#but i personally think 'very married and also probably should get a divorce' is a fun interpretation of their dynamic

[bambiraptorx]

I love the idea that Draxum KNEW about the Hamato Legacy. I can imagine after the Shredder is defeated and the turtles maybe want to know more about their ancestry and so ask Splinter… and he just tells them to go ask Draxum.

The funny part of this is that, depending on where Draxum got his information, it might not be entirely accurate. Like primary sources versus secondary sources versus people summarizing secondary sources can get messy when looking for accurate information. Not to mention that sometimes things get translated wrong, or the details aren't written down, or the real meat of the history is preserved orally and not recorded. And especially if the Hamato Clan developed a secretive/isolationist streak at one point (up to interpretation), there's probably a lot of stuff that they never wrote down at all.

And Draxum is probably aware of this but hey, his kids the turtles want to know more about their family history, so since Splinter can't tell them, he might as well step up to the plate and actually tell the kids about their family. So he does he best to share the legends and the stories as best as he remembers them, maybe even showing them the original scrolls and whatnot if they've been preserved. He probably gets into it too, showing them the art, the pottery, the coinage, anything and everything that he gathered or recorded in the process of finding out about the secretive Hamato Clan.

So Splinter lets Draxum go on and on about everything he knows, and then calls up the Hamato Ancestors to fact check it. Like "hey my kids' bitchass other dad was talking shit about you" and then proceeds to correct Draxum on every single detail he got wrong.

[good-chimes]

THE DIVORCE OF THE CENTURY

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS BETWEEN GRIAN AND GOODTIMESWITHSCAR, DAY 1:

His Hon. Judge BdoubleO100: Silence in the court!

[Court is not silent]

His Hon. Judge Bdubs: Silence in the COURT! I can have you all HANGED!

[The court falls as silent as is possible with a dozen Hermits present]

Judge Bdubs: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today—

Cleo: Ahem.

Judge Bdubs: WHAT?

Cleo: That’s for weddings, Bdubs. We’re not doing a wedding. In fact, if you think about it, this is about as far away from a wedding as you can get.

Judge Bdubs: Fine fine FINE. Dearly beloathed, we have all been dragged here today because SOME PEOPLE can’t get ALONG. Grian, step forward!

Grian: Do I— is this the podium for witnesses? Who built this and why did they make it out of nothing but trapdoors? So. Okay. I’m filing for divorce.

Scar: Wait, I thought I was filing for divorce.

Judge Bdubs: LET THE DEFENDANT SPEAK.

Ren: Bdubs, my man, that’s the petitioner. The court hasn’t accused Grian of any crimes.

Cleo: [darkly] Yet.

Grian: I haven’t done any crimes! I’m filing for divorce from Scar, obviously. As my lawyer will tell you—

Judge Bdubs: Do you have a lawyer?

Grian: Yes, your Honor. This is my defense lawyer Mumbo Jumbo Esq. [Waggles a hand behind his back and hisses] Mumbo!

Judge Bdubs: Mumbo’s your defense lawyer? Aren’t you supposed to have a divorce lawyer?

Mumbo: [steps forward and bows nervously] Well, I’ve never divorced anyone, but I have got a lot of experience in defending, er, mainly myself, come to think of it, and also my valuables. From Grian, as a matter of fact. So I think I’ll stick with ‘defense lawyer’ if that’s alright with the court, thank you. 

Judge Bdubs: [leans aside to confer with Cleo] Is that alright with the court? Ask Joe.

[Court Scribe JoeHills confirms this is probably alright with the court]

Judge Bdubs: Good, good, next! Scar, do you have a lawyer?

Scar: Oh, absolutely. My lawyer is this cat I found outside.

Judge Bdubs: Not Jellie?

Scar: Jellie doesn’t believe we’re really divorcing and wouldn’t come.

Judge Bdubs: Is this cat a qualified divorce lawyer?

Scar: She’s a—let me look at those markings—she’s clearly a personal injury attorney.

Cleo: Have you been personally injured, Scar?

Scar: Why, thank you for asking, I have. My feelings have been very hurt!

Ren: Uh, Bdubs, maybe the court should establish some facts. Why they’re divorcing, what the court can do for them, that sort of thing.

Judge Bdubs: YES. Let’s start with the facts. Now, we all know why you and Scar got married in the first place. Don’t stand there and make that innocent face at me, Grian, I know all the secrets. You got married because Etho and I had the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY last month and you were JEALOUS—no, don’t talk, THE JUDGE IS TALKING—you were jealous of us. [aside] Bdubs and Etho had the wedding of the century, Joe, are you writing this down?

Court Scribe JoeHills: Yep, your Honor, I’ve written that down.

Grian: It wasn’t that good.

Judge Bdubs: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

Grian: Etho had his bouquet wrapped in a Kleenex box.

Scar: [sentimentally] Don’t you listen to him, Bdubs, I thought the flower arch was lovely.

Judge Bdubs: Thank you, Scar! I—

Cleo: You can’t find in favor of Scar because he said something nice about your own wedding decorations.

Judge Bdubs: [with dignity] —was NOT going to do that. Ahem. So, you and Scar got married because you were jealous—

Grian: We didn’t! It wasn’t like that!

Judge Bdubs: —and now you want to get divorced. Why?

[At this point Petitioner Grian and Petitioner Scar, who have been studiously avoiding each other’s gazes, appear to lock eyes by accident. They both jerk away like they’ve touched a blaze rod. Grian immediately swivels to face the bench, and this scribe has to note that at normal times Grian’s stare is disconcertingly like two soulless voids looking back at you, so it’s even worse when he’s attempting a poker face. Scar becomes very interested in his cat defense lawyer and doesn’t look at Grian at all.]

Grian: The thing is, you see, this marriage was a scam from the start.

*

EVIDENCE #1

[Dramatization by Court Scribe from participant testimony]

One month previously, a note landed in Scar’s bedroom attached to a firework rocket with a red bow and rose. This was very romantic, or at least it would have been romantic if the rocket hadn’t lodged in the rafters and set itself and a chunk of the surrounding wall on fire, but in any case it was clearly Grian making an effort, so Scar deciphered the coordinates scribbled on the charred note and set off to find out what was going on.

They pointed to a spot in the middle of nowhere. In Scar’s long experience of Grian, this meant an equal chance that they were going to make out or he was going to get inventively murdered, but this was always a gamble worth the odds.

But when he arrived, on a green hill in a quiet spot of the server, it was neither. The top of the hill had been leveled off and covered with birch wood, on which Grian was industriously spelling out something with white wool, though Scar couldn’t make out the words from his low angle of approach. Grian stopped when he spotted Scar and launched up to meet him. His wings beat so fast they were nearly vibrating.

“Scar,” Grian said, “Scar.” His grin was one of a cat who had stolen not only the cream, but the milk, the cow, and everyone else’s cows for good measure. “Scar, I’ve had an idea.”

This was clearly a planning-a-prank type of meeting, which probably meant no making out, but Grian’s pranks were not to be missed. “I’m in,” Scar said. “Do we get fancy costumes? I want a fancy costume.”

“No, Scar, that’s not the point—wait, yes, actually.” Grian angled his wings to carve tight spirals around Scar’s coasting flight, always a sign of excitement, and nudged the angle of their joint descent to land on top of the white wool scrawls. “Yes, fancy costumes are a big part of it, but that’s not—listen, this is my big gesture. Just look down.”

Scar looked down. The wool said, WILL YOU MARR.

“I ran out of wool,” Grian said. He flapped a hand. “Just because it’s a big gesture doesn’t mean it has to be finished.”

“What was it supposed to say?” Scar said innocently.

“Scar!” Grian shifted from foot to foot when he got agitated, which was always funny. “Fine! Okay! Stand there.”

The hidden trapdoor beneath their feet gave way as Grian pressed a switch. Scar yelped for form’s sake, but nothing exploded, and the only thing at the bottom of their tumbled slide was an underground bunker.

It had a table, and two chairs, and a huge corkboard on the otherwise blank walls. Grian had always had a thing for bunkers.

“This,” Grian said, with a flourish, “is the Wedding War Room.”

Scar looked around the bunker and asked the important question. “Are you going to decorate it?”

“Am I going to—no, listen, that’s not the point either. You can decorate it, if you want. The point is, you know how Bdubs and Etho got married?”

“It was beautiful,” Scar agreed immediately. “That wedding chapel? Incredible, honestly, Bdubs is a true artist. Oh! Remember the part where Etho put a river of lava through the chapel roof and glitched it into a heart?”

“Okay, but, you know what Bdubs and Etho got?

“Eternal happiness?”

“Scar.”

“No, what?”

“Bdubs and Etho got royal diamonds,” Grian said impressively. “From the vault.”

“Are they still royal diamonds if Ren’s not king anymore?” Scar said. “I thought we blew up the vault, anyway. You blew it up. I was there.”

“Do you pay any attention to anything that’s not Scarland?” Grian said. “Mumbo didn’t know what to do with the diamonds so he and Iskall built a new vault. I think Mumbo and Iskall and Impulse are the only ones who really know how to get into it. Anyway, everyone got so warm and fuzzy about Bdubs and Etho’s wedding that they all decided to open the vault up and just gave them diamonds.”

“Free diamonds?” Scar said thoughtfully.

“Free diamonds!” Grian’s eyes glittered. “Think of that vault. Stacks on stacks on stacks of diamonds. Thousands of diamonds! We could have some of those, for nothing, just by saying some words. And that’s not even mentioning the wedding presents! We’re out here spending days and days grinding resources and stocking our shops when we could be swimming in it! That could be us, Scar.” Scar had entirely forgotten the lack of interior decorations; he always did, when Grian got on a roll as mesmerizing as this.“And so,” Grian took a deep breath and held out his hand, “Scar, will you marry me?”

Scar took his hand with an enormous wave of affection. “Grian,” he said sincerely, “I have never, in my whole life, wanted to marry anyone more.”

*

EVIDENCE #2

Mumbo took the news more earnestly than Grian had expected.

“Oh,” said Mumbo. “Oh, haha, wow—seriously? Scar said something and I thought it was just a joke, but you guys actually… Wow!” He cleared his throat. “Grian, mate, it’s been a long time coming. I’m so happy for you.”

“Don’t get sappy,” Grian said. “It’s just a wedding. I mean,” he clarified, “it’s a very important wedding, obviously, because it’s my wedding, but I don’t need you to get sappy about it. I don’t even need you to talk about it. I just need you to bring diamonds.”

“I didn’t even know you were going to ask him,” Mumbo said, ignoring the very clear instructions Grian had just given him. “Or did he ask you, or—mate, that’s just brilliant. This is brilliant. Is it because Bdubs and Etho had that wedding? That was really beautiful, I don’t mind saying, I got a little bit teary.”

“This has nothing to do with any weddings anyone else had,” Grian said with dignity. “Our wedding will be better, but that’s unrelated. I didn’t come here to talk about that. I came here to ask you something.” He took hold of Mumbo’s hand in the most meaningful grip he could muster. “Mumbo, we’ve been friends for years, right?”

“Of course,” Mumbo said nervously.

Grian gave it a second’s pause for the sake of drama. “Mumbo Jumbo, will you be my best man?”

“Ah,” Mumbo said, which was not what Grian had expected. “Ah. Er. Might be a problem there.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Well, you see, five minutes ago, Scar…”

*

EVIDENCE #3

<Grian> scar

<Grian> scar

<Grian> scar

<GoodTimeWithScar> yES?

<Grian> my base.

<Grian> now.

<GoodTimeWithScar> On my way

GoodTimeWithScar hit the ground too hard

<GoodTimeWithScar> oNE MINUTE

<Grian> come in the back door

GoodTimeWithScar hit the ground too hard

<GoodTimeWithScar> Was that a trap??

<Grian> mumbo is mine

<GoodTimeWithScar> No he isn’t, Mister!

GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager

GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager

GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager

GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager

Grian was shot by GoodTimeWithScar using [HoTgUy]

<Grian> MUMBO IS MINE

GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Vindicator

GoodTimeWithScar was slain by Ravager

Grian was shot by GoodTimeWithScar using [HoTgUy]

<Renthedog>: :o

GoodTimeWithScar burned to death

<Renthedog> Everything okay there, gentlemen?

<Grian> best man debate

GoodTimeWithScar was poked to death by a sweet berry bush

<Grian> all settled now

<Renthedog> wait

<EthosLab> Wait

<BdoubleO100> WAIT

<TangoTek> are you two…?

<Grian> invitations dropping tomorrow. wedding gift mandatory.

<GoodTimeWithScar> Come one, Come all!

<Grian> only diamonds will be considered real presents

<PearlescentMoon> huh

<impulseSV> omg finally! So happy for you guys!

<PearlescentMoon> be honest Grian, is this because Bdubs and Etho got married and you had to one-up them?

<Grian> NO IT IS NOT

*

EVIDENCE #4

The bachelor party negotiations were even more hard-fought than the best man.

They held the impromptu negotiations in the Wedding War Room, which was now covered with loving maps and hundreds of bits of paper that neither of them had read since putting them up there. They looked good, though, so Scar kept adding more.

There was a pile of paper strips on the table in front of them. Scar and Grian sat facing off like two negotiators at a ceasefire.

“Mumbo’s my best man,” Grian said, picking the first name off the pile without breaking eye contact and moving it to his side of the table, “so he comes to my party.” Scar gave in with a modicum of grace. The possibility of having bachelor parties at different times had been wordlessly considered and then summarily dismissed by both combatants.

Scar escalated it to a blood sport as he picked up the next bit of paper. “Pearl’s coming to my party.”

Grian yelped and grabbed Scar’s wrist. “She is not. I knew her first!”

“I know her better,” Scar countered. “Or at least,” he added, “I know her building style better.”

“You can’t just steal my friend because you like her building! That’s not how that works!”

“I think she’d enjoy it,” Scar said meditatively. “I’m going to have champagne. Glitter. Razzmatazz.”

“I will have more champagne,” Grian said mutinously. He hadn’t taken his hand off Scar’s wrist. “And more razzmatazz. You can’t have Pearl.”

“Oh, all right then,” Scar said, since Pearl was one of Grian’s oldest friends and he’d never had a chance of getting her anyway. Grian plucked the piece of paper out of his hand and put it on top of Mumbo’s paper. “I get Bdubs, though.”

That was a given. Grian didn’t seriously dispute it, though he opened his mouth to try. “I—yes, fine. You can have Bdubs.” Scar swept the piece of paper to his own side of the table.

“And that means,” Scar proceeded, with the grand momentum of a train starting to roll, “that I get Etho, as well.” He shuffled through the bits of paper and displayed Etho’s name like a magic trick.

He watched Grian calculate his chances of getting Etho if Bdubs was going to Scar’s party. “…okay, yeah, you get Etho.”

“Also that means I get Cleo,” Scar said. “She’ll come if Bdubs does. We don’t want to split up friends.” He drew Cleo’s name towards him, sliding another couple of slips underneath it at the same time. “Oh, and Joe as well, if Cleo’s coming.”

“What’s that other one?” Grian said suspiciously. He trapped Scar’s hand and pried out the third name. “What—no, you can’t have Ren.”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Scar said in his most reasonable voice. “Hear me out. I have Cub, right?”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Well, I have Cub, and Bdubs, and Cleo, and Joe, so, by royal decree…”

“You can’t have Ren just because the five of you were in a royal murder cult with him!”

“Excuse me, mister, that wasn’t a cult. That was the royal court!”

“It was too a cult,” said Grian, a man who had once persuaded Ren into living in camper vans in the woods with him for weeks in order to break into a military base and steal a magic box.

Ren’s name was already safely on Scar’s side of the table. “And if I have Ren, then I have to have Doc—”

“Look, Scar, if you get all of Bdubs’ current and former exes—”

“—what’s a ‘current ex’—”

“—Etho and don’t interrupt me, if you get everyone Bdubs has ever had a relationship plus their plus ones you get ninety percent of our friends.”

“Is it my fault I throw good parties?” Scar protested. “Look, you can have—”

“I’m having Impulse,” Grian interrupted, pulling his name out. “I need more redstoners.”

“What for?”

Grian waved a hand. “You just need them around.” Scar nodded, unable to find a flaw in the logic. “Also I get Joel. And Martyn. And Timmy.”

“I built Jimmy a train,” Scar objected. He put his fingertips on the other end of Jimmy’s name while Grian attempted to steal it.

“All right, this is the ‘disputed’ pile,” Grian said, pushing it to the side. “Who else?”

Now they had a disputed pile, it started filling up. “If I have Cleo,” Scar said, “then technically I should have Scott—”

“You can’t keep using that trick!” 

“Then how are we going to fix it, Grian?” Scar’s tone was eminently reasonable. “I think we should just let people be friends.”

“They are friends,” Grian said. “They’re friends with me.”

“They could be friends with me.”

“Tell you what,” Grian said, a warlike gleam coming into his eyes. “We’ll ask them.”

*

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):

Judge Bdubs: So that’s how the split started?

Cleo: You weren’t even married at that point.

Grian: Right! Exactly! We weren’t even married and Scar used underhand methods to steal my friends!

Scar: Excuse me. You went around the server threatening everyone who you didn’t think was coming to your party. Talk about underhand methods! I just offered them a good time.

Grian: Your bribed them! You bribed them to come to your bachelor party! [stabs a finger at Judge Bdubs] You even bribed him, so I don’t know why we put him in charge of this divorce.

Judge Bdubs: Nobody is allowed to question the integrity of the judge! I am as PURE AS THE DRIVEN SNOW.

Scar: That’s a good point. I gave you netherite, Bdubs, you should be ruling in my favor.

Judge Bdubs: You gave me ONE netherite ingot, I’m not giving you a ruling for that.

Scar: Grian, I think this judge is biased.

Judge Bdubs: HOW DARE YOU.

Grian: Scar is right, this judge is corrupt! I can’t believe we were forced into this farce of a trial and the judge is corrupt! Joe, I demand a new judge.

[Court Scribe JoeHills indicates that he is pretty sure this whole divorce trial was Grian’s idea in the first place, and also that judges cannot usually be replaced just like that, and the Court Scribe personally does not have a reserve list]

Judge Bdubs: I refuse to SIT HERE and be SLANDERED! You’re both guilty! [slams gavel] TAKE THEM TO THE DUNGEONS.

[Court Scribe JoeHills confirms that the petitioners have not actually been accused of anything—despite obviously having committed many crimes, Cleo would like to me to record—so cannot be found guilty, and in any case we don’t have any dungeons]

Judge Bdubs: Fine! I give up! CLEO, YOU’RE THE JUDGE NOW.

Judge Cleo: Wait, am I?

[Judge Bdubs forcibly transfers the judicial wig to Cleo, upon which the snakes in her hair make a spirited attempt to eat it.]

Scar: Can we get on with it?

Judge Cleo: Yes, you can shut up. You can all shut up! Thank you. That’s better. Are you sure you two can’t just settle it out of court so we can all go home?

Grian: No, we can’t. Me and Scar have [checks his notes] undergone an irreparable breakdown.

Scar: Sure, we might have had an eruptable breakdown, but you can’t say it was my fault. I tried to make it work. I built us a honeymoon island! It had palm trees and deckchairs and everything. I’m coming here in good faith and I deserve to be the innocent party.

Grian: I want all the diamonds Scar has.

Judge Cleo: Joe, is he allowed to ask for that?

[Court Scribe diligently references the law summary he found on the internet, suggests that at this stage the judge can grant temporary financial orders on petitioner request]

Grian: Fine, I want half of Scar’s diamonds.

Scar: I need all my diamonds for Scarland materials!

Grian: They’re not your diamonds! They’re my diamonds!

Scar: Then I get half of all your dark prismarine, thank you very much, that will be amazingly useful.

Grian: You’re not touching my dark prismarine! I’ll sell it all if you try!

Judge Cleo: Nobody is touching anyone else’s anything! Ren, stop laughing, this is a serious courtroom. Grian, you’re not allowed to sell your dark prismarine. Scar, you’re not allowed to hide any of your diamonds. Everyone is going to keep things exactly as they are until this trial is done.

Grian: Do you trust him? Look at him, look at his face, would you trust that man? Of course you wouldn’t! All the diamonds should stay in my base while we’re having the trial.

Scar: This is outrageous! This is an outrageous demand! You can’t just question a man’s honor like that!

Judge Cleo: Well, put them somewhere safe. Joe can keep them.

Grian: [grudgingly] I suppose we could put them in the Royal Vault.

Judge Cleo: You want to put your valuables in escrow?

Scar: I don’t see what birds have to do with it.

[Short pause while the concept of ‘escrow’ is explained to both petitioners]

Scar: Well, I’ll do it, but I think Grian should put all his resources in nestcrow. Seeing as it’s all his fault.

Grian: I did everything right! I was the perfect groom!

Judge Cleo: You know, Grian, somehow I have my doubts. Go back to your marriage testimony. What happened next?

*

EVIDENCE #5

“Ahem,” said Mumbo. “Ahem.”

Grian rolled his eyes, jumped up on a table, decided that wasn’t good enough, flew up and perched on the light fitting, and yelled, “Everyone! It’s happening! The best man is speaking!”

Silence fell.

“I was actually going to announce you,” Mumbo said. He cleared his throat. “All right! So! This… is a bachelor party!”

The bachelor party–all three of them–looked at each other.

“Woohoo!” said Iskall.

“Party time!” tried Pearl gamely.

“I was promised champagne,” said Scott, who had been lured through the portal with one bribe only.

“There will be champagne,” said Mumbo. “As best man, it is my job to plan the bachelor party, and to plan a party that is… appropriate, and thoughtful, and informed by my long friendship with Grian, so,” he coughed, “if everyone could check the boxes under their chairs for supplies, we do have an event. Sort of thing. Kind of a party game.”

“Er,” said Pearl, checking under her chair. “This is… quite a lot of...”

Iskall started to giggle.

“Seriously, I was promised champagne,” said Scott.

“Yes, yes, we’ll get to that,” Mumbo said. “First, we’re going to sneak into the other party and blow them all up.”

“...so many ender crystals…” whispered Pearl.

“Look how they sparkle!” said Iskall.

“What about the—”

“And! When they’re all dead,” said Mumbo, “we can take their champagne.”

Grian flew down from the light fitting and landed in front of Mumbo. His eyes were shining. He took Mumbo’s hands in his. “Mumbo,” he breathed. “I’ve changed my mind. Can I marry you instead?”

“Er,” said Mumbo. “No?”

“Did you even order any refreshments?” said Scott.

“Listen,” Mumbo said, “it’s Grian’s party, we were going to end up doing this anyway, and it’ll be fun.”

“Dibs on blowing up Scar!” said Grian.

“We understand, Grian,” said Pearl.

“I suppose that’s sort of romantic?” said Scott in an undertone. “You’d think he’d have more trauma about it, after all the–”

“This is going to be so funny,” Grian said, scooping up handfuls of ender crystals. “Best–best man–ever.”

*

EVIDENCE #6

The actual wedding was a subdued affair.

The wedding venue had just about survived, by virtue of being several hundred blocks away from either bachelor party, though the smoking craters were visible in the background. From the front, the building was a charming mansion with flowers in every window. From every other angle it might be a gray shell, but Grian was a very busy person who was getting married and he couldn’t be expected to get to everything.

On the morning of the wedding, when Grian finally pieced himself together and dragged himself back from respawn he was met by the two Best Man candidates: Mumbo, who was sitting on the step of the venue dismally trying to piece his scorched suit back together, and Cub, who was completely unruffled and appeared to be doing a crossword.

“Oh, Grian, you made it.” Mumbo abandoned his scorched hems in relief. “Some people haven’t even respawned yet. We really do need Scar, though—”

“I’m here! I’m here!” Scar, impeccably dressed in a blue morning suit, swooped in from above, trailing flowers and losing his top hat in the process. “Gosh. Nobody else made it, huh?”

“I don’t believe this,” Grian said. “None of them?”

“Weren’t you supposed to open the portal again for the Empires people?”

“I forgot,” Grian said. “But we can’t focus on that. We have to focus on the fact that at least twenty Hermits promised to come, and now they aren’t here.”

“I, um,” Mumbo said. “I take full responsibility for the original idea, but I think the seventh time you blew up Bdubs and Ren and Doc and Zedaph you did blow up all their stuff as well. And I think some people got hit so hard they won’t respawn for a week.”

“That was their fault,” Grian said. “For being in the way of my ender crystals.”

“Seven times?” Cub said.

“Oh, as if you’ve never blown up someone and all their stuff seven times and pushed their respawn into next week.”

“So, what?” Scar said. “Do we just…not have a wedding?”

Mumbo coughed. “I think you should still get married.”

“What?”

“I just think,” Mumbo gestured vaguely. “You know, your whole thing. And Jevin made you the suits and everything. It would be a shame. You could have an intimate wedding without any guests, you know. I’m just saying.”

Grian attempted to trade a skeptical look with Scar. This didn’t work, as Scar had gone faintly red and wasn’t looking at him. “An intimate wedding, you mean, right here?” Scar said. “Now? Oh, yes, of course, but you know, now I come to think about it, I don’t know I can get married.”

This smelled like weakness. “What’s wrong with marrying me?” Grian demanded. “Are you backing out?”

“No, I—I need my top hat! I can't get married without my top hat!”

“Are you scared, Scar?”

“Of course I'm not scared!” Scar said indignantly. “We’ll do it right now! Who’s marrying us? Oh—Joe’s still respawning, isn’t he? Cub, you can do it, can’t you? Cub’s an ordained priest, you know.”

“That’s right,” Cub said agreeably.

“Is he?” Grian said suspiciously. “Which religion?”

Cub’s faint smile didn’t change at all. “Don’t worry about that.”

“You don’t want to think too hard about it,” Scar said breezily. “But he’s very official! Very well-respected in the community.”

In all their planning, Grian had given no thought at all to the actual wedding. He was nearly certain that the chanting from the officiant was supposed to be pleasant and inoffensive, about, well, love and stuff, and he was also fairly sure the officiant’s eyes were not supposed to turn black as a flaming rift appeared behind him spewing an unknowable sense of dread, but at that point Scar kissed Grian thoroughly, and that lasted so long that Mumbo had to break it up after a few minutes with a polite cough, and by that time Cub had finished chanting and gone back to his crossword.

“That was very touching,” Mumbo said, apparently relieved they weren’t still kissing right in front of him. “Shame about the guests, but you can’t have everything.”

“Shocking,” Scar agreed. “Do they still have to give us presents? Maybe if we waited a week and did it again? I have to say, I could use a little more time to get the trees right on Honeymoon Island.”

“We’re not having a honeymoon, Scar, I told you,” Grian said. “This wedding is just business, and we don’t have any business without the presents.”

Mumbo was wearing the expression that Grian had always vaguely compared to an accountant breaking the bad news about something unspeakable going on in the stockmarket. “To be honest with you,” Mumbo said, “I don’t think many of them were in a present-giving mood. I think, um, you might have to write off the presents.”

“Are you telling me,” Grian said, “that this whole scheme has been a complete failure?”

*

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):

Judge Cleo: So, let me get this straight, the plan was to scam all of us—

Scar: Scam is a strong word. More like a trade, if you think about it! A trade where we get presents and you get a warm sense of fuzziness and wellbeing.

Judge Cleo: —exactly, to scam us, and it all went wrong, and you realized the marriage was a mistake? That was weeks ago, though. What happened between that and the divorce?

*

EVIDENCE #7

LIST OF POST-WEDDING WRONGDOING COMMITTED BY GRIAN AND SCAR, VARIOUS (condensed from two hours of court arguments)

i. “Well, then I took some deepslate from Grian because I needed it for Scarland, which is just borrowing, if you think about it.”

ii. “Scar really owed me diamonds because it was his fault the scam didn’t work.”

iii. Lengthy descriptions of the damage from ensuing weeks-long prank war.

iv. “He should honestly have expected me to put chickens in his storage system.”

v. Evidence received from Xisuma that this lagged out the entire server.

vi. Evidence received from Grian that Scarland lags out the entire server anyway and this is probably a crime so why can’t the court do something about that.

vii. Strong representations from both sides that the other one snores and hogs the covers and this probably ought to be a crime.

*

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):

Judge Cleo: [face down on judicial bench] Have they stopped talking yet?

Court Scribe JoeHills: No, they’re still going.

*

EVIDENCE #8

FURTHER LIST OF WRONGDOINGS COMMITTED BY GRIAN AND SCAR

viii. “Yes I did blow him up after that, but it’s not illegal if it’s funny.”

ix. Complicated debate about whether ensuing sabotage was funny enough not to be illegal.

x. Representations from Grian that everything is Scar’s fault with absolutely no legal backing at all.

xi. Representations from Scar, ditto, with the addition of fake law he says his cat defense attorney told him.

xii. At this point, Court Scribe JoeHills has given up attempting to make sense of the petitioners’ ongoing argument.

*

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 1 (CONTINUED):

Judge Cleo: Enough! ENOUGH! No! Shut up! If I have to listen to one more attempt at utterly specious reasoning from either of you I am going to pick up this gavel and I am going to drive its handle through my own skull. This is definitely both your fault, you are terrible people, and I hope you get divorced harder than anyone has ever got divorced in history.

[Mildly stunned silence in the court]

Judge Cleo: Right. Good. I am about to quit. But before I quit, because Joe asked me nicely to come here today, I am going to order one of you to serve the other with divorce papers before tomorrow. That’s the next thing on the list: one of you has to formally divorce the other. No, I am not going to hear any more arguments, I’m done with this whole thing, you can find a new judge. Yes, Scar?

Scar: [lowers his tentatively raised hand] How do we know which one divorces the other one?

Judge Cleo: [looks blank] Well… I suppose it’s who serves their papers first?

*

COMPLAINT TO COURT:

Submitter of complaint: SCAR

Body of complaint: Grian wont accept divorce papers and keeps avoiding me.

COMPLAINT TO COURT:

Submitter of complaint: GRIAN

Body of complaint: scar didn’t take a single copy of the papers despite the fact i filled his bedroom with them

COMPLAINT TO COURT:

Submitter of complaint: SCAR

Body of complaint: Grian paid impulse to make a divorce paper printing redstone machine. It feels like this, should be Illegal!

COMPLAINT TO COURT:

Submitter of complaint: GRIAN

Body of complaint: scar employed my best man to make him a rival printing machine. this is sabotage.

COMPLAINT TO COURT:

Submitter of complaint: ZEDAPH

Body of complaint: Er, I know you’re doing a whole trial thingummy, but I would really like to be able to move around my base without swimming through mountains of divorce papers. Does it look like this is going to be possible any time in the near future?

COMPLAINT TO COURT:

Submitter of complaint: DOCM77

Body of complaint: WHY HAVE SEVENTY THOUSAND BADLY-PRINTED COPIES OF DIVORCE PAPERS BEEN SHOVELED INTO THE PERIMETER! I AM HOLDING ALL OF YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE! I WILL RAIN DOWN FIRE AND BLOOD!

*

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 2:

Judge Mumbo: Right, so, apparently I’m supposed to be ruling on who served who with papers.

Scar: Excuse me! Objection! This new judge is clearly biased.

Grian: No, he’s not. This is all completely fine. Mumbo can be the judge now, and he can just wear a different hat when he’s being my lawyer.

Judge Mumbo: I am a bit biased, I have to admit.

Grian: No you’re not, Mumbo.

Scar: Admit it, there can’t be a fair trial for Grian under these circumstances!

Judge Mumbo: Uh—

Scar: Because I know Mumbo, and he can’t resist these…HoTgUy abs!

[Minor chaos as the court attempts to enforce a dress code]

Judge Mumbo: [removes his wig] Sorry, Grian, he’s right. Scar’s papers are accepted.

Grian: TRAITOR.

Mumbo: Scar, can I have another calendar?

*

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 3:

Judge Ren: Court is called to order! Where’s—oh, there you are. Scar, you’re late.

Scar: Sorry! I was working on our honeymoon island.

Grian: What do you mean, our honeymoon island? Scar, we’re divorcing.

Scar: That doesn't mean you can just abandon a build, Grian. Some of us don't leave our backsides unfinished.

Cleo: Someone please get Ren a glass of water, I think he’s going to choke.

Judge Ren: Ahem. Now, gentlemen, I understand Scar is filing for divorce from Grian on the grounds of [checks his notes] desertion, abandonment, and unreasonable behavior.

Grian: Excuse me, what! If I’ve been unreasonable, what about him?

Scar: I have been a model of rationality and recti— rectic— ridiclitude.

Judge Ren: Indeed. I have heard Scar always finishes his backsides.

Grian: I’ll give you unreasonable behavior! This whole thing is your fault! If your bachelor party hadn’t been so badly defended I wouldn’t have been able to blow you all up.

Scar: Well, mister, if you hadn’t overthrown Ren in the first place he might have shown up to our wedding in spite of it!

Grian: If you’d been better at your job I wouldn’t have been ABLE to overthrow him!

Scar: You—you—oooh, I oughta—

Grian: [tauntingly] Ought to what?

Judge Ren: Scar, no, not in court…!

Scar: HOTGUY! [Retrieves bow from improbably small pocket and summarily murders his co-petitioner on the witness. Chaos ensues. Trial name hastily changed.]

TRANSCRIPT OF TRIAL PROCEEDINGS FOR THIRD-DEGREE MURDER, DAY 1:

Judge Ren: Listen, Scar, did you, or did you not, kill another petitioner right in front of me?

Scar: What? Oh, yeah, I just shot Grian.

Judge Ren: You can’t just—My dude, this might have been a crime of passion, but you understand this is a court and that was murder, right?

Cleo: Objection.

Judge Ren: Yes?

Cleo: We can’t start prosecuting for murder now.

[Pause as the court considers the comprehensive history of all Hermits present.]

TRANSCRIPT OF TRIAL PROCEEDINGS FOR THIRD-DEGREE MURDER, DAY 1

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 3:

Judge Ren: [once Grian has returned from spawn] You’re going to have to come to some sort of agreement, gentlemen. It’s been days.

Grian: I think we should fight.

Judge Ren: This court does not do trial by combat. I refuse to be witness to such barbarity.

Cleo: I mean…if you think about it, it would stop them arguing.

Judge Ren: …

Judge Ren: I think I could stand to watch someone else compromise their morals. From a distance. Who wants this wig?

Judge Pearl: [settling in at the bench] Right! I think you two should fight. To the death.

Grian: LET’S FIGHT.

Judge Pearl: Riding ravagers.

Scar: What?

Judge Pearl: It would be funny.

Scar: Ravagers, though—

Grian: Don’t listen to Scar, he just murdered me. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Scar: Alright! Alright, we can fight, but I’m only doing it if it’s somewhere dramatic.

Grian: …What do you mean, dramatic?

*

TRANSCRIPT OF DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS, DAY 3 (CONTINUED):

[The court has moved proceedings from its custom-built courthouse to a location considered ‘acceptably dramatic’ by Petitioner Scar. We are now in the dim, cavernous monolith of the Royal Vault, where the walls are sheer deepslate lit only by flickering lanterns, and mountains of diamonds and chests gleam softly in the shadowed gloom. The court is gathered here to watch the petitioners fight symbolically over their own escrowed valuables, which are piled in the middle of a stone platform built by Grian and Pearl, and see a final conclusion to this bitterly-fought split. At either end of the platform are pens with two enraged ravagers donated by Tango, salivating at the buffet of violence and blood about to—]

Judge Pearl: [leans over the edge of her observation chair] Joe! What are you doing down there scribbling?

Court Scribe JoeHills: Oh, I’m just adding narrative color.

Judge Pearl: Well, stop doing that and pay attention to the fight! We’re about to start!

Bdubs: FIGHT!

Cub: Let’s go!

Mumbo: Grian, mate, you’ve got this.

Bdubs: RUN HIM THROUGH, SCAR. TEACH HIM TO MAKE FUN OF MY WEDDING DECORATIONS.

Doc: What happens if they both die? I would like them both to die.

Judge Pearl: Contestants! Mount your steeds!

Grian: [has succeeded in landing on his ravager’s back, something Scar has not yet managed] I want you to know, Scar, that whatever happens—

Judge Pearl: Scar! You can’t just stand there, you have to TRY to ride it.

Grian: —I think we can count this as a—

Bdubs: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Scar: [his head comes up to look at Grian] —a double victory?

[As if this is a code word, Grian and Scar’s gazes meet. The Court Scribe feels obliged to note that when Grian and Scar smile at the same time, history suggests something terrible is about to happen.]

Scar: Well, hello there, Mister Ravager! Would you like to get out of that pen?

Bdubs: Wait, what’s he—Scar, you ain’t supposed to break the wall that lets them at us! SABOTAGE!

Judge Pearl: GRIAN!

Grian: [shrieking as his ravager swerves into the crowd of spectators] Scar! The switch!

[Your trusty Court Scribe hurriedly dives out of the way as Scar flings himself into the pile of his and Grian’s valuables, where the tell-tale glint of redstone has been hidden under the piles of chests.]

Ren: Why do both of them have all those empty shulkers?

Cleo: Wait, wait, did we just give Grian and Scar unfettered access to all the diamonds in the vault?

Judge Pearl: WATCH OUT, THEY’VE HIDDEN TNT UNDER THE—

[Scar slams a switch. The world explodes. The Judge and most spectators are instantly blown up. The only survivors are your Court Scribe, who managed to get behind an obsidian pillar, and Cub, rising above the chaos on pre-equipped elytra wings with the philosophical serenity of someone who saw this coming.]

*

POSTSCRIPT

It’s a beautiful day, the sky is a clear and serene blue, and Grian and Scar have gotten away with everything.

Grian coasts joyfully ahead of Scar on outstretched wings, loaded down with boxes and boxes of ill-gotten diamonds, looping head-over-heels only when he can’t contain the energy bubbling through him. “We are the greatest, Scar. We are geniuses. We are the greatest geniuses who ever lived.”

“Oh, we are,” Scar agrees instantly. A lesser person might have pointed out their first plan failed spectacularly and their hasty second one only succeeded by luck, but this is why Grian married Scar specifically. Only he’s not married to Scar any more, is he? For one shining moment Grian had forgotten that.

The crater of the Royal Vault is far below and receding, the debris scattered like little jeweled toys. Grian is recalled to the present gleeful moment in which they are geniuses who have pulled the whole thing off and are richer than every other hermit put together. “Where are we going?”

“I was following you,” Scar says.

“I didn’t think this far ahead! I only planned up to the part where we stole everyone’s diamonds!”

“Oh, well, that’s easy,” Scar says confidently. “Change course to Honeymoon Island!”

Grian doesn’t have a good argument against that, and anyway, he’s too happy and diamond-dazzled to argue. Scar strikes out to the azure ocean and Grian dips into his wake and soars behind.

Scar has outdone himself, as usual. Honeymoon Island is just one long crescent-shaped beach with crystal seas, golden sands, palm trees, deck chairs, and—somehow—little iced coconut drinks that keep reappearing and each have a little paper umbrella. Naturally, Scar hasn’t thought of including a safe room for all their new valuables, so Grian has to dig out a makeshift bunker for all their ill-gotten gains, but when all that excitement is done, Grian throws himself onto a deckchair with a coconut drink and closes his eyes.

“So?” Scar says, in the expectant tone of someone who has spent three weeks fiddling with the palm trees that are currently casting an exquisitely-latticed shade over Grian’s eyelids, despite the fact they were technically divorcing all that time. “What do you think?”

“It is very pretty,” Grian admits grudgingly. “We can’t use it for a honeymoon, though. We’re divorced.”

“Are we divorced?” Scar is thoughtfully making origami out of his paper umbrella. “We did ditch them all before the trial officially finished.”

“Oh, we’re absolutely divorced. Super divorced.”

“I suppose you’re right. No honeymoon for us, then?”

An idyllic silence falls over the palm-fringed beach. The sea laps at the shining sands, creating a soft music from the shells and pebbles. The leaves rustle. This coconut drink in Grian’s hand is surprisingly good.

“Scar—”

“Hey, Grian—”

There is a pause.

“Go on,” Grian says impatiently.

“No, no, I think you should ask.”

“I asked last time!” This is ridiculous. It’s a shame Grian has been enchanted by the ridiculous for years now. “We’re probably not even talking about the same—”

Scar interrupts, which is rude, but unfortunately he’s picked his most golden and unfair voice, like the sea caressing the sand, and Grian is momentarily helpless. “Will you, Grian,” Scar says, “do me the great honor of marrying me? Again?”

Grian throws a paper umbrella at him. “Scar,” he says, “I thought you’d never ask.”

[codename-mom]

Is Hotch...

A good husband?

A good father?

Let’s be honest, the answer is: no (for both).

Why?

CW: mention of domestic/child abuse, cheating, divorce, death, difficulties for child conception, pregnancy

Hotch is not a good husband

We don’t know much about the way Hotch and Haley have lived between the moment they have met (in high school) and the moment Jack was born (a short time after Hotch became the BAU’s director).

We know that they have met each other at a very young age and that they get married years later, in 1998 (?). If we take into account the hypothesis that Hotch was born in 1965, he was then 32/33 years old. So, they’ve known each other and probably lived together for 15 years before their wedding.

Which is curiously long, admit it.

However, it’s possible that they have waited for their situation to be more stable. Hotch have studied law in Virginia until 1992. We know that in 1997, he was a federal prosecutor at Seattle (so, at the other side of the country) and that after he has met Dave, he has moved to Quantico to become a profiler (so, new crossing of the country).

Haley has then followed Aaron from one side to the other of the US, leaving behind her family and friends (a thing that doesn’t bother Hotch because he doesn’t seem to have any friend and, officially, his only family is an errand young brother who can’t stand him). Which is, I think, a huge sacrifice for someone jobless and kids free (at this time), of which the only activity is basically to see people.

Then come the time where Hotch started to work for the BAU. At first, simple federal agent in a small team (Gideon, Rossi and him + maybe two other persons vaguely evocated once, but it’s hard to know how much time they have worked for the agency), he has to multiply travels so as the unit could cover all the territory. From this moment, he began to desert the marital home, but we can imagine that Haley agreed because they were understaffed.

Then Dave went retired, and Jason has surrendered; Aaron became an FBI unit chief at 38/39 years old. – The timeline is quite chaotic talking about this character, but we see in season 3 that Penelope has arrived 4 years earlier, when Derek and Spencer (and JJ?) are already there and all the team is already on the 6th floor of Quantico (and not anymore in the basement of another building, where Jason and Dave were). So, we can establish that Hotch must be around that age when he became a director (let’s remind that Gideon and Rossi discover the new premises when they come back, respectively in season 1 and 3).

Since then, taking into account his workforce (we know the usual team + Anderson, but there are also other agents in the bullpen who must be part of the BAU like the others) and his status, it’s not inconsistent to think that he doesn’t need to be in the field anymore. He can also follow office schedules, more adapted to a couple’s life.

But, no, he continues to leave with his subordinates even if his presence is not useful (his only expertise is to have been a federal prosecutor, which is of no use for the investigations), and he continues to come very early at work and to leave the office very late at night. He clearly forsakes Haley to his team profit.

And the things get worse when Haley becomes pregnant and has to stay in bed when she has still several months to wait before birth. We’ve got a woman who have to move as less as possible to increase the chance of survival of her fetus and who need help. Her husband should have been by her side to support her and to make her daily life easier, but in place of that he wanders for days far away from her. (We can assume that Jessica and her parents did the job, but it’s not a reason).

And here we go again after Jack’s birth. First of all, nothing prove that he was there for the birth. In a cut scene, we learn that he knew that Haley had contractions when he was in an investigation, and he offered to turn back home. Haley told him to go on working, that everything was fine. The eventuality he arrived too late is not nil then (but it’s still theoretical).

But we know that he wasn’t there to help her to take care of Jack when he was newborn. So, when kids are the most demanding in term of time and energy. He has continued to go on the field and to do two many hours when he didn’t have to. It’s clear that he had left Haley all alone with the baby (and a sick baby because we learn in the episode S02E04 that he has a condition bad enough for him to go to the hospital – detail that will disappear then from the writers’ memory…).

Haley had then to handle, upfront, her son, all the household chores and all the possible issues occurring into a house; after having follow Aaron from one coast to the other of the US several times. If we add on this that he never talked about what he was doing (‘cause it was confidential), we can understand that she was fed up with all this and that she asked for divorce.

We can however give some arguments in favor of Hotch:

His job is vital for the survival of the citizens: he doesn’t peel potatoes or is an accountant, he’s involved in the arrest of serial killers, sociopaths, and psychopaths able to go after anyone’s life. To take the decision not to go on the field anymore or not to answer his phone at night and during weekends is not simple.

He’s the only one to work in the couple: in the episode S05E01, Haley tells Aaron that she’s “working now”, which means that she wasn’t before, and that Aaron was the only one subsiding to the needs of their family. I don’t know how much a federal agent of his rank is paid, but if we take into account the fact that they lived into a house with a garden, in DC suburbs, with two cars (we didn’t see Haley’s but I doubt she went to the hospital, to the mall and to Quantico with a stroller using public transports); it was necessary for them to have a certain amount of money. To work less, without the possible risk premiums going on the field, would have pushed the couple to move again and to restrain their lifestyle.

In the episode S01E22, we learn that household chores don’t seem to bother him, on a contrary (he looks so thrilled to accomplish all the tasks Haley wants him to do). As so, we can assume that the days he was there, he took over his wife on this point.

And finally, from episode S02E19, we learn that this situation – him working a lot when his wife and son live their life by their side – weighs on him and stresses him. He’s afraid to receive phone calls when he’s at home and to have no choice but to leave. If we suppose that he loves his job, he doesn’t forsake Haley and Jack joyfully either. He doesn’t abandon them because he’s mean or because he doesn’t like them, he just thinks that he doesn’t have any choice.

[In the same episode, we learn that his father was a womanizer who didn’t try to be discreet, and in the episode S01E08, we can think that the said father wasn’t particularly nice too. And then, in the episode S03E02, when he understands that his wife cheats on him, he shows absolutely no aggressiveness. On the contrary. Hotch could have copied the attitude of his sire and been way more violent with Haley at that exact time. Somewhere, she was lucky that he has a strong self-control and that he’s more the passive guy…]

Actually, the only thing Haley did wrong was to haven’t ask for divorce earlier (before Jack’s birth for example), because the man she has married was clearly not the one she has met in high school anymore. She would have had a different life, maybe with several children, and would have still been alive. She stood by his side, perhaps because it was easier, but it wasn’t the right solution knowing that Aaron is obviously not made for married life.

And not for family life too…      

Hotch is not a good father

Like we’ve seen it above, the probability that Aaron have missed Jack’s birth is not nil. And, if the arrival of his son was of his interest, the logic would have been for him to adapt his schedule and to not go on the field anymore with his team near the due date.

Then, we know that he didn’t help his wife with the baby and in the episode S01E19, Jessica reproached him to not hold Jack properly, which leads us to think that he’s not used to have him in his arms.

Divorce happens and, even if he’s the only one to have a salary, the child custody is entirely entrusted to Haley, probably because of his numerous travels and his schedules not at all compatible with a life with a kid (that and the fact that he can get shot at any moment every time he leaves for a case). From this moment, we can suppose that his visits depend to his ex-wife’s will; ex-wife who is nice enough to let him break in in the middle of the night to see a sleeping child. It’s of no interest for Jack (he doesn’t know that his father is there). Once again, logic wants that he shows up on weekends and by daylight.

Which he doesn’t seem to do because, in the episode S04E13, we learn that he has offered a Christmas present for his son but doesn’t know if the latter had appreciated or not. Several explanations for that:

He has sent the present by mail and wasn’t there then for the receipt.

He hasn’t saw Jack since even if he had the time to (several weeks/months pass between episodes)

He didn’t make the effort to call Haley or to sent her a message to have the information.

Well, he doesn’t do what’s necessary to keep in touch with his son.

Then Foyet shows up and we all know what’s happened: Hotch becomes a single dad in a sudden. And nothing gets better… Indeed, if we see in the episode S06E16 that he seems to be there in the morning to take Jack to school, he continues to work very late at night and to go on the field for several days without having contacts with him (we saw him calling Haley at the beginning of the show, but we don’t see him doing the same with his son). All the work is done by Jessica, Jack’s aunt: pick up at school, homework, dinner, shower/bath, movie/fairy tale, tooth brushing + complete support during investigations.

Well, we understand that this is a suggestion of Jessica herself (Jack is the only "thing" left from her dead sister, we can get that she doesn’t want to lose her connection with her nephew), but Hotch doesn’t hesitate for long to pass it on and to get back to his old habits of workaholic, still not suitable for parenting. And he doesn’t seem to care about the fact that Jessica could wish to have her own family and that she must have a job and her own personal activities. He has the right to work – a kid is not free, so it’s normal that he keeps his job, especially when you know how much studies cost in US – but he could have adapted his schedules. But he didn’t.

You’re going to tell me: “Yes, but he’s there for Jack soccer encounters.” He’s there to train the team. He’s there to give orders and to handle a dozen of kiddos on Sunday morning. He’s still working, and his attention is not only directed on Jack, but on all the players. He’s just doing the cab between the apartment and the club, that’s all. Especially that we see in episode S10E20, he’s still working home (exactly like when he was married), which could mean that Jack is on his own when his father is there.

(Stop drooling, people! I know he's hot, but it's not the point. He has an office in his apartment (look behind his sexy hips).)

Well, we discover in the episode S07E04 that he’s regularly learning to Jack how to read the evening (to the point that Jack is well ahead of his comrades on that subject) and at the beginning of the episode S11E22, we understand that he and JJ often drive Jack and Henry to school in the morning. We also see him building a hut in the living-room in the episode S07E23, searching for a last minute Halloween costume in S10E05 and he's doing cookies with him in S06E06.

All this seem to prove that there are some interactions between them. But sadly, it doesn’t compensate the fact that he’s absent for the Halloween costume contest, that he skips the school trip to the museum and that he leaves his son to the hands of a woman he knows for a few months (Beth) in a city he and Jack barely know (New York). All these absences could have been avoided if he did just trust his men and let them handle the cases on their own. (I mean we talk about a guy who took a dangerous mission overseas when he has a son alone at home...)

And he knows it. He knows that he’s bad. He knows that his son agrees to his absences because he sees him as a hero. In the episode S11E22, tensions appear because Jack is not a little boy who idealize his father anymore and that he starts to understand that all this is not normal. That to privilege unknown people over his own child, it’s bad. And Hotch feels that the wind has changed as he speaks about it to JJ in the said episode. I think that if Thomas Gibson hadn’t been fired from the show, we would have seen conflicts between father and son because of his lack of involvement.

If I wanted to explain his behavior – without forgiving it – I’ll stress out that we start with a couple who knows each other for more than twenty years before the arrival of the baby. Which is abnormally long. (I know people who willingly had a kid when they only knew each other for a few months…)

The first explanation could be that they had some difficulties to conceive. One of them could have been sterile to a certain degree which makes difficult a natural conception. Or there is also the possibility of biological incompatibility between them (some vaginal biomes can be toxic for the spermatozoa of some individuals). Or certain external factors could have complicated the process. In any case, it could explain why the couple had only one child after so many years of marital life.

The second explanation – which is my personal headcanon – is that one of them didn’t want a kid (and by that, I mean he didn’t want one).

If we think about the fact that Hotch seems to have had a rotten childhood because of his disrespectful and violent father, and his resigned mother (she knew about the affairs of her husband, surely didn’t ignore his brutality, but she stayed with him and she even had another child with him 15 years later (yes, I know, beaten wives are under the influence of their torturer and to quit this vicious circle is extremely difficult; but from Aaron’s point of view, he was facing a woman who made the choice to stay no matter how the situation was dangerous for her and for him, in place of leaving and improving their chance of survival. Worse, she even has accepted to keep and give birth to another of his child…)), it’s not weird to imagine that he didn’t want to start his own family. He didn’t have any good example of what is a good father or a good mother. He doesn’t know what a warm home looks alike. [May I remember you that Hotch doesn’t celebrate his birthday (Haley and Jessica wished him once, but when we see how Penelope wishes it to him in the episode S09E06, we understand that she’s the only one to know); which could underline the fact that it wasn’t a happy day for him when he was a child.] In the end, he could have delayed this eventuality as long as possible.

How has Jack arrived tho? Several possibilities again:

Reassured by Haley and a little bit more comfortable with his abilities, he would have accepted his wife request.

Haley blackmailed him: “Give me that child or I leave”. To not lose her, he would have agreed no matter his fears.

Jack is not Aaron’s child.

I lean for the second option, which also explains the fact that he has some hard time to create a connection with his son. He didn’t really want him and he’s still thinking that he’ll be a bad father because of his past.

I could add that his autism doesn’t make the thing easier, but it’s another debate.

___

To make it short, Hotch is not made for marital life or family life no matter what.

Don't misunderstand me. I love the character but I can't forget that he has (huge) flaws. He's not the perfect man that we (fanfics writers) want him to be. He's neglectful on many points outside of his job. And that's why he's interesting in my opinion. A flawless character would have been so boring.

(Damn! This post took ages. None only because the gif search on Tumblr is all crap, but because I've got to rewatch countless episodes to find one line of dialogue so useful for this explanation. ^^; Hopefully, the next one will be less demanding.)

[memento-rory]

✭ 𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞.

✭ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: you and tyler keep meeting in unexpected places.

✭ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: erm tyler may be a lil ooc. 😗

✭ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: ~3k.

✭ 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: cc!reader. i literally love this little freak, so i had to get more out for him. this fic is very silly, but tyler is a silly guy, so it works out. enjoy! 💚

Roblox. Everyone and their mothers were playing it nowadays, and all of your social media, your text chat, your comment section were chock full of your fans pleading for you to finally start playing it yourself.

You’d seen a ton of videos of your friends playing it — specifically the Koury sisters — and it had always looked so fun. You reached out to Kalynn and Weston to see what servers they’d recommend, and they’d given you a list of all their favorites and what performed well, which was equally as important as you having fun since you were starting to get big.

You sat down at your desk, booting up Roblox. Once you created your account, you were immediately launched into the avatar customization. For a while, you debated picking the silliest options you could find, but you ended up creating an avatar that looked like a mini version of you with a cute little outfit that you’d wear irl.

You hopped into a couple different games, just getting a feel for the controls and how different servers work. After you decided you’d figured it out well enough, you started to film.

“Okay guys, you finally wore me down — today, we’re playing Roblox, and I’m about to find me a man.” You grinned mischievously at the camera, before clicking on a server called Neighbors, a 17+ server where you get paired up with strangers to chat in a little house.

You opened every conversation in the same way, saying, “I’m looking for a man. Tell me why you think it should be you.”

You found a couple people who made you laugh, bantering with them for a few minutes before moving on. All of it was going to make for really good content. You realized why everyone was playing Roblox. Shit was fun.

Your video was starting to push an hour without editing, probably about forty minutes with editing, so you decided to do one more round before calling it quits.

“Alright, y’all. It’s my last chance to find a man. Wish me luck.” You said, clicking ‘skip’ to move onto the next person.

You were matched with a user named Dr_Poop50. Their avatar was the standard Roblox avatar.

“Oh, this guy is giving me nothing to work with.” You told the camera.

“Okay, well, that’s rude.” A deep voice came from the user, and you covered your mouth as you realized you weren’t muted.

“Look, Dr. Poop, I’m trying to find me a man, and I’m sorry, but I’ve got nothing to go off of here.”

“Oh, damn! Okay!” He let out a little chuckle.

“Tell me why you think it should be you.”

“Well, I’m 6’7, for starters.”

“Meh.” You shrugged, sounding disinterested, but giggling at the offended sound he made at that.

“I’m really good at ping pong. How ‘bout that?”

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. I can’t be seen with someone who’s bad at ping pong.”

“I’m also rich, just by the way.”

“And you couldn’t even spare a couple bucks to customize your avatar? I’m supposed to believe you have money, looking like that?”

“Keep bullying me and I’m gonna fall in love with you.”

You muted your mic for just a moment. “Chat, we got him.” You grinned, before unmuting, “Do you wanna get Roblox married?”

“Fuck yeah. Can’t believe I have a new Roblox wife.”

“We’re gonna have soooo many Roblox babies.”

“I draw the line at babies. You’re gonna have to get a Roblox abortion.”

You clicked your tongue at that. “You can’t Roblox police Roblox women’s Roblox bodies.”

“Fine. Then I’m gonna get a Roblox lawyer and serve you Roblox divorce papers.”

“Good luck with that. How are you gonna get a Roblox lawyer with no Roblox money?”

“Shiiit.”

“You’re stuck with me forever, babe.”

“At least let me sign a Roblox pre-nup. Can’t let you take me for all I’m Roblox worth.”

“…Which, again, doesn’t seem to be a lot.”

He let out another laugh, the sound honestly kind of giving you butterflies. He had a nice voice. “Ouch, dude.”

Truthfully, this guy matched your energy so well that you didn’t really want to stop bantering with him, but your video was already too long.

“I can’t Roblox take this anymore. I’m taking the Roblox kids and moving to Roblox Montana and you’ll never Roblox see me again.”

“Nooooo!” The guy yelled quietly, and you left the game, giggling to yourself.

About two days later, you finally finished editing the video and uploaded it to your channel.

I Met My Ex-Husband on Roblox!

When you checked back in on it after a few hours, you realized the comments were flooded with several different versions of the same thing.

> writingsbyzuzu: (Y/N) AND HANSUMFELLA? my worlds are colliding

> bobthebuildersimp: no way you just met hansumfella and had no idea

> drfreaky: (y/n) met hansumfella and married him in a matter of minutes… what’s it like to live my Dream

Who is Hansumfella? You thought to yourself, your eyebrows furrowing, And why is everyone freaking out?

You had to figure this out, so as soon as you had some free time, you sat down and looked up Hansumfella on Youtube. Your eyebrows shot up as you noticed he had just uploaded a video, just moments before yours had gone up.

I Got Married AND Divorced in Roblox…

In the thumbnail was a screenshot of your avatar surrounded by hearts, with what you could only assume was Hansumfella’s face on the left. Christ. He was handsome as fuck. You supposed that’s why his username was what it was.

You clicked on the video, watching it all the way through. He’d met almost all the same people you had, including someone who lamented how they’d missed their chance with “some girl running this place like an episode of the Bachelor” to him.

Hansumfella commiserated with them, before addressing his audience. “We’re gonna find this girl and we’re gonna fuckin’ win the Bachelor.”

And find you, he did. It was kind of endearing to watch his perspective of the silly conversation the two of you had. He looked like he was genuinely having a good time, which made you feel even better about the whole interaction.

You scrolled down to his comments and they looked almost identical to yours.

> drfreaky: can’t believe you let (Y/N) go like that, man

> writingsbyzuzu: this is CRAZY how do you meet (Y/N) and not realize it’s (Y/N)!!!

> bobthebuildersimp: (Y/N) scored the bachelor of all bachelors

You wondered if Hansumfella read his comments, if maybe he was doing the same thing you were right now.

As if on cue, you received a notification from Twitter.

@HansumFellaLIVE has followed you!

You didn’t waste a second before following him back. Shortly after, another notification came in, this time letting you know that Hansumfella had tweeted at you.

@HansumFellaLIVE: @yourusername miss you wifey 😔

You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped you, immediately feeling the butterflies return to you. You sat for a second, wondering how to respond. Your viewers knew you to be pretty flirty (hence the Roblox Bachelor video), so you decided to play it up for your mutual audience.

@yourusername: @HansumFellaLIVE your kids miss their daddy… and so do i 😏

A week came and went, and you hadn’t heard anything else from Hansumfella — or Tyler, as you learned from his twitter account. It didn’t bother you, really. He was a stranger, just as much as you were. Meeting for five seconds on Roblox didn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway, you needed to film your next video. With the news of Omegle potentially shutting down for good, you decided to return to it one final time for your viewers.

“Alright, guys, since my last relationship didn’t work out — RIP my marriage to Hansumfella — I’m on Omegle to give it one last shot.” You told your viewers.

As Omegle loaded up, you stared at the bar where you were meant to type in your interests. “What should I put? …TikTok, maybe?”

You did exactly that, and met only a handful of normal people, trying to flirt with people clearly of age, and asking for relationship advice from people who clearly weren’t. It was going really well, and you were just about to bring the video to a close, but realized you had time for one more interaction.

You couldn’t believe your eyes as the next person appeared on your screen.

Tyler was staring at you, his mouth agape, but he looked delighted. He pointed at you, and you mimicked his expression, pointing back at him.

“No fuckin’ way,” Tyler laughed, leaning back in his chair, “It’s my wife! How are you? How are the kids?”

“Oh, they’re just perfect,” You answered him sarcastically, playing into the bit, “They keep asking me when daddy’s coming back home from the store. I keep telling them there’s a milk shortage so it’s taking you a long ass time to find some.”

“Don’t blame this on me,” Tyler smiled at you, chuckling, “You’re the one that ran off to Roblox Montana. I was just trying to do right by y’all.”

“All I’m saying is that you should have fought for us.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

“You’re right, you’re right.” Tyler held his hands up in surrender. “What can I do to fix this?”

“Come home to us.”

Tyler clapped his hands together, nodding his head. “Daddy’s comin’ home.”

You couldn’t help it — you broke at that, letting out a cackle, which made Tyler start laughing too.

“This is fuckin’ nuts,” You shook your head in disbelief as your laughter died down. “No way I’m running into you randomly again. What are the odds?”

“I don’t know, but they seem to be in my favor.” Tyler grinned at you. You felt your cheeks heat up at his flirtatious statement, though you couldn’t be sure if he actually meant it or if he was just playing it up for the camera.

“My viewers are gonna eat this shit up.” You told him, letting out another laugh as you spoke.

“No, for real,” Tyler nodded, “Literally everyone has been all up in my shit asking if we were gonna start collabing.”

“Dude, same! My comment section, my twitch chat, my fuckin’ twitter mentions. It’s, like, all I see.”

“Maybe this’ll hold ‘em over until the next time we run into each other.” Tyler said, sitting up a little straighter, “If you do actually want to collab, I mean.”

“You wanna collab?” You asked, a little surprised. You weren’t expecting him to actually want to work with you past the silly bit between the two of you.

“Yeah, dude,” Tyler chuckled at your surprised expression. “You’re funny as fuck, and obviously we share an audience. Could be fun.”

“And good for your channel,” You teased, “You just wanna use me for my numbers,”

“Fuck, you got me.” Tyler released a heavy sigh, throwing his hands up in mock frustration.

“All good,” A mischievous grin spread across your face, “I just wanna use you for your numbers too.”

“I knew you were a gold digger, before I even Roblox married you, I knew it!” Tyler immediately got back into character, almost whisper yelling as he pointed an accusatory finger at his camera.

“Yeah, and what good did that do me?” You mimicked his actions, scowling at your camera, “Not a single cent in Roblox child support!”

You and Tyler dissolved into giggles again at your stupid bit. Once you’d calmed down again, you were about to tell him you needed to move on for the sake of your video, but he started asking you questions about yourself, so you indulged him. Every time there was a lull in the conversation — which wasn’t really all that often — he would start up another one, almost like he didn’t want to stop talking to you.

“Tyler,” You finally said, feigning disappointment at him, “You’ve completely ruined my video. I can’t put any of this out.”

“I know, I know,” Tyler held his hands up, smiling softly, “Guess I just like talking to you or whatever.” He made a big show of rolling his eyes, but that sweet smile stayed on his face.

Heat rose up in your cheeks again, and you shook your head, laughing a little. “We can keep talking, I’d just rather do it somewhere that isn’t Omegle.”

“That’s fair.” Tyler chuckled, nodding slowly. “Give me your phone number.”

Okay, direct. You liked that.

“Why, so you can post it and dox me?”

“Oh my Goddd,” Tyler groaned playfully, throwing his head back. He told you his number instead, and you put it in your phone.

“Tell the kids I miss them.” Tyler said wistfully as you geared up to end your recording and get off of Omegle.

“Tell ‘em yourself.” You spit out, disconnecting with a giggle.

You and Tyler ended up texting at almost all hours of the day for the next week or so. The two of you made a plan to post your Omegle videos at the same time, to maximize your joint slay, as Tyler had said.

Your video goes up with the title I Saw My Ex On Omegle?!

When you got the notification that he had posted his version, your eyes went wide at the title.

I Interviewed My Celebrity Crush on Omegle…

The thumbnail was a screenshot of you with all of your features blurred, but your room was clearly visible behind you, giving you away to anyone who was familiar with you.

You decided to sit down and watch his version, curious to see what he kept in and what he didn’t. Of course, the original bit made the cut, and you couldn’t help but laugh as you watched it back.

Tyler had kept a lot more in the video than you were expecting. A good portion of the conversation you’d had made it in, but it was mostly just questions he had asked you and answers you’d given him. It definitely played out like an interview, hence the title of his video.

You scrolled down to the comments, blushing as you read all of his viewers squealing over him calling you his celebrity crush. Obviously he was just playing it up for his audience, there was no way he had a crush on you for real, right?

The comments of your video looked almost exactly the same, asking you if you’d seen the title of his video or all caps statements about how much they loved the two of you together.

It wasn’t long before you got a text from Tyler to discuss the reception of your videos.

> from: tyler

>> Hey wifey

>> Looks like people are really fuckin with the new vid

>> Where should we bump into each other next?

You felt yourself grinning at the message, excited to potentially work with him again — strictly professionally, of course.

“Alright, y’all, we’ve got a real good stream lined up tonight.” You grinned, putting your headphones on. “I snagged an invite to the SDMP. Let’s go annoy all of your favorite creators.”

As soon as you spawned in to the SDMP, your chat erupted with demands to find different creators — though most of them were just demands to find Tyler — and you giggled at the scrolling text.

“Guys, calm down! I literally just got here. Let me get settled in!” You told your chat, as you wandered through the server, marveling at all the nice houses and builds.

As you wandered into the residential area, a familiar voice drifted into your ears.

“There she is!” Tyler said as he made his way over to you, “There’s my wife!”

You turned to look at him, eyeing your camera with fake annoyance before looking back at your screen. “Babe, where are the kids? It’s your weekend.”

“They’re fine.” Tyler answered, “They’re with the nanny.”

“I didn’t think you could afford a nanny.” You teased.

“I shelled out a little extra so I had someone to watch ‘em while I make things right with mommy.” Tyler replied, chuckling quietly. “Please, take me back. Let’s build a house together and live happily ever after.”

You muted your mic for just a second to say, “Chat, what do you think? Should I take him back?”

Hundreds of variations of YES! flooded your chat.

“I wanna live in a mansion.” You told Tyler, and his skin started to jump up and down in excitement.

“Fuck yeah,” Tyler laughed, “I’ll give you anything you want, wifey.”

“Let’s have another baby.”

“…Anything but that.”

You and Tyler spent hours gathering supplies and building a house together, just shooting the shit like you had been for days.

Truthfully, you had a hard time discerning what was actual flirting from him and what was being played up for his stream, but the longer you spent together, the more real it all felt.

When it started to get late, you decided to end your stream, but stayed on the server for just a little while longer before bed. Tyler had opted to do the same, mentioning he wasn’t quite ready to head to bed yet either.

“I forgot to tell you,” Tyler started offhandedly, “I’m gonna be in LA next week. I’d love to see you, if you’d be down to chill. You could show me your favorite lunch spot.”

You paused your building, your skin growing warm at the offer. “Like a date?” You chanced to ask, and you heard Tyler’s laughter in your ear.

“Yeah, like a date.” Tyler confirmed. “Unless you’re not into that. I just thought we were vibing, but I didn’t know if it was just for show or—”

“No, no, I’m super into that.” You interrupted, smiling.

“Fuck yeah,” Tyler breathed, “Because I’m super into you.”

[gabessquishytum]

Hob doesn't do relationships. He doesn't hate love or anything, they're just not for him. He likes to sleep around and hook up with different people and any kind of relationship he maintains is strictly casual. And it was fine when he was 20, but now Hob's almost 30 and Joanna feels like Hob needs to grow up a bit. He doesn't need to settle down or make huge commitment, but it wouldn't hurt to give dating a try and maybe grow a little as a person.

So she gives him a talking to, and while he's resistant at first, he takes some time to really look at his life and he realizes that yeah, maybe she has a point. And she tries to tell him it doesn't need to be a complete lifestyle change, just a few more dates, a few less hook ups, but Hob doesn't do anything halfway. He declares that he will the next person he is attracted to and absolutely not have sex with until a few dates in when he's sure he likes them.

Dream, on the other hand, has a problem. He's approaching 30 and already has two divorces under his belt. He commits too much too fast and he's really bad at taking things slow in a relationship. So he asks Death for some advice and she suggests that maybe he should try some hook ups, to be with somebody where there aren't any expectations for the future. Yes, this is a good idea, Dream thinks. He's going to go out and find somebody to sleep with and will absolutely not let himself develop any feelings.

Dream and Hob end up in the same bar and Hob starts chatting him up. Dream is excited because this handsome man seems like the perfect place to start. They're really hitting it off, except this man seems like he wants...a date? Which is incredibly tempting, but Dream has promised himself that that's not what he wants. It's fine, he's sure he can convince this man to go home with him.

Hob has found the perfect candidate for a date. He's beautiful and they're getting along very well, but then the man makes it clear he wants to take Hob home for sex. Which, while very tempting, is not what Hob is after, but this man is way too good to give up on just yet. It's fine, he'll just have to try harder to convince this man to go on a date.

So they're stuck there, basically playing a game of chicken to see who will give up first. The chemistry between them is palpable, and neither is willing to totally give up and find someone else. Hob loses first. Dream plays dirty and starts whispering all kinds of things in his ear and Hob folds like a wet paper towel (Hob is a weak man, okay? he knows). But Dreams loses later when he invites Hob to stay and can't help making breakfast for him in the morning and says yes to a date before Hob even finishes asking again.

AJAJSJDHSH they're so fucking stupid aren't they? Unstoppable dumbass x immovable idiot.

I really enjoy the fact that they both ultimately completely fail in their objectives. Hob is such a sweet slut he can't not go home with Dream and suck his pretty pink cock. And Dream is such a hopeless romantic, he can't not develop feelings on that very first morning as Hob sings along with the radio and licks syrup off his fingers.

Hob suggests a compromise: they will inevitably date and fall in love and probably get married (Hob has decided this already, like we've already said, he doesn't do things by halves). BUT they can also play a little game. Every other week or so, they'll go out, and seduce each other all over again. Pretending to be complete strangers, coming up with new backstories each time. Thus, Dream will get to 'explore' new people and let go of all the inhibitions one tends to develop in a relationship.

Dream rolls his eyes fondly, because its sort of a terrible idea, but he loves that Hob is trying to arrange compromises for their relationship already. It's a good sign for the future, he thinks, and hey. Maybe they'll give the game a go sometime. It won't be so bad to let Hob seduce him, next time...

[mangowillow]

last to know | ch. 1: haunted dreams

pairing: jungkook x (f) reader / kim woosung x (f) reader

summary: you and jeongguk got together at 16 years old, married at 20, and divorced at 21. what was once love ever after turned into nothing but pain and unfulfilled dreams. you keep going despite the pain in your heart that never really went away, until one day, jungkook comes back— to seoul and in your life.

general story tags: divorce au, childhood friends, angst (who am i without it), hurt & eventual comfort, kind of a slow burn, OC is an adopted child in this fic, a lot of flashbacks later on because context is important; and the others that a lot of people seem to dislike: a love triangle and a LOT of miscommunication. look away if this isn't your thing. tags and warnings will be updated as we go along with each chapter!

warnings: nothing really; well, maybe except seokjin's intrusive thoughts about an axe k*ller— but it's tame, i promise! oh, and jeongguk gets slapped. be nice and let me know if i miss anything! there's a mini flashback in this chapter in all italics marked by a ♥!

word count: 3,900

author's note: i am very nervous about this first chapter because it's been A WHILE since i last wrote ~something~ so anyway! here you go, enjoy!

fic masterlist

New York, 2023

It was right when the DJ turned up the volume that Jeongguk felt the impact of a palm hitting him square in the jaw.

Jeongguk doesn’t know what stimuli to focus on: should it be the loud music blasting through the speakers or the sting of the slap that he probably deserved. It doesn’t take his brain too long to piece together what just happened 5 seconds ago. He knows what’s coming and he is also very much aware that he did see it coming sooner or later.

“Fuck you, Jeongguk,” Ae-cha grits through her teeth. Jeongguk swears she’s about to cry, tears threatening to spill amidst the blue glow of the lights above them. “We are dating, how can you say that—”

“We sleep together when it’s convenient for the both of us, Ae-cha.” Jeongguk downs the rest of his scotch, along with the remnants of his pride. “I never said anything about dating.”

“You are such a jerk!” Ae-cha turns a shade of red, tears in the corners of her eyes. It isn’t the first time Jeongguk has ever made a woman cry, but oddly enough, he doesn’t feel that hollow ache in his chest; the one he felt the first time he made that mistake. He should feel bad, he thinks, but then again, he also doesn’t.

Does that make him a bad person? 

“I didn’t listen to my friends when they said you were trouble. I wanted to prove them wrong—” Ae-cha starts, but Jeongguk cuts her off.

“Why? Why do you have to?”

Ae-cha’s eyes grow wide as she watches Jeongguk stare at his empty glass.

“You should have listened to your friends.” Jeongguk says, matter-of-fact. Ae-cha scoffs and Jeongguk knows now is the right time to probably shut up.

But he’s a jerk, just like Ae-cha says he was.

“I told you right from the beginning… we just use each other because we’re both lonely,” Jeongguk feels his throat turn dry, “I think somewhere along the way, you misread my actions.”

Ae-cha doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. She closes her eyes for a minute and Jeongguk looks at her, waiting for her rebuttal. Or maybe a second slap. Whichever comes first.

Ae-cha speaks in a voice so low, it’s perplexing how Jeongguk is still able to pick up her words— “Your problem is that you do not care about other people’s feelings, Jeongguk. You only care about your own.”

Jeongguk tightens his jaw; now he feels his heart aching.

“You hurt people. You ruin good things. You keep your heart under tight wraps and you do not let anyone in. If you keep that up, you will end up with no one.”

Jeongguk stares at Ae-cha, wanting to say something, but failing completely. Maybe this is what he gets for sleeping with a psychologist— a rude awakening.

Before he can say anything, Ae-cha turns on her heel and walks away. Jeongguk remains at the bar for a bit more until the song changes into a slower tempo. It feels like a chore walking back to the table where his best friend Yoongi was— like walking on lead. 

“That must’ve hurt—” Yoongi starts, fingers reaching out to the peanut bowl and putting some into his mouth. Jeongguk plops down on the chair with a sigh. “What a shitty night,” he quips.

Yoongi hums, “And whose fault is that?” 

Jeongguk looks at his best friend in annoyance. Yoongi chuckles, putting more peanuts into his mouth. “What’d she say?”

“That I’m a jerk who hurts people and ruins good things.”

“Is it true?”

“You tell me.”

“I don’t think I need to do that, kid.” Yoongi concludes, glancing at Jeongguk. He takes a swing out of his beer bottle before continuing, “You know damn well the answer to that.”

Jeongguk clicks his tongue and takes the beer from Yoongi. He takes a swig himself, letting their conversation die out by drowning it into the same old music he’s used to hearing almost every night. 

Jeongguk comes home to his apartment that night, tipsy and his heart in pieces. Walking into the living room, the corner of his eyes catch the stack of luggages already packed and loaded. He didn’t feel like sitting on the couch so he opts to sit on the floor, his fingers grazing the carpet absentmindedly. A beat later, he allows his heart to bleed once more— as he always seems to do every single night for the past few years. Leaning his head back against the edge of his couch, he cries himself to sleep, wishing, praying the ache in his chest—and the words you hurt people—would go away in the morning.

Seoul, 2023

Your eyes try to take in the art in front of you— The Artist’s Garden in Giverny, Claude Monet, 1900. Usually, many emotions overwhelm your system and you cannot help but discuss any painting with the next person willing to listen. 

And once upon a time, you were enthusiastic about your craft and love for the arts. It was almost always too easy, too often that you could come up with pieces to add to your gallery. But that hasn’t happened in over a year— maybe more than. 

In the stillness of the room you are in, you hear light footsteps coming closer to where you are. You keep your eyes trained on Monet’s painting until your brother Seokjin sits beside you.

For a while, you and Seokjin just sit beside each other— no words, only a quiet understanding that close siblings seem to share and empathize with. Seokjin’s parents adopted you when you were eleven; a year after you and your parents met a horrible car collision. You are five months older than Seokin, yet that fact doesn't deter him at all, and more often than not, he usually ends up acting like your older brother. When he first met you at the orphanage, he grew fond of you real quick— already asking his parents when he’d be allowed to play with you. He doesn’t mind that you were once part of the system, that you are his half-sister— not really. He never treated you any differently. He loves you with his whole heart and he will always protect you. 

This is why he also cannot stand stillness at times, especially when it involves you.

“Have you been waiting long?” Seokjin asks.

You have a habit of kicking your right foot into the air when you don’t really know how to respond right away. You take a sharp inhale before shaking your head. Seokjin follows your line of sight— you were still looking at the painting.

“Does it make you feel better? Looking at this, I mean…” 

Seokjin’s question makes you look at him instead, like you just realized he had been sitting there this whole time and you never knew. He meets your eyes, sees the sadness in them. He will always know no matter how hard you try to hide it.

“Happy birthday, ____”

You don’t respond. 

“Taehyung and the others are waiting down at the cafe. Do you still want to meet them?”

You nod once before giving Seokjin a smile, “Of course.”

Seokjin slides into the gap between the two of you and instinctively, you rest your head on his shoulder as he envelops you in a side hug. He rubs a hand up and down your arm before planting a light kiss on top of your head.

“I know it doesn’t get any easier, ____. But I just want you to know that I love you… We all love you.” 

With shaky breath and tears that threaten to spill from your eyes, you whisper, “I know.”

As Seokjin gets into the driver’s seat, you hand him an envelope. Seokjin has an inkling what it is, but he asks you anyway as he squints his eyes at you.

“What is that supposed to be?”

You push the envelope towards him a bit more, just humming, “It’s the last payment.”

Seokjin rolls his eyes as he presses the ignition. He doesn’t take the envelope, “Oh come on, Seokjin, just take it.”

“And for the nth time, you shouldn’t have to pay for something I willingly helped you out for. We’re siblings, for gods sake, ____.”

You lower your hands, setting the envelope on your lap. Eyes cast down you mumble, “I know that. I was able to sell a painting again after a long time and it felt good… But I already told you this before— I’d feel better if you just please take this.” 

Seokjin lets out a sigh— usually he makes that sound when he’s already defeated. 

“Please don’t tell me you’re giving me all the money you worked hard for,” Seokjin starts and you shake your head as soon as you heard the word all. “No, not at all, I— I had some saved up and the rest of it will be for rent.”

You look at Seokjin who still looks suspicious. You playfully roll your eyes and Seokjin sees you smile for the first time that night.

“I promise.”

Seokjin sets his eyes on the parking lot, placing his hands on the steering wheel, “Fine—” you squeal as soon as he gives in and you place the envelope in the glove compartment. “—but this is the last time, all right?”

“Yes sir, that’s the last of the payments,” you respond a tone higher than your usual. Seokjin chuckles as he sets the gear into reverse.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help moving some of your stuff?” Seokjin asks as you fasten your seatbelt.

“Not really, I think I can manage just fine.”

You expect Seokjin to be backing up the car right now, yet he remains unmoving. You chuckle.

“I’ll be fine, Seokjin. Movers will help me move some of the heavier stuff.”

“Listen, ____, I was beyond ecstatic when you told me you were moving out of… there. I just don’t understand why you need to move in somewhere else when you can just stay with me.”

“Seokjin—”

“And it’s not like you have any problems with money or anything, I mean, you are doing okay right?”

“I am,” you answer with a smirk.

“Yah, don’t give me that look, ____. I’m serious, I really don’t understand why you have to stay somewhere else.”

“I already told you. I don’t need a big apartment, I just need a place to sleep. And isn’t it weird if we live together— people are going to think we’re co-dependent.”

Seokjin opens his mouth to argue, but you cut him off, “And I know what you’re going to ask next. Why did I choose to move in an apartment on the other side of the city? And I already told you a dozen times— I need to learn how to be on my own for real this time. And it’s much cheaper compared to all the other apartments in the city center, I mean— have you seen Seoul?”

“Don’t get cheeky with me, woman. Sure yeah, valid, but have you met your neighbors?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” you ask confidently.

“Well, they could be an ax killer or something—”

“Or they could just be an ordinary person with a normal life, Seokjin.” You laugh at your brother’s catastrophic thoughts. You completely understand where he’s coming from— he just wants to protect you.

“That’s only hypothetical,” Seokjin snarks as he stops at a stoplight. You lay your hand on top of his on the console.

“I know you’re worried about me—”

“I am, you brat.”

“And I will forever be grateful… but I need to do this,” you reply calmly, almost like you were whispering. “I hope you understand.”

“I’m trying, ____. It’s not exactly easy to do that when you’re not giving me the grace to understand exactly why you need to do this… when you can just stay with me. The house is too big. And the cafe is right next door!”

“And we will get to that someday… but not right now, hm?” Seokjin sighs in defeat. “I will call you every single night if that will make you feel better.”

“Yah, those kinds of things have to come from the heart, not because you’re forced to do it just to appease me.”

“I’m not… I actually really want to talk to my little brother every day,” you tease as Seokjin scoffs.

“Fine, you have to call me every day, okay? Promise?”

You grin wide, “I promise.”

“And I am not your little brother, we’re only 5 months apart.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m older than you.”

Seokjin grumbles under his breath but a smirk was on his lips, “And you’re always going to be my brat.”

The coffee shop you and Seokjin run together has been passed down by your parents. Ever since Seokjin could utter the word, “coffee,” everyone in the family knew he was destined to manage the coffee chains. Even though you were technically the older one, your parents were more lenient and allowed you to forge your own path. Seokjin understood that and he wouldn’t have it any other way despite your pleas to help him with all the major business work. It has been a few years since the original coffee shop in Seongsu-dong expanded into different branches across Seoul. When you flew back from New York, you immediately put up your own artist studio right beside the cafe. Seokjin even pitched in on the idea of a gallery where people can choose to paint while drinking their favorite latte. Four years later, people now come for the art displays and occasional indie music performances, at times poetry nights. 

Four years later, you were also making a name for yourself as an artist. Seokjin once told you you were a jack of all trades, master of everything because you were crafty with your hands— painting, dress-making, cooking. And you brush him off every single time.

Because if anything, one of your greatest weaknesses was believing whether or not you were good enough for anything or anyone.

Seokjin opens the door for you as you both enter the coffee shop. As soon as you come in, you are greeted by your long-time friends— Taehyung, Hoseok, and Jimin. You met Taehyung and Jimin in New York because you were all fine arts students. Hoseok came into the picture as Taehyung’s lover not long after the three of you came back home to Seoul. 

“There she is, our little star,” Taehyung greets you with his signature boxy smile. His arms are wide open, ready to engulf you in a tight embrace. Jimin and Hoseok follow suit, each with a kiss on the cheek.

“It’s about time you show your pretty face, ____. It’s been ages since we last saw you,” Jimin quips.

“But I text and call you guys almost every day,” you defend. Hoseok pushes a plate of strawberry cake towards you and adds, “It’s not the same as seeing you in the flesh, ____. You look amazing, as always.”

“Thank you, Hobi. That’s reassuring, considering the fact that I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in ages.”

“Too many commissions?” Jimin asks.

“More than that, the gallery show at Seojung Art is in six months, and I still haven’t started on my piece.”

“Do you already know what you’re going to create?” Taehyung asks as he takes a bite of his croissant.

“That’s the problem… inspiration isn’t coming. It’s a bother,” a frown now evident across your face. Jimin holds your hand.

“You know you’re really talented, right, ____? You’ll pull through.”

“Thanks, Jiminie,” you smile at him. 

“Maybe one of the customers’ paintings here could ignite a spark?” Taehyung starts. “I mean, sometimes the best kind of inspiration hits when you least expect it.”

“You’re right. I’ll sleep on it tonight… if I do get to sleep,” you chuckle, but they all know it’s more than that.

Seokjin comes back to the table with your hot mint tea— a drink that almost always helps you fall asleep.

“What’s with the dead atmosphere, guys? It’s been a while since we all got together like this and you’re all moping,” Seokjin jokes. He has always been the life of the party contrary to his very introverted nature.

“It really is a good night, isn’t it?” Taehyung replies as he eats up the last bit of his pastry. “Hoseok and I actually enjoyed the night breeze on the way here because it was just the right amount of chilly.”

“Always the romantic, this one,” Hoseok laughs.

Jimin carefully watches you as you sip your tea in silence. “Are you all settled to move in tomorrow, ____? Do you need help?” 

“I’ll be fine, Jimin. I don't have as much stuff to pack, anyway.”

“Oh yeah that’s right, tomorrow’s moving day. Are you excited?” Taehyung jumps a bit on his seat, suddenly interested in the conversation.

“Not really, I mean, it’s going to be pretty boring moving stuff around, don’t you think?”

“But it’s also the start of a new beginning.” Taehyung supplies.

You smile after taking a bite of the cake, “That is very true.”

Seokjin opens his mouth to talk, but then closes it. He changes his mind anyway, “Her neighbors don’t own axes or something, right Taehyung?”

Taehyung giggles, “I don’t know, hyung, It’s not like I went into every apartment on her floor.”

Seokjin turns pale and Taehyung laughs. Taehyung used to live on the same floor as the one you’re about to move into— before he moved in with Hoseok.

“Seokjin is so worried about the neightbors that he couldn’t stop ranting about it on the way here,” you chuckle. “But as I told him, I’ll be fine.” You placed emphasis on the word fine as you held Seokjin’s hand for reassurance under the table.

“Are you telling that to us or to yourself?” Seokjin starts. He has a way of being so upfront with you that there were moments when it became the cause of your fights and misunderstandings. Seokjin sometimes does not know when to stop, yet you know he always means well. You love and dislike him for it at the same time.

“Hyung…” Jimin readily interjects.

“It’s okay, Jimin…” you put your fork down and paused before looking at Seokjin. “I am telling all of you and myself… that I will be fine. I am honestly really thankful that you’re all here now to keep me company.”

You’ve been saying the word “fine” and “okay” a whole lot that night— you started to doubt if you really are or if Seokjin was right— that you’re just trying to convince yourself of it.

“Are you holding up okay, noona?” Hoseok asks, worried.

“Of course—” you take a sharp exhale before continuing, “It also means that time is helping me get past it. And I am okay with that.”

None of your friends respond. 

“We love you always, ____. You’ll always have us.” Taehyung said.

“Happy birthday, noona,” Jimin smiles. 

Your friends sing you their greetings as Hoseok brings out their surprise birthday cake and flowers. As you try not to cry at their gesture, you try to give them the most genuine smile you can muster. Yet in your heart, you know it’s not enough to convince them. Or yourself.

♥ “You do not get to tell me shit because I have done everything for you—”

“I didn’t ask for any of this, Jeongguk—”

“And yet you still came here with me. If you are really that resentful about moving here… about marrying me— then why did you stay? Why are you still here?”

“I never said I resented you.”

“Yeah? Well it feels like it. You make me feel like shit whenever I can’t help you! God I— you know what? I’m done. I can’t do this with you anymore.”

“W-what do you mean you can’t—”

“—I’m saying we should end this. I want a divorce.”

Yoongi gently shakes Jeongguk’s shoulder to wake him up. “We’re almost landing, Jeongguk-ah,” he whispers.

Jeongguk slightly jerks from his sleep. His body feels heavy, his brain foggy but at the same time trying to recover from the dream he just had.

“It’s the same dream again, isn’t it?” Yoongi asks, knuckles turning white as he holds on to the arm rests. Turbulence has always been a bitch— well, at least to Yoongi. Jeongguk doesn’t answer him; instead, he looks out the plane window, thinking the plane couldn’t land fast enough.

“You keep calling out for her, you know? When you dream, I mean. Did you know that?”

That gets Jeongguk’s attention. He bites down on his lip ring before shaking his head, “No. I didn’t know.”

From baggage claim until Jeongguk and Yoongi exit through arrivals, there has been nothing but silence. Yoongi notices how Jeongguk’s hands couldn’t keep still: he’d take them in and out of his pockets. As they walk to the car that awaits them, Yoongi asks once more— “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?

Jeongguk lets out a long breath before looking at his best friend: “I will be.”

“This is the last of the boxes, ma’am.” One of the movers holds a medium-sized box. “Where do you want me to put it?”

You get up from one of the boxes you were opening, “Oh, that’s okay, I’ll take it. Thank you.”

“I just need you to sign one more thing before we wrap up.”

“Of course,” you take the pen and sign on the dotted line.

“Have a good day,” The movers gave you a small bow before they went on their way. Looking around the room, you let out a sigh. The apartment is bigger than you initially thought but you are happy about that. There’s an extra room spacious enough to set up a painting studio. 

Your eyes land on the last box that was given to you by the mover. Inside it are memories that you don’t feel ready to touch just yet. Despite everything else scattered around your room, you pick up the box and shove it into the back corner of your closet. Maybe someday you’ll have the heart to open it again, but right now, it stays out of sight.

You were about to start opening one of the other boxes when a soft, melodic voice comes up behind you— “Hey baby.”

You turn around quickly, your heart and body naturally gravitating to the owner of the voice: Kim Woosung, your boyfriend.

“Hi,” you softly respond, heart happy upon seeing your boyfriend’s smile. He sets the take-out bags down to hug you. Woosung then gives you a long kiss on your forehead, mumbling, “I missed you.”

You don’t lift your eyes to meet his right away, but your hands reach out for his as he cradles your face. When you finally look at him, he gives you that warm smile you have always loved. With Woosung, there is peace, the kind that secures your heart. As he aligns his forehead with yours, you feel all your worries melt away. 

With Woosung, everything feels safe, so right.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Woosung apologizes. You shake your head gently and wrap your arms around his neck.

“You’re just in time.”

[all-pacas]

can you imagine what it would be like if cameron and chase had children on the show?

hilarious. liver lesbians two point oh

no okay! ok. SERIOUS ANSWER.

First of all, I don't think they'd be bad parents. It also seems to have been something they discussed off screen and decided they were going to do. In a way, it makes sense for them both, yeah? A lot of their relationship seems to have been… both of them sort of cosplaying "an adult relationship," ignoring the looming issues and hitting those Milestones. That's not to say I think they were like… faking it, but. I think both Cameron and Chase liked being people who were in a successful relationship, proving they could do it and sustain it. And that kind of "ignore the problems" attitude got them through a few years!

I'm gonna do a quick tangent! IDK if you know Elementary (if you don't, it's incredible, please watch it). But a major thread for Joan's character on the show is that she feels like she should pursue romance and date and have Serious Relationships, because that's just what you do, and she's very good at following society's rules. Except she doesn't actually like romance. She enjoys sex. She enjoys friendship and companionship. But she's pretty damn aromantic, and her development essentially is her coming to terms with that fact about herself: that wanting to want relationships isn't the same and it's actually fine. A lot of Joan's development is her embracing the idea that she can be whatever and whoever she wants to be, she can be a consulting detective, instead of fitting into a little box.

I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say Cameron is aromantic, but it's very, very true that she wants love. She defines herself as someone who loves, someone who would love a dying man, someone who can love and fix House, and a lot of her relationship with Chase actually sort of tiptoes around the idea that maybe she's not correct about her self perception. She is almost always presented as "in the wrong" where Chase is concerned, subtly and less so. (She is told to compromise and let him move in. She is told to destroy the sperm. She is told to stop passive-aggressively ghosting him and get engaged.) I'm not sure that Cameron really learned anything about herself in all of this, but I do think that a) Cameron absolutely has a five year plan for herself that involves Marriage and 2.5 Kids and a House, because it's what you do and because she defines herself as a person who wants all that, and b) she probably does not want all that, because time and time again she struggles with the gap between how she wants the world and her life to be, and how it actually is, and never quite seems to be entirely happy with who she is and where she is in life.

So of course she wants kids. And I think she'd be a good mom, to be clear. But I think she'd like being a mom a lot less than she expects. She absolutely imagines some sort of… wearing a long dress and everything is perfect and floaty and soft focus, you know?

Obviously, Chase gets along great with kids. He bonds with them, he's good at talking to them. The S8 sister retcon makes perfect retroactive sense: of course he basically raised his younger sister, because he knows how to talk to kids too well for a spoiled rich kid only child. I actually don't know — he alludes to Cameron that they're planning on having kids, but I can go either way on how much he'd actually, personally want them, you know? Getting along with kids is different from having them, and he has so many issues with his own parents it's easy to imagine he'd be pretty wary of the idea. And while he comes off as more committed than Cameron when they're together, he doesn't have any serious relationships or desires to settle down before or after her. But when they're together, he is totally all in on the relationship, and what do you do when you get married? You have kids, obviously.

So I think they absolutely were planning to have kids, and had the divorce not happened, they definitely would have had one or two, and I think it would have majorly freaked them both out (Cameron, who has a history of picking up and moving cross-country in the face of trauma, can't leave once she has a baby; Chase, who has all the parental issues in the world, probably terrified of letting his kid down like his parents did). And I think they wouldn't be able to talk about it with one another, because that would be admitting doubts. And I think they'd probably both double down on being good parents, because if you admit this isn't what you want you have failed as a person. I think it's quite possible they might have both (to circle back to Joan and Elementary) been happier and lasted longer if they never got engaged, if they could just… be together with no expectations or pressure or kids. I think there's no way either of them would ever consider it. Cameron idealizes marriage too much. Chase is too incapable of admitting his insecurities.

I think I've joked before: AU where they don't divorce still ends in divorce. I think their best case scenario is they split up when the kids are older. They manage to be pretty amicable about it, they actually do remain friends and decent co-parents. They're both deeply, deeply relieved to call it quits.

Also, their kids would be really pretty.

[kakiastro]

North Node-Where you are going in this lifetime

The North Node in my opinion is one of the hardest placements to really understand. It’s hard because it’s the main lesson you need to learn and where you are headed until you pass on.

It’s out of our comfort zone, it’s uncharted territory and we tend to have trouble embracing it. Now personally, I’m a firm believer that you unconsciously lean into your North Node.

A lot of modern day astrologers believe we should let go of our South Node energy (our comfort zone) but I disagree, we need to use our south node energy to reach our north nodes. Our South Node is the gifts and lessons we are born with, we know this energy because it’s something we’ve mastered early in our life. If you believe in reincarnation this is energy you’ve mastered in multiple past lives.

How to look find out what you’re meant to learn

1. Look at the sign

2. Look at what modality it’s in such as:

-Cardinal-initiation and action

-Fixed- uphold and maintain

-Mutable- change and move

3. Look at the house your NN is in

4. Look at the ruling planet of your NN

5. Look at the house your NN ruling planet is

6. If there’s any planets conj your NN, that planet + the house(s) it rules is also very important.

Your chart is all connected to each other, think of it like trees! They’re all having a conversation with each other!

Your Nodal return happens every 19.5 years and it’s like a pit stop to see if you’re headed in the right direction

For example: Marliyn Monroe

Her Chart

1. NN Cancer

-cancer rules over women and she’s one of the most iconic women in history. Cancer also rules the home, our mother and private life. She always had issues with her mom and struggled to become one herself. She was still a powerful mother like figure because she use to spend hours hanging out with young children in orphanages. If she was still here today, the kids would probably nicknamed her “mother” lol

2. Cardinal

-cardinal sign and she’s possibly one of the first global women icons that’s still relevant today. Cardinals are ambitious and have lots of goals for themselves which she did

3. The 12h

-The 12h is the house of spirituality and creativity. It’s also the house that rules over movies which she is known for. The 12h rules over glamour and she was also a fashion icon! I told you before, 12h and Pisces natives gives off “Gods among us” energy. People will romanticize and project onto you. The 12h also rules over Scandals and her death has been topic for decades now especially when it came to uhh certain political figures at the time. Also drugs was a theme in her life as well which is very 12h.

4. Her NN ruling planet is the Moon which is in Aquarius

-the moon rules the public and emotions of the public. The moon is water energy which rules over reflection. Aquarius is the “people sign.”Aquarius rules over society and large groups of people. Everyone see something in themselves through her, it’s like she’s a reflection to society but Aquarius is considered the “ progressive or change” sign. She changed the game in a lot of ways. Remember when I told you she would visit orphanages? She would spend extra time with minorities because she knew they were the least to get adopted. She also supported black actresses, remember she was famous during Jim Crow era so this was a huge thing to do at that time.

5. The 7h

-one of the fame houses. It’s Libra energy so people found her charming and likable, 7h moons are just likable people, you feel like you can trust them with your darkest secrets. The 7h rules over partnership and I see Jupiter is closely conj in the same sign. Jupiter rules the husband and she’s was married a few times I believe. Famous marriages and divorces.

6. NN conj Pluto. Pluto rules the 8h which is in Pisces 8h with Mars and Uranus here

- Pluto was the planet she had to embody to help achieve her NN. Pluto is the planet death, rebirth, transformation and sex. Mars is also the planet of sex and being in the icon sign explains how she became a sex symbol. In order to achieve this icon title, she had to change herself. She changed her name from Norma to Marilyn and leave her brunette hair to become a blond bombshell, if this isn’t the most Uranus thing I’ve seen lol

Now folks, I’m not saying you will have a life like Marilyn Monroe especially if you have the same placement but I wanted to just use her as an example on how to break down your own chart.

What is your NN?

[mercurytrinemoon]

Break-ups and comebacks, jealousy and infidelity: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale synastry analysis

I was watching the livestream of No Doubt's Coachella set and reminiscing on the good ol times, thinking of the songs Gwen wrote about Gavin Rossdale and their on-and-off relationship and then the trainwreck marriage (spoiler alert: he cheated on her with their baby sitter) and of course, I had to look at their synastry. And let me tell you, it is something.

Let's look at Gavin's chart first and see what we're working with.

His chart is of a successful person first and foremost. A Scorpio stellium and rising gives allure and clout - paired with a Sun in a trine with exalted Jupiter in the 9th, that combination will sooner or later bring a lot of accomplishments. A flowing aspect like this brings optimism and lucky events in the person's life and the planet of grandiose and expansion in the house of achievements just strenghtens that. His ascendant ruler, Mars gives him some traits of brattiness, being in the loud and fiery Sagittarius. Right next to it is Venus - both yin and yang planets coming together endowed him with a huge charisma. The downfall is, that conjunction is closely squared by Uranus and Pluto, which can give not only sudden changes of the heart but also excessive secrecy, push-and-pull dynamic in relationships and someone who generally may like to play the field, especially given the mutable traits of Sagittarius. It is even more pronounced because Venus rules his 7th house of relationships.

His 5th house of romance and sex suffers as well, having both malefic Saturn and wounded Chiron in it. The ruler is that Jupiter in Cancer but its retrograde notion can bring some hiccups along the way.

Capricorn Moon in detriment may also carry some trauma surrounding parental figures that has a potential to repeat family mistakes and what google just told me is that his parents were married three times. Talk about troubled relationships.

But Moon in itself signifies women in his life, as well as his partner. The luminary is trined by that Uranus-Pluto conjunction, which definitely speaks of him having many admirers. This gives him even more charm. This is definitely a chart of a rebellious heartbreaker.

And then we have Gwen. Her chart is also very success-friendly with a Libra stellium in her 10th house of career and exalted Mars on the ascendant that blessed her with powerful personality that stands out. Capricorn ascendant brings slow rise to success but also hardships in life and its ruler, Saturn is retrograde in the 5th house (both of them have that placement in the 5th, which is interesting) - this makes her focused on creativity and her kids but the retrograde motion brought a lot of issues with her breaking through is her younger years. Mind you, No Doubt's real rise to fame happened during Gwen's Saturn return (and yes, that's where the album name "Return of Saturn" came from; also, side note, she learnt about it through Gavin himself).

Gwen has a lovely domicile Moon in her 7th house, which should bring prosperity in relationships - and we gotta admit all of her relationships were long-term. Unfortunately that Moon is tightly squared by Jupiter, which talks about possible naivety and legal issues - that can hint at things like divorces. Moon in a square with the Sun and Mars can also signify severing and distance from a male figure in your life, which can very much be a life partner. What isn't helpful is also fallen Venus in Virgo, which can bring a troubled love life.

Okay so let's get into the synastry

The first thing that comes forward is their Moons being opposite. Gavin's Moon is right on Gwen's ascendant, which probably made them gravitate to each other in the first place as Moon touching someone's ascendant can act like a glue. This also underlines his changeability towards her - the Moon comes and goes, it's moody. Of course, Moon oppositions can be lovely as they may compliment each other and probably at some points in their relationship it was like that. But these Moons don't have much of a support from other planets aside from her Moon trining his Saturn and Chiron, which can definitely act like a glue between two people and the need to build a life together. It's not really an affectionate aspect, but it's binding and full of care.

Now if you look at synastry, what you should pay attention to is recurring aspects. Because they have Moon oppositions and because Gwen has a natal Moon-Sun/Jupiter square, what that results in is that his Moon also squares her Sun-Jupiter conjunction. This just adds to the fuel and makes the negative aspect more potent as it's an aspect of a separation.

The other tight opposition we have here is his Sun with her Saturn. That is… not the best. And again, thse planets don't really receive any other strong flowing aspects. The Sun-Saturn opposition is extra tough because Saturn already has a distancing attitude towards everything. Put it against the Sun, that's two leadership-hungry planets having a constant fight. It also brings possible disappointments, resentment and cold treatment as well as suspiciousness on the side of the Saturn person.

I've mentioned Gwen having a square to Jupiter, which can bring legal issues. Here Gavin's Jupiter is tightly squaring Gwen's Mercury - this just reinforces that and also brings conflict between their worldviews, thinking patterns and day-to-day tasks. An aspect like this can make one of the pertners too permissive or full of neglect. Heated arguments or heavy debates can arise with it as well.

Aside from the mentioned Moon on the ascendant, a pretty cosy aspect, Mercury-Neptune can bring some dreaminess to the relationship as well. This is also a great thing to have as an artist as you can be each other's muses. On the flipside, whenever we search for deception, Neptune is where we point at. And conjunctions with a planet like this can go both ways. In this case, it's Gavin's Neptune that was pulling wool over her eyes.

And if we think of infidelity, we look at the 12th house because it rules all things hidden from us. In this case, they both have planets in each other's 12th houses. Gavin has his Venus and Mars in Gwen's 12th house - these two planets placed like this can definitely point to romance behind your back. And then her Libra stellium is in his 12th house, which can show neglect and not seeing her - especially her Sun, which, as a luminary, definitely wants to always be seen.

"The most gorgeously jealous kind of ex-girl"

I accidentally found a scan of an old article about the pair from 2002 where Gwen discusses how jealous she can get over Gavin. She justified it with the fact that he's a desirable frontman followed by a swarm of groupies. I mean, the assumption here might be reasonable but shouldn't be the case if your partner assures you of their loyalty by their actions and such. So, where do I sniff jealousy and the lack of trust?

First, we may go back to the 12th house overlays situation. Rossdale's Venus and Mars are both in her 12th house so she had a constant feeling of something happening behind her back and because of the nature of these planets, that something is related to other women and romance.

Gwen's Jupiter in a square to his Moon might bring a few things: being overly permissive ("somehow I'm full of forgiveness", as she sang in a No Doubt song), having issues just getting along sometimes, bad spending habits and, again, divorce and court disputes. And speaking of his Moon, it is not a tight conjunction but the luminary is very sensitive: Gwen's Mars touches it with a 7° orb. A Moon-Mars aspects in synastry, especially conjunctions can make Mars very protective but also very possessive over the Moon. Especially that her Mars makes natal squares to her planets, which makes it kinda competitive in nature. Gwen's Venus in a square to Gavin's Mars is a spicy, alluring aspect but it can definitely bring out some jealous feelings as well - more so from Mars' side but it can go both ways.

My favorite part: timing

The pair met for the first time in April of 1995 (might've been April 11th but I'm not sure) when transiting Jupiter was in the middle of Sagittarius. For Gavin it was directly touching his Venus and Mars, for Gwen - it was sextiling her natal Jupiter exact. Jupiter transits can definitely bring a new partner in a person's life, especially one that might be seen as a blessing or a lucky coincidence. They also usually point to long-term partnerships. Interestingly, the ascendant in their Davidson chart is right around the middle degrees of Sagittarius as well.

Spiler alert: Jupiter themes will show up again.

They married on September 14th 2002 with Moon conjunct Chiron in the sign of Capricorn as well as a tight Jupiter-Neptune opposition. The big benefic was transiting through the sign of Leo, making a trine to the Jupiter in Sagittarius that took place when they met and started dating: this means both of them received positive Jupiter transits around the wedding day but it also gives us a clue that Jupiter cycles play a huge role in their relationship (aka they had their relationship milestones when the planet was going through fire signs).

The couple fired for divorce in August of 2015. Now, if you've been paying attention and you know math, you'd know that this is not only a full Jupiter cycle gone but also… *drum roll* Venus retrograde period in Leo!

Their wedding lasted a whole Jupiter cycle, which is pretty common given Jupiter rules legal matters. And their Davidson chart? Has Jupiter in Leo. It was of course also marked by the Venus retrograde. To be more impactful, Stefani was going through a Venus-ruled profection year.

Transit-wise, Gavin was just at the tail end of Saturn transiting his 1st house, while for Gwen, it was a Saturn opposition.

During the divorce, as Jupiter was moving over Gwen's Venus, she started getting closer to Blake Sheldon and the couple began dating in November of the same year. They're now married.

[lacrimosathedark]

Hellaverse Aces Headcanons

We have THREE whole confirmed asexuals in the Hellaverse and one more kind of implied, so as an ace-spec person myself, I thought it'd be fun to do headcanons on where they stand.

Mammon

100% asexual, sex averse but not repulsed. Or rather, he isn't super bothered being exposed to it (especially if it's making him money) but he DOES NOT want to be involved. Like, he has those two Fizzie Bots to give off the appearance that he has bitches, but he has no bitches and I don't think he wants them.

Probably aromantic. He doesn't seem to understand love and certainly doesn't care for it. His first love is money and nothing will come between him and that bag. Also, man dresses like an aro flag on the daily.

The other three are much longer so under the cut we go!

Octavia Goetia

Mildly sex-repulsed asexual. She might be demi, but it's hard to say without her having many peers in the show thus far. But on the whole, she gives off totally ace vibes. I don't think she was just embarrassed by her dad's public flirting, but genuinely uncomfy with the subject matter. Blitzø's openness on the subject might be part of why she dislikes him so much.

It's hard to stay with her limited screen time, but I also think she's greyromantic. She doesn't seem to understand love. That is probably partly from how she was raised; her parents are far from a good model for a loving relationship. But she also just has disinterested vibes to me. It feels like she doesn't even really think about it.

She's made a connection with Loona, and it feels so solidly sisterly. I mean, it would be a little bit weird if it skewed romantic with the potential for being future step-siblings, but weirder things happen in HB. Via just seems to have a quick solid sisterly bond with her and it's adorable.

She puts a lot of value in platonic relationships. She is so deeply heartbroken by her parents divorce even if they hate each other because they're both good to her (or at least I presume Stella is usually good to Via or else she'd probably be less upset or upset about different things in the divorce). Her biggest fear is that Stolas will leave her behind.

We know Stolas loves her more than anything (heehee) and is just a bit too self-centered and wrapped in his own head to be as attentive to her as they'd like. And as upset as she gets with him, Via always forgives Stolas for being stupid. He means the world to her and vice versa.

If she were to ever get married, it would literally be her best friend and she would say that no one should expect an heir from her. I feel like she would be happiest with a queerplatonic partner who would cuddle her and maybe kiss her cheek and forehead, but nothing "more" than that so to speak.

Alastor

Honestly will admit that my perspective here may be tainted by my adoration of Radioapple.

Demi or greysexual, but basically 99% asexual. By which I mean it's more literally a one in a million chance that he'd find any interest in someone. His attraction is very particular. Like, never being attracted to anyone until meeting The One. (For clarity, I don't believe in fate and finding someone he's miraculously attracted to doesn't "fix" him so let's shut that shit down. You can be attracted to literally one person and if you feel no attraction for anyone else, that's still ace. It doesn't disqualify you from asexuality.)

Sex averse in general, and generally repulsed at the idea of self-involvement. Outside of That One Person, sex disgusts him, and even then it's still hit or miss whether he's into it or not. He's alright enough with it that he can casually walk the streets of Pentagram City unbothered, but he otherwise wouldn't willingly expose himself to it ex. being very notably absent on Show and Tell day.

It involves far too much physical contact for his liking, and being friends with someone like Mimzy in life, he likely has seen much of the darker side of it. I wouldn't be surprised if so-called predators were his prey in life.

Some people think of him as repulsed by the body fluid stuff (I certainly am) but I don't think that's a factor for him. Man eats demons whole. He gets everything that is inside them. Including their digestive systems. I don't think other body fluids are gonna be an issue lol

He knows sexual attraction could be used to manipulate someone, but he is disgusted by the concept, maybe because he saw that happen too much when he was alive, or he considers it pathetic, debasing yourself for someone else. Man also covers up from the neck down, he could have an issue being bare around someone else.

Homo-greyromantic. I can't imagine this man romantically attracted to a woman, if only because I feel like if he were, he would be married to Rosie by now because they seem like a perfect fit. If they were alive, they would be the type to be married for tax benefits (or the benefit of not having to testify against each other in court HA).

LOOK AT THEM. He's so comfy and genuinely happy with her it's so cute! He do a little squeak aaaaaa If Alastor understood the concept of asexuality he and Rosie would be qpps and you can never convince me otherwise. It is a hill I would die on.

And him only being attracted to men would make a lot of sense why he'd never found someone, because he has a general disdain for men that is actually pretty common in people attracted to men, women especially. Men are trash is his baseline, why would he give them a chance, especially in Hell where they're almost guaranteed to be awful? No thanks. Not worth it. He has better things to do. Like murder!

Plus, he's so fucking fruity sometimes lol

I mean, come on.

(also, sidenote, bitch GET YOUR SHOES OFF THE BED)

It also would make Radiostatic/silence more tragic imo. Like, maybe Alastor felt some kind of romantic about him, but Vox wanted something sexual too and Alastor just wasn't interested. Vox is a pretty sexual guy. If "dating" a pimp running a porn studio isn't enough, this is.

I'm so Velvette in this scene lol stfu Vox calm down

But if Vox wanted sex and Alastor flat-out rejected it, Vox might not have understood the complexities of Alastor's attraction and assumed he was lacking something, that Alastor didn't actually like him, and took it personally and lashed out.

We know Vox is obsessed with Alastor, and there's certainly mutual disdain, but isn't it more tragic if Alastor felt betrayed too? He lost a friend, or maybe something more intimate, all because said friend wanted to fuck him. That's so relatable tbh.

Striker

Yes I'm including him.

I'm gonna guess he's actually autosexual and otherwise sex-repulsed. Every time sex is brought up, he's visibly uncomfortable and even angry. That could be for any number of reasons, but I'm going with this lol. The only reason I'm not "sure" he's sex-repulsed ace is that fucking statue of his.

I mean, Stolas does comment about him wanting to suck his own dick sooooooo

But he does also use Blitzø's attraction against him, so not repulsed enough to not use others' attraction against them as a means to an end.

He doesn't give off aro vibes to me, but he could be maybe? To me he just feels like whatever drives him comes first. Whatever happened that made him hate royalty with such a passion supersedes anything else he might feel, and who needs attachments if he's just gonna lose them again?

Aces are shockingly well-fed in the Hellaverse huh? Especially considering our general absence anywhere else, and the crumbs we get are hugely stereotyped and wrong. Like, look at that, only one of them is heartless and none of them are passionless robots! And their sexuality isn't their defining personality trait, just some more color! Wow!

Mainstream media take fuckin notes.

[shmowder]

Not the same anon lol but tbh think the reason more people don’t talk about the fact Artemy was married before is probably because the dialogue is optional for that so its probably viewed as more like a players choice on character response then intended canon? That seems like a likely reason it’s not really discussed more which honestly it should let’s talk more about either divorced or windowed Artemy it’s an interesting concept!

But I do agree with the previous anon about drunk wedding with Artemy like the two are of are in Vegas,this is also something we should consider hell if one wants to loop back to the previously mentioned dialogue maybe the reader is the former spouse he mentions in that dialogue after all a marriage you start in a rush/drunken haze really has the potential to fizzle out quickly or alternatively there’s a situation where he brings reader to town with him and lies about their connection to another so people who are mad at him don’t go to take it out on his spouse instead

This just became me thinking about marrying mister Artemy Burakh….need a patho dating sim so I can romance that possibly divorced dad menkhu >:(

I don't get why he has to be drunk. Why do we need to remove his active consent from the situation? I don't like making characters do things they might regret in the morning while intoxicated. Sober Artemy would be as willing to propose to the reader as a wasted one.

Optional dialogue choices are still canon. People choosing not to count them is a personal preference.

Doesn't he start immediately calling Aglaya his wife once they're aboard that train?

Artemy Burakh is very easy to convince into marriage. You don't even need to do any convincing; the idea was his from the start, he wants to get married.

Doesn't he encourage Stakh to marry Lara? It's not a stretch to say he places great values on marriage, maybe idolises it a bit, which leads to him rushing into it.

He adopts Sticky and Murky by the end, Artemy wants to settle down and start a family, even though he is still in his 20s. Devotion, obligation, and family have always been his main motives, the same traits the bachelor claims Aglaya took advantage of in order to charm him into submission.

[zpiderwebs]

| That's great. | part I

"It's so depressing how the tear ducts in my eyes are so much wetter than the space between my thighs."

----

Peter b x fem! Reader

(Angst, fluff, tiny bit of smut! [Just a few details] 1st person POV)

----

Note: I rebranded and I'm starting off as a new account and under a new name :] pls read my linktree! :)

"Damn, you're really still waiting for that reply?"

"Of course I am. I just..God I don't even know anymore. It just feels like I need her more and more the more I think of her."

Ugh.. there it was again. That jealous feeling in my stomach.

"Well, if you're just going to be a sad bumb, then what the hell am I doing here? Just keeping you company while you cry your eyes out for her? Cmon Peter, it's been seven months. Don't you think it's time to back down?" I shrugged, setting my takeout container down as I crossed my arms.

I knew i shouldn't be acting like such a dick to him, especially when he badly needed the help. But seriously, it's been months since he divorced MJ! Why can't he just see she probably moved on? Why can't he see that I'm clearly here for him and he should also move on?

"Cmon Pete, just..give it up. It's for the best, right? You shouldn't be beating yourself so much over one woman. You know, there's other women who find you attractive too, not just MJ." I murmured, trying to hint him in a way. I wasn't sure how he'd feel. Hopefully, he wasn't as slow to figure this out.

"Mm. Maybe," Peter murmured, sighing as he set his phone down.

"Mm?"

"Maybe your right. I should try to..move on."

"That's great! See? It's not that hard, that's a great first step, pete."

Well shit, maybe I might get an actual chance-

"But I'm still not sure. I went through a lot with her, you know?"

Fuck. Nevermind.

"Well, no, not really. I wasn't the one married and going through everything with you." I huffed out, leaning back on the couch.

I wish I was. I wouldn't have divorced you over anything small. I would've loved you forever.

"You're right. You'd make a good wife, tho. You're very open-minded and understanding. I like that about you." Peter murmured, a small smile on his thin lips, his eyes crinkled. They were tired, but god, how good he made them look.

"Oh well..thank you. I appreciate your words. But hey, we still need to focus on helping you move on. Right?" I cooed. It was getting hard to keep up my non flustered face.

"Yeah, your right." Peter let out a chuckle. Sighing, he leaned back on the couch, placing a hand on my knee.

Please, keep it there.

"Hey,"

"Hm?"

"If your so eager on helping me move on why dont you.." his voice trailed off a bit.

"Why don't I..?"

"Hm.."

"Cmon, spit it out parker."

He let out a gentle sigh, his hand squeezing my knee a bit.

Fuck. Is he going to..

"Why don't you and I give it a try?"

Silence. Felt like the air was just punched out of me.

"..Huh?"

"Yeah. I mean..you and I have been very close and you've always been there for when I needed you. Maybe there's more that we haven't dug up."

"O-oh..maybe."

Is he being serious or is he just messing with me?

"So..what do you say? Should we give it a try?" Peter then turned to look at me with those same tired brown eyes.

God. He doesn't know how long I've been waiting for him to say these words.

"I'd love that."

"Me too."

Peter began to slowly lean in, brushing my hair behind my ear.

Fuckfuckfuck

I closed my eyes, waiting for him to do it first. And then I felt his thin lips on mine.

God..

My lips moved against his, my hands not knowing where to go. They simply rested on his knees. He softly groaned against my lips. I felt so weak. I never wanted this to end.

Sadly, it had to end since old man lungs who have smoked for a while now couldn't handle not containing oxygen for a long time.

"You really gotta cut out the cigarettes for now."

Peter chuckled. "Okay, fine. I'll do it if it means I get to kiss you longer."

I softly chuckle, flicking his nose. "Alright, don't be so cheesy now."

And we went back to kissing.

First couple of weeks went to months. They were good. Nothing too serious yet just..simple kisses, hand holding, hugging for long periods of time. I enjoyed it. Then..it began to get more serious.

He wanted me to move in with him, stay longer, and I wanted to, but I wasn't sure yet. He said it was okay. He began to..express more dreams and..a possible future together.

When he said those words of wanting to own a place just for the two of us, my heart soared. How did MJ let such an amazing chance like him go away? She could've just been more patient with him. How lucky am I?

"And, we could also have a balcony. Somewhere to sit outside and just feel the breeze." Peter murmured, holding my hand tightly in his as we laid there on his simple mattress that had grease stains, and the springs in it were very creaky with the simplest movements.

"Hm..that's great. I'd like that. Even tho, New York summers are brutal."

"We'll even get a little kiddie pool and just chill out there, huh? Maybe add in a few beers?"

I chuckled, squeezing his hand tighter. "I'd love that. If it's with you, of course."

Peter smiled, leaning into my neck and softly sighing, taking in my scent. I closed my eyes for a brief moment. Suddenly, I felt hot breathing against my neck and his lips grazing against my skin.

"Peter..?"

"Sorry I just..can't help myself. You smell so nice." Peter whispered, placing hot kisses on my neck. My body shivered and I felt goosebumps. My cheeks felt so warm

"Peter.." I softly murmured out.

"Please, just..one little bite."

"God..please do."

Then, his teeth gentle sunk into my flesh. Something definitely turned on inside of me that made me gasp out. He then moved away, sitting up. The mattress creaked again, annoyingly loud as he climbed on top of me, his hands on both sides of my head.

I met his eyes. They were saying the same thing I was thinking of. I watched his neck as he gulped. He was nervous.

"I need you."

His words sent a shiver down my spine. It felt so good to hear those words.

My hands tightened around the blanket underneath us.

"I need you too."

Slowly, we kissed, taking our time. One by one our clothes was off. I softly moaned as i felt his lips against my skin. I was on fire.

"Peter.." I gasped out. I couldn't say anything else but his name.

"Shh.." He softly whispered into my ear.

We took our time to get into it, and when he was finally inside, I was completely taken out of it, only focusing on the moment. The way he felt sliding in and out. The way he whined into my ear, saying how much he loved me and how good I was doing. I couldn't even form words. We fit so perfectly together.

I completely drowned out the loud annoying creaks of the old damn mattress because all I could hear was his pants and whines in my ear along with the sounds of his hands gently combing through my hair as he moved. My legs tightly around his waist. I never wanted this to end...

Well. That's what I wanted. Until..where Peter and I were just getting so serious, he dropped a bomb on me.

"She responded back..!" Peter called out as he looked at his phone. The message from MJ right in front of our eyes.

There it was again, that jealousy feeling in my stomach but now in my mouth.

"Oh..thats..great." I murmured, I gently laid down on the mattress as I watched him. "Do you want to take a nap?"

"Yeah, just a minute."

Just a minute? What..?! We're literally together, and he's really going to respond to his ex-wife after she ghosted him for months!?

"Peter, seriously?"

"Seriously what? Cmon, I'm just.." His voice trailed off a bit.

I looked at him before I scoffed and laid back down, closing my eyes. Why did I want to cry? Was I being selfish?

What happened to all those damn dreams? Our own place? The fucking kiddie pool and beers out on the balcony? This shit was too good to be true.

And it was sort of a surprise when a few days later I woke up to a text from Peter. He wasn't even in his apartment.

"What the fuck..?" I murmured, sitting up and rubbing my eyes awake. I read the message.

Fuck. The air was punched out of my lungs.

[necarion]

There are three major problems with "conversion therapy" (therapy intended to change sexual orientation) right now:

Its currently intended use is by religious people to make gay folks not-gay, and is done in a very coercive manner

It is akin to certain types of torture

It doesn't work.

Because of these things, actual research on conversion therapy is basically zero, and the idea is deeply poisonous. And this is very unfortunate, because if it worked, conversion therapy would be fantastically useful in a variety of situations that I think the LGBT community would be quite supportive of! (Caveat: this should be absolutely 100% forbidden for children, and under any sort of coercive situation. These must be entirely matters of informed coice.)

People whose spouse comes out as trans, and suddenly their spouse is a gender they are fundamentally not attracted to. Often, these couples have to divorce, which is unfortunate for everybody. If they could move between straight/gay (or bi), they could remain married to a person they love and support.

People who realized after a long and basically-happy marriage that they are gay, and converting to straight could save a long marriage.

Allo people married to an ace partner who want to become ace to make their partner happier

Ace people married to an allo partner who want to become allo to make their partner happier

Minor-attracted-people who desperately want to be not-that, for basically all the reasons

Gay/straight people who realize they've fallen in love with a partner they are not attracted to, and switching could make both of them really happy

People who think being Bi would be nice for their dating life.

People who have had a lot of failures in their dating life and decide they want to be ace

Religious figures who take vows of celibacy who would like to be ace to take away temptation

Astronauts, or other folks on long and dangerous journeys, who would rather be ace for a while.

People who have suffered major injuries (or whose partners have) and want to preserve a relationship, who would rather be ace.

Elderly people who would rather be attracted to people their own age for all sorts of reasons.

(If conversion therapy actually worked, you could probably use it for minor tweaks, such as making yourself more attracted to your spouse or partner. Many people have dated someone and gone "I really wish I were more attracted to this person". Some dating apps could conceivably be made totally blind and match 100% on personality.)

(If conversion therapy actually worked, it would probably be closely adjacent to libido-adjustments for people who have too much or too little for their, or their spouse's, comfort, are on certain medications, or have had hormonal changes in life.

And lastly, gay people who, for religious or family reasons want to be straight. (If conversion therapy actually worked, there would probably be a path for trans people to be not-trans, but I imagine the research would be more complicated.) This last one is hard to swallow because it's associated with views many of us disagree with, but I see no reason we could possibly ban it without stopping the others. If it makes people happier, then it's good even if their reasons are fucked up

If it worked, conversion therapy would be amazing for millions of people around the world, would save tons of otherwise happy marriages and relationships, and would help people who are unhappy with who they are. The ability to choose who you are attracted to (or to choose who you are not attracted to) is a matter of deep concern for almost all people. It would allow people to make choices I would rather they didn't for religious or social pressure reasons. But it also really does allow them to choose.

Which is why it really sucks that it has been made so completely poisonous that there is no legitimate research into it, and getting that funded would be almost impossible.

The ability to choose who you are attracted to would be one of the greatest psychological breakthroughs of all time.

[peace-love-and-french-toast]

A Quick(-ish) Word on Gabe Ugliano

BTW spoilers for the PJO books and the series. Tw for mentions of abuse and domestic violence.

We all hate Gabe.

This is something universally agreed upon.

He's a fundamentally bad person in both mediums: book and show.

HOWEVER, I personally believe that Gabe Ugliano in the show isn't being set up to be as much of a hated character. Of course he's still abusive and terrible. Sally Jackson should get a divorce and ditch him.

But I don't think this show is making him seem terrible enough to turn to stone (essentially a kind of murder). In the books, this is how Sally finally finds her agency, her way out from under the thumbs of the men who have been the center of her lives, from her ailing brother to Gabe.

In the show, this seems like too harsh a punishment. The show has a couple precious minutes to convince me that I detest Gabe. Of course, this is only the tip of the iceberg. But Show Gabe has to evoke the same feelings as me as Book Gabe did, which is even harder, because I'm not in Percy's head.

And there are a couple details either added in or removed by the show which could help cement this.

First off, in the books, we first meet Gabe as he plays poker, completely unashamed. He demands money from Percy and we're like, 'this is a bad dude'. In the show, he knows it's vaguely shameful that he's playing online poker, and he's not sniffing out money like a basset hound (another negative character trait only seen in the books).

Second, the Knicks games. I know, I know. This seems stupid. But Sally brings up a pastime that she and Gabe share enough to be considered a habit, and not because she's being coerced into doing it or whatever. Sally chooses, of her own free will, to spend time with Gabe. You get the feeling, in the books, she'd rather pack herself and Percy off to Pluto on a deserted spacecraft than stay one more second there, but she remains out of love for Percy. Now, I understand that being a victim of domestic violence is an extremely complicated, terrible situation that I can't even begin to fathom. But the thing is, in the books, Sally chooses to marry this terrible scum of a guy because he smells like any old terrible scum of a guy. His utter sliminess makes him the perfect cover for Percy's emerging power. She hates Gabe with a passion in the books. We get this feeling less in the movie.

And finally, "Don't scratch it up". This shows Gabe distrusts Percy and Sally and jumps to blame them, especially Percy, for anything wrong. he values material possessions over being kind to his wife and stepson. It also reasserts control over them, even when they aren't physically at home. It's his car. His control.

This whole post probably seems really nitpicky, but the thing is, this show has to be down-to-the-detail on Gabe. They only get 8 episodes to tell us the story, and very limited time spent on Gabe. They have to convince us all that he deserved to be turned to stone by Medusa. And that was a very powerful moment for Sally Jackson, and when both she and Percy realized that they could survive together. This show also has to convince new fans, who may never have even read the books, that Gabe's fate is completely deserved.

[thelordofgifs]

Obscure Tolkien Blorbo: Semifinal

Nerdanel vs Tar-Ancalimë

Nerdanel:

Nerdanel, called The Wise, was the wife of Fëanor, and known as a great sculptor. She refused to follow her family to Middle-earth in the revolt of the Noldor.

Best known as the woman who looked at the hot mess that is Fëanor, went “is anyone going to marry that?” and did not wait for an answer, Nerdanel is also so much more than just the beloved wife of Fëanor. Most notably, she is a sculptor (apparently a male-dominated field in Noldorin society) - her statues are so life-like that the friends of the depicted would go up and talk to them! She is also wise enough to land the epithet Istarnië, which means Wise One, and she is the only person Fëanor ever listened to, which borders miracle territory. Although when she married the pretty young crown prince of the Noldor, people said she was not good-looking enough for him, Fëanor begged to differ, as they had seven kids together, which is the largest amount of kids any Elven couple ever had. There must have been a lot of passion there (or maybe they just really wanted a daughter?). Although Nerdanel always seemed to have wise counsel for her husband, apparently she did not put up with his, as she was close friends with Indis, his stepmother he did not like. Unfortunately, their marital bliss did not last; when Fëanor pulled a sword on his half-brother Fingolfin (Indis's son) and was exiled, she did not come with him and instead stayed with Indis. This is often seen as her inventing divorce, although a more boring reading could simply suggest she disagreed and did not fancy accompanying him (LaCE does say Elven couples could keep separate households for extended periods of time). She also did not think about coming to Beleriand with him after he swore his terrible oath, although she did beg for him to leave her at least one of her kinslaying spawn sweet adorable baby boys (preferably the one she very ominously tried her hardest to name The Fated as a baby). I suppose the resulting, kind of permanent, separation, could definitely count as divorce.

she is a sculptor and an artisan so skilled that Feanor’s love for her competed with his own love of craft and creation. She raised seven sons and pleaded for their fates with Feanor because of how much she loved them and even though she loved him too, she stuck to her own beliefs and refused to leave Valinor….she’s so girlboss and she said you can go be a tragic archetype but our children don’t deserve that and also I will stay right here. We love a woman who refuses to give up her joys and her home even for a man she loves and ESPECIALLY since it was Feanor….the strength of her will is insane. I love her.

Tar-Ancalimë:

The first Ruling Queen of Númenor.

Ancalime the First Ruling Queen Of Numenor Herself!!! Let me tell you she is wonderful! She is savage! 'she did not refuse the Heirship, and determined that when her day came she would be a powerful Ruling Queen' a girlboss! I know people love making characters gay (it's me, i'm people) and Ancalime is a great case for lesbian/ace/aro headcanons (about marriage) ''We could', said Ancalime, 'if I had any mind to such a state. I could lay down my loyalty and be free. But if I were to do so, I should be free to wed whom I will; and that would be Uner (which is ''Noman''), whom I prefer above all others.'' She has gay vibes, take her and love her! Also she eventually gets married (either out of spite or to please the government) and her husband is just so rude to her so she kicks him out of his house because she's the Queen.

Propaganda for my girl Ancalimë, she must succeed. Technically Ancalimë is more obscure than most of the other characters here and she is such a wonderful character. This fandom says they like girlbosses, she is so girlboss, she's the First Ruling Queen. Plus she is politically savy - since she is called Tar-Ancalime that's probably not her original name, which means she could have named herself after the elven tree and not the other way around - that's one heck of a statement and more tree symbolism for her, tree lovers vote for her she is one of you.

Semifinals masterpost

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch, i realise that this is not an actual sex ed related question and I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds.

I'm sort of in a weird spot right now a la my sexuality and am trying to figure out if I actually want a relationship and if what I feel is romantic attraction or Friendship levelled up. I've known for a long time that I'm Demisexual or Ace, and I thought I knew that I still felt romantic attraction but now I'm less sure.

How did you come to realise that you were aromantic? In that discovery did you ever wonder if it was a sort of 'mental block' or something similar that would be better off working through? (I ask because I'm sort of stuck in that state of mind right now, and I'm just curious to see if it's a common experience or not)

I realise that this is a fairly sensitive topic, and I really don't mean offense by asking.

I also realise that no two people's experiences will be the same but I was interested in hearing about it from another person's perspective.

I hope you have a great day whether or not you give this ask the time of day.

I've asked you other things in the past and it's always been brilliantly helpful. Thanks a lot for everything you do.

hi anon,

no worries about overstepping boundaries :) this is a pretty reasonable thing to ask of someone, and I'm happy to talk about it!

there's a funny story that I tell about the moment I probably should have known, but didn't yet have the language. in sixth grade my class had an assignment that involved making a collage timeline of the rest of our lives (a proto-vision board of sorts) and I think I was the only kid in the class who didn't put getting married on my timeline. everyone else did, as far as I can remember, and most of them also included having kids. being a pedantic little fuck I pointed out to several of my friends that it was really unreasonable to assume they would find someone they liked enough to marry who liked them back, to which everyone told me (paraphrasing) to shut the fuck up and stop being a little bastard.

but it still seemed very strange to me, because even when I was very young - back when I barely had the language to conceptualize being gay, let alone aromantic - I never imagined my life with a romantic partner. romantic pairings were interesting in stories, sure, I ate that shit up from a very young age! the star-crossed lovers shit going on in American Dragon: Jake Long did a number on my developing brain, and my Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops got up to INSANE relationship drama, but for myself it never really felt, like, relevant? not unpleasant, just uninteresting.

but I still had crushes on people as I grew up, and more importantly I had crushes on people of various genders, so during my teen years I was WAY more preoccupied with repressing my burgeoning bisexuality than drawing any conclusions about my romantic orientation

spoilers: the bisexuality won.

in college I had a friend who identified as asexual at the time, who spent maybe a year trying to convince me that I was aromantic. and I didn't want to hear it! I don't know why, honestly; maybe some part of me, despite loving the community I had found coming into my queerness, was still subconsciously afraid of being too different and grappling with the consequences.

so instead I did this uuuuh real dirtbag thing where instead of just acknowledging to myself that I was pretty fundamentally uninterested in romantic relationships and that that's fine, I spent the first half of college leaning hard on self-deprecation to explain my single status. oh, me? why aren't I dating? well, I'd probably be a really bad partner. yeah, I suck. I mean, I'm so busy all the time! and I'm weird.

(at the time I know I definitely had friends who assumed I was Like That because my parents were divorced, which is hilarious old-fashioned and also categorically untrue. I was Like This way before my parents got divorced!)

it actually took a relationship ending pretty badly to make peace with the idea that maybe I didn't want a relationship at all. I won't get into the details on that, because it involves another person and we were both very young and accidentally hurt each other a lot in ways we didn't mean and I don't think anyone was the villain, but I don't want it to come across like I had one bad breakup and then swore off romance, a thing I'd previously been interested in, forever. it was more like I found myself in a really heightened situation - they really desperately needed a good and attentive romantic partner after getting out of a bad relationship, I wanted our friendship to stay exactly the same but with a sexual component - that made very, very obvious what I was actually looking for in non-platonic relationships. which was, I guess, actually pretty platonic relationships, but with genitals involved.

haha just kidding, I actually didn't get that part through my skull until I spent an entire summer crying constantly, dissociating frequently, and spending way too much time on BAD dates having even worse sex that made me feel gross! but we got there eventually.

that part probably isn't super relatable to you if you're somewhere in the ace realm, sorry about that.

anyway, once the dust settled and I felt halfway human again I was feeling vulnerable and open to change - finally willing to see myself in a new way and reckon with parts of myself that I hadn't been before. I remembered what my buddy had always said about me seeming Really Aromantic, and I let it settle on me. how would I feel, if I actually was aromantic? how would it change my life, how I thought about myself?

and if I can use a cliche with you? it felt like a weight rolling off my shoulders. I suddenly had a whole sturdy base to build a better understanding of myself on, an easy way to justify the way I lived that didn't require throwing myself under a bus.

thinking of myself through the lens of aromanticism felt like a huge, HUGE relief, and frankly I think that, more than anything, is the best way for anyone to decide if they should be applying any identity label to themselves. which brings us back to you! I actually don't believe in the model of sexuality and gender that posits a secret innate Right Answer buried in each person that they'll discover if the just find the right terminology. all of the words we use are the result of our time and place, right? people like us existed all through history with different words for themselves, and they'll exist way after us calling themselves things we can't imagine.

so basically: I came to realize I was aromantic because calling myself aromantic felt like loving myself, and if that's the case for you than I strongly recommend you do it, too.

happy pride xoxo