#but i refuse to believe everyone else struggles with studying at university this much. as much as i do.

[nikkashidashipper]

i am once again considering dropping out of uni

[thornedrose44]

Prompt: "Do it. Take a chance, I'm begging you. You don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been."

Read on AO3

“What is it?” Kara huffed out, her frustration finally reaching critical mass.

“What’s what?” Alex replied, playing dumb by pretending to study the DEO’s monitors far too intently considering Kara had literally just dispatched the rogue villain of the week.

Kara crossed her arms, hip cocked forward slightly as she leant against the central console, blue eyes observing her sister's profile closely.

“Whatever you’re not telling me because you think it will upset me.” The superhero clarified bluntly, her social hesitation and uncertainty having dampened over the last few years.

She had learnt the hard way how important it was to never shy away from the truth and avoid speaking around the heart of the matter. It was a lesson she had absorbed completely, and it was one she refused to forget - needing to prove she had evolved, had bettered herself from the version that had required teaching in the first place.

“I’m not…” Alex refuted, shrugging dismissively but keeping her gaze trained forward, “There’s no-“

“Look, I’m asking you out of courtesy,” Kara cut in, “but you and I both know that I could just as easily ask Nia, and she would fold almost instantly.”

Alex grumbled irritably under her breath - Nia still had yet to build an effective resistance to Kara’s puppy dog eyes and this particular weakness had caused no small amount of trouble for Alex over the last five years.

“It is Lena related, right?” Kara checked, though it was completely unnecessary.

For Alex to actively try and keep a secret from her, it couldn’t be about anything else. And it had been more or less confirmed by her sister's reaction to her threatening to go to Nia.

“Just because I’m keeping a secret, doesn’t automatically mean it’s to do with Lena.” Alex tried, though the conviction behind her statement was weaker than wet tissue paper.

The redhead side-eyed her and Kara merely had to arch an unimpressed eyebrow in return for the DEO director to deflate.

“Okay maybe it’s a little to do with Lena.” Alex admitted with a wince, rubbing the back of her neck in defeat.

Kara threw her hands up in exasperation. “It’s been over five years, okay? I’m fine!”

Her bellowed declaration of stability, made the nearby DEO agents look over with a mix of curiosity and concern. Kara grimaced at the reaction and as such didn’t resist when Alex grabbed her arm and dragged her out of the central room and into her private office.

Alex turned to face her fully, lips pressed tight together and hands firm on her own hips (it had always annoyed Kara that Alex managed to make her signature superhero pose far more intimidating than her own attempts).

“Yelling I’m fine, definitely helps your case.” Alex retorted, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Kara had the good grace to look suitably embarrassed for a moment before launching into the same variation of the speech she gave every time there was a morsel of Lena news to be had. “I screwed up, okay? Big time screwed up - ‘regret it for the rest of my life’ screwed up!” Kara declared prompting a beleaguered sigh from her sister who knew the blatant lie that was coming next. “But I’ve made my peace with it. I won’t spiral into another depressive episode when I hear how happy she is.”

Alex shook her head, not even remotely convinced - not that Kara could blame her, the last time Alex had been pestered into telling her a Lena update, Kara had spent a weekend on a drinking binge that had successfully proven that there were limits even for a kryptonian.

“I don’t think-“ Alex began.

“What is it?” Kara demanded. “Is she getting another medal from the president?”

Alex shook her head, jaw clenching and unclenching. “Kara, you don’t want to know this.”

“Her and Kal save the world again?” Kara barrelled on, her lips curling into a jealous snarl. “The greatest Luthor and Super duo continue to make the world a better place?”

That particular news article had been printed and burned by Kara’s heat vision more times than she dared admit to anyone.

“Kara, please-“ Alex begged, expression crumpling as Kara relentlessly pushed.

“Tell me, I can take it.” Kara proclaimed, voice coming out high pitched and strained. “Is she dating someone again? Another famous actress? That Olympic male gymnast? What-“

“She’s getting married.”

A bomb must have gone off, Kara thought to herself.

A kryptonite bomb.

It was the only thing that could explain the ringing in her ears, and the way everything just… hurt.

A shard of kryptonite must have pierced her chest and cut her heart into jagged pieces. That was the only thing that could explain it.

“What?” She questioned, barely above a whisper. She didn’t quite recognise her own voice - it sounded shattered and unfamiliar. She also didn’t know what she was asking.

Didn’t know what ‘what’ was all about.

What just happened?

What did you say?

What post-apocalyptic reality are we living in now?

“Next week, she’s getting married.” Alex explained, giving Kara answers she no longer wanted. “Sam, Ruby, Kal and Lois are invited.”

She knew it should sting. Not being invited even though they hadn’t spoken in nearly five years. That she should feel something about the fact that Lena had omitted Alex, Brainy, Nia and J’onn as well - it further reinforced how Lena believed them to be Kara’s friends and never hers (which was one of the things Kara regretted most - how her poor treatment of Lena had infected and destroyed everyone else’s friendship with the youngest Luthor).

“To who?” Kara asked, tone cold, hollow… empty.

“Kara,” Alex murmured softly, reaching out to comfort her sister, “this clearly isn’t good for you.”

Kara jerked backwards so fast that the papers on Alex’s desk shot into the air, fluttering down around the sisters like snow.

“Just tell me!” Kara ordered, hands turned into white knuckle fists at her sides that would be capable of tearing through the strongest of metals. Her eyes heated but she managed to stave the fire in them as she glowered at her sister.

Alex slumped back, leaning heavily against her desk, running a frantic hand through her short hair. “Does it matter?” Alex muttered defeatedly, brown eyes filled with pity and sympathy as she stared up into Kara’s eyes.

“Of course it fucking matters,” Kara snapped in outrage before she had a chance to stop and think , “because it’s not me!”

The admission hung heavy and rotting between them. It wasn’t a revelation to either of them, though the fact that the intensity of Kara’s feelings hadn’t dampened despite the separation of half a decade was.

“Kara…” Alex breathed, standing back up and moving towards the blonde with the obvious intent of hugging her.

“I should get back to CatCo.” Kara mumbled, cheeks a fiery red with shame. She stepped hurriedly away from her sister and was already halfway out the door before she halted, turning back to call out a sad yet sincere. “Thanks for telling me.”

Xxx

“I genuinely don’t get why you love these films so much.” Lena remarked, hands cupping her just made cup of cocoa, nose adorably scrunched up as she snuggled back down on the sofa beside Kara, who didn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around her best friend’s shoulders.

“They’re sweet and romantic.” Kara replied with a happy sigh, turning to nuzzle into the side of Lena’s head for a fleeting moment as the film’s lead started her joyful march down the aisle. “It makes me hopeful.”

“Hopeful?” Lena repeated curiously, leaning away slightly so she could meet Kara’s blue eyes.

Kara shrugged, ducking her head bashfully, “It’s stupid.”

“Hey,” Lena murmured gently, freeing a hand from her mug so that she could interlace her warmed fingers with Kara’s, “you could never be stupid, especially not about something like this.” Her best friend asserted, before asking seriously, “You want the classic big white wedding?”

“Uh…” Kara blushed, cheeks pinking as her mind struggled to kick into gear.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena that the reason she loved weddings more than any other event is because they so closely resembled Kryptonian Bonding ceremonies. That the exchanging of rings, polished everlasting metal, reminded her of wonderfully crafted bracelets clasped on wrists. That it was an occasion for family to join together across generations, for the rare flashes of art and music on Krypton to take centre stage over cold science.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena that after being alone, abandoned and lost - ripped away from her home in the cruelest of ways - that the idea of belonging to someone else, of having a home in someone else regardless of time or location was what Kara wanted more than anything else.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena because it would require admitting the truth of who she really was, it would require taking accountability for years of lies.

She didn’t know how to tell Lena without losing her forever.

“Yeah.” Kara coughed awkwardly, “I want the whole thing. Beautiful dress, surrounded by family… the love of my life at the end of the aisle. Everything.” She shot Lena a side-long glance, “I’m guessing you don’t?”

“Never really been my thing,” Lena admitted readily and Kara’s heart twisted at how Lena didn’t hesitate to bare herself, how she gave all of herself when it could be argued that Kara - at best - only gave half, “probably because I can’t imagine I have enough people in my life to invite and feel ‘surrounded’.” Lena pursed her lips thoughtfully, “I also don’t get the need for the spectacle. Just the idea that there’s someone out there that would want to…” Kara watched her best friend deflate, expression wistful and pained, “be with me, love me like that… that’s more than enough.”

Kara’s eyes stung with barely suppressed tears at how little Lena thought of herself. Whoever had the privilege of marrying her best friend would be the single luckiest and most fortunate person in the universe and Kara wished Lena knew that, wished she believed it. But when she opened her mouth to say it, to proclaim it, her breath faltered and her courage abandoned her… like it always did with the youngest Luthor.

“So no white dress?” Kara muttered instead, voice meek and lacking the lightheartedness that should have carried the question.

It didn’t matter, though, Lena let out a quick exhale that resembled something on the edge of laughter. Kara’s escalating heart rate settled at that, however, it did little to alleviate the pang of regret that was steadily accompanying all her interactions with the CEO.

“Well, I guess I could be convinced by someone special.” Lena teased, shooting Kara an overtly salacious wink that wouldn’t - on the surface - be considered genuine.

“Anyone that marries you will have to be special.” Kara replied, the statement tumbling out instantly.

It wasn’t the heartfelt confession that Kara wished it to be and it wasn’t quite light enough to be dismissed as a friendly reassurance. Instead, it was yet another thing that fell into the ethereal greyness that lied between them, something to tuck away and think back on late at night when they tried to work out if the other meant it the way they wished they did.

“Yeah?” Lena whispered, piercing green eyes studying Kara’s face closely.

Kara swallowed thickly, “Yeah.”

Xxx

Lena found out less than six weeks after that movie night. They defeated Lex and Kara had been on the edge of breathing easy, of being able to simply relax back into her life when it all came crashing down.

They had been at Games Night and Kara had been antsy, waiting for her best friend to arrive. The thought of pulling Lena into a hug had been what she had been looking forward to most all day.

Kara was at peace, laughing and drinking with her friends - her family - when Lena had arrived. Kara had beamed up at her immediately and for a second Lena’s entrancing green eyes lit up in return before turning dark and distant.

Kara’s smile faltered, crinkle appearing between her brows when-

The wine bottle smashed into the wall behind Kara’s head.

Deathly silence fell over the area.

Kara looked into hollow, emptied out versions of her favourite green. She would have preferred anger, fury, rage… the defeated nothingness staring back at the Kryptonian was far worse.

Lena turned and left, grinding Kara’s heart to dust and taking the sand particles left with her.

She knew.

She knew because Lex had told her.

She knew because she had gone to stop her brother, intent on saving the world like always only to find out that those she was saving the world for didn’t view her as their equal. That the people she treated as family had kept her on the outskirts. That her best friend had lied, had manipulated, had-

xxx

It was Lois that found out everything from Lena.

When the fallout had happened, as Kara and the Superfriends realised what they had lost, the blonde hero sent notice to her cousin that his identity was probably known as well (mostly because she remembered how hurt she had been when Kal shared her secret without her consent). Kal and Lois had arrived almost immediately, frantic and terrified (especially with baby Jon to consider) at the concept of a Luthor knowing their identity.

Kara, joined by all the Superfriends, quickly put their minds to rest, sharing Lena’s actions from before, her dependability, kindness and inherent goodness. Kal and Lois were convinced their secret was safe but they were horrified to hear how Lena had been isolated and kept at arms length after her considerable good deeds. Alex and the others had squirmed uncomfortably and tried to weakly talk around their hesitancy.

Kal and Lois had simply looked at Kara for an explanation but she had none. Yet again the words would not come.

It was Lois, therefore, that had sought out the youngest Luthor and through her incredible tenacity was able to gain access where everyone else was rebuffed and harshly rejected.

It was Lois that comforted Lena, gave her support and sympathy.

It was Lois that relayed Lena’s demand that they give her space.

It was Lois that suggested Lena return to Metropolis - presenting it as a way to celebrate how L-Corp, after Lena’s repeated sacrifices and heroism, was fully rehabilitated and ready to reclaim its once home.

It was Lois that encouraged Lena and Kal to work together becoming an unstoppable force that Kara and Lena had always danced on the precipice of.

A Luthor and a Super. Saving the world.

xxx

Kara did as asked. Gave Lena space. Or at least the semblance of space.

She checked in constantly, hovered nearby throughout the days and nights leading upto L-Corp’s departure and Lena along with it. She followed Lena’s jet to Metropolis, a sentinel ensuring safe passage.

She kept her distance for three months. Three months of stony silence before she broke.

Snapped, more like.

Landing on Lena’s new balcony in Metropolis that had been specially built for Superman this time - not for her, though Kara, at the time, had hoped that she had been considered consciously or unconsciously as well.

Kara couldn’t remember the exact words.

She remembered crying from beginning to end.

Remembered ‘I loved you’ - past tense.

Remembered finally breaking through Lena’s cold, hardened shell to the raw, bleeding wound hidden underneath and regretting it almost immediately.

Remembered how seeing Lena’s agony was worse than kryptonite, worse than watching Krypton burn…

Remembered Lena saying she needed time to heal, for Kara to stop hovering nearby - because she knew, she sensed Kara’s presence even without seeing her once - and to give her time to stop thinking of Kara and feeling only pain when she did so.

Remembered promising to do just that.

Remembered a timer starting to count in her head - the seconds that she would be condemned to purgatory.

Remembered the hope that just refused to go out - the hope that whispered give it time, give it time, give it time with every beat of her heart.

Remembered thinking that given enough time Lena would reach out and they would get the chance that Kara had almost destroyed for them.

Remembered flying zig-zagged and dangerous to Alex where her endless stream of tears returned to full flow as she sobbed into her sister’s shoulder using words and phrases like ‘heartbroken’ and ‘I love her’ and ‘I can’t survive this pain’ and ‘what do I do?’ and ‘I can’t breathe’.

Remembered a hollowed out shell of Kara Danvers moving through the motions for a year, for two, three, four… five...

Remembered taking up drinking to excess whenever she saw Lena’s life flourish and grow - not because she didn’t want Lena to be happy, that was what Kara wanted and wished for more than anything - because she wasn’t there with her for those life-changing events.

Remembered Alex and Kelly’s worries growing with each occurrence, intervening more and more to such a degree that they encouraged Kara to consider AA meetings - she did eventually, and found destroying entire junkyards to be a healthier coping mechanism, external destruction rather than internal.

Remembered Brainy at the behest of Alex, setting up Kara’s phone and computer to prevent searching for any keywords affiliated to Lena and to alert Alex if Kara ever managed to stumble upon a news article.

Remembered listening to Kal and Lois skipping large parts of stories where it was clear that Lena was involved - it was nice in some way to know Lena was getting the credit she deserved, but it hurt when Kal’s stories started to involve gaps at Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year (events that made Kara’s loneliness even more acute and her longing intensify).

Remembered her life without Lena.

Remembered regret and guilt and loss.

Remembered-

“She’s getting married.”

xxx

Kara shouldn’t have been there. Shouldn’t be anywhere in the vaguest vicinity of where she currently was.

The bride was dressed in a simple silky white shift, sipping intermittently from her champagne glass as she stared contemplatively up at the designer white dress hanging off the door in front of her. Raven locks were pinned up, so tight and intricate that it made Kara wince sympathetically at how it must tug and pinch at the bride’s scalp - she’d always preferred it down, loose and curling… soft and inviting. The bride’s make-up was artistic with a dramatic edge that would captivate but made her look… not like herself in Kara’s opinion.

Or maybe after five years it made Lena look more like herself - the version of herself she had become once free of Kara and all the pain she brought into her life.

She was hovering outside the dressing room window, trying to work out how far she was willing to take this. If it would be better to leave without saying anything, to try and leave some part of Lena’s life unspoiled.

It was the fear that she had always given into when she was best friends with Lena that made her decision for her. Like speaking her truth and learning to ask for what she wanted - Kara had also promised herself that she would never allow that bone deep fear to stop her ever again.

The window was open and it was as good an invite as Kara was ever going to get.

“Lena?”

The beautiful bride-to-be jerked in her place, champagne glass nearly tumbling to the floor but saved at the last second.

She didn’t turn around for a beat… then two…

Kara was just about to escape back through the window when Lena exhaled slowly and pivoted round to meet her.

“Kara?” Lena breathed out, green eyes closed off and wary.

The kryptonian studied the love of her life for a moment, taking in every little detail - soaking it all up as if accepting that this would be the last time she might ever get to see it again. That the timer that had counted past five years would stop after this moment, the hope powering it gone forever.

“Don’t marry them, please.” Kara requested, no flowery language, no build up. Just the honest truth.

“What?” Lena’s jaw dropped and the champagne glass didn’t survive the second shock, crashing to the ground - released by trembling fingers.

“Don’t marry them.” Kara repeated, uncaring of how the carpet below them soaked up the amber liquid.

Lena’s expression flitted through an array of emotions before settling on indignant rage, “And why the hell not?!”

Kara didn’t flinch, didn’t retreat, instead she stood taller, the crest of her super suit catching the early afternoon light. “Because it should have been me. It still should be me.”

Lena scoffed in disbelief, “You can’t be serious. Now? You’re doing this now?”

Kara pursed her lips, fighting back the regret that always came with the reminders of countless missed opportunities. “Yes.”

The straightforwardness of Kara’s answers seemed to be throwing Lena, leaving her wrong-footed, clearly expecting the blonde to talk around and hint and imply like she used to.

But Kara had learnt. (The lesson had been too painful not to.)

“You had years, Kara!” Lena argued, “Years where I…. I threw myself at you. Practically begged you to love me… to trust me…”

“I know.” Kara replied sadly, wanting desperately to reach out when Lena’s pretty green eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. “I know. But I’m here now.”

“I don’t want you to be.” Lena muttered, arms crossed over her chest and head ducked downwards to hide her expression.

“I know that too.” Kara assured, fingers twitching with the desire to make contact, to comfort and coax - even after all these years her body remembered, the pathways of hardwired instinct related to her best friend were still there, still active even if temporarily closed for service.

“Then why are you here?” Lena murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Lena’s head snapped up at that, green eyes like saucers.

Kara’s single biggest regret was that she had never said those words to Lena before, had alluded and pointed at them during their final interaction but had never outright said them. And Lena had deserved to hear them then and deserved to hear them now to forever vanquish the doubts that had always been with her.

“Because I’m in love with you and we didn’t get our chance.” Kara affirmed, taking a half step closer to the bride, her red heeled boots and Lena’s bare feet meaning the younger woman had to tip her head ever so slightly back to maintain eye contact. “We didn’t get our chance because of me. Because I was afraid, I was so afraid of losing you. Of doing even the slightest thing that could mean you weren’t in my life. And in the end every action I took out of fear of losing you ensured just that. I’ve spent five years without you, Lena, and I can’t bear a single day more.”

“Kara,” Lena whispered, “I’m getting married.”

“I know.” Kara smiled sadly before adding, “Don’t.”

“What are you suggesting? Seriously?” Lena sighed, shaking her head mournfully and Kara knew she was losing her then.

“I’m suggesting that we have our chance now before it's gone forever.”

Gathering the small amount of courage Kara had left, she tentatively let her hands nudge forwards, brushing against Lena’s cool, pale fingers. That small contact was everything. Made it easier to breathe, made the colours of the world more vibrant, made everything just more.

“I let fear hold me back from the person that made me happiest in the entire universe and I won’t let it hold me back again.”

“Kara…” Lena whimpered, glancing back over her shoulder at the closed door that her wedding dress was displayed on, though she didn’t pull her hand away from Kara’s touch, didn’t flinch or retreat.

“Do it.” Kara pleaded, stepping across that final slither of distance between them, her forehead leaning forward to rest gently against the side of Lena’s, “Take a chance, I’m begging you. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.”

Lena inhaled shakily, head returning to forward facing - foreheads pressed against one another, breathing in the same air - and then… and then…

Lena’s hands slipped fully into Kara’s, fingers intertwining together.

[papergirllife]

First Love

Lucas Wong / Yukhei

"They say first love is a special experience that one would always hold a special place in your heart. Wong Yukhei was your first love in high school, but along the way, you had to say goodbye to him in order for him to achieve his dream of becoming a star in Korea. Yet fate and destiny plays its role in paving the two of you an intersection once more, will the two of you and up together at the very end?"

Warnings : smut, unprotected sex, mild angst, a child (pregnancy not described), tooth rotting fluff (all in that order, kinda)

A/N : this is one of my most heavily devoted works I've ever written, so please, of you're comfortable, drop a feedback to tell me if you guys like this writing style, thank you!

Lucas Wong of NCT and most importantly his own fixed unit, Wayv, the man who garners attention and love wherever he goes, that dazzling smile is sure to be captured by numerous cameras of awaiting fans.

But to you, Lucas was never Lucas, to you he was Yukhei, and more significantly, your ex from high school. Yukhei was your first love, you remember when the two of you had first met in Year 9, Yukhei was known for being a class clown and more of a klutz, girls would always have a soft spot for him even if they didn't like him in that way.

Yukhei was your desk mate for Year 10, the thing got you on your nerves about him was that he never took group assignments seriously, and was never at school on time, his uniform was wrinkly from rushing out of his house to catch the bus and always had a stationary missing, which means he had to borrow yours.

You never hated him, hate is a strong word, things were very neutral with him, most times, he unintentionally annoys you, but he'd always make up to you by bringing you a small bottle of apple juice the next day. The only time the two of you really fought was when he had not spoken up when his friends snatched your book away from yours to copy you off, brushing it off as a small matter.

You were quite an immature person back then, and no one can blame you, you were just a teenager, and being said that, you had refused to lend Yukhei a ruler when the math teacher did a pop quiz, so he had to use the dust pan as no one, other than you that is, brings an extra ruler.

It's not your fault, you thought back then, he shouldn't have depended on you to bring his share of stationaries. The next day, you walked into class to see his group of friends waiting at your desk to apologize to you, and as for Yukhei, he had yet again brought you a bottle of apple juice, with the addition of your favourite bar of Cadbury.

It was only in Year 11 when Yukhei had confessed to you, saying that all those annoying things he did to you were just to catch your attention, of all the girls he could've liked, he chose the one who was the most unattainable, go figure.

The next year, when the two of you were looking to apply to the same college, Yukhei broke the news to you that he'd be packing his bags for Korea, that the audition he had joined just for fun accepted him as a trainee in a large entertainment company in Korea that everyone in Hong Kong knows, SM.

At first you didn't approve of his decision, that his education was important as well, that he had a life here, with you. But Yukhei had given very valid reasons to you, that he wouldn't have passed the college entrance exams if it weren't for your tuitions until late at night in the public library, that he didn't really have an interest in studying. His most valid reason was that he didn't want to take a toll on you when you’re in college, he can't have you sacrifice your sleep and attention for him just to have him attain passing grades.

So you let him go, saying your last farewell to him at the airport as his girlfriend and ex girlfriend.

That was the last time you saw him, choosing to not stay in contact with him as you poured your soul into university life, studying like your life depends on it, you had a few boyfriends here and there, nothing serious, nothing that made you felt like your first love. Maybe you had trouble moving on, or maybe it was just stress, you thought back then, shrugging the thought off casually before diverting your attention else where, this cycle carried on until you came out to work.

Fast forwarding to March of 2019, you had unintentionally came across of a news online that Yukhei had finally been placed in his own fixed unit that would be promoting and performing in Chinese, which isn’t surprising, even the Thai member, Ten, was of Chinese heritage. What made your eyes widen was the fact that they were coming to Hong Kong.

At the day of the fan meet, you had took the day off from your boring low paying job at the law firm, so much for studying your ass off for bar exams, you’re just filing on a daily basis.

Before the day of the fan meet, you had lived off of instant cup noodles for a few weeks just to buy the album and their light stick. When you first listened to the album, you were proud of Yukhei’s rapping skills, you still recall the days when he’d struggle with his mandarin oral tests, the teachers there must be much better than you for him to improve so much, smiling fondly at the old memories.

You waved the light stick and sang along just like the other fans beside you, mesmerised by the performance that the boys are putting up, but your eyes were mostly on Yukhei, you would’ve never thought the once clumsy giant like him would dance as fluidly, executing the moves just as well as the other smaller sized members.

You watch as Yukhei introduces himself and his non Cantonese members in his mother tongue, a feeling of familiarity settling into your mind.

You are quite a confident person, but queuing up to the long table where Yukhei sat at the corner was nerve wrecking to you, what would he say to you? Would he recognise you? It hasn't been that long, but the two of you had done some changes to your looks.

The other members had greeted you with a friendly smile and a few casual questions like have you eaten, but they seem a bit taken aback by the lack of fan girl attitude that most of the fans in front of you had.

When you had got to Yukhei, he had dropped his marker on the floor, his head ducked out of sight to retrieve it, but when he came up to apologise, the words were stuck in his throat, as his eyes opened as wide as saucers. He coughed to mask the surprise on his face.

“Hi, how are you?” He asked as he took your album into his hands, scribbling something down.

“Good, how have you been?” although his hair is coloured, his eyes had contacts, and he wasn't in his messy uniform, the smile on his face never changed.

“Great, it's nice to see you,” to other fans and the staff beside him, they might think it's just one of the standard answers, but you knew Yukhei like the back of your hand, registering the twinkle in his eyes.

Soon, he had placed the album back into your hands, your fingers grazing gently as tiny sparks flew up your tips, eyes never breaking contact until the staff tells you to leave.

When you had sat down at a nearby cafe to get a cup of coffee, you took out your album and flipped to the page where Lucas had written something.

‘Hilton hotel, 9pm,' and his number under it.

At nine sharp, you waited by the hotel’s sitting area, not many people at that time as usually stores in Hong Kong open rather late, patiently you waited for Yukhei. Just as you were scrolling through posts on Instagram, a tall figure approached you.

A call of your name rolled off his tongue naturally, a wave of nostalgia hitting the both of you.

“I bought you a little something before I got here,” you said as you stood up, letting him guide you to the elevators.

“What is it?” Yukhei lets out a flustered laugh, scratching the back of his nape when he realised he didn't get you anything in return.

“Roast goose and Cha Siew, are they still your favourite?” you asked, hoping his taste hasn’t changed over the years.

“Yeah, man, I remember how we'd always get quarter of both after school at Uncle Chan’s,” Yukhei said, remembering how the boss of the restaurant had hung a photo of two of you on the wall, deeming the two of you his most loyal lovebirds.

“This is from Uncle Chan’s,” you told him as you followed him into his room, looking around, expecting him to be rooming with someone.

“Don't worry, I told Yang Yang to sleep with Ten for the night,” Yukhei said when he saw you looking for someone.

“Oh, that's really nice of him,” you said as you set out the food, the smell of Hong Kong's famous delicacies wafting in the air.

“Man, I really missed this,” Yukhei said as he pulls the arm chair that was a few feet away close to the desk, directing you into it and situating himself in the not so comfortable wooden chair.

“I missed this too,” you said mindlessly, eyes avoiding his before you ate a piece of meat.

“I missed you too,” Lucas confessed, yes there are many pretty girls in his industry, and Korea itself, but no one would be able to replace you, you were his rock all his life, other than his family of course, it's hard to build a connection with someone just as strong when things between the two of you never really ended, in a way.

Leaving on too good terms and without much closure for both of you kept one another thinking of each other. The two of you know, that after tonight, things would go back to normal, Yukhei would be Wayv’s Lucas, and you’d remain as his past, there would never be an outcome from whatever happens tonight.

So when the two of you were recalling memories and troubles the two of you got in school on the oh so comfortable bed, you couldn't help it, hooking a leg over Yukhei’s waist, just like how it started at the night of the graduation party, the night where the two of you lost your virginities to each other.

“I’d be gone tomorrow, we shouldn’t, I shouldn't do this to you,” Yukhei said, a firm believer that it's always the girl that is on the losing side, like he's taking an advantage of you, ever the gentleman.

“I want this for myself, Yukhei, it's not like it's our first time,” you said, trying to convince him.

“I still feel guilty about our first time, I left a few months later after that night, and tomorrow would be the same, I'll be leaving you once more,” Yukhei said as his big hands caressed your cheeks, eyes wide like a puppy, pupils reflecting an image of you, a perfect representation of his universe, you.

“I don't care, I’ve moved on from you as your girlfriend all those years ago, moving on from you after tonight won't be a challenge for me,” you said in a firm tone, one that Yukhei knows all too well, he knows you won't give up when you sound like this.

He could possibly break two hearts if he chooses to act on his impulses, but he missed this, he missed you, and so he threw all caution out of the window when he smashed his lips desperately against yours, chewing on your bottom lip with little force, it was something that would easily get you worked up back then, and to his delight, it still worked, letting him dominate the kiss easily, he let his tongue slid in your mouth, tasting the beer the two of you had just now with a mixture of strawberry lip gloss, you were still using the Nivea one you used all those years ago, this only fuelled his desire for you, his hands leaving your cheeks to locate your waist, pulling you closer to him.

When you were out of air, you broke off the kiss, reaching the hem of your shirt to pull it off, then waiting a few seconds for Yukhei to admire the red lace on your skin before unclasping your bra, letting your blossoms free, all the while as Yukhei looks on, like he was in a trance.

“I missed these,” he commented before taking a mound into his mouth, sucking on your nipple diligently while his other hand comes up to roll it in between the pads of his fingers, the pleasure from the action making you throw your head back, a slip of his name in between your whimpers.

You let Yukhei push you back, letting you fall onto his bed, you felt his hands wander up your skirt, his huge hands around your thighs, squeezing the flesh in his palms, feeling you, but stopped when he reached the hem of your panties, detaching himself from your chest, looking at you for confirmation.

You nodded at him, putting your hand over his to guide him higher, stopping at the curve of your cheek, pushing his hand beneath the clothe, dangerously close to your core, heck he could even feel your arousal already, eyes rolling back at the thought of getting you so worked up.

“Take it off, but you can leave the skirt, for old time’s sake,” you said.

Yukhei looked at you, confused at what you’re trying to say, until he realised you were wearing a pleated checkered skirt, just like the ones you wore back in high school, memories of the two of you sneaking around, having a quickie with your skirt flipped up immediately made blood rush southwards at the thought.

“Fuck, you expected this to happen?” Yukhei asked, shaking his head in disbelief, he was always the troublemaker at school, but oh how the tables have turned now.

“Didn't you?” you asked before getting up to put yourself in a doggy position, shaking your butt, taunting him.

Yukhei chuckled to himself before doing as you say, taking off your panties to reveal your slick covered pussy, dripping wet for him on display.

Yukhei spreads you open by pulling your cheeks apart to lick a stripe up your slit, making you shudder at the warm muscle that was intruding but very much welcomed.

Yukhei allowed himself to fully stuff his face there, inserting his tongue into your core, thrusting the wet muscle at a moderate pace before adding a finger to the mix, then two, stretching you open to let his tongue delve deeper inside, he then adds a third finger, the fullness finally hitting you, soon he did a come hither movement once he had located your sweet spot, his tongue and fingers rubbing against the roof of your walls deliciously, you would’ve lost your balance if it weren't for his hand supporting you by your left hip.

The constant pleasure that Yukhei so willingly inflicted upon you would've soon come to an euphoric end if he hadn’t halted all movement, pulling out his tongue and his fingers, which made you whine his name pathetically, something you wouldn't have done if it weren't for the fact that your mind was reduced to a ball full of cotton.

“Chill, I worked you up so I wouldn't hurt you with my dick,” Yukhei said as he positions himself at your entrance, his hand coming up to your face to tilt your head to his direction, zeroing on your lust filled eyes and the plump of your lips, swollen because of him.

“Are you sure you want this?” Yukhei asks you one last time.

“Yes, please,” you said, pushing yourself back to lightly grind on his length, a little bit of your arousal getting onto his cock, his dick getting so hard it's starting to hurt.

“Ever so eager, aren't you?” Lucas said before biting his lip at the sight.

“Just put it in!” you whined, tired of his teasing.

“Okay, okay,” Yukhei said before bracing himself for your tight walls, he's never nervous when it comes to others, but you? You always held a special place in his heart.

Yukhei spreads your cheeks once more before aligning himself to slip in an inch, eyebrows furrowing at how tight you were, he could tell you were clenching up, just like you did the first time when you were nervous.

So he bends down to your back, placing gentle kisses along your right shoulder blade.

“Don’t tense up, there’s nothing to be nervous about, we did this before remember?” Yukhei said in his most gentle tone ever, you nodded your head at his words, adjusting yourself to let yourself lose in the comfort of his touch, reminding yourself that although it's been a long time since you had someone as big as him, you’ll be fine in his hands.

Once Yukhei felt yourself unclench, he pushes in furthermore, you felt yourself arching your back to allow him to fit himself easier, before he comes to a halt, you felt so full, you haven't felt this way in such a long time, it was somewhat overwhelming, but it's the most complete feeling ever, a feeling you've never felt with any other.

The initial stretch was slightly painful of course, but the pain soon turned into pleasure, and being the gentleman Yukhei is, waited for you despite the huge urge to move, waiting for your green light.

When you told him he could move, he felt like the gates of heaven just opened, pulling out slightly to give you a shallow thrust, just to test the waters.

Even with that experimental thrust, you felt like you had a taste of heaven, eager to drown yourself in this new found pleasure that you were once so familiar with.

Yukhei grasped his large hands onto your hips, setting a moderate pace, still restraining himself from snapping his hips, but from how much slick you were dripping, soon you'd be begging for more.

Once you felt yourself familiarise with his big cock, the pace that Yukhei had set wasn’t enough, you wanted him to let loose, you wanted him to rail you, be damned if you can’t walk tomorrow.

So in the midst of all the pleasure, you let out two desperate words breathlessly, “ruin me”.

Yukhei had to do a double take, pausing his movements entirely just to check if that was his mind messing with him or it was really you, but one look at your desperate face, revealed to him that was in fact your words.

Yukhei allowed the animalistic side of him to take over, holding onto your hips that would sure leave bruises the next day, but you didn’t mind, not when you felt a sudden surge of pleasure coursing through your body. He angled your body higher, arching your back for easier access, thrusting harder and faster.

You could only submit yourself to him as your toes curled and your fingers dig into the linen sheets, you’re sure if his members were next door, they'd be able to hear every single sound you make, the sound of your ass cheeks clapping against Yukhei’s hips and your high pitched moans were flowing freely, but you didn't care, not when this could be the last time you'd ever be with Yukhei.

Soon, you could feel yourself getting closer to the edge, your legs were trying their best not to fail you, and you could tell your arms were getting sore from propping yourself up as the cord in your abdomen threatened to snap, you panted out the word ‘close’, and Yukhei immediately understood, fucking into you at an inhuman pace, you could feel yourself losing your mind as spit drips from your mouth, sanity slowly slipping away from you as you felt your impending orgasm, it started from the tip of your toes, your body convulsing as you screamed his name, succumbing into the pleasure, your core bursting, the strongest orgasm you've ever felt, making your whole body sag in defeat as you let Yukhei help you ride out your orgasm.

Just when you thought it was all over, Yukhei gently flipped you over, and that’s when you realised he hasn’t cum, so you lifted your legs higher to let him enter you once again, he was using you like his personal doll, and you love it a little bit too much to be considered normal, you struggled to keep your eyes open as you fought through the slight pain from the overstimulation, hearing Yukhei’s mumble of appreciation and endearments.

“Can you give me one more, babe? Just one more,” Yukhei said before circling his fingers around your clit, making your eyes snap open when you realise he wants you to cum once more, your hands coming up to push his hand away, but his other hand grasped onto yours.

“Just one more, please,” Yukhei begged with those puppy eyes of his, and how could you say no?

So you stopped struggling, nodding your head at his request before he quickens the pace of his hips and the ministrations on your clit.

Soon, you could feel Yukhei’s cock swelling inside you before he let out a groan of your name, thrusting in one last hard thrust before he painted your walls white, his lips capturing yours to silent you as you came once more, your nails digging into his shoulders, your eyes fluttering shut as you felt Yukhei ride out both your highs.

Once he was done, Yukhei crashed onto the bed beside you, his arms wrapping around yours, kissing your lips to distract you as he pulled out, hopping into the attached bathroom to bring out two towels, taking off your skirt before he gently cleans you up, when he was done he wiped the juices you left on him, your eyes growing big when you knew it was from when you squirted on him.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise I squirted,” you mumbled behind the hands that you had covering your embarrassed face.

Yukhei laughed at the cute sight, throwing the towel aside before climbing into bed again, removing your hands away from your face, kissing you deeply before looking at you in the eye.

“I loved it,” he said before pulling you closer, and almost instantly, you were lulled to sleep by the beating of his heart.

When you woke up, Yukhei was still snoring beside you, sleeping like a baby, you gently removed his hand from your waist, stepping out of the bed before gathering your clothes, putting them on, smoothing out the creases of your skirt.

Walking to the door, you glanced around once more at the sight of him, your heavy heart begging you to stay, to talk, and so you walked over to the night stand, ripping a piece of paper of the note pad and grabbing the pen next to it.

‘Goodbye and thank you for everything.’

You placed the piece of paper beside him on his pillow before kissing his forehead as a parting gift, closing the door as softly as you could when you left.

You knew this was the right thing to do, you made this decision once when he left for Korea the first time, you can't be in his way this time around, not when he's this far into his career, you can’t be selfish, he belongs on this path, he deserves it and you’re not going to take it away from him, you've stood on the side-lines all this time, he shed the limelight on you for one night, and that's all you should have, he's better off without you.

Yukhei felt himself grow cold when he couldn't feel the warmth of your body, jerking up to check if you were in the bathroom, only to find the door wide open, the room empty.

That's when he had spotted the piece of paper with your goodbye message, his heart clenching in pain, crashing onto the bed once more.

He didn't know what to expect, you had sent him off once, and now you left him without saying goodbye. He thought he could at least say goodbye.

Pushing his thoughts away, he gathered his things, packing up to leave for Korea.

His members could tell something was terribly off, they thought he was just in it for a casual hook up, but his expression tells otherwise.

The usual cheerful Yukhei was nowhere to be found, which meant Yang Yang and Hendery had to keep the mood light throughout the journey home, everyone knew to not say anything, only speaking when crucial.

It took Yukhei quite a while for him to get back to his goofy self, but even then, Kun, being the most observant one, saw a tightness in his smile, a faraway look in his eyes, whoever he had seen that night must've meant a lot to him, but he dare not to press, he knows Yukhei would open up when he's ready.

It was a normal Tuesday night when he had received a request to face time from you, without thinking much of it, excited to hear from you, he accepted, your beautiful face coming into view as he got comfortable on his bed.

“Hey, this is unexpected,” Yukhei said, not knowing what else to say.

“Yukhei, there’s something I need to tell you,” you said, eyes avoiding his.

“Yeah, what's up?” he asked, rubbing his nape, a habit he does whenever he's nervous.

“I'm um, I’m pregnant,” you said, choosing to not beat around the bush.

You could see Yukhei's face pale when he processed your words. Is it his? It's definitely his, it's almost a month since the two of you slept together, unless you slept with someone else?

“It's mine?” a dumb question, but he needs to know for sure.

“Yeah,” you said before the two of you come to a piercing silence.

“You could get an abortion, maybe?” Yukhei suggested after contemplating in his head, there’s no way he could be in the child’s life, and that's the best option for your sake, raising a child in Hong Kong is the most expensive thing to do, equivalent to buying a house there.

“I decided to keep it, Yukhei,” you said, glancing up to see the disbelief on his face.

“You can’t, you know I can't be there for you and you’re still so new in your job, you can't risk your life for this!” Yukhei said, not comprehending on why you'd do this to yourself.

“I already decided, Yukhei, and I don't expect you to take responsibility, this is my choice,” you said as tears threatened to flow.

“That isn't fair, it's not fair for the child! A child needs its father! You don't know what you're doing! Being a single mum is next to impossible in Hong Kong! You're putting the child in a horrible situation just for your selfishness!” Yukhei said before pushing his hair back, the feeling of an impending headache forming.

“How dare you say that?! I’ll raise this child perfectly on my own, I was just calling you to inform you of it, but since you don't want anything to do with it or me, I guess this is goodbye and don't call me anymore, I won't change my mind,” you said before your face disappeared from his phone screen.

Yukhei tried calling you immediately after, a day later, several weeks later, but you never picked up. Then he started stressing about his career, what would happen if someone were to find out? But he knows you as a person, and being a tell-tale is not one of your characteristics, yeah, he can just act like nothing happened, like he had never received this call.

He knows he's running away from his problems, but what other choice does he have?

Fast forwarding to July of 2021, Yukhei is home after his filming of the popular Chinese reality show in China, Keep Running, he feels at ease when he sees his family, finally reuniting with them, but only for a short two weeks time, before he has to leave for Korea once more.

It was a Friday night when his friends from home took him out for a drink, he was not so familiar with the clubbing scene in Hong Kong, but with the knowledge he has of this area, he knows many rich and young people often here, just like the girl kissing up his neck now, her soft hands running up the expanse of his thigh, getting dangerously close to where he wants her to be.

Yet Yukhei doesn’t remember her name, was it Candy? Apple? Some sort of name that had to do with food, he just remembered that she told him that she was an up and coming model, or trying to be anyways.

Just as she suggested to go to some hotel, Yukhei suggested for a quickie in the bathroom first, and so here he is now, being pushed to the door of a stall, her hands trying to unbuckle his belt.

Yukhei reached the back of his pocket for his wallet, opening it, looking for the condom he had placed there, but cursed when he realised he must've dropped it when he paid for drinks.

He told her to go back out and wait for him to get some, leaving the club and the musky smoke filled place behind him, the summer breeze blowing his hair all over, he brings the hood of his jacket up as he scans for a nearby convenience store, locating one at the street across.

When he got in, the scent of curry immediately greeted him, it was your favourite food, everyday after school, no doubt you'll drag him into one of these shops, just to share a bowl of curry fish balls, one of the most famous snacks here in Hong Kong.

He pushed the thought away, trudging to the aisle that was on the most right, where the condoms were at, hidden away from children. He took a box and made his way to the counter, opening his wallet to take out a few notes.

The cashier turned her back from stocking the cigarette shelf, scanning the box wordlessly.

“That would be 30,” she said when she looked up, but her hand immediately dropped the box when she saw who it was, and that's when Yukhei truly opened his eyes to see who it was, at first he was just miffed not knowing why the cashier froze, then he sees you, in the worn out 7 Eleven uniform, was you, the last person he’d be expecting.

“Why are you here? What happened to your job at the law firm? Why...” Yukhei didn't know how to ask, he didn't know if he deserved the right to ask, yet there's so many questions he had swarming in his head. Where is his child? Did you abort it in the end? Did you give it up for adoption? Were you fired from your job because of it?

“It's my shift right now, and you seem to be getting lucky tonight,” you said stiffly, holding up the box for him to see, sliding it across the counter

“It's for my friend actually,” Yukhei said, eyes avoiding yours, but immediately looking at you straight in the eyes, remembering how you use to be able to see right through him whenever he didn't do the revision work you've given him.

“Right,” you said, resisting to roll your eyes.

“You haven't answered me, why are you working here instead of the law firm?” Yukhei pressed.

You sigh at his persistence, not knowing what to say to humour him, so you didn't say anything, getting back to rearranging the shelves.

Yukhei bit his lip, not knowing what to say to you, but a million questions in his head, desperate for answers.

“Please leave if you're done with your purchases,” you said, you had a long day, and the thought of entertaining him was not something you want to add on your plate.

Yukhei looked around the store once more, grabbing a bowl of instant noodles from the shelf before making his way once more to the cashier.

“I’d like to have this here,” Yukhei said before pulling out some spare change from just now.

“Yukhei, what are you trying to do?” you asked in an exasperated tone, there's no point making small talk when there's no way the two of you would ever cross in each other’s lives ever again.

“I'm hungry, I want to eat noodles,” which wasn’t really a lie, all the alcohol he drank before gave him an appetite.

You sighed, turning your back to him, soundlessly waited for the water to boil before pouring it into the cup, sealing the top for it to cook. As you worked, Yukhei was having déjà vu, this was an all too familiar sight, nights at the convenience store studying till late at night in groups, you'd always share noodles with him as you taught him some dumb math formula that no one uses in their life after school.

He takes his bowl of noodles, opting to sit at the place closest to the counter, just looking at you, eating as slow as humanly possible.

When it was around three, you received a call.

“Hello?”

“...”

“You think you have a stomach ache? Celine jia is asleep? Okay, mama’s coming home okay?” you said frantically before shutting off the stove of the food at the counter, running to the back for a pack of meds, depositing some money into the register. You looked at Yukhei, frozen at his seat, cursing at yourself for not going into the back room before picking up the call.

“You need to go, I have something to deal with,” you said as you grabbed your bag, turning off all the switches in one go, making the place pitch black other than the lights from the lamp posts outside.

“Is that my child?” Yukhei asked, he can't allow himself to act like it never happened before, he ran away once, it's time to man up and shoulder on his responsibilities.

“No I fucked another guy before you and it's his child,” you deadpanned.

You walked down the street to flag for a taxi that is always parked there to get their club goer customers, Yukhei hot on your heels, you turned back to look at him questioningly.

“This is none of your concern, don’t follow me,” you said in a rather seething tone, you didn't mean to sound like that, but if he's going to be in the way of your child, then he’s not a friend.

“That's my child too, I want to know how they are, I have a right to do so, you studied law, you should know,” Yukhei retorted in the most friendly way possible, he knows he's in the wrong, but he wants to ensure his child’s safety.

“For fuck’s sake,” you cursed aloud before stepping into the taxi, leaving the door open for him.

You told the driver your address, sitting back to think of what's the problem, the kindergarten shouldn't be the culprit, it's a school with a good reputation, which also burns a hole in your wallet, but you don't mind, and it's not like you have much of a choice, education is deadly expensive here.

About 20 minutes later, you've reached home.

“That'll be 150, miss,” the driver said.

“What?!”

“Fares are different after midnight, miss,” the driver reminded you.

Before you could check if you had enough money on you, Yukhei paid for it wordlessly.

You got out of the car, rushing into the building and running up the stairs as quick as you can, unlocking the door, jabbing the keys into the rusty lock.

Taking off your shoes before you made your way to your room, spotting your son crouched in the corner of your bed, hands around his stomach.

“Hey, mama's home, I'll get you a glass of water to take your medicine okay?” you said before hurrying out, Yukhei passing you a glass of water at the kitchen.

“Thanks,” you mumbled before making your way back inside.

You open the package and passed you son a tablet, but looking at the size, you knew he’d panic to swallow something this big, so you broke it in half, telling him to drink a big gulp of water to wash it down and it'll be fine.

All the while, Yukhei was watching with wonder leaning by the door frame, even in the dim lights and the fact that he's still quite young, he could still identify his eyes on his son, the strong genes in his family, his father and brother all had those eyes, this boy is most definitely his.

The boy diligently does as you told him, taking a big gulp of water, so obedient, and from the way the two of you communicate, very mature for his age, nothing like the usual three year old.

When he was done, he noticed Yukhei’s presence, tugging your sleeve to whisper into your ear, eyes trained on him.

“That's a friend of mine, love, be polite, say hi to Yukhei gogo,” you urged.

Yukhei took this as a sign to get closer to his son, squatting down to meet his eye.

“You’re a handsome boy, what's your name? I’m Yukhei and I’m 22 this year, how about you?” Yukhei asked as he reached out his hand for the little boy to shake.

“I’m Wenghei, 3 years old. Why have I never seen you before gogo?” the child asks, looking at him with curious eyes, he's met some of your friends, but he's definitely haven't met him before, most people aren't as tall here, or not in his mother's circle anyways.

“Get some rest, love,” you said, tucking him into bed.

“Okay,” he said, a yawn coming out from his mouth.

You closed the door behind you, directing Yukhei to the small living room area, serving him a glass of water.

You walked to the trash bin, opening the lid to check its contents, a scowl on your face when you saw the root of your son’s stomach ache when you spot the plastic container that contained the two day old pizza from the freezer. Your roommate, Celine, must’ve gave him some as dinner, usually you'd leave some money for Celine to buy him dinner, but she must've been tight on money again, trying to find ways to squeeze in some spare change, you've warned her of her spending habits, always splurging on albums of her favourite stars, which reminds you.

“You have to go, I’m living with a roommate and I'm sure she's going to recognise you,” you said, a hand gesturing at the door.

“Wait, did you find out why he had a stomach ache?” Yukhei asked.

“Yeah, he ate something he shouldn't have for dinner, you have to go, I need some rest for tomorrow,” you said, struggling to keep your eyes open.

“Do you have anything on tomorrow? Can I see you, perhaps?” Yukhei asked, he didn't know what he wanted to talk about, but he just had to see you again.

“I’m tutoring a student at a coffee shop tomorrow, you can come right after,” you said, thinking that he just wants to know more about his son.

“Okay, goodnight then,” Yukhei said awkwardly as he walks towards the door.

“Goodnight,” you said, feeling a weight on your chest, dreading tomorrow’s meeting.

When Yukhei arrived at the café, he could see you sitting at the way back, a teenage girl sitting in front of you, back facing him, he sipped on his latte, observing you silently.

Your hair is much longer than it had been in high school, the bag hung by your chair very much worn out, and your eye bags were heavier than on days where Yukhei would stay up to prepare for promotions.

Soon, the student was packing up, leaving the table, Yukhei took this as a sign to move to your table. You had stood up to greet him, and that's when he saw, you had lost lots of weight, and he's not meaning it in a fitness way, he recognised the jeans you are wearing, you had these even back then, they used to be a perfect fit for you, that's why they were your favourite, but now, you were wearing a belt to hold it together, and still he could see how loose it was.

“Hey, you didn't order anything?” Yukhei asked, noting that the cup of coffee he saw just now belonged to your student.

“I got a coffee in my flask, cheaper that way,” you said as you packed up your stationaries.

“What did you have for breakfast? How about I order you a piece of cake?” Yukhei suggested, looking back to see what they have today.

“It's alright, I'm not hungry, why don't we get straight to the point? What is it you want to ask about Wenghei?” you asked, noting the time on your watch, you have to leave around noon to fetch your son from pre school.

“I, how about you? Why did you leave the firm? And how’s your parents?” Yukhei started off.

“Well, they said I would’ve been an embarrassment to the firm, you know, pregnant and unmarried, so they told me to leave, it's not like filing could be done with a big weight in my stomach, so I did as they said. Now I tutor kids English and work the night shift at the convenience store, and as for my parents, they kicked me out,” you said, laying down the cards, no point avoiding his questions, especially not when you're in a hurry.

Yukhei nodded at your words, registering the fact that he had a fault in ruining your hot shot lawyer dreams and completely destroyed your sensitive relationship with your parents, how is he ever going to forgive himself?

“I’m sorry,” Yukhei said, he didn't know what else to say, how could he make it up to you and your son? Will you let him even if he could?

“Don't be, this is on the both of us, are you going to ask about the share custody stuff? If so, I don't think we should continue this conversation, Wenghei doesn’t know who you are, and maybe that's the best case scenario, what point would be made if he knew you were his father but you're not in our lives? It'll break his heart. You've seen him now, maybe you can reconnect with him when he's older, I think you should just say goodbye before you go, if you want,” you said, saying these harsh words aloud wasn’t easy, you’re not entirely a cold hearted bitch, but it's for the best that your son didn’t know about his father, no one wants to know the fact that their father abandoned them twice, some truths are better to be untold.

“Can I see him one last time, maybe tonight? For dinner? I'm leaving in two days,” Yukhei said in a defeated tone.

“Yeah, sure, I'll take the shift off tonight,” you said, eyes avoiding his, you could just tell he’d have those sad puppy eyes on his face right now, you don't need anymore guilt in your heart.

“Hey man, where were you?” Jackson asked Yukhei, who was waiting for him at the harbour, they were going to Macau for a day trip today, his friend isn't late for the boat, but they did schedule to meet 15 minutes earlier.

“Something came up, and I need to head back around 7, there’s some people I need to see,” Yukhei said as they boarded the boat.

“So that leaves us 5 hours, should be enough,” Jackson said, checking his watch.

“I’m sorry about this, man, it just came up suddenly,” Yukhei said as they took their seats, apologetic because they have been talking about this trip for a long time now.

“It's okay, dude, but what's up? You look really stressed,” Jackson asked, taking in Yukhei's clenched jaw and furrowed brows, a stark contrast from his usually carefree expression.

“It's a long story,” Yukhei said as he mindlessly watches the sea from the little window of his seat.

“Well, if you don't mind, this is a 45 minutes journey, maybe we'll be able to find a solution together, what are friends for am I right?” Jackson offered, he wouldn't press his friend if he didn't want to tell him about it, but the two of them have been close ever since going on knowing brothers, coming from the same home country and everything.

And so Yukhei, for the first time, told his friend his long love story.

“You know, I think I have a solution for you, but let me ask you one thing first, do you still love her?” Jackson asked as he ate his pork chop bun, Macau’s famous local snack.

Yukhei pondered over his friend’s question, yes the two of you agreed to break up, but all the girls he dated after you, all had similar features or personality traits to you, he had dismissed it as just a type, but now that he had seen you again, he realised that the hole in his heart was always emptied for you, you were the missing puzzle piece all along.

“You don't even have to answer me, your face tells all man,” Jackson said, an oily finger wagging at the direction of his face.

“Yeah, I think I do,” Yukhei said with a sigh, “but even if I still love her, that doesn’t mean she loves me back, and what if we do love each other? We're living oceans apart,” Yukhei said in a defeated tone.

“Now here comes my solution, so you said she got fired from her law firm and is now tutoring kids and doing the night shift at 7 E, and got kicked out by her shitty parents, so she really doesn't have anything else here for her other than her son, why don't you suggest get to move with you? To Korea? It'll be way easier for the two of you to raise your son, even if the two of you don't get back together, I mean, at least you'll be able to financially support them, that is what you're willing to do right?” Jackson asked, hoping that his friend would uptake his part of the child support.

“Yeah, of course I want that, I just don't know what she'll say, or if she'd be willing, she doesn't speak the language and it's an entirely different environment,” Yukhei said, thinking back the days where he had a tough time adjusting.

“From what you told me, she sounds like a tough nut, but of course, this is all up to you, but just so you know, I would really like to be his godfather, and as for your doubts of her love towards you, she did name him after you, isn't it the same Hei?” Jackson said with a hearty chuckle, he could just imagine the fun they'll have together, he was always fond of children.

“Yeah, I’ll persuade her on this,” Yukhei said, he could already feel himself getting nervous for tonight’s dinner, it can’t be that much of a coincidence that his son’s last name resembled his right? Or is he and Jackson just being delusional?

“Now that's my buddy, now come on, finish your food so that we’ll make it in time for the next batch of Portuguese egg tarts, I remember they have a fresh batch around 4,” Jackson said, mouth salivating at the thought of more food.

When you arrived at the restaurant, it was fancier than what you had expected, feeling underdressed among the rich elite of Hong Kong in your old dress that you wear for every special occasion.

You asked if there was a reservation under your name, since Yukhei said he had it booked under you, and almost immediately, since not that many people can afford places like these, the waiter led you in.

“Mama, what is this place? We've never ate here before,” your son asked you.

“It's a French cuisine restaurant, we’re meeting gogo here, remember him? Or were you too sick that day?” you said as you placed him on the baby chair you had requested for.

“Yeah, I remember,” your son said as he looks around in awe, registering the pretty chandeliers that look so sparkly.

When the waiter handed you a menu, someone had joined your table, his hoodie pulled up so no one would recognise him, pulling it down when he saw that there wasn't any other customers around.

“Sorry, am I late?” Yukhei asked with a sheepish smile, a hand lifting up to check the time.

“No, we’re just early, say hi to Yukhei gogo, love,” you directed the last part to your son, patting his little hand to get his attention, smiling immediately when he lands on the tall figure.

“Gogo, you're here,” your son said excitedly, making grabby hands at him, letting his father carry him with a large smile on his face.

“Hey, buddy, don't you look excited to see me?” Yukhei said before blowing raspberry at his neck, making the young boy giggle.

What you didn't expect was to see someone coming up behind Yukhei, a little bit shorter and smaller in built, but when he pulled his hoodie down, you instantly recognised who it was.

“Jackson Wang?” you asked, blinking your eyes a few times to see if you were hallucinating.

“Hey, it’s nice to finally meet you, you look lovely tonight, and you must be little Wenghei, aren't you adorable, how about Jackson gogo take you out to buy toys, huh? I saw a big toy store just across the street, but only if your ma says yes of course,” Jackson said, giving you a side eye to Yukhei.

“Yeah, sure,” you said, it's not like the Jackson Wang is going to kidnap your son right?

“Don’t worry, I’ll watch him with my life,” Jackson said as Yukhei passes his son over to him, leaving the restaurant with his hood up once more.

“Is there something you'd like to say?” you asked Yukhei after he had taken the seat across you his hands were shaking slightly as he holds up the menu.

“I... I still love you. And I know I must sound like a jerk to you, hell I’d go back in time just to hit myself for running away, I'm really sorry for that. What I did was inexcusable, my career just stabilised at that time, and I was under immense stress from SM, you have every right to be mad at me, but I want to be apart of your life again, apart of Wenghei’s life as well, if you could let me have this second chance, I'll do anything to make the both of you happy,” Yukhei said in one breath, reciting what he had practised over and over again with Jackson in the car.

“Yukhei, I,” you were lost for words, you thought you were saying goodbye once more, that Yukhei and you would always end up in goodbyes, but now here he is, saying he loves you.

“Yukhei, you can't just say you love me for the sake of our son, and neither would you need to take responsibility for him, I chose to have him, and as for love, we can never be together, you’re an international super star now, and you're living in Korea, I don't think I have the energy to be in a long distance relationship with you, that would take a toll on Wenghei too, how am I going to explain to him that his father is in another country? He’ll always question your love for him and I don't want that,” you said, trying to hold in the tears that had built up in your eyes, your throat closing up, the cold facade you built for yourself crumbling down before his eyes.

“You can move to Korea, both of you, we can be a family,” Yukhei pleaded, his hands reaching forward to hold yours, his eyes searching yours.

“We can’t, what if we break up? What if your so called love for me, is just something you feel as a result of our child? You can't uproot the two of us when there's so many uncertainties, especially our emotions,” you said, you don't want either of you to be stuck in a relationship for the sake of raising a child, no one would be happy in the end.

“Love, you don't understand, I've never had a serious relationship after you, I tried, I really did, but I’d always think of you instead, how badly I wanted you instead of someone who reminds me of you, the thing is, I’ve always loved you, and I think you still love me too, or you wouldn't have named our son after me, am I right?” Yukhei hoped, why else would you come up with that name right?

Damn it, you thought to yourself, he saw right through you, maybe you shouldn't have named your son after him.

You looked at him and looked away, darn those puppy eyes, you’re sure you’re crying now, and Yukhei reaching over to wipe away your tears just confirmed it.

“I love you, it's always been you, only you,” Yukhei confessed.

“I, I love you too, Yukhei, and I was never mad at you for running away from us, I know how tough that industry is, but what if your fans find out about us?” you asked, slightly worried that he might lose it like last time.

“Then so be it, true fans would stay,” he said in an affirmative tone, reassuring you.

“You promise?” you asked, holding out your pinky, it would’ve been a funny sight to see if anyone saw the two of you now, crying and smiling at the same time.

“I promise,” Yukhei said before hooking his own pinky to connect with yours.

“If you leave us, Wong Yukhei, I’ll murder you in your sleep,” you said as threatening as you could sound.

“I plan to see our son grow up, so I'll value my life,” Yukhei said in utmost sincerity before grabbing a napkin to wipe away all your tears, you’re glad that you didn't wear any mascara today.

Just when Yukhei wiped away the tears in his eyes, Jackson was back with your bubbly child, his arm had bags digging into his flesh.

“Oh my god, that's too much, Wenghei why did you get so many, this is Jackson gogo’s hard earned money,” you said, lecturing your son.

“It's okay, he's an angel, this was all on me, and I guess things went well?” Jackson asked, eyes darting to your connected hands.

“Yeah,” you said, the biggest smile you had on your face.

“That's great to hear, I always wanted to be an uncle, now if you’ll excuse me, I don't think I should crash this family reunion any longer,” Jackson said giving his best friend a hug before leaving.

“So... What do you like to eat Wenghei? How about we get crème brulé,” Yukhei asked, pointing at the menu with childlike eyes, reminding you of the days where he’d get ice cream with you, splitting it on half for you to share.

“Sounds delicious.”

You let Yukhei order everything, sharing between the three of you while the three of you talked, Yukhei mostly directed the questions at his child, asking about his interests, his favourites of everything, ranging from colour to ice cream, eager to make up for loss time.

“How about we talk about where you'll be staying?” Yukhei asked after ordering dessert.

“Oh, I don't know what I'll be able to afford, I'll probably get another convenience store job again, so the rent can't be too high,” you said, dreading the thought of needing to learn a new language quickly for a job.

“Hey, you don't need to work anymore, nor pay rent, I already looked it up, there's an empty unit in our condo, the soundproofing might be a bit lacking, but that wouldn't be a problem if you don't sing in the shower like Dejun, we had a few noise complaints because of him,” Yukhei said, laughing at the fond times he had at the dorms.

“Yukhei, I know housing is really expensive there, are you sure you want to do this?” you asked once more, you don't want him to resent the financial burden the two of you would add onto him.

“What did I say to you just now? I said what I meant, I want the two of you to be in my life, forever. And don't worry about money, I saved up plenty and there’s many more jobs coming up for me, and moving out of the dorms would be the next step of adulthood to me, and we’ll get to spend so much more time together, right Wenghei?” Yukhei asked, pinching your son’s chubby cheeks teasingly.

“We’ll be living together, Yukhei gogo?” your son asked, a confused expression on his face, he had his attention trained on some pink fong video, something about dinosaurs.

“Yeah, Wenghei, we’ll be moving out of our little room, are you excited? We're going to a new country. Remember the dramas I watched with you? Korea has that big outdoor theme park you said you always wanted to go, and snow, you'll get to make snowmen during the winter,” you persuaded, hoping he won’t fuss too much about the move.

“Really? There’s snow in Korea?” your son asked, excited about the winter scene he’ll get finally see in real life.

“Yeah, real snow, not the bubbles in Disney land, are you excited?”

“Yeah, is Jackson gogo going to stay with us too?” your son asked, eyes darting to his new goodies before looking at you expectantly.

“Well, Jackson gogo has his own house and we have ours, but we can always visit him,” Yukhei explained.

“Hehe, okay,” your son said before getting distracted by the crème brulé set in front of him, digging in immediately.

“When do you want us to make the move?” you asked, thinking of all the things you have to pack, which isn't a lot, but you might have to courier some of your clothes over first.

“Whenever you want, I'll get our home ready as soon as possible, is there anything you need in the house? Other than the basics of course,” Yukhei asked, uncertain of any needs you have as a woman or maybe for your son.

“Can we have a study room for Wenghei? With a desk and shelves? We love to read, and he'll need a proper desk when he's older,” you asked, hoping it wasn't too much.

“Yeah, sure, I'll be sure to get it done,” Yukhei said, noting it down into his phone.

“But it's no rush on the study room part, he's just three after all, before I go, I have to apply visas for both of us,” you said, dreading the thought of filling up paperwork, you haven't done much of that ever since you left the law firm.

“Call me if you need any help on that, I'm sure my manager knows how to,” Yukhei said.

“You’re going to tell your company about us?” you asked, knowing how strict Korean entertainment companies are.

“They can't let me go just because of having my own family, they didn't let Jongdae, my senior, go, so we’ll be fine, I promise,” Yukhei said, reaching a hand over to hold yours reassuringly, his eyes looking into yours, filled with love and adoration.

“Okay, now how about we walk around the complex until 10? Wenghei doesn't have school tomorrow,” you suggested.

“Yeah, sure, we could even stay out later if you want,” Yukhei said enthusiastically, getting up slightly to call for the bill.

“You have a flight to catch tomorrow,” you reminded him in your motherly voice, which you regretted almost instantly, cursing yourself, reminding yourself to act more like an actual 22 year old, but Yukhei didn't say anything about it, hiding his smile by nodding deeply, almost like a bow.

“Okay, I just wanted to spend more time with the two of you,” Yukhei said, stopping when he saw the waiter coming back with the credit card machine, paying with just a glance at the bill.

The three of you spent your remaining time shopping and at the arcade, playing games with your son, Yukhei had insisted on getting you a new pair of sneakers, but you shot him down when he wanted to buy more stuff, especially toys for Wenghei.

“You can buy him toys when we’re there, it'll cost even more to ship more stuff over, and there's a risk of damaging the toys as well,” you said.

But of course your son threw a fit at the shop, all for some legos.

“Hey, buddy, I'll buy you lots the next time I see you, okay? I'll buy you one that's even bigger than this,” Yukhei said, squatting down next to his son, and even then he wasn't eye level with him, sometimes you forget how tall Yukhei actually is until you see a scene like this, or when you stand really close to him.

When it was 10pm, painful goodbyes were exchanged with a promise of face timing everyday, your son cried, and held onto his father dearly, and you haven't even told him Yukhei was his dad, but their bond is evident.

Yukhei held onto you and your son until his taxi came, and you waved until you couldn't see the taillights.

It's been a month since that fateful reunion, and Yukhei has squeezed in face times, calls, and texts in between schedules, giving you and your son time despite his busy career.

His company wasn’t too happy about it of course, but was somewhat glad that you weren't one to babble your business to gossip outlets.

You're now packing your things, one last time, you've been to the post office multiple times before to courier out your stuff to Korea, and every time a box reached his address, Yukhei would take a photo of it, telling you the stuff arrived safely.

Progress on your new home was quick, since it was already a fully furnished unit, Yukhei only needed to buy some furniture and things that cater to your son’s needs, he even picked out a pre school that teaches mandarin, perfect for your son’s adjustment in such a foreign country.

Tomorrow you'd be flying to Korea, a new country, a new start, but there was something clouding your mind, something you've been dreading, but today is the day you’ll tell him.

“Wenghei, can you come to mama for a second?” you asked, soon hearing your son’s tiny footsteps nearing you.

“Yes, mama?” your son asked, a hand around his precious teddy.

“There's something I need to tell you,” you said holding him close to you, letting him sit onto your lap.

“Remember how you asked me why you didn't have a baba while all your other classmates did?” you asked, trying to word it as nicely as possible.

“You said my baba had a really big responsibility, that he couldn't see us because of it, that he'll come back when he's free,” your son answered you, struggling to remember more details.

“Yes, good job, Wenghei, your memorising skills are getting better. Well, your baba is actually Yukhei gogo, he’s back now, and we can finally be a family again,” you said before holding in a breath, not knowing how he’ll react.

“Baba is Yukhei gogo? That's why we’re going to Korea?” your son asked, confusion written on his face.

“Yeah, do you like that he's your baba?” you asked, this could be the most important question ever.

“Yeah, mama, do you love baba? Does baba love you as much as I do?” your son asked, which very much surprised you, but expecting this sort of maturity from him.

“Yes, we love each other, and both of us love you as much too,” you said with a pinch of his chubby cheeks.

“Do we ever have to be separated from baba again?” your son asked, scared of losing his newfound father.

“No, never again, and can you do me one favour, Wenghei? I think the next time when you see your baba, you should run up to him and say hi baba, he’ll be very happy to hear you call him that,” you suggested, imagining the look on Yukhei’s face.

Your son giggled at the thought of making his father happy, agreeing immediately.

“Okay, now go to sleep, it's going to be your first time flying tomorrow,” you said, ushering him onto the bed.

“Okay, goodnight, mama,” your son said to you, just like he did every other night, he seemed to have accepted it very easily, maybe it was due to his age, but some day he might ask his father about his departure personally when he understands more, but that’s a hardship that’s reserved for another day.

The flight was relatively short, though it was rather hard for Wenghei at the start because of the pressure he had experienced in his ears, the crying and whining got you plenty of dirty looks from passengers around you, but you paid no mind to it, you’ve been through worst so this is nothing that can faze you.

When you got there, you saw a lady holding up a plaque with your name on it, her phone in her hand, checking all the moms who came out of the same lane as you.

She had a friendly smile on her face when she saw you, introducing herself in mandarin, being one of Wayv’s staff, a trusted one, according to Yukhei.

She talked to you about Yukhei in general, even giving your son a bar of mini KitKat, praising him for being brave on the flight after she had asked you how was your flight.

Around half an hour later, you've reached your new home, a nice looking condominium that looked about a few years old.

Unloading took quite some time, even with the help of the staff, but what surprised you was the person who was waiting for you inside the lobby.

“You're here!” you said surprised at the sight of the giant.

“Yeah, I am, wanted to give you a surprise, sorry I couldn't be outside, some crazy fans camp outside, can’t let them bring you and Wenghei any harm,” Yukhei said as he carried Wenghei, spinning in a small circle, looking at him with full of love.

“I understand, don't worry, I'm not a teenager girl anymore,” you said as you checked out the place, the sitting area had a couch set and free WiFi, this is a 180 from the living conditions in Hong Kong.

“Baba, did you miss me?” your son asked when he had stopped giggling from his father’s spins, which instantly ceased to a halt, eyes growing as wide as saucers.

“What did you call me? Say it again,” Yukhei said with the biggest smile on his face, all of his teeth were showing.

“Mama said you were my Baba,” Wenghei said like it was as simple as two plus two.

“Yeah... I am your baba, and you're my son,” Yukhei said before holding his son even closer, you could even see the tears at the corner of his eyes.

“Why don't we go see our new home Wenghei?” you suggested, seeing that some people have came out from the lifts, typical going to work hours.

You walked a feet away from Yukhei, not wanting to draw attention, holding onto the lift for Yukhei to bring all your luggage in.

Once you were at your level, you started loosening up, noticing that no one was around.

“This is my members’ unit,” Yukhei said pointing at a door, “And this is ours,” Yukhei said before opening the door for you, welcoming you into a warmly decorated home, every piece of furniture was placed and chose to accommodate your child, all the corners were covered with this e rubber safety stickers.

He showed you into Wenghei's room where the bed had all his favourite characters in the form of a plushie, his bed was soft when you sat down on it, and the blanket he had picked out was a soft fleece material, perfect for the cold weather.

Your son was going around every corner, awing at everything his father had gotten him, especially the Lego sets that were on his desk.

“Thank you, it's beautiful, his room,” you said when Yukhei wrapped an arm around your waist, bringing you closer to him, god how much you've missed his warmth.

“Go take a look at your room,” Yukhei said before pulling your hand into the direction of the master bedroom, welcoming you into a room with a king size bed and silk linen sheets, an aesthetic looking vanity that you've always wanted as a teenager, now as well of course, and a little reading corner just for you by the window.

“It's all I've ever wanted,” you said in disbelief, not knowing how could Yukhei pull this off in such a short time.

“You like it? I got some help from my members, especially Kun for the kitchen, you should check it out afterwards, you always wanted a big kitchen area,” Yukhei said as you laid on the bed, giving your stiff body a rest from the journey.

“Lay down with me for a while, I’m a bit tired from the flight,” you said, making grabby hands at him.

“Nah, I shouldn’t, this is your bed,” Yukhei said, looking flustered.

“Wong Yukhei, I’ve had your child and now you're acting all innocent?” you asked in an accusing tone, playing with him, which made him lay down next to you immediately, he didn't like getting you angry, thinking back all those days when you had lectured him just like that when he forgot to do his homework.

“You want me to sleep here?” Yukhei asked carefully, observing your expressions.

“This is our bedroom, where else do you want to sleep?” you asked, but was promptly cut off by Yukhei's lips on yours, smiling as he kissed you, gentle but expressing all his love for you, a hand lingering on your back, guiding you closer than him.

Many mistakes that had to be made had guided you here, but you've never regretted, for if it wasn't for the hardships and the crossroads, you wouldn't have found a home with the man you'll cross oceans for.

The end.

[blu-joons]

You Look After Him Whilst He Films A Programme ~ Exo Reaction

Suho:

The flashes of the cameras instantly made you tense up as you pulled up outside of the red carpet for the first showing of The Universe’s Star. “You alright?” Junmyeon questioned, spotting the panic in your eyes.

Your head nodded, straightening out your outfit. “It’s just a little bit overwhelming, I thought a few of your fans would be here, but not this many.”

“If it’s too much, I’d understand if you want to go home,” he smiled, pressing his hand against the small of your back. “I didn’t think it would be this big either.”

“No,” you smiled, glancing down the red carpet. “I want to be here to support you, I saw first-hand how hard you worked on this programme, I’m not missing the chance to finally be able to see some of the stuff you’ve been up to.”

His own smile grew, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “I’ll stay right beside you all night long, I’m just glad you’re here.”

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” you assured him, “you’ve worked hard, and I’m so excited to be able to watch.”

“I just hope it lives up to your high expectations.”

Xiumin:

His eyes lit up as he spotted you stood behind the cameras that were filming as the director yelled for a break to be taken. “What are you doing here?” He chuckled, weaving around the staff to be able to see you.

Straight away, you handed the bag you were holding to him. “I thought you could do with some food seeing as you’re working so hard.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” he appreciatively smiled, taking a look inside. “You bought my favourite too, you’re full of the best surprises sometimes jagi.”

“I wanted to come and see too,” you chuckled, taking a good look around the set. “I can’t believe you get to work somewhere as nice as this. How’s all of it going? Are you going to become a megastar actor at the end of this?”

His eyes widened, “I’m already a megastar,” he teased, “but why don’t you stay this afternoon and watch a bit?”

“Are you sure no one will mind?” You quizzed, but his head shook straight away. “I’d love to stay and watch you Minseok.”

“Then it’s settled, I’ll set up a spot for you.”

Lay:

You could feel Yixing’s proud eyes looking at you as he watched what you’d done with the trainees to try and choreograph their routine. “You did good,” he smiled once the cameras finally stopped rolling on you both.

You smiled appreciatively in his direction, “well when they’ve got several other coaches who work them so well, my job becomes pretty easy.”

“You’re amazing on your own, not any of the other coaches,” he assured you, taking a step off the set away from the trainees. “How are you really finding it here?”

“It’s fun,” you assured him, glancing around the room once again. “It’s certainly hard working with trainees again, but it’s fun seeing them work their way up from the bottom, reminds me what we were like a few years ago.”

His head nodded, resting a hand against your waist. “I forget sometimes that this is what my life was like a decade ago.”

“At least we can give them a lot of tips,” you added, “I’m sure there’s plenty of things you know not to do as a trainee too.”

“There were a few things I picked up on in my time at the dorm.”

Baekhyun:

Your smile grew as the producer introduced you to the team that you’d be working with on set. “Baekhyun,” a confident voice introduced himself, pulling you into a tight hug whilst you offered your hand to shake.

You could only chuckle at the tight hold he had on you. “You don’t need to introduce yourself, I even listened to your music on the way here.”

“So, you’re a fan?” He proudly quizzed, pressing his palms together. “I was already looking forward to working with you, but now I am even more.”

“I’ll be very professional,” you assured him, making sure everyone on the set heard you. “Although if you want to tell me some secrets about Exo when the cameras cut off, I’ll be more than happy to hear your stories.”

Baekhyun chuckled, nodding his head, “I’m sure I can let you in on a few secrets, as long as you give me a few acting tips.”

“I’m sure you don’t need any tips from me,” you complimented, “I’ve seen you act before; I know you’re really good.”

“I bet I’m not as good as you, though.”

Chen:

You felt your stomach drop as you saw several photos of you, taken at the King of Masked Singer set be posted all over social media. “You good?” Chen questioned, noticing how you suddenly fell silent beside him.

You handed your phone across to him, “what if they figure out that I’m here because of you? Everyone will know that it’s you behind the mask.”

“You could just be here for a guest appearance,” he suggested, trying to find the positives. “It’s not like there’s any sign of me on the photos.”

“True,” you sighed, studying across the photos one final time. “I thought I was so secretive coming into the studio, I didn’t even spot any fans stood around, they must be incredible at hiding to not be seen.”

Chen’s hand rested over yours, “there’s no point in worrying, if people do think it’s me, they’ve got no actual proof that it is me.”

“Who else would I come here to support?” You quizzed, brushing your hands through your hair, “I think I’ve messed this up for you.”

“You haven’t, I promise you, nothing is wrong.”

Chanyeol:

Your eyes peeled open as finally Chanyeol came home from a long day of filming So, I Married an Anti-Fan. “Hi,” he whispered, noticing that you were asleep, “you didn’t need to wait up for me, you should have gone to bed.”

Your head shook, stretching your arms up, “I wanted to stay up and check on you when you got home to make sure you were doing alright.”

“I’m good,” he smiled, taking a seat beside your figure, “the filming just went on a little longer than any of us imagined tonight.”

“That’s good though,” you smiled, moving across the sofa to curl into his side. “It shows that everyone cares, and they want the show to be perfect, they could have just settled, but instead they knew you could do better.”

Chanyeol’s head nodded at your words, “it doesn’t change the fact that I was desperate to get back here and come and see you though.”

“You’re home now,” you cheered, letting go of a yawn, “even if it is a little better than you had hoped to be back here.”

“I reckon now I’m home you head to bed.”

D.O.:

Your eyes widened as an email popped up on your laptop screen. You called Kyungsoo through, knowing what the only thing it could be was. “Open it,” he cheered, standing beside you with his hands on your shoulders.

Reluctantly, you opened up the email. “Congratulations,” you read out, “you’ve been cast to be a part of 100 Days of My Prince.”

“I knew it!” Kyungsoo yelled, pressing several kisses against your cheek. “I can’t believe we actually get to work on a programme together.”

“It feels like a dream,” you blushed, reading through the email yet again, just to be sure. “I was convinced they wouldn’t hire me, I thought maybe they wouldn’t want both of us on set, their faces when I told we were dating were horrible.”

Kyungsoo’s smile widened, “I told you that you shouldn’t put yourself down, your talent was the thing that got you cast.”

“And now we get to work together for the foreseeable future too,” you grinned, “that’s easily the best part out of all of this.”

“I’m excited to get spend every day with you now.”

Kai:

When you heard rumour that Jongin would be featuring on your show, you refused to believe it. That was until you walked onto set and saw him stood with his manager. “Hi,” he smiled as you walked past him.

Your eyes looked back, smiling back at him. “Hi,” you blushed, “it’s nice to meet you, I’m Y/N. I’m playing the main character.”

“I know,” he chuckled, “don’t worry I’ve done plenty of research on the show, and also a bit about you too, I wanted to get to know you.”

“Oh,” you stuttered, feeling your cheeks turn a dark shade of red. “I’m in a little bit of shock right now if I’m honest, I thought the producers were playing a joke on us when they said that you’d be making a guest appearance.”

Kai’s head nodded, “well hopefully out of all the guests you’ve had on, I can be the best first kiss that your character has.”

“There’s been a good few here already,” you teased, “but I’m sure you’ll do the job well, I’ve got high hopes for you.”

“That’s definitely a lot of pressure on me now.”

Sehun:

His brows knitted together as he walked into his dressing room, noticing several snacks laid out on the table. He followed the trial that was there until he saw you sat in his chair. “What’s this?” He chuckled, walking over to hug you.

You stood up from the chair, placing your arms around his waist. “I thought I’d come and see what you get up to, if that’s alright?”

“Of course,” he nervously giggled, pressing his palms to your cheeks. “I can show you all around if you want, there’s plenty going on today on set.”

“That would be cool,” you smiled, struggling to contain your excitement at the thought of seeing Sehun on set. “I’ve had good things about you and the production, so they better live up to my expectations now.”

Sehun nudged your hips gently, “I promise you’ll love it. I think To the Beautiful has been my favourite programme I’ve been on.”

“It’s certainly been the one I’ve noticed you smile the most with,” you pointed out, “I can tell you’re enjoying yourself.”

“I really am having the best time here.”

---

Masterlist

[ascalonianpicnic]

so the twisted marionette is back and it seems like a good time for this~ @mystery-salad requested I do an essay on Scarlet and discrimination in STEM so~

Warning: discussions of sexism, racism, and ableism. If I got anything wrong (in terms of real world issues) or was disrespectful in any way about certain subjects please let me know

Hey, let's talk about Scarlet Briar. 

More specifically, I wanna talk about Ceara, and how she became Scarlet Briar. Because I'm a gay mathematician and former computer science major, and I think Scarlet is cool.

So let's start here. STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) is a heavily male dominated set of fields and career paths. A few decades back in the real world, there was this deep set societal belief, at least in western society, that cis women were just "worse" at STEM related things like math and chemistry. It's not as visible of an issue now, but, like I said, STEM fields are still really male dominated, and that's because STEM fields still have a massive issue with sexism. Women have full on left the field due to the sexism they faced in workplaces in just the last decade. Trans women in STEM share really interesting and important personal accounts about how before transitioning, they were treated with respect, offered high level jobs, and entrusted with loads of responsibility, and how post transition, despite having even more experience, are offered significantly lower level jobs, worse pay, and are all around treated like they know less. STEM has a sexism problem. 

So, why is this important to Scarlet? Well, her backstory and her life before Omadd's Machine actually tie in to this real world issue in a really fascinating way. It's about Respect. And Scarlet's story is about how she was denied respect over and over, because she was a sylvari, because she was a woman, and because she was neurodivergent. Let's talk about Ceara. 

Ceara was a sylvari secondborn, and an engineer from the start. She emerged from the Pale Tree when her race was still brand new to the world and largely unknown. She spent 8 years of her life studying all the Grove had to offer her about mechanics and nature and the universe. She was born curious and as such, was determined to learn everything and anything she could get her hands on. After her time in the Grove, Ceara left, off to find new teachers and extend her knowledge further. After the Grove cane Beigarth, a famed norn smith. He gladly took Ceara under his wing, seeing her genius and potential. For a year, she trained under him, his best student. Then, much to his dismay, she left, feeling she had learned all he could offer about what she wanted to know. She moved south, going to study under iron legion gladium and demolitionist Asagai. Asagai was an old charr, and it took some convincing on Ceara's end, but she eventually took the sylvari in and taught her about gunsmithing and artillery. And after two years, Ceara moved on again, this time heading for Rata Sum and its colleges. 

The asura of Rata Sum did Not like Ceara. She had to fight to be allowed to study at the colleges. She won in the end, being admitted into the college of Dynamics. Within a year, she finished the course work, and, feeling like she was finally getting somewhere, she applied again, this time getting admitted to Statics. Two years and two colleges down, at the top of her class both times, Scarlet still wanted more. The Arcane council was curious now if she could keep this streak up, so they let her enter Synergetics. This was what she had been looking for, and she got deep into her studies, taking her time. The Arcane council was unimpressed with her work at best. While not driven from the colleges, she found herself being walked off and looked down on more and more, so she sought other sources. These other sources, both of knowledge and support, came from the inquest, and it wasn't long before she fell in deep. It didn't last, however. When the krewe she was working with ran into trouble, she was abandoned as a scapegoat, and thrown out of the asuran colleges. She wandered on her own for a while, taking the time to study alchemy with the michotl hylek, but mostly keeping to herself. Until Omadd found her, pulled her back into his personal research, and, with her help, built Omadd's machine. Once it was finished, Ceara walked in, and Scarlet walked out. 

Sexism in STEM means that people perceived as female are often perceived as knowing or understanding less than they actually do. It's because of this that you'll find young cis male students in STEM classes trying to correct or speak over their female presenting professors. It's why you'll find men at science conferences telling the women presenting for certain topics that they don't seem to understand the topic they're covering or grasp the basics that well, and then recommending or referencing books and research papers written by these women. It means that women will often be overlooked for internships, research positions, and grants. And that is the sort of thing Scarlet faced as a young woman trying to learn everything she could. She had to work for the apprenticeships she could get, and with Beigarth, despite how highly he thought of her, she had to work harder to prove she was ready for more each step of the way. Finding anyone to teach her at all among the charr was a struggle, until an older woman took her in. And no one in Rata Sum took her seriously. 

There was more than just the fact that Scarlet was a woman at play with Rata Sum though. As stated, STEM has a bad sexism problem. But that's not all. STEM isn't just mostly men, but also mostly white men, and as such, the fields have a bit of a racism problem as well. Personally, I can only speak so much to this as I myself am white, have never faced racism, and never will face racism. I do know that the intelligence, skill, and effort of people of color goes largely unacknowledged. They will be denied the same opportunities and respect that their white peers receive, and their work and contributions will be ignored, exploited, and stolen. 

Racism in Tyria isn't the same as it is in the real world, though it is still present there, and prevalent. And it is something Scarlet has to face and struggle with repeatedly as a sylvari. The sylvari are young and new to Tyria. Because of this, the other prominent groups all tend to think of sylvari as innocent, ignorant, and overly naive. The asura are especially bad about this. They already think of themselves as the smartest of Tyria's inhabitants, above everyone else. And when they first encounter the sylvari, the asura refuse to believe this new group could even be sentient. So, when 11 year old Ceara shows up at the colleges, the Arcane Council and the asura in general doubt she could possibly understand asuran studies. She's a sylvari, after all, and just a girl on top of that. There's surely no way she could keep up. 

So when this young sylvari girl finishes at the top of her class in just a year, not once but twice, the Arcane council is intrigued. They don't respect her. They don't hold her work in high esteem. But they do want to know if this is some sort of fluke or if she can do it again. So she's admitted into the third and final college, and when she gets caught up in her studies, genuinely interested and invested in what she's learning and wanting to take her time to take it all in, the Council is disappointed. Never mind that Scarlet has already done what no other non-asura has. She took too long doing what she loved, learning, so the Council dismisses her, and dismisses her hard work. Her theories are looked down upon and ignored, and she is left with only support from Omadd, who can use her and her theories for his own gain, and the inquest. Omadd and the inquest make her feel valued and respected. The inquest let's her try anything she wants, it lets her really explore the fields of study she's most drawn to. The inquest makes sure to profit off her hard work and, when it comes down to it, the inquest leaves her to take the fall for everything. It's easy, after all, to pin the blame on someone already so looked down on by the society she's in. Scarlet is kicked out of the colleges and the city. She loses her access to information, her belongings, and even her own research and findings. All her hard work, taken from her because the inquest was more than glad to use a sylvari. 

And then of course, there's Omadd. He was glad to have Scarlet as a lab assistant, and endlessly fascinated by and supportive of her work. So once she's gone from Rata Sum, he leaves too, taking her research and starting on his own personal project. He gets stuck, he seeks Scarlet out, and he convinces her to help him again. Once Scarlet is back on board, the project goes smoothly and the two construct Omadd's Machine. Omadd's. Despite being built off Scarlet's theories and research, despite her being integral to the construction of this machine, it's Omadd's and it carries his name. Funny how that happens, isn't it? And once the machine is up and running, he thinks Scarlet should test it first. Who knows what could happen in there, better to leave it up to the assistant to try it out, and frame it as her getting the honor of the first try. As we all know, it goes poorly. Scarlet learns so much more, all the knowledge she had been seeking for over a decade, but in return, the seeds of Mordremoth are planted in her mind and slowly take over, destroying her. 

Now Scarlet, who has been used and devalued and disrespected and infantilized every step of the way, her whole life, is going to start tearing down the things that held her back for so long. She just needs a plan, and with the help of a certain sleeping dragon, one begins to form. 

There's something I glossed over earlier that is so important to note, and that's how Scarlet was treated in the Grove. Now, it's been stated explicitly by Scott McGough, a narrative designer for the fame, that Scarlet emerged with lacking empathy. Low empathy doesn't make Scarlet, or anyone, a bad person. It's sometimes a symptom of autism, as well as some personality disorders, and it does affect how Scarlet is treated. As an autistic person myself, Scarlet very much reads as autistic to me, between low empathy, a one track mind, and an intense special interest in the universe and its mechanics. She has a hard time connecting with others, is easily bored by subjects that don't relate back to her special interest, can focus intently on and get caught up in her work, and doesn't really get social graces or expectations. Regardless of any diagnosis she would have if she existed in our world, Scarlet is treated differently due to her low empathy, a trait she cannot help about herself. 

From the moment she emerges in the Grove, she is treated differently. She is talked down to. Her desire to take in her first sights and how it overwhelms her is dismissed as overconfidence and rudeness. Her own brother, barely older than her, talks like he knows so much more than her. Scarlet is an outsider among her own people. How does it feel to have low empathy among a race connected to each other deeply through empathy? Probably not great. Her studies in the Grove are limited, she is treated as rude and prideful for wanting to be independent and needing space. Rather than being accommodated, rather than being understood, Scarlet is infantilized, dismissed, and disregarded. She isn't neurotypical. She was born different. She's punished for it. 

When she emerges from Omadd's Machine, made from her own hard work and creativity, Scarlet Briar is a young woman who has frequently been overlooked and rarely understood. All these thoughts and ideas, all this passion, and the only people who have ever even seemed to understand her have used and betrayed her so thoroughly. Scarlet Briar has always had to look out for and take care of herself, as a woman, as a sylvari, as someone who is neurodivergent and is in a field that doesn't respect a single aspect of her identity. The world won't accommodate her and the world won't take her seriously. So why shouldn't she show the world what she can do? Why not force everyone to recognize her for who she is? Why not give in just a little to that voice that has been calling to her in her nightmares since she left the machine? After all, it promises power and recognition and a sense of belonging. 

[giorno-plays-piano]

Your place Part 2

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader (High School AU)

Warnings: yandere, obsession, bullying, degradation, dubcon.

Words: 1776.

Summary: You suffer in the arms of America’s golden boy, the one who has been bullying you for years.

Part 1

P.S. Some more smut, finally! All characters had reached 18 years of age. Hope you’ll enjoy!

______________

"Are you going to come on Saturday?"

Steve moved his hand down your naked belly, watching you laying close to him on your bed and breathing softly. You glanced back at him, his handsome features illuminated by the dim light coming from the lamp on your nightstand.

"Where to?" You asked as he covered the back of your hand with his palm twice bigger than yours.

"The field house. We have a game."

He traced your knuckles with his fingertips and you thought how odd Steve was. Who could have thought the school's biggest bully was such a cuddle-bug after sex? It wasn't bad, though. You actually liked this side of him.

"Sure."

You weren't interested much in basketball or any other sports, but it was easier to come rather then fight Steve again. He was stubborn like a mule. Besides, a part of you felt like you belong there - many of your classmates were coming to see almost every game.

Why did Steve care whether you were there or not? Surely, he had already been showing you off in front of everyone as much as he could as if you were his trophy - now you sat close to him in class and then in cafeteria during lunch time; he was dragging you with him after classes along with his stupid friends. The whole school knew the nature of your relationship, and the first weeks it was making you bitter and hateful. Steve Rogers head fucking forced himself on you, yet instead of sympathy all you got was an enormous amount of jealousy. You were still receiving hate mailes dropped into your locker. The girls kept whispering curses behind your back as you walked down the corridors with Steve and his pack of wolves. He was able to make everyone silent, though. Now even his friends had no right to bully you like before. He reserved it purely for himself.

"Did you buy yourself a dress?"

"What dress?" You blinked in confusion. "Do I need a dress on Saturday?"

Steve smiled at you and leaned closer, pressing a kiss to your lips.

"No, kitten, I'm talking about the prom."

You rolled your eyes at his words. Of course, Steve Rogers needed to show off everywhere he possibly could - he definitely hoped to become prom king. You, on the contrary, didn't care much. In fact, you didn't want to come there at all. You hardly had any friends at school, and coming to watch Steve flashing his smile and basking in the rays of glory would only make you more irritated with him.

"No, I didn't."

"Then we could go together. I know one nice place."

"Where? 5th Avenue again?"

You smirked, watching the guy frown. Last time you went shopping together was a nightmare for you. You ended up with several bags of expensive lingerie Steve paid for, and you were disgusted at yourself for giving in to him. True, his family was twice wealtier than yours, but it didn't mean you wanted anything from him. Except for leaving you alone, that is.

"And what of it?" Rogers asked you sharply, rising above you. "If I want to buy you a dress, I will."

You sighed, turning your head to Steve and pulling your body closer against his. You learned to enjoy this intimacy with time as he taught you what making love to each other meant. You were pleasantly surprised at his efforts to make you feel good.

"Steve, please. I don't want to think of it now. It's... ruining the mood."

He purred as you caressed his blonde hair and snuggled closer to you, dropping little kisses to your face and touching your cheek affectionately. Steve loved being tender. You believed he had a real physical need to touch you one way or another, often without any sexual subtext at all. It was almost as bad as his need to bully you verbally, especially when he was aroused. You were still learning how to cope with that.

If only he didn't make those photos of you and him in the locker room that time. It was the only reason you obeyed him three months ago when he declared he wanted to keep you close. You didn't know if Steve had stored those pictures somewhere, but you weren't worried about them anymore. His obvious obsession with you would keep him from showing photos of you naked with his cock buried inside your wet cunt to the hilt. You could walk away now, yet everything wasn't as easy as before. Steve made sure to gain trust of your parents, pretending to be the perfect caring boyfriend to you and just a very good guy to everyone else. He also made you meet his parents who turned out to be surprisingly nice, nothing like their son. Steve's mother Sarah took an immediate liking to you and often sent you a huge piece of her famous raspberry pie. It was a highlight of your day when Steve handed it to you during lunch. If you broke up with him now, you were sure he'd make up some story where you were the one to blame, and it would make your life even more miserable.

"Why are we doing this, Steve?" You asked him quietly as he played with a lock of your shiny hair. When be looked back at you, you realized he knew what you were talking about.

"What do you mean?" He grunted in return.

"You know this can't last forever." You said, your voice tired. "There are only a few months left before the graduation."

You were still stroking his hair as he bit down on his plump lower lip, his eyes not leaving your face as he stared down at you from above. There was something unsettling in his gaze, something dark, even scary, but you refused to be afraid of his temper tantrums.

"We're applying to different colleges, and they're not close to each other. How do you think we can keep... this going?"

Steve struggled for words, and you saw he was getting frustrated. It was odd - he liked to use aggression as his shield, rarely showing his vulnerable side to anyone and barking off whatever accusation you threw at him. Yet here you were, looking at the guy who couldn't utter a word to answer a simple question.

Was it despair you saw on his pretty face?

"You can choose the same place, too."

"Are you joking? My family would have so sell our house to pay for my studies then." You let out a sigh.

"You can apply for a grant. With your grades it's not impossible."

"Steve, let's be realistic. You wanna go to Columbia University. Do you have any idea how many people are applying for a grant to study there?" You said and, seeing him getting more agitated, wrapped your hands around his muscular shoulders, reaching out to kiss him again.

He deepened the kiss immediately, swirling his tongue around yours and then licking the insides of your mouth when you mewled softly beneath him. The soft vibration against his lips made Steve shivered from pleasure. He spent a bit more time rolling the tip of his tongue all the way around yours and finally released you, dropping a kiss to your chin.

"If you can't make it, I'm going to apply to the same place as you." He whispered, and you felt his cock gradually getting harder. "I'm sure they'll be happy to take me."

"Steve, you're mad." You shaked your head. "What are your parents going to say? They want the best for y-"

"I don't care what they want, it's up to me to decide." The guy growled and bit your lower lip gently, lowering himself on top of you again. "You're my girl, and my girl is going with me. I still have those photos in case you forgot."

"Ah!"

You squeezed your eyes shut as his fingers touched your overstimulated clit, rubbing it skillfully as you squirmed. Your mouth fell agape as you were left gasping for air, trapped under Steve's athletic figure. Moaning at his touch, you looked at him, feverish, getting aroused again, your hands caressing his back as he smiled at you. He loved when you were a blushing mess beneath him, crying out his name as you were orgasming. No one else got to see you like this.

"I know you were a good girl today, but I want some more. You can handle it, can't you?" The guy cooed in your ear. "Come on, kitten. Show me how you mewl with my cock inside you. You're gonna mewl for me, right? Do it. Now."

You did as he said when his fingers were slowely fucking your sloppy cunt, your core aching for his dick almost painfully. Mewling softly, you kissed him again, and Steve slammed into you, muffling your high-pitched cry with his mouth  as he started rocking his hips. It felt so good, so fucking good. A wail of pleasure ripped from your throat, and Steve grinned at you.

"You're such a good little kitten, Y/N. I think next time we won't go to a restaurant, I'm just gonna give you a cat bowl full of my cum. You're gonna lick it clean, yeah? You're gonna do that for me, dear?"

"Yes, yesss, Steve." You whined as you felt your pussy kissing the base of his cock with a lewd sound. Panting and moving with Steve, you already felt one more orgasm building up, your mouth open and drooling. "I'm a good kitten, I'm a good kitten... pleaseplease Steeeeve..."

He groaned at your words, speeding up gradually and watching your eyes roll to the back of your head: he was rubbing against your g-spot to make your pussy milk his balls dry. Of, he fucking loved seeing that stupid expression on your face when you came, completely helpless, dependent on him to give you pleasure no one else could.

Steve was the one and only who could make you like this. Who the hell cared what his friends or parents said if he could hear you moaning his name beneath him whenever he liked? You were becoming more and more accepting, clinging to him when others were to mock you in public, spreading your legs for him when he cornered you in your or his own room. You grew to enjoy obeying him like a good girl you were, and Steve was going to keep you, finally, after all those long years of waiting.

He would make sure you never left his sight again.

___________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki  ​@helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin ​@lovelydarkdaydream

[dirt-cup-draco]

Sirius x Reader- Everyone But Me

Can u please do young!sirius x reader in which the reader is friends with Lily and the marauders. And in an attempt to try and see if Lily has any feelings for James, u flirt with James. And James being James goes along with it, also bc he knows Sirius likes u and he thinks it’s funny. Which does in fact not only make Lily jealous but also Sirius. Could the reader also be mega bffs with Rem please? I’m just a slut for jealous Sirius. I’m glad ur feeling better, I love you pumpkin

“I can’t believe you!” You giggled, head resting in the crook of Remus’ neck as you lost your composure. The marauders were devilish on and off the quidditch pitch and you weren’t going to tell anyone that peter had been muttering curses underneath his breath to throw off the Slytherin seeker while James worked on winning the game. 

“It was harmless, really, we would’ve won the game regardless,” Sirius chimed in, tossing his arm around you and pulling you from Remus’ side into his own as he fought back the small twang of jealousy he felt. He knew that Remus had his eye on that McKinnon girl that Lily was so fond of but he couldn’t help it. He loved that you were close with everybody he cared about. Sirius couldn’t ever fall for someone who wouldn’t give his friends a chance, but he also felt fear.

Fear that he wasn’t good enough in comparison to them. Remus was kindhearted and intelligent, possessing a calm and intelligence that Sirius thought he’d never have. Peter was in his head but he had good intentions and was cute, Sirius didn’t pull off cute well- in his own opinion that was. And then there was James Potter. James, his best friend and the golden boy of gryffindor. 

Which brought him to the whomping willow, hours later, back pressed against the dusty planks within the tree. When it wasn’t being used as a safe haven for Remus during the full moon it was a nice place for them to meet up and spend hours getting up to no good and enjoying their youth. You were all sat in a circle, you sitting directly between Remus and James, Sirius across from you. 

It was a miracle you hadn’t noticed that his eyes had been trained on you since the second you had arrived with a smug smile and firewhisky tucked behind your back to share. 

It was a miracle that Sirius didn’t notice the sly look you sent Lily’s way. You had a gleam in your eye and you finished off the cup of firewhisky you had in your hand, just enjoying the pleasant warmth that had spread through you. It was late and the whomping willow wasn’t the warmest of places as October reached its midpoint. 

“So James, brilliant play today,” You cooed, changing the subject so the focus was on James and James alone. Sirius felt sick but watched in curiosity. 

“Course it was,” James laughed but smiled back, sending a long look to Sirius, assessing him. Sirius was too stuck in his own mind to realize that he was being studied, he didn’t realize that to James the jealousy was clear. 

You watched Lily similarly, finding the way that her expression soured as she watched you, her own jealousy beaming through. Remus watched in amusement. Sirius and Lily were quite possibly the two most emotionally constipated people he had ever met in his life. 

James looked to you for a moment and your lips split into a wide grin, you winked, you actually bloody winked! Sirius felt disturbed but mainly disheartened. He didn’t like watching you express interest in James, he wanted it to be him regardless what James might feel towards you. Which seemed to be similar to your own feelings as he winked back. 

“I did it of course, for you dear Y/N,” James nearly laughed at the painful flirt that made it way past his lips. It was like trying to flirt with his sister, awkard and unnatural. You two had been stuck on a bet of sorts recently. James was adamant that Sirius was head over heels for you and you were certain Lily was begging the universe for James to make the first move, just so she didn’t have to lose her Evans pride by asking him first. 

You set your hand on James’ thigh as you talked, both egging on the other teens in the room that you fancied. It seemed to be too much for Sirius though as he hopped up from his reclined and faux relaxed position. 

“I’ve got to go,” Was all he said before he was running out. Peter looked at you all with shame and Remus snorted, hand held open for James to drop nearly a galleon’s worth of sickles into his waiting palm. Lily raised her brow in question as Marlene sipped at the firewhisky, soaking up the drama. 

“On you go then,” James directed, head jerking towards the entrance. 

You chewed your lip pensively. “I still don’t think you’re right,” 

“Our plan went just like we thought it would so what are you waiting for?” James asked and Lily’s mouth opened to ask but Remus shot her a look that told her she would be finding out very soon. 

“If you’re wrong-” You argued, nervous that Sirius wouldn’t feel the same. What if he did but didn’t now that you had been cruel? Jealousy was a feeling that tied your stomach in knots and made your heart feel like a concrete weight in your chest. If Sirius was feeling anything like that then you didn’t doubt he would be cross with your little game. 

“He’s not,” Remus reassured, hand warm on your back as he sent you an encouraging smile. “Sirius is mad for you, so go to him already.” 

You finally nodded, brushing the dust from your jeans as you chased after the boy that you hadn’t had the guts to tell how you felt without playing childish games. You hoped he wasn’t too upset. 

--

“Hey,” Your voice drifted on the icy breeze, features distorted by the moon’s light being broken up through the clouds above and Sirius froze in his tracks that had been leading anywhere that wasn’t near the whomping willow. “You left pretty quick,” 

You stood a few feet behind him with a perfect smile on your face, concerned about him. He cracked his own smile but if felt cheap and brittle. “Just needed some air, drank too much probably,” 

“You didn’t touch the firewhisky all night,” You pointed out and Sirius watched you intently.

“Guess not,” He shrugged lamely, not offering any explanation as to why he was lying to you. You understood he was hurt, or at least feeling inadequate, and it was up to you to make the first step. 

“Want to talk about it?” You asked, not quite sure what to do now.

“Nothing to talk about,” He couldn’t help the bitter tone. Why tell you how he felt when you clearly fancied James? Why else would you be all over his friend? But... that begged another question. Why were you here and not with James when you had both seemed to be enjoying each other’s flirting? 

“Alright then,” You said, smile stiff but you didn’t seem deterred as you grabbed Sirius’ hand in yours. “If you don’t have something to say, then I do. I’m sorry,” You opened your mouth to say more but it seemed stuck in your throat. 

Sirius could feel your palm, sweaty against his own as you struggled for words. “You’re sorry?” He prompted, not sure why you were apologizing. Your cheeks were red but he chalked it up the buzz and the chill in the air that was pricking at his own skin and undoubtedly battling the sweater you wore and winning. You shivered. 

“I’m sorry for being an idiot, I didnt mean to make you jealous-” 

“I wasn’t jealous!” Sirius immediately squeaked, face hot. 

You laughed. Sirius winced. 

“Whatever you and James are it’s cool, I’m not jealous,” He defended again, shielding his own emotions from you. You were still laughing! Was this funny to you? Sirius tore his hand from yours, making his way back towards the school. 

“Siri!” You sighed, realizing you once again had shared too little. “James and I aren’t anything! It was a trick, a prank, really! I was trying to get Lily to admit she liked James and he was doing the same to you.... Both of us are idiots,” 

Sirius stood still once again but he was almost too nervous to face you as you caught back up to him. “What’s the point? Why make a mockery of us?” 

“I-it wasn’t supposed to be that... I don’t want to mock you, I want you to know I like you, a lot,” 

Sirius scoffed. “Funny way of showing it,” Yet, his defenses had fallen with that one blow. Y/N liked him? Surely she couldn’t mean it. 

“I know,” You sighed, fingers intertwining with his once more as you tugged him to face you, his eyes darting around as he refused to make eye contact. He was trying to keep from looking hopeful in case this was still just one big joke. 

“Why?” He asked.

“I told you silly, because I like you and I’m an idiot and-” 

“No,” Sirius cut you off. “I mean, why me? Why not James? He’s- well he’s just better... Honestly, anyone would be better than me. I like you, oh merlin, I like you, Y/N-”

“But?” You encouraged.

“But you deserve better and anyone else would be a better match...” Sirius continued, trying to keep the hurt out of his tone. “I thought for a while you liked Remus and now James and I- Well I thought you liked everyone but me.” 

To anyone that wasn’t you or the marauders, Sirius would sound indifferent as he admitted his own low self esteem. To you, however, you realized just how stupid it was to make Sirius sit in his self doubt to try and get him to say he liked you instead of just admitting it yourself. 

“James is like my brother,” You wrinkled your nose in mock disgust. “I couldn’t ever feel that way about him! It’s always been you Sirius, I don’t care about anyone else the way I care about you. Remus is my best friend and James and Peter are like my annoying siblings, but that is all. You mean far more to me,” 

Sirius blinked slowly. “But I’m-” 

“Perfect,” You smiled. “In every way,” 

Sirius felt like he’d been punched. 

“So,” You blushed. “All that being said, would you do me the honor of letting me make up for my mistake and take you on a date?” 

Sirius beamed, kissing your knuckles as he squeezed your hand in response. “How could I deny you the honor of going on a date with all this?” He motioned to himself, his false confidence blurring with real confidence as he tried to process that you actually liked him! 

“Can I ask one thing though?” He chimed in after a moment of charged silence. 

“Of course,” You let go of the breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. 

“Please, never do that again,” Sirius laughed weakly.

You agreed and pulled him into a tight hug, only pulling away when the rest of your friends found you some odd minutes later, stuck in a cozy embrace.

That weekend, you and Sirius, as well as James and Lily, had a lovely double date. The kiss you’d given him after had told Sirius all he need to know. It was him and only him and had been for quite some time. All was well.  

[dontcare77ghj]

Choice

Steve x reader x Bucky

Note: I’m not very good at staying gone.

When everyone was born, somewhere on their body was the name of their soul mate. The person who was supposed to be your perfect match. In your case, when you had been born you had two names. Born with two perfect matches. Featured on your collar bone were the names James Barnes and Steven Rogers.

As you’d come to understand what the names meant, you found yourself constantly studying their names. James name was written in his swirly handwriting, every letter was connected by loops and swirls. But Stevens handwriting was easier to read. It was very simple print, that almost seemed to slant to the side.

The handwriting made you wonder who they were as people. Made you wonder what they would be like when you met them.

Before her death, your mother had made sure you always covered your names. It was uncommon, but not unheard of, for anyone to have more than one name and there were people who did discriminate those with more than one name.

It was 2010, you were 25 and living in Chicago, studying at the university of Chicago. You had finished classes for the day and all you wanted was to go home, change, and eat some cold ramen. Locking your door behind you, you made a beeline for your bedroom wanting to complete part two of your plan.

You’d just thrown off your sweater, leaving you in your jeans and singlet, when a hand wrapped around your mouth and nose and another around your waist.

A scream escaped your throat as you struggled against the hands holding you. Your captor let out a deep grunt before saying something in another language. From the corner of your eye you saw a tall man walk towards you with a needle in hand.

The man held you tighter to him as the other stepped closer. You’d barely had time to flinch before the second man held your neck in place and injected the needle. The effects were almost instantaneous as your body became heavy.

The last thing you heard as your body sagged in the first man’s grip was,

“Hail HYDRA.”

When you awoke you couldn’t move. You were crouched into a sitting position. Lifting your arms, you saw your wrists and elbows bound together with zip ties, after a quick assessment you noticed your legs were bound in a similar way.

You let out a muffled whimper when you finally realized where you were. You had been bundled into a crate. And it was moving.

You weren’t sure how long you were in the box. You weren’t sure where you were going. You were having a hard-enough time quelling a panic attack to try and focus on anything else.

The box stopped moving for a second as you heard what you assumed to be a large door opening and you were placed down.

“Soldat. Postaraysya ne slomat’ yeye.” You heard before the door slammed, causing you to flinch. You held your breath, willing yourself not to move an inch as you heard footsteps moving towards you.

You slammed your eyes shut as the lid of the crate was opened. A pitiful whimper escaped you when a pair of arms reached in and lifted you out of the crate.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” A deep voice said into your ear as you were placed down. Slowly, you risked opening your eyes to see a brunette man kneeling in front of you. “Did anyone hurt you?” He asked, taking the gag out of your mouth.

You didn’t say anything, instead opting to shake your head.

“You don’t have to be scared of me, Y/N.” He said, taking out a knife and cutting the ties binding your legs.

“How, how do you know my name?” You whispered, watching intently as he released you. The man didn’t say anything as he lifted his sleeve to reveal your name. “So, which are you? Steven or James?” You asked as he freed your wrists.

“I don’t know.” He said, rubbing your wrists in his hands. “I don’t know.”

Winter. You couldn’t keep calling your soul mate, ‘The man’, and so the two of you decided you’d call him Winter.

Winter had explained everything to you that day. He’d been there for years, often being frozen for decades at a time, and his mind had been wiped every time they believed he was remembering anything of his old life.

Winter didn’t know his name. He knew he had two soul mates, you being one of them, but he didn’t know if his other soul mate was James or Steven because HYDRA had removed the arm with their name.

He’d screwed up on a previous mission before they’d taken you. His handler had decided that the best way to keep him under control was to bring you here. You were to be his reward and his punishment. If anything went wrong from now on, you would be punished but if he did as he was told you would be kept safe.

The first few months had been awkward between the two of you. You didn’t know how to interact with him. Yes, he was your soul mate but a part of you was angry because he was the reason you were HERE. He was the reason you were now living in hell. It was only after he’d returned from a mission bleeding from multiple areas that your interactions changed.

At first, your interactions were making sure the other was okay. Whether it be after one of his missions gone ‘well’ and you’d help him with any injuries or when a mission would go bad, he would patch you up and whenever either of you would wake up screaming in the night, you’d be there for the other.

As time went on your interactions continued to change from ‘room mates’ to friends and now to lovers. He was your soul mate; he didn’t choose for this to happen. It was not his fault.

You’d been tapped in this hell hole for what you assumed to be three and a half years. Time was almost non-existent in your windowless cell but you’d tried to keep track of your time here. You wondered some days, if anyone was still looking for you.

“Winter? What are you doing?” You murmured, sitting up in bed to see him staring at the wall. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m okay, kotenok.” He assured you, giving you a small smile. “Just thinking.”

“Care to share?” You asked, resting your head on his shoulder. Winters arm wrapped around your shoulders and pulled you in closer.

“I have another mission tomorrow.” He said after a minute. “They want to take you too.”

“Why? They’ve never brought me along on one of your missions.” You said confused.

“They said this was a special target. That this way, I’d remember the consequences if I couldn’t do it.” Winter told you, arm squeezing you tightly.

“Pretend I’m not there.” You said, taking his metal hand in yours. “This is a normal mission and all you need to do is get the job done and not get hurt.”

There would be so many people who would find some offense with what you just said. Winters purpose in this hell hole was to kill those he was told to and before you joined him in this hole, if he didn’t, he would be hurt.

You hated that his job here was to kill but it wasn’t as if you could ask him to quit. It didn’t work like that; you would rather he came back to you alive and uninjured.

“I never wanted this for you.” Winter murmured. “I never wanted you brought into this all.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your choice.” You said, pressing a kiss onto his shoulder. “We don’t have any choices here.” You added now joining him in his blank staring at the wall adjacent.

Winters information had not been wrong. The day after the two of you stared blankly at your cells wall, he had been taken for a mission and you had been brought with him.

The two of you had been brought to a HYDRA safe house, along with two other men who only spoke Russian. You were in New York. Before being taken, you’d had a jar of loose change on your mantle to visit the city.

You never thought you’d visit this way.

You’d been in New York for almost a week. You weren’t sure what Winter had been doing during his days. His days were spent away from you and during your nights he refused to speak of his job.

It was day six of being in New York. Winter had left at the crack of dawn with one of the Russian men. This was routine at this point, he would leave with one man and leave you behind with the other. You didn’t know who he was all you knew was he didn’t speak Russian and he had a gun on him constantly.

You were sitting on the small mattress you and Winter had been sharing for a week, reading a book you’d found in the house, when the man’s phone pinged.

“Chyort!” He yelled, throwing his phone and barrelling towards you. His hand buried itself in your hair and dragged you into a standing position. A short shriek of pain left you before you silenced yourself as he placed a knife on your neck.

You weren’t sure how long you stayed in that position facing the door. Any time you so much as breathed too deeply; the knife would be pushed deeper into your neck.

Everything happened so fast.

There was suddenly a loud gunshot, warm liquid sprayed your back and dripped from your neck. The man behind you collapsed loudly to the floor and your hand reached up and clutched your now bleeding neck.

“Kotenok!” You heard over the ringing in your ears. Towels were wrapped around your neck and you look up to see Winter. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know he had you. I didn’t know he’d cut you.” He said, placing your hands on your neck. “I have to fix this. Hold that tightly.”

Winter quickly grabbed a first aid kit and quickly got to work.

“It’s not that deep, you don’t need a hospital.” He assured you, closing the shallow wound.

“Winter, what’s going on?” You choked out and coughed harshly.

“Try not to talk too much, kotenok.” Winter said, rubbing your back. “We need to get out of here. And quickly.”

“Winter. You need to talk to me.” You said as the two of you stood. His hand gripped yours as the two of you began running out of the door.

“James.” Winter told you.

“What?” You asked as the two of you continued to run.

“I remember, I’m James.”

The two of you had run that day. Winter, James, had forced the two of you to run as far as you could before night hit. You’d ended up in a warehouse complex just as the sun had set.

“He knew me. The target he knew me. It was Steven.” James told you that night as the two of you sat huddled together. “I’ve been remembering little things from the past, my past, these past few days.” He admitted.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You croaked.

“I didn’t want the agents to hear. They would’ve wiped me again. I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I didn’t kill him.”

“I know.” You said, pressing your face into his shoulder.

“I made the choice not kill him.”

“I know.”

“I made the choice.”

“I’m so proud of you.” You whispered, leaning over to kiss him. “You know they’re going to come after us.”

“They won’t find us.” He promised you, pulling you in closer. “They'll never find us again.”

Eight months. The two of you had been running for eight months. You stole clothes and money from wherever you could. James found someone to make you both new ids and you’d flown to Romania.

The two of you had argued for a while as to whether or not you’d find Steven. You both wanted to find him, you wanted to meet him, but in the end the two of you agreed it was far too dangerous to go and find him.

It had been two months since you’d found a place to live. It was a crummy, one room apartment in a rundown area but it was better than the cell you’d shared for three years.

“Are you sure you can’t stay in bed?” You whined, watching James get dressed.

“I’m sure, kotenok.” He smiled, slipping a red long sleeve over his head. “The woman who owns the fruit stand said she’ll pay me to fix her tables.”

“Mrs Lakatos.” You reminded him.

“Yes, Mrs Lakatos. It’ll be some extra money to add to our squirrel fund.” He said. “We’re not going to be able to stay here much longer.”

“I know. I get to choose this time.” You smiled, stretching on the mattress.

“Do I get to know your list?” James asked, slipping on his jacket and gloves. “Tell me we’re at least going to be on Earth?”

“Yes, we'll be on Earth.” You rolled your eyes. “I promise I’ll pitch my list once I've narrowed it down a bit more.” Standing up you pressed yourself into his chest. “Now go, Mrs Lakatos will kill you if you’re late.”

“She won’t kill me. She’ll throw fruit at me and make me pay for it.” He laughed, pressing his lips to yours. “While I’m gone, think about trying to sleep for me.” He said, his thumb tracing the dark circles under your eyes.

“I’ll think about it.” You nodded. “Be careful, Winter.”

“Always am, kotenok.” He said. “’ll be back soon. I love you.”

“Love you too.” You called as he left. You locked the door and checked the windows were secured before you crawled back into the sleeping bag.

Non-reader POV

Two months after the attack

The avengers had a rule. They had a lot of rules but there was one rule they all agreed upon and did their best not to break. Soul mates are sacred. No matter what, as a team they all agreed to help each other when it came to soul mates.

Soul mates were to be protected.

So, when Steve came to the team begging for their help in locating Bucky and his other soul mate, Y/N, the team eagerly agreed.

They’d been searching and destroying HYDRA bases for two months non-stop. So far, their search for information on Steve’s soul mates had turned up empty handed but the up side was they were destroying HYDRA one base at time.

“Rogers I just became our favourite person.” Natasha said over the coms.

“Unlikely.” Tony scoffed. “Bruce and I just found files that will make his day.”

“You know what’s better than files? Videos.” Natasha said. “Security footage to be exact.”

“We can talk about your contest later.” Steve interrupted. “Get what you need to get and get out of there now.”

“Feel like we just got scolded by a teacher.” Tony commented.

“I can still hear you, Tony.” Steve sighed.

“That was the point, Rogers.”

Half an hour later the team were on the quinjet and leaving behind a burning Hydra building. Natasha was loading onto the screen the security footage as Tony handed over the files to Steve.

“There’s files that date back to days after he fell from the train up until two months ago. After his attack on you, he disappeared along with her.” Tony said, tapping a photo of Y/N attached to the file. “There’s brief notes on Y/N throughout the years before 2010, looks like they were keeping tabs on her from since she was born. In 2010 is where the notes become files.”

“They took her.” Steve said, a lump in throat as he scanned through the pages.

“On October 17th.” Natasha cut in. Without another word she pressed a key on her computer and the security footage played for the team. They all watched as two men carried a crate in Bucky’s cell. “Soldier, try not to break her.” Natasha translated.

Steve felt the lump in his throat rise as he watched Bucky free their terrified soul mate. His eyes stung as he watched her flinch at Bucky’s touch and when Bucky confessed to not knowing who he was.

Natasha showed a few more tapes that showed both Y/N and Bucky’s treatment at the base before Steve began aggressively flipping through the files in hand.

“What’cha doing there, Cap?” Clint asked, eyeing the blonde cautiously.

“Trying to find out who authorised it. Y/N’s kidnapping, their torture, all of it, so I can kill them.” Steve stated, still flipping.

“That’s not the most patriotic thing to say, Cap.” Tony said.

“Not Captain America talking.” Steve said, looking up and right at the man. “This is all Steve Rogers.”

Steve only had two things on his mind. Kill those who had hurt his soul mates and find Y/N and Bucky.

Reader POV

Now

A knock on the door jolted you awake. James had a key; James didn’t have a need to knock. You were much more awake and alert as you grabbed the gun from under the mattress and pushed yourself into the corner opposite your bed.

You did not move or make a sound as you watched with baited breath to see if the door would open. You heard the footsteps move away but you stayed in your position. Staying proved to be the correct decision as you heard the door begin to be picked.

You watched as the door opened and a red headed woman and blonde man entered.

“Don’t move.” You said as the man shut the door behind him. Both looked in your direction and raised their hands for you to see.

“We’re not here to hurt you.” The woman said. The blonde moved to take a step but you unclicked the safety and he stopped.

“We’re not going back.” You said, swallowing harshly against your heart in your throat as your finger moved to the trigger.

“Steven Rogers.” The blonde suddenly said. Your attention turned to him at the mention of your other soul mate. “My name is Steven Grant Rogers, but I prefer Steve.”

“Prove it.” You snapped, hand instantly reaching up to rub the man’s name on your neck. The man, ‘Steve’, slowly lowered his hands and pulled down his sleeves. Written on his arms was James Barnes and Y/N L/N.

“Believe me now?” He gave you a small smile. You nodded slowly but did not lower your gun. “This is my friend Natasha, we’re here to help you.”

“Who do you work for and how did you find us?” You asked, lowering the gun but not clicking the safety back on. “Were you followed?”

“You don’t have to worry about anyone following us.” Natasha said. “We have people watching the building and no one saw us come in.”

You let out a sigh before clicking the safety on and putting it on the bed. “How did you find us?” You repeated, crossing your arms over chest.

“Friends with a billionaire with technology that tracks people’s faces.” Steve shrugged. “I’ve been looking for you for months.”

Natasha then said she had to go but she’d ensure no-one of suspicious character would enter the building. Steve bid his friend goodbye and locked the door behind her as you sat on the bed.

“I was for finding you when we got out.” You said to the silent man. “I’d spent years studying your chicken scratch and all I’d wanted was to find you but Winter made a good argument about how we’d just put you in danger.”

“I don’t think you’d put me in any more danger than I do myself.” Steve said moving towards you.

“Well they ordered a hit on you, so we assumed you’d get hurt if we were around.” You shrugged, playing with your fingers. “It’s not been too bad; I now know things about you from before this.” You gestured to his muscles.

“He told you about me being a twig?” Steve chuckled.

“You sounded like a cute twig.” You smiled. “Though from what I’ve heard you could be a whiny little stick.”

“Jesus.” Steve laughed.

“How much do you know about what happened to us?” You asked after a minute.

“Everything.”

“Then you’ll know we're really fucked up.” You said, not looking away from your hands. “And not really worth it.”

“I don’t believe that.” Steve said, shifting closer and taking one of your hands in his. “I really don’t think that.”

“You never were good at listening to warning signs, were you?” Winter said from behind you. “We are broken.”

“You’ve been through hell and back, but that doesn’t make you broken.” Steve said, looking at Winter and then at you.

“I’m a former assassin who has very little memories of much.” Winter scoffed, sitting on the couch opposite you.

“I have crippling anxiety and was kidnapped to be his insurance.” You added.

“We both wake up screaming more nights than not.” He nodded.

“The nights there’s no screaming is because most of time neither of us are sleeping, instead we’re watching the door.”

“We were tortured for years. And neither of us think we’re ever going to stop running.” James finished. “We’re broken, Steve, you don’t need us in your life.”

“Not in the least.” You agreed.

“I don’t agree with any of those statements.” Steve shook his head. “I think you’re both alive and you’ve experienced things no one should ever have to, but that does not mean you are broken. I’ve been trying to find you both for months because all I’ve ever wanted was to be with the two of you, to love the two of you, and I’m not going to leave without either of you.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“And I’m not the man you remember.”

“I look forward to getting to know both of you then. This is your choice in the end. It is your choice if you come with me. If you choose not to come with me, I will let you go. I will not chase after you and I will let you go.

But if you come with me, I will make it my life’s mission to protect you. I will be there to help you remember, to make you feel safe. If you come with me no one will ever hurt you like that again. I will make it my life’s mission to make you feel safe and to love you. But it is your choice.”

You and James shared a long, silent, look. You gave him a smile and he then nodded.

“I think that we’ve made our choice.”

“Stevie you’re staring again.” You mumbled, not opening your eyes yet. “It’s creepy.”

“It’s called gazing and it’s romantic.” He said, running his fingers down your spine. “And you love it.”

It had been two years since your decision. Steve had brought the two of you to New York. For the first few weeks, the two of you were quite anxious about it all. You were living in New York, in the Avengers tower, it was not the most inconspicuous of decisions.

Steve had noticed the signs of paranoia you both shared and it was only when he’d sat down with the two of you, that your anxiety was quelled.

Steve had killed Pierce and Rumlow. He’d also killed a lot of members of the organisation. They were still out there but the two people who had put you through hell were dead.

It was after living in the tower for nearly six months you’d decided to finish your degree. You’d finished up online Steve and Bucky were your biggest supporters. Bucky gained back a lot of his memories from the forties. There were still many things he could not remember but you and Steve always cautioned him not to strain himself.

It was not all roses though.

You and Winter weren’t exaggerating when you said you were fucked up. There were till nights were you both woke up screaming. Days when the memories were too much and you couldn’t find the will to move. But the three of you helped each other.

Steve never seemed to regret finding you both. He never ran. And he never wavered on his promise.

“I do.” You hummed, burying your chest into his chest. “Where’s Winter?”

“I think he’s in the kitchen.” Steve said, making you groan. “He’s not that bad a cook.” He chuckled.

“That’s because you have a super solider stomach.” You said, sitting up. “Let’s save Stark’s kitchen.” You sighed, running a hand through your hair.

“Don’t want to deal with a whiny Tony.” Steve agreed.

“Hey Steve, did you mean what you said last night?” You asked.

“I said a few things last night, sweetheart.” Steve said, pushing a lock of hair behind your ear. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“About the list.” You giggled, leaning into his hand.

“Of course, I did. I don’t care how many places you write down onto that list, I don’t even care if one of them is Mars, I want to take you and Buck wherever you want to go.” He promised, leaning down to kiss you gently.

“I love you.” You whispered against his lips.

“I love you too sweetheart.” He smiled.

“Hey, if anyone asks  there’s always been a hole in this pan, okay?” Bucky yelled, breaking the moment. “That’s the story we're going with, right?”

“Save the kitchen.” You nodded at Steve who sighed but nodded.

As the two of you moved out of the bedroom Steve turned to you with a smile. 

"While I save the kitchen, you get to choose what you want for breakfast."

There was a time where you and James had no choice in your lives, but since running the had been full of choices. Those choices had led you to Steve and to your new family.

Taglist

@rvgrsbrns @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @hopingforbarnes @skeletoresinthebasement @agent-barnes40 @starlingelliot @smilexcaptainx @jelly-fishy-babie @reann-loves-sebstan

Coming soon

Dean x reader x Cas

Tony x reader x Bruce

Natasha x reader x Wanda

Tony x reader x Steve

Meg x reader x Cas

Wanda x reader x Vision

[dakotacrisis]

Hanging in the Stars

Soooo...I’m back at the Felinette again cause as we’ve established before I have no self control. Also @emzurl‘s art sparks a need to expand with fanfiction because I have fallen down the Felinette rabbit hole and I ain’t coming out!

Based off of this and this and this. I already wrote one based on one of these but I’m bringing it all together now!

War has broken out between Felix and Marinette. The only way to peace is through invasion of personal space.

---

It was Romeo and Juliet. Those that didn’t even read the play knew the Shakespearean tragedy.

Miss Bustier’s class had finished reading it and she opened the discussion for what her students thought an accurate interpretation of the play was. Little did anyone know the storm this question would unleash.

Marinette had raised her hand and gave her piece about how she thought it was a beautiful tragedy about a poisonous hatred conquered by love. Most of the class nodded along.

Then from the back of the classroom was a deep groan. Marinette went ramrod straight as she turned around to glare at the opposed.

“Felix, you have a different interpretation?” Miss Bustier asked.

“Yes.” He met Marinette’s glare, “To brand this tale a beautiful tragedy is to scrape the mere surface. When in actuality it is better suited as a cautionary tale about the stupidity of youth and trappings of shallow lust.”

“Thank you, Felix.” Miss Bustier nodded, “That was an interesting interpretation. Did anyone else have any ideas?”

“How can you say it is about the stupidity of youth?” Marinette countered, “The shallow lust you claim was actually real love. It only seemed rushed because it had to be introduced quickly to fit the run time of the play.”

“I am not surprised a hopeless romantic such as yourself would choose to believe in the delusion of love at first sight.” Felix rolled his eyes, “What Romeo and Juliet are experiencing is physical attraction that was further exacerbated by a juvenile sense of teenage rebellion brought on by their ancestor’s feud.”

“And I am not in the least surprised that a cynic such as yourself would take such a stance.” Marinette shot back, “Yes their feelings come on quickly but in the context of this story love at first sight does exist. It was a destiny written in the stars that they should love and their love should end in tragedy. Throughout the entire play there are references to the theme of the universe. They know the force that brought them together will inevitably drive them apart but still they beg the cosmos to let them be.”

“Or is it that destiny does not exist. There is no grand plan or greater meaning to the lives of others. We simply float through life experiencing hardships and pleasures. These two idiots were as made for each other as a fast food commercial saying that burgers and fries are a perfect pairing.” Felix stood out of his seat.

“I refuse to believe that everything is left to chance. There are some things in this world that are meant to be and Shakespeare understood that.” Marinette was out of her chair as well. “A feud started long ago that is buried with love. What better metaphor is there for destiny and tragedy and the delicate nature of life and love?”

“I can think of one.” Alya said with a knowing smile.

“Okay kids!” Miss Bustier called out. “I think that is enough for today. We will pick up on this tomorrow.”

The class cooled down from the debate. Marinette was seething but turned away to gather her things. Why was she getting so worked up about Felix’s opinion on a play anyway? That wasn’t like her. But to hear such a pessimistic outlook on one of the greatest love stories ever written had triggered her in a way. Should she have really thought more from the pessimist himself?

“Girl,” Alya slid closer to Marinette, “Things got a tad heated there. Any particular reason?”

“Felix just rubs me the wrong way. The pompous, cold hearted, little cynic that he is.” Marinette swung her bag onto her shoulders.

“Pompous? Yes. Cold hearted? Also yes.” Felix strode past their desk, “But I am a realist, Dupain-Cheng. Not a cynic. Get your facts right.”

“You arrogant son of a--”

“Whoa girl. Calm down.” Alya held her back. “Don’t let him get to you.”

---

Felix couldn’t deny that he didn’t enjoy some good conflict. He lived for debates. And debating with Dupain-Cheng had been interesting to say the least. She had already proved herself a spigot of emotion and thus her views and arguments were strongly driven by her own conviction.

As much as she tried to remain good natured and level headed there was an unquenchable fire within her. And Felix relished nothing more than fanning the flames when given the chance. Maybe it was the fact that she was one of the few genuinely intelligent people in his class. Maybe it was the fact that she was conniving under her fluffy persona. But Dupain-Cheng had a grace and composure that burned bright and made her tower high with confidence. It was...fascinating.

Not that he would ever admit such a thing. He knew exactly how she would respond if she ever found out Felix had been riling her up to glimpse the unwavering girl he quietly admired. Was his avoidance at her reaction born from shame or fear? Perhaps both.

The days went by and the debates he held with Dupain-Cheng grew. His pleasure hidden by an impassive mask he crafted over many years.

It wasn’t until she started ignoring him altogether did his behavior seem to catch up to him. In his head their debates and jabs had all been in good fun. A game of teasing or whatnot. But now she wouldn’t respond. The fire he loved to see had smouldered. She looked tired. Even when he targeted her directly she wouldn’t so much as meet his gaze. The most he could get out of her was a sharp word or a harsh glance.

Had he gone too far?

“Dupain-Cheng.” He walked up to her before class. “I need to talk to you.”

“I don’t feel like getting into another argument with you, Felix.” She continued to rifle through her locker. Her back to turned to him as she spoke.

“I’m not here to argue with you.”

“That’d be a first.” She muttered.

He reached past her and closed the locker. He kept his arm against the locker effectively pinning her in place so she couldn’t easily run off. “I mean it. There is something I need to tell you.”

She turned slowly so that she was facing him and it was at this point he realized exactly how close he had gotten. Her face was barely a breath away staring up at him. A mad blush rising hot up her neck as she clung tightly to her books.

“What do you want?” She asked.

“I...” Felix couldn’t remember. The speech he had carefully prepared and worded had erased itself from his memory. What is it he had wanted to say!

“Marinette, can I copy your homework? I completely forgot to finish that worksheet from chemistry last night.” Alya came around the corner and saw her best friend pinned against her locker by Felix. “Or should I give you two a minute to sort this out?”

“Alya!” Marinette slid out from Felix and joined her friend. “Good morning! What was this about your homework?”

Felix was still frozen in place by the lockers. What was that! He’s better than this! He’s more composed than this! A pair of bluebell eyes will not unhinge him again.

Not to worry. They had a free period today. Marinette had a habit of using that period to study by herself so he would get to her then. He just needed to keep a level head and not get distracted like he did this morning.

Free period came and everyone trickled out of the classroom. Marinette stayed seated. Now was his chance.

“Dupain-Cheng,” He stopped at the desk next to her. “Got a minute?”

“No.” She pulled out her textbook. “Can you leave? I’m trying to study.”

“And I will leave you to it in a moment. I need a quick word with you. That’s all.”

“No offense, Felix, but I really don’t care about what it is you have to say to me.” She stood up, “And since you won’t leave I guess I’ll have to.”

“Dupain-Cheng, wait.” He called out to her.

She stopped and turned back to look at him. “What?”

“Come here.” he gestured.

“Why should I?” she raised her chin defiantly.

“Fine then.” He crossed over to her. “I’ll just come to you.”

“Okay, you’re here. Now what?” She muttered. Her eyes still met his own but it was a struggle to do so. The warm glow on her cheeks didn’t escape his notice either.

His face was blank but his heart beat painfully loud in his chest. Say something. Say anything! You got her here and you probed this close into her personal space already you need to say something!

“Now I’m going to...” He pushed even closer. The subtle pink of her face exploding into a hot red as he inclined nearer.

Where was he going with this? This wasn’t the plan! Swerve, Felix! Swerve!

“Remove this from your hair.” He pulled a leaf that had been caught in her hair.

He turned towards the garbage can to throw it away. “You really must be more attentive miss Dupain-Cheng. Appearance is everything.”

She made a loud angry growling sort of noise before stomping out the door. Felix stared at the leaf in his hand with a growing sense of dread. What was wrong with him? Two times he lost his sense of direction trying to talk to her. Why was he getting so close to her in the first place? Before he was trying to keep her in place so she had to listen to him. But here she was already listening.

Whatever. This was stupid. Dupain-Cheng would be back to her usual spitfire self in no time. It wasn’t his fault.

He left to go clear his head in the library. There was a secluded spot away from the usual noise he loved to sit and study in. On his way he passed by Dupain-Cheng who glared at him. Her face still bright red from their earlier encounter.

He couldn’t help the smirk that crept onto his face as he walked past her. He settled down in his corner and pulled out the travel copy of Romeo and Juliet he had been reading. He had an essay to write and needed to find which quotes he wanted to include.

Romeo: Is love a tender thing? it is too rough, too rude, too boisterous; and it pricks like thorn.

Mercutio: If love be rough with you, be rough with love; Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.--

“HEY!”

The shout pulled Felix from his work. He gazed up just in time to see Dupain-Cheng descend upon him in a fury. Slamming her hand against the wall next to him trapping him in place much like he had done her this morning.

She was so small though. It would be only too easy to move her and escape to somewhere more secluded but her unwavering gaze kept him in place.

“Do you like it when I invade your personal space uninvited?” She snarled at him, “Huh, smart guy?”

“I do.” The words leapt past his lips without thought.

His eyes grew wide as he searched for something else to say. What was wrong with him? Before he couldn’t get out two words to her and now the two words he chose were damning to his unforeseen intentions. Why was he acting like this?

She backed away from him. Her face a mask of embarrassment and regret. Felix’s own visage was no better. His indifference peeled away to reveal his own embarrassment and excitement from the event.

“I’m--I’m sorry,” she stammered. Her mortification hidden behind her hands. “I don’t know what came over me. I just wanted to make you as uncomfortable as you made me.”

“I uh,” Felix cleared his throat, “I see.”

He took a deep breath to compose himself and set his book down. He inched a step closer towards her. He wouldn’t get up close again. His mind would surely short circuit once more.

“It was never my intention to make you uncomfortable. I only wished you to listen and I feared any other way you may have walked away.” He told her.

“What is it you have to say that I need to listen to?” she kept her eyes locked on the ground. “I already said once I don’t want to argue with you anymore, Felix.”

“I like it when you argue with me.” He answered truthfully. “Debating with you is some of the most and only fun I have in this school.”

“Why though? Why me?”

“Do you really believe that anyone else can hold such intelligent passion?” He asked. She met his eyes once again and he sighed. “You are clever and you have conviction. It is a rare treat to see you bring both to the surface in such an entertaining way. I suppose that it was greedy of me to probe you for my own amusement. You were such an optimist I didn’t think your well of patience and drive could run dry.”

“You constantly got into arguments with me because you wanted to see me get mad?” Her eyebrows knit together.

“The situation is more nuanced than that but to be black and white about it, yes. I guess I was making you angry for my pleasure.”

“That is rather selfish.” her gaze hardened, “Did you not once think of how it made me feel? Having to constantly battle your arrogant opinions? It was all rather exhausting.”

“You left me rather winded after a row as well.” Felix smirked. He crept another step closer. She watched him wearily but didn’t make a move to distance herself. “As firm as I believe it was hard to not get sucked into your point of view. You speak so passionately to stand against you is a chore in and of itself. One I both loathe and look forward to.”

“You are a real piece of work. You know that?”

“A masterpiece?” he quipped with a teasing smile.

She made a small snorting sound that struck Felix to the bone. She was laughing. Genuinely laughing because of him.

“If you say so.” She fiddled with the hem of her shirt.

“From now on I’ll leave our debates strictly in the classroom. Agreed?” He held out a hand to her.

“Agreed.” She took his hand firmly and shook.

A bit of daring flooded his system and he pulled her forward bringing her hand up to his face and left a chaste kiss upon it. Her face was flushed that mad red again. “I look forward to our next bout, Dupain-Cheng.”

[ilovesausagerollsandchocolate]

Thank you for the tag @theageofsims!

Rules:  1. Pick a sim of your choice

2. Tell us about them

3. Tag someone else (if you want to!)

Name: John Anderson

How old is your sim? Late 50s/early 60s

When is your sim’s birthday? I’m not actually sure when it is haha, so I’ll use Harrison Ford’s birthday (who this character is based on) which is July 13th 

What is your sim’s zodiac sign? He would therefore be a Cancer 

Martial Status: He was very happily married to his wife Joanne and they also had a daughter but very sadly they both were murdered in a house fire which he’s now investigating. He is devastated by their deaths but deep down he will always be married to Joanne despite her death. He just loves her too much!

Does your sim have any nicknames? No I don’t think so, apart from him being called grumpy John where he used to work. 

Do they have a job? If so what is it?  He’s a Detective Inspector, and he’s always been a workaholic and claims he loves his job, but recently it’s all caught up with him how much pain and illness this job had caused him over the years and he’s devastated it’s lead to his family being killed and having to work on their case and his friend’s case after his friend was shot in front of him 2 years prior to his families’ deaths. Working too much and stress has also caused him to suffer more than 1 heart attack and he really isn’t too well anymore.

Where does your sim live? A rural midlands village/town in the UK.

Who does your sim live with? Used to live with his wife (daughter moved out to go to work but visited often) but now he’s living with Abby Sullivan, a detective who’s helping him out and working on the case too. 

What environment did your sims grow up in? It was loving but became quite tense when his bother Robbie started becoming jealous and aggressive towards him. 

What are your sim’s favorite food? He hates everything these days, but normally he loves any kind of pasta dish.

What is your sim’s favorite drink? Water (I know haha) because he barely drinks anything and he usually has water when he gulps his pills down, he also should lay off caffeine because of his heart condition

If they have one what is your sim’s favorite color? Green, black, grey and brown

Is your sim introverted or extroverted? He’s most likely introverted and likes to keep himself to himself but he’ll shout happily (or angrily rather) at any criminal who’s being difficult.

What is your sims favorite woohoo position? I’m not actually sure haha, I’ll have to ask him!

Is your sim a pet person? He loves dogs and cats, he doesn’t own one at the moment, but is thinking about it to help with his grief and loss. 

Does your sim have a best friend? He used to be best friends with his colleague Reg who was sadly shot in front of him on duty 2 years ago which he still has flashbacks from. Of course he was best friends with his beloved wife Joanne and loved his daughter very much. Now he’s become friends with Abby who has helped him a lot and also has remained good friends with a colleague Matt who visits him often. 

What is/was your sim’s favorite school subject? He enjoyed English literature and some science, particularly when he became interested in joining the police as the forensic side of science started to become relevant to the work he was drawn to. He also had interests in criminology but didn’t do a full degree, he joined the police and worked himself up.

Are they planning to go or have they already been to college? He went to college to study courses he was interested in but didn’t go to university, he joined the police, as mentioned above.

What are your sims political beliefs? John literally despises every politician to have ever walked the land and hates the government haha! He has no party so to speak. How do you know a politician is lying? Their lips are moving. That’s John’s outlook and actually kind of mine since I’ve gone into a depression recently haha! He just doesn’t trust any of them and thinks they’re all out of touch. He knows what real pain feels like, he’s been through hell and back, those guys don’t understand a thing!

Does your sim have a favorite TV show: Doesn’t have one, he hates everything!

Does your sim like books? He did like books but really hasn’t had the time to pick one up in ages, the only thing he’s been reading are crime files full of distressing images and details about real deaths not fictional ones. And any kind of novel would be way too heavy going for him right now!

What is your sim’s personal style? He wears a suit for his job as a DI but usually just wears cute green jumpers (I think they look cute on him haha) and shirts, which are usually green or brown, grey or black. 

Is your sim religious? He hasn’t thought about God in ages but is drawn to go into a church after he’s been told he needs a major operation on his heart and has lost hope with everything. However, he wonders why he even bothered going in because he feels like this God guy has just given him all this suffering so loses hope again. But he does slowly gain more of a connection with the church nearby, especially after his families’ funerals but overall he’s not really religious. He questions it and doesn’t really know if he believes in it. 

What kind of music does your sim listen to? As he hates everything he hasn’t had time to listen to anything but he quite likes classical music and rock music. He has fond memories of listening to music with his wife when they met and further on into their lives together. He’d probably well up and cry if he listened to music he used to love again for this reason ;(

What is your sim’s favorite type of weather? He doesn’t really care, he’ll take whatever comes his way!

Does your sim have a dream job? Not really, he used to think being a detective was his dream but it’s caused him to witness awful things and has now taken his family away. He’s had to bury it all over the years the pain it’s really caused him. After his operation, he tries to look for something he can do to keep him busy but not dangerously busy like before!

Does your sim have any siblings? Yes, an older brother who’s a massive twat and a younger sister who’s nice luckily.

Does your sim get along with their family? He obviously loved his wife and daughter very much, but despises his brother with a passion as it was his brother Robbie who had criminals burn the house down his family perished in. He cannot believe his own brother would do this and the shock of the news brings on a massive heart attack which really does nearly kill him. He gets on well with his nephew, Nathan (Robbie’s son) and essentially raised him as well when Robbie was controlling Nathan’s mother and treating him like shit (this makes Robbie very jealous and wanting revenge, hence the murder).

What is your sims favorite hobby? Walking, he finds peace when he goes out for a walk in the woods or somewhere peaceful even if he’s despairing. He likes to clear his head, although it has been a mistake him going out alone after he suffered a heart attack alone in the woods after his families’ funeral.

What does your sim look for in a romantic partner? He refuses to ever look for anyone else again. It was Joanne and always will be Joanne, she was the love of his life. 

What is a flaw your sim has? He’s a bit too much of a workaholic and buries his head in the sand about the fact working so vigorously is making his condition worse, despite everyone around him telling him so. He constantly misses counselling appointments and heart checkups out of fear his health has declined further which he knows it is doing. He struggles to face up to these things and works even harder as a result to bury that fear away. It’s a downward spiral that’s just making him worse. He also gets incredibly angry at others very easily, but it’s understandable given what’s happened in his life lately. 

Does your sim have a greatest achievement? If so what is it?  For John, probably surviving in the first place! He’s survived so much, he survived his heart condition, he’s survived dangerous situations in his job and has survived all this grief and misery (that’s not to say it won’t ever go away) but he has somehow been managing to carry on and I’m proud of him haha! He needs a massive hug rn.

If they have one, what is your sim’s greatest regret? Being unable to save his wife and daughter from the house fire and this is something that haunts him daily, nightly and for the rest of his life. 

I’m tagging whoever wants to do this!

[universe-n-3276]

Carrying the Moon.

Summary: Something happens at the beginning of their last year at the university. Sander takes a life-changing decision.

Note: This fic follows what happened in my last social media au, it features the same characters but you can easily read it without knowing the whole story. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Chapter 1

Sander never liked summer at all. It is always too hot, sweaty, and sticky. It also ruined his aesthetics, because his favorite clothes were more suited for the colder season. Shorts and flip flops did not exactly match his slightly edgy-artist style. And then, as if all of that wasn’t torture already, he had to store his precious Dr. Martens in the closet, together with his beloved leather jacket. Whenever it was time to leave it on the hanger and abandon it in the dark, for at least two months, his heart wept as if he were punishing his dearest friend.

However, June and July were usually bearable. He kept repeating to himself that, if the summer lasted only two months, it wouldn't be so bad. Instead, August always came by eventually, as if it was the Sunday of the year. August was just too much to deal with. Too hot, boring, and extremely long.

Not even the prospect of spending days with Robbe cheered him up anymore, because at some point they both agreed that the temperature was too hot to even try to cuddle, and all that sweat was worth only for some very specific occasions. Furthermore, their poor fan was close to his final act, becoming slower and slower every day.

That whole year had been extremely stressful for everyone.

It was their second last year of university, and all the members of the gang worked hard to catch up on the exams they had neglected, in order to graduate together, the following summer.

That had been the plan from the start, if it wasn’t for the fact that, nine months before, Charlotte got pregnant. Her boyfriend, Max, had pushed her to carry on with the pregnancy, but when she reached the seventh month, he simply disappeared. Everyone had feared for the physical and mental health of Charlotte and the baby. She cried for two weeks in a row, but then she was back on schedule, studying, and seeing her therapist.

On the 12th of August, Charlotte had given birth to a baby boy, and from that moment, everything went down quickly, because not even 24 hours later, she announced to everyone that she wanted to give her son up for adoption, but at last, her parents convinced her to take home the, still unnamed, newborn.

A month passed since that day, and nothing had changed. Her family and friends helped Charlotte to look after the child, but she refused to see and touch him in any way.

On a Wednesday morning, Sander walked into the apartment, where his mother had been living alone with Charlotte since their parents had divorced. It had been a fairly peaceful decision. They simply parted ways but decided to stay friends.

However, that day took a strange turn, when his mother greeted him with a sad look, rather than her cheerful smile, which both of the twins had inherited. She cradled Charlotte's baby in her arms, feeding him with a bottle of formula.

"I'm going to see how Charlotte is doing."

Sander said after greeting his mother with a kiss and gently stroking the baby's head. He felt a strange feeling growing in his stomach, as he headed to his sister's room.

"Charlotte’s not home. She left something on your bed though. You should read it. "

After his mother had uttered those words, all the happiness, with which he had left his home that morning, definitely disappeared. He walked briskly to his room, and on the bed, he found a letter with his name handwritten on the envelope. He quickly opened it.

His hands were shaking already.

Sander,

Your heart is probably pounding in your chest right now, so, listen to me for once in your life and sit down, close your eyes and breathe the way you should, when a panic attack is about to hit you. 

Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out.

You didn’t listen, right? You’re reading this fourth line, but your mind is so clouded with worry, that you haven't understood half of what I wrote. So go back, re-read everything, breathe and keep in mind that I'm fine.

Done?

Good.

You may be wondering where I am, and why I wrote you a letter, but I couldn't do what I'm about to do, looking you in the eyes. I don't often show it with my gestures and even less with words, but my bond with you is the most important of my life. You're the person I care the most about, and just one negative word from you would hurt me more than a thousand insults from someone else. This is why I am writing this because I know you wouldn't agree with my decision.

I have to go away, Sander. I worked too hard to build the life I wanted to live, and you know it. I struggled to keep up with my colleagues, and I tortured myself to do better than them, and eventually, I succeeded. 

I haven’t mentioned it to you, because, until last week, I hadn’t the gut to take this step, and in the last few months, my life has changed its direction so many times, that I didn't really know what to do with my dreams anymore.

I got the scholarship I applied for. The University of Sydney. Yes, Sydney in Australia. At this very moment, I am already at the airport. Don't try to stop me, please.

I assure you, it was a deliberate decision. This isn’t coming from a hormonal shift or my illness. You can ask my therapist, she knows everything, and I gave her permission to talk to you about me if you need to be reassured by her.

Over the past few years, I've seen you create a beautiful life for yourself. When we moved to Lucas' school, you had nothing, you started from scratch, and look how far you've come! You became a fantastic, loving, talented man. Whenever you walk into a room, everyone stops to look at you, because you are bright and dazzling, just like the sun. We are just mere planets, waiting for you to shine on us, even for the briefest moment. I know you will never believe it because, in that beautiful head of yours, you see yourself not as a star, not even as the moon. You see yourself as Pluto, a bigger asteroid that has been mistaken for a planet by some heedless scientist.

I have the strength to leave, only because I know that Robbe will always be next to you. You couldn't choose a better man to share your existence with. I know that, even if you’d break into a thousand pieces, he would be able to put you back together. 

I can't wait to see your whole life together, your engagement, marriage, and your five children, which I will love madly. I'll be there for all of these things, it's a promise, so don't be sad.

Regarding the other matter, which I know you are thinking about, I also took care of him. Ever since Max left, I knew, I couldn't do it alone, and that he would probably be better with someone else. Unfortunately, mom and dad are no longer together and don't want to take care of him alone. 

I just asked them to deal with the papers. I hope, he will be adopted soon by someone who can love him even if he carries the moon inside of him like me. 

I'm not fit to be a mother. I would be a burden to him, and I know this is the right choice.

I already miss you, Sander. 

Hug Robbe for me.

I love you.

Charlotte

Sander didn’t know when he had started to cry. He reread his sister's letter at least twenty times, to be able to understand it in its entirety.

Charlotte was gone.

She had taken the decision to give her baby up for adoption.

His head was spinning, he could still feel his heart running in his chest, but while he was reading that letter again for the fourteenth time, a thought had bravely made its way into his head. 

Sander couldn't fall apart, he had to be strong.

His new life was about to begin.

[next]

[moiralovestowrite]

The Plan Chapter 1

Cayde’s light blue eyes felt like ice. His gaze was thin, trembling, like it could crack at any moment. He had never felt like this before, it was like he was helpless, watching those he loved succumb to a terrible fate. The Drifter had spent a whole month planning this out, The con-man was well known for his ideas, his “adventures”, Would this work? Was this just a stupid idea? Everyone had seen it, the future the Darkness had promised on the Moon. Erebus, Aneira, Drifter, they stood by Cayde’s side as they witnessed visions from the monsters in the shadows.  The Nine knew what was coming, the giant illusions had been dropping hints, little pieces of information to push them in the right direction, or so Erebus thought. That damn Warlock was too trusting for her own good, hell, the woman thought Drifter was a saint. To be fair, she thought Cayde was as well. What if this was all a trick? What if they went through with this, would they play right into the Nine’s large hands? What would happen to the Tower? The Hunters? Was this all a ploy to get them to lower their guard? Accept the Darkness? The Vanguard’s fingers slid to the back of his neck, rubbing the cold metal as he felt his chest rumble with worry. They were on a time limit and no one else seemed to care. The Red War had ended and apparently everything was butterflies and rainbows. Zavala refused to look into the future, claiming that the present was more important. Ikora was too busy with her studies, searching for someone she called an old friend. Someone had to do something. “...Let’s do it.” Cayde-6’s voice was soft, unusually so as the Exo’s blue eyes latched upon Drifter’s form. The Derelict’s captain let out a sharp chuckle, it dug deep into Cayde’s ears, causing the Hunter to almost flinch. “Ya sure? I know you talk a big game but you’ve always been a goody two shoes. Can ya really take this next step?” To outsiders, it may have looked like the older man was mocking the Hunter, pushing his buttons, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. The brunette knew his friend, his morals and loyalty, they all laid within that damn Tower. Andal was all Cayde had back in the day, Could he really leave it all behind? The Exo turned his head, the orange lights within his mouth flickered as he attempted to come up with the right words. Jokes weren’t right here. Neither was sarcasm. Taking in a deep breath, the Hunter spoke. “I’m sure.” Pure honesty was the only way forward. Drifter nodded, taking in Cayde-6’s words and responding with as much honesty as he could. “Yer making the right choice brother.” The Exo snorted, rolling his eyes as he felt the light in his body brighten. He needed to hear that. He couldn’t let Drifter know that though.

It wasn’t long before the girls arrived upon the Derelict. Drifter loved calling them that, Erebus and Aneira were his girls, Cayde’s girls. Family. Aneira and Erebus were always attached at the hip, the two had a connection that was powerful, raw, and loving. It was almost like the Darkness had connected the two. Erebus was returning from a job, her body covered in the snake gear Drifter had made for her ages ago, the grumpy old man claimed it was to keep her identity hidden but Erebus knew the truth. The boss had needed the Warlock to go “borrow” some parts from Lord Shaxx’s latest shipment of guns. The two would dismantle the Crucible weapons, using the parts to make brand new toys for Gambit. Erebus loved tinkering with guns, testing out each creation before she handed it Drifter, proud to give her boss something that worked. The Exo was loyal, clever, Drifter still wasn’t able to admit it right to her face but he loved her more than anything. Ever since the accident on the Moon and Erebus losing her human body, Drifter became even more paranoid, any day could be the last. Erebus was patient however. She had told the man every day that she loved him with all her heart and soul. She knew he loved her just as much, but with the con-man’s past, she understood him struggling to reply. The Warlock could hear his worries. Aneira’s small form was in her usual Hunter gear, somehow she always seemed to make everything look fashionable. Anything on her looked amazing, glamorous. The armor made Cayde-6 swoon, his feet felt like they were walking on clouds. The Exo could hardly believe he found someone so perfect, and somehow, she liked him just as much? If this was a dream, Cayde never wanted to wake up. Aneira was sly, quick, she had the biggest heart he had ever seen in a person, not to mention she loved his jokes. Clearly she was insane. As the small Guardian removed her helmet, her purple-pink hair fell in front of her amber eyes as they gazed lovingly upon Cayde’s tired form. The Exo knew from day one that Aneira was going to change his life. Now here they were, ready to tackle enemies of the future hand in hand. Cayde-6 couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

“Can...can we go over this again?” Erebus’s voice was uneasy as the Warlock placed the palm of her metal hand onto the map of the Clovis Exo Facility. The woman was so nervous, it felt like the entire universe was depending on this plan to work. That facility, it was like a monster. Something deep within was screaming, she could feel it. Darkness was everywhere, there was no doubt about that, but this building gave off such a horrible energy. Aneira could feel it too. Maybe even more so than Erebus. The Hunter placed a soft hand upon the Exo’s shoulder, giving her friend a smile. A gentle way of saying it will be okay. The girls had been best friends for years, they had come up with so many ways to comfort one another. Erebus could feel her metal lips tug into a smile, relaxing almost instantly from Aneira’s touch. Cayde’s hand sat on his chin, rubbing the metal of his jaw as his mind demanded another explanation of the plan. The Vanguard swore he listened but everyone knew it was a lie. Aneira could see the Exo’s eyes drift off, thinking about god knows what. Probably dinner, Colonel, or what color to paint his new sparrow. Drifter’s annoyed voice rose above the noise of the Derelict, the ship struggling to live as the man pulled one of his many jade coin’s from deep within his pocket. He may have had the best team in the whole universe but they had the listening skills of a four year old. “Alright! Let’s go over this one last time!” Drifter’s gloved thumb flicked the coin into the air, it sparkled in the ships dim lights causing everyone’s eyes to lock onto it.

Everyone’s eyes fell onto each other as Drifter’s coin landed firmly in the palm of his hand. The rouge may have finished speaking but it was clear everyone was still nervous. The old light felt a pinch of guilt floating around in his stomach. Drifter couldn’t do anything to ease the pain of what was to come, but he could damn well try. “Ya’ll look like the saddest vex in the system. We haven’t failed yet have we?” The con-man growled out, almost like he wasn’t just trying to convince the group, but himself as well. It had been ages, hell, thousands of years since he last had people in his life he could trust. The fear of it all crashing down made the back of his head burn. With a deep breath, Aneira opened her mouth, ready to voice her thoughts. “We can do this. But Ere and I would have to leave soon.” Cayde nodded, his blue eyes flashing with light as he remembered that his briefing with Zavala would be shortly. “You guys go now, I’ll head back to the Tower. Big Blue wants to talk to me, “correct behavior” and all that. It gives me a chance to stall so you guys can grab what you need and get back unnoticed.” Drifter’s hand reached up to his chin, playing with his beard. A sly grin coated his lips as the man spoke. “I’ll get everything set up here, that way we can start work right away when you get back.” Aneira turned, facing the Warlock who was busy staring at the center of the map. “Ere?” Erebus’s blue lights within her throat lit up as she spoke. “Do you think we can pull this off?.” Silence met the Warlock’s question. Cayde looked at Aneira, praying she would calm the Exo’s nerves but unfortunately Aneira had turned to look at Drifter, praying the same thing. “Kid-” As the older light bearer began to speak, Erebus quickly held up her hand, silencing the man. The Exo’s eyes were firmly locked on the map as she sighed softly. “No, I understand.” Slowly, Erebus gazed upon Aneira, a fake smile plastered on her metal mouth. “Let’s go.”  

Europa was a horrible moon, full of snow and...well snow. If Erebus could shiver, she would have been. “How are you so okay in this weather?!” The Warlock yelled over the harsh winds. She was just metal and wishful thinking put together, how was the human fine in these temperatures? Aneira couldn’t help but laugh as the Hunter watched her friend struggle through a snowbank, only to trip and fall face first into the soft whiteness of the planet. “Well, for one, I know how to walk.” A muffled grunt left Erebus’s throat before the exo began to move her arms and legs in a sweeping motion. “The hell are you doing?” Aneira walked over to her friend’s form, barely hearing Erebus’s answer. “Front facing snow angels.” The Exo muttered through the snow before attempted to get to her knees. Aneira giggled, grabbing onto the Warlock by her shoulders and helping her up. “Can’t you float?” “Not since I lost my light.” Erebus said sadly, kicking the ground as she began to walk once again. Guilt filled the Hunter, following behind the Exo to make sure she wouldn’t fall again. “But it’s okay, just means I can make ice cream with stasis!” Others would think this was a joke but Aneira could feel the pure joy behind Erebus’s words. Somehow losing the ability to float was okay because now she could make vanilla soft serve.  She may have lost her light, but she certainly didn’t lose what made her special. “And you didn’t show me how?” The Hunter teased as she wrapped her hands around Erebus’s arm, helping the Warlock as they walked towards the facility. It took the girls almost an hour to reach, trudging through the endless white snow, untouched for centuries. By the time they got to the door, both women were tired, cold, wet. All Aneira and Erebus wanted was a break, unfortunately they didn’t have time for that. The doors to the monstrous building let out a hiss as they opened up for the women. “...Are you ready?” Erebus’s voice was shaky as she latched onto her friends hand, squeezing it as tightly as she could. The Warlock couldn’t explain it, this rush of familiarity. Had she been here before? Drifter had found her on Europa, but this building seemed different. “I’m ready.” Aneira replied, squeezing her friend’s hand in return.

[hi-i-try-to-be-kind]

A letter to tumblrstake

When I first got a tumblr at 13 years old, I had no idea that there would one day be a CJCLDS community on this site. I didn’t find it until years later, if I remember correctly about the time that I made this specific account. Now, in my 20s, I’ve come to love this little community, even when the rest of this site has been so, so harmful to me and my growth as a person. I really love this community—I must stress this. Even though I’ve mostly been a viewer who didn’t interact, this community has meant a lot to me, especially as a late teenager, and has positively impacted the way I interact with people. I truly believe that everyone here is doing their best.

But now I’m leaving tumblr completely. And a huge reason for that is certain patterns that have started to encompass the tumblrstake community. And I believe that if I don’t say anything, no one else will.

Before I go on, I ask that you please try to listen. I know it’s hard—there’s even a Harvard (I think it’s Harvard?) study that shows that in the middle of an argument, someone cannot change their own mind. But while writing this, I practiced something that I hope you will too. I asked myself, ‘Lord, is it I?’ And while I certainly have plenty of responsibility for how I view the comments of others and how they affect me, I also believe that there are some serious problems that almost no one is addressing.

This community, especially at conference time, has become spiritually poisonous. Yes, part of that is how I look at comments, but I’ve come to believe that it’s not just me, but also that the comments are thought of and posted without any consultation with the Spirit. Today, I felt the Spirit during the talks given by Elder Cook, Elder Oaks, and Elder Rasband, up until I got on this site.

With Elder Cook, there was a lot of criticism of how he didn’t acknowledge that the church had a racist past—but he did. It was brief, but he said something that I don’t think could have applied to anything else. But this was ignored. From my perspective, his argument was using our spiritual ancestors (specifically our non-racist ones) as an example for how we should pattern our lives. But I’ve seen no one mention this interpretation. It seems clear to me that, in argumentation terms, he was not shown the ‘principle of charity’ (1). Maybe this is because he didn’t use the vocabulary that people on here associate with what he meant to say, I don’t know.

With Elder Rasband, there was criticism that he was trying to make a legal process within the church into something spiritual. But when I was listening to the talk, as someone who has struggled with being worthy to hold a temple recommend, it meant a lot. It gave me a more thorough understanding of my goal. And it can also be applied to general temple worthiness—and my belief is that anyone who didn’t need the words about temple recommends and still gave his words the ‘principle of charity,’ would see past his plain words and to the spiritual meaning beneath. I didn’t even understand why people thought of his talk the way they did, until I realized that he came after Elder Cook—in other words, because people were already primed to take his words badly, they did.

Last of all was Elder Oaks, who stood up strongly for what he believes, and what he believes that God had told him to say during the months of preparation he spent for this conference—and when I listened to the talk, I heard equal condemnation of racism and violence. My friend heard a more direct message against racism. Yet in this community, people criticized him for it. Specifically, people criticized him for being America-centric when he opened the talk by acknowledging that it was going to be so. With Elder Oaks, of course it has a history. He’s very direct with what God tells him to say, and at times that has led to people, especially members of the LGBT+ community, being hurt. But when I went back and watched those talks about the LGBT+ community, without the angry comments of this community to distract me, I saw how much he spoke of loving the members of the LGBT+ community, those very same people that this community perceived him as only speaking of hating. And in this latest talk, I have no doubt that the difference between perceptions comes from the fact that people who believe his previous talks were harmful refuse to give him the ‘principle of charity.’ When he says that we should love our enemies, they see it as condemning only their side, while not realizing that if they truly listened, it would not only be a condemnation of both extremes, but also, and I don’t know how to say this more gently, a rebuke of their own unloving actions within this community.

I remember years ago (I’m sorry I don’t have the post saved so that I could show you proof of this), there was a post going around that many people took to be pro LGBT+, and included some sentiments that indicated that people shouldn’t listen to the prophet above what they personally believe to be true. A member of the community took issue with this, I believe voicing that it was extreme. They were jumped on by many other members of the community who took their comment to mean that they were anti-LGBT+. As I recall, the comments were not cruel, but they were certainly not understanding or kind. The member who was jumped on only said something in the tags along the lines of ‘Hmm. I believe I have been misunderstood,’ because if I recall correctly, they were pro-LGBT+. I believe they left tumblr, or at least tumblrstake, not long after that. (If I’d taken a screenshot, I could show you—let this be a lesson in keeping your sources lol)

After all of the things that I’ve outlined above—and these are only examples, not the whole story—I don’t know how to say this gently while still being direct. This community needs Elder Oaks’ talk. This community does not love its enemies. This community does not give anyone the benefit of the doubt. In some ways, what I just said is untrue—ex-members are not pushed away or mocked. People who have problems with the church are not dismissed. And what wonderful attributes these are! I adore this community for how universal these attitudes at least appear to be! But the very prophets and apostles that God directly tells us, in the scriptures, are to look out for our spiritual welfare—the very prophets and apostles that love and worry for all of us—are the people that this community has decided are its enemies. If they are your enemies, and you truly believe in the gospel of Christ, you need to treat them like Christ told you to treat your enemies, to love them by giving their words the benefit of the doubt, to show them the ‘principle of charity.’

When you dismiss the prophets and don’t treat them with the same civility that you justly would an ex-member, or dismiss members of the church that don’t treat the prophets the same way you do, you cannot expect to create a spiritual environment. Especially during conference time, when spiritual strength can be found in actually listening to what the prophets are saying, and not just straw-manning them and assuming that they say either exactly what you want them to say or exactly what you don’t want them to say.

I hope, even in this criticism, you’ve been able to feel the love that I have for this community. I believe that every member in it is a good person, who truly seeks the Spirit and to do what is right. But just as the church continues to grow and change to become more in line with God’s will, this community must change too—and with every year I’ve been here, there has only been a steady decline towards hatred and straw-manning. And this community can be so much more! I’ve seen it be a great place for people to grow spiritually together. I’ve seen it be a refuge for LGBT+ members of the church! But at conference time, whenever a speaker steps up and people perceive (sometimes objectively correctly) a disagreement with their own beliefs, it stops being that place.

I’m leaving now. Love you all.

TLDR; I love this community, but it is slowly becoming a spiritually poisonous place that does not give the prophets the benefit of the doubt or seek for spiritual meaning in talks they disagree with. I’m very bad at TLDRs, so please read the whole post.

(1) I’m using the term ‘principle of charity’ to mean the concept of listening to someone’s argument as the strongest version of their argument that it could possibly be—giving the benefit of the doubt, basically the opposite of straw-manning, etc.

P.S. I wanted to get this out before the second session but editing bled into the second session, so I delayed it so that people could have no interruption in their spirituality if nothing happened in the second session. That’s why I only addressed things in the first session.

P.P.S. Whoops I meant to schedule this. Sorry!

[vampiregirl1797]

Vampire in the Modern World

BBC Dracula x Female Reader

 Gif Not Mine.

 For My Masterlist Click Here.

 Working at the Jonathan Harker foundation isn’t the career you’d envisioned yourself having as a child. I’d first been enrolled in the programme during my third year of studying biochemistry at Oxford University. The life of a student was stressful by way of work and lack of funds, and so Dr. Van Helsing suggested the blood donation procedure to me. I mean, at first it was a dream come true—come in once a week, donate a pint of blood, earn a thousand pounds a month. At the beginning, I hadn’t been fully informed as to what exactly the blood was being used for, and with Dr Helsing recommending the programme to me, and me finally being able to afford to live modestly in London, I hadn’t thought to question it.

 However, when I left University and was offered a better-paid position (three times my original wage packet) for a few more hours of work a week, I was told the full extent of what the Jonathan Harker foundation actually represented. It was dedicated to the analysis and evaluation of vampires, something that I had believed to be mythical until that point. That meant their behaviours, reactions to blood, and even the extent of their self-control was studied meticulously. Now, my position wouldn’t involve studying. I, along with a handful of other people, were all being assigned to a particular vampire. This was all decided on our blood types, lifestyles and our personalities.

We were expected to donate a pint of blood a day—due to the high amounts we’d have to take red blood cell renewals that the lab had created specifically for this purpose. As well as this, we’d be spending a minimum of an hour with the vampire we were assigned to, which would be recorded for the scientists observing the interaction to evaluate. It had taken about four weeks to get to this point, which was the point of being assigned to our own vampire. First, we had one last presentation involving the dangers we would be facing, along with the discovery the foundation had recently made. Which was how I found myself sitting in a dimly lit lecture hall, with Professor Bloxham stood at the front and waiting to start the presentation.

 I sighed softly and glanced around me, not paying too much attention to the several other people in the room. It wasn’t uncommon for us not to chat amongst one another—we knew the dangers of the job and so getting attached wasn’t a smart move. Some may have considered that to be heartless, I viewed it as a necessary precaution, and evidently so did everyone else as they followed the same behaviour. This was something we did to earn a living, and so our lives started outside of these walls, the people whom we became within them was a far cry from the person our loved ones knew.

 My eyes flickered back to Professor Bloxham as she started to speak, most of it details I’d already heard before, at least until she got to the part of the Demeter. It had been known as the ship Count Dracula had boarded over 100 years ago in order to gain passage to England. However, the passengers had discovered what he was with the help of Agatha Van Helsing who Dracula had bought to snack on during the journey. It was rumoured by the few passengers that escaped that the ship was blown up by the Captain and Van Helsing herself in order to prevent the curse of vampirism from reaching English soil. But apparently, it had been discovered very recently.

 I felt myself lean forward in my seat as the projector presented the scuba diver footage of the Demeter at the bottom of the sea. It looked so old, and yet quite untouched. The golden writing carved into the side of the mahogany wood seemed to glitter on the screen.

 ‘So this is the main part of the ship. Basically undisturbed for a hundred years.’ She said, looking around and smiling slightly at what was probably several expressions of wonder, ‘the original teams were looking in the wrong place, no one realised quite how close Count Dracula’s ship got to the British mainland.’ She glanced behind her as she continued, ‘we searched the wreck for three days, but what we were looking for was approximately two hundred yards south of there.’

 I felt my heart beat faster in my chest at the sight of a coffin shaped wooden box appearing on the screen. It was as if my body knew what it was, but my mind was refusing to accept the logical direction that Professor Bloxham’s findings were almost certainly heading in.

 ‘Now, a box this old, you’d expect at least a few barnacles.’ We could all clearly see there were no such things, in fact the box looked untouched, ‘but look at it. Untouched by any living thing.’

 I held my breath as I watched hands pry the box open, revealing what appeared to be a perfectly preserved Count Dracula. He almost looked like he was leisurely floating at the bottom of the sea, rather than being essentially impeccably well maintained in death. His eyes were even open, which seemed to highlight the relaxed expression on his face.

 ‘As you can see, even after 123 years, the body was perfectly preserved.’ Someone’s hands inspected Dracula’s face, lifting his lip to reveal his pearl white teeth that even a fool could identify as weapons. I felt a shiver slither down my spine and goose bumps rise on my arms.

 Professor Bloxham turned to face us, her brow quirked, ‘or so we thought.’

 I frowned in confusion until I saw the person’s fingers move into Count Dracula’s mouth, before I could wonder if the worst would happen, crimson coloured the screen as the vampire bit down on the diver’s fingers, evidentially taking in some of their blood. The whole class reacted together as we watched the diver struggle to retrieve their fingers from his mouth, some releasing startled gasps, others groaning in discomfort, however I was too shocked to move. If he hadn’t been dead before, that meant he’d been comatose, but what did it mean now that he was fed? My eyes fell to the Professor as she explained, the dread in my gut growing with each word.

 ‘The body was not preserved. Dracula, was in fact alive. Though dormant.’ She sighed, shifting on her feet and leaning to rest on the desk behind her, ‘apparently in some kind of restorative coma, in which he would have remained, if I hadn’t been stupid enough to feed him. So in case you’re wondering, yeah, vampire’s bite.’ She held up her bandaged hand, identifying herself as the diver who had been masticated.

 She lowered her arm and looked around each and every one of us as her voice took on a grave tone, ‘you need to know what you’re signing up for. We will keep you safe, but this isn’t just about giving blood, it’s not just another student drug trial. There is a reason it is better paid. You will all have controlled exposure to a vampire. Are we clear?’

 She let that sink in for a moment, and I felt the fear and severity of the situation churn in my gut. What if I ended up dead? Mauled by a vampire who saw me as nothing other than his or her next meal provided in order to satiate their hunger? I took a deep breath and reminded myself that there were precautions in place in order to protect me should it be necessary.

 ‘Obviously, at this point, having triggered his revification, we opted for tactical retreat.’ Professor Bloxham’s voice broke me out of my self-reassurance, ‘we resealed the box so nothing could interfere with the process, and we monitored from the shore. It took Dracula another ten hours to fully revive. And of course, we were waiting for him on the beach.’

 Her inability to maintain eye contact at the end of her presentation made me wonder if that was all of the information, but I wasn’t able to dwell for too long as the projector switched off and the lights turned on. I found myself blinking in discomfort at the sudden brightness as my eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness.

 ‘Now, before yesterday all of you were assigned to a specific vampire.’ She revealed, and I found myself frowning when her eyes seemed to settle on me for a second longer than everyone else.

 ‘However, due to our capture of Dracula yesterday evening we had to re-evaluate our submissions due to his known and very specific dietary requirements. Of course, you will all be informed of your assignment shortly, but I’d like you to be pre-warned that one of you,’ she took a breath, seeming to steel herself for what she was about to say, ‘will be assigned to Count Dracula.’

 I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Count Dracula was one of the most famous vampires for a reason. He took time to decide upon whom he would like to feed from, and when he reached his verdict he relished in the feed, often taking his time as he gorged on his victim’s blood. He was known to have no self-control when it came to feeding, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the person he was assigned to didn’t last a week. I took another deep breath—what were the chances that it would be me, right? I mean he had “specific” dietary requirements and I was positive that I was nothing special when it came to blood flavour. I felt the knot of dread in my stomach relax as I leaned back in my chair, relaxing at the realisation—I was nothing special, of that I was positive, and I would most certainly not live up to Count Dracula’s exclusive blood cravings.

 ‘Y/L/N?’ I looked up to see one of the scientists calling my name from the door at the back of the room. I stood up, surprised to see I was the last one to be called—I must have been freaking out so much that I had tuned out my surroundings.

 I bit my lip as I followed the Dr who had come to fetch me, when I asked her where I was going she informed me she was taking me to my assigned vampire. I just about had a heart attack. Before I could question it, she explained that Dr Helsing had specifically asked for me to be bought directly to her, so that she could introduce me to whomever I was assigned to. I should have paid more attention to the several winding corridors I was led down, but I was too lost in my thoughts and in trying to control my heartbeat that was rising in panic.

 ‘Ah, Y/N.’ Dr Helsing’s soft voice garnered my attention and I looked up from the floor to see her waiting for me beside a metallic door, ‘thank you for coming so quickly. We wish to make the introduction now while the sun is still up, as we can use that for our main point of defence.’

 I nodded before I asked, ‘who am I assigned to?’ I wished my voice had sounded stronger than it did, but that was the least of my worries.

 Dr Helsing smiled tightly, ‘Count Dracula.’ She was blunt, and I appreciated that because I don’t think my heart could have taken any fumbling.

 The Dr that had led me there scurried away, and so I had no choice but to follow the leader of the foundation through the metallic door.

 ‘Why me? I thought he had specific requirements? I am positively certain there is nothing special or even flavoursome about my blood.’ I crossed my arms over my chest defensively, so concentrated on talking to the Dr, that I hadn’t taken notice of the giant triangular glass prison cell in the centre of the room.

 ‘You are correct, his requirements are specific and looking back on his past victims,’ she paused, taking a key and turning it into the wall beside the door, ‘well at least those that we know of, you carry the same characteristics as well as a few new ones of your own. We believe you will be a suitable donor. If not, you will be re-assigned.’

 I sighed, moving my neck around in a circular motion as I tried to loosen up the muscles—they always got tight when I was stressed. My eyes followed Dr Helsing as she walked over to a table that rested along the back wall, I found myself watching what she was collecting with expressed interest. I swallowed when I realised she was gathering the necessary instruments for drawing blood. Noticing my nerves, she began to speak.

 ‘I have already taken a blood sample from Count Dracula, now I will take a pint of your blood inside his chamber.’ She lifted a metal tray, satisfied she had all she needed, ‘we will remain in the sunlight to stop his attack should he be unable to control himself in the presence of your blood. You will remain with him as he drinks and another sample will be collected after he has feasted.’

 ‘Wonderful.’ I mumbled, pulling the sleeves of the pale blue jumper I was wearing over my hands.

 ‘Well, well, I can’t say I’ve ever had a meal sound so disgruntled at the prospect of my company.’ His voice washed over me like a soothing balm, my body seeming to involuntarily relax for a moment, until my head caught up with my heart and I realised what he’d just said.

 My eyes met his for the first time and my heart skipped a beat at the charm, mirth and hunger that lingered behind his irises. My cheeks flushed, and my gaze fell to his mouth, which in that moment was smirking at my reaction of him, but I found myself briefly enamoured with the plumpness of his lips before I forced my gaze to move on. He was at least six feet tall, his dark hair and eyes adding to the tall, dark and handsome cliché. I bit my lip, the thought of him being attractive under different circumstances crossing my mind, but I reminded myself what was happening here: I was his meal and his company for the next hour. If I wanted to stay longer, I could, but honestly I didn’t see that happening.

 ‘It’s not your company that is the problem, Count Dracula, rather your lack of control when in the presence of freshly spilled blood.’ I murmured, once I was satisfied that I’d taken his appearance in completely. My voice was calm, and surprisingly firm.

 He blinked, seemingly also surprised by my comeback, though before he could respond Dr Helsing opened the door to his cell and led me inside. We were both careful to remain standing in the rectangle of sunlight while he slinked in the corners. I drew up my sleeve and felt myself shiver as the cool cotton swab was swiped over my skin, the needle quickly following suit. My eyes fell shut as I tried to transport myself somewhere else, preferably somewhere where I wasn’t being stabbed with a needle in front of a bloodthirsty vampire. Unfortunately, the animalistic growls coming from Count Dracula rendered my attempts futile. My eyes fluttered over to him to see his irises were now a crimson red that seemed to glow from his place in the shadows, along with his teeth that appeared to have sharpened as his hunger grew.

 ‘How long since he’s been fed?’ I wondered aloud.

 ‘Aside from the small deposit he had from Professor Bloxham that awoke him, he has had nothing for one hundred and twenty three years.’ Dr Helsing answered, not looking away from the blood bag that was slowly filling up.

My eyes moved back over to the Count, a pang of sympathy shooting through me—he must have been starving, perhaps even malnourished. Did vampires even get malnourished? His eyes fell on mine, I was surprised as his ability to look away from his food source when he was so hungry, and I felt my heart skip a beat when I realised his eyes had melted back to their usual chocolate brown.

 I startled when I felt Dr Helsing swab my skin again. I placed my hand over the cotton, holding it in place while the bleeding subsided.

 ‘That’s all you will be donating today.’ She assured me, placing the used utensils in a biohazard bag and handing me my donation. I took it in my free hand, somehow grossed out by how warm it felt.

 ‘I’ll have some food sent in for you, along with the pills you’ll need to take to boost your red blood cell growth.’ She offered me a tight smile that I assumed was supposed to be comforting, and left shutting the glass door behind her, followed by the metallic one that made a much louder thud.

 ‘I don’t know how long you’re planning to stare after the esteemed doctor, but is there any way you could hand me my breakfast?’ My heart rate picked up at the sound of his voice, ‘I’m famished.’

 I took a breath and removed the cotton swab from my arm, when I’d deduced that the bleeding had stopped, I slipped the material into my pocket and slid my jumper sleeve back down my arm.

 ‘How do you want me to give it to you?’ I asked, not particularly wanting to move from the rectangle of sunlight I was stood in.

 ‘Well, I’d appreciate if you handed it to me, that would be the polite thing to do.’ He said, mirth colouring his tone.

 I took a breath; trying to find the courage to take a mere two steps forward to join him in the shadows. It would only have to be for a brief moment after all, and vampire or not, he deserved to have his meal handed to him. My eyes met his again, and I was surprised to see that his eyes had softened, almost as if he were sympathetic to my plight. A surge of courage seemed to ripple through me, and I found myself speaking before my mind could catch up with my impulsiveness.

 ‘Close the ceiling.’ My voice wasn’t loud but it rang with a formality that echoed through the glass pane that built his cell. The man who was standing outside with his gun followed my instruction a lot easier than I thought he would, and before I knew it my heart was racing as the sunlight withdrew from the room, shrouding us both in the artificial lights in the room.

 I stepped forward and placed the blood bag on the table, sliding it over to the other side where he was standing. He observed me for a moment, seemingly impressed by my courage and if I wasn’t mistaken his eyes glittered with interest. I took the seat opposite his, curling my knees up to my chest in an attempt to suppress my shiver. My head rested on my knees as I observed him, my eyebrow cocking in silent question: was he going to stare all day, or was he going to eat the meal he was probably dying for? I got my answer a second later when he moved at an inhuman pace and snatched the blood bag from the table. The Count took his seat across from me and to my surprise, began sipping on the blood. Quite impressive restraint for someone who hadn’t eaten in over a century, but I figured it would be smart not to question it.

 ‘Hmm.’ He moaned, the sound affecting me more than I cared to admit. Not a drop fell from his mouth as he drank, leisurely savouring every drop. His noises of pleasure continued and I found myself stupefied and aghast by the spark of arousal that seemed to shoot through my body every time the different noises fell from his mouth.

 ‘Y/N,’ he murmured, his voice wrapping around my name like velvet, ‘British born, dead parents and hmmm… a virgin.’

 My cheeks coloured in embarrassment—I hadn’t been made aware of the information he’s be able to gather from a few sips of my blood. It should have been intrusive, violating… but it wasn’t.

 ‘Don’t be embarrassed, Y/N,’ his eyes darkened as he gazed at me, it felt like he was caressing me with his voice, ‘you taste positively exquisite. Remind me to thank Dr Helsing for finding you for me, I’m not sure I would’ve been able to achieve such a feat on my own with the world being as advanced as it is now.’

 ‘I’m surprised you’re taking your time with that. After a hundred years of starving, I’m not sure I could be quite as reserved.’ I pulled my jumper sleeves down over my hands again, the feeling of being exposed making me want to cover as much as possible.

 ‘Yes, well, I’m not quite sure why the good doctor lied about that. See, while they did corner me on the beach I managed to escape and find myself a meal a fair distance from the city.’ He informed me, his casual mention of murder should have repulsed me, but it didn’t. I had no idea what that said about me.

 ‘Somehow, Dr Helsing’s little foundation found me and here I am, able to enjoy your life’s essence slowly, which is excellent as that is exactly how this blood should be consumed.’ He held up his blood bag in an ironic salute before taking another sip.

 ‘That sucks. That you escaped and still ended up being captured, I mean.’ I said before I could stop myself. Logically I knew he was dangerous, and the safest option would probably be to keep him locked up somewhere like this. But I just couldn’t help the pang of sympathy and injustice that flared in my gut at the thought.

 ‘Indeed,’ Dracula grinned, his eyes seemed unable to stray away from me as he drank, as if he were matching up what he tasted to what he saw. I wondered if he found himself disappointed, if he thought the meek girl sitting in front of him didn’t measure up to the supposedly exquisite blood he was drinking.

 A few moments later, a guard bought me some food—beef chow mien with a glass of water and a small paper cup containing three tablets. I swallowed the pills one at a time before digging into my own food, relishing the flavours that exploded in my mouth. I didn’t know if it was the blood loss, or the influence of Dracula enjoying his own food, but Chinese had never tasted so good. When I was finished, I pushed my tray an inch from me, a habit I’d picked up whenever I was finished with a meal.

 ‘So, Y/N, tell me about yourself.’ He murmured, now leaning back in his chair, right ankle resting on his left knee, while his right hand served as a rest for his head.

 ‘I’m sure you know more about me than anyone else ever has,’ I told him honestly—if he’d been able to pick up a few things from a mere few mouthfuls then I was sure he knew me better than anyone now he’d finished the entire pint.

 ‘Perhaps.’ He chuckled, the sound was dark, yet warm, ‘but I’d still like to hear it from your lips.’

 I frowned and subconsciously bit my lower lip, unaware that his eyes followed the movement. Honestly, there was nothing interesting about me that sprang to mind in that moment, so I decided to offer him some mundane facts.

 ‘I graduated from the University of Oxford a few months ago with a first class honours in biomedical science.’ I started, my voice reeling off the information without much thought, ‘I started the programme about a year ago, but then I was only giving a pint of blood a week, I decided to take on this… promotion, if that’s what you want to call it… after graduation as a way to earn an income while I looked for a job related to my degree.’

 ‘Why science?’ he wondered, the leg that had been propped on his knee fell to the floor, allowing him to lean forward and rest his elbows on the table. I couldn’t help but blush at the genuine interest in his eyes; it was an emotion that no one had ever before regarded me with.

 ‘It was a subject that always fascinated me in school,’ I shrugged, clutching my legs tighter as his eyes narrowed.

 ‘No.’

 ‘No?’ I frowned.

 ‘No.’ he repeated simply, ‘you’re lying, Y/N. So I’ll ask again, why science?’

 I sighed, my shoulders slumping in defeat, but I should have known that lying wouldn’t work when he’d already tasted the truth in my blood.

 ‘I took science because I found it interesting, that wasn’t a lie, but the main reason was because… my mum was a scientist and I wanted to make her proud.’ My tone was hollow, not expecting him to understand the sentimentality behind my decision.

 ‘You miss your parents greatly.’ He said, his voice surprisingly gentle and I felt my eyes close in response as I nodded, ‘I can taste it. Your loss flows in your blood, but it is only a faint passing flavour. I’m sure your parents would be proud of your ability to move forward with your life, without completely forgetting about them.’

 My eyes fluttered open and I took a deep breath in an attempt to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over.

 ‘Thank you, I needed to hear that.’ My voice was quiet, probably too low for any human to hear, but the slight nod the Count aimed in my direction assured me he’d picked up my softly spoken words.

 ‘It’s been an hour.’ Dr Helsing’s voice startled me from my reverie, and I realised that I’d been staring into Dracula’s eyes, lost in the apparent warmth and uncharacteristic softness.

 ‘Why is the ceiling closed?’ Dr Helsing asked, her voice sounding a mixture of disapproving and curious.

 ‘I told them to close it.’ I said, standing from my chair, suddenly feeling very self-aware now that Dr Helsing had disrupted the calm little bubble that we had been immersed in. It was something I hadn’t realised existed until she had disrupted it, and I was surprised by the lack of concern over my internal revelation.

 ‘That was very stupid.’ She remarked with pursed lips as she approached the Count, who was now stood finding solace in the corner he’d been confined to when I’d first entered his cell.

 I didn’t respond to her comment, instead I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the glass wall across from the door. I stared blankly at the floor, wondering what I could do tonight; the few friends I had either had work, plans or were away on holiday. So going out wasn’t an option, but that was fine, honestly a quiet night in sounded absolutely perfect. Although a small part of me was yearning to stay in the Count’s company a little longer, I decided that leaving and giving myself some distance from the vampire was probably the best idea.

 ‘Well, I’ll be leaving then.’ I announced suddenly, unintentionally cutting off the conversation they’d been having.

 ‘So soon?’ Dracula asked. I wondered if I imagined the tremor of despair in his tone, but I shook it off.

 ‘Yes, I-I uh should be getting home. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ I offered him a small but genuine smile. Despite my earlier trepidation, meeting him had actually been rather pleasant and I’d found myself relaxed in his company—which was quite rare.

 ‘I’ll be seeing you soon, Y/N.’ His voice wrapped around me like a warm blanket and I found my eyes fluttering shut for a moment as I made my way to the door, as if to savour the feeling.

 If I hadn’t been so lost in that sensation and focused on making my way to the door without walking into something, I might’ve picked up on the dark promise that coated his words.

[ry-cynthiasu]

Put Sustenance on Our Own Choices

Introduction: 

  My life has changed significantly since 2019. In 2019, I experienced the struggle of university freshman. My confined soul from 2 years of high school made me want to explore more in my life, yet it also led me to find out how much I lacked to fulfill a “perfect” figure that I though was the sustenance of my motivation in school. Through the lockdown period in 2020, I had also closely experienced the desparate conflict between me and my family. I sought my way out through giving sustenance upon learning new skills. Yet, I really started to look into my mindset and emotion management in th eyear of 2021. This is the year with the most dramatic change. I started a relationship, yet ended because I lack the ability to control my mindset towards negativity in life. I have been trapped in the past agony. 

  I sincerely value the journey in this 3 years, God had made me encounter so many great people to make me grow, and provided me with this great family that work so hard to provide for my education. I wish to record this journey, and for everyone who is also in the process of pursuing their dream, I wish you feel supported with my story as well.

[2019] 

Starting university, getting to know more people? Learning how to drink, how to party? So many excited things I hoped to achieve.

I’m no longer the “smartest” student in the house.

When I started high school in Canada, the place where no one knows me, I show myself as a perfect person—no emotions, no weakness, good at sport, good at school.

It’s not that I don’t want to be perfect anymore in university, it’s because I can’t.

I was still scared to admit that I couldn’t do everything by myself. The arrogance turns me away from meeting more friends, turned me away from the opportunity to get to know more about the things outside of my small, confined world.  

I needed someone to lead me out of my world. I mean, it’s not wrong. When I needed help, and you are willing to help, then I’ll take whatever you gave me.

I met a friend who gave me a lot of support in the hard university life.

He is wild, dedicated, casual—something that I don’t have. Yet he is confused with his future, just like I did.

At that time, all I wanted was to study hard, and let people see that I am hard-working. My friend gave me a different mindset about studying--don’t be perfectionist, study for your own improvement, and apply them.

Since I got out of high school with no real friend made at all, I took this friendship as a sustenance for my simple life.

The fun thing was that our friendship broke because he confessed to me. That was the first time I felt like I have hurt someone.

That was the time I first realize, what I wish upon other people may not be real. I wished he was just a friend, but he wished more than that.

Yet, I must admit that it was genuinely a happy time, because I broke through many things that I haven’t tried, and really started to know the importance of keeping safe boundaries with people that you want to keep as friends.

I think someone’s mindset can be clearly illustrated by their expression. In 2019, although I had no goal, failed friendship, bad school scores, I didn’t need to worry anything outside of school.

My old friend took this picture, I was happy to have the support from him.

After this friendship failed, I looked back and found out that I was straight away trying to learn things from my friend, yet not caring too much about what he may feel. 

Although I could sense that he has some affection towards me, I was too selfish to let this sustenance of my joy in life go.

A very important thing I learned was that, whenever we lie to ourselves, the reality won’t lie. We are what we are, the real world would prove that. If we are not perfect, then we don’t pretend to be perfect.

[2020]

COVID hit so rapidly across the world.

School closed on March. That was the first time I’ve spent so much time with my mom, in such an empty house. Neither of us knew what to expect in the next step. Negativity creeps all over the house.

I started to find something that can help me keep track of my life, to help me not getting swallowed by the silence and emptiness in the house.

I started journaling, tried so many ways, realizing that I’m not an aesthetic journal keeper. I only keep the things I needed to do, needed to finish to get good grades. Things were simple, if I can still do well in school, the time is all mine.

I look at my achievements of doing different things for the sustenance in my life.

It was genuinely a nourishing experience for me. I got to learn ukulele, practicing calligraphy, making videos, and just creating my own brand on the social media.

I would still be gracious about what I have tried in that time because some of it has led to what I decided to be my career in the next year.

However, the conflict between me and my family was elevated at that time. My impatience and ungratefulness made me refuse to listen and communicate with them. I have been through many breakdowns, yet the problem hasn’t been solved--I didn’t know how to change my mindset.

I was very arrogent at the time, I though I would find a way to get out of the stressful household in a blink. I kept filling my time with school, internet, photography, and random info from everywhere. 

When my sister and her fiance invited me to travel with them, I was uninterested, because I didn’t share interests with my sister and mother. 

Being an unhappy teenager, I tried to refuse experiencing this journey. I ignore the feelings of my family and threw temper tentrums. 

I do think that what I learned during the lockdown period--photography, video editing, and just trying to build my own social media account, helped me found out about my passion in media career. 

Yet, it was a shame that I couldn’t figure out how to change my mindset of getting along with family members who have different opinions and values in their life. 

I wasn’t grateful for my family, and I wasn’t respectful.

[2021]

I came back to my home country for 5 months, and back to Vancouver at the start of 2021

Don’t konw if God was especially kind to me, I met a person who introduced me to a whole new mindset of living my life.

He was mature, yet he also had very similar struggle as I was----eager to get financial freedom.

But for sure, he was more realistic and more of an action-taker than me. I watched him grew and made progress, I admired him. 

Yet, I couldn’t start on myself, until he gave up on giving speech to me about how he made himself through the hardships--everyone has a limited patience of pulling someone through their problems, and when they grow faster and faster, they’ll leave you behind.

I wasn’t mature, I was dreaming that someone could take all my pains, my problems, and automatically turn my life to fast-forward mode.

And I was wrong, no one’s life can be automatic. When you think someone’s, success is automatic, you don’t see the days and nights they have tried to put things together to lead to where they are right now.

That was a biggest mistake I made, and even now I’m still affected by the mistake--the mistake of not taking action, and putting sustenance on someone else to drag me through the journey.

In the end, it is my choice to be better and keep learning. No one can be me, and no one can be there forever to drag me.

My past experience might not be an encouraging story, because I am still in the journey of building up my career. Yet, I truly believe that when someone wakes up, they become a whole new person.

The sun rise and set, and we are always on the track of our own choice. Changes are not made one day, it’s the combined effort of days and nights.

[bbaejohnnyluvr]

Mistake at the First Sight (Chapter III)

CHAPTER THREE

Pairing: Park Seonghwa x Female!Reader

Genre: Fluff, Romance, Enemies to Lover

Summary: You’re a transfer student from London and Park Seonghwa thought that you don’t know Korean language. Little did he know, you are actually a Korean who moved back to the place you were born.

A/N: Starting next chapter I will change my writing style to 3rd POV because I feel more comfortable that way ^^

<< Chapter Two

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Friends. That’s what he said. Friends. However, did he really want both of you to stay just as a friend? No. He feels like wanting more – scratch that. He wants something more than just a friend.

But, how can he say that to you when you are sitting across him, next to San, chatting with each other. Ever since that night, you and San are getting closer. Most of the times, San will sit next to you in the class while the other boys including Seonghwa sit behind both of you.

It’s irritating to him. It’s enough for both of you sitting next to each other during the class, but doing the same in cafeteria, well, guess who’s furious? The son of Park.

The way both you and San are laughing together bothers him a lot. Was it that funny that your eyes are almost gone from laughing happily? Was it that amusing that San’s hand keep caressing your back, trying his best to calm you down while doing the same to himself?

He wants to know what made both of you this close. He doesn’t remember you making that much conversation with the guy while at the bar. The only thing he noticed was the fact that San was the one who asked you to join them that night. However, he didn’t do it directly.

So, how can both of you become this close? As if both of you are a happy couple.

Couple. Holy. He wishes that it is not true. He wishes that San is no more than just a classmate to you. He wishes that San will never cross that line with you. He wants to convince himself that both of you aren’t together romantically. However, seeing the scene in front of him, it’s impossible to not think of it that way.

Seonghwa is too busy with his thought that he didn’t realize that San and the others already stand up on their feet to go to their class, leaving Seonghwa alone with you.

“Seonghwa,” you called but he didn’t response. You frown slightly before calling his name once again. Still, no reaction. You lean forward slightly to slap his cheek lightly, making sure that it’s not painful but enough to wake him up from his thought.

He blinks at you for a while before looking to his left and right. When did the people left? He turns to look at you before opening his mouth. “Where is everyone?”

“They all have another class. It’s Thursday, remember,” you answered his question.

Thursday – the only day that you and Seonghwa only have two classes while the others have three classes.

Seonghwa’s lip curls up into a wide smile at the sudden realization. Thursday had always been the day where Seonghwa get to spend his time alone with you. Both of you have done a lot. From watching movies to hang out at the convenient store nearby the university.

Thursday is the day where he will go back home, feeling happy and full. He loves the fact that both of you get to spend time together while your classmates are struggling trying to stay focus in the lecture.

But, his smile doesn’t last long today as he remembered the way you interacted with San earlier. Maybe you are closer to San because you get to be with him every day while with Seonghwa, both of you only have a day in a week to spend time together.

That can be the reason why you are not as close to him as you are with San.

“So, shall we go there?” Your question woke him up. He tilts his head slightly, his expression full of confusion. “Go where,” he asked.

You shake your head a bit as you look at him with a soft smile. You put both of your arms on the table and lean slightly to him.

“There is a new menu at the café in front of the university. Should we go there today?”

His eyes might be looking at you, his ears might listen to you but in his mind, there is you and San, being happy together. Should he decline your offer and spend the rest of the day filled with curiosity or go with you and ask about San?

He wants to take a rain check but today is the only day that both of you can hang out together. He doesn’t want to let the chance go but he doesn’t feel good after what he saw earlier. The fact that he overthinks it makes it even worse.

Seonghwa looks at you who are currently looking at him softly, resembling a puppy wanting a treat from its owner. Fuck, she’s cute.

Letting out a sigh, Seonghwa nods his head few times, making you smile widely at his answer. You stand up from your chair and grab your back before sling it on your shoulder.

“Let’s go.”

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“Do you want to add on anything?”  The waitress asked both of you, but mainly Seonghwa as she was looking – ogling – at him with sparkles in her eyes. You bite you inner cheek at the sight.

It’s not the first time you witnessed this. Ever since both of them stepped in here, this waitress had been trying to flirt with Seonghwa whenever she got the chance to. And today is not an exceptional.

Seonghwa lifts his head up to look at you. “Do you want to order anything else,” he asked. You close the menu and shake your head without muttering a word.

He takes your menu and put it with his before handing it over to the waitress, looking at her with his charming smile on his face. “That’s all for now. Thank you.”

The waitress takes the menu and let her eyes linger on Seonghwa for extra seconds before bowing her head a bit and walk away to the kitchen.

You look down at your fingers on the table while Seonghwa looks at you. None of you bothers to mutter a single word to each other.

Your head is filled with how the waitress keep trying to gain Seonghwa’s attention and the fact that Seonghwa doesn’t notice it bothers you a lot.

You don’t know why you feel uncomfortable with the way she always looked at him with her flirty eyes. Her face plastered with the I-love-you smile. She always purposely took her time taking the menu away from him, just so that she can look at him a while longer.

It annoys you and you don’t know why – or maybe you know but refuse to acknowledge it.

“You’re so close with San nowadays.” Seonghwa’s words poofed your thoughts away and make you lift your face up to look at him.

“Yeah, I’ve been hanging out with him the past few weeks,” you said to Seonghwa, oblivious at the rapid change of his facial expression.

Just like what he thought, you and San had been spending a lot of time together which explained how both of you can be so close when it’s only been two months since you came here. Is he jealous? Yes, yes he is.

He wants to be like that with you. He wants to be able to sit next to you and laugh together with you. He wants to calm you down by caressing your back, just like San did. He wants to be intimate with you. But, he can’t. He is not that close to you.

Although both of you had been hanging out together, Seonghwa rarely initiate any type of skinship, and so do you. The last time both of you actually looked so close was when you were treating his injuries at his house. After that, it’s always casual talks like a classmate talking to another classmate.

“Are you happy with him?” He asked. Your eyes stay on him to study his expression. He is looking down now. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve say that he is sad.

“Well, we’ve been spending our time doing fun things so I guess I am happy.”

Seonghwa clench his jaw as his hands clasp together. He doesn’t know how to react to this. You just confirmed to him that both you and San are enjoying your time together. He licks his lip before looking at you, a soft smile plastered on his face.

“I hope you guys will stay together for a long time.” His words got you choked on you saliva. What the fuck is this guy talking about?

You can’t conceal the surprise expression on your face. Your eyes widened and your jaw dropped. You can’t believe what just came out from his mouth.

“Why did you say that, Seonghwa?” Your question makes him twist his lip for a few moments before letting out a soft sigh. “San, he is your boyfriend, right?”

It took a while for you to react but as soon as you registered what he was saying, you burst into a laugh. He is shock at the sudden expression. Did he say something funny to make you laugh so loud until you had to hold your stomach in order to stop yourself?

“You did it once again, Park Seonghwa,” you told him after you finally calmed yourself down. He looks at you with confusion apparent on his face.

You lift up one of your hand to use your palm as a support for your chin as your eyes watch him amusingly. "San is not my boyfriend, but Jiyeon’s.”

Now it’s his turn to be surprise. How can San be Jiyeon’s boyfriend when he is so close with you? His frowns get deeper as he tries to figure out the connection.

As if reading his mind, you open your mouth to give an explanation. “That night where San invited me, he and Jiyeon had been hitting on each other ever since the new semester started. After the night, Jiyeon and San got closer than ever and few days after that, they are together.”

Seonghwa put his fingers at the bridge of his nose. His face then lit up when he realize something. “Then, why did both of you look so close? Why did he sit next to you in class every day? Why did you guys laughed happily at the cafeteria today? Where is Jiyeon?”

“Didn’t you notice that Jiyeon sit on the other side of him? He sat in the middle of us because the air conditioner was placed at the center and he doesn’t want Jiyeon to get cold so he always made us both sit on his side. Jiyeon was absent today because she fell sick and we were laughing because he showed me a picture of Jiyeon sleeping while they were on video call.”

He nods his head after you finished explaining to him. His lip slowly curls up into a smile. He can feel that his heart is finally at ease now. He feels so much better now. He was so happy in his thought that he didn’t notice you leaning in and flick his forehead, making him yelp in pain.

“Why did you do that,” he yelled as his fingers try to soothe the pain on his forehead. You stick out your tongue at him. “That’s what you get for judging something without asking again.”

As if on cue, the waitress came to your table with a tray on her hand. She put down the tray on the table to serve your food first. “Here’s aglio olio and ice tea for the lady…”

She turns to look at Seonghwa then flash a flirty smile towards him before continuing her words. “… And carbonara with milk tea for the man.”

Seonghwa turns his head to look at her before smiling softly and mutters a thank you to her with you watching the whole thing.

You feel like your eyes almost roll itself to the back and you try your best not to gag at the sight. It’s a sore for your eyes. Can’t they just act like the normal worker and customer? Can they not flirt around as if you aren’t there?

You thank god once she finally walks away from the table. Your gaze turns sharply at Seonghwa who is currently eating his food.

The way he just calmly eat his foods as if nothing happened annoys you. Didn’t this guy notice how she’s trying so hard to get to know him? Hitting on a customer should be illegal by now. It makes you feel mad.

But, if you think about it carefully, you’ve seen him around girls quite a lot of times before. The fact that he even let you in his house – a girl – and only the two of you in there says a lot about how he interact with other women. Somehow, deep inside your heart, you feel shattered… and disappointed.

Seonghwa notices that you’ve been staring at your food for few minutes now. He waves his hand in front of your face, trying to make you look at him.

“Why aren’t you eating your food?” He asked. You clear your throat and shake your head before picking up the fork and start eating your food.

None of you make conversation while eating and it had always been that way ever since both of you start hanging out together. It’s a normal thing to enjoy your foods in silence. But, why do you feel slightly uncomfortable? Is it because what happened just now?

A lot of things are running in your mind but you chose not to say anything until both you and Seonghwa finished the foods and drinks. You glance at your watch and it’s almost five o’clock in the evening.

“I’m going to toilet for a while,” you said to Seonghwa as you stand up from your seat and walk to the restroom. You turn on the tap and wash your hand with soap before turning it off and look at the mirror.

Why does it bother you so much? She is just a waitress so it is her job to be friendly with her customers. However, deep down, you know that she wants is more than just an interaction between worker and customer. She wants an interaction as a man and a woman with Seonghwa and nothing annoys you more than that.

You have to admit that Seonghwa is an attractive, charming man. His face itself screams visual and his height never fail to compliment his outfit. He can wear a sack and still looks good. His voice is soft and it almost sounds like a lullaby for you.

At first, you thought that he was just another conceited guy but no. He is a kind man. He is always nice and always take care of those around him. The thing that you love the most about him is the way he treats his friends. It almost look like he is taking care of a family.

Just the thought of it is enough to make your heart beat like crazy. Is this what love feels like?

You inhale some of the air and exhale through your mouth. You straighten your clothes and walk out of the restroom, just to see a sight that you refuse to watch.

There she is, standing in front of Seonghwa with his credit card in her hand. Her cheeks are blushing and she looks flustered. Right at that moment, Seonghwa hands her a tissue before she walks away, looking all shy.

You roll your eyes and scoff at the sight. You have watched a lot of dramas and movies to know that is a way to exchange numbers. So, this is his way of giving out his number to a woman. You stomp over the table and grab your bag.

“I’ll make my way home first,” you said and turn your heel without waiting for his response and walk out of the café.

What is wrong with her? He thought before taking his bag and follows you out of the place, trying to catch up with you.

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“So, how is it? Did he say he will contact you?” Her friend – a cashier asked behind the counter. The waitress shakes her head lightly.

“I gave him a tissue with my number on it when he called me to make a payment…” She looks down at the piece of tissue in her hand before her lip form a small smile.

“… But he rejected me by replying in here.”

She put the tissue on the counter, making it visible to her friend.

XXX-XXX-XXX

I LIKE YOU

I’m sorry but I’m in love with the girl that came with me - Seonghwa

                                                                                                     Chapter four >>