#but in reality this last line along with music and the change of tone to a much intense one is an indicator that

[pendragora]

"Her love is yours...

But only if you give your heart to her."

This particular part of the verse is hitting different every single time

[existentialmagazine]

Review: myah continues her streak of stand-out emotive pop with her latest offering ‘I’ll Be Your Light’

With a recent abundance of new singles and a growing name for herself, the upcoming artist myah has been slowly but surely proving why she’s one to watch - and her newest single ‘i’ll be your light’ just keeps showing why.

Gracing her listeners ears with yet another song this year, myah lightly switches gears for something a little bit more pop-y in ‘i’ll be your light.’ Through whirring synth distortions and hushed electronic beats, the track begins to play out like you’re at the bathroom in a club, listening to the music on slow-mo. With every pounding note and pulsating echo, you’re both incentivised to dance and pulled in deeper to the more aching edge of the sound. As her low-toned vocals follow suit, myah’s every word lingers on the carefully structured sound, adding her own sulking and somber undertone but not without slowly growing towards a dominant display of range, power and confidence too. It’s mesmerising, from the opening moments that feel sincere and slow, to the progressive growth and emotions that seep through, you’re caught along for the lyrical ride as much through sound as you are myah’s words.

With another narrative of heartbreak, similar to her last single ‘everything’, myah continues through picking up the pieces of an unexpected end to something once envisioned to be forever – or perhaps it’s just about another love entirely. Through the opening question ‘is this how it ends for us?’, she doesn’t waste any time in establishing the situation either, already prepared for the worst. Continuing ‘you took what was left of me’, there seem to be feelings of resentment or perhaps just an acknowledgement that through heartbreak we all lose a part of ourselves, no longer who we were beforehand. Change seems unavoidable though, working through the difficulties of what a life apart will bring:  ‘hate that the movers came… hate that they painted the place, hate that they emptied all our shared things.’ Though expected, the harsh reality of their shared space becoming once again unknown mimics their relationship too, a familiar place now a stranger, somewhere that can never be returned to no matter how badly they desire to. Everything about it carries the raw experience of losing someone you love, slowly exploring the emotions that untangle and all of the unexpected lows that you’ll hit along the way.

The chorus absolutely dazzles in contrast, a picture of vibrancy as the instrumentals explore layers of scattered beats, synthetic padding and bright pops. Backing vocals add a haunting touch to some of myah’s lines too, a ghostly repetition that lingers just like the emotions in play. It’s loud and warm, bold but personal, challenging you to allow yourself to feel even when it’s overwhelming.

With a bridge that’s stripped-back, accompanied at first by only pulsating beats and dreamy backing vocals, the final cathartic outburst comes into play. Slowly building in layers of sound but remaining soft and light, all before one final chorus crash sees things out. It’s hard not to love, and even harder not to sing along with, so don’t miss out on checking out the full song for yourself here.

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Unknown

// This coverage was supported and created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.

[bloodorangesoup]

Ice Cream and Bad TV | B.B.

Request: Late night thoughts : The only porn bucky watches are the ones that come on tv at like 2 or 3 in the mornings. Imagine cuddling up with him on his living room floor, aimlessly clicking around until you stumble upon the channel & he gets flustered & shy about it & you fuck him while porn plays in the background. Like I think it’s so romantic🥺🥺 riding him while the soft glow of the tv illuminates his face. His moans & grunting blending in with the actors 😫😫

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 3.6k (this was supposed to be a drabble but I cannot for the life of me control myself)

Warnings: NSFW 18+ | cuddle fucking, unprotected sex(pretend ur on birth control for a sec)(still wrap it b4 your tap it), flustered Bucky, porn talk, the tiniest bit of sub!Bucky for like half a second, fluffy smut, you get the gist

My Masterlist

Notes: I did this in one sitting so sorry if it’s repetitive or has any mistakes. I think I have a major soft sport for flustered Bucky. I also had to think of a realistic name for a TV porn channel so bear with me. This is my first time writing smut in non-headcanon form so let me know how I did! Happy reading!

It was 2am on a Thursday night when your phone rang with your boyfriend's caller I.D. This wasn't the first time that Bucky had called you for this instance, it became a routine for you to talk him down after a nightmare and you prepared to do so when you picked up. Usually the first thing you would hear was his heavy breaths, the anxious buzz in his body making him fumble his words as he tried to focus on talking to you, so you were surprised to be met with still breathing and his typical deep, steady voice.

"Doll? You there?"

"Yeah, Buck, I'm here," you replied with a yawn, trying to sound as awake as possible. Bucky could hear the airiness of your voice and let out a sigh.

"Sorry, baby, I woke you up."

"You say that every time, I don't mind waking up for you. Besides, I don't have work tomorrow so I don't exactly need my beauty rest."

There was a pause. You could still hear static from the other side of the call but Bucky didn't say a word.

"Buck? You okay?" As if you snapped him out of a daydream, his hurried words rushed through the phone.

"Yeah yeah, sorry. I'm kind of out of it right now, I had another bad dream."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" You had expected his usual answer of yes, then you would listen to his thoughts and comfort him through the horrific reality that were his nightmares.

"You said you don't have work tomorrow? Do you think you could come over right now? Actually never mind, I don't know what I'm saying, it's 2am." You could practically see Bucky shaking his head as he took back his question.

"I'll be there in twenty, James. You better have some blankets and pillows ready for me because we're taking over your couch."

Bucky let out a breath over the line, "See you soon, y/n, love you."

"Love you more," you said quickly before hanging up, not letting him get in the last 'I love you.'

~

Forty minutes later you found yourself on Bucky's lap on his living room floor. You two had abandoned the idea of the couch and chose to make a small fort with the couch as your scaffolding. There was a surprising amount of pillows and blankets surrounding the two of you, you had no idea Bucky even owned them all.

He sat with his back against the couch, your legs laid over his and your arms were around his neck, bringing his head down to your chest. He talked about his nightmare, sparing you the gruesome details, and once he was done he closed his eyes and leaned further into your chest, breathing in your scent. You gave the crown of his head a kiss and rested your head atop his. Comfortable silence washed over the two of you before you spoke up.

“You know what always makes me feel better?” you asked, lifting your head just enough to look down at him.

“What?” he mumbled into your chest. A soft smile graced your face at his cuteness.

“Ice cream and bad TV!” you announced excitedly before wiggling out of his grasp.

You did a little jog to his kitchen and reached down into the freezer to grab a small pint of ice cream you knew Bucky always kept stashed for you whenever you came around. Picking up two spoons and turning off all the lights in the apartment on your way, you quickly made your way back into the living room, lifting Bucky’s arms to situate yourself back into your position on his lap. You popped the lid of the small tub and handed it to Bucky along with a spoon. With your hands now free, you felt around in the dark for the remote and turned on the TV.

Waiting for the TV to completely turn on, you ate a spoonful of ice cream. You hummed at the taste of the cold sweetness coating your tongue. You gasped as you opened your eyes, finding Bucky scooping out some ice cream and lowering it to your mouth.

“Oh wait, let me make this cuter!” you squealed with your eyes wide.

Copying Bucky’s actions, you took a spoonful and lifted it to his lips, the both of you opening wide and feeding each other. You giggled at the cliché moment and Bucky couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at how adorable you were.

You turned back to the TV, lifting the remote in your hands to change the channel to anything but the news that was already playing on the screen. As you flipped through sports recaps, music channels, infomercials, and movies that were already almost over, you sighed.

“Ugh, there’s nothing good on. Maybe if I start from the end of the list there’ll be better stuff,” you huffed.

Before Bucky could register what you said you had already typed in the biggest number you could enter and began flipping down through channels. Surfing through the empty screens, you landed on one called HotNet and suddenly the screen was completely taken over by a pair of boobs which then cut to a woman on her back and a man on top of her, rutting into her at a slow pace, while her moans echoed throughout the apartment. You quickly shuffled with the remote, trying to turn the volume down from it’s loud setting, spooked at the loud, obscene noise coming from the speaker.

“Oh my gosh, I wasn’t expecting that,” you laughed into Bucky’s chest, “God, I hope your neighbors didn’t hear that.”

Bucky stared at the screen with wide eyes, hoping you would change the channel before noticing that the channel was in the On Demand section. You gasped through your laugh, collecting yourself before turning back to the TV and shaking your head.

“Jeez, I didn’t even know they still had porn like this on public television.” You looked back down at the remote, clicking the Guide button. Bucky’s heart stopped as the description took over the screen, the video still playing in the top right corner. In bold letters the words On Demand titled the card. Even worse, the bottom of the screen displayed a small box containing the information,

$19.99

purchased with debit card xxxx-9758

You furrowed your brows in confusion, realization slowly softening them, before a mischievous smirk took over your face. You lifted your head to look at Bucky, his face looked down at your lap, refusing to meet your eyes. You tapped the bottom of his chin with the remote, lifting his head to meet your gaze.

“Did you order TV porn, Jamie?” He could hear the teasing tone in your voice, and you only ever used that nickname when joking around, yet Bucky still felt extremely embarrassed. He felt as if he just got walked in on while touching himself. It didn’t help that it was you that saw it, he wanted to crawl in a hole and never look back.

“Ah, you’re blushing,” you squealed as you took his cheeks in your hands, “oh come on, it’s not that embarrassing Bucky.”

“Ugh, can we please pretend you didn’t just see that,” Bucky groaned, closing his eyes to escape your stare. He set down the ice cream next to him and lifted his forearm over his eyes.

You let out a breathy laugh, grabbing his shoulders to stabilize yourself and pushing up to swing your leg under you to the other side of his lap, you straddled him.

“Hey, it’s really not that bad. I mean we’ve had sex before Buck, I think you’d rather have me find this than Sam or someone else.” He let out another groan and lowered his head to lean against your neck.

“Angel, please don’t talk about Sam while you’re on top of me and there’s porn playing on the TV.”

You laughed and ran your hands down his arms, letting one of your hands run up behind his neck and weaving your fingers into his hair. You gripped the back of his head and gently tugged him back up to face you.

“Why,” you sang, deciding to have some fun with him in his flustered state, “is this turning you on?” you whispered the last part.

Before he could respond you leaned down and kissed him. You didn’t bother to start off slow as you usually would, Bucky could taste the hunger from every parting of your lips. His hands gripped your waist, you rocked your weight forwards to rub against him. Bucky’s head clouded, his senses felt overloaded in the best way possible, your movements mixed with the sounds of the moaning coming from the TV were getting him hot. You pulled back before getting too carried away, a smile on your swollen lips.

“So, baby, tell me about it.” You said. It was Bucky’s turn to furrow his brows and he cocked his head to the side in question, mind still foggy from the feeling of you grinding on him.

“What kind of porn do you watch?” you clarified, looking at him like you just asked what his favorite color was.

“Uhm, you want to know about that stuff?” Bucky looked at you with caution, feeling out if he should listen to you or not.

“Well, yeah. I mean I don’t know how it was back then, but most people nowadays watch porn. It’s not super taboo to talk about it,” you explained. You weren’t going to force him to talk about it if he really didn’t want to, but your desire to hear what Bucky was into was strong.

He hesitated for a moment, looking in your eyes and seeing curiosity clouded with lust. He cleared his throat.

“Well, pretty much this stuff,” he gestured with his hand to the TV before putting it back on your waist, “there’s this girl on there, she kinda looks like you, so I buy the videos with her.” He closed his eyes and internally groaned at his words, he didn’t mean to come off so perverted. God, you had already found his porn, the last thing he needed was for you to be thinking he was a creep.

“Y’know that’s actually kinda sweet,” you giggled, “what do you like about those videos?”

Feeling a bit more comfortable knowing you weren’t grossed out, Bucky continued.

“I like the ones where it’s dark and slow. It’s usually quiet and there’s candles and stuff,” he explained shyly. Of all the surprises that came with dating Bucky, you had to admit finding out he was into romantic porn was one of the biggest ones.

Bucky cleared his throat again before questioning you, “Do you watch porn?” He felt almost wrong asking that. He knew that women in this age were more sexually liberated, but the words still felt sticky in his mouth.

“Oh, yeah, of course I do.” Bucky seemed surprised at how casually you answered. He raised his eyebrows, silently asking you to go on.

“Well specifically, I actually really like the videos that are like this,” you said, your head looking down at you straddling him, he followed your gaze, taking in how nice you felt on his lap. You leaned forward, bracing your hands on his chest. Your faces were so close your noses were almost touching. You could feel his rapid heart beat under your palm and the quick rise and fall of his chest. “Do you ever watch the ones that look like this, Bucky?” He looked up at you and nodded with wide eyes, his pupils were blown and his mouth was open like he was searching for the words to respond.

You grasped his jaw in your hand, your thumb on his chin, and looked him in the eyes. You wanted nothing more than to jump his bones, but with the newfound knowledge you had, you took your time with your actions. Within the last five minutes, Bucky had revealed to you not only that he liked soft, romantic porn, but that he also watched a specific actress because she looks like you. The one goal in your head was to fulfill his fantasy the best you could at the moment.

With his head still in your hand, you held your eye contact as you let your knees move out, grinding yourself against his growing erection. He let out an involuntary whimper. That was the last straw. You pulled his face to yours, joining him in a hard, yet loving kiss. Your arms wrapped around his neck, pushing your chest against his, trying to get as close as possible.

Bucky’s dick was painfully hard. He couldn’t focus on anything but the feeling of you on top of him. His body felt like it was on fire, he was insatiably horny and couldn’t control the way his hips bucked up to grind with you. He felt like a horny teenager the way his mind was filled only with images of you naked, imagining you like that on top of him like you were now.

You slipped your tongue past his lips, keeping your pace slow as you glided it across and bit at his lower lip. A moan made its way out of your mouth and into his as you felt him buck up against you.

You slid your hands down his chest, fumbling with the hem of his shirt before his arms raised, giving you access to peel it off him, throwing it up on the couch. Bucky kissed down your neck, licking over the shell of your ear, and sucking at the center of your throat. He reached down and slipped his hands under your shirt, sliding up and down your waist before gliding up and lifting your shirt over your head, discarding it with his.

Bucky wasted no time reaching around you and unclipping your bra and dragging it down your shoulders. He cupped your breasts, squeezing them with his large hands before bringing you into another tender kiss. Despite your frantic movements, there was a spark of passion cracking through the air, the both of you desperate to feel each other closer.

You broke the kiss, breathing heavily and resting your forehead against his.

“I wanna make love to you, y/n, please, let me make love to you,” he groaned with a slight whine in his voice. He sounded like he was about to crack.

“Please, Bucky.”

You leaned back on your hands and lifted your hips, giving Bucky the room to pull down your shorts and panties in a few swift tugs. He quickly got up on his knees and pulled down his sweats and boxers, sitting back down and tugging them off his legs. You reached your arms forward, Bucky grabbing a hold of your wrists and pulling you back to straddle him again. You gasped at the feeling of his cock under your bare pussy, your wetness from all the grinding and kissing making you slide over him.

You leaned forwards, capturing his lips between yours and raising yourself up on your knees. Reaching under yourself, you gripped his cock, wet with your arousal, and lined him up with your cunt. Bucky gripped your hips as you sank down on him, using every ounce of self control to stop himself from rutting up into you. You stayed like that for a second, adjusting to the way he filled you. Seeing the remote lying on the floor, you grabbed it and slightly turned up the volume, only enough so that you and Bucky could hear the actress in the video being ravished by her co-star.

Bracing your hands on his shoulders, you began to slowly move up and down over him, riding him just as you had told him you liked to watch. His hands moved up from your waist, squeezing your tits, pinching your nipples in between his fingers. You let out a hiss as he rolled them between his fore finger and his thumb, tugging on and rubbing his thumbs over them. He reached around to grab your ass, squeezing and rubbing your cheeks and you used him to pleasure yourself.

You were a moaning mess over him and he wasn’t much different. The room was filled with the sounds of the porn playing on the TV mixed with the sounds of your own cries of pleasure. If the neighbors hadn’t been woken up by the TV, they sure were by you two.

Bucky sat back on his knees, his hands slid down to your thighs, moving your legs from under them and wrapping your legs around his back. His arms worked their way back up to wrap around your waist, bringing you ever so close. The new angle pushed him even deeper up into you. He buried his head in the crook of your neck, giving you access to all the sweet, desperate sounds falling from his lips.

You were now pushing up with your feet behind him, rolling your hips over his. The new technique made your clit rub over his pelvis, the sensation making you throw your head back and let out a deep moan. He took the opportunity to continue kissing your neck, going lower with every lick and bite. He sucked at your collarbone, leaving a deep purple mark in its place.

Suddenly, he was using his arms to lift you up, not pulling out of you, and laying you down on the blanket-covered floor. You instinctively locked your ankles together, pulling him closer as he thrusted into you. Bucky had his metal arm holding himself up while his flesh one squeezed your breasts, feeling them move with his thrusts. He lowered his head to your chest and licked one of your nipples, grazing his teeth over it before taking it in between his lips and sucking. Your hands flew to the back of his head, singing praises as you wove your fingers into his hair. He continued to alternate between your breasts, leaving love bites around them and sucking on their sensitive peaks.

You could feel your body buzz with anticipation, you were so close. The moans escaping your mouth were lewd and uncontrolled. Bucky wrapped his flesh hand around your waist, lifting your chest flush against his.

You snaked your arms around his neck, pulling yourself up to kiss him. Nothing felt better than making love with Bucky felt. This was definitely not the first time you two had been intimate, but none of those previous times had ever been like this. You could feel the passion flowing through his body into yours. You looked up at his form over you, how beautiful he looked with the light of the TV screen glistening against the beads of sweat on his forehead. There was absolutely nothing in the world compared to having him, in all his beauty, to yourself like this.

Bucky’s heart was exploding in his chest. What had started out as an embarrassing, nightmare-fueled night had turned into the most intimate experience he ever had in his life. Love was already established in your relationship, but Bucky had never truly made love to you. He looked down in awe at your disheveled state, at the way your hair was sticking to your forehead, at the way the only light in the room gave you an angelic glow. He wanted nothing more than to give himself completely to you, to make you come all over him.

He leaned his forehead against yours, pushing his face forward once every few seconds to kiss you. He was close, and he wanted you to come with him. He leaned into you even more, his cheek pressed against yours, his lips next to your ear.

“I love you so much, y/n, God, you feel so good. I love you, I love you,” Bucky’s voice was deep and strained, his words being emphasized by each push into your wet pussy. You let out another loud moan.

“I love you, James,” you whined as he hit your sweet spot, “I love you so much.”

Bucky’s hand wedged itself in between the two of you, his fingers finding your clit and gently rubbing it. You were completely overwhelmed, this is what it felt like to make love to someone. Your body began to shake and your breathing became erratic. Bucky thrusted harder, working to push you over the edge.

“I want you to come in me, Bucky,” you gasped as his thrusts got faster and lost their rhythm.

Your mouth turned open in a silent scream as you came. Bucky felt your walls clench around him, squeezing the life out of him. He let out a shaky groan as he fell over the edge. His eyes shut tight and his body tensed as he spilled into you.

Wrapping his metal arm around your back and securing your body to his, he rolled on his flesh shoulder onto his back. You went limp against him, laying your head on his chest, listening to his heart beat slow down. He was still buried within you, connected to you. Letting your eyelids fall shut, you savored the feeling of being full of him and his love.

You lifted your head to kiss his jaw.

“I’m glad you called me, Bucky. I love you.”

“I am too, doll. I love you more.”

[mywritingonlyfans]

Angst fic with Damiano David

prompt: a angsty about reader being sad (dami bff) 'cause damiano doesn't feel the same way romantically. ps. there's a lot of victoria de angelis being a angel in this fic, and it's basically about reader going through it.

warnings: none? it's just a bit sad and longer than usual.

 All the soft touches still tingled all over your body. His scent was until now stuck to you, you never thought you’d feel happy to have woody essence along with cigarette smoke on you. 

 Folding the sleeve of his sweater, you put your tea in one of the cups you always use when you were there. His cotton piece was comfortable, making you didn't regret wearing it in the morning; it was cold and wearing your tank top from the night before didn't feel right. The shorts from yesterday, that were making your legs freeze were enough trouble for you to handle. The remnants of your clothes and belongings were collected from the floor of his room and placed carefully on his headboard, you made sure you were being quiet. Damiano has always been a heavy sleeper, but your counscious prevented you from risking disturbing him when he looks so peaceful. You had already spent much time at his place so you memorized where every thing in his kitchen - and others rooms - was; baking eggs and making tea wasn’t a mystery for you. You had even separated a Tylenol tablet for Damiano, so he could have it with his tea when he woke up with a wicked hangover. He wasn't the type to get drunk and forget what he did, nor were you. Since when you were teenagers, you have gone out and been drunk together a lot of times, and although your feelings were already present, nothing never happened. This time, however, alcohol helped injecting a dose of courage on him. Being honest with yourself, you didn't remember who started it; but the kiss in the midst of the loud music, his hand on the back of your neck, the exchanging glances while dancing and the moment he took you home, they were pretty vividly in your mind. You still felt relaxed, as if his sweaty body was still over yours. Minutes with your eyes closed was enough to feel his eyes roaming your body all over again.

“Hi,” he said in a slurred voice, cutting off your line of thoughts. You jumped, briefly scared but soon turned your attention to reality; a tired Damiano scratching his eyes in front of you.

He was dressed, wearing sweatpants and sweatshirt, duly comfortable according to the weather. 

 “Headache?” You knew he was. He was always a good drinker, he put up with it a lot, but he was never one to get rid of the effects of alcohol on the next day. You, on the other hand, got on better with this issue; fortunately from the night before, only the good moments remained with you.

“Yeah, a bit,” he giggled. “What a night, I’d say.” He added, in a lower tone. What was acceptable, you also felt a bit weird to be in front of him.

“I got you some pills,” you pointed it out to him on the counter, trying to maintain a normal behavior; with no shacking voice or sweaty hands. Quite impossible. “I made tea too.”

“Dear God, you’re a life saver!” He smiled at you, eyes crinkled and all of his perfect teeth on display. Contagious.

You grinned, feeling your body getting lighter. “No worries. I’m glad to help.”

“Y’know, when I woke up and saw that you weren't there I thought you were gone. You know? Friendship destroyed and that whole thing. I’m happy to see you; relieved.” He took a sip of his tea, and maybe a bit of your heart with it. You were an explosion of feeling when it comes to him, you always have been. “That sweater looks good on you, you can keep it if you want. You know that’s my fave one.” And, yeah, you knew.

The tension on you was no longer intense, comforting you to let out the breath you were holding. “It’s good to hear that,” Your genuine smile managed to say many things, you wished Damiano had noticed you earlier on other occasions. “Do you remember that one time, when we were younger, that you were a bit crazy about a girl; Alice was his name.” You stopped; in need of air - nervous - and watched Dami's attentive face. “She was the first person to whom you dedicated a song, you played it to her at school break. The cutest thing I had ever seen. I think it was there that I realized, a little jealous—“

“Y/N,” his voice had been almost inaudible, causing no effect. Had he really tried?

“How in love I was with you.”

His face was paler than usual, he was paralyzed; speechless. You had never seen Damiano like this, the men was always all over the place in a sweet talkative mess.

It took a few minutes for you to be able to read his expressions and realize how fucked up you were. The dose of happiness in your blood had been able to manipulate you to believe in what you most wanted to happen.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” your blood had gone up to your ears, all you could pay attention to was the pressure in your head. How had you thought that after one specific night he would suddenly decide that he was in love with you? After all of this time that you were just a good friend for him? “I’m truly sorry but I’m don’t—“

“Feel the same way?” You finished. He nodded, apprehensively. You have never felt so stupid. It was a mixture of shame, fear and insecurity. You were unable to look directly at him, you knew that there was no change in following a friendship after what you just said, much less after the night before. You had never been so screwed.

“I’m the one who should be apologizing, I shouldn’t have said a thing.” You whispered, realizing that the lump in your throat had turned into tears that you didn't even know were running down your face.

“Come here,” he opened his arms, walking towards your emotionless frame. You allowed yourself to melt in his grip. 

 Your tears fell freely; you could even try to hold it back but there was no strength left for you to think about it. Your crying was silent, as was the kitchen room. Your head was full of questions and cursing at yourself. Suddenly you wished Damiano had yelled at you, asked you to get out of there or said he wouldn't never speak to you again. It seemed easier to deal with it in this alternative way than to have him comforting you for loving him. “Shh, it’ll alright. I could never be mad at you.”

He talked about your friendship, but you knew that nothing would end up well. Maybe for him. But for you? It’d not be that easy. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I should have known better, you were so loving with me last night that I thought— Fuck, we slept together. Which I know isn’t your fault because I don’t even remember who—“

“Stop, Y/N. Look at me,” He was being careful. You were making a person like Damiano calculate his words, that made you feel like pure shit. You stopped talking, looking at him was still difficult. He understood that you wouldn’t be doing so. “That’s fine. I don’t feel bad about you liking me in that way, you’re wonderful. I don't regret anything, last night was great, but I just... don't feel the same. I’d never do anything to hurt you. I can't even imagine how hard it’s being for you right now.” His words sounded sweet and sincere. He had tears in his eyes as well. His ability to be so empathetic to everyone was something you loved the most about him. He was probably killing himself on the inside for breaking you.

You nodded, leaning on the counter. You wanted to ask him if he remembered that he was your first kiss at the age of seven or all the times he sent you vinyl records with some message - that he had written himself - inside the cover. How did he not feel the same, shouldn't you be everything he wanted?

“Dami?” You sighed. Your eyes were red, your face probably swollen. You then looked straight at him; that surprisingly wasn’t much better than you. “Have you ever looked at me and seen me in another way? Something more than just your best friend?”

He didn’t say a thing, just look at you standing there. You get it.

“I think I should go,” You broke the silence that had been formed. You thought about taking his sweater off, but since you weren't wearing anything underneath, you thought it was better not; you’d have to go to his room to change, and then pick up your things only to delay your leaving.

“I can drive you home,” he said in a hush, looking for his car keys.

“It’s okay, a walk will be fine.”

“It’s fucking freezing outside, I can't let you walk over there like that.”

You ignored what he said, walking around the house to the front exit. He tried to grab your arm just for you to step back.

“I know you're just trying to help, but I need to be alone right now, without you near me.” You tried to say it in the most normal way possible, you didn't want to be mean, you only wanted to be fair to yourself.

“Sure.” It was the last thing you heard him say before you left, feeling the cold wind on your body. You didn't know if he had entered his house again or if he was watching you hug yourself as walking slowly to somewhere. You wouldn't dare to look back.

--------------------------------------------------------

“C’mon girl, get up here,” Upon hearing the husky, strong voice, you were relieved. 

 Victoria wasn’t wearing her usual jewelry and looked like she had just been woken up by force. You weren’t as close to her as you were with the other boys, however, you had never been so happy to see her.

You got in her car. “Thank you,”

“God, you look terrible. You’re fine?” You looked at your reflection in the rearview mirror and well, fine was definitely something you didn't look like.

“Dami asked you to come and get me?” Your throat was scratching, it was difficult to speak.

“Yeah,” she looked at you quickly, but due to your discomfort she backed off. More tears would come. “He didn't say why though, he just said he needed someone to come to you before you froze to death.” She said it in a way that made you laugh, even with your eyes filled with tears. “Did the two of you have a disagreement? You don't have to answer me if you don't want to.”

“Something similar.” You said shakily; due to your crying and chilly. Inside the car was heated, but your body was so cold that it didn't seem to be enough. You tried to snuggle in the passenger seat, letting your head rest against the window like in a sad film. Maybe that’d help.

“Here,” she handed you a coat, without hesitation you took it. “I brought it to you in case you needed it.”

You nodded slowly. “Thank you, Victoria,”

“You can call me Vic, just like everyone else,” she laughed.

You gave her a half smile. “Okay then, thank you very much, Vic,”

The rest of the day would be crying while you curled up in your bed, you’d let yourself feel at your worst; promising that you would try and change that the next day.

———----------------------------------------------

You expected the first few days to be the hardest, but it seemed to get worse with each passing day. Damiano had tried to call you a few times and in all of them you responded dryly, using short words, pretending it’d be okay. You truly tried, but you needed time to process what happened. You told him that, and then time he gave you.

After completing a month of the incident, you noticed how 'dependent' you had become on him. He was always around since you were kids, any problem you had you would look for him to talk to, now you felt like you had nothing. Your friends were friends of his, too, more of his friends than yours. You missed having Thomas failing on teaching you how to play guitar on your couch and besides you thought about calling him - just to distract yourself - you remembered that he was more a friend of Damiano than yours. It’d be weird. None of them contacted you at that time, not even Thomas. You couldn't figure it out if Dami had told them what happened and they decided to give you space or if they just didn't care about you when you wasn’t around Damiano.

Basically, where Dami was you would be and vice versa. It had always been like that.

When you saw that just time wasn’t solving anything, you programmed yourself to live in a way that you were busy all the time. Your routine became work, home and most of the time taking the work to be done also in your home. You didn't feel energized to make new friends, and going out on dates could help momentarily but it wouldn't be fair to go out with someone in the ‘mood’ you were in; then these ideas were soon discarded. Sleeping was impossible, you spent hours rolling over in bed; both for the flashbacks that plagued your mind, but also for the fact that you missed him. The nights were worse when you visit your mother or when she called and said, "Dami never came to see me again." or something like. “Are you still talking to each other? We don't let someone like Damiano leave our lives.”

Deep down, you knew there was no way you could be in love with him forever and that no matter how much it hurt at that moment it would pass. You started to repeat it to yourself as much as you could, so when the boys got in touch with you again you didn't hesitate to answer. Nothing bad would happen, you just need to pretend to be fine. The first to send you a message was Thomas, with simple questions, he acted like nothing had happened, you liked it. Even though it was obvious that Thomas, as one of his boys, would know this in more detail than you did (which was a lie, but at least he knew how Damiano was feeling about it, which you wouldn't know). He updated you about Dami, who was great as always, and you said you were doing well when he asked. You answering him made Ethan talk to you too, although they were all polite and delicate, they seemed more to be sorry than to miss you. Pity wasn’t something you were expecting.

After five months, you still felt like crap. You had tried to stop counting the days that had passed since you last saw Damiano, but it was almost impossible. You could still remember that night vividly, but you were still trying your best to move on; leave it behind. Mysteriously, you wanted to see him, see how he was doing and find out if he had anything else to say but you were afraid to see him, go back to your place as his best friend just to realize that your feelings for him had not abated at all.

“...I haven't seen you in a while. I wonder if you're alright,” you heard when answering your phone. Your head hurt, your eyes stung. You had slept on spreadsheets that you brought home from your work.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Shit,” she murmured.

You looked at the phone screen. “Sorry Vic, I just woke up I'm still trying to copy.” You laughed to calm her down.

“I thought I didn't have my number,” her voice became softer, as if she was relieved that you had saved it. “I didn't want to wake you up, I'm sorry about that. I just wanted to know how you‘re doing, since I used to see you almost every day, y’know?”

You thought about saying that you saved her number the day Dami called to pick him up at a bar since his phone battery was dead and he was in no condition to drive, but Victoria clearly knew that. “Is Dami with you?”

“No,” her tone matched yours; Dami had told her, now she was being careful with her words. “I saved your number the day Dami needed to call you, in case I needed to call you again.”

“That’s alright, thanks for checking on me then.”

“But he would love to talk to you. He always asks the boys about you or comments on you so that someone can bring you up to the convo. He seems a bit lost when you not ‘round to be honest.”

Somehow hearing that made you happy. Still, the image of discomfort whenever you thought of talking to him scared you. The phone line was filled with silence, until Victoria's husky voice filled the line.

“Anyway, I didn't call you to talk about Damiano. We finally finished the album and decided to have a small celebration at my house,” you giggle at the formality. “We thought you should go, since you were present in more than half of the process. I‘d like you to come. We’d all like you to come.”

———

Your heart accelerated with each step you took as you entered Victoria's house. The rooms had a glow of being calm and the music that was playing helped to make the place cozy. The instrumental of the band reminded you of Fleetwood Mac, and for the little that you knew Vic you would say that the type of sound reminded you of her. 

 Her house wasn’t crowded, there were only a few people around; some you’ve seen before, some you haven’t. You thundered your fingers over some vinyl that were arranged in a corner, pretending to read them. You were looking for familiar faces, honestly even for Damiano, but for some unknown reason you didn't want to make that obvious. Your eyes captured Thomas talking to some girls, and soon you felt relieved to be dressed according to the occasion; or at least according to the girls who were close to Thomas. It didn't take long until he noticed you standing there, you waved and he came to you. He looked surprised, still he didn't wait for you to say anything else, just wrapped you in his arms so tight you had to ask him to let go in between muffled laughter.

“Vic working miracles! Come, I'll take you to the others.” He said in his cute form, holding your hand as guiding you through the house. “So, how's our best girl?”

Your lips parted in a smile. “I’m alright, pretty much the same to be honest,” there was no time for him to ask another question because you soon spotted Ethan and Victoria with their beers in hands. They seemed to be shocked to see you as well; and it was starting to irritate you for reasons you couldn't explain. Thomas put you behind him, hiding you from the two of them as if they hadn't seen you already. He was being such a sweetheart that he had even managed to soften the anxious butterflies in your stomach; but not enough to keep your mind free of worries and Damiano David. Thomas made a funny noise with his hands as Ethan ignored his attempt to be amusing, pulling you into a hug. Who would have thought you would have missed them so much.

“How long without seeing you, I force you not to do that again. Without you we are just another disorganized mess.” You laughed at his nonsense. Your smile was sincere, like it hadn't been for months, still you were forcing yourself a bit more to appear to be actually 'fine'. You’d like to know if they noticed, even though you were appreciating that they didn’t.

“No worries, I‘m not planning on leaving you guys alone.”

 Ethan and Thomas started to discuss about something, Ethan was already under the effect of alcohol, and from time to time they asked for your opinion on how Victoria had been strangely quiet. Atypical of her, but she didn't seem to be out of place or uncomfortable, just quiet.

“Did a cat eat the tongue of my newest attractive friend?”

“Not this time,” she showed you her tongue, and then smirked. Her eyes shone in differently way under your gaze and her make up was making her look more mature. “Are you feelin’ good? Thank you for coming.” Victoria was happy to see you, you could feel that. She might be curious, but pity wasn’t something possible to see in her; different from the other boys. “You must be tired of hearing that question, I'm sorry. It‘ll no longer be asked.”

Her voice was soft, comfortable to hear. “I appreciate that. I really have heard a lot of that, but despite everything, I feel good ‘bout bein’ here.”

“I feel even happier that you came then,” she put her hand gently on your waist. The other two didn't even remember you and Vic were there. “Let's get you something to drink, we bought that red drink Damiano always says you love.”

“No way, it’s bishop cocktail?” You looked at her, a big grin on your face, even though you remembered that this was the drink you were drinking when the universe decided it would be a good idea for you and Dami to have a one-night stand. Just a lovely reminder. “Have you mixed everything up? like the rum with the red wine? or with red drink you just want to say you bought wine?” You asked, ignoring your internal conflicts. Everything would be fine, you ket repeating to yourself.

“In fact, I remember once hearing you comment you didn't mind it being mixed up in a random bottle.”

She pulled a glass bottle out of a bucket full of ice and you couldn't believe she remembered that; given that you could count on your fingers the times that you had actually spoken to her. You didn’t avoid each other, just didn’t have much of the opportunities.

“Oh my god, that’s so fuckin’ lovely.” You whispered. She was quick to pick up a glass and hand it to you, filling it with the so well remembered liquid. You took a sip, and the taste - or alcohol - made your butterflies calmer. “Thanks for that, tastes like heaven.” She took a glass for herself, by her expression she thought it was a waste of rum. “C’mon, it’s not that bad.”

“If you think so, who am I to deny.”

“Don’t be a bummer,” you bumped your shoulder with hers, eliciting a cute sound from her that made you laugh as well.

You wish that sensation had lasted longer, even so when a random girl approached you to ask something, you felt heavy; like a sign. Her hair was golden in perfect waves and her face was angelic in an almost divine way. You might have been overreacting, but she was the type to catch all the attention to herself.

“You’re Y/N, right? I was startin’ to think that I’d never get to know you.” She hugged you tight and you wondered if she really didn't know you. When she released you, you felt your heart breaking right there in front of her. She was wearing Dami's sweater; the same one from that night, the same one that you wore. You wanted to be wrong, but you’d know that sweater from a distance even after years. “He talks so much about you. Can you believe we never met?” She asked, alternating her gaze between you and Victoria. She had been silent, you had forgotten that she was still there. Your head was miles away in thoughts, making you dizzy.

“Hi, Bella,” Victoria said. You remembered that name. Damiano talked about her on a few occasions, anyways he didn't seem to be in love - or you just didn’t want to see that. Maybe you haven’t been able to read him due to your stupid passion. “How’s everything?”

She started talking to Victoria and you couldn't concentrate on listening; all the alcohol in the world would not ease what you were feeling. How long have they been together? What was so special about her that Damiano gives her his favorite sweater? Were they together when you slept together? How did she end up with the same sweater you slept in that day?

She held the cup that was in your hands and handed it to Victoria. “Are you okay, hon’? You look a lil’ unwell. Do you want me to get you some water?”

“No need, I’m alright,” she patted your arm, and then checked your temperature. She was being nice, yet you couldn't pretend to be interested in being there anymore.

Thankfully, Victoria put an arm around your shoulders, asking if you want to join her to have a smoke. “It’ll be good, fresh air will do good to you.”

You agreed. Bella was worried and you felt bad about having to run away from her. She looked like an incredible person, sure Damiano was lucky to have her, that was just too much for you.

“Do this, you will feel better. We can talk later and so you can tell me everything about you and Dami, I’d love to hear you, since you’ve known each other for so long.” You looked for some irony in her voice, but you didn't found it. She was interested in you; after all, you were her boyfriend's best friend. It made sense.

Victoria guided you to the balcony, or at least halfway to it. Midway, someone stopped to talk to her, she tried to dismiss the person, however, as it was a thing related to the album, she would have no way out. “Victoria, it’s fine, I need some time alone.” You whispered to her, patting on her arm. She looked at you reluctantly, but understand. There wouldn't be much she could do for you.

Entering the balcony you felt an absurd urge to cry, your eyes itched and your legs were trembling. Was being in love meant to hurt this much, or was it just a game of chance?

You tried to take a deep breath, ease your heartbeats, telling yourself it was okay. You just needed to calm down. You leaned your body against the wall and watched the place. The plants near the fence - which you didn't know how Victoria had time to take care of them - the streets, and then the sky. Starry and moist, made for good memories that wouldn't come to you. When you felt ready enough to go out and face the party again, you ran into the one you were trying to avoid, Dami. Minutes ago you were anxious with the possibility to see him to know how he was, now you just wanted to run away and wipe these last months out of your mind.

“Y/N,” his body collided with yours while his arms wrapped around you, it was supposed to be a good thing, that you‘d feel safe as the same way you used to feel, except that was uncomfortable now. You couldn't even respond to his hug, for a second you thought you would escape without having to see him. He noticed and gave you space. “I swore that you wouldn't come. My god, it's so good to see you.” He ran his hands through his hair and you remained paralyzed in front of him.

You tried to focus on your breathing so that your voice came out without too many complications. “Yeah... It's good to see you, you look great.” It didn't work, your voice was shaky making your lie sound even worse. He looks great, you didn't lie, he seemed even happier and well rested. You wondered if it was because the album was ready or because now he had Bella.

You forced a smile, but unlike the others, Damiano knew you were acting. He didn’t judge or question, his face became tense, apprehensive. He knew that nothing was right.

“I thought about callin’ you more, goin’ to see you or something. The boys convinced me that it‘d be better not, that it could be even hard for you. I wonder if I shouldn't have done something different to help you because I know I fucked up too.” His hands were undecided between running through his hair and staying inside his pockets. He was nervous, at the same relieved to have spoken to you.

“It wasn't your fault, I’d never blame you for that,” you sighed, smiling slightly. It felt terrible to make him feel that way about it, but there wasn't much you could do. “I'm glad you gave me space when I asked, it's still hard to see you or think about talkin’ to you. It is as if everything that is tormenting me comes all at once.” It was good to say that to him. He nodded and you looked at each other for a while. It wasn't as uncomfortable as you thought it would be.

He was a few feet away from you while you were admiring the night, with your back against the wall. You wanted to leave, maybe go cry in your bed until you fell asleep, still you wanted things to work out with Dami, you wanted that tension and fear of seeing him to get out of your head. Despite that, if it was necessary to suffer in that process, it would not be worth it.

“She’s amazing,” it hurt to say that, but it was the truth. “Bella’s amazing, lucky girl.” You smiled sadly. Saying her name and seeing Dami smiling at that made you thank God for not seeing the two of them together, hugging or kissing. He‘d probably put his hand on her waist while she was talking to one of his friends or giving lightly kisses to her temple, just because he felt like it. Damiano was the cute type, you've seen it before.

“She is, an amazing person. She was all happy to have spoken to you. I told her all about our teenage years and how you always supported the band,” He had told her about you, would he have told her about you being in love with him? You thought to ask, soon giving up. It’d be shameful if so. “If I knew you would be here I’d not have come with her.” It made you think that he had told her.

“What would you do? Would you hide me from her for the rest of your life?” You sighed. it was supposed to sound like a joke, regrettably your voice sounded too cruel for that.

“It’s not like that,” he mumbled. “I was just tryin’ to think of you and—���

“I think I need to go Dami, it’s being too much. I’m sorry.” You needed to get out of there, you couldn't stop the tears anymore and you knew it was a bad idea to talk about her with him.

You took a few steps back just for Damiano to grab at your arm, without putting strength, just like a few months ago, to stop you in front of him. You turned your face away from looking at his eyes, feeling as the tears run down your cheek. You'd never be able to face him, this situation was only proving that to you even more.

“Please, Y/N. Just tell me what I need to do. I will do anything for you to talk to me again. I need you, you know that. The past few weeks have been a mess without you around. Even little my mom misses you. I’d do anything to have you back like before.” He was about to cry, his eyes shone with tears and it was painful to watch. He could do anything for you to stay; except what would make you stay. Unfortunately, it didn't depend only on his good will.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this,” you said in a lack of air, signaling the space around you with your finger. “But this, this is too much. It kills me to have to be close to you or to be close to things or people that remind me of you, seeing someone else with you doesn't help at all. I still think about the fact that we slept together... I can’t just forget it ‘cause it meant so much to me and to you, to you? it was nothing.” You were out of breath, you just wanted to cry in peace, put everything out until there was nothing left. 

 He released his hands of you, his face red and damp. It wasn't going to be easy for either of you. Time wouldn't matter; it wouldn’t change a thing because whenever you looked at him you’d wonder about how things could have been like if he had chosen you.

He whispered one more time that he was sorry, then let you go. He could have stopped you, but it's not like he knew what to do anymore. 

He watched as you walk out without even looking back.

——-

You went through the party walking fast, avoiding acquaintances and questions about why you were like that. Your body was heavy as well as your conscience. Outside the house the street was empty, the streetlights illuminated the sidewalk and along with the silence of the street you felt invited to sit there. You brought your knees close to your body, trying to breathe calmly. Pulling the air in, and then releasing it in a normal way. Your heart was beating so fast that your whole body was agitated. You tried to stay still. You squeezed your eyes shut, feeling a little dizzy when you saw someone walk out the front door of the house. You dropped your knees, trying to look decent, but gave up as soon as the person came closer to you and you saw that it was Victoria. She sat next to you, pulling you into a hug. You were happy that she went to you.

“I’m fine,” you murmured, hugging her waist and hiding your face in the fabric of her shirt.

“Stop saying that you’re fine when you’re far from being fine, I won’t judge you sweetheart,” she comforted you, giving you a extra squeezing. You were far from being alright, but it helped, having someone there helped.

She placed her chin on top of your head, soothing you until your crying softened. She rubbed your back and whispered that it’d be okay.

“Did Damiano send you here?”

“No, darlin’. He said that you had talked, and then you had to leave, he didn't look well, I thought you wouldn't be either.”

“And then you decided to look out for me?” You laughed, still tucked in her warm arms.

“Yep, sounds like you need me, don’t you think?” She laughed too, causing the vibration of her chest next to yours make you feel taken in.

“Why’s love so painful?”

Victoria didn't answer, she was thoughtful for a few minutes, and then she stood up, holding out her hand for you.

“What?”

“I won’t be taking no as an answer, you’ll get in the car with me and we will do something, anything, drink milk shakes, fill up our bellies with pizza ‘til we can't take it anymore, or even rob a bank.” She held you by the waist, lifting you up for her. “Please,”

You didn't see why not to accept. There was nothing worse that could get even worse at the moment, maybe going somewhere would do you good. “Even rob a bank?” She nodded, pointing to where her car was.

A smile spreading across her lovely face as you realized you’d go anywhere she wanted with her. “Yes, even robbing a bank.”

[poptod]

Cyber Security (Elliot Alderson)

Description: An online ad leads him to you, though in reality he has little interest in your ad. What interests him is how you accidentally doxxed yourself and how oblivious you are to that fact.

Notes: idrk what to say about this one its one of those things that i wrote at midnight after almost falling asleep to a fantasy and then realizing it could work as a fic. like i did this same thing with ‘close your eyes’ that one was also a before-bed-to-get-to-sleep fantasy. this is also not a particularly romantic interaction, though it can be read as such WC: 2.2k

+

Sweat drenched his sheets, bathing him in the cold wind that breezed past his only air conditioner lodged in a nearby window. He stared blankly upwards, half shivering and half overheated, as he once again found himself in a familiar predicament—the practice of sleep.

It was no secret he had trouble calming himself down, and that aspect of himself reached into the evening, as well. He already downed three melatonin pills hours earlier, along with smoking a joint that should’ve put him to bed. Unsurprisingly, that did not work.

“Xanax,” he mumbled to himself, hearing it bounce back from empty walls. “Need to get xanax.”

In the meantime he raised himself to his feet, padding across freezing floors to his computer. With a click of a button the white screen buzzed to life, shining bright onto his sleep-heavy eyes, that did their best to acclimatize to the sudden change.

Hypnotization—strange as it might’ve been—had worked a couple times before. Not all the time, but decently enough to give it a try. He had work in the morning and he didn’t need to be more miserable than usual, especially since he hadn’t slept almost the entire weekend.

sleep hypnosis

The blinker flickered for a moment before his fourth finger slammed down on enter, the last step in calculated movements. What popped up first was a video titled [ SLEEP HYPNOSIS ] 8 Hour Loop with a screencap of a spinning black and white screen. Below that, however, was something he hadn’t seen before—a YouTube video titled exactly what he’d typed, lacking the caps just as he had. The title screen appeared to be some sort of poorly-drawn painting.

Curiosity overcame his hazy, aching head, and he clicked, finding a playlist of videos containing what could be the titles of songs, along with several different poorly-drawn title screens.

The first video began to play before he could realize it. What he first noticed was it was bereft of ads—that meant the publisher made no money off the album.

Sat in the presence of God

whose name means filthy old fraud

Captions had been manually added by, he assumed, you. The author. There were three views on the video, no comments, and no likes, leaving few other options.

Maybe it was the melody—maybe the lyrics, who talked of a world plagued by aristocrats. But he found his eyelids heavy, dropping dark eyelashes in his vision that blurred the screen. By the third song, reciting verses of an Islamic poem, he was slouched in his seat.

He slid down to the floor, crawling his way back to flop onto his bed. The music continued to play till the first ad popped up, at which time he opened his eyes, seeing a music video from Katy Perry, at which time he promptly reached over and unplugged his computer. He wasn’t sure which cord he pulled out, but the screen still went black. With that, he just barely sneaked into his covers, dozing until the morning.

It was far too easy to get information on you. Your full name was stated clearly in your youtube bio, alongside several different social media tags leading to instagram, tumblr, and facebook.

Facebook alone provided him the means to your address, and he didn’t even have to go looking for it. Your most recent post was an ad, searching for someone good with computers to aid you in your recording process, which you noted as ‘dismal’.

Are you fucking kidding me? He thought to himself, reading the ad once more.

Your address, your real, physical address was stated as the place you wanted to meet those interested in helping you. On the internet. You had doxxed yourself after less than a year of being online.

Okay, he thought, clicking on your listed email. Someone needs to be taught a lesson.

Three days later—after about two weeks of listening to your echoing voice every night—you replied, sending a cheerful email detailing when you would be available to meet him. After shooting a short message back, the date was organized.

Two more days and he was standing at your doorstep, his neck craned upwards as he scanned your tall, narrow home squished between two other apartments. He just barely knocked before the black door swung open, revealing a familiar face belonging to a stranger. Elliot was dressed in his black hoodie and jeans, a stark difference to your long, colorful robes, coming out of a sort of fantasy world.

“Hi,” he said, his voice grating with how low and quiet he kept it.

“Hello,” you said with a smile that did not match his hunched posture. “Are you Mr. Alderson?”

“Elliot,” he corrected, his chin just barely raising to meet you. “Elliot Alderson. Elliot works.”

“Alright,” you said, nodding. “Come inside? I was just making tea. Do you like tea? Or do you prefer coffee?”

“I... I’m fine, thanks,” he said softly, scooting past you when you opened the door wide enough for him to enter. He sucked in a breath as his chest brushed yours.

Your home was modern—far fancier than Elliot’s own apartment, with large windows flanked by soft grey curtains. A small, upright piano was in the corner of the living room, set upon a reed mat lined with Korean symbols. The couch was clinical, made of a sort of black plastic leather that matched the grey skies beyond the window panes.

He sat down, shifting his feet closer together as his fingers dug into his palms, continuing to scan the room in its’ entirety until you returned with your own tea.

“What kind of experience do you have? School counts,” you said, setting your cup down on a tiny plate whose decorations matched your teacup.

“I’ve been... experimenting, with computers, since I was around 9,” he said, mumbling the words out as his shoulders hunched awkwardly down. “Have a job at a cyber security firm. Started a while back.”

“You still have that job?”

“Yeah,” he said with a small nod. “Jus’ thought this would be... fun.”

The dead look on his face indicated no humor whatsoever, but you took his word as it was.

“How’d you find the ad I put out?”

“I... I listened to your music,” he answered honestly for once. “Helps me fall asleep.”

“Oh,” you said, clearly taken aback. Your face grew warm as you glanced away with wide eyes. “I’m glad I could help.”

“You’re not very good with technology, though,” he said in his usual low, grating voice.

“Not really,” you chuckled sheepishly. “That’s why I put out the ad -“

“No, not that,” he interrupted you. “You put your physical address on the internet. You doxxed yourself. Do you even know how dangerous that is?”

The lyrics of your songs pointed towards a kind of brilliance, balanced against emotions felt thoroughly on pages and screens. It didn’t match your actions at all.

“What’s doxxing?” You asked.

Elliot had to physically stop himself from sighing and leaving.

“You want everyone to know where you, a minor celebrity, live?”

“I’d hardly call myself a -“

“I could’ve been a murderer,” he said, reaching into his bag.

He looked you in the eye as he pulled out a gun, clicking on the safety before he pointed it at you.

“This is how easy it would be to kill you.”

As expected, you stiffened at the sight of the iron barrel, your fingers withdrawing to your chest. Your lips pursed as you met his gaze once more.

“Please put the gun down,” you whispered, your voice cracking.

He did as you said, resting the gun on the table.

“That’s a hell of a way to start an interview, Mr. Alderson,” you said quietly. “Please get out of my house.”

His heart sank. What had he expected? For you to fall to your knees and sing to him as he desired you to do? He threatened you with a gun to teach you a lesson, and you reacted accordingly. Calmer than others would.

Elliot stood on shaky legs, sliding the pistol into his backpack before he zipped it up. Throwing the pack over his shoulder, he swallowed through a tight throat, shuffling as he delayed his departure.

“Keep safe from people like me,” he said in a strained mumble. “Take that ad down. Meet people from the internet only in inhabited, public areas.”

You tapped your fingernails on the table for a moment, chewing on your bottom lip. Suddenly you stood, tugging on his sweatshirt sleeve to get him to face you, instead of staring at his feet.

“Alright. If you’re really so good at the internet -“

He ignored your incorrect grammar.

“- and... if you actually do want to help me with my songs,” your tone softened, “then you’ll be able to find my real name, not my stage name. If you do.. I’ll hire you.”

“Alright,” he said monotone, knowing the battle was already won.

Even though he knew your name already, he turned away and left to his apartment, immediately going to work on figuring out everything he could about you. If you willingly still offered him the job after that, he knew it would take a lot to scare you off. He could impress you.

It was, after all, the only thing he was good at.

Two days later he showed up at your apartment again, quietly thanking you when you let him in. The clean floors and walls remained unchanged since his last visit, and you led him to the same table, sitting him down on the same seat.

“Your name is (Y/N) (L/N),” he started with. You already appeared to be surprise. “You grew up near LA and you’ve had a chronic illness all your life. At eleven you saw your first therapist.. that must’ve been when you first got diagnosed with depression... and anxiety.”

“Killer duo,” you muttered.

“Your parents split when you were thirteen, which came at the same time as your dog, Penelope, died. Or... sometime that year. When was that... 1997?”

“1999,” you said quietly.

“Your mom homeschooled you,” he continued. “That’s probably why you don’t know how computers work. Rather eclectic, in a.. boring way... an ex-Amish, right?”

You nodded and his heartbeat tripled. Everything was right thus far despite a two year difference in his guesstimate of your life’s timeline.

“Then there was your dad... logger in the Redwood forests. Burly guy. Not a great man, from what I saw,” he said.

“He was fine,” you said with a small shrug as you looked away. “Didn’t ever hurt me, or anything.”

“Abuse isn’t always physical,” he said faster than he could think, dizzied by his own memories playing behind his eyes.

“I know,” you murmured.

You went silent, so he continued, hoping to pry more precious words from you.

“Your favorite color is yellow,” he said, leaning closer to you. “On Valentine’s you get chocolate strawberries, and on easter you get kinder eggs.”

Nothing.

“You studied mythology as a kid, and you made paintings of the forest you lived in with your mom. Santa Cruz mountains, I think.”

“Yeah,” you said. “I miss the forests.”

“I know. You want to visit Ireland again because it’s a land of faeries and moss, it’s a breeding ground for your song lyrics.”

“How did you find all this out?” You finally asked.

“You use the same password on everything,” he said, though that was far from the actual answer. “Your web browser tracks all your movements and you don’t try to stop it, or hide ads, or stay away from sketchy websites. Your parents aren’t much better, either.”

You chuckled, shaking your head as you brought your hand to massage your brow.

“You’re way too smart to be helping me,” you said with soft laughter, blushing with your smile.

“It’s better than working for E Corp,” he said, huffing out a laugh that was hardly humored.

“E corp?”

“My.. uh, place of work,” he brushed off his slip. “My point is... I’d rather work with you and do easy work than work with my current fucking coworkers.”

You laughed, truly and fully this time, curling into a little ball that shook with the force of it. Your feet tucked into your tiny chair, making you even smaller.

“Bad people or just annoying?”

“Stupid,” he chuckled. “Don’t let me wear my sweatshirt.”

“Ooh, now it’s my turn,” you suddenly interrupted him, earning a strange look. “I’ve noticed things about you, too. I couldn’t learn anything off the computer, but you, you have anxiety too. Probably some childhood trauma.. maybe a dissociative disorder of sorts or a form of PTSD. Your jacket is like your home, and... you have sensory issues. Few types of fabric, don’t like to be touched, if I had to guess I’d say you might be autistic.”

“Blunt,” he said after a full minute’s silence.

“Do you mind?” You asked.

“No, not really.”

“Good. Then you’re hired,” you said with a smile, extending your hand for him to shake. “If you still want the job, of course.”

He watched you with evident apprehension, but took your hand after much thought, shaking with a firm grip.

“When do I start?”

[vvienne]

XICHENG FIC RECS

hold my hands by Snooze (Chiruka)

Transplanting a core into a new person isn’t without repercussions. One year after the events at Guanyin Temple, Jiang Cheng found himself once again faced with the possibility of losing everything he had. Reconciling with his brother, learning to let Jin Ling go, and dealing with his blooming emotions toward the First Jade of Gusu — will Jiang Cheng accomplish what he wants before time runs out?

it all passes someday by screamlet

A week before the anniversary of Wei Wuxian’s death, there was a commotion outside Lan Wangji’s house.

*

Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji over the years.

The Unlikely Expression of Love by manamune

When everything has settled, when everyone else has moved on with their lives and their friends, Jiang Cheng has a realization which shouldn’t actually be a surprise:

He’s lonely.

Indigo, lavender, and violet (I don't wanna be red) by ohwhatevrewhatevr

It, in the pale colors of the late morning, is the closest to perfect Jiang Cheng will ever reach. He strokes Lan XiChen's hair and presses a light kiss to where his ribbon and hair meet. The sky is a pale blue, and the pastels of flowers and clouds are spread out through the window, a brilliant world waiting for them, them in the gentian house, safe from stronger breezes - there is the clutter of birds fluttering and chirping outside. It is a warm, perfect, spring morning.

Jiang Cheng and Lan XiChen have been together for an year. In which, no one ever really gets over things, Jiang Cheng has the misfortune of interacting with his brother, the juniors help out with the proposal, and there's a marriage.

Altitude by starknjarvis 

When Jin Ling lures Jiang Cheng to the Cloud Recesses under false pretenses, he finds himself out of place among this new family Wei Wuxian has formed.

Lan Xichen, at least, seems pleased to have his company.

Perhaps there is still a chance for Jiang Cheng to make amends and move forward.

[Modao Zushi Online] GLITCH REPORT: My Brother Got Chased Down And %$@*$&@ By Gusu Dungeon Boss??? by oh_fudgecakes

Modao Zushi Online is a virtual reality MMORPG. Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian are top ranking players in its new server, currently tied with their arch-nemesis from their previous server, Wen Chao. In an attempt to defeat him, they take on the Gusu Dungeon Boss, Zewu-jun, to win the reward of a legendary weapon. Ever the cheat, Wei Wuxian tries to take advantage of a glitch to defeat the seemingly undefeatable boss. It backfires. Jiang Cheng gets fucked by a boss monster.

He can't get enough.

Meanwhile, Lan Xichen, the unwitting staff member in charge of controlling Zewu-jun, absolutely did not sign up to be pulled into a secret virtual reality fling with a player. Mod Ji, who has to deal with Wei Wuxian's incessant glitch reporting of his brother's sex life, is long-suffering.

Mulberry by xxdz

Jiang Cheng grits his teeth and pushes harder. He feels like torn silk, the embroidery needle sinking in again and again and again; patiently, desperately, endlessly trying to make something beautiful out of something broken.

Jiang Cheng builds his sect, learns embroidery, and raises his nephew.

we can raise a little family by lanyon

“Well, brother,” says Wei Wuxian, leaning against the outside of Jiang Cheng’s chambers. “I had heard that you and Xichen went on a night hunt and came back with a baby, which is not the order I’d choose to do things in…”

In which Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen acquire a baby of unknown origin, and are the very last to know what it means.

Beyond the Impossible by Silverine

Summoned by Lan Qiren, Jiang Wanyin goes to the Cloud Recesses to drop his nephew Jin Ling, expecting to discuss relevant matters with his old master. Instead, he's asked to take with him no other than Sect Leader Lan himself, all the way back to Lotus Pier. If the reason why he accepted such an outrageous task is indeed a mystery, he's about to be surprised by how this entire trip, their encounters, and his warm company, suddenly feel fated.

Incrementally by xxdz

Jiang Cheng is trapped in a day on repeat where he begins by waking in Zewu Jun’s bed at dawn and ends by dying painfully at dusk.

It’s getting very irritating, and he has the sneaking suspicion that his chances to solve his own murder are rapidly running out. Soon, his death will be much more permanent.

All in all, worst birthday ever.

Audience of One by WinterDreams

“Then let an established star go first,” Lan Xichen interrupts again before Lan Wangji can give a stubborn reply. Both men twist toward Lan Xichen, and he smiles at Wei Wuxian’s tilted head. “If I publicly date a man for awhile first, your engagement shouldn’t receive as much backlash.”

Or, that AU where everyone is famous in some way or another, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji have been dating in private for years, and Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng pretend to date publicly for their brothers' sake.

A Bit of Ruthlessness by jirluvien

When Jiang Cheng hears that Lan Xichen went into seclusion following Jin Guangyao’s death, it’s almost as if he can see the grabby hands of a restless ghost, reaching out for something to keep him company. For something warm and living and devastated. And as history has proved time and time again, the Lans are perfect victims when it comes to giving in to ghosts.Yeah, no. Not on Jiang Cheng’s fucking watch.A story about grief, determination, unexpected friendships, abandoned watchtowers, and letters. So many letters.

All Tied Up In You by Clearpearls

Yet again, the night had come to this:

Jiang Cheng on the floor, kneeling, Zidian wrapped around his wrists.

Alone.

Thank You, and I'm Sorry by Hamliet

Jin GuangYao might be dead, but his story is not. Taking advantage of the chaos he instigated, someone makes an attempt on the life of the young new leader of the Jin Sect. When Jiang Cheng takes Jin Ling to the Cloud Recesses to have him study while he attempts to work with Wei WuXian and his husband Lan WangJi to eliminate the threat, he encounters a mourning Lan XiChen, lovestruck teenagers, and a persistent corpse--and both pairs of brothers find themselves struggling to move on.

saturn's rings (don't be a heartbreaker) by iskendaris

Set after the seige of burial mounds, Yunmeng rebuilds as they hold the first Discussion Conference at Lotus Pier. Sometimes the night is a gift, a refuge for loneliness. "So stern, Sect Leader Jiang," Lan Xichen murmured, "So glacial... What will it take to melt that icy exterior? What can I say?"

"Nothing. There's nothing you can say or offer."

reciprocity by jukeboxhound

There’s a pause before Lan Xichen says, in a tone that’s a little more neutral, “I would like to paint on you.”

“…What?”

“Of course, if you say ‘yes’ but then change your mind at any point, for any reason, you need only say so and I will stop immediately,” he adds.

Well, silver lining: Jiang Cheng is feeling much more awake than he was a moment ago.

Talent Hunt Crew Finds Angry Guy Shouting On College Campus, Recruits Him For Vocal Projection Abilities by oh_fudgecakes

Jiang Cheng, resident Angry Guy and heir to a conglomerate empire, has never been the apple of his father’s eye. Quashed under the shadow of his brilliant brother, the music prodigy Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng sees his chance to turn things around when he is recruited by the All-Stars Lan Talent Hunt. One problem: he can’t sing to save his goddamn life.

As he struggles to develop his nascent singing abilities, Jiang Cheng finds himself sucked into the whirlwind drama of reality TV, helped along by his adoring siblings, his irritable vocal coach Wen Qing, and strangely enough, the unfairly attractive host of the All-Stars Lan Talent Hunt, Lan Xichen. Somewhere in the glare of the stage lights and an unexpected first love, Jiang Cheng stumbles upon the thing he was searching for all along: the courage to dream — and to attempt the impossible.

Marginal Costs by ohwhatevrewhatevr

“You think you know what you want, Er-Ge,” A-Yao says. “But you should consider what you’re willing to give first,” he says wryly, taking Lan XiChen’s chess piece with slim, skilled fingers.

Lan XiChen looks up at A-Yao’s concentrated expression and the hint of contentment on his face that he is special enough to be allowed to see.

“It’s not just one decision, but the lead up to many more. One decision decides what else you’re going to have to pay, and each time you have to ask yourself, ignoring the sunk costs, if this time it’s worth it as well.”

When his sworn brother looks up at him with those clear, amber eyes, waiting, Lan XiChen feels the pull and gives in: he asks.

“Are you happy being in love?”

(First half is two sad sworn brothers talking, internally mourning how unfortunate their other sworn brother’s death was :/ and second half is when a mopey boy in blue meets an angsty boy in purple whilst chasing a demonic cultivator, and a lil bit of sexy dual cultivation happens.)

Somewhat Tender by theherocomplex

There is no defense against kindness; it has always undone him.

I didn't expect you to be lonely (too) by bettydice (BettyKnight)

Jiang Cheng's life is a mess, he's a mess, and he doesn't miss his brother at all. So when his sister gifts him ten sessions with a massage therapist, who turns out to be someone he was crushing on for a hot minute as a teenager and is still as hot as ever... yeah, that might as well happen. It won't have to mean anything.

This feels intimate to Jiang Cheng in a way that's probably very inappropriate and maybe even pathetic. Nobody touches him like this, right where he’s hurt the most. There's no one who handles him so gently, so carefully.

It's the gentleness that's his undoing, he thinks. He would be able to deal better with it if it was painful.

Life for Rent by yodasyoyo

“Yeah well. You’re not taking me seriously. This guy is my soulmate!”

“Soulmate.” Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes. “Whatever.”

“Just because you don’t believe in them—”

“I believe in them!” Jiang Cheng says. “I’ve never denied they exist.”

“Just last week you said that it was an evolutionary quirk that had been used by greetings card companies, movie makers, and corporations to exploit lonely and vulnerable people.”

“And I stand by it! That doesn’t mean that soulmates aren’t real. Just incredibly unlikely and probably pointless.

-

Or:

Xicheng vs Soulmates. Fight!

Halfway Around the World by theherocomplex

Normally, Jiang Cheng would be seething, jaw clenched tight, if someone sounded like that while they were talking, but — Lan Xichen has the trick of always making you feel like you're in on the joke, whatever the joke is. That you're laughing together.

Whelmed by yodasyoyo

For months now Jiang Cheng’s been idly fantasizing about how it would be if something were to come between Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Mostly those daydreams have been simple enough — they break up (probably because Lan Zhan is boring or Wei Ying is annoying), Wei Ying is sad for a couple of days (Jiang Cheng’s willing to allow some space for feelings, he isn't a total monster), but then Wei Ying realizes he’s better off, he gets over it, and Jiang Cheng gets his brother back.

Unfortunately the fantasy version of events has only proven partially true, so far. They've broken up. Wei Ying has been sad.

Now weeks have passed, though — and Wei Ying is still sad, every. Single. Day.

It’s like Jiang Cheng's stuck in a looping GIF, and it’s driving him insane.

Or:

Jiang Cheng plots, Lan Huan pines, and, unfortunately for Lan Qiren, Wangxian are inevitable.

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Posterity - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Soft Bullets - Posterity

The initial idea for this series came to me over a year ago, when I was still not done with Long Nights. I knew I wanted to explore the concept we knew from the movie, and that I’d need a different Reader. Not the combat-trained one, not even an untrained-but-still-mission-capable one. The potential dynamic seemed interesting enough. I’m not sure I knew back then that it would be a fix-it story. I was totally focused on delivering LN, I didn’t want to distract myself too much with plotting out another series. Then, a depressive spell came and I could no longer put words on the page. The idea was still brewing, but I lost hope that I would ever write it. The fandom was growing quiet, too, and the story became just another daydream, another scenario to play out in my head before falling asleep. And then, The Batman happened, and the rest is history or something.

The idea started gaining shape. Fix-it. Timey-wimey, River Song bullshit. The relationship, slowly building into something meaningful. I started referring to the series as Posterity, but I needed a proper title. A song that would encapsulate the vibe. Because all my works are somehow related to music, why should this one be any different? So one day, I typed Posterity into the Spotify search bar.

Surely enough, there was one song from Tenet’s soundtrack. Close, and I used it along the way, but there was another one, and when I started listening to it, I felt that piece of a puzzle falling into place, the hype that only happens when I find a perfect song.

//We're in the firing line and no-one's getting out alive

We're backed against the wall, the crowd are screaming for blood

Two young lovers lost in this frozen universe, star crossed and holding on to anything that floats

I guess it's true when we met we were wrapped up in lies

Nothing came between us but the doubt in your eyes

But every doubt grows steady like a spark to the blaze

It'll burn your house down,

Burn your house down, down//

You get this feeling from the start. That determination. Made me think of the reality seen from Tenet operatives’ point of view. But then it moves into the soft, gentle tones. And then:

//But it's a beautiful thing to see the world in this place

Drifting through the suits with a smile on your face

But as the sun breaks free from its municipal cage you will never look back,

Never look back//

This part. This being among the people, but having that wider perspective. And loving it, all things considered. This seemed vital - for Neil, obviously, but also for Reader, in their own way.

Chapter 1: Chase McBride - Headlights

Funny thing, that was the only chapter title that I was unsure of. Because most of the writing playlist at this point was rather something I was gonna use later on, and mainly because that part was only a setting. Let’s see what we have here

//In an endless conversation last night

Momentary bliss, turn out the lights//

Last year, I had no idea how dialogue-heavy this series would be. I mean, sure, on some level that was obvious, but only when I started outlining, it came to me how much relationship-building stuff is going to happen over the phone. Good thing is, these two were really helpful, and the conversations seemed to flow between them.

//Keep me in mind, just try

A little bit of your time//

Oh, this Reader came with some baggage, all right. I saw them clearly keeping everyone on the other side of the headset at arm's length, but what I imagined at first got quickly revisited on the page. Operator was even more cautious, but only because of how much and how easily they usually start caring. And with Neil, and the whole banter that comes too easily, they had to be even more on guard.

//I've been searching through the stations, keepin' quiet

Momentary risk, amplified

It's a growing temptation, deep inside

Ordinary changes, intensify//

Neil is very much unaware of the internal struggle, but is curious, and wants to get to know them better. That little ruse made for a good opportunity!

Minke, Mahogany - Gold Angel - Mahogany Sessions

//All dressed up, nowhere to go

TV's on, no one's home

Look me up, if I'm not there

Leave a message, show you care

Meal for two, eat for one

This place of worship has come undone

Shattered frame upon the wall

No photograph to look out for//

The conversation with Alex was important to me to show that they are still close, but that there’s something that Reader keeps to themselves. They were fine. Introverted, feeling best at home, with a book and a cup of tea. They were content in this routine. They didn’t allow themselves to dwell on that too much.

//I hear your voice and it sounds like

A symphony

You lift me up, dead or alive

When I'm not breathing

I'll be your gold angel

If you want me//

My little headcanon here is that Neil had a little crush on them already. Been having one since he first heard their voice. Was quite content with just a bit of business-hours banter, but then he bought the figurine, and when he met Alex and they gave him that private number and were quite convincing how he should actually give it a try–

Also, gold angel. And Neil’s goldenboi himself, so…

Luca Fogale - Feel it

//Get it all out now

Anything you need

While the book is open

Cold and incomplete

Nearly disappeared

Who I could've been

Cast into the heat

Recklessly in spin

But wait

Something got left out

Isn't someone mean to be

Standing beside me?

'Cause I can't feel it

I can't feel it

Like the most important piece

Is always buried underneath

And I can't feel it//

When I’ve been thinking about emotional arcs for the characters, I felt that the common ground for this duo is going to be loneliness. The one that you don’t really see from the outside, but hits you the most in the quiet of the night. At this point it’s all rather buried, but very much there.

Chapter 2: Hazlett - Fireworks

//End of the rope

This heart's closed

Thundering hopes

Tear-jerk notes I've written

All my life

Waitin' for a change to come

All my life

Waitin', waitin'

We could rise forever

But it won't matter

We could rise forever

Burn into matter, matter

And I can give you fireworks//

Okay, the fireworks sequence was actually one that’s been with me for months! That moment, that connection, how Operator doesn’t want to lean into this relationship, but there’s this understanding that can only happen when someone really, really gets you. It’s yearning-inducing, but at the same time fulfilling, and this song has the exact vibe for it. The warmth, the reluctance in the lyrics, and just this feeling of time slowing down and the world tuning out. Like during that hug happening when the clock strikes midnight.

Elvis Presley, Junkie XL - A little less conversation

I believe that’s a good moment to say why Elvis. Blame it on a traveling yt series I’ve been watching back then! The vlogger was touring the States, and he’s been in Vegas, and when I had to come up with a mission for Neil in the first chapter, this was the first place that had popped into my mind. Then, what cheesy souvenir could he get there? (And oh, that scene alone was very different from the original idea, our Operator was supposed to meet Neil in the office, sitting at their desk! But I had to rethink how the hell would Posterity work in the first place, and I knew that security-wise it didn’t track - sadly, had to let this image go) Went for a figurine of the King himself. Only after thinking about the potential behind it! It hit me when I was looking for some songs to play at the party. And this? This one is absolute fire!

//A little less conversation, a little more action, please//

— Tell me this isn’t the most perfect call to dance for them.

//Baby, close your eyes and listen to the music

Drifting through a summer breeze

It's a groovy night and I can show you how to use it

Come along with me and put your mind at ease//

This part was handy, too! Just to let Reader ease up on the dance floor, because sure enough, they were still going against their most important rule, even if acting on instinct, and that was getting their agent out of the possible uncomfortable situation.

Scissor Sisters - I don’t feel like dancin’

You know how I feel about dancing. Dancing Neil, in particular. I couldn’t resist!

//So I'll play along when I hear that special song

I'm gonna be the one who gets it right

You'd better move when you're swingin' 'round the room

Looks like the magic's only ours tonight//

Body Rockers - I like the way you move - radio edit

So we have them on the dance floor together, now what? I didn’t want to turn the heat up too much too fast, and well, had to lean to the pure joy of just letting go.

//There's so many things i like about you,

I just don't know where to begin,

I like the way you, look at me with those beautiful eyes,

I like the way you, act all surprised,

I like the way you, sing along,

I like the way you, always get it wrong,

I like the way you, clap your hands,

I like the way you, love to dance,

I like the way you, put your hands up in the air,

I like the way you, shake your hair,

I like the way you, like to touch,

I like the way you, stare so much,

But most of all...

Yeah.

Most of all...

I like the way you move//

The temperature rising might be inevitable with this song, but there’s fun in it, first and foremost. And mutual fascination, the one that happens organically, but with this duo - not on a very physical level. A conscious choice on my side. I’ve written enough smut into the previous series, wanted to get something more wholesome this time.

Deee-Lite - Groove is in the heart

//The chills that you spill up my back keep me filled

With satisfaction when we're done

Satisfaction of what's to come

I couldn't ask for another

No, I couldn't ask for another (you know that's right)

Your groove, I do deeply dig

No walls, only the bridge//

Okay, this song - whenever I hear it, all I can think is that one HIMYM scene where Robin and Barney are dancing to this very song, putting up a show. The vibe in it! The way they flow together, how they understand each other – gotta stop now, before I go on a rant about it. I imagined Neil and his Operator having exactly that much fun together, tho.

//Flowing, glowing with electric eyes (eyes)

You dip to the dive, baby yo, realize (yeah)

When will you see the funky side of me?//

The Source & Candi Staton - You got the love - New Voyager Radio Edit

I love Florence’s rendition of this song, but this one popped up while I was making the chapter playlist and I couldn’t help but smile. It has that space to it, it’s uplifting, just putting the biggest grin on your face. And it has that slow down moment, where you can look into one person’s eyes and see the world in them. Love, love, love.

//Sometimes I feel like

Throwing my hands up in the air

I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying

Lord I just don't care

But you've got the love I need

To see me through

Sometimes it seems that

The going is just too rough

And things go wrong

No matter what I do

Now and then I feel

Like life is just too much

You've got the love

I need to see me through//

Chapter 3: Blakey - Confidant

I knew that at one point in the story, Neil needed to hear the reason behind the Operator's usual business demeanor. Originally, I thought about putting it a chapter earlier, but you know me, the more angst - the better. Besides, I liked the idea of Reader calling Neil after a bad day, and nothing screams bad day more than being on a call when the mission goes south. Because that also was an opportunity to show Neil first-hand how much it can affect them, and that was still “at arm’s length” relation that triggered the distress. And made a good setting for what was to come.

//I've been where you've been holding yourself to a sinking stone pulling you down but you can't let go

People around but you all alone

I know how it hurts you, yes I do

I've been stuck in that same sized shoe I see life's tight for you

Hate saying you sad got a trickle down your cheek

Take my hand let it trickle down me instead just call me the confidant//

I think that Neil knows that temptation to just close off, to stop caring - just to protect oneself from heartache, quite inescapable in their line of business. Although, caring is in the root of his character, we see that in canon, how much it can mess with him keeping his composure. He understands the struggle, but still trusts it’s worth it. And as much as he doesn’t instantly change Operator’s mind (that would be bullshit, not when their beliefs are so deeply internalized), and he doesn’t exactly say anything too insightful, combined with the lack of pressure, creaks open a door in Reader’s brain, and that’s more than enough.

This song perfectly encapsulates that understanding, and the wish to just be there for them.

Link Lewis - Moments

This…this one just makes me struggle to breathe and brings tears to my eyes.

//In sight

We're far away now

But in heart

We're still so close

Though you can't see me, I'm still awake

There's a reason it feels I was there only yesterday

An invisible reflection

An unbreakable connection

Yes, we live, then we die, it's the circle of life

But we're still with you inside//

A message from the other side, but also a reason I wrote this:

What’s happened’s happened. And it’s yours, forever. All you got to experience together, all those little moments you shared, the emotions that warmed you whenever you needed. They stay. Even if the person is no longer with you.”

(side note - I love that quote about grief being love persevering. It switches perspective, it’s healing, even if it still hurts like a bitch)

Emmit Fenn - Lullaby

I remember sharing this chapter’s playlist with @hollandorks​ and she told me that it feels like Neil wrote every single song on that list right after they hung up after that first call. So on point, I couldn’t believe how accurate Spotify recommendations were. This is no different:

//This is a lullaby that I wrote for you

You don't have to sing all the words if you don't want to

This is a lullaby that I wanted to sing to you

While you close your eyes and dream about the moon

That I have everything I could want no more

While I'm laying next to you right here on the floor

So forget it all

The fights and the waterfalls

And I know you're scared

But I'll always be here

To catch you when you fall//

I love how calm and comforting this song is.

Occie Elliott - Thinking about you

And this one captures those waking up feelings. There’s something about it, you can almost feel those butterflies.

//I'll be thinking 'bout you all my days

I'll be thinking 'bout you all the way

And I'm not sure how but you're in me now

And I know that you're there to stay

And your lovin' makes me lose my place

I cannot get enough of your face

Away, I counter me in the night

I just want to hold you tight//

Chapter 4: Fergus James, Dustin Tebbutt - Old Stars

//So will you let me be your light?

To pull you through the lonely night

Oh oh oh, 'cause I'll try

I'll meet you over the ocean under these old stars//

Lonely nights. The hardest part of the day, where the heart longs twice as hard, and you can’t do much about it. Unless you have someone on the other end of the line, as lonely as you. Even if Neil and his Operator don’t ever admit it to each other out loud, I think they can feel it, on some level.

Dustin Tebbutt - Resin

There’s something gentle about this song. Almost cautious. Just as they both still are around each other, but at the same time, letting one another deeper and deeper into their hearts.

//In your ribs

I see more than bones

Something lost

I had long ago

All the words

Are meaning so much more

As you say them

Without a clause

Now I'm letting all you in

You caught me falling//

Colder Shoulders - Pure Shores

Okay, I know the original, never thought I’d use it. But this version? There’s so much longing in there, whenever I hear it now, I think about a comment @eravanaaaah​ made under this very chapter: Longing and yearning, slow and gently blooming affection, two people drawn to each other like flowers turning towards sunlight…

Yes. Exactly this.

//Never been here before

I'm intrigued, I'm unsure

I'm searching for more

I've got something that's all mine (got something that's all mine)

I've got something that's all mine (got something that's all mine)

Take me somewhere I can breathe

I've got so much to see

This is where I want to be

In a place I can call mine (call mine)

In a place I can call mine (call mine)

I'm movin', I'm comin'

Can you hear what I hear?

It's calling you my dear out of reach

(Take me to my beach)

I can hear it calling you

I'm comin' not drowning, swimming closer to you//

David Nevory - Still

So I’ve been browsing for songs, played this one, I heard that bit about the night and I squealed a little. So fitting.

//I can see you longing

For another bit of that night

You can feel it coming back

We just need more time

Will you help me walk

When I reach for the finish line

If it was up to me

We'd run till the day we die

Are you still mine

At the break of light

With your soul on fire

Will you come inside

Are you still mine

When the dawn is closer

And the day gets older

Will you think it over

Are you still mine//

I’m no expert when it comes to idiots in love trope, but this… I don’t know. At this point, they’ve already caught feelings. Neil takes as much as his Operator is willing to give him, not pushing for more. Because they still hesitate to give in fully, to act on those feelings to transform their relationship into something more. At the same time, whenever they’re together, either on a call or next to each other, they can’t help themselves. Each touch, each hug, is like the most natural thing in the world, like they just belong together, whether they want it or not. No wonder that in the middle of the night, miles and miles apart, they miss each other with every beat of their yearning hearts.

Chapter 5: Nathan Ball - Just say something

I found it and instantly knew it had to be one for Neil’s last call (from his perspective, that is). Just look at those lyrics:

//I came with a warning but it drew you in

She said see you in the morning, but I won’t be here

And I want you to feel alright

And I love you to the end of time

So just say something so I know you’re there

Just say something so I know you care

I got a taste of your heartache as you close your eyes

Just a kiss on your forehead just to see you smile

And I want you to feel alright

And I love you to the end of time//

I struggled with that call. Words wouldn’t flow, Neil wasn’t helping. There was a tricky part about it - had to be innocent enough not to tip Reader off, at least not completely. At the same time, if you were careful enough, you could realize at what point of canon events we are, so it had to make sense as some sort of goodbye from Neil. Balancing it was the key, and at that moment it seemed impossible. So I decided to skip it and wrote the lecture hall meeting first, then the rest of the chapter, with POV switch at the very end. And only then came back and it clicked. Because even though I knew Neil’s emotional progression through this chapter, I had to see it written down. Had to feel that punch in the gut in it’s full strength, evidently.

Adele - Make you feel my love

I can’t help it. Adele just clenches my heart in the best way possible. I used this song on loop for the meeting. The part about embrace? And the rest of it - it’s so them, innit?

//When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I will never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong//

David Gray - This year's love

And this is for the hug.

//This year's love had better last

Heaven knows it's high time

I've been waiting on my own too long

And when ya hold me like you do

It feels so right oh now

I start to forget how my heart gets torn

When that hurt gets thrown

Feeling like you can't go on//

Every word of that. You see it too, right? There’s this tired vibe to the vocals, and it makes me think how tiring that loneliness must be for our Operator. How easy it is to forget about their own worries when they’re in Neil’s arms. At the same time, that risk is still there, and when you think of what is happening at the same time as that scene takes place, a little bit forward down Neil’s timeline — ouch.

You+me - You and Me

//You and me, we're searching for the same light

Desperate for a cure to this disease

Well some days are better than others

But I fear no thing as long as you're with me

They say everything, it happens for a reason

You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person

Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart

Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark//

I can only think of Neil as a character full of light. Somehow, it really came out in this series, I knew it was gonna be challenged, threatened, but never put down permanently. Even during and after the darkest moments. Obviously, that light was something that drew Reader in, because come on now. And I’d like to think that it was kinda mutual. That Neil saw the same light in his Operator. Well, maybe not flickering with such chaos, but still very much there, and not only during passionate rants (something I didn’t plan for our Reader, but sorta happened on its own).

Ludwig Goransson - POSTERITY

Tenet soundtrack is oh so handy when I have to write action sequences of any kind. The urgency! That tension! I usually use Freeport, but for this series, POSTERITY felt more appropriate. This kicked in right after Mumbai, and carried me all the way until the end of the call with Ives.

Tracy Chapman - The Promise

The only part of the call I had was that promise. That Neil wasn’t about to do anything stupid. I knew he wouldn’t lie to his Operator. And that promise wasn’t a lie, not from his point of view. He’s already lived through the next two weeks. He was certain Reader didn’t know, so he couldn’t say a proper goodbye. Because they still had yet to experience it all. And deserved to get the most of that time, and it was the only way.

//Oh, I've longed for you

And I have desired

To see your face, your smile

To be with you wherever you are

Remembering

Your touch

Your kiss

Your warm embrace

I'll find my way back to you

Please say you'll be waiting

Together again

It would feel so good to be

In your arms

Where all my journeys end

If you can make a promise

If it's one that you can keep

I vow to come for you

If you wait for me//

And all that is for another promise, near the end of the chapter. Unvoiced one. But as important to him. In Tallinn, he still had no idea what was about to happen, and even so got scared after hearing the panic in Reader’s voice, he didn’t want to risk a bigger heartbreak than necessary, in case– …so words could wait. He still had no reason to believe he wasn’t coming back.

Sleeping At Last - I'm gonna be (500 miles)

This song. THIS SONG. I sang along to it so many times, but this cover hit me right in the heart.

//And when I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you

And if I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you

But I would walk five hundred miles

And I would walk five hundred more

Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles

To fall down at your door

When I wake up, well I hope I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who's waking up to you

And when I'm dreamin', well I know I'm gonna dream

I'm gonna dream about the time I had with you//

To me, this is Stalsk. And the coma. And — yeah, I’ll see myself out.

Chapter 6: Noah Reid - Hold on

I switched the chapter’s title to this one just before posting. I usually go over the chapter’s playlist one more time and make sure I chose the right one, and after writing the whole thing, this one stuck with me the most. Look at those lyrics! Absolutely perfect for the opening sequence, for that waiting. And those raw emotions near the bridge! Holy shit, simply amazing.

//And I've been on the wrong end

Of too many a telephone call

Trying to say too much and just ending up

Saying nothing at all

'Til I'm pacing the floors

And I'm bouncing my head off the wall

And it ain't hard to tell this'll all be well in the fall

If you can just

Hold on

Hold on

Hold on with me

'Cause I can only be

So strong

For so long

Without you holding on to me//

Lily Kershaw - Now & Then

//Maybe we know

All the ways this could go

All the ways it would end

Were you ever my friend?

Were you sad and alone

When you broke on the phone?

Who was I to you

As you passed through?

Remember the rooftop parties

Remember the friends

Remember the way I love you now

And the way I that loved you then//

Another phone call mention, and rooftop parties sound close enough, right?

Lilla Vargen - Love you twice

The emotions in there, my heart. It was the missing your wicked ways that made it for me. So fitting for those long days waiting for the message to get delivered.

//Take me back to when the streets were glowing

Back to when our love was young and still was showing

Take me back to when I felt alive

We could have made it

We almost got it right

We almost got it right

Before we lost it all

Before we paid the price

I loved you once

Now won't you let me love you twice?

And you know I've been losing days

Missing your wicked ways

And you know I've been losing days

Wishing this pain away//

Thunder Jackson - Caroline

So I put this song on loop and got to writing the hospital part. I knew what was coming. I had already cried myself to sleep plotting it out, and I knew it was going to be hell. And I still underestimated the impact. When Operator broke down in there, I did too.

//We were too undefined

I was out of my mind

Now I'm walkin' on backwards

To meet you on the line

As I am, as you are

Let's go back to the start

Caroline, I know

Caroline, I swear

Caroline, Caroline

Caroline, I know

I was so cold then, wasn't I clever?

Learned to keep my distance from the crowd

Worn out, worn out, and bent at the knee

I no longer need to be proud//

The raw pain in this song is taking my breath away. The regret, the heartache, twisting the knife as I wrote: “When you asked me out, that very first night, I should have said yes…imagine having that much more time–”

Kayou, Gina Livia - i need you closer

So I’ve been crying for an hour, putting words on the page, and then Shelby messaged me and I think I sent her my playlist and a picture of a pile of used tissues? And she sent me THIS.

//You’re fading

Away

But can you hеar me

'Cause I try to make you stay

Oh, keep fighting

For gods sakе

'Cause I can hold you

And I can hide away your pain

The ocean is frozen

And you’re broken and hopeless

But let me show you that there is some light

I’m hoping

I’m still hoping

That you bear up and notice

That there’s a reason why you’re still alive

And now I need you to focus on you

Can you come over

Come over

I be your shoulder, I need you closer

Oh, please come over

Come over//

So I put it on repeat. Crying my eyes out. Biting my lip so I wouldn’t sob because the house was already asleep while I pushed further into the chapter.

Aisha Badru - Water

//What are you crying for?

You know the world is yours

And what is meant for you will be

So loosen up your grasp

Everything's not meant to last

Let the rising tide withdraw and go back to the sea

'Cause you see

People are water, they need to be free

They need to explore more where they want to be

We cannot be keepers of anyone's key

We have to love in a way that sets them free

And darling, believe me, there will come a time

When the earth will shake and the stars will align

And you won't have to beg for anyone's time

So trust and believe everything will be fine//

So that letting go part…. I didn’t plan on it. I hate that trope, because it always breaks me and reduces me into a puddle of tears and general misery. So whenever, I don’t know, Nolan plays that card, I grit my teeth and choke on tears. And yet, this time, those characters decided to teach me a lesson. Because sure, Reader had one of their own, to open up and let someone inside of their heart, because even the pain of losing someone is worth it (I recently watched Bridgerton season 2 and guess which part made me cry). And letting go… that was the extension of it. That was why I was bawling. This is my ultimate trigger. That song… there’s a bit of comfort in it. Something hopeful. Like a warm hand cupping your tear-stained cheek when you are trying to catch a breath in between sobs.

((Side note - because why did Operator leave? Why didn't they come back? Sure, it hurt so much, but – … Let me get very personal, tw: death, feel free to skip to the next song: I kept thinking about my dying grandmother. She wasn’t conscious, but was still holding on for as long as my mom was there. And when my mom left her side and went outside the hospital room for 10 minutes, she chose that moment to leave. I believe that she wanted to spare her daughter witnessing the moment. That was in the back of my head while I was writing that scene. Because our Operator was letting Neil go, after hearing how much he’d been struggling. And knowing how much Neil cared about them, remembering how he asked if they were gonna be okay? I think that instinctively, they thought it would be easier, in case he really needed to go. Yeah, I’mma need some tissues now.))

Elvis Presley - Love me tender

When the idea of that little Elvis callback came to me, I was like “oh, that’s evil…should I?” with immediately going yes.

//Love me tender, love me sweet

Never let me go

You have made my life complete

And I love you so

Love me tender, love me true

All my dreams fulfill

For, my darling I love you

And I always will//

Chapter 7: Sleeping At Last - Turning Page

I don’t have words. It’s beautiful. And when the music swells, your heart does too, and to me it’s just so them. Used that for the first hug in the hospital.

//Nothing prepared me for

What the privilege of being yours would do

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush

Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough

I would have known what I was living for all along

What I've been living for

Your love is my turning page

Where only the sweetest words remain

Every kiss is a cursive line

Every touch is a redefining phrase//

Bootstraps - Whenever You're Around

The kiss. My heart sings.

//Freedom, found it in your eyes

Will ya leave 'em open wide?

And loving you, step one to admit

Was an addict from first hit

'Cause

Whenever you're around me

Anytime, anyhow

You make it brighter

Whenever you're around

Yeah, whenever you're around//

Smeyeul., Galvanic, Haux - Love Me

I love how gentle this song is. How it carries the happiness in it. To me, that’s the moment when Neil is kissing down his Operator’s tears.

//Hold me

And the night will come alive

Trust me

Like I've known you all your life

And all you had

Was all you gave

When you're falling fast

Don't be afraid

When all you had

Was all you gave

When you're falling fast

Don't be afraid

Just, just love me//

Simple as that.

By The Coast - I'll Get You Home

For Neil’s breakdown.

//I'll get you home

When you are tired

Stand next to you

When you're in the fire

I'll get you home

I'll tell the truth

When I'd rather lie

I'd rather be known

Than keep it inside

I'll get you home

Never leave you alone

And I will get you home

If I could before

The sorrows we'd see

I'd love you again

I'd feel everything//

Tyler Brown Williams - Never Stop

Love confession. And what came after.

//In the quiet and in the storm

Every rise and every fall

Any door that we walk through

I will never stop loving you

Every path that we might find

Light of day or black of night

Anywhere life takes us to

I will never stop loving you

Oh, my heart is yours

My heart is yours

You can have it all

Oh, you show me how

Without looking down

It's okay to fall

In the fire and in the flood

Every word and every touch

There's nothing that you couldn't do

I will never stop loving you//

SAILR - All My Life

And for the closing sequence. This song is a promise, and there’s hopeful warmth to it, something I wanted to leave you all with by the end of the story. After all that angst, there had to be a happy ending.

//I'm gonna love you all my life

The world may rearrange

The colors, they may change

Oh, I

I'm gonna stay right by your side

I'm gonna live to make you smile

The rivers they may run

And the changes they may come

Oh, I

When the light is out of reach

And the answers they may seem hard to find

When the castles start to fold

And the only words you know are why

Whenever you start to feel like running

And you forget just who you are

Keep all of these words close to your heart

I'm gonna love you all my life//

This is it. Thank you all for taking this journey with me.

[jaehyunfirstlove]

Just move it like that...

Pairing: idol!jaehyun x f. reader

Genre: smut (18+ only)

Warnings: unprotected sex, rough sex, dirty talk, swearing, dom/sub, fingering, semi-public sex

Word count: 2k

Taglist: @jaehyunnie77​ (send me a message if you want to be tagged)

A/N: this one got away from me, sorry :)

It was the last night of your vacation and all your friends wanted to do was party, which is how you found yourself at some elite nightclub, the music pounding in your ears. You really didn’t mind it, except that you were exhausted from the day’s sightseeing and definitely not looking forward to the fifteen hour plane ride the next day.

You were getting drinks at the bar when you noticed a group of people walk in, surrounded by huge bodyguards and generally causing a commotion. They immediately disappeared into a curtained off VIP area in the corner of the club, at which point the commotion died down, leaving only an excited murmur to ripple through the crowd. You overheard someone mention some names, some you recognized and some you didn’t, but since you figured they wouldn’t have anything to do with you anyway you just shrugged and went back to join your friends.

You ended up at a table near the VIP area, and you noticed the curtain was partially open. Out of curiosity you craned your neck to see if you could see inside. Although it was dark, you noticed you were met with a pair of inquisitive eyes, strands of light purple hair framing a striking face. You looked away quickly, embarrassed at being caught.

As the night wore on you couldn’t help taking a peek every now and then through the open curtain, and every time he stared back at you. Feeling like a creep you would always look away, but you still couldn’t help yourself.

Wanting a distraction you pulled your friends out onto the dance floor, hoping it could get your mind off the face you saw behind the curtains. The thumping bass of the song was perfect, and soon enough you got into a groove that distracted you momentarily.

Until you felt someone fairly close behind you.

Your friends gasped, and when you turned around the first thing you noticed was that the curtains were now wide open, and the seats inside were empty. You turned your head slowly to the person behind you, only to be met with the very same eyes that had been watching you from behind the curtain.

He was dancing, along with the rest of the members of his group, but his eyes were only on you. You were frozen in your spot, unsure of what to do, but he was smiling, encouraging you to keep dancing. You looked over at your friends, who were gesturing at you to dance with him. Your heart beating out of your chest, you turned around and started dancing again.

He matched you move for move, and soon enough you were mesmerized by the way he moved his body. He never took his eyes off you the entire time, and when the song changed to a smoother tempo, his eyes got darker and his moves more fluid. And when the music got slower still, he got so close you could feel the heat from his body. His magnetism was drawing you in, up close you could see how his eyes sparkled, how perfect his skin was, and how the dimples in his smile made your knees weak. He was trying to make conversation but you could barely hear him over the loud music.

So he took you by the hand and brought you into the VIP area, closing off the curtains behind you, and leading you into the furthest, darkest corner. He sat down comfortably and motioned for you to sit beside him so you did, noticing how he glanced down at your lap as you sat. You knew exactly why, and you crossed your legs, tugging at the hem of your dress.

He introduced himself and offered you a drink, and you noticed there was quite a spread on the table in front of you. You picked at a few things and accepted his drink offer, but in reality you were interested in none of that. He was so beautiful you couldn’t stop staring, and while you tried to keep up with what he was talking about you really just liked the sound of his voice. You offered what you could to the conversation but your brain was on one track only. You didn’t realize it but you were staring at his lips, and when he noticed he smirked.

“Something interesting?” he asked, a glint in his eye.

You were caught, and there was nothing to be done but to go for it. You licked your lips, stared him in the eye and simply said, “your lips”

He was clearly impressed at your boldness, but at the same time you saw a flash in his eyes. He leaned towards you and captured your lips with his, and it definitely was not a gentle or tentative kiss. He conveyed his need firmly, sucking on your bottom lip, swirling his tongue into your mouth. You moaned at the suddenness of his actions, your entire body reacting. Your face flushed and a warmth spread throughout your body and settled in your core. You felt his hand cradle the back of your head, pulling you even closer to him, and when he broke from your mouth to kiss and suck down your jawline and neck your hands flew to his chest. You could feel the firmness of the muscles there, and along with the marks he was leaving on your skin your body was on fire. His other hand had landed on your bare thigh, his fingers toying with the hem of your skirt.

“Oh fuck,” he cursed, because he’d slipped his hand between your legs, under your skirt, and found that you were bare. “No panties?”

“Mmm,” you could barely get any words out, your chest heaving as his fingers rubbed through the slick of your pussy, “...visible panty lines” was all you could manage to say.

He smiled against your neck, “I guess that works for me” and then he was plunging two fingers in to the hilt.

You cried out, throwing your head back at the intrusion. His fingers worked skillfully, furiously fast, bringing you to a climax that was so sudden it made your head spin. You were trying to catch your breath when he slipped his fingers out of you, pulling you onto his lap so that you were straddling him. The position forced your skirt up past your hips, your bare ass now exposed to anyone who could walk in. You tried to pull as much of it down as you could, but he only chuckled in between sucking marks onto your neck.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, “we’ll be fast”, his hands coming around to squeeze the flesh of your ass.

You couldn’t be bothered anymore anyway, in that position you could feel his bulge rubbing against your bare pussy, and you were only vaguely aware you were probably ruining his gorgeous velvet pants with your wetness. He didn’t seem to care, pulling you harder against him, his fingers digging into your skin.

“Baby, I need to be inside you right now,” he groaned into your ear, as you rubbed up against him particularly hard. You nodded and he reached down, unzipping his pants and pulling out his erect cock.

Even in the dim light you could be impressed, his cock was equally as beautiful as he was, and you were struck with the sudden urge to taste it, to swirl your tongue around the tip and then feel it hit the back of your throat. But you knew his friends could come in at any moment, so you just gripped his shoulders as he took a hold of his cock and positioned it at your entrance.

You were sopping wet at this point, and he actually took some time to tease you, rubbing the tip of it through your folds, his voice a low rumble the entire time.

“Jaehyun,” you moaned, dragging out the last syllable of his name, ending in a whine as he smiled darkly at you, “please”

“Please what, baby? Tell me what you want,” his words and the tone of his voice made you clench around nothing.

“Fuck me, please,” you weren’t above begging anymore, and the glint in his eye and smirk of his lips showed you that he was enjoying it.

He kept his eyes on you as he penetrated you, your mouth only forming into a wordless ‘o’ as you felt him stretch you. Your eyes fluttered closed as the intense feeling took over your body, but he stopped suddenly, his hands squeezing.

“Look at me,” his voice was deep, demanding, and your eyes shot open at the command, “Good girl.”

He continued, excruciatingly slow, controlling your hips when all you wanted to do was sink down onto him. When he was all the way in he paused for a moment, his hands coming up to squeeze your breasts over your dress. Your pussy clenched around him and he groaned, biting his lip, at which point you lost all control.

You bucked your hips, and when the tip of his cock hit your sweet spot you saw stars. You chased the feeling, riding him as hard as you could, clinging to his shoulders as the familiar knot started to form in the pit of your stomach. His eyes never left you the entire time, the lust in them evident as you moved your body on top of him.

“Fuck, you’re sexy,” he groaned, tilting his head to regard you as he squeezed your hips.

You yelped as his fingers dug into your flesh, pulling you even closer to him, but it made your movements stutter as your thighs began to burn. He took over then, and with a wicked grin he held you against him as he pumped hard into you.

You were thankful for the loud music muffling your cries, the shamefully needy whines escaping your lips as he pleasured you in a way you had never felt from anyone before. His cock slid in and out of you at such a frantic pace you could barely catch your breath, the tip of it ruining you in the most beautiful way.

“I’m gonna… come” you managed to warn him, feeling the knot in the pit of your stomach starting to unravel.

“Go on then,” he encouraged, reaching down between you and rubbing your clit with his thumb, “come for me, baby”

You cried out as your orgasm hit you full force, clenching hard around his cock. He kept going, fucking you through it, growling in your ear, until he finally came, fingers digging into your hips as his body shuddered against you. He buried his face in your neck and you dropped your head onto his shoulder, and you stayed like that for a moment trying to catch your breath.

Until you heard voices.

The curtain was being pushed aside and the other members started to file into the space. You panicked, trying to get off his lap, but he held you fast.

“It’s okay,” he whispered into your ear, pulling your skirt down over your exposed ass and covering what he could with his hands and arms, “just stay with me a little longer”

You nodded, wrapping your arms around his neck, and he pressed soft kisses along your neck and collarbone. You couldn’t see them but you could tell the other members knew what was going on and didn't come too close, preferring to stay closer to the entrance and giving the two of you some space.

“Jaehyun,” you patted his shoulder, “I think I should get off now,” he was still inside you, and with his lips on your skin you were starting to feel aroused again, but now there were people in the room.

“Mmm, just a little longer,” he whispered, “you feel too good”

Sure enough you felt him getting hard again inside you, and you had to stifle a moan at the feeling of him filling you again.

“Besides, I think I’m ready for round two…”

[comrade-meow]

When The Drummers Were Women

By Layne Redmond

Yes, guys, there was a time in our history when the primary percussionists and drummers were women. The first named drummer in history was a Mesopotamian priestess named Lipushiau. She lived in the city-state of Ur in 2380 BC, which at that time had conquered all the surrounding city-states. She was the spiritual, financial and administrative head of the Ekishnugal, the most important temple in Ur dedicated to the moon god, Nanna-Suen. Her emblem of office was the balag-di, a small round frame drum used to lead liturgical chanting. In 2380 BC, Lipushiau ruled!

From the civilizations of Anatolia (Old Turkey), Mesopotamia, Egypt, Greece and Rome, the Goddess and the frame drum emerge as the core trance and mystical religious traditions. The frame drum was once at the center of the oldest rave like gatherings — it was the oldest technology for altering consciousness. The mystery rites would last for days at a time with nonstop drumming and dancing. Get this in perspective — this was church. Quite a different religious experience than I had growing up! A frame drum is defined by the diameter of the drumhead being much larger than the depth of its shell. The shells range in depth from 2" to at most 6". They range in diameter from 4" to 30". Most of these drums are portable and can be held in one hand.

The frame drum most often has a skin on only one side but sometimes it may have skins stretched across both sides. Bells or jingling and rattling implements may be attached to the inside rim, and in ancient times were believed to add to the drum’s power to purify, dispel and summon. Very often the drums were painted red, the color of blood, or sometimes green, the color of vegetation, the primordial colors of life. Mystical designs and symbols might also be painted on the skin head or the wooden frame. Threads or ribbons knotted with ritual prayers or chanting often hung from them.

Although this frame drum is similar in appearance to the shaman’s drum found throughout Asia and North America, there is a major difference in how they are played. The shaman’s drum is struck with a bone, horn or stick. The Mediterranean frame drum is played with the bare hands. While striking a drum with a stick gives a single deep resonant sound, finger techniques allow more variety: a deep, open tone, a slap, a high-pitched rim sound, or a soft brushing sound. This difference in stroke technique has led to differences in construction. The inner edge of the rim of the Mediterranean frame drum is often beveled and its skin is usually thinner, to enhance the sounds produced by fingers and hands. Hand or stick? I have not been able to determine which technique is older - the shaman’s drum played with a stick or the frame drum played with bare hands. The use and basic constructions of the drums are so similar that they probably both grew from the same root techniques of altering consciousness. In every ancient Mediterranean civilization I studied, it was a goddess who transmitted to humans the gift of making music. In Sumer and Mesopotamia it was Inanna and Ishtar; in Egypt it was Hathor; in Greece, the nine-fold goddess called the Muse. Musical, artistic and poetic inspiration was always thought to spring from the Divine Feminine. One of the main techniques for connecting to this power of inspiration was drumming.

The drum was the means our ancestors used to summon the goddess and also the instrument through which she spoke. The drumming priestess was the intermediary between divine and human realms. Aligning herself with sacred rhythms, she acted as summoner and transformer, invoking divine energy and transmitting it to the community.

The earliest known depiction of any drum was painted on a shrine room wall in 5600 BC in a Neolithic city in what is now Turkey. The shrine room wall depicts a group of ecstatically dancing figures, some of which appear to have percussion instruments. A band of human figures clad in leopard skins play various percussion instruments as they dance ecstatically around a large bull. One figure holds a horn-shaped instrument in one hand and a frame drum in the other. Other figures carry what look like shakers or rattles, as well as bowed instruments similar to the Brazilian berimbau. The excavating archaeologist, James Mellaart, has unearthed numerous other shrines in this city honoring a great goddess, and he believes that primarily priestesses tended these shrines. To date, the wall painting is our oldest evidence of a goddess-based tradition in which the frame drum was used in ecstatic rituals.

From 3000 to 2500 BC, written records of the Sumerians describe the goddess Inanna as the creator of the frame drum, along with all other musical instruments. They tell of Inanna’s priestesses who sang and chanted to the rhythms of round and square frame drums. Along with the written texts, numerous figurines of women playing small frame drums have been found. These drumming rituals were carried on in the later worship of Ishtar, Asherah, Ashtoreth, Astarte, and Anat in Mesopotamia, Phoenicia, Palestine and Assyria. Somewhere between 2000 and 1500 BC, the frame drum arrives in Egypt. James Blades reports, “All records from this period (Middle Kingdom) show the performers as women; in fact the whole practice of the art of music appears to have been entirely entrusted to the fair sex, with one notable exception, the god Bes, who is frequently represented with a drum with cylindrical body (frame drum).

”Another text described the priestesses as the composers and choreographers of the music and dance used on religious occasions. In the Cairo Museum there is an actual rectangular double-headed frame drum from 1400 BC that was found in the tomb of a woman named Hatnofer. Also surviving from the Ptolemaic period is the skin head of a frame drum on whose surface is painted a woman playing a frame drum in front of the goddess Isis. The inscription on the drum reads, “Isis, Lady of the Sky, Mistress of the Goddesses.”

It is important to comprehend the significance of women’s control of sacred music and dance in Egypt. Religious ceremonies based on music and dance can synchronize the underlying energy of the mind and directly influence our perceptions of reality. Ritual influences our modes of awareness that both underlie and transcend the normal patterns of consciousness. Rites can be used to rouse and shape group emotion and behavior, developing a continuous shared consciousness. Music vibrationally transmits states of mind directly from consciousness to consciousness. Thus, politically, music can resonate simultaneously on far more levels — emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical — than can words alone. As music initiates changes in group consciousness, it can affect vast social and economic cycles.

The Biblical lands have also yielded numerous images of women playing the frame drum. Old Testament texts refer to the tambourine as the toph, which as been translated as the timbrel and the tabret. Exodus 15:20, “And Miriam, the prophetess, sister of Aaron and Moses, took a timbrel in her hand, then the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances.” In some legends it is said that Miriam parted the Red Sea with the shamanistic power of her drumming.In Greece, some of the most beautiful representations of the frame drum are found on the red figured vase paintings from the fifth century BC. The frame drum entered Greece from several different directions — from Cyprus, one of the main centers of the cult of Aphrodite where the frame drum was prominent from at least 1000 BC, and also from Crete, where it was used in the rituals of Ariadne, Rhea and Dionysos.

Pre-classical Greece also saw the introduction of the cult of the goddess Cybele, from Western Anatolia. The tympanum, the Greek frame drum, was the main instrument of the maenads, the women initiates, in the worship of Cybele and Dionysos, and the priestesses of Artemis, Demeter and Aphrodite also played them. Both single-headed and double-headed frame drums appear, once again played almost exclusively by women.

The Romans saw the last great flowering of these rites when the religion of Cybele was brought to Rome in April of 204 B.C. She was described as, “Cybele, the All-Begetting Mother, who beat a drum to mark the rhythm of life.” Rome was the cultural center for the mystery religions of Cybele, Dionysos, Isis and Dea Syria — all of which used the frame drum in their ecstatic rituals. These practices flourished until the Roman Empire officially adopted Christianity in the fourth century A.D.

In the ancient world, prayer was an active, trance-inducing combination of chanting, music and dance, and initiates often danced the sacred spiral into the labyrinth. The classic labyrinth is a single path meant for meditative circling. To enter it is to experience a ritual death; to escape from it is to be resurrected. The danced line into the labyrinth was a sacred path into the inner realm of knowing. Dancers holding a rope signifying Ariadne’s thread (that allows participants to find their way in and out of the maze) followed a leader into the labyrinth, spiraling right to left, the direction of death. At the center they turned, dancing out in the direction of evolution and birth, all to the driving rhythms of the frame drums. Another function of the frame drum was to create a prophetic trance state in which the priestess could foretell the future. The most dramatic mode of prophecy was uttered in inspired rhythmic speech. In the depths of ecstatic trance, the oracle was possessed by the goddess, who rapped in powerful rhymes directly through her lips. The Greek word for this state of transfigured consciousness is enthusiasmos – “within is a god” – the root of our word enthusiasm.

Ecstatic prophecy has many parallels with shamanism. Prophetesses sought inspiration through a number of external stimuli, including fasting, ingesting honey, inhalation of burning herbs or essential oils and intoxication via alcohol or psychotropic plants. Cybele’s priestesses relied most heavily on the trance-inducing properties of music and dance. The rhythms of frame drums, cymbals and flutes moved them towards the consecrated, concentrated state of divine revelation.

The Dionysian rites are the most widely known of all the mystery schools and have an enduring reputation as drunken sexual orgies. This is due to the later descriptions by Christian political leaders to whom the ancient mysteries of the goddess along with ecstatic drumming, dancing and in this century, rock and roll, have been labeled devil worship. Our word “orgy” comes from orgia, derived from the root word meaning “deed.” The term was used for the celebrations following initiation in mysteries, which might or might not include sexual imagery or behavior. Its ancient connotation seems to have been simply “secret rites.” Their aim was the ecstatic transformation of consciousness through rhythmic movement of the body.

Historians have associated the maenads, priestesses of Dionysos and Cybele, with unbridled sensuality and socially uncontrolled behavior. The word maenad means “mad women.” Their erotic longing for union with the Divine found expression in wild, barefoot dances to the primordial music of flute and drums, their unrestrained hair flying wildly about their faces, snakes wrapped around their arms. According to some reports they drank blood and tore wild beasts limb from limb. Not too far out of line from what might take place at a contemporary summer rock festival!

Wine was indeed an important part of the Dionysian mysteries. External stimulants were always used in pursuit of higher consciousness, for divine intoxication with the spirit of the deity. References to drinking blood may actually allude to a communion rite in which the fruit of the grape represented the blood of the deity, as it does today in Christian communion rites.

Mastery of the precise musical rhythms required to align the devotees’ consciousness with divinity suggests a control and sophistication of technique that contradicts the historical image of wanton frenzied women. Creating rhythms powerful enough to move hundreds of people into ecstatic trance states required skill, discipline and endurance.

With the ascendancy of Christianity, Cybele’s great temple in Rome was destroyed, the Vatican was built on the site and the new priesthood banned the priestesses, instruments and music associated with her rites. Not only was the frame drum banned from Christian religious rituals, its use in secular contexts was also frowned upon by the Church, in particular its use by women. The Catholic synod of 576 (commandments of the Fathers, Superiors and Masters) decreed: “Christians are not allowed to teach their daughters singing, the playing of instruments or similar things because, according to their religion, it is neither good nor becoming.

”For 3,000 years women had been the primary percussionists in the ancient world. As Europe pursued this policy of disallowing women to learn music, they effectively barred them from the professions of composing, teaching or performing.

The last 30 years have seen a dramatic rise in the number of professional women musicians, but there are still few women pursuing drumming. Although little is known about the history of frame drums and the women musicians who played them, it is an important part of our percussive history. And the ancient traditions of using drumming for spiritual purposes can point out what we have lost.

At contemporary rock concerts we have all the trappings of ritual without the spiritual purposes. Flashing trance-inducing lights, loud rhythmic sound, chanted and sung words, but often with no higher purpose than to momentarily entertain or to glorify the individual performer. And no matter how much idolization some of these quite gifted musicians attain, they are often driven to attempt to fill the emptiness with drugs and alcohol.

Yet I remember concerts that hinted at the search for wider realms and dimensions of being. The first concert I ever saw was a show by the Monkees. But what blew me away was the opening act — Jimi Hendrix. I had no frame of reference for where he was taking me. I soared with him beyond the known on the piercing sounds and songs of his guitar. Yet in the end he burned and beat that beautiful guitar to pieces. I had experienced something profound and transformative, but it had ended in destruction, leaving me bewildered and yearning for something more. I have spent the rest of my life looking for the pathway into the ecstatic that leaves me transformed, whole and euphoric.

This article was Originally published in DRUM! Magazine’s December 2000 Issue

[d-criss-news]

20 Questions With Darren Criss: How Acting Has Helped Him Make New Music

While Darren Criss has graced our TV screens with a range of characters, from high schooler Blaine Anderson on Glee to serial killer Andrew Cunanan on The Assassination of Gianni Versace, he was last spotted just being himself, on our For You Page on TikTok. “I’m walking to rehearsal with a guitar on my back with a Trader Joe’s bag ... I did not bring an umbrella because I forgot that it was raining. I’m rocking that NYC musician life,” the Glee alum explained in the hilarious clip posted three days ago.

While Criss’ acting work has earned him acclaim and stardom, he leaned into making music during the pandemic. On Aug. 20, he dropped a new EP, Masquerade, featuring five new tracks that Criss says were inspired by the different characters Criss has embraced throughout his career. After Criss wrote songs for his musical comedy web series Royalties and Apple TV+’s animated sitcom Central Park before the pandemic struck the United States, he then used those experiences as a precursor to his new EP. As Criss continues to promote his new music, he answered 20 of Billboard's questions – giving us a peek into how his new EP came together, and how growing up in San Fransisco shaped him as an actor, singer and all-around artist.

1. What inspired your latest project, Masquerade?

Although I would have preferred that it come at a far less grim cost, I finally had the time. Before the pandemic, I had written 10 new songs for my show Royalties -- along with an original song for Disney and another for Apple’s Central Park. These were all assignments in which I was writing for a certain scenario and character. Go figure. It was the most music I had ever written in a calendar year. This really emboldened me to rethink how I made my own music— to start putting a focus on “character creation” in my songs, rather than personal reflection. The latter was not proving to be as productive. The alchemy of having this time and having set a new intention with my own songwriting and producing made me put on a few of my favorite masques and throw myself a Masquerade.

2. How do you think your background as an actor complements your music?

They are one and the same to me. I treat acting roles like musical pieces— dialogue is like scoring a melody; there’s pace, dynamics, cadence, tone. Physical characterization is like producing -- zeroing in on the bass line, deciding on the kick pattern. Vocal characterization is like choosing the right sonic experience, choosing the most effective snare sound, and mixing the high end or low end. It goes without saying that it works in the complete opposite direction. Making each song is taking on a different role literally and employing the use of different masques to maximize the effectiveness of the particular story being told.

3. On Instagram  you wrote that “Masquerade is a small collection of the variety of musical masques that have always inspired me.” Which track do you identify with most in your real life?

Everybody absorbs songs differently. Some key into the lyrics, some into the melody, some the production, some into vocal performance. When I listen to songs, I consider all of their value on totally different scales. So it’s hard to say if there’s any track I “identify” with more than any others, since I -- by nature -- identify with all of them. I think I just identify with certain aspects more than others. If it helps for a more interesting answer, I will say I enjoy the slightly more classical, playful -- dare I say -- more Broadway-leaning wordplay of “Walk of Shame,” but that’s just talking about lyricism. I enjoy the attitude of “F*kn Around,” the batsh--t musicality of “I Can’t Dance,” the relentless grooves of “Let’s” and “For A Night Like This.” All have different ingredients I really enjoy having an excuse to dive into.

4. What’s the first piece of music that you bought for yourself, and what was the medium?

Beatles audio cassettes: “Help” and “Hard Day’s Night.” I just listened on repeat on a tape-playing Walkman until my brother and I got a stereo for our room with a CD player in it, which was  when I just bought the same two albums again, but this time as compact discs.

5. What was the first concert you saw?It’s hard to say, because my parents took us to a lot of classical concerts when we were small. But I guess this question usually refers to what was the first concert you went to on your own volition, and that my friend, was definitely Warped Tour ’01. My brother and I went on our own— two teenagers going to their first music festival, in the golden age of that particular genre and culture. It was f--king incredible.

6. What did your parents do for a living when you were a kid?

My dad was in private banking and advised really, really wealthy people on how to handle their money. My mom was, by choice, a stay-at-home mom, but in reality, she was my dad’s consigliere. They discussed absolutely everything together. They were a real team, and I saw that every single day in the house. They both had a background in finance (That’s how they met in the first place.) and were incredibly skilled at all the hardcore adulting things that I absolutely suck at. They were total finance wizards together. So of course, instead of becoming an accountant, I picked up playing the guitar and ran as far I could with it. Luckily, they were all about it.

7. What was your favorite homecooked meal growing up?

My dad was an incredible chef. For special occasions, I’d request his crab cakes. They were unreal. I’ve never had a crab cake anywhere in the world that was good as my dad’s.

8. Who made you realize you could be an artist full-time?

I don’t know if I’ve actually realized that yet.

9. What’s at the top of your professional bucket list?

The specifics change every day, but the core idea at the top is to continue being consistently inconsistent with my choices, and to keep getting audiences to constantly reconsider their consideration of me. But I mean, sure, what performer doesn’t want to play Coachella? What songwriter doesn’t want to have Adele sing one of their songs? What actor doesn’t want to be in a Wes Anderson film?

10.  How did your hometown/city shape who you are?

San Francisco. I mean, come on. I was really lucky. The older I get, the more grateful I am for just being born and raised there. It’s an incredibly diverse, culturally rich, colorful, inclusive, vibrant city. By the time I was born, it had served as a beacon for millions of creative, out-of-the-box thinkers to gather and thrive. I grew up around that. The combination of that with having parents, who were unbelievably supportive of the arts themselves, laid an incredibly fortunate foundation to consider the life of an artist as a legitimately viable option. It’s a foundation that I am supremely aware is not the case for millions of young artists around the world. I was absurdly lucky.

11.  What’s the last song you listened to?

I mean probably one of mine, but not by choice. I know, lame. But I’m promoting a new EP, what’d you expect? But if you wanna know what I’ve been listening to, as far as new s--t is concerned: a lot of Lizzy McAlpine, Remi Wolf, and Charlie Burg.

12.  If you could see any artist in concert, dead or alive, who would it be?

The Beatles is an obvious "yeah, duh." Sammy Davis, Mel Tormé, or of course, Nat King Cole. I would’ve loved to see Howard Ashman give a lecture on his creative process and his body of work.

13. What’s the wildest thing you’ve seen happen in the crowd of one of your sets?

I feel like just having a crowd at all, at any one of my sets, is pretty wild enough.

14. What’s your karaoke go-to?

The real answer to this I’ll write into a book one day, because I have a lot to say about karaoke etiquette. I have two options here: I can either name a song that I like to sing for me, for fun, or I can name a song that really gets the group going. The answer depends on what kind of karaoke night we’re dealing with here. So I will say, after I’ve selected a ton of songs that services a decent enough party vibe for everyone else, then I would do one for me, and that would be the Beatles’ “Oh! Darling.”

15. What’s one thing your most devoted fans don’t know about you?

What I have up my sleeve.

16. What TV show did you binge-watch over the past year?

Dave is a stroke of genius. There are episodes that I believe are bona fide masterpieces. Also, My Brilliant Friend is a masterclass in cinematic television.

17. What movie, or song, always makes you cry?

It’s A Wonderful Life.

18. What’s one piece of advice you would give to your younger self?

Get used to sharing everything about yourself and your life now, or more astutely, to the idea that you don’t necessarily get to control how your life is shared. I know it’s not really your thing, but you’re gonna have to get used to it, so start building up those calluses now. And don’t worry, all the stuff you love now will be cool again in your mid-thirties, so keep some of those clothes because you’ll be a full-blown fashion icon if you just keep wearing exactly what you’re wearing. Oh nd also, put money into Apple and Facebook.

19.  What new hobby did you take on in the last year?

I’ve always been a linguaphile. My idea of leisure time is getting to study or review other languages. This past year, I took the time to finally dive into learning how to read, write, and speak Japanese. Other than making music, it was one of the biggest components of my 2020-2021.

20. What do you hope to accomplish or experience by the end of 2021?

I hope I get to play live shows again.

[aspiringauthorintraining]

Sands of Eon (1/2)

(A/N): Buckle your seatbelts, cause this is a long one! Read with sad music to really get in the mood. Cause I wrote this with sad music playing in the background lol.

“Do you have a wish, Xiao? I’ll write it on your lantern.”

“No need. I don’t have a lantern nor do I have the desire to make one.” He quickly shut down your offer, no sound of amusement or humor found in his tone. But unfortunately for him, you were used to his constant rejection and came prepared this time.

Grabbing another lantern from under the table, you pushed it towards him with a smile.

“Well, lucky for you, I already made you one.” you laughed, seeing his surprised reaction at the lantern in his hands. “No need to thank me.” you added.

“I don’t-”

You interrupted him before he could say no. “I already made it, and I don’t need two wishes. And like I said, I’ll even write it for you if you want.” Seeing his hesitation, you offered him a deal. “I’ll tell you mine, if you tell me yours.”

Xiao, knowing you weren’t going to give up until he relented, nodded reluctantly.

You clapped your hands happily at his defeat.

“My wish is to become someone who can protect the great and mighty Xiao!” you exclaimed, showing him your lantern.

    To become someone who can protect the great and mighty Xiao.

                                                                                 - (Y/N)

The adeptus gave you a puzzled look after confirming for himself that you had indeed written the same wish verbatim, onto your lantern.

“Well, you protect Liyue, right? But who protects you?” you asked the yaksha. And you predicted that he would say something along the lines of “not needing the protection of a mere human” or what not, so you chimed in again. “Of course, I’m not as powerful as you are. So my protection will mostly be in the form of Almond Tofus and my company. And I'll always be here for you, whenever you need me.”

“I have no need of you, nor your company.”

You tried not to smile at the fact he didn’t mention not needing Almond Tofus.

“I’m lonely. You’re lonely. So we can be lonely together, then.” Shrugging, you changed the subject before he could retort back. “So, what’s your wish then?”

At the conversation returning back to the topic of his wish, he let out another sigh.

“Hand me the brush, I’ll write it.”

As he silently wrote down his own wish on his lantern, you wondered whether he insisted on writing it himself because he was embarrassed to say his wish out loud. Or was it because he didn’t like your handwriting? You figured it would most likely be the latter. But upon noticing the slight blush dusted onto his cheeks, you couldn't help but second-guess yourself.

And after a short moment later, he handed the writing utensil and lantern back to you.

“You sure you don’t want to come with me to release the lanterns?” you asked him, hopeful that maybe this year would be the year to finally convince the recluse man of joining the festivities. “We can release it on the mountain, instead of in the city if you would feel more comfortable?”

“I would feel more comfortable staying here.” he replied firmly. His tone didn’t give away any leeway of changing his mind, so you decided that the lanterns would have to do this year. But hey, at least he participated.

After gathering your things, you made your way down the steps of the inn, and into the direction of the road leading back to the city. You waved a goodbye up to Xiao, who just watched your retreating figure. It was only when you stopped walking to frantically wave at him, that he gave a half-hearted wave back. He probably breathed a sigh of relief at your absence, once you left his view. But still, the half-hearted action brought a smile to your lips, and it remained with you the rest of the way home.

Once the Lantern Rite festival ended, the Xiao lanterns disappeared as quickly as they had appeared.

You had been tempted to keep Xiao's lantern after the festival, knowing it was the first, but you hoped not the last, lantern Xiao had written a wish on. But the lanterns were meant to be released, not kept. And it wasn't hard to keep the wishes written on yours and Xiao's lanterns to your memory.

In the following days after the Lantern Rite festival, you spent your time contemplating how to go about making your lantern wish become a reality. But as you wracked your brain, continuously pondering over the problem, you were left with one resounding question.

What really could you do for Xiao?

You didn’t have much to offer the yaksha. You were neither rich nor someone with immense power that could rival his. Your company, which you weren’t even sure whether he enjoyed or not, was the only thing you had going for you. Well, that and making him Almond Tofus.

So then, nothing, it seemed.

You sure talked big for someone who had nothing to back it up with.

That was until one day, when you came across a certain object in a treasure chest in your adventures.

“It’d be best if you destroy that, and forget you ever saw it, (Y/N).” the archon responded to your question.

“Why? Isn’t it just another hourglass artifact?”

You figured asking Zhongli about the item would be your best bet. With how old he truly was, the Geo Archon had an immense knowledge of everything, and if anyone knew what the artifact was, it would have to be him.

“That’s one of the artifacts that was lost during the Archon War. It’s far more powerful than any used these days.” The funeral parlor owner took another sip of his tea, before continuing. “It’s infused with the raw power of a god, so it has special abilities.”

“Like?”

The man should've known that you weren’t going to follow his advice from the start. He let out a defeated sigh, before elaborating further. “There were rumors that the god who created that specific artifact had received the Sands of Eon from Time itself.”

“Time is a person- I mean a living being?!”

“Again, just rumors.” he noted. “And supposedly, by infusing the artifact with his own power, it could bend the laws of time.”

Your eyes grew wide at the new information. “So you’re saying this artifact could, in theory, turn back time.”

“In theory, yes.”

How could such a powerful artifact have washed up shore and land into your hands?

You decided to ask him one last question, already getting a slight headache at the information just revealed.

“What happened to the god?”

“It was said that the first and only time he used the piece was after watching his people massacred during the Archon War. He used it to save his people; warning them of the future events beforehand, buying them enough time to flee. Consequently, the price he paid for saving all his people was was at the cost of his own life.”

He left you with some parting final words as you left the funeral parlor, to sort out your thoughts.

“There's always a price for changing the past, (Y/N).”

Your first thought had been to give the artifact to Xiao, allowing him to go back in time to when he made a contract with the evil god, Kubira, who used him as a bloodhound. But remembering the fate of the original owner of the artifact prevented you from doing so.

It was then you were reminded of your lantern wish.

To become someone who can protect the great and mighty Xiao.

This was the answer to your wish.

You could use it yourself, and stop Xiao from forming the contract with whatever means necessary. You made a promise to protect him and by doing this you would be able to. There would be no pain or suffering for him to endure if you were successful. And once you realized that this was the the only way to truly protect your friend, you knew there was no turning back.

You gave yourself a month to prepare. Reading up on everything there was to the Archon War to prevent a change into the outcome, with your sudden appearance in the past. It was also meant a month of pestering Zhongli; asking about anything that wasn't recorded or lost in Liyue's history. You researched everything you could about the evil god, Kubira, as well, in order to prevent the infamous past contract that sealed Xiao's fate.

And it was, perhaps, the first time you were ever thankful to have grown up alone. No close ties with anyone, no family to miss once you left. Sure you had friends, but they could continue to live on without you.

The only one person you realized that you would truly miss and regret leaving behind, was the same person you were going back into the past for. You wondered if he would be okay once you left. You were the only one who pushed through his constant rejection and intimidating demeanor to truly get to know him and to be able to call him a friend.

But if you were successful in changing the past, would he even be able remember you?

The night before your departure, you visited Xiao at the Wangshu Inn, with a bowl of his favorite dish.

The adeptus who didn’t know a word about your plan, paused at the forlorn look you had as you watched him eat his food. It was already strange to him that you were just watching him, instead of asking him how his day was or telling him who you had met on your way over like always. And the forced way you nonchalantly brushed off your watering eyes as seasonal allergies confused him even more. Something was off about the way you were acting. And the question you proceeded to ask him was the icing on the cake.

“Hey, Xiao. If I went missing for some time, would you miss me?”

If you had asked this in the first year you met him, he would’ve probably responded with a relieved no. But currently, he remained silent at your question.

Had your efforts to befriend him pay off? Did you actually manage to squeeze into his heart, and make yourself a little home?

“…I would miss your Almond Tofus.” he replied after a long minute, paired with a straight face.

Well, it was better than a no.

During the early stages of your "friendship" with Xiao, the words, "get lost" were thrown in your direction every time you had come to visit. So to you, his current answer was certainly an improvement.

“Is it really that hard to say, “Yes, (Y/N). I would miss you so much. Don’t ever leave me” ?” you drawled, trying not to laugh when he briefly choked on his food at your choice of words.

Gulping down his water, he cleared his throat loudly. “Ehem. F-fine, I guess I would notice your absence.”

Sure, it wasn’t the confession you were hoping for, but you would take it.

You gave him a small smile, turning your attention to the view from the top floor balcony.

Taking in a deep breath, you gathered up the courage to speak your next words.

“Hey, Xiao.”

You looked at him with another smile, this one not quite reaching your eyes. You took a silent moment to memorize his face, down to every detail. When you reached his eyes, you tried to keep yourself from getting lost in the amber pools. But with one look at them, you failed miserably, falling straight into their depths. And with your undivided attention given to his eyes, you failed to notice the slight reddening of his cheeks.

“Thank you for protecting Liyue. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being my first love. And most of all, thank you for always being there for me.”

You stood up quietly, holding onto the same bittersweet smile on your face as you neared him. And before he was given the chance to register your words, you quickly left a soft kiss on his cheek; disappearing down the stairs without another glance back.

Regaining his conscious a moment later, he was about to chase after you, knowing you couldn’t have gone far. But a folded letter on the table in front of him distracted him momentarily, giving you enough time to escape.

Xiao,

I thought long and hard about what I could do for you after saying those big words about protecting you. And I think this is the best way to do that. 

I know you won’t remember any of this once I come back, if I come back. You probably won’t even remember me. But that’s okay. I’ll be fine, being the only one who remembers, if it means you’ll have a better future. So don’t let my efforts go to waste! Eat something other than Almond Tofu and snow. Make and surround yourself with friends. I hope I showed you that humans can be worthwhile friends too. And don’t ever think that you deserve solitude, because you deserve so much more than that. 

Thank you again for everything. I never felt alone when i was with you. I’m still not even sure if you consider us friends, but your friendship meant the world to me. So I’m going to have to insist that we are friends.

I don’t have any regrets leaving. I lived and I loved thanks to you. So now it’s your turn. 

I hope you can live your new life without any regrets or burdens weighing you down.

Love Always,

(Y/N).

Part 2 here!

(A/N): i made it into a two part, because it was taking too much scrolling to read everything lol. Also why is Xiao’s story so sad? I did some research before writing and like I’m crying dude.

Like, comment, subscribe, ring the bell for notifications for more videos. jk lol, this isn’t youtube. Just play some Genshin.

[joontopia]

Find You Now | KSJ Oneshot - Preview

pairing: kim seokjin x female reader

genre: smut, angst, dashes of fluff

au: ex childhood friends to lovers, college drop out

rating: explicit, nsfw, 18+

current word count: 7K and growing

preview word count: 1.5K (unedited)

fic warnings: TBD

preview warnings: slight angst, slight pining

summary:  It’s been 4 years since the last time Seokjin has seen you. Four long years since he has seen your face, since he’s heard your voice, since he left you behind in your small hometown to find himself. But the only thing he found was how empty his life was without you. Following the downfall of his most recent relationship and the news of his brother’s engagement, Seokjin’s back home looking to fix the mistakes he tried to escape. To fix the friendship he lost, the pain he caused, and to find his happiness again. If only he could find you now.

This is a part of the Not A Phase Collab hosted by @suhdays​ - Inspired by the song Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard

Release Date: By Monday May 31st, 2021

It’s just past midnight as Jin pulls into his mom’s driveway, softly closing every door of his car as he gets out and retrieves his suitcase from the trunk. He turns slowly, taking in the stillness and quiet of the street he grew up on, stopping the moment his eyes fall on your house across the road. Not much has changed about your house, save for the vacancy of your car. Your typical parking spot in your parent’s driveway is empty, leaving Jin to wonder if you’re not home or if your father finally cleaned out the other half of the garage, allowing you to park inside.

From the faint illuminance of the street lights, he’s able to see the hibiscus bushes that line the outside of your home. The flowers not yet in bloom due to the time of year. His eyes shift over to the cherry blossom tree at the corner of your yard, sight trailing up its growth until his gaze ends at the highest point. The top of the tree still reaches just above your bedroom window on the second floor. Jin’s lips twitch up into a smile as a memory surfaces in his mind.

6 years earlier

“It was intentional. I’m telling you!” You rant, pouting as you stab your spoon into the cup of ice cream in Jin’s hand.

You’re sitting next to each other outside of the local ice cream shop, sharing two big scoops of chocolate and strawberry that had cost Jin the last of his weekly allowance. You had begged him to take you out for a treat, having just endured one of the most awkward conversations with your parents, promising him that he could choose the flavor as a form of sweet talk to get him to agree. He ended up getting a scoop each of both you and his favorites, his heart fluttering at the sight of your bright smile when he joined you outside on the park bench. The moment Jin handed you a spoon, you immediately dived in, a mixture of the two flavors disappearing into your mouth in a flash. A subtle hum of satisfaction slips past your lips from the taste. Jin shakes his head as he smiles, dipping his own spoon in for a scoop. “Chocolate and Strawberry is a match made in heaven. Two favors that go together perfectly. Like best friends, just like us,” you would say each time Jin asked you about your favorite indulgence.

You remove the spoon from your mouth, waving it around in the air as you share with Jin the scarring conversation with your parents that led to this impromptu outing. They finally decided it was time you had ‘the talk.’ If the topic at hand wasn’t bad enough, your dad even shared with you how he used to sneak out his childhood bedroom, your current bedroom, to meet up with your mom. Information that you stated you’d be better off never knowing.

“Did you know there used to be a big oak tree there? Branches so thick, dad brags about how easily they held his weight as he climbed down them,” you grumble. Jin’s eyes are on you, nodding along to your story as he listens. His attention is slightly distracted the moment he feels your hand cover his causing the both of you to hold the ice cream bowl together as you try to steady it, scooping up a generous portion of the treat with your spoon. The subtle touch redirects his mind from your words to his surroundings, suddenly aware of how closely you two were sitting next to each other on the bench.

It’s not unusual for the two of you to be this close to each other, having known one another since you were in diapers. But now at the age of 16, Jin can only blame it on teenage hormones. What else would explain his rise in blood pressure being this close to his best friend? Surely not the intoxicating scent of your perfume. The one he quickly recognizes as the very brand he got you for your birthday last year. Nor the change in how you do your makeup, the natural tones and faux bare minimum style accentuating your facial features. Allowing your natural beauty to shine.

Jin observes as you bring the plastic utensil up to your mouth again, turning the spoon upside down at the last second before placing it on your tongue, your glossed, plush lips closing before pulling the now clean spoon from between them. He watches as the tip of your tongue peeks out, swiping at a rogue drop of melted chocolate ice cream on your bottom lip and he’s momentarily mesmerized. Lost in wonderment at how his favorite flavor would taste from your lips. He’s brought back to reality from a painful thump on his forehead, the result from where you flicked him with your fingers.

“Yah! Are you even listening?” you scold him, doing a terrible job at stifling your giggle from the pout that forms on Jin’s lips as he rubs his wound. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“What’s the big deal? I thought you liked the Cherry Blossom tree,” Jin asks, ears turning red as he looks away from you. Scooping a hefty amount of ice cream into his own mouth to avoid answering the second part of your question. You roll your eyes at him and continue in your rant. Jin quietly lets out a small sigh of relief at you letting his obvious avoidance go.

“I did like it. LOVED it even. My dad said he had the old oak tree removed and the new tree planted shortly after learning I was going to be a girl. But now I just see it as a traitor tree. With branches not thick enough to let me sneak out.” You’re back to pouting, Jin catching the down turn of your lips from his peripherals. How badly he wants to kiss that frown away, the sudden urge to see you smile filling his thoughts.

He hadn’t realized he turned towards you, fully facing you with his spoon in his mouth until you were speaking to him through a fit of giggles, the sound of your amusement like music to his ears. “What are you thinking about, Jinnie?”

Jin is at a loss of words the moment his gaze meets yours. Your eyes full of genuine curiosity as you look up at him, a soft smile one your lips as you wait for him to answer. A slight breeze picks up, causing loose strands of your hair to blow into your face. On instinct, Jin reaches with his free hand, moving your hair back and tucking it behind your ear. Not missing your tiny gasp as your cheeks turn a soft pink from the intimate action. “Have you always been this beautiful?” he thinks to himself as he lets his fingers linger on your cheek. Unsure if it’s just wishful thinking, he swears your face is getting closer to his. Not able to tell if it was from him leaning in or you or both. The moment is suddenly broken by the sound of a car horn blaring from somewhere behind you, causing the two of you to jump slightly back from each other as Jin drops his hand from your face. Clearing his throat, Jin spoons another helping of ice cream into his mouth before passing the bowl towards you.

“Well,” he says, breaking the tension between you two as you take the ice cream from him, “Guess we’ll just have to think of another way for you to sneak out then.”

The smile you award him knocks the breath right out of lunges. The beauty of your happy expression being the most wonderful thing Jin has seen all day. A similar smile reactively graces his face, telling himself then and there that he wants to only ever make you look at him that way all the time.

A somber feeling takes over Jin as he brings himself out of his memory. Turning back towards his house, he walks up to the front door, quietly turning the key and going inside. Locking the door behind him, he carries his suitcase up the stairs, his head turned down the whole way to his old bedroom. He hadn’t kept his promise to himself, so easily breaking it only two years after making it. Entering his room, Jin drops his suitcase on the ground and closes his door. Falling onto his bed, he hopes that once he is able to find you, you will grant him the mercy and honor for him to redeem himself. Allowing him to see that beautiful smile once again.

[existentialmagazine]

Review: St. Buryan’s newest indie offering ‘Illogical’ bursts with vibrant sounds and a lyrically complicated love-affair

Over the last few years, five-piece St. Buryan have established themselves to be a group wielding a sound both original and sure-to-be arena-filling, blending indie-rock rhythms with pop and pop-punk sensibilities. Making their first release of 2023 with ‘Illogical’ the group continue on from a streak of success that came with their previous offering 'Wait For Me', a track that ended their two-year break from releasing any new music back in September.

Set off with deep bass twangs and groovy percussion, ‘Illogical’ immediately looks to capture a positive, uplifting energy you can’t help but want to dance the night away to. As an infectious electric guitar chimes in too, St. Buryan are here to remind there’s nothing better than a self-assured release with a lot to give, and ‘Illogical’ is here offering all that and more on a plate. The verse slows to more of a padded drum beat, the occasional guitar strum and continued bass, setting up the chorus for an explosive interruption that doesn’t disappoint. Bursting into colour, a catchy electric guitar sets a thrilling tone, complemented by resounding drum beats, percussion and more for one hell of a memorable mix. All of this is topped off by their vocalist’s delivery throughout that drips with a charisma in every word, soaring in higher and lower ranges whilst channeling the most emphatically fitting energy for a track so passionately driven. From their melodic guitar to their engaging evolution, St. Buryan have nailed a release that doesn’t stop giving, and even the bridge has something to give. Switching up the mood to at first just electric guitar strums, a masterful riff and thudding drums, this moment almost feels intimate until it progressively builds into one final chant-along chorus to dig your teeth into. ‘Illogical’ is a little lighthearted, and sure to get you bouncing along in it’s nearing four minute journey.

If it weren’t clear from the title, ‘Illogical’ is all about a romance that doesn’t even remotely seem worth pursuing, and yet even in the early-days our protagonist finds themselves hooked on them anyway. Offering a challenge and handful of cancelled plans, ‘Illogical’ really sets the scene for a partner you’d think would be better left unexplored, but the track continues to pursue: ‘I can’t do this anymore, and could you run that by me one more time? Why can’t this be simple? Can’t get my head around it’. Doused in constant frustrations, let-downs and regrets, lines like ‘why’d I pick up the phone when I saw you calling?’ seem to second-guess their decision making, knowing better of continuing a romance and yet still too transfixed to let it go. Completely self-aware the entire time, ‘Illogical’ is perhaps a release many can find themselves relating to, hoping for someone they’re obsessed with to change and become the rose-tinted vision created in our minds instead of the messy reality. From knowing that they’re ‘making no sense’ to doing it anyway, ‘Illogical’ is a bubbly but confused journey of complicated love, and really what’s more relatable than something telling it how most seem to experience it?

Check out ‘Illogical’ for yourself here to enjoy St. Buryan’s catchy indie-rock sound and frustrated (but head over heels) lyrical narrative!

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Will Gorman

// This coverage was created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator

[shintorikhazumi]

She Likes Blues- PASTEL Blues (2)

A/N: Because I love you and this brilliant concept Isa. So i decided to expound on the au... a little. Concept creds go to the ever brilliant @tanuki-pyon

This is a continuation to one of my drabbles. Treat it as chap 1. It’s just gonna be more dumb au stuff so... ayt.

Enjoy?

~Shintori Khazumi.

She Likes Blues- PASTEL Blues (2): It’s A Date!

“I’m your roommate.” Akko managed to lamely state.

The girl in front of her stared at her hand a good, long while making Akko grow more and more nervous by the second.

“Um...miss?”

“Oh, apologies. Yes, yes... Um...” Temporarily placing her phone down on a nearby shelf, Akko watched roommate extend a hand which she gladly took. “Diana.” She curtly said.

“A-Akko.”

“Charmed.” Diana said sweetly, taking her hand back. She gave Akko a quick once-over, and the brunette nervously shuffled her socked feet along the carpet.

“Mi-miss D-Diana?”

“Hmm...” The girl tapped her cheek thoughtfully with a manicured index finger, sucking in the side of her cheek before her expression changed into a friendly smile. Clapping her hands together, she asked, “Ever tried pastel pink or a salmon color?”

Akko stared at her, bewildered.

“What?”

“Clothes. Wearing those colors. Have you ever worn mini-skirts or a sundress? Hmm... Maybe we could find something that would suit you... would Hannah match your size?”

“Um... Miss Diana...?”

“But Barbara might have some nice colors that would match your complexion as well.”

What was... going on?

“You’re ‘all-black’ style looks lovely and all, love-”

‘Love?!’

“But I do believe you could pull off some of the most gorgeous colors, don’t you think so?” Diana asked her, walking forward to lightly pat her cheek. “Okay?”

“...o-okay?” Akko went along with her pace, still not registering what was going on.

“Perfect!” Diana cheered, planting a chaste smooch on Akko’s other cheek before bidding her goodbye with a wave of her fingers. “It’s a date!”

“Date...” Akko repeated blankly, hand touching the place where warm lips had just blessed her. “Date... Date?!” Akko screeched, fingers running up to pull at her hair, trying to prove to her that she wasn’t deliriously dreaming.

[“Oh wow! You just scored a date! Real quick too! Um... congrats, my baby?”]- Her phone sounded from her pocket, and Akko flew inches off the floor in surprise.

“MAMA?!” Had she not hung up?! Wait... did that mean that... her mother had listened in on the entire conversation?! Wait! NO! That couldn’t... this couldn’t... Her heart suddenly picked up speed for a different reason, the organ pounding excruciatingly in her chest. Her mind ran a mile a minute in anxiety and panic.

She wanted to cry, to throw up. Her throat was so dry and painful.

Her mama had heard that. Sure she hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary... had she?

‘Calm down, Akko. Calm down. She might not have thought of it as anything weird. Yeah. Nothing weird. Of course. Except for my very female roommate setting us up on a date.’

Akko took erratic, deep breaths.

‘Oh but that doesn’t mean anything, right? It’s not like you’d normally think it was anything but a friend date unless you know for sure that your kid was... but my mom doesn’t- ’

Wait, but mothers knew these types of things, right? What if she had pieced together Akko’s reaction and figured it all out on her own?

Years of trying to hide it and... but maybe Akko was just that bad at hiding it. And her mom now knew.

Akko hadn’t even told her on her own that she was...

[“Akko-chan? Are you there?”]

No... she... how would she... what would her mom...

“Mama... I’m... I’m sor-”

[“My sweet baby, listen. Listen to Mama for a sec, okay?”]

Akko whimpered, nodding despite her mom not being able to see her.

It was too late. Her mom clearly knew now. Obviously. There was no way she didn’t. She was now going to confront Akko. She was going to tell her, even if it was with a sweet voice, that Akko was in the wrong, and that maybe she’d have to go into that strange therapy session Amanda complained to her about last week. And then she’d say she was disappointed, and that would hurt Akko more than any other thing in the world-

[“Baby, just please be sure to bring her home and introduce her to me during vacation, okay? She sounds like a lovely girl.”]

“...eh?”

[“I love you, my little Akko-chan.”]

Akko felt herself tear up, clutching her phone close in disbelief and incomprehension.

“Mama?” She called out in a hoarse voice, trying to grasp at straws of reality that she suddenly couldn’t fathom.

[“Hai~?”]

Akko sniffed, harshly wiping away her tears on her sweater arm.

“I love you, mama.” She sobbed, trying her best not to outright wail.

[“Mama loves you most.”]

Like a dam, her emotional barrier broke, spilling out in teary mumbles and sobs.

Was it supposed to be this easy? Or was she just so incredibly blessed?

She continued to wail into her phone mic for the next few minutes or so, listening to her mother tell her random stories about geese and laughing at how silly her cries sounded.

She really did adore her mother.

After about fifteen minutes of a breakdown however, a different tune broke through the air. Even her mother noticed it, immediately asking what it was.

“I... don’t know, Ma.” Akko responded, looking around the room to find the source of the grossly cutesy music that certainly didn’t belong to her. “A ringtone?”

And then she spotted it, on the shelf. A glammed-up phone strap, and a case with ears-

“Oh, hell on earth... It’s my roommate’s phone.” Akko accidentally said. She heard her mother belt out a hearty laugh.

[“Well, then I guess you should do what you have to.”] She said.

“Huh? What do you mean? Pick it up?” Akko asked, unsure.

[What?! No! Wait... actually, maybe you should.”] Mrs. Kagari muttered.

“Eeehh?”

[“Hurry! And put it on speaker in case it’s some weirdo!”]

Feeling the urgency in her mother’s tone, Akko felt compelled to pick up, holding the glittery device to her ear, and trying her best not to sound awkward or stupid for her roommate’s sake.

“Hello? Um... the owner of this phone currently-”

[“Oh, is this Akko?”]

“Y-yes! This is indeed, um, Akko... who is... conversing... with you.” She squeaked out. She could hear her mother facepalm on the other line.

[“Oh perfect! Hi! Um, this is Diana. Sorry about inconveniencing you. I was a little foolish and forgot my phone, it seems. Sorry for calling. I was just making sure that I hadn’t actually lost it along the way.”]

“Oh. Oh wow, that’s... that would have been terrible.” Akko responded stiffly. She could just hear her mother’s shame from across the ocean. It wasn’t like she had taught her how to flirt or anything!

[“Yes, indeed it would have.”] She heard Diana’s sweet giggling on the other end, and her heart soared. [“I’m so glad it’s with you, though- in safe hands.”]

Akko was so glad Diana couldn’t see her stupid grin. “Me-me too! I’m... I’m glad too! For you!”

[“You are terrible at this.”] Akko barely heard her mother groan.

“Um... s-so... do you want me to... bring your phone over to where you are or something?” Akko asked, clutching the phone securely in hand.

[“Oh! Oh, dear no. Please don’t feel bothered. I just wanted to check if it was okay. B-but... if it’s not an inconvenience to you...”]

Akko found her bashfulness quite cute. Like everything else about Diana.

[“If you don’t bring the lady her phone, I will disown you.”]

Her mom could be terrible sometimes.

“I’ll... I’ll bring you your phone, no worries. It’s no biggie... um... just tell me where you are and I’ll head on over.” Akko said, grabbing a notepad to take down the address.

[“Really? Oh thank you! Thank you so much! You’re a darling, Akko.” Diana responded cheerily, dictating the directions for Akko to take to get to her. [“Again, you are such a sweetheart.”]

“No, not at all.” Akko chuckled awkwardly. “Anyone would do this.” She shyly replied.

[“Oh, not at all, sweetie. You’d be surprised.”]

Akko blushed at the pet name, already muting out her mother’s teasing giggles.

[“Tell you what, once you get here, I’ll treat you to lunch. How about that? Oh, and while we’re at it, we could just do our little date! What say you, darling?”]

Akko was reaching the cap of her shyness threshold here. She didn’t know if she could take anymore.

“S-Sure.” She was still afraid to come off as rude to her brand new roommate though. Wanting to make a good impression, she figured she’d accept.

That’s all there was to it.

[“Brilliant! See you soon, love~ Bye.”]

At the dial tone that ended the call, Akko walked over to her bed, grabbed a pillow... and screamed.

[“Send me pics, love you!”]- She heard in the background before her mom hung up as well.

Akko screamed again.

[sub-hoshi-enthusiast]

For the Moots :) (pt. 1)

This is a little thank you to all my wonderful moots that have interacted with me and helped me through the trying time that was 2020 😔 but seriously, I love all you beautiful people and thank you for putting up with my awkward ass-

(Also yes I'm splitting this in 2 parts because I made a few of them longer than intended and I don't want this post to be a mile long 😐)

@euphoricsunflowers 🌻

Sub!wonho, dom!reader, dumbification, bondage, use of toys (vibrator), overstimulation, dacryphilia

You smirked down at your boyfriend as he squirmed beneath you, thighs shaking as you pressed the vibrator harder against his cock. The ropes that tied Wonho's wrists to the headboard proved to be strong enough to keep him exactly where you wanted him as he kept fighting against them to touch you. Realistically you both knew that he could get out of them in a second if he really wanted to, but the fact he chose to surrender all his power to you made your heart flutter. You were brought back to reality as Wonho let out another choked moan.

"What is it bunny? Are you gonna cum for me again?" He whimpered, unable to respond as his head flopped to the side. His eyes were clouded and rimmed red with tears with drool spilling down the corner of his mouth. 

"What, can't say anything? Why not bunny? Is it because I fuck you so good you can't think of anything else but me? Can't even form words cause of how good I make you feel?" He opened his mouth to respond but cut himself off with a pornographic moan,  making you giggle at his helpless state. He was your favorite like this, just a big dumb toy for you to use however and whenever you want.

@foenixs 💖

Sub!woozi, dom!reader, mommy kink, pegging, baby boy woozi (he's so cute 😔)

"Ngh- mommy!" Jihoon cried out, snuggling further into the stuffed bunny he had squished in his arms. What was supposed to be a calm movie night had quickly escalated when he accidentally spilled his drink all over his shorts and took them off, leaving him a hoodie that practically swallowed him whole. To be fair, how were you supposed to hold back from pouncing on him? That's why Jihoon was now on his knees and forearms on the couch with you kneeling behind him, thrusting into him with as much power as you could muster. You leaned over so your chest was pressed against his back.

"Is mommy making you feel good babyboy?" He whimpered as the tone of your voice, sounding so sweet even though you were fucking him as hard as you could. You could see the wide grin on his face as he nodded.

"Oh- yes! M-mommy feels so so good! Ngh- t-thank you mommy~" You giggled at how cute he was, pressing a kiss to his temple before returning to your original position. The night was only just beginning.

@vanillaknj 🥺👉👈

Sub!namjoon, dom!reader, oral (f recieving), crossdressing (he wears a skirt, thigh highs, and a crop top)

Another groan slipped past your lips as you pulled on Namjoon's hair, tugging him closer between your legs. Your boyfriend was always gorgeous, but tonight he had decided to go above and beyond. He had known you had been working your ass off all week and decided to give you a little present; the "little present" being him dressed up in a cute skirt, some thigh highs, and a matching crop top. You had been ready to devour him as soon as you saw him, but he insisted on taking care of you like the sweet boy he was.

"Oh fuck baby, just like that~" You growled out, making him whimper against you. You were practically suffocating him with how you grinded into him but he didn't seem to care as your release covered the bottom half of his face. He eagerly lapped it up, making sure not to waste a single drop before pulling away to look up at you. You lazily smiled down at him, gently running your fingers through his hair.

"Thank you baby, you made me feel so good. How about I return the favor?"

@baa-nana 😚

Sub!kevin, dom!reader, overstimulation, soft sex, praise (I guess?? It's just overall really soft), pegging

Kevin's whiny moans echoed through the room as you thrusted in and out of him at a steady pace, giving your hands that had been interlocked with his for the past few minutes, a quick squeeze.

"Aw, is my baby gonna cum?" He bit his lip with a nod, a shaky whimper escaping him. A soft smile lit up your face as you left a trail of kisses over his neck and shoulders, leaning up to leave the last on his lips. "Then go ahead beautiful. Cum for me." He muttered a mantra of 'thank you' as he arched his back up into you. His legs, as well as the rest of his body, trembled beneath you as his release finally hit him. His eyes rolled back in his head as his jaw dropped open in a silent moan. You bit your lip as you looked at him. A choked whimper was forced out of his throat when you started the movement of your hips again.

"I'm sorry baby, you just looked so pretty like that. You think you could do it again for me?"

@feelslikelove 🤗

No warnings really, just a fluffy jaehyun with no power dynamics

Jaehyun's arms were snug around your waist as you sat in his lap, the sound of his soft breathing calming you as you continued the book you were reading. The only other sound in the room was your playlist you had created for reading. A bright smile lit up your face when you heard the starting music of your favorite song, the quiet humming you had been doing before turning into quiet singing. Your boyfriend smiled as well, singing along with you while swaying in his place on the bed. You could tell from the sound of his voice that he was about to fall asleep. He couldn't see the smirk on your face as you saved your page and set the book down. He suddenly jolted beneath you as you started singing obnoxiously loud, letting out a groan at the sudden change in volume. You let out a squeak, stopping your singing as he tightened his grip around your waist and flopped over so you were in the spooning position as held you. You squirmed in his grasp, turning so you were face to face with him.

"I love you." You said with a light chuckle as you pressed a kiss to his nose. He opened his eyes to give you a small glare, grumbling something along the lines of "sure you do" which only made you laugh harder as he snuggled closer. Yeah, he loved you too.

[heliads]

Still Into You

Based on the request “Luke x reader based on the song Still Into You by Paramore?”

masterlist

Luke is leaning up against the wall, legs stretched out idly in front of him. His girlfriend is curled up on the bed next to him, lips pursed in thought as she considers the lines of music in front of her. They have the same habit of writing songs in worn and torn notebooks, of writing over and tearing out pages until the books themselves are reduced to nothing then reanimated with the sheer frenzy of their music. Luke likes that they have this shared trait, like it’s a sign that they were meant to be together ever since the start.

Y/N feels Luke’s eyes resting on her and looks up, blushing slightly. “I’m not very interesting company, am I? Sorry about that.” Luke just grins. “Don’t worry about it. You writing songs makes me think about songs, and that’s one of my favorite things to do.” Y/N smiles at that, leaning up to kiss him gently on the cheek before settling down again in front of her notebook. She squints at a line, then rubs it away with her eraser.

Luke glances down at the lines of music, but his head’s at an angle and he can’t read a single note. “What’s the song about?” Y/N flashes him a teasing grin. “It’s a surprise. You’ll find out soon enough.” She considers the main melody, adding a few notes as she goes. “I’m not quite sure if it’s happy or sad, not yet. It’s fast, and it’s fun to sing, but that’s all I’ve got right now.” Luke nods, leaning his head back against the wall and letting the faint sounds of scratching pencils and Y/N’s occasional humming take him back to the time he first met her.

Y/N was Julie’s friend, and had been her best friend long before Luke showed up. Luke smiles in spite of himself, remembering the first time he had caught a glimpse of the girl. Julie had been talking with Y/N in her room, and Luke had made a point of walking by so that Julie would be forced to introduce him. From the second Y/N had locked eyes with him, Luke knew he was head over heels for her. Even the way she said her name sounded like a melody, a pure and beautiful sound that Luke couldn’t write even if he tried for the rest of his life (or death).

Every moment spent with her was better than the last, every inside joke and casual conversation inspired him. It hadn’t taken Luke long to realize he loved her, and an even shorter time to ask her out. Luke laughs inwardly, remembering how nervous he’d been to first ask Y/N on a date. If ghosts had heartbeats, Luke’s would have been pounding so loud the entire town could have heard it. Luckily, she had said yes, and the rest was history.

There had been hard times, sure, but the good easily made up for the bad. When the business with Caleb and his club had finally come to an end, with Luke, Alex, and Reggie being able to finally touch people, Luke had practically sprinted over to Y/N’s house. She had looked up at him through tear-glazed eyes, having thought him dead, but her gaze quickly changed to happy shock when he had gathered her up in his arms, picking her up and turning in a lazy circle.

Then there were late nights with the two of them cuddled up close together, and early mornings with kisses pressed to cheeks, and date afternoons with hands entwined for all the world could see. If, you know, they could see Luke at all. It didn’t matter, though. Not with her. Not for anything as long as Luke had Y/N.

Luke is snapped back to reality when Y/N gently shuts her notebook cover, yawning. “It’s getting late. I think I’m going to go to bed.” Luke glances out the window, surprised to see that night had fallen and the stars were already shining through the dim patches of cloud. Luke stands up, stretching, then leans back down to kiss Y/N one last time. He says his goodnights and turns to go, pausing only once to look back at the girl he loves before disappearing back to Julie’s studio.

Luke is frustrated. He’s not sure why, but his blood is practically boiling. Maybe it’s because it’s been a long, stressful week, where he’s convinced himself that things have been good for too long. Caleb wouldn’t just give up, not like this. Something’s coming. It has to be.

Then there was the problem of Luke’s obvious ghosthood. It’s amazing to perform with his friends as a guitarist of Julie and the Phantoms. To play music again, in front of a crowd that can see him and cheer along as if he were just another lifer? It means everything to him. But for every stellar performance, there’s always that one moment when it ends. When the last chord is played and the drumbeats fade away to silence, when Luke finally disappears to the crowd. It just feels like a constant thorn in his side, a reminder that no matter how hard Luke works he will always just be a ghost, unnoticed by anyone except the rare exceptions.

Luke can’t stand to go inside the studio, at least not yet. He doesn’t want to be stuck inside again, in those same four walls with the same few people. So he heads out down the streets, walking casually down the sidewalk as if he were just another ordinary teenager heading home from school. He’s so lost in his surroundings that he almost doesn’t hear someone calling his name, and even then, it takes the person’s running footsteps that stop just behind him to convince Luke that they’re not just calling out to someone else on the street.

When Luke turns around, his frown turns into a smile when he realizes it’s Y/N. She looks amazing today, eyes shining with the bright light of the afternoon sun. She beams at him. “Look who’s out and about! I didn’t expect to see you here.” Luke chuckles, scratching the back of his head absentmindedly. “I figured it would be nice to get out of that studio every once in a while.” Y/N nods, then her happy gaze turns into one of slight guilt, as if she’d just realized something.

“Actually, about that. You remember how we had that date planned in a few days?” Luke nods. He’d been really looking forward to that. The two of them had decided to visit the boardwalk again, and stroll up and down while taking in the wind and the waves and all of the shops that dotted the faded horizon. Y/N winces. “Something came up unexpectedly, and I think I’m going to need a rain check. This honor society at school just announced that they’re meeting at that time, and I can’t skip it. I’m really sorry.”

This should just be a normal occurrence, something that Luke can brush off with a smile and an understanding nod. Yet for some reason, he feels his previous anger start to bubble up again inside of him. “Really? At that exact time?” Y/N nods, looking to all the world like a girl utterly distraught at the news. “It was supposed to be later, but they changed it. I didn’t have a say in it, but I can’t miss the meeting.”

Luke frowns. “But we agreed on that date. I mean, we’ve been talking about it for a while now.” Y/N glances back at him, evidently surprised at his tone. “I don’t have a choice about this, Luke. I can’t change the meeting.” Luke looks back at her. “And what, we can definitely change this?” Y/N raises her eyebrows. “I thought so, yes. It would be super easy to just move it to be the next day.”

Luke shakes his head. “Can’t do it then. I’m spending time with Alex and Reggie.” Y/N furrows her brow. “You spend time with them literally every day. Can we not have our date then?” Luke stops walking, suddenly exasperated. “Your meeting is important and so is this.” Y/N turns to face him. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I’m literally just asking if you can put off talking to your friends for a couple hours. I don’t think that’s very hard to do.”

Luke folds his arms across his chest. “Of course it wouldn’t be hard. I’m a ghost, after all. Everyone knows that ghost problems aren’t nearly as important as your problems.” Y/N looks taken aback. “That’s not what I’m saying at all! What’s up with you?” Luke stares at her pointedly. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just tired of feeling unimportant.” Y/N holds up her hands in front of her. “I never said you were unimportant. I’m just confused as to why you think me not being able to make it to one date is equal to an entire argument.”

Luke feels himself getting irritated, and tries to put on a calm face, but all hopes of salvaging this are out the window. “Well, we wouldn’t want you to get too upset about this. How about we just cancel the date? All future ones too, for that matter. It would be too bad if I interfered with your schedule.” Y/N looks horrified, but Luke’s already poofed away, leaving her standing alone and in shock on the sidewalk.

It’s barely been a few hours, and Luke already feels bad about everything. Did he really just say all that to Y/N. And over what, a schedule change? But if Luke knows one thing about himself, it’s that his pride is too big of a stumbling block to overcome. He can’t bring himself to go back and admit that he was wrong, even though he knows that he very much was. So he waits, and waits. A day passes, and then another, and then another. Y/N avoids him the entire time.

After a week, Luke feels crushed by guilt. He’s made a terrible mistake, and he knows it. Why did he have to be so rude just because he felt bad about himself? The other boys have picked up on his bad mood, and try to be extra nice to him. That just makes Luke feel even worse, like he’s upset them too.

Luke’s lying on the sofa in the studio when Julie appears in the door. She knocks twice on the door, alerting him to her presence, then walks in. She comes to a stop in front of Luke, handing him a flyer for a band performance at her school. Luke takes it, frowning. “What’s this about? You think we should do something like this?”

Julie shakes her head. “No, I think we should go. It’s for Y/N’s band. She’s performing, and we should be there to support her.” Luke sits up, looking at his friend. “Y/N doesn’t want me there. Trust me. I messed up things with her big time, and the last thing she wants is to see me in that crowd.” Julie sighs, perching next to Luke on the arm of the sofa. “I would disagree. I think this is the perfect time to get up the courage and see her again.”

Luke is more than hesitant at first, but Julie talks him into it through a combination of calm advice and emotional blackmail. What would you do without friends? So, Luke drags himself out of Julie’s studio and towards Los Feliz High School, regretting his decision the entire time. What if Y/N’s already moved on? What if she really doesn’t want to see him there, and his presence will just make things worse?

Luke wants to turn and leave a dozen times over, but Julie and the boys are there with him, forcing him to stay. Luke follows them into the crowded gymnasium, where he can see a stage is prepared and ready for the upcoming performance. Just as Luke is seconds away from talking himself out of the entire thing, the lights dim and a voice comes over the speakers, announcing Y/N’s band. So this is it- no backing out now.

Y/N and a few of her friends walk on stage, waving to a cheering audience. Y/N is the lead singer, and grabs a guitar from a stand before taking her place in front of the mic. She flashes an easy grin to the crowd, then starts playing.

Instantly, Luke recognizes the song. It’s the one she had been writing all those nights ago, when the two of them had been at her house and everything had been perfect. It’s just like she described- fast, certainly. He still can’t decide if it’s happy or sad, maybe reminiscent or hopeful, even. Then she gets to the chorus, and Luke feels himself lean forward involuntarily as Y/N grabs the mic, singing directly into it as if she were speaking to him herself.

‘Cause after all this time

I’m still into you

I should be over all the butterflies, but I’m into you, I’m into you

And baby, even on our worst nights

I’m into you, I’m into you

For the first time all night, Y/N turns to look directly at him. There’s a twisting feeling in his heart as Luke realizes exactly what the song is about. Him, and her, and everything that went wrong. It’s funny- even as the full extent of the hurt Luke has caused Y/N hits him, he still feels his heart swell with relief. She still loves him, even after all this time and all this heartbreak.

Some things, some things just make sense 

And one of those is you and I

Some things, some things just make sense

And even after all this time

I’m into you

Luke’s heard Y/N sing before, in quiet rooms and empty streets. He’s seen her on stage too, felt goosebumps as she performs with that same captivating electricity every time. But he’s never felt anything quite like what he feels right now, this combination of relief and guilt and love, sheer love, that rocks him to his core.

Before he knows it, the song is over. Y/N and her band perform a few more songs, all excellent, and then he realizes that they’re starting to step off stage. Instantly, Luke poofs away to the hallway just backstage. He opens a door that leads outside, making sure Y/N sees him go, and stands there in the slight chill of the night.

He doesn’t have to wait long. Luke’s barely been there a minute when the door swings open again, revealing Y/N walking towards him. The door has barely closed behind her when Luke moves towards her, crashing his lips onto hers. She looks up at him with this startled smile, reflecting his own teasing grin when he pulls away. “Y/N, I’ve been such an idiot. I messed up. I don’t know what I was thinking that afternoon, but I regret it all. Of course it’s not a big deal to move the date time, and I don’t know why I thought it was.”

Y/N considers him for a moment, a light smile playing on her lips, then speaks. “It’s okay, Luke. Julie tells me you’ve been miserable this whole time, so I knew you didn’t mean it.” Luke frowns. “Julie said what?” Y/N laughs. “She made sure to tell me so I didn’t feel bad.” Luke’s about to say something about how he’s sure Julie has no idea what she’s talking about and he’ll be speaking to her later, but Y/N grabs his hands, pulling him close. “Don’t say anything to her. It was what I needed to hear.”

Luke stares at her for a second, weighing her words, then breaks into a grin. “If you insist. Oh, and by the way, you killed it out there. You were amazing.” Y/N smiles up at him. “You think?” Luke kisses her cheek. “I don’t just think, I know. Loved the first song especially.” Y/N laughs, the quiet sound somehow making the darkness of the night brighter, like the sunrise came a few hours early. “I’m glad to hear it. I’ve been working on it for a while and it just felt right.”

Luke grins, kissing her again. Of course it felt right- it was the truth, the unspoken truth that both of them had been dancing around this entire time. No matter what, the highs and the lows and the worst of the nights, they still loved each other. That’s the way it would always be.