#but it also got me to a point where i didnt feel revulsion at my own weakness

[yugocar]

one of the best/most healing things about living alone was my weakness not being a disappointment/burden to anyone

[valkavavaart]

Was the cats movie so bad that your mind blocked it from memory or so confusing that you couldn't keep a hold of what you watched?

i dont really think it was either. it was just such a nothing experience. seeing the cats hands phase into human hands, seeing the visual glitches, being bashed over the head with song after song, going from vague hilarity to discomfort and pain in seconds... it all ended up as nothing... when i first saw the cats move i felt unsettled and i was uncomfortable during a good few portions of the movie, but it was always just a dull nagging rather than clear outright revulsion. the songs seem to drag on for an eternity to the point where it feels like moments spent talking are moments wasted-- i cant remember a single one. the songs were repetitive yet i dont remember a single one. characters werent easy on the eyes and settled into the uncanny valley but didnt feel like they were ever real people at all. the movements of the characters were painful sometimes- just in a slow, uncomfortable way. the few times i laughed were mostly thanks to macavity, and that one bit in rum tum tuggers song when he goes NO MORE MILK then leaves the milk shop only to scream MIIIIILK and run back in. those are the clearest moments in my brain. the background music in some scenes almost felt demented and had it been a slightly different pitch, im sure it would've instilled fear within me.

yet the movie was forgettable and i can only think of it when i force myself too.

characters lacked in all personality- did rum tum tugger show up after his song again?? i literally dont remember. what was the deal with the one cat with pants that suddenly got a song what was he doing i didnt realize he was supposed to be important. why do some cats wear clothes but most dont? why did rebel wilsons cat wear a suit of fur over clothes? what was the NAME of rebel wilsons cat? there was fucking rumpleteaser and the other one but i still dont remember the other ones name nor am i sure which was which.

it feels like an empty void of a movie. we took two breaks will watching it- one halfway through, and the next about twenty or so minutes later.

its all just... drab. nothing about it stuck out to me as good, aside from the vague hilarity and absurdity of it all. i feel like i will have nightmares of it, yet i also doubt it will ever effect me irl ever again, and i cant see myself ever watching it a second time unless with friends and/or alcohol.

[rainbowdoom32]

So I'm going to start identifying myself as aspec. Previously I identified as a bisexual aromantic but upon furthur consideration I might be asexual.

I'm posting about this b/c 1) it puts it out there and makes the lable feel more real and tangible

2) I know some of y'all IRL or on a personal enough basis that I feel you should know

3) A queers need more visibilty in gen

4) cause I want to talk abouy it

So Idk how to do a read more and am on mobile so if you dont want to hear about what being aspec means to me start scrolling now

So. In the aspec community (do we have a better word?) theres an overwhelming discourse about sexual and romantic repulsion. For those of you who dont know thats when the idea of sex , sexual content, sex itself, the idea of romance, romantic gestures, and/or romantic content acts as a squick for you it creates some spectrum of a revulsion in you to be confronted with one or more of these things. Its an overwhelming discourse for many reasons but the one I want to talk about is that it makes it obvious that your ace or aro if your repulsed by sex or romance. The process for discovering your aspec identity is easier in a way, specifically in a way it isnt for me.

See I dont experience sexual or romantic repulsion. I like romance stories and porn. I actively seek these things out. I'm not put off by discussions of others romantic or sexual lives (specific aspects may repulse me but in general I'm interested in these especially when coming from people I care about). So naturally as a teenager I never considered myself as aspec. i considered myself bisexual almost immediatly (there was a thing where I thought I was tricking myself into thinking I liked women to be included in the queer community. More on that later) it took two very short very middle school esque (one took place my sophmore year) relationships and an accidental internet encounter with the concept of aromantisim for me to realise that the reason this wasnt working for me was because I didnt really want it.

The more I thought of myself as aro the more things made sense. At the slumber parties as a kid I never had a crush to confess. Those two failed relationshios? Guy friends I'd gotten real close to and thought my new stronger friendship feelings must be what romantic attraction feels like. Also the real sticker, I dont get jealousy in romance at all. Like that one goes over my head. I dont understand why cheating is the worst thing someone can do in a relationship to the point that people who've been sucked into a cycle of abuse and have become convinced everything is their fault will snap when they discover they were cheated on. That is absolutly mind boggling for me.

The point of that is I never got that ew ick romance feeling. As a reult the road to discovering I was aromantic was long and and full of doubt. Doubt that went along the lines of "Maybe I just havent found the right person". Which also happens to be the exact thing my mum says to me everytime I try to explain that Im aromantic to her. Bisexuality she understands and accepts. This she doesnt. So even though I know intellectually theres no right person for me that niggling doubt remains andit haunts me.

Now im going to devolve a bit here and I know what this sounds like but im seriously not trying to be offensive just explain something

See I read a fanfic recently. I dont remeber how I found it but it was a Stony fic and the story and the set up were very romantic cliche. Basically Steve was Tony's booty call it evolves to friends with benefits Steve falls in love. Textbook stuff. But see theres a wrench because the author identifies as aromantic is with the definition we have aromantic. They write their identity onto Tony. Thats something we do in fanfic and in writing. But the problem I ran into is this: the author identifies as aromantic because they experience romantic repulsion(yes they told me this) so in the fic Tony is in love with Steve but experiences romantic repulsion. The idea of romance of romantic commitment makes him anxious and sick. This is how the author feels FWB allows them to experience intimacy without triggering their repulsion. Identifying as atomantic makes them feel not broken. This so good right? This is why we have labels

Except. When I read this part of the story it hurt me. Directly. See Tong Stark has Daddy Issues. Ehen the author wrote about Tony's romantic repulsion narritevly they tied it into Tony's not nice childhood. I dont know specifically why it wasnt part of thwir explanation when I told them their story hurt me. I didnt ask. But this narritive decision made what was essentially was an author expressing their experience as an aromantic in a story feel like a personal attack against my aromantic identity.

See when I read that what I read was "Tony Stark cant commit to an actual relationship with Steve Rogers because Howard Starks Grade A parenting fucked up his ability to recieve expressions of love and his ability to commit. Tony Stark is in romantic love with Steve Rogers but his childhood trauma prevents him from expresing it in the traditional manner this is what being aromantic is"

That hurt. Because it hit that little doubt in my head about not having met the "right person" and mixed it up with some childhood trauma made you a broken person. It also hit me while I felt safe. Romance stories are my escapism. Their like an extra element of fantasy in a story for me. I specifically seek out romantic stories as a comforting mechanism. Fanfics in particular because of their inclusivity. I was in my safe space, and I was whammed in a sore spot.

The problem is though the author has a right to that story and that label and to express themselves. We usually draw the line at self expression where it hurts other people but thats not what happened here. What happened here was definitial confusion. The author and I were using "aromantic" to describe two different but similar romantic orientations. In doing so we hurt each other ironically in the same way. We both said to each other "Your identity is wrong and toxic you hurt people and yourself by expressing it the way you do". (I left a comment saying how her story affected me)

When I say I'm aromantic I mean I experience no romantic feelings. None nada zilch. The idea that I might one day experience a type of romantic feeling is an aggression against me. The same way the idea that gay people can choose to be straight is an aggression against being gay.

But I can't invalidate someone else to protect myself. What do I do? I dont want to hurt myself and I dont want to hurt other people? Idk

And now to why I no longer identify as bisexual.

I'm a virgin. Because most peoples first time is with someone their in a romantic relationship with. And we'll I dont do that. Im also a socially anxious person. I have no idea how to instogate a sexual encounter and honeslty I wouldnt feel comftorable dping it with someone I couldnt trust or alternatively someone I'm friends with and would have to continue being juat friends with in post we had sex awkwardness. So ive never had an opportunity to have sex.

But I also havent sought them out. And I dont feel particularly driven to. These are reasons to think your asexual but I'm sure it's also the experience of many introverted and secually awkawrd people. And it's not like I couldnt have sex at some future point. Even now if an opportunity arose I might say yes, of only to confirm my asexuality.

The thing that has made me actually consider if I'm ace tho is a weird quirk of mine. I cant get off to prom videos. I use lit erotica. Why? Cause the idea that those are real live people puts me off. Porn stars and amateur porn makers know people get off watching their videos. Theyre okay with that. But I'm not. At all. Thats a big ol nope for me.

See I'm a ciswoman. Which means I have a clitoris. An organ whose only purpose is to provide pleasure. As everyone knows reciving pleasure via the clit requires no participation by a second person. The fact that my clitiros functions as intended and that I use it isnt sexual attraction.

Thats a new idea for me. But it's true isnt it? Sexual attraction is about other people. And sure I can appreciate other people's hotness. But just because I think a horse is pretty doesnt mean I want to fuck it. Remeber that thing about thinking I was faking bisexuality?? I was right. I wasnt sexually attracted to women. But what I hadnt bothered to consider because of heteronormativity was that I wasnt sexually attracted to men either.

Other fun fact in case you might be an ace person who's read this far (why? Also hi Katie and possibly Sadie but definelty Nishat. No im not implying any of you are ace) I dont have sex dreams. But I do have dreams in which I masturbate. So stick that jn your pipe and smoke it.

Anyways these are all experinces that I have that I feel neccessry to share to make it so the repulsion story isnt the only one out there. And also to start a discourse about how experiencing and not experiencing repulsion affect aspec experience. Thanks for reading!

[vincent-marie]

A Look Back on TREASURE PLANET

So recently I rewatched TREASURE PLANET for the first time in about fifteen years and… I'm not gonna lie, it's still my personal favorite of the 2D Disney animated features from the early to mid-2000s.

Let's be real. Of the 2D features Disney released around that time period, TREASURE PLANET is one of the more solid films. ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE had some interesting ideas and some really nice design work and animation, but it really needed to be at least two hours long if it wanted to flesh out the characters and the world-building without requiring supplementary material (like a special edition of Disney Adventure magazine). Hardly anybody remembers BROTHER BEAR was even a thing, and the less said about HOME ON THE RANGE, the better. (Seriously, that movie wasn't even worth the Steve Buscemi cameo.)

The only other film of that era that has really held up was LILO AND STITCH, and I'll admit it's probably a better film than TREASURE PLANET. It took more risks in terms of character, setting and originality, and emotionally it leaves more of an impact. (That scene when Nani sings to Lilo makes me cry like a baby every time.) My only problem with it is it always felt like two entirely different movies collided with each other and it never felt like they really meshed well. Otherwise, I agree with most fans that it’s a good film.

Also, of course, there was the excellent THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE, which was just such a huge departure from Disney’s normal schtick and trying something more Tex Avery-esque, only for it to be a perfect storm instead of a total crash and burn. That is much to be proud of.

Going back to TREASURE PLANET, I can understand that most folks walk away saying it’s an "okay" film. I, however, am not one of those people. I've had a real soft spot for this movie ever since I saw it, but now I appreciate this film for additional reasons.

Namely, the animation and effects work. Holy crap, is this movie gorgeous! It's like watching Don Bluth's ANASTASIA, except I don't have to feel guilty about historical inaccuracies. (Now it’s just scientific inaccuracies, but STAR WARS gets away with that all the time.)

Directors John Musker and Ron Clements had apparently wanted to do a sci-fi retelling of "Treasure Island" since before they started working on THE LITTLE MERMAID. With that in mind I do feel like this movie would have fared better with critics back in the early 90s during the Disney Renaissance. However at that time they would not have had such elaborate and detailed CG effects within arm's reach. There's something I really enjoy about the use of 3D backdrops so that they may do sweeping camera movements, and that's not even getting into the lighting effects to establish atmosphere.

What's more, there are a lot of subtleties to the character animation that I never appreciated until now. You could just pick one character and focus on him or her during the whole movie and find a lot of fun little quirks in their dialogue or walk cycles.

Admittedly, much of this film’s appeal probably depends on how much of an animation fan you are. In my case I was watching John Silver’s animation and I suspected that Glen Keane was probably in charge of animating him (as there are moments when Silver looks so much like Ratigan). Those suspicions were confirmed during the end credits and I was delightfully geeking out about it.

It’s also easy to see where this film might not have had a lot of mass appeal. Most of the focus on the story is on Jim Hawkins and his daddy issues, which by the early 2000s was already a cliche of a character arc. And it’s not helped by the fact that Jim himself is... well, kind of on the bland side as a protagonist. There’s not a lot about him that makes him any more or less interesting than any other teenage male lead. But for what it is I think the movie did fine at establishing and building the relationship between Jim and Silver, which does have its warm and comforting moments. For both of them.

And at least the film is straightforward with its plot and characters and it’s not a structural mess like HERCULES, a previous venture by Musker and Clements.

Something I’ve noticed over the years is that TREASURE PLANET has a little bit of a cult following. I distinctly remember this one time when I was taking a storyboard class in college; we were assigned to do a “Master Study” assignment by recreating the key story frames in our favorite scene in a favorite animated movie. One of my classmates picked the scene when Jim is brought home to the inn by the police and embarrasses his mother. I recall being so impressed, and even a little envious, that she got the character design style down to a T. (If you’re wondering what movie/scene I picked for my Master Study, I picked the Big Ben scene from THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE.)

Then, of course, some friends and I suspect that TREASURE PLANET might have fared better if it had been released a bit later, more towards the height of the Steampunk craze. It’s not quite what I would call “Steampunk”, as it takes place in a sort of alternate universe version of the 18th century and not the Gothic era, and most of their transport is solar-powered and not steam-based. Nevertheless it’s easy to see how fans of Steampunk could find it appealing, with its mostly earth-tone color pallet to evoke the painted illustrations of the classic novel it was based on. Also that combination of a pre-20th century aesthetic with out-of-this-world science fiction elements is pretty much, in my opinion, what makes Steampunk so much fun to play around with. Also, a robot made out of copper. End of story.

In terms of why this film didn’t do so well when it was released, I suspect what stunted its success was the marketing. I could be wrong, as I was actually living in Honduras at the time of the film’s release, but we got some TV stations from Denver, Colorado. I remember a lot of the TV spots spent most of their time highlighting the goofy comic relief moments with Morph, and there was a real emphasis on the presence of B.E.N., even though he's in less than one-third of the movie. In other words, the film's success might have been partially sabotaged by a marketing team that seemed to think if you don’t take your film seriously at all that will somehow draw in the crowd.

Although speaking of the comic relief characters, I actually don’t mind them that much. I always thought Morph had a lot of cute, funny moments that weren’t too obnoxious. As for B.E.N., I kind of have mixed feelings for him. On one hand, the directing team made better use of Martin Short’s improvisational skills than PEBBLE AND THE PENGUIN or WE’RE BACK! ever did. But on the other hand, does B.E.N. have to be so loud and shouty? However, while B.E.N. is a real screw-up, he’s not so much to the point where I want to see him get smashed with a sledgehammer. He’s generally likable, not at all loathsome, and just annoying enough, but not TOO annoying.

However while we’re still on the subject of B.E.N., I’d just like to add that the CG animation on him is really nice. Making him 3D gives him a sort of sense of solidity compared to his hand-drawn humanoid compadres, and to top it off his animation isn’t at all stiff or feels like the CG is holding him back. There is some really expressive squashing and stretching going on with his dialogue. It’s so subtle in places that you’d probably miss it if you’re not looking for it. A lot of CG animation studios at the time like Pixar and Dreamworks had not quite mastered squashing and stretching themselves, so kudos to Disney for pulling it off so well.

Now if I may indulge a little on why I remember this film fondly, my favorite characters were always Dr. Doppler and Captain Amelia. They are both fun and engaging on their own, but together they are weirdly adorable. Granted, I've always thought them getting together at the end was a bit rushed, but I still totally buy it.

(What I don't buy is that they'd be so eager to have kids after Doppler showed such annoyance and revulsion towards that toddler alien girl at the beginning. I get that the creators wanted some visual shorthand to indicate that they're an official couple, but they could have just been wearing wedding rings or throw in a little more of them dancing together.)

Part of the reason I love these characters on their own is the casting. I was already familiar with Emma Thompson from Ang Lee's adaptation of SENSE AND SENSIBILITY, and her character of Eleanor Dashwood was very quiet and reserved. You can imagine my disbelief and delight hearing her play an assertive, witty badass as Amelia. (As if I didn't already think Amelia’s design was cool.)

As for David Hyde Pierce, I had only occasionally watched FRASIER growing up, but when I saw this movie I was familiar with him through some other memorable voice acting roles, particularly that excellent Season 8 episode of THE SIMPSONS, “Brother From Another Series.” In other words, I already knew him to be funny, snarky and charismatic.

While I'm on about the casting, I feel like there's a totally wasted opportunity to have these two characters in a room together, say, before the black hole scene, exchanging witty banter to show how compatible they are in a casual setting. It’s a shame that Emma and David didn’t record their dialogue together, because with her being an accomplished writer and with his skills at improvisation, there could have been some good verbal combat by way of “Much Ado About Nothing-Meets-Frasier.”

But looking back, I remember I immediately loved Captain Amelia just on principal. As a kid I never really gravitated that much to any of the Disney princesses. I can’t really describe why, but it was mostly how they were marketed as just looking pretty and (arguably) kind of passive in their own stories. Not to mention how when Disney Princess became a brand, they really amped up the girly cutesy-ness to their preexisting images. Not to say there’s anything inherently wrong with cute or feminine things, but it really made me feel like a weirdo who somehow wasn’t fit to be called a girl.

Captain Amelia, on the other hand, had her own style of femininity by wearing a classy, more masculine captain’s uniform along with thigh-high high-heeled boots (that she has no problem running in). She had a no-nonsense attitude, she was focused and cool-headed in a stressful situation, she was downright snarky and took crap from no one. In other words, she was the type of woman I wanted to be when I grew up, and to this day she is my favorite Disney Lady, bar none.

And while I’m at it, I’m just going to add that I’ve always found Dr. Doppler more attractive than your standard Disney prince. Besides his character design looking like a canine version of Roger from 101 DALMATIONS, he just always seemed like he’d be fun to get a coffee with.

Well, that’s about all I really want to talk about regarding TREASURE PLANET. It’s a shame it’s not remembered by more people as it does have some really good elements to it, but in some regards I can kind of see why it wasn’t a huge critical success. If you haven’t seen it already I recommend checking it out as it’s a pretty solid standalone film that doesn’t need supplementary material and covers all the bases with the plot and some fun character moments here and there. If you’re an animation fan I cannot stress enough how you really need to watch it, or even rewatch it, because, again, the animation and effects work is just a real feast for the eyes.

[whatajabroni-blog]

the past week has been incredibly draining. from international womens day to sarah everard’s death. I think maybe the most difficult thing about it is feeling like im surrounded by people who don’t feel affected, who don’t seem to understand what it means to be a woman or what their words do. I’m frustrated that they seem to think they are innocent and that they have no reflecting and changing to do. Are they so blind to the fact that i’m actually not ‘one of the boys’ that they forget im a woman, who is impacted by their behaviour in ways they cant understand. What am i to think when it gets pointed out at every opportunity that a woman isnt wearing a bra? What am i supposed to think when i dont wear a bra? Can you not see how what you say means i am now aware of how my body is perceived, that i will monitor myself and change my behaviour to avoid commentary? How am i supposed to feel when you call us ‘dumptruck’ or make a scene when we bend over to do something as trivial as tie our shoe lace? Where’s the logic because I know your excuses would be its just a joke but you’d tell me in the same breath its biological instinct to find bums sexual - so please explain how it’s ok to draw attention to what you’ve all deemed a sexual part of my body and then tell me it’s a well meaning joke? Was the joke that it didnt look sexual because of what i was wearing - being unattractive is something to draw attention to also? These are the words of a couple of people, but said amongst a larger complicit group who say nothing to challenge these ideas. And that’s why I’m angry at all of you. 

They can fondly recall memories of someone who sexually assaulted and coerced me, continue to follow them on social media, engage with their content. Where are the repercussions for his behaviour? It’s as if it didn’t happen. I got to feel the shame, i got to feel the lack of control, i get to continue to feel the revulsion that comes with the memories. And yet, the consequences for him were none. Maybe he’s in his own personal hell now, but that is of his own doing. I don’t see why people who are supposed to love me honour him more. And that’s why I’m angry at all of you. 

[samanthasroberts]

How hard-partying soldier Mathew Stewart became an al-Qaida militant

Former comrades of the army private turned jihadist fighter reveal how he was scarred by drugs, alcohol and service in East Timor. I hate what hes doing But we cant hate him, one says

He wore a mask but the accent was unmistakable. The man in the al-Qaida tape bellowing, as we are killed, you will be killed was Australian. And his appearance in the April 2005 video sparked an international police race to identify him.

Greg recognised the masked man immediately. I had a gut feeling. The way he was using his hands to point, his body movements, even right down to the way he was holding his weapon, he says. I just knew it was Mathew.

The Australian federal police moved in November to issue an arrest warrant for Mathew Stewart, a former soldier who vanished while travelling in central Asia in August 2001.

Internal police documents released under freedom-of-information laws in April revealed the 39-year-old is thought to have entered Afghanistan from Iran and taken up arms with the Taliban. In October he resurfaced again, this time in Syria, where police believe he helps train fighters for the jihadist militia Jabhat al-Nusra.

Mathew Stewart vanished when on holiday in central Asia in 2001, later surfacing in an al-Qaida propaganda video. He is now believed to be training militants in Syria.

Such a senior responsibility suggests Stewart is no longer the drug-addled drifter who left Australia 15 years ago. He has earned the trust of the central command of one of the worlds foremost terrorist organisations. The mad surfer from Mooloolaba is likely the most senior member of al-Qaida Australia has ever produced.

Few are as surprised by the Queenslanders transformation as the men he trained and toured East Timor with as a private in the Australian army.

Guardian Australia has interviewed several of Stewarts former army colleagues, who recalled the young soldiers steady unravelling from drug abuse, his experiences in East Timor, and relentless bullying by two of his section commanders. The men, all since retired from the army, are torn between revulsion at Stewarts acts and an enduring sense of comradeship with a man they insist had nothing dark in him.

I hate what hes doing But we cant hate him, one of Stewarts former army mates says. I do love Stewie, another agrees. [But] if it came down to it, and it was between me and him in Afghanistan? Id shoot him.

Five months before Stewarts Delta company, part of 2RAR battalion, landed in East Timor to spearhead a UN peacekeeping force, it took part in a training exchange in Malaysia. It was the 23-year-olds first visit to an Islamic country. Mathew absolutely hated Muslims. He despised them, recalls Ben, a former member of his company who, like the others, asked that his surname not be published.

The feeling was widespread among the young men, observing up close an unfamiliar culture. But [Stewart] was probably the most vocal, he saw it as a very domineering religion and culture, Ben says.

Stewart was popular in the unit. He was exceedingly friendly, Ben says. One guy had his car break down, and Stewie lent him his car for I dont know how many months. Thats just the sort of guy he was.

Reece, who also served alongside Stewart, agrees. There was nothing dark in him, he says. Mathew was that kid who was always willing, the first one to volunteer.

Members of the unit were aware Stewart had partied hard before joining the army. He obviously had some issues, Ben says. He had done a lot of hard drugs when he was younger, he was right into surfing and that culture. His home life was pretty rocky to say the least.

He was just a normal kid that wanted a change, Reece says. He was so committed to the job. All he wanted was to be a soldier. I think it gave him some credibility.

Each of the men contacted by Guardian Australia raised Stewarts treatment by two superiors inside the company. I and a lot of blokes feel as though he was treated wrongly by [them], Greg says.

It was torment. Mental torment.

He was constantly made a target by these stronger personalities, larger figures, Ben says. He was constantly given shit jobs. Sleep is one your critical resources out there, and you always want more time in bed. But Stewie would be left on gun pickets for extra time, get verbally abused.

It just broke his fucking heart, basically, Reece says. He was incensed about it, upset. Asking, Why are they picking on me?

They were fucking arseholes, to put it plainly, he says.

Stewart after he joined the Taliban in August 2001

They say the mistreatment in the dysfunctional unit continued throughout the training exchange and in Timor, where Stewart served six months from September 1999.

He had a bit of a stutter, but he developed more of a stutter, Ben says. He had a big scar on his chin and he constantly used to rub that with his forefinger all the time. It was a nervous twitch.

He had two corporals steal every bit of confidence he had in himself, Reece says.

Im not bashing up the army. Its individuals in the army who get away with things that they shouldnt.

East Timor was an arduous deployment. We saw bodies hanging from a noose that had been out there for weeks, Greg recalls. Human remains in a well that youd been taking water out of for showers.

Reece lost 20kg over the course of his first tour. The conditions were bad, he says. It was Australias first deployment since Vietnam. It wasnt organised. It wasnt smooth.

Once we got back we were pretty troubled souls, Greg says.

Only since 2002 has mandatory psychological screening been carried out on Australian soldiers returning from combat. We were fed beer, that was our decompression, Reece says. Then we were turned loose on leave.

Stewart began to disintegrate on his return to Australia. He wasnt good, Reece says. He was sharing a house in Townsville with other soldiers. There were cigarette burns on the coffee table. He was smoking weed, he was doing stronger drugs. It was almost like he was having a last hurrah.

His stutter worsened. He was twitchy, very unsure of himself constantly questioning, Ben says. Constantly seeking approval from his friends, peers, superiors. It never stopped.

There was only the faintest clue of the path Stewart would take just over a year later. He never talked politics, but he said something funny to me once, Reece recalls. He was talking anti-American. Theres big trouble coming, Americas this and that. It was strange for the time.

Days before Stewart left Townsville to get psychiatric help in Brisbane (he would eventually be discharged on health grounds), Greg walked into his house unannounced. I found him by himself, bed full of needles, incoherent, he says.

Reece was the last of the trio to see Stewart. It was early or mid 2001, he says. At the time he was taking language courses ahead of a second tour of East Timor. I spoke to Mathew at his mums place. I asked him how he was. He seemed more focused then, he wasnt drinking. It seemed as though he had a plan.

It is likely that by this time Stewarts interest in militant Islam had already been stoked. He told a Turkish journalist in 2010 it was sparked some months before, when he encountered a picture online of the Chechen militiaman Ibn Al-Khattab. [In] Khattabs gaze I saw the peace of mind I do not see in any human being, he said, according to a police translation.

When the first video of Stewart surfaced in 2005, we all couldnt believe it, Ben says. We were taken aback and amazed. We honesty didnt think hed ended up like that, considering all the hate he had for Muslims and Islam back then.

Ben too recognised Stewart instantly for his frame, voice and mannerisms. With one difference: he didnt stutter.

Stewarts former comrades bear surprisingly few grudges towards him, even Ben and Reece, who later served in Afghanistan. What happened to Mathew stuck with me throughout my career. He was honestly a guy who was loved by many and hated by two, says Reece.

I hate what hes doing. Ive lost friends in the past 15 years that weve all gone through, and hes probably contributed to that. And a lot of us feel that. But we cant hate him. If you knew what he was like, youd understand.

They hope by speaking out they can raise awareness of mental health issues among soldiers. I owe it Mathew, I owe it to his family to say something, Reece says.

Greg agrees. There needs to be closure, there needs to be accountability.

Did you serve with Mathew Stewart, or do you know more about this story? Contact us securely using Securedrop or at michael.safi@theguardian.com

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/14/how-hard-partying-soldier-mathew-stewart-became-an-al-qaida-militant/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/14/how-hard-partying-soldier-mathew-stewart-became-an-al-qaida-militant/