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#but it hurts hurts hurts hurts i literally cannot sleep bc of it
lovelyhan · 1 year
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binders-and-beanies · 4 months
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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The thing about chronic pain is that I'll be experiencing the usual horrors (pain and discomfort that isn't possible to fully ignore) but I'm not even phased, like this is just a normal Wednesday night for me.
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muqingists · 2 years
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fell asleep on the bathroom floor for like 15 minutes. if you were wondering how it's going here ZKSMSKS
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disengaged · 2 years
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sometimes i hallucinate bugs when i am very tired. & it makes my life very difficult
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legofbicuriosity · 2 years
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bongospasm · 4 months
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#just ignore this#i’m fr never going to be mentally healthy am i#why do i not see a future for myself outside of just killing myself at like 25 once my life falls apart completely#managed to not hurt myself for ages and went straight back to it in the past few weeks#just got out of genuinely one of the worst depressive episodes of my life where i genuinely thought i was going to finally do it#genuinely so lonely at the minute. i see my bf once a week#i have one friend who i get to see consistently and besides that im alone and it fucking sucks#i have a club i go to once a month that sort of keeps me going bc it means seeing more than two people#i thought i was out of the episode but i really don’t know anymore and im worried im actually going to do something this time#i’ve called the crisis line so many times in the past year and it’s not done anything they said they referred me to psych but they in fact#did not and i’ve just waited around for two years for three non existent referrals#i can’t do it bc i can’t do that to ewan or my parents but besides that i sincerely think me dying wouldn’t really affect anyone else#which i think is a good thing really#literally cannot cope with the constant intrusive thoughts anymore it’s genuinely hell#stuck between i need to see people and the people i want to see do not like me so i’m just gonna keep my distance#actually wish i could have my consciousness just sleep for a bit while someone else piloted my body and did everything i do so no one could#tell i was gone#i feel like a stupid hormonal teenager but i really didn’t think i would live this long and i don’t really like being alive all that much i#just keep going because i get to see ewan once per week
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softgothbabe · 4 months
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exopelagic · 7 months
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once again facing unstoppable force (anxiety-driven need to finish my work) vs immovable object (brain doesn’t wanna do anything but think abt little gay people)
#solution: write tumblr post#I JUST figured out a fix to my plot problem in this story I’ve been thinking abt#and I rlly rlly badly wanna start fleshing out these characters bc this is the story I’ve been most excited abt in a long time#it’s also combining a bunch of elements I’ve been playing with for a long time but never fit#and I am obsessed with all of the character concepts I have rn. there are 4 and this caters DIRECTLY to me#I’m getting much better at crushing the anxiety spikes that are uh. like. vaguely scrupulously ig that kept me from making things do ages#in favour of going hard on self indulgence and I’m having a great time#scrupulosity* as in i worry incessantly abt readings and sociopolitical implications until I’m just exhausted by the concept and drop it#sometimes you can just have fun luke it’s okay#but yeah I am!! and I wanna draw them all and do more stuff but#I have THIS FUCKING LECTURE. most boring frustrating man alive hislectures SHOULD BE GOOD but he SUCKS#he cannot get to the point and takes so many detours which are COOL but he’s so pretentious about it his lectures are PAINFUL#I get headaches within a few minutes of listening to him talk this hasn’t happened since I was sleep deprived in the v basic first year 9ams#and I’m on the last one. out of four. I have half an hour left. but this half an hour is insurmountable#and I gotta finish it bc I have so much other stuff to do (only two more lectures (better)!!! but also coursework now#which is easier!! and I know how to do both of them but it’ll take a chunk of time and I’m committed to getting it done by end of next week#okay. okay fine. I will watch this dumb fucking lecture and it will hurt#but once it’s done I will literally never have to listen to him talk again this is it forever. one last stretch#and then I can mess w my story while I have food. I can do this. pray for me#luke.txt
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literally all i have been doing the past two weeks is Wanting. they call me the wanter the way i'm wanting things i can never have
#yearning longing whatever you wanna call it#needing as well but to a lesser extent because you can only need to a certain degree before it becomes wanting. lusting for sure#i have not stopped since the year started and i don't see an end in sight yet. i literally can't even think straight anymore#i literally cannot do anything or get anything done i mean i'm bad at that usually but like i genuinely think i've lost it#and as someone who never had it to begin with... idk!!!!#it's like i'm afraid to lose focus on it as if it isn't a constant choice i keep making when i wake up#i must remember that i can give up anything if i decide to. everything could change tomorrow#not looking at him for 2 hours will not make the feeling go away... pls be convinced brain#because i have not been sleeping well </3#and i'm becoming hard to be around again. people can just instinctively tell when i'm being weird#it is important that i be as realistic as possible while being the most deranged person on earth#wouldn't want to hurt myself again lmao... but i always do anyways so i just gotta let it happen#anyways i'm gonna try to watch harold and maude sometime today and also watch another movie bc we are only 4 weeks into 2024#and i already fucked up the 'watch a movie a week' thing i've been doing LMAO all because i wanted to look at a man#i'm ridiculously fucking braindead#not upset about it tho that's just who i am. brain is fully developed in 2 weeks and 1 day so it's never gonna change sadly#atp growing and changing are not impossible but if i do not see a reward of being loved at the end of the tunnel i will end up dead#and it's fine it's all so fine
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astrxealis · 9 months
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good evening! currently i am exhausted bcs i slept for only 1 hour in the morning thx to interactive fiction + guess what !!! "a date with death" :)) ruined my life in the best way i will collapse sooner or later
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grlgvngs · 1 year
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heartual · 1 year
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falls to the ground crying sobbing and bawling
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elfanonymous · 1 year
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FUCK i better not have swimmers ear
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angelbarelywrites · 7 months
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♡ slashers scenarios | sharing a bed
♡ fandoms; The Boy, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original + 2006), House of Wax, Dead by Daylight, slashers (general)
♡ characters; Brahms Heelshire, Micheal Myers, Thomas Hewitt, Bubba Sawyer, Vincent Sinclair
♡ reader; gender neutral
♡ cw; very suggestive content, implied smut
♡note; swapped out billy in this one bc i can’t imagine him sharing a bed with someone and not getting literally pornographic
•┈••✦ ❤ ✦••┈•
Brahms Heelshire
> Once he decides he wants to share the bed, he finds the biggest guest room bed and brings all of the comfiest pillows and blankets he can to make it perfect
> For you more than him, but he doesn’t feel too hurt when you push half of them to the foot of the bed
> It was a lot even for a king bed
> You’re reluctant at first, not used to sharing a bed
> But you find he’s very hard to say no to once you’re in that deep
> He tries to give you space, but it’s not long before he’s wrapped around you, clinging for dear life
> And he almost immediately falls asleep like that, head tucked into your chest
> You sigh and try and relax, petting his hair
> And you fall asleep with your hand still tangled in his black locks, holding him close to you
> You wake up to him nuzzling your neck and practically whining
> “Baby…wake up…”
> You’d ask him what the problem was…if you couldn’t feel it against your leg
> You spend most of the morning still in bed, lazily fixing his predicament
Micheal Myers
> He doesn’t get why you want him to do this
> You know he doesn’t cuddle
> You know he usually gets restless and wanders at night
> But there’s no reason to say no, and even he can’t stand how sad your pout is
> You hum and stretch, tucking yourself in and look at him expectantly
> He takes off his boots and lays on top of the covers beside you, stiff as a board
> You have to coax him to even take the mask off, but he still won’t relax
> You quickly realize he’s used to high security psych ward bunks, not big comfy queen beds full of stuffed animals
> “…do you…wanna sleep on the floor?”
> He pauses.
> Shakes his head and closes his eyes.
> After you finally fall sleep, he sits up, intending on leaving
> But you look so peaceful…he can’t help to stay and watch you. Just for a little while.
> When he touches your cheek, you press into his hand. Maybe a while longer.
> When you wake up he’s still staring at you, hand long gone from your cheek
> But once you blink awake, it creeps somewhere else..
Thomas Hewitt
> He’s almost nervous of the idea
> Y’all are certainly intimate with each other - just as intimate as you would be if you were married like his mama was planning
> But what if the family noticed you were in there? He’d kill Hoyt for calling you anything nasty-
> When he sees you in skimpy PJs, he immediately forgets his worries
> He has a huge bed because he’s a huge guy, so when you curl up in it alone, it’s almost comical
> He’s staring at you as he climbs in after you, cautiously removing his mask
> His shoulders relax a little when you smile up at him, still so amazed you can stand to look at him
>“Hold me?”
> He grunts and takes no time in pulling you flush, spooning you. He’s more relaxed than he’s been in a while, sure he’ll fall asleep in no time
> Until you give a tiny sigh and shift your hips, innocently adjusting
> It doesn’t take much for you to set him off- he’s touch starved and obsessed with you.
> Along with feeling him against your ass, you can literally hear his breathing change.
> “…Tommy baby? Want me to take care of that?”
> It takes another two hours before you fall asleep, both sticky with sweat and sated, your head laying on his broad chest.
Bubba Sawyer
> He’s so happy to have a sleepover- even if you live right down the hall in the same house (I cannot imagine you dating him and being allowed to leave the farm tbh)
> He gives you an updated tour of his room- he’s very happy to show you the collection of polaroids of you he hung up.
> You were wondering where those went
> Finally he drops you on the bed, giggling quietly
> It’s old but comfy, and he has plenty of stolen pillows and blankets, and even some stuffed bears
> He strips right on down to his heart boxers, leaving his mask on for last
> He takes it off slowly, giving you that shy look he always does
> You grin and open your arms and he’s more than happy to scoop you up with a coo.
> By the time you’re settled, you’re curled around his back
> He loves being the little spoon, even if he’s a big brute
> When you wake up he’s bursting back into the room with some slightly burnt toast for breakfast
> It’s a sudden wake up call, but a welcome one
> And you repay him in tons of kisses, all over
Vincent Sinclair
> Like some of the others he’s hesitant
> But you want him to relax, he’s been working so hard- so you take him away from the studio, and into your room
> You’re not even letting him so much as sketch until he sleeps
> He tilts his head and is almost pouting, trying to guilt you - even more so once you help him remove his wax
> Until you coax him into his stomach so you can massage his back, that is
> You’re clumsy and certainly not a professional, but your hands on him is enough to melt away the stress
> He suddenly rolls over and grabs your hips as he hears you yawn
> It’s your turn to pout down at him
> But eventually you relent and let him cradle you close to his chest as he hums a nonsense lullaby
> You keep him trapped in bed the next morning as revenge, again straddling him before he can get up to leave
> But this time, you’re most certainly not yawning
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pumpkinstrawbrew · 1 month
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𝔗𝔯𝔲𝔩𝔶 𝔱𝔥𝔬𝔲𝔤𝔥𝔱 ℑ 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔩𝔡 𝔪𝔞𝔨𝔢 𝔦𝔱 𝔯𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱, 𝔅𝔲𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲'𝔯𝔢 𝔣𝔞𝔯 𝔱𝔬𝔬 𝔭𝔬𝔦𝔰𝔬𝔫𝔢𝔡 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔪𝔢. 𝔖𝔲𝔠𝔥 𝔞 𝔣𝔬𝔬𝔩 𝔱𝔬 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔨 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 ℑ 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔩𝔡 𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔲𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔶 𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔩 𝔶𝔬𝔲. 🥀
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(this is prob the most girliest thing i drawn so far. but i always had an inkling for classic fairy tales set ups. less for the story itself, more for the aesthetics. an’ i’m also weak for armour an’ knights / medieval related stuff on main. everything during that era looked so pretty, even if it wasn’t super practical. 
i was thinking about various arts / figures, that depict bruce dressed in actual knight's armor, an’ thought about his an’ crane’s situation in arkhamverse. comparison between a pretty princess, who needs a savior cannot be further away from who jonathan is, but at the same time, there are some interesting lil parallels to such stories an’ his narrative. as jon’s mantra in arkhamverse was literally related to this. ‘no more savior. no more hope. no more batman.’ he wasn’t even secretive about it or anything. all those 3 things are intertwined an’ related inside his mind. all of those things make an outline of who the bat was for him. 
i thought about the time, jon had crawled out from the sewers. mangled an’ shocked, an’ in pain. the anger came after. at first, there was a need to do basic things first. to treat the wounds. he’s bleeding pretty badly an’ his leg hurts. his face….i imagine, that it wasn’t pleasant to see in the mirror what became of it. those days are probably hazy for him. he mostly sleeps an’ tends to his re-opening injuries. then, once his mind is clear enough an’ pain is numbers down by meds, he thinks about what happened. how it happened. an' at this point, comes a disbelief that the bat just…let this happen to him. that he just left him to die an’ drown. that he did nothing to prevent this from happening.
crane would doubt this at first. maybe, he just remembers it wrong? but he looks at himself, feeling how he can barely move his leg, how his face is barely a face anymore. an’ no, there is no doubt. the bat had turned away from him, refusing to save him *that’s how he imagines it was, at least* jonathan never realized how much he idealized the bat, how much he relied on him coming to his rescue. with rage, enters a brief grief too. that’s the end of the line, bc if the bat won’t deem him worthy of saving, if he won’t save him anymore, won’t bring jon even a sliver of hope, then he should no longer be batman at all. 
this was basically the concept behind the first art. an encapsulated moment of jon’s hope breaking for the last time. things as intense as they are bleak. the plan is being formed. their mutual un-happy ending creeps near. but in that moment, it's just kinda painful. being abandoned by the only person, who seemed to care enough to at least not let him die.
the second art is more heavily connected with the song itself. in a way, this is an AU concept of them being the prince, who is also a dark knight in secret an’ the lonely, wicked alchemist. the main idea is the same as their story in arkhamverse. jonathan gets to know the knight an’ becomes somewhat dependent on their ‘shared roles’, feeling betrayed an’ scornful, when the knight fails to save him from uh. a dragon. so he returns with a scheme to destroy his once savior, in the end finding out that his failed knight was prince all along. i suppose, the only big difference in this AU be that jon’s ft needle glove is similar to needle in sleeping beauty story, an’ once you get a ‘taste’ of it, you fell into nightmares, but like, literally fall asleep. it’s pretty much similar to what happened to him in the actual arkhamverse as he appeared to be borderline unfunctional in the end. 
but since in this AU they have a bit more time to themselves vs just plot, plot, plot. bruce actually has a chance to grasp jon’s emotions a tad better. having a more clear idea why he was so viciously upset with him. it won’t fix anything, knowing the reason when it’s too late. nothing can be undone with a kiss here. bruce was revealed as brooding prince, who took the persona of mysterious knight an’ jon is in a kind of slumber, that prob cannot be broken.
no happy ending here, either. but it’s a bit softer in nature. as there are just two of them in the ivory tower. the dawn comes, but doesn’t manage to bring any comfort nor break the spell.
at first, i drawn bruce’s mask similar to what a knight’s helmet might look like, but i thought that i actually like it more, when it’s unclear if he’s in the mask or not. when it's hard to tell who he is in the moment, when he looks down at jon. the fallen knight or broken prince. i also like how in arkham knight jonathan saw maskless bruce in his batman attire still, so it's a bit of a call back to this too.
like, this is one version of what happening there. i suppose, this also can be some sort of fever dream, that either *or both of them* have. in the end, it’s free for interpretations. i just wanted to draw smth kinda 'poetic', even if sad for them. i do appreciate all the gloom misery in arkhamverse, but i also like more sappy-ish an’ beautiful things too. esp bc with villains like crane or mysterio, it feels kinda wrong to not use tropes, that they might be familiar with via books / movies. an' that they hiliriously enough often fits into, despite being bitter, twisted middle aged men.
aaaan' that’s about it. 2 takes on arkhamverse canonical events. one is more grounded, the other one is flew off the rails lol. regardless, i actually really like these 2 drawings! i was messing around with colors, trying to use the shades an’ tones, that i usually avoiding. at some point, both of arts were greenish, but it was just such a wrong mood. an' i guess, otp holding each other in their arms is like one of my fav poses ever. it's just so precious to me.)
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