#but it makes me very sad bc I miss being active on here and actually enjoying everything

[crybaby-bkg]

I started crocheting my first blanket today and my hand hurts so unbelievably bad and I’m not even a quarter done with it 🫡🫡

[steviescrystals]

my tags on the post i just reblogged got me thinking so here’s my current stream of consciousness

[purpleandstarlight]

Here are my first thoughts on @hateweasel 's cielois fanfic DLTD, as I share them like 100+ chapters into the journey with my best friend (who hasn't read DLTD nor was ever really into Kuro) trough DMs. Here recapped for y'all.

- I FORGOT!! I DIDN'T KNOW HATE'S PRONOUNS AT THE BEGINNING SO WHEN I SPOKE WITH MY BEST FRIEND (In Italian, where they/them pronouns don't really exists unfortunately) I ALWAYS TRIED TO GET AROUND USING PRONOUNS SO AS NOT TO MISGENDER HER!! At some point (this time on ff.net, bc I usually read on ao3 so that's where I read DLTD first) I read on an author's corner the she/her pronouns and sent an ask to Hate (probably on anon bc that's how I was at first) to confirm and from then on I was finally able to get it together when talking about Hate.

-Hey Hate, remember when I sent you that anon ask talking abt how you reminded me of a French cartoon and you IMMEDIATELY recognized it as Code Lyoko? Yeah related to that whole "school thinks they're adoptive sibling" thing, I wondered why no one at school had questions about why the fuck the supposed siblings had that much non-platonic tension.

-My initial criticism that wasn't actually criticism on Hate bc I knew this was from 10 years ago and i honestly just read it as how teenage boys, especially at the time, behaved. It was criticism to just the boys, not the author. Criticism include:

1)the gay slurs the cast kept throwing around.

2)The way they all said that one in the Cielois was the "woman" - wich is something both homophobic and misogynistic.

3) the "yOuR'E sUcH a GIrL" insult that is, again, misogynistic.

4) Not a criticism to the teenage boys this time but to the girls. WHY are y'all sexualizing these gays?? GET A GRIP!!

-Not a criticism, but since we're talking about their teenager boy behavior that Hate got SO RIGHT: the COSTANT sex jokes related conversation they had. It didn't really bother me so its not criticism, its just very hormonal teen boy minded to bring everything back to that? So I wasn't really annoyed at the teenagers for being teenagers u know. I'm just adding it to the list of what I thought Hate got so well in the characterization of teenager boys.

-at some point my best friend lead me to realize that while everyone in school felt the tension between Cielois, no one had the bets running on when/if they would finally get together. Wich still makes me so sad because HATE, you missed on such a romance fanfic trope 😔 /jk

- Me at the start of the stadium arc when Kris starts being interested in...what the frick was his name?? Cameron?? Idk THAT ONE BLONDE DUDE: Oh so we're gonna have a couple of chill chapters where they are just gonna establish their relationships better!

Me, when the reapers are there and we discover about the bomb: W H A T

-Me: DLTD Suddently became Ouran Host Club? For?? Some reason??

My friend: You know what? It doesn't really surprise me. Imo this story will cover every work of literature ever existed before it ends.

-Mi initial dislike for the name Kristopherson. I still don't really like it but I'm used to it ig? Again no hate to Hate!! I just find it such an unnecessarily long name for his parents to give him? Like choose Kristopher, or Kris, why Kristopherson?? Now I know it's bc Kristopher is his father. And in general i understand that Rich People are Like That TM.

Me, while I was describing Kris's journey of self discovery to my best friend: At the beginning of the story, he was just this random bully who called Alois gay...wich i mean, it was true, but he didn't HAVE to be so mean about it...

Gonna cut this into parts so I don't kill my followers who aren't interested in my DLTD thoughts..i would use the read more thing but idk how to activate that?? Also I wrote this for some time now and I need a break lol

[colourful-void]

OKAY I GOT DISTRACTED FOR A BIT BY GETTING IN THE ZONE BUT AITSF UDPATE:

1: finished the komeji and shoma ending! i! okay ill be honestly i wasn't super thrilled. I REALLY like the set up stuff in terms of simulation reality, and beleiving its all fake bcs you can't cope, im MASSIVELY INTO THAT. But. I don't. like. Komeji I'm so sorry his just. he's so cube. and he annoys me. I feel like a usually have a pretty high tolerance for this kinda stuff but I just. On paper i get it but in practice I really dont like him. was very happy to see date n co tho. i think it's RIDICULOUSSSS how they explain date's interest in porn like that did not need to be explained. however. its such a stupid explanation it kinda loops back around to being funny to me. sure. why not.

2: ollowing finishing that route i tried to get back to Tokiko to see if i could use that elevator code, bcs she'd been mentioning frayers and i thought i knew what that was but i did not. but no thats only 6 digits so still not right f=/. dang. i also tried to get onto mizuki's half i miss my baby, but i found i needed two names. i know Dahlia is one, but the other is 4 letters so. Currently its probably either for Mame, Lien, or Naix. I suspect Naix the most as an answer.

3: started onto the other route from komeji's somnium. I maintain that these are too easy. It's not like they're like. the problem is that I feel like i'm being treated like I'm an idiot. ryuki and tama talk everything out in such detail, and theres often not a lot of stuff to interact with at all, a lot of which doesn't even let you make the choices like from the last game. like, proper timie usage was SO important to me last game and in this one I've never even racked up 3. i also feel like there's less dream logic, and it's a little disappointing. like, oh tape the cardboard back together. turn on the tv. =( the whimsy. it did improve some in the back half though, and i'll take it!!!

4: liking this dead komeji route WAY MORE than the other one. its not that i hate him that much but i do like the way the plots moving here. what does mame know? whats the masked womans deal? has anyone seen shoma. WHAT IS WRONGGGG WITH RYUKI <33. what is wrong with ryuki is by far my favourite mystery. im more interested in that than i am in the half body killings honestly. (part of that is teh victims i think. we dont really know jin, chikara was annoying at best but the more i learn about him the more i hate him, komeji was annoying, so. honestly i havent really been that upset about any of them dying. tokiko i did love and i am sad she's gone, but also these murders are a little bland following the first game. i just watched a guys head explode could there at least be a little blood? just a little? i know its probably for plot reasons but ive never missed gore so bad. im not even that into gore.

5: somewhere on the dead komeji route i finally figured out what that little green thing in the menu was so i've activated my tamagotchi thingy!! very fun i love it. mines an iris-y one or something? its cuteee!!

6: in terms of the wider mystery: im just really curious how far they're gonna commit to being meta.they did start with asking ME what i knew about the last game so.... looking forward to ryuki's whole deal, actually getting to play as my darling mizuki again, finding out what is UPP with date. i really like the weird videos series i just think they're neat. if the endgame doesn't have a somnium based on those thigns i will be disappointed, surely thats what we're building to.

i left off right before starting mame's somniumin the gameshow room. i don't think shes' actually involved in the killings, but doing that would be REALLY NEAT as a sequel thing, imo. i'd like it. i think shes just hiding stuff bcs she was threatened. assumably i've still got a good chunk of the game to paly! i havent done much if any of the extra eyeballs either, just whats on the way so. i'll get those guys. have been picking up some costumes n stuff tho. you can put tama <33 in pants <3333333333.

[vhouatroph]

okay, serious post time.

i'm 22, and started playing toontown in 2006. that's 17 years toontown has been in my life so far. toontown has been fundamental to who i am, and my life experiences- i would be an extremely different person if toontown was not part of my life.

toontown is something i can thank for my enjoyment of writing. in 4th grade, one of my first school papers was about how much i loved the game. a little later, i discovered toontown fanfiction. specifically, i discovered "GEARS," by TheEvina. i was enamored by the story, and wanted to write my own.

of course i wasn't actually that great of a writer starting out, but who really is? i just kept at it, and here i am today! i'd like to think i'm at least a half decent writer now :)

toontown youtube was another great discovery i had made when i was young. the random toon show was my absolute favorite youtuber, and i dearly miss him. the "heriotza" movies, inspired by madtoontownreturns's movies, also have a fond place in my heart despite no longer being on youtube, along with several of his oldest songs.

much like with the fanfictions, seeing the cool toontown videos inspired me to make my own. my favorite is probably this one:

again, my videos weren't very good at all! this one was made in windows movie maker, the peak of editing software at the time. but like with everything else, i continued to pursue getting better at videos. in high school we had to choose a track of classes to "prepare us for the real word" and i chose audio/video. even went to college for a/v before they kicked me out bc i couldn't afford it.

i don't think i can really move on from toontown youtube without mentioning joey's old ttmvs. fixing the silly meter is of course the one everyone knows, but he did have a couple others! some of them seem to not be on youtube anymore which makes me kind of sad, but i understand- i did the same with my toontown fanfictions!

to tell you the truth, i can't remember toontown's closure very well. that period of time in general for me is kind of blocked out. don't know why. what i do remember is when toontown rewritten entered semi-open beta and i played the game for the first time again through the playline on june 18th, 2014!

you "beta" believe i was excited- i stayed up until 3am for this! the experience was laggy as hell, and i think at one point loopy lane didn't even have cogs on it. but i was so excited to play toontown again, i didn't even care!

after playing toontown rewritten, i signed up for toonbook. i had been part of the original 2011 toonbook, but i wouldn't be able to say anything about that, as i do not remember it. toonbook was an experience. i met some of my greatest friends on toonbook, and it helped me learn a lot about myself. at the same time, it is a place i do not look back on fondly. i have very complicated feeling about the site.

on october 9 2015, i made Silent, my now main toon. she was royal blue at the time, and became a black cat later that year.

in toontown online, my first toon (skooby) was soundless before i had gotten terminated for hacking. (i was dumb and curious) silent would be the toon to carry on this tradition in toontown rewritten.

as the years continued, i continued to play toontown. even if i took long breaks, i always came back to it, and my friends were there to do activities with me. even if there was nothing big happening, sometimes it was nice to just sit at my estate and play with my doodles.

the night field offices released will live on in my memory as one of the best nights in my entire life. nothing will ever compare to being in a voice chat with my friends the first time we encountered the boiler. i don't really know how else to describe it besides magical. sure we crashed after one round, but another could be tried later!

that night, i completed my first ever field office on toontown rewritten, and it will still live on as one of my favorite experiences in the game ever. i of course continued doing field offices, and still enjoy them immensely. i haven't done a 4 star yet (need to fight 6 18+ cogs 😔) but i hope to some day!

with the most recent toonfest, i am so happy to be a toontown player. everything announced has me extremely excited, and i loved hearing all the backstory on the creation of toontown. this game has been a part of my life for 17 years, and i hope it continues to be part of my life for years to come.

happy 20th birthday, toontown.

[sadhorsegirl]

been more quiet on here for season 2 bc a) im drastically more employed this time around (rip) b) it felt like so much of my opinion of events in this season were going to hinge upon where everything landed in the finale.

tbh i also ended up being p critical of certain elements this season and didn't feel like spoiling anybody's fun while the show was still airing new episodes. a lot of my opinions of this season were shaped by the fact that i started reading the books. i am a firm believer in allowing for necessary changes when making an adaptation and allowing it to evolve into its own thing so it also felt kind of shitty to be like. she (the books) wouldn't say that!!!! lol

anyways lol i've decided to make a little list of things i enjoyed, things i thought were mid, and things i actively disliked this season

LIKED:

a) new mat! i thought his performance was really strong and just about everything they did with him this season made me appropriately sad. bonus points for making his dynamic with min reading like a frat boy and a begrudging grad student going on a bar crawl together as "repayment" for tutoring lol

b) elayne! again i thought ceara coveny did a really good job and i liked how she fit into relationships with the other characters.

c) nynaeve and the liandrin of it all! nynaeve's arc this season was one of the strongest this season imo, and i think using liandrin to discuss the culture of abuse present in the tower was smart.

d) egwene and madeleine madden!! emmy campaign begins now!!! episode 6 was one of my favorite episodes of the season in large part due to her performance. the damane arc is truly harrowing stuff and the entire creative team handled it pretty well

c) moiraine telling lan that he was always her better in the finale!!! insanely unfortunate that this is pretty much my only Moiraine Moment without major qualms this season!!!!!!!!!!!!

d) the forsaken! their business casual swag had me laughing every time. could not stop myself from shouting w at the tv screen when mogehdien showed up at the very end

e) the ef5 reuniting in the finale! im totally fine with how this changes the ending in the books. sure i missed the giant fire battle in the sky but i gained all the besties going squad mode+elayne not introducing herself with her royal title to rand lol

MID:

a) lan and moiraine bestie devastation battle - i didn't outright hate all of this from the start like some people have but i def think this ended up severely fumbled in terms of execution. one of my fav moments in the books so far has been their fight in the second one where she basically says the most upsetting shit possible to upset him to get him to admit that he has found a new connection that could lead to an actual life (aka nynaeve) and he calls her on it but still gets upset and proves her point anyway! would have preferred moiraine went even more jigsaw emotional torture trap this season tbh

b) nynaeve's accepted test - mostly liked, felt like they didn't quite hit the right tone of dread these tests achieve in the books. its not completely a "i dreamed up a family that isn't real and now i have to abandon them" thing for me and more about how they don't understand why you have to leave them and beg you to stay. feel like this could have been more emotionally powerful

c) verin - meera syal obviously a very talented actress and she did grow on me as the season went on but i feel like she was almost TOO charismatic in a way. wanted her to be a little colder/wryer? she could definitely be charming in the books but i always felt like a lot of her power socially came from getting people to underestimate her by acting like a distracted and disconnected weirdo only to go in for the kill. missed this a bit this season

DISLIKED:

a) literally pains me to say it but.....moiraine's arc this season really didn't hit for me...felt kind of unfocused....wished she had been even more brutal in her pursuit....liked the start of her washerwoman era but it didn't really end up liking much of what came after......poor execution of what could have been a really interesting exploration of both her backstory and the way she would have to change the way she operates without the one power.....etc etc

b) cairhien :( could and probably will make a whole separate post about this but the design principles at play here were Not It for me at all. rococo? rococo bro? also don't like the way its political elements and lore were communicated which leads me right to......

c) house damodred/laman. major book spoilers ahead but thought it was a complete misfire to hold off on explaining laman's whole deal and moiraine's connection to it presumably until next season to parallel it with the aiel. cairhien is inherently shaped by the aiel war and moiraine is made a far more compelling character when u learn about her relationship to it thru her family. i thought the switch in birth order was interesting but basically every other change or delay in her backstory was a flop for me. her whole connection to trying to undo the sins of her own family makes her drive to save the world way more interesting!!! was hoping the show would take the time to expand on her relationship with elayne not (at this point seemingly) erase it. are u telling me i don't get galad now? be serious?

d) moiraine and lan's suicide conversation in episode 7. felt awkward and nearly too direct without acknowledging the fact that moiraine's dedication to The Work above all else is in some ways defacto suicidal

c) episode 7

d) siuan :((((((((((((( i get that we didn't have sophie around as much as she needed to be this season bc of contracts to other shows and stuff but man did we mismanage the time we did get with her lads....will prob also make a separate post about this as well but i do want to say that while i think her and moiraine having a major split over what to do with rand could have been interesting i think the execution is really REALLY poor here. think that confrontation would have been more emotionally powerful if they were just appealing to each other and the fourth oath wasn't used. wish people had been gossiping about what she was up to off screen so we had more context for her actions this whole season generally. L's all the way around

e) episode 7. again.

f) thought it was fucked that when lan and moiraine reestablished the bond again neither of them even brought up how he has to share any heartbreak she has over siuan now. another miss for full emotional impact

g) episode 7. AGAIN.

[flockofdoves]

obviously there is no time that is Good or Convenient to have covid and i guess technically its good that this isn't happening to me in the middle of a time where i have more active work or school responsibilities

but also it just feels like Such bad timing in a lot of other ways

i literally Just was recovering after unrelated health problems over the past couple weeks that were making me so so fucking stir crazy i had plans to go out and really start planning my days for the rest of the summer doing things like going to rhode island again and going birding more and going to museums and stuff because i was at my fucking limit with being cooped up in my apartment recovering. but now i just gotta do that all over again for at least another 9 days from today

kinda sad about ending my summer this way. and also i'm gonna have to miss my niece's christening party when i really would like to see her again i've only seen her once since she was born :(

also there are just so so many issues surrounding my lease and roommate situation. my symptoms started on tuesday the 16th which means i should isolate til the 26th (i do not trust the new recommendations saying you can even go to work if you have covid after 5 days i think thats fucking insane and would be irresponsible of me with how extremely symptomatic i am right now)

my current lease ends on the 26th. so so lucky i don't have to move but every single thing about my roommate situation and how shes supposed to move out on the 26th is made so fucking complicated by this

because my roomate is still here the whole time i have to isolate i have to stay entirely in my bedroom outside of wearing a mask to go to the bathroom (and shutting the door and taking it off to shower or brush teeth) or quickly get food to bring to my room

and my girlfriend didnt test positive yesterday but it feels kind of inevitable considering that we sleep in the same room (and cpaps even aerosolize viruses further apparently) so its not like she can even stay in the other room for the time being while periodically checking to see if she's gotten infected

and also i put in repair requests earlier this week for issues with the apartment that preexisted me and my gf moving in but that over the past year i'd been too nervous about having maintenance come in and see how bad things were bc of my roommate until me and my gf deep cleaned last week

but the repair requests were not fulfilled within a few days and then i had to cancel them obviously once i tested positive. and so now that means i cant have maintenance fix anything til after the new lease starts... which means that we're gonna have to pay back my roommate the her entire portion of the security deposit and then pay for the repairs during our new lease for things that happened when she lived here before us...

it also kinda puts a wrench into any hopes i still kinda had of trying to reach out to anyone she knows to try to help her cat

and im sad bc i realized cats can get covid so i shouldnt even really be playing with or petting her cat over the next 10 days :(

also its gonna be so so weird bc ive already doubted that shes actually gonna move out at all and now its even more ambiguous bc like. if she ever communicated with me at all i'd find it very reasonable for her to ask to move out a little later so she doesnt have to deal with that or expose anyone shes potentially bringing to help her move or anything. but like i know shes not actually gonna communicate anything so if the 26th comes and goes and shes still here its gonna feel even weirder than it was gonna originally because i'll feel more unconfident about asserting like. you need to get out of here. when i can find a reason to understand why she'd unexpectedly need to stay a little longer

[khodorkovskaya]

24.12.22

im so excited for christmas! even tho im orthodox so i don't celebrate it now. but my stepdad does so we're gonna cook traditional christmas dinner tonight and it's gonna be lots of fun! also my friend from zurich is here and he suggested to go clubbing tonight and im gonna dress up as santa, im gonna have a beard and everything, it's gonna be great! i hope he's not gonna cancel last minute bc im so hyped for this!!! will post pics to show you guys my costume! 🎅🏻

anyway, yesterday i went shopping with my stepdad for the upcoming christmas dinner and i thought about B quite a lot. bc something is missing from my understanding of the whole situation. explanations such as "it was the age difference" or "you're very different" or "it's his culture" just don't convince me. although sure, many of these factors don't help. (apart for the """cultural difference""" argument bc it comes from my racist father and he can fuck off. like say what you want about B but his ethnicity has nothing to do with any of this.)

so i thought a lot bc it is weird. i was with this dude for 5 and a half years and, as id concluded the other day, i was unhappy all along. was i just so in love for five years that it didn't bother me? why did i stay and not say anything? and if it wasn't love then what was it? why couldn't we make it work for so long, causing me to pack all my belongings and move out all of a sudden without an explanation? so much of it doesn't add up if i think about it. and what's even weirder is that if someone asks me to explain why i left him, i often don't know what to say apart from half-heartedly repeating what everyone around me has been saying like "ohh we weren't compatible". but staying with someone for five and a half years and then moving out is a huge decision. so why can't i explain it, without my explanation not feeling genuine?

i tried to remember how i would feel every time B would do something that frustrated me. my process would be to (1) feel sad/angry/dissatisfied, (2) think about how to tell him about it or attempt to tell him, (3) not find a reason why or a way to explain it and (4) let it go and move on bc, after being unable to find a valuable reason for my frustration, my feelings didn't feel valid. and because this would happen on almost a daily basis, id quickly go through all those 4 steps and move on, never bringing up the things that bothered me.

now, why could i never find a proper way to explain my feelings? i think it all comes down to my superficiality and lack of values. (i don't mean it in a derogatory way. i was a teenager for most of our relationship and due to my lack of life experience, i lacked depth and hadn't had the time to discover my own values. it's all very natural i think.) i had always had difficulty telling right from wrong and forming opinions. and because i function in terms of efficiency, always naturally trying to find my way out of things that require a lot of effort, id never want to put in the effort into digging a little deeper to find the answers. it's much easier to move on and forget, instead of actually going through with trying to understand your feelings. and, when you don't know right from wrong, understanding why you feel a certain way is an even harder task.

B, on the other hand, functions with the carrot and stick method and has issues with empathy. if you don't explicitly tell him what to do and insist on it very harshly, he will continue to do otherwise and not pick up on any possible ques. plus, for most of our relationship, he was in an obsessive episode that i was encouraging by not speaking up. i couldn't tell if his obsession was right or wrong and, again, it was much easier to let it slide than to actively try to find the tools to get him out of it. again, i didn't want to dig deeper and question what was happening bc i never even questioned my superficial approach to life in general.

now the question is, why am i superficial? one of the reasons B thought that our relationship didn't work out is because im hypersensitive. honestly, i believe this hypothesis bc, as B pointed out, i have adhd and it's super common for people with adhd to have sensory processing sensitivity. and plus ive always felt like i perceive everything x100. when i was little i couldn't wait to grow up bc i was a big crier as a kid and i thought it would go away as i got older. but it never went away. i still cry almost every day and often have to hide in the bathroom at social events bc something makes me want to cry lol. hot girlies have SPS, okay? when lana said "pretty when you cry", she was talking about us hypersensitive girlies.

but anyway, isn't it a bit contradictory that im superficial and let everything slide and yet im super sensitive? well, i think it makes a lot of sense. since i experience everything x100, it's hard to tell right from wrong bc it's all just too much. and bc i cry for no reason, when i cry for a reason, i can't tell which situation is more important. hence, i just want to avoid any kind of sensitive situation and that's also why i refuse to dig deeper and have a less superficial understanding of things.

QED ⬛

anyway, the last time i thought this much about myself was when i was like 13 lol. so far ive done 2 days of self analysis and it did help me answer a lot of questions about me and B. and now i feel a bit more at peace. and, sure, now that i reread it all it does come off as a bit cringe at times. like i don't want to come off as if i think im special or anything. and it was just a bad/mediocre relationship and it's not that deep after all. but im glad im finally evolving and thinking and analysing, it helps me grow. merry christmas xoxo 💋

[taegularities]

Ah Rid, you don't have to worry about me truly. I've just been in my feels recently and especially tonight. I hope this little ramble doesn't just pile on bad vibes onto you when you're already feeling down because that's the last thing I want 🥺🥺🥺 But I guess it's better if I don't just let these thoughts fester in my head huh?

It's really not even anything that bad or big, but lately I've just felt quite... lonely irl. Or maybe more like craving deeper human connection? Because I do have people around me that I talk to and hang out with but it doesn't exactly feel enough. And thinking about it more it doesn't even have to be romantic (although that's where my brain went to at first) but just something closer, more intimate and personal.

All of that had me thinking back to the many friendships I've been in in the past years and how the atmosphere in a lot of them was very negative, so that's why I kept changing friend groups a lot. And then I was finally in a place where I had two very close girl friends and everything was so positive and uplifting, it was really nice. We naturally drifted apart and I'm fine with that, I just miss that closeness and positive energy, that connection and feeling of knowing each other so well.

And I was so excited to start uni because I actually love the process of initially getting to know people too, but now I just want something more 😔😔😔

I feel like that's definitely something that I should actively be building up too though so it feels like if it makes me so sad, why aren't I doing something about it yk? That's something I should probably think about more, how to make it happen. I just feel like not only do I want more love to be given to me, but also even more like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to.

That being said I'm grateful for all of the people in my life. And feeling like this recently has made me appreciate everybody I've met online so so so much more than I already was. Everyone here, including you, Rid, makes me feel so so very happy and loved. It's just not easy when one of my main love languages is physical touch and everyone's all over the world and I can't actually hug you lmao.

I reeeeally wasn't sure if I should ramble to you because as I said, I didn't want to add onto your bad feelings, but I don’t think I can really say this to anyone else without feeling silly and I believe in the benefit of letting your feelings out. So thank you as always for listening, Rid. Please don't feel obligated to reply or anything if you don't have the emotional energy, it just feels good to put these thoughts out there.

I truly believe that we'll all be okay very very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs and all of the love in the world 💞💞💞

awh god, bby :((

reading this made me so sad. don't feel bad about it, it just means i care btw! i just hate that so many people have been feeling that way. i honestly get that 100% bc i too have been feeling a lot like this in the past few months.

loneliness sucks. sometimes you want to talk about something, but you don't know with whom. or sometimes, you want to go for lunch or dinner or go see a movie but can't figure out who to ask. i get it... i think there's always a point in life when loneliness strikes hardest, but i think we need to keep in mind that it's not our fault, or at least not always.

like, you said you know you could change it if you just tried, or that you need to push yourself harder. which is good. it's always great to acknowledge what can be done. but, and i always tell that myself too, it's not always easy and that's okay!! don't put yourself down. like, opening up can be fkn hard, especially after this stupid pandemic, so it's genuinely okay if it takes some time, you know? i was excited for uni as well bc i thought i could finally make new friends, but then you enter the room and just... ugh it's hard. ofc we crave intimate relationships of any kind, and yes friendships drift apart, but finding new ones just requires patience i think.

those are all things i tell myself daily. bc otherwise id spiral more lol and yes i'm so so thankful for everyone here, too. i love all my virtual moots and friends and readers and everyone, but it stinks that i can't hug anyone, so yeah ofc we'd want that irl warmth.

it'll happen !! take your time, dive into relationships step by step, doesn't have to happen overnight. there's this jk biased army girl, right? try with her if you'd like, but don't push yourself too hard. be comfortable. and also, never feel bad for venting, bc while i worry, your pain won't add to mine. like, i like to help.. so it's alright, anytime. and yeah, we'll be okay, at least at some point, you're right my love 💕

[portmantaur]

actually tho I wonder if there’s anything to the idea of remembering specific cases of feeling wronged as a minor, particularly within the context of schooling/education, is rooted at least partially in said instance being a formative lesson on your place in capitalism/other relevant power structures.

like, I was probably very much being a little teenage shit when I was like “miss I actually cannot find any reference in this classroom dictionary to the act of fighting under the definition of ‘fardels’ even though that is what you just said it means, but here it just says it’s a bundle carried by donkeys usually” and now as an adult, I even recognize that that was probably a deeply embarrassing moment for her not least of all bc I was pretty good at being the Resident Little Shit in her classroom and it is the bitterest pill to have to be like “oh I guess you’re right” to someone you actively dislike

but her response was “I’ve never heard that definition” which was a mind-blowing level of copout to my teen mind, not least of all bc like. then where even did you get the definition you just gave us. & why does you not knowing/hearing about it make it necessarily incorrect. but also.

I was devastated bc, however misguided I was in my behavior, I was genuinely excited to be an active participant in the evolution of this moment of education. I know so very little about most things, but this was a pretty niche thing I knew about bc of my v odd upbringing and hey, now it’s actually useful instead of Just Weird And Maybe Kinda Sad!

But she was entirely disinterested, and even openly offended. She never heard of it, which despite being a kind-of lie to cover up whatever else she was feeling in that moment, was also part of her way of letting me know that the bigger issue at hand was not even that she might be teaching something non-factual to a group of kids whose families were gonna have to drop a little bundle of money at the end of the year so the students could take a test that might give them access to a small amount of college credit, but that I had in a way violated the prescribed dynamic of Superior/inferior that is innate in the USA school system and ultimately reflective of the Employer/employee mindset that you are intentionally being trained into. it wasn’t just that my possible method of correcting her was disrespectful, it was that my assumption that her knowledge was not always and infallibly superior to my own, regardless of our individual histories and experiences, was somehow disrespectful in and of itself. The problem was that I was Child and she was Adult, and even though we are in a space that is technically defined by words like education and learning, my place was never to question or offer (possibly) better information, it was only to obey and accept.

like the last time I vividly remembered this otherwise possibly insignificant moment of my ancient high school days was while I was working in my 20s and we had a big binder in the back called The Communication Book, where normally the office admin or Drs would leave notices/important info and it was staff’s job to make sure we checked the binder for new info before clocking in and then initial whatever new pages were present to show that we had read it. One day, there was an announcement in the binder that changed a room-prep policy for one vet specifically, and it was in direct contradiction to information we had been given before, which confused me and I wanted to make sure I understood - but everyone was busy bc it was a mid-day shift so I just underlined that part of the announcement and wrote in the margins something to the effect of “so not [previous policy], correct?” and figured someone would answer when they could and I would check back before I clocked out since the vet in question wasn’t even working that day.

Within like, half an hour, in the middle of me prepping files up front for our next batch of patients, it was like the whole back of the clinic exploded and one tech even rushed up to the front to confront me and demanded “did YOU write in the communication book?” and I know I had to have looked like a deer in headlights because his tone would have been equally applicable if he had asked me “did YOU commit the ritual sacrifice we just found in the break room?” He even told me later on our way to the train station after work that he felt bad because he could tell by the look on my face I hadn’t “meant anything by it.”

I was thoroughly reprimanded by the office admin, and was told while I was being written up that the owners of the clinic had been informed and wanted to let me go as a result but the office admin apparently “fought for” me to maintain my position. And I tried to accept everything without complaint or objection bc I was deathly afraid to rock the boat even more and lose my job, especially over something that felt so oddly small and specific. But I was kept up at nights for weeks after this, stunned by how similar the two instances felt. What on earth could I have possibly “meant by” what I did beyond what I communicated directly — what possible nefarious intention could I have had beyond the confirmation I was asking for? Why was I being so thoroughly lectured and even punished for an attempt to make sure I was doing my job?

i realized, a little while after eventually "leaving" that job, that this was probably a case of me missing the apparently obvious fact that "communication book" was a piece of corporate-speak, and not, as i assumed, a word that represented the desire for two-way understanding. i had once again violated my role in a system by not recognizing the fact that, no matter what language was being used to dress it up, my place was only to accept and obey. asking questions, even for the purposes of making sure i was abiding by the rules of my employment, was not permitted, particularly in this format. Essentially, I was punished not for my intention or my desire to participate ‘correctly,’ but because I had failed to understand that my place in a system was not defined by the words used to describe it, but by an unspoken concept of expected deference, and I was -particularly- punished for creating a situation that required people to have to address that concept without somehow framing it so exactly.

which is ultimately doubly bizarre to me bc I heard “because I’m the adult” or “because I’m your parent” as a justification for otherwise unjustifiable behavior SO often as a kid that I feel like in both these instances “because I’m your teacher/boss and I say so” would have been a roughly acceptable explanation in my mind. Like, yeah, I still would have been frustrated, but I probably would have just filed it away in my brain as “one of those weird social cue things I will simply never fundamentally understand so I just have to treat it like a Weird Rule I must memorize”

Although I DO think it’s funny that there was a notice in the binder shortly after this that was a “reminder to all staff” that it is not permissible to write anything but your initials in the communication book, which felt like such a weird way to cope with the realization that you probably just should have labeled the binder something to do with Announcements and moved on.

[performing-personhood]

Look, I'm 38 years old and I dm with my best friend of 21 whole actual years not quite every day but almost

That woman hasn't so much as like-reacted a single goddamned thing I've send her in about a month

For fucks sake what am I even doing, I am too old for this bullshit

My spouse I can talk to and be like, hello idiot I am also a person who lives here can you ask me a fucking question once in a while, because he at least TRIES to be a housespouse while on summer break from teaching. He is very bad at it and I haven't eaten dinner earlier than one hour before bedtime in weeks but at least he fuckin tries.

Not sure I'm willing to expend the same effort for someone who hasn't noticed I am a whole complete person with feelings in months excluding my birthday (and that was just bc she wanted the satisfaction of watching me open what she got me, more than because she missed me.) Not even when I flew out the week before Christmas for her RN graduation apparently for the sole purpose of being a bonus parent.

It makes me really sad that the two people in my life who are supposed to be closest to me, I always have to approach and specifically ask aloud with words for attention and affection.

Is it supposed to be this way? Do neurotypicals have to specifically ask aloud with words every time they want affection? I don't know if I care actually. I just don't think it's supposed to be that way. I think affection and attention should be something that people who love you actively want to give you on a regular basis, not something bequested only once I interrupt your activities to ask for it.

[sapphicgarlic]

hi guyss

its been ages since I have been on here and I kinda miss it a lot, I am way more active on twitter under lioncunt but that's not what I logged in to say

its been a crazy (good and bad) months and I wanted to share a little bit

most importantly, I got off my medication which is crazy good. I have been on them for more than 5 years and I have very young so that's a lot. I started them when I was 14/15 and had been needing them since I was like 12 so getting off them is a huge thing for me. I am very truly happy about it because I truly didn't think about a time where I wouldn't need them. I thought it was going to be permanent especially since I am still living with my mom. its been crazy to see how depressed I was all my life, how sad I was. I haven't been taking my meds for like a year but that was me saying "I dont think I need them anymore" but to have a medical professional say "yeah you good" was crazy. bonkers. its so weird and so gratifying but that the same time I don´t want to come on here like everything is fine.

one of the thing that has made my months crazy is accepting I was abused. accepting that I am still abused. and have been, since birth. its really fucked up because now I truly see how little I was (and my brother too) and how much shit I was put through. that I am still put through. because that's the word. abuse. I always knew things were different but never ever considered it abuse. its a big word especially when its accompanied by child. I was a kid. still am in a lot of ways.

one of to good stuff is that me and my brother are thick as thieves which is something I never saw it happening. I just to be so angry at him. call him hideous names and now, he's the only person who actually supports me at my house. every weekend we go out and do a little brotherly outing, small as eating pizza or going to the farmers market. and its so nice. never thought that would make me as happy as its making me.

idk if I ever updated y'all but me and my ex broke up for good couple of months back. I don´t actively miss her but I have been thinking more theses lasts two weeks (I am over analyzing shit but in the normal sphere of things) about her unfortunately because she's in my class so I have to see her everyday but I low-key love hating her. its so nice. its such a normal thing and I love messing shit up. like I am sorry for her for being a child sometimes but I deserve to act like it ( it has been a while since I have bugged her, I actually only bugged her truly once and I learned my lesson!!!! I thought that bugging her was going to help to make me not hate her but it just added fuel to the fire so I leave her alone and I was having a hard week but yeah its so nice to hate her and call her names in my head. is it healthy? no but there's worse things in my life. the funniest thing that has happen is that I had a presentation on bipolar and she thought I was calling her bipolar through the presentation because my friends came to talk to me bc she was making faces all the time I was speaking so that was fun. in her defense, I used to say she had very bipolar behavior ( I actually forgot about it and only linked the dots after my friend talked to me and was like "she thinks you are talking about her") so yeah sdhfjhsdjfshdjfhsdjfhjsdsdjfhdjfsdhj do I really think she has bipolar? no. does she has a lot of bipolar behavior? definitely but you know, who's to say? I had to hold myself back a lot because I had to urge to send a text in the group we have saying "some people told me there wasn't a lot of happy faces while I was presenting, if anyone has a problem you could have talked to me and presented in my place" but as I said, I learned my lesson and I am staying quiet HUHUAHAUHAUAHUA

about jiji, my dearest, idk yet, going to the doctor again for the first time after the diagnosis and going to run more tests. wish me luck and will update yall again afterwards.

about my mom and her zumbi state, there's a light in the darkness because (dont ask me why or how) we have money to travel and see my family in Portugal next year. its going to make it or break her for good. I truly dont know what I want more. she's not living until I am thirty and I actually dont want it. if it didn't mean I would have more responsibilities, I would want her dead now, for her own good too (I am serious)

[januarymoreau]

alright so I know literally no one cares about this but it’s my social media I’m doing what I want /lh

I’ve been seeing a lot of slander about justin russo on the internet lately and I’m currently hyperfixated on wizards of waverly place so here’s why justin is an awesome character/doesn’t deserve the hate he gets

He’s kind and treats those he loves well. Justin is canonically really good at comforting people. Although he argues with Alex a lot, at the end of the day, he’s also her older brother and genuinely cares about her. When Professor Crumbs threatens to take Alex’s magic away because she doesn’t turn her report card in, Justin says that Crumbs will also have to take his magic away. Justin is ultimately selfless. We see again and again the sacrifices he makes for Alex and I think we mainly see his kindness in that relationship. Despite that, I think he’s also notably kind to Juliet. When he finds out that he made the mistake of reporting Juliet and her parents, he instantly tries to fix it. Not only does he try to fix it, but he puts his job as Monster Hunter in jeopardy for Juliet and her parents - her parents haven’t even been that nice to him. Justin is ultimately selfless and at the end of the day, he sacrifices himself or what he wants for others. When Rosie turns back into a good angel, instead of selfishly continuing to date her and keeping her in the mortal world (which he could have done - she literally offers to stay with him), he gives her up because he realizes the world needs a guardian angel more than he needs a girlfriend. Even though it hurts because he loved her, he gives her up. There’s no “award” for doing this - he won’t move up a level in the wizard competition, he really won’t get any recognition for giving Rosie up. He doesn’t even get any recognition for turning the moral compass back to good. He does it because it’s the right thing to do. Although later I’ll argue that Justin is constantly seeking validation, I also think that the heroic/good things he does are often done with no expectation of being praised for it. He does them because he has a strong sense of morals. He’s also kind to Harper, Zeke, his parents, and even Max, who people rarely ever show kindness to in the show.

He’s in touch with his emotions. When the show starts, Justin is very against anything that will show him as feminine or emotional. In fact, he even says he’s allergic to emotions (or something like that) to cover for the fact that he’s crying over his missing dog. As the show goes on, we see Justin start to embrace and accept his emotions more and to lose touch with his toxic masculinity. I think dating Juliet changed him in a lot of ways (making him more relaxed, etc), and I think one was encouraging him to be more emotional. After Wizards vs. Vampires, Justin is pretty emotional and open about his emotions in the show. He’s even open with talking about them. In the movie, he opens up to Alex about how he feels like Jerry & Theresa wouldn’t love him as much if he were less “perfect,” which brings me to my next point.

At the end of the day, Justin is a sad character. I know it’s a kid’s show but they really do cover a lot of issues so bear w me. I’m hyperfixated and I like to over analyze shows so I’ve thought about this a lot. Justin is the oldest, which means he already deals with pressure to be perfect. Then, add in the fact that his parents are constantly describing him as the “perfect child” and putting him on a pedestal, while pitting the kids against each other as a result of the wizard culture bc of the family competition (I love Jerry & Theresa but they’re not perfect). He’s also a high achiever and we know he puts extreme pressure on himself to do well - they always make a joke about it but it’s actually quite sad. He literally feels poorly about himself when he gets a B and bases his entire self worth on his grades and skills as a wizard. In fact, in the movie he voices doubt about whether or not he’s good at anything other than magic. I have a few things I want to say about all of this. First of all, I think Justin is constantly seeking validation. I think as the oldest and “best” child, he feels the need to be perfect all the time, but he also does many of the things he does because he just wants validation. When Harper decides to run a marathon, Justin does too, and sadly his accomplishment of finishing it is overshadowed by Harper “winning.” I also think Justin feels threatened by the success of others because he thinks it invalidates his. When he opens up to Alex in the movie, he says that he’s jealous of her because it seems like everything comes naturally to her. Justin feels as if his parents loving his siblings takes away from their love from his. It’s irrational, but very real. Which brings me to my next point - Justin has generalized anxiety disorder. It makes sense - the overthinking, the outbursts he has (Alex refers to it as a conniption once) of panic or frustration, the overachieving, etc. As someone who probably has autism, I also think he’s autistic (which would explain his troubles with tone, struggle making friends, obsessions with things like Captain Jim Bob Sherwood and science, being better w robots than people, and so much more).

Ultimately, Justin has a strong moral backbone. Although he’s a stickler for the rules and this oftentimes leads him to do bad things initially, he always does the right thing in the end. For example, when Justin and Alex go to court and Justin duplicates himself to be his lawyer, his lawyer ultimately proves that Justin is guilty; he even says something along the lines of “We’re Justin Russo. We always do what’s moral and just.” Justin has a strong sense of justice (which could also be from being autistic but I could do a whole other post about neurodivergency coding in WOWP and Disney & Nick shows overall bc there’s a ton of coding) and does what he thinks is right, most of the time. Sure, sometimes he does bad things, but he’s also a teenager at the end of the day and he’s highly competitive.

Finally, Justin Russo is super progressive - in fact, he’s probably the most progressive characters of the show. He acknowledges climate change and actively tries to create a solution for it. In fact, for his science fair project he makes a water powered engine, which would reduce carbon emissions. He also wears a shirt at one point that says “Make art not war.” I will admit that his biases against the werewolf he dated were problematic, but he clearly grew from that because he never held any of that against Mason. He’s also into science and is a nerd and although this is a stereotype, most young people who are into science and are nerds are progressive. I’m pretty sure he also is well aware of current events and would probably read the newspaper. Also I myself headcanon Justin as trans and bi (again could make another post about characters in wowp that are queer)

Little note even tho probably no one will see this - this is all just for fun. If you disagree with anything I said, just say it politely hahsh. Also please don’t make fun of me for this WOWP is a huge hyperfixation and comfort thing for me rn and I just wanted to make a silly little post where I analyze one of my comfort characters. Also I kin Justin so pls don’t like hate on him in the comments.

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

Okay screw this, I’m officially in denial about Lancelot dying again so.

Would you be up for writing something where Merlin actually (probably accidentally) manages to bring him back after being a shade? And of course, Lancelot is hating himself (when is he not) for everything that happened, but his friends all just welcome him back bc they aren’t idiots and believe Merlin and Gaius when they tell them it was Morgana.

I honestly don’t even care if it’s a reader insert or if you write it for a ship. Lancelot just deserves so much better, that’s all I care about lol

Lancelot isn't the guy to wish for revenge, but you can bet that everyone around him now is. like it's the final straw for most of them, and hell does it get Arthur closer to it. You can't tell me that the knights are not plotting to kill Morgana most definitely now, working like 8/5 to come up with some strategy, even if they're never going to follow through with it.

okay but now: idk if you wanted romantic headcanons but thats basically all I can do so it's what you're getting lmao

Even more nightmares. Nightmares about how he can't remember what happened, about what he can indeed remember happened. About what happened before too, but rarely. He wakes up drenched in sweat and screaming and he needs grounding. Now he definitely got insomnia, I mean, he did before, but it's worse. So if you're up for it, a lot of midnight talks are happening. And the way that he falls asleep most easily is when you're holding him in your arms, brushing through his hair, perhaps reading to him or telling a fairytale. It doesn't make his nightmares go away, but it makes him fall asleep, and sometimes, just sometimes, he even sleeps through the whole night, and into the morning, until midday.

Sometimes he literally just goes mute. There's times when he can't talk. It can be panic attacks (he gets those too) because of flashbacks, but it can just be him being unable to, like, speak. Honestly I know those times because my brain works that way lol, but for him it's a trauma response, and I mean that's. valid. So he learns sign language!

He does that to distract himself. He does a lot of things to distract himself, especially swordfighting, stuff like that, but also he reads a lot, and he writes letters, and he starts doing all different kinds of activities, hobbies, who knows.

In general, knowing that he's already been dead and got a second chance, he does everything and anything, he tries things, he does what he has always dreamt of. He travels, he visits people that he met on his path way back in the day, he pranks people with Gwaine on his good days, he never misses out on a single chance. He lives life to the fullest, he romanticises it, he says what he wants said and he doesn't care.

okay I know these are very few, but I actually want to leave it at that, because it's both sad and very sweet and I want that to be the last thing here

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[daverygalskisbff]

could we get some allura & lance friendship prompts? i LOVED your other ones btw 💖💖💖💖

HI I'm sorry this took forever I have honestly no idea why bc I adore these two and I ADORE this prompt so my brain should not have shut down the way it did. anywayz to make up for the wait i tried to make this a bit longer than my usual posts :) I hope you like it!

(also, as usual, everything here I came up with myself, and if there's any similarity to someone elses post I apologise and promise it wasn't intentional)

now without further ado,

Lance and Allura!

similar to lance and pidge, the two are decidedly Not close in the beginning 

i had an entire thing about how i imagine they became friends at first written out, but it was a tad too long and i didn't want to clog up the post with too much exposition. so instead, let's just skip forward and get into their dynamic after they become buddies :) (however, if anyone wants to see the backstory I would not be opposed) 

although he no longer has a crush on her, lance makes it a point to hype her up as much as he possibly can 

at first allura was confused, because she thought it was him trying to flirt with her still, but once she understood what was going on she was more than willing to join in 

lance when allura completely destroys the training droid: WOWZA ladies and gentlemen of the jury may I present to you the icon the legend the moment herself her royal highness princess allura of altea!!!!! if you thought that was impressive just WAIT till she gets warmed up because this is just the beginning!!! she can even do it in heels- 

shiro: lance, please focus, this is really important that we- 

allura: no no, shiro, please. let him finish. 

they both show their friendship in slightly different ways. lance's way is that he is physically incapable of not humouring the princess

allura when lance shows her his cartwheel: incredible!!!!!!! i have never been more impressed in my life!!! do you think you could do it in heels?? 

lance: uhhh. y'know princess I'm really loving the faith, but- 

allura: :)? 

lance:.... what if you don't have my size? 

lance fractured his ankle. allura has yet to stop apologising. 

allura's way is definitely safer, but it's also a lot more... cluttered. to say the least.

allura, returning from a recon mission with a tiny bag filled with what looks like tiny, glittery dinosaur figurines made of glass: lance! look at what i bought for you! 

lance, taking one look at the contents of the bag: wow, 'lurra, this is… so nice of you

allura: lance, are you. are you crying? 

lance (definitely crying): what? NO! of course not!! I'm just. allergic, to. uh. oxygen. 

allura: what. 

allura never had any siblings back on altea, but she always wanted them

this, paired with how much lance misses his own family, means that the two of them kind of gravitate towards each other in terms of siblinghood. 

as a child allura would imagine what it would be like to have siblings, but especially a twin. she would fall asleep to dreams of secret handshakes, finishing each other's sentences, and swapping places to trick people

she doesn't realise the brother she has found in lance until a long time after they've become close (how would she recognise a dynamic she has never been privy to?) 

this realisation happens on just a random day in the castleship lounge. she is talking to hunk, when suddenly lance, who she didn't even realise was listening to their conversation, butts in and finishes her sentence. 

she's annoyed at being interrupted at first, but then what happened sinks in, and suddenly she's fighting off tears. lance doesn't know why she's crying, but he hugs her anyway. 

the two of them match accessories a lot 

with allura's love of pretty things (and the abundance of stuff in her closet) paired with lance's natural dramatics, nobody else on the team is entirely sure of whether this is intentional or not. 

it started off as intentional. it is now second nature. 

one decision, however, was completely planned and thought out for exactly twenty minutes, and then deeply regretted by both parties for the next 48 hours

allura pierced lance's ears 

now before you get judgemental, you try making a smart decision at two am space-time while very giddy and slightly buzzing on some weird old alien candy that not even your resident alien is sure the ingredients of. then talk to me. 

pidge: okay so you're gonna need a needle, ice, and… yeah I'm pretty sure that's it 

lance: don't we need a potato too

pidge: … why the fuck would you need a potato 

lance: I dunno!!! my sister pierced her friend's ears one time and she mentioned a potato!!! I'm just trying to make sure everything goes well, pidge! 

allura: I love these earth customs you two are showing me!! when I got my ears pierced it was done with some kind of laser, but your way sounds much more fun :). 

allura: also, what is a "potato" and where can we find one? 

it goes about as well as you would expect 

the excited buzz on lance lasts about three ticks into the process, and then the screaming starts

pidge (the genius who came up with the idea) gives him some altean taffy to chew on to stop him from making too much noise, and allura, the angel, is babbling right along with him 

allura, with tears in her eyes: how was I supposed to know it was going to hurt mine didn't hurt well it was 10,000 years ago and I was very young altean children don't have very strong pain receptors you know, maybe that's why my parents had it done at that age, or maybe your people are just completely barbaric, who thought this would be a good idea?? pidge why did you suggest this poor lonce is in tears lonce I'm so sorry but if it's any consolation at all at least now your ears won't be nearly as hideous as before and you can borrow as many of my earrings as you want except for the sparkly green ones that dangle those are my favourite well they're actually my second favourite I'm wearing my favourite - you can't borrow those either, by the way, but you can have any of the others I promise 

lance, also crying and still chewing the altean taffy: hhb, llura yub domf hoff do bologuys, ss long'ss yub sanstsd thu niddle frst 

allura (who did not remember to sanitize the needle), now crying freely: I don't understand what you're saying 

(pidge records the entire thing)

the next day lance wakes up with ears that are very sore and slightly green, and allura faints

they spend the entire morning avoiding shiro in case they get in trouble and trying to figure out how to get the healing pods to work

lance: what do you mean you don't know allura you literally lived in one of these 

allura: I was asleep the whole time!!! don't put this on me!! 

lance: don't put- you are the one that pierced my ears, allura, of course it's on you!

coran, who has been watching this entire interaction in silence: oh, I thought i noticed something different about you, number three! 

lance and allura: [screaming] 

coran helps them set up the healing pod 

unfortunately lance has to take the earrings out, so the holes close back up, but fortunately coran just so happens to know how to pierce ears the correct way that they did on altea 

lance, after half a day in the healing pod, watching coran advance upon him with a literal handheld flamethrower that shoots lasers: is it too late to go back to the ear infection 

coran is surprisingly very adept at the skill of altean beautification (an activity that has a surprisingly long and rich backstory, which lance and allura get an in-depth lesson on for the hour that it takes to do lance's ears properly) 

they're exhausted afterwards, but lance looks great, so they're in good moods regardless 

they like to teach each other about things from their respective planets - both for fun, and because it helps them feel less homesick 

whenever allura is particularly down about the loss of altea, lance will visit her in her room, and the two of them will just lie together on her bed. 

they don't say much, most of the time, just link their pinkies together and stare at the ceiling 

when they do talk, it's quiet, and always allura who starts it - she might share something she remembers about altea, and lance listens quietly and then responds with something he misses about cuba 

it isn't always sad tho - sometimes they just talk about things they remember that pop into their heads, or explain things to each other that they wouldn't otherwise know 

at the space mall, they make a game out of pointing things out to each other and trying to guess what it is (allura can only guess when they're in the earth shop, but it's okay because she more than makes up for it in enthusiasm) 

lance, holding a my little pony collectible: okay princess. what is this.

allura, completely serious: a weapon

lance: ... close

allura, holding up a set of magnetic heart necklaces to the light: what does… "biffs" mean? 

lance: it's "bffs," princess, it means "best friends forever" 

allura: oh! you mean like me and you? 

lance: 

lance: 'lurra what did we say about making me cry in public, we've talked about this- 

(they buy the necklaces. obviously.)

they mess with each other's hair a lot

once allura learns that lance's hair is naturally curly, and that he just straightens it all of the time, she makes it her god-given mission to convince him to wear it naturally more often

this mission includes plans such as stealing his hair straightener, "donating" a bunch of curly hair products to him because she "doesn't have the space", and getting keith to say he thinks curly hair is cool one day in the rec room

she still thinks it's the funniest thing ever that that actually worked

other than week-long sabotage plots, they both think it's fun to have lance braid allura's hair

he used to braid his sister's and niece's hairs all of the time, so he has a knack for it that allura did not expect at all but is obsessed with anyway

allura, coming to lance's room a few hours before another diplomatic party: hey..... how yall doin.....

lance, already prepared with a million different brushes and bands: oh my god just get in already

lance and allura have a lot in common 

one of these things, they learn very early into their relationship, is that they are both disasters when it comes to pretty girls (and boys, but that's a lance-exclusive situation)

so they become each other's wingmen

they both tend to get… a little too into it 

the team: [at a diplomatic ball]

lance, seeing a pretty alien girl looking allura's way and "politely" speedwalking over to her: alluralluraalluraalluraalluralluraalluraalluraalluralluraalluraallura pretty girl look over there eleven o'clock LOOK she's gonna walk away looklooklook

allura: lance darling thank you so much for your help but I am in the middle of talking to the president 

and alternatively: 

allura tries to set lance and keith up all the time. at first she was worried she would be overstepping boundaries, but after one particular sleepover where lance spent an entire hour lamenting his "bad luck" she decided to take things into her own hands 

this includes, but is not limited to; sending them on supply missions alone together (often), mentioning particular things lance has done to his appearance to keith every time she can, and talking about specific paladin bonds more than she maybe should 

lance hates it

keith, walking into the lounge: h-

allura, immediately: hello keith!! help settle an argument, will you :)? 

keith: um… okay 

allura: lovely! now, tell me, do you think lance looks cuter today than he did yesterday? we can't seem to agree on whether or by he's stunning or simply handsome. what do you think? 

keith: uh-

allura: oh, and while I have you, have you noticed that his ears are pierced? 

lance, beet red: allu-

allura: what :(?? can't i be proud of my handiwork?? 

lance, to keith: I am not associated with her

after a week of this keith literally sets up a system where if allura is in a room he walks into he just does a complete 180 and walks back out

one time, at a diplomatic meeting, an alien politician mistook them for a couple and they both choked on their drinks at the same time, and then got offended that the other one agreed that the concept was insane 

allura: what happened to being the princess of your dreams, lance?? I thought I MEANT something to you. obviously! i was wrong! 

lance: oh yeah?? then why did you GIGGLE, allura. what's so funny, huh?? my good looks??? my charming charisma?? how far out of your league I am??? 

allura: 

lance: okay maybe that last one was a bit of a stretch 

another thing lance and allura do is pronounce each other's names wrong

they call each other lonce and allora 

it started as lance kind of making fun of allura's accent, but turned into just one of their Things 

allura honestly didn't know it was a bit until the habit had been long constructed