#but it still is upsetting I guess? because I’ve worked so hard on being comfortable putting myself out there and trying my hardest to be

[originallandlockedmariner]

I’m nothing special.

I’m just flawed and weak as the next person. I let my emotions get the best of me at times. I’m not perfect. I read old messages looking for clues. I listen to old playlists of sad songs when I’m sad. I swear too much. Drink too much. I can be selfish and impatient. I’m a sarcastic asshole for alarmingly long periods of the day. I regret choices I’ve made, words I’ve said in anger, people I’ve let down. I’m no role model. Wow, there’s an understatement. But every day I own my shit. I’m accountable and humble. Every day, I try to just be a little bit better than yesterday. Becoming who you are is a life long journey, baby step after setback after stumble after lesson learned. Forever forward. Green and growing as they say.

I wake up and look at those four framed sentences. “Be impeccable with your word. Don’t take anything personally. Don’t make assumptions. Always do your best.” Simple and yet powerful.

Every day, I’m trying to see things differently. Gain perspective. Embrace not taking every single thing personally. Getting cut off in traffic, not personal. Waiting forever in line for coffee, not personal. It is an uphill climb getting comfortable with the concept that nothing others’ do is directly because of you or to upset you. People do what they do because of themselves. That’s it. Even when they treat you awfully or take you for granted, it has more to do with what’s going on with them than you. *insert lecture about Attribution Error.

As for assumptions, I kinda have a PhD in that field. Never met a situation, never had a conversation, never waited for a text, that I couldn’t attach an assumption to. Assumptions are generally born from misunderstanding and a fear of asking questions. Fear of what might be said. We lack courage to inquire so instead we stand back and fill the void with the worst. Draw from our past pain and create a narrative. I’m trying to break that cycle. Ask more questions. Communicate. Be clear and upfront. I can no longer assume others know what I mean or want and then get upset when they don’t act accordingly. It’s unfair to them and only serves to hurt me in the process.

I’m making integrity part of my daily practice. Speaking with integrity. Actions with integrity. And above all, avoiding the trappings of believing my own landslide of bullshit, being my own worst enemy, and justifying every blunder. Be better. Sidestep gossip and small talk. Apologize when you hurt someone. Accept that you’ll be wrong sometimes. Or in my case, a lot. Do what you say you’ll do. Character isn’t built upon what you said you’d do, but what you rolled up your sleeves and actually did.

As for always doing my best, I’m still figuring out what that animal looks like. I strive to be helpful, but sometimes when you’re always available, they take you for granted, not because they are selfish or unkind, but because they think you’ll always stay. Let them miss you for a while. This goes against everything I am but makes sense. I’ve also learned that there is no shame in being broken and anxious and sad. Be whatever you are right now. No need to make excuses or try to minimize the hurt, deny the confusion. You cannot learn about yourself if at first you aren’t frustrated and confused, the hard questions are born from this. You cannot heal without first being damaged. So be broken and anxious and sad. Cope however you need to; as long as you need to, for there is no instruction manual for this, we all make it up as we go along. Day by day and more often, minute by minute. So as for my best, I guess it is just knowing that when I put my head on the pillow, I gave all that I could, was kinder than I needed to be, inspired a few, and made sure the garage door is closed.

I’m nothing special. But I didn’t lose my shit on the drive into work, didn’t assume sporadic texts were anything but a busy day, and a couple people told me that they are grateful for me - so I’m gonna just go ahead and chalk today up as a win.

@originallandlockedmariner

[thatanimewriter]

KEEPER.

➳ synopsis: you were put up for adoption the day you were born, and though you don’t exactly hate your life, you can’t help but think ‘if a day old baby isn’t enough to keep, what is?’

➳ character/s: sebastian michaelis, grell sutcliffe, joker, gregory violet

➳ warnings: swearing, mentions of abortion (sebastian), hurt/comfort, they/them pronouns for grell because i am not getting into the ‘man or woman’ argument again-

➳ notes: this is by far the most vent-y thing i’ve ever written thus far because i am LITERALLY in the same position as the reader in this. same ‘backstory’ same thoughts SO THIS IS JUST ME EXPELLING FEELINGS I PROMISE I’M OK ._. 

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 / 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭  / 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬 / 𝐰𝐢𝐩 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

── 𝐒𝐄𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐒.

he probably noticed you had insecurities very fast

didn’t know what over though

he thought about snooping around to figure it out

it was the constant scanning of a room and impeccable perception of body language for him

it felt like you were constantly ready for something to go wrong

and you HAD to be there to comfort and support every time someone was upset

didn’t find out about anything for a while until it was mother’s day and you hid for a little bit of the day

sebastian also probably snooped in your desk and found some letters with vent-y things written in them

things like maybe your parents should’ve gotten an abortion

you don’t understand why anyone would ever love you because the people who were supposed to love you ended up giving you away

nothing you do is ever good enough

now that he knows the reason behind some weird behaviour, there’s a lot more understanding 

he’ll put more effort into making you feel better about simply existing

and lots of praise to let you know you’re doing good and that you’re enough

but he doesn’t miss the expression you make when he tells you these things

he knows you still don’t believe him

it’s ok, he’ll just have to make you believe him eventually :))

── 𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐒𝐔𝐓𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐅𝐄.

dotes on you all the time

because of that, they probably don’t realise you still have problems with being loved

they love you so much, what do you mean you think they’re lying??

they picked up on it the first time they told you they love you and reasons they love you

because you looked REALLY uncomfortable

n they were like “omg did i say something wrong-”

no, it’s just that you think you’re incapable of being loved, grell didn’t do anything wrong

when you first told them that was the reason

AUDIBLE GASP

and a big therapy session with our icon

they probably cried when you said you don’t think you’ll ever be enough for anyone or anything

would like to try to help you, but they have no clue how to get you to think otherwise

so i guess you just need to get used to them being your partner

because they’re not gonna abandon you (even if you were as a baby) and they love you to the moon and back >:((

grell still cries to themselves when they think about how little trust you have in people caring for you

will now probably kill whoever decides to tell you that no one loves you because you’re adopted

death scythe to the neck, baby

── 𝐉𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐑.

would understand you the most, but not fully

he’s still adopted in a way, so he understands the trauma behind it

but he’ll still ask you about it to understand

he likely already knew about your backstory, but he didn’t realise how much being orphaned at day one really took a toll on you

it was a lot of frankly overwhelming offers to help that made him suspicious

because he doesn’t think anyone else has offered help so much even when they probably can’t afford to do so

notices that you work yourself so hard to the point of fainting and is super concerned

when he asked about it and you said you feel like a waste of space if you’re not being productive, he’s a very sad boy

very set on letting you recognise that you don’t need to be ‘of use’ for people to want to be around you and be friends with you

but he will start helping you as well to make you see that he isn’t trying to take advantage of your kindness

you can have nice late night therapy sessions with him if you ever want to talk about things

like how you do things to trick yourself into thinking you’re being productive like playing a little puzzle game they have in the circus

he for sure understands the part where you have both attachment and abandonment issues

you meet new people and it’s like a honeymoon phase

and then quickly you start overthinking if you’re being annoying or if they hate you about a week later

he’s always there to cheer you up when that happens

lots of words of affirmation, even if you struggle to accept them

── 𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐆𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐓.

he’s so eccentric that oddly enough

i think he’d be the best at actually taking in and interpreting the information

in an artistic way, of course :))

but he always wanted to use you as a model for his paintings and sketches

and he started thinking there was something you hadn’t told him about you

because you seemed to change personalities and deflect compliments ALL THE TIME

he figured out the extent of your trauma after he said

“you are loved, and you are wanted.”

and you burst into tears 

he panicked at first, worried that he upset you, but he was happy to know you cried because you could finally believe someone when they said it

maybe it’s because he doesn’t often throw those statements out there

he makes more arty pieces inspired by you and how you feel about certain things

like your different ‘personalities’ that he sees, just differences in vibe and slight changes in body language when you want to come off as a certain way

he’s very happy that you believe him though, because he realises how hard it is for you to depend on anyone else

and how little trust you have in others that they won’t use you or abandon you

has drawn you like a porcelain doll before with cracks in the body because it’s still beautiful even if you’re ‘broken’

and writes you little notes or poems daily

[wolfofcelestia]

X: They think I would suit her best...

R: Wrong! If I had to be reminded of Zayne being the default winner, you have to be reminded too. You’re second best after him. Only because 4.5% of the voters misclicked, yeah?

X: So you're saying that many people just happened to have their fingers slip on this specific poll?

R: I know right?? I would have had 20% more votes if there wasn't a dead man in the running...

C, offscreen: She barely even talks to you. Why are you so upset?

R: It’s like I can still hear his voice.

C: I’m not dead!!

R: At least I wasn't the one who got 10%. I’d crawl into a hole and live there like a hermit crab for a week if I lost that badly.

X: …Where is he anyway?

S: If you keep running from me, I'll keep chasing you.

MC: Just because I ignored your text for five minutes doesn't mean I'm running from you.

S: Just stay here with me so we can talk face to face. I've seen the way you look at me when I'm close to you.

MC: It's hard not to look at you when you're always up in my face. Your breath stinks btw.

S: Don't lie, sweetie. It's gin fizz with a spritz of lime. I can make you one if you like. Or would you rather taste it on my tongue?

MC: Ugh, at this point, I do need a drink...

Thanks for voting, everyone! I do agree with the majority that my MC would look like she was dating Xavier if Zayne wasn’t in the picture. They both have a lowkey comfy style and an affinity with stars and space. But them being so similar and yet not together is also part of my MC lore so I guess it works out lol

I’ve never really thought about my MC with Raf or Caleb but I think between the two, my MC would be more comfortable with Caleb because of their childhood friendship. I feel like Raf and my MC would just constantly be bickering lol

Sylus has a whole lore with my MC so I guess he’s a special case. Also this dynamic is also a thing lol

Anyway, here’s Zayne taking his girl back lol

Z: Did you have fun? It's time to go home now.

[herejusttosufferalong]

Alright, I’ve been an Italy truther for a long time, but I’ve had to readjust my thinking after the live tonight. I am now pretty firm in the fact that they were together in some capacity by the beginning of 2023 (if not a little earlier). There are too many things lining up that don’t point anywhere else. I think L was fully in, but N kept things more at an arms length. She has said she’s cynical about love and honestly I think she was also probably scared by the magnitude of it. My guess is she hid behind her busy schedule filming both Bridgerton and Big Mood and L starting TSOTs as an excuse to keep things more casual. Honestly, I think L getting on Raya and his HBS is more reactionary to this than anything else. It seems like a big game of chicken that went horribly wrong on both sides. N wanted to keep things more casual and al tried to call her bluff.

I think the final straw for a was the Emily Bear incident. She was in too deep and had a glimpse at the negativity and how all of this could hurt their careers which seems like an absolute deal breaker to her. It was also just a smack in the face even though she wouldn’t commit herself. The play is the last time they saw each other before they parted ways. They made sure to do it as friends so as not to affect their working partnership and because they both really love each other.

L was devastated and just dove headfirst into HBS and quickly after him and N parted ways, he met A. She was fun and easy and fit in with his friends. And, maybe most importantly, was the complete opposite of N. He kept it mostly to himself and when him and N checked in and chatted, he never told her he had met one person, just that he was dating. Then the NYE kiss he never intended to get out was broadcast everywhere. This kind of picks up where I originally had thought which is that the early tour weirdness was based on this.

I think what we say Valentines Day on was N and L back together and on a good page thinking they could go forward as friends. They thought they’d found their equilibrium. They were wrong. Bowral showed them how wrong they were. Everything came rushing back once they were out traveling together and spending so much time. L might’ve been upset that N was trying so hard to act like everything was totally fine. I think the Italy convo was more a hashing out of what N was really feeling in 2023 vs what she had previously communicated. Hence why we get them progressively getting loved up and happy the remainder of the tour. I think post Brazil, L and A had a talk that he was still mulling over the rest of the tour.

In Galway, post premiere, when he may or may not have stayed the weekend with her and her family, they had a convo and L told N he was in a relationship with A and he needed to see that through. My guess this was fueled partly by guilt towards A, partly him having real feelings for A (not like he has for N though) and partly cause he was rejected by N previously and was still hurt and also a little reluctant to go down that road again knowing how devastated he was the first time.

N being the strong, badass that she is took it in stride even though she was totally heartbroken. She started to harden her heart back up which is why we see her reacting a little less to L (or trying at times) when they were back in London. I think they both were emotional for different reasons at the London premiere, but they still found comfort in each other cause no matter what, the absolutely love each other and again reaffirmed they will stay friends no matter what.

N has totally softened and begun to believe in love because of L (😭), but totally understands where he is at which is why she has supported him even in light of pap gate. She’s heartbroken, but hopeful in a way she never had been before.

Cut to the video JVN posted of her signing along to T Swift’s Enchanted…

🎶please don’t be in love with someone else…

There is a lot to consider here anon

Thank you for sharing 💜

Also adding in your follow up ask below 👇

“I just sent in an essay length ask about previously being an Italy truther, but I wanted to add something….I’ve always thought it was weird that L brought A to some stops at the beginning (Jan/feb) of the press tour and I think if he was feeling insecure about his relationship with N, it would make total sense for him to bring her as a safety blanket. I’m not saying he’s madly in love or anything, but I think she’s easy. If he was stressed about his dynamic with N, then having an excuse to retreat to something/someone simple would be nice. I think that’s also part of why we maybe didn’t see her later in the tour. Yes, they were busy, but he didn’t need her or want her there anymore.”

[ladydeznutz]

Luigi & an S/O with a loud/”ugly” laugh

He met you when the mayor asked the brothers to help with damages, with pay of course. Simply put, almost an entire block was ruined after Bowser’s attack.

He and Mario were exhausted, anticipating finally getting to the last house of the day as they got their tools. As expected, the front porch was a mess, with windows broken or completely shattered, but...that's not what they were there for.

A large portion of the first floor was flooded, which seemed to be because of a pipe that fell through a window; in the distance, water flowed over the edges of the second-floor balcony, creating a form of a waterfall. The brothers exchanged looks with one another before setting to work on fixing the damage.

Luigi sighed deeply as he made his way upstairs, taking care not to slip on the wet tiles.

  At least the house wasn't on fire...

  He followed the trail of water to a bedroom door and found that it was slightly open. Curious, Luigi peered inside, only to jump back with a quiet yelp. There was someone sitting inside, their eyes closed and hands resting atop their knees. There wasn't supposed to be anyone here while they worked, considering everyone had evacuated from the area.

The figure stirred and opened their eyes as they heard Luigi's soft footsteps enter, staring straight ahead at him. Luigi swallowed thickly, their eyes were red and puffy; clearly crying,

  "O-Oh! I'm sorry, I-I didn't know you were already here."

"I didn't mean to intrude-"

  Not knowing what else to do, Luigi approached you, sitting down beside you. "Are...Are you okay?" He asked you, placing a gentle hand over your trembling shoulder.

The reason why you were crying? You had just recently moved in, and the stress of moving somewhere new for the first time AND suddenly having that home destroyed? Well, it was all too much.

Safe to say that after you both talked, you'd end up seeing each other a lot more.

Pre-Relationship:

- After he made sure you were alright, Luigi offered to show you around when he wasn't busy.

- To make you comfortable of course

- Mario teasing him when he gets your number

- "Ol' Lou got himself a date, eh?"

- Takes you to all his favorite places and the "must see" sites/attractions

- After getting to know you better, he starts getting a small crush (how it always starts with everyone)

- Doesn't even realize he likes you until his brother starts making suggestive remarks

- Denial

- Thinks his crush is just one of those things that will go away if he ignores it/doesn't act on it (It doesn't)

-  Until he realizes that trying too hard to NOT think about you both together, ends up being all he fantasies about

- When he hears your laugh for the first time?

- Instant infatuation

Dating:

- For sure tries to make you laugh all of the time

- "Ugly" laughs are so infectious, i love em

- Therefore, every time you laugh, so does he

- You could literally be laughing at something he doesn't find funny, but he'll laugh anyways

- Believes that once you laugh you can instantly brighten anyone's day

- You always brighten his

- When you get separated at a party or something, fills his soul when he can hear you laughing at something

- One of his uncle's made a comment about your laugh once

- His heart practically stops at seeing you deflate

- Refuses to eat for the rest of dinner and insists that you both go to your place

-  Is still worried about you after the whole ordeal

-  Tries to distract you with conversation and jokes

- His jokes always work

- Comedy movies are always your go to when he’s upset

- Take a guess why

This could’ve been better. I’ve never done hc’s before lol. I tried including more instances where you laugh, but I couldn’t think of anymore.

[lkhaitsu]

“ Serendipity ”

“Kenma, do you know what serendipity means?”

“No. What is that?”

“Well, you’re my serendipity.”

“What does it mean?”

“It’s a secret.”

(past)

He was quiet, an outcast. Nobody really spoke to him in class besides that rooster haired kid who was a year older. It was like he was in his own world, he didn’t bother anyone and nobody bothered him. Like the hard worker you were, you always stayed afterschool to help with paperwork, cleaning duties, you name it. Unfortunately for you, you had the misfortune of having to clean with the pudding haired boy. It’s so awkward when he’s around. You’ve never heard his voice.

“Are you not gonna say anything?”

He looked up at you like you were insane. He tilted his head to the side in confusion trying to figure out what you were talking about.

“You’re so quiet it’s driving me crazy! Why don’t you ever speak? Are you a loner?”

…

“No… I’m not a loner, I’d just prefer being alone.”

He actually spoke. Out of the six months you’ve been his classmate, this was the first time you’d actually hear the boy speak.

“That’s what being a loner is..”

“I have friends.. They never leave me alone even though i’d rather be alone.”

“But why? Having the right people by your side can really help.”

“Yeah but.. It’s a hassle.”

“Huh? What do you mean?” You sat down in one of the chairs waiting for him to explain what he meant by “friendship was a hassle.”

“I mean, with friendship comes trust issues, and that’s tiring. Having to constantly comfort someone because they’re upset or, someone trying to pry into your private life. I’d rather be alone.”

“Oh I see. You really are a loner aren’t you?”

“.. I guess so..”

“Well my name is [Y/N]. It’s nice we get to talk like this Kozume.”

“Just call me Kenma please.”

“Oh, okay..”

“But yeah, you’re okay too I guess.”

“I know you said having a friend is a pain but, don’t you wanna be friends with me? Cmon…!!!”

“You’re making it sound like I have absolutely zero friends, I do have friends. Annoying ones..”

“So what do ya say? Wanna be my friend?”

“No way.”

“Huh?! Why not?!”

“I see you in class. Everyone always wants to hang out with you, you’re a cool person, you also work hard constantly. I can’t keep up with that.”

“Is that praise? I can’t tell.. so will you be my friend?”

“Still no.”

“Come on! I’m cool, I promise!”

“Fine.”

(present)

As you got to know the boy known as Kenma Kozume, your opinion of him drastically changed. At first he was the weird kid in your class but now, he’s Kenma, your fiancé.

“What are you doing?” Kenma pulls your cheeks as he catches you dozing off.”

“Owe! I was just reminiscing about the past. So mean to me. Things will never change I suppose.”

“Well, if you’re fine with marrying someone like me, then.. I suppose so..”

“Kenma, I’ve told you this a while ago and I’ll say it again. You’re my serendipity.”

“What does that mean? You still never told me.”

“Ehe, it’s a secret.” <3

[groovygladiatorsheep]

Ohhhhhhhhh really like your humanizations of Ink and Error!! Do you have any headcanons about their etchnicity? Or headcanons in general

Thank you so much !!! As for Headcanons, I’ve had some in the past but they changed a bit with time.. hcs for these humanized twos on my side currently are - French-Filipino for Ink and Afro-American for Error !! I hope this is what you meant 😭

As for general Headcanons ? I do !!

What I like to imagine is how the whole multiverse works and functions together.

Ink is the protector of aus, I imagine his reputations wildly varies from aus to multiverses, especially after the whole utmv event reputation. In my head, joining the star Sanses was a way to continue to do his job while staying on the good guys sides, you know ?

I see Ink as genuinely a guy doing his best. He needs the creators creations to be alive and to thrive to exist. Upsetting the creators by not letting them do angst ?? No sir. In his head, he’s simply letting characters be characters. He’s aware of the situation he’s in, of the string he’s holding onto ( the emotions and life given to him by the creators. It always comes back to them. )

He shouldn’t have been able to survive ripping his soul apart. He’s a miracle in himself ! But does he sees himself as that ?

Ink being unable to power through life without his vials means so much to me. They’re like the only thing allowing him to exist in his world, without them he’s physically not there. He needs them, and guess what Joku’s Dream ( because fanon Dream is much different ) thought of that ? That Ink is faking his emotions and he’s obviously evil if he can’t feel a thing.

How DAREEEm !!!! It’s so much more than that !!!! Ink’s vials allows him to feel the way he CANT feel, they allows him to show what he would WANT you to show !!!! He’s trying !!!!

Basically, Ink’s vials are a way for him to be able to fuel himself, a side important effect is that the difference flavours allows him to reflects emotions he could have had. Despite that, he still sucks at stuff that requires understanding social cues..

The flavours/different emotions can be hard to get since they come from how the creations were created. With tears ? Happiness ? Anger ? Envy ? That’s where he gets them. I’d imagine he learned to mix them when he needs one in particular !

I’d also imagine his memory makes him lose space and times. My bad memories does !! If he doesn’t have something in mind ? It doesn’t exist, nah. That’s why he notes stuff on the scarf because at least he knows he wears it all the time.

I really love the hc Ink has synesthesia, go check out @sunnemona for deepening information of that hc actually

As for Error !!!!

Error has always been the guy I’ve drawn more than thought about, but I do have so much thoughts on him too.

I see Error as an anomaly. Ink is a miracle ? Error was a mistake. He was not an happy accident held by strings, he’s a mistake that holds itself together by said strings.

His role in the multiverse is pretty interesting !!! He’s that menace everyone except the big guys fears. He destroys aus amongst aus, citizens of the multiverse have rarely seen his face except before their death, he’s a menace, not a balance, not a secret saviour, a machine that had a goal and keeps doing it without even understanding what he’s doing it.

I see it as this : Error goal and motivation , like other errors, was formed the day of his death and birth, the time right before Geno got errorified.

“Why didn’t I get an happy ending ?”

Feelings of hatred turned into a misinterpretation of the people surrounding his lost white space, and there it was : “everyone is a glitch !! They should all die !!!!!”

Aside from that, I Headcanon him to have a nest, a bit like spiders. His souls are his victims stuck on the web, and the strings surrounds his entire little home. Sofa for comfort, etc etc.

He’s very similar to spiders, actually.

[thelampisaflashlight]

Not Forever, Just For Now

[A bit of a drabble featuring Dew and Cirrus having a bit of an emotional conversation, because we’re still on the grief/angst train atm. Does this count as hurt/comfort? I’m not sure.]

“I don’t know.” Cirrus mumbles into her palm, eyes distant as her body relaxes into the couch beside Dew, “I think... I think sometimes you can just feel lonely without there being a deeper meaning to it, ya know.”

She brushes away a strand of his hair from his cheek, “Sometimes, we want to feel the people around us, or maybe we need to feel them... Emotionally, physically... We need to feel connected, and when we spend all of our time focused on work or the things we need to do, we forget to take time to be with each other.”

Dew sags into the couch, his body leaning naturally towards the ghoulette, his head coming to rest on her shoulder, and in turn, Cirrus rests her chin on the top of him and sighs.

“It’s hard for you to be vulnerable, because you’ve taught yourself how to put up walls and just let all your feelings roll off your back like water, but, Dew...” she whispers into his hair, “You can tell us when you’re hurting... You’re very good at letting things go, but I know there’s times where something stings more than normal. We all have days like that, but it shouldn’t minimize how you feel.”

“...I don’t know.” Dew croaks, “It’s... I know you guys wouldn’t... I know you wouldn’t... I just... Fuck, gimme a minute.”

Sitting up slightly, but keeping a bit of grounding contact with Cirrus, Dew takes a deep breath and continues.

“It’s not easy for me to articulate how I feel in the moment.” he says in an uncharacteristically soft tone, “I want to be able to say EXACTLY why I’m upset or frustrated, but sometimes it’s easier just to tamp it down or get angry.”

“It’s easier to be mad than confess exactly how and why something someone did... hurt. I don’t even like admitting that much. I feel like I’m physically biting on the word...” he brings a hand to his throat, “It’s like I’m chewing on rubber, like I have something in my mouth that doesn’t belong there.”

Cirrus rubs his back, “I wish I could tell you it will get easier to ask for help, but every situation is different, and it might get easier to say you need a moment or that you can’t say what you need to say... and it may never feel right, I promise you though, it’s okay.”

Dew looks at the floor pointedly for a moment before looking at Cirrus directly, “Earlier... when I yelled at you and Swiss, I... Normally, I can deal with a bit of teasing, but it felt like... I felt like I was on the ‘outside’, I guess.”

“Outside?” Cirrus asks, “Like not included or...?”

He furrows his brow and then waves his hand in a vague motion, “Hmm... like I wasn’t in on the joke, that it didn’t FEEL like a joke, and... sort of... outside of the whole situation. Like, not disassociating, but... I felt like an outsider.”

“Oh. Oh, Dew, I didn’t realize-” Cirrus begins, but stops when Dew shakes his head.

“You didn’t realize, because you wouldn’t have known how I felt about that kind of thing.” his voice goes softer again, “I’ve only told one other person aside from Aeth and you just now... and that person isn’t around anymore so... I probably should talk about this stuff more often, but we did just talk about why that hasn’t happened yet.”

He laughs and gives a little puff of air out of his nose. Cirrus can’t help but feel a little saddened by how tired he sounds.

“Can we...” he closes his eyes, “Can we... stop talking about this? Not forever, but just... I don’t want to dwell on this tonight. I wanna... I wanna just sit here and try and get to a point where I can apologize properly for how I reacted before.”

Cirrus gives Dew’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, “Not forever.”

“Definitely not forever.” he hums wearily, “...and I am sorry. Really.”

“I know you are.” she says, “I don’t have to tell you to, but, just so its said out loud... you’ll apologize to Swiss, too, yeah?”

Dew snuggles up against Cirrus, “...I wanna say ‘No’, just as a joke, but we’re being all mushy right now so fine... I’ll apologize to Swiss later.”

“Good.” she smiles, “...Proud of you for opening up like this.”

Dew groans dramatically.

“...Thanks.”

[paulinawoodpecker]

The day mummy was captured still was inside his memory, he kept sobbing about it and it kept breaking his heart. Luckily, Ramirez arrived to help cheer him up and decided to stay with him to make him comfortable again

@jakkiisthatboy2

~lovely by Billie Ellish and Khalid playing~

Tad: *remembering the day mummy was captured*

Tad: 🥺

~isn’t it lovely, all alone?~

~heart made of glass, my mind of stone~

~tear me to pieces, skin and bone~

Mummy: *in Tad’s mind* tad! Help me!

~hello, welcome home~

Tad: 🥺

Tad: *sobs hard as it were breaking his heart*

Tad: *hears knocking in door*

Tad: *sadly* come in

Ramirez: tad? Are you alright?

Tad: no…

Ramirez: still sick of that memory?

Tad: yeah…

Ramirez: why can’t you forget it?

Tad: it’s hard to forget it Ramirez!

Ramirez: I hear you. I’m listening.

Tad: it’s a lot hard to even forget such a stuck memory in my mind! Why am I always so cursed!

Tad: *continued to cry hard*

Ramirez: *looks worried and sad about him*

Ramirez: *kisses tad on the cheek*

Tad: huh?

Ramirez: tad don’t say that…

Ramirez: I love you no matter you’re sad or not. Sometimes we always get upset. But I never saw you this upset before. I always want to know how you’re feeling.

Tad: 🥺

Ramirez: it’s okay to cry when there’s too much on your mind especially for that horrible moment.

Ramirez: when you cry, the clouds rain too when things get heavy.

Ramirez: yeah you still do have the pain in your gut but it won’t be forever. And your pain in your mind will never stop until you feel it again and let the pain from your stomach, your heart and your mind flow.

Tad: *fell down to her shoulder and started crying*

Ramirez: there there. It’s alright tad.

Ramirez: *hugs tad*

Tad: 😭😭😭😭

Ramirez: shhhhh. It’s okay tad. I’m right here.

Ramirez: everything is going to be okay.

Tad: 😭😭😭😭

Ramirez: you can cry as long as you need to. I’m right here.

Tad: thanks Ramirez. I guess you do deserve to be my best friend.

Ramirez: Il stay with you until you feel better and feel comfortable.

Ramirez: I’ve been thinking that I'll stay with you in your home.

Tad: *nods*

Tad: alright.

Jeff and Belzoni: *hugs Ramirez and thank her to cheer him up for them*

Ramirez: you’re welcome you two.

Tad: for a second, I think I felt my stomach turning…

Ramirez: is your stomach starting to feel upset?

Tad: yeah…

Ramirez: don’t worry. I’ll find some medicine and a little bit of some soft hot oatmeal for you.

Tad: alright.

Later at night

Ramirez: oatmeal is ready!

Ramirez: just to fill your stomach up.

Tad: thanks…

Tad: *eats the oatmeal*

Ramirez: well?

Tad: very good.

Tad: *continues eating the oatmeal*

After tad ate…

Tad: *finished the oatmeal*

Tad: aah. That was so good.

Ramirez: glad to hear.

Ramirez: you know tad…

Ramirez I want to be best friends with you and we work together as a team.

Ramirez: it would be the honor for me to encourage you.

Tad: what for?

Ramirez: someday you might need to save the world and become “the bravest hero” to be a legend and make me proud of you.

Tad: okay…

Tad: I’m going to think about that…

Ramirez: also take these.

Tad: medicine and water?

Ramirez: to make it extra easy on your stomach.

Tad: *takes the medicine and drinks water*

Tad: ooh.

Tad: I’m so full right now…

Ramirez: didn’t you say ‘an archaeologist’s stomach is never full?’

Tad: yeah but not when I’m sick.

Tad: 😔

Ramirez: what is it?

Tad: I’ve been scared and afraid my life and now that mummy is being captured, I have no one to give advice to…

Tad: I really want him back.

Ramirez: I know you do…

Tad: I know! I’m so scared and afraid and mummy’s captured! And it’s all because of me!

Tad: I don’t know if I’ll never feel better from my stomach pain…

Ramirez: we just want you to feel better and you and I being best friends together.

Ramirez: I’m sure you will become the bravest hero to save mummy.

Ramirez: I promise you that I'll be there for you to do anything to rescue mummy.

Ramirez: I believe in you…

Tad: will you be part of my team and on my side?

Ramirez: I would love to.

Ramirez: *gets in his bed*

Ramirez: *comforts him*

Jeff and Belzoni: *helps Ramirez out*

Ramirez: how are you too in the mood for watching over tad for the night…

Jeff: *nods*

Later at night…

Jeff and belzoni: *sleeping*

Ramirez: *sleeping*

Tad: *struggling to sleep due to his pain in his stomach*

Tad: agh! Oooh….ow!

[merrybloomwrites]

Liam Payne - Rainy Day

Summary: Liam helps you discover the joy in a rainy day.

Word Count: 500

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Growing up, you’d never really been a fan of rainy days. Sure they were nice on occasion, but you were an outdoorsy kid. You hated being stuck inside. Inevitably, every spring would come with beautiful weather, and then a random week where it rained every single day. 

It was the worst. 

Just when you thought the sun was here to stay, the clouds rolled in and it would be dark indefinitely. 

In your early 20s, when you were on your own for the first time, starting your career and trying to be a functional adult, these gloomy days would really affect you. Your mood would be as gray as the sky, and you’d spend all your free time in bed. You simply couldn’t force yourself to get up and get ready when there was no point. 

And then you met Liam. From England. And he quickly changed your rainy day feelings. 

It’s a Friday, in the middle of April, and you haven’t seen the sun in a week. You’re making a pot of coffee, knowing Liam will want some when he wakes up. He had just flown in the night before to stay with you for a few days after working on his next album. 

Once the coffee starts brewing you move to look out the window, a glum expression on your face. 

“Hi beautiful, what’s with the sad face?” You turn at the sound of his voice and see his concern. 

“It’s nothing. Just the weather.”

“This weather? I love when it’s like this!” 

“Seriously?”

“Of course! It’s always like this back home. Whenever I’m traveling it’s nice when it rains because it’s so comforting,” he explains. 

“I guess that makes sense,” you concede. 

“Plus, it’s the perfect excuse to have a chill day at home. Which sounds perfect to me. I’ve missed you, kind of want to just hang around here doing nothing with my favorite person.” 

And well, when he puts it that way you start to see the upside to bad weather. 

He then says, “Why don’t we have some breakfast and then start a movie marathon? In bed?” 

“That sounds perfect,” you reply. 

That’s how you start the day, dancing around the kitchen as you make breakfast together before cuddling up under the blankets. You both want lighthearted movies, so you watch back to back rom-coms. 

When you’re tired of sitting in bed, Liam suggests board games. You can’t remember the last time you’d played one, and they’re literally collecting dust in the closet. 

In no time at all you’re both in tears, laughing so hard while playing. Nothing is all that funny, but you're in such great moods that it doesn’t even matter. 

The day passes, and you’re back in bed that night when Liam asks, “So, still upset about the weather?”

You think back to the day you’d spent together, all the quality time, and you reply, “Not at all. I hope there’s more rain tomorrow.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: Thanks for reading! Louis is up next week!

[museumgiftshoperaser]

some thoughts on disability in fanfiction

I have so many thoughts about the common “trope” within the stranger things fandom to give specifically Steve a disability in fanfiction. A lot of my thoughts on this are mixed in with my own complicated feelings about becoming (physically) disabled over the past few years. Which is why i have a hard time writing about it objectively or maybe even fairly. Because some of it brings up a lot of negative emotions regarding ableism I’ve personally experienced. And I’m also still unpacking a lot of internalized ableism so maybe I’m not (yet) able to critique some of this stuff properly. And obviously a lot of these stories are written by people who deal with these (or any) disabilities themselves as a way to explore the topic. I love those! I think writing is such an excellent way of exploring your own feelings. So any of my critisisms aren’t about people using (fan)fiction to write about their own experiences. I’ve read some absolutely incredible works about this topic!!

A lot of these pieces of fanfic featuring Steve with a disability (you typically see either being HOH, having epilepsy or migraines) tend to fall within the larger hurt/comfort trope. And that makes sense, I guess. I also understand the need/desire for disabled people to read or write stories about characters being comforted through the struggles of disability. But I find that often these stories, especially when written by able bodied people, can fall into some harmful tropes.

The main issue that comes up for me is the romanticization of taking away bodily autonomy of the disabled person. The character, most often Steve in this case, is written as struggling with a disability and having a hard time coming to terms with this and then another character “forces” them to get better or accept help and by doing so takes away their agency in the situation. I don’t care if it’s “”the right thing to do”” or “”he really needed someone to help him”” if you’re taking away someone’s autonomy in a situation that’s kinda fucked up. (there’s some nuance there in cases of severe mental health issues where someone might hurt themselves, but even there autonomy is incredibly important and I’m largely talking about physical disability here). This also includes a lack of autonomy in who gets to know about a characters disability and how they find out. Disabled people aren’t owed anyone info about their health and people learning about it against someone’s will can be very upsetting. Another prominent trope is using disability as a way to explore self-sacrificial elements of Steve’s character. It’s the ‘he always cares for other people first and forgets to care for himself’-thing that is often explored with his character. Writers will turn this character trait on its head by ‘giving’ Steve a disability and thus forcing him to reckon with needing and being deserving of care. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that as an idea. I think many people who become disabled struggle with asking for help and feelings of guilt surrounding this. Which is what makes this a difficult concept to critique. I have a hard time puting into words exactly what rubs me the wrong way about this. But let me just say there is definitely a difference between attempts at exploring disability and turning disabled people into poor little babies who can’t do anything for themselves and oh isn’t that just so sad? Especially when a story lacks correct information about what a disabled person would or would not be able to do themselves. There’s also so much infantilization going on in those cases.

And there’s obviously disabled people with (very) high support needs, but pity and infantilization is never an appropriate reaction. Also! Plenty of disabled people have worked through that shit and are (no longer or were never) constantly feeling guilty about needing care! It’s a logical emotion to go through in our ableist society, but I feel like we could do with more representation of disabled people who don’t feel like horrible burdens just for existing. I say this because people irl are sometimes genuinely confused when I don’t feel bad or guilty or embarrased about asking for accomodation. There’s almost an expectation that we’re supposed to feel bad about requiring assistance and that’s pretty fucked up. I don’t want to give specific examples because I can’t think of any of the top of my head, but also because I’m not writing this to call anyone out. I feel like this fandom has correctly noticed that Steve’s had one too many hits to the head and I think the desire to explore this as a community could be a very positive thing. We should just be mindful of the actual lived experiences of disabled people and use this as an opportunity to educate ourselves about disability and ableism. Not just use it as a way to project fantasies about being cared for onto disabled people. I think that’s what sometimes can go wrong here. Able bodied people might project their desires about being doted on and cared for (VERY valid desires!) onto these characters. But disabled people have different needs and wants regarding being cared for! You often cannot copy your own desire to have a break from your insanely busy life (again, valid desire) and have someone take over for you for a little while onto disabled people without accidentaly perpetuating ableist ideas. You might also run into trouble when you project your own desire to be helpful and needed onto characters who take care of a disabled person. This can be a bit more of a gray area (imo) because caring for loved ones is obviously a great thing. I just think it’s important to keep in mind whether the focus is on wanting to be the person who helps someone and actually helping a disabled person according to their own wishes and standards. These are some very rambly thoughts, but I hope they can prompt some people to have a look at their own ways of reading and writing about disabled people. I think an absolutely necessary first step is to consider whether you are taking bodily autonomy into account, but there are many more nuances into properly writing about disabled people. There’s also always just the option of... not writing about disability if it’s not something you fully understand. Sometimes the latter might be the best route to take.

I’d loved to hear some thoughts from other disabled people!

[mushiemellows]

2, 15, 17 for the writer ask game!! love your work <3

2.       Is there a least favorite character or title you dislike writing for?

I have some semi-extensive Jinbei writing on the horizon that I’m not feeling totally confident in. I also am writing some Sanj atm, and I’ve never totally felt confident in how I write him (tho I’ve been practicing and I subjectively think I’m improving?) I also sort of abandoned the Frankenstein fic, I might get back to it one day but it’s ultimately sad and thinking about it makes me feel even sadder to work on. We’ll see how it all pans out, I’d like to return to it one day because I still know where I want the story to go, I just don’t know if I’m in the place to write it yet. But I appreciate what it meant when I wrote it back over new years/xmas. Lots of things. I tend to get really harsh on myself, even tho it’s kind of silly. This is all just playing dolls. I don’t need to be so upset with the things I make, idk. And yet, I do.

15.   What made you start to write fanfiction/stories?

Hm. This is complicated to answer, I guess. Like I guess I’ve been thinking about fic since I was an 8year old kid realizing I could build off of stories in my brain before I went to bed. I used to feel a lot of shame about my desire to write those stories down, though. I was made fun of a lot when I was young for it. When I was in my early 20s I was in a fandom that was hot at the time where I wrote some pretty successful one shots (relatively, idk if they have longevity tho) but I didn’t sit down and start fully typing out words like I have become known for until ~6 months ago. I put out a crap fic I’ve since deleted because I was so ashamed of how bad it was, but it lead to me writing SRH so i can’t be totally mad at it either. And one day, I’ll look back on writing 315k of anime smut as a stepping stone to the next thing after it. It’s just a matter of time and perspective, I know that. I owe a lot to the terrible stories I made up in my brain when I was eight. I owe a lot to the terrible stories I made up in ao3 20 years after that. One day, I’ll look back on this phase too, hopefully. Stories pop into my brain in a way that is easier than words in real life. I like crafting narratives, I’ve fallen in love with the process these last few months. It’s always felt natural to me, and I’m so happy to finally pursue it. It’s freeing.

17.   If there’s one thing you could tell your readers, what would it be?

So I answered this one already, but I’m going to add to it. Oh my god, get weird. We’re in such a fecking different era of art creation, you need to make something weird and off putting to the masses. Find your niche, have confidence with the weird shit you’re into. Every time I get down about like, AI and bullshit like that, I think about the history of the camera and its relationship to painting. When science realized it could capture real life with more “technical precision” with the camera, portraiture and painting didn’t end. It adapted, we got Impressionism, expressionism, surrealism. Poison the content machine with unusable trash. Make something so weird that a computer couldn’t even dream of creating. Get wild, get funky, get freaky, fuck it get a little kinky. You’re never going to appease everyone. Maximum palatability isn’t the point. Be a fucking weirdo on main. Soak it up. Lean in twice as hard. Double down. Freak people out. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Tysm for all of the love 💜💜💜💜

[hancydrewfan]

Reasons I Love SequinSmile-x, For Her Birthday

I occasionally can write a lil fic, but only when inspiration hits at exactly the right moment. So I have no gift fic for my bestie @sequinsmile-x. Instead, I offer a list of reasons I love her with my whole heart including several of my favourite fics of hers. (below the cut, because I got a lil carried away in her honour)

When Tomorrow Begins, the tragic and beautiful EPIC SAGA of one incredible AU with impeccable flashbacks. Vic had just posted chapter eight of the sequel, If Tomorrow Starts Without Me, when I discovered this series I think two years ago. It remains a favourite that I am always thinking about all the time, especially since its gutwrenching, tearjerking, perfect conclusion last year, and I have reread it at least twice.

Martha, the most perfect beautiful angel of a cat. I do not have a cat, but I have a collection of my friends’ cats that I consider my babies and I will one day meet Martha in person and officially give her all the pets she absolutely deserves.

Tequila Confessions, which I guess I accidentally gave some ideas for and then she kindly gifted it to me (the first of many, including two of three follow-ups to TC!). This fic never fails to make me laugh and cry from laughing and I cherish it for starting a long tradition of me being a doofus and Vic running with my doofusness to create magic. (Again, I apologize for Invasion. I was runnin’ my mouth, that’s on me.)

A shared love of Tim Hortons, despite us being located in different continents. I have had many text conversations with her while walking home from therapy with an iced cap or a french vanilla in my hands and Midnights playing in my ears. A truly comforting friend even though there are many thousands of miles between us. Also because she’s British she uses the beautiful U in favourite and colour and honour and it makes me SO HAPPY. (this entry is about Canada-UK relations lol)

Love You In The Dark, another iNcReDiBLe AU fic where our intrepid heroes find each other in 1963. I know she worked so hard to get the setting right, and it can be a challenge to nail the voice and actions of characters in an era so unlike their own, but she friggin’ nailed it with this one. And it was also completely terrorizing when chapters ended on horrific cliffhangers you absolute freak. Also the way she incorporates canon details in AU fics makes me weep every time!! AND when she makes little easter egg connections to her previous fics, omg. I love puzzles and consider myself to be the human embodiment of Nancy Drew, so these kind of connections and secrets thrill me to no end.

HAVE YOU SEEN HOW CREATIVE THIS GAL IS??????? Friggin. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve screamed at her for sending a header she’s designed for an upcoming fic. And the fake insta posts???? Like wtf. The way she captures their voices in FAKE SOCIAL MEDIA. Stop being so good at everything (please don’t stop you are my lifeblood).

The Way Home, which actually I can’t even speak about because I’m still upset about the last chapter, you evil little pillbug.

She is so fun and so funny and so kind and so giving to this little fandom! We have a rich collection of hotchniss reads thanks to an incredible amount of talented writers, but sorry this post is about Vic and she posts new chapters and one shots multiple times a week, totalling well over a million words on ao3, despite having like a job and friends and a life outside of the internet. I am in awe, always.

okay sorry i’ll stop embarrassing you. love you vic and happy birthday!!!!!!

[bubbleslimesoda]

Sharing My Story

Trigger Warning for mentions of: Eating disorders, abuse, emotional blackmail, self harm, threats of  suicide, sexual assault, physical assault, racism, homophobia/bigotry ideals and manipulation

^Please only read if you have read the warning!^

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for some times as it has been so many years and yet I still get PTSD from this.

When I was 15-16 I was in a relationship with someone I’ll just call ‘that guy’/‘guy’ (I don’t even want to give him a creative name). I will also specify that he is the same age as me although when I started dating him I was told by a doctor that my mental age was apparently “half my actual age”.

Now I can’t even remember how this relationship started because to me it felt like “Oh we’ve been hanging out for a long time, I guess we’re going out now” also just to make it clear I had only been in one other relationship before this one and I’d felt the same way, I currently identify as grey aro/ace although I still question myself on it.

And a small detail about before this relationship, I had actually witnessed ‘that guy’ grab a half full bottle of water and hold a student while repeatedly hitting them really really hard with it, idk why at the time I didn’t see this as a red flag but then again I was about 14-15.

In this relationship at first I was told to be quiet about it unless I’d expressed how it made me feel sad as I was to feel like ‘that guy’ was ashamed of me for some reason.

I don’t want to go into full detail of every single thing that happened as it was very traumatic so the less I think about it the better. I’m going to make a list of things that happened instead.

• Kicked me in the head

• Hit me on my lower back

• Pulled my arm so hard my shoulder was in pain for a few weeks

• Bullied my ex and tried to convince me that my ex assaulted me

• Told me that I was “practically a boy” because I was bi (I wasn’t at the time) and that he was a girl because he was bi (Just pointing out how he seems to associate someone’s sexually with their gender identity)

• Would start an argument if I show little discomfort/felt upset by something he did or said

• Said he would kill my favourite tv show characters if he got the chance (I’m autistic and I think you can see why telling an autistic teen this is pretty fucked up)

• Made fun of and got angry at me for my autistic traits such as not liking loud sounds, bright lights and repetitive sounds and motion

• Referred to my eating disorder, ARFID as “being a picky eater” and when I expressed it upset me he showed no remorse and said he was “just joking”

• Putting words in my mouth. For example if he asked “Why would someone suddenly be acting different?” And I would reply “Idk. A big change in their life, loss of someone close, drugs, alcohol, into something new, money?” He would turn around say I was accusing him of doing drugs (I really don’t know how he would make those stretches)

• Manipulated me into acting in a way that was more sexual than what I was comfortable with

• Would then tell me off for said behaviour but then would make remarks or show disinterest in me when I stopped

• Touched me without permission or while I was asleep even though I had expressed discomfort or even said no (I would wake up from it or have noticeable signs of it when I woke up)

• Made jokes about Asian people’s eyes

• Isolated me from friends and made it so I could only be friends with his friends

• Threats of self harm and taking his own life when he wouldn’t get his way

I know that was long and thank you if you’ve read this far. This is very hard for me to write as I keep needing to take breaks to calm myself down.

When I was 15-16 I was very into Rick and Morty and I suggested it to ‘that guy’ since I genuinely thought he would like it. He said we’d watched it before but I pointed out that he was never paying attention to which he just seemed to flip out about. I told him it wasn’t going to work to which he threatened self harm and worse so I agreed to stay with him. The next day he then “broke up with me” as far as I was concerned it had already ended when I said it wasn’t going to work but we still tried to be friends.

After that I had so many nice and kind people come back into my life which I was a very emotional thing for me because it felt like I was asleep or cut off from reality before hand. It seemed that the rest of the school knew about ‘guy’s’ behaviour as no one wanted to talk to him or be friends with him after everything, we could just stand in this corner staring at me and my friends while texting as we spent our breaks talking and such.

A few days after it happened I was sat with my friends and suddenly got a call from my mum saying that ‘guy’s’ parents had called her saying that I had been bullying him to which I had to point out that no, I wasn’t bullying him. I was just sitting with my friends and talking while ‘that guy’ was staring at us in a corner.

After that I did my exams and went to college only to find out that ‘guy’ had copied me on what course I was taking, I had actual helped him get into a different course to me but he still decided to take the course I was taking.

Now I did try to be civil, I didn’t acknowledge him or talk about him/to him until he asked if we could be friends(I was 16 at the time btw, I’m the UK you go to college at about 16 and then uni after about 3 years). I foolishly said yes.

One day my friend who I’d met in that course who had ME was going to be late and was worried about being seated near someone who kept messaging them about drinking and made them uncomfortable. I had a different class before our one so I asked ‘that guy’ if he could save them a seat and he said no which I was fine with but then he went on to say that I was “bullying him by asking him to save them a seat” and after I told him that’s not how it worked he said “I wouldn’t let him be bi while we were dating”, I was actually very supportive and happy for him during that time. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone and blocked him.

Now for this last bit I’m going to go back about it. Before we started dating he was dating another girl who had left our school due to depression and I was actually close with her and I was very sad and worried when she left. Idk how they broke up but the girl was at my college and I was so relieved and happy that she was okay I went to say hello to her. She screamed at me and I went home that day because someone had told me that ‘guy’ had “told everyone I abused him”(I also found out that she started dating ‘guy’), this was so overwhelming and upsetting that it is actually what started my PTSD.

Despite what I had managed to survive, doing the right thing by not talking to him or about him (apart from to two close friends at the time) and worrying about someone for years who I had no contact with I was now being accused of this horrible horrible thing that I had to live through. I even struggled to stand properly that day because of how scared, breathless and distraught I felt. I had even become terrified of saying his name because that’s how much hearing or saying it would fill me with fear.

They were reported and felt with for what had happened but for the rest of the year ‘guy’ and his girlfriend harassed and bullied me and they even harassed my mother at certain points. It was the worst first year of college I think anyone could’ve had and I would never wish it on anyone.

After that I went into the next year being in a different group to him(it’s also where I met my current best friend)and then the following year the groups merged but it seemed he didn’t have any friends again and I had actually made friends with some of the people he told I was abusive. One even said while I was helping them at their house “I’m sorry that I believed him, you’re actually really sweet and nice” which felt amazing to hear after all that trauma.

Today I still suffer with really bad PTSD attacks related to what happened before and during that first year of college. I guess I get paranoid that maybe the same thing will happen again somehow in the future so making this post is my way of venting about this, and bringing awareness to it as I know I’m not the only one who has been abused only to have that person tell you “it’s your fault” or “you’re actually the abusive one” despite having had to deal with similar or even the same thing as me. And people like ‘that guy’ will always be around trying to snake their way back into your life just to hurt you or make themselves a victim just so they don’t have to feel bad about what they did to you.

To finish this off I want to sort of say what I would to my younger self, dealing with what happened.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you and I’m sorry that you suffered. From the bottom of my heart and everything I am, I am sorry. You deserve better than what happened to you and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know you put yourself down a lot but you are going to make some amazing things and meet amazing people who love you and care for you. Don’t let this hold you back, you are more than this horrible thing that happened to you so don’t let it consume you. You are loved and capable of so much. Don’t ever stop being your happy silly and imaginative self, I love that side of you and I will not stop loving you. Please take care of yourself.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

well i’m upset lol

so, as i might have mentioned lately i’ve been busting my ass working as hard as i possibly can so i can get caught up on everything for my pto next week, right

well, wouldn’t ya know it i got bronchitis this week, yay

so okay, whatever fine it’s this week, hopefully i’ll be better by next week even though being sick makes my disability worse which makes it harder for me to do things i normally do but i’m pushing through it, eyes on the prize it’s all good

as the week’s going on, though, it’s like...unless i wake up tomorrow feeling miraculously better chances are any plans i had for this weekend aren’t going to happen so that stinks, but still pushing on

one of the biggest things is i’ve been out of weed for like...a few months now (thank god for delta 8/9) and the stars had finally aligned just right to where i should have enough money finally and i was going to get it before my vacation so i didn’t have to fool with getting it during my time off, i’d just already have it, right?

well, now that probably won’t be happening until next week but okay, okay FINE, it’s fine. not the end of the world, but it’s fine.

so no weekend plans, no weed, still sick but it’s fine because it’s at least time off!!

and!! one of the best parts was my mom’s dog was going to go to doggy training school for a week and i didn’t initially plan for it to line up this way but it was supposed to be next week so like...amazing!!

now listen, i love dogs, don’t get me wrong but this one in particular is very loud and it’s at a point where like if i’m listening to my music just a little too loudly (which is never loudly at all, mind you) or if i sneeze or drop something or just...whatever, any little innocuous noise and it sets this dog off barking and barking and barking so i thought, “wonderful, my week off and it’s finally going to be quiet!! i might actually get to have a day where i’m not overly stimulated with noise and loud!! i won’t have to tiptoe around upstairs where i am all the goddamn time in one room all the goddamn time, woo-hoo!!!

wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll guess what!!!!!

guess who’s fucking appointment got moved to next week!!!!!

the dog!!!!

and so for whatever reason that was just the goddamn straw that broke the camel’s back for me

it’s wednesday and since monday i’ve already worked 41 hours

i plan on working 7 hours of overtime tomorrow and then that’s it, i’m on vacation and again, just...killing myself to get all of this in and done so i can hang on to whatever’s left of what i’ve been looking forward to for a while now and i just...broke, y’know

so i went downstairs finally to make an actual meal and i was just trying to tell my mom i was bummed about how it seems like my vacation isn’t panning out the way i hoped but of course because i’m stressed out and have already had some meltdowns today i ended up crying as i was trying to say it and so she starts doing what her version of comforting me is which is to just counter everything i’m saying and i get she thinks she’s just offering solutions or encouragement or whatever but to me it just feels like, “this isn’t a problem, i don’t know why you’re complaining about this when there’s a simple solution right here” and when i try to say, “i thought about that, but i don’t think so” she just gets frustrated with me and walks away and that’s that

and so i started crying some more at which point my dad walks in to the kitchen and sees me and asks if i’m okay and i shake my head no and i dunno if my mom told him why or what because i was crying but he just...goes to bed, lol

so then i apologize to my mom for getting upset and just try to explain like, “hey, i’m sorry i’m just really tired and upset right now and i just wanted to hear ‘that sounds frustrating, i’m sorry’, i wasn’t trying to ask you to fix anything” and she just...gets more upset with me

and this is a type of conversation i feel like we keep having lately where like...i try to communicate to her that i’m having a hard time right now and i’m really struggling and am upset about something and i just want to like...say that, that’s all. i just want to say that and be comforted and instead it’s like...if i don’t immediately go, “oh, thanks for solving my problem!!” and slap a big smile on my face them i’m choosing to be miserable

that’s something that’s been said twice to me now recently, that i’m just choosing to lean into this instead of look for solutions, i’m choosing doom and gloom.

and i can’t tell you........how much worse that makes me feel

and again, when i try to tell her that it made me feel worse she just decides we need to end the conversation and i need to go away, she isn’t in the right headspace to have this conversation so basically just fuck off

and now i remember why i never open up to anyone about anything ever

i knew better than to ask for comfort, i should have just self-soothed like i always do but i’m so goddamn tired

and again, that’s really been the biggest thing like...i need this time off

i am so beyond burnt out and overwhelmed, i just need a goddamn break and i think i’m allowed to be a little upset that it’s not turning out the way i’d hoped and how right now in this moment it just feels like something else will probably happen to make it even worse because that’s been the trend lately and yeah, i’m sure after i get some sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow i’ll probably be in a better headspace and can start to walk myself back from the ledge and find new things to look forward to instead, but just....right now in this moment in specific all i wanted was comfort, that’s it

but instead i just made my mom upset and i think i’ve come to the realization lately that she may love me because i’m her kid.....but she doesn’t like me. not all of me, anyway

she likes the parts of me that are good and easy to like

but this part of me? she has no patience for it and just some of the shit she says makes me realize how she must really think of me and it’s been breaking my heart lately

i know i didn’t turn out the way everyone probably hoped

i know i’m a disappointment

i know it can’t be easy to deal with your grown ass child who has these many mental health problems and shit

but that’s the thing too is that for the longest fucking time i have tried not to bother either of them with it

i have tried to keep it to myself because i knew they weren’t capable of comforting me.

way back in high school when i had to get pulled into the counselor’s office because i told my friends i was going to kill myself and my parents were called, did i get therapy?? did i get reassurance?? did i even get a fucking hug??

no!!

i got told i was just trying to be like my best friend who also had a lot of mental health problems and so i was basically just making it up

oh, and that i should probably stop listening to bands like afi and mcr because that was probably what was making me depressed

probably horror movies too

so that was that

no help then, no help now i have to do it all my goddamn self

and that’s fine, a lot of people have to, i just....thought maybe by now it would be different

ESPECIALLY considering the hours and hours and hours of emotional labor i’ve put in for them

all of their problems i’ve listened to

all the times i’ve played therapist

but i can’t get so much of an ounce in return

and i guess if i can’t handle mentally collapsing with perfect grace and gratitude then i don’t deserve anything and i just need to go away

so that’s cool

that’s all really, really cool and i love life and love being alive and living it

[charincharge]

advice time! you are the nicest, coziest, most helpful person on this site so hopefully you can help :)

there’s this guy i’ve been crushing on for a while. i liked him in 8th grade, and that was the year covid hit and schools went out, and i was fully virtual the next year, so i didn’t see him at all until last year (10th grade). we became a lot closer and i didn’t start liking him again at that point, we were just good friends. i’m in 11th grade now and we’ve become even closer this year except i started liking him again and i’ve tried to ignore it bc i hate having feelings for my friends, it makes things so miserable for me. it’s grown to the point where i think this is the largest crush i’ve ever had on a person, and i know that’s not necessarily saying much since i’m still in high school (and have never dated anyone btw), but at this point in my life it still feels really meaningful to me. anyway, tl;dr of that was there’s a boy that i’m pretty good friends with who i have a massive crush on.

so today i found out he’s asexual. i was supportive of course when he told me but, especially later when i was by myself and had time to process it, i am so upset about this. i’m not upset with him ofc, i have nothing against ace people and i’m bi myself so it’s not like i’m bigoted, it’s just that this guy i’ve liked so much and for so long (relatively anyway) can’t like me back. i was never under the impression he did, he never acted like he had feelings for me in return so i’ve never shared my own feelings, it’s just that even though i knew he didn’t like me there was still the possibility of it, and it’s gone now. i’m just so frustrated with the circumstances, that things had to work out this way. i feel so selfish for worrying about my own feelings while he’s coming out and dealing with the stress of that, it’s just so unreasonably sad to me.

i could never tell him any of this, both because it would be so embarrassing and awkward for me, and because he’s such a kind person and i know he’d feel (unnecessarily) bad. so i will do my best to get over him while supporting him through this. i guess what i’m asking for isn’t actually advice since there’s nothing to be done about it (although maybe you have some tips for getting over him?), but really all i need are some words of comfort if you don’t mind <3

Oh my goodness. First let me say that I’m so incredibly touched that you reached out to me as a safe person. I am honored.

But then let’s address your problem. I totally get why your instinct would to be upset, but take a step back and take a breath and reevaluate. There is an extremely wide spectrum of asexuality and what that means. Instead of just being sad, it might be worth asking your friend what his asexual identity means to him. It differs from person to person. I have an ace friend who is in a committed relationship and they kiss, hug, etc but sex is not a priority but they do occasionally have sex.l bc their partner wants it. I also have an ace friend who doesn’t like to be touched and their partner has to understand that. Being ace doesn’t mean they can’t want you back. They totally can. It doesn’t mean your friend is suddenly off limits to a relationship it just means the boundaries of behavior are more specific. So there’s really no harm in asking what that means to them so you can figure out what that means for you if you were to be their partner. That being said, being ace is hard. We live in an Uber sexualized world and especially as an ace dude who is expected to be sexual, it might be nice to be a friend who assures them it’s okay not to feel that way. Even if their feelings aren’t reciprocated.

That said, if that’s too much I totally understand. Relationships are hard. Friendships are hard. Being a teen is hard l. You have to do what you feel good about and tbh if learning your crush is ace closes that door, it might open a new one. You have no idea. You’re so young and have so many people left to meet. You’re going to figure it all out and be okay. And if you need more assurance or help, I’m always here.