#but its not about ignoring her issues and pretending shes flawless

[caatws]

I wanted to say I think you have some of the most detailed and well thought out opinions of vol 3 that I have seen. You do a good job of not ignoring the good while also not pretending the movie was flawless. It's very refreshing.

I'm still working on all of my opinions of the movie and one thing I'm becoming more settled on is that the movie suffered from wanting to have its cake and eat it too. Gamora's death and the ways her past self can't easily fall back on what was got a lot of attention during some scenes. Then in other scenes her death was side stepped to point out that technically she's still here and not all is lost. This was used the most when it came to characters who weren't Peter. I certainly am no expert but I think there were better ways to connect those two points. There is a loss worth grieving and feelings that need to be worked through as a team even as they gradually embrace a new situation. That would have required more time be spent and story dedicated to that plot and easy or not I think that should have been done.

The same issue existed for the non existent exploration of how 5 years after the snap things would be really different. Not sure if you watched The Falcon and The Winter Soldier or Hawkeye but both those shows did a better job than vol 3 at not pretending nothing happened. The new Ant-man movie with all it's mess didn't pretend the snap was easy either. I love the guardians and I love the family theme but the family had been through the most difficult struggle ever and was disrupted in pretty hard hitting ways that there was no way to easily bounce back from. Most of them missed 5 years, Gamora was dead, others experienced the reality of what was essentially a post apocalyptic world. At the end Nebula got her sister back in a way where her sister basically lost some of their most crucial bonding years and she couldn't share with anyone she was keeping up with her. There was so much about all of this that needed exploration. I did appreciate Peter's mental state was terrible and the film didn't joke around about it. But that was the only sign IW or EG had taken place for these characters. It made no sense. In fact the movie played vague about Gamora experiencing Endgame and that was the whole plot around which she returned.

AHHH THANK YOU ANON 🫶🏼😭 i do still love this franchise and all these characters with all my heart, so i want to still give credit where credit is due when i can! (i also am thinking of rewatching vol 3 for the first time this weekend since my initial watch like 2 weeks ago, and i'm eager to better see the forest for the trees and pay less attention to the gamora situation and more attention to everything else in the film, bc there were some things that i did rly like!!!)

re: the ways gamora's death was handled differently scene to scene, i agree!!! i also think a way that these differing reactions between the characters could've been better connected is by having that be a more prominent conflict between the characters from start to finish. like it's already kinda established at the beginning that peter grieving is disrupting the team, but i feel like we could've done more with that throughout the film. and rather than have it be peter vs everyone else, it would've been interesting to see how each character individually may have been at different points in their grief journey. but i understand that a rocket backstory-centric film is not gonna allow much room for That much exploration between the characters

also yeah the way post-endgame content has been handling the snap has been one of my biggest criticisms of phases 4 and 5 so far. i did watch tfatws and hawkeye and you're right that those are the only shows that have rly addressed things (and of course quantumania touched on it a fair amount) - and tbh, hawkeye is the only phase 4 project that i felt like i came away from it with a genuinely better understanding of the snap with it showing yelena's pov of getting snapped and then coming back. we definitely needed something to that emotional extent for gotg at some point, whether it be here or the holiday special - something that rly showed how much the snap disrupted their lives and fucked up both those who were snapped and those who were just stuck living in the apocalypse for 5 years. (i also would've loved to see more of how it affected rocket especially, considering his arc in vol 2)

at this point, now that we have phases 4 and some of 5, to me it almost feels like the snap was done all wrong lol. like what was the point of making it 5 years long if it we weren't gonna get to see the actual full impact of it on the characters, especially the ones who lived through the 5 years? the only characters' experiences we rly got to see in depth were the core 6 avengers in endgame...meanwhile, rocket was left as the SOLE member of his team (bc nebula wasn't even technically a guardian yet in 2018) and nebula lost her sister in a super traumatic way. LIKE ARE ROCKET AND NEBULA OKAY LMAO???

similarly, if the mcu wasn't ready to actually handle the implications and the fallout of the circumstances of gamora's death, it shouldn't have done it lmao. like don't dish what you can't take. don't make huge universe-altering and character-devastating story moves if you're not even going to give them the depth they deserve

[thechekhov]

Critical Role Deadblog time.

Yes, it’s true. I’ve done it. I’ve watched all of Critical Role’s first campaign. All 115 episodes, and then some. As a tribute, I may as well dump my thoughts here, for anyone who’s interested in reading them. Spoilers ahead, obviously.

It’s called a deadblog because initially I was going to do a liveblog, but as soon as I announced how excited I was to give it a go, I got about 30 people barging into my askbox going “NOOO, DON’T WATCH CR, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS OTHER TTRPG REAL PLAY PODCAST INSTEAD, IT’S SO MUCH BETTEEERRRRRR”

Which. Immediately put me in a bad mood, because I did NOT ask for suggestions on what to watch, and out of spite and spite alone I decided to watch CR anyway.

(Yes, it’s petty. I know.)

To make it clear, I am fully aware that Critical Role, despite its popularity, has tons of issues. I noticed them myself, I winced in multiple places, and I’m in general agreement that it’s by no means perfect.

Nevertheless, it was a thoroughly entertaining affair, and I think it stands on its own, and I still really enjoyed watching it. 

Instead of doing a complete writeup of the story, I think I’ll do a writeup of the characters - because after all, with a cast full of actors and voice actors, they are an integral part of this experience. 

[Description: Image of Keyleth from CR with her short hair whipping behind her, clutching her staff and looking worriedly straight ahead.]

Kind of shocked by the amount of vitriol I’ve seen in the YouTube comments about this character, and all of it just made me like her more. She was definitely the least gritty of the group, but overall, I loved her storyarc. I think Marisha nailed it when she mentioned that overall, Keyleth’s growth has been the most gradual of them all. It was actually really neat, because by the end of the Vecna arc she was making good decisions while still having her bumbling moments which, in my opinion, is a lot more interesting to watch than just ‘perfect, flawless, strategic gameplay’. 

I am also really side-eyeing all the people praising Travis for ADHD rep while ignoring the fact that Marisha, who is also clearly a bit distracted with taking notes/discussing stuff with Taliesin gets the short end of the stick when she isn’t paying perfect attention. All of them do it at various points throughout the series, but it all kind of falls on her. 

[Description: Image of Percival from CR resting a gun on his shoulder, with clouds of smoke billowing past him as he stares straight ahead.]

He’s definitely a fun one, and I found it hilarious that Taliesin always spoke of Percy more poorly than he played him. Despite always painting Percy as the silent asshole with anger issues, outwardly he was always just a hurt child who was shouldering shit-tons of trauma and poor decisions and doing his best to pretend he wasn’t shaking under the strain. The anime protag here is, obviously, off the charts, and I also appreciated the fact that Taliesin managed to tie in the fact that his invention was always a dark part of his life and something he created out of pain, not ingenuity. The metaphor of the fact that his creations had a tendency to backfire and literally explode in his face was a nice touch.

[Description: Image of Scanlan from CR, smiling but with tears in his eyes, a whirl of magic between his two hands as he looks onward.]

Scanlan, Scanlan, Scanlan... I waited with baited breath for the day that everyone told me would surely come... the day when you would be less annoying.... alas, it never came. I think I’m probably alone in this, but Scanlan’s grating sexual harassment, as much as it faded after his arc, was nevertheless replaced with other grating qualities, such as disregarding the emotional needs of others while making dramatics when it came to his own. Scenes like the penultimate discovery of Kaylee’s body were touching, but tasted burnt when he insisted on continuing his gag of ‘who cares about Vex and Vax’s sister who’s dead, casualties of war, etc’.

I think Sam’s brilliant improv acting drove Scanlan to be far more likable than he would be in anyone else’s hands. The wit and brilliance of his abilities in battle soothed what would be an otherwise grating personality that only Vox Machina could love. Then again, perhaps that’s the point...

[Description: Image of Pike from CR, her hands clasped together and her eyes shut. Two white wings unfurl behind her.]

Shocked how little we saw of her, and genuinely disappointed that we couldn’t have more. I loved Pike’s adorable sunniness contrasted by her more genuine “Aren’t You Tired of Being Nice, Don’t You Just Want to Go Apeshit” streak that sometimes shone through the cracks. I think the arc with her and her family was absolutely brilliant, and she is way more than just a nice ball of heals for the party. I wish we could have had more of her in the games, because I anticipate that her chaotic nature would have brought tons of nuance to the table, and would perhaps even counterbalance Scanlan being an asshat a fair bit.

[Description: Image of Vex from CR in her white dragon hide armor, looking straight ahead as the light shines down on her.]

Ended up loving Vex way more than I anticipated. I think initially I expected her to be simple, vixen-like and shallow, and that’s on me. She was actually quite a complex character, and her constant bickering with her brother helped endear her to me. Not to mention the fact that she managed to tie in her obsession with gold into her and Vax’s struggle to be accepted into elven society. I think her dragging Trinket about is double hilarious, although I admit I kind of shared Scanlan’s frustration with how useless he ended up being. That’s not his fault though.

[Description: Image of Vax from CR, heavily in shade except from the light coming from below, looking grimly ahead.]

Ahhh, the beautiful emo boy.... I honestly didn’t like Vax until later in the series, when he stops moping around and finds a purpose. I think Liam nailed it when he said that, had Vax been accepted by the elves, he would have just become a common foot soldier without much drive to do anything. Vax strikes me as one of those people who need a direction, a leader, or something, which is why I think it’s endearing that he planned to essentially retire to be Keyleth’s guard dog, until fate knocked on their door. 

Also, dumbass bisexual, 10/10, absolutely relate to him walking into the bedroom of Lord and Lady Briarwood and immediately falling back on hitting on both of them at the same time in an attempt to cover up for poor decision making.

(In general, I’m of the opinion that Team Half-Elf has maybe half a braincell between them, tops, and Vex has it 90% of the time. Percy has the other half of the braincell. Pike has confiscated both Scanlan and Grog’s only braincells for safekeeping.)

[Description: Image of Grog from CR, grinning and pulling a card from the Deck of Many Things while a dark void opens behind him.]

I’m probably with many people on this train, but Grog is genuinely a delight. I do like how he’s not a good person 50% of the time, and Travis never gives in to the thousands of simps and incel wannabes trying to get him to “admit” that he’s the smartest player. I actually think Travis is genuinely a smart guy, but he never lords it over the others, never takes advantage, and I really appreciated that. The entirety of Grog’s interactions with The Deck is also absolutely bloody brilliant, right down to the last episode. I don’t think there was a better way that could have ended.

And here we are, at the end, and you will perhaps notice that I never gave an answer to perhaps the most obvious question - who was my favorite character?

The answer is... Matthew Mercer. 

It’s not a cop-out. I think the guy is an inspirational, story-driven and genuinely kind person I’ve seen in entertainment media for a while. He plays all of his NPCs, even the most hilariously voiced ones with empathy and depth that one would not expect out of most Player Characters. I think I can see how the Mathew Mercer effect took off, and it’s a pity he’s gotten the blunt of the hurt for it. He is clearly invested in the game, in the narrative, and in making his players all feel special and assuring they all have fun while keeping the stakes high.

I also dearly, dearly love Allura, Kima and Gilmore. Here’s some Kima and Allura doodles I did after I heard they got married.

I know the show isn’t The Best Thing Out There... but I enjoyed watching it. It’s given me about half a year of solid entertainment, has given me lots of ideas, and has inspired me into new projects. 

I’ll be doing Campaign 2 eventually, once I get through all the one-shots, so keep your spoilers out of my askbox or else. :)

[picturejasper20]

Pink and the Diamonds

The relationship between Pink and the Diamonds is always presented in the series as very complicated.There is this side of them that shows they really care about Pink such as in the song ¨What´s the use of feeling blue?¨, when Blue and Yellow found out that Pink wasn´t shattered or when we see Blue mourning over Pink´s shattering in ¨Steven Dream¨.It´s easy to guess from many moments and lines that the Diamonds really loved her.

On the other hand, there was this more cruel,controling and abusive side of them. Those moments when they ignored her constanly, when Blue would lock up Pink inside a tower or when they kept her separated from ¨lower gems¨. This cruel side seemed to be motivated by them trying to make Pink act like a Diamond and follow their role in Homeworld´s system.

To analyse their relationships i´m going to talk about them separately since each one is different from the other:

Blue Diamond and Pink

¨I should've done more. Yellow says it'll all be over soon. I wonder what you would think. This is your planet, after all. I still think it is.¨

Out of all the three diamonds,Blue appears to be the one that was closest with Pink. According to ¨Familiar¨ Blue loved watching Pink singing on the bottom of the pool. When she first found about the truth about Rose she held Steven near her while crying tears of happiness, relieved to see Pink again. She also appeared to be the most affected by Pink´s shattering, severeal hints in the series show she suffered from depression and she deeply regret her ¨death¨.

 While all the three Diamonds represent a toxic mother figure to some extent, Blue´s case is the most obvious one. She appeared to be the one that used her powers against Pink the most. She tried teaching her how to ¨behave¨ and the one who was in charge of her punishments.

On the other hand she let Pink bend the rules at times and sometimes encouraged her fun side. Blue also preserved the zoo, earth gems and Rose Quartzes just to not forget about Pink. As she said to Yellow in ¨That will be all¨: 

¨Yellow, she made them. This is all we have left of her. These Gems, this place, and the Earth.¨

Blue´s abuse to Pink is more subtle since her niceness was sometimes used to emotionally manipulate Pink by treating her like a child who is not capable of taking care of herself.

Yellow Diamond and Pink

¨I want my own planet! I deserve it! I'm just as important as you!¨  

¨Then why don't you act like it, Pink?!¨  

Yellow is a gem who prefers hiding her emotions. She seems to be more focused on her Diamond duties than Blue is. Homeworlds system is very important to her but so its her love for Pink.

Yellow considered that Pink wasn´t ready to run a colony on her own. Often she treated her more like a annoyance when she had to spend time with her. She was quite neglectful because she was always busy with giving orders to other gems and checking her colonies.

While Yellow appears to be rational, she can get very emotional when it comes to people she cares about: When Peridot mentioned that she didn´t approve Yellow´s plan to destroy the Earth, she became incredibly enraged and put the  Diamond Communicator on self-destruct mode. This was because Yellow wanted to get rid of everything that remind her of Pink, like Earth, the zoo and the Rose Quartzes.

¨Drowning in all this regret? / Wouldn't you rather forget her?

Ohh! Won't it be grand to get rid of it all?

Let's make a plan of attack! Start looking forward and stop looking back!¨

In the song ¨What´s the use of feeling Blue¨ her desire to destroy the Rose Quartzes and Earth seems to be motivated by her wanting to forget about the past on contrast with Blue Diamond. Yellow blames herself for Pink´s shattering saying they shouldn´t have given a colony to her.

¨How miserable. I knew Pink couldn't handle her own colony. But, I gave in. And now, I'm to blame for her fate.¨

In the end, Yellow cared deeply about Pink, she just doesn´t show her emotions as often as Blue does.

White Diamond and Pink

¨As for me, I'm certain I don't need you. After all, I'm every color of the light! But you're a part of me… the part I always have to repress¨ 

White and Pink is one of most mysterious relationship in the series. However, through small hints and additional material, it´s easy to see that White was very controlling with Pink and their relationship was very distant.

¨Pink was as silly as she was small. She was impossible to understand, impossible to ignore, and impossible to control.¨  White Diamond, The Tale of Steven.

Blue and Yellow mentioned in ¨Familiar¨ how they used to be closer and how White locked herself up in her own head after Pink´s shattering. It´s very likely that White did this as way to pretent that nothing ever happened and to not show any emotions since emotions meant weakness to White, and weakness meant to be flawed.

White always assumed what it was best for Pink, she knew better than her. In her eyes, Pink was a silly naive gem who couldn´t make choices on her own and needed to be controlled every second.

And while she didn´t say it out loud, her love for Pink is her weakness. In Change your mind she thought that Pink was hiding in Steven, she was desperate to prove that the little gem was still alive and didn´t want to believe she was gone.

Finding out that Steven was just Steven was what made her break down and realize how wrong she was about everything. In reality, she was in denial of  Pink´s shattering and wanted to pretend to that she was fine. 

That´s why she hide in her own spaceship and avoided talking with everyone. She was obsessed with being this perfect flawless leader that knew what was best for all gems.

While their relationship was cold and distant, she still cared (and cares) about Pink. 

In conclusion: Pink´s relationship with the Diamonds was very complicated. In this analysis i talked about how they really loved her. The main issue was that their very toxic and controlling parenting pushed Pink away. Their obsession with keeping everything under control on Homeworld prevented them from having a healthy relatioship with her and was what finally broke them apart.

I think it´s very interesting how the writers showed that an very authoritarian regime can destroy families and make parents develop a very toxic mentality that ends up hurting their kids. It not only hurts the society but also what is personal for us.

Note: Gifs are from Steven universe wikia

[stxphxn-strange]

spun sugar (written for the ironstrange fanfic challenge)

Summary: He didn’t feel like going out, but he needed a distraction. Nothing would be able to take his mind off of the phone call he was waiting for, the call he knew would never come. Not even a double date to the carnival with Anthony, Hope, and Christine kept him focused today, and he was actually starting to need a distraction from his distraction. 

a/n: just a heads up that this fic is on the heavier side of angsty so please be careful and safe! tw: for homophobia/mentioned use of slurs, outing, death (drowning), and family issues, and i think that’s it

Today felt like the world’s longest deja vu episode. It felt like standing in line at a carnival for hours, only to spin endlessly on one of those teacup rides. Everything was an unbreakable cycle of doubt, confusion, anger, and the old familiar self loathing. So for Stephen, it was just Thursday. 

She didn’t forget. 

She probably forgot! 

She didn’t forget. She didn’t call on purpose. 

She knows what today is. 

She doesn’t want to talk to me. 

I don’t want to talk to her either, and yet I still wish she’d call. Maybe then I could pretend that things are sort of okay. 

Stephen sighed, completely tuning out his professor. He hadn’t been paying attention all class and wasn’t going to start now. There were more important things to be thinking about, like the nap he was going to take when he got home, or the fact that it was Victor’s birthday. 

It was Victor’s birthday, and Stephen wanted to plan some sort of surprise call and later invite his brother to visit him in the city. Eugene immediately took to the idea and offered to help plan it and reach out to more of the family, but there was a catch. Of course Beverly had to be involved in some capacity. Even if she didn’t want to be associated with her older son, her younger one was near and dear to her heart and she wouldn’t hesitate to do anything for him. Except this, apparently, because that would involve speaking to Stephen. The med student didn’t expect to hear back from his mother and truthfully never expected a lot from her generally, but his hopes were still up. 

Waste of time. She doesn’t need me. 

She doesn’t even want me. 

Stephen checked the time again. His lecture would be over in 15 minutes, and the next one started in half an hour. That gave him enough time to grab a coffee and call his dad on the walk across campus, and to make the time pass now he’d organize his inbox. 

Most of his messages weren’t surprising (they were mainly just calendar invites and the occasional email from Anthony with an article Stephen might like) or even worth reading, but Stephen was a bit surprised when Eugene called him first. He had a solid relationship with his dad, but it was still unfamiliar for Stephen to have his family approach him first. Usually it went the other way around. 

“I was just about to call you,” he said. “What’s going on? Mom never told me when the family call is” 

“That’s the bad news,” Eugene replied. “Your mom changed the plan.” 

“So she shut me out? Again? Is that what I’m supposed to understand?” Stephen asked, his voice cracking like the thinnest sheet of winter ice under heavy footfalls. “I didn’t do anything.” 

Eugene sighed. “I’m sorry.” That was all the confirmation Stephen needed. 

“What happened?” He asked. “She would do anything to make Victor happy, even if it means acknowledging me as part of the family.”

“Which you are,” Eugene argued. 

“Not according to Mom, and you know that,” Stephen replied. “Please just tell me what happened, my next class starts soon.” 

“Your aunt called to wish Victor a happy birthday and then was chatting with your mom about the family, as they do. I think she asked your mom how you were doing and how your love life in school was going, but at that point I wasn’t really listening. You know that your aunt is one of my few in-laws I actually tolerate, maybe even like, and today she proved exactly why. Claudia said something about you, and based on your mom’s reaction it wasn’t what she wanted to hear,” Eugene explained. “She knows you’re gay and is really happy for you, against your mom’s expectations and wishes that she’d be ashamed.”

“That was the first time they’ve talked about my sexuality, right? Because I never came out to her. I assume Maxwell brought it up for some reason because I came out to him years ago. Why he’d bring it up now, I don’t know,” Stephen replied. 

“As far as I know, this is the first time Claudia brought it up. I assume if they’d talked about it before, your mother would’ve gotten angry or cut her off. She wasn’t happy today,” Eugene said bluntly. It wouldn’t do any good to sugarcoat the truth when Stephen already knew all of this. 

“Great! Mom’s already mad enough at me for coming out and being proud of myself. I bet I ruined her relationship with Aunt Claudia because I blabbed and Maxwell clearly takes after Mom since he outed me for no reason!” Stephen snapped. He took a deep breath, his head spinning. “Sorry for yelling, Dad.” 

“I don’t need you to apologize. You have every right to be hurt, for a lot of reasons,” Eugene said. “But to make a long story short, she told me flat out that she wouldn’t be talking to you today and then left for work at the same time she always does.” 

“Can I talk to Victor at least? I don’t care if she doesn’t want to talk to me, but I can’t ignore him,” Stephen pleaded. “I can’t not be there for him on his birthday, that’s cruel!”

“I know you want to be there for your brother, it’s okay. That’s the good news and why I called you. Give me a minute,” Eugene replied. 

Stephen mumbled some kind of response, slowly but impatiently shifting his weight from side to side. He was thinking about blowing off the rest of his classes for the day, emotional exhaustion overtaking him. He could usually power through things like this, as he was used to his mother steadfastly refusing to accept him. Today she and her hatred actively prevented Stephen from wishing his little brother a happy birthday, and that was too damn much. The fact that his cousin suddenly outed him almost three years after Stephen came out was only making him angrier. Stephen always tried to do the best that he could for his family, especially his younger sibling(s), and was even more protective of Victor in the wake of Donna’s death. All he wanted was to look after everyone he cared about, and his sexuality didn’t negatively affect his protective oldest child instincts. If anything it made them stronger because Stephen always wanted to be an ally for his siblings. He would always stand up for them when they needed. 

Sometimes he felt like he failed Donna, despite his best efforts to keep her safe and make her happy. Stephen couldn’t fail Victor and let their mother’s actions come between them. He wouldn’t. He looked at his phone to distract himself, editing his coffee order to include a latte for Anthony. He was usually home around this time and would more than likely appreciate the surprise coffee. 

Thinking of his boyfriend, the love of his life and his person, made Stephen smile just enough to prevent him from sobbing in the middle of Starbucks. 

Two (2) minutes that felt like an eternity later, Victor came to the phone. “Hello?” 

“Happy birthday Vic!” Stephen forced a smile, hoping some cheer could be detected in his voice. 

“Thank you,” Victor replied with an emotion that Stephen couldn’t place.

“Sorry I couldn’t be there today or join the family call. I wanted to be part of the call at least, but…”

“It’s okay. I know you care, and I know you wouldn’t forget my birthday just because you’re busy.”

“Right… busy!” Stephen’s laugh was forced. “I would never miss your birthday, and not just because I have a flawless memory.” 

“I was just starting to miss you until you said that. Damn shame.” 

“Not only is today your birthday, it’s apparently also the start of you acting like the smartass you‘ve grown up to be,” Stephen quipped. Eugene’s noisy laughter could be heard even over the phone. 

“I didn’t come into this world as a smartass like you. I had to learn from you, unfortunately,” Victor replied. “And I’m glad to see you’re amused, Dad!” 

“I taught you everything I know, and this is how you thank me?” Stephen asked. 

The barista called out Stephen’s order. 

“Hey I have to get going, but you and Dad should come visit me in New York sometime soon,” Stephen offered. 

“That sounds nice, but you can also just call me. Contrary to popular belief I do want to talk to you on days that aren’t holidays,” Victor replied. “But New York sounds fun.” 

I wish we could talk whenever, like we used to when I was welcome under her roof. 

“I want to go to the city, I’m sick of the neighbors,” Eugene added. “We’ll have to plan a trip, but for now we’ll let you get ready for class.” 

“Thanks Dad. Love you both, and I hope you have a great birthday, Vic!” Stephen hung up before they could reply, grabbed his coffees, and dragged his feet the rest of the way home. 

++++

Anthony was in the kitchen, serenely flipping through a magazine and eating lunch when Stephen trudged in. He paid no mind to the door opening at first, dipping his grilled cheese into the steaming cup of soup beside him and continuing to peruse the pages. 

Stephen smiled fondly at the sight of him, the tiniest bit of joy finding its way to his heart. 

“I got you a latte,” Stephen said, setting both drinks on the counter. 

Anthony gasped, curiously ignoring the coffee completely and standing up to hug Stephen. “Thank you cuore mio.” 

“I figured I’d surprise you since I’m home early,” Stephen replied. He relaxed into the hug, slouching in Anthony’s arms. 

“I appreciate that, but I’m much happier to see you. We both left at weird times this morning so we didn’t get to talk and get ready for the day together like we usually do,” Anthony said, a little pout on his face. 

“Well we’re both home now, and I’m really tired.” Stephen was beyond tired and beyond annoyed, swaying a bit in Anthony’s arms.

Anthony hugged him closer and tighter to steady him. “Let’s go sit. Did you have lunch?” 

“No, I just got coffee and came right home,” Stephen replied. 

Anthony handed over the other half of his sandwich. “Take this then, I just made it. There’s tomato soup too, since Bucky made me go to Panera with him earlier.” 

Stephen was about to object, stopping himself only when he saw the mirthful light in Anthony’s eyes. “What?”

“I mean I don’t mind either way, but I’m giving this to you so you don’t swipe it from me like the mischievous, overgrown British shorthair you are,” Anthony teased. “You’re not subtle.”

“If I was a cat, we both know I’d be a calico,” Stephen replied. 

“I disagree. What are you doing for the rest of the afternoon?” Anthony asked. 

Stephen shrugged. “I kind of want to nap. Preferably with you, under a blanket, and in front of the fireplace.” 

“That sounds nice,” Anthony murmured, reaching up to softly caress Stephen’s cheek. “Let’s go, then.” 

As soon as they were settled, Stephen rested his head on Anthony’s shoulder and practically melted into his side. 

They made idle chatter and finished their lunch, Stephen glancing at his phone every now and then. 

It’s stupid to hope something will change. 

He knew his mom wasn’t going to call him, and that still stung no matter how much he tried to move past it. Stephen also knew she wouldn’t ever accept him again, and she’d continue to use his identity against the rest of the family who he loved and who loved him in return. Be it immediate family or the most distant relatives, Beverly was determined to exile him completely, erasing her oldest son from the family story. 

Victor probably suffered the most from this, aside from obviously Stephen himself. Contrary to what their mother thought, Victor deserved to talk to whoever he wanted on his birthday, including Stephen. Being the middle child, Victor was the link between cautious Stephen and carefree Donna. The three siblings were incredibly close growing up, and their sister’s death took as much of a toll on Victor as it did on Stephen. Stephen almost left home for good a few days after Donna’s funeral, almost leaving his little brother behind. It was impossible to forget anything about that day. 

Stephen knocked on his brother’s door. 

“It’s open!” Victor was sitting on the floor building a Lego castle. 

Stephen sat on the floor across from him. “This looks really good, Vic!” 

“Do you want to help me finish it?” Victor asked. 

“I can’t today. I actually came in to tell you that I might be leaving home for a little bit,” Stephen replied. He rested his head on one of his hands. 

“When do you leave?” Victor asked, still not looking at him. 

“Tonight or early tomorrow. I’m going to New York to help Anthony move,” Stephen said, making up a reason as he finished answering. It was true that he was going to New York to see Anthony, but he couldn’t tell Victor the real reason why. He’d already been through enough the past few days, he didn’t need to know that Stephen and Beverly weren’t on speaking terms as of today. He didn’t need to know that their mother was trying to kick Stephen out. 

Victor just sat quietly and nodded, not registering his brother’s distress. “So you have time to help me build then. Can you hand me that brick, please?” 

Stephen smiled sadly and obliged. 

They were quiet, just working together like nothing was wrong until an overwhelming clamor filled the farmhouse. 

“Dad’s home,” Stephen remarked. 

“Are he and mom arguing?” Victor asked. “Why?”

Stephen knew why, but he held his tongue and just shrugged. “I’m not sure.” 

Victor nodded and went back to building. “Make sure you follow the directions, I want this to be perfect.”

They continued to work diligently, not saying much to each other but listening to the argument from the kitchen. It wasn’t easy to make out what Mr. and Mrs. Strange were saying, but their mutual anger hung in the air long after the conversation ended. The whole house felt different, its welcoming energy replaced with something sinister. 

And then someone knocked on the door. “Boys?” 

“Hi Dad!” Victor said. “You can come in, Stephen is helping me build the castle set that you gave me!”

Eugene walked in, standing in the doorway and watching his sons work for a minute. “Stephen, can I talk with you for a minute? Sorry to tear you away from your building, but you can finish up later. I also brought home dinner. Victor, go eat with Mom before it gets cold.” 

“Cool, thanks Dad!” Victor stepped cautiously over his castle and headed downstairs. 

Stephen was still on the floor, Eugene sitting at Victor’s desk. He didn’t know what this conversation was going to be like, and fear made him snatch the first words without giving them much thought.“Dad, I fucked up.” 

“I’m going to be honest, I don’t see it that way,” Eugene said. 

Stephen had been staring at the carpet until then, looking sharply up at his father. “What?” 

“I said I don’t see it that way. You didn’t mess up,” Eugene repeated himself. 

“Mom wants me to go,” Stephen mumbled. He hung his head again, looking at the carpet. Victor’s room was the only carpeted one in the house, and no one knew why. 

“Your mother also wants me to stop leaving my computer in the dining room since that’s apparently ‘her space,’ but last I checked this is our home and she doesn’t have a monopoly on that room,” Eugene replied. 

Stephen was quiet for a minute. “She says it’s not my home. Not anymore, anyway.” 

“That’s what we were arguing about,” Eugene said. “I came home from work and she told me what you talked about and how she felt. I don’t agree with her.” 

“I wanted to tell you myself,” Stephen muttered. “She had no right to tell you, that’s not what you’re supposed to do!” 

Eugene didn’t say anything, unsure of what he  could say to make this better. 

“I didn’t time this well, I know, and I’m sorry. I should’ve given Mom more time to process losing Donna, and—”

“Stephen, I think your mother would’ve responded the same way if your sister was here. It’s nothing to do with the circumstances and everything to do with her,” Eugene said. 

Stephen nodded slowly. “Are you upset with me Dad?” 

“No I’m not, and I don’t think you should go,” Eugene replied. 

“I probably should, for a few days,” Stephen said. “Anthony’s in New York, and I know I just saw him but I wanted to go visit again before he leaves for boarding school.” 

Eugene nodded. “As long as you’re back at least a day before your school year starts.” 

“Mom isn’t going to want me to come back, but I don’t want to leave Victor! I can’t abandon him!” Stephen said. 

Eugene shook his head. “It’s not up to her. You’re our son, mine and hers equally, and I want you to be home with us while you finish high school. Besides, you and Victor need each other especially now. Your mom isn’t the only one who decides what family means. You are both our sons, and though our family might be a little smaller, we’re still family.” Eugene grabbed a box of tissues from Victor’s desk, handing them to Stephen as he began to cry. 

“Thanks Dad.”

“It’s going to be okay. What day are you planning on going to New York?” 

“I booked a flight for early tomorrow morning, Ant said anytime in the afternoon he’d be around.” 

“And are you going to finally stop pining for each other and tell him how you feel while you’re there?” 

“Dad!” Stephen hesitated before continuing. This was unfamiliar territory, discussing his love life with his father. Eugene knew Anthony and could obviously tell how Stephen felt, but it was weird to talk about this. Still, curiosity got the better of him. “Do you think I should?” 

To make a long story short, that’s how they ended up here, in the apartment they shared with three of their friends while Anthony repeatedly nudged Stephen with his elbow. 

“What do you want?” Stephen muttered, failing to even pretend like he was annoyed. 

“Scoot over so I can go to the kitchen!” Anthony said, the slightest hint of a whine in his voice. 

Stephen shifted and grumbled a little protest as he stood up. 

Anthony smiled and kissed the top of his head. “I’ll be right back, then you can cling to me as much as you want.” 

Stephen sighed, half in teasing exasperation, and looked at his phone again. He was staring daggers at it when Anthony returned, letting it go when he was pulled into a hug. 

“Did you hear back from her yet? What time is the call?” Anthony asked gently, beginning to stroke Stephen’s hair. 

“She hasn’t called yet.” That wasn’t a lie, but Stephen was too upset to give Anthony more details right now. 

Anthony hummed, kissing his head again. “She will.” 

“I don’t— yeah. She will,” Stephen mumbled. Also not a lie, as he was still clinging to the thinnest shred of hope that his mom would change her mind. 

She won’t. 

It doesn’t matter how much she loves Victor and values his happiness, I’m dead to her and that’s final. 

“How was your day?” Stephen asked, eager if not desperate to change the subject. “Did you present the business plan you were telling me about? How did it go?” 

“I did! Honestly it went really well, I wasn’t nervous like I usually am,” Anthony replied. 

Stephen yawned. “I’m so happy for you. Every time you practiced presenting it to me, you were amazing.” He was physically and mentally weary, exhaustion dragging him into a midnight blue haze, but he was never too tired to give Anthony the praise he deserved. 

“Thank you,” Anthony murmured. His eyes were closed, but Stephen could practically hear Anthony’s soft smile. 

“I mean it,” Stephen said. “Love you.” 

He was surrendering to the exhaustion, to the warmth of the fire and the blanket and Anthony’s embrace. Sometimes knowing that Anthony loved him and feeling the manifestations of his love made Stephen feel a little better. This was reprieve, and he was going to revel in it until reality came back to kick his ass. 

Anthony still sounded like he was smiling. “I love you too. Get some rest sleepyhead.” 

++++

Anthony woke up first, his phone ringing loudly from the carpet below. He was going to just ignore it, mistaking the notification for an alarm, until he came to his senses a little more and realized Christine was calling. 

“Your boyfriend is bad at answering his phone,” she’d said. 

“Hello to you too, Christine. He’s sleeping,” Anthony replied. “We both were, actually.” 

“So sorry to have interrupted your mid afternoon nap,” Christine drawled. “But I’m glad you were resting. Stephen seemed really off today during class, and as much as I hate to admit it I was a bit worried.” 

“You’re too much of a helicopter parent friend to pretend like you’re not concerned,” Anthony said. “I can see right through that.” 

Christine just laughed. “Anyway, I know you could talk about Stephen for probably years but I called for a reason.”

“What’s up?” Anthony asked. Stephen was still asleep in his arms, and Anthony tried his best not to disturb him. “Everything okay?”

“Oh yeah I’m fine! I was just gonna ask if you two wanted to go on a double date with me and Hope later? It’s the first night of the carnival,” Christine said. “Sam and Bucky aren’t planning on going until tomorrow because they’re boring, and we want an adventure.” 

“Going out on a Thursday night counts as an adventure?” Anthony asked. 

“Why wouldn’t it?!” Christine protested. “Let me know what you decide to do and just text me or Hope, we can plan to meet up later. I take it Stephen isn’t going to class but I am, so I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Sounds good, bye Christine!” Anthony rolled his eyes in amusement, opening a game on his phone and holding Stephen closer. 

It wasn’t more than twenty minutes later when he woke up, checking his phone and trying to hide his disappointment when his mom didn’t call. 

What did I expect? She made up her mind. 

She doesn’t want to talk to me. 

Why am I pretending she cares, hoping she’ll call? 

Stephen huffed out a sigh, more angry with himself than anything else. 

“Nothing yet?” Anthony asked gently. 

“No,” Stephen replied. He felt anger boiling in his system, unease taking over as he continued to lie and hope that something would change. 

“I’m sorry,” Anthony said. “The day is still young.” 

“I guess that’s true.” Stephen didn’t know if going along with what Anthony said was helping or hurting at this point. “I have a ton of missed calls from Christine though.” 

“Oh yeah, she invited us on a double date with her and Hope since it’s the first night of the carnival,” Anthony replied. “You in?” 

“Not really.” Stephen answered without even giving it much thought. 

“Okay.” Anthony was always so amenable, sensitive, and empathetic, even at the expense of what he wanted. Sometimes Stephen’s heart ached at how selfless Anthony was and how much he cared for people. It was a privilege to be someone Anthony loved, but Stephen had to remind him constantly that relationships were a give and take. He didn’t want to drain Anthony’s kindness, not the way people in his past did. He wanted and tried to be as giving and loving to Anthony as Anthony was to him. 

He didn’t even sound upset about not going out, but Stephen’s anxiety kicked in and convinced him otherwise. “Well wait Ant, what do you want to do?” 

“It might be fun, but—”

“Why not go, then?” 

Anthony was stunned by how fast Stephen changed his mind, trying to read his face for things his words left unsaid. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine… just a little jittery waiting for this stupid call. A distraction might help, and you’re right! It probably will be fun. Plus I don’t want to selfishly keep you from being out with friends, that’s not fair to you.”

“Nope, you stop that right now,” Anthony admonished gently. “If I wanted to go with our friends, I would. I want to spend time with you tonight, whatever that looks like, and we’re both allowed to want things. They don’t have to be the same thing, and you’re not selfish or controlling for disagreeing with me. Believe me?” 

“I wish I could, because I know you mean it. I just feel like a failure since I can’t be there for Victor the way I want,” Stephen replied. “And I know it’s not my fault, but…”

“But it still hurts.” Anthony gently cupped his face and leaned in to kiss him. “Right?” 

Stephen nodded, whispering a pained “yes,” into the kiss. It hurt more than Anthony knew, more than he was ready to discuss. 

“You’re not a failure. You’re just trying to make everyone happy even when the most fucked up circumstances  get in the way. It’s not a bad thing to prioritize yourself, and in fact it’s a good thing to give yourself the kindness you give to others. You have to,” Anthony said, protectively wrapping his arms around Stephen.

“I’m glad you listen to my advice enough to repeat it back to me, at the very least,” Stephen quipped. 

“Yeah yeah, I know I sound like a hypocrite since I—”

“Since you’re not nice to yourself, even though you deserve to be,” Stephen finished his sentence. “I just want to be able to make someone happy today. I want to make you happy.” 

Anthony smiled sadly and kissed him again. “I love you so much, you idiot. You always make me happy, and I’m always here for you.” 

“I know you are. I love you too,” Stephen replied. “A distraction honestly might help me deal with the waiting game, though.” 

“It could!” Anthony nodded, playfully adding, “I’ll make it worth your while.” 

“Oh yeah? How?” Stephen played along. 

“We can start by getting your favorite sushi,” Anthony offered. 

Stephen genuinely smiled at that, attempting to hide it by burying his head in Anthony’s shoulder. “Really?” 

“Why not?” Anthony replied. “It’s been awhile since we went to that restaurant anyway.” 

“It’s been too long,” Stephen corrected him. “I’m not sure if I’m feeling up to being out for dinner and then going out later, though. I feel bad because you’re trying so hard to plan something fun, and—”

“You don’t have to feel bad. It’s not a problem, we can just order in and stay home until later. That’s what I was planning anyway,” Anthony said. “And if you don’t feel like going out tonight, we really don’t have to.” 

“I want to, but I also don’t,” Stephen said. “You know what I mean?” 

Anthony nodded. “Yeah, I do. I’m fine with whatever though, it’s up to you.” 

“Let’s go then. I’m still kind of on the fence, but I’m leaning towards yes.” 

++++

He was just being himself, but Anthony was making good on his little teasing promise to make the fair worth Stephen’s while. He had some magical effect where his smile made anyone’s heart sing, and his spell was especially powerful on Stephen. He was truly having fun, for the most part. His motion sickness didn’t flare up at any point, which meant he could spin a bit faster than normal on the teacups ride. It was exhilarating and just dizzying enough that he leaned slightly into Anthony’s shoulder while the group decided what to do next. Stephen found he was oddly at peace with himself and the evening, probably because of Anthony’s spell. 

“Okay, here’s what I want to know: what the hell is a hall of mirrors?” Anthony asked. 

“How do you not know?” Christine replied, her eyebrows racing up towards her hairline. 

“Never in my life have I been exposed to anything that would entail being in a hall of mirrors,” Anthony muttered. 

“Surely you’ve been to a carnival before, right?” Hope asked. 

“Yes, and amusement parks! But again, I have no idea what it actually is,” Anthony said. “I’ve never seen one until right now.” 

“It’s just as it sounds, Ant. It’s a room full of mirrors, almost like a maze I think, and some of the mirrors are distorted. It’s hard to explain without seeing it, but it’s kind of funny,” Stephen replied. “You’re the only person in life who ever gives me an answer,” Anthony half-joked, linking arms with Stephen. “The only person.” 

“Rude, didn’t I just tell you the other day about—”

“Hope I love you but I made my point very clear,” Anthony teased. “I need to see these mirrors.” 

Stephen smiled. Anthony was so full of an almost childlike wonder, he was kind of like the human equivalent of a ferris wheel… somehow… the comparison made more sense in his head. “This is going to be adorable.” 

“Can we go?” Anthony was almost bubbly with excitement. 

Stephen couldn’t say no to him, and right now he didn’t want to. “Yeah, come on.” 

“It’s this way, let’s go!” Christine pointed vaguely to her left and led the way. 

Stephen didn’t know what Anthony expected to see in a room that was literally just Full Of Mirrors, but his every reaction to it was more endearing than the last. 

“Could you imagine decorating an entire house like this?” He asked, looking around the room. 

“You mean you haven’t?” Christine teased. 

Stephen rolled his eyes. “I can barely stand to look at myself for five minutes, this is like hell on earth. Don’t give Ant any ideas about redecorating our apartment, Christine.” 

“She doesn’t need to, I wouldn’t do it,” Anthony replied. “Even I don’t need to see this much of myself.” 

Christine laughed at their antics before chasing after Hope and giving them a moment alone. There weren’t many other people around, so Stephen had an unobstructed view of several of his reflections checking their phones. 

Anthony was still standing beside him, taking everything in. “You okay?” 

Stephen (and all of his clones) nodded. “Yeah, I guess. Still no updates though.” 

I can’t even be honest with him. I can barely be honest with myself at this point. 

“I’m sorry Steph.”

“It’s okay! I’m probably more anxious than I need to be, it’s really fine.” 

Anthony frowned slightly but didn’t push him. “I feel like there should be at least one control variable, just a basic full body mirror at the beginning and/or end of these things.” 

“There usually is at the end,” Stephen replied. “At least I think. It’s like when you leave home and take another glance at yourself to make sure you look decent. You’re the one who can, and you do, spend five minutes in front of any mirror, so—”

“That’s absolutely not true and you know it. The longest I’ve looked at myself in the front hallway mirror specifically is three minutes tops” 

Stephen rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, babe.” 

They continued their walk around the winding hallways, coming to a stop at a standard mirror just in front of the exits. 

Christine and Hope were chattering outside, looking at a map of the fairground that they’d found somewhere (Stephen hadn’t a clue where, seeing as he wasn’t paying attention at the time). 

“We look cute,” Anthony remarked. 

“You do, I don’t,” Stephen said. 

“No, we both do!” Anthony’s stubbornness was coming out to play, it seemed. “I mean I know you only keep me around because I’m adorable, but I’m probably the luckiest guy in the world to be yours.” 

Stephen blushed and looked at his shoes. “Yeah, I’m only with you because you’re hot and not at all because you’re my best friend who I happen to be madly in love with.” 

“Aww.” Anthony smiled and squeezed Stephen’s hand, leaning up to kiss his cheek. “I love you too, you asshole.” 

Stephen looked up, staring at their reflections and different expressions. His smile was tired and clearly forced, while Anthony’s was genuine and bright. He couldn’t help but sigh, disappointed in himself for not matching his boyfriend’s energy.

“You sure you’re okay?” Anthony asked. 

“I’m trying to be,” Stephen replied. “That’s the best answer I have, and it may not seem like I’m trying very hard, but I am.” 

“I know. Stress and anxiety don’t just go away when you ignore them, unfortunately,” Anthony reminded him. “Attention whores that they are.” 

Stephen laughed, surprised as always by Anthony’s sudden dry delivery and humor. “I feel like you’re what ‘sugar and spice and everything nice’ means, you can go from sweet and calming to making me laugh within the same breath.” He shuffled forward a bit, dropping his head on Anthony’s shoulder. 

“Well I don’t like the implication that I’m nice,” Anthony huffed jokingly. 

“I didn’t really imply it, I’m telling you that you’re nice,” Stephen replied. 

Anthony just rolled his eyes. “That’s your opinion.” 

“I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true, you know I don’t like lying,” Stephen said. 

Except for the fact that I’m so in denial about Mom not calling that I actually am lying to Anthony. He doesn’t deserve that. 

Anthony just shrugged as Stephen looked up at him again. “So when you said that I’m not good at carnival games, that was—”

“That was me trying to encourage you, and while you clearly needed it I don’t think it helped,” Stephen quipped. 

“Rude but true. At least there weren’t a lot of people—”

“Move!” A boisterous group of children who couldn’t be older than 13 ran past, shoving past them on their way to the door. 

Stephen stumbled and fell back against Anthony, which caused one of the group to say something particularly rude. 

Anthony glared at the instigator. “What?” 

“Don’t, it’s not worth it,” Stephen said. 

The same kid laughed, having the audacity to repeat himself before catching up with the rest of the bullies. 

“I don’t know where someone who looks like they’re barely eleven years old learns to talk like that, but they can fuck right off,” Anthony said. 

“You’re right. Honestly I would be more upset if worse things hadn’t happened today, but it’s all relative,” Stephen replied. “I’ll tell you about it later, we should go find Hope and Christine.” 

Anthony nodded, a scowl still on his face when they found and rejoined their friends. 

“Are you self-obsessed idiots done looking at yourselves?” Christine teased. 

“You literally heard me say I can’t stand looking at my reflection for more than five minutes. We were just talking,” Stephen said. 

“Why do people have to be so goddamn ignorant?” Anthony muttered, kicking the dirt in front of him. 

“What happened?” Hope asked. 

“Really nothing, just some middle schoolers being stupid,” Stephen replied. “It’s not a big deal. What are we thinking about doing now?” 

“I want a snack, I think,” Christine said. “Does anyone want cotton candy?” 

“We should get cotton candy!” 

Donna had boundless energy, a zest for life, and a fun-loving mischief about her.  She ran into each day like it was a new adventure, sometimes reckless but always under the protective watch of her brothers. 

“If that’s what you want, Donna, I’ll buy you some.” 

“What about me?” 

Victor didn’t come into the world with a smartass attitude, but he quickly adopted some of Stephen’s mannerisms. He learned how to assert himself and how to be fair, which meant he knew when and how to argue on his own behalf.

“Of course Vic, I’ll get you some too.”

“I want the bubblegum flavor!” 

It was the end of summer, and the Strange family was spending an afternoon at the zoo. Donna loved animals more than almost anything in the world, and all she’d wanted was to spend the day with her family sharing random animal facts and learning as much as she could. Stephen was the one to plan the excursion, the trip occurring the day after he returned from California. He was visiting Anthony for just under two (2) weeks then, that summer their last as ‘just friends.’

Donna was elated when Stephen came home, her little face lighting up when he announced the family outing. 

Outing was an interesting choice of words. 

That day trip was the last time the Strange family was whole. That day was the last day Stephen was worth something in his mom’s eyes, the last time he read his sister a bedtime story after pretending that he didn’t want to. All Stephen did was plan a surprise afternoon for Donna and buy her cotton candy, and she was the happiest he’d ever seen her. It was, in the most tragic sense, the perfect last day. She drowned in the lake the next morning, and Stephen felt like he lost control of his life. Desperate to take it back, and against his better judgement, he came out a few days later. He hoped his mom would be supportive, understanding, and maybe even encouraging, but he was as good as disowned by her that day. 

“Hey… Earth to Steph.” Anthony softly caressed his face. “Stephen?” 

He snapped out of his flashback, probably looking like a deer in the headlights when his eyes met Anthony’s. “Sorry.” 

“I thought you were gonna pass out for a minute,” Anthony said. 

“I’m good. I just zoned out,” Stephen replied. “It’s not even motion sickness, I genuinely stopped listening to whatever you guys were talking about.” 

“So you didn’t hear me ask if any of you wanted cotton candy?” Christine asked. 

“That I did hear.” Stephen heard the sudden brittleness in his voice and steeled himself, subconsciously reaching for Anthony’s hand. 

“I forgot you don’t like sweets that much, sorry man,” Christine replied. 

“That isn’t the problem,” Stephen said. “And that’s not even true.” 

Christine just shrugged. “Alright.” 

Stephen sighed, ignoring the confused look Christine gave him and running his free hand through his hair. He sighed again. “Sorry Christine.” 

“You’re forgiven, Stephen. It’s fine, and sometimes you just have a bad day,” Christine replied. “It’s not like I’ve never gone off on you before.” 

“I wouldn’t call that going off, I’ve used all of my self restraint today,” Stephen said. “But thanks.” 

He sighed for the third time and leaned against Anthony’s shoulder. 

“You okay?” Anthony asked gently. 

Stephen looked at his phone again. “Still no updates.”

Anthony frowned, concern and understanding written all over his face. “That’s shitty.” 

“You’re right about that,” Stephen replied, laughing despite himself at how direct Anthony’s delivery was. “Rollercoaster?” 

“Damnit, I thought I was enough of a thrill for you,” Anthony teased. 

Stephen rolled his eyes. “You are, you dumbass. I just thought it’d be fun.” 

“I’m not disagreeing! I’m in,” Anthony replied. 

“The line isn’t too long, y’all should go now,” Hope said. “We’re getting popcorn, and then we can ride the teacups again before leaving if you guys want?” 

“Sure,” Anthony said. 

Stephen just nodded. He’d had a good time, but honestly just wanted to go home and pretend like today didn’t happen. 

“We can hold your shit too, if you want,” Christine offered. 

“Thank you for not bringing up the Great Adventure mishap,” Anthony replied, handing Christine his bag. 

“Not sure if I’d call forgetting to take off your sunglasses a mishap,” Stephen quipped, also handing over his bag. 

Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll have called by the time we’re back. 

If I asked a magic 8 ball what the chances were of that happening, I think it’d tell me to go fuck myself. 

“What would you call it, then?” Anthony asked indignantly. 

“Unfortunate, and a consequence of you not listening to me when I said not to wear them,” Stephen replied. 

“You’re both wrong, that’s just Ant’s smooth brain energy hard at work,” Hope said. 

Anthony rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry that wearing sunglasses is such a big part of my personal brand! Whatever, see you two in a bit!” 

Hope and Christine probably rolled their eyes as Stephen and Anthony went on their way, but all in good fun. 

Stephen was starting to feel a little better while they queued for the rollercoaster. He’d always liked them and they never made him dizzy which really helped. Coasters were sort of like a spontaneous thought process in his mind. There were digressions, breakthroughs and thoughts that were best left alone, and something to look forward to at every corner. Stephen felt like there was less time for self loathing on a rollercoaster, less time to hone in on certain things while he was moving so fast. He definitely preferred rollercoasters to tilt-a-whirl type things, even though he didn’t hate the spinning teacup ride they ended the night with. There was just more sitting still involved somehow, which meant more opportunities for self loathing. The pattern of the ride mirrored the circular thought process he slipped into, almost like he was cycling through stages of grief. Stephen wasn’t sure if he was angrier with Beverly for how she treated him or with himself for hoping she’d call, and he hadn’t even made it out of the denial stage. To his expected disappointment, there were no calls from his mom when he checked his phone on the ride home. 

I don’t know what I expected. 

I keep telling myself that I’m dead to her and it doesn’t seem to sink in. 

I know it’s true, and all of this might hurt less if I just accept that. 

Christine and Hope were bickering about something in the front of their car, and Stephen didn’t have a clue what it was. He’d tuned them out again, despondently resting his head on Anthony’s shoulder as Christine navigated the traffic. 

“Ant?” Stephen’s voice was hushed and straining as he tried not to cry. 

Anthony hummed. “That’s me.”

Stephen smiled sadly. “She’s not going to call, Anthony.”

“The night is still—”

“No! No, I mean she’s… I’ll tell you when we get home.” Stephen was trembling now, overwhelmed with everything that he was feeling. 

“Okay,” Anthony murmured, softly kissing his head. His heart broke as Stephen  started crying into his shoulder. “I love you.” 

Stephen barely fought back a sob. Sometimes he needed reminders that people loved and cared about him, but he was always ashamed to ask. He was getting slowly better at asking for affection, but verbal reassurance was a completely separate beast. When it came to dealing with his mother, he needed to hear that he was loved and valued for who he was to try and combat the self loathing that followed their conversations. He needed help getting his confidence and self assurance back. He didn’t like to be so vulnerable, but Stephen couldn’t deny that sometimes he just wanted to feel loved and safe. Anthony, affectionate and protective and caring and sweet, always knew when Stephen needed these loving affirmations and always provided them. “I love you too.” 

“It’s okay. We’ll be home soon, mia vita,” Anthony soothed. He reached for one of Stephen’s hands, holding it in both of his own. “Ti amo con tutto ciò che sono e con tutto ciò che sarò.”

He loves me… 

++++

There was always something sweet about coming home to a loud house. The noise could be jarring, a pleasant consequence of 5 relatively loud friends living together, but it served as a welcoming of sorts. Today it was even louder when Stephen and Anthony got home, thanks mostly to an argument between Sam and Wong. Standing between them, Bruce was acting like a moderator of sorts. 

“The lovebirds are back!” Wong announced, interrupting what looked like a heated rebuttal from Sam. “How was the carnival?”

“It was good! I tried to win one of those balloon dart games,” Anthony replied. 

“Keyword is ‘tried,’ guys,” Stephen added. 

“I was too busy thinking about what prize to win since I wanted to give Steph something cute, but it didn’t really go to plan,” Anthony said. 

“Next time babe, I believe in you!” Stephen cheered as brightly as he could. He was tired of faking a smile, tired of hoping his mom would come around. 

She’s never going to change her mind. 

“Maybe we should’ve gone tonight, I feel like it’s going to be more crowded tomorrow,” Sam said. 

“I think it depends on when you go,” Anthony replied. “Speaking of going places, you know your man dragged me to Panera with him earlier.”

“I told you! Nothing comes between Bucky and a bread bowl,” Sam said, rolling his eyes. “What time do you think is the best to go tomorrow night?” 

Stephen shrugged. “Probably 8? I don’t know. Most of the lines move relatively fast so you should be fine.” 

“Don’t worry Sam, if the grumpiest boy on the Eastern seaboard says you’ll be fine, you’ll definitely be good,” Wong teased.

“That’s rich coming from you.” Stephen turned on his heel and left, retreating to the comfort of his bedroom. 

“Did I upset him?” Wong asked, mostly addressing Anthony. “I didn’t mean to.” 

“Something is bothering him,” Anthony replied. It wasn’t his business to go into detail, nor was he the gatekeeper of what problems Stephen chose to share with their friends. “He should be okay, but I’m gonna go keep him company.” 

Anthony headed for his bedroom, bringing the conversation to a halt. Stephen had closed the door, which wasn’t unusual but Anthony still didn’t want to just open it in case Stephen wanted to be completely alone. 

He knocked quietly yet audibly to avoid startling Stephen. “Hey, it’s just me. Can I come in?” 

“Yeah, ‘course,” Stephen mumbled. He was curled up on their bed, trembling as he looked up at the ceiling. 

It was warm in their room as per usual, so Anthony knew Stephen wasn’t shivering from cold. 

Stephen felt the bed dip as his boyfriend sat beside him, and he closed his eyes as Anthony began to gently massage his scalp. 

“Wong and Christine are probably angry with me,” Stephen said after a while. 

“Wong didn’t mean to upset you,” Anthony replied. “Neither did Christine. And I think they understand that you’re not purposefully antagonizing them.” 

Stephen sat up, the intense mix of emotion in eyes burning a hole in the ceiling as he leaned against the headboard and a pile of throw pillows. 

Anthony shifted just enough to rest his head on Stephen’s shoulder, silently reminding him that he wasn’t alone. He offered one of his hands, Stephen holding it gently. He drew figure eights on Anthony’s upturned palm as he thought, the motion soothing as he started talking. 

“Before I came home today, when I went to Starbucks, I got a call from my dad,” Stephen began. “Mom changed the plan for today, he said. I don’t know what she did specifically but all that matters is that she rearranged the family call so I couldn’t join. That was her way of telling me she’s mad at me without having to burden herself by speaking with me.” 

Anthony shifted to straddle him, comfortingly resting his hands on Stephen’s arms. Stephen didn’t meet his concerned gaze.“I’m sorry.” 

“It gets worse. When I said earlier that I’ve dealt with worse things today than some homophobic children, all of this is what I mean.” Stephen was still staring upwards, as if their ceiling had an answer he didn’t. “I got to talk to Vic, which was most important to me. We didn’t talk for very long since I was planning on going to my next class at that point, but I got to wish him a happy birthday and apologize for not being able to join the call. He wasn’t upset with me, he understood and we left things on the same good terms. I didn’t tell him why I couldn’t join, but I’m sure he knows. I’m sure he’s figured out why Mom and I don’t talk, he knows enough of the story to figure it out.” 

He was crying now, all of his emotions boiling over. He was livid, devastated, and afraid for some reason, hiding his face in his hands. 

Anthony was silent, taking both of Stephen’s hands and letting him cry until he’d somewhat calmed down. 

“Sorry,” Stephen mumbled. He rested their joined hands in his lap and turned his teary gaze on Anthony. “I've not even finished the story and I’m already a mess.”

“It’s okay Steph, you don’t have to be.” Anthony brushed a few stray tears off Stephen’s face. 

Stephen sighed. “I knew by the time I got home that she wasn’t going to call me. That’s why I came back, honestly. I didn’t want to sit through my classes thinking about it, thinking about how I’m… thinking about how she wouldn’t call. I tried to make myself tell you earlier, but I can barely come to terms with all of this in my own head. I wasn’t trying to lie to you when you said she might call, I promise. I was just holding onto the smallest wisp of hope that maybe she’d change her mind.” 

“I don’t feel like you lied to me,” Anthony replied, one of his hands again finding its way to playing with Stephen’s hair. “I’m sorry I was so insistent in saying she’d call. I was trying to reassure you.”

“I know,” Stephen said. “It helped a little, especially since I was trying to convince myself that she’d end up calling. But she never did, Anthony, and she won’t. Dad said she told him directly that she wasn’t going to talk to me, so why am I such a fool and still hoping she’ll come around? I’m dead to her and I should be able to understand that!” 

“I imagine you’re trying to make yourself accept it so you can move on, right?” Anthony asked. 

Stephen nodded frantically, his eyes shut tight as he began to cry again. “I know that’s not the best way to deal with things, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t expect her to accept me anytime soon, and I know my family isn’t going to ever feel whole again. But I ruined Victor’s birthday by not showing up for him with the rest of the family! I would’ve joined the call if she wasn’t mad at me, and I didn’t even fucking do anything!” 

Stephen was crying more out of anger than sadness, resting his head on Anthony’s shoulder and subconsciously pinching his forearm. 

Anthony hugged him, both to reassure Stephen and to keep him from hurting himself in anger. “You haven’t failed him. You did what you could and made the best out of an awful, fucked up situation.” 

Stephen just nodded, hearing Anthony’s message but not fully listening “Speaking of fucked up, and this is actually probably the thing I’m most upset about, you know my cousin Maxwell?”

"Yeah.”

 “He took a page out of my mom’s book and outed me to my aunt.” 

“Jesus Christ.” Now Anthony looked as angry as Stephen felt, a storm brewing in his eyes. 

“I’m lucky because my aunt Claudia is great, and she’s really accepting but that obviously pissed my mom off so now she’s mad at her sister and at me,” Stephen said.

“That’s good about your aunt, but why the fuck would your cousin do that?” Anthony asked. 

“He might have thought she already knew, I don’t know. It’s not okay that he did it, but it’s a relief to know that at least she took it well. I was worried she’d make fun of me since she always likes to prank and make me the butt of the joke, and even that would be fine compared to my mom’s response,” Stephen replied. “If I got over this faster I wouldn’t have taken all the fun out of tonight.” 

“Hey, stop that,” Anthony murmured. “You didn’t! I like being around you no matter what mood you’re in, and I’m always here for you. That includes when things aren’t going well, by the way. My love for you isn’t conditional.” 

Stephen looked up enough just to see Anthony’s face. “Do you think she’s ever going to come around? And not just today, but in general?” 

“I hope so,” Anthony replied. “You don’t deserve to deal with this from her, or from anyone but least of all your own mother, and I hope she understands that sooner rather than later. But I can’t say with certainty what she’s going to do.” 

“I just want today to be over,” Stephen said with a sigh. “I mean I did have fun tonight, but spending the entire day attached to my phone and trying to ignore what I already know wasn’t really nice.” 

Anthony nodded. “Why don’t we get ready for bed then? We can put it all behind us and start over tomorrow.” 

“That sounds good,” Stephen whispered. “I know I won’t ever forget this, but just for now I want to set it aside.” 

++++

The day should’ve ended there, with slight banter and falling into bed with the person Stephen loved most in the world. But of course it didn’t, of course the powers that controlled his life had to have the last laugh. He’d just closed his eyes and was starting to slip away, content as Anthony pulled up one of their nighttime playlists and hummed along to whatever song was playing. Stephen was the little spoon tonight, feeling loved and secure and safe in the dark of their bedroom and Anthony’s arms. He was finally starting to relax, and then the phone rang.  

He didn’t expect it and was annoyed when he heard the first notes of his ringtone, but he answered anyway thinking it was one of their friends. Thor especially had a tendency to call people earlier in the morning or later at night. “Hello?”

Despite having called him, the person on the other end of the line responded with a hasty “I must’ve misdialed. Don’t call back.”  

Oh my god. 

The cold, familiar voice ringing out over the speakerphone made Stephen’s heart stop. 

SHE CALLED! 

“No Mom, wait! I didn’t think you were going to call.” 

“I don’t consider you my son, I don’t know why you keep calling me your mother,” Beverly replied. “I told you, I misdialed. I wouldn’t go out of my way to speak with you, not after you continuously cast shame onto my family.” 

“Not even today? On Victor’s birthday?” Stephen asked. 

Beverly scoffed. “No, and don’t even say his name! You and Victor aren’t brothers anymore, you decided that for yourself, and I’ll not have any outside influences corrupting my only son!” She hung up before Stephen could defend himself, the dial tone uncomfortably loud. 

Stephen wasn’t sure what to do. A sharp, stabbing numbness seized his body and he curled in on himself to escape the onslaught of emotion hanging over his head. He turned onto his other side, burying his head in Anthony’s chest and failing to keep himself from crying. 

“None of what she told you is true,” Anthony said. “Not a damn thing. You—”

Stephen shook his head. “Anthony, don't talk. Please, I’m sorry, I love you and I love your voice but I can’t… it’s too much…” 

Anthony shushed him softly, carding his hand through Stephen’s hair again. He wanted to say something, to tell Stephen that he didn’t have to apologize, but that wouldn’t do any good. Instead, he just hugged Stephen tighter and gave him a soft kiss. Sometimes love was best conveyed in actions. 

This is just like when I left after the funeral, when we hid from the outside world together. No one makes me feel at home the way Anthony does. 

Stephen was too used to crying in Anthony’s arms because of things his mother… because of things Beverly told him. He knew he could run and hide from this or any problem with Anthony, and he’d always be safe and accepted and home. The thought was comforting, especially to the part of Stephen’s mind that was loath and afraid to confront the truth. 

Eventually I’m going to have to process this fully and give myself the time to do it. I know myself, and I’m not going to change for anyone. Why should I have to? 

Stephen shifted closer to Anthony, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. He rested his head on Anthony’s shoulder, the tiniest smile on his face. 

How does he already have bedhead? Adorable. 

Despite saying that he wasn’t tired, Anthony was already falling asleep. “Need anything?” 

Stephen shook his head and softly kissed Anthony’s cheek. “I’ll be fine. I’m just as tired as you, if not more.” 

“Doubtful.”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you just scoffed at me.” 

“I didn’t!” 

Stephen rolled his eyes and leaned up to kiss Anthony’s cheek. “I love you. Thank you.” 

“I didn’t do anything, really, and I love you too,” Anthony replied with a yawn. 

“You’ve done more for me than you realize, and I think you know it,” Stephen murmured. 

Already falling asleep, Anthony didn’t respond verbally. He just hugged Stephen closer, again saying much more than words ever could. 

tags: @stark-strange-love2 @taruyison @kitkatfat15 @katninjagirl97 @spookywizardboy @ocforeverything @ironstrange-chaos @chocopiggy @lokis-leah @majesticnerdynerd @maya-custodios-dionach @thespacecryptid @kiwidino @doctorstephenvincentstarkstrange 

[watchyourbluesturngolden]

my annotations for chappy 11 of ysijwa

this is just for drea and leyla to read so if you're not drea or leyla pls keep scrolling :)

ok this is pretty chaotic and like i said earlier i treated this ike a wattpad comment section so... have fun ig :)

SHERLOCK AND WATSON CINEMATIC UNIVERSE SHUT UPPPPP I LOVE YOU SM DREA

NOT MISS SNAP CRACKLE POP

jealous y/n you say???

now i know why you ignored all my tiktok asks lmao

HELPLESS OH MY GOD

truly madly deeply intended :)

damn he's kind of a narcissist yk? like "I have to be serious my entire family depends on it" shut up mr darcy you're not special

devout in his religion hmmmmmm hopefully we see some more religious trauma content bc me too vampy

awww he wants kids but now he cant have them bc hes... dead :(

AWWW his sister taught him to knit :( if he doesn't knit bloodbag a sweater i swear to god

stuffy moron is correct

"IT'S A FUCKING WONDER HE EVER GOT LAID" OIJRIOJWEIOJIEWOJFIOEJOF

"THE ATROCITY THAT IS BEING ACQUAINTED WITH NIALL AND HIS HORRIBLE AFFINITY FOR CHEAP FLANEL" ORJFOIJFEIOWJ YOURE SUCH A POET

he's so dumb she was with him bc he's hot that much should be obvious to him🙄

FOOLISHLY HOPELESSLY UNMEASURABLY IN LOVE HWAT THE FUCK DREA IM SAD

i love that he remembers the spinal cord dislocation and the dead leaves . like yea im dead rn but the leaves in my hair are really what's bothering me the most

what the fuck is a maw

ok i looked it up i get it now

"attachment is for gullible idiots" yup and youre one of them vampy 😌

"the warmest skin his icy fingers had ever had the good fortune to touch" im so soft rn

oh so now she has "a wholesome beauty about her nature" ? i thought she was just cute enough 🤨

HE THINKS HER SMILE COULD RESTART HIS HEART THATS SO CUTE IM OUHOIJFOEWIJFIOEWJ

"the responsibility of keeping her safe, satisfied, and happy" how 🥺 🥺🥺

"as long as he breathes" i thought he didn't breathe lmao BUT I GET THE SENTIMENT

"always when it comes to her" IM SCREAMING RN THIS IS SO SOFT I CANT

ill never forgive him for being so dense either his brain is basically a rock

HE WANTED TO COMMUNICATE THAT HE BELONGED TO HER IM GONNA HAVE A STROKE

couldnt be me i dont want to be percieved

HE ADDED A FUCKING BUTTERFLY AFTER THE DISCO BALLS IM OIWFJIOEWJFIOEJIOEWNOJIWJ(*H(WUIOFJIOEWJFIOWHVIFUEH)U)($UT

HEY a hamilton obsession is not childish😤

'the only person who was allowed to touch him there was y/n' he's like a little kid who's possessive omggggggg

oh this reminds me i rlly hope everything in that chest was new and had never been used on anyone else owijfowiejfioewj

oh please my irish king can control himself let y/n meet the other vamps🙄

"if they knew all along why did it take so long" yk im wondering the same thing dummy

"every day was a battle to earn her love and affection" wtffff how could she hurt him like that he is just a baby

i think he needs therapy tbh

yes he does deserve to be treated with respect and dignity😤

"supporting and tolerating them despite your differences" exactly unless they're a republican

IM SORRY THAT WAS MEAN OIWFJOIWJFEIOw i said what i said tho

they did everything backwards but it's what baby needed🥺

im literally gonna 🔪 bradley how dare he hurt my favorite ribeye like that

PROPER BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND BONDING PLSSSSS im sure he makes sure to say stuff like "as your boyfriend' or 'since youre my girlfriend' all the time now

"everything that has to do with harry has always and will always make her feel safe and secure" ...who's gonna tell her👀

HE BECOMES CLINGY IVE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS ONE TURN IT UP

awwww my love language is also quality times bestiesssssss

(this is more serious you might want to change the words to nose kisses or something because esk*mo is a slur)

HE wants to be wrapped in HER arms and get forehead kissies like a little baby🥺🥺

i can tell you wrote this chappy bc leyla would never write about ice cream

IF CHRIST CAN GET A DATE MARKER SO CAN HARRY OIFJOEIWJFIOEWJFWI PLSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE HIM

ALWAYS FOR HER WEJFIOJWEIOFJEWIOFJOIEWJFOIEWJF HES SO IN LOOOOOVE

HE DID IT AND IM SO PROUD OF HIM🥺

omg i have a thot imagine if she got a heart murmur or something and obvi he knows bc he can hear it so now he has to find a way to make her get it checked out out without being suspicious 😭

HE ROCKS HER TO CALM HER DOWN WHEN SHES HAVING NIGHTMARES IJFEOWIJFOIWEFJ

“nearly blinds himself for eternity” what a drama queen i love him

maybe learn how to turn your brightness down grandpa

“can women sense emotional distress” why is this so funny oiewfjwieojfioewj

DEHUMANIZING OWEIJOIAJAKLFSDJLKSDJFKLD

not a psychotic episode 😭😭

crippling mommy issues woejfkljdklsjsdf me too king

awwwww he made her a full buffet i would cry

matchy socks im gonna sob

king is a chef 😌

y/n’s head @ harry’s clavicle rn: 💥

“his plush chest” drea its ok you can say titties

“absolutely flawless”? are you sure shes not just cute enough 🤨

he got her oat milk 🥺the sign of true love

hes such a shithead i love him

SPELLING HIS NAM E ON HER TUMMY IM HAVING ANOTHER STROKE

“I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE YOU ALL ALONE” HES SO WOIFJSJFSDKJKLSDJF

HE DIDNT HAVE TO DO NIALL LIKE THAT 😭😭

RAPUNZEL HAIR OSIDJSKJKLSJF

she traces a tiny heart on him wtfffffffffff im sad

this… is hot

“theres no room on the counter” owifjlksjfslkfjklsj

HE WOULD WALK THROUGH FIRE FOR HER maybe then he’d be a little less cold

im sorry that was wrong of me lisjfskldjfwoiejewiojrei

OH MY GOD OWEIJFKLJSKLFJL SHES SO BOLD “can’t i?” OSIJFKSLJLKJF

oh boy hes gonna kill her

I WONDERED WHEN THE YOURE HOT WHEN YOURE MEAN THING WAS GOING TO COME UP

literally shut the fuck up mr english major

do it bestie kick him in the balls

SPARE BOOBIES MAAM I CNAT BELIEVE YOU aCTUALLY WROTE THAT OWIFEJWIJEKLJFOIEWHOEWIFEHFLKEWJFKLEWJKLJFL

IM WHITE IM ALLERGIC TO SPICE WEJFLKJFKLEJFLKJSKLJKFSJD

“character development at its finest” what a self aware king

y/n stop being mean to him baby just wants to feel close ☹️

“I’m anemic” ok king whatever u say

“ME AND MY CHRONIC ILLNESS IM SENSITIVE” IJFKLSDJFKLJSDKLJ

ahhhhhhh it’s yoga time

“just ask your cervix” jlksdjflksdjflkdsjflk

“if only you knew” ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

yeah y/n isnt like those other girls 🤪 shes different 🤪

yes bestie objectify him

THERE IT IS MY FAVORITE LINE IN THIS ENTRIE BOOK

PERHAPS MY FAVORITE LINE IN ANY BOOK EVER

“He hasn't been this stiff since rigor mortis”

i think about this on a daily basis i truly do

grey shorts? what a slut

“call the lapd im pressing charges” me after walking up the stairs

OH SO THIS IS WHERE THE GREYS ANATOMY CHARACTERS FROM THE SPOILERS WITHOUT CONTEXT COME IN

him using his shirt as a towel im BARKING

“I wasnt jealous” yea ok 😃

AGAIN HIM DRAWING HIS INITIALS ON HER SKIN THATS SO WOIJFSKLDJFLSJ

yeah harold she just wanted a little kiss 😤

yeah 😃 its bc he ran track 😃

no bc thats so fucking cute that she pretended she had never seen the show before bc he was excited to introduce her to it 🥺

I would do the same tbh i feel like it would be fun to wash dishes with harry idk why

“that skank” oisjksldfjklsjfklsdjflkd

YOUR THICK SKULL COULD DAMAGE THE MARBLE LSKFJKLDSJKFLSDJFKLSJFKLSJKLSJLDKFJLSKDJF I WOULD CRY

he gets her a cup of water 🥺

ok but like wouldn't she want to wash her hair after it got all sweaty at yoga

awwwww she got his toothbrush ready for him why am i so soft rn

memory foam mattresses sound nice but actually they kind of suck bc you sink down and feel trapped in them 😃

HE WATCHED THE TIKTOK SHE SENT HIM IM HAVING A THIRD STROKE

niall is probably on the dumbest side of tiktok idek what side but it’s probably annoying and he thinks it’s hilarious

noooo baby youre not a monster🥺 someone give him a hug rn

well actually you are kind of a monster but its ok we still love u bestie

I too run on caffeine and pizza pockets 😌

TONSIL HOCKEY WHAT THE FUCK OIEJFLSDKJFKLSDJFLSJLKFJSDKLFJ

chatsnap hes such an old man 😭

true lmao if you dont have social media i immediately dont trust you

not the i just washed my hands tiktok 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

HE FEELS STRANGELY PERCIEVED RN KJFLSJFLKSDJ IDK WHY THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME BUT IM LIKE LEGIT LAUGHING

DO IT BESTIE BITE HIM CHOMP CHOMP

“my eyes are stinging” hes such a baby 😭

“MY SIGH”TS ALL FUZZY” SJFKDSLJFLKDSJFLKDSJFLK

“are you all right” “I dont know :(’ i cant handle this my face hurts from smiling lksjflkjafklj

he has a kitchenaid stand mixer omg thats so sexy

ok but has anyone ever gotten salmonella from raw cookie dough bc i think thats just a myth

fuck u for that one vampy

wow he could never deal with my chronically ill ass

WAIT IS IT WAP

NOPE ITS BETTER LSDFJSDKLFJDS

I agree body is absolutely an instrumental masterpiece

I KNEW HE KNOWS SOME TIKTOK DANCES I KNEW IT

“I know youre kinda into that (getting smacked in the face)” SHUT UPPPPPPP SKJFSKDLJFDS

NOT HIM TWERKING SLKFJSDKLFJDSKLFJDSKL

YES YN GET THAT VIDEO AND BLACKMAIL HIM

“I think i popped something” ok old man 😭

why is the word wench so funny lkfjslkfjdslkfjsdlkfj

dont hand it over i want to see him snap

OH SHIT HE JUST JUMPED THE TABLE LSDFJSDKLFJLKDNMNXCMNJKHOIUIOEUR

oooooooooooo

OH MY GOD AGAIN SHE REALLY IS BOLD SLKDFJDSKLFJLSKDJFLKJFS

not guerrilla warfare 😭😭😭😭

do it bestie give him a concussion he deserves it

“no piece of art could ever compare to her” 🥺🥺

“remember that time you told me making out was childish” “no” i hate him 😭

THERE IT IS AGAIN “sex isnt the only way he can feel close to someone anymore” SHUT THE FUCK UP IM SOBBING

this reminds me of the dehydrated intercourse with demonrry

“don’t care, relationships are about sharing’ hes so sdjfksldjfklsjf

DO IT BESTIE KICK HIS KNEECAPS IN

suing disney for false advertisement 😭

THIS SCENE IS KILLING ME LKJFKLSJFLDSJ “just pucker your lips over it” “You have actual brain damage, dont you?” DREA I LOVE YOU KSDJFLDSKJFLKSDJ

how do those bubbles taste babe

ok drea wtf i was so happy and now this??????

“everything’s wrong” NO SHUT UP SHUT UP ITS HAPPY HOURS

not the boob privileges 😭

WAIT THIS IS FROM THE BSE MV ISNT IT “dance is just so hot rn” “depressing shades are just so hot rn”

NOT HIM GETTING ALL STUTTERY WHEN HE ASKS HER IF SHE WANTS A DRAWER 🥺

NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS GENTLE WITH HIM BEFORE WTFFFFFFFF IM CRYING

“youre so fucking cute, my baby” me when i see literally any picture of him

JELLO HAS a STRONGER BACKBONE THAN THIS KSFJSDKLFJDSKLFJ

“betrayed. objectified. taken advantage of. used. “ i hate him sm 😭😭

OH MY GOD IS SHE GONNA SHAVE HIS FACE THATS SO CUTE IM

SHE ISsSSSSS IM SQUEALING

stop him worrying she’ll think it's weird and wont want to do it 🥺

“bold of you to assume id ever be convicted” PLS DREA LAKFJDKSLFJ

“the more you talk, the more appealing manslaughter sounds” I CHOKED DLSKFJDSKLFJDKSJFDSKLJ

HIM WHISTLING TO GET HER ATTENTION WHY IS THAT SO CUTE

Im sorry but its really funny to me how you wrote the sentence “wrong metal, he thinks ironically” … get it ? like IRONically lkfjdslkfj im sorry i’ll show myself out

“this boy?” what a fucking cutie i want to kick him

I forgot what a bop helpless is thanks for reminding me im gonna go listen to the entire soundtrack again-

theyre so fucking cute i hate them

so yea bascally this is the best thing ive ever read and i love you so much and my face hurts from smiling :)))

[takaraphoenix]

Hi! What are your thoughts about OUAT.

That’s a complex, layered answer because my feelings for OUaT are very complex. The short of it is that, obsession and love level wise, this was my Shadowhunters before Shadowhunters existed as a show. I completely loved and adored this show, I watched every episode as soon as it came out, with a single-minded focus (as in: normally, when watching TV, I use the show as a background noise to my writing. There is only a select handful of TV shows that ever managed to get my full, undivided attention of me turning all else off to only focus on the show).

I love OUaT to bits and pieces. However, much like Shadowhunters, it was far from a flawless show. Very, very, very far. Seriously, it’s an absolute mess in many aspects but damn do I love it.

It appeals to many of the things I love. For one, classic Disney movies. For another, fairy tales - but the very specific niche genre of fairy tale crossovers, which is just... my biggest weakness, possibly. Thirdly, characters you can get invested in and love to bits and pieces.And fourth, shipping.

This is one of the incredibly small, tiny pool of shows where I absolutely adore the canon ships, not just in a “daw it’s cute enough” way that makes me accept that it is The Canon Ship That’s Happening, but in a way that has me actively invested in and rooting for those absolute dumbasses. And. Not just one ship, usually it’s like “huh I am surprisingly invested in this one ship”, but - Rumpel/Belle, Hook/Emma, David/Snow?? Yes, please, inject it into my veins.

Though also just as attached to my non-canon ships - REGINA/EMMA FOR LIFE, Ruby/Snow, Hook/David. And that duality of being really invested in the non-canon ships but still absolutely loving the canon ships? That is... completely and entirely unique to OUaT for me. Never happened outside this show.

I adore that this show did one of the things that I complained Descendants didn’t - it respects Snow White, the very first Disney princess, and puts her front and center. Never-ever made sense to me that Descendants just went “uuuh we at random picked Belle to rule all the kingdoms because I dunno the head writer loves Beauty and the Beast the most”... Snow White was Disney’s very first and I do think she deserves more respect.

The things they did with her! They made her an actual active heroine. Not a little girl hiding out in the woods. They explored possibilities and turned her into a total badass, who never lost the main qualities of Disney’s Snow White though. Her nurturing, loving, gentle soul. That is what I adore about her, because very often when trying to portray strong female characters, media removes their softness, makes them hardened to make them a badass.

Regina and Emma have such a brilliant canon dynamic - even beyond the fanon ship. The way they mended and grew together and became friends. The growth, the softness, the shared custody. I love them.

And with both Regina and Rumpel, I love the day they gradually progressed from “main antagonist from season 1″ to “part of the family”. This show is a found family feast.

It wasn’t flawless. It had some pacing issues, in my opinion. Like the Peter Pan arc was too long. They went hiking for like 12 episodes. That one still sticks with me as having bored me. And I also do think it was a huge mistake to make Peter Pan, one of Disney’s heroes a villain. He was a great villain and his actor absolutely killed it, don’t get me wrong, but in the context of Disney canon, it was a bit jarring.

The same is to be said about Arthur. Don’t take King Arthur, of all people, and turn him into a jackass. That didn’t sit right with me and I think that could, and should, have been handled differently.

As a huge fan of Wizard of Oz canon, I have mixed feelings about Zelina. She was kind of a joke most of the time, her raping Robin was not good at all (beeecause that’s what it is when you shapeshift into the person the other one loves and then have sex with them under pretense to get yourself pregnant), but in the end it - and her - fit relatively well into all of this.

Was completely wasted for the entire Frozen arc, but even I, someone who loathes that movie with a burning passion, genuinely enjoyed the way the show was trying to fix it? Answer all the unanswered question the movie left and actually tie it into the Snow Queen fairy tale? Like, that was a feast and I love that they did that. Also Ingrid was hot and checked all my boxes so there’s that.

In the same way, I adore what they did with Ursula. That they took the scraped canon of Ursula being Triton’s sister and worked with that and that they in the end decided to redeem her too - though I am still very disappointed that we never got to see Ursula actually interact with Ariel at all. That’d have been so interesting. (Also, I admit, they went really overkill with having three Ursulas. Regina pretending to be Ursula, Ursula the ancient golden statue goddess and the actual Ursula, daughter of Poseidon).

I love Hades. I love Greg Germann’s take on Hades. He absolutely killed it. The whole underworld story was incredibly awesome to me personally - though I know others didn’t like that half-season as much. But I really dug that.

I think that it started to fizz out after that though and that after the underworld storyline, they probably should have drawn it to a close, because... after everything, after five whole seasons of watching redemption and working hard to make up for the things you did in the past, they really just decided “and now Regina is gonna physically split off her Evil Queen”... and made that Evil Queen the villain. That felt insanely repetitive of season 1 and like a set-back for Regina.

(The second half of that season didn’t go better because honestly that whole nonsense with “not only is Rumpel the son of Peter Pan, nope, now we bring in his mom the Evil Fairy”, featuring the very overused trope of “baby is magically aged up to be a character who can contribute to the plot”... Not the best.)

Also I refuse to acknowledge the existence of that reboot season. It’s bullshit is what it is. The show had the perfect ending. And then they immediately slapped a reboot onto it... why? If they had taken their time, wait ten years until nostalgia for the show kicks in and the actors all need work again, and do a proper “now Henry goes through shit”, that’d have actually been interesting, but... the moment I saw “so... we keep half the main cast, break up some OTPs, don’t age the adults up but age Henry up and also there is now a second Cinderella”, I knew that’s not gonna be good.

Seriously, the second Cinderella is what really fucked it over for me. What I loved about OUaT was that it gave very specific rules to its universe.

The Author documents the tales. The Author gives them their spin. But they are still the same tale. Be that the Brothers Grimm, who documented Cinderella, or then Walt Disney, it was still Cinderella, from the Enchanted Forest. Their stories were simply written down.

That they then, in the reboot season, went “well, actually There Are Many Cinderellas!!” completely contradicts the previously established rules of this world? Because yes, the concept very similar to Cinderella actually exists in many cultures - and that was the cool thing of OUaT’s take, because pressumably that is because the Author was in said culture at said time and documented the tale, as is the Author’s job.

Especially since it was so... unnecessary? I mean, they gave Rapunzel one half-assed episode in the past, they never tackled Gold Mary, they could have shown what became of Hänsel and Gretel now also grown up, etc. There were other unused characters that could have been brought in instead of throwing the rules out of the window.

But moving on from that; I love that they didn’t limit themselves to Disney movies - that they did prominently put Red Riding Hood (my favorite fairy tale character) in there, that they worked with mythology as well as books.

One thing they absolutely fucked up was their spin-off though. Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. They made that. They decided that, out of everything touched upon in the series, Alice’s tale should get a spin-off... and then they didn’t use any of the actual characters?

Alice herself never got an appearance in OUaT, not prior or after the spin-off (only very much later in the reboot season, with a different Alice)

They had the Queen of Hearts on OUaT, but they didn’t use her as the main antagonist, or at least a huge deal, on Wonderland

They had the freaking Mad Hatter on OUaT, but he doesn’t even have a single cameo on Wonderland

And don’t give me “Seb Stan was too busy!”, because... even then, they could have recast. The Mad Hatter is kind of a big part of Alice in Wonderland, but... they ignored the majority of what is important in AiW in general, so there is that

They named the Red Queen Anastasia and very heavily implied that yes, the Anastasia who was the stepsister of Cinderella - but when OUaT’s original Cinderella got her stepsisters introduced, they suddenly had entirely different names than the Disney stepsisters and of course it wasn’t the same actress either

They introduced Jafar (for some reason) in Wonderland. And then recast him when Aladdin was tackled on OUaT and never addressed any of the things that happened on Wonderland, especially not how Jafar was the son of the sultan which would technically make him Jasmine’s brother

It was nearly dumb to move Will Scarlet to OUaT after the spin-off was axed, because at that point they legit just ignored Wonderland as a whole so this acknowledgment felt very off. But then it’s Michael Socha and I love him so I ain’t gonna complain about that.

So yes, I have mild issues with how they made a spin-off that had basically no inpact on the show, despite many elements that should have crossed over and carried significance in both shows.

Lastly, because we’re on the topic of spin-offs, I still would absolutely kill for a spin-off about Mulan, Merida and Ruby. Those three, exploring the Enchanting Forest together, training together, being gay together, it was the best thing. Which does force me to mention the gay. Because... Mulan was canonically in love with Aurora and when they set her up to find Ruby and journey with her, it came really off as them trying to make Mulan/Ruby happen. Then they introduce Merida, a very famously single princess, and you start to wonder. But in the end, it’s Ruby who ends up with Dorothy, aka two characters not associated with Disney. And it makes you wonder. (It doesn’t. We all know Disney is hugely homophobic. We all know OUaT most likely had some Disney executive yelling at them for even implying one of their characters may be gay. So they backtracked to give the wlw storyline to two characters that weren’t Disney property.)

Ah, I don’t like ending things on a negative note so one last positive - as weirdly as the Dark Swan arc was handled at parts, I absolutely love that Emma’s name being Swan really did pay off in making her the Swan Princess in the end and giving a nudge to Swan Lake with the Dark Swan. That was such a cool pay-off of something as small as a last name.

So, to sum it up, there’s some flaws in the writing, some things I wish would have been explored more, but overall good gods do I love and adore this TV show.

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Kira (8)

CHAPTER 8: Discoveries

Loki x fem!Reader (Kira)

Series: Will contain fluff, smut, bloodshed, violence, anxiety, tears and the cries of my wilted soul.

Chapter content: like the title says...

Warnings: old repressed memories

Word count: Finally! This is only up because of Tari so you all have her to thank for this.

I miss my old colleagues. Taught me so much. This new part of the company is...weird. But I have been taking my rage out in the gym so there’s that.

MASTERLIST & Taglist in bio, my love

The morning breeze saturated with the cold and smell of dewy grass and flowers tip-toes inside your room with the grace of a professional ballerina. Your bare back, with the loss of the duvet's hug, can feel the sweet kisses she leaves all over your susceptible skin. A turn over the bed and you can feel the shift in the warmth of the duvet surrounding your naked form. Your arms sense the disparate temperature over the other side of the bed, forcing you to open your eyes and find it empty.

Where did you go?

As if to answer your thoughts, the sound of the shower running in your bathroom comes as soothing waves, bringing with it the tiny fishes that tickle you while they eat away the muck on your feet you never thought you had.

It is a task to get up from this cocoon of warmth but the thought of what may be on the other side of the wall makes it easier to be up on your legs and strut towards the door.

The door clicks open and you can already feel the heat inside the bathroom the moment you step in. The shower is turned to cold but the vapours leaving the surface of the body that stands under it are visible from where you stand. The glass door to the shower temple is opened and you step in, too entranced by the muscles peaking from beneath the scars that mar the otherwise flawless perfection. The rivulets on that pale skin make it glow in its entirety save for the parts where the scars rest. The strong pressure of the water perfectly disguises the head with its white foam, letting you focus more on the liquid snakes slithering down that naked back.

And just like that, your fingers are tracing them; both the snakes and the scars- too enchanted for your own good. Your touch makes the muscles flinch and the body turn, bringing his face out of the white foam to watch you with his ocean eyes while his hands wrap themselves instinctively around yours and take them behind your back as he softly bares his teeth at you when he brings you close to him. The push from his chest is enough to drive you into the wet wall behind, the cold tiles rubbing against your surfaces, letting you know the depth of pressure and- somewhere deep down inside you- the height of pleasure.

The blue glows lustfully green in the soft yellow lights above and around the two of you. Your breaths are ragged while his chest rises and falls with graceful movements of a calm ocean wave gently rocking a pirate ship.

"Say it."

The words are soft but the ripple that they carry holds the strength to tear you to shreds on the inside. The vibrations from your soul's core are visible on your skin to the onlooker as he tries to test them for himself when he brings his face closer to yours.

"Say it," his lips move in a whisper right in front of yours and you have to focus all your strength in keeping yourself balanced on your two legs as they begin to shudder.

"Loki."

His name is a whisper of a prayer to call unto him from your lips while the stray drops from his hair, head and chest fall over your breasts.

His arms that now rest on either side of you seem to be holding him in place as he restrains himself from doing something he should not.

But oh! Even the Gods do not have the strength to keep away from the temptations that they secretly want to worship themselves.

His lips gently collide with yours, pushing you back into the wall as his hands let go of yours to grab your heated hips and pull them closer to his already primed length.

Your hands find their place around his neck and once the chains inside your mind let go, the force with which you pull him close is unknown even to you.

He loves it.

He craves it.

And so, his fingers tease your skin when they move down to grab your perfect thighs in their firm grasp and lift you up, your legs locking him in place while his body does the same with you by keeping you against the cold tiles.

Neither of you wants to let go of the lips when the tongues dance in harmony and moans are gulped down with pure contentment.

He stops.

You growl.

But he continues to look at you as you feel his hands snaking down your wet caverns, the dark greens nearly hitting the edge as they watch you gasp at his mere touch.

"Yes."

You cannot stop yourself. Your eyes are already closing, your walls threatening to give up, your fingers digging into his skin as he strokes your walls right where they are bound to light up and gyrate.

And he lets go.

Only to come back with his length pushing inside you this time.

.

The jolt that your body goes through when your eyes pop open hits hard when you find yourself lying in your bed. It reverberates harder when you sit up and feel the morning pleasantness chilling every little bead of sweat over your surface.

The bed is empty. The doors are closed. The birds are chirping. The sun is up.

Everything is as it's supposed to be.

Everything except your senses that are still trying to get used to the idea of you having woken up from a way too realistic sex dream with your boss.

"Good morning, Kira!"

Ygritte's voice from the living room makes you jump.

Holy shit!

"Morning, um... Ygritte."

The sounds of her picking up the remnants of last night while dusting off your space are both welcoming and a bit intrusive.

"What would you like to have for breakfast, Kira?"

"...I'm good with sandwiches."

You can hear her pick up your laptop from the floor to place it on the desk.

Picking up the bottle of water on your nightstand, your lips run for a quick gulp to moisten that dried up throat.

"Something refreshing and green or meaty and juicy?"

And all the water goes down the wrong way because of the scandalous imagery your brain comes up with. Again.

.

Fenrir lounges on the refreshing grass, judging you without shame as you eat a vegetable kebab sandwich with greens that are too crispy for someone who has survived on two-days worth of groceries for an entire week.

"I feel I might hurt my teeth eating this lettuce," you mutter to yourself while Fenrir tilts his head with a scoff and a whining growl before trying to push your feet away so he can do a full stretch.

"Shut up, you whiney wolf," you hiss softly at him- which he completely ignores - biting into the deliciously minty kebabs and tomatoes while trying to keep the lettuce in place with your teeth.

"Don't forget we have to leave tonight."

Now it is completely normal for you to find yourself in situations where you lock eyes with a complete stranger at a restaurant while trying to fit a burger in your mouth and failing to do so. What makes this situation worse is to watch your boss and his pet wolf look at you with sheer amusement in their glittery eyes as the lettuce hangs from your mouth before you try to find a seemingly graceful way to fit the entire thing in your mouth with your fingers.

"I've made the arrangements," you finally speak after the green chunk of cool crisp finally goes down your throat.

"Did you get Gustav to ready my suits in time?"

"All three of them are ready to fly off with the rest of your luggage."

"What about the arrangements for the stay?"

"I talked to Friday and she's assured us of our stay at the expo for the week. She's Mr Stark's assistant."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

You turn to face Loki for the first time during the day, catching the man dressed in the deepest hue of the blue t-shirt over his chest while the black trousers compliment his legs. And other parts.

"What about your dress up for the expo dinners, darling?"

Darling.

The shimmers of this unexplained pain carefully intertwined with a latent string of pleasure pulling through your subconscious do not go unnoticed by your existence when you feel your legs shudder.

"I uh...I don't..."

Your words do not come out as the sleeves are rolled up and the tie goes away to let the collar be unbuttoned.

"Call Gustav," Loki picks up an unmarked sack kept by the end of the porch and puts it over his back, "he'll fix something up for you."

Without another word, he walks off on a trail somewhere in the estate you do not want your mind to wander in this heated condition.

"Gustav."

Forcing yourself out of your own punishing trance, you call the man of every hour to help you out.

.

"You all right?" Robert asks you the moment you step out into the living room, dressed for the afternoon you'd planned.

"Yeah, why?"

"You said you'd be out in twenty minutes. Ygritte was worried about you."

"Oh," you breathe out, tucking a side of your hair behind your ears, "I had an issue...with my bathroom."

"..."

"Couldn't find myself to walk inside," you whisper to yourself, chugging down a glass of water without touching it with your lips.

"Something broke?" Robert's brows furrow in concern.

"Yeah," you mutter as you walk out towards the front door, "me. I'm broke."

“What?”

“What?”

.

"I have to say it is good to see you in not-formals!"

Sam's chirpiness is a drizzle of fresh waves as he makes you chuckle.

"Wait. Really?"

"Yeah," he nods, his eyes stealing a quick look at Robert walking five steps behind you, "I've only ever seen you leave your house to go to work."

"Huh," you pretend to wonder out loud, "so you've tried to see me every time I leave my place?"

The heat evidently reaches his ears as he fumbles through the words, making it harder for you to suppress your chuckles.

"Welcome to the Violet Springs, Madame, Sir."

The greeting by the hostess helps break out of the rush of embarrassment pooling up through Sam's skin that you can conveniently compliment in his summer blue shirt and sand trousers, playing well with your sky blue sundress.

"Yes, um," Sam tries to clear his throat, "we have a reservation under Sam Diaz."

The hostess barely takes a minute to look up the name before taking you and him to the seats by the edge of the restaurant with the view of the city below you.

Sam takes a moment to bask in the glory of the concrete world around him while you look for Robert and find him standing on the other edge with a wide view of the entire hall.

I still don't get why he has assigned himself to me. The only reason I'll be requiring his expertise is when I step on my own foot.

And like a note struck from the instrument of epiphany, you sit straight and take out your phone to send a quick text before giving all your attention to your neighbour.

If this little date goes bad, you're responsible for getting me out of here.

"Before we begin," you start, catching every bit of Sam's senses, "I’m letting you to know we are splitting the bill and that is final."

Words on your phone light up against the otherwise asleep screen- That *is* my job, Miss

"We haven't even started talking yet! Or had anything to drink!" Sam brings out of this shared internal joke from the man you can't see smiling from across the room.

"That's exactly why," you chuckle.

You can see his brown eyes take your features in. You can sense it even when you look away, appearing to smudge something off the wine glass kept in front of you.

Wait. This place has wine glasses. Oh, it's expensive, isn't it? For expensive people.

"You look amazing today, by the way."

Robert watches as you go blank and blink at Sam in return for something the boy said to you. He has seen that look on your face- like you are lost somewhere for a second, trying to find the weight of whatever you witness with your senses. You've done this before, in his boss' presence more times than he can count. Only this time, you don't try to busy your hands and tear away your gaze as if you're not supposed to be in the presence of the person in front of you.

.

The grub hoe hits the cooler layer of the soil hard before Loki finally gets up and drops the tool away from him.

Sweat beads are teased by the afternoon breeze which is comparatively cooler than what the city is witnessing at this moment, thanks to the generous amount of trees surrounding him.

Picking up his shirt lying on the chunk of stone two feet away from the shallow plot he has dug, he allows the cotton fabric to soak up the sweat from everywhere he is exposed.

"Lemonade, Master Loki," Ygritte's call comes right on time as she sets down the tray on the table made of stone under an old sacred fig. Fenrir is not far behind.

"Nice weather for a Saturday," she hums as she uses tongs to pick up the spherical ice cubes from the bucket and masterfully drop them in the tall glass before pouring the jug of lemonade blessed with mint leaves.

Fenrir walks over to the freshly dug up plot to smell the wet earth before putting his paw over the cool dirt.

"Get away from there, Fenrir," Loki commands without looking at the wolf, who growls in protest before coming to the table to demand his share of the treats.

Before he can bring his nose up the surface to sniff the contents of the jug, Loki shoves his face away.

"Only the wolves who work hard get to have a feast," he announces to the enormous body of fur staring at him with nothing but animosity right now.

"Go play with Kira."

Fenrir slumps down and lets the grass rub his wiggling back, making Loki's eyes reflect disgust as he downs his glass.

"Miss Kira isn't home, Master Loki," Ygritte responds as she pours him a refill.

She does not get a response back from Loki but can see his fingers twitch before he goes for the glass and empties it again.

"Thank you, Ygritte," he greets flatly before dragging the sack towards the pit and scattering its contents- which look like sesame seed-sized violet pellets- all over the freshly dug ground.

"Make sure everything is ready before nine tonight," he throws into the air for the woman to catch as she walks back while Fenrir lays in the grass and shade to watch his master work.

.

"I..."

"You don't like wine?"

The look Sam and the waiter give you is that of pure betrayal before one of them composes themselves.

"That's okay we can order something else," Sam chimes.

"I've tried to get used to the taste but..." The sentence hangs mid-air as you give a light shrug as a loose apology. "I'm good with Long Island, though."

Their brows quirk as Sam nods in approval while the waiter's lips stretch just a little at one corner.

"I'll have a Caipiroska," Sam declares as he closes the menu.

"You can order wine, if you want," you try to persuade him as his liquid honey eyes seem to get struck by something new whenever he looks at you- something you do not seem to get used to.

He is about to say something when a heavy voice filled with aged sophistication fills the air around you.

"Good afternoon, young lads. How are you liking the place?"

You reluctantly look up from the food menu to watch a middle-aged man with a well- groomed beard looking and soft honey eyes with flecks of deeper darker brown scattered in them. From the looks of his effortless blue suit that went with the theme of the restaurant, he seems like the manager here.

This is an expensive place.

"It's nice," you feel generous for the lack of experience in settings like this.

"It's brilliant," Sam beams.

The smile stretches from within the manager's beard as he clasps his hands together. For some reason, it even feels like a smile you'd seen somewhere before.

"Wonderful then," he continues, "if I may be so bold to suggest, try our Asian cuisine today and while your server gets back to you with your drinks, take a look at the new art installed in our Galleria for the New Foundations charity."

You turn towards Sam with a glimmer in your eye and a childlike smirk on your face. "This sounds fun."

.

All clothes are dumped on the observatory floor as the dirt-laden feet take the stairs towards a lone room and come back with a towel in one hand and swimming trunks cajoling the perfect shape of the rear that walk out of the place and towards the glass building that houses nothing but a pool and its required necessities.

Leaving the towel on the lounging seats, he dives into the cold water with the grace of a dolphin and intention of tiger, letting his body ride like a free wave till he has to come to the surface to breathe before going down again.

At first it's a blur. The shape. But the more time Loki spends inside the water, the more he can see a figure adroitly floating in the pool with enchanted shimmers all around it.

The hair takes the shape of whatever it wants to, going graciously wild as it lifts the veil from the face.

Your face.

Your glittering eyes that look through his soul.

He stops just to float towards you, stands in the deep waters to look at the wound he helped take care of while internally appreciating the view of watching you untethered.

Of imagining you untethered.

Just as his mind realises this- a second too sooner- he pushes to the surface to breathe. Hard.

He stills in the water around him, questioning himself, his sanity, wondering where you came from; out of the blue, curious as to why you, bewildered at the thoughts slowly scratching a surface he knows is not there.

Curse you, Kira.

And with that contemplation left in the air, he goes free on his back, back into the water.

.

"If it's alright with you, Mr-"

"Harrison."

"Mr Harrison," you continue, "I'd like to talk to my boss about this charitable event so that the company can do its bit to help out in any way."

The manager, Harrison, smiles with his teeth out.

Why is that smile so familiar?

"Brilliant idea!" Harrison laughs.

"Hold on, let me get your contact details." Opening your phone, you jot down his number from his visiting card that marks the hotel's sigil and his designation.

"May I get your full name?" You ask him, trying to open the save option quickly and get over with this to get back to your date, who seems to be shaking with restlessness now.

"Yes. It's Harrison Wardwell."

With one strike of a peaceful clink echoing inside your head, you have travelled back to a dimly lit room. The curtains are drawn over the windows because the sun is too bright. The edge of the desk is lined up right with the window, with books and notebooks scattered over the wooden structure. Plushies crowd the bed as someone lies under the sheet on the side of the bed that is nearer to the window.

There are no birds chirping outside. Why would there be? It's a hot afternoon. There is no creak of the door opening because it is never shut. The footsteps are quieter than a cat's. The fingers are rubbing against the sweaty palm before they touch the edge of the bed. The movement is slow but that does not stop the hand from disappearing under the sheets.

The phone drops from your hand over the tiled floor.

"Oh, sorry," escapes your trembling lips as you bend down to pick it up, using the bare seconds to compose yourself before getting up.

"It's Wardwell with a 'W'."

The voice pierces through your throbbing skull.

"Yeah," you nod without bringing your eyes to look back at him, "I got it. I'll go back now."

He wishes you a great time but your body and mind do not register anything.

You do not even realise when you've come back sat down on the table till Sam is fighting for your attention to ask you about your choice of entrées. The stickiness on your palm and the heat radiating from behind your eyes are warning you for what is about to come. And so, you do what you do best.

"I'm sorry, Sam," you blurt out as you get up, catching Sam's face fall, "I'm not feeling well. I'll have to go back. I'm really sorry."

Robert is already on his heels, walking towards you, sensing trouble from the way you stand.

"Yeah, no," Sam stammers, "it's okay. Is everything okay? Anything I can do? Want to get some air?"

"No, no. I'd rather go home," you mention, already picking up your purse and walking away, "thank you for understanding."

You're nearly at the door, your breaths shallow, your back marred with sweat, almost ready to collapse when Robert takes hold of you before getting into the elevator.

The doors close for the ground floor but Robert does not let you go.

"Water?" He simply puts.

You shake your head, your breathing growing rougher while your nails are beginning to dig into his jacket.

"Do you have medication?" He doesn't stop.

You nod your head furiously.

"It's back home."

The tears stinging your eyes are just sitting over the edge, waiting for one light push.

"Would you like to lie down somewhere?" The softness in his voice is soothing but the idea brings back the face of the man.

"I want to go home," you breathe out with all your strength.

Robert's concern takes another shape over his features. The shape of resolve. Carefully wrapping his arms over your back to help you stand straight he walked you to the entrance.

"Then let's get you home."

.

The crisp black shirt tries it's hardest to flutter on Loki's back but the buttons in front stop the wind from taking advantage of the breathing fabric and the body it has been wrapped around.

The walk back to the house is a languid one with Fenrir by his side- something both seem to be enjoying this suddenly breezy noon with a grey cloud approaching from the city side.

The French doors are still slid open when he reaches the back to watch the hazy sun reflect streaks of wetness from your eyes to your chin as you rush towards your part of the house in clothing he has never seen you in.

Loki's gait is composed, though the grip on the bag of his sweat-soaked clothes grows tight.

"Robert," he calls out to the man in charge of your security, who is refraining himself from following you to make sure you're okay, "a word."

.

The rumble of thunder outside is not welcomed by Fenrir, who howls at the black clouds and lightning streaks to drive them away.

The cold breeze travels inside to whirl around the lounge, swinging around every little furniture piece.

Loki turns off the light to his study and walks out, feeling the playful current over his neck even from here.

"Ygritte," he shouts, but never condescendingly, walking down the hallway, "you know Fenrir will soil his paws in the dirt outside and then you will have to cl-"

He turns the corner to have every authoritative atom in his voice die down when his eyes lock to your figure asleep in the living room just where the winds are blowing in.

With your laptop still on, your diary untraditionally left open, your phone continuously buzzing with messages, he figures you dozed off while working.

'She had a panic attack, sir. One moment she was talking to the manager and next when she came back at the table, she was pale.'

Peace.

'No, sir. That boy had nothing to do with it. He is a gentleman. I ran a background check on him just to be safe.'

You are at peace.

'I have never seen her go through something like this before either, sir. Something must have triggered it. She was fine five minutes earlier.'

Sleeping without any worries. Floating in some dream, he thinks. A beautiful one, he prays.

Your hair, usually tied up, strays loose, partially covering your cheeks while moving to the tunes of the pleasant air. Your lips are slightly apart, one sure sign of how deep the sleep is. Your glasses hang awkwardly over your nose, almost making the man smile at the unintentionally delicate, purely appealing picture you've painted.

The gust of wind coming from the open doors forces you to bring your body close to yourself to ward off the cold and without any forewarning, Loki's body is already moving to slide the glass close, giving one snap of his finger and pointing to the floor near his feet to bring Fenrir inside without so much as a squeak.

The lightning outside the glass lights up his face, illuminating this deep ocean of green in his eyes as he blinks with a tender thought before slowly making a one-eighty to stand right at the back of the sofa where you lay.

One step and he can see your arm and shoulders move with your gentle breathing. One more and he watches this side of your face already sinking in some dream.

Know your lines, Loki.

His fingers twitch at the thought. He looks around for a sign of help but gets none. So, one lungful of air later, his hands lightly brush away your hair from your face, making sure they never touch your skin.

The thumb and index place themselves securely around the edges of the frame of your glasses before they are pulled away with commendable patience. Even the lungs are allowed to breathe only when he has snapped the temples in.

It is hard for his eyes to break away from your face but he does so unwillingly to bend over the sofa from here he stands to place the glasses on the coffee table in front of you, his fingers accidentally brushing your exposed waist.

The second it takes his nerves to realise what kind of contact was made, you wake up with a gasp and a withered moan.

Loki cannot understand what he is watching for a moment there.

Red eyes looking around in unadulterated horror, lips trembling with the intensity of a cracking winter, fingers digging into the fabric of the sofa you lie on, breaths shallower than the pit he dug this morning.

But the worst of the thump in his heartbeat comes when you turn to look at him with the look of a victim of dreadful deception. A quick breath is taken in by the parted lips of Loki, the man of the multi-million empire who bows to no one, to bring himself to explain himself to you.

"Is he here?"

The words on the edge of his tongue stare at you with a tingling shock.

"...what?"

A single tear falls from your eye over the cheeks heated for all the wrong reasons.

"That man," your words come out broken and wounded, similar to the look in your eyes, "is he-is he here?"

Something inside his chest rips apart and comes off and he has no idea what it is or how to put it back up.

"I... it's just me," he finally speaks, the confusion along with this unknown searing pain piled up between his brows, almost regretting saying it the moment those words leave his mouth.

"Oh, thank God," you wheeze through the shiver in your throat, striking the man again with your words, "thank God."

He can see you struggling with your breathing while your eyes still go out to make out the shadows you don't trust.

"Kira," he finally speaks, bringing your attention to him with this soothing composure in his voice, "look at me."

So you do.

"Whoever he is, isn't here. He will never be."

Lightning lights up the green in his eyes, showing him in a brilliant light.

Like a natural reflex, you nod in response to the assurance.

"Go get some sleep," he speaks softly, "we have to leave in seven hours."

Your head turns towards the golden base clock before getting up and walking to the East wing.

Loki doesn't move from where he stands till he sees you walk down the corridor, turn on your lights for a few minutes and then turn them off.

Fenrir is shifting his weight between his paws before Loki finally tells him to go and he dashes to where you went.

The cellphone is already out and the phone is ringing on the other side.

"Yes, Sir?" The familiar Scottish accent drips through the earpiece.

"You said she talked to the manager. Who is he?"

A two-second pause. "A Harrison Wardwell, sir. Do you want me to-"

"I need everything on that man."

Thunder rumbles violently, rattling the strongest doors and windows of the house.

"Every. Single. Thing."

[miraclejune]

HERO’S SOUP: Chapter 9

Stay

Toiletries, snacks, ice cream, juice boxes, and more. Felix struggled on pushing the cart towards Chan who was busy going through multiple scented candles. "Oi, Hyunjin. Hurry up with that." Felix spun his head around, calling over Hyunjin who was pushing yet another cart full of 'gifts'.

"Chan, we're just picking out a house-warming gift, not preparing for an apocalypse." Felix frowned perplexedly; the vampire didn't even give him a glance.

Felix's face lit up in expectation as Chan turned to him, two different colored candles on each hand, Chan holding up one hand after the other, "Vanilla or Rose?". Felix huffed out air from his cheeks, almost snarling at the man. "Seriously? Didn't you hear what I just said?" Chan turned back to the shelf, crouching down to get a whole box. He stood up and gingerly walked towards Felix, placing the new content gently atop the mountain of items. "Jeongin likes the smell of vanilla." He smiles shyly, engrossed by the thought of Jeongin's face smelling the scented candles.

Felix paused, stunned and comprehending. He cannot believe Chan just ignored him like that, again! Felix furrowed his eyebrows, lips hardening as he tried hard not to square up on his friend. He knows the vampire is way more powerful than him, but he'd risk his life just to get the man to listen to him. "Mate, will you please just listen to me."

"Let's pay for it then." Chan looks up to him, giving him a smile. He turns around and calls out to Hyunjin. Hyunjin walks by Felix, putting a hand on his shoulder. Felix sighs, looking up to him. "Hang in there, Lix." he gives up. His heavy steps echoed slightly as he forced himself to follow the two. "Can we get something to eat after this? I'm starving." Hyunjin whined, handing the last bag of chips to Chan.

"We can eat at home. We have too much food." Hyunjin pursed his lips, glaring at Chan as he hugs Felix from behind. "But I want pasta." widening his eyes, Felix shot Chan a meaningful glance. "Pasta sounds good, mate." Chan rolls his eyes, sighing as he hands his card at the cashier. "Lix, your accent comes out whenever you're excited or mad. And that's not a good sign."

Throwing his hands in the air as a sign of defeat. "Alright! But we must be quick. I'm visiting Jeongin's at around 5PM." The two kids jumped in glee, prancing their way out even with a bagful of groceries on each arm. Chan shakes his head, looking at the cashier apologetically as she hands him his card.

"Sorry about those idiots." The cashier's cheeks turned crimson, her fingers brushing against the fine man's cold ones, making her heart race more than ever. Chan smiles at her, showcasing his dimples at the already flustered employee.

-

A pair of feet stood frozen in front of a stone path. Chan fidgeted uncontrollably, thinking if vampires could sweat, he would be standing in a pool of his own. Mustering up his courage, he took the last remaining steps, halting in front of the door. Chan's eyes scanned the place.

The house was a series of rectangles constructed of steel and glass. It was unapologetically modern. It stood amidst the manicured lawn as if it was placed neatly atop of it. The roof was flat and there was no visible chimney, not that people use chimneys in the city. The front door was made of what seemed to be ivory, on the contrary, it blended well with the modern design of the house. You can tell that it has been there for quite a while, considering a few cracks and faded paint on the walls. He pressed the doorbell once, shoving his hand back in his pocket.

Hearing the faint sound of people talking stop, Chan straightens up.

The door swings open, revealing a middle-aged woman, smiling from ear to ear. Chan almost took a step back, realizing she looked so much like Jeongin. "You must be Chan?" he floundered, almost folding his body in half as he bowed. "Hello, Ma'am! My n-name is Bang Chan, I'm from the antique shop across the street," feeling a warm hand on his left shoulder, Chan looks up. If he was capable of blushing, we would probably be a red-hot mess right that moment.

"I know, sweetheart." Jeongin's mom's smile was so loving, he found himself mirroring back the action. "Now, come inside. It's cold!" Chan nodded, feeling relieved she invited him inside.

As soon as he stepped inside, his eyes wandered around the hallway. He was a bit jealous of Seungmin who came to this house on multiple occasions, but he still felt thankful for the witch. He visited the place, well not really, more like disguised himself as a repairman, to 'fix' the 'broken' sink. His purpose was to undo the spell that took him quite a while. The sink? It was his magic that 'broke' it, so he fixed that up within a second.

The house was welcoming from the open door to the wide hallway. Upon the walls were the photographs of children, so obviously loved. The floor was an old-fashioned wooden floor with a blend of deep homely browns and the walls were cream colored, meeting a bold white baseboard.

On his right was a white banister, with a few light scratches on it, stairs leading to the 2nd floor. As he reached the end of the hallway, his eyes scattered around the spacious living room. A leather sofa set neatly lined up at the center. "Honey, our guest is here." Chan panicked, realizing he just went over Jeongin's father. Once again, he bowed, apologizing for his ignorance. "It's alright. Don't worry." Chan was so amazed at how nice and warm Jeongin’s parents were. He can't help but smile upon realizing Jeongin was so much like him.

He sat down across Jeongin's dad, tapping his fingers on his knees. Jeongin's mom went back to the kitchen. "Chan, was it?" Chan looked up to his smiling figure, "Yes, Sir." Mr. Yang chuckled. "Just call me Uncle." the vampire nodded, feeling his dead organs almost coming back to life. "Did you live overseas, Chan?"

"Yes, I grew up in Australia and moved here around 8 years ago." it wasn't completely a lie but lying to such nice people felt so bad. He hasn't felt that guilt ever since he was a kid. "8 years? That's why your Korean is flawless." Chan thanked him. "But you look young. Did you come here alone 8 years ago?" Chan almost frowned, seeing his face filled with worry. "Yes, I really wanted to live here even since I was small. And the only option was moving here alone to study."

"What a brave kid. Do your parents visit you here?" Chan's smile abruptly faltered, he looked outside the window, sighing as he faced him with a sad smile. "They used to." Chan's eyes fell on the floor, that was not a lie at all. He looked up feeling a hand on his shoulder, pretending to act surprised even though he knew the man was walking to his side. Chan’s smile regained its shine as he saw his fatherly one.

Chan was alarmed, he started to panic, thinking he said or did something that would offend them. But he was relieved after the man continued, "You can call us Uncle and Auntie if you want. You're always welcome to our family, okay?" as he pats him once again, he turns his back and heads towards the kitchen. Chan couldn't help but smile. At first, he thought Jeongin was the nicest, warmest person he had ever met. But his family was something else.

The vampire's heightened senses heard the door swing open and close with a soft thud. Resting his elbows on both his knees, Chan gathered his hands together, he was expecting a kid. A grade-school student or something like that. The heartbeat softly drumming in his ears was faster than an adults'.

"I'm home!"

"Who are you?"

"Hello there, I'm Chan. I'm a friend of your brother’s."

He smiled softly, standing up. The kid eyed him suspiciously. Chan almost burst into a fit of laughter, it was like he was seeing a 10-year-old Jeongin. Their eyes are carbon copies of each other's. "Which brother?”

“Jeongin.”

“You mean that loser has friends?" the kid snickered, bowing his head respectively before sauntering up the stairs, Chan followed his small figure until it vanished.

He sat back down, pulling out his phone from his pocket.

To: Woojin

17:34

Are you home?

From: Woojin

17:36

Yep. The puppies are all here

except for Jisung, he said

he's finishing something at the

Studio.

To: Woojin

17:37

Alright. How 'bout the others?

From: Woojin

17:38

Seungmin's in the basement (as usual). I was supposed to be delivering Jisung his dinner, but Minho volunteered haha.

And, Felix is playing with the wolves.

Chan frowned, he's lowkey praying that Seungmin not blow up the mansion any time soon. It's been 2 months since he moved in with them at the mansion. It was a hard bargain, Woojin had to hire someone to clean the gigantic basement just for Seungmin.

It took 15 people to finish cleaning up the place. Chan was impressed that Woojin really wanted the witch to live with them that much. The only benefit they would get from letting Seungmin move in was that the whole mansion became spotless in just a span of a day. He was a fucking clean freak. A bit controlling but otherwise okay.

Woojin even hired a professional interior designer for the basement. Of course, that person was a supernatural being too. She had been hired by high-class witches and other beings before. A basement never looked so classier. It didn't look like a witch's den at all. By the way, don't mention that in front of Seungmin or else he would hex you. Jisung had thorns growing out of his back, he had to wear 3 layers of clothing for 2 weeks.

The basement also has a built-in room, so he has a place to sleep whenever he feels like it. But he also has a separate bedroom on the second floor, beside Jeongin's of course.

Felix choked after he saw the bill on how much everything costs. And he almost fainted upon knowing that Woojin paid almost half of it for his renovated room when he moved in. Money wasn't really a big issue for them, but Felix felt so bad for having them spend that much on them, and well, he cried when Woojin told him he's basically family and that he loves every one of them equally. Minho acted cool but he was also tearing up at the side.

Chan sent Woojin one last text, informing him that he's at Jeongin's and will probably be home late. He slid his phone back into his pocket, scanning the living room once more. He can't help but smirk, Woojin has his way of manipulating people. With good intentions of course. Generally, he's a really warm and loving person, the sole reason why Chan helped him and the rest of his pack a few centuries back.

Chan’s attention was taken away by a frantic pair of feet stumbling down the stairs. A disheveled Jeongin tripped and fell on the last 3 steps, he didn't really want to get up from bed. But when his little brother, who was bashing his door, said something about a pale as fuck, blonde man waiting for him downstairs. Jeongin left his soul on his bed.

Out of instinct Chan was up to his feet right in front of him. The boy's eyes widened, hurriedly getting back on his feet. "Chan! You can't use your powers here!" he floundered, failing to keep his balance as Chann held him by his elbow. Powers? He's not a superhero.

"What happened? Did you fall down the stairs?" his Dad appeared from the kitchen, slowly trailing towards their direction, he let out an embarrassed laugh, eyeing Chan quietly. Hoping his Dad won't notice Chan's sudden appearance at his side.

"That's not the issue here! Why didn't any of you guys tell me that Chan was here?" he turns to the vampire, pointing at him while pouting like a kid, "And you! Don't laugh! Why didn't you call me? Or even text me? H-Hey! Dad, why are you laughing? B-BOTH OF YOU ARE SUCH MEANIES! Mooom!"

Jeongin shoves them both lightly as he passes through, heading to the kitchen, his Dad cackles loudly as both him and Chan make eye contact with each other. 'Humans are weird' Chan thought. As they slowly regain composure, lance comes out of the kitchen with a pout on his lips. "We're sorry." both said in unison, his Dad heads upstairs, saying he's gonna call Jeongin's younger brother for dinner.

"Chan, sweetie."

"Will you be joining us for dinner, or do you have any plans to go out?'' Before Chan could get a chance to mutter a word, Jeongin's hand was pressed firmly against his mouth. "We're gonna go out, right Chan?" The vampire could feel Jeongin's intense gaze even though his back was turned against him. With a little bit of his strength, he pulled the boy's hand off his mouth.

"Dinner sounds great, Auntie." she chuckles softly at the boys.

"Alright. Let me set up the table then."

"I can help you with that." the same pair of dark brown eyes ordered him to a stop. "No. Just relax here." Chan fumbled, taking a step towards his previous seat, picking up multiple bags. "These are from me and my family." Jeongin's mouth went agape as his eyes focused on the number of gifts the vampire was handing over. "Dear lord! This is too much!" Jeongin couldn't agree more with what his mom had exclaimed.

Scratching his nape, Chan smiled meekly. "I didn't know what to give."

"So, you decided to buy the whole store?" Chan couldn't hide his embarrassment in front of her and Jeongin. His ears told him 3 figures were about to emerge from the stairs. "Woah~ mom what are those!" Jeongin's little brother scurried his way towards their position, snatching the heavy bags from her grip. Chan smiled softly, kneeling to face the kid. "These are gifts from my family."

Jeongin completely forgot about everything, he couldn't quite hear what Chan said before he handed the goods over to his mom. But when he repeated the same words, Jeongin felt his heart warming up. 'His family... that's everyone in the mansion.' His eyes fell onto the vampire. Was he really the same guy from the first time he stepped inside the Antique Shop? It's hard to tell.

"Who are you?" a much taller version of Jeongin came into Chan's view. "You must be his older brother, I'm Chan, Jeongin’s friend." The man cackled. Throwing a heavy arm around Jeongin, almost choking the boy. "This loser has a friend? Unbelievable." Jeongin struggled underneath his brother's tight grip, shoving him after he got free. "Fuck off."

"Language!"

"Sorry, Mom."

His older brother ruffled his hair before taking the contents on his mom's hand, his younger brother trailing behind them as they headed inside the kitchen area. Chan gave Jeongin’s mom a smile as the man nodded at him, calling out to his two sons who were now arguing loudly at the dinner table.

"Thank you for these, Chan. Now sit down, I'll call you when the table is set, okay?" Chan and Jeongin were left alone in the living room, a suffocating silence settled around them. Jeongin awkwardly sat down on the sofa, Chan following him. "Why didn't you call me?" Almost instantly, the uneasy air around them vanishes, Chan turns to him. "It was a surprise!" he chuckled, pulling the pouting boy into his arms. "Were you surprised?"

Jeongin pushed him lightly, gathering his legs together, hiding his face in between them. Chan tried to muffle his chuckles as he noticed the only visible part of Jeongin's face was redder than normal. "Your ears are red." the boy snapped his head up, standing quickly, hiding his face in his large hands.

"You don't have to say everything you see, ugh!" and now, Chan couldn't hold his laughter anymore. He pulls Jeongin by his hand, nuzzling his face onto Jeongin's back. He snakes his buff arms around the boy's waist. "Chan! Let go of me, now." Jeongin giggles as Chan shakes his head against his back, tickling him in the process. "Mmfffm."

"What?"

"Mffmfm."

"Dude, you know I can't hear you."

Chan moved his head back, but his arms remained anchored. "I said, the boys miss you." Jeongin flinched a little as Chan buried his face once more. He sighs, relaxing underneath Chan's embrace. He put both his hands-on top of the vampire’s cold ones. "I miss them too. Why didn't you invite them?"

Chan lets go, the boy sits beside him, leaning back as their shoulders touch. "You know how chaotic they can get." Jeongin chuckles. Braces in full view. "Yeah, but mom likes it when it's chaotic here." Charis nods his head. "Yeah, judging by you and your brothers’ relationship. I'm guessing it gets pretty rowdy here." Jeongin chuckles, agreeing fully. "Seungmin moved in 2 months ago, right?" Chan inches closer to him, putting a hand on the boy's thigh, ignoring the meaningful gaze on his face. "Yeah, did he tell you in school?"

Jeongin clears his throat, focusing on not stuttering as his face grows redder. "I guess. We call and chat almost every day when we don't see each other in school. And I noticed his things at the mansion every time I visited."

At this certain moment, Chan would probably be annoyed but he wasn't. Why?

Jeongin's fingers slowly tap the hand on his thigh, as Chan turns it over, Jeongin laces their fingers together. "Oh, okay." They grew quiet, Chan bit his lip, forcing himself not to grin like an idiot. He couldn't dare look at Jeongin's face which is now redder than a tomato, "Boys! Let's eat."

They stood up. Hands still intertwined with Jeongin's. He gives the boy a big grin, Jeongin looks up, admiring Chan's eye smile. "You do know my family is beyond that wall." The boy was pertaining to their hands linked together. Chan rolls his eyes. "Yes, I'll let go before we enter the kitchen." Jeongin sighs again, standing up.

"Yes, boss."

"Wait. How are you gonna eat?"

Chan snickers. "Looks like Seungmin isn't educating you enough about vampires."

"He did. But he told me you can't eat a lot, and you have to vomit everything or else you're gonna die." Jeongin's tone turned from playful to worried. Chan stops from his tracks, turning his head. "He said that?" Jeongin nodded. "Yeah."

"That fucking liar."

The boy laughs out loud. "Was he lying? Hahaha!" Chan rolls his eyes, retrieving his hand from Jeongin's grip. "I won't die. I would feel a bit queasy, but you can't kill me with just that." Jeongin continued laughing. Chan threw his hand in the air, turning to his heel and trudging towards the kitchen. "I'm gonna kill him."

"Haha! No~"

-

"Mom, did you add garlic?"

"Everything on this table has a little bit of garlic. Why?"

Jeongin looked at Chan who just sat down beside him. "Chan's allergic to it."

"Oh gosh." she exclaimed. Chan smiled meekly. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you."

"A garlic allergy? That's a first for me." Jeongin's older brother chirped, scarfing down the meat, stopping midway to evade his mom's incoming hand. "Who said you could eat first? And wash your hands!" he groaned, pushing his seat back. "I think I still have some rice rolls on the fridge, let me warm that up for you." Chan stood up but was stopped by her who gave him a silencing hand.

"Sit down. It's fine." he sat back down, feeling a bit guilty.

"Are you a vampire?"

Jeongin, who was taking a sip, choked on his water because of his little brother's words. Hacking a series of coughs as Chan puts a hand on his back. "What if I am?" he said with a joking tone. Jeongin stepped on his foot underneath the table, earning a lazy glance from the vampire. Ah fuck, boo boo the fool who forgot Chan was a vampire.

"You know that didn't hurt me at all?" with a mocking tone and a mocking smile, Chan teased him. The boy rolled his eyes, standing up to help his mom serve. "You're an idiot." The vampire chuckled lightly from the boy's whispered words.

"Are you really?" the excited kid asked, his eyes full of curiosity and awe. Chan smiles, reaching out his hand to pat the boy's head. "I'll leave that to your imagination, kid."

Dinner was 'chaotic' as Chan would say. But it was kind of chaotic. He felt like he never left the mansion, the 3 Yangs' were fighting while the mom scolds and well, teh dad is just chuckling on the side, while giving Chan an apologetic look. "You'll get used to it."

"I'm no stranger to this at all."

"Leave the dishes, Chan. You boys go up to Jeongin's room. I'll bring up snacks." Remembering the 'code' for not helping out because he was the guest, Chan stood up after Jeongin, "Thanks for the meal." They sauntered out the kitchen, leaving the rest of them.

"Wait." Jeongin stopped in his tracks. "You forgot something." turning around with his eyebrows furrowed. Forget what? His gaze fell onto Chan's outstretched fist before it came back up to the neutral expression on his face. "What is it?" reaching out his hand, his question hung in the air. Face heating up as Chan, who pretended to put something on his palm, intertwined their fingers once more. Even though his hands were ice-cold, Jeongin couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Turning his back on the elder, he dragged him up the stairs, too embarrassed to even look at the guy. Chan on the other hand, chuckled, his plan had worked.

Since when did a millennium-old vampire learn to do such tricks? Make that more than a millennium-old. Maybe from the large number of Korean dramas he watched ever since he met the boy. God, he would want a stake through his heart just by thinking of his sudden change of attitude and norms, all because of Jeongin.

"Stop smiling like a fucking idiot and get in here." Chan was yanked out of his thoughts. "Come on." the vampire snickers, stepping inside Jeongin's room. Feeling the soft tickling of the black velvet carpet underneath his feet, Chan closes the door behind him, turning to see Jeongin rummaging through his stuff. Hi eyes scanned around, he slowly moved towards Jeongin's double bed situated near a big rectangular window directly across the door, giving him a full view of the city night lights. The scent of the impending winter breeze seeps through the open window. As he sat down on the bed, he noticed the bedsheets looked like someone just shimmied their way out of them. That explains Jeongin's disheveled state from earlier.

A desk sits in the corner covered in papers, books and clothes as well as a wireless charger dock and some other knick-knacks on the edge. On top of the desk hangs medals, clinking slightly as the wind from the open window blows. A bookshelf was propped beside it, containing what seems to be old books and a few photo albums. And, are those... clothes too? Chan laughs inside his head, maybe those are the stuff that the owner of the room just can't be bothered to put away.

A lone photo frame is on the wall, though it's yet to have a photo be put in it. Another frame sits on the space above Jeongin's bed, containing a certificate from his acceptance to his current University.

His gaze lingers on the door, he had not noticed the contents of it as he closed it earlier. There was a school calendar, notes scrawled all over it, saying the date of the exam week, what seems to be his family's birthdays, official holidays and school projects/homework reminders.

His eyes fell on Jeongin's shoulder, the rest of him was hidden behind a black and blue gaming chair. Chan shifts to his side, peering over what Jeongin was doing. The boy had his laptop open; he was skimming through hundreds of movies on Netflix, undecided on what to watch.

It was his first time having a friend over, and obviously his first time having a friend step inside his messy room. Jeongin mentally cursed at himself, he should've done what his mom told him to do. Her voice echoed ever so loudly in his head 'Clean your room!' it's as if she knew someone was coming over. Even though it was an everyday occurrence.

Lastly, Chan's eyes fell onto a black cork board, leaning on the wall, adjacent to Jeongin's bed, not yet hung. With his amplified eyesight, Chan can make out the photos and notes pinned to it. His smile grew ever so smugly. There were multiple polaroid photos, the ones they took during a picnic at the mansion's renovated garden, if it wasn't for Seungmin, they wouldn't even bother fixing that garden up.

It was too time-consuming. And the notes attached to the photos were the dates and details of that certain day. The photos and notes only occupied a small space, is he planning on putting more?

He stood up, leaning over to Jeongin. "So, what are we gonna watch?" Jeongin flinched, Chan had no presence at all. "You pick, I can't choose." Jeongin stood up, turning to see the state of his bed. His face grew crimson, and almost instantly, he fixed it up. Chan observes the boy, his eyes automatically focusing on Jeongin's bright red ears.

As soon as they agreed on a movie to watch, Jeongin told Chan they could sit on the bed. Chan, who's really weirded out by his sudden obedience to the mere mortal in front of him, followed his orders. 5 minutes into the movie, a soft knock made them look at the door. Emerging from the hallway was Jeongin’s mom with snacks and cans of soda.

"I'm sorry, but these are from you too." Chan smiles, saying it was okay. She leaves the room, turning off the lights as she closes the door. Chan wobbles in bed as Jeongin stands up, he throws him a bag of chips and opts to get two cans of cola before positioning himself beside the vampire. "You know I don't need to eat these"

"Those are for me." Jeongin said before he snatched the bag of chips from Chan.

"Your mom smells weird." Jeongin taps the spacebar and the movie continues to play. "What do you mean weird?" Chan shrugs, snatching the bag of chips from Jeongin's grip before the boy spills all over the bed and the floor.

-

"What if I shout near your ear?"

"Then I would go deaf."

"But you're a vampire!"

"Look, I can amplify my senses to god knows how high and screaming directly in my ear would definitely make me go deaf for a few seconds before it heals."

"H-Hey! Don't lift up my shirt!"

"I'm just trying to see if you sparkle."

"That's a fucking hoax. I'm not made of glitter."

Chan rolls his eyes, swatting Jeongin's roaming hands. He slumps back on the headboard, "Any more questions?" Jeongin crosses his arms, humming as he thinks with his face. "Do you get burned by holy water?'' Once again, Chan rolls his eyes, sighing in frustration.

The movie was done about 15 minutes ago, so they opted for a question and answer portion, after he vomited the contents laying on his non-functioning stomach. Although the boy does all the questioning. The moon was in full view in the sky, the clock beating slowly, relentlessly, from across the room. 11PM. "We don't. Vampires have no correlation with the church at all." Chan watches as Jeongin nods slowly. His eyes meeting the boy's curious ones, oh gosh, he's so full of questions. "Do you have a reflection?"

"Yes. I'm in control of that also."

"You mean...?" Jeongin's voice trails off, waiting for Chan to continue. He stands up, dragging the boy with him towards the bathroom inside  Jeongin's room. He stood in front of the mirror, Jeongin gasping in astonishment as Chan's reflection grew more evident. It was like someone was controlling the opacity of his reflection. They went back in the room, but this time, Jeongin was much closer. They sat beside each other, shoulders touching. "One last question." Jeongin's voice was now a bit lower, Chan couldn't see the emotion in his eyes. "Do you have a heartbeat?" Chan swallows the imaginary lump on his throat.

It was his opportunity; this is what the male leads do in the dramas he binge-watched with Changbin who was really fucking sick and tired of it but had no choice because Chan might actually kill him.

He stretches his arms in the air, gingerly placing an arm around the boy. Chan didn't understand why he was flustered when the boy leaned in to his touch. Jeongin's hair softly brushes against his cheek. He shifted, pulling the boy more to his side. "Yeah."

Jeongin hums, he was too embarrassed to even answer Chan. He was also curious about where Chan learned to do such cheesy moves. It's not that he didn't like it. He loved it. They sat in silence. Chan could hear Jeongin's erratic heartbeat turn into a soft tune, he used to be annoyed by that sound. Listening to the same rhythm for centuries was sickening. It was not soothing at all. But, somehow, his insights changed.

Chan took a deep breath in. This was his chance; within the 3 months they had met he never had the chance to talk about the 'bond mate' thing. The main reason for that is, Seungmin.

Although the witch has fully accepted everyone, he was still wary of the current situation. And it's hard to admit but Chan agrees also. This set-up is too complicated. What are the odds?

"Jeongin,"

"Yeah?"

"Are we friends?"

"Of course, we are."

"Do you like everyone in the mansion?"

"I love them."

"Then why don't you live with us?" Jeongin stiffens underneath his touch. The question caught him off guard. "It's not that easy."

"We can talk to your family about it. I'm sure they'll understand." Jeongin removes himself from Chan's grip, sitting at the edge of the bed with his head hung low. Chan was disappointed by the sudden lack of warmth coming from the boy's body, Jeongin's scent lingering underneath his nose. "They have no clue about your existence. I don't want them to get involved, Chan. I'm happy just the way we are now." Chan sits up, his cold gaze bearing down on Jeongin. "The way we are now is not enough." Jeongin snaps his head towards Chan, shivering as their eyes meet. "What do you mean? We're okay, I visit you guys constantly. We have fun times together. And that's still not enough?"

"For me, it's not." Jeongin's words were caught in his throat. His eyes faltered. "Jeongin, you're my bond mate." That term, that cursed term again. It was once brought up during the incident from before, but it still haunts him. As much as he cherishes the bunch, especially Chan. He doesn't want that kind of setup.

With eyebrows furrowed, Jeongin's tone grew louder, angrier "You cannot own me, Chan. No one can fucking own me. I am not an object. And you told me you can wait until I’m ready, and I’m telling you right now that I’m not."

"I am not owning you."

"Then what does that term mean? What does it mean being your 'bond mate'" quoting in the hair with his fingers, Jeongin slumps back, fully facing Chan. "We're destined to meet. And I have been waiting for you for God knows how long. I gave up a few centuries back because I don't really give a damn anymore. I didn't crave immortality, and I eventually didn't care about affection anymore."

Jeongin's breath hitched. Is that the reason why Chan was such a cold-hearted person? Why he only opened up to a few people, none of them were even human to begin with. Or is it just the tip of the iceberg?

"In human terms, it means I'm your soulmate."

Jeongin's stern gaze turned soft. The look on the vampire’s face was indescribable. Within 3 months, he changed into the vampire in front of him. He had met his family, his amazing, chaotic family. And was it really for the best? Was being Chan's bond mate the sole reason why he met the rest of the boys? What if he wasn't? What if he was just an ordinary kid who stumbled upon his shop, well he was, up until Felix told Chan that he was his bond mate.

He really thought the situation would grow worse. He thought Chan would force him into the idea, imprisoning him in the mansion. But if it wasn't for Seungmin and the wolves... maybe Chan would actually do that.

He closes his eyes, trying to avoid Chan’s gaze. He sighs deeply. Opening his arms as a smile forms in his face. "Let's talk about this next time. Okay?"

"But are you okay with this?"

"For now, yes. I want to cherish this moment just for now, please." Having no other choice, Chan sighs, instead of moving over to Jeongin's position, he pulls the boy towards him. The boy's head rested on Chan’s chest as Chan snakes his arms around him. 

"Okay."

Knowing that Jeongin wouldn't be able to see him. He frowned darkly, there was no progress at all. He wants Jeongin. But forcing the boy to live with them would probably be a bad move. He fell deep in his thoughts. But a familiar smell mixing in with Jeongin's was bothering the hell out of him. He knew that he would wait for him, to take all the time he needed to adjust but… he has this unsettling feeling that he just can’t shake off.

Meanwhile, Jeongin smiles in content. Chan is cold. His heart and mind used to be cold. His body was naturally cold. But, maybe, just maybe, he grew a little warmer. A little brighter. A little more positive.

He gasps silently, Chan does have a heartbeat. It's slow... painfully slow.

"MOM! THERE'S 8 HANDSOME GUYS IN FRONT!"

Almost instantly, Jeongin vanishes from Chan's grip, scurrying away down the stairs with a big excited smile on his face. A helpless anger simmered in Chan. "Looks like your date got foiled." Hyunjin's cheeky words travelled to his ear, fueling the anger inside of him. Groaning as he follows behind Jeongin.

"Beset on all sides by idiots."

[armorbirdpress]

Armor Bird Reviews: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - A One-And-A-Half-Year Retrospective

If you have been following my writings and ramblings and original works and DeviantArt favorites for long enough, you'll know that I am unashamedly a dinosaur fan - I never outgrew the phase because despite what people have told me both online and off, palaeontology, like other sciences, is not specifically a child's thing - obviously dinosaurs are cool, but there is a lot of technical stuff that you'd need college degrees to understand in the field, too. While I certainly am a stickler for accuracy when it comes to dinosaur portrayals, however, I am also not ashamed to admit that I have a love for fictional portrayals of them as monsters, too. Jurassic Park, which was - for its time - pretty much a reconciliation between the "prehistoric monster" imagery of dinosaurs in popular culture and the latest discoveries about the actual fossil animals during its production, is my favorite movie of all time, partly for this reason and partly because there's a lot of depth and sophistication to it as well - a sophistication that modern movies seem to be utilizing less and less. Even the Jurassic Park franchise itself was not immune to this trend, and although it still remains my top favorite franchise of fictional media, the changing conceit of what audiences want in an entertaining film has dragged it along for as much of a long and bumpy ride as just about everything else Hollywood has to offer. Still, even in spite of it all, there are a lot of things to like about the sequels we got since that groundbreaking original - I'm admittedly one of those people who actually enjoyed Jurassic Park III, though in fairness I was too young upon first watching it to really pick it apart and analyze its numerous flaws, and I also heaped a lot of praise on Jurassic World upon my first review of it... in hindsight, perhaps a little generously. Although I won't pretend that everything since The Lost World (including TLW itself) is flawless and that the complainers are wrong, even the infamously controversial JP3 had some enjoyable moments in its own right, despite being seen by many as the worst installment of the franchise by quite a margin.

Which leads us to the most recent film of the franchise, 2018's Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.

I had intended to review this movie for a good, long while - back when I was a more prolific writer I used to write film reviews shortly after seeing the movies in the theater, though schedule concerns have obviously made that too difficult. But there's a silver lining here, in that by not reviewing a film I've seen until much later (...well, much, much, much later as the case may be), I have the time to really sit down and think about what made the movie tick or not, and oftentimes have come down from my rush of excitement by the time I actually get off my tail and write the review itself. There are exceptions, of course, with certain films actually leaving me disappointed as soon as I left the building, but these cases are mercifully rare. I'm happy to say that despite being horrendously imperfect, Fallen Kingdom wasn't one of those cases. I was genuinely entertained by it more than 50% of the time - which is, for better or for worse, the highest compliment I can give the film because, as we shall see, in some ways it really is quite terrible.

As always with my movie reviews: SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

I watched Fallen Kingdom twice since its release - first in the theater at my home town, and then on rental DVD - and both times, my impression was the same: this movie, in retrospect, plays out much like a big-budget, cinematic fanfiction of the Jurassic Park films or even of Jurassic World (the latter of which I actually consider darkly hilarious for reasons that are highly specific to me exclusively, which you'd only understand if you know what I've written in the past - I'll get to that shortly). This is perfectly understandable, seeing as the director, screenwriter, and production crew have changed considerably from the team that helmed the original trilogy during the ten-year gap between JP3 and JW. Even if the work is canon, it's essentially someone else taking a look at the original franchise material, picking out what they liked about it, and building an original story off of it, oftentimes borrowing characters from the original work and inserting them in (most notably Rexy, and yes, I consider her as much of a character as the humans she menaced in the original movie). Across the board, in all kinds of franchises, this approach tends to fall flat if you don't know about the original work, though I do have to say that there was one very notable exception in the case of Jurassic World, that climactic fight scene with the Indominus rex, which is my favorite part of the movie even if it isn't entirely perfect. Now, I realize that I'm being a bit of a hypocrite by saying that these films are imperfect, because almost a decade ago, a friend and I co-wrote a megacrossover fanfic where Jurassic Park was the most prominent franchise by quite a margin (and didn't even start out that way to boot - my own selfish preferences caused elements of the franchise to slowly bleed in until a recycled plot of the second and third movies took over the whole thing). What makes it truly embarrassing to me is that the fic didn't even need the series' involvement in the first place, and my choice to shove it in anyway was one of the numerous factors that led to it going completely off the rails and turning into a tremendous tangled mess of clumsy writing and mishandled characterization, not just with JP itself but with almost all of the dozen other continua that got dragged in as well. Obviously, the fact that Fallen Kingdom is restricted by its very nature as a sequel to the one franchise only thankfully precludes the sheer absurdity of what my co-writer and I had inadvertently wrought back then, but upon rewatching the film I couldn't help but notice that in a few ways, it does ironically come off as being quite similar to my own old shame, albeit coincidentally, though it still earns points for choosing to be a Jurassic Park/World film and sticking with that conceit, rather than an entirely different film with JP elements shoehorned into it. I've harped on my stupidity as an immature fanfic writer back in the day for long enough, I think, but I felt this was worth mentioning regardless, because like the fic I touched upon above, this is a work I only started having issues with long after the fact, but these days I can't unsee these issues now that I've considered them.

One of the biggest things that stood out to me regarding Fallen Kingdom was that no matter how you slice it, it was trying to be two films at once, and had less time for both than most would have desired. The first half of the movie concerns Isla Sorna being destroyed by a volcano, and everyone trying to get the dinosaurs off of it before they are rendered extinct once again, with another island being noted as their new sanctuary (though of course, one of the antagonists quickly screws that plan over, but more on that later). You could easily make an entire film out of that - exploring the island one last time, dodging potential threats from both the volcano and the dinosaurs themselves, and coming to terms with the fact that not every creature can be saved, and that the end is coming for everyone eventually. The scene with the Brachiosaurus being overtaken by the eruption, with its plaintive wails and iconic rearing silhouette, is proof that such a moral could make a solid closing for this kind of movie, and heck, you could even have the subplot with the executives hoping to exploit the dinosaurs bleed into the movie until, at the very end, you get a scene where their true intentions with the animals are revealed as a sequel hook, rather than being resolved over the course of like half an hour or so in a rushed manner that gives people too little time to consider the implications. And this brings me to my next point.

Remember what I said about that dumb fanfiction I co-wrote having the elements I personally wanted more than my co-writer did slowly fester in true plot tumor fashion until they took over the entire story like literal cancer? As it turns out, what I witnessed in Fallen Kingdom wasn't quite as ridiculous, but kinda sorta similar in its own way. Obviously, Fallen Kingdom isn't so audacious (or ignorant of copyright laws and plain old common sense for that matter) as to let an entirely different franchise stage a gradual hostile takeover of itself, but the somewhat cliched plot of capitalist exploitation being the absolute worst roommate imaginable with a whole franchise's worth of temporally misplaced creatures that can and will kill you if you look at them funny - already done in both the original movie and TLW, and to some extent in JW as well, but still relatable in our current social climate even after so much repetition - still manages to... well, stage a gradual hostile takeover of the movie, and enforces itself in full force during the remaining third or so of the runtime. The antagonists, a pair of cartoonishly evil and somewhat flat executives, sabotage the plan so that the dinosaurs are diverted to the Lockwood Mansion instead of the sanctuary island, and then things escalate when the prototype Indoraptor is bought in and, inevitably, raises hell for everyone involved. As with my previous pitch, the idea of bidding wars over the dinosaurs and the moral debate over the ownership and exploitation of living creatures - something which does happen in the real world - could have made for something interesting, again, if the script wasn't so rushed. Continuing where the hypothetical sequel hook left off, we could open with a discussion between the villains about the implications of what they are doing, followed by the heroes having to deal with the ramifications of such actions along with the involvement of Dr. Wu, the Indoraptor, and of course Blue as a potential prize-winner. Of course this runs the risk of becoming the original Jurassic Park except on the mainland, and thus not really trying anything new, but it could at least give audiences the time to digest the film and appreciate the moments where it makes a genuine impact, even before the dinosaurs end up getting released into the mainland like what happened in the movie itself, complete with the insane amount of ramifications thereof. The Stygimoloch plowing its way through the bidders on its way to freedom was almost as cathartic for me to watch as the climactic fight in JW, and I wish it could've gotten more screentime, or even plucked up the guts to fend off the Indoraptor in a situation that doesn't seem forced, e.g. the hybrid and the Stiggy getting trapped in the same complex, or even Owen luring it over as backup (which is stupider but, given how he got it to bust him and Claire out in the movie itself, isn't entirely unreasonable). As for the Indoraptor itself, I feel like they could have done a bit better with its design, as even underneath the paint job and altered proportions it's still more or less "Indominus 2: Genetic Boogaloo", as I have called it at least once. Still, it has its own appeal as a monster design and, if it weren't for the presence of similar-looking creatures in previous installments of the series, it would certainly have made an impact as a monster. It's almost wolf-like in movement and mannerisms, even werewolf-like, which is intentional given the vintage horror movie homages the production team was going for. The way it menaces Maisie - who has her own set of plot-related craziness to her, but that's a can of worms I'd rather not open - makes you worry for her life, and even fear for Blue when she engages it in battle. I know I'm one of those who actually prefers antagonistic Velociraptors (the inaccurate variety from the films, not the smaller and fully feathered real-world version which I would absolutely take home with me if I could find a way to retrieve it from Cretaceous Mongolia and have it housetrained and okay I'll stop now), but Blue as always is awesome, and after seeing her actually manage to hold her own in her fight against the Indoraptor if only for a short while, there's no denying that anymore - even if that scene with her outrunning the explosion in the boiler room is a bit over-the-top even by the standards of this movie. There is of course no way a spectacle-driven, plaid-speed-paced romp like Fallen Kingdom could surpass the bar set by The Big One and the legendary kitchen scene, but on its own merits, the Indoraptor is a wonderfully serviceable and formidable threat that I just wish could've gotten more screentime and room to develop as a character, rather than just remaining as an unhinged killing machine that exists just to terrorize everyone before exiting the film (the same is true for all the dinosaurs here besides Blue, really, which is sad because, again, I much prefer when films develop monsters as characters rather than mere plot devices). With a little more design work to make him stand out more among the other critters in the franchise and more time to explore his nature, he could easily have become almost as iconic as The Big One as movie monsters go, or at least as much as the I. rex, though the latter bar is admittedly a good deal lower in the wake of how the movie industry has, ahem, evolved.

With that thought in mind, I will now spell out the biggest problem I had with this movie: the fact that it was trying to do so much in such a short space of time. Humorously and ironically, I know almost enough about the issues with my own writing to recognize the signs of that, with significant events being spaced too close to each other, too many characters at once (though admittedly, Zia and Maisie are a treat to watch, Franklin a bit less so but far from unbearable for my taste), and at least one questionable decision on the part of everyone at some point or another, up to and including the writers. There are a lot of things I liked, but not enough time for me to let them sink in, like I was being bombarded with one spectacle after another. It feels like overkill more than anything, and alas, far too many films in recent years have tried to shove that method into people's faces as though trying to say, "Here's your action, here's your fanservice, here's your whatever the whoopity-freaking-doo you consider entertainment, are you happy now?!" (Well, not quite as vitriolic and sarcastic, but you get the idea.) If the filmmakers and the owners of the franchise rights had been willing to accept four movies in the newer series rather than just three, and let Fallen Kingdom be broken up into two separate, slightly slower-paced movies, the problems with each individual portion would likely not have been as significant, and audiences would not have noticed them so readily. Sadly, though, the rapid-fire, dozen-blockbusters-a-year rush-job environment of the modern movie industry was not kind to this film, which is a crying shame. We need more movies that are more relaxed and subdued half the time, the way the original JP film was, and while audiences may have to take the time to once again get used to movies like that, I think it would be a welcome change of pace from the current influx of chaotic, nonstop slugfests and pyrotechnic displays we've become so familiar with.

In tl;dr form, it is with a heavy heart that I have to say that Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is, in fact, the worst film of the entire Jurassic Park franchise, even more so than JP3 - though don't get me wrong, as with JP3, I still very much enjoyed it as its own movie, as clumsily handled as it was at times (though even then, the movie itself isn't entirely at fault for it). There's a difference between a movie being the low point in its franchise and a low point among movies in general, a difference which a lot of reviewers need to understand before taking an undeserved dump over movies that could've been so much better if Hollywood had worked just a bit differently. You have to actually try to make a work of entertainment media I consider genuinely terrible, and it was actually a relief to me that even the lowest points of Fallen Kingdom still ranked somewhat midway between "meh" and "shakes hand eeeeehhhhhh" from my own subjective standpoint. I truly hope that the next and presumably final JP film will turn out for the better, especially given that Alan, Ellie, and Ian are all slated to have major roles in it, but I'm not going to dismiss Fallen Kingdom off the bat just because of the issues I have with its writing. If nothing else, it's a perfectly decent popcorn flick with prehistoric monsters in it - and hey, that was pretty much what everyone was there for, wasn't it?

Grading Scheme:

96 - 100: A+

93 - 96: A

90 - 92.9: A-

87 - 89.9: B+

83 - 86.9: B

80 - 82.9: B-

77 - 79.9: C+

73 - 76.9: C

70 - 72.9: C-

67 - 69.9: D+

60 - 66.9: D

Below 60: E

Grades:

Writing: 6

Characterization: 6

Pacing: 7

Creativity: 8

Consistency: 8

Cinematography: 9

World Building: 7

Music and Sound: 8

Effects: 10

Engagement: 9

Final Grade: 78 (C+)

[amuelle]

She…

After an endless situation-ship that would flare up and die down like arthritis. She finally decided that old one wasn’t good enough. He had a long tongue but he was everything except loyal, honest or down. Most importantly he didn’t want to be dangerous with her. Her benchmark for affection is the level of danger you are willing to put yourself in for her. The logic was, if you don’t want to throw rocks at my window or stay out past curfew. WHAT ARE WE DOING????

Then she met another man….

She didn’t like him at first. He was not her type nor incredibly attractive. He was however loyal, affectionate, caring and broke. To herself she could admit that she shouldn’t have let it go on for so long knowing how she felt, but vulnerable people do things they wouldn’t normally do. This is how she learnt to stop deciding things with a broken heart.

They were together, the how, who, when and why don’t really matter. Hurt, vulnerable and dealing with all the things that come with feeling like a failure, she met this man. This man who just wanted to give when all she wanted to do was take, so she took. Then as most women do, she started to give and give and ultimately her whole life became a painful penance to making him happy. She knew she was with him but deep down in her soul she felt like this relationship happened around her. She was watching myself go deeper and deeper down the rabbit’s hole and walking further away from herself but it wasn’t her. She didn’t feel like it was her…

He was everything she needed when we they first met. All he wanted to do was be with her, talking for hours and making her feel wanted. Wholly wanted. He was phenomenal and she was drunk off the attention and affection. In the beginning his overly critical nature could be ignored and how he was slowly alienating her from my friends and family. They were just falling in love. Spending all her time with him, she was allowing him to influence her movements but it didn’t seem like an issue. She was watching herself do all these things, it didn’t feel real.

The type of woman who wasn’t shy to help her man. If she had it, she would share it. And who else would she share it with other than her prince? He had encountered some legal trouble so she let him hold something. Then he lost his job and had NO prospects or side hustle and again she offered more financial support. He became a permanent fixture in her monthly budget, right next to roll on and hair spray. At this time a night out meant she footed the bill…it was all on her and he ALWAYS had to come with. It was always wrapped in guilt and it slowly started to develop into a situation where she couldn’t really go out with friends. If she did the night had to end with seeing him or speaking to him because people in love make time for each other.

Every time something good happened for her, the negative effect it had on his life was always the next topic. A friend asked her to be a bridesmaid – she would spend days with other people who weren’t him. Her mother wanted them to go shopping – She should buy him something, she had more than she needed and he had nothing. She had KFC for lunch – How could she eat that KFC alone? Did she stop to think if he had had anything to eat? Everything, simply everything had to be in service to making sure he was alright because he was going through something. She was his woman and that’s what women do for their men…right?

Social media became his primary tool for inciting her anxiety. To keep the peace she untagged herself from photos, unfriended people just to show there was no one else, deleted memories because they made him….not jealous…but insecure. It was laborious. One specific photo taken at a colleagues wedding. Her skin was flawless, hair was did and she looked amazing. He took issue with that photo. He told her to make sure the photo was deleted because it had a man in it and it made her look like a whore. (Whore was his favorite word when he wanted to rake her over the coals). She examined the picture and didn’t see a man. Finally she asked him to show her this man in a photo of her ALONE!!! There, in the top left corner, TINY out of focus and unnoticeable to the naked eye was a man in a black t-shirt…this was the man he was talking about. Not even in focus, or in the photo, they weren’t even touching, he was just walking past in the background when the photo was taken BUT she was a whore for even having this picture. (The bells started ringing but she thought she was being pedantic.) The photo was deleted and she stayed with him and continued to have her spirit chipped away at.

She used to ask herself all the time why she was still with him, haemorrhaging money, pride and happiness. She was set on convincing herself that she wanted to be in this relationship. Before this relationship she had been a very skittish dater.  One thing within six months that made her uncomfortable was enough, she would leave you and never entertain romantic notions of you, but that hadn’t worked for her. She was committed this time to trying something new. You can’t always run….right? She concluded that a half-baked relationship with someone that did not set her soul on fire was better than none at all. A bad boyfriend is a boyfriend. She could go and fit in with everyone in a relationship. Friends would stop ostracising her for not dating because she could be single with no children and be happy at her age. It was impossible. Everyone needs love and you need to be in a relationship, in fact any relationship to get love. You aren’t lonely in a relationship and society will accept you she thought. Better if you are in a relationship (even if it’s bad) because you literally have not a god damn thing to your name. You are ALONE so settle or else you will be SAD AND LONELY….FOREVER!!! (Women suffer and sacrifice in relationships. Men just don’t know better and they need to be taught). Many women dating or single in their 30s have felt this in a variety of ways. It was such a dreadful place to be emotionally and so she ended up settling and doing more damage to herself than just being by herself would do. She thought she was lonely and needed attention. She got it from someone who was trying to kill her from the inside.

Fear was a big part of why she stayed. Most women leave an average of seven times before being able to leave a bad relationship for good. She was afraid of him. She always felt like if she had a good time or did something she enjoyed he could smell it on her and then punish her for finding joy anywhere else except with him. The truth was he didn’t bring her joy. She had a deep sense of obligation to make sure she let him down easy because she didn’t have to keep talking to him and make him fall for her, she could have left him alone from the start, she didn’t have to call him when she was sad, he was in her life because she had asked him to and she had to take the good with the bad…..right? Besides, she was the only person who could help him. He told her that. He needed her and she was high off that even if it was killing her slowly.

When he wasn’t being manipulative or crazy he was a phenomenal support to her but he was crazy more than he was sane. He was always worried about how people perceived him. No one ever saw him be mean or hurtful but he was always awkward when they were in a public setting. He switched to be the nice guy trying to play captain save a hoe. From his perspective he got a lot of bad press from being with her. The onus of his unhappiness rested on her. Never him. From the day they got together she was the reason things didn’t work out in his life and she was responsible for making it better because she had let his image get tainted. People saw him differently because of her. All the negative press he would get because of her affected him. He would say no one took her seriously, all her male friends were just trying to get in her pants and she was naive not to see it. He also used to reiterate that EVERYONE thought she was a whore and he was doing her a favor being with her because no one would want to love her because she was such a whore.

What really used to make her feel like she was the issue was that he would say things like “you are the most important person in my life, why do you treat me so poorly when I love you. All those people who hurt you aren’t me” And he wasn’t wrong. The people responsible for her past hurt had nothing to do with him, that didn’t mean he wasn’t hurting her also. He was protecting her from her whore self. She wasn’t capable to being in a mature relationship and that why she had to stay with him and give everything she had to make their relationship work. He had sacrificed his good name to be with her, she owed him for that.

For his birthday, she took him shopping and then for dinner. He ordered doubles of one the most expensive whiskey on the menu, a steak, shots and whatever else he wanted. It was his birthday and she had offered but she would have appreciated some compassion for her bank balance. Knowing all her financial burdens he continued to have the best night of his life and later when she told him he was unappreciative of the little she was able to do for him he said if its little, its little and he would never pretend what she did for him was more than what it was. Those were the most hurtful words she had ever heard. It was said with the intention of being hurtful and soul crushing and it was. (The bells, sirens and blue lights were going OFF! But she was still not ready to let go and be single again because she had committed to trying to make her relationship work.) Swept up in a tornado that just kept spinning and she had totally forgotten herself. But one day….she remembered

During the course of their relationship she moved to a new city for work. He was happy for her but he couldn’t be happy for her unless he highlighted how desperate his own personal situation was. He was not so happy he couldn’t watch her moves and make her feel guilty about what she did with her time. Since the infancy of the relationship he had always had a way of accusing her of cheating at odd times. She wasn’t cheating. She wanted to give this relationship a chance. Accusing her of cheating and saying incredibly hurtful things was his way of maintaining control. She wanted to be nothing like this hurtful harlot he would describe so she began to change but he was never satisfied. Nothing she ever did was enough. It was her fault his life was not going the way he would have liked it to and she wasn’t doing enough to help him. IT WAS HER FAULT, SHE NEEDED TO FIX IT!!

This particular evening, on a video call he asked her to show him the room she was in. She showed him and he accused her of having a man in the room and he said he wanted to talk to him. That was the instant she reached her quota. For the first time in a long time she wasn’t in the mood. She didn’t want to stay up past midnight dealing with his insecurities reassuring him there was no one else in the room. She had to be up at 5am to get ready for work, today at 9pm she wasn’t doing this! So she slept. In the morning she had close to 100 text messages and 50 missed calls all blaming and accusing her, repeating that she was cruel for what she was doing. When she was finally in the mood to talk he maintained she was cheating. He said the reason she didn’t want to show him the room was because she had a lover laying in the bed with her.

Finally she snapped. It was just as good as taking off your heels after long night or the first few seconds when you hit the water of a bubble bath at exactly the right temperature. That release of all the strain and tension. It was everything she had needed to feel. It felt like she was free! Breaking up with him was tantamount to buying a new life. She didn’t care about being ostracized because she couldn’t keep a man. She didn’t mind friends opting not to meet up with her because their partners were uncomfortable them spending time with single women. It didn’t matter anymore. She was alright having nothing but the clothes on her back, the love in her heart, no dog or cat because she was at peace without him. All the judgement in the world wasn’t worth her peace of mind.

 She is me, this is my story. My peace of mind as I’ve learnt is priceless….

Bisou..bisou

[thedetectiveofinaba]

@themsisversed​ continued from here!

…she blinks when Akechi pulled out the napkin and wiped the apparent traces of blueberry from both of their lips. “Akechi-san what - thanks, I suppose…?” She swore that she couldn’t make any sense of him: if this was another one of his distraction tactics he sure was creative and or it was something entirely else he surprised the first Detective Prince. She’d feared for the worst when the media had asked the detectives about the case progression and generally about Tokyo PD. The claims of Tokyo PD not progressing at all were a bit too harsh true - yes, they were lagging which she agreed due to its paranormal nature and the state of this city - but they still were pesky and struck a low blow.

She’d have to appreciate the courtesy Goro had for suggesting to visit Pancake House, though. It had given her an opportunity to try addressing the issue before it escalated. Akechi-san, you’re avoiding the issue and pretending that it didn’t sting. I can see it in you: I’m a detective and know how pride and fame is important to both of us. Secondly: how on Earth were you that suave while doing that!? She bemoaned mentally on when this brainy dumbass could understand this. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife and no Lion King references could take that away. The last sentence, if anything, confirmed this to her. (If she ignored the fork trick, that is: it was a polite move to protect Naoto’s clothing from the food scraps and a proof of things to her.) He was still not ready to deal with this and was reluctant to admitting not being flawless.

‘Maybe it’s a smarter move to give him space.’ She looked as calm as ever when exclaiming how it seemed to be the best move for both of them. “We can always prove them wrong and take control of things we can. They’ll never see the endurance and hidden potential standing out, and it’ll lead us to success.” You could see a small glint of interest in her eyes when she tried changing the subject on if he was a regular here or not.

[the-little-red-noodle]

4/22/17 10:25pm a letter to my writing teacher about callum

you’ve probably gotten the email by now, so why haven’t you said anything? Well that’s tough, because you haven’t said anything for months, not since that night when, I guess, you thought you’d said everything you needed to.

I want to hear your side of the story

I never thought I’d have to defend myself so much to you, especially considering you were the one who fucked up between us. You abandoned me when I reached out for friends. You told me “If you ever need support, just ask for it. I want to be there for you always.” Well I was asking. 

Hey where are you? I need a friend right now

You never responded that night. I saw a half assed text the next morning of, “Hope it all worked out.” But that was bullshit and you should have known that. As your self-described best friend on campus, I would have expected a little more warmth, but I knew where you were. I knew you were with the problem, and you’d take her side because god forbid you risk blue balls helping your friend.

I wasn’t even mad that you two were getting to know each other, you never would have met without me. I hope it gives you both hell that I set you up. Me, this 'disgusting racist, stupid bitch.’ 

White people don’t talk about politics

The catalyst for this clusterfuck of my sophomore year was her, ranting about how white people are all inherently racist because they don’t talk about political issues at family events. I wasn’t even the first one to call her out on this. The whole room seemed on my side that there are a lot of reasons why people wouldn’t want to start fights over politics with older relatives. It seemed so strange to me how mad she was that people were challenging her. She scoffed and glared and sent huge angry rant texts to you about how the whole room called her out. Eventually the conversation lost the topic and it just sat with me.

Hey I don’t mean to start fights, but this thing you said yesterday kind of rubbed me the wrong way so I was wondering if we could clear it up? I just don’t feel like its fair to say that ALL white people avoid political discussion ALL the time. Its not appropriate to debate grandma on your differing views on politics at christmas because fighting at christmas just isn’t cool to do. You think I wouldn’t like to talk to those relative that i disagree with and argue my side? You don’t do that at thanksgiving. 

Im not going to defend white people. You dont talk about politics because you don’t need to, racial issues don’t affect you.

Ryan’s thanksgiving had the same parameters to not talk about politics.. His extended family is all japanese, but they still don’t agree on political issues that aren’t about race, like money and women’s rights..

*ignores my point* if they disagree with you then you should cut them out of your life. you shouldnt sit idly by while your family is racist.

there are a lot of reasons why you shouldn’t cut yourself off from relatives.. money reasons, or the fact that they’re family...

*scoffs*

I never meant to get her angry at me. I hate confrontation as much as the next introvert, I just didn’t like feeling like things were unsolved. I never expected her to blow up. That night after we parted from a her screaming at me for 2 hours, I texted you for help. I reached out. you were the one who abandoned me, but that didn’t matter. You only heard her side of the story when she was angry and getting high off aggression. That didn’t mean that you had to defend her and ask for my side in a nasty way. I thought you knew me better than to think I was such an awful person, or believe the lies she was telling you.

You weren’t even there, you don’t know what I said

You’re disgusting. You’re a racist. You deserve what’s happening.

I would expect a fight from the problem girl, but not from you. Did you forget about every night you came to my door to cry on my shoulder? Did you forget that I made you dinner every other night for the past two years? Did you forget every time that you said you needed a friend, and I was there? Apparently none of your previous memories of me were as fact as what she was telling you. Forget about the years of our friendship built on honesty, and support, even when you messed up. I took your side in your first breakup, I believed you. I held your head in my lap as you sobbed about how she hurt you. That was me being there for you, not Ms. Problem. but i guess i’m happy i could secure you a side chick for the rest of the year, my parting gift. But through our whole fight, past you calling me a disgusting racist, was calling me stupid. You knew my weak spot. Years of being the dumb blonde and bullied in middle school to eventually dyeing my hair; things you knew. Thus you sculpted your flawless argument of attacking my intelligence

Use your fucking pea sized brain you idiot and read what i just fucking wrote you. Are you really that dumb?

I just want to know what I did wrong.. what did i even do to you?

You are impossibly dense, fucking retard

When you only hear one side of the story, you believe it. That’s true of you, along with the rest of my now ex friend group. I was the only one who didn’t live in this house. The whole lot of 10 people who I thought i was friendly with took the same side you did, blind hate for me. I don’t know what I expected from the rest of this group. Gossip and berating other students was just their way of bonding, and i was the next target wheeled out. 

It feels like my feet are drilled to the floor as this gang takes an archery class. None of them heard my side, and they never would. instead, they collectively shunned me.  Ms. Problem kicked me out of the musical crew for Cabaret. Both relieved to not see them anymore and angry at her, I didn’t come back. The whole crew blocked me on social media and would avoid my gaze as I passed by. Some openly glare at me and give me death stares. There is nothing more isolating than your only friend group one day deciding to hate you, and you never get to defend yourself. You’re just screaming under water, no one can hear you, or rather bothers to listen.

Do you feel good harboring this much hate inside you?

No, but I’d rather keep it to myself and you fucking stop trying to talk to me

This is ridiculous.. I’m just gunna go cuz I can’t take you attacking me like this.

Good, finally you’ll leave me the fuck alone

I never thought our friendship would end like this. that was the last conversation we ever had. Those will always be your famous last words to me. A text fight ending with ‘Finally you’ll leave me the fuck alone.’

You used me for 2 years. Convinced me that you valued our friendship, pretended to care when i was broken, and lapped up my generosity.

you always preferred your significant other to your friendships. you would ditch me in a heartbeat if she said she missed you. ironically, i hope you treat Ms. Problem better than that and don’t run back to your ex. Despite being my bully, I still believe she deserves better. No one wants to be someones second choice, like i apparently was for years. It’s such a disappointing feeling when you learn the hard way that you cared way more than the other person.

I feel too soft to stand up for myself, I am so easily steam rolled and affected. Like stepping on gum, I stick to all the hate and can’t let it go. “Kids can be mean”, my mother would tell me. I feel guilty for complaining and for taking everything so personally. i was just trying to have a civil conversation. i never said anything about race, or racially fueled. I wasn’t trying to defend white people either, I just didn’t want to sit idly by while my friend said a pretty prejudiced statement. I just wanted to hear her out more and speak civilly and have a conversation like grown ups, and from that sparked two huge fights that cost me my two closest friendships on campus and an entire friend group 

sometimes i dont even have the strength to be angry, i just curl up and cry. i’ll get glared at and cry, or get another nasty message and cry. i feel haunted and terrorized and bullied but also guilty for saying anything at all.

something that had been eating at me was the brown paper bag of your things that you’d left in my apartment. a constant reminder of the friendship no longer. a red bowl and a red spoon, followed by your owl mug. id cook you dinner every night in that bowl and hot chocolate in that mug and we’d eat on my cardboard box table on the floor of this room and talk about the little things. that was then. now i was haunted by your little napsack of memories. you’ve probably already gotten the email. i went running around campus to student affairs and westlands desk to finally have the purple door accept it as a lost and found item.

Hi i have this bag of stuff that belongs to a student, but i dont feel safe continuing communication with him, can you take it? its just some kitchen stuff but the other places wont hold it..

we can email him that we have it

thank you

[sapphia]

13 Reasons Why and Romanticising Suicide

Suicide is a tricky subject. It’s hard to talk about; it’s especially hard to talk about in a good way. Netflix’s new series, “13 Reasons Why”, based on the book of the same name, tackles the issue of teen suicide due to bullying  and peer ostracisation, and tumblr has had a mixed reaction to the content, from praising it’s take on this nuanced issue to accusing it of romanticising suicide. So I think it’s time we talk a little bit more about what romanticising suicide actually means. 

Romanticising shitty things is just something that tends to happen, whether the subject is mental illness, unhealthy behaviours, or just grabbing a frappe from starbucks. (No offence to star bucks, although maybe consider supporting your locally owned cafes). We like pretty things. We like meaningful things. We like poetry and symmetry and pictures with colour schemes. We like things that make sense and have purpose and fit neatly into our painfully-ordered lives. Rain that looks pretty in a picture or romantic in a movie scene is a bit more of a pain in the ass when you get stuck in it on your way home from the bus stop. But that’s okay, because there’s no harm in pretending it’s enjoyable and perfect when we’re just thinking about the weather. 

But when it comes to more serious topics like mental illness, romanticising things can be a serious problem. When you romanticise self-harm, you encourage young and impressionable teenagers to take up the behaviour. When you romanticise mental illness you trivialise the problems of people with those conditions and discourage them from seeking help because of the effect it has on society’s attitude towards it. And suicide is the trickiest thing of all because it has the most final consequences. 

When people are suicidal, they’re more impressionable. Their minds are already telling them to kill themselves, whether it’s a powerful urge, a calculated plan, or just a nagging voice in the back of their head telling them for years and years and years how much better the world would be without them. Often, they’ll spend a lot of time thinking about what would happen if they did; how they’d do it, what would happen after, how it would feel, how people would react, why they should do it, all the pros and cons. 

And when you’re thinking about something all the time, and a piece of media comes along and makes suicide seem more glorious or idealistic than it already did? That can push people over the edge. 

There is a spike in suicide trends every time a celebrity commits suicide. News coverage can help or hinder this - for example, focus on the method of suicide can increase suicide statistics, while it’s common practice to talk more about the victim’s life because it’s believed to decrease suicide attempts. You might remember when Robin Williams died last year, some posts going around telling people not to make posts about how he was “an angel in heaven” or the like, because it might encourage people to also attempt suicide. 

Literally anything that makes suicide look neat or desirable or in any way positive can be a huge problem. And it’s so hard not to do that - almost impossible to do it perfectly. 

13 Reasons Why comes from a good place. It’s trying to raise awareness of suicide due to bullying - both passive and active. But despite that, it still has a few problems, especially at the start.

Film and TV are especially hard, because things need to look nice otherwise its not considered good media. Even crappy high school hallways and dingey bathrooms need to look visually appealing - and in the few high quality movies or shows where they don’t, they still look cinematographic, with a certain aesthetic appeal. On TV, girls walk around wearing perfect makeup, flattering clothes, and no acne to be seen. Teenagers are played by actors usually five years older than their characters (at least), and look a lot better for having already been through their gangly, awkward, voice breaking, acne phase, and for possessing adult, filled out bodies. We’re so used to seeing this that I literally don’t think you could get a TV show made without most or all of these features. 

So already we have a problem. There’s a reason why teenagers want their lives to be like Pretty Little Liars, or even dystopian universes, despite how awful the lives of the characters are. People see all the above things and they want it. And they want tv character problems where storylines come in full round circles, and when that guy rejects you its okay, because it was just setting up your true love, the boy next door type who was the perfect gentleman, always, and has been in love with you since he was two. In TV, bad storylines are rewarded with happy endings, or at least some good moments in the middle. In real life, shit happens, not usually for a reason, and doesn’t usually result in something great happening. Even a story about a girl going through so much shit that she kills herself has a draw that can make the viewer think “I wish I was her”. 

And that’s just the shit that applies to all tv. That’s not even touching on the specifics of the show. 

I was incredibly uncomfortable watching the first few episodes of 13 Reasons Why. It did get better as the story went on; especially by the eleventh episode when Hannah tells what Bryce did. Her rape makes it a lot clearer why she’d want to tell her story, and it sort of implies that, while she “blames” the other twelve for her death, they are also her witnesses. She sends the tapes to them first because she wants them to know what he did to her, about the action that actually broke her and made her decide to kill herself. 

But at the beginning, we  know nothing about that. We just hear a girl who killed herself narrating about why she did it, and how there are thirteen people who are directly responsible. And what’s worse, we see their guilt. We see these people cut up about her death and their role in it. Which is a problem. 

Its very natural for suicidal people to fantasize about what will happen after they die. Its common for people to imagine and take some level of comfort and/or pleasure in the fact that people will mourn for them. If they feel underappreciated or ignored or angry at a perceived slight, it can be heartening and encouraging for them to think that after their death, the people around them that didn’t pay them enough attention or wronged them in some way will finally see the error of their ways. 

Not in a nasty way. Not in a “I’ll prove I was right way”. And not everyone who is suicidal feels this way, and even those who do often experience those emotions mixed with guilt at the pain that they’re causing. But it is a common phenomenon, and it is something that 13 Reasons Why indulges to a ridiculous extent. Creating 7 cassette tapes and a map and having a group of people individually chase after the reasons why they did it? Having her narrate in a way that seems like she’s still alive and watching this while we watch aforementioned people fall apart because of her death? It feels a lot like a wish-fulfilment thing for someone who’s suicidal. Intentional or not (and I think probably not), a lot of suicidal people - or hell, just people - will watch that and think that that’s a good idea. Why do you think people write suicide notes? They want to leave something meaningful behind. They want to believe someone cares, or cared, or will care, about them and about how they felt. Which isn’t wrong, or a bad thing. But the cassettes indulge this to a ridiculous extent, and it is something that romanticises suicide. 

It’s hard to avoid doing that. It’s almost impossible to make a teenage show without using adult actors with flawless makeup, most of whom are rich so the surroundings look nice. It’s hard to create a show where your main female character isn’t beautiful and quirky with a fun personality and confidence and just the right amount of quirkiness. (I’m not going to say Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because Hannah wasn’t that. But she had a lot of the attributes of that trope that make her a likeable and relatable character. Like that bus scene. Boys love her and girls want to emulate her, because she’s interesting and pretty and people like her.). 

And its hard to tell a story about suicide that shows the grief people feel without the risk that suicidal people will get that feeling of vindication at the idea that the people they love will miss them. Its fucking hard. And I think the show did a good job of showing the characters so devastated by Hannah’s death that at least people might think twice about the pain people will feel after they’re gone. But aesthetically retro cassette tapes? The world’s longest suicide note, carefully outlining all the wrongs people had done her? Sending the boy who Loved Her Purely but due to bad timing and poor choices never got to be with her even though they loved each other? That’s not helping. It makes the story, and it makes the story good and enjoyable, but it’s not helping. 

The book and the show had the right intentions. But their message wasn’t “Don’t kill yourself”. It was “Your actions and words can have grave consequences”. It was a great message to send to people who might carelessly hurt someone who can’t take it, or whose “harmless fun” could drive people to take dire actions. It wants to make you think about the harm you’re inflicting upon others, and where that harm could lead. But it’s not a story that is discouraging already suicidal people from killing themselves. It’s not a story that’s encouraging them to seek help, to reach out. 

13 Reasons Why is a good show. It has a good message. It has its flaws, even outside of the romanticising suicide question, but the story it’s telling is important. But it does fall into pitfalls it should be trying harder to avoid. And the fact that the later episodes make up for the romanticism in the first few doesn’t really help the people who never get to that part. 

[ketzwrites]

Is this send me a pairing thing still valid? :D Because I'd like Malec + “Can we pretend I didn’t just say that?"

Not anymore :D yours is the last one, darling.

But I gotta say, I’m particularly proud of that one. I’m sorry it took me a lifetime to write it. I hope the wait is worth it

Huge, huge thanks for @sargentcow 

Magnus Bane was an expert in flirting. There was no denying it. Some people were born as great artists, some people were mathematical geniuses. Magnus Bane had been blessed with the ability to charm. For the better part of his life, he had been exulting on pure charisma alone, entrancing the people around him with a few well-placed smiles and a couple of witty comments. It came naturally to him and he barely had to think before speaking anymore, he just did.

In retrospect, that was probably what made everything go so horribly wrong when tactless, no nonsense, practical Alec Lightwood stormed into his life. Because when a born charmer falls in love with a pragmatic, disaster strikes.

Not that Magnus could’ve foreseen the completely fiasco of a relationship, judging by its start. The night Isabelle had introduced him to her dear brother, Magnus and Alec had hit it off right away. Sure, Magnus’ innuendos were often lost on Alec, but he laughed at his silly puns and, by the end of the night, they had exchanged phones numbers and more than a few lingering stares.

After that, a date was inevitable. Alec was the one to ask Magnus out, to their mutual surprise. They had spent a lovely afternoon at the Natural History Museum and had ended the date at a lovable sushi place after laughing all day long.

Okay, they had actually ended the date in Magnus’ loft, more specifically his bed, but alas, some of us are trying to sound romantic here, people.

Second date came, and then the third. By the fourth date, they were calling each other boyfriend and having fun at their friends’ expanse by having inside jokes. Their relationship was the best thing that had happened to Magnus since he had discovered makeup and he had never been that happy with anyone else.

Alec made life seem like happy summer days. He was impossibly smart and twice as kind. His eagerness to please was only surpassed by his stubbornness and Magnus was reminded of what real honesty was every time they talked.

But Alec wasn’t flawless and he could also make the sunniest day feel like the depth of winter. He was short-tempered and tended to lash out when he felt cornered. He internalized most of his feelings and a lifetime being pressured to be the perfect son, brother and man by his parents’ distorted standards had made it impossible for him to cherish who he really was in the light of who people wanted him to be. Alec had no problems to let his siblings take advantage of him and he didn’t care to be civil to people he disliked, which, truth be told, was most people.

At that time, Magnus had attributed all of that to Alec’s age. Being eight years older than him, Magnus had more often than not let rude comments and frankly obnoxious behavior slip by because he thought Alec would grow out of it. That is, when he wasn’t downright patronizing with sighs and the occasional “Oh, Alexander, just shut up and kiss me”.

It wasn’t only Alec’s flaws that Magnus would brush over, though. Magnus had an issue with opening up himself, thanks to some past lovers that shall remain nameless in her French fashion, so more often than not he’d prefer to ignore problems than to talk them through. Rationally, Magnus knew that was a recipe to disaster, but whenever he saw the frustrated and almost desperate look on Alec’s face as they started fighting, he felt it was better to change subjects. Desirably, to the bedroom.

Needless to say, their relationship crushed and crumbled after little more than an year together. At least it had been a mutual consensus and they had ended that chapter of their lives with the knowledge that although they had lost a lover, they still cared too much for each other to keep on hurting like that.

By then, however, both Alec and Magnus had earned their places in each other’s group of friends, which meant there was no staying away. Magnus was Clary’s and Izzy’s first choice for a shoulder to cry on or a fun night out after a stressful day at work. Simon was still trying to impress him, or at least make Magnus remember his name. Even Jace liked hanging out with him, despite their not-so-friendly arguing from time to time.

At the same time, Ragnor absolutely adored Alec, since he did not take Magnus’ bullshit and that was frankly refreshing. Catarina had adopted Alec after he got into med school and they could spend hours talking. Tessa had once told Magnus that if he did not marry Alec, she would have one of her boyfriends do it. Not to mention Raphael, who had taken a liking into Alec when they realized they hated the same things.

There was no avoiding each other. Which was fine, totally fine. Magnus was glad to realize that he cared so much for Alec, he’d gladly stay friends with him. They still had hour long talks, they still discussed their favorite books and movies, they still drank together.

But only when there was at least two more people around and as long as those two people weren’t a couple. That was the first unspoken rule that everyone knew and nobody disputed. Magnus and Alec never hung out alone, although they secretly still had a private chat on their phone nobody knew about.

The second unspoken rule was that if one of them was seeing someone, the other could not vent about them where the single one could hear. That rule was established when Alec ranted about a guy he had been dating during movie night at Clary and Jace’s and Magnus proceeded to mistreat the guy so much afterwards - purposefully forgetting his name, arranging restaurants reservations so there was no place for him to sit, outright telling him to his face he wasn’t good enough to even breathe the same air as Alec -, the guy broke up with Alec.

Magnus did not regret that one, especially because he could see the relief on Alec’s eyes beneath the anger when he came to confront him after the break up.

It was ridiculous, but the rules had been working fine for the last four years, which was everything that Magnus needed. He had dated and/or slept with a fair number of people since then, but Magnus was starting to grow worried. He was almost thirty-seven now and it looked like New York simply did not have anyone that was right for him.

At least, nobody who made him feel like he did when he was with Alec. Nobody who Magnus could love despite their flaws. Nobody that could love Magnus despite his flaws.

But alas, it’s no use crying over spilled milk. Alec had done a lot of growing up in the last couple of years and Magnus was proud of him, of the person he had become. It wouldn’t be fair if Magnus didn’t let go of his old crush and got over it. They were friends now and friends didn’t pine after each other forever.

It was good, then, that Isabelle had called for an emergency night out. Magnus hated feeling like he was going to die alone and he would gladly drink those thoughts down with his favorite people in the world. Ragnor had confirmed, though he said he was going to be late. Simon and Clary were coming too, though Jace was stuck at the precinct. Raphael had said drinking on a Tuesday night was beneath him and Cat was out of town.

Magnus had arrived early, to his standards, which meant he was right on time. His last client of the day had wrapped up their meeting after Magnus told him to shut up and listen if she wanted her house to look the slightest bit decent.

You see? Magnus definitely needed a drink.

He walked into the wolf’s den checking his messages to see if anyone was already there. Such a weird thing to do, wait for the rest to arrive.

“Magnus!” A familiar voice called and, of course, it was Alec. He was sitting at their usual table alone, but for a bottle of beer.

Blinking, Magnus put away his phone and smiled, gesturing to the bar. He got himself a cosmopolitan before joining Alec at the table and drunk half of it on the way there. “Just the two of us for now?”

Alec nodded, but he didn’t seem worried. “Izzy said she’s on her way and I just spoke to Ragnor. He finished the chapter he was working on, so he should be coming too.”

“Brilliant,” Magnus said quietly. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been alone with Alec like that and it was making him nervous.

Especially because Alec looked so calm. In the almost six years knowing each other, Magnus ought to have gotten used to Alec’s cool façade but he hasn’t. There was something in his sharp beautiful lines and the eye Alec’s hazel eyes always seemed to be reading the situation with absolute precision.

Magnus cleared his throat. “So, how have you been? It’s been, what? Weeks since we last talked?”

“I guess.” Alec nodded and took a sip of his beer. “I’m okay. Passed all my exams.”

“That is great! Not that I had any doubts you would.” Magnus smiled proudly. Alec had always been hard-working and never more so than after getting into med school. “How’s the internship going?”

“Rough, but good.” Alec smiled a little and Magnus could see he seemed tired, but impossibly happy. “How about your clients? Anyone wanting to paint their walls vomit-green again?”

Magnus sneered and shook his head. “Not recently, but let’s not get our hopes high. I’ve expanded business to New Jersey.”

“Oh no.” Alec snorted. “That’s just asking for trouble.”

“You know me,” Magnus said with a shrug and batted his eyelashes at him. “Trouble is my middle name.”

Alec just shook his head, but he was smiling behind the bottle of beer he busied himself with drinking. They stayed quiet for a couple of minutes and Magnus checked his phone for any news of their other friends. There was nothing.

“You don’t think…” Magnus began, but he stopped mid-sentence. The puzzled expression on Alec’s face made him chuckle. “Sorry, I’m being ridiculous.”

“What?” Alec asked, still confused.

Magnus pushed his lips together, but then he stopped, because that was Alec’s habit to do, not his. “It’s just… You don’t think they set this up, do you? Pretend to settle a night out and then bailed so it would be just the two of us?”

“Why would they do that?” Alec frowned and he seemed even more at lost. “They know we don’t… We don’t hang out alone.”

“That’s why.” Magnus suddenly felt unable to stare at Alec’s eyes, but he powered through it. A bit. It would’ve been easier if his heart wasn’t racing so fast. “Maybe they thought we could, you know, use some alone time.”

If Alec was feeling how Magnus was, though, he was doing a remarkable job in pretending otherwise. “To do what?” He asked in a way that made it sound like an accusation.

Magnus huffed. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe talk? About us? About the fact that neither of us had ever had a stable relationship since we broke up? Or the fact that we are still each other’s first choice to talk on our phones, but we avoid to be physically alone together like the plague? Or the fact that I always go to that necklace you gave me when I need to be confident about my outfit? And that I see you doing the relaxing techniques I taught when you’re anxious?”

When he finished his rant, Magnus could see the emotions shifting in Alec’s expression. He went from confused to alarmed to guilty and finally to perplexed. But it wasn’t just Alec’s face that Magnus was paying attention to. He also looked at the way Alec was rubbing his thumb on the inside of his hand and how he pushed his lips together, about to speak but saying nothing.

Until he did, in a small voice that did not match the strong man he was. “What are you saying? I thought… I thought you had moved on.”

“Well, I clearly didn’t, despite my great efforts.” Magnus inhaled sharply. “And I think the others know it too and they have set us up so we could talk this through. I blame your sister.”

Alec nodded. “That’s something Izzy would do.”

Sighing again, Magnus drew strength from the necklace he was wearing. Not for nothing, it was the one Alec had gifted him on his birthday when they were together. “Okay, I’ll start. I love you, Alexander, and that is very clear because I do not hide it. What I try, and obviously fail to, hide is that I am still in love with you. I have always been and I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon. So there. That’s how I feel.”

It took Alec a moment to get over his astonishment. When he did, there was a new determination on his eyes and his hand moved in the direction of Magnus’.

And then a voice sounded from a few feet away. “Hey guys!” Isabelle said, coming in the bar in a rush and taking a seat besides her brother. “Sorry. I know I’m late, but Simon offered me a ride. He’s parking the car with Clary, they should be here any moment now.” She smiled and placed a kiss on Alec’s cheek. “What are we talking about?”

Magnus smiled, showing all of his teeth. “My stupid client and her stupid ideas.”

“My favorite topic, then. Because I too have a stupid client with stupid ideas.” Isabelle smiled and then waved at the door as Clary and Simon walked in.

Using that moment of distraction, Magnus got his phone out. It had been stupid of him to think anyone aside him was still milking on that story. Of course not. Damn, Alec probably was about to tell him he had been over Magnus for ages now. He had to make amends  before it blew up on his face.

Can we pretend I didn’t just say that? Magnus typed and sent. Thankfully, Alec had his own phone in his hands and he looked at the text as soon as it arrived. As Clary and Simon sat down, Alec threw an unreadable look at Magnus’ direction that could only mean one thing. Yes.

And thus began the worst night of Magnus’ life. He tried to pretend everything was fine and that he was having the time of his life talking amenities in front of the man he had just confessed his still very alive love for. Never mind that Alec had fallen into introspective silence for the rest of the night, Magnus couldn’t stop himself from looking at him from time to time, waiting for anything. A look, a sign, a word. Anything.

But Alec gave him nothing but silence. He didn’t even look in Magnus’ direction for the rest of the night.

Magnus was pretty sure their friendship was over. When that realization came, he lost his will to keep pretending he was alright. Magnus just excused himself, not even bothering to give an excuse as simple as a headache, and went home.

He was still crushing the Chairman against his chest when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

A text from Alec. No. No, we can’t.

Tired and feeling sincerely hopeless, Magnus didn’t have the energy to fight. He simply closed his eyes and put his phone down, wondering if he could buy a ticket to Siberia in the morning.

But then another text came. Because I’m still in love with you too.

[pinkpeccary]

tldr: i have a philosophy assignment to work with a partner to lead a discussion on Janet Halley’s  “The Move to Affirmative Consent”, a piece that i think is well argued and articulates a lot of things about the movement that i struggle with, as well as going into why radfem influences in this are dangerous and conservative, specifically in the legal context. my partner has opposing opinions to mine which i don’t want to deal with because they feel like they come from a place of emotionally charged kneejerk reaction rather than actually considering the argument. (i might be being harsh here, idk i’m tired and annoyed). 

under readmore bc it got long enough i don’t want to make people scroll

in my philosophy class we got paired up at the beginning of the semester to do a seminar presentation, meaning each pair picked one of the readings to research and present on during the day we were discussing it in class. my partner picked Janet Halley’s “The Move to Affirmative Consent” and i didn’t really have a preference so that’s what we ended up with.

i like this piece a lot. the main argument is basically that the push for affirmative consent policies is coming from the radfem desire for social control through punishment by reducing the definition of consent to the subjective concept of “desire” or “unwantedness”, which is pretty much impossible to gauge in a court of law, and that parts of the definition given by the California laws specifically are heading dangerously close to the realm of “guilty until proven innocent.” Halley is a legal scholar, and as such is approaching this issue from a legal standpoint, questioning the desire to make the law the decider of what is consent especially when the definitions given can be interpreted in so many different ways and the concept of unwantedness alone is too subjective to be used as the sole basis for legal proceedings.*

i do get that this is a hot-button issue. parts of her argument really are her saying “these policies make it easier for men* to get convicted of crimes they didn’t commit” which is easy to misinterpret as “we need to protect poor innocent rapists whose lives will be ruined by these accusations”. but really what’s going on is she’s saying it’s not okay to set a legal precedent for putting the burden of persuasion on the defendant, and that the push for it is not out of genuine goodwill but comes from the radfem belief that because of the patriarchy if a woman ever has sex with a man it’s coerced by societal norms and therefore all men who have sex with women are evil rapists. (she does a much better job of arguing this than i am in summarizing it)

anyways. i skimmed this piece a month or two ago to get a sense for it leading up to the presentation and my initial response was “cool, this seems like good thoughts? would have to read more in-depth tho.” then i ignored it for a while. but tuesday is our presentation day, so we decided to meet up to work on it today. so i did a very close reading of it while waiting for my partner to tell me when she was free, and realized that i really do agree with most of what she’s arguing, and that she’s putting into words a lot of things i’ve struggled to express about my feelings towards consent***

so i came out of this thinking, “great! i can talk about this!” but we need to give a critical response, which includes both what we found compelling and what we disagree with (or why we don’t disagree with anything). so i started trying to come up with something to disagree with, but the problem was at that point any potential counterclaims i could come up with were too easy for me to rebut.

then my partner arrived 30 minutes late, and first off: clearly had not read the entire piece. which was annoying. but she had opinions about it. and she found opinions about it on reddit. and her opinions were very counter to mine. 

basically, she was upset that Halley was criticizing affirmative consent because it’s such an important thing. we have to have a practical connection to some sort of event or something that we analyze through the lens of the piece, and her suggestion was “maybe we could find an example of a case where affirmative consent was necessary, to show she’s wrong about it”. at one point i brought up the bit about how since consent is defined so loosely and subjectively it often comes down to he-said-she-said, and it’s problematic to put the burden of persuasion on either party, and she said it was better to have the law set up to be manipulated against the accused rather than the victims because “women wouldn’t do that.” and the big one that really bugged me is she said something about “why is this even a conversation we need to be having” because obviously this isn’t relevant in the current social climate because the issue is too much sexual assault going unchecked (when actually that’s precisely why it’s a conversation that’s happening, she’s saying that affirmative consent as a response to that issue is problematic in its current implementation from a legal standpoint and we should maybe talk about that but yknow whatever)

and this is not a fight i want to get into. i don’t like confrontation and i especially don’t like confrontation where i’m on the side that doesn’t have the fun buzzwords that make people side with you regardless. and i have no idea how the rest of my class feels and my school is small enough that i don’t want to rock the boat too hard and it’s just. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

like i wish so hard that i had a partner who agreed with me because i would love to talk about this piece i have a lot of feelings about it. but i’m having to compromise my feelings about it with her opposite feelings about it and pretend to be much more neutral than i am which, also, is likely going to lead to the fun unintended side effect of me being more defensive of the piece than i should be. it’s not flawless. but i know that if i have to lead a discussion in which we pick apart all the terrible evil things she says about defendants have rights and how dare we not immediately believe an allegation of sexual assault immediately no questions asked in a court of law, i’m going to start getting a lot less willing to acknowledge those flaws.

* i’m not summarizing it super well but that’s the gist of it

** the piece is responding to the typical narrative of male perpetrator and female victim, so throughout the piece the genders of each party is indicated as such. 

*** this is a whole nother post that i might have already talked about but basically the big thing is i’m super uncomfy with the definition of consent at my school specifically including the phrase “enthusiastic yes” because i am neutral towards a lot of things and have a complicated relationship with attracted and if my partner (sexual partner not project partner) wants to do something and i’m fine either way than if i agree unenthusiastically it’s still consent and to claim otherwise is to push me towards performing enthusiasm i don’t have and subsequently questioning whether or not i’m actually consenting bc it feels fake; anyways she doesn’t go into that specifically but it relates a lot to what she’s saying throughout

[antiagingsol-blog]

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never age you ever wish you could find that her secret well today I found women who literally look half the rage we put their pictures up online for America to see and we also asked their studio audience to guess their age and everybody guessed they were decades younger their woman just like you and they're ready to spill their secrets they could do it so can you you can defy your age y'all curious about this before I first you're gonna hang out like a secret eradicate wrinkles now America thought Donna was 34 years old but Donna's chronological age is 52 come on out Donna when I get a look careful I cannot believe you are 52 I am so what is it what are they single look at you people normally think I'm a lot younger especially men who try to hit on me around the hole got a nice feeling which is which is quite nice which is very nice so there it's shocked amazing you tell me your age yeah people for the most part think I'm usually in my mid to late thirties which is which is which is quite flattering I must say well you should be flat because you are a beautiful woman are you willing to reveal your secrets yes I am doctor open Rafi get your little toolbox here show us your age-defying trick it is it is white vinegar vinegar cinnamon and honey so I have this concoction that I make where I combined make my own exfoliating face mask with honey and cinnamon and I find that it takes off a lot of the dead skin cells and it makes my face more moisturize and it also makes it you know quite supple probably how you do it it seems so simple yeah so actually what I do is I combine the cinnamon with honey I mix it up and actually use this every night I leave it on for about 30 minutes and then I use white vinegar as an astringent which it's delicious as well you can also eat it absolutely I would even leftovers me and then you could use the astringent which kind of tightens your skin and prevents it from sagging yes how long you been using this for I've been actually using this for a few years but as I get older I use it more frequently I gotta say I'm amazed something so simple can make such a huge difference in your life do you want to try it yeah please okay I'll be there I'll go first that's a move like you I'll definitely do it yeah don't you feel it working a little bit well I'd like to lick it off I could it feels it feels cooling acting but you know I actually looked into these tips in fact I did for all the guests onto the show today the vinegar I love because it keeps yourselves hydrated which is always a valuable thing to prevent wrinkling but I specially love the cinnamon in the honey yeah and the cinnamon in particular is a fantastic exfoliant which is probably the best way out there to fight off wrinkles oh it's great so I've made you a little you look wonderful guys like this I guess hmm all right now I'm gonna show you why I think this is so cool I I built you a little replica of your skin okay it's uh what's that maybe it's a big replica of your skin your skin sort of looks like this this big parachute reflects what's going on in our bodies now you'll notice we have some audience members here and with all women um oh maybe a little bit weakly pretend you're weekly I know you're ready not all right and what happens is the collagen in our body starts to get weak and especially as we get older the hormones aren't quite perfect you don't have enough collagen to lift up this parachute then look at this front area over here it's completely worn through right there's not no collagen a that's a that's a big wrinkle right there but there was your exfoliate with cinnamon paste it changes everything cuz that's nice bringing these big burly men burly men come on in burly men pink Alfa college everyone pulled back hard as you can it reinforces your skin it gives you less wrinkles I'm not that is pretty spectacular you don't think you that kind of war over there that's why you don't have Rico I think thanks girly men I thought my audience members I appreciate like a secret government agent discoloration on your chest neck in hands now America thought Diane was 45 years old we checked her driver's license which says that she is you ready all its sixteen she having no sunspots um well I'm the only girl so and the boys don't count so um my mother lived to be 94 and I will say that when she died she didn't look a day over eighty that's pretty good I got that yeah so you say fifteen years they allow it because you don't have any discolorations at all I mean looking at all of your skin so what's your secret gonna show it to us sure okay first of all in the morning when I am making my coffee I take some lemon and I squeeze it over the backs of my hands and the decolletage a decoupage of course yes Latasha you know what that is yes it's and um the acid and in the lemon helps to bleach out any you know when we were kids we used to put it in our hair and go out in the Sun it does yeah so it bleaches out any kind of discoloration you may have of course I don't have it yeah you don't have any company might actually blocks melanin production you

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