#but its only now starting to hit cause ive lived here for 12 years

[ravysu]

Sannin headcanons and thoughts

The last thing I would like to post for the sannin week. It is still 24.04 here! :D @sannin-central

This is long. Spoiler alert. Mostly Orochimaru, some Tsunade, a little of Jiraiya (because his story is pretty clear and spoken and idk what I can add). Also I recommend to read this meta about Orochimaru, it has influenced me a lot and has some good points. Sorry for any posible grammar mistakes. Also I really should put here a lot of references to the manga or anime but it was something that was piling up for a year and I'm soooooooo lazy. After all, those are just headcanons. Also: Im not excusing Oro's bad stuff here, Im trying to understand the reasons.

Ive already posted some hcs, here, here and here.

1. First if all, the chronology pic of sannin lifetime based on the info i found on naruto wiki and also some statements about wars from this post. It was tough considering what a mess naruto’s chronology is.

2. Sannin story shows what it cost to be a legend. They're like Team 7 but more realistic. Tsunade literally carried the war but left with nothing and developed a ptsd and have problems to just live on. Also anger control issues. I think she can be pretty bossy and stubborn which is not always nice. Jiraiya is the hero of the day but also very idealistic and can ignore some important details in the real word whether its the fight (he always injured during flashbacks maybe because each time he took too much to handle and on the one hand it's heroistic but on the other is a mistake that can lead your team to situations like in that Iwa cave) or your friends issues (I bet he saw what's going on but thought it's fine until Oro actually got red handed and left). He lives in his world and may have problems to get out to see it through someone else's shoes. As for Orochimaru, it seems like he was a normal guy for 20+ years (I mean, he didn't do crazy criminal shit and had something good in him and it was stated somewhere that it was his teammates influence. It is obvious they considered him as a friend, I don't thinks it was for nothing) but we mostly know his darkest side. Despite being a moster he is a human that have empathy and some ordinary human traits (man just decorates every bit of an environment he is in lol).

3. Tsunade was the leader of team Hiruzen.

4. Tsunade sometimes hit Jiraiya for some stupid things he did or said but never touches Orochimaru even if he did something same. Jiraiya complained about it once and almost got another hit.

5. Jiraiya had problematic parents that didn't care about him much and a lot of time he was wandering in the streets.

6. Judging by the look of Oro bangs and hair, he sometimes cut it off. A stress relief huh? And the fact that he doesn't do it now in Boruto..

7. It was shown that Tsunade and Orochimaru was acknowledged before they become a team. Maybe they did just before, or maybe some longer time before. I prefer the second option and hc that they met because both had no real friends - Orochimaru seemed weird and scary for everyone and Tsunade was Senju so everyone wanted to hang out with her but didn't really care. They weren't seen as what they were - people put the labels on them. But they didn't care about each other's labels and actually saw each other in true lights.

8. Tsunade knew it was an accident and it's not right but still she blamed Orochimaru for Nawaki's death for some time. It was something that seriously damaged their friendship and the team. Orochimaru was mad but also guilty, after all, he was responsible at least as a shinobi since Nawaki was under his watch. So he started to act cold and emotionless and was trying to distance himself from his teammates.

9. Jiraiya was in Ame while Dan died.

10. The whole his orphans mission was a bit irresponsible tbh. They already fought Hanzo and as he stated the conflict between Konoha and Ame is going to an end with Konoha's win. It's weird to stay here for three years in the middle of the war while there were other lands to fight. He left his teammates for some idea. Maybe that caused another crack in their team friendship.

11. If Tsunade would have find a way to live on with her trauma and follow the will of fire and stuff it would affect Orochimaru as well just as her grief affected him. It's like he would get an example that you can live on with this pain. So death isn't above human capability and we are not just the slaves of mortality (sounds stupid but i dont know how else to describe sorry). But as we know what he actually saw is that it broke her crucially to the point she couldnt be herself again. And so the death is above everything.

12. Oro wasn’t just acting as a cold pragmatic bitch in that cave but also tried to save Tsunade. Jiraiya knew it and that’s why he showed this sign to him like "I see what youre doing here" and that stunned Oro because he would prefer to look rather like a cold pragmatic bitch hehe

13. Just a thought. People in the village probably treated Oro as a foreigner or just wouldnt accept him because he looked so differently and had a weird attitude. That's why he sometimes didn't feel that Konoha is his home. After the wars where people were treated as means and tools, even the children, he himself developed this view on people - he dehumanized them and used as the means to his goals, just as his village did. Funny thing some people were straightly dehumanizing him too like Ibiki thought that he was a demon (tho he was a child). And he probably weren't the only one. Anyways the point is that it's logical that Orochimaru don't care about anybody but some few people, he's the product of his era. He's like Naruto that would chose the hatred way. But naruto had some good and understanding people around him and.. Orochimaru had them too, but match how Iruka treated Naruto and this Hiruzen's "I sAw tHe mAliCe in This cHiLd fRoM tHe BegGinNinG". And oro didn't even have a big ass evil fox in him. sry i hate hiruzen

ANYWAYS the moral of the story is not "go criminal if they hurt you" but always treat people like people. Waving my hand to Kant.

14. The reason why Orochimaru didn't pick some good morals to stick with through the hard times no matter what (like, idk, Jiraiya or Naruto) is because 1) I think he is/was pretty depending on people around him 2) the war fucked him and his friends up too much (Nawaki incident + Tsunade) 3) twisted addictions (though I don't think he's that sadistic, we never saw him torturing randoms just for fun, it was always some science experimental shit. He tends to get fun out of cruelty only when it's personal) that maybe developed as a way to sublimate anger and sadness caused by his parents loss (that's what they share with sasuke - unlicke naruto, they knew their parents and it's other kind of pain. Sasuke developed a revenge issue and Orochimaru - cruelty pleasure which... is kinda the same but less epic and more occasional lol).

15. Speaking of that, Orochimaru cared for Sasuke because he saw himself in him.

16. Oro hold grudges against Hiruzen for not choosing him to be Hokage not only because he was ambitious and/or egoistic, but also because Hiruzen was some kind of a father figure for him and his approval was important tho i doubt he was aware of that. He also probably could tell that Hiruzen was suspicios about him when he was a child and that led to many conflicts and was hurting as well.

17. Tsunade knew things weren't pretty with Orochimaru after the wars but she never expected them to be this bad. During the week that she was given in her arc she thought not only about how much she wants to see Nawaki and Dan again despite how wrong would it be but also was trying to bury all the good memories she had left of Orochimaru so it would be easier to kill him.

18. She poisoned Jiraiya exactly because she knew he would not let her do it. Jiraiya was always hesitant to kill and inclined to forgiveness, while Tsunade, as mentioned by Orochimaru, could be merciless (so much so that he was not surprised when Kabuto suggested that she wanted to use Jira for Edo Tensei).

19. That was one of her traits that scared Jiraiya and fascinated Orochimaru.

20. Remember how Oro grabbed Jiraiya's neck when the latter was trying to cover with hair jutsu? On the snake, in Tsnade's arc. Orochimaru could have easily kill Jiraiya by pulling the sword out of the mouth (arteries are right there) but he didn't. As well as he could kill Tsunade when she was still shaking - just aim for the neck or the heart. Instead, he just injured her lung and kicked her which is not a big deal for the kind of shinoby like her at all.. Also he helped Anko not accidentally kill herself but it would be way much profitable to let her do it. "Orochimaru has no feelings".

21. The reason he suddenly wanted to kill Tsunade instead of forcing her to heal his arms as it was planned (which is weird since it will not going to get him heals and he kinda said that he wouldn't want to kill her just minutes ago) is that not only she refused to help him (he thought he could work it out) but she also prefered the village over him (from his point of view). Out if everyone she was the closest to being able to understand him since the village caused her painful losses too but nevertheless she agreed to be on it's side.

22. He wasn't fighting her back in the end partly because he thought he deserved that. Somewhere deep inside hahah.

23. Tsunade got a fear to develop deep bonds so they probably weren't very close with Shizune (also the way she knocked her down in this hotel.. oh).

24. Orochimaru will be here when she'll die.

25. Orochimaru's eng dub to Tsunade: "I often wondered what it would be like to ring that pretty neck yours". No comments.

26. Orochimaru is either bi/pan or ace. Anything or nothing lmao

27. Hiruzen knew about at least some of the Oro’s illegal experiments and was okay just as he was okay with the Foundation all the time. Because it’s useful. Then he has discovered he went too far OR he knew everything and oro just became too inconvenient because of his methods. The way Orochimaru tells Sasuke about reasons they are well treated as the criminals is based on in his experience with Hiruzen.

28. As you may know the lyrics in Orochimaru’s music theme goes “don’t talk with the silence of the heart”. It was taken from one Indian song that also had lines like “don’t question life too much”, ”pain arose somewhere in the chest”, “don’t speak to the wounds of the heart”. Though I’m not sure 100% because I was translating it with some hindi dictionary with like zero knowledge of hindi

29. I like to think that this “silence of the heart” theme and the fact that he called his village a hidden sound village are somehow connected. The hidden sound is the possible explanation of all things waiting to be listened to but the truth is silent and you know it deep in your heart and it bothers you. The world is silent just like the life is meaningless but people can only hear. *Sigh* anyways

30. Orochimaru’s journey is the one about accepting death. When he saw Karin released her chains while was trying to get to Sasuke he understood that the death is a part of human’s strength.

Can’t wait to feel that everything I wrote is wrong or not enough or stupid and obvious lol. Anyways, it’s something that I wanted to share until I move to some other fandom.

[sterekficrec]

Last Chance Asks!

Hey guys, these are asks that have been on our lost fic list for a very long time, I'm going to put them here so we can still save them and that we'll create more room for new lost fics that have yet to be found. If you find any of these let me know by using the number and mention it's from the last chance list, thank you in advance :)

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1.

Hey, I've been looking for this fic for months and can't seem to find it. It's about stiles leaving BH to get away from the supernatural but in the city he goes to he meets an old female alpha who knew Talia. He becomes frds w her and lends her a book which she gives to Derek who spills coffee on it and when he goes to the bookstore he meets stiles there. I think the pack moved too and is living in a house together for school. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it, help please and thanks

2.

I've just started reading this fic, it's pretty short when my laptop died so I can't find it now. Um, it was about like after apocalypse with zombies and stiles is bitten so he has to kill himself. I'm sorry if it's vague but I'm really itching to finish it. A lot of angst if it helps?? thank you

3.

looking for a fic with KindaNerd!derek who Stiles helps one day after school and they start hanging out and as time passes Derek grows to be handsome. Then when they graduate Derek tells the school about how Stiles saved his life that day he called him, and tears from Laura and Erica happen and Sterek kisses ensure. Do you happen to know what fic I mean and the name of the fic? xx

6.

Hey I'm trying to find a fic. I think the name was daddy issues, but I'm not sure. Maybe it was daddy issues. It was one where stiles was with a bunch of guys (including Derek Hale, Chris Argent and others I don't remember) thanks!

9.

hey I was wondering if you could help me find a fanfiction where stiles works for like a suicide or depression hotline and derek calls one day and the two of them kind of bond? I've been looking everywhere for it and I cant seem to find it!

10.

hey! ive been looking for a fic for a real long while. the whole pack goes away to a cabin for a bonding experience, with people sharing rooms. there is a beach, and places to go shopping. lydia and/or allison go shopping with stiles at somepoint and get him things so he looks super hot at a club. white pants and something painted on him. and then derek freaks and leaves them all. lemme know if you know this one???

11.

Hiya.! Well, I read this fic about a year ago and it was amazing and I want to read it again but I forgot the name, it's a fic were Scott was never bitten and stiles gets kidnapped and taken to some werewolf camp in Newyork and becomes Derek's mate and eventually meets his family. Can you please help me? And btw. Your blog is amazing. It gives me life.

12.

Hi I was wondering if u knew a series on archive of our own where stiles gets kidnapped with Boyd and Erica and comes back With them and joins that pack and becomes Derek's mate and then later in the series he yells at Derek and Cora about taking the pack away from him if he doesn't act nicer to them thanks sorry for the crappy summary

13.

okay i dont know how far out of canon you like to go or how AU you like, but do you recall a sterek fic that had stiles getting tattooed for magical purposes and part of the tattoo requires 3 blood donors (father-sheriff, brother-scott, lover-derek) but he hasnt told derek the lover bit yet and the chick tattooing him is like some elf girl i think named leeloo or something.... i just cant find it in the tattoo stiles track or the magical stiles track. it was either a series or one big ass one.

14.

do you know a sterek fanfic where Stiles is an omega werewolf and he stumbles upon the hale territory and Derek Hale plans to take him in for only one night but Stiles makes breakfast and the pack love him and cliche blah?

16.

hi, wondering if you can help me find an older fic, it's one where Stiles is magical and Derek's pack is grown up, I think Boyd and Erica have a kid, and someone tries to set the pack house on fire but now its magiced fireproof, but the forest burns, and the hunters come but Stiles uses his magic to bring the forest back to life and ties himself to the land... Sorry that's a weird synopses but it's all I can remember clearly

17.

Hey can you find a fic where the pack was using stiles in training like hunting him but a werewolf jumps him in the woods and stiles thinks it's derek and submits and it turns out it wasn't derek and since stiles submitted derek says the alpha has like a certain amount of days to get stiles to say yes and that was as far as I got please find this!

18.

hey so I'm looking for one fic, I hope you can help find it :) it's about Stiles being sacrificed to the werewolves to keep the town safe and there's whole werewolf village. there was no Hale fire, Laura has a husband and kids. later Scott was bitten by some rouge (or Peter I don't remember) and came to the village 'causee hunters wanted to kill him. I remember that when they were fighting other weres or maybe hunters (or was it just fullmoon?) Stiles saved Laura's kids from being killed. help?

19.

do you know the fic were in which Derek helps hook stiles up with some dude & in the process he reveals that he's into stiles & stiles kind of ignores it so Derek eats ice cream and watches Disney movies and stiles happens in on him & is all, "what."

20.

i'm looking for a fic that i think is a 5+1 cuddles thing? all i can remember from it is that there's a fae fight in alison's bedroom and derek got ripped apart so stiles pushed him into the closet and is trying to hold derek's guts in? i've asked a lot of ficrec blogs but no-one can find it for me, so thanks in advance if you can!

21.

Can you please help me I already tried twficfinder, LJ, etc. Its a sterek fic made in 2012 where Stiles helps Derek get his families life insurance, parents will or just money cause he's living in a bad place & has no income. Derek feels guilty & doesn't feel deserving of that. Stiles drives them to where the person in charge of fixing that is. Derek might be rich. They buy wood for the floor of the Hale house. Scott or Sheriff ask why he's helping Derek. Its not Out of Milk or Hale Construction

23.

I'm looking for a fix where stiles hires a dom, but she declines and instead he goes to derek? I think at one point, they make a list of things that are allowed, and everyone can see the bruises left behind, but stiles is really happy. Any help is much appreciated!

24.

Do you know the one where Derek hurts stiles ankle before a carnival or fair and takes stiles but ends up attacking him but is stopped by a psychic and she puts Derek's wolf in stiles so that stiles is the alpha

26.

hi i was wondering if youve read a sterek fic where derek basically tells stiles that his mom dying was nothing compared to him basically killing his family cause of the fire. i cant seem to find it anywhere.

27.

I've been looking for this fic everywhere and I can't find it! It's attempted non con with stiles and a original character but stiles hits the guy with a rock and kills him by mistake and calls derek panicking and derek helps cover it up. Do you know it?

29.

Okay, so I need help. I have been looking for this fic for over a year and i was wondering if you knew it. It's where stiles is a kid and his mother is in the hospital dying, and derek is in a coma from the fire and they connect on a telepathic level and stiles brings him out of his coma and stiles mom dies and the derek moves and checks up on stiles yearly. HELP ME PLEASE?? Thank you for taking the time to read this.

31.

Hi! So I'm trying to find a fic (it was lengthy) but I'm pretty sure it was a 5+1 trope, and its like five times Sheriff recognizes Derek as a son? All I can recall is at one point Sheriff thinks Stiles killed Derek and he offers to help him hide it?

33.

I read a Sterek AU ages ago but I can't find it now, I was wondering if you'd read it and could possibly send me a link? It's the one where Stiles sets up an online dating account to mock people and he starts talking to who he thinks is Derek. The two become really good friends but when Stiles goes to meet Derek he finds out that Derek has no idea who he is and Laura started the account for a joke, and is engaged.

34.

Hey! I was just wondering if you could find a fic for me? All I remember is that it was really short, about soulmates and stiles was playing a drum in the snow! Thanks! I've been looking for it for ages!

35.

Hi bb can you help me find a fic? Derek & Laura(?) are twins. Stiles has magic powers & is bff w/ Laura, who later dates Lydia or Allison. Derek paints Stiles in an attic or something & Laura is jealous bc she doesn't want sterek to happen. Thanks!

36.

i think its backround sterek, but do you know the fic where the pack is afraid to touch stiles because they think they're hurting him but really it's touch starved!stiles

38.

Hey, I've completely forgotten the name to fic, I remember that stiles is a lil bit of a delinquent so the sheriff gets derek who's a college student I think to watch over him and they have sex and they're sort of like fuck buddies and at some point it's Derek's birthday and he has a party at his apartment??? idk do u guys know this fic lmao please help!!!

39.

Hey so love your account Anyway I was wondering if you knew the story where the pack like finds a mysterious knife and stiles cuts himself and then gets thrown into the past and is trying to get Paige and Derek together? I hope that made sense Again love the account, such a life saver!

40.

Hey I was wondering if you knew the title of the fic where (I think its Stiles) who's a single father and his daughter is obssessed with bunnies and at some point Derek makes a lil park in the backward for the bunnie?

41.

Ok so I'm looking for a fic where it's after the hale fire and Derek lived in a small cabin by himself then he sends for omega human stiles and they live with each other cause Derek needs pack and he stays in his wolf form a lot of the time. It's like a super slow burn and angst you. Can you help a bro out?

43.

Hey, I read this fic once on ao3 about Stiles having tons of nightmares from the nemeton after Derek leaves. Then he starts calling him when he has panic attacks. He has to do the underwater sacrifice to get rid of the nightmares and when he comes out of the water Derek's there waiting for him and then they get together... It's seriously driving me crazy that I can't find it!!! Do you know what fic I'm talking about??

44.

hey im looking for a fic and I've been googling increasingly strange things but i just cant find it so i was hoping you might have read it? im pretty sure its quite short, but basically allison goes to stiles to ask about werewolf sex and then stiles makes derek give him the werewolf sex talk so that he can clue the rest of the pack in. thank you xx

45.

Hi! I'm looking for a specific fic! It's like Stiles is at a club, and he's sitting at the bar and sees his ex walk in and he gets really panicky because he starts walking over so he grabs the closest guy to him and kisses him? And it turns out the guy he kissed was Derek? I can't find it anywhere!

46.

Hi i was wondering if you could help me find a fic. I dont really remember much just that it was sterek and that cora read some spell that sent Derek back in time and he ended up mating to Stiles but when they have children Cora fixes it and Derek goes back to him normal time and tells cora that he has to go back because he has a mate but cora tells him that he has to wait until the full moon i think and in the end he and cora go back to stiles time and stay there

47.

I was wondering if you might know of a fic I am looking for. It's one of those Sheriff Finds Out ones and it's in his POV. I remember that it had Melissa in it and she let the Sheriff into a house/Room where the pack (they are a pack in this) was all cuddling in groups. I remember once specific moment where he observes Alison and Scott and notices their closeness with Isaac. And I am pretty sure Stiles is asleep on Derek. I know this is not very descriptive but I was wondering if you knew of one

48.

Hello I'm searching for a sterek fic I read a while back and I can't find it 😔 it's a fic where Stiles discovers he's a wizard or a shaman or something like that and he's linked to plants somehow and there are many pack interactions like pack cuddles and stuff so many pack feels and then the pack is being attacked and the forest is destroyed and Stiles manages to grow it back and he's like part of the forest it's such a great fic so beautifully written, do you happen to know what's this fic?

49.

Hello, lovely. I have been trying to fing a fic where Dean and Cas from Supernatural are Stiles parents and Derek knocks him up. While Stiles goes through the pregnancy, a Big Bad from the past comes back and messes with Stiles. Sorry, this is vague.

50.

I was wondering if anyone remembered a story where Stiles was half-daeva (I believe), Scott was his Permissor, but no one else in the pack knew until another pack kidnaps them and stiles shows up to destroy them all. I remember reading it ages ago but I can't find it in my bookmarks :/

51.

Hi, can you help me find sterek fanfic? It's coffee shop au, Stiles is barista, Derek is customer who wants plain coffee but Stiles always goes crazy with toppings, there us Peter too, creepy but good, can't find it on ao3 (╯︵╰,)

52.

Ok I've been searching for this one fantastic fic I read ages ago but can't find and was hoping you guys might know! It's established relationship w pack mom Stiles and he's away at college but they all just kind of move in w him and he buys Erica tampons and Boyd McDonald's gift cards and brings Chinese food and is generally lovely?? I think it was a one shot and relatively short but I'm dying to read it again :(

53.

Hello! I'm looking for a sterek fic. I think it was a 5+1 type fic where people/random strangers thought the pack members were Derek and Stiles' children. Please and thank you! :)

54.

Idk if you find sterek fics but i can't remember it, please help. Stiles is kidnapped by faeries but then talks them into a peace treaty? I think it was on archive but I'm not getting anything.

57.

Hi! I can’t seem to find a fic I love and was wondering if you could help me find it? Stiles is in a bar with friends, I remember Lydia and Jackson being there, and is insisting he is a Alex god who can get any number he wants and jackson tells him to get that guys number and points to Derek and stiles basically goes up to him and says “I am trying to convince my friends I’m attractive can you give me a fake number?” and he does but it turns to be real???

58.

I’ve been looking for this fic where stiles has been out of town for a while and when he gets back he stops at this gas station on the edge of town and gets jumped by some redcaps I think? And then the guy who runs the station comes out and sees this kid covered in blood and calls Derek because strange kid I’ve never seen before covered in redcap blood, maybe come check this out? And Derek didn’t know stiles was coming back early because it was supposed to be a surprise. Thanks so much!

59.

I love your blog and I was hoping you'd help me with this fic I've been looking for forever. Stiles is either an orphan or his dad is irresponsible, and he's not exactly highly regarded but the Hales and of course Derek love him and welcome him at their house. But Stiles feels guilty/unworthy and doesn't always want to accept their help. At one point, he turns feral or something and Derek has to coax him out, and one of the Hales have a baby who loves Stiles (I think Peter's or Laura's). Thanks!

60.

hey :) there's this old fic i want to re-read where stiles is a mage(or someone who controls elemental magic) and hes hurt/rejected by Derek and leaves with someone where there are other people with elemental magic and he trains. If it helps: I remember in the big fight they wore shirts that matched with their powers. Could you please help me? thanks

[equestrianwritingsstuff]

The Weapons: The Crash

This is a series I have been thinking about with some OCs. The basic idea is that a corrupt mental institution takes in these villains and turns them into weapons for a cause unknown.

The warnings for the whole series are: mental institution, dehumanization, needles, creepy illegal mental institution practices, villain whumpees, both lady whump and male whump, referring to people as "its" and "subjects", and lots of (illegal) steroids/power enhancers

I will do individual warnings for each chapter.

--

Warnings: dehumanization, referring to people as "its" and "subjects", steroids (mention), IV, sensory deprivation, fake power enhancers (mention), car crash, choking (brief)

The room was white. White with the faintest trace of mud towards the floor. White that was stained with the slightest pink as if blood had been splattered and wouldn't clean. 

It was silent too, dead silent. The lack of sound was alarming and unnatural, yet it fit the aesthetic perfectly. The only thing that broke the image was an eerie shadow that made people take a second glance.

The shadow led to a human, hanging by their wrists and ankle from the ceiling. They wore a thin hospital gown that hardly gave any warmth from the AC that was constantly pumped into the room. They were blindfolded with black goggles that completely obscured their vision. Their ears were covered by headphones that looked way too big for their small head. 

All the subject heard, over and over, was "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner. The constant 90s rock song was loud, rattling their eardrums with every slam of a drum or every time the guitar hit a chord. 

It destroyed any brink of sleep they managed to catch. The incessant sound caused a headache that could not be alleviated. They were going crazy; crazy like everyone else in that building. 

They were being stripped of their identity. They hardly remembered their life before Hot Blooded blasted through their eardrums. They had no name, no gender, no past or present other than hanging there in the white room that they couldn't even see. 

Isolation may be the easiest way to drive one crazy. That and the music turned up to max volume. Crazy and ready to be molded into whatever the doctors deemed appropriate. 

The door to the white room opened with a creak then a slam. But the subject did not hear it. They were locked in their world, fuzzy and cool without a care for reality. 

"Subject 143," the doctor with a clear clipboard read. Female. Nearly white blonde hair that offset her darker skin. 

"Date of admission: 17 May at 12:03 P.M.," she read with clarity and devoid of any emotion. "Weight at admission: 134 pounds. Female; 5 foot, 4 inches. Age: 19." She stuck the clipboard between her armpit and eyed the hanging subject with curiosity, "Let it down." 

The word "it" rang throughout the room like fire. It spit venom at the few cracks in the plaster, making them seem like they expanded in agony. 

The doctor's assistants released the subject slowly. They were professional, not unnecessarily cruel other than protocol. 

The subject, female, stiffened at the sudden drop in altitude. Even though it was only a foot, it was all she knew. The slight change in pressure screamed at her nerves, but at the same time it was slightly relieving. It was the first feeling she felt in what seemed forever. 

"Subject has been under sensory deprivation for a month," the doctor continued reading her notes. "Let's begin a physical evaluation." 

The subject's knees hit the floor, sending a shock through her body. Her bottom lip trembled, yet it wasn't joy. It wasn't joy that she felt when her body touched the hard tiles. It was fear. Fear of this new world in a way that made one's heart race. 

"Turn off the headphones." The subject felt pressure that made the small hairs on her arms raise in anticipation. She raised her top lip in a snarl, ready to fight. 

A click and all was silent.

The subject collapsed forward, her hands immediately trying to reach her ears. The headache was worse now, much worse. It radiated through her ears with heat bouncing out of every pore. The dizziness made her want her music, at least it kept out this strange buzzing.

Strong arms gripped the skinny biceps, pulling the subject back onto her knees.

"She's been getting nutrients and liquids for a month now by IV."

The subject flexed her muscles. She forgot about the IV that fed her all the nutrients she needed. She never was fed food. She forgot the taste of it and the thought of actually ingesting something was exciting yet nauseating at the same time. 

"Good to know. She is looking quite slender, but no worries." Hands touched the subject's core, pressing down on each rib until she flinched back, squirming in the hands that held her. Hands stuck into her mouth, forcing it open and inspecting every tooth. Gloved fingers ran over her gums, jabbing at all of the inflamed sores. 

"Put dental work on that list you got there Nurse Baton," the doctor ordered. "And I want it on Anadrol-50 and power enhancers. It needs muscles fast and I do not have the time to work to devise a strict workout schedule. Rather save that for the more dangerous subjects."

"Yes ma'am." 

"Start her on a diet of mashed oats with avocado and protein supplements. May sound fancy, but we need these muscles back in shape." The doctor squeezed the once-taut muscles in disgust. 

"Yes ma'am."

"Other than that, weigh her and do some blood work. I expect her to be ready by the end of the week."

"Yes ma'am."

The doctor grabbed the subject's chin, tipping it upwards and took in the pale, hollowed features. Once pretty, the subject was now like a ghostly corpse from a horror movie. The doctor lifted the goggles off, watching in slight amusement as the subject blinked her bloodshot eyes rapidly. 

"Well," the doctor made a few small circles on the subject's cheek. "You are quite fiery."

The subject only snarled and tried to lunge at the doctor.

--

"Attention all heros north of Redbrook," came the same droning voice of dispatch. Trisha groaned and leaned forward to click in. 

"Trisha Jakes here, what'dya got," the half-asleep hero grumbled. She yawned, leaning her forehead against the steering wheel thinking about the pleasant dream she was just experiencing.

"The Redbrook Mental Asylum had an escape. Male, twenty years of age. About five foot nine and 189 pounds. Dark brown hair and blue eyes," the dispatch sounded bored like they did this on the daily, which is more than likely. But then their voice turned oddly foreboding, "Labeled as highly-dangerous. Use any means to capture: tranq gun, taser, anything."

"I am five miles from the asylum," Trisha already was pulling out of the parking lot she was napping in. "I can look around."

"Copy that," and the dispatch repeated their message. Not wanting to hear the description of the individual, Trisha clicked out. 

This was not the first time that she had dealt with mentally sick people, but it was the first time that she dealt with one her age at the same time as being "Highly Dangerous" as dispatch put it. 

Trisha leaned forward and clicked the button on her steering wheel that allowed her to call people. 

"Call Colton Myers on cell," Trisha stressed every syllable. She didn't have the time to repeat herself. 

"Calling Colton Myers on cell…" Trisha sighed in relief when the speaker lady's voice repeated back to her, followed almost directly by a ringtone. 

"Hey Trisha, what's up?"

Trisha didn't even bother to say "hey" back. "Colton," she gasped, growing in nervous excitement. "Get out here now. There is this guy on the loose from that asylum."

"Isn't that your job," Colton chuckled on the other end. Trisha could just imagine the twinkle of laughter in his deep green eyes that reminded her of emeralds. 

"Yes," Trisha replied in a flirty tone. "But isn't it your job to design websites, yet I do half of your work?" She smiled to herself. Even though it could get frustrating because Colton was practically incapable of doing anything but complaining, she loved graphic design. 

"You got me. But now we are even."

"Shut up," Trisha hoped the smile was prominent in her voice, "I have to go."

"Bye-bye idiot."

"Charming," Trisha teased and hung up, quite content with her friendship status.

Trisha drove on in silence, observing every shadow as she tried to put her mind into a disabled guy's mindset. What would he deem safe? Definitely not a building, if he thought that the asylum was dangerous. Trisha shuddered, that asylum gave her the creeps. Professional, yes, but the attitudes of the nurses were disturbing. 

Yet they helped keep villains locked up… Trisha shook her head. The place was in alliance with the Hero Agency. Good, safe, and most of all necessary. 

She knew that the people who were admitted into the facility were villains. Some may even call Redbrook a reformation center. Trisha cocked her head, deep in thought as she half-heartedly watched the traffic. 

If he was a villain, wouldn't he be searching for something villainy? Assuming that he had some form of anger issues or another mental problem -or maybe just truma?- he would likely be headed to a Villain Agency, or his home. 

Yet, what good would that be? There was only one villain agency in Redbrook, assuming he lived in Redbrook. But that agency was too tiny for a "highly-dangerous" patient. 

And Trisha had no idea if he even had a home to begin with. 

She sighed and started to tap the steering wheel in a rhythmic beat. Periodically, she would glance down to her bow and gun to make sure they were still there. 

Very suddenly, a flash of white boltes in front of the windshield. Without thinking, Trisha spun around, making other cars honk and scream at her. But she didn't care, for her eyes were locked on the thin hospital gown. 

The sight baffled her for a moment. The gown was so thin that she could see his shoulder bones from fifty feet away. She pressed the gas until her speedometer read eighty-five. She was nearing, very close… almost there…

BAM!

Trisha let out a scream as her car lost control. Her seat belt started to unceremoniously pressed against her chest, restricting any breathing. She gasped for air as adrenaline and fear coursed through her veins. The seatbelt was moving up towards her trachea. 

Then it snapped and Trisha fell forward hitting- but not breaking- the reinforced windshield. Her back lit up in pain as the car continued to go out of control until it hit a concrete wall. 

And the world was engulfed by one big, black wave.

--

"Move your hand for me."

Trisha gulped and lifted up her wrist. She slowly was regaining strength over the course of a fews days. The Hero Agency and its medics had access to an array of fast-paced healing techniques. 

Luckily, Trisha didn't break anything important. Just a few ribs and her jaw, but glass got into her organs. The doctors surgically removed the pieces and with the speedy recovery, she was beginning to get better. 

"Good. You should be discharged by the end of the week, but keep it easy. Okay?"

"'Kay," Trisha replied and started fiddling with her thumbs. There was no way that she would be able to take it easy when a murderer just got her into an accident. 

What if he knew who she was? What if he finished the job? Already, she made sure that someone was in the hospital room with her. Her boss wouldn't spare anymore heros, but Colton was already there. 

Trisha looked over at the chair that Colton was slumped in. His mouth was parted open as he silently snored and murmured in his sleep. His ruffled light brown hair looked even more greasy than a McDonald's cheeseburger. 

Yet even though he held an unpleasant appearance, Trisha was more than thankful for his sacrifice. So, even though the poor hero was loaded with questions, she let her best friend sleep. 

[ally-writes-many-things]

I don't date Cops (J. Halstead) P2

Summary: Will is trying to convince you to go on a date with his brother which you didn't want to do until you spent some time with him without knowing he was Will's brother.

Words: 1224

Requested: yes/no

Prompts:

Warning or A/N:

"Set it up or give him my number,"

Will stops dead in his tracks and looked at you. "What?"

You rolled your eyes. "You heard me,"

"But you said-"

"I know what I said. Just do it,"

"Alright, I'll set it up,"

"Thank you,"

---

It had been two days since you met Jay and told Will to set it up but you haven't heard from Will or Jay so you were thinking that Jay wasn't interesting. Which didnt bother you.

You saw Will walk in hand in hand with Natalie. You looked at them confused, last time you checked, they were on the outs. "CFD Plan 2. Mass cass,"

"Dr. Y/L/N and Dr. Halstead, I need you. Trauma three,"

You quickly put your gloves on as the paramedics came into the E.D. "What do we have?"

"12-year-old male, crush injuries, severed artery, massive blood loss. Got a tourniquet on his right leg. Tried to intubate but couldn't get his jaw open. He lost his pulse on the ride,"

" Put him on our monitor and rapid transfuser. Grab 4 units of O-neg, and start with a round of Epi,"

The paramedics looked at you. "Already hit him with the Epi times two,

"Still no pulse. He's in fib,"

You did the best you could to save his life but you just couldnt save him. "Time of death 8:31,"

You heard a heart shattering scream, you turn your head and what you could guess it was his parents. "THATS MY SON!"

Will patted the dad on the shoulder. "Im so sorry, he was to far gone for us to save. We tried of everything,"

You walked out the room, throwing your gloves in the trash. But quickly putting clean ones on. "Where do you need me Maggie?"

"Trauma 2,"

You walked into the room and this time it was a little girl. You looked at the paramedics. "Left AC, obvious femur fracture,"

"Good distal pulse. It's blown. Sweetheart, we're going to take good care of you,"

The little girl cried out for her dad. "You have to go back for my daddy! I love my daddy!"

You looked at Maggie. "You know anything about that?"

"Pretty sure her father was loaded. Must've been sent to Sinai or County,"

You nodded and looked back at the little girl. "Okay, sweetie, look, you see this lady right here?"

"Uh-huh,"

"Her name is Maggie. She can find anybody, anywhere, okay? I promise she'll find your daddy for you,"

"Better believe I will, hon,"

-

"It was only an hour and a half,"

You were looking at the bloody E.D when Maggie walked up to you. "What?"

"It was only an hour and a half,"

"We mustve treated two dozen patients and youre telling me it was only an hour and a half?"

She nodded.

You were just exhuasted beyond anything you ever felt before. You felt as if you could sleep for months. "So what exactly happened?"

Maggie shrugged. "From what I was told some asshole purposely caused a multi car pile up,"

"What? Why?"

Maggie shrugged. "I don't know,"

"Dang this place is a mess,"

You turned around and saw Jay walking through the E.D. "Yeah, its been a long hour and a half. Im guessing you're here to question the victims?"

Jay shook his head. "No, we already got the suspect in custody, my boss is still questioning him though,"

"Oh, I'll page your brother then,"

"Not here for him either. Here for you,"

"Me? Why?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you were the girl Will was trying to set me up with?"

"I didn't even know you were Will's brother and then when I found out, he got slammed and I didn't see you after that,"

Jay was quiet for a second. "So how about that date?"

"Yes,"

"I wouldve said tonight but after seeing the E.D, how about tomorrow?"

"I'd like that,"

Jay smiled. "I'll see you then,"

Jay said his goodbyes to Maggie and then walked out. "Good choice, that is one fine man,"

You chucked and went to check up on a patient.

--

"Let me get that for you,"

Jay went to your side and pulled the chair out for you and then pushed you in. "What a gentleman,"

"I try,"

"So Will tells me that you were in the milltary?"

"Yeah, I was in the Rangers. Saw some messed up things there and lost some good friends but I wouldn't change anything if I had a choice to go back,"

"Is that why you joined the police force?"

"Yeah, after I got out, I still felt like I didnt do enough to help people, so I joined the Academy. A few years later, I got shot in my arm working undercover and I got to choice if i wanted to stay where I was or go to a new elite unit and I chose the elite unit,"

"Thats sounds cool but also like it hurt,"

Jay laughed. "Yeah it did. But your turn, what made you go into medicine?"

You sighed. "My dad died when I was younger and we were in the hospital probably over 50 times from the time I was 10 to 11 and saw how hard they tried to save my dad. I also saw a lot of doctors working their magic and save a lot of people's lives. I couldn't save my dad because I didn't know how to and so I decided that I would help others by learning medicine and becoming a doctor,"

"Oh I'm sorry for your lost. What did he die of?"

"A rare disease that only 1% of the population gets so they had no cure or no idea how to treat it,"

"Oh I'm so sorry,"

"It was a long time ago. He wouldn't want me to be sad over it,"

You and Jay had spent the next 2 hours talking about everything big and small. He was now walking to you to your door. "Im resisting the urge to kiss you right now,"

You looked at Jay. "Don't resist it,"

He smiled and kissed you.

----

"I swear Jay, if I had to keep looking for more clues, Im gonna-"

You cut yourself off. You were leaving a voicemail on Jay's phone because today was your one year anniversary and he decided to make a scavenger hunt of all your past dates and things memorable to your relationship. It was cute at first but this hunt had like fifty parts to it. You just wanted to kiss and hug your boyfriend at this time.

You put your phone down and smiled. There was Jay in the middle of a beautifully lit clearing on one knee. You walked up to him and he started. "Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N, Ive known you were the one since the first day I met you. You are the only person that makes me feel like I can breathe in this crazy world. Youre the first thing I think of when I wake up and youre the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. You're everything. Will you do me a favor and accept my last name and marry me?"

You nodded yes, not trusting your voice. Jay slides the ring on your finger.

[huntsman-ash]

LiveThoughts: RWBY V8E6

Second attempt at this since last time Chrome just DIED for no reason...

Im going to put literally the entire thing with Cinder under one note; Called it.

Its a great set of stuff, sure, but it doesnt relaly tell us anything we didnt already know about Cinder, and I personally feel it doesnt really explain why she turned out the way she did. I feel like we’ve had another weird twist of the situation again...M+K? Coronas fault? Who knows. Either way, this section isnt great by my taste and I kinda skipped most of it. 

Few things to note though; Apperently in Mistral scrubbing by hand is still more viable floor cleaning tech than using Dust.

The wind vane on the roof has the Rooster Teeth symbols rooster on it. 

The hotel Cinder is bought by is named the Glass Unicorn, fittingly enough for...several reasons. 

The coffees behind the stepsisters when we first see them are the animated versions of the real life stuff RT put out just before this season went live. 

No one seems to notice the fact cinder has orange eyes. I wonder if weird eye colors are just a THING in Remnant?

The control collar/shock thing is incredibly inefficient in design, since it doesnt actually hold on to her very well. A more effective brace/choker design would have worked better.

The song that goes on during all of this is...kind of obvious and a little bland? Fitting for younger Cinder I guess. 

Mmm. Random greasy huntsman. 

I guess in Atlas its fine to laugh at struggling teenagers?

Im going to assume there’s a 3+ year gap here where she gets older, cause she stops being smol and gets closer to how we see her now.

Also even here, in Atlas...really? The most effective way to clean these carpeted floors is to have a TEENAGER SCRUB THEM BY HAND?

How do you scrub...I assume its carpet anyway?

And how you tell civilians are lame in Atlas; they are impressed...by a sword.  Just a sword. A boring, half-cut sword. Losers.

I assume this would be Cinder’s semblance manifesting. Also note on the desk; “we do not serve faunus”. Well THAT doesnt surprise me.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Get fucked Cinder. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

I dont even feel pity for her, this is funny to me.  Also the fact that this kind of shit aCTUALLY EXISTS is...amusing to me. Like, really? So I guess indentured servitude is a thing in Remnant too. 

And this is why Cinder likes to use swords. Really. Wow. LAMEO.

Huh. Dual maces. Interesting. Thats a prety cool weapon.  Looks like they open up too. Bet he could bash some skulls with that.

“Hurting them isnt going to make your life any better”. Um, excuse me? I think hurting them is the very best thing to do in this situation. At least, for the moment anyway. 

Huh. So she’s ten at this point? Even as a child, shes older than she looks. 

And training montage. Huh. Or at least I assume it is. I get the feeling being able to go where you want too and do what you want too is the main reason Hunters exist. There must be crazy tight immigration laws...or, maybe, its just that traveling between kingdoms is stupid dangerous cause of Grimm. I think the latter is most likely considering every form of public transit extra-kingdom we’ve seen (even between cities, see Argus Limited) has some kind of defensive weaponry. Limited and ineffective, for th emost part oddly.

So you can take the exam at 18. Okay cool. Pre-that must be prep school. Wonder what happens if you wash out? Also I like how this dude is just “yeah, 7 years of training, we got this.”

I think this is the first time we’ve seen the other side of the moon. Or at least, the proper other side...bloody hell I STILL dont know how all those piesces are still held in place, the thing looks like it should start yeeting bolides at Remnant. 

Better still we see it MOVE, rotate in time to the passing of years. So it literally does rotate on its own axis, and more importantly, unlike OUR moon, its NOT tidally locked. We only ever see the same side of our moon. REmnants rotates MUCH faster. Also it doesnt seem to have phases like ours does. I’ll check on why that is. 

Well at least we have an explanation for why Cinders so damn good at fighting people. Trained by an Atlas Huntsman.

Also as a note the device is quite literally just an electrical Dust crystal attached to a necklace. Things the most inefficent torture device Ive ever fucking seen. 

Wonder how often they have to change the crystal.

And there goes the moon rotating again.

I like how NO ONE comment on the blade going missing and that guy never came back for it. I guess he must have just bought a new one.

I get the very distinct feeling they wont just let her go honestly, permission or not. 

AWWW WE DONT EVEN GET TO SEE CINDER MURDER THE SISTERS. Also no blood. Odd.  Good kill on the  stepmother though. Oh, that NECK CRACK.  I like how all the bitch can do is try and shock Cinder, like, uh...adrenaline up? SHE HAS A SWORD? MAYBE FIGHT BACK?

Hah. Weak ass fuckin Atlas people.  Also the clock going off in the back ground twelve times. How fitting. Welcome to midnight. 

Also shes kind of glowing here cause the room is dark, and I find it amusing this is probably the last time she wears white.

And THERES the Cinder we know

Sick ass music, cool. Also THAT is an interesting semblance...I guess he turns himself to metal? Also DAMN his aura broke after THAT? Hes a Huntsman...ah who cares. Again probably in Cinders memory more than anything. Which at this point is probably about as reliable as a coked up hookers.

SHANKED. Sucker. You shoulda seen THAT one coming.

And thats all it took to get the shock collar off. Lol. 

So what happened to the hotel? Did they just...write it off? I mean four people got murdered in there...

And now we’re back on the whale. HOW THE SCREAMING FUCK DID CINDER JUST...

Wow. She just got up after eating that blast. Fucking plot armor.

Merc making the hard calls honestly.  Im actually gonna watch all of this now which is nice because I want to know whats happening in the real world. PITY MORE THAN HALF THE EPISODE WAS THIS FUCKING FILLER.

I like how Cinder just...goes quiet the moment she realizes shes lost Mercury. Not that he was USEFUL mind you but if I had to guess she liked being the boss. But now shes...basically back where she started. 

So the whale is basically a ship. It has a bridge. Probably Salems throne room.

Man, Oscars literally just RTs punching bag this season isnt he? Literally in this case. 

His clothes are still scortched too which I find interesting.  The black eyes also staying. Auras not back up then? Aura repair and regen seems...werid half the time. Like RT does what they want with it.

Ah so someone finally says it...but at the same time what exactly does Salem have to fear? If she cant fight the whole world...what could they do? Maybe overwhelming her? It...Im having a hard time putting the “she cant be stopped” with “shes afraid of fighting all of Remnant”. 

Somethings missing here. I know it.

The sound of the “door” opening reminds me of the Flood doors in High Charity in Halo 3s Cortana. Fleshy twisting.

Mention from Hazel, but AGAIN...no details. I guess if you nail down how she can do stuff its harder to write? 

Glad someone made a comment on the futility of the Hunter academies. 

I really hate how Salems giving us creepy mommy shades. 

Hmm. So yeah the bridge IS the throne room/command deck. I like how Neo doesnt give a fuck is just casually kneeling. 

Ah okay THATS why he grabbed the scroll. 

Heh. Interesting. How exactly does this work I wonder. 

...Why does Salem have a ring. Has she always had that ring?

Neo looking at the Hound like “oh, I could ride this thing”. 

Oh cool the Ace Ops. And they’re arguing, shocker. Sounds like Elm doesnt trust tech either. No shock there.  Idiot.

Atlas elite. Yeah, right.

Huh, is this a Manta with landing gear? I guess they do have them...seems kind of silly to have them so high up though. I guess thats what the thing under the door is for, so they can deploy a ramp. Man, I really dont like Atlas’s airship design.

Hare needs some fuckin suppresants. 

Annnnddd...here we go, things go straight to hell. I was warned of this. I am going to try and not be mad...but from what Ive heard the incomptence of the military in this particular section is astronomical.

Huh. So...Grimm can be convirted into a rock-punching liquid? Interesting. Has that always been a thing or... Also why the fuck are you jsut standing there in awe, go kill the fucking thing! Fucking Specialists.

...that is all it took to get through Atlas’s shield? THAT?

I also love how no one does anything. Ironwoods like “wait what the fuck”. Come on bro. 

And...thats the Atlas navy. Everyone. Two lasers. One of which missed. Remind me again what exactly these things are used to shoot?

Wait, no, that took down part of it, and then the rest is, surprise, hitting the soft rock on the outside. 

THERE goes the shield. 

Hang on a second, how long have those giant squid things been there?

And...what. The whale just approaches, nothing happens? You’ve got 12 fucking ships there, shoot the fucking thing.

Again, WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING?

Oh, it just beach-headed. Okay fine, whatever. 

Im not really worried.

Lets see how RT makes this WORSE though...

And thats this weeks episode.

[knybits]

A Murder of One

Chapter: 

12

Summary:

Akiko evolves. Our two protagonists talk. 

Previous Chapter | Origin | Next Chapter

The cause behind Akiko’s unease unravels a day later. 

She’s in the midst of weaving her last stitch, the sun finally having risen, when Miruna hops into the room. 

“Hey! Out! Contamination!” Aoi tries to kick Miruna out, but what Miruna says next thoroughly shocks everyone in the room (minus the unconscious demon slayer.)

“Rengoku Kyoujurou has been killed by Upper Moon Three! Tamura Akiko is to report to the Ubuyashiki Estate at once!” Then, Miruna hops out. 

Akiko finishes up, leaving everything else into the hands of the girls. She quickly thanks them before washing herself up, ridding herself of blood before quickly pulling on some fresh clothes. 

Goto is already waiting for her outside, and she’s blindfolded before thrown onto his back. Then, the two are off and Akiko uneasily awaits for her arrival. 

Time passes by quickly, Goto hightailing it to the Ubuyashiki Estate. Once she gets there, Akiko immediately takes notice that she’s the only one there. This quickly changes, as Miyuki walks into the garden with Sanemi. 

Miyuki looks so utterly drained, and it looks like she’s been crying. Sanemi glances at her with worry, and Akiko can see the love in his eyes. But Miyuki’s tears are shed for someone else. 

“Akiko…” Miyuki weakly mutters, her arms spread out for Akiko to run in to. Miyuki’s cold presence is closer than usual, and Akiko shudders when she pulls away, but it seems to have made Miyuki the smallest bit better, and that’s all Akiko can ever hope for. 

“Akiko? Care to sit next to me?” A familiar voice asks, and Akiko whirls around to the engawa. 

Oyakata-sama is already seated with one of his daughters by his side, and he’s patting the area next to him. 

“There’s something I need to discuss before I start the Pillar meeting,” he says, and Akiko carefully takes her shoes off before crawling up onto the engawa. 

As more of the Pillars begin to show up, they look at Akiko curiously. She knows that she doesn’t have a strong presence, so they must be confused as to why someone like her gets to sit next to the dearly beloved Oyakata-sama. At each Pillar’s arrival, his daughter lists their names. 

So Akiko meets Himejima Gyomei, Tokitou Muichirou, Iguro Obanai, Kanroji Mitsuri, and Uzui Tengen. Her teacher, Kochou Shinobu, shows up, and looks surprised when she sees Akiko seated next to Oyakata-sama. There’s also Tomioka Giyuu, but Akiko ignores him completely. 

The only person missing is Rengoku Kyoujurou, though Akiko’s never met him before. No one makes a move to comment on his passing. Miyuki looks torn enough. 

“Let’s get started, shall we? I know Akiko here has some more lives to save,” Oyakata-sama comments, and Akiko looks down to her lap in embarrassment. 

He’s straight to the point, and Akiko’s eyes widen when he declares, “Tamura Akiko is the official Demon Corps head physician.” 

He chuckles lightly, “Though I suppose it’s been like that since the start. At any rate, because of the overall looming threat of the Upper Moon demons and Kibutsuji Muzan himself, Pillars will only go on missions when there is the threat of an Upper Moon demon. Akiko will be on standby for these missions, so please treat her well.” 

Akiko pales under the gaze of all the pillars, and she can feel their judgement. It’s like being looked down upon by other male demon slayers, but it’s worse this time. Only the female pillars look at her with warmth. Akiko feels like an animal at display in a zoo. 

“Your crows now have orders to fly to Akiko as soon as you encounter an Upper Moon, and for her to hurry to your location as soon as possible.” 

Miruna caws nearby, fluttering into Akiko lap and glaring at the other pillars. Akiko shushes her crow before a bunch of other crows flock to her, and they all start to caw at each other before flying off again. 

Despite her overwhelming want to hide in a pit, Akiko looks up to meet the gazes of the pillars head on, and she raises her hand, “Hi.” 

“I refuse to have a doctor babysit me.” 

“Sanemi.” 

“I will reconsider my refusal.” 

Miyuki flashes Akiko a weak smile, and Akiko is grateful. 

Akiko is told to go back to the Butterfly Estate, and the Pillar meeting commences. Goto asks her what happened on their way back, and when she tells him the news he congratulates her. 

“It was bound to happen,” he says nonchalantly, and Akiko feels warm with the praises she’s been receiving. Three years of hard work and her title is official. She can’t wait to send her parents a letter, as much as her father won’t believe it. 

The trip back seems shorter, since she and Goto have things to talk about. Once a certain distance away, Goto removes her blind fold so that she can enjoy the scenery.

He makes sure that she promises not to tell anyone that he has a certain soft spot for the ginko eyed girl, and she flashes him a bright smile in her happiness. 

Akiko is surprised to see Aoi waiting at the front gate for her. 

She frantically rushes up to Akiko, and Akiko can only assume the worst. 

“Everything is already prepped! Tanjirou’s been stabbed in the lower left abdomen!” 

Everything feels like a whirlwind for Akiko. Aoi has to ask her multiple times if she’s mentally strong enough to perform surgery on her fiance, and Akiko insists that she’ll be fine, but the truth is that Akiko has no idea. 

She’s patched up plenty of torn open stomachs before, and from what she’s heard, Tanjirou stopped the bleeding with his full concentration breathing. This case shouldn’t be all too hard, but her hands sweat a bit at the idea. 

She sees Zenitsu without many injuries, and Inosuke looks like he’s been crying, but Tanjirou is the one that’s suffered the most. 

He’s laying on the table, and he smiles weakly when he sees Akiko enter the room. 

There’s more than just exhaustion in him, and Akiko is too busy blocking out other emotions to try and figure out his own. She’ll just have to ask him what happened after she saves his life, and she makes a promise to herself to make sure Tanjirou makes it out alive. 

A mask is pulled over his face, and the last thing he sees is gold. 

Tanjirou dreams of his father. 

He’s just hit double digits, and he’s helping his father to weave some sandals. Akiko is playing with his other siblings, and Takeo is helping Kie with the laundry. 

Everything is perfect. 

Tanjuro looks down at his son, smiling when he sees that Tanjirou is watching his fiancee with soft eyes. Tanjirou laughs when his father strokes his hair, and he begins to help weave sandals again. 

“I’m really glad you chose Akiko to be my fiance!” Tanjirou smiles up at his father, and a memory is brought back up to the surface for Tanjuro. 

He stares at his son, a bit troubled, and Tanjirou’s nose twitches at the different scent. He looks back up at his father, tilting his head as he waits for his father to explain his change in mood. 

Tanjuro looks at his hard working wife, then back down at his son before smiling sadly. 

“We never told you the story as to why you’re engaged to Akiko, now did we?” 

Tanjirou shakes his head no, and Tanjuro delves into the story. He keeps it quick and straight to the point, and Tanjirou is old enough to understand the situation. But there’s a condition that Tanjuro makes sure to emphasize, and fear makes its way into Tanjirou’s heart. 

“Tanjirou, you must remember that you two aren’t shackled together by ball and chain. If perhaps one of you falls in love with someone else, you’re allowed to leave the engagement. Ray and I didn’t want this to be set in stone, you see?” 

He doesn’t like this. 

There’s a chance that Akiko will marry someone else. 

Would that mean all the time they spent loving each other will go to waste? 

But they’re still kids, so will Akiko not even count her engagement to Tanjirou after she meets someone she truly loves? 

Akiko leaves for Tokyo again next week, and Tanjirou has faith in her while she’s there, but does Akiko know that she holds a key to the cuffs that bind the two? 

Tanjirou blinks when he sees that Akiko is waving at him with a smile, and he waves back too. Akiko can see the mood shift between the father and son from where she is, and she doesn’t like how fearful Tanjirou looks. 

So she runs up to him, orange in hand that she helped Nezuko pick just now. 

“Look! It’s all ripe and everything! Here, you can have it!” Akiko smiles, and Tanjirou takes it gratefully. 

When he holds the orange up to his face, his eyes shift from her eyes to the orange. The colors are off, but he still decides that it’s close enough to compare to again. 

His heart melts from worry and he tucks the new information into the back of his mind. 

“It kinda reminds me of your eyes!” 

When Tanjirou wakes back up, he sees an IV stuck in his arm. His body feels stiff and he’s in pain overall, but he has to assume that he’s already maxed out on painkillers. 

Judging by the smell, it’s Aoi that just walked into the room, and she casually walks up to his bedside. She has a plate of food and a cup of water on the tray that she’s holding, and she sets it by his bedside table to check on the IV bags. 

“You’ve been out for a couple days, and Akiko is a little busy accompanying one of the pillars on their mission, but she’ll be back soon,” Aoi tell him, and he blankly nods his head.

Aoi sighs when she assumes that her words went in one ear and out the other, but there isn’t much she can do about that. 

So she ups his morphine then walks out. 

Akiko returns late at night, a little blood on her hands but nonetheless injury free. It’s not even the blood of a pillar, rather a demon slayer she found on the side of the road that accidentally cut themselves with their katana. 

Idiot. 

She sighs, washing her face over the sink and ridding the blood from her hands. Her shoulders ache a bit from the weight of the bag, since Iguro refused to help her carry it despite the fact that she lagged behind a lot. 

“You’re the official doctor now. Figure it out.” 

Akiko wants to sock him in the face. 

At any rate, when Aoi tells her that Tanjirou is awake, Akiko quickly makes her way to the medical ward, only to find that Tanjirou isn’t even in bed. Zenitsu and Inosuke are out like a light, though they aren’t even injured, and Akiko rolls her eyes at the empty dishes by their bedside. 

Kanon is just too nice sometimes. 

So Akiko wanders the empty halls, her eyes aiding her through the darkness, and she finds herself staring at a mindless Tanjirou looking up at the moon on the engawa. 

She quietly seats herself next to him, her eyes already checking over his state and making sure that he isn’t sleeping while sitting. 

“The demon gave us a bunch of dreams,” Tanjirou starts, and Akiko listens. “It was a really nice dream. You were in it. So was mom, and Rokuta, and Hanako, and Shigeru, and even Takeo. Nezuko was under the sun, and I was really happy. 

I think the fact that it was a dream turned it into a nightmare. 

I wonder what aniki dreamed of…” 

Akiko looks over at him, “Aniki?” 

“Kyoujurou. He promised to make us his tsuguko.” 

Akiko feels bad that she asked, and she can see the pain well up in Tanjirou. He turns away from the moon to look at Akiko, and it hurts even more to see the reflection from the moonlight in her eyes, the exact sight he saw in his dream. 

“Can you hold me?” 

Immediately, Akiko holds her arms wide open, and Tanjirou cries as he falls into her embrace. Her slightly bloodied shirt starts to stain with his tears, but he keeps his sobbing quiet. Akiko is running her hand through his hair like she did in the dream, and he can’t help but cry louder. 

“You could have saved him,” he hiccups out, and Akiko’s heart throbs. 

“If anyone, you could have. Akiko, he died a noble death, and if you were there you could have saved him…! I know you can…” He continues to cry, but Akiko doesn’t say anything. 

“I saw more of the city. I saw the environment you grew up in without me. You’re different now and I love that, but you don’t need me anymore.” 

Akiko blinks owlishly at his sudden turn of topic, but she allows him to release all his pent up emotions. He’s an unstable wreck right now, and the best thing she can do is listen. 

He pulls away to look at her, and he can’t see properly thanks to the tears in his eyes, but he smiles when Akiko thumbs his tears away. 

“I love you so much Akiko. We grew up together, and we taught each other so much. But if you don’t want to marry me because you want to choose your own life, I understand.” 

What.

Akiko glares down at her fiance before squishing and pulling his cheeks, and Tanjirou can smell an immense amount of frustration. 

“You’re really dumb.” 

“....Huh?” 

“Like really really dumb. Super duper dumb! I can’t believe you’re such a big dummy! Dum dum.” 

“Akiko, wait-” 

“Alright listen here,” she slaps his cheeks, and he winces from the pain. But it’s Akiko’s mistake to ram her forehead into his, and he can see a trail of blood roll down her forehead, but she pays it no mind. 

“A- Akiko-?!” 

“I love you, Tanjirou. And I’m glad we get to marry each other. After all this pain you put me through, because I love you, you think I’m going to not marry you? I’ve loved you since we were kids, arranged marriage or not. 

And we’ll keep growing up together, and we’ll keep teaching each other. We’re still young! I’m still choosing my own life, and that includes you. I choose you, Kamado Tanjirou. 

Because I love you.” 

He stares into the eyes of an unwavering woman, and the sunrise reflects in her glassy eyes. She’s tearing up, and Tanjirou can’t help himself from crying again. 

So he holds her face too, and he laughs. 

Her eyes shine with their new beginning together, as equals. 

She kisses him, and all is well between the two. 

thats that on that for that arc :,,) theyve figured(?) things out!! 

also dont kill me but aoi and kanao are gonna date in my story and you hating fuckers can FOF OFF thanks i love the idea of them together :,) also im p sure aoi is actually a year older than everyone?? o h?? shes second year of high school in the kimetsu gakuen au so shes actually older!! 

also the amount of parallels i have in my story,,,, LMAO COOL 

and a thank you to @kny-writings for letting me borrow miyuki again! she might make a couple more appearances uwu 

[pchangposts]

a melancholic realization.

its about 12 am on a saturday night and i hadnt received a single snap, text message, or fb message today. as i watch all my friends having fun with each other via their social media, it starts to dawn on me where my place in their lives is. ive always been envious of people who have some tight group of friends they can always rely on to hang out with and just have fun together casually. i feel like i was always the kid that people knew and was friends with, but i was never really included in like a “best friend” type of group where people would just hit me up and ask to hang out. that was until i joined PBL and everyone was constantly asking to hang. even though i was introverted, it felt nice to be a part of a tight friend group for once. and then i took that for granted when i started to join APO. 

all of a sudden i started a new friend group with my $ fam and before i knew it, i had drifted away from my old PBL fam. even in their social media stories today, i see them hanging out all the time, going to events together, grabbing routine dinners with each other. part of me thinks, what if i had just stuck with PBL. would i have been included in all these close friend group routines? i definitely do miss these friends right now but at the time i joined APO, i didnt much care about these thoughts because i felt so happy and tight with my APO fam/friends. hung out everyday, went to events together, could hang out with anyone at any given time. yeah, i was happy. I developed some of my closest relationships during APO and im grateful for it. i guess i just wish that it lasted even after college. i see all of them hanging with each other in their stories, with my self absent and uninvited. i appreciate the times i do get invited to big parties or events that are thrown, but at the same time, it feels like those might be the only things i may be invited to in the future. they all celebrate birthday meals with each other and just from simple stuff like that, i just miss being able to casually hang out with them. but i know i have no right to impose myself on stuff they dont feel the need to invite me to, i get it. life after college, definitely gets lonely. it was a lot easier with my roommates in oakland right after college. they were fun, inviting, and very easy to get along with. after they moved out i think i just felt that a part of me left with them. i definitely miss them a lot. i love my roommates right now too, but at the same time, i feel as though i have to tread carefully and hold in a lot of my thoughts. just recently, i was scolded for saying my first thought (which i thought was a very trivial one at that). i felt bad and so now, i feel as though i dont want to say anything as to not start any trouble. i want to be able to hang out with the roomies but theyre all so busy, i feel the house is empty half the time. i find myself alone in my room for periods of time, hoping for someone to message me to hang out or even grab a simple bite to eat. but im starting to lose all these connections and i start to receive fewer and fewer messages every day from people. and its making me think: maybe my time up here in Bay Area is over? anytime someone asks me when i would consider moving back to SoCal, i always proudly tell them, “in several years, when all my friends in SF have moved away”. maybe i was naive thinking that “moving away” had to be a physical connection. i now realize, its more of an emotional connection and if i were to move back to LA, probably no one would rly care? i wish it were as simple as that but unfortunately, i have no one back in SoCal to return to either. everyone in high school had cast me out like a loner and an outcast. that was part of the reason i was excited to move to berkeley for school for a fresh start. guess everything came full circle huh. definitely the one friendship i regret losing the most would be with serena. she was a loyal friend and one i could count on. i just wish i hadnt taken it for granted. i wish i hadnt taken all of these friendships for granted. saw some quote somewhere “i wish there was a way to know youre in the good ol days, before youve actually left them”. maybe if i knew that, i couldve done something different to maintain my relationships with friends. 

lol or maybe im just being super angsty right now because im taking accutane, which are meds known to cause depression. which is ironic cause im taking the meds since i was self conscious and depressed about my acne and it helped get rid of my acne. but yeah, id say if you were to ask me if i was happy with life, i could quite confidently tell you no. ive lost a lot of the meaningful connections with my friends, and it only gets harder to make new ones as you grow older. im not really sure what to do with myself and i dont know how im gonna survive. but watching some throwbacks on Disney Plus is at least helping a little bit. i hope i can be happy again one day. i hope i can read this in a couple years and be able to tell myself, youre gonna be ok. 

[artificialqueens]

Just the Game We’re In - Chapter 12 (Ortega

a/n: I have honestly no idea how to start this off, and I’m aware I’m not accepting a fucking Oscar, so I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. Back in the summer of 2016, there was a crossover fic challenge posted to this blog. I was in the process of finishing MasP and, as someone who fucking loved The Thick Of It and knew how well Bianca would fit as Malcolm Tucker, I posted chapter 1 of what started as a lighthearted, funny Politics AU, Just the Game We’re In. Fast forward nearly three fucking years, me graduating from uni and getting a job, countless long-ass fuckin update gaps and 179,065 words later, this is the final chapter, and I have no idea what the fuck I’m going to do with my life now!! I know I’m not the first person to ever finish a fic in this blog’s history, i ain’t special sis, but I really do want to say thank you thank you thank you to anyone who has ever given any chapter of this a note, reblogged it with something lovely, made fucking fanart or a moodboard (still in awe at that), has read any part of it, or has simply been a friend I’ve made through the writing process. It would be criminal not to specially mention @purecamp- she has without a doubt been Game’s biggest cheerleader throughout it all and legit I may not have even finished this if it wasn’t for her. She is a fantastic person and an amazing friend. I’ll sound like a wet wipe, but Game has legit changed my life. When I was little my dream was to be an author and I loved writing stories. I had never expected my writing to get much of a response when I joined AQ but I can safely say that this blog has been so so amazing and has really allowed me to live my childhood dream of writing a story that people actually wanted to read (this is the definition of cheesy). I’ll shut up now, but here she is everyone. As always lmk what u think over at artificialortega, I tried so hard to make it the most absolutely perfect ending. Chapter 12 of Game, the final chapter. It has been some fuckin wild ride. Xxxxxxxxx

(p.s. phi phi ur a babe im sorry i made u the opposition in this fic and i know u don’t have shitty opinions like game phi phi)

The street was silent. Time had seemed to freeze completely, and even the sound of the car speeding away seemed to be on mute. Perhaps it was just the overwhelming ringing in Willam’s ears that drowned everything else out, which sounded eerily akin to a flatline.

Willam could only blink and feel her heartbeat through her chest, cruelly taunting her and reminding her that Sharon, lying on the concrete, might not have had that privilege. Was she moving? Was she bleeding? Was she alive?

It felt as if Willam stood there frozen for minutes but it was probably only seconds, as all at once she felt herself walking forward, two slow steps and then breaking out into a sprint where she skidded to a halt beside Sharon’s body.

Fuck, no, not her body, Willam thought. Beside Sharon. Sharon, the living human being.

“Sharon,” Willam felt her voice come out as nothing more than a hoarse, panic-induced whisper. She looked at the woman in front of her. Willam was relieved to find that there weren’t any horrific, horror-movie style streams of blood pissing out of her. Suddenly she remembered the phrase she’d gleaned from many hours of her Mum watching Casualty, “internal bleeding”, and her heart grew cold. There were some huge scratches on her head which were already taking on the greenish hue of a bruise underneath, and the friction of her body on the tarmac had ripped open the light Summer jacket Sharon had been wearing and opened a deep gash on the arm which sat ugly and unmoving, a stagnant red against her pale skin.

Her leg was bent at a gruesomely impossible angle.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Willam hissed, shock pulsing through her like a thousand volts as she grabbed her phone from her jacket pocket and grew frustrated as it clung to the material and wouldn’t seem to budge. After some fierce tugs it finally emerged. Willam fumbled with her passcode two times then succeeded in opening her phone, and with shaky fingers she dialled 4 9s, deleted one, and hit the call button.

It rang once, then twice, then again. The ringing continued. Willam’s panic increased tenfold. How often do you need to phone 999 in your life, and when you finally do they don’t fucking pick up the phone?

Finally, the voice of the operator came down the line.

“999, which service do you require?”

“Ambulance, please,” Willam breathed out, the scared tone in her voice and the small, polite plea at the end making her feel as if she was about 5 years old.

“And the address please?”

Willam looked around, panic consuming her every movement and rendering her unable to see clearly. “We’re outside the Crown and Anchor in Chiswick, I don’t know the road name, um-”

“Can you see any road signs at all?”

Willam found her gaze focussing on a street sign a little further along the road. “Um. Belmont Road, I think? I’m sorry, I can’t-”

“Don’t worry, love, we’ve got it,” the voice replied soothingly, making Willam feel more like a child than ever. “And can you describe what’s happened at all?”

“My friend,” Willam began, then was suddenly cut off by a sob that unexpectedly welled up and burst in her throat, causing two tears to spring from her eyes. “She’s been hit by a car, it just came along from nowhere and it didn’t stop, she rolled right over it.”

“Your friend’s been hit by a car? Okay, my love. And you’re saying the car didn’t brake?”

“No,” Willam gasped, her breathing becoming more and more erratic as she sobbed. Fuck, where had all this crying come from?

“Was the car moving quickly?”

Willam frowned. It had been so long since she’d driven it was hard to give an estimate. “It seemed to be going pretty fast but I couldn’t say how much, sorry.”

There was a short pause. Willam looked at Sharon lying below her, then in panic around her as she realised she was still on the road. “I’m not being rude but is the ambulance coming?”

“Don’t worry, love, I know it can be hard when you’re waiting for someone to arrive. The ambulance has been dispatched, don’t panic. Keep talking to me. Is your friend conscious?”

Willam instantly turned to Sharon. “Sharon?” she shook her shoulder, lifted up an eyelid. “Sharon? Fuck, I don’t think so.”

“Don’t think so. Okay. Is she breathing?”

Willam knelt close to her chest and rested her hand on her heart. She felt the gentle rise and fall of her chest and wanted to cry with relief.  “Yes.”

“Still breathing, okay. And you said the patient’s name was Sharon?”

“Yeah, Sharon Needles,” Willam stuttered, momentarily worried about the headlines then cursing herself for the priorities she automatically had.

“Is she bleeding?” the call carrier continued, seemingly not the least bit fazed by the famous invalid.

“She’s got a massive big cut on her arm, but nothing else major. Um…some scratches here and there? I don’t know what’ll need stitches or not…fuck, fuck,” Willam breathed, the seriousness and reality of the situation hitting her all over again. “We’re still on the road, should I move her?”

“No, don’t move her, love. There could be broken bones which might be made worse if you do.”

Willam sighed, taking Sharon’s hand absent-mindedly. The small gesture almost broke her heart and reminded her of how things used to be. Maybe everything would be different if she’d never accepted Sharon’s offer of drinks, this may never have happened. She sighed in exasperation as she suppressed another sob. “Is the ambulance nearby?”

“I’m sorry love, it’s on its way. I know the questions can be annoying but everything we get we pass on to the paramedics-”

“She’s my friend,” Willam said softly, bringing her other hand up to stroke Sharon’s cheek.

“I know, love, we’re doing all we can at this end. Can you describe your friend for me? Age, gender, nationailty?”

The questions seemed to go round in a circle. They were endless, and Willam could feel herself growing more and more irate as the minutes seemed to tick by. Finally, after what seemed like hours, an ambulance slowly drew to a halt on the opposite side of the road to Willam. She immediately hung up on the operator and sprinted to the paramedics who were on their way over to Sharon.

“Hello there!” one greeted her, as natural and cheerful as if she’d just asked him about the weather. “Right, so this is our patient over here. What’s her name?“

Everything passed on to the paramedics my ass, Willam cursed under her breath, then spoke. “It’s Sharon. She was hit by a car.”

“Hello, Sharon, love!” the other paramedic greeted her, lifting her eyelids and shining a small torch into them. “Can you hear us, Sharon?”

Willam wanted to hiss at them that they’d get more conversation out of Helen Keller but she remembered that she wasn’t in Dosac any more, she wasn’t at work, she was lying on a road with her friend crumpled in a heap and no matter how incompetent these people seemed, they were there to help her.

“No response. Okay, grab the gurney.”

What followed this may as well have been another language as the two paramedics spoke in terrifying terminology about IV drips, lacerations and bone fractures. The man brought out a huge metal trolley that Sharon was lifted up onto after some form of yellow styrofoam-looking cast was placed around her mangled leg and another one was placed around her head. As she was carried into the ambulance, Willam, who had been silent for some time save for answering the paramedic’s questions, spoke up.

“Can I, um. Can I come with you in the ambulance?”

‘Of course you can, darling,” the female paramedic smiled at her. Willam momentarily wondered why NHS staff seemed to speak solely in pet names. “What’s your name, love?”

“Willam.”

“Willam, okay. And you are Sharon’s…?”

Willam paused for a beat. “I’m her best friend.”

“Bestie, aw that’s nice. So you were out for some drinks when this happened then, yeah? Girls night out?”

“Something like that,” Willam sighed, climbing the steps up to the back of the ambulance then sitting in the small chair at the end of the vehicle and putting her seatbelt on. Sharon sat in the silver trolley opposite her already hooked up to various machines. Symbols and numbers flashed on a small screen, none of which Willam could tell was good or bad.

“Okay, seatbelt on,” the woman instructed her, sitting down in her own seat herself. “We’ll be at the hospital in no time. Once we’re there, we’ll-”

Willam barely heard her as her mind began to drift away, and all she could focus on were the sirens attached to the ambulance that seemed so far away. That all-too-familiar sound that she recognised from streets and junctions was her and Sharon, the pair of them racing through central London in an ambulance.

Soon enough they arrived at the hospital, and Sharon was being wheeled out of the ambulance, down a ramp and straight into the building. Willam followed awkwardly behind, past people in wheelchairs and others in beds hooked up to various beeping machines and parked, or perhaps abandoned, in corridors. The male paramedic turned to her suddenly as Sharon was wheeled behind a curtain.

“I’m sorry- she can’t have anyone with her at the moment.”

Willam frowned, helpless. “But-”

“She’s in good hands, I promise,” he smiled at her, his gentle eyes reminding her of a long-dead Grandpa she had loved dearly and making her want to cry all over again. His face turned conspiratorial as his eyes shifted around. “Look you shouldn’t really, but if you go to that desk over there you’ll get taken to a relative’s room. It’s not much but it’ll be a quiet room with a kettle and a sofa and a phone and it’ll be a hell of a lot better than sitting stressed in the waiting room.”

Willam gazed over at the desk in question, opposite which were hordes of people waiting to be seen- some looked fine, some had huge wads of kitchen roll wrapped around cuts, there were a couple of drunk men singing football chants and a child with a toy stuck to their foot. Definitely not ideal company.

“Thanks,” Willam summoned up a smile to return to the man.

“That’s alright. I know you must have had a stressful evening,” he said sincerely, frowning.

Willam nodded to him. “It’s appreciated, um…”

“Mattheiu,” the paramedic smiled, holding out a hand for her to shake. She took it gently, thanked him for perhaps the third time, and made her way to the desk where she answered a few questions in a daze and then got shown to a small room, just as Matthieu had described- small, windowless, with dim lights and a single sofa and a little tray with a kettle, teabags, coffee and a pot of milk. There was a landline phone too, and Willam wanted to laugh at it before she checked her phone and realised she had no signal.

She sat on the sofa and took one deep, shuddery breath. What would happen now? Should she have phoned the police too? Willam hadn’t known what to do, but at least Sharon was being taken care of now. She hoped to God she would be okay. Willam thought hard. What had the car looked like? Silver. Or was it black? Fuck, she couldn’t remember. Number plate? Willam was fucked if she knew. This was terrible. If the police did arrive she would be about as much use as a bottle of Becks at an AA meeting. Something inside Willam questioned whether the whole thing had been an accident. It was easily enough explained- or what if it had been planned? Anyone who ran someone over would have stopped and got out and checked to see if the person was okay, surely? Maybe it was someone who felt too guilty to stop, who was too terrified in case they got convicted- or maybe it was somebody who was satisfied they’d completed what they’d set out to do. What if they’d charged the wrong person for the death threats? What if they had still been at large the whole time?

Willam sighed. Her head was too full, and it was killing her not being able to talk the situation out with anybody. Suddenly, it struck her that people would need to know what had happened. Two people in particular, Willam thought- one in particular that probably hated her but who would come into the hospital to sit with her, and to be with her. After all, she still cared about Willam, she had said so herself. The second was worse, but she still needed to be here. Willam knew she would immediately come in, no matter how bad things had been between her and the woman currently lying on a hospital trolley. She needed to know before it got into the press, and Willam had horrific visions of one of them finding out from a BBC News 24 notification.

Her professional brain urged her to phone Bianca first, and Willam growled at it angrily as she picked up the landline, looked in her contacts, and dialled the number of the first woman in question. She could have been apprehensive or afraid, but not right now. Right now she was afraid of something much worse, and it wasn’t on the other end of the phone.

Courtney picked up after four rings. “Hello?”

“Hey. It’s me,” Willam began, her stomach sinking at having to do this over the phone.

“Willam…it’s two in the morning.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t know if you’d still be awake.”

Courtney’s voice wasn’t harsh or reprimanding as Willam had expected. It was as if she knew that something was up. Sure enough, the Australian accent came down the line again. “Willam, what’s happened?”

Willam felt her blood run cold. She didn’t want to have to bear the news. “Sharon’s in hospital.”

“Oh fuck.”

“She was run over by a car,” Willam said, completely unsure of where the conversation went from here.

“Oh Jesus. Is she okay? Fuck, sorry, what a stupid question,” Courtney’s voice was apologetic, and Willam could hear commotion on the other end of the line, and snuffling.

“Courtney, don’t be upset. It’s okay, it’ll be alright,” Willam found herself comforting the girl on the end of the phone, annoyed that there wasn’t much else she could do.

“Are you at the hospital now? Can I come in?” Willam could hear Courtney struggling with something down the line, perhaps a coat or a pair of shoes.

“Yeah, please. We’re at Charing Cross Hospital. Phone me when you’re outside- no, shit, I’ve got no reception. Just tell me how long you’ll be and I’ll go and wait at the main entrance for you.”

Courtney gave a small, helpless sigh. “Fuck, I don’t know, I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait for a taxi at this time of night.”

“Courtney, you live in London,” Willam said, unable to help herself as she snorted a small giggle.

“Fuck. Right,” Courtney matched her laughter, which quickly turned into a sob. “Fuck. Um, half an hour?”

“Okay. See you then,” Willam sighed, her heart hurting at Courtney’s panic. “Courtney, it’ll be okay. Don’t worry. She’s safe now.”

“Right,” Courtney replied with a sniff, which didn’t inspire any confidence in Willam. “See you then.”

With that, Courtney was gone. Willam deflated on the sofa, letting out what seemed to be all the air in her lungs.

That had been hard enough. Now for the phone call she really didn’t want to have to make.

***

Willam had decided to wait at the entrance a little earlier than she said she’d be, just in case Courtney was early too. Part of her was anxious about leaving the relatives room, in case somebody arrived with news about Sharon, but she’d said she would meet Courtney at the door. As she stood in the chilly night air, she watched as cars and taxis pulled up and people came and went, the hospital just as busy as it probably was during the daytime. Health didn’t sleep or take a rest, thought Willam, and she supposed anything could happen to anyone at any time. Life was scary, she pondered, and mortality was so fragile.

As she was wondering, she was suddenly distracted by a sudden, harsh pounding of footsteps on the pavement, and somebody sobbing. Willam looked up and saw Alaska running from a taxi and straight towards her. If it had been any other situation, Willam would have laughed- Alaska was wearing trainers on her feet paired with huge fluffy bedsocks, her outfit consisted of Winnie The Pooh pyjama bottoms and a huge, baggy hoodie, probably pulled on over her pyjama top. A huge parka topped off the look, and Alaska’s face was red and blotchy with puffy eyes which had tears streaming from them.

As Alaska finally reached Willam, she flung her arms around her in a hug and the girl’s body was racked with sobs. Willam sighed, muttering soft, calming words and rubbing Alaska’s back in circles. It had been a horrendous phone call even though it hadn’t lasted long- Alaska, just like Courtney, sensed something had been up, even to the extent that she’d known something had happened to Sharon. She had immediately broken down in tears, but Willam had hardly had time to say anything comforting to her before she was gone, presumably to phone a taxi.

“Is she okay?” Alaska squeaked out in between shudders and sobs. Willam gave her a squeeze.

“She’s in good hands. They’ve not given me an update but I think she’ll be okay. She was still breathing when I was with her so that’s a good sign.”

Alaska broke away from the hug slightly, horror on her face. “Oh my God, you were there? What happened?”

Willam sighed, not wanting to relive it all. “We had been for a drink and we were literally just saying goodbye. Sharon was crossing the road and we were mucking about, she was sort of walking across it really slowly. She stopped and paused in the middle of it and then the car just came at her.”

“She stopped in the road?” Alaska whispered. Willam could see her mind was going at around a thousand miles an hour.

“Alaska, it was 1am. The streets were dead.”

“But surely you could hear the car coming? Fuck, Willam, why didn’t you stop her or push her out of the way or something?” Alaska said, growing frustrated. Then, seeing Willam’s hackles immediately raising at the accusation, she stopped. “Sorry. Shit, I’m sorry, Willam, it wasn’t your fault, none of it was your fault. Fuck, it’s such a mess.”

Alaska began to cry again and Willam pulled her back into a hug. As she started to calm down, Willam took her hand and squeezed it.

“I’ve been put in a relative’s room- nobody’s updated me about Sharon yet but then I’ve only been here for 20 minutes. Why don’t we go inside and see if there’s been any progress?” she summoned a smile for her friend, not yet letting go of her hand. She led Alaska back into the hospital, past the initial shopping-centre facade of coffee shops and WH Smiths that lined the entrance hall and staved off the horrors of the fact that they were in an actual fucking hospital- a place where people bled and suffered and died, and Willam hated it.

She had only just managed to find her way back to the relative’s room and get a snuffling Alaska sat on the couch when a doctor who seemed entirely too young in an all-too-stereotypical white coat entered. Willam could have laughed at how much of a parody everything seemed, until the doctor spoke.

“Hello, ladies. I’m Dr Hall, I’ve been put in charge of Sharon for the time being,” he stuck out his hand, Willam following suit and shaking it while Alaska was unable to rise from the couch.

“I’m Willam, that’s Alaska. She’s Sharon’s girlfriend,” she responded as she shook. Semantics could get fucked for now- Alaska cared like a girlfriend, cried like a girlfriend and worried like a girlfriend so for the moment, that was who she was to Sharon.

“Good to meet you both. I’ve just been in triage with Sharon and I’ve done an initial assessment with the head nurse. It’s hard to say until we run some more thorough tests, but for the moment we believe Sharon has sustained a number of injuries and she’ll be in the ICU for her time here.”

There, the doctor paused as if to take in the reactions of the girls in front of him. Willam had been aware of a cry from Alaska, but she was motionless and felt completely sick. “Injuries like what?”

“Well, we’re certain she’s broken her leg. That’s straightforward enough and we’ll be able to fix that. She also has a laceration on her right arm that will need stitched up, but everything else seems to be internal. Her breathing is very laboured so we think there could be some sort of fracture to her ribs or alternatively a traumatic pneumothorax, what you and I would refer to as a punctured lung.”

Alaska gave a gasp as Willam took all of the information in. She knew Sharon was hurt, but she didn’t realise just how bad it was, as silly as it sounded.

“Apart from that, we’ll need to get her a CT scan to assess whether or not there’s any internal bleeding or any other fractures or breakages,” he continued, his face softening as his eyes settled on Alaska. “I’m very sorry, I know how hard this must be for you both.”

“Can we see her?” Alaska asked softly, her eyes filled with tears. Willam let a small breath go.

“Alaska, you heard him. Sharon will be waiting to go for scans just now, she’s not in a fit state for us,” Willam sat down next to her friend and pulled her close. Exhaustion seemed to overcome Alaska and her sobs fell quiet, choosing to look intently at the floor instead. Willam turned to address the doctor. “When can we see her, though?”

“It’s hard to say. Once she’s had her scans she might need to go into theatre and if so, she’ll be waiting for that. When she’s done, we’ll give her a room and you can go and see her. Until then you’re welcome to use this room as your base, and if you need me at all then please feel free to ask at reception for me,” Dr Hall smiled gently, nodding to the two women as he left the room and closed the door silently.

Once he was gone, silence filled the small room. Willam stood up slowly.

“Lask, I’m going to need to head back outside. I said I’d pick up Courtney. Are you going to be okay here?”

The other woman wordlessly nodded. Despite the uneasy feeling in her chest, Willam knew she had to go outside to see if Courtney was there.

As she walked back to the same spot where she’d met Alaska, thoughts swirled around her mind and poured over the top of each other like a whirlpool. A punctured lung, internal bleeding. All of it was so horrible. Willam couldn’t help but imagine the worst, and her stomach felt so tight and sick.

She didn’t have to walk all the way back outside, as she found Courtney as she turned into the small shopping area. She was leaving the little M&S food (capitalism at its worst, Willam thought, putting arguably the most expensive supermarket in a hospital so people have no other choice but to buy from them) with a small shopping bag and her face, similar to Alaska’s, was red and tear-stained. She was dressed in a sweatshirt, jeans and trainers but her hair was still curled neatly, indicative of her date just hours before.

She’d probably been having such a good night, Willam thought, and I’ve ruined it.

“Courtney,” Willam called her over, the other girl’s head turning at the mention of her name. Selfishly, Willam’s heart lifted at the brief light that shone in Courtney’s eyes when she saw her. As if everything that had happened between them had been forgotten, Courtney hurried forward and wrapped her arms around Willam in a hug. Willam could feel her breathing deeply as she sighed and her mind cruelly taunted her, the image of a rib piercing through Sharon’s lung springing to mind involuntarily even though she knew that wasn’t how a punctured lung worked. For a moment they both stood still in each other’s arms, the two women simply needing held, one anchoring the other.

Courtney pulled away first, like Willam knew she would. She fixed her red eyes on Willam’s and her face was full of concern. “How is she, Willam?”

“Doctor was just in, they’re doing a scan on her now but they think she’s got a punctured lung and maybe internal bleeding. She’s broken her leg and the road sliced her arm open too. She could have fractured or broken more bones but they don’t know yet,” Willam sighed, unable to break Courtney’s gaze. The other woman looked sick as she glanced down the corridor. Willam could see she was looking at all the different horrifying hospital signs, each as cryptic and foreboding as the last.

“Oh God, it’s horrible. Absolutely fucking horrible,” she said softly, shakily breathing in.

“She’ll be in the ICU once they’ve finished with her, but we don’t know how long that’ll be. Alaska’s here, and they’ve given us a room to wait in,” Willam explained, as she began to walk slowly forward, gently encouraging Courtney to follow.

Courtney walked a couple of steps silently, then gave a panicked laugh. “I’m an idiot. I just went and panic-bought a ton of hospital shit for Sharon. I doubt it’ll be much use to her.”

Willam looked down at the bag. “What did you get?”

Courtney gave a humourless bark of a laugh. “Grapes, Lucosade and Heat magazine.”

“The holy trinity of intensive care unit accessories,” Willam quipped equally humourlessly.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, Willam having to fight the urge to reach down and intertwine her fingers with Courtney’s as they walked down each corridor. She couldn’t believe she was having these horrible, selfish thoughts while Sharon was lying on a hospital trolley somewhere in the building but the whole experience had shocked and scared her, reminded her of how unforgiving and cruel fate could be, and that was enough to make anyone cling to the people they cared for.

The rest of the time in the relatives’ room passed in a blur. Courtney and Alaska were reunited and tears were shed as soon as they saw each other, Courtney clinging to Alaska and muttering how sorry she was over and over again whilst Alaska silently stood and let herself be held, tears alternating between streaming down her cheeks and dropping directly from her eyes onto Courtney’s hoodie. They sat and they waited. Willam made the three of them cups of tea, none of which were drank. They tried to talk about things, mundane things, anything that wasn’t Sharon. They sat still and isolated from each other, save for Courtney holding Alaska’s hand tightly, her knuckles white and curled around Alaska’s fingers.

It had been roughly an hour and twenty minutes when the doctor from before re-appeared in the room, and just before he spoke there was silence like Willam had never heard before, as if the whole world held its breath.

***

The beeping was monotonous and creepy and clinical, but to Willam it was the best sound she’d heard in her life because as long as the beeping continued, it meant Sharon was alive.

She didn’t look very Sharon-like, though, she supposed, as Willam watched in slight horror as her chest rose laboriously up and down. Tubes snaked in and out of various limbs and an oxygen mask was strapped to her swollen face, upon which had developed several green and blue bruises. She looked awful, but she was breathing.

The hours had both dragged and flown by.  03.40, Doctor Hall had explained that Sharon was in theatre as the CAT scan had uncovered internal bleeding near her liver. Their worst fear. Alaska had cried and Courtney had been shaken and Willam sat and stared at nothing, paralysed with fear. 04.15, another visit from the doctor after a tense and sickening half hour in the relatives’ room, which had begun to feel like a prison. The surgeons had stopped the bleeding and Sharon would be okay, although on top of the punctured lung she did have a broken collarbone, two fractured ribs and a fractured pelvis. Willam hadn’t known if she was supposed to be happy that Sharon wasn’t in immediate life-threatening danger or full of dread at all the horrible breaks and fractures she’d sustained. 04.50, another visit from Dr Hall, and just as tensions were running at their highest the three girls had finally been told they could see Sharon.

That had been the last update before they’d followed Dr Hall up to the intensive care unit and into a small, mercifully private room which housed a bed, two chairs, a bedside cabinet, a TV, and Sharon with all her tubes and machines. Willam hadn’t been able to stop staring at the woman on the bed since she’d seen her, and neither had the other two girls. Willam had given both of them the chairs and she’d chosen to stand near the door, which meant she could see both of their expressions. Courtney looked pale and blank-faced, Alaska looked mournful.

It was Alaska who spoke first in an entirely emotionless voice. “She doesn’t look like Sharon.”

There was a silence which Willam filled. “He did tell us that she’d look different. I know it’s freaky but all the stuff she’s hooked up to is all stuff that’s going to help her, Lask.”

Alaska nodded silently. She looked at one of Sharon’s hands, the one closest to the bed, which had an IV line attached to the back of it. Her mouth turned downwards. “I’m scared to even hold her hand in case something else goes wrong.”

Courtney rested a hand on Alaska’s arm. “Nothing’s going to go wrong. It’ll be fine.”

Alaska leaned forward, reached a hand out and awkwardly rested it over Sharon’s, lacing the tips of her fingers through Sharon’s own. Willam let out a breath she was unaware she’d been holding, akin to a sigh of relief.

“When will she wake up, do you think?” Alaska asked, her voice small.

Courtney sighed. “She’ll be resting for a while yet, I think. The pain meds will knock her out quite a bit.”

“Do you think when she wakes up she’d be able to get me some?” Willam deadpanned, without being able to help it. She watched as Alaska turned to look at her, then bit her lip as she stifled a laugh. Courtney first looked to Alaska, then at Willam before she let out a small giggle. Willam smiled. It wasn’t much, an unfunny joke about drugs, but it had lifted some of the tension from the room.

Suddenly, her phone buzzed once, then twice, then three times. A call. She took her phone out of her pocket, and she could see the other girls looking at her forebodingly.

Caller ID- Bianca.

Willam had known that the phone call would come, she just hadn’t expected it to be so soon. She looked at the other two girls, stepped out of the room, and took it.

“Hi, Bianca.”

There was a beat of silence on the other end of the line, which never ever happened in a Bianca Del Rio phone call. When Bianca phoned you she had shit to say immediately and she never wasted time. Now, though, Willam felt the seconds tick by. Her voice finally came. “Willam. What’s happened to Sharon.”

Willam cast her eyes through the glass to the three women in the small room, and her heart sank.

“Willam.”

Willam took a breath. “We were out together. She was in a hit and run. She’s in intensive care.”

There was some form of sound from Bianca that sounded both angry and anguished. Willam held her breath. “I’m sorry, Bianca, I should have phoned you earlier. I should have phoned the police-”

“Willam, you listen to me,” Bianca’s voice came down the line, hoarse and harsh. “Do not dare apologise. You weren’t to know. You got her to the hospital, which was the most important thing.”

There was a silence. Willam turned and looked at the pale, beige paint of the corridor walls. “It’s reached the press, hasn’t it.”

“Obviously.”

She hissed and let the silence linger. “Jesus Christ, Bianca, this is all a fucking hellscape.”

“I know. I know. And I can’t hold it from the front pages, Willam, they’re all fucking animals and they need to be fed. The Guardian have got a testimonial from a trainee nurse that knows all her fucking injuries and has leaked them all,” Bianca sighed. Willam had never heard her sound so hopeless. She was silent again. “You’ve been my first port of call. I’m going to phone the detective looking after Sharon’s case, because I don’t believe for a minute that this was a coincidence. Then I’m coming in to see her.”

“Bianca, don’t…” Willam began. How do you comfort a woman like Bianca? “Don’t worry about the press. There’s still a couple of hours before shit goes to print, we can figure something out.”

“I’m not worried about the press. I’m worried about Sharon.”

Silence.

Bianca’s voice came again. “I’ll see you in a bit. Take care, Willam.”

She was gone.

Willam walked back into Sharon’s room. Alaska and Courtney immediately looked up at her.

“The press have got it,” she said blankly. Courtney shook her head.

“Well, we knew it would only be a matter of time,” Alaska said softly, her face frowning.

“Bianca’s coming in. She’ll probably have police with her,” Willam said, then sighed as realisation dawned on her. “Which means I’ll get questioned. Can’t wait for that.”

Courtney caught her eye. She looked genuinely concerned for Willam and despite everything, Willam’s heart skipped a beat. Courtney rose slowly. “Well, we’ll all need coffee if we’re going to be awake much longer. I’ll get us some.”

“I’ll come with you,” Willam suddenly decided, Courtney’s eyes giving nothing away as she nodded her permission. Alaska simply looked up at them and then back down at Sharon. It was an unspoken fact that she wasn’t going to leave her side anytime soon.

Willam followed Courtney out into the corridor and then into the lift where they were both silent. Willam looked at the floor, then spoke.

“At least she’s alright.”

Courtney nodded. “True. I think we just need her to come to and then we’ll all breathe a sigh of relief.”

There was another silence as they walked into the small Costa. Courtney ordered three espressos with milk from a barista with purple hair and huge winged eyeliner, and they sat at a table and waited. Willam looked at Courtney’s face- the worried frown lines on her forehead, her glassy, tired eyes, her lips which were sore and bitten. She missed her so much.

“So,” Willam began, deciding to break the silence. “How was your date?”

“My date- oh!” Courtney looked confused, then enlightened. She gave a laugh. “Yeah…it was nice. Andrew’s a lovely guy and he’s a good old-fashioned gentleman.”

Willam wanted to laugh. What had she expected, Courtney to fall back into her arms? “Oh. Well, at least that’s-”

“But I think we’re probably going to stay as friends,” Courtney finished, interrupting her. Willam couldn’t help but feel her heart lifting.

“That’s a shame,” Willam frowned. Courtney looked at her for a beat, then spluttered a laugh.

“You don’t give a shit, do you?” she asked softly as she laughed. Willam snorted.

“No, I guess I don’t,” she smiled affectionately. Fuck, she’d missed laughing with her, seeing her eyes crinkle up and the way she’d tip her head back and let her hair cascade down her shoulders. “So what was the problem, then?”

Courtney raised her eyebrows. “He wasn’t really vegan. He just eats quorn sometimes. I took him to a vegan restaurant and he looked so horrified at the lack of meat.”

The both of them laughed quietly. Courtney looked awkward, as if she was about to say something else. Willam felt her heartbeat through her chest. She knew that Courtney was holding back on something and so she was almost afraid to say anything in case she backed off.

“Besides,” Courtney mentioned, her gaze firmly fixed on the floor. “He could tell…that I wasn’t over somebody.”

“Oh,” Willam said. It was as if her body couldn’t keep up with everything. One minute she was worried sick about Sharon, the next she was almost going into cardiac arrest because Courtney had basically dropped a massive hint.

Courtney had raised her gaze and fixed it on Willam. “Somebody being you.”

“Right.”

Courtney laughed. “I thought I’d spell that out for you, because you’re a massive fucking moron.”

Willam coughed out a laugh. “I am.”

Courtney smiled a little, looked at Willam expectantly for a beat, then looked again to the floor. Willam panicked. She couldn’t risk losing Courtney again.

“Well…I’m not over you either,” she said quietly, watching as Courtney’s eyes snapped up to face her. Maybe Courtney had been missing her as much as she’d been missing Courtney.

Courtney gave a little smile. “I know.”

Willam obviously looked taken-aback because Courtney burst out laughing, which made Willam start laughing too. As the laughter died down, all that was left was the pair of them looking into each other’s eyes. Just as Willam was about to speak and just as it looked as if Courtney was about to too, the barista yelled Courtney’s order. Courtney jumped up and grabbed the little cardboard tray of three coffees with one hand, then turned to Willam, smiled and gave a little shrug. Just then, her phone vibrated again.

“Bianca’s upstairs with Sharon and Alaska. There’s someone from Scotland Yard with her,” Willam explained as she looked at her phone. Courtney nodded.

“That’s the fun over then,” she quipped, moving towards the exit. Willam’s silence prompted Courtney to look towards her, her expression concerned. “Willam. It’ll be fine.”

Willam mustered a small smile as she walked towards the lifts. She was so lost in thought and worry that she almost didn’t notice Courtney transfer the tray of drinks to her right hand and silently curl her left hand around Willam’s own.

***

It was six o’clock in the morning, and Willam was exhausted. She’d never been questioned by the police before, and she never wanted to be again. They were sympathetic but relentless, and with each question Willam felt more and more useless. How much had Sharon had to drink? What was the precise time that it had happened? Whereabouts in the road was she standing? How fast was the car going? What was its number plate? What was the make of car? What was the colour? What did the driver look like? What did the driver do after they hit Sharon? Which way did they continue driving? Every question was one that Willam felt she couldn’t properly answer. They asked her some questions about the previous death threats, and who she felt might have been behind them- did Sharon have any enemies, and suchlike. Apart from blaming most of the UK’s far right population, Willam had said she wasn’t sure.

She and Bianca had been taken to a station nearby to the hospital, and she emerged from the small questioning room tired and simply wanting to go to bed, but knowing that she would return to the hospital to stay with Alaska and Courtney. She wasn’t really in the mood to speak much to Bianca, and for once Bianca didn’t seem as if she wanted to chat much to her.

“How were they with you?” Bianca asked, rising from the chair she’d been sitting on in the police waiting room as she saw Willam emerge.

“Fine. Didn’t feel very helpful, though,” Willam said, sighing as she walked with Bianca. “I should have written the number plate down, or looked harder at the car, or tried to get a look at the driver.”

Bianca frowned deeply. “Willam, you can’t blame yourself.”

They walked out of the station and down the small, quiet road which was starting to become bathed with morning sunlight. Willam turned to look at Bianca. In all her time working with her, she’d never seen her look so troubled.

Seeing Willam’s concerned look, Bianca exhaled. “I couldn’t keep it from going to the papers. There’s articles online now, and it’ll be on the front pages. We stuck the TV on in Sharon’s room and it was all over News 24. I’m sorry, Willam, I couldn’t protect her.”

“It’s alright, Bianca,” Willam sighed, stopping as she got to the junction. A big black car was waiting at a stop sign, presumably Bianca’s. The spin doctor looked troubled as she gazed to the car.

“It’s getting dragged into politics already.”

Willam cursed under her breath. This was all they needed, Sharon’s accident getting turned into a points-scoring exercise by different parties. “What are people saying?”

“Some of it’s nice. Most of the party have rallied round without me even having to give them a line. Latrice has given a statement, as has Trinity. Shea has tweeted support, so’s Sasha, Peppermint and Maxine. Ironically Sharon getting run over by a car is the most uniting thing she’s done for the party. If I’d known I would have hired her a hitman ages ago,” Bianca laughed bitterly. Her face turned grave. “It’s Mrs fucking Blind Man’s Crumpet herself.”

“Fucking Phi Phi,” Willam hissed, surprising herself with how much venom was in her voice.

“She’s spoken with ITV and she’s given the whole wobbly top lip expressing condolences thing, but she’s trying to turn it into an attack on immigrants.”

“Fuck, did she stretch before she reached? What the hell does that have to do with anything?” Willam complained, deeply irritated.

Bianca frowned. “Because The Sun, the paper we all love to line our cat litter trays with, is alleging that the hit and run was a terrorist incident carried out by an Asian man.”

Willam tore her hands through her hair. “But that’s bullshit, surely? Nobody knows who did it, the police don’t even know who did it!”

“They have a source,” Bianca said. “Which means that either it’s a bullshit source, their usual currency, or that the suspect has leaked it themself.”

“God, Bianca, this is fucking madness.”

Bianca looked at the pavement awkwardly, then at Willam. “Look, I wasn’t going to mention it to you today given the massive amount of stress you’ve already been put through, but we need something on Phi Phi’s party to distract from this mess. If you have anything…well, we’d all appreciate it. Especially Number 10, if you get me.”

Willam momentarily wished she was lying sleeping on a hospital bed instead of Sharon.

“Okay,” she simply nodded once, her mind too full of words to say anything else. Bianca nodded back in goodbye and walked towards her car. Willam watched her climb in and drive off before beginning her own walk back to the hospital. On the way she saw people walking to work, some of whom gave her funny looks. She wondered if they all knew what had happened, until she realised she was still in her clothes from last night- green fur jacket, black lace crop top, tight black skirt without tights and platform trainers on her feet.

Before long she was back at the hospital and in the lift up to the ICU. As she found Sharon’s room, it was almost as if the past hour or so hadn’t happened as the girls were still in the same position- Sharon unmoving on the bed, Alaska staring at her and holding her hand, and Courtney with her phone in her hand texting furiously. Alaska and Courtney looked up as Willam entered the room.

“Hey,” Courtney said, her eyes slightly wide in anticipation. “How was it?”

“It was okay. They asked me a bunch of things I couldn’t answer and then a couple of things I could. I just felt like a fucking failure, like I was no help at all.”

“Stop it,” Courtney frowned, chastising her. “You’re not a failure at all. I bet you were really helpful. Here, come sit. You must be shattered.”

With that, Courtney rose from her chair and beckoned Willam to sit. Too exhausted to protest, Willam slid into it. She looked at Sharon, then Alaska.

“Anything?”

Alaska sighed deeply. “Nothing. She hasn’t even moved.”

Worry churned in Willam’s stomach. Courtney piped up. “The doctor was in though, and he said that sometimes it can help to talk to them even if they’re not responding.”

“Did you try it?”

Alaska chuckled. “We read her some of Heat magazine.”

“Oh, good, she’d have loved that,” Willam said dryly, causing Courtney to snort. Willam thought for a moment, then turned back to Alaska. “Well, when she wakes up, you’ll be sitting there. She’s not properly seen you for ages. Why don’t you talk to her? Explain your side of everything that’s happened.”

Willam looked to Courtney for approval, who shrugged. “Worth a try, Lask.”

Alaska took a deep breath, laughed a little self-consciously, then turned to Sharon.

“Hey babe,” she began, looking at Willam and Courtney in embarrassment, then back to Sharon. “God, this is just…literal torture seeing you like this. Somehow I just feel like all of this is my fault, maybe if I’d stayed with you then you wouldn’t have gone out with Willam and none of this would have happened. I’m an absolute dick, really, because I’ve been ignoring you and every single attempt you’ve made at trying to contact me and then Willam phoned me and told me about what happened and all I could think about was getting here and being with you. It was the worst fucking moment of my life, Sharon. I kept torturing myself and wondering what if she never wakes up, that the last contact I had with you was over some fucking stupid USB stick that I didn’t even want to give to you in the first place? And I couldn’t even tell you-”

Willam looked up as Alaska sniffed. Tears were running down her face and welling in her eyes, and Alaska used the hand that wasn’t holding Sharon’s to wipe at her nose.

“I couldn’t even tell you want I wanted to tell you- that I wanted to just put everything aside and make up with you, to stop our stupid fucking fight, to tell you that I never wanted to end things with you and that the whole thing was a horrible, stupid mistake,” Alaska sobbed, snuffling and taking a deep breath in. “And I couldn’t even tell you that I loved you- that I love you- and when I got that call I was so fucking terrified of never being able to say it to you again. Do you remember when we first said it to each other, Sharon? It was the night we went out for dinner at that Italian restaurant at like, eleven o’clock after I’d gone with you to Newsnight, and you walked me back home and we watched a film- The Other Woman- and you hated it, and you were making all these jokes about it and I was joining in and we laughed so much that when it died down and we just looked at each other I couldn’t help but say it. And you said it back right after? Why can’t we go back to the way things were? Fuck, I would have kept our relationship secret for a lifetime if it meant we could have just stayed together. In fact fuck, if it means so much Sharon, I won’t pursue the whole MP thing. You’re more important to me than my job, you’re more important to me than life. I love you more than anything or anyone I’ve ever loved in my life so please…”

Alaska took a big gulp of air. “…please, fuck, get better.”

Willam and Courtney stood in a horrible, cold silence as they watched Alaska cry quietly to herself. Suddenly, Willam gave a slight jump as Sharon’s free hand came up to her face and slowly lifted the oxygen mask to one side.

“You are becoming an MP, bitch,” she croaked hoarsely, causing Alaska’s gaze to shoot up to look at her girlfriend. “There’s no way you’re giving up on that just because I’m in a hospital bed.”

Willam choked a laugh as she looked at Alaska, her face at once shocked and relieved. She looked slightly as if she didn’t know what to do for a moment, then elected to burst out crying, bringing Sharon’s hand up to her face to kiss it over and over again. Sharon laughed- tiredly, weakly, but it was a laugh nonetheless.

“Jesus Christ, you took your time there,” Willam smiled, part of her wanting to cry in relief too.

“How long have I been out for?” Sharon asked, coughing as she sat up.

“Since about 1. It’s like, 6.15 now.”

“Shit,” she said, her voice weak.

“How are you feeling?” Courtney asked, visibly relieved too.

“Like someone’s kicked me half to death. Pain meds do shit all, I feel like shit but also incredibly high,” Sharon wheezed, then turned to Alaska. Her face softened and judging by Alaska’s reaction, she had squeezed her hand. “Hey, stranger.”

Alaska laughed through her tears. “Hey.”

Sharon smiled affectionately. “Is this all I had to do to get you back, then? Get run over?”

“Don’t,” Alaska half-laughed, half-cried, then kissed Sharon’s fingers. “Sharon, I’m so sorry. Oh my God, I was so fucking worried.”

“Yeah, I know. I heard it all. I could have said something halfway through, I just wanted you to keep saying more nice things about me,” Sharon joked, still her old self despite the tubes and drips and machines. Her expression grew dark as she turned to Courtney. “Oh, by the way. Never read me fucking any women’s magazine ever again. Hearing about Natalie Cassidy’s fucking colonoscopy was more painful than getting struck down.”

All four of the girls laughed, happy to be together with everyone conscious and cheerful all over again.

“Bianca’s been round. And people have said nice things. Trinity, Peppermint, Latrice, Max, Shea, Sasha,” Willam mentioned, thinking it would cheer Sharon up. Sharon smiled in a lazy, drugged-up-on-pain-meds way.

“God. All that in five hours? Did Bianca leave flowers?”

“No, of course not,” Alaska sighed. Then she laughed. “She stuck News 24 on.”

The girls all laughed again, this time quieter. Courtney took a deep breath and stretched. Sharon narrowed her swollen eyes at her.

“Are we boring you, Act?”

Courtney gave a smile. “Listen, I’ve been up a long time. It’s hard to squeeze a date, a trauma and a relief into one night. Slash…morning.”

“Oh yeah, how did that go?” Alaska asked pleasantly. She’d still not let go of Sharon’s hand, Willam noted with a smile.

“It was nice. We’re going to stay friends, though.”

Sharon looked at Willam meaningfully. Willam gave her a look that simply said, behave.

“Fair enough. I think me and Alaska are going to stay friends too,” Sharon smiled lazily, laughing as Alaska’s face grew bashful.

“Stop it. I’ve suffered enough,” she leaned her head over to nuzzle it into the crook of Sharon’s neck, one of the few parts of her that didn’t have wires or tubes coming in or out of it.

“I know, baby, I’m sorry.”

Alaska frowned and lifted her head off of Sharon’s shoulder momentarily. “This isn’t the broken collarbone, is it?”

Sharon laughed. “I broke a collarbone? Oh, well, fucked if I know. Everything hurts.”

Willam laughed. She stretched and yawned. Life and normal routine seemed so far away. “I think I should go home and sleep, now that I know you’re alright.”

“Me too,” Courtney said, giving a yawn that Willam could tell was fake. Why was that?

“You guys go ahead. I’m going to stay here for a while,” Alaska smiled at Sharon, the other woman returning her smile and shrugging.

“You can go home if you want, babe. I might have another snooze.”

“Well, I’ll snooze with you,” Alaska said matter-of-factly, shuffling her chair forward and resting her head on Sharon’s side. Sharon smiled and used her other hand to stroke Alaska’s hair.

Willam looked at Courtney, taking her cue to leave. She cast her gaze back to the couple. “I’ll be back when I’ve had a sleep and something to eat. Bianca might be back, just to warn you.” She wondered if she should mention the shit with Phi Phi. She decided not to.

“Oh, goody,” Sharon sighed, re-adjusting her oxygen mask so that it was over her face as a goodbye. Alaska waved sleepily to her friends and then Willam left the room, followed by Courtney. They walked down the corridor silently for a minute, neither one of them sure of what to say. Courtney’s words from earlier swirled around in Willam’s mind, and the fact that the two of them were alone together again, with so much possibility and opportunity of things that could be said, made Willam’s skin prickle in excitement and optimism.

As if she could read Willam’s mind, Courtney gave a small sigh as they both walked into the open air. She turned to face Willam and looked her in the eyes. “I know it sounds stupid, but I could really murder a glass of wine.”

“Same.”

Courtney was still looking at her. “Well, I’ve got wine at my place, if you want to come.”

Willam didn’t hesitate. “Okay. Sounds good.”

They talked about trivial things on the walk to the tube, and on the tube itself. The elephant in the room (or train carriage) was enormous and almost suffocating, and the sound of the train against the electric charges almost mirrored the electricity that seemed to run through Willam’s veins - Courtney isn’t over me, and I’m not over her.

It was almost seven o’clock in the morning by the time they got to Courtney’s flat, but the sheer adrenaline that was pumping through her heart was keeping Willam awake. As Courtney opened her front door for Willam and slipped off her shoes, Willam looked around at the small hallway. It had been around four months since she’d last been here, but nothing had changed. It was somehow reassuring to Willam. She followed Courtney into the kitchen where the other girl had pulled out two bottles of wine- an unopened red with a somewhat dusty bottle, and a half-full white with that fresh-from-the-fridge wet glaze.

“I like either, so it’s your pick,” Courtney smiled easily, making Willam wonder whether or not she was feeling the same mix of apprehension and excitement.

“Well, white’s going to make us feel less guilty about the fact we’re drinking wine when we’re normally getting ready for work,” Willam shrugged, Courtney snorting a laugh and fetching two glasses from a cupboard below her breakfast bar. She picked up the glasses in one hand and the bottle in the other and made her way through to the living room, Willam following behind her. As they slumped down on the sofas and Courtney poured the wine out, Willam sighed.

“I’m so fucking relieved she’s okay.”

Courtney looked at her, an expression on her face that Willam couldn’t make out. “I just can’t believe it all actually happened. It’s like a horrendous nightmare,” she lifted up her glass. “To Sharon being alive.”

Willam smiled lazily and echoed the sentiment. “To Sharon being alive.”

There was silence for a moment as they both took a sip, Willam watching the early morning sun bathe the skyline out of Courtney’s French doors.

“Do you think…it was deliberate?” Courtney spoke quietly, Willam looking at her only to find Courtney was looking at the view as well.

“Fuck, I don’t know. The police think so. Could be, or it could be a jittery driver with a guilty conscience who didn’t want to stop.”

Courtney nodded, then narrowed her eyes. “Didn’t the doctor say she was lucky to be alive? Ten miles an hour more and she wouldn’t have made it. If it was a main road and the car wasn’t going that fast, it kind of sounds like someone was parked waiting for her. Do you not think?”

Willam rolled her eyes. “Or it was just someone that wasn’t driving very fast.”

“On a main road like that at 1am? Willam, come on.”

Willam couldn’t help but laugh. “What is this, CSI: Sydney?”

Courtney walloped Willam on the arm, then laughed with her. She sighed. “I’ve just been sitting waiting with Alaska for so long that I’ve had all of these thoughts running around my head, but of course I couldn’t share them with her. I’m glad you came back with me.”

Willam’s heart gave a jump. She wanted to say something in response, something flirty that didn’t come on too strong, but her mind couldn’t conjure anything up.

Courtney spoke again, and Willam noticed she had that same look on her face as before. “So how come you were,” she paused the tiniest amount. “…out with Sharon anyway?”

“She suggested it. Probably thought it’d cheer us both up,” Willam shrugged, taking another sip. She noticed Courtney still hadn’t taken that look off her face. What did she want from her?

Honesty?

“Court, you should probably know. And I probably should’ve told you sooner. Me and Sharon had this whole thing when we were at uni,” Willam felt herself just coming out with it and it was like jumping out of a moving vehicle. Courtney’s expression finally relaxed.

“Okay.”

Willam picked at a stray thread on a sofa cushion. “You don’t seem surprised.”

“Because I’m not,” Courtney said plainly, taking a small sip. She paused, then added, “You always had this weird tension between you when you started. Like you really weren’t keen on her and I couldn’t see why. She always seemed as if she was walking on eggshells slightly around you. It only really seemed to go away…gosh, I don’t know when. But I always wondered why you were like that with her.”

Willam looked out at the view again. “I tried to reset my own view of the whole situation. I told anyone who asked that I knew her from uni, and that wasn’t a lie, but just not the full truth either.”

There was a small silence. Courtney leant over to top up their glasses. As she was pouring, she spoke again. Willam noticed how level and nonchalant her voice was, as if she was making a particular effort not to sound too interested. “So what was it that went on between you?”

Willam exhaled. Even after she’d talked through it all with Sharon, she still didn’t know what they’d been. “A miscommunication. She thought we were just friends that fucked, which we were. I saw it as more than that. I was a young, naive little bitch and I just got too deep in my feelings. It’s fucked, though, because the whole thing just made me so scared of relationships. Like what if it ever happened again to me and I was into it but the other person wasn’t?”

Courtney nodded understandingly. Her eyes were soft. It was scary to Willam to be telling Courtney all of this, but she didn’t seem to be scared off by it.

“Wonder how that feels, to be really, really into someone only to find out that they weren’t on your wavelength about it at all.”

“It was-” Willam started, then stopped as realisation dawned on her. She looked at Courtney, who was trying to conceal a smile. Willam laughed apologetically. “Fuck.”

Courtney gave a soft laugh, reaching out and taking Willam’s free hand. She held it gently. The gesture almost broke Willam’s heart. All at once it hit her just how badly she’d fucked up with Courtney. Only now was she realising that she had put Courtney in the exact same position that she had been in with Sharon all those years ago. Looking at Courtney’s hand, she squeezed it tightly. “Courtney, I’m sorry. I mean it.”

Courtney gave a peaceful smile. “I know you are.”

Willam smiled back. A small weight on her heart noted that she’d not been forgiven, only acknowledged, but after the past fortnight or so, acknowledgement was better than nothing.

“What was Bianca saying anyway?” Courtney continued, sipping her wine again. Willam sighed deeply.

“Well, you know that Phi Phi’s trying to politicise everything already. Bianca wants something on her party to take the heat off Sharon.”

Courtney grimaced and shook her head. She still hadn’t let go of Willam’s hand. “Jesus Christ, it’s all so messy and gross and tasteless.”

“I know, Court, but it’s our career. It was bound to happen. Politician gets hit by car, it turns political. Politician does anything, it turns political,” Willam shrugged, taking a drink. The sun was higher in the sky now and it was illuminating Courtney’s hair so beautifully.

“What are we supposed to get for her? This situation’s already stressful enough as it is.”

Willam felt herself tense up. She allowed herself to confront what she’d been pushing to the back of her mind all this time. She still had those photos on her phone of Roxxxy and Detox from all those months ago at Alyssa’s ball, and Phi Phi had recently voted against an LGBT-inclusive curriculum in secondary schools. How would the media react if she’d unknowingly voted against a policy which showed disapproval towards her own two advisors?

“I have something,” Willam stated simply, causing Courtney to sigh in relaxation.

“Thank Christ. Just give it to Bianca now and she can get out of our hair and let Sharon recover. What is it, anyway? Oil dumping in the Pacific? Foxhunting?” she laughed gently, stopping as she saw Willam’s grave face.

“Roxxxy and Detox,” she said. Courtney’s face dropped, her wine glass tipping over a little and threatening to spill. “I got photos of them at Alyssa’s ball, together. It would make Phi Phi look like a massive idiot and would take her down more than a few pegs…” Willam let all the air out of her body and looked into her glass. “…but it also outs both of her advisors.”

Courtney looked sick. “Oh God. Willam, you can’t do that.”

“I know,” she shook her head and wondered if she could voice the other horrible thought in her head. Communication could be good right now, she supposed. “Although part of me thinks why not? Fuck them, you know? They were both absolute cunts to Alaska, they work for a fucking sycophant. And I just…ugh…I really want that Number 10 job, and Bianca heavily implied that any info on this could get me it.”

She looked hesitantly for Courtney’s reaction. It turned out there were a lot of them. First, she wrinkled her nose and scrunched up her face in a brief display of disgust. Then, her expression completely dropped as if she was considering something. Finally she put her glass down, reached out to take Willam’s hand in her own, and gazed at her kindly.

“Willam,” she began. “Why do you want this job so much?”

Willam gave a choked laugh. “I mean it’s…it’s my fucking dream, Courtney. It’s all I’ve ever wanted out of life, to get to Number 10, to actually say I work there. I’ll have finally made it…and not many people can say that.”

“Okay,” Courtney nodded. Willam could tell she was listening intently. “So…you get the job at Number 10, let’s say. And what then?”

Willam blinked. “What do you mean?”

“What then? What do you aim for, what do you aspire to be after that? If that’s your life’s dream and it’s already achieved? Bill, you’re not even 30 yet,” Courtney smiled gently, tucking a piece of Willam’s layers behind her ear. “If you complete your life’s goal and you’re not even at the halfway point…what happens then?”

Willam felt completely blank. “Well, I…”

Courtney continued. “I know you don’t want to be PM, because you’re happy in the background. I know you don’t have any designs on leadership for the same reason. So what else is there?”

Willam paused and thought, trying to summon up something. “Bianca’s going to have to retire at some point.”

Courtney barked a laugh. “And what, you take her job? You take the job that consumed Bianca’s life so much she ended up getting divorced and she now lives on her own with no family? You want that life?”

Willam felt as if she’d heard Courtney’s voice catch in her throat. She was looking at her almost pleadingly, hopefully, desperate for what she deigned the right answer. Her intensity unsettled Willam. Or perhaps it was the truth in all that Courtney was saying? She’d never once reconsidered her determination to get to Number 10, never once wavered in her decision-making, because if she changed her mind about the job she’d wanted for so long, what was left?

“What do you have at Dosac? You’ve got me, you’ve got Sharon, you’ve got Alaska and the other girls. You’ve got a considerable amount of influence, you’re a big fish in a small pond. Other departments know your name, you’ve got so many opportunities. And if you change now…all that will be gone.”

Willam looked out of the windows again. The sun was now directly at her eye level. She turned back to Courtney and frowned at her. “Why are you saying all this, Court?”

Courtney looked away as if Willam’s gaze had burnt her. “I’m not trying to stop you from going after what you want, Willam. That would make me a horrific friend and an even worse person. I’m just trying to get you to be sure that it really is what you want.”

Willam’s voice caught in her throat. She looked away from Courtney, drained her glass, then placed it gently on the coffee table in front of them both.

“I should probably go home-” Willam began, making to slide off the couch, but Courtney gripped tighter to her hand. Turning, Willam saw a need in Courtney’s eyes that she’d never once experienced before.

“Stay,” she said simply. It was so quiet but so strong, and the blood in Willam’s veins was freezing and icy but pumping so rapidly like an ice cold waterfall, and she could feel her heart plummeting with it.

“Why?” Willam asked, and as soon as it left her mouth she cursed herself for it, but a part of her wanted to hear Courtney say what was on her mind. Frowning and sighing a tiny, needy sigh, Courtney gently tugged at Willam’s hand.

“I just need to be…close to you just now. Because I’ve fucking missed you.”

Willam looked at her hand in Courtney’s, then met her eyes.

Now or never.

And in one fluid movement Willam was back on the sofa, both her hands fisted and tangled in Courtney’s blonde hair, melting and moaning into a kiss full of fire that Willam wanted never to end.

***

Willam woke up in the same bed she’d woken up in in December, with the same girl she’d woken up with in December. Except the circumstances weren’t quite the same. Instead of grey skies and pouring rain, the sun that poked through the blinds was golden and warm, lighting up the room. Courtney was still in the bed, her eyes shut with her dark lashes fanned out and framing them as she slept. Probably the biggest difference, though, was that both of them were completely naked.

Sex with Courtney was every bit as amazing as Willam had imagined it would be, and she was already sorry that she couldn’t remember every single second of the entire thing in detail. She could swear that nobody else, not even Sharon, could make her feel the way Courtney had made her feel last night. She had expected it to be good and for Courtney to know what she was doing, but what she didn’t expect was for Courtney to have a mouth like a phone sex chat line girl and she had actually almost laughed in awe of the stuff she was coming out with. She didn’t know if it was the intensity of the situation that fed into it- there were so many emotions that Willam had been put through last night (or this morning, she supposed) that she had almost cried once everything was over and Courtney was holding her in her arms, but she hadn’t. She’d been calm, and happy, like her life was finally at peace. Sharon was going to be alright, and Courtney had…what? Courtney had forgiven her? Courtney liked her again? Courtney wanted to be more than her friend? She didn’t know, but she got the feeling that whatever it was was positive.

Willam wondered whether or not to wake her up but Courtney quickly solved that problem as her arm reached out to grab Willam by the waist and pull her closer, Courtney nuzzling into her side sleepily.

“Hey,” she murmured through a yawn, kissing Willam’s skin and making her feel as if she was 19 years old with a melting, gooey heart all over again.

“G’morning,” Willam smiled, rubbing her eyes then remembering she hadn’t taken off any of her makeup from the night before. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Mm. Always sleep like a baby after sex, I think it’s some weird nympho-narcoleptic thing I need to see a doctor about.”

Willam’s heart hammered in her chest and instantly woke her up more. ��So we’re just coming out and addressing that that happened immediately?”

Courtney hurriedly sat up in bed and looked her in the eye, exasperation on her face. She’d foregone pulling the duvet up to cover herself and her boobs were fully out. “Uh, we’re both stark bollock naked, dipshit. How much more addressing of the situation could there be?”

“Yeah I know, fuckhead!” Willam snapped, a laugh bubbling in her throat. “I just don’t…I don’t know what this means now? Like what are we?”

Courtney half-laughed, half-sighed then pulled a pillow over her face and yelled into it. “Fuck! I don’t know, Willam, okay?”

Willam was smiling, but she simultaneously felt as if she was hanging by a thread. She watched as Courtney pulled the pillow off her face then rolled over and pulled her close.

“Cards on the table, I really fucking like you. I’ve never stopped liking you. I care about you, and I want to see you do well, and I like us when we’re together. We just work, we fit. We squabble at times, but it’s never malicious. But this job…it’s a bitch, and I don’t want us ending up having to hide away or have our lives ruined by it like Sharon and Alaska. So I don’t…” Courtney sighed. Willam could see her pulse thudding rapidly under her skin by her wrist. “I don’t want to label us just now. I’m scared to. But can we just…can we at least be exclusive? Because I don’t want to share you with anyone else.”

Willam smiled and rolled her eyes. “As if I’d fucking want anyone else.”

Courtney nuzzled her head into Willam’s side, and Willam cast her eyes to the sun coming in through the blinds. She blinked quickly three times. “No, that sounds good. Exclusive but with no labels. I can do that. Does this mean I’m forgiven?”

“For what?” Courtney kissed Willam’s temple.

“For being a cunt to you.”

“You were a cunt to me?” Courtney pulled away, frowning. “Now that doesn’t sound like Willam Belli at all.”

Willam took that as a yes.

“No more games,” Courtney said quietly, gently stroking the palm of Willam’s hand with her finger.

“No more games,” Willam agreed.

It was 2 o’clock by the time they got back to the hospital to see Sharon, after they’d showered, dressed (Willam borrowing Courtney’s clothes again), had some breakfast and got the two tubes over. It was an unspoken plan- they hadn’t talked about whether they should stay at the flat, or go visit Sharon, or even go into work. There was only one place they really needed to be today. They’d talked and chatted and laughed just as they used to, but without any awkward tension and with extra added hand holding and light knuckle and cheek kisses. They’d wondered out loud whether it had been in poor taste to fuck within the 24 hours that they’d found out Sharon had been hit by a car, before deciding that it was probably what Sharon would have wanted and endorsed anyway.

When they arrived at Sharon’s ward, it was as if nothing had changed at all- Alaska seemingly hadn’t moved from her seat and was still sitting in it facing Sharon in her Winnie the Pooh pyjamas, while the other woman was still in bed but was propped up with pillows and had her oxygen mask on. She had a loving, dreamy look on her face and seemed to be listening to Alaska talk when Courtney and Willam arrived. Alaska turned around excitedly when they came in.

“Morning,” Willam smiled, moving to hug Alaska tightly and then Sharon markedly less so, in case Willam accidentally pulled a wire out. “Or afternoon, or whatever the fuck time it is.”

“Hey,” Sharon took her mask off and smiled gently.

“How are you feeling, Sharon?” Courtney asked as she took her turn to hug her.

“I’m holding up okay. I had a big sleep when you two left, woke up at like 9. Then me and Alaska had a massive chat which took about an hour and exhausted me, so I had a nap again. Woke up about an hour ago and Alaska had stuck on the news. It’s weird seeing myself on the news in a capacity which isn’t politics. I’m not in the mood for a lot of talking so Alaska’s just been telling me about her leadership campaign,” Sharon gestured to Alaska’s happy, excited face and smiled fondly. “Christ, she looks like she’s about to explode. I fucking love this girl so much.”

Willam made a vomiting sound as she pulled up a chair beside Alaska. “Gross. So your big chat. Did you both grow up and say sorry to each other?”

Willam saw Alaska squeeze Sharon’s hand. “Of course we fucking did. That was the first thing we said. Then we basically just cried and talked about how much we loved each other for the next 59 minutes.”

Courtney laughed, and Alaska gave a small giggle then shook her head as she looked at Sharon. “No, joking. Well, we did do that. But we also spoke about career stuff- what we wanted in the next five years, what we need to do to get there.”

“It’s doable for what we both want. We just need to support each other, make it two sided and communicate. I know that now,” Sharon piped up, smiling at Alaska as if it was for her benefit and not Courtney and Willam’s.

“Well, I’m glad you two have made up,” Courtney smiled softly, moving to perch on Willam’s knee in the absence of a chair. Willam pulled her close. She didn’t miss the look that passed between Alaska and Sharon.

“Um, on the topic of making up…” Alaska raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at them both. “…what is this?”

“Courtney sitting on my lap?” Willam said sarcastically, resting her head on Courtney’s back.

“Yes…” Sharon said, waving a tubed-up hand to prompt more. “So…?”

“So…what?” Courtney asked, just as deadpan as Willam had been, and she loved her for it.

“Oh fuck, put a dying woman out of her misery!” Sharon coughed out in exasperation, earning her a furious look and a gentle smack from Alaska.

“DON’T joke about that!” she glared at her for all of two seconds, before she took her hand and turned back to Courtney and Willam. “But seriously guys, Sharon’s only got one properly working lung, can you just give us the information that we both already know but want to scream like babies at when it comes from you?”

Courtney turned and looked at Willam, suddenly embarrassed. Willam gave her a squeeze and spoke for her. “Well, we’re going to disappoint you, because we’re not girlfriends. We can’t all fall in love with our work friends and go balls-deep into a relationship. But no, we’re just…”

“We like each other, and we’re exclusive, and we’re going to take it a day at a time,” Courtney finished, Alaska giving a small, excited squeal. Sharon smiled and rolled her eyes.

“Bo-ring! I want to know if you’ve banged yet.”

“Yeah, we did,” Courtney shrugged, Willam completely shocked at her blasé display of honesty but also too tired to care much. Sharon let out a loud cheer, then immediately started coughing violently in a sobering display that reminded the girls why they were all together in the first place. Seeing Alaska’s concerned face, Sharon frowned.

“I’m fine, it’s okay,” she wheezed, waving a dismissive hand. “Don’t worry. Just coughing up pieces of old lung, they say the new one should grow back within 3-5 working days.”

Alaska snorted. Willam laughed and shook her head. “You’re so fucking unfunny it hurts.”

Sharon shrugged. “Blame the pain meds, I’ve been popping them like Smints.”

They chatted quietly after that, the four of them just enjoying each other’s’ company without having to talk about work or politics or anything like that. Often Alaska would talk for Sharon, the other woman wearing her oxygen mask and resting. Alaska had phoned Jinkx and texted the comms girls to fill them in on what had happened, after they all basically woke up, saw the headlines and immediately fired off about fifty texts to Alaska, Courtney and Willam (none of which Willam saw, her phone having long since died.). Sharon was annoyed that Jinkx wouldn’t honour her request to bring in her work laptop so she could work from her hospital bed, a request which all three advisors were glad she’d shut down. They were all going to pop in at some point in the evening to visit, Adore and Katya promising to bring what they’d termed as “huge, inconvenient, inflatable balloons”. Willam had told Sharon about the Phi Phi incident, Sharon rolling her eyes almost to the back of her head but refusing to allow herself to get worked up over it.

“That’s a point, actually,” she said, sitting up in bed and wincing slightly at some unseen pain. “Didn’t you say Bianca would be visiting me soon? She’s not been in.”

“Well, she still has to oversee all the other departments. Maybe something’s happened with them?” Courtney offered, Sharon shrugging and conceding.

Around ten minutes later, they had their answer. Bianca came in to Sharon’s room dressed in her usual work attire, ironically all in black. Her face was serious but she had a small, kind smile, and was holding a box of Guiylan pralines.

“Christ, Bianca, I’ve not died,” Sharon laughed by way of a greeting, as Bianca cracked a rare, genuine smile and handed her the chocolates.

“Shut it. Some of us still have to go to work. How are you?”

“Sore.”

“That’s crap, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I didn’t swing by earlier. I’ve been at Number 10, I’ve been with the police, I’ve been into Dosac. This might be a bit of good news for you,” she said, addressing the room this time. “The police have apprehended a guy. Old woman who lives in the area had CCTV outside her flat. She came forward with footage of a car going well beyond the speed limit. Matches the time that the whole thing happened. They were able to get a number plate from it and traced it back to the fucker.”

Willam was in shock. She had no idea it would all happen so quickly. Looking at Bianca closely, she could see how puffy her eyes were and how her dark circles had been concealed with foundation, and how much her hands were shaking. It hit her how hard Bianca must have been working to help the police catch whoever had done this to Sharon.

“Thank you, Bianca,” she said, her voice coming out way more emotional than she’d meant it to. Bianca turned to her in surprise, as if she was taken aback slightly.

“Well, I mean, don’t thank me. The police did all the work. They’ll be in to question you, Sharon, but once you’re feeling a bit better. Maybe this evening, or tomorrow.”

“Oh, great. Reliving the moment a car hit me in all its horrifying detail, with the greatest hits of poison pen letters as a follow-up. All my fucky stars have come at once,” Sharon said. Her breathing was becoming laboured, so she put her oxygen mask back on.

“Just keep the damn thing on, you’ve had it off and on like a fucking lightswitch the entire time you’ve been awake,” Alaska chastised her, tucking the hospital blanket in around Sharon. “I’ll maybe see if there’s some way Jinkx can bring in your duvet.”

“You could always go get it for her,” Courtney suggested, Alaska laughing at the ridiculous suggestion.

“Yeah, good one Court, like I’m going to leave her side until she’s discharged.”

Bianca watched the whole exchange carefully, then opened her mouth. “So I take it…that you’re back together.”

Alaska looked at Sharon and nodded.

“You understand that I’m absolutely livid at the pair of you for ever beginning this in the first place and that if it had even got into the media you would have been out of a job?” Bianca said, pointing to Alaska. Alaska blinked and gave a small shrug.

“She would have been worth it,” she said, Willam noticing how Sharon squeezed Alaska’s hand. Bianca fake-gagged.

“Yes, well, in any case, I’m hearing you’ve got plans to stand in the by-election? Is that still happening?” Bianca asked. “Because if it is, then it would make my life a lot easier. There’s not nearly as many implications. In fact you could probably put you two into the public eye. Might be good for the party.”

Sharon wheezed a laugh and Alaska suppressed a smile. “God. Our relationship is literally politically correct. But yeah, I am standing. It’d be good to get some tips from you about that, actually.”

Bianca checked her phone as she spoke. “You don’t need tips. I’ll get you the support you need. Might as well start considering yourself an MP.”

Alaska smiled happily, bringing Sharon’s hand up to her face and kissing it in excitement.

“Although that does mean a position opening up at Dosac. Got anyone in mind, Sharon?”

Sharon sighed exasperatedly, ripping off her mask and gesturing to all her tubes and wires. “Funnily enough, no, I’ve been too busy being a human fucking colander!”

Willam smiled at Sharon knowingly. “I’ve got someone in mind. She’s young, and a bit fucking useless at the moment, but we could train her up. She’s got potential.”

“Well, that seems sorted,” Bianca shrugged. “Right, I’m going to have to make tracks. Flying visit. One of Trinity Taylor’s one night stands has gone to Closer magazine and we can’t risk that getting into the press. But take care, okay?”

Sharon waved a hand. “Thank you, Bianca.”

“No problem. See you later. Willam, can I borrow you for a second?”

Willam’s heart sank as she followed Bianca out of the room. She knew that Bianca was going to ask her if she had anything on Phi Phi. She knew that the photos were still in her phone, burning a hole in her pocket. She knew that Courtney didn’t want her to take the job at Number 10. She knew that her and Courtney weren’t at all official yet.

What she didn’t know was what she was going to do.

They stood at the side of the corridor beside the glass outside Sharon’s room, doctors and nurses hurrying past and completely oblivious to Willam about to make one of the biggest decisions of her life.

“So,” Bianca opened. “If you’ve got anything for me, now is the time to say, because the right-wing media are starting to lap up Phi Phi’s bullshit pretty fucking quickly. It would take a lot of the heat off Sharon if we could just…bury her.”

Willam felt pained. She had completely forgotten about the implications this would have for Sharon.

“So anything at all would be a saving grace,” Bianca finished, looking Willam in the eye and almost triggering a fight or flight response in her.

What would Courtney want her to do? What would Bianca want her to do?

What would Sharon want her to do?

“Um,” Willam swallowed. Her throat was completely dry. “You know, it’s been a rough 24 hours…I haven’t really managed to find anything.” Bianca looked visibly disappointed. “Sorry, Bianca.”

The other woman nodded understandingly. “That’s okay. It has been a rough time. Thank you for looking after her, Willam.”

Willam gave a small smile and without knowing what possessed her, she was speaking again. “Also, Bianca…take me out of the running for the Number 10 job.”

This was the first time Willam had ever seen Bianca look legitimately shocked in her life. Bianca always knew what was going on, she was always so plugged in and in the loop, there was so rarely anything that she didn’t know. So this information was clearly a bombshell. “I mean. I can, but I would also be asking why in the fuck would you want me to do that?”

Willam sighed. “I’m still young. There’ll be other chances to work there and besides, there’s other stuff I want to focus on right now. There’s more to life than politics, I guess.”

Bianca gave a harsh laugh. “Life is politics, Willam.”

“Your life, maybe.”

“Yeah, well,” Bianca exhaled. She had a faraway look in her eyes. “I suppose you’re right about that.”

Willam suddenly heard Courtney laugh through the glass and she involuntarily smiled. She looked back at Bianca, who was looking through the glass.

“Is this because of her?”

Willam looked back at the glass, then cocked her head. “Sort of. It’s for me first, and her second. People spend so much of their lives wishing for better, focusing so much on the future or on the past. Like…what’s wrong with what we have now? You know? Appreciate what you’ve got. Change is good. Except if it’s not. I don’t know, fuck, I’m so tired.”

Bianca nodded slowly, a tiny frown still present on her face. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

“Honestly, no,” Willam laughed. “But I’m sure I want things to stay as they are, for now. There’s going to be so much change in Dosac. It would be nice for me to stay a constant.”

Bianca gave a small sigh. “Well, I won’t say I’m not disappointed. But good for you, Willam.”

Willam shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “I’ll see you, Bianca.”

“See you, Willam.”

As Bianca walked away, Willam thought it was the first time she’d ever seen her look genuinely gutted. It made her feel slightly proud of herself, though she had no idea why. Watching her until she was out of sight, Willam turned back and went back into Sharon’s room.

“Back,” she said. Sharon looked up at her, puzzled.

“What was that all about?” she frowned.

“Wanted to know if I had anything we could use on Phi Phi.”

“And did you?”

Willam looked at Courtney, who seemed frozen. She paused. “No. No, of course I didn’t. Been too busy making sure your dumb fucking roadkill ass is okay, haven’t I?”

As Sharon and Alaska laughed, Willam watched as Courtney’s face lit up. She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Willam in a hug. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to.

“Willam, I’ve been meaning to say. Thank you. For phoning the ambulance,” Sharon said, suddenly serious. Her voice was quiet and her face grave.

Willam reached out and touched her leg lightly. “That’s what best friends do.”

Sharon smiled in gratitude, then gave a yawn. “Sorry to be boring, but I think I need to sleep again.”

“Well, we’ll leave,” Courtney smiled, her voice gentle. “I kind of want to go for a walk round the park. It’s such a nice day. You fancy joining us, Lask?”

Willam barely had time to bask in the use of “us” before Alaska rolled her eyes.

“What part of I’m-not-leaving-Sharon’s-side do you not understand? Go,” she smirked, looking at Willam and Courtney hand in hand. “Be cute and gross.”

Willam smiled at Courtney sheepishly, and Courtney smiled back. She turned back to the other couple in the room. “We’ll be back around dinnertime. Want us to bring you anything?”

“Ugh, a Wasabi please. Lunch was mush, with mashed mush, on a bed of mush. It’s enough to turn me vegetarian,” Sharon shook her head before laying down on her pillow and closing her eyes. “Thanks for coming in. See you later, guys.”

“See you both,” Courtney smied, waving at Alaska as she opened the door and Willam following behind her. Once they were out the room, they had taken a few steps down the corridor before Courtney spoke again. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Willam said as she pressed the button for the lift. She wondered if she should say any more, but thanks was enough, and she decided to leave it. “So. Park then home, then back to see Sharon?”

“Home,” Courtney gave a little smile as she looked at Willam. “Home sounds nice.”

And as the lift doors closed leaving them both sealed up together going down towards the bright Spring day outside, Willam had to agree.

***

Willam woke up in the same bed she’d woken up in in December, and in April, with the same girl she’d woken up with in December and April. Except the circumstances weren’t quite the same. Firstly, Courtney was out of bed before her, and Willam could hear her battering and clanging around in their kitchen together (their kitchen, Willam thought fondly to herself, it would never get old to say their like that). Second, Willam didn’t have any inner turmoil or panicked thoughts or insecurities running around her mind. She was peaceful and calm, and life was good. Sure, Sharon had a fucker of a TV debate coming up the next day, and Willam was afraid that her ribs might re-break at the sheer force with which she was going to shout at Phi Phi O’Hara, but apart from that everything was all just fine. She hadn’t felt this calm in forever. In fact, no, that was a lie. She’d woken up feeling this calm every single day for the past two months since the day she and Courtney walked out of that lift together. Sure, there were one or two blips- the day she’d asked Courtney to be her girlfriend she had woken up completely convinced she was having a heart attack- but that aside, she’d never felt this content.

“Bill!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Put it on!”

Willam sat up, groaned, and rubbed her eyes sleepily. “What channel?”

A frustrated sigh. “It’s Sunday fucking Politics, you know what channel!!”

Laughing, Willam fumbled for the remote on her bedside table, in danger of knocking over many half-empty cups of coffee, and switched the TV on. She hadn’t needed to find the channel as the TV immediately showed her what they were both looking for- Alaska Thunder, MP for West Central London, the first MP to take the seat from Phi Phi O’Hara’s party in 12 years, in her biggest TV interview so far.

“Court, it’s started!” Willam shouted through, hearing a thunder of footsteps in response. Soon enough her girlfriend, her beautiful, tiny, blonde koala girlfriend, emerged from the hallway in her huge flannel Snoopy pyjamas holding two cups of coffee.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” she was saying, reaching over and almost spilling half the coffee on the bright white bedsheets as she half-handed, half-threw it to Willam. “I said to you it bloody started at 5 past 10, and you took the piss out of me!”

“No I fucking didn’t!” Willam cried incredulously, laughing.

“Yes you so did! Meh Courtney, why would a programme start at five past ten that’s such an awkward time, meh meh meh why do you think it’s going to start then, is it because of the time delay? Is it because you’re Australian? Mehhh,” Courtney imitated Willam. Willam went to retort but was immediately shushed by her girlfriend.

“Shut up! I don’t want to miss any more.”

Raja Gemini was asking Alaska a question, and she had her don’t-fuck-with-me face on. “Alaska Thunder, what I’d most like to know is- why were you so strongly in favour of the incarceration of young offenders until last week, when your fiancé Sharon Needles came out in support of rehabilitation? Is this what we can expect from you as an MP, to simply agree with everything your fiancé says?”

“That bitch.”

“Shut up!”

Alaska’s face was calm and amused. “No not at all, Raja, see my change of heart was based on a consultation I had with the Minister for Justice Sasha Coulee-Velour, where she actually presented me with lots of facts and figures as to why rehabilitation produces better results and contributes to a reduction of repeat offenders in society. I then conducted a focus group who pretty much agreed with the Minister, so I have decided to back what is clearly the more well-researched opinion.”

“But isn’t it true that Sharon Needles has held no such focus groups and has point-blank refused to listen to any opposing opinion on the other side? How must that translate to the public?”

Alaska smirked and narrowed her eyes. “I don’t know, Raja. If you wanted to ask that question you should have invited her onto your show. You asked for me, you’ve got me, and now you’re asking me about my fiancé? Is this Hello magazine or Sunday Politics?”

Courtney threw her hands up in the air and cheered. “Finish her, Lask!”

Just then, Willam’s phone buzzed. It was a message from Sharon. Willam knew she had taken the morning off to go into the studio and watch Alaska do the interview and was probably hiding behind the cameramen as Alaska and Raja spoke.

S: i say, that’s my baby and i’m really proud

Willam snorted, holding her phone up to show Courtney who laughed in response.

“Fucking hell, who keeps introducing her to memes?” she sighed, pouting as she looked to the TV and saw the interview was coming to a close. “Oh fuck, we missed pretty much the whole thing!”

Willam pulled her into a hug. “Doesn’t matter. We saw the best bit. There’ll be more interviews where that came from. I think Alaska’s making quite the splash.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” Courtney smiled, sipping her coffee then sliding off the bed. “What’s our plan for today? We’re meeting Katya and Trixie for lunch, then Adore’s joining for drinks. She said she might bring her girlfriend along!”

“Oh, Aja?” Willam asked, scrolling her phone lazily. “That’s good, she seems nice.”

“Well, I’m going to shower if you need in before me?” Courtney offered, unhooking her towel from the back of their bedroom door.

“Nah, no need. I always just piss in your charcoal water. You’d never taste the difference,” Willam deadpanned, smiling as she watched Courtney laugh and throw a makeup sponge at her from the door.

Courtney was so beautiful, even in her old pyjamas and with her hair hanging messily over her shoulders. Her smile did something to Willam, something she’d never felt before and never wanted to stop feeling ever again. What was the something? Suddenly, it was as if Willam had been struck by a lightning bolt. She knew, but she couldn’t possibly tell her. Not today and not now. It was far too soon, surely?

Then a little voice in her head whispered to her. No more games.

Willam’s voice stopped her just as she was about to leave the room.

“Hey, Courtney?”

[jesslcover]

H.E.A.L.T.H. What is it?

For many years, ive been trying to get all these beautiful inspiring stories out of my head and out into the public. I believe that I have a message and maybe my delivery is off but its there....  There is no right or wrong way to deliver a message because it truly comes down to the perception of the receiver, not you that creates the problem. If you have a message to share with the world.. share it, and if the world isn't ready, thats there issue, not yours. So here’s mine.... well a small piece of it... 

Have you ever thought about what the true definition of health is? Is the worlds definition of health congruent with your own definition? How did you come to your own way of health or do you follow others and envision yourself as them maybe when you were completely out of balance with yourself. Or did you do research on ways to quick fix your health Hit?  

There are so many ways we can view health and in each one of us, its different. Take a smoker of 30 years.....    If you or someone you know has smoked for a very long time and are thinking about quitting, you know its gonna be stressful. Even if you are 100% committed to giving up the filthy habit and saying good rides, the body and mind are going to, at some point be in stress overload. The nasty chemical of nicotine has adapted inside your body and your cells feed off of them but then ll of a sudden, you are suffocating the fuel for which stimulated the craving when they were on empty... So your brain thinks, “feed me nicotine, feed me oral fixation.” 

No patch, gum or physical ailment has ever been the true reason some someone killing the habit. The real healing and transformation comes from the energetic balance between what our mind is telling our body, and what forces surround us in our environment the controls our cravings within our body. 

For 12 years, I smoked very heavy cigarettes. Not the Light to Ultra light brands but the stuff the big boys, construction workers, mechanics, Beer Bellied red necks, used to smoke. My mom allowed me to smoke as many cigarettes as I wanted, just as long as I only smoked cigarettes and nothing else. 

In June 1999, after a car accident nearly caused my death, I was awaked into a new light and mindset. Still smoking cigarettes, going to church and attending local exercise classes, my perception to things was different.  

After 4.3 drooling months of battling a disconnect of me headspace and my Mind Body Spirit connection being in OFF mode, I was turn on with more voltage and internal power than ever before. 

In October 1999, 2.5 weeks after I was forced to drop out of high school, I was blown away that something so big, and active was living inside of my head. I asked myself, how could this tumor, be so unkind to just appear out of the blue and say, “That’s it Lady, POWER OFF.” 

I was a senior in High School, passionate about hospitality, working for Marriott hotels 23-28 hours a week in front office operations and selling shoes at Nine West 13-17 hours/week M-F. Marriot was a Fri-Sat-Sunday job with Holidays for  the additional overtime. After my accident, I lost my job at the shoe store however Marriott loved my positive energy and life force I expelled to guests while they checked in, even when I couldn't see over the front Desk front sitting in a chair from Pain. Although I felt much loved at this hotel, I would soon be discharged from here as well. 

October 24th, 1999, after my first attempt to get my GED, the equivalent to a High School Diploma, I failed. I felt horrible with my life. I had no job because of my disability, I quit high school and barely saw my friends, no driver license because they were taking from me by the State of Ohio for safety of other drivers and I was smoking 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day. How was I able to come out of this mess and go from SURVIVING to THRIVING?                           It certainly wasnt some Miracle pill or Reconstructive Surgery that changed me from the outside to inspire my inside......  It came from within me! How I looked at the physical things around me, how I gave thanks to everything, even a bird dropping its poo poo on my head while trying to sunbathe next to my neighbors pool, or having a check for $3.84 bounce over a pack of cigarettes. What taught me the greatest life comeback in these scenarios.

It was a wet and muggy Wednesday morning in October, the 27th to be exact, when my mom dreaded waking at 745am to take me to get a second opinion from a doctor at the Cleveland Clinic office near my small hometown. She had finished work at 1130pm the previous night to only arrive home around 1215am from the heavy rain that evening. My first appointment was at 830am. 

There were actually several appointments scheduled that day however my mom had to be at work by 1pm and wasnt able to take me to all of my appointments. After the first appointment, we decided to skip the potential MRI and take me to grandma’s house. 

For the next 9 months, until June, the summer of 2000, I stayed with grandma. It was a much happier place to be. Grandma had 3 fun loving dogs, a pool with a beautiful wooden deck big enough for 5-7 lawn chairs, and my aunt Kathy living within walking distance. Kathy smoked and she was more like a smoking buddy. I was able to make some money mowing yards for the neighbors and helping grandma with the house and her dogs. In June, I got my driver license back and went on a mission to find a job that would give me independence away from everyone! It was the greatest stepping stone into womanhood I could've ever taken. 

After attempting to retrieve my job with Marriott and being unsuccessful, an amusement park on the lake outside of cleveland contacted me for a summer job at one of their hotels in the park. Cedar Point is the PRIME ROLLERCOASTER park in the USA. Without hesitation, I took the job and moved 2.5 hours away in a cabin villa with 2 other girls, for the summer. 

Cutting to the chase... at the end of the summer, I felt like i was ready to go back to school and try my HSD again. It didnt take long to see that, this wasnt supposed to be the option for me. 

August 2000, just days before school was to begin, mom and I, her friend Cheryl and our long time neighbor were shopping for school supplies at our local Staples Store. Cheryl had MS and I took care of her also. Without her with us, my mom would've been in the Emergency room. 

As we were walking out of the store, I started to dauntingly walk a different direction than my mom and Cheryl. Completely disconnect from the world, my mom said she continued to yell at me but I didn't listen. Was I not listening or did I not hear her? 

In the moment when my mom gently grabbed my right shoulder to bring me toward our truck, I physically attacked her, bruised her face and she fell on the ground. Immediately she got back up and “started calling me names”, Cheryl said. Before we got to the truck, I came out of this brain freeze and began to ask my mom “Oh My God, what happened to you?” 

You can imagine my mom’s confusion, frustration and contemplation as to why I seemed to disillusioned to the event. This object in my brain was moving again and this time caused a disconnect that changed my life traumatically, with myself and my mother. 

A week before my Mom’s birthday, September 4, school had only jut begun and I was doing good until the long 3 days weekend for Labor Day. Labor day is the 1st Monday in September and my mom’s birthday happened to fall on that day however our doctors office was closed. 

The very next day, with a luck of the draw, Dr Angerman, who I saw the previous years, had a slot open at 9am which my mom booked me without question. The findings were what had been daunting me for more than 15 months. 

Ganglioglioma is low-grade tumor of mixed cell type. It is a type of brain tumor that contains properties of both glial cells (responsible for providing the structural support of the central nervous system) and neuronal cells (the functioning component of the central nervous system). It is very rare!! Being rare was one thing but with the location being life threatening inoperable, my mom burst into tears with fears of what to do with me. 

My Ganglioglioma treatments included:               Neurosurgery – to remove as much of the tumor as safely possible; surgery is often limited due to the deep, central placement of these tumors within the brain                                                                                                     Chemotherapy – either before surgery to shrink the tumor or to kill cancer cells 

Radiation therapy – precisely targeted treatment to control local growth of tumors; not recommended unless the child’s tumor has re-grown due to potential long-term side effects of therapy.

Cleveland Clinic has some of the most highly acclaimed doctors and surgeons in the world. They are one of the best trusted hospital resources for Neurological, Cardiac and Pulmonary operations. With a higher success rate than any other hospital affiliation on the entire planet, Dr Angerman relaxed my mom and assured her that I was in heaven’s hands.  On March 12th, 2001, I became a successful survivor of this rare scare of a brain tumor however the end wasn’t close yet. 

After 3 days, I was released from Cleveland Clinic Neurosurgery in Cleveland, Ohio, with 100% full confidence by Neurosurgeon Dr. Morris, that I would recover with no problems. March 16th, while at my grandmothers house, I had a stroke. I was paralyzed on the entire left side of my body for 6 weeks until April 29th 2001...... 

Dr Morris did an amazing job at my surgery and was the first person and step that gave me internal hope that led to my wellness path to what I call HEALTH however, it was the energy practices of Yoga& Pranayama, which no one in my red neck town had ever heard of), Mindfulness, Chiropractic, proper nutrition and guided imagery that allowed me to transform my mind, come back in tune with my body and provide positive feedback that would change my life, inside and out, forever. 

It’s now 18.5 years later, Aug 2019, and my passion for helping people, inspiring wellness and Mind Body Medicine to everyone I meet, especially as a career, gains excitement everyday! My true meaning of HEALTH is Holistic Enhancements Aspiring Longevity Tranquility & Happiness. Because true health starts with me, not with money, a beautiful BMW, fancy vacations or diamonds... It starts at the HEART... tap deep within and you will win.... no matter what you are going through!

When we live life in a state of our own positive definition of HEALTH, whatever it may be, we are creating an art that is unique to us and us only, but its from the heart. Learn to BREATHE... and used the same formula components(letters) to BE HEART! 

Sorry for any typos...

Namaste, Good Night friends. 

[ta96msfn-blog]

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Can an insurance company make me pay taxes on a loan i took out against my life insurance policy?

Can an insurance company make me pay taxes on a loan i took out against my life insurance policy?

I took out a loan on a life insurance policy. the premiums i paid had twice exceeded the amount my beneficiaries would recieve if i died. I was told that if i didn t repay the loan the only penalty would be that amount would be deducted from the pay out if i should die.I did not repay the loan and decided i did not want to keep paying on the policy because i had much better insurance. the insurance company added the cost of the loan plus a lot of interest and unbeknowst to me reported (to IRS)an amount almost 3 times larger than the loan as my additional income. Can they do this?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :COVERAGEQUOTES.NET

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[kz-i-co]

Deal or No Deal: Part IV

» Summary: things left off really bad with Youngjae and you were certain you lost him forever.

» Pairing: Yoo Youngjae/ Reader

» Genre: Angst/smut

» Words: 4.1k

» Warning: Very Cliche love story concept that is probably very cringy.

» Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

» m.list ╫ bap masterlist

-

Your heart broke watching him climb out that window. You may have lost him forever this time. Why can't you just say those simple words. I love you. You were just afraid of rejection was all.

You both have been together for so long and he walked out of your life first, something deep down in your gut was thinking he could easily do it again. But for some reason things felt different this time. You honestly felt more in love with him now then before. You felt more sick. Like you couldn't even be away from him for long. You decided to just put on a smile and move on, as painful as it is.

It was 2 months exactly. 2 months he climbed out your window. You couldn't see him. He was still around but you excused your self from every social event possible. You just lied and said you were with Chanlee. Chanlee. He was great. He was so sweet and gentle and you didn't deserve him. You weren't in love with him. He wasn't Youngjae. He was the better choice. A gentleman. And that's why you couldn't stay with him. You felt like it was wrong to lead him on, so you ended it as soon as you could. He understood and even continued to be your friend.

Soomin invited you to a family gathering, which at first you thought it would be just a friendly get together at the park not people you were hoping wouldn't be there so you wouldn't be a nervous wreck.

"What the fuck?" You whispered as you were panicking on the inside.

"What?" Soomin asked trying to set up the picnic table, while following your eyes. "Will you stop already."

Your eyes couldn't leave Youngjae. He was chatting up with his friends while that girl clinged onto him. The one you had him speak to that day in the park. It felt like it was forever ago.

"Are you going to avoid him forever?" Soomin brought you back to reality.

"That was the plan, yes."

"You both are acting stupid....you're in love with him, and he is in love with you....simple....now kiss and make up." Soomin snapped.

"He's not in love with me....He told me himself, it was just a lesson, it didn't mean anything."

"And you're believing that?"

"Until he tells me the truth himself, yes I believe that." Your eyes sunk. "Look how happy he looks with her."

Soomin followed your eyes once again. "He's pretending stupid." Then she walked away.

You need to get out of here, like right now. "(Y/N) darling." Soomin's mother grabbed you and led you over to her table. She wanted you to say hello to the rest of her family.

"You look more beautiful every time I see you." Her grandmother said.

"Thank you ma'am." You bowed.

"I made my special dip, go try it." She insisted.

"I already know it's great, ma'am, I really need to get-" You started.

"But I change something, go on try."

"Okay." You smiled but once you turned around to walk over to the picnic table you mentally groaned. You wanted to get out of here before Youngjae spots you.

"Hey." Speak of the devil.

You looked up and shivered once you saw him. "Oh, hi."

You looked down at the dip and grabbed a piece of bread. You looked at the sweet older ladies to see them still staring at you. You scooped the dip and placed it on your bread and ate it quickly as Youngjae watched in amusement. You forced a smile towards the ladies as you swallowed the terrible dip.

Luckily they went back to their business and you quickly grabbed a drink to wash down the taste. "What is that all about?" He laughed.

Oh his laugh. It was too adorable. Stop!

"Oh um...." You were getting tongue tied. "That's Soomins mother and grandmother, they have been making this dip for years and it's not very good." You made a face of disgust.

He laughed once again. "So how have you been?" He asked sweetly.

"I'm good, I see you and what's her name are really hitting it off." He arched his eyebrows. "I mean you're cute together."

He pursed his lips. "Thank you. Where's your boyfriend?"

"He's working." You lied.

"Don't you both work at the school? Its the weekend." He asked. How did he even know?

"He needs to catch up on some paperwork."

"Okay." He started to walk away. "By the way, you look really good."

He walked off and you couldn't help but blush. Why. Why did he have to say that.

-

"Hey you." Chanlee greeted. Remember when you said he was your friend now. He was and the best one you could ever ask for. You told him everything. Even about being in love with Youngjae and he was so sweet and kind to you about it.

"Hey." He sat down at the teachers table with you.

"You Okay?"

"Yeah, I have a lot of papers to grade, I want to go back to being a student teacher."

"You've been an official teacher for almost a year now." He laughed.

"I know, but it's hard and the kids are assholes."

"2nd graders are assholes? You want my fourth graders?" He raised his eyebrows. "What is wrong....for real? I know it's not school."

"Have you talked to Youngjae yet?" He continued.

"No, I can't."

"Because you've been avoiding him."

"Its not just that, I saw him at the picnic, he looked so happy with that girl, I'm too late."

"So you're gonna give up?" He questioned.

"Why is everyone fighting me? It's over." You said.

"But you're in love, at least tell him how you feel." Chanlee said.

You wanted to tell him but you were scared. Youngjaes opinion was important to you.

-

From Youngjae to Jongguk: 12:13pm I'm here

From Jongguk to Youngjae: 12:14pm I'm running a little late, come on up.

Youngjae was nervous about going up. It's been a week since he saw you that day at the park and he couldn't stop thinking about you. He felt depressed, since you left his life.

Youngjae walked up to the apartment slowly and knocked on the door. He felt relieved that Yongguk answered the door.

"Hey Youngjae, sorry I just got out of the shower." He looked at him with guilt.

Youngjae looked around the corner at your door. "Where's Soomin?" Youngjae asked.

"Shes out with (Y/N)."

He didn't speak a word. He just looked around. "(Y/N) seems happy, with Chanlee I mean."

"Chanlee? She broke up with him weeks ago."

What? Youngjae thought.

He was only talking to you about him a week ago. Did she lie? Why would she lie?

-

You took your time getting out of work. You wanted to bring your work home with you at first but you knew it wouldn't get done. You decided to stay a little longer and finish it and eventually went home. It was almost 7 once you got home. You noticed a small note on the fridge, pulling your attention.

'(Y/N), I will be staying with Yongguk tonight, don't wait up. - Soomin.

You felt like you need to take a nice warm bath and just remax. It was Friday so you really wanted to enjoy your few days off. You made your way to your room and turned the light on. You jumped from the sudden surprise sitting on your bed.

"What are you doing here?" You felt chills from the old memory.

"I need to talk to you."

"We never just talk." You raised an eyebrow.

He just stared up at you and stood up. "Why did you lie to me?"

"About What?" Your lip trembled. He knew.

"About being with Chanlee."

"What do you mean?" You played dumb.

"You broke up with him weeks ago?" Youngjae tried to get the truth out of you.

"It wasn't weeks ago." Youngjae raised his eyebrows at your response. "So what, we just didn't click."

"How come?"

"None of your business. Why are you here?" You asked more angry.

"I needed to talk to you."

"Did your girlfriend stop having sex with you or something?"

"That's not why-"

"I told you I'm not doing that anymore." You interrupted him. "Look I had a long day."

"You got it all wrong." He said angry.

"Then what do you need to talk about?"

"I want you, okay." You were taken back by his confession.

"Did you talk to Soomin?" You asked.

"What? No." He said confused.

"Do you feel bad for me? Or?" You were on the verge of tears.

"No-I-" He tried to calm you down. "I'm in love with you (Y/N)."

You looked at him in shock but then quickly turned to anger. "You don't even know what love is Youngjae."

"What's wrong?" He stopped you from leaving the room.

"You don't love me. So just go home back to your girlfriend and forget we ever happened."

"What can I do for you to believe me?" He looked at you hurt, causing you to feel confused.

"That's the problem Youngjae, I did believe you.....the first time and you broke my heart."

"(Y/N) that was years ago, I'm different now." He begged.

"I'm sorry, but that's a risk I can't take." You knew you wanted him. That was clear but you were too damaged. You lost his trust and you couldn't go through this again.

He looked down disappointed. "Ok." He left once again as hurt as you.

-

~one week later~

You were sitting in your office as the kids just went out to enjoy their recess. You were suppose to grade homework but your mind was somewhere else. You couldn't even pay attention to the knock on the door at first. You got up wondering who it could be since it was free time.

You lost your words, seeing the unexpected visitor. "Youngjae, what, how-"

"I'm sorry I just wanted to give you something before I leave." What? Leave? Where?

"I'm sorry, I'm probably the last person you want to see, but I don't know what to do with this, so I figured I give it to you anyway." He handed you a small box. You could tell how emotionless he was.

You didn't open the box yet. You were still processing on him leaving. "Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna live with Daehyun for a little bit and eventually move into my own place over there."

"But Daehyun lives over an hour away."

"I know." He pursed his lips. "This place hasn't been very good for me." He awkwardly rocked back and fourth with his hands in his pockets.

"But what about your girlfriend?" You had to ask.

He sighed and looked away from you. "I ended that the night of the picnic."

What? That was 2 weeks ago.

"You can sell it if you want, I bought it a long time ago, so I don't have the receipt anymore. To be honest I threw it out the day I got it." He said as he had one foot out the door. You started to open the box. "I'll see you around alright."

As your eyes were mesmerized at the beautiful item held in front of you, Youngjae was already gone.

It was the charm bracelet you were saving up to get once apon a time, back when you two were first dating. He must of bought it for you before the break up. He had it, all this time? Why?

"Youngjae-" You looked up and finally noticed he was gone. No. You couldn't lose him, not now. You ran out your room and down the hall. He was no where in sight. What have you done?

You tried calling him several times but his phone went straight to voice mail.

The worst part was you couldn't just leave work. You couldn't even make it through the rest of your shift. Your mind was eager and the kids noticed. You just gave them the rest of the day off since you weren't in a state to teach at the moment. You felt non stop adrenaline until that bell rang. You were out the door before the kids even.

You went to his apartment real quick and you grew more impatient as the person at the door wasn't him. "Where's Youngjae?" You asked.

"He went to the train station?" Himchan looked at you confused because it seemed obvious to everyone he was leaving.

You couldn't believe this was happening. He was right there confessing his heart out to you and your stupidity ruined everything. You just believed that he couldn't possibly love you.

You looked over the room as there was people everywhere, either purchasing their tickets or waiting in line to get to their train. How can you find him in all of this?

You knew what train he was going to that was it. You didn't even know what time his train was. For all you knew his could of left hours ago. You basically pushed through the crowd and managed to sneak past the guards as some of them were distracted.

Since you didn't have a ticket, you had to jump the small gate to get past. You glanced down the long tunnel seeing all the different trains lined up and people aboarding. Then you glanced at the familiar boy, you were in love with. He was getting on a train with a suitcase in his hand.

"Youngjae!" You shouted as loud as you could and getting tons of attention except the one you wanted. You ran towards his open train but as soon as you got close you heard the doors closing and the engine in motion. You saw Youngjae walking down the aisle and double glance out the window.

He looked at you with confusion and went towards the window opening it.

"(Y/N)?"

"I'm in love with you." You had to shout since the engines were louder then you.

His mouth hung open, not being able to speak.

"I'm sorry for what I said, it was stupid and ignorant and I take it all back." Everyone was staring at you now and you never felt more embarrassed.

You could tell he was having trouble hearing you as clear as he wanted.

"Stay there." He said and grabbed his things. But before he could leave the train started moving and he was too late to get off. You stared in agony watching him get farther away.

You looked down letting your tears fall. You were just lucky you got to tell him before he really left. Unless he couldn't hear you. You walked back outside of the station and just collapsed on the bench. You weren't even sure how long you were sitting there. Felt like hours.

As you got up, getting ready go leave, you heard running. You turned around as soon as you heard your name.

You saw Youngjae clearly out of breath and wearing a big smile. He dropped his bag and walked up closer to you. "What did you say?"

"I love you." Your lip trembled and you felt more tears stream down your face. He came over to you quickly and slammed his lips into yours. Cliche as it was, it felt like the world stopped and you were the only people there. He pulled away shortly from being out of breath.

"I knew it." He smirked. You were just glad he didn't lose his cocky attitude. But you didn't even care, he tilted your head up gently, and you couldn't stop smiling as the man you love was wiping your tears away.

"I'm sorry." Your voice cracked.

"For what?" He asked at your sudden sadness.

"I should have told you months ago."

"I was the one who was an asshole." He looked down.

"No, you weren't, you poured your heart out and I just blew it off....because I was scared." You closed your eyes as they became more watery.

"I was the one that left first, you were right." He wiped your tears again. "But losing you made me realize how much I was really in love with you."

He smiled at you passionately before leaning down and kissing you once again. As the kiss got deeper, you felt yourself getting further away from reality. Almost like you were in a dream.

He pulled away but continued to lean his forehead against yours, just thinking. "You want to go get something to eat?"

You nodded and he quickly grabbed his bag and held your hand as you both walked back to your car.

....

"Are you still going to live with Daehyun?" You asked afraid of what the answer was.

"Well, I paid off the last of my rent so I can't go back there."

"You can live with me." You perked up causing him to smile at your cuteness.

"Okay."

"Maybe we should find a place together?" You said as you filled your mouth with the rest of your pancakes.

"You want to live together, like permanently?" He asked stunned.

You just shrugged and he smiled once again. "What about Soomin?"

"Maybe her and Yongguk should live together. They've been dating long enough anyway." You suggested.

He reached his hand across the table and held yours tightly. "That's a great idea....but for now....I'll be by your side."

"And tell Daehyun to move his ass over here....I haven't seen him in so long."

"Yeah."

.....

"Do you just want to spend the night in a hotel? It's pretty late."

You nodded and drove to the nearest hotel. It was pretty old and dingy but whatever, as long as it had a nice warm bed. It was pouring out so that automatically made the air colder.

Once you got to the room, you took off your wet jacket and turned around to Youngjae taking off all his clothes. You arched your eyebrows in confusion.

He blushed. "I'm cold." He pulled out a sweatshirt and sweat pants. After he got dressed more comfortably, he pulled out a crew neck and handed it to you.

You smiled and started stripping off your own wet clothes. You turned around and removed your bra and quickly slipped the fabric over your head. You removed your skirt last as the warm fabric was covering most of your body.

"You don't need to act all shy, I've seen you naked before." He said as he grabbed the remote. He was right and you didn't know why things felt so different. Not in a bad way, it was just like starting over, with a new slate.

You sat down on the bed next to him shyly. You honestly couldn't help it. "When did you buy that charm bracelet?"

"I bought it for our 1 year anniversary."

"But we were only together for 8 months." You questioned.

"I bought it a few months before we broke up." He pursed his lips.

"Why did you keep it? You felt unhappy in our relationship, why did you keep it for all these years?"

"Because even though we broke up and I've dated other girls after, I never stopped thinking about you....I didn't know what it meant at first but something was telling me to hold on to it, like I couldn't lose the little detail I had of you....just thinking how much you loved that stupid braclet used to make me laugh."

You leaned your head on his should laughing. "Maybe you should hold onto it again and give it to me on our real anniversary, If we make it."

"Nah, I'll give you something even better." He looked at you sweetly.

"Let me guess, a picture of you....naked."

"How did you know." He said sarcastically and leaned forward to kiss you. You smiled into the kiss and leaned backwards until you eventually felt the bed rubbing against your back.

He moved you back farther so your head could rest gently on the pillows. He slithered his hand up his crew neck that you were wearing. His hand found its way to your chest that he had more access to since you removed your bra eariler.

You couldn't help your wandering hands snake it's way inside his sweatpants, rubbing him outside of his briefs.

He moved his lips off yours and moved them down your neck leaving wet trails all along your body. He was sucking your neck and you knew he was leaving marks.

"Did you forget I'm a school teacher?" You smiled.

He looked at you with realization. "I'll have to find somewhere that won't be exposed."

You felt butterflies from his choice of words and watched him move away from your body. He sat up and started to remove your underwear. He leaned down kissing up your thigh until he got to your most wanted area.

You felt so sensitive at this point since the last time you had been touched was with Youngjae and that was over 2 months ago. You couldn't with Chanlee, all you ever did with was kiss because you felt too guilty.

"I thought I taught you not to tense up?" He laughed taking a short break.

"I'm sorry." You tried to relax.

He continued swirling his tongue all along your very sensitive area. You couldn't even contain your moans at this point. Your hands waved through his hair as he caused so much friction.

You clenched up toward his mouth as you felt your organism washing through. He got up satisfied as he looked down on you being a hot mess. You sat up yourself being eye height to his waist. You bit your lip and looked up to him using his sweater to wipe his mouth. You grabbed the waist line to his sweatpants and started to tug down.

He stopped what he was doing and looked down at you. "We can skip-"

You grabbed his member out of his briefs and immediate started working your mouth against him. You gave him no warning, which gave him the reaction you wanted. Weakness.

He struggled against you only after a few seconds and leaned you away and hovered over you. He wasn't patient as he guided himself inside you. He left out weak moan once he filled the tight space. You had to constantly bite your lip to not scream out in pain as he thrusted against you in a rough manor.

It was like he was holding all his sexual frustration you weren't able to give him for the past few months and just released them all at once. He leaned down and pushed the crew neck up to have access to your chest. He started sucking on your left side giving you more ecstasy.

Your adrenaline was kicking in, turning you both over so you could be more dominant. Your fingers combed through your messy hair as you rocked against him quickly. He held your hips helping you control your motions.

At first you almost felt embarrassed since the bed was so squeaky and could probably be heard throughout the whole hotel, but you could feel your stomach turn in excitement and you couldn't hold back now.

"(Y/N) I'm gonna-"

"You can't not yet." You said out of breath. You had no form of protection because of your needy selves and you didn't want to risk anything, not so soon.

You cried out as you finally released feeling weak. You got up slightly just to release him and grabbed him and helped him find his release as well. He pushed his sweater up to avoid a mess as you worked your fingers against him. He leaned his head back weakly as he finally climaxed. You felt butterflies all over again just watching him. You leaned down cleaning up the mess.

"You're amazing." He panted.

"You mean I'm finally good?" You teased.

He couldnt speak so he gave you a nod instead.

When things became settled down, you both were cuddled under the blanket, trying to get warm once again. You turned around and saw Youngjae was already sleeping. It was cute seeing how tired he was. You squeezed into his chest and let yourself fall asleep as well. You still couldn't stop smiling as things finally went the way you wanted.

Youngjae was all yours and you couldn't be happier. The next thing was to finally have a normal life with him as a couple and you were happy living together was the first step.

[human-notbeing-blog]

[Unedited: same as when written,, ] Seeking out search out for that heavnly realm That unseen That unknown That unseen, yet ever-present Everlasting , Lasting after last thing stuck in this circle Cypher rewind the minors Flow from the water Life from the evil in backwards Hit my duality with some shit Not to fight But to bea a mothafucka and let the helix twist and split The sky's the direction Relax Nothing to worry on being worthy The gift and the 8 above my head Is that love That love That otha water born creation Money for grabs all that cool , but I found myself circling this earth That realm Like thats all what of where im at And thats all im going to Crab walk across the park Paranoud cause theyre making a noise Cave to myself, no entry things and sinister dreams Avail a circle with nothing cause it aint open Finally find what time to understand What is And what the fuck isnt Drink from a different river , The golden halo Head so far from , inner isnt Splitting my own atoms Nah none more of that Control of Earthly habits To achieve more of the Earth? Give up all that shit to recieve it all In the ending Cause on that alpha shiy I wouldnt be shit Wouldnt be shit Wouldnt exist So what makes me think 3 snakes Instead of 2 Wanting more So more on repeat But I wasnt the mothafucka that brought me into this world and I'm that brotherfucker that tried to bring myself out of it 6times On count on repeat dracula Breathing ivacuated Incasipated Cant write or speak as fast as these thoughts What is this Something I dont know Something I dont want Now its unfamiliar Yet its been the same face ive been starin at for 4 years straight Straight jacket eight ball kickin a window in Made of a million pieces All decieved in decease Come to rest at best at peace Mothafucka I need more than these Days of dark sand In my hand Recieve it all in the downfall My own downfall, where I draw the bottom, where I let go of it all Jump into the loop That halo realm beyond you Beyond everything as purpose cant be nothing , only on something on this direction, thesw worries, this stance of endeavor Going out the same way I came in , hoping to be Starring into its gold to see Beginning where it starts, of that (The things he put , the fire , the heat, the elements , the alchemy) That pure shit of what I was really lookin for Molly hit my temple damn pure Take enough until you find that answrr im talking about The enptiness Took another 3 and some to look up after from the aftermath of that empty hands earthly trends going in circles around Finding the answer keeping that shit for me Thats the key So I thiught so i think therefore i am To everything to udneratand On my own my shit my own Have evrrything Entreprise to stay alive Keepin me breathin maybe But it created the things of this life outta fear Circled more for a vulture such as me Eat ate Kill to mistake Forgive never forget Holding onto something That ill never forget Cause thats where I was stancing when I wanted to ge5 ahead And its been there every since Past particle living listening more ceaseless than my tweakin car livin days Throwin seeds like atta fat bitch from a weddin for fun Cause I got nothin but this gun And somethin for my head now . maybe Mothafucka just tryna spread Like the one million of the sperm That made a brothalova like you And if i aint the same lava pour over me Cause ive been a mothafucka since the pompeii days Before prehistoric before the sage Yeah twitchclenchin fool Thats what im really looking for Thats what ive really been searching for Thats what time is To me alreast My dude , my dawg In that trust that it rains In the name of myself . in the name of going the distance in a consistence A direction thats directed by your realm heavenly . only . of . possibility . doors i dont know . havent heard . havent seen . Release that fuckin devil . that sin . Keep me in your bed . finally in between . Floating from it Like the polarity i want most . why twist my own helix like my nips This I want living more Like this I want this gold given . spread gifted . lifted . nothing to repeat of self as its no longer a race Its an assembly to stack up the lift up more Induldge in your beauty Damn youre a fuckin beauty No paranoia Wont annoy yah No more breathing heevin heavy worrying about my mindset steady no more . Somwthing of yours Nothibg of mine thats im used to Adjusted to control perfect Rash on my foreskin tryna craft a flow Something theyd appreciate Ill get it once I let get off all of it All of that All of caring Hit the bottom so i hit the heavens Yeah . mothalova . peace man fuzz . something thats worth to keep consistent Thats worth to live Cause ill only appreciate what i find when im not really that into lookin at how it would be to get and what leprocauhn bitch inside look like Heaven point of vision seeing down Like i got my 12 from 6 complete Kundalini a devil on my way up No fear on me days these slut please Find my worries on consewuences on that river you tryna find me dead Twisted my nips for hours too long . no food no sleep . Hit that g spot . my g spot . her g cavity never felt gravity till now spot sweet . From faith . from wanting it more . to making it that vision . that layer overall . overees of me make my ovaries overeasy please . Dont worry about how keep that outco e consistent As its something thats His. And I know at Any time Any Time At Any I can have it Just bathe in the things he placed here Just like you Dont gotta worry gotta bitch bout nothin Cause I know deep down From that beginning Innocent as its ever been . infant freedom set free . gave me a taste . For this plane earthly . Placed maybe for the grow i dunno Not suppose to 2 sheets 2 weeks deep tryna figure that out Edge of insanity brink of death 9pm park bench Found it Found it as its been in that The very thing ive been blocking off Thats been missing Ive been on my own mission Make that shit happen Now harder faster Fuck myself in the ass in that order That pattern that pace Ste face when in asking for more Mothafuck . ive been here to explore As ive ever been And its been the same shit 24 Cause ive been wanying what im having what im doing on the 7 Slip me the drug hidden . cause im fuckin spittin out this poison . shit. This is it . The mother the father the son and your holy spirit . hope to be within me . As you once were always were in my youth . always have been . waiting for me to see what the path is . standing at the end . like a true parent that i wish i could say i had . that i have . accept them . as human as me . as i am . Human being lookin for nothing but the all you are Fuck all the answers I wanna wake to you in the morning time Reborn spirits of me something i never planned to be . Dont give a shit if im gum on a seat stumbled As long as im living a life granted from yours . Life given from your purpose Passed given handed off Fuck . im getting off Quit to sput but quicker to spill off Pretend im something nothing but a ghost Hope for you to see Something bigger better be better be than i be So I can be Fuckdickdogshit Walkin head down Grown from the devil Because I never knew my 6 to grew To grow from Motherfuck this airplane semi lsedupsychedalic automatic trip to drift off to space outer and its that shit Simulation White box nothing blinded by appeal Fuck a bitch , we all know it aint real But big dick sexy camel golden shine waxed as the bills to be Blood on his teeth Cause mothafucka thats the test Thats the faith i gotta have Not in but against Fuckin bitch thats the test . Thats the test . Thats the test . Fucking wake up before I do . Before I fuckin did . Dont be dead as I ever was . Or you know the next best man to be unseen . yet on the surface, only on the surface , as it stops at to co-exis-be. Respect and love you cause we just met my b . Smell some heaven on this earth from endowed doused in the middle thing The middle man named grace Hit my face on some ecstacy Better than All those reasons All those reasons Ive ever been Cause its the consistent . Its in it . and its that . Gifted as tourettes already lifted . Part of rhe ground . part of the earth . part of the test . alwats knew . Break into the sky . last peace . Hear this shit before i die . Please . cause im you in another life somehow . And all this sound . all this drought . all these clouds . Knowing . wanting . breathing . living . existing . to the shining light Wanting more Seems to be absolute right? No wrong . not fooling me. I know that shit . thats i want . get off my back. I know my realty . nothing else dont . as angle makes my own . me too . 2 of me . Some of them . want something . want something to be to be something . Could be Only could be Look at the want of more . the fear of its piece . Thats what it was. Always was . Carefully step my friend . I kmow youre not paving this path for paun . At all . simple to breathe but deeper to feel defeated Dont wait for these days of my broken . hopeless . homeless . paranoia . going nowhere. to see it . 8:13pm - 8:37pm - 9:03pm 05-06-2019

[sagenivydragonfly]

🌌Wolf Child🌌

(scroll down for story)

Not having a family is harder than you think. Having to watch other children receive presents and hugs from their parents. Its the little things, like watching families ice skate or seeing then get icecream and the laughing. Its the laughing that bothers me the most. I don't think I've really laughed in my entire life. I've tried before. What came out was a ghost of happiness, of real joy. Just an eery sound that brought a shiver to my shoulders and uneasiness to my mind. My hands clung to the cold rails of the ice rink. I couldn't afford to go in. I just watched no money. No anything. Just the clothes on my back. Id managed to swipe them from a donation bin. Tan skinny jeans and boots two sizes to small. The only thing I liked about my clothes was my coat. A blue denim jacket lined with fleece and little yellow buttons with matching yellow pockets. The boots dug into my toes almost telling me what everything told me, "You've been here too long, No one wants to here. Time to leave. I gazed at the families holding hands one last time and walked away. I don't know where I was going. Just away.I was adopted and for a short while I had a family. My parents dumped me when was 10. Id always had issues with anger. They decided it was a good reason to get rid of me. Parentless again. Ive been living on my own for a while stealing and begging for food and clothes. Im not old enough for a job being 12. So until then im here. I was knocked out of my daze by a sign. The town line. Id walked too far. Ahead of me was forest. I stood for a while trying to figure out where to go next. For some reason I walked forward. So dumb. I noticed the trees slowly getting darker their leaves were harder to make out individually. I keep walking. Suddenly I snap out of it and realize what Ive done. Nightfall. I can barely see my hand in front of me. I panic. I don't know the way back let alone where I am. I can hear my heart pounding I run. My breathing ragged. I need to get out. Faster faster! I push on. Miles and miles, the sheer force of adrenaline and will to live forcing my body on. I feel im about to pass out. Then out of no where Thump! I hit something! Wait something hit me! Im on the ground now. Looming over me is a form. I hear a growl and from above something wet and slimy drips onto my face. The gaping maw closes over my shoulder. I claw and scream hit and kick but im too exhausted to fight anyone "No! No! No..."I let it consume me I pass out.

I hear sounds but they sound faint and watery my head feels like its under water. I try to move. My head throbs. I groan. I force my eyes open. I look up. Trees are above me and I hear birbs chirping. Where am I? This isn't the city. I sit up dizzy and disoriented. Im in the spot I was last night. I jolt to attention. That thing...from last night what was it? Was it real was it a dream? I move my arm and yell out. My coat is on the ground next to me my shirt is torn. I move the fabric to expose a few scabbed over punctures in my left shoulder. It was defiantly real. I try to stand up. I wobble. "Ugh" I gather my coat and put it on. At least I still have this. I pick a direction and I begin walking. My stomach growls. I haven't eaten in 2 days. Maybe ill starve. That wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I stop. Leaves are crinkling. Its not me. Something runs near, only a few trees away. I can't see through the thickness of the forest. Fear. I dash off. My hunger overtakes me. Im not as fast as before. Im weak and tired. I have nothing left. I stop. Keeling over and wheezing. I almost choke my guts out breathing so hard. Finally it doesn't hurt to break I stand up. No. I look straight into the eyes of a Grey wolf. I freeze. No where to go now. Nowhere to hid. A deer in the open. Almost begging to be eaten. He doesn't move. I look panic in my eyes. He doesn't look angry but he doesn't look away. A menacing stare. Could melt ice with that gaze. I look away. He sits. I try to slowly back away. He growls. I stop. He stops growling. I sit. We look at eachother. Im confused on what to do and scared about being eaten alive. He yawns. I being and idiot scoot towards him. He cocks his head. He doesn't know what I am. I wonder what hes alone. Hes not the biggest wolf but hes not small. Hes dark grey with black guard hairs. Yellowy amber eyes cunning and sharp. But something about his eyes now are soft and inviting. I suddenly want to touch his fur. I reach my hand out. He looks at me and does nothing. I begin to lower my hand. He shoves his muzzle into my hand. Im shocked. Hes soft. I gently pet his muzzle. I look at his eyes again. He respects me it seems. Im still going to be careful. We spend the rest of the day walking and sitting infront of eachother. I wonder why he didn't eat me in the first place. Was he lonely? Im lonely. Wheres his family. Its dark again. Im scared. What is in this forest. I instinctively grab onto him. He makes a noise. A nonthretaning noise. I rest my hand on his back and let him lead. We come to a clearing. I think he sleeps here. There's a tree with a hole at the base. He leads me there and I follow him inside. The floor is dirt and smooth. He turns around 3 times and curls up in a corner I do the same and laugh. I cover my mouth. A real laugh. Im astonished. A wolf made me laugh. I giggle and close my eyes, drifting to sleep.

Morning. The birds are chirping again. I look for the wolf. Hes standing in the clearing. He needs a name. So do i. I sit next to him and study him. He sniffs some Wild Thyme. "Aha!" he looks up questioning me. I point at him "Thyme!" he sniffs the thyme again. My stomach growls. He runs off. I get worried. I wait 30 min. He comes back with a squirrel. He sets it down infront of me. I look at him. Im silent for a few min. I finally give in a start tearing of chunks of meat and stuffing it on my mouth. There's barely any taste. But food is food.

Over the next few days Thyme and i become good friends. He hunts and I spot his prey from up in a tree. Thyme gave me a wolf name it kinda sounds like "Aaaaaru!" I laugh all the time now.

Years have passed and I still live here. Ive outgrown everything except my coat an pants. Im 15 now old enough to work. Thyme showed me the way back to the city a along time ago. I never wanted to go back. I say goodbye and that ill come back.

I walk down the main street. Things have changed. Its been 3 years after all. I go to the donation box. I freeze. There in the pile is a fuzzy wolf hat with paw gloves attached. The same color as Thymes coat. I snatch it immediately. "Hey.Hey!you can't take from there!" I don't even see whose yelling. I ran before I could look i put it on my head. Im homeless anyways. I ran to the other side of town. Sliding down the wall onto the ground I sit. "Hey you." I turn around. "Youre fast" "me?" she nods. "Thanks?" I nervously reply. "You got the legs on ya that you could deliver my baked goods to the customers in the knick of time! Would ya like a job missy?" "uh...Oh! Yes yes definatly!" "Come on in then! Oh by the way what's your name?" Oh crap I don't have one. "Uh...uh...Aaru?" she nods. I take a deep breath and begin a normalish life.

It has been a year since I last saw Thyme. I went back a month later but he wasnt there. I walked the whole forest and he was gone. I screamed the name of my best friend and brother and only family as loud as I could. Nothing. Now I walk through that forest for the millionth time. I sit by the clearing and the tree with the hole. I rest my weary legs. I hold my arms out and cry pretending he was there. I felt him but it wasnt real. I cried into his fur and sobbed against his chest. I opened my eyes. I stared into the eyes of my old friend. He was missing a part of his front leg, he was covered in battle scars and he looked like he had been to hell and back. I didn't care. I had my family. But I hadnt even begun to realize what happened to him. Finding out may be to gruesome

For now we wait in eachother arms. Two wolves

A family

🌌A pack🌌

I really worked hard on this so if anyone reads it im so happy, but also surprised cause its suuuuuper long aaa 🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌

[legion1993]

December 23rd

A/N: this is for the 12 days of christmas challenge brought to us by @thing-you-do-with-that-thing & @like-a-bag-of-potatoes... this also happens to be for JulesTheQuirky’s Winter Holiday Song Challenge brought to us by @julesthequirky.. hope you ladies enjoy them all. 

pairing: Jensen x Reader

day 10: Christmas ball

prompt: last christmas by cascada

summery: its a surprise!!!!

12 days Masterlist 

this is the story about how you were invited to a christmas ball but you just got your heart broken. but the hosts wanted you to sing a song, a christmas song but up until recently (2 weeks ago to be exact).

you had happily been dating Jensen Ackles one of the actors on the hit tv show Supernatural, but the littlest things would just bug you basically you made a list and sat down one day to discuss what the future looked like for the 2 of you. 

but Jensen had the same idea, your ideas didnt match so he ended things. but it was apparent that you were heartbroken. considering you hadnt left your apartment in the last week. 

by the time you received the invite for the ball you had found enough courage to face the music as it were. to come back into the world and face your fans, face your broken rhythm.

so you RSVP’d to the invite and started deciding what to wear as the ball was tomorrow, but you knew that this party was all the hottest and exclusive guests only. and every single year you were asked ever so nicely to perform but someone AKA Jensen was also always asked to perform. 

you hoped this year that you would have a chance to express your true feelings. for it was 2 years ago tomorrow that you confessed your love for Jensen as a tradition. so you definitely knew what song you would sing. 

you had picked a long flowy dress that brought out your natural curves and your nature about the season. but it also reminded you of Jensen, and this was okay cause for this event it worked.

tomorrow arrived quickly. the event wasnt due to start till 7pm but you had to be there an hour early to do a sound check and a couple other things.  so you got ready and my oh my did you enjoy spining around in that dress for a few moments before throwing on your heels, packing your clutch and walking out to meet your car.

upon arriving at the party, you told your driver to be on the waiting list for your text of when your ready to be gotten as usual.

looking up at the building you had yet to breathe but you knew it would be ok for soon it would be time to get up on stage and address the people.

you went inside got fit for your personal mic and heard a voice from yonder speak.

Jensen: "dude i broke up with her why the hell would i want to sing with her.?."

Jared: "she is miserable plus i kinda have been messaging her."

jensen: "why the hell are you talking with her.. what happened to the bro code."

jared: "cause she needed someone to talk her through her 2 weeks of solitude.... i was there for her. just listen to her rehearsal dude."

Jared nods for jensen to turn his head they both watch and listen as you do your warm ups.

stage hand: "when your ready... sing something so we can calculate your vocal patterns."

you stood still not knowing if this would be heard by many people... but you sang straight from the heart, channeling all your hurt, all your pain into this one song...

Y/N: "well baby ive been here before, ive seen this room and ive walked this floor, i used to live alone before i knew ya. and ive seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victr'y march its a cold and its a broken hallelujah..."

but at that moment another voice joined in your breaking tones  against the protests of his best friend. but the voice made you stop singing it made you tense up.

Jensen: "hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah..."

but you were so scared of what may come out of your mouth that in your dress withiut your shoes you ran off the stage, and into your dressing room.

~meanwhile jensen is getting talked to by jared who is just looking out for your well being.~

Jared: “Jay you shouldnt have done that, this is the first time in weeks that you guys have seen eachother and the first idea you have is to scare her by joining her in singing that song. do you have any idea how much emotion she expelled when she sang that part of the song.?.” 

Jensen: “what the hell is going on so badly that she would confide in you and not me? why would she confide in you and not me? what arent you telling me?”

Jared: “ever wonder why she was acting a little different, why she always took her time getting ready. why she started having to go to the doctor so much. why she got so emotional the day you guys split."

Jensen had to think about this for he had not noticed anything like that, well he had he just didnt say anything.

Jensen: "well what is her reasoning... and it better explain everything."

Jared couldnt believe how clueless his best friend was being... he couldnt believe how stupid he was acting...

Jared: "shes pregnant dude."

Jensen: "what? what are you talking about?"

Jared couldnt take it anymore his best friend was gonna drive him nuts if he didnt tell him.

Jared: "she called me the day you guys broke up, she had a doctors appointment and didnt want to go alone so i went with her... i saw it myself its true... doc said she is about a month along. baby is definately yours jay."

Jensen was so shocked at this point... he couldnt believe it you were a month pregnant, with his baby...

Jensen: "well i guess that explains a few things but why wouldnt you tell me.."

Jared: "cause it wasnt my tale to tell... but seriously dude if you want her back dont scare her please."

~Jensen knew he had to get you back but it wasnt going to be easy... thats when the party started~

announcer: “welcome one and all.. tonight will be full of love, laughter, dancing and song. tonight is gonna be the night of all nights. lets kick it off with some cocktails and a song... so every one grab your cocktails and i will introduce our first singer in a moment.”

the announcer came up to you and smiled.

Announcer: “thank you for coming i heard what happened through the grapevine. are you sure you want to go up there and sing.”

Y/N: “i cant sit and be afraid of the world and their opinions anymore.”

Announcer: “ok would you mind going first?”

Y/N: “k but if it looks like im gonna freeze cut the music...”

Announcer: “ok i’ll go introduce you..”

the announcer walks out on the stage as the crowd comes back to the center of the room...

Announcer: “ok so she just had a horrible break up but she still came out tonight here to sing something that describes what she is feeling here is Y/N...”

you turned on your mic pack as you walked out on stage to the beat of the music. you knew that anything else would have made you scared but you gave your best smile...

Y/N: “Last christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away... this year to save me from tears i’ll give it to someone special. Last Christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. this year to save me from tears i’ll give it to someone special...”

you were not sure if you would be able to do the rest of the song but you had to try.

Y/n: "once bitten and twice shy i keep my distance but you still catch my eye tell me baby do you recognize me well it's been a year and it doesn't surprise me. i wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying "I love you" i meant it now i know what a fool ive been but if you kissed me now i know you'd fool me again."

thats when Jensen came up on the stage view slowly. it startled you knowing how close he was but it didnt make you stop singing instead you turned to face him.

y/N: "last Christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away this year to save me from tears ill give it to someone special."

you froze before continuing but Jensen instead pipped in..

Jensen: "a face on a lover with fire in your heart but im undercover but ive torn you apart... i mever meant to hurt you, now i know what a fool i was but if i kissed you now would you marry me.?."

you were shocked and just stood there in a shocked state then the music cut... the crowd just as shocked as you but anxiously awaiting your answer..

you instead of answering broke down into tears falling on your knees in front of Jensen you sobbed, for you knew that he knew about the baby...

Y/N: "im sorry Jay i should have told you as soon as i found out but i was scared, i love you Jensen Ackles. i would be honored to become your wife."

[loveraids]

advice for incoming freshmen

hey guys! here’s a list of some tips i made for incoming freshmen. i thought i’d share some advice/knowledge i’ve accumulated over the years too. everything’s under the cut. if you have any questions/concerns, feel free to message me! ☀️ (tw: long post)

1. one of the biggest fears many people have entering high school is not making friends. however, there are MANY opportunities where you can make friends! besides being friendly with who you sit with in class, try joining a sport, club, extra curricular, etc. i’m not saying making friends is the easiest thing in the world- i still struggle with it today. but don’t put yourself down if you’re not immediately friends with everyone in the school in the first week- it’ll take some time to develop. remember that everyone else is just as scared as you are, and they aren’t gonna come out of their shells until you do as well.

2. depending on your school, they may start throwing college shit at u on day one (although unlikely). no matter what, don’t stress right now!! the college process really doesn’t begin until the weeks leading up to the summer of junior year. you have time!! it’s ok to not know what you want to do. college has an “undecided” major for a reason.

3. V O L U N T E E R. i cannot stress this enough. it has soso many benefits and freshman year will most likely be the most time-free year you have. find a position at your local zoo, library, camp, hospital, etc. it’s a great resume booster and can aid you in the college application process (additionally, if you have an honors society that requires volunteer hours, you’ll need them anyways). also, you get to help people !

4. freshman year is going to teach you what real high school work is. you may struggle, and it’s ok! i was one of the “bright” kids that had their grades drop once i entered high school, and yeah, it did a lot to my self esteem. but throughout the years i picked myself up- i embraced help from my peers/teachers, i figured out what method of studying works best (pro tip: studying for math? look over the basic rules and do thousands of practice problems. science that isn’t math based? quizlet and khan academy. history? quizlet.), i learned that it’s OK to get a grade under a 90/A-. it’s going to seem tough at first, but just remember that you’re adjusting to a completely new environment and work ethic. you will get through it!! please shoot me an ask if you ever need help i’ll always answer. (edit: also do ur homework!!! it could be the difference between a B+ and an A-.)

5. imagine the crustiest person in your grade right now. now imagine them trying to hit on a kid that’s four years younger than you. gross, right? that’s exactly what a senior hitting on a freshman is like!! do not do that shit!!! there is NO reason why a senior should be trying to hook up with you when they’re 17-18 and you’re 14-15. that shit is NASTY. do NOT date seniors (even juniors are sketchy).

6. high school is where you will probably encounter alcohol/drugs/sex/etc at some point. do not be pressured!! if you don’t wanna smoke or drink then don’t do it (if you’re with the type of people who pressure, you better run). ive personally never had an experience where i was pressured, and people were usually respectful, but i can’t speak the same for everyone else. wanna get fucked up and party with your friends? be careful! i’m not promoting underage drinking but lets be honest a lot of kids do it. no sense in trying to pretend like that isn’t the real world. if you’re invited to some party by someone you KNOW has a bad rep, then don’t go!! you’ll have more opportunities.

7. if you’re worried about SATs/college admissions exams, you have a year. kids in my school are kinda crazy and were studying freshman year which made NO sense to me. end of sophomore year/beginning of junior year is usually adequate (plus- the main rule with SATs/ACTs is that you should take the test NO MORE than three times- that’s three chances!! i personally did well on my SAT, so if u have any questions feel free to ask me.

8. back to the point of pressure - if you’re going to a gifted and talented program/school, you will most likely feel academic pressure. with so many bright and smart peers, your standards will end up being much higher than the general population. i’m speaking from experience.

9. student government is usually a popularity contest. if you don’t win, don’t beat yourself up. if you do, congrats!

10. take pictures! save holiday cards! make memories!! i sincerely regret not taking photos (with me in them!!) during my freshman and sophomore years. there are a lot of great memories that i didn’t record because i was too embarrassed to get in front of a camera. i’ve learned that i’d rather cringe at a photo i look bad in in the privacy of my own phone, rather than not have a picture at all.

11. start developing good studying habits right away. what motivated me was getting cute/colorful pens, highlighters, erasers, post-its, etc., and making my notes look really pretty. i have my own personal post-it collection now. if you find ways to make studying even remotely fun/interesting, it will be extremely beneficial in the long run. i remember the summer before my junior year, i was excited to go back literally because i wanted to use my new pens.

12. this is a future piece of advice, but i would say there’s a 99% chance that you will be friends with mostly different people by senior year. you might have a core few, or a bestie, but myself and many others know that there are people who we were best friends with freshman year that don’t say hi to us in the halls senior year.

13. listen, there are gonna be some snake ass bitches. there’s no avoiding it. just don’t pay attention to them!! they get off on thinking they’re better than you. the best way to no longer deal with someone you don’t like is to just not associate with them. i’m obviously over simplifying these situations, but its usually not that deep. if it’s to the point where it’s causing you a great amount of stress, then it may be something you need to talk to a guidance counselor about.

14. please. do. not. run. and scream. in. the. halls. who do u think u are?? it’s 8 AM i don’t want to hear your screeching voice as you run into 7 people!!!!!

15. the freshmen are usually the joke of the school. you’ll hear you guys referred to as gremlins in some way, shape, or form. just deal with it, you’ll understand when you’re no longer freshmen (unless someone’s being unnecessarily mean!!).

16. make friends with your teachers!!!!!!!!! stay after class to have a little conversation with them. email them after school. bring them gifts on major holidays. IT WILL PAY OFF. letters of recommendation? done! need a teacher to sign off on something? done! minorly messed up in class? they’ll let it go bc they like you! this will also probably result in an increase in your character/participation grades.

17. make a travel pack that you keep in your bag - a few small bills,  pads/tampons (for those who need), pen, pencil, bobby pins, nail file, hair elastic, gum/mints, small perfume, band-aids, charger, etc.

18. thrift books sells books for really cheap!! also, ALWAYS check other places before ordering from normal bookstores (i’m looking at u barnes & noble)- they’re most likely cheaper.

19. i’m not gonna be one of those people who is like “school is the best!! it can be great for anyone if you just try!!” bc that shit aint true. it might suck ass for some of you. just know that high school isn’t your life. some people act like your life ends after high school. we’re 14-18 years old and still have so much to learn and see. if you set up a countdown to the end of high school your first day of freshman year, so be it.

20. your teachers are people too. they’re not there for you to use and abuse. they have families, problems, LIVES. they also have 3289472 students besides yourself, and assuming they should put you above the rest will only end up in disappointment.

21. social media is not all that matters. esp in this day and age, people will definitely be using snapchat and instagram (and hey! tumblr too). but don’t think you need social media to fit in. one of the most popular girls in my school literally made her instagram just the other day. to reiterate: it’s not that deep!!

22. you’re gonna change a lot (which is ok!!). freshman year i only wore hot topic and watched supernatural & doctor who. now, i just watch cooking vids and fawn over shawn mendes. it’s ok to change!! even just though freshman year you’ll change. i know i got like. super gay

23. if you find yourself having free time (or having study hall), do your homework!!! once you get home you’ll probably get distracted/lazy. what i used to do was go to my local library after school and get all my homework done so that i wouldn’t leave my school mindset and not wanna do anything. even if you don’t get everything done, you’ll thank yourself later.

24. there’s a difference between “forming your own opinion” on someone and completely ignoring their reputation/what your friends say. i can’t tell you how many people have gotten burned by the SAME guy in my school because none of them even kept in mind the warnings they had heard about him. it’s ok to give people a chance, but remember that most people’s reputations hold some truth (but not everyone!).

25. this seems pretty obvious but like. be nice. don’t talk mad shit about people you don’t know. rumors fly FAST in high school. what’s even worse is when they’re not true. fact check your shit if you ARE gonna gossip.

26. ok last point (for now). everything is gonna be new. there’s no getting around it. you WILL feel out of place. you’ll most likely be anxious. but everything will end up ok (cheesy, i know). the first week of high school is one the scariest weeks you’ll have in high school. things need time to settle. you’ll make friends, you’ll find things you like, you’ll be happy!! enter high school with a growth mindset. it may not seem like it, but your attitude WILL impact how things turn out.

overall, you guys will be fine. good luck to all of you !! if you have any questions or need advice on a specific thing, please feel free to send me an ask!! i’m always here. love u bbies