#but like. idk the cases where i have felt my love most fully HAVE been some superhero comics

[wellnoe]

i know a lot of us here who love superhero comics are here for certain characters but also like. if you are hitting a wall with superhero comics and are finding them frustrating i have found that reading other comics is key!! to loving comics!! there is so much out there from independent creators from people compiling resources of historical comics there is so much to see and delight in and more and more i find that these kinds of comics are becoming foundational to my love for comics.

[k-s-morgan]

TGSTLTH related

Ok so I decided to do it here cuz I don't know will AO3 allow me to write essay hahahahah 😂😂😂

I don't even know how to start this. I've been reading fics for 13 years straight, like I don't remember the period of my life where I didn't read them cuz I always have some ship active and I'm crazy BL fan. Only a small number of them can make me crazy to the point I don't wanna sleep, eat, skipping my obligations, killing the pain and your sebaciel did everything. I haven't felt like this reading fic..,maybe ever? This is totally another level of me being fascinated by some writer.

I adore sebaciel, I'm in fandom since 2016 but the biggest problem I had with their fics is that - either people go too much OOC with them orr they rush up the things between them, going quickly with sex and feelings. It bothered me so much so I was crawling for good SC fics as crazy!!

After some break with SC, I came back to ao3 and saw your long fic. I started reading it but I dropped it after 3 chapters, I got bored cuz I thought you are gonna just re-type manga and do classic thing which another people do. Quickly, I got disappointed with another one and idk how but I decided to give your fic one more chance and dear lord......that was one of the best thing I have ever read. Maybe even the best.

Like, how smart are you? What's your IQ? Your manage to explain me some things about Kuro plot which I haven't udnerstand by myself. And the way you write Sebaciel relationship. That's everything I have ever wanted. Everything. They have normal conversation and that's it, that's all I need cuz there is everything. I feel electric every time when they talk, fight, do things together, goood the little touches svbjhsdjvbvbvbvbvbsdjvhbdf. I was tense whole fic. I read it for like 10 days, abandon everything until I finished it and now I feel sad ahahhaahha. But you are really something special, cuz I always used to say that manga itself is the best fiction cuz Yana knows the best how to create good Sebaciel energy. You, next to Yana, did the best job. You kept them as they are, never broke the character, and that's what I am most grateful. Slow burn, with drama and angst, love and attention, all misunderstanding, you put all necessary spices for 5 star meal. My fav part is when Ciel told Sebastian to add slamming doors to his most dramatic moments of his life ahahahahahahhaha 😂😂 I laughed like crazy, they are so precious♥ And I really wanted kiss to happen when Ciel lied Sebastian about another demon, that was sooo svbjhsvjhjhvbdf. But okay, you know the best, I trust you fully with this♥

The fact that they are ready to kill each other before they have normal conversation about their feeling is my fetish. I am in love with toxic things. Ciel ready to throw all game just to prove Sebastian that his value is not only his soul, right after he told himself for 1000 times he needs to stay on distance..... I LOVE ITTTT!!! I also need to say that you find PERFECT balance for good plot and romance. Your games and their cases...I just don't know, deep bow for you queen🔥💯After all, you didn't retype drama ahahaha but you manage to keep it canon without changing anything but still adding your spices so it's not ordinary Kuro plot we see every day....

I just have one question. From time to time, I was like a Bard ahahhaha, so sick of their games and my head hurting me, but on a good way. I am clear about Ciel but what about Sebastian and his disgust for Ciel's nicer, soft, emotional side? I know Ciel doesn't have it a lot, but would Sebastian still be grossed out about it as he was at the beginning of a contract or not? Keeping in mind that he is more and more obsessed with a boy?

So, that's all. I don't know how to use Patreon/PayPal, but for you I'll try cuz I only have credit card and that's all I know ahhahaha, I like to keep money in my hands😂 I'm sad about the situation in your country and all under - war countries. It's not bringing any good for anyone, specially for civilians. I hope you are okay and I wish you alll the best, the good karma must hit you really quickly cuz you made one person really, really happy here♥

Looking forward how will you finish this story, have a nice day❤

PS - this is the longest comment for fic I have ever left ahhaha, it's crazy how you got me sooo hyped up bjcvsdghvbds.

Hi! Ooh, thank you so much for your amazing, wonderful essay! I can't tell you how happy it made me! I think the electricity was already started being cut off when I got it, so I could see I have some really lengthy ask, but it wouldn't load. It was the torture of the most delicious kind :D

Like you, I've been reading fics for ages now, and the moments where I find some fantastic story that won't let me sleep or work or even blink are always the happiest and the brightest spots I remember. So it's extremely flattering to know that my story has become something similar to other people.

I love writing about smart characters, but most of them are definitely smarter than me! The benefit is that since I'm writing, I can think and plan everything in advance. In real life, I only wish I were as quick-witted and inventive. Alas, the best ideas and arguments come to me when they are no longer needed.

I love slow burns, and I love characters who abhor the idea of expressing their feelings, so Ciel and Sebastian have the most perfect dynamic in my eyes. I feel like I could spend the eternity just enjoying their Gothic world with their games, arguments, plots, and so on. Them antagonizing each other only to instantly team up against the common enemy is my most favorite thing in the world.

As for your question, right now, Sebastian would be thrilled if Ciel were to show a softer and more vulnerable side - at least in relation to him. Well, a part of him would feel the automatic need to mock him for it anyway, some habits don't die easily, but Sebastian's feelings have evolved a lot, plus Ciel is cold more often than he is not. So Sebastian treasures every word of praise, every hint of appreciation and need because they are so rare - he's come to crave them, and he has memorized all known cases of them by heart.

And no worries about supporting me! I really appreciate you taking your time to leave such a fantastic review, it made my day!

[g-kat423]

If Alcina being a lesbian is so important to you why does she have an ex husband in your fic

I’m going to assume this is a genuine question without malicious intent so I will provide a real answer.

This could actually apply to 2 of my fics, but I’m guessing you’re talking about Something Sweet since it’s the one that I update more frequently.

Gonna plop this under a read more since it’s gotten long

Alright, so, the reason for her having an ex husband has been stated throughout the fic. She felt she had to be closeted and to meet certain expectations set for her both by society and by her parents. Sure, people are more accepting now, not that there isn’t still bigotry or pressure to conform, but with the fic taking place in 2022(I started it in 2022 and only a few months have passed in fic time and while I never explicitly stated the year, that’s what everything is based off of, giving Alcina a 1978 birth year and the reader 2001) that means Alcina got married in 2008. Idk if you were around during that time, but homophobia was rampant, being gay was a punchline. It’s not something you would talk about, there’s no way to know if your friends would actually stay your friends and not spread vicious rumors about you. Marriage equality in most states, not a thing. Again, bigots still exist, but it’s generally not this life ruining thing for people to find out you’re queer. Alcina would have come of age in the 90’s which would make that even worse.

That aside, I tend to explore themes of coming out later and families not being being accepting because it’s all I know. I tend to process my trauma through my writing. That and I’m sure it’s no secret that I’ve taken heavy inspiration from Carol only with a sugar baby twist. I also wanted her to have younger, biological children since I felt that would be fitting of a 44 year old divorcee rather than having adopted adult children like she does in canon. Sure, they could have been adopted or older, but there needed to be a reason for her to stay with Kurt for the amount of time that she did. I needed her connected to Karl in someway too. Heisenberg was originally supposed to have a twin brother so I went off of that and now Alcina has her annoying ex brother-in-law(who actually isn’t so bad in this universe, but Alcina won’t hear of it)

As for The Fall of the House of Dimitrescu. I’m sure no one is asking, but in that case Alcina was weak from her hereditary blood disease and didn’t have the energy to be defiant the same way she was as a child. Her father had lost his wife and he had no desire to continue caring for Alcina so he set her up with somebody who she reluctantly went along with. In that case, Alcina wasn’t even aware of her attraction to women yet, she just didn’t understand why she didn’t feel a spark with her soon to be husband. She also assumed it was normal for sex to be an unpleasant “wifely duty.” Once she finally made the connection and had an affair with a woman, turns out she liked sex quite a bit lmao.

Idk, all this aside, I know I’m not the only one who has given Alcina a husband in some context yet still fully believes shes a lesbian. I also have plenty of fics where she’s never had one. The first multichapter fic I wrote she literally left her home and privileged life behind to struggle until she made it as musician rather than marry a man. I don’t think it’s a crime to explore other possibilities. I have so many different headcanons for Alcina and all are universe dependent whether that be modern AU, the canon compliant timeline where she never marries, the canon compliant timeline where she does, and all the other in between stuff that diverges from canon. She’s one of my favorite characters of all time and I love fleshing her out.

[targaryenluvs]

So hello, I think I placed this request is someone else inbox and it’s so embarrassing. So I hope you're having a good day/night. I was wondering if you would consider the crows × teen! reader. Like the one you have done, because I love that. Maybe she has her first crush and everyone is reaching in their own way. I just really want to see kaz glaring and staring at the boy and is scared him so much. (Protective dad)

-🦢

this is shorter than most since i’m in a rush but enjoy!

Where'd All The Time Go?

kaz brekker x teen!reader, crows x teen!reader, oc x teen!reader

warnings: cursing, yelling, intimidation? (idk if that counts) kissing

You’d tried so hard to hide him.

Elias, or Eli as you called him was amazing. You’d meet him whilst shopping with Nina and you couldn’t keep your eyes off of him.

He was the son of a Pub Owner, but he wanted to be more. His ambition matched yours, so did his personality. The two of you got to talking and ended up conversing for hours. To the point where Jesper had to run around and try to find you which lead to you lecturing him on the fact that you were sixteen and able to handle yourself at night.

On the way home you begged Jesper not to mention it to anyone except Wylan. Wylan would never tell a soul and Wylan would make sure Jesper never let it slip. You had wanted to tell Nina but she would tell Matthias and you weren't sure if he fully understood the concept of a secret relationship and Nina had a particularly loud personality.

So you snuck around, Eli also worked as a Barkeep and would sometimes pick up on information left out in the open by inebriated customers which he'd relay to you.

You were able to sneak him books, his father wanted him focused on running the bar one day but you knew it wasn't what he wanted out of life.

You'd spend the time you usually set aside for leisure time to spend helping Eli study. It was too risky to bring him into the Slat or the Crow Club since you knew you'd run into someone you knew who'd question you for his presence.

Eli's mother knew about the two of you and loved you a lot, you were well-mannered and educated as well as gorgeous. What's not to like? And you loved her too. She always had something to give you, a trinket, a book etc. One of the things you adored?

Her cooking. Gosh it was like being transported to heaven. She herself was half Zemeni and it was always nice to have someone appreciate your culture.

Sometimes you showed up just to talk to her.

When his parents were out and two of you had the place to yourselves you loved to cook together. It helped you imagine a future life together, peaceful and sweet.

But when his dad was in you'd sneak him into your place.

And you'd always been so careful, until today.

You had a few drinks at a local tavern, perhaps a bit more than a few but who was counting?

Eli had gotten himself a secret job at the biggest Library around with the only problem being that it was so close to Pekka Rollins turf. You knew if he found out about Eli he would be used to lure you.

Instead of scaling the walls to your bedroom you thought that walking right inside would be more fitting. "I'm so hungry E." You whined as Eli laughed, "I'll bake you something. Make you some eat."

You giggled, "What in the Saints are you on about?" Eli pushed open the door as he frowned, "Don't mock me, that is a very rude thing to do my love." As you walked in you felt at home, quickly you lead him upstairs as fast as possible, along with a few trips on the stairs.

But your swift escape was foiled when you ran right into Kaz.

"Y/n." He spoke in an angry tone, although anger wasn't new in Kaz's case. "Kaz." You replied in a low, mocking tone. "See now that's mocking babe." You laughed, but Eli wasn't.

"What's wrong?" He laughed drily, "Nothing, just the fact that he's staring at me like he's gonna skin me and maybe shoot me in the head to finish it off." That brought out a smirk from Kaz, "Would you suggest another way to ward off unseemly boys from trying to get with a girl too high above them in every way.

"Aww how nice of you to say so Kazzle. Come along E." You smiled but as you walked Kaz grabbed your wrist before swiftly pulling back.

"You can go upstairs but he cannot. Leave. Now."

"That's not fair! He's my guest and my boyfriend he can do as he please."

"Boyfriend?"

"I mean a friend who just so happens to be a boy. Goodnight!"

"Y/n."

"Yes she's my girlfriend and there's nothing you can do about it. She's a grown woman and not a little kid with a crush, I know who she is. She's not stupid and you know that. Y/n wouldn't risk getting into a relationship if she didn't know the person and if they weren't a good guy. I love her with everything I have. She always pushes me to be my best and half the things I've been to scared of doing she held my hand and led me through it. She taught me so much and I'm forever grateful. She's absolutely gorgeous, intelligent, articulate, well-spoken and overall an incredible woman and I'm forever grateful she chose to be with me and I will always treat her with the upmost respect because she deserves nothing less."

"And E is a good guy. He's sweet, and genuine. He always knows when I'm in a bad mood and he always knows how to cheer me up. He cooks for me when I can't be bothered. He reminds me to clean up, he knows everything about me and I him. No I haven't met his father yet but that's because he's an ass. His mothers an amazing woman and incredibly sweet to me and treats me like I'm her own. And not only is Eli an amazing guy but he's super pretty!" You exhaled and inhaled quickly.

Eli stood with his jaw dropped and eyes bulging. "I- Y/n." You sat down on the stairs with him as he sat next to you with his hands clasped with yours.

Kaz was stunned, and he hadn't been speechless in forever, his fast thinking and wit was one of the main reasons he survived.

Inej and Nina were standing with Kaz, a bit behind him.

"I think I'm going to cry, I wish Matthias would say something like that to me."

Inej smiled, she'd always known you'd attract suitors, you were nothing short of stunning. But the Barrel had no shortage of annoying, immature boys and she was thanking all her Saints you had seemed to find the best.

Kaz looked back at her, Oh how he wished he could say that, express all of his millions of thoughts and praise. But it was too hard, so he looked back at you to see Eli smiling whilst resting your forehead on his.

And so he relented, "Leave the door open halfway and if you try anything I will drag you through the streets attached to a wagon and then let the Crows have a go. It's been a while since we delivered a proper beating."

"Yes sir." Eli nodded, you were surprised his head didn't fall off with how quickly he nodded.

Kaz sat back down at his desk and opened his locked drawer, grabbing one of the old notes you use to leave him, it had a drawing of a flower, your favourite, a Black Dahlia. And he couldn't help but sigh.

Where'd all the time go?

[yumedoca]

Heres a ransdom thought experiment

Yoy are now rumiko takashi writing UY , what is a story beat youd chamge or just a story youd like to read as you have control of the characters

Hai there, hope you're doing great!!

Yay, I love questions like these!! Thank you for the ask anon and here we go ;)

Ryunosuke. Just mostly Ryunosuke, haha. I've never actually found her dad's joke of preventing Ryu from getting what she wants funny and it was more irksome than anything, and it sucked cuz Ryunosuke's great! But what's worse is that she never gets a proper resolution about her feminine wants (even though that was the main point of her character in the first place) and it was just dropped and ignored in the end, so it never felt like her character got a true resolution. I feel like a good way to write Ryu would be to keep the relationship with her dad the same for the most of her story. And then in her last few chapters have them talk out and be in proper understanding for once. Shigeru Chiba, Mr. Fujinami's remake voice actor (and Megane in the old anime), states his view on his character in his character comments:

(Also Shout-out to Shigeru Chiba, he's awesome. He's just so great lol, literally the guy ever.)

And the idea of Ryu's dad raising Ryunosuke to be male because he doesn't want her to leave him is a great idea!! I'd make it like that's the true reason why he does it and somehow they're pushed into a corner where he's forced to admit it to Ryu. He has shown to genuinely care at least a little about her (I'm pretty sure he protected her from the boys of class 2-4 that time she lost her chest wrap) despite how he usually acts. So have them reconcile, have Ryunosuke say she'll stay with her dad if he accepts her for who she is and have him accept her feminity as a result and allow her to act and dress the way she wants. Boom! Problem solved, both sides win and Ryu's dad is made more likeable while Ryunosuke's story has a proper conclusion.

RyuNagi. It's still about Ryunosuke, I know lmao. Anyway, I've discussed how I feel about the ship and other stuff about it here (read it if you haven't so what I say about them would make more sense). It's a bit all over the place discussing various stuff about them but I'll just copy-paste the bit where I talk about how it could be done better..

It had so much potential. Nagisa had to be introduced much earlier and they should've had more chapters together. Maybe, they could've made Nagisa and Ryunosuke discuss and bond over their stupid upbringing, maybe Nagisa could feel bad for Ryu, after hearing how much she wants to be a proper woman and how much her dad stopped her from enjoying herself and maybe help her enjoy things that her dad didn't allow her to (Christmas, Chocolates, etc.) and Ryunosuke fully falls for him because of his kindness... Then their romance would've felt even more natural.

I think the RyuNagi growth would take place before Ryunosuke's reconciling with her dad in case you want a timeline and by that time Ryu would properly be into Nagisa so the romance between them still stays, even after her being effeminate.

Introduce Inaba a bit earlier and give him another storyline with Shinobu. I feel like we still don't know much about Inaba and his dynamic with Shinobu entirely and that's like my only issue about Inaba and InaShino really, so have a storyline after they started dating where we can see how they bounce off each other and truly show that they're perfect couple, idk I just want more cute stuff for them, maybe Shinobu stands up for Inaba when the other bunnies bully him, maybe we get to know more about Inaba's interests and hobbies and maybe we can have the gag stuff be silly interactions between them and maybe Ataru (and Lum) spying on them or something idk.

Give great characters who don't have much spotlight what they need. Oyuki is a good example of this since she appears the least among Lum's alien friends. I saw someone online state that Kurama should've been brought back later on, instead of just disappearing, and could've attempted to mate with Tobimaro or Shingo; and I totally agree with it.. For the former, it could worked as an Asuka plotline and could've been a great arc and for the latter, it could be chaotic since Shingo doesn't know how to respect women. These two are the main examples but there may be others..

And that's all that comes to mind now. These are like the major, main ones and there might be others but they're probably incredibly minor or I just forgor about them..

[lauronk]

Hi I need you to know that your bad things happen bingo 'knife to the throat' fic absolutely wrecked me!!

It was such a perfect like canon divergence and was written so vividly that I felt like I could imagine everything as it happened

I really hope one day there's a follow up to how things change and then Tommy and Maria seeing what happens, but if you don't plan to, do you have any headcanons or ideas about how things would change?

Thanks again for giving me the perfect fic to read over the weekend!!

first of all thank you so much this is so unbelievably kind

second, i am kind of toying with writing a follow up? because honestly this is one that i could have written another 10k on and i made myself stop where i did. but if i do it'll be a minute because i have [pause for counting] three other things i'm actively working on rn

BUT i will share some follow-up ideas/headcanons under the cut (mainly in case anyone wants it to remain a surprise if i ever get around to it)

they wait out the winter in jackson, so they miss the entirety of silver lake (i haven't figured it out yet, but i still want david to die because [kim kardashian voice] it's what he deserves)

during the months they spend in jackson they have some nice sort of chill time, both of them getting a sense of normalcy

joel still kind of freaks out about tommy having a baby but it's not quite as bad bc he's also not in the headspace of forcing ellie to go with tommy, her being abducted has already sort of pushed him into the well i guess i have a kid now sort of mindset

but he is still fully struggling with the i'm too old too slow can't protect her gonna get her killed sort of feelings that have only been amplified by her getting abducted and him not being able to stop it

would love for joel and maria to have a good heart to heart because i will always support the j&m besties agenda, i love maria so much

when the weather clears they leave for the university and of course find nothing there

possibly? find remnants? of silver lake? but most everyone has died? idk on this part yet but there's no joel getting stabbed and ellie getting locked in a cage

continue on to salt lake city, get there and find it abandoned because marlene et al have since given ellie (and joel and tess by extension) up for dead and think their attempt at a cure is over

because they left as opposed to being killed, there's not much left behind in terms of their plans or anything, and j&e can't find indication of where they've gone or anything (oh no how sad 😐)

takes some doing but joel convinces ellie that they need to go back to jackson, promises to keep an ear out for any potential leads in the future for a cure

ellie of course has Feelings about not being able to save the world, joel does his best to help her through them

they go home

golf averted

the end

so, more or less, another massive fucking section lmao honestly i didn't realize how much i had in my head for it until i started typing it all out here haha

[screamingwiththewolves]

Even as a kid, I thought vampirism as depicted in the SS books doesn't make sense. Every creature, human or animal, living or undead bitten by a vampire turns into one. If vampires need blood regularly and have existed for centuries the entire world population would've turned into vampires, or they would need to kill every person they feed from which wouldn't be sustainable in the long run.

In the books, vampires that live in GHOUL communities have special pipes alongside water for blood but GHOUL hasn't always existed.

I suppose that hunting animals would solve the problem, but it never made sense to me that even zombies could turn into vampires since they're already undead and don't even have any blood to drink.

yeah, admittedly vampirisms being transmitted by just a bite was never my favorite trope. It can certainly make sense in some stories/plots, like when vampirism is treated like an illness. But when Vampires are treated as a species it doesn't make much sense in my opinion. Same logic with werewolves. The only story I've seen that treats werewolf's like a species, and still gets away with the bite thing, is Wolfwalkers. and that's because it does such a great job of showing that the lycanthropy of that film, is a gift to be bestowed, or a curse to enemies. So it works.

That all being said, I can also appreciate the silliness of vampirisms being transmitted to any creature via just a bite. In the case of the Scream Street books, it creates a situation that is just absurd. But, like, in an enjoyable way? Like it's over the top, camp, chaotic, ridiculous. It's like a tart cherry pie. Usually, I don't like cherry pie because it's so tart. But sometimes I crave a cherry pie specifically for the tartness. You get what I mean?

I guess if you wanted to have your cake and eat it to, one could theorize that such easy vampirism is specifically something of the Negative lineage. Maybe their bites transform others into vampiric minions, where as with most vampires that's not an issue. Maybe that's why their last name is "Negative" because their bites come with "negative" effects. Could even be a reason Resus's ancestor helped found Scream Street. He may have felt that doing such would keep their mutation from causing more harm. (could also be why he stays in a hibernation mode rather than enjoying his undead existence.)

Or, second theory, it could be that it's due to something that Ghoul did to the vampires in their facilities, like experimentation or adding something to the blood supply. They've certainly done far worse. Heck, maybe the thing about the supply coming from the drains of the world is a lie to began with. Making a supplement certainly sounds easier than a complex blood gathering system. After all, if the vampires thought that the blood supply was from a pipe system, when they'd be fully dependent on the Scream Street facilities. And we all know how much Ghoul loves anything that gives them more power over the cryptids. Furthermore, I'd make sense if they were particularly controlling of vampires, as vampires are a more threatening creature, they have a lot of powers. We don't see the Negatives have a lot of powers, but I'm willing to bet that's because they were raised in Scream Street. They've been denied a lot of things, and likely don't know the full extent of their powers.

Idk, just some theories that came to mind while thinking about all of this. (screw Ghoul, they are awful people) :D

[thebonerpit]

Idk if anyone follows my posts enough to even notice this but you may have seen me talking about a lot of new things I've watched so far this year, both tv and film. I kind of made a mini resolution to do this because I found, especially at the end of 2023, that I was stuck in a rut of either rewatching old things or mindlessly flipping through YouTube videos I had little to no interest in. There's so much media out there I'm interested in and now I feel almost reinvigorated to go through it and I've been having a blast.

Most of the time I'll probably just reblog a gifset or two with thoughts in the tags but I finally watched the Interview with the Vampire tv show and I have FEELINGS (mostly good)! Spoilers for season one and I do talk about book things that eventually happen so beware in case you don't know and want to continue the show completely blind...

So I kinda put off watching this at first because the Vampire Chronicles books are some of my favourites, and while it did have its own issues, the 1994 film holds a special place in my heart. I was like... do we really need anything else? But I'm glad I gave it a chance because the show was able to go so much further in so many aspects and also now we have a chance to actually see even more of the book events take place!

I'm gonna say up front that almost every character felt very different from how they are in the book except for Lestat. Lestat was actual perfection and I cannot BELIEVE someone did a (dare I say) even better job than Tom Cruise who gave the performance of his life in the film. Sam Reid's Lestat is unhinged and dramatic and terrifying and sad and cringe and yet also loveable and it was a masterpiece of acting. For the majority of the other characters I really didn't mind the differences and in some instances I thought they were actually improved. Daniel Molloy, for example, who is basically Anthony Bourdain? Perfection. Louis who is yes kind of pathetic and dramatic like the book, but also is volatile and complicated which Lestat is drawn to right from the beginning instead of only after having his little breakdown caused by his brother's death? Excellent. Armand who is older and looks nothing like the Armand described in the books but I can see without any problem how Marius fell madly deeply insanely in love with him because he's GORGEOUS and has this unsettling serenity about him? Give. Me. MORE.

The only issue I really had was with Claudia. I see people praising her all over the place so I'm sure this is an unpopular opinion but I hated that they aged her up so much. The most compelling thing about Claudia as a character is that she is an adult woman trapped in the body of a literal CHILD. A pre-pubescent child. Not a teenager. It's absolutely horrifying and it should be horrifying. Now, I will say, I saw an article where they talked about part of the reason behind this choice being that they needed the actor to work longer hours and it was impossible for a kid to do that, plus the very intense material, and I fully FULLY support any protections for child actors because the industry is insane. But it does make me sad and I wish there was some way they could have worked around it. I get what they tried to do with teenage Claudia but it just fell flat for me. And also the actress really looks her age (I think she's 20?) so like the few times where people were making fun of her for "playing dress up" or whatever I'm like... she fully looks like an older teen at LEAST what are you talking about lol. Also I thought her accent was kind of bad.

But honestly, that was really the only problem I had with the whole series. I absolutely loved how they went full-on explicit with the Lestat/Louis romance and the chemistry between the two of them was... WOOF. I was actually really interested in the modern portions too, mostly because Anthony Bour-- I mean Daniel Molloy was so entertaining lol. I loved how he pushed and pushed at Louis and their whole back and forth was brilliant. Although putting on my archivist's hat for a second to be outraged at Daniel consenting to wearing the cotton gloves to handle the diaries but then eating a fucking sandwich right beside the book???? Absolutely not lol. It was so much fun to see the Armand reveal (which I was spoiled for somehow but that's ok) especially knowing that Armand eventually turns Daniel and boy oh boy I hope they go long enough to get to that. I loved the continued references to Lestat's love of music which makes me hope they're planting seeds to make rock star Lestat a little more believable lol (god can you even imagine?? And we don't talk about the Queen of the Damned movie ok).

As for S2, I'm so excited for Paris and the Théâtre des Vampires and HELLO Ben Daniels as Santiago!!! Omg so hype for that. And it's going to be so interesting to see the Armand/Louis relationship as well because I mean it's always going to be Lestat/Louis and Armand/Marius for me so Louis being like "he's the love of my life"... girl. (And speaking of Armand/Marius please GOD give us some flashbacks because they are my Vampire Chronicles OTP and I need to see that whole story including my girl Bianca thank youuuuu).

Yeah so overall I'm quite positive about the whole thing and sincerely hope that they get many more seasons because there's so many interesting stories in those books and we've only ever gotten a TINY portion on screen.

[quillkiller]

1,4,18<33

thank u!!!<3

1. what’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

that no one is responsible for your feelings but yourself!! my friend said that once in passing several years ago and i've genuinely taken it to heart and it has changed how i live my life and view my relationships:)) i can feel sad and excluded or left out or hurt or jealous but it doesn't actually mean that's the case. it can, obviously, and that's a whole other matter, but sometimes it really is just a feeling that needs to be felt and isn't anyones fault. i can't be angry over something that genuinely doesn't involve me. it has helped me overcome jealousy especially

another one is that yeah sometimes i feel as if my friends hate me or im convinced no one wants to be around me but: it isn't kind to have those feelings about your friends who love you. obviously communicating what you're going through and what you're feeling is good but if you're dedicated to walk around convinced that your friends hate you then you're not really a very good friend to them. talk about it instead, examine where it's coming from, etc etc etc. it's an act of discrediting your friends love for you, while they're actively loving you and supporting you.

4. tell me your most vivid memory, good or bad

the most vivid memory i have as of late is the day i moved out of mine and my ex girlfriends apartment. it was also the same day the queen died adjkfdakjfs. anyway it's genuinely one of the worst days of my entire life and i can't really describe it. she was staying behind in the apartment that we had been sharing and we were packing all my things into boxes, my mom came to help, then my dad, and the entire air was just. heavy. we were both crying a lot and once my mom had driven me to her apartment, where i'd be staying until i figured something out, my knees couldn't really carry me anymore. and even then i had to help my mom and dad carry all my boxes up to her bedroom. i genuinely can't put into words the impact it had on me. like idk. just removing myself completely from the place we had shared. saying goodbye to the kitchen i had loved and learned to be a better cook in. the bedroom door was closed and i didn't open it because the room didn't belong to me anymore. my ex dropped a vase that shattered on the floor. i had two full panic attacks where she had to lay on top of me on the floor because i couldn't breathe. me and my ex hugged for a long time before saying goodbye. we told each we loved each other and we used to have a saying which was like 'nothing can ever happen to you. no strike that, everything has to happen to you' which we did whisper to each other before letting go. anyway!!!!!!

18. what is something you can't bring yourself to let go of

lmao not to be a broken record but i have a box of things with stuff my ex has given me. notes and letters and small gifts, which i'm still unable to fully get rid of. i haven't looked in it once since the day i moved out. not because i miss her, because i very genuinely don't, but more because of what she's done to me etc etc bla bla bla and i'm not really ready for the panic attack of reliving it. she was not very good to me and its taken me a long time to fully realise, understand and accept what ive been through

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

how do you feel about nolan’s batman/scarecrow?

i’m not fully sure what you mean here. like, as in how i feel about the characters in that movie or that version of the pairing? 

but either way, i don’t hate it! i don’t hate any of batman movies tbh. no matter, how different or hella campy they are compared to source material, i still can see smth redeeming in them. i’m generally somewhat lax n’ chill with superhero movies/games. in most cases, i’d be more nitpicky toward cartoons/newer comics, than i’ll ever be toward cinema or video games. nolan’s batman falls into that category too. it’s not my fav batman movie by any means, but it has its moments.

besides, i believe that it was the first dc’s newer *2000 era* cinematic project back then, n’ i happen to watch it as a kid, so i have somewhat nostalgic memories about it as well. i also must say, that the tone of nolan's dark knight was very different compared to more campy, playful batman movies till that point. so it was nice change too. very unexpected turn in a way.

personally, for me it was hit in some places n' a fairly big miss in the others. for one, i get why a lot of people were annoyed with who nolan chose to play the scarecrow, since yes, it is strange to see a character, who canonically was considered to be far from pretty *to put it mildly* suddenly becoming basically an opposite of it. but tbh, i usually not very sold on who they pick to play characters in those movies. so it’s not like i tend to be 100% pleased in that aspect. n’ i do find it somewhat amusing, that for once, jonathan can be a real ‘princess’, both in manners n’ looks. it took some getting used to for sure, but i’m not super-duper upset about that change! i feel like i would have more inner dissonance if that batman movie, where nicolas cage was about to play crane had actually happened lol. i mean, it could have been interesting tbh, bc i cannot imagine cage being tame in his performance, esp back then. so maybe it's actually too bad that it didn't happened, bc we might have gotten the most over the top jonathan crane, who ever existed. like, you see jim carrey's riddler n' there is still no riddler to this day to top his exaggerated, campy performance lol. n' i have this vibe here too. i can bet 10$, that nick would have improvised in some scenes, n' like licked batman's face or smth. .... ah man, now i kinda wish that it had happened, dang.

but uh err, back to nolan's movies. if i’m being completely honest here, my main pet-peeve with nolan’s scarecrow wasn’t his looks per say, but rather how little he was presented in those movies in itself, and how nothing was really going on there for him. it really rubs me the wrong way, that he wasn’t even his own thing, just a pawn for another batman villain to use. he was never allowed to play a major role in anything, despite *might be wrong here tho* how nolan said that he considers the scarecrow to be batman’s real arch-nemesis not the joker, so this is why he used the scarecrow first. the scarecrow being batman's real fuel is smth i’m 100% sold on, and it all considering, that i actually love the joker as character. but like, the clown gimmick is basically antipod to literally everything lol. him being batman's 'fuel' always felt kinda idk, a bit lazy to me. at least, make the black mask or two-face his arch-enemy, this would be way more nuanced vs the clown, who's just hella insane n' have zero morals. so if nolan was also one of those people, who felt that the joker can be put aside for a moment or two, n' let another old batman's rogue shine, welp, he didn't implemented said sentiment very well in his movies.

there was a lot of room to do smth with crane’s character. to flash him out in newer ways or craft him more specifically for the setting, that they had going on. batman 2022 actually got this bit right. their edward was still very riddler-like, while also possessing enough ‘original’ elements to make him exist within the movie’s narrative/tone perfectly. he felt like that movie's main villain specifically n’ he played the part. n’ it all considering how he also was on the screen for idk, 20 minutes at max. but his presence was important n’ left an impact. not hannibal lector from silence of the lamb level, of course, *you cannot beat a suspense masterpiece after all* but still, it was smth. n' it was one of those things, that made me like the movie way more, than i expected.

with this in mind, now compare it to how we had to sit through a long ass movie, where we were teased with the scarecrow being the main antagonist. only for it to turn out to be a lie. instead, crane was taking the back seat to ra al ghul. just degist this sentence. he wasn't even bested by the joker or bane. but by ra flipping al ghul. like out of curiosity, i asked a couple of people, who have very limited n' slight knowlege of batman's media as whole, but who watched nolan's movies, n' i asked them who was the villain in the first movie. and they all were like 'the scarecrow'. no one even remembers ghul. an' it's not bc crane did smth big in the movie, but it's bc no one really cares about that past lore, where ghul was bruce's teacher. everyone only remember, that he kinda died or smth, when the cave/building collapsed lol. granted, i’m also bias here, bc ra al ghul is one of those batman’s villains, who personally bore me. and naturally, him stealing the spotlight from crane doesn’t win him any brownie points with me. but like, idk. this is just so unfair to the scarecrow. i mean, his iconic fear toxin wasn’t even released by him or on purpuse, which had me like ??? as a kid. bc it just made zero sense. it would have been the same, if i dunno, a clock king in btas had released joker’s laughing gas, all while the joker himself was just sorta/kinda there. just idling in the background without any proper input, aside from being the one who created the said gas lol. this is what had happened there. so yeah, it was a very awkward way to make bruce's old asshole teacher revelant again. also jonathan being a drug dealer *kind of* an' having a 'business plan' is so hiliriously opposite of what he usually did in the comics/btas. maybe, he could have shared his knowlege of how to make money with other cranes, who are usually broke as hell lol.

n’ well, if i had to be nitpicky here, i also was disappointed with how little thought they put into crane’s scarecrow costume. the excuse of ‘they tried to make it more realistic’ doesn’t work on me, bc catwoman in burton’s batman was designed with the same idea in mind, n’ her costume was freaking awesome n’ creative. but oh well…it is what it is.

as for nolan’s scarebat version, well, i don’t mind it. i love comic/btas crane n’ bruce the most. love jon as that socially inept, unsightly, closeted gremlin, n’ bruce as a low-key emotionally stunted, but still sympathetic hero. but aside from that, i can see an appeal in a good-looking scarecrow, who might have the power to sway batman with one smokey look. granted, jonathan already acted all whorish around the bat in the movie, so it’s not hard to picture him trying to seduce his way out of an encounter with batman just bc he feels that he can do it. so just this one time, crane can have it ‘easy’, when it comes to wooing the big bad bat. there is also smth funny about people expecting the fearsome scarecrow to look literally anything, but how nolan’s one looks. an' i also must add, that i've read a few of nolanverse scarebat fics an' usually the authors doing a better job at flashing out crane, than the movie did lol. so props to them for that!

[emberphantom]

Thanks for your reply!! I can reassure you that Glenn's "out of ideas for s16" thing on the podcast likely isn't something that warrants concern (I've listened to all eps), because he's been saying that's been the case since iasip s2 and that ultimately it's probably best for the creative process to go in blank because those ideas tend to be the funniest (relatable writer insecurities). Charlie and Meg said they want to pitch simple ideas again after watching the early seasons so there's hope :)

Of course!!! And honestly that’s such a relief to know that it Glenn’s just always like that lmao. Like I said, I haven’t been keeping up with the podcast --I fell off after the Fight at the Hamburger store episode and haven’t been back since -- so it’s good to have the context for that. 

TBH out of the three of them it’s always been Rob that I’ve been worried about the MOST when it comes to the integrity of Sunny. Glenn’s my fave I literally put him on a pedestal but also I feel like now we PROOF that sunny is clearly better with him in the writers room. Like it made such a difference having him back for s15. And Charlie (to me--again based of vibes) always seemed the most indifferent, and like maybe little on autopilot when it came to writing the past couple of years. Idk to me s12 is like the last that truly felt like Sunny to me. Sometimes I forget that I have to watch beyond that when I do a rewatch lmao RIP. I do love some of the s13 and 14 episodes but those seasons as a whole fell flat. s15 has some of that back so I’m hoping they get even better with s16. So if Charlie is back in the make Sunny Actually Good camp, then I have faith. Like Charlie and Meg along with Glenn can fully bully Rob into submission. I believe in them. 

Sunny is best when it’s a show no one pays attention to--and then they feel like they can do whatever they want. I want the assholes that didn’t give a shit about winning an emmy. I want the gay-ass love story that won’t play in middle america but they’ll jam it down their throats anyway. Pandering to the vocal mainstream audience is something Rob probably will entertain. But Rob also says he listens to people “smarter” than him and that’s where  Charlie+Glenn+Meg come in to tell him to stfu. Celeb cameos can work if they’re funny (they’ve done it before) but it has to be someone so absurd playing something ridiculous to work on Sunny. Or in this case RR as Mac’s BF bc him and Rob are joined at the hip and if I have to see you both shove your stupid soccer team down my throat, you BETTER kiss each other on the mouth i stg. 

[moomoocowman]

Overthinking

I’ve been lied to, used, abused, lead on, patient, but most of all ive been kind through out my past. Did it leave almost near permanent scars in my brain yes and i hate it every day for it because of my over thinking and mistrust in things. But i was always kind. I was always who i was fully knowing of the end in things and how i didnt want them to just was out of my hands so i did what i could.

I need that constant reassurance and communication that constant need to talk mostly because of my past and not to use it as an excuse but i genuinely am terrified all the time because i love so hard in things. My heart is big and delicate. My mind it wanders because it wants to go find something of comfort and stop there to finally rest. When i know a certainty its like part of me just stops and puts the brakes on for alittle.

This is all just me dumping and pouring alittle for my own benefit in kind of putting this out in the universe the internet idk that i am who i am i feel what i feel i know what i know, genuinely. Like i just keep going i keep trying because i know what i want in my life. Whether it be my job, my school, family, love life, etc. i want to give what i know i can give to every one of those things. I wouldnt say i wasted but i chased so many things in my life even the things i knew were bad for me, but now i want to make every moment count. Every decision better for me and my well being. As much as i consider the world i need to consider myself. Its always the little what about me’s that come out and have the biggest difference.

I once was close with someone who i had feelings for for 5 years. I did what i could i cared how i do in that aspect knowing they knew my feelings, but they did not have them back. Seeing them get into relationships and what not because obviously they didnt have any feelings for. But I still let them in my life and got close to me still to only be that placeholder to them. I watched and cared from afar for 5 years. Finally, that what about me came out and we stopped talking. I was also called a blessing and a curse that day. Maybe i am.

Maybe i am the biggest blessing because i can show people what kind of heart and care one person can give and or deserve. The attention and value emphasized because its how it should be. The kind that says “i never want to lose you in my life because you are a big part of it.”

Maybe i am the biggest curse because throughout time i am here waiting. This background character who is doing what i do. Someone who also has needs and wants. Someone whos afraid to speak up because throughout my past from family and people where i did but was either used, lied to, bullied, or felt like one ear out the other like it didnt matter. So when i did put my wants first that “ never want to lose you” turned to not fighting how i fought. And i guess thats okay because again, as much as it effected me mentally i learned things. Im a strange case.

[ilaiyayaya]

I LOVE CONSUMING MEDIA!!mediarahan

Dam I just realized I've been on a stuff watching fiend the last couple of days, like normally on average I watch like, maybe 2 full anime per month, if even that, and like, 1 normal person movie (debatable) per like, 1 or 2 years (I watch very few films), but I've watched way more in the last 3 days alone than in some entire years. I've watched like, 2 movies (which is a BIG number) and like, 7 anime (counting individual seasons separately), and I have like 3 more anime started (that I will NOT finish for a long time because too long :pensive:). I've been reasonably productive too, I've just actually used my non-productive time watching stuff instead of the usual spending 10 hours trying to decide what to do with my life.

I watched mooovie, movie good, movie cool, I watched Wild Zero, a trans classic the only thing I knew about it beforehand was the iconic scene, and pretty much the only thing I know after is the iconic scene and like, the word fuck! It wasn't bad at all but like, there was too much going on I could not at all keep up with it, which to be fair I was watching it only like 20% conscious but I think even if I was fully aware I still would barely know what was going on. Like I could probably kinda give a plot synopsis if someone forced me to at two gunpoints but it probably wouldn't be very accurate, but like Guitar Wolf is kinda a funny existence. I felt like I needed to watch it at least once, like I hear about it all the time, for the obvious reasons but also just because of it being a fun movie, and it was, it was fun I enjoyed it, definitely worth watching even if the plot was a bit everywhere, would recommend.

I HAVE WATCHED FREDDY GOT FINGERED TWICE IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, I HAVE INADVERTENTLY STARTED A DOMINO OF EVERYONE IN A DISCORD GROUP CHAT ASKING "can I see it too? :taps_fingers_together: I HAVE HAD TO SIT THROUGH THIS FILM TWICE IN LESS THAN 1 FULL 24 HOUR PERIOD AND IT IS ENTIRELY MY OWN FUCKING FAULT!

I traumatized someone :) it's fine tho they deserved it, he uhh idk he probably did something to deserve it at some point. Genuinely one of the worst movies I have ever watched, but like in a way that's kinda fascinating and like interesting and kinda worth it despite it being horrible and awful and arguably traumatizing and bad and generally just not a good thing to watch. Like it's horrible in such a specific way where it kinda integer underflows into being fascinating and great and fantastic and one of my favorite movies but also easily my least favorite movie and I hate it and it's awful and I would never recommend anyone ever watch despite that I have convinced several people to watch it over the years, in most cases literally by telling them NOT to watch it, which I actually should've known would just do the opposite, like I literally sometimes recommend people to watch stuff by telling them not to watch it cuz i know that'll make them watch it out of spite BUT LIKE THIS IS THE ONE EXCEPTION TO THAT I LIKE ACTUALLY MEAN IT WITH THIS ONE!!! I have like no way of describing my feelings on that movie, aside from just, I hate it, it creates a feeling no other piece of media can or ever will, and I also don't want any other piece of media too because it's overall a not fantastic feeling but also it is nonetheless unique. My friend said after watching it that he "reached a zen" after finishing it, like it just does that, it just incites feelings nothing else can, for better or worse, mostly, entirely for worse tho. It's not quite as enriching or valuable as Kony 2020 IT'S NOT ON YOUTUBE ANYMORE IT'S GONE NOOOO KONY 2020 IS SO GOOD IT'S A CLASSIC! ICONIC!! good thing I have it saved as an mp4, now I can forever watch it and nobody else ever can, only me >:). I watch Red Letter Media like, super infrequently, like maybe one video per 3 years, but like their video on Freddy Got Fazbear'd is the only breakdown of that film that I agree with at all, like it's pretty much just an hour of them saying "things happened" and that really is the only way to describe the movie, things happen, and those things are awful, but like in a cool way, but also not in a cool way, rather an awful way, but like, in a cool way, in a unique way. Don't even watch the movie just watch that video there's not any extra value anyone could get from the movie itself

ANIME ANIME ANIME FOMO FOMO FOMO I need to get away from that fucking movie as quickly as possible I LOVE IKA MUSUME IT'S SO GOOD IT'S SO CUTE!!!! Very-Azumanga Daioh-core, but more my sense of humor, more unhinged, less slow, more Azumanga Daioh-YTP-core than actual Azumanga Daioh-core. But like I like it's really fun, it's funny, it's cute, I really like the characters and it works as an extremely good palette-cleanser after watching trauma film! Easily the best part of it are the characters, like I don't think there's a single character I dislike, even the types of characters I don't usually like, like Kuroko, I hate Kuroko, fuck Kuroko, but like the Kuroko-like character in Ika Musume was like, my 2nd favorite character, Sanae is great coughs up a little blood. Nagisa is definitely my favorite, her fear of Ika is so over the top, it's really unfortunate that she has like, no screentime in the 2nd season, like she's involved in maybe 2 bits for the entire season, and they're really good bits, but they're so few and far between. The top MIT graduates are also really good, every single bit with them is so fucking stupid, also I was watching the dub for most of it but occasionally switched to sub for certain episodes and I was very surprised that three stooges is what they're actually called even in japanese, but yea they're funny I like when the old one hits his special volleyball and breaks his hand. They graduated at the top of their class, they're top MIT graduates... Ika Musume is pretty good I like it it's pretty great I have thoughts about it and words to say about it, yeagh AW FUCK MASSIVE MISSED OPPORTUNITY TO JUST SAY SQUID PUNS THROUGH THIS ENTIRE SECTION IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO FITTING well too late now too eepy to put any actual effort into bits zzzzzzz

rember when squid girl was in splatoon? i rember. good times. what if i removed the entire freddy fingor section and also removed that film from my memory can i do that why do i rember that movie but not like, 2/3rds of my life the human brain fucking SUCKS!

I- I watched more stuff too, I just forgor some of it, I could just look at my list of things I watch but that's cheating. I watched most of Girls Band Cry but like, that's not finished yet so I didn't actually watch all of it and therefore I can't talk about cute band yuri yet. I rewatched Smiling Friends and the first like, 10 episodes of Gravity Falls but those aren't real they're fictional, fictional media isn't real I can only talk about nonfiction, like Ika Musume. I also watched, I watched uhhh

[inthiseternalmoment]

Leaving for Tokyo soon

I’ve been hit with romantic saudade out of nowhere for the first time in a while as we’re packing to live in Tokyo for a month.

04/20/2024

Today is apparently the Jupiter-Uranus conjuction, a rare and incredibly significant celestial time where the energy will be felt before and after for a while. On top of that, the ascension symptoms have been moving through me like waves. Each time it does, I feel better equipped to respond to it by feeling it through a little better than the last wave.

I give the above as context before I get into what brought me back to journaling tonight: a wave of saudade has hit me and I need to get these feelings out.

We were watching an amazing documentary on what it meant to be Japanese, and one of the subjects was a half-Japanese, half Belgian man named Tetsuro Miyazaki.

Hearing him speak I started realizing that I found him incredibly attractive. I was explaining to A that he wasn’t necessarily what the world might consider as the most “conventially” attractive man, but that obviously doesn’t matter to me. His voice, his accent, and his physical appearance were incredibly attractive to me, to the point where I started having trouble paying attention to what he was saying.

His accent had some similarities to the Brazilian accent, which is one I find incredibly attractive. I don’t know why this is the case, as my exposure to these accents has been nonexistent up until recently. I think my Brazilian tattoo artist had recently brought this (preference?) to my attention, and since then I have been figuratively scratching my head wondering what all this means.

Combine that with A deciding to randomly play bossa nova music as we began packing for Tokyo, which led me to add more music to my saudade playlist, which THEN led me to look up the definition of saudade because I forgot it.

I haven’t felt this longing feeling in SO LONG. I think my response to it this time is no longer one of anger or invalidation. But to be honest, I feel sad as this hits me.

I want to make sense of the significance of this certain kind of man, Brazilian-esque (Belgian-esque?) accents, saudade, “Austin”, and everything else that has surrounded my longing journey.

I want to be held romantically. I want to be kissed. I want to make love with the man I have a deep connection with.

I’ve felt evermore disconnected from the outside world I used to know. I still feel incredibly lost.

I don’t know if I’ll still have my current job by the time we untether. I don’t know what will and won’t be in my life by then either.

…

I’ve decided that if I’m feeling just as lost as I am now after Tokyo and my family’s visit in June, I’m going to book that session with Crystal Clair.

It’s not that I think I’m disconnected from my own guides/higher self - I just feel like maybe it hasn’t been relevant for my journey to have “clear” communication with them so far. Why? Maybe so that I can make choices without relying on strong higher guidance?

Actually, that might not be fully true. When I pivoted my neck tattoo as I felt I was getting messages, I saw the confirmation messages validating that I made an aligned decision with pivoting. So I do have communication/connection…it’s just very quiet and subtle.

I’m finding that I just need to trust that everything really will be ok and work out for my highest good. My human’s only job is to follow my joy and feel all the feelings that come up as I’m moving through life.

I don’t know what to do with all the breadcrumbs and puzzle pieces I have right now, but maybe that’s because it’s all meant to come together as my journey unfolds.

I’m starting to feel balance returning to me. I thought that maybe this longing would last longer but maybe I’m becoming more proficient in sitting with my feelings so there’s no need for them to ruminate anymore? idk.

Who knows, maybe the saudade will come again in another hour 😓 but that’s ok! Then I’ll feel it through like I am now.

Thank you for listening. My deepest gratitude to you.

[n0toverit]

tw talk of sh and scars

last week i talked to bf that i was feeling a little sad and upset that a lot of my scars are fading and being much less noticeable which is a good thing you know i don’t need to be reminded of those times and blah blah i get that but that’s such a huge part of my life going away from me and it was a way of coping for 8 or so years of my life and i feel like if i have nothing to show for it then it must not have been for anything in some sick way like it wasn’t enough in a way when im fully aware that’s not the case the fact that it was something i went to from age 10 to ‘help’ myself on what i felt and what i was dealing with in life it’s understandable i guess but from such a young age to be doing that until after i was 18 and it had become an addiction from maybe a couple times a week to 3-4 times a day and getting to a point where i felt like i was running out of space in my preferred areas and that alone said nothing to me about how much of an issue i was having and i know it now it was a big problem and it was a big part of my life and im happy i dont do it anymore but it’s still something i fight with every now and then and it makes me feel like none of it was worth anything if most of it is going away at the same time i hate myself sometimes for even putting so many scars like that all over myself i feel so damaged because of it so i should be happy they’re fading which i am but im definitely more upset it’s so weird to deal with but i told bf about it and i thought he would be upset about it but he was really understanding like he sat and listened and let me fully explain how it is for me before even giving any input which makes me feel even worse about it because he’s always checking in on things like that with me and he’s so caring and loving that i feel bad even thinking how i do about being sad they’re going away or feeling like i need to put more just so i can see them i feel like it’s such a sick way of thinking about it idk i will bring up in therapy though bc he does know ab self harm history we just don’t rlly get too into it on first appt but ill tell him ab it next week but o was thinking ab it today and felt like i needed to get it out of my head

[llycaons]

ep46 (3/3): this is what it's all about. but I talk about surgical policy and jc's innumerable issues for several paragraphs first

this is legit one of the most achingly tender scenes, maybe the moat romantic and beautiful until the very last shot. or even more so. debatable. I really love the last shot. but we're starting with...torture

so in order to wrap my head around the truly absurd prospect of someone being awake for 36 hours straight AWAKE given that the pain and physical stress of surgery would cause way more issues, I'm going to assume that the pain wen ning refers to is only partially physical. the rest is what he describes above - the spiritual pain of tearing out the core and feeling that life and energy drawn out of him until he's empty and cold inside. that makes sense to me. the ramifications of having a blood-and-guts awake operation for that long is dizzying. that is straight up torture

ALSO saying he couldn't have painkillers and had to be awake is such a blatant angst-milking from mxtx. usually the story toes the line just enough for believability but this (and wwx living on the streets as a 4 yr old too, tbh) really stretches the imagination. not that homeless young children don't exist but it seemed like wwx really had NOTHING and he hadn't starved to death or frozen or been mauled despite frequently being attacked by wild dogs so idk it seems like a lot to accept. ANYWAY

god this is so depressing for wwx. so I don't want to critique wen qing because modern medical ethics around surgeries were decades in development and it was kind of an unusual situation, but I really don't think wq should have done the transfer. wwx was a healthy individual with a very high risk of death from this procedure. according to some googling (I know), the highest risk for a non-emergency surgery is an exploratory belly case, with a 47% chance of death.

surgeons can and do refuse to operate if the risk is too high (which is partially about surgeons maintaining their numbers, but still). and jc didn't medically need this surgery, so there was no risk of death on either patient. wwx pestering her to try shouldn't have even mattered...like not to deny his bodily autonomy but that kind of medical decision would never fly today. also jc didn't consent blah blah but actually he did? it wasn't fully informed but he knew he was getting a gc from somewhere. also you could argue he wasn't in his right mind but I'm not the surgery police so whatever.

obviously that's not the point and I'm not castigating wq for doing a favor for someone she felt she owed deeply and probably preventing jc from like killing himself, but I can't help analyzing it from a modern periop perspective bc that's kind of what I'm trained for

god, I kind of wish jc had died though. sure it would have been rough and wwx probably would have been hounded by guilt forever and the jiang clan wouldn't have been restored bc jyl would have never gotten the kind of support she would have needed, but ummm maybe wwx could have married lwj + convinced him to help the wens and jyl could have married jzx and it would all have been fine? no, that's silly. jgy was still out there, and if he'd killed jzx and broken jyl's heart then wwx would never have let the matter go. well it's nice to dream

btw I read a fic once where he died and it was a really boring modern AU. jc is a really great rich character I would miss him I'm just SO sick of him these days. start weeping again IDIOT

*glares at the fanfic that made wwx say he would rather die than be ordinary*

REGRETFUL FLASHBACK TIME!!! strictly speaking lwj didn't NEED this the way jc did because he always changed his ways but he wouldn't be lwj if he didn't take it hard. and he's already been supportive but I can see this making him even more caring and attentive bc jesus christ what a thing to learn

aw yeah the elbow grasp. I love this shot. so many point of contact

wwx bitterly reflecting on what a brat jc's always been - petty, looking to hurt, brash, saying anything as long as it gets a reaction. you'd think he'd grown out of it but wwx seems to be resigned to the fact that he just hasn't grown up at all

...so THERE fanfic author that make him react happily when jc insults him! canonically he dislikes it and is annoyed that jc can't grow the fuck up! it's so annoying when fics make jc the mature one to wwx's silliness bc that's literally the opposite. jc being mean and harsh doesn't mean he's mature and it's really bizarre to see people take him so shallowly. and if reconciliation is to happen jc HAS to get over this he HAS to mature a bit and not act like a bitch when he's mad and take out his rage irrationally on other like that!!! even if he blames wwx for jyl it makes zero sense to blame lwj for his parents he just wants to cling to a justification bc otherwise his life's tragedies have made zero sense. anyway he has issues

awww he was worried about lwj! dw baby I don't think he cares what jc says about him

oh my god it's shijie 😭 the music going I'm going to cry. he sees her in the woods he sees her in the water he loves her so much he misses her she was everything to him love and safety and parent and stability and affection and family and he's never going to stop loving her or missing her is he! I'm miserable

and of course wen ning is like ? and then she vanishes and wwx feels so lonely and empty and sad he just repeats what he used to say to her bc she understood when he needed comfort bc showing love and family through food is such a huge theme in this series

here's what I don't get. why did wwx do this himself and then have lwj scold him?

that isn't very tender lover of you lwj!!! who cares if the lake has an owner, wwx is hungry!!

god wn is so funny here sitting with his lotus seeds <3

what they should have done was have this happen FIRST! lwj sees wwx is hungry and reaches down, breaking the stem and the precepts in one fell swoop! anything for his beloved, who he's just realized has been through even more terrible suffering than he could have imagined! I like to think they get there and he's still not used to this, but come ON writers!

all else being said, it IS a very romantic scene. even if wwx looks flabbergasted like that. like, touched, but also very confused

and HE LOOKS TO WN FOR CONFIRMATION I love that moment and wn is like nodding like yeah young master wei! it's okay! he loves you! yeah it is a surprise he did that isn't it! but it's okay! let's eat some lotus seeds! what a sweetheart

nice shot of wwx looking happy for once in this goddamn episode. happy ending to this awkward yet very sweet impromptu comfort food-stealing boat ride

omg I forgot that it's from the jin clan. fics will have the lans use these ALL the time.

and this is so funny too he gets so excited the boat rocks and lwj has to steady him

I always loved this opening shot for yunping! so so colorful

I had to delete some other shots bc I love this so much. excited about being remembered like this

and then so happy!! this is one if his most enamored looks. sappiest. most in love, even

personal highlights: this is such a delicious episode. SO satisfying

all of wwx's longing looks staring at the ancestral shrine. gutting

wwx sideways acknowledging just how much myu punished him

jc really pressed all of my buttons but in ways that made the response from lwj and wn really satisfying, so I guess he was a team player for that one

that one shot where jc looks just like his mom? their mannerisms are SO similar

wwx stopping lwj with a hand an inch from his pelvis region. awkward and yet very intimate

lwj pushing jc away from wwx very roughly and then so so tenderly bringing wwx to safety

wen ning's passion + excellent memory

jc sobbing. YESSS CRY

"let's quickly take young master wei away from here'

my epiphany that wwx's surgical pain is partially spiritual. it's still pain but do not take this away from me I can't understand it otherwise

elbow grasp 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

wwx complaining about what a terrible personality jc has always had

'I'm hungry' 🥺 and after an awkward stumble lwj came through!!! yess that's what wwx needs

wwx's adoring and pleased little smile at the very end. he's in loovveee