#but like. realizing i can just. recall some actors names???

[strangesickness]

it has been so weird getting into live action film in the past little while because prior to late 2023 i was basically only into video games, comics, and cartoons (i have pretty bad face blindness so i can find it difficult to follow live action movies, especially if characters have similar hair or clothes. top gun maverick was a NIGHTMARE for me), and now i'm like? recognizing actors? it's kind of weird to think that when i'm my parents age kids aren't going to know who. chris evans or like. finn wolfhard are. and i'm going to do the exact same thing my parents always do like "what? you don't know who chris evans is? he's only captain america!" and the kid is going to be like... "why would i know who captain america is...? that movie came out before i was even born... no one cares about captain america these days gramps" and then i'll go to bingo or something and cry about it.

[shijiujun]

A Summary: The Spirealm | 致命游戏 (Kaleidoscope of Death 死亡万花筒 Live Action) & Why You Should (Eventually) Watch It

Talk about the most short-lived drama release ever, not even totalling two hours if I recall. Creating this summary as I've seen a handful of confused friends, so here it goes!

It's going to be a long review because I sped through all 78 episodes and only properly watched the first two doors, but I got you. You'll get both the brief book rundown and the drama parts!

If you just wanna see the bromance (LOVE) parts please skip to section 4!!!!

1. Overview

Title: The Spirealm (kinda awful I'm sorry it's a mouthful) or 致命游戏 which means fatal game

Adapted From: Danmei (BL) Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu

Novel Prints: There are GORGEOUS Thai, Vietnamese, Simplified and Traditional Chinese versions printed, AND Singapore publisher Rosmei has signed the license for the ENGLISH version, probably going on sale this year (preview is here). You can still access fan translations by Taida on I think wordpress and someone else on Tumblr sorry bad memory (they did half and half each) if you'd like to read it for context. It is one of my FAVE danmeis EVER and I am a die-hard OG book fan, check out my full danmei review here.

Total Episodes: 78 (20 minutes each with the exception of last episode which 10 minutes, with several BTS not that I think we will get to see all of them yet)

Where to Watch (LOL): Erm considering that iQIYI China AND International took the episodes down, there is no legal way to watch this, BUT thanks to some cnetz with super fast and great wifi, we managed to get ripped HD versions without subs. iQIYI is very hard on copyright though, they've taken down several subbed and unsubbed versions already on YouTube, but you should type the titles of show into Twitter and the top tags will tell you where to access the raws and very little subbed episodes, that may also be taken down at any point. I have the Chinese raws but as it's hosted on a cloud, I had to pay to access it.

Main Characters: Lin Qiushi & Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie (in the novel) and Ling Jiushi & Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie (in the drama)

Produced By: iQIYI so for SURE they won't film it fully BL even if the original is, but I've seen enough bromance cuts

Main Actors: Xia Zhiguang (Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie) + Huang Junjie (Ling Jiushi)

2. Summary

Book (drama follows closely if not removing the supernatural premises): Lin Qiushi, a designer, opens the door to his home one day from inside and sees 12 iron doors outside. Confused, he opens one of them and arrives at a snow covered village in the mid of winter, and meets Ruan Baijie, who's a pretty, unusually tall and whiny/timid woman. They realise that they're in a horrifying door game, and they'll have to find a door and a key to get out, while battling a long-haired, human-eating deity. They, along with a few others, have to survive day after day until they get out, and on the first night, two people have died in gory ways. Ruan Baijie and Lin Qiushi partner each other, and despite seemingly timid and crying all the time, she saves Lin Qiushi a few times mysteriously, and Lin Qiushi finds himself trusting in Ruan Baijie.

They get through the door together and when they leave successfully, Lin Qiushi realizes that the people who died in the door will die in real life by some freak accident too - car accidents, forced suicides, a robbery gone wrong, a lift trapped in the air and going ablaze, and more. That night, Lin Qiushi wakes up to see a super handsome and tall Ruan Nanzhu at his bedside and this man feels familiar to him, but he can't put a finger on it. All he can think of when Ruan Nanzhu says his name is Ruan Baijie (ahem he would later find out who it is of course). Ruan Nanzhu takes him to his mansion in the suburbs where he meets a group of other people just like them, who're forced to go through the doors for survival. Ruan Nanzhu then invites him to join Obsidian, his organization.

Through various doors, Lin Qiushi grows and supports a super intelligent and powerful Ruan Nanzhu, falls in love with him, gets through many many scary doors with him and some of their other team members, makes friends, loses them to the cruelty of the doors as they ponder over what the door means, and what being alive/dying means.

And at the end of it, at the end of of it all, when they're all good and living their life, Lin Qiushi also finds out what Ruan Nanzhu's secret is, and the lengths to which Ruan Nanzhu went to, just to be with him.

Drama: Ling Jiushi is a VR game designer who gets pulled into a game, and he meets Ruan Baijie (in his male form) right off the bat (SO NOT CROSSDRESSING I AM SAD). All the parts are actually the same as the novel, albeit with the game setting and Ling Jiushi and Ruan Nanzhu's identity adjustments to suit the game premise. Most of the other doors and their lines are the same, just that the ending is a bit more confusing than it could be. There's a big bad as well and they actually show the opposing organizations when in the novel, these other organizations aside from Obsidian didn't even actually have a face or goal to them.

3. Characters

^ Them in the book (based on manhua that never got to go live LOL) (RNZ/RBJ left, LQS right)

^ Them in the show (LJS left, RNZ right)

Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie: MY HANDSOME CROSSDRESSING INTELLIGENT ALOOF BUT WHINY (WHEN IT COMES TO LIN QIUSHI) SASSY BOSS!!!! He's super mysterious and super thick-skinned too, and all he wants is Lin Qiushi's attention the moment he meets him. He's intrigued by Lin Qiushi's calm and his brains and the way he handles things, and has a lot of trust for him right from the get-go. This is also shown in the drama itself. As the leader of Obsidian, he cares a lot for his team members and his friends even if he doesn't show it most of the time, and the last thing he wants to do is lose Lin Qiushi, and he would do ANYTHING for Lin Qiushi, ANYTHING!!! Just look at him whining:

Ling Jiushi (Lin Qiushi): In the novel he's super calm, has quite a lot of brains, a little bit of a blur in the beginning but he's super smart as well. Worries a lot for Ruan Nanzhu and is also a loyal friend to some of his only friends, and feels a lot when he loses them. Falls gradually in love with Ruan Nanzhu in the novel, like they just belong together. In this drama, Ling Jiushi holds that same trust for Ruan Nanzhu, but in demeanour he seems a bit more like a klutz and and not as cool as he was in the novel, but I guess it's acceptable. Literally like the only thing he loves more than RNZ (maybe) is his cat Chestnut LOL and RNZ is NOT really happy about that but Chestnut LOVES RNZ

Yixie and Qianli: CUTEST TWINS ;-; WHO TREAT RNZ and LQS as their big brothers LOOK AT THEM BOWING AND RNZ/LJS like parents LMAO

A handful of other characters who will keep turning up and get your hearts ;-;

4. ALL FAVE BROMANCE MOMENTS + TROPES

THEY TOUCH EACH OTHER A LOT LIKE HOLDING HANDS AND TOUCHING FACES, PIGGY BACKING?!?! DID I MENTION FACE TOUCHING

WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP THEY HELP EACH OTHER WHEN HURT OR GET HURT FOR EACH OTHER

AND WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN BED THE OTHER IS AT THEIR BEDSIDE

AND DID I MENTION HE FEEDS HIM IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

AND THAT THEY DATED UNDER THE FIREWORKS LIKE THE NOVEL DOES NOT EVEN HAVE THIS SHIT

AND THE KABEDONS

AND FINALLY RUAN NANZHU RIZZ OMG

5. Settings

They REALLY OUTDID THEMSELVES. THIS JUST FROM DOORS 1-6:

THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE NOVEL DESCRIBED!!!!

6. Overall Thoughts

PROS: This was NOT a cheap production, I'm telling you, they followed the cases very well and there're a lot of super recognisable lines, if not ALL of them, even if they changed the cases a little. I think they did it because in the novel originally, the author DOES leave a lot of details hanging like someone dies and you know he had a background and there are some shady things happening but the author NEVER actually goes into detail. So the drama did their best to cover these loopholes, even if it felt a little awkward at times. Money went into settings and attires and every damn thing, this looks EXPENSIVE. And if you've ever imagined each door and the bosses inside in your head, you might have felt chills go down your spine because damn did they really colour the book's settings for me (despite its differences). DID I MENTION that Xia Zhiguang really got the damn memo and he was a passable Ruan Nanzhu/Ruan Baijie who knew how to turn on his BL eyes. PLUS they really did some of the character deaths really well - they're technically some of the biggest parts of this story so ;-; (not two main of course)

CONS (maybe): They did away with the supernatural/horror premise and replaced it with a GAME premise, which means that there's a scientific element to it and the try to explain away stuff with the game, including the ending. I don't 100% get the ending, but the feel/vibe is about the same. Might not be for hardcore reader fans tho! They skipped out on a couple of doors, some of which were my faves, but it's fine, it's long enough LOL. They give away/explain some of the clues and surprises super early which means you don't get that added boom at the back as well. Despite that, I have to say they tried to round up the loopholes from the book as much as they could and give it an explanation while tying elements/conspiracies across doors (probably also to save cast fees LOL). And as always it's not a solid ending, it's an open confusing one, and even more confusing than the book itself because THERE IS NO CERTAIN HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH HUBBY for it (there is in the book tho, they live together happily every after). Secondl,y, I'd say HJJ's acting is a bit stiff and OOC compared to the novel, but Xia Zhiguang really made up for it.

-------

HOPE THIS HELPS YOU GUYS!!! But I guess if you need subs it's going to be a long LONGGGG ride, considering that iQIYI doesn't seem to be going to be able to put it up anytime soon CRIES.

[aeskz48]

kiss me;

ivantill, 8.7k read on ao3

For a second he just stood there dumbly, eyes wide open. He heard a gasp from the side then a whispered, “I thought they weren’t actually supposed to kiss here?” Till hadn’t prepared himself for this, but he knew he couldn’t risk ruining the scene even more. Eyelashes fluttering, he closed his eyes and cupped Ivan’s face, kissing him back with fervor.

Till couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. Surely he had misheard, or maybe he hadn’t actually woken up this morning and he was still dreaming.

His manager looked as real as ever, though, staring at him with a hint of knowing amusement. He couldn’t stand her sometimes. (He loved her.)

“I thought you’d be excited,” she sighed dramatically, crossing her arms. “I guess maybe we should consider pulling out of the movie and – ”

His hand jerked out without his permission, fast as lightning, grabbing her arm. “Don’t even joke about that, Mizi.”

Her answering grin was all teeth. “They’ll want to do a chemistry read, first,” she put her hand over his. “Don’t get too excited. Nothing is guaranteed yet.”

For all they knew, he wouldn’t even get cast. Or if he did, maybe they’d kick Till off the project and replace him if their chemistry wasn’t promising enough. He really hoped it would be. But either way, he would be meeting him.

Till felt himself grinning before he could stop it, “I’m meeting Ivan.”

-

Till couldn’t recall the exact moment he discovered Ivan. To be fair, most people probably couldn’t. He was everywhere, it seemed – commercials, movies, television, even music videos.

What he could recall – as clear as if it’d happened yesterday – was the feeling he had felt. It was like a dam had opened and there was no stopping it. He realized he wanted more out of life.

He didn’t just want to continue being an extra on every set, the side-character who was killed off after one or two episodes.

Since then, he’d been able to build a decent name for himself. He wasn’t Ivan, by any means, but he was well-known enough to get the lead in an upcoming highly anticipated movie. And if the universe smiled upon him, just one last time, he would hopefully get to have Ivan as his love interest.

-

“I am running on exactly two hours of sleep, by the way.”

Mizi snorted, side-eyeing him. “I can tell,” she teased, and he knew it was just that: a joke but he still couldn’t help the sudden rush of insecurity.

As if sensing it by some form of magic, she slowed to a stop in the hallway and took his arm.

“You look great, Till. You haven’t even gotten makeup done yet and you still look amazing.” She squeezed his arm. “You’ve got this, you know that, right?”

He forced a smile. “Don’t you know confidence is my middle name?”

And usually it was true. If there was one thing he had over most of his competition in the industry, it was overflowing confidence.

Mizi smiled back, far more sincere. “Come on,” she said, tugging him along gently. “We don’t want to be late.”

-

Before the chemistry read, he went to get his makeup done as scheduled. Hyuna was no better than Mizi, grinning wildly as she gently applied a bit of concealer under his eyes.

“Let me guess,” she said, “didn’t sleep much?”

Till rolled his eyes, but made sure not to move. “I wonder if every actor has such a nosy makeup artist or is it just me?”

“Hmm, I would say you’re just lucky.” She winked and stepped back. “You look good enough to eat.”

He snorted. If he wasn’t so nervous underneath it all, he might’ve cracked a joke. Like how the only person he wanted to eat him was —

The door swung open, startling him. “Come on – ” he relaxed when he saw it was just Mizi. “We only have a few minutes.”

Quickly stumbling out of the chair, he rushed to her side and followed her into the hallway. As they walked toward the room set aside for their scheduled chemistry read, Mizi looked him up and down, not even trying to be discreet. Till made sure no one was around before quietly flipping her off.

Couldn’t tarnish his reputation and all that.

She giggled, light and airy. “I was just going to say,” she bumped their shoulders together, gentle, “you look good. Don’t let anything bring you down, okay?”

And he knew it wasn’t just empty words; Mizi had been there for him since the start of his career, long before he’d managed to actually make a name for himself. She’d been there with open arms (and an extra large pizza) every time he’d been turned down from a role, every time a casting director had scoffed like he was hilarious for even thinking he had a chance.

It had been hard, then, but motivating. He never wanted to be underestimated ever again. He thought he’d never feel so scared again, walking toward an audition room. It was a pointless fear. He had joked but surely they wouldn’t actually try to kick him out, even if the chemistry read wasn’t a success.

“Break a leg,” Mizi whispered just as they stopped in front of the door.

Till could hear voices through the wood. He concentrated and tried to see if he could pick out Ivan’s voice, in the sea of them, but he wasn’t sure if he could trust himself. He thought he heard him, a familiar drawl he had heard on television a million times, but he could’ve just been imagining it.

Mizi glanced at him, a silent question. He just nodded.

Without another word between them, she turned and opened the door.

-

Till didn’t even realize he’d been holding his breath as his eyes scanned the room: it was all the usual people – the casting director sat at the table with two other staff members on each side, a few other stray staff members were scattered around the room.

In the middle of all of them was Ivan.

He was smiling politely as others talked to him, a small quirk of his mouth. Till must’ve stared for a second too long because suddenly Ivan was lifting his head and their eyes met.

Till had seen him a hundred times, at least, through a screen but he wasn’t sure anything could’ve prepared him for this moment.

For seeing him, here, like this, in real life. Ivan was even more stunning in person.

Ivan’s smile stretched just a little wider, barely noticeable. Till should’ve smiled back but he felt like he was frozen.

“Okay,” the casting director – Luka – stood up from the table. “From what I’ve been told, this is your first time meeting, correct?”

Till didn’t even realize he was addressing them until Mizi gave a gentle nudge at his side. He flushed, standing a little taller. He might’ve been meeting his idol, for lack of a better word, but he was still a professional.

“Yes,” he answered, cursing the slight shake to his voice.

Ivan nodded. “I’ve seen him plenty, of course, but never met, no.”

Till felt a shiver down his spine. Ivan. Ivan had seen him before, too, which shouldn’t have been surprising. He had been on a number of notable series by now, but for some reason he still hadn’t been prepared to hear it.

“Wonderful,” Luka said, “Everyone – ” He did a little twirl with his finger, making a point to address everyone in the room. “Out.”

Till knew the process by now. Luka’s process, at least. He could be a little unorthodox. Usually he didn’t mind it, but right now he was already starting to feel sweat pool at the small of his back.

Mizi let out a tiny huff of amusement as she helped to herd everyone out of the room. Last to go was Luka, who didn’t even say a word before closing the door.

If Ivan was confused, he didn’t voice it. For a moment, the room was silent with just the two of them.

“Sorry,” Till said eventually, clearing his throat. He dared a glance in Ivan’s direction; he was standing just a few feet away, a thoughtful quirk to his head. “Luka can be a bit, uh. Unorthodox in his methods. He always likes to give actors a few minutes by themselves before starting the read.”

He was proud of himself; his voice was steady and clear.

Ivan hummed, but still didn’t say anything. Till took advantage of the moment to really look Ivan over. He was beautiful; dark hair swept back with a few loose strands, eyes lined with black – not too much, just enough to somehow make his dark eyes look even darker, his lips shined with a thin layer of gloss, skin clear and perfect.

The way his mouth was twisted, Till could even see his fang. Not literal, of course, it was just his canine – especially sharp and pronounced – but it had always been one of his selling points that fans seemed to like.

He looked like he was conjured up in a lab somehow.

And Till, well. He wasn’t naive. He knew he was attractive – wouldn’t have gotten this far in the industry if he wasn’t – but he felt lacking compared to Ivan, more than he had in a long time.

Without thinking, he reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to tame it. But the wild look was part of his appeal, Hyuna had always said. Made him stand out.

“Are you going to keep staring at me or actually introduce yourself?”

Till startled, yanking his hand out of his hair hard enough he winced a little. He opened his mouth, ready to apologize, but then he saw Ivan was smiling. Barely, really, more like a smirk.

Clearing his throat, he wiped his hands off on his jeans in what he hoped was a discreet move (he was still sweating like crazy) and stepped forward. “Why should I introduce myself when you apparently already know my name?”

He froze as soon as the words were out of his mouth. He was so stupid.

This was Ivan – the Ivan – and here he was already messing everything up because he never quite knew when to shut his mouth. He waited, expecting the worst. He wouldn’t have even been surprised if he’d pushed him out of the way and stormed out of the room.

But instead Ivan did the complete opposite. He gave a little laugh, eyes crinkling just a little around the edges. Till felt something warm blossom in the pit of his stomach.

“I haven’t had someone talk to me like that in, well, ages.” His eyes were still sparkling when he finally stopped laughing. He extended a hand. Till moved quickly before he could think too hard and just make himself more nervous. Ivan’s hand was warm, smooth.

Till knew his own hands weren’t nearly as smooth, from playing guitar. It was just a hobby he had picked up on the side, nothing more, but his hands still suffered for it.

“You must play an instrument,” Ivan said, startling him. For a moment, he wondered if he’d accidentally spoken his thoughts but then Ivan tilted his head. “Guitar?”

Till swallowed around the lump in his throat; Ivan’s thumb gently moved over his knuckles, once, fleeting, before he was pulling away. Maybe he’d imagined it. “Yeah. Um. Just a hobby.”

“I would love to hear you play, if ever given the chance,” Ivan said. Normally, Till would’ve brushed it off as empty words but there was something oddly sincere about the way he said it.

He dropped his gaze, focusing on the collar of Ivan’s shirt. Anything to make sure he didn’t keep staring at his face. “Yeah. Sure.”

Before he – or Ivan – could say anything else, the door was opened without even a knock. Till spun around as Luka entered the room followed by the rest of the staff and finally Mizi alongside a woman he didn’t quite recognize. He wondered if she was part of staff and somehow he had just never noticed her until now.

That question was answered quickly when she went to Ivan’s side. “You’ve totally got this,” she said, hushed but just loud enough Till could hear.

He wondered if that was true. Didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Okay, since I’ve given you both more than enough time to get acquainted.” Luka nodded at the scripts on the table. “Go ahead.”

Till forced his hand to not shake as he reached out and grabbed his version of the script; the part they’d be rehearsing, today, had been highlighted. It wasn’t too long. He just had to get through the scene without any mistakes.

He skimmed through it quickly, saw Ivan doing the same, even though they had both already read the script. Ivan, possibly only one or twice, but Till had read it nearing a dozen times.

So how did he manage to forget what happened at the end?

They didn’t kiss, not in this scene, but they almost did and that was enough to have Till suddenly rethinking everything. You’re a professional, he reminded himself, and tried to believe it.

He had certainly kissed plenty of people on set by now but admittedly he had never found any of them quite as alluring as Ivan.

Still, this was a chance to prove himself. He wouldn’t let that get in the way of doing his job properly.

“We don’t have all day,” Luka said, as impatient as ever.

Till resisted the urge to glare at him and simply set the script aside; it wasn’t frowned upon to read from the script during chemistry reads, of course, but he had the entire thing memorized already.

Ivan probably hadn’t been able to memorize it in such a short time but Till was surprised to find he set his script aside as well. He was always called an acting prodigy by media, the best the industry had seen in ages, and it seemed like it went beyond just a good performance on screen.

They both stepped closer to each other, waited until Luka gave the final nod.

All jokes aside, Till really was a professional. He felt like he was a different person when he got into character. Immediately he felt his eyes start to sting, his bottom lip tremble a little.

“You lied to me,” he said, voice thick with emotion.

It was surprisingly easy to look Ivan in the eyes all of a sudden. Ivan stared back just as intensely, reached for his hands. He held them, loose and gentle. “You know I didn’t have a choice.”

Till jerked his hands away. “But you promised me.”

“I know, I know,” Ivan’s eyes were glossy too, brimming with so much emotion Till had to remind himself they were acting. He couldn’t remember ever having to do that before. “But I need you to trust me, okay?”

Till swallowed. “I – I don’t know if I can,” he whispered, just loud enough for Luka and the others to hear.

Ivan frowned, looking thoughtful for a moment. “How can I convince you to trust me?”

He opened his mouth, closed it, cursed himself because – he’d fucking forgotten the line. How could he have forgotten the line? He dared a quick glance at Luka, who was watching him with slightly narrowed eyes.

He was so screwed. Ivan was definitely getting the role, no doubt, but not before Till was probably kicked off the project.

And now he was so nervous he was shaking a little, hopefully not enough to be noticed by Luka and the others but there was no hiding it from Ivan, as close as he was.

So much for being a professional.

Maybe it would be better just to get it over with and admit his mistake, take whatever consequences would follow, even if that meant being kicked off the project. Even if it meant not getting to work with Ivan.

But as soon as he opened his mouth, Ivan surged forward and kissed him.

For a second he just stood there dumbly, eyes wide open. He heard a gasp from the side then a whispered, “I thought they weren’t actually supposed to kiss here?”

The only thing that followed was silence, but Till knew the answer; he might’ve forgotten his line but he still remembered how the scene ended – Ivan’s hand on his neck, thumb stroking his jaw as he begged him for one more chance.

Not a kiss, but something close. The actual kiss came far later in the script.

Till hadn’t prepared himself for this, but he knew he couldn’t risk ruining the scene even more. Eyelashes fluttering, he closed his eyes and cupped Ivan’s face, kissing him back with fervor.

It was like something out of his wildest dreams but also not at all.

After a few seconds, he dared to open his eyes, surprised to find Ivan already staring back at him.

Suddenly Ivan was pulling away, turning toward Luka. “Sorry, I got a bit carried away.”

Till licked his lips, flushed when he realized what he’d done and quickly pursed his lips into a thin line to ignore the urge to do it again.

“Well,” Luka looked torn between amusement and annoyance, “I supposed you were going to kiss him eventually one way or another.”

Till blinked as the words settled. “Wait, you mean – ”

“Don’t get too excited,” he interrupted, already standing, “but you should be optimistic.” Weirdly, he said it while staring at Till like he was the one auditioning for the spot, not Ivan. There was no way he knew, right? Or maybe he was letting him know he was going to be kind enough to ignore his obvious mistake. “We’ll call you once we’ve discussed it and made a final decision.”

Till watched as Luka left with the staff, not even giving them a glance back. For once, he was thankful to be ignored.

Once they were gone, Mizi rushed to his side. “Are you okay?” she asked, side-eyeing Ivan skeptically.

He appreciated her concern, as always, but he was fine. If kissing strangers was an issue for him, he probably would’ve picked a different career path, but even those kisses were usually planned for and this wasn’t, which was jarring, yes, but he wasn’t upset.

Ivan’s manager was at his side, too, looking at him with disapproval. Till wondered how often he did unexpected stuff like that.

Finally he brushed her off and stepped forward, closer to Till. Mizi pursed her lips but didn’t intervene; she really was the perfect manager for him.

“I apologize,” he said, giving a slight bow. “I shouldn’t have done that without warning, but…”

He trailed off, and Mizi finally spoke, “But?”

But Till already knew the answer. Ivan smiled, but it wasn’t mean. “You forgot your line,” he said. It wasn’t a question. Mizi startled, glancing at the script still laid out on the table. “An honest mistake. I didn’t want you getting chided for it, and I thought it’d work as a good enough distraction.”

It certainly had. Till could still feel the press of his lips – plush, but just a little dry.

“You did that for Till?” Mizi asked, sounding skeptical. Till couldn’t blame her; people in the industry rarely looked out for each other like that, nevertheless strangers.

Ivan nodded, his smile growing just a little wider. “I guess you could say I’m intrigued.” He extended a hand and Till took a second too long to move, realizing his intent. Ivan squeezed his hand. “I look forward to working together.”

Till envied his confidence. Technically, nothing was confirmed yet. But even he knew it wasn’t up in the air. Luka just liked making people sweat.

“Me too,” he said.

-

“Did you see Ivan’s manager?” Mizi asked the next day. Shooting wouldn’t start for a few weeks but she came over often just to hang out.

Till blinked. “The girl with the, uh, blue hair and piercing stare?”

He didn’t miss the way her mouth twitched, forming a smile for only a second. “Yeah.”

Till had recognized that smile, however brief. He looked back to the television. “You should go for it.”

“Wh – what?” she stammered, nearly spilling their bowl of popcorn. “I don’t – I mean – ”

He grinned, side-eyeing her. “I always knew you were into the stoic types.”

“She wasn’t – ” Mizi pursed her lips, looking down. “When you two were doing the read, you know how we all left? Well, we talked some.” Her cheeks were flushed, nearly the same shade of her regularly-dyed hair. “She was nicer than you’d think, looking at her.”

Till wasn’t sure how much he believed her. Everyone was nice to Mizi. She was just that kind of person. You would have to be pure evil to be mean to her. “I trust your judgment,” he said instead, reaching out and squeezing her arm.

She peered at him from under her eyelashes. “But what if it complicates things? Especially when you’ll be working with Ivan for the next few months. And I mean, I don’t even know if she’s, you know.”

“And you’ll never know if you don’t ask,” he replied, making sure to soften his voice. “And don’t worry about me, okay? I can take care of my own shit.”

-

Till was confident. It was something Mizi always said she admired about him; he knew what he wanted, and he wasn’t afraid to work for it.

But he was also well-aware of his own shortcomings. He could be testy and impatient, and didn’t always take being corrected or criticized well.

“What if I say something wrong?” he whined, standing in front of the oversized mirror in his living room.

Mizi glanced up from her phone. “Then you – and I know this is an abstract concept to you – but you apologize.”

Till glared at her through the mirror. “And what if he says something wrong?”

“You wait it out,” she replied just as easily. “I mean, he seemed nice enough at the chemistry read.” She set her phone aside, seemingly done with it for now. “He didn’t have to help you like that.”

Till felt his cheeks grow warm just remembering the kiss. In the moment, he had been able to control himself, too caught up in making sure he didn’t ruin the scene more or – worse – lose his role. But now, looking back, he couldn’t quite believe he had kissed Ivan.

It was always going to happen, Luka was right, if Ivan got the role but somehow that didn’t make it any easier to believe.

And he had gotten the role; Luka had called him this morning with the good news. After that, Till had thought about texting Ivan, congratulating him. They had exchanged numbers for a reason.

But he couldn’t quite work up the guts to do it.

He must’ve waited too long because eventually a text had popped up on his own phone from ‘Ivan’. (He had debated adding a heart before realizing that was asking for trouble.)

“Since we’ll officially be working together,” it had read, “I would like to get to know each other better.”

Till had mulled over how to respond for so long he had eventually texted Mizi instead for help. With her help, he had responded back with a simple, “How about brunch?”

He still wasn’t sure people actually used the word brunch in real life but he had trusted Mizi more than himself in the moment, and either way it worked out because Ivan said yes.

He said yes with a little :) to be precise and Till felt like his heart was going to burst. He was playing a dangerous game, he knew, letting himself feed into this when they were coworkers, nothing else, but he couldn’t help it.

And Mizi was enabling it.

After their conversation, Mizi had invited herself over to help him get ready. Fair enough, because without Hyuna he wasn’t really too sure how to do much more than throw on a shirt and jeans.

She had helped him with some basic makeup – a bit of eyeliner and gloss – then picked out his outfit for him, which he still wasn’t sure about.

It was brunch, after all, but she had picked out a long-sleeved silky blue shirt and black jeans. He felt a little overdressed but she had assured him it was perfect.

“I should get going,” she announced, tearing him out of his downward spiral. She jumped off the couch and walked over, peering in the mirror alongside him. “You look hot.”

Till snorted, shaking his head. “I used to dream of you hearing you say that.”

And it was true; when they had first met, when his career was still new and fresh, he had immediately developed a crush on her. Now, he was glad they were just friends. Now, they were so close it didn’t even feel weird joking about it.

Mizi winked playfully and patted him on the back. “Just be yourself.”

That was what he was afraid of.

-

Mizi left after that, which was expected – it was only an hour until Ivan was set to arrive – but being alone didn’t help his nerves at all.

Nearly exactly on the dot, Till’s doorbell rang. Old-fashioned, really, because most people just texted when they arrived.

Smoothing his shirt down in the mirror, and reminding himself this wasn’t a date, he walked over and opened the door.

Thankfully, he hadn’t been the only one to get dressed up. Ivan wore a long-sleeved black shirt, tucked neatly into dark blue slacks. His hair was swept back out of his face; if he wore makeup, it wasn’t obvious enough for Till to be able to tell but either way he was as stunning as ever.

Till realized – belatedly – that he had just been staring at him without saying anything for at least a minute. Flushing, he stepped out of the way, a silent invitation inside.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something, anything, Ivan was saying, “I almost feel bad for what I’m about to suggest,” he smiled, small, “considering how good you look.”

Till blinked once, twice. “Oh. Um. What?”

Stupid. He was so stupid.

“You obviously got dressed up intending to go out,” Ivan continued, still smiling with a hint of amusement dancing in his dark eyes, “which I know we discussed, but…”

Till swallowed; why was his mouth so dry? “But?”

“But,” Ivan tilted his head a little. “I can’t speak for you, of course, but getting recognized in public is daunting.”

Till was suddenly reminded of their differences. He’d been recognized a few times, sure, but undoubtedly nothing compared to what Ivan went through. His face was plastered everywhere – billboards, magazines, commercials – so no wonder he was tired of getting recognized everywhere he went.

Even if you didn’t know Ivan, you’d at least seen his face. And most people can’t control themselves around a celebrity, regardless of personal interest.

“I understand,” he said finally, not sure what else to say.

Ivan smiled a bit wider. “So do you mind?” Till wasn’t quite sure what he was asking, but thankfully he continued before he could make a fool of himself. “I know it must also be daunting to have a stranger in your apartment.”

The dots connected quickly, suddenly. Till didn’t even have to think about the answer. “I don’t mind at all,” he said, but then, “I just – well.” Warm in the face, he gestured weakly at his kitchen. “I don’t have much.”

“No problem,” Ivan was already pulling out his phone. “We can just order something.”

-

That was how they ended up on his couch, shoes thrown off, eating a pizza. It was oddly comfortable, even though Till kept catching himself staring at Ivan’s mouth.

It was hard not to remember the kiss. It had just been part of the script, albeit a little early. Not to mention, Ivan had only done it to save him from making a complete fool of himself.

But it was still hard to forget, or brush off. After all, Till had admired him (and possibly had a crush on him) for so long. He never imagined just meeting him, nevertheless anything more.

“Do I have something on my face?”

Ivan’s seemingly innocent question was what finally drew him back to reality.

Till startled, nearly dropping his slice of pizza. It was starting to get cold anyway. “Um. No. I mean. Your face is fine.”

He winced at his own words, cursing himself internally.

Ivan smiled – no, that was a smirk. “I’m glad to hear you think my face is ‘fine’.”

“Well, I mean, I didn’t – your face is more than fine,” Till stammered, even as he cursed himself more with each word.

For a moment, there was silence and Till was sure he had finally properly screwed things up. But then Ivan threw his head back and started laughing hard enough he shook the couch a little.

Once he quieted down, he gazed at Till with a crooked smile. “You’re funny.”

Till flushed. “I’m sure you hear that kind of stuff all the time.”

“Mmm,” Ivan tilted his head back and forth. “Yeah, but people are usually a lot more suave about it.” When Till frowned, he nudged him with his foot. “That’s a good thing. I prefer when people don’t try so hard.”

Till couldn’t fight back a smile even if he tried. “Oh.”

“I was gonna suggest we do a readthrough of the script tonight but,” Ivan checked his phone. “It’s getting late.”

Till tried to hide his disappointment. He was surprised how much he’d enjoyed Ivan’s company. He had hoped he would, of course, but he was never sure how these things would go. Like mentioned, he didn’t always get along with people easily. And Ivan was, well, Ivan.

Famous, beautiful, rich. Till expected him to be a lot more conceited or snobby. Most of the famous people Till met were like that, after all, but not Ivan. He was sweet. A little odd, but wasn’t everyone?

“Are you free next Friday?” Ivan asked.

Till didn’t even have to think. If he had plans, he would just have to reschedule.

“Um, probably,” he said, aiming for casual and probably failing.

Ivan smiled again; he had one fang that Till was starting to think was unfairly adorable. “We can meet, then, go over the script.”

“Sounds good.” Amazing, actually, but he didn’t dare seem too eager, even though he was starting to think Ivan wouldn’t mind.

-

“Soooo,” Mizi slung herself over the couch ungracefully. “How did it go, hmm?”

Till snorted, pushing her out of the way to sit down. “I – ” His smile fell. Mizi was quick to adapt, sitting up properly. She had always been good at adapting to his moods. “I think I might be screwed.”

“What?” she leaned in closer. “Did he do something?”

Till appreciated her concern, as unfounded as it was. “No, he was… he was great, actually. We ate pizza and talked about a lot of nothing. He mentioned coming over next Friday so we can actually go over the script.”

“So… what’s wrong?” She was frowning, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. He couldn’t blame her.

He sighed, peering down at his hands folded together in his lap. “I think I could really like him, Mizi. Like… a lot.”

The thing was, he had never really liked someone before. He had certainly never dated. Beyond his short-lived crush on Mizi, passionate as it was, he had never even gotten the urge to date, or even do what a lot of other actors did and sleep around casually.

And now he was worried if he spent too much time with Ivan, that might change. Turn into something more than a crush from afar.

For a long moment, they were both silent. Finally, Mizi reached for his hands, cradling them gently.

“You are a really good person, Till.”

He rolled his eyes, an automatic response. She squeezed his hands harder.

“You always undervalue yourself, Till,” she continued, and he couldn’t look away from her determined gaze. “You act overconfident to make up for it, but I know you too well for that. You don’t know think someone like Ivan could ever like you but you fail to realize he’d be lucky to have you.”

He swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. “I – ”

But she apparently wasn’t finished, “I met with Sua.” She paused for a moment, like she was realizing something. “Ivan’s manager,” she clarified. “We really hit it off. She cares for Ivan like I care for you, I think.”

He just nodded, unsure where this was going but happy for her either way.

“I probably shouldn’t say this, it isn’t my place but,” she smiled, small, “I will, because I think you need to hear it. Apparently Ivan can’t stop talking about you. Sua said he’s never been so interested in another person. She even asked me about you.” Her smile widened a bit. “I only said good things, of course. I knew she was just worried.”

Till couldn’t believe it. He had also never known Mizi to lie, especially about serious stuff.

“But I – I can’t,” he stammered, looking down at their hands. “Even if he was interested,” which was so hard to believe he almost felt like he was dreaming, “I can’t risk it.”

Mizi ducked her head, forcing her eyes to meet again. “Why not?”

“You know why,” he said, and he wasn’t even embarrassed that he sounded like a petulant child. “I would be risking the movie. If we had a fight or – or broke up, I don’t know if I could pretend like nothing happened.”

He was making a lot of assumptions anyway; assuming Ivan was interested in something more, when maybe he just wanted something casual or temporary. But still the details didn’t matter. Either way, Till knew he couldn’t go back to acting like only coworkers.

“Till, I know you care about this movie,” she smiled again but there was something sad about the curve of her mouth, pitying. “But sometimes life is about taking chances. You can’t just depend on your career for happiness forever.”

He wanted to argue because he couldn’t find the words. Mizi squeezed his hands even tighter. It was almost painful but also oddly comforting.

“What if you got a role a few years from now – your dream role – but then suddenly you were kicked off the cast.” Till waited, knowing she wasn’t finished. “You would be devastated, obviously, but you would be even more devastated if you had to go home to an empty apartment.”

Till licked his lips; when did they get so dry?

“Plenty of people are satisfied never having a partner. Dating.”

Mizi rolled her eyes. “I know that but I also know you’re not one of them, Till.”

She really did know him too well. “But we’re both famous, Mizi, and he’s – he’s a household name. If we dated, we couldn’t keep it from the public for too long. Someone would find out.”

“And that is something worth discussing,” she finally released his hands, choosing instead to squeeze his wrist. “With him.”

Till suddenly felt like crying. He didn’t, but his eyes burned. “What if we’re wrong? Even Sua?”

“Then you can come to me and cry it out.” She smiled, warm and sincere.

It was a decent enough backup plan. Without warning, he lunged forward and hugged her. “Have I said recently how you are the best manager in the world?”

“You don’t have to tell me, I already know.”

-

Till decided not to rush it, even if Mizi suggested texting Ivan and setting a closer date to see each other again.

When Friday finally rolled around, he felt like he was going to be sick.

He made a point to not dress up, just a pair of his usual jeans and a black t-shirt. If this was going to happen, he wanted to be sure it was because Ivan really liked him. Not because he thought he looked good enough to settle for.

A few minutes after 12, his doorbell rang.

Brushing by the mirror without looking, he opened the door. Ivan had apparently had the same thought; he looked as gorgeous as last time, obviously, but he was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans too with a thin jacket. His hair also wasn’t slicked back, hanging loosely around his face.

He also had a bag, probably to carry around the script and whatever else he might need.

Like last time, they ordered food and ended up on the couch. This time, however, they had the scripts. Till noticed a ton of highlighted parts in Ivan’s copy; maybe he shouldn’t have assumed he just had a natural gift for memorizing things. He had obviously worked just as hard.

For a while, they just rehearsed through the easy parts. Didn’t bother acting any of the parts out just yet.

Most of that stuff – gestures, movements – would be changed before they actually started filming anyway so Till didn’t usually worry about it, just focused on the actual dialogue.

But then they flipped the page and Till saw it: the scene where they kissed. The actual scene.

For a moment, neither of them spoke. When Till finally chanced a look up, he noticed Ivan was already looking at him.

“Do you usually practice these parts?” Ivan asked.

Till tried to decipher his voice, his expression, but it was all perfectly neutral.

“Sometimes,” he answered, because it was true. “Makes it less awkward later.” But other actors preferred keeping any kissing strictly in front of the camera. Till didn’t really have a preference.

Ivan hummed thoughtfully. “Well then, I’m up for it, if you are.”

He could almost hear Mizi in his head, telling him he shouldn’t do this. He should confess, first, otherwise it wasn’t fair. To him or Ivan. And he would confess tonight. He had already made that decision but…

Couldn’t he be just a little selfish first?

“Sure.” Understatement of the century.

Collecting their scripts, Till set them aside on the coffee table and was relieved when Ivan made the first move to scoot closer. He still couldn’t quite read his face, perfectly blank.

“Let me know if you want to stop,” Ivan said, a hand already reaching out and settling on Till’s neck, warm and heavy.

Till was pretty sure Ivan could’ve done anything to him in that moment and he still wouldn’t have asked him to stop, but he appreciated the sentiment.

Not trusting his voice, Till just gave a tiny nod and that seemed to be enough for Ivan. He leaned forward, slowly, like he was giving Till the chance to stop him if he wanted to.

He didn’t.

Finally their lips touched, just a gentle press. Ivan’s lips were even softer than he remembered, warmer too. The script didn’t detail the kiss; that would be decided later with help from the director but – Till supposed Ivan was preparing for everything as he tilted his head, pressing their lips together with a bit more fervor.

Hardly complaining, Till kissed back, scooting a little closer. That should’ve been it. Given the scene, it was doubtful the kiss was going to be anything more than this.

But Ivan didn’t pull away, and Till wasn’t going to be the first to end it.

Opening his eyes, he finally wasn’t surprised for once to find Ivan already staring back at him. What was difference, however, was the look in his eyes. Intense, but somehow warm.

Till felt a shiver down his spine and decided this was it. Words had never been his specialty. Moving quickly, he shifted up onto his knees and swung a leg over Ivan to settle on the other side, kissing him the entire time.

Only once he was settled, straddling him, did he finally pull back. “Is this okay?”

Ivan’s eyes were always dark, nearly black, but this was something else. “Depends,” he replied, low but steady. He lifted his hands, placing them on Till’s hips. “Is this okay?”

Instead of replying with words, Till just leaned in and kissed him again. This kiss was immediately different from the first, filthy and almost aggressive. Ivan bit at his bottom lip, just the edge of too hard, and Till let out a sound in the back of his throat that was outright embarrassing.

He only pulled back for air when he absolutely had to, panting a little to catch his breath. Ivan’s eyes were half-lidded; he somehow looked the best he ever had. Till swallowed. This was his chance.

“I have something to confess,” he forced the words out before he could reconsider.

Ivan blinked, once, almost immediately looking more alert. “What?” His hands shifted on his hips but didn’t pull away. “Do you want to stop?”

“Quite literally the opposite,” he replied, feeling nearly delirious. This was it. “I know this is – probably not what you want at all, and I’m probably reading too much into everything, and – and I know this could get in the way of the movie, I’m not an idiot, but I think I would really regret not saying it.”

Ivan squeezed his hips, then, and it was enough to make him feel a little more grounded. “You’re kind of scaring me here, Till.”

He stared at Ivan for a moment, appreciating every detail of his face, before he took a deep breath, “I think I could end up liking you.” He paused, letting the words settle properly in the silence between them. “A lot.”

Till wasn’t sure what he was expecting. The silence lingered so long he was starting to feel an ache in his chest.

Without a word, he went to move off Ivan’s lap but his hands tightened around his waist. “Stay,” he said, the softest Till had ever heard his voice.

“You don’t have to try and – and placate me,” Till stammered, but he didn’t try to move again. “I’m not gonna be mad at you for not feeling the same way.”

Ivan opened his mouth, closed it. Till watched his face flicker through about ten different emotions before suddenly he was kissing him again, hard and messy. Till gasped into his mouth, surprised – confused – but hardly disappointed.

He curled his fingers in Ivan’s hair, eyelashes fluttering. He could do this forever. He also knew he needed a real answer.

He deserved that.

Mustering all his courage, he pulled back. Ivan stared up at him with a newfound intensity. He forced himself to speak around the lump in his throat, “I’ve admired you for a long time. I know that might not be – appealing, in this context. But I don’t think that has anything to do with what I’ve felt since we met.”

Ivan continued to stare at him. Till gulped.

“You’re just not what I expected,” he paused. “In a really good way, and I’ve never done this before. Not just with another actor. Or, uh, coworker. I mean, like at all.”

The corner of Ivan’s mouth started to quirk up. “You’re cute.”

“Oh.” Till flushed. “Thank you?”

Ivan let out a soft laugh; gently, he moved Till off him. Under different circumstances, he might’ve overthought what that meant but Ivan was still smiling, warm and small.

“Are you asking me out, Till?” he asked, not even trying to hide the mirth in his eyes.

He supposed he was, in a way. “I mean, that’s – that’s assuming a lot. I just, I wanted to let you know. I didn’t – ” He hadn’t expected anything, he meant to say, but he suddenly stopped, finally connecting the dots. “Wait. Does that mean – ?”

Ivan leaned against the back of the couch, watching him with that same sparkle in his eyes. “I liked you the second I set my eyes on you,” the confession felt like igniting fire in Till’s very core. “I wasn’t sure why, at first. I’d never felt that way before, and we barely knew each other.”

Till didn’t dare speak; he didn’t trust his voice anyway.

“But you’re… different,” Ivan hummed. “I can’t quite put my finger on it.” He smiled, that fang poking out again. Till wanted to feel it against his lip again. “And frankly, I don’t really care to.”

He paused, reaching out. Till didn’t even think twice, moving as if commanded by something out of his control. Ivan held his hand gently, thumb pressing into his knuckles, not hard but comforting. Grounding, like he somehow knew Till felt a little untethered.

“But I’m assuming you know by now I can’t promise you this won’t get out. Even when you’re surrounded by people you think you can trust, it’s not quite true in our line of work, is it?”

Till had already went over this in his head. “I don’t mind. I think it’s worth the risk.”

“We should at least keep it between us,” Ivan said softly, and Till wasn’t sure yet what he was going to say next. If he wanted to keep this hidden because he was ashamed or embarrassed to be seen with him. But then – “Just until the movie is done shooting. I don’t want them to project or assume anything just because we’re together.”

Till nodded. “I agree,” he said, meaning it. It was the smart move. “And if anything happens, if this doesn’t work, I need us to be on the same page.”

“I hope we won’t have to worry about that,” Ivan replied, “but the fact you even want to discuss it...” He smiled again, almost approvingly. Till didn’t want to admit how much that did for his confidence. “I promise you won’t have anything to worry about from my end. I could even give you something to use against me, if it would give you peace of mind.”

Till let out a sudden laugh, surprised by the odd offer. But just as Ivan kept saying he was different, he was starting to think Ivan’s oddness was what had really captivated him. “I’ll just have to take your word for it,” he said, still smiling.

-

They never ended up having to worry about. Months later, when the movie was wrapping up, they all celebrated by having dinner at Ivan’s house. The place had always been beautiful, from the very first time Till had seen it, but now it felt more like a proper home.

Pictures lined the walls that used to be empty, mostly of the two of them, but some were just of Till. He complained about them, sometimes, embarrassed but secretly he liked it.

Some were of all of them – Ivan, arms wrapped around Till. Mizi and Sua, heads tilted together.

Till was pretty sure he had died and gone to heaven. Or maybe he just should’ve been more hopeful when he was younger because sometimes he still struggled to believe this was real.

Sitting at the table, Ivan on his left and Mizi on his right, he wondered what he had done to end up lucky enough to have met both of them.

Or maybe Ivan was right, as he always liked to say: “You deserve good things, Till.”

Till still remembered the first time he’d said it when they were laid out in his bed. He had kissed Till’s forehead and he had suddenly felt the urge to cry, eyes burning.

Maybe, just maybe, he was finally starting to believe it.

“Can you believe they still haven’t figured it out?” Mizi was saying, giggling around the rim of her wine glass. “’How is their chemistry so good?’” she said, repeating what the director had said earlier.

Till hadn’t really heard him. He’d been too busy kissing Ivan with as much fervor as he kissed him every night. He supposed there were benefits, actually, to dating your costar.

Sua smiled at her side. “You can’t blame him. I’m surprised they were actually able to keep it hidden until the end of filming.”

Till chanced a glance at Ivan, who was already staring back at him. He smiled. Ivan smiled back, giving a nod.

“About that, actually,” Till cleared his throat. “We are planning to disclose that we’re dating. Not how long, obviously, but… we thought it might make things easier, especially since Ivan can’t stop complaining about wanting to take me places and not being able to.”

Mizi smiled, shifting to take Sua’s hand where it was resting atop the table.

“We’re happy for you.” She glanced at Ivan. “Both of you.”

-

At the end of the night, Till was surprised to have Mizi pull him away from Ivan’s side. She walked them to the edge of the porch, grasping his hands tightly in her own.

“I know this is going to be cheesy and you’ll hate every second of it,” she said, “but I just really need to say it.”

Till tilted his head with a confused smile.

“I used to worry about you.” She squeezed his hands tighter. “You always acted like you were fine on your own but I just – I could tell you had so much love to give and for a while I almost felt guilty, turning you down.”

Till tensed, already opening his mouth, but she continued, “I know you never wanted me to, and you never did anything to make me feel that. I promise. It was just – normal concern for a friend, okay?”

She gently shook their hands, smiling now. “But now I see you with Ivan and… Till, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so happy.”

He couldn’t fight the smile off his own face, small and sincere. He stared down at their hands. “I – ” He paused, swallowed around the lump in his throat. He hadn’t even said this to Ivan, yet, but somehow it felt right. Saying it, now, to Mizi first. “I think I love him.”

For a long moment, there was silence. When he finally glanced up, Mizi wasn’t looking at him. She was staring over his shoulder, eyes a little wide, and –

He dropped her hands and spun around. Ivan stood there, frozen with his hand in the air like he had just been about to tap his shoulder. Mizi squeaked and scooted past them, rushing to join Sua at the other end of the porch.

“I was going to ask if you were cold,” Ivan said, dropping his hand. It was chilly out, middle of autumn now, and Ivan knew he ran cold. The simple but sweet gesture made his heart feel like it was going to burst out of his chest.

Till just nodded, not trusting his voice. Ivan shucked off his jacket and moved to wrap it around his frame.

“I didn’t want you hear that,” Till said finally, clutching the jacket to keep it from falling. “I was going to tell you soon. Just needed the right moment. I know it’s probably too soon or I don’t know, I don’t really know how to gauge these things – ”

Ivan moved, smooth but fast, wrapping an arm around his waist and drawing him in close enough to tip their foreheads together. If he remembered they still had company present, he didn’t seem phased by it. “I don’t believe in there being a right time for anything,” he breathed softly. “I love you, Till.”

He smiled so big he knew his cheeks were going to hurt later. He didn’t care. Happiness was worth it. “Good,” he said before cupping both sides of Ivan’s face and kissing him.

It reminded him a lot of their first kiss but this time the roles were reversed. Ivan seemed surprised for just a second before he smiled against his lips, tugging him even closer.

When they separated, Till was breathless. He wasn’t complaining.

“I hate to say this,” he let out a shaky laugh, still catching his breath, “but I think we need to send a thank you card or something.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow, searching his face. “To who?”

“I’ll tell you later,” he replied before moving in to kiss him again. He heard Sua’s groan from across the porch. Ivan laughed against his mouth.

-

A week before they left for their first vacation, just a couple days after the news of them dating had hit the media, Till went to the store and picked out a card. It was the vaguest card he could find in the store, just a simple “thank you” with a smiley face on the front. He signed it just as simply – Ivan and Till – and left it like that. He trusted Luka to figure it out.

[darerendevil]

*SPOILERS*

Aaron Schimberg kept it brief in his introduction before A Different Man had its world premiere January 21 at the 2024 Sundance Film Festival: “This is the one time I have to be able to show a film without anybody knowing anything about it.” A hush fell over the Eccles audience as the writer-director said that. It’s true. There’s before you see A Different Man, and then there’s after. The before is full of anticipation for the complex drama starring Sebastian Stan, Adam Pearson, and Renate Reinsve. The after is a rush of heart-clenching realizations about your own sense of self-worth, the true values of society, and questions about the ownership of your identity and story — even if you aren’t sure you want to own it yourself.

Edward (Stan) is an actor...

with a facial disfigurement who sticks to himself, doesn’t fix the leak in the ceiling of his apartment, and books parts in training videos for companies to learn how to treat people with disabilities just like everyone else. When his doctor tells him of a new experimental procedure that can “cure” his appearance, he decides to try it so he can be treated normally, like the people in the horrific training videos he shoots.

As Edward’s facial growths start to peel off — in a scene one can only describe as a moving Francis Bacon painting — instead of feeling relief, he still feels the need to hide who he is from everyone. That includes his playwright neighbor Ingrid (Reinsve), who has thrust herself into Edward’s orbit without fully letting him into hers.

His solution? To fake his own death and reemerge as a new “normal” guy hastily named Guy. This shedding of his skin seems to be working — he gets a new job as the most shiny of real estate agents and has a new, fancy loft apartment — until he sees that Ingrid has followed through on her goal to write a play with a part for him. Unfortunately, the play is about him, her dead neighbor, and their relationship through her eyes.

This is where A Different Man starts to fold in on itself in a brilliant meta statement about representation and authorization within the entertainment industry.

“[The film] is playing with various disability tropes,” explains Schimberg during the post-premiere discussion. “Like the sad disfigured man in his apartment, and playing around with those elements.” Since Edward’s story starts with that trope, it leaves the viewer uncomfortable and upset when we see Ingrid using these same tired storylines. It proves that she never really knew Edward, but had no problem using his disfigurement to push through a play about her being a “good person.”

But, wait, weren’t we introduced to Edward in the same fashion? The film doubles down on this complication by having Edward-presenting-as-Guy beg his neighbor to let him play her version of himself within her off-Broadway show. Even with the face of an actual Hollywood movie star, Edward is bending his life around the preconceived notions of others. His desire to be both the before and after Edward is complicated further when Oswald (Pearson), an effervescent and charming man with similar facial disfigurements as the original Edward, enters the theater during rehearsal and proceeds to take his role and his relationship with Ingrid away.

On the subject of casting this complicated weave of an identity story, Schimberg recalls how thorny that was even within his own singular vision: “I thought you’re caught in a bind because some people said that casting Adam was exploitative, and then on the other hand casting a Hollywood star and putting him in prosthetics is also the opposite of what we think of as representation, even though it’s still very commonly used. So I was caught in a bind and I just thought: I’m going to do a movie that does both. I’m going to have a Hollywood actor in prosthetics, I’m going to have Adam be Adam and see what comes of it and build some kind of path forward.”

That path forward is a masterful film filled with tension. But while it might seem like the struggle is going to be between Edward and Oswald, A Different Man’s only true tension is within Edward himself. Stan excels as he wrestles with embarrassment and longing for his former face. Every time someone comments on Oswald’s appearance to Edward while he’s passing as Guy, you can feel the hot anger within him because they assume he agrees with their vile opinions. “Suppression is a really bad thing,” Stan says, passionate about his character and this creative journey. “That was my take on [why Edward hid his true identity]. But I think, sometimes, when you spend so much time denying yourself you don’t have the courage in those moments to speak up.”

“That was kind of the hook we gave to Sebastian,” Pearson continues. “Yeah you don’t know what it’s like to have a disfigurement, but you do know what it’s like to not have privacy and to have your life constantly invaded, for better or worse.” Stan nods his head emphatically, “Public property, right?”Pearson nods back at him down the line. “Yeah, those are the kind of chats we had to get it right.” He pauses and chuckles.

“I’m glad it wasn’t a physical battle because I would have lost that one.”

[misslavenderlady]

It's Just Dark 🕯️

Marko/Paul/Dwayne/David/GN!Reader (They/Them Pronouns)

Summary: After realizing that monsters may actually be real, you decided to venture back into the dark to confirm your suspicions. But don't be scared. Four friendly faces will help you remember how fun the dark can truly be~

Thank you @ghoulgeousimmaculate for my first ever writing request! I had fun with Don't Be Afraid of The Dark, and it was nice doing a sequel! I hope you enjoy it!

WARNINGS: Nsfw/Smut/18+ Readers Only, Unspecified Genitals for reader, Nyctophobia (turned into love for the dark), Fear of Haunted Houses, Poly!LostBoys, Teasing, Pet Names, Fivesome, Group Sex, Public Sex, Masturbation, Handjob, Blowjob, Sex with the lights off, Vampire Powers, Sex game, Creampie, Aftercare, Good/Safe Ending

Another night in your room. You were quite comfortable in your special space, all dressed in your favorite pajamas, and the lights dimmed down to your liking. The ideal atmosphere for going to bed, yet sleep was the last thing on your mind. 

For the last few days, you had been debating with yourself on what to do. Things had changed so drastically for you in such a short amount of time. One moment you were trembling like a coward in a silly little pop-up haunt, the next moment you were getting railed by four strangers in a dark room. The gravity of it hadn’t set in until you actually got home that night. You knew nothing about them other than their names, yet they knew just what to do to leave you crying out in ecstasy. 

Well, you did know ONE other thing about them. 

You were so quick to assume that they were just scare actors. After all, why else would four vampiric-looking boys be lurking around a fake haunted house for Halloween? Ghosts and ghouls and other monsters weren’t real. Neither were vampires. Even if their appearances looked far more elaborate, that didn’t mean they were real, honest-to-God monsters.

But if that was the case, why did you have that deep bite mark on your neck?

You couldn’t stop staring at it whenever you were in front of the mirror. It wasn’t infected, and it wasn’t bloody. It was just…there. Two holes together, the same distance as the fangs that shined in David’s mouth. If they were really fake, they wouldn’t have even pierced the skin. Those teeth had not only bitten into you, but were as neat as a surgical incision. Like they were designed for such a clean, strong bite. 

It made your head spin, a million questions rolling around with no answers in sight. This should really shake you up. Frighten you with the knowledge that monsters could actually be real. And yet, whenever you thought about the boys, you were reminded of how good they made you feel. How they made your skin heat up and your heart flutter. You shivered whenever you recalled how David felt inside you.

God, you missed them.

Halloween had already passed, but the haunt would be open for one more night to make up for anyone who had missed out. It was your last chance to find the boys again. The last chance to get some answers about what you had experienced. You had to make sure you weren’t going crazy. And if all went well, then perhaps it couldn’t hurt to have some alone time with them again~

What were you thinking? Of COURSE, your fears were going to start acting up again when you were at the haunt. 

Even after everything you’d been through, you couldn’t fight back all the paranoia and anxiety that came with these places. You didn’t even have your friends with you this time. This was something you would have to go it alone, and yet you couldn’t find the courage to do it. So you simply stood out on the boardwalk, staring at the haunt and watching a few couples and families excitedly go in for a scare. 

A part of you had been hopeful that the boys would just be walking around the side of the haunt. Maybe taking a smoke break in between moments of their “work”. To your dismay, you didn’t see them, nor did you see any other haunt monsters. They were all hidden inside, not showing their faces to the public so as to not break the immersion.

It was blatantly obvious what you had to do. You were going to have to search inside for them. 

Your hands were trembling, and all you could do to settle them was simply hold them together. You did your best to put on a brave face, not wanting anyone to sense your fears. Best not to draw too much attention to yourself. There weren’t as many people this time around, but it wasn't the other haunt-goers you were worried about most. It was all the scare actors lingering in the shadows. If there were fewer people, that meant you had a bigger target on your back for being on the receiving end of a scare.

Just focus on finding the boys, you thought to yourself. 

It was so dark inside. You had forgotten about that little detail. It was tricky to navigate, but you did your best to hold onto the sides of the walls so you could find your way around the area. With focused eyes, you scanned your surroundings, trying to find any signs of wild hairstyles or flashy jewelry. 

Your heart rate shot up when you heard a scare actor scream on the other side of the area, followed by a terrified shriek of whoever the unlucky victim was that got scared. Terror was overwhelming your nerves. What if you were next? What if this was all a waste of time and you couldn't find them? What if-

"Back again, little one~?"

You couldn’t stop the soft gasp that slipped out of your mouth as you felt breath on your skin and a whisper in your ear. An icy aura surrounded your figure, causing goosebumps to pop up onto your arms. David.

A hand snaked its way into your own, leather-covered fingers entwined with your bare ones. You felt light-headed as you were gently pulled away from the main area, and guided to a spot around the corner, hidden away from others wandering in. 

Before you could even get a word in, you were pushed up against the wall. David's body boxed you in, his knee jutting out to slip in between your legs. With him this close, you could smell the smoke on his breath. It felt like it took your own breath away.

He pulled something out of his pocket. You weren't sure what it was until you heard a familiar flick sound. A small flame flickered out. It was his lighter. 

And it was illuminating a familiar, monstrous-looking face. 

Unlike the first time around where you were startled for a moment but ultimately calmed down from the shock, you were still trembling after seeing his vampire face. The sharp angles in his skull truly were lifelike. You felt foolish for being so quick to believe it was fake the first time around. 

But perhaps you needed more time to figure this all out. Maybe there really was an explanation for all this.

“There you are,” David purred. His tongue slipped past his lips for a mere second before he moved forward. Your mouths fit together, a kiss fueled by the longing of your time apart. Even if it was a few days, David kissed you as if it had been years. It was a miracle there was still air in your lungs by the time he let go to speak again.

“Aww babyyy~” he cooed, caressing the side of your face. “You’re shaking so terribly. Still scared of this place~?”

You had to mentally remind yourself to keep breathing. David made it so difficult to think straight.

“A-A little…” you admitted. “But I wanted to s-see you again! I missed you…”

While technically it wasn’t the actual reason you decided to come here, there was some truth to it. You kept seeing flashes of the night you spent with him and his boys in your head. The way they touched you, tasted you, and fucked you so enthusiastically. By the look on his face, David was thinking of it too.

“And we missed you, sweetling~”

The other boys. Dwayne, Paul, and Marko. God, you dreamed of their hands on you again. They had worked so well together as a team. Keeping you in place while David had his way with you. Even before you could even think to ask about them, new faces appeared out of the dark.

Speak of the devils.

Their smiles were wide and wicked, a mischievous glint in their yellow eyes. They moved so easily in the dark. So quiet and sneaky. It was quite the contrast to the sweet words they spoke to you.

“Welcome back, cutie!”

“You’re looking extra fine tonight~”

“Come back to play another game with us?”

If you couldn’t think properly before, now you were absolutely brain-dead. Their expressions were so devious and their fangs dripped with hunger. A jolt went up your spine at the memory of David biting into you. One set of teeth had been enough to make you faint. What exactly could four sets do to you?

You were surrounded. With each passing moment, they pressed in more, pushing their perfect bodies against yours. You could hear their heavy breathing all around you. If you hadn’t bitten your lip, then you surely would have let out the most pathetic moan imaginable.

“Y-Yes, I did…~” you whimpered. Whether this was all real or not did not matter in the slightest. You just wanted them again. The lovers that kept you safe in the dark. 

As if on cue, another scream came from the other side of the wall. One of the actors had successfully frightened a couple who had walked in, leading to intense shrieking. The sound startled you terribly, and out of reflex, you cowered into David. The others chuckled at your adorable display of fear.

“Awwww poor baby,” he cooed, lips right at your ear as he pulled you in closer. “Why don’t we take your mind off the scary stuff for a while~?”

Before you could even think to say anything, you heard the sounds of pants unzipping and belts jingling as they came undone. As much as you wanted to ask about the risk of strangers walking by and catching you in the act, all you could think about was how David was pressing kisses into your neck. Your legs felt like jelly. Loose and wiggly from the tingly sensations David made you feel. 

Your eyes shut and your fingers found their way into his spiked hair as he grazed his tongue along your throat, tracing over your veins. He could have bitten you again if he truly wanted to, but if the bulge poking your thigh told you anything, it was that it was the last thing on his mind. One hand slipped up your shirt to toy with your body while the other still carefully held the only source of light in this pitch-black area. 

“Y’know, the last time we took turns having fun with you, cutie,” Paul purred. His bracelets clanged together as he stroked himself slowly. “Maybe this time we should all get you at once~”

It would be a lie if you were to say the thought didn’t intimidate you a bit. Going one-by-one with four boys was one thing. Having sex with them all together was another. They must have sensed your fears because Dwayne spoke up while David gently kissed you.

“Don’t worry, love. We’ll be good to you. Nothing you won’t be able to handle~”

“Yeah,” Marko agreed. He was touching himself just like Paul was, but his motions were sharp and fast, not slow and sensual. “We just can’t get enough of ya~”

A bashful smile crept onto your face, showing off how delighted you were to be praised. They had such a way with words. It only made you that much more eager for them. To show your enthusiasm for the idea, you spread your legs further apart and puffed out your chest, giving off your best bedroom eyes for them to stare into. 

“Yes, please~”

David grinned wolfishly before pressing his lips back on yours. Your eyes fluttered and your cheeks warmed from the way he kissed you. Meanwhile, the boys were still stroking their cocks in their hands, softly moaning at the sight of their leader enjoying you. Wanting to make use of your hands more, you slid your fingers down the front of David’s shirt and over the button of his leather pants. You adored how he sighed into your kiss as you carefully helped undo the fabric and slip his cock free. It was so pleasurable feeling his desire for you in your hand.

You stroked him slowly, letting him enjoy your eager touch. It made you want to embrace him and never let go. Surely he felt the same way. You got such an answer when he flicked his lighter back down, snuffing out the flame before tossing it aside. Back in the shadows, you went, and you whimpered so helplessly as his free hand now wrapped around you tighter.

“No worries, little one. There’s no risk of getting caught with the light gone,” David explained in between greedy kisses. 

Your ears picked up the softest sounds far more easily now. Marko, Dwayne, and Paul were shuffling around in the small space. If you hadn’t been so overwhelmed by David, you would have put a little more care into wondering just what they were doing. He must have read your mind because he pulled away for a moment to speak clearly.

“Let’s play a game. A guessing game, to be exact,” he whispered. His voice sounded deeper and his raspy tone was more noticeable. “I got to fuck that perfectly tight hole the last time you came by. I’ll let one of the others take a turn with it while the other two get to see what your hands can do. All you have to do is guess who’s inside of you before you cum~”

David’s cock throbbed in your hand, twitching from the pleasure you gave him. The others snickered with one another. Clearly, they were just as eager to play along. They only got more joy when you gasped softly. He swiftly flipped you around so that he was the one leaning back into the wall and you were out in the open. He was so fast. So controlling. You loved it.

“What about you, David?” you asked. 

“Well as much as I love your lips on mine…..I wanna feel them stretch around my cock instead~” he said with a breathy laugh. It was like music in your ears. 

Of course, you were happy to play along with such a game. No matter who was doing what to you, it would be immensely pleasurable for you. You smiled eagerly, hoping David could see you in this darkness. If your suspicions about what exactly he was were true, then it wouldn’t be a problem at all for him.

“Yes, David~”

“Mmmm. Good little human,” he praised. “Now bend over for me~”

You would have done so on your own, but a hand shot out from behind you and forced you forward. Now you were bent over perfectly, almost at an exact 90-degree angle. Snickering was traded between the boys as they went to work on you. In order to figure out just what was happening, you pulled your focus off their voices and put it on smaller cues.

Another zipper coming undone followed by clothes being pushed downward. That was the one who was going to take you. The dribbling of liquid. Probably that warming lube you loved so much last time. 

You lost focus again when a pair of hands roughly tugged your pants and underwear downward. It left you feeling so exposed, even in darkness. Thankfully, those feelings were quickly replaced with pleasure, as new touches greeted your body.

Two thick, aching cocks slipped into each of your hands. Not too much of a difference between them other than the fact that one was cut and the other wasn’t. 

Hmmm…I think Paul’s cock was uncut, you thought to yourself. You still remembered how wild and unhinged he was when you took each inch deep into your mouth. That was clue number one, but you still needed more. 

“Brace yourself, baby,” David said to you. “You’re about to get a good, old-fashioned double-stuffing~”

You didn’t even get a second to process his words before such a promise was acted on. In the back, you felt a thick, lubed cock slip slowly into you from the back. The moment your mouth opened to moan out, David took the opportunity to fill it up too. All the boys were moaning from the sensations of your body, but David was by far the loudest. Thankfully, he thought to cover his mouth and muffle the sound with his leather glove.

So here you were. Filled on both ends of your body and used for pleasure with your hands. All while barely hidden in a pop-up haunt. God, the things you did for these boys. They were so mischievous with their fun, and here you were along for the ride.

You steadied yourself, calming down your nerves so you could focus. The first thing you did was start gently sucking on David’s cock, letting it move in and out at a decent pace. He seemed to relax against the wall, clearly satisfied with the work you were already putting in. You couldn’t help but smile with pride around him. 

The hands wrapped around two of the other boys began to pump. It was a little odd, having a cock in each hand. But it was ultimately quite nice getting into a proper rhythm. It helped to hear sighs and moans in delight to let you know how well you were doing. If only you knew which of the boys were on each side of your body.

“Oooooh fuck, baby, that’s it~” David sighed. His hand found its way to the top of your head, guiding you to move as he wanted you to. You nuzzled against his touch, sighing in delight. David’s praise meant the world to you. It was like a high you didn’t want to stop chasing.

Three voices mixed with his own, intertwining with one another and flowing like a song. It was far different than last time, as each boy had quite the individual preferences in voicing their feelings. Each one liked to be heard and speak up, yet they were hiding their identities so perfectly. All you could hear were sounds of pleasure while you all fucked together.

Whoever was inside your greedy hole was moving at a sensual, deep pace. It was like he wanted you to feel every last inch at any given moment. It didn’t really seem like Marko’s preferred method, as you recalled a more teasing, playful style that he used with his mouth. That narrowed it down more.

If the two boys on either side had been touching you, it would be far easier to guess by their accessories. But they were far more clever than you gave them credit for. Neither one touched you, just rolling their hips to get more of your skilled hands. Whoever they were, you could feel precum dribbling from each of their cocks. You spread it across the tips and over the length, coating both for better work. 

“Such a good little thing, aren’t you~?” David growled. His breath was shaky. “You’re so incredible at this. It’s like we’re made for each other~”

It was silly to you that they were all using you like a sex toy, yet the more romantic words David used were what got your heart racing the most. They just meant so much to you. Even with all these thoughts of monsters and the terrifying nature of the dark, they made you feel appreciated. Safe. Cared for. It made you that much more determined to put in the work to please them all.

Your own noises were getting louder and louder. With all of your will, you did your best to hold back a bit, not wanting to get caught by anyone who could be nearby. It was quite the challenge with one of your lovers hitting just the right spot over and over and over again. You were getting closer now, speeding towards that climax you knew only they could give you. All that you wanted was to have the right name to scream out.

“C’mon, baby, you can do it,” David encouraged you. “Listen. Feel. Don’t overthink your pretty little head, just use your senses. You got this~”

He was right. You could focus all your attention on the man who was so deep inside you. The darkness was there to make you feel stronger, not weaker.

Your ear caught the sound of a small rattling, like a thin piece of jewelry hitting something over and over again. It wasn't jangly and loud like their bracelets. 

And then it hit you. Literally. A small part of it brushed against your ass when your lover bent over further to fuck you harder. It was a brief moment, but it made you realize what it was and who it belonged to.

A body chain. The one Dwayne had draped over his chest. Now you didn't have to hold back.

"DWAYNE~!" you cried out, pushing yourself back onto him. "I know it's you back there, Dwayne! P-Please…oh fuck…please cum inside me~"

Fueled by your noises, your lovers moved faster now. David was fucking your throat like a man possessed while Marko and Paul thrust eagerly. That left Dwayne to get you closer and closer, his cock shoved in as deep as it would go. 

You panted and sighed, no longer fearing the idea of getting caught. All that was on your mind was chasing that climax. Almost. Almost!

"A-Aaahh~!!! Fuck!!"

There you go. 

Your body tensed and you bit your lip to fight back the whorish scream that you almost let loose. The pleasure was hitting you like the mightiest waves in the ocean. You were drowning in dopamine.

The boys followed you closely, all cumming within seconds of one another. David held your head down all the way down to the base, his seed painting the back of your throat. Paul and Marko stained your fingers, making them warm and sticky. Dwayne gripped your hips firmly as he kept his cock inside you. You were overwhelmed with warmth as he filled you to the brim. 

God, you really made the right call finding them again. 

It took a little while for all five of you to settle down. With heaving breaths, you managed to free yourself from them. You felt quite dirty now. Thankfully, they took care of you as they did the other night, cleaning you up and getting you dressed again. Having them gently wipe the fluids from your body and help button your pants again was rather sweet. 

Plus, the forehead kiss you got from David was an especially nice touch. 

When all of you were presentable, he held out an arm for you to take. You couldn't see his face, but his voice was all you needed. 

"Hang on tight to me. We'll get you out of here safe and sound"

David was entirely true to his word, holding you close on his arm as he moved you forward. The others acted as bodyguards, shielding you from danger or jump scares up until you got to the exit. 

Though the sky was dark, the illumination of boardwalk lights greeted you on the outside of the haunt. You had done it again. Safe and sound outside. 

"Thank you, boys. I really-"

Your voice cut out when you turned to look at David. He was human. Or rather, human-looking. No longer were his teeth long and sharp and his eyes an inhuman shade of yellow. His skull was normal, showing soft features and cheeks with slight baby fat in them. 

He was a normal guy now. A guy with beautiful, blue eyes. 

“Hi~” was all he said. The smirk on his face was no longer intimidating. Just playful and boyish.

“H-Hi,” you returned the greeting. 

The surprise went on as the others stepped to the side of their leader, showing off their own, human appearances. You knew they were good-looking guys even with their monster features, but seeing them like this allowed you to recognize how truly beautiful they all were. It made you blush to know that such stunning men had just ravaged you in the dark. 

“I’m sure you have quite a few questions for us about what we are,” David simply said. The others nodded, smiling at you. They seemed happy to see you react so well to their big reveal. 

“Yes, as a matter of fact,” you replied. There were millions of questions going through your head. “Are all monsters real? Are there more of you? Why did you go through the haunt with your vampire faces? Why did you…um….have fun with me?”

The boys chuckled. It seemed like this was the first time someone actually asked about them rather than scream and run away in fright. That was the last thing you wanted to do. Now more than ever you just wanted to be with them. They pulled you in deeper, and you weren’t scared at all.

“We actually don’t really know if there are other creatures out there,” Dwayne answered first.

“There are tons of us, but we’re our own pack. No other vampires mess with us,” Paul added.

“It’s easy to blend in and hunt when you’re among other monsters in a place like this. After all, you certainly thought we were just actors, didn’t ya?” Marko said with a wink.

David stepped closer to you, reaching out a gloved hand to touch you. It was just like the last time, all sweet touches and soft expressions. You sighed as you gazed into those eyes. Blue or yellow, you never wanted to look away.

“We were enchanted by you, darling human,” David purred. “You were just far too cute and we wanted to give you a good time. You certainly did that for us~”

“So…now what…?” you asked. What did one do after learning that vampires are a very real thing and that they like you enough to fuck your brains out? David must have sensed your uncertainty because he took your hand in his, soothing you with the touch of leather.

“First thing first. We owe you a nice dinner out since you correctly guessed who was taking that cute body of yours from behind~"

Sure enough, Dwayne winked at you, signaling that you did right by crying out his name. Your flushed face only heated up more. 

"We wanna get to know you a bit better. You're one of us now after all"

You smiled sweetly, feeling really good about yourself and what you had going with them. All this time you were frightened of what could grab you in the dark. Now you saw that the monsters were actually quite nice. 

With your hands now wrapped around David's arm, you let him take the lead down the path of the boardwalk. He nuzzled you and kissed your forehead once more before leading the way. 

He was right, you thought to yourself. There's no need to be scared of the dark.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Ok I have returned with a request for sjsm so here I go, could you do spooky who meets reader who is a ghost has been at the mansion long before the specimens made the mansion their home along with spooky

"Boo!! Did I scare you??"

"Ah...! You did! You gave me quite a fright!" Pretending to faint, you placed a hand over your still heart. Then the tiniest of grins formed on your lips as you gazed down at the blue-haired girl in a devil costume.

Somehow this 9 year old child--who called herself "Spooky" and insisted that was her real name--managed to infiltrate the mansion that you inherited from your elders...which you now haunted for all eternity after passing on a long time ago.

You don't recall what exactly did you in, but it was just tragic enough for you to become a ghost. And until you figured out what or why...you'll remain here, attached to this mansion. It was actually not half-bad, although it did get quite lonely up here, especially in recent years.

Rumors around the town began to spread about the precise origins of the mansion.....none of which were true, but sadly you couldn't give any of them the whole story, even if you tried.

Any contact you've attempted to make with humans would only lead to them pointing at you, screaming "ghost" at the top of their lungs, and promptly running away with their hands in the air.

That's how it's been for decades...although as of late people have become less superstitious. They started seeing ghosts, poltergeists, etc. as things of fiction. The only ones they "believed in" were Halloween costumes where kids wore white sheets and cut-out two holes for the eyes.

Apparently, the rumors of your mansion ceased to exist as well. So you haven't had a visitor in a long time....until Spooky came along and bravely entered alone.

Despite her name, the truth was that she was far too cute to ever be considered "spooky". But you didn't want her to feel discouraged, especially after she mentioned her own parents believing she's too young to be interested in Edgar Allan Poe. So you went along with her act to keep her happy.

As they say, "confidence is key".

"Good." Smirking in triumph, Spooky set down her plastic pitchfork on one of the tables, before climbing up the bunk bed ladder, sitting on the top mattress. There, she emptied her pumpkin-themed bucket upside down, candy spilling out into a pile. "Say...do you like candy?"

"I used to." You nodded, floating up to see her sorting her treats into different stacks. "But I can't exactly...eat it anymore."

"..ohhh, right, right..." She muttered, looking disappointed that she forgot that simple fact, although her cheerful attitude perked right back up. "Sooooo what's it like being a ghost? I bet you're a natural at scaring people! Can you teach me some tricks??" She tilted her head curiously.

"Ah, well..I don't do anything special." You shook your head, sighing. "I just need to...appear to them and they'd freak out. Nowadays, kids just come up this hill and dare each other to knock on the door. If they do see me...they call me a "dumb actor". Nothing I do scares them anymore. I wish I had some good advice for you, Spooks, but the truth is nobody believes in ghosts anymore. We're just make-believe to them..."

Although you felt kinda bad for dumping your problems on this child, she seemed to be absolutely focused on your words, her frown only growing as she munched on a chocolate bar. She gazed up at the full moon in thought, although she wondered how the glass windows stayed squeaky-clean when they were alllll the way up there.

But she snapped out of it, realizing there's a more pressing issue at hand:

Ghosts weren't taken seriously anymore.

There had to be a way to change that!

"Hmph..I think what this town needs is a haunted house...a real one. Not a cheap cardboard maze or anything dumb like that." She huffed. "This place is a perfect setting! Maybe one day I can help you haunt this place! And we can invite some friends and build up our own ghost army! That way, everybody will be scared again!"

You blinked in surprise at her never-ending optimism. She was truly an advocate for ghosts. 'Wow...for a nine year old, her imagination is quite vast..'

"It..would be a good way to remind people that the dead are still living among them.." You agreed. "I do miss hearing their screams of fear."

"Yes! I mean..who dares say you're "make-believe"?? You're the living--or erm..unliving proof that ghosts still exist!" She was swift to correct herself, puffing her cheeks out. "I promise you, [y/n]...someday people will take us seriously. We'll even show the whole world what ghosts are capable of!!"

"I'm sure we will, Spooks. I'm sure we will.." Chuckling softly, you entertained the idea, but knew something like that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

After all, this was just the product of one Halloween fan's overactive imagination.

There's no way she could singlehandedly assemble an entire army of ghosts without becoming a ghost herself..

..right?

[adultswim2021]

Delocated #7: “Sick of It!” | March 30, 2009 - 12:15AM | S01E07

The season finale that luckily didn’t turn out to be a series finale. In this episode, Jon is at the park to get custody of David, which is one of Jon’s favorite things to do. David is dropped off by Susan’s bodyguard/boyfriend. David is also wearing a motorcycle helmet. David’s insistence on wearing the helmet around is due to his bodyguard’s influence; he owns a motorcycle and apparently made an off-handed joke about leading your day-to-day life in a helmet that David took a little too much to heart. Jon orders the production to halt so he can father his child privately, and not on camera. When they refuse, Jon flips out. He eventually grabs one of the cameras and takes off with it. 

After shaking the show and his family, Jon films himself from the confines of a bush. Eventually he lures a fella named Mark played by Michael Shannon, an actor whose name I knew, but I can’t for the life of me ever recall seeing him in a motion picture. I’ve literally had multiple conversations with people who mentioned his name in some context and I just nodded as if I knew who they were talking about. So that’s who that guy is! He’s great in this! I think I like this guy!

So Mark, played by Michael Shannon from Delocated S01E07, decides to be friends with Jon after Jon beckons him to be in the bush with him. Eventually they hatch a scheme to exchange lives. Mark and Jon exchange clothes (NOTE: the DVD contains the entire take of them changing clothes, but it's sped-up, so you can see exactly how laborious it was to film), and then Mark exits the bush when Jon’s loved ones all come out looking for him. This is the moment the Mirminskis strike, shooting and killing Mark (dressed as Jon). 

The episode ends with Jon doing a Tom Sawyer to his own funeral, walking in with the video camera during Susan’s eulogy for him. He shoves the camera in people’s faces and taunts them. He retrieves his ski mask (his face is pixelated out in the actual show) and very nobily oversees a funeral for his once-friend. 

This is probably my favorite episode of the season. It relies on the simple premise that Jon is enamored with the idea of being bros with people. The concept of friendship is extremely important to him, because he probably finds himself in need of allies on a constant basis due to his terrible behavior. It’s like a numbers game for him. So he and Mark bond very quickly. Their scenes together are wonderful.

The bit at the end where Jon eulogizes his friend and decides to throw a proper funeral for him using the handful of things he knew about him to give it personal flare (pall bearers on roller blades and the presence of his candy apple red dodge durango) is so fun. The part where Jon rehashes all of his Mark facts to the people attending his own funeral is wonderful.

At the end of the episode, Jon drives away in Mark’s bitchin’ ride, and his bodyguard bolts for him, making it seem like Jon has now successfully fled the program. Will he be back for a second season?? Will it be expanded from 11 minutes to 22?? My friend! Time will tell my friend. 

MAIL BAG

It is mail bag my friend. I love you:

Why did you put a picture of Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick above your writeup of some dumb british show I never heard about?

(Joe Biden voice) C'mon man...

Using my napkin math I saw you took 5 tasty tuesdays last month. It was the holidays so sure it's okay to take one more tasty tuesday than usual. However, you have already taken 2 tasty tuesdays in january and we are all 6 days in. And I fear you may take one tonight.

Sometimes I think I need brain medicine (probably, actually) because I lack focus, and part of that includes me losing patience with the concept of burdening myself with a nightly mandate to post. But then I realize that by skipping days and simply not caring makes me one of the only people living on Earth who truly knows freedom. Stay safe, and happy January 6th, my friend.

[fledglingmaster]

Dissecting the past:

In 2021 I came to realize that I have a past life from another source that is parallel to my life as Ciel. Well, as close to parallel as possible, my birth was 4 years and a few months off. This life and world are an altered version of the one I had as Ciel. One could argue my life as Ciel is from an altered life as well when compared to the current world. I will not bore you (reader) with my rambling on alternate universes or multiverses. The basic idea is that someone changed the world as it was known and now everyone still exists but perhaps differently than how they were. There are now other supernatural beings that have clashed with humans.

As Ciel, I was not aware of this other life. As…hmm what should I call him? Let’s go with “Vincent.” As “Vincent,” I was aware of my life as Ciel. I had the ability to see some of the alterations that took place and what the “true past” was like. I only gained this ability after I inherited what I deemed a curse. Most of my childhood I was unaware of this other life. It wasn’t until my late teens that I was marked. By the time I ran into Sebastian, who wasn’t a demon but something else, I knew it was him instantly. I came on a tad strong, in my defense I was dealing with two lifetimes of trauma. Sadly, he didn’t recall me as most did not. I decided to not divulge our shared past. I was stubborn and hoped he would remember it on his own. I hoped anyone would. (As I still do, yet here I am being vague. I don’t name a source because I want the memories to come back organically. I want someone to stumble upon it and connect the dots for themselves. And yes, there is a bit of fear of someone going, “meh, I don’t see it.”)

Now with two pasts…current day me has had some confusion. It’s kind of like watching two movies at the same time with the exact same actors, set in the same period, and trying to keep them straight. There are some common themes as well. I adopted someone else’s name/identity. I was orphaned. I had a traumatic childhood. I had a brother, though not by blood originally. Undertaker brought him back, yet again. Sebastian wasn’t human and I was still appetizing to him, though he wasn’t a demon. He still loves cats. Undertaker was causing chaos behind the scenes.

More: Sieglinde was considered a witch of the forest, and she had Wolfram by her side. William was too serious for his own good and wanted everything done by the book. Grell was just as murderous as before and still had gender issues. Edward had some weird rivalry with me, though this time he was a woman, and he was interested in Sebastian. Mey-Rin had a small crush on Sebastian. Finny was sunny as always. Bard was kind of moody. Madam Red met her end in front of me again. Lizzie and I loved each other, though it was a little different.

I’m sure you can see how difficult it can be to separate everything. There were things I remembered that I thought was from my time as Ciel that really was as my time as “Vincent.” One major thing, I thought the cult had conducted medical experiments on me and my brother. That was as Vincent. I thought I might have struggled with a morphine dependance at one point, also Vincent. I thought I went through some kind of transformation, despite being very aware of my death…Vincent once more. I’m now filtering any memories that come through, which life does it make more sense in? Some are obvious, others are trickier.

Why am I writing this? I guess I just want to be transparent. I know I can’t be the only one going through this and maybe by sharing this it could help someone else. I tend to keep to myself in the kin community, I am rather shy. But I haven’t heard much on anyone experiencing this. My messages and inbox are always open, if anyone wants to chat or has questions. At the least, I hope someone found this interesting and maybe they’ve gained a new perspective.

[uselessbard1031]

UselessBard1031 101

A user on Ao3 just asked me what I'm like and I realized that after these few years a few of you might like to know as well. So, I replied there and I'll repost the response here.

If any of you ever have questions about me or my stories dm me, comment! :) I really love hearing from you <3

***

"Hello!

I will start off by saying I do recognize your user name. It's still so crazy to me that I have readers who have followed me that long.

As for your query, I'm not sure what you'd like to know, so I suppose I'll just offer up a UselessBard 101, lol.

I am in my 20s, I have blue eyes and blonde curly hair; I'm 5'5 and 125ish pounds with tattoos all down my arms and an extra special top secret tattoo only very special ladies and actors sharing a changing room with me get to see ;) (my Tumblr pfp is pretty much me lol). I was going to do a face reveal during livestreaming but, as I've mentioned in some author notes, I'm starting a Cruise Ship job this month so I won't be able to do so, unfortunately. (But never say never!)

As for hobbies, I write, act (currently I work as a scare actor at a haunted house), bake, crochet, sew, do martial arts (Marcaida Kali, Krav Maga, Haitian Grappling, Mhuy Tai, Boxing, Ju Jitsu, Judo, Taekwondo, Kendo, and bits of others), I do yoga everyday along with meditation, and I love love love to read (currently reading Later by Stephen King and the Pali Canon).

My favorite color is red, specifically Crayola Crayon red, like, the color that comes out of the crayon labeled simply red. My favorite food is a garbage plate (though I'm a vegetarian and Rochester Meat Hot Sauce is a must on any plate so I just cry instead of indulging lol). My favorite book is a tie between both books in the Parker and Pentecost series by Steven Spotswood (Stephen?) (Lillian Pentecost is another one of my fictional crushes because omgodddddd that woman <3) My favorite film is Bullet Train (yes that modern one; I just love it sm and relate to Ladybug on another level).

I've been writing since, well, forever. There was this thing at my elementary school called the 'friendship pole'. It was just an old tetherball pole they had taken the ball off of when parents decided tetherball was 'too dangerous' of a game for us kids. The concept being that if you were a friendless little child, you would go sit by the pole and someone would ask you to play. Well, I'd go there every recess and sit and wait and watch other kids get asked to play and never me. It was tricky then to get a swing or slide without being 'in' with whatever group had claimed them that day. So I started bringing a notebook. That's the first time I can really remember writing for fun. By the end of fifth grade I was finsihing my first 'novel' (I have no idea if it actually met the wordcount for a novel, it was just however long a composition notebook was).

The story was called 'BroadFire' and was about a girl from a horse farm who befriended a wild horse. she had named the thing BroadFire, hence the name. Anyway, I don't remember much other than that he father didn't approve for some reason -- I think he thought it was dangerous because it was wild -- so he sought to kill it. In the original ending he did kill Broadfire, but I know my mom yelled at me for that so I think I ended up changing it, though I can't recall what to. That proves then that my original ending was definitely the best, or at least the most memorable.

I guess that's me then. Um, other labels are Buddhist, Lesbian, German/Irish American. Not really sure what more to say, so I hope I've helped you know me a bit better. <3 :)"

[half-assed-movie-reviews]

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022)

I really like this movie. I don’t know if it’s just because I associate it with a sentimental moment in my life, or if it’s really profound, or if it’s a comfort movie for me, but regardless, this movie is what love feels like to me. That being said, I could not explain the plot in a remotely coherent manner. To some extent, this movie is just a smoothie of emotions whipped together with an occasional scene that I can somewhat recall. Perhaps this is an indication that I should rewatch the film before shouting my opinion about it to the broader internet, but if I were to do that, I would need to change my url to full-assed-movie-reviews, and personally I am not prepared for the responsibility of being double-cheeked up like that. Here are some of the highlights I can recall from the movie:

Acting: The cast for this movie does an exceptional job of making people care about the character they’re portraying. With many movies, it’s easy to get disengaged from the plot simply due to the dry, crusty performances delivered by the actors involved, but even the slow parts of this movie had my attention fully locked in. I felt like I knew Michelle Yeoh personally and I wanted nothing more than to see her correct her accounting errors with the IRS. I realize this is obviously a joint effort between the writers, directors, and actors, but I think the performances from nearly the entire staff were incredibly emotional and moving in a way many films don’t even begin to achieve.

Themes: This movie highlights several different ideologies throughout its runtime, which is really fun to watch. If you’re like me in the sense that your critical thinking skills get dulled while watching movies, it’s especially fun because you will think “yeah that’s based” every time the film presents a new philosophy, only for them to denounce it a few minutes later. It makes me feel a little stupid but damn if I didn’t go through major character development during those 2 hours and 19 minutes. I think my ultimate takeaway from the movie is that there is no rational way to make sense of life, and the only appropriate response to the natural cruelty of the universe is to counter it with love. Personally I think that’s based as hell, but if you’re less idealistic that may rub you the wrong way. 

Music: I think the music in this movie is exceptionally pretty, and adds to the emotional moments in the film. Can I name a single song from the movie? No. I haven’t even bumped the soundtrack since watching it. But I like it and I think any song with piano is automatically the most beautiful song ever written.

Story: I love how the movie focuses on a small family despite the existential scale of the plot. It really reinforces the message of how painfully insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, but how important it is to show love and be loved nonetheless. Obviously I don’t plan on spoiling the details of the film in my review but I think the writers did an outstanding job at making the scope of the plot simultaneously inconceivably large and deeply small and intimate. I will not elaborate just watch it please

There really isn’t much to say for negative aspects of the movie. I will attempt to criticize it regardless but I cherish this movie with all my heart:

The Name: Bro I get that it’s quirky and indie and such but Jesus Christ shorten the name of the movie. I be out here copying and pasting the name so I don’t have to write it out again. I feel stupid talking about this movie because the name of the film is an entire sentence on its own. I know this is a surface level criticism but it bothers me so cry about it

Rewatching: This movie could definitely use a few rewatches to get a solid grasp on its entire message. This isn’t really a negative, in fact, I’m sure many people will feel that it adds value to the movie. This is only really a downside when you’re attempting to review the movie online 3 months after seeing it without rewatching it, or if you simply can’t afford to go to the theater a second time. But this can also be a major plus, since there’s so much more you can get out of the movie even if you’ve already seen it twice or three times.

Overall, this film means a lot to me and I value its bold effort to address inconceivably large ideas, while still maintaining the warmth and comfort of a traditional character study. It is an incredibly daunting concept that the film pulled off just right, which secures it a strong spot as one of my favorite movies I’ve seen so far. At the moment, it is ranked #3 out of 92 movies on my list of every film I’ve seen, and I think it may hold that spot for a long time.

Final score: 5/5 stars. Possibly a life changing experience go watch it right now 

[harborpointeblvd]

I Watched Every GMMTV BL Series part 3/?

2016/2017 2018

2019 feels like a turning point. Like, this was the year they decided to try making good series. I know I didn't have great things to say about the older series, but I generally go into a series wanting to like it and I tend to be pretty forgiving.

FYI, I know some of these names have multiple spellings. I'm just using whatever spelling was used in the subtitles on YouTube.

He’s Coming to Me - 2019

After dying on his twenty-second birthday, Med (Singto Prachaya) remains as a ghost in the cemetery. He relives his death every night in his dreams, but can’t recall any of his life. After many years with no human visitors, Med is visited by a boy named Thun who can seemingly see and hear him. Years later, Thun returns as a university student (Ohm Pawat), and proposes that Med live with him so they can solve the mystery of Med’s untimely death.

This drama was so close to being perfect. Ohm gave a great performance. Singto was so much better in this than in SOTUS. It had a healthy balance of drama and comedy, without the drama ever feeling forced. I just felt a little let down by the ending. Spoilers ahead.

So, I was fully prepared for a sad ending. And as much as I love a happy ending, this was a rare case where I felt like a sad ending would have been better. Giving this impossible romance a miracle happy ending felt like a copout. It felt like fanservice. Like they set out to tell a new and interesting story, but didn’t have the guts to disappoint anyone with a sad ending. And then I'm the one left to grapple with the logistics of dating a ghost. But my biggest problem with the ending was that they fucking solved the mystery behind Med’s death and then just forgave his murderer who has been living free of consequences for twenty years and absolutely no one has a problem with it.

Not even trying not to look like a lunatic.

Theory of Love - 2019

Third (Gun Atthaphan) and Khai (Off Jumpol) are third year film majors in university and best friends. Third has harbored secret feelings for Khai for three years, but Khai is a serial dater and (supposedly) straight. Khai constantly takes advantage of Third’s loyalty, unaware of his true feelings. After repeatedly having his feelings hurt by Khai, Third decides to get over him once and for all. But when Third tries to take a step back, suddenly Khai is ready to take a step forward.

I think…I liked this series? I mean, like, I was ready to throw hands every 40 seconds, but that means I was invested, right? I liked Third, but he’s such a pushover I wanted to strangle him. Gun is an excellent actor, but just because he can cry on command doesn’t mean I want to see him do it for twelve episodes straight. Khai is an asshole, not just as a love interest, but as a friend. I don’t think I’ve ever actively rooted against a male lead so hard. The side pairings are kind of forgettable.

Anyways, Third mentions the movie Flipped several times, and despite having seen the movie and loving the book as a kid, it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that this series is just doing Flipped. I have to say, I’m a sucker for the unrequited love switcheroo premise. Which is probably why I like Theory of Love maybe more than it deserves. But I'm not as bad as Third, whose favorite movie is Flipped.

Me trying to get through all these shows.

Dark Blue Kiss - 2019

A sequel to Kiss Me Again (2018), following Pete (Tay Tawan) and Kao (New Thitipoom). After three years together, their relationship is still a secret from almost everyone, including Kao’s mother. This causes insecurity in Pete, especially after Kao starts to tutor his mom’s boss’s son, Non (AJ Chayapol). Torn between helping his mom and placating his boyfriend, Kao decides to continue tutoring Non in secret.

It’s hard to explain, but the way this drama tiptoed over that line into overdramatic hit an angsty sweet-spot for me in a way these dramas rarely do. I’m gonna mark this one down as a guilty pleasure, because despite Pete being an absolute red flag, I loved this series. It was hard to watch Kao dig himself into a hole, but it’s easy to see why he did, because Pete is completely unreasonable from the start. And why, because he felt threatened by some baby-faced high school kid? AJ looks like a toddler in this series. A seven foot toddler who I want to punch in the mouth, but a toddler nonetheless.

Minor spoiler here, Non’s ending felt unresolved. As much as I hated that little punk, seeing him being dragged off by his abusive, homophobic dad was not in any way satisfying.

I am happy to report that you do not need to watch Kiss Me Again to follow this series. It was good to see the whole group of college friends return, since they were one of the few parts of that series I enjoyed. The side pair is also two returning characters from Kiss Me Again. If you tend to like side pairs, you’ll probably like them, but I’m generally indifferent to side pairs, so they were fine.

*dramatic violin*

Soulmate - The One. Like he was created for me, specifically. Sugar Daddy - He may not have it all, but he knows how to spoil me. Friend With Benefits - Despite my better judgment, I went and caught feelings. Second Lead - All my friends love him, but I don’t feel the spark. Overeager Pursuer - Tries to be cute but just gets on my nerves. Vindictive Ex - It’s like he’s punishing me for knowing I could do better. Love Rival - Literally what did I do to deserve this?

[forgetmenot-mymoon]

The Legend of The Lady of The North

(But refined and all together)

Prologue

A year ago, maybe two, I can’t recall the date when it all went wrong anymore. I hated lying.

My hatred for lying was to the extent that even if I should’ve said sorry, I didn't if I wasn't truly. I was a truthful little flower, a little princess. I hated lying, especially about my feelings. I wanted people to know me. I preferred being a flowing river. Now I have a dam. I thought you didn’t affect me even though you raised me, but that was a lie to myself. How does that make you feel? Impressed? Good, I don’t care. I don't care about much anymore. If I can, I will run and hide for my safety. I am a leech. I will run. I will hide. Communicating used to matter for me, I used to do it all the time. I used to tell you two all the wrongs and stupidities of your screams. Even with things I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have yelled all those times. It only added fuel to the fire of iron and oxygen. I should’ve kept quiet and let the river flow, maybe none of this would've happened... I tried fixing things by myself, I should've stayed silent. However, now I see people do the same, making the same mistakes, and being foolish. I must stop them. If anyone sees, if anyone guesses I go to the shadows until they forget about me. Sometimes I'll even come down in another form and I’ll lie. I’ll lie about the day, I’ll lie about who I am. I’ll apologize, it will be a lie. I’ll say I’m busy, it will be a lie. I am a disgusting bug in comfy sweaters and beautiful skirts.

I didn’t realize how bad it was until that day. How much I fought back and how much that destroyed my kingdom. Now I’ve changed completely.

Part of me screams stop from the abyss, it wants out. However old dogs are never released from the pound.

I thought I was healthy, I thought I was good, and to an extent I am.

Only because

I don’t care.

If they hurt me, if they leave,

I do not care.

However, now I am a liar.

With a mask to hide it all.

And every time, every time another crack forms. I started wearing it more and more. It will be cemented on my face soon enough.

Even if I’m all alone now, even if they all die, even if I die, the mask will stay.

Act One

The audience of the dark was gathered, and the stage was set.

“Once upon a time-“ the princess started.

“Don’t start it off with some fairytale shit Hailey.” The knight was always so critical.

“At least my name isn’t Kyle! Shut up and let me tell the tale!”

She was strong.

“Why do you have to be the one to tell it?”

He was foolish.

“I’ve grown up in the mountains, it’s only right I do it! Your family doesn’t even own a gun!”

“Just let her tell it Kyle,” The red-headed maid finally spoke.

Trish and Kyle were the ones next to Hailey’s ocean-blue hair. They were to become the actors while other kids watched. This was their daily school get-together, also called recess. Even though it wasn’t that, it was just a break. The school tried to end recess and turn it into study time, but it didn’t work. Kids just went outside with their textbooks and told ghost stories near the not-allowed-to-use fire pit.

“Okay, okay, gather around!” Hailey was beautiful. She lit up the room, as they always say after people pass. She never did though. It would’ve been better if she did.

“Legend says there’s a masked woman who lives in the mountains, few have ever seen her though-“

“And there’s no evidence!” Boys are always an annoyance.

“Kyle shut up!”

Her dyed hair always sparkled in the sun like the ocean, along with her sweet chocolate eyes. That beauty was a lie.

“Anyway, few have ever seen her. However, hunters still fear her and that’s why barely anyone goes too high on the mountain. It’s said if you find a creature without a head, you’re already too far gone in her territory. Snowfall is said to be a warning to beware her,“

Snaps of branches and leaves grew from the woods.

The woods itself followed her lead.

The hunter's spirit was in her bones.

Oh, how I miss those times.

“They say if you go too far in you get your head cut off or worse, of course, no one’s ever actually found a body though.”

“We should totally go up there, I wanna see.”

“Kyle, you are so bad at ideas!” Trish said holding onto her M&M necklace, that was her personality. She was hyper-fixated on M&M lore. Her mother shockingly didn’t mind it and even supported it. Trish’s parents were those loving old people who made pies for the neighbors. They were…perfect.

Kyle was a stereotypical boy, foolish, he wasn't a jock though. He didn't do much of anything, he stayed in the shadows until the princess needed her knight. His parents weren't very present but they were there nonetheless.

On the other mountain, Hailey’s mother was strict. She lived in the mountains, a twenty-minute drive from the school and her friends. She only went to public school for high school, her divorced parents thought it would be best after everything. Homeschool would only hurt her more is what her father, Timothy always said. While her mother moved to the city to find a new life, she visited every summer while Hailey’s father was busy.

The bell rang but the three lagged behind, “I say we should, we can have a sleepover at my house. Then when it’s light we can travel more up through the trails the hunters use. Or, or I know how to drive the ATV!”

The night came, and the cabin was cozy. Even with the raging domestic issues it was still home. The living room with her friends was like fire in the raging winter. Hailey felt safe even with the crosses of God slowly disappearing from the house.

The house had two stories, plus a basement, the middle had the fire so it’s where they all slept in the living room, with the dining room and door in sight. The upstairs was actually where the real living happened. You could think of it, as the real world. It’s where dark clouds came lurking around corners while staring at a page, or in Trish’s life would be a phone. It’s where the yelling voices lived…and where they died.

The stars aligned. I wonder if it was fate.

Act Two

Life is like snowfall,

It falls

It melts

Life is like a bitter game of chess.

They all helped Hailey's dad get firewood inside, they would need it for a sleepover after all. It was fun, Kyle even threw a log at Trish. Did Hailey truly belong with them?

After that, they made a fort in the living room and Hailey made the hot coco her mother had taught her to.

Trish finished her cup, “Don’t you have something more scary about the lady than that? I think you’ve mentioned another story before.”

“My uncle did tell me a story of his cousin's death, supposedly she killed him. But also he was weird plus he’s in jail so I’m unsure if he’s trustworthy.”

“Just tell us! Earlier was boring, it’s only just us and Kyle now. Tell us!”

“Yeah, outside of here Trish is the queen of drama.”

“Oh shut up dude!”

They were like siblings. Especially Trish and Kyle, those two had known each other since kindergarten.

“So his cousin, Henry went up the mountain to do some hunting, he had already caught a deer but it was pretty small. So he decided to go higher, hopefully for bigger deer. His younger brother, John followed suit, but a bit farther behind.

John then heard a crunch of a deer's body in front of him missing its head, along with birds, and beheaded cries lying all around. They would never fly again, never sing, never sob.

He heard Henry scream for his time was up.

When he got there, he hid at the sight of her.

Henry’s neck was snapped, her boot on his neck, her boot had a blade on the front, she tipped it to snap off his head completely-“

“That’s not possible!”

“Kyle.” Trish glared, she handed him her cup, go get everyone more hot coco you nerd.”

He stared back, “I’ll put cyanide in yours,” ironic.

“Oh, I dare you,” Hailey ignored the ones beneath her charades.

“Anyway, John watched, her hair was as white as the snow, and her skin was as well. Except for her hands, they were black with dots like stars. Her mask covered all her face-“

“Like that one character -“ Kyle interrupted, again.

Trish proceeded to drag him to the kitchen. They were in earshot still so Hailey continued as she stared at the blazing heat. It was a nice warmth. Would she feel it ever again?

“Her face mask was all white except black for the eyes, tears dripped from it, onto the snowy ground. John thought he heard her mutter, “Life is a sea, one drop loss is nothing” as she lifted her spear made of ice out of the snow. her hand did not melt it in the slightest. John couldn’t move, he waited till the dead of night. He ran in the darkness, the stars barely showing under the trees. Eventually, days later he was found.”

“Dead?” The maid gasped.

“Dead, he had slipped and died while trying to find the way back to his cabin that’s still in the mountains to this day. The story was found in the journal he kept with him, and Henry was never found so a majority of the family and friends believed it. Some still thought it was a ploy or a made-up fantasy. I’ve never seen anything but the mountains feel different. Humans don’t rule here. I feel like anything is possible here, both good and bad”

With that, they all called it a night, full of warmth from the fire and sugar from the chocolate.

___

The morning came, far too soon. The children prepared, Hailey’s family owned all the snow wear one would need, even if most were hand-me-downs. One was even Henry’s, Kyle was wearing that one. Hailey went upstairs to tell her dad, he wasn’t there anymore but her mother was, back from a trip.

They argued over whether to take the ATV or walk. Hailey who was pacing like a deer who saw a lion finally convinced them the ATV would be faster, and safer.

She was barely old enough to drive it, however she’d been driving it since she was ten. It was the Princess’s stead.

They traveled up and up, the sun shining down on the friends. It looked as if God had blessed them.

“I found an antler!” The knight lifted his prize for all to see.

The group went up and up, laughing like the children they once were.

They set up a spot, making a fire, enjoying the view, taking pictures. It's one of my fondest memories.

You may be wondering, when did I strike? I wasn’t there yet.

However, the clouds darkened and brought forth snowflakes.

When the snow got heavier they needed shelter, thankfully they found my cabin.

The stage props were finally set up.

Act Three

Every move matters, like a game of chess, like acting. Which move is the right one?

After all the events of my life, I’ve wondered this very thought.

It keeps me awake till the stars dim.

I ran until my lungs bled red from the effort, the figure was behind me. Never ending, never slowing. The only thing keeping me from her midnight claws was the limp the lady had.

The mountain was steep but I had it memorized by heart and head. This was my home after all. However the other inhabitants morphed it over the seasons, and I could’ve sworn I had never seen the edge- Suddenly I was in the air.

My ankle became a rotten red, as I limped back to the place of memories, of hot chocolate, of warm fires, of screams, Rred flashed my vision with the ringing in my entire body.. it wasn’t home. Not anymore. Red everywhere, guts everywhere.

Then blank.

I don’t remember what happened. I don’t remember. That's what I told the police as the ambulance came, hopefully, they will concrete the act.

___

No one knew how a bear got in, or how I survived.

“I don’t remember what happened.” Became my mantra as my ankle screaming like a dying fawn. Officers, doctors, and everyone trying to find out what happened so quickly, they don’t even let you process it happened within hours. Auntie Kate came, she flew in from Detroit. She barely even spoke to me she looked like she’d seen a ghost, sometimes I wondered if I was the ghost. No one knew where my friends were. They were all worried, crying parents and worried aunts everywhere.

The police hadn’t gotten much. Auntie Kaye decided to go behind their back, and let me in the house to get my stuff, Only a day after is all. since I was so depressed. All I did was cry about missing my blanket and items like a baby. With all her traffic tickets she wasn’t much for a law. She was an old “Come back with a warrant,” southern lady at heart. She still had barely spoken to me, she only gave me pats of encouragement and one-word answers. So when I got back in I decided to never leave my home again.

I tracked up to the mountain, to an old cabin. John’s old cabin, My old cabin. Refusing to be seen by Auntie Kaye, smoking a cigarette near her car.

They were there sleeping peacefully,

Sleep meds belonging to Martha really knocked people out, the dose alone to kill. They were the same meds she used on dear old Dad. They would be awake soon, they would know, and they would ruin this. I wasn’t going to kill my true family, but how was I supposed to get them out? I was still human after all.

In my cabin there were old sleds, they used to belong to my cousins and their dad. I could attach their sleeping bodies to it and then throw them down, that would be the best chance of survival for both parties.

I am so selfish.

I am the joker of the cards,

I’m not a princess after all.

The Tale

what did you think this was a ghost story?

No.

This is a human story.

After many years though, stories of legend formed.

Once there was a girl, with brown hair and brown eyes however she was red and heated with anger. Her match was a blue-eyed man with calming tides. Country boy with a city girl, an earthquake with tsunami.

Eventually, the girl turned into a woman, and the boy turned into a man.

The woman became his iron queen, she brought order and religion to the house. She only softened for him, especially after the death of his mother. This death gave them a kingdom of their own, in the mountains with tales of fear…but also of love.

The man became the oxygen king, bringing life and happiness to the home.

They had pets there and eventually, they produced a child.

The daughter was a princess, but she had evil iron poisoning her veins. A princess made their castle complete. However Martha wasn’t ready, she never wanted a child. The king loved her even if she was an accident after all. This iron hate poisoned the iron queen. Hurricanes broke out, fires started all across the land. They stopped whenever the princess cried, her cries could stop the nastiest of blizzards.

One day the queen left. The kingdom fell to ruin for a long time. Nature even attempted to reconquer it but the king and the princess held fast, hoping for relief or the return.

The iron queen did return. She wanted time with the princess, the king was confused, but he allowed it, she was her mother after all.

In the summer, or sometimes whenever the queen decided, Hailey would go to a kingdom in a sea of lights and music. This was different from the mountains the princess disliked it but she was her daughter. A mother needs a daughter. A daughter needs a mother. Even though they fought and didn't get along, they needed each other… right?

Years passed with this system.

Once her arrival was a sudden fury, the princess got her maid and knight for protection, the queen was angry but she would deal with them later, she went upstairs the king was up writing, he wasn't happy but both couldn't dare to alert the knights the iron queen infected her victim with words, smoke, and sleep. The king passed with her iron in his heart and blood. That morning the princess found him upstairs, the queen was waiting for them to leave, so she did.

She was her mother's child though, she knew iron poison herself. The princess king and maid went off on the adventure but bad weather crept in so they sought shelter, the princess putting sleeping beans in their water. Once they were out she told the storm to stop, and it obeyed. She ran down the hill, not wanting to waste time, and she ended up spraining her ankle, she trusted the mountains too much for a princess. Her mother was packing, and the iron queen turned and smiled at her. The queen had iron but the princess had the real magic.

Knights came to console her, no one knew what had happened, and the princess claimed amnesia and trauma. The doctors agreed, and the knights agreed. She made it back up the mountains to the knight and maid, her trusted companions, she didn't want them to die…but what else could she do to keep them from telling the truth?

The princess ran, she hid, in the mountains of her home, just out of sight of her old life. An old cabin became her home, she lived off the land calling the winds and clouds to her aid. Eventually, she became somewhat of an animal herself. Her face was that of the iron queen, the face was hers, she wasn't her anymore, so she dawned a mask that was the closest to her own home, she changed her hair and her posture, and she became a lie. In that cabin in the mountains, she became a lady, the lady of the north they call her now.

The mountains can be boring, Her boredom leads to methods of iron, killing hunters and animals alike...It is rumored that sometimes the lady misses her old life so she comes down and mingles, puts flowers near the graves of her family, and makes some new friends before disappearing under the guise of “Oh I’m sorry I'm moving already,” Or some other lies. She is such a vile beast.

Even with this mask, I will always be the narrator of my tale. I will form the stories they remember with my iron claws.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary164

2/25-26/2024

sunday - monday

exporting the song again rn.

to be honest i am writing this ahead of midnight but i have thoughts in my head and also, surprisingly, i feel like playing video games. so rn i want to get my thoughts down, check the song, and thennn, idk, maybe play video games...

anyway the thoughts:

today something dumb happened i don't really need to go into, saying something even 'happened' is probably the incorrect read but i am usually too sensitive to what people say and how they say it, it was a discussion about misgendering and i had said "you can misgender a pet it doesn't matter," which is true, i think (i dislike ascribing human features to animals it feels grotesque especially when kindness between you and an animal (any animal, not pets) is founded on material grounds over anything else), but a whole thing came out of it, about misgendering and talking about it in front of me like i have no concept of that, idk, i know my name on discord says 'boy' but i feel like anyone who really knows me (i felt like some of these people should have) would realize that i'm at least not cis, and beyond that indeterminacy, i don't want to say anything. this obviously sucked, i disliked being talked down to, it felt like, but after i showered and looked at it, it just seemed like people wrapped up in complexes that they could not really shed or whatever and had to explain something to not feel, something, idk. i think i am intimately aware of gendering people and so on, it felt less like it really had anything to do w/ me and instead an internal person they invented out of me saying it's no big deal to not know if a cat is a he or a she and maybe it's funny to not know. i dislike being around people so neurotic, i guess, it just agitates. but the thoughts are actually not even like, about the people here, really.

the thoughts came later thinking on the film 'funeral parade of roses,' which is about transfeminine people in japan in 1969, gay culture at that time, there's documentarian moments interspersed, little interviews with the queens (this seems like a good thing to call them) and one in particular says, i am paraphrasing, of herself when asked why she is a "gayboy" (this was the term at the time) and she, not particularly bothered, i recall at least intones something that feels mostly like 'because', unperturbed by the term and feeling herself really, i think, sort of locating herself in the space granted when one is basically dead to the world, where broader sociality would like to dispose of you. this is aspirational to me, that movie speaks to me deeply, in the experiences it describes and its mania, it feels like something in my heart. i do my makeup like eddie, who is referencing twiggy i imagine, with the drawn on lashes. i carry it with me, as part of my face, as much as i can at least, when do makeup. i never want to do any other look. it's odd, maybe. anyhow, this thought collided with the reading i was doing yesterday from tiqqun in cybernetic hypothesis, not the part about panic but the oscillation between perverse enjoyment of one's desires, and then the involuntarism, the quietude and refusal to speak.

"first gesture, i fashion some reality, i disrupt, and i disrupt myself in the same act. all sabotage has its source there. what my behavior represents at that moment does not exist for the apparatus that is sabotaged along with me. neither 0 or 1 i am the absolute third. my pleasure exceeds the capacity of the apparatus. second gesture, i don't respond to the human or machine feedback loops that attempt to encircle me, like bartleby, i "prefer not to," i stand apart, i don't connect, i stay put. i use my passivity as a force against the apparatuses. neither 0 nor 1, i am the absolute nothingness. first phase: i take my pleasure perversely. second phase: i reserve myself."

tiqqun - the cybernetic hypothesis

i feel the quotation makes the connection more evident, but i feel the actor playing eddie, she elucidates this vantage in her speaking/nonspeaking, her existing and the relative quiet of her responses, at least in memory. perhaps i am wrong textually, or in half measures, but there's something here, i am sure of it. i suppose what i am thinking about right now is the gulf i feel between myself and others re: gender, a lot of the time, i don't want to really elucidate it, i don't want to be intelligible, i don't want to submit to what feel like apparatuses made to wrench people who were for long periods of history, decided to be decadent and deathly, corpses out of the ground, put back into circulation of discourses, every voice will be heard, every voice will speak. a transparency which asks us to confess, the cybernetic forces as an inquisition which ask a conforming to a certain kind of reason. idk, maybe this is too harsh on the people i know, i imagine they'd all basically agree with me, is the thing, but i feel so outside them, i don't engage how they do, i am here, and they are on the other side of something. it feels like their response to me talking about animals, was to revive discourse, or to invent it, and use the mode of discourse, platitudes drawn to maximal length, to lose all meaning but carry much weight, stones of language, the form/gesture itself more meaningful than the content, a method of production, i guess. it all comes down to methods of production, language is production, and for them if i was being 'nihilistic' by saying you could ignore a cat's gender (it has none, it conceives of itself, if it does, as a line passing over history, from meals to beds, from sunlight to elsewhere, and pain and the absence of pain, no subjectivity but the being there a center between many pulsions at any point in time, and needing to decide what it will do), i was being insensitive to meaning, i suppose, i did not mean to be, i care about not hurting people's feelings, i never would really, it just bothers me. i am othered, perpetually, any time i feel like i am speaking loosely. are others so afraid to be loose that they tether themselves to discourse so as to keep themselves, i suppose, holy, clean, pure, and moral? is that all it is. it is strange. no one said anything to me, i was condescended to, it felt like, while at once being ignored, a discourse sprung up beside me and ignored me. this made it more intolerable.

anyway.. i am going to game. i want to use a character i played a lot in elden ring and respec them and remake their face into like, something cute. and cute outfits and stuff or whatever. or idk, it might be better to do a character that needs to go do things.

there was a third char that was like, where i needed them to be, i went and killed the boss you have to kill to access the new areas, when that comes out, in like, 4 months. the boss gave me trouble my first go around but he was way easier this time w/ this build. i forgot that i kind of created a demented caster/sword build, it's a little over powered, which is good tbh, cuz i am bad at video games, basically.

i also did make my character cuter, and change their outfit and name and stuff, that kind of thing is really nice for me, idk why. it's scary looking at what people get up to w/ the sliders tbh, sometimes i look to see how to like, make something look more human, and then i see people kind of making weirdly, idk, it feels oddly sexual, in ways that baffle me.

anyway, outside of playing a video game too much today, what else is there, rn i am re-exporting the problem song, trying to un-dip some of the mids in the main guitar sounds to see if they'll become more present/sound a little less, idk, dead? it's weird, how they sound, it's so close, so far, sad but not frustrating rn.

playing a souls game is so strange, i remember years ago playing ds1, it was such a strange experience, i think one thing about elden ring that disappoints a bit, is it's less sharp visually, so it's a little less idk, surreal, and it lacks i guess like, this kind of unreadability that comes from ds1's weird graphics, being so hd and still kind of evidently abstract. a striking and beautiful game. i think elden ring is very pretty but it's different, i think maybe it inches nearer to that kind of beauty than ds2 or 3, the weird naturalism, but it's not as overwhelming i guess, from ash lake to just how the game made stuff like moss look, idk, it was very uncanny for me, anor londo felt genuinely moving to see, the architecture and its presentation.

thinking about ds1 now and my gender thing from earlier, there's an obvious point of reference for me w/ dark sun gwyndolin who i know started all kinds of annoying debates, all i really know is i always really liked them, and i guess saw something weirdly aspirational about being uncannily beautiful or something, in that way, there were other points in my life where i was developing those ideals, it was one of many i suppose, but they are a character i am fond of, in that kind of way. meaningful to self-development in a way i guess.

here's something cute, gwyndolin's legs w/o the dress attached:

i would like to have snake legs one day.

here's something else cute, today i was finding vintage fabrics on flickr:

i'd like to find something to do w/ these, i imagine they'll be really good for cover art. here's another cute thing i found today, a flickr with some very pretty photos of things a woman owns/her home:

i hope the fourth cute thing i can talk about is this song being good. i need it to be good. i really want it to be right. maybe i am just ssstupidddddddd........ idk.

if that can't be the fourth cute thing, i hope i at least am, or something.

i am probably gonna wake up really late tomorrow.... guhhh

the next time i work is 6-9, at least, that'll give me time to unfuck my sleep. i can see the sun now. i hate it. i want to live under the moon forever, i've always preferred it, i think it's just so pretty.

i would like to record tomorrow but i don't think i'll be able to. i almost wrote that in past tense, like, i would have liked to have recorded tomorrow. which feels true but is a mess to read, but the affect it carries is how i feel. the future's turned to prediction now. but i can be wrong, i guess.

i think this song, really, honestly, is fine now. fourth cute thing accomplished, i am the fifth, hopefully, maybe, noww.

anyway i am so sleepy, i need to just go pass out now, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[postwarlevi]

Hey, I'm back 🤣 Ahhh yes, Frankie was her name!! And Mike is everything also. I remember one episode in which Frankie recounted the way every character dealt with trouble by putting the example of, say, a fresh wound. And Mike's way to solve said problem was by far my favorito hahah.

AoT is definitely a way to start! I saw some episodes of Violet Evergarden but have to retake it. There's so much to watch, and so little time. I particularly like Noragami and Akatsuki no Yona as well, in fact Noragami shares three main characters' voice actors from AoT (the VAs of Eren, Levi, and Erwin). Unfortunately they were both left unfinished and you have to read the mangas to keep the stories going 😭

Hiii! I'm halfway through season 8 and I don't recall the episode you mention, either it hasn't happened for I forgot, cause there's a lot of episodes and Frankie is always blowing things out of proportion LOL and Mike just says the most realistic thing he can or the thing that'll get him out of having to participate anymore haha.

Violet Evergarden made me cry once terrible, and a second time just a little. Funny enough I accidently saw a scene from the newest movie first and that's what made me want to watch it, cause it looked so pretty! So I kinda spoiled things for myself without realizing. Oops! That's okay. It was still enjoyable.

Oh gosh a series you're into being left unfinished is just awful! Don't do that to people! At least you have the manga with that though.

[sallysoot]

୧  a vessel of wasted potential [ .01 ] ☆ ╮

wilbur has slogged through eight thousand, six hundred and eighty-three days of this so-called miserable life waiting to find you: the cool balm over his fetid wounds.

this is... a 2.1k reader insert fic written from wilbur’s POV. it contains: just... simpbur, generally, referenced past bullying, unhealthy obsessions/fixations, “love at first sight,” and the impending doom vibe from my angst addiction. get ready for some secondhand embarrassment in part one of what will probably be two! requested by... nobody. only i wanted this. sorry. SFGHLKDFJGHL author’s note... i come back and the first thing i do is start writing THIS stuff again. whoopsies! i just wanted to do a different take on simpbur compared to my past works, something a little more pathetic insightful, y’know? also, i got this title from my simpbur playlist of the same name. give it a listen if you’d like! also leave me alone about the “graphic design is my passion” looking ass header i- i i ii i--

       Wilbur has always found a type of comfort in reconstructing the world as if through the elaborate lens of a seasoned director, demonstrating with unmatched expertise that what is true need not be what the camera has really caught on film— it can be his own framing, instead. And he will call this deception a ‘perspective,’ and he will call those that cannot see it the deceivers.

       Wilbur Soot does not lie and he does not cheat. Wilbur Soot is an artist—surely someone, of all the people in this vile world that never wants to bend with ease to his elaborate cinematography, would understand that.

       In the length of his personal film reel, the one that begins at his birth, there is no scene he recalls with such fondness as the first time he met you. There are plenty of moments that he would choose to leave behind: the moment he found himself face-down in the playground with another child's sneaker slotted against the base of his skull, the times his father had looked at him with such contempt that it was as if he wished he'd never been born, every second he'd spent in the dark of his room wondering why life hated him, only him, when everyone else got to be happy.

       But he'd be eager to live them all again if it meant he got to experience that chance meeting in the metro station again, too. It's early into the evening on a foggy Friday, and his world has gone from being a bearable amount of noise to a boisterous cacophany that itches beneath the thin skin laid gauntly over his skeleton. His hands wring in the pocket of his worn black hoodie, knee bouncing while he stares down the time upon the marquee. Every second that passes is a test of will, a resistance against his impulse to crawl into somewhere quiet and dark until everyone has gone.

       Yet, amid it all, there is you. 

        The first words you speak to him are a murmur that he can't comprehend; the sound is distant, but he knows it must be close and it makes him turn, somewhat wide-eyed, to look at you. 

        "I'm sorry, I really just need to sit down—my ankle got twisted on the stairs. There's really nowhere else for me to go, do you mind?"

       How lucky he is that you did him the honor of repeating yourself, because his gaze fixes on your face and all rationality rushes out of him. Wilbur knows this moment long before he ever experienced it; it's the love at first sight he's vicariously watched a dozen and one actors live out on a screen. This time, though, it's his— he’s done it, today, he’s gone out into this grey city that breathes smog into his dreams and found you. It’s all there, in the perspective he lives through; the fluorescent lights of the tunnel turn warm for you, forming a halo around your silhouette. Your outstretched hand is pressed reluctantly to the wall and he’s lost for breath to imagine that, in some way, it’s like you’ve cornered him there for yourself. 

       And all you’ve asked of him is to share his bench until the train comes. Wilbur realizes he’s been quiet for a little too long and your expression has turned a bit pleading, darting eyes seeking for somewhere else you could go if he kept staring so blankly at you. All at once, he rights himself, drawing in his knees a bit so that he’s not sprawled across the bench and making room for you.

       “Sure, yeah,” he says, nodding a few too many times to affirm that yes, yes, of course you can sit next to him. Wilbur cherishes the look of relief that you give as you— somewhat cautiously, he supposes on account of your injury— slide yourself onto the bench.

       Wilbur wonders what this moment is like to you. If he’s got a halo, too, and if your heart flutters up into your throat so quick you might get sick, just like his is doing. He’s never cared to know how another person thinks before. He decides that this only confirms you are meant to be special to him. There have been people before, that have caught his eye. None like you, of course, but he recalls days spent in school following objects of his fleeting affection from a few yards back. Most often, they’d ignore him. Two or three times, they’d tell him to go away. And just once, the last one he’d loved before you, there was a boy with grand ambition and such intelligence to fulfill it. He, with his beautiful, silky hair like raven feathers and ochre skin had turned on his heel to tell him, “You can talk to me. Or even mug me, if it means you’ll stop creeping around back there.”

       He’d not known what to do, then. All that he could manage was an unimpressive stutter that might have been ‘sorry’ and to run far, far from that street he’d added to his after-school routine just to follow the one he’d dubbed his Alex in his mind.

       Now, he knows it’s for the best; what if he’d become too occupied with him all those years ago to have the chance to meet you now? It would never have been right without you and this blissful realization that something’s different, now, and this will be like no time before. Even so, Wilbur has his shoulders drawn up and his eyes cast down because he doesn’t know what to say to you at all. He can’t let this happen again— he can’t lose someone to his silence.

       “I’m Wilbur,” he suddenly says, a little hoarse with nerves and just as stiff as when he sticks his hand out for you to take.

       “Oh!” you exclaim. The surprise lights up on your face like you are your own little sun, warm and inviting. You take his hand, so kind to not even grimace at how clammy it is, and give it a firm shake. He’s so swept away in your touch that he almost misses your name. God, if he’d never learned your name he might have cried himself to sleep this night like every other. Instead, he hears it and it sends a little chill up the length of his spine. Wilbur can’t help himself but repeat it back to you so he can taste the way it moves from his mouth, delectable and sharp like the best exhale of a cigarette that he’s ever had.

       “That’s right,” you reply, (regrettably) pulling your hand away to settle atop your bag again. 

       “Are you going home?” Wilbur asks, just as sudden as before. He hates how unnatural it sounds every time he speaks; you’re as cordial as a cherry, though, and he feels lucky that you don’t flinch from his awkwardness.

       “Ah, well.” Giving a little shrug, you respond, “That’s classified. But I will say, wherever I’m going, that I’m looking forward to having some tea and kicking my feet up. I’m cold right down to my bones. Does the cold bother you?”

       Wilbur shakes his head. “No... no, I don’t mind it. I think it’s nice.”

       Eyebrows raised, you ask, “Do you?” He’s watching your every move like a hawk, though he doesn’t really mean to do it; that’s all he’s ever known to do with other people: watch and wait. When he doesn’t respond, you seem to decide he’s missed the invitation to, and politely hand him another. “I guess it’s kind of nice to bundle up, anyway. It’s like a hug.”

       Tilting his head to the side a little, Wilbur ponders over your statement until he thinks he knows what he must say. “I don’t know what that’s like. I just feel right when it’s cold.”

       “Ah... that’s good, too!” you cheerfully reply, taking hold of your coat a bit and drawing it around your body a little more. Maybe it really does bother you that it’s cold. He’d like to offer you his jacket, really— but the thing hasn’t been washed since he bought it, and he doesn’t want to count out how many weeks that’s been.

       “We should...” he begins, then trails off, staring at the brick wall next to your head instead of looking at you. “Um, tea. Next time you’d like to have some, we could go... somewhere together.”

       Wilbur doesn’t know what the look on your face means, only that it’s gone in an instant. “Okay, alright,” you say. There’s a tremble on the edge of your tone. Maybe you would want his jacket even if it’s gross? He dwells on that thought for a little longer, until he realizes that it’s become his turn to speak again.

       “Do you want my phone number?” Wilbur waits for the little nod you answer with to pull it from his pocket. He angles it a little bit away from you so you don’t spend too long looking at the well-rendered anime girl on his lockscreen, cheeks a little hot as he fumbles for his passcode. God, it’s incredible how much he can start to care about what someone thinks when that someone is you. He’s only just met you, but he’s so concerned with how you’ll be thinking of him tonight— he knows that he will be thinking of you, until the moment he sees you again.

       Resisting his urge to pry when you hand him your phone, he puts information in every available slot on the list before he gives it back; even his address, because he likes the idea you could decide to show up unannounced. He’s a little disappointed to find that you’ve only written your first name and number, but he’s still excited to have it. He eagerly readies himself to take a picture of you for the contact, just for you to widen your eyes in shock and hide behind your hands. 

       “Do you really need a picture?”

       It’s so adorable how you peer through your fingers and him, the anxious giggle on the edge of your voice betraying your shyness. Wilbur doesn’t hesitate to nod, though, insisting that he’s not good with faces and doesn’t want to forget. Technically, it’s not true; he could never forget yours, but he thinks it’s a fair thing to say anyway. 

       Awkwardly, you sit up a little straighter and put your hands back on your back. You’re really doing the best you can, he thinks, and it fills him with a unique type of glee to have captured your shy little smile in a picture. He grins, tucking his phone away because he knows he’ll get distracted staring at it otherwise. There’s a long pause, until the voice over the speakers announces a departure that makes you quickly stand up, a little wobble in your stance as you instinctively try not to put weight on it. He stands up with you like a mirror, and he’s still grinning with excitement that he can’t contain. The flood of bodies interrupts, though, and he’s devastated that you have to go with them.

       “It was nice to meet you, bye!” you say all in a rush, words falling against one another as you shuffle into the stream of other passengers. 

       Wilbur is shaking when he sits back down on the bench to wait for his own train. He’s not cold— he’s just so fucking happy. He gets to be happy now, like everyone else with their comfortable, easy lives, he can scarcely believe how fast his happy ending has begun. He pulls his phone out of his pocket to stare at your picture, lost to the world and his rush of euphoria so much that he almost misses his way home. He doesn’t, fortunately, which means he gets to listen to the low rumble from inside the cabin as he keeps grinning at your contact, your perfect name, your perfect face, even a string of numbers that couldn’t be more wonderful. With a giddy sigh, he clasps his phone against his chest, warmth coursing through his body. He’s never been one for the heat but tonight, it’s lovely, because it’s from you and you are so, so lovely.

       Beneath his blushing and thrills, old wounds unstitch inside of him on account of the shoddy thread he’d tried on himself and he knows, in a feeling that goes beyond even certainty, that all of them had waited for this moment to come undone. For you to arrive in his hollow life, to fix it. Fix him.

[hlficlibrary]

There are lots of great long fics in this fandom and it’s time they get some more appreciation from us readers! I’ve put together a list of fics that are from 150K up to 365K! (100K - 149K coming soon)

♡ Hiding Place by @alivingfire

Louis never wanted a soulmate, didn’t really care for the whole Bonding thing at all, really. Enter Harry Styles, who’s wanted to be Bonded for as long as he could remember. With one fateful meeting in an X Factor bathroom, Louis gets a dagger on his arm and the realization that just because Harry is his soulmate doesn’t mean it’s mutual.

From the X Factor house to Madison Square Garden, from the Fountain Studios stage to stadiums across the world, Louis has to learn to love without losing himself completely, because someday his best friend will Bond to someone and replace Louis as the center of his universe. Meanwhile, Harry begins to think that maybe fate doesn’t actually know what it’s doing after all, because his other half has clearly been right in front of him the whole time. All he has to do now is convince Louis to give them a chance.

 Or, the canon compliant Harry and Louis love story from the very beginning, where the only difference is that the love between them is literally written on their skin, and there’s only so much they can hide.

365K / Soulmates / Canon Compliant / Slow Build / Friends to Lovers

♡ Relief Next To Me by Dolce_Piccante

What happens when a baker and a graphic designer meet via a very specific Craigslist post? Fate, friendship, food, and maybe more. 

333K / Friends With Benefits / Friends to Lovers / Lots of Smut

♡ all we can do is keep breathing by @avocadolouie

“Harry, I-I’m so sorry…” Louis stutters out, trying to keep his voice level and even, to portray a depiction of strength, but with the way Harry is looking at him, staring at him like he has a personal passage way straight to Louis’ soul, it’s so hard, nearly impossible.

That simple opening phrase, that short introductory acknowledgement that is often rushed out so easily, painlessly, at a safe distance. Giving a doctor the ability to portray empathy without true emotion, without feeling the full brunt and sheer force of the underlying pain itself.

But Louis feels it, he feels the crushing agony laced behind the phrase, he feels the weight of the painful words slipping from his lips, the cause and effect that the three-word expression holds. The distantly empty “I’m so sorry” that doctors throw out in self-preservation, isn’t at all empty for him. Louis recognizes it, he understands it, he feels it.

a fated story of two broken and battered boys who barely survived the unimaginable and how the love of one little brave girl defies all the odds and somehow puts them back together.

310K / Greys Anatomy AU / Doctor Louis / Father Harry / Slow Burn

♡ Time Bomb by ThisSentimentalHeart

“Why exactly are you here?” Louis asked, feigning annoyance and failing pathetically at it. “My publicist told me I can't go anywhere near you.” Harry said, eyes still smudged with last night's eye liner. “That makes you my favorite person in the world.”

Or the one where Louis has everything: a lead role in a giant Hollywood franchise, a glittering new house with an entertaining Irish neighbor, and a steady, normal boyfriend who he probably loves. Louis never expected to become a household name among young Hollywood overnight. He also never expected to find something endearing about the enigmatic rockstar who keeps showing up on his back porch.

291K / Friends to Lovers / Actor Louis / Rockstar Harry

♡ Join Me In The Afterlife by @harryeatsburger

Harry looks at him, his eyes narrowing as an amused, coy smile creeps onto his lips. "They say it’s haunted. Loads of rumours are going around town," he chuckles and rubs below his nose, giving a single shoulder shrug.

Louis laughs breathily. "I mean…" he draws the word out, his gaze bouncing around the room, "I kinda get it," he settles on saying, recalling last night when it was quiet, his room shadowed and set in silvery moon light, giving it a haunted kind of appearance.

Harry’s eyebrows shoot up, perplexity colouring his pale face. "Do you?"

Or, the one where Louis is a simple guy - all he wants from his summer break is to spend some quality time with his mother, get to know her new husband, and learn to play the guitar. Nothing out of the ordinary, that is for sure. However, life has a funny way of working and when Louis finds a strange boy sitting on his bed one sunny day, his summer break takes a turn for the better (or worse) when he discovers a ghost has stolen his heart from the get-go.

262K / Angst W Happy Ending / Ghost Harry / Youtuber Louis

♡ pray for some sweet simplicity by @eeveelou

Louis is the only omega to ever make it in the cut-throat world of competitive motorcycle racing—that is, he would be if anyone actually knew about his identity. Now, his sights are set towards competing in—and winning—the European Grand Prix, the biggest and most difficult race of the entire year, so he can disappear underground for good. He’s close enough, too, until an alpha sports journalist is assigned to follow Louis’s every move as he prepares for the event of his career.

Or, an AU where motorcycle racing is the biggest sport in a heavily divided world, Louis is trying to take control of his own destiny, and Harry is in for more than he bargained for.

237K / A-B-O / Enemies to Lovers / Racer Louis / Journalist Harry

♡ Young & Beautiful by Velvetoscar

Louis, to his horror, attends an elitist university in which the name Zayn Malik means something, Niall Horan doesn't stop talking, there are pianos everywhere, and Harry Styles, only son of a drug-addled, clinically insane ex-rocker, has a perfect smile and empty eyes.

227K / Uni AU / Enemies to Lovers / Slow Burn

♡ Collision by @tequiladimples

Mythology/Fairytale!AU in which Louis is a dainty fairy with a temper who wants to be intimidating and Harry hurts people. Naturally, they hate each other.

(Featuring Liam, the big and not-so-bad wolf who’s got a thing for humans, Zayn, a human with supernaturally good looks, and Niall, the cupid who just wants his job to be easier.)

226K / Uni AU / Slow Burn / Enemies to Lovers

♡ A Little Love by felixandtae

Harry and Louis are best friends, and when Harry's boyfriend breaks up with him, he's instantly depressed. Louis hated seeing him this way, so one thing leads to another and they wind up sleeping together, which causes a lot of problems.

Or, where Harry gets heartbroken, so Louis tries showing him love, but a bump is in the road. Literally.

220K / Friends to Lovers / Mpreg / Pregnant Harry

♡ there’s no fair in farewell by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed

When Harry and Louis, two Cupids who have been bringing people together for decades, are tasked with making Soulmates Liam and Zayn fall in love, it proves to be much harder than expected. But maybe, just maybe, that isn’t such a bad thing after all.

218K / Soulmates / Friends to Lovers / Angst w a Happy Ending / Slow Burn

♡ Stranger Stars by @sunshineandhisrainbows

Five years ago, Africa offered a grieving Louis Tomlinson an escape from an England he couldn't tolerate.  Now it's become home as he leads overland tours across the continent with his best friend and driver Zayn Malik.  What's meant to be just another ordinary six-week trip from Cape Town to Nairobi turns into anything but, when future lawyer/current photographer and songwriter Harry Styles and his friends join Louis' latest set of passengers.

212K / Road Trip / Slow Burn / Friends to Lovers

♡ Shake Me Down by @agreatperhaps12

Harry's new to college, fresh out of Catholic school and conversion therapy camp, and Louis runs the campus LGBTQIA organization. 

208K / College AU / Insecure Harry / Protective Louis

♡ Cold Little Heart by @seduced-by-curls

Louis is a soft omega with an abusive past and an alpha child A few months after getting a divorce, Louis meets Harry, an ex-military alpha wolf that offers him something -odd.

In exchange for teaching him how to cook, Harry will babysit his son, Abraham Louis really could use the help.

194K / A-B-O / Single Parent Louis / Ex-Military Harry / Babysitter Harry

♡ Lucky Ones by @chloehl10 

Harry doesn’t believe love is on the cards for him. Louis just wants someone to love him for him and not what he can do for them. Together they learn what love and trust is all about while having a little (or rather, a lot) of fun along the way.

188K / Famous - Not Famous / Famous Louis / Student Harry

♡ Three Days In February by @mercurial-madhouse

“We have to get out of here, outside,” Harry whispered, turning his hand in Louis’s grip to hold on and pull them both to their feet. “And how do we fucking do that?” Louis hissed, carefully rising and pulling Harry to his feet before Harry could do it. His gaze darted to the front then back of the arena. “None of the doors are where they’re supposed to be.” “What?” Harry looked around again too, couldn’t see any doors, only knew that they must be there, somewhere. “How do you know?” Confusion slid over Louis's features. “Because we’ve been here before, Haz. It’s the O2.” The show. It must be the first night of their tour. They were too late; they were out of time.

Louis is cursed after a night out with the lads and the five have just three days to figure out what happened and how to break it before Harry and Louis both lose their sanity and maybe something more. Louis can hear everything Harry thinks and Harry isn’t sure he can keep his feelings for Louis a secret from his own mind.

Ridiculous amounts of banter and angst, a lot of Harry and Louis alone together, a healthy dose of OT5 friendship, and one very magical weekend.

187K / Friends to Lovers / Magical Realism / Slow Burn

♡ Amsterdam With You by @chrysopon

In Louis’ opinion Amsterdam is so overrated, and now that he moved here he can see all its flaws: it’s always raining (even more than in London), he’s lonely and everyone he meets is unfriendly and distant; but, above all, he misses his family like crazy, confined here. Not surprising how being hit by a bike by a curly, pensive guy is the best thing that happens to him in three months (or maybe even in 27 years).

Or: how to fall in love in a city that you hate, featuring protests, lights, books, cuddles and a whole lot of growth (and tea).

182K / Strangers to Lovers / Angst W a Happy Ending / Slow Burn

♡ Something In The Distance (So Close You Can Almost Taste It) by magicalou

Louis was good. He was about to become the most successful racer in Formula 1. He had a clear path: break some records, win most races, then repeat it all again the next year.

Of course, that’s when Harry bloody Styles comes in.

OR, Louis is a Formula 1 driver for Scuderia Ferrari and Harry is a painter and sculptor, one of the most beloved from our time, and Louis's biggest pain in the ass.

180K / Racer Louis / Painter Harry /

♡ Bloodline by banana_louis

Louis doesn't know how to feel when his best friend, Liam, finds out about a brother that he never knew, who was placed for adoption before he was born and is bursting into his life at twenty-four years old.

Louis is very wary of the man who might replace him. He has always thought of Liam as his own brother.

What if Liam doesn't need him anymore? What if there's no room for Louis? After all, blood runs thicker than water.

Louis doesn't like Liam's new brother and he doesn't even know him. That's irrelevant, though.

He doesn't like him. He doesn't trust him. He doesn't want him hanging around. He doesn't want anything to do with him.

That is, until he meets him.

177K / Fluff & Smut /

♡ Your Mess Is Mine by @amories

Louis is the father to the most brilliant little boy in the world who is all Louis really needs, or at least that's what he tells himself. Harry is a gorgeous boybander fresh off a two year break and a massive scandal that's left him a little broken and more than ready to move on.

They fall in love.

176K / Famous - Not Famous / Single Parent Louis / Friends to Lovers

♡ A Love Like War by @downgoesanotherhero

“I want your help.” “Are you sure validation isn’t the right word?” Harry frowns. “Because, Louis, my professional opinion won’t change just because you’re being nice.” “I don’t want your professional opinion on my work to change. I wanna do better work, so you and everybody else can have a new opinion”, he states simply.

Or: the one in which Louis Tomlinson is a cliched rock star, he's got everything except for love. But then he meets Harry Styles; the man that, against all odds, saves him in every way a person can be saved, even when Louis didn't know he needed saving in the first place.

173K / Famous - Not Famous / Professor Harry / Singer Louis

♡ All Too Human by @gotthisniallthang 

Louis has a 3 year old son and works at a daycare while getting his education degree.

Harry's a fresh face Popstar with the world in his hands.

They meet over applesauce and hide n' go seek.

166K / Famous - Not Famous / Single Parent Louis

♡ And Then a Bit by @infinitelymint

“We’d like to give the fans what they want.” Magee states, placing his hand on the table in front of him and leaning forward. “We want to give them Larry Stylinson.”

Or, take a parallel universe where Louis and Harry were never together, mix in a two year hiatus and an impending comeback, pour in a dash of lost fans, two tablespoons of strong friendship and a Modest! employee with a good idea. Add a squeeze of pretending to be a couple, lots of kisses and a tattoo or two. Stir. Serve: the mother of all publicity stunts.

(aka Harry and Louis fake a relationship for publicity. Eventually it becomes a lot less fake and a lot more real.)

158K / Fake Relationship / Friends to Lovers / Canon Compliant

♡ Nameless Night by @greenfeelings

For their 18th birthday, every person receives a letter that reads a simple date. That is the date you'll meet your soulmate. Harry and Louis have different beliefs, live in different worlds and have different dreams, hopes and fears. Yet, they're not so different from each other when it comes to love. When their paths cross, there is no doubt they belong together. Except for that one, essential difference: they didn't receive the same date.

Or, a fic about differences that make no difference at all: Harry and Louis are soulmates. In every way possible. Featuring Niall as a role model, and Liam and Zayn as a different kind of role models.

155K / Soulmates /

♡ Take My Breath Away by @realitybetterthanfiction

There is a prestigious school in the British Royal Navy classified as Premier Delta - or as it is known by its flyers, 1D. These select pilots are an elite set of Naval lieutenants who are trained in the skill of aggressive aerial combat. They are instruments of war, trained in times of peace. They are dogfighters, relentless and fearless in their mission to protect their beloved country. From their lofty vantage, they are always watching, waiting, and ready to lay it all on the line.

Lt. Harry Styles, call sign Sparrow, is a prodigy when it comes to flying. The owner of an unrivaled Naval pedigree, being a pilot was always written in the stars for Harry. With his trusty RIO, Lt. Niall Horan, Harry has made an unprecedented ascension in the ranks of the Naval aerial combat elite, and has been recruited to the esteemed Premier Delta flight school, carrying on his family’s legacy. What he finds there are unexpected friendships, perilous challenges, and something beyond what he ever thought possible. Because as his father had always told him, before the great Captain Styles went tragically missing in combat, you don’t fall in love with the sky, you fall in love with what keeps you on the ground.

153K / Top Gun AU / Angst With a Happy Ending

♡ the wonderlands by @aliensingucci

"Somewhere between chaos and control — these are the wonderlands."

Harry's daughter, Andy, is signed to Louis' girl band. Her path to success is marked by competition, chaos, and for Harry, a love affair.

150K / Famous - Not Famous / Producer Louis / Florist Harry

♡ Now In A Minute by @avocadolouie

13 feels like yesterday for many people, but for Louis it actually was.

More than anything in the world, Louis Tomlinson dreams of growing up. Simply skipping over all of the awkward, embarrassing years of teenage existence and getting on with life. Real life.

So when thirteen-year-old Louis wakes up in the body of his thirty-year-old self, he expected everything in his adult life to be picture perfect. And maybe it is. He has it all…or so it seems.

Except his favorite person and lifelong best mate, Harry Styles, is totally missing from the equation and Louis doesn’t understand why. He has a lot of catching up to do and as adult life turns out to be more than what he bargained for, Louis can’t help wondering why a life that seemed so perfect, feels so empty.

Or the 13 going on 30 au that should have been done years ago.

150K / Childhood Friends / Famous - Not Famous /

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