#but now my motivation is just gone
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Really not feelin it this week. Tag rant incoming
#it's just been a slew of horrible things this week and idk how to handle any of it#we had to take my childhood cat to the vet on Monday bc she's very sick and very skinny#and we thought we'd have to put her down#I'm so thankful bc she still has a bit of time and really all I want is for her to be comfortable again before she dies#but shes in such bad shape#and I hate seeing her like that. I found her when she was just a few weeks old#and now she's 15 and she just got old out of nowhere#and I'm not gonna be able to see her anymore soon#I'm going to a funeral Saturday for one of my aunts#I wasn't close to her since I was a kid but my family more or less abandoned her#and now she's dead and I never went to see her when she was alone#and today my other aunt died. and I was close to her.#I haven't seen her in years either though bc of more family drama.#and I never visited her either. idek if she was alone or if she had people.#I should have visited her when we found out she was sick but I just didn't#idk what to do. it's all just piling up#I feel worse rn than I have in years#and more bad things just keep happening#I was excited this week bc I got some work done on my college application#but now my motivation is just gone#I just wanna sleep and wake up and find out that my aunt is actually alive and someone just got it wrong somehow#but I can't fall asleep and that won't happen so waking up won't even be worth that#I would call off work tomorrow but I don't wanna be alone and my coworkers are the only people I know in town#at least they're all nice people#this all sucks so fucking bad#personal#negative
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posting this with absolutely no context
#am i a cryptid now? i log on like once in a blue moon to post cringe and then leave again#ace attorney#apollo justice#tikki#random stuff#my stuff#ooookay okay okay okay. anyone reading the tags can have a LITTLE context‚ as a treat#so. sitting on my ao3 currently is an unfinished fic with exactly this premise#i want to finish it so bad. it haunts me every day. people leave such nice comments and everything#but i just have no motivation. trust me i've tried#i thought that perhaps drawing it might finally kick my brain back into gear#i'm so sorry readers i'm sorry i WILL finish it i promise it's not abandoned#it was so much fuuuuun#tikki are you seeing this. cringefail author who keeps playing video games instead of writing lmao#anyway goodbye friends i am gone again. logging off once more
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im back
#bungo stray dogs#bsd#fyodor dostoevsky#nikolai gogol#bsd fanart#my art#what do you mean I wasn't gone#but I think it's been a while since I've posted anything#I'm slowly getting back to making elaborate drawings in color and all not just doodles#well these are doodles but#It's been a long time since I've really allowed myself to take the time to properly draw#I didn't have the time to really get seriously into it because of school#the school drained me of all my vital energy I'm not even being dramatic this time ugh#uuuh it's been a rude end of school year but now I have time#I will be able to rest and I really want to get back into drawing#the motivation is slowly coming back I think#so have these for now ! I'll post some other stuff later#take care everyone <3<3
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Oh..... I'm devastated.... Haruka is scared, but he has long set his mind on this, he has repeated it constantly, how there is no other way. He wishes there was, but he can't see it at all, he probably looked around, scared hoping for another answer, but couldn't find anything else.
And at the end, its almost like for him, choosing to commit to the act, is almost the same as already have done something that you can not undo....
And he knows about that....
He still feels happy, he still thrives on attention, on kindness. And... Having to let go of all of that which he finally has, probably hurts like hell... Yet, he is willing to do it, because he truly believes (or believed) that doing so, will bring happiness and good things to the person he loves the most...
#it's... kind of a selfish act if you think about it... disguised as a selfless one...#if he tried to do it in the past or not... right now he is onlt looking for what he thinks is best...#for what he believes... what he wants to do... even if the motivation is someone else...#muu supports him because 'its what he wants to do' not because she truly believes its the right option#but 'friends support each other' she has never had a real friend of course she is gonna take that to the next level#it doesnr matter if she actually loves him or not she is gonna hurt if he is actually gone. and im sure she knows it#but she is his friend right? so she has to support him....#haruka is being selfish because he isnt stopping to consider if this is truly what muu wants too...#(or maybe im just projecting lmao the life of a haruka kinnie)#seari talks#milgram#haruka sakurai#my son <3
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got visually spoiled on the literally last thing i was still actively missing and working towards in totk but i dont think im gonna like it anyway ...
if it is what i think it is, and what it looks like to be, its just yet another nail in the coffin (or however you say that) as to why the lore sucks in this game even tho it had such good setup and so much potential
#ganondoodles talks#totk spoilers#tagging it as such bc im gonna say my current thoguhts about it here#again its just visually and i havent seen the text to it yet#so please dont say anythign about it#but#im 100% certain its the reward for all shrines which i dont have yet#and first of all it looks dumb as shit#and second of all its supposed to be the ancient hero in the tapestry isnt it#the zonau got their grimy hands on that too dont they#the thing that was such a cool mystery all this time got solved just like that isnt it#nintendo saw us theorizing about gan being the ancient hero and thought oh gods now we cant give him nuance quickly invent some zonau excus#however that makes sense since they were supposedly long gone by the time the first calamity happened#which still happened even with the time fuckery going on since the tapestry still exists and the last guardian remains#tho it doesnt look quite like a zonau but more like some creepy ass unholy mix of a lizard and gerudo#im gonna wait with my final judgement since i havent read the text yet#but it for sure isnt motivating me more to get all the last 50 or so shrines#i regret finishing the underground first so much man#all you get is a you did it sticker#literally#should have done the shrines first so at least i couldnt get spoiled on that still#im guessing its funney reference or whatever#some mysteries are better left unsolved#didnt want to rush and get all shrines in a hurry and isntead explore it on my own since the exploring part and world is what i love#aside from the music#but i guess i gotta do that now#actual shrine hutning stream incoming i guess#:/
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lady wilhelmina
#dragon's dogma 2#dd2#wilhelmina#ummmm i just realized i haven't finished a drawing this whole month#don't know where my motivation has gone and i wasn't feeling this other drawing that i am almost done with#soooo wanted to draw something rough i could at least finish today 🤓#ALSO thinking about how she literally shows you the false sovran's secret without like#you telling her anything or like persuading her in any form she's just like HMMMM you look like you're looking for something...#could it be...the kingdom's biggest lie which i will show you now no questions asked??? this game is insane lol
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I know I have a habit of always keeping things to myself… But why am I still surprised when people don’t know what I know?
#This applies to so many things in my life#this is so incredibly unhealthy#toxic even#yet i can’t help but keep doing it#and now my friends too#those who said the loudest ‘you have to talk to us if we did something you’re not comfortable with so we can come to terms’#turned out to be bottling the hugest amount of distraught then explode without warning#now everything is in pieces#and there’s nothing that could be mended anymore#thought we had something special you know#then why… why can you sabotage everything so quick and run away so fast#why you do this to us?#what were we to you?#You hurt us all and even yourself with your ego saying we don’t have to care about you#but what were we if not friends?#why?#please I can’t continue like this#I desperately aware that things will never be the same and I can never see you as the same friend I’ve known for years#but I still refuse to believe this is really happening#it’s like sand#the more I hold it the harder I clenched my hand they would still eventually fall through my fingers gaps#are we not friends?#why? Why you did it?#You said nothing and yet expect everyone to know how you feel and to sympathize with you and your reasons#I mean we could#we totally could if you just let us know just the tiniest hint you know?#so why things turned out this way?#where has the years gone?#will I ever stop grieving the past if things keep turning out like this?#what does the future hold anyway and where’s my motivation to grasp it?
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everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me
#rant#i guess#it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever#like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning#i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry#its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too#it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but#a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container#or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside.#it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time.#i hate this survivalistic shit#its not long before i move out thank god but still#he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything#like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice.#i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it.#and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive#at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont#let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know#writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy
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LITERALLY BEGGING AO3 TO SEND UNPOSTED DRAFTS TO YOU IN AN EMAIL WHEN THEY DELETE THEM LIKE THEY DO FOR FULL FICS THIS IS THE FOURTEENTH TIME I'VE LOST A GOOD CHUNK OF WRITING PROGRESS BECAUSE I MISSED THE CUT OFF FOR DELETION 😭😭😭😭
#ao3#archive of our own#THE FIRST CHAPTER WAS ALMOST DONE AND IVE LOST HALF OF IT#im usually good about getting to them on time and reuploading them but sometimes im busy and i miss it#i dONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN EVERY TIME I MISS IT#LIKE THEY USED TO GIVE YOU THE TIME IT WOULD BE DELETED AND I COULD SET ALARMS#BUT THEY DON'T DO THAT NOW SO LIKE WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO#'but grim why dont you just write it somewhere else first-' BECAUSE I NEED TO SEE HOW IT'S GOING TO BE FORMATTED ONCE I POST IT JANICE#plus seeing it in Fic Format helps with my motivation to write#hence why only HALF the chapter is gone instead of the FULL chapter bc i started the fic in docs#god just please#please#im begging#send me my drafts when you delete them its a gut punch every time#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#grim rants
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@dreambones I’m so sorry but the first thing I thought of when I saw Rana was to make this in reference to the “forg” meme
Anyways I love Rana and I hope to see more of her
Original meme under read more
#final girl#indie horror game#Rana#frog#forg#meme#fan art#art#my art#artist on tumblr#i wish I had the energy to do more art than goofy ahh things but my motivation is gone 😭#literally all my fanart this year had been nothing but memes im sorry this is just who i am now
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wait a minute... did 2020 actually make me depressed
#...i did experience a slightly radical shift in personality#my defining traits used to be being super motivated and hardworking and also really friendly#and now i feel like a shell of myself. i do what i'm supposed to and nothing more. i barely even talk to people anymore.#everything i had worked so hard for in my self improvement journey just. gone in the span of a year. and idk when i'm getting it back#even my mom asked me this summer “hey... are you depressed?”
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haunted by the knowledge that sega loves referencing their franchises and how many missed opportunities there were for kiryu to meet sonic the hedgehog
#snap chats#//me three seconds before making this post// im going to make a post SO niche#NO LISTEN TO ME sega all star tennis.... sonic riders...... ok those are all the examples i got BUT STILL#like in sonic riders you get to play as three non-sonic sega ips AND the sega carnival levels are literally just love letters to sega ips#MY BROTHER IN CHRIST THEY GOT OPA OPA THERE !!!!! they even have vehicles based off of Super Hang On and Hang On#and when you equip them the ost changes to those games' themes !!!!!!!#shaking and crying cause at the sega carnival they have a spot for crazy taxi WHICH#AGAIN I HAVE TO REITERATE THE AMOUNT OF LOVE SEGA SHOWS FOR THEIR IPSLK i love...#anyway i have a reason for this mention. sit and hallucinate with me kiryu having to Be A Taxi Driver#and then he gotta drive sonic bitch ass around. durin a fuckin race#the urge to make a comic of that is so strong.... and the fact kiryu and sonic are in it means it'd be funny to a lot of people...#SURE the enjoyment of sonic riders is niche APPARENTLY but everyone like kiryu... eveyrone like sonic...#and itd only be like two panels lol.... im not doing that now tho. or ever maybe idk we know how my motivation is#it'll be there red hot one minute and then gone never to be seen again#it doesnt even have to be a comic it could just be a silly lil doodle#RIP all those comics i have collectin dust in my folders...#ok im done bobmarding eveyrone with Hyper Specific posts. tonight. i promise :)#theres a bonus joke here about daigo being in kiryus taxi again. lol <- please shut up#bye bye now
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.
#I should get better at making myself go for walks again in the evening now that it's properly spring#it always turns out nice it's just hard to get motivated to leave again once I get home#but today was nice I scratched up my legs a little from tramping around the woods; I saw a fox; I accidentally brought a tiny green inchwor#back with me#also I feel like it changed so quickly I was wearing my winter coats to work in the morning then was gone for 10 days#cam back and I brought my fan up from the basement day 1
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"ok today for SURE i'll sit down and catch up on jrwi, i have nothing else to do and i really do wanna know what i've missed. i'll absolutely watch them today. i w-
#jrwi#listen. empires and hc and liml have afflicted me with the worst curse possible.#inspiration and motivation.#i'm fucking playing and BUILDING shit. BUILDING. ME!#i've had the game since 2015 and never made more than like. Slightly expanded a villager's house.#every world i've lived in i either dug out the side of a cliff or completely took over a village#but for some reason. this time. i open a world and build a tall ass lighthouse.a cozy library/trading building. just like. a long bridge??#i've never made a long bridge before. until now#so unfortunately my mental illnesses are fully on lockdown on this stuff atm#like at least i could listen to jrwi in the bg right? wrong. i'm binging the entirety of empires s1 from everyone's perspective.#it's like 350+ videos and i've already gone through 40
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#i used to email messages to myself when I was in highschool. suddenly remembered that and now I am looking through them#just simple things like pics or motivation; reminders; ect. like i was my own penpal lmao#finding relics of the past can come up in interesting ways. much may be gone; but not everything luckily <3
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i think—after writing saudade, my dislike for remus has become much more…clearer?
like, it’s definitely not the fact that he didn’t do anything to help sirius that bothers me. it’s pretty clear he had no power or resources to do anything about the fact, especially if even dumbledore didn’t do anything.
but the fact that he believed sirius to be at fault? or atleast, capable of betraying james? that he supposedly didn’t make any attempts to say, go see him in azkaban? that he acted exactly the same as everyone else in the WW who either didn’t know these two or only barely did? kinda terrible, tbh.
(and like, not to make it transactional or anything, but j&s did *so much* for remus; went above and beyond for him and…this is what he’s like in return? yikes)
#remus lupin#remus is like. such a shitty messed up character in shitty messed up situations#and the thing is—i can even empathise with some of his actions lmao#i too am someone w no energy or motivation to do things when it gets tough#things in motion stay in motion unless an outside force acts#except the motion is depression ykno?#but my god remus. just. a little faith could’ve gone a long way ykno?#imagine sirius escaping azkaban and knowing that there was atleast one person who always believed in him#and it’s the person who knows him best other than james#except what does he get?#betrayal betrayal betrayal#and yah i see those posts ab how remus was probably manipulated into it by dumbledore and all#but like. all of that is conjecture and depends on ur conception of him#but at the very core of it all—he didn’t believe in sirius. he thought he was capable of betraying james.#and can there really be a greater crime than that?#but also!!!!! it’s so shitty from james’ pov too!!!!#and now i’m thinking particularly of those fics where james or the potters come back#and take everyone except remus to task for their treatment of harry#and it’s one thing if it’s acknowledged and moved but most times it’s never even brought up???#that remus never contacted harry????#even after poa???#like dude. that guy messed up a lot lol#saudade was just one way for me to come to terms w it#i still don’t think i like him—particularly considering his most ppl write him#but it was still fun#pen’s notes
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