#but please. for me. & for the niche group of people who would read it and Enjoy

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

dear future me, Please remember to write the metamorphosis fic and title it ~✨the yassification of howdy pillar✨~

[hippielittlemetalhead]

I don't have the time for another fic or snippet or whatever but I had an idea. Drummer!Steve, right? And a common thing I'm seeing in that is that Gareth knows and is the one that taught him or got him started on the basics or told him where to go for gear... But what if... Envision with me...

Steve Harrington played the drums in middle school. He was a dramatic band kid and sports-type hybrid. He's the only drummer his school has and he's really good so administration makes it work with sports things cause sports & arts grants would really help the school and looks good at fundraisers so they need him but other kids think it's special treatment cause the Harrington name. Anywho, Steve is starting 8th grade and administration is in a bit of a tizzy over finding a new drummer for band stuff to replace him after graduating cause no one else wants to pick it up.

Enter Gareth. He's technically one of the flute (or violin Idk which I'd prefer for this) kids but Steve catches him playing around with his set after school one day. Steve convinces the kid to learn how to play drums for the rest of the year and through summer so next year he can try out for band again and take over as drummer. Gareth takes it but doesn't want anyone to know he's getting all buddy-buddy with Harrington cause he JUST got the guys who were in the talent show last year with a metal song to notice him and include him in their little tight-knight group and he WILL NOT let Steve Harrington of all people ruin that for him.

Fast forward a few years and Eddie survived the Upside Down, the rest of Corroded Coffin got read in while helping take care of the aftermath. Everything is okay and good and over now. But Gareth has a kind of fucked up hand. Jason Carver injured it and it never managed to heal quite right in the everything that came after. Thanks to government cover-up medical care there's a way to fix him up but it'll take time and as Eddie and the rest of Corroded Coffin keeps lamenting, C.C. has gigs to play and demos to record and- and- and- and Gareth asks if Eddie will shut up if he can come up with a replacement drummer.

Eddie and the band are hesitant until Gareth admits it's the guy who taught him to play and the guy is probably still just as good, if not better than him. So they have to promise to not replace him with the guy if he can convince him to help them out. Corroded Coffin swears on Dustin's mother (Claudia Henderson is a goddess amongst mortals and once she got read in put Joyce Byers to shame in her audacity dealing with the government bullshit) to not replace Gareth if he can bring this mystery drummer by next practice.

Gareth lets them into the garage next week for practice telling them his temp will be there any minute. As everyone else is finishing setting up a burgundy BMW pulls up, not unusual cause sometimes Steve will come by practice with snacks and just hang out while killing time between work and dealing with the kids. And the Steve that steps out of the BMW has an armful of food that's probably delicious but Freak notices that the hand that lifts for his signature little finger waggle of a wave has something else in it. He turns to Gareth with a giant grin on his face who turns bright red and grits out for him to not say a word.

"Heya guys, hear you need a drummer?"

Eddie's face falls. "No." He desperately turns to Gareth, "Please tell me this is just another very niche dream of something that will never happen to me in my waking hours." Gareth can't.

And Idk, Jeff and Freak don't quite believe that he's that good cause it's been a few years and Steve plays one of their originals making Eddie practically drool but everyone else is too flabbergasted to give him shit.

And somewhere between practices and Gareth finally letting himself be adopted by Steve (partially cause he is peak older sibling vibes but also it drives Eddie mad the guy he's falling for basically being one of his best friend's older brother. Idfk) Eddie and Steve figure their shit out and start dating. Maybe with a jealous Dustin cause HE adopted Steve first, how dare Gareth come and steal his rightfully shanghaied older sibling/best friend?

That's all I got. Someone take this and go crazy.

[justhereformilgram]

Why yes I do find myself becoming enthralled with multimedia stories primarily told through songs and sometimes manga and other ways with characters labeled numbers one to ten who are all so complicated and deep <3

Under the cut is spoilers/speculation for the Kagerou Project and trial one and trial two of the MILGRAM project! If you’re a fan of one of these I recommend checking the other two out! Also discussion of suicide topics and general dark content considering these tragic characters

Ok those up above are just paired by number (prison number and order of joining the mekkakushi dan) but here is how I’d pair them based on power/themes + explanations, maybe even if there was a crossover or au sort of thing. The ones with the blue squares are what I think definitely fit while the others I had to go back and forth on

prepare for a ton of yapping. Lol. Lmao.

Kido and Haruka: Abandonment and attention issues + the power to conceal yourself so you don’t get noticed is really interesting to me… Kido is more confident and blunt than Haruka, and yet, I do think they match up fairly well.

Seto and Mahiru: I was debating on giving Seto’s power to Yuno or even Es since it’s like. I don’t know people pleasing/the whole motif of trying to see inside of people’s minds but Mahiru having mind reading powers compels me, since she’s so empathetic. It would also make her indirect murder so much more messy since she would have likely tried to show her love more if she could viscerally sense her boyfriend struggling, but ough.

Kano and Kazui: now this. This fits like a glove. They’re all about lies and pain baybeee… Yobanashi Decieve is such a perfect Kazui song it’s not even funny. (Using the Will Stetson Eng Lyrics but like. Come on)

“Act normal and all of that, but my heart’s still rushing fast so easily”

“I bit the fruit (apple motif!!) and the snake burrowed inside of me”

“But that’s only right, cause I’m a monster in kind”

“Listen closely to this coward’s beating heart, a selfish face that’s seeped in pain, the only me that remains”

“Though I say I’m really lonely, nothing’s ever gonna change”

Mary and Amane : Okay this is a more of a hear me out but hear me out. Both sheltered from the outside/real world, albeit for different reasons, Amane by her religious organization, Mary by her mom since she has Medusa blood. Petrification as a power would be helpful for amane in that murder and/or not getting hurt again, and/or punishing sinners. Also I think Amane would judge Mary since she’s all about stopping the natural cycle of death with all those timeloops

Muu and Momo: Simply they are both popular and that power of drawing eyes is so perfect for that. Less good for Muu once everyone turns on her but it still works.

Ene and Fuuta: This is so just because digital media like video games and twitter are so important to Fuuta like yes go into the computer buddy and cyberbully on another level. They also have similar outward prickliness <3

Shintaro and ES: this is really just about main characters and retaining eyes probably going to Es…? Wasn’t too sure of this one myself tbh

Hibiya and Mikoto (and John): Ok Focusing eyes I couldn’t really think of anyone since it’s very niche but ehh..? Graphic artist??? I do think a kagerou daze situation with Mikoto and John of John trying to save Mikoto in a death loop would fit them before the twist that oh no, sacrificing yourself just continues a different cycle…

Konoha and Kotoko: they can PUNCH. mostly did this one because kotoko would love to have the power to punch people to death and also. Well. Most inter-party kills. In konoha’s case due to possession but Kotoko would prob use hers for cold hard Justice

Hiyori and Shidou: ok this was Clearing Eyes since timeline shenanigans makes it so that Hiyori isn’t part of the group most loops. Maybe I should’ve put Kenjirou instead… well… welp. Shidou would go that far for his wife, that’s all I’ll say, and also the snake of knowledge fits him

Ayano and Yuno: Wasn’t sure about this one, since tbh Novel ES (the girl one) probably fits Ayano better, but Yuno having such a emotional power, able to express her feelings to another, while having everything she has going on could be interesting. Maybe Yuno matches Hiyori better I don’t know LOL Ayano is my favorite of the kagepro bunch though

[callsign-bunnie]

Wow… I always thought you were inclusive to all fans. Guess not.

Spoilers

I tried to be, and I still try to be to MOST fans, but I have limits and I have lines. I know it's probably been obvious, but I've really drawn back from being socially active in the fandom. I take stands, occasionally, but for the most part, I just block and move on. My block list on tiktok is long, because if I don't like content, I block rather than get upset.

I don't really look at my home page, anymore. Going onto AO3 hits me with so many (niche and specific to me) triggers in a day, that my reason for not reading others' works has shifted from, even though I'm working on managing it, my Dyslexia to just being unable to navigate my own triggers. This isn't anyone's fault, it's mine.

If I'm being honest? My mental health is in the dumpster and while this has a wide variety of reasons, if I can protect it in any way I can, I will. And if this includes having to tell a certain group of fans that they're not welcome on my blog? Unfortunately, that's what has to happen.

I'm not a stranger to fandom wars, as stupid as I think they are, I'm not a stranger to the aggression that happens here. And I have, definitely, been on the other side a few times. My first proper introduction to fandom was Supernatural and FNAF. I STILL deal with seeing posts talking about how a ship I didn't ship is superior to one I do ship for no fucking reason. I understand liking a character, and I understand having villain characters that you still like and love, and I can appreciate the "he's my precious pookie bear and does nothing wrong" mindset to a certain extent.

But I think ignoring Makarov's actions, even if he's a fictional character, even if it's just a game, is ignorant, in today's climate. A prime example of why I cannot get behind it is Russian Terminator. I have... so many reasons I can go through why this man is just awful, but my wife is slightly more educated, so I'll let her take the reigns on that one if she wants. However, he sucks. Objectively. But because he's masked and ripped, I see so many edits of him. So many.

I see people call themselves his "simps" and actively ignore and block those who try to point out his horrific actions and opinions and views and values to them. This man is not a fictional character. He's a real person.

I have always been a huge advocate for "live and let live" in fandom spaces. To an extent that even my wife and I get into arguments over it. My only limit seems to be pedophilia, for personal reasons. And I am not telling you to stop writing Makarov. I'm not even telling you not to find him hot. You can giggle and kick your feet when he "activates your praise kink" in the first mission, I don't care I won't stop you.

But I don't want that in my own space. I protect my peace. This ranges from silly things that just bother me (pricegraves) to big things like this. As my wife stated, Graves committed war crimes. Yes. He killed civilians, and that's inexcusable. But, I feel like this is comparing a passion killing, to systematic murder. Graves would have committed those crimes in any country, but the US. France, England, pretty much any country he could have gotten away with it.

Makarov targeted a country of Arabic people, because he knew about the aggression and islamophobia that exists in the west. He knew that if he pulled some strings a little, he could very easily turn a country just looking for peace into a country of terrorists, in the western media's eyes. This is irredeemable in my eyes.

So, no. I try to be inclusive. Pricegraves fans are still welcome to interact with me. They know by now that I won't write it, I don't really entertain it, and to go to my wife. The same for FarahAlex shippers, and really anyone who ships something on my No-Ship list. (Though please get the memo on that second ship, I'm never gonna budge, I'm sorry.)

I'm sorry if you feel alienated, I know it probably sucks. Trust me, I understand. But, unfortunately, I want to protect my peace, and I want my blog to continue to be my own safe space.

Thank you for understanding.

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

hey can u tell me abt ball point pen history

OH BOY DO I EVER!!!

The first patent for ballpoint pens was granted in 1888. Specifically on the 30th of October, to one John J Loud. It was supposed to be able to write on coarser surfaces that a fountain pen could not.

However, this very first version of a ballpoint pen sucked balls. It was not a design that could not write on paper. At all. Also, the ink tended to either leak (in summer) or freeze (in winter) Mind, I only have one specific source on this model right now but. There's a reason they were yet to be used for a long time. Over the next couple decades, a few people tried to chime in with suggestions for improvement but Loud kept a tight wrap on those patents.

No profit was made from Loud's original version of a ballpoint pen. But, you know, technically it still existed.

Now, early 20th century. Enter László Biró, a newspaper editor who was frustrated about all the smudging ink from fountain pens and his dentist brother-with-chemical-knowledge György. Biró (already seeing the resemblance to some slang here) watched newspapers being printed and dry very, very quickly and went "actually, You Know What".

What they figured out was that to use ink that dries fast in a pen, you need a pen that prevents the ink from drying fast inside of said pen. Therefore, they spent Quite A While figuring out a mechanism to allow inkflow while preventing it from drying and clogging up inside. 1938, they filed for a British patent.

1941, the Biró brothers left Hungary due to its support of Hitler (based) and eventually settled in Argentina, where they founded/developed a new brand of ballpoint pens with their friend Juan Jorge Meyne and filed a new, better patent in 1943.

Now this is where things get messy and my sources differ sliiightly but considerably enough to be confusing.

One the one hand, you have two companies, Eversharp Co and Eberhard Faber Co teaming up to license this Birome pen in the USA.

Around the same time, a bit later, some American fuckhead, also known as Milton Reynolds gets a hold of a Biró pen and gets a whiff of sales money immediately. He goes back to the US and starts his own company. This is Absolutely Not A Copyright Infringement since he's selling an altered copy only loosely based on those Birome pens. Definitely. Absolutely.

I mean, to be fair, it was in fact different enough to count as its own brand. And it skipped and leaked and did not live up to user expectations. But neither did Eversharp/Faber's pens, and both companies were constantly caught up in their beef that both companies went down like a lead balloon.

Eventually, Parker Pens got out the first proper design that, you know, actually worked as intended (and was, I think, actually licensed to Birome pens), and a little later Bich, then shortened to Bic, made a design that actually offered quite some precision. This was around the 1940s/1950s when ballpoint pens now finally, actually, permanently came in use (Bic around the 60s I believe) and I love them.

Keep in mind, though, I only used three sources, one of those Wikipedia, and picked through slight contradictions to figure out what makes sense and is the most likely, so take this with a grain of salt.

For the initial purposes of my research, however, this was more than sufficient. (I needed to know if I could have a character in the 30s click a pen. Since they were still pretty much not in use back then, she got to twirl a pencil instead. It was one tiny sentence.)

Thank you for asking! It's my favourite piece of niche knowledge to whip out at random and the only one I can support with dates and names, though I did have to read up on my bookmarked pages. I am waiting for the day when I finally play powerpoint karaoke and get the topic of ballpoint pens. Please let this happen, it would be so funny. Uno uno (<- prayer of my friend group).

[lady-phasma]

Hi, what I’ve noticed particularly about the house of the dragon fandom is that unless you’re a good fic writer or are friends with a good fic writer the fandom ignores you . I’ve seen people on here and TikTok make friends online that become friends irl . I know that’s not always the case but it seems to me that unless your s good fic writer here or a good editor on TikTok the fandom ignores you . I don’t get it . As if people who don’t write fics don’t have opinions or can discuss things . It’s really upsetting to

Hi nonnie. I'm so sorry you're upset. 💕 First, hugs.

Second, full disclosure, Tumblr is my only "social media" aside from a Facebook account I use to mostly stay in touch with family and friends from college. So I can't speak about TikTok creators. I would very much like for you to reply to this if you feel like it. I'm going to tag you as 💝 but please let me know if you want a different one.

The reason I hope you'll respond is so you know that your opinion matters. If you want to share your opinions with me I will listen and usually respond pretty quickly. Also, I would like to know your thoughts on "good fic writer" - I'm just going to say creator as a general term in this answer but I don't think the qualifier "good" matters and here's why...

If that is your perception and, perhaps the perception of other non-creators, it might be a little skewed because creators on all platforms tend to connect with one another for advice, criticism, tips, or help (like beta reading). That's why I'm not going to qualify someone's creativity with good/bad.

I truly do not want anyone in the fandom to feel this way. At all. Not ever. You do not deserve to be ignored. You have thoughts and opinions and they are interesting. Finding the niche group we fit in with is as difficult online as it is in real life.

I can't speak about TikTok, but for Tumblr, I think writers might appear to be the "loudest" because this is a platform that people use to read fanfiction. Does that mean that I think only fic writers should have the bullhorn? Of course not, and there are a few blogs who aren't fic writers, mostly nonfiction or opinions, and they get seen. So I would like to ask you this:

Do you not feel heard because a specific person or group belittled your thoughts? Or do you not feel heard because you don't feel like you are having the amount of personal interactions in the HotD fandom that you expect?

Lastly, I don't know about making friends irl from Tumblr. I have made friends who I chat with off Tumblr and have known for ages it seems and we still haven't shared our real names! (And I love them so much!) Tumblr is a bizarre and lovely place. "Social media" has really only been applied to Tumblr retroactively. Sure, we come here to socialize, but I don't assume that I will meet any of my lovely friends in real life. There's absolutely no pressure.

I don't want to take up too much more of your time but I would be honored if you would be my friend. I don't mean you have to out yourself in my DMs or come off anon. I want to know that you're okay, I don't want to worry about you. I want you to not feel ignored. As unhinged, insane, toxic, and exciting as the HotD fandom is, it's got some amazing people in it, just like any fandom. I found that I had to reach out to some people first and that's hard for a lot of folks. I have made other friends because they reached out to me first. If you do come back to my inbox (I sincerely hope you do), I'm curious how long you've been in the fandom/on tumblr, but only tell me what you're comfortable with. And if you just want to fill my inbox with fandom thoughts, that's okay too! I'm here for you.

[ghostfilecabinet]

What are your favorite long (20k+ words) shyan fics? Could you recommend a few, please?

Oh boy oh boy, you have absolutely come to the right place.

collapse in threads by sky_somedays is at 20,179 words and begs the question of what exactly the boys would do if they suddenly developed superpowers and also were in love? A very recent read for me, and features in my Halloween Rec List. [canonverse]

Light Metaphors by sohapppily is one of my favourite fics in fandom - it feels incredibly real, and is written beautifully. Written entirely from Ryan's perspective as he pines for a Shane who is in a relationship. Gorgeous angst, with a happy ending. Clocks in at about 68k. [canonverse]

The Thrilling Case of the Mysterious Five by MiraclesofPaul really works for me because I fucking lock the cryptid academia vibes of early Unsolved Ryan and I absolutely feel like we as a fandom did not play with that more, but this fic ABSOLUTELY does that. Accurate tags are accurate when they called this "x-files au if you squint" and i love it. Sits at 57k.

Like Wildfire by makemadej (santamonicayachtclub) is 20k words of a really unique take on Shane, who gets himself (and Ryan) into shenanigans by not being super adept at the heart to brain to mouth filter. Also features a brand new kink that possibly only exists in this fandom. [canonverse]

pendulum by soyul is 150k of a paranormal detective AU and it's incredibly underrated for how HOOKED I was throughout the entirety of it.

Ancient Magical Wishing Well Verse features two things people are sometimes iffy with, which is the 'woke up with different bits' trope and mpreg, but at 36k words its honestly amazing and deserves so much love. [canonverse]

This Tornado Loves You by sequence_fairy. The thing about BFU/Watcher is that I honestly believe it should have a lot more 'niche interests' AU, because Shane and Ryan are absolutely kings of niche interests, and even though I don't think Ryan has even ever experienced a tornado I just think they'd be proud of 22k tornado chasers fic. It fits their vibe.

Edge of Town by Justspookythingz, which I read because it was labeled 'midwestern gothic' and I like gothic anything. A very creepy story about Shane and Ryan being stuck in a weird town. You can see that I got into BFU because I love the creepy and the eerie. [canonverse] (but is mostly a horror)

not always from the sky by yellowhalcyon - 30k and very hard to describe, but it features aliens and demons, Ryan house-sitting in the desert, my usual love of The Weird and, as usual, Shane and Ryan falling in love.

Want You In My Court by Ourladyofresurrection. I recced this in my recent bottom Bergara rec list but I want to re-highlight it because it got me to read a university AU and as you can see by the above recs I'm more of a ... not of this world type of fic fan. But it features phone sex operator Shane rocking Ryan's world and then they do a group project together and fall in love, in that order.

Oh, Ye Of Little Faith by youvebeenscuppered. Was aiming for ten but I thought I recced too many AUs and not enough set in the canon verse! This one was fun and sexy and features a Mysterious Box that Shane is desperate to get inside of (but maybe not as desperate as he is to get inside of Ryan, heyo!) [canonverse]

[three--rings]

Hello! Sorry to bother but I am waaay too curious

If you have time/energy/mood, could you please elaborate? I am curious about your perspective. Psychology is one of my biggest passions and I want to start a degree in it (with possibility to advance further with the degree maybe) I am aware of some of its flaws, and the fact that it can be biased and inconclusive and not exactly exact and precise like the other sciences. Is there anything else that perhaps I should keep an eye out on? Thank you for reading and if you reply, thank you for replying as well.

So the thing about studying psychology, especially at the undergrad level, is that you spend all your time being taught about these landmark studies that defined the thinking of decades of psychology theory and practice.

And then at some point, which may be during or after your education, you learn all of those studies were terrible research bullshit that can't be reliably reproduced even if they could get past a modern ethics board.

Psychology is a field that is really uncomfortable with itself because it desperately wants to be taken seriously as a hard science and not be thought of as just people thinking about people. But it is REALLY REALLY bad at being a hard science. The research is just not rigorous at ALL.

My senior year of undergrad for my research methods class my group of slackers who rarely went to class put together a research study where we drew up entirely new models and tools that looked far better than the published ones, applied them to a much larger and more diverse population of subjects and basically put the leading research in that little niche to shame. On the weekends. Our prof wanted us to publish but we were graduating and it never happened. We sent it to the leading researcher in the field and he was all...uh, yeah, I'm working on some new stuff too...but good for y'all. He was a known prick though.

Like, it's not that there's not good stuff in there somewhere. But my god there's so much chaff.

Then you get into the grad school degree maelstorm and...ugh. There are a lot of options. They are split into practical i.e. you want to help people in the real world and clinical i.e. you want to do shitty studies and publish.

I worked both in psychology research (so I got to see how the sausage was made on the ground) and in social work for mental health care and...most of my coworkers at both jobs had some kind of advanced degrees and were making something around $30K doing the same jobs as me. There are far too many people with masters in psychology because they are easy to get and even if you get your LPC they are still way too many people with them with no idea what they are doing. Like you can go to Christian College Number 304 and get your Marriage and Family Therapy masters and come out and have only learned to Pray On It and do some supervised hours and now you're licensed and yeah I worked with these people. (Go get your masters, they told me. It is SO EASY they told me. Uh, yeah that's not winning me over to your program.)

Anyway, if you can't tell I'm jaded. Besides the fact that the field is one that will eat you alive, burn you out, and then spit you up, with no money and no accomplishments. I also deeply loved it even though it destroyed me. (I mean also my spine exploded, which didn't help.)

If you want to do hands-on helping people stuff I like the social work programs out there. And if you want to study hard science of human behavior neuroscience is killing it. Psychology is...IDK. The most hopeful way to look at it is that it's a discipline going through a transitional period maybe. But I'm also fairly out of touch with the field these days so talking to someone actually in the field now would be a good call for further advice. Unfortunately most faculty in my experience are...deeply behind the times. You would not believe the kind of 1960s relics I had to deal with teaching me.

And most of what I learned about mental health I learned on the ground, in mental health crisis work, on the go. Most of psychology doesn't really enjoy dealing with "abnormal psychology". Which is literally the term for people with any mental health diagnosis. I had one class on it.

So that's my entirely personal experience based opinion. For more, look into the replication crisis of psychology research.

[saturdaynightghostclub]

Toady FAQ!

Hey y’all! I get a lot of the same questions (both on Tiktok and here in the bog), so I thought I’d answer a bunch of em at once! As always, if you have questions not listed here, I’m happy to chat :)

Are you going to upload/continue the 90s series? (Alternatively: Upload the 90s series. You should upload it to Tumblr. Continue the 90s series.)

With all the love in the world, no. At least not for the moment—ask me again in 6 months!

Writing that series ended up being super stressful, and I’m not super eager to get back in there at the moment. I’m worried I’d continue to carry that stress and that I’d grow to resent the story, which is not at all what I want! I also don’t want to be 8 chapters into a new piece of writing and still have people asking about the 90s series, which I hope is understandable.

By all means, save the posts from Tiktok so you can revisit them. Just please don’t post them anywhere :)

Do you have Spotify? Can you make a playlist of all the songs you used in your Tiktoks?

I’ve thought about this question a lot, and basically: you tell me.

I have a Spotify account, but haven’t shared it for privacy reasons. However, if enough people wanted it, I could be persuaded to change my username and share my playlists :)

I do think it’s fun to have music to go along with a story, and it’s actually the one thing I miss about Tiktok. So the other option would be to maybe post chapters as audio posts with the text underneath, if I can figure out how to do that?

Basically: you tell me what you think, and I’ll do it!

Will your next story feature XYZ?

It depends on your request (and, honestly, the tone in which you ask it). I’m more than happy to consider requests and suggestions, but I have two stipulations:

1. There are certain perspectives and lived experiences from which I simply cannot write accurately; if you’re asking me to write about the experiences of a marginalized group, consider that I might not be the person to portray them. On top of being in a privileged position myself, I’m also just not an experienced enough writer to properly research and depict experiences so inherently different from my own. I can definitely try my best to recommend other writers, but know that, in all things, my knowledge is limited to my own exposure and experience.

2. I cannot possibly make everyone happy. If I took every request I received, I’d end up with a disaster of a story that I wouldn’t even feel like I’d written. I need to retain some creative freedom in order for this to feel worth doing, so while I welcome suggestions please don’t be offended if I don’t take every one I see!

Any advice for people who want to major in English? What are you doing with your degree?

Yes!

Find your niche. Mine was American lit, specifically the weird stuff. The weirder the better—American Gothic, true crime journalism, 19th-century Spiritualism—you name it, I’ve written about it. If you can find a subgenre of literature that you LOVE, nothing you read or write will feel like work.

Don’t edit, rewrite! Print your draft and go over it in red pen, then re-type it with your corrections. I swear by this!

Don’t limit yourself, ever! Take classes on fantasy, sci-fi, children’s lit, climate crisis fiction, religious texts, whatever you can find. You will be better for it!

Everyone is wrong. There’s a TON you can do with an English degree. I worked in finance straight out of college—I knew nothing about business, but my degree taught me to communicate effectively and synthesize information from different sources. You have valuable skills, you just need to learn to market them! Now I’m working in my field and it’s great, but it was never the only option.

DO A STORY ABOUT X IN Y TIME PERIOD SET IN THIS SPECIFIC TOWN!

Beloved, stop yelling at me.

Can I use this as a writing prompt/write my own story/create fanart using these characters?

YES! Knock yourself out, I only ask that you tag me in the final product so I can see your lovely work and hype you up :)

Do you have book/movie/show recs that are similar to your work?

That depends! Send me a specific request (ie: MMCs with similar vibes to Jasper Stevens) and I’ll try my best to recommend you something. If I can’t think of anything, we’ll crowdsource!

[analytic-daemons]

Introduction & Info

If you've stumbled on this blog at random, I suggest having a read of this!

Reason being, the topic of this blog is related to a very niche community and probably won't make any sense at all without context. :P

First thing's first, a quick introduction to me: I'm Rook, a queer agender adult. I use they/them pronouns, thanks!

I'm a daemian, and have been for over a decade. ^u^ I'm going to be crossposting modified versions of my analytic interpretations from TDF to here!

~~~~~

Right, before I get into explanations, some blog info!

I categorise analyses posted here with tags for different groups they belong to. So an ant analysis might be tagged with #invertebrate, #insect, #hymenoptera, and #ant.

Important note: posts here will likely contain images of animals, and that includes animals that may be triggers for those with phobias (such as spiders and snakes)! I will always tag these with the animal for categorisation purposes (e.g. spiders will be tagged with #spider) and I'll try and remember to tag them with trigger warnings too (e.g. #tw spider).

I don't prioritise writing analyses for well-known or iconic animals. You can expect a bit of a mixture!

Yes, you can request an analysis! Bear in mind these things take a big chunk of time to research and write, so please be patient with me. I'll edit this if my inbox gets too full. '^^

I'll be posting shortened versions of my analyses on this tumblr, but I'll also link to the full version on TDF (which has info on how I interpreted the traits I list) in the post!

~~~~~

Okay, Q&A time~

Wait, wait, you lost me. Daemian?

Right, context time! A daemian is a person who practices daemonism. Despite how it might sound, this isn't a spiritual practice or a religion -- more of a psychological thing for most of us!

Daemonism has its roots in the fan community for His Dark Materials (HDM), a book series by author Philip Pullman.

In HDM, every human has a sapient companion called a "dæmon" that represents their inner nature. Dæmons begin their lives as animal shapeshifters, but when their human reaches a certain age they settle into a permanent animal form which represents their human in some way.

Daemians took this idea and built a community and practice around it! Daemonism has two sides: one is to learn to communicate with your daemon, who is usually a psychological aspect of yourself or your mind; the other side is to find a fitting form. The latter is what this blog is concerned with!

The daemian community is a pretty old one by internet standards -- about two decades old now, if I'm remembering correctly! It's always been niche, but we're super welcoming to those wanting to learn more or give it a try. c:

So what's an "analytic interpretation"?

Within the daemian community, a few different ways have emerged to find what form your daemon might take to represent you.

Some of these align closely with the way daemon forms work in HDM -- they use cultural associations and animal symbolism. So, a lion might be proud, bold and lazy!

Analytic is a bit of a different beast. The analytic system was thought up by the daemian community, who wanted a system which more aligned with real animal behaviour rather than anthropomorphisation.

Analytic is a system that translates animal behaviour into human personality traits. There are conventions for how this is done, which give the system a bit of consistency -- but ultimately it's still more of an art than a science, and not everyone would interpret an animal in exactly the same way. That's okay, though! It's just part of the fun. :P

Analyses are write-ups which describe how the author interprets the animal's behaviour. That's mostly what I intend to post on this tumblr!

Analyses are written as resources for the daemian community, to help them find a form which they feel fits who they are. ^^

How does someone find what animal fits them?

Analytic form-finding is a big, big topic! There's a lot of depth to it, really.

Most people start their analytic journey by making a list of their personality traits. They can then compare this list against existing analyses, find animal behaviours that may align, or share the list with the daemian community so others can make suggestions!

If you're interested in getting involved, I highly recommend joining the daemian community!

There's two main, active centres for the daemian community online. The oldest is The Daemon Forum (TDF), which -- given it's a forum -- isn't the busiest place, but there's still folks around!

TDF also has a Discord server, which is a bit more lively! It's a good place to ask questions and interact with members of the daemian community.

Can I ask questions about daemonism / analytic forms / etc. here?

Yes! Absolutely feel free! Daemonism is my special interest of all time, I love talking about it. :D You can ask stuff about general daemonism too, not just forms or analytic stuff!

So... what's your analytic form? >:)

I'm an analytic European hornet and proud! 🐝🐝🐝

[enigmaticexplorer]

Hi! I thought it would be fun to invite some peeps to share a lil about themselves if they so desire. Absolutely feel free to delete this without a second thought! ☺️ But if it pleases the jury…

What do you like to do most on tumblr — write, draw, read, etc?

Any favorite fics, with a tiny summary and why they’re so good? It’s ok if it’s your own! 😜

Three of your favorite blogs to follow and why?

Favorite SW character and why?

Ok, I suppose I’m done interrogating. 🤓 Toodle-oo!

Hi Free! Thank you for the questions :)

What do you like to do most on tumblr — write, draw, read, etc?

I like to read other people’s works, look at artwork (because I can’t draw and I’m always so impressed by those who can), and I like to write.

Any favorite fics, with a tiny summary and why they’re so good? It’s ok if it’s your own! 😜

I have read some amazing long fics and one-shots, but I’m not going to mention any. I’m always concerned I might hurt someone’s feelings, and I don’t want people to think their fics aren’t worth the time if they’re never recommended in something like this. :) (If you’re actually interested in what I’ve read, you can check my tags “drabble recs” and “fanfic recommendation”.) So, I’ll mention the fic I’m currently writing as it’s been therapeutic and allowed me to work through some of my personal issues.

Three of your favorite blogs to follow and why?

Every blog I follow is unique and amazing. To pick only 3 is tough, but here we go:

1. (@dystopicjumpsuit) DJ has written such incredible short and long fics that deal with genuinely raw and human emotions, feelings, experiences, and insecurities. I love the variety DJ has written (seriously, you can find a fic/ one-shot for any itch), and their blog has so many diverse stories and even drink recipes (I don’t drink and I’m fairly mediocre in the kitchen, but I’ve wanted to try some of DJ’s recipes because they look so fun).

2. (@starstofillmydream) Molly has written a seven-part (and ongoing) series of Commander Cody headcanons. Cody is one of my favorites and I love how niche yet realistic these headcanons are. I also appreciate the discourse and nuance Molly brings to Cody’s character, especially since she appreciates his character as the individual he is rather than devaluing him to a relationship status.

3. (@freesia-writes) I have to mention you (Free) because I enjoy seeing the chains you start. The engagement you bring to this community is positive and inclusive and it’s such a refreshing breath from some other fandom communities I’ve encountered. From your writing of so many clones, to the fun drabbles you do, I love what your blog offers the community.

Favorite SW character and why?

This one is hard because I have two: Wolffe and Thrawn.

Wolffe was the first SW character I truly came to love. His sarcastic, easily irritable personality, along with his stalwart loyalty, sheer intelligence, and strategic mindset (and his general badass vibe!) easily make him the SW character I have so much appreciation for. But the thing that made him stand out to me: in one of the comics, Wolffe gives a group of deserted clones an opportunity to prove themselves loyal rather than be punished for desertion. I’ve always thought it was a testament to his emotional intelligence and true leadership that he was willing to give these men an opportunity to regain his trust and loyalty. Wolffe is that type of character with a gruff, rougher exterior but deep down is emotionally driven to protect his brothers. And I think it’s admirable of him. I know we have minimal canonical information about him, but I love his character so much.

Thrawn is one of those characters I never expected to like but he forced himself into my life and I can’t go back. (I have to clarify, I am talking about Zahn’s Thrawn, not Filoni’s.) Thrawn in the Ascendancy trilogy brought so much nuance to his character. I like how he helps other characters reach their full potential, and is always challenging others to be the best version of themselves. He has this urgency to protect his people but also his galaxy, and the way he gets righteously angry with the enslavement and destruction of species in his part of the galaxy, along with his decisions to help these people, even when it means invoking the frustrations and dislike of leaders against him, makes him such a fascinating character to me.

[wyvolf]

Vent Channels + Blacklists in (big) Discord Public Community Servers Are Bad Actually!

I know this will make some folks mad and get their pitchforks for me for this, so here is a quick disclaimer: *small friend servers is FINE for having vent channels and blacklists! This is about public community based servers such as fan-servers for media, a fan-community for your own*, and roleplay servers as well*.

Again, NOT small (private or at least semi-private) friend servers! We good? Cool! Please at least stick around for the reasons and a further explanation.

(I am aware this reads as a personal opinion and you're right! It is!)

Regarding Vent Channels Now is venting bad? NO! It isn't! It's healthy to want to be open and talk to a friend, sometimes that friend group is in a discord server and that is fine.

But when it comes to easy-access public discord servers where anyone could join? Even if you have the best rules for vent channels, even if you moderate it closely it can turn very bad very quick, such as people sending literal suicide notes in the channels. Or, once even, their /fresh/ self harm wounds in graphic detail. Now, I think we can imagine how triggering these could be, it got to the point where it has started server arguments. People being banned, stalking, rejoining on alts, etc.

Several years later in a Discord server I am still a moderator for (hell on earth) we did used to have a vent channel in the community server. For the first few messages it was light complaints about how touch school was, or co-workers being irritating and at the time the other mods and myself were fine with this. But sometimes some vents were too much, thus the messages were removed with the user notified in a private channel (this was before threads/forums) to let them know and to explain why sending that wasn't good with providing resources such as a helpline.

All mods were trying to be respectful and caring to handle cases like this.

Sadly, it got to the point where the channel had to have a mass deletion of messages due to multiple accounts of heavy venting, causing arguments and other issues where it was brought into the general chats. Since then the server owners and the mods (including myself) decided that it would be better to just remove the channel and add the rule: "Please do not use our server for venting. Vents should not be posted in our server in any way, shape, or form. If you need an outlet, please seek out a trusted adult, friend, or server in which to do so."

Since then we barely had too much issues with this. From that day I wholeheartedly believe that vent channels (even if its locked behind a role via a reaction) in public servers that is accessible for anyone and everyone is Bad.

Now onto blacklists.

Blacklists are fine when it comes to smaller friend servers, typically blacklists are topics that should not be discussed or at least spoke about with a spoiler. Typically this is very very understandable when its for the more commonplace triggers or discomforts such as suicide, self-harm, pet death, etc. etc.

Recently though it has become apparent that again when it comes into massive public discord servers, even with the best moderation imagined, and allowing people to expand on that blacklist can become very silly very quickly.

Now this is NOT to dismiss anyone's niche triggers, you are VALID, but when it comes to public servers. Some people don't read every channel and it can be hard to keep track of everyone's personal trigger. So, with things like "man standing emoji" (🧍‍♂️) or even commonplace first names (Sarah, John, etc.) it can be very silly very quickly. And to that I think it would be better for users when their trigger is brought up to take a step back, drink some water, take a walk, or even ask (politely) for the topic to be changed.

The internet is Not A Safe place, real life is not a safe place. You are responsible for your own triggers. People who make fun of such are very much cunts. But realistically niche triggers that only a handful of people have worldwide won't be tagged constantly, and sometimes sadly all you can do is scroll on past, block the person if need be, or take a walk away from the situation.

And when this comes to massive public discord servers. Community, emoji-based servers, etc. This can quickly catch fire with certain people joining, reading that blacklist and instantly criticizing it because of the absurdness of it.

Sometimes this can very much to lead to unfair harassment or even blatant ableism which is very Gross and Disgusting.

Why have these sort of channels for public discords that could reach thousands of members? When the group is made for roleplay, emojis, or even specific topics? Whats the point? I get to make a safe space community. But why? When all these things could go wrong?

The best advice I can give is: remove said vent channels, have at most the most common phobias, or at the most state in the rules that things of suicide, racism, etc etc. is not tolerated. You don't need a seperate list for this.

If you're a small friend server? Do whatever you want as long as its legal and everyone involved is safe.

You're very much allowed to disagree with me, all I ask is to Not Attack me. Grow up... if you're so pressed: move on with your day.

[e77y]

Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)

Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh

The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)

All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!

ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more

^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls

Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.

[broomsticks]

me, seeing if i can bait anyone into diving into BL fandom drama with me 😈

transcript (pdf) here

v interesting episode bringing together some really different perspectives! podcast hosts are australia-based academics who usually focus on china politics—i haven’t listened to any other episodes but they’re definitely on my to-do.

they also brought on an american(?) scholar of chinese history/ art history lecturer at HKU, who reads fanfiction and is interested in chinese tv dramas from the state censorship/regulation pov — and a(n asian?) BL (+ thorki, johnlock, etc) fanfic author 幻想症患者 (love the nick. means smth like ‘suffers from delusions’)

it’s no easy feat to be the lone fanfic writer in this discussion, to have to fairly represent the many aspects to these really complex issues, and there were a couple of rather - honestly not even fandom 101, more like fandom 100-level type questions you’d only get from people with no fandom experience.

on the whole though the hosting was good, you can tell the hosts did a lot of prep on the untamed show and the controversies re. the actor and his fans/his real-life fans fandom

though, on that note, i thought the discussion was a bit muddled between these different groups of ‘fan/fandom’. i have no doubt that everybody in the discussion was clear that these were separate things and which they were talking about at any point in time, just maybe didn’t have the language to signpost/ organize it more clearly, but i could’ve used more structure imo.

• • •

i especially appreciated huanxiang’s point about how (very grossly paraphrased) there is safety and protection and freedom in nicheness and obscurity and (less grossly paraphrased) drama draws unnecessary attention from outsiders who don’t understand fandom - particularly this bit:

I would be very, very careful to link [fandom trends and phenomena to anything (LGBTQ issues etc) in real life], not that it cannot be done. But please don't do that before like, before you have finished like 100, 200 BL novels or something like that with like a full understanding of the space

understanding before judgment! please! yes!

but also — while n=1 is just that, n=1, but i’d be lying if i said i didn’t giggle a little at the undertone of the cultural value(?) that attention, standing out, is a negative thing and viewed with this like default-aversion/suspicion. idk

that said, my main thought re. this hesitation wrt people who don't belong to this community and understand the norms of this community wasn’t so much kinks and fantasies and premier zhou/chairman mao RPF, but rather not showing celebrities rpf of themselves / creators fic of their characters. neither type of wank is great, obviously, and the two types do often go hand in hand, but i’d almost rather wank be brought into the community than leak out of it

• • •

another point alluded to (not really discussed) on the pod that might be new to western media fandomgoers/ my usual mutual circle is that the untamed netflix tv show originated as original fiction published on a site that hosts both OF and FF both pay- and free-to-read. there were fan translations and all, that were taken down after official translation rights were sold (there is a lot of wank & drama on this issue. a lot.)

a 2019 censorship crackdown on the site, unrelated to (predating) the untamed/xiao zhan controversy discussed on the pod

anyway, point being - the coexistence of the two camps — intended-for-commercialization amateur fiction, presumably sanitized and lowest-common-denominator and all that, and niche not intended for wider popularity-type writing — is fascinating. good to know that they can stably coexist in some form, given how much concern there often is re. commercialization of fanworks that the former will outcompete the latter!

• • •

BY FAR THE BEST TAKE - MY FAVE part of the podcast - was dr angie baecker’s response to the question is BL (response is also applicable to slash fic) subversive?

BL is and can be an extremely subversive space. But I also think BL can replicate a lot of structures that are not subversive. I also want to draw attention to the fact that many people in the LGBTQ community, some enjoy BL, some read it, some don't, some hate it.

when you have largely straight women writing romances about gay couples without having much access to knowledge about what those relationships are like, I think that there is [huge potential] for misunderstandings about queer identities and the LGBT community

It can be really freeing to see [to see the range of different types of M/M relationships], to explore not just homosexuality, but also homosociality

But at the same time, when you have such an emphasis on the male relationships, like everyone in the Untamed is a gay man or in an M/M relationship, that often comes at the cost of erasing a lot of female characters. And so you have this drama that may have started in some ways from the lack of agency given to female characters, but then it replicates a lot of the erasure of women as centres of agency within stories, too. So, I think it can be subversive, yes. And it could be very unsubversive, actually.

definitely some food for thought there. obligatory (and i do mean it!!) preface that fandom is not meaningful activism, does not have to be, you are not a bad person for not engaging with it — but i do wonder… in my view, there’s an element of - ‘with how oppressive the power structures of mainstream media, wider society, etc can be… why not take the opportunity to push back against them a little, here in this space where we can?’

• • •

also had a laugh at dr baecker’s unfortunately prescient prediction, their hesitation, that while I feel like right now we're really on the cusp of a rising trend in terms of seeing BL represented in pop culture - we're only going to see more and more of it -

I am a little worried that there might be some kind of like a foreclosing of this space because there's always this kind of Icarus phenomenon of when something gets too popular, right, it gets clipped back a little bit. So, I do worry about that.

😬 hahaha. that aged well.

• • •

misc pieces of fun fandom drama:

whether character name tags should include diacritics/tone marks! on the side of no: convenience - up until recently, tone marks wouldn’t autocomplete correctly. and for all the incorrectness, it’s not (any more) ambiguous. on the yes side: tone marks are objectively (more) correct. does their omission amount to racism?

it seems like (some sections of?) chinese webnovel fandom apparently have the fandom culture of not messing with the creator’s stated preferences — not just canon ships, but sexual preferences (topping and bottoming). fascinating!! fandom etiquette 👀

[b-blushes]

not to create an existential crisis in anyone haha but recently i've been very aware of how much time i spend on here and thinking a lot about, like, is that bad.

it's hard to reflect on something that broadly feels nice to do in the context of 'but is is *good for me* to do'? like, i don't think i've made it particularly secret on here that i don't have a big in-person social life - disability and pandemic and most of my friends living too far for me to be able to travel to see (for aforementioned reasons) is Quite Socially Isolating! For that reason, it's nice to be in a space where you feel at least acquainted to certain people, and at most where some of my tumblr-friendships that have developed into other-website-friendships and sending each other letters in the post friendships and meeting each other face to face friendships!

It's also hard to think of another 'leisure activity' that is the mix of 'engaging but not too mentally strenuous' BUT ALSO is not physically strenuous too! I have quite a few hobbies but none of them quite hit the mentally vs physically exerting balance/niche that hanging out on tumblr does. Reading, embroidery, crochet, sewing, drawing, gardening, writing, making videos, collage, journal stuff, playing switch games, idk a bunch of other craft things* - all of them hurt more than this does! They are more 'active activities' where being here is more of a 'rest activity', but that time spent here is time kept from spending doing other things. Are those other theoretical things 'better'? I have fatigue issues with my brain (as well as with using the rest my body :P) so i can't concentrate for very long, and I don't have the energy to focus my eyes for a whole day any more so i have reading glasses along with my regular all the time glasses now. I have very short periods of time where I can use each body part before i have to cycle to a different activity/chore/rest that uses and rests all the other body parts. I can't stand up or walk for very long. What on earth are we meant to do with 'free time', and what type of activity is 'bad' or 'good'? :P

i'm not sure i have a point to this post. it's just an interesting and vaguely scary thing to think about i guess? :P I'm conscious of trying to make choices that are conducive to managing mental health conditions and also keep on top of managing physical health conditions too. I'm stuck on how, if i *did* conclude i was spending too much time on here, i would replace that time with a like-for-like activity. I'm not sure what kind of thing is this blend of restful and active at the same time? I guess maybe one potentially significant part of the issue is, I assume a lot of the advice and messaging about 'good internet practice' and how much time you spend online and how much it's 'ruining your life' comes from abled people who can do other stuff more easily, maybe? I definitely agree that there is nuance within the discussion and that regardless of what groups you fall in you can have a Bad Time on the internet and use it in such a way that does mess things up in your broader life! I wonder how views on this sort of thing differ from abled groups to disabled groups, and subgroups within them? I know that sometimes i feel like i'm devoting time and energy to doing online stuff that i nebulously feel 'should' be spent doing something else, but it's hard to untangle all that stuff! And hard to tell if current habits are detrimental in ways you haven't realised until the detriment has been done :P anyway if you've read this and have a thought to add please do leave me a reply! (i've made it un-rebloggable though because people do love to do bad faith takes on The Internet :P)

[thnxforknowingme]

Plucking Daisy Petals

Rating: T

Word Count: 3300

Summary: Blaine Anderson and Quinn Fabray meet during their first year at Yale, and quickly bond over shared experiences. They become best friends, then roommates, and eventually start dating. Blaine cares for Quinn so much, and everyone else thinks they belong together - so it has to be right, doesn't it?

Notes: This fic is entirely thanks to @forabeatofadrum and her fic Ljubim te, in which Blaine and Quinn are dating before Blaine meets Kurt while in Slovenia. I was super fascinated by the idea of Blaine and Quinn falling into a romantic relationship during college, because they're both so desperate for affection and sort of don't know any better. So Yuè very kindly gave me permission to write a quasi-prequel (and also gave me the idea for the title!). That being said - I created this independently, so it may not entirely line up with the canon of Ljubim te. It's meant to compliment Yuè's story, but her fictional universe is her own, so there may be inconsistencies. This is one of the more niche fics I've written, so I'm super grateful to anyone who takes the time to read it. Sorry there's not much resolution at the end - for that, you'll have to read Ljubim te (which is still a WIP, so even I don't know how it'll turn out!)

The stage lights glared over the dingy, battered folding chairs that were arranged in a large circle. Each of Blaine’s footsteps made a muted thud against the black, wooden surface of the stage as he walked over to a chair. He sat down and pulled out a small notebook. He didn’t know if this was going to be the kind of meeting where notes should be taken, but he liked to be prepared. His chair wobbled unevenly, and he thought briefly that he would’ve expected Yale to have fancier seating options.

“Welcome, everyone!” called out a tall Black woman who stood in the middle of the circle. She was wearing a cardigan that looked handmade, a riot of colorful yarn. “Please take a seat and we’ll get started!”

The last few stragglers who had entered the theater found their way to the uncomfortable chairs, and she smiled out at them all. The student in the center spoke again, catching everyone’s attention. “Thank you for coming! If you somehow ended up here by accident, this is an informational meeting about the Yale Dramatic Association.” She gestured widely as she spoke, turning to project her voice throughout the room. “This is just to help you understand the process of getting involved if you want to become a member, and to start connecting with all you first years who want to contribute to this community. I’m Natalie, I’m a senior and I’ve been involved in theater at Yale since I was a first year, so I’m excited to see you all continuing the tradition! I’m gonna start things off with an icebreaker. I’m sure you’re tired of these already, but if you’re in theater you’re gonna have to get used to them. I want you all here to find a person or a couple people around you to talk to, and tell them why you’re here today. You have five minutes, go!”

The person sitting closest to Blaine was a pretty blonde girl wearing a navy blue dress. She looked liked she could have been a Golden Age Hollywood star.

“Hello,” he said, holding out his hand. “I’m Blaine.”

“Quinn,” she replied, shaking his hand briefly. Her face remained impassive.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Blaine said. “Would you like to start, or should I?”

Her eyes narrowed slightly, and Blaine was struck by the feeling of being put under a microscope. “Go ahead,” she told him.

Blaine nodded and squared his shoulders. “I’ve been performing in choirs and other musical groups for years. I’ve always admired theater but never been involved, and I figure college is the time to try new things. How about you?”

Quinn folded her hands in her lap as she spoke. “I want to study drama,” she said. “I think I’ve been learning how to act like someone else for a long time. I’d like to put that talent to use, and learn how to do it properly.”

“Do you think there is a proper way to do something so creative and personal?” Blaine asked.

She raised an elegant eyebrow. “I suppose I’ll find out.”

“Have you done any stage work before?”

“A little musical theater in high school,” she said. “Ensemble roles. And a lot of singing. I was in choir, too.”

It was easy to continue their conversation based on shared experiences - even more so when they discovered they both came from Ohio. Quinn seemed to soften as they spoke, her posture staying straight but less rigid, her smile growing more genuine. Blaine felt disappointed when they were cut off by Natalie calling for the end of the icebreaker.

Blaine listened diligently to explanations of how the Dramatic Association worked, and to presentations about upcoming student productions and what kind of volunteer help they needed. He took some notes, and put his email on several contact lists. He played theater games and made small talk over catered deli food.

He found Quinn again, but she was in the middle of a conversation with several other girls about hair care routines, and Blaine was pulled away by a guy from his residential college.

When the meeting was officially over and everyone headed for the exits, Blaine caught Quinn just past the first row of seats in the audience. “Hey,” he said, catching her attention. “Could I give you my number?”

She looked back at him, and he once again felt like a specimen being scrutinized.

“I’d love to be friends,” he added, realizing that she could have interpreted his question as a come-on.

Her mask broke, and she smiled. “Sure,” she agreed, pulling out her phone so he could type in his number. 

Blaine left the informational meeting feeling like he’d learned and accomplished a lot.

.

By November, it was unquestionable that Quinn was Blaine’s best friend. They ate together in dining halls, studied side-by-side in the library, stayed up late talking about things banal and profound. Blaine had made other friends, too, but none that he spent as much time with or enjoyed the company of as much as Quinn. Beyond the superficial similarities of their backgrounds, Blaine and Quinn were both ambitious, both craved approval, and were both trained in projecting a smile no matter what they felt underneath. What Blaine loved about Quinn was how they allowed each other to be honest, to admit when they were scared.

They conquered their midterms and finals together. They both crewed on a student production of The Crucible, and Blaine brought Quinn a massive bouquet when she performed a monologue in a first year showcase. They commiserated over family drama during trips home for the holidays. Quinn consoled Blaine when Cooper was in a car accident - he suffered no more than a fractured collarbone, but his trademark overdramatics and lack of communication skills made things seem temporarily dire. Blaine helped Quinn weigh pros and cons when she fell in love with her Global Economies class and ultimately decided to change her major. 

And Blaine was there at 11pm on a Friday night near the end of their freshman year, when he heard a rapid knocking at his door and opened it to see a teary-eyed Quinn clutching her purse in one hand and a pair of heels in the other.

“What happened?” Blaine asked - he knew that she’d had a date that night.

“He was just -” she took an unsteady breath, “- a huge jerk.”

Blaine glanced back into his room, where his roommate was engrossed in a TEDtalk about dark matter.

“Let me grab my shoes,” he told Quinn.

They made their way to the buttery in Blaine’s residential college, and Blaine got a smoothie for them to share. Once they were settled at a table in a dim corner, Quinn began to speak.

“It started out nice,” she said softly. “We got dinner, and then we walked back to his apartment to watch a movie. When we got there he mentioned that his roommate was out of town for the weekend. We were sort of cuddling on the couch, which was fine, but then he started - getting handsy.” She paused and took a breath, and Blaine could feel goosebumps forming on his arms. “I moved his hand,” Quinn went on, her words coming more quickly, “told him to watch the movie, and it was fine for a while. Then he started kissing my neck - which, again, was nice, but clearly he wanted to escalate. So when I moved his hand again and told him I wasn’t interested he got all - surly, and offended. He called me stuck up.” She wiped delicately at her eye. “I left right then.”

Blaine exhaled heavily. “I’m so sorry, Quinn.” He held out a napkin, which she used to blow her nose. “He’s an idiot, and he doesn’t deserve you. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah.” She stared down at the napkin balled in her hands. “Me too.” They were silent for a moment before she said, “I wish I could be a normal college student and have sex with a cute guy, it’s just -”

“You don’t have to justify yourself,” Blaine insisted. “He shouldn’t have pressured you at all, that’s his problem, not yours.”

They hadn’t spoken much about sex and romance, besides one late-night conversation their first semester. Blaine had referenced his complete lack of relationship experience, and Quinn replied that she’d sworn off men after a series of high school relationships that she now realized she’d been in for all the wrong reasons.

“No, I -” she took a deep breath. “I want to. You should know.”

Then, in hushed tones, she revealed something Blaine never could have anticipated - that she was a mother. Or, rather, that she’d given birth to a baby that had been adopted. Suddenly a few things Quinn had said about her past fell into place, but mostly Blaine was just shocked.

“So,” Quinn said with a shrug. “The last time I had sex it kind of ruined my life. Well, it’s more complicated than that. But - that’s why I’m a little hesitant.”

“Of course,” Blaine said. “I’m so - thank you for trusting me with that.”

“Thank you for being trustworthy,” she replied. “I guess I should have stuck with swearing off of men. None of the rest of them are gentlemen like you.”

Blaine smiled softly. “Well, I’m your gentlemanly friend for as long as you want me.”

Quinn got up and sat next to him on the other side of the table, then leaned her head against his shoulder. He lifted his arm to hold her and rub soothing circles onto her back.

.

Blaine and Quinn kept in constant contact over their summer apart, texting and calling to stay updated on each other’s lives. Their sophomore year they started planning their class schedules to have some overlap, since they were both studying business now. Their friendship continued to define their college years, and when they both wanted to move off-campus as seniors, they found an apartment together that they shared with another Yale student named Julia. Blaine loved being able to come home to Quinn after class, to share the latest gossip or agonize over assignments together. 

Blaine got back to the apartment one evening in March to find Quinn pouring Prosecco into the mason jars they used as cups. 

“My pitch won!” she exclaimed as soon as she saw Blaine. “I’m going to New York to present the idea to real investors next month!”

Blaine dropped his school bag and gathered her up in a tight hug. “That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!”

She wore a wide, unabashed smile - completely genuine in a way Quinn rarely was. “Thank you for putting up with me while I’ve been stressing over this. It’s going to look so good on my resume! Wait, how was your midterm?”

“Good!” Blaine said, sitting on one of the stools that served as their kitchen chairs. “Actually less overwhelming than I thought, I feel pretty confident about it.”

Quinn handed him a glass of wine. “Then we both have some celebrating to do tonight.”

Blaine clinked his glass against Quinn’s. “To hard work paying off,” he toasted. 

“To us,” she added, “and our future.”

They drank. 

Julia got home and had half a glass to celebrate their accomplishments, but then had to leave for a trivia night. Blaine and Quinn moved to the living room and polished off the bottle themselves, talking and laughing and singing along to music playing from Blaine’s laptop.

They were seated close on their too-small couch and Blaine’s whole body felt fizzy with sparkling wine. He was just thinking about how this was it, one of those perfect, quintessential college moments that he would never forget, when Quinn leaned even closer to him. He thought that she must have lost her balance, until suddenly his nose was brushing her cheek and she pressed their lips together. 

He was so surprised that he simply froze, unsure how to react.

Quinn pulled back, and her eyes seemed so bright in the dim room when she blinked. “I -”

Blaine was abruptly so certain that he didn’t want to know what she was going to say next, so scared of what her words would be and what they would mean for them both, that he did the only thing he could think of - he leaned forward and kissed her back.

She fell into him immediately, reaching up to grip his arm. Blaine kept his eyes closed and tried to focus. It felt - nice. He’d kissed a couple of girls since coming to Yale, but it wasn’t something he had much experience with. Somehow it being Quinn made it both more fun and more nerve-wracking. He trusted Quinn, knew her as well as she knew him, and there was something comforting about that - but he was also more terrified of what messing up with her might mean.

When they separated, Quinn exhaled heavily. “Wow,” she said.

Blaine cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he breathed. “Wow.”

.

After that, they were a couple. They never explicitly discussed it, but it felt natural to fall into those roles.

Blaine had always been so good at playing the parts others expected of him.

Not much changed, really - they kept their separate bedrooms in the apartment. They’d already spent the majority of their free time together; now they just kissed or cuddled sometimes.

All of their friends said some variation of “finally” when they found out. Blaine’s mother was so happy and excited when he told her that Quinn was his girlfriend now. 

Quinn was Blaine’s best friend, and the whole world seemed confident that they belonged in a relationship, which reassured Blaine that it was the right thing.

Blaine knew he was moving to Los Angeles after graduation for a position in his father’s company, and suddenly it seemed that Quinn was applying to jobs only on the west coast. A week before the end of the semester, she accepted an offer from an outdoors-wear company in LA, sealing their post-college plans together. 

Moving across the country and being thrust into adult life was overwhelming. Cooper was somewhat helpful in introducing them to the city, but he had his own busy life to deal with. Whether they were hiking in Griffith Park or trying a new Argentine restaurant or just lying on the couch watching TV together, Blaine was so grateful to have Quinn by his side. He couldn’t imagine how lonely he’d be without her. She was beautiful and smart, talented and supportive. She had her own moods and flaws, but Blaine was pretty sure he’d somehow lucked into having the perfect girlfriend. 

.

“I had a meeting with my dad today,” Blaine told Quinn when he got home from work one early December evening. 

“Oh yeah?” Quinn asked. She had her hair up in a ponytail, her eye makeup slightly smudged as she read something on her iPad.

Blaine slipped off his suit jacket. He was unused to the mild weather in Southern California - back in Ohio or New Haven, he’d be knocking slush off his boots whenever he came inside by this time of year.

“Yeah. It was…kind of a big deal.”

She set down the tablet and looked up, her eyebrow raised in curiosity.

“He wants me to go to Ljubljana for the opening of the European branch.”

The new office opening had been a years-long process, now only two months away. Mr. Anderson had approached his son with even more stateliness than usual. “I was planning on being in Ljubljana for the first several months of operations,” he’d said, “but with the Sheffield case complications and filling the empty board position, it’s clear to me that I need to stay at headquarters for now. I want you to go in my stead.”

Blaine felt conflicted over the whole thing. On the one hand, it seemed like a good move for his career, and he felt proud that his father trusted him enough to task him with this. However, he was somewhat intimidated by the idea of moving to a foreign country all alone for an extended period. He also knew that the offer was purely ceremonial - it had more to do with his last name than with his professional accomplishments. He was standing in for his father as a figurehead of the company, not actually doing any meaningful work.

Still, he wanted to go. As soon as his father spoke the words, Blaine felt excitement bloom in his chest. He wanted something new, something different - he was overwhelmed with the unexpected desire to escape his current circumstances.

Quinn was surprised, before her mouth twisted into a dissatisfied frown. “You’re going to leave LA?”

“It’s temporary,” Blaine reassured her.

She crossed her arms. “It’s still a long time.”

“I’m gonna miss you so much,” he said, stepping forward to rest his hands on her waist. “But we can do long-distance. You could come visit - take a vacation in Europe. And you have your coworkers, and the Women’s Political Collective, and the friends you made in spin class - you’ve started building a whole life here. You’re gonna be fine without me for a few months. You won’t even notice I’m gone.”

“Wrong,” she insisted, but there wasn’t much bitterness behind it. “But why Lu- Lub- Yule-”

“Ljubljana,” Blaine supplied.

“Where is that again?”

Blaine swiped his thumbs against the fabric of her shirt. “It’s the capital of Slovenia.” He gave her more detail about the expansion, the reasoning for the company’s new location. He explained every justification for the business’s plan, and why he should be there when it began.

When he finished speaking, Quinn let out a resigned sigh. She reached up to brush back a strand of his hair. “Well, if your father insists, I guess you shouldn’t turn it down.”

Blaine leaned in to kiss her, and tried not to smile too widely. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Despite his efforts to minimize it to Quinn, Blaine hoped that this trip would be the catalyst for something - for his successful career, but maybe also for himself, for his life.

.

Quinn seemed dressed up on the day Blaine was flying out of the country, wearing a dress and bright red lipstick, instead of the business casual outfits that were typical for her nowadays. It reminded Blaine of when they were younger, how he’d thought she looked like a movie star when they first met. They were living in Los Angeles now, but so far from her old acting aspirations. As they drove to LAX, Blaine contemplated how unexpectedly things had turned out for them both. He wondered what his eighteen-year-old self would have thought of him now.

Quinn accompanied him into the airport and all the way to the edge of security, where she would no longer be allowed without a ticket.

“Do you have your sleep mask?” she asked, leaning in to straighten the strap of his carry-on.

“Yes,” he said, trying to meet her eyes.

“And you called the bank?”

“Yes, and I have the company card.”

She finally made eye contact with him. “Then I guess this is goodbye.”

“This is see you later,” he insisted.

“Okay,” she said softly, leaning in to kiss him. Blaine felt like he was on a precipice, in the midst of a turning page. “See you later.” Before he could respond, she added one more thing, something so brief and yet so, so consequential: “I love you.”

Suddenly Blaine was drenched in panic as he processed those words, staring into the eyes of his loving girlfriend in the middle of a crowded airport.

Because he loved Quinn, he did - she was such an important part of his life.

But he also knew, with the absolute certainty that eluded him in so many places in his life, that he could not say those words back to her. He wasn’t in love with her, not the way she wanted him to be. And he had no idea how to get out of this terrible situation that he’d somehow put himself in.