#but posting it here anyway helps me fight the perfectionism so here we are.

[cssnder]

As promised and as per your votes on my last poll, here's an excerpt from my untitled novel.

(@words-after-midnight here it is, dear).

[larrythefloridaman]

Y'all like your deities with or without the shell?

Under the readmore is aaaaaaaaall color god observations and musings based on them, because I am studying to become the world's Premiere Chromatheologian and RGB Understander so under the cut is pretty much Oops! All Spoilers! up to the most recent episode of season 3.

Apparently Universal Color God Attributes:

Damage to their domain hurts them, but fixing the issue, or lashing out by using their powers destructively, can help them to repair the damage.

If they sustain enough damage, it can temporarily paralyze them and send them into a strengthened but 'exposed' state (chartreuse's spirit activation in the last fight of 19) and further damage after that will activate a failsafe, which is unique by domain but seemingly designed to give them the chance to balance things, but can get… very out of hand or backfire depending on circumstances. (see: cobalt’s failsafe sending mark's universe into a never-ending apocalyptic war because word of the cure for death became too widespread for the killing urge failsafe to affectively balance anything because every side could simply revive their fallen.)

Chartreuse's failsafe is something of a stopped time bubble quarantine where processes that require the passing of time cannot complete, allowing her the time to wear down the offending party to beat them to death or plan around finishing them.

Cobalt's is inciting war, the casualties serving to balance the scale. I'm not sure we know Crimson's yet- he's never taken enough direct damage without doing damage to compensate in order to trigger it, although i dont remember season one well enough to recall if any of the universe stuff in it tracks with the pattern bc season one is a bit fucky

Connected in a fashion that allows them to simply Sense the overall status of the others to some extent, although they don't know Why theyre in the state theyre in without asking (chartreuse [and by extension, folk, presumably on her information] confronting crimson via crimsonaut for pretending to be dead, Cobalt confronting both his siblings about how they are handling their duties improperly but not knowing about Folk. He knew about the constants deaths because hes a death god, duh, but he didnt use their names like crimson did, possibly implying they're erased upon death so thoroughly that only crimson and the constants can really recall a shattered constants' existence, not even the other guardians.)

Abilities of the guardians can be replicated by mortals through three apparent methods- through machines (dimensional bus, the time machine, presumably J0hn's part in Sephiroth's resurrection,) simply through advanced enough individual skill (Home MD curing death, potentially Dantoinette's universe portal travel, maybe Genwun's sped up time bubble that evolved them into Genfour? although that could very well have just been an illusion and theyre just like, a fuckin theater kid that was doing pretend character development for the Bit or something given GenFive turned out to be a zoroark) or through stealing some of the power of the relevant god (Dr. Order stealing Chartreuse's power, Dani maybe having stolen some of Crimson's when she beat his ass. Dani's one woman universal travel is like, wicked ambiguous)

Cobalt:

Can seemingly perceive or act through any living material. (The Tree. Cobalt instructed Larry to slap his hand on that tree, that shit glowed and he had a new deal tattoo without Cobalt ever having been physically present)

Can influence the resurrected by giving them a killing urge. Represented by an aberrant brainwave and a ringing in the undead's heads. This doesnt appear to be direct control- as the Grunk could clearly restrain himself from killing people that genuinely didn't deserve it (like nightly and cha cha, who WERE grunk event targets but not fatally so. Nagito was a crimson thing so it really doesn't count here. God poor grunk his life really is just a constant plaything in the hands of the gods huh) and Sephiroth very much had personal motivation to want to kill Folk. failsafe activates this ability on the scale of war.

Deals. The extent of what Cobalt can do with these is unclear but Iggy's god powers were taken from him as his part in the deal so what he can take isn't limited to physical things or things obviously related to his domain.

Weaknesses:

Deals. While this ability is impressive his preference for making deals for those that offend against his domain is potentially very exploitable- Larry's knowledge of the cure for death is, if word of it were to ever get out beyond Larry, wildly dangerous for this dimension, so technically the safest thing for the iron-fisted cobalt to do would be to nip the problem in the bud and get rid of him. But, fascinatingly, that wasn't even put on the table, the first thing Cobalt does is threaten J0hn, prompting Larry to make a deal. While Cobalt enforces death, he also doesn't like unnecessary death, and Larry demonstrably knows how to keep a secret for the good of the world even at great cost to himself and Cobalt is aware of this- easily clarifying to Larry the aberrant thing endangering the universe wasn't his timeloop business. So while he's clearly not letting his resurrection fuckery go unpunished, he's being pretty merciful when he doesn't have to be and from a strictly, brutally pragmatic perspective probably shouldn't be.

His control over the undead manifests as a ringing and an aberrant brainwave trackable by J0hn's equipment, and could probably therefore be accounted for and circumvented? J0hn has, wisely, largely sworn off fucking with people's brains after the sephiroth fiasco went So Wrong, So Very Wrong, Oh God Oh Fuck Someone Cool Almost Died, but if he hadn't, and if J0hn let his dislike for authority and keeping Larry safe outweigh reason like he let safety, spite and comedic value outweigh good ethical sense when reprogramming sephiroth, in theory Mr. 'hacked a time machine for breakfast?' could. y'know. probably do it. what is a god's authority to an anarchist, what better to challenge life and death than the cold and eternal machine, you get the point its a fun scenario

Olive Garden Breadsticks and Small Cute Dogs, apparently

Chartreuse's:

Time Clones: taps into parallel timelines to retrieve alternate versions of herself to utilize.

Time Travel: what it says on the tin. Travel to the past creates painful splits in the prime timeline, but through careful action and traveling back into the past, these can be weaved into a time loop. A split from the timeline is a wound, and a successful timeloop is the surgical scar it can become with attentive care, to use a medical metaphor. Carefully closed and healing. Keeping Folk here is essentially akin to chartreuse pulling out her stitches on the initial incision.

Time Stopping: creates a space wherein things that take time to complete cannot complete, where things can move, but everything within is in a perfect unchanging stasis until the bubble drops. This is the form her failsafe takes.

Timeline Creation: can create timelines from scratch.

Can fuse alternate timeline versions of the same individual to allow them to coexist. (Ryan's confirmed in the discord that Dantoinette experienced both failures in 20, because Chartreuse fused the two instances of her to save the post-raid instance from fading. Could... theoretically do this to Folk and save herself the pain, but while Folk and Therapuppy are the same person, there's seven years and untold amounts of difference deriving from the time and circumstance between them and the inherent cognitive dissonances that would result from attempting that would be wicked fucked up to inflict, and that's assuming there isn't some reason that it wouldn't be possible anyway. while the two Danis had like. A day or so's difference between them, so she could be safely fused with the only dissonant thing being that she remembers both being too slow to prevent order's time escape and beginning to dissipate post-raid, AND losing that fight to her pre-raid. RIP Dani, that perfectionism must be kicking her ass)

Weaknesses:

Unwilling to use her powers destructively in her pursuit of domain repair and thereby much easier to damage to the point of paralyzing her, making her particularly vulnerable to Power Theft

Morally Optimistic. At one point in 19, she briefly justifies Crimson's shitty evil actions to herself after experiencing for herself how Wack the kerfuffleverse is firsthand, ("and all he did was kill a couple people!" Chartreuse. Honey.) and when she fights Crimsonaut she seems to actually believe for a second that he's actually worried about her when Crimson asks if she's okay after he beats her. Additionally, as D+, she concerns herself with trying to understand doctor order's motive, and after Larry defeats Order, he makes a point of confirming she feels no remorse before making his request for what Chartreuse does with her, and appeals to the idea of letting Order fulfill her desire to be a god in a way which isn't a problem for anyone and Chartreuse is more than happy to oblige under these conditions after what Larry's done for everybody. Then immediately threatens to evaporate him for playfully teasing her about having a crush on folk. Fucked up a little bit

Crimson's:

Universe Shifting: Travel between universes.

Universe Correction: appears to replace an aberrant individual with the 'correct' version of themselves for that universe, presumably sending them back to their own. (Mario from super mario was universe corrected, but still seemingly exists in wario form as evidenced by smashup kerfuffle, and was simply temporarily replaced with his corrected universe counterpart. But like. The dimensional bus system is still active crimbo doing the Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me routine aint gonna work if they can come back with a shrug and bus fare. you're fighting the symptoms without treating the problem)

Universal Constants:

Three individuals per universe that serve as the pillars which stabilize said universe, created by absorbing red orbs Crimson creates. Becoming a constant grants power, but also makes the constant fragile, and death wipes them from the face of the multiverse, only crimson, those he's possessed and the other constants seemingly able to recall they ever existed, although some physical evidence is still left behind (Larry's record of Nagito's death, which is just as redacted as everything else relating to him but still is very much something Larry has. Kind of a Voidfish adventurezone type beat ironically enough? Taako really has seen all this shit before no wonder he peaced tf out)

To counterbalance the weaknesses the constants have, they have a sort of spidey-sense to alert them to danger, and an intrinsic bonded connection to their fellow constants, and additionally, Crimson apparently doesn't suffer any pain from the death of constants or the structural instability of a universe.

Possession: what it says on the tin! Seemingly can only be done with permission to living things- none of crimson's direct hosts seem to have entered that agreement unwillingly, Valentine lost a bet, Hamburger and Crimsonaut have been by all evidence intentional allies to Crimson- but electronics are fair game, as seen with The Guy's suit. Kinda curious how that rule applies to bitches that are half and half, like J0hn or the clonebot gang, as its unclear whether The Guy's suit was yoinkable without permission because it was mechanical or because its not sentient. could go either way but if it's the former that's potentially very frightening

Fusion: Two individuals from alternate universes can be fused into one shared body which can take on aspects of either depending on which is currently in control. (possibly allows someone who traveled into a given universe to become a fixed resident there without it being an issue for Crimson, whose job is to prevent interdimensional travel?) Monday Mark and possibly T.O.M. are our main examples.

Corruption:

Unpleasant As Hell and can even kill you instead of changing you if you cant handle it.

turns the corrupted individual into a twisted exaggeration of themself, allows them supernatural control over their shape, and makes them very difficult- if not impossible by traditional means- to kill, based on Garfield.

Subjects them to control by Crimson, but can be exorcised of this influence just like crimson's direct hosts can, although the supernatural changes to their physiology are seemingly permanent, judging from Shantae.

Notable Weaknesses:

Exorcism can be performed to free a possessed or corrupted individual of Crimson's influence. Its unclear how exorcism works/is learned in CPUK, but confirmed exorcists: dantoinette and yung papaya's snake dad, confirmed non-exorcists: folk

The universal constant orbs are physical objects so they are Very Stealable and they grant a power boost so theres literally an Incentive to beat his ass for anybody who wants to be strong and either doesnt know or doesn't care about the whole 'getting erased when you die' part

Crimson has lots of tools to create pawns, but all of them have drawbacks. Corruption could kill a potential pawn, possession generally seems to require permission, and he has no control over the constants' choices and actions

Manipulative bitch's highest stat is charisma and it shows. This motherfucker is selling snake oil. If he was mortal rather than a Whole Entire God he'd make an excellent ineffectual saturday morning cartoon supervillain and i think everyone, including him, would be happier for it, ngl

Something interesting ive realized that likely wasnt fully intentional, is that a lot of Dr. Order's creations, considering her motive, can kind of be sorted by a color god it appears to be a crude attempt at mimicking the abilities of. My Grunk is a poorly executed resurrection, the clonebot gang vs chartreuse's timeclones (this one deserves special mention because Chartreuse used this shitty attempted mimicry to her advantage with D+, very smart and ironic play, excellent job Treusy,) spirits are somewhat similar to universal constant orbs (orbs which can be absorbed to grant power, but which have physical repercussions- key differences being that spirits require activation and grow stronger while attuning to a user without being used, and having far less severe drawbacks, taking a heavy toll on the body, but only once they've worn off and without the risk of wiping yourself from the face of existence,) and she also augmented Perfect Spriteman and Larry, which kind of track as crude imitations of Crimson's corruption!

Garfield was an acerbic cat who loved food and hated mondays, now its an actively malicious ever-hungry amorphous entity whose only weakness is monday and whose only consistency in form is 'cat-like.'

Shantae was (to my extremely limited understanding of shantae,) a friendly heroic type who had to introduce herself often, and she became something akin to a biblically accurate angel that can *only* introduce herself.

The Grunks a tough but sweet and supportive single dad with stage presence and a tendency to fly off the handle when he or his family are slighted, and now he gets so hype in the audience when his son does well that he bursts into flames and ascends and we get random grunk events along with the associated murder charges when he gets mad and the target sucks enough that he doesn't hold himself back from killing them.

Perfect Spriteman and Larry fit the trend of exaggeration of already present traits- Spriteman fucking loves sprite and became something that only thinks about sprite, and Larry the Florida Man, characterized from minute one by unpredictability and who spent his first matches in the series pre-shapeshifter transformation staying alive keeping stocks for Shockingly Long even despite getting seventh, became literally physically random as well as developing the ability to regenerate, albeit with the ability to feel pain normally very much intact, unlike Garfield just... Soaking up damage like its nothing in his pursuit of Jon. The fact that Arbuckle legit defeated Garfield, even temporarily, is terrifyingly impressive honestly that dude is fucking built different for being so chronically bland

i dont think they're actually corrupted in any meaningful way we have to worry about, to be fully clear, Spriteman was cured with fucking antacids, i simply think they could be a fucked up attempt at making something that kind of seems like it from a functional standpoint, from the wannabe god doctor that brought us green clones whose only fundamental association with time was accelerated aging and who thought an actively rotting corpse thats just reanimated enough that it can throw hands was as good as curing death

[polar-stars]

Nene Kinokuni & the main theme of “Shokugeki no Soma”

You thought I was done talking about Nene? HA

Okay but I’ve been looking at a specific manga panel again & eventually a train of thought started to roam my head.

What we see here are the reactions of four of the Elites that voted Central into power after having witnessed Rindou’s and Eishi’s loss, therefore Central’s loss as a whole. 

Can we talk about the fact how Nene actually looks the most...hurt about that maybe? 

I mean, Somei honestly looks kind off glad about it, which does make sense since he seemed to visibly regret his decision after his match against Soma. Somei is that guy that acted with good interest in mind, and a sense of justice, but was lured into an extreme solution. Which is something I can’t really say about any of the other Traitor Elites (I mean, being real we have barely gotten much detailing to their individual reasoning for helping out Azami but that’s another problem for another day.)

Momo looks completely unaffected by what just happened, while Eizan looks...kind off bummed ig? 

Out of these four, Nene really does looks the most like what I would call “sad”. She looks truly crushed by this revelation. 

A little mind game for you: Imagine having devoted your entire life to something, imagine already being insecure about people surpassing you in an area you studied so hard for, imagine being beat at the thing that’s most important to you while the person who was always ahead of you succeeds right next to you.

My girl really went through quite some suffering if you really start thinking about it. 

Top student of her class, who always aimed for perfection. And then the RDC comes along and she suffered through what might have been her first major failure in front of over one hundred eyes. 

Now this is the part where I try my best to sound smart and talk about themes. 

I’d say that the closest to a major theme the series of “Shokugeki no Soma” has would be the thematic of failure. 

Our main hero Soma Yukihira talks of “failure” as a sort of inspiration. He recognizes mistakes he made, learns out of them and improves through them. That’s his philosophy & strongly opposes that of our main heroine, Erina Nakiri who starts out as a through & through perfectionist who was never allowed to make the tiniest of mistakes. 

The theme of “failure” constantly reappears in the story, in both the strong parts & weaker parts of it. 

Soma’s dish in the Autumn Election Premlins is basically a fusion of two dishes that “failed” him before (his omelette from the Trainings Camp that had him in danger of getting expelled & the risotto he made in his cook-off against his father, which he lost), the major antagonist of several arcs named Central is all about perfectionism with the 1st seat Eishi Tsukasa being a notorious perfectionist as well, in his final fight against Asahi Soma makes a dish inspired by his mother who was known for being a bad cook, but who had fun being one...

I think what “Shokugeki no Soma” wants to teach us is that it’s natural for us to stumble at times, but that it’s nothing we should beat ourselves up over. No one can walk a straight, perfect line in their life and it’s okay. Mistakes can teach us and we can get up again as well...!

I can’t really say that it was always done very well, but still this message resonates with me on a very personal level. I really like it. 

And now let me spiral back to Nene.

Nene is another character that strived for perfection and is characterized as someone who works incredibly hard to master whatever she picked to study. She also sided with Central, which is also all about perfectionism as I said. 

Remember when I said that there’s still work you could have done with Nene after the RDC arc was over?

Yeah, honestly with that failure Nene ended up suffering I really think there could have been a loot of character work done with her. 

Like how about just showing her cope with what happened? Show her, trying to understand why the philosophy of the rebels beat theirs? Something like that?

I just genuinely believe that Nene is a sort-off person who’d struggle dealing with failing in the way that she did and that it would have an actual impact on her. And her working through that would fall perfectly in line with the main theme the manga has going on.

Post-RDC could have been a perfect chance for her to also understand the people surrounding her a little better as well, I think? Like take Eizan for example! No, this is not for shippy reasons. I promise...hear me out, okay? She belittled him for his loss against Soma & also considered herself superior to him because she has an actual moral-code. But eventually she ends up in the same boat with him: she also looses against Soma, Central (something which they both supported after all) looses as a whole and while their senpais get to run off little later through graduation, they have to stay at Totsuki, dethroned. What a perfect chance to getting to know and understand each other in a way that wasn’t there before, finding a way to get those seats back and maybe giving Eizan an actual redemption arc instead of just inserting him back into the council over night with no real indication wether he’s still a bitch or has become more tame, which surely isn’t something Tsukuda would do, right? Heh. (Okay maybe...this....did get a little bit shippy, pardon ahdhd)

ANYWAY

The point I’m really just trying to make here, through many, many words is that while Soma’s Shokugeki against Nene heavily scratched her character and I’m still very bitter and unhappy over it, I do not think there was any need to shaft her as much as the manga did when the RDC got concluded. 

There was a good chance for actual character work and character development here, that could have also played into the series’ centric theme. 

& She frankly could have come back as more stronger and badass than ever. 

But yeah, instead she was ignored in the manga while the anime adaptation...tried but I feel she was reduced to much of a satellite character in that one, personally. And I just think they could have done better and more, meep. 

In the end all I can do is......write a Nene-centric multi chapter fanfic of course and take 6 years to finish it because I’m very slow and- 

Okay but I think one thing that I want to achieve with these posts is just to get the community think about her a little more, because...ultimately I feel she’s being a little bit overlooked by the fandom as well, and maybe I can inspire some people to work with her in a way that Tsukuda wasn’t able to...Idk, I just want justice for Nene ig. 

Now anyway, you finally made it to the end of this post...Congratulation! Here’s a cookie! 

Hopefully what I said made any sense and any of you could get a little something out of it! Thanks for reading ;v; !

[alluringoneirataxia]

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[grigori77]

The Works of Ridley Scott - My Top Ten

So I decided I’d drop another series of big post lumps of spam on you guys by rocking my favourite directors’ works by rating my personal favourites of each, and I figured what better place to start than my absolute number one, so here we go - these are my very favourite films of my absolute cinematic IDOL, the master of British auteur filmmakers.  Enjoy ...

10.  EXODUS: GODS & KINGS

It takes a really ballsy filmmaker to try and make a big budget live action Ten Commandments movie after Cecil B. DeMille’s monstrous Technicolour epic, but guts is something Scott’s never been lacking in, and the result is one of his most striking offerings of recent years, a meaty revisionist take on the Book of Exodus that jettisons most of the mysticism to concentrate on the gritty human struggle at its heart.  It’s the story of two warring brothers and the lengths each is willing to go to in order to achieve their opposing ends, and while Scott typically delivers BIG TIME on the spectacle and immersive world-building, where he really shines is as an actor’s director, here rightly focusing on the deeply complex relationship between Christian Bale’s Moses and Joel Edgerton’s Pharaoh Ramesses II.  The end result is a lesser known but no less worthy swords-and-sandals epic than his signature entry to the genre.

9.  PROMETHEUS

Like many fans of the Xenomorph saga he helped create, I was excited but also understandably wary of his return to the franchise with a proposed “prequel”, and to be honest as an Alien movie this actually is a bit of a mess, trying a little too hard to apply that connective tissue and ultimately failing more than it succeeds (indeed, as a franchise entry, direct sequel Alien: Covenant is a far more successful effort). Personally, I’ve always preferred to simply consider it as a film in its own right, and as a standalone sci-fi horror thriller this is a CRACKING film, insidious, atmospheric, moody and magnificent in equal measure, Scott weaving a sense of dangerous mystery and palpable dread throughout that grips from enigmatic start to devastating finish.  Noomi Rapace is an excellent Ripley-substitute, but the true breakaway star of the film is Michael Fassbender as twisted android sociopath David, just as chilling as the horrors he unleashes on his unsuspecting crewmates.

8.  THELMA & LOUISE

To be brutally honest, Ridley’s output in the 1990s was largely unimpressive (White Squall left me cold, while 1492: Conquest of Paradise was technically brilliant but discouragingly slow and disjointed, and I think we can all agree cinema would be better off if GI Jane had never happened), but at least he got the decade off to a strong start with this beautiful, lyrical, heartfelt and undeniably powerful tale of unerring friendship triumphing against fearful odds.  It may have been directed by a man, but it was written by a woman (Callie Khouri, creator of TV’s Nashville, who rightly won a Best Original Screenplay Oscar for her astounding work) and is unapologetically told from a woman’s point of view, which is finally becoming an accepted thing in blockbuster filmmaking, but back then it was still a new concept, and you have to applaud Scott for being one of its pioneers.  It may be most well known these days for giving Brad Pitt his big break, but the film’s focus is VERY MUCH on Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon as the titular friends, forced to go on the run after an innocent night out goes horribly wrong.  After becoming one of THE hot ticket date movies of the 90s, it’s still fondly remembered for its heartfelt message, gentle humour and powerful climax.

7.  BLACK RAIN

Probably the closest Ridley ever came to capturing his brother Tony Scott’s more popcorn-friendly brand of super-slick, glossy blockbuster fare was this Japan-set fish-out-of-water cop flick, but he couldn’t help adding a real weight and substance to the final product, and the result is one of my very favourite thrillers of the 80s.  Michael Douglas was riding high after his Academy Award win for Wall Street, but his performance as hot-headed maverick NYPD detective Nick Conklin has always been my personal favourite, and he shares strong chemistry with a young Andy Garcia as his wise-cracking partner Charlie Vincent, but the film’s understated secret weapon is heavyweight Japanese character actor Ken Takakura as Masahiro, the stoic, by-the-book Osaka police inspector they’re forced to team up with in order to capture rogue Yakuza underboss Sato (a deliciously feral turn from the Yūsaku Matsuda in his very last screen role before his death just months after the film’s release) and bust an international counterfeiting ring.  This is definitely Scott’s glossiest film, but there’s hidden depth behind the neon-drenched visuals, the expertly staged set-pieces perfectly countered by a robust story, precision-crafted character work and bucket-loads of emotional heft (especially surrounding the film’s high point, one of the most devastating character deaths in cinematic history).  It may not be held in the high regard of many of his more “sophisticated” films, but in my opinion it’s just as worthy of recognition, and I’ll defend it to the death. 

6.  THE MARTIAN

Scott’s last truly GREAT film (to date, anyway) is also one of his most effortlessly likeable, a breathless, breezy and thoroughly FUN adaptation of the bestselling debut novel of space-exploration geek Andy Weir.  Matt Damon must have been born to play Mark Watney, an astronaut in the third manned mission to Mars who is accidentally left for dead on the surface when the crew are forced to evacuate by a catastrophic dust storm; alone and with no means of escape, Watney must use all his scientific smarts to survive long enough for NASA’s desperate rescue mission to reach him.  He’s a thoroughly endearing everyman hero we can’t help rooting for, self-deprecating and oozing sass all day long, and in his company the film’s two-and-a-half hours simply RACE by, while one of Scott’s strongest ever supporting casts (which includes Jessica Chastain, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Sean Bean and a glorious scene-stealing cameo from Donald Glover) once again proves that he really is one of the very best actor’s directors around. Thoroughly ingenious, visually stunning and frequently laugh-out-loud hilarious, this is definitely Scott’s most endearing film to date, about as perfect a popcorn flick as you’re gonna find outside the MCU …

5.  KINGDOM OF HEAVEN (Director’s Cut)

Certainly the most maligned film in his oeuvre, this has perhaps the most troubled production history of ALL his works, famously mauled in post as 20th Century Fox rushed to get the still unfinished feature ready enough for its summer 2005 release, the clunky theatrical cut understandably met with mixed reviews and somewhat underperforming at the box office.  Thank the gods, then, for Scott’s unerring perfectionism – he couldn’t rest with that lacklustre legacy, so he knuckled down and produced what is, in my opinion, the very best of all his director’s cuts, reinstating an unprecedented FIFTY MINUTES of missing material which doesn’t just flesh out character arcs but frequently creates an entirely new, far richer and MUCH more rewarding overall narrative, and the final feature was met with thoroughly well-deserved critical acclaim. Not only is this one of my favourite Ridley Scott films, it’s one of my very favourite historical epics PERIOD, a magnificently rich, sprawling saga of blood, sex, honour and courtly intrigue as we follow blacksmith-turned-knight Balian (Orlando Bloom in one of his very best roles) on his quest for redemption in the Holy Land at the height of the Third Crusade.  This is still one of the director’s most expensive films, and EVERY PENNY is right there on the screen, each scene designed to perfection and dripping in astounding period detail, while the sweeping cinematography is some of the very best in his entire catalogue, and the battle sequences so expansively vast they even put Gladiator’s opening to shame.  So, far from being his greatest folly, this was ultimately one of Scott’s greatest triumphs, and I can’t recommend it enough.

4.  BLACK HAWK DOWN

In my opinion, this is the absolute PEAK of Scott’s cinematic achievements to date as an action director – almost two-and-a-half hours of relentless blood, bullets, smoke and terror that’s as exhilarating as it is exhausting, as emotionally uplifting as it is harrowing, quite simply the DEFINITIVE portrayal of the bonds of brotherhood forged by men under fire.  The film tells the story of the Battle of Mogadishu in 1993, 24 blood-soaked hours in which US military forces were trapped behind enemy lines and besieged on all sides by hostile Somali forces after a botched raid saw two Black Hawk helicopters shot down, precipitating a snowballing military catastrophe and a bitter fight for survival.  Certainly the film takes many liberties with the historical accuracy (then again that’s pretty much Hollywood’s standard approach regarding true story war movies), but there’s no denying it perfectly captures the desperate chaos the soldiers must have faced on the day, throwing the viewer headfirst into a dusty, noisy hell and refusing to let him out again.  The action sequences are some of the finest I have EVER seen committed to film, but the film has just as much heart as guts, tugging our heartstrings and jerking plenty of tears because we really come to care about these boys and what happens to them.  Intense, rousing, explosive, provocative – definitely the action highlight of Scott’s oeuvre.

3.  ALIEN

It may have some decidedly humble beginnings, but the opening chapter in the other jewel in 20th Century Fox’s sci-fi franchise crown is now considered to be THE greatest science fiction horror film of all time, and rightly so – it’s a textbook example of a flawlessly-executed high-concept “haunted house in space” flick, a master-class in slow-building atmospherics, sustained tension and some truly hair-raising shocks that are as fresh and effective today as they were back in 1979.  Not bad for something that started out as a pulpy B-picture script from Dan O’Bannon (co-writer and star of John Carpenter’s cult feature debut and one-time student film Dark Star).  The cast is stellar (ahem), dominated OF COURSE by then pretty much unknown young upstart Sigourney Weaver in what REMAINS the greatest role of her decidedly impressive career, but the true star of the film is the creature itself, the late H.R. Giger’s twisted, primal design teased with consummate skill to maximise the stealthy effectiveness of what has become the definitive extraterrestrial nightmare fuel of sci-fi cinema.  Ultimately I’m more of an Aliens fan myself, but I don’t deny that this is a MASTERPIECE of the genre, and I f£$%ing LOVE IT.

2.  GLADIATOR

It may have been usurped by Kingdom of Heaven as Scott’s most ambitious film, but his first dabble in swords-and-sandals cinema remains the best of his historical epics, and at the time proved to be a MASSIVE shot in the arm for what had long become a flagging, largely forgotten genre, spawning a veritable LEGION of bandwagon-jumping followers.  Needless to say, NOBODY does this better than Scott, who brought the opulent excess of ancient Rome and its vast empire to vivid life in all its bloodthirsty, duplicitous detail, from the back-stabbing intrigues of the Senate to the life-and-death drama of the Coliseum. The script is rich and heady stuff (penned as it is by former playwright John Logan), exquisitely performed by a premium-cut cast (particularly impressive was the late Oliver Reed in his very last screen role) and bolstered by some of the most impressive battle scenes ever committed to film, but the true driving force of the film is the ferocious antagonism between the hero and villain, Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix both making the transition from rising-stars to genuine A-listers with major box office clout thanks to their truly electrifying performances.  After his relative creative slump in the 90s, Scott’s first offering of the new Millennium proved the start of a major renaissance in his work, and thankfully it’s shown no sign of flagging since …

1.  BLADE RUNNER

Not only is this my favourite film by my favourite director, but also what, if I was REALLY PRESSED, I would have to call my very favourite movie EVER.  I’m gonna be waxing most lyrical about this in great detail when I drop my big-screen sci-fi Top Ten on here, so I don’t want to talk about it TOO MUCH here … suffice to say this has been a dominant fixture in my favourites since my early adolescence, when I first stumbled across it on TV one Saturday night, and even though it was the theatrical cut with its clunky voice-over and that ridiculous tacked-on happy ending, I was instantly captured by its searing visionary brilliance and dark, brutally nihilistic power, so when Scott finally released his first Director’s Cut I was already DEEPLY in love with this film.  Sure, being a Star Wars fan, Harrison Ford will ALWAYS be Han Solo for me (along with Indiana Jones, of course), but my personal favourite role of his career is Rick Deckard, the sleazy, downtrodden and world-weary android-hunting gumshoe stumbling through his most deadly case in the mean streets of rain-lashed cyberpunk megalopolis Los Angeles circa 2019, while Rutger Hauer effortlessly steals the film as his mercurial nemesis, live-fast-die-young Nexus 6 Roy Batty.  This is still THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FILM I HAVE EVER SEEN, the visual effects work still standing up perfectly today, the exquisite design work and peerless atmospheric cinematography rightly going on to inform and influence an entire genre of science-fiction both on the big screen and off, and I cannot recommend it enough to anyone who hasn’t already seen it.  Deliciously dark, fiendishly intelligent and heart-rending in its stubborn refusal to deliver easy answers or present us with a cathartic HAPPY ending (no matter what the theatrical cut might want you to think), this really is as good as cinema gets.

There you have it, my top movies from the man I personally consider to be the greatest filmmaker around tody, and here’s hoping we’re gonna see a lot more from him yet ... Sir Ridley Scott, knight of the f£$%ing realm ...

[readerinsertfanfiction]

An ask I got through my DM’s! I’m not too great at using Tumblr’s DM system and formatting messages doesn’t seem to work, so instead I will just answer through a post. That way I can address everything in there.

TL;DR: You can never bother me. I cut my chapters up on the gut, but there are legit tips out there. Dialogue is like any RL conversation, you don’t catch all parts, you don’t get to say all you want, you don’t want to respond to everything either.

Key with me is brevity, but that is also my style. Just, be yourself and enjoy what you do. I’m (finally) enjoying what I write and just being myself. It just took me twelve years. The rest will follow. The rest will come.

If you wish to read my complete in-depth response, click below. Warning: it is long and I’m rambling at certain points, but it is my honest response. 

Also, must read for everyone: DjDangerLove’s take on ‘good writing’. Because, honestly, #truth. 

I wish to start off with: 

never feel like a bother to reach out! I honestly do love to chat (the amount of times I have been pinned on discord now for another one liner is getting embarrassing 😂). This is also going to be long and rambly, because there is so much I wish to address.

For the compliments, thank you! I’m not a star in taking them, but they make me happy, inside, just imagine me brimming (I can’t believe I enjoy writing Madara either, so you and me both.😅)

To answer your questions: 

I separate my chapters purely based on intuition. I write, see where I end up at, try to read it through once and then decide that this is a good point to cut off and this is probably better for the next chapter. Vague, I know, usually I pick a good cliffhanger like it is some damn soap-opera. 🤪

I did read some really good advice on deciding where to end chapters, and good triggers are: when a new day is starting, or a new (major) event (like a war/fight), or you’re switching pov’s, or you are switching locations, etc... All legit reasons why you would want to end and start a chapter because that reads smoother for the audience and also keeps the flow of your story. There is no real length that a chapter should be anyway (though some will argue there is, but Maggie Stiefvater dedicated a one page chapter about someone’s wet dream and I like and respect her).

Dialogue is trickier. 

Sometimes I write starting out with dialogue alone, sometimes I write and rewrite it a dozen times. The Unfaithful series started all around the line: “if a farce is what you want, I will set the stage with you.” (Part 3)

What I learnt from over the years is that dialogue is just a conversation you have with any other person. How does that one go? How does it flow? A mistake I see a lot of people often make is that they feel like they need to address EVERY single component of a dialogue, but that is simply not feasible.

People communicate in different styles. Some only talk about themselves, and you’ll notice how every conversation will revolve around themselves and they never ask about you. Some don’t and they will converse in a different way to avoid giving you a piece of themselves, but have you lay out all of your cards. Sometimes communication goes by so fast that you forget to address something mentioned of which you only think of much later, or which the other wished you had asked about, but it simply slipped your attention.

Point is: even in real conversation you don’t get to say all you want. I read back on asks sometimes and notice I forgot to address parts because I was in a hurry, or I simply forgot in my excitement. However, I already answered and to go back and address it anyway would be awkward for everyone. That is how dialogue works.

As for my brevity. 

That would just be my style and personality. Just like that you have your style and personality. Some like to fill up the spaces, some find it not so necessary. Anyone that has spoken to me will agree that I’m a very straightforward person with too many answers for everything.

I like brevity, my favourite writers are authors who convey so much in so few (simple) words. I admire that talent to have one word carry several meanings, which is why I love poetry, but especially asian poetry, for one character can be interpreted in so many ways, but still paint a full picture. I love mythologies because of their simple styles but packed with a deeper message, I adore fairy tales for the way they can entice a child, but make an adult deliberate about concepts so profound.

— It is also why I love ATLA so, so much, Big Fish & Begonia and so much about Studio Ghibli’s movies. However, I shall stop gushing here.

I sometimes wish I could write longer, with more body and purpose. I wish I could write like Tolkien and Martins where they can drudge on and on about the world and politics and create something so gigantic they won’t be able to finish it within their lives. Alas, where I see them as rocks from which a steady stream flows, I’m more of a storm. I come in, I rage, and then my inspiration leaves. I need to catch onto my ravenous need to write and run away with it, but I’m not an endurance runner in writing it seems. I’m a sprinter and I only have now.

It certainly isn’t easy, however, or effortless. I still have to think a long time, ponder over each word I use (being multilingual helps with the vocabulary!) and plot out my stories accordingly to what I already have and already planned. I have been writing for twelve (12?!) years now, with small pauses between, through several mediums and on several projects. I promise you, I was terrible when I started and I barely spoke English as well. I got a lot of feedback, read a lot of works by others, both published and unpublished, I observed and was determined to one day be a writer I’m proud of (I still am on that path). It has been a long road in which I gave up several times, and still wonder if I’m good enough. A journey in which I have decided that I don’t need to be good, I just need to enjoy.

Which brings me to fanfiction, this place, this blog. It is mostly through fanfiction that I have found back my joy for writing. It comes out easier because, in a way, there is less pressure to do well, to be good. It is in part because of the stigma people put on fanfiction, which is why I was so anxious about being connected to fanfiction. However, it is real and it takes just as much effort and time as original pieces, just less perfectionism from my side.

In any case. Don’t be me. Don’t be another writer. Be you and enjoy what you do. The internet has 1001 tips on how to write well, and how to write well in genres, or in scenes and so on, but in the end it is an art and art knows no rules but that it needs to be appreciated and enjoyed.

Me enjoying my writing after years of hating it is huge. You appreciating my work is even more delightful! I have also been told otherwise, plenty, but we are subjective creatures with our own likes and wants and that is fine. 

I’m sure there is someone that will appreciate your work. As long as you keep on writing and sharing, the rest will follow (I haven’t read any of your works myself, yet, but since you put thought into this matter I’m sure there is someone who is touched by what you write).

[marauders70s]

which audiobooks do you prefer?? the stephen fry ones or the jim dale ones?? personally ill always love stephen frys voices and intensity better. jim dales voices just seem more cartoony to me. hp audiobooks are my fave method of consumption honestly

Hello! Thank you for your question! 

I HARD STAN JIM DALE. 

And here’s why (long, personal version): 

I really love Stephen Fry. I just listened to his Audible audiobook “Victorian Secrets;” I loved his shows touring the country; I even loved him on Bones as a guest star. He’s such a strong LGBTQ ally and supporter, and great speaker and advocate for so many important things. He makes me feel like even though he’s cynical and annoyed generally, his love of learning, interest, being snarky, and being rad and cool friends with awesome people (both here and ones gone before, like Douglas Adams), makes me wish we were personal friends. One day, I really hope to meet him, and the news of his prostate cancer makes my stomach clench with unfairness and sadness.

However, my family purchased the Harry Potter audiobooks on CD. They came in big chunky boxes and had fun little segments saying things like “This ends disc four, please insert disc five to continue the story.” My dad had a flexible work schedule and drove me and my sisters to school every single day. During our morning commutes, we used to listen to The Beatles, and Peter, Paul, and Mary. But then came Harry Potter when I was about 12. (I actually saw “Chamber of Secrets” the film before ever seeing the first film or reading any of the books because my dad wanted to see what all the hype was about and dragged me to see it in theaters! The basilisk fight scene was so scary I had to close my eyes and felt just like Harry). 

Now back in the day, CD players just held one CD at a time, and sometimes if that CD got stuck, you had to use a pen to nudge/unjam the felt lip of the CD player to let the CD get out. And the day we started Order of the Phoenix on CD it plays little intro music and Jim Dale says happily: “Chapter 1: Dudley....Demented” with a very long dramatic pause. Well the CD got stuck or skipped or sucked up a crumb or something and I swear to fucking god we listed to “Chapter 1: Dudley....Demented” about 48 times in a row in fifteen minutes while my dad is trying to unjam it and I’m in the backseat trying to lean up/climb up and he’s like “get back get back sit down” and I’m like “let me do it! You drive! Let me do it!” And then of course once I get in the front seat I can’t do anything and my two younger sisters (the youngest about six) were shrieking with laughter and have started joining in on the unending chorus of “CHAPTER 1: DUDLEY.....DEMENTED” with the same sort of zeal and insanity of “none pizza left beef.” We finally pull up in the carpool line of school and my dad can put it in park and unwiggle the CD and unjam it and reinsert it and we can finally start listening but at that point we’re all so giggly and ridiculous there’s absolutely no point in trying to start a new book.

The cool thing about getting into Harry Potter at 12 was that Order of the Phoenix was the first ever “release” of the book I had to wait for. Of course I had swallowed it up immediately after my parents had finished with our SINGLE hardback copy. And my Dad turned to me to warn me “Now...someone dies at the end of this book.” And I was so upset that he was spoiling for me, but he was like “I know you love Sirius.” (Guys I did love/was in love/am still in love/love Sirius Black the best). And I just got so angry at my dad for spoiling it, yet my voice still squeaked: “does he die?” And my dad is backing the car up in the driveway and he’s doing the thing where his hand is on the passenger seat and he’s twisting around and there was this heart stopping stomach drop where he stops looking out the back window and the car is still rolling and he looks directly at me. And to me, that’s the swooping, horrible feeling I still associate with Sirius dying. And even though when I read it and I cried, I never felt as much dread and as much sadness and as much grief as that moment when my dad looked straight at me and said nothing at all.

Jim Dale is also an incredibly talented amazing guy. I think that listening to Stephen Fry read Harry Potter is a bit like having your uncle or grandfather reading to you. Very a la Princess Bride. But when Jim Dale reads it, at least to me, when I was 12 and all my life since then, it felt like the characters were real. That his voices were real. When Hermione squeals “Oh HARRY!” but says it “har-eeeeee” in her anxiety; if Mrs. Weasley is scowling furiously and vocalizing her annoyance with huffs and gasps; how gentle Remus Lupin sounds, how raspy Sirius Black does; how very old, and very kind, and very wise Albus Dumbledore comes across. And how through his own inflections, Minerva McGonagall became more Scottish than you could have believed possible, and her voice the most instantly recognizable in the whole series. Jim Dale even commits to Peeves, and uses the inflections of David Bradley and Alan Rickman from the first film to help weave into Filch and Snape’s characters for continuity.

Jim Dale became the first person to win a Grammy for an audiobook, prompting a new category to be added in 2000 (post his nomination into a non-existent category for Sorcerer’s Stone). He created 134 distinct voices specifically for OOTP. He carefully recorded each individual one into a sound file so before he spoke that person’s lines he could re-listen to the voice he had made for them if he hadn’t spoken for them more than once or twice a book (or series - like Dedalus Diggle). His level of dedication and perfectionism is something I GREATLY admire and greatly adore. 

Although I do like hearing Harry Potter as a bedtime story read to me by a man I wish I could befriend, in my heart of hearts, I want Harry Potter to be as magical, as intangible, as silly as “Chapter 1: Dudley...Demented” for my whole life long. And maybe it’s because I have deep connections of listening to it with my dad, who has since passed on in a way that made me understand that feeling when he looked back at me in the car. The sick stomach Harry felt when Sirius was gone. Or maybe it’s because my mom listens to Jim Dale’s Harry Potter every. single. night on her old fashioned iPod before bed, carefully copied from the original CDs, skips and all, even though we own all of it on Audible. She says she’s missing several 5 minute segments throughout the series, but she fills them in from memory anyways. My mom knows more about the canon of Harry Potter than anyone I know, and can recite most of the first book by heart, because its her favorite. 

Obviously I run a Harry Potter blog because Harry Potter is important to me for many sentimental and personal reasons. And the audiobooks are part of that. Sometimes when I’m down or blue, I want Fred & George to tease me in their own voices, to tell me: “We thought we heard your dulcet tones!” “Yeah, it’s not good to bottle that up!” I still really admire and like Stephen Fry as a person, but in my heart, my books and my experience will always be narrated by the wonderful Jim Dale, a man whose voice I adore so much that I watched Pushing Daisies, and searched by narrator on Audible to fall in love all over again with Peter Pan. Harry is a personal experience for all of us, and this is mine. Thanks for listening.

tl;dr - Jim Dale. He does a really great opening line in Chapter 1 of OOTP. 

[another-tiny-ant]

Why an ant? What’s it all about?

So I heard that Tumblr is the place to come to vent your feelings, and I have been told by various counsellors, etc, that I ought to write things down to help clear my head. I got out a notebook and felt far too embarrassed to put pen to paper, and there was greater risk of someone I know finding it, which would humiliate me even more. So the internet it is- in true millennial form. I don't expect anyone to read this- I actually kind of hope they don’t. But I think I need to start talking, and typing/writing has always come more easily to me. Also this way, I can avoid burdening or upsetting the people I care about. So here goes...

I think mental health problems have always been there for me. I was bullied from the second I started socialising with other kids, and I’ve often wondered why that was. I have a learning disability, dyspraxia, which has affected my coordination, processing, speech (especially when I first started school), as well as other vital life skills, like organisation and planning. I know that, especially because I was undiagnosed, but also because kids are cruel, this marked me out as ‘stupid’ or ‘vulnerable’- an ‘easy target’- or whatever, but I don't think that can have been the only reason. Perhaps I was simply too timid, or kind, or willing to please, and so I got stamped all over (fortunately only ever verbally, though I say “only”...). It sounds pretentious talking about myself like that. But school was simply something to survive for me, not to enjoy, ever, for the whole fourteen miserable years I endured. Despite that, I have always had a love and thirst for knowledge and learning, and that was where I found my solace when things got too much for me- getting my head down in the textbooks (especially because most of my teachers were useless, or even abusive, to varying degrees), finding problems and then finding ways around them. I had to fight my own way through, and find my own coping strategies, because there was never anyone in school either with the time, empathy or will to care. I suppose that’s something to be proud of- I thrashed my own path through that jungle of dashed young hopes and dreams. Though that sounds painfully bleak.

I would be lying if I said I've never had friends, or fun, or love. I certainly have. Though I think my experiences have made it hard for me to trust people- I open up reasonably easily- though only superficially I suppose- but I find it very hard to trust. Friends have taught me to expect people to be unreliable. There are exceptions though. Can you tell, I’m forcing myself to be positive? I have people to see and talk to- I just crave some kind of connection or kinship that I haven’t really found from friends. The one person, however, with whom I do share that kinship, who ‘gets me’, and always not only exceeds, but explodes my expectations, is my boyfriend. Whenever I am down, or vulnerable, or upset, he doesn’t recoil, or ignore me, or push me down more, as I would expect any person to do- he gives me his hand and helps me up. He helps me brush down my clothes, clean myself up. He puts a smile on my face and reminds me that some people at least, are good. Not just good, but pure. Loving, open souls who spread positivity, like light that shines from their bodies and penetrates even the darkest shadows. And he does all of that, without even realising, or making any conscious effort. He is just himself. ‘Just’ implies some kind of put down- but nothing could be more perfect, or glorious. I don’t think he has any clue quite how wonderful he is. In fact, he’ll deny it out of hand. I wish he could see himself as he is reflected in my eyes- perhaps that would make his own battles so much easier to fight.

I have been struggling again recently. Just to state the obvious- anyone who read this I’m sure would see that straight away, just from my tone-of-written-voice. I would at least. But then perhaps, I’m different. I went to my uni GP surgery the other day- when I finally did get them to agree to see me- and tried to speak to one of the GPs there about what’s been going on inside my head. The trouble is, I stammer and struggle to get my words out, or really articulate what I mean, when I get worked up or confronted with those kinds of situations (hence this blog- my mind suddenly becomes less cluttered when I start to write- and less panicked). So the appointment really didn't go well. Added to that, I was very obviously quite under the weather- but the first thing I was told when I arrived was that “we can’t possibly address more than one issue in this appointment”. My mind becomes so much foggier when I’m ill, and my ability to cope becomes virtually non-existent. The only times I’ve ever punched bullies have been when I’ve also been unwell. Anyway, when I started trying to describe how i’d been feeling (and failed dismally to convey quite the aching bleakness I feel in my chest sometimes), the doctor googled a depression questionnaire, and got me to score myself on the questions. Naturally, I paled at the thought of potentially over-exaggerating, as I’m permanently paranoid of undermining the much bigger battles other people experience, so as always, I under-played everything I was feeling, and the results were pretty unrepresentative. Even so, I scored on the depression scale (though that sounds like an utterly arbitrary, bullshit scale to say the least). I suppose that was her way of telling me she was diagnosing me. Five minutes later, I was turfed out of the seat I was in, and clutching a list of phone numbers she’d handed me, as I walked out of the surgery, I felt no closer to mending myself that before I went. If anything, I felt even more cut loose and abandoned, in an institution that wouldn’t care if I lived or died. That’s not to say I’m suicidal, but I do often feel so overwhelmed that i just want to get on a plane and fly far, far away, and never come back. 

In case you hadn’t already guessed, I’ve kind of forgotten where I was trying to go with this. I suppose I’m just pressing keys and spewing words and hoping that I will suddenly feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Nothing that miraculous has happened, but I do suppose I feel somewhat better for getting things off my chest. I suppose I just find it hard to see the good around me sometimes, and I take for granted what is special around me. I can remember from pretty much when I started talking (and more importantly, people started understanding me- let me tell you, that took a while), I was always called a pessimist. I have to consciously remind myself how lucky I am. I suppose that's why I feel so ashamed to talk about what's inside my mind. But I have my health (physically at least). I have my mind (for the most part). And I have potential. Most importantly though, my family could not be more supportive of me, and openly loving, and I couldn't be luckier to have my extraordinary, sunbeam boyfriend. Christmas is coming up, and not only will i get to escape university, but I will get to go home and spend quality time with the people I love most. I’m not in the slightest bit religious, but I love how everyone makes an effort to put all the crap to one side at Christmas, and just share their love instead. Beyond that, there will be the summer. So there is hope. I just have to keep reminding myself.

I remember now what the whole point of this post was. Haha! What did I say about my planning ability? I wanted to explain my Tumblr name/blog name/whatever-the-fuck-its-called, but basically why I am referring to myself as an ant. The basic reasons- it’s anonymous, first and foremost. But its also non-identifying, non-gender/age/class/creed/etc-specific. The real reason though is that it comes from something my mum has always said to me. So I’ve always been criticised for being a ‘perfectionist’. A counsellor even sent me links to webpages to read all about perfectionism, procrastination, and self-destruction. If I were to write an honest CV, those are probably the ‘skills’ I’d boast about. So when I get worked up about not doing a “good enough” job of something, or putting too much pressure on myself, or I’ve fucked it all up, my mum gently says to me something along these lines: 

“We’re all just tiny ants, scuttling around on the log of the Earth. None of us are more important than the other, but none of us are that important either. That’s not to depress you, but to remind you that existence is short. You’re not around for long. Don’t spend your life stressing about what you’ll achieve. Just do good. Even if it’s just in small ways. Treat people right. Care about the right things. Be kind, always. Make the small changes that you can and live happily. That's what it’s all about in the end. Just do the good that you can.”

That’s not to say that she doesn’t support any ‘big’ ideas that I have. Or that she doesn't tell me “you can achieve anything you set your mind to”, because those are also things she says to me all the time. What she means is take comfort in this perspective- don’t make things matter too much. Save your energy and enjoy your life, because life is short, and you do only get one go at it. And that perspective of being a tiny speck, if even that, in the plane and timescale of existence has always frightened me, but I think I am finally maturing enough to understand what she means. Live your best life, to the best of your abilities, with the best people, and love freely and plentifully. Don’t get yourself wrapped up in what it all means, or what the point of it all is. You’re just an ant- but not “just” an ant. You are a being with a life that you are going to live as best as you can. So this is me, trying to come to terms with the point of it all, but not wrapping myself up in “the point” of it at all. 

I’m Another Tiny Ant. 

🖤🐜🖤

[the-nysh]

Hey, since you talked about your feelings on td//dk and kr//bk (which were super interesting to read btw!) do you have anything to say about opinions on k//cchako?

Hey there! :) And thank you! So let’s see…Uraraka andKacchan. I see fan content of them on my dash fromtime to time, but it rarely garners any deeper thought, so I often just scrollpast with little to no reaction. Simply put: I don’t harbor enough investmentor interest in them as a ship. Even so! Yes, I still have opinions about them, so I’ll try to go in depth here. 

From their limited amount of canon interactions together, therewere actually two noteworthy scenes of them that I really liked. 1.) During theirmatch in the Sports Festival, and 2.) the databook omake situated after Deku andKacchan’s fight vs All Might. (However, in both cases, their interactionsrevolved around Deku, so…) 

I liked their match in the Sports Festival because it wasone of the first times we get to see another side of Kacchan – an important one thatreveals some of his honor code. Fighting seriously against a girl, thateveryone else in the audience assumed was ‘weak and frail’ based onappearances, and therefore automatically judged their match barbaric andunfair…well. Aizawa (Dadzawa), and Uraraka herself, proved them wrong. Urarakaproved her grit and Kacchan treated her as a legitimate threat regardless ofgender stereotypes. (Actually, he approached their match seriously and cautiouslybecause he thought she had a planfrom Deku.) Further acknowledging herstrength with the ‘what part of her was frail?’ comment too.

It’s herewhere I thought, ‘nice, this is a guythat can be trusted, because he earnestly puts his all into the things he’sserious about and expects the same -the best-from his opponents in return.’ (If they don’t,he interprets that as them underestimating or looking down on him.) Without anyother ulterior factors swaying him, there’s a steadfast consistency and honorto that kind of focused mindset, both in how he handles himself and impartially approaches thethings that matter to him, which makes him predictably trustworthy in the long run. (Also meaning, if there’s ever anyfault/betrayal in that mindset, it’s a break in character…which ayyy, Deku willtake notice! ;D)

However, I took the Sports battle and these establishing traits(Uraraka’s grit and Kacchan’s honor) as separate strengths respective to each character, rather than anything shippy.Because Uraraka ultimately fought for herself (and her parents) while Kacchanproved he’d take any girl (anyone)seriously if they show proper worth and challenge respect. So it wasn’thim showing special treatment for Uraraka in particular, but an example of hishonest and impartial competitive sportsmanship. 

Now we have Uraraka thankful that Kacchan took herseriously, and therefore she’s unafraid to confront/approach him on her ownterms -as equals- later. Which is good! :D And it’s why I like the omakecontent of them so much, where she questions him about his behavior in the endof term test:

Uraraka: “It’s like you’re intimidating (Deku) because you’re scared and wanthim to go away from you.”

It’s greatbecause her intuition can clearly read through him: Kacchan purposely singles out and keepsDeku at bay because he fears how Deku makes him feel. Like, boom! She totallycalls him out. ;D BUT…I didn’t read this interaction of theirs as shippy either,because it revolved around Deku AND showed how much Uraraka is in support of their reconciled friendship. She WANTSthem to get along! (If anything, it makes hermore like their wingman… So ayy, bothshe and Kiri would be supportive of their repaired relationship!)

So, from these two canon interactions (only one was a significant event in the manga by the way…), I see the potential basis for a refreshing m/f friendship, where shecan mentally joust and bicker with him without any major consequence. However,as a romantic ship, no; it’s not enough to convince me.

Aside from how limited their canon interactions are, and howin both cases they revolvedaround Deku…the two of them have other canon characteristics to consider. Notonce has Kacchan ever shown interestin any girls in ‘that’ way (or really, invested interest in anyone other than Deku)…and Uraraka hasher utterly transparent feelings for Deku to resolve. Already, that starts themin separate, opposed lanes with respect to their connection to Deku. So whenconsidering them as a ship instead, Ihave to repeatedly ask myself howthey’d ever manage to merge onto the same lane, and what that would even entail,narratively.

Because what wouldit mean? Would Uraraka’s feelings for Deku simmer down to sisterly affectionsof support and admiration, leaving her to choose the immediate second option:Deku’s riv–…wait a sec, what aboutKacchan’s feelings for Deku? (This is writing off that same elephant in the room issue I talkedabout in my previous post…) Are theyboth actually rivals for Deku’s affections?! XD Would Uraraka choose to bewith Kacchan, for the sake of helpinghim ‘get over’ his feelings for Deku too?? WAIT hold on. This is the SAME thingI talked about with kr/bk: it is notUraraka (or Kiri’s) business, or even their responsibility, to forcibly butt-in with the hopes of ‘changing’ or ���fixing’ Kacchan’s problems/bad behavior FOR him.Except in Uraraka’s case, there’s theadded, antiquated gendered trope of the ‘good girl’ saving the ‘bad boy’ at theexpense of her own wellbeing. Sacrificing her own happiness to care for him fulltime. Which…oh no. Urarakadoesn’t deserve such a harsh fate like that. And Kacchan is not there to become a ‘pet project’ to coddle and change at theexpense of his feelings either. Theseare all some of the main arguments against the ship that I’ve seen, and I agreethat I’m definitely not interested in seeing a one-sided/harmful relationshipdynamic perpetuate like that…but I still have one final, personal dealbreaker.

Which is how Kacchan (my fav) ultimately becomescharacterized. And it relates to his ‘honor code’ established IN his fightagainst Uraraka too. Consider how Hori likely designed Deku and Uraraka to bethe ‘obvious’ endgame het pairing…with them having ongoing, mutual crushes oneach other (truthfully, I really only see fledgling, one-sided flustered admiration/envyfrom Uraraka’s side…) Now then, HOW does this make Kacchan look in turn, forhim to step in between them like this? If he knows they’re friends who like each other, would he really purposely step in to sabotageDeku’s chances with the object of his affections (Uraraka)? No way, not even outof potential spite against Deku or something. It would betray the very consistent and steadfast ‘trust’ about hischaracter that I talked about before.

Because Kacchan’s a gruff asshole ingeneral, but THIS (essentially ‘stealing’ Deku’s crush) would be an underhanded dick move of a whole new lowfor him. Completely at odds with his established character development. He outrighttells villains how he despisesunderhanded tactics like cheating and lying! Doing something like this would contradictand destroy his own ideals. Even if he somehow had a crush on Uraraka (which would already be a stretch andsuspension of disbelief, since he’s never shown any interest in girls likethat anyway) he’d do everything in his power to stay in his own lane and continueaiming for his goal as the top hero. Kacchan lives by his own strict standards andperfectionism in his drive to become the best.He’s an asshole, but not that other kindof asshole. Whenever I see shippy fan content of kac/chako being together atthe expense of Deku, this is the kindof asshole it makes Kacchan appear to me, which is a mischaracterization Ican’t tolerate. It’s a reason I haven’t seen other people talk about, but it’s alwaysbeen in the back of my mind, and probably the main reason why the idea of theirship rubs me the wrong way.

Whew, but thankfully, I don’t see any signs from Hori that they’llbecome endgame. (And it’s why most fan content of them slides past like water off a duck for me.) Truthfully and honestly,I really want Hori to step up Uraraka’s game, to make her a fully fleshed out characterand therefore, a viable contender in either of the boys’ hearts. Because atthe rate she’s going…she’s falling behind to the wayside compared to how Hori’sdeveloping Deku and Kacchan’srelationship. And she’ll have a tough time displacing the lifelong feelingsDeku has had for Kacchan, unless she does something drastic. (Ayyyy so where’sthat one traitor theory~)

Honestly, using Uraraka (or any girl actually) as shipfodder for the boys, just because of her gender, is something I’m not a fan of.I would rather be a fan of Uraraka based on the merits of her own character,and not from her designation as a satellite love interest to anyone. But IF Urarakahad to end up with anyone endgame, I would muchprefer her with either Iida or Tsuyu. Both of them are loyal and good friendswho would treat her with respect and provide needs in the way she deserves.

Alright! I think that covers everything. This actually got alot longer than anticipated. XD Thanks for reading!

[timberline-falls]

RP Etiquette

I was asked to help guide new players into RP and I thought of some basics we might take for granted. Without being too long-winded, I thought I should place it here for easy access. Posting etiquette is about being Clear, Concise, and Courteous. Good RP writing/posting isn’t at all the same as private writing. There's a lot to go into on all those points, but for now I have some guidelines that might help.

Strive for clarity. You don't have to type fancy, don't pressure yourself! What's important is being clear with your post, the actions in it, and prioritizing which descriptors you're using. Even grammar and spelling problems are okay! If you struggle with those things, prioritize punctuation first and try not to worry. No one is perfect, and that includes your RP partners! They’ll understand. Perfectionism demands too much time in a real-time collaborative effort, so don’t wear yourself thin trying to satiate it.

Be concise. Your character's inner monologue about their ex-lover or what they had for breakfast does very little to help your partner's reply! This is especially important when you're somewhere like a crowded bar with a long post order among everyone present. No one wants to see a long multi-post fractured throughout a stretch of RP-- it’s not only distracting, it’s impolite, and you run the risk of confusing participants. You don’t want your narrative lost in the chatlog, anyway! 

Don’t bury the action of your post with descriptors or narrative flair, keep it simple, clear to the point. This isn’t to say only dry writing works. The threat here is the allure of purple prose-- overly descriptive or flowery text that makes it difficult to see the purpose of the post. It's bad for all 3 C’s: It isn't immediately clear what the actions/events are, it can draw out a sentence into paragraphs, and paragraphs into multi-post cascades. Look for the line between functionality and self-indulgence(it’s okay!), and find a line that works for you.

The character limit is an obstacle, but trying to fight it can spam the chat.  If you need to follow-up a long post or add to one with a /say or /e, it's best to signal that with a continuation marker like hyphens or ( c ) at the end of the incomplete entry. 1-3 entries is the typically acceptable range for a single post, and while you can do more, it might be best if your RP group is small and playing somewhere your emotes won’t overlap with another group. I am not a fan of gw2′s emote ranges, and I know it can be very difficult to accomplish that, so don’t take it as a hard and fast rule. Sometimes, the chatlog is just gunna be messy. (bonus; once you have a feel for the flow of RP and multi-posting, you can use that format to your narrative advantage, sneaking in passive reactions as listener or writer)

Post order comes pretty naturally, it will flow in a rotation(with the exception of particularly raucous or densely populated RPs). GW2 etiquette doesn’t require permission to enter an open RP. If you’re approaching a RP, you can look for rotation order and use it to decide on a good entry point-- but always keep in mind the scene. 

Be patient. Some people reply quick and some people take longer. Just respect the order of action and each other! Sometimes the rotation will skip or double someone, and this is alright too. The rotation isn’t the rule-- The Action is. For instance, if something heated breaks out between two characters, they may have back-and-forth dialogue that ‘breaks’ rotation. That’s fine. Action is what moves the RP, and Action dictates the flow. It’s not uncommon for a single RP site to have multiple groups with their own rotations, sometimes even overlapping each other. I promise it’s not as confusing as it sounds once you see it in action, and you can always sit back and lurk until you feel comfortable.

Besides etiquette, you also need a strong sense of character integrity. That post would take me a bit to work on, but I wanted to get this one up and out of the way before we hit nitty-gritty. I hope this has been helpful!

[plebeianadventures]

Imposter Syndrome

I’m sitting in a coffeehouse in Wyoming, drinking a London Fog and hoping that I can do something productive instead of looking up all those things that I have put off looking up UNTIL NOW like a documentary I just watched or a recipe for something I will probably never actually cook myself.

As I’ve talked about before, I’ve been unable to sit down and write about any of my study abroad experiences due to life circumstances and general reverse-culture-shock-melancholy.

But now I’m here, I have time, and I technically have a deadline. I don’t expect to write out all of my experiences by November, but I have to make some sort of progress that proves that my body of work deserves to be considered as an Honors Senior Project.

In a lot of ways, this deadline is really great because eventually the nagging guilt for not writing “enough” will force me to sit down and write something, and eventually I will reach a threshold where it’s “do or die.” 

I’ve actually thought a lot about procrastination (one of the many things I do while procrastinating is theorizing about possible causes for procrastination), and I think my root cause is Imposter Syndrome.

I follow The School of Life on Youtube, which is a channel and company that offers what I would call “intellectual self-help.” They don’t use platitudes or motivational speeches to encourage people, but instead break down common issues of life into their theoretical, research-based parts. I find their videos helpful and soothing, because they take a very realistic approach to human problems. I don’t know exactly how “scholarly” you can consider their videos, but they offer comprehensive introductions to problems and theories.

That being said, I watch almost every new video they produce, one of which introduced me to the Imposter Syndrome. I’m sure most of us have felt this at one time or another. Something good happens to us, or we win an award, get a promotion, create something that receives praise or accolades. But instead of being proud and excited, we feel like it was just luck, or a better person stepping down at the right time, allowing us to take the place they originally deserved. We worry that with our success, someone will figure out that we are imposters and frauds, that we actually didn’t deserve the success or praise we received.

For me this happened recently when a paper that I wrote was nominated for Scholar’s Week at my university. I was asked to do a short presentation on my paper. At first I was so excited to be nominated and featured. Soon afterward, my Imposter Syndrome took hold. I thought for sure that when I went up to present my paper, people in the audience would know that I didn’t really know what I was talking about-- that many other people had written more coherent and genius things on the topic. “If my paper, comparatively shoddy to published graduate work, was nominated for Scholars’ Week,” I thought, “it must mean that the criteria have low standards.” There was no way, I thought, that my paper was actually worthy of accolades when there were so many better papers out there. Surely someone will realize this mistake and roll their eyes during my presentation or stand up in the middle of it to correct me. 

In the end, I did the presentation and nothing out of the ordinary happened other than the fact that I was stressed about timing. No one called me out, I didn’t get any hate emails or eyerolls (I was also afraid of this because my paper was about a racially sensitive topic and I was afraid of saying something in an offensive way).

But I’m digressing. I’m currently noticing the same thought patterns as I try writing for this blog. There are so many travel authors, so many bloggers, so many photographers that have been doing this for so much longer than I have that I fear that anything I write will be laughable, culturally insensitive, naïve, or uninteresting-- that other people who have spent far more than 18 weeks in Europe will call me out on things I’ve incorrectly represented. “We’re constantly aware of all our anxieties, doubts, and idiocies, yet all we know of others is what they happen to do and tell us, which is a far narrower and more edited source of information.” 

So I’m often sort of paralyzed: not wanting to write because anything I do will be worthless or silly, but genuinely wanting to write about my experiences for my own sake, wanting not to forget anything, wanting to document everything. “It can feel easier, simply not to try. But the root cause of the imposter syndrome is a hugely unhelpful picture of what other people are really like. We feel like imposters, not because we are uniquely flawed, but because we fail to imagine how deeply flawed everyone else must necessarily also be beneath the more or less polished surface.”

What now? How do I continue to make progress on what I now refer to as my Honors Thesis when I fear that there’s no way that the blog could ever live up to such a title? It’s a constant battle I wage with myself on a daily basis. Ultimately though, if I don’t have enough of a “finished product,” it absolutely won’t live up to the title of Honors Thesis. If I don’t even try, there won’t be any product at all. And although graduating with Honors is completely voluntary, I would regret for the rest of my life that I wasn’t good enough to overcome my Imposter Syndrome and fear of judgement and failure.

It seems that the only solution is to just “take a leap of faith” and remember that I am not uniquely flawed, and that everyone else has the same anxieties that I do. I am not singular in this fear. All of the famous travel writers and bloggers, and instagrammers and photographers have felt the same. I’m not even doing this to be famous or get recognition, so it doesn’t even matter if I compare myself with these people anyway.

We often forget that the people we admire most for their creations, talents, or successes didn’t get there overnight. The best costume designer didn’t just buy a sewing machine one day and make a red carpet dress. The best NFL athletes didn’t just step onto the field and make touchdowns their first day. I’ve always been really hard on myself for not being perfect at things right away. When I started drawing for fun, I hated myself for not being “gallery worthy” in the first week. When I started making jewelry for fun, I hated myself for not having the knowledge to smelt metals into what I wanted to make. So I eventually stopped doing these things altogether. (I was also a teenager during this time, so if I started again I would probably have better luck and willingness to practice).

This time I hope things are different. I think not only is my Honors Thesis an exploration of travel writing, but an exploration in overcoming perfectionism and the Imposter Syndrome in a social media world where everything we read and see is edited and perfected, but where we never see the process of growth, challenge, and mistakes to reach these final products. The nature of this blog being on tumblr does give me the opportunity to go back and edit whatever I want to, to rewrite things and delete things in mere seconds. And I probably will go back and revise things over time. But I wanted to make this specific post so that anyone who sees my blog when it’s mostly completed and think I never went through any blunders or mistakes. 

In the 4-ish months I have left to complete the bulk of my project, I hope that I will make mistakes. I hope that I will write things that are complete shit, with flowery pretentious language, with photos at weird angles or with poor composition. I hope that my metaphors won’t make sense, that I’ll write something that definitively illustrates my status as a privileged white girl in Europe. I hope that I’ll write about things that will interest no one but me.

At the end of this 4-ish months, I want to read through my earliest posts to my last posts, and discover growth, change, and mistakes made and remedied. I’m still fighting my internal battles everyday (along with Imposter Syndrome, my desire to play video games also makes me procrastinate), but I’m working on it...

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

my weekend.

On Friday, I had a job interview with Starbucks. I really want that job. There are a lot of jobs that I don't want very much, but seeing as I am on unemployment, and one of the stipulations of unemployment is that I apply for at least two jobs a week, it's important that I apply to places that I might actually like working, else I get stuck somewhere I don't want to work. And I wanted this job specifically more than the few others that are available to me. I would not say that the interview went badly. But I didn't feel like I really made the greatest of all impressions of myself either. The problem is that I simply don't have very much customer service. I have tried very hard to get out of working in the backs of places, but so far, either I get stuck in a setting where I work away from other people, or, I end up finding a seclusive job that pays me so well I can't refuse. And it is true that I am a quiet person. But it's not true that I am not capable of being outgoing. I have gone over the interview so many times in my head now, what I did wrong, what I could have said but didn't think to mention, what I did right, that my memory now is playing tricks on me and I no longer know how well or not well I did or did not do.

After that interview, I had planned on visiting my mother up in Kellogg Idaho. Her and my brother were supposed to be starting a thrift store. They live in the back part of the store. I have gotten rid of over half the stuff in my possession, and it will be awfully convenient to have the opportunity to sell some of it and make a little bit of money. So, I packed the back of my sister's fiance's truck up with my stuff I was going to sell, and we drove for a few hours, stuffed in the back of the truck with several other people and babies. The entire ride was slightly miserable. Everyone in the front wanted their windows rolled down, which blew directly on me. The babies screamed in bloody exhausted murder half the way, and the other half of the way they blasted a pop radio station mixed with the static of several other stations all competing. When we finally got there it was late at night.

My mom and my brother fight all the time. Both of them are kind of hard to be around for very different reasons, and if I am going to be perfectly honest, neither one of them are going to be good at handling the shop. My brother is a phobic person, among having other unfortunate problems. He's a very smart, and at times, highly considerate person, I would say in some ways he's a cut above most people. He reads more than anyone I know and he cares very deeply about doing the right thing. But he's almost unemployable. He thinks he is dirty a lot of the time. He shaves most of his hair on his body off because it grosses him out, and I have known him to take up to ten baths a day. He's also randomly moody about strange things. The strangest things set him off. He is obsessed with movies and music. When he puts in a movie, he expects everyone to sit perfectly still in the house and watch it. If you make too much noise he sees this as the greatest form of disrespect.  If he listens to an album, he expects everyone to listen to it attentively in the same manner. You aren't allowed to say anything. If people don't do this, he gets irrationally angry, and personally offended. He's had a history of violent behavior, but I do believe he's worked through most of that. My parents refuse to seek mental help for him, and instead they have taken turns trying to keep him as a pet. Until he fights with one of them, and then the other parent feels empowered by my other parent's failure, and they take over the situation. I myself was in a similar state when I was his age. I guess my parents are kind of sick. They don't want him to get a job, or be his own person. It's upsetting, but there is a symbiosis to the situation that the rest of us siblings cannot do much about. Still, it makes me sad.

So, about two years ago, my brother and my mom got bedbugs. It became this huge fiasco. They moved all their stuff into storage, and lived very modestly for over a year. But my brother feels that he still has bedbugs and that our parents are in denial about it because they want to forget about it, but my parents are saying he's become phobic and crazy, essentially developing parasitosis. and that with all the work they have done to rid themselves of the bugs, David is simply left with the residual phobia that he was already inclined towards. But he says they are only biting  him, not anyone else. He powders everything with diatomaceous earth. All of his books are covered in the stuff. He puts it all over himself at night and sleeps in it. He covers everything with plastic. I don't even know what to think. On one  hand, my parents really are the kinds of people who would have bedbugs and pretend that they didn't. I've known them my entire life to be selfish and undisciplined in that way. David has troubles dealing with their personality types. On the other hand, David is also prone to perfectionism and phobias. He tends to feel like people and nature are out to either offend or fail him in some way.

So, I come to visit, and this is their issue. I don't even know what to say to either one of them. David doesn't want to contribute with helping the shop because he doesn't want to send bedbugs that are in the stuff they are trying to sell to other people's homes for moral reasons. It's making him stressed out and depressed because there is a ton of stuff every which direction and the whole thing is chaos. My mom is completely inefficient and will spend any time she does have off painting rainbows on a wall when she needs to be setting up shelves and pricing her items. She works perfectly fine in chaos. Nobody is getting anything done. They are starting to have violent fights.

Meanwhile, something very strange has happened. My grandma has acquired a boyfriend. Some people's grandmother's probably do date here and there, but not my grandma Marie. She's a somewhat cold person until you get to know her better. She's a follower of the spiritual teachings of Yogananda, she's a perfectionist, a racist (even though she's half Native American), very conservative, very clean and organized in her way of thinking, she thinks deeply but lacks any sense of relativity or scope in her opinions. I would not call her dumb, but there is a strong arrogance and independence about her that makes most people avoid her. She also doesn't realize it, but she uses shame as a method to make people conform to what she thinks is right. I either did not fully realize how racist she was until I got much older, or she actually got more racist the older she got. Either way, if I had known at an earlier age, I might have felt differently about her, but I didn't really know, and given that I am mostly white, racism didn't really cross my mind or affect me on a personal level till I got older and explored different perspectives. It's difficult for me to grapple with her being so conservative and openly hateful to minorities (even though she is one), and at the same time hold her in regard. I have gotten to know her well enough to truly understand that underneath all of her judgmental rules, she's actually quite afraid and kind of lonely.  It's partly her own fault. But to be fair, she was basically an orphan. Both of her parents didn't want her. She grew up in a strict upbringing without many toys. She got older and married an abusive miner (my deceased grandfather), as a teenager, and she was viciously abused until she finally escaped. It took her a lot of hard years and several other abusive relationships to where she finally became who she was. She's never really lived outside of the small area of the north Idaho. Throughout my life, my parents have not been very reliable or nice to me, and she took me in when I needed help and gave me some sense of order. The conflict is very real.

Anyway, it came as a shock to find out she had a boyfriend. The whole family can barely believe it. I guess they knew each other from a job they both did forty years ago. She decided to get in touch and they started talking and they both feel like they have a lot in common, or else they are so lonely the both of them that they are pretending they do. He's got a nice home from what I hear. He lives in the Seattle area. If things work out, she may even up and move.

I also found out that her and my uncles and aunts on her side of the family almost disowned me because they didn't realize that I was liberal. I guess I must have posted something political that she found offensive on facebook several months ago. This caused her to block me. Basically, I exposed myself to my friends and family as having been sexually assaulted at one point in my life. I wanted some people in my life to know, because it was quite personal to me that we have a sex offender as a president. I imagine for a lot of people, this was too much information. But here's the thing. I already live in a world where nobody knows what they want from other people most of the time, if they want empty comfort or meaningful pain-filled honesty, and there is a stigma for rape victims that causes shame as it is. By being open about who I am to other people, I am breaking that boundary. I don't per say want to be coddled for what has happened to me in the past and I don't really want to essentially label myself as a victim either. I am trying to break that fear people have of what's happened to them. And I have found that me having been raped has been more difficult for my friends and family to accept than it has for me personally. Well, I don't know about that entirely. I have had a lot of problems because of it, and still continue to have problems. But at first nobody believed me. They didn't think I was lying. They just didn't believe me or want to understand. And to a degree, their dismissive avoidance made me feel ashamed of myself, and so I tried to make it out that it had been sort of my fault.

And then there are the people I have told. Basically, most of the people who read what I wrote never asked me about it. I was very honest with this Trump supporter friend of my sister's boyfriend about how having been personally raped makes me feel very differently about both our president's words, rape culture in general, and all those who chose to ignore his abhorrent behavior. This Trump supporter, who I could tell knew he was wrong and felt emotionally conflicted with how calmly I had explained myself and having nothing to retort, drunkenly screamed in my face that I essentially had it coming for being a liberal, and that I am a total hypocrite because I voted for Bill Clinton (I was seven the year he won his second term so that didn't make sense), and the fact remains that Clinton was more of a philanderer than he was an actual predator, unless you believe the stories that he raped that one woman in the 70's, which I don't believe there is sufficient evidence to deny or defend at this point so I am not going to falsely accuse him of that. I never was an avid Bill Clinton supporter. I didn't have a political opinion till I was almost twenty however. And I voted for Hilary because I didn't want to throw my vote away, since even though she wasn't my candidate of choice, I felt that she was more than a little more qualified than Donald Trump and Jill Stein was unprepared for that power and most likely would not have won. Mostly, in this facebook post that I did after Donald was elected, I pointed out the hypocrisy of being a conservative 'protector of family' and of women, and yet the support and blind eye to the misogyny is absurd and contradictory.

And it also came into play that when the family on my mother's side found out that I was open about sexual assault in my personal life, they felt weird about their own. My grandma has been sexually assaulted. My mom has, and one of my older sisters has as well. And my oldest niece, and my brother. Two of my childhood best friends, a friend I had later on in life. One of my friend's parents. Rape is literally in every corner of my life, and has crippled a part of many people's spirits. This has affected me first hand, and in directly through these people. It's almost something casual to our family history, and the women are hush hush, shame shame about it. And even those in my family who were not assaulted have been physically abused. I won't even go into a list there. And yet, none of these women really speak up. It's drifted down through the family tree that we don't get to speak up or fight back. We dare not do anything to suggest any feminist connotation. That's why I had to say something. Nobody else would have. It's one thing when you know you come from a troubled family that's fucked up and repressive, but it's quite another when a good portion of your entire country blows this off, and hides it under the rug. I expect better of people, it doesn't even matter in this case if they are liberal or conservative. I just want to be seen as something beyond a weak woman who asked for it. Or broken. That's why I said something.

Anyway, this really did upset and anger my mom's side of the family. They did not ask me if I was okay for having found that out. They instantly considered rejecting me. I am far from shocked. It really is to be expected. They are all older now, but they still carry a lot of damage from their upbringings. It did hurt my feelings a bit truth be told, but these family members are also racists, and sometimes you just have to stand your ground. I don't need their respect. This is just another part of growing up that's unpleasant but must be done. I am not even going to respond to this with hate. I don't expect anything from them, and they don't owe me anything. I recognize that they have fear and shame for themselves, and it's caused them to resent me for denying that shame and fear that they cloak themselves in. My grandma feels shame at herself for having the complexion and high cheek bones of indigenous people. She probably lost a lot of job opportunities over blonde haired, blue eyed women who men would aim to marry before my they would someone with black hair, darker skin. It was probably particularly difficult to deal with her divorce at a time when women simply didn't divorce men very often, when all of that was considered shameful, let alone being dark skinned with four children to feed. And rather than recognize that these people were wrong, that there was nothing wrong with being dark, she took it in and strove to be considered white and therefore less shameful. It's strange how this kind of thing works.

But later, yesterday morning, we ended up going to visit my grandma. When I was there in person, I could tell that she didn't actually hate me at all. It was mostly a defense mechanism. In person she seemed conflicted at first, but she was also very eager to see me again. She actually really does love me. She's just damaged. And damaged people don't deal with this kind of thing well. I questioned the authoritarian voice of the Republicans that she needs in her life in order to feel validated and safe. She really wanted me to come up and paint with her. She used to be a successful artist, and she's been getting back into the habit recently. I told her I had been watching a lot of Star Trek and had wanted to paint some Star Trek related paintings recently, and she got very excited, being as superstitious as she is she has been wanting to paint pictures of space recently. She saw this as some kind of sign. I then had to go. I told her I loved her and we went on our way.

When I got home, I found some bad news. For some reason that I absolutely do not understand, for the fourth time in a row, my unemployment has been rejected. Idaho does a lot to avoid having to pay out unemployment. They intentionally make it hard for people to do this, and I keep getting kicked off for very minor reasons, one of them being that I don't physically have a car, though I have several means of transportation, public, bicycle, and my sister can give me rides. They still said that I could not apply. I have looked for two jobs a week just as asked and filled out all of the information. I have dutifully filled out all the stuff into the claimant portal as I was supposed to, phone numbers and everything. But last week has simply gone under 'unprocessed'. I have no clue why that is at all. And now they are saying I have to wait another two weeks to get paid. I don't have two weeks. I am running low on money now. I am getting really emotionally frustrated. I got mad and I have been feeling insecure and hopeless. I bawled my eyes out. I intentionally applied at stupid places this week not to get the job, but simply to put my application out there for the sake of being thorough. I figure that if I do get interviewed, then I will be painfully honest with every job I do not want. In the adult world, you are not supposed to be honest. But I do find myself a little confused, since some of the online questions were 'Are your parents proud of you'?', 'What do your coworkers secretly think about you', and "When I look at the world around me, I have little hope for mankind. - True or false"

I especially find it strange that they would go so deep to even attempt to ask me about something so sociological, something that people write acclaimed nonfiction literature trying to piece together, since this is fucking Jack in the Box. This place's supervisors are tweaking out on their shifts. This is the Jack in the Box down the street that never gets orders right, that had to be shut down because their spoiled food was making people sick, the Jack in the Box where one of the managers actually spit in the food of a customer before giving it to them, and posted it on social media and got fired. I also was interviewed at this place a few years ago, and this guy became emotionally abusive towards me, telling me that I wasn't good enough to be hired at the lowest fast food place. When I tried to answer questions, he talked over me and told me I was a liar, and that he could read my thoughts. I needed a job very badly back then, and he was totally abusive in his position of power. Now days, I would have walked out as soon as he started getting inappropriate and personal. But at the time I took it to heart and really felt as awful as he was hoping to make me. I walked out of the building sobbing. He got fired a week later for attempting to force the women in the building to perform sexual favors for him in order to keep their jobs. I ended up working under him for a short period at a factory. He was a total joke, and I out performed him two weeks into the job.

It's just ridiculous. I wonder if there is something so fundamentally unpleasant about me that people feel repelled by me in some way. Because I know I am not an extrovert. But I can be sociable. I am a little stiff at interviews, I know I come off as odd. But there are people who come off worse. There are a lot of totally incompetent individuals that get jobs. Like president of the united states, or manager of jack in the box. I just can't figure it out. I have even figured out how to lie about just about anything. Half my resume' is a lie. For whatever reason, you are supposed to simultaneously tell the truth and lie at the same time. This is what employers want. Even if you are just there to perform a task that any dummy could perform, and nobody cares if you smile. I can't even apparently win these crummy prizes. But somehow, this doesn't work either. I just feel even worse because I did exactly what I was supposed to, I sold my soul to the devil, and I still didn't reap the benefits. What feels more cheap than that? Anymore, I feel a lot better off going into interviews being totally myself. I just feel like I am somehow a failure as it is, but lying and pretending I am hot shit also seems like a dumb call. It's essentially admitting to myself that I am not good enough to be myself and be accepted for what I am, and in so doing lowering my feelings of self worth psychologically, and then still getting rejected just the same. At least if I am going to be rejected I would rather be tried for who I am rather than who I am not. I am aware that most of the reason I am feeling frustrated and sad about this now is because I am getting upset about my online unemployment being denied for no good reason.

There is also a strange logic in being myself. I have always felt very strongly that you can't find your real place in life and at the same time deny who you really are in the world. It's better to be proud of who you are. The world is indifferent and unforgiving and shallow. They will look for and find any excuse to dismiss you if they possibly can. And that might be because they don't like your nose. There are many situations where there is nothing you can do about the way the world perceives you. Why be your own worst enemy in a cold indifferent world as it is? And even if you accomplish the task of making everyone like you in a shallow way, how good is that ever going to feel to you? How will you ever find people who really love and understand you for who you are, or find a position in life that pays the bills that you can enjoy? People who go to work day in and day out being something they are not lead empty lives. I do not blame people for doing what they have to in order to survive by any means, but if their desperation is so real that they must fake it in order to feed their family, than I include that desperation as part of the inner workings of the reality in the situation. I have this gut feeling that if I come off as phony, it will deep down send a message of weakness. And the world is made of wolves, and they will tear you apart for that. If I am going to be dismissed, I would go down being myself than some phony cartoon version of what people are supposed to be. I do know that we all have to eat and pay the bills, but there is more to life than that. If all I ever do for the rest of my life is eat, sleep, pay the bills and zone out online, than for logical reasons, I don't really care what happens to me enough to fake this stuff. Especially for a job that would not even challenge me too much. That is not a life that I think I want to live. For other people it might really be a sustainable happy existence. I don't mean to shame anyone. It's just not for me. I've been doing it more or less for three yeas now because I thought that if I did everything people are 'supposed to do' than I could fix a broken heart and be happy the way the conforming authoritative collective voice says you will be. It really doesn't fix it. While it's true, my heart isn't really broken anymore, I just feel like I have denied it exists to the point where it is starting to disconnect from me and become a black void, and I am genuinely not happy at all with this. And every time I get an unrealistic non-work-related question for a job, and they ask me to kiss ass so they can boot me in the face anyway, I am reminded very clearly of this fact.

To be fair though, Starbucks was very nice, and the questions had some pertinence with the reality of the job. I just didn't come off as warm enough I don't think.

[danvssomethingorother]

Fanfic Recs

In honor of fandom fic rec days, just want to take a few minutes to just recommend my favorite fanfics from around the web. Please head the warnings because I like angst so rape, torture, and just all sorts of unpleasant stuff does appear in some of these stories (which I say beside the fic). I also listed the pairing, if there are any as well. I have been in fandoms for a very long time and have quite the extensive amount of recs, so I will not list all of the stories I enjoy, just my favorite stories I have read and re read the most when I am at my lowest or am just bored. 

Please do not be upset if I don’t rec your story fellow fanfic writers! If I have read your stuff and commented on your work, I do love it but these stories are my favorites and stories I don’t only love and enjoy but stories I don’t think I would be capable of living in a world without and some are so old they helped shape my own writing style as you know it today.

Batman 

In Re Robin

Warnings: Some blood and child abuse

Summary: After the extent of Robin's injuries from Harvey Dent comes out, Child Protective Services decides to save Robin from a vigilante lifestyle. Follow up to Robin, Year One.

Why I love it so much: Its not uncommon to use the story line from my favorite comic, Robin Year One by Chuck Dixon, but this one does it in a way that is special and captures the feel of why I loved that comic to begin with and made Bruce and Dick’s relationship more realistic and fleshed out then most stories dealing with them being father/son. 

Broken Glass 

Warnings: Eating disorder

Summary: Dick Grayson has always been a perfectionist.  But what happens when perfectionism goes too far?

Why I love it: This fic has been in my life for a long time, while all my other angst fics either got deleted or I grew out of because I realized they were bad, this one has stayed with me because its extremely in character and despite its kinda weird premise for a super hero story, it freaking works. Its so good and I love it.

Daddy, Not Bats

Warnings: Some violence (its a super hero fic)

Summary: AU, continuation of 'A Father's Request'. Join one 'retired' Batman as he raises his kids all together while trying to still save the world with this version of the Justice League.  One Shots, mini-series, and headcanons, life for the Waynes is always interesting to watch, especially since they can't leave crime fighting behind them. T for paranoia

Why I love it: I had to choose one story out of all the fics where Bruce raises all the Robins at the same time and this one is my favorite and it actually remembered Bruce’s daughter Cass, which most of these AUs don’t. You don’t need me to keep telling you about, I don’t want to give much away, go read it!

Miss Congeniality and the Bad Ass Ninja

Warnings: some language

Summary: Dick pays a visit to the Wayne Manor gym, where he meets the /delightful/ new addition to the family. Brother bonding fic. K plus for Dick's potty mouth.

Why I love it: This is another case of I had to only choose one out of the hundreds of stories I like about Dick and Damian bonding and I think this one is my favorite. Its in character and feels like something they would talk about and I really love it.

Teen Titans 

With this fandom, I have a theme, so I am going to just dump it down now. If you want really well written Robin being Slade’s apprentice fics, these are my favorites:

Basic Skill

summary: Slade might have Robin blackmailed into working for him, but he can't get him to kill anyone. That's no good for an assassin's apprentice. NOT SLASH 

Northern Star  (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6478556/1/Northern-Star)

Summary: Life as Slade's apprentice is hard for Robin, but even harder for those trying to save him. Murders, schemes and hatred flourishes as the Titans, Batman, and the JLA struggle to help him. Meanwhile, Slade has a nefarious plan in mind for the Batman... 

Since it is my favorite theme, I have more stories I like with this theme but they are too many to list and some of my favorites have been deleted over the years which is just disheartening. Also these two authors are great go read all their work.

But my favorite author in this fandom has to be melimash

All of their teen titans work is jaw dropping and wonderful, I love it all so damn much. I can’t even express how much I love every single one of their stories, I wish I had half the talent they do. They are amazing and I have been looking up to their skill for years now.

Harry Potter 

Casting Moonshadows

Summary: Lonely and outcast by his classmates, Remus wishes on a moonshadow for a friend who understands him. To his amazement his wish is answered not once, but three times, by his former enemies, the Marauders. SBRL and some JPLE as well, of course 

Warnings: Child abuse

Pairing: Wolfstar

Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past

Summary:   The war is over. Too bad no one is left to celebrate. Harry makes a desperate plan to go back in time, even though it means returning Voldemort to life. Now an 11 year old Harry with 30 year old memories is starting Hogwarts. Can he get it right?

Warning: Child abuse and PTSD symptoms, this story was also written Pre- The Deathly Hallows, so Snape is presented as evil. I don’t mind because I don’t like Snape but I can see how Snape fans would hate it.

Pairing: Harry/Ginny

Another Prisoner, Another Professor

Summary:  AU. In Harry's third year he must learn the many truths about the new DADA teacher, Professor Black, and an escaped convict, Remus Lupin. Eventual SBxRL.

Pairing: Wolfstar

Harry Potter and the Something Something

Summary: Hey, wouldn't it be cool if someone took as many fanfic cliches as possible and stuffed them all into one story?  No?  Well, I went ahead and did it anyway.  Multi-chapter Mockfic.  This summary is actually a lot better than I originally thought.

Pairing: None

Against the Moon

Summary: The odds were stacked against him: a child from a blended home with no friends, no social skills to speak of, and a terrible secret. Yet slowly Remus Lupin began to realize there was a place for him in the world, if he could find the courage to claim it. 

Warnings: Canon prejudices, blood, child abuse 

Pairing: I believe the author has said you can see it as wolfstar but it won’t be official in the story. 

HP is my biggest fandom and I have read hundreds of stories with these same ideas and themes over the years but these are my favorites because they are just that damn good.

Lord Of The Rings 

Devoted (http://mariole.livejournal.com/23137.html)

Warnings: RAPE, I mean graphic stuff, please do not read if you this subject upsets you or you are underage.

Summary (there isn’t one so this is from the author’s note of the first chapter): This is a disturbing fic. Frodo is raped in his home (post-Bilbo, pre-Quest), and has to deal with that. I don't know why this topic has been pulling at me, but it has and there you go. I know this fic will not be for everyone. Frodo is basically a het character, so there are some het references and scenes. There is also slash, both requited and un-, throughout the piece, as various characters explore their sexuality and feelings for each other. The main hobbits are Frodo, Sam, and Merry. Pippin pops up now and then, but he's only 13 when the main action starts, so we don't see as much of him (sorry, Pip lovers!).

Pairing: frodo / sam

Why I love it: I tried not to put too many questionable stories I have enjoyed onto this list but I can’t leave this one out. This is the best characterization I have ever seen for the hobbits. 

Treasures (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/854350/1/Treasures)

Warnings: lots of child abuse and its abandoned, never to be completed

Summary: AU - Gossip ran through the Shire that Bilbo Baggins possessed a great fortune in the depths of his home. Several ruffians attempt to seize that fortune by kidnapping his beloved nephew and holding him for ransom. 

Why I love it: Its just so good. I love Bilbo and Frodo’s relationship, I love all the angst, and I will always mourn we never get to see the conclusion of this fic. 

My favorite authors I can’t pick a favorite from: 

MBradford (Some warnings for this author they ship Frodo/Sam and made cute stuff with them and their main series involve attempted rape and kidnapping)

shirebound

Gravity Falls ( my current fandom) 

This one is a little harder for me to pick my favorites and keep the list somewhat small. Since most of you are following me for this fandom, I’m gonna break up this one into categories and list my favorites from those categories since I know most of you are GF fans following me and care more about these recs then the other fandoms.

Ciphford 

Cold 

Warnings: THIS IS MATURE. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE. It involves Non Con and psychological abuse. 

Why I love it so much: It is so chilling and breath taking how they set up and conclude this angst filled masterpiece. I feel like if any story inspired me to make ciphford abuse, its this one. 

Not One to Forget 

Warnings: Non con elements

Why I love it: Its just so good and full of emotion that always manages to hit me right in the feels, please consider reading!

Nonconsensual

Warnings: Non con (duh with a title like that)

Why I love it: Its just so sad and such a punch in the gut every time I read it. I love it so much...

Fiddauthor 

Fresh Start  (you should just read all of @memyselfandyoutube ‘s work but this is my favorite by far)

Warnings: Technical kidnapping, memory loss, mental health problems

Why I love it: I loved it so much I even wrote a companion piece to it but I feel like the original should get more attention then my work. The build up to the reveal, the tension, the characterization are all just so spot on and perfect. I love this little piece and implore everyone to read it.

You Have A Home 

Warnings: Child neglect

Why I love it: This story has just started but like everything @amydiddle-fanfiction writes its looking to be a great story, that I am excited to read. 

Gloves 

Warnings: None

Why I love it: Its one of the cutest fiddauthor fics I have ever read and I adore it. 

The Vandals 

Warnings: Bullying

Why I love it: Ford protecting Fidds is just so good, so very good.

Fiddlestan 

In Which Stan Occupies A Certain River In Egypt

Warnings: Mental illness, physical illness

Why I love it: I have a weakness for stories where my favorite is ill and needs to be taken care of and this is everything I could want and more. God, its just so good. I’m not even a huge fan of the AU this is set in (where Stan raises Mabel without Dipper) but oh my gosh, everything is just so perfect from the characterization, set up and build up of the relationship and so forth. I love this fic, I have read it a dozen times already will likely read it a few more times before I am finished. 

A Helping Hand 

Warnings: None

Why I love it: Its so unique to find a story that jams this much character into a story with out a single line of dialogue (as a writer I know how hard that is to do so this is a big deal for me) and this story just gives me goosebumps on every re read.

Brawl Brawlers

Warnings: Jimstan and some violence

Why I love it: I’m not a fan of jimstan, so the fact I’m recing anything that implies it should tell you why I love this. Its just cute and I can like when Fidds shows his more abrasive side. Logical book thief is a great writer and I highly recommend all her work but this is just the one I read most, I think. 

Fool's Paradise 

Warnings: this story is rated M and there are sexual themes and violence, so any one underage shouldn’t read

Why I love it: How could I not love it? It is packed with great characterization, fidds suffering, and an AU where the mystery trio all end up happy together. This is my favorite fiddlestan and I would be incomplete without it.

Good Days and Bad Days (http://nuttersincorporated.tumblr.com/post/120295190724/good-days-and-bad)

Warnings: Panic attack, self harm (harm pulling)

Why I love it: Its just so good, I love the hurt comfort, its so well written and good. Also worth checking out is this author’s longer story ( Memories ) but it is sadly incomplete and may be abandoned

Gen 

Fiddleford's Secrets (this one is part of a series that you can find the rest on the author’s page Topaz88)  

Warnings: None

Why I love it: Its an interesting take on Fidds origins I have never seen before and really enjoyed it, along with the rest in this series. Its a series about if the mystery trio and I recommend everyone read.

We're All Broken

Warnings: Mental illness, homelessness, its incomplete and I fear it might be abandoned

Why I love it: Its just so enjoyable and an interesting idea of Stan coming to town and helping out a broken and homeless fiddleford and his brother who is going down hill because of Bill. 

Wednesday, 12 Dec. 1979 

Warnings: Injuries, mental trauma

why I love it: Do you know how hard it is to find a good story that deals with Fiddleford’s canon trauma after the gremlobin? Because as a Fiddleford fan, I do and this story was absolute perfection and the author was a saint for creating it. 

We Made It Through The Night 

Warnings: None

Why I love it: Its a very beautiful story filled with wonderful characterization and so much emotion to punch you right in the feels. Mabel and Fidds bonding over trauma is an interesting idea and is executed masterfully by @forest-of-stories like all her work I highly recommend. 

http://biteinsane.tumblr.com/post/156126664230/i-have-always-wanted-to-read-something-with-tate

Warnings: None

Why I love it: Its very short but its so sweet. I never really read stuff involving Tate and Fidds and it was a joy to read.

Authors

Princessedelarue  (all fiddlestan)

 theblindtorpedo (all fiddlestan)

  Logias (Meggletron) (all Fiddlestan)

   CeslaToil (fiddauthor and gen but really just read her work, its all great and you won’t regret it)

tallykale (all fiddauthor but sadly not active anymore)

Hannahbette (an archive of Hannahbette’s old fanfic that have now been deleted from this site, all are fiddauthor and all are great)

And you know, you can always support me here, if ya want to of course. I’m egotistical enough to like my own work, so you might like it too.

[personalcoachingcenter]

Personal Coaching Journey: Interview with Juli W

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/personal-coaching-journey-interview-with-juli-w/

Personal Coaching Journey: Interview with Juli W

A Research Paper By RaShonna Amos, Life Coach, UNITED STATES

Early on in my ICA journey, I joined a Mentor Coaching session for the first time as an observer.  The instructor didn’t join and there was a student named Juli Wenger that said, “let’s get some practice anyway” so I had my first opportunity to hear ICA students practice their coaching skills and give each other feedback.  I saw Juli in other classes and could tell that she was open to learning and open to sharing her insight and expertise as well.

As I started reaching out to peer coaches, I had Juli in the back of my mind but I remembered that she was close to the end of her program.  After some time, I decided to reach out and after our first conversation, I decided that I wanted to have Juli as a coach.  Her Enneagram focus and passion for helping clients become themselves is something that I’ve benefited from over the past few months.  Juli sees the threads and themes and is willing to call them out while lovingly supporting you to be who you set out to be.

When I thought about my approach for my final paper, I didn’t initially think about doing an interview but after speaking to several people and learning about their history, it has kept me intrigued and thankful to learn from both new and seasoned coaches. The remainder of this paper is a transcript of my interview with Juli and a summary of key takeaways from her coaching and personal journey.

Personal Coaching Journey Interview Transcript:

Shonna: Hi Juli! I would say welcome to the hot seat but that’s not what this is intended to be.

Juli: The tables have been turned.

Shonna: Thank you for allowing me to interview you. This is a great opportunity for me to learn more about Julibeyond what I already know, and I would love to start with who is Juli the Coach and when did you meet her?

Juli: Juli the Coach is Juli as her most authentic and powerful self. I was in real estate for 10 years and I didn’t meet Juli, the coach until about the end of that journey, or towards year nine when I completely burned out. I was anxious and I knew I wanted to do something that mattered. I had the thought that this cannot be all there is, this can’t be all I’m here for.  So, I started the next phase of my journey and because I’d been coached for a few years, I had been doing the personal growth thing for a few years. But I really started exploring who I am and what is it that defines the essence of me.  With that as a lens, then how does that require me to show up in life.

What’s interesting about Juli the coach is that it’s a label or it’s a job description. It’s an assignment, but it’s not my identity. I would define myself as being love, joy, strength, light, and grace.  As a flow-through of that, when I look at my calling or my why statement or my passion, it’s about helping people find their fire and trust themselves to live their purpose, so they’re fulfilled and they’re creating impact and they’re living life as their whole selves. So that’s really the lens through which I found Juli, the Coach; how do I go about doing work that helps people find their fire, helps them learn to trust themselves and helps them get clarity on their purpose so they can live it? How do I go about helping them find fulfillment and create the impact that exists when we are our power and coaching was the best fit- the most aligned.

Shonna: That’s powerful.  When were you introduced to coaching?

Juli: I hired my first coach about six years ago. My daughter, my first baby of my own was about a year old. I’d gone back to work. I was anxious. I didn’t want to be back at work. I didn’t know why I was doing what I was doing, and I happened to have lunch with a friend who had just become a coach.

In hindsight, based on what we’ve learned about coaching and what coaching actually is, she was more of a mentor/blend but she essentially said “can we work on some of your values, can we work on what it is that you are after, what the rules are that you’re living by”. After all, I’m sitting at this table essentially in tears because I just don’t know what to do with myself. So, I started a four-year journey with the same coach and transitioned just before I met Juli, the coach.  There was a transition period that needed to happen, because eventually, we outgrow coaches, and eventually, things shift, and we need something different.

That’s beautiful, and that’s okay, and I think one of the risks we run when we stay too long if we’re not actively paying attention, is that we can create codependency. That’s what I saw show up in my relationship with my first coach and that’s a pattern of mine when I’m not my most powerful and when I’m not really healthy. I’ve learned to really watch for that and structure my business to be watching for that. But it was time for change and it was interesting because my next coach was the one that said to me, “Juli, you are a coach”. So, it’s interesting how people come into play at times that are divinely timed.

Shonna: When you heard “Juli, you are a coach”, what was your reaction?

Juli: I heard her, but my thought was “yeah, I don’t know”.  It’s funny, because when I got into real estate, my husband said, “you should be a realtor” and I said, “yeah, I don’t think so”.  I did it for 10 years and I was great at it. When she said that, I think for me, the tension was very much around.

Then, I was what I now call a recovering boundary-less person. So being able to hold space, for what I would have considered then to be other people’s problems was not something I felt like I could do. It’d be too heavy, it’d be too much too many feels, and that stuff can shift. I literally sat on the front deck with my husband having coffee this morning, because we’re working from home right now and I said to him“you know, I’ve got two clients that are fighting with each other and I’m not invested in it”. I’m not in that space in between. I can hold space for each of them, and then let it go. I can step out of a heavy session and let it go within minutes, instead of carrying it with me and worrying. So, the hesitancy for me was partially around that worry of just being bogged down in other people’s emotions. The other part of it was that I had attached my identity to my success in my career. So, I had to unwrap that one and detach from that one, to be able to really step forward.

Shonna: Unwrapping and detaching. What else did you do to step into the power of being a coach and believing that you are a coach?

Juli: I had to let go of a lot of people-pleasing. I had to let go of a lot of people. One of the things that were very obvious to me early on in that recovering from being boundary-less was how much of my value I attached to what I thought other people thought of me and how happy they were. So, I surrounded myself with clients, personal trainers, friends, all sorts of people that were not of any of their own wrongdoing. They were very much takers and I had taught them to treat me that way. I had attracted those people.  I allowed it to be my reality. So, I had a lot of work to do in creating new boundaries, setting new expectations, firing clients, and letting people just exit not holding space for them in the same capacity I had.

That’s really difficult when that’s a lifelong pattern.  Ultimately, our boundaries start with ourselves, and we have to filter that for ourselves and be in integrity with ourselves on it. So, there was a lot of that work. I had to let go of some perfectionism, I had to let go of tying my value to money, and income. I had success, I had reached the checkboxes of what success looks like, but I wasn’t happy. So, I had to redefine that. I had to start to allow myself to acknowledge my own needs. I started to allow myself to see value in myself, to be able to see myself as powerful or fierce because I didn’t really think that was okay. You know, you’re supposed to be a nice girl, you’re supposed to not be too much you’re supposed to like this commitment to not enough-ness. That is ultimately a choice. So, I had to choose enough.

Shonna: I’m fighting back emotion. All these things. This is why you get me. Thank you for sharing so openly. I could take a stab at answering this next question, but I want to hear from you. What is your coaching superpower?

Juli: This is fun because I’m sitting here going, “can I limit it to one?”.  When I look back a couple of years ago, I would not have been able to own them at all. So, I would say one of my biggest superpowers in coaching is a safe space that I can be present and available and emotionally in tune and vulnerable enough personally and transparent enough in my own journey, that it creates this safety for people to show up authentically.  For people to show up and share what’s really going on, for clients to spend time with me and talk about things they never told another human being requires a lot of safety and that’s really important to me.

One of my other superpowers that are part of my wiring and you know I love the Enneagram a lot, is being able to feel other people’s feels.  There’s a level of intuition there that shows up and that is really helpful. I think it’s really linked to the safe space and holding space. I think my other superpower, though, is something I’ve learned to call tree shaking. So, as I’ve owned more of my own power, and as I’ve owned my own faith and what’s been placed in me and my calling, and all of that, there is a fierceness and a willingness to challenge people and to let them be uncomfortable.

That has always been in me, but I wasn’t comfortable with it until the last couple of years.  I would think I was too loud or too obnoxious or need to tone it down, and then it would leak out. Then I really felt like I was too much. It was a confirming story.  But now I’m learning to find more harmony in that calm, which I’ve also been told is a superpower. Within a coaching capacity, I think there are those two pieces of the spectrum that really pair nicely where I can come across really soft, nurturing, and hold that space, and then other times it’s like, “okay, we’re just gonna back up the truck and drop a hammer here” because that’s what is needed. Sometimes we need that pattern interrupt.

Shonna: So, it sounds like you understood coaching, you had a coach, and you had an established business before you started your ICA journey. Tell me how you decided to get certified and the why behind it.

Juli: I started ICA end of February in 2020. What prompted that for me was that I knew how to be a mentor and I knew how to teach, and I knew how to tell people what to do- but did I really have the qualifications and the skill sets that I needed to empower people too? So, for me, it was very much a legitimacy piece.  I don’t want to just slap the coach on the door, I don’t want to jump into something without having the skills and the training to really be able to support people because I have seen the damage that can happen in coaching environments that are lacking training or that are too much telling, or where people don’t understand the difference between mentoring and coaching.

It was really important to me that I had the skills so that I wouldn’t do damage while I was trying to create a positive impact. Part of what drew me in with ICA was that they had an Enneagram module.  The module wasn’t actually very intensive but I liked how holistic and flexible the program was.  With having kids and running two businesses, that flexibility and online component were really important. I appreciated that when I was looking through programs, there’s a lot of programs that I would call more of “Woo” or programs that are super-specialized. But this one really was focused on giving you that broad skill set and what we call pure coaching format. You have the ability to turn it on to allow clients to self-discovery, and to understand that self-discovery is the most powerful way to create intrinsic motivation, which is how real change happens. You can’t push people into long sustainable change- into real transformational change. They have to find that inside themselves.

Shonna: You touched on this a little bit but what were some of your key takeaways or even things that you were surprised that you learned about coaching and influenced your style of coaching coming out of the ICA program?

Juli: One of the things that surprised me initially was the actual pure coaching structure. Because I hadn’t experienced that with my coaches. I came in with some preconceived expectations of what being a coach meant and that got challenged. Another thing that was very interesting for me was looking at questioning and what’s productive and what’s not.

In one class we were having this conversation, I remember, it was in one of Lorna’s classes, and Lorna is no bullshit. She was asking, what question we would ask. I said, “well, I’d asked her, where else is that showing up for her?”.  She shared how that was a nonproductive questioning pattern that would actually take people backward and disempower them because they’re looking for other failures vs. having them say “okay this thing is showing up, well, what are you learning about yourself in that?” or “how would you take that learning and go future-facing with it?”.  How would you create action out of that? What would you like to see change about that? What would it be like for you, if that changed?

That split between digging around in the past and bringing up old stuff and getting stuck there and re-experiencing pain vs. being future-facing and yes let’s acknowledge and honor these experiences, and then say, okay, well, now what? That was such an important piece of my journey and it was early- that was in March 2019. It made me realize that I didn’t even know what I didn’t know and that yes, I needed to be here and that I needed to invest in this and pay attention because otherwise, I’m going to default to whatever I’ve seen and that may actually be keeping people stuck, which is the opposite of what I want for them and what they want for themselves.

There’s one other piece there, actually- carrying people.  Someone told me a while ago that carrying is care plus worry. Through this whole educational journey, I really learned how to leave my stuff at the door. In the program, that was something that I think they did a really beautiful job of continually reinforcing. It’s not yours, or it’s not about you. It’s not yours to own, it’s not yours to carry, is not yours to dictate, it’s not yours to tell, just let them go on their journey.

Shonna: Care plus worry, I think that is going to stick with me.  What advice would you give to someone new to coaching or even to experienced coaches? What if they just came to you and said, Juli, I just need some guidance on how I can be the most impactful coach and be in service of my clients?

Juli: This is an interesting question because it’s essentially the same advice I think I would give to anyone that’s trying to create more impact. It’s to really come back to yourself first. This has been such a powerful piece of my journey. It’s so easy to get caught up in other people’s should for our business, our relationships, our families, our friendships, or interactions, our financial stability, or what kinds of hobbies we take on.

I had one of those conversations this morning.  A new coach asked what they need to do and how they should go about finding people.  How should he show up and how he can create an impact? I asked if he understands who he is?  What your purpose is and why you have been placed on this Earth at an essential level- not as a job title.  Coach is not my calling. Helping people find their fire and trust themselves and live their purpose- that’s my calling. When I have that clarity, and when other people have that clarity, then they can start to get really clear on the impact their here to make and reverse engineer that to create their coach business plan to create their client attraction plan.

The other piece of advice that I would give is to find someone to mentor you. Find someone whose map you can borrow.  If you’re looking to shift your business or grow a new business, or you’re established, you’re new, but you want to do something different or you want to create more impact, you haven’t been in that new space yet and you don’t have a frame of reference for it. So, part of the work is determining if I want to do this all myself and figure it out, and in hindsight, I’ve done plenty of that. Or do I want to find someone who can be a guide for me and help me understand what they did and what worked and what didn’t work so I can leapfrog some of that stuff?

Shonna: That’s a perfect segue.  You mentioned you had a coach before, and they were in that mentoring capacity for you. Who else has influenced you, or who else has poured into you and created a bridge for you?

Juli: So many people, I mean, people that I know and people that I don’t.  Brene’ Brown is one of my heroes in life. Her work on vulnerability and shame resilience has been life-changing for me. Simon Sinek, and “Start with Why” was one of the first personal growth books I ever read and changed the trajectory of everything and continues to influence in some capacity, the work that I do. Andy Stanley, who is one of my favorite preachers from Georgia. There’s a personal piece and a business piece there because he does this leadership podcast and vision work and he is brilliant when it comes to business and being people first and building corporate culture. That’s had a huge impact on me, but also learning about my faith, which is a massive piece of my journey from someone who can break it down, so sustainably, and look at how being a Jesus follower will just make your life better.

Then there are so many people within the Enneagram community. That has been a pivotal piece of this whole journey.  Understanding how am I wired and what does that tell me about my superpowers, my defensive mechanisms, and how does that accelerate my growth and the client’s growth? So, there are a few people, there’s Christopher Shorts, Morgan Khan, there are some of my teachers like Peter Hanrahan, hearing Enneagram tradition, and this whole community of humans in that space that have been very influential. Dr. Kristin Neff and her work on self-compassion have been super influential.

So, there’s this list of people and books and things that really spans.  My coaches were an important part of my journey and my community was an important part of my journey, just calling me up and calling me out on my crap. That it’s, it’s tough to just pinpoint and say there’s this person, or this person, or that person that really changed the game for me, because it’s been an army of humans. Truly, it’s been such a massive collection of people that this is where my faith comes out that God has placed in my life when I’ve needed them to be sent out to find me when I’ve been struggling.  The biggest inspiration is in the biggest influences via faith and really understanding who I’m put here to be and who’s I am.

Shonna: Juli, I’ve learned a lot and I appreciate your openness. The last question that I would love to ask you is what’s next for you? What’s possible for Juli and what can we expect from you in the future?

Juli: Oh, this is fun. What’s possible for me on a personal level is a lot more freedom.  Continued freedom from the people-pleasing and the perfectionism game.  My personal growth journey that I’m continuing is something that I’m really excited about. What I’m looking forward to in terms of the business and creating impact is a very focused core business that is very limited in terms of how many people so that we can go deep, and I can pour into them.

The space and capacity to write books, and speak on stages, continue the podcast, and potentially do something with this musical singing thing that God’s put in me that I know I’m supposed to do something with. So, what exactly that’s gonna look like, I have no idea.

It’s being unattached to the outcomes. But I see books and I see stages and I see continuing to create broader impact. It’s so fun to be able to own that and say I know those dreams have been put in me for a reason and they’re not about me but I get to go and do it and I get to go be light. I get to go and inspire people. I get to go be vulnerable and create a world that’s more empathetic, equitable, and compassionate where more people are living in their power.

Original source: https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/research-papers/personal-coaching-journey/