#but s5 will be even more intense I fear

[chirpsythismorning]

Article headline will be like 10 Moments that Hinted at Will’s Feelings for Mike in Stranger Things and over half are quotes from Mike

[goldenavenger02]

Ninjago prompts you say? (Also feel better soon!)

Hmmmm I'm in an S5 mood (tbf I'm almost always in S5 mood) sooo:

How about Cole and Lloyd dealing with Cole's ghost ness after S5?

(After all Lloyd likely developed a reflexive fear of ghosts... Primarily their touch... Pair that with Cole's big bro hugs vibes and it's extra spicy angst)

The other one would essentially create an AU, but it's extra angsty:

Kai hits possessed Lloyd with his aeroblade, thus performing a very rough surprise exorcism

Thank you for the well wishes! I went with the first prompt and it's not as angsty as I would have liked, but I hope you enjoy regardless!

“Cole.” Kai opened the door of the empty cabin where Cole was now staying aggressively, letting it hit the side of the wall.

“Kai, it’s…” Cole shook his head before he said the time out loud.

He knew it was late, Kai knew it was late, everyone was supposed to be asleep by now even if he was given the exception due to not needing it any more, it was still his alone time.

“I know, I know,” Kai insisted, “I just…I need your help with something, in the kitchen. Now.”

“I swear, if you blew something up…” Cole didn’t finish his threat as he followed behind Kai’s fast footsteps to the kitchen, only to stop dead in his tracks when he saw Lloyd sitting at the kitchen island in a dining chair, his head resting on his folded arms.

He pulled his eyes away from Lloyd to look back at Kai, who was searching through the medicine cabinet at a breakneck speed, “what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything,” Kai insisted as he put the thermometer and the box of disposable covers on the counter before turning away from Cole again, “he woke me up, said his ears were hurting and when I got out of bed to see if I could find the Tylenol, turns out he has a fever so bad that I can feel the heat radiating off of him.”

“You sure that’s not just a fire powers thing?” Cole asked, desperately wanting to take a step closer to Lloyd, to see if his temperature was as intense as Kai said but he refrained. It had only been a few weeks since they defeated Morro, the last thing he wanted was to make Lloyd more jumpy.

“There it is!” Kai shouted while pulling the Tylenol out of the spice cabinet, resulting in a soft groan from the island.

Cole had to keep fighting the urge to reach over and rest his ghostly hand on Lloyd’s back.

Kai triumphantly deposited his findings on the counter and the tylenol bottle, the glass of water and the thermometer all made sense, but the faded prescription bottle made Cole reach forward and examine it, trying to find a label only to be met with defeat.

“Kai, what the hell is this?” Cole asked, shaking the orange bottle with the pills inside, “you can’t just give Lloyd random medication.”

“I know that,” Kai huffed as he fitted the probe cover over the thermometer, “those are Lloyd’s, from his last ear infection.”

“First off, how the actual fuck did you read that with how dyslexic you are,” Cole questioned with another squint at the faded label, “and secondly, he hasn’t had an ear infection in like, a year at least.”

“Tryin’ to poison me.” Lloyd muttered as he lifted his head off of his arms with a smirk on his pale face, which Cole had to stifle a laugh at Kai’s scowl.

“You woke me up. I was sleeping peacefully and everything,” Kai flicked the thermometer on, “sit up so you don’t choke on this.”

Lloyd did as he was told, letting Kai slip the thermometer between his lips which allowed Cole to finally get a good look at what they were working with.

Lloyd’s eyes were glassy and also drooping shut with what Cole could clearly see was exhaustion, his cheeks were bright pink with fever but the rest of his face was pale in the dim light of the kitchen.

“Kai, a word,” Cole demanded, pulling Kai up from the dining room chair he had pulled in for himself and walking over to the other side of the room, “what did you need me for? You know how to do this stuff by yourself.”

“Clearly not, I nearly gave Lloyd old antibiotics,” Kai offered a quick smile but it faded from his face as quickly as it came, “look, I know yours and Lloyd’s friendship is a bit strained right now, but I thought-”

“That you should confront his fear while he has a fever and is exhausted out of his mind?”

“Okay, okay, I’ll admit, bad idea,” Kai rubbed a hand over his face, “I didn’t think that through, but everyone else is asleep or in Zane’s case, powered off for the night. You were already awake and I needed someone to…to make sure I didn’t screw up and, if it would mean Lloyd wasn’t scared of your, um, new form-”

“Yeah, I get it,” Cole sighed, “but First Master, you need all of your sleep because you are worse than Jay right now,” he ignored Kai’s angry “hey!” and walked back over to the island as Lloyd pulled the beeping thermometer out of his mouth.

“How high is it?” 

“I’m not boiling my brains out of my ears.” Lloyd’s voice was hoarse as he turned the digital thermometer to Cole and Kai, the display reading an even one hundred.

“Yep, that’s probably an ear infection,” Cole agreed, “we’ll get you to a doctor tomorrow, okay?” Lloyd nodded and rested his head on his folded arms again.

“Hey, you need to take this,” Kai reached forward to poke Lloyd’s elbow to which he held out a hand, “First Master, sit up for more then two minutes.”

“So bossy,” Lloyd muttered as he sat up before taking the glass and pills from Kai, “I’m sick, you know.”

“Who woke who up?”

“Touché.” He swallowed the pills and set the empty glass on the island. 

Kai stood up and took to the sink to wash quickly, returning with a damp cloth which he handed to Lloyd. “Hold that against the back of your ear.”

Lloyd complied, his shoulders relaxing almost instantly as he rested his free elbow on the island.

“Still got it,” Kai gloated, Cole responded by rolling his eyes, before the fire ninja turned back to Lloyd “Hey, greenie. Cole said I’m really stupid without all of my sleep.”

“He’s not wrong.”

“Hellspawn.”

“Hothead.”

“Not the point,” Kai pinched the bridge of his nose, trying his best to avoid an insult war at…now that Cole thought about it, he had no idea what time it was, “I’m gonna go to bed, and Cole’s gonna stay with you till your Tylenol kicks in. Is that okay?”

Cole swallowed when he saw Lloyd look up at him with a mix of feverish and worry in his green eyes before looking back down at the island.

“Kai, I’m not sure if-” he was cut off by Kai’s glance, his very insistent glance, so Cole mustered up the courage to look Lloyd in the eyes, “up to you, kid.”

“That’s fine,” Lloyd agreed after a beat of silence before looking right at Kai, a smile on his face, “you need all the sleep you can get.”

“You’re a real menace to society, you know that?” Kai insisted before walking over to wrap his arm around Lloyd’s shoulder, whisper something in his ear and pat him on the back before exiting the room.

The only sound to be heard after that was the soft buzzing of the fridge.

Cole couldn’t pry his eyes away from Lloyd, who was just holding the warm cloth to his ear to try and ease the pain but also Lloyd, who was terrified of him; he had been too slow, and because of it, he was going to lose his little brother.

“I can’t do this.”

“Do what?” Lloyd questioned, looking up at him.

“I can’t…I can’t pretend that this is normal, that everything is fine, that I’m not-”

“A ghost?” Lloyd supplied and that was it, Cole couldn’t hide it anymore, Cole couldn’t lie to everyone anymore and say that everything was fine.

Because his friends were alive and he was stuck longing for what once had been.

“You’re allowed to not want me around,” Cole insisted, waiting for the tears that wouldn’t come because he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t produce his new death sentence, “after what you went through, I’m not gonna be mad-”

“I don’t want to,” Lloyd cut him off, stunning him into silence, “I don’t want to be scared of you. You didn’t hurt me, you had nothing to do with…all of this.”

Cole sighed. He knew Lloyd was right; if anyone else was awake, they would also know that Lloyd was right and yet…Cole still couldn’t bring himself to get close to him, to pull him into the tight hug that he so desperately needed.

If he moved too quickly and made Lloyd flinch or worse, scream, he would never be able to forgive himself.

“Why aren’t you scared of me?” Cole finally asked, watching as Lloyd frowned the exact same way his father used to, like he was a carbon copy of their former sensei.

“Because you’re not him.”

Cole couldn’t help but let out a yelp of surprise as Lloyd abandoned the wet cloth to stand up and wrap his arms tightly around Cole.

He immediately did the same to Lloyd, feeling him nestle his head against his shoulder like he always did. 

‘At least some things can stay normal.’

[grim-work]

i haven’t even seen all or most of her episodes but the darkness was such a wasted concept. she just does generic evil shit. she’s supposed to be the opposite of god, the biblical god, the opposite of creation. imagine if they ran with that. imagine if sam and dean get word she’s been in a town and head out to find her, but then get lost and come to find the town isn’t on any maps anymore. it’s gone from signs and books. the people there aren’t dead, they’ve ceased to be. she has undone them. she doesn’t kill, she extinguishes. they meet someone who can’t return to their home or family because all trace of it has been erased. she spares dean once and plays on his intense suicidal ideation because she could do him one better - she could let him fulfill the promise he made to his mother back in s5, to be never born and fine with it, she could undo him and nobody would ever think to miss him. she tempts sam by implying she could do the same to lucifer - no more fear of a being that never was. she could undo all of history if she wanted, truly lay siege on everything her brother ever did by not destroying it, which leaves some record of what he did, but simply evaporating it. think how cool the actual opposite of creation could have been

[new-ronantics]

Wait wait wait so Mike not saying 'I love you' is supposedly because he is scared of El not needing/loving him anymore...Finn said their conflict and its resolution this season was supposed to reflect on 'all of [Mike's] relationships'...me@the Duffer brothers: so you agree? Mike not hugging Will at the airport is an intentional nod to the magnitude of his fear of losing Will being more intense than his other friends, ie. an avoidance of deeper feelings that you've set up to be resolved?

OHOHO… yes anon so true… it’s impossible to deny el and will are being set up as the two people mike constantly has trouble balancing in his life. interesting…?

plus, you don’t have to do any groundbreaking analysis to realize that mike’s behavior at the airport just doesn’t make sense if his feelings for will aren’t a huge part of his internal conflict. if you take the airport scene at face value and assume mike really was just afraid of “losing” el or not being “needed” by her (something that was never even remotely implied in vol 1, might i add), you realize his shitty behavior towards will is never properly addressed/explained.

this can only mean that this is a conflict that’s supposed to be carried into s5. mike and el are clearly not smooth-sailing by the end of s4, and it seems like mike and will are only growing closer, which is a… telling situation, given s5 is the final season.

i think my point is getting away from me a bit, but what im trying to say is: byler endgame!!!

[bugsbenefit]

ST is much more inspired by Stephen King than we tend to acknowledge and i mean MUCH more

Warning: Major spoilers for Firestarter by Stephen King (also Carrie, IT and the Talisman but only teeny tiny one's)

some parallels on the show get talked about a lot, especially with how the writers are very vocal about them/them getting verbally mentioned in the show:

IT, by Stephen King, for example, gets constantly referenced in ST. it's an aesthetic inspiration: small town, townsfolk doesn't know about the HorrorsTM, kids riding around on bikes taking it into their own hands etc. they also took massive inspiration for Vecna and his visions -> classic Pennywise move. but even more specific things, like the balloons at the snowball exploding in blood, or the painting plot of receiving a love confession that gets attributed to the wrong person, are IT plot points

also easy to catch is, the Talisman, by Stephen King, since it gets read out loud by the end of s4. it will for sure somehow play into s5. even just with it's main premise being two worlds that are identical mirrors of each other and having to defeat the evil on the other side to save your own

those two parallels are obvious. but as someone who read Way too much Stephen King growing up, those two are not the only two works that were referenced heavily in the writer's room

for example: Carrie has crazy parallels to ST, especially El and Henry and the concept of powers as a whole. a really quick rundown of themes that get reflected in ST or even incorporated to some degree: (short, because i'll make an actual in depth post on this when i finally find the time to reread it properly)

the religious imagery and fanatic religious followers, the way powers seem to work to begin with (with negative vs. positive emotion as their source playing a big role), the way people respond to the powers (fear, attributing them to a demonic source, isolation as both punishment And a breaking point for Carrie) her relationship with her mother (an abusive parent), bullying tying into powers, and of course, Carrie's main rampage the book is famous

BUT. what i think is one of the biggest parallels on the show for how obvious it is -> the lab and El as a whole are 1000% inspired by Firestarter. i'm so serious it's not even a small reference. it's literally the exact same in large parts

the parallels of ST to Firestarter are absolutely Insane so to show how OH it is, here's the general plot summary of Firestarter (spoilers):

a couple takes part in an experiment while in college because they need the money. (can't remember if it was MKultra explicitly or just implied but yeah, it's MKultra) as a side effect of the substances and hallucinogenics (LSD) they were given the mother develops minor telekinetic powers and the dad has some form of mind persuasion abilities afterwards. they go home with the money, however, get continuously observed by the organization to monitor any additional effects but then they have a daughter who has Big psychic powers because of the tests done on them. the organization who did the original experiment finds out and tries to take the girl. (the mom dies as the husband and child manage to flee) long story short, after being on the run for a while, the daughter gets taken by the men and locked up in a lab facility. where she's confined to a room, has guards that keep her from leaving, and has to participate in "tests" where scientists try to figure her powers out. especially intense though is the director of the organization, who becomes obsessed with her and her powers while at the lab, the man, who was hired to kidnap her in the first place, now takes interest in her and assumes the identity of a worker in the facility, a janitor, to appear more harmless and get access to her. he manages to gain her trust with this disguise and convinces her to actually demonstrate her powers, which have become incredibly powerful and destructive after some HorrorsTM she witnessed prior later she manages to escape the facility when her dad shows up to get her back. however the "janitor" claiming to be her friend kills her father which causes her to express powers on a level never seen before with which she kills both the "janitor" in disguise and the obsessed organization leader (while also having almost everyone present in the building die as a result of her exploding it and any military vehicle approaching as she escapes) PS: she and her dad hide out from the organization in an old abandoned cabin of his in the woods for an extended period of time PSS: the book ends with her going to a newspaper and planning to reveal what has been going on at the lab to blow their cover and get them to finally stop hunting her down

it's LITERALLY THE LAB. IT IS. it's one of THE most obvious parallels in ST imo and i'm shocked i've never seen Anyone bring it up (also need to reread the book soon and make a longer post about it because there's SO much there) but this is literally the conception and later downfall of the lab in s1-2. and now with s4 it even covers some of the general conditions there with the tests and guards and Henry and. just. hhh. it's the SAME. Brenner, Henry, Hopper, Terry, and El are all in this book

also fun fact: the book is called Firestarter bc the girl is able to, duh, start fires. but it later turns out that her powers actually Aren't just pyrokinesis. she has general powers (very similar to Carrie). the fires only happen because of the insane energy levels she's able to channel, they're just the Side product. she can also just use normal telekinesis -> even robs an airport coin telephone at one point (El stealing is fun Hopper and Will let's commit fraud Byers would be proud of her)

Stephen King books like IT and Carrie seem like obvious inspirations for some elements of ST. but Firestarter especially is such an obvious inspiration and for Sure the blueprint of Hawkins lab it's not even funny. Stephen King in general seems to be a BIG influence on ST as a whole which makes sense with the way the Duffers talked about him before...

but i'm so serious, when i say Stephen King is probably the place where you'll consistently find The Most ST references and spoilers for future plot points, i MEAN it

[skell3]

RP Muse: Jonathan Sims

I figured I may as well start with Jon.

I enjoy playing him pre Season 5. Kind-of aware and understanding to a degree, but not yet seen the full horrors the world has to offer him, yet. I could write him at just about any timeline, and I do actually have an idea for an 'Epilogue' Jon... but I haven't written him any at all.

It's a bit long, so most of the details are under the line. This is mostly just how I imagine him in my head as I write him.

Jonathan Sims stands at about 5'4" with long, curly hair. It is dark brown with salt-and-peppered in whites and grays, especially at his temples. He wears glasses that he doesn't always need, and he has warm brown eyes. Around his pupils is a halo of glowing green, as if a light were beaming out from within. Thin, but with wide bony shoulders, he seems rather frail and could be easily mistaken as a man in his later 30's, though he is more likely to be in his late 20's, if not very early 30's.

Scars from all his encounters litter his body, including: cuts from various persons, pockmark like circles from the worms, a burnt hand from Jude Perry and fainter marks from the rubble of having been within a building as it was being blown up. None of them seem particularly out of the ordinary, other than the fact that he has so many and where he got them from. Work attire tends to be button-up shirts, sweater-vests and fitted pants. His casual wear actually tends to be looser things, like skirts and wider-leg pants. Most clothes look oversize on him, so he sort-of goes with the theme, wearing rather large sweaters in the winter and only keeping his more fitted wear for outings and job stuff. He keeps his hair pulled back into either a ponytail or a bun most of the time, so it's pretty rare for him to let it down, even at home. Jon lives in a small flat on his own, after having to move out of his prior one and all that. It's a 1 bedroom with a tiny kitchen and his living room doubles as an office. If he could keep plants alive, he would have a couple, but as it is the place is sparse in the way of furniture and personal items, most of which are still in boxes and tucked off to the side. He spends more time at the institute than at home, so there really hasn't been a lot of time to get settled in. Plus, he half expects to not be there long, just in case more stuff happens.

As an avatar of the Eye, Jon has more than glowy eyes of his own marking his connection to his Fear. His shadow sometimes also possesses eyes, usually when he is Looking at someone or something. This includes some of the shadows of his hair, especially if he's got it in a pony tail or down, which almost gives him a sort-of halo'd effect. The glow of his eyes also grow more intense, and when he's using what 'full power' he has, they go completely green and intense. Aside from all the basic information about him (I'm sure he fits a general line of how people think of Jon), I've primarily written Jon in an RP with a friend that has a sort-of open Multiverse setup. We've got the 'now' (Pre-S5) team, we've got some years ago with Gertrude and Gerry around, and an older group with Eric Delano and Michael Shelley and stuff, so. Pretty open with interacting with just about any character- The Institute is pretty weird and just about anyone could show up one day.

[daltonblaine]

i often see people say blaine cheating was out of character, but i think it wasn't. i mean, maybe a bit, but it makes sense in context. i think he really though they were over. kurt did promise to stay in contact and he didn't much and when they talked he wasn't really listening. and in the promise ring scene (i consider it canon bc it should never have been deleted) when blaine is listing out all the ways he shows his love to kurt he specifically promises to always pick up the phone. now, as a fellow autistic, i can very much understand how blaine would interpret being ignored based on those things being pre-established. if someone changed the play on me like that, even for valid reasons, i too would feel completely in freefall

i think what caught people so off-guard about blaine cheating was that it’s immense departure from the guy we were expecting to see in s4. if s3 exposed the cracks in the dreamy prince type we see with s2 blaine, s4 absolutely shattered it. while i think 4x04’s writing is a little weak overall, i kind of vibe with this idea of blaine’s spiral being impulsive infidelity — it’s destructive: not only for kurt, but also for blaine (mentally, emotionally, physically) so yeah i agree !! i definitely wouldn't be able to dismiss that whole arc as blaine just being ooc

that being said i don't think blaine thought he & kurt were over when he cheated (although there IS a line in 5x01 that implies blaine says he did it because of that reason?? so confusing) because he flies to new york to confess to kurt Right After he does it, so he evidently felt guilty & immediately regretted it (and blaine tells sam as much)

honestly i’m not really interested in finding reasons why blaine cheating is excusable since at the end of the day he WAS With Another Guy. but i think there's something interesting about the miscommunication & broken promises... the box scene is a pretty good example, and there's another scene in dance with somebody, whose entire conflict was about blaine being afraid kurt would leave him behind. kurt promises that won’t happen, but that promise is more difficult to keep when kurt’s actually in new york. blaine, already in a fragile place, feels abandoned and that his fears from the year before are coming true (i agree with you re: the autistic thing it's the same with me LOLL)

i personally chalk it up to the cheating being an extremely impulsive decision he made in an irrational moment of really intense emotions; i feel like we see this a little bit throughout the show (i.e. blaine lying to kurt about the showcase for No Reason homeboy just did that for funsies 😭)

BUT STILL i wish we got a little more insight into his brain throughout this whole thing in terms of Why, especially since we got that line from s5 puppet master that was blaine saying to kurt puppet "i think i can finally forgive you now"... so after sorting out his guilt and getting forgiveness from kurt, there's this implication that he feels like kurt was a little at fault too, which is INTERESTING (and i'm inclined to agree) but it's never mentioned or discussed again . so

[spoodersrus]

thinking about our planet.

i'm so fixated on stranger things bc it showcases everything that goes on in my mind every moment of the day.

it's so much about hate and darkness trying to take over the world. and succeeding. no matter what you do, no matter what plan you come up with, it keeps spreading. it hits back so hard. you know it's possible to find the light, but the dark is so pervasive. you know you have to keep fighting. its that or death. the losses are devastating. the wins are short-lived. the battle seemingly never ending. the exhaustion building as each fight increases in intensity, and each time feeling that this could be the fight that ends it all.

knowing that love must be the answer, but not knowing how to reach it. brutally losing the love you find. being reminded of it at every new wound. people being out to get you for all the wrong reasons. them wanting you to drag you down to hell with them to be even more miserable than they are. the division. the seething murderous rage all around. evil intentions disguised behind a helpful demeanor. the inner battles. the reality that the biggest evil in the world is non-acceptance, individual focused power, bigotry, and the destruction it leads to. the fear of facing our own shadows that makes some turn against everyone else around them instead.

need s5 to see some light. need to see them overcome the collective shadow that inhabits our planet, and exists inside all of us. against all odds. i need to see them win!!

[m0tel6mxzzy]

I know you reblogged that Choni gifset days about, but Cheryl didn't fake thinking her brother was alive to scare Toni? She was brainwashed in a cult into thinking she was talking to Jason, when it was actually just his body, and she spiraled/had a mental breakdown and continued to talk to his body. She did try to make Toni think Jason's spirit was haunting the house when Toni tried to get rid of him before she was ready for an ep, but it was not fake, she was mentally ill.

anon i’m so sorry that season was wild i literally just remember cheryl admitting to gaslighting toni and in general that was just a dark era for choni shippers bc toni was like, not allowed to speak whatsoever

literally i forgot what happened that season all i do remember is toni being scared for cheryl’s mental health and then cheryl once she fooled her weird estranged relatives, admitting she was fine? like also faking a suicide too considering at one point she was actually suicidal but most of these antics being to get her estranged family to leave thornhill and stop taking it over. like i swear i’m not pulling this out of my ass correct me on anything i haven’t seen the show in a while after s5

like i believe riverdale has since improved in its representation of mental illness but more particularly w betty than cheryl, but also there were times betty and cheryl who were clearly untreated in their mental illness symptoms (intense fear of abandonment, despair, anxiety, intense anger etc,) were kinda,,, revered for it? like the whole “dark betty” thing was betty’s anger issues not being treated and posing harm to herself and others. and then there were times i felt cheryl was incredibly toxic and hostile toward toni in their relationship, but this was because cheryl had no mental health resources and toni was her only source of support, but that,,, the answer ras gave was having toni literally only in the show w nay a syllable uttered unless cheryl is also in a scene w her, until vanessa morgan said something along w the pay gap

like that time toni admitted to feeling suffocated in thornhill bc she felt like she could never leave or be independent, then cheryl lashed out at her even tho it’s been explained since the pilot that cheryl is both a product of her environment and has gone thru immense trauma of losing jason so young and having no adequate parental figures. like in a lot of ways even accidentally, toni relying on cheryl just for shelter just puts her in a dangerous situation is kinda an example of what can occur in a toxic relationship w uneven power balances. like i think choni was set up in a way where ppl who aren’t the closest can form beautiful, healthy relationships w a little effort but that choni was somehow cheated?????

[searidings]

....🥺 can you please tell us more about that season 5 alternate ending where andrea ends up using the dagger pretty please, just like who does she end up hurting and the others reaction? if only you want to of course !

hooookay this ask got me to open that wip for the first time in a year and actually it's not that far from being complete! but idk how to finish it and i feel like i've done the s5 conflict resolution thing in multiple fics now like how many is too many? i fear i may have hit that limit. BUT since you asked, here is the beginning of it. please note:

1) this thing is angsty and also it's unfinished, so read at your own peril

2) because i wasn't ever expecting to finish/publish it, i've recycled bits of description from it into other fics. so if you see stuff i've repeated elsewhere no you don't <3

-

The last thing Lena sees is a flash like dark shadow pass over Andrea’s eyes, before a kryptonite dagger slides between her ribs.

The sound she emits is less of a scream and more of a surprised squeak as she sinks to the ground.

If you want to get to Supergirl, you’re gonna have to go through me.

It’s not that she hadn’t believed Andrea would do it. Lena was under no illusion of safety when she placed herself between Supergirl and the glowing green rock in Andrea’s hand. She’d come to terms with the possibility of dying for Kara long ago.

What she hadn’t been able to prepare for was the pain. The abstract of sacrifice was all well and good, but. Reality, this searing epicentre, a point of white hot agony turned molten, seeping through her body. No amount of her mother’s decorum training had prepared her for this.

Something is filling her mouth, thick and dark and oozing. She can’t scream. Kara sits, eyes silver, a world away. Kara. Lena has to move. She can’t. Andrea steps over her, and is that the pounding of receding footsteps or the dogged beat of Lena’s heart? Either way, it’s slowing. Every inhale cracks her body down the centre, each exhale buries shards of glass inside the gaping wound.

Her eyes are beginning to mist at the edges but she strains, listens. The sound that cuts through the haze is not the scream she dreads, Kara’s agony as her veins sear emerald. It’s not a scream, but a shout, and then a blur passes over her like light and shadow.

Concrete cracks, or perhaps it’s Lena’s ribs. Sounds are muffled now, the world dulled down like the inside of a snow globe. Underwater, time passes sluggishly to where she lies, drifting, encased in glass. But someone is fighting the current, resisting the pull. Hands grasp her shoulders, burning where they touch. Through the rolling fog comes Kara’s face, blurring out in red and blue and gold and sickly green. Lena wants to push her away, keep her separate from the venomous substance protruding from her chest, keep her untainted. But Kara’s hands are dancing there-away along her cheeks, her jaw, Lena’s own name sounding from her lips over and over, a siren song, calling her home. It’s raining now, wet spots peppering her brow, or maybe the sun is crying.

“Lena, Lena,” Kara is saying. It sounds like her heartbeat and she cannot bear for it to stop.

“Kara,” she manages, a whisper, a prayer.

Her face flashes within Lena’s line of sight for one perfect moment, and is she green-tinged or is it Lena’s failing vision? A shiver passes through the air between them, I’m sorry fluttering like a bloodstained white flag but whether it falls from her own lips or another’s, Lena cannot say. Then a sudden pressure at her ribs, a heavy push and release that feels like salvation and damnation all at once.

Lena hears a scream, two screams, billions. She is left gaping, open and exposed. Invaded by the air and exalted by the sticky-sweet blush of her own blood, her body purging itself. Through the slick of gathering crimson her head rolls to the side, darkness pressing in around her, eyes blazing with the final image of a limp hand on the ground beside her, veins shot through with glowing green.

-

For a long time, there is only darkness. The deepest blackness she has ever known, all-encompassing. Devouring light, thought, feeling. Lena floats, tethered to her own existence only by the pressing weight of the dark, closing in until the end of the world.

Slowly, sensations begin to blur in and out. Cold, a deadening flow, hooking into her very marrow and stripping her from the inside out. She drifts, and then there’s heat, scorching, radiating out from her ribs in scalding waves, and she wishes for numbness.

For a moment, Lena thinks she sees the star-burst of veins behind her eyelids, but then they are gone and all is black again. Sound fragments filter through her peripheral awareness. A great noise, banging and shouting and exploding. She slips back under.

Vibrations reach her, but they must be sounds because Lena no longer has a body with which to feel them. She floats, untethered, sinking beneath the surface of a dark ocean so vast it surely cannot know she’s there. In the deep, voices flicker.

“Haven’t you heard that you’re supposed to leave the knife in? She’s minutes from bleeding out.”

The blackness turns to blood around her, not vibrant red but sticky dark, the kind so loaded with the very force of someone’s life that it moves slowly, crawls under the weight of it, sucking light from all it touches.

“Her veins were green, Alex.”

An eternity passes.

She dreams of her mother, dark hair fanning behind her as she cuts through the still waters of the lake. The scene is calm, but the growing dread means Lena knows what’s coming and suddenly it’s not her mother but Kara before her, and the lake isn’t clear but radioactive, glowing green, and still Lena stands at the shore and watches her slip away, helpless.

Words float through the haze and Lena wishes she could reach out, grasp them, weigh them in her hands to know the truth behind them. Radiation and poisoned and flared and gone, the sounds making physical shapes in the darkness. She thinks of a child, two dark-haired children, of hours spent pouring over a dictionary. A cruel laugh when she got a definition wrong, grudging silence when she got it right. How she wishes now to be wrong, to mishear, a stay of judgment on the world these words conjure into being. But the focus is gone, and she slips away again.

“—whatever you have to do! Or so help me, I’ll—”

Though Lena is nothing now, just an exhale in the wind, she smiles. Warmth blooms, the blackness not crushing but caressing for a moment, and she drifts into memories of happier times.

A million years pass, a billion. Lena is upside down, and right way up, and no way up at all. If she still had a face, she might feel the pressure of a warm forehead against her own. If she still had hair, the imprint of lips pressed gently against it might still ache. If she hadn’t burned every meaningful bridge in her life in the year before her death, she might believe the trick of a whisper wrapping on the breeze, words of comfort, of promise.

But she had, so she doesn’t, and time collapses in on itself as Lena watches, motionless and alone.

-

Though she has always been nowhere, she can feel herself drifting further and further from the last thing that might just resemble a somewhere. The eons slow. If she were a doctor, Lena thinks, then this would be the time to make herself comfortable. To say her goodbyes.

She cannot look at blackness any longer, cannot bear the glowing green after-image that seems to stick to every corner and edge. She thinks of blue, of rain-washed skies and Kara’s eyes, conjures it into being with every fibre she has left. Wraps herself up in it, plunges headfirst, drowns.

“Like it matters!” Kara says, no, shouts, from somewhere far above and below her. Lena would flinch, if only she still had a body. The voice rings out through the void. “Like any of it matters now.”

Lena is privately inclined to agree. She tries to breathe, but the full weight of the universe, of every universe, presses in. As everything, even the blackness, dulls, there emerges a crushing, cracking suffocation, and Lena wonders why she can’t even die in peace. A high-pitched scream, maybe hers, maybe Kara’s, maybe her mother’s, maybe the world’s, stretching out before her like a pathway. Though there’s no doubt where it ends, Lena almost wants to follow it, if only to escape this sensation of being crumbled, submerged, denied life as its very essence is wrung from her being.

And then a hundred trillion bolts of lightning shoot through her at once, and Lena is gone.

-

When she wakes, she wakes secure in the knowledge that she must be alive. Sure that the pain that had burst through her, blighted every nerve with an agony so intense she feels its phantom grip even now, could only lead back to life. Sure that no departure could hurt that much.

When she wakes, it is through cracked, dry eyes to the sight of pipes and ceiling vents, the bland, industrial grey that can only denote underfunded government property.

When she wakes, Kara is standing at the foot of her bed, hands behind her back and looking every inch the righteous hero, and Lena’s unsteady heart sinks. She’s been on the receiving end of this authoritative pose more than enough for one lifetime. At least her hands aren’t on her hips.

But Kara’s eyes brighten as they meet Lena’s fluttering gaze. “Lena.” Quiet, reverential. “How are you feeling?”

Lena takes stock. Alive, to begin with. Every limb still intact. Aside from an unnerving constriction in her chest and the fact that her blood feels a little like it’s burning her cells as it courses through her veins, it could certainly be worse.

When she speaks her voice is hoarse, cracking. “What happened?”

The same darkness creeps into the edges of her vision as she listens to Kara list the extent of the damage. She presses her lips together, willing away the blackness, registering only snippets.

Stab wound. Kryptonite poisoning. Collapsed lung. Cardiac arrest. Resuscitation.

Leviathan, gone. Andrea, captured. Lex, escaped.

The words wash over her like a freezing tide, and Lena wonders if maybe the darkness had been easier after all.

It takes far longer than it should for her to realise that the room has fallen silent. Kara is watching her, concern etched into her features like tears carving through stone.

Lena swallows as best she can. “And you?”

A corner of Kara’s mouth quirks up. “I’m fine. Thanks to you.”

But she doesn’t look fine. She looks exhausted, her face drawn, blue eyes lacking their characteristic shine. Even her hero’s stance can’t mask the fatigue weighing heavy on her shoulders.

But Lena doesn’t have the strength to argue the point. She rolls her head to the side, joints popping and releasing, noticing for the first time the tangle of IV lines threading into her skin. She lifts her other hand to touch them, feels the warning tug of more needles even as Kara steps forward, arms raised as if to stop her.

Her hands reach toward Lena, or at least, the spaces where her hands should be. Huge white dressings swaddle Kara from the wrists down, so bulky they do not resemble hands at all. Lena’s breath catches in her lungs as she takes in the unwieldy bandages, third degree burns and possible nerve damage echoing through her mind and she understands now why Kara had hidden them behind her back.

The inhale she aims for seems to stick in her ribs and she can feel again the crushing, the cracking, the dizzying lack of oxygen as her head spins. Kara is by her side in an instant, radiating warmth and just breathe, Lena, it’s okay, a comforting weight settling against her hip. Lena thanks the thick blanket for blurring the press of rough bandages where there should be warm skin, softening it into something just nondescript enough to be calming.

When her pounding pulse has slowed, the heart monitor downgrading to a less frenetic beat, she sucks in a breath despite her lungs’ protestation, waits for her vision to clear. Kara is still there, and dread opens up in Lena’s chest.

“You— you touched it. The kryptonite. You pulled it out.”

Kara doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. Just nods, her gaze locked on Lena’s own. Lena lies catatonic, paralysed with the knowledge, unable to move even as Alex enters the room. Dimly aware of low words exchanged between the two sisters and then Alex at her bedside, gentler than Lena’s been worthy of seeing her in years. Just rest, Lena, the press of a button on the IV monitor, and she sinks back into oblivion.

[thevoidcannotbefilled]

I had a dream that in TMA there was a well-known but emotionally devastating episode or two where Jon essentially... well I'll try to describe it. He became numb and unfeeling, just unable to really much react to the world. Not in a Lonely sense but rather he could see and feel everything but he couldn't trust anything to be real.

In context this is probably s5, he and Martin got lost and separated in an endless forest domain. It looks like a regular forest but seemingly the most inconvenient one to try to travel.

When Martin found him, Jon couldn't recognize him as real. (And weirdly couldn't even trust his Beholding knowledge that he was real). Eventually, Martin does manage to bring Jon back to himself but it's not pretty. It was sort of like when your leg falls asleep, a numbess and then feeling and connecting to the world all at once. Except it's best described as an explosion of pain, fear, and recognition and just an angry intensity of the Eye's gaze. It's hard to describe just how off it all felt. The intensity of a finding land after years at sea and being so scared that you're angry about it.

However, my dream sorta rewound itself. Bc in the dream, RQ said they added an extra episode between when they get separated and where Martin finds Jon.

Jon is navigating the forest, trying to find Martin. In the original, Martin is doing the same but there's a few more shenanigans and characters he finds along the way. But for Jon, he's all alone. Except he isnt.

Web. Tons and tons and threads of web sticking and connecting to him. Blocking his Beholding and making him confused. He pushes forward angerly but starting to feel a bit scared. He shouts and shouts for Martin as the forest gets darker and less real looking. More twisted by the web. The forest tries to make Jon see fake people and worse even with Beholding he can't tell that they're fake. It's like this microcosm was made to confuse and trap him.

But suddenly he sees Martin. The Beholding tells him this is the real Martin bc of course. Jon tries to call out to him, he's too far away, or maybe something is distracting Martin bc he's moving away from Jon. He fears the worst that whatever is making this Web is making it so Martin can't hear him.

He keeps calling and shouting as the trees start the thin but the web becomes harder to navigate. Until finally they hit a clearing. It's plain almost looks like it would lead to a path and possibly a mine. Martin stands there but is looking away.

Jon runs up to Martin, terrified. He's shaking Martin's shoulder yelling for him to turn around that they Have To Get Out of Here. That he can fix this but Martin just has to turn around.

And he does. But the moment he sees Martin's face the world goes to hell.

He unravels for lack of a better term. The entire world unravels around him. The sky the ground the far away trees. For one second, he sees an empty void where Martin's face should be. In a heartbeat, Every part of him turns to threads and lines and dissolve into the same Web that's kept attaching to Jon this entire time. It attacks him, clings to him. And them everything goes black.

As the world falls apart around him, he only Knows one thing, one message forced straight into his head and becomes his whole reality.

"Everything is a thread"

And he's shaken, numb, untrusting. The idea of threads instead of people and places stuck in his head. This is how Martin actually found him.

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Eddie and the Darkness

We talk a lot about buck feeling like he’s not enough. But eddie has also said that he feels like he’s not enough too.

In the s2 conversation he had with buck during the Christmas ep, eddie confessed that he intentionally extended his tour because he was overwhelmed by fatherhood and being a husband.  In s3 eddie told bobby that he felt like he wasn’t enough for sh*nnon. In that same season he told frank the therapist that he feels emotionally disconnected and unable to be happy. The talks eddie had with mitchell and savanna in s5 are an extension of these emotional beats. Eddie doesn’t want to “screw chris up” by passing along his emotional struggles (”congenital heart failure”). Also, during the 503 breakup with a*a they agreed it’s eddie’s “mess” now and wow he definitely does feel that he’s a total mess.

Feeling unworthy, inadequate, guilty, and ashamed are common themes for eddie that the show is shining brighter light on in s5. Eddie feels bad AND he thinks he is bad. But he generally works hard to cover up those feelings, to not let them show. On more than a few occasions eddie has made it clear that he tends to bury his feelings and push on. He’s doing that. He’s making sure he doesn’t spread his mess around.

I think there’s another layer at work with eddie though that’s intertwined with all of this. When eddie does let his feelings out, almost against his will, it can be intense! 

In the eddie begins flashbacks and also in his early talks with sh*nnon when she tried to come back into their lives, eddie was clearly frustrated and defensive. The two of them had heated arguments about their relationship and about chris on a few occasions. After she asked for a divorce and then died eddie was grief-stricken and super pissed. He caught a highly ooc bad attitude with buck and got in his face. In front of the 118. In public. He was accusatory and adversarial with lena too when he thought she told bobby about his street fighting. I mean - he did legit start cage fighting and almost killed a man.

Basically eddie’s emotions are actually big and they run deep. That’s why self-control is so important to him. It’s not just about anger though! Even love and trust are hard to express, especially in romantic relationships. He had a hard time trusting sh*nnon for incredibly legit reasons. When he finally did trust her enough to repair things and propose again, he had to ask her to not say anything so that he could get the proposal out. He felt betrayed by buck for incredibly legit reasons but after he forgave but and buck apologized again for letting him down, eddie couldn’t let those feelings come back up again because he’d already packed them away. Eddie also had to gear himself up to tell buck about the will. He had to ask buck to not interrupt so he could get it all out because it was so deeply emotional. In general eddie struggles to process and express most of his emotions so he buries them and when he has to dig them up it’s a whole thing!

On top of that, I think he feels so overwhelmed by his emotions that he can’t imagine them not feeling/being overwhelming to others. He feels his emotions are a burden and a danger to him and to others. As I said before this goes beyond anger. Most people who struggle with self-worth are also juggling a combination of guilt, shame, sadness, and anger. Anger can feel easier for a lot of people to express than those other deep dark emotions, but they’re still there beneath the surface weaving the dark. When it’s not about fear of burdening people with his feelings then it’s probably fear of rejection/abandonment. Sh*nnon abandoned him then his parents took away their faith in him as a father then sh*nnon asked for the divorce then buck disappeared into the lawsuit and cut ties with him.

At this point in s5, eddie isn’t talking to buck (or anyone else). My guess is that he feels like his heavy and dark emotions are a burden and he doesn’t want to bring that stuff to buck’s doorstep. He’s happy to drink a beer on the balcony and talk to buck about buck’s problems but he’s very pointedly not talking about his own stuff. He doesn’t want to hurt someone he cares about by dragging them into his darkness. He’d rather drop wisdom and crack jokes with his person, and then settle into the dark hole growing inside of him...alone. The weight is almost too much for him to bear and he has practice so he doesn’t want to drop that on buck. He refuses to burden buck. There is also a not so small part of eddie that feels bearing this horribleness alone is what he deserves. A kind of punishment. Solitary confinement and death row like mitchell. 

I mean - I haven’t even mentioned the shared trauma of the shooting AND the hostage situation and the barely escapable weight of all that pain!

Eddie is doing what he’s always done: soldiering on and sparing the people he loves the intensity, darkness, and weight of his perceived unworthiness and inadequacies. He also probably feels like if he acknowledges those dark feelings, they’ll take him under. Drown him.

What eddie doesn’t know is that shame thrives in the dark. It thrives in what we refuse to admit to ourselves, in what we don’t say out loud to our loved ones. Shame doesn’t go quietly into the nigh because it is the night and it needs our fear of others’ rejection and disapproval and judgement and abandonment to endure. The very thing that eddie is doing to protect himself (isolating) is actually dragging him deeper into the darkness.

In conclusion: eddie may be used to the pain of these difficult emotions but I hate this for him. I want eddie to see that he is loved not in spite of his darkness but because of it. He is allowed to be human and messy and struggling. And he deserves to be loved anyway!!! I want him to open up to his person. To buck. They can help heal one another. I hope that day comes soon because I’m super sad for/with them both right now. Eddie - and buck - deserve happiness!!!

[antigonewinchester]

part 2 of my analysis of the commentary track for 9x16 “Blade Runners.” not under the cut this time since it’s somewhat shorter & isn’t quite as intense as part 1 (linked here).

again, here’s a transcript of the section of the commentary I’m talking about:

BUCKNER: Now a new wrinkle appears, because we’re seeing for the first time a connection between Dean and the First Blade, and it’s really weird for him, he had no idea.
 ROSS-LEMMING: I mean it taps into his— It clarifies for him, or it gives him an indication that, he is— his DNA is that of a killer on some level, he’s fundamentally— I mean who knows, even existentially, if he’s that guy before he got the Mark.
 BUCKNER: And we’ve played with those scenes before, that Dean has sort of a warrior mentality, and this sort of cements the deal.

 SHEPARD: And then we have the parallel between Crowley’s blood addiction and then the possibility of the affect that the Mark, and the blade, are having on Dean.
 BUCKNER: Absolutely, it sets all this up.
 ROSS-LEMMING: I mean, Dean is always at war with himself in this series. To some degree maybe other people have experienced that, obviously Crowley’s going through an episode of that, but I think through the whole series— Sam had the period where he was soulless, and then he had the drinking blood period, but— I always think Dean is fundamentally not comfortable with who he is, he feels guilty or a shame or responsibility, but he’s always at war with his own nature.
 SHEPARD: He always seems to introvert on that as well, he always seems to self reflect rather than put it out there. Sam seems to put it out there a lot more than [Dean]. ROSS-LEMMING: Or Dean goes into these weird— he just goes into denial, he just pushes it to the back burner, [as in] OK, that’s true, but I don’t care. SHEPARD: Which gives Crowley the opportunity to capitalize on that. Of course. ROSS-LEMMING: Because it never goes away, it’s just— lurking somewhere in [Dean’s] psyche, and Crowley can ignite it.

[33:59 - 35:55]

the second big thing is how the writers talk about Dean’s expression of his feelings similarly to the ‘Dean is emotionally repressed’ idea that floats around fandom a lot. I suppose I don’t completely disagree with this characterization, in that Dean can push his feelings down, often because there’s something bigger on the horizon he has to deal with first, but I see that as something different than from being in denial. was Dean really in denial about his grief in s2, his fear in s3, his guilt in s4, his depression in s5 or s7, or did he just not want to talk about it? there’s maybe something to Dean being in denial in s8 (see his thinking Cas must have gotten jumped by a monster instead of having run away in Purgatory, his later false Purgatory memories, & how Dean dealt with Sam and Amelia) but that was from a specific context & trauma and less a part of a larger pattern for him. not that Dean always understands what he’s feeling, but in general, I’d say he has a grasp of what going on, and I see Jensen as playing Dean as emotionally self aware, broadly. also, there’s a difference between denying feelings and not sharing them with others. again, Dean isn’t a perfect communicator, but there are plenty of examples of Dean opening up & articulating pretty well what he’s feeling and why.

I also want to point to a recurring pattern in the show of Dean opening up & sharing his feelings and then being told his feelings are wrong or bad, in one form of another. which is understandable in that being empathetic & listening to someone can be a difficult thing, but it sure does happen to Dean a lot. there’s how both Sam and Bobby react to Dean’s self-loathing in s2 & s3, there’s how early s5 handled Dean’s lack of trust in Sam, there’s the whole running thing in s7 where Dean tries to talk about how bad he feels and Bobby, Frank, etc. who shut him down, there’s Dean being upset with Cas in 8x22 and Sam then telling Dean to go easy on him. (brief detour: what does it mean to “go easy” on someone when they beat you half to death & then left without a real explanation? there’s also an interesting analysis as to why Sam wants Dean to go easy on Cas and how Sam views Dean’s feelings.)

I suppose the occam’s razor is that the show does see Sam’s “putting out his feelings” as the more emotionally mature option, versus Dean’s playing his cards close to his chest. feels quite telling to me that Ross-Lemming describes Dean not talking about what he’s feeling as “weird.” I just fundamentally disagree with that judgement, both on more general terms - you don’t have to talk out your feelings to be aware of them - and more specifically with Dean. considering the recurring pattern of him opening up and then having his feelings minimized, it makes sense he’d be cagier about his emotions after enough of that.

[anti-catradora-receipts]

I really had to see someone say catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her. And claimed that i "didnt know what abuse was". Well i guess the abuse that ive been through in relationships (platonic and romantic), that has often been like catra/adoras dynamic, wasnt abuse huh. Guess im not an abuse victim after all by that logic

Dear anon,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through. And I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. I really hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

Secondly, I disagree with the person’s statement of “catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her.” That’s false. 

Catra admits to manipulating Adora during the show. And this article talks about manipulation in a relationship and how manipulation is all about power and control. I extracted some parts of the article and placed it right below (within the quotation marks): 

“People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

A manipulators knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively put a stop to it. That said, it is not always easy.”

Next, this article is from the perspective of a victim of abuse after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. The author of the article wanted to better understand their past abusive relationship and shared the insights that they gained from reading the book, ‘Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor’. I feel that the article illustrates in depth the enormous power imbalance between Catra and Adora and I extracted some parts of the article and put it below (within the double quotations): 

“After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, I found myself needing to understand what had happened. Like most people who leave a volatile situation I was, quite simply, unable to process and articulate what was wrong. Apart from being incredibly vulnerable, I was also just too close to my own situation to see it objectively.

So I decided to read Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor. What I found was a wealth of information confirming what I couldn’t express or even see for myself. Here are some choice insights from the book, as well as some of my own thoughts*:

1. Control is always at the heart of a power game. The need to assert control will usually involve undermining and/or discrediting another to achieve our own ends. For example, we are using power games when we:

bully or intimidate someone into agreeing with our demands;

bait and provoke others through disturbing statements or actions and then claim they’re being over-sensitive/emotional, crazy or irrational (known as gaslighting); 

...

engage in name calling, put-downs, harsh criticism or threats.

2. Manipulators are not concerned with taking responsibility for their decisions/behaviours/feelings. Instead, they create a smokescreen by shifting the focus or blame to others. And consequently, the other party must assume the responsibility for making the situation ‘better’. If the other party is a ‘good’ person, they will comply with whatever demands are issued (peace at any price). As soon as they resist, however, the manipulator is likely to go on the attack.

3. For the receiver, cumulative exposure to such tumult may reduce self-esteem and increase anxiety, resentment and fear. Receivers will experience intense emotional reactions and may end up interpreting these as proof they are selfish, unbalanced, over-sensitive and unreasonable. They may lose their sense of self; either over-compensating to ‘get it right’ and ‘be better’ or even adopting manipulative tactics against others.

...

4. For the receiver, regaining personal power starts with a shift in one’s thinking. More specifically, an acknowledgement that the manipulator must take responsibility for their feelings and behaviours and any future change. It is accepting that the dynamic needs to change and learning to distinguish between real and manufactured guilt. It is constructing and defending boundaries and a willingness to listen to what anger is trying to say. It is the ability to cut through the smokescreen tactics and see the situation clearly. It is the ability to speak one’s truth and articulate one’s feelings. It is honouring the self. And, sometimes, this will mean leaving.

What I learned is that while not everyone who feels inadequate is a manipulator, every manipulator feels inadequate. So do we all, I know. But, what sets manipulators apart is the way they consistently and systematically re-distribute this inadequacy onto others.

...

What I also learned is that by disengaging I was not giving up, but that I was actively saying ‘I am worth more than this’.”

On a personal note, I just wanted to point out some additional reasons I see a huge power imbalance between Catra and Adora:

- The fact that Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora and Catra was not willing to give up her control of Adora.

- The fact that Adora seems to be the one who is constantly scared of Catra. At the present moment, I can only remember two scenes when Catra is scared of Adora: when Adora gets corrupted and attacks Catra at the beginning of White Out (S2E5), and when Adora gives Catra “The Look” at the end of The Portal (S3E6) . In addition, take a look at this scene. Adora honestly believes that Catra is going to kill her:

- The fact that Catra is completely okay with taking away Adora’s power. In the following scene, Catra doesn’t even see Adora as a person but as a tool. Catra literally states that they’ll use the corrupted sword in order to control Adora and use Adora as an advantage for the Horde. Catra even states that she’ll control Adora to kill Adora’s own friends. That is unbelievably sick. Moreover, Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora’s choices and actions. In fact, this scene supports the fact that Catra was completely okay with taking away Adora’s freedom. 

And honestly, there are some stark similarities between the previous scene with Catra and the following scene with Shadow Weaver. Shadow Weaver was ready to take away Adora’s power and use Adora as a tool against the Rebellion. 

I’d also like to point out that what Catra was willing to do to Adora, Horde Prime had actually done to Catra in S5. Catra’s power and freedom was taken away by Horde Prime and Horde Prime controlled Catra to attack Adora. The fact that Horde Prime took away Catra’s power and freedom was cruel and despicable. And the fact that Catra was willing to take away Adora’s power and freedom is cruel and despicable. 

Moreover, Adora ended up with Catra, a person who was perfectly okay with taking away Adora’s freedom and power. 

That is absolutely vile.

Finally I just want to add that my pinned post titled “Catra abused Adora.” has hyperlinks to resources relating to abuse:

- The Emotional Abuse section is reviewed by professionals. 

- The Physical Abuse section is provided by an online mental health service in Australia.

And these resources confirm that Catra emotionally and physically abuses Adora. 

In conclusion, you are right to say that Catra abuses Adora. Again, I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. And I really hope you know that your feelings about Catradora are completely valid. 

I genuinely hope you’re talking care of yourself. Seriously, please make sure you check in with yourself and prioritize some self-care. 

Thank you very much for sharing. ✨

[tvandenneagram]

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power: Catra - Type (cp)6w7

Catra is reactive, insecure and distrustful. Catra desperately wanted to be loved and to have the approval of those around her. She always felt like Adora was the only one who truly understood her.

Catra was difficult to type as I think she has a lot of 8 tendencies, however, I think her motivations are primarily about finding security and stability rather than being powerful. 8s and 6s can be very similar, especially the sx variant of type 6. 8s and sx 6s often use intimidation to protect themselves, however the 6 is more defensive, whereas an 8 is more offensive. I think Catra is aggressive towards others as a defence mechanism and because she wants to ‘prove’ herself. I also think she clearly disintegrates to 3, compared to an 8 which disintegrates to 5. We see her disintegrate to 3 as she becomes fully focused on one goal, destroying the Rebellion and feels like she doesn’t need anyone else. Additionally, I think Catra is definitely a counter-phobic 6 as she seeks out her fears and tries to confront them head on. Furthermore, sx 6s are the most likely variant to be counter-phobic.

At her best, Catra tries to work on her anger issues and finds different ways to express herself (integrating to 9), as we see in s5. She also becomes much more selfless, especially in regards to Adora and is less jealous of the Best Friends Squad.

At her worst, Catra is self-destructive, brutal and will do anything for her goals (disintegrating to 3). Catra is in the unhealthy stages of 6 for the majority of the show, as she feels like she has been abandoned by Adora (the only person who ever cared about her) and is mentally unstable. This leads to Catra doing horrible things, and feeling intense feelings of regret after doing those things. For example, she has nightmares after hurting Entrapta and sending her away, and lashes out whenever Scorpia mentions her. She is also extremely jealous of Bow and Glimmer and their relationship with Adora. 

Catra’s childhood with Shadow Weaver really influenced her personality and explains her actions and motivations. Shadow Weaver openly favoured Adora, while treating Catra horribly. Catra could never do anything right in Shadow Weaver’s eyes, leading to Catra always feeling like she needed her approval. 6s often crave the approval of authority figures, even if they treat them badly. For example, when Catra defeats Shadow Weaver and takes her place as Hordak’s Second-in-Command, she still kept Shadow Weaver in prison and visited her because she wanted validation from her. She also tries to help Shadow Weaver and doesn’t want her to be transferred to Beast Island, leading to Shadow Weaver’s escape.

Catra has intense feelings of betrayal after Adora leaves the Horde and stays in Bright Moon. 6s are often very afraid of abandonment, as it means they are without support and stability. Catra feels abandoned by Adora, leading her to become increasingly unhinged. Then, when Shadow Weaver escapes and chooses Adora over her again, she becomes completely self-destructive and paranoid. All Catra wants is to be loved and trusted by others, however, she has always felt like an outsider and Adora was the only person that ever made her feel like she belonged. 

Catra has trouble letting other people in, especially after Adora leaves the Horde, as we see with her relationship with Scorpia. Scorpia is very caring and sweet towards Catra, while Catra is closed off towards her because she is afraid of being hurt again. She finally starts to be nicer to Scorpia, but shortly after Scorpia leaves her to save Entrapta. This reinforces her belief that she is unwanted and that she doesn’t matter to anyone. 

She shows her wing 7 as she is more expressive with her feelings and impulsive than a 6w5. She is also more energetic and more likely to show her emotions. 

Tri-type: (cp)6w7 - 8w7 - 3w4

Some quotes to describe Catra’s motivations

"Hahaha... So, here's the thing, I've done this. The whole threatening people bit, the intimidation. I've been there, and I just don't care anymore. Some people have a bad day. I've had a bad life. If I want something, it's taken from me. If I win a fight, I lose the war. Threats only work on someone who has something to lose. But me? I’ve already lost it all. And you can't be any good at this, because you just let yourself get distracted... So, what'll it be?"

“Why...Why was I never good enough for you? Really I want to know.”

Double Trouble: “You know it took me a while, but I finally figured out your character.  [As Catra] “You try so hard to play the big, bad villain, but your heart’s never been in it, has it?”  Catra: “What? What are you? Stop. Stop it. Double Trouble: [As Catra] “People have hurt you.”  [as Shadow Weaver] “They didn’t believe in you”  [As Hordak] “They didn’t trust you.”  [As Adora] “Didn’t need you. Left you”  “But did you ever stop to think maybe they’re not the problem?” [As Scorpia] “It’s you. You drive them away, wildcat.”

Adora: “Why are you doing this?” Catra: “Because you left me. And if I don't bring you back, Shadow Weaver’s gonna have my head. So, enough with your weird little identity crisis and let's go home. Or do I need to zap you again?”

Catra: “You always need to play the hero, don’t you?” Adora: “I was only trying to protect you” Catra: “You never protected me, not in any way that would put you in Shadow Weaver’s bad side. Admit it. You love being her favourite” Adora: “That’s not true” Catra: “Oh Yeah? When you left who do you think took the fall for you? Who was protecting me then?”

Shadow Weaver: “I know you're lying. You have to be lying. What happened to Adora? What did you do?” Catra: “What did I do? She left us! She left me! You ever think Adora's not as loyal as you thought?”

Adora: “Catra? Catra, it’s okay, it’s just me. It doesn’t matter what they do to us. You know? You look out for me, I look out for you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other.” Catra: “You promise?” Adora: “I promise”

[you-are-crazy-beautiful]

What is something that you'd like to see on the next seasons? What were your Top 5 scenes and/or dialogues? Who's your favorite character? Why? What's the character you relate to the most? What's your favorite friendship dynamic? What are some of your headcanons for Kieutou? Cashqueens? Instas? Maybe a mix between all three? You don't have to answer all of these questions, you can pick the ones you want to answer to aldhs

Anon, I f*cking love you! 💛😂 These questions are all amazing, so I will answer them all. I'll make separate posts for them 😉

Top 5 scenes:

1. NYE clip 2

I absolutely love the clip itself, but I also remember all the emotions that I felt the 1st time, and they come back everytime I watch it! When the music fades out when Kieu My bumps into Fatou when they're dancing, my heart nearly came out my chest it was beating so hard!😲 The first time Kieu My spoke and was revealed as a Space nerd on screen! Kieu My once again being vulnerable and sharing her dreams while being shy and avoiding eye contact. While Fatou does that signature look with the head tilt🥰 Kieu My calling Fatou 'butch' by mistake😂. The production of the blow torch (I still have so many questions...😅), the hand holding. Kieu My's reaction to the gum in her hair. I got such a fright when they kissed that I screamed out loud! Fatou looking up to space afterwards and the shot of the moon 👌

2. Museum date. I have to. This is one of the best clips of all time. Although, no.2 and no.3 are interchangeable for me. The cute awkwardness at the beginning. The tango under the blue lighting while the audio is talking about young galaxies colliding. The blue and red galaxies colliding when they kiss symbolizing the Ice queen and the warmest person. Kieu My opening up about her different fears and dreams. The bonding over being 3rd generation immigrants. The song and them just messing around! Lieu My saying she likes the person standing in front of her in Vietnamese. The dance and twirl into the kiss paralleling moments in S5. The freaking birthmark throwback!!! I will never be over it! I burst out crying and it was during this I truly realised they were like no other couple before! ❤

3. The reunion/ R+J clip. My galaxy brain predicting this as soon as Mailin posted the IG content of the axolotl 😂

The song 😭 I don't think I've seen a more beautiful clip! The direction of Fatou hiding when she heard Kieu My enter, Kieu My looking at the fish though the hole in the coral and then meeting Fatou's gaze. The vulnerability that Kieu My displays when she looks down avoiding Fatou's gaze and when she looks up, Fatou is just staring at her with confidence and gives a smile and the nod. She's finally secure after her dyscalculia diagnosis and so sure of her and Kieu My. Again, the blue lighting!👌 The line 'love when you laugh because then I see you and how much love there is inside you' is my favourite line in Skam history. The 360 shot of them and running past where they were 1st clip of the season. The happiness and laughter, the explicit consent, the way the sex scene was handled. The whole thing was just stunning!!

4. Gay silence. This clip has it all, tension, cuteness, vulnerable Kieu My. Imo, Kieu My knows she has a thing for Fatou but didn't realise it was that serious until this moment. She knew exactly what she was doing. My girl totally tried to Fingersmith Fatou 😂 I love how Kieu My shares her insecurity about talking to girls, and Fatou's reaction 😂 She's like 'this is the best moment of my life'. The playful Zombie bit, joking about stereotypes, Fatou reassuring Kieu My when she's sees Kieu My feels insecure about her nails💞 The camera panning to Kieu My when Fatou says about 'just kiss her already' showing that's what Kieu My is thinking 💀The staring, especially the Peter Pan moment when Kieu My is staring intensely and when Fatou turns to look at her, she quickly turns to the tv😆 Kieu My asking 'purely hypothetically' who would Fatou date out of their friends, hoping Fatou would say her. Then the annoyed look she gives Fatou at the end because she thinks Fatou doesn't want to date her and she shakes her head, and angrily takes popcorn. While Fatou is avoiding eye contact and you can see her realising her mistake 😂 Idiots!

5. Tie between dyscalculia diagnosis and it's a match!

I love the dyscalculia test clip so much!! The way it's shot is again beautiful with Fatou using the different counters. It didn't just rush into the dialogue. Fatou being cute and nearly getting the right answers by using really complicated tricks 🤗 Sira's acting when he said she had it, and the tears just filled her eyes with relief, realising that's why she has struggled. The alarm bit when she said she thought she was stupid killed me!! 😂🤣 Nora and Mailin being there with vanilla fries and Fatou smiling and saying she's not stupid. It brings me so much happiness that clip 💛

It's a match being dropped at midnight unexpectedly. The way Fatou stops breathing when Kieu My's profile comes up. Kieu My swiping right first! And Fatou caressing her phone with happiness and relief that her instinct has been right! Kieu My messaging 5 seconds later. Bringing back the comment about the guys with pets, and Fatou having to slap herself and squeal into her duvet (same!❤) Them just being the nerds they are and coming up with Axolotlgirl and Zombiewoman. They talked for 11hrs!!! I actually think this was one of the smartest decisions I've seen in Skamverse. That one interaction, which Kieu My wasn't even physically in, expanded upon their connection, and for me that's the moment they really fell head over heels for each other into deep feelings territory. Especially with them having to keep the eps shorten than S5, it was such a clever decision 👏👏

Thank you so much for your questions!! I will look forward to answering the rest tomorrow 💛