#but that can coexist with being insanely happy with the small stuff. it makes it easier to me

[skunkes]

I guess in some ways having a life that is very small and dark has its benefits especially when one finally gets to lay in a sunbeam (⬅️ saying this as a step down from "getting to step into the light", which is the metaphor i was Gonna use but i havent stepped into the light yet/its been minimal...so sunbeam)

Like...im in persistent unending agony but every little small thing is a joy now that im finally getting to experience a bigger variety of little small things

[crunchesmunches]

I feel bad shit insane talking to a wall about dragneel brothers 😭

Anyways silly brother hc that would fit into lore if zeref didn’t have a curse and joined fairy tail and wasn’t actually insane

-Zeref definitely constantly makes sure his out fit is correct and tidy like he doesn’t mean to do it but he just feels more in control of himself that way. And when he sees Natsu’s clothes always messed up and messy he constantly fusses about it after he fights and brushes Natsu off without realizing

-Natsu is zerefs biggest weakness if that weakness was he just doesn’t wanna hurt Natsu emotionally or physically at all like Natsu is his baby. Zeref could never actually hurt Natsu badly sure Zeref is fully aware Natsu can handle anything but if he’s fighting and someone put Natsu infront of that attack he would immediately stop it, Natsu is very important to him and Natsu knows that to. which why he used it to get stuff from Zeref

-I know zeref made lullaby as a whole killing thing but it would be really funny if zeref also created things or other instruments that reminded him of people he liked especially Natsu so there’s a flute out there that’s just for Natsu but will never be found cause it won’t be played unless Natsu finds it. There’s tons of zerefs instruments and creations out there that aren’t for anyone but Natsu

-Natsu likes to draw not well and he draws like a five year old however whenever it does it just makes him incredible happy and carefree (this is totally not based off of that scene in 100 year quest when Natsu wrote in the library books) and he doesn’t tell anyone about it but he likes to draw people sometimes it’s good sometimes it’s not but it just makes Natsu happy and whenever zeref sees Natsu draws he always sits next to him and watches happily

-Natsu’s very short and I mean like 5,3 and it’s cause Natsu has always been small he’s just small and zeref cant get over how funny it is because Natsu convinced half the people he knows he’s taller than he is by just not standing directly next to them it just makes zeref giggle sometimes Natsu literally needs to climb on him for missions but Natsu being small helps them do a lot of things like sneak into vents or something

-zeref is a big hugger and wraps his arms around Natsu head and in a death grip he rubs his face in Natsu hair. Sometimes zeref will lift Natsu up to see things and he always hugs Natsu before lifting him up on his hands

-Natsu and zeref both speak a different language and it’s not a normal language it’s a mix of old language from there town and draconic which makes a weird language no one knows because the whole town was wiped out. I also believe this town had there own customs and beliefs and coexist with dragons just didn’t care for them which is why they knew draconic but so jumbled with some other language Natsu and zerefs culture and language is just incomprehensible to anyone. This town celebrated life and death which is why zeref is named after death and Natsu is the summer it’s like after a volcano erupts new life begins.

-igneel was fond of zeref and wanted zeref to stay with him when he dropped Natsu at his door and zeref still does not know why

-Natsu and zeref hold hands all the time to not lose each other

-zeref has dragon parts like Natsu but more demonic from his curse but he’s rarely seen with his demon/dragon tail

-Natsu and zeref act so similar sometimes there both bubbly in the same way boyishly happy to be around each other

-would elfman Mirajane and lissanna be the opposite of ignia zeref and Natsu I think they have a “who are the better siblings battle

-Natsu and zeref hate ignias “nieces” (the gold dragons ancestors) because they thing there such great siblings when there just the worst versions of them

-Natsu and zeref can never take things seriously there always giggling and confused by the target

-zeref has a cat called misery which is the opposite of happy and is a Scottish fold cat and also purple (ignia also has a cat who’s a lynx or leopard who can’t stand ignias ass)

[ryuichirou]

Replies

More replies! Related to our KaliJami comic + our post from yesterday, and, as always, about some other stuff. There are also some spicier ones at the end of the post.

Anonymous asked:

I'm guessing the latest comic is before they became first years.

Yep! I don’t know if we got any info about how exactly it went in canon, but I’m guessing Kalim didn’t take the fact that they would be separated for the first time very well.

Ironically, I think he got over it right before he got transferred to the NRC lol And all that emotional growth (well, an attempt) went out the window.

Anonymous asked:

Jamil's side of KaliJami is basically that one post that's like 'my favorite trope is when a character realizes they're in love with another character and instead of being cute about it, they're just like "No, fuck, god why?!"'

Yeah, exactly! If Jamil really was to realise that he is in love with Kalim, it would probably be the worst news ever for him lol He’d probably be disappointed in himself too…

Anonymous asked:

Azul X Jamil is the definition of comedy, while Kalim X Jamil is the definition of tragedy. Yeah, I wonder if Azul and Kalim is jealous to one another?

That’s a nice way to look at it, Anon. And together they create an absolute insanity in Jamil’s mind lol

I don’t think Kalim would be jealous at first. He seems to be genuinely happy when Jamil gets along with someone. If anything, if he found out that Jamil slept with Azul, he would assume that Jamil is in love with him and that they are dating, and would try to support them. But I still feel like deep inside he would feel the sting of jealousy, similarly to how he felt it when Jamil was chosen instead of him as a lead vocalist in ch5. How far is he going to take this jealousy? Who knows. Maybe we’ll play around with this theme in the future.

Azul, on the other hand, is very jealous by nature, plus easily annoyed by naïve and gullible people. So while he isn’t antagonistic towards Kalim (he is an Asim after all, Azul has to stay friendly with him), he would still definitely feel jealous. His relationship with Jamil is supposed to be mutually beneficial and not romantic, but Azul has a crush, so of course he’s going to be petty about it lol Nothing of this will be shown to Kalim, he’s way to profitable for Azul to put his own feelings above his gain

Anonymous asked:

Has Ortho been jealous about anyone close to Vil? I knew you talked about Neige but what about Jack. They knew each other way longer than anyone. And what about Rook? Sure Ortho likes him...but we know who he is.

It’s always a bit weird with Ortho and honestly depends on a scenario you want to go with, because the whole jealousy spectrum is possible with this boy lol

I can easily see him coexisting with Rook and Jack and all those people, but I can also see him trying to act like everything is okay, but feeling extremely jealous and possessive. He isn’t used to sharing – his closes person (Idia) is entirely his own, and while he wants him to make friends, he knows that Idia isn’t going anywhere. But Vil is popular, and there are a lot of eyes on him, and a lot of people are close to him.

I don’t think he’ll have a rivalry with Rook – I actually feel like they would bond over their possessiveness in a weird way lol But I can also see Ortho getting teasing and clingy with Vil, just to assert his dominance and make everyone remember that even though there are other people close to Vil, he, Ortho, is the most special boy.

Anonymous asked:

Thoughts on malleus x cater 🤔 the size difference is surely something to consider

Replied here!

In general, every Malleus is great because of just how big he is… all the other characters are so small next to him~

Anonymous asked:

i'm the exceptions anon, and thank you for answering, that makes a lot of sense!

Of course! <3 I’m glad I managed to clarify what I meant.

Anonymous asked:

I’m not sure if you’ve answered something like this before, but what are your thoughts on mobs with characters? The beach scene in book 5 has a lot of…potential…with Deuce and Epel

Anon wait

Anon let me grab the loudest mic in the universe

YES.

We absolutely love anything with mobs, doujins and scenarios with mobs in general are one of our absolute favourites LOL I can’t even stress just HOW MUCH WE LOVE IT.

And YES THE BEACH SCENE IN BOOK 5!!! Of course Deuce and Epel managed to not only escape but also fight the guys, but the potential… the potential is too sweet not to think about how else the scene could’ve ended. Deuce and Epel are also kind of perfect for this type of thing, both of them are so cute and pretty, and oh how horrible it would be for them to get outnumbered and mistreated for being so cute. Especially Epel, who basically seduced them with his cuteness in the actual scene anyway lol

In general, twst has a surprising amount of scenes that could lead to steamy mob/character sex, but I guess this is what happens when 85% of the student body consists of spooky douchebags with no eyes.

I gotta draw something with mobs one day…

Anonymous asked:

Flojami when Floyd fucks Jamil brutally and pulls his hair real hard that's when Jamil realized he's a bit of a masochist (<- would never admit it)

See, this is why Jamil doesn’t like being around the octa-boys: they make him learn a lot of things about himself LOL but never to this degree, this is purely Floyd’s merit.

But yeah, Floyd is probably the most perfect sexual partner to unlock Jamil’s inner masochist: he’s mean, he’s chaotic and he doesn’t give a shit. Jamil would tell him to never do this type of stuff without permission (or AT ALL!!), but they both know that the fact that Jami didn’t expect it made it much more pleasurable to him.

Anonymous asked:

I finally got around to reading your dad hcs, and because I am obsessed with diasomnia forever and ever, I cannot stop thinking about Silver as a dad.... Would he have sex with his own kid(s) if he thinks it's just as normal as any other parent-child activities or training? He's such a good man, and if he followed his instincts more, he would be the perfect dad, but if he's trying to immitate his beloved father's parenting.... 😔

Sdfsdf ANOOOON!!! 😭 The Vanrouge methods of alternative fae parenting survives another generation. This is so beautifully cursed.

Well to be completely fair, I doubt Silver would do it, because, just like you’ve said, he has his good man instincts, and they usually lead to him making right decisions. He also has some common sense (despite Lilia’s hard work…), which we’ve seen in that vignette in which Sebek and he tried to take care of a baby bat.

At the same time, Silver definitely doesn’t think that him having sex with Lilia was a bad thing, SO LOL I guess the only reason he wouldn’t do it to his own kids would be because he wouldn’t want to.

But at the same time!!

Would Silver think at any point think that it’s his responsibility to teach the young ones how to fuck someone properly, i.e. lend his butt to them for educational purposes? He would. And he would be so proud of their achievements…

Raising an army of future little Lilia Vanrouges, one tiny top at a time.

[tf2canons]

Hey, nice blog you have here. I'd understand if you decided not to do this request considering how long it could potentially be, but in case you decide to, what do you think the first impressions the mercs had of each other was and how do you think that changed over time?

(This did get pretty long so I’m going to put it under a cut! I really liked this question though, thank you!)

Spy - One could say he got mixed reviews when the team first formed. He was one of the very first mercenaries hired, and he helped Miss Pauling do background checks on some of the others before they were accepted to the team. Therefore he is privy to a few of their secrets some of them would rather he not be, and it got them off on the wrong foot. Sniper in particular wasn’t fond of Spy sniffing around in his stuff, and considered him a “rotten bloody snake.” Medic and Heavy, on the other hand, were very welcoming. Heavy was able to talk to him about literature, and Medic discussed classical music and poisons with him, so they got along well. The others have gotten used to him over time, but many of them still think he’s somewhat cold and pretentious, or distant at the very least. Sniper respects him much more than he did when he first met him, but they still have plenty of differences.

Sniper - “This guy seems pretty normal- wait is that piss?” While he can sometimes be shy, Sniper appears like the most normal at first glance. He’s reasonably personable and willing to make small talk about the weather. It’s once you start to get to know him better you realize how weird he is. Spy was the first to find this out when he got dosed in jarate for trespassing in Sniper’s camper. No one believed him that that actually happened until they saw Sniper using it on the battlefield. Sniper has a habit of pushing people away, so some people on the team have actually grown less close to him over time. He doesn’t go to Medic unless he absolutely needs to, and he doesn’t like to bother the Engineer. Only more outgoing people like Scout and Pyro consider him a friend, and they forcibly include him in things and try to get him more involved with the rest of the team.

Medic - Everyone had the same first impression of Medic which was, “This man is absolutely insane.” Some were a little more afraid of him than others, however. Sniper disliked doctors in the first place, Scout thought Medic wanted to steal all his organs to sell them on the black market, and Pyro had to be physically dragged into the infirmary for any sort of checkup or procedure (its like trying to take a dog to the vet. They know what you’re doing and they’re not going to cooperate). Heavy was the first one to get to know him better, discovering that Medic had a likable side. He’s not completely evil and he has a quirky sense of humor. Engineer discovered this quickly, too, while working with him. Medic slowly bribed Pyro into liking him with lollipops, and he eventually convinced Scout that his organs were more valuable inside of his body (for now).

Scout - While it isn’t technically a first impression, when Spy saw that Scout was on the team he did not have the best reaction. He avoided him for several weeks and tried to convince Miss Pauling to fire him. He didn’t want to work with his estranged son. Eventually he came to terms with this being his life now. Most of the others thought Scout was a big egotistical douche bag. Demo thought he was a funny kid, but overconfident, and probably going to get himself killed. Engineer was more worried than anything else. “Don’t y’all think he’s a little too young to be out here…?” He ended up being Scout’s first friend on the team simply because he was trying to keep an eye out for the kid and make sure he didn’t get hurt too badly. While they never became super close, they stayed friends, and Scout still goes to him for help occasionally. As time passed, the rest of the team started to see that there was more to Scout than being obnoxious and fast. They caught moments where he was being emotionally vulnerable, missing his family or pining over Miss Pauling, or they’d sneak a look at his sketchbooks while he was doodling to find out he was actually rather talented. Spy grew more accustomed to having the Scout around but still tries to limit interactions with him in an effort to keep Scout from realizing the truth and to prevent himself from getting too attached.

Pyro - Most of the team had the same thought when they first saw Pyro. “What on Earth is that thing?” Just watch the beginning of Meet the Pyro to get a sense how they all felt about them in the beginning. Engineer was the only one who treated them with some human decency instead of fear, and it earned him his first homemade flower crown. He didn’t waste time trying to convince the others that Pyro was actually very sweet and friendly. Medic stepped up to the plate next in a strategic attempt to get them to like him so they’d go to their fucking checkups. Pyro started drawing them holding hands in crayon but it still took months before they willingly went into the infirmary. Spy, meanwhile, saw the Pyro as a challenge. They were the only mercenary he knew nothing about and he made it his mission to find out their true identity. He has yet to succeed and its a bit of a sore spot for him. The rest of the time warmed up to the Pyro a bit over time, learning that they’re actually very kind and well-meaning, but a couple of them are still nervous around them.

Soldier - When they first met Soldier, the team wasn’t sure he was fit for duty. While he certainly wanted to fight, and had a passion for it, he didn’t seem quite right in the head. Now they know he isn’t quite right in the head, but they also know he can handle himself just fine on the battlefield. He’s incredibly dangerous and effective in a fight. He can hold his own just as well as the rest of them can. Once they got over how loud and strange he is, some of the team took a liking to him, as well. In particular, he and Demo are practically best friends, and Heavy and the Engineer are happy to listen to him rant about America for as long as he wants. 

Heavy - His teammates made the same mistake many people do when they first meet Heavy. Because of his bad English and his giant stature they assume he isn’t smart. All brawn and no brain. Medic learned almost immediately that that wasn’t the case when Heavy joked, “You are doctor? I am also doctor. Literature doctor.” Spy and Engineer were next, making quick friends with him. He and the Sniper became what one could maybe consider friends, as they both understand a need for quiet coexistence. Now that they’re comfortable around each other they’ll sometimes just sit in the same room together, Heavy reading and Sniper sharpening his kukri and whatnot, neither of them saying anything. Just the way they like it. Heavy and the Pyro still don’t get along particularly well; Heavy is scared of them and the Pyro can sense it. But they’ve learned to coexist over time. 

Demo - It’s hard to get the wrong impression from Demo. He’s very loud and honest about himself and his opinions. What the team assumed incorrectly at first was whether or not he can be trusted with explosives. He’s a one-eyed drunk, surely its not a good idea? They were hesitant to be anywhere near him on the battlefield or while he was working on his bombs back at the base. They found out rather quickly that he knew exactly what he was doing, however, and was incredibly skilled at his craft. He was hired for a reason, after all. They also found out he’s a very nice friend to have. He’s passionately supportive and gives great pep talks, and will share his beer if you need some. 

Engineer - Engineer is hard not to like. He has a warm, friendly disposition and he’s a very intelligent man. Most of the team liked him right from the beginning, but Spy was an exception. Something about the way the two of them interact with other people always clashed. Engineer thought Spy should mind his own business and that he was a bit uppity, and Spy thought he seemed like an uncultured hillbilly who is only there because of his family connections. Needless to say they respect each other a good deal more after working together for so long, but they still aren’t the best of friends. Some of the team were also a bit nervous around him at the beginning because he worked so closely with their superiors. He wouldn’t rat them out or anything, would he? Did he have sort of ulterior motives? Over time, though, they realized that Engie is one of the most honest and trustworthy people you can find. 

[gloieee]

Limbo

Started this post sometime early July and could not finish in classic fashion because the heaviness weighed me down TOO much for me to continue writing. Usually for me writing is catharsis, but this time it felt laborious because it meant I had to sit with my emotions even more so than during my day-to-day (which was already too much to handle). It was hard for me to even listen to these songs then because it made my entire being ache. Yet, of course, cause I loved the pain, I did and anguished in it to paralysis. Most of these thoughts no longer resonate with me, to a surprising extent, but am attempting to pay respects to the pinnacle and hopefully, the conclusion of a long year+ of distress. Here goes, Limbo. 

 8/12/2020 

_______________________________________________________________________

Good News – Mac Miller 

I spent the whole day in my head Do a little spring cleanin' I'm always too busy dreamin' Well, maybe I should wake up instead A lot of things I regret, but I just say I forget Why can't it just be easy?

I think this sums up my days better than any of my own words can. These couple of weeks have been exactly this—spending whole days in my head (doing little else sometimes gleefully, sometimes woefully) attempting some “spring cleaning,” then going on some tangent on things I should fix in my life, attempting to constructively go down memory lane, then things getting too much and wondering the forever questions, “why can’t it just be easy?” 

Regret has become a salient gateway word into my life these past two years, not always consistently, but at least with some regularity. It feels especially shocking cause it really had so little presence prior to this. I suppose, some may say that before a certain age, there are no real consequences to one’s actions, hence, no need for regret. But under that logic, I don’t think at 26, I’m that old either, so I wonder what happened at 24 that began this trajectory. It seems extremely fitting that I couldn’t finish the blog post for “Mistakes” in May 2018, because to be frank, since then, a tinge (or more) of regret has persisted in my days. There have been some lateral moves for sure, but never a vertical move past the regret. Continuing on this thread of analyzing my own past actions, it also appears fitting that I started that 2018 playlist with Unhappy by Outkast/ Big Boi because regret rings profoundly (maybe only) when you’re unhappy with your current state. You don’t see a happy woman ruminating on a thought exercise of what could’ve been. At the time, I included the song based on feeling, (as with everything on this blog), but never really discussed it. 

Might as well have fun 'cause your happiness is done When your goose is cooked

I suppose this was pretty much how I lived my life this past year. I’m trying not to say it as a bad thing, cause it isn’t necessarily, and I have a tendency to romanticize tribulations. I had a lot of fun, even though at moments I got pretty millennial REKT in the process. It’s less the fact that I had fun (and was very healthy (physically)! Which I am grateful for), but that I had little else. I didn’t feel very fulfilled or feel like I knew myself, or my values, or even what I wanted. I lived nonchalantly, maybe even a little numbed, and got wrapped up in a LOT of distractions. Admittedly, it was nice in the moment to care about such light things, to not have to deal with so much heaviness. I remember reveling in it, in my personal conversations and on this blog as well. 

Yeah Right by Joji is my past year in LA told from the perspectives of cynics (aka Me). It’s a simple, almost grossly millennial song. Despite the extremely self deprecative lyrics, I love how the melody feels like a calming, boppy afterthought. There are moments in the track where you’re just super down in the dumps, but also moments when you’re singing with a lopsided, wry, self-taunting smile on your face. 

 Yeah Right – Joji 

Imma fuck up my life    We gon party all night She don’t care if I die  Yeah I bet you won’t try  But you know I don’t mind 

I don’t think my motives were ever as extreme or bleak as “imma fuck up my life” but the general sentiment rings true. There was definitely a pervasive detachedness to my days, and a total lack of “trying”.  And a lack of minding over that fact. 

Yeah, you know I feel right Yeah, you living right now She don't ever pick sides

I unfortunately discovered Joji during the small insanity of quarantine, and of course blazed through all his interviews. I hadn’t fully realized how not picking sides in my life and going along with the flow belied a sense of numbness or ambivalence. This is so how I’ve been feeling/ felt about so many aspects of my life—career, relationships, values, lifestyle. I couldn’t choose anything because nothing pulled at me. I remember telling a friend that I’m at a point of ambivalence where if I had two research projects I would not be able to pick which one to pursue because they would feel all the same to me. I feel almost no sense of what interests me.

Yeah, you bet I go to see you when I'm feeling like a drum without a beat Yeah, you dance so good And I think that's kinda neat

I am/was truly a drum without a beat, just noticing some insignificant thing of slight interest and noting “that’s kinda neat.” Really not a reason to go after a girl/ relationship in the slightest, but I get how it’s all that could be mustered at the moment. And then you shrug and run with it. 

 Another millennial moment of wisdom from Joji about this song:  

It’s not productive but it’s not destructive. And that’s how a lot of people get stuck, in relationships and in life in general. 

This was exactly what was happening during the year. I was not productive AT ALL, but I was still passing, still technically going through the motions, going through the hoops. Life was happening. And I was stuck. 

What you know about love? What you know about life? What you know about blood? Bitch, you ain't even my type

Honestly not super sure how it relates, but to these lines. Joji explains:  

I mean, the way I see life is like, no-one’s special. You’re not born special, if you’re lucky you’re given a certain set of skills and a certain set of resources and you run with them, and then everyone dies. So as long as they know that, and they’re not thinking in a God’s plan sort of way... So just stuff like that

This was interesting as this summer as I was trying to figure out my path and my direction, and grappling with whether I wanted to try to pursue things that I thought I should/ kinda wanted for extraneous reasons/ seemed practical and logical and well desired vs. what I may be better at/ what I knew I wanted before. And there was definitely this idea of a (lost) calling, a larger cosmic reason that I had blindly chosen this much harder and guilt-inducing path. Something that may make it all make sense. I was extensively looking back on my past self and aspirations. I felt like I had forcibly given up things that made me me without gaining the practical traits I had so envied in others; I had become a boring medical student who wasn’t even super productive nor good at medicine. I was obsessed with this idea of a passion, this abstract thing that I seemed to have perhaps had the inklings of at a certain point, but seemed to have lost entirely, all after having sacrificed much to pursue it. It was refreshing to see someone who is an artiste (hohoho) saying these things, since (successful) artists seemed to be the only people who were truly special or passionate enough in what they did, in that they had risked so much stability, and had made it. 

Returning to the song, I love how all these serious questions are raised only to be followed up by a super petty “bitch you ain’t even my type.” And indeed, my many deep queries have no conclusions and I find myself returning to the minutiae of daily life.  

Back to Good News. The utter exhaustion and endless circle of rumination on past days, a desire to fix the pattern, slight hope, and inevitable resignation Mac sings of make me close my eyes to take a deep breath. His tracks from Circle capture so well the fluctuating inner thought processes of those who are struggling to dig themselves out of something beyond their control:

When it ain't that bad It could always be worse I'm running out of gas, hardly anything left Hope I make it home from work Well, so tired of being so tired Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?   I'm no liar, but Sometimes the truth don't sound like the truth Maybe 'cause it ain't I just love the way it sound when I say it   But I heard that the sky's still blue, yeah I heard they don't talk about me too much no more And that's a problem with a closed door   Then I'll finally discover That it ain't that bad, ain't so bad

The coexistence of heaviness and hope is what I’ve always loved about Mac. I’m obsessed with duality, contradictions, and being conflicted because I think it’s what I have so struggled with for my young adult life (Joji also mentions this is a driving force behind his songs). Also, I think inconsistencies are just something that is so humanizing about people. It’s no wonder that my favorite works of art attempt to dissect or observe dualities—The Unbearable Lightness of Being; the esoteric song by the lead singer of a small Korean indie band that I had to pay 50 cents to download and save on my desktop cause it wasn’t on youtube (it is now huzzah). A minor tangent, in the aforementioned song Jo Woong implores someone to tell him what he did wrong because he sure as hell can’t figure it out. And a line that has stayed with me for years: Aren’t people’s fronts and backs inherently different? Or is it just me that’s lacking something... It’s a play on a Korean saying, but it points out the inconsistencies in people in an aching plea for understanding and sympathy. It’s what too many plagued, conflicted individuals are hoping for. 

내가 뭘 그렇게 잘못했는지 모르겠어요 누가 내 잘못 안다면 얘기 좀 해줘요  사람이 원래 앞뒤가 맞지가 않잖아요? 아니면 나만 이렇게 모자란가요  

When I listen to Mac with a clear head, aka not in the throes of depression, I hear the hope in his voice and lyrics. It strikes me and warms my heart even more because I know that the hope has shined through despite the darkness. But when I’m on the other side of the equation, I hear how deep the sadness and pain is, and how the hope is not enough to overcome that. It’s almost worse because I know the hope exists, and yet I can’t get there. It feels like a failure. 

Everybody- Mac Miller 

Everybody's gotta live And everybody's gonna die Everybody just wanna have a good, good time I think you know the reason why   Yeah, sometimes the goin' gets so good Yeah, but then again, it get pretty rough

The fatalism of this song coupled with Mac’s slight falsetto embodies a type of pain that is ineffable. The back and forth of things being good and rough reminds me of an addled and empty-eyed shrug.

Surf – Mac Miller

And the days, they go by Until we get old There's water in the flowers, let's grow People, they lie But hey, so do I Until it gets old There's water in the flowers, let's grow   Yeah, well Sometimes I get lonely Not when I'm alone But it's more when I'm standin' in crowds That I'm feelin' the most on my own And I know that somebody knows me I know somewhere there's home I'm startin' to see that all I have to do is get up and go

Surf speaks more quietly of possibility even during dark times. The faint sense of having known at a certain point that someone knows you and gets it, and that you could feel at peace again, like in a home of sorts. The desire to grow, the slight feeling that maybe, it we let go (of societal perceptions, of greed, expectations?), something could change. But in the here and now, it’s just a sense and not a reality. A hypothetical thought that has not yet passed the threshold for action:

Gotta get goin', goin', goin' before I'm gone

A break from the melancholy for a throwback to myself, which made me chuckle as well as feel a sense of wistful nostalgia. This short and sweet track seems like the perfect modern-day ode to me. My conflicted state of being in awe of and yearning after impractical aestheticism but simultaneously being terrified of and slightly disgusted by the indulgence and recklessness of art and its values has led me to eschew it as a profession but try to implicate myself in it in other ways. I think one of the slightly problematic ways this has manifested is not pursuing art in my own life, but seeking to be a muse in other’s’ artful endeavors. I’ve definitely probably contributed to the problematic male gaze I’ve written papers on, but in all vulnerable honesty, that is how I’ve been in the past. The redeeming qualities of Kota’s muse reminded me of the past, some of the qualities that I had prided in myself. I woefully feel as though I have lost all these qualities--Doing my own thing, riding my own wave, not being affected by others’ values, particularly the more superficial ones, being grounded, reading (hah, but never self help), low-key taking care of my life, knowing what I want.  

She – KOTA the friend 

She do her own thing, she ride her own wave Only twenty people on the 'Gram that she followin' Only post work, she ain't tryna be a model chick She believe in white wine, feet up on the ottoman Low-key, got her own business and she mindin' it If she get your number, you'll be lucky if she lock it in She hella grounded, but the plane trips to BnB stay booked Told me I should read the Four Agreements, it's a great book Cracked a little smile and she threw me back the same look, yea 

Slowing it down, this song sounds like a warm afternoon sunset on a lake in New Hampshire that’s not even sad. Which is rare for me since I find sunsets heart-wrenchingly empty most days.

Hand Me Downs – Mac Miller 

Get away to a place where the lakes such a great view Leave the bank, couple hunnid thou' I made it, but I hate once I build it I break it down Might just break me down   And all I ever needed was somebody with some reason who can keep me sane Ever since I can remember I've been keeping it together but I'm feeling strange

As long as I could remember, this is what I wanted. Yet in recent months, I’ve felt so confused about what I want. I’ve been feeling strange, and things don’t seem right, with no proper conclusion:   

Get away when it ain't really safe and it don't seem right But what's new? You get used to the bullshit, the screws they go missing It's likely they might be but...

I almost wish that there was something I distinctly missed, since that would at least show that I cared about something. But to be fair, wanting the wrong things have led me down many wrong turns in the past, so maybe this blank slate is not so bad. I’m so very unsure of what I want, but I suppose I just need to keep it up and act like I do* want something. That’s been the conclusion for this past year. It’s sometimes nice and fine, sometimes so difficult, and I’m in the latter end of the spectrum now, but perhaps it’ll click eventually. In the meantime, the detached voice of Giveon soothes me that I’m not only lost soul goin back and forth on the lost young adult pendulum:  

Like I Want You – Giveon  

I guess I'll just pretend until it all makes sense   Like I want you You, ooh, ooh Even if it's true, ooh (Even if it's true)

Early-ish July 2020  

[2djdanger]

RAMBLINGS OF AN ANIMATION STUDENT ON THE BOSS BABY AND THE INDUSTRY ITSELF AND WHY I LOVE THE BOSS BABY WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL:

Words cannot describe the love I have for The Boss Baby. I saw an advanced screening of it a few weeks back with the director there & it blew my mind it’s like 3D animation meets 2D along with gorgeous art & so many opposites attract motifs like the baby acting like an adult & the graphic bold bright comic book feel type scenes that also meet this almost soft pastel 1950s/1960s vibe going on. AND THE EMOTION IN EVERYONES FACES AGH IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AS AN ANIMATOR!!! It’s such a fast paced movie & everything happening at once & throughout all this everyone’s showing a variety of different emotions in a few seconds & the writing is amazing like not many animated films these days go back to the roots of traditional animation & just making it for a wide variety of an audience from all walks of life instead of making the same movie over & over again with great animation but a story line that seems rushed & choppy & not thought out but they keep making sequels anyways whether we wanted them or not just because m o n e y. I’m looking at u Disney with almost everything & Illumination with Despicable Me. It’s not to say that I don’t like sequels bc those companies have made some I enjoyed but it makes me disappointed when they could be putting their talents towards something fresh & new & original. This movie was o r i g i n a l in every sense of the word. Go take your kids to see it, yourself, your parents (I took mine & im a fully grown adult as are they & we loved it), your grandparents, your grandparent’s grandparents!!! It’s so great!!! It’s literally what the 3D animation community needed. I’m a traditional/2D animator myself & it seems more of the 2D movies out there recently have been trying to keep it original and don’t even get me started on the amount of work the animators do in not only 2D but 3D as well. But like recently 3D animation seems obsessed with the technology realizing they can make anything look more & more realistic nowadays then say when Pixar created Toy Story & their shorts in the 80s. These big companies keep churning out these movies not putting much thought into it & spending everything to make it look as real as possible. But that’s not the point of animation at all! They’re losing touch with why we animate in the first place!!! As my old storyboarding teacher once told our class on why we animate, we animate because it shouldn’t be possible in the real world. When you make anything animated you should stop & think: why am I making this story animated? Does it really need to be animated? Can I do this in live action? If you can make a story in live action then why are you animating it at all in the first place? It doesn’t need to be animated! Literally animation is just beautiful. You can do anything with it. And more & more especially with the technology in 3D films they’re slipping away from those values & ideas & making things that can be replicated in live action. So to see The Boss Baby really utilize the original concept of animation to tell that beautiful crazy impossible story & to top it off tell it through the bright eyes of an over imaginative child make it all the more better because it gives way to these big brilliant imagination sequences with these bold graphic designs that I’d die for. The editing and the animation in this movie is literally perfection it’s one thing flows into another into another into another & it works ANNND THERES EVEN GOOD COMEDIC TIMING!!! Sometimes movies live action & animated just can’t capture that kind of fast paced back to back tension followed by good comedic timing so to the writing team on The Boss Baby I say bravo to you & to the animators as well because God knows how difficult it is to draw out a normal sequence of actions but to follow the writing & get that vision out there in the open & follow it & draw it out so every detail works that’s just insane. This movie just inspires me so much & it’s relatable. My childhood was like Tim’s where everything was perfect & I was happy until my baby sister came along & we went at it for years. Another thing back to the genius writing in the film is this style where it forces you into Tim’s shoes because when they first introduce Boss Baby & for the first half of the film you’re made to hate him & he acts as the villain of the film until about halfway through Boss Baby really comes out of his 1 dimensional evil villain shell & just sees Tim in distress & reveals why it’s not only bad for Tim the current situation but why it’s bad for him too & then proceeds to give Boss Baby this insane narrative & beautifully tragic multidimensional backstory. Tim as the first main character has already been developed as a multidimensional character with different feelings & emotional expressions because he doesn’t know much about the world except for his imagination since he is a kid but by showing this then completely flipping everything on it’s head & giving Boss Baby real flaws & strengths that balance out Tim’s strengths & weaknesses it makes them seem a lot more like real relatable people & more so like siblings who depend on each other. As an older sister I can say some of my weaknesses end up being my sisters strengths & vice versa. Then by the end of the film,Boss Baby is this character you can't help but love & root for hoping he wins & can get out of the bad situations like when his formula was stolen so he kept going baby again it's like you feel panicked because you don't want Boss Baby to be normal you want him to be his crazy quirky self. Also this whole tragic narrative really hit me like it just stuck with me because I’m a sucker for these kinds of dark/sad stories layered in a brighter happier story & they coexist in harmony like that’s when you know a film’s really working. So SPOILERS AHEAD even though if you got this far there have already been some light spoilers I couldn’t avoid talking about but these get right into the grit of it. So the idea that Boss Baby was never really born fascinates me. In this world in the movie it makes sense. It’s also really sad as Tim points out as we’re finding out more about Boss Baby that he never had a childhood & how Boss Baby even says himself he was “born” or more so created (in both the universe of the movie & if he was self aware ((which he isn’t but for the sake of explaining this just humor the thought if he was)) that he was created as a character to work in this movie world realm plane of existence whatever you want to call it) all grown up as an adult in a baby’s body. Just think about that for a minute. What if you were born an adult & never went through childhood, never had a family, no one ever loved you or played with you or anything, all you knew was co-workers & business stuff. You never had fun or imagined things. That’s a really sad life if you ask me personally. He never had a chance to be creative or find himself all he knew was what the cold adult business school taught him from day 1. Most adults these days forgot what it was like to be a child & have fun & I think that’s what they were trying to get at with this backstory especially when Tim’s on the plane to Vegas with Boss Baby & just trying to teach him in small little ways how to use his imagination & just be a kid & not be so serious & black & white all the time. Also, I feel like that’s the issue sometimes with my own parents. As an animator I see animated movies as just another way of telling a story whereas people like my parents who don’t understand much from my line of work see it as a children’s media with no substance & pretty pictures. I want to break that barrier because the first animated pieces were NOT made for kids they were for other adults. I feel like it shouldn’t matter anyways if the movie’s marketed for kids because it could always be a good movie regardless of that & people like my parents forget what it’s like to have fun & see a good kids movie. They were kids once, we all were. As with many animated films before it, The Boss Baby brings subtle tasteful adult humor to the film as well as some just downright outrageous adult humor like Boss Baby running around butt naked with a censor bar over his nether regions. When you can marry adult & child humor together in a movie & make it work nicely it’s always a sign of a good movie. So tonight’s the opening night of The Boss Baby in cinemas everywhere & because I have so much love for this movie after seeing the advanced screening & listening to the director, producer, & designer from the movie speak about it & their own experiences they put into this film, like I stated before I dragged my parents out of the house on a Friday night when they would normally be in bed sleeping really early & shared the joy & beauty of the animated feature film with them. Normally my dad’s the one who will give almost any film a try & watch it & really like it. My mom however is extremely picky & if it doesn’t please her in the first 10 minutes or less she will zone out & fall asleep taking a nap through over half the movie. Both of my parents were on the edge of their seats tonight paying the utmost attention to the movie. It was a really beautiful moment to see my parents actually giving this animated movie a shot & they both ended up loving it as much I did on my second go seeing it. I’m not gonna lie I saw the trailers for this movie late last year & it caught my interest but I had this nagging thought that it wasn’t going to be a fresh new story it would just be typical & only made to make some money & keep Dreamworks in the game another year. I was happily proven wrong & this movie just takes everything about these money making no story movies & flips it on its head entirely. I even bought the art book for The Boss Baby because the artwork alone is enough to inspire me while working on my own projects. And that my friends is why you need to see The Boss Baby

TL;DR: The Boss Baby is an A+ gorgeously animated film with a breath of fresh air new story told in a way that’s really interesting & new & takes you back to the old days of 2D animation classics despite being a 3D film so disregard Rotten Tomato’s obviously wrong ratings & go see it for yourself because as an animator this movie makes me happy & I want to live in it forever ❤️❤️❤️

[jgtruthseeker-blog]

Truth

It is difficult to stay on the path of truth. Often you don't even know what the truth is. Many times what you think is true, turns out to be false, or just improvable. How do I stay on this path? Or is truth just a linguistic confusion with no meaning behind it?

I want to be able to answer those questions. But sometimes I'm under the influence of my emotions which deceive me as to what the truth is. Does that mean I can only know the truth without emotion? Is there even such a state then? A state of no emotion? Let's say there isn't. Then, how much emotion can there be when we're approaching truth? But let's say there is, then all we have to do is reach that state.

That brings me to the question of the state of no emotion. I would say that it exists. I think this state might be so important as to be the catalyst for other dimensions of life. And it is so often overlooked. I will now pose a very brave thesis, and I don't often do that. Whenever I can, I try to be skeptical and not settle for dogmas. But this time, it is not even a dogma. I can say with full certainty that I have experienced this state. And I believe I'm talking about something similar to what is called nirvana or mukti, or just enlightenment.

And what exactly is it? It is very elusive, that's for sure. I have reached it a few times by, funnily enough, breathing in a certain way. I did it through a breathing method proposed by a man named Wim Hof, who has a large following on social media. He's a funny old man, but this stuff really works, especially if you're very alert of what's happening in your body (for me, the alertness came from either smoking marijuana, very deep meditation, hours of sitting in silence or just by chance).

But that breathing method was just one way of reaching this state. Other times I got there by sitting in silence for long periods of time (up to 4.5 hours). What happens then is that the bond you feel to your body and mind fades away. You feel light and eventually immaterial. In my case, I felt like I'm becoming an idea, that each and every part of my body works to produce the most elemental ideas based on some binary system until I reach the final binary idea, the final dichotomy.

What is that dichotomy? I don't know. It's too vague to talk about and yet too elemental. I can poetically call it black and white, being and non-being, yin and yang. This problem is final. I know there is nothing else when I go further; I can't go further. It is either everything or nothing. When I first reached this problem, I didn't know what to do. I thought I was dying, I thought I would stay in this paranoia forever, like a prison; I felt like I knew what it was to be crazy, literally insane.

And this state of existential crisis lasted a couple of days. I had a massive headache and couldn't pick myself up. But eventually it faded away. During this crisis, along with all the pain and fear, I was hoping that this might actually be a gateway to something bigger. And I think it was. I decided to try it again and again (I was meditating with the help of marijuana). And after a few encounters with this final dichotomy that I had feared so much, one time when I got there, something happened.

That something was an uncontrollable move of my body and what I think was a momentary loss of consciousness. And that was certainly a state of no emotion. It was a state of undeniable bliss, which made me want to follow a path of a different kind of truth. Before that I had always ignored such experiences, I didn't think they were real. But there I was, sitting in my room feeling something I have never even dreamt of feeling before.

Since then I've always wanted to return to that state, and I've done it countless times, every time being amazed. Let me just say that I have done it sober as well. Eventually I realised that I can't just ignore such a highly spiritual experience right under my nose. This has seriously made me reconsider all my previous beliefs about truth. That's because I realised that all worldly problems, if looked at through the lens of truth can be essentially narrowed down to the simplest dichotomy of two ideal opposites.

If that is the case, all problems are just tiny specs within the one, gigantic (or rather size-less), final problem. And I couldn't solve that problem, it only caused me pain, suffering and paranoia. I don't know if anyone can, but what I realised from this, is that you can't focus on a mundane problem without actually touching (even unconsciously) the final problem in some way. You just aren't aware of that. Most of us are only aware of the problem at hand, but if we looked closer every time, we would always see that we're just dealing with the same game of black and white (as Alan Watts said).

So that's how far the truth can get us. It leads us from focusing on the small problem at hand to the final problem. What can we do then? Which is the right one? Should we choose one? I don't think you should choose one here, because this is where dogma comes from, and we know that dogma makes us arrogant, which may make us unpleasant to others or ignorant of crucial questions posed against our dogma. Well, what do I do then?

And that question I am happy to leave to You, the reader. Because at this point, I'm in no place to preach what is right and what is wrong. For my part, I just realised that you can't solve every problem with logic. This final problem is too vague and too emotionless for me to choose one. I think at this point I should accept the existence of both, and instead of a problem, look at them as coexistence. And when I look at it like that, through the lens of love (or just inclusion, if you find the other word cliché), I do find a new dimension that I talked of in my previous post. It is the first step (or whatever number) on the path of some serious duude moments.