#but that was easily one of the best concerts i’ve ever been to. SUCH a good show

[sophieebridgerton]

on the bus now so let me say: SLAYYYYYYYYYYYY

[elposting]

I JUST GOT BACK FROM SEEING BOOK OF MORMON ON WEST END AND IT WAS THE GREATEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD

little debrief/me chatting/face reveal???

My dad surprised me with first row center tickets last night and I’ve been begging him to see the show for so long I was sooo freaking excited

I was literally grinning ear to ear through the entire thing. Easily makes my top three best things I’ve ever been to (Taylor swift concert, snl barricades are the other two lol).

This was my first time sitting front row at professional theater and it was so worth it. Its literally magical and I hope everyone gets to experience it at some point

Rest of post below the cut! Somewhat long post sorry i have a lot to say lol (pics and vids too! and ill reblog this with the curtain call video i got)

OK now to the show

- colin was so fucking funny as mckinley I was literally dying and turn it off was so good. I tried to squint through the darkness to see the quick change but I couldn’t lol, guess that one video is the only way ill ever see them actually doing it lol

- baptize me was the best and funniest thing I’ve seen in a long long time. the entire audience was dying laughing the entire time. and the detail of naba’s shirt being wet after the gets baptized. wonderful

- idk how long they’ve been doing this for but after price comes into the mission hut with blood all over him the other elders start freaking out until poptarts just screams, silences everyone, and does the turn it off motion and all of them get calm and it was so fucking funny oh my god

- mckinley trying to stop the play in the middle of it. just starts clapping and trying to step in front of naba. colin!mckinley I love you so much

- the guy who played church looked identical to rory o’malley and i kept getting distracted by that so i missed McKinley’s enterance in smhd and the build up to price’s “fuck him” bc I kept looking at him 😭

- conner/cunningham is so fucking good. He is so funny I could not stop laughing. one of my favorite cunninghams ever. he made me love arnold sm more now. and he is SUCH a great singer like genuinely fantastic

—

STAGE DOOR TIME!!

- stage door culture for west end is so much different than broadway!! I forgot to bring a pen (on Broadway everyone has their own sharpies) so I shared with this one girl and her mom from Mexico, they were the only other people there

- my dad told conner he was better than josh gad and he was like who??? we don’t talk about him!! It was so funny lol

me and conner this vid is so goofy I love it

here's me and my best friend in the whole wide world colin burnicle (who looked at me weird when I told him all I wanted to do for the rest of my life was watch turn it off over and over again)

me and blair who was so good and he told me he recognized me from my shirt in the front row lol told me I looked like I was having a blast. love u blair 😘 tall king

charlie barnard cutie patootie

and my absolute fave pic of the night me and richard/mafala i love this man

oh and finally I got sm signatures and if (when) I see it on broadway and tour everyone else will be signing the book and if i meet matt and trey (or anyone in obc) i will beg them to sign it too

thank you for coming to my ted talk

[svt-nari]

you don’t remember?

— time period: end of 2019, during the ode to you tour in osaka.

a/n: this was requested, hope you like it! also,,, not proofread! this is the longest chapter i’ve ever written for nari 🥹

“okay, i’ll call you later, love.”, she smiled with her phone against her ear, shoulder pressed to the wall next to her. “i have to rehearse for the concert. love you!”

as she hang up, nari sighed. she could feel the tears forming in her eyes. she felt so overwhelmed and she missed her boyfriend so much. baekhyun always helped her feel better whenever she was like this, but it seemed like today neither him could help her.

nari knew her anxiety was in another level, specially with all the pressure and the nervousness from performing in front of thousands of people. she felt like it had been forever, even though it hasn’t been that long since they performed for a big crowd. though, her mind never thought about herself first. because even if she felt like that, nari couldn’t find it in herself to tell her members - if she was feeling like this, they were probably worse.

her head felt a bit heavy, the lack of food in her system making itself present at the moment. she knew she didn’t have time for this as they had to rehearse since it was the first show in japan in a while. because of this she rested as much as she could and got up just for the rehearsal, skipping her breakfast and the usual vitamins she took in the morning. nari opted to just shook her head, putting her freshly blonde hair in a low ponytail and her hat on her head. it was going to be a long day.

“are you okay, nari-ssi?”, she heard one of the staffs ask and nari gave her a small smile with a nod. the staff felt a bit skeptical considering her pale lips and tired gaze but left it nonetheless, not before telling nari’s manager about her concern.

as nari got on stage, she could see the boys joking around, laughing with each other and giving tips on what they thought that could be better. she usually felt happy and at home whenever they were all in a good mood, though, today her head started pounding as soon as she got up there. the noises being a sort of trigger for her as she wasn’t feeling too well. the closer she got to them, the louder the noises got. she was used to their loudness but due to her state it was irritating her a bit. and they could tell by her expressionless face.

the moment she got to her position the talking stopped so they could start the rehearsal. it was okay for the first few songs, nari felt like she could do it without any incidents. she felt confident in herself when she didn’t faint during hit, her dizziness got the best of her but she was able to pass it as normal. though, as soon as ‘very nice’ started playing she knew it wasn’t going to end up well.

nari’s head felt heavy, her body felt like it was floating. she wanted to lay down and some of the members noticed her tired state. mingyu even told her to sit down for a bit but she refused, stating that she could finish it.

“if you all can do this i must do too, can’t let the team down..”, she muttered weakly with a forced smile.

the boys knew she wasn’t going to let up so easily and let her be — but kept on looking her over anytime they could. though, as the first jump move happened, nari ended up losing her balance and got too close to the edge of the stage to regain her balance and breath out. she ended up stumbling once again because of the dizziness from leaning on her knees and ended up falling down the stage. the fall being at least 2 meters away from the ground. the world seemed to stop at that moment. everyone gasped as soon as she fell, the music stopping as the members and the staff crew surrounded nari.

they all had worried gazes, specially her members when they spotted some blood on her head. she had fallen head first on the hard ground, which made a huge cut appear right where she hit her head due to the harshness of the fall. a bloodied mic pack placed right beside her head, indicating that it must have ‘helped’ her cut happen.

as soon as it happened the medical team was already working on nari, being careful with her as they put her unconscious body on a hospital bed to bring her backstage. as she got there the paramedics rapidly rushed her to the ambulance, seungcheol frantically ran after them to be able to reach them before they went.

“seungcheol-ah…”, their manager stopped him. “i’ll go with her, you stay and care for the other members, okay? you can go as soon as you finish the rehearsal, she will need to be treated and there’s paperwork to fill.”, he sighed, signaling to the paramedics he was going with them. “so stay, please. and call me once you get there.”

the leader nodded and watched as they took off, sighing to himself and silently praying that she would be fine.

“hyung… is noona going to be okay? can we go with them?”, dino asked, looking worriedly in the direction they took nari in.

“we’ll all go after the rehearsal. i’m just as worried as you all but it’s better if manager-nim goes so he can work with the hospital papers and the company.”, he sighed, rubbing his face as his mind ran with thoughts of the girl. “i promise we’ll go as soon as we finish here, the concert’s tomorrow and we have to work on the final touches.”

the other boys nodded and got into position, the rehearsal’s mood being completely gloomy. it had happened so fast, no one had time to do anything. before they knew it she was already laying on the ground. it was probably the one scene they would never like to replay, specially because of the fear of loosing their member that they are currently dealing with.

the blood made it all so scary, her closed eyes and unmoving body just added to it all. no one knew if she was okay and no one could concentrate because of this, the worry being evident in their shaking bodies and shaken up voices whenever they sang. seungkwan had tears in his eyes while wonwoo had a serious expression on his face. no one was able to hide how they were feeling - and the staffs knew that. that’s why the rehearsal was cut short and they were told to rush to the hospital to see the girl.

“go, the rehearsal is over for now.”

as soon as she muttered these words everyone was out of the stadium, on the way to the hospital they took nari to.

“is she okay? will someone answer her phone if i call her?”, seokmin wondered, gazing down at the device in his hands.

“don’t even bother, seokminie…”, jeonghan sighed. “i’ve got her phone with me, it fell from her pocket when… yeah…”, he trailed off, playing with her phone case. he smiled when he saw it, remembering how excited she was when she found the hello kitty case.

“i tried calling manager-nim but he won’t answer…”, seungcheol fumed out, a frown etched onto his features.

this just made everyone even more worried, questions running through their minds. suddenly the minibus felt too tight, the thoughts running wild through them.

is she okay? did she have to undergo surgery? did it mess with her head? god, how they wished to know something soon.

the moment the car stopped moving everyone flew to the reception, the staff giving them instructions on how to get the her room. they rushed to the elevators, hitting the highest floor to get to thwart secluded rooms.

they quietly walked through the giant white hall, heaving sighs when they found her room and entering it as quietly as they could.

when their eyes feel onto her everyone let another scared sigh leave their mouths. seeing her laying there unconscious, with just a huge bandage on her head made them feel better - at least she didn’t have to go under surgery. though, as much as they felt relieved, the sight of her with those wires connected to her body made them feel uneasy. she had medicine being injected into her body and a machine helping her breath better, a mask placed onto her mouth.

all thirteen pairs of eyes fell onto the door when they heard it open, immediately bombarding the manager with questions as soon as they saw him.

“boys!”, he whisper-shouted. “you have to behave, she’s asleep and need as much rest as possible!” he shushed them quickly. “also, you should have called me when you arrived.”

they apologized, bowing their heads to show how sorry they felt. the man just sighed, smiling fondly because of the situation. they cared so much for her that they couldn’t help but be eager to know about her condition.

“she went under lots of tests and came back some minutes ago, her results were just handed to me by her doctor.”, he explained calmly. “i need you all to stay calm while i explain some things about her condition to you, okay?”

the boys nodded and gave him a sign to keep talking, making the other man clear his throat to continue.

“first of all,” he started. “she had a injured ankle because of the fall, nari ended up twisting it pretty badly when she stumbled and it caused a small fracture when she landed on the ground. they said that some weeks off her feet will heal it completely.”, the men all sighed, thanking the heavens for this news. “also, she bruised her left rib - the one she feel onto. she needs to rest so it can go back to what it was.”

everyone sighed in relief once again, though the “good” news didn’t last for that long.

“now for the worst part…”, their manager sighed. “she had a concussion, her head hit the ground harshly because she fell head first.“, he paused for a bit to take a look at the boys. they all had worried expressions plastered onto their faces. “i need you all to hear me out before you say anything. so, don’t. freak. out.”

coups told them to stay quiet and sit down somewhere, sensing this wasn’t going to be a nice thing to talk about and fearing that they would get too agitated at the news.

“okay…”, the man sighed. “there’s a high chance that nari will have some memory loss.”, gasps could be heard around the room. “the hippocampus part of her brain was the side that she hit, this can cause some memory loss. they aren’t sure if this will really happen nor if it’s going to be a short or long-term loss, but there’s a big possibility of it happening.”

everyone was left speechless. did that mean that she wouldn’t remember them? that she wouldn’t remember about her job? that she would forget their memories all together? they didn’t know how to feel yet, the possibility of it happening leaving them a bit scared of the upcoming hours.

it had been some hours since they arrived when nari finally woke up. she groaned because of the harsh sunlight hitting her face which attracted the attention of the members, jeonghan quickly going to her side so she could see him and know she wasn’t all alone.

“hi, nari-ya.”, he smiled softly, rubbing her hand with his thumb. “are you feeling any pain?”

she shook her head, regretting it immediately as a sudden ache went through her head. she quickly squeezed her eyes again, moaning at the sudden pain she felt. seungkwan nudged mingyu who then hit the medical button, patiently waiting for a doctor’s arrival.

“w-what happened?”, she croaked out. “my head hurts… can i get some water?”

chan nodded from beside jeonghan, getting a cup from the bedside table and filling it with some water from the jug next to it. he quickly turned back to her and handed the cup carefully to the girl, being mindful of her rib and helping her sit up to drink from the cup. she smiled weakly at that and patted his arm, thanking him as she took a sip.

“you fell, nari-ya.”, coups explained, patting her leg hidden by the fluffy hospital blanket. “you ended up hitting your head and got some injuries. you need to rest for now, so lay down again.”

nari sighed and - with help from the others - laid down once again. she moved her ankle slightly and hissed in pain, stopping her actions immediately. her body felt heavy because of the medicine and her head throbbed slightly, but she felt better nonetheless. specially because they were there.

“thank god she didn’t forget about us, i was so scared it would happen…”, seungkwan mumbled to dokyeom, both of them nodding.

“well, looks like you woke up, ms. hwang.”, the doctor entered the room, the members straightening their postures and bowing to the man. “how are you feeling?”

“my head hurts and my ankle too, i can’t sit up because it hurts to move but they helped me to so i could drink water.”, she explained, making a face as a hard wave of pain coursed through her head due to the sunlight, joshua noticed and quickly shut the blinds.

“it was bond to happen because of your injuries, you had a pretty bad fall. you have a injured ankle and a bruised rib, so you need to rest to have it fixed. also,” he paused to look over her files, getting a pen from his pocket. “you had a concussion, your head was hit pretty hard during it and we should get you checked up once again now that you’re awake.”

she nodded softly, trying to not move much so her injuries wouldn’t hurt. the doctor came closer to her, getting a small led pen from his pocket and started to examine her eyes, telling her to follow the light with them. she did as told and he wrote some things down before getting back to examining her.

“i will ask you some questions, is that okay?”, she agreed, looking up at him. “do you remember where you were?”

“i… i can’t really tell…”, she answered.

“do you remember anything about earlier?”, she softly denied, her eyes filling up with tears. “can you tell me about your life for a bit then?”

“well… my name is hwang nari, i’m 20 years old…”, nari told him, earning some gasps around the room. “hm, i’m an idol. also me and my brothers we just debuted. we have a comeback coming up and i can’t be injured for it…”, she mumbled out, obviously upset at the thought of not participating of the ‘first’ comeback.

seungkwan, hoshi, dokyeom and chan quickly excused themselves from the room and went outside. they all had tears in their eyes. she couldn’t remember they were on tour and about their successful journey, nari doesn’t remember anything from 2015 until now. how were they supposed to go back to touring if their sister didn’t even now they were doing it in the first place? was she just messing around with them because she wanted to see their reactions? god, they were so confused about it all.

what made them even more emotional was the fact that the first thing she thought about was their comeback and how much she cared for it. nari never wanted to disappoint anyone, even if she was injured and none of it was her fault.

nari felt really confused when she saw the expressions on their faces. they seemed… sad? confused? she didn’t really know, the hwang girl could only imagine what was going through their minds.

but it nowhere came close to what was actually running through the 13 boys’ minds.

all rights reserved © svt-nari, 2024

the request:

thanks for requesting, lovely! <3

[sxtvrns]

publicly romantic

🎶 now playing: in my heart (demo) - grentperez

P: Lee Felix x Fem!Reader

S: He fell first, and he fell hard. When you were on the big screen behind him, he knew he fell for you even more.

W: fluff, drabble because im in my kpop era now, no knowledge of skz at all, short

N: if im being honest guys the only reason i decided to write this was because i got inspired by those fan dance things during their world tour ive only ever listened to case 143 and i apologize if this makes me an outsider but i thought this was cute okay enjoy the content

please interact if you enjoy!

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When your boyfriend said he was going on a world tour, you did not think it was going to last for nearly an entire year. JYP better give them a break after this.

Dating Felix was a handful. He was always busy and his schedule was packed, you both were travelling constantly, having a home in Sydney and in Seoul. With the tour on his hands as well, it didn’t make it any easier. You saw all the edits of him flooding the internet, all of them reminding you of how much you missed your boyfriend.

So when you were told he was going to Australia, and you were conveniently going to be there at the same time as his concert, you had your fingers crossed you could get tickets. You didn’t care if you were in the pit or in the nosebleeds; you were happy to even be in the same room as him for a little while, even if you had to admire him from afar.

You texted him and called him as much as you could. Whenever your phone rang, you always assumed he was on a break or had free time, knowing that it probably meant the rest of the day was full of work. The amount of people that love him reminds you of how lucky you are to have such a handsome guy who seems so out of reach be your boyfriend.

Things weren’t kept secret for long. When you visited Felix one time, he forgot he was live, saying your name and three forbidden words out loud and straight to the camera: I love you. You never showed your face that live, your hand merely waving hello. It wasn’t until you left the room that both of you had realized what he’d done.

You came into his room after he finished his live, putting his phone away. “What the fuck did you do.” You say, more of a statement rather than a question. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to– it just slipped out!”

“If I knew you were going live, I wouldn’t have come. You slip up easily whenever I’m around.”

“That’s because I love you. And that’s also exactly why I didn’t tell you because I wanted to see you.”

You pace around the room, panicking. “JYP’s gonna kill us. He’s gonna kill you. Your fans are gonna come and kill me!”

“He already knows.”

“What do you mean, ‘he knows’?”

“Chan accidentally ran his mouth. If anything, you wouldn’t be in my room right now if JYP forced me to break up with you. He just told me to be careful… and I do. Ever since we started dating, I’ve been careful.” He sighs, setting his phone down and walking up to you. “I’m sorry. I… you can stay here for a few days if you’re too scared to go outside.”

He knew that people could find what you look like and all your other information with a mere search of your name. This wasn’t the same as other people knowing who his sisters were. Him getting into a dating scandal would jeopardize your safety and his group. He didn’t care about his group at the moment, he was scared for you.

“I… I’d like that, actually. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I assume that means you don’t mind sharing a bed? Unless you want me to sleep on the floor.”

“You really think I want you to sleep on the floor after the amount of time we’ve been apart?” Your response makes him smile, pressing a kiss to your forehead and pulling you in for a hug, his hand caressing the top of your head. “I’m really sorry. I know I messed up. And I’m sorry I can’t be there for you all the time.”

“I know. It’s okay. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough. I know you’re working hard and you’re busy. But… I’m hoping we can still try to enjoy ourselves for the time being.”

He pulls away to look at your face, being confused about your sudden switch up.

“Yes, I’m scared, yes, my life is probably going to be in danger at some point, but I did not come to see you just to worry about this and our relationship going public. It’s out there now, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I know I was panicking about it a few seconds ago, but I’ve come to terms that it happened already. I forgive you. And honestly, I’m glad that you’re that comfortable with me to say it in front of thousands of people.”

“I’m sorry–“

“You’ve apologized enough. It’s okay now.” You cut him off, going onto your tip toes to kiss his nose. “Can we order something? I’m hungry.”

“You didn’t think of doing that before my live ended?”

“I was gonna ask you, but I felt I intruded already.”

After that whole fiasco, people found your social media accounts, some of them even following you, flooding your comments with nothing but sentences that had the name Felix in it at least once. You got a few death threats even, but you tried to not let it get to you too much. It made you a bit paranoid, but the more you went out, the more you forgot about them.

Articles were written; Tiktoks and edits took over your feed about the ‘mystery girl’ or ‘Y/N’ behind the camera that gave Felix heart eyes whenever he looked at you. Eventually, they found out what you looked like, and though you were expecting insults, you were instead given compliments.

Pretty, adorable, beautiful… words that made you feel comfortable to be a part of Felix’s life publicly. He never brought it up during conversations or interviews unless another person did, which, he was very cautious with what he was saying.

You had your fair share of hate. It bothered you a little bit, but then remembered the only reason they hated you was that you had something they didn’t: Felix. His love and affection, his admiration and attention. It boosted your ego unhealthily, but you weren’t gonna get all full of yourself over it.

He wasn’t necessarily open about his relationship. He wouldn’t bring up the topic himself; usually someone else would have to. He would answer any questions, but there was always a limit to them. He was all nice about it though, always asking you after if what he said was okay to share with others.

“‘How’s Y/N?’ She’s good. She’s actually visiting, so I hope I’m not too loud.”

“‘How did you two meet?’ She does camerawork and paid us a visit, shadowing someone else. She always came along for a few shoots in a row, but I didn’t want to miss the opportunity so I just asked when no one was looking.”

“You wanna see her? She’s not too comfortable on camera, so I don’t think–“

“Felix, do you want this?”

You look at his tripod set up, then his surprised expression, as if he’d seen a ghost. “What’s wrong? Am I interrupting?”

“Nothing. What is that?”

“It’s a grilled cheese. I put the last of your gochujang in the butter.”

“Ah, thanks, we needed to get rid of it somehow.” You eye the camera. “Your face isn’t showing.” He clarifies, allowing you to walk into frame, letting him take a bite of the sandwich. His eyes light up, enthusiastically nodding. “It’s good!”

“Do you want it? I’ll make another one for myself.” He nods, taking the plate from you. “Thank you!” He says, mouth full as you walk out the door. “Look at this, guys. You guys summoned her, now I get good food.” He bites into it again, visibly enjoying the simple sandwich you made. “I love my girlfriend.”

The clip went viral. It’s now one of Felix’s iconic moments, and the first of your own.

You two were certainly romantic, private and in public. On the occasion you’d post photos of the two of you together, and you were also open about it if you were to do lives together. You weren’t in every live, but he invited you once and it was fun, so you were open to other opportunities.

You kept your hood on, which hid your face a bit well enough on camera.

“Y/N, what are we making?”

“Rose tteokbokki.”

“If you don’t know already, my girlfriend is an amazing cook and she gives me food sometimes during some of my other lives.”

“Then Felix makes brownies after and it’s a full meal.”

He notices your amount of clothing, greater than his. “Why are you wearing your hoodie? Is it not warm?”

“I’m hiding myself, I’m scared.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of when you’re so pretty.”

“I cannot believe you’re flirting with me in front of over a hundred thousand people.”

“They deserve to know.”

His hand rests atop your head, his fingers gently gripping the hood. You let him take it off, fixing your hair right after. “Isn’t she pretty?” He shows you off to the camera before you hide your face in his chest.

You sat in an innocent little bubble tea shop, scrolling on your phone when you get a call from him unexpectedly. “Hello?” You greet, sipping on your drink. “Y/N, do you wanna come backstage after the concert? Feels like it’s been forever since I’ve last seen you.”

“Probably because it has. Can you really do that?”

“Chan’s parents and siblings are coming, and they’re going backstage, my sisters are coming too.”

“I mean, I’d like to, if it’s possible.”

He chuckles. “I’ll see you there.”

“Love you.”

There’s a brief pause, and you think about hanging up.

“Love you too.” He mutters, ending the call. It wasn’t very ‘professional’ of him to be calling his girlfriend when he should have been out there practicing, but he’s been kept from you long enough. He just couldn’t help himself.

And besides, he’d do anything for you.

As if it were a coincidence, it turned out you were sitting next to Hannah, who greeted you with a hug when she saw you sit down in the seat beside hers. Now you were sitting in your nosebleed seat, eagerly leaning forward to stare at the screen, the sudden random play dance coming on.

From your knowledge, a camera would focus on a certain fan in the audience, mostly in the further back, said fan having to follow one of the boy group’s dances. This would usually come on mid performance, meaning the members would be watching as well.

You’re so engaged staring at the screen, excited to see who’s on next that you don’t realize that it’s you. “Y/N!” Chan says, looking over at Felix. The choreography for God’s Menu begins to play as Hannah forces you up onto your feet, cheering you on.

You hand her your lightstick and place your bag down, forcing yourself to get over it and just do the dance for the few seconds you’re on screen. In your opinion, you did pretty well, judging from the screams that erupted from every inch of the room. You do the ending fairy, leaning against the railing again with a hand under your chin, sending a wink and a flying kiss across the arena. You immediately get shy, hiding your face in Hannah’s shoulder.

“Wow.” Felix starts, feeling Chan pat his back. “That’s my girlfriend, everyone.” He points in your direction, the arena flooded with screams as Felix’s ears and face slowly go red on the screen. You feel your own face heat up as you cover it, Hannah shaking you uncontrollably. “He’s blushing!” Han teases, pointing at your boyfriend’s crimson face. “C’mon, man, say something to her!” Chan says, ushering him closer to the edge of the stage.

“Y/N, I love you!” He holds a finger heart up, sending a flying kiss back to you. Your face goes warm at his bold move, yet you feel pride that he’s comfortable to do that openly in an arena full of his screaming fans. “Don’t cover your smile, you’re beautiful.” The screams somehow get even louder, and you feel as though a million eyes are on you as you wave your lightstick gleefully.

“Aww, so sweet!” Seungmin adds, poking at Felix’s open affection.

“Do you guys wanna know what Felix does? He scrolls through her photos sometimes before practice and he comes back all red. His excuse was that warm up was tough on him.” Chan exposes, though isn’t immediately stopped by his friend. You laugh at the thought, it being heartwarming at the same time.

You wait with Hannah, her parents, and Felix’s family after the concert, seeing Chan walk out first and greet his family, then you. “Felix ‘s coming, just grabbing something.” You nod, letting him reunite with his family for the time being. You smile at his feuding with his sister, feeling a tap on your shoulder.

Felix is standing right behind you with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen, and you practically jump into his arms. “Geez, I’m so sorry, I smell so bad.” His sweat makes your hands cling to him, yet when you look at his face, it made him all the more attractive. Still smelly, but somehow sexy at the same time. He had a towel on his shoulder, wiping his sweat off as best he could. He pulls away to greet his mom and his sisters, taking their pictures for them. You watched in awe how sweet their connection was and how close they were.

You overheard his mom talking to him before they left. “Treat her good, okay? You don’t want to lose her.” Your heart melts, now aware you’ve truly earned his mother’s approval. He walks over to you, stopping to simply admire you, his hand tucking your hair behind your ear.

“My god, you’re beautiful. I’ve missed you so much.” He mutters, the words making you blush and jump onto him for a long awaited kiss. One of those long, cheesy movie kisses was a way to describe it, but who cares if it was cheesy, you finally got to kiss him after months of being away from each other. “Loved your dance, by the way. When’d you get the time to learn that?”

“Circumstances. Figured it’d be best to be prepared.”

“You did fuckin’ amazing, then.” His hand covers his mouth, eyes widened in shock. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“You aren’t live anymore, it’s fine.”

“Still felt wrong.”

“Do you guys want me to take a picture of you?” Hannah appears out of nowhere, startling you. You nod, handing her your phone, posing for a couple pictures, feeling Felix’s hand on your hip the entire time. “Alright, now kiss!” Hannah says jokingly, Chan shoving her shoulder.

“Seriously–“ You get cut off by Felix’s lips on yours, smiling into the kiss. Hannah eagerly takes photos, even when he pulls away, simply staring into your eyes as if he could see a whole world behind them. “Can you post that?” He asks, his lips curling into a smirk.

“Am I allowed to?”

“I’m the one that asked.”

That was a yes.

When Hannah hands your phone back to you after scrolling through the photos, she says, “You know I was joking, right?” You huff with a smile, staring at the photo of the two of you kissing. “If Felix was given a chance to kiss me, he would do it in a heartbeat, no questions asked.”

missed this goofball <3 love you always and forever, lixie (ps i love ur abs)

YALL R SO CUTE

AWWWW

i want this SO BAD you dont understand

that should be me

SHE IS SO PRETTY

tbh felix same id fold too

HAHAHA CAPTION IS SO REAL

“Have you been doing that for every show?” You ask, Felix running his fingers through your hair. “Doing what?” His eyes dart from your eyes to your lips and back. “Showing your abs. Lifting your shirt up and shit.”

He chuckles, his smile so pure talking about such a suggestive topic. “Yeah, why?”

“You’re telling me if I went to your Korea concert, I would have seen your abs there too?”

“You can see my abs anytime, Y/N.”

“I can?”

“You’re my girlfriend, of course you can.”

“Well, I don’t see you enough to see them that often but–“ When you turn back, his shirt is lifted up, showing them off in the middle of a Sydney sidewalk at an ungodly hour in the morning. You yank his shirt back down, Felix laughing almost too loud. “How indecent of you.”

“If indecent is what it takes to make your face like that, I’ll be it all the time.”

“Shut up.”

“You know you like it.”

“Maybe I do, so what?” You turn your face away from him, feeling his fingers rest under your chin to face you towards him again. “So… show me that you like it.”

“Felix, I am not having sex with you in the middle of the sidewalk at one in the morning.”

“So you’d have sex with me if we weren’t on the sidewalk?”

“I don’t think I can even have sex with you. At all.”

“Who’s stopping us?”

“Your fans. Your company.”

“They don’t have to know.”

“‘lix–“

“I know, I know. I’m just joking. Maybe when this whole idol thing is over.”

“It’ll be a while, then.”

“Hope you’re still in love with me by the time I’m 30.”

“I’ll always be in love with you, ‘lix.”

“Really?” He stops in front of you. “Really.”

“You promise?” He holds out his pinkie finger. You hook your own with his. “Promise.”

And he kisses you. Again, and again, and again.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

i wanna be where you are; feel so close though you’re so far, you’re my girl. 🎧

[polyamorouspunk]

what’s it like going to a punk/metal show? I’ve always wanted to go to one but i live way too rural for there to be any nearby

Hmm, okay.

For me, personally, I always feel like I don’t belong there. But at the same time it feels like home.

And that goes for almost any show no matter the size.

There are exceptions! I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way at an INK show, and I didn’t feel that way going to see them with Metallica. There were people of all ages and race etc. at Metallica, from downright conservatives to queer as fuck folks.

Looking around at Beartooth I had a hard time not comparing myself to others. I wasn’t traditionally pretty like the skinny white sorority looking girls. I didn’t feel like I looked “hardcore” enough. I didn’t feel like I looked queer enough. But at the end of the day you’re in a stadium full of other people who get you in some way or another.

I’ve never been to a show where I didn’t end up talking to someone. I’ve always been able to make conversation with those around me with ease. It’s an ease that is different than talking to people in public. Maybe more similar to if you went to a convention and there are a ton of people in costumes and you’re able to just walk up to them and tell them you like their cosplay. Or you’re standing at a booth and a group of friends is fawning over a button pin or a sticker the artist is selling and you chime in and agree it’s super cute and you were thinking of getting it yourself. Small talk like that.

Smaller scene shows can be hard to break into and feel comfortable talking to people like that if everyone knows each other and you don’t know any of them. It’s a lot easier if THEY come to you.

Going to a show, by the time the opening acts are through, your hearing is fucked up, and you’re hearing everything as if you’re underwater. If you know the songs you can pick them out and sing along, but if you don’t, you’re not picking up on much because it all just sounds like noise soup.

Every once in a while you have to stop what you’re doing (filming, vibing, drinking, smoking, etc.) to help crowd surf someone. Sometimes you’re helping the same person crowd surf like 8 times.

I’ve never seen anyone say that someone was too big to crowd surf. Big tiddy goth girls? They crowd surfing.

You have to be okay with other people touching you. You have to be okay with getting grabbed, getting pushed, getting shoved, getting hands laid on you, etc. and you have to not freak out about it.

It becomes VERY easy to get separated from people you’re with, but everyone around you is cool, so it’s fine.

I saw a fight break out at Beartooth RIGHT inbetween my best friend and I, and we were on opposite sides, and it was enough Caleb stopped the show, and they cussed each other out, and then made up and hugged it out after. You have to learn to not be afraid of these people, even if they are people you would never associate with otherwise.

Of course shit happens. People get drunk, people get high, etc. and a lot of times if something happens you hear about it after the fact, but I haven’t had that happen honestly.

You get this sort of anxiety beforehand, waiting in line. No matter what I feel like I always have anxiety at shows. It goes away and gets replaced by this euphoric high though that a few days later leaves you deprived of that chemical and you FEEL a depression. Post-concert blues is a REAL fucking thing. It’s very hard to go back to your “normal” life after an amazing night. Truly “I shouldn’t be here, I should be at a concert right now”.

Trash everywhere.

Smaller shows are personal enough you can just hang out and talk to artists. A lot of them are just people with regular day jobs who do this on the side. Slightly larger bands might do music as a full time gig but work their own merch table and stuff so you can go talk to them. You can pretty easily find them outside the venue and just sit down and hang out with them. I ran into Remington Leith of Palaye Royale the first Warped tour I ever went to and I walked around with him a bit. I found Tallah outside the venue when I went the other week and just sat with them while I scrolled through tumblr and listened to them talk to each other and occasionally chimed in and talked to them. Alex said she liked my homemade Tallah shirt. They were looking at a weird bug. I asked about it. Shit like that.

When I went to see Beartooth I could see Caleb side stage and I excitedly pointed him out to my best friend and she was like idk who that is and I said he was the lead singer of Beartooth and I had to mime that I had a crush on him. Embarrassing shit.

The singers will talk to the audience on stage. Sometimes they ramble on, sometimes they perform bits, like comedy. Caleb was talking about how he’d played the venue we saw them in more times than any other venue.

Moshing starts off strong and then dies down quickly a lot. A singer will fire up the crowd and it does not last. People are tired.

Costumes? A lot of costumes. Both the bands and the fans.

Sometimes the merch line is worth it, sometimes it is not.

I personally never get food or drink at concerts. I also don’t wear hearing protection. I really, really should. But I don’t. There is nothing unsexy about hearing protection.

Someone’s head is always in the way and when it’a not it’s truly a magical moment blessed from the gods.

You may get stuff thrown at or dumped on you. It happens. Once again you just gotta be cool with it.

If you don’t want to be in the pit everyone just kind of shuffles away and if you do you gotta push through and be like “LET ME IN”. 90% of people there do not want to be in the mosh pit. We are old and decrepit. Also that much attention on me would make me anxious.

Every band is just a group of Some Guys™️ truly. Just some fucking dudes. Sometimes there are girls and they are hot. Hi Alex from Tallah.

Lead singers love to climb things. Guitarists love to spin in circles. Drummers like to go hard for drum solos and they’re right and they should s(pl)ay it.

Local shows you’ll probably end up knowing some people by sight at least if not by name if you go more than once. So far people have come up to me and introduced themselves so I know some faces. It’s hard to not have imposter syndrome about it, at least for me. It’s hard not to feel transient or like you don’t belong when everyone knows each other and has history and talks about “hey were you there when-” “YEAH I WAS” and you don’t see any of these people ever. They’ll include you as best as they can but it can still be kind of isolating.

I’m sure if you’re already a pillar in your scene, then it’s truly a life style. Drinking, smoking, hosting shows in your bedroom, going to other shows in other people’s bedrooms and living rooms, house parties ever weekend or shows at the local venue where you know everyone that works there. Shit like that.

This has been a mix of my experiences the last few shows I’ve been to, which in order, has been Tallah, Beartooth, Metallica, and then just a house party with DJs.

[jasntodds]

Caving In [7]

Pairing: Gar Logan x Fem!Powered!Reader, Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader

Words: 16,820 (I know)

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of almost being murdered, blood, violence, fluff, the chapter is “if it’s too much to carry” because of the song by the same name by Jansen, The wldlfe, Jason is soft for 1 person and it’s the reader, Dick blames Jason for everything, mentions of being held captive, mentions of abuse (nothing in detail), this ends up being the softest thing I’ve ever written so

Summary: ❝Tell me Atlas: What is heavier, The world or its people’s hearts?❞ You never expected your life to end up this way, turned upside down by an infamous Gotham villain. It’s been a living hell, every single day, until Dick Grayson brings you to Titans tower where you meet Gar Logan and Jason Todd.

A/N: This is my favorite chapter!!!!! I’ve been looking forward to this since I wrote it so I hope you guys like it lol I am easily motivated to post more often when I get feedback 😂 The first few chapters take place between season 2 episode 1 and season 2 episode 2. You can add yourself the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary​​​ and turn on notifications if you prefer that!!

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

Over the next month, Gar and you continue to get closer. After the night you spent in Gar’s room, you both felt a bit closer. It was the best night's sleep you had gotten since your mom died. You didn’t even have a nightmare. You just slept the whole night perfectly comfortable against Gar. And Gar woke up with a lopsided grin that makes your stomach swirl. Since then though, you sleeping in his room has only happened one other time because you both fell asleep watching a movie. Neither of you really want to make it a routine too soon. You’re just friends and going through the motions of everything together.

But you’ve gotten to know each other through just hanging out. Gar has shown you almost all his favorite video games and you’ve made a good dent in movies Gar dreams as classics that you haven’t seen. You talked more about your hobbies, Gar finding out you prefer to rollerblade places rather a bike or walking and you found out Gar prefers a skateboard. It made you smile because it does fit him.

You talked more about your past lives, focusing more on happy moments like when you attended your first concert with your best friend. You beamed so wide, voice booming from the walls as you told Gar about the whole night. A storm hitting and the entire city losing power besides that arena, you getting to stand third row, the energy of place you explained as the closest to home you could get without being home. And Gar talked about his dad teaching him to ride a skateboard, how he fell several times and had his trucks so tight he couldn’t turn for over a month. He smiled and laughed the whole time, retelling the story of his mom being stressed cleaning his cut-up knees and hands. You spent hours just talking one night until Jason banged on your wall telling you to shut up. It only made you both laugh.

You and Jason have also been getting closer. You started training and the first week was pretty boring in comparison to what Jason had you do. But after a week and a half, Dick deemed you healed enough to train with the others. You still didn’t think it was enough. Two training sessions a day against two people who have already been training for 2 months and Jason who’s been training for over a year. You need to catch up so, you and Jason do an extra session late at night. Sometimes Gar even joins you and those are your favorites because it’s just the three of you. The three of you together have gotten close. Jason even tags along for some movie nights with just you and Gar, along with the movie nights with Rachel. Rachel doesn’t join you for the training though, she really does not like Jason.

Jason is still more closed off than Gar is but you tell him stuff and that gets him to talk a bit to you. Your conversations are either more banter-filled or a bit heavy. You both can talk about your trauma with each other in forms of a joke until one of you cracks and asks something a bit more serious. It’s one of the things you both kind of appreciate, the other knowing when the conversation should turn into something more productive without you having to get all dark and deep. And that’s something nice with having someone who’s gone through something similar with parental figures, it’s easier to talk about. But, you do talk about your interests.

You find out Jason hasn’t seen too many movies, mostly horror and comedies because that’s what he watched with his uncle. Jason is permanently invited to your and Gar's movie nights. And you find out he did the graffiti on his wall. Jason offers to add some to your wall as a joke but you jumps at it. And you tell him you tried before but could never grasp the whole spray paint thing.

Now, it’s your turn to pick a movie for group movie night and you pick Zombieland, a movie you declare as a classic and a must-watch. Jason and Rachel haven’t seen it but of course, Gar has and he backs your opinion of the movie. A classic horror comedy, a must.

“That’s the one with Emma Stone, right?” Jason asks as he plops down on the couch beside you, Gar following right behind him with two bowls of popcorn for the group to share.

“And Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg.” Gar states, taking his seat on the other side of you, sitting between you and Rachel.

“Who the hell is that?”

“The Social Network?” You question Jason and he just shakes his head. “You have really only seen like horror, huh?”

“It’s what my uncle watched.” Jason scoffs in defense.

“The Social Network is iconic.” Rachel states, stealing popcorn from one of the bowls.

“We’ll have to watch it. He plays Mark Zuckerberg.” You explain as you turn the TV on, ready to get the movie going but you’re sucked into a news report.

The other three continue the conversation about the Social Network and why Jason needs to see it. But, you’re so wrapped up in the news report, their voices are completely drowned out. Your breathing hitches and you instinctively hit the closed captains, making sure you’re hearing correctly and actually understand what they’re saying.

“What the fuck.” You mutter, seeing Jerry’s picture on the screen.

Your words grab the other three’s attention, all of them watching the news report. Jerry’s picture makes him look like not such a horrible guy. He’s got a big, warm, toothy smile. He looks like you’re average jo and it sends your blood into a rapid boil. They’re calling him an upstanding civilian. You shake your head letting out a dry, cold laugh. Jerry had supposedly saved a boy from a train, yanking him to safety and now the news says he’s such a great citizen. A real great guy who saved a kid, completely unaware of the horrors that took place in his very basement. Then they have the audacity to talk about how he tries to help kids all the time. It’s his true passion. He works with troubled youth at one of the youth centers in the city and wants kids to live up to their true potential. He explains, right to the camera with a big grin like he’s not a complete monster, that some kids need help to reach that. Not a punishment or to be looked down upon, just encouragement, to know they’re good enough and worth the effort. You nearly take your drink from the table and chuck it at the TV.

“What. The. Ever-living-FUCK.” You say, this time your voice is louder and filled with rage and shock. “What the fuck.” You’re almost shaking as you watch.

“Maybe we should shut this off.” Gar suggests, gently taking the remote from your hand before you start melting it.

“He’s such fucking liar and they’re all just eating it up!” You wave your hand at the TV in disbelief.

"The media loves a fake hero." Jason scoffs, sitting back in his seat with the shake of his head. It turns his stomach. Of all things for you to catch on the news, it's your captor being celebrated.

"I get permanently fucking traumatized and he gets a fucking medal." Tears sting the back of your eyes as anger courses through your veins. It feels like Jerry is spitting on the grave he dug for you.

"That's not right." Gar states, unsure of what to even say right now.

How is anyone supposed to comfort someone who's watching their abuser and kidnapper get recognition for being a good person? After they left them for dead, no less? Gar is pretty sure there are no words or actions that could possibly make you feel better or offer you any type of comfort. The most he can do right now is agree with you.

"Just turn on the fucking movie." You scoff, shaking your head as you match Jason's position.

Gar does as he's told and loads the movie, air in the room stiff. Gar wonders why Dick hasn't done anything. Maybe he thinks the four of you aren't ready to have a mission or maybe he thinks you’re too close to it, which you are, but surely something should have been done about him. It's more than it's you and they all know you and like you, it's that he almost killed you. Gar doesn't really understand how Dick didn't at least put on the Robin suit one last time and take care of him himself.

Jason glances to you and he wants to help. The guy should be dead for what he did and they still don't know if you were the only one he's done it to. He moved from Gotham, who's to say the reason he moved was because GCPD was actually catching onto something for once? You might not be the only one or the last one and this guy is just out there, claiming a sense of glory for making sure a kid didn't get killed by a train. That doesn't erase what he did or make some type of clean slate. He's a monster and someone should do something about the fucker.

But, none of them bring it up, they let you sit with it while the movie plays, almost hoping maybe it'll distract you. It is your choice and you raved about how it's one of your favorites. And it does help a little bit because Gar talks about how much he likes the typography animations of the film and Jason finds Columbus hilarious and can't believe he's survived the apocalypse so far. Rachel's favorite is, of course, Wichita. The three of them talking through the movie do lighten your mood enough to laugh when Tallahassee is so determined to get a fucking twinkie.

As the rest of the movie plays on, you shelve your anger about Jerry. You aren't going to let him ruin a movie night watching one of your favorite movies with people you actually like. So, you shelve it and figure you can deal with the anger later when you’re alone. You put on a happy face and joke with everyone else about the movie.

After the movie, you don't stay to talk like you normally do, a routine more that you, Gar, and Jason have developed since Rachel is normally pretty tired after the movie. Instead, you head to your room and lock yourself inside. The movie ended and the floodgates of fury opened. You can hear the broadcast echoing n the back of your head, seeing Jerry's face every time you blink. You can't let him live like that, thinking he got away with it. He can't just get away with what he did to you. With the public seeing him in such a good eye, he might get another foster kid. He'll say you ran away and foster kids do have a habit of doing that and then they'll probably give him another one. Another kid to torture and probably kill. You can't let that happen. So, you’re going to hatch a plan. But before you can get the plan worked out, a knock on your door pull your attention. You pause for just a second before choosing to ignore the knock.

"Y/n? It's Gar." Gar says through the door, worry laced in his words.

"Go away, please." You say, feeling bad for telling him to go away but not being in the mood to talk about anything. You don't want anyone to talk you out of this and Gar has the ability to do that.

"Please, let me in." Gar says through the door, his voice is a quiet plea and you ignore him again. He just wants to make sure you’re okay and you know that but you'll be fine after tonight. "Y/n?"  There's genuine concern in his voice this time and you can't leave him out there any longer.

You come to the door, opening it slowly. "I just want to be alone, Gar."

"Please talk to me." Gar keeps his stance outside the door. "I'm worried about you."

Worried.

You let out a breath, hanging your head before letting him in. You shut the door behind him while Gar looks around your room. It's really coming along now. Framed movie posters line every wall and two pairs of shoes sit on the foot of your bed. A few vinyls are sitting on a desk next to a black turn table.

"That newscast is messed up." Gar turns to face you, brows wrinkling together.

"Yeah, little do they know, right?" You scoff, feeling the anger bubble in your stomach.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Gar asks. "It's okay if you're not."

"I'm just...upset." You admit. "Just sucked, ya know? But I really don't want to talk about it."

Gar's brows are knitted together, the concern is almost radiating off of him. "Maybe you should. I'm worried about you." He says with honesty.

Your jaw clenches as you shake your head. "I'm not gonna do anything or go off the deep end, okay? I'm fine." You lie right through your teeth and you can feel the guilt coating your stomach like thick charcoal.

Gar huffs, getting frustrated because he knows you better than that now. You’re not okay because you always let him in your room. Always. "I don't believe you."

"Well, that sounds like a you problem." You quip so quickly, you didn't even think about talking to Gar and now you feel even worse about it. "Gar--"

"No, no it's fine." Gar scoffs. "My problem for caring, right?" He shrugs, a look of defeat-covered sadness fills his face.

"I didn't..." You pause. This is one of the reasons you didn't want him in here. You know how you get when you’re this kind of upset and that's mean. "I didn't mean it....like that. I just..." You let out a sigh of defeat. "Thank you for caring about me and trying to protect me but this isn't your problem and I am not gonna put that on you."

"You can." Gar says as if it's the easiest thing in the world.

"I know." You nod, taking a step towards him. "I don't want to, though." Your eyes scan over his face. You’re so scared of scarring him and ruining him. There's only so much one person can take and Gar has already been through so much and seen too much. It's not your job to bring him down the spiral with you. "I'm sorry, Gar."

Gar is really good at reading people. He's spent so much time alone or in silence around other people that reading them has become a second nature thing for him. He can just do it without even thinking about it and he's normally right. The way you’re talking to him, the way you’re dodging his eyes, the way you were faking a smile during a movie that's supposed to be your favorite, there is something serious going through your head. Gar has to think it's more than just flashbacks because you would tell him about it. You walk the tower together, every single night to make sure Jerry isn't around so you can sleep. You’ve popped into his room twice now due to a nightmare. Something is going on and he's scared for you.

"I just want you to tell me what's going on." Gar almost pleads with her.

"I just want to be alone." Your voice is defeated, almost begging him to understand. "Can we just talk tomorrow about it, please? I'll come to you, I will. But for tonight, I just want to be alone about it."

Gar nods and he gives up. He won't force you to talk even though he's worried. But, his biggest fear is you going after Jerry and you promised you wouldn't do that. So, he takes your word for it and accepts it.

"Promise?" Gar asks.

"I promise." You give him a soft and small cornered smile. "Thank you for being here for me. You're really sweet, Gar." You nod at him, your eyes filled of heartache.

"No problem." Gar gives you a tight-lipped smile.

You close the distance between you and wrap your arms tightly around his neck. He always smells like strawberries, the smell of home to you. Gar wraps his arms around you tightly, almost begging you not to let go. If you’re hugging him, it means you aren't going off the deep end and you aren't going to spiral alone. He's right there and he will always be here. And you feel warm and comfortable, holding him close to you. He's always so warm, he just radiates heat and you adore it. You swear you could never feel cold or alone again as long as Gar is near. But, right now, your bones are aching to be frozen. Your heart is pleading with you to let the cold shatter you into a million shards. Every part of you wants to be freezing because freezing is sometimes so much easier than being warm.

Freezing is being alone and tired. Freezing is the feeling right before the rage sets in. Freezing is the acceptance of the rage that will come and the actions to follow. Everyone talks about how anger is red and hot. But, for you, it's always been subzero temperatures because it's lonely being so angry. At least when you’re warm, it means you have someone in your corner, cheering you on, not letting the ice freeze over you when you’re drowning, trapping yourself in a lake. Being hot is allowing yourself to vent and get it all out but freezing keeps you in place. Pondering and pacing about every horrible thing you’ve been dealt, the anger is the only thing keeping your heart pumping and something about the cold is addictive like a menthol cigarette so you let him go.

"Thank you."

Gar nods. "Just, come to my room if you change your mind." Gar's hands linger on your back and you nod.

Gar breaks away and leaves you to yourself, a sense of guilt filling his stomach. It doesn't feel right but he doesn't know what else to do. He can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped even if that's the hardest pill to swallow. Gar is always the helper but you don't want his help. And he wonders if you’re too far gone to be helped right now. You’ve been through a lot and he wonders what is too much for one person. At some point, does someone just lose it and become something worse in the end? He doesn't want you to end up like that. But, he goes to his room and shuts the door, keeping it unlocked in case you change your mind, begging the universe to let you change your mind.

But you don't.

You decide you can wait until everyone goes to bed and then head to the comms lab. There you can look up Jerry, just like Jason and Gar did with you. You can probably get his address since this is Batman's house. Surely, the computers have access to a bunch of shit they shouldn't. From there, you can get a cab or an uber or walk if you have to, all the way to Jerry's and kick his ass.

In all honesty, you aren't completely sure if you’re ready but you have enough confidence and rage to shrug it off. If he knows you’re alive and kicking, that's almost enough. He has to know he did not win against you and it is not over. You want revenge and justice and you want him to never do that to anyone else again. And in your head, this plan will work. If he comes after you, he’ll have to fight the others Titans, too and he’ll lose.

You choose to ignore how Dick will react when he finds out. Dick has the codes for the whole building that monitors who comes and goes at any time. Surely, he'll know someone left and when he checks the camera, he'll see you. If he figures it out, so be it. You’re perfectly willing to take the chance, especially because you know Robin wasn't always a defensive fighter. You’ve seen your share of older Robin videos when Robin still would have been Dick and he would fight unprovoked sometimes. You’re sure he had a reason but the other guys didn't start the fight. To you, going to Jerry to pick a fight, is justified. So, you wait it out in your room.

It's been about three hours when you decide the coast is probably clear and safe for you to head out. You open your door and check the hallway, only seeing faint light from the city. You take that as a good enough sign everyone is in bed and you head to the comms lab. From there, you input the code which you find to be a bit funny that all of you have access to it. Getting Jerry's address was a lot easier than you expected it to be. It was in your files from the foster care system, even his Gotham address was in there which, apparently, he still owns the home.

Once you have the address in your phone, you head back to your room. You figured you'd get the address first and then get changed into something all black. This way, if you happened to wake someone up while getting the address, you could buy a little more time just to make sure no one was onto you. And it seemed to work. You changed without any issue and are on your way out, walking into the common area and almost to the elevator when a voice scares you.

"What're you doing?" He gives a scruffy laugh.

You wince, freezing and slowly turning around. "What are you doing?" You echo, crossing your arms.

Jason is seated at the snack bar, arms over his chest and a devilish grin tugging at his lips. "Asked you first." Jason quips.

"I'm not doing anything. Your turn."

Jason gets up from his seat at the barstools. He knew you'd be up to something. No one gets that mad about something and just lets it go during a two-hour movie. He actually thought you'd go to the training room and end up hurting yourself somehow so he waited and listened for you to come out of your room. He went straight for the kitchen only to see you not there and you weren't in the training room. So, he waited, curious as to what you were up to.

"Right." Jason nods, walking up to you. "Ya look like you're up to something." Jason looks you up and down, noticing the all-black attire, something you don't normally wear.

"You look like you're up to something." You raise, stumbling on your words. You have nothing. No ammunition in your arsenal for him. Jason isn't stupid or gullible.

"You're fucking bad at this, ya know that?"

"Bad at what?" You plays dumb.

"You're going to find him, aren't you?" His eyes narrow just slightly as his brows twitch up and you think he might actually be intrigued.

You pause and are you that obvious? Of course, you do look suspicious creeping around the tour at two in the morning when everyone else is asleep. You’re not in pajamas, you look like you’re going to rob someone. It's not a good look and you almost feels dumb for thinking you'd get away with it. But, why is Jason up then?

"You gonna stop me?" You challenge him.

Jason lets out a breath. "Nope." He shakes his head and you raise a brow at him. "Dick's gonna kill you if he finds out though."

"So, don't tell him." You snip.

"Let me come with you." Jason's eyes look you up and down. He doesn't want you to go alone. If it goes south, well, he'd rather not think about that.

"No." You chortle back. "This is my thing."

"Yeah? And if he has powers? You think of that?" Jason questions.

"I have powers. I can take him." You shake your head, your voice defensive but almost whiney.

"Come on." Jason sighs. "Just to make sure you don't get yourself killed or some shit."

You narrow your eyes. "Didn't realize you cared so much about my well-being." Sarcasm drips off your words and you almost think Jason has some other angle he’s trying to work here.

"You always gotta be such a bitch?" The last word has a touch of sarcasm to it.

"You always gotta be such an asshole?" You echo him in the same tone.

Jason gains the smallest of grins as he licks his lips. "I won't tell Dick."

You shake your head and it is a good idea to bring him. As much as you want to think you can take Jerry on your own, he has a point. For all you know, he does have powers and if his powers are better than yours or stronger, you'll need help. You haven't had the training and despite Jason not having powers, he's very good without them and can hold his own. Bringing him would at least probably make sure you don't get herself killed or recaptured.

"Fine." You sigh. "Okay."

"I'm gonna go get my suit." Jason’s voice fills with excitement as he spins on his heels, heading towards his room.

"Of course you are." You nod and take a seat at one of the chairs while you wait for Jason.

Jason doesn't take long, he was much quicker than you thought he would be. But when he comes out, you get to actually see him in the Robin suit for the first time in person. A part of you thinks he looks a little ridiculous, it's something about the cape. You never understood the cape. Hasn't Batman ever seen the Incredibles? But, there's another part that finds it pretty endearing. He holds himself higher in the suit, and it's not just the boots adding around three inches to his height. Jason is even daunting a genuine smile.

"What?" Jason asks, catching the look you’re giving him.

You move from your place at the counter and walk over to him. You get a better look at the detail and you’ve never seen a suit up close. It's kind of cool actually. You reach out and touch the cape, it doesn't feel like a standard, run-the-of-mill fancy fabric. It’s interesting and it’s a lot thicker than you thought but it doesn’t feel heavy.

"Made with zylon fibers." Jason gives this arrogant grin as you drop the cape.

"Mm." You hum. "Which is what?" You eye him carefully.

"Synthetic material." Jason explains and wiggles his brows. "Six times stronger than kevlar." He is beaming and it sends a rush of bubbles to your stomach.

"So, you're bulletproof?" You ask, matching the smirking expression on Jason's face.

"Pretty much, flame retardant, too." Jason's head is held high and there's this look in his eyes as if expecting you to be amazed and impressed.

You have to drop the teasing grin, turning more into amazement because of course you’re amazed by it. "That's..."

"Sick, right?"

"Yeah, actually. That's fucking awesome." You gush. You never understood the cape but now you do. It protects him and suddenly, you actually really like it. On him.

Jason laughs softly to himself, looking to ground and back to you. "Ready to kick some ass?"

"Hell yeah." You nod your head, quickly walking to the elevator.

"Here." Jason hands you a helmet as you both get into the elevator.

"Oh, you really have a bike?" You ask as you take the black full-face helmet from him.

"Why is that shocking?" Jason chortles.

You shrug. "Dunno, guess it makes sense. You're not like a bad driver, right?" You tease him.

"Fuck you." Jason scoffs. "Can you even drive?"

"Shut up." You huff. "No, I was held captive, remember?" Your eyes widen at him.

"I can teach you." Jason holds his head high, keeping his stare forward.

"Sounds illegal, Jason."

"Because what we're doing is legal."

"What if you just drive me around?" You give him a toothy smile.

"I'm not your chauffeur but nice try." Jason laughs and he knows if you asked, he'd drive you across the country.

"Awww." You pout your bottom lip at him but Jason just rolls his eyes.

"Real cute." Sarcasm drips from his words.

"I know." You give him a cheeky smile.

The rest of the elevator ride is quiet and you follow Jason to the parking garage. His bike is parked off in a corner with a cover. Jason rips the cover off with ease. The bike is a matte black Kawasaki sports bike. Of course, it's a sports bike, Jason wouldn't have a cruiser. Somehow, it's all very fitting and the very idea of Jason driving something like a Prius makes you almost laugh to yourself. The bike is better.

"Come on." Jason nods his head towards the bike as he swings a leg over, kicking up the kickstand.

You follow his lead, Jason tilting the bike slightly so you can actually get on. Once you’re situated, Jason looks over his shoulder at you and he has this boom in his chest. He doesn't let people on his bike but you’re different. You’re on a mission and he's not gonna let you get yourself killed. And he's in his Robin suit while you’re dressed in something of a suit yourself since it's not your usual wardrobe. Jason doesn't think he needs help kicking ass but the idea of having you with him? That's something he could definitely get used to. Maybe you'll make a good team.

"Ever been on a bike before?" Jason asks.

"Nope." You pop the 'p'.

"Alright, just hold on." Jason smirks at you and you deadpan.

"Ya know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say this is your way of hitting on me." Your mouth twitches up into a teasing grin.

"Good thing you know better." Jason quips, the smirk not budging. "Put on the helmet." Jason says as he slides his on, buckling it under his chin. You follow his lead, the helmet a little big on you but you’re not going to complain. A helmet is a helmet. "Hold on." Jason nods once at you before sliding the face shield down and turning back around. You put your own shield down and hold onto his waist, the cape bunched between the two of you.

Jason takes off and your grip tightens around him. You’ve never even known anyone who owns a motorcycle, let alone had the chance to be on one and it's a bit scary at first, especially with you not knowing how Jason is as a driver. But, after a few minutes, you get used to it and find it a bit fun. It's a little cold with the winds against you but the city zips by you and there's a thrill and a sense of freedom that comes with it. You get why he likes it.

You gave Jason the address in the elevator so his phone could give him the directions. The GPS instructs him through the com system in the helmets. Jerry's house is just outside of the city. Not too far from where Dick had found you and you get why you were dumped there. You looked like just another homeless kid and if you were dead, it's likely the police would have thought that's all you were. Another homeless kid, another runaway, another addict. Maybe they would have cared a little bit here but you grew up in Gotham where it was normal so you don't think it would have been a big deal. But, finding a body in suburbia? That's almost always some type of big thing. The city makes sense.

You reach Jerry's house in about twenty minutes but Jason parks in the alley. The alley behind the house is secluded, no cameras and some bushes that shield you and the bike. You get off the bike first and then Jason. While Jason pushes it towards a tree to hide it a bit more, you stand outside the fence leading into Jerry's yard.

It's a pale wooden picket fence with a gate. It's basic but not too basic like the Cleavers, not to raise suspicion probably. But it makes your blood pressure spike. You can't believe you’re back here and you could turn around, call it quits. This could end badly. It definitely could and your plan wasn't well thought out. What are you supposed to do? Walk inside and just go off? What if one of the neighbors hears? What happens if this gets you and Jason arrested? Does Dick have any pull here to get you both out of it? If he does, would he help you or just Jason? Maybe this was a bad idea.

"You alright?" Jason asks as he stands next to you.

You look to him, worry written across your face. "Yeah, uh, j-j-just can't believe I'm here."

Even in the dim light of the alley, Jason can see there's something wrong. "If you wanna go back, we can."

You’re seriously considering it but you’re so mad. The broadcast plays back in your head, them calling Jerry a fucking hero. He's a hero? You’re standing next to fucking Robin. You were welcomed into being a fucking Titan and Jerry, Jerry the abusive piece of shit is a hero. That sends your blood into a boil again and eases every what-if situation from your brain.

"No, I'm good." You nod up at Jason before walking up to the gate.

You unlock the gate, allowing Jason in first while you close the gate behind you. And then there’s the house. It's such a basic, small, family suburban home. It's a light red brick, white trim. One floor with a decent patio and patio furniture. It is so simple and so basic, no one would ever know what happens in that house and that irks you. It's not a creepy run-down place where everyone has some type of urban legend about him kidnapping kids. His house, his perfectly cut yard, him, it all seems so fucking normal and he might as well be a Cleaver.

"Gonna break down the door or some shit?" Jason asks just above a whisper.

You roll your eyes at him. "He's such an upstanding citizen, surely he has a key, right?" You ask, looking up to Jason.

"Lead the way then." Jason gestures a hand out in front of him.

You walk over to the door and you do find it a bit convenient that the fence Jerry chose is so high. Someone would need a step stool to actually see over the fence and he has a fair amount of trees as well. You push the idea of why he'd want so much privacy away as you go up to the door.

"If I were a fucking psycho, where would I hide a key?" You ask, mostly to yourself as you look around. "Flowerpot is too obvious and so is the rock and the mat." You mutter and Jason watches you, questioning if you'll actually find a key. "I don't want people to think I'm a psycho so I would have a key, in case I get locked out or something." You continue. "Somewhere people can get but not too...." You crouch beside the glass outdoor table and look under it. "Idiot." You scoff as you find a key duct taped under the table. You rip it from the table and pop back up. "Got it."

"Nice." Jason congratulates you. "How'd you know?"

"Spent a lot of time here, you figure out where people would hide shit when you literally have nothing else to do but watch them." You explain as you walk to the door, gently placing the key in the keyhole.

"Fair enough." Jason shrugs. "Hey, you're not gonna kill him, right?" Jason asks as you get the door unlocked. He doesn't want you to get killed but he doesn't want you to get that kind of blood on your hands. None of you are supposed to be killing people, even if they might deserve it and Jason's worried Dick might kick you out if you do. Jason has a bad feeling about it.

"Of course, not." You shake your head. "I hate him and want him dead but I won't give him that satisfaction either." You assure him.

You take a deep breath, hand on the handle of the door. You shake your head and open it quietly. You take a few steps inside, Jason right behind you. You can hear a TV coming from the front of the house and a faint light coming from in front of you. You walk quietly through the kitchen, the TV getting louder as you approach the open room with the light.

Jerry is sat in a Laz-E-Boy recliner watching some game show. He looks so comfortable and content. That's enough for you to lose all of your inhibitions. You walk from behind the wall and come right into plain view, something Jason did not expect you to do. He thought maybe you'd sneak up on him but this is bold and that's when he starts to worry that you'll actually lose it. So, he walks up behind you.

You have a harsh stare on Jerry as he jumps slightly in his seat, the appearance of two people in the house catching him off guard. You know it's because he's too comfortable with where he is. No one expects anything, why would he be the one on guard? Meanwhile, you’ve been living in a constant state of paranoia.

"Y/n?" Jerry says your name and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard coming from him. But all you do is stare at him, fighting off the warming of your hands. He can't know he won.

He stands up from his recliner and makes the short walk over to you, expecting you to back away in fear but you don't. You hold yourself tall, not breaking eye contact with the stare that could kill. Jason takes a step forward as if it were an instinct, almost waiting for Jerry to do something, ready for Jason to not let him lay a hand on you. Jerry ignores him and instead, gains a sinister smile as he looks down to you.

"You're back." His voice is almost cocky like he knew that if you were alive somewhere, you'd show back up and you can't quite figure out why he would ever think that. You'd rather be on the streets. It's not like you weren't on the streets before. "I thought you were dead." He scoffs like it's some sort of taunt, a warning maybe.

Maybe he would kill you now if given the chance. Maybe that was his intention. You can't fucking tell what the point of it is. What you do know, is that you’re fucking done looking at his smug face.

"Surprise, bitch!" You yell before grabbing his head and bringing it down, kneeing him in the face in one quick motion.

Jason takes a step back, allowing you to just go at it. Jerry stumbles and you don't take a second to let him breathe. You’re quick to start landing punches and kicks, using all of your strength. You grab the collar of his shirt and drag him to the ground before punching his face as hard as you can. Punch after punch lands and you can't figure out who you are or what you’re doing now. Everything has turned red. Flashes of what he did to you cross your eyes with every blink. Everything comes back in a tidal wave, pulling you under so far you can't focus on anything besides making sure he never gets up to do that to you again. But at some point, it starts to look concerning from where Jason is standing.

You’re going to kill him if he doesn't stop you. Jerry had no chance which, if Jason wants to be honest, is a bit surprising. You haven't been training long and you’re not great at it. You have a lot of fight though, he'll give you that but he never thought you'd hold your own, not yet anyway. Jason always felt you had a long way to go and so did Dick. But, apparently, the rage and adrenaline flooding you is enough to fill the gaps of your fighting technique and it's scaring him a little. He won't let you kill him.

Jason moves behind you, bending over and wrapping his arms around you, pulling you off of him. You fight Jason as hard as you can but Jason is still much stronger than you are. You punch and kick the air, tears wetting your cheeks, something you hadn't even noticed.

"Let me go!" You wiggle around but Jason just wraps his arms tighter, falling to the floor with you.

"You're gonna fucking kill him." Jason says in your ear. "Stop." Jason holds you against his chest. He will not let you kill him as much Jason wants to see him dead. You don't deserve to live with his blood on your hands. He won't let you.

"I don't fucking care!" Your voice nearly cracks as you fight him. Everything is red and blurry. You hate him and you aren't done yet. He tortured you for a year. You want a few more punches in. You don't care that he's not moving.

"Fucking stop!" Jason yells at you. "You're not fucking killing him, alright? And I'm not letting you go until you stop." His voice comes back down and his grip is still tight.

"He doesn't deserve to live!" The yell that comes from you is more of a sob. "He was gonna kill me!"

"I know." Jason's voice is understanding but stern. "You can't kill him. That's what he wants you to do. You wanna be like him?"

You pause for a second, trying to regain your breath. Your heart thunders in your chest while your stomach burns. You don't want to be like him but you hate him so much. Jerry stole so much from you and he's so content with himself. It's not fucking fair and how are you supposed to live knowing that? But, with Jason holding you still, you get a look at Jerry for the first time without tears clouding your vision. He's covered in blood. There's blood coming from his nose and his mouth, red marks smothering his face. He's unconscious and you know Jason is right. You can't kill him.

"Okay." You suck in a shaky breath, a hiccup following. "Okay."

"I will drag you outta here kicking and screaming if you go again, alright?" Jason asks before loosening his grip.

"Okay." You nod, swallowing the hard lump in your throat. You can't kill him but you do need to check something. "Stay." You mutter to him, your legs weak as you get up, nearly tripping over Jason. 

"Where the fuck are you--"

"I'll be back." You start your walk down a hallway off the living room, almost zombie-like.

Jason sits on the floor, staring at Jerry. He really hates this fucker, too. But he knows you're gonna have to get out of here soon. He doesn't think you were too loud and he checks the windows, not seeing any of the neighbors' lights turned on. But, you can't spend too much time just in case. So, he ties Jerry up with some rope he brought and gags him, just to make sure he doesn't come to and escape while Jason grabs you.

Jason walks down the hall and spots you standing outside of a door with several locks going up to the doorframe. You’re just standing there, not moving or saying anything. It doesn't take a mastermind to figure out that's the door to the basement. That's the only reason there would be so many locks. The guy was prepared for you, or anyone, to try and break out. Jason knows why you never could now. All those locks, what looks to be a thick door. You never would have had the strength and it breaks his heart.

"We gotta get outta here, Y/n." Jason says from behind you, there's an urgency to his voice.

"Door is locked." You mutter, almost as if you’re in a haze.

"Yeah." Jason agrees and he's watching you carefully, not sure what you’re going to do next.

"It wouldn't be locked if he didn't have a replacement." You shake your head, the fury you felt just seconds ago fades knowing what you'll find in that basement.

Jason's heart sinks into his stomach. He never thought you'd find someone else and he hopes you’re wrong. But, just in case you’re not, he doesn't fight you when you reach for the locks with bloody and shaky hands. You unlock six lock and open the door with hesitance. A single lightbulb illuminates the landing at the bottom of the stairs. You remember sitting there for hours before Jerry finally chained you up.

You'd run up the stairs at full speed, running into the door. It never worked and it usually led to you falling down at least a few stairs. It's nightmare fuel. But, you take a deep breath and forces yourself to walk down the stairs. Jason looks over his shoulder, making sure Jerry isn't behind you and he follows you carefully.

You’re steady with your steps as you reach the bottom. The basement is the exact same how you remember it. Dingy and grey, bad lighting, and nothing for any source of entertainment. There's no sign of food or water. All there is Jerry's experiment table with a medicine cabinet. He keeps sedatives in there from what you remember. Your bones ache as you look around until you spot the dentist-style chair you spent so much time in. But it's not empty.

"Oh, fuck." Jason sighs behind you, seeing a boy chained to the chair.

"You should call Dick." You say, your voice flat.

"He's gonna be pissed. Are you sure?" Jason looks to you and he knows it's the right thing to do but he won't call if you’re not sure.

"Yeah, he'll know what to do." You nod your head as you make your way to the boy.

Jason pauses for a second and watches you. It's great that you came and found this kid but he wonders how bad it's gonna mess you up. It'd mess anyone up, returning to the place of horrors to find someone else in their place. But, Jason doesn't sit on it, he runs up the stairs to call Dick and check on Jerry.

You approach the boy who can't be more than ten. You’re a little relieved looking at him. His cheeks are still pudgy and he doesn't seem to have any bruises or swelling. But the boy is scared, jerking away from you to the best of his ability.

"Hey, I-I-I'm Y/n." You whisper to him. "I'm not gonna hurt you." You take one of the chains in your hands, using the other to melt the chain away from where it had him connected to the ground. Once the boy is freed, he's almost too scared to move. "Did he hurt you?" You ask.

"N-no." The boy's voice is small.

"Okay." You offer him a small but warm smile. "We're gonna get you out of here, okay?" The boy shakes his head. "My friend is upstairs and he's calling another one to help. Do you have parents?" You ask. The boy nods. "Do you know where they are?"

"M-my mom's...." The boy struggles for words, voice shaking. "In the hospital."

"Foster care until she's better?" You ask and the boy nods. "Okay, um...I used to live here, too." You tell him. "It's pretty scary but then my friends saved me. He's not gonna hurt you, okay?"

"Where is he?" The boy asks.

"Upstairs." You answer plainly and you catch the boy glancing to your hands. You finally realize they're covered in blood, seeing a few deep cuts on your knuckles. "It's just mine, I'm okay." You partially lie to him. "Are you from here?" The boy nods again. "I'm from Gotham. Heard of it?"

"Batman is from there." The boy says.

"Yeah," You give him a smile. "Pretty cool, right? Batman and Robin fighting bad guys." You see a faint smile pull at his lips. "Robin is upstairs, that's who my friend is."

"Your friend is Robin?"

"Mhm." You hum. "Pretty cool, right?" You ask him and he nods again, this time with a little more energy. "Don't tell anyone, but he's kind of twerp." You try to lighten the mood and the boy laughs faintly. "His cape is bulletproof though so I guess that makes up for it."

"It's bulletproof?" The boy's voice picks up just slightly.

"I know right, he just told me though and it's fireproof."

"That's cool."

"Right? It's pretty fancy."

"Why don't you have a suit?"

"I'm not really a hero yet but maybe I can talk to his guy about it one day." You scrunch your nose.

After a few more minutes of conversation with the boy, you mostly trying to keep him distracted, Dick shows up. He is pissed, so beyond pissed in fact, he almost doesn't look mad. He can't believe you and Jason really snuck out of the tower on your own and went to hunt down Jerry. Behind his back. You both have actually lost your minds. Dick doesn't know what he's supposed to do with the two of you. You can't do this, this is not what the Titans do. This was just reckless. Sure, you’re new and still filled with unresolved trauma, but Jason? He expects so much more from him.

Jason directs Dick into the basement after Dick sees Jerry. Dick just held the bridge of his nose while Jason explained what happened. He really cannot believe this but he just tells Jason to make sure Jerry doesn't go anywhere while he goes to get you. Dick walks down into the basement and he gets a sense of what you went through. This was the only thing you saw for an entire year. The only person you saw was Jerry and it sheds some light on how you ended up here right now. Not fully because Jason didn't get much chance to explain what lead you on a mission tonight of all nights.

But, Dick shelves it for the time being as he sees you with a boy. This fucker had another kid trapped. It's unbelievable and Dick should have done something about him himself. It always should have been your fight but had Dick known there was another kid, he would have done it. This shouldn't have had to fall onto your shoulders.

"That's my other friend, who's friends with Robin." You tell the boy as Dick approaches.

"I'm gonna take over, is that alright?" Dick asks the boy and smiles kindly at him.

"He's the one that found me and saved me. You can trust him." You give the boy a reassuring smile. And the boy gives you a nod.

Dick pulls you aside. "Are you okay?" Dick asks, seeing the blood on your hands.

You nod. "Yeah, I think it's mostly Jerry's." You whisper to him, not making eye contact.

"Okay, good." Dick nods with a hand on his hip. "Home. Now." Dick says through gritted teeth. "I will deal with the both of you when I get back." Dick shoos you upstairs and you wave at the boy before darting up the stairs.

You find Jason in the living room with Jerry still. You find it a little hard to look at Jason and Jerry. Jerry is a little too bloody and you’re thankful Jason pulled you off of him. You shouldn't kill him and you don't actually want to. Had Jason not been there, you’re afraid you wouldn't have been able to stop. You hope you would have but you’re not sure. But, Jason also witnessed all of that and that's the embarrassing part of it.

"Let's go." You ignore Jerry, walking past Jason and heading to the back door.

Jason is right on your heels, following you outside. He hates that he had to call Dick for this but Jason doesn't know how to handle another victim. You sure as shit shouldn't have to. Dick could at least, probably, clean up the mess. He was a detective and he is, legally, Bruce Wayne's son. Jason is sure Dick won't have issues with this but if it were just Jason and you, that might be an issue. He knows he had to but he still hates it.

"Hey." Jason calls after you as you open the gate but you ignore him. "Y/n." Jason continues as you reach the bike.

"Yeah." You say, turning to face him.

"You alright? That was nuts." Jason's words have almost a touch of hesitance.

"Peachy."

"Don't bullshit me." Jason scoffs.

You don’t ignore him. You never ignore him and you have a distant look in your eyes. He knows you’re not okay and you shouldn’t be after that.

You shake your head. "I don't fucking know, alright?" You grab the helmet from the ground. "Dick's pissed and he'll probably kick me out, ya know? But...Jerry is just..." You scrunch your nose as if fighting off something between fury and agony. "A monster."

Jason nods, walking up to you. "Yeah, he's a piece of dog shit. Doesn't deserve shit from anyone." Jason agrees with you. "Do you feel better?"

You shake your head weakly this time. "No." You finally make eye contact with him. "Not really."

"You should." Jason states. "He deserved it."

"I dunno." You scoff, your eyes feeling heavy as the adrenaline starts to crash. "I'm just..." You pause, looking away from him. "I'm so...pissed, I guess? But then I'm sad and upset and then I get mad again." You rolls your shoulders. "Like all I wanna do is lose my fucking mind over it but then I can't because I have to have some sort of control. Like I can't just take it out, it's bottling up over and over. And this didn't help the way I thought it would because it still fucking happened to me." You choke down a cry. "It's fucking heavy and it still fucking happened and....it didn't fucking help."

Jason looks to the ground, feeling sad for you. He's never been through anything like this. You have similar trauma from Gotham but this, this is uncharted. He can't imagine what you’ve gone through. Just the glimpse tonight tells him it was, without a doubt, torture. But he wants to help because he cares about you. Jason cares more about you than he has about anyone else. You deserve better.

He gestures a hand, making a fist at you to signal for you to give him the helmet. You hand it over. "Take it out on me." Jason offers, switching the helmet from his right hand to his left. "And put it on me." His words are filled of ease as if it were the easiest thing he's ever said.

"What?" You furrow your brows at him, your eyes scanning over his face.

"Take it out on me. You're fucking pissed about it? Spar with me, I'll go easy on you so you can get all that shit out. You're fucking sad about it? Rant to me until you feel better." Jason looks to the ground and then back to you. "I'll carry your shit for you, alright?"

"W-why?"

Jason doesn't tell people how he feels, not usually. It makes him uncomfortable. It puts too much pressure on him. It makes him too exposed to the elements of being broken. He cares about you and he knows you’re not that dense. He doesn't have to tell you.

Jason shrugs. "Just trying to help."

You wipe your face with your shoulder, feeling a sad smile come to your face. "That's awfully nice of you, Jay."

Jason finds the nickname endearing coming from you. "I can be nice."

"Sometimes." You joke softly. "Um...thanks for...coming with." Your smile falls as your brows furrow. "And for not letting me kill him."

Jason's smile is warm. "Anytime." The warmth in Jason's chest is nice, comforting even and something he hasn't felt, ever. "Let me see your hand." Jason sticks out his hand as he closes the small distance between you but you just quirk a brow at him. "Your hands are covered in blood, let me see how bad it is, damn."

You laugh softly, putting your right hand in his. "Starting to hurt a little." You mutter as you pull out your phone, shining the flashlight on your hand.

"You brought your phone?" Jason laughs. "Dick could have tracked that." Jason shakes his head, examining your hand. "Shit's gonna hurt in the morning."

"Yeah, pretty sure I got his teeth in a few punches."

"No fucking shit." Jason chortles, seeing the cuts across your hand. "You gotta clean this when we get back."

"Yeah, that'll be fun." You scoff. "Ready to get out of here?" You ask.

Jason drops your hand, giving you the helmet back. "Don't get blood on my suit." He smirks at you, waking just past you to grab his own helmet.

"I'll try my best." You mock, waiting for him to mount the bike. "Bulletproof, fireproof, but what? Blood stains are where the line is drawn?"

"No, I just don't that dickweed's blood on my suit." Jason chortles.

"Mhm." You follow his lead, getting on the bike as he leans it. "Sure, that's it."

"Shut up and put the damn helmet on." Jason shakes his head, putting his own helmet on. You laugh, putting the helmet on and sliding the face shield down before leaning forward and wrapping your arms around his waist. "Ready?" He asks, barely looking over his shoulder and he feels you nod against his back before turning around and sliding his face shield down and taking off.

Back at the tower, you and Jason go your separate ways for a few minutes. You go into the bathroom to start cleaning up your hands and Jason goes off to his room to change out of his suit. While you get the supplies, you’re faced with some confusing feelings.

Jason is a lot of fun to flirt with and he's really cute. You actually like his arrogance and snarkiness. He's tough and smart, much smarter than people wanna give him credit for but you also know he's dangerous. He's rough around the edges and a bit of a wild child. Jason is just as fucked up as you are and you find a sense of comfort in that. He chooses to be angry and have a bit more violence to himself. He can be kind of soft if the moment fits, but he likes to fight. And for you, it's comforting because that's the only thing you want to do lately. Fight and be angry. It's nice to know you’re not alone in that. And he makes you feel safe and understood without even trying. But, you do also find a sense of comfort in Gar.

Gar never would have let you go tonight. He would have been able to talk you out of it. Jason didn't even really try. Gar, despite his trauma, chooses to be kind and gentle. It's a foreign concept to you. To choose the opposite of what you’re dealt. But there is something refreshing in it. There's something refreshing in his optimism even if his optimism seems a little forced like maybe that's his way of dealing with his trauma. You worry Gar pushes it all away so far it'll snap back like a rubberband one day. But Gar does it anyway and he's also very cute and smart and funny. You like the same movies and same tv shows. There are common interests. For you, you like them both for different reasons. So, maybe your best bet is to keep those feelings to yourself. You don't want to ruin anything between the three of you.

You start the water and stick your hands underneath, stinging and burning consuming your hands. You hiss as you try to wash the cuts.

"Need help?" Jason asks from the doorway, watching you struggle to keep your hands under the water.

"Fucking please. This shit hurts and I need two hands." You groan which makes Jason laugh as he walks in.

"Lemme see." Jason holds out his hands for yours.

He looks over the cuts on your hands, now with less blood and better lighting. Bloody and bruised knuckles aren't new to him. He swears there was a point where they were always bruised. He saw purple skin across his hands more than he saw his normal skin tone. Since, being Robin though, the gloves take most of the blows. He doesn't miss it, the ache of bruises and scratching from healing scabs. But, he at least knows how to deal with it.

Jason grabs the antiseptic wipes from the counter that you had already taken out and takes your left hand in his. He doesn't warn you, he just goes right for it and starts cleaning the cuts gently. You hiss, swearing under your breath as the stinging consumes the cut.

"Sorry." Jason offers an apologetic glance as he continues. "They aren't that bad, the cuts." Jason explains.

"Hurt like a bitch though."

"Because you beat the shit out of someone." Jason chuckles. "It happens."

"Mhm." You hum, watching him carefully.

Gentle is not a word you would use to describe Jason Todd. In fact, in the month and a half you’ve been here, you don't think you’ve ever seen him actually be gentle about anything. But, he is now and maybe that's why you’re so infatuated with him sometimes. He's not as two-dimensional as he comes across. There's a lot about him that's just some façade, maybe to push people away so he doesn't get hurt. After what he's been through, you  sympathize with that. But, you wish he'd drop the act a little. It's fun, sure, but you want to know more about him and find out what really goes on inside that head of his.

"Tell me something about you." You say, keeping your eyes on your hands as Jason switches to the clean the other one.

"Like what?" He asks, his voice flat.

You shrug. "Dunno, something though. Like, something not a lot of people know about you."

Jason pauses, keeping your hand in his as he looks to you, expecting you to have some type of teasing expression but you don't. Your eyes hold curiosity and a sense of calmness. This isn't normally how you communicate. It's just banter and flirting but you seem genuine now. It makes him shift.

"Why?"

"Because." You shrug again as you look at him. "Curious, I guess. I won't tell anyone." Your eyes widen, this time a bit teasing. "I'll tell you something."

"No." Jason shakes his head, not having the game.

Letting people close? Not his strong suit. To him, there's no reason to tell you. What you're doing is fun. He's having a great time and he doesn't wanna ruin it by getting a little too real with you. The trauma is almost easier to talk about it because you’ve been through it. But talking about the things that make Jason, Jason, the stuff underneath the trauma, that's the hard shit. That's the shit no one can just know. The trauma is public information. It's not that easy to just talk about.

"What're you so afraid of?" You ask, the lack of teasing in your voice is almost making Jason uncomfortable.

"I'm not afraid of anything." Jason snarks, lying to himself.

"Hmm." You hum. "We're all afraid of something, Jay." There's that nickname again. "Just, I dunno, tell me something real about you."

You make it so tempting. It's the way you smile at him where he knows you’re being serious but the very corner of the right side of your mouth twitches into a grin, just slightly. It's a kind of taunt thing you do with him when you’re trying not to and it makes his stomach flip like he's on a rollercoaster. Something in the way your hand lays gently in his and the way you let him in during vulnerable moments, makes him want to tell you.

Jason sighs, going back to cleaning your hand. "If you tell anyone, I'll kick your ass." Jason warns and you smile, crossing your heart with your free hand. "You know the story. Mom's a smack addict, dad's a dumbass who got himself killed, uncle same shit." Jason explains and you nod even though he can't see you. "Foster care, the streets, juvie."

"Lifting cars?" You ask.

"Amongst other shit, yeah." Jason nods, tossing the antiseptic wipe into the trash and grabbing a roll of gauze from beside you. "I found this school when I was on the streets and slept in the rafters of the auditorium." Jason talks and he gains this gentle smile, one of fondness. He shrugs a shoulder. "I'd watch the theater kids at night when they'd have a show." Jason pauses. "Got pretty into it."

Your heart warms with him talking. The thought of Jason Todd being a theater nerd? Amazing, funny, endearing. Explains why he's so dramatic. It's not what you expected in the best way. That's the kind of real shit you want to know about him. No one would have ever guessed that's his thing and you think it's adorable.

"Huh." You hum as Jason finishes wrapping your left hand. "Didn't peg you for a theater kid."

"Yeah, used to think they were the losers." Jason chuckles, taking your other hand in his. "Now, I wear a mask and a cape."

"That's kind of cute, actually."

"Shut up." Jason groans, thinking you’re messing with him.

"No, I'm serious. Honest, it's cute. Jason Todd, a soft spot for theater. I dunno, I think it's cute."

Jason's eyes narrow as he looks up to you, not sure if he should believe you. But you have soft eyes as you look at him. And your smile is so wide he finds it hard not to believe you. Maybe you were a theater kid and that's your big secret.

"What about you?" Jason asks. "I told you mine. You tell me yours."

"Okay, but you can't laugh." You don't fight him. It's only fair. Jason mimics you crossing your heart, a teasing smile on his face as he licks his lips. You roll your eyes. "I love romance movies."

Jason huffs, trying not to chuckle. "Sorry, sorry." Jason snickers. "You don't seem the type. Your extensive knowledge of horror movies and shit."

You shrug one of your shoulders letting out a sigh. "I love horror movies, man." You laugh. "But, I like romance movies. Ya know, where the guy gets the girl and he holds a boom box over his head. Or throws a fist in the air. I guess, The Breakfast Club isn't romance but I count it. Easy A though with all of the tropes, 13 Going On 30 during the photoshoot scene, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days with Somebody Like You playing in the background." You list some of your favorites. "I also like sad ones, though. I cry every time."

"Yeah?" Jason puts your wrapped hand down, raising his brows at you and instead of stepping away, he keeps the close distance to you. "Why?"

"Dunno." You shrug once more. "I just do. Like I cry every time I watch A Walk To Remember. 'I'm sorry she didn't get her miracle. She did, it was you." You quote the movie. "I ball my eyes out, every single time. Um, the Notebook, of course. Me Before You, I expect him to live every time and every time he dies. The Time Traveler's Wife, PS I Love You when she gets the last letter." You let out a sharp breath. "Shit, I always expect a different ending, but it's all the same and I cry."

Turns out, you're both full of surprises. Jason never would have thought you liked romance films. It's more than your taste for horror, a lot of people like a lot of different genres of movies. It's also because of your attitude. Rom-coms don't seem your thing, you always seemed more of an action or dystopian person to Jason. But, you have a soft side.

"Full of surprises, huh?" Jason chuckles softly.

"Guess so.” There’s a shy smile pulling at your lips and you feel warmer right now with him, than you have in a long time. “What else?" You ask.

"I read." Jason says, finding it easier to talk now. "I'll read pretty much anything. Always liked it but got a bit more into it on the streets. Libraries are free."

"Didn't peg you for a reader, either." Your smile is sweet.

"You a reader?"

You shake your head. "Nah, the act of reading kind of makes me tired." Your eyes widen with annoyance at yourself. "I wish I was, though. My mom used to read me as a kid and that was fine but I try to read and my brain decides I should sleep.” You laugh softly at yourself. You look down, tilting your head to the right. "Alright," You breathe out, looking back to him. "Got any more questions?" You give him a teasing grin, quickly raising your brows at him.

Jason hums and he could ask a million questions. He's liking getting to know you like this but Gar is also his friend. You seem kind of into him, a little at least. As much as he'd like to know what other hobbies keep you entertained or what your favorite memory is, favorite movie, any hidden talents you had, he's thinking maybe he should ask about Gar before this goes anywhere else. Getting to know you more without knowing what your intentions are, freaks him out a little. Why get close if you'll leave? So, he matches the grin and decides to play the game.

"Yeah, actually." Jason lets out a sharp breath, leaning forward. He places a hand on either side of your thighs, resting his hands on the cool countertop, his face just inches from yours. You eye him carefully, your heart banging against your ribs. "What's up with you and Gar?"

You let out a huff, a taunting smirk on your face. "Hmmm." You hum, trying to figure out his angle here. "Why?" You ask, tilting your head to the right.

Jason mimics your action, shrugging slightly. "Can't be curious?"

"You can." You state, trying to ignore the beating of your heart and swirling in your stomach.

"Well?" Jason asks.

You put your hands over his and get just an inch closer to him, playing his game. "Jealous?" You narrow your eyes at him slightly and Jason's heart bounces into his stomach.

The answer is yes. If there's something going on, yes, he's jealous. But, he's not so jealous that it would get in the way of his friendship with Gar or whatever is going on between him and you. That's petty and dumb, Jason has bigger issues than jealousy over a girl. But, there is a tinge of jealousy in his stomach at the thought of you with Gar instead of him. However, he doesn't want to give you that satisfaction. He can tell by the way you asked and the cornered grin you’re giving him, you expect him to say yes. And he won't.

Jason's voice is low, brows raised. "You fucking wish."

You laugh softly, feeling your cheeks burn. Maybe you do want him to be jealous but that sounds like a lot of drama that would be tired and boring. But, you also don't have a witty comeback as much as you want to. No one's ever been able to leave you lost for words but Jason does. He's so quick and smart that it leaves you tongue-tied. He's playing this round-and-round game so long, he's basically an expert. It's fun, though.

Your eyes narrow at him, searching for something to tease him with but you’ve got nothing. You’ve never noticed before but his eyes are really pretty. They're green, not dark green or hazel. They're a muted shade of something like a sea green with a yellow in the center. For a second, you think you could get lost in them like wandering through a forest with no destination or map, just the sun guiding the way. And he has a few dark freckles scattered haphazardly about his face that you want to connect like constellations. He's cute, that was your first impression. Cute. But, taking a second to really look at him, he's kind of beautiful in a tragic kind of way.

"And if I did?" You ask, your brows raising, licking your lips and Jason gives this forced chuckle. The game is being played and neither of you are backing down, so he closes the distance just a bit more, your noses almost touching as Jason eyes your lips.

"Do you?" Jason asks.

His voice has this taunting sense to it, like he's teasing you, about to make fun of you. But there's this hint of curiosity with it and maybe even a want in the tone. Maybe he wants you to wish he were jealous. Maybe that'd make the whole thing easier. You make the move for him.

You rest your forehead against his, Jason's heart about to beat out of his chest and he's never felt this with someone before. He feels dizzy around you, his stomach this bubbly mess. He's excited to see you every single morning. There's this rush that almost, just almost, feels like putting on the Robin suit but different. He gets to be so unapologetically himself with you and that's not something he has ever felt before.

Your nose brushes his and every part of you is ready to dive into him. You feel electrified with him. Nothing about the trauma even matters with him because he's been through it. His mom, his dad, he fucking gets it and you don't have to hide or protect him from it. Jason is this unmovable force that makes your bones ache at the core. You’re trapped in a rain storm but when Jason is around, he's the tunnel you get to drive under. The tunnel that quiets everything around you even when it's still pouring. He makes you feel alive again.

"Maybe." Your voice is a whisper, you’re not ready to commit to closing this. It can't be on you.

The game isn’t so much a game anymore, not right now because you’re too close for that now. You’re trapped with bated breath between you, waiting for the other to finally commit to it. You want him to commit to it so badly you can hardly even breathe. There’s just something about Jason to you that you can’t explain. And, Jason, he wants you.

His lips brush yours and there's hesitance it in. If he kisses you, the game ends. Something will come of this. It might be good and it might be bad. But something will have to come of it. You'll have some sort of discussion about it and he wants you so bad but he wants you to want him, too. So, his lips brush yours and he’s just about to ready to say fuck it and close the distance. And maybe you’ll kiss him back.

"What the fuck?" An exasperated voice pulls yours and Jason's attention towards the door where Dick is standing with his hands on his hips looking absolutely exhausted and pissed and fed the fuck up.

You jerk away, pulling your hands into your lap while Jason quickly moves away from you, his cheeks turning a cherry red. Both of your lips are burning, as if you'd just committed to something that never even happened. It feels like you were hiding some dirty little secret when Dick walked in. You weren't doing anything different than what you normally do but it still felt different. A bit more vulnerable, a bit more hesitant. It felt different and Dick interrupted it. Neither of you even know if the other would go through with it. You hope the other would though.

"Seriously? You nearly kill someone and then you..." Dick gestures at the two of you, trying to figure out what he walked in on. This is not where he saw this going. "Are doing whatever you're doing in here."

"W-we weren't doing anything." You glance between Dick and Jason. It's not a lie even if it feels like one.

Dick shakes his head. No one prepared him to handle this. No one prepared him to handle people who apparently try to kill someone and then have a deep moment later. What is he supposed to do with that? First training behind his back and now this. The two common denominators in this have been you and Jason. In his eyes, Jason must be the bad influence because you’re traumatized and Jason is probably encouraging the bad behavior. He can't let you two just do whatever you want when you want. Someone's going to get killed and he's thinking the two of you together would be the cause.

"This," Dick waves an open hand between the two of you. "Whatever that is, no." Dick says and Jason and you look at him with confusion. Jason shifts his weight to his right foot, putting a hand on his hip while you shake your head as if to be processing what's going on. "You two, no."

"Picking my friends now, huh?" Jason scoffs, annoyance raging from his bones.

"Looked a bit more than that, didn't it?" Dick fires back.

"Well, this is awkward." You huff, more to yourself. "We're friends, Dick." You groan. "I know, hard for you to grasp giving your history, but guys and girls can be friends." Dick's mouth moves as he's trying to figure out what you mean. "Oh, Rachel told me that you hooked up with two of your friends and it seems you still have a thing for both of them. But, one left and the other is dating some other guy who was also your friend and a Titan." You explain, keeping your voice nonchalant and Jason nearly bursts into a fit of laughter watching Dick's face turn red.

"Okay, no, that's not--" Dick shakes his head cutting himself off. "This isn't about me."

"It could be. We could work through your parental problems and really get to the root of the problem because you might have commitment issues. That's what it sounds like." You explain while nodding your head, Jason snickering to the side not able to control himself. Dick's gonna kill you.

"We're not talking about me." Dick groans, growing more annoyed. He has got to do a better job at keeping his private life, private. "Stop deflecting."

"She's very good at it." Jason adds in.

"I think that's all our strong suits, to be fair. Notice that he turned it back to me. Deflecting." You say to Jason.

"No, we're not doing this. I'm not playing your game." Dick sighs. He wants nothing more than to go to bed. He didn't think he signed up to actually parent the new Titans. He almost feels bad for what he put Bruce through. "You're both in deep shit." Dick's voice goes stern again and you accept you can't get out of this one as much as you tried. "I expect more from you." Dick turns his anger onto Jason.

Jason's jaw nearly drops as his eyes widen. How the hell is Dick blaming him? "What?" Jason nearly yells, the word coming out as a scoff.

"You didn't do anything to stop her, did you? You could have come to get me but you didn't." Dick points full blame on Jason and you’re sitting there almost certain this is a weirdly vivid dream. He can't be serious. "You're the oldest, you know better."

"Are you fucking serious?" Jason huffs. "I made sure she didn't kill the fuckface." Jason tries to defend himself.

"You should have come to get me." Dick insists.

"Right," You start, your voice slow as you keep glancing between the two of them. "You're blaming Jason?" You almost laugh at how stupid that it is.

"Let me guess, you take full responsibility because it was your idea and you manipulated him, right?" Dick throws your previous discussion back in your face. "You wanna be Robin again?" Dick turns his attention back to Jason. "Stop fucking up."

You watch the look on Jason's face. His face drops, for just a split second before turning into pure rage. You understand that Dick should be mad at you both, absolutely. You did something stupid and dangerous. But, throwing Robin at Jason's face doesn't sit right with you. You don't know the story but it's pretty obvious being Robin is something that means a lot to Jason. You don't throw something like that in someone's face, not like that.

Jason walks up to Dick, standing toe-to-toe with him. "You don't fucking decide if I'm Robin or not. I'm the new Robin." Jason says pointing to himself, not looking all that intimidating having to physically look up to Dick. "You're just a washed-up version of a hero."

"Stand down." Dick keeps his voice level with Jason, not giving in to him.

"Jason tried to stop me." You speak up from your spot on the counter, not wanting to see where this fight is about to go. Jason will not stand down and you don't think Dick will either. If you didn't know any better, you would think they were actually brothers.

Jason turns quickly to look back at you. He's surprised. He did not try to stop you. He basically encouraged you to go. He drove you there and didn't step in until it started to look bad enough. Jason knows the odds of Dick kicking him from the Titans are low because of Bruce but you? You’re still new and if you cause more trouble than you’re worth, Jason thinks he might. Deep down, he knows Dick wouldn't but somewhere in his head, he's afraid Dick would and you take the blame anyway.

"He was getting a snack from the kitchen when I was trying to sneak out." You lie. "He-he, uh, he figured out what I was gonna do. He tried to stop me, convince me to go back to bed or he'd come get you. I promised him I wouldn't do anything."

You said you'd never rat Jason or Gar out which makes Dick find it hard to believe that happened. He does also know Jason and Jason isn't one to step away from a fight. Jason talking you out of it seems incredibly unlikely but Dick can't prove it at this point in time.

"Why'd he drive you then?" Dick challenges trying to find a hole in your story.

"I told him I'd be gone before he could get you. I was going regardless. So, instead of me getting into a strange car at two in the morning, he said he'd drive me as long as I didn't do anything. He only wore the Robin suit as a safety measure." You lie through your teeth.

You haven't always been a good liar but it was something you needed to be better at. You have tells like everyone else, the way you kick your foot out every few seconds, the lack of hand movements. But, Dick doesn't know you well enough to know your tells so you lie with the first thing that comes to your mind and by the look at Dick's face as he looks back to Jason, you’re thinking he believes you.

Dick sighs. "Just," Dick starts, his attention on Jason as Jason looks back to him. "Come get me, okay? I have to be able to trust you."

"Right." Jason scoffs.

"Go to bed, I'm gonna talk to Y/n."

Jason looks over his shoulder and you give him a soft smile with a nod. Jason sighs, not wanting to leave you alone with Dick but it's probably for the best before he punches the guy. "Good luck." Jason scoffs, pushing past Dick and leaving the bathroom.

Dick walks further inside, leaning his hip against the counter while you’re looking at your hands in your lap. Your head is hung as if you’re waiting for the 'I can't trust you, you have to leave' speech you know is coming. You wonder why you do that. Taking the risk of homelessness when you know it's a possibility. It's not like you do it on purpose but you get mad and frustrated, nothing else really matters at that point. The only thing that does is not being mad anymore. It clouds everything else in your brain. A booming kickdrum drowning out every better decision you’ve ever had.

"Is that actually what happened?" Dick asks, his arms crossed.

"Yep." You answer, not looking to him.

"What were you thinking?" His voice is disappointed this time, completely different than the anger he had towards Jason and it doesn't sit right with you but that's not the argument you want to have right now.

"Guess I wasn't." You mutter. "Kicking me out?" You peek an eye at him, your words hesitant.

Dick shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. "No." He shakes his head. "Wanna tell me what the hell happened though?"

You shrug. "He was on the news." You say, your voice small and quiet. "They were congratulating him for being an upstanding citizen, an everyday hero, because he saved a fucking kid from getting hit by a train."

Dick nods once, understanding how you ended up at his house. "So, you decided to go after him?"

"I mean...yeah." You looks up to him. "It's just not fair, ya know? I'm..." You pause, trying to find the right words as the fire dies out from your blood. "I'm scarred, physically and mentally from him. He did all that shit to me. I'm a freak now because of him. He ripped me from my home. I talk shit about Gotham but it's my fucking home and he ripped me from it." You shake your head as you look back to your hands, picking at the bandages Jason applied. "He gets to be called a hero and I get stuck with more trauma."

Dick's anger for the night fades as he listens to you, for the first time, really listening to you. You’re not snarky or fighting with him. This seems like the most honest you’ve been with him since he found you. He sees a part of himself in you. Angry and bitter and resentful of the life you're dealt. You were both just kids when your lives got ripped out from under you. No kid deserves that. It makes him sad, that's the one thing everyone in this tower has in common. Childhoods ruined by adults who are too selfish and cruel to think about their well-being. Or even care about their well-being.

"He thought I was dead." You scoff, feeling the burning of the back of your eyes start. "He actually said that tonight. He dumped me for dead. Just...like that. Like I was trash. I'm not..." You pause, your chin wrinkling slightly. "I'm not even upset that he didn't give a fuck, ya know? Because fuck him but...I am upset that a human can do that to another human. He tried to kill me." Your voice breaks.

Up until tonight, a part of you thought it really was an accident. Jerry just thought he went too far, he didn't mean to do it. But, tonight, the look on his face, he wanted you dead. You were too much maybe. Too big of a hassle because you put up a fight even with words. You'll never know his why and maybe that's for the best but the thing is that he did try to kill you. That's something that you have to sort through and live with. Beating someone to death is a personal thing, there's a burning hatred there and while you can't rationalize it, it's like you’re trying to anyway.

You’re putting blame on yourself even when it doesn't make sense because you’re the victim. From the time you were put into Jerry's care until the day he dumped you in that alley, you were the victim. But, you can't stop your mind from blaming yourself. What about you is so un-fucking-bearable that someone would hate you so much they'd try to kill you? He's evil, he doesn't need a reason and it's not your fault, but that doesn't stop the thoughts. And you thought you'd be okay joking with Jason, maybe that would quiet everything for the night but now you’re talking to Dick and you can't joke with him like that. And now it's haunting the marrow in your bones, aching and dragging.

"I'm not mad, okay?" Dick assures you. "Disappointed but I understand. That's a horrible thing you went through. I get that, I do." Dick starts. "But, you can't go off on your own like that. I know you had Jason but anything could have happened. You were in his house. You almost killed him." Dick keeps his voice steady and lacking of anger. "It sucks. I went to get revenge for my parents being killed and I regret it every day." Dick opens up a little making you look at him with a raised brow.

"Why?"

"I didn't kill him but because I went after him, he was killed by someone else." Dick explains. "He killed my parents but it wasn't my job to kill him or get him killed as mad as I was or as unfair as it is. That's just not our job."

"I didn't wanna kill him." You suck in a breath, holding it for a few seconds before letting it out. "Just beat him up, rub it in a bit that I was alive and kicking. Show him he didn't win."

"I think you accomplished that." Dick raises his brows quickly.

"Yeah," You sigh. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry for losing it and dragging Jason into it."

Dick shakes his head. "Just don't let it happen again." Dick pauses. "You don't have to take the fall for him."

You roll your eyes. "I'm not."

Dick nods, not fully buying it. "Okay, well, extra chores for a month then."

"That it?" You ask.

"Yeah, don't do this again." Dick pushes himself off the counter.

"Aye-aye, captain." You solute him haphazardly.

Dick sighs with the response. "Just get to bed." Dick says before leaving the bathroom.

You let out a breath, taking a second to be. There's a lot to unpack tonight. You look at your hands and a part of you wants to grieve for the person you’ve become. Three years ago, you'd never hit anyone. You'd have someone threaten to hit you and you knew you'd never do anything about it. Fighting never seemed like the best solution. It always seemed so pointless but now you’re here with bloody knuckles, fueled by anger. You get it now but you don't know if you like the feeling.

But, you’re so sad and angry, like weights tied around your ankles. You’re gnawing and clawing at them but they never budge. They just get stronger the more you struggle. Every day you live and Jerry gets to exist in happy contentment, it's another pound added. Every day you live and the Joker gets to keep on jokering, it adds weight to your shoulders. The anger and sadness cloud your every move. Grief is agonizing and numbing and all-consuming. And when you think you have something to make it better, it's temporary. Training, movies with Gar, video games, music, teasing Jason, beating up Jerry. It's all temporary relief. The second you’re alone with your thoughts, it creeps back in, a tsunami receding the tides again.

And you wonder if you'll ever hit the acceptance stage of grief or if you'll just be trapped here alone for the rest of your life. So, you clean up the bathroom and look for a distraction because the guilt and grief feel too much.

Your fist knocks on the dark door softly and you wait a few seconds. This is a bad idea and you know it. But you don't want to be alone and you don't want to think about anything. Thinking is becoming a chore and you feel haunted. Tied down and struggling. Beating up Jerry did nothing but make you feel worse which then, somehow, makes you feel even worse. It should have helped, it should have because he got what he deserved but it just makes you feel like the bad guy in all of it. You saved someone tonight but all you see is Jerry covered in his own blood, thinking that's what you must have looked like. And a part of you thinks maybe you aren't any better than he is because you did to him what he did to you. It is different and you know that but it’s late and you can’t be alone with those thoughts.

"Hey." Jason greats you, surprised to you.

He thought for sure you would listen to Dick and stay away from him. He's not entirely sure if he was serious about it but it wouldn't shock him. Jason is bad news, dragging everyone he cares about down with him.

"Can I come in?" You ask as if you’re on a mission.

"Sure." Jason opens the door further for you and you walk in. Jason closes the door behind you, leaning against it, waiting for you to say something.

Something's off. No smirk, grin, or smile. No teasing comment. No remark about the half-empty bottles of Gatorade and Red Bull scattered about his room. You were, relatively fine and normal when he left besides being pissed at Dick. For a second, fear strikes him and he wonders if Dick gave up on you already. Jason knows that can't be it, Dick sucks sometimes but he's not that fucking horrible. But, that's also the only thing coming to mind.

You turn to face him, your expression almost flat and Jason watches you as you walk up to him. You stand just a few inches from him without saying anything. Normally, Jason would find this as a challenge, play the game again and see what happens in the safety of his room. But, not now. Not with the flat expression and distant look in your eyes. Not like this.

And you think about it. Think about kissing him and using him as a distraction, that was the plan coming here instead of waking up Gar. Gar would have too many questions and he'd have this way of getting you to spill your guts to him. You’re too tired for that. It's too much thinking, too much emotion. But you’ve got your eyes locked on Jason's and you want to kiss him because it'll be such a good distraction and it'll make you feel something incredible. It'll make you feel wanted and important, you won't feel so damaged anymore even if it's just a few minutes.

But that's not fair to him either.

You shake your head. "Sorry." You take a step back, swallowing thickly.

"It's okay." Jason says, still watching you carefully, concern starting to creep onto his face. "What's up?"

"I don't wanna think about it anymore." You answer candidly.

Jason nods and he has an idea. If it were anyone else, he’d go for it because kissing someone and letting it go wherever it decides to go, is a fun little distraction. But, this is you. And he swears if something is meant to happen, it won’t be because either of you want to be distracted. So, he walks over to a dresser near the window and looks inside. You watch him, questioning what he could possibly be doing. You aren't sure what you expected him to do but say something would be high up on that list. Instead, he's just looking into a drawer so you make the walk toward him.

"What're you doing?" You ask from behind him.

"Pick one." He says, gesturing a hand inside the drawer. You walk up beside him and see several books. You raise a brow at him. "Just do it." Jason sighs.

You shrug and go along with it. You look over the spines, studying them and it's kind of interesting, seeing what books he likes. There's dystopian young adult, horror, adventure, a few classics. It's like a little window into his world and there’s something sweet and soft about it. But, you spot one that you’ve actually seen the movie for so you pick that one.

Jason laughs as you pick the book with the pale yellow spine. "You've seen the movie?"

"Yeah, of course." You answer with a laugh. "Of course, I've seen it. Is the book good?"

"You tell me." Jason takes the book from you and walks past you, going towards his bed.

You spin on your heels, the confusion and curiosity engraving itself across your face. "What?"

"When shit gets too fucking loud, I read." Jason explains, sitting on his bed while you walk over to the end of the bed slowly. Things get loud for him and escaping into a book helps. It quiets the noise. "Or I train but you don't seem like you want to do that right now."

"That would be a correct assumption." You state. "But, I just said I don't read." Your eyes are narrowed still waiting for Jason to explain what's going on.

Jason stretches his legs out before opening the book and flipping to chapter one. He clears his throat. "When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton." Jason reads the first line and your face softens and your heart stops in your chest, realizing what he's doing.

Not to be dramatic, but a part of you almost cries while he reads. This is probably one of the nicest and most thoughtful things someone has ever done. Reading is draining to you but his way to deal with shit. This is his world that he's inviting you into in order to distract you. Jason Todd is not nearly as calloused as he comes across and it's so warming and jarring that you are, yet again, at a loss for words. And you adore him so fucking much, you swear he makes all of your broken parts seem not so broken.

"You gonna just stand there or you gonna sit?" Jason asks as he finishes the first paragraph. He feels exposed again but for you, it's worth it. It'll always be worth it for you.

"Okay." You smile at him, crawling onto his bed and sitting beside him.

He gives you this look of contentment, of ease. His eyes are soft, not sad or pained like they normally are. He looks comfortable, here with you and a book in his hand. You want to cry so bad because something about him seems so perfect. He's perfect but in the way that something by Monet is or the way a glass vase is. He's perfect with every cracked, messy, and damaged parts of him because they make him...him.

You think maybe perfect isn't the right word for him because he has flaws, you both have flaws. To be perfect is to be flawless and Jason Todd is anything but flawless but to you, with gentle and adoring eyes, he seems perfect. Maybe to be perfect, as a person, is not to be flawless but to be flawed and still be unapologetically yourself. Maybe that's what is it. To be perfect, as a person, maybe it's because of the things you do and who you are rather than what's happened to you. Maybe being a perfect human is just being able to show softness even when all you have ever known is a life of tragedy and heartache. And to you, Jason Todd is perfectly flawed just like you.

You scoot closer to him and rest your head on his shoulder. The action surprises Jason a little but he falls comfortable with you against him. Jason thinks you’re everything he could have ever asked for. He doesn't care about the violence or the rage that courses through your bones. He doesn't care that you have some issue with Batman over the Joker. It doesn't matter to him because you see him for who he is. He is not Jason Todd, the arrogant asshole. To you, he's just Jason Todd. Jay. And Jason thinks that's what makes you perfect. That you understand him and you care for him even when he's drowning in a war against himself. Jason Todd thinks you’re perfect and he doesn't think anyone is perfect.

Jason looks to you and smirks because he can't help himself. "Unless you wanted to do something else." His brows wiggle as he teases you.

"Shut the fuck and read the fucking book, Jay." You roll your eyes, sinking into him and looking over to read along with him.

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[beautifulpersonpeach]

Which members promotions were your favorite so far? Hobi might win for me because that listening party was super fun and Lollapalooza was crazy. Also More sits at the same table as SMFpt2 for me as far as being really shocking and exciting when it dropped!

***

Hi Anon!

Nothing beats Yoongi’s D-DAY tour for me. My god what an experience. I was fortunate to attend multiple stops and I still have fever dreams in the middle of the day remembering how hard I was screaming along to Burn It and Huh, how my friend burst into tears during Snooze, how I choked up a bit during Life Goes On and finally lost it on The Last. The encore tours gave me the emotional equivalent of a blood transfusion. Seeing Jimin, Namjoon, and Jungkook on stage in a proper concert setting for the first time in almost a year, was really the best parting gift and I’ll always be grateful to Yoongi for it. I love that man very, very much.

That cute practice session Yoongi did for the ‘I’m so cute’ or whatever challenge with Jimin too, subbing ARMYs with screaming plushies and the live he did reading fan messages teasing us about his seven tattoo… and then that cheeky reveal after the tour ended…

Yoongi gave me everything and more with his album and the tour.

Other members too:

- SeokJin going to Argentina to promote The Astronaut with Coldplay was incredible. The planning and organizing behind that feat couldn’t have been easy but somehow they made it work and LatAm ARMYs were finally able to see at least one Tannie for the first time in a long while. That really was amazing.

- Taehyung’s Tiny Desk performances are 🤌🏽

- I loved how Jimin really thought outside the box with his promotions, choosing to go on many really fun Korean variety shows. These are shows BTS either hadn’t done ever or in something like 5 years. A lot of my K-ARMY friends loved how Jimin seemed to prioritize them fully in ways that hadn’t been done for a while.

- I tried hard to attend Joon’s small concert but work commitments didn’t allow that possibility, but I also really love his promotion choices. My partner (surprisingly) has become a tiny bit obsessed with Joon’s Tiny Desk performance lol, so I suspect Joon has gained a new fan.

- Think I’ve already talked about how Hobipalooza was the concert highlight of 2022 for me. Hobi had such a short time to put everything together, and I’m proud of him for going out of his comfort zone a bit sending out invites and throwing the launch party. I loved seeing him just celebrate his success, seeing the other members chill out and have a good time.

- It was nice seeing that at least one member did not forget Europe exists with their promotions (😭), so I’m glad Jungkook could make the trip over to promote Seven in the UK.

The rapline’s album projects are easily some of the best releases this year in any genre for me. And I’m not even trying to be biased. Corroborated by critics reviews, each album is a solid, cohesive, and cerebrally stimulating piece of art and I’m so proud of them for putting it together. It’s easy to see how BTS has become the biggest band in the world when you have these three men who can stand as respected artists in their own right, being the bedrock of the music created by BTS for the last 10 years.

Jimin’s debut with FACE ended k-pop in 2023. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but the industry as we know it, life as we know it, Jimin as we knew him, ended in March 2023. What Jimin did with Set Me Free Pt 2 still gives me goosebumps when I think about it. That song was a warning shot, a small mercy to the industry to warn them in advance of who Jimin is prepared to become as a solo artist and as Jimin of BTS, and I cannot overstate how excited I am for his next project. FACE as an album is the complete package. His songs are just good. Like, actually good. Good enough to play anywhere and any time. That’s the kind of music Jimin makes. Imagine hearing Face-off in a concert arena… imagine hearing the intro play before he comes on stage. Can you even imagine….

Lol I’m starting to hurt myself with these imagines.

Taehyung’s album too is very good (though these days it only gets plays from me in the evenings). And while Seven isn’t my favorite release, it’s still a well made song that Jungkook of course has done a phenomenal job with. Twice now he’s had to promote it outdoors in very bad weather and he’s kept his vocals stable and well projected. He’s working hard and I’m hoping it translates well into work done for his solo album debut later this year.

I have almost no complaints in the debut solo showcases from all the members, in their promotion styles, and in the overall presentation. These albums were all very decent and respectable first showings from the members of the biggest group in the world. The response from the general public and professional critics has been very favourable, and the fandom has supported each member to be as successful as one would expect for anyone from BTS.

I’m a very happy ARMY in Chapter 2 ^_^

[taleasnewastime]

Starting again

Summary: Two years out of studying to have a baby, only your first few weeks back and it’s already not going as easily as you thought. A babysitter you can barely afford dropping out last minute, you have to take your little girl into the lecture with you. What follows isn’t smooth, but it’s the start of you getting closer to your professor, a man you’ve always admired from your seat, but you learn to get to know up close.

Pairing: Hoseok x reader

Genre: Adult student/Professor, single parent, fluff.

Word count: 11k

Warnings: Though this is a student/professor dynamic there isn’t an age gap and nothing happens when they’re in this different power dynamic, talk of sickness, idk I don’t think there’s much in this.

Authors Note: Another single parent fic. Two members down, five to go ...

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I only just found out myself, and you know I’ve dreamed of this. I really wish I didn’t have to –”

“It’s fine Billie,” you cut the rambling girl off with a sigh.

“I really would take Daisy if I could, you know I love looking after her, it’s just –”

“I get it Billie,” you cut her off again, annoyance seeping into your tone. She’s explained long enough, and you really don’t need to hear any more. Before she can speak again you keep going. “Thanks for the call to let me know and enjoy the concert.”

You hang up halfway through her goodbye. A deep sigh leaves you as you try not to slam your phone down on the kitchen counter.

Maybe you’d been too rash hanging up on Billie, but god has she thrown you in the shit. She was supposed to be here in ten minutes to look after your nine-month-old Daisy. Not that she was the most amazing babysitter ever but was a teen and cheap and was usually someone you could rely on.

Just not today it seems.

It’s still only the start of term, the first one back after having a year off to have unexpected Daisy, your final year before you graduate. It’s trial and error. You knew there would be bumps in the road to this, you’d just hoped they wouldn’t have come this early in the year and certainly not so soon to when you’re supposed to be leaving the house.

You’re supposed to be in the car in ten, no, nine minutes. Billie is supposed to be here now.

Mentally you go through your contact list. Your parents live hours away, your best friend in work, your sister on holiday. You could call up a sitting service but you don’t need to check your bank to know you can’t afford that. You can barely afford Billie, but that was a cut in your budget you’d managed to make. A neighbouring teen who’s taken a gap year, unsure what to do with her life and agreed to take on looking after your kid while you go to lectures. She could do with the cash, you needed the help, you thought it’d be the perfect match till now. There’s days Daisy goes to nursery, but with the bankrupting prices you limited those to the days you’re in work.

You’re down to seven minutes as your head flops onto the table. You take a second to compose yourself, to get your mind back in order.

There’s a small gurgling noise from your right, it’s enough to bring you back into the room, to make you lift your head from the table.

“Hey baby,” you whisper, mind slowly clearing as you look at your little girl. “Billie can’t make it.”

You look at your baby, all gummy smile and dimples, still has little hair even at nine months old. She makes another gurgling noise, slamming a clenched fist onto her highchair as if in response to your comments.

“I know,” you say, voice still chipper despite your feelings. “What we gonna do?”

You move towards her, put your arms out so your hands can reach under her arms. She’s heavy for how small she is, but she’s still utterly perfect. You bounce her on your hip as you look around the room, mind still trying to calculate what to do.

“You might get to have mummy home with you today,” you sigh.

You’ve yet to miss a lecture since you started university, before or since Daisy and though you know it’s not the end of the world to miss one, you pride yourself on managing everything. Your daughter, your job and university. Missing a lecture somehow feels like you’re failing somehow, like if you miss this one it’ll be a downward spiral. You know kids do it all the time, a lot probably only turning up to half their lectures and still getting first class degrees.

Daisy lets out another gurgle and then a small laugh.

“I know,” you coo. “How exciting is that? Mummy home on a Tuesday!”

A false happiness seeps into your tone, the last thing you need is Daisy picking up on how annoyed you are. Even so Daisy lets out what sounds like a less joyful murmur. You bounce her a little harder on your hip, eyes darting to the clock, you still have three minutes to work something out.

“Or you could come with me?” You whisper.

Daisy lets out another happy chortle and you look down at her.

“You like that idea, huh?”

Two more minutes. You need to make your decision now. It might be too late but the idea takes off and the urgency takes over you.

“Ok,” you mutter as you put Daisy back in her highchair. “We’re doing this.”

You have no idea if taking Daisy into your lecture is even allowed. But you know her, she’s an amazing baby, she’s unlikely to make a sound and if she does, well you can just take her out. It sounds fine in your head.

You rush around, the bag you had packed for yourself no longer enough. Now you need nappies, a dummy, milk, muslin cloths, toys, spare clothes, almost twice as much as what you’d take if it was just you. Funny how such a small thing can need so much. You don’t give yourself enough time to question the decision though, you don’t have enough time to question it.

By the time you’re out the door you’re minus three minutes. Pretty good all things considered.

Traffic is good. There’s a parking space close enough to the entrance so that even though you’re behind time you still have enough.

You unbuckle Daisy, take her under your arm while you shove your bag and Daisy’s bag under your other. It’s nothing you haven’t done before; you’ve become a juggler in your parenthood.

You make it all the way to the lecture theatre before you second guess your decision.

The room falls silent as you walk in. A rippling that goes across the room as eyes twist towards you. You stand frozen, staring back, door swinging closed behind you. A room full of nineteen to twenty-two-year-olds looking at you, if you hadn’t felt out of place because of your age before, you do now. You’re not even old but being a mature student even if by six or so years makes you stand out. Now with Daisy, you stand out even more.

Daisy moving in your arms gets you looking down at her. She hasn’t made a sound, is being as good as gold, just as you predicted, but you feel wrong with her in your arms. You shouldn’t feel like this, have never felt like this since having her. Guilt at how you’re feeling starts to seep in, as if Daisy might somehow pick up on how you felt.

“Alright,” a booming voice calls out followed by a loud clap that makes you jump. “Eyes on me please.”

You’re still stood by the door, still have Daisy in your arms, still have all your bags on your shoulder, still feel like you’re on fire. You don’t know what to do now, feel like you should turn and leave but the lectures started and you’ve made it here. Why should you leave? No one’s told you to go. Daisy is still behaving. You belong here as much as anyone else.

Swallowing the lump in your throat you raise your chin as you resettle Daisy on your hip and make your way through the lecture theatre.

Eyes still twist to watch you, whispered words don’t quite reach your ears, but you know are about you.

You settle in a row near the back where there’s a few spare seats together. The dulcet tones of Professor Jung follow you as you settle Daisy on your lap and try to reach around her to get your stuff out. You feel hot and bothered by the time you’re fully ready to take notes.

You’ve missed the first five minutes and with Daisy sat on your lap it’s hard to concentrate and write. It’s not exactly ideal. But you’re here and Daisy is quiet and you’re doing it.

You’re still aware of mutters coming from your right, you can’t make out what they’re saying but it’s distracting enough for you to look at the heads that keep shooting glances in your directions, seemingly undeterred by you looking at them. It’s like none of them have seen a baby before but you know it’s more because none of them have seen one in a lecture before.

You tune everyone out, focus instead on the professor at the front. Jung Hoseok. A man probably only a few years older than you. All teeth and smiles and yet it’s always when he goes into his serious monologues when your stomach curdles. He’s hot when he’s happy, which is seemingly all the time, but he’s even hotter when he turns serious. And the days when he chooses to wear all black, it’s hard to take in what he’s saying sometimes. You can understand why his lectures are always so popular and so hard to get on. He’s hot as well as intelligent, a deadly combination.

You’re trying to block the fact that you have brought your child to his lecture. It’s not like you’ve ever really interacted with the man, it’s still the start of term. You’ve only sat in his lecture admiring him from a far. But you wish today had been any other professor’s lecture. Wish it wasn’t him who wasn’t privy to your embarrassment walking in and struggles now writing.

The lecture is going well, Daisy doesn’t make a sound for over half of it. And maybe you grow complacent of that, or maybe Daisy just decides it’s all a little too long and a little too boring. Whatever it is, the noises start small to begin and then seemingly out of nowhere she lets out a loud wail.

Hoseok stops talking at the front, or maybe he keeps going, you’re not sure over the piercing screams.

“Daisy,” you whisper, bouncing your knee to try and sooth her. “Baby, please.”

Your eyes dart around the aisle in front of you, heads are all turned in your direction. You shoot them apologetic eyes, though you’re sure they probably look more manic than anything. This is your worst fear come true. No one seems to care that you’re dying inside, lips moving with words that don’t reach you but are clearly about you.

Not now, not now, you plead in your head, outwardly shushing your child, running a soothing hand down her back. You’re trying to reach for her dummy or maybe a toy to keep her occupied, all while trying to keep your leg bouncing a steady rhythm.

The volume increases in the room, a buzz that increases louder and louder the longer Daisy cries. The lecture is well and truly over now, whatever Professor Jung was saying forgotten in favour of you. You’re ruining everyone’s education with your selfishness to think you could come with Daisy today.

You’re heating up. You should never have brought Daisy here, why did you think you could do everything. You’re not a superhero, not an amazing mum, not someone who can manage all the things you’re trying to juggle at once. You’re just a single mum, barely managing to raise a child let along hold a job and get an education.

Twisting to your side you hold Daisy close to you as you try and gather up as much of your stuff as you can. Focus mainly on Daisy’s stuff. If you can just get out, calm her down somewhere else, you can always come back for everything else later. Preferably when everyone else is gone.

Bag in hand, Daisy in your arms, you turn back to look at the room, ready to leap up and run. But what you’re met with makes your heart stop.

The professor is walking towards you.

Jung Hoseok is climbing the steps. His eyes firmly on you.

You can’t read his face. It looks flat, but not necessarily firm. Still, your escape route now unavailable, your panic only rises. The only thought going through your head being that Hoseok is going to shout and cuss you out in front of everyone. He’s going to humiliate you as if you aren’t already in that state. And a glance at the other people in the theatre shows just how excited they are at that prospect.

You’re still cooing and bouncing Daisy on your knee when Hoseok comes to stand on the step by you. You have to crane your neck back to look up at him, apologies on your lips.

“What’s her name?”

It takes a second for you to comprehend. They weren’t the words you were expecting to come out of his mouth. The next thought is, is he really about to learn your child’s name just so he can personally shout at her?

“Daisy,” you still mutter her name out.

“Daisy,” Hoseok says back, his tone deep yet soft. “May I, Y/N?”

You’re so stunned by the fact that he knows your name that you willingly hand your child over into his outstretched arms. Daisy has already calmed down a little, no longer screaming, more whimpering.

“It’s a big scary room isn’t it, Daisy?” He’s addressing your child, his voice soft and pitched higher. You feel like your jaw is hitting the ground. “But it’s alright. I know it all sounds boring, but we can get through it together.”

He twists to look at you. You take a second to compose yourself. Daisy’s bag is still clutched to your shoulder.

“She alright to come down with me? You might be able to write a little easier then.”

You can’t tell if it’s a dig or not. For one, he’s not saying it in a tone that suggests it’s anything but a kind gesture. For another, he looks completely at ease with Daisy sat on his hip, her chubby hands grasping at his collar, she looks happy now, no longer wailing. But having expected to be shouted at, you can’t help but feel like he’s silently judging you for bringing your child here.

Still, you nod and then watch as your child is carried away in the arms of a man you hardly know. It should be alarming but is strangely not.

It takes you too long to settle back into the lecture, Hoseok easily picking up from where he was, seemingly undeterred by the fact he has a child in his arms. A whole minute goes by before you even think to put down Daisy’s bag and then another before you pick your pen up. It’s distracting watching your professor holding your child. Especially when he starts one of those monologues, the one where his eyes go dark and passion seeps into his tone. You can’t concentrate on the words he’s saying, don’t take a single note.

You’re pretty sure the rest of the female population in this room feels the same as you. Though with it being your child in his arms, you’re sure they’re not feeling anywhere near as flustered as you are. Still, you can see people taking sneaky pictures, girls giggling behind hands, some of the boy also looking at him with eyes that resemble hearts, hardly anyone taking notes.

“And that’s all I have for you this week,” Hoseok rounds things up a whole hour after he began, beaming at the crowd as he bounces Daisy in his arms. “Reading for next week will be up online.”

Even though you rush, you’re slower than everyone as you pack up. All your bags and bits that have spilled over the floor. By the time you get down to Hoseok the room is nearly empty and you’re a sweaty, panting mess.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok,” Hoseok reassures, eyes going from you to Daisy who’s in his hands. “It was a pleasure, Miss Daisy.”

He pauses before handing her back to you, as if not quite ready to part with her.

“You ok with all that?” He says, eyes on all your bags and Daisy, that’s a more likely reason why he wasn’t keen to hand her over, probably worried for her safety.

“Yeah. It’s nothing I don’t do daily.”

He nods, pauses as he leans back onto the desk behind him, feet crossing at the ankle. “Was dad not able to look after her today?”

“What? Oh. No. Daisy doesn’t have a dad. Well, of course she does, he’s just no longer around.”

Hoseok frowns. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“He’s not dead,” you blurt, realising how he may have taken your words given his tone, but instantly flushing at the comment. “I mean he might be. He left before Daisy was born. I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing.”

Way too much information and Hoseok seems to agree if his small smile and clear amusement is anything to go by.

“Sorry,” you carry on before he can. “It was the babysitter who cancelled. Apparently, there’s a band in town she just couldn’t miss.”

He chuckles. “Music is everything. But her loss is our gain.”

“Right. Sorry again about bringing her.”

He cocks his head to the side but doesn’t say anything.

“And thanks for taking her off my hands. You really didn’t have to.”

“But I wanted to,” he replies easily. “Daisy is welcome in my class anytime, whether you have babysitting issues or not.”

“Right,” you flush again. “Thanks.”

There’s a second of silence. Not long and not awkward, that is until you make it awkward, realising the man is probably very busy and doesn’t need to be stood around talking to single mothers. Though Hoseok doesn’t imply anything of the sort, in fact, if anything, he stays leaning back in his spot, not rushing you out the room.

“Well, thanks again,” you say hiking Daisy up on your side. “And great lecture, as always.”

Did you really have to add the last bit? Definitely not. But before you have any time to flush or ramble on some more you twist and start heading for the door.

“I’ll see you next lecture, Y/N.”

Something deep inside you coils. You block it from your mind as you dash out the room, don’t even think to respond to the smiling man you leave behind.

Things go more smoothly after that disastrous day. Billie gets back on schedule and doesn’t attend anymore last-minute concerts. She’s apologetic about it, you easily forgive her and tell her the story of taking Daisy to your lecture, she finds it way too funny.

Hoseok goes back to being another one of your lecturers. You go back to being punctual, arriving before he does and being fully ready for when he starts. Though he seems to ignore you like before, you swear that first lecture back you see his eyes search for you and a look of disappointment crosses his face before a small smile slips onto his lips. But you’re too far away and his eyes move too quickly, a sweep across the room, for you to be sure about what you saw.

Life goes back to normal. Hectic normal.

What between looking after Daisy, university and work, you don’t have much time to think about anything else.

Weeks pass. University starts to ramp up, essays adding to your stress. You start to question why you decided to go back. Having Daisy was unexpected, you hadn’t planned her, had only been with her dad for a few months but when you found out you were pregnant it strangely felt right. The dad didn’t agree, when you refused to get an abortion, he left your life as if he was never there, as if he hadn’t been a part of creating the new life growing inside you. Funny how men can make that decision while women are stuck with the consequences.

You were upset, of course you were. You had to delay the final year of university you’d already started, you were pregnant and alone. You wanted to drop out completely, but your tutor talked you out of it, said you could take up to two years out and if you still felt the same you could still drop out then.

In hindsight you’re so glad they spoke you into it. Because although it’s hard and you have so much on your plate, this was the reason you decided to go to university so many years late, to make a better life for yourself. And now, with Daisy in your life, that only feels more important. You don’t need a university degree to achieve things in life, you can make a career for yourself, which is why you never went in the first place, that and because your grades were never good enough and were never passionate enough. But you’ve lived in the professional world long enough now to realise what those three letters can mean. The difference between a blank space after your name and BSc after your name in your sector is the difference between an entry level job and one with several zeros after the salary.

Still, even with all that motivation behind you, it’s fucking hard.

It’s why you’re stood knocking on Hoseok’s door during his office hours. You find it hard to ask for help but this essay is slowly killing you so you’re swallowing your pride.

Your heart is hammering, has been since you entered the building, palms sweating and mind scrambled. You know why, you haven’t interacted with him since he held your child during that one lecture weeks ago, have only sat watching him from afar. You’re not sure if you’re more nervous about him not remembering you or him remembering you.

“Come in,” a voice calls out from the already half opened door.

He doesn’t look up from what he’s reading as you push in. You’re met with the top of his head, can see the thick black strands swooping down into his eyes, can see his thick black lashes highlighted against his bronzed skin, can see the blue of his veins through his forearms with his white sleeves rolled up to his elbows and when he starts to sit up straighter you are met with the smooth skin of his chest, his collar bone poking out due to an illegal amount of top buttons being undone.

He seems to jerk upright when his eyes land on you. His back straight, his body stiff in comparison to his gentle, relaxed movements when he hadn’t realised it was you.

“Sorry,” you immediately apologise. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I can come back another time if now’s not a good time? Or I can email you my questions?”

Your hand is already reaching out for the doors handle from where you’re still stood in the doorway, ready to retreat as soon as he tells you what form of communication is better for him.

He only shakes his head in response, seems to become more relaxed as a smile spreads across his face. He lifts a hand to indicate you should sit in the chair opposite him. “Sorry, you surprised me is all. Now’s good.”

You’re not sure what about your arrival surprised him. You knocked on his door and he obviously heard you as he shouted out before you came in. It’s not like you barged in unannounced. But you don’t question his comment as you make your way to the chair. You sit down before pulling your bag onto your lap and pulling out the notepad and pen you need with your questions and to make notes of whatever advice he gives.

His eyes are steady on you when you look up. You suck in a breath and try not to give away the affect he’s having on you just by looking at you. The fact you don’t speak must say volumes though.

“No Daisy today?”

You actually look to your empty arms as if to check his words, flush when you realise what you’ve done and then heat even further when you look back up to see the amused smile on his face.

“She’s with the babysitter,” you explain.

“Ah, the infamous babysitter. I must admit, I was a little sad to see you had decided to keep her on rather than bring Daisy to the lectures.”

You heat even further but keep your voice level when you reply. “I think she was a little distracting.”

His smile grows, those long, shiny, perfectly white teeth beaming at you. His eyes alight with something that tells you whatever he’s about to say isn’t going to be good for you.

“Yes, I did notice not many people were taking notes that lecture.”

You feel the need to apologise again, but bite back the words and remain silent instead. Now feeling awkward and still very hot in this too small room.

“Anyway, what can I help you with today Ms Y/N? I’m sure you didn’t come here to discuss your daughter, though I wouldn’t mind if you had.”

You swallow, try to ignore his continued comments about Daisy. He must realise what it’s doing to you, how your insides are turning to mush. He’s gaining too much pleasure from your flustered state, it’s the only explanation in your mind because in your limited experience men, especially ones that look like Hoseok, never want to talk about your child.

“It’s about the essay you set for the 14th,” you begin, look down at your notes to try and set your mind back on why you’re here. “I’m really struggling with how broad the question is.”

“Ok,” he smiles already seeming to slip into a more professional state. “Tell me what you’re thinking first. What areas have you considered writing about?”

You pause in thought before answering. And then, before you know it half an hour has slipped away from you.

Hoseok is good, he doesn’t give you any answers, instead he masterfully pulls knowledge from you. He gives you hints and asks you questions that open up thoughts you hadn’t considered and provides angles you hadn’t thought of. It’s comfortable to talk to him, you were worried that it would be awkward or that your nerves would dominate you and you’d hardly be able to talk. Hoseok never once judges you for any question you ask, he never seems to patronise you with his knowledge, in fact at times he looks a little impressed with some of your understanding on the topic.

Half an hour is all you get with the man before he smiles, slips back in his seat and announces he needs to end it there or he’ll be late for a lecture. You almost jump, hadn’t realised so much time had passed.

“Sorry for taking up so much of your time,” you apologise even though he doesn’t look annoyed, as you pack your stuff up.

“I enjoyed talking to you,” when you look at him he must read something in your face as he adds with a laugh, “really.”

“Well, thank you for your time and advice.”

You stand and Hoseok follows the action.

“That’s what office hours are for.”

You dip your head, wanting to say thank you again but feeling like you’ve already said it enough. He continues to follow you to the door so that when you get there he’s already reaching around and pulling it wide for you to exit. You stop and twist to look at him when you’re stood in the hall. Hoseok is leaning on the door looking back at you.

“I’ll see you in class.”

It feels like a lame thing to say but you’re immediately rewarded with a toothy smile.

“That I will. And remember, if you need any more help or advice my door is always open, or feel free to drop me an email,” you nod with a small thanks and as you begin to turn he adds one last thing. “Say hi to Daisy too.”

Daisy is sick. Not sick, sick, but she is restless and running a slight fever and in her eleven months of being on this earth it’s the worst you’ve seen her.

It’s also another day you have a lecture with Hoseok.

By this point you’ve interacted with the man enough to feel more comfortable around him. You’ve dropped into a few more of his office hours, emailed him out of hours with queries and if you ever turn up after him are even rewarded with a nod of the head or a hello in welcome. You’re not friends, your relationship still too professional for that but you are something.

It’s maybe why you pull open your emails to let him know you won’t be able to attend the lecture today. It probably wouldn’t have crossed your mind for any of your other classes. None of them are mandatory, you’re not given a mark based upon it like some other courses, as long as you hand in the essays and pass the exams you are all good. But something makes you want to email him to let him know.

Your email is short and to the point. Though you send it, your mind is still too focused on Daisy to give it too much of your consideration. It’s only when there’s ten minutes to go before the lecture starts and when Daisy is finally asleep on the blankets you’ve placed out for her that you check your emails.

You expect nothing, but there sits one unread email. Sender Professor Jung Hoseok. Time received three minutes after you’d sent yours.

Your heart leaps even though you know his job is predominantly emails and he was probably already looking at them when yours came in. It should mean nothing. But even the fact he replied to your simple email that just stated you weren’t going to attend his lecture feels like a lot.

                To: Y/N

              From: Jung Hoseok

              Subject: Re: Todays lecture

Y/N,

Is Daisy ok? Don’t worry about the lecture today, just make sure to look after Daisy. I will forward you todays slides as well as some helpful notes I’ll be saying around them. I am happy to meet you for a coffee whenever is convenient to discuss the content if needed.

Don’t forget to look after yourself. And if there is anything I can help with, please let me know.

Kind regards,

Hoseok.

 Should your heart be beating this fast because of an email? You don’t think it ever has before. And though it’s only six sentences it affects you a lot. Still, you reread it a few times before you lock your phone. You need time to digest that before leaping into a reply and say something stupid.

Your focus turns to Daisy instead. Watch her chest lightly rise and fall as she sleeps. Even though you took her temperature with a thermometer earlier you still reach out to lightly touch her forehead now. She feels a little hot but you feel way calmer now she’s settled. Your mum’s on her way with Calpol and moral support.

You reread the email twice more before you press reply. Again your message is as short and uncomplicated as you can make, yet it takes you nearly ten minutes to type out the words you’re fully happy with. He’s in a lecture won’t see your email until he’s done, so you try to focus on other tasks whilst you wait.

The smile on your face is all consuming when you open your emails and see that a reply is already waiting a minute after the lecture was due to finish.

                To: Jung Hoseok

              From: Y/N

              Subject: Re: Todays lecture

Hi,

Thank you for your quick response and concern. Daisy is fine, just running a high temperature and has been struggling to sleep since last night. My mum is coming round to help me this afternoon so with her experience I feel better that Daisy will be fine. Sorry she couldn’t make it earlier so that I could attend the lecture but thank you for the offer of the slides, your notes and some help. If you have the free time I’d happily pay for your coffee in return for some of your knowledge. I promise I will read the slides and do some of my own research prior so as not to take up too much of your time. Tuesday afternoons and Wednesdays either between 9-10 or after 2 work best for me as I work other days. Please let me know if none of these times suit you though.

Thanks again,

Y/N

               To: Y/N

              From: Jung Hoseok

              Subject: Re: Todays lecture

Y/N

I’m glad to hear Daisy is doing ok. Seriously don’t worry about missing the lecture. Let’s meet for coffee after our lecture next week. We can walk there together, and the coffee is on me.

Hoseok.

You linger when the lecture is wrapped up. Are deliberately slow as you pack your things away. There are still a few students in the room as you work your way down the stairs, but not many.

Hoseok is stood leaning over the desk, his eyes flicking between the papers that lie there and his phone.

Your heart pounds with each step. You want him to look up at you, want him to acknowledge you, wanted that to happen long ago but you haven’t spoken since last week and the few emails where you agreed to go for a coffee today. You’ve wanted to email since to double check that the plan was still on but held off. You’re regretting that decision with every step.

You shift your weight from foot to foot as you stand in front of the desk waiting for Hoseok to notice you. Finally you clear your throat and let out a small, squeaky “hi.”

His eyes flick up, his head still angled down and his flat expression does nothing to sooth your worries.

“Uh, I don’t know if you remember, if it’s not a good –”

“Sorry, the emails never stop,” his lips curl before he looks back down at his phone, taps a few more words before standing up properly and shoving his phone in his pocket. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah,” you say. “If you are.”

He looks tired. His eyes worn and smile looks more forced. You hadn’t noticed during the lecture, but now you’re up close you wonder how you didn’t notice, everything he does seems a dead giveaway.

“Honestly, I need the caffeine.”

You smile lightly at his attempt to joke but it feels a little too like the truth and you can’t help the worry that seeps in. Why is so tired? Is he ok? Even though they feel like simple questions, they feel too intimate to ask. He’s your professor, no matter how friendly you feel towards him, you have to remember that.

You make your way out of the lecture theatre. An inch behind each of Hoseok’s steps so you can follow where he goes.

“So where do you fancy?” He twists his head a little so he can look at you out of the corner of his eye as you make your way out of the building and on to campus. “I personally prefer Coffee One. Find I don’t bump into as many students there.”

“Coffee One is good,” you say lightly because honestly you have no idea if it is good or not. Coffee shops aren’t something you frequent any more, it’s a cost and time you can’t afford since having Daisy. You don’t even know where the coffee shop is, have to continue to try and follow Hoseok’s lead.

The further to the edge of campus you walk, the more you realise that he must be right. With the many coffee shops on campus, no student would travel this far for caffeine. But with the distance comes an awkwardness. You don’t know what to talk about to this man, it makes you realise that besides your conversation about your course, you know little about this man to make small talk. Still, you try.

“I found the bit of the lecture on Cola fascinating today.”

He twists to look at you more fully, shock on his face for a second before it morphs into pure amusement. He lets out a small chuckle as he focuses back in front of him. Ok, so you’re bad at small talk but at least you got him to smile.

“Thanks,” he says before smoothly moving the conversation on. “How is Daisy doing? Fully recovered from her illness?”

“Oh, yeah. It wasn’t much of an illness, more overprotective parent then anything, if you get me?”

“Yeah,” he agrees with a small smile.

You pause before you carry on, it’s something you’ve wondered since he first took Daisy off your hands but there was never a chance to ask, at least not one that felt appropriate      .

“Do you have kids?”

“No,” he laughs again as if it’s a joke.

“Really? You seemed so natural with Daisy,” and are always asking about her like you’re a parent yourself and you get it, you add silently.

“I have a nephew but that’s as far as my parenting experience goes.”

“Do you want them?”

You can sense him looking at you out of the corner of your eye. “Yeah, I think I do.”

“You think you do?” You chuckle.

“I mean I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t something I ever used to think too much about. But I don’t know, recently I’ve been thinking it would be nice.”

Your stomach knots in that way it always does around him. There’s something about the things he says, or maybe it’s the way he says them.

“I hope your partners prepared then,” you laugh, though even to your own ears it sounds forced and flat.

Hoseok just smiles, indicates that you’ve arrived and as he holds open for you says, “well I’m single, so guess that’s one problem.”

“Right,” you mutter, barely audible for him to hear as you come to a stop just inside the door.

It’s not a big café, but it’s cute. All wooden with hints of black slate and steel. There are pops of colour in the few plants that linger around, but it’s pretty bare. It means that all eyes go to the register where covered cakes and pastries sit tempting you to eat and a massive shiny coffee machine waits. It has a cosy atmosphere with a small amount of buzz from the few occupied tables.

“Shall we sit in the corner?”

“Don’t you want to get a drink first?” You look at him.

“Ok, you grab the table, I’ll grab the coffees. What do you want?”

You pause, look over to the large board behind the tills. You feel awkward letting him buy you a drink, still feel like it should be you treating him.

“It’s my treat, remember?” He goads, reading the uncertainty. “Plus, you’re a starving student and I’m your professor, it’s only right.”

You pause for a second longer but finally give in and tell him your order. He looks far too happy as he heads for the till and you head to grab a table.

The perk at least comes in being able to openly ogle him. You don’t get long, but it’s enough time to take him in. He’s dressed down a bit today, maybe a result of how tired he is, he has a simple white top on, tucked into some smart black trousers and to complete the look he has some black framed glasses. You wonder if he’s wearing them for fashion and although he seems to take an interest in his style, you feel they’re more likely for his sight. You wonder if he wears contacts every day instead.

When he has your drinks and starts to turn your way, you look away. As the drink is placed in front of you, you say a small thanks as you wrap your hands around it.

You give it a second, but when no other topic of conversation comes up, you try to jump straight into the reason you’re hear. You already have your notebook out and open and with how tired Hoseok looks, you doubt he’ll want to linger long with you.

“I read the slides you sent me and went over all the reading. I think I get it all but wondered if you could talk about your slides on the reading from Rhodes et al., a little?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but can I just process some of this caffeine first?”

He’s smiling despite his words, and though he doesn’t say them in an annoyed tone you still flush. The fact he’s even here speaks volumes though. You wonder why he didn’t cancel if he feels so rotten.

“Oh, of course, sorry,” you stutter a little. “If you want to rearrange or cancel we can –”

“Honestly,” he cuts you off as if he hasn’t heard a word. “Having spoken to you and read your essays, I have no doubt you fully grasped everything you read.”

You flush, not just from the compliment but because he’s not far from the truth. Sure, there were things you didn’t fully get but you could have easily done your own research to grasp it, you didn’t necessarily need Hoseok to understand. But you also weren’t about to turn down having a coffee with him, free or not.

“Anyway, I don’t think I’ve known a student care so much about missing a lecture.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly a twenty-year-old student, am I?”

He hums as he takes a sip of his drink, observing you over the rim. “What made you want to come to uni?”

The question throws you a little, even though you’ve had it asked multiple times in the past. Funny how someone attending at eighteen doesn’t have the same microscope placed on them, as if you should be in a different place in your life at your age.

“I just mean, you’re in your final year, right?” You nod your head at the question. “And you’re clearly very intelligent. But I just wondered why you wanted to get a degree and not, I don’t know …”

He drifts off and you smile, knowing exactly what he wanted to say.

“Focus on my child?”

Colour lights his cheeks and you don’t miss the way his fingers toy with his cup. “I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say you could get an amazing job without having a degree.”

“Thanks,” you chuckle. “I actually spoke to the company I worked for about progression and they offered to help pay for my degree if I stay with them after.”

He raises his eyebrows, impressed.

“I guess it’s been good and bad. Not that Daisy is bad but meeting her dad and him leaving me pregnant hasn’t been a highlight of university.”

He looks like he’s about to spit his drink out his eyes have gone wide, his face now a completely different colour. You realise you may have been a little too candid with that comment and swiftly try and move on.

“Anyway, you must be pretty young for a professor?”

He smirks as if he knows your game and you heat. You hadn’t meant it like that. Sure, you think he’s hot but you honestly weren’t trying to hit on your professor. You would never. You could never.

“I was the youngest professor at the university at one stage,” your eyes go wide at the knowledge, though you shouldn’t be surprised at the accolade. “Turns out they just keep getting younger and younger and now I no longer hold the record.”

“Ah,” you smile. “Just a couple of oldies aren’t we.”

He chuckles, toys with the drink in front of him.

“And I mean you’re a mum,” he looks up at you, the joking completely seeping out of his tone now. “That’s a lot.”

“Yeah,” you laugh lightly. “Though I would never swap Daisy for the world.”

“Of course,” Hoseok is quick to chip in, as if he too would never dream of saying the opposite.

“But I can’t deny I didn’t always think that,” Hoseok cocks his head to the side, a silent question to explain. “I was at uni when I found out. I was already doing my degree later in life than most and then a baby from a relationship that was still pretty new wasn’t exactly my plan. As if I didn’t already have enough to feel left out about with being the oldie in class, now I was the pregnant one too. It was a tough time for a lot of reasons.”

“And yet you still passed your assignments with flying colours.”

Your eyes shoot to him. “You looked at my marks?”

He shrugs as if it’s no big deal, but his eyes avoid you and there’s a small smile on his lips. “You’re one of my students. I always take a keen interest in all my students results.”

You hum, “not sure all my professors would say the same.”

“Well,” he says, not adding anything else on as he takes a sip of his drink. This time it’s you that beams at him.

“It must be a stressful job,” you say, trying to think of a way of coaxing out how tired he looks, trying to check in on him without being so plain. “Marking, running lectures while also trying to do your own research.”

“I think I’m supposed to say I love it so it’s no hardship here,” you watch as he runs a hand through his hair, messing the strands.

“You don’t?”

“It’s just a lot of pressure at the moment,” there’s a pause and when you don’t fill the gap, he does. “I’m trying for some new funding on a project. It means I have to try and impress some people and prove why my research will be worth the investment.”

“I can’t imagine that being a problem for you.”

You hadn’t realised how that might sound until Hoseok raises and eyebrow at you. You’d genuinely meant it, he was approachable, kind with his time knowledge but also so passionate about what he does. You can’t imagine anyone not being impressed with him.

“It’s just a lot of hoops to jump through,” he confesses.

“Well,” you start more conscious of your words now, but still wanting to let him know your feelings. “I know you’ll do it. But make sure to take some time for yourself too.”

His smile is soft, one you’ve not seen before. It lights his eyes up, and though it’s not as big as smiles you’ve seen from him before, it affects you more than any other he’s sent your way.

“Thanks Y/N,” he says, his voice just as gentle. “I’ll definitely try, though it’s a busy time of year, guest lectures and the department trying to plan for the end of the year.”

You nod as if understanding, though really you can only half relate. You have no idea what sort of pressures a professor is put under. Though you can relate to feeling like you have a hundred things to do at once.

“Actually,” his face lights up with an idea. “You should come.”

You pause, waiting for him to explain. “Where?”

“The guest lecture.”

It still doesn’t explain anything. If anything it only causes more questions.

“… is coming and doing a lecture for post-grads. It’s expected that lecturers turn up too, but I think you should come along.”

“But I’m not a post-grad.”

“It’s on a topic we covered the other week in class,” he carries on as if you’re following.

“But, uh, I’m not a lecturer,” you add.

He smiles. “You’d be my guest.”

Your heart stops then stutters back to life. Hoseok still looks oblivious to how you feel. Well, there’s a small smile on his face that makes it look like he’s amused by your reaction. But his words imply he hasn’t taken in a single point you’ve made.

“I think it might help your understanding,” because of course that’s the reason he’d think you should go, not whatever reason your heart flipped for. “Not that you need the help.”

“Ah,” you flush, brushing off his comment. “I’m not so sure.”

“So you’ll come?” He looks hopeful and you have to stop your heart getting it’s hopes up. It’s only because you’re his student and he wants you to well. “It’s on a Tuesday over lunch time so you can’t use the excuse that you have work.”

You chuckle along with him, though the noise is empty and hollow. He remembers your email well enough to know which days you work? It shouldn’t be a big deal, but honestly you’ve not met many men who would remember something that small.

“Uh, yeah,” you say and watch as his smile broadens. “I’ll have a think and let you know.”

“Amazing,” he says as if you’ve just agreed to going. In a way you know you have. Whatever Hoseok is to you, you like him so much you’d happily go to a lecture if it meant you could spend some more time with him.

Jesus, what’s happening to you?

If you felt out of place in your lectures, it’s nothing in comparison to this.

The room is full of people milling around, a gentle hum of conversation filling the air. You felt your hands go clammy as soon as you walked in. A quick glance at the unknown faces was enough for you to bolt to the corner of the room.

It feels safer here somehow, though you really need to get a drink or something because at the moment you’re clutching your bag as if worried someone is about to rip it off you. Not the best look at an academic gathering.

You almost didn’t come. You’d turned up for the lecture before but when there was the announcement about heading here for refreshments, you nearly chickened out. Now you wish you had.

You know no one here, don’t even recognise anyone enough to try and strike up a conversation. You’re terrified someone will spot you and ask what you’re doing here before escorting you out. You feel way over your head.

Another glance around the room confirms what you already know. Hoseok invited you and yet he’s not even attended himself. Maybe you got the wrong impression that he was inviting you to go with him. Maybe he genuinely meant he thought you’d benefit from the lecture and networking. He didn’t mean he was going to come too.

You’re an idiot, truly.

The lecture was interesting, you guess. It had a relevance to one of your modules, but from what you could tell you were one of the only undergrads in there. Why Hoseok said you should attend, you’re not entirely sure.

You’re just debating whether to go and grab a drink or some food to make yourself look less awkward when someone approaches.

“You look new,” you look over at the man who’s carrying a full plate, not letting the fact of eating stopping him from talking. “What are you studying?”

“Ah,” you look around the room as if for an escape. The man’s still smiling when your focus is back on him. “Well, I’m an undergraduate.”

His head cocks to the side. “You’re not a PhD student then?”

“Professor Jung invited me along?” You look around the room in search of the man again but he’s nowhere to be seen.

“Ah, you’re in his third-year class?”

You look back at him, a frown on your face while his is lit with more recognition. He bites slowly down on a breadstick, amusement dancing across his face as if he knows something you don’t. The look only makes you stiffen.

“Yes?”

“So you got to witness baby-gate?”

“Baby-gate?” Your throat dries, knowing what he means but not understanding the implications.

“When he held that baby for a lecture. I’ve got to say, it’s already become a legendary story in the department. And annoyingly it’s only increased Hoseok’s standing.”

He doesn’t look anything but annoyed, in fact he’s still smiling widely at you. You just feel a little dread, you hadn’t really thought much about the fact that what happened would have left your lecture theatre. But of course it was going to get out to his department. Though the mans not implying it’s done anything to affect Hoseoks career, if anything he’s implying the opposite, it still fills you with a little dread.

“Yeah, it was quite something,” you say, deciding to omit the fact that it was your baby he was holding.

“If he gets more funding for his projects or better students because of it, I’m going to be fuming.”

He says it lightly, but you still look at him blankly. You’re not really sure how to respond to that. There’s a short pause before the man breaks it.

“You should get some food. Honestly, the only good thing about these events is the free shit.”

He leaves you with a theoretical shove in the direction of the food and a promise to catch up again later. You’re sure the latter won’t happen, but out of nerves follow the first.

You’re putting a few nibbles on your plate, shooting small smiles at anyone who looks in your direction, ones that say don’t talk to me. You’re still feeling pretty overwhelmed and like you shouldn’t be here when you spot him.

Hoseok has only just arrived, stood just inside the door he’s paused to look around the room, a vacant look on his face as he concentrates. Someone approaches him and starts speaking though it looks like Hoseok doesn’t take in a word of it, he’s still scanning the room. And then his eyes meet yours and his whole face transforms. Gone is the vacant look, his eyes light up, lips pull back a little. He hardly seems to say goodbye to the person before he starts moving.

Your heart thunders in your chest as he moves across the room towards you. It’s as if he only has eyes for you, because though you notice some of the attention in the room shift towards him, Hoseok doesn’t seem to care. A few people try to approach him but he just brushes them off. His eyes are on you the entire time and the closer he gets the more your heart struggles.

You focus back on the food, are picking up a second pizza pinwheel when you feel his presence next to you.

“The free food is the best bit about these things.”

“So I’ve heard,” you mutter.

You look at him and are nearly knocked over by the look he’s shooting you. He looks lit up from within, positively glowing, his smile so wide you worry his jaw might start aching.

You can’t quite comprehend why he’s looking at you like that. Don’t get why he walked across the room and ignored all those surely important professors and PhD students who wanted to talk to him in favour of you. It makes you nervous that he thinks you’re something you’re not. But it also makes something else bubble inside you.

Glancing down at your plate he looks satisfied that you have some food. He picks up his own plate and starts piling on the food.

“Have you tried the mini quiches? They’re always my favourite.”

When you shake your head a little, he doesn’t even question it, just reaches out and places one on your plate.

“If you don’t like it, I’ll steal it later.”

Well, that’s a little assuring, the fact he’s implying he’s going to stick with you now he’s arrived. Though that same thought is also completely terrifying. Because although he’s avoided everyone in the room but you so far, surely he’s going to go and network after this.

“Have you spoken to anyone yet?” He looks at you, plate now full you watch as he pops an olive into his mouth.

“Uh,” you struggle to drag your eyes away from his mouth, but force yourself to. “I didn’t catch his name …” you spot him across the room and point, “but I spoke to him.”

Hoseok’s eyes follow your finger. “Ah, Rav or I guess Professor Peryie. You can ignore everything he said.”

“Oh really?” You look at him to see his brightness has dropped, you worry they don’t get on until you pick up on his slightly coloured cheeks and wonder if it’s something else. “Well, he was implying you’re not going to struggle getting any female PhD students joining your team.”

When he whips his head to look at you, shock written over every feature you only laugh. It’s the first time you’ve felt fully relaxed this whole afternoon. And when you focus back on Hoseok you see the easy smile is back on his face too.

“Come on,” he rolls his eyes. “Let me introduce you to some people.”

It’s funny how something you once thought of as nerve wracking or out of the ordinary can become something so normal. But that’s what being with Hoseok becomes to you.

It’s not like you socialise outside of office hours together, well, unless you count the coffee breaks and strolls around campus. Your predominately study, well, again, you study and Hoseok just works. It’s because you want to do well, you use as an excuse whenever you overthink the whole thing. And Hoseok, being your professor with all the knowledge he holds, it’s easier to just sit together.

But none of that explains the talks you have not about your course. The hours of questions he has about Daisy and the small smiles that flutter to his lips whenever you tell him a piece of new information. It doesn’t explain the feelings that still flutters in your chest whenever you first step into his presence. Doesn’t explain all the hours you long for him when you’re not at university.

Studying gets hard though. Exams approach and your life outside of university continues. You manage to take some days of annual leave from work, feel guilty when you still drop Daisy off at nursery, but you use the hours to study. It’s your final year if you don’t pass these exams –

It’s not worth thinking about.

If Hoseok picks up on your stress, he doesn’t comment. At least not verbally. But he does bring you things, crisps and sweets and fizzy drinks as well as fruit and energy bars. He learns what you like, what you don’t as quickly pick up and what you love. He doesn’t ask, and you never say, but he still manages to pick up on your subtleties enough to bring you what you’re always craving.

“So come on,” Hoseok beams, almost dancing as if excited. “How you feeling?”

“Like I could be sick.”

He laughs like it’s a joke, but you’re not smiling. “Come on. You’ve done so much work you’ll breeze this.”

“It’s alright for you, you’re not having to take the exam.”

“I did once,” he says. “Well, not this exact one but you know.”

“And I bet you were shitting bricks too.”

He lifts an eyebrow and chuckles, answering your question. “And that’s why I know you’ll pass. Because you’ve worked hard for this, and yet I hardly worked and still passed.”

You hum. “That’s because you’re smart. These things come naturally to you.”

“Funny,” he says. “I’d have said the same thing about you.”

You flush, something Hoseok manages to do a lot. It’s just the things he says and the way he says them, as if they’re exactly what he thinks. He says it so plainly and unembarrassed.

“Well, uh, I better get going. I don’t want to be late.”

He smiles as you linger and as you take a step away from him, he reaches out to grab your wrist. It’s gentle, a grip you could easily pull from, but you stay. Eyes go from his hand holding your wrist, up his arm until you meet his eyes already looking at you.

“You’ve honestly got this,” he says, voice almost whispered.

You can only nod your head. Throat thick, heart hammering and now not because of nerves at the thought of your exam.

With a squeeze of your wrist and a soft smile Hoseok lets you go with a quick ‘good luck.’

At least he managed to distract you from the exam. The whole walk to the exam room you struggle to focus on recalling your notes and can only think of Hoseoks fingers on your skin.

You pass. Not quite flying colours, but you do pass comfortably. As Hoseok predicted you had nothing to worry about.

Time is back on your side. No longer having to attend classes, study or do assignments you get more of your life back, can spend more time with Daisy. While it’s nice, more relaxing and you love spending the time with Daisy without the worry of having to catch up on things, there are still things you miss. The main one being Hoseok.

You no longer have any excuse to go to a coffee shop with him, can no longer go to his office on the pretence of asking him a question. You do still email him though. Firstly to thank him for all he did for you, the help and the copious amounts of caffeine. But the emails go well past that.

One email turn into chains. He asks about Daisy but he also asks after you.

You learn more about each other’s lives. Don’t see each other and yet somehow grow closer. Maybe it’s the distance that gets you to open up easier, or maybe it’s the fact you don’t have any official ties to him anymore. Your graduation is still a few weeks away but you no longer view yourself as his student anymore.

Still, it doesn’t mean anything happens. They’re just emails. You don’t see him in person. And as the weeks between exams and graduation pass you learn to accept that emails is all it’ll be. You have Daisy, that’s all you need.

“Congratulations.”

You twist, already knowing who it is before you see him.

It feels like it’s been ages since you last saw him and the sight of him takes your breath away.

Hoseok is all sharp black lines, crisp white shirt, thin black tie. His smile is just as wide and just as white. His eyes sparkling, the skin around them crinkling with joy. You don’t reply to his comment, mind a whirl of disconnected thoughts at the shock of how good he looks. A hint of wicked creeps into his smile as if he can read every thought. But then his eyes are dropping and his smile is all joy again.

“And hello again Miss Daisy.”

You look down at the mans focus, jump Daisy up so she sits better on your hip. Her eyes jump between the two of you, unsure. She’s older now, just over fourteen months old. She can walk on her own, or more wobble, every step looking as if she might topple. She’s said her first word though most noises are still gobbledygook. She must look so different to Hoseok.

“You don’t remember me?” He almost sounds offended, but his voice is sweet and his smile is still in place. “Even after I held you for so long in that class?”

She leans her head into your side, trying to cover her face while her wide eyes still try and take him in. Your smile is broad when you look back at Hoseok, his mirroring yours.

“She’s grown,” he says it gently, quietly as if not wanting Daisy to hear.

“That’s generally what babies do,” you tease, Hoseok’s eyes sparking with joy.

“And you’ve done it,” he says. “You must enjoy all the extra time you can spend with Daisy.”

“Yeah,” you say looking down at Daisy and then more sheepishly looking at Hoseok. “I just also kind of miss uni too.”

He looks surprised and you flush as if you’ve admitted an embarrassing secret. Which in a way you have. Because you may miss university, but it’s not the studying you miss.

“You miss university?” He mutters the words back to you.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Ah,” he scratches the back of his neck as you hoist Daisy to a more comfortable spot on your hip. “So, uh, what are your plans are now?”

You look around, can see your parents stood in the distance talking to some other parents from your course. “I was going to head out for a meal with my family.”

“Yeah, sorry, I mean now you’ve graduated. If you miss studying, do you plan on staying to do a PhD or anything?”

“What? No way.”

“Oh, ok,” he laughs, relief flowing off him though you’re not sure why. “It’s just, that’s good, because now you’re not my student I feel I can ask you on a date.”

“What?”

He laughs, his eyes dancing to Daisy. “I’m sorry, maybe this isn’t the best time.”

“It’s definitely questionable timing.”

“Well, maybe I’ll ask at a better time.”

“No,” you jump in, Hoseok’s eyes wide as he looks at you. “I mean yes,” his smile begins to curve as you stumble over your words. “I mean, I’d like it if you ask again. Maybe when I didn’t have my daughter on my hip.”

You’ve never seen him smile wider. His eyes once again going between you and Daisy before settling on you.

“Then I’ll ask you again,” he says. “Congratulations.”

You both beam at each other for a couple more seconds before you mum calls you in the background. Looking over your shoulder you see your parents waiting for you. Hoseok’s eyes are still on you, the smile on his lips when you look back at him.

“I guess I’ll see you soon?”

“Sounds like a date to me,” he smiles.

You nod, struggle to leave him, but you now you know this isn’t goodbye you can turn and walk over to your parents.

“Who was that?” You mum asks, not even trying to hide the fact she’s looking at Hoseok.

When you glance over your shoulder Hoseok is talking to someone else but his eyes keep glancing your way. You smile back at your mum, hesitating on saying he’s your professor, you guess he isn’t anyone.

“A friend,” you say instead, hoping one day he might be something else.

[theshowliveontour]

I’ve always been a ‘Team Niall’ type of guy.

Mind you, I wasn’t necessarily the biggest Directioner out there, but there was always something about Niall Horan that spoke to me. It’s easy to credit his voice as a mesmerizing blend of warmth and power, with his distinctive timbre that carries a hint of vulnerability, wherein you could easily note how his vocals effortlessly glide through melodies to evoke a sense of intimacy and authenticity. But still, it was also more than just his talent.

Through his time with One Direction, Horan was evidently one of the most distant and private members of the group, yet there was an undeniable transformation about seeing him come out of his shell when performing live. You could see it clearly from the low-resolution performance videos on YouTube, while some of us were lucky enough to see it nine years ago during One Direction’s 2015 show here. Others were even able to witness it further during his Manila stop for the ‘Flicker’ World Tour six years ago.

But over the past six years since we last saw him, the Irish heartthrob has continued to evolve at his craft as exemplified by his third and latest full-length album, The Show. And from what we’ve seen of the record, adapted live for “The Show” Live In Manila stop at the Mall of Asia Arena, this may very well be the most open and vulnerable we have seen Horan ever –– and perhaps the best that we’ve seen of him as of yet.

As I approached the steps of the Mall of Asia Arena last May 13, you could easily note the years-long build-up of fans waiting to see that side of Horan once more. Whether it was the long line of fans praying to buy any last-minute tickets made available from the booth, or the hundreds (if not thousands) of fans already queuing in line to be the first to enter the venue that caught you attention, the energy outside was close enough to pop off the roof of the 170,000 sq ft arena.

By the time the lights of the arena began to dim, the words “Oh my god, Niall! I love you Niall!” became a uniform chant that was heard all across every corner of the venue, which was only drowned out by the gradual rise of instrumentals that built up the ‘Showverture’ of Horan and his band’s entrance onto the stage. Every shriek you heard was filled with such conviction –– you could really feel the drought that several of his fans felt from his absence.

Kicking off the night with hit track “Nice To Meet Ya,” Horan had everyone hooked from the moment he said the lines “I like the way you talk.” Building upon the energy of the audience, he followed it up with a rocking (and quite impressive) medley of Stevie Nicks’ “Edge of Seventeen” (showcasing his love for classic rock tracks) that seamlessly blended in his performance of “Small Talk”. Hearing him fully embrace that sort of sound with an unabashed confidence was jaw-dropping to say the least, and surely an indicator that Horan has the chops to become a full-blown rock star from the ’70s.

“On a Night Like Tonight” and “On The Loose” were up next on the setlist, perfectly setting the tone for the high-octane energetic evening that was set to take place as the hours passed by further. Addressing those in attendance with palpable excitement, Horan cheerfully greeted them by asking; “Silly question, how are you all feelin’ tonight?” –– which was responded to with an uproar of high-pitched cheers and screams. As he expressed his gratitude to the audience, the One Direction alumnus reminisced about his last visit to the country and marveled at the sheer amount of people in the packed venue. “Thank you so much for filling up this place for me,” he exclaimed in his adorably Irish accent.

“It’s been six years, but I’ve missed you guys. Are you ready to sing as loud as you can?” he challenged the crowd. As for their response, the only thing you could make out of it was an unintelligible series of screaming and cheers that only amazed the Irish singer even more. “We’ll see about that,” he replied –– with a cheeky wink directed at the camera following his gaze.

Horan continued the set by performing the titular track of his latest record “The Show”, taking to the grand piano on stage to perform a soulful rendition of his track. It was a powerful moment that was as affecting as it was inspiring, for Horan’s impassioned vocal delivery rang true and straight into the hearts of his fans with every note. And by the time it hit its crescendo in the track’s bridge, you could already see the sea of lights waving across the entire arena –– which definitely moved me and everyone else present as sentimental as it sounds.

Picking up the energy back up, the Irish singer by inspired live renditions to “Cross Your Mind” and “If You Leave Me” that encouraged everyone to match his energy on stage. In fact, some fans even went above and beyond at the challenge, with their frenetic belting close to overpowering every lyric that was sung by Horan. It was an amusing display of fervor in real-time, even grabbing the awe and attention of Horan as he noted, “Wow, you played a good show [everyone] –– not that I was expecting anything less!”

To cool down following such an energetic exchange, Horan began his more intimate set for the night, delivering heartfelt and acoustic guitar-laden renditions to his hit tracks “Flicker”, “This Town”, and “You Could Start a Cult.” It was a great display of his versatility, channeling an entirely different sound that embraced a vulnerability we’ve only seen flickers of over time.

The rapport built up between the soft-rock singer and his fans was at a whole new level, with an unspoken level of intimacy evident from the soft whispering along the words of these songs, as a welcome accompaniment to Horan’s outstanding performance. Horan’s choice to integrate a rousing violin performance from his bandmate Emily Konhavi only intensified the ambiance inside the arena –– creating a moment of pure connection between Horan and his fans.

As he transitioned into the second half of his set, Horan took the time to interact with his fans directly, reading through the several signs held up from the standing pit of the venue to the full-sized tarpaulins hanging from the lower box section. “I skipped my final exam…just to watch you tonight…” reads the singer, only to burst into laughter at the immediate realization of what he just read. “I do hope they give you a make-up for that one, love” he further added –– showcasing his humor and personality from such a simple exchange

Reading the large-scale “Manila Lovers” banner hung up, he took the opportunity to give a shout-out to the official Philippine street team of Lovers stating; “I just received your special gift box earlier. I absolutely love it, so thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me and this show.” “You guys are absolutely something else!”

Horan then performed a radiant interpretation of his hit single “Heaven”, which had people (even for a grown man like me) kicking their feet up in the air with just how warm and fuzzy it felt to hear the words “God only knows where this could go…Heaven won’t be the same” live and in person –– as if we were deluded into the fact that was singing it directly to us from the stage. “Everywhere” only added to the delusion even further, yet it was his soulful rendition of “Night Changes” that changed the game for everyone in attendace.

When I tell you that the tears were shed during the latter track, I kid you not –– that actually did happen. With a rush of goosebumps flooding my skin, there was a massive wave of nostalgia that came over the entire arena. It’s tough to describe just how impactful hearing that song live after all these years felt, but my God, was it quite the experience. Even by the time the track was approaching its final chorus, the audience made sure not to overpower Horan’s vocals as they joined in singing it –– as if there was an unspoken bond between everyone present to appreciate this moment exactly as it was.

Though his performances to “Paper Houses”, “Meltdown”, “Mirrors’, and “Still” may have seemed like the closing leg of the show, it still felt like it was a bit too soon for the show to end. The crowd knew it and clocked it at that –– beginning an arena chant stating “Isa pa! Isa pa!” the heartthrob had no choice but to return for a just a few more songs.

Though the audience noticeably asked for One Direction’s “Stockholm Syndrome”, Horan decided to perform a delicate and emotional rendition of “Save My Life” –– a track that he dedicated to the Filipino audiences present. “I want to thank every one of you for spending the night here with me – and for spending your hard-earned money on this show. I know concert tickets aren’t exactly cheap in this economy, but I’m so grateful that you’re all here with me,” he quipped.

Teasing his desire to return to Manila as soon as he could, the 30-year-old singer added; “I don’t think we should make the wait six years again, [so] we have to make a deal. Not six years… seven!” –– to which his fans responded with a universal set of jeers and boos. As he laughed at his own joke, he replied back stating; “Alright, let’s make it eight [then]!”

For his final performance of the night, Horan played his debut hit single “Slow Hands” which had everyone clapping or holding up the lights of their phones. As someone handed him a folded Philippine flag, the Irish musician waved it proudly –– eliciting applause and cheers from everyone inside the Mall of Asia Arena.

Even as Horan bid farewell to his fans and took his final bow with his amazing band, it felt like you wanted more from him. Because with every song, every interaction, and every beat, Horan delivered more than just a concert; he delivered an experience — a testament to his undeniable talent and his genuine connection with his audience. Because as the lights turned back up and the cheers faded into silence, there still remained a bittersweet longing — a desire to rewind time and relive the magic once more.

For in that fleeting moment, Niall Horan didn’t just perform –– but he gave Manila “The Show” of their lives, proving just how far and impressive he’s come into his own career. It’s arguably the best we’ve seen from him, and perhaps the most open and interactive that he’s been with his fans (a fact that we absolutely adore).

More than just a welcome display of his talents, “The Show” Live in Manila served as a long-awaited homecoming of sorts for Horan –– with thousands of his Filipino Lovers more than willing to welcome him back to the country with open arms and an open heart. For in those two hours that we spent with Horan and his band –– I haven’t felt anything quite as intimate from the arena setting in the longest of times.

And for that, we’ll forever yearn for just one more encore.

[aventurasdeunatortuga]

Sunday, July 21st

Last full day of this trip.

I managed to actually very easily change my train tickets back to Seoul for this morning and booked a last minute hotel. The train journey was very quick and seamless.

I had wanted to go back to my original hotel in Seoul but it was all booked up, so I found one sort of nearby but didn’t realize until after I booked it that it was a capsule hotel, where you basically get an 8x4 wooden box with a little door on the end, the box sits on a shelf with 8 other boxes per room. The hotel itself was honestly one of the worst I’ve ever been to, not the worst, but definitely up there in the top 5. At least there was proper ventilation and air conditioning is all I can say. Bathroom was definitely very scary.

After putting my things in my weird little wooden box on a shelf I went out to _____ market to go try to find a suitcase. I have bought way too much stuff here, more than I’ve ever bought on any other trip before, so I got a whole separate suitcase.

Then I went over to Myeongdong and though I’d been to that neighborhood plenty of times I somehow didn’t realize there is a big shopping street there that I ended up on. I went there to go get my haircut.

I hate getting haircuts so I almost never get them and then my hair gets really long and damaged. Korea does beauty and hair salons like no one else, so I told the stylist to give me whatever style she thought was best. She told me she was going to cut it short and I said I was okay with that but was still shocked when without even looking she lopped off a good 5-6 inches of hair.

She did a fantastic job and it turned out really well. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy with a haircut.

After that I got some dinner. I love Korean Barbecue but they serve such huge portions it’s usually best to not go alone, a lot of barbecue restaurants here will actually turn you away if you’re eating alone. My first night here I found a place that served small portions, and I was able to get barbecue again with a girl I met on a group tour another day, but today I was all by myself and they served huge portions. I was surprised they didn’t turn me away, I was fully expecting them to. The staff were laughing after I ordered. I was very determined though and managed to eat it all.

The last thing I did was go up to Namsan Tower, it’s a huge tower on a hill on the outskirts of town that has the best view of Seoul. They had a little outdoor elevator / escalator that took you up to the bottom of the second hill, from there you take a cablecar up to the top. It was gorgeous. They light it up different colors depending on the air quality that day, red/orange/yellow for poor, green for average, blue for good, and purple if BTS is doing a concert 😂

I took the cablecar/elevator back down to the ground but even though it was only about 1km back to the metro and my hotel it took me nearly an hour and a half. I don’t know why but today my feet just started hurting so badly. It was also still really hot despite being nighttime so I might’ve been experiencing a bit of heat stroke as well. When I finally got back to my little drawer hotel my feet were literally bleeding from blisters.

Until tomorrow,

[finn-macuncool]

I’m just gonna ramble here bc I can lol.

I had a great time at the Beast in Black concert in Seattle! It was actually my first time ever doing stuff in Seattle (I’ve technically been there before but just at the airport and train station).

My thoughts on the trip:

I had to drive 5 hours out which honestly wasn’t too bad, cruise control is my best friend lol. It suddenly got super rainy in the pass, which is expected of Seattle, but it was a bit scary going through that with very windy roads. Very beautiful scenery tho.

Seattle roads are AWFUL. I HATE the way they are set up, they make the roads in my town look logical, which is saying a lot.

I accidentally got there a few hours earlier than I expected, so I just sorta shuffled around the Fred Meyer and got a Starbucks coffee bc I had a gift card lol. I was surprised to find that every establishment I went to had codes on their bathrooms. Like I knew Seattle was hostile to its homeless population but damn.

The whole trip I had to constantly decide if I looked more feminine or masculine and which bathroom was probably safer for me, which is exhausting. I was wearing a good amount of jewelry but I forgot to shave or else I could’ve easily more passed as feminine, but even with a little bit of beard scruff people generally still used she/her for me (I use he/they but it’s whatever).

Now the concert bit:

It started raining in good ol Seattle fashion as we waited in line outside, and while I’m used to rain I did get quite soaked lol. My denim vest and flannel were pretty good at keeping me warm tho.

The venue was very very small, which was cool but it also got very warm very fast lol. I bought a t shirt before the show started, and had to wriggle out of my flannel at one point and tie it around my waist.

I went by myself bc I don’t have any irl friends who like metal, but I was quickly “adopted” by this one group of friends which was fun. I got very close to the stage, like only one row in front of me, which is helpful bc I’m short lol. The opener was Dance With the Dead, which is only instrumentals, no vocals. But surprisingly they managed to keep the energy up the whole time, and they definitely loved what they were doing. I forgot to bring ear plugs, but one of the guys next to me offered me some after I mentioned that lol. The guard at first thought he was giving out drugs but he showed that they were just earplugs lol. I was starting to get really tired tho, since I had driven 5 hours and was standing and jumping and head banging a lot. I was feeling a little dizzy and hoped I didn’t pass out before the main event.

Then Beast in Black finally came out, and somehow they managed to completely rejuvenate me lol, I had so much more energy. At one point I did take the ear plugs out again so that I could fully experience the music (and they were causing a weird buzzing sensation in my ears).

Ahhhhhh they were just so fantastic!! So much fun, so much energy, very interactive and humorous. Someone brought a whole bunch of mini Finnish flags and they were pleasantly surprised by that. The whole crowd was very energetic too, and not really any shoving like I’ve seen at other concerts. Someone handed them a plastic cowboy hat and they all took turns wearing it lol. They said that they do plan on coming back to Seattle again, and I’ll make sure to go again bc it was such a good experience. Maybe by then I’ll have convinced more friends to like their music lol.

After that I drove to the nearest rest stop and slept a bit in my car, then went back home. I’m very sleepy now but in a good way.

Here’s the shirt I got, and I’ll probably make a another post with the videos I got (I only got two videos of the choruses of some of my favorite songs, but I didn’t get any more bc I just was really in the moment)

[dear-wormwoods]

Happy New Year!

I know I haven’t been posting much lately, but I do like to write something every year on New Year’s Eve so I can look back on things if I want to in the future.

So 2023 was a pretty awesome year for me, to be honest. I really didn’t accomplish any of my goals from my last New Year’s post, except for continuing my Duolingo streak, but you know what? It’s totally fine. I set myself back financially and made no progress on getting in shape, but I had a lot of fun!! And that’s really what this year, particularly this summer, was about.

Travel Highlights:

Went to Colorado in June/July, had an amazing spa day and fancy dinner on my birthday, did a bunch of really cool hikes and took a ton of photos, had more fancy dinners, saw 4th of July fireworks over the Denver skyline, went to museums including the Molly Brown house and the best prehistoric exhibit I’ve ever seen, saw moose and elk, and generally had the best time ever.

Visited my aunts in North Carolina for the first time, and had a great time. They convinced me to treat myself while we were at a real jewelry store so I got myself some diamond earrings. Because why the hell not? I’m an adult with a salary, and I don’t need to save or put toward bills every penny I make.

Went to Ocean City in Maryland for the first time as well, which was a ton of fun even though I’m not the most beachy person ever. Ate crabs, got wasted, rode rides, saw wild horses, and then afterward went to Hershey Park which was also a lot of fun and had great roller coasters!

Went to Colorado AGAIN spur of the moment in November because we finally got invited to go to Casa Bonita. So we did that, of course, went on an awesome winter hike in RMNP, got massages, and had a fancy dinner at a Chianti event in Denver.

I also went to a few shows this year:

Iron & Wine in July which is definitely a highlight of the year because he is my favorite musician and I’d never seen him before. Super intimate acoustic show so I didn’t get any pics or videos but I’ll remember it forever, especially that he played my favorite song!

Modest Mouse, Lord Huron, and a bunch of smaller bands at a two day festival in August. Such a fun time, and both headliners were SO good. Lord Huron is a newer find, but I’ve been listening to Modest Mouse for over a decade and never saw them live!

Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service in September, for the 20th Anniversary Transatlanticism and Give Up tour. This was my second time seeing Death Cab but this show was special because both bands played those two albums in full, and Transatlanticism is one of my favorite albums ever.

Other cool things:

Went to a fancy tea room in Boston.

Saw Titanic in theaters TWICE during the 25th anniversary rerelease.

Saw a queer comedy show.

Practiced drawing more, but not as much as I’d like.

Went to the gym slightly more consistently.

Cooked some great meals.

Started writing a fanfic I love, which I truly do intend to finish!

Went on a couple of writing weekend trips to Maine which did of course include lobster and a dessert bar.

Had many snuggles with my cats.

Made sweet desserts for my family’s Thanksgiving and Christmas get togethers.

Played a billion hours of The Sims, and took hundreds of screenshots for my save’s very extensive family tree.

Cut down on waitressing hours at the expense of my savings account so I can have weekends back and not burn out so easily.

Other than all that, I went to work and that was fine, tried dating a few times but nothing panned out, and just kind of hung out and did my thing most days.

Huge shout out to @terieri who not only is my travel buddy, but also willingly came to all those concerts, and is the only person who is as invested in my Sims lives as I am! This year would have been super lame without her.

2023 was all about having fun, exploring, doing new things, and eating great food. It gave me a lot of memories and while I know I won’t be able to afford having another year like this for some time, hopefully I can make 2024 pretty great too!

I hope you all have a wonderful night doing whatever you choose to do on New Year’s Eve, and that 2024 starts off amazingly for you all. For myself, I like to get takeout and play video games so that’s what I’m going to do.

❤️

[ihearthes]

14.

Five years ago, I first saw Harry Styles live in a small venue in Phoenix, Arizona on his first solo tour. October 14, 2017. He wore a long sleeved black shirt with wide-bottom trousers that had a floral pattern on them. His wrist was bandaged from his surgery, and he pulled a guy on stage with him to dance to Woman. I went to the concert alone, and because I flew into Phoenix, I ended up meeting my uncle for lunch. He’s teased me ever since about flying there to see a “pop star”.

Last night, October 14, 2022, was my 14th solo Harry concert, and I’m still flying places to see a “pop star” despite my family’s continued teasing (which is more like resentment since I see Harry more than I see them). And although I went to the concert alone, I’ve met up with other Harries at every show after that Phoenix one, including this one where I finally got to meet the amazing @hesactualsunshine !Harries are truly the best humans on planet earth.

2017 Harry was charming and cute and nervous still. He was gaining comfort as a solo performer, and his dancing could easily be described as noodly because he flopped about. His voice was pleasant to listen to, and he interacted with a few fans, including the guy he pulled on stage for dancing.

2022 Harry is charming and cute but bolder now. His dancing has actual footwork, and sometimes I miss the noodly moves. His voice has strengthened and grown (with a vocal coach’s assistance, I’m sure), and he uses his lower register much more.

And he continues to interact with fans. In fact, he’s a veritable comedian on stage when he reads signs and goes from calling out a couple for kissing (“This is a family show!”) to chatting with a fan whose father cheated on her mother so the daughter gleefully used her father’s money for the show. Or talking to a lovely couple who met at a 1D show in 2014 at Soldier’s Field (“I felt something in the air that night, and it was the two of you!”) to chatting with a girl who got arrested for public nudity and missed her court date to be at the show.

And while some fans have opinions that are harmful, in person they are all lovely individuals. Friendly. Polite. And covered in feathers from a variety of colored boas.

I’ve been blessed to be able to see Harry many times in his solo career. I truly hope all Harries have the same pleasure to watch his growth over time moving forward. Thanks for letting me come along for the ride, Harry!

[purplesurveys]

1674

Can you write in cursive? Well, yeah we had to take it up in school. We were also required to write in cursive in some classes in high school so to this day I can adjust easily between print and cursive.

Have you ever viewed the moon through a telescope? Sure, once. We had an overnight stargazing activity in school and they rented out a few telescopes to let us see the moon and some planets.

Where do you like to sit in the movie theater? Anywhere in the center section is ideal, but if those happen to be booked then I don’t mind sitting at the back-ish rows, as long as it’s not the literal last row.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Yup. I’m 100% sure I don’t actually hold the chopsticks properly when I use them, but I can at least keep my food up and that’s good enough for me haha.

Have you participated in a marketing survey? Eh, sure. You know those websites that send you money when you answer their surveys? I used to take those when I was a jobless fresh grad during the pandemic as a way to try to get some sort of income, no matter how small. I earned all of ₱30 during that time LOL because I wasn’t qualified for most of the surveys that were available.

Do you normally finish one book before starting another? No. I’m bad at reading in the first place so I usually jump from one to another without ever finishing any of them.

Do you prefer Chinese food, Mexican food, or Italian food? None of these are my go-tos but at this moment I’m feeling Italian the most. Then Chinese, then Mexican.

What genre of film do you usually watch? Drama.

What was the last TV show that you watched? Seventeen’s 13 Castaway Boys.

Which branch of science do you find the most interesting? I liked biology; I enjoyed the memorization that came with it. Also astronomy!

Do you prefer reading books, comic books, manga/graphic novels, magazines, or the newspaper? Magazines and the newspaper. I’ve always been partial to nonfiction.

Do you believe that people can change? Yes, but it doesn’t come easy.

What book are you reading right now? I’m not reading anything at the moment.

Was there anything that inspired you today? No. I actually felt down today, so I’m not in the best headspace. I did turn on a few songs that I usually listen to when I seek comfort, but it wasn’t to get inspired but rather so I can push myself to cry because I’ve been needing to let the tears out for some time now hahahaha.

Are you more of a leader or a follower? Follower. I can lead, too, but I always appreciate a little bit of guidance.

What is something that you’re looking forward to? My trip to Thailand.

If you were an animal, which one would you be? Dog.

What was the last performance/concert you went to? Seonho’s fanmeet back in January.

What is the last dream that you remember? Good one. I can’t actually remember the last that I managed to remember upon waking up.

How could today have been better? I wish I didn’t have to dedicate half the day for work. I wish I could’ve just rested. I wish I didn’t have to mentally prepare for a work event tomorrow (Sunday).

Salty or sweet? Salty; was never one for dessert.

What is the last song you listened to? Life Goes On by BTS.

Is there anything you’d like to buy right now? CLOTHES. I need to get new stuff for Thailand so my photos can look cute!!!!!! I also still need a concert outfit!!

How would you describe your job? Requires a lot of grit and patience.

What was the first thing you ate today? Siomai.

Do you know how to play chess? No, I never understood how it works :(

If you were given the chance to be immortal, would you take it? Nah.

What is your favorite hot drink? Not big on hot drinks.

Which meal of the day is your favorite? I usually splurge for dinner, so that.

Do you believe in aliens? Extraterrestrial life, sure, but I don’t exactly subscribe to how aliens are usually depicted in films.

Is there anything right now that you’re craving? Not really, I’m feeling pretty full.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Bpp how have you been handling chapter2? Do you get bored or lose interest in Bts in hiatus? Do the solo rollouts not bother you? Please be honest I really want to know you true opinion.

***

Hi Anon,

Chapter 2 has been rough for you, hasn’t it? At least, based on your ask it sounds like it’s been. Tangentially, did you enjoy yourself this past weekend?

I’ve said this before, but if you ever feel like it’s a chore to remain plugged into BTS or stan culture, please step back. Don’t feel guilty about detaching if you no longer find joy in it. Move on to another hobby or another group if that’s where you’re at. BTS has fans, don’t worry. Don’t feel any obligation to stick around if Chapter 2 isn’t serving you what you want. You can check back in 2026 when the guys are together, or move beyond them completely.

That said, personally, I wonder how you can even ask me this question. Like, what else has Chapter 2 been but a trip? Lollapalooza, Balming Tiger collab, World Cup, Jungkook’s birthday video for Jimin, Indigo collabs, Set Me Free Pt 2, Promise on Spotify, On The Street, D-DAY tour, Yoonmin live, etc.

It’s been a blast. The music is easily some of the best globally this year and last. To illustrate:

...

The song I just listened to is Baseline by j-hope.

*

It's like a drug for me.

I don't think you understand.

I get high... off their music. Like, I don't know why you think two years of irregular releases without their full promotion of that music, will change my underlying sentiment. BTS scratches an itch few other artists can reach for me.

[ The sentiment? BTS is one of the best musicians of my generation. They make music that actually slaps. Any day of the week. Any genre they touch. It's prime good music. ]

Let me walk you through my playlist for the last half hour:

J-hope - Baseline

Baseline is the sauciest hiphop joint out of Korea, ever. J-hope is undeniably one of the most skilled and versatile rappers out of Asia. Point. Blank. Period.

RM, Tablo - All Day

RM's vocals in All Day render me a stupid mess. He's sooooooo... he's kinda nasty. I mean, it's big, he's kinda messy with it, but he ultimately knows how to use it, and he knows you know that he knows. All of this I deduced from his articulation and delivery on All Day. Tablo too, that tease, matched Joon's energy seamlessly. No further comment.

*

RM, Mahalia, Benny Blanco - Closer

Namjoon created a masterpiece with Indigo. It's an atrocity that many people won't admit it. Really. Indigo is the album of 2022 (Hurt by NewJeans being the song of the year, and JITB at Lollapalooza 2022 by j-hope the concert experience of the year.) Closer is an impeccably produced song. I mean it's almost disgusting how smooth the production, arrangement, instrumentation, etc on that song is.

*

Jimin - Alone

The cold clarity in his lyrics. How raw and honest he is, in such a well produced track... people need to show this song more respect.

*

RM - Change Pt 2.

The only song that rivals how brilliant and badass this one is, is Set Me Free Pt 2 by Jimin.

*

Agust D - D-DAY

The entirety of D-DAY album still has me in a vice grip, but something about D-DAY the song, rips to the core. How he manages to slip something rock anthemic into the epic call to arms he made that song into... Yoongi is in a league of one.

And to drive home the point, listen to him on HUH?!

Agust D, j-hope - HUH?!

Still the best song on the album. Undeniably. I mean, if you don't black out when this song comes on are you even alive? /gen. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, I could be exiting my company's underground garage, loading laundry, whatever... no matter what I'm doing, when this song comes on I feel my brain short circuit. It's like a mental reset. I suddenly feel so alert and primed with tension I could kill a person if I felt like it. The grandmas scared about what rap does to teens... songs like HUH?!, really do flip a switch in people's heads. They're right to worry because that's what the genre, drill - the gritty, ominous, and violent contemporary expression of rap - that's what it's made to do. And Yoongi showed an effortless mastery of it in HUH?!

*

Agust D - tour medley

I hope people who weren't able to see Agust D in person, were at least able to see him in the livestreamed concerts. Many times since I saw him in California, I've come back to some fancams from his earliest days of the tour. This one by rogrog is a favourite. Yoongi is a master of his craft who loves to show off his virtuosity. And in his D-DAY tour, that's what he does.

*

j-hope, J. Cole - On The Street

Jung Hoseok just casually produced this timeless classic and dipped to the military. No fuss. No sweat. No excuses. He just did the thing, had J. Cole spit some of the sickest bars of his career on that song, then said, "see you later."

Things like this are why he's my bias.

He's a consummate professional.

*

Unpopular opinion, but I have no real issues with their solo roll-outs. I'm not unsatisfied with too much and frankly, I'm so greedy for new music I wouldn't mind another cluttered roll-out. I hope Joon's music follows soon after JK's because God knows I'm not sure I can stand the wait much longer. Joon makes a lot of 'BTS-style' music and so whatever he drops will serve as the perfect complement to Seven / JJK1. And Vmin will likely drop new music in the next year as well.

Chapter 2 has been kind of a blast.

That's my "true opinion", Anon.

[stephanieromanoff]

Angel to wispy for the ask game 😘

Oh my 😂 okay

angel; do you have a nickname? I have several. Here people either call me Stephanie or Steph, and irl people call me Be, Beba or Betine.

awe; how old are you? 21.

bloop; spirit animal? I think it’s wolf.

blossom; favorite book/movie/song? Fav movie is Mamma Mia, book is Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, and song currently is Lift Me Up by Rihanna.

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child? A bear.

breeze; most precious childhood memory? The day my cousin (who I consider the sister I’ve always wanted to have) was born.

bubbles; do you have a best friend? I do, more than one.

buttercup; showers or baths? Showers.

butterfly; dream destination? Mexico.

buttons; are you religious or spiritual? No.

calm; favorite scent? Home.

candlelight; what did you dream about last night? I have no idea.

charming; have you ever been in love? I don’t think so.’

cozy; eye/hair color? My eyes are dark brown and my hair is currently ginger.

cupcake; favorite flower/plant? I don’t have one.

cute; what did you get on your last birthday? Alcohol and a card.

cutie pie; most precious item you own? My lesbian flag.

cutsie; what makes you happy? Being around people I like.

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free. When I traveled with my cousin.

daydream; how do you want to be remembered? As someone who made a difference.

daylight; favorite album of all time? I don’t have one.

dear; zodiac sign? Scorpio ♏️

delightful; concerts or museums? Concerts

dimples; have you ever written a letter? Yeah

dobby; dream job? Criminal psychologist

doll; how do you like to dress? Stylish and comfortable

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences? No

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos? I do, 6

drizzle; do you believe in aliens? I believe there’s other beings around the universe

euphoric; talk about someone you love. One of my best friends. She’s been there for me since 7 grade and though we’re very different from each other she’s still like a sister to me

fairy; do you have a pet? I have 2 dogs

fluffy; ocean or mountain? Ocean

forever; where do you feel time stop? Idk

froglet; are you a good plant owner? I don’t really like plants lol

garden; how many languages do you know? 4

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs? You wifey

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice? I don’t really have one

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not? I like when they’re polite

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself. I like my eyes, that I’m always on a good mood, I’m very optimistic, I like my hair and that I’m usually very calm

heart; silk or lace? Lace

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it? Tea. No milk and no sugar.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why? People watching ig, I’m not really into birds

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep? Rain

jewel; what's your favorite kind of weather? Not too hot or too cold and sunny (if I need to leave my house)

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends? Watch movies or shows and hang out with friends

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more? I usually giggle

kinky; do you blush easily? Yeah because I’m pale af lol

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most? Having a family with my future wife

kitty; what's your favorite time of the day? Afternoon

ladybug; what's your favorite artist to listen to when you're sad? I don’t have a preference on music when I’m sad

love; what is your favorite season and why? Spring because it’s more beautiful considering the flowers and stuff, and also because my birthday is on spring

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream? I don’t really eat macaron, but my favorite ice cream flavor is strawberry

magic; what are five flaws you have? I’m lazy, I procrastinate a lot, I can get angry very easily depending on the person I’m angry at, I get annoyed by people very easily as well and I don’t trust easily

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks? Cool darks

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other? Loyalty and someone who is fun to be around

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date? With someone I really like doing something I really like

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself? Listening to music

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life? I have to learn how to say “no” more often. It will definitely save me from uncomfortable situations.

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more? Bake

prince; how would vou describe vour handwriting? I feel like my handwriting is pretty if we’re comparing with kids handwritings, but too childish if we compare with adults

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play? I used to play piano and guitar, and I wish I still played piano and learned how to play drums

prinky; how do you relieve stress? Listening to music

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/ vegetable? My favorite fruit is strawberry and I don’t have a favorite vegetable

rainbow what was the last line of the last book you read? I don’t remember

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far? My high school graduation

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you? Figuring out I’m a lesbian

shine; art or music? Music

shimmer; do animals tend to like you? Dogs yes

smitten; do you collect anything? Funko pops

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with? 2

snuggle; what is your favourite candy? Brigadeiro

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind? No

sparkle; do you wear jewelry? Earrings and sometimes a necklace

spooky; sunrise or sunset? Sunset

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones? I prefer without headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child? Wizards of Waverly Place

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house. My bedroom

soothe; digital or vinyl? Digital

squeezed; who do vou miss right now? My friends from uni

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends? The same I value in a romantic partner: loyalty and being fun

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing? Practical

sweet; do you find it easy to open up? It really depends on who I’m opening up to

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any? I love kids and I’d love to have some

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they? My mom

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself? That I try to see the positive side of things in every situation

tootsie; what kind of friend are you? I’d say the clumsy one

treasure; what was something that made you smile today? Seeing my favorite cousin

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl? Early bird

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be? Teleportation

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out? Doing stuff at home

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup? No

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person? Tidy

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older? I don’t dislike it, and yeah I’d live here when I get older

Thank you for sending this, wifey 💚