#but that’s a lose lose situation in terms of other anxiety areas but yeah

[gregmarriage]

having my ‘normal’ be constant dizzy spells and motion sickness and mobility issues that range from moderate to severe, and then being gaslighted into thinking that’s actually normal. like, everybody experiences that, when i know they don’t. because i’ve experienced having a normal body and after nearly four years with a non normal one, i’d like to say: this shit fucking sucks

[fan-gyaldump]

Erased Part 2

Bakugo x reader fanfic

…

Well this is awkward.

Hi hello I forgot I had tumblr and I am very much sorry for ditching this completely. I know it’s taken me 5 years to post part 2 but I have returned hehe.

Content warning: alcohol use

。。。。。。。。。

Y/n ran.

She ran.

So fucking fast.

Every step she took was now her body being controlled by autopilot, unaware of all the people staring at her in confusion, but right now all she needed to do was get Kaminari off her tail and hide. However outrunning a pro hero is a lot harder than she thought, yeah he was better than her in terms of cardio but what he couldn’t get away from were all his adoring and devoted fans. He tried his hardest to say a quick hello but his priorities were literally slipping away from him.

“Chargebolt can I get a picture!” A young boy shouted at him, standing right where he could block him for long enough so that Y/n could get away.

“Uhh sorry kid I’d really love to but there’s something that I really need to do right now.” He rushed, guilt taking over him as he brushed him off in a way he never usually would.

Kaminari swore to himself as he lost sight of Y/n, he just had her! There was no way one kid could have made him lose track of where she was that quickly. Regardless he ran around the block anyway to look for her.

Y/n had ended up swerving into a side road that was in the complete opposite direction of her house. Incredibly inconvenient for her on a number of levels, not to mention the fact that she had used her dinner as a form of defence. Well aren’t I a fucking idiot, she thought to herself. She looked around the area she had found herself in, it was a humble little neighbourhood, not too busy compared to the high street she was on but she knew for a fact she had gotten away from Kaminari. Once she had relaxed from her adrenaline rush, she turned around and made her way back home.

Her anxiety had never been this bad before. The sweatiness of her palms and rushed breathing only made her feel worse about the whole situation that had just happened. She was in the middle of processing it all in her head, the whole ordeal replaying in her head like a torturous loop, all because her pride was too big from letting anyone from her past to know anything about her. Especially her ex’s closest friend. Maybe it wasn’t even pride, it might also have been the fact that she was too ashamed to face any of them, seeing her like this would only mean that she had hit an all time low.

But it was expected, these are the consequences that follow you for the rest of your life when you join the league. She did this to herself.

You idiot

That’s all she could tell herself.

But at least now she had a good excuse to go back home and get blackout drunk. However, this did mean that she would have to try and find a way to steal the alcohol.

Y/n didn’t believe in stealing for superficial things like alcohol or anything materialistic, she considered it lower than low. She could understand if someone was in a crisis and had no other means of getting food or water, that was excusable, but alcohol? She knew she had a problem.

-

Uraraka had planned a dinner party with all of her fellow heroes and ex classmates at her house, the last bits of her preparations were now finished, all that was left was for the guests themselves to arrive.

As expected Todoroki and Deku came on time, Kirishima, Sero and Mina arriving a little bit after them, Jiro and Momo both arrived at the same time. Naturally they all brought drinks and snacks with them to contribute to the evening.

Bakugo pulled up to the driveway, he parked his car behind Mina’s and sat in his car for a while. He initially didn’t want to go and was going to cancel but he figured that it would be good for him to socialise a little. He fixed his hair in his mirror, grabbed his things from his car and made his way to Uraraka’s door until he heard his phone vibrate in his hand.

His secretary Lena had messaged him. Again?

“Sir please make sure you lock your office door before you clock out. Bozo :)”

He let out a sigh of exasperation, regretting the fact that he had hooked up with her ONCE during a work party. Sure he thought she was somewhat attractive but that’s only after a few drinks. Other than that, he wouldn’t even dream of doing it again.

He replied, of course his response was dry but he couldn’t be asked to engage in any type of conversation with her. He just wanted to have a nice evening with his friends without his regret messaging him during out of work hours. He silenced his phone, knocked on the door and went in to greet everyone

Kaminari paced around the front of the house for 15 minutes. Bakugo had told him that he was unsure if he was going to go so he had hoped that he had just stayed home. The whole y/n situation had left him in complete and utter shock. He nearly had her. He touched her and saw with his own eyes that she’s still alive. Every unanswered question that everyone had about her was answered that afternoon when he made a split decision to grab some water. This really was a moral conflict like no other, on one hand he wanted to say something but on the other hand he felt that it would be unfair to Uraraka to ruin a dinner that was meant to be for all of them to relax and enjoy. Guilt and confusion filled him to the brim. Enough time had passed and he decided to just suck it up and go in, he had finally made the decision to not say anything.

He knocked on the door, shamefully of course since he knew he was the last one there. Momo opened it and greeted him cheerfully. “Well you took your time!” She hugged him and let him in to the house.

“Well look who the fuck finally showed up!” Mina shouted, her voice giving away the fact that she was already a bit tipsy.

Everyone cheered for the latecomer, now they were all excited that it was a full house and the party could go on as planned. Kaminari smiled and greeted everyone until he saw Bakugo standing by the snacks, face stoic as usual.

Oh fuck, Kaminari thought. This was the last thing he wanted. Seeing Bakugo there just made him nervous all over again. Reminding him of his moral dilemma.

“Shots anyone?” He asked, holding up a large bottle of Sake.

-

Y/n brushed off the small shard of glass that was left on her hoodie after breaking the door of the liquor store, she felt awful for breaking and entering someone’s shop but alcohol was needed in her desperate time.

Naturally she went for the strong stuff and treated herself to flavoured soju that was on sale before leaving the store.

She had her face covered the whole time but she still became paranoid about whether or not she did a good job of clearing any evidence that could’ve been tied back to her breaking into the humble, little liquor store. Deep down she knew she’d get away with it, the league taught her more than enough to commit any rookie crime that they would always do. That included how to leave no evidence behind and ensure that you were absolutely not gonna get caught.

“You should’ve gone for the strawberry Soju but hey that’s just my opinion.” A sudden voice spoke from behind her.

Y/n jolted, dropping a bottle. The voice was so unexpected she didn’t know how to react. But of course she calmed down after she knew who was talking to her.

She huffed and turned around to meet her stalker “hello to you to Dabi.”

“Oh yeah, hello Y/n. Long time no see huh” he smiled, “you know normally you would’ve punched me for scaring you like that.”

“Dabi please” she said, defeat in her tone. “I really cannot be asked for any of this right now.”

Dabi laughed at her teasingly, their dynamic was always his favourite. He pisses her off, she gets angry and he relishes in it. A routine he had missed since she had left the league. “Long day huh? I don’t blame you. Chargebolt is hard to outrun right.”

Y/n groaned, she rubbed her face to try and hide her shame. “Oh for fucks sake Dabi.”

He laughed at her again, seeing her so angry always made him feel good for some reason. Maybe he was just more sadistic than he thought. Either way he found it funny every time.

“Even after 3 years of not seeing you, you still find ways to drive me up the fucking wall.” Now she was visibly annoyed, the memory of that afternoon kept replaying in her head, what made it worse is that now she knew Dabi had seen it all.

“Oh don’t act like you don’t like it.”

“I can’t stand it.”

“Yeah whatever” he dismissed her. “Didn’t know you were such a drinker Y/n. Damn that’s a lot for such a small girl.” He approached her, grabbing her bottle of Soju and examined the bottle. “But I guess you were out of options right?”

“Anything to not have to put up with you assholes any longer.” She snapped back at him, quickly grabbing her bottle from him. She turned on her heel swiftly and began walking towards her apartment again. The sight of Dabi pissed her off, unlike Kaminari. She actually had the balls to face him with all the hatred in the world.

“Awww you don’t mean thatttt” his voice somehow became more annoying and irritating for her. “We had such good times didn’t we? All the killing and robbing and scheming? You’re gonna break my heart y’know.”

“Fuck off.”

Dabi reached for her hood and pulled her back harshly. Making sure she was facing him. Y/n scoffed and slapped his hand away from her.

“Dabi! I promise you I will fucking kill you right now” she poked at his chest and stabbed him with her finger.

Dabi laughed, mocking her attempt at being intimidating, they both knew if it came down to it, he could easily kill her.

“Relax bitch. I’m not here for you to talk to me like that.” He pushed her by her shoulder, asserting his strength to her. Something that she was already well aware of. Especially since her drinking had made her more sluggish and less active. Subconsciously she knew that should wouldn’t actually be able to do anything to him. “I have a proposal for you. Shiguraki told me to go look for you cuz it’s something we figured you would be able to do.”

“Tell him to suck a dick. I’m not interested in whatever scummy shit you guys wanna do.” Y/n wanted nothing more than to just get away and go home but now she had to deal with yet another inconvenience.

“Tell him that yourself. He wants you back, only because you’re the only one who would actually benefit the rest of us if you did decide to help.” He began to rummage around his pocket, y/n watched him carefully.

He pulled out a scrap piece of paper and a burner phone. Holding it out in his hand for y/n to take. She looked at him confused, unsure of what exactly he needed.

“The numbers on the paper if you change your mind. Call it and we’ll know that you’re interested.”

Y/n turned her gaze to his, unamused and very VERY pissed off, what exactly did this guy not understand by the words “fuck off”? She crossed her arms, making no indication that she was going to take the phone. There was no way in hell that she was going to go back to that life again. She wanted nothing to do with it.

“I’m not interested so don’t bother.” She left again, this time her pace quickened as to make sure that he wouldn’t be able to grab her again.

Dabi stood there. He put the phone in his pocket and watched her walk away. Little did she know, he was certain that she was going to come back sooner or later.

-

The dinner party was going so well. Mina was drunk, Kirishima was drunk, Kaminari was tipsy and everyone else was either enjoying the entertainment that the drunk guests were giving them or they were catching up to them slowly.

“Man I missed you guys soooo much.” Mina wrapped her arms around Midoriya and Todoroki’s necks and pulled them in for a very uncomfortable group hug. They all laughed and hugged her back in an awkward way.

“We missed you too. But it’s a good thing we get to see eachother like this again!” Midoriya smiled, pulling himself out of her grasp and fixing his shirt collar.

Momo went around topping everyone’s glasses except for Bakugo’s since he had to drive back home. Of course he was going to be the only sober one.

“Mina cool it. You’re gonna end up puking in the sink like last time.” Kirishima teased her, slurring a little as he spoke.

“NUH UH” she yelled in defence. “That was only cuz you gave me that god awful tequila.” She stuck her tongue out in disgust as she remembered that awful time.

“Please do actually. I’ll be able to film it this time.” Bakugo replied. Smirking at how embarrassed she became.

“One time people! One time!” Mina yelled, her cheeks became red from the booze and the cringe she felt.

“I wonder how the others are doing y’know” Sero asked, rubbing his chin as he thought about his fellow classmates. “Like Koda, mineta, shinsou. All of those guys. Man I miss them.”

Everyone agreed, their distinct conversation now was focused on their friends from back in the day. But not one of them brought up y/n due to obvious reasons.

“I spoke to Iida yesterday. He’s still the same as ever.” Todoroki spoke up.

“Yeah! And Tokoyami is abroad right now on some international hero course training thingy” Mina also said in between hiccups.

“I bumped into Tsuyu today actually! We were both at the same shopping centre by complete coincidence.” Uraraka chirped

“Oh shit yeah I saw Y/n today actually!”

Everyone became quiet

Kaminari realised after two seconds what had just left his mouth. But it was too late, everyone had heard what he had just said. Including Bakugo.

No one said anything, they couldn’t. All they did was stand there with shocked expressions, what they had just heard was something none of them were ready for. Poor Kaminari was in the hot seat with no way of getting any of the attention off of him.

Bakugo couldn’t believe what he had heard. For a split second he lost all sense of reality and thought he had made up what just happened. “The fuck did you just say?” He asked quietly yet firmly, getting up from his seat to be right in front of Kaminari.

Kaminari froze, he stuttered and put his hands up in defence yet he still couldn’t bring himself to say anything coherent. The only thing that left his mouth were a bunch of I’s and umms.

“Denki what did you just say?” Midoriya knew what he said but he had to hear him say it again.

“You saw Y/n?” Bakugo asked, his voice becoming more stern.

“Well. No but, um. Hey is that French wine?” Kaminari tried to walk over to the kitchen counter to grab the bottle when suddenly Bakugo grabbed him by the collar and yanked him towards him.

“Dumbass don’t you FUCKING dare! You saw her didn’t you!? And you didn’t want to say anything?!” Bakugo was now extremely livid, shouting right in his face whilst the others tried to get him to calm down.

“Where was she?! What happened?! Tell me EVERYTHING right fucking now Denki or so help me God I will kick your teeth in right now!” Bakugo began gripping his collar tighter as he tried to squirm out of his grasp.

“Katsuki that’s enough!” Midoriya yelled, he finally managed to get him to let go. Bakugo panted, his eyes fixed on Kaminari’s stupid face. So much was happening at that moment, he didn’t care that he had dropped both his glass and Kaminari’s glass on the floor.

Kaminari really messed up now. He knew he had no other option but to tell them all everything that had happened earlier that day. He just wasn’t ready for how things were going to unfold now.

[venusjaynie]

steve harrington x fem!Byers!reader

summary : you and steve take The Party to the Christmas Market in town, but your claustrophobia and anxiety get the better of you. luckily, steve knows just how to help.

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"Hey, Steve, can we get hot chocolate?" You look down to see Will tugging on Steve's sweater sleeve, staring up at him with hopeful puppy-dog eyes. Steve, knowing he could never say no to any of the kids, nods his head and hands Will a $20 bill. The group of 6 run off to the hot chocolate stand up ahead, ignoring Steve calling 'Walk, don't run!' after them. You and Steve walk slowly past the stands and pop-up shops, looking into the various huts and sheds to see the options for potential Christmas gifts for the kids, and mama Joyce, and Hop. You turn to Steve when you see a particular stall.

"Stevie, look, it sells D'n'D... stuff." You don't know the specific term for items and clothing to do with the game, but you're enthusiastic none the less.

"Hey, you're right, we should go in and take a look. See if anything might pique the interest of the kids?" Steve replies. You enter the shop and take a browse at the merchandise, the various shirts and figurines, but truthfully neither you nor Steve have a clue as to what any of the kids may want. You pick up a couple of different things but end up putting them back down after looking at the price of them. Steve seems to be doing the same.

"Who the hell would pay 45 bucks for a pair of socks with a dragon thing on them?" He says to you, rather loudly, causing you to burst out in a fit of giggles.

"Steve! Shh, the seller might hear you!" You whisper through your laughter, but Steve pays no mind and continues to complain. You can see the stall owner looking at the pair of you and your laughter slows down.

"Shut up, he's looking at us." The seriousness in your voice makes Steve pipe down, and he looks down at you with a level of concern, but you pay no mind and continue looking at the little knick-knacks among other things.

After a while of aimlessly walking around, and realising you know surprisingly little about your younger brother and what he may like for Christmas, you come to realise how crowded the small space has become, and you know you need to get out of there and get some fresh air before your claustrophobia gets the better of you. Glancing over to Steve, you motion to the door with your head, and he follows in suit. You quietly thank you shop owner as you leave the little hut, and you don't even look behind to see if Steve is following you, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Steve has to run a little to catch up with you because you walked off so fast, and he's beginning to get worried. He knows that if he mentions if, though, you'll just get embarrassed so he leaves the situation be until you're ready to bring it up. As he walks beside you he can see you shaking your hands and subtly trying to take deep breaths, seemingly to calm yourself down, but he doesn't say anything. He decides to try and distract you instead, knowing that often helps when you get anxious.

"Sweetheart, we gotta find the kids. It's almost 6 so they'll probably be getting hungry right about now, right?" He looks down at you, waiting for a response but you don't seem to be all too focused on what he's saying. "Babe? You alright?" He taps you lightly on the arm, which seems to get your attention.

"Hm? What did you say?" You reply, not making eye contact with him. Your eyes flit around, and you look almost apprehensive.

"I asked if you think we should find the kids and go grab bite to eat?" Steve speaks so softly to you, and you have to admit that it helps ease your nerves slightly. His voice is just so comforting.

"Oh, uh, yeah I think we should." He nods and starts walking, making sure you're beside him. He wouldn't want to lose you.

As you walk, you look around and take in the mass of people in the area. There's so many. Everywhere. Everything feels like it's closing in on you and you can't breathe. You try to stay calm so as to not worry Steve, however, that plan seems to fall flat when a very loud woman bumps right into you, and your whole world basically caves in.

Tears start to form in your eyes but you're determined not to let them fall, because you're in public and don't want to embarrass yourself. Steve notices, of course he does, it's Steve. Without a word, he slips his hand into yours and rubs little, soothing circles into the back of your hand. It's sweet, and it's helping you focus on something other than voices and people and crowds. You don't notice it at first, but Steve seems to be taking oddly deep breaths, and you subconsciously try to match his.

Slowly but surely, you're able to breathe at a normal pace again, and just in time too. You hadn't realised that Steve must have spotted the kids and they'd made their way over. Will is watching you carefully, so you and Steve slips his hand out of yours, only to slink his arm around your waist.

"You alright?" He says it quietly. You can only nod and give him a weary smile.

"Can we get food now? Pleeeease?" You hear a little voice, and you can't tell whether the kid's just quiet or your mind is still too foggy to hear properly. You look down and it's El who's asking you, and before you even have a chance to try to collect yourself and respond, Steve answers her instead.

"Sure thing, kiddo. What are you hungry for?" He starts walking, and you fall into step with him, while The Party decide what they want to eat amongst themselves.

"Steve? Can we get tacos and eat them at your place?" Steve rolls his eyes at Dustin's request, but you know he doesn't mind.

The kids walk a few paces ahead of the two of you, and your grateful for the space, even though you love them.

"You sure you're okay?" You hear Steve and you're suddenly very aware of how close the two of you are. You're practically magnetised to him, not that you mind. Steve doesn't seem to mind either.

"Yeah, really, I'm alright. There's just a lot of people here, and lots of noise." He doesn't speak, but nods in understanding, while somehow pulling you in further to kiss your temple. You can hear him murmur something under his breath, but you don't quite catch what he says.

"What?"

"I love you." No matter how many times he says it, you'll never get used to the fluttery feeling you get in your stomach when the words leave his mouth.

"I love you too, Stevie." He captures you're lips with a kiss, before he pulls away at the sound of the kids teasing and calling at him.

"Ew Steven! Stop kissing my sister!"

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this has been in my wips for too long so i just needed to get it out there !!

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Safe And Sound? More Like Safe And Bred.

Masterlist

Warnings: Adult situations 18+ Smut, Attempted Rape, Breeding kink, swearing, A/B/O and all the posessive bs that goes with it 👍

A/n This was intended to be darker but sort of changed as I was writing? Yeah I'm very happy with it tho considering its my first A/B/O. As always enjoy😘

Clark has been driven wild by an omega's scent.

Safe And Sound? More Like Safe And Bred

There it was again. That fucking scent. Clark groaned and took a deep breath in unconsciously ,smelling it, tasting the air on his tongue, wanting to lap up the delicious scent. It tasted like maple syrup yet smelt completely different fresh and succulent like cool spring air. Young and new. Ripe. He shuddered at the thought. It was driving him wild like no other, normally he could block them out but not this one No,six weeks .Six. Fucking. Weeks he had been teased by it coming into the daily planet.

There was an omega here somewhere, he almost felt jealous of the others weaker senses, they had caught faint whiffs of it asking Perry about it who told them none to polity to 'back off' and that it shouldn't cause a problem due to where they was stationed no one should be able to smell them up here. But Clark did. He had to endure it constantly day in day out. The scent was always worse in the lobby where everyone entered the building. Each morning he came in scanning the people around him looking for a new face, more desperate each day to find the omega.

After enduring the scent for so long he was determined to find the culprit. To find his omega. He swore at that ,they wasn't his, he couldn't allow it.. . He couldn't claim them. Afraid of hurting them, it was true that alphas couldn't bare the thought of hurting an omega, actually against the law to cause any harm emotional or otherwise to an omega. It'd be to easy for him to accidentally harm them, one slip of concentration and that could be it.

So he had resigned himself to never claim one, tho he couldn't help his instincts that screamed for him to find them. To mount and breed them. so he still found himself searching the lobby everyday as he came and went. Sighing as he walked to the elevator not finding them once again disappointment ran through him he shook his head taking one last gulp of air trying to capture the scent he stepped in the elevator.

Just as he went to close the doors he smelt them. He saw her. Other alphas were sniffing around her as she walked past them through the lobby head down watching her feet as she scurried quickly across the space heading for a door that he knew lead to the mail room below she faltered quickly bringing her head up scanning the crowd before catching him looking at her. She gulped as she locked eyes on him then all but flung herself past the door out of sight. The doors closed but he stood frozen. She had seen him.

His chest swelled. His omega had looked at him. She wanted him, her alpha. For a second he stood shocked then quickly threw himself at the buttons smashing the open door button willing it to open and let him go and find her, alas it was to late he was already scaling the building to his floor. He took a breath closing his eyes picturing her She was gorgeous, around average height dark auburn nearly brown hair piled atop her hair in a messy bun she was slim. But not to slim and had and hourglass shape wide hips. Meant for breeding. Fuck. And her eyes a dark hazel freckles dusting her face. He clenched his hand around the briefcase he held, as images of mating her, knotting her took hold he grunted hearing a crunch as the hard plastic handle gave under the pressure.

He swore. No he couldn't risk it risk her. The doors opened revealing the office he panted a few breaths trying to compose himself he walked through the office to his desk dropping into his seat running his palms across his face smoothing his hair back before dropping them by his sides.

Lois approached him warily seeing him tensed and almost flighty. If she didn't know any better she'd have said he was entering a rut, but she wasn't going to suggest that to him. Hell no. Alphas became aggressive if another alpha brought it up. And she definitely didn't want to deal with a triggered alpha in the office. Especially him of all people. However he had let slip a week or so ago that the omega in the building had riled him, that he couldn't block it out like the others.

Fuck. His blood was burning in his veins, his reaction was unlike any other. It was instant and he knew somewhere deep down that he would not be concentrating today.

"Hey Clark you ok there?" he grunted then forced a smile kicking his briefcase under the desk. Out of sight out of mind. was the term that came to mind.

"Yes I'm fine" she didn't look convinced.

"Riiiight and who are you trying to convince me or you? if that omega downstairs is causing you problems you should talk to someone, she shouldn't even be here working if shes unmated" Clark growled at her. Of course Lois was right in a sense. It wasn't law that omegas couldn't work however as a general rule they didn't or if they did it was a part time job close to home and normally along side their alphas. Most were claimed by the time they left college alphas would claim an omega in the first or second heat that happened around 17-20 years old, it was very rare to have an unmated omega in the work force but companies couldn't discriminate. Lois took a step back at the warning, Clark squared his shoulders the thought of his omega leaving agitated him.

"And what would I say? I can scent her from nearly 11 stories up? how would I explain that exactly?" he growled the words through grit teeth not liking where this was going. It took a great amount of control not to flash his eyes at the alpha female in front of him. She backed up unconsciously but continued.

"Well its obviously effecting you, look at yourself ,you've been getting worked up since she got here. If shes your one claim her and get it over with. but don't sit there stewing over it. Do something about it or I will" she snapped back. He could hear what she was really getting at, she was hurt occasionally two alphas could find a way to be together but this didn't happen in there case and she was jealous of the omega and wanted her gone and would make it happen herself if need be. Clark was on his feet in front of her before she could register it bending down getting in her face. And snarled low and dangerous, what ever courage Lois had fled as he glared at her menacingly.

"Don't .You. Ever. Threaten. Her. Again." she shook at the dark look in his eyes stepping back a few steps. frightened. 'as she should be' Clark thought his instincts in over drive feeling as if he had done his omega proud ,scaring off what he precieved as a threat.

"What the hell is going on?" Perry called as he watched a pale Lois take her seat not looking at anyone

"Nothing its dealt with Perry." she said bitterly tho Clark couldn't tell if it was because she had backed off her instincts acknowledging him as a true alpha or if it was that he had defended another woman.

"It better be" he warned eyeing them both before heading to his office Clark sat back down before starting up his computer to begin his work. he stopped after about ten minutes as there was a spike in his omega's scent.. she was going into heat he got up fast, to fast he hoped no one had seen him he looked at the elevator swallowing dryly. Lois raised her head instantly worried forgetting her frustration for a moment more concerned about him.

"C-Clark?" he looked at her and she froze as his pupils grew until there was a slim ring of blue around them. She took a deep breath picking up on the signs. Quickly she got up and went to him. whispering

"Whats going on are you- is she ok?" he tore his eyes from her to the elevator.

"Shes-heat" he swallowed taking a deep breath trying again

"Shes going into heat downstairs, fuck" Lois looked confused

"What but surely she'd know and not come in? it must have caught her off guard-wait what did you do?"

"We- I saw her, she saw me... that couldn't have triggered it could it?" he asked uncertain scanning the other alphas in the room they hadn't noticed, not that he thought they could detect her from here. Lois gaped at him sometimes she forgot that they didn't necessarily teach everything about omegas in all schools, especially to alphas, in traditional communities alphas were just taught about their own anatomy next to nothing about omegas ,hell in some areas where most were betas nothing was taught at all forcing everything to happen naturally on instinct.

"Of course it can! if she isn't on suppressants hell some can't even take them! meeting her alpha could cause an instant heat ,fuck sake, you need to go get her, if she leaves now she could be hurt or worse go I will cover you just go now!" Lois growled at him, the thought of an omega in heat trying to navigate the city alone made her insides churn. He leaned over to retrieve his case but she spun him pushing him to the elevators.

"Leave that I will sort it just go!"

Mean while you was down stairs panicking. You'd found him. Your one true alpha. After years of denying all others waiting out your heats holed up in your apartment praying that you'd find your true alpha and not be caught by another and lose the chance at having your soul mate. You had tried suppressants over the years but they hadn't worked, sometimes when an omegas true alpha was to potent the suppressants didn't work they only muted the the symptoms slightly and ended up not being worth the side effects , nausea ,headaches ,bouts of depression and anxiety then the back pain that was caused by your body trying to counteract the cramps redirecting the spasms.

This was the case for you it wasn't worth it basically exchanging excruciating the internal cramps for crippling back pain, it was dangerous, with cramps you could push through it still move and run if you needed to ,but the back pain made you immobile. You took deep breaths once you reached your office. Sitting down unsteady on your feet.

He was magnificent tall broad dark hair and bright eyes tho at the distance you couldn't define the color, you tried to imagine his face with forest green or a deep azure irises. You gasped feeling yourself heating up. You'd been picking up on his scent since you arrived. It was different. Very strange normally scents had one or two underlying tones his was a mix of many all intertwining in to one deep clean airy scent. You panted cringing as you began to sweat lightly.

Fuck. This wasn't good. You couldn't drop now. Not when you'd seen him. That was probably the cause. You whined taking off you jumper revealing the short sleeved blouse underneath letting the air around you picking up the folder on your desk fanning yourself debating what you should do, you could try to slip out and get home there wasn't to many alpha's here you had done your research before applying there was forty most were on the top floors, but that was still forty alphas that would smell you as you tried to leave and then you'd have to navigate through the city home avoiding all others. you sighed knowing you had to make the decision fast. swearing loudly you picked up the phone calling your manager.

"Hi its y/n in the mailing department.. I'm sorry I have to leave now preferably....I've- my heat has come early and I cant stay-I'm sorry I don't know what to do" you lean over the desk crying softly thinking that you'd just lost the only job anyone had offered you. This was cut short as she replied understanding you, being an alpha with an omega daughter she knew what it was like you huffed in relief as she calmed you down reassuring you that it was fine she instructed you to stay where you was until she called you an uber to be safe and take all the time you needed, you nodded thanking her before hanging up.

Quickly you gathered your things and waited, she phoned back quickly informing you that the uber was outside waiting you just had to tell him the destination and the company was paying for it as this classed as 'emergency travel'. You thanked her again and headed out of the office scaling the stairs to the lobby scuttling out as fast as you could aiming to head home as quick as you could before you got any worse. You felt the stares you noted the few alphas scattered about taking deep drags of air into themselves, drinking in your scent before slowly heading in your direction. You whimpered as you raced through he main doors nearly staggering as you made your way down the road as you flushed hot and needy. Jumping into the uber telling the driver your address as he pulled out into the street. He looked at you threw the rare view mirror.

"You ok back there? you want me to call someone?... your alpha?" he asked innocently enough. You just leaned forward cupping your tummy as the first pulses began in your abdomen muscles twitching beginning the first twinges of pain, you cried out panicked, it was never this fast, a normal heat took at least 24hours to sink in and reach this point.

"No! no no I'm fine just drive!!" he grinned at your response but not that you saw from your almost fetal position in the back, he continued as he pulled off the main road cutting down a residential street as a short cut

"Ok are you sure? is your alpha aware of this? does he hurt you is that why you don't want to call him?" he pried by this point alarm bells would usually start but in your desperate state you didn't click you just shook your head

"no-don't have one just please hurry!!" he grinned doing a u turn at the T junction going left back towards the city. You groaned with your head between your knees crying as the pain came crashing over like waves. Flooding your system then draining away before returning ,gasping deep gulps of air so wrapped up in trying to halt your heat you didn't realize the type of danger you were in.

"H-how much longer?" you didn't register the car stopping he chuckled.

"Not long darling" your eyes snapped open freezing at the tone managing to prop yourself up wincing through the pain as you noticed you'd stopped moving. Dread filled when you saw you were still down town. Even with the traffic you should have been out in the residential area. Your apartment was only a 25 minute walk so should have been about a five to ten minute drive instead you was in the city center all be it parked In some sort of loading bay tucked behind some tall office buildings you didn't recognize. You gulped at the look on his face. Slowly reaching for the handle of the door only for it to be locked. You shivered.

"Wh-what are you doing?" he unclipped his seat belt

"I'm gonna take care of you, a pretty omega like you shouldn't be going through heats alone... You should have an alpha to help you... You will~ just relax this will be over soon" he said before squeezing himself between the front seats making to grab you.

You twisted screaming as loud as you could. Lifting your bag striking him as hard as you could, which wasn't that hard as your energy had been sapped away by your rapid heat. he held you firm digging his fingers into your wrist untill the bag dropped to the footwell, pushing your shoulders against the door you screamed again agonizing

"NOOO HELP SOMEONE HELP ME!" clawing at him scratching his face he swore as your nail scratched across his eye.

"YOU LITTLE BITCH!" he screamed you cowered at his anger he pulled back his hand slapping you hard across the face you grunted as your head smacked into the metal seat belt clip half way up the back seat.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CUNT!" you kneed, twisted ,clawed and bit anything you could think of to get him off of you ,he overpowered you grabbing your head smashing it against the inner door panel, your vision went fuzzy at how hard your head had bounced off of it. weeping weakly kicking out despite all hope of escape was fading fast as the male tore open your blouse buttons scattering across the back seat and foot well.

"NOO NONO PLEASE!"you sobbed as you resigned yourself to being another statistic. Then the door behind your head was ripped clean off you car you yelped cringing as you heard the metal twist and tear just beside your head tumbling out of the car, being caught before touching the asphalt and sat on the roof of the car so quick it made you dizzy before you could even glance at who had saved you. You heard the screams of your would be rapist shouting panicked as he was dragged violently out of the car.

Crying you moved to cover yourself tugging the shirt around yourself looking forward you saw superman clutching the alphas neck hoisting up to his eye level eyes flashing a dangerous red, hinting to the power simmering just below the surface shoulders heaving with every breath and his jaw clenched boiling anger was written across his stance. The alpha pleaded with him. The kryptonian glanced at you before snarling in the other alphas face low and terrifying. you held your breath something was wrong.

"MINE!" was all the man of steel managed as he panted heavy , you saw the tremble in his arm as he tried holding back but still squeezed tighter on the throat he held causing the alpha to gasp and wheeze begging pleading much like you had been not two minutes ago. You gasped not entirely sure you heard him correctly but you was sure that you didn't want to be around either of them in this state.

You placed your hands on the metal below you sliding backwards making the decision to leave your bag that stuff could be replaced. Keeping both of them in your sight, gasping quietly as you dropped to your feet , buckling as another cramp clutched a your insides. You had to move get away you couldn't let either male near you, not when you'd just found your mate, when you was so close.

In your state of panic you forgot one of the most important things every omega should know. If your caught by an alpha in the middle of a heat Do. Not. Run an alpha that wants to pursue you, will chase, they relished in it the hunt. That's why there is so much emphasis on mateing young, once you are claimed alphas are less drawn to you and your heat cant do this whole surprise pop up act. Those who tried to hold out for their mates are usually picked off before their thirties, claimed forcefully and trapped in a unhappy pairings you never thought it'd be you.

You moved slow at first backing away from the car then as you made your way further from them once you got a good twenty feet you turned and ran down a small one way road leading in the direction of home. You hoped. Your footsteps caught Superman's attention snapping his head up dropping the male

"NOO! COME BACK!" he shouted making you more frightened speeding up, he sounded angry. He shot up instantly hovered above the small building before spying you diving down landing in front of you as you as you had reached a main street onlookers stopped as they saw him land hard on the ground, he crouched the asphalt below him cracking under the force he'd used. You skidded to a stop nearly running into him you screamed backing up as he moved to grab you his eyes. They were burning literally glowing seconds away from igniting your flesh.

"I-I No please I don't-" you tried speaking cutting yourself off as another cramp took hold you cried out curling grasping your stomach. He took the opportunity to quickly scoop you up taking off so fast the air was sucked from your lungs you couldnt breath instead puffing out desperate tiny breaths. He headed straight for home. You groaned weakly at him trying desperatly to breath, tapping him as you managed sharp breaths when you could smelling him, he smelt familiar and unique almost like your mate but not quite the same.

Before you knew it you was in an unfamilliar apartment gasping deep breaths trying to ease your burning lungs. Whimpering as a wave after wave of your mates scent hit you causing your body the begin preparing itself for him as you soaked your panties through at an alarming rate. You was deposited on a large bed confused uncomfortably wet and in pain as you curled on your side in the covers pressing your face into the cotton taking deep breaths. You heard footsteps leave your side moving around beyond the door.

He was building you a nest in his den, he was here helping you, you crawled towards him as he smoothed out the blanket to curl around you grabbing him trying to pull him up onto the bed with you. You whimpered as he pulled back standing to look at the nest wanting it to be perfect. In your heat addled mind you took it as a rejection when he moved out of your grasp.

"A-Alpha?" you called out looking for him, he was here he had to be here you needed him, this was his den, but where was he. You looked around trying to find him. Then you hear Superman return, well you thought it was Superman maybe you was so far gone you'd been hallucinating, you was sure the man of steel had brought you here, but it wasn't him who returned you looked at the door ecstatic as you spied your mate with arms full of pillows and a few blankets mumbling to himself about a nest, felt a burst of excitement as he placed the cushions and blankets around you.

"I-its ok, I'm here, I've found you omega, mine ,my omega" you looked up at the male before you tucking your nose into the crook of his neck breathing deep wanting to take him in as much as you could it was him. Yes. You've made it. you cried happy tears streaming down your face as you finally had him, Your one. Your soul mate. Years spent searching hoping, terrified that he'd given up hope and claimed another. But the years of loneliness and fear was worth it for this one moment.

"N-no! alpha come back" your voice was small but sincere, he quickly saw his mistake and climbed up with you letting you grab and pull at him.

"Wh-how? you was-" he climbed over you cageing you nuzzling your neck doing the same to you that you had done to him only he was not crying, he was growling deep in his chest, that you had only just noticed was uncovered he was bare as the day he was born.

"Later...Cant" he mumbled kissing at your neck quickly licking and nipping succumbing to his need to bury himself inside of you as soon as possible. You whined as he pulled the blankets around you creating a tighter cocoon. His instincts were all over the place wanting to mount and knot you and calm and cuddle you . It was hard for him to concentrate as he smelt your body prepare for him. Turning you looked at him your lips parted as you huffed becoming impossibly hot ,sweat forming on your brow your clothes constricting and sticky as you lifted a shaky hand to his cheek.

"Blue... I didn't see them earlier, there beautiful." he almost purred closing his eyes as you ran your hand up to his curled hair. His nostrils flaring ducking down to you kissing you groaning at the taste of your tongue he moved over you, desperate pressing you into the matress holding your waist sliding you up the bed wrestling with your clothes growling before opting to rip them of not patient enough to remove them with out damaging them. You whined at him making him stop inspecting you for injury , when he determined you was unharmed just vocal he continued moving down your body kissing and suckling marks onto you wanting to devour your slick as he smelt how wet you had become for him.

He tossed your legs over his shoulders breathing deep closing his eyes collecting him self 'slow and steady don't hurt her' he thought to himself then leaned forward sucking obscenely on your wet folds dipping his tongue between them. you screamed as he met your hot sensitive skin groaning into you gripping your hips forcing you to remain still and endure him as he worked on finding you bud then flicking quickly up and down then rolling it around sucking it between his teeth applying a gentle pressure.

You cried and shouted as he continued he looked up at you watching you try to twist and turn your breasts bouncing with every jerky movement and heaving breath. He groaned again imagining just how perfect they would look tight and full ready to feed his pups. He pulled back with long licks from back to front collecting as much slick as he could as he went. You panted teary eyed as he crawled above you. He grunted eyeing your neck then maintained eye contact snarling when you didn't immediately look away.

Your pussy wept below you at the sight. He was posturing. Waiting for you to present to him, for you to acknowledge him as your alpha. You tilted your head looking away eagerly willing your body to relax below him he keened low running his nose across your throat then latching onto it biting locking his jaw tightly, not enough for the final bite but he held you there tonguing your neck releasing then moving down biting repeating the same process searching for the least sensitive spot to deliver his bite.

Once he found a spot that didn't cause a large reaction or was on the artery he sucked a dark mark , pinpointing it for later once he was satisfied he released your neck with a parting kiss many would look for the most sensitive but he was worried about truly harming you.

He grabbed your shoulder rolling you on your front heaving up your hips presenting you to him your shoulders landing on the extra pillows and blankets he got for you taking your weight. He gasped leaning back to take a moment to calm himself, he would not risk killing you accidentally because he rushed, admittedly he was also enjoying the view, way your scent permeated the air leaving him feeling hazy almost drunk. You mewled lost in your heat impatient for him to claim you in the most sinful and depraved of ways. You rocked to and fro clenching your pussy for him then spread your knees so he could see. You heard him grunt then decided to push further.

"AAHH! FUCK" you yelped as he stretched you taught around him the resistance you put up against him was intoxicating as he moved steady not letting up as he was pushing deeper and deeper feeding himself into you. You tried to raise onto your hands but a swift hand caught you by the scruff pressing down with a snarl.

As ready as your slick had made you, you was still smaller than him he noted as he was poised at your opening, twitching and puffy from his earlier exploration, he could feel the heat radiating form you. As you tried to rock back feeing his cock just there he pulled you back onto him.

"No you will stay In position presenting" he grunted you whimpered in response as he held you there firm. Finally he grunted low quickly thrusting the last inch or so into you thighs pressed against your bottom tensing. You panted clawing at the pillows surrounding you is was nearly to much as he held still flexing making you jump and flutter around him.

"P-pleeeas alpha I cant wait please" your words were pitiful and breathy arching your back pushing your ass high and curling your toes. His breathing hitched un able to hold back he rose to his knees digging his tumbs into the back of your pelvis gripping tight designed to hold you still, to force you to take all of him weather you wanted to or not. You'd forfited that choice with your presented to him earlier. You was his and he wanted you to know that ,slowly falling prey to his most basic of primal needs. Mount. Fuck. Knot. Breed. There was no thoughts beyond these four goals. He held steady nudging your opening with his cock, hard and only just beading with precum, he had fought to hold back his need for release refuseing to waste a drop, but now it seemed he may need it.

"Good girl....soo good ... your such a good omega.....are you ready to be bred?" tears fell at the feeling of being so stuffed, you wasn't sure just how you were going to take his knot if this was him before that, it was uncomfortable pressed so deep it was bordering pain, a dull ache but your cramps were gone as if his skin alone had soothed your insides and that you was thankful for.

"ugh such a good female.... gonna fuck you full" he tilted his head back abdomen quivering and twitching with need he was trying to hold back, be gentle he had heard the whimpers as he opened you up for the first time, noting that you wasn't a virgin, tho many omegas now day's had toy's to replicate alpha couplings. He snarled pulling back a little then rocking into you the idea of anything other than himself inside you irked him, no more. He would dispose of yours at the first opportunity. You'd never resort to using a toy again. A rubber substitute, no he wouldn't allow it. You would come to him for relief or you'd suffer. Those were your options now.

"YES... fuck yes THATS IT...I'm your alpha now...no one else.... I'll kill them" he grunted teasing you with his cock you screeched as he growled and grunted using his hands to hold you still as he drove into you over and over, pulling out further each time, you was floating or was it drowning you couldn't tell, all you knew was that you hated the way you felt empty as he left you, your pussy was clamping and pulling at him, fighting to keep him sheathed inside you. You groaned cried and squealed unable to stop as his moans egged you on.

"aH! FUCKfuckfuck alPHAAA!" you shook your head rubbing your face into his heady scent your head swimming in it as it seeped through the blankets. You tried to fight his hold as he teased you with shallow thrusts making your pussy protest resulting in a loud sharp spank and you widened your legs for him.

"You ok baby?" he asked as you shook beneath him gasping, trying to calm your breathing you tried to turn to look at him hissing as it pulled on his knot

You cried panicked trying to wiggle from under him desperate to escape the painful stretch he quickly acted on auto pilot latching onto the mark he left on your neck biting breaking the skin, holding you still with a growl as he claimed you with his scent permanently. You cried tensing not sure if the pain was to much or not enough. He finallly released your neck tucking a hand below where you joined rubbing your hard bud forcing you to clench painfully around the knot that was cruley holding you in place spreading your lips apart revealing your clit to his wandering fingers as you was warpped tight around him ,you tried to drag yourself forward off of him tugging at your joining to no avail he was slow and frim with his teasing finger tips.

Quickly you found your abdoman spasming and you screeched as he tore your second orgasm from you, this time as you squirted nothing left you hitting his knot and returning back up into you the force of it sending ripples of pleasure against all of your nerves your walls massaged him from root to tip as a result making him finally release into you feeling him pulse and twitch as his hot load hit you hard and deep some had definatly make it past your cervix you summarised the only coherent through in the lusty haze that was now slowly lifting from you, he held still as he continued to pour into you, the overwhelming urge to breed you was to much as he rocked once ,twice slowly using his knot the amplify the pleasure.

You whimpered staying as still as you could panting completly washed out and wrecked. He looked down smug not taking his eyes of of where you were joined his knot was large, he was impressed at how well you took him. A slight panic, he'll admit but you had stayed still enough for him to fully mate you And nothing was escaping which boded well for breeding.

"Ah ah ah stay still... that's it stay still... good girl" he reassured knowing full well that you could be like this for a few more minutes maybe ten minutes or so, for him specifically he wasnt sure. Selfishly he wanted to remain there as long as possible but thought it'd be better for you if he wasnt attached to long.

"yes ...that's it omega open up for me... let me in" he chuckled slamming into you making your bones rattle keening with the force as he did it over again becoming desperate to bury himself inside deeper. You cried out as he dragged his hand from your neck leaning over you as he plowed you into an orgasm. You let out what was at first a silent scream as you clamped around him making him hiss you leaked over him cumming drenching his thighs with slick as he grunted holding still tightly pressing into you his knot forming in an instant stretching you until you yelped in pain trying to break free. No. It hurt. As he was pressing painfully deep almost pressing into your cervix opening.

"Are you ok? we could be like this for a while baby.. you have enough pillows"

"It's sore" you mumbled quietly unable to stop pulling forward it was only natural to try and avoid the pain he felt guilty but knew it was unavoidable.

"I know baby but your doing so well... soo good and just think with any luck we will have pups on the way! doesnt that sound nice baby. You can make a better nest, more suitable for pups." you clenched at his words the idea of pups making you perk up

"Pups?" you asked excited he laughed rubbing your back soothingly noticing how hot you was.

"Oh yes I'm going to breed you during this heat, that is if I haven't took root already" he said rolling his hip lightly making his point you groan again. He noted the sweat rolling down your sides. Debating on what to do, he knew he could help easily but was a little apprehensive. Finally he decided he would do it, your his mate now, bound to him permanently.

"Baby? are you hot?" you nodded

"Yeah and sticky..... I want a cold shower... can I have one when I'm free?" he frowned that would mean you standing up.... he would leak from you.... No. He shook his head

"No you may not, you will lie on your back once free.. I want you full." he said you pouted a little feeling scolded whimpering before you flinched as he blew a cool gust of air onto you. It was cold... Much colder than should have been possible.. And it wasn't to do with how heated your skin was. Clark continued blowing cooling your skin until it was no longer red. He felt himself finally softening once he was sure he could remove himself without any pulling he did sliding back quickly flipping you to your back pulling the pillows below your waist . You laid back wide eyed.. It took him seconds.. Literally seconds to pull out and re-position you... He moved you one handed...WHAT THE FUCK? you squeaked

"Wh-how did you do that? you really are? but your scent i-it was different you wasn't!" you were so confused. He looked down guilty stroking you slowly unable to keep for touching you now that you were bpnded ,he loved how you carried his scent, it was lingering just beneath yours coiling around it.

"I'm sorry, my suit it....changes my scent... I'm not sure why, it may be because its not made here on earth... " you paled as he explained you knew. Your mate was superman. The man of steel. You gasped bringing your hands to your face as you cried

"YOUR AN ASS! do you know how FUCKING SCARED I WAS!" you shouted moving to get up. He was faster pinning you down pushing into your neck.

"I thought you was going to burn me! Kill me!" You wailed into your palms.

"sshh sshh its ok now.. I'm sorry ...I'm so sorry I never intended to scare you, I was just scared...I tried to follow you but you already left....... Then I went looking for you ..... I heard screaming not want sure if it was you, I was so glad as I got closer and smelt you then I saw him..I had intended to just take you home..But seeing you there I knew I had no choice...I had to claim you to keep you safe... I was so close to killing him, I wanted to...You stopped me, if you hadnt run I would have ripped him limb from limb... All I knew in that moment was that I couldnt bare seeing you run from me.. I had to catch you." you settled down as he kissed your mark explaining between small pecks and licks then laid curling at you side. Pulling your hands away.

"I-if I'd known it was you I wouldnt have run from you I would have run to you" you explaind cupping his face lightly he leaned forward kissing him.

"But I cant call you superman or alpha all the time" you smirked he chuckled sliding higher around you leaning over you on his elbow.

"Clark kent" he offered with a kiss

"y/n y/l/n" he smiled before kissing deeply again you were interupted by a loud bannging form somwhere deeper in the apart ment he held out a hand

"Stay I want to give us the best chance for pups" he called out as he grabbed some boxers sliding them up as he walked to the front door opeing it revealing Lois holding out his damaged breifcase she scrunched her nose as the heady smell of there coupling hit her.

"Here I Covered for you, Perry thinks this morning was because your omega was going into heat and you didnt touch her and I told you to leave and 'be an alpha for once' in the end you took my advice and mated her... you have the week off for her heat." she explained then cleared her throat nodding behind him he growled when he spotted you up by the door peeping he pointed back to where you came growling.

"Back in your nest!" you scuttled back into the room with a squeak diving back into your nest of blankets. Placing your hips back on the raised pillows. Lois giggled.

"Don't be too hard on her she probably heard me and panicked... any way I'm off and try to be gentle with her she looks ....small" he nodded closing the door as she turned to leave. He padded into the bedroom spoting you tugging the blankets around you adjusting then readjusting them pouting. He smiled tugging it from you smoothing it around your hips.

"That was lois.. Shes and alpha and a friend nothing to worry about.." you nodded to him as he tucked himself around you again making you rest your head on his chest as he reached down cupping your tummy running his thumb acros the skin below your belly button

"Sleep baby it wont long before I'll mount you again" you blushed at his words but tried to relax anyway letting your mind drift as he wandering fingers pushed you into a deep satisfied slumber.

Taglist @havenoffandoms

[reyeslonestar]

Question what are some things you wanna see in season 3 of lone star? Character development, plots, anything

I want to see Tonya Kong write every episode. that's all. thanks for asking!

-

sadfkja I joke, I do have other ideas, but that is definitely high on my wish list! i'm gonna go through by character and talk about what I'd like to see for them, so this is gonna get quite long whoops...

the main thing that I'd like to see overall, though, would be evidence of an overarching season plan or arc - it doesnt necessarily have to be a plot that stretches through all the episodes or anything major, but I'd love them to have plotted out the season before they start. from watching this season and then reading interviews after the finale, they dont appear to plan many things from the start and end up throwing in ideas as they go along. if they plan it from the start they can foresee how theyre going to affect character development more, and they can have a bit more balance in the types of episodes they have, so that the season is less insane and more naturally ebb-and-flow with a few light episodes to break up the drama.

okay, onto the characters! just going to do this in billing order for simplicity's sake. customary reminder that these are just my own opinions and thoughts, and this is more of a wish list than a realistic expectation.

if you want to search for a specific character, ctrl F for one of these terms including the dash at the start:

-Owen

-Tommy

-TK

-Grace

-Judd

-Marjan

-Paul

-Carlos

-Mateo

-Nancy

press “j” to skip the whole post.

-Owen

okay so I'd love to see them actually develop his character. Owen has been given a lot of backstory with lots to play with development-wise, but to me it feels like the show never goes anywhere with it. he's got a lot going on what with 9/11, feeling responsible for the fates of his fellow firefighters, the codependence of his relationships etc. I'd like to see him go to therapy and see him grow some self awareness and seek to manage himself better, rather than all his screentime devoted to him being a hero when other characters have the situation handled. it would really show him as a good leader if he drew on the skills that his team has and refer to them for advice/ideas. realistically he is the main character, so I'd like them to develop him like one.

also, I kind of love the chief role for him? I think it would suit him really well. but it would drag him away from the 126 and split up the dynamics too much so it would make for bad tv and I wouldnt actually want to see that. good for his character though.

-Tommy

I love Tommy :) just wanted to say that.

so obviously Tommy's got a lot of grief to handle next season, and I don't want them to shy away from that. I want it acknowledged and processed. (I'd also like a little bit of seeing the twins' grief too, because they're also suffering a massive loss). maybe something with Judd helping Tommy learn to manage her grief with his own experience of losing the original 126, encourage her to go to therapy, plus Tommy, Grace and Judd all feeling the loss of Charles together. after all, Grace and Judd were his friends and they will be grieving too.

I'd also kind of like to see Tommy have something outside being a working mother. obviously we're going to need to deal with that a lot especially now that Charles is gone, but I feel like she's been assigned the Character TraitTM of being the working mum and I'd like to see them give her a hobby or something. idk. and give her a night off with Grace or something. give her something just for her.

-TK

okay so I think theres a fair likelihood that theyre going to return to looking at TK's addiction next season which im not averse to. I think him struggling with his sobriety would be worthwhile to see for his character and to show that its not a straightforward path, plus it makes sense with all the insane stuff they've thrown at them in s2. however, Id like to see it in the context of his friends and family rallying around to help and support him and show him that he's got people to rely on, and that he's allowed to rely on them, plus the support of his AA meetings and therapy. I also need them to lay the groundwork for him struggling, so putting in signs of him deteriorating so the situation makes sense. this storyline doesn't need surprises to be interesting or good, and frankly it shouldn't have any.

as for him and Carlos, I definitely want to see them househunting! I'd like to see the combination of househunting/Carlos with Tommy's kids/Grace and Judd having their baby have an impact on their perspectives regarding their future and spark that conversation (like, looking at houses with more rooms and thinking about kids, future, marriage etc). I think that maybe one of them, probably TK, or maybe both of them those boys have way too many parent issues having anxieties about being a dad could be an interesting way to add tension without being too drastic, and then that can be resolved in a way that reassures them of their relationship and reaffirms their strength as a couple. the talk about the future would also lay the groundwork towards a proposal at the end of s3.

-Grace

grace :) my love :)

I could watch episode after episode of Grace kicking ass and saving people over the phone. I'd love to see an episode set there? like, some kind of story within the call centre with all the handlers having to resolve that between them, but also tie in the first responders, so we see the fire team, the paramedics and Carlos all working but we only see the bits that Grace and the other call handlers hear, if that makes sense? also an actual Grace/Carlos team up where they are coming in from the different angles with different amounts of evidence and figuring out the best way to solve something together. plus I'd like to see her maybe get some recognition for being awesome at her job, maybe another handler coming to her for advice on how to solve something.

of course we've got the baby Ryder on the way, and I want that to go comfortably and smoothly for her. she deserves that. lots of wholesome excitement for her and Judd from the whole extended firefam, baby shower, gifts, the full works. pamper grace please.

-Judd

judd4captain2k22. please.

yeah I know its not gonna happen, but I loved judd stepping in as captain this season and I'd love to see that continued with him taking more leadership, and Owen deferring to him for advice/council in a work environment rather than personal life. maybe set up a long term idea about judd being a captain someday.

he's gonna be a dad :') so what are his anxieties about that? why were they putting it off before? was it related to his PTSD? he's got lots of people relying on him now, how does that make him feel? what if his kid loses him? id like to see him still using therapy as a tool to help himself deal with everything. lots of meaty questions to dig into there :D

-Marjan

I'd quite like to see more of her balancing her daredevil nature with the impact of that and realising how much danger she puts herself in sometimes. or on the flip side, maybe the team is dealing with a really dangerous situation and they utilise her fearlessness to save people. her relationship with social media could also come back? but bring in the development they gave her this season, and her Firefox presence is more serious, less flippant?

I think that theres now a space for her to explore her sexuality/romantic experience now that she hasn't got her engagement with Salim as a kind of failsafe. maybe she wants to put herself out there and date, but thats really daunting as shes never really had to do that before? personally I think this could tie in really well with a self discovery/exploration regarding her sexual orientation, but I doubt they’d go there with her, so thats just my headcanon.

-Paul

I want them to draw on Paul’s observational skills and perceptiveness more, especially on calls and in emergencies. I remember someone (sorry I cant remember who) pointed out that he would have been a great character to centre the arsonist plot around in terms of noticing the clues etc, so id love a storyline that revolves around him dealing with an emergency like that. I also really want a Carlos and Paul friendship so maybe them collaborating on a call to solve something, that’d be cool.

can we give Paul a girlfriend please. if im not complely insane, there was a reference to someone in like,, 2x04?? someone who put mayo in his sandwich? idk I havent checked (edit: it was aioli in his banh mi! thank you @meneatyoghurt), but if there is someone can we show him having a fun and loving relationship please. I dont need there to be any drama. just them having fun on a date or something.

-Carlos

so I know that some people are keen to see him in his police role more but I really don't need much of that. on calls with the 126 I'd like to see him be the officer in charge more, but I don't need police-exclusive storylines. I've talked about it here if you want to know why.

the only area that I'd like to see would be in the direction of reform/addressing the flaws of the system, and I think they can do that on a personal level for him, because he and Mitchell need a chat. if they'd gone with her decision in 2x08, he, Mitchell and the bank robber would all be dead, and I think thats gotta have some impact. also the fact that he was suspended for trying to preserve life. theres a lot they could work with there and maybe have him thinking about how he can do good and how he can effectively protect and serve. not to mention, the opportunity that would provide in terms of addressing his relationship with his dad and how he maybe sought approval by pursuing a police career?

also I’d like him to learn that he doesnt need to accept blame/preemptively put blame on himself and that he doesnt need to apologise when someone else hurt him. kind of want to send him to therapy. kind of want to send all the characters to therapy. but yeah, him learning that he can accept apologies and understand that he doesnt have to make people feel better for hurting him. hes allowed to be hurt and feel pained about it. and that can tie into his relationships with Mitchell, with TK and with his parents.

I think I mentioned most of the tarlos stuff in TK’s section, but I wouldn't mind at least one instance for them where we see it all from his perspective instead of TK’s.

finally ive mentioned above how i’d like a team up with Paul on a scene and both of them figuring it out together. I'd also like them having a friendship outside work, just the two of them, bonding over books and being relatively sane people compared to the rest of their friends.

-Mateo

Mateo is so sweet. I loved 2x14 and the recognition he got, more of that please! also theres still so much I want to know - one of the more consistent things they set up for him in s2 was his faith, so I want to know more about that. what's his relationship with religion and God? he's pretty isolated from his family so how does he feel about that? is his religion something that helps him feel connected to them? maybe the church helped him find a community when he first came to the states, before he got settled with the 126, and he finds reassurance in faith that God is looking after his family while he cant be there? I think maybe there's scope for a conversation between Marjan and Mateo about that, about that distance and caring for their families through faith and prayer.

also, if he's still with the horrible firehouse, I'd like to see the other firefighters being won round by his resilience and stepping up to look out for him, and someone backing him up against the captain. Mateo is used as the butt of the joke most of the time, but I'd also like to see a bit more acknowledgement of things like losing his house and the bullying hes going to get more of from this firehouse.

-Nancy

I think that her speech to Tommy in 2x14 was really telling, and I'd love to see them expand on that a bit more. first on the loss and fear of losing her friends and coworkers, but then also on her hopes and aspirations - she said she wants to be a paramedic captain so lets see her working to take her exams and qualifications, and showing initiative on scenes etc.

id like to see more of her being integrated into the 126 group. she and marjan turned up to the hangout together, so lets develop that relationship more. I would love it to be romantic but I'd also love to see that as a friendship. but also her forming bonds with others in the group as well as more of her and TK being a chaos duo. I love that they stole the ambulance, more of that insanity please!

-

I think thats it? if youre still reading, youre insane and I appreciate you a lot! honestly im open to all sorts of things in s3, this isnt a prediction or anything, its just stuff I think would be interesting based on where the characters are now. 

[foxfire-midnight-wings-writing]

Spider Virgil! (Introduction)

So, I guess this is a bullet fic? I always liked to write like these but never knew they had a name lol. Anyways, lets go!

If you’d like to talk more about this AU, you can send me an ask at @foxfire-and-midnight-wings​ or on here. (Preferably only using this one for asks that could bring potential to expand on the story or universe, with the other one for smaller asks and non-canon talk)

[Next]

[Fanfic Masterlist]

Warnings: super long post, talk about spiders and spider traits (fangs/venom, extra eyes, extra legs, etc.) and the usage of them, talks of spider and snake bites/venom (aka non-sexual biting), general anxiety thoughts and cognitive distortions

[This is basically an AU where Virgil has some spider-like traits, similarly to Remus and Janus with their respective animals. No one is unsympathetic!]

- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

First off, he has a little set of extra eyes underneath his 'real' eyes (only four eyes in total)

He got nervous before introducing himself to the other sides (aka the ‘light sides’) so he had Janus and Remus help him use makeup to hide them.

Janus & Remus understand bc while they like their animal traits they know he's always nervous about them.

While Remus only hides his octopus tentacles, Janus tends to hide his fangs, most his scales that aren’t on his face (ex: neck and shoulder), and his extra arms around many of the others.

Virgil has setules so he can climb walls and stuff, which is how he gets up and sits on places that shouldn't be sat on.

Also, he has 4 spider legs that are connected to the muscles on his back

One pair is positioned just underneath his shoulder blades, the other pair is around his mid-lower back

When he’s not hiding his legs, they usually are positioned as if they were giving him a weird hug (top are resting on his shoulders, bottom are wrapped a little bit around his torso)

Also fangs!

He has extended canine teeth that (surprise!) connect to a pair of venom glands on his neck

This means that his teeth are really sensitive too, though, which can suck at times

He had a bad habit of instinctually injecting venom into meat and stuff he eats, but luckily it doesn’t hurt him. Now that they’re all older though, all the ‘dark’ sides were able to adjust to their animal traits or habits.

In this case, that meant he trained himself not to automatically inject his venom into stuff

Remus was the first to find out about venom milking, because it’s Remus

Because both Janus and Virgil have fangs + venom, he knew that they were constantly worried about accidentally hurting someone and not having an antidote. So he brought up the idea to them

Luckily, they were all young when they discovered this so there weren’t any inappropriate jokes about it, but Remus makes them a lot in the present (along with the vore jokes, which everyone hates)

Basically, for those who don’t really know, the way people make antidotes and medicine to help with venom from animals like spiders and snakes is through extracting the venom by a process called “milking”

So they ended up experimenting a lot and they eventually made their own antidotes to both Janus and Virgil’s venom

And once they both also learned how to bite things (and as a result each other) without using their venom

(Snakes and spiders can do what’s called a “dry bite”, basically they bite without injecting venom into what they bit)

This revelation ends up with Janus and Virgil often threatening to bite the other person, sometimes if they fight they actually do

The antidotes have been helpful on the few occasions one of them injects a tiny bit of venom by accident (which was extremely rare, and only ever happened when they were younger)

Virgil and Janus still regularly milk and make their antidotes, and they usually keep some of both in all three of their rooms for emergencies

(sometimes they do it just because they can, and end up giving it to Remus so he can do weird experiments with it in the Imagination)

Also, the hissing? Janus is a snake, so that makes sense. But Virgil?

Well, after a little research, they ended up finding out that spiders make a low hissing noise called “stridulation”. So technically, spiders hiss too.

Virgil uses that against Remus when he tries comparing him to a kitten, and he threatens to bite him

[The Present Situation w/ the Other Sides]

- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

He was planning a big reveal for the ‘light’ sides at one point (before he was accepted) but he never went through with it

Because Accepting Anxiety happened, he was worried he'd lose the friendship/acceptance of the others due to his traits. (Anxiety and cognitive distortions, y'know? Plus, he saw how freaked out Patton and the others were by the spider decorations in his room, how could he expect them to react any different to him?)

And so he continues to hide them and his other abilities

which is an absolute pain because while he can easily cover up his extra pair of eyes, he has to be very careful about not showing anyone his fangs

And don’t get me started on how hard it’d be for him to get into his jacket and positioning it just right so his legs aren’t being squished but they aren’t very visible

Fun fact! That’s why he always appears on the stairs. he can easily hide them by leaning against the wall or positioning his back to where no one can see them

But he still gets little urges to do things spider-like because of his anxiety.

For example: crawl up the wall and go in corner = no people = safe

So to fill that little spider instinct to crawl up places to get away from people he takes to sitting in places he shouldn't.

Top of the fridge, the counter, anywhere he can get while being able to reason his way out of being questioned on how he got up there

To his surprise, no one stops him. If anything, Patton calls it cute and Roman basically encourages it

And so things go on like normal, and he always takes off his makeup once he's in his room.

Sometimes he indulges a bit and climbs the walls

He has a small resting area that looks similar to a hammock (but it’s practically a nest of blankets) that’s connected to his walls. Sometimes he’ll sleep up there because it’s off the ground and away from everything

he tends to lay on his stomach and to spread out as much as he can when up there

(Janus and Remus find it hilarious, but Virgil points out that Janus can’t say anything because he does that too)

No one has seemed to catch on that he has spider traits, and he is extremely relieved about that

Then Janus comes along and introduces himself to Thomas and the others.

And then Remus joins in too.

And while none of them are on bad terms, Virgil gets more and more worried someone is going to point out their animal traits and ask him if he has any.

And he worries because he doesn't know how to respond

He can't just say

"Oh yeah, all the 'dark' sides have animal traits and I've just been hiding mine from you in fear of rejection and that you'll all hate me. By the way, my anxiety is making me not say anything about this because I'll have a panic attack just thinking about telling you, and so I haven't said anything about it, and the more time that passes makes the anxiety about telling you guys worse which causes me to put it off even more. And it causes a spiral from there that often makes me whole myself up in my room for days on end."

So he tries to prevent anyone from asking about the 'dark' sides by making it seem like he left them on extremely bad terms.

It takes a minute for Janus to realize it’s not the normal banter they throw around, it’s something more desperate and anxiety-ridden

Janus catches onto his plan very quickly, and when he can he gets Virgil alone with him and Remus to talk it out.

Virgil tells them about his fears of rejection and how none of them know about his spider traits (especially because they went to his room once and Patton was freaked out just by the spider curtains, making his fears worse)

So they all make an agreement to help Virgil hide his traits and to make a plan to help the others not ask them about each other

And then Remus just goes "so you're saying I can fuck with my brother? That's the plan, right?"

Cause he is so on board as long as he can cause chaos.

And what better way to cause chaos than by pretending to be in an arguement or on extremely bad terms with a close friend, forcing the others to watch it happen and be uncomfortable as they argue back and forth

Janus just agrees because he likes being dramatic and it's not like they didn't banter a lot before now, they just get to make it public and more "serious" than before

(They all know it’s just because he wants to be part of the Drama™)

They make a list of things they can and cannot make jabs/remarks about

And then they prepare for the chaos

(Note: This is not them being “unsympathetic”, they all agreed on the plan and all know what they are signing up for. The entire purpose is to make the others think that they have bad relations with each other, which some may interpret the arguing/jabs as the characters being “unsympathetic”)

[The Chaos Time Begins]

- - - -- - - -- - - -- - - -

So this all happens before Selfishness v. Selflessness, right?

Which is what makes the entire courtroom scene funny to the ‘dark’ sides, bc they all were planning to have that be when the drama really started to take off

When in the courtroom and Janus makes the comment about Virgil’s name, he really wasn’t expecting that, but after the initial panic passed he was like ‘I mean, alright I guess’

He didn’t really want them to know anything about his full name (Virgilius), but it wasn’t going to really hurt him

(He just wanted to avoid any of the references or jokes Roman and Logan would definitely make because he already got enough of it from Janus and Remus)

and the plan worked! almost a little too well, though...

After the courtroom scene ends, there’s a couple days of silence where everyone just. Doesn’t talk about it. At all. The ‘dark’ sides were prepared for this, so it’s not too bad for them, but it makes Virgil feel very awkward when around the others.

Then, after the third day of awkward avoidance, Patton and Roman gather all of them in the living room to try and make sure everything is okay.

Unfortunately for them, Patton had also invited Janus up there because he saw the tension between him and Virgil

And Janus physically restrains himself from showing how excited he is because this is the perfect way to make the Drama™ officially known

Virgil is just chilling on the couch waiting for everything to spiral, because while he appreciates the effort, the fighting is completely intentional. So there’s no stopping it now

It goes about as well as you can expect

While everyone else except Janus starts talking, Janus just patiently waits until someone brings him into the conversation to start making jabs. (mainly because he knows that the others actually have stuff they need to talk through first, before he derails the conversation)

They all are able to get to a good conclusion about the situation, misunderstandings are talked through, and now all that’s left is dealing with Janus

And as soon as Patton starts talking to Janus, he gets excited because the show can finally begin

Roman: Now, I know not all of us really like him, but- Virgil: like him?! That’s funny, princey, because I really fucking hate him! Janus: Oh, come on, Virgil! Just lighten up a little. You’re seeming a little... dark. Virgil: Don’t. Patton, trying to prevent them from arguing: Hey, now, kiddos! Let’s take a moment and just step back to breathe, yeah? We don’t want this to- Janus: become a truth-telling session between us and Virgil? Patton: become an arguement.

The others try to help Patton defuse the situation, but it doesn’t work. If anything, it makes the situation worse because Janus uses them as fuel for some of his arguments.

Virgil: Yeah, keep talkin’ pal! I’m sure they really want to hear it from someone who makes it his job to harass everyone Janus: Well, sorry about that Sir Emo, but I couldn’t hear you over the sound of you leaving us. Oh, wait! Sorry, you don’t want to remember being a ‘dark side’, now, do you? My apologies! Roman, frantically glancing between the two: Wait, wha-? Virgil, standing up: Oh shut it, you treacherous snake! Like you ever even wanted me there. You’re probably glad I’m gone, huh? The cold from your room is starting to affect your heart! Not like you had one, though. Janus: Why, you-!

They start arguing and slowly they start getting louder and louder

Eventually, they’re yelling insults at each other, and everyone else is at a loss for what to do

Then, in what seems to be the ending of the argument, Virgil yells “I never wanted to be there with you in the first place, you bastard!”

Janus takes a moment to pause, and then he just says “Right, of course. My bad, Virgilius”

The living room is quiet as Janus sinks out, and Virgil just stands there shaking

He knew it was going to happen, and he knew it was just his name, but the acting and drama was becoming a little too much. It started to feel too real to him, and he knows that’s just his anxiety speaking, but he still feels the tears gathering in his eyes

Patton tries reaching out to him, but Virgil says “I’m going to my room” in a broken voice

The others watch helplessly as he leaves, and eventually they all break off to their own rooms to think about what just happened.

[spaceskam]

another part of me could be you

for @capmanes (i meant to have this done literally an entire week ago but i have no concept of time management)❤️️

ao3

warning: blood & guns; this also turned into something a little spiteful if you squint

Michael didn’t exactly hate Forrest, hate was a very strong word, but that didn’t mean he didn’t get unreasonably irritated every time he saw him do something stupid like breathe. The guy was clingy and stuck to Alex’s side more often than not which made it extremely hard to get information from him, but Alex never even seemed to mind. It was like he was using Forrest as an excuse to get away from all of their alien bullshit and refused to admit it. It made Forrest even more annoying.

Yet, when Forrest showed up outside the airstream, alone and panicking, Michael couldn’t turn him away.

“Whoa, dude, breathe,” Michael instructed, guiding him to go sit in one of the chairs around the fire pit. He went, bowing his head in his hands as he tried to steady his breath. Michael stayed crouched in front of him, making sure he was going to be okay. As much as he didn’t like him, Alex liked him, and that meant that it was now Michael’s responsibility to make sure he didn’t get a scratch on him. “What happened?”

Forrest grabbed fistfuls of his own hair, taking a sharp and shaky breath.

“Alex,” he said, voice breaking, “Someone took Alex and he just told me to go to you and, and we need to find him. We need to go find him.”

Michael’s chest clenched and he tried not to get too angry at the thought of Alex just being taken. What the hell did that even mean, taken? Who took him? Where? Why? What?

But Forrest was crying and Michael knew from experience that, when one person was losing it, the other had to stay strong. So, for once, for Alex, he had to just stay strong.

“Do you know who took him?” he asked, keeping his voice as controlled as possible. It was hard to breathe and his skin was on fire, desperate to go find where Alex was and steal him back. Maybe even kill the person who took him, who knows, he was feeling a bit unpredictable these days.

“No,” Forrest said, shaking his head. He lifted his head to make eye contact with Michael, not a single trace of shame as he cried and sniffled. “No, they just jumped us. I-I thought at first it was... But they grabbed Alex and literally started dragging him into a van like some shitty mob movie and he tried to fight back, but he was, like, really outnumbered and I-I couldn’t help, one of ‘em had a gun pointed at me and I just froze. God, I’m a piece of shit, I just froze.”

“No, that was a scary situation, it makes sense,” Michael–who definitely deserved a medal after this–said, “Then what happened?”

“They just threw him in and he just yelled to go to you before slamming the door closed and driving off,” Forrest explained, voice turning a little whiny as a new wave of tears threatened his eyes, “I feel so bad.”

“Hey, look, we’re gonna find him. Can you tell me anything about the van or what the guys looked like? Look, follow me and let me see if they were stupid enough to let Alex keep his phone.”

Forrest nodded and managed to stand up, both of them heading into the airstream. Michael pulled out his laptop that was a little bit shotty but he’d rigged it up pretty nice. Then, when he and Alex were still on good terms, he’d tweaked it a little bit more to make it even better. He instantly started trying to track Alex’s phone even though he knew it would be hard since Alex wasn’t really a fan of being traceable.

“The van was just all black, tinted windows. There wasn’t anything on it to make it stand out from any other all black vans with tinted windows. The guys all had masks.”

“Anything identifiable? Did you catch any license plate numbers or anything?”

“No, I mean–Wait, it was a government license plate,” Forrest said. Michael looked over his shoulder at him.

“You’re sure?”

“I’m, like, 99% sure. It didn’t have as many numbers or anything as regular license plates.”

“Good,” Michael breathed, turning back to the laptop, “So let’s find some military places and see if there’s any in the vicinity of where Alex’s phone is. If I can find it.”

“I just don’t get it. Who would want to take him?” Forrest asked. Michael sighed, realizing that, as much as he wanted to keep their secret to the small group they had, it looked like that might not be possible. Even if he kept it away, Forrest would be curious and he would ask questions.

“How much do you know?” he said. Forrest was quiet for a minute, clearly not understanding the question. Which meant Alex hadn’t really told him anything. But then again, he shouldn’t have been surprised. Alex was loyal. “Right. How much do you know about Alex’s father?”

“Um, that he’s a dick?” Forrest filled in, “I know... I know about what happened when you guys were young.” Michael froze for a moment, taking a grounding breath before putting his focus back onto the screen. “Alex said he’s done bad things, but didn’t elaborate past that.”

“Yeah, well, Alex’s whole family is affiliated with a pretty sketchy government organization,” Michael said, trying to keep his mind focused, “Alex has been trying to dismantle it.”

“What?”

The computer finished loading in that second, showing that Alex’s phone had received a text ten minutes prior and it’d pinged off a cell tower that had about a twenty square mile range. Michael grinned to himself, feeling prideful as he began searching for places in that area that he might be. His first instinct was to show Alex, show what he learned from watching him, but that wasn’t an option. Not right now, at least.

“Can I trust you?” Michael asked, writing down a few different addresses that might be it. He turned to face him, seeing that he was really fucking confused but he nodded. “No, seriously. If I start talking, you need to be aware that if you share anything I say to you with anyone outside of Alex, that you’re going to be in danger.” He didn’t really mean it as a threat. Or, maybe he did. “But you need to know if you’re going to help me get Alex.”

Forrest swallowed and nodded, drying his face entirely.

“Tell me what I need to know.”

-

“So. Aliens.”

“Aliens.”

“And you’re one?”

“Yep.”

“And Alex probably got taken because he protects you guys?”

“Probably.”

“And I was absolutely wrong about the Nazis?”

“Yeah,” Michael said, “Also, you should probably dial back the Nazi obsession when you’re literally related to modern day Nazis. It’s not a good look.”

“Yeah, well, clearly I need to get a job on Ancient Aliens after this, so,” Forrest huffed. Michael managed a smile, but it quickly faded as he spotted a black van in the lot of an abandoned building. “Coincidence?”

“Nothing’s a coincidence around here.”

Michael stopped his truck and turned it off, leaving it in plain sight on the property. There wasn’t much sneaking they could do anyway and, besides, he was feeling pretty powerful in the moment.

“So, what’s the plan?” Forrest asked.

“We go in, I throw guards at the wall, we get Alex, and we fucking flee to the bunker.”

“What bunker?”

“Either Alex’s or mine.”

“Wait, you both have a bunker?”

“Technically, Alex has two, but–“

“Who are you people?”

“Right, so basically just watch my back and I’ll watch yours. Alex said you’re ex-military, so you’ve got some skills, right?” Michael said. He shrugged slightly. “Good enough. Here, use this.”

Michael leaned over to the glove compartment and moved the acetone to pull out the gun, handing it to Forrest. He eyed him skeptically, but took it anyway. 

“You think he’s gonna be okay?” Forrest asked. They made eye contact for a second and Michael nodded. Him not being okay wasn’t an option. Alex needed to be okay or Michael wouldn’t be okay. Simple as that.

“Let’s go get him.”

-

It was easier than it should’ve been to slip into the building. There were no snipers, no guards, no nothing. It had them both on high alert, just waiting to be caught off guard.

Michael kept his power bubbling under the surface, focusing on his anger that someone had taken Alex and making sure that he would be a force to be reckoned with the moment he needed to be. Forrest kept the small gun held up, finger off the trigger like he knew exactly what he was doing.

“I’ll have you know, I’m very against guns,” he’d said when they climbed out of the truck despite the fact that he cocked it easily and checked it over. Michael had rolled his eyes, but felt a bit safer knowing he wasn’t gun crazy. Less of a chance he’d actually shoot Alex.

“This is weird,” Michael whispered, slowly making his way down the hall, “Something’s wrong.”

“Yeah, something’s wrong, they took Alex,” Forrest pointed out. Michael shook his head.

“No, I mean...”

He trailed off as they took a corner and saw a guard laying in a pool of his own blood right outside a door. They both froze. It didn’t make any sense. Where were the other guards? Who did that to him? Anxiety pooled in his stomach and he looked over to Forrest. 

“What now?” Forrest asked. Michael took a deep breath and nodded his head to the door.

“We go in.”

“And if Alex is hurt too?”

“Then I kill the person who hurt him,” Michael said easily. Forrest didn’t respond.

They both moved closer to the door and Michael used his mind to throw it open quickly, giving them the element of surprise to whoever was inside. But the only conscious one on the inside was Alex.

He was on the floor, prosthetic nowhere to be seen as he clutched his side. Three bodies laid out around them and Michael wasn’t sure if they were alive or not, but he knew for sure that Alex had taken them out. And Alex, wounded and struggling to breath, gave them a bloody little smile.

“Hey, Prince Charming,” he said, not really specifying which one of them he meant, “Just in time.”

Forrest immediately put the gun away and went to his side. Michael watched like an intruder as Forrest kissed his cheek as a small form of comfort and apologized. Alex smiled tiredly at him before pursing his lips for an actual kiss, something he got despite the fact his lips were covered in blood.

“Great reunion and all, but you’re hurt,” Michael said, pushing away that gut-wrenching feeling that came with not being the one Alex wanted when he was in pain, “Let me see it.”

Alex didn’t move his hand as he gave him his attention, still breathing raggedly. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. Michael moved closer and watched him keep on pressing. He was going to bleed out.

“I’m fine,” Alex said, smiling up at him with those eyes that would’ve been totally swoon worthy if he wasn’t denying his pain, “Just a scratch.”

“Alright, Mercutio, move your hand,” he said, crouching in front of him. 

Alex breathed a laugh and his head fell back against the wall, still smiling at him and refusing to move his hand. 

“You remember that scene in Romeo and Juliet?” he breathed, closing his eyes slowly and opening then just as slow, “Remember we-we had to act it out freshman year together? You were Romeo, you-you had to hold me as I died. You-you suck at acting. Still Romeo, though, still. Now. That’s kinda funny. The-the cinematic parallel no one predicted.”

“Okay, we’re not about to reminisce or make jokes, that’s what you do when you’re about to die and you’re not fucking dying,” Michael said, keeping his voice steady despite the fact that he was getting more and more worried. He looked at Forrest who seemed way in over his head, but he still held Alex and pushed his hair off his sweaty forehead to comfort him. Michael had never been so grateful for someone he didn’t even like. “You’re gonna be okay, Alex.”

“Yeah?” Alex laughed, “These violent delights have violent ends. You know that one, right, Forrest?”

“Is he delirious?” Forrest asked Michael, turning to him for guidance. Michael licked his lips.

“You trust me?” he asked him. Forrest looked at Alex who seemed to be fading out of it more and more by the second as he bled, continuing to murmur Shakespeare under his breath. Which, Michael had to admit, was kind of funny. But he could laugh about it when Alex was healthy.

“Yeah,” Forrest said, nodding, “I trust you.”

Michael took a deep breath and nodded, closing his eyes as he mentally pictured his powers rising and strengthening specifically for Alex. Always for Alex.

“Lay him on the floor,” Michael instructed, “I’m gonna heal him, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it completely. More than likely, I’ll just be able to do enough to get him to Kyle, but I’ll be fucked up too. So you’re gonna need to drive and call Kyle as soon as I stop, okay? Then you’re gonna need to call Max so he and Liz can come out here and deal with the body and DNA situation, okay? Can you do that?”

“Absolutely,” Forrest agreed. They both helped as they laid him on the floor.

“Don’t touch him. It’s a lot of electrical power and I don’t wanna accidentally fuck you up,” Michael warned. Forrest nodded and moved just a little, giving them just enough space. Michael carefully peeled off Alex’s hand, seeing the nasty wound on his stomach still gushing blood. It was so bad, Michael couldn’t even tell what caused it.

Still, he layered his hands over it, feeling Alex’s heart pumping hard as it tried to save him.

“Thus, with a kiss, I die,” Alex said, huffing a little laugh as he took a strangled breath.

“Not that kinda kiss, babe,” Michael replied, “And you’re not dying.”

Then Michael focused all of his power on him, thinking of nothing but Alex and everything that he was. His pretty smile, his undying loyalty, his protective nature, his unmatched kindness despite all the cruelty he endured, his eyes, his mouth, his heart. Everything that was Alex Manes was incredible and it was way too soon for him to go away. Michael wasn’t done showing him he was good. Hell, he hadn’t even started.

He was starting now.

Things were blurry when his body decided it’d reached it’s peak and he had to turn to throw up. If a good amount got on one of the guy’s that kidnapped Alex, well, that was someone else’s problem.

“Michael,” Forrest said, his hand reaching for Michael’s shoulder and squeezing. It grounded him more than he’d ever admit. “Michael, you good?”

“Yeah,” he breathed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and turning back to them. Alex was breathing well, eyes wide as he sat up on his own and stared at Michael in something akin to shock. They both knew he’d have a hand print on him and that was a bridge that would absolutely not be fun to cross. But it didn’t matter. He was breathing. “Yeah, I’m good. Sick, but good.”

“Alex, are you good?” Forrest wondered, his hand still on Michael as his other one went to Alex’s cheek. It was strange to see someone so unabashedly caring. For both of them.

“Yeah,” Alex said, nodding, “Still bleeding, but not as bad. Thing you just mended an artery and a, a kidney, maybe? I don’t know.”

“Good,” Michael breathed, laughing slightly, “Good.”

“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” Forrest urged.

Alex stood between them as they helped him get to the truck, letting him use them both of a crutches. Michael was weak and dizzy, but he could feel Alex’s gratitude and that pushed him. Besides, he had acetone in the truck.

They squeezed in the bench of Michael’s truck, Forrest in the driver’s seat and Alex in the middle. Forrest pulled out his phone and immediately started making calls as he put the truck and drive and got them the fuck out of there. Michael went for the acetone stash in his glove box. He downed it quickly and tried not to react when Alex leaned against him. 

When he glanced at him, he had his eyes closed and he was taking extremely controlled breaths as he pressed his hand to the wound. Michael watched him for a moment as he drank and, once he was done, he carefully grabbed a t-shirt that was stuffed behind the seat. He smelled it, making sure it wasn’t gross, before moving Alex’s hand and pressing it over the wound.

“You need anything from me?” Michael asked softly so as not to disturb Forrest as he got directions to the cabin from Kyle, “Like, are you grounded or are you just lucid enough to be thrown into a panic attack over being kidnapped and having to take out four guys by hand?”

Alex huffed a laugh and tilted his head back to look up at him, eyes fond. Michael loved that look.

“I’ll be okay,” he promised, nodding, “Thank you for saving me.”

“Thank Forrest, he made sure we made it in time and handled the alien information like a champ,” Michael said.

“Thanks Forrest,” Alex hummed. Forrest glanced over at them both, flashing a smile. He held the phone to his ear with his shoulder, reaching out to squeeze Alex’s thigh gently. 

“Yeah, Kyle, thanks. I’ll call Max and I’ll tell him where to go,” Forrest said, letting go of Alex to grab the phone and end the call, “You two still doing good? No one’s gonna die on me?”

“No,” Michael assured, “Not gonna let that happen.”

Forrest made momentary eye contact with him, going back and forth from the road to his eyes. 

“I know. Thank you.”

“No worries.”

Forrest got Max on the phone and Michael settled into holding Alex. Everything was going to be okay.

-

“So, he’s gonna be okay?”

Kyle nodded and looked between Michael and Forrest. He’d stitched up Alex and left him on the old bed of the pullout couch, pain killers in his system. Michael knew, logically, that he had to leave soon and just let Alex be with his boyfriend while he healed. But, fuck, he didn’t want to go.

“Yeah,” Kyle confirmed.

“Thank God,” Forrest breathed, visibly relaxed at the confirmation. Kyle smiled and looked at Michael as if waiting for him to ask for a ride. He cleared his throat and decided he didn’t really have a choice.

“I can, uh, leave my truck here for you guys whenever Alex is feeling okay if, uh, you wanna give me a ride back into town,” Michael said. Forrest looked to him like he’d lost it.

“No, what if they come back? We need you here,” Forrest said. Michael didn’t know how to feel about that, didn’t know how to handle being needed.

“Stay,” Alex called sleepily. Michael looked back at Alex and then at Forrest, both of whom seemed eager for him to stay. He took a grounding breath. He didn’t want to go.

So he looked back to Kyle.

“Um, I guess I gotta hold down the fort,” Michael said. Kyle eyed him before slowly nodding. 

“Take care of him, call me if anything goes wrong,” he said, “Bye, Alex, stay safe.”

“Bye,” Alex hummed.

Michael followed him to the door, quickly locking it behind him. He watched until Kyle was gone and then watched a little longer, making sure no one followed them there. After that, he closed his eyes and did a mental sweep of all the locks on the doors and windows in the cabin and made sure they were secure. Until they knew for sure who took Alex and why and if there was anyone else, he needed to be on high alert.

“Hey, Romeo,” Alex called. Michael turned his gaze to the pullout couch, seeing Alex in the middle and Forrest laying beside him. He figured before today he would’ve wanted to throw up at the sight. But, right now, he was grateful. 

Really fucking grateful. 

“C’mere,” Alex added, patting the bed beside him.

Like always, that magnetic pull tugged at Michael’s heart and he slowly stepped out of his boots and walked towards the bed. He looked at Forrest, making sure he was cool with it, and then laid down when he got a nod of confirmation. Alex grabbed his hand and held it over the stitches where the hand print was slowly but surely making itself known. He felt a rush of just pure fucking love and had no idea how to handle it.

So he moved closer, still checking with both of them that it was alright with glances. Forrest was already pressed to Alex’s side with his hand in his hair and he didn’t seem to have any issues as Michael pressed in just as close on Alex’s other side with his hand on his bare stomach. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest, his head still feeling a little off from healing Alex and acetone. Maybe he misunderstood.

“I-Is this okay?” he asked carefully. Forrest nodded solemnly.

“That was scary, it’s still scary, we don’t know if they’re coming back,” he said softly, “No one should be alone.”

“You’re being way too nice to me,” Michael huffed, swallowing harshly. His hands were shaking and he didn’t really know why. He couldn’t understand why this guy was being so nice to him, so open to him, and yet didn’t want anything from him. That didn’t compute.

“Not everyone has an agenda,” Alex murmured, eyes closed as he relaxed to the feeling of both men at his side. Michael could feel through the mark just how safe he felt with them, both of them. He could’ve cried.

“You take care of Alex, I take care of you, simple as that,” Forrest added, staring at him over Alex’s head. Michael nodded curtly as he finally understood a little bit better. Forrest was taking care of one of his own.

And Michael fell under that umbrella.

Simple as that.

[puddygeeks]

Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 16: Rᴇsᴄᴜᴇ Pᴀʀᴛʏ

Masterlist

Episode: His Sister’s Keeper

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for. 

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Sixteen

When I got to my tent, I was surprised to find that Octavia wasn’t there and I noticed that nothing had been moved since I was last there this morning, indicating that she also hadn’t returned since then. It hit me all at once that I hadn’t seen her in camp all day and I rushed out of the tent to do a search of the area. I checked in every tent that I passed and asked everyone I saw, but no one knew anything about her activities for the day. My attention was caught by a lit torch and I saw Bellamy and Clarke hurriedly making their way toward the dropship. I jogged up to them and blocked their path.

“Have either of you seen Octavia? I can’t find her.” I panted, already becoming breathless in my panic. I felt terrible for not noticing her absence sooner and my mind obsessed over all the things that could have happened to her in an entire day. When I met Bellamy’s eyes, his expression matched mine. 

“No, I haven’t seen her since this morning.” His voice broke with worry as he spoke and it only added to my nerves. It seemed that he had realised not long before me that she was missing. 

“This is bad.” I replied nervously, feeling the terror build in my stomach as I reflected on this information, realising that the last time she’d been seen was after finding out about Bellamy. He watched me with a curious expression, likely following the same train of thought. 

“We’ve got a few places left to check before we panic.” Clarke answered calmly in an attempt to be the voice of reason. I knew she was used to controlling situations, but when it came to Octavia there was no controlling Bellamy or I. 

“You do that, I’ll start waking people and gather a search party.” I replied, immediately turning on my heel and leaving them before anyone could protest. I made my way around the tents, gathering the members of Bellamy’s militia and other capable fighters. I jumped as Jasper appeared behind me and looked skeptically at his nervous form. “What are you doing here?” I asked, watching him carefully.

“Octavia’s missing, I have to help.” His expression was resolute and determined, but I could still sense the anxiety in his posture and movements. I was reluctant to encourage him, as he hadn’t left camp since we had recovered him and from Octavia’s accounts he was still jumpy and unpredictable. I didn’t want to make him feel pressured into a situation that he wasn’t ready for. 

“Jasper, I’m thankful for your help and I know you care about Tavi, but are you sure you’re up for this?” I asked gently, trying my best not to undermine him. The last thing I wanted to do was to destroy his confidence, but if he were to come with us I needed to know that I could rely on him. 

“I’m sure.” He smiled in what he clearly thought was a confident manner and I squeezed his arm in support. I nodded in acceptance before continuing to gather people. Once I’d accumulated a crowd, I returned to find Bellamy addressing them. 

“Hey everybody, gather around and grab a weapon.” He dropped a sheet full of a variety of makeshift weapons that we had been working on for a while. “My sister’s been out there alone for 12 hours. Arm up, we’re not coming back without her.” He stated and people moved to prepare for the journey. 

I stepped forward without hesitation, and picked up a curved blade with red wire wrapped around the handle, nodding to Bellamy. I then rushed back to my tent to pick up some additional supplies I’d been collecting: my usual dagger, some strips of fabric for bandages, a water bottle, amongst other useful items. I’d decided a few days ago to keep things ready for a crisis, as it seemed to be happening on the regular and I was glad now that I’d done this. I returned to the group once ready, expecting to find them ready to depart but instead everyone was gathered together staring up at the sky. When I looked up, I saw a shower of lights making their way to Earth and my stomach dropped as I considered what they were likely to be. 

“They didn’t work.” Raven’s voice caught my attention as she joined us, closely behind Finn and Clarke. I raised my eyebrows at the sight of the two of them together, but quickly pushed my thoughts of them from my mind. “They didn’t see the flares.” She breathed in an emotional tone. 

“A meteor shower tells you that?” Bellamy asked confidently and my stomach lurched for him. I knew he was already on edge from all of his secrets and even more so with Octavia missing. I feared what was about to come out may be enough to push him over the edge and although I was full of conflicted emotions for him myself, I needed him in his best state of mind for Octavia right now. 

“It’s not a meteor shower, it’s a funeral. Hundreds of bodies being returned to the Earth from the Ark. This is what it looks like from the other side.” Clarke explained with a pointed look to Bellamy and I watched his crestfallen expression nervously. A pit formed in my stomach as I watched the way Clarke looked at him and I felt dread creeping down my neck at the thought that he may have done something else foolish to cause it. She turned back to look at Raven. “They didn’t get our message.” She confirmed and signed in upset. Raven turned her furious expression to Bellamy, who looked away in shame. 

“This is all because of you!” She spat, lurching forward for him before Finn dragged her back. I was surprised at the extremity of her reaction and felt the dread growing as I waited for an explanation. 

“I helped you find the radio!” Bellamy growled defensively, pointing a finger in her face and I sighed. It wasn’t usually a good sign when he got defensive in this way. 

“Yeah, after you jacked it from my pod and trashed it!” She lunged at him again as she yelled, despite being held by Finn. My eyes widened at her words and I allowed myself to cover my face with my hands. I was tired of finding new incidents of his reckless behaviour and couldn’t believe he had gone to such lengths to cover his own problems. I sighed loudly in frustration, before uncovering my face to see Clarke addressing him again.

“Yeah, he knows. Now he has to live with it.” She stared him down as she spoke, and I could feel the weight of her words as he squirmed under her stare. I watched him look up to the sky again and for a few moments I could see the vulnerability in his eyes as the lights continued to descend upon us. Every one of them was a life that was now on his conscience and I struggled to comprehend just how he must be feeling at the moment. Although I was furious with him, I also knew that a large number of this camp depended on him and Clarke’s strength to survive. He turned his gaze back to us. 

“All I know is my sister is out there and I’m gonna find her.” He stated in a matter of fact manner, but I could still spot the telltale signs of shock in him. I knew that I would have to discuss this with him at some point, but for now I could only focus on my need to find Octavia. If that meant supporting him for the time being, I would do it, as I knew he was the only person as determined to do whatever necessary to bring her home as me. “You coming or what?” He asked, looking over to me pointedly and I had a feeling that he was following the same train of thought that I was. I stepped over to him first, planting myself firmly in front of him and fixing him with a furious expression. 

“For Octavia.” I answered sternly, ensuring my meaning passed to him and he nodded back nervously. I would stay by his side to find his sister, but this wasn’t over; I still had plenty to say. 

“What are we waiting for? Move out!” He yelled to the rest of the group, not able to bring his eyes to me again. 

I followed him out of the camp as just another part of the crowd and we made our way into the woods to start our search. We kept close enough together not to lose anyone but spread the group  over a large area to look for any sign of her. We walked mostly in silence, focused on the task at hand and as I reached the front of the group Bellamy fell into step with me. For the first time in a while, it was uncomfortable between us and I kept my gaze away from him as I walked, able to feel him doing the same. I was overly conscious of the fact that we weren’t alone, with so many surrounding us and Roma right behind. Bellamy cleared his throat awkwardly, before speaking under his breath. 

“I just want you to know, I had reasons for what I did-”

“I can’t talk to you about this right now. I need to focus on finding Octavia, and I need you to do the same.” I cut him off with a stern voice to ensure that he didn’t try to confide in me and he shrank back into himself, nodding in response. I was all too aware of the possibility of being overheard and I knew that if he wanted to discuss this, I’d want to mention the events on the Ark. 

“Look, over here!” A voice ahead of us caught our attention and saved us both from the awkward feeling that we were sharing. We rushed ahead to find John pointing down a steep hill and looked down with uncertainty.

“What is it?” Bellamy asked in confusion and I shared the feeling as I glanced around, unable to see anything worth calling us over for. 

“Right there.” John pointed down to a bush at the bottom. “You see it? Is that Octavia’s?” I noticed a tiny strip of fabric caught in the bush and my eyes met Bellamy’s in a moment of panic. 

“Rope.” He ordered, turning to the others to set up a route down to it. I watched him in surprise, he’d been acting like such an idiot recently that I forgot he could be sensible. Finn pushed his way through the crowd and approached Bellamy in confusion. 

“What are you doing?” He asked, glancing around at us in bewilderment. 

“We need the rope to get back up.” He answered impatiently, ensuring that the rope was tightly tied to a sturdy tree. “Flashlight.” He grabbed one from a nearby follower of his, stowing it in his belt before attaching himself to the rope and preparing to descend. I watched him with bated breath, as he reached the fabric and took hold of it. “It’s hers.” He called back and I felt my stomach lurch. “I’m going all the way down.” He announced, and I didn’t hesitate for a moment before grabbing the rope and descending, with Jasper immediately behind me. 

I stumbled on the way down, quickly thankful to Bellamy for setting up the rope and I realised that this could have been a problem for Octavia if she indeed went this way. As I reached the bottom, I turned to catch Jasper who tripped in an attempt to catch his footing. When he straightened up I smiled proudly at him, glad to see that his courageous spirit was still alive and brought him down long before the others. I jogged over to Bellamy and found him crouched at a rock, staring at the blood on his fingers. I glanced over his shoulder to see a small pool of blood on the rock and my stomach lurched. I stood rooted to the spot in shock, feeling my mind running through awful scenarios at a hundred miles an hour. Jasper stepped past me to crouch beside Bellamy and footsteps behind alerted me to Finn’s arrival. He quickly joined the other two boys to examine the blood and I found myself glad to have his tracking skills here.

“Someone else was here.” Bellamy stated, causing chills down my spine. 

“The prints are deeper going that way.” Finn pointed ahead, and I leaned around to see large footprints in the mud that I hadn’t noticed at first. “He was carrying her.” He analysed.  I felt myself inhale sharply at this additional information and the surprise shook me back into action. I stepped forward to join the group, looking around at the three faces in front of me for an answer.

“If they took her, she’s alive.” Jasper stated as he squeezed my arm and smiled reassuringly.. “Like when they took me.” He added and I noticed that his face fell as he seemed to be reflecting on his own experience. 

At these words Bellamy hurriedly got to his feet and tore off ahead and we rushed to follow. Bellamy and Finn led the pack, whilst Jasper and I were just behind. The torches lit strange shapes in the foliage around and shadows seemed to be lurking everywhere. I felt my heart racing in a way that was unusual for me during times of conflict. I didn’t feel the same determined strength that I usually did when I needed to defend someone and instead found myself at the mercy of vivid thoughts of what could have happened to Octavia already. As we stepped into a clearing, my anxiety only worsened. The group stopped in shocked silence, as we glanced around at the skeletons hung in the trees all over the narrow path ahead. Finn looked nervously over at Bellamy. 

“I don’t speak grounder, but I’m pretty sure this means keep out.” Finn warned as we viewed the bizarre display in a nervous fashion. Bellamy stared back in shock between him and the path ahead, seeming conflicted. Murmurs grew in the group around me and various voices filled the air. 

“Let’s get out of here, it’s crazy!” “I’m outta here!” “Yeah me too.” “I’m out.” I watched as several members of the group seemed to dissipate back in the direction we came. 

“Go back if you want.” Bellamy announced to the crowd without even turning to face them. “My sister, my responsibility.” He spoke under his breath, before taking off in a determined manner straight down the skeleton littered path. I felt in my gut that these words were of some significance to him and memorised them to ask him later. Jasper and I looked at each other for a moment, but I knew there was no chance I would turn back. I could see in his face that Jasper was thinking the same thing. 

“I’d walk into hell to find her.” He stated firmly and we fell into step together as we followed. It was barely a few seconds of reluctance before Finn caught up to us. 

“I think we just did.” Finn added, with a nervous smile and I had to admit that I hadn’t expected him to stay with us. Although he’d been willing to run to anyone’s aid who needed him when we first arrived, his hero complex seemed to be waning recently. I wondered if he was simply here to keep an eye on Bellamy and pushed the thought out of my mind so I could concentrate on the search. 

We continued walking through the night and were still wandering through the trees when daylight broke. I was surprised to find that a couple of others continued to follow, including Roma and other core members of Bellamy’s Militia. I found it difficult and awkward being around her at all, but especially when Bellamy was here too. Instead of leading the pack with him as we usually did, I hung back with Jasper, keeping an eye out for any additional signs of Octavia. Jasper broke the silence, reading the anxiety on my face. 

“We’ll find her.” He breathed as he tried to force a tone of confidence. I looked over to Jasper with a thankful smile. 

“She’ll be pleased to see you Jasper.” I asserted and he smiled weakly back. I could see signs of a disagreement between Finn and Bellamy ahead, but I wasn’t close enough to hear it. I found myself watching them intently as I walked, trying to lipread but it was to no avail. 

“Hey, where’s John?” Roma’s voice broke the tension and I turned to find that our small rescue party was missing a member, one who had been there only moments before. 

“I just saw him a second ago.” Jasper panted, looking shifty and I put a hand on his arm to steady him. I was still nervous that he would bolt at any moment and I couldn’t bear it if he came to harm again out here.

“Spread out, he couldn’t have gotten that far.” Bellamy ordered, but I noticed a hint of annoyance in his voice. I could understand why it was there, I didn’t want to stray from looking for Octavia either, but if there was a threat in the area we needed to know about it.

I took a few steps back to retrace where John had been when something large dropped from the trees right in front of me and I was startled enough to fall back on my ass in the dirt. It took me a moment to realise what I was looking at before my eyes focused on John’s body, his throat violently slashed open with blood splattered all over his clothes. I struggled to my feet with a hand from Jasper, who quickly checked me over. Bellamy and Finn rushed over, taking in the sight. Finn glanced up and looked frustrated at himself as his eyes darted around the branches. 

“They use the trees.” He stated and we all stared up at the vast canopy above us, as we became aware of all of it’s stalking opportunities. Now that I was seeing it in an analytical nature, I realised just how grossly outmanoeuvred we were and wracked my tired brain for tactical suggestions. 

“We shouldn’t have crossed the boundary!” Diggs stated in a panic, unsettling the remaining group.

“Now can we go back?” Roma exclaimed and I fixed her with a vicious glare. I didn’t need any further reason to dislike her and I was annoyed that she would even suggest to Bellamy that he should abandon his sister. 

“There!” Jasper exclaimed and pointed straight at a figure standing nearby who was staring at us. As I turned to look where he pointed, I realised that we were surrounded on all sides.

“We should run.” Finn stated before we all took off through the trees. 

Strange screaming noises and calls echoed through the forest as our feet pounded against the dirt. I could feel the grounders pressing in around us, easily matching our manic pace. I scrambled around the trees, bringing up the back of the pack with Jasper. With multiple recent injuries and starvation, I wasn’t as fast as I once was and I struggled to keep moving. I glanced over at Jasper and could tell that he was finding it difficult too. I found myself panicking in a desperate bid for ideas, acknowledging that we were the most likely to be left behind. No matter where we went, the grounders kept cutting us off and I started to understand that they were likely leading us somewhere. I couldn’t catch my breath enough to communicate this to the group and I was too afraid of being abandoned to stop running.

“What are we gonna do?! They keep heading us off!” Diggs called and I was glad that someone else had been able to point it out.

“Just keep running!” Another voice answered, carrying strangely through the trees. My legs began to feel like lead and my lungs burned. I felt in my gut that I didn’t have much more in me.

“I can’t run much longer!” Jasper cried out in desperation and my heart skipped a beat. I was almost relieved that I wasn’t the only one, but I was mostly overwhelmed with a need to keep Jasper safe.

“I’m not stopping for him!” Diggs immediately yelled back, continuing to sprint ahead. Jasper met my eyes in terror and in a split moment, my legs gave up beneath me. I dropped to my knees, splaying out on the ground as I struggled for breath. I was stunned to find Jasper at my side, using the little strength he had remaining to attempt to pull me to my feet. 

“Indie come on! Don’t give up!” His voice was frantic as he tugged on me, but I could hardly move.

“I can’t do it, go Jasper!” I yelled pushing him away, but he clung to me, refusing to leave me behind. Bellamy glanced over his shoulder to see the two of us and stopped in his tracks. 

“I’m sick of running anyway.” He stated, turning back to us and stomping over to drag me to my feet. Although his touch was rough, I could see the concerned look in his eyes, and he quickly dusted me off. He turned back to the group. “They know where she is.”

Jasper held on to me, panting for air and viewed me worriedly. He checked me over for injuries as I gasped out, trying to catch my breath. 

“Diggs, where are you?!” Roma’s frantic voice caught my attention as she tore off, away from the group that had stopped. I glanced over at Jasper and we exchanged an exhausted expression, both fearful that we could go no further. 

“Roma!” Diggs desperate voice called back to her and I knew that we wouldn’t have a choice.

Bellamy, Finn and the others took off running again and I took a deep breath before forcing myself to move. I pulled Jasper with me, who looked equally like he could drop dead at any moment. If he can still run, so can you. I thought to myself firmly, reminding myself of all Jasper had been through and bullying myself into carrying on.   A loud smash rang through the trees, closely followed by Roma’s panicked screams and a fresh feeling of adrenaline coursed through me, carrying me forward.

“Wait, Roma!” Bellamy called out to her, sprinting ahead of me and I recognised the tone in his voice. I knew that he was growing desperate and nearing the point that he would do anything necessary to keep the remaining group safe.

“There could be more, stop!” Finn yelled at almost the same time, and I found myself questioning what I was about to run into. Jasper and I caught up to the boys to find Diggs impaled in a large trap built from a log and metal shards. I reared back in shock, bumping into Jasper who had hesitated earlier. 

“They were leading us here.” He panted in a thoughtful tone. “It’s the only direction we could run in.” He clarified and I kicked the ground in frustration. I’d realised their movements were strange, but couldn’t act soon enough to save anyone. I couldn’t hear any other movement and realised we had lost Roma and another man in the commotion. It was just the four of us and Monroe now.

“Hey, where’d they go?” Finn asked, looking around into the woods and I noticed that I couldn’t see any grounders either. Bellamy looked around in concern, before rushing off in the direction Roma had run. 

“After Roma!” He growled with a deep determination and I felt my stomach drop. I knew that Bellamy would only grow more reckless with every person we lost and I had to acknowledge that he cared about Roma at least a little. I became fearful of the measures he would be willing to take if we didn’t find Octavia soon. We forced ourselves into a sprint again, following in the direction he’d gone. 

After a while of running with no sign of grounders, we slowed to a walk and Jasper and I panted at the back of the group still. We crept through the trees in a tighter unit now in an attempt not to lose any other lives. Finn and Monroe stopped at the front of the group. 

“There she is, Roma!” Monroe gasped, calling out to a shoulder which was poking out from the side of a tree ahead. We all paused and waited for a response, but none came. Bellamy jogged ahead to collect her and I couldn’t help a slight pang of jealousy as he did.

Finn started to follow, leading the rest of the group to do the same and I stayed reluctantly at the back, unsure what the nature of her reunion with Bellamy would be. As he neared her, he stopped in his tracks for a moment, before walking slowly to her side. I neared enough to see the cause of her stillness, as a spear came into my vision. I realised that she was dead, speared to the tree and I gagged on the spot. The weight of the guilt from my thoughts threatened to destroy me. Jasper turned to check on me and I leaned into a tree to vomit. Jasper looked at me in confusion; I had seen far worse than this without sickness before and it only intensified my guilt as I waved him off. 

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” I lied, forcing myself back upright. Finn stepped ahead of Bellamy to look around. 

“They’re playing with us.” He announced as he tried to urge him to act despite his obvious shock. I moved closer with Jasper, to see Bellamy closing her eyes with a broken expression. I felt a crushing guilt, enough to feel as if I had wished this into happening with my own thoughts. 

“She only came because of me.” Bellamy muttered, staring at Roma’s pale face, blood stained around her mouth. His guilty expression matched mine and I felt a wave of empathy for him. Finn leaned over to Bellamy to try to appeal to him. 

“They can kill us whenever they want.” He nudged Bellamy in an attempt to shake him from his shocked state.

“We need to move.” I agreed, calling out to them and concentrated my effort on keeping my voice even so as not to draw any attention to my distress. 

“Then they should get it over with!” Jasper broke into frantic shouting beside me and I stared at him, frozen to the spot. “Come on! We know you’re out there!” He cried into the trees and Finn sprinted over to try to stop him. “You want to kill us!” He yelled tauntingly. It became clear to me in that moment that he shouldn’t have come with us, he wasn’t ready for this kind of stress again yet. I spotted movement in the trees and watched as Monroe noticed it too. 

“Bellamy!” She cried out in fear and he hurried over to us, ushering us into a defensive circle with our backs to each other.  As I glanced around at our environment , I realised that we were surrounded by grounders and that they were gradually moving in on us. We all waited in nervous anticipation and I pulled my dagger out of my belt, crouching into a waiting position. 

“We’re fucked.” I panted. My heart hammered in my chest as I realised that I probably wouldn’t even have a chance to use it, if they used the spears they carried we’d all be dead before we could do a thing. 

[shattered-catalyst]

♡ + family

Headcanon Meme:: or in the OC verse...This shit is Canon

//accepting

Family and Catalyst are a very complex and twisting topic that often times contradicts itself as he grows . Unfortunately he never had the Cadre Alliance to help him out ( or use him cough) but he also didnt have Xforce or anyone else in his corner. Hes been doing this all solo and thats why hes...An absolute counter intuitive wreck.

Sooo heres a write up since Im in pain and need something to focus on

tw for mentions of abuse,neglect, underage alcohol consumption, and all around Mojoworld Shittiness. If you know much about Mojoworld you know this is literally portrayed in canon I did not make this shit up okay i swear.

So Mojoworld doesnt have family units as we have them. There are no parents and there are seldom children. Children are in a tube being fed videos of violence and bloodshed (canon), they are taken out when they are capable of independent locomotion (something the spineless ones find absolutely disgusting. tune in next time for me to talk about how deep catalyst’s self loathing and self image and concept is affected by this).

Prior to this they are given a purpose and destination; entertainment- bands,singing, stunts,etc, servents, builders, farmers and harvesters, gladiators, and pets. Yes yes that is canon and yes I hate i had to write that.

Catalyst was ‘born’ Isaslan III and placed in the gladiator class to ensure peak anxiety +complex stress to make sure his mutation would activate. But he was also place in intense gameshow and survival show like programming during the off season to try and further speed up his mutation because Mojo is impatient.

Mojo is the godhead, the master programmer, all things lay in his hands.He places the young into units and has them train together in combat with more seasoned gladiators as their trainers. Each creche has a strict pecking order and depending on the personalities of those involved and their trainers the creche is either combative and competitive over their resources or co-operative.

Isaslan III had a co-operative creche, he just was rarely with them when they all weren’t exhausted so he didn’t get much in the way of interaction. When he did it definitely made up for it.

The gladiator class all refers to an internally reinforced honor system and they call each other intimate terms ‘brother’ ‘sister’ ‘friend’ are all used (canon). But it is more of a kinship with suffering and survival than with each other.

Isaslan III would consider them family if he had been with them a bit longer. But after his second season he was taken from the creche (most of his ‘siblings’ had since been killed in combat and only 5 of the original 12 remained) and taken to the more seasoned area all as part of Mojos plan to force a premature mutation. This was his first lost family.

Isaslan III didnt meet anyone else he would consider having a ‘family’ or any sort of bond with. Unless we consider the parasite like way Mojo and Arize both used him. Nah, not until Earth and god it just gets worse.

Here we have an alien who basically treats the world like GTA or any other simulation because Fuck if he knows if this is REAL or not and he doesnt know what LAWS are or how to read or ANYTHING and what does he land in? A fucking bar.

This is the second fucked up ‘family’ like situation he lands in. A bunch of adults who think the mutant kid who ‘likes’ to fight is ‘funny’ and they give him so much alcohol whenever his mutation acts up and it just goes spiraling downhill from there  Once he realizes this is all..A big joke he moves on but hes sworn off the idea of finding ‘family’ or anything like that.

Especially because his ideas are all based on modern cinema. Like he has 0 concepts outside of cinema and fucked up life experiences.

He doesnt consider his mutant town folks family, hes pushed family away as being something he isnt worthy of because it just isnt possible for him, or so he thinks,. He maintains a very distant, cold attitude whenever anyone pries too much or he feels hes becoming dependent on someone.

It makes therapy a bitch and trying to make friendships that seem, full, is extremely difficult. Instead he feels chronically acting and never actually genuinely connecting with others. He gravitates towards others like this; Laura (x-23) being an amazing example of this.

He falls into roles faster when he is older or more powerful than another person ie:” Livvy, Gabby, in some cases Laura (Logan Verse). He is invested in keeping them alive and caring for them but it can be very robotic at times and very much at odds with what is acceptable in terms of safety because hes taking what he learned in Gladiator school, in his creche and mashing it up with modern movies and yes he did try and teach Livvy how to kill someone with a lollipop okay yeah he did.

So the thought of having donors? aka: parents? Terrifies him beyond reason. Hes been raised to believe he can do nothing but fail them, and has it hammered in his head from one too many conversations with Mojo that they will kill him on sight for his own loses in the arenas.

Despite all that hes sorta...Really wanting parents. He really wants that support and guidance in his life. But itll take two years of intense therapy for him to cut the ‘i do not have fathers I have donors’ walls hes built up around himself.

His guilt and shame feed into Mojo’s brainwashing all to form a damning concoction that makes even considering reaching out to ricto.r or shatt.erstar almost impossible.

Though when i do get to write with these characters Catalyst’s curious and inquisitive nature ALWAYS gets the better of him and his progression actually speeds up a bit. TBH I genuinely miss those threads since it really strips all the characters defenseless and sometimes its so AWKWARD and its GREAT.

You can see him playing along with the role when with someone like Fabian Cortez where he willingly falls into a fake family dynamic, knowing full well fabian is manipulating him but he just doesnt care and is too depressed and he just wants to know even if its a lie what thats like. His early life on mojoworld prepared him to act like an idiot under the nose of arrogant men. He knows what hes doing and he has accepted the price this fake family costs him.

Still for Catalyst to genuinely feel like he has a family or to be a part of one will take years for him to build solid strong connections with others and probably a mini series or spin off or two where he gets to play supporting roles for them.

[okimargarvez]

YOUR HAPPINESS, MY PAIN

Original title: La tua felicità, il mio dolore.

Prompt: After an accident, Luke loses his memories and believes that he is still with Lisa and not with Penelope.

Warning: a bit of paranormal.

Genre: dramatic, romantic, angst, family, paranormal.

Characters: Luke Alvez, Penelope Garcia, Lisa Douglas, BAU team (especially Jennifer Jareau and Matt Simmons).

Pairing: Garvez (slight LukexLisa).

Note: oneshot 59 in Garvez collection.

Legend: 💏😘🔦👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🎵.

Song mentioned: Sere nere, Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

Note: I written this story ispired by an episode of Braceface, when Alden believes he is still with Sharon and not with Mario, ans Sharon starts to feel again something for him, but she has to leave him free when he gest his memory back.

I used Stephen King’ style for the sentence between the brackets and in bold as thoughts come out from a mysterious area of human’ mind.

YOUR HAPPYNESS, MY PAIN

 -Matt? - despite appearing to be in a healing phase, the man's voice, who is lying in a bed and with a third of his body wrapped in bandages, resounds weak and shuffling. The other one is however able to hear him and approaches him, thus avoiding that he could strain uselessly.

-Yes, man?- he asks, resting his hand on the edge of the sheet.

The injured person tries to sit up, not bearing the idea of having to conduct yet another conversation from that position. -Why is Garcia no longer coming to see me?- he goes straight to the point, instead. Agent Simmons, on the other hand, says nothing, but his eyes cannot help but widen. -Matt?- he repeats, feeling the pressure on his chest increase. And it doesn't just depend on the impact his ribs had to suffer.

The Asian looks away for a second, then sighs. -Do you have a reserve question?- but he is not really interested in this question, so before the other can reply, he anticipates him. -I can't answer for her, Luke.- he feels the need to touch him, to manifest his affection physically. He touches his arm.

Luke feels his breath is about to be ripped off him. Maybe he should call a nurse, press that damn button that dangles over his head like a Christmas decoration. -Is she sick?- is the first thing he thinks; but Matt doesn’t shake his head nor nod. He uses their way of saying yes without explicitly doing so, so as to at least partially have a clear conscience. -Does it concern a case?- this time it is much easier to deny. -You can tell me, I'm not a poor wretch, as you all think.- the Latin complains, trying to change his position in a way to be more convincing. But with just one working arm, the task is quite complicated.

But he still hits the target. -Hey, neither of us thinks so.- the other man reassures him. -But you suffered trauma, a particularly serious one.- he points the bandage that covers his head and that could make him look like an aspiring mummy for a cheap horror movie. -I can only tell you... to think about why you care so much about knowing what happened to her.- it seems an acceptable solution, moreover, he has already discussed it with her, who agreed. -I can’t say more, I am also her friend, not only yours.- a truth that only today turns out to be bitter and sad. Luke falters, feeling the first symptoms of vertigo. Fortunately, he cannot fall, thanks to the banks that surround him. He lets himself slide back under the white blankets.

-I...- he stammers, just for a moment. -I don't need to think about it.- so he recovers a grain of his conviction. -I've always caring about her.- he exclaims, feeling that this is a truth he could never forget. -She is my... (girl) best friend.- again that damned thought that overlaps his words. He stands for a few moments staring at his friend, believing that he too has heard it. Then, from his neutral reaction, he understands that he didn’t say it out loud. Only in his damn head. The strangest thing, though, is that it doesn't sound like his own. It seems something impossible to define. Not a single decent adjective comes to his mind.

-Yeah, but it's not up to me to tell you the precise reason.- Matt stands up, giving him one last look. -Now you have to rest and I have to go back to Kristy.-

Two weeks before

Hearing the cell phone vibrate beneath the mountain of clothes, the woman snorts. She begins to dig, throwing shirts, skirts and trousers all over the room. She is able to find it and answers just before goes the voice mail. She puts the speakerphone out of the corner of her eye, seeing her boyfriend's picture on the screen. -Luke, sorry if I didn't answer you right away, I was looking for...- she continues mechanically rummaging in the closet.

But her hand hangs in midair when she recognizes the voice on the other side of the receiver. -Penelope, listen to me.- Roxy, recalled by the thud of her mistress on the floor, rushes to help her.

Thanks to the help of the dog, the woman manages to get back on her feet, and, sensing the worst, wisely decides to sit on the edge of the bed. -JJ?- she beckons the Belgian shepherd to go up in turn. Sergio pops out from behind the door, but she doesn't notice it. -Why are you answering Luke's phone? Will it not be (dead wounded dead mortally wounded) happened something bad?- she can’t drive away those terrible thoughts from her head. It's not new to her. There has always been a part of her to play the role of herald, messenger, modern Cassandra.

On the other hand, a first hesitation. -Penelope, darling, are you sitting?- the term of endearment becomes like a scalpel that begins to cut open her heart with skill, while invisible hands reflect on which is the best method to dissect it.

-JJ, talk.- she replies, avoiding the friend's question, with a harsh tone rather than a wounded one. -(Do you know) Luke is injured?- and it would be nice if he was only wounded, she thinks, sensing the soft fur of the black cat brushing against her arm not busy holding the phone (as if the future of the entire planet depend on it), remained inert, like dead.

The other blonde also ignores her question. -I'm almost under your house.- she informs her, though. -You have to come to the hospital.- and this is enough to increase the pain in the chest, and the lungs become smaller, and the head spinning. But anything will be fine, as long as he is alive. It won't matter any pain she had to endure, if the Lord will want to grant her the grace to see him alive again, possibly healthy. But we don't claim too much.

She stands up like a spring. -God, oh no, no, no.- but she doesn't cry, she doesn't sob. Because, as she read in more than one book, when you leave yourself go, you also accept the fact itself. And she can't afford it. She's not strong enough. Yes, she's the one who sheds tears for every bullshit (even if they weren't all bullshit), just she even told once Luke, before they became a couple. But in really serious cases, a single tear would be enough to break the dam. -It can’t be true. I...- therefore, the only road that remains to her, until she can see him with her own eyes, is that of absolute negation.

A long sigh. -Honey, we'll make it.- JJ promises, but the other one just hears it like an echo, like something that doesn't concern her. -I'm coming.-

When they arrive, Penelope realizes with extreme disappointment that they aren’t the first. The whole gang is already there. She tries to ignore Andrew's arm around Prentiss's shoulders. She has never been like this before. Jealous of love among other people. -What happened?- she shoots suddenly her question without many preambles, without making her usual mince words. Probably her colleagues and friends had prepared themselves for the sobbing Garcia, who was so much easier to manage. -I want to know everything, every detail.- she increases the dose, pressing a fingernail in the palm of the hand in a discreet way and feeling a little anxiety flow away, along with a few drops of blood. -I want (to die, to reach him, yes, so we will stay together forever, we are destined to be together forever, I will love him forever, ever ever)...- but the Other part of herself has clearer ideas than her counterpart external. It would be nice to be able to merge the two identities, to explain what she really feels. To be able to do it without be pitied or guilty.

The leader of the BAU takes the situation in her hand, breaking away from her boyfriend to walk towards her. Emily has never been so open to demonstrations of affection, as JJ, so she doesn't take the friend's hands in hers, doesn't embrace her. And it's all good, because otherwise the blonde is convinced that she would have collapsed. -Penelope, there is no need for you to know anything else outside that he is still alive, that he is in surgery and that the doctor said there is a good chance...- she doesn’t let her finish, Garcia' voice overlaps hers, avoiding a other kind of thoughts materialize.

-Good chance.- she repeats, in a bitter, ironic, disillusioned tone. -Ok. Okay.- the last thing she sees, before she falls unconscious, is Rossi's arm stretched towards her. When she recovers, she understands that it was not even a real fainting. It lasted too little time, less than a minute and she "woke up" on her own. As if her brain needed to reboot to update the system. -Where is he?- is the first thing she asks, ignoring the man who supports her and who she often has considered as a father. -I need... I need to see him.- she exclaims, but her firmness falters.

-Kitten...- the old founder of the unit calls her, and as it happened with JJ, only an hour before at most, is enough to convince her that it is a sign to make her understand that it's all over.

She shakes out in his grip, like a possessed, but no one of the other people look at her with particular interest. This is a place where such scenes are on the agenda. More or less young men, more or less young women, friends, relatives, children, grandchildren, parents. The manifestation of pain is a universal language. -He's dead, isn't he? He's (rotting corpse, food for worms, young lady you must come to make the formal identification, no I can't, I don't want to remember them like that, mom, dad, Carlos can go in my place, no he's too small, younger, it's your fault, it's) dead.- while she says it, she is mentally transported back in time in the body of a young girl who played the role of a woman, but was not up to it. She shakes her head, unable to stop.

Matt, who had been on the sidelines so far, takes the floor, approaching to try to stop her. -No, he is not dead!- he states firmly, leaving no room for doubt, but an evil voice seems to suggest him a different perspective (not yet). He looks at the blonde, trying to figure out if she has said it, but the woman goes limp in his arms. For a moment they believe that she is about to faint again. But the sound of footsteps in their direction makes her quickly recover.

-Penelope.- the newcomer exclaims, which stands out from the rest of the team because of her blue uniform. Garcia detaches herself from her friend abruptly, not caring about anything and mentally thanking her for not having used a nickname or diminutive.

-Lisa!- the other understands that a hug could have destructive results and simply looks at her, expressing her personal pain only through the eyes.

-As soon as they warned me, I understood that it was Luke.- the others, although clearly interested, remain aloof. -How are you?- she knows perfectly well that it is a silly question, but she must still ask it. The blonde looks at her with her brown eyes, incredibly not shiny. Perhaps, she is even the only one in the waiting room in this condition.

-What do you think?- she replies in a rude way, but even in such a situation she cannot accept her human weaknesses and she hurries to remedy. -Sorry, I...- Lisa shakes her head; some strands escape from her pony tail.

-Don't be, come on, let's go for a walk, you need some air.- she drags her away, exchanging a single glance with JJ, the one that seems the most receptive.

Penelope wastes no time. -You know something, don't you?- she asks, letting herself be guided to a bench and sitting down without even being aware of her actions. -Tell me the truth, please.- she begs her, but doesn’t seem like a humiliation.

The friend nods. She doesn't need to study the words first, she already knows what, and above all, how to say it. -He is serious, but non-life-threatening.- she notices the suspicious look of the blonde. -It's the truth.- she says. -Now you have to be strong, you have to...- a man positions himself exactly in front of them. He waits to have caught their attention before opening his mouth.

-Doctor Douglas?- he asks as a pure courtesy gesture. Lisa stands up, Penelope imitates her with a slight delay. This could be one of the moments of truth, isn't it? Of course, it might not even concern her and Luke at all. Or maybe yes. So why does that voice look pretty quiet, silent? Why doesn't it suggest the most catastrophic hypotheses? She quite misses it. -The patient has successfully make it through the surgery.- silence. Inside and outside her head. Then the brunette touches her colleague's arm.

-Thank you for letting me know.- the man smiles and leaves. -See? Penelope, you are the most positive person I know.- she tries to make her remember the obvious. -You can't give up right now.- she winks at her, even snatching a smile from her. Of course, the idea that he is still alive helps her a lot. But as long as he stays in this hospital, she won't even be able to breathe quietly. Complications are always around the corner. Ask Jim and Melinda on Ghost Whisperer...

-When... when can I see him?- she seems more hopeful, though. She sounds like the usual Garcia. Reassured by her reaction, the friend brushes her shoulder in a gesture of affection.

-Soon.- she laughs at her puff of frustration and after a moment the blonde also imitates her. -Let's go back to the others.- Penelope nods, feeling she has once again defeated her own demons. A century seems to have passed when they return to the waiting room. Trying not to look like hungry for news, they slowly approach them.

-Garcia?- JJ asks on behalf of all.

-He did it!- she exclaims, perhaps with a tone of voice that is too high. A few moments to store information. Tara takes a look from a family group, that is waiting for someone to come out and tell if their mother has passed the surgery. Incredibly, there is no trace of envy, but trust and serenity. There is still hope in the world. -He did it.- the blonde repeats a second later. The girls hug each other, while the men exchange glances and pats on the back, already with a joking attitude, like the worst is over. Lisa leaves them alone to let them enjoy the moment. When she reappears, she brings even better news with her.

-Now he can receive visits.- she communicates them. They all walk along the corridor; they separate between those who prefer to do some motion along the stairs and those who risk fate by taking the elevator. They meet in front of room number 756. Without the need to even discuss the matter formally, the first visitor is established. Emily makes a single gesture with her hand. Penelope grabs the handle, looks at her fingers as if the limb didn't belong to her. And during the brief process of opening the door, before her eyes rest on the body of the man she loves, the voice of the Other returns to keep her company. It fills her head, leaving no room for anything else. (You know that there are a thousand ways to die, die, just an air bubble, pop, it's nobody's fault, the brain doesn’t respond, internal bleeding, external bleeding, why I no longer feel my hand, a fragment of bone pierced his lung, he didn’t suffer, how he loved you, you were such a beautiful couple, condolences... you believe that dying is bad but you will discover that there is something much worse, you will find out, though not now). And, just as it started, it ends, dying out as if it were a voice recorded on a vinyl and someone had raised the needle of the head shell. She sighs and turns to close the door behind her. Luke is lying on the bed, surrounded by white. The bandages contrast enormously with the nuance of his skin. His head is completely wrapped; his eyes closed, but he is not attached to a respirator. With a groan the woman realizes that for a long time she will no longer be able to play with his curls. The right arm has suffered the same fate. Something strange surrounds his chest, always on the right side. And, although she can't see it because of the sheet, she can swear that even his leg (the right one, of course) is in bad shape. Penelope is slowly approaching, almost afraid of being able to hurt him further, but aware of the passage of time. She caresses his healthy arm and bends to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth, unable to resist the impulse. Exactly like their first real kiss, and how long they had discussed about, in this year and a half of relationship, the one claimed that it could already considered as a kiss, the other denied it firmly. But was he the one who turned his head or did she had a terrible aim? No one would ever find out.

She rises, watching him breathe for a while. -Luke, my love, you gave me a heart attack.- she reproaches him, feeling, now that she has finally been able to see him, now that she has him before her, the tears pressing to finally be able to free themselves. -I love you so much.- the first begin to flow down her cheeks. -I can't think that I won't be able to sleep in your arms tonight.- she feels the need for contact with his mouth. -It seems to me they've torn my heart from my chest.- she admits, realizing it with a moment's delay. - But it doesn't matter, ok?- she reassures him. -Everything will be fine.- just one more kiss, but the man doesn’t wake up like the princesses do in fairy tales.

Beyond the closed eyelids and the bandages, Luke dreams. He dreams of his best friend (he has decided to consider her such even though she probably wouldn't want to), for which he has a crush (say things the way they are, Luke, a deep and hopeless "falling in love") that tells him how much she loves him and that especially kisses him. The taste of her red, luscious mouth looks so real. The sense of guilt for having betrayed (albeit in a dream) his girl (because he is certain of having a relationship more than life itself) barely brushes him. Exactly five minutes after the entry of Penelope, the Latin agent opens his eyes and gradually regains his sight. He feels a general daze. He understands that he is in a hospital and attributes these sensations to the medications they will have given him. With a twinge that starts from the neck and reaches the little finger of his foot (the pinky toe, Spencer's voice suggests), he manages to turn around just enough to see a figure near him. Blonde, with one of her hands clasped to his left. -Garcia?- he exclaims, weakly, in what is not understandable if it's a question or a simple expression of wonder. The woman smiles at him softly and adds another pleasant pain to his chest. Someone should ban her from smiling like that.

-Hey.- she just says, trying to let go of his hand, but he doesn't loosen his grip, far from it, he seems to cling stubbornly. Penelope gives up easily. She feared only that she could hurt him involuntarily. She doesn't look very good as a nurse, sexy or real one.

Luke tries to catch his breath. -What... what happened?- he asks her, looking away from her to get an overview of his body. -Why am I here?- he is about to rise, but he is too weak to do it.

-You don't need to move.- she warns him with a dirty look. -You had a trauma, I... I don't know the details, they didn't want to tell me.- it would be more correct to say that she didn't ask them, because to discover the reason why Luke got hurt would just pissed her off with him. Hero syndrome. Fuck.

-Oh.- he replies, probably to save oxygen. -And where... where are the others?- the blonde feels a tiny pinch of jealousy (more sorrow) at the thought that he doesn't want to be alone with her for a little while longer. But it only lasts a moment.

-Outside.- then she replies, coming to her senses. -Do you... want me to call them?- Luke frowns.

-I don't know.- he admits, and from the partial movement he makes, she realizes that he would like to be able to scratch his head, like every time he's uncertain. -I'm... confused.- he sighs, letting out some of the frustration and closes his left hand in a fist.

-Hey, don't get upset, you'll see that... you'll be fine.- she says, hearing the same words she said to Morgan, when they shot his wife and before, to herself, when her chocolate thunder was in danger. -It will be (badly, badly, could not be worse) okay.- she jolts , fearing that he may have heard her true thoughts, but once again she realizes that this is not the case, because in reality what comes out is at the same time an internal turmoil.

In fact, Luke smiles. -You're the most positive person I know.- Penelope welcomes this statement with joy.

-Yeah, they've already told me.- so she bends over to stroke his cheek and notices his confusion, or better, what she had already realized before, but now she understands how this doesn't depend just on his injury or the hospital, but more... her. Her presence here. Like he expected someone else in her place. No, they are only remnants of the paranoia that she felt when they were not yet together.

On the face of the man appears a grimace that she has missed immensely (even if technically he did it only the day before). -If I had known... that it was enough to break my head to... make you be nice (kind) with me, I would have done it before.- Luke feels in his bones that he didn't use the correct adjective to define her, but he doesn't try to fix it. The blonde slips her hand off from the male one who was still holding her.

-Hey, I'm very nice with you!- she pretends to be indignant at the accusation, but, flirt with him like in the old days, she doesn't mind at all.

He also seems to think so in a similar way, continuing to tease her. -Yes, the queen of (ice) nice.- she nods, standing up, even against her will. But the rest of the team has the right to visit him too.

-Exactly.- she resists the temptation to caress him, fearing another strange reaction from him. -I'm going to tell the others that you woke up.- but Luke surprises her.

He stretches out his healthy arm to her body. For his sake, the blonde lets herself be captured. -No, wait, stay (for eternity, don’t go away, what is between us it’s forever, forever ever) a little more.- to abandon herself again in the chair next to his bed is definitely the most simple task that she has had to make today.

-Okay.-

As soon as she comes out, she feels the weight of the eyes of others on her. -So, how is him?- this time Matt is the first to speak. She struggles not to turn back to the room she just left.

-Well... pretty (bad) good.- she narrowly manages to avoid the catastrophe. -He wants to see you all.- she announces, forcing her lips to bend in an encouraging smile. She realizes that Lisa has also remained.

-Better if you go two or three at a time, you will not want to shake him too much.- the latter recommends then, caught by personal deformation. Everyone nods, and they decide to split into two groups. First, excusing the cavalry, it's up to the boys. Emily has noticed the concern of agent Simmons, who now considers Luke his best friend. For this reason, she prefers to give them precedence. The other two women agree.

-Hey, brother!- it is a strange effect to see him so stiff and stuck, but he tries not to let him understand what he really thinks, to not add stress.

Luke greets them, raising his left hand slightly. -Matt, Spence. Rossi.- they are placed on each side of the bed, thus avoiding suffocating him.

-That bandage on your head looks really good on you, you know.- the Asian teases him.

The wounded man closes his eyes and gives a little laugh. -You are always so nice.- he comments. -You have no pity not even for the sick man.- he complains, but he doesn’t need to simulate the pain.

-Of course not.- confirms the friend. -So, what did you thinking, man?- he finally asks, giving voice to the common thought.

-What?- he replies in a bewildered and confused tone, but at first they believe it is another play, to continue their teasing.

-To chase the unknown person alone.- finally says Simmons, starting to harbor some doubts, while a fear makes its way into his mind.

-He's right, Luke.- Rossi adds. -The protocol says that you must always be at least in two, for operations of this kind.- since Gideon has gone, there is no one member of the BAU who is older than him, and everyone sees him as a father figure. With Luke, there's even something more. The inner conflicts due to the Catholic faith and military service made them more similar. Moreover, he was the first to want him in the team, and convincing him was certainly not a small thing.

-And it's not even the first time.- Matt insists again, hinting at some glimpses of his concern, hoping that this will encourage him not to repeat the same mistake in the future.

Luke turns his head, with difficulty, from one to the other, more and more desperate. -I... I don't remember anything.- he says what everyone has now realized. -Total black out.- is about to add tabula rasa, but Spencer's comment silences him beforehand.

-It's a fairly normal reaction, considering the trauma you suffered.- he points out with his calm and professional voice that it has always had the power to calm him and at the same time intrigue him.

He pays tribute to him with a weak smile. -If you say so, Dr. Reid.- the man then runs a yawn. Rossi and Matt exchange a look.

-Hey guys, let him rest.- the eldest takes the floor. -We'll be back tomorrow.- after saying goodbye, they leave room for women. This time, not only seniority counts, but also the rank in the FBI.

-Alvez.- Emily calls him formally, hoping that the coldness can make him come to his senses.

-Ma’am.- he replies almost in the same tone.

The brunette approaches his bedside. -What came to your mind?- she asks in turn. -If you were not forced to stay in the bed, I would oblige you.- and she is not joking.

At this point, JJ also comes forward. -Luke, is it possible that having her at home waiting for you in anxiety isn't enough to stop you?- but hers is a different question. -When will you stop to play the hero?- and she doesn't really need an answer. -You scared her to death, and even us.- he nods faintly.

-I know. JJ...- the blonde takes another step towards the bed. -Where is she?- he doesn’t give her the time to formulate an answer, fortunately; or maybe not. -Where is Lisa?- as soon as he pronounces that name, he feels that something is out of tune. The women exchange a look, but Tara, with her expertise, had already feared it.

-Listen, Luke, rest.- Prentiss orders him. -You're a little confused, it's normal.- and he can't do anything but obey.

 A few steps out of the room, the plan has already been defined in detail. JJ takes on the task of informing her friend of the situation. When they return to the waiting room, she immediately identifies them, despite appearing much more worn than usual. -Garcia.- she calls her. The blonde raises her head and seems to emerge from an abyss. Instead she is going to fall even deeper. Among them there is a special bond, but the two blondes have their own communication channel. Just looking at her blue eyes, she understands.

-He is gone (lost), didn't he?- the other remains motionless. -It's not the same Luke.- she says, in a tone so convinced that barely reveals all the despair she feels. -He doesn't remember me.- then, a little laugh. -About us.- she corrects.

JJ reaches out and grabs her hand. -Oh sweetheart, he suffered a bad trauma, it's normal.- she tries to reassure her, but she feels terrible. For feeling relieved because she didn't have to tell her that thing. And to give her false hope. Because the situation is really horrible.

-No, it's not normal!- she protests in fact, wriggling. -It was so difficult, starting a relationship and I... I don't have the strength to repeat everything.- so the blonde understands that she still lacks a piece of the truth. She sighs.

-Penelope, there is something worse .- she begins, making her understand that it would be better if she sat down, positioning herself next to her.

-What?- she asks and doesn’t even seem worried. It is really hard to imagine anything worse than not being recognized by her boyfriend.

-He... Luke believes he is still...- she feels there is no right way to say it -…with Lisa.- she finally exclaims, feeling the need to cry. -He asked for her.- she adds, perhaps because she hadn't killed her enough. -Garcia?- she calls her, but the other one doesn’t reply. She keeps her eyes fixed in the void. -Penelope?- she recovers.

-I'm fine.- she says, getting to her feet and apparently standing on her own legs.

The other blonde follows her. -It doesn't seem that...- but the woman with glasses stops her.

-No, I'm fine, I have to (put the first piece on my coffin) go talk to her.- she announces, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. No kind of specification is required. She has already read her mind.

-You are not...?- she asks anyway, absurdly hoping to be wrong.

But Penelope nods. -If it's the right thing to do, yes.- she simply replicates. -I don't want to lose also the little I have.- the other can do nothing but watch her run away.

She doesn't waste time. She knows where to find her. -Lisa.- she says. The brunette jumps.

-Hey, Penelope, how is...- but she stops before asking the question. And she almost regrets her decision to not visit him personally, perhaps in the group of the girls. After all, despite what there was been between them, she still cares about him.

-He has lost his memory.- the blonde answers, instead of he is gone. Dead, like she had expected. -Only about the last two years.- she wants to specify. -He thinks...- this time she really gets it, no misunderstanding.

-Oh.- she exclaims, only, and again she changed her mind. Luckily she remained faithful to her thought that seeing Luke in a hospital bed would been "strange". That stand aside would be the best thing for everyone.

-Yes.- Penelope nods, and in fact she is not crying, her voice is not shaking, but she seems so devoid of any feeling... -I talked to the doctor, and he says that telling him the truth would be too traumatic, it could even make him regress more.- she continues, avoiding to cross the eyes of the other woman.

The latter pulls back, falling into a chair, in a way not so different from Garcia' a few hours earlier. -You can't ask me such a thing. Penelope, I love you, we're friends, right?- she asks, but it's simply a rhetorical question. -But it was still tough when Luke left me because his mind was entirely occupied by the thought of another woman.- she admits, and it's the first time she does it. She sighs weakly. -Because he didn't want to make the mistake of betraying me even with the body and not just with the mind.- she adds, with a little bitterness. -And he didn't want a beginning like that for your story.- she concludes, in a softer tone. Because it would have been impossible to hate one of them or to envy their love.

-I...- the other woman falters, clearly surprise. -I never knew...- she shakes his head. -He has always made me understood that yours was a shared decision.- Lisa lets out a thin laugh. She is not really surprised to find out. Telling her the full truth would have been like to admit that someone would be hurt because of their breakup. And how could Penelope agreed to be an accomplice of this?

-No, I'm sorry to be the one that tell you, after all this time and right now.- she limits herself to comment, keeping her thoughts hidden in her soul. -So, you understand, I got over it, because I couldn't hate him for being honest and I couldn't even hate you for being... you.- the blonde shakes her hand and she reciprocates. -But pretending to be again his girlfriend...- she shakes her head strongly, denying it firmly.

Penelope begs her. -Please, Lisa, only for a little.- she intertwines their hands, unconsciously putting herself in the typical position of suppliant. -You don't have to do anything more than stay close to him like I would do it in your place.- stay close to him like I would do it in your place. But if she could give Luke all that, he wouldn't leave her for another woman. Of course, she doesn’t say it out loud.

She decides to play a completely different card. -But you, how can you stand there watching me flirt with your boyfriend?- she asks her, though she is aware of her friend's particular character. There is a limit to everything, though! In her place, in reversed parts, would she have been able to stand it? Needless to ask this question also, since she already knows the answer. Categorical no.

In fact, as she expected, the other makes a weak smile. -If this will help him even just a little, I'll make it, somehow.- and she shrugs. As if to say: it doesn't matter if I feel not good, the only thing that matters is that he feels good. That's why Luke was immediately lost for her. How can someone blame him?

But still Lisa is not willing to give up. -And then what should I do?- she asks, without waiting for a reply. -After a few days break up with him, saying that this situation is really too hard for me to face?- she suggests, with an ironic and bitter smile. -So that you can resume your rightful place?- the only thing on which the whole universe agrees.

The blonde takes her head in her own hands. -I don't know, it wouldn't be so simple.- she doesn't allow herself to bask in this illusion.

-Yes, I can imagine.- she nods. She sighs. -Look, Penelope, I'll think about it and I'll give you an answer tomorrow.- her friend grabs both her hands and gives her a brief hug.

-Ok. Thanks!-

 The next morning, it is not a message or a call to wake Penelope, but the deafening sound of emptiness. And the cry of the absence. And that's when she realizes that she has finally found the opportunity to apply a sad, poignant, profound song that she has loved for a very long time. Quickly she finds it in one of her cell phone playlists. The words of the singer, the Spanish accent, keep her company while she wears clothes. Y volveràn los àngeles, a despertarse con tu café, pasara distraída la noticia de nosotros… Y dicen que me servirà, lo que no mata fuerza te da, mientras pasa el sonido de tu voz por la TV, ¡por la radio y el teléfono resonara tu adios…! Learning that idiom that for almost all of her life had proved arcane, had been one of the first things she had done with Luke. And finally, she was able translate and understand the meaning of this song.

She sighs, taking care of Roxy and Sergio too automatically, but no flawless. Luke has been missing for only a day and a half (rectification: five, if she counts the three out for a case), but it seems to have passed much longer. She gets in the car, driving, reaching the hospital. She takes the stairs, because the elevator is too full and she can't wait. Waiting in front of it would mean allowing her thoughts to take off. Too dangerous. Lisa still didn't let her know anything. But when she reaches the room where her boyfriend is staying, she understands what the choice of the brunette was. Luke is partially embraced to the woman, whose face is hidden by her shoulder and hair. ¡De tardas negras! ¡Que no hay tiempo ni espacio y nadie nunca entenderà! Quedarte puedes, porque la vida duele, duele demasiado aquí sin ti, aqui sin ti, aqui sin ti. The door is only ajar, she could almost think of being able to vanish, but to be indifferent to this show is much more complex than expected. -Hey, sorry I didn't want to (Instead I wanted, those arms around her, those eyes that looked at me, they're mine, yes, it was my idea, yours, mine) to disturb.- she says, in a low voice, with a sad tone, crossing the eyes of both.

-No bother.- the man reassures her. But it's Lisa's gaze that is strange.

Reassured by his words, she decides to get closer to the bed. That much to not seem intrusive towards the couple, but enough to feed her wounded heart. -How... how are you?- she asks, dominating, she doesn't even know how, the impulse to stroke his hand. - A little better?- she is forced to grab it with her other one.

-I don't know.- he replies; on his forehead (what is visible) wrinkles appear. -I try to remember, but I can't be able.- he seems angry with himself. He slips his hand from Lisa's and clenches it in fist. And he's so damn nice. She would like to spend eternity tracing each part of his face with her fingers.

Perhaps recognizing the gaze of the blonde, the other woman hastens to intervene. -I told him to give up, for now, but he doesn't want to listen to me.- she reproaches him with a sweet tone. Is she just a good actress? -He's so damn stubborn.- she adds, and this time there's another kind of nuance, more .. malicious? Something that maybe she/Penelope should have said. We can also remove the maybe. But it was she who told her to behave as she would do it. Lisa is following her to the letter.

-Yes.- she nods, but the pain in her chest is so strong that she need to scream. -Well, then I'm going, I just wanted to see (you, because I miss your fingers in my hair in the morning, it's as if they had torn both my lungs from my chest) how you were.- there is only that solution.

 Unbelievable, hard to believe, but another five days have passed since the "brilliant plan of Penelope" got underway. JJ, after struggling with herself for a long time, yields, opening the door of the BAU IT technician's office. The blonde woman doesn’t even turn around to see who has entered. She seems lost in another world.

Aquì yo estoy y tu no estas, y me distrae la publicidad… entre horarios y el trafico trabajo y pienso en ti… entre puerta y teléfono tu foto me hablara! She approaches, fighting against the urge to hug her without even opening her mouth. -Garcia, hey, are you sure you can do it?- the friend turns the chair in her direction. She is not crying, there are no traces of more or less recent tears on her face. But the pain, the real one, the enormous one, has other ways to manifest itself.

-What else could I do?- she replies with another question. -At least I won't have to think every second to (Lisa hugging him, kissing him, embracing him, he tells her he loves her or I never loved anyone more than you) Luke.- surely Jennifer would be the only one to whom she could confide what really passes through her head. The presence of that cursed voice which is part of her ego and which therefore she will never deny. After all, at the time of her parents' accident, it hit perfectly the target.

She sits on the edge of one of the other desks, as Morgan and Luke did before her, of course. -Are you sure this is the best thing?- she asks her, without having to try hard to sound reasonable.

-I don't see what else I can do.- Penelope replies, quickly looking away, as if considering the argument was closed; needless to waste another breath. -Now we can concentrate on the case?- JJ sighs, accepting (only momentarily) the defeat.

-You know that Luke loves you even if he doesn't remember it, don’t you?- Agent Jareau is the only one who can find the right words to disable the protection system she had to install to avoid collapse. Because yes, you can still die for love, even in the 21st century.

It is only thanks to training if she can respond what JJ wants to hear. -Yes, (no) I know.- and not what really dwells in her heart.

¡De tardas negras! ¡Que no hay tiempo ni espacio y nadie nunca entenderà! Quedarte puedes, porque la vida duele, duele demasiado aquí sin ti, aqui sin ti, aqui sin ti.

But JJ certainly didn't buy it. From that moment the counterattack starts.

 The Asian man waits patiently for the camp to be free before greeting her. -Hello, Lisa.- the serious tone and just barely cordial, combined with the penetrating gaze, is enough to make her understand that something is wrong.

She beckons him to enter the room. -Matt, you scared me.- she says, although it's not entirely true. She had already noticed his presence. -What happens?- she crosses her arms.

The man sighs, but he is not one of those who usually dancing around the main topic. His frankness is one of the things that have always made him nice, for her, in the days when... in short, in the prehistory. -I wanted to talk to you about this situation.- he starts, paving the way. -First, when I went to greet Luke, It seemed to me that I saw you two...- he gestures, looking for the right word. Which is not there. -…How can I say? Very close.- he says. Lisa is silent. -A little too much.- he adds, along with a clear look.

The woman steps back a little with the chair. -Well, it's my boyfriend, isn't he?- she replies, trying to sound nice, but too defensively.

Just what Simmons needed to confirm the hypothesis developed with JJ. -Lisa, I always liked you, but Penelope...- pause due to the need to reject the anger towards the whole mess and the thought of the blonde, alone -...I love her so much, that you can't imagine it.- Lisa bites her lips and nods. It's not really that hard to guess, she thinks. -And I wouldn't want her to suffer because of her excessive generosity.- he explains, in an even harder voice, though not entirely on purpose.

-I only did what she asked me.- she replies, raising her hands in a gesture typical of someone who feels guilty. -It wasn't my idea.- she adds, in an almost childish tone, completely new to her, which Matt had never heard her use.

-I know, but you're sure that, when Luke recovers, will you be able to put yourself aside?- he asks her directly. -That's what worries me.- the man opens his arms. -And Penelope worries too, but she would never have come to tell you. You know it.- a slight smile ripples the lips of the Asian, full of affection towards his friend.

Lisa stands up and he imitates her. -You've always been nice to me, that's why I'll tell you the truth.- he's ready for anything. -I don't know.- or maybe not.

He shakes his head, cursing the whole situation. -Do you still feel something for Luke?- then the question changes, though not in substance.

The woman takes a moment to reflect on the answer. -I didn’t think so.- but it sounds bad. -But having to stay close to him, again though, it awakened something in me.- damn, obviously. -And not only in me, if you understand what I mean...- but as they say, there is no limit to the worst. And about this, Matt hadn't really thought of.

He takes a breath. He wouldn't want to go that far. -I can't believe I'm really going to say what I'm about to say.- she just looks at him and her expression doesn't waver at all. -Nobody prepares you for such extreme situations at Academy. Luke loves you, of course.- the "but" is coming. She can already feel it in the air. -But what he feels for Garcia...- Lisa prevents him from concluding.

-I know, it's another thing, right?- a bitter smile. -And if it is really so, it will emerge anyway, if this love is really so great, whatever I do.-

 Finally, after a week and a half of total hospitalization, the news arrives: Luke will be released within a few hours. And this is how another problem emerges, which no one, including the little genius, had taken into consideration. After only three months of relatioship, Agent Alvez had decided to get it all out on the table. He couldn't stand to fall asleep with his fingers wrapped in the gold and wake up with nothing next to him. So, returning from a case, not caring (or perhaps taking advantage of it shamelessly) of the fact that she was still half asleep, he had asked her: why can't we live under the same roof? And she, trembling with fear (but not the one to take this step that she had denied his predecessors, but because responding to him positively was too easy, for someone who had always said she was against) had said yes.

But the woman that Luke expects to find at home is not blonde, doesn’t wear glasses, is not his colleague. And not only. And it is Garcia who proposes the idea, the only solution, during the exceptional meeting of the entire team. Making all her (and their) traces disappear from that apartment. Rossi, JJ and Matt are the first to propose themselves to help her in what seems like a great madness. An absolute error. But they respect her will, because, in effect, finding sheets with unicorns printed on them could give rise to some doubt in Alvez' mind. And if the doctor said it's too dangerous...

While filling the umpteenth box with bad rose novels, Simmons makes another attempt to make her talk. -Are you sure you want to keep these?- and maybe even laugh. In short, to provoke a reaction. They would settle for anything. But the woman doesn’t respond, remains closed in her thoughts, while inside her two different entities are fighting. Y lucho contra el silencio hablando con el, y he limado tu ausencia solo junto a mis brazos… y si me quieres tu ya no me veras, si menos me quieres yo mas estaré allí, y si me quieres tu ya no me veras, si menos me quieres yo mas estaré allí, allí, allí, ¡lo juro!

He doesn't need to be Spencer Reid to understand how the gesture of removing her things from what was her home until the morning before, symbolically amounts to saying that her story with Luke is over. JJ bursts when, while sheets and pillows are being changed, Penelope seems absent from the real world for at least five minutes. It is not difficult, at least for a woman, at least for her best friend, at least for who killed someone to protect her... it is not so complicated to guess what kind of thoughts she is doing. She imagines preparing the bed in which she is aware that her husband will do things, especially sex, with another. A sort of authorized betrayal. And the confirmation comes when the blonde with glasses bursts out laughing without warning. A laugh without joy, which also draws the attention of the two men in the other room.

-Pen...- she calls her, gently, as if she were dealing with one of her sons. But she shakes her head, closing her eyes tightly. -Garcia, this situation has lasted too much.- she says, feeling anger rising. -I can't stand to see you stay like that.- and in the end, she gets what she hoped for. Penelope explodes, talking nonsense, like a madwoman, and frightening them all.

-Like that, Jennifer?- she doesn’t remember the last time she called her by full name. -I'm fine.- no break between one sentence and another. -Luke is fine.- she glances at the anonymous military green sheet. -All (are dead) are fine.- then she starts to fix up, as if nothing had happened. -This is all.- she says. Time goes by too fast. -No, I also think...- she starts to sway -…of having to take a break, a...- and she faints, fortunately, falling right on her bed. JJ exchanges a look with Matt and decides that this is more than she is willing to endure. Rossi signals them with his hand to go and discuss it too. He will stay with his kitten.

-Did you talk to Lisa?- she shoots the question immediately.

And the man also responds promptly. -Yes.- but he doesn’t add fundamental details.

-And what did she say?- but then the blonde lets herself go to a bitter smile. -No, I already understood. Everybody is crazy about Alvez, true?- Matt nods. Their sighs resonate almost together.

-Already. It would have been better to give him the coup de grace.- he says, and he really thinks so. -It couldn't have been worse.- they both chuckle in desperation.

Then the woman voices her true greatest concern. -I think Penelope wants to leave the team. And I don't blame her.- but it's not the same as saying she is willing to accept it.

-Not even I, but we can't allow it.- Simmons says. -How can Luke recover his memory, if she never even show herself?- yes, because after that episode, i.e. the first time she saw them together, hugged, the blonde had decided to stop going to see him.

And JJ knows the reason perfectly. -He's never alone, that's why she never visited him again.- but she doesn't want to hate Lisa. Before this mess, she had never given her reason to do so.

-Ok, so what can we do?- the man doesn’t have problems leaving the command to her.

-We have to tell him the truth.- JJ decides. -I don't see any other solution.- the man nods. -Before they arrive here.- Rossi peeps. -Garcia is now more dead than alive. Nobody knows her as well as me.- by now her blue eyes are shiny. -Morgan will also be her chocolate thunder and Luke her other half, but I'm her best friend.- she says, proudly and fierceness. -And I can recognize every nuance in her eyes.-

Unfortunately, however, fate doesn’t seem to think as them. A terrible case arrives, just what it takes to spur Garcia in the direction of sending her resignation to Prentiss (already filled in every detail). And both Agent Simmons and Agent Jareau are forced to leave.

Luke, of course, is not in a position to follow them. But his special nurse is taking care of him. When he sets foot in his apartment (but he shouldn’t have thought their apartment?) the Latin feels a series of strange sensations. First vertigo. Every room, every piece of furniture seems to have a veil in front of it, the ghost of objects that are not there, like that bookcase, too bare, and in fact seems to be missing something. Phantom limb, suggests that voice, which had given him a respite for a while. He feels something missing, but he is convinced that it's something he never had; indeed, something missing from the whole house, the x hidden in each equation (Penelope, it repeats like the whisper of a spirit). And this thought, even if he doesn't really consider it his own, makes him feel guilty. Because Lisa was so fantastic with him. She has endured all the problems given by the quantity of bandages that cover him; she was been comprehensive and didn't even scold him so hard. And it made him feel good. Kissing her is pleasant. Of course, it is, she's your girlfriend, isn't she? (No, it is not). The scent of her hair and her body makes him feel safe. But... there should never be a but after such a sentence, he thinks, this time with his own internal voice. He has always believed that True Love, for those chosen ones who can experience it, doesn’t know “ifs” or “buts”. Is that why he can't get to sleep? Or because he fears that the woman might inadvertently touch one of his injured limbs? Why does he feel guilty for thinking more about another woman than the one who rests next to him now? Or worse, why he rejected her, using the excuse of pain due to the injuries (But if I were with you I would endure anything), but in reality, why for a moment Garcia's face had overlapped with Lisa's, the taste of her lips had looked different, and even the voice that had spoken his name in a pantomime was different from that of Dr. Douglas? Different, but by no means unknown.

These, that we could call "interferences", are what prevents him from committing the Mistake (necessarily with a capital letter), what would really mark the end of everything.

And he can only stay awake in the dark room, on his back, mulling over what he feels for the blonde. And when, at four thirty-six in the morning, his body (and consequently his mind) surrenders, a song rocks him like a lullaby, despite the words being poignant and full of pain. ¡De tardas negras! ¡Que no hay tiempo ni espacio y nadie nunca entenderà! Quedarte puedes, porque la vida duele, duele demasiado aquí sin ti, aqui sin ti, aqui sin ti. And it should not be added that he dreams that it's Penelope the one who sings this for him, while caressing his face and hair.

The day after the team's return, or three from his return home, Luke suffers a collapse, more mental than physical, which first of all worries Lisa, who decides to send him back to the hospital. This is where the conversation with Matt takes place, which increases the doubts of the Latin regarding what he feels towards Garcia and his decision to break up in any case with Lisa. But doing it now, after how she behaved with him... it would seem ungrateful.

The friend has given him time to reflect on his words, but when he is about to add more, following the plan drawn up with JJ, this latter enters, immediately taking the floor. -Luke, look, are you sure you can handle it?- she asks. Matt understands that the woman is ready to blurt everything and send to hell the consequences.

-Yes.- the Latin nods, scratching his arm, in the healing phase. -I think there's something very important I forgot.- the blonde smiles triumphantly.

-Yes.- she approaches his bedside. -I don't want to be the one to remind you, but... Penelope...- when she is about to say it, Simmons anticipates her.

-She has a crush on you!- he exclaims, with a little too much emphasis. -Yes, it's this.- he says. JJ looks at him halfway between upheaval and anger. He apologizes with his eyes, trying the same things towards himself. Why didn't he let her finish?

At the same time, Luke opens his eyes and mouth in disbelief. -She... for me?- he repeats. - Really?- both nod. -How could I forget such thing...- but JJ has been patient for too long time.

-Yes, but you're engaged to Lisa, aren't you?- she asks, just waiting for an affirmative nod. -So it is hard for her... not to see you happy, no, never think so.- she warns him. -But, in short, put yourself in her shoes. It is as if she had to face all over again.- this sentence can also be interpreted in another sense. -And she doesn't have the strength.- she looks at Simmons, who agrees with her. -This is all you are allowed to know.- she moves, already in the direction of the door.

-So, there's more.- Alvez replies with stubborn tone.

She doesn’t answer him, and beckons Matt to follow her. -Come on, Matt.- it sounds like an order. But the other is not willing to give up.

-No, wait.- he pleads. -She... Penelope, how is she now?- JJ bites his lips. -I would like... I need to (touch her, hug her, hold her to me and melt with her, it’s just us, that collar for Roxy, no it's not good, your abuela called, be careful, Luke, please, I learned Spanish for you, I) seeing her.- he is forced to plug his ears, catching strange looks, for silencing that cacophony of voices in his head.

-The blonde sighs, crossing her arms. -I'm sorry, but... right now she can't.- it sounds categorical, but she only gets to shake him more.

-JJ, what happened?- he jumps on the bed, risking to fall. -You have to tell me.- she can’t know how to get out. -I have the right to know.- and it wouldn't be true, if he weren't her boyfriend. The woman swallows, uncertain, aroused by the possibility of fixing everything. She was going to do it a moment ago, wasn’t she? But maybe Matt is right. Luke has to figure it out alone.

-I can't betray her, and I've already leaked too much.- she replies. -Look for the answers inside you, okay?- after giving him a gentle caress on the cheek, she vanishes, and with her also Matt.

 Less than five minutes later, Lisa finds him trying to figure out how to wear his clothes to leave. -Luke, what the hell are you doing?- she exclaims worriedly. And it happens again. He doesn’t see the Latin brunette, but a shapely blonde with her hair gathered in two childlike braids, not a hospital uniform on her, but a smudged white coat. Too many details affect his different senses. Perfumes and odors; flavors (of her skin, her mouth and other things that make him blush, even if he doesn't notice); warm and soft sensations. Returning gradually to reality, the man strives until he is sitting on the bed. He doesn't even feel pain. Lisa stares at him and seems about to cry. This vision sends him even more short-circuited. He almost sees himself consoling her in a flash... but the woman is not Lisa, no, it's clear, it's Penelope. He's too in love with her to be able to ignore it. Although... too many details to believe that it was just about daydreams. Too realistic. -Oh.- Lisa exclaims, transporting him definitively in the present. He looks at her and she nods. She understood that this time it is up to her to make the generous gesture (even if she can never compare herself to Penelope): she must let him go. -Go to her, room 432, and... Luke, if you can, forgive me.- Luke nods, but in reality, his mind is exclusively focused on the newly acquired datum. A hospital room means that she is also hospitalized here. That's why she never came to visit him. How and for what absurd reason did the team not tell him? How long? What happened to her? Many questions to which he wants to find immediate answers.

 Walking is not so terrible now that the head has stopped spinning. Outside the room he meets Matt, who unexpectedly smiles at him.

-What the hell...?- he starts to ask, to complain, but his friend's gaze tells him that it would all be wasted time. He stares at the door imagining the worst.

-Luke, since you had that, let's call it, "accident"... Garcia barely ate, drank, lived. She practically let herself die.- he informs him, as if he were talking about whatever and the Latin would like to punch him... if he didn't have a bandaged arm and he doesn't needs the other to keep his balance. -If you think you can do it, come in.- he adds, before leaving him alone. Luke sighs and opens the door. Penelope is there, motionless or almost, wires that start from anywhere in her arms. Her fair skin is even whiter. Her glasses are on her bedside table. She is so vulnerable and beautiful (like in the morning, when you spend at least ten minutes watching her rest and you think there is nothing more wonderful in the world). This time he doesn't reject that voice. He sits next to her. The parts are reversed, now it is up to him to watch over her. He caresses her cheek, her hands, and fragments of images start peeping into his mind. However, they don't get the effect of confusing him, as before, like when he was with Lisa and imagined Garcia in her place. In the end, the contact with her body is powerful enough to make him remember. Everything. From his stupid impulsive choice to run after the unknown subject without waiting for Reid, to everything that precedes that moment. He remembers the exact moment when he confessed to Lisa his true feelings. He remembers the sense of guilt for not having told everything to Penelope. And he remembers above all their first kiss, which certainly didn't happen thanks to the courage of one of the two, but by pure mistake. He remembers the way she had looked at him, as if she wanted to apologize but hadn't had the strength. He remembers that, after hearing him declare his love, she asked him in a desperate tone to hold her hand, all night long, because she was afraid. And with memories, awareness also comes. And the understanding of the sacrifice that Penelope, his girlfriend (and finally the two identities agree) made for him. Unable to withstand the blow, he bursts into tears, as hadn’t happened for some time.

His sobs are strong enough to wake the woman. Even if she doesn't wear glasses, she's pretty sure she saw right. Agent Alvez is crying bitterly at her bedside. -Lu... what...- she tries to say, but she's too weak, and she gives up soon. The man realizes that she is looking at him and doesn’t have time to push back the instinct to kiss her. With the few strengths left, she tries to reject him.

Luke doesn't feel bad, knowing what he knows now. -Penelope, my love, you are (everything I have, what I want, what I will ever want, what I don't deserve, what I dream of, the sun, the moon, the stars, the oceans, the mountains, the deserts, the swamps, the forests, the thunderstorms, the universe) awake.- and he could swear to have said it aloud.

She looks at him, more and more confused and lost. -What are you... doing...- the man caresses her cheek and then brushes her lips.

-Shhh, it's all right, now, I'm here, I'm back.- the last word is enough to make her understand everything. Even if she is terrified of believing it. She wouldn't come out alive of it if she was wrong.

-You're back.- she repeats, while her eyes begin to produce tears.

Luke leans over her. -Yes, I came back to you.- Penelope smiles and closes her eyes again, maybe she thinks it's a hallucination, maybe she just wants to enjoy the warmth of his breath on her forehead. But then she suddenly opens them again.

-But Lisa...- he shakes his head. Pause. -You chose me.- she says, as if struggling to believe it possible. But basically, she felt the same thing even when she woke up with his arms around her waist every morning.

-I'd always choose you.- he says, firmly. -At any time, in any condition, in any parallel universe.- neither of them really stopped crying. -I can't believe what you did for me, or rather, I believe it, but...- but Penelope needs to know one thing first.

-Are you sure it wasn't better to stay with Lisa?- she asks, something she always wanted to ask him, but she never found the courage because... she feared an affirmative answer that would have sent him back from the other woman. -I know you said she's perfect.- she adds, as a kind of justification.

Luke doesn’t deny. -And she is... but you know what? Love is not perfection.- the healthy hand flows through her hair. -Anything but that. Love also includes suffering, it is not being equal, but finding a way to fit stuck together.- he smiles at her and she cannot avoid imitating him. -And you're my convex half.- a new way to say to fall madly in love with.

-For me... For me what matters...- she swallows -the only thing that matters... for me, it's that you're happy. That you are well. Your happiness.- the man nods, but then changes expression.

-At your expenses?- he asks, but it's a question he already knows the answer to. - Penelope, never do something like that again, no, don't look at me with that little face, I'm not scolding you, but look, look what you you're done to yourself.- he points to her body and the drips in her arms. -A trivial phrase: you are my happiness. Nothing else. And if you're not happy, how can I be so?- she sighs, letting Luke dry her face with his fingers.

-Now... I’m.- she says, in a dazed voice for the medicines and the various shortcomings. -Could you just... hold my hand until I fall asleep?- he nods, while the last piece goes to the right place in his memory. This is how their story began, the first time; it couldn’t but start again in this way.

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[amplesalty]

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985) & Scream, Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street (2019)

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you...

I feel like I’ve mentioned Nightmare 2 a few times on here but it never had it’s own dedicated entry so I’ve had a rewatch of it on my mind for a while now. That was only hastened when I recently learned of ‘Scream, Queen!’, a documentary cantered around Mark Patton who plays the lead character Jesse in 2.

Amongst the less than favourable reviews Nightmare 2 has, it also has the reputation of the ‘gayest horror movie ever’ which lead to the typecasting of Patton and him walking away from his acting career. It’s not something I was immediately aware of on my initial viewing of it, certainly there are a lot of moments that with that in mind stand out upon rewatching and a few that are less than subtle, such as Jesse going to a gay bar in the middle of the night only to run into his gym teacher. Some of it seems a little too much like people trying to read into things that aren’t there, like it seems people point out an early scene where Jesse gets into a tussle with one of his classmates Grady during a softball game. Grady rips Jesse’s trousers and they have a bit of a roll around on the grass before being separated. There are doubtless hundreds of examples of kids getting into fights like that across TV and cinematic history that people wouldn’t point out as examples of homoeroticism. But when you couple that with moments like a later scene where Jesse runs away from his girlfriend as they’re about to have sex, only to seek solitude with Grady and they have this exchange:

“There’s something inside of me. And last night it made me go into my sister’s room. And tonight with Lisa in the cabana, it started happening again.” “I think you are seriously losing it, bro.” “I’m scared, Grady. Something is trying to get inside my body.” “Yeah, and she’s female, and she’s waiting for you in the cabana. And you wanna sleep with me.”

You can perhaps see why people might start drawing conclusions from other scenes.

That ‘something’ is Freddy who is seemingly manifesting himself through Jesse into the real world. Up until that point though, the lines have been very blurry as to whether or not Freddy is actually back or whether Jesse is just going crazy, caught up in the wild stories of this vengeful killer from beyond the grave and becoming some sort of copycat.

It’s that part of the movie that I really like, this gray area where you’re not sure exactly what’s happening. It’s something the Nightmare series is able to explore with its switching between the normal and dream worlds but it’s taken to another level here, rather than just use that to build suspense as to whether a character is in danger due to Freddy being present in the dream world, you can see Jesse descending into this madness and are left to wonder whether or not he’s the one actually the one committing these murders.

Things can be a little disorientating at times due to the editing which I’m not sure is intentional or due to them making cuts. I think there’s a couple of occasions where things will pick up in the morning with Jesse wearing one set of clothes, then jumping to lunch time at school or in the evening back home where he’s wearing different clothes, inplying a day or more has passed. I suppose it does add to the atmosphere in a way but it also comes off a bit weird to me.

The movie is pretty much entirely in the real world so it lacks the creative and unique kills that often arise when people slip into slumber and into Freddy’s realm. But it does feature a scene where Freddy finally emerges into the real world and terrorises a high school party. You don’t really get that widespread sense of panic elsewhere in the series, there’s often that sort of low level of ongoing dread once the group of kids realise what’s happening and fear the next time they fall asleep but Freddy often kills people when they’re alone so it’s a change to see dozens of kids trying to escape, trampiling each other as they try and break through a gate or climb a wall. Apparently Wes Craven didn’t like this scene as it made Freddy look silly by having him surrounded by a bunch of muscular jocks. I find that a little strange though since, yeah Freddy might not be the most imposing figure size wise but his body is pretty much one giant, oozing sore complete with knives for fingers so I’m pretty sure he’s going to come out on top in terms of intimidation. Not to mention all the supernatural shit he’s seemingly conjuring like turning the pool into a boiling pot and summoning up pillars of fire.

I feel like this is where things take a sharp downturn, having the manifestation of Freddy emerge kinda removes all doubt and also takes Jesse out of the movie until the very end. It just feels a little anti climatic to have this big final battle suddenly fought by Jesse’s girlfriend who falls back on the trope of ‘I know you’re still in there, I love you!’ as she implores Jesse to fight back and finally overcome Freddy. So much for that gay subtext if it’s hetro love that finally saves the day.

Going into this rewatch, I had this built up very highly in my head which I don’t think it was able to live up to. Possibly because this years Invisible Man has surpassed it in my head as the really good example of that ambigious horror I like so much. Like Elisabeth Moss in that film, Patton has a real good look to him here in getting across the anxiety that Jesse is going through.

And to draw comparison to another Universal horror, there’s something of a Jekyll and Hyde or Wolfman to Jesse, the way he worries about this transformation that he’s going through and about the thing inside him coming out. During that scene at Grady’s place, Freddy emerges from Jesse’s body almost like a butterfly breaking free of it’s cacoon. Maybe that’s what everyone is talking about when it comes to the gay themes, that sense of discovery taking place amongst young adults and the angst surrounding whether or not they really want to reveal their true selves to a world that, as we’re unfortunately discovering more and more these days, still isn’t ready to accept everyone even nearly 40 years after this movie came out.

So for the documentary – Scream, Queen is an appropriate name for more than just the play on the ‘scream queen’ moniker given to notable horror movie actresses like Jamie Lee Curtis, and the obvious double meaning with it being focused around Patton’s sexuality. There’s quite a few instances of him delivering screams during Nightmare 2 which is a little unusual for a male character in a horror movie, not least a lead like he was. Plus it’s a little unusual for a male to be the lead at all, ‘last girl’ and all that, especially in the Nightmare franchise, all the other ones I’ve seen so far are female led.

They talk about the negative reputation the movie has and highlight a lot of internet comments about the sexual themes, a lot of slurs in there and comments like ‘Jesse screams like a girl’. Well wouldn’t you if some burn victim grabbed you in your house, ran knived fingers across your face and then ripped the top of his head off to expose his brain? I don’t doubt for a second that there are scores of people out there who would write this off due to this, I would hope that those are just a minority and if people don’t like it that they have legitimate reasons for that.

It’s a very eye opening story because even after learning about all this ‘gay subtext’ surrounding the movie and Patton’s departure from acting, I hadn’t really thought about the wider reasons behind that. Like, you hear about him being typecast and you just think that he doesn’t want to be pigeon holed into just playing one type of character or that it was hard to find work in those roles because not many of them existed. But it’s much deeper and more disturbing than that, delving into the emergence of the disease into the wider public knowledge during the 1980’s and the panic surrounding that. They show archived headlines and TV clips, with one member of the public being interviewed on the news saying “what they’re doing is abnormal...they’re not fit, they’re not human beings”. It’s painted as a bit of a witchhunt, with tabloids trying to out any closeted Hollywood stars and Patton tells a story of being duped into divulging information on his own boyfriends illness. With blood tests implemented for any prospective actors and him being advised to look and act a certain way to be more palatable to casters, he’s being asked to deny who he truly is.

For as much as the movie looks at the darker period of his formative years and him walking away from Hollywood, it’s encouraging to see his re-emergence into the public eye and embracing the fandom surrounding the movie, taking part in conventions and screenings that shun the negativity and instead see the role as empowering, encouraging people going through similar situations and being something of a role model.

The film culminates in a sit down talk between Patton and Nightmare 2’s writer David Chaskin who he feels has thrown him under the bus whenever talk of the ‘gay subtext’ has come up, having long denied any such thing before slowly changing his story and claiming that it was the casting that ruined the movie. Just before this there is footage of Patton and Jack Sholder at a convention where Sholder comes across as a little condescending. He’s basically telling Patton that directing his ire at Chaskin is misplaced and that he should drop the whole thing given it’s been 30 years. There’s an element of truth to that but I think it’s understandable that Patton would feel that way, especially when he points out that it’s only recently that Chaskin has taken ownership of the subtext now that we’re living in a more understanding time where it’s perhaps viewed as a brave move to introduce this kind of element. It’s going to be hard to look past someone enabling more vitriol by pinning problems on you.

The talk between Chaskin and Patton is a little awkward and it comes across like they’re there for different purposes, Chaskin trying to lighten the mood periodically where Patton keeps a serious tone, challenging Chaskin on some of the comments he’s made.

There’s one in particular where Chaskin suggests that the movie could be played at conversion camps....yikes.

Patton openly saying beforehand that he’s looking for an apology but I don’t know if he exactly got that. Chaskin says he hopes Patton can forgive him and that there are previous comments he made that he regrets but it comes across a little laboured. Maybe there was more said whilst the cameras weren’t rolling or maybe Patton is just accepting what little he can get from the experience in order to bring some closure to the whole thing.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Should I (25F) break up with boyfriend (29M)?

We’ve been together 5 years. We were together 1 year, then had a LDR for 2 years, then lived together for 1 year, followed by another 1 year LDR (we went to different universities after the first year going out). My doubt in the relationship began while living with him, when I noticed my sex drive for him went to zero. This could be because we had been long distance for 2 years and I was used to not having sex regularly. I feel it was also a mix of different reasons: 

He is disorganised while I am organised. His disorganisation in both his life and personal space stresses me out leading me to have to take responsibility to organise things in both circumstances. He is clean in other areas of the house however.

He is quick to anger /sarcasm/insults/debate. He does this to everyone, and I don’t think he means bad by it, it’s just a personality trait but can be grating when you’re exposed to it everyday. I am not argumentative by nature and find the constant sarcastic remarks demeaning. He also gets very angry when playing games.

He is a hypochondriac complete with having constant pains doctors cannot diagnose. This means he is often complaining about this health (real or not, who knows) and sometimes means we cannot enjoy going out. I’d say 70% of our conversations involve his health.

Can be annoying in social situations. I actually prefer social situations when he is not around; he is an extrovert and outgoing, and talks A LOT. But, it’s to the point that he dominates the conversation and as I am quite quiet means when I do want to say something or get involved, it’s more difficult. Although, I also appreciate he can fill in silence.

He may have a gaming addiction. I also like gaming, but not the point it dominates my life. He always wants to play or is playing, even when we are cooking meaning we don’t talk. That being said I am more of a film-lover and like to discuss films and art - he does not have this interest so I don’t have a outlet for this interest with him, including the fact we don’t like the same films apart from sci-fi/fantasy/mainstream cinema.

Some of these things are just personality traits that I see present in his other family members (disorganised, sarcastic, talkative), and I don’t think they can be resolved. That being said, he also has good qualities: caring, loyal, likes to cuddle, likes to travel, enjoys sci-fi, likes to cook and try different food, can be very cute/funny when we are alone (I do not find his humour when we are around other people funny however), I enjoy gaming with him (apart from the above), he is intelligent, likes animals & the environment, cares about his health and exercises.

My doubt in the relationship grew while living together as said, and again when we have been apart due to COVID. I am an introvert and have been really enjoying this time apart – I have doing things I haven’t been able to do while doing my studies and hanging out with him, particularly as he doesn’t really enjoy alone time. I have not missed him at all. Sometimes, I feel like my life is put on hold when we hang out because we have to decide what to do together, as you do in a relationship. We usually end up gaming or compromising on something to watch. I feel like I have been ‘finding myself’ again and realised sometimes I feel like a weaker version of myself when I’m around him.  

I feel confused because for the most part he is a great guy, we’ve been through a lot together and there isn’t one big thing that is making me feel we should break up, it’s lots of small things. Sometimes I feel in my gut I do want to break up, while other times i’m not sure if that’s just my stupid 25-year-old brain talking and that i’d be missing out on a good guy. That being said, I feel anxious about the idea of us moving in together due to his disorganisation/messiness and the lack of ‘me’ time.

I would really appreciate any advice i.e. do you think i’m ‘settling’? there are so many small issues, some of which I don’t feel will change - what is a tolerable amount of negatives in a partner? how do you know if you love a long-term partner romantically vs. as just a person/friend?

____________

I want to say right from the start that this is a really fun and engaging question. Why? Because it has a LOT of moving parts to it, and also, because it's very clear that you have approached writing this message to me with a lot of thought and maturity. I know how easy it is for someone to just spam-type a message in a fit of concern and panic. Sometimes people need that, they just need to spit out their feelings to someone else, and then get a response, and then they feel better. But it's clear that for you, this issue is serious, you have a lot of concern wrapped up in it, and you want a proper resolution to this, and it seems you're happy with any resolution you get as long as it feels like it's guiding you. So let's try to find something.

Firstly, I want to say that you're perfectly valid in your understanding is very valid. One thing that struck me is that you said that you believe that there's no big problem, but instead, it's a lot of small problems that are bringing you to feeling the way you do. And that's okay. It can sometimes feel selfish to say that it's just the little stuff. When you hear someone say, "Oh my partner is abusive," your brain thinks, "Oh yeah, they should definitely leave." They might say, "My boyfriend is alcoholic and ruining his life," YO GET OUT OF THAT BAD RELATIONSHIP. But then you look at your own, and think, what is my partner doing wrong? "Well, it's not one thing or the other, but a million small things." You say that and then think, "Well that's not fair. I mean he has his faults, but don't we all?"

That sort of thinking justifies us settling, which is the other point you raised. One thing that needs to be mentioned is that settling down isn't a bad thing. That's actually a very positive quality! But if we're settling with someone who doesn't actually, truly make us happy, that is where any anxiety around settling actually comes from. Okay, but is he a bad person? Is he not making us happy? That's harder to answer, which is why you're so concerned about it. It sucks, because the answer is not as easy as you want it to be, so it creates more uncertainty about your actions.

What do? Well, let's try to work through some of these issues and see what can actually be changed, and what topics are more difficult.

He's disorganized.

I can definitely understand how frustrating and stressful it might be to be in a messy place. I'm definitely that unorganized dude, and I know it's pretty bad compared to most people. There are a lot of reasons people are disorganized, and there are a lot of different levels to that disorganization. For instance, most people who see my house would probably say, "JESUS THAT'S FILTHY HOW DO YOU LIVE," but for me, it doesn't bother me at all, because I don't care about it. But although my cleaning habits are poor, my organization is extremely high. Not everything is in the perfect place, but I know where everything is, and if you said, "I need a screwdriver" or "where are your car keys," I'd have an immediate answer for you. Although I'm disorganized with cleaning, it doesn't meaningfully impact my life.

So the question comes: is your boyfriend just bad at cleaning like me, but is actually quite structured and organized; or, is his disorganization affecting him. Does he lose things frequently? Is he not sure where things belong, even to himself? Is he the sort of person who just puts something down and immediately forgets it? It's all nuanced, so you have to diagnose this yourself.

What I can say to all of this, however, is that disorganization is very fixable. I don't clean due to my depression and ADHD making me not want to; it's all mental. But if I had someone whip me and make me clean, that's a thing that inspires me. I don't care of my space is messy, but I care if someone else thinks it is. What inspires your partner is different from me, but I think this issue is fixable, because you have the power to instill good habits in them.

What you need to do is SHOW THEM how to be more clean and organized, and then emphasize when they aren't organized. Like I said about my situation, I don't personally care when things get messy. I need to be reminded, because my mind doesn't see the mess. This is likely true of your partner as well, so be his eyes; let him know when things are disorganized, and start showing him gently how to be more organized. "Gaming stuff should be by the TV/computer, no dishes or cups outside of the kitchen unless you're actually using them, no clothes on the floor ever." Simple stuff like this can hopefully make his brain go, "Oh, yeah, good idea," and he will just do them. Again, HOPEFULLY, it's not that he's just a wastrel who likes litter in his house, but that his brain doesn't realize it's messy. Instilling in him these better habits could potentially change his behaviour, as long as you exercise both gentleness and firmness in equal regard.

He is quick to anger, sarcasm, insults, and debate.

This is a bit trickier. This is one one of those things that is harder to influence, as you imagined, because it's more of his actual personality. But there are several facets to this, some that are easier to change, and some that are harder to affect. For instance, you say that you aren't argumentative by nature, but he is. They key here is, are you engaging in his arguments? Sometimes arguments have value, but you need to determine the value on the fly when the argument is occurring. If you ever find yourself disconnecting or getting upset over an argument that's occuring, you need to put your foot down and say,

"Listen, I'm sorry, but I don't want to argue. Can we talk about this when we've had a moment to relax?" or "I don't want to fight with you, I'm sorry. Can we just let this one go?" Trying to deescalate situations like this can often stop arguments in their tracks. Again, to compare myself to your partner, I trend toward being argumentative. There are lots of reasons for that, but it's just how it is for me. I don't mean harm by it. But that also means sometimes I don't realize when I'm arguing. If someone says "hey, chill" to me mid-argument, I stop and reflect on what I'm doing. I ask if the argument is worth it, and if it is, I let them know, and if it's not, I apologize and back off. Try to see if these tactics work with your partner.

Same with the sarcasm. Sarcasm seems to come naturally to him. But if you find it demeaning, that's no good! You should allow him to use sarcasm sometimes, particularly when it's harmless statements. But if you are actively upset by something sarcastic he has said, you should let him know. "That wasn't nice. I would like an apology." If he says IT'S JUST SARCASM, just be calm and say, "I know, but it still upset me. I would like an apology." He'll either throw a temper tantrum or apologize, and whichever action he takes says a lot about him.

The anger, however, is likely more of an inherent part of himself. You can control arguments, and you can control sarcasm, but for many, anger is a lot harder to control. The reason I can make this assumption is because your partner gets mad at lots of things. It's not just mad at you, but it's also mad in his games. There's no harm in getting mad at a game, especially if you care about it. But there is a degree where that anger because worrisome and dangerous. You can't do much about that if that anger is directed at you, except for the strategies I've already given you. If he is angry at you, stay calm, and deescalate. "I'm sorry, I don't really want to talk to you while you're angry. Let's take a moment and collect ourselves." Letting him step away from the conversation will force him to cool off, and whatever was being said in the heat of the moment will probably evaporate along with the anger.

He's a hypochondriac.

Here's the short section. THIS IS NOT FIXABLE. This is a mental disorder, through and through, and you can't fix this. Try to understand that this isn't his fault - it's literally his brain making him think he's sick. And it's not actually just his brain that is thinking this. When he is sick, or when he says he's sick, HE IS ACTUALLY SICK. If he says, "I have a new disorder, it causes me migraines," and he shows symptoms of migraines, HE IS ACTUALLY HAVING MIGRAINES. It's not like he's totally faking this.

The "faking it" is part of the disorder, because people who struggle with hypochondria have learned over time that if they feel ill, and go to the doctor, they get positive attention from this, and that makes them feel good. But many also suffer from what is known as a "nocebo effect." It's a thing similar to the placebo effect, but it means the person feels something EVEN IF THAT THING IS PROVABLY NOT REAL. The thing that is causing the problem may not be real, but the symptoms are VERY REAL and VERY PAINFUL. So even if it seems frustrating, try not to dismiss his pain or symptoms, because he likely does believe those symptoms are real and does struggle with them. Check out this video for more info on the nocebo effect.

https://youtu.be/O2hO4_UEe-4

The key here is, regardless of whether you stay with him or not, if you believe that he is actively suffering with hypochondria, you should try to push him to go see a therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is VERY effective at treating hypochondria, and will benefit him a lot.

He can be annoying in social situations.

Again, this is an issue that you can't really affect, and I'm not gonna spend much time here. He's a social, extroverted dude. He also has a dominant personality, from how you describe. Naturally, he dominates the conversation. If you feel you're being left out of a conversation, all you can really do is make yourself known. Maybe you're shy or meek, I don't know. But even the quietest person has to talk sometime, and if you feel you're being left behind, GET LOUD!

Not much else to say in terms of your relationship though. If he's extroverted, that's not actually a problem. You're just introverted and conflict with this more outgoing personality type.

He may have gaming addiction.

For me, I'm not entirely convinced that gaming addiction is a thing. There are studies back and forth proving its legitimacy, and while some organizations believe in gaming addiction (source: https://www.npr.org/2019/05/28/727585904/is-gaming-disorder-an-illness-the-who-says-yes-adding-it-to-its-list-of-diseases), others disagree with that perception (source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/internet-gaming), and I tend to fall in that disagreement camp.

I ain't no medical expert. But also being a gamer, and definitely entering some really bad times in my life where gaming dominated a lot of my activities, I never felt like I was addicted to gaming. The time when I was young and would pull all-nighters playing games and not focusing on my school work? That wasn't the games causing the problem; I was using the games to avoid depression and fear of disappointment; it was a solution, but a compulsive solution, because the games made me feel better while ignoring my IRL problems. In that extent, it's no different from gambling, "sex addiction," hoarding, and shopping. All of these have various different medical classifications for addiction, but again, I ain't no doctor, and that's a digression.

The point being here is that from my perspective, it really depends on how much his gaming habits are affecting his IRL life. We know he's disorganized and unclean; is that because he plays games too much, or is it because he is naturally that way? Good question. How often does he game? Several hours a day, most of the day, or literally non-stop? Even if someone plays many hours a day, that's still not indicative of a bad situation. However, does he continue playing games even when he should be doing other things, like working, or paying his bills, or sleeping, or such? You mention he even plays games while cooking, and THAT is a legitimate concern in the favour that he may be suffering from a compulsive behavior.

What to do about this? It's difficult to say. You can try to help him realize that he might be going a little too far with his gaming. You can also emphasize that you want more time spent with him while he's not gaming. "I want ' us time,' so let's turn off the game for a bit." If he's not willing to, that's a bad sign. If you think this issue might be too big for you, then it's best to direct him to a therapist for such issues, especially as said, if it's directly impacting his life in negative ways, and not actually bringing him any real enjoyment in life. _________ So, what do?

Well, that's really up to you. You have expressed that being apart from him now has made you really happy. You haven't missed him at all. You're "finding yourself," and that's awesome.

Should you be with this person? That's hard to say? Are you settling for someone "less-than?" That's also hard to say. There aren't right or wrong answers to this sort of thing, and you kinda have to determine that for yourself based on the information in front of you.

I listed a lot of his problems, and a lot of potential solutions. But do you want to help him conquer those issues? Are you willing to put through that effort? Or are you just kinda tired and bored of dealing with this for so long? Would you be willing to move on and date other people one day? Or does this person actually bring joy to your life because of your shared interests? There are no right answers there.

That's why I think the best course of action is would be to see how much you are willing to change, and then through your action, see how much you are able to change. You only have so much influence in his life, but if you CAN influence his life for the better for both of you, that would be awesome.

What is a tolerable amount of negatives? Again, that's a very personal question, and your answer to that may change dramatically based on the situation. Do you feel like the current amount of negatives outweigh the positives? If yes, try to reduce the negatives as much as possible; if no, then you're probably on the right track, you're just experiencing a bump in the road.

[purplesurveys]

920

What Rhymes With ADE?

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

ADE 1. Have you ever bade someone farewell? Well yes, I do this with my dad every few months because he mainly works abroad. It’s been 18 years too, and I never got used to how sucky the goodbyes are when we drop him off at the airport. Eventually I stopped going along. 2. When was the last time you felt like you could just fade away? Monday. Then again it had been my period’s first day and my hormones and emotions were all over the place. 3. Do you know anyone named Jade? i’ve met a kid named Jade on one of the journalism workshops I’ve taught at, but I only encountered her that one time. 4. What was the last thing that you made with your own two hands? Onion rings that I never got to recreate.

5. What’s the deepest water you will wade into? Water reaching under my lips. I mean I can tread, but it gets tiresome after a few minutes so I’d rather be safe and keep water out of my nose and lips.

6. How many blades does your razor have? Three, I think. 7. Have you ever tried to evade something? Yeah, a lot. If I’m not looking forward to an event because of anxiety, a lack of interest, or just whatever, it doesn’t take a lot for me to ditch it. 8. Do you use Glade products? My mom may have bought an air freshener once or twice. 9. Highest grade of education you’ve completed? Bachelor’s degree. 10. Lowest grade you’ve received on a test? In high school I remember getting an 18/40 (or 18/50? I failed either way lol) on one of the advanced math exams. The lowest test result I got in college was like a 46/100 on an economics class. 11. Do you enjoy sitting in the sun or the shade more? Shade. The only time I would enjoy the sun was if the sea was right in front of me; otherwise I avoid it at all costs. 12. Have you ever used a garden spade before? No, I’ve only used a trowel. 13. What would you like to trade? What this year has been so far. 14. Do you enjoy going to arcades? I love them. They were one of my favorite places to go to when I was still studying and wanted a few hours to let loose, and luckily we had one near our school. 15. When is your favorite decade? I’m very fascinated with the 1920s; just seems like a decade brimming with partying and class. 16. Would you invade someone else’s privacy? No. I’ve had my mom do that with my journals and wouldn’t wish the same on anyone. I find it so upsetting that she did that; I never owned a physical journal after the incident. If I want to know something about someone, I’d rather have a direct talk with them. 17. What parades do you like to go to? I only ever go to the Pride Marches. All the fiestas happen in the provinces, so I don’t get to go. 18. When’s the last time you went on a tirade? Couple of weeks ago when I felt angry with Gab. 19. Is your bed currently unmade? A bit, yes. I haven’t folded up my blanket yet and my pillows are everywhere. 20. Do you like to play charades? Sure, but I only play them with people I’m comfortable with because I don’t like acting. If I’m with a group of unfamiliar people playing charades, I’m only willing to be a guesser. 21. Do you use Cascade dishwasher tablets? No. 22. Have you ever created a blockade or a barricade? Sometimes we block certain areas in the house with a pillow so that Cooper wouldn’t run there and end up eating something he isn’t supposed to be eating. 23. Would you ever lead a crusade? Last two questions gave me big Les Misérables vibes, heh. Anyway I don’t think I can lead a crusade on my own, but I’d be happy to join one. Goodness knows there’s so much to be angry about at this point. 24. Have your parents ever forbade you from doing something? Yeah but they’re the typical Asian tiger parent things like having a boyfriend while in school, getting a piercing other than the ear piercings they already gave me as an infant, dyeing my hair, etc. They never banned me from something that would be deemed unusual. 25. Do you like the song “Grenade” by Bruno Mars? Yes I love that song omg. It’s so fun to sing along to. 26. When’s the last time someone said something degrading to you? Around a month ago. 27. Last manmade structure you’ve seen? The houses in this neighborhood, I suppose. 28. When’s the last time you got a phone upgrade? Two years ago. 29. Has anyone ever tried to dissuade you from something? Sure. 30. How easy is it to persuade you to do something? It’s always different on any given day. Sometimes my self-control is pretty rigid and other times I’ll give in to temptation quite quickly haha. 31. Do you go on many escapades? Not many, but I still go on them occasionally. 32. What’s the last homemade dish you’ve made? It’s a little sad that this is my only answer since it’s the one thing I’ve ever made on my own, but onion rings haha. 33. Do you like lemonade? What flavor(s)? Just the classic one. I’m okay with lemonade, it’s not my first choice or anything but I don’t hate it. 34. What kinds of marinades do you like on your meats? I don’t cook. 35. Has anyone ever serenaded you before? No and I prefer that it stays that way. Serenading isn’t my language at all. 36. Would you like to visit the Everglades? I’m willing to visit wherever, so yes. 37. Have you ever attended a masquerade ball before? I haven’t. AID(E) 1. Do you know anyone who is an aide? Sure. 2. Do you know CPR and first-aid? I’ve had multiple classes on those topics but I forget the steps every time. I wish it were something I can retain; but because I’ve never been in a situation where I had to do first aid or CPR, my memory of them kinda fades at some point until I’m yet again required to take another first aid class. 3. Have you lost anyone to AIDS? Nope. At least I don’t think so. 4. When’s the last time you got laid? March, shortly before lockdown. 5. Have you ever been paid for sex? No. 6. Do you like the game Old Maid? I’ve never heard of it so I guess not. 7. Have you ever had a maid in your home before? We had house help before so I guess, but I don’t like using the term maid. 8. Have you ever experienced a drug raid before? No, not personally. But I see drug raids all the time in the news. 9. Do you tend to raid the refrigerator at night? Not as often as I used to. 10. Do you know how to do different types of braids in hair? No, I can’t even do the classic braid :( I’m horrible with stuff like that; my hands can never keep up. 11. When’s the last time you wore a Band-aid? Where and why? I needed a Band-Aid on my right index finger last June because I got a paper cut while I was preparing my old readings to use as Cooper’s peeing pads. 12. Have you ever wanted to be a mermaid? Not really. I never liked the idea of losing my feet for a tail. 13. Do you qualify for Medicaid? idk. 14. When was the last time you were afraid? Of what? I’ve been afraid of the future pretty much all week.

[twins-parted]

                                                 Headcanon: Jonah & The Betrayal™

Overview: Jonah was devastated after learning that Seth had purposefully deceived Eve ( Kristin ), by posing as him to test whether or not she would be able to tell them apart. She could not tell the difference: the result being she ended up sleeping with Seth instead. While, this directly culminates in the final fight between the twins: it is clear that Jonah does not completely hold Eve accountable for what happened. 

In this headcanon, I’ll break down several aspects of Jonah’s breakdown & the aftermath in post canon ... as it pertains to both his brother and ( former ) girlfriend ( ? ). 

Pertaining to: Seth Trimble -> Jonah was completely crushed to learn that his brother would be so cruel & to him of all people. At first, Jonah worked himself into a rage, which resulted in the ( one - sided ) fist fight with Seth at school. ( Predominately however, on the walk home he felt overwhelmingly numb. ) While Seth probably had no way of knowing how much he’d damaged his brother’s already fragile mental state - - - he certainly knew it would be a fatal blow to he and Jonah’s relationship.

** Post Canon: Jonah and Seth are separated after Detective Lampkin files an anonymous report to child protective services with instructions that both must be kept apart, by way of a fake psych evaluation. Jonah, after recovering in the hospital is sent several states away. Neither boy has contact with the other until well after they’ve grown to adulthood. In this time, Jonah has attempted to work out all the trauma he’d suffered until the point of the CPS extraction. ** 

Short - term effects: Jonah flies into a rage & attacks Seth in the courtyard at their school’s campus. Jonah also rebels against Seth’s commands after he arrives back home too - this angers Seth and sets the final fight into motion. 

Long - term effects: ** Post Canon - Jonah has a hard time bonding with ‘ the boys ‘ || other men in general for many reasons. This impacts how many friends he has as a support system when his mental illness flares. It also means that he doesn’t usually have the capacity to bond with people who possess an aggressive & dominant personality. If he does begin to make friends with someone like that, he quickly shuts them out of his life in an attempt to push them away & not recreate the situation from his youth. 

Jonah has a hard time with authority & knowing when to tone down the attitude when dealing with authority figures. 

Jonah also avoids || or diverts || conflict at all costs ... even if it’s at his own expense. He’s incredibly non-confrontational - if there’s a chance things get volatile or loud regardless, he tends to try to make himself smaller & evacuate the area if possible. If it becomes violent enough, he can lose his temper & control of the section of his brain that can distort reality, resulting in both confusion & fear from whoever the conflict is with. THIS IS NOT USUALLY DONE ON PURPOSE OR WITHOUT SOME TYPE OF WARNING. It takes way too much out of him to warp reality on his own & it doesn’t last too long, it’s more like experiencing a computer glitch in real life. Depending on the severity of the conflict, he may hastily leave the situation with no apology to breakdown alone somewhere. 

Jonah stays relatively numb to the world and those in it. It’s safer and easier to simply pass through this life with no baggage or connections to tie you down. 

Jonah no longer trusts anyone as easily as he did as a teenager & he typically keeps his defenses up. ( He has a hard time drawing boundaries just after being placed into his new home & it takes many years for him to learn it’s okay to have them, period. ) 

Jonah’s previous identity was that of ‘ The Twin Brother ‘ and it was all encompassing: after getting away from the situation - he loses his sense of identity and sometimes has issues with figuring himself out. 

Jonah suffers from PTSD, Anxiety & Chronic depression as an adult. 

Can the relationship with Seth be rebuilt ?: Yes, but there would always be a little residual resentment & ( if not anger ) frustration. There would also be a lot of boundaries and ‘ off - limits ‘ topics that they’d have to deal with eventually. 

Did he forgive this person ?: ... in part, when they believed they’d die, but yeah - - - that’s his shit-headed brother after all. Seth doesn’t know the extent of Jonah’s forgiveness though & it’s more on the shallow side. 

Pertaining to: Eve ( Kristin ) -> Jonah was blind-sided when Eve relayed what had happened the previous evening. After putting the pieces together, he realizes Seth gave him a slight overdose of insulin leading to a hypoglycemic crash, snuck out and impersonated him. He is particularly hurt by the fact Eve failed to recognize the sick trick after pointing out how the twins were different. He seems to hold Eve less accountable given the circumstances, though he is still very much angry it even happened. 

Short term effects: Jonah cuts the finger off that Eve placed the ring on ( sending it & the ring to her in a personalized box ), he also gives himself an impromptu patchy haircut, his eyes are red & puffy from crying so much. ( He is having a full on Britney™ level melt down & is reckless and destructive in one catastrophic fell swoop. )

Long term effects:

Permanently disfigured because the finger he cut off could not be attached again.

Jonah is typically uncomfortable & awkward in female company ... especially if they remind him of Eve in some way. 

Jonah’s self - esteem & takes a massive hit & he never fully recovers, often wondering what is wrong with him exactly. He has a hard time accepting compliments // flirtation for this reason & will clam up, or completely dismiss either. He becomes visibly uncomfortable in these situations and will quickly get away from them to ease his anxiety. 

Jonah doesn’t care for intimacy on any level - platonic, romantic, or otherwise. It makes him physically ill & can potentially trigger flashbacks to the day of the fight & what transpired before hand with Eve. While it can be cultivated and coaxed out of him over a long period of time & with someone he finds he can bond with, it still horrifies him to be vulnerable. 

Jonah’s self worth is almost non-existent, and while it may not be extremely evident because he dislikes forming relationships - he often settles for less than he deserves in many areas of his life. 

Jonah is incredibly paranoid, though he tends to keep most of his paranoia in his head, rarely vocalizing it. As a matter of fact, Jonah has a problem vocalizing many of his genuine feelings & he suffers them alone. 

Can the relationship be rebuilt ?: Not romantically, but he could form a close friendship with her again with relative ease, surprisingly. Remember, he didn’t hold her as accountable as his brother & that’s the deciding factor. 

Did he forgive this person ?: Yes, actually. That’s why he attempted to keep Seth from hurting her during the fight & why he actively tried to fight his brother off before they fall through the ceiling. 

[karaliswrites]

Summer Nights

Why are they always playing Mario Kart

~~~~~

It’s mid-July and school is out.  The days are almost suffocating in their heat and the evenings are warm and sticky, the air filled with the whizz of insects that come out in a symphony when the sun sets.  Armin’s shorts are burning against his skin, the perspiration gathering there reminding him of the annoying fabric that he wishes wasn’t necessary.  The gentle breeze of Eren’s broken fan isn’t nearly enough to cool the room.  It’s even hotter inside than it is out.  Armin shifts periodically, twisting the controller in his hands as they become too clammy and it starts to get uncomfortable in his grip.  But despite the ongoing battle he’s fighting with the heat, he absolutely can’t, under no circumstances, let Eren beat him at this round of Mario Kart.

He concentrates entirely on the race, both out of the surge of competitiveness he’s feeling and also as a distraction against the smothering summer heat.  Though it’s not nearly as hot as it was earlier in the day, there’s something about summer nights that Armin hates more than when the sun is out.  In those times, people turn on the air conditioning and hide from the sun’s harsh rays.  And if there’s ever a time Armin needs to face the blinding glare of the outside, it burns for a moment and then it’s over.  But it’s when everything cools down a little, though not completely — never completely — that Armin feels absolutely asphyxiated.  It’s when it’s not exactly cool, but not exactly hot, just warm enough to cause that prickle of discomfort beneath his skin.  To make his sheets too warm, but the open air not quite cool enough to let him sleep in peace.  It’s when people turn off the sweet sanctuary of the air conditioning and resort to using simple household fans that Armin thinks do a lousy job of eliminating the smoldering heat.  When perspiration is hot on his brow, his lips dry, and he’s unable to sit still for more than five seconds because the summer air settles around him like a blanket.

So when he manages to cross the line a mere second before Eren does, he lets out a warm breath, flashing his best friend a smile.  “I beat you,” he says and sees the brunet roll his eyes, however fondly.  “Whatever.  I was just letting you win.”

“Sure,” he laughs, falling back onto Eren’s bed with a light sigh.  The sudden rush of air from the movement is refreshing, but it’s quickly replaced with a growing discomfort where his back meets the sheets.  He spreads his arms and legs, hoping that maybe the more area he covers, the cooler he’ll become.  It doesn’t really work.  Eren just laughs at him under his breath and lays down next to him with a dramatic flail of his arms that makes Armin giggle.  He sweeps his bangs off of his forehead and spreads blond hair like a halo around his face, trying to expose his skin to rid of the sickening stickiness of the humidity.  He glances over at Eren, seeing his eyes closed, his nose twitching as he breathes softly.  He sees thick lashes dark and elegant against the tan of his cheeks, the shimmer of a thin layer of sweat on his forehead.  His lips are curved into an almost surreptitious smile and he feels his heart swell.  Eren’s chest rises and falls and for a moment Armin thinks perhaps he’s fallen asleep before his lashes lift to reveal stunning green eyes that flick to Armin with a gentle glimmer.

Armin feels his stomach flutter and he swallows, turning away, running a hand over his eyes.  He’s suddenly reminded of the thing that’s been plaguing his mind for the past few months that he’s told himself over and over to forget about.  “Hey, you okay?”

Eren’s voice is strange in the silence.  “Yeah,” he replies half-heartedly, letting out a gentle sigh, turning his head a bit towards his best friend.  “Just tired.”

Ocean eyes meet emerald and he can see a glimmer of skepticism there and bites his lip nervously.  “You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.  Why, does it seem like something’s wrong?”

He’s said too much.  The deception in his voice is subtle, but Eren’s known him long enough to pick up on it.  The brunet shifts onto his elbow and Armin feels a wave of dread wash over him like the summer heat.  Emerald eyes fix on him with such intensity that he feels his cheeks redden, adding to the already unbearable warmth of the surrounding air.  “You’ve been kinda distant these past few months.  We don’t really hang out as much as we used to.”

He tries to come up with something that can get him out of this conversation.  Some excuse that Eren will accept as the truth and they can both forget about.  Something small.  Unimportant.  “Why is that?”

The look in Eren’s eyes makes Armin’s chest tighten in fear and a feeling he’s shoved away for awhile now.  He looks away, glancing hurriedly, frantically, over anything in the room, eventually settling on the fan that gently ruffles the sheets that hang just over the edge of the mattress.  “I don’t know, I’ve just been . . . busy.”

It’s a horrible excuse.  Armin would’ve cursed himself given another situation.  But his heart was palpitating so furiously that he was beginning to think something was seriously wrong.  “Armin,”

The way his name rolls off Eren’s tongue makes a shiver run down his spine and he bites his lip, feeling his eyes beginning to water.  “I’ve known you my whole life.  Something’s upsetting you.”

Armin honestly doesn’t know why he’s so gut-wrenchingly terrified.  Maybe it’s the ostensible prospect that Eren will hate him.  He knows that won’t happen.  He knows deep inside that nothing he can do will ever make Eren turn against him.  But there’s a small part of his mind that’s riddled with anxiety, that fills his thoughts with constant ‘what if’s and worst-case-scenarios.  And just that one shred of doubt, that one miniscule chance that Eren might leave him, abandon him forever, — however unlikely it may be — is enough to make his stomach churn horrendously.

“I . . . um . . . ,” he starts, his voice quivering in fear.  He thinks maybe he can tell Eren the truth.  Just not all of it.  Because if he did, he’d increase the chance of losing his best friend.  Of losing the only person he really cared about.  Everyone else he loved was gone and Eren was all he had left.  He couldn’t lose him too.

“I’ve just . . . there’s something I . . . .”

He looks into emerald eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to form a decent sentence.  “Eren.”

“Yes.”

“You’re my friend.”

“Yes.”

He lets out a giggle despite himself.  “Eren, come on, this is a serious conversation.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.  Just trying to lighten the mood.”

He settles on his elbows, scooting a bit closer to Armin, but he isn’t sure whether or not this is consciously done.  He’s still on his back and squirms under Eren’s gaze, feeling himself blush and the fabric of his t-shirt press warmly against his stomach.  He swallows.  “I really . . . we’ve been friends for years now.  You know me better than probably anyone else.  You wouldn’t . . . walk out on me, would you?”

“What?” he asks, his seemingly nonchalant position stiffening into one of solemnity.  “Why on earth would I do that?”

“Just . . . I dunno.  If I ever did something . . . you thought was . . . disgusting . . . .  Something that would make you hate me . . . .” he mutters, his throat beginning to knot with anxiety.  “Armin,” he says strongly and he can’t help meeting emerald eyes.  “There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you.  And I would never think you were disgusting.  You’re important to me and I’d never walk out on you because of something stupid like that.”

He feels a gentle smile tug at the corners of his mouth, but can’t find it within him to complete it.  “I just . . . I’ve been thinking . . . .”

Eren doesn’t say anything.  He just sits silently, watching him — waiting for him — like there’s nothing else but the two of them and the relentlessness of the humidity.  “I’ve never been . . . completely honest with you — well, with myself.”

His brow furrows.  “How so?”

Armin lets out a strangled laugh, but it’s more rueful and self-deprecating than anything else.  “I’m making this sound so much worse than it is.”

“Well, if it’s this hard for you to tell me, then it must be pretty serious.”

“I know.  I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

He glances at him again and thinks he sees a flicker of a smile.  “There’s nothing you should be sorry for.  Just take your time and when you feel you can tell me, tell me.  You don’t even have to if you don’t want to.”

“I want to,” he says hurriedly, inching closer to him out of instinct before shrinking back.  “I’m just . . . scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of you . . . leaving me forever . . . .”

“Armin —”

“I know you won’t,” he adds quickly.  “I know you wouldn’t.  But there’s still a part of me that . . . thinks you might.”

They sit in silence a moment and Armin takes a few deep breaths.  “I . . . I’ve always been . . . different . . . than other people,” he begins, deciding he might as well take it in parts.  “I never really knew what it was.  And it wasn’t necessarily a conscious recognition either.  But as I got older . . . I realized that . . . not everyone was like me.  That I was the outcast in a whole world of other people.  When I was young, it never really hit me.  But recently, I’ve been thinking it over and . . . I’ve kinda been denying it my whole life, but I’ve realized I have to come to terms with it one way or another.  And . . . I uh . . . .”

He meets emerald eyes and swallows.  “I’m . . . I’m gay.”

Saying the words aloud gives him validation of how absolutely true they are.  Eren gives a brief nod, as if he isn’t sure if there’s more Armin’s going to say, but after a few moments of silence, he gives a small reassuring smile.  “Okay,” he says and Armin rolls his eyes fondly, feeling a bit lighter with that off his chest.  “That’s all you’re going to say?” he jokes and Eren grins.  “No, I wasn’t done.  But seriously, I’m not upset.  I’m glad you told me.  That takes a lot of courage and . . . thank you.  For trusting me.”

He feels his heart leap and sends him a soft smile.  “You’re welcome.”

There’s a moment of silence and acceptance before Eren breaks it.  “But, uh, if you don’t mind me asking,” he says and his tone is light with an intimation of a question that Armin isn’t sure he wants to hear right now.  “Is there any particular reason you decided to tell me?  Is there a, uh . . . .”

He nudges Armin with his shoulder, inadvertently sending shock waves through his body.  “There a guy you like?”

They giggle at the childish situation and Armin’s lips move for him.  “Maybe.”

He hadn’t meant to say it.  And now that he has, he wishes he didn’t exist.  His face flushes bright red, but Eren doesn’t seem to notice.  “Really?!  Oh my god, who is it?!  Tell me!” he says excitedly and Armin can’t help giggling at his exuberance.  “I uh . . . I dunno . . . .”

“Oh come on, Min!  I won’t judge, I swear!  Unless it’s Jean.  Then I’ll definitely judge.”

He laughs and thinks it’s interesting that Jean is his first guess.  “Ew, no!  I would judge myself if that ever happened.”

“Marco?  Connie?”

“You’re really gonna do this to me?”

“Please?”

They go back and forth in the gentle breeze of the fan for quite some time before Eren pouts.  “You won’t tell me?”

“I mean . . . it’s kind of . . . I dunno, weird.”

“Alright, well, can you at least tell me about him?  Anything.”

“Um . . . what do you want to know?”

“Is he tall?”

“I . . . guess?  He’s taller than me, so . . . .”

“Is he hot?”

Armin laughs at this.  “What — it’s a genuine question!” Eren giggles in retaliation and something like mock offense.  He tucks his hair nervously behind his ear.  “I mean . . . I think he is . . . .”

He blushes profusely and Eren just grins.  “What’s your favorite thing about him?”

Armin has to take a moment.  He’s never really thought it through.  “I — just . . . everything,” he says and when Eren doesn’t snort at the cheesiness, he continues, partly to Eren, partly to himself.  “He’s funny, he’s kind — he seems kinda intimidating on the outside, but once you get to know him, he’s got the biggest heart in the world.  I love his smile, his laugh, his eyes. . . .  And he’s good to me.  I mean, he treats me like I mean the world to him.  Which I probably don’t.  We are friends and all, but I don’t think he feels the same way about me as I do for him.”

“You never know,” Eren says and Armin looks up to see a spark in his eyes that makes his breath hitch, his heart flipping with the implication he might be detecting in his voice.  “Maybe he secretly likes you too.”

There’s no way.  He isn’t implying anything, Armin’s just getting his hopes up.  He looks at Eren a moment and he holds the contact before the boy shakes his head and lets out a sigh.  “No, I don’t think so.  He’s incredible — he doesn’t deserve me.  He’s straight anyways.  He could have any girl he wanted, why would he settle for someone like me?”

Though his question is rhetorical, Eren answers it anyways.  “Well, believe it or not, you’re pretty damn amazing.”

He feels his cheeks flush and Eren shuffles even closer, just a step over the line between casual and intimate.  “And if he’s smart, he likes you back and he won’t be settling for anything.”

Once again there’s a hint in his tone that suggests he knows exactly who Armin’s talking about, but that’s impossible.  “Do you ever . . . think about him?  Dream about him?” he asks and the question is both innocent and verging on suggestive.  Armin feels his breath hitch and he lets it out shakily, simultaneously loving and hating the proximity between them.  “I . . . I think about him all the time.  Dreams too.  Mostly they’re sweet dreams — about him holding my hand, asking me out, taking me on a date, . . . kissing me . . . ,” he trails off, allowing himself to quickly glance at Eren’s lips and mentally scolds himself for being so stupid.  He swears he sees emerald eyes do the same to him and swallows in something like nerves and anticipation.  “That was always the one thing I wanted to do with him.  More than anything else.”

Emerald eyes flit between his own before he mutters, just above a whisper, “Then do it.”

It’s the tone in his voice that lets Armin know he’s caught on.  He’s known Eren long enough to be able to detect even the most subtle of hints in his voice that can tell him exactly what he means.  And this time, he flushes profusely, his tongue darting out to quickly lick his lips.  His heart is pounding almost painfully in his chest and he can feel himself trembling as he inches closer to Eren.  He doesn’t do anything, just sits there with silent, knowing eyes, and Armin suddenly fears that maybe he doesn’t know Eren so well after all.  That maybe those little tones of voice he thought he knew so well are actually not anything to go on.  But he’s gotten an open invitation, whether or not it’s meant for this specific situation, and Eren’s lips are so tantalizingly close that he can’t control himself any longer.  Without any further hesitation, he leans the rest of the way forwards and gently presses his lips to Eren’s.  The touch is almost unnoticeable it’s so delicate, but it sends a spark through him all the same.  After a few moments, he pulls away, lifting his lashes to stare into emerald eyes.  He just looks at him, silent, unmoving, and Armin really thinks he’s messed up.  But then he gives him that lopsided smile he loves before capturing his lips again, this time with a bit more certainty.

Armin feels electricity rush through him, all the way to his fingertips where it fades into numbness.  His brain goes fuzzy and all he can register is Eren and the way their lips move together perfectly.  Like they were made for each other.  They set a slow pace and everytime they pull away, they come back again — softly, gently, and Armin absolutely melts.  He feels Eren’s hands settle on his waist, pulling him forwards ever so slightly, and he can’t help reaching up to chocolate hair, lightly mussed and sticky with humidity.  Part of him begins to doubt this is actually happening — that the thing he’s dreamed about for years is finally coming true.  But Eren’s hands are tangible against his skin and for once, he ignores the heat burning under his touch.  This is too incredible for him to care.

He makes a humiliating sound, something between a sigh and a whimper, as their movements become quicker.  It’s only a slight change, but Armin’s suddenly breathless, trying to keep up with the pace Eren’s setting.  He feels his tongue lightly sweep the seam of his mouth and he gently parts his lips to let it inside to meet his own with a scorching heat.  It isn’t rushed or sloppy — although Armin can feel something like desperation beginning to burn somewhere in his gut.  The dance of their mouths and added heat of their proximity is a bit inexperienced and thus a bit awkward, but only slightly — and either way, it wouldn’t matter.  It wouldn’t be able to mask the pure exhilaration that the tenderness of the kiss brings.  It’s a momentary eternity before they pull away, faces flush, breathing ragged.  Eren’s hands are still firm on his hips and he twists his fingers in the front of his shirt, simultaneously knowing this is a good place to stop and not really wanting to.  Now that he’s had a taste, he’s immediately addicted.

Eren gives him that lopsided smile that makes his heart flutter and tackles him in a bear hug, falling back on the mattress.  Armin can’t help giggling, returning the embrace and burying his face into the front of his shirt despite the summer warmth.  They lay there a moment, trying to fight off the growing heat between them where their skin is pressed together.  “So it’s me, huh?” Eren speaks up and Armin grins into the fabric of his t-shirt.  “Wasn’t that obvious?”

Although he can’t see him, he knows Eren is smiling.  “Armin Arlert likes me.”

“Eren, we literally just kissed.”

“And, if you don’t mind, I’d like to continue doing so for as long a humanly possible.”

Armin raises his head and looks at Eren with mirth in his eyes.  “Is this your way of asking me out?”

“Sort of?”

He giggles and falls back into the comfort of Eren’s arms.  “Is that how I asked you in your dreams?”

“No.  It was a bit more romantic than that.”

“What, like, ‘Armin Arlert, would you please do me the honor of becoming my boyfriend?’”

“Something like that.”

“Wow, I sound so cheesy in your dreams.”

He laughs again, pulling slightly away from Eren despite not wanting to to escape the discomfort his body heat is bringing.  “Where did we go?  For our first date?”

Part of him wants to laugh and he manages a soft chuckle before replying with a grin, “The ocean.”

“We’re going tomorrow.”

“Eren, you can’t drive.”

“I’ll find another way.”

He presses a warm kiss to the top of his head before laying back on the sheets in a more comfortable position.  Armin smiles softly and feels his eyelids become suddenly heavy with humidity and exhaustion.  He lets out a quiet yawn that Eren makes some sort of remark about, but he’s verging on unconscious and isn’t hearing too clearly.  The last thing he registers is Eren kissing him softly on the head again before he falls into the loving embrace of sleep.

[tariqk]

More Minecraft grumping

Cut to spare the dash.

Things I really don’t like about Minecraft, honestly:

The early survival game is inaccessible

Here’s the thing about early Minecraft survival: you’re plonked in the middle of the wilderness, with absolutely nothing, and literally the first thing you got to do is punch a tree and find a safe place to spend the night before you get beaten up by monsters.

That’s it. You could spend the night hiding in a hole, probably crafting and mining something in the middle of the night, while hostile mobs wander areas that aren’t lit up, waiting to, basically, kill you. And you’ll stay in this precarious situation for at least a few days, as you 1) make a place to sleep, 2) build shelter, 3) get supplies to venture out, and 4) don’t die, because if you die, you lose your stuff.

This is a game marketed to mass audiences. For children, even. And it can be so manifestly unpleasant I have no idea how it got popular so quickly.

I don’t actually have a problem with this, actually! I positively enjoyed some of that experience, and some of that tension makes for some fun gameplay and entertaining stories — like the one where I found a white horse, tamed it, named it, and then proceeded to take it to a foolhardy exploratory quest before it fell under a hail of arrows (RIP Binky 2019–2019).

And I don’t even have a problem with the learning curve, because I’ve learned and thrived in environments like Dwarf Fortress. I use emacs for gods’ sake. Low accessibility and high difficulty environments are my jam.

But getting here involved more than a dozen start-and-stop moments of gameplay where I literally quit the game, deleted the save, and went to bed in disgust. It’s stupid. It’s aggravating. I can’t believe that this was ready for mass market, what with the lack of telegraphing and the pretty damn high stakes from the start, that the only people who’d play this would be gamers who are familliar with the tropes, already know a little about Minecraft lore, and are invested to try and try again.

To be fair, they’ve made some things easier: they’ve included guidebooks with recipes to automatically load items you already know into the crafter, there’s an official guide online, and if need be, you have cheats. But consider:

If you need to cheat to get the game accessible, there is something wrong with the core game loop.

You can’t create a guidebook and then rely on players gaining “enough experience” to access them to make the game more accessible.

You can’t just bloody have a guide that a person needs to open a browser, or buy the book, to get by.

Survival is very much a non-starter if Minecraft is your first serious game, you get frightened or suffer from anxiety in trying to stay alive, and you have difficulty optimizing your moves to get the best result.

Redstone is a mess

Actually, I have no opinions on how redstone is implemented on a purely technical basis. It’s a system, it’s mostly Turing complete, that's… interesting. What pisses me off is how the Technical Minecraft community is… well, frankly, hard to get into, hard to gain proficiency in, and looks fairly clannish, insular and… honestly a drag to Minecraft’s further development, if Minecraft was to get developed further.

Like I’ve talked about this before, but the existence of the Technical Minecraft is entirely dependent on a class of software behavior that you could make an argument are actually bugs. Zero-tick pistons, anomalous sticky piston behavior with blocks, quasi-connectivity… these weren’t intended consequences for the developers of Minecraft, and they’ve said so before.

Say what you want, but honestly if the only reason why a developer reverted a bug-fix because a bunch of small, clannish, insular, and loud minority were making complaints, I’d honestly ask how much value those people should have in how you run your business.

But that isn’t all. I had taken to writing down notes because I wanted to figure out how certain redstone constructions worked, and even the simplest designs suffer from the following:

There appears to be no standard way of sharing schematics and designs for redstone creations.

Most of the instructions are in video, which is a terrible medium to instruct in, because you don’t have a way to skim through the resource, the presenter literally doesn’t have to say anything more than what they do on video (and thus can be as vague and contradictory as they want).

Most of the instructions are in the nature of, do everything this way, except this section, in which you need to do (flurry of movement as the presenter puts in a slightly different design that you better be able to catch). It’s “simple”. No, it’s fucking not.

Another thing that bothers me is that, fundamentally, most redstone designs are hand-crafted, which is mind-boggling. For one, if you are just starting redstone in Minecraft, you’re going to be sitting with the same toolkit that the most experienced users of redstone are. You’ll still be laying down redstone lines and putting in comparators. You’ll still be dealing with the janky and inconsistent behavior that experienced redstoners are. You’d still be debugging your creations with the same tools experienced redstoners are. And like, you’d be doing it with nary any institutional or technical support, because… reasons?

It’s like you progress from electrical engineering to low-level programming to high-level programming to virtual machines to virtualization… so that you can get back to electrical engineering again? Using skills that may or may not transfer well into other fields? Why?

And there are consequences for this as well, which I’ll get to in a bit, but also, I need to talk about how the community gets around this problem, which is basically…

Modded Minecraft replaces the problems vanilla has with other problems

Specifically? One of them is performance.

I don’t know if you’ve tried 1.12.x and then compared it with 1.15.x, but the differences are night and day. Like, I run a potato computer, mostly because we’re broke af and don’t have the scratch for a l33t gaming machine, but… well, yeah. What’s occasionally janky in 1.15 is literally unplayable in 1.12. What takes 5 minutes to load in vanilla takes up to thirty minutes in modded Minecraft.

And sure, this will sort itself out as modders eventually take advantage of the new architecture and optimizations within 1.15, but in some other ways, it won’t. Mostly because the nature of modded Minecraft is that it literally has to interface with the literal source files to generate or insert new code, and since mod-makers don’t have access to the code pipeline and the tools that they can use to optimize the game, well…

And we’ve only talked about the Java Edition, and not Bedrock, which I suspect will be even more tightly incorporated into the platforms that it runs, at the cost of having less open infrastructure, and as a result, more consequences to mod performance and stabilty.

But another thing that bothers me about modded Minecraft is how so many mods are just… Minecraft, but more. More power, more game mechanics, more technical additions, more mobs, more enchantments… but half the time the resulting game feels bloated and overly-complex.

This is funny because it literally sounds like I’m contradicting myself over the fact that early Minecraft survival had too little in terms of letting itself be accessible, so you’d think I’d welcome mods that worked out some of these gaps with things that made player lives easier.

But what I’m looking for is a realignment of how the game approaches players, not as a punitive, inaccessible system where difficulty is a mask for what is ultimately shallow gameplay, and what we get from modded Minecraft is more stuff. Sometimes, in some modpacks, just so many things that several mods do the same thing that the other mods do.

It’s kind of telling that every time I see a modpack that includes Draconic Evolution the first thing I think of is I better not get into Draconic early, because if I do the rest of the game will literally break, because I have no idea what the hell the mod creators are doing there, but when your damage scales allow you to three-shot the Ender Dragon final boss, that mod breaks the game. Doesn’t matter if you make a boss that’s three times tougher than, say, the Wither. Game’s fucking broken.

There are some good approaches: FTB Academy and other questbook mods do give players a chance to orient and align themselves with what to do, without forcing players to have to go through the anxiety and terror of not knowing what to do, and keeps them engaged far longer than they should be, but honestly… ultimately what you’re doing is more stuff, just through the lens of what the mod wants you to do.

Plus FTB Academy has Draconic and you can literally two-shot the Guardian of Gaia, which is supposed to be so tough that metal music starts playing and it can cause effects that are twice as worse as the Wither… well.

Is it just me or are there only dudes in this party?

If I have to count the number of people who weren’t cis men or boys in the time I’ve been lurking around Minecraft’s YouTube channels, I can quite literally say that the number would be less than half a dozen.

That’s very bad. When your visible community is 95% cis dudes and everyone else aren’t there, it tells me that:

The game alienates literally everyone who isn’t a cis dude

The player base are driving away anyone who isn’t a cis dude

Part of the reasons for #1 are, well, I’ve mentioned them above: it only really allows people who have the time and wherewithal to plug into an activity that offers no real benefit outside of the game itself, most of the fantasies it caters to is power fantasies of vanquishing more and more powerful opponents, and there’s barely any community support for newcomers.

So that’s no surprise that the kind of people who are popular Minecraft YouTubers are dudes who are either bad at explaining what they do, are inarticulate, or… well, to not put it too unkindly, dicks. I mean, Minecraft’s recent rise in popularity and relevance was, sadly, because PewDiePie was playing it. So that tells you everything.

And we haven’t even gotten into the fact that the playerbase looks pale as fuck, so you know that’s a thing. I’m seeing a few Indonesian-language Minecraft tutorials on YouTube, so that’s neat, but otherwise… it’s pretty white-dominated.

And this all assumes that the causes are all because of structural inequalities, not active fuckery against marginalized folks. I honestly don’t know how often that happens, though I wouldn’t honestly be surprised if it did. I mean, it’s not as if the game isn’t associated with nasty folk like PDP… and hell, even the original creator, who, to their credit, Microsoft and Mojang have sidelined, is a homophobic and racist dude.

But, yeah. I mean, $CHILD_1 and $CHILD_2 are still at it with Minecraft, and I’ll be around to help them through, hopefully to steer them away from the nasty stuff. But still, ugh. There are so many reasons to be grumpy about this game.

Mind you, at least it isn’t Roblox.