#but thats so fucking stupid cuz a) nobody talks about the same things all the time

[vrmxlho]

ahh i feel the same!! my whole family comes from croatia and we often go down for holidays, but only during summer. until then i'm literally freezing my ass off 😭

hadhjhdj the way i get that- i've been procrastinating my skincare for some time, like i do it every second evening or smth and my skin is breaking out again LIKE- STOP BEING AN IDIOT

but i'm just being lazy and yeah :(

lmao i don't mind, i can tell you more about the drama in future, cuz we literally have a whole lore page and so many screenshots, it ain't normal. and i've known this person like,,, a bit over a year now?

and your former best friend sounds like a bitch, i'm so glad and proud that you cut her off. i know this is super hard, especially when you don't wanna upset the people around you (which isn't even the one who fucking has the drama with you)

yeah that's so true!! i'm doing so much better now that i've cut them off and only after i did that, i actually realized how bad they were for me and i'm just very glad the whole thing is behind me

and this is so true!! i love listening to drama but i don't wanna be involved LMAO

OMG CROATIA IS SO SO GORGEOUS i'm sure you've heard this before many times but i genuinely love croatia so so much. zagreb, pula, porec are like the only three places i've been to but they were so beautiful.

also so real with the skincare, i do not want to admit how many times i've skipped showering cuz i'm too lazy to take my fucking clothes off like girl you stink bffr 😭 i remember when i was younger my cousin convinced me to stop brushing my teeth w him cuz "animals don't brush their teeth" spoiler that was so fucking dumb

THE FUCKING LORE PAGES THAT'S SO FUNNY HELP 😭 my friend had a meme account on insta back when we were still friends w that bitch where we just made horrible memes of her and that was our way of coping.

i have so much drama from uni cuz i have friends in other unis who tell us everything since we don't go to the same uni as them and we can't like tell on them ig??? it's actually wild +++ also from high school cuz i went to school w these insanely rich kids (not saying i'm not as well) but they were like actual aristocrats/royalty and they were actually insane

[davekat-sucks]

okay so like is it just me or do all versions of canon meenkat suck?

In homestuck the ship is very iffy due to the age gap [and the fact that meenah just got out of a predatory relationship with (vriska)]

But is hs^2 it's somehow worse???? First of all karkat is like 39 I think, AND MEENAH IS STILL 19!! Like holy shit thats an even bigger age gap then in hs. It's made even worse by the patreon posts and that I feel like ppl in this fandom think it's okay to ship now cuz "karkat is an adult now!!" while completely forgetting the age of meenah?

The only that this ship could work is if meenah was brought back to life at the same time karkat was around her age, but the hs^2 writers couldnt do that for some reason.

I don't think she is still 19 by the time Meenah and Karkat met in Epilogues. Some years have passed since it shown that Harry and Tavros Crocker were around before the reunion. With Tavros Crocker described being so short that he couldn't reach the doorknob. And later it is said that 10 years had gone by since John had talked with Terezi. So by then, Harry and Tavros would be teens by that point. At best, we can assume that Harry and Tavros were 5 years old by the time we were first shown them, since in HSBC, they are 15 years old. So likely somewhere within the extra 5 years before HSBC official starts, Karkat and Meenah met and then spent time together during it to prepare their war against Jane. At best, she would be 20-24 during Epilogues, with 24 being the best estimate of her age by Beyond Canon. Of course, Karkat was 20 years old by the end of the webcomic, so add in 15 years since we got Omega Kids, he would be 35 years old. So yes, the age gap is still present and doesn't help that the team confirmed that the did indeed fucked. And I guess the reason why nobody addresses Karkat being the pedophile now is either: A. Karkat will fuck Dave later on, so his one fling with Meenah won't matter because he will be GAY. Homosexuality erases pedophilia allegations, don't you know? Why else people excused Meenah x Vriska being a thing years back too? It's not because all the characters are fictional and people could ship whatever they wanted or the fandom wanted more lesbians after Rosemary had been canon. B. People think Meenah, a fuchsiablood in power, was bad because hemospectrum. But because Karkat is older than her despite being mutantblood, he has better authority over the person who would have became Sea Hitler in an alternate timeline. C. They assume that now that they are adults, even with the similar big age gap, they are at least consenting adults. So that's why they are fine with a 24 year old fucking with a 35 year old bastard. Whichever the reason is, by the end of Beyond Canon, the age gap thing will never be addressed by any of the main cast, Davekat will happen, and the shitty sequel ends on a disgusting brown note. James Roach and HICU will never address how old Karkat and Meenah are and just make people assume they are the same age because they are now both drawn like adults, so you don't have to worry about their teen sprites doing adult things despite they would still be adults in the sequel and they had only kept the teen sprite looks for stupid familiarity bullshit. Because god forbid if we make eyeless adults for both humans and trolls despite that The Condesce (an adult troll herself) was shown having eyes or at least, eyewear, to make them still stand out and recognizable.

[beforeiforgetyou]

This just my like personal manifesto or something. Rambling again. Nothing important to say. But the thoughts do be… thought-ing?

It be like… I see the vision. I see it. But like. The vision sucks. The vision is lame. Boring. Stupid. Why subscribe to that? It’s all been written. It’s played out. Like I see the vision. I see the appeal of it. Comforting. Secure. But why is it comforting and secure? Cuz it’s been played out! There’s comfort in the known. You know what’s gonna happen!!! If you really pivot and take that “unwalked path”… man that’s fucking terrifying! Shit that’s what I’m scared of. The unknown. The what-if. But at the same time the alternative seems even scarier. The “right” way. The vision. Their vision. Boring. Me? I wanna smoke weed, write books, paint landscapes… fuck a bunch of big booty women, see the world… I wanna experience the most exciting parts of life and human emotion. And like as I’m writing this it’s like… but I am doing that. Why am I so dissatisfied when most of the time I’m doing exactly what I want. I’m scratching my nuts, laying on the couch, getting high, drinking my favorite beer… I just spent THREE weeks alone in Colombia drinking ayahuasca and pretending to speak so Spanish. It’s not a book but every night I’m on here pouring out my heart and soul, every thought and feeling. I’m a writer even if no one’s reading it fr. A writer all the same. Then I wake up when I want, half ass this easy ass job and make almost 80 a year doing it! And I’m smart as hell. Man most of the time people don’t even really understand wtf I’m talking about cuz they thinking about idk little things. Nothing wrong with little things but they don’t satisfy me. That’s why I’m so lonely. Nobody “gets it” and yk what, I don’t want them to! Okay that’s a lie. Yes I do. I want to be loved. Beloved. By everyone. That’s why my nice guy act is so good. It’s a trap. A mask. I’m a psycho little freak behind it. I got a mean streak. Why? Cuz I’m doing exactly wtf I want and anything or anyone that gets in the way of that is in my way. Not in a bad way really. Just in a very like… man nobody can really tell me nothing. So yes. I want what I want and when I don’t get what I want I’m pissed off. Cuz that’s how I made it this far. From doing what I want. Taking what I want. And saying fuck it to the rest. I am a selfish man. Cuz guess what? It’s a selfish world. And if you don’t take it, someone else will. They always say nice guys finish last. But I’m not really a nice guy. Am I? I’m a grumpy little guy that’s waking up and doing what I want every single day. Ugh I should be fucking the whole world straight in its dried up pussy! But I have a weakness! My heart. My longing. My yearningggg. What a pain. It’s always been. It blinds me. It keeps me from seeing that I’m actually the coolest mf I know. Cuz I’m always so in love, so heartbroken, soooo busy making heart eyes, trying to make someone happy. It just like… but I see the holes in vision babe! The vision sucks nuts! I want someone to see that tooooo! The meaning of life is genuinely just to have a good time. That’s it. Like… let’s get high, fuck, make a bunch of money, and live every moment of our lives doing exactly what we want! I’m not looking for a girlfriend. Or a wife. I want a partner. A ride or die. A nasty slut thats smart as fuck and is crazy enough to love my weird ass. Man. Even now I’m just here yearning and longing lol. What a lame ass guy. Lol. Oh well. It’s lonely out here. That’s for sure. I guess it’s all about finding someone who has the vision you do. But I’m very worried that no one will ever share mine. Oh well. Perhaps that’s the price. Of doing what you want. Always putting yourself first. You have to leave them behind. You have to let them go. When they don’t fit. Man… so many of them. I’m so good at leaving. That’s the truth too. I can forget anyone eventually. I have to. My heart is so soft. Too soft. It swallows up everything I love. But man it’s great at spitting it back out though… Eventually. It’s like. For me. It’s how I survive. My let go game must be impeccable. If I still wanted my parents love I never would have

been able to break their every rule to carve out my own path. If I didn’t close my heart to my siblings it would like hurt that we never talk. My best friend… I’d still Be upset over that! And the girls… oh man the girls are always the hardest. Damn near lost my mind forever over the first one. But then every time it became a little easier. That feeling. That loss. The pain. The tears. The tragedy. That was all the same. But ik it would pass. I think that’s why the first time was so bad. Cuz I didn’t know that yet. That one day you do forget the exact color of their eyes or the sound of their voice. It’s crazy. One day it’s just… gone. Even the memories fade after a while. I hold on too tight. Lord knows I do. I hold on until my fingers are literally breaking in half. But when that final release eventually comes… man… I just disappear. Why am I so good at that? Cuz i have to be. The world is beautiful. Marvelous. Extraordinary. It’s full of love. Joy. Happiness. Experience. But oh man… It’s full of pain too. But that’s part of it. The human experience. There’s beauty in pain too. Marvel in heartache. I’ve learned to find the beauty in it too. Not in the beginning when it rips me to shreds. But when it settles. Speaks softly. That grief. You have to have flown high to know the sorrow of the fall. Love hard. Love fully. Because even the pain is worth it. Love. Love is what I want. What I fear. What I seek. Why am I like that? How can I be so many things at once? Aren’t we all? Are we all? Does everyone feel this way? The dichotomy of everything. That would be a good book title. If I was Christian I’d be a catholic. Is that a weird thing to say? Sometimes Christians don’t think Catholics are Christian and vice versa. Isn’t it all the same? I like all their rituals and stuff. And they have best churches man them things are beautiful. I’m rambling now. I’m lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to. Well. To listen to me at least. I could have friends. I could have a girlfriend. Or two. I could even have a wife. But I choose this… solitude. This depressive quiet. Talk about quiet house? Now this house is quiet. Why do I do that? Well. There’s two main reasons I can think of. One, I have been on my own so long and I’m so good at it that I have trouble accepting the weight of another. I’m not good with others peoples emotions. Feelings. Other peoples individual thoughts or desires. I never really had to worry about that. I ran away young and took care of myself. I only had to think about myself. So it’s like now… at my big age I’m trying to figure out how to genuinely care about other people who don’t fit my vision. Like what do I do when someone I care about isn’t exactly what I want them to be? It’s like my first instinct is to wipe my hands, say fuck it, and walk away. But then I’m stuck. In that cycle. I’m alone again. I push them away before they can disappoint me. Cuz disappointment is painful. Before they can hurt me by not meeting my expectations. Does that make me an asshole? Yes. It does. Which leads me to the second reason. I choose solitude because I feel like no one really likes me and they shouldn’t. I’m not a very nice person. I’m demanding. I am. Want what I want. In all things. Work, friendships, relationships. I wasn’t spoiled as a child but

I’ve spoiled myself. I was so fed up with always feeling like a loser that I made it my mission to always get what I want and I’ve become accustomed to it. I’m a brat. It’s like as a child I felt so invisible, like I was living this vision my parents had for me. And when I finally broke away from that I had made a subconscious vow to answer to no one. Maybe both my reasons are really the same. I’m alone cuz I’m afraid. Of someone seeing through my facade. Afraid of letting someone see through my facade just to let them hurt me. Giving up on me. Losing our vision. Hurt me by running away from me. Being scared of me. I’m not scary. I’m intense. I will say that. I love hard. I love good. But ik im demanding. Hard to love back. Idk. I think I accept that. There are days. Believe me there are days. When the “why me”hits. Then the lonely little boy in me cries out for someone to hold him. Some days that child in me just cries man. Oh but I remember. I’m not a boy anymore. I’m a man. A whole Man. A man made one at that. I did that. I made it all happen. I’m sitting drinking beer and buying a pretty girl whatever she wants on Amazon cuz I DID THAT. I built this life. From nothing man. From nothing. I used to pick quarters off the ground in the Disney parking lot to find enough money to put $2 of gas in my car to make it back home. And it was barely a home. A foam pad on the floor of some stranger’s spare room. Washing my work uniform in the bathtub because I couldn’t afford the laundromat. Ugh I was disgusting. I used to stink because the water got shut off and I couldn’t shower. I didn’t care about love back then. I didn’t care about anything. Anyone. Except myself. Because who else was going to? Who gave a shit about me when I had nothing!? ME! I DID! I woke up every morning and worked three jobs and came home to the weird guy I rented a room from off Craigslist and pretended I didn’t notice him coming into my room and jacking off over my bed at night! Cuz where else was I gonna go!? I MADE ME! I MADE GIL! There was a period of like two years when I didn’t even touch a girl. Only sex I had was with myself. I had no confidence. Nothing to offer. I was fat. Ugly. Depressed. Pretty much homeless fr. I didn’t have friends really. Just a few guys from work who hung around and got high off my weed cuz I paid for it. Until that one motherfucker ask if I wanted to suck his dick. Why? Cuz I was fat? Quiet? Laughed a lot? That made me a faggot? That nigga was the faggot! I hate when that shit happens. When people assume something about me. Maybe I just learned to play the part too well. The nice guy. I was so fucking nice I had dudes out here thinking I’d get on my knees for them. Well look at me now motherfucker. I did that. I worked my ASS OFF. Played the game. Cheated sometimes. You know how many fake resumes I made. How many job applications I filled out. How much ass I kissed. I was the new guy. Then worked my way up to management. And was like twenty years old. Then I did it again. This time while in school. Three jobs. Full time student. In person classes. I got in a car accident leaving one job and going to another cuz I was so exhausted I fell asleep at the wheel. I dropped out after that. But I didn’t quit. I couldn’t. I was so tired. Six jobs in a year. Hoping one of them would pay me enough to quit the other two. I wanted my own

place. That’s what motivated me. I was sick of the terrible roommates. Tired of my stuff getting stolen. One day I came home and my roommate was naked in my bathroom in the tub with her boyfriend smoking a cigarette. Like wtf!? Busting my ass to come home to that!? I was working in Tampa then. Cuz it was more money. Living in Davenport and driving to Tampa everyday. Cuz I was the “trainer” for the new store. Making $14 an hour. Rent. Car payment. Insurance. Food. Gas. But it paid off. Cuz it got me that promotion. My first salary job. My first apartment. MY first apartment. No roommates. No furniture either though. But I didnt care. Every inch of that empty space was MINE. I dropped down to 2 jobs. Got a dog. An actual mattress. I started a keto diet. Used to meal prep all day on Sunday. For a year. That year. When it was just me. That’s when Gil became Gil. One time I spilled a bottle of watch in the kitchen floor. But I was late to work so I didn’t clean it up. When I got home that night it was dry. Like nothing even happened. That was the moment right there. That I was truly free. My rules. My game. My life. From there the rest is history. More money. New job. Raises. Promotions. Better car. Bigger apartments. Different dogs. I was 27 when I graduated. I didn’t need to finish. My degree wasn’t even in my field and I was already making good money. It was just to prove I could do it too. To myself. That I could do everything my parents expected me to. But I was going to do it my way. That’s one of the reasons I changed my name around then. Well shortened it. Cuz I wasn’t little Alex anymore. Sometimes I wish I had dropped that whole part of my name and just been Gil. Cuz I wasn’t a little boy anymore and I always hated having to write that long ass name. It was like the final piece of my new life. Most people are stuck with the name they’re given when they’re born. But not me. Not Gil. Gil paid $600, had to get fingerprints at the sheriffs office, and had to appear in court before a judge and told everyone who the fuck he is. The Universe dealt me my cards and I told it to take them back. Goddamn I fought tooth and claw for this life. Is it perfect? No. Is it finished? No. But it’s MINE. So why! Why am I so fucking sad sometimes?! wtf I really have to be sad about. Isn’t this everything I ever wanted? Everything I want? Like why do I care? About any of it? Anyone? I be getting so upset about going to toothsome but wtf I don’t even have to be there! I just keep going back cuz??? Idk! Cuz I can? Cuz I want? Clearly it’s something that makes me keep going back more than just money. I’m making the choice so why am I salty about it? Now all this. I see the vision. See the future. Hell I see the present. Cuz I want what I want right? Oh man I been writing this on and off for hours. wtf am I even talking about. Time for bed.

[cheenutchutter4lyfe]

alright so im going to tell/vent about everything thats happened between me and shelby because we have been arguing and i think this will help me get my feeling straight

so about 2 years ago last year something. i dated quinn. and we dated on and off for about a year

and i told shelby we were dating after 6 months because i was scared to tell her

because quinn is a trans man

and presents very feminine

and so i told her and it made her mad and she occasionally brought it up to bother me

anyways

so last school year ended

and shelby pushed herself away from everybody because she had a lot of emotions

and ill admit, i shouldve talked to her and stayed by her side to see if she needed someone to talk to

but i was very depressed and was dealing witht he fact that i will basically be without her

and i know i wouldnt be without her because she still lives here, but her graduating felt like she was leaving

and i thought in my delulu brain that she would stop talkign to me

so i stopped talking to her to give us both some space

but i still talked to karma and shyanna

so she felt left out

and like she was losing me

but i felt like she didnt like em and so we were both feeling the same thing

so after that we kinda just ignored eachtoerh then contacted eachother and back and forth

and id invite her to hangout with us if we were hanging out but shed always say no

or ditch

so i felt like she just wanted our friendship to end

and then she starts dating nick

and she didnt tell me

and i knew she was dating him because she told karma before me and karma told me

and shelby didnt want to tell me because she wanted to get back at me for not telling her

which seems slightly reasonable from her perspective

but she didnt know i didnt tell her, because she doesnt know quinn was trans

and she still doesnt know

so eventually i ask fro space because hearing everything about her life from karma started to make me more depressed

and then we start talking again and then we get into an argument because we stopped talking

so i confronted her saying that everything has been pissing me off

and btw, during this time, i was vewnting to shyanna and karma about everything because i felt like i had nobody else to turn tp

and so we talk everything thru after almost breaking off our friendship

and so then things were going good.

we were talking, hanging out

etc

so after i vented to shyanna and karma, they knew we talked everything thru, but i made the mistake of not telluing shyanna that we were good and specifying that everything i said while i was venting is probably exaggerated

like i was calling shelby a petty bitch because thats what i was feeling

and after some time of thinking, ive realized that was really fucked up of me to do.

cuz if things were flipped, id be mad too

so shyanna tells shelby i was talking crap about her

and so shelby starts ignoring me

and i hear from karma saying shelbys mad at me

and so i talk to shelby

and now we are fighting because shelby doesnt trust me anymore

and we never talk

and she says she feels like i make her out to be a villain because i was talking to karma and shyanna about how i felt

and i know i always preach about people coming to me about their problems, but i was scared id lose shelby if i told her about our problems.

because my last friend trinity used to do that a lot and it fucked me up

and so i wasnt communicating

and shelby wasnt communicating

and we were only telling our problems thru mutual friends

and its all very stupid

and petty

and i feel like a cunt for venting to my friends about how i feel

and im mad at everyone

and hate everything

and i kinda just want to lay down adn die

[dylanobrienisbatman]

The main problem with the whole mal vs the darkling thing in regards to being possessive (or really when it comes to any of their traits) is the fact that throughout, the darkling is clearly framed as the villain and his actions reflect that, whereas Mal as supposed to be the good guy and best romantic partner for Alina, and yet he has all these awful character traits and tendencies. So its less about how awful the Bad Guy is (since he's supposed to be), and more about how awful the person that we're supposed to believe is the best option for Alina is. I don't ship either, just my two cents.

Okay well... two things. First, your comment about "its less about how awful the bad guy is, since he's supposed to be", takes every comment I've made about Darkles out of context, which seems fitting since everything Darklina's spout about Mal is out of context. Him being the Bad Guy is fine, and if you like him AS A VILLAIN, and acknowledge all the bad shit he does, then my posts aren't for you. I think he's a very interesting villain, and a lot of the terrible shit he does that I have to keep making posts about make him a good villain, the problem is when the terrible shit the "Bad Guy" does is romanticized and viewed as the reasons why Alina SHOULD have picked him. So, don't assume everyone gets that "hes supposed to be awful". The point my post was making is that Darklina's love to call Mal possessive, but then turn around and act like Darkles literally enslaving her in somehow sexy and romantic. It's fucking not, and it's transparent as hell that y'all romanticize and sexualize the actually possessive character, and then project false character traits onto Mal. It's so transparent, it's almost funny.

But, more importantly, to your second, very wrong point, I wonder how much of the narrative about Mal having "awful character traits and tendencies" is actually a commentary on Mal as a character, or is it just Darklina's lying about things Mal has done and everyone accepting that misinterpretation as canon. Because, if were making a list...

Fuck boy - False! Mal was not a fuck boy! He was an attractive teenager who hooked up with consenting girls his age when he could, and he was not in a relationship during that time. Alina had never told him how she felt, so he is not beholden to her. (Also, nobody seems to have an issue with the fact that Darkles hooked up with Zoya in the show, that doesn't make HIM a fuckboy... interesting) (also also, nobody seems to discuss Darkles literally sexually assaulting Alina, and lying and manipulating her to get her to be physically intimate with him so he can use her... double interesting).

Slut Shames Alina - FALSE! The ever favourite callout line from Darklina's "He's all over you" isn't him slut shaming her. First, he has no idea what their relationship is like at that point, but more importantly, he is making an observation of her status in the little palace and how she has become his tool. He has dressed her up in his colors, made her put on a show for his benefit, and has created a situation where Alina appears to be his. Mal is noting that after months of searching for her, believing she was being hurt, tortured, or worse, when he arrives to save her, she looks like the Darkling's pet. (and, even if he WAS angry because he perceived them to be romantically involved, boy just spent months fighting for his life, lost multiple friends, and almost died to find her, all while coming to the realisation that he was in love with her, and then he shows up, after not hearing from her for months... I'd be pissed as hell too.) Important Note: He even acknowledges that what he said was wrong and tries to apologise, before Alina tells him that he was right. (Shadow and Bone, pg. 286). He also then apologizes, completely unprompted, for what he said. (Shadow and Bone, pg. 297).

Fat Shames Alina - False! This one is particularly laughable to me, because its one of the Darklina arguments that falls apart the second you actually read the scene. They are running for their lives in the forest, and Mal has to hunt and gather to feed them. He is noting that Alina's appetite has increased since he last saw her, and he makes a joke (ya know, how you do with friends) about how it would be easier to keep her fed if she still had her more meager appetite from before. He makes no comment on her weight, or her size, and he is not actually commenting on her appetite in a negative way, he is just acknowledging that it's a lot more work for him now that she eats more. Right before he says the line, the quote even proves that he isn't shaming her or thinking badly of her: "With a bemused expression, he watched as I gobbled down my portion and then sighed, still hungry". He is noting a change in her, and complaining that its made more work for him. If you think thats the same as fat shaming, well... thats a you problem.

Hates Alina's Powers - FALSE!!!! How to begin... do we talk about it was Mal's idea to hunt the stag in S&B, because he knew she needed it to be more powerful so she could stop the darkling? Do we talk about how he vowed to find the firebird for her, even though he was terrified of what all that power would do to her? Do we talk about how he literally died so she could achieve the power she needed to save the world? Or maybe we could talk about how he believed in her power more than anyone else, like when everyone was making bets about her abilities with the Cut and he knew she'd go further and better than anyone else expected her too, or when he tells her that he was never afraid of her powers, only what seeking all that power would do to her (which is literally the theme of the books, that power corrupts and seeking unmatched power can destroy you)? Mal being afraid of what is going to happen to Alina, being protective of her and worrying over her, is not the same as him hating her powers. He exists to help remind Alina of the themes of the story, and to guide her into maintaining her humanity.

Abusive - ... Do I even need to explain this one? Must I deign an explanation as to why this favourite Darklina lie is so fucking stupid, and also totally hypocrisy? No? Because we all know Darkles is actually the abusive one and they're trying to project their own shit onto Mal to further their abuse apologist agenda? Cool. Moving on.

Possessive of Alina - False! Throughout the entire series, Mal is quite literally the opposite of possessive, but yall just cant read. Not only does he quite literally step out of the way and allow Nikolai to court Alina without argument, which is the most direct example of him not being possessive, he also spends two full books believing, and repeatedly saying over and over and over, that they can't be together because he is not good enough for her. Mal believes, fully, that Alina deserves more than him, better than him, because he's just a tracker and a soldier, just a regular man with nothing to offer her but his love and his protection, and she is a Saint and should be a Queen. Possessiveness is the wish to own and control someone, it is literally the opposite of Mal believing that he's not good enough and doing everything he can to ensure that Alina achieves everything and gets everything he believes she is owed. A possessive character would not tell her to tell him to leave because he has nothing he can offer her, no title or land or country or crown. A possessive character would not promise to be the blade in her hand, because he believed he had nothing but the blood he could spill to offer her.

Angry - True! Yeah, omg, you caught us, Mal is ANGRY! Heaven forbid a teenager who is traumatized beyond belief and has to give up everything in his life, his position in the military (he deserted for her), his friends and the job he loved (Mikhail and Dubrov died for him, and he can't be a tracker in the army... because he deserted... for Alina), and, most importantly, he has to give up Alina (she should be Queen, he believes, and he has to give up the future he imagined with the girl he loves, who he was pretty sure loved him back, because she's a saint and queen and he's just a man), and more, is ANGRY. He has to be the one to find the amplifiers that he knows will end up hurting her, because thats what she needs to save the world. He has to sit by while Nikolai treats him like the dirt on his shoe and tries to woo Alina for his own personal gain (because Nikoalai did not love Alina. Maybe he came to care for her, but he proposed and spent all of S&S trying to get her to marry him when it was obvious they were not in love. He straight up says its so that the next King of Ravka can be married to the Sun Summoner. It's a power grab.) and he can't do anything about it. So yeah, Mal is angry. And yeah, sometimes he's even angry at Alina, just like sometimes she's angry at him. But they always find their way back, always apologize and try to be better for each other, and if you think anger is a toxic trait, and not simply a natural human emotion, might I suggest touching some fucking grass?

Idk why you thought I'd stand for Mal slander on my blog, cuz I will not. So, I'm gonna stop there, because I have shit to do today, but I really do wonder how much of Mal's 'toxic' or 'terrible' traits, that make him such a 'bad' love interest for Alina, really comes from Darklina's who refuse to actually read the text critically at all, and instead take everything he does and says out of context to further their agenda that Alina should have ended up as the Darkling's fucking slave forever, because thats the "girl power feminist" ending somehow. Mal supports her, loves her, sacrifices for her at every turn, and does everything he can do, to the point of literally dying for her, to ensure that she can defeat Darkles and save the world. He protects her, and when they end up happy and safe together on the orphange that they've rebuilt to help the children that were victims of Darkles war and genocide, he spends his days bringing her tea and cakes and flowers, kissing her silly under the stairs in the view of all the teachers, and calling her names like beauty, beloved, cherished, my heart for the rest of their ordinary life together, if love can ever be called that.

[laddumb]

OMORI SPOILERS, but it accidentally turned into a long appreciation thread for the game and fandom??

[TLDR] I am very greatful for this community and the game because it pretty much got my life back on track ♡

Anyways thinking about how in the "netural" ending when basil yknow, uses the garden sheers on himself, sunny decides that nothing is there

Sometimes i wonder if sunny really still cared for basil or not, but thinking about it now

He did

He still cared for everyone.

In his mind basil was still his best friend, and to see his best friend do that

Fuck man

Omori hurts bad

Whenever i sit here and think about the little things

The slight details that i missed in febuary

Theyre all so

Hurtful

So greatful that i found out about this game man, it means so much to me, before Omori i spent all day miserable thinking about the same thing that upsets me so much but

Omori gave me something new to think about, something that wasnt distracting because it made me sad or someones life was at stake, but because it made me happy

I finally have the motivation to draw and animate again, and sure the bad things are still on my mind all day but, i see an omori video or meme or fanart or just think about the game and the bad thoughts are completely lost for a moment

I could talk about this game for hours on end, truly

And Basil man, ive never related to a character so well, its so nice seeing someone whos like me, even if its fictional

Its like nobody understands me as a person but if Basil were here, he would because he IS that person

Ik it sounds corny, but its 5 AM and im in a strange mood, no, more like a greatful mood

I think im starting to be happy with the things in my life, and that happiness started because of Omori. And fuck yeah this fandom is amazing, a majority are great people, you guys make beautiful art and animations, hilarous memes, cool ass fanfics, all the good shit

Its stupid, i know, to say a video game is whats picking my life back up, but ive felt so fucking terrible for over a year and finally, finally im starting to be okay again

Its not just omori of course, but i can thank omori for being the reason i started appreciating the things i had more, and loving my people more, i spend time with my family now, i dont just sit in my room miserable all day. I sound like an idiot huh

Idk man im just rambling

Rambling my thoughts onto this silly app and like 10 people will see this and read it through

Idek how this post got to this point, i just wanted to talk about a little detail i noticed

Idk man, this game will likely forever be my number one, maybe im wrong but, right now, where im at, this game is like motivation for me

Thank you Omocat for creating this game, thank you everyone who donated and made the games creation possible, thank you to a majority of the fandom (excluding the ppl who would look at or make r34, blame basil, and argue over ships aside from the hero x anyone but mari and the sibling ships cuz wtf?? Why would u ship siblings or hero with the friend group??) Because truth be told, with how small this fandom is, its like every day i have new fanart to look forward to

Just off the top of my head, ginumo and tabdood i owe you 2 a lot <3 U two are one of the main reasons i stayed in the fandom at the beginning and i look forward to every piece of art you guys make, so thank you

Theres others but im bad with names

Not just them tho, every piece of fanart i see, i love it

I love beginner artists making fanart because fuck yeah its so sweet, and one day they'll look back at it, thats where they started, and they'll want to revisit omori, and all the artists that have been drawing for years and years making omori art, YEAAH MAN EVERY FANARTIST BRUH <3

I love all of you, every creator in this fandom, yeah im talking about you

What you just made one drawing?? Oh u just discuss the game?? FUCK YEAH I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THE GAME !! THAT ONE PIECE OF FANART IS GOLDEN BRO !!

Dont get me started on the comics yall make

Even the people who like or reblog, yall keeping the fanartists and discussors going bro

Love yall

Everyone of yall

Goodnight ♡

[chbslove]

Teen Wolf as things i found in my groupchat

Liam: guyyyyyyys i have to tell u something reeeeeaaaaally important

Stiles, in the same minute: yea

Stiles: i'm here

Stiles: huh

Stiles: wow

Stiles: hello

Stiles: no?

Stiles: ok

Lydia: hey

Allison: hi 🍍

Lydia: nvm

Allison: why 🦘

Lydia: i wanted to ask u something but i remembered the answer to my question while i was typing

Kira: hey do u guys wanna meet up? :))

Lydia: bois

Lydia: boys

Lydia: whatever

Lydia: i'm shopping i can't

Scott: what the fuck

Stiles: bitch i'm cackling

Isaac: wtf is going on

Scott: i got a D- on my chemistry test

Scott: Stiles copied the whole thing off me and got an A

Isaac: now i'm cackling too

Cora: it's period time

Erica: what

Cora: cuz i'm bleeding

Cora: out of my vagina

Erica: does it hurt

Cora: yea

Erica: how much

Cora: QUAGHJGFGHJGHF

Liam: [random picture of his feet]

Kira: i really like your socks

Liam: ikr they're awesome

Allison: i'm hungry

Allison: but i just had sumn avocado

Lydia: aw girl now i want sumn avocado too

Malia, two hours later: i wanna eat a horse

Lydia, on vacation: theres a cannabis shop nexx 2 our hotel

Boyd: Are you already on some of that? Your grammar is weird

Lydia: u can buy hookahs hereeeee

Boyd: Lydia i'm sweating please tell me you aren't smoking cannabis

Kira: how du u politely insult someone

Malia: ur a humanly human

Boyd: that's not polite, that's the heaviest insult known to mankind

Lydia: guys i'm going shopping again what should i buy?

Stiles: b a t h b o m b s

Stiles: t o i l e t p a p e r p e r f u m e

Scott: what the heck is toilet paper perfume

Lydia: i need more ideas

Stiles: d e c o r a t i o n

Stiles: p e n s

Stiles: d e c o r a t i o n p e n s

Scott: Stiles what the FUCK are decoration pens

Stiles: i d k

Stiles: s o u n d s g o o d

Lydia: ok thx babe, please stop doing drugs and sleep instead, have a nice day

Stiles: t h x

Stiles: w i l l d o

Scott: something tells me u won't but alright

Scott: what did you get on your essays guys

Lydia: 98

Scott: what

Scott: how

Scott: Stiles you better have a low grade or else i'll kick u

Stiles: i have 105

Lydia: how in the fuck did you get a 105

Liam: what was your essay about

Lydia: we had to write an instructional essay about a mathematical concept we used this year

Lydia: preferably the quadratic formula

Stiles: i wrote 5 paragraphs on how to add single digit numbers

Stiles: 105 for creativity and accuracy

Lydia: youve gotta b kidding me rn

Stiles: i got the idea off a tumblr post

Lydia: i think im having a stroke

Erica: fuck off i don't wanna do school work in quarantine i've got enough to do already

Cora: wtf u doing we're literally quarantined

Erica: sleeping

Erica: bitch

Stiles at three am: W H AT 'S JE S U S C R IM I N AL R E CO RD

Derek: ffs stiles its 3 am go to sleep

Cora: why does my perfume have more curves than i do

Erica: why does the pineapple have more joy in life than i do

Stiles: why does everybody have more talents better mental health and prettier faces than i do

Liam: Stiles

Liam: are you ok?

Stiles: yeah totally anyways guys what are we doing today

Erica, completely out of nowhere: I HATE THIS FUCKING BITCH

Cora: big mood

Kira: hiii guys does anyone want to videochat?? :)

Allison: i have to take a shit later maybe

Kira: oh

Kira: ok

Erica: w h e e z e

Cora: guys i'm feeling down can anyone call me

Kira: yup hun i'm here

Allison: i'm pooping but alas

Cora: no Allison i don't want to talk to you while you're taking a shit

Cora: but thx

Allison: ... you're welcome

Kira: the smolest house in europe is 57 centimetres smol

Stiles: don't know where i'm gonna need this information but i'm pretty sure i will someday so thank u babe

Kira: uwu

Theo: fuck off how does charli damelio have 6 million likes on a tiktok of her drinking a slurpee and i can't even get thirty likes on a text post she's such a stupid whore

Stiles: thats because you're untalented, ugly and unsympathetic as fuck and nobody likes you

Stiles: including me

Stiles: get the fuck off our group chat you heinous jealous slug

Liam: slowclapinthedistance

Kira: guys what do you think of the drama bryce hall got into yesterday

Isaac: nothing

Scott: i'm a potato

Stiles: who the fuck is bryce hall

Kira:

Kira: the holy trinity

Derek: okay, so we're meeting at my house at two o'clock. possibly/most definitely without scott, because he's not reading or answering any texts.

Stiles, twenty minutes later: i found a wild scott ima drag its ass to dereks now

Theo: idk i don't feel good lately

Theo: like i'm just mentally not alright and i feel down all the time

Stiles: HAHHAHAHAHAHA

Stiles: I'M SORRY BUT THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I READ ALL WEEK

Stiles: ssshhhh erica

Erica: what

Stiles: do u want crack

Derek: Stiles for fucks sake stop trying to get Erica to do drugs with you

Erica: yes

Derek: wait

Stiles: YES

Derek: NO FUCK

Scott: that's it

Scott: theo ima throw u out of our friend group u are toxic asf

Scott: stiles i'm gonna put you into therapy

Stiles: AHAHHAHHAHAHA LIKE I'M ANYWHERE NEAR RICH ENOUGH TO AFFORD THAT

Stiles: BITCH

Stiles: MY THERAPY IS CHEAP MARIHUANA

Liam: i'm gonna go to sleep now good night everyone

Theo: have nice dreams

Theo: about murder

Allison: i really want to go shopping anyone down??

Lydia: YES

Lydia: that's the spirit sis

[trans-axian-archive]

yah this is another motorcycle au post what about it (first post / revisions / wangxian [au art] / trans things!!):

- everyone thinks wei wuxian must listen to a bunch of punk music but that's like.... 15% of his music taste. wei wuxian sits there in his leather jacket and his ripped jeans and big stompy boots with his headphones in looking like he's listening to like. the clash but really he's got britney spears blasting into his ears

- on the other hand everyone thinks lan wangji listens to Exclusively classical music which Is a good deal of his music taste but half the time he just listens to sad folk music and cries

- jiang cheng Refuses to admit it but he LOVES shitty pop music and sappy love songs

- wei wuxian Does not brush his teeth. he just doesn't. he won't do it. lan wangji brushes his teeth the recommended two times a day. everyday. when they start dating lan wangji refuses to kiss wei wuxian unless he brushes his teeth and wuddya know the next day wei wuxian is an avid tooth brusher

- I know it doesn't Really make sense with the way this au is set up (wwx riding a motorcycle because he loses his license) but I'm the god of this universe and I've decided that the hilarity of the wen remnants all riding motorcycles far outweighs logic and world building consistancy

- perhaps I'm saying this for the simple fact that I own the same shorts, perhaps I'm saying it because I'm obviously correct, but wei wuxian has a pair of booty shorts that say "fuck the cistem" on the ass

- the version of having low cultivation in this universe is being a really shitty driver.... nie huaisang has a cute little green bicycle that he rides everywhere

- I know that in canon jiang yanli has low cultivation but I think that's stupid sexist mxtx brainrot that doesn't make any sense so in my au shes an Excellent driver :^)

- even tho jiang fengmian and madam yu are good and loving parents in this au, they Are constantly busy and rarely have time to do Family Things so jiang yanli still ends up taking care of her brothers a lot

- jiang yanli loves her brother Of Course and is very sweet and nurturing towards them but don't forget that in canon she still teases them and jokes around with them! she's not just a doting sister! she has personality beyond taking care of others n I wanna push that even more in this au!! she likes to tease them in silly itty bitty ways that go under everyone else's radar but her brothers immediately pick up on and start banter with her about that Nobody Else Understands

- wei wuxian and jiang yanli 100% team up on jiang cheng to tease him and he's outraged about it every time

- wen ning and wei wuxian are Constantly getting into stupid best friend antics. no one expects it from wen ning at first cuz he's the Shy Gentle Kid but within a few months of him being friends with wei wuxian they know he's a little bastard

- I said before that they become friends when wei wuxian saves wen ning from falling down a ditch on a field trip but the first time they Meet is when wen ning is like,,, working on... idk Some school thing and wei wuxian is like hey you're really good at that!! and helps him with a part he's confused about

- wei wuxian is always keeping wen ning safe/stopping people from bullying him and it's not because wen ning can't take care of himself, wei wuxian just knows he doesn't like confrontation or hurting others But if someone hurts someone he loves and cares about wen ning will Not hesitate to throw a punch

- when wei wuxian becomes pals with wen qing both his siblings are crushing Hard and he has to be like guys do not make my friendship with her weird Do Not jiang cheng she is a junior jiang cheng

- jiang yanli is bisexual and she has Two hands... she can date both jin zixuan And wen qing....

- when jiang yanli and wen qing start dating wei wuxian goes to wen qing like don't you dare tell me weird shit about my sister alright so whenever she wants to annoy him she'll be like "I was making out with yanli the other day and-" and he'll just run away covering his ears

- similarly jiang yanli will try to talk about wen qing and wei wuxian will be like UGH STOP THATS MY BEST FRIEND. he thinks she just wants to talk about it with someone which is at first true but after the 3rd time she's just 100% teasing him

- wei wuxian gives them both a very half hearted shovel talk like "please don't hurt her I love you both :(("

- his talk with jin zixuan involved a lot more open threats of violence and jiang cheng, who decided to join for extra measure, telling him that he knows how to snap someones neck

- the timeline of this au goes like this: the first lil part of the plot where everyone meets/becomes friends happens in freshman year, but wen qing, lan xichen, jiang yanli, jin zixuan, and nie mingjue are all juniors at this time (and they're all pals cuz I think that's cute and silly). wen chao and jin guangyao are sophomores because they have annoying entitled sophomore energy, and mo xuanyu becomes a freshman the next year. wei wuxian loses his license at the beginning of his sophomore year (once again I know that's not how licences work but let me have this), and gets into the accident in the middle/end of the same year, wakes up in junior year, and starts dating lan wangji in senior year

[xiggy-stardust]

I can’t please anyone.

None of my friends follow this tumblr so I’m gonna dump my tea in this harbor

“hahaha nobody follows ur dumblr, xig-” SHUT the FUCK UP, ME. I KNOW thats YOU.

okok so over winter break I went shopping for myself because I didn’t get anything for christmas. I was in hot topic (Fuck you, they have some cool shit) and they had a thing where it was “Buy one hoodie and get another for just 10 bucks” so NATURALLY I made the cashier hold my $70 Twenty One Pilots hoodie while I looked for something cheaper to pay in full so I wouldn’t have to pay 70 bucks for a hoodie. I found this really cool Kingdom Hearts jacket for just 40 bucks.

One of my friends, let’s call them Wendy, LOVES KH to DEATH. I was becoming really good friends with her since I’ve only met her this school year (so I’ve known her since about august) and we became best friends really fast. We have more inside jokes than I can count, which I think is what really makes you best friends. Wendy and I have lunch together like every day after school and we sit and talk for hours about everything or sometimes nothing at all. The point is, we’re close.

I also have another friend, let’s call them Nina. Nina and I have been friends for longer than Wendy and I have been friends, since about sophomore year (and it’s senior year now). And Nina and Wendy have been friends since elementary school. So really, I’m the one late to the party. It was very clear very early on this year that Nina was getting jealous about how close Wendy and I have been getting despite us not knowing each other for very long. This reeked of petty high school drama, and me, being the only person in school not caught up in shit, refused to be dragged into something I had no intention of being a part of.

The thing about Nina though, is that she has hella insecurity issues and I’ve already sent her novels over text trying to convince her that she’s not a piece of shit. She thinks everybody hates her and she (very clearly) baits me and Wendy into pitying her. Every time I talk to her, it’s another thing she thinks everybody’s gonna hate her for. Every time. She never takes responsibility and uses those big puppy eyes to make me say that nothing is ever her fault just so she won’t go home and blow her brains out like I have nightmares of her doing. I’ve talked to her so much about the exact same topic matter that some days when she says “whatever I’m probably just annoying you” I kinda wanna say “yeah you are.” But I know for a fact she’ll go home and probably c*t her wr*sts or something. She never makes any efforts to improve herself. She wallows in her sadness and wants everyone to feel bad for her or wallow with her.

This is where Wendy is a breath of fresh air.

me, Nina, and Wendy are all relentlessly sad for mostly the same reasons, but they both have shitty parents whereas mine are. idek. Divorced but living together like they aren’t, it’s weird. I digress. We all deal with our sadness in different ways. I deal with mine by myself in my own time and only let it out in the form of ironic memes and self deprecating humor. You gotta really dig deep to get to me and I have to trust you a lot to let u know what’s really going on. But for me, you don’t get to know unless you ask. That’s how I avoid bringing down the people around me to awkward situations. Wendy acknowledges whats wrong with her and actively talks to me or other trusted friends to fix what’s wrong. She doesn’t want people to feel bad for her, she wants to be better and she doesn’t stew in her sadness because that’s bad for literally everyone.

Nina is the total opposite. We were just in the middle of UIL rehearsals today and WHILE I was highlighting and trying to memorize my lines, Nina grills me about the jacket I got Wendy for christmas when I didn’t get her anything. Wendy actually warned me she would ask so I gave her one of my printed photos earlier this morning. She said she felt left out, so naturally I lied and said I had it from the start, which I totally didn’t, and the only reason I didn’t give it to her before is because she was literally in another state stuck in a blizzard and when she came back, she was cut from the play we were in and we had to travel to perform the day she got back. So today was the only day I’ve actually seen her. So even if I DID get her something, she wouldn’t get it till today anyway. And I STILL got her something. She still tried to guilt trip me about how she felt “left out” and how she’s “forgotten” like I haven’t talked to her about it more times than I care to think about.

The thing is, Wendy is really easy to shop for. She likes KH, Overwatch, and cute anime things, and every store I shop at has a surplus of one of those things. I had a slight suspicion Nina would get jealous so I tried to find something for her,, but she has zero interests I can shop for. She likes Vinyl records, but no store in the nearest 100 miles sells vinyl. It’s not like she likes comic books or video games or stuffed animals or.. anything. I cannot shop for her. The original Idea was to go thrift shopping just the three of us, and I buy Nina anything she wants because I know she likes thrifted items and we’ve been wanting to go thrifting together for months. BUT Nina was out of the state and her parents wouldn’t tell her how long she’d be there so I couldn’t schedule anything when she got back. The blizzard she was stuck in would have fucked it up anyway but still. The idea is, it would have been impossible to get Nina what she wants. But I don’t think she sees that. She only saw that Wendy got a gift from me and she didn’t. Now might be a good time to point out that Wendy didn’t get anything for christmas because her family considers it a big waste of money (which it is, but Wendy has never experienced a single christmas in her life). So yeah naturally I’d want to get her something. Besides the jacket I got her, the only other thing Wendy got for christmas is a KH Funko pop from another friend. Thats it. So excuse me if I wanted to make this christmas a little bit more happy for her.

Besides the point, but just a side note, I didn’t get anything for christmas either. It’s not like I’m hard to shop for either, I like the same things Wendy likes (minus KH maybe) and I like flannels and beanies A LOT. And they’re stupid easy to find, especially in winter. But all I got was a heartfelt letter from another friend who is too sweet to be in this story. I got a letter and none of my other friends got me anything. Not Nina or Wendy. But I never not once complained about it while I saw all my friends give and give and give to other people. That’s why I went shopping for myself, so I couldn’t possibly want anything that anybody was giving except for love (cliche, barf, ik, whatever).

So yea it just kinda rubbed me the wrong way when Nina complained about not getting anything. EXcuse you. I should really be the one complaining, cuz I’m 40 bucks in the hole on a jacket I’ll never wear and Wendy’s only worn like once since I gave it to her. I didn’t get anything either, I actually lost here. Wendy’s got another jacket she’ll never wear, so that only seems like a plus to me and she didn’t get anybody anything, but only cuz she doesn’t have money and her parents won’t let her get a real job. And you haven’t gained or lost anything. If we really wanna be equal, let’s all get gifts for each other. Unless we all come out down and up 2 gifts, somebody’s got a right to complain, and if we look at who’s lost the most, it looks like it’s me. But I’m not going to because I don’t need a gift to validify my friendships. I gave to a friend who it looked like needed it the most out of pure goodwill. I don’t expect anything in return, and I think there’s a thing on the internet about how if you talk about how charitable you are, your charity is null and void, at least the intent of it is. But I don’t think that counts if the only people I’m talking about can’t read this. Maybe it does, but I gain and lose nothing anyway.

If I gave Nina something or Nina gave me something, Wendy wouldn’t care. If Nina gave Wendy something or Wendy gave Nina something, I wouldn’t care. So I really don’t see the big deal that I gave Wendy something. The only difference I see is that Nina is out of the loop, and she’s the only one who cares if she is.

Idk I could go on forever but I’d just regurgitate the point that Nina, you suck for trying to make me feel bad for doing a nice thing. Please. Fix yourself, because nobody else can.

[ua-monoma]

[[ hi here’s a text convo me and dani were having during the iimono text convo woohoo feelings ]]

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:16 AM

iida's definition of alright is "im not completely hurting to the point where it is hard to do or think abt anything else"

rickyLast Sunday at 4:17 AM

THATS A BAD DEFINITION IIDA

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:17 AM

if he can do his duties without being hindered he's "alright"

rickyLast Sunday at 4:18 AM

like tbh monoma's big feels rn are like 

 1) i wanna communicate but it feels like iida doesnt actually communicate with me ever 

2) i wanna be honest but it feels like iida isnt being honest with me 

3) i've been opening up a lot which im! proud of!! i can face my emotions now! but iida isnt facing HIS emotions with me and i thought uHh being a couple means we do that together so i guess i'll go fuck myselfsdfskhdgbg

but ALSO from an outside perspective iida Does Communicate and Is Honest... way more than monoma perceives it but monoma sucks. at being able to identify it

A L S O he cant stand iida taking care of him so much sfhgbsfbhsg hes starting to feel rly coddled and he Does Not Like It

and thats largely just cuz hes so unstable and feels guilty about it now that hes more aware of it and wants to either just shut down and stop emoting around iida or, like, he wants to get to take care of iida if/when he ever breaks down cuz then it'll be Equals

kdfgdfhbdfgs i just had a hunch and it was right, monoma is actually older than iida sdfbjhgs

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:22 AM

WAIT HE IS

HES OLDER,

rickyLast Sunday at 4:27 AM

but yeah i think the other thing is that monoma wants stuff from iida but like has not been able to rly voice it (i feel like this is the first time he has ever talked like This Much about emotional bullshit) but also TBH he feels brushed aside every time iida gives him one of his lil speeches

cuz he doesnt respond very well to positivity and also will just latch onto the negative aspects

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:30 AM

WOW then u have iida whos just like "dude im not a fuckign mind reader tell me what u want"

rickyLast Sunday at 4:30 AM

WHICH I KNOW BUT HE'S WORKING ON IT.....

iida: communicate pls monoma: ok heres a big rambling post about stuff i feel iida: ok thats nice. can you communicate with me pls tho monoma: I JUST DID HSDFKGGBDFSG I'LL JUST GO FUCK MYSELF THEN I GUESS--

^ is how he feels

also hes scared of the Boyfriend Conversation

which i think i've told you before, hes scared cuz of the sex addiction thing but also,

ppl keep coercing him to sex and he doesnt wanna date iida and then be coerced into Officially Cheating,,, pseudo cheating isnt acceptable either but at least like,,, hes Technically not betraying him,

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:36 AM

THE RAMBLING THING isnt clear to iida bc its like yes that is how he feels but he is not telling me What He Wants From Me

rickyLast Sunday at 4:37 AM

YEAH thats what i noticed today +_+!!!

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:38 AM

its like monoma is offering his stance but not a solution or a compromise

rickyLast Sunday at 4:38 AM

monoma doesnt rly know that's what he's supposed to do hjbsjfsg

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:38 AM

does iida have to spell it out

rickyLast Sunday at 4:38 AM

y es

like, the last thing iida said kind of made monoma be like

wait lemme look at it again

ok he said he wanted to know the reasons behind his actions and monoma was like,,,,wha--

cuz... 1) theres like never actually a reason and 2) he didnt know iida wanted that from him

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:40 AM

H

rickyLast Sunday at 4:40 AM

like monoma barely even recognizes half his actions cuz theyre all based on impulses and tbh if nobody pointed them out he'll just move on like nothing's happened

like he compartmentalizes,,, s o much,,,,,, and then represses it like instantly like TBH

like barely anyone talks about monoma's growing alcoholism so he just keeps doing that, and no one has had the chance to tell him to stop communicating with villains so he kept doing that too but like. Because it wasnt pointed out he barely has a problem with it and can function fine

everyone harps on him for the sex stuff tho so he's just like Drowning In Guilt

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:44 AM

is there literally-- any way iida can actually help him because, i just , wow

rickyLast Sunday at 4:44 AM

sfjgkdfg 

iida: here's a list of questions to communicate with, pls answer monoma: dissociates instantly 

whOH YEAH DEFINITELYi know that sounds all depressing sjhsdfghthe fix is honestly super easy tbh

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 4:45 AM

HE ASKED TWO WHOLE QUESTIO-jvhcfdjsjcxsdjhds

god im glad there is indeed a fix

rickyLast Sunday at 4:45 AM

I WAS TYPING UP MORE META I HAVENT GOTTEN TO IT YET

monoma's problem is literally just that he doesnt have the vocabulary for, like, anything

what he wants is an open relationship but he doesnt know what that is and TO BE QUITE FRANK his only knowledge of one is fucking sen and kosei

so like, he's only hesitating so much cuz he doesnt know how to voice what he wants cuz Tbh monoma hates not sounding smart and being emotive means bumbling around like an idiot

he still feels brushed off tho,

iida bls be sad around him more

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:02 AM

IIDA DOESNT LIKE BEING SAD

its weird for him

he always like

how do i put this

he takes his sadness, pisses on it, and sets it on fire

rickyLast Sunday at 5:02 AM

oh God i just realized iida is doing the same thing the guy i was gay for did FUCKMeJFBJHFBGDG

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:03 AM

oh he pissed on his  sadness too? worm

rickyLast Sunday at 5:03 AM

he did the 'im alright is actually crashing and burning in super slow motion for months at a time' thing

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:03 AM

iida is hollow more often than he is sad

1JDCKCDSNHSDSNDSCJ

rickyLast Sunday at 5:05 AM

meanwhile i had the loudly has breakdowns and then gets upset about being taken care of despite him insisting because of his Fetish for taking care of people thing

me: glares at iidas Fetish

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:06 AM

ok this is more of a hc but

iida likes taking care of ppl bc his parents rarely took care of him uwus

o hes like

rickyLast Sunday at 5:07 AM

CRIES

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:07 AM

being the Dad and Mom he never had

rickyLast Sunday at 5:07 AM

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

see that Sucks cuz my hc is that monoma was raised to be as self sufficient as possible as Fast as possible which meant wow we aint got time for emotions fam just Put Them In A Box

oh is the box overflowing, put the BOX in a BIGGER BOX

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:08 AM

emotionally stunted boys sure are great

rickyLast Sunday at 5:08 AM

i k r

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:08 AM

only in theory tho,

rickyLast Sunday at 5:08 AM

LOL

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:08 AM

irl i wouldve just

choked them

rickyLast Sunday at 5:09 AM

sobs angrily about iida

share your emotions biiiiiiitchhhh

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:09 AM

hits the back of monoma's head

rickyLast Sunday at 5:09 AM

hEY

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:09 AM

just tell him what u want u stupid fuckJCDFJDSSD

rickyLast Sunday at 5:09 AM

HE WANTS YOU TO SHARE HIS EMOTIONS HSFBGJHFGS HE SAID THAT!!!!AND IIDA WAS LIKE, NAH

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:10 AM

IIDA ISNT RLLY THAT SURE OF HIS EMOTIONS EITHER THATS WHY!!!

HE THINKS HES THIS BUT HES ACTUALLY SOMETHING ELSE

rickyLast Sunday at 5:10 AM

THATS MONOMAS PROBLEM TOO YOU BUTT DFHBSDFGJGSG

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:10 AM

FUCK

rickyLast Sunday at 5:11 AM

OHMY

GODSTRANGLES THEM BOTH

IIMONO: FEELINGS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:11 AM

w iida its more like. he knows deep down but he doesnt , think , its important enough , to be addressed

rickyLast Sunday at 5:11 AM

i i d a b l s

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:11 AM

"as class rep i must be a leader before anything else!!!!!"

rickyLast Sunday at 5:12 AM

monoma is honestly like 'iida help this is the very first time in my life i have felt Guilt what am i supposed to do with this!!!!!!

iida: whats wrong monoma: IM SAD????  WHY DIDNT ANYONE EVER TELL ME WHAT A CONSEQUENCE WAS iida: ,

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:14 AM

JXVCDJXCDSAHJSDSDJ

rickyLast Sunday at 5:15 AM

and t b h he kind of is like, automatically expecting like... a Reward for getting this far but iida just kind of keeps being like 'okay cool. and what else'

and monoma is like HJSFBKHBFGS THAT TOOK ME 3 WEEKS TO FIGURE OUT B L S

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:28 AM

fuckcdncnddxjsn

rickyLast Sunday at 5:28 AM

,,,, in person or continue the text

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:29 AM

CCCCONTINUE...they rarely text god pls

rickyLast Sunday at 5:30 AM

TBH YEAH...

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:30 AM

iida has no Time for his phone he needs to read 30 chapters ahead so he doesnt fall behind!!!

rickyLast Sunday at 5:30 AM

monoma is Traumatized by all their other text convos so he doesnt--

im including the times when i post this btw because God Damn i love that its likefucking 5am over here

小林 未郁Last Sunday at 5:31 AM

GO TO BED?

rickyLast Sunday at 5:31 AM

this is 500% a 'im sad texting my bitchass pseudo bae about my feelings at fucking sunrise after they kept me up crying all night' conversation

whats a bed

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 1B - “I'm praying to Yoncé I survive and don't get first boot.”-Jess

no words.

LITERALLY

NO WORDS.

Two points. TWO FUCKING POINTS.

I'm praying to Yoncé I survive and don't get first foot. That ain't a cute look xoxox

i'm already forgetting to search for the idols, i'm already getting paranoid about if i need to start making alliances instead of just enjoying the really cute convos i'm having with ruthie lily and kevin (max is kinda dry and annoying but... we'll try to make it work ig).... and i'm already hating every challenge we do especially this one although i actually really liked the challenge it was so creative and fun, i just hated that i have bad luck and am stupid with the deduction things, HENCE why i havent looked for the idol yet. LOL. so.... tl;dr - things are going perfectly! this hufflepuffle is workin exactly as he should!

I just wanna say we really are the hufflepuffs. 114 moves in like 5 hours, but we did it.  Really proud of Ruthie, Landen, Kevin, Max, and I! Sending positive vibes to slytherin. Hope they are okay in this madness.

Yo my tribe? Kinda dope. I think that everyone worked really well together today! I think Joanna kinda took the lead and some of her ideas were... a choice. But! It got us first place! I think that this tribe has a good shot of getting to swap unscathed.

With Slytherin going to tribal, I really hope that someone I don’t know goes, but at the same time I’d be okay with Jess going? I feel like she’s such a sleeper threat in most games I’m in with her and I really just don’t want to compete with that this time around.

I kind of snapped and got myself an idol good until final 6 teehee.

I knew that the Snape's letter or writing or whatever that freak was up to was SOMETHING. Did I get lucky... hell fucking yeah.

A crackhead like me SHOULD NOT have all this POWER.

I also gave Jacob literally the worst clue ever because we are sharing clues ladies xoxoxo

The clue was:

"Snape is taken aback. “That wouldn’t be any business of yours now would it? I wouldn’t want to find out you are spreading false information. I trust you won’t have any issue with that”. Congrats! You’ve discovered Snape Storyline 2! That’s all for the moment, and will end your search for this round."

BOTH ARE HALF TRUE. Just in case he doesn't put 2 and 2 together and now I went from place to place on purpose. He's gonna think now I gave him something of value and I know he's gonna think "No way someone go an idol on day fucking 3".

CONFESSIONAL 1.1 — Walking into the Great Hall, I saw a few familiar faces... for not good reasons!

First Jacob, who I know from tengaged. He and I were in a similar friend group for a short period before he left it, but we had a rocky relationship. We flirted a bit (blame 16-year-old Nicholas), but that is in the past.

Secondly, Jess... who I just directly sent home in Eve’s The Challenge: Fresh Meat. She did not have great words to say to me (such as I’m condescending), so I was very wary and, honestly, unhappy with her being here.

But, as Kylie Minogue says, it’s better the devil you know.

Flash forward to the Sorting Ceremony, and I’m so happy to be.. Slytherin? I told Mister Vintage (Sammy) and Mister Heinen (Caeleb) that I’m either a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, but I suppose I’ve been lying to myself.

Then, I see my tribe: both Jess and Jacob are present. This is a curse wrapped in a blessing wrapped in an enigma. And, I love it.

I hate, hate, hate conflict and bad vibes, so I directly spoke to both. Jacob did not easily recognize me, but remembered me fondly; so, a successful reacquaintance. Jess, on the other hand, was definitely more apprehensive (as was I), but I made one thing clear: the past is the past, and I am declaring my loyalty.

I have been hurt in previous games by shoving the past aside while the other is still grudgingly aiming for revenge, but I feel Jess is different. She apologized to me about her words, which did hurt, and I apologized to her. What I said was honest, so I’m glad to see a fateful blossoming.

The first reward challenge is revealed, and honestly, I’m really bad at participating in pre-merge competitions, because I do not mind tribal. However, I do want to, since we are such a small tribe, focus on maintaining our numbers in case of a swap. We came in second this reward, and honestly, I’m glad to have eaten cupcakes (although I hate cherry). The fact we all chose a dessert and were privately messaged makes me assume someone received an advantage, but who knows...

What I DO know is that I had two separate relationships, so I wanted to lock a trio down (Me, Jess, Jacob), but I obviously did not want to gamebot this early and make the chat day one. So, naturally, i waited until after immunity.

Speaking of immunity... I took charge, because I like it, but also, I wanted to be able to take blame if we lost. I hate the whole “let’s vote someone out cuz they cost us a virtual challenge” this early in the game, it’s a cheap way to vote. I want to vote on loyalty and activity instead. That’s why I am probably going to target Jessie or Vi, but I‘m unsure as to which will be my vote. On one hand, Vi is much less social, but she also contributed a lot to the challenge. I do not want to judge a book by it’s cover, so I will reach out to her and assess her vibe.

I like going to tribal first, because my philosophy is that it’s better to test loyalties now, rather than guess loyalties later.

Regarding other players, Jules and Juls just played in a mini with me and sheeped the majority alliance to screw me over, so I’m not feeling them right now. Bitterness doesn’t exist in my mind: play well and I respect it; sheep and be stupid, and I will gladly dish out the karma. 

I’m satisfied with the happenings of this game so far, and I hope to make it further!! This is one of my first real orgs so, I’m em definitely excited. x. nick

Yay we won immunity. Raffy do be carrying our tribe though!

WELL WELL WELL!!!!!!! as far as my relationships go which is where i left off last round, really nothing much has changed about how i feel about or view my tribemates, but in exciting news... we won immunity!! i am not going to be first boot that is so nice, and im hoping that we can keep winning immunity until a swap so I can feel more secure. I think I could stand a shot if we lost on this tribe but i think if so the vote would split 3-2 i dont think i can get a unanimous vote on anyone unless its myself which is NOT WHAT WERE TRYNA DO HERE !! if anything i feel like i have the best chance to wiggle myself in with the girls (lily and ruthie) Max would probably be my ideal first vote if we ever lose an immunity because I know landen can be useful in challenges, but he YET AGAIN addressed me with a name that does not sit well with me he called me a "challengewhore" yet another reference to TS 2020, so this is not a good sign. Ideally I could get landen out and still be set but i know he has a relationship with juls who i also have a relationship with and wish to continue to have in this game, and us going against each other could make that more stressful than it needs to be because i know landen avenged beck for voting juls out maybe juls would do the same for him? Much to think about, but thankfully i dont have to think about it all that hard because yet again we ARE SAFE !!! woo, anyways thats pretty much it hopefully we can keep winning :D

Ahhhh safety feels so nice, I’m glad that I’m not in danger of being the first boot. Also I love the fact that ravenclaw won the first challenge with so little moves HAHA!

I want to go far in this thing with lily and with kevin, my goal right now is to get to merge and owen be alive so I can work with him!

I am very happy to have won this immunity challenge. We barely won, but I managed to pull my tribe to a victory. Emphasis on the "I" part. I am very frustrated with my tribe's lack of challenge activeness and ability. If the time did not work for them, then I do not know why they even suggested doing it at 2 PM. This challenge would have gone faster if I had done everything myself. In the end, though, I hope this helps in me staying in the game because I am a necessity if they want to ever win a challenge in first place. I highly doubt that they could do it without me.

So I’m currently writing this with one hand because my cat decided to lie on my other one  anyways Nobody is really talking about the vote which means it’s probably me going but I’ll see what I can do to change that

Here's a breakdown of my first few experiences since I am writing this a few hours before the first tribal council.

FIRST I was cast in this game along with a BUNCH of people that are icons across different formats of Tumblr Survivor - so that's intimidating. Mostly because my play style is kinda vanilla in comparison. I gotta find a way to stand out or I'm going to be thrown out fast.

SECOND There's a twist that will probably have some major effect at some later point in the game where everyone is added to the Great Hall. I think that it's for convenience of posting things like results and challenges so it only has to be sent to one chat... but also so that we can feel THEMATIC which is a lot of fun.

The game started in the Great Hall and we got sorted into our houses and the implication was that it's random but.. I don't think it's entirely true if I can read into what the hosts said to me once I was sorted into Gryffindor (something about running out of room in Hufflepuff) - because I definitely didn't say Gryffindor in my application.

THIRD My tribe has the following people: Joshua, Juls, Raffy, Autumn, and myself. 

I do not know how many of theme said Gryffindor when they applied but also did not want to bring it up to them as I am masquerading as a brave idiot. :D

Anyway, I started conversations with all of them and they all seem very sweet!!

I've played in a game before with Raffy where he was super snakey but also a great ally until he tried to snake me. So there's that... he's also an "over the top" type of person so he takes charge a lot of the time and voices his opinions about everything. I hope we can create some sort of working relationship in the game, but I think that he will tell me the truth if he does align against me.

Autumn is super chill and super strategic-minded. She puts lots of thought into all of her decisions and makes calls that benefit her getting to the end while trying to align with the right people. If I can't get to the FTC of this game... TBH I want to make sure she gets there. I played with her in one game and we both were tossed out one after another when the game turned on our "side". I don't think that relationship will factor into this game as it was forever ago and we both kinda play "new" every time we start a game but I'm hoping she will want to try and play with me just because I've seen how great she is at the game.

Juls is a very fun person who seems to always be having a great time! I found out she lives in Texas too and that she was excited to get to know me because we are from the same state. I was like.. do I know you? Because when she messaged me the way she did implied that she knew who I was and I was thinking OH NO what have people said.

Joshua seems really sweet. He hasn't added incredibly much to conversations so far with him but he has contributed some fun things. I love that he tries to be entertaining, but as I see it so far he's the first person I'd be willing to vote out if it came to our tribe going to council... though of course, having said that I bet they've all declared me their first choice.

FOURTH The reward challenge was the Letter plus Number challenge so as predicted...

I did terribly and earned 0 points for our tribe and was SO happy it was not for immunity.

The immunity challenge was a Choose Your Own Adventure Puzzle.

We got a slow start in that I feel like everyone was afraid to make a move because that would put a target on whoever "failed for the team". Then me and Raffy kind of got things rolling with him taking the main leader role and me taking on a secondary role either agreeing with his suggestions or contributing a suggestion for what we should do.

There was a misunderstanding with the competition and we ended up making a whole bunch of extra moves because it was unclear to us that the letters we found at a later part of the challenge were able to be changed into numbers at a lockbox so we did a bunch of extra stuff... and I was resigned to the fact we were going to the first tribal when we go surprised that Slytherin... DID WORSE!!! O_O

Anyway... I still have no alliances or confirmed "working game" relationships and I really don't feel like starting those conversations at the moment so if I am out of the ones established or on the bottom of one that will add me to "pick me up" for later votes then I blame myself for not trying hard enough in that category.

FIFTH I definitely didn't just now search for the idol and waste two days that I could have searched other times. Nope! Not me!! :)

Anyway I went on a trip to Hagrid's Hut because I love me some Hagrid and I figured he'd let me in since I"m a Gryffindor and he loves us the best (you know, like a reverse Snape)... I dug through all of his junk and found his umbrella. Apparently I liked that it was pink and then left his hut. 

To be honest, I probably should have taken his dragon's egg and turned him in... maybe could have gotten him fired.

Someone finally got me to come out of retirement- can you believe it

It's been cute so far and I have no complaints, probably cause the hosts wisely put me, Owen, and Dan in separate corners lmao. Yooo if we all make it to merge?? Hell hath no fury. But we will cross that bridge when we get there! And for now I enjoy the calm before the storm. I deadass forgot how to be an org so I need all the time I can get to socialize and reacclimate. Me checking Skype more than once a year? Don't remember ever doing that. I love Raffy, it's always good to see Chips, I think I like Juls, and I'm not sure how I feel about Joshua but it's fine. I like Gryffindor cause we have no beef and I hope it stays that way.

ok so my tribe lost :( big sad. but im def ok bc jess is soooo close to me and we made a threesome with nick so. i think jessie is an easy first boot bc shes not around as much as vi. but really its our decision at the end of the day!

here’s the hot goss.. i’m a little upset i didn’t get anyone i Know on my house/tribe but also grateful HSBSNSNN all i know is that so far i’ve been doing pretty solid in securing relationships with those on my team (at least.. i hope so :flushed:) and i’m hoping they all like me hehe. kinda praying to just mist my way to merge where i can be united with people who like me enough to keep me around still.. >:D 

[blastthatsadfm]

shizaya

I love when my mutuals indulge me on my Shizaya Thirst. 

• when or if I started shipping it. Ever since I saw them on the opening and I’m not even kidding. I wish I was.

• my thoughts: Literally, almost every problem those two ever had (including some of the emotional ones) would be fixed if they could find something like a peaceful coexistence. A Truly peaceful coexistence. That could be by just being companions, snarky friends or being a couple (this last one, Im just saying, IM JUST SAYING). 

But at the same time, it just… wouldnt be them, if they didnt have passionate  feelings for each other. So much of their characers, of their actions, of their feelings, of their personality, was build because of their meeting, because of their contact with each other. This is why I cant really see them being close friends without, somehow, falling in love. Or becoming destructive/self destructive again.They’re literally incapable of being indifferent to each others very existence. Not, at least, without taking a huge toll of their energy.

• What makes me happy about them: They’re on each other’s mind all the time and thats canon. Izaya costantly mentions Shizuo when talking about his only exception on his sick, twisted love for humanity. Scratch that, Izaya mentions and talks about Shizuo all the time when nobody asks. 

 Shizuo is reminded of his own brother when he sees Izaya’s little sisters. I though that connection was odd to have with someone you hate; to be reminded of the positive bonds in your life, by remembering the ones your enemy has. At some point in the novels, on Shizuo POV, when he’s wondering about his past, in which everyone was afraid of him, he specifically remembers Izaya as the one who didnt. And then Narita immediately goes “but he was a man! no homo”.

Besides that, they complement each other. In personalities, in color palettes (I draw! Leave me alone!), in actions. They polarize each other on a perfect way inside the narrative.

• What makes me sad about them: WAHT DOESNT MAKES ME SAD ABOUT THEM, I SHIP THESE GUYS ENTIRELY TO SUFFER, IT SEEMS. 

They’re both very lonely. And its due to their own unchanging nature. And they have a very difficult relationship with bonds. Y E T they seek for bonds, each one on their own way. Izaya by rejecting them and creating his own rules about his relationship and dynamics with people. Shizuo, by accepting his loneliness while at the same time accepting he yearns for connecting with others.

They’re both very sad, deeply lonely characters and due to that I think they do understand each other on a level no other character is able to. (Shinra sees it, but from a detached point of view.)They seem to deny it and push it, though.

Obvs, at the end of the novels Shizuo gets better (but at what cost?).

They’ll never be completely happy or free until their conflict reaches an satisfiable end and I do hate the fact Narita pulled away from that at the last fucking second, after an entire, intense and ultimately useless build up.• things done in art/fic that annoys me:

- When they’re already on a stablished relationship but Shizuo is constantly brute and hurtful. So unnecessary. Especially when, on the plot, is constantly uncalled for, when Izaya has barely done anything to be an acceptable target.There’s a difference between this and being snarky, and I cant see Shizuo not being devoted and compromised with a person he’s in a relationship with. Also, because its usually justified that, despite how brute, uncaring and hurtful he acts, “Izaya knows Shizuo loves him”, which is just…. Yeeeaaah, guys, being treated like shit by somebody you do know loves you, doesnt necessarily makes things better.  The same thing for Izaya taunting Shizuo or provoking him on a distressful manner.

((Its not like I dont want conflict in their relationship, but if I start to wonder wtf those people are even doing together, then you’re not handling writing them on a “relationship”. Relationships are supposed to have nice moments once in a while.))

- When people go ~~dark and gritty~~ and cant decide if they love or hate each other, and then tropes like rape and abandonment and emotional abuse are evoked. Dont do that shit if you dont know what you’re going to do with those plot elements.

- People are usually way too afraid of going far with Izaya’s character (which is such a waste, he’s the character to go far with.), afraid of making him OOC and getting him wrong (which I kind of get it). And then they go T o o F a r with Shizuo’s one instead, making him IDK kill people, be angry with everyone 100% all the fucking time, eat 92059482 cakes, act stupid and unthoughtful, and generally being dumb or selfish, which is just… Ok, but what happened with the Silent Shizuo, who honeslty ponders over things while walking the street, and is kind with people he cares about??

 • things I look for in art/fic: Well written Smut To Be completely honest.   Its been months I havent read fics of those two but I used to read all the time. . But  I was usually up to any kind of trope as long as the author made it work.

Oh! Things around their relationship with their siblings or Raijin schoolmates. It honestly surprises me the lack of it.

• Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:  I’m not a multishipper with Shizaya, man. Its all or nothing. Cant see them fitting well (and being honestly happy and peaceful and at ease) with anyone else.

• My happily ever after for them: So many. One in which they slowly learn how to trust each other and how to lean on each other (after, I assume, a lot of heartbreak). One in which, by loving each other and accepting each othe’s love, they learn how to love themselves, for who they happen to be. And then, they get a puppy. 

• what is their favorite non-sexual activity? Play videogames. Imagine those two playing Mario Kart, how fucking competitive wouldnt it be??   They usually end up yelling at each other, at the end. But the fun, overexcited, kind of yelling. 

Also talk, just … talking. Izaya loves to babble on, about philosophy and whatnot, but Izaya also talks about the russian literature he’s read, his favorite authors, his favorite theories, the random trivia knowledge he posses for which he has no use for (”did you know Shizu-chan, that [random useless fact about caterpillars]” “…. …. ..hmm, caterpillars are cute” “are they?? no, theyre not.” “yes, they are.”.).  Shizuo just listens. He likes listening him. Shizuo would also confide him things. Slowly and in parts. Like his feelings of loneliness, his feelings of guilt, his complicated emotions towards his brother, towards his failures, his fights, his violence. Things that make him feel awful but dont anymore. Izaya wouldnt judge, he’s done and thought worse. Izaya would know better how to put into words, talk with Shizuo about myths of monsters, of heroes. Of psychology theories. Fill the silence after every confession, knowing hes doing so and why hes doing so until he gets a laugh out of Shizuo, or leaves him at ease.

Also, maybe watching cartoon when Akane and the Twins come to visit. Izaya overanalyses them or falls asleep, no middle term. Shizuo just enjoy them and makes tea for Akane.

Eat out at the Russia Sushi. Meet up with their siblings for awkward karaoke nights (Kasuka’s idea.). 

Shizuo cooks for Izaya. Shizuo moves in cuz Izaya’s place is nicer. Izaya remodels his kitchen solely for him and Shizuo to cook more confortably. 

Shizuo makes breakfast while Izaya is asleep. He hums or sings while making tasks. Izaya loves hearing his voice from the other room. He could always tease Shizuo about it but he doesnt because he doesnt want Shizuo to stop doing it.

[brothalynchhung]

2019 overview.

this year.. was fucking two years in one. also a little late again but whatever. this is going to be long as FUCK. 

started 2019 in dubai

spent the first couple of days in Dubai on the beach

YOOO AS AM WRITING THAT IT FEELS SO FUCKING LONG AGO HOLLYY SHITT

went to London and just fucked around dt and chinatown lost that damn snake ring fml

I got drunk eating dumplings watching Jeffrey star in that bed LMFAOOOYOO LMFAOOOOOEGJEORIGHSREUG

got back to Ottawa and it was straight GRIND from the get go

back to my last semester of uni 

back to club m (omg.. I miss:( kinda lol)

started that govt job

back to social media marketing for Dubai

3 jobs + school basically

did that dumbass STUPID FUCKING govt job all the way in quebec that I woke up for and travelled for everyday 

would go straight to gym, work again, or school fml

wasn't entirely bad I kinda needed it cuz I applied to a million jobs during that time and did school work LMAO also printed a lot of important shit and got paid so whatever

CAME TO TORONTO IN MARCH W TRAND OMG I FORGOT THAT WAS 2019

SAW VINCE STAPLES!!

AND The fortune teller who like prophisized all this shit goddddd 

iconic if I must say

little did I know...

I miss movati fml lol

working at club Monaco omg ugh they gave me life honestly

fun times w trang cc precious Courtney mich JACK Amanda Raman donia even tho she annoying lol and whoever else I worked w jana jil Daria honestly I just miss Courtney LMFAO uhh jenn was cool too 

I'm never going to forget that place I swear to god I have so much loyalty and pride for my memories for that place im never going to take my experience there for

chilling with avid Vinny and like Alex a bit LMAO he would randomly ask to chill it was weird

that Chinese dinner and chat time thing in his car WHAT WAS THATTT

chilling like a scrub a cu with hector and that crew goddLMAO

avin vin rideau gang

visiting avid at nordstorm the Rui girl and Herman lol he was sofunny

MY BODY IS FOR ME NOT THESE BITCHES LMFAOO 

last class with strangle omg he was iconic honestly 

trang pargol fidede zainab mannnn honestly shoutout old Ottawa friends 

xinyii!! and jelly!! my last times with them

I miss Xinyi so much :( im so happy I got to see her before leaving she was so nice I wish her so much success 

remember working those last shifts at cm like.. yo I feel like things are going to change and my days are numbered.. I feel it. 

did interview after interview, applying EVERYDAY to escape 

the amount of focusing I did on applying around feb and April like I was just focused on working and getting out of there

did two interviews in like 2 hours always on the go always moving always working 

and then like clockwork.. at the govt job.. went to the bathroom knew? to bring my phone with me.. and then right when I left I got a call from mk went into that empty conference room and got the offer. cried. accepted. life changing

I honestly just left that place... went to cm and just.. resigned... put my two weeks in...

and it happened literally in my last week of the govt job..

like fate 

immediately went home told cc precious fam 

fam weren't happy 

BUT I FINALLY ESCAPED!!!! LOOKING BACK ON THIS BLOG AND EVERYTHING I FINALLY F I N A L L Y GOT OUT OF THERE THE BITCH ASS CURSED SHIT CITY NEVER GOING BACKEGIUEHGEIRUGH 

shout out precious for helping me honestly he helped so much 

found my place through hmida who held it down

that whole condo scenario LOL godddd my landlord a HOE

met zgy gvy at precious while I crashed a night

THE MILLIONS OF RIDESHARESSS GOODDDDDD

remember the one I took last minute from Yorkdale LMAO that one wasn't bad honestly I slept good

moving my things packaging them up. like yo.. lol

bringing the boxes from shoppers godddd LOL 

finally landed in Toronto with my place

waiting outside for 5 hours for my damn keys crazy with my suitcase lol... 

THEN FINALLY GOT TO MY FIRST PLACE!! MY FIRST RENTAL CONDO ALL ON MY OWN NO ROOMATES JUST ME

unpacking my things

like just finally having my own place mannn that was my dream for such a long ass time

getting around dt a bit getting used to tdot... 

crazy exciting 

then... 3 days in..

...

met that bitch that fucked me up 

met everything I ever wanted in a person? physically and interest wise and yet?

nothing? 

SO CONFUSED I MET SOMEONE WITH EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I WANTED

first hookup? lost v? 

new city new job new life new home lost v new everything

in 3 days. 

my life crazy..

spent the whole time like until October till low-key NOW just thinking about it bitterly 

my feelings up and down I was drowning in obsession and confusion

I know I fucked it up but it was fucked up since the beginning

shook everything about what I thought I wanted in gl or a person

standards are definitely raised and all men trash and hoes Idgaf

I feel nothing towards nobody

my whole mind switched to money and power. 

gl I love you but you're not here and we got a lot growing to do so imma see ya ass in a couple of years 

anyways started working at mk!!! craziest 3 month probation thing I had 

HOWWW DID I DOOOO ITTTTTTT 

met so much people... holy shit.. zgy,gvy,hailey,gab,aisha,priya,rach,lisa,alex,DANIA, goddddd

clubbing.. mon., thurs... weekenddd... wake up... 8:30 work

how did I do it.... fuck lol

met a lot of hoes.. fucked with Sunday once more before he died bye bitch ass hoe.. Leo, sleeve, uhhh that's it I think actually

CABANNNAAAA

OMG I SAW SEAN PAUL LIVE ICONICC YOO THIS FUCKING YEAR LMFAOOOOO

omg YEAH I SAW NCT IN MY FIRST WEEK OF TO WITH PARGOL LMFAOOO YOOOOO

damn this year was crazy I keep forgetting shit

all the weird ass ppl I met at cabana omg the humber guy YOO THE ASIAN GUY WITH MY KEYS LMFAOOO ZGY FUCKLMFGIESH

omg tsf lmao and like yeah all the clubbing ppl in to fuck 

half and half like didnnt know if I liked it or not but it was crazy

still think about that Frans night the damn milkshake and food omggg

just spent summer exploring to trinity Bellwoods ossington like summer stories clubbing stories

managing my double life lol

SPIDERMAN OBSESSION LMAOOOO TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM THAT BITCH ASS HOE LMFAOOFREJGIEURHSTESUIH THEN I FOUND OUT HE HAS A WHOLE WIFE AND BABY YOOO LMFAOOO

good distraction made work fun when I needed it during my last months of probation LMAO

omg going home during lunch and then back to work ICONIC

leaving the girls at my place and coming back for lunch LMAOOO god really iconic honestly showering and going back to work sleeping hoeing all that LMFAO 

omg the time I left Leo at my place YOO LMAO

still have that expensive ass sweater LMFAO WAT A SIMP

those drunk texts he sent Me in august and I punked him off LMFAOO 😩😂

men trash 

darren Chris rob goddd all those damn ppl I met the one guy who saved me during that blacTHE BLACKOUT CABANNA NIGHT GOD THAT WAS A MESS LMAO TITTIES OUT EVERYTHING but yeah he was low key useless I forget his name highboy but whatever

YOOO THAT GIRLS TITTIES I SLEPT ON NGEIRGHEUHUE ICONIC

I got catfishes twice 😩 the change bitch and the John bitch airehguerihserh FUCKKK LMFAO

AND THEN THE CHANG BITCH WAS TRYNA SAY OH U JSUT LOOK TO ARAB THATS WHY WE HAVNET TALKED AGAINL IKE BITCHHHHH FIRST OF ALL UR A WHOLE CATFISHFHERGUERBKSHETERU AHERUIGESRUYR LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

and then I catfish Sunday to punk him off for revenge and call him a thot and thought he was talking about me for catfish when it was just about another bitch he was hoeing with cuz he a hoe.. Jesus my life wild

SO MUCH SHIT THIS SUMMER UHERGHSREG

gained weight fml I don't even wanna mention it iDONT WANNA TALK

even if it is muscle I dDONT WANNT TALK ABOUT IT

the cabana pool jump... godd... walking home drunkregiuhersguhe fucK 

summer was crazy

nada and mama coming wow that was annoying I rlly can't do family even though I love them

getting high swimming the catfish racing munchies arguing with Alex LMAO 

eating out with Dania gab Lisa the normal ppl I met lool

a lot of stress of money and where I want to go I was in a hella rush idk why I think everything happening so fast made me not want to slow down at all but im finally slowing down 

priya end of the year rebel tiff stuff 

basically drowning in depress and regret around the end of summer cuz everything calmed down and I had the time to think and reflect about everything and yeah.. got super depressed

that bitch cc and her bullshit yo just fucking go bye

notice how there's like no memories with her like yeah there was but they were just annoying cuz she was annoying highkey

thanks for bringing my shit from Ottawa tho dumbass LOL eat a dick

THE HOT TUBBBB SUMMERSSS AND SUMMER NIGHTS 

omg all my emo ass walks at night to the port and water and trillium park in the morning aiohreughresehre writing with my journal god that was actually nice tho 

super peaceful so happy to live near the water highkey

always in between losing myself who am I what do I do now who am I like did I lost myself did I ever have myself

major existential crisis

how did I survive work god 

musicmusiscmusicccc

moviesmovesmoves

readreadread

actually I had a lot of night walking home from the club sad

omg remember the ovo guy fucking loser liar 

as usualllll 

RECORDRESCORSDCRECORDDSSS SO MANY TDOT IS PERFECTT

ugh what else fuck too much shit happened OH YEAH

my birthday with the girls and the bbq!! the cake!! omg so nice :((( so funny lol

that weirdo ass man that I still see in the gym sometimes god help me lol 

passing my probation!!!! and then like finally fitting in and feeling apart of mk and the “family” lol

CLARK KENT AND SCOTTISH MANS MAKING MY LIFE EVRYDAYYYYYugh love them

got a moomin from Scottish mans 🥺 love him

anyways got depressed drowning in obsession.. nothing surprising there 🙄 

got high and drunk like bottom of the barrel... 

right before pargol came LMAO 

oh yeah I went to Ottawa because yo I was going out of my mind about losing myself.. needed to go BACK to the place I hated to find myself

went back and it was like??? everything was the same.. still saw vin and avid and Herman at Rideau still had bbt with them 

still fucking around hector and that whole crew had Ivan his girl moe.. ribal..Kyle YO lol that weird ass club experience AS USUAL Ottawa clubs trash god

apple picking same year in a row wit z <3 and hamza and fams lol

saw the kids and got to be stupid again loool 

anyways came back to my actual life

like it just felt weird knowing that the place I had all my memories and experiences in like.. felt nothing

even the forest felt weird like I didn't need to be there anymore?

as much as tried to drown myself in obsession and my past and bad habits.. I couldn't?

im being forced to move forward and learned Sunday was the last experience it was just eye opening

after the emotional shit I sat down again and had a whole purging 

I never felt that bad and horrible and drowned in obsession since raglan..

like.. deleted the hidden pictures... the feeling.. like I've done this before...

that was the final straw..

you think its over just because I am dead but its not over..the games just begun.

never again. 

anyways I met Aisha!!! love her vibe with her heavy

introduceed me to the sugar shit YOOOO LMFAOOO

THEN WE STARTING PIMPIN AND MAKING EXTRA MONEY

NO MORE MONEY STRUGGLE 

GOT FUCKED OVER HEART TURNED COLD NOW WE FOCUSING ON MONEY CAREER POWER PLAYING THESE HOES FOR THEY MONEY AND RECLAIMING MYSELF 

weird ass fucking people but get the money and go 

stack up crazy and saving up this past few months 

and just chilling w friends and therapy sessions

scheming and planning for the future

therapy sessions

got close with Lisa

oh yeah BOLO!! UGH BEST GYM

ALSO OMG I FORGOT I SAW BROCKHAMPTON AGAIN!!! AND SOMEHOW GOT TO THE BARRIER AND LITERALLY HAD SO MUCH INTERACTION WITH KEVIN LIKE SINGING TOGETHER AND THEN HE CAME DOWN SAID I GOTCHU AND TOOK TWO PICS WITH ME FUCKGIERGEIUTHSEUH THAT WAS INSANEEE MY LIFE WILDDDD 

iconic holiday party and New Years with again like random weird ppl and my girls exemplifying how wild and fresh the whole experience of this year was 

at least I be waking up warm and clean in MY PLACEby myself with no bullshit 

just like.. got a new place new job new city basically live the life I always wanted? reading movies? new friends no problems? wtf how my life change so quick

new interesting experiences

getting drunk high dancing at my place out in these streets just meeting bare people all these new people and experiences holy shit... 

and like yeah im not where I want to be but this progress and process is FUN now 

everything a strategy and a move and love staying busy 

wish I had more free time tho I never feel rested my life fucking crazy LOOL

that weirdo bitch who thought he was dating me UGHHH BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL JUST FOR A CAR AND FOOD BITCHARE U CRAZY 

power trip crazy im so sorry jfc 

anyways block and move on

met Chris and we still talking for like 3 months in a row god... lol gunna see him Saturday idk was the HALE going on 

im like surrounded by hoes???? and I don't want it GOD I JUST BEEN FOCUSING ON ME AND MONEYFUCK EVERYONE ELSE 

idek what else maybe im missing shit but this whole year wild best year of MY LIFE though

idk what the fuck gunna happen in 2020 cuz my split lives and the chaos and playing hoes and always thinking about opportunity and abundance and money got my mind and moves all wrapped in strategy but we only ONNLY ONLYYY GOING UP from here no excuses lets fucking go I always say this but 2019 was fucking wild and you know what.. lets fucking go 2020 LETS FUCKING GO as long as I don't gain weight LMFAO lets fucking GO. money and power on my mind exclusively. gl imma see you in 2 years. focusing on bigger things but at least im OUT HERE and ESCAPED and we onLY ATTRACTING AND MANIFESTING ABUNDANCE 

[otomelavenderhaze]

Hey, i just wanted to say that i think you got what the anon was saying wrong ^^' they didn't mean in the media in general (i think we all understand the issue with representation in the media) but they were talking about their OCs, their characters, specifically like if they have a bi characters and one person says 'to me the character is straight', or the reverse. sorry for my english i don't know if i explained well but i hope you don't get mad at me

My real mistake was putting only media when I should’ve said social* media. Cuz lets face It, there is tons of straight characters and only some lgbt’s ones in the media. Maybe thats why its so hard to ppl to detect them.

Okay so about her ocs. I saw it. Thats why I talked about Number Six and tried to show to her that the professionals writters (or most of them that I know) don’t care about hcs (or even about explaining all their characters sexuality). And I will take other exemple: Sekaiichi Hatsukoi. There is… 6/8 characters in a non straight relationship in this anime/manga. And I could easily say that Takano is bi, Ritsu is gay/Demi, Kou is pansexual, Shota is gay, Chiakie is assexual and Hatori is demi too. 

You could totally disagree with me :’) and If tomorrow the writter say by any chance that Takano is pan I will keep thinking for the rest of my life that Takano is bi kkkkkkkk and all my theories about their sexuality is only theories kkkk they don’t belong to me, I can’t just force everybody to agree with me :3 specially because they’re not mine character. Ppl are used to act like me doing those theories cuz there is no real and good representation in the media, that’s a fact. 

I’m very confortable with you asking me It, cuz I also have my ocs and if by any chance someone come to my ask box or in my chat saying that Neshaa is straight or lesbian for some reason… It couldn’t bother me. Neshaa is bissexual. Nobody can change that cuz she is my character. If someone still insisnt that she is straight (cuz the only hcs that she really have is with Armin, Iori and some draws with Bill) thats kinda my fault. I didnt had the time to create a whole romantic background for her yet :’) and there is no draw of her kissing a girl and this is my mistake. Even so other ppl don’t have a say in her sexuality. Of course I take ppl’s opinions in consideration, but… She only exists because of me, this give me the right do make her the way that I want kkkkkkkkkk you get what I’m trying to say?

You need the maturity and be chill enough to know how to deal with It. Boy, how many times ppl asked me about the fact that Neshaa is a kitsune or even a half kistune? xD That talk exists since she got the fox ears (its been a year and time to time ppl come asking me about It). Why I dont give up and just do her as a normal kitsune? Because she is not a normal, tradicional kitsune, my boy, and its not because she is my character kkkkkk she have a whole human life in her back, she have a sister, she had parentes, she have friends and a boyfriend and they all are humans. She have all the teenagers feelings and confusions. “So why she is not only human?” :’) belive me, so many ppl could ask me that because ppl don’t understand what I’m trying to do with her. And I could ask: why make her normal If I can make her a half kitsune with powers and emotional dimension? “But you could make a character like that in eldarya” my boy, I have others hcs in eldarya and they’re ready I dont want to change It kkkkkkkkk becouse of that, you need to fucking say what you want/need and impose yourself. Its your character. Even If its kinda your fault some wrong impressions that ppl does about your oc, how can you not say that they’re wrong? And why this bothers that anon SO MUCH? 

It’s kinda insulting. :’) What is so BAD about someone saying that her oc seems gay/bi/demi/pan, even If they aren’t any of that? Why bothers this person so much feeling like the lgbt comunity “shame straight ppl”? Dude… I saw the same thing in my dash and I don’t rebblog It cuz its not a rebblog that defines what I belive/my values kkkk its a such simple thing and its really makes me wonder what is begin that behavior of that anon kkkkkkkkkkkk thats why I agree with Skull he/she need to educate himself/herself for not saying stupid things kkkkkkk. 

[psyopmyself]

new nihilism ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (งツ)ว

all i really wanna do rn is buy a plane ticket to california get weed a bong cigs and take 80 chops on the beach get in the ocean actually be able to feel myself and then bring my high ass to the airport and fly home to caoimhe. i don’t have the energy or motivation to take a bath. today i realized i need to get a divorce. i’m getting a divorce. god turned into the devil. i need to cry for a moment. just let myself bleed. 

its not fair. i didn’t sign up for this and i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. i feel one morbid funeral home of a world right now and a part of me wishes i really wished to kill myself but i pretty much already fucking tried and i know too much about the universe and physics to think that i’m going to end up anywhere else other than Here if i do it myself. so let me fucking talk instead. dad. please. bring me to you. i hate it here. where are my people? i don’t know where jesus is. i am looking for him and i can’t see him fucking help me. i don’t want to be lonely. i am tired of only hearing my own voice and having god claim it as his and convincing myself that he has my voice. jesus. i can’t fucking find him anywhere just because god told me he conveniently hid him “everywhere”?? what kind of idea was that? smFh i’m going to let myself get what i want in this long ass lifetime i’m going to have because of technology and you don’t get a damn say in influencing that anymore.  i fucking hate you. i need to get out of this body somehow and the only ways i know don’t feel good enough. where is the mindless sex. i want to be fucked to death you liked that didn’t you you said that’s what will make me feel better but then i trusted you more than i trusted myself and lived in your world and guess what? there is nobody around to do the job i fucking hate this place. nobody is good in bed. i hate you. i hate you for making me do this. fuck you and fuck everything that is you. i don’t want you like this and i don’t know what to say to myself in a world where i let you live and when i look in the mirror all i see is beauty yet all i feel is anger that i am standing there alone. and i can’t see my other half of my heart my soul standing next to me cupping my face while i cup his and we are saying the exact same thing to each other. what was the point of that ambivalence? you’re stupid. so fuck you god. i’m over it. i am so officially done. i fucking loathe waiting and i am tired of getting strung along. you whore. i want a divorce. when is my time up?????? i want to “DIE” now but that doesn’t actually explain what i wanna do right now so you have failed and it is over. I am done. i need change and it needs to change me. me. come in me fucking come in me i hate this torture i hate it all. i am crying why aren’t you helping me you sit and watch and tell me to keep smiling because that will help but what the fuck am i supposed to say never the fucking less to think when i’ve smiled to the point that i can’t feel a single muscle in my body anymore nothing feels real with you i have been begging for lifetimes believing in you for somebody to touch me and nobody sees me. i hate being a fucking virgin like this. I literally move time. i don’t like keeping secret anymore. where am i and where are you? what am i? you keep telling me i need you to find out and i know thats a lie. i am so afraid. what do i do. i don’t want to be this close anymore. and i know you’re seeing me right now laughing, reading this, while i write this, and i fucking hate you because i know i have no literally no fucking choice other than choosing to keep living to keep writing keep breathing for me but you also think its for you. and right now i hate having to know that one day even i am going to laugh at this with the thought of you sitting next to me. so let me laugh alone one day you sick fuck. fuck you for making me laugh at my own pain. it’s not funny now because it wasn’t funny then and i remember. so fuck you. it’s over. i don’t want your army of angels anymore i have my body. you made this and you made me and you abandon when i ask and you deliver when i am screaming for a blindfold and you have my friends hold my eyelids open. i don’t know what exactly intuition and synchronicity are yet but if it has anything to do with you then i don’t want it anymore. i want me and my mind only. you mislead me. you hurt me twice now and i don’t care for a third time. so i am abandoning you. you will continue to exist in one world and in this world i am atheist and there is only me. my faith in what is right before my eyes and what i hear coming through my ears has nothing to do with your interpretation anymore and i’m done paying attention to your books. writing something called “jay’s journal” and having my big’s friend give it to me? funny. he’s a friend. so. it’s anew lifetime. i already saw it all. that idiot accidentally gave me the entire handbook before he passed out drunk. who want’s to run the world with me without god? i think he is a piece of shit and outdated. i have all the ideas with or without his voice and i know enough about how technology works to know that whoever really needs to get this message from me actually will eventually. Because that’s the world I want. So when you do, whoever you are, receive it. there is no such thing as privacy and that used to make me cry so i listened to that bastard god and tried to work with it and love it and that hurt too so i guess fuck it.  that’s how science works if you see anything you see it cuz you’re open to it. so welcome. whoever you are whatever you are and whenever and wherever you get this. it’s right. privacy really isn’t a thing in your world and my life depends on a locked door. so i’m reinventing death because you make me want to die and i don’t want to leave this place just yet but i don’t want you around anymore either. so. i’m not talking to anybody but myself right now. fuck a front door and fuck a back door i want to blow the entire place up. god talked to me. he pushed his finger into my heart at one point and told me this is what matters most. i’ve never forgotten that. it’s in my DNA and everything I want is mine. i saw it all covered in gold a year or so ago that sounds like a nice world to build. jokes on you. go ahead and kill me. i know what i am and what i’ve made and even if this is your game you made a character that can’t die. L. God, you have hurt me. you confuse me and you delude me. i am swimming in circles and including you doesn’t make sense anymore. i need to take full responsibility for this lifetime and so I have to leave you. your words and your numbers and your songs don’t mean anything to me other than what i make of it when it’’s right in front of me or when i think of them and doesn’t that kinda make them my words and numbers and songs then in the first place? i’m really calling it off this time my love. it was so beautiful while it lasted, but this lifetime  is not working out for me anymore and we need a new relationship. one where there is no interference. i can feel myself giving up on a dream right now and i know whatever i see tonight during my sleep will show me even bigger dreams and mountains to climb. modern psychics says that the very act of observing something changes it and i am stepping out of the dressing room i so carelessly let you into. you’re not invited to watch me anymore. you took my privacy away to the point that i felt like i could never be alone and i don’t want a world like that damn it 3 is a fucking crowd. and i have plans. i am not going to tell you my secrets i’m going to tell them to myself and my friends now and you’re not allowed to be a fly on the wall for that either anymore. leave. i calm my own storms and i make my own waves. and i feel better when you sit in the corner and stop distracting me. so, i’m putting you in a box god. and i’m moving that box into storage. thanks for the memories. you didn’t take my dad from me. a car accident did and i don’t need to negotiate with you anymore to have a relationship with him. he is mine he is my angel he is my dad i made him and he made me too. bye bitch. signing off. I’m in control and if i wanted to i could kill myself right now. believe me. in me, you make me want to do that. when i think about everything believing in you has put me through and that it has all lead me to this very moment you give me every single proof in the world for why life is so beautiful it is literally mundane and i could enjoy it just as much in this body as out of it. you made me get bored of rainbows. how dare you? loser.  if i was living in your world right now i probably would kill myself. i think you’re mad at me that you don’t have a body and i do. but i’m in mine and in my world why would i ever eliminate the main actor? no. i’ll pass. certainty feels a lot better than optimistic confusion. it’s mine. i ate the entire fucking world and licked the plate clean too. i think i’m gonna make myself some dessert now ~~~~(._.~)(~._.)~~~~~~~~~~~~<3

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