#but thats what happens when you torture someones brain

[wheresthecheesecloth]

carrie the musical is a more realistic depiction of high school than heathers is, except for the whole telekinesis thing

[etoiile]

"BE BRAVE"

starring chigiri hyoma!

synopsis: after being your roommate for a little over half a year, chigiri can say without a doubt that he's never met someone like you. you're sweet, funny, and just a great friend. but what happens when he wants to be more than that?

warning(s): not proofread but im p sure i didnt grammar correctly, mild swearing, gender neutral reader

notes: i want him your honor

"im back.." you mumbled, kicking off your shoes and practically throwing yourself onto the couch.

"well, dont you sound energetic." he joked as he turned off his phone and sat down next to you. "rough day?"

"ugh you cant even begin to imagine." you grumbled. "shit day. start talking. distract me."

"hmm..." he thought. "my day was pretty uneventful. i got let out early and just caught up on some stuff."

"who were you texting earlier? got any tea?" you questioned sleepily with a yawn. gossip sessions with chigiri were your absolute favorite. whenever he texted someone, there was usually some sort of news. plus, he gossiped like a girl and you were here for it. (sorry but chi is just so freaking canonically girlypop)

"nah. i wish, though. just talking to my older sister about some... stuff." he trailed off, racking his brain for a new subject.

"you hungry?" he asked, motioning towards the kitchen.

"yeah. will you carry me?" you asked tiredly, giving him your best puppy dog eyes. you were too tired to move on your own.

chigiri rolled his eyes at you, but still let you climb onto his back regardless.

as he carried you to the kitchen, he couldn't help the way his heart would leap out of his chest every time you left out a sleepy groan or would shift a little in his hold before nuzzling into his back. he couldn't help but imagine being here with you, in this apartment, though not as roommates or even friends, but lovers. he couldn't help how he could never be mad at you, despite what he'd say. he couldn't help how every time you did literally anything, he could feel himself falling deeper in love with you.

"well, think about it this way, chi." his sister had texted. "you've got two choices before you. confess or dont. correct?"

"yeah"

"WRONG. there's only one choice. by doing nothing, youre doing nothing but self torture. you'll always be thinking about how much you want to hold her but cant, and you'll have to watch her go on dates and even get ready for them. obvi, thats no fun. imo, just go for it, honestly. gotta be brave, yk?"

at the time, chigiri said something along the lines of, "maybe i will, maybe i wont. we'll see." before turning off his phone to greet you.

now, as he thinks about his feelings, he's never been more sure. he's never felt this way about anybody else before. its not like his past relationship where it was thrilling and exciting but exhausting. the way he feels with you is different. you feel safe. warm. comforting. you feel like a warm, sunny breeze after a cold rain. you feel like home. you feel like warmth. you feel like love.

he gently set you down at the kitchen counter before heading to the fridge.

"we dont have much food because SOMEBODY forgot to buy groceries." he teased. "we have fruit, eggs, bread, tobiko roe, rice, and instant ramen."

"yeah, yeah. anyways.." you then started batting your lashes at him like a maniac. "would you mind making me some ramen, my dear, sweet chichi?"

chigiri's heart leapt at the use of the word "my." he could feel his cheeks start to heat up and he quickly turned around.

"yeah, yeah, as you command." he rolled his eyes (for the 349348th time) and got to work.

"dont forget the eggs!"

"just be brave," his sister had said.

pfft. "just be brave?" give him a break! it just wasn't that simple. he couldn't risk the friendship most beloved to him. he just couldn't!

he watched as the seasoning gently bubbled with the noodles as he gently stirred the pot with a pair of wooden chopsticks, humming along to a tune he'd heard on your playlist absentmindedly.

"CHIGIRI?!" you suddenly yelped, clearly taken aback.

"what? is something wrong?" he asked calmly but concerned, praying that you weren't hurt as he set down the chopsticks and ran to you.

his cheeks were met by your palms as you squished his face together. "you're humming "cruel summer" by taylor swift! ive done it! youre a swiftie!" you let go as you squealed and leaped for joy, jumping about.

"chigiri's a swiftie! chichi is a swiftie!"

he chuckled as he watched your antics when suddenly, you crashed into him as you jumped.

you looked up from his chest and were met with his gorgeous pink orbs. it stunned you for a moment. they were so captivating, like they were gently chorusing a beautiful melody. you felt yourself sinking into them when suddenly, you realized the position you were in.

there was maybe an inch or two separating your lips from his. flustered, you quickly drew back, though you didnt exactly want to.

"sorry! um, my bad. i was just thinking! about how your eyes? uh... about how taylor swift has... uh... actually, what am i saying I WAS ACTUALLY-" you stammered as you tried to find an excuse for lingering much too long in his arms. staring into his beautiful eyes. on his chest. his muscular, toned, delicious... STOP.

suddenly, chigiri felt something. it wasn't embarrassment, it wasn't anxiety, it was... bravery.

gently gliding over to your flustered and still stammering figure, chigiri took your hands and looked you in the eye, freezing you.

"y/n, youre my one of my best friends." he said, his melodic voice gently wafting through the air. he then gently leaned down to your ear and in a low whisper, said:

"the thing is though, i dont want you like a best friend."

you were left frozen.

"a lyric from "dress." not bad, am i right?" he asked with a sly grin.

as the great taylor swift said, (in "its time to go") when the words of a sister come back in whisper, he realized that his sister was, as much as he hated to admit it, right. all he needed was to be brave.

𝐄𝐓𝐎𝐈𝐈𝐋𝐄 ©𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 please do not copy or repost my work on any other site. interactions appreciated! 🤍

[many-but-one]

i believe survivors of RAMCOA when they talk about the abuse they suffered, but the one thing i cannot wrap my head around is how abusers purposefully program alters? and this makes the moral ocd worms in my brain go NUTS.

i think i dont understand bc not every child who goes through severe torture/abuse will develop DID/OSDD and it feels way more probable that abusers arent attempting to make alters so much as theyre conditioning certain responses (and if a childs brain happens to split these experiences into alters then thats a byproduct that benefits the abuser).

all of this makes me feel like a bad ally to RAMCOA survivors, and while its not your job to educate me would you mind explaining how the programming alters aspect works?

[Trigger warning: talking about how programming works and why not all children who experience RAMCOA develop DID or may not end up becoming fully programmed. Brief mentions of child death. Mentions of child torture. Nothing in detail, obviously. Also talking a lot about how the deprogramming process works. If you are a programmed system yourself and you worry this could be triggering, have grounding items nearby just in case.]

Note: when I say “successfully” or “properly” programmed system, I’m talking about in the eyes of the abusers. Also, this is talking about TBMC (torture based mind control) programmers. I have to put that disclaimer because you wouldn’t believe how many confused computer programmers I’ve gotten in comment sections on other socials.

So, the reason not every child who goes through RAMCOA develops DID is because developing DID requires some pre-requisites. Things like genetic predisposition to dissociate actually do make a big difference. Also, how early the abuse started. If someone goes through RAMCOA trauma, but not until they’re older and their personality has already begun integrating (which can happen younger in some children, even as young as around age 5-7, though some researchers have said personality integration can happen as late as the teen years) it will be significantly harder to develop DID and therefore properly program the child. In addition, how much access programmers have to the child, how long they had access to the child, and how much support the child has outside of the abuse are also contributing factors.

If programmers see this kid one week out of the month, the parents don’t know about it and therefore the kid has a relatively okay home life with love and support, and they only have access to the kid for a couple years, that’s not going to be good grounds for programmers being able to properly do what they want to do. Some may still try if they don’t have access to anyone else, but this rarely creates a “successful” programmed system. Conversely, if they see the kid every day or multiple days a week, a parent is in on it/they have a bad home life where abuse (of possibly a lesser magnitude but not always) occurs, the parents are neglectful or very busy and likely to not notice things, and they have access to this kid for several years, that makes for a better chance that this kid will be properly programmed.

Because of all of these factors, programmers will often pick children who they know have parents with PTSD or CPTSD (or a dissociative disorder, if the parent has disclosed that to them), who they can access early in their life or have prior history of abuse (so are more likely to already have begun developing a dissociative disorder), and whom they have access to frequently. Sometimes, the child’s parent will be programmed by the group themselves and be born quite literally just to be programmed by the group. Some groups take great care in keeping family groups within the group because that creates stronger loyalty bonds and gives them easy access to children to program. It’s not uncommon for a group goal to be for their grown programmed systems to have kids to eventually give to the group, which is why apprehending a programmed system and having them work on deprogramming before this can happen is essential.

A lot of kids that programmers desire to program actually end up “failing out” because they aren’t able to take to the programming. Depending on the group, this could mean they will end the kid’s life or they will just stop the programming-related abuse altogether. And contrary to what most people know, even successfully programmed children have loads of failed programs, or parts that didn’t take well to programming. Most of the time these parts who have failed programming will be put in “discard areas” in the system’s inner world, and they will be either forced into dormancy or they will be stuck there until amnesia barriers eventually break down as the grown person starts to work on deprogramming (if they ever do.) A successfully programmed system’s most active parts are parts who did not fail their programming, and these are often the most well-rounded parts retrofitted with a personality that would have likely been created by the abusers.

To add: there is often layers upon layers of amnesia even in these single well-rounded parts (that often end up having an alters-in-alters subsystem, and said part might not even be aware they have one) and the “top part” or most front-facing part of that subsystem may not even be aware they are programmed. At least, until a cue happens and their program starts running and they start doing things they wouldn’t normally be doing. A lot of programmed parts don’t even know their own cues or even what traumas they have that would have created their programming. They might know they have trauma, but the memories of the programming might be missing, or the context surrounding the programming traumas might be missing. Usually these cues and context behind the traumas are hidden in EPs or fragments that are buried pretty deep within their subsystems. Accessing these EPs in therapy is integral to the deprogramming process, as learning what manipulations were done to make a programmed part believe what they do is essential in undoing it. All deprogramming really is, is showing programmed parts that what their abusers made them believe was true is a lie and that they are not at risk to be harmed anymore if they no longer have contact with the group. (Cutting off a system’s communication with the group is first and foremost what they should do when deprogramming)

As for your assumption, that abusers are trying to condition children and these experiences happen to split an alter to hold the conditioned response, you are partially right. In some cases, especially in cases where it’s a single parent or a family unit doing this to their own kids, it’s often more likely that the parent is not fully aware that they are creating a DID system. This is where the difference between programming and conditioning is important to note. We made a video about this here: link to TikTok video.

However, in larger groups, programmers do know they are creating a system. DID is not some unknown secret to much of the world, and research about it is easy to find. Even inexperienced groups can find research on DID and how alters form very easily and use that to try and create a system in a child. Whether or not they will be successful with that info alone is hard to say. I was abused by two different groups, one of them inexperienced and one of them very experienced. The initial attempts at programming were often unsuccessful, and we assume they got in contact with the experienced group to learn more and they essentially showed our main handler/programmer how it was done. (We have memories of him being taught and observing/taking part as necessary to the teachings, so this is not speculation, we know this was the case.) Once we were in the hands of the experienced group, we became very well programmed and our system’s organization changed massively. On top of that, the inexperienced group was now experienced, so we actually have alters who are programmed by two separate groups, each loyal to their own group. Some of our parts were loyal to both because they were programmed by both. (“Were” loyal because we’ve deprogrammed significantly and they no longer feel loyal to the groups anymore.)

Like I said in my initial post, programming alters is actually not that complicated on the surface, though in practice it is difficult, and to create a well programmed system takes a lot of skill and intelligence. Skilled programmers are unfortunately often incredibly smart individuals. Anyone who’s been willing to speak with me about their programmers often cite them as being people with high level college degrees. Doctors, engineers, mathematicians, scientists, psychologists. If not a college degree, they often work in areas like police work, political work, religious ministry, or other city/county/state positions. If none of these, they (horrifyingly) tend to work in areas where children are often present. Pediatric doctors/nurses, summer camp counselors, Sunday school teachers, daycare attendants, nannying jobs, teaching, etc. While not all programmers will fit this bill, a lot of them do. In the world outside of their programming job, they are often well-liked by their community. This is not to say everyone in these positions is a programmer, also. Want to make that REALLY clear. Not every person with this job has a secret side job of torturing kids, these just happen to be common areas they tend to gravitate toward. They are often thrill-seeking sadists and egocentric. Having a position in their community in which they are consistently recognized for their accomplishments or adored is often important to them. Sometimes, programmers are also programmed themselves, especially in large groups with generational aspects involved.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’m not going to explain in explicit detail how programming works because that doesn’t make me comfortable to share, but a very dumbed down version of it is pretty simple:

1) torture child to create alter splits

2) get one of these splits to front via triggers related to the torture that caused them to split

3) indoctrinate them with a behavior or action that, if they do not do that action, means they will be punished further. While they are doing said action/being indoctrinated with certain beliefs, have a specific trigger or cue present so that when they see that trigger/cue in the future, they will immediately do the action/enforce the beliefs they have been taught.

4) repeat steps 1-3, basically.

This is why I explained that programming is kind of like conditioning on steroids. Except the child is severely manipulated, tortured, and has extreme threats of harm to self or others to reinforce it, and this is done repeatedly, to the point where it causes the alter extreme duress if they do not do their assigned task because if they didn’t do their task in the past (in childhood) they would be tortured or would have to witness other children be tortured. They will fully believe if they do not do the thing, they or others WILL be hurt, and they believe the programmers WILL know if they don’t, so they often just do it automatically in efforts to avoid the punishment they believe is coming. It is extremely hard for them to override the emotional flashbacks, somatic flashbacks, etc, if they try to resist doing the task. Adding onto that, programmers will often create alters who will punish parts in the inner world the same way the abusers would if they do not do their task, so that is another layer of fear on top of that. These programmed parts often cannot distinguish the difference between outer world torture and inner world torture, as they rarely get contact with the outside world except to do their tasks. So if they don’t do their task, they will be punished by alters in the inner world space and they may fully believe they are being punished in real life. Creating safe spaces for alters to go in the inner world if they don’t do their assigned task is an important part of deprogramming. Because once an alter realizes they will not be punished both externally and internally by not doing a certain action, they will be much less inclined to do said action.

If all of that sounds extremely messed up and fucks with your moral OCD, you’re right to feel that way. It is messed up. These people are vile, fucked up, and cruel. They often do not see the children as human beings and care not of how much this damages the child physically, psychologically, and emotionally. These children are dehumanized beyond belief. Many programmed parts of a system do not see themselves as human unless they were specifically meant to be human. Commonly created alters are things with no free will or no ability to think for themselves, such as angels, robots, and inanimate objects. If a child truly believes they cannot think for themselves, it will be harder to deprogram them. Which is why deprogramming often involves teaching the grown system that they are allowed to make choices outside of their group’s desires and control. It is not easy.

For those that read this and are feeling dissociated and/or anxious, remember your grounding techniques. Get some mints, cinnamon candies, or sour candies and munch. Smell a strong scented candle. Hold some ice or hand warmers in your hands. Look around the room and pick out items that you recognize to be from the present. Pet a cat/dog/[insert animal here] or hug a stuffed animal. Remember, it is currently 2024 and you are safe. Your abusers will not know you read this unless you tell them yourself. You are brave, capable, and safe. I believe in you and your healing journey.

Take care, everyone.

[silly-salty-utdr-rants]

an unnecessarily in depth analysis of my take on underfell papyrus

before we begin: let it be known that none of this is properly confirmed or canon, this is all based on the version of underfell that almost solely exists in my brain. also the quality of grammar, spelling, and translation of brainrot to coherent essay is not guaranteed. also uf!papyrus belongs to underfella

to start lets look at the very basics, what would it take to turn papyrus, the only person to believe even the worst of the worst can improve, the causation (however indirectly) of the true pacifist route, the only monster that will never kill frisk, the sole creature in the entire world of undertale to be dubbed the sadistic fuckface flower's favourite, that the world is kill or be killed? allow me to spin you the tale of how i think it happened.

maybe once upon a time when uf!papyrus was just a kid, he wanted to be a hero. he wanted to be a pacifist in a kill or be killed world. maybe, even unintentionally, he constantly put both him and his older brother in danger. and one day, he tried to spare the wrong people, so both he and his brother were scarred in the process causing a crack over the eye for papyrus and a lost tooth for sans. and on this fateful day papyrus was faced with the choice, kill the attackers and survive or spare them and be killed. and maybe since he's still alive as an adult, he chose to kill, thereby gaining his first LV.

at least thats what i think happened. this traumatic event would cause a number of changes in his life, including, ditching his former obsession with "being a hero" in favor of being a villain, on several occasions being peer pressured to murder, and being more harsh to sans.

BUT. as i have said before and will say again, papyrus' soul is almost definitely bravery and integrity so his preference for pacifism isnt going down without a fight! maybe his whole "kidnapping and torture chamber" schtick is an excuse to not have to kill someone while not being seen as weak. maybe he lies about how many people he's killed or how much LV he has when in reality both numbers are shockingly low. maybe he wants to be captain of the guard so he can delegate the killing to others. maybe he hates asgore because its because of him that their world is like this. maybe he never kills the human. one thing i've never understood is whether or not he kills or spares the human or if he does the whole "OOP YOU'RE AT ONE HP! TIME TO GO TO THE CAPTURE ZONE!" thing. i like to think that he does. hell ive already done a whole damn drawing on what i think it would look like.

⬇️

so yeah. he spares frisk. and maybe adopts them

one last aspect of this guy that intrigues me before i go! what is underfell papyrus' dynamic with flowey? maybe he respects flowey a ton. maybe papyrus is envious of flowey's courage to run away from fights and defuse them instead of hurting the opponent. maybe they're the only one that the other truly opens up to.

but these are only my thoughts on the dude because frankly, there arent enough character analysis about uf!paps. feel free to add your own! or not! i dont care!

[moonshynecybin]

Marc not being with Vale in Austin is fine because Vale crashed anyway and it's been a week since Argentina and Vale is still processing what Marc said (and it's not like they picked each other 100% of the time when things were fineTM, so, anyway)

Marc not picking Vale in Sachsenring, though? After the moment they had in Barcelona? Definitely feels wrong and Vale burns with jealousy (which was Marc's plan all along) (Vale goes out that night and picks up someone and it's the least satisfying one night stand he's had in forever) (and he's fully the one to blame for it)

I think it also shows Vale that Marc is not as desperate as he might have thought (and let's face it, there was obviously something satisfying thinking he had the upper hand there) and it fucks him up a little too

context on this post!! go read it...

see in my brain im thinking marc is enough of an all-or-nothing dichotomous little guy that he DOES choose vale every time he can... idk how that would work out with the rules of podiums but i have been tortured by enough gifsets (wait a minute you made some of those. find them here friends) of his 21 year old self wallpapering his room with valentino merch (and his own merch like he WAS doodling mr marc marquez rossi <3 in all of his notebooks rip king) that i think the first time he chooses anybody else is post ARGENTINAAAAAA 2018. down horrendous. down catastrophic. down so bad we might have to send him to the medical center so they can declare him medically fit to ride anyways. and thats not as fun for jealousy stuff anyways bc by then vale has realllllllly entrenched some narratives in his brain and would simply repress that <3

so!!! this au hath been set in the 2016 season where marc is half agony half hope.... one word from you would silence me forever.... so marc is um. winning a lot, and choosing valentino every time like. please talk to me. and as youve said initially its like i have nothing to say to you!! you betrayed me!! and then as it goes on a gradual thawing and they are having like. intense tender fraught winners room sex the ENTIRE time like insane people. marc fully lowkey like once he unblocks me the wedding is back on... and then as youve said in catalunya vale picks marc and blows his back out and theyre both soooo kind of. tired. of pretending that they dont like this so i think there IS a moment where marc tells a dumb joke and vale laughs (SEX LAUGHERS TILL I DIE) and then his eyes get all soft and marc leans in and its a very sweet kiss and a very sweet moment and they both think. maybe..... marc's breath caught in his chest vale's thumb on his cheek....

but this is rosquez the GOATs of motorsport divorce (no one tell me the brocedes lore shhh) so i think vale makes an offhanded comment in front of marc about picking up or something. maybe talks to uccio and blocks marc's number after he tries to call him afterwards... SOMETHING happens that pisses marc off idk what. and the next time he wins in germany hes like fine. okay. i wont choose valentino he clearly doesnt want me to. so he chooses dovi and they dont fuck but they do let everyone THINK they fucked (dovi is lowkey sad about this. cal crutchlow known marc fucker and p2 this race is despondent that he didnt get chosen.) and vale feels LITERALLY INSANE... sitting at home thinking about marc with dovi... cant get it out of his head....

[luwukass]

OKAY TRACKLIST BREAKDOWN!!!!

so i have now had breakfast and coffee and my brain is on and FUNCTIONING lets get into this

putting a break here incase youre scrolling and dont wanna read all of this lol

so first things first i was watching tiktok and people were making a big deal about how its split up into sides similarly to midnights now i do believe that taylor posted the back cover of the vinyl and that the cd will be different but i could be wrong. even if it is split up like this on purpose on every physical copy this does mean that it is a two LP album instead of one like midnights

one vinyl (both sides) can hold up to 44 minutes of music on it so we can roughly estimate that the full album will be about an hour and a half long now if each side is 22 minutes long each track on side a, b and c should be about (if each song is in equal length) 5 and a half minutes long. side d has 5 songs on it so some of those might be short to fit in the manuscript

i have also seen people compare this back cover to the back cover of lover which is absolutely breaking my heart and im sure thats not gonna be the last lover comparison i see about this album

okay so lets dive into this track by track

SIDE A

track one: Fortnight (feat Post Malone)

okay so first of all this is obviously not a reference to fortnite the video game but i think all of those jokes are funny as hell. the fortnight shes talking about here is a reference to the measurement of time as seen down below google states that fortnight is a british term for two weeks.

according to wikipedia fortnight is derived from the old english term fēowertiene niht, meaning "fourteen nights".

now onto post malone i actually listen to some of his music from time to time. he mostly does do rap but his most recent album austin (which is coincidentally also taylors brothers name, but is also post malones real name) is listed on google as alternative rock, indie pop and synth-pop. so im unsure of what vibe post will bring to the track. i think its also surprising she placed one of the two collabs as the opening track. i think the vibe for this track will probably be either a story about what happened in a certain two week period or about what is going to happen in two weeks from the songs time standpoint (if that makes sense lol)

track two: The Tortured Poets Department

A TITLE TRACK!!!! now obviously we dont know much about the album yet so we cant really try and figure out what the title track will be about so im just gonna do a little yippee for having a title track

track three: My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

this is a Whole fucking title good lord the only thing that really comes to mind when i think of this title is the lyric in better than revenge where she says “soon shes gonna find stealing other peoples toys on the playground wont make you many friends” which is if im not forgetting anything the only lyric as of now where she’s referred to being someones partner as someones “toy” but that lyric itself is a metaphor for relationships being playing on a playground. this will probably be a sad or angry song about how her ‘boy’ goes around breaking/hurting his favorite ‘toy’ aka taylor

track four: Down Bad

okay now down bad if you dont know is a slang term to describe how badly you have fallen for someone (mostly used in a more sexual nature in my experience than romantic) so this song will probably be about how badly she is for the love interest of the song

SIDE B

track five: So Long, London

alright new track five lets go! so this is obviously seeming to be a reference to track 11 on lover, london boy. now like taylor said when she announced it this album has been a secret for two years so we dont know when these songs were written or who they are about but i feel like it is safe to say this song and most of the other will be about said london boy [i personally do not care who a song is about and it is not taylors job to tell us who a song is about and that isnt the point of her music, but i will be commenting on the joe breakup bc that seems to be a large idea of this album so far] i can see this probably being about the break up and possibly sampling some music from london boy like she did with cornelia street and youre losing me

track six: But Daddy I Love Him

okay so the first thing i thought of when i read this track title is the scene from the little mermaid where ariel is fighting with her dad over the eric statue and im gonna be honest i dont remember the plot points in order of this movie BUT i do remember when taylor dressed up as ariel for her new years party in 2019. so given what we know this will probably be a song about maybe her fighting/arguing with her dad over how much she loves the love interest of the song regardless of who he is/how he treats her

track seven: Fresh Out The Slammer

okay so im not sure what this song will be about bc i dont think taylor has ever been to jail before so it would probably be metaphorical type of “im back bitches” type of song im assuming this might be a bass heavy maybe more rock leaning song and if it is a “im back bitches” it might be about the amount of time she was single for with the ‘slammer’ being her old relationship

track eight: Florida!!! (feat Florence and the Machine)

alright so as we all know this album has been in the works at least for two years but we dont know when each song was written so take this with a grain of salt but the tampa eras tour shows were the first shows after the news of the joe breakup dropped. so this song might be about her feelings during those shows. for those that want to know these were the surprise songs for the tampa shows in order.

night one: speak now and treacherous

night two: the great war and youre on your own kid

night three: mad woman and mean

SIDE C

track nine: Guilty as Sin?

okay so my main curiosity about this track is the question mark in the title because guilty as sin isnt much of a thought provoking title to me but that fact that its a question is interesting. the current vibes im getting are that this might be a more sexy song? but i have no idea here

track ten: Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?

okay so THIS is giving big taunting energy like “aww who would ever be afraid of little ol me 🥺 youre afraid of me?” which im Hoping thats what the vibes are bc that would HIT but i can also see it being completely different as well

track eleven: I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

oh my GOD this one sounds like its gonna be sad. so this is obviously a reference to the common seen online phrase “i can/could fix him” which as ive seen is normally used towards people who are attracted to hot fictional characters that usually have a lot of emotional baggage or are villains (i saw it a lot when ballad of songbirds and snakes came out about young snow) so this song will probably be about her promising that she Can fix him and really will despite ‘him’ being broken or maybe even possibly a bad partner

track twelve: loml

so i saw and rb a post earlier about how its very interesting that this is already an acronym which i completely agree with because taylor knows we are no strangers to turning her song titles into acronyms. so loml does usually mean love of my life but i think because its already an acronym it might be something different (i saw someone earlier say it might be loss of my life instead of love)

SIDE D

track thirteen: I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

this one i think will kill me personally. i think this one will probably be about her continuing to go on with life (and possibly the eras tour) post joe break up i think this one will either be a sad song or a light beat ‘picking myself up on my feet’ song

track fourteen: The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

this has so many implications but personally i think the interpretation shes gonna use for this song will be about how the said man is small emotionally and just as a person (i doubt she will talk about physical shortness in height or other areas)

track fifteen: The Alchemy

now im gonna be so real here i have no idea what this one will be about google says that alchemy is an older version of chemistry so maybe she will talk about the chemistry or alchemy she has in her relationships?

track sixteen: Clara Bow

alright Clara Bow! okay so i dont know much about old hollywood so i am NOT the person to deep dive into what this song will be about but all i do know about her is that she was The “It” girl of the silent film era so im assuming this song will probably be like the lucky one and talk about the rise to stardom and being the Biggest Star Of The Time

track seventeen(bonus track): The Manuscript

alright so after looking at the definition of a manuscript this is the PERFECT bonus track?!!?!?! so a manuscript is normally a piece of work that is written or typed out but isnt officially published which is just genius for having it be a bonus track that probably wont be on streaming (if not for a long time) i have no idea what itll be about but i love that mastermind

that’s pretty much all of my thoughts as of currently PLEASE let me know what yall think and what theories yall have for this album i am SO excited for april 19th 💕

[clearnachopirate]

not to turn my page into dead boy detectives brain rot but

imagine youre simon (Edwin's classmate who he saw in hell). no, seriously,

so youre simon, a 16 y/o boy in 1916. presumably youre religious, and even in the extremely rare case youre not, queerness as a whole is still considered an illness and treated with genuine torture or death.

you are queer. and you think someone else might be as well. a well spoken though awkward classmate by the name of Edwin, who occasionally wears a lovely cap you think he looks swell in. so one day, you take the cap, hoping it will finally get him to talk to you. it doesnt work how you want it. and he avoids you. doesnt return your feelings. your feelings that are inherently wrong in the first place.

when you hear the other lads going on abt a prank for Edwin, you think seeing him scared of nothing might just help you get over him, so you comply.

except thats not what happens.

the boy who you love (or at least really like) is dead. you are dead. and you are in hell. exactly where everyone has said people like you go. and its what you deserve

you listen to the headmaster, because if you had listened to the people in your life and ignored your feelings, you might not be here. you wouldnt have gone along with such a stupid plan. you wouldnt have killed him.

and sometimes he visits, Edwin does, and he says all the things you already know, but it hurts so much more coming out of the mouth you had shamefully wanted to kiss.

so when he comes in again, its nothing new.

Edwin doesnt yell, and he doesnt reach to hurt you. Edwin says you dont deserve this pain, that you can leave, that he had left, and he was on his way out again. That he wants you to come with. That neither of you deserved what you had been given.

its only after he leaves that you turn back to your book that you realize its gone. along with it that shame you have felt for nearly your entire life, because Edwin had been like you. and he was free, there was something better out there for him.

there might just be something better out there for you too.

[spacexseven]

ok im finally here with the spy au stuff. sorry this took me so long i suddenly got Extremely Ill and couldnt really do much but im BACK baby.

im gonna do some more than i originally planned since i made u and the venerable budijojo wait so long so buckle up

AKUTAGAWA - ohhhh akutagawa… poor thing. this is about The Most devastating thing that could possibly happen to him. i could see him not realizing he loves darling in time just by virtue of arrogance, similar to fyodor. he doesnt think he’d ever deign to have something as silly as affection for someone like… you. preposterous. doesnt help that he has dazai’s voice in his ear at every second. but, well, here he is: stuck adoring somebody who hates him, and knowing it’s all his fault. although deep in despair, ever the devotee, he will gracefully take any punishment darling throws at him- granted they stay by his side. you might not think so, what with all the ‘stabbing you a hundred times with his jacket’ business he put you through, but you’re truly the safest by HIS side, you’ll see! no one can protect you as well as he can! you can spit at him, scream at him, hurt him, tell him all the ways you despise him; he’ll accept it all, but he won’t- *can’t* let go of you. he needs to keep you safe, it’s the only way he can make up for his sins.

DAZAI - oh christ. if you thought akutagawa had attachment issues get a load of this guy. i could see him REALLY shooting himself in the dick by also getting a bit of torture in before “killing” you- either cuz you suddenly started being cagey with information and he was approaching his deadline or just cuz he felt like it at the time. dazai is… very jarring. his emotional state is such that he feels this very suddenly and very violently, and his demeanor is very dependent on what he’s feeling. this is all to say that when you and dazai meet again, the version of dazai you knew- the manipulative nihilist who kissed your cheek within the same hour he broke all your fingers with a pair of pliers- is all but gone. he’s been replaced with some sopping wet cat of a man who looks honest-to-god shattered at your rejections. and he really IS like a pet cat who just realized hes in trouble, or maybe more of a stray who learned the hard way that people stop feeding you after you maul them. anything he can think of to get even a SECOND of your affection he’ll do, and i do mean anything. he’ll debase himself, scream, cry, beg, kill, anything he thinks will do the job. just please please please please PLEASE dont run away from him he loves you so much please stay he needs you please….

CHUUYA - i think hes the least likely to make this mistake just cuz he seems pretty self-possessed, but i could also see him getting very swept up in the little competition he made up in his head and not thinking his actions through very well. also DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL he’s gonna be the LAST guy to admit his feelings in this circumstance, just cuz admitting it would be much too painful so his brain just rejects it. i mean, the fella kicked you so hard into the wall it made a crater, he can STILL hear the echoes of your bones crunching in his head every time he closes his eyes, thats HARDLY the actions of a man in love. besides, even if you DID somehow survive that, youd never take him back (not that he wants that lol no way) so it’s not even worth thinking about. theres gonna be a lot of waking up from a drunken stupor only to find himself in your old apartment or surrounded by your possessions in a nest and some extremely pitying glances from kouyou before he lets himself accept what he feels and what he did. any peace he manages to make with this over time will immediately shatter what he hears that youve been spotted wandering around the city. our boy is going off the deep end instantly. 

FYODOR -it doesn’t really come as a shock that fyodor didn’t realize his feelings for you til pretty late in the game, given that he’s a black hole where emotions go to die. UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT i can very easily see fyodor feeling guilt over the whole Trying To Kill His Darling debacle, its just that he doesnt really have any kind of handle on this feeling at all. all he can process is that you’re scared of him/mad at him and this makes him feel this Mysterious Bad Feeling™ that he doesnt know what to do with. it occurs to him that he could very easily just make you compliant with him by fiddling with your brain like he did to ivan, but this makes the Bad Feeling worse. he doesnt want you to be a smiling puppet, he wants YOU, as strange as this desire is to him. all the little things used to do that had gotten on his nerves or perplexed him he now feels this alien yearning for. he feels this full body frost whenever he hears you crying through the door of your (cell) room, the distinct sensation of oncoming sickness. he finds himself very hesitant to put his hands on you, or even enter your line of sight out of fear of disturbing and upsetting you. odd. expect him to creepily watch you sleep a lot after he kidnaps you, enjoying seeing your face at peace for once. 

GOGOL - clown boy has established he feels guilt over things as much as the next guy, so ohhh BOY is he not gonna handle this too good. honestly, i could see his guilt overwhelming him to the point where he refuses to kidnap you or approach you again at all. he had his chance and made his choice, best to let his birdie be free now, yes? of course, he doesnt let you go TOTALLY. he has his eye on you as often as his schedule will allow. definitely dons disguise after disguise as an excuse to get close to you, maybe even makes up a persona that works at a shop you frequent so he gets to talk to you every day. eventually his mind might fray to the point where he cant STAND it anymore and NEEDS to get you back no matter what, especially if he insists on prolonged exposure to you, but hed probably try to avoid upsetting you as much as he can. youll give in eventually, hes going to be the only person youre ever going to be close to again, after all, so theres no need to force anything. he can convince you of his sincerity, hes sure of it.

also bonus i think this concept would also work really well with jouno what do you think. couldnt think of anything for kouyou sorry :/

- 🩹

thank you so much for all your effort behind this :> hope you're feeling better now!! i tried to write fyodor a little differently for you so. what do you think eheh :> the linked words take you to the original spy au posts for those characters! i considered writing for jouno but this post is way too long already for an ask lol

cw: yandere characters (akutagawa, dazai, chuuya, fyodor, nikolai), obsessive behavior, violence, forced relationships, stalking, manipulation, mentions of torture/interrogations, deceit, imprisonment (not proofread)

akutagawa is constantly tormented with his feelings for you. he knows he doesn't have the time to be in love, since he has more important things to do like make dazai recognize him, but he doesn't have a handle on himself. he can't put a lid on the wonderfully complex things he feels for you, and that's why it manifests the way it did. besides, he can't imagine actually tolerating, let alone liking, you, with all your kindness and concern that was long beaten out of him.

you've always been so kind to him, looking out for him, talking to him, treating him like anyone else. but all he could do in response was nod to your questions. akutagawa himself hasn't been shown a lot of affection so his way of showing his feelings is...awkward. he didn't know how to be friendly or be loved, but you didn't seem to care. and then when he finally, finally identified the cause of his palpitating heart and distracted mind, when he finally came to terms with what he felt, everything went wrong. you weren't supposed to find out, and you weren't supposed to get hurt. you weren't supposed to hate him, even if everyone else did.

he had been prepared to face the anger from his coworkers when they found out he fell for the enemy, but he wasn't planning on you finding out the way you did. and the look on your face, the hatred and the betrayal, it broke him. akutagawa, having lost everything already, grovels at your feet. he's desperate for another chance, but he doesn't dare complain, not when you ignore him and scorn him, not when you refuse to even acknowledge him.

he has hope, though, that one day you'd realize he only wanted to keep you safe. he only wants to show you that he's worth keeping around. you saved him before, and he only wanted to repay the favor forever. your organization was down and yokohama was far from safe, but with akutagawa by your side, nobody would dare touch a hair on your head.

dazai well, it's established he hates you from the moment he was assigned the spying mission. of course he hates you and the dates you planned out and the meals you make and the hand holding and the kissing and the...warmth he never gets elsewhere...and...the adoring way you look at him...and....and...

what was he thinking? you were just a target!

dazai has so many dilemmas during this mission because he's conflicted with hating you for being so damn annoying and feeling something because you're head over heels for an asshole like him, but let's say he pushes down the growing good he feels for you, shoves it away and sticks with hating you constantly for the purpose of this scenario. when the gig's up and you find out he was using you to get intel, there's no point in pretending anymore. no point in going along with your affectionate touches and asking about your day.

dazai has to rely on his usual, faithful method of getting intel—interrogation. he pretends like he doesn't care about hurting your feelings, pretends like it's just another job and it doesn't affect him if you're scared or crying. he doesn't care what you think of him now, of course not.

but right after it's all done, he's drowning in regret. he can't even remember what you told him, he just wants to take it all back. he scared you terribly, he knows he probably traumatized you and he can't undo it anymore. he tries, though, of course he does. at one point you were hopelessly infatuated with him despite how mean he was, so if he was the complete opposite now, you'd definitely look back at him, right? you'll be satisfied seeing him suffer for your sake, right? he'll happily beg for your forgiveness and debase himself if you'd feel even a little satisfied. if there's no way for you to forgive him, then he'll just have to go all out. he'll pull out all the stops and do everything in his power.

(i think dazai would definitely kick into the typical "i'll kill for you" yandere thing around here, hoping that by killing your enemies you'd appreciate him. he can't stand knowing other people were around you, people you had no reason to hate unlike him. what if you liked them instead? you liked dazai despite his shortcomings, so you could also fall for someone else that wasn't him. he couldn't have that)

chuuya (hehehe ive been waiting for this) feels the most guilt out of everyone in this list. i find it hard to imagine him actually hurting darling even if it's for the pm, like you said, he has the most self-control. in the original post of spy au! chuuya, he's completely obsessed with you and ends up scaring you off since you realize something's off, which leads to him finding your new place and what not. so i'll use the premise of him feeling guilty for scaring you and you kinda hating him for being a creep :>

he can't bring himself to hurt you, so knowing he's frightened you, knowing you hate him for what he believed was showing concern for you because he loved you, it shattered him. he didn't mean for you to think that he had it out for you or that he was going to kill you just because he worked for the enemy organization. he loved you and he only wanted you to be safe. he only wanted to get to know you so you'd love him back.

he allows himself to suffer, drinking a dangerous amount almost every night, staying in the apartment you used to instead of his own, looking at all the things he bought you and imagining you using them. it's pathetic to see how he's turned into a helpless, lovesick fool that can't even get you to look twice at him anymore. he tries to throw away the feelings he had, he avoids any mention of you and drowns himself in work and alcohol, but it's only a matter of time before the two of you cross paths again and he's unable to hold back from breaking down and begging you to take him back.

since i don't have a planned out story for fyodor in this spy au i'll make it up as i go. probably some info stealing for the doa, he can't exactly ask anyone else to go. bram is...in an awkward state, kamui is far too much of a public figure, sigma is too busy with the casino, and nikolai...there's no guarantee he won't just kill you, and fyodor can't have that, not after all his efforts to track you down and choose you for his mission. you should be honored, really, that he's giving you such an important role in his plans. maybe he could even convince you to join his side and completely sell out your organization.

everyone knows fyodor would be successful in his mission, and they know he'd get you wrapped around his finger very quickly. of course you don't think there's a single suspicious thing about this strange man who suddenly walked through the doors of your life and is somehow always around you and wow he's so nice and wow, isn't this moving too fast? but fyodor has that way of reassuring you with a smile and gentle strokes that there was nothing to worry about, and who were you to question him then?

you try to make him happy. he's always a bit emotionless, always a neutral expression on his face so you can't really tell if he's upset or happy when you greet him with a kiss. or is that surprise on his face? you don't know if he likes you holding his hand or if he wants to hear about your day, but one reassuring squeeze of the hand and an acknowledging hum sends you happily continuing your earlier actions. fyodor is a little surprised by your efforts to make him feel included. he's used to silence except for nikolai's random interruptions, but having you constantly by his side isn't the worst. compared to the miserable people in the world, you weren't nearly as unbearable for him.

fyodor is mostly surprised by how disappointed you look when it all blows over, and his identity is revealed. you're not disappointed at him, but at yourself for falling for a lie, and causing your coworkers deaths. he was too good to be true, you think, and you blame yourself for falling for his tricks. trust one charming stranger, and look where that got you? in some obscure prison cell and subjected to cruel questioning.

it's not very satisfying seeing you cry and rub at your red eyes. it's far from nice when you're ignoring him and boiling with resentment. and well, he shouldn't care. you had one purpose in his plan and it was now fulfilled. you should be happy you had a chance to help out in the making of fyodor's goals, but here you were sobbing so uncontrollably. he's a little uncomfortable seeing you look so devastated, and he's uneasy now that you don't tell him anything anymore. it's unfamiliarity that haunts him because you've changed, and not for the better. if he sees you opening up around sigma, who was the most ordinary person in the building, he's a little troubled by it, but you glaring at him with burning hatred is even worse than seeing you talk to someone else, so he just leaves the room.

despite the unhelpful suggestions he gets from the rest, he doesn't want you to lose your mind like ivan, even if the latter claims he isn't unhappy anymore. watching you when you sleep1!! yes, the only time he feels he can be around you now, when you're unaware of his presence. he doesn't like it, doesn't like having to walk on eggshells and hide from you like he was in the wrong. which he shouldn't be. he was only saving you from that hellhole and that shitty organization that never stood a chance against him. if he left you back there, you'd be dead. shouldn't you be grateful?

considering nikolai is like, the master of disguises, this mission should have been a piece of cake. get intel, and then he can do whatever he wants to you and your friends. this was a fun break for him! he was asked to join the company you worked for (a front for the organization) as a new hire and gather all the intel he could, but he didn't think he'd get attacked to anyone on the job.

you were surprisingly excited to guide him around the office, taking the senior role with pride. nikolai doesn't let it slip that he doesn't care about what you do or where the break room is, so he happily follows you around and shares your enthusiasm. you're all friendly and helpful to him, and he doesn't mind at all but it was a little annoying when he was trying to bug a meeting room and you just came around the corner, insisting he check out the new coffee machine. well, despite how irritating it got, he couldn't bring himself to dislike you for it.

and really, he can't help but tease you a little, watching the startled expression when he stares at you a little too coldly for a little too long, or lets it casually slip that he knew about the organization, though he's a little surprised by how quickly you bounce back to your usual carefree manner. oh, but the fun hadn't started yet! he was mostly looking forward, to the after. he couldn't wait to see your expression when you realize you've been cheated all along, and how you were going to die by his hands—

—but when the day came, it wasn't even a little satisfying to see you crumble. he didn't expect to be consumed entirely with guilt when he sees you tear up, hurt in your eyes. something inside him aches; he knows he's not invulnerable to feeling like this, but this intensity of emotion was new. he can't bear to look at you, facing the horror etched into your face at the sight of him, so he just disappears into his coat, leaving you somewhere far away from the devastation.

despite how much he yearns to be free he can't let you experience the same, unable to stop thinking about you. he checks in on you from time to time, hoping you'd try seeking him out. after all, he was the only other person who knew what happened, and you couldn't rely on anyone like you could on him. he knew you better than anyone else, all your secrets and your thoughts, and you'd need him by your side.

he'll definitely give into his urges and kidnap you eventually. he can't bear to be away from you, not after he knows you're probably feeling lonely, not knowing anyone else who could understand you. well, you probably didn't want to see the man who ruined your life, but it wasn't like you had many options. he's sorry that he hurt you, really! nikolai promises to be good, to go back to being the guy you befriended, but only if you promise to stay by his side.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I finished acotar a while ago and I was gonna write a review right away but then christmas happened and I was pretty busy and wanted to enjoy myself so youre getting like two weeks late

It was fine, I really didnt have any strong feelings about the book itself. Like, my main complaints are that it was pretty boring and directionless for most of it and stuff thats mainly related to the next books, if I just look at it as a standalone I would describe it as "not for me, but not that bad"

That is, until we get to Under The Mountain, where everything just gets really stupid and convoluted. That whole section, which is a solid fourth or fifth of the whole book, severely clashes with the sweet fairytale romance that came before it. It reminds me of how all those twilight-knockoff trilogies in the 2010s would have two pretty low-stakes books worth of basically only romance with some weird magic sprinkled on top, and then in the last book it would turn out that the protagonist and her beloved need to Go To War or the world will end except even worse (also now that I think about it, the first three acotar books also seem to be structed like that, so youre getting two shitty plot structures in one. yayyyyyyy)

There was literally no reason for all of that happen, it was honestly just unpleasant reading about Feyre, who had spent the book recovering from her trauma in a way that was genuinely pretty nice to read about, being tortured for three months until she was feeling worse than she ever had before. And some people might say "oh, thats the point, its meant to be tragic" but it didnt feel like tragedy, it just felt tonally dissonant. Also, the entire ending was so weird and dragged out, like that bit where she and Tamlin are staying one last night UTM for some reason and then she talks to Rhysand before they finally leave and its like, BRO dont stay in the Palace of Torments for any longer than you have to, just leave through that portal-tunnel thing

Speaking of Rhysand, he wasnt that bad in this book but Im sure my opinion on him will change. The main thing that sticks out about him is how sjm simply could not resist ALREADY explaining all of his motivations and portraying him as someone whos obviously so noble, despite all the obviously horrific and completely unecessary shit hes doing. Like, theres that scene where Rhysand crushes that guy's brain when Amarantha ordered him to crush his mind and the narration goes "that was actually an act of mercy from Rhysand" ??? that mightve worked better in third person limited where youre working without the implication that the prose is the pov character's actual thoughts, but since its first person and meant to be Feyre's thoughts I was just like "why is she thinking that when she should be thinking 'holy fucking shit, i just signed my life over to a guy who could squish my mind like a grape if he wanted to?!?!?!!'"

Also, theres that scene where Rhysand comes into Feyres cell to "escape from it all" or whatever and he basically monologues to her about his sympathetic motivations and I just. sarah, girlie, you shouldve saved this shit for the second book. Like, rewrite the scene so that he just comes in eithout a word, hes totally unresponsive to Feyre insulting him or trying to ask him what hes doing here, he just sits down in the corner, knees pulled to his chest, he mutters something vague about just wanting to be left alone, maybe he's even got tears in his idk. I think that would be a far more effective way to have him be sympathetic in a more subtle way than just having him monologue his tragic circumstances and noble intentions at Feyre

Thats about it so far, I'll probably start reading ACOMAF in january when winter break is over and I can read it on the bus and in class again

[docterzerocare]

Doc, if you'd like some plot points from "These Gilded Haunted Halls" (a Fnaf au i made that's separate from the Rewrite) totally out of context, have some more (i'm totally willing to elaborate if asked)!

alongside "Elizabeth is the result of a Willry Love Affair":

Three Sixth Graders Are Given Weed And Decide To Smoke It In The Back Room Of Freddy's.

A Good 25% Of Hurricane, Utah Fucking HATES William.

1981 Is "The Year Everything Went To Shit"

A Literal Toddler Witnesses His Father Murder His Older Brother's Best Friend, But Gets Gaslit Into Believing An Animatronic Did It, Thus Giving Him Animatronic Trauma™

Cassidy and Michael: ✨Trauma Nightmares Suck Ass™✨

Very Pissed Off Teenager Haunts A Plushie That He Gave To A Toddler In Order To Keep An Eye On Him (And His Brother)

Apparently Ghosts Have Face Blindness, And It's Made Worse When Someone's Wearing Purple. For Local Employees, Who Have Purple Uniforms, This Is A Fucking Problem.

A Man's Four Year Long Mental Spiral Culminates In Him Moving To Nebraska With His Former Coworker/Current Boyfriend.

Halloween 1983; aka "Due To William's Unfortunate Paranoia That His Crimes Will Be Revealed, He Decides To Cause MORE FUCKING PROBLEMS (read: kill his youngest son...who's recovering from a brain injury from a few months prior)"

Remember The Ghost Face Blindness? Well, Turns Out They Kinda Killed A Guy Because They Thought He Was His Dad. He Got Revived, Though. By His Sibling Figure. Even Funnier (Sadder), Said Guy's Dad Might've Intended For This To Happen, Somewhat.

What Do You Do When Your Twin's Been Dead For Decades And Your Dad's Horrifically Depressed? COMMIT ARSON.

Woman Divorces Her Husband Because She Doesn't Like How Hard He's Cosplaying Icarus (By Risking His Reputation).

William Thinks He's Getting Tortured By One Ghost, But Nope! It's Four. Two Of Them Are His Kids, Actually!

Omg incredible, these are definitely very compelling plot points frfr

Lmao good job william, thats the worst anyones has ever done it

[notthestarwar]

For your WIP folder…. Omg it’s so hard to choose. Wonder Soldier AU with Kix?

thank you so much for the ask!!!

omg. this is the one im currently rotating in my brain. im SO VERY obsessed with it.

(im going to ramble so badly here lol pls dont feel you have to read it all but im VERY excited by this au)

ok so. ive been rereading the winter soldier comics. starting from the first reveal of him in captain america onwards. i feel like everyone knows about the 'who the hell is bucky scene' which is a real heartstopper but omg. there are so many moments that didnt make it in to the films. theres just so much feeling there and i see a huge paralell between a lot of stuff bucky goes through and the clones origin.

i'd seen winter soldier au's with various clones before, but there was always something missing for me. on my reread of the comics i realised what it was. the being out of time. finding yourself in the future unexpectedly. having to adapt. getting used to being alone. and then realising you arent. realising that someone you failed to save is here. is still maybe capable of being saved. is such a huge part for me. thats the driver of so much emotion.

and i realised that there IS a part of star wars that makes me feel kinda similar. Kix's story. Kix finds himself waking up in a galaxy that has moved on. theres no room for him anymore. he was once a part of something, but now he isnt. he's never been alone before, but now he is, without question. he is the last of his kind. and after he finds out what happened, his identity as a medic is really threatened. his job was to heal his brothers, to save them. but when it mattered, he couldnt.

so then i started thinking. what would it be like for kix, facing this reckoning, having faced it for a while. finding himself a place in this new world, beginning to fight the first order. beginning to move on from something thats really quite impossible to ever truly move on from. what would it be like for him to face what steve rogers does in those comics?

for anyone that doesnt know, steve and buckys stories in the comics are slightly different. they are brought together because captain america needs a sidekick. they dont know each other before. and bucky is pretty much a kid at the time. he's 16. steve becomes like his older brother as they fight in ww2 with a superhero group called the invaders (pretty much like the avengers) against nazi superheroes and the like, unitil, just at the end of the war, they get captured. steve watches bucky being tortured, he cant stop it, and then when they escape, bucky sacrifices himself. the last thing steve sees before he gets frozen is bucky, just out of steves reach, unable to be saved after sacrificing himself for their cause. steve is awake in the ice in the comics. he has all those years to dwell on it, and when he gets out, the world has moved on and its far far too late to save anyone he knew.

buckys backstory has some real similarities with the clones. he grows up on a military camp, his dad dies when he's like 12 and he ends up staying as a kind of camp mascot. he grows up in the army. violence is every day for him. its all he knows. and when he gets recruited as captain americas sidekick. its all about the image. he is a propaganda tool. there to look like a kid so that other kids want to join up, but trained to be a killer. he is there to do the dirty work that captain america cant be seen doing. he's an assasin from the start. deadly efficient.

buckys return in the comics is delicious. it comes out of nowhere, to the reader and to steve rogers. he has been living in this new world and has accepted that noone will ever really understand him. anyone that survived ww2 looks at it with rose tinted glasses, but in a lot of ways to steve, he's still there. and then comes the winter soldier, a cold war relic, woken up to meet someone elses aims. in a lot of ways, it echos how steve has been working for america, putting out fire after fire, since he got out of the ice. the people around steve put the pieces together before he does and when they try and break it to him, he refuses to hear it. he wont look at their evidence. he simply cant. to know that not only could he not save this younger brother figure, but that while he was frozen, powerless, bucky was taken by the enemy and used in the worst kind of way. made to do things he never would have done (a big part of this is that bucky never would have worked against america. his patriotism was a huge part of his character thanks to his upbringing, which his handlers knew and found pretty funny. they used him to fight america because it was ironic). like omg. the paralells there! with the clones being raised to serve the republic, being raised to know nothing but loyalty because alll they knew was the military. and then having chips in their heads force them to do the last thing they ever would have done? again and again?

steve refuses to believe that its bucky. but we begin to see that he knows. he's just in denial. he fights the winter soldier and we have the 'who the hell is bucky moment' and then, his denial is shattered in the worst possible way. a dossier is delivered to him holding records from the winter soliders handlers from the start. he has to see the cold and impersonal documentation of the ppl that ripped his brother, his best friend, from death (from peace) so that he could be used against his country. he'd forgotten everything about who he was, all he had was the muscle memory of this fight. he could still fight. he was still a killer. these files document a kind of sick amusement from his handlers at his situation. his drs talk about him like he's an object for testing. (there are so many paralels here with the kamineese, palpatine, jango and how they treat the clones). worse than this. the files show that even without his memory, bucky fought them. during a mission in america he dropped off the radar, confused and lost, but trying to find something of himself. at this point they start wiping his memory after each mission and keeping him in stasis. he is no more than a tool. the whole thing is heart wretching. i know the movie version touched a lot of ppls hearts but. oh my god. it doesnt even touch the surface.

that feeling. those vibes. are the backbone of this au.

kix is beginning to move on. and then, the first order pull out the winter soldier. kix fights him and he's caught. because this stranger, decades after the last clone died, fights just like a clone. and against his will kix is just. pulled in. it feels like one last link to his brothers. he needs to know who trained this assasin. he needs to know more. this guy is like a ghost. the more he finds out the further he feels from any answers. what he finds. well none of it fits together. this guy has been doing this for decades. is he the first winter soldier? was he the one trained by a clone or was that his predecessor? his predecessors predecessor. kixs new war continues, as he investigates. this is simply a side quest. research to resolve his own curiosity.

and then, kix is fighting yet another battle. and in comes this guy. and as they fight, it gets to the point where its just kix and this assasin and the guys mask falls off. and he's a clone. and its an impossibility. its not something kix ever let himself imagine. how can there possibly be a clone here? how can he possibly be so young. he's hardly physically older than kix, in statis all these years, and the guy runs and kix is left. just. shellshocked. he goes back to his research. it doesnt make any sense.

time passes and kix realises who this winter soldier is. he knows him. not only that. he knows exactlly how they are controlling him. its the chips. the chips that kix was unable to save his brothers from. he woke up here and he thought it was too late for anything. his brothers long dead. him, unable to save any of them. he's a medic but he was not enough. yet. here is a chance. a chance at redemption. a brother, just one, that still needs saving. that kix has a chance of saving. and if he does. its someone that will understand. someone who knows what it is to be a clone. someone who knows what it is to wake up in a new galaxy, after years of stasis against your own will. its a chance.

the story deals with kix trying to face this. the whole thing is just like. emotional turmoil. he's given himself a impossible task. he's trying to save someone that does not want saving and very much wants to kill kix. in doing so he's having to face all this trauma and shit he had just accepted living with. and even worse. he gets to see a chipped clone in action. the lack of self preservation, the lack of control. kix gets to see what it would have been like for every one of their brothers. and he has to face that. its a journey thats kinda agonising. lots to face up to. lots to be dealt with. bad situation all round.

im so sorry for how long ive rambled but. oh my god im so utterly obsessed with this. its taken root in side me. the idea. the thought of them. gives me a feeling in my chest thats just. beyond words.

theres another post where i talk about it here also here

im just...screaming. the whole thing makes me want to scream and bite and never stop

ive yet to actually write anything that i can share loool cause ive just been chewing over the idea HOWEVER rest assured once i have something i'll be sharing it on here lol cause i need to yell about this au as much as possible

[themoonsbride]

hi hi, just a cute idea if you want to write it love 🥰 reader has nightmares and she can't fall asleep so peter hugs and kisses her, stroking her hair gently and tells her that there's nothing to be afraid of and that he's with her<3

hello love!!! thank you so so much for the request! this is so adorable, and I had a lot of fun writing it for you ! I hope you enjoy it :) <3

You're Safe With Me .

pairing; Peter Ballard x Fem!Reader

summary; (in the request!) Reader has been having nightmares lately, and has been on edge during the working hours of her life, Peter has noticed this and ends up figuring out the issues and makes the reader spend the night with him. <3

warnings; Nightmares, loss of sleep, crying, Aftermath of nightmares, rest is all fluff <3 (please lmk if I missed anything!)

a/n; this is my first new request in awhile and I'm so happy about it!!! also, I've decided that I'll also be taking requests for Anthony from Sweeney Todd !! (another characterJamie plays for those who may not know) :) <3

--×♥︎×--

It was a quiet night through out Hawkins National Labrotoris. The lights had gone out, and everyone was sleeping, peacefully wouldn't be the correct word choice per say because nothing inside of the dreadful building was ever peacefully that any stable mind would say.

But it was at least quiet, there was that much, sure it was usually always quiet, but during the night feeling of it being so quiet was different, some would've said relieving, others would have said extremely skin crawling chilling.

Though, the gaurds and the nurses and the children had all been finally sleeping at the exhausted muscles in their bodies slowly went through the process of fully relaxing, just for them to be overworked again within the next few hours, yours were tense.

You were sleeping, yes, but, it was quiet the opposite from relaxing you, infact it seemed as though it were killing you in a way. Your limps twitched, and your head turned from side to side harshly.

And suddenly your breath decides to join in part of the sensory madness and turn itself into fast pants, and your body coated itself in a cold, thick sweat.

Thats when your brain suddenly turned off its movie of horror that made your heart nervous and your nerves a mental breakdown, your eyes snapped open like a light switch being flickered on.

You sat up quickly, blinking profusely, looking at your surroundings.

You were in your room, and it was nearly 3:25 a.m., you still had about 3 more hours of sleep left.

You took some time to get your nerves back into shape and running again, but you laid, staring at your ceiling, you went to rub your tired eyes and when doing so, they felt damp.

You sighed to yourself and began to wonder how you'd even ended up in here in the first place.

--×♥︎×--

You don't remember what time it was when you fell asleep, but your alarm did its job as it had done everyday for the last year and 5 months now.

You forced your legs to keep you on the cold tiled floor you were standing on, your vision going from a blur to black within seconds from standing too quickly.

This wasn't the first time working in this sort of hell house had given you dreadful images that played in your mind through the night.

They'd been happening to you for about 2 weeks now and it wasnt the first time you had struggled with these types of dreams either.

but they felt more torturous than the shocking collar did. Thankfully you've never came into contact with that God forsaken thing. But you knew someone who has.

His name was Peter, Peter Ballard, and he's the sweetest man you'd ever met inside of this prison, He always smiled even if you could sense he truly didn't want to at times.

And he was always caring of you, others? not so much. He didn't seem to notice any of the other workers or nurses or even most of the children, but you seemed to have caught his eye.

And it made you curious and wonder what it could've possibly been about you that made him attract to you as if you were a magnet.

--×♥︎×--

It was finally your break, your legs quickly exited you from the rainbow room, sure it was the only room with color but sometimes it was nauseating to look at.

You tried not to ponder much about it as you pushed through the double doors of the breakroom and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.

The coffee was poor quality and looked mucky inside of the mugs they were meant for. It didn't even fully look like it was coffee inside of a mug, someone who lived beyond the walls of Hawkins Labrotory would've identified it as a mug full of swamp water.

Your eyes felt heavy along with your head, but you did your best to fight off your powerful tiredness and exhaustion. If Brenner had suspected anything of the sorts, you'd never be hearing the end of it.

You had even realized your eyes were resting until the sound of the double doors creaked opened again.

It was that angelic blond man who you dearly adored. His hair was curled perfectly as it were everyday, and his eyes seemed dull, though they still shined through the poor lights in bedded into the ceiling. He also seemed more awake than you were the last week.

"Didn't rest much last night?" He asked, his voice was as soft as a pillow as always. Though it took you a few seconds for your brain to actually register what he said.

"hm? oh, no I slept fine." Your voice croaked, it sounded like you just woke up and your cheeks started to flush pink from embarressment.

"Does that explain those black circles underneath your eyes?" He said, a smirk etched onto his face, you rolled your eyes at him smiling back a tiny bit.

"Whatever Blondie." He hated that name.

"Stop calling me that!" He laughed a little. You sat up a bit more and placed your hand over your heart, pretending to be hurt.

"My word, I thought you found the name to be music to your ears." Sarcasm was booming in your words.

"Your voice in general is."

You thought you'd heard him say something but, he was whispering and your mind felt hazy from how tired you were.

"Hmm?" you hummed to him, but it wouldn't have mattered if he answered you, your mind wouldn't take the time to process it anyway.

You loved being able to joke with him in such a way, it seemed as though you could be sarcastic with him and not get scolded for doing so, infact he found it to be funny.

It only took a few weeks for you and Peter to get along, and before you knew it the both of you were best friends, as a small child would call it. And you seemed to enjoy calling it that too, but it felt somewhat silly to you whenever you did.

He never seemed to have minded though, and it made you not feel as stupid for it.

It also didn't take long for the two of you to realize the love you held for eachother. And you would've never assumed that he would've became your secret boyfriend a day in your life either.

--×♥︎×--

Your shift had recently ended, and you were feeling quite anxious and your mind thought of how horrible this night were going to be.

How you didn't want to have to suffer through another night of vivid nightmares that would leave you shaking for 15 minutes straight.

As you lay on your mattress, staring at your ceiling, each time you'd attempt to close your eyes, they'd only re-open themselves.

Like your own body was refusing itself from falling asleep.

This cycle continued for what felt like hours, but in reality had only been 10 minutes. And at this rate you'd given up on the idea of sleep.

But you knew you had to get some type of sleep if you wanted to be able to wake up on time for work in the morning, so you kicked off your covers and sighed to yourself.

You sighed as you stood at your bed, closing your eyes, and then tears began to fall. You just wanted it to stop, for the nightmares to end, for you to be able to sleep without your entire body having a nervous breakdown.

You looked up at the ceiling and took a breath, quietly exiting your bedroom to go see your true love as guilty as you felt about the idea of awakening him.

Your knuckles quietly tapped against the metal door. Your sniffles surely couldve been heard from the next hall, and through the door.

Your body tensed when you heard the sound of footsteps.

Suddenly the door opened and Peter quickly pulled you inside for you to have not gotten caught, he took a few moments to examine your face before pulling you into his warm embrace.

"What happened baby?" He whispered into your hair, his voice was deep and filled with haziness.

"nothing I just uhm. I haven't been able to sleep and I w-wanted to know if it was okay if.. If I slept here? with you..?" Your voice was trembling and muffled from your face nuzzled into his chest.

His hand start rubbing your back as he comforted you, and you felt your shoulders start to loosen as you melted from his touch.

"Of course.." He mumbled before gently pulling away from you and grabbing your hands, taking you to his bed with him, You'd never seen him in anything but his working clothes, so seeing him wearing a plain t-shirt and shorts was some what of a big deal to you.

He looked really good though, but you cleared your thoughts and focused back on sleeping as he pulled your body towards his under the covers, his sheets smelled like him and his comforter was warm like him. You felt so safe around him that it felt like not even Brenner could harm you.

He continued to sooth your body and kiss your forehead, "Why weren't you able to sleep?" He asked lowly

"..I've been having nightmares." You replied, you felt so embarrassed to have to admit that to your boyfriend as an adult.

"I guess that's why I haven't slept much, they've been.. scaring me too much." You didn't really process that you were telling him this because you just wanted to sleep.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, I promise.. Not for as long as im with you dear." He murmurs to you as all your muscles finally relax and loosen from the overwhelmingly relief of you finally drifting into sleep.

[pondering-gales-left-orb]

.

Look im Not really gonna write an essay on Why anders was right specifically but all im gonna say is its very telling to me that almost all the people who think he is right and justified are people who went through war and revolutions of thier own and the people who keep harping on and on about peaceful solution are mostly those who didn't

Maybe this is too controversial to say but its very telling that the same people after seeing the atrocities comitted by the templars and the chantry standing by them (inaction about oppression is acting in favor of the opressor) and think oh but cant we talk it out? Yes lets talk to the templars and ask them to stop brutally abusing the the mages literally tranquilizing them like animals lets ask them to give up the very thing that makes them powerful lets ask them nicely to stop the very thing they invented so they can use them not only for unlimited power but also sexual abuse totally lets sit down with them that makes sense! NOT (also not to mention that Anders HAS SPENT YEARS talking and sending letters and meeting with people and non if it worked)

If Anders and justice/vengeance didn't do what they did someone else would have this civil war was gonna happen anyway regardless of who blew up this is what they tell you from the start! but he killed people inside the chantry the sisters!!! you say to me! all the mages that were wrongfully tortured and killed by templars and the chantry do thier lives matter less? so Its okay to kill mages but you draw the line at the religious abusive authority....okay keep telling on yourself

If the chantry was still an influencing factor in the war the mages would have lost and been fully enslaved point blank period. Yall forget the ability of religion to make people turn off thier brain once it takes sides people of kirkwall would have watched a mage get unfairly publicly abused and publicly killed and wouldn't bat an eye because the chantry didn't even move a finger for them. Hell andraste herself was about to wage a war before she died to free the mage slavers slaves like did you think she was gonna march in with an army and then talk over diner with the salvers? Bffr

Also considering that King Alistair does the same exact thing and gives the mages thier freedom anyway and thats fine but when it comes to the kirkwall mages its all "but who will stop them from becoming bloodmages but who will keep them in check" like king Alistair said the mages can self regulate themselves they just needed the freedom and space to do so, blood mages exsisted when they were under a tight watch of the templars anyway that alone should tell you the templars are a useless lot.

Well i guess i did write an essay lol anyway im not really interested in debating people about this so if you were gonna try to "call me out" or "prove me wrong" save your energy.

[pagodazz]

hi so first off i want to say as a fellow vinny fan seeing your vinnyposting has been amazing, hes so underrated its great to see someone appreciate him!! and secondly i wanted to ask if you could elaborate on the tag on your post where you said 'habit is a manifestation of vinnys bad habits' it sounds like a cool perspective and im curious what makes you think that.. sounds very smart and i'd love to hear more. no pressure though!! love your posts ❤️❤️❤️

HIIIIII HII IM SO GLAD YOU ENJOY THE VINNY POSTING!!

and I'm so glad you asked about this.

Habit and Vinny's relationship is so complicated, there's so many layers in figuring out what REALLY is happening between the two. Habit isn't just controlling Vinny, Vinny is giving into habit, feeding into him, continuously letting him back into his life even though all habit does is HURT.

And to me it for some reason, it just makes sense. Habit is the thing thats taking all of Vinny's friends away, but it's Vinny's OWN ACTIONS that pushes his friends to death. Though what's happening is out of his hands, he's the indirect cause of it all.

And I think that when people have such strong addictions or "bad habits" so to speak, they can drive their friends away.

Or your own friends have lost themselves to their own bad habits that you can't help but fall victim to your own.

it's so many things all at once, but habit is this sick venom that's filling Vinny's veins and hes constantly aching for it. When habit isnt there he can't help but miss him almost, but when habits around he wants nothing more than to be away from him.

Take it like a cigarette, smoking is a bad habit.

You'll light a cigarette and say, "I should really quit. this isn't healthy for me."

but then you're out and suddenly all you need is ONE cigarette to even get through your day.

Habit was something that was a constant in Vinny's life, something solid to grab onto. A stabilizer almost?

anyways,

Vinny's bad habits include so many things, but I think his BIGGEST, is his need for pain.

He craves to be hurt, to feel something, he wants to induce more pain so there's more to feel and if there's more to feel there's more for the viewers to watch and that means more eyes on him.

And we could bring in what Jeff says in twenty-four months, "Please stop watching us."

it all circles around to the camera and Vinny being the voyeur, yk? That sick twisted sense of justice he gets from showing the world the truth.

and I hate to drag this on more BUT!!!!!

to bring another quote again, this time from the everyman play:

"The Voyeur shall watch from an emotional distance, insisting upon maintaining their strength."

and that's exactly what Vinny, he was so focused on keeping everything strong and not letting anything affect him that he let his bad habits consume and now he spends his life being tortured by the decisions he made, haunted by the memories.

The being of habit keeps Vinny around, he's important to the final plan, he'll wring Vinny dry so the only thing Vinny CAN do is comply with him.

the same way a bad habit can consume a person whole, (Jeff) ending their life, It can make you violent and tear your life apart (Evan), And it can cloud your brain, making you think that all you need in life is your one bad habit and thank god for that habit. (Vinny)

I HOPE WHAT I SAID MAKES SENSE????? I could be speaking totally gibberish rn bc it's my first time actually talking about this. But if anything is confusing or something I will be so happy to talk more about the characters :D!!!!!!!

[fictionalmenmistress]

You guys please let me know what you think about this? Unfortunately I'm in a situation where I do not have the finances to not leave my abusive family. Aside from them being abusive, they are normal in some small ways. But there's some stuff that I just feel is kinda unnecessary, but maybe I'm just being ridiculous?

Anyway, I take care of all of my stuff. I cook my own food, I clean up after myself, I wash my dishes, I do my laundry, wash and dry and put away, I keep all of my things out of the rest of the house. I even put away everyone's dishes, because that's required and demanded of me, because "I'm part of the house". Fine I guess, it's a chore because I'm still living with my parents. I do all of my own laundry, I take care of all of my own stuff and take care of things after myself. I don't leave stuff of mine for my mom to do, or anything like that. It's just common courtesy and respectful as a housemate in general, you should in all situations take care of yourself and clean up after yourself and maintain your own items and uses.

But here's where it starts feeling a little unfair. My family goes on trips, makes a bunch of dishes, and leaves. They don't allow me to go with them. Because "how would you pay for your own food? That's what I thought. Stay at home. Theres no room for you anyway." And they take my brother's girlfriend with them. So like... alright. At least I get to finally be alone for a few days. But it still hurts a little bit. They decide to have a huge family barbeque, one I don't be around for, and stay in my room silently hoping no one will seek me out or realize I'm here (again, abusive people in a lot of ways, so I'm trying to get out of this family.)

My brother of course, has no chores. Because he "works". Aka, works for my dad. But, all the girls are given the chores. My sister is in highschool, and I'm trying to find work, and also just found work too, and started yesterday (this situation happened yesterday and today just now). But they have a party, make a bunch of dirty dishes, and leave on a trip I am not invited to. And I'm told to do all their dishes AND clean their kitchen (the mess they left with trash and crumbs and plates) before they get back. Gee, thanks. So... whatever, ok, I do them. I put a bunch of dishes away, and then I reload and stuff as much as I can fit in the dishwasher, to rewash after hand washing. I dread it. There is still dishes leftover, but I cleaned the kitchen like I was demanded. I cleaned up the mess they all left behind on the countertops. So they get back, my mom is like, great!! Now load some more. Because I could fit more silverware in. So I do. I thought that was the end of my "turn". But then my mom demanded that I put all those dishes away again, now, and then reload. Because "I didn't do what she asked of me." Mind you, I would personally rather do any other chores. I just can't with the dishes. Part of it is sensory trouble, it's torturous. I used to sob while I was forced to do the whole family's dishes every night in highschool, because that one thing is just something thats really hard for me to do. The textures, the smells, the noises, how it all hits my brain... I can do it, and I do it of course to clean up after myself, and as a necessity, but when I have a partner, I am very much hoping and searching for someone who enjoys or has dishes as their first pick of a necessity chore, and I can do ANYTHING ELSE. I have expressed this to my mom. Hundreds of times. She doesn't care. She says "THAT is my chore". And if she finally says "FINE!! You wanna do all the laundry??" And I say, yes please, anything else... then she never ends up making the switch in expectation. Notice how these are all "trad wife" or GIRL associated chores. There's misogynistic demands in the family, if that's not clear, and that's cultivated by my mom's expectations, and strengthened by my dad and brother's incompetence or willingness to help. Because "as women", the men work soooo hard, and they provide for us, and THE women are told to serve them. Big yikes. Like we also aren't working hard in the same, if not moreso, required tasks to labor and live everyday. Anyway, all this commentary to say:

I just feel that it would have been considerate if they all took care of their own huge mess of dishes, and LEFT with a tidy space, for me to keep tidy and clean up after myself in. With the expectation of me cleaning up after myself and maintaining cleanliness while it's only me here. Leave me with the responsibility of only worrying about my mess, when I am alone and living alone for a moment, not theirs.

I expressed this to my mom. Of course she lashed out at me and yelled that she doesn't care, and she's "making me do it" because "I didn't do it, so now I get to do that too." They left to go run some errands all together, I stayed home. But she says "YOU BETTER HAVE THAT DONE AND DO IT BY THE TIME I GET BACK." Like...

Idk, just like, any commentary or thoughts, guys? Is this unreasonable for me to feel that it rubs me a little wrong in that way? Or anything wrong about her responses? Also when I say they are abusive, I am NOT saying doing chores or doing the dishes is abusive. I'm saying how they are the rest of the times. This specific thing is just what I'm asking for thoughts on, because it bothers me a little.

[fixfoxnox]

I don't know what it is but all I can think of is Eddy calling Roach "Baby" and "Sweetheart" endearingly. I don't know what gave my brain that idea, but I feel like that's the kind siblings they are. Roach being like yes, I am baby.

Omg wait I love this

I think its so accurate to his character in regards to how he and Roach's relationship is too. Like cause both Eddie and Jonathan saw a lot of Roach's struggles growing up, but never felt like they were ever able to help so I can definitely see them now being like super protective.

Especially Eddie. Because Eddie is a doctor and so I imagine he is able to tell a lot more of the details of what happened to Roach than his family. Like I think he told them what Roach's papers said, but probably left out all of the gruesome details.

Like he read "Patient had lacerations on his wrist from a sharp blade. It appears the cut was followed by the weapon digging under his skin to pull an item out." And told his family "Roach has a cut on his wrist." He read "Patient appears to have been stabbed weeks prior to being brought in. The wound was stitched professionally at least once, but the stitches were ripped from the skin. Based on bacteria and dirt inside the wound, it appears that someone inserted either an object or their fingers into the wound." And told his family, "Roach was stabbed."

So Eddie reads this entire doctors report essentially on how his brother was tortured and, for Roach's sake, he doesn't explain that to his family. He keeps things simple so that maybe his mother will be more calm. Because he knows his brother and he knows that Roach is going to go back to the military.

So he is certainly more soft on Roach. He calls him things like: bubs, baby, sweet boy, Bubba, kid, kiddo.

Then you have Jonathan who was similar to his brother. He was older than both of them, he saw the pain his youngest brother went through. He saw the pain his parents went through, and he couldn't actually do anything to help.

But he was determined. So Jonathan becomes a bit of a joker and a clown. He does everything in his power to make his younger brothers laugh, to make his parents laugh. He does what he can to ease their load, even if that just means bringing a smile to their face.

When Roach is in the hospital, his goal isn't to sugar coat things, its to point out the good. To try to find what is okay in the situation. Thats why he points out to the group that the doctors said they were surprised that Roach was recovering so well. Thats why he calls Roach "tough as nails"

He's trying to detract from the bad, and bring a smile to the people around him.

So when it comes to Roach, Jonathan is more playful. So you get nicknames like: Loser (affectionate), Gare Bear, little dude, small fry, etc.

Just, something about Roach and his brothers man. You just feel so bad that Jonathan and Eddie never really got a chance to be older brothers to Roach, because you know they would have killed it :(