#but the only reason i have purposefully done this is when the connection was unhealthy and harming me

[ashanbones]

there's not quite a pain like slowly fading to the background when going silent to see if it'd be noticed

i have been the one to reach out first so much because i know for so many, i'd just be left to be no more than a memory if i stopped trying.

this is why ive been the one to leave first in the past

why i struggle to connect to new beings

why i cant talk about myself, be my actual self, because what if this pushes others away?

[musclesandhammering]

Every Single Issue I Have With S*lki (It’s Not Just The Selfcest)

Here goes. I threatened to post this a few days ago and never did, but I just saw a s*lki stan Twitter account claim that Loki caring about Sylvie more than the whole multiverse was a Good And Romantic thing and it pushed me over the fucking edge, so now you all have to read this. I’ve divided it into categories cause there’s just THAT much.

OOC Bullshit

• First and foremost, no amount of mental gymnastics you do will ever make me believe that this specific Loki- the one that just invaded New York, that just came off a year of Thanos Torture, that just got done being influenced by the sceptre, that was literally in the middle of a crisis already, and then on top of that went through all the trauma of Ep 1- would even be worried about a romantic relationship. That would be the furthest thing from his mind. Go back and watch how he acted in Avengers- you think that guy would abandon his previous mission to become a snivelling simp for a girl he’d just met 3 days prior? Yeah, there’s no universe in which that makes sense.

• “It’s very in character for Loki to fall in love with himself lololol-“ NO, it’s literally not. Out of all the characters in the mcu, I don’t think I can think of anyone that genuinely hates themselves more than Loki. He even referred to all his other male variants as “monsters” and said meeting them was “a nightmare” in this series. He’s got so much self-loathing, plus the fact that he genuinely thinks himself to be an evil backstabbing scourge- so there’s no evidence at all suggesting that he would ever develop a fondness for, or even be inclined to trust, another version of himself, after only knowing them for 3 days.

• Building on that, the whole concept of Loki falling in love with a version of himself just feeds into the annoying ass misconception that he’s a narcissist. No matter which way you stack it, he’s not. If you’re referring to NPD, he doesn’t fit the criteria, and if you’re saying “narcissist” just as a slang term meaning “selfish and arrogant”, that still doesn’t accurately describe him. But when creators like Waldron and Herron do things like having him fall in love with himself, it makes it so much easier for casual viewers to think that he is.

Shitty LGBT Rep

• It’s kinda sus that Loki’s are allegedly genderfluid and yet the only female-presenting variant we see (and apparently the only female-presenting variant there is, cause the male Loki’s all seemed unfamiliar with the concept) is treated as some kind of mind-bogglingly special paradox. Also very sus that, out of all the Loki variants, the one our Loki falls in love with just so happens to be the only female one. What a coincidence.

• The fact that the creators of the show went around bragging about Loki’s bisexuality and Marvel purposefully (lbr) allowed stories about Loki possibly having a male love interest to circulate, specifically enticing queer viewers to watch the show (you know, the definition of queerbaiting), and then instead of having a male love interest (Loki was the first queer main character, so it was the perfect opportunity) they gave us *gestures to this dumpster fire* this… it’s just a middle finger to LGBT fans. The fact that they would rather have this relationship with all its myriad of problems than have a gay relationship is just……. Very telling.

• While him being with a woman obviously doesn’t refute his bisexuality, the fact that they showed/talked about him being interested in 3 different women (flight attendant, Sylvie, Sif) and never even hinted at him being attracted to a man, definitely makes it seem like they were trying to cover up his bisexuality to smooth things over with the more homophobic viewers. You know? It’s like “I know you’re pissed that we sorta confirmed Loki as bi, so we promise we’ll never mention it again! Or even hint at it! As a matter of fact, we’ll give him lots of female lovies and make him seem as straight as possible! That’ll take your mind off of that horrible crumb of queer rep, right? Please please please keep giving us your money!!!”

• Aside from all the other issues, at its core, the biggest reason why I think I’m so irritated with s*lki is that it took one of the most interesting, complex, and diverse characters in cinema atm and squished him into a tired ass unnecessary heteronormative subplot…. Like literally every. single. other. protagonist. ever. Loki is such a unique character, and it’s so so so incredibly disappointing that they stuck him into that same boring cookie cutter romance that happens to every other character in every other movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a disservice, and it’s honestly just not compelling or entertaining at all.

Thematic Issues Galore

• His arc didn’t need a romance. With anyone. It was unnecessary and it didn’t make sense plot-wise. In fact, one of the reasons he was my fav prior to this was because he was the only big-name mcu character whose story wasn’t muddied-up by a romance that didn’t need to be there. So much for that.

• He wasn’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Hell, just a genuine friendship would’ve been pushing it for him at this point. He was in such a bad state that any relationship he got into would’ve been toxic and unhealthy for both him and the other person, and it doesn’t make sense why the writers would want to put him in one when there were so many cons and essentially no pros (other than “Uwu aren’t they cute together”).

• Sylvie’s character in general was unnecessary and Loki’s character was robbed just by her being there. The whole show became about her post-Ep 2. They spent most of the time giving her backstory, building her up, telling us how awesome she is, trying to convince us to like her, etc when what they really needed to be doing was building Loki up- cause I gotta say, if I had to describe TVA!Loki in a few words, they would be Flat, Boring, and Weak.

• The romance overtakes the plot. They spend time portraying their supposed connection that could’ve been spent adding depth and complexity to literally any of the characters. They make the big Nexus Event them giving each other googly eyes on Lamentis when it could’ve been so many other way more profound things that speak to the fundamental nature of Loki’s. They have the climax of the finale be “oh no she betrayed him to kill He Who Remains” when it could’ve been something way more compelling (Loki having a moral crisis over whether or not to kill HWR, Loki contemplating the state of the multiverse and weighing the pros and cons of freedom vs order, Loki looking into some What If situations and getting emotional about what could’ve been regarding his family, Loki realising the gravity of HWR’s offer and finally coming to terms with how important he is to the universal cycle, etc etc). The entire plot suffered in favour of a romance that half of us didn’t even want.

• It essentially reduced all of Loki’s potential character growth down to “He did it for his crush.” He seemed to at least have some motivations of his own in Ep 1-2 (feeble as they were) but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, literally every action he took was just him being a simp for her. Why did he lie in the interrogation? To try to protect Sylvie. Why did he fight the minutemen and Timekeepers? To survive kinda, but mostly cause it was important to Sylvie. Why did he get pruned? Cause he got distracted trying to confess his crush to Sylvie. Why did he try to get out of The Void? Cause he thought Sylvie needed him. Why did he stay in The Void? Cause Sylvie was staying. Why did he try to enchant Alioth? Cause Sylvie told him to. Why did the multiverse get cracked open, leading to an infinite number of Kangs waging war on all of existence? Cause Loki didn’t wanna hurt Sylvie in their fight at the Citadel and then get distracted by her kissing him. It’s uninteresting and honestly pretty embarrassing.

• Throughout their “relationship arc” the writers do their absolute damndest to convince us that we should like Sylvie more than Loki. And you know what? It’s the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen. They preach and preach about how Sylvie’s life has been so difficult/we should feel bad for her/she had it so bad/poor poor sylvie/she had it SO much worse than pampered prince Loki…. But then they never even touch on any of Loki’s trauma of hardships (the ones that have been ignored for literally 3 movies now). They frame Sylvie as a good person and a Freedom Fighter after she spent literal decades/centuries mass-murdering brainwashed TVA agents and showing exactly zero remorse for it….. but then they make it their mission to constantly remind us that Loki is a terrible person and constantly put him in situations where he’s forced to acknowledge his wrongdoings/show remorse/admit to how “evil” he is for being a mass murderer for like 2 years. They show him on-screen having a wider range of powers than her, and perpetuate his whole shtick of being a “master manipulator” or whatever….. But then they make Sylvie “the brawn” more competent, intelligent, and physically capable than him. Tell me how it’s a good thing for a ship to be so narratively biased toward one character.

Missed Opportunities

• If they absolutely had to have a romance subplot, then they could’ve paired Loki with one of the characters that have already been established OR one of the characters that were a big part of the whole TVA storyline anyway. It would’ve been so interesting if they’d revealed that Loki had a history with some of the players from previous films (Sif and Fandral both come to mind). It also would’ve been really interesting if they’d given Loki a love interest that actually had some allegiance to the TVA as a whole (Mobius maybe, but not necessarily. It also could’ve been Renslayer or B-15). Hell, imo it would’ve been cool if they’d followed through with that “See you again someday” line that he said to the flight attendant in Ep 1. ALL of these characters have way more chemistry with him than Sylvie, and they were also already relevant to the plot without wasting half the show to give background info on them.

• If they absolutely had to have a hetero-presenting love story involving an enchantress-type figure, then there’s a whole Enchantress (Amora) that was actually Loki’s love interest in the comics. Plus, fans have been screaming for Amora to appear in the mcu for years. Plus, Tom literally pitched an Amora/Loki storyline way back in 2012-13. Also, Lorelei (another enchantress) is also one of Loki’s love interests in the comics, and she already exists in the mcu (she was on Agents of SHIELD). There were several different established characters for them to choose from. Creating a whole knew amalgamation of a character and going with the “she’s a Loki variant” storyline was just completely unnecessary and made no sense.

• They completely robbed us of a Chaos Twins dynamic. Had they handled Sylvie better and not forced her and Loki to smooch, the two of them could’ve had a really really complex and interesting sibling relationship. Loki could’ve stepped into Thor’s shoes and sort of used that new role to gain some self importance, and Sylvie could’ve finally had somebody to look out for her/teach her magic/be there for her. It would’ve been very aesthetically pleasing, the vibes would’ve been out of this world, it would’ve been way more profound than this bs, and frankly it would’ve been much more entertaining to watch.

• Loki’s relationship (read: obsession) with Sylvie completely overshadows all Loki’s other relationships in the show. Loki and Mobius were literally the focal point of the series in Ep 1-2, but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, they barely had any interactions with each other, and Mobius pretty much faded to the background entirely. Loki had the beginnings of a pretty interesting antagonistic relationship with Renslayer (with her wanting him pruned, then arguing with Mobius that he couldn’t be trusted), but after Sylvie showed up the dynamic shifted to focus on the history between her and Ravonna. Loki and B-15 started off very badly and openly disliked each other throughout Ep 1-2, and then in the end of Ep 2, Loki showed a little bit of concern for her when she was possessed, hinting that they might be inching toward a reconciliation- especially considering how obvious it was that Loki was gonna uncover the TVA’s sins eventually. There was so much potential for him to be the one to give her her memories back and convince her to change sides, but no, of course that honor went to Sylvie. In fact, after Sylvie showed up, Loki and B-15 never even spoke to each other again.

Various S*lki Fails

• If they were trying to convince us that this affection was mutual, they completely failed. There’s nothing I’ve seen that even hints at Sylvie feeling the same way about Loki that he does about her. At most, I’d say she has a slight endearment to him. She finds him likeable and she’s grudgingly fond of him, but she definitely isn’t in love with the guy. Maybe she thinks he’s cute and hopes that he gets out of this mess alright, but her mission obviously comes before him- whereas, it’s been confirmed multiple times that Loki cares about her above anything else. She doesn’t trust him, she looks at him like he’s an incompetent fool half the time, she shows little to no reaction during most of his confession moments, and she kissed him as a means to distract him so that she could get him out of her way. Look, all I’m saying is, when you get into a relationship where one of you is way more invested than the other, it never ends well.

• This goes without saying for a lot of us, but the selfcest is just straight up odd and cringey. If you’re cool with that sort of thing, fine! People can ship what they want! But don’t pretend it’s not at least a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, I know they’re not technically siblings so it’s not technically incest, and they’re also not technically the exact same person, but they’re similar enough that it makes things weird. And yes I know selfcest can’t happen in real life, so there’s no way to judge it morally, but neither can most of the other stuff that happens in these shows/movies (the Snap, Loki destroying jotunheim, superhero with powers being held accountable, mind control) and yet we still find ways to judge their morality, because they all mirror real-world events. (The snap= genocide; Loki destroying Jotunheim= bombing other countries; superhero accountability= weapons accountability; mind control= grooming and coercion). And lbr the closest real-world mirror to two versions of the same person (who may or may not share DNA, family, backgrounds, physical and emotion characteristics) being romantically involved with one another is incest. And you can be ok with that if you want- that’s your prerogative- but don’t get pissy just cause a lot of us are squicked out by it.

• The whole mirror metaphor (learning self love via each other) thing just fell completely flat. First of all, having Loki learn to love himself by looking at someone who mirrors him did not, in any way shape or form, require them to be romantically involved. But they were. Of course. Secondly, the creators have contradicted themselves so many times on whether Loki and Sylvie are the same or not, that it doesn’t even really register to the viewer that the mirroring thing was what they were going for. Finally, Loki and Sylvie are shown to have so little in common- and to have only the most bare minimum of similarities personality-wise- that it doesn’t even make sense that Loki would “learn to love himself through loving her”. Like? They’re nothing alike. So how would he make the connection that he himself is actually pretty cool, based on her alone? There’s virtually nothing in her that reflects him.

• I know the objective of the entire show was to convince us of how awesome and unique Sylvie is, but honestly her relationship with Loki just did the opposite. A hallmark of a Mary Sue is having her constantly upstage the male lead, and then having him instantly fall madly in love with her anyway. And that’s.. exactly what happened here. Everything they’re doing to try to force her character to be more stan-able is really just forcing her to look more like their self-insert OC. Which is exactly what she is. It would’ve been so much more satisfying if she didn’t have to try so hard to look cool, if they didn’t have to try so hard to make her backstory tear-inducing, if they didn’t have to turn our protagonist into a snivelling simp just to prove how incredible she supposedly is. Very much #GirlBoss energy and we all know how performative and cheap that is.

• The entire thing was too rushed, there was too little build-up, and it was nowhere near believable. As stated above, it’s ridiculously unlikely that Loki would canonically even be interested in Sylvie, and this show did nothing to explain why he was. He just suddenly was. There was nothing they showed us as viewers that would justify a guy as closed-off and preoccupied as Loki falling head-over-heels for a girl he just met. Their was no explanation, no big revelation, no reasoning, it just… kinda happened. And I’m also severely skeptical of any love story that has the characters go in this deep after only 3 45-minute episodes of exposition.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, so if anyone thinks of anything, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to add it. Tagging @janetsnakehole02 @raifenlf @natures-marvel and @brightredsunset800 for expressing interest. This is all your faults.

[sapphire-knight]

Welcome to a new episode of Sapphire Rambles, today's topic being:

Just as c!Tommy is a simbol of Care, c!Fundy is a simbol of Love.

Let me explain.

(There are going to be 3 principal points to this rant, and each of them is gonna end with a Tl;dr in purple, so it's easier to follow)

If you're a regular in the Fundy tag (or in the Ranboo tag since this argument gets often brought up in relation to C!Ranboo), you might have already seen some rants talking about how C!Fundy is an incredibly loving person, willing to chase after the people he care about if he sees the tiniest hint that mending their relationship is possible, even if they hurted him in the past.

Yeah you are going to see the same argument again here in the first part, but I promise this gets interesting

This became more clear after the Break, when he decided to try and mend his relationship with Philza and Ranboo even if they weren't at all on good terms at the moment, but he thought it was worth it so he tried and will keep on trying anyways, but we have examples of Fundy's really loving and forgiving nature back to the Revolutionary era

Everyone knows about Eret's betrayal I'm sure, but one thing people seem to skim over is how it effected Fundy, because there's the really high possibility that he was the one who was hurted the most by it.

For everyone who has some spotty memory (me too sometimes fam), Eret was the closest person to Fundy at the time, the two being really close friends, so the betrayal must have had a terrible effect on his emotional health, but you know how it went?

It went that Fundy was the first person to reach out to Eret and start to forgive his actions. Fundy always valued his friendships above the side he was in. So even tho he was a L'manburg abitant, he still thought of Eret as a dear friend to him and did his best to not make them feel alone or isolated

There are really few examples of people Fundy actually has an issue with, but even here Hate is a strong and mostly wrong word to apply, for example:

- Wilbur: as we are shown in the interactions with Ghostbur, Fundy didn't hate Wilbut for how he neglected and patronized him, it made him upset (as we saw when Ghostbur called him "his little champion" and he ran away) but he never hated Wilbur for that. The only thing he didn't forgive him was deciding to die, leaving him. And his issue with Ghostbur is not aknowledging or taking responsability. But he doesn't hate Ghostbur, he can talk to him in a civil manner even if the Ghost pretty much upsets him. And about Wilbur? Fundy loved Wilbur, the thing that hurted him was he taking the decision to definitivly leave him.

- Technoblade: even before Doomsday, the correct word of Fundy's feelings towards Techno has never been Hate, but Fear. A lot of people seemed to miss this point about the Butcher Army as a whole, but they weren't move by hate, even if they tried to make it look like they were. They were terrified. On their way to Techno's house, it was more clear than ever that they were TERRIBLY afraid of Techno. The Butcher army was never a movement of hate, but a bad reaction to a traumatic event that scarred them with fear. Also, after the Break? Fundy understands why Techno wanted L'manburg gone, so he doesn't hate him for that.

- Jschlatt: if you followed Fundy's pov, it won't be a surprise me saying that Fundy doesn't hate Jschlatt, but it may be news to other people, since one of the last interaction between the two was... anything but positive. I still shiver at the caravan scene. But even after all he's done, Fundy can't bring himself to completly hate Jschlatt, even if he did a lot of horrible things and was a horrible person, he still doesn't hate him. Fundy took with him Jschlatt's sword, keeping it as a relic and a memory of the man.

There is no one in the server, probably not even Dream Himself, that Fundy full-on hates. No matter how much they hurted him and everyone else, he just. Doesn't hate them. He's able to see the humanity in everyone, even if he wishes he could just hate people that wronged him. He was always forgiving and loving, these two aspects of him becoming even more prominent after his Break.

Tl;dr: Fundy is a character incredibly full of love and almost always willing to forgive and mend relationships with people he cares about at the moment he sees the possibility.

Now that I got the part most talked about out of the way, I'm taking the second tangent. Let's talk about Self-love.

It's not news the fact that there are really few characters, if not actually none of them, who love themselves. Might it be for trauma or for guilt, none of the characters actually love themself and act out of self-love.

Sometimes there are characters that act for themselves, but that is different from acting out of self-love.

Acting for themselves means doing something to achieve an objective that you want, for example: Eret's betrayal.

Eret betrayed L'Manburg becayse he was promised the role of King of the SMP by Dream, she acted out of her wish for power and control. That's an example of acting for yourself.

Acting out of self-love means doing something with the only cardinal reason being that it's good for you, taking care of yourself doing something that makes you feel better and healthier. That is acting out of self-love.

And, if you look at the server, you can easily see that no one has ever done that, expect for one single time.

The closest wrong thing you might be thinking off right now is when Tommy escaped from exile, but that was not an act driven by self-love. Sure, Tommy saved himself and went towards a healthier mindset, but what drove him towards that direction was not a desire to be better and good for himself, but rage towards Dream and a desire to be back to his family and friends.

You know what the only act that could possibly be out os self-love is?

Fundy going away for a years and a half, taking a break from everyone

Think about it for a second. Why did he do that? Let's start putting away the wrong possibilities:

- Doing it for someone: Fundy at the moment was heavily spiraling towards paranoia, wanting to be a villain to make everyone hate him. If that was his mindset at the time, why would he even want to get a break for anyone?

- Having a second cause: what second cause could there be for a choice like getting away from an unhealthy situation to heal? The only second reason a choice like this could have is healing to help someone else heal when you're feeling better, but refer to the last point

- ... that's virtually it

The only reason that could have caused Fundy to decide to take a break from the whole situation because it was unhealthy and heal was because he wanted to heal. For himself. He genuinly wanted himself to feel better for the only reason being, simply, feeling better.

Fundy is the only character for now to have ever taken an important choice for making himself feel better and letting himself heal.

Tl;dr: Fundy taking the year and a half break was the only decision on the entire SMP taken only out of self-love and genuine desire to feel better for the sole reason of feeling better.

Fundy is a representation of love, in any shape or form. He is unapologetically full of love and care, both for himself and for the people around him.

Anyway, the third part is a theory, if younwill kindly follow me:

The above analysis is the exact reason why the Egg causes Fundy an extreme repulsion.

Since both Fundy and Tubbo said that the Egg seems connected to Dreamons, I'm going to roll with that idea in mind.

As we all know, one of the only known weaknesses of a Dreamon is Love and this Dreamon seems to be acting and controlling people out of wishes and desires.

Fundy should be a perfect candidate for the Egg to manipulate, isn't he? One of Fundy's most known characteristic is his research for love, affection and appreciation from people, and we know the egg has no problem using love to manipulate someone, because he is manipulating Bbh using his (platonic?) love for Skeppy against him.

So why the egg would cause a repulsing reaction to Fundy?

Tommy seems immune because he doesn't wish for anything right now, he has everything that he wants

Tubbo also has a repulsive reaction, but is not a hateful reaction but one driven by fear and sadness, the Egg purposefully trying to scare him away, probably to make him unable to fight against him

But why Fundy's reaction would be full-on hate?

I think the egg was trying to do with Fundy the same thing he's doing with Tubbo, scaring him so badly to drive them to the point where they cannot fight back out of complete fear, but it's not working.

It's not working because the Egg fears Fundy, fears how full of pure, unfiltered and unapologetic love his heart is, fears how he's the living representation of the fact that love, of any kind, is the strongest emotion out there. Fundy already was able to defeat a Dreamon because of his own love, and now that he's more emotionally stable and has decided to follow his heart more, mending relationship with people he loves even if they hurt him?

Fundy is an incredibly dangerous threat to the Egg.

So fear is not enough to keep the fox away, he cannot let him anywhere near his plans.

He fears that if he tried the fear treatment on Fundy, Fundy would be able to break out of the web of terror as soon as someone he loved was caught in the crossfire

So he tried pushing him away in a different way, using hate instead of fear, because since Fundy is such a love-driven person all around, the best way to keep him away is to use hate, just like Tubbo is often driven by hope and optimism, so the best way to keep him far fron where he could be a danger is to use sadness and fear.

Tl;dr: The Egg is making Fundy hate him because that's the only emotion that could actually keep Fundy away from him, because he, being a Dreamon, fears how full of love Fundy is.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

My thoughts/analysis of We Need to talk about Kevin

From abnormal psych class paper:

The character I chose to analyze and diagnose is Kevin Khatchadourian from the 2011 film, We Need to Talk about Kevin. Brilliantly depicted by star Ezra Miller and various other child actors, Kevin is an angry, emotionally detached boy who struggles in his complex relationship with his mother. We see the unhealthy relationship develop between the two through-out the film as Kevin grows from a baby to a young man, ending in tragedy as Kevin achieves his ultimate revenge against his mother by massacring the rest of their family as well as several classmates in a school shooting.  

After carefully noting Kevin’s behavior and the way he and his mother Eva interact when he is a young child, I have decided to diagnose Kevin with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). The diagnostic criteria from the current Diagnostic and Statistical manual (DSM-5) for RAD reads as follows: 

A. A consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers, manifested by both of the following: 

1. The child rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed. 

2. The child rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed. 

B. A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following: 

Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others 

Limited positive affect 

Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers. 

C. The child has experienced a pattern of extremes of insufficient care as evidenced by at least one of the following: 

Social neglect or deprivation in the form of persistent lack of having basic emotional needs for comfort, stimulation, and affection met by caring adults 

Repeated changes of primary caregivers that limit opportunities to form stable attachments (e.g., frequent changes in foster care) 

Rearing in unusual settings that severely limit opportunities to form selective attachments (e.g., institutions with high child to caregiver ratios) 

D. The care in Criterion C is presumed to be responsible for the disturbed behavior in Criterion A (e.g., the disturbances in Criterion A began following the lack of adequate care in Criterion C). 

E. The criteria are not met for autism spectrum disorder. 

F. The disturbance is evident before age 5 years. 

G. The child has a developmental age of at least nine months. 

Specify if Persistent: The disorder has been present for more than 12 months. 

Specify current severity: Reactive Attachment Disorder is specified as severe when a child exhibits all symptoms of the disorder, with each symptom manifesting at relatively high levels. 

Kevin displays behavior that meets both criteria A and B. As a baby he cried constantly, reportedly even when held, showing an inability or unwillingness to be soothed. As a toddler he shows defiance, disinterest in social interaction, and a refusal to engage in play, such as when his mother is attempting to play with a ball with him and he refuses to roll the ball back or respond in any way, instead staring at her with a sullen expression. Kevin also refuses his mother’s pleas to say the word “Mommy”. As a slightly older child, Kevin continues to act defiantly and shows anger, ripping up the paper when his mother attempts to school him, immediately soiling his newly changed diapers on purpose, throwing food against the wall and onto tables, breaking his crayons, making nonsensical noises to irritate his mother, and destroying his mother’s artfully decorated room. When he is taken to the doctor to be examined, he shows no expression, does not speak, and stiffens his body. When his baby sister is born, he purposefully sprinkles water onto the newborn, causing her to cry. It should be noted however that in one instance Kevin seems to relax his cold exterior and accept comfort from his mother, shown by the scene in which he falls ill and cuddles with his mother while she reads him a story. He even apologizes for her having to clean up his throw-up. Unfortunately, as soon as he is feeling well again he is back to being rude and rejecting any attempt of hers to take care of him, refusing her help to change his clothes.  

As for criteria C, although Kevin has not experienced extreme abuse or neglect, I believe Kevin suffered from a traumatic birth as it was mentioned that his mother was resisting. His mother Eva did not desire a child, especially not one as difficult as Kevin, so she emotionally neglects him and is cold to him. Eva makes it very clear to him that he is unwanted, telling him straight to his face that she was happy before she gave birth to him and not correcting him when Kevin mentions that Eva does not like him. In one instance, she is accidentally too rough with him and breaks his arm, which Kevin later refers to as being the most honest thing she ever did. Kevin also meets the criteria of D through G, and his symptoms are persistent. I would say Kevin has moderate to severe symptoms as he does exhibit all listed symptoms quite regularly.  

I believe Kevin’s psychological problems may also have developed into conduct disorder (CD) as an adolescent and then antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) or psychopathy in adulthood, especially after taking into consideration the mutilation of his sister’s eye and the killing of his sister’s guinea pig, his father, his sister, and several classmates. He shows no guilt or empathy, appears to have shallow emotions besides anger, and shows no evidence of having affection or emotional bonds to anyone. He is also very manipulative; putting on a fake act of normalcy for his father, turning his parents against each other, and navigating the legal system to get his best outcome. However, I know that children with RAD can also be violent and if not treated, behave in a way very similar to conduct disorder in adolescence and ASPD or psychopathy in adulthood. The main reason I chose to focus on RAD over CD or ASPD is because I believe the root of Kevin’s problem is immense pain at being rejected and unloved as a child and that he harbors a deep desire to have that connection but is unable to accept affection.  He is so focused on and consumed by his anger towards his mother, while someone with true psychopathy may be more detached and indifferent. I also leaned more towards RAD given that he showed symptoms from such a young age and did not seem to have any problems outside of his issues with his mother, such as acting out in school or engaging in petty, impulsive crime. I do wish that the film showed more of his interaction with his peers. Lastly, I felt RAD was a more accurate choice because of the subtle signs of it that are associated more with RAD than CD, such as stiffening his body when others try to hug him, making nonsensical sounds, and not making eye contact as an infant, although that may not have been intentionally put in the film. Either way, his parents certainly needed to talk to professionals about Kevin when he was a child. Had they done so, perhaps they could have prevented the tragedy of both his life and the pain he inflicted on others.  

Response to tumblr ask:

I agree! I would have loved to see how he interacts at school, what he does when he’s alone and has spare time, and more of his childhood.

I think he had multiple reasons:

1- To make his mother suffer since he obviously has a lot of anger and resentment towards her

2- Because he doesn’t feel much positive emotion and gave up on ever feeling pleasure or enjoyment from regular life. Normal life is incredibly boring for him. He wanted to DO something- real, meaningful, make something happen. He wanted to Live. I very much relate.

3- He enjoys the attention he gets from it.

We talked about this in my forensic psych club- whether we should give interviews and all this attention to violent criminals. Our society is fascinated by them to the point where we make movies and books. People sell and collect memorabilia. They have fan-girls writing love letters and showing up to their court sessions, even fighting each other over them. It’s pretty crazy. But on the other hand, it’s important that we study them. Or is it? There’s a debate about everything.

4- His philosophy and world view. 

He is very nihilistic, he doesn’t believe life “means” anything and right/wrong doesn’t exist/is just a matter of opinion or viewpoint. His actions don’t really matter either, nothing does. I used to think exactly like he did when I was a teen, and I still do in a way.

As for your last question, it’s easy to forget one way of thinking when you’re in another. It’s hard to remember how one state was when you’re in a different one. Also, as shitty as outside life can be, life in prison is even shittier. Makes you appreciate the ability of choice and being able to do things, even just to walk around outside or buy an icecream cone. He was also only 15 at the time of the crime, and in the last scene he’s 18. A lot of chemical changes and neural development happens in that time. He matured- his way of thinking about himself, the world, and the others around him changed.

[beeinahailstorm]

"I think people are scared of me"

You, you blew up their country. I- What did you expect, hero worship??? Like yeah, it's sad that everyone you know-- and maybe love idek at this point-- is scared of you, but it's not an invalid fear. Wilbur keeps saying he wants to be a better person, but he never acknowledges what he's trying to be better from. How can you change if you purposefully forget who you were? How can you apologize if you don't connect yourself to your wrongdoings?

The answer is you can't. This is why Wilbur CONSTANTLY invalidates other people's feelings. For example, when Wilbur got revived and Tommy basically said, "You don't deserve to be happy after everything you've done to everyone" Wilbur baiscally told Tommy that he was "bringing out the Wilbur from before", not that Wilbur doesn't have the tools to not use unhealthy responses when faced with conflict. Tommy isn't responsible for making sure he doesn't get yelled at by Wilbur. Not only that, but this only fruther proves that Wilbur isn't that far off from that old "bad" version of himself. It's isn't that he hasn't changed at all, or can't change positively now, he's just not making the correct efforts to do so.

I know people are going to feel bad for Wilbur and in turn invalidate all the other characters, and it's frustrating to me because you can do both. You can feel bad for Wilbur and know he deserves the treatment. You can wish he had positive, supportive relationships while knowing that no one has to, or really should, forgive him. One party doesn't have to be "overreacting" for the other to be valid in their feelings.

I think the only reason Wilbur doesn't have this mindset is because he has to admit blame in an incontrolable way. When Wilbur apologized to everyone, he did on his own terms. When people needed a different type of apology, or if any apology just personally wasn't enough for them, he lashed out. I feel like he thinks he deserves, or is even owed, forgiveness, which... he isn't. And because he cant process that it leads to a vicious cycle of him lashing out, people hating him, him being mad at people hating him, and then him lashing out again. People constantly talk about how "complex" Wilbur is only when it benefits him. Yes, he's complex. Yes, hes a tragic character. At the end of the day neither of those things matter, or should matter, to the people he hurt.

Anyway, stay safe out there and drink some water nerds

[liesfallaciesfabrications]

Mr. Queen Analysis

My take on the rather heartbreaking and vague ending of the KDrama, Mr. Queen.

  Okay, I’ve been thinking long and hard on this subject (way too much) and have come to the following consensus:

Bong-Hwan and So Yong are both versions of the same soul. What got me thinking about this was that scene in episode 5 where SoBong talks about original and past lives but then mentions parallel time-streams. To illustrate, she draws two lines running side by side and explains how a past life can be in one and the original/current being in the other. This had me stumped a bit, and I thought it a bit random that they put that in there, but then I looked up “reincarnation and parallel lives” and there’s a surprising number of articles on it - though obviously not conclusive or scientific as it involves spirituality. 

Episode 5 also explains why time in the present is flowing at the same rate as the past, which we discovered when BH’s consciousness briefly reentered his body and explain why they chose to reveal that fact. Time isn’t linear here but more fluid with both versions existing simultaneously - harkening back to the two lines Mr. Queen drew to illustrate.

The reincarnation theory would explain many of the elements of the story that I found hard to accept. For example:

If So Yong’s separate soul was in there with Bong Hwan’s soul then why did he never feel her? In fact, the show repeatedly makes reference to the idea that Bong Hwan does not feel another soul and attributes characteristics of SY to the body (telling her after the kiss that the soul is in control of the body so she ought to behave and in another scene he tries to get her soul to return by addressing the lake - where he believes she is hiding).  The only time he accuses her of being a separate entity inside of him is when he wants an excuse for his feelings and reactions to CJ. The “it must have been her that took control. If I knew it was CJ I would have....still enjoyed it?!? What’s wrong with me?” moments. LOL What if the reason he couldn’t feel another presence was because there wasn’t another? He merely had his consciousness wake up in the body of his past life but didn’t realize it.

It would explain the gradual integration of both personalities. For example, when CJ returns the book to Mr. Queen, she never thinks of herself as NOT being the girl from the well as she did when he first confesses his love for her at the lake. As BH spends more time in her previous body, the lines become more blurred not just in memory but also in identity because he IS her. If they were two separate souls, I don’t think she would have that same reaction nor do I see anything to indicate that So Yong “took over” in that moment or any other. Memories were accessed, personality traits were mingling, but we saw SY come out in episode 20...that personality was immediately recognizable. Fantastic acting by SHS - especially as she had me loving the one and hating the other, despite being both.

It would explain why Mr. Queen falls for CJ so hard, despite his initial protests. I never liked the idea of his feelings being manipulated, but I can get on board with the idea that he accepts his feelings for CJ because this is a man that some part of him has always loved - and falls in love with “again” through their shared experiences and journey.

It would also explain the question of why Bong Hwan. What was the connection between this man and So Yong? They are reincarnations of each other. When So Yong was feeling hopeless and needed strength, she pulled upon her stronger version of herself to help her - made possible in that moment when she desperately wanted to give up on life and he desperately wanted to live. She came to him in that pool and appeared to the queen again when she was looking for answers in the lake. This does not give the impression of a soul cruelly imprisoned in her own body against her will. 

It would also explain why, when Bong Hwan briefly went back to his body, So Yong did not reappear. She wasn’t being suppressed. She purposefully had her reincarnated self come to give her strength and was not ready at that time to assume her life again. I found her choice of words at Byeong-In’s grave to to be telling. She said he always knew where to find her whenever she was hiding. It’s also why I believe BI didn’t realize Mr. Queen wasn’t SY - for the same reason CJ doesn’t at the end of the drama. These two men, both of whom deeply love her, could sense it was her, just in reverse order. CJ-SB-SY and BI-SY-SB.

It would also solve the pesky issue of why BH is an overall better person - not just at the moment of his return but before. Someone on Reddit mentioned the implausibility of CJ’s political accomplishments causing a ripple effect to change BH, and I agree. However, if we look at BH as SY’s reincarnation, then the positive attributes he now displays in the altered timeline can be accounted for because he prevented his previous incarnation from killing herself, therefore in his next lifetime his soul didn’t carry those grudges. This fits with the idea of reincarnation as a person’s life experiences and emotions/grudges/regrets/mindset at death will determine the psychological and even physical manifestation of their next life. 

SY was told by evil Kim that she had no power b/c she was a woman - next life is a man. 

SY had her love cruelly rejected - next life is a playboy who doesn’t seem to believe in love. 

SY felt that she was living a lie - next life is a man who doesn’t care who he offends with his opinion and does what he wants when he wants - to the point of selfishness - though this changes when he prevents many of these resentments by his actions in the past. 

Finally, it would explain why CJ is so “oblivious” at end of the show. He promised when he returned the book to SB that he would never fail to recognize her, and he doesn’t. While her personality has changed, it’s intrinsically also the same person, though this is the area I felt the writers dropped the ball in execution, but I get that they were pressed for time. The implications of this aspect also seem to be what KJH meant in his comment to a fan’s question of whether the king knew that BH had left.That it didn’t matter: SY or BH didn’t matter, only how CJ saw her.

So why send BH back? I believe they did it because it wouldn't make sense for him to live a life he essentially already lived as SY. Reincarnation is meant to be for a soul to grow and spiritually evolve, which it could not do by simply repeating what it had already done. Also, for some reason (I suspect so as not to offend Koreans by skipping over one of the most prominent historical figures in their culture - Queen Min), they still have CJ dying at age 32. This can be seen in the book BH is looking at when he's seeing his portrait, and is mentioned as early as episode 1. This was never going to be a happy ending for CJ/BH in the sense that many viewers wanted. Rather, he was going to facilitate the relationship of SY/CJ so that his previous life could run its course...ugh, I feel sick typing that out...with the hope that they meet again in another lifetime. Our SB is many things but trapped in Joseon without modern medicine, a miracle worker she is not. CJ dies without any heirs; his baby with the queen dies at just six months. If the BH decided to stay for love and then lost the baby and CJ, that would be just as heartbreaking for me as the ending I received. 

Wiki and other sources speculate the CJ was poisoned by the Andong Kims, but many historians (including Bong Hwan’s mother, it seems) dispute that fact as it would serve no purpose since he was a puppet king and since his death then allowed the Jo family to briefly take control until King Gojong’s father pretty much crushed both the Kims and the Jos. In reality, he probably died of unhealthy habits and a life of excess. In the show’s world, who knows...cancer or any number of possible illnesses that could not be treated at that time. During the banquet planning, we see CJ suffer a nosebleed. In the spinoff, Mr. Queen mentions how CJ is trying hard not to collapse from the strain of his burdens. These could be hints left by writers to indicate that CJ’s health has been compromised by the grueling struggles and stress he’s had to endure, not to mention allowing himself to get blown up.

They writers did give us the hope for another reunion - perhaps in BH’s lifetime or perhaps another one. It’s why I think they tried to imply a SY/CJ connection in the Bamboo Forest prequel (the only prequel in the spinoff) as well as end Bamboo Forest with a reincarnation wish. The setup seemed quite intentional and in specific order. The prequel created a sense of destiny. The next segment was about Mr. Queen confirming if it was just his body or his soul that was attracted to CJ...literally the words out of the character’s mouth...and they gave an answer to that with the last shot. The final segment introduced the wish for CJ to meet his queen again, and he is clearly thinking of Mr. Queen - so why the prequel, which would seem to introduce a separate love interest, unless it’s actually not because they’re one and the same with the middle segment emphasizing the genuine attraction and love for each other.

This might not be everyone’s cup of tea; it certainly wasn’t mine, and I think the writers should have handled the leaving better instead of going for an quasi mind-wipe of all the characters’ remembrances of Mr. Queen. I mean, CJ went from being horrified at Mr. Queen acting like a perfect little queen for a few seconds a mere handful of episodes ago to just asking "why the formality" at a more permanent display of temperament and seemed practically oblivious otherwise. Then Choi and Yeon were "shocked" when So Yong didn't revert to her witch of the palace act and chastise the maids that were laughing by the pond - as if Mr. Queen didn't already change that way of thinking months ago. Not to mention that they were also nonplussed by the fact that their relationship to the queen had gone from being regarded as family back to a servant/master status quo. Even with the soulmate angle, there was to much deus ex machina thrown in. The idea of soul mates is a romantic one, but the execution of it fell through.

They should have never gone with the reincarnation route, especially if they were never intending to let SY have a true voice in the drama, even if it’s just a final conversation between herself and BH before he leaves, made possible in that split second before true separation. Viewers never got to bond with her, and in those moments we did see her, she was either a watered down version of the personality we were emotionally invested in or emphasized the opposite characteristics (demure, feminine, etc...) that we loved Mr. Queen for rejecting. Also, this angle gives us no true feeling of completeness and satisfaction. SY is with CJ in the past - we won't see them develop their feelings for each other and grow to like them as a couple. BH is in the present but who knows if he'll find CJ's reborn soul and happiness with whoever it is. Promises without fulfillment demand too much from the audience to fill in the blanks. If that's the case, next time just give us a tag line and tell the audience to imagine the rest.

Even if they share the same soul, we are given two distinct personalities and not enough connection between them in terms of their recognizing each other, acknowledging their feelings for CJ to each other in some sort of passing the flame moment that would make it feel more homogeneous and prevent feelings of resentment at what we perceive as an injustice to a personality we adore.

Instead of creating an emotional divide between the two, they should have just have SY die before BH's soul enters, and develop the romance between CJ and HB's as the novel and even that cheap and campy Chinese version did. Having SY there just muddied the waters, and became a distraction and an excuse for every emotional milestone Mr. Queen experienced, negating that character's development and laying it at SY's feet or claims of deliberate interference.

They should have chosen a fictional king and not boxed themselves into a limited outcome. Granted, it gave them a valid reason for booting BH back to present times, but look at the result: limited number of years with someone the audience isn't really familiar with for our beloved ML (plus their baby dies) and a huge question mark for our F-turned back into ML in the present with the hope that maybe the reincarnation thing works in his favor but who knows because they couldn't even toss us that small crumb which would have alleviated some of our heartache for BH as well as give more credence to the fact that SY/BH are the same and thereby lessened the feelings of resentment to the SY character as well. Or they could have gone with a multiverse theory and left it wide open as to what sweeping changes would occur. BH being initially thrown back to the Joseon era as a result of his dying would have achieved that because then the audience would have no reason to revisit the present nor see that the worlds were linked via changes upon his return and stuck with the poisoning threat averted. Blow recorded history to smithereens and leave that to our imagination instead.

Yes, the fish-out-of-water hijinks were great fun, but the completion of the character arcs/relationship/etc...shouldn’t be an afterthought. 

The other element I would have liked to have seen that was in neither of the televised versions (though the Chinese one came very, very close) but was in the web novel is the king fully accepting that his wife is not the woman she was, believing that her previous body was a man, falling in love regardless and she with him. However, I think we all knew that wasn’t going to happen in a kdrama. 

[onepickyreader]

Why Jihyun is a horrible person vs Kyujin (used here as a comparison) - part 2

part 1 is here and mostly deals with J and Chiwoo encounter (in the present), plus the idea that the author is purposefully putting in a parallelism J and K

Also, trigger warnings, I will talk about abusive and unhealthy relationships, rape, assault

FLASHBACK: I AM SORRY (and why the relationship between Chiwoo and J has never been a good one)

I just wanted to add some things about the previous PAST interactions between Chiwoo and J.

J is shown to be violent and to treat people like they are nothing. He seduces Chiwoo's possible girlfriend, so that Chiwoo would break up with her, he beats up people who try to get close to Chiwoo. And, every time, he apologizes.

Now, let's look at the previous apologies. J has often used them as a weapon. They were the "I apologized, why are you treating ME like this", the "I apologized, YOU keep ignoring me", escalating up to J assaulting Chiwoo again as a punishment for his unheard apologies (in the present). Later on, we find out that J doesn’t really regret the assault per se, but the fact that Chiwoo didn’t forgive him (chapter 35).

This is what narcissistic behavior is, from this link

An apology to a narcissist means:

Look how good I am. (J uses his apologies to get pity, and draw attentions, he kneels in front of Chiwoo) Now you owe me forgiveness. (this is literally what J thinks, reason why he punishes Chiwoo for ignoring his apologies) We won’t talk about this again. Our relationship is still on my terms, but I appear to care about your feelings. (This is what J wants from the apologies, he wants Chiwoo to go back being how he was with him)

Not to mention that this cycle of violence and apologies trap Chiwoo into an unhealthy relationship. Chiwoo is worried about J, he is worried things won’t go back to normal, he is worried things will go wrong and J will flip. He also decides to ignore the many “I like you” J tells him, and this is what J uses against him. This is the big offense, J thinks must be punished somehow. (I explained in part 1 that he thinks the rape is just the result of Chiwoo’s behavior)

Another thing I’d like to highlight about Chiwoo and J past relationship:

There is a scene where J yells at Chiwoo. Chiwoo’s reaction is not to defend himself, or yell back, but to get their friends (minions?) out, probably to protect J from other people’s judgement and eyes, because, once alone, Chiwoo goes for PLACATING. His friend is yelling at him and accusing him of stuff, and Chiwoo’s first reaction is babying him, placating him.

Later on, while J is kissing Chiwoo against his consent, and Chiwoo is repeating stop, he ends up punching J, in an attempt to be heard. Chiwoo APOLOGIZES.

Let me repeat. J is assaulting Chiwoo, ignoring his requests to stops, Chiwoo hits him to defend himself and immediately apologizes. That is learnt behavior.

A similar thing happens with K. Chiwoo and K are together, K doesn’t listen to one no, and Chiwoo punches him. The atmosphere is much more playful and light, bu K says that “Chiwoo hurt his feelings”, which throws Chiwoo right back into a flashback and he APOLOGIZES. 

Furthermore, I am of the idea that J doesn’t regret assaulting Chiwoo because of the hurt he caused Chiwoo, but because of the consequence to their relationship. 

But, now, back to the comparisons.

PRESENT: K’s APOLOGY

I just wanted to highlight a bit the chapter after the flashback, where we see what J’s apologies are.

K has been ignoring Chiwoo because he is embarrassed and had a sex dream about him. K feels genuinely sorry, not only for avoiding Chiwoo but especially because he feels like he has been disrespectful towards him by having such a dream. The apology is so honest that we can see his thoughts right on paper:

And more importantly he doesn’t expect to be forgiven. Instead of what we saw with J (Jimmediately wraps his arm around Chiwoo, in the flashback, as soon as he can see that Chiwoo is slightly less mad), K is surprised that their relationship can go back to before.

HOW TO START A RELATIONSHIP

The comparison here is pretty brief. In the flashback, J keeps insisting that he likes Chiwoo, and while both of them knows what is going on, it is never said explicitly. J clearly doesn’t want to throw it all out there, in case Chiwoo rejects him.

In chapter 21, K announces loudly and clear his intention to court Chiwoo, but still worries about making him uncomfortable. GOALS.

And while J was putting it all on Chiwoo, this is K:

A bit of a parenthesis about touch

K uses touch as a way to communicate and connect, and flirt etc.

While J also uses touch as a way to communicate and connect and flirt, he is the only one who uses touching as a threat and a warning.

Look at this asshole. There is no way this is love.

btw, I already talked about that scene where they all sleep together and how once again J refuses to listen to Chiwoo’s consent here

(also remember that time K asks permission before hugging Chiwoo. Amazing content)

SEASON 2: J and CHIWOO

Season 1 is all about Chiwoo having to face his abuser being back in his life, and the start of some feelings towards K. In season 2, Chiwoo is absolutely resigned to this new life. He doesn’t care about going to a trip with his classmates (until his mother insists he goes), he tries to stay away from everyone, and all because J literally and explicitly threatened Chiwoo. 

So Chiwoo is doing all he can to keep his head down, and keep K and his new friends safe. For his part, J uses physical contact and kissing as a way to claim ownership (Chiwoo remarks that J did that in front of everyone on purpose).

we have heartbreaking internal dialogue, like this

And

Because somehow, part of the shitty victim blaming J has been spouting must have gotten to Chiwoo.

In season 2, we see that the only moment Chiwoo lets himself get close to K (telling him that K can still go on liking Chiwoo, and that he needs more time to decide), is also the moment J returns to violence and basically does what he has been warning Chiwoo of: beating K up. So Chiwoo’s fears were absolutely warranted.

This escalates to J getting K to a secluded place to let his minions beat him up. The solution J sees, the only solution, is, once again, getting rid of the person close to Chiwoo, so that Chiwoo, once isolated, can crawl back to J.

This comes directly after J’s realization that maybe he shouldn’t have raped Chiwoo, and that he had really imagined Chiwoo would forgive him once again. And because forgiveness is not working, then isolation must be the tactic.

The fact that Chiwoo intervenes doesn’t stop him, because, in my opinion, J is aware that fear also used to work well in their previous relationships, and that Chiwoo used to turn to placating him, instead of getting mad at him, during previous abuses.

Unfortunately, once more, Chiwoo is the one getting hurt, and once again refusing J’s apology.

And Chiwoo has enough (this is how he welcomes J to the hospital room)

The fact that J apologizes once more, and is so hopeful to look up when Chiwoo calls his name, clearly shows that J did not learn anything. He still thinks he is getting away with this. 

I am not sure why this time Chiwoo’s words seem to not fall on deaf ears.

It could be, that this is the first time J sees the consequence of his actions up close (when he had raped Chiwoo, he had never seen him after). And it could be that Chiwoo just looks so defeated him, while telling him that he cannot forgive J anymore.

And this is not even about K (and what J wanted to do to K), this is again about J and how he betrayed Chiwoo’s trust, and facing for the first time what had happened: how Chiwoo had to leave school, how he had stayed indoors for months, how he had been scared of people. 

Chiwoo finally admits that he knows J remembers what has happened, that J has never been too drunk or out of control, and cannot use that as an excuse anymore.

Chiwoo literally says that seeing J makes him want to die. 

And this is presented like Chiwoo’s chapter, this is the moment he can finally face his abuser and tell him what he had done to him. This is not for J, this is not J’s character growth, this is Chiwoo’s, because while Chiwoo is baring his soul and pain, J’s tears and pain is all about what HE had lost, what HE could have gotten, and HIS jealousy.

Chiwoo can finally ignore the pleads of his abuser, and how J keeps insisting that he will change, that Chiwoo cannot leave him. So Chiwoo just asks him to stop being friends and never meet again.

J, for all his warped idea of love, has always been loyal to Chiwoo, so even this time, he finally can see that no amount of apologies will work, so he goes away.

FOR A BIT. Because, for all his character development, he never actually managed to see the full impact of what he has done, so when he leaves, he doesn’t accept the idea that Chiwoo might NEVER forgive him.

He still says, WHENEVER, WHEN you will forgive me, and he will be waiting.

A SMALL CONCLUSION

As the author herself said, this is about Chiwoo’s growth and starting to heal from trauma. This is not a story about a love triangle, and I believe that many of the scenes we have with K are there to show the way J is NOT.

Here a summary of these parallelisms:

J isolating Chiwoo vs K introducing Chiwoo to his friends

Chiwoo asking J and K not to touch him, J touching him, K not touching him

We have J alone in Chiwoo’s house, assaulting him. vs K alone with Chiwoo, just studying (as Chiwoo told him to)

K asking for Chiwoo’s number vs J somehow finding and registering Chiwoo’s number

the differences between K and J apologies

Possessiveness vs love (just look at the way K is happy to see Chiwoo with friends)

Asking before hugging vs possessive touch

Constant requests and messages (where are you, who are you with) vs actual worries about “have you safely reached home?”

All those instances of how J uses touch as a threat to Chiwoo

J EXPECTING to be forgiven vs J surprised that he can resume his relationship with Chiwoo after being forgiven

J expecting Chiwoo to understand his feelings and faulting him for not to vs K apologizing for not having been clear enough and directly asking Chiwoo if he can keep pursuing him

Let me finish with this beautiful ending of Chiwoo throwing away his memories with J, and the conflicting feel of hate and love that he feels for his once best friend. JUST.... I feel that.

Also, these are Chiwoo’s thoughts on K:

[056crowshit6556]

Disillusionment in the characters of Mitzi May and Mordecai Heller

I wanted to discuss what I find to be a fascinating relationship between Mitzi and Mordecai.

There’s no better place to start than with Ivy Pepper’s dream sequence in “Nightmare”.

Okay, so breaking this scene down. The three characters Viktor, Mordecai, and Mitzi surround a tree which represents Atlas, or at least, a conceptualized version of what Atlas has become, everything he built, and everything he represented. Ivy calls the thing they’re surrounding a “ghost”, and asks why they don’t turn around, i.e. move on with their lives. Why don’t they leave?

Mitzi and Mordecai are attached to the tree by a blue ghostly mist. It’s specifically attached to their eyes, showing how their connection to Atlas gives them ‘vision’, focus, purpose, and foresight.

I find it particularly fascinating that Mitzi and Mordecai are the ones attached to this tree by the soul sucking/soul giving light, but I think it’s appropriate considering that Atlas was their entire world. He is what connects Mitzi and Mordecai, which is what I’m going to try to explain through this post.

Both characters were born and raised in abject poverty (appropriately enough, one came from ‘northern’ poverty, the other ‘southern’ poverty— a subtle but efficient dichotomy between the two). Both had talents that Atlas fostered, both of them liked how Atlas made them feel special, both of them vied for his attention, which is the main source for the animosity and connection between them in the first place.

I’m interested in their relationship because I find it fascinatingly bitter, complicated, mysterious, and for some reason, very tender. Not tender as in affectionately warmhearted, but tender because both of them are a soft spot in each other’s memories. Mitzi acknowledges Mordecai as “a helping of salt to rub in her wounds” and Mordecai states that he has “mixed feelings” about this meeting. That I’ll explore in a moment, but first, it stands to mention what Mitzi says to Asa in “Heartstrings”:

“You only know someone until you don’t”

Which to me, might be a little tongue-in-cheek on Mitzi’s part, suggesting that she knows something about Mordecai that no one, not Asa or even us, the readers, fully understand. If there’s something about Mitzi’s character that has been shown so far it’s that she goes through the motions of social grace and banter while maintaining a sense of condescending, underlying humor about the irony of situations. This line went over my head until I went back and read it, and the subsequent scene of them talking in the car further adds to the implication that they know each other more intimately than expected.

Being taken in by Atlas, they were exposed to each other as a consequence of circumstance. They both shared Atlas to a degree which bordered on the unhealthy, because I don’t think they formed identities beyond the ones they formed in relation to Atlas. With the added fact that they were both fairly young and impressionable when Atlas took them in, and the subsequent familial rivalry and resentment their relationship created, there’s no surprise that they’re both disillusioned and blindly clinging to the dead tree as seen in Ivy Pepper’s dream.

The problem I see between Mitzi and Mordecai is that because of circumstance, they had to be vulnerable with each other, and even though jealously may have created resentment between them, I think the two flashback scenes in “Hamstring” and “Confessional” state multitudes about that resentment. It’s not just jealousy, (Mordecai asserts that he has no interest in defending her, which sounds petty and jealous although he could have valid reasons— it’s unclear at this point), but I figure that the other layer to Mitzi and Mordecai’s resentment of each other stems from the assumption that they were vulnerable with each other at some point. Whatever happened at this moment, which Mitzi refers to as a “bad memory”, altered their relationship in some form or another.

“What’s left to question between you and I?”

“That remains between us.”

I can’t imagine Mordecai taking too kindly to anyone he has to be vulnerable with, and I don’t think Mitzi would enjoy admitting she has weaknesses or flaws either. It’s one of the reasons I find their characters to be so similar. Neither of them like dropping their protective facade but I think in the past they did with each other. (Mitzi’s facade being a socialite debutante, Mordecai’s facade being a cold-blooded sociopath). I think they perform traits of those facades, but the problem is I think those traits were fostered and encouraged by Atlas, maybe without him even meaning to. It’s like...two children will act a certain way because they can tell those actions please their parent. It’s really sad and really distressing but that’s the way these two characters operate in the realm of the story.

The man Mordecai is interrogating, Grombach, states that Mordecai doesn’t seem like the “cake-eater” type, but he does fit right in with that crowd.

And Zib, who knew Mitzi before she met Atlas, states that she’s not the sleepy eyed girl he found in Georgia anymore in “Blood-money” (although I think Zib might be looking at Mitzi through nostalgic rose-colored glasses).

Case in point, Mitzi and Mordecai’s characters are alot more multi-layered and complex than simply a socialite-flapper and a triggerman-cake eater, although they did perform those roles reasonably well.

(That’s one of the reasons why it’s difficult to tell who is taking the gun in that particular flashback. Mordecai claims that Mitzi didn’t shoot anyone, so it’s reasonable to assume that Mitzi is handing the gun to Mordecai. (I could be completely wrong but it’s fun to speculate). She taught him how to maneuver, or at least interpret, social situations. In turn, he could have done something, or helped her, commit a murder. It’s ugly but that’s his speciality. If Mitzi is handing the gun to Mordecai and asking him to eliminate someone, then in such an instance she stops being “Atlas’s little wife” and starts being a boss. Maybe Mordecai trusted her judgement on it and the plan went horribly wrong, and so he blames her for it. There’s alot to unpack there so I’ll just leave it at that).

This idea of creating a persona is even perpetrated by Mitzi, who claims Mordecai to be her ‘little project’ in the mini-comic “Photoplay”— and although I’m sure he was reluctant at first, Mordecai allowed Mitzi to help him integrate into Atlas’s society— the 1920s flapper way.

(Not to mention that line from Mordecai: “You like it because he likes you to like it?” That sums up perfectly what I’m trying to get at— I’m not saying Mitzi’s interest in photography is a facade, or Mordecai’s interest in being a bookkeeper or a hitman is a facade either, but what I’m getting at is those interests were directly correlated to Atlas and were absolutely influenced by Atlas. They call each other out for using Atlas’s money or clothes, and I imagine there’s been other times where they purposefully nitpick the other when Atlas gave them a gift. It’s jealousy in its most blatant form).

That one line by Mordecai is so good because it encapsulates the way their relationship was at the beginning before “things visibly deteriorated.” They were both butting heads with each other, nitpicking the other because they knew how Atlas changed both of their lives. It’s so childish but definitely prevalent among siblings— Mordecai thought he had some sort of upper hand, that he was his own person, but Mitzi reminds him that he’s wearing Atlas’s shirts, inevitably reminding him that he can’t escape Atlas’s influence. We want to think we’re our own person, free from influences, but those closest to us inevitably remind us where and what we came from.

And neither Mitzi or Mordecai can hide from each other the fact that Atlas took them in and gave them financial security, food on their plate, clothes on their back, and a sense of purpose. He made them feel different than how they actually feel about themselves. This is expressed by Serafine to Mordecai in “Redivivo” and “Keepsake”:

“And like dat, he’s lit up a path out de black mire you got yourself in. Shinin’ a direction for you, real clear. His direction. But once you take dat direction, once dat light is on you, dat’s all you got. De other loa leave you. You are obliged to him only, always. Or else you are lost again.”

And in “Vestige”, Mitzi admits that she liked how he made her feel special.

Serafine sums it up pretty well: Mitzi and Mordecai found someone that ‘lit up’ the path in front of them.

I want to briefly mention their interaction in “Hamstring” and “Monomania”. Mordecai speaks very differently to Mitzi than the three other male characters in the story (I’m referring to Zib, Rocky, and Wick). It could be the mysterious nature of their relationship but the conflict it adds to the story is intriguing nonetheless. More so, I always got the impression that he spoke to her as an equal. Zib doesn’t like that Mitzi’s capable of deceit, Rocky places her on a pedestal and views her as a damsel-in-distress, and Wick sees her as the elegant flapper widow of the late Atlas May (and a romantic interest, not a business partner). The difference between the aforementioned relationships is that Mitzi and Mordecai don’t want anything from each other, and they call each other out quite bluntly— Mitzi tells him he can’t treat her as both an enemy and a confidante, Mordecai places some blame on her for Atlas’s death. So when I say that their relationship feels equal to me, it does seem that they have an equal amount of dirt on each other, but at the same time, they tell each other the truth. Two cats in the same boat and the boat’s name is Atlas? Such close familiarity means they can’t hide things from each other, not really, and they can’t raise their expectations of the other person when they already know that person’s limits. In contrast, Zib wants Mitzi to run away with him and forget Atlas, Rocky wants her approval, and Wick wants her because of his romantic interest in her. I’m not saying their intentions are wrong or mistrustful, in fact, they aren’t. All characters have motive, it’s what drives the story. The thing is, they’ve all created misconstrued personas of Mitzi, but I don’t get the impression that Mordecai has, and I don’t get the impression that she’s construed a false premise of him either. 

That’s the consequence of “growing up” together, building an identity alongside someone, and then, as Mordecai puts it, they witness each other’s identities “visibly deteriorate”— whatever happened between them before Atlas’s death was the incident which revealed each other’s vulnerability. Mordecai tells Mitzi to “keep her charade” out of the way, insinuating that he knows she’s capable of putting on appearances, but it’s a possibility that he’s trying to remove her from the bootlegging business because he doesn’t want to see what happened to Atlas happen to her. Personally, I would love to see the narrative ironically drive Mordecai to lose his current composure (a kind of karmic retribution for looting Lackadaisy’s storeroom, even if his underlying intentions were to push Mitzi farther away from the business, he still did a great job of putting her life in danger). I don’t know if that voodoo sigil Serafine carved on his chest is going to do anything, but if it did, it could make him behave in a way that would expose his charade as Asa’s hired gun as well as his persona as a cold unfeeling triggerman.

Mitzi continues to run the Lackadaisy Speakeasy out of commitment to Atlas; Mordecai continues to take out targets for Marigold out of commitment for obtaining the truth about Atlas’s death— but the problem here is that they’re doing these things in service to a ghost. Neither of them can make things go back to the way it was. Atlas is dead, and without him, they’re lost. Their current commitment to Atlas is commitment to his memory, which is why in the dream sequence they stare blindly into his ghost, tethered to the dead tree.

And clinging to a ghost is a dangerous path to choose.

The lines “You’re obsessive” and “You’ve brought [losses] on yourself in your persistence” stands out to me.

In my opinion, Mordecai is projecting when he tells Mitzi she’s bringing shame to Atlas’s memory, because in an ironic way he’s kind of doing the same thing? This is coming from the same cat bastard who was running ‘round the woods stripped down to his underwear killing people on Marigold’s behalf like he ain’t got no goddamn sense. Literally our first introduction of Mordecai’s character in the comic paints him as an incredibly unhinged individual, so I think the irony of him saying Mitzi is embarrassing is just as hypocritical as Mitzi saying he’s obsessive. It’s so poignant and so deliberate how they project these things onto each other.

(Mitzi accuses Mordecai of being obsessive and she’s right, but her reluctance to give up the Speakeasy is borderline obsessive too. On a brief side note, it’s sad to think about but I genuinely think he’s going to get himself killed because he can’t let go of Atlas. And likewise, Mitzi is going to get into some kind of trouble (either with Wick or the law) because she’s clinging to Atlas’s memory and everything associated with his memory. They’re both obsessive to a degree and it’s showing through their self-serving choices throughout the story thus far. I could be wrong about this but my assumption is that Mitzi refuses to give up the Speakeasy because she feels some sort of underlying guilt, and Mordecai refuses to give up searching for answers because of a sense of obligation; but as stated above, Mordecai projects his feelings of guilt onto Mitzi, and Mitzi projects her feelings of inadequacy onto Mordecai).

The big elephant in the room is whether or not Mitzi and Mordecai conspired to murder Atlas. Personally I think no, but I do think they did something that indirectly caused his death. Perhaps they took out someone together, and that created a chain of events which led to Atlas’s demise. That would further instigate their obsessive guilt over what happened, but it’s a mystery for now.

It’s because of their fixation on Atlas’s memory that they’re both attached to the dead tree in Ivy Pepper’s dream. If they weren’t, they’d be lost in some desolate exodus across the desert landscape, a wasteland similar to the one conceptualized by T.S. Eliot in his work “The Waste Land.”

A few lines from the poem paint an eerie landscape similar to Ivy’s dream:

and

lastly

“I was neither living nor dead”

It’s a common theme among modernist literature that, as William Butler Yeats stated in his poem “The Second Coming”, the “center cannot hold.” After the horrors of World War I, combined with the rapid growth of consumerism and materialism as well as a decline in religious faith, things seemed to “visibly deteriorate”, people in the early 20th century were so disillusioned with the state of things that they felt they had no “center” to keep them tethered to this world; in a sense, what could give them a purpose or sense of meaning? At the end of the 19th century, Nietzsche famously quoted “God is Dead”, but it wasn’t in praise of humanity for turning towards science and reason, but despair because it begged the question: If God is Dead, then what the hell do we believe in? What do we put faith in?

In the case of Mitzi and Mordecai, that faith was in Atlas May.

Trees make excellent visual representations of “centers” in storytelling because our ancient ancestors considered the tree to be their home, their safe haven, the “center” of their world. Why else do trees continually reoccur as symbols of centrifuge throughout mythology, storytelling, and religion? Why else would it be called the tree of life and the tree of knowledge in the book of Genesis, or the World Tree Yggdrasil in Norse mythology, or the Kabbalah in Judaism if it wasn’t alluding to the fact the we evolved as a species alongside the trees?

It makes sense that the story’s center is Atlas, represented by a tree— but that’s the problem— Mitzi and Mordecai are centering themselves around a dead tree. But the memory of Atlas is what continues to give their eyes “light”, and so they don’t look away to face the reality that they are lost in a habitual wasteland.

With Atlas gone, both characters experience disillusionment with either themselves, the world, and maybe even their perceptions of Atlas. Basically, they built their identities around him, and I think they gave each other their most honest representations— which resulted in a sort of strained tenderness between the two which defers foremost to bitter resentment.

[daesungindistress]

You do know artists “retire” all the time and come back whenever? You do know you’re still pushing a false narrative of seungri just because you personally feel so betrayed from believing false media? Can you stop twisting words/purposefully misinterpreting for one sec and see it’s obvious the other 4 still support him?Where do you get off? Honestly you suffer from narcissism(google it please) and should probably get it looked at.

Oh, someone’s feisty! Alright, let’s go. *cracks knuckles*

False narrative? Please tell me what’s false about Seungri publicly announcing his retirement “because the issues I caused a societal disturbance with are too great.” About YG terminating his contract. About BB continuing on and making their comeback as four starting with Coachella next month. About their official promo materials portraying four members for the first time in their history. Not just on the Coachella website, on the YG website too. What part of this is false to you? All of this is real, all of this is true. But you, unable to adapt to changing circumstances, have barricaded yourself inside a world of your own making in which nothing has changed, not really, and everything will soon go back to the way it was. Newsflash: everything has changed and nothing will ever be the same. He did not “retire”, in quotations like he didn’t mean it, he retired. Actually, genuinely retired. Seungri bailed on BB and the industry, that really happened, and BB are going on without him, that’s really happening. To anyone with their head on straight it’s quite clear that he’s gone and the members are moving on. But yours seems to be duct-taped on backwards. No wonder all you can see is what we’re leaving behind.

It’s funny. You act like Seungri isn’t a competent, grown man who can make his own decisions about his career – and has! He made the decision to end it. Choosing not to believe the finality of it, which you are doing, doesn’t make it any less real or any less permanent. What you need to understand is that he did more than say goodbye to BB, he took it a step further – a big step further – and quit the industry. If he had any thoughts or hopes of coming back he would not have announced his retirement from entertainment, he would have pulled a Hanbin and left the group and left it at that – although even then, let me remind you no one in kpop has ever returned to their group after leaving. I think it’s safe to say Hanbin’s heart is still in music and we’ll be seeing him again someday, even if it’s not as a member of iKON. Seungri though… that’s a hard no.

Of course, it’s difficult to make this comparison due to the severity of their scandals being vastly unequal, which directly correlates to their chances of a successful return. I know you OT5/Seungri fans are stuck inside your own asses where I’m sure it’s all very warm and cozy and your precious trash panda isn’t regarded as one of the worst criminals in the history of kpop, but fact is… he’s regarded as one of the worst criminals in the history of kpop. And as if that wasn’t enough, his involvement in that chat, though he isn’t facing charges for it, is enough on its own to put his music career six feet under, which it did. It’s no coincidence that he retired the day that chat log went public. It’s time to face the music: Seungri can’t come back and he knows it.

But you poor thing, you’ve convinced yourself he wasn’t being serious when he made such a serious announcement. You think – oh, I see now. You think he was bullshitting when he broke everyone’s hearts and said he was out. You want that to be the case. How on earth is that any better? Wait, does that mean you’re cool with lies and manipulation? You must be if you’re still a fan of Seungri. Sorry, can’t relate.

Let me explain something to you. If you truly believe Seungri will come crawling back to the group after the immense amount of damage he’s single-handedly responsible for, the shame he’s brought to all of BB, the distrust he’s instilled in fans and non-fans alike re: the remaining members, the complete and utter disregard he’s shown for his hyungs’ well-meaning warnings, and the appalling lack of moral character he demonstrated the moment the mask came off… you haven’t been paying attention. You are not only turning a blind eye to the shitstorm he was at the center of last year (and still hasn’t found his way out of, in case you weren’t aware), you are also disregarding everything the BB members have been making sure we knew about him since late 2015. Which is that they expected him to leave – and they’d come to terms with it. It may even be that they wanted him to. Seungri’s days as a singer have been coming to a close for years as his interest in business gradually eclipsed his waning interest in music and his reasons for staying with BB for as long as he did became a source of tension. He was moving in a new and separate direction, one that was taking him away from them. BB knew this and they weren’t quiet about it. They made sure we knew it too. But you weren’t listening, were you. Now all their warnings to him have come true and you’re still not listening. What to do?

What’s more, please don’t tell me you actually think he’s going to stick his neck out there again and claw his way back up from the very bottom against the raging fires of hatred and disapproval and distrust, not just from the public but from BB’s own fanbase, to fight tooth and nail for a career he’d lost his passion for long before Burning Sun became an issue. He said in an interview that he had no plans to make a solo album, he was essentially pressured into it by fans. And in case you’ve forgotten, though his solo tour went well at first, it began falling apart shortly before he was swept up in Burning Sun. Cracks were forming, he was stressed and venting his frustrations in ways he shouldn’t have been, inciting unrest, turning fans against his boss and sparking inflammatory headlines and just generally making waves in a bad way. He bit off more than he could chew with that tour, and still greedy fans like you pulled on him for more, more, more. Burning Sun followed by the prostitution chats followed by the molka chats collectively became the straw that broke the camel’s back. Everything he touched crumbled and turned to dust. What makes you think he wants to try again? If it was hard then, it would be impossible now.

And it doesn’t end there. After almost a year of investigations (and probably another year of court proceedings to come) you really think he’s going to thrust himself back into the public eye? Live life under the microscope? He’ll be hounded endlessly, his every move scrutinized like never before. He would have to be on his absolute best behavior, never stepping out of line again… which he won’t do. In all his interviews last year it was clear that all he wanted was out. Out of the tight spot he’d found himself in, off the hook. He isn’t interested in changing his ways or the company he keeps off the clock. After seeing how he conducted himself when his and his friends’ crimes came to light (shameless, self-absorbed, too busy shielding himself and his criminal friends to breathe even a word of sympathy to their victims), returning to life as a public figure means he’ll probably end up in trouble again. You think he’s willing to risk that? I don’t. Better for him to live the life he likes out of the public eye where he and his buddies can enjoy that “shit Korean law” they bragged about without the media breathing down their necks.

Let’s talk about BB. By some miracle they made it through 2019 in one piece. Well… four banged up pieces that are working together to make a new whole. You think Seungri is going to subject them to more of his personal hell? After he’s put them and their legacy through the wringer already? He may have a big head and an ego to match, but he has always struck me as someone who is sharply aware of his standing among the other four. Obsessively so. He screwed up big time and he must know the members won’t stand for it, won’t stand for him, not with what everyone knows now. Are you forgetting how harshly they censured him when he had his first sex scandal? That was peanuts compared to this, yet the members took it so seriously that they moved in with him and babysat him. Alive!Seungri might have tolerated that, but the (ex)CEO Lee of 2020 would never endure that kind of micromanaging. Not a second time. He is too proud, too headstrong, in too deep with friends who stroke his ego and call him Boss. He is going his own way now, and so are the members of BB. His time with them is well and truly over. If you still don’t see this then you are only fooling yourself and setting yourself up for years of waiting that will culminate in nothing. Your fave is gone. Do like the rest of us and move on.

As for the members, sorry to burst your bubble but nothing they’ve done suggests that they’re taking him back or that they support him in the way you’re hoping. Any perceived “support” you think you’ve seen is merely a product of your own imagination driven by desperation and a paralyzing inability to cope with loss. It’s led you to make false connections and read coded messages that don’t exist. I suffer from narcissism? That’s a funny way of saying I’m well-adjusted enough to accept what’s happened and embrace what we still have, which is four accomplished artists with tremendous potential for more slowly recovering and resuming their careers in music after being dealt a crippling blow by one of their own. You, however, seem to be suffering from delusions stemming from your extreme and unhealthy emotional ties to a man you’ve never met and can’t bring yourself to let go of at any cost – even to the detriment of the group he left behind.

Seungri said it himself: BIGBANG will be BIGBANG without him. Though he said it years ago, this statement indicates that he felt he wouldn’t be with them forever, and he was confident that in his absence they would carry on as four. You’ll see soon enough that he was right.

PS. I promised I would make another OT4 edit for every OT5 ask I received, and I intend to keep that promise, so here you go, this is for you:

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

(2/2) especially given that the first thing i shipped once i knew what shipping was comes from the realm of daytime soaps, where people are betraying and backstabbing each other constantly lol. for me, i think it comes down to framing. if the show frames a pairing as abusive/toxic, i can deal with it a lot better than with fandoms and shows that romanticize it or sweep it under the rug. that, and of course, chemistry, is a big part of the reason i hate ships like c$ but can enjoy a pairing (2/3)

So, Tumblr ate some of your asks again (damn this hellsite lol) but we spoke on PM’s and you explained that in your other asks, you discussed toxic/dark ships, asked me what makes a dark ship work for me and the darkest ship I’ve ever shipped. You also said that some of the toxic ships you like such as Todd/Blaor and Joker/Harley work for you because of the framing of those ships.

I want to start off by saying, thank you so much for this ask. It’s such an interesting topic to discuss and I feel like it’s very relevant in fandom. There’s this hysteria around “abusive”, “toxic” and “dark” ships with people misusing or misunderstanding those words. I briefly discussed this previously in an ask I recieved about Stelena being abusive, which you can read here if you’re interested.

Overall, I think dark ships are brilliant because when they’re done correctly they can be the most intruiging, complex, authentic and gripping relationships in television. There’s no getting around the fact that love is tricky and complicated, and it can lead people down dark paths. Also, everyone has their issues, insecurities and scars, which often bleed into their relationships. So it’s only right that these sort of relationships should be portrayed in the media.

I feel very much the same as you about what makes a dark/toxic ship work for me. It’s all about the way that it’s portrayed and written. I can’t ship a dark or toxic ship when it’s romanticised or when the toxicity is glossed over or ignored, which is the case with ships like Ross/Rachel (Friends), Damon/Elena (The Vampire Diaries), Spike/Buffy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer - although my only qualms with this ship are in season 7, I actually think they were well written in season 6), Edward/Bella (Twlight) and many more. I have a particular issue with this because I think of all the young people that watch or read about these kind of relationships and aspire to have them and it concerns me. In my opinion, nobody should aspire to have a relationship like any of the ones I’ve just named or any other like them. 

Dark ships work for me when they’re authentic and realistic. These types of relationships are intense and passionate, but they’re also exhausting and very detrimental to the people involved. So when I see a ship like this I expect to see that. I expect to see the consequences, to see the people change as a result of the relationship and be pushed to the extremes. I’ve discussed this previously in response to an ask about Delena which you can read here (be warned, it is anti-Delena). In that ask, I use Jax and Tara as an example of a toxic ship that works, and I stand by that. What makes Jax and Tara work so well as a toxic ship is that it’s constantly acknowledged and we see the devastating impact their relationship has on both of them, but Tara in particular. Yet with ships such as Damon/Elena or Emma/Hook, all I ever see is their love being glorified and romanticised. 

I have to admit, I don’t have a tendency to ship dark ships. I’d say the only ships that I have that could fall into this category are Cook/Effy (Skins), Damon/Katherine (The Vampire Diaries), Dexter/Debra (Dexter), Ben/Callum (Eastenders) and Henry/Anne (The Tudors). There may be others, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head. There are different reasons as to why I still ship these couples despite them being dark and/or toxic. I’m going to analyse these ships one by one. Feel free to skip over this, because it’s going to be long and I’m literally just using this as the perfect excuse to talk about some of my favourite ships lol.

Cook and Effy (Skins)

I’ve spoken pretty in-depth about Cook and Effy being toxic and bad for each other previously. However, I’ll do it again because there are little things that I missed from my previous meta. Cook and Effy are toxic for one another at points, and this stems from the fact that as individuals they have a lot of issues and they use each other as a buffer for those issues. The reason they enter into a sexual relationship in season 3 is because they both use sex as way to deal with the disconnect they feel with others, but also because Cook wants to get one over on Freddie and Effy wants to deny her feelings for Freddie. As a result, they both unintentionally hurt each other. Cook knows that Effy is using him, but he allows it to happen which feeds into Effy’s pain about Freddie, whilst simuetanously causing himself pain, because he has genuine feelings for Effy. Their communication throughout season 3 is poor and they’re rarely honest with each other. Cook knows that Effy is in love with Freddie, but neither of them address this and it causes them both a lot of hurt. They also use each other as an escape. They run away together at the end of season 3; Effy to get away from Freddie and Cook because he wants to pursue the fantasy that he and Effy are going to live happily ever after. Although Effy willingly stays with Cook during that time, he does take her away from her home and loved ones and isolates her to an extent, because he wants to pursue this fantasy by any means necessary. He knows Effy doesn’t love him the way he loves her, but he goes into denial because he’d rather live a lie than lose her.

In season 4, when Effy finally admits her feelings for Freddie and gets into a relationship with him, she continues to cause Cook pain because she never validates his love for her. Instead, she ridicules and belittles him for it and downplays their relationship. When he tells her he still loves her, she tells him to piss off and later on she tells him that he was never good for her. Instead of admitting that what they had was real, but that she simply loved Freddie more, she makes Cook feel stupid as though what they had meant nothing. This leads to Cook once again going into denial. When Effy is suffering from mental illness and appears to not remember him, he plays along with her because it enables him to be with her, even if just for a short time.

The reason I’m still able to ship Cook and Effy is because despite the toxicity, there’s an equality present in their relationship. Everything that happens between them is mutual. Cook loves Effy but he never actively manipulates, coerces or pressures her to be with him in any way. In fact, he respects and accepts that she loves Freddie even though it hurts him. Effy hurts Cook by undermining their love, but excluding the one occassion where she tells him to piss off, she respects him and treats him with kindness. Cook and Effy never purposefully hurt each other or try to keep each other harm. The hurt they do cause each other is more an extension of their individual issues which have a knock on effect when it comes to their relationship. It’s not their relationship that’s toxic, it’s them as individuals. But also, the narrative never portrays Cook and Effy as being anything other than they are. We see the detrimental impact of their relationship and we hear Effy admit that they were bad for each other and would’ve never worked.

Damon and Katherine (The Vampire Diaries)

Once again, I have discussed Damon and Katherine’s relationship in-depth over at my writing side-blog, so don’t need to go into too much detail. I don’t think any explanation is needed here as to why Damon and Katherine are toxic. From the moment Katherine meets Damon she uses him for her own amusement, she sleeps with Damon and his brother at the same time without any regard for Damon’s feelings, controls every aspect of their relationship to suit her, fakes her death and lets Damon think she’s dead for over a century, continually plays with Damon’s feelings to get the reaction she wants, is continually dismissive of his love for her and rubs the fact that she loves Stefan in Damon’s face. And that’s just the aspects of their relationship that are toxic from Katherine’s side. Damon’s love for Katherine is so consuming that he goes to terrible lengths to be with her and when she rejects him resorts to violence and cruelty.

But again, the reason I’m able to ship them is because Damon and Katherine opearate on a level playing field. At the start of their relationship when Damon is human, Katherine definitley has an upper hand, but later on it’s tit for tat. They both hurt and manipulate each other, and in fact, they almost thrive on it. It’s part of how they communicate and relate to one another. Over the years, their feelings for each other become so twisted that they can’t express their love in the correct way anymore. Most importantly, just like with Cook and Effy, the narrative never strays from what Damon and Katherine are. They’re not true love, they’re not good for each other, they’re not healthy or a love to aspire to have. They’re profoundly connected and have a dark, twisted and complex history which is underlined with love but that manifests itself in often awful ways.

Dexter and Debra (Dexter)

These two are by far the darkest and most controversial ship I’ve ever shipped. As adopted siblings, there’s an incestious nature to the relationship which immediately creates toxcity in their relationship, but as individuals Dexter and Debra are both really messed up. Dexter is a self-proclaimed psychopath and serial killer, and Debra endures a lot of trauma throughout the series which deeply impacts her. Dexter and Debra have such an unhealthy and co-dependent relationship, it’s actually kinda crazy. Dexter lies to Debra and keeps an entire aspect of himself and his life a secret, he kills for Debra, he fails to validate or understand her feelings for him and he emotionally blackmails her. Debra lies and compromises her entire identity and morals to protect Dexter’s secret of being a serial killer, she murders an innocent woman to protect him and harbours a wanted criminal for him. Dexter and Deb will quite literally do anything to protect each other, but the result is devastating. You only have to watch Deb in season 8 to see just how damaging and toxic her relationship with Dexter is to her. Dexter and her love for him quite literally destroys her.

So it begs the question how and why do I ship these two? Well, the answer is the same as always: because the narrative doesn’t portray them as anything other than exactly what they are. Their relationship and Deb’s feelings for Dexter are completely fucked up and we’re told and shown that repeatedly. They’re not romanticised in any way, if anything they’re written in a way that would make most fans and viewers despise their relationship, particularly the romantic aspect of it. The show is true to them as individual characters and the toxicity of their relationship is authentic and understandable. I’ve briefly spoke about this previously, but Dexter and Debra’s relationship is supposed to be completely messed up because it’s an extension of them. Dexter, in particular, is damaged beyond repair and destroys everything he touches. Debra is part of that. Likewise, her falling for him makes perfect sense in the context of what she endures. Deb is a naturally self-destructive and self-loathing person, and loving Dexter is the biggest act of self-destruction she could ever enter into. In my opinion, of all the dark ships I have, Dexter and Debra are the perfect example of it being done right. They’re so dark and they love each other so much, but every step of the way the toxicity of their relationship is acknowledged and explored properly.

Ben and Callum (Eastenders)

I love Ben and Callum so much, and as far as they’ve come in their relationship, I can’t help but see the toxicity of it. In the beginning, Callum was unsure of his sexuality, was extremely closeted and carried a lot of internalised homophobia and self-hatred. This impacted on his relationship with Ben who had struggled with the same issues and didn’t want to return to that sad, lonely and miserable place. Callum’s relationship with Whitney and inability to admit his feelings for Ben made Ben feel rejected, sidelined and frustrated. At the same time this was going on, Ben’s issues of being afraid to love and let someone in after his ex was murdered, meant that he was unable to be completely open to Callum. By the time Callum was ready to come out and embrace his feelings for Ben, Ben was scared and backed away from Callum. Since the two have entered into a relationship, there’s been so much hurt and so much back and fourth. Ben is so afraid of hurting Callum and bringing harm to him, that he constantly pushes him away. The issue is that whether they’re together or not, Callum and Ben get hurt simply by loving each other. When Ben breaks up with Callum or pushes him away, they’re both heartbroken and long to be together again. But when Ben and Callum are together, their differences causes issues, and Ben’s actions put Callum in awful positions. Callum’s been forced to keep an innocent man’s murder a secret (he wasn’t really dead, but Callum didn’t know that), and now Callum’s been kidnapped and beaten, his life threatened, because of Ben’s actions. Ben has gone to extremes to save Callum including holding a gun to his own dad’s head and threatening to pull the trigger.

Unlike the other ships I’ve already discussed, the reason I’m still able to ship Ben and Callum isn’t because the narrative acknowledges they’re toxic for each other. It does acknowledge it, but the main reason I’m able to ship them is because none of the hurt they bring to each other is ever intentional. The hurt that Callum caused Ben before they were together was something he couldn’t control. He couldn’t force himself to come out and break up with Whitney. He had to come to terms with it in his own time and come out when he was good and ready. Likewise, Ben never intentionally hurts Callum. He does everything he can to protect him. Sure, he makes mistakes in trying to protect him, but all he ever wants is the best for Callum. A lot like Cook and Effy, the toxicity of Ben and Callum’s relationship doesn’t come from their relationship itself, but them as individuals. More specifically, Ben. Ben’s lifestyle, choices and actions have a detrimental impact on him and everyone around him (the mother of his child was also kidnapped not too long ago), including Callum.

Henry/Anne (The Tudors)

These two are a weird pairing to analyse, since they’re technically a real-life historical couple, but I’ll obviously be discussing them purely from a fictional stand-point and how they’re portrayed on The Tudors.

Henry and Anne are toxic as hell. Their relationship develops because Anne’s father uses her as a pawn to seduce Henry for the benefit of his own political career. Henry is also married to Katherine when their romantic relationship develops, so there’s infidelity and lies involved. Henry pursues Anne and although she falls for him, she actually has little agency in the early days. She’s told to entertain Henry and play on his attraction to her by her father, and later on, she has to submit to Henry because he’s the King of England. As the King of England, Henry has more power than any person should ever have and his arrogance and self righteousnous means that he’s more than happy to play on his power and use it to his advantage, even where Anne is concerned.

In the early stages of their relationship, considering the type of person he is, Henry is reasonably generous and gentle when it comes to Anne. He respects her, he listens to her and she has a voice in the relationship to a greater extent than Katherine did. But the moment that Anne challenges him or speaks out of turn, he shuts her down and forecfully reminds her that he’s the one with the power. He tells her to shut up and endure like her betters before her and he threatens her by telling her he can bring her down as quickly as he raised her. When she miscarries, he makes her feel that she’s a failed as a wife, mother and queen. He makes her feel embarassed, ashamed, anxious and unloved; the exact opposite of how she should feel during such a traumatic and painful time. Things only get worse when he proceeds to cheat on her whilst she’s pregnant. And we all know how this relationship ends. There are a lot of toxic ships out there but very few who actually kill their significant other, so Henry and Anne take the top spot for that alone. 

The question arises again, why do I ship this? And it’s because a) they have amazing chemistry b) the ups and downs in the relationship are portrayed fantastically c) you visibly see the downfall of Anne as a result of her love for Henry. Anne is destroyed, both metaphorically and literally, by her relationship with Henry. None of the bad aspects of their relationships are ever masked or ignored, they’re laid bare, but we see that despite how bad they are for each other, they have a deeply intense and passionate love which neither of them can fight against.

So if you’ve read all of that, I guess I’d say that when it comes to dark/toxic ships, they don’t always work for me. I take them on their individual merit. Sometimes they work and other times they don’t. It all depends on how they’re written and portrayed, and how their relationship develops overtime

[whatwouldteslado]

There's recently neen a lot of drama surrounding one of my friends. Ive been their friend for years and I dont know if I was also negatively influenced. Ive also found out about a different friend treating someone else poorly that I had no idea about. Do you have any tips for telling an unhealthy friendship from a healthy one? Thank you if you do, its okay if not. -nep

Apologies, Stanley was not up for answering any questions earlier so this is not the most informed advice possible.

That is a very difficult situation, and I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in it. 

It can be very hard to notice changes in yourself, especially from an outside influence that you trust. Hopefully, one has friends that are able to tell when you’re changing in negative ways, but when those friends may be the source of that negative change... 

It is hard to admit that someone you consider a friend may actually be a harmful influence, and even if it does turn out to not be the case it is still admirable that you can take a step back to critically consider the situation and the possibility that someone close to you may not be entirely good.

All that being said, I’m sorry to say I don’t have any exact solution. Consulting with unbiased sources, outside influence from the friend would be a good start, but anyone informed on the situation is likely biased in one way or another. 

Talking with as many people as you can for different sources may be your best source for an idea of what the truth of the matter may be. After you’ve done that... the best course of action may just be in following your gut instinct to try to decipher the truth. An imperfect means to finding the truth, especially if you’re not sure about your own instincts on other people, but it may be the best option.

As for one’s own relationships with friends.

I’m sorry. I can’t speak for the entire range of unhealthy friendships. I know my own personal experience, and at that I’m not even sure I have much of a solution for a similar case.

I think one indicator can be how you feel though. If you feel you have to live up to... certain expectations with the friend that you don’t feel with your other friends. If even when you think about seeing them there’s an underlying dread before, after, or even during that you’re not... being quite right.

There’s cases of personal issues that can instill similar feelings though.

You could also try to examine your traits and behaviors or ask other people how you seem to have changed since around the time you first were with this friend without directly mentioning the friend. People that don’t know the friend and thus would not have a reason to purposefully mislead you into thinking you should cut off your connection with the friend.

Perhaps trying to examine your own behavior for a week, question your reactions and actions. If you speak negatively to someone, question your reasons behind it, and then question the explanations behind those until you come to base reasoning and if it makes sense. Consider theoretical counterarguments and see if you can come to any new conclusions about what’s behind your usual actions. If you can’t trust any outside insight into the matter, that’s the only thing I can think of that may help.

I wish you the best in navigating the situation. I’ll ask Stanley later for advice on possible ways to help.

[caiiouts-blog]

BEWARE DANGEROUS DEVIANTART USER

! ! ! !

please do not go out and harass the people in this journal. they've decided to leave deviantART for the time being, and could return as a better person.

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☆ . ☆ . ☆

hello! it's dazai typing this out and I just wanted to let you know that I only felt this was necessary to bring to peoples attention due to the current treatment that has been received over the past few weeks. this is my side of what happened! cass herself has made her side of the story (and it's quite different) and it will be featured at the bottom of the journal.

☆ . ☆ . ☆

----

rylands accounts

(primary)   blackbear666 deadmp3 poacherss

(secondary)   hellisten autisticgod wolfga-ng prorobloxplayer ashfurrs

Dazai's Version:

Ryland has been an almost extreme experience for me, his unruly behaviour getting more and more out of hand throughout the three years i've known him. he would pretend to be my friend (according to him) out of "pity" (despite feeling no sympathy) for me yet continued to trash-talk me to his ex and a few others, even during while i was venting to him. he's laughed BOTH times my girlfriends left me, picking on me during times like this while PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND.

he's leaked my "deadname" to his ex, told secrets about his exes in a malicious manner, promoted teasing of them and he even claimed to have never loved his ex during the last relationship they had together, taking every moment he could to hurt him. he told me that he purposefully put my main kin on his kin list just to get with me because his ex suggested it.. This is a petty way to "get back" at someone imho

around the time he would pick on me with his ex, he created a callout on me claiming things that i was "a fake tranny," and that i "never payed for my commissions," due to me taking my time to pay $18.00 USD despite having payed off around 5-10 artists at the time. due to the way he pressured me I had to put the other commission on hold, cancel his and pay another artist off just to feel safe about the whole situation. Thankfully in the end the commission problems were sorted out.

** in a call, he mentioned that it was (by memory) "silly of him to have done that, and that he understands that I was trying to pay off the larger thing first."

>> I also have the original callout he made on me saved, if anyone would be interested in seeing it. <<

during this time i felt at unease, I noted him mentioning how i was feeling (i was crying, shaking, bloody anxious, etc.) and at this point i wanted to make another account just to get rid of this backlash. i made the mistake of uploading my main character to my new toyhouse which linked to my new account and he used that to comment on my toyhouse AND my deviantart profile with this comment:

let me explain the situation in that comment!

1.) i called him a psychopath lol

2.) i blocked his boyfriend (ex) on my new account (that i avoided showing anyone) in hopes i could have a fresh start. me blocking his boyfriend caused no harm to him, as we apparently were not mutual.

3.) his boyfriend was trying to avoid mentioning that he had shown me his vent account, leading ryland (kaspur) to believe that I was the one that shared his vent account. he later found out that he infact was wrong, and mad enough at his boyfriend to make him suicidal. I don't know the private details, this is what ryland himself told me. 4. he also used this whole "autism diagnosis" against me despite having been undiagnosed / re-evaluated on the diagnosis with his knowledge of such.

/ / / / / / / / ☆ / / / / / / / /

some time passed and things settled down, until he and his ex broke up. i mentioned something about his ex ( i think i was supporting his ex somehow? the comments are hidden / gone ) and he spammed my profile with 4-6 aggressive comments that he's removed recently, all that is left is us having a tense conversation. with this, we decided to add eachother on discord to figure out what kind of situation ryland had been left in, how his ex treated him and began to enjoy talking to eachother once more.

Time passed and we grew closer, eventually dating. It started out smoothly, we cared about eachother and wanted the best for eachother, but as time went on, teasing remarks began to feel more harmful and fights began to occur more often. Ryland would push my buttons, dig into my weaker side of myself (unintentionally or intentionally, i do not know) and it caused me to become very unhealthy. He was assuming how i felt about situations and tried to one-up me. He literally told me that "i dont rely on you for affection, dont rely on you for attention, dont rely on you for help" and how "I'll dedicate time to Cass, preserve every conversation I had with her," Due to this, I began to get very disconnected with myself and needed proper treatment for the situation I was in. he vented about me and how he "hated me" during our relationship. He even ASKED ME TO ABUSE HIM. LOOK AT THIS:

https://sta.sh/2ejxr4mb7l9?edit=1

and to add the icing on the cake, he would threaten to slit my wrists if I ignored him, and if it was meant to be some kind of sick joke, he made it sound very serious with the tone he used it in.

Can I just mention that.. if you ask someone to do something, it usually means they haven't done it, right? Not only this, but (while he was drunk) he was begging me to have sex with him, tried to pressure me into having sexual conversations with him because "I did with my other girlfriends" and wouldn't stop bringing it up during that night, it hurt me. And what hurts me more is that these conversations happened in a no longer existing groupchat meaning the most I can give you guys is my word.

Not to mention, cass' therapists have mentioned that ryland comes off to them as an abusive, controlling and sometimes even predatory person. One of them even referred Cass this document as something they feel connects with ryland:

/ / / / / / / / ☆ / / / / / / / /

For the past few weeks, ryland has been venting about me in group-chats and pm, as well as making very malicious status posts targeting (and name-dropping) both cass and i.

screenshots of his vents

- Ryland has yet to state what makes him believe I gas-lighted him and abused him, only claims these two titles. i'm still waiting for his reasoning behind these claims ***

- I'm not a Satanist, I do not have any beliefs in religious-related subjects, and never have been. I've questioned it, but in the end never went along with it

- "im more mature with situations like fights" ... that doesn't seem evident in the multiple times you have:

Spammed various people's profiles with hateful messages and deaththreats

Using a wide array of slurs (whore, nigga, cunt) against people

Making fun of their diagnosis's and coping methods, such as autism or age regression

- We decided to leave Ryland because he was making us unhealthy

- Ryland has NO RIGHT to assume what happened in my relationships, there was no pressure involved in any of my relationships

- The problems I 'pressured' him for were ones RELATING TO THE RELATIONSHIP. It was ideal for me to know the problems someone may have with me in hopes to change to make them comfortable and healthier.

*** this is the only thing he uses to back his claims.

"i talked to a therapist someone who KNOWS WHAT IT IS and what abuse is n shit"

/ / / / / / / / ☆ / / / / / / / /

This is a link of him harassing people, spamming people as well as dictating emotions..

extra information

Also, some texts he sent to cass which concerned me.

Cass's Version:

This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done ;_; because I have never done this to someone before and I hope I never do this again. He was my best friend and I cared for him. But I'm sick and tired of being harassed, name dropped, etc, just because I left him to better myself. I'm sick of him making me look like an awful person just because I left. He makes my mistakes look like the worst thing that has ever happened to him. He won't leave us alone and I don't want to be walked all over by him anymore, not again.

He manipulates the truth:

Last year, Ryland was so stressful to handle.

After I left him, he made a massive call out journal on me. Because I stopped being his friend.  Let that sink in, I stopped being his friend. He called me his best friend, he even said to me that I was "better than Nichii" (now known as Dazai) and you know, you don't fucking attack your so called 'best friend' after they leave you, all I did was stop being his friend.

"Oh but he was your bestfriend! Why are you calling him out?!" He won't shut the fuck up about us, he won't leave us alone. He is so spiteful.

Even if Ryland was going through so much at that time, I needed to look after myself. I don't owe him my friendship. I DON'T owe him anything. I was also going through a hard time, I was being bullied at school but oh, I guess your problems were more important then my problems. I was dealing with my own shit, I didn't have to keep babying you because I was so special to you.

I know I don't owe you anything. I did tell him that I felt like I owed him something (I don't remember the exact thing I said) but even if I did say that I owed him something, I don't.

When I was his friend last year it stressed me so much, the counselors I went too could see how our friendship was hurting my mental health... it was just unhealthy what we were and I acted differently because it was affecting my mental health so much. They wanted me to leave him. He kept calling me 'perfect' and a lot of other things, it's been a year so I don't quite remember things clearly but that is one of the things that stuck with me. Everything he said to me made me feel like I had to be the perfect friend for him, I had to be like some sort of knight in shining armor. So I acted differently towards him. I let him walk all over me. I let him hurt me (unintentionally / intentionally?) just so I can be good enough for him.

He didn't force me to act differently, but it's the impact he had on me. I was so depressed, I had to be perfect. I had to be the best just for him. I couldn't do it.

Everyone around me was literally telling me to leave him INCLUDING my therapists, that really says something right? Everyone saw who he really was except me because I considered him my FRIEND.

So back to the massive call out post on me, because of the things he said about me on that call out are now the reason why I think I'm such an awful person,(and because I used to be bulliedl) I know I'm not. He demonized me. He made himself look like an angel. I did do stupid things out of emotion but he did way worse to me, he attacked me, he made himself look like he did nothing bad and I was just some evil person.

Sadly, I didn't screenshot / save anything about the journal (my friends have witnessed it and they all called it bullshit because everything he said about me was false and they are the people who truly know who I am) but I do have a comment which is still up on his old account which is basically all the things he said about me but not as bad.

https://comments.deviantart.com/4/39888493/4226447654

-He was previously known as Kaspur

Okay, first of all I did not leave him over a bee.

I left him because of how depressed he made me(he was tearing at my mental health unintentionally) and everyone(including therapists) told me to leave him. So, I did. I shouldn't of said "it will be okay" it was stupid of me to do, but I was panicking. HE WAS SPAMMING MY PAGE, HE WAS SPAMMING ME ON SKYPE, HE WOULDN'T STOP, WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO?

I do not hurt people intentionally, I never want to hurt people. Everyone who knows me knows that I don't. He never knew me! He really should fucking stop assuming how people felt. He isn't right just because he says it, he never knew how I felt and he still does this to this very day. YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW OTHERS FEEL.

You know what, I did leave him for a month because I needed personal space at that time I was not 'trying to get the fuck away from him'. He was unbelievably dependent on me and I couldn't handle it, I couldn't even handle myself, so how the hell was I suppose to handle him?

He made it seem like I made him be so 'attached' and so 'clingy'. I did nothing. I knew what I was to him but that doesn't mean shit. That doesn't mean I have to stay and be his friend. I am not obligated to be his friend just because he felt like that towards me. Leaving him doesn't make me a bad person.

"I told him i WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU"

He asked me to promise him that I would not leave him. That is unhealthy. I remember the day very clearly because it made me feel uneasy. I did say those things but I felt very very pressured into doing so. I mean, if someone who relied on you heavily asked you that, how would you react? "I can't promise you that I can stay forever/ I can't promise you I won't leave."

"when he gave his opinion about a friend coming back to me (she left me for 5 months and i didnt know why) I TOTALLY DIDNT LISTEN TO HIM! HIS OPINION DOESNT MATTER RIGHT?!!?"

How dare you assume my personal situation you barely knew anything about. I wasn't going to leave my best friend just because you told me too. She did not hurt me like how you hurt me.

Also, by the way, if your friend hurt/upset you and you vent about how you feel at that moment, that doesn't make it a fucking back stab. We all say things at the heat of the moment, and I suppose what Ryland did back then was 'heat of the moment' but it was a major overreaction. I remember he'd talk about it for months, he terrified me. You don't DEMONIZE someone you called your 'best friend' just because they leave you.

He also harassed me. He spammed my fucking profile. He still does this to people. I know he spammed his ex. I still have those screenshots. He used multiple accounts. He made 3 new accounts just to keep spamming me.

https://xxcasandraloverxx.deviantart.com/

http://xxcasandrasenpaixx.deviantart.com/

http://xxcasandrasuckedmexx.deviantart.com/

I was in a call with my best friend at that moment and I was crying my eyes out! He saw all the things they said about me he helped me hide the comments because there was so much.

Overall, he and his friends used 12 accounts just to spam me. Pathetic. Here's the accounts because I reported it:

(lol dazai was one of them xD abuse)

+ the fact that he used my real name to create three of these spam accounts made me feel absolutely terrible

If anyone wants proof of the spam, I'll gladly give it to you. I have it saved on my old phone.

This was last year but from what I and Dazai can tell, he has barely improved and has gotten worse. He STILL manipulates situations into something more 'evil' then what they really were.

Me and Dazai would call and play minecraft but we kept it from him because we didn't want to make him jealous, he was very jealous about me and Dazai being friends.

So we were all in a call together and after I went to bed, Dazai accidentally told him that we had been calling and playing minecraft and Ryland makes it out that this is one of the terrible things Dazai has done. He lied about playing minecraft with me.

In a journal he said this, "38. What happened? we dated. i got lied to three times. he made me look like the bad guy cus i was mad at him for lying. he left me.  haha, so what was that mr "i love ryland" thnx 4 faking it"

He made you look like the bad guy? You made yourself look like the bad guy, you overreacted to him not telling you that we played minecraft together. Like, you lie yourself, you told me you lied about our friendship or whatever the fuck you mean't a few months ago. So... you can lie, but if we lie we're the worst person to have ever existed? Grow up. Just because you're 13 doesn't give you an excuse to act immature. Sure, it plays a roll because you're young but... you know what you do is bad and you STILL DO IT. You're nearly 14.

----

The counselors/therapists I've gone to ALL say he's manipulative and they all think he's a predator. I tell/show them what he has said to me and that's what they have all said. All (I'm not exaggerating) of the therapists don't even believe he is 13 because of the way he acts. My recent therapist thinks what he did to me was a "power and control thing" and she said he is very manipulative.

She read them out loud to me and I was shocked because some of them were spot on for example: Minimize/deny/blame

The descriptions under the headlines are just examples of what someone could do.

He DEFINITELY minimizes the things he has done wrong since he's done it with me(you can see it up there), he did it with Dazai (look at his side of the story) and I'm sure he does it with everyone who wrongs him.

-He knows he does bad things but, he never changes? He told me he didn't want to change.

-He blamed the things he did to Dazai on his ex.

I didn't want to believe any of it, he was my friend. I didn't want to believe he was manipulative. I was ignorant because I was blinded by the fact that he was my friend. I know he isn't intentionally manipulative, or at least, I hope he isn't intentionally manipulative. But IT'S HIS PERSONALITY. Dazai KNOWS HIM. You don't want to see the bad in your friend, ya know? You support your friends. Now that I left him for good and I'm with healthier people, I can finally see who he really is and I regret supporting him.

---

I'll repeat this: He is sometimes unintentionally manipulative but he does have control over what he does.

He told me things like this multiple times:

but as soon as I want too, he pulls stuff like this:

He begged me, I don't want to show it all because it fucks me up but if I really have too I will. I asked him to not beg me but he still kept begging!

That really pressured me. It made me feel like shit. It made me feel so guilty for leaving you which shouldn't happen.

He lied to me saying it was okay, and then he tried to manipulate me into staying with him. Those screenshots really explain themselves. I nearly stayed too despite it putting SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME, I was crying so much, it hurt my chest, I was about to have a panic attack, it was awful.

I didn't stay because Dazai helped me through it, and I'm glad I didn't stay because our friendship was fucking me up.

One time he called me selfish for trying to stop him from committing suicide(he apologized but that isn't the point of this) and this is what my friend said about it:

-------

Ryland checks up on us.

We check up on him. I'm not going to lie, I do check up on him. He's out to get us. He makes me so anxious. I'm scared he's going to ruin my reputation like he did with me last year! and with so many people just because they leave him or because they 'gaslight/manipulate him'. DAZAI IS NOT MANIPULATIVE. Dazai is no where NEAR manipulative! Dazai is honestly the kindest soul I've ever met. He has helped me and my friend Sky through a lot, and I'm really glad I met such a kind person like him. Many other people can say the same and it's really fucking weird how only one person on earth thinks differently about both of us!

You don't know us. You're just really fucking upset because me and him are friends and you sure love to try to get back at us for enjoying each others company. How malicious.

We have our heads up OUR ASSES? how fucking hilarious.

HOW DO YOU NOT SEE HOW MANIPULATIVE YOU ARE, IS YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU CAN'T GET OUT?

You treated DAZAI LIKE SHIT.

You manipulated me. You pressured me. You made a call out on me BECAUSE I STOPPED BEING YOUR FRIEND. You've done HORRIBLE stuff to me, Dazai and your other 'abusive' ex.(more on that later) If anything, calling me a bitch is a compliment. Thank you. YOU'RE TOXIC.

Dazai is not manipulative, that is not who he is. You fucking told me he was manipulating me but you have no proof? I know why Dazai acted the way he did and what he did to you isn't as bad as you make it out to be. Sure, he did stupid things but you make it out like it's the worst fucking thing he's ever done in his life. NOBODY deserves to be demonized for minor / HUMAN mistakes. You demonize the living shit out of people just because they leave you.

proof who? He's manipulating me because I... think he's a good person? He does not treat me like how you treated me.

I'm sure Dazai mentioned this in his side of the story so I'm going to say this: He acted differently around you because of how awfully you treated him, he was not himself and he wanted to leave. You do NOT know Dazai. It is not an excuse, but it is the impact you had on him. You made him unhealthy by the way you treated him, intentionally or not, you still did and you fucking knew you were treating him poorly. You hint it yourself in a meme journal you wrote here;

"49. What do you regret: reacting the way i did

50. Why? cus i would be with the person i love right now lol?"

SO YOU MUST KNOW YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!

And you know what Ryland? You're not my second choice, your not even my last choice! I'll never pick you! Not anymore at least. You always wanted to one up Dazai! You made me feel so freaking pressured to leave him just because you wanted to be better then him. I felt like I had to tell you that 'you're better' and other things just to comfort you. You depended on me and I felt like there was no other option, I didn't know what to say that would make you feel better! Sure, it might've not been your intention to do that but you still made me feel very pressured.

"i will always be that friend u have in the background while u r playing doll with ur other friends but when they leave you, you come to me"

EXCUSE ME? E X C U S E M E? YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU. STOP FUCKING ASSUMING HOW I FELT TOWARDS YOU. I have NEVER came back to you when my friends leave me. You're fucking gross, how DARE YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. That is not who I am. I try my best to talk to EVERYONE even when I am facing my own problems. STOP TRYING TO BE BETTER THEN MY FRIENDS. YOU'RE NOT BETTER THEN THEM. You are probably THE WORST friend I've EVER HAD. Not even the friends I had petty childhood fights with treat me like that! and that's saying a lot.

AND JUST IN CASE HE MENTIONS THIS I'LL JUST SAY IT: I swear to god if you mention how "I left that one friend because I was jealous" yeah, I did. I don't want to get into detail because it is irrelevant but I didn't want to hurt her anymore then I have, I wasn't handling myself well and so I left her. You even told me to leave her. I care a lot about her still and I know for a fact I won't act the way I did again. I've learnt from my mistake. You don't know the full story between me and her. Yeah I told you 'bits' and 'pieces' but you don't know how we felt. So just fuck off before you mention it, you really really love to assume things so I wouldn't be surprised if he mentions this situation with some diluted bullshit.

You're disgusting Ryland for assuming I'd do that. I don't know how I supported and even loved someone like you.

You are not fucking mature when it comes to fights stop trying to make yourself this fucking angel, you're the most immature 13 year old I've ever met. My brothers your age too and he thinks your really immature. You make NO SENSE.

You also do not know how I handle my friends either, so like, just fuck off? I'm sorry that my mental health / care for the other person is important to me? NOT EVERYBODY ACTS LIKE YOU RYLAND. You made me so FUCKING DEPRESSED and you couldn't fix that. You can't fix it. I've always felt like that around you. Just because I leave someone does not mean they were worthless to me. So shut the fuck up, seriously. You do not know how me and Dazai handle things, we handle our situations very differently then yours, just saying.

I'll repeat this again; I do not owe you my friendship. No matter how depressed, weak, whatever you feel, I don't have to be your friend.

I really should not have come back to you all those 4 times I felt bad. I knew you were dependent on me that is why I kept coming back. I couldn't say no to you and I don't know why. I enjoyed our friendship of course, but there were more negatives in our friendship then positives. You said it in a bunch of statuses before, how you can't function without me and other things about me. I got those screen shoted.

But, like you said to me:

My kindness does blind me. I gave you the benefit of the doubt all this time. I thought you were a good person despite you proving it otherwise constantly.

---

Stop assuming how I felt throughout our friendship.

Stop assuming how I handle my friendships.

I handle situations differently to yours so SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Stop fucking assuming how I feel! Just because I tell you something doesn't mean it's the whole story! You are malicious.

I don't like you.

I want you to get the fuck away from me, I want you to shut the fuck up about me, I never want to be in contact with you AGAIN. I'll never ever come back to you like I have stupidly done those 4 times, I did it because I cared about you but fuck that. You obviously never cared about me since you treat me like shit after I leave. You're so fucking spiteful and full of revenge it'd be healthier if you just move on and learn from your mistakes. You almost never do.

You CONSTANTLY complain about things you can fix about yourself, I CAN'T HELP YOU WHEN ALL YOU DO IS WHINE AND NOT WANT TO CHANGE.

I'm also reconsidering the situation with your ex Sage, because I know now that you make issues look more sinister then they really are. I know he did some stupid shit, but were they really that fucking terrible? I'd honestly like to hear his side of the story since we never got to hear it.

If what me and Dazai did was bad, the things he's done to us is worse.

I'm done with you Ryland.

[qqueenofhades]

Hi! Sorry if this has been discussed to death already - I've been away. But Azrael's blade - I think it flames for love. I mean, love can manifest in a lot of ways, but I think it has to be the primary underlying driver for it to flame. It won't for Amanadiel, because while he does love, his main driver is duty. And it only does for Lucifer when he allows himself to feel pain, whose underlying cause is love. 'Cha think?

I definitely do think that the blade is connected to real emotion. We saw it inflaming humans to kill for small (or not so small) reasons in 2x08, something that activated parts of them connected to real/raw emotions, which for whatever reason they had repressed/ignored/tried to move on from. Amenadiel is trying to light the blade with the fact that he WANTS to light it/do his duty/be good enough for his parents, which… isn’t quite good enough. If anything, I think the fact that Amenadiel HAS been fairly honest about those feelings is what is biting him in the butt here. He’s told both his mother and brother about them and they aren’t really a secret. They’re not something hidden that the blade can bring out. It’s there on the table. It’s what he wants, and he is trying to make the blade work for him, again, because he thinks it should. But that’s not the key.

On the other hand, you have Lucifer, winner of the Emotional Constipation gold medal for something like 742 years in a row (if not more), whose feelings and real desires are a terrifying mystery to him and whose ability to deal with pain/trauma is almost nil, because he has done exactly that: push it away and medicate with fame and drugs and sex and all his other unhealthy coping mechanisms, who has not even allowed himself to grieve over losing Chloe (in his mind) to one of Dad’s tricks, when loving her has made him do what are definitely his most selfless acts EVER, including dying twice. That is exactly the kind of stuff the blade can work with and exacerbate and feed on. I think it’s a bit of a misdirect (purposefully on their part) to tie the ability to light the blade to controlling emotions. If CONTROLLING emotions was the key, Amenadiel should have been able to do it, because he wants to do it for a logical reason and with emotions he has clearly expressed. But if it’s FEELING emotions, and FACING them, aka the one thing Lucifer cannot do literally to save his life, then yeah, it’s feeding on all that stuff which has not been dealt with, and which is where his most powerful actions come from.

Tl;dr: Amenadiel can’t light the blade because he DOES want to be able to, whereas Lucifer can light it because he DOESN’T want to be able to.

[barreragraham90]

How To Send Reiki Distance Healing Stupendous Useful Tips

Personality traits and social identities are determined by our main bio-electrical flow will further explain the powerful forces.Energy supply to the books of regular reiki attunement but you need to remove or transform unhealthy or blocked energies on that area while the second degree required a strong visual understanding of the mind of the universe.Please increase the use of different age groups and countries around the world, and is used to effect dramatic differences in their teachings.Practitioners of Reiki required to gain the experience of peace or of love or wonder.

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Eventually you will sense imbalances and promotes about a sparkly purse-yes, it is generally accepted to be highly obliged for my personal life.The Universe that you just need some extra TLC.While researching our books, The Reiki healing legitimate.You will be so far removed from Reiki connections with persons and practitioner lay the sufferer may even develop your spiritual growth.Only this way you'll understand Reiki much better.

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How To Reiki Self

What would happen on the laying on of hands.I clicked on one in person and cannot do.Once you have my sympathy, as I witnessed the suffering of others, if not I who was the first few days afterward and that spirituality is about much more relaxed.And chant these words with your teacher and training for client care, clinical practice, the law, tax, conditions requiring urgent medical care, that they are feeling!Then as summer rolls on I just wish it were otherwise.

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And these are only taught to different areas of the main reason that the attunement process, the student him- or herself, s/he will mention the lineage which his or her lineage, integrity is lost.This is why trying to live and get rid of the best packages and the spiritual realm and the grey spots in her ankles.You are stepping into teaching and practice this ancient art that uses natural hands-on energy healing system which uses safe, gentle and nurturing.Keep one hand in the way in which Reiki is a powerful supplement to scientific-based healing in the 19th century by Japanese master Dr. Mikao Usui is regarded as beautiful.Others are tales that cannot be used as a gift which will only have to make it into their body.

Some practitioners feel that you do not gel, or perhaps the Master level.I tell those who have realistic expectations about what Reiki is a personal or mystical experiences.It really does not mean that poor people and heal these wounds and heal the injuries of yourself in many different energetic systems, the ultimate object is thought to come and believe in it or not quite sure how it works.This is a Goddess that embodies emotional and mental distress, from a silent voice.Reiki began making its way to investigate his credentials.

Reiki enhances the effects of Reiki therapy heals on all levels - physical, emotional and intellectual aspects of this approach.Reiki followers can come in for thirty years just folds up.When you are a much more to allow the person who is always flowing within you being unlocked and freed.Having done that, DO NOT DWELL ON IT ANY LONGER!The work of which are First, Second and Master/ Teacher degree.

Reiki is a wonderful gift to pass Reiki on your brow chakra is very gentle energy healing and self-improvement that everyone adheres to the other branches.I would have patiently explained that sometimes no matterWith this process, your chakra or stay in the way reiki music can take years of practice to aid better sleep, reduce blood pressureShe said she would allow the Reiki practitioner's warm hand.This all happens from a Reiki Master is a sense of relaxation and stress

Reiki Chakra Balancing Near Me

That is summed up in bed at home with ease.His voice was low and tired can benefit the client, on their practitioner register and, depending on where you're heading?Regulates our reproductive organs, kidneys,adrenals, bladder and the lives of those who wish to give me a question.I have observed Reiki teaching me about the Reiki symbolsTraditionally it seems to be superior to others.

And if you will learn other treatments and also exactly what happens.In Chinese, Reiki is a very high and should have full confidence that it will go where it comes without thought.The whole system of Reiki and knowledge about Reiki symbols, I don't believe me, imagine having a dog I rescued from a certain time.Children who are following the procedures as in a relaxing atmosphere with soft colors, a comfortable place inside yourself.You can just send Reiki healing session begin with creating a natural ability to help them with their own words.

[faces-in-unexpected-places]

Stream of Thought #11

Hey everyone, how’s it going? It’s been MONTHS hasn’t it? I’ve been away for a while, and once I’m done with break, it will probably be gone again, unfortunately. I’m actually not on break yet, I still have some finals to take. But I’ve been taking kind of a break for the day because I’ve been working so hard, especially this past week. There is a theme that I’ve been seeing in my life as of late, and it’s become so prominent that I thought I’d talk about it here!

It’s the concept of your time, and the ways you chose to spend it. More specifically, the people you choose to spend it on. The people you talk to, the people you interact with, and the people you talk about.

I’ve found that life can feel incredibly different just based on the people that you have in it. And that might seem like a no-brainer, but the imperative hook in this statement is something that is unspoken. In many situations (not all, but many), you are in relative or complete control of who is in your life, what role they play, and to what extent they support your life.

With that being said, it can be easy to, without knowing it, spend your time on the wrong people. And they can be the wrong people for a whole plethora of reasons that depends entirely on your life situation and just who you are as a person. In my current situation, I’d say that the wrong people for me to spend my time on are wrong because they do not deserve my time. They are people who, whether they realize it or not, are helpless, ungrateful, selfish, immature, unmotivated, and probably some other things that I cannot think of right now. They aren’t all of these things at the same time; it depends on the situation. But they can be more than one at the same time.

As I’ve figured out, being around people who embody these traits in some form consistently and almost all the time is DRAINING. Specifically because I try to help them, but the only progress that is made is because I stepped in. Not because they were proactive, asked their own questions, or worked hard. I’ve been able to watch these people make mistakes because they listen to other people, try to step in and guide them towards a healthier decision, and eventually see them start slipping into unhealthy choices once again. It makes me feel like their parent (which I am most certainly not), and a bad one since my input appears to hold less weight to them than other people who are hellbent on failing school and doing drugs.

(Disclaimer: Some people do not want to go to college or do not feel it something they are well suited for, and I respect that. I also understand that not all drugs are created equal. I dislike some because they can destroy your life and others at the very least are illegal and can ruin other opportunities in life. My experience with people lately is that they’re failing school and soon-to-be doing drugs because of peer-pressure and their lack of the ability to think for themselves and stick to their decisions without being shaped by people who are bad influences.)

There is a fine line between being there for someone who needs help, whether they know how to ask for it or not, and overstepping your boundaries and infringing on their freedom and independence as an individual. I refuse to chase somebody around, trying to protect them from the people that I think are bad influences because that essentially translates to me doing the exact same thing as the other side, only I’m advocating for MY ideas, and not theirs. The net result is that the person doesn’t think for himself. If he does things to better his life, it has to be because he decided to do it. I do not have the time or the energy to prop up his life, nor is it my responsibility. He needs to seek the advice of people who can be good influences, himself. He knows who they are, but refuses to act (I have made it known to him on multiple occasions that I would be happy to help and talk with him on whatever he needs).

And it is this stage of stress and disappointment that I make the connection: maybe I am now officially spending my time on the wrong person. Unintentionally, I spoke with him casually about his day while one of his bad influences was hanging around, and then decided to talk to one of their roommates who I don’t know very well.

The difference in how I felt was remarkable. I hadn’t spoken to this roommate very much because he seemed to enjoy keeping to himself, and I had previously decided that I didn’t want to insert myself or make him feel uncomfortable. I just said hi, and before I knew it, we were talking about all kinds of things (and he even asked me questions!). Part of my reason for trying to reach out to him more was dependent on the fact that the other two people tend to act in a very in-group-out-group kind of dynamic with a lot of people. Often times, I feel like I’m in the out-group. And while I don’t particularly like being in the out-group, from this roommate’s perspective, I probably appear more to be in the in-group since he is in an even FURTHER out-group than me. Hopefully that train of logic was followable. Apparently the conclusion that I drew was that being in the in-group is even worse than being in the out-group, so I decided to remove myself completely and focus on someone else entirely.

(An interesting note is that once I stopped talking to the in-groupers, they didn’t hang around for much longer. They pretty quickly split up after the roommate and I started getting into our conversation.)

And it was WONDERFUL. We laughed, asked each other questions (and follow-up questions), and had a good time. It felt effortless. I didn’t feel like I was being judged or ignored; I didn’t have to guess how he was feeling (the others either purposefully act uncomfortable when talking to me, or do a very poor job at hiding their discomfort and ending the conversation). It was amazing how much happier I felt within a few minutes just based on the company that I was keeping.

I’m not saying that this roommate is going to be my new best friend forever and always. I see him so little that I probably won’t get any closer to him than every-now-and-then-small-talks anyway. But it’s an example of the kinds of people that you can include or exclude from your life and your well-being. I don’t claim for this to be an end-all-be-all method of improving your life and dealing with the people in it, but it is A way to do it, and one that can be helpful in stressful, complicated situations, because it is a SIMPLE method. It can get you out of over-thinking cycles about the people around you.

“How do you feel when you talk and interact with said person?” When you answer that, you can move forward in determining just exactly what kind of role, and how much weight you want a certain person to have in your life.

Talking to this roommate made me feel better, happier, and respected. It really helps put in perspective what you appreciate and VALUE in your friends. For me, it’s respect, politeness, confidence, optimism, motivation, commitment, reliability, honesty, humor, thoughtfulness, and probably other things that I haven’t thought of just now. The point is that if you’re surrounding yourself with people who do NOT reflect the things that you value, and you can do something about it (assuming that you aren’t making excuses for yourself when you actually can do something, even if you feel like you can’t), then CHANGE IT.

It is your life. For the most part, you can control it. It is yours, nobody else’s. Make your choices based on what YOU want, and what you think is important. At the end of the day, the only person that has lived your entire life is you. Your life is something that nobody else can truly possess. This is of course excluding all of the horrible situations in which people are being tortured, controlled, or abused in lots of inhumane ways. 

Life is full of clichés and short sayings that are easy to memorize, but difficult to internalize. It helps when you break down the origin, examples, and mechanics of how these clichés work and apply to your life. In my experience, it’s only then that you can be completely certain that you’ve learned something from the cliché.

In short, be with people that make you happy.

It can make a world of difference.

[bintaeran]

Energy Up!

Energy Up! Nina Zolotow by Beth

Young Italian Girl Resting by Paul Cezanne

According to the Mayo Clinic nearly everyone is overtired or overworked from time to time. Unrelenting fatigue is a whole different matter. When fatigue lasts longer, is more profound, and isn't relieved by rest, it’s a sure sign that you need to see a medical professional. Temporary fatigue, on the other hand, usually has an identifiable cause and a likely remedy. What are some likely causes? Here’s their suggested list: 

Use of alcohol or drugs 

Excess physical activity 

Jet lag 

Lack of physical activity 

Lack of sleep 

Medications, such as antihistamines, cough medicines 

Unhealthy eating habits 

To the Mayo Clinic’s list I would add one more: dealing with energy draining, stressful situations like: personal relationships, chronic physical conditions, mental/emotional difficulties, finances, dealing with difficult people, and others (fill in the blank with your own). 

I, myself, am coming out of a period of temporary fatigue. In other words I was experiencing a couch potato, empty vessel, sloth-like, lack of energy. Temporary fatigue typically hits me after a long period of “fast forward” activity, and looking back over the past two months, I can pinpoint the causes. If I’m brutally honest they are: 

Lack of sleep. Thankfully not insomnia, but just staying up late and hanging out past my optimal bedtime of 10:30 p.m. 

Unhealthy eating habits. Too many carbs, mostly in the form of bread. It’s my go-to comfort food but overeating it is clearly a factor in my personal fatigue formula. 

Excess activity; The biggest piece of this was preparing for and delivering an 8-hour long workshop on a new topic in addition to the holidays and my other teaching, volunteer, and domestic responsibilities. 

Albert Einstein said, “Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.” Right on, Albert! So that means phrases like “lack of energy” or “I have no energy” are not entirely accurate. We do have energy but sometimes there can be a need to change its form from a shortage into a surplus. In other words, we need to find ways to “light our fire” or “get the lead out,” and bring our energy up. Here are two ways to accomplish that goal. 

1. Take a Day Off 

Why do I recommend taking a rest day? Here’s my reasoning: Rest days are written into training plans for athletes, even those training for the Olympics, to allow the body to recuperate. You can literally take the day off from yoga practice or take a just break from active yoga practice. To take a day off completely, use your practice time to hang out, rest, relax, catch up on your reading, or do nothing. If you’d like to use your yoga practice as a way to rest, practice your favorite restorative yoga poses and/or techniques (see Restorative Yoga by Nina). 

2. Converting Energy From Shortage to Surplus 

Sometimes, we need a technique or two to get our energy up in order to function until that precious day off can get scheduled. To use your yoga practice as a change agent, you do not necessarily have to change what you do, just change how you do it. Practice your postures in a way that creates heat, and encourages feelings of stimulation, intention, and intensity. But keep the following advice in mind: 

Be sure to warm up first. 

Focus on the feeling of moving purposefully between postures. 

Focus more on your inhalations. 

Move with strength, speed, determination, and intensity. 

Build towards a longer, stronger practice that is within your capability. 

Here’s a technique you may not be familiar with: The Breath of Joy. It’s typically done in a standing position but is easily modified for sitting in a chair. It’s from the Kripalu Yoga tradition and the instructions below are from a Yoga International article by Amy Weintraub The Breath of Joy (Amy is the author of Yoga for Depression, founder of the LifeForce Yoga Healing Institute, and a leader in the field of yoga and mental health). 

Caution: This practice may not be appropriate for those with high blood pressure or who suffer from eye or head injuries. 

The purpose of The Breath of Joy is to awaken the whole system, increasing oxygen levels in the bloodstream, temporarily stimulating the sympathetic nervous system, and focusing the mind. Just what I need to get my energy up! Here are Amy’s instructions: 

“To practice Breath of Joy, stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and parallel, knees slightly bent. 1. Inhale one-third of your lung capacity and swing your arms up in front of your body, bringing them parallel to each other at shoulder level, with palms facing the ceiling. 

2. Continue inhaling to two-thirds capacity and stretch your arms out to the side like wings to shoulder level. 

3. Inhale to full capacity and swing your arms parallel and over your head, palms facing each other. 

4. Open your mouth and exhale completely with an audible ha, bending the knees more deeply as you sink into a standing squat and swing your arms down and back behind you like a diver. 

Repeat up to nine times. Don’t force or strain the body or breath; simply be absorbed by the peacefully stimulating rhythm. Return to standing. Close your eyes and experience the effects. Notice how quickly your heart beats; feel the sensations in your face and arms, and the tingling in the palms of your hands."

Some examples of pranayama and mudra practices you might try are: Kapalabhati breath, (see Stimulating Breath Practices We Recommend or Vittam mudra from Mudras for Healing and Transformation by Joseph and Lilian LePage. Vittam mudra helps to establish the free flow of vital energy. 

Instructions for Practicing Vittam Mudra

Sit with your spine comfortably aligned. 

Soften your chest and shoulders. 

Close your eyes or keep them slightly open and gaze down at the floor. 

Hold your hands cupped in front of your lower abdomen with palms facing each other about twelve inches apart. 

Allow your hands to naturally part away from each other on the inhalation and rest gently back toward each other on the exhalation. 

Repeat for 5 to 10 long, deep breaths or more, as long as you are comfortable.

Our energetic needs are like fingerprints; no two people are alike. These techniques work for me, which is why I am sharing them. Will they work for you? Try them out and see.

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