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dmercer91 · 1 year

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i would, lh43

you and luke really like to piss each other off.

four times you and luke almost kiss and the one time it finally happens

this is toxicity, angst and a little fluff all rolled into one. enjoy! <3 (7.6k) this is very much not proofread

one.

you were sure luke hughes was one of life’s greatest mysteries. to put it lightly, he was sweet until he wasn’t.

you’d warned him before the two of you started dating in your shared freshman year that you’d been through a lot.

you warned him that sometimes you needed a minute alone, that sometimes you could self-destruct, and that sometimes you lost yourself in your brain and that someone else would take over for a while

he promised you that he’d work with you, that he understood what you were explaining and that he could surely handle it.

he promised he’d do anything he could to help you get back into your head whenever you felt out of it, that he’d keep his head on straight for the both of you so that the two of you could work through rough stages.

clearly you hadn’t prepared him well enough, or clearly he overestimated his level headedness.

it sucked for the both of you that you still had to see each other every day, regardless of whether or not he was on the road, cause you’d be there too.

you’d been warned by every girl in every stage of life that dating in the workplace was a horrible idea. you promised them it was hardly work, you weren't even around that much. you were wrong again.

when the two of you broke up, you opted to stay with the team as the media intern. after all, you agreed to be friends.

that went sour quickly, because all the arguing that took place in the confines of his dorm or your sisters apartment carried onto your friendship, and consequently in the halls of yost.

the more the two of you would argue, the more you both got petty.

today was no different, and you weren’t trying to work him up on purpose, but when the opportunity arose you took it and ran.

a trend on tiktok had started, talking about red flags. the monday question you chose was something along the lines of ‘what is your weirdest / stupidest red flag’

most of the players responded as you expected them to - something like mixing jams on their toast or putting hot sauce on their bagels.

you weren’t even expecting him to acknowledge you, because since the breakup, luke had avoided monday questions, as well as your camera, altogether.

you weren't sure what had pissed him off today, or what was going through his brain when he decided he was gonna be sour right off the bat, but his response was surely something.

“my ex girlfriend is an obsessive bitch,” you covered your mouth to keep yourself from laughing. you knew he was just being an asshole for the purpose of trying to get to you, but the words truly sounded unnatural coming from his mouth.

luke figured you would delete the video and move on with your day, get back at him with some mean comment another time, but instead you decided to take it a little further than he was intending.

after practice was over, you sat in the cubby a few down from his and began to edit the videos you’d taken of the boys together, and you saved it. then, you took the new video and added the clip of luke to the end, playing on full volume and repeating itself as you pretended to adjust the beginning to the previous clip of dylan running away.

the few guys that were left in the dressing room looked at eachother, and luke was already staring you down.

the rest of the team had learned to tune the two of you out. seeing as you were friends with most of them even before you dated luke, none of them chose sides and they all believed that eventually the two of you would get tired of pissing each other off and quit it. alternately, luke would just leave for jersey and peace would be restored.

“what? why are you looking at me like that?” you mumbled defensively, eyeing him like he was a weirdo.

“you’re putting that in the actual video?” you raised an eyebrow, smile etched onto your face like it was drawn with a sharpie. what you weren’t expecting was for luke to take a deep breath, and look away.

you continued to edit the clip, up until the remaining players had all left yost and you felt luke’s eyes burning into your skull again.

he stood up calmly, and walked over to you.

you looked up at him and stood as well, slowly backing out of the doors in the dressing room. he followed, speeding up to keep you at an arms length

“delete that, y/n, i swear to god,” you realized he was trying to corner you, and though he physically outmatched you any day of the week, he was failing spectacularly at it.

you did your best at playing keep away with the umich media phone, and backed your way into the visitors dressing room.

“delete it? fat chance. i was actually thinking i might put it up, i can never seem to get content of you unless-“ you groaned as your back hit the wall, luke holding you against it with his hips

“unless i’m too pissed to shove the phone out of my face?” you grinned, slinging your arms around his neck and leaning into his touch, your chests pressed taught to each other so you couldn’t slip from his grasp.

“you know, if i get early onset back pain, i'm blaming you. now can we quit it with the dramatics? i have a very charming video of you to edit for the tiktok page” luke just pressed you closer to the wall, ignoring the grin you gave him to show how much you’d actually been liking the closeness.

“you wouldn’t,” he tried to grab the phone from your hands, placed behind his neck, but you were quick to tuck it into your bra so he couldn’t access it.

“i would.” his jaw clenched and you kept straight eye contact, loving how irritated he was getting so quickly.

“baby,” he stated, taking a deep breath.

“i was being a dick, and i’m sorry. but we don’t need to make that a public thing,” you bit your lip, pretending like you were contemplating it before you replied to him

“we’re using baby again?” he licked his lips, grabbing your hands from his shoulders and holding them.

his eyes softened and he paused before using what was probably the sweetest tone you’d ever gotten from him

“if you want me to use baby, yes, i’ll call you whatever you like”

“i’m not falling for that,” his soft, convincing face fell flat and his eyes went from hopeful right back to angry and endlessly frustrated

after a few moments standing there waiting for him to find a new game plan, you bit your lip and started messing with a few of his curls

“you ever miss me, lukey?” he pulled his head away from your hands, the gentle aspect of your touch giving him an unneeded reminder of the fact that you could be a sweetheart, you were just choosing not to be

“not a chance in hell” you smiled to hide the pang in your chest, but he saw through you, holding the back of your head

“you’re always right here annoying me, hm? no time to miss you” he corrected, tracing circles on your scalp with his thumb. you poked your cheek with your tongue, looking down for a quick second before ultimately looking right back into his eyes, trying to read what he was thinking

this is what you assumed he was talking about when he used to always tell you he’d figure things out, that you’d always make up after a fight - that he’d look at you like this and see that you were struggling

that he would feel what you were feeling for even just a split second and correct himself, even if he was lying, just to cover up the ache in your chest.

this, to you, was confirmation that he could read you like that. that he can see through any mask you put up and had truly just given up on you.

he sighed, and you saw his eyes move to your lips, then back up to your eyes. he was leaning forward, and just like that, he was pulling away and clearing his throat.

“could you please delete the video for me? m’ sorry about how i spoke to you” your entire body felt cold without him against it, and you wished whatever thought in his mind that made him want to kiss you would’ve fucked off, so the two of you could’ve stayed pressed up against each other forever.

“i’m not that mean, lu. i’ll delete it” he smiled and ruffled your hair, walking away as quickly as possible.

it bears repeating; you were sure luke hughes was one of life’s greatest mysteries.

two

your favourite part about going to michigan, as well as being close with one of the sports teams, was the parties.

you weren’t even sure how they pulled it off, but you couldn’t think of a single time you’d been invited to a umich party and didn’t have a night worth remembering (even if you could barely remember it).

tonight was no different, and it started with mark and ethan fighting over who got to be your partner in beer pong.

you decided it would be a best of three challenge, and the loser was stuck with luke, who was notorious for only having aim once he was plastered enough to faint. the winner got to be with you, who had the ongoing win streak among the sophomores.

first was a game of rock paper scissors, that was promptly won by ethan, seeing as mark always went rock.

he’d even mentioned before the challenge that he always lost since he always picked rock, so you’d told him to simply not pick rock - he did it anyways.

the second round was seeing who could shotgun the fastest, which was ultimately taken by mark when ethan got cocky and gave him a three second head start.

safe to say, mark had been almost done by the time ethan even had his lips over the hole in his can.

the third challenge was a headstand contest, mostly because you just wanted to see the two of them try to uphold a headstand for more than five seconds.

mark took that one on the guise that ethan had cheated and used the wall to keep himself up. if you could have made them both lose, you would have.

however, when you decided that ethan was in fact a cheater, mark cheered and tossed you over his shoulder, leading the group of you back to the beer pong table

ethan was pouty about having to pair up with luke, and luke was pouty about having to be around you, but you and marks energies were off the charts regardless.

you all decided that you’d have to drink ethan’s cups, mark would have to drink luke’s, and vice versa.

luke started, and sunk one ball, but completely missed the other.

mark quickly downed the drink and took the balls, missing the first off the rim of a bottom row cup, but sinking the second one perfectly.

luke drank nonchalantly and handed the ball from his cup to ethan, who just barely missed both of his shots. you grinned to yourself, centring yourself to the table before taking your shot.

your turn was similar to marks, but your first ball had bounced just before the cup at the top row and landed into luke’s hand.

ethan drank the cup you got for your second shot, sending you a playful glare.

“this should be you right now, marky. nobody said we couldn’t use the wall” you rolled your eyes, feeling mark sling his arm around your shoulders

“i won fair and square, eddy. you’re just butthurt cause you suck at shotgunning and got too cocky” luke quickly took his turn so you’d all shut up, missing horribly on both shots.

you raised an eyebrow at him, silently wondering how his on ice hand eye coordination translated this horrendously in throwing a ping pong ball

mark got two of his shots, but none in his balls back attempt, and luke quickly drank, a little more urgently this time around.

ethan got one this time around, and you happily drank the contents of the cup, licking the foam of the beer from your lips once you were done.

you also sunk two balls, but you got your second shot with balls back, leaving three cups on ethan and luke’s side and eight on yours.

ethan pouted before drinking his first cup, taking a short pause before cramming the next two one after the other.

he caught his breath before looking over at you with beer dripping from his chin

“i should’ve made hughesy drink your cups,” you giggled, and luke slapped him on the shoulder with a glare.

when the game came back around to you, they only had two cups left, and you got them both.

mark cheered loudly, rattling you around by your shoulders as you laughed at his reaction.

you and mark had always been close. something about his energy just gave you the sense that you’d never have to stress about him. you were very much the ‘call each other babe platonically’ type of friends.

he was easygoing and he just wanted to have a good time, but he was still a good friend if need be.

luke apparently hadn’t caught that memo, cause he looked like he was about ready to stab his teammate.

his jaw was clenched tight and he was just watching the two of you celebrate with complete dread on his face, while ethan finished off his beer

you picked up on it right away, and decided you’d chance luke being unbelievably pissed at you if it meant he might admit to himself he still had feelings for you.

“are we playing again?” you asked, looking up at mark who shook his head, pulling you away from the table.

“what? you want to get up to something else?” he grinned, earning a soft smile and a push to his chest.

“dance with me?” he nodded, grabbing one of the remaining cups from your side and pulling you towards the group of students essentially using the living room of soph house as a make out spot.

luke wasn’t one to dance, but mark was too drunk to care and you didn’t think he’d be leaving your side anytime soon, so you took advantage

he wasn’t half bad, the two of you mostly feeding off each other rather than the music. that was until his drink ran out, and he wanted another one.

“you want a beer, babe?” you nodded softly, tilting your head up and leaning it on his shoulder.

he smiled, kissing you on the cheek and noting that he’d be right back, quickly disappearing into the swarm of bodies towards one of the coolers.

“mark? really?” it was luke.

rather than bite back, you went with it, knowing he might be more annoyed if he thought you were genuinely going out with mark

you hummed, turning to face him. “he’s a sweetheart. maybe you could learn a thing or two” both of you knew that what you were saying was utter bullshit. regardless, luke was irked.

“are we thinking of the same mark?” he slid a finger into the belt loop of your jeans and pulled you forward, keeping you close to him and simultaneously letting you know his strength.

“handsome? fluffy hair? pretty solid with his mouth?” luke scoffed, looking behind you to make sure mark wasn’t almost back.

when his eyes came back down to yours they were dark, and he was wearing a harsh glare.

“you wouldn’t. you’re not” you smiled, almost giggling at him

“yeah, but i would, though. is your new girlfriend not at this party? thought i saw her working one of the football players. is this your thing? getting one upped by other athletes? is there an embarrassment kink im not aware of?”

before you could say anything else, his hand was over your mouth and he was grumbling at you to shut up

“not that it’s any of your business, i broke up with her. you need to start watching your fucking mouth” you pulled away from his hand, but he still had a tight grip on your jaw.

“if it was full maybe i’d stop talking,” you smiled, your facial expression almost challenging him

he licked his lips, thumb swiping over yours slightly in a way that made your heart jump out of your chest

he was leaning in and pulling your face to an angle where he could connect your lips, before his eyes flashed up and he saw mark coming back with a beer in one hand and a full bottle of liquor in the other.

“maybe your sweetheart mark will be up for that” he gave your jaw a squeeze before pushing your face away from his and walking off.

you put on a smile, turning around to see mark taking a swig of straight vodka.

“my lady,” he grinned, handing you your beer

you bit the cap off, drinking some of it before you hummed, pulling him towards you by the collar and resuming your dancing, back to his chest

“gimme some of that,” he giggled, putting the bottle in his hand up to your lips and guiding you through your swig

“luke came n’ saw you?” you nodded

“yeah.”

three

one of your favourite things to do in your free time was barge into soph house with absolutely no warning.

today, it was cause you and your other roommate had been momentarily kicked out of yours and your older sister's shared apartment so she had it to herself for her one year anniversary.

you announced your arrival when you walked in, your friend trailing behind you awkwardly while the boys shouted simultaneous greetings from the living room

“i brought a friend. it’s my sister's anniversary and there’s a metaphorical sock on our door,” your comment earned you chuckles from the group, and when you walked into the living room you scanned the furniture to see if there were two open spaces.

luke had been sitting by himself, mackie and dylan were sharing the loveseat, and ethan and mark were sharing the bigger couch.

you tilted your head and squinted at ethan, who had been taking up two and a half cushions. he grinned in return, further stretching himself out so he’d been getting into marks personal space as well.

you opted to physically drag ethan from his spot, over so he’d just been taking up one cushion instead

he glared at you playfully, fighting back against your pushing until you were stuck pushing back against each other, causing the both of you to break out into laughter and for you to fall onto the couch

“scootch, edwards,” you worked out in between giggles, finally getting him to move over and sitting up yourself so there was some room for your friend

when she sat, it was almost on top of you, since the couch wasn’t meant for four, and you could almost sense luke’s ears perking up like a dog being offered a treat

“you know if there’s not enough room over there i’m more than happy to share” he patted his lap, looking right at your roommate with a smirk playing at his lips.

you were quick to glare at him and shut the idea down, while mark pulled you into his own lap so your friend would have enough room, and hopefully so you and luke would drop it.

your friend adjusted and then eyed luke, and then you

“i take it that’s luke,” you immediately slapped her arm and glared at her, knowing this would give luke enough ammunition to piss you off for however long you were at sophomore house

you couldn’t even properly find time to warn him to forget he ever heard that before it started.

“aw, baby, you tell your friends about me?” you smiled sarcastically, feeling mark grab the back of your shirt so you didn’t lunge at his teammate

“fuck right off, warren,” luke’s jaw ticked, and he opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by dylan

“i’ll sit on your lap, lukey!” the group laughed, and luke tried to hide his smile.

the sophomores had become extremely accustomed to changing the subject or interrupting you and luke when the two of you fought, seeing as you were over most days of the week

now that the room had become less tense, everyone was partaking in their own conversations.

you, ethan, mark and your friend had been talking about a class the four of you shared, while mackie, dylan and luke talked about the upcoming series against minnesota.

that continued until you felt your phone go off in your back pocket and pulled it out to see a text from your sister, telling you that you could make your way back to the apartment.

below it, to your shock, was a silenced text from luke.

from, luke hughes → kitchen?

to, luke hughes → ?

you looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed and heart pounding, and he was already looking at you.

you blinked and moved your eyes away, turning your head to mark who’d been deep in concentration listening to ethan.

“hey, my sister texted, we’re gonna get going” that caught the attention of dylan and ethan, which made mackie turn his head, and, well, luke had already been staring at you.

mark frowned, caging his arms around your waist to hug you.

“it’s still early, you can stay,” you heard a jumble of voices agreeing with mark’s statement, and you could feel luke’s gaze burning through you.

you looked down at your roommate and she shrugged, since she’d accustomed pretty well to the sophomores already and wasn’t exactly dying to leave

“i’ll stay for free beer?” luke smiled to himself and made his way to the kitchen quietly, knowing nobody would really notice him while they were cheering at your words

you offered to go get everyone their bottles and got up, ruffling marks hair slightly before you walked over to their fridge and took out six beer, luke already sipping on one.

“you ask me over here to argue without getting interrupted?” luke grinned softly, taking three of the bottles and setting them on the island along with his own, nodding for you to do the same with the other three

you complied, and as soon as they hit the counter you were being backed up into it, his hips pinning you and his arms locking you in place

“i just wanted to talk,” he explained, looking down at you with a sweet gaze that made your stomach turn

“you know, you could’ve had mackie or duker sit on the other couch, fuck, you could’ve even pulled up a chair from the island or sat on the ground! but you just let him pull you into his lap like you're his?”

you rolled your eyes, trying to push his arm off the counter so you could squeeze away from him and bring everyone their drinks, but his grip tightened.

“i’m talking to you, y/n,” he added pressure with his body so he could use a hand to make you look at him.

“how many times do i have to tell you i’m not sleeping with any of your friends?” you defended and he shrugged

“i never said you were, i just pointed out that you two seem real fucking comfortable with each other lately,”

you sighed and cupped his neck with both hands, thumbs messing with the curls that fell behind his ears

“lu, nothings happening. nothing's going to happen. im not fucking mark just like you’re not actually gonna fuck my roommate,”

he didn’t react much, just kept staring into your eyes.

“if not my friends then who are you with?” you smiled and shook your head

“none of your business, hughesy.” he laughed dryly and moved his hand from your jaw around to the back of your neck, your faces so close his nose was brushing against yours.

your eyes both drifted to each other's lips, and you cleared your throat and backed your head away before he could kiss you.

he moved off you and grabbed his beer, standing on the other side of the kitchen, now.

“maybe i’ll see you around your place, y/n,” he smirked before looking over at your roommate who was laughing at something dylan had said, and heading back to the living room

“you wouldn’t,” you yelled after him.

“i would!” he called back, leaving you to groan to yourself and pick up the beers for everyone

four

“adam! shea!” you smiled, trying to stand up off the bench you were on to go greet your friends, but tripping over the air and immediately deciding that you would be staying on the bench.

the two boys gave each other weird looks across the street from you, deciding to make their way over.

the two boys being luca and shea, who were obviously quite confused.

once they made their way there, they came to the conclusion that you were incredibly, extremely, outstandingly drunk.

“i want whatever she’s having,” luca chuckled, knowing he and his brother did not look alike in the slightest.

seamus slapped him up the back of the head, helping you to sit up properly and then taking his own place beside you to support your torso.

“dude, shut up. call mark, or eddy, even. we don’t know how long she’d been here” you were looking up at him, absolutely delirious and telling him about your childhood pet hamster that was named casey (like him!)

mark was down at the bus stop you were all sitting at in record time, now kneeling in front of you and trying to get an answer out of you as to why you were mind-blowingly wasted at two pm on a tuesday

when you just continued to murmur about nonsense, luca spoke up

“maybe we should bring her to luke?” seamus and mark both turned their heads to him very slowly, eyebrows raised and annoyance glaringly obvious in their eyes, and he lifted his arms in defence

“i’m just saying! notice how all of their arguing is like, ultra petty? he never says anything that actually means shit. he definitely knows what's going on with her,”

they both thought about it, ultimately coming to the conclusion that it couldn’t do anymore harm than good - luke wasn’t a big enough dick to punch down, so maybe luca was right.

they looked at each other, “this is the worst idea anyone has ever had in the entire history of the university of michigan,” shea stated, already helping you onto your feet and having luca hold you up from the other side

“yeah,” mark nodded, texting luke a very vague message so that he’d be home and in the living room once the four of you got to soph house.

when you did, it was safe to say luke really did not want to have any part of it.

“no.” he shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest while he watched you fuss with seamus when he tried to set you on the wrong couch cushion, apparently.

“wh-” mark tried to plead his case, but couldn’t even get a word out.

“no. not a chance, mark, just have her sleep it off, or something,” the two of them watched as luca brought you a water and you tried to convince him that you did have a water, only for him to open the lid and be hit with the smell of liquor.

“hear me out,” mark started, giving luke a hopeful look and earning a confirming eye roll in return

“your friend needs help, and-”

“your friend”

“fine, be like that! your ex, that you’re still in love with, by the way, needs help, and you’re the only one of us that has a chance in hell at knowing what it is that made her drink away her brain on a random fucking weekday, by herself, on the street,”

the room went silent, and even you had stopped rambling upon hearing the tone mark was using.

“so, if you could please just fucking talk to her for a minute to see if she gives you an idea? something? tells you what’s up? that would be glorious, luke,”

luke clenched his jaw but looked over at you for a quick second, caving and nodding slightly

“i’ll talk to her. alone, though,” he grumbled, and mark patted his shoulder, nodding to luca and seamus to go over to the kitchen

he sat next to you, and you looked up at him, bringing your knees to your chest.

“are you okay, y/n/n?” he asked softly, tilting his head at you. you blinked, clearly on the verge of blacking out

“luke,” you stated simply, earning a sad smile from him

“what did i tell you about drinking to forget, hm?” he reached around you, burying his hand in your hair and massaging your scalp gently

“said no,” you replied, barely above a whisper. you were hiding from his gaze, now.

he watched you for a moment, trying to see if there was anything on you to help him out.

his eyebrows furrowed at the sight of your phone case, the polaroid that had been in the back of it since before he knew you now flipped so you couldn’t see what it was.

“can i see that?” he asked, pointing to your phone.

you handed it to him reluctantly, watching as he peeled the case off and slid the picture out from under it.

it was a picture of you and your father. you were just a baby, and your dad had been wearing a party hat and feeding you a bite of cake

the back read; dads 31st birthday! 02/07/04

he turned your phone around and knocked his knuckle against the screen, reading the date once it lit up

tuesday, february 7

“oh, baby. cmere,” he mumbled, pulling you into his lap gently and holding your head to his chest.

your body shook against his as you sobbed, still painfully aware of the occasion no matter how inebriated you were

he held you still until you calmed down, and when he opened up the shield he’d made with his arms he found that you were sound asleep against him, face beet red and soaked with tears

he adjusted you slowly, lifting your arms around his shoulders so he could carry you without waking you up.

he looked over to mark who nodded with an appreciative smile, then carefully carried you upstairs and towards his room.

he set you down and took off your shoes, then grabbed a water bottle and some medicine for you, setting them down and slipping into bed next to you.

you found your way to his chest and slept peacefully while he zoned out, brushing his hand through your hair soothingly.

when you did wake up, it was slowly and difficultly. it had been a few hours, your mouth felt dry and your head felt heavy.

you felt dizzy, but not from the hangover. from luke, holding you close to him.

you let out a noise of confusion, and luke stiffened, looking down at you.

rather than pay mind to the millions of emotions coursing through him, he decided to focus on sitting you up and getting you to drink some water.

you just listened, waiting to ask what the hell had happened until after you were feeling a little less undead.

“uh, luca and shea found you by one of the bus stops. you called luca adam, so they came up to you, n called mark” you looked down, tears brimming your eyes.

“oh.. okay,” you whispered, fidgeting with your own fingers awkwardly.

he gave you a minute to compose yourself before setting the polaroid on your lap

“he would’ve been fifty today,” he stated softly, looking at where your eyes would have been had you been facing him.

you wiped your face roughly, groaning to yourself while luke silently begged you to look at him

“maybe we can take a little trip to go see him, yeah? i’ll stop at the store and we can get him a card n’ some flowers,” he offered, rubbing your upper back soothingly

“you’d do that for me?”

“i would. or i can explain everything to mark, and he can take you, if you wanted?” you shook your head quickly

“no. no, uh,” you sniffled, taking the water he’d gotten you from his night stand and sipping carefully from it

“the whole reason i like being around him so much is that he doesn’t know everything, and he doesn’t need to know everything,” you explained, finally looking up at him with glossy eyes and a red nose

“i can zone out for a minute and he won’t ask me if i’m okay, he’ll just slap the back of my head and tell me i need a nap,” you chuckled

you’d made it a point to keep the shitty aspects of your life away from mark.

he knew you’d been through a lot, but he didn’t know any details and he never asked about it, respecting your boundaries

“it’s easy around him, you know?” luke nodded slightly, a questioning look in his eyes

“i wish it could’ve been that simple with you, but there are things that cant be kept from a partner the way they can from a friend, it’s different,”

the two of you sat in silence for a minute, luke having opened the bottle of ibuprofen for you and handing you two to take

once you sipped away the weird feeling in your throat with water, you gave him a hopeful look

“are you still up to take me?” he smiled sadly and nodded, slowly moving from his bed and over to his closet.

“here,” he handed you a hoodie and his varsity jacket, nodding in a way that told you to put them on.

you stood carefully and put the sweater on, overwhelmed by the smell of him lingering on the collar

the jacket was both too big on you but a perfect fit, the bottom landing a little above your knees and the sleeves covering up to the tips of your fingers

you put your shoes back on and gave him a look before going over to the bathroom, scanning the counter until you found something that could suffice as a face wash

you pulled your sleeves up and washed the mascara from your cheeks, then grabbed a clean towel to pat your face dry.

you went to go cup your hands under the cool water to drink before some mouthwash, but you spotted the toothbrush you kept here while you’d been dating luke in his corner of things

your lips parted and you blinked, almost thinking it would go away once you opened your eyes again.

when it didn’t, you took the cover off the top of it to find it in the same condition you left it, so you rinsed it well before using it.

luke walked out of his shared room, now in a hoodie of his own, and froze when he saw you

you avoided his eyes, pulling your hair from your face while you spat out the toothpaste and then rinsed your mouth with water.

you pulled your sleeves back down and walked over to where he was waiting on the stairs, flicking the light off and keeping your head down

“i, uh, just kept forgetting to toss it,” he cleared his throat, eyes flashing over to you and quickly moving away

you just nodded, making your way down the stairs and seeing the three boys who had brought you home playing video games on the couch

shea was the first to notice you, smiling to himself at the sight of you drowning in luke’s clothes.

he nudged marks knee with his own to grab his attention, nodding over to you and luke who’d been awkwardly standing there

mark looked up and grinned at you, setting his controller down and getting up to trap you in a bear hug

“how’s the head, dumbass,” you smiled bashfully, resting your face against his chest and hugging him back

“throbbing. thanks for coming to get me,” he hummed in response, ruffling your hair and moving away from you

“you’re bringing her home?” mark asked, eyes directed at luke

he looked at you and you answered for him

“we’re going on a little road trip. be back in a few hours,” mark tried his best not to let glee take over his face too obviously.

he sent luke a knowing look, a callback to their earlier conversation where mark had outright exposed him for still being in love with you

you smiled and waved to shea and luca, who returned the favour, luca yelling after you as you walked away with a “you kids have fun! wear protection!” which earned him a slap on the head from seamus.

the drive to the grocery store was quiet, luke’s bluetooth playing quietly through the speakers of his car and you humming along to some of the songs you knew.

the two of you opted to grab something to eat from the deli as well, and luke offered to pay for both the meals and the card and flowers you’d gotten for your dad.

you were reluctant, but he had blocked you away from the debit machine when it was presented to you, so you settled for slipping a twenty into the pocket of his jacket so he’d get it whenever you took it off and gave it back.

you weren’t opposed to the silence, but sharing it with luke did make it a little more uncomfortable than it should’ve been.

you were dreadfully aware that the two of you did need to have a good talk, and work out whatever it was that had torn your friendship to bits after the breakup, but maybe that's better off happening later on.

when he pulled into the parking lot at the cemetery your dad had been buried at, you looked over at him before getting out

“thank you for doing this for me, lu,” he nodded sweetly, mumbling a soft “of course, baby,” in response

your heart fluttered at his tone, as well as the genuine use of ‘baby’, and you gave him a close-lipped smile before opening the door to his car and grabbing your things, waiting for him to get out with you.

the two of you walked to your dads headstone, sitting on the grass by it and laying the flowers and the card.

“if you want a minute by yourself, i can-” you grabbed his hand before he could move to stand up, shaking your head and looking up at him with teary eyes

“just, stay,” you breathed out, and he nodded, wrapping his free arm around you and squeezing the hand that he’d been holding

you cried silently, staring at the stone with tears streaming down your face, leaving lines of red from the irritated skin.

you felt luke start to gently brush his thumb along your knuckles, and you grimaced to yourself, looking down into your lap to try and keep yourself together

luke frowned, pulling you into his lap and cradling your head, one hand still holding yours

you took a deep breath, torso shaking as you squeezed his hand like you’d been getting your first tattoo.

when you looked up at him, you saw the luke you knew at the beginning of your relationship, and not the one you constantly bickered with.

he pushed his nose next to yours, lips nearly brushing against each others, but he waited for you to initiate it.

instead, you pulled away and tried to move away from his hug, heart aching in your chest and guilt taking over your head

“i’m sorry,” you whispered, opting to lean your head into his neck since he hadn’t loosened his grip.

“no, it’s.. it’s okay, y/n,” he sounded unsure, but the words eased your mind nonetheless

“i can’t go through what we did again, i can’t keep going in that circle, luke, we suck for each other,” you explained, pulling your hand from his and beginning to mess with the sleeves of his jacket

“i can be better at that, y/n/n, i want to help,” you shook your head, finally managing to move off him

“you said that last time, and you lied. i don’t blame you, luke, i was shitty too. but i think we’re better off as friends,”

he pursed his lips, nodding. he knew you were right.

+ one

“have you ever been to an nhl game before?” ellen asked, getting soup ready for quinn, who was recovering on the couch.

“uh, no, and i hardly had time to pay attention to any of the wolverines games, i was always editing,” you chuckled awkwardly, knowing your knowledge of crowds at sporting events was very limited and you’d likely be caught sitting with jim looking incredibly confused.

you knew you would feel out of place, especially at a playoff game.

luke wasn't even aware that you were in new jersey, let alone that you’d be in attendance to his first playoff game.

you had finals and things to do for the team’s media page during his first nhl games, and though you weren’t dating, you knew he wanted you there for them due to the devils jersey he had sent you after he signed his contract.

not only did you still have things to do in ann arbor, but you definitely could not afford a place to stay or plane tickets to new jersey.

then, ellen had messaged you with the news that she’d be stuck babying quinn for the next while, and offered you her ticket to the game along with help for your plane tickets.

truly, it was the least she could do, as her son hadn’t shut up about you since the moment she got to newark, and she could no longer stand hearing him complain about how much he missed you, only to correct everyone when they referred to you as his girlfriend.

the game could not have been anymore hectic. it ended 8-4 devils, but with four combined short handed goals, the canes rookie goalie being subbed in, and luke getting two points.

the rock was loud, but the energy felt less overwhelming over time and you got used to the cheers and yelling eventually.

you went with jim to wait for jack and luke, neither of which were expecting you.

jack came out first, and completely neglected his father as he greeted you with a hug, asking how you’d been and when you got to town.

you were still hugging when luke made his way out, eyebrows furrowing at the sight of a pair of arms around his brother’s waist.

when he got close enough to see that it was you, you were promptly pulled away from jack and lifted into luke’s arms, feet a few inches off the ground from how tightly he’d been hugging onto you.

“oh, jesus. hi, lukey,” you giggled, squeezing him back just as tight. you hadn’t been wearing the jersey, knowing the broadcasts had a tendency to pan to jim up in the stands and not wanting to make a big deal out of it

“how long have you been in jersey? how did you get here? where did you get the ticket, y/n, what the fuck” he rambled, a big smile etched onto his face during the whole ordeal.

he set you down but kept his arms around you, rocking the two of you back and forth while his older brother and dad watched in amusement.

your face went completely serious, and you tried to keep it that way as you spoke “oh, well, i came down to help with quinn after his tonsils and your mom offered me her ticket,” luke shook his head, ruffling your hair and holding your head to his chest

“i hate you,” he mumbled as you laughed against him.

“no, you don’t” you pulled back a few inches, grabbing his wrist and leading him to the exit jack and jim had already started making their way to.

“no, i don’t,” he pulled back on your wrist, bringing you back into his chest so the two of you were looking at each other.

he lowered his face and kissed you, and for how long overdue it was, he was very tame.

it was gentle, and slow, and he’d been gliding his hands up and down your hips soothingly. your hands came up behind his neck to mess with the hair at its nape and you pulled away for air, but went right back in.

when the two of you finally pulled away completely, luke was blushing madly and you were hiding away in his neck.

“that’s.. certainly one way to prove it,” you breathed out, chuckling slightly.

“can i prove it some more on the way home?” he raised an eyebrow, tilting your head back up to face him.

“with your brother driving us? you wouldn’t,” he grinned, shaking his head.

“i would. you underestimate how long i’ve been waiting for that,”

#e’s fics #luke hughes #luke hughes x reader #hockey imagine #nhl imagine #new jersey devils

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sanjisblackasswife · 2 years

Note

Any dad headcanons for the monster trio? (+ Law if you don’t mind)

(also love your writing btw!!)

A/N: I just seen a edit a while ago of Sanji being so good w kids n so I must— thank u btw!:) Imma add Cora because omg we need more writing with him:(

One Piece Men as Daddies (Fluff)

Black Fem Reader in Mind

CW: None! Except the mommy (the reader) is kinda a menace.

Ft. Zoro, Luffy, Law, Sanji, Corazon

Sanji

Top 2 Best Dads and he ain’t number 2 fr

He spoils his kids more than you now I’m sorry :(

He doesn’t realize this and swears he loves you both equally

I can most definitely see him having a daughter as his first child and yes you and her are his Queen and Princess

His daughter is a simp just like his daddy

His daughter stresses him out so much because she loves drooling over every guy she sees omg

“STOP IT, SAMMIE!”

“Sweetheart she’s a baby she doesnt e—“

“ARE YOU STARING AT MY CHILD?!”

Sanji needs to throw all kinds of kicks when he is with his babygirl

God help him when she’s a teenager

He loves cuddling you both while watching Disney movies

He teaches his sweet girl the importance of how a man should treat her if she somehow gets one

“You can’t get married until you’re 25.”

“Sanji she’s just 3 right now.”

“Okay make it 30.”

Okay ngl when you were having the baby he made the mistake of looking down between your legs and the baby’s head was just barely peaking and he passed out.

He still has a bit of subtle nose bleeds when you were breast feeding too

He keeps mementos of every single thing his child has; drawings, fallen teeth, etc he keeps it in a box in his side of the closet

Due to his childhood he tends to worry he will turn into his biological father. He confided to you about this issue while you were pregnant and you nipped it in the bud and told him that he was and will never be like him and Zeff would be proud of the kinda man and future father he turned out to be

Both cried that night.

Also he is completely aware what happens to a woman’s body after pregnancy and will always remind you no matter how much your body changes he will still see you so beautiful.

He will be just like Zeff to his son. Teaching him the same way and all.

Zeff is the granddaddy btw. Sanji takes his kids to visit him often.

He usually takes the kid(s) off your hands for a day if he sees you feel stressed

100000000/10 daddy and yes he will be pumping more into you again if you’re up for it🤍

Luffy

Two Luffy’s running around in your home

Make it 3 because I can see him having twins

They stress you out sm.

“STOP PUTTING THE BABIES UP ON TOP OF THE SHELF ONE DAY THEY GONE SAY FUCK IT AND BUST THEY HEAD—“

“I GOT THEM Y/N!”

Man didn’t have a clue in the world how to be a daddy. So he went to Rayleigh panicking KSSHSJJSS

He’s a very chill parent so you have to be the stern one and it sucks sometimes

Yes the kids like daddy more than you

Almost every night when Luffy is home he puts the twins to bed with telling them of all the stories he had with you when he was young

“And I met your mommy on a different island! She didn’t like me at first but now she’s in love with me! Heheheeh!”

Kids have the same shishishi laugh as him cracks you up each time they do it in sync

You made the mistake of leaving the three of them at home as you went to go shopping and came back to a wrecked home and the three of them eating meat on the floor

He tells them about Ace a lot.

He actually named one of the twins after him

Encourages them to be what they want in life even if they want to be a pirate

Sabo is ofc the nice uncle that comes barring gifts

Sanji and Zoro are the Goddfathers

9/10 daddy that still is learning to be a daddy

Zoro

It’s canon this man is amazing with kids so off bat he’s top 3.

Since he has so much experience he was really good with handling the baby when he was first born

At least 17 times during the time yall son was a baby he tried nursing from Zoro and he hated it sm he couldn’t even take a nap shirtless with him

“STOP LAUGHING!”

“He Just Like me for real.”

“ENOUGH.”

The second the baby was able to walk he already wanted to train him into being a swordsman

“HES A BABY!”

“HE IS A GROWN MAN—!”

He will most definitely kill for you both

You annoyed him so much during your pregnancy because you wanted to leave the house but he didn’t want you getting hurt

You’ve caught him training with your baby son swaddled on his chest (like that one filler episode of him babysitting) and you nearly choked him out because wtf is he swinging around a sword so close to y’all baby.

He did gain some weight too during your pregnancy but immediately shredded off after you poked his belly

He loves his son but as he got older he started to have beef KSSHSHSISK

His son is a mamas boy and so whenever Zoro wants to have alone time with you it’s like he had a 6th sense and barged in ruining the moment

It’s so funny seeing them argue over who gets to cuddle you for the night

He plans to give your son one of his old swords when he gets older if he decides to be a swordsman

Luffy is the Goddfather and Sanji is ofc the cool uncle that comes to visit

100000/10 Zoro is a wonderful daddy

Law

He is the strict dad

You both had a daughter and she annoys him a lot just like you did when you both were dating

“Imma get tatted like you daddy.”

“You’re 13.”

“So?”

“NO—!”

He was the one to deliver y’all baby

The doctor side of him popped out when you were pregnant he never let u leave the bedroom. He even bathed you a lot which in turn have had him have sex with you in the tub

“Orgasms can help soothe you as you’re pregnant, y/n.”

“…the hell you read that at.”

He talks about Cora to you and your baby while you both were were sleep after pregnancy.

When your daughter turned 21 you and her convinced Law to get the same matching tattoo as him on her hand and even though he acted like he was against it he was ecstatic

He has scared off so many of your daughter’s boyfriends pls

He took off the head of one because he kept staring at YOUR boobs

Law likes to study with his baby girl on his lap.

You’ve walked in on him sleep on his chair with the baby cuddled on top

120/10 Law is an outstanding responsible daddy

Corazon (Rosinante)

TOP BEST DADDY SHUT UP HEAR ME OUT

Matching clothes

He’d have a daughter :( lil Rosie Aksbsjdksk

Yes he’s clumsy but he’d rather die than have you or his baby hurt

He didn’t stop smoking but he does only do it outside

You catch him doing stupid faces and stunts to make you’re daughter laugh when she’s sad and she eats it right tf up

Yes she is a daddy’s girl

He carries you both around with ease

If he notices you feeling insecure about your body post birth he’ll feel a tinge of guilt but smother you in kisses and appreciation about how he doesn’t care about how you look he still loves u sm

And if that doesn’t work he’ll just show you…naked…in the bed….

Sex he’ll show u with sex

Law is like the older brother and he may not act like it but he loves seeing Cora so happy with you and the baby

Scares tf outta you when he is outside throwing your 4 months old baby in the air tho

He uses some of his methods when he was raising Law to raise your baby

Gets so emotional when your daughter reaches out for him

“BABY LOOK AT OUR BABY SHE LOVES ME!”

“You’re her daddy, Cora of course she loves you.”

Just like Sanji saves every core memory he can of your baby daughter

Let’s her put on his makeup . It came out horribly but he proudly wore it the whole day

He needs to kiss you both before leaving or else he will have a terrible day

One time you and the baby surprised him with a cake just as a thank you for everything he has done for you and he fell off the chair crying

He cries a lot

Wants to have like 3 more babies with you

102$)43920292772200/10 best mf Daddy

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roomwithanopenfire · 4 months

Text

Six Sentence Sunday

Happy Sunday everyone!! Thanks for the tags @blackberrysummerblog and @artsyunderstudy!!

This week I’ve done the big three: writing, editing, and ignoring my wips, with perhaps a bit more of the last one than I’d like. Most of my writing this week has been for an exchange fic for a different fandom, which I finally finished the rough draft of. Cue the celebration. However, even if I wanted to share anything from that, I can’t, it must remain hush-hush, but I am getting pretty excited to share it (and way more excited about receiving my own exchange fic back, this whole thing is very fun).

I’ve written less than 300 words on my COBB this week, and none of them are good, but I have gotten some editing done of Proof of Life. I can’t share any more snippets of the next chapter though because I’ve shared too much already. So instead, I figured I’d do a bit of a process post this time around, because I always love reading those. Check that out under the cut! (and i'm sorry this is long, i still have not learned brevity)

So my editing process isn’t too crazy, and is brought to you almost entirely by google docs comments. I also use the word ‘editing’ very loosely to encompass rewriting, revising, and proofreading. Sometimes editing means completely rewriting a scene/section, sometimes it just means switching around a couple of words or cleaning up a sentence.

Mostly, I try not to take everything so seriously, because I know that I could edit something forever and ever and never post it if I let myself get too carried away. So I try to keep everything pretty chill. So here’s my steps I go through for each chapter that I edit.

Step One: Reread the whole chapter. While I do this, I’ll leave comments on big picture things. “Maybe move this scene into the next chapter” or “The dialogue in this scene feels stilted” but I don’t add a lot of comments at this point. Once I’m done with this I’ll copy over any comments I had on the first draft or the beta reader copy over into the ‘draft two’ document.

Step Two: COMMENTS. Again, my fics are brought to you by google doc comments. I like to go through from the bottom up, reading scene by scene and leaving comments on pretty much every single sentence.

A lot of the time (read: most of the time) these are really vague like:

And sometimes these are more detailed like:

And occasionally these are compliments

Step Three: Once the whole chapter is filled with comments, I go through scene by scene (in whatever order speaks to me), and rewrite, edit, or fix sections. This part I find really fun, because I’m taking parts that aren’t good yet and I’m making them better. I love fixing things and getting rid of all the comments. It typically ends up being a lot of rewriting, but I always finish a scene feeling better about it then when I started.

For example, here’s the draft one vs. draft two version of a snippet from the first chapter of Proof of Life. This is one of the scenes I pretty much rewrote. Others look a lot more similar to their original versions.

Original:

Edited:

Step Four: Then before I post a chapter, I’ll read through the whole thing and sometimes find smaller bits to fix. Then I’ll run it through a grammar checker and ignore half of their suggestions in the name of ✨style ✨.

Overall, I feel like I have a pretty basic editing strategy and I’m really pleased with it. Even though sometimes I feel like more robust edits would make everything way better, it’s a good mix of fixing things but not spending too much time on it. I remember I spent like a month on editing the very first fic I posted at that was only 6k words. If I kept doing that for everything, I'd never post anything at all. With fanfiction, I know that y'all will be nice to me even though it's never perfect <333

Tags and Hellos!! (I'm unsure if we still need the spaces, but i've been burned too many times lol)

@you-remind-me-of-the-babe @m1ndwinder @facewithoutheart @run-for-chamo-miles @raenestee

@onepintobean @prettygoododds @noblecorgi @hushed-chorus @angelsfalling16

@thewholelemon @monbons @shrekgogurt @brendughh @hertragedyconnoisseur

@beastmonstertitan @valeffelees @horsesarenotdeer @drowninginships @supercutedinosaurs

@fiend-for-culture @rimeswithpurple @cutestkilla @alexalexinii @ileadacharmedlife

@arthurkko @rbkzz @skeedelvee @bookish-bogwitch @brilla-brilla-estrellita

#one day i will make a short wipsday post #today is not the day #listen to all my ramblings everyone #look at my screenshots #i just love the sound of my voice #proof of life #my writing #editing #six sentence sunday #carry on fanfiction #snowbaz

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little-diable · 1 year

Text

Infinity - Negan

My tiktok is filled with Negan edits from dead city, so I had to write another soft Negan drabble – no worries, no spoilers (I'm not watching the show). Please like and reblog if you enjoyed reading this, your comments keep us writers motivated. Enjoy my loves. xxx

Summary: The reader reminds Negan of the love they share

Warnings: none, just some making out and some softer Negan

Pairing: Negan x fem!reader (900 words)

“Hey, look at me.” Her voice didn’t tremble, didn’t give away the overwhelming wave of emotions clashing through her system. The cloudy sky added to the gloomy atmosphere the two were engulfed by, like a translucent veil reminiscent of their past years together. “We’ll make it, like we’ve managed to for a while now.”

His eyes were filled with pain. A pain so blinding, Negan had to swallow down the ever growing lump in his throat. His eyes projected the fear he didn’t dare voice out, the anger he still felt about the world going to shit all these years ago. There was not one ounce of happiness swimming in the pupils that watched her every move, following her around like a shadow.

“Negan,” (y/n) whispered his name, hands cupping his cold cheeks, feeling his salt and pepper beard against her palms. “We’re in this together, together on the run, together stuck in this awful life. And you know what? Being stuck with you makes this life a hundred times more durable.”

A raspy chuckle bubbled out of him, eyes momentarily fluttering close to cling to her soft words. (Y/n)’s thumbs kept stroking his cheeks, not daring to let go of her lover just yet, not when she knew that his mind and body were still filled with pain, pain that had grown stronger ever since losing Lucille, ever since killing all these people, ever since having to run and hide from those that wanted to see him dead. (Y/n) had been right there, for the better part of the years following the start of the apocalypse, listening to Negan’s every fear, lending him a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on.

“I love you, doll. I’m sorry you have to go through this with me.” She shook her head, lips tightly pressed together to keep her frustrated sigh from rumbling through her. Negan had always struggled to give into the emotions that made him appear weak, at least that’s what he called them, he had always struggled to let people in, but with her it had been easy, almost too easy, and yet he still didn’t believe her words.

“How many more times do I have to tell you that I wouldn’t trade a life with you for anything?” It was a whisper, and yet the words rang in his ears louder than shots going off, stronger than the force he had used to bash people’s heads in.

“Don’t say that, we both know it ain’t true.” Her thumbs stopped moving, hands tightening their grip on his face to tilt Negan’s head back up, forcing him to look at her. (Y/n)‘s eyes were filled with determination, a determination so foreign and yet so familiar, wordlessly telling her lover that there was no way out of this conversation.

“Sometimes I wonder if you truly understand the way I love you. There was nothing in my old life I loved as much as I love you. Would I like to get another chance to wake in my old bed, to drink coffee as I listen to the rain pitter pattering against my windows before having to go to work? Of course I would. Would I like to get another chance to hug my parents again, to tell them how much they mean to me? Of course I would, in a heartbeat. But if I’d have to trade you and our relationship for it, I wouldn’t. I’d always choose you, Negan. There’s no me without you.” Tears formed in his eyes, lips trembling as Negan tried to keep breathing, choking on the weight of her words, on the sincerity dripping from her lips like rain falling from the dark sky as a thunderstorm was just about to hit. He reached for one of her hands, pushing it against his chest, allowing (y/n) to feel the racing beat of his heart. She was the reason he kept fighting, the reason he was still breathing the same air she inhaled into her lungs, his end and his beginning.

Negan’s lips met hers, sharing a kiss that managed to give room to all the emotions he couldn’t put into words, the love he felt for her, ever growing like the rising moon. A love so infinite that even the millions of years old stars forming a nebula filled with the brightest colours as they died hadn’t ever seen a love so pure.

Their kiss grew more heated, lips parted to allow their tongues to move, drawing a soft moan from her. (Y/n)’s heart was picking up its beat, roaring in her chest to pump more blood, filling her veins like poison, a poison Negan shared with her, unable to find any antidotes. It was a kiss so raw, so pure, unlike any they’ve shared before.

Her back was pressed against the nearest wall, making her breath hitch in her chest as Negan’s hands found her waist, pushing himself even closer to her trembling frame. Raindrops started to fall from the sky, from the dark clouds that grew more black with every passing moment. They parted from one another, allowing their eyes to wander up to the sky, relishing in the silence for a few moments before Negan pulled her through the rain, set on finding shelter.

The rain will pass, as the upcoming days, weeks, and months will, their lives may change once again, but their love will stick around, only growing stronger.

#Negan imagine #Negan x reader #Negan fluff #the walking dead imagine

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alans-maladaptive-daydreams · 1 year

Text

The monster living in my mind. Yandere!MC x Obey Me brothers.

I've always seen fics of the brothers being yandere, which makes sense, they are demons but I think I also want to see a bit more yandere!mc so I wrote this. I didn't put a specific brother because the use of pacts and magic is a bit involved so it affects all seven equally, feel free to imagine it with whoever you want.

note: I might edit it again later to change the gender of the witch, since I don't feel completely comfortable with the female gender for the lover, I'll see if I can do it another day (cries in college student) I've been doing this for almost 3 months now so I just want to finish it lol.

Warnings: Violence, mutilation of the human body (self-harm and injury to a third party), infidelity, mental illness, insecurity, and insults related to someone's sex life. (I think that's all if there should be anything else I will edit it immediately, suggestions are very welcome). No-native writing, corrections are welcome.

Reader: Gender neutral.

Genre: Yandere and explicit violence.

Masterlist

You had always managed to control those negative feelings that consumed your brain. Those feelings that made you think that the person you loved was betraying you, those same feelings that convinced you that you deserved it because after all you will never be enough.

Although you were a very jealous person, you rarely showed it to your partner. You suffered in silence and sometimes even other people paid the consequences of your moodiness and insecurities.

Your jealousy sometimes terrified you, the thought of ripping the throat out of anyone who had the slightest romantic or sexual interest in your partner was not uncommon in your head. Sometimes your brain played tricks on you, convincing you that you should make them understand that no one would love them more than you. They belonged to you.

You were aware that these thoughts were dangerous, you usually pushed them into the deepest and darkest depths of your being because, in the end, it was all part of your imagination and insecurities.

You had different partners, and none of them gave you a reason to distrust or get violent treatment from you. So even though you brutally disliked certain friends of your exes, you never said a word and preferred to ignore the violent flame inside you.

That was until you met him, a beautiful demon from head to toe who, while you brought out the best in him, he brought out the worst in you.

Many of your insecurities were drowned out as you moved through life together, yet they never completely disappeared.

The violent feelings became almost extinct, but they were still there, waiting to be fulfilled at the right time.

That's why you were visiting your psychologist almost daily, that violent insecurity resurfaced.

It resurfaced like an unstoppable flame, a bomb waiting to explode.

In a constant state of nervousness, your body trembled every time your boyfriend had an attitude that made you distrust him.

It started out as something you chose to ignore, but it never left a good taste in your mouth. All of his devices now had a different password than the one you knew.

When you questioned him, afraid of making him think you were invading his privacy, he simply replied "Security", you didn't dare ask him for the new passwords because you feared it would make you look bad.

Your second sign was his obvious nervousness every time he received a message or a call which, of course, he had to take in private.

It was then that you decided to blindly trust your boyfriend and avoid at any cost those thoughts that were taking away your sanity.

However things became more evident, from cancelled dates, strange looks at RAD, his brothers' nervousness when you asked for his whereabouts, his disappearance for hours at a time with ambiguous explanations. The relationship became weird, to the point that your boyfriend couldn't even look you in the eye every time you met because he didn't even have time for you, in his words; he had too much work to do.

That part of you that you thought you had buried was resurfacing, but much more violent, psychotic and anxious.

It was as if your brain was screaming at you in a loud voice "He's cheating on you, kill that slut so he can see who he's fucking with".

The thought of your beloved boyfriend with someone else disgusted you and made you completely sick.

It was then that something in you changed. You don't know what it was exactly, and you can't explain in what moment you started to think like that. It just happened, it was as if that sick and violent being that had always lived in you had finally found a way out, and you decided to accept it because, after all, that was your reality.

"We're demons, you're stupid for thinking he wouldn't cheat on you. "The demon mocked you as she showed you a video in which her friend, a witch, and your beloved boyfriend were the main characters in a sexual scene so repulsive that your stomach turned inside out creating a pain you never thought you would be able to feel.

With trembling legs and a broken heart, you walked to the bathroom holding back your tears and the vomit that threatened to come out. The demon watched you walk with perhaps the saddest look she had ever seen on you.

As soon as you entered the bathroom, you stuck your head in the sink, completely emptying your stomach.

Your cold fingers ran over the dark circles under your eyes, caused by sleepless nights of overthinking the whole situation. You reached down to your lips, covered in the residue of breakfast, and with a trembling hand, you stilled the sob of pain that shot through you like a bullet.

Tears soon overflowed from your eyes as your heavy breathing forced you to crouch on the floor, making yourself as small as possible, as if that way you could avoid the intense pain you felt. Your fingernails reached your scalp, digging violently into it, causing blood to slowly stain your hands.

"'Son of a bitch" you whispered.

You were going to kill him. Him and his fucking whore.

You were going to eat his brains while his brothers watch your feast.

Or better, you were going to rip every fingernail off his body, every finger, every tooth and make a beautiful necklace.

You'd open his head like a jar and eat his insides for breakfast.

You were going to tear him apart piece by piece. You were going to burn every part of his body that you touched until you saw living flesh.

Although you knew you were only a mere human, you also knew that the pact that bound your souls together was your greatest weapon. You were not the same human that had started the exchange program, you were a powerful sorcerer and you had seen death with your own eyes, you were not afraid. You were going to ruin his fucking life.

"Sometimes demons need a show of dominance to know their place, you must prepare yourself because eventually, that day will come". Your master had told you a long time ago. You never thought that day would come so soon.

You stood up and looked at yourself in the mirror, the wounds on your scalp looked deep enough for blood to drip down your face.

"MC? Fuck, I didn't know you'd get like that, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have shown you that." The demoness approached you with a worried expression. She placed a hand on your back to comfort you.

"No, thanks. I needed to see it."

Your cold tone sent a shiver down the girl's spine, without looking at her you headed for the exit and before you left she said; "Don't blame her, okay? I know you know her and you exchanged a couple of words. She's not a bad person, it was just a mistake."

"I don't give a fuck, he was my fucking boyfriend, she knew that." with that, you walked out of the bathroom and headed straight to the House of Lamentations.

That day you locked yourself in your room and refused to let anyone in. They were all traitors, they always knew about his affair with his mistress and didn't have the balls to tell you.

Every time you remembered how they told you they appreciated you and thanked you for saving their family your stomach would drop. You no longer saw them as your friends, they were just disgusting beings who needed a reminder of who was in charge.

For seven days you didn't sleep, you didn't go to RAD and you didn't eat. For seven days you watched your boyfriend's every move, his whore's every move. Every move was etched in your brain like a tattoo. You didn't need to think about it for a second to recite it out loud.

By the end of the week, everything you had been repressing and controlling for years had come to light. What you had always been was now comfortable in your brain, the insecurity was gone, but the violence was more alive than ever.

At the end of the seventh day, in the middle of the night, what you had always feared became your nature.

You grabbed your bag and left your room, leaving it secured in case any of the brothers tried to break in, a spell that would shatter any limb that even accidentally touched your door.

"MC?" you heard one of his brothers say, but you ignored him. You were too focused on your plan.

Behind the House Of Lamentations was the place where you opened a portal, one straight to her lover's house. You didn't hesitate for a second to walk through it, standing right in the entrance hallway.

Your ears heard what you had always feared.

The familiar moans along with a not-so-familiar voice. The sharp movement of the bed's wood.

The love you had once felt for him disappeared completely.

You walked through the dark house, trusting your hearing until you reached the door.

Before you opened it you contemplated all that you were putting at stake in carrying out your desires. You contemplated whether it was really worth it. However, that little spark of reasoning vanished as soon as it arrived.

You set your bag aside and opened it.

The heavy hammer saw the moonlight for the first time since you had bought it. You held on tight and opened the door.

If at any time your sanity was present during all that suffering, after what you saw that night it not only disappeared, you killed it and buried it deep inside your annihilated and diseased self.

Silently you approached him and the first blow was directly to his head. Knocking him unconscious instantly.

The whore looked at you with frightened eyes and screamed trying to get the heavy body off her.

"Do you like getting into other people's relationships?" you asked, grabbing her hair in a fist and dragging her into the living room.

"You're fucking insane!" she screamed as she kicked and struggled with your violent grip. You lifted her body roughly and slammed her against the hard wall, squatted down and with your hand gripping her hair you forced her to look at you.

"Do you like messing with other people's relationships?" you asked again. She tried to defend herself from you with a pathetic and weak spell. You laughed and grabbed her face violently. "That's your attempt to save yourself? You should put a little more enthusiasm into it, like when you spread your legs like the whore you are."

She perhaps saw that she really couldn't against you, after all she knew who you were and she knew that no one could control the seven princes of hell as easily as you, so she felt that her only solution was to kneel at your feet and beg for forgiveness, praying for sanity to return to your mind, for your humanity to win over that monster that had awoken.

"I'm sorry," she cried, her voice heavy with fear. "I won't get into your relationship again" she grabbed your legs begging for your forgiveness over and over again.

"I hope it was worth it," you muttered as you grabbed her hair again to drag her into the dining room.

"What are you going to do?" she asked between sobs still clutching your arm, in an attempt to loosen your hard grip.

"You'll see." you smiled as you picked her up and slammed her down on the table in the middle of the room, causing her bones to crack slightly. "Or you may not survive to find out." You placed a hand on her chest as she tried to get up quickly and with a simple spell you completely paralyzed her body.

Her eyes widened gigantically and as she tried to scream for help you pulled the rest of your things out of your bag.

"It's no use, try screaming all you want, no one will hear you."

"What the fuck are you doing MC?" The voice of the main character appeared behind you. You turned to see him, blood was pouring from his head and he was in his demonic form in all his glory.

He was the love of your life, but if he couldn't play fair you would have to get rid of him, and you knew it would hurt you more than him.

"Don't worry, you'll be the only audience to this wonderful show I call 'Whore Anatomy, for cheating boyfriends'. Sit down and shut your mouth." He rushed over to you, intending to stop you. "Sit down, and shut your mouth." you repeated in a loud, clear voice. The pact worked its magic and your boyfriend was sitting there staring at you with undecipherable eyes.

"You know I love you, don't you? That's why I'm doing this because I love you and you must not disappoint those who would give their lives for you," you said as you took different things out of your bag.

You looked at all your instruments and thought carefully about what to start with, the excitement made your skin crawl. You didn't expect it to be so exciting.

"So, that's why I'm going to show you that this bitch isn't worth what I'm worth and hasn't done what I've done for you. It will be…educational." your eyes sparkled at the sight of the sharp scalpel. You took it and showed it to your boyfriend. "Pick a portion of the head. Ears, nose, eyes…" your kind smile faded as you saw his expression of fear, your hand slammed violently against his cheek and you repeated. "Choose a portion of the head. Ears, nose or eyes."

"Eyes…" he whispered to your surprise.

"Wow, I didn't expect you to go straight to it." You laughed and approached the witch, who was silently praying. "Stop praying, hoes don't go to heaven." With your fingers you opened her eyelids and showed her the scalpel. "Eyes are a hollow, fibrous globe, we use them to see beautiful things and to see unpleasant things. Whores, like your friend here, use it to track down men in relationships and crawl like a snake to get some cock" you muttered as your scalpel pierced the socket of the girl, who was crying and trying to scream, or so you thought after all her mouth was sealed.

As your sharp scalpel pierced the socket, her quiet cries became more erratic. " Quiet." you murmured, trying not to lose your concentration. Your index finger buried itself in her lacrimal duct pressing hard in an attempt to pry the eye out as cleanly as possible. Blood stained your fingers and the witch's constant attempts at movement were beginning to annoy you. "Stop or I'll cut your fucking eyelids off."

When she calmed down, you took the opportunity to completely bury your finger in the lacrimal, practically ripping the eye out of its socket and cut the nerve that attached it to her body.

You looked at the orb with pride and showed it to your boyfriend. "I pulled it off pretty well, don't you think?"

Your boyfriend looked at you with a strange look on his face, one you couldn't quite figure out. However, the game had only just begun, and the excitement was altering every part of your body.

Morning came, and your boyfriend woke up to the sun shining directly on his face. He looked around when the reality of everything that had happened the night before hit him violently.

"Good morning." You smiled brightly. "Go get changed and make me breakfast, the ingredients are in the freezer." you pointed to the kitchen as you lazily flipped through the channels.

Your boyfriend looked around, everything seemed normal, as if nothing had happened. He was a demon thousands of years old, he'd seen and done some fucked up shit but what he'd seen you do surpassed anything he'd ever lived through.

He've never seen a human look so… happy while mutilating a living person piece by piece.

He had never seen your smile and gaze as bright as it was last night.

He walked over to the fridge and opened the freezer, finding his mistress's frozen head, along with different pieces of her body separated into containers.

"So? Any idea what you're going to make?" you asked as you sat down on the island with a quiet smile.

It was then that he realized who was in front of him.

The monster watched him curiously as they rocked back and forth gently, perhaps trying to soothe the voices that were tormenting their deteriorated mind.

He realized that he had never truly met the depths of your being, that your loving, human form was nothing more than a barrier to prevent the one thing you yourself feared from coming to light.

But now… you seemed comfortable with this new nature of yours.

Too comfortable for his liking.

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cjkie22 · 10 months

Text

A non-exhaustive list of why you should listen to hit dirtbag boyband Bears in Trees:

their music is really amazing. you'll love it.

especially if your Spotify wrapped was on the pov: indie side of things

and even if it wasn't.

songs for every emotion

absolutely beautiful lyrics

sometimes these lyrics make sense. sometimes they don't. that's part of the fun.

songs about platonic love !!!!!

songs for the queers! the aros! the aces! the enbies! the trans community!

my dad likes them. doesn't sound like a lot, but it's an achievement.

(more underneath the break)

iain (bass/vox/lyrics) has "ginger" tattooed on the back of their head. if that isn't iconic I don't know what is.

on the note of iain, they were the first person i was aware of that used they as a pronoun, and that changed my life

they have a discord server! it's a really lovely community. i am not biased in the slightest. (discord.gg/sandbox) (https://discord.com/invite/thesandbox) (i will personally send you an invite i don't actually know what the link is)

they should DEFINITELY be on the heartstopper soundtrack

if I'm remembering correctly in the tiktok where they said they should be on the heartstopper soundtrack, they also said 3 out of 4 of them were in some way queer. seems like a good thing to me.

they opened for you me at six earlier this year. it was my first time seeing them live. and WOW.

I met some of my best friends through this band. I'm not joking; big shout out to the mojo dojo castle house, I'll never forget that weekend.

they're hilarious on the internet

you might cry at several of their songs for a million different reasons

BearBerry records

they have a tumblr blog @/bearsintreesofficial (iirc). I'm not gonna tag them but

BiT gigs are a safe space. I may have almost fainted at my last one (new cross inn, August 2023) but I've never met so many kind strangers and genuinely lovely people

merch is super comfy and really cute.

it gives stardew valley and animal crossing (trust me I'm right)

after the new cross gig (sweatiest gig in the world), despite surely being exhausted, callum (uke/keys/vox) took my bereal and i got my mini lesbian flag signed by them all

I turned out not to be a lesbian, which possibly makes it funnier, but the flag is stuck on my wall still

cryptids would LOVE their band

dash.

there's also a community minecraft server for discord members

BiT postcards !!!!

gosh and the bit stickers

they covered stick season on an Instagram live

they also do the funniest twitch streams

iain and the mountain

the raccoon email address

george (drums/production) is elite. the drum fills in doing this again? iconic. also has a specific really cool shirt I want to steal

wedding. dress. tiktok.

callum doesn't wear shoes on stage. apparently this was common knowledge but it sure surprised me at new cross.

the austrian soft drinks advert

iain make up looks

callum plays the flute. I want to say classically trained flautist but i may be wrong.

none of them have EVER bribed any members of law enforcement

their songs are very tattooable

talking of tattoos, nick (lyrics/guitar/saw him play the uke on stage once) has L + R tattooed on his forearms (iirc). absolute genius and I am stealing it when I get more of my patchwork sleeve done

iain releases solo music to under the name pet yeti. it's ethereal. callum also plays flute on one of them.

trumpet joe

the four of them never look like they are dressed for the same event

someone once edited the bears in trees wiki page to say that Ryan Ross was in their band

silly geese

that time we got singing? poetry? performance art? of THAT harry potter fanfiction

according to tiktok, iain and nick once had to sneak into their own show because they were underage

nurby

I have a video in the depths of my camera roll of them covering Mama by My Chemical Romance on a twitch stream

sonick

all of them give me gender envy at different times

their newest single (bart's bike) features banjo

patreon content

yelling it gets better with a room full of people was a healing experience.

tilly

modern baseball and fall out boy adjacent in my brain

if you like bears in trees you're automatically hot and really cool

they did a song with noahfinnce and its really super good

callum also featured on a myriad song which is also really super good

bit songs feel like coming home. they feel like hot chocolate and a blanket on a cold night. they feel like a warm hug. they feel like surviving and falling in love with life again and overcoming the worst things. they feel like victory, because you didn't think you'd make it to adulthood. but I'm 20 now. and I'm still here. I've almost graduated uni. and that's what bears in trees feels like.

all of their songs!!!! amazing!!!!

please feel free to add to this list. I'm taking suggestions.

#bears in trees #dirtbag boyband #music #bit #bearsintrees #bears in trees core #LISTEN TO THEM #i'm begging you #i love my friends #they make me feel alive again #indie #pov: indie #i'm alive #and thats wonderful

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theflyindutchwoman · 1 year

Text

Do you need…anything? The last 24 hours back. I'm afraid I don't have that power. A hug. Yeah. Come here. It's okay.

| ANATOMY OF A SCENE - CHENFORD EDITION 4.01 - Life and Death

One of my favourite moment… There's something so intimate with this scene, like we're intruding. It's how Tim is particularly attentive and thoughtful, immediately inviting Lucy to stay at his place, so she doesn't end up at her apartment where she would only be reminded of Jackson's death. He's right that she should not be alone and honestly, I don't think he wanted to be by himself either.

It's how, for a little moment, they're back to their usual bickering, fighting over who sleeps on the coach and Lucy not caving in… But there's also this uncertainty between them : Tim wants to help but doesn't know how and Lucy looks completely lost. Her little comment about wanting the 24 hours back is so reminiscent of her wish for a time machine back in Now and Then… Her request for a hug is so bold and so hesitant at the same time, as if she blurted it before realising what she just said. Only he doesnt let her take it back because this is something he can do for her. If he can give her some comfort, he's absolutely going to do it. I sometimes feel like this moment is a window into what he might have wanted to do back after Day of Death. But they weren't as close then.

It's how this hug is so soft, between the little come here, the way he seems to envelop her, his hand in her hair… It doesn't last very long but it's enough to send them into a spiral. The moment they pull away and are just staring into each other's eyes… It's full of tension. Tim looks almost breathless. They're this close to share a kiss before he turns away completely. The pining after that… Both in their bed, fidgeting and looking towards the other's direction, itching to go there… Lucy getting up before hearing Tim on the phone and sitting right back down…

It's how this was a moment full of possibilities, at the wrong time. And to me, this is really where it all began for them. When they started realising that there might be more to their bond than mere friendship. That longing just hit them in the face and they suddenly didn't know what was happening. But once Tim got that phone call, this realisation took a backseat. Maybe it was because none of them were in the right emotional space… Maybe they were scared to risk losing the other right after losing a friend… Maybe they thought it was unrequited… Maybe a little bit of all the above. Whatever it was, they got back to their old dynamic. Or at least, tried to. But the shift was still there. Even after Lucy became Tim's aide and once again, his direct subordinate. They still became much closer. Lucy no longer had Jackson and Angela was busy with her family. They did things outside work, much more personal than paintballing, like fixing a childhood home or going on a double date… It's how this hug planted the seed that blossomed for a season… before a kiss turned everything upside down.

#the rookie #chenford #chenfordedit #chenford edit #lucy chen #tim bradford #4.01 #Anatomy of a scene - Chenford Edition

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bp-zb1fics · 1 year

Note

can I request zihao x slightly older reader (by a year or two) university au where the reader courts him instead because they know zihao reciprocates their feelings but is too shy to make a move? I don't mind if it's gender neutral or female reader. whatever you're comfortable with <3

Sunbaenim~

pairing: dance major wang zihao x film major sunbae reader

pronouns: none used

genre: university au on some crack (same verse as perils of asking) , fluff, humor

tw/tags: some pining, flirting, reader is older than zihao by a year, honorifics, etiquette, a lot of bowing, pray for zhang hao, chaos, kinda slow burn idk, zihao tries his best in korean, mentions of alcohol, cafe date, feeding each other, for plot purposes reader has lived in korea for a long time but you can pretend whether they're from there or moved from overseas!

wc: 3132

summary: you’re wondering why the cute boy from the dance studio hasn’t asked you out. well, guess you'll have to ask him first~

a/n thanks for requesting our underrated dance king wang zihao, man was really robbed of screentime. i kind of experiment with the first part, jumping between povs without any line breaks and then kinda gave up, idk if that worked well lol. zihao's language struggles are canon, literally same ~ also! i'm not an expert in korean hierarchy rules and dating culture, this is based on the fair bit of studying i did + dating experience + research so if anyone knows better, please feel free to point out any inaccuracies!

Check my pinned for more fics~

He’s looking at you again.

You can see him from the corner where you set up your tripod. Practice is about to begin, dancers scattered across the studio all warming up and not minding you. (I mean, they’re not supposed to). Only him. You catch his eyes. His face flushes and he drops into a bow before falling back into his own stretches. But every so often, his eyes will flick back to you, usually too quick for you to catch them.

It’s almost a routine at this point, a silent ritual you share with the cute boy who dances so powerfully.

Maybe you’re biased but more often than not, you find yourself pointing your handheld camera in his direction. You’re not looking at him the way he looks at you. Rather, you watch through the screen, while you’re editing and cataloguing footage. He’s easy to watch.

Sometimes, while you’re packing up, you’ll hear a soft “sunbaenim?” You turn around and he’s standing there. His cheeks are still flushed from practice when he politely asks you for the videos you took of him. It’s not uncommon. You send the full practice videos you take to the dance teachers in exchange for them letting you film. But every so often, students will come up and ask if you have any closer footage of them, wanting to monitor themselves.

He never questions why the videos you send to him are so close up, almost always individually shot footage that has him in the centre of the frame. No, he just bows, thanks you again and leaves, shooting you once last backward glance before he walks out of the studio.

It’s not that Zihao doesn’t want to talk to you.

If anything, he’s wanted to talk to you ever since you started coming to his class. He still remembers the teacher introducing you as a film masters student and saying that you’ve been at the university longer than most of them, making you their sunbaenim. It was a respect thing, he understood. Similar etiquette around senior-junior relationships applied in China as well but he wasn’t as well adjusted to the nuances of the Korean rules

He only transferred about a year and a half ago when he was given the chance to finish his degree in this particularly prestigious program. While basic language skills got him through his mostly practical classes which a bunch of other international students like him were taking, social interactions were another challenge altogether.

“I don’t know what to do, ge.”

“Well you can always start by saying more than may I have the close up choreography videos, sunbaenim? Honestly, I teach you how to say one thing Zihao, and that’s all you can say.”

The younger boy pouts. Zhang Hao had been a literal lifesaver when he had transferred. And well, up until now. They had met at the foreign student society, the older boy had also been at the university for awhile, now studying a masters degree as well. And he spoke excellent Korean, Zihao’s favourite, albeit somewhat reluctant, teacher and translator.

“Ge! You know I can’t speak Korean when I get nervous.”

“You can Zihao, you’re just scared of messing up.”

“Exactly! I can’t mess up with them, ge, they might think I’m weird or something.”

“Zihao. They’ve literally caught you staring at them, multiple times. If they don’t find that weird, then I think you could literally say anything and they’ll just be happy that you’re trying to talk with them. And if they find it weird, then I don’t think you’ll need to understand Korean to get it.”

Zhang Hao made good points. Zihao kinda wished he didn’t.

Meanwhile, you’re in the middle of your own crisis.

“I just don’t get it,” you say as you comb through your footage. “We’ve had this thing going on for weeks. Why hasn’t he asked me out yet? Or you know, at least said something more than asking for the choreo videos? You know, maybe I’ve been reading all of this wrong, maybe he’s not into me at all. Maybe he’s just interested in cameras or something.”

Jiwoong hums. You’ve known each other for awhile, having started masters at the same time which made you colleagues even if he was two years your senior. He was an acting major, your classes often worked together.

“From what you’ve been telling me, I think the kid’s just shy, not uninterested.”

“You think?”

You’re editing yet another clip of him, the energy he exudes is just mesmerising. Once again, you’re not biased. The master’s thesis project you were working on centred around capturing the dynamics of body movement and that’s exactly what you were doing.

Jiwoong peeks over your shoulder.

“I think you should ask him out. Or you know, at least make the first move. You’re the sunbaenim after all.”

While he can be a little dumb, Kim Jiwoong makes good points sometimes. You kinda wish now wasn’t one of those times. But what the hell, you’ll give it a shot.

And if it goes to hell, then you’ll take a shot. Or twenty.

Maybe Zihao should have taken something to make the conversation he’s going to attempt to have easier.

No, he doesn’t mean alcohol, though a bit of liquid courage didn’t sound like a bad idea either. Maybe offering you a hot pack for the cold weather outside or even a little snack would be a nice gesture, start him off on the right foot to talk about something simple like the weather or if you’ve eaten.

Unfortunately, Zihao has neither of those things and therefore, no easy conversation starters. The only thing he has as he walks towards you after class is sheer determination and a voice at the back of his head that sounds vaguely like Zhang Hao telling him to go for it.

“Closeup choreography videos?” You ask before he does, metaphorically pulling the imaginary rug from under him. Whatever half-assed thing he was planning to say promptly disappears from his brain.

“Uh..uhm…yes!” Great, Zihao. Actually no, not great.

“Sunbaenim! Yes sunbaenim, thank you!” He adds belatedly, wincing as he bows in apology.

When he finally looks up, you don’t seem mad at him for forgetting the honorific. Rather,there’s a small smile on your face as you send him the videos.

“You dance really well by the way. I always have a fun time filming you.” You say as Zihao is about to thank you for the videos. Ah, there goes the rug again.

“I like your videos.” He manages. I like you. No Zihao, stop. “You do them very good.”

Yeah he definitely needs to work on his Korean. And on being less nervous, maybe, but he’s not sure if he can do anything about that.

“Oh thank you,” You smile even more and his heart really won’t stop jumping. “I hope so.”

He watches as you place the last of your filming equipment into the large bag you bring everytime you come to the studio. Ah, there’s an idea.

“Can I…” You look at him and really, why is he so nervous? “Do you need help with…?”

He gestures at the bag, the exact Korean words escaping him again.

“Oh my bag?”

“Yes! Your bag!....sunbaenim.”

“Ah it’s okay,” you say and Zihao feels his enthusiasm dampen just a little bit. You pause before saying:

“We should talk more. I can text you if that’s okay?”

It takes Zihao a few seconds to translate that and a few more for the meaning of it to sink in.

“Ah yes! It’s okay!”

Maybe he’s a little too enthusiastic now but you don’t seem to mind, the corners of your mouth quirking upward.

“Okay, please wait for my message. I’ll get going first, see you Zihao!”

He waves back and just like that, you’re gone and maybe Zihao’s smiling a little too much but he doesn’t care. He did it. He actually talked to you. And you want to text him which means you want to talk more. The dancer practically bounces out of the studio, reaching for his phone when another thought dawns on him.

Speaking a language was one thing. Texting was a whole other. What if you used abbreviations or slangs that he didn’t know? Are there rules? How long should he wait before replying back?

Zihao moves on auto-pilot, dialling the number and not even waiting for the other person to speak when the call picks up.

“Hao-ge!”

“Aiya, what do you want from me now?”

__________________________________________

“He looked so surprised when I complimented his dancing. I think he got nervous, the way he speaks is so cute. I wonder if I had that much trouble speaking when I first moved here. And he offered to carry my bag, I mean, how sweet is that? Like, I really thought he’d be weirded out when I asked if I could text him out of nowhere but he looked so happy about it….”

Jiwoong just keeps nodding as you ramble about the progress you’ve made with Zihao. Well, it’s one extended conversation but progress is progress. Your phone chimes and you literally stop everything you’re doing to open it. Your friend watches as your expression turns fond. You eagerly type back a response, send it and go back to your laptop, just a little more chipper than before if that’s even possible.

“So I take that everything is going well?”

“Mhmm, we’re hanging out after his next class where I’m scheduled to be filming. I asked if he wanted to get coffee at the cafe near his studio. My treat.”

“That sounds good, should I join as well?”

“Respectfully no, and even if you did, you should be paying for both of us as the eldest one.”

“Hmmph”

“Look, I know you think you’re cute but-”

“I know I’m cute. I mean come on, look at me.”

“Oh I’m looking and I’m not really seeing it, sorry.”

“Ah, I see how it is. I’m sorry I’m not a dancer with-”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.”

Jiwoong finishes the sentence.

Zihao, on the other hand, is currently figuring out how to form a coherent sentence. Luckily he’s got help.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today-”

“Matthew-ah, I love you but please don’t start.”

“Wait. So why are we gathered here today?”

Zhang Hao looked so done. No one was blaming him though. Zihao had bargained, begged and bribed the older boy for a crash course into the wonderful world that is Korean texting and well, dating etiquette. He did not want to mess this up.

And because Zhang Hao is an angel and loves him very much, Zihao is now in the capable hands of Seok Matthew, vice president of the foreign student society and Sung Hanbin, the university’s mr. popular because he’s literally friends with everyone. His Hao-ge graciously agreed to preside over their session as the designated Zihao translator. And Kuanjui was there for moral support. Actually, Zihao didn’t know why he was here but he’ll take what he can get.

“I asked Hao-hyung for help.” He said, the nerves returning when they all look at him. “And he called you to teach me how to..how to…”

He doesn’t even need to look at Zhang Hao for help before the older one smoothly takes over. Wow, he is an angel.

“Zihao wants to learn how texting works because he’s finally talking to the person that’s been making him go 심쿵 for weeks”

“Yes!” Zihao adds enthusiastically before pausing. “...what does 심쿵 mean?”

“Wah, you used to be like that Hao-hyung.”

“Excuse me, I was not.”

“Oh true, hyung never asked for help when he didn’t understand something. He just looked it up, went home and studied another hundred vocabulary.”

Zhang Hao had a lot of patience but Zihao’s pushed his limits enough to see when the older boy begins to contemplate murder.

“Thank you in advance for your help, sunbaenims!” He says loudly, dropping into a low bow.

Kuanjui whistles from the corner he was stretching in. Zihao almost forgot he was there.

“A little too low, Zihao, if you had straightened your back more, it would have been a perfect 90 degrees.”

“We’re the same age, Zihao-ssi.” Hanbin says kindly.

“Does vice president count as being his sunbaenim?” Matthew asks, now looking a little confused himself.

Zhang Hao just sighs very deeply.

Regardless, Zihao learned a lot that day. Sung Hanbin is a very good teacher and Matthew has a lot of helpful tips on what he can do if he forgets a Korean word. Zhang Hao patiently translates everything he wants to say. And Kuanjui teaches him how to do a perfect 90 degree bow because why not?

*심쿵 [sim-kung/shim-koong] - when your heart races because of something/someone you find exciting/thrilling/shocking

__________________________________________

Texting Zihao is fun.

He seems to favour using those cute little emojis especially when you know he’s trying to describe something that he can’t seem to remember the word for in Korean. His texting slang is surprisingly on point, though it interchanges with very formal speech. Not that it bothers you obviously, it’s quite endearing.

And before you know it, you’re on your way to the dance studio, a little more excited than usual since you’ll be hanging out with Zihao after. You fall into your usual routine. Greeting the teacher, choosing a corner, setting up your tripod as the students file in.

When he walks through the door, you give him a wave and he stops in his tracks. A pretty smile spreads across his face and he waves back before freezing and greeting the teacher and you with 90-degree bows. You stifle a laugh. Cute and respectful, literally everything you could want in a man.

Once class begins, you fall back into your roles. You’re professionals after all.

“Ready to go?” You ask when he approaches you after, still in the middle of putting away your equipment.

“Ah, one moment? I…” He falters and gestures at his bag and then himself. “I fix my…in the…”

“No worries, I’ll wait for you.” You figured he might need a few minutes to freshen up. He rushes off and you take your time packing everything up. You fix your hair in the studio mirror and reapply lip balm, not wanting them chapped especially in the winter wind. Maybe you’ve dressed up a little nicer than you usually do, wearing one of your favourite sweaters since the colour compliments your skin.

You hear his footsteps approaching the studio. When he walks in, it’s you who needs to take a few seconds. Somehow, he’s managed to change from the rolled up sweats and t-shirts that he usually wears to class into a white turtleneck, denim jacket and jeans. It’s very boyfriend. He’s even got glasses, white frames perched on his nose. While you don’t know if they actually help him see better, they’re definitely not doing anything to help your poor heart.

“You look nice, very handsome~” you add playfully because honesty is the best policy.

His cheeks flush and this time you know it isn’t from dancing.

“Ah, thank you sunbaenim.” You swear that he gives you a one-over before saying, “you too.”

At this point, you should probably tell him that it’s okay to speak to you more casually. Though it might be difficult, you know, as a foreigner to adjust from formal to casual speech. And there’s something about the way he says sunbaenim that you find so endearing so you let it be. Maybe after the next date.

“May I help you with your bag?” He offers, just like the last time although the line seems more practised now.

“Ah, no it’s okay, really.” You tell him as you both begin to walk out of the studio. “It’s not that I don’t want to but the equipment inside is quite fragile so I just like to hold it myself so I don’t worry.”

“I’ll be careful?” he offers tentatively, really, his smile is so precious.

“Maybe next time.” You say which seems to satisfy him.

Talking with Zihao is just as fun as texting him, if not more.

He’s a little awkward but he listens so attentively when you talk. The gestures he falls back on when he can’t find a word and the way his face lights up when you find it for him, asking to hear it again and repeating after you.

The cafe is cosy. You ask him for his order and pretend not to see or hear him when he tries to pay. But you let him bring the pastries to your table, sitting across him tucked away in a little corner with plush seats, your legs nearly touching. It’s quiet for a moment, he’s looking down at his fingers with a shy smile and you? Well you’re looking at him.

“Shall we eat?”

“Ah, sunbaenim should go first.”

Even though you insist it’s fine, he still waits for you to take a bite before he tucks into his food. It’s good. The lychee cake you chose is not too sweet, the cream light and fluffy and just right. The sound you make must have been louder than you thought because Zihao’s eyes flick up to you immediately.

“It’s really good,” you tell him. Then, a slightly risky idea pops into your head. You take the risk.

“Do you want to try some?”

You take a forkful and hold it up to him. He leans in without thinking, basically letting you feed him. The action must have clicked a moment later because he freezes mid-chew, looking at you with wide eyes as you giggle.

“It’s good right?”

He nods, swallowing. Then, he takes a forkful of his own pastry and offers it to you with another shy smile.

“Do you want to try, sunbaenim?” He parrots your words.

Now, it’s your turn to fluster, not expecting your actions to be returned so directly. Still, you lean him and let him feed you as well. Flavours burst in your mouth and you let yourself express it to him, giving a thumbs-up.

The rest of your date goes similarly. Almost too well, you think. It’s arguably one of the best dates you’ve been on since you started university but maybe you’re biased, who knows?

“Let’s see each other again, yeah?”

If Zihao’s smile can get any wider, it definitely does, he nods so fast you’re worried he might strain his own neck.

“I want to see sunbaenim again~” He says cutely.

Maybe it’s a little too soon but you’re already thinking of confessing the feelings you both know are there next time. Maybe you’ll even try and hold his hand. Regardless, there’s no ending in this film where Wang Zihao doesn’t become your boyfriend.

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leynaeithnea · 2 months

Note

Question

Are there other musicals that you like a lot ? ( If yes you're very welcome to yap about them 🙃 )

Im so behind on musicals ngl lmaooo and none of the ones I've watched ever caused such hyperfocus obsession as Epic, back in 2020 (?) I listened a LOT to hamiltion, its a really great musical, "Who lives who dies who tells your story" still makes me tear up as well as "quiet uptwn", and im still avoiding phillips songs, "Wait for it" is probably one of my favorite songs because a lot of the time I can really relate to Burrs sentiment, and "dear theodorisa" is so beautiful....mmhh, many many good songs there! could probabyl ramble a bunch more abotu them, but my love for them dont reach as deep as for epic i also like some songs from a few other musicals, evan hansen (they accompanied me a lot through 2021) , be more chill, heathers, .....OH yeah i love hazbin hotel, thats a lot of fun, but yeah for those kind of except hazbin bc its a show, i just tend to pick out my favorite songs and im not too much into the rest of them mhhhh besides that Ive been going to musicals and plays with my family for as long as i can remember to some local stages, theres a big-ish small one near my moms where we went regularly for years with elementary school and in private and at my dads we would go to the christmas play/musical almost ever year at the local stage there with my whole family there I miss that tbh, i gotta do that more often since im watching Casper and Mortius a lot right now who do a lot of muscial content im probably going to get to know a few others soon, like hadestown (been aware of it for a while but never really got into it) and SIX Oh I forgorrr, sometime around christmas or so a concept album for a christian musical came out and i was obssessed with that for a week or two, the vocals in that are REALLY good, its called "Of Ashes", and its a retelling of the leper and uh...a story about a whore...? (...yeah no im not that familiar with the bible) im also not that religious or christian but it rly is a great musical and has some amazingggg vocals my obssesion with epic makes me realize i shouldve really been a theatre kid, i was a choir kid up until 10th grade and i really miss that but i rly love acting, i just need a LOT of practice and i also suck at improvisation....im..trying, but its a looot easier when i have a script I can follow, thats why acitng out epic wiht my friend was so fun! bc i knew what was coming and because we didnt really discuss it long beforehand so stagefright and overthinking about being perceived didnt kick in seigjseg ...and it was just the two of us so that helped too...ANYWYA yeah i gotta go to cultural events like choir and theatre stuff soo much often and try to get active in them myself... pfffttt, here i was thinking my response to this would be very short bc "i dont know that many other musicals" .....thank you for the ask 💗

EDIT: the one BIG Stage Musical i watched was "starlight express" as a kid, that was a LOT of fun, i gotta go to one of these again

#leyanswers #musical theatre #musicals

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anxious-witch · 10 months

Text

Inertia 7

Summary: Newton's first law expresses the principle of inertia: the natural behavior of a body is to move in a straight line at constant speed. In the absence of outside influences, a body's motion preserves the status quo.

Jan choose a direction of his life the moment he walked out of his parents house and cut all contact with them. He didn't want anything to do with them, or God anymore. Even his soulmark he wished he could leave behind. But when Nace Jordan joins the band, with a mark matching his own, can Jan keep going the same way he did? Or will the force make him change a direction?

Pairings: Jan Peteh/Nace Jordan

Warnings: None, I think? Please do tell me if I'm wrong I'll edit ot immediately

Notes: AO3 link

urprise! Early update of the last chapter. Thank you everyone who made it this far, especially people who consistently commented throughout. I have several things to say before you jump right in.

1) I am aware JO didn't actually preform at the EMA, but since this is already and au and I really liked the concept of the scene, it is here. Just roll with it 2) There will (hopefully) be two fics following this one, one with the focus on Bojan and the other on Kris. I am not sure exactly when I'll be writing and post them though, since December is quite busy, but until then, at least this is finished.

Anyway, this part is pretty much all fluff and very cheesy at the end, but I figured we all deserved it after all the angst

I believe that witness is a magnitude of vulnerability. That when I say love what I mean is not a feeling nor promise of a feeling. I believe in attention. My love for you is a monolith of try.

The woman I love pays an inordinate amount of attention to large and small objects. She is not described by anything. Because I could not mean anything else,

she knows exactly what I mean.

Once upon a time a line saw itself clear to its end. I have seen the shape of happiness. (y=mx+b) I am holding it. It is your hand.

What Space Faith Can Occupy By TC Tolbert

Jan wondered if light green walls of the therapist's office were suppose to somehow elevate the space. Made it seem more colorful.

Personally, it only reminded him more if a hospital.

Still, just as in all previous sessions, he had to remind himself he wasn't there just for himself. Kris had been genuinely worried after his breakdown. Jure and Bojan didn't know about it, but they likely suspected something had transpired.

He would need to tell Bojan about him and Nace eventually. But that, at least, was a problem for future Jan.

There was also Nace to think about. In the past three weeks, there had been slow, almost painful progress made between them. Still, he was trying. That counted for something, right?

He turned his attention back to the matter at hand.

His therapist was a young woman, Jan would guess somewhere in her thirties. She hat jet black hair and looked perfectly put together. She reminded him of Kris in that regard.

Which made sense, considering he only got a spot so quickly due to Kris' connections. Jan really, really didn't want to think about how he managed that.

"So, Jan," Nina said, "do you want us to continue on where we stopped last time, or do you have something from this week you'd like to discuss?"

Her voice was unkind, or even cold, but Jan still had to force himself to talk sometimes. His trust issues weighted heavily on him in moment like these.

"Well, no. Except that Nace and I actually went to play basketball, but I mentioned we will last week anyway."

Nina patiently waited for him to continue. When he didn't, she spoke again.

"How was it?"

Jan sighed. It was awful. Jan felt genuinely bad for even going along with it, considering how much Nace hated any sport that you had to play with the ball. It ended when Nace didn't manage to catch the ball one time Jan threw it. It hit him in the face and made his nose bleed.

Jan supposed there was a metaphor there somewhere.

"It wasn't great. Nace is...really bad at basketball."

She quickly wrote something down and Jan tried his best not to feel judged.

"And how did you feel about it?"

"Shitty, I guess. I didn't make him play, but it kind of felt like I did."

Nina tapped her pen to the notes.

"From what I have here, it seems Nace usually initiates these activities and they seem to be activities you like. Am I correct?"

Jan shrugged.

"Yes."

"And what do you think about that?"

How many times could she ask him that? Wasn't she supposed to tell him what to think about that? Jan felt increasingly annoyed.

"Why do you keep asking that? If you want to say something, then say it."

She pursed her lips.

"I am not here to tell you how to feel, Jan. I am here to help you verbalize it."

That was the dumbest fucking answer he ever heard.

"I already said I feel bad about it. What more do you want me to say?"

"Have you thought about doing the same for him?"

Jan paused. He haven't. Or well-he had, but he wasn't really sure there was an activity Nace liked that they could do together.

"I don't know if we have anything in common. Other than music, I mean. I know he is trying, but maybe this wasn't a good idea, after all."

Nina nodded, his face neutral. Always so goddamn neutral.

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"What, and break his heart? He'd just try even harder. I don't-"

I don't know what to say to make him give up on me. Jan clenched his teeth.

"I think you should consider trying one of his activity. Surely, there is something he likes that you don't hate."

Jan took in a deep breath. He was fighting the urge to mess up his nails even more, but if he started bleeding during practice again, even Bojan will notice.

"I guess. But that doesn't solve the main issue, does it?"

Nina sighed.

"Alright. How about you think about it, and we talk about something else for the rest od the session?"

Jan agreed and they moved on, but the thought stayed with him. Was he simply not putting enough effort?

The question haunted him enough for him to drive to Nace's apartment few hours later. He only sent him a text asking if he was home, and once he got a confirmation, he sat in the car and drove here.

It was probably rude, but Jan figured that if Nace had an issue with him being rude, they wouldn't be here in the first place.

It wasn't until he rang the doorbell and heard the barking did he remember Nace had a dog. Ollie.

He knew that, of course. It was just that the two of them usually met outside of Nace's apartment and several times they came here, Ollie was being babysat by Nace's sister.

Well. Jan supposed it was bound to happen to or later. If Ollie hated him, did that mean he was immediately disqualified from soulmate status?

Nace opened the door, trying to keep Ollie from rushing into the hallway. Jan felt caught off guard, despite the fact that he was the one who rang the doorbell.

Nace was wearing a tank top. Had Jan ever seen him in one before?

"Please get in before he runs out, I don't feel like trying to catch him."

Jan quickly stepped into the apartment and Nace closed the door behind him. The Nace carefully let Ollie come closer.

Jan kneeled down, offering his hand for him to sniff at. He liked dogs well enough, but he was always at a bit of a loss on what to do with them.

Cats you had to build a bond with. Usually just being in their general vicinity was enough at the start. You let them come to you. Even if you offered them treats, you had to leave them at the same distance at first.

Dogs? Dogs were unpredictable. They could love you or hate you your smell. Or whatever it was that they could feel around you.

"Dogs can always tell if a person is good or bad", his brother used to say. Jan, who had dogs both love and hate him for no clear-cut reasons over the years, couldn't quite agree.

Dogs could feel something, certainly. But that something was only a first impression and they choose that intangible thing as a base to be loyal or not.

Cats, at least got to know you first before making any judgments.

Ollie sniffed his hand and cocked his head to the side, as if trying to gauge if he was alright or not.

"Hello," Jan said awkwardly.

Ollie came closer, nudging his snout against his hand and Jan carefully petted him on the head, waiting to see the reaction. When he started wagging his tail, Jan felt relieved.

Nace's dog hating him wasn't something he wished to deal with. There were plenty of other things that made him want to turn back and run away.

"He seems to like you," Nace said softly.

One bad call he share with his owner, Jan thought grimly as he stood up.

"That's good. I think we should talk."

Nace sighed.

"As much as I love how direct you are, that sounds very ominous."

Jan simply took his shoes off and shrugged off his jacket.

Ollie followed them as they went into the living room. Jan wondered if they were creating some sort of bad karma for the place, having all their fucked up conversations here.

Or perhaps he spent too much time around Bojan and his superstitiousness was starting to rub off of him.

"Do you want something to drink first or-"

"How about we just get this over with and then after you can offer me stuff if you want me to stay?"

Nace awkwardly sank into the couch, far enough that Jan would have to stretch to be able to touch him, despite his long arms. Was it for his own comfort, or for Jan's?

They were closer physically since they talked the last time. Sitting closer, hand brushing against each other, squeezing each other's shoulders on occasion. That sort of thing.

Now, though, there was no of that. As if Nace was already getting used to the distance. Which Jan supposed was fair, even if he felt a familiar burning at the soulmark.

Before Jan could say anything, though, Ollie jumped on the couch and attempted to nuzzled at his chest. Jan felt thrown off balance a bit as he petted him, which only prompted Ollie to settle in his lap.

"I don't think I am doing this whole thing right," Jan confessed, not taking his eyes off Ollie.

"Could you please be more specific?"

Jan scratched behind Ollies ear. Matej's dog liked that. Ollie made a content sound so Jan continued.

"You keep putting so much effort into liking things that I like and trying them out. And I-I mean I can do it too, but I don't know if it's even right. Like, shouldn't we already have matching interests? Is it even healthy if we both have to change?"

He took his hands off Ollie and clenched them in frustration. He hated how his tongue always felt like lead when he was supposed to talk about these things. He harshly pulled at his hair and tied it back with the tie around his wrist.

"This works like any other relationship would, Jan."

Jan scoffed.

"Does it? I don't remember any of my friends tailoring their interests to fit me."

Nace took in a deep breath. Jan learned he always did that when he was frustrated, like he was stopping himself from saying anything before he was ready.

"Really? Kris never tried listening to metal for you? He knows you favorite brand of tea on accident? You always keep ear plugs in your car if he gets overstimulated because, what? You did that before you were friends?"

Jan felt speechless.

"That's-

"Different? Yeah, of course it is, because this is Kris we are talking about."

Nace sounded resigned. Hurt, even. Jan slowly looked at him, but now it was Nace avoiding his gaze. He was staring at his hands, his expression troubled.

"I don't mean to say discard your and Kris' friendship. I think it's amazing you have him, but I'm jealous. Not because I think there is anything going on, but because you seem to allow others to get close to you while keep me at arms length. And I don't know what to do at this point to change your mind."

Jan's heart squeezed painfully. He never heard Nace so resigned. He was always the one to try and find a solution and not give up.

He gently set Ollie on the couch, despite his small, protesting whine. Then he stood up sat closer to Nace. Close enough that their shoulders touched. This time, he was the one to take Nace's hands in his.

"I'm sorry. You are right."

Nace's head slowly rose, like he barely dared to be hopeful and look at Jan straight on.

"I was, well I am scared. We said we'll be friends, but I don't think I can be your friend. From the moment we met, I kept you at arm length and for one single moment I didn't, we ended up hooking up. You terrify me, Nace."

Nace's breath stuttered. Jan leaned his forehead against Nace's and closed his eyes.

"I had all but convinced myself everything about soulmates was bullshit, that all that was stories and people kept confirming them because they were desperate for it to be true. But that was all it was, a placebo effect. And then you came along. Shattered everything I thought I knew."

For a moment, there was silence. Then Nace's hand touched his neck, just a bit below the soulmark. Jan took in a deep, shuddering breath.

"May I?"

"Yes."

The first time Nace touched the soulmark, Jan was too terrified to even appreciate the sensation. But he did now. The feeling was warm and safe. Jan expected his heart to race, but instead it calmed down, as if soothed by Nace's touch.

Something about a gesture made something deep inside him uncoil and words just started pouring out of him.

"When I was fifteen, I started secretly listening to metal. The first time I did, I felt so guilty, I ended up crying and not allowing myself to eat for a day, as a penance. For weeks, I had been worse off than if I had never listened to it. It took me months to gather the courage to try again."

Jan hoped Nace would understand he was saying. He wasn't sure he could say it outright. Nace hummed.

"You are afraid, but you also know that doesn't mean this is bad because you are afraid."

Jan nodded, but Nace didn't say anything immediately after. When he finally spoke, he didn't say what Jan expected him to.

"When I was twelve, I was bullied a lot because of my weight. I remember being terrified of going to school. The only place I felt safe in was the church, because nobody bullied me there. I felt safe. Even if the conditions and rules weren't perfect, it was still better."

Jan opened his eyes, almost indignantly.

"I am not a church."

Nace cracked a small smile.

"No. But you are a safe space, even if the conditions and rules you impose aren't perfect."

Jan's answer was to kiss him. Not roughly, like he did before, but softly and slowly. Giving Nace time to pull away.

He didn't, instead he kissed him back and pulled him closer. One of Jan's hands curled around Nace's nape and the other reached for his wrist. He knew exact moment he touched his soulmark, because Nace shivered.

The only way Jan could describe the feeling was that the bond between them sang. Like the world slightly tilted and found a perfect balance.

Like they were perfect together.

Jan had to pull back from the kiss, fighting a near overwhelming fear that washed over him. Nace didn't let him go far this time, instead pulling him in a hug.

"It's okay."

Nace's voice was soft, and he was warm and comfortable and it was almost unbearable.

"I know it's fucking okay," Jan said, his voice breaking.

He buried his head in Nace's chest and hope he didn't feel the tears soaking his shirt. Nace didn't say anything after that, he simply held him as he cried.

Until the tears dried out and the fear slightly pulled back. Still, some doubts remained.

"What if the rules and conditions can't be improved anymore? What if this is just...who I am?"

He pulled back a bit, to study Nace's face as he answered. Unexpectedly, Nace grinned.

"Well, if a church gets a new priest-"

Jan rolled his eyes at the awful joke.

"You've been hanging with Bojan too much."

Nace was still grinning.

"A priest can also recommend new way of worship-"

Jan groaned loudly and pushed Nace back, so he landed on his back, laughing openly. He had a beautiful, infectious laugh that Jan couldn't help but laugh along as well.

"Please don't use church metaphors anymore. They are awful."

Nace stretched his arms over his head, exposing his muscles and tattoos even more. Jan couldn't help, but let his gaze linger on them.

"Make me."

Jan was never the one to avoid temptation. And Nace had always been so tempting. Almost like a red apple in a garden without color. Jan leaned down and kissed him again.

Nace melted into the kiss and reached out to him again. His hands reached Jan's hair and Jan tense slightly, but Nace gently pulled at the tie, until his hair spilled from the ponytail.

Jan was distracted enough by the kiss to let him. He wanted Nace closer and-

They were interrupted by a loud, insistent whine. Jan pulled back enough to look in the direction it came from, finding Ollie looking at them with the saddest expression he could possibly muster.

Nace burst out laughing, his whole body shaking.

"I think he doesn't like me hogging his new favorite."

Jan chuckled, sitting back up. He held his hand out and petted Ollie gently, immediately receiving a lick on his hand.

"Maybe I could have some sort of tea, if the offer still stands," Jan said, not looking away from Ollie.

"It absolutely does. I have mint tea Kris mentioned you liked."

Traitor, Jan thought, giving away my secrets.

"Nace?"

"Yeah?"

"Which one is your favorite?"

Jan turned his head to look, catching a surprise that flitted across his face before it melted in a soft smile.

"Probably chamomile."

Of course. The calming thing one always drank when they felt unwell to soothe and comfort. It fit him.

"I'll remember that."

With that Nace went into the kitchen, and Ollie brough Jan a ball he could throw for him. Jan took in a deep breath, feeling as if he just climbed a mountain. Whatever happened after this, he had a feeling he could handle after.

As terrifying as it could get.

Jan was nervously tapping his fingers against the wheel, resisting the urge to bite his nails. It was not a smart thing to do while driving.

"Are you really not going to tell me where we are going?"

He chuckled a bit at Nace's pleading tone. This really was an unusual role reversal for both of them, wasn't it?

"I told you, it's a surprise."

Nace huffed and settled back in his seat. Jan sneaked a glance at him when he stopped at the red light. Nace had his arms crossed over his chest, his warm brown jacket tightly wrapped around his biceps.

"One would think I am taking you to get shot," Jan teased, turning his gaze back to the road as the light changed to green.

Nace laughed at that, at least, his shoulders relaxing.

"No, I just-I am not used to surprises. You barely gave me any hints on what to wear!"

Jan smirked.

"I said wear something comfortable that you don't mind getting dirty."

He could feel Nace's unimpressed stare on him.

"Very helpful."

Jan chuckled and took a left turn, parking to the side. Nace immediately started glancing around, trying to gauge where they were. Jan couldn't help but think it was kind of cute.

He unbuckled his belt and got out of the car, waiting for Nace to do the same. When he did, he led him to a nearby building.

Nace was frowning, trying to piece together what they were doing. Jan decided to take pity on him.

"It's a pottery class."

His head immediately snapped towards Jan, his eyes widening.

"You are taking me to a pottery class??"

Jan swallowed, growing nervous all of a sudden. Did he misjudge? Did Jure mix something up?

"Jure mentioned you wanted to try it since your sister did pottery. I thought..."

"No! I mean, yes, I love the idea!"

He sounded so eager, so terrified that Jan would change his mind and snatch the offer away from him. Jan felt bad. Was he truly treating him in a way that made him think he'd play him like this for a joke?

"Alright then. Let's go."

There were people inside already, and their teacher quickly introduced himself. He gave them instructions on hand-building techniques with clay, saying they need to get used to that before they can move to the pottery wheel.

The process was messy and Jan underestimate just how bad he was at shaping the clay. When Nace looked over and saw his wonky cup, he doubled over laughing.

Jan side-eyed him, before taking a bit of clay and smearing it over Nace's shirt. Nace gasped.

Then he grabbed a piece of clay and smeared it over Jan's cheek. Jan slapped his hair away, trying to rub it off.

"If this gets into my hair Nace, I swear-"

Nace laughed again and someone shushed them.

"Can you two please let the rest of us work?" A blond man left of them said.

He was short, with blind hair just below his ears. He was frowning at them intently, reminding Jan of an annoyed cat.

His tall, tattooed friend-or partner, how could Jan know, really-gently pulled him by the sleeve.

"Lovro, com'on. They are just having fun. Look at this."

The man, well maybe even a boy, with how soft his features looked, immediately turned to the other man. He looked at him like...oh.

Jan looked at Nace, who was clearly eyeing the situation, seeing if Jan could handle it or if he needed to get involved.

Jan was hit by the sudden realization of how much he had come to care for him. Despite all the back and forth and his own grievances, he was-

He stopped his thoughts before any bigger words came to mind. It was still too early to think that. But maybe it wouldn't be, eventually.

Jan never thought of himself as someone who could settle down and yet that spark of hope still lived, nestled deep in his chest.

Maybe.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Nace asked, titling his head to the side.

Jan shook his head.

"Nothing. Let's try to shape these into something decent before we do that...wheel thing, yeah?"

Nace smiled, like a sudden light igniting in the dark.

"Yeah."

As Jan tried to save his clay cup, he suddenly felt bolder. He could ask, right? At worst, Nace will refuse, but when did Nace refuse him before? Jan cleared his throat.

"You could...come over after, if you'd like. You didn't meet Igor yet."

He didn't look up as he asked the question. It would be easier to take a no when he didn't have to worry about which expression he was making.

"You want me to come over?"

There was that tone again. Like Nace was shocked by this. Like Jan wasn't trying to do better for weeks now. He supposed he'd just have to keep trying.

"If you'd like to, yes. I did get some chamomile tea recently."

He sneaked a glance in Nace's direction. His eyes were soft and his mouth was lightly open, as if in wonder. Jan's heart started beating fasted.

"I would like that," Nace said quietly, looking directly at him.

Jan had to look away, but he couldn't help but smile slight. There was slight fear in his stomach still, but there was no ringing of the church bell, or an urge to reach for a necklace that wasn’t there.

He was still himself and he was still in control of it all. Simply taking steps in the right direction. It had been as if he was in inertia for very long time. After being stuck for so long, it was hard to get back into motion, but once he did, he knew it would get easier.

All he had to do was keep moving.

All Jan could hear was a drum of his own heart as they waited for the host to announce them. Thud. Thud. Thud.

It was finally time for them to preform at EMA. To try and get chosen to represent Slovenia at Eurovision. The importance, the fragility of the moment made all the colors more intense, almost as if they were in new, swirling patterns.

Jan took a look at his bandmates. Each of them in a different outfit that fit them perfectly. Bojan, in his loud combination of green shirt and pink pants, that he somehow managed to pull of regardless.

Kris, in a gold sleeves shirt and lighter pink pants that match. Of course-Kris always knew how much attention to draw to himself. Not too much and not too little.

Jure, with sky blue button up that perfectly fit his sunshine personality and darker purple pants for contrast.

All of them looked amazing, really. But it was Nace that Jan couldn't look away from.

Nace, who finally wore color. A purple suit with a silver shirt underneath. The suit had intricated details that made Jan want to run his fingers over the material and feel it's shapes.

When he arrived, he was always pale beige in their mix of chaos and color. Slowly but surely, that changed. And here they were now.

Jan shuffled closer to him, almost as if pulled by an invisible force. He could feel it, but he found it more comforting now, rather than scary.

"Ready?" He whispered, smiling at him.

"Ready," Nace answered, briefly brushing his hand against Jan's.

"And next up, we have Joker Out!"

They stepped on the stage as the people clapped and Jan could feel the adrenaline fully hitting him. He couldn't concentrate on whatever Bojan briefly said before he started singing.

All Jan could focus on was playing. His fingers slid over the strings just as perfectly as they did the very first time he nailed a song when he was sixteen.

Everything else faded away, like looking at the world through a sort of fog. Only music existed. Even Bojan's singing was slightly muted in that moment. Like Jan was alone with his guitar.

Then his gaze slid to Nace and he found him already looking in his direction. Nace, who still had the ability to be in Jan's bubble that one else could touch.

He didn't mind the company, though. Not anymore.

He sent him a little wink and watched as his cheeks turned slightly red. Then he turned back to the audience and took a deep breath. Then let the bubble snap and all the sound and sensations rush back to him.

Because there was never really a need for the bubble at all. Not when he was at the safe space.

There was no divinity here. None other than the music itself, that they shared with the audience.

When they played the last note, there was a thunderous applause and part of Jan already knew. He could feel it in their bones that they won.

The knowing of being at the right place, at the right time. With just the right people, too.

The rest od the night passed in a blur. Jan knew he talked to people, but later he'd be unable to recall what he said. He'd remember the high of the announcement that they won and all of his friends rushing into a group hug.

It wasn't until they all changed back to their everyday clothes and were waiting for Bojan in the cold, that the realization finally started to sink in.

"We won," he whispered into the night air.

"We did," Kris said, smiling.

Whatever makeup they put on him made him look more ethereal than usual. He looked more content than Jan had seen him for awhile.

"What is Bojan doing for so long?" Jure wondered, his eyes lingering on the doors they all cane through.

It was odd. As much as Bojan paid attention to his looks, he never took this long.

"I'll go check," Jan said, getting to his feet.

Jan felt slightly guilty, over how little he talked to Bojan outside of the practice in recent weeks. Being caught up in the whole soulmate dilemma, he didn't take the time to pay as much attention to his friends.

Well, that was another thing he could start fixing now.

He found Bojan in the changing room, completely dressed, but staring off through the window.

"Bojan? Is everything okay?"

Bojan flinched, as if woken up from a very deep sleep. He blinked at Jan, confused.

"Ah, yeah! Yeah, I was just a bit lost in thought. Did you guys wait for me for long?"

Jan stepped closer, putting his hand on Bojan's shoulder. Bojan leaned into the touch, breathing out slowly.

"Are you sure you are alright?"

"I-" Bojan bit his lip, his gaze jumping around the room almost frantically, never staying for long and completely avoiding Jan's face.

"I just...this is a lot. It feels enormous. And of course, of course I am happy we won. It just feels like we set a new course all of a sudden, if that makes sense. Like it feels like my life already changed."

Jan pulled him into a hug. Bojan took in a sharp breath and then relaxed, hugging him back. They just stayed like that for a moment.

"I know. It's terrifying but it's going to be okay. You have us, alright?"

Bojan's arms tightened around him for a bit.

"Yeah."

They were silent for a bit and Bojan already pulled away from the hug when Jan spoke again.

"I actually owe you an apology. With how I reacted when you brought up soulmates for all these years."

Bojan shrugged.

"It's fine. I figured it was a sensitive topic."

Jan shook his head.

"Yes but it's not an excuse. I am sorry, Bojan. You were allowed to be excited at prospect of meeting them without me putting you down for it."

He rubbed tips of his fingers against the nail of his thumb. Resisting the urge to mess it up more.

"I won't say I completely understand, even now with Nace. I still very much love being independent from him. But I am saying I understand more."

Bojan smiled, reminding Jan that if Nace was the light in darkness, Bojan was certain a sun, his rays bringing about a new day.

"Thank you for saying that. I am excited to meet her, one day. Whenever destiny decides we are ready."

Jan rolled his eyes, more for the dramatic effect than anything else. That was still extremely cheesy, but it was very on brand for Bojan.

"Sure, lover boy. Now, can we go before the rest of them freeze outside? It is December, y'know?"

Bojan laughed and grabbed his bag. He dramatically pointed to the door.

"To wherever destiny may lead us!"

Jan cracked a smile, unable to keep up the brooding persona.

"To whenever destiny may lead us," he repeated quietly.

Then he stepped over the threshold after Bojan and for the first time in many years he knew everything would be alright. As long as he had his family, soulmate included, by his side, everything would be alright.

No matter the challenges that awaited them.

#my writing #joker out #jance #inertia

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woodchoc-magnum · 5 months

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20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @cinematicnomad (❤️❤️❤️)

How many works do you have on ao3? 75

What's your total ao3 word count? 2,194,345

What fandoms do you write for? literally only 911

Top five fics by kudos 01. the dream you wish will come true 02. try to love me if you can 03. alone again tonight with you 04. when things fall into place 05. let me roll it to you

Do you respond to comments? i try to - sometimes on a multi-chapter fic I might skip some, but on the last chapter I try to thank everyone.

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? lmao none of them, I only write happy endings (and that's the way it will stay!)

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? almost all of them end up in a flash forward to buck and eddie being happily married so... yeah. pick one!

Do you get hate on fics? okay so we all remember how chim punched buck right? well I covered that in you were never mine and oh my fucking god did people use my comment section as an excuse to debate whether it was right or wrong.

Do you write smut? Yep 😏

Craziest crossover my only crossover is with 911 Lone Star

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i really, really hope not

Have you ever had a fic translated? no i don't think so

Have you ever cowritten a fic before? once upon a long, long time ago in a fandom far, far away

All time favourite ship? buddie, they literally infected my brain FOUR YEARS AGO THIS MONTH and i'm still not over it. i don't know if i ever will be.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i started one that's an alternate take on season 2 and 3, like what if eddie joined the other station instead of the 118. I hit a wall writing it so I focused on other things, and then the show came back on and started inspiring me again, so it's on the backburner - FOR NOW.

What are your writing strengths? dialogue, plot e.g. keeping things moving along, so much drama, dinner parties with lots of drama especially, oh and any kind of awkward situation. and CLIFFHANGERS (my favourite)

What are your writing weaknesses? i'm not as descriptive as other people. when i write the first draft it's usually like bare bones and then i go back in to describe things in more detail. i always focus on the dialogue first and try to flesh it out later. i also worry that i get stuck in a rut and use the same words over and over again, so when i go back through and edit i'm always fixing that up

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? i have no strong feelings either way. i hardly ever write eddie speaking spanish but that's just a personal thing

First fandom you wrote in? yeah... so it was something and then it was criminal minds and i'm keeping the "something" part a secret. it was 20 years ago it literally does not matter anymore

Favorite fic you've written? my favourite one is light me and i'll burn for you - it was just so easy to write and every time i re-read it i'm like, damn, this is pretty good! i think it's just a fun fic. i also like my christopher POV fics because I just love writing him, but especially your heart of gold. i have a lot more favourite scenes than fics, so i'll go back and just re-read specific stuff. i write for myself first and foremost!

tagging!! @tripleaxeldiaz, @tawaifeddiediaz, @sevensoulmates, @fiona-fififi and anyone else!

#fic writer asks #my fics #kat ilu

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jasntodds · 2 years

Text

Caving In [5]

Pairing: Gar Logan x Fem!Powered!Reader, Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader

Words: 10,370

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, mention of torture, mentions of previous homelessness, fluff, hurt/comfort, mentions of bruises, a mention of a previous broken bone (Jason), mentions of abuse (nothing is in detail)

Summary: ❝Tell me Atlas: What is heavier, The world or its people’s hearts?❞ You never expected your life to end up this way, turned upside down by an infamous Gotham villain. It’s been a living hell, every single day, until Dick Grayson brings you to Titans tower where you meet Gar Logan and Jason Todd.

A/N: I know this a week late but I couldn’t edit this last week so here we are!! I am easily motivated to post more often when I get feedback 😂 The first few chapters take place between season 2 episode 1 and season 2 episode 2. You can add yourself the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary and turn on notifications if you prefer that!!

series masterlist | masterlist | tag list

The rest of the night passed in a blur. You hung out with Gar until eleven. You just watched two of his favorite movies and he gushed about them the whole time. You were pretty excited to start training with Jason but watching movies Gar helped the time pass by a lot quicker. It didn’t even really feel like you watched two movies. And you even felt bad about bailing on a third movie when it got later but you knew you’d be late if the two of you started another one. You promised you’d continue the marathon tomorrow though and that seemed to please him. So, you went to your room and waited out the extra hour.

Apparently, everyone is normally in bed around midnight if there isn’t something going on. Rachel went to bed two hours ago and you haven’t seen Dick since he checked on you and Gar around 10:30. Gar’s door is shut and there isn’t a light coming from under the door when you exit your room. You’ve always been more of a night owl, it’s always been the one time when you could be completely alone. Even in Gotham, the streets were quieter at night. It almost felt peaceful even but as you walk down the hallways and into the living room, you spot Gar sitting on his laptop on the couch.

“H-hey?” You ask as you get closer. “What’re you doing up?”

Gar looks at you with raised brows. “Couldn’t sleep, you?” He vividly remembers you saying you were going to bed and you don’t look panicked as if you had a nightmare again.

“Same.” You lie with a nod. “Walking sometimes helps.” You don’t like lying, but sometimes it has to be done. You want to trust him to not say anything, but you’re not really sure if you can. For all you know, he’ll run right to Dick and tell on you and Jason before training even starts.

“Do you want me to walk with you?” Gar’s hand goes to the top of the laptop as if to be ready to shut it.

You almost say yes because you like his company but this is a secret between you and Jason. Gar doesn’t seem like the type to disobey authority. You don’t want to drag him into a mess you and Jason are potentially causing for the next week or so. What he doesn’t know, can’t hurt him.

“I’m okay.” You say. “Thank you though, I’m just gonna….walk a bit but I’ll come get you if I change my mind.” Gar nods, understandingly, looking a little sad but confused by it. You didn’t decline after last night’s nightmare but you are now. He isn’t sure why, he feels like there’s something going on but it’s also none of his business so he doesn’t say anything.

You finish your walk to the training room, putting your guilt about lying to Gar in the back of your head. When you enter the room, Jason is right there, waiting. A part of you thought maybe he’d still be mad and stand you up. It’s a pleasant surprise that he’s actually here.

“Midnight.” You wiggle your phone, the screen lights up at Jason.

“Cutting it close.” Jason taunts with a mocking grin.

“Shut up.” You shake your head, walking up to him. “Where do we start?”

A chuckle leaves Jason’s throat, amused by your eagerness. Finally, someone else who gets it. “Have you ever punched someone?”

“A few times.” You shrug. “It wasn’t really my thing.” You scrunch your nose.

“How wasn’t it your thing?” Jason questions, his brows furrowed.

“What do you mean?” Your eyes go left and then right, trying to figure out what he’s so confused about. Some people don’t like to punch other people in the face.

“Seems like you'd be into hitting people.” Jason chortles.

Your survival instincts is actually why he thinks that. The whole dealing with torture for a year thing, living on the streets of Gotham, your overall detached sarcastic attitude, it all makes him think you wouldn't be afraid to throw the first punch.

“Rude. No,” You shake your head with a laugh. “Like I said, people didn’t hate me and I wasn’t one to throw a punch. I talk a lot of shit for someone who’s only been in a handful of fistfights.” You shift your weight. “And….close hand-to-hand combat is a bit sketchy. Shit starts going south, you’re fucked. I threw knives.” You state nonchalantly, watching Jason's face contort in surprise. "People fear knives, everyone thinks they stand a chance in a fistfight."

Jason's brows knit together, trying to piece all of this together. “Knives???? And how did you manage that?” He didn't see that coming.

You shrug. “Guy at one of the shelters, he taught street kids how to defend themselves. Self defense and he had a thing for knives.”

Jason lets out this booming laugh, his head tilting back. “Yeah, uh, Knife Guy? Like, that’s what he was called, right? Shelter by the library?”

“Yeah,” You let out a shy laugh. “Yeah, white hair, scar across his left eye?”

There’s this feeling in the pit of your stomach you can’t identify knowing that Jason knows who you’re talking about. The guy had been around for years according to his stories and rumors. So, of course Jason would know who he is. But, it’s still weird because had any of yours and Jason’s circumstances changed within a year of each other, you likely would have run into each other. You wonder if you would have hated him or been too infatuated with him to focus on anything else if that had been the case. You settle on the feeling being bitterness.

“Yeah, that’s the guy.” Jason gives you this understanding smile. “Okay, so he taught you knives and how to punch?”

Jason didn't care much for the guy. He didn't really know what he was doing, even before Jason's training he knew that. But, it was better than nothing. Time and time again, Jason witnessed other kids who got picked up by dealers, by other kids, by scarier adults. A lot of kids knew to just start screaming bloody murder and it'd scare off the person because it draws too much attention, usually. But, other times, some sort of defense was needed and no one else was helping. Something is better than nothing, that's what Jason thinks anyway. But, the knives, the guy had a thing for that and he rarely ever missed.

“Kind of.” You shrug. "It was mostly knife work I learned from him. Let's be honest, him and the library are the only reason anyone actually goes to that shelter willingly." You grimaces. The staff kind of sucks there. They aren't very nice and the food is somehow worse at that shelter. But, beggars can't be choosers.

Jason walks over to the table containing throwing knives. He picks one up and flips the blade towards him, offering you the handle. “Let’s see what you got then.”

You smirk at him and it’s been a while. You’re not very confident in your ability to hit a target but you won’t let Jason know that.

“I am rusty, so remember that.” You chuckle, taking the knife from him and walking in front of the target. You aim as you were taught, realizing your vision is still a bit compromised but you take the throw anyway. It sticks at the very bottom of the target. “Well, fuck.” You groan.

“Not a sharpshooter that’s for sure.” Jason chuckles.

“Give me another!” You spin, glaring at him. Jason does as told and you spin around, arming again and this time, it’s closer but still far off from the bullseye.

“Least you get it on the target, I guess.” Jason teases you. “Maybe you should get some hand-to-hand in, might do you better.”

“Fuck off!” You grow annoyed and you were never a sharpshooter but this is ridiculous. You should be closer, at least. It’s why you chose the knives. You’re better at it but this is not it. You won’t let Jerry take this away from you either. “Give me another one.” Jason hands another one over, crossing his arms. He is a little impressed with you making it on the target. He can tell by how you move your arm, it hurts. It’s shaky when you pull back and you step into it with a shaky leg. That’s why you’re missing but Jason lets you throw again before saying anything. This one is worse than the first one. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” You groan, throwing your head back.

“Did you want some advice now? I mean, we can do this all night. It’s pretty funny but I could help.”

You stare straight ahead, rolling your eyes before turning to face him. "Enlighten me."

"You're in pain and you gotta fight through it." Jason picks up a knife, spinning it in his hands as if to show off. "Go faster. Stop thinking so hard about it. You always think that much? Cause, if you're in a fight, you don't get that."

"No!" You yells to defend yourself. "Of course, not but I haven't done it in a while and yeah, it’s kind of painful." Usually, when you were to throw a knife, there wasn’t a lot of thought, not after a while. Your eyes and arms just worked together. Again, it’s not that you were a sharpshooter or anything, but your movements were fluid and you usually hit whatever you were trying to, even if it wasn’t a perfect target. But, this is different. It feels like you’re starting over in a way because hitting this stationary target that isn’t even that far away should have been easier.

"So?" Jason challenges you. "It should be like getting on a bike." His eyes widen as he stands toe to toe with you, dangling the knife. "Just throw it." His grin is taunting and you keep your eyes narrowed at him.

You take the knife from him and does what he says. You don't think about it and just spin around, throwing the knife just as it comes into view. The knife sticks just a few inches from the bullseye and you get this smile on your face that’s drenched in pride and relief while Jason's is proud.

He can’t help the way his heart skips a beat with the smile on your face or with the way you spin back around, confidence oozing from you. Your eyes are bright and this is the first time you look genuinely happy. Jason’s stomach flips as you eye him with pride and in the moment, a subconscious part of him swears he never wants to see you anything but happy and proud.

"See? Stop thinking so fucking much." Jason chortles, brushing off the bubbles in his stomach.

"That how you function?" You quip, crossing your arms over your chest.

Jason shrugs. "Working pretty well." He spreads his arms out. "Robin."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." You let out a sigh.

He has a point. But, you hope that maybe he'll be really good at this training. But, you both can stick it to Dick and maybe it'll be a way, in a roundabout kind of way, for Jason to show Dick what he can do. Maybe that'll be enough for Bruce. You can train carefully but successfully. You think it should be enough because while you have so far been enjoying his company, the way he just beams like the morning sun when he mentions Robin, you want him to be able to get back to that. You don’t have to know him in depth or for very long to know he deserves it.

"No bad though." Jason nods his head at you.

"Was that a compliment?" You wiggle your brows at him.

"Yeah, fuck off." Jason chuckles softly as he looks to the floor and back to you. "Alright, you wanna do that or you wanna fight?"

"Fight." You answer, the smile falling from your face as you nod at him once. You'll get back into knife throwing when you can train with everyone else. You were always better at it.

Jason walks to the center of the floor, you following him but keeping your distance. "Do you do know how to punch someone?"

"Assume so." You shrug. "Knife Guy did teach me that."

Jason rolls his eyes. "Show me."

You hesitate but walk towards him anyway and make a fist and punch him lightly in the arm. Jason bursts out laughing and you can't be serious.

"That's a joke, right?"

"I don't want to actually p--"

"I can't train you if I don't know if you can even punch someone. Aren't you still mad at me from earlier?" Jason questions. He was sure you’d be okay with a friendly sparring session. He didn’t think you were actually someone who didn’t like to punch people.

You shrug a shoulder. "I don't have many grudges."

"Start, it'll help." Jason quips, there’s a roughness to his voice and you wonder what grudges he’s hiding. "Just fucking hit me, it's not like it's gonna be worse than anything I've had before."

You roll your eyes but do as he says, actually putting some force into it and Jason just blinks at you. He can't tell if you just don't know what you’re doing or if you’re weak as a person or if being malnourished has made you weak and that's why you suck at this. You’re going to be a part of the team and he's gotta get you to be stronger than this if your powers aren't going to be fool proof like Dick likes to think.

"That's pathetic." Jason nods.

"Thank you. I used to pride myself in not being very violent." You scoff.

"You're a Titan." Jason almost pleads.

"That's why I'm here so you can teach me to be more violent and actually kick ass. I'm not who I was before. I said used to." You only acted in self defense, life or death, scared situations. But, you want to be ready for anything. Act first, think later kind of mentality from now on.

For a second, Jason wonders if this is a good idea. He wasn't a super violent person before Robin either. He's had his share of fistfights, of course, nothing on this planet will get Jason to shut the fuck up and people don't normally find it charming. He had no choice. It's always kill or be killed. But being Robin gave him a free pass to kick ass. Sure, the criminals all deserved it and it was mostly under the watchful eye of Bruce, but it was a free pass and maybe some of that went to his head like when he beat up a bunch of cops when he was helping Dick. Does he want to put someone else through that? Is that what Dick meant with all that talk about not being Robin? Jason can't imagine another life, sure he fights more but it's also the most himself he's ever felt and there's a sense of feeling complete being Robin. Maybe that's just one of the consequences of finding yourself, losing a part of yourself.

"I'm also injured." You continue. "I could punch harder if it didn't hurt."

"Okay. I'm gonna teach you how to throw a punch and a proper kick then we're gonna spar." Jason explains, earning raised brows from you. "So, I can see what you can do and what you can't right now. It'll be easier for me to figure shit out, not gonna push you too far."

"Alright." You agree. "Show me, then."

Jason walks you over to the punching bag and takes your hand in his and you can't help but notice the difference between how his hand feels compared to Gar's. It's cold, more calloused. It's rough like all he does is beat his fists into things which by the looks of the fading bruises on his knuckles, that is all he does.

He makes a fist with your hand and then stands behind you, using his feet to move yours in a proper position. His hands are on your hips and there's a second where his heart stutters. He convinces himself it’s because he just doesn’t want to get caught and you’re just starting. It’s not because his hands are on your hips and you look over your shoulder at him with nothing but endearment.

Your stomach flips under his touch and you don't know what the flipping in your stomach is. You can't even tell if you like it. It's different than the flipping with Gar because this feels....like adrenaline. It's a rush like running through the streets at night, the sky cloudy and the air muggy but something feels so good about it. Refreshing even. But Gar is a calming and comforting flip, butterflies even. He's the safety of a house after being out late at night, where the bed is the most welcoming place on earth. Jason makes you want to go skydiving, something you'd never do in a million years and Gar makes you want to curl up by a fire with hot chocolate and a pet dog.

"You're gonna wanna move your hips when you punch, gives you more momentum, stronger punch." Jason explains as he walks in front of you.

"Like this?" You throw a punch and the bag moves.

"Yeah, like that." Jason gives you a soft and proud smile, something you never thought you'd see coming from him. "Keep going but try putting more force into, as much as you can."

You do as you’re told and Jason gives a few pointers here and there on your form. But overall, you aren't doing too bad given your lack of experience and it makes Jason feel important. It's the first time since leaving Bruce that he feels important. Someone needs him. It's for fighting, but needs him nonetheless and he's doing a good job helping you. It feels really good. And after a few minutes of you hitting the bag, he feels it's time to show you how to kick properly without breaking a toe.

Jason does a few examples and you always thought the kicks of any type of fighting look so ridiculous when there isn't a person at the receiving end. Jason makes them look a little less ridiculous though and you follow his lead. You try to do what he does and he tells you what you’re doing wrong and what you’re doing right. He's surprisingly good at constructive criticism. Dick might not like what Bruce turned him and Jason into but as far as you’re concerned, they were taught well otherwise Jason wouldn't have any idea what constructive criticism even is and would just be badgering you about what you’re doing wrong.

"So," Jason starts as you grab a drink of water after a few rounds of kicks and punching bag hits. "How's this gonna work with your whole...combat thing you do?" Jason asks. "Because part of this is teaching you how to block but if you can dodge everything already?"

You shrug. "I can try to ignore it?" You offer.

"Is that something you can actually fucking do?" Jason quips with a chuckle.

"I don't fucking know." You laugh. "Probably, I did for a while with Jerry."

It’s not something easy to ignore. It’s kind of like trying to ignore a raging migraine. It doesn’t hurt but it’s throbbing and it’s annoying. But, you’ve done it before in a far worse situation. Jason, you know he’s not gonna hurt you. This is just training, some (Jason) might even say this is just fun. So, you think ignoring it might be helpful for right now but you swear you can’t make a habit of it.

The acid is one thing, it’s not something you like very much but the combat clairvoyance is nice. It’s useful and no one would ever know that’s what it is. But a part of you worries that if you ignore it enough, it won’t be as effective. The last thing you want is to be stuck with powers and then the one you like to not even work properly because you spent too much time ignoring it.

Jason nods. "Right. Alright, well, I won't actually try to hit you hard." Jason huffs but there's still a smile pulling at his lips. "Not a fair fight."

"Ha-ha." You mock. "No, that's fair." You laughs softly.

"You just have to block me, that's it." Jason shrugs as if it’s the easiest sentence he’s ever said. Something tells you blocking Jason isn’t going to be that easy even with him not trying very hard.

"Okay." You rest your water bottle down and follow Jason to the center of the room.

Jason takes position and you mimic what he's doing, not really understanding the purpose but roll with it anyway. It gains you a smirk and a head shake from Jason before he asks if you’re ready. You nod and Jason moves towards you, the sparring starting.

You feel the throbbing of the back of your head with Jason coming at you. It's throbbing and aching, a constant state of feeling like someone waking you up banging pots and pans right against your ears but you push through it. Ignoring the signals from the back of your head, you use your arms to block him to the best of your ability. It's not much actually but you saw him spar with Gar and Rachel earlier, he's holding back a lot. He's slower and there's almost no strength in his punches or his kicks. He's being careful not to hurt you and there's something really nice and reassuring about it. He just wants to help. But then you miss one of the blocks as Jason's leg comes up, connecting with your right flank.

You let out a scream and drop to the floor, holding your side. Jason stands in shock, questioning how it hurt that bad because he swears he didn't kick you hard, it was more of just a tap.

"Fuck, are you okay?" Jason moves to his knees in front of you, you hunching over, fighting back tears as the stinging intensifies.

Your eyes are slammed shut with your forehead pressed against the floor but you give him a thumbs up. "Fine, I...I'm...I'm fine."

"I-I'm sorry." Jason mumbles. "I didn't--" His hand is hovering over your shoulder, not sure what to do or how he can help.

"Not your fault." You cut him off, your words sharp and short, not mad. "Fuck." You look up to him, your eyes a little red.

"Let me see--"

"No." You shake your head. "It's fine...I just...need....a minute." Your words are breathy as the pain makes your heart race.

"Y/n, I'm really sorry." Jason apologizes with sad eyes wreaking of guilt.

"It's a bruise, not your fault, didn't tell you how bad." You mumble, as you try regain your breath, the pain fading just a bit.

"How fucking bad is that bruise? It should be getting better by now." Jason's voice raises with touches of anger and worry.

He's pissed you didn't tell him how bad the bruise still was. He still would have helped you but he would have minded his kicks and punches a lot more. He would have avoided that side. You were going easy enough that it would have been simple for him. He'd never hurt you on purpose. And he can only assume it's the boot print. It's the one bruise you specifically mentioned and bruises in the shape of boot are usually pretty bad and linger but he thought you'd tell him if it were that bad.

You suck in a breath as the stinging fades a bit more. "Pretty bad, I guess." You mutter. "Didn't think it'd be a big deal."

"That worked out real fucking well." Jason groans. You dodge his eyes and Jason feels guilty. It's not really his fault but you just wanted to train. If anyone would understand that, it's him.

You go quiet for a second and you feel bad but you’re just desperate. Being hurt makes your feel weaker and you hate feeling weak. You know that it's okay not feel completely okay and take time to heal an injury but you just don't think you have that kind of time. It's terrifying knowing Jerry is still out there, even if he stands no chance against the Titans. It doesn't matter because he's out there probably living his best life and you just want to live yours.

"I-I'm sorry." You mutter out, still dodging Jason's eyes. "I-I...I, uh, I don't like feeling weak and, ya know?" Your brows furrow. "Um..." Your jaw clenches. "Telling you how bad it is, it's just admitting it to myself and I don't...I don't want to do that." Your eyes finally lock on Jason's and his heart sinks.

He lets out a sigh and rests his forearm on his knee. "You're not weak, alright? Some dickwad did that to you, alright?" He shakes his head and something about you make it really easy to open up. It's easy for him to open to Gar because Gar doesn't judge. He just lets him talk and that's kind of what you do but you offer this sense of genuine understanding, even with stealing the hubcaps off the Batmobile. You're plenty different but on the surface you're so similar Jason finds it easy to talk to you. "I got hurt once, as Robin." Jason states.

"What happened?" You ask.

Jason's jaw clenches. "I didn't listen to Bruce, it got me a little hung out." Jason explains. "I broke my collarbone. It sucked because had I listened to Bruce it wouldn't have happened and then he benched me until it was healed, obviously." Jason scoffs as if to still be mad about it and you have a hunch he's madder about not being able to be Robin than he is about the broken bone. "I tried to train with it broken though." Jason lets out a laugh. "Bruce caught me and it got fucking ugly, he was pissed." There's a simple smile on Jason's face. "So, I get it, alright? But, if you don't tell me, I can't help you. I know how fucking keen you are to tell people shit, but this would help."

"Thanks, Jay." You say and Jason's heart flutters, no one's ever called him that before. He likes it when you say it. You let out a sigh and decide to show him the bruise. "Promise not to tell anyone?"

"Do promises mean something to you?" Jason asks, his voice slightly snarky.

"Yeah, of course. All we have is our word. They don't mean anything to you?"

Too many people have promised Jason things over the years and none of those promises ever worked. His dad promised he'd be there for him, always, because his mom was down and out. Then he was an idiot working with Two-Face and got himself killed. His uncle promised to take care of him and then drank himself to death. Cops promised he'd be okay but he hasn't felt okay a day in his life, not until he put on the Robin suit but that was because of Bruce and because Jason took his life into his own hands. And now it's been tugged away from him. Social workers promised they'd find a really good home for him. They didn't. Teachers promised they would help but they gave up on him. No one's ever been up to the task of really and truly helping him but they all promised they would. They all promised he wouldn't be alone. So, no, Jason Todd doesn't believe in promises.

"No." He scoffs, keeping it short. "People say they promise just to get shit from you."

Your eyes are sad and your heart breaks for him. You don't really know him all that well but you know everyone else is wrong about him. You can tell. No one gives him a chance to be good but you will. You don't trust anyone either, not after everything. It's so easy to break trust and nearly impossible to get it back but you want to trust people again and you want Jason to trust people, trust you. You trust him.

"I won't make a promise to you I can't keep or make a promise just to get something from you." Your voice is small, filled with candor but you keep your eyes locked on Jason's and suddenly it all feels a little too real for him. He feels like you’ve put him under a microscope and is looking for signs of a deadly disease.

"That a promise?" Jason quips back, a bite in his voice but you don't take the bait.

"Promise." You nod your head just once. "I keep my promises. I've never broken a single one."

You’re this puzzle he can't figure out, something of a Rubix cube. He doesn't understand why you even care. You don't even know him but you treat him better than people who've known him his entire life. A part of him even thinks it's some sort of prank, he's waiting for the cameras to come out and say he's being Punk'd. But, your eyes are sincere and warm and welcoming. He drown into you if you'd let him.

"Alright," Jason sucks in a breath. "I promise I won't tell anyone."

You shift carefully so your flank is facing Jason. You lift up your shirt just enough to show him the bruise. Jason's jaw nearly drops as his brows furrow and pain shoots through his entire body. The bruise is, in fact, a boot. He can see the tread and he thinks about old episodes of CSI and how they'd use shoe prints to pin the killer. He swears they could do that with this shoot print because it's so vivid and he wants to know how you didn't have any internal bleeding over it. The whole bruise is dark. It looks agonizing and maybe Dick was right about you not training.

"Shit." Jason lets out a breath as you pull your shirt down and face him.

"Yeah...it kind of hurts."

"No, shit." Jason huffs. "That's..." Jason pauses he swears that he would hunt down Jerry himself right now if it weren't for you sitting in front of him. "I hope you get to hunt him the fuck down one day." His jaw is clenched and it makes you smile.

"Yeah, you and me both." You let out a half-laugh half-scoff.

Jason lets out this dry laugh, his blood boiling. It's just not fair and Jason knows life isn't fair but it should be for you. "I'm serious, I'll hunt him down if you don't want to."

You give him a large smile. "I appreciate it but he's my battle. It's why I don't why you tell Dick. I'll find him one day."

"You'll have the best training in the world." Jason holds his head up high giving you a cocky grin. "I'll make sure the fuck doesn't stand a chance against you."

You almost forgot what it's like to have someone so protective of you. The only person who was ever like that was your mom but it never resorted to something like this. It was just that one time with your dad showing up and the usual things like defending you against nosy soccer moms or putting her arm across you when she had to slam on the brakes in the car too quickly. This is different because Jason doesn't know you but he'd protect you anyway.

"As I said, you're not so bad, Jason Todd." You grin at him.

"Told ya, I'm the best." Jason boasts.

"Yeah, I'll give it to you...this one time." You laugh softly.

"It won't be the last, babe." Jason quips and you roll your eyes. If it were anyone else, the arrogance that radiates off him like bad cologne would be annoying. But, it’s cute on him.

"Mhm, whatever you say, BaBe." You mock him, widening your eyes.

Jason lets out a laugh and you think he's cute when he laughs. You wish he did it more. "Alright, come on." Jason moves to your left side and pulls your arm, putting it around his neck. "We're gonna some ice on it before it gets worse."

You look up at him. "You're not mad, are you?" He doesn't seem mad anymore but you just want to make sure.

"No." Jason shakes his head. "But can you fucking tell me next time?"

"You got it, boss." You give him a thumbs up, standing up with him and wincing with the movement of getting to your feet.

the two of you start your walk, opting to remain quiet this time. You feel safe with him. His grip is tight around you, but not too tight. He’s holding you close to him and you swear he’s probably the safest person in the world. Jason, though, he just feels understood. He thinks if he offered to help Rachel, he wouldn’t but if did, she’d cringe or make some nasty comment about it. But, you, it’s like you just get it and of course, Gar gets it, too. The two of you understand him better than anyone ever has. In this moment, Jason swears to himself that if it comes down to it, the people he’d save over anything and everyone, including himself, are you and Gar.

With every step, you wince and you’re starting to understand why Dick wanted you to wait. You'll never admit that he was right because you’re too prideful for that but you get it now because this pain is horrendous. You knew it would hurt if you got hit but you highly underestimated just how much. And because that wasn't bad enough, Gar is still planted on the couch when the two of you enter the living room. Jason and you freeze for a second as Gar makes eye contact with you.

Busted.

"What are you...what...what happened?" Gar gets up from his seat as concern coats his words, you and Jason just standing there, at a loss for words. "Are you okay?" Gar asks you before looking to Jason and then back to you.

"I'm fine, Gar." You pull your arm away from Jason's neck and make your way to the couch, favoring your right side. Gar follows you while Jason goes to the freezer for an icepack.

Gar sits on the coffee table in front of you. "He didn't....?" Gar asks, knowing full well that Jason would never but needed some type of reassurance.

You sigh knowing you can't hide everything from him, he already knows too much and if he goes to Dick about it, this whole thing will blow up more. You do not want to get anyone in trouble.

"You can't tell Dick, okay?" You ask and Gar nods while Jason comes back, handing the ice pack to you as he takes a seat on the coffee table in front of you. "Jason is helping me train since Dick won't let me yet."

"That's stupid." Gar states, mostly referring to the both of you teaming up to do this. Dick just has your best interests at heart and Jason should know that better than anyone.

"That's what I said." Jason adds in.

You narrow your eyes at him. "You agreed to it." You mutter. "I neglected to tell him about a bruise and he tapped it."

"Tapped?" Gar questions.

"Swear, I barely touched her."

"Yeah," You shrug. "It's just, uh, it's pretty bad, I guess." You look down before looking at Jason as if begging him not to tell Gar further details about it. You want to spare him the sight of it. "It's a shoe print so." You clear your throat.

"Holy shit." Gar mumbles, shaking his head.

"Yeah," You suck in a breath. "I thought it'd be fine but it is not. The others are healing fine, a little faster than I expected actually but this one is just taking a little longer, I guess." You shrug your shoulders. "So, it was just an accident."

Gar sits for a second, obviously, he knew it was bad. He looks at your face every day. But a vivid shoe print on your side seems to have crossed a line he didn't know he even had. He's pissed and Gar isn't someone that gets pissed often. How can someone do this to you? You’ve got a smartass mouth but that's not a reason to do that to someone. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, no one deserves that and there's a part of him that almost wants to hunt the guy down.

Jason, on the hand, kind of wants you to show Gar. As he said, whatever Gar imagines is going to be worse than what it actually is. And Jason knows from first had experience that Gar isn't going to make it weird or anything. He'll just be understanding and maybe even he'll want to find the guy. But, Gar would actually understand more why you want to train. However, Jason isn't going to say anything. He promised.

"Okay," You nod your head finding the silence and wide eyes from Gar a bit uncomforting. "You're making it a little weird."

"Sorry." Gar apologizes, shaking his head. "It's just pretty messed up."

"It's fucked." Jason locks a knowing stare with you, matching the conversation you had the night before. "Piece of shit doesn't deserve to walk around free."

"We're not going after him, Dick will kill us." Gar protests though, if Jason or you went after him, he can't blame either of you. Even before knowing about this bruise, he wouldn't have blamed you.

"No one is going after him." You state. "If anyone were going to, it would be me. I said I don't hold many grudges. This isn't a grudge, it's vengeance, karma. Eye for an eye. My eye for an eye, no one else's. But the plan is not to seek him out, just be prepared if he seeks me out."

"Is that why you're training?" Gar asks.

"Gotta be prepared." You dodge his stare and Gar gets you wanting to search the tower a little more now. You’re fully convinced he'll come looking for you if he finds out you’re alive. If you’re alive and you start telling people what happened and who did it, he'll be fucked.

"The guy still deserves the same shit he did to you and then some." Jason remarks.

"Yeah, well, he's also not my fucking problem." It’s harsh but it’s also true. It’s very fresh and maybe in a few months, you’ll feel differently about it. But, for right now, he is not your problem. He isn’t your problem unless he comes looking for you.

Gar's attention snaps back to you with the comment. "What if he does it to someone else?" Gar asks, almost feeling like siding with Jason.

You shake your head. "I'm not seeking him out. I spent a year trying to escape and I won't risk it again." You’re being candid with the two of them and you don't feel too bad about it, actually. The both of them together make it easier. Gar has the calmness and level-headedness you need whereas Jason is the hot-headed one that you prefer in conversations like this, probably because you like the idea of killing Jerry. "I'm not...trying to be a bitch but.....did you do anything about that doctor?"

Gar shakes his head. "But he didn't do that," He gestures toward you. "To any of us. This is different."

"I guess." You shrug, readjusting the ice pack. "Look, I don't want anyone to know how bad it was, okay? I tell you two because I happen to really like the both of you and talking to you. I don't want anyone else to know how bad shit got, alright? Any of it, okay?" You plead with them and Jason nods along, he doesn't like people knowing the deep and dirty secrets his heart carries either.

"Why not?" Gar asks. "If Dick knows, he can help catch him."

Of course, to some extent, he can understand it. It's something that's hard to talk about. Talking about trauma is never easy. He remembers Jason finally breaking down and telling him stuff, he did in a very matter-of-fact way which just made Gar worry about him. But, after a little bit, Jason had a real conversation about it and why he doesn't like to talk about. It makes it real, people look at him differently. You and Jason are so much alike it seems that Gar wonders if that's how you feel about it, too. If so, he wishes you didn't because talking and letting people in, does help. Gar would know.

You admire Gar's endless optimism but you’re a glass-half-empty kind of person. "You know how people say trauma makes you strong?" Gar nods. "It doesn't, it just desensitizes you. Not feeling anything is not a strength, it's a weakness. Being terrified of sleeping and letting your guard down for more than a minute, that's not strength. I will not look weak to anyone, ever again so fucking help me." Your stare is harsh and your mouth is pressed into a straight line.

Listening to someone say they don't feel anything besides a sense of fear and paranoia, it's not something Gar has heard before even if that is how someone has felt. He can't imagine the kind of pain must put someone through. He didn't really get it until now and maybe now he understands why it was easy for you to talk to Jason. Jason seems like he doesn't feel much, Gar seems like he feels too much. He gets why you don't want anyone to know, as much as it pains him, he'll swear he won't tell anyone.

"Okay." Gar nods.

"Thanks, guys." You suck in a breath. "I'll be fine, like, really. It'll fade and one day I'll be okay but I'm not close to that yet." You show some slight optimism.

You aren't sure you believe the words you said or not but looking at the concerned faces of both boys, you felt like you needed to say something. You don't want them thinking you’re about to jump off a building or something because that's not it either. You do feel safe here and while you aren't sure if you'll recover from everything, you do know there's a chance if you’re here with these two because they make life after the trauma look appealing and fun again. They make it look like you can move past it, either in a heroic, aggressive way or in a happy-go-lucky way. They make it seem possible and that's all you really need.

"If I ever see him though," Jason starts, not thrilled with the idea of letting this piece of shit just be free. Maybe that's the issue with being a Titan for him, he wants the fight and Dick won't let him. At least Bruce let him fight. "I'll kill him."

"How do you even know what he looks like?" You ask, narrowing your eyes and you catch Gar stiffen in front to you as Jason’s eyes glance to Gar. "Oh my gosh, did you like, Google me or whatever?"

"No, we didn't fucking Google you." Jason quips, his eyes slightly narrowed. They did not Google you.

"Research me? Using some type of Wayne tech?" You retort. "You know what I mean."

"Well..." Jason gains this sly smirk and he's not all that apologetic about it. There's not a doubt in his mind if the roles were reversed, you would have done it, too.

"We just wanted to make sure you weren't here to kill us." Gar says apologetically.

"Wait, so, you guys knew this whole time and didn't say anything?"

"We're sorry." Gar apologizes for the both of them while Jason just shrugs. Gar gives him a dirty look.

"Sorry we ran your blood through the computer." Jason's tone is almost mocking, he isn't all that sorry about it. He feels a little bad about the invasion of privacy, especially since you did actually tell him what happened. But, it was for the safety of the Titans, or so he tells himself.

Your face contorts and you can't really tell if you want to be mad about it or not. On the one hand, that's an invasion of privacy. Did Dick also do that? Is that why he's so trusting? But, on the other hand, you would have done the same thing and getting mad would just make you a hypocrite. Though you have questions about why they were so confident to use your blood. But, that’s an entirely different thing to unpack that, in all honesty, you didn't even wanna know.

"I...okay." You shake your head, choosing to move on from it. "So...why didn't you guys just say you knew?"

It's Gar who shrugs and speaks up before Jason can have some sarcastic quip. "We didn't want you to know and make you uncomfortable and we weren't really sure what happened. That's not actually in the file."

"We figured." Jason says, looking away from you.

"Ahh." You say. "Anyone else with you two?"

Gar shakes his head. "Just us." Gar clears his throat. "Rachel, knew though. We didn't tell her anything though."

"Hmm." Your eyes narrow for just a quick second. Rachel knew the boys were going to look up who you are and didn't tell you? Alright then. But, you don't say anything about it. Gar is at least her friend so maybe she didn't want to throw him under the bus for someone she doesn't even know. "Well, since you already took it upon yourselves to look into me," You suck in a breath. "Anything you actually want to know that I haven't said already?"

Gar looks at Jason and they're both almost certain this is some sort of trap. They're not entirely sure how but it has to be. You can't possibly be open to just discussing whatever questions they have about anything prior to coming here. You haven't been that open about anything. But Jason takes it as a challenge, if it's a trap, he'll walk right into it.

"How'd you end up in the system?" Jason asks, jerking his head up slightly. He kind of assumes it's the whole breaking into cars thing but he's curious.

"Busted breaking into a car because no one told me that hubcaps were the smarter option." You give Jason a joking glare, your voice holding tints of sarcasm. "I fucking tripped, can you believe that? Pavement was slick and I slipped." You let out a laugh.

When it happened, it was definitely not funny. It was disappointing and you felt like a failure. But, tonight, there's a part of it that you find funny. You ran those streets a million times in the pouring rain and never had any issues but that one night, you slipped. It's so dumb.

"Fell from a fence." Jason laughs.

"You guys tried to escape from the system?" Gar looks between the two of you. Of course, seeing what you’ve been through so far, he gets it but the entire system can't possibly be like that.

"Fuck yes." You and Jason say simultaneously.

"Clearly," You continue. "I had the right idea."

"Yeah, foster care is a fucking joke even if it's not as bad as what's his face." Jason shakes his head. He's had his fair share of time spent in foster homes and most of them weren't that bad. But, it wasn't the best time of his life either.

"Assuming you never got the lovely experience?" You ask Gar.

Gar shakes his head. "I went with Dr. Cauldon when I got better after he fixed me."

You offer him a sweet smile. "You're lucky." You clear your throat. "Uh, I mean, there are a lot of foster homes and stuff that aren't bad, of course, right? I mean, I met someone who ended up in a really good home. It's just..." You scrunch your face, trying to figure out how to phrase it.

"Do you want to take the risk in ending up in a bad one?" Jason asks the rhetorical question, finishing your thought.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Yeah, I knew a few people who ended up fine in their foster homes. So, it's not horrible but when it treats you like shit..." Jason turns his head at Gar.

"You turn a little bitter towards the system as a whole because the system should be in place to protect us. But, I was better off on the streets." You set the ice pack on the couch beside you. "So, I mean, you're lucky you didn't have to navigate it."

"I'm seeing that." Gar lets out a breath.

Lucky was never a word Gar would have used to describe himself. His parents die of a mysterious disease, he also gets the mysterious disease and the only way to survive was through a weird doctor. Then, he gets better and he's not even allowed to leave the manor. Of course, he did anyway but he wasn't supposed to. It's not like it was horrible at Doom Manor or anything because it wasn't but it also wasn't freedom or very fun. It was just existing to Gar and he never considered that to be lucky, not until meeting the Titans anyway. They've all had pretty horrible lives, actually, the more Gar thinks about it.

“So, any other questions?" You ask, mostly looking at Gar.

He has one but he's not sure if it's really appropriate. He mostly just wants to know what happened before Dick found you. Did Jerry really just leave you there alive and if so, why? Did he actually think you were dead? He's just curious how it all happened, he's glad it did but he wonders. On the other hand though, he doesn't want this to get uncomfortable or weird, although you seem to be comfortable with Jason asking questions.

"Did, uh, he really just leave you in that alley?" Gar asks.

"Uh..." You stutter, brows furrowed. You don't have much memory of it, actually. "It's kind of hard to remember." You suck in a breath and suddenly you’re nervous. Something about Gar asking makes you nervous, maybe it's because even when Jason is serious, you have a hard time taking him seriously where Gar, despite the quirkiness and softness and smiles, when he asks, he always seems serious. "I tried to come up with a plan for awhile to escape but I was always chained up and I didn't get to develop super strength or anything. Um....so...." You shake your head, wishing you had a hoodie on suddenly, feeling too exposed. "I figured it was do or die at some point." Your head hangs and you remember the day you made your decision.

It was a regular day for you, chained in the basement and injected with something new. Jerry got mad and that led to the same old situation. This time though, it broke you. There wasn’t anything different about it but it broke you. The exhaustion had finally set in and you were tired. You knew you’d give up soon, you could feel it in your blood so you hatched a half-assed plan.

"Let me preface this by saying that I didn't want to die, not really. I was just exhausted from it all and I needed to get out of there because he was gonna kill me at some point." You state looking between the boys and you feel the mental fatigue deep in your brain like a permanent virus just waiting to be activated again. "I-I decided I'd piss him off real bad one day." You say through gritted teeth, Gar and Jason hung onto every word.

The energy has shifted. It always felt light-hearted despite the seriousness of the discussion. You were joking and so was Jason, Gar giving you looks of disbelief but this is not that. Sometimes what the mind can do to someone is worse than anything someone else can physically cause.

"I knew he'd get really mad and one of two things would happen. One: either he would kill me and I'd be out of my fucking misery."

Gar winces at the thought, that's what you thought about? Having him kill you? And Jason can't fathom it. No amount shit he's been through has pushed him that far. He knew, of course, because you told him but it was very casual. This story while the same as the singular sentence you said about it, feels drastically different and far more upsetting than it did before.

"Or two: he'd beat me so bad he'd think I was dead and dump me somewhere." You tilt your head to the right. "It was risky and not calculated but to be honest, I did not give a flying fuck what would happen. Guess, he thought I was dead and now I'm here." You shrug. "I got good at staying calm so I didn't fight back. In a way, I supposed I faked my death." You scoff as you roll your eyes.

The room falls silent as you finish and you feel like you said way too much. You didn't mean to go that in-depth about it but you kept looking at Gar and his sad eyes and you just couldn't help it. He wanted honesty and you couldn't not give it to him, not with the look on his face. But, now you regret it because the look of sorrow on his face feels like it's going to be permanent when he looks at you and that's the last thing you wanted. And even Jason is just silent. The kid is literally never silent. He just said what you did was badass last night but apparently giving context, changes the attitude about it.

"As I said, I didn't want to die. It just...ya know?" You furrow your brows, dodging your eyes from the boys as you think of how to form your words. "You hit this breaking point at some point where you just can't take it anymore and that's the do or die moment and sometimes that's literal. It was for me. Do or die because I just could not do it anymore. I wanted to escape if that.... clarifies anything. I...I just wasn't....given more options."

"Why didn't you use your powers? You said it's because you were afraid he was going to kill you but if that was the plan anyway..." Gar's voice is raised a little like he's upset by what you did which, is fair. But, he's known you for three days and he doesn't have a right to be upset by it.

"I wanted to escape." You state, sympathizing with him being upset by it. "If I used my powers and he happened to have some, too, he'd definitely have killed me. That was the only way I could see to have a shot to live outside of that fucking basement."

"That's so fucked." Jason shakes his head and it's the same reaction he's had all night but is there anything else to say about it? It's all fucked.

"You've said that." You nod.

"It is. Still think it's badass you just took it though." Jason shrugs, not quite sure how to process any of it and Gar is taking it very seriously. Based on what you've told Jason, he thinks maybe you’ll shut down if something quick-witted or sarcastic or snarky isn’t said.

Gar gives Jason a disapproving look. It's not badass, not to Gar. It's sad. No one should be out there just shrugging off their possible death to escape a bad situation. Jason was at least right about it being fucked. But it's more than that. There is a deep, almost unbearable ache in Gar's chest looking at you and realizing that most of the bruises he can see, including the ones you normally have covered up, are all new. Most of them seem to be turning into shades indictive of healing though, which is good. It's hitting him how fresh of all that still is to you and maybe you’re right that trauma doesn't make people strong but to Gar, you are. To deal with that and come out the other end, willing to trust him and Jason now, after three days is incredible.

You don't seem desensitized talking to them. It's trust and while he wants to do everything in his power to protect you, he also admires you because he knows he could never have made that life-or-death decision. He would have fought to get out or just taken whatever was given to him.

"Please, don't apologize." You say, looking at Gar. You know he's going to, he has the whole time and you don't want or need it. It doesn't make any of it better. "It's not something--" You’re cut off as Gar just pulls you into a hug and your eyes widen.

The hug is gentle like he's afraid if he gives you a proper hug maybe you'll shatter into a million pieces like fragile porcelain. But it's how he knows to communicate best and it's better than apologizing again or just echoing Jason. This is something distantly Gar. And you have a sad smile as you hug him back and you do like his hugs. They're comforting and he's so warm. You wonder if that's just a Gar thing or if it's the mutant part of him that makes him so warm. But you like how it quiets the roaring in your head like a tunnel muffling the sounds of rain. You like that you can feel the warmth through your bones, the constant ache of just existing eases and you don't really want him to let go. But then he does because hugs don't last forever.

"Thanks." Your smile is shy as you look at him while he pulls away and Gar's cheeks burn.

Jason has one furrowed brow, Gar glancing over to him. "Don't fucking hug me." You burst out laughing as Jason looks a little too serious. Sometimes Gar gets into a mushy mood and Jason will never admit it, but he does kind of like when Gar gets like that. But, he’s trying very hard to break the tension in the room.

"Why would I hug you?" Gar scoffs through a laugh. Jason looks like he would murder anyone that showed any type of physical affection toward him right now. Gar isn't stupid.

"Way to ruin a moment, Jason." Your laugh starts to subside.

"You're welcome." Jason huffs, a smirk on his lips.

He didn't really ruin a moment exactly, he did however, break the tension. Shattered, actually. The sadness in the air disappeared with his single comment. Though, you wish you could have known where it would have went with Gar after the hug, just what he would have had to say if anything. But you won't complain for a good laugh.

"So, back at it tomorrow night?" Jason asks, cornered smirk at you.

"Fuck yeah." You agree and Gar lets out a defeated sigh. He can tell you two are going to cause trouble together.

"Can I come? Since I know about it now." Gar asks. Maybe he wants to be the look out or help. Or maybe he wants to be there in case Jason gets carried away, not that he thinks he will, but just in case, of course. Or maybe it's just as simple as Gar wanting to hang around you some more.

"I'm cool, you?" You ask Jason.

"Yeah, of course, man." Jason nods at Gar and they do say they're best friends but this is the first you’re actually getting see it. You think it's cute.

"Awesome, I'm gonna go to bed then, you guys?" You ask.

"Yeah," Gar nods with wide eyes as he stands up.

You give Jason a cornered look and Jason would normally stay up, just a little longer. There's no such thing as too much training. But, you did have an eventful night and maybe he could go for a little more rest tonight.

"Yeah, alright." Jason gets up from his spot and the three of you walk to your rooms.

Jason gives you both a quick "night" before heading into his room and shutting the door, leaving Gar and you. Jason can take a hint. Now, it's just Gar and you, standing outside your room and neither of you are sure why. You're going to bed but you opening up makes Gar feel closer to you. He'll never understand what you went through but he can try. He can be there if you need him to even if it's just to scream or sit in silence. It doesn't bother him either way. And you like how calm he makes you. No one's ever been very good at that. You’ve always had a fire about you and he calms it, not dampens it, just calms it. You like the way your stomach flips when he smiles at you and how much he listens. The only thing, you wish he would stop with the sad eyes but maybe he will now that he knows everything. Maybe, hopefully.

"Okay, I'm gonna go to bed. Goodnight, Gar." Your smile splits your face as you open your door, waving at him softly.

"Goodnight, Y/n." Gar says as he starts to walk off but before you close your door, he turns around. "If you, uh, can't sleep or have a nightmare...." Gar pauses not really knowing how to phrase it without it sounding presumptuous.

"Gotcha." You finish, holding a honey-like smile. "Thank you. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Gar sucks in a breath and this time, you both go to your rooms, doors closing behind you.

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