#but this show... i've watched it at least 7 or 8 times for the past year... not counting the previous years ofc

[fwb-anon]

♡ dear diary… ✁࿓ (014)

dear diary,

sorry for leaving you hanging. yuuji had entered the room, and i didn't want him to find you.

i've put a kuromi sticky note on the page where i stopped, and i'll put one when i tell you the rest of my night with toge. it's those sticky notes that aren't fully sticky, so you can bookmark with it. toge got a hello kitty pack, and gave me the kuromi ones.

i like kuromi. she's a bad bitch, like me.

anyway.

i felt a bit weird today. i received a letter, except i don't usually receive letters. so i looked at the return address, and there wasn't anything. so i opened it, and there was a letter, some bills, and an old photograph inside.

it was from my mom.

i don't want to talk about her. she doesn't deserve it.

but she knows about my life. because of yuuji. he kept in touch with her.

he said she's doing better, and that i should talk to her. i punched him when he said that.

the others stopped me right after, but it was too late anyway: he wanted me to talk to her. i resent her but she's still my mother, so i won't insult her... i feel bad when i do. like it's wrong.

anyway, i punched yuuji and i expected toge to be the first to tell me off, because yuuji is his baby, his favourite. but he didn't. he stared at me and grabbed my hand, too softly (it made me nervous). then, he pulled me inside the bathroom and said "tell me about her".

i didn't want to, but he specified: "why should i punch her?" and it might sound stupid, dear diary, but i feel like he really got me there.

so i told him. he already knew a bit, but i told him more. i told him why i didn't want to see her, and why i didn't want her money or nostalgia.

i didn't tell him about the nights spent outside with her, when she'd pretend she was drunk so we could "practice" bringing her home. or how she was a nice drunk, but still, i didn't want her like this at all. nice drunks are nice people, they don't harm. and the nights she made us believe she was drunk so we could learn how to handle her in the streets, and in the subway, and how to lift her despite her weight (because she was an adult and we were only seven or eight, or maybe ten)— i didn't tell him that. i don't think anyone would believe it.

also, when i told ume and mai about one of those drunk nights, i ended up in tears. i don't want to cry. even if it's angry tears.

anyway.

i told toge and i didn't cry. then, he stared and asked me where was the envelope. i told him, he left the bathroom for a bit, and came back with it.

"what do you wanna do with the money?"

i wanted to burn it, cut it into a thousand pieces, throw it at her face. but we didn't grow up privileged enough for me to go through with that.

"... give it to yuuji." sending gifts back is impolite. that's why i did it.

toge put the bills away and took out the letter. "what do you wanna do with this?"

i shrugged. i felt conflicted, i think.

"i wanna cut it." i added, "then keep it."

it felt different that way. like i was still angry... even though i don't know why i'd keep it. but toge nodded, and told me we'd do it later.

then, he took out the photograph. it was the five of us: grandpa, dad, mom, yuuji and me. it was very old.

"what do we do with this?" his tone was softer.

i didn't think twice. "hide it. don't tell me where... just hide it. and don't tell me when it's done. don't give me hints... pretend it never happened."

my eyes got wet for a second, because i remembered the ending to a show i really liked and somehow this felt like it.

toge kissed my forehead and stroked my cheek. "whatever you need." he made me look at him. "no more punching, okay?"

this made me cry a bit. he held me against him and pet my hair. it felt too nice.

i hate myself for this, dear diary, but when he was comforting me, the only thing i kept thinking was: i need a drink.

[agent-cupcake]

Flashbang

Chapter 1 - Puppet Loosely Strung

Spotify Playlist / All Chapters / Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 /Chapter 7/ Chapter 8 / Chapter 9 pt.1 / Chapter 9 pt.2 / Chapter 10 / Chapter 11 / Chapter 12

Pairing: One Piece Live Action Buggy x f! Reader

Synopsis: Running away to join the circus doesn’t go exactly as you hoped it would.

Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, murder, generally dark content

Word Count: 13.9k

Disclaimer: I don’t read the manga or watch the anime. This is based solely on OPLA Buggy because Jeff Ward.

Some quick notes before we start: This is what I've been working on this since October. Originally it was going to be one really big one-shot posted at the same time, but it's big enough that I can justify posting it as a series. I'll add warnings as I go, but this is not a happy story and there will be explicit content later on. The reader character might not be somebody you see yourself in, I had a very specific image of what character I had in mind while writing. To me, reader fic is more of a sort of play acting rather than "oh that's literally me" but I know that's not everybody's cup of tea. A lot of this is cope fic and it shows. When times get rough the porn gets rougher, right?

I had help writing this from an individual who is very dear to me. Flashbang wouldn't exist without her, especially since she was the one who gave me the clown brain rot. And then there has been the hours of brainstorming and spitballing and watching Jeff Ward shows/movies as she continued to feed my addiction. Thank you, my love, and also damn you because this wasn't what I needed.

New chapter every Sunday. Enjoy~

.

“Let me put myself in your shoes

As a puppet loosely strung

Around you, they were so confused

That a faulty man could have so much fun”

.

All it took was a little doubt. Through logic or confusion or wishful thinking, you could be convinced that the insignificant person who had parasitically driven you around for the past however many years was a stranger, and now they were gone. Everything that had ever happened fell into incomprehensible dust, and every thought you ever had belonged to somebody else. A cycle of a million memories you didn’t recognize spun through this foggy place, none of them real, none of them familiar. 

Logic, confusion, wishful thinking, or unconsciousness. An endless dream of nothing at all. But as soon as you became aware, it was awareness that those thoughts happened in the past tense, crushed inward by the unrelenting force of existence, and you were shoved back into a body. You—not the real you, the stranger you, the one made of heat and fury and pain, the one you couldn’t recognize—were gasping and thrashing in ignorant confusion, coughing out the sickening taste of blood in your throat. 

Everything, all of it, hurt. And that was all that existed. 

Until it wasn’t. 

Your panicked thrashing made you realize that you were upright, your body straining painfully against the various chains keeping you pinned against the wall in an X. The position put nearly all of your weight on your shoulders and left your head to sag heavily to the side, making the terrible, dizzying headache that much worse. Having suffered more than your fair share of them, you knew that this headache was from more than an uncomfortable position or your old injury. A hot throbbing pain radiated out from the back of your head, shooting little sparks down your spine. It hurt bad enough that nausea formed a tight, heavy ball in your stomach. Gritting your teeth, you forced your eye open, fighting the urge to cringe away from the light as it rolled this way and that. Colors and lights were nothing more than a nauseating smear, but at least you could see. 

Little by little, you became aware of yourself. From far away, you had a vague recollection of leaving, of nerves, excitement, and then of danger. But… no, why weren’t you at home? Doom settled in its rightful place as you realized exactly how little you remembered or knew, slotting into the spot of coherence and reason. Despite the pain, you fought against the shackles holding you in the uncomfortable position, irrationally desperate to be free of them. 

“There she is! Finally,” somebody said from your left. His voice hit like a hammer to the back of your aching head. You strained to look at the speaker, he sounded close, but you couldn’t turn your head far enough to make up for your limited vision. 

Luckily, he didn’t stay out of sight for long. The man’s boots were loud and deliberate as he slowly moved out of your literal blind spot. To your ill-adjusting eye, he was not much more than a blur of white and red and blue, his big smile smudged as you rapidly blinked to focus. A little shock of meaningless recognition in your brain saw the makeup and red nose and said ‘clown’, but the sheer ridiculousness of that made you even more sure that this wasn’t real. 

“Not a fun way to wake up, is it?” he asked. “Keep breathing, let it drain back and cough it out. Trust me, it’s over quicker that way.”

The question you tried to form was, “Who are you?” but all you could manage was a heavy groan followed by a fit of painful coughs, wheezing raggedly in between. Each desperate convulsion rattled the chains and caused the wood to creak, but did nothing to free your bound limbs. The man seemed bored by it, annoyed he had to wait for you to get ahold of yourself. 

Since he hadn’t immediately helped you down, you could only assume that he was the one who shackled you in the first place. Strung you up against a wooden board of some kind in a room you didn’t know. Cramped and windowless, it reeked of paint and sweat and sawdust and sweet salty rot—a unique smell that didn’t help your nausea. Clutter stacked up against the walls. Dense, humid air pressed against you like a heavy coat, paradoxically chilling. Probably because of the fever burning beneath your skin, slicking you up with sweat, soaking into your clothes and the bandana you kept wrapped around your head over the left eye.

Breathe. You focused on your breathing. Panic wouldn’t help you. 

“You done?” he asked. Without any other choices, you turned your head to shamefully wipe your face off on your sleeve before nodding. “Great. Well, now that you’re awake… Welcome!” He threw out his arms with the flamboyant manner of a showman with the greeting, but they wilted right after, his big smile dropping a bit. “Or, at least, that’s what I would say if you hadn’t let yourself in and stolen the opportunity from me.” 

That was bad. Very, very bad. You jerked in an awkward, uncoordinated burst, physically reacting to the danger he presented. 

“No, no, don’t leave on my account,” he said, waving his hands and getting closer as if to stop you. “Oh wait, you can’t! Hah! Yeah, ‘cause of the chains.” He smiled affably, like it was a harmless joke, standing close enough for his gloved fingers to skim along the chain wrapped around your neck. “I guess you’re not going anywhere, huh?” 

You didn’t respond, barely daring to breathe when he was so close. Smiles and melodrama aside, his blue eyes were oddly dead, fixed on you without the slightest bit of humor. And then it finally came back to you, the vital thing that you should have known, that you would have known if you weren’t strung up and suffering such a crippling headache. The makeup, the nose, the hat—

“You’re,” you began to say, but your voice was hoarse and weak, you could barely get it out when he was looking at you so closely, so intently. You cleared your throat, wincing at the metallic taste. “You’re the-that pirate captain Buggy, like on the-the poster?” Right! The clown guy, the red-nosed pirate. You were looking for him. So this was… good, wasn’t it? 

He gave you a flat look, clearly not sharing your weak enthusiasm. “Yes. I am that pirate captain. Buggy, the Genius Jester? The most feared pirate captain in all the East Blue?” He turned with a dramatic flick of his coat, messing with something that had to flash silver before you realized it was a knife. “The man destined to find the One Piece and become King of the Pirates. Yes. I am that pirate captain. And,” he paused, checking to make sure you were paying attention, “a very busy, very important man. I’ve got, oh, ten minutes or so for you to decide how this is gonna go. So let’s get straight to it.” He turned back, pointing the knife at you. “Who are you, and what are you after?”

The accusatory tone of his voice took you aback. “Nothing… I’m not anybody,” you stammered out. “And this… this isn’t what it looks like, I swear.”

Buggy, to your surprise, relented after a second of considering your appeal, nodding understandingly. 

There was no transition from his look of sympathy to raising the knife and aiming it at you. By the time you realized he meant to throw it, you barely had a chance to yelp. The blade took a loud, thumping bite into the wood beside you. On your left side, of course. Where you couldn’t see it. You could feel it, though. The air displacement ruffled the fine hairs around your ear. If you had flinched in that direction, it probably would be in your skull. With your dizzy head aching and confused, you had no regulation to your fear or discomfort, your breathing dangerously unsteady and tears pricking the corner of your eyes. 

“Let me try a different question,” Buggy said before you could collect yourself, pulling out another knife. “Who else knows about this place?”  

“Nobody! I swear, nobody else. I was just…” You didn’t know what to say. It was all you could do to breathe the thick, heavy air and fight down the tide of nausea.  

“Just what?” Buggy asked, leaning in with raised eyebrows to show that he was listening intently. You opened and closed your mouth, unable to come up with the right words. Thoughts churned through the thick sludge in your head, getting stuck or lost or confused. 

“I’m so sorry,” you said, the stumbling apology coming out more naturally than anything else, an attempt to buy time while you organized your thoughts. “Please doh-don’t…. I’m so ss-sorry.” 

Buggy sighed, standing up straight and raising his hand to aim. 

“Nonono, please d-” You yelped louder this time, flinching away as the knife streaked through the air and stuck not even an inch away from your right cheek. You exhaled a pathetic little sob, whatever you were bound to shaking with your body. 

“Listen, honey buns,” Buggy said. “Drop the act. Stop the whining. I caught you, red handed, sneaking into my lair.” He pulled something out of his pocket. Not another knife, but a piece of paper which he unfolded, holding it up for you to see. His wanted poster, creased into sixths from the way you folded it to keep it close, to keep it hidden. “I found this in your bag. You know who I am, and you know where you are. You have to, so let’s do away with all the theatrics, okay?” 

You swallowed hard, nodding quickly in the hope that it would appease him. 

“Right now, this is a conversation,” Buggy said, gesturing between the two of you. “A light interrogation, really. But if you keep being uncooperative and wasting my time, it’s gonna go from being interrogate-y to being torture-y real quick. You don’t want that, right?” Although he was unmistakably threatening you, Buggy’s tone was more natural than before. There was a bluntness to it, an honesty. Men like him didn’t idly use words like torture. 

You sniffed, trying very hard to calm yourself down. This was a misunderstanding, so you just had to convince him. Simple as that. He would understand. You would make him understand.

“Right,” you agreed. 

“Fantastic. So,” he loudly clapped his hands together, “who else knows about this place?”

“Nobody, I promise… I’m really sorry I broke in,” you told him, speaking slowly so your words didn’t catch. “I just wanted to meet with you.” 

Buggy’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, the hair hanging out from the sides of his hat swaying as his head tilted curiously. “You’re a fan?” he clarified. “That explains why you’re so pathetic. Well I hate to break it to you, but there’s a reason I only hold meet and greets after shows.” 

“No, that’s not why! I-I want to join your crew,” you said. “I came to ask you to let me join your crew.” 

He blinked twice, staring at you with obvious disbelief. “Excuse me, what?” 

“I want to be a pirate,” you told him, louder. “Please. Please let me join your crew.”

Buggy’s expression didn’t change, but you could see the rippling shift of incredulity, befuddlement, skepticism, and then amusement in his eyes. That emotion burst outward into a loud laugh, making you flinch. “That’s the best you can do?” he asked. “Ask to join my crew?” He looked at you again, laughing even harder. “I don’t know what’s funnier—that anybody would send you to spy on me, or that you’d think I would consider hiring you.” 

“I mean it!” you argued, humiliation and desperation seeping into the thousand other discomforts of your position. This wasn’t at all how you wanted this to go.

“Sweetheart,” Buggy said condescendingly, “even assuming I believe you, this is a pirate crew, not an afterschool club.”

“I know. I know what pirates do, I know what you do,” you told him. “I’ll do anything, whatever you want. Please, please, just give me a chance.”

He nodded, turning to pace as he thought about it. 

“Okay, let’s say that I buy this… this act of yours,” Buggy said. “Do you have any experience? Maintaining ships, reading maps, loading cannons. You know, basic stuff.”

There was a line you had prepared to answer this question, one that would paint you in the most charitable light. You remembered that, but you couldn’t remember the line. All you could give was the truth. “A little.”

He clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “Thought so. What about specialties? Unique skills? Any sort of talent that I can use in my show—anything at all. I mean other than,” he gestured vaguely in your direction, “that. We don’t need another one eyed midget. They’re surprisingly common.” 

“I’m not a midget,” you told him, nerves fading to incredulity. 

Buggy stepped back to size you up before seemingly conceding the point with a shrug. “And the eye?” He covered his left eye to illustrate. “Is that for a bit or something?” 

Your stomach twisted with a familiar lurch. Disgust. Shame. Phantom light in the dark. “It’s not.” 

“How’d you lose it?” 

“I didn’t… lose it.” 

“It’s still in there?” he asked excitedly, stepping forward and reaching to remove the bandana. “I have got to see this.” 

“No, please—please don’t,” you begged, trying to wriggle away from his hand. Pinned to the board with your hands bound above your head, there was nowhere to go. “Please don’t, please-” 

“Come on,” Buggy said, indifferent to your pleas as he pulled the sweat soaked fabric off of your left eye. “How bad could it be—AH!” He yelled in horror, jumping away as if you’d bitten him. 

The bandana hit the floor, leaving your ruined eye and its jagged scar exposed. You couldn’t hide. All you could do was flinch back, turning your head away. “I’m sorry,” you said, ready to continue apologizing before you realized that his shock had immediately dissolved into raucous laughter. “Why are you… why are you laughing?” you asked, pulling desperately against the chains. 

“I got you good,” Buggy said, his laughter subsiding. “The way you reacted, I thought that you’d be completely deformed. A real sideshow. But this…” He grabbed your chin, forcing it to the side so he could get a better look. “I couldn’t charge for this.”

“Please stop,” you begged, shaking off his grip and staring hard at his shoulder. 

“Ohhh. You’re really embarrassed about it.”

You didn’t say anything, focusing mostly on fighting the tears. 

“Okay, alright, yeah,” Buggy said, stepping back. “I think I’m starting to get why you would risk life and limb to beg me for a job. You grew up as a cute girl in a shithole town like this. A big fish in a little pond, as they say. Then, suddenly, BAM, you’re deformed, and, sure, they all say that it was tragic, but the truth is that they can’t stand to look at you. Even the people who loved you, the people you trusted, think you’re a freak. They abandoned you. So, without any other options, you come to me, pleading for me to give you a place amidst your fellow freaks. That about it?”

You didn’t say anything—what could you say to that?— which Buggy seemed to take as confirmation, nodding thoughtfully. 

“Well, go big or go home, right? As far as a starlet’s breakout role, you couldn’t go any bigger. Thing is, I’m not really looking for new acts. Not to mention your abysmal audition.” He sucked in a breath through his teeth, looking you up and down again. 

You could feel your chance slipping away. Just like that. Go big or go home, that’s what he said. 

“Please, Captain Buggy,” you begged, staring him in the eye despite how disquieting it was, despite how your skin crawled from exposing your left eye to somebody. Addressing him properly, at the very least, got his attention. “I promise that you won’t regret it. I’ll learn, I want to learn how to be a pirate, how to perform, all of it, everything. And if I can’t, I’ll do laundry and clean and cook, I have lots of experience with that. I don’t care what you ask me to do, if you let me join your crew, I’ll happily serve you for the rest of my life.”

Buggy didn’t respond right away. You thought—hoped—that it meant he understood how serious you were, but his expression gave you nothing. There wasn’t much light in the room in the first place, but somehow he found enough to shine unnervingly in his pale blue eyes. Somebody with a bright red clown nose shouldn’t have been able to look so intimidating, but the way he studied you burned with an uncomfortable intensity. It had been a while since anybody looked at you so frankly, so openly, without disgust or pity. 

“Why?” he finally asked. 

“Why…?” you repeated, confused.

“I get that you want to leave this place, and I even buy into your whole wanting to be a pirate thing, but, you know, aside from the obvious,” he gestured to himself, “why should I believe that you really want to serve me? You’re young and cute…ish, don’t you want freedom and empowerment and all those other things girls go on and on about?” 

Your eyebrows furrowed. “Why would I?” 

A moment of quiet that wasn’t quite silence but twice as heavy passed before a slow smile began to spread over Buggy’s face, and then—of all the bizarre, uncomfortable responses he could have—he laughed. “Oh, you’re broken, aren’t you?” he asked, clearly overjoyed by the revelation. “Well, I’m sold. I’ll have to start you on probation just in case you’re secretly up to no good. But, after that, you can audition for real. I’m sure I can find something you’ll be useful for.” 

His reaction gave you whiplash. The word ‘broken’ was obviously bad, but everything else was good. You had succeeded. Only, you didn’t know why. You were still trying to decide if being called cute-ish was a compliment or not. 

“Hey, just one more thing, okay?” Buggy asked, tapping your cheek. Standing mere inches away, he smiled a rictus grin. It wrinkled his eyes, but they were without life or pity or mercy. “If you’re lying to me about anything, I’ll carve some symmetry into your cute little face. You’ll thank me for it too. You won’t want to see what the guys will do to you after I toss you out there.”

“I’m not lying,” you said softly, shrinking back. “I promise.” 

“Great!” Buggy said, his demeanor immediately cheering up. “Let’s get you down.” He walked behind the board you were strung up on, and you let out a shaky exhale. “Brace yourself,” he called. You had no idea what that meant, or how you were supposed to brace yourself when there was nothing for you to brace yourself on. “Three… two…” 

He undid the lock, and the chains keeping you bound to the board went slack. You dropped hard, your limbs as heavy as lead. Luckily, your head was too light to feel anything when you hit the ground with a dull thump and the loud cacophony of rattling chains, spinning and blank and utterly empty. There was a suspended moment of floating, lighter than air itself. And then you were blinking rapidly and nauseous, pain shooting up your arms and knees. 

Buggy dropped a key in front of you, metal bouncing on the old concrete. 

“Unfortunately we didn’t bring any real props with us, so I had to improvise,” he said. With numb fingers, you grabbed the key and worked it into the locked cuff around your wrist. “You lucked out, if this were the real Wheel of Death, you’d be blowing chunks!” He paused, looking down at you. “Can you hurry this up?”

“Sorry,” you said. Your shaking hands kept missing the keyholes, but you finally got the last lock on your ankle open. The cuffs hadn’t broken skin, but your wrists and ankles were rubbed raw, ugly bruises already developing. You’d had worse.

“Alright, upsy daisy,” Buggy said, crouching down to take the key away and grab the only chain you hadn’t gotten out of—the one around your neck. 

It acted as a noose, giving you no other choice but to lurch upward with an unappealing choking sound, your head spinning all over again, the weightless itch tingling all the way down to the base of your spine. You stumbled forward, unintentionally falling against him. 

“Holy shit,” Buggy exclaimed, helping you stand up straight with a hand on your shoulder. “I didn’t know girls came in fun size. Legally, at least. Are you sure you’re not just like… the maxiest midget?” 

“‘m dizzy,” you muttered, swaying despite his support. 

“That’s not really… Ah, whatever. Hey, at least if you fall, you don’t have that far to go.”

“I’m… I’m okay,” you finally said, which was mostly true. Breathing slow, steady breaths helped, and then you shook your head a little. The bump on the back of it throbbed painfully, and you’d have bruises on your knees the size of apples, but you would survive. You were still trying to get control over your body. It was heavy and unwieldy, although part of that must have been the exhaustion. 

“If you need to vomit, make sure to aim away from me,” he said. That was about all the warning you got before he decided it was time to go, dragging you along behind him like a dog on a leash. 

You realized you were leaving your bandana behind, your left eye uncovered, and reared back, trying to stop him. “Wait, I have to grab my-” 

“No time,” he said, talking over you and tugging again at the chain. 

There was nothing you could do but stumble over your own feet to keep up with him as he led you through the cluttered and dark storage area. You felt a tiny bit of relief that you were still in the familiar decaying buildings northside. The old warehouses were dark, dank, and dingy. Easily defended and difficult to navigate, perfect for criminals to hide out in. You knew them very well, and that helped orient you.  

"As I’m sure you noticed, I’m running a bit of a skeleton crew here. The rest aren’t coming ‘til the grand finale,” Buggy said, leading you into the main warehouse space by the chain around your neck like it was completely normal. The awful smell of rot and decay was only compounded by a sickly sweet, chalky scent you didn’t recognize. Gray sunshine flooded in through the broken windows around the high ceilings, piercingly bright. “And after that, we’re gonna blow this town.”

You didn’t respond, growing even more skittish. The two of you drew the attention of the people scattered around. Some were lounging, others were training. All of them turned to look at you, watching with the dark, focused stare of hungry dogs. Colorfully dressed, very dangerous dogs. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have an introduction to make!” Buggy called in a loud enough voice to fill the large space. “Crew, new girl. New girl, crew. Make sure to give her a nice, warm welcome." None of them spoke or reacted, watching you with varying degrees of hostility. Buggy pulled you forward a few steps so he could whisper to you. “See that guy?” he asked, pointing to a bald man with square features and an especially dark glare. “That’s Ivo. He was the one who caught you. To be completely honest, I think he’s still a little angry that he didn't get to keep you. If I were you, I’d try to stay on his good side.”

“How?” you asked, your uneasy stomach sinking further, but Buggy was already preoccupied with something else. 

“Oh, hey-” he called, flagging down a woman who was leaning against one of the steel supports. You stumbled behind him, holding the chain around your neck to ease the pressure. “Crina, I have got a very important job for you.” 

The woman slowly looked from Buggy to you, giving you a weighty once-over with dark, kohl-lined eyes. Her clothes were different from the rest, draped with beads and loose and layered in shades of purple. Beneath the mystique, however, you felt the same hardness you recognized in all the pirate’s faces. “You want me to look after the little rat,” she said with an accent you didn’t recognize.

"God, it’s like you can read minds or something,” Buggy said, laughing. “Anyway, yes. Make sure she doesn’t get up to anything naughty while I’m gone. In fact, don’t let her out of your sight.” 

“With all due respect,” Crina said, “why not just kill her?” 

“Because I don’t want her dead,” Buggy snapped, suddenly irritated. If Crina was surprised or off put by the abrupt change of his mood, she didn’t show it. 

“Of course, captain.”  

“I thought I saw some cages over there,” Buggy said, gesturing vaguely and forcing the chain into Crina’s hand. “Stick her in one of those. In the back, away from any prying eyes.”  

“A cage?” you asked.

“As fun as it is to see you all chained up,” Buggy said. “I worry that it might send the wrong message. Out of sight, out of mind—I don’t need you distracting my crew. They’re planning a very big surprise party. If you behave, I might be able to find some time for you later. Sound good?” 

You nodded, almost surprised by how good that sounded. He ruffled your hair before turning away, barking orders to some of the men. 

“Let’s go,” Crina said, pulling your attention back to her. “We have our orders.”

The cage Crina put you in, one out of several bolted to the floor in the corner out of the way from the main space, had just enough room for you to sit slouched, or lay curled on your side, meant for big dogs or small humans. There was a market for both, and you knew that this warehouse had likely housed both. 

The old, dilapidated buildings had been out of use for a long time, as long as you could remember. Barley Village had been originally built to be close to the mineral deposits, but as those dried up and industry trended towards the water, southward expansion left all of the old buildings empty and rotting. There was always talk about tearing them down, but it was only ever talk. One time you were told that some people wanted to keep the buildings available to people who wished for some privacy. But when you asked your dad if that was true, he got angry, telling you that was a lie, that he would never let that happen. He said it would just be too expensive to take them down, and that there was really no point in it.

But he also told you to never, ever spend time northside. Of all of the rules he gave you, that was the only one you ever truly disobeyed. You had no idea how many times you had gotten in trouble for playing here, climbing up rusted stairs and crossing the support beams up by the ceiling, using rocks to knock out the jagged edges of broken glass from the windows so you could go onto the rooftops. Your health problems made it difficult, and sometimes impossible, but you were patient. Plus, that had been before the accident, when your coordination was still good.

Back then, you didn’t worry about the many dangers that lurked here, and you certainly didn’t believe you could be hurt. You were too entranced by the world you created for yourself. The only thing you worried about was the beatings you earned when you got caught. Dad used to tell you that if you kept disobeying him by going northside, you’d wind up locked in one of these cages—or worse. It took you a while to think of the word, because it wasn’t funny, but it also was. Ironic. It was ironic.

You couldn’t even imagine what kind of reaction he would have to what you had done now, what punishment you would earn. It would be bad. You knew it would be very bad. 

Better not to think about it. Falling unconscious after being hit on the head was the most you had slept for the previous two days. It was the level of exhaustion that you could be staring down the business end of a sword with indifferent, sleepy eyes. Being locked up was bad, very bad, but you were content to lay listlessly on your side.

At some point, you must have fallen asleep because you weren’t entirely conscious when somebody kicked the front of your cage. “Hey, wake up.” Your physical response was to startle, jolting you awake enough to flinch away from the violence. But it was only Crina who crouched in front of the cage. “I have food for you. And medicine for the headache. I’m going let you out, and I suggest you don’t try to run. If the guys get a hold of you, I won’t stop them.”

“I won’t run,” you told her, your voice hoarse, your eyes fixed on what she had brought. A bowl of something that looked like stew and a bottle. More than food, you wanted water. Crina undid the lock and you shuffled out of the cage. Your head spun just as badly as it had when you dropped onto the floor earlier, your vision crawling with darkness and stomach heaving unhappily. She was right about the headache. It wasn’t a pain you ever got used to, no matter how many days you spent laid out from one. After an uneasy moment, you sat on the floor, grabbing the water and eagerly uncapping it. 

“Hand,” Crina said, holding out a glass bottle. You allowed her to shake two capsules into your palm, tossing them into your mouth before taking in a blessedly wet mouthful of water. It soothed your tongue and throat like a salve, although you knew your stomach wouldn’t be quite so happy to receive anything. The stew’s scent alone made your stomach clench and churn with equal parts hunger and nausea. Slow. You had to take it slow. 

“Thank you,” you told her, picking up the bowl. She’d brought a wrapped sailor’s biscuit to eat it with. Not very appetizing, but you hadn’t eaten much more than you slept. It could have been saw dust and you would have been grateful. 

“I have your bag,” she said to fill the silence as you ate, pushing the limp canvas towards you. “They took anything that looked valuable, but your clothes are all there. They need to be washed. I’ll lend you something to wear in the meantime.”

Since your mouth was full, you nodded your thanks.

“While you eat, I’m going to talk. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to,” Crina said. “You don’t strike me as the talkative type.”

She didn’t say that in an accusatory tone, but it still caused your heart to skip with anxiety. The fear had to be irrational, it wasn’t as if you had lied to Captain Buggy, so what did you have to worry about? Besides, only the guilty feared scrutiny, that was a favored line of your dad’s. 

“There’s a man in town asking if anyone has seen a girl. Petite. Missing an eye. Mentally unwell. He’s concerned that she might have gotten lost somewhere,” Crina told you. “From what I gather, her father is a pillar of the community. They’re all very worried.” 

You averted your gaze, anxiously pulling your hair to cover your left eye. Of course Randall would be looking for you, although you had hoped you would have more time before he noticed your absence. It didn’t matter that you left in such a way to raise as little suspicion as possible, or that you were an adult, or that you didn’t want to be found. Your dad asked him to be your keeper while he was gone, and Randall did as your father said. Everybody did. 

“Finish your food,” Crina prompted. “It’s worse when it’s cold.” 

Right. You started eating again, your movements mechanical. She said nothing, and you had nothing to say. 

“Everybody has their reasons for turning to piracy, and they’re not always pleasant,” Crina suddenly said. “Unless it interferes with my own business, I don’t care about who you were and why you ran away. It was a stupid choice, I think you know that. I won’t try and convince you to leave. Buggy seems to like you, so you wouldn’t be able to go anyway. But you need to understand that there will be consequences. The life you had before, no matter how terrible, did not prepare you for the life you’ve thrown yourself into.”

You stared hard at the bowl, thinking about that. It was true, you had to accept that you had blindly stumbled into a world you knew nothing about. But what choice did you have? The things that led you to this point were arranged like the rusty, creaky rungs of a ladder scaling the side of a building. Climbing up had always been the easy part, it was the inevitable descent that gave you trouble. You had to go slow, one rung at a time, blindly feeling with your toes, holding on with sweaty fingers, not looking up and not looking down because once you were on the ladder, you could only keep going. The first rung was spotting the Buggy Pirates, which you only did because you were sulking around the docks after seeing your father off on his trip. You only recognized the crew because your dad kept track of pirate captains with significant bounties. You only had the courage to sneak away from your house because dad was too far away to stop you. You only had the ability to scope out Buggy’s temporary hideout because of how much time you spent northside when you were younger. Those things all connected and followed so naturally and you didn’t know if fate existed, but you knew for a fact that you wouldn’t have wound up here on your own volition. It wasn’t a choice you made, it was the only way to get down from the roof that you had been stranded on for so long.

“I’ll give you some advice,” Crina continued, her tone lighter, “and I suggest you listen. You’re young and pretty, and you wouldn’t be the first to try and use that to get an advantage. It might work for a while, but men will get bored and your looks will fade. Before long you’ll be spat out into a cheap whorehouse with a couple of children you can’t afford and a hell of a rash.” 

The whiplash from your thoughts to the conclusion she had drawn made your stomach twist with disgust. “No,” you said. Was that what she thought of you? Even if the idea was utterly ridiculous, shame rolled uncomfortable through you. “I would never—I could never ever do that.” 

“Don’t be naive,” Crina said, rolling her eyes. “The boys you’re used to are disgusted by that scar, but the kind of men you’ll meet from now on won’t be. If your low self-esteem dictates who you let between your legs, you’ll find yourself in the gutter. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t sleep with men to get an advantage if that’s an option, only that you must be smart about it.” 

You pulled your hair forward again, shaking your head clear of what she was saying. She didn’t understand. It wasn’t the assumption that men would be repulsed by your scar—which they would be, you knew that—but that you didn’t have it in you to invite or manipulate male attention. In so many ways you were already ruined, but to stoop down to letting other men touch you would be too far, it would destroy you.

“Assuming you live past tomorrow night,” Crina continued, “get a knife and figure out how to use it. The men aren’t going to accept you as a member of the crew until you prove yourself. So if anybody gets too close, you prove yourself with blood.” 

“Do you think they’ll try to hurt me?” 

“I think you look like an easy target,” she said. “And I know you have no concept of self preservation or defense.”

“Yes, I do,” you said, frowning. You had made it this far, after all. That was more than anybody would have thought of you. 

“You don’t,” she said plainly. “The tablets I gave you are for treating pain, but imagine if they weren’t. You didn’t so much as ask me to clarify what they were.” 

You opened your mouth to argue, and closed it, shame squeezing your throat. You hadn’t even thought about that.

“It might not matter anyway,” she said, “depending on Buggy’s reasons for keeping you.”

“What do you mean?” 

Crina gave you a long, pitying look and you could tell there was something she wanted to say, something she was holding back. Eventually she shrugged. “That is between the two of you.”

You wanted to push for more, confused by the cryptic answer, but you didn’t. You could tell by the hard look on her face that she wouldn’t tell you anyway. 

“One more thing. The most important thing,” Crina told you, leaning close so she could whisper. “Never, ever mention the captain’s nose. In fact, never mention noses at all.” 

“His nose?” you repeated softly. “Is it… is it real?” 

“What did I just say?” she asked sharply. “He killed a few of the last new recruits for saying something that sounded like nose while he was in a bad mood.”

“He… killed them?” you asked. 

“Buggy is a very temperamental man,” she said, leaning back. “Try not to get on his bad side.”

“It sounds like you don’t like him.” 

“I do, actually. God knows why. Are you finished?” 

“Yes, thank you.” 

“Come on then,” Crina told you, getting to her feet and dusting herself off. “There’s running water on the other side. I’ll keep watch so you can clean up.”   

Although birds called and the breeze carried all sorts of noises from Barley Village, none of it really reached the northside. A solemn graveyard hush settled heavy between the wreckage of ruined buildings, drafty even in broad daylight. No ghosts hid in the shadows, no historical tragedy marred its name, but there remained the haunted imprint of people who were no longer around. 

Before setting you on your task of the day, Crina had given you a dress of hers to wear while your own clothes dried in the sun. You swam in it, but a sash at the waist made the fit look somewhat intentional and the long sleeves hid the ugly bruises cuffing your wrists. That, combined with having slept the previous night and most of the day, left you feeling oddly refreshed. Sure, all of the sleep had been in a cage and the only ‘bath’ you had was a couple of minutes alone with a spout that spat freezing water and a washcloth, but it was better than yesterday. Better than the day before that too, save for the bruises and big goose egg bump on the back of your head.  

Despite the headache, you were glad to be given something to do. The task wasn’t difficult. Busywork that kept you out of the way. Checking to ensure that everything which would be loaded on the ship was documented, organized, and ready for transport. It wasn’t entirely unlike what you had done in the past and, you imagined, would be doing in the future. It was, however, the opposite way around. The goods were obviously looted, you were creating a list to know exactly what and how much of it had been stolen. 

Vinegar, oil, wax.

You used the end of the pen to scratch beneath your bandana, which Crina had kindly retrieved for you. Sometimes the scar got itchy, like it had when it was healing. 

Twine, needles, thread. 

There was a particular smell to supply crates like these. Something to do with the place they were stored, or where they were made. Even now, years since you had been on a ship, it was overwhelmingly familiar. It made your stomach ache and chest clench, although you weren’t sure which quality of the scent was so unsettling. 

You scratched the scar again.

Vinegar, oil- 

Wait, you had already done that. Annoyed, you crossed out those words and crouched down to get into the next crate. Rope. It was coiled in tight loops like a huge snake, coarse beneath your fingers. Anything that was strong enough to endure the fury of the sea had to be coarse. Good rope was vital on a ship, you knew that even with your limited experience. Touching it reminded you of the time your dad tried to show you how to tie knots, and then subsequently had to treat your rope burn.

What would he think when he returned? Retired Marine or not, he was deeply involved with northside business and law. Missing supplies, missing daughter. Sometimes you felt an acidic sort of pleasure when imagining his reaction to your absence, but usually it was just dread.

Or worse. Prickling paranoia. You could run, for a time. But that was all it was. Running. He used to be a Marine, it wouldn’t be difficult for him to find you. When you were younger, the thought gave you comfort. 

But you didn’t want to think about that. Not at all. Not ever again. You stared very hard at the rope, desperate to put those thoughts out of your mind. 

You stared and stared and stared and-

Somebody grabbed you around the bicep, dragging you to your feet and forcing you back to reality. Yelping in fear, you were nearly knocked back down from the bloodrush dizziness of standing up too fast, saved only by the crates. 

“Good god, girl,” the unfamiliar man said, taking a step back, clearly put off by your reaction. “Are you deaf or something? I hollered at you three or four times. Were you sleeping?” 

Putting a hand to your racing heart, you looked from him to the still open crate and the notepad you had abandoned mid-task. You had no idea how long you had been sitting there. Long enough for your foot to go numb, prickling with pins and needles now that you were standing up. 

“I’m sorry,” you told him.

“The captain wants to see you. It’s urgent,” he said. When you didn’t immediately respond, still orienting yourself, he sighed impatiently and grabbed your elbow, physically dragging you away. You stumbled to keep up, trying very hard to avoid falling. “If Buggy asks why you took so long, you better tell him it was your fault.”

“I will,” you said to appease him, attempting to shake off his hand before realizing that it was pointless. “Please slow down.” 

“Not my fault you’ve got stumpy legs,” he said. “Keep up.” 

The unfairness of that stung, but you didn’t have much choice. You had a feeling that he’d keep on pulling you along even if it meant dragging you across the ground. 

“Where are we going?” you asked, embarrassingly out of breath. 

“There,” he said, nodding to one of the waterfront buildings. At least it was close. You never strayed so close to the water, the buildings were too squat to make for fun exploration and too exposed to give cover. 

The pirate released you when you got to the door, leaving you winded and scared. You adjusted your bandana and tried to catch your breath. “Don’t forget to tell him it was your fault it took so long, not mine,” he said, opening the door.

“I won’t,” you promised, the words papery thin on your dry tongue.  

You were in trouble. You had no idea what you might have done, but there had to be something. Why would you be summoned like this otherwise? A very bad feeling pressed against your sternum, but you forced yourself to walk forward. The door shut behind you. Inside, the air was dark and cool and wet, sending a little shiver down your spine. 

Buggy stood in the middle of the room, the only place where the sun found its way between the mangled teeth of glass and steel that used to be windows, his own little spotlight amidst the ruins. There were three other men on the edges of the light, their backs to you. One of them was bound. You did not like this. 

“There she is!” Buggy exclaimed, inviting you forward with his arms spread wide. “Come on, don’t be shy. Especially not after keeping us waiting so long. Your friend over here could hardly handle the suspense. 

Rocks and broken glass crunched beneath your feet as you approached them. Once you got close enough, finally, you could see the faces of the other men. One was the square-featured, angry man Buggy called Ivo. Another, a man you didn’t know. And the third, the one bound with a busted lip and developing black eye—

Randall called your name, trying to escape and rush to your side. Ivo grabbed him, pressing the blade of his knife against his throat.

“See, I told you, they’re working together,” Ivo said, glaring at you. “She tipped him off. No doubt this place will be swarming with the law before long.”

You stood completely still, staring at Randall with the steadily rising tide of panic sloshing in your stomach. After everything you had done to misdirect him, the note you left to beg he didn’t follow, the trouble you had put yourself through to keep from being seen, he was still here. 

“Are you okay?” Randall asked, looking you up and down frantically, concerned in a way he never had looked before. “Did they hurt you?” 

“I told you, she’s fine,” Buggy said with a grin. “I mean, yeah, Ivo over there did give her a little knock on the ole noggin—a love tap, really—but the eye was already like that when we found her.” 

“I wasn’t asking you,” Randall said, glaring at Buggy. 

“Shut up,” Ivo said, pressing the knife close enough to Randall’s throat that it broke skin. 

“No, no, let him go,” Buggy ordered casually, waving his hand. “He’s not gonna do anything stupid.” He threw an arm around your shoulder. “Not when I’ve got her.” 

Ivo reluctantly complied, releasing Randall. He watched you intently, and you knew what he was thinking. How could he save you?  

“Ivo over there thinks that the two of you are working together,” Buggy told you, smiling. His arm was heavy around your shoulders, oppressively so. “He thinks that we should kill you both.” 

“I’m not—I wouldn’t,” you told him. 

“And see, I wanna believe you. I really do. But he’s not talking, and,” Buggy ran his finger over your right cheek, reminding you of his threat from yesterday, “I’m starting to worry you’ve been lying to me.”

“I’m not,” you said, ice cold dread dripping into your veins a drop at a time. You fought your discomfort and forced yourself to meet his eyes, hoping he could see your sincerity. “I promise I’m not.” 

“Then how did he find this place?” 

“I don’t… I don’t know…”

“She used to hide here when we were kids,” Randall answered. “I thought she ran away, not that you freaks had kidnapped her. If I had known I’d find pirates here, I would have come armed.”

“Is that true?” Buggy asked you, pulling you even closer. Close enough to be embarrassing, to give the wrong impression, especially when he was stroking your cheek with a sort of affection that didn’t mesh with the danger in his blue eyes.

“I told you it is. Let her go, clown!” Randall shouted. His voice was loud enough to echo, and harsh enough to make you wince. That sort of rage wasn’t one you expected from him, but it was familiar all the same. 

“Oh, wow,” Buggy said with a laugh, looking up at him. “Is that jealousy I hear? She didn’t tell me she was leaving behind a boyfriend.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you said softly, your insides twisting at the thought. 

“Really?” Buggy asked. He shrugged, and looked at Randall. “If you’re not doing this because you want to have sex with her, why are you here?” 

“I am a dear friend—both to her and her dad,” Randall answered. “He asked me to look after her because she… She’s not in a sound state of mind. And she’s the only family he has left. Without her, he’ll have nothing.” He grit his teeth. “Take me, kill me if you’re that thirsty for blood, but let her go. Please.”

“You’re a real knight in shining armor. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but she came here all on her own,” Buggy said, releasing you to approach him instead. “She begged to join my crew, got down on her knees and told me that she would be happy to serve me for the rest of her life. It was the most adorable thing.”

“No,” Randall said, his face twisting with disgust. “You’re lying. She wouldn’t do that.”

“Ask her yourself,” Buggy invited, stepping aside and sweeping out his arm. All eyes landed on you like a spotlight. Blood rushed in your ears, and you felt dizzy with it, ready to pass out on the spot. When you looked at Buggy, he smiled and nodded encouragingly. 

“It’s true,” you said.

“No. That is impossible,” Randall said. “This is insane. You are mad, you cannot make decisions like this for yourself.” You stared at his feet, your hands balled into fists. You were not crazy. You were not. That had to be true. “Whatever hysterics brought you here, give it up. These are pirates.”

“I’m a pirate too,” you declared, your hands forming fists at your sides. You weren’t crazy, or mad. You were thinking very clearly, more than you had in a while. 

“No, you are your father’s daughter,” Randall insisted, loud enough to make you flinch. “Can you imagine the agony he would feel hearing you say that?”

Your breathing was too fast, rapid enough to make your head spin. You kept shaking your head, tears flying off of your cheek, but you couldn’t recall when you had begun to cry. “I don’t care.” 

“Don’t care…? This bastard has already gotten into your head,” Randall said. “He has poisoned your broken mind with his lies and manipulations, please don’t let this go any further.”

You shook your head again, but there was nothing you could think of to say. You didn’t want to talk anymore, you just wanted this to be over. 

“Believe me, as much as I would love to claim otherwise, I had nothing to do with this,” Buggy said, raising his hands innocently. “You’ve got no one to blame but yourself. Think about what would drive a girl like this into the arms of a pirate. A broken heart, maybe? Was that your doing, lover boy? Did you break her heart? Make her feel like she wasn’t good enough?” 

“Keep your big goddamned nose out of our business, clown,” Randall said. 

The other pirates audibly gasped, and you could feel the sudden zap of tension in the air. Buggy’s taunting smile froze in place, his posture icing over like a statue. And then, a second later, he was rushing at Randall, burying his fist in the other man’s stomach. Randall crumpled onto his knees with a heavy grunt and you waited for something else, something worse. Crina said that Buggy had killed over jokes about his nose, and, right then, you believed it.

Nothing happened. You watched, frozen, as Buggy breathed in deeply, his shoulders rising and falling with it, and then he raised a hand.  

“New girl,” he called, snapping to beckon you closer. You obliged, rushing to his side. He didn’t look angry, not like you feared he would. Instead, he smiled. It was a mean smile, a frightening one. But a smile all the same. “Are you ready for your big moment?”   

“What?” 

“Your audition! I thought of the perfect act for you. Kill him.” 

You looked down at Randall, he was clearly still in pain, his eyes watering as he looked up at you. “I can’t,” you whispered, shaking your head again.  

“You can and will. Assuming you want to remain on my crew. Otherwise I’ll kill him and you’ll have to explain to daddy why prince charming was here in the first place.” He held out his hand towards Ivo. “Knife.” When he got it, Buggy flipped the knife handle first, holding it to you with a flourish. “You’re up, babydoll.”

“She won’t do it, clown,” Randall said through grit teeth. 

“Of course she will,” Buggy said. “For me.” 

As if moving through the dusky haze of a dream, you took the knife, wrapping your sweaty hand around the grip. The way Buggy smiled in response made your heart flutter, something to cling to amidst the horror and disgust. It didn’t feel real anymore. How could it be real? 

“I don’t know what to do.” Were those your words? Your voice?

Buggy laughed. “Of course you don’t,” he said, circling behind Randall. “C’mere, I’ll help you.” 

Randall was shouting and pleading, but Buggy had grabbed a fistfull of his hair to keep him from escaping. 

“You’ve gotta hold him still,” Buggy told you. “Like this, see?”  

“-don’t do this, please. You can’t… I love you!” 

You got a fistful of Randall’s hair, making him cry out in pain. There was no pleasure in the sound, only a roiling sense of disgust. It would be better when he was dead, and then he wouldn’t be in pain. 

“God you’re short,” Buggy said as he adjusted you into place, right between him and Randall. “You’ll be better off going for their ankles.” He wrapped his hand around yours, getting a good grip on the knife and holding it still. 

“-when he gets bored of fucking you. That’s all pirates do, rape and murder. You’ll never be one of them, you’ll just-”

“Start on one side and move to the other, easy as that,” Buggy said comfortingly, resting his chin against the side of your head. 

“-he doesn’t kill you, your dad will. Do you really think you’ll ever be able to hide from him?” 

Moving slowly, through a dream, you put the knife on the left side of Randall’s neck. It was no different from what a butcher did, really. 

Breath in. Pull. You instinctively locked up at the sound of Randall’s screams and the resistance of his flesh, but Buggy forced your hand, pulling the blade deep into his neck and then fast to the side. The knife got caught part way through, stuck in something hard. You tried to saw through it and Randall made an inhuman noise of agony. Buggy had to help you unstick it, to follow through until the knife slashed that horrifying scream short and then there was just a sort of gurgling sound and you didn’t know if it was because he was still alive or if it was an automatic process. 

There was so much blood, and it was hot, burning you. For some reason, you hadn’t anticipated the messy scarlet spray. From the deep slice came more blood. More, and more still. Randall’s heavy, limp body dropped onto the floor into a puddle of it, although you weren’t sure when you let go of his hair. Buggy released your hand, but you didn’t drop the knife, holding it in a death grip as blood streamed like red veins down your hand and wrist, down the blade and all the way to its tip before dripping to the dirty floor. The tang of iron filled your lungs. You shook all over, all the way down inside, your bones and organs shivering. It was your heart. It pounded frantically, like butterfly wings. And your breathing. Wheezing, gasping, gurgling like Randall’s had before he fell.

Your mouth opened to exhale, but there was nothing there. No air, no words. Nothing. Your cold gaze turned to look at Buggy, confused as to what you were supposed to do next. He had led you this far, but now you were lost. He smiled, and laughed, and took the knife away from you, tossing it to the side where it clanged and slid away. 

And then he folded you into his arms, your head pressed against his chest. His heartbeat was firm and steady, and he was so warm. He smelled of gunpowder and salty sea air and greasepaint and the natural warm scent of his skin. You clung to that, breathing in deep to excise the scent of blood. 

“Congratulations, babydoll,” Buggy told you. “Looks like you just got the part.” 

The first firecracker went off not long after the sun had gone down, kicking off the surprise party with an especially loud zip and then a bang and a bursting sizzle. “It’s a surprise party,” Buggy told you, his face illuminated by the flash of red. “As in, the people who live here are going to be so surprised by the party I’m throwing for my crew. Get it?” 

A chain of firecrackers followed the first, a show that the pirates set off amidst a barrage of explosions, lighting up the sky with brilliant colors and smoke, making the earth tremble beneath your feet. They acted as distraction and lure, drawing people further into the town and inviting the ship that had been lurking nearby to enter the harbor. 

And after that came the chaos. 

Many things happened that you were aware of, if only passively. Leaving the northside and then Barley Village, waiting at the dock, and then boarding the ship as men and women in colorful attire flooded the yard, overtaking the few armed guards. You were told to sit on the deck and wait, so you did. Aware of it all—noxious sulfur and smoke filling the air, thunderous claps of explosives, popping gunshots, screaming voices, roaring fires—but uninvolved. There was a sense of great quiet. Not outside where things were loud and violent and scary, but inside. You were very quiet on the inside. Far away from everything and everyone else. 

Blood flaked off of your skin, caking beneath the nails when you scratched your arm. It would have been nice to wash it off, but you didn’t know where you would go for that, and you didn’t want to get up.

“Yoo-hoo, is anybody in there?” 

A gloved hand waved in front of your face. 

You let out a hoarse scream, nearly tipping backwards from how violently you startled. It didn’t take long for you to realize how overblown the reaction was, Buggy’s laughter made the point quite clearly. 

“What was that?” he asked, almost laughing too hard to get the words out. He stood above you without his coat and hat, although he kept the striped headscarf, and a bottle tucked under his arm. 

“You scared me,” you told him, a hand on your racing heart.

“That noise you just made though,” he said, still laughing. “It sounded like one of those scream-y fireworks.”

“I didn’t know you were there.”

“Your fault, not mine. I was trying to talk to you, but you just sat there. I thought it was your eye that didn’t work, not your ears.”

“I guess I… zoned out a little.” 

“No shit. Ah, that was good,” Buggy said as his laughter subsided. “I had no idea human beings could even make sounds like that.” Letting out a big breath to settle himself, he sat down next to you. Very close, far closer than you would have, almost touching. “Kinda makes me wonder what other kinds of sounds you can make.” 

“I know, it’s annoying,” you said, staring hard at the deck. “I’m sorry.” 

Buggy laughed at that too, shaking his head. “You really have no clue, do you?” he asked. “Is it weird that I’m into it?” 

“Into what?” you asked. “I’m sorry, I… don’t understand.” 

“I know you don’t, and that’s okay,” he said with a mocking sort of indulgence, patting your head. “Anyway, I had a little business in town and snagged this from some rich guy’s house.” He held up a bottle by the neck and swished its contents a little for effect. “We’re going to celebrate.” 

“Wouldn’t you rather be out there?” you asked, the first coherent question that came to your mind as it scrambled to make sense of what he had just said. 

“Between you and me, this,” Buggy said with a confidential hush, gesturing to your burning town, “isn’t my thing. It’s a reward for my freaks, gives ‘em an outlet to express themselves artistically. I prefer a more… performative platform. True art deserves a spotlight and an audience.” He waved that away, smiling. “But this isn’t about me, it’s about you.” 

“Me?”

“You really impressed me earlier. I mean, yeah, your technique needs polish, and you’ve got no stage presence to speak of, but you displayed raw talent. I really think you have a shot at success, sweetheart. Stick with me, and I’ll make something out of you yet.” 

“Thank you,” you said softly, shying away from thinking about earlier. The praise though, that was heady. That made you feel warm. 

Buggy popped the cork off the bottle, taking a drink straight from it and smacking his lips appreciatively. “You like sweet things, right?” 

“I-” 

“You’ll love this then. Here, try it.” 

You eyed the bottle he was proffering to you warily. Alcohol was something you were familiar with, but you could count on your fingers the number of times you had actually tasted it. “I don’t know…” you said, trying to think of ways to reject drinking without seeming ungrateful.   

“You’re a pirate now, so you’ve gotta learn to drink like one,” Buggy told you, pushing it into your hand. “What’s the worst that could happen?” 

You sniffed the open lip, surprised by the sweetness. It didn’t smell as strongly of alcohol as you feared. Not like what your father drank. Maybe it would be okay. Trying to avoid embarrassing yourself, you tipped the bottle back just like he had. That was a mistake. It didn’t smell like alcohol, but you could taste it—feel it, even. Panicked by your body’s natural response to expel it, you swallowed as much as you could, coughing out the rest. Red liquid drooled down your chin, staining the dress that was already ruined with dried blood. Buggy laughed. A little at first, and then a lot. 

Flushing, you wiped your mouth.

“Oh, don’t be like that. That was hilarious,” Buggy told you. You looked away, even more embarrassed. “Your face was priceless. You threw that back with the confidence of a real fire-hazard, saggy skinned, dead eyed alcoholic. You were so serious about it too, and then… Good lord.”

“I didn’t know!” you said, trying and failing not to sound shrill. 

“It’s okay, you’ve got me to help you now. Try it again, but don’t be so greedy. Baby sips.” 

“No, thank you,” you said, holding the bottle back to him. 

“Drink. That’s an order,” he said, pushing it back to you. 

That gave you pause. “Do you mean that?” you asked. 

He nodded, urging you on. 

Your shoulders drooped in defeat. Trepidatiously, you took a small sip. At least you didn’t hack it back up this time. While the taste was sweet, the burn was not. It rose up like smoke into your head, you could feel it.  

“What if I get drunk?” you asked. 

“Oh, you’re going to get drunk, captain’s orders,” Buggy said with a grin. “I can’t stand watching you sit around moping about killing that guy. Besides, you’re a pirate now.”

The little ball of anxiety deep in your gut doubled. This was wrong, you knew it was. Or maybe you were wrong, and Buggy was right. You didn’t know. 

“I don’t want to embarrass myself,” you muttered.

“As long as you don’t jump into the water or shit yourself, you’ll be fine…” You looked at him, horrified. “Joking! C’mon, I’ve taken good care of you so far, haven’t I? You’ll be fine.”

The way he laughed made you want to believe him. He was your captain now. You nodded seriously and, steeling yourself, took another drink. And another. 

“See? It’s good, right?” Buggy asked, holding out his hand for the bottle. 

You licked your lips, cleaning up the lingering sweetness. “It is. Thank you,” you said, unable to keep yourself from admiring the way his throat worked as he swallowed, the view unfortunately obscured by his cravat. 

The perverse thought took you by surprise. Was it the alcohol? Already, your head was spinning, your thoughts a little more disorganized. It wasn’t like the quiet, empty feeling of before. It was warm and distant, it made your shoulders relax, the anxiety and uncertainty of before fading. This was a good idea, you already felt so much better. When he passed the bottle back, you didn’t have to be prompted to imbibe, chasing that feeling.   

“I don’t mean to pry, but when that guy back there mentioned your dad, it really seemed to get to you,” Buggy said. “What, did daddy not love you? Or maybe he loved you a little too much.”

You didn’t want to talk about that. You didn’t want to think about it. You took another big drink. 

On the horizon, the town was utterly ablaze. As the night grew darker, the flames rose higher. Which building was burning so brightly? It belched thick, black smoke into the night sky. Who was in it? Anybody you knew?

“Don’t wanna talk about it, hm? That’s fine,” Buggy said, stealing the bottle back. “With any luck, my freaks’ll kill him tonight, eh? Then you’ll really be free.” 

“He’s gone right now,” you said, your words soft and slurring together. “Out of town.” What would he think of the smoldering ashes? Would he believe you had perished in the flame? Somehow, you doubted that. He would know what you had done. There was no chance of freedom, not for you. 

“That’s even better,” Buggy said.  

Your eyebrows furrowed as you turned to him, both in confusion and disbelief. “How?” 

“Because, babydoll,” Buggy told you, shaking your shoulder to make sure you were paying attention. “It’s good to have somebody to hate—somebody to prove wrong. He tried to convince you that you’re crazy, he tried to keep you from ever being yourself. That pain and anger made you weak. But you’re not weak anymore. Tonight, I showed you how to be strong. It’s not enough to tell those assholes that they’re wrong, you have to prove it to them. That’s what tonight was about, right? You proved to your dad, to everybody, that you’re stronger than they thought. And, hey, you proved it to me, too. I wasn’t sure about you at first, but I changed my mind.” He threw an arm around you, pulling you close. “I like you, kiddo. A lot.” 

“I like you too,” you said, relaxing into the little side hug, very aware of every place his bare arm met your bare shoulders and neck. The alcohol had stoked a nice blaze in your stomach and chest, making your head spin in a way you didn’t mind that much. Smoothing the colors, softening the air, making you want to lean into his touch, made you crave more of it. 

Buggy pulled away, leaving the bottle in your hands. You felt a little cold without him.  

“You know,” he said, smiling at you. The far off flames glinted mischievously in his eyes. The flaring reds and oranges highlighted his cheekbones too, defined the sharpness of his jaw. You were caught off guard by how viscerally you reacted to the thought that he was handsome, your filterless mind caught in an endless loop of focusing on the fact. “Burning down this shithole is nothing compared to what I will do. The towns I’ll raze to the ground, the treasure I’ll steal, the shows I’ll put on. Now that I’ve got a crew, I’m gonna put on a show like nobody’s ever seen. The biggest, flashiest, greatest show ever. Everybody will be screaming my name, recognize my face. I’ll shine so bright that they’ll have no choice but to love me. ” 

Buggy’s intensity made you smile, you couldn’t help it. Alcohol had created a cloudy burst of affection within you, or maybe it was just the floodgates of tension finally collapsing, letting out something that would have otherwise been smothered. Either way, it was as intoxicating as the drink itself. 

“Are you laughing at me?” Buggy asked, his tone filled with steel. You looked to see his dark expression, his narrowed eyes. 

“I’m not,” you said, confused by his rapid shift in demeanor. “I’m… I’m happy. I’ll do anything to help you.” 

He relaxed. “Well, you’d better start working on your act.” 

That made you laugh, a dizzy, bubbly sound. “I can’t do an act. I wouldn’t know what to do.” 

“There has to be something. Let me think… Can you sing?”

“I used to, a little. But not for a really long time.” 

“Come on, let me hear it.”

You were drunk, you knew that for a fact because in no state of sobriety would you offer to sing in front of another person. But, right then, bubbling with alcohol and protected by the darkness of the smoky night sky, you felt invincible. 

“Oh, what do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning? Slash his…um… something, something, captain’s daughter. Toss him in… to… the dirty water…” Whatever coherence you held onto unraveled into a fit of drunken laughter at the awful rhyme. “I’m sorry, I think… I think I forgot some of the words.”  

“Seems like you forgot the tune too,” Buggy said, wincing dramatically. All that did was make you laugh harder. “Hold on a second, let me wipe the blood out of my ears.” 

You swatted his shoulder, although your attempted indignance probably wasn’t very convincing when you were still smiling. “Don’t be mean!”

“That’s a bold way to treat your captain,” he told you, but he was smiling too. 

“Please don’t be mean to me, Captain Buggy,” you said, speaking slowly to emphasize how serious you were. 

“Beg me again.” 

You blinked. “What?” 

“Nothing,” he said, waving it off in a way that made you think he was making fun of you. “Anyway, I’m being nice right now, especially after that performance. The critics would eat you alive for that one. So, singing is out. Clearly. What else have you got?”

“Oh! I know a, um, a rhyme. A joke.” 

He looked at you skeptically. “Really?” 

“What is that s’posed to mean?” you asked.

“You don’t strike me as somebody with… How should I put this… A sense of humor?” 

You frowned. 

“Alright, alright, quit pouting and tell me,” Buggy said impatiently, waving you to continue. 

You cleared your throat very theatrically, sitting up as straight as you could manage. 

“There was a young lass who thought

Very little but thought it a lot.

Then at long last she knew

What she wanted to do,

But before she could start, she forgot.”

Deflating, you laughed, surprised at how clearly you had delivered the words. Especially considering how long it had been since you heard them. 

Buggy didn’t look nearly as impressed. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a clean limerick before,” he said. “And now I know why. I mean, what’s the point of limerick without the ick.”

You blew a raspberry at him. “Fine, you do one.”

“Okay, but you have to prepare yourself,” Buggy said. You nodded encouragingly.

“There was a young plumber named Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.

She said, ‘Stop your plumbing,

There's somebody coming’

Said the plumber, still plumbing, ‘It's me.’"

Belatedly, you gasped, your hands covering your mouth. That shock dissolved into giggles. “That’s, oh, that’s… that’s dirty.”

“Aw, was it too much for your delicate sensibilities? Now that you’re a pirate, you’re gonna hear a lot worse than that. A looooooooot worse. I hope your unspoiled ears can handle it.”  

“I can!” you insisted, taking a big drink to steel yourself before setting the bottle aside. If you were going to be a pirate, you had to stop getting so flustered. “More. Please.” 

“Okay, okay…” Buggy cleared his throat. “A hooker roaming the East Blue, 

Once filled her vagina with glue, 

She said, with a grin, ‘Well, they paid to get in, 

And they’ll damn sure pay to get out, too.’”

You laughed loudly, as much at the joke as the taboo nature of it. You laughed, and then giggled in a bubbly, drunken way that you knew was too loud and embarrassing. “That is icky,” you told him. “Jeez, that’s…” Your faux seriousness dissolved into a fit of giggles again and you leaned against him for stability. “What would you even do?” 

“Yeah, I don’t know. It sounds like a sticky situation,” he said, nudging you with his elbow. That, of course, sent you into another fit of giggles. 

“I’m sorry, I’m…” you said. “I think I’m drunk.” You looked behind yourself at the town, the glittery haze of joy buzzing in your head fading at the sight. It was horrific, wasn’t it? And here you were, laughing like a fool. You couldn’t really comprehend the magnitude of it all, even if you could acknowledge that it was terrible. “Is it okay?” you asked, looking back at him imploringly. “Everything that happened tonight… I thought I would feel very different after, but I don’t. It almost feels like it’s not even real. You ever get that? When things happen but they feel so impossible that you get confused?”

“If you can think that clearly,” Buggy said, “then you’re not drunk enough. Bottoms up, babydoll.” You smiled at his use of the pet name and the fluttery feeling it gave you. What else could you do but oblige, tipping the bottle back like before. Only, unlike before, you kept it all down. There wasn’t any real burn, just more sweetness, more warmth. 

And then there was nothing left. 

“Woah,” you said, lowering the empty bottle and wiping your mouth. “‘s all gone.”

“And how do you feel?” he asked. 

You opened your mouth to respond, but all that came out was a dizzy sort of laugh. “I dunno…” you said, closing your eye, trying to collect your thoughts. “I’m…” Already things were getting even more fuzzy and foggy. Fabric stuck to your flushed skin, the salty air drying across your chest and cheeks. “I feel… very…”

Making an upset noise in the back of your throat, you pushed your hair back, catching the bandana and pulling it off so you could feel the breeze on your whole face. That helped. Drawing in a deep breath, you looked at him, trying to focus. Only, the second you saw him, all you could do was smile. His eyes were greedy about the light, sparkling with it. Even with the nose, Buggy was handsome. That was not something you could tell him though, not at all ever. Unfortunately you had forgotten what you were saying in the first place. 

“Very… what?” Buggy asked. “‘Cause if you keep trying to be a buzzkill, I’ll give you something to laugh about.”

Were you a buzzkill? You couldn’t remember what you had said or done to earn that title. It was hard enough to comprehend what was happening in the moment. “Like what?” you asked.

“Like… this!” Buggy said, using the sash around your waist to pull you closer so he could tickle your sides. You jumped and squealed, the bottle rolling out of your hands as you tried to fight him off. 

“No no no, don’t,” you cried, trying to escape. You were being too loud, moving too much, acting like an idiot, but you didn’t have enough control to stop. 

“Why not?” he asked. “You’re laughing, aren’t you?” 

It was true, you couldn’t stop yourself from laughing, letting it out in panicked little bursts. Time had a bizarre elasticity to it, everything hitting you at once and fading just as fast. Laughing, sobbing, begging him to stop. It was easy to catch and hold onto one of his hands, but that left the other one free. And if you tried to catch that one instead, you had to release the first. There must have been a better way to do it, but you felt as if, bit by bit, particle by particle, the world was separating, the hot and humid air splitting, your limbs becoming loose, your capacity for rational thought dissipating like mist. 

Lacking any sort of control and with a completely undeserved sense of invulnerability, you tackled him. Buggy let it happen, still laughing. At least he had stopped. 

“God, it’s like being attacked by a drunk, one-eyed toddler,” he said. “What are you gonna do, whine me into submission?” 

“Don’t be mean,” you said seriously, your words ruined by something wavering between a laugh and a sob, or maybe it was just the drunken slur. 

“You attacked me. If anything, I'm the victim here.” 

“No! You started it!” 

“Hold on, are you… crying?” Buggy asked incredulously. “Aw, you poor thing. I mean, you were laughing so much, how could I have known you didn’t like it?” 

“I don’t!” you insisted. 

“To be clear,” he said. “You don’t like this?” He attacked your sides, not tickling so much as just teasing, but to the same effect. You yelped and sat up squirm away, swatting at his hands. 

Rather than laugh like before, Buggy groaned, his hips bucking up against you. A loud, harsh gasp left your mouth, your entire body going rigid from the liquid heat of friction, your thighs squeezing around him. At some point, your skirt had ridden up, your panties being the only barrier left. You didn’t think you had ever been as acutely aware of how achingly empty, electrically tingly, as you were right then. 

Bad. Very bad.

“Oh, there’s another fun noise,” Buggy said, laughing as he propped himself upright with his arms. “I can’t believe that got you.” 

“No,” you said quickly, dizzy from the intensity of your reaction and how close the two of you were. You could smell him, the sweat, the musk, the salt, the greasepaint, the gunpowder. You could see the glitter in his makeup, the fire catching in his eyes. “It jus’... surprised me.” 

“Is that why you’re shaking?” Buggy asked, rubbing your exposed thigh, the fabric of his glove catching the sensitive skin. 

“I’m… um…” Your eyebrows furrowed as you tried to organize the drunken slush of your brain. Being so close to him, feeling his body against yours, sent deviously tantalizing tingling sparks through you. And guilt. It was wrong, he wasn’t doing anything to invite those feelings, you were just being weird and drunk and embarrassing and you couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. You’d have to tilt your head a lot, although the stubble would be more hazardous than his nose. The last time you kissed someone, you were both young enough that you didn’t have to navigate facial hair. And then there was the matter of the makeup. You tried to imagine what you might look like after, the slash of red and imprint of white. Maybe they’d mix into pink. You tried to force yourself to focus on something else, but you couldn’t meet his eyes either. Nervous and confused and filled with a million different feelings you had no name for, you squirmed again, thoughtlessly adding to the anxious feedback loop of heat and need and intoxicated emptiness. 

“You know, sweetheart, this reminds me,” Buggy said, “there’s still the matter of your physical. It’s standard procedure for new crew. We could get that over and done with while you’re… lubricated.”

“What’re you… talking about?”  

“I’ve gotta make sure you’re fit, healthy… Clean of anything you could pass on to the forty or so people you’re gonna be stuck with in an enclosed space for weeks at a time.”

“How d’you do that?” 

“You’ve been to a doctor, right? It’s kinda like that. I know it can feel a little invasive, so it might be better to do it while you’re drunk.”

“What…” you started to ask, but then Buggy shifted, his hips pushing up against you. The fresh wash of warmth it sent into your core scattered your mind, and you lost the already tenuous thread of thought. Your eyelashes fluttered, although you weren’t sure when you had closed your eye. “Umm…”

“Well, first,” he said, answering the question you hadn’t asked, “you’d have to take off your clothes. Then relax while I have a little look-see. It’s important that you stay as still as possible. I’ll have a hard time finishing if you can’t stop squirming around the whole time.” 

“Do you really have to?” you asked, your brow furrowing. It sounded embarrassing. But maybe if it was him, you didn’t mind? Your dad did all of your past medical check-ups so it wasn’t inherently wrong. But the thought of Buggy seeing you without clothes wasn’t exactly nice, you could only imagine his disgust. That was bad. 

“Depends on if you’re serious about being a pirate or not,” Buggy said.   

“I am serious!” you exclaimed. Your hands went to the sash around your waist to pull the bow free. If you did it quickly, you wouldn’t be as embarrassed. 

“Woah, wait. Holy shit,” Buggy said, “are you seriously—” He cracked up laughing, making you freeze. “I didn’t think you’d actually fall for that.”

“You’re… laughing,” you said, your fingers falling with the slow sink of humiliation. 

“You really were going to strip for me, out in the open and everything.” Buggy laughed harder, rocking forward. “I didn’t expect you to be so eager. Hey, if you really wanna get naked, I’m not going to stop you.” 

“I don’t, I just… I thought…” you said, pulling away from him and trying to get onto your feet to get away, embarrassment lighting the worst sort of fire within you.  

“Woah, calm down, it was just a joke,” Buggy said, his laughter fading. “You’re absolutely plastered, if you stand up, you’re gonna fall right back down.” You didn’t stop, resolute to get onto your feet and put some distance between you and him. “I won’t catch you.” 

“’m fine,” you told him. 

You finally got your footing and braced against your knee to lurch upright. For a second, you were standing up and weightless. And then you were nothing.

[twig-tea]

Love Senior: Final Thoughts

I've been putting off making a post about this because I don't like trashing things that are small efforts and especially not GL because we don't get enough of it to begin with. But I was enjoying Love Senior through episode 7. The leads were lovely, they had chemistry, their characters were both interesting, and one of them had casual sex with someone else before they got together and it was fine! They even talked about it! And they were thirsty! I love it when women get to have sexual desire in shows.

After episodes 8-9, the narrative took a serious turn and I broke and wrote a content warning post because of how gross the turn in the plot was. With one episode left, I watched to see whether it would undo any of the damage it had done, but instead it doubled down on awfulness.

The last episode is truly a smorgasbord of some of my least favourite tropes all rolled up into one miserable finale, and makes the show truly unwatchable even though it delivers a "happy ending". It didn't make sense, it wasn't good characterization, it served nothing but unnecessary angst, and it meant we didn't even get satisfying reconciliation or dealing with the issues laid out in 8-9. After this ending, I was extremely unconvinced these two would last, or that they should.

I know this isn't the worst there is in the world of QL. I've watched a lot of stuff. I used to just stay quiet if I didn't like something, but honestly, I want folks looking for info about this show to know what to expect, and I also want folks creating content to know that audiences expect better these days. I don't want people to think GL flops because nobody wants to watch it. We're so desperate for good, or even half-decent content (the viewing numbers for GAP should have made that obvious)! But things need to hold together at least somewhat, and this very much did not.

Most of the cast in this show is in a girl group together, so you can support them, continue past the cut if you want details on what makes this finale suck (I've kept it vague but obviously there will be spoilers), and I hope this is taken as it's intended--to help inform the watching decisions of us who love GL and want more of it, and to give information to those making it.

[I'm just going to note also that this show was by StarHunter Entertainment which is not known for its queer rep or good treatment of its people, so I don't feel like I owe this production company any loyalty].

Details about the last episode under the cut.

In episode 10, the following happens:

we get told the SA that I warned about in my 8-9 post was just staged for the purposes of blackmail/breaking up the leads

[the show doesn't acknowledge that the characters were still left in a position that they could have still been sexually assaulted, and that they were put in that position by someone they trusted]

Someone gets hit by a car

One of the leads falls into a coma, and on waking, gets amnesia

Her friends and family conspire to lie to her, not just erasing her girlfriend from their picture of her life, but saying that one of her other friends who has a crush on her is her boyfriend. They all go along with this lie for months

On finding out that her girlfriend had been told that she's actually dating some other guy, her girlfriend decides to noble idiocy and disappear from her life

More time passes, and they see one another at the amnesia girl's graduation, and hug for a happy ending.

THE END.

No conversation. No reconciliation beyond acknowledgment that they still have feelings. No mention of their breakup before the coma. Nothing that convinces me this couple will actually last at all, or reason (in the form of character growth, or narrative purpose) for why they've gone through this. Nothing about the main character being lied to by all of her friends and family for months. This ending says 'everything is fine as long as the two people you want to be in a relationship are in a relationship at the end of the story', and that doesn't fly with me.

[mikachacha]

𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕 (𝙱𝚊𝚍𝚊 𝙻𝚎𝚎 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛) 𝙿𝚝. 7

Synopsis: you got fed up by Bada constantly seeking you out so you finally confront her in hopes that she would stop.

Warnings: angst, cursing, reader revisits the trauma and pain caused by Bada

(A/N: writing this hurt my heart because damn, this story is a wild ride)

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

As the show progressed, you would've expected Bada to stop bothering you but you were definitely wrong. Not only did she actively seek you out but she'd do everything just for you to notice her and talk to her which annoyed you to no end. You just wanted to live your life in peace and do your work in peace but she's definitely not gonna give you that. You're honestly tired and just wanted to move on so one afternoon, you dragged her outside so you could talk in private. You caught Yeni's eye on your way out and she gave you a thumbs up which made you smile and calmer on the inside. Things with Yeni have been doing great, that you would say. She's the complete opposite of Bada but you told her that you weren't ready yet, not until you're finally sure that you're over with Bada and it will only happen if you guys talk, which is happening right now.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! Does it cause you excruciating pain whenever you see me happy that's why you always try and ruin it?! Look, you've already won three years ago. You already broke me down, you already made me lose myself while loving you so what more do you want?! I've given you everything! Gave you all my love, gave you all of me but it wasn't enough for you. It wasn't enough.. Always not enough.." you felt all of the pain came crashing back again as you're alone there with Bada. You were crying but you stood your ground.

"Y/N- It's not that.. I just wanted-" Bada started but you cut her off. You have so much anger that's been pent up for years and you just wanted to let it all out on her. You want her to feel the pain you felt all those years from what she did to you.

"Of course it's gonna always be what you wanted.. Have you ever thought about what I wanted? Have you ever thought about anyone else other than yourself? Fuck! I thought I was okay already. I thought I was healed from all the pain you brought but I was damn wrong.. Our past still haunts me to this day, did you know that? I couldn't bring myself to love someone new because I'm scared all of them will end up like you! Someone who just takes me for granted and takes my love for granted.. Why did you do that to me, Bada? Why??" you asked and Bada just looked at you, her own tears falling as she watched you cry in front of her, asking her why she did those things to you.

"Y/N please.. Listen to me. Even just this last time. I swear I'm not gonna bother you anymore. I know what I did has no excuse. I played with you, I hurt you, I took you for granted. I was an asshole. I thought I could get away with everything because I was rising to the top. But when you went back to the states, I realized how much of an idiot I was because at that moment I lost the one real thing I've ever known which was your love. I know my apology won't be able to fix this, sorry will not take back the pain I caused you. That it won't magically turn back time so I could make things better and take away the trauma I have caused. But please, even if I have to beg and kneel in front of you, please at least let me make it up to you.." Bada then proceeded to kneel in front of you, crying as she held your hands and continued to ask you for a chance to make it up to you even just as your friend. The once proud Bada Lee is just crying and begging, much like you did three years before.

Your own knees gave out as you continued to cry. You resent her for doing all those things to you but you also wanted to forgive her so you can also move on with your life. You know you won't be to love someone truly if you keep the baggage of the past and hold you down. You need to let go of it, forgive Bada and yourself for the things that had happened between you.

You were so lost in your own thoughts that you didn't notice you and Bada were hugging each other, crying and her apologizing to you repeatedly until she was hoarse. Team Bebe had to get her and Yeni brought you to Wolf'Lo's hideout so she can take care of you and make sure you're okay. She had admitted that she's in love with you and that she's willing to wait for you until you're ready to love once more. She supported you, showed you that love can also be a beautiful thing. Yeah it can hurt sometimes but it doesn't have to be all of the time. She's been nothing but patient and caring for you and you feel so bad that you can't reciprocate the feelings she has for you. You just can't bring yourself to love her back especially when you still haven't fully let go of the pain Bada caused.

"I'm sorry, Yeni.. I'm really sorry.." you sobbed as she cuddled with you on the couch. She just kisses the top of your head and rubs your back in a comforting manner like she always does when you cry.

"Jagiya.. There's nothing to be sorry about. I know you're hurting, I know that the wounds of the past haven't fully healed yet but I'm still gonna be here. I won't go off to love someone else when you're still healing. I'm gonna be with you until the day comes you're ready to share your life with me." Yeni says and you just hugged her. If only you met her sooner then none of this would've happened. You're thankful to have her by your side and you couldn't ask for anyone better.

"Thank you, Yeni.. Thank you for not giving up on me and for loving despite all this.. I just hope you can still wait for me." you said as you finally fell asleep from how exhausted you felt from all that crying. Yeni smiled a bit and pressed a kiss on your head.

"I'll wait for you Y/N, no matter how long it takes." she says and just lets you rest.

Meanwhile, Bada had to be attended to by medics. She passed out from how much she cried. Her guilt from seeing how pained you were by her actions three years before just became too much. She regrets everything and just wishes to be able to at least make it up to you, or take all of the pain she inflicted so you could find love again because everyone knows you deserve that. Bada knows you deserve to be loved, to be cherished and to be taken care of. You didn't deserve to be hurt, to be abused, to be taken for granted. You didn't deserve any of that. You were way too good, you were way too pure and Bada wasted all that.

"We should've seen this behaviour years ago.. I thought they were okay. I never knew that Y/N endured so much behind closed doors." Lusher sighs, they heard everything as they were looking for Bada to consult on a routine earlier.

"I hope they both find happiness and that they both forgive themselves from the things that happened between them since no one could change the past.." Tatter says as they watched the medics telling Bada to breathe and to not think of anything else as she began crying again. It was a heartbreaking sight but no one could do anything about it. Only you and Bada could fix this.

———;

@lil-elliesgf @efyyylee @hwm1hyun @mikaleialt @bunnywonyo @badaswifey @mrs-grim-reaper @b1ackbunny @wifey-badalee

[omglisalithium]

I've noticed that Omega has been getting a lot of hate in TBB fandom after s2e9 was released. My own partner even stated "ugh Omega's such a twat" during his watch of the episode. As someone who's seen season 1 over 50 times and every episode of season 2 at least twice, I want to just remind everyone of a few things:

1. Omega was raised on Kamino as a medical assistant. We have to assume she's seen some shit just from that.

2. She left Kamino (her home) and Nala Se (the closest thing she's had to a parental figure) behind.

3. She lost her brother (Crosshair) to the Empire.

4. She literally had no idea what fun was or how to have it until s1e2 when she met Cut and Suu's kids. This is something she still seems to struggle with as we see in s2e2 when Romar has to explain to her that what he gave her is a toy and that it makes people happy.

5. She has killed. I don't have an official body count but she kills quite a few people during the series. Why the Batch haven't given her a blaster set to stun is beyond me. Sure, the bow is cool but it's fatal because it always uses live rounds.

6. Bounty hunters were after her and she almost got taken once in s1e4 and then actually taken in s1e8. The show doesn't touch on it, but I bet she thought Cad Bane had killed Hunter and she had no way of knowing for sure until she heard his voice on her comm.

7. She saw Wrecker almost kill the Batch and Rex and then almost her. She knew it was the chip but still, shit like that leaves a mark.

8. She was in Tipoca City as it was being bombarded, almost lost Crosshair to drowning, and almost drowned herself while trying to save the last piece she had of her past (AZI)

9. She watched Crosshair willingly leave again, right after she lost Tipoca City forever.

10. She has almost died too many times to count. I still remember watching the scene in s2e1 where she, Tech, and Echo are falling with the container and there's a zoom on her eyes as she screams and I just thought "she's going to have nightmares and flashbacks from this, she's going to break this season."

11. She was brought along to see the mystery clone's body in s2e8. I literally went "What the fuck are you all doing?! Don't show her the dead body!" while watching it. Echo had the most sense in that scene when he tried to gently move her away. The look that she was giving in the scene was heartbreaking.

12. Echo left the team.

13. She lost her home (the Marauder) again. And the show doesn't touch on this but she lost Gonky too.

14. She is a LITERAL CHILD. If she is aging normally, her brain is not developed enough to really process all these traumatic events in a healthy way.

Let me know if I missed anything but yeah that's most of it. Some of these things would make even the most calm and mature adult go insane, let alone a child. Her entire world, everything she has ever known has fallen apart since the Empire took over. She keeps losing more and more things and we have to remember that. Imagine going through all of that and then hearing "what is your issue?" That would be the last straw for you too.

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

- Theory on Dazai's family -

- Why I think that Dazai is closely related to the former boss of the Port Mafia - A BSD analysis based on facts from the main manga series, the light novel "Bungo Stray Dogs: Dazai, Chuuya Age Fifteen" and the manga "Bungo Stray Dogs: Dazai, Chuuya Age Fifteen" -

Contains heavy spoilers for Dazai's backstory, the Dazai, Chuuya Age Fifteen manga and the Age Fifteen light novel

TWs: Dazai typical mentions of sewerslide, mentioned abuse, picture which shows a scene in a hospital explicitly

English isn't my first language so I apologize for any grammar mistakes.

Not completely proof read by now since I realized that I have a lot of homework while proof reading and panicked. Will be proof read in the next 24h.

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Okay so I had this theory since I read the age 15 novel last year but I've never got around writing it down since some pieces were still missing.

In the following I will first talk about Dazai's relationship with Mori and showing parts of the age 15 novel to proof why they very popular theory that Mori is Dazai's father/a relative cannot be true. Afterwards I will talk about my theory that Dazai was already in Mafia, way before he met Mori before I will talk about my theory about why I think that Dazai is closely related to the former boss of the port mafia is either Dazai's father or a close relative like a grandfather or uncle and gonna show supporting proof from the BSD light novel "Dazai and Chuuya age 15", the BSD age 15 manga and the main BSD manga series.

1. Why Mori cannot be Dazai's father or a relative

Mori being Dazai's father or being directly related to him is a very popular opinion in the BSD fandom and which is very popular especially under anime onlys or new fans. To be honest, I had this theory too when I first started watching BSD but by now I am completely sure that this cannot be true.

Direct proof for this can be found in the BSD light novel "Dazai and Chuuya age 15" which reveals a lot about Dazai's and Chuuya's past in the Port Mafia as well as about some characters in general.

In this light novel it gets clear that Mori and Dazai are still pretty much strangers which are connected through the murder of the former boss of the Port Mafia. This also gets specifically stated in said novel on page 8 and page 7.

As stated here, they've been brought together by common destiny.

On page 7 however, is a even better proof that they aren't related at all and it also gives out another very interesting information about Dazai's family.

As stated here, on page seven, Dazai is "neither Mori's secret illegitimate child nor an orphan he adopted [...] ". I think that with this information, we can be pretty sure that Dazai isn't related to Mori at all. It also gets stated again that they are bound together by "common destiny" instead of any kind of relation.

Very interesting is, that it gets mentioned that Dazai isn't an orphan which Mori adopted since this information can be read in two ways. One option is, that he simply isn't adopted by Mori while the second option is, that he isn't an orphan at all. (English isn't my first language so I don't know if it can be read in only one way so feel free to correct me.)

The last proof for that Mori and Dazai aren't related to each other, can be found on page 9.

The whole page makes clear, that Mori doesn't really know Dazai at all/ that he only knows him for only one year and that he only knows him on a "Coworker level". He isn't familiar with Dazai's way of thinking, speaking and acting. He simply cannot figure Dazai out and he is kind of scared of him. Dazai isn't someone he knows since a long time. If anything, he is still trying to get to know Dazai and his ways of thinking. If Mori knew Dazai since a very long time, I'm sure that he would know at least a bit about how Dazai acts and reacts to things so that he wouldn't get as uneasy as on this text page, when Dazai is showing his serious, cold and calculating side again.

This is only a speculation though since Dazai and his ways of acting and thinking are in fact nearly completely impossible to figure out for nearly everyone.

Besides this, there is a clear distance between them without any familiarity. This distance can be often found between strangers who know each other solely through working together for whatever reason, but who never hang out together in the way friends or relatives do, which creates this distance between them.

Now that I've shown some proof which supports the theory, that Dazai isn't related to Mori in any way, I'm firstly going to show proof for why I think that Dazai was already in the Mafia, way before he met Mori before I will talk about why I think that Dazai is specifically related to the former boss of the Port Mafia.

2. Why Dazai had to be in the Mafia, way before he met Mori

Now, about why Dazai had to be in the Mafia way before he met Mori.

As seen in one of those panels of the first phase of the age 15 manga, Dazai is dressed on somewhat formal attire, wearing a white button up shirt and dress pants. Those clothes suit him perfectly and they look rather formal and expensive so it's unlikely that they were given to him after he got brought to the hospital. Those are his own clothes.

Now, if he would be an orphan who lived on the streets, which is another popular theroy in the fandom, he wouldn't be wearing such clothes.

Also such black and white, formal clothes/suits are commonly worn in the port mafia, often by people of a higher rank or by guards which suggests that there is some kind of a dress code among the Port Mafia. The clothes which Dazai is wearing, suit perfectly into the dress code of the port mafia.

Another point as to why he had to be in the Mafia already is the fact that he was brought to Mori, an shady underground doctor and the personal physician of the former boss of the port mafia after attempting suicide. If he would have been a normal child, no matter if orphan or not, he would have been brought to a normal official hospital in Yokohama and not to Mori.

Besides this, Mori is well aware who Dazai is, calling him by his name which suggests that Dazai isn't only already in the port mafia but also that he is known there and not just another nameless assistant.

Of course, Mori could have been informed about who this kid is by the person who brought him to him but if Dazai would really have been a random kid who wasn't involved in the Mafia, they wouldn't have any information about his name.

All of these points like the expensive and formal clothing, the fact that he seems to be involved with the Mafia already, the fact that he was brought to the underground doctor Mori (who is also the personal physician of the former boss of the port mafia) and the fact that Mori knows who Dazai is, lead me to the next point which is why I believe that Dazai is closely related to the former boss of the port mafia.

3. Why I think that Dazai is closely related to the former boss of the Port Mafia

Firstly, all the previously mentioned facts like the expensive clothes and all, are things which support my theroy in some ways but of course they aren't enough proof since alone from those facts alone, we could also think that Dazai is simply related to a executive or someone in the Mafia who has a higher rank but there are things which lead me to think that Dazai is related to the former boss of the port mafia.

Let me show you.

First of all, Higuchi telling Dazai that Dazai's blood is not only "Mafia black" but also that it's more Mafia black than anyone else's in the country.

While this could also be seen as her referring to him being the feared demon prodigy, it also suggests that he is deeply connected with the port mafia. Also, talking about a connection to something through someone's blood gets often used to hint that someone is connected with something through family.

With saying that his blood is more black than anyone else's, she also says that he is deeper connected with the Mafia than Mori, Hirotsu, Chuuya or any of the other loyal members of the Mafia and besides this, she also tells him through this, that he would be more cruel than any of them.

Now the only other person about who they talk like this and who gets referred to be more cruel and deeply involved with the port mafia, who is basically anchored in the history of the port mafia, is the former boss of the port mafia himself.

Higuchi saying that his blood is mafia black, more than anyone's in the whole county, could easily be a hint that Dazai is in fact, related in some way to the only other person who's blood is mafia black, the former boss.

While this point is more based on speculation, the next point is based a lot more on the things which are actually specifically shown in the manga.

During the flashback which shows how the former boss of the port mafia died, we can see that Dazai isn't standing next to Mori but far away from the bed next to the big window.

If Mori wanted to make Dazai pretend that he would be his new assistant, Dazai would stand next to the bed or would stand at least close to Mori to "watch and learn", to assist him or to hand him any tools or medicine he might need but this isn't the case. He is standing far away from Mori and the bed, silently watching and not assisting at all. He isn't holding any tools and he also obviously isn't looking for anything which he needs to bring Mori. Here he has the role of a bystander and is the witness.

But why would Mori bring a random child with him, only to watch him and which would later be his witness. It would make no sense and it would make him seem even more suspicious. Even if he would have waited with the murder, bringing Dazai with him a couple of times before killing the boss, it would make him look suspicious. After all, suddenly bringing a child with him which then suddenly happens to be the only witness, really is suspicious and I doubt that Mori would have made such a risky and unwell calculated plan.

If that would be the case he also could have picked any child or like any person in the Mafia. After all, there are a lot of people who wanted to see the former boss of the port mafia dead because of his brutal and cruel way of leading the Mafia and because of all the terrible crimes but again.

However, despite the large amount of people who would (most likely) happily assist Mori with getting rid of the former boss, he directly approached Dazai and he does so confidently as shown here:

He seems like he knew exactly that Dazai wouldn't deny his request and he also seems as if he had picked Dazai to be his perfect assistant for this case but I genuinely don't think, that it's only because Dazai is a suicide patient.

In both, the manga and the light novel, Dazai tells Mori that of course the latter would see him as the perfect assistant because he would need to get rid of everyone who was aware of what really happened during that night and since nobody would suspect a thing if Dazai would suddenly commit suicide under unknown circumstances but while this is a good point, more on the other hand states in the light novel that he can't let him die because then the supporters of the previous boss would turn on Mori and claim that he would have killed the predecessor but I will come back to that in a second.

As previously mentioned, I don't think that Dazai being suicidial was the point which made Mori choose him as his assistant. After all, it wouldn't make anything less suspicious due to the reasons I mentioned previously.

So why did he pick Dazai if suddenly bringing a person with him, shortly before murdering the predecessor would only raise suspicions?

Well it would only raise suspicions if the person wasn't already in the room before he came to visit the boss and if they weren't in this room already since quite some time.

This is one of my main points to support the theroy and it also suits to the fact that Mori wouldn't risk seeming any more suspicious throughout bringing a random person with him and it also suits to the fact that Dazai is standing far away from the bed, obviously not pretending to be a new assistant of Mori.

Dazai stands far away from the bed, like someone who was in the room already, way before the doctor came in and he steps away from the bed to give room for the doctor so that he can do his work properly. It is a common thing to do for relatives, friends or coworkers who had been staying at the bedside of the bedridden person.

Now why would Dazai be in this room, staying with the pervious boss of the port mafia as the only person.

He is too young to be a guard and he can't be a person who was carrying out missions for the previous boss since Mori is in fact the person who gives Dazai his first mission ever which is to investigate about the rumors of the previous boss of the port mafia coming back as a ghost. It can be seen on this page of the manga where Mori specifically states that this is Dazai's first job as a official member of the Mafia.

So if Dazai can't be a guard, isn't pretending to be Mori's assistant, if it's too suspicious if Mori would bring a random person with him shortly before carrying out his plan and if Dazai can't be someone who carries out missions, and especially if he isn't an official working member of the Mafia until that very moment in which Mori gives him his first mission and welcomes him as an official member of the Mafia, which, by the way, takes place around one whole year after Mori killed the predecessor, why should Dazai be staying in that room since quite some time, by the bedside of the former boss of the port mafia?

The only logical reason for this would be that he is in fact related to the boss of the port mafia in some way and due to this, stays by the side of his relative to help him in his weak, dying and bedridden state. There wouldn't be any other reason for him to keep Dazai around and if there would be, all the other points like Dazai being dressed formal and expensively and Mori knowing who Dazai is wouldn't suit into the whole situation anyways.

If Dazai only would serve as some kind of a servant, he would be someone unknown in the Mafia and they probably wouldn't have brought him to Mori after his attempt.

My last proof which supports my theroy is Dazai's reaction to having to face the former boss of the port mafia again during the fight against Arthur Rimbaud/Randou but also the bosses reaction to facing Dazai again.

On page 95 in the light novel, Dazai and Chuuya face the former boss for the first time in the whole novel and both, the reaction of Dazai and if the both is very interesting and supports my theroy a lot.

Chuuya who was never directly involved with the port mafia and the former boss and only knows about his crimes /was indirectly another victim of one of his crimes, hasn't a very specific reaction towards facing the boss and the boss also only sees him as someone he has attack without any personal connection between them.

Dazai however reacts not only chaught off guard like Chuuya upon seeing the dead body of the former boss of the port mafia standing in front of them, talking and moving but during the whole fight he doesn't say as much as he usually would and is more confused, tensed up and seemingly very uncomfortable and nervous. He does try to cover it up with sarcastic remarks and through smiling but it is very noticeable in the way he acts and talks.

Upon seeing the port mafia boss, Dazai's smile becomes tense and he seems uneasy and he continues to act like this even after knowing that it's only Arthur's ability. It can't be only because he is worried about the boss telling others what really happened since they are currently in Arthur's hyperspace and the boss isn't going anywhere. The whole situation of having to see and having to talk to this person again seems to make him feel uneasy and uncomfortable which makes him turn more quiet, confused and more serious during the whole battle. It actually takes some time until he acts more relaxed and calculating like he usually does during a fight and until he stops bombarding Arthur with questions.

The former boss of the port mafia on the other hand, (and this is an incredibly interesting and overlooked part), calls Dazai "My boy" upon seeing him again, asks him Mori/ "The good doctor" has been treating him well and refrers to Dazai's face as a familiar face before he calls him my boy upon fully recognizing him. He also tells Dazai that it feel like ages since he last say him which implies that they saw each other and knew each other regularly. Him calling him my boy definitely supports that Dazai is related to him and I think it's self explanatory why. If Dazai was only some coworker, he wouldn't be referring to him as my boy.

The way Dazai talks to him also seems like he isn't talking to someone he only vaguely knows.

The distance which is present when he is communicating with Mori isn't present here and the whole way he talks to him and how he is building the sentences but also how the former boss of the port mafia is referring to him as well as how he talks to Dazai, is making clear that they know each other past the level of only coworkers as well as that they aren't just boss and normal subordinate.

The fact that Dazai refers to him as boss, the fact that Dazai assists Mori's with his plan, the way they talk to each other or better the way in which Dazai talks to the predecessor and that the fact the former boss of the port mafia isn't having any issues with killing/attempting to kill Dazai and even shows some kind of enthusiasm towards it, talking about it in a way which is implying that he already hated Dazai way before Dazai assisted Mori ("[...] I never imagined a day would come where I could behead this boy with my own two hands", the previous Mafia boss crowed hoarsely." (p.98;ll.26-28;" Bungo Stray Dogs: Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen") shows the nature of the relationship between those two.

Most likely, the predecessor wasn't treating Dazai good, most likely abusing him which lead Dazai to assisting Mori and which would explain the way they talk to each other as well as Dazai's negative and almost scared reaction upon seeing the previous boss again.

Given the predecessors cruel, cold and brutal personality as well as his obsession with surpressing and killing people/people who acted against the Mafia, it isn't unlikely that he was also abusive towards Dazai.

Another quote which implies that they know each other since quite some time, can be found on page 98 in the light novel where the boss is "mourning" about the fact that his body isn't capable anymore of talking about the past before he kills Dazai. ("" If only we could chat about old times first, [...] "" (P. 98; ll.28-29)

The fact that Arthur also states that he preserved the former bosses personality and memories (P. 99; l.1) proofs that the memories of the boss as well as the way he acts isn't altered at all.

With all of these facts which suggest that Dazai is related to the former boss of the Port Mafia, it also makes sense why Mori needs Dazai to stay alive. Not only it would seem suspicious if Dazai suddenly dies, even if he would die of suicide but also because then, if Dazai would truly be related to the former boss of the Port Mafia, it would seem like Mori got rid of the person who rightfully is the next boss of the Port Mafia in order to be completely sure that he can be the next boss until he dies.

If we see it like this, it would also make even more sense as to why Mori was so scared that Dazai would kill him one day, just like how he killed the former boss in order to become the next leader of the Port Mafia because then he wouldn't just be afraid because of the "Evil expects evil from others" rule, but also because he and Dazai would both be painfully aware of the fact that Dazai is rightfully the next Boss of the Port Mafia and not Mori.

To summarize, Dazai cannot be related to Mori at all. Not only is this specifically stated in the light novel "Bungo Stray Dogs: Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen" but the fact that Mori is still trying to figure out Dazai, that he isn't familiar with Dazai's way of acting and thinking and the fact that there is a constant, somewhat formal distance between them suggests that they genuinely didn't know each other before Mori asked Dazai to be his assistant/witness in his plan to murder the former boss of the port mafia.

Now despite not being related to Mori in any way, Dazai still seems to be involved with the Port Mafia already, way before he met Mori. Proof for that can mainly be found in the BSD Dazai, Chuuya, Age Fifteen manga.

There, Dazai is shown to wear formal and expensive looking clothes when he wakes up after another suicide attempt and Mori greets Dazai with his name, seemingly being well aware of who Dazai is. If Dazai would have been a random kid p.ex. from the streets, he wouldn't be wearing such clothes and Mori wouldn't know his name but he also wouldn't have been brought to the underground doctor Mori who also happens to be the personal physician of the former boss of the port mafia but to a normal and official hospital in Yokohama.

Alone due to the fact that he got brought to Mori, he had to be involved with the port mafia already otherwise he wouldn't had end up in that hospital. Now, him being well dressed, Mori knowing his name and him being brought to Mori instead of to an official hospital could also imply that he is only the son of an executive or another person in the Mafia who is of high rank but the fact that Higuchi tells Dazai years later that his blood is mafia black, more than anyone else's in the country as well as the fact that Mori chooses him to assist him in his plan of murdering the former boss of the port mafia as well as Dazai's position in the bosses room while Mori carries out his plan and his role in this plan imply that he isn't just related to a random person but rather the former boss of the port mafia himself.

Mori could have chosen anyone to be his witness, especially in regards of how many people want to see the former boss dead but he directly approaches Dazai and does so confidently as shown in the age fifteen manga. He seems to be sure that Dazai would assist him but he also seems to be sure that this won't raise any more suspicious.

If he would have started to bring a random person with him to his regular visits to the former boss, shortly before he murders him and the fact that this random person is suddenly his only witness would raise only more suspicious about him killing the boss and given Mori's character, I doubt that he would plan something so risky and uncalculated where it's sure that it would cause him more trouble than anything.

So why did he choose a seemingly random kid as his witness if suddenly bringing a person with him would only raise suspicions in the end? Because there won't be any more suspicious than there are already if the person is located in the former bosses room anyways and regularly.

The theroy that Dazai stays at the room of the former boss gets supported by the fact that Mori is specifically choosing him, seemingly being sure that this won't raise suspicions and the fact that Dazai isn't staying close to the bed or at least next to Mori while he is "treating" the former boss, not pretending to be Mori's assistant. Dazai is standing far away from Mori and the bed as a silent witness next to the window. Stepping away from the bed so that the doctor can treat the person is a common thing to do for relatives, friends or coworkers who had been staying at the bedside of the bedridden person. If Dazai would have pretended to be Mori's assistant he would be staying close to Mori, only stepping away from the bed to get something which Mori needs but this isn't the case. Also the suspicions didn't raise because of Dazai and everything went as Mori planned which is supporting the theory that Dazai was already regularly in the room.

Now why would the port mafia boss keep a child around in his room/at his bedside. Dazai is too young to be a guard, he isn't a official member of the Mafia who carries out missions since it is shown in the manga that Mori is in fact the person who gives Dazai his first mission ever and who is welcoming him as an member of the Mafia after giving him the mission, implying that Dazai wasn't an official member of the Mafia until that very moment which took place around one year after Mori successfully carried his plan out and if Dazai would have only acted as some kind of servant, he wouldn't have been dressed this well, Mori most likely wouldn't have known who Dazai is and he most likely wouldn't have been brought to Mori after his attempt. We can see how the most servants/slaves are treated in the chapter with Ace in the main manga and since the previous boss was even more cruel and brutal than Ace, he wouldn't have treated his servants any better. Given those circumstances, the only logical reason for him keeping Dazai around in his room, is that Dazai is in fact related to him in some way and is now staying at his bedside in order to help him in his weak, dying and bedridden state.

That they know each other past the levels of only boss and subordinate/ coworkers gets shown in the fight against Arthur Rimbaud/Randou where the former boss calls Dazai "My boy" and mourns about the fact that they cannot talk about the old times before he kills Dazai. They also talk to each other in a way which suggests that they know each other since a long time in a relative kind of way.

While Chuuya reacts chaught off guard towards seeing the previous boss as well but while he reacts in a way which makes clear that they never knew each other personally, Dazai tenses up and is nervous and feels uneasy through the whole fight upon having to face the boss again. It takes him a while until he acts more collected, serious and calculating like he usually does in a fight again but the uneasyness never fades fully, no matter how much he tries to cover it up.

The way they talk to each other also implies a deep rooted hate from both sides. The former boss also shows no issues with killing Dazai, implies that he already hated Dazai way before he assisted Mori and even shows some kind of enthusiasm towards killing the child.

In general, given the former bosses cruel, cold and brutal personality and given the way they interact with each other/react towards having to face each other again, it is likely that the former boss was abusive towards Dazai/that the nature of thier relationship was abusive.

During the whole fight, both talk with each other in way which suggests that they know each other personally since quite some time and the formal distance which is always present when Dazai and Mori communicate with each other isnt present between them during thier conversations, making it seem even more like they are related in some way.

All these facts, from the former boss referring to Dazai as "My boy" to Dazai's position in the room and his role in Mori's plan, lead me to think that Dazai is in fact closely related to the former boss of the port mafia. I consciously decided not to refer to the former boss as Dazai's father since I wouldn't go as far as to pinpoint the exact relation but I am almost completely sure he is closely related to him and I think it's likely that he is at least his grandfather or his uncle.

If you read all of this, I love you <3

[dontyoufinditstrange]

From Under The Cork Tree Lyrics That Alter My Brain Chemistry

Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued

"the ribbon on my wrist says 'do not open before christmas'" "we're only liars, but we're the best" "its just past 8 and i'm feeling young and reckless"

Of All The Gin Joints In All The World

"i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now i only waste it dreaming of you" "we're sleeping through all the memories"

Dance, Dance

"tonight it's 'it can't get much worse' versus ' no one should ever feel like'" "i'm two quarters and a heart down" "and i don't wanna forget how your voice sounds" "these words are all i have so i'll write them so you need them just to get by" "this is the way they'd love if they knew how misery loves me"

Sugar, We're Going Down

"i'm just a notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song" "a loaded god complex, cock it and pull it" "isn't it messed up how i'm just dying to be him?"

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

"i keep my jealousy close cause its all mine" "hand behind this pen relives a failure every day" "so wear me like a locket around your throat, i'll wear you down, i'll watch you choke"

I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)

"we're the kids who feel like dead ends" "and the poets are just kids who didnt make it and never had it at all" "force our smiles, baby, half dead, from comparing myself to everyone else around me" "please put the doctor on the phone cause i'm not making any sense" "blame everyone but me for this mess" "and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart" "i'm hopelessly hopeful you're just hopeless enough"

7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)

"i keep tellin myself, i keep tellin myself i'm not the desperate type, but you've got me looking through blinds" "trying to forget everything that isn't you" "i'm not going home alone, cause i dont do too well on my own"

Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year

"cause i swear i'd burn the city down to show you the light" "no matter what they say, don't believe a word" "cause i'll keep singing this lie if you keep believing it" "take our tears, put em on ice" "ashamed of the way the songs and the words own the beating of our hearts" "got a sunset in my veins" "i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay" "i need to keep you like this in my mind"

Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends

"you are a getaway car, rush of blood to the head" "we only do it for the scars and stories, but not the fame" "at least everyone is trying, everyone is shining, everyone deserves the flames, but its such a shame" "the sounds of this small town make my ears hurt" "the tide's out, the ship's run aground, we drown traitors in shallow water"

I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me

"you're the only place that feels like home" "i'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends" "i am sorry my conscience called in sick again" "i've got arrogance down to a science" "they call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone" "but for what we've become we just feel more alone" "so progress report: i am missing you to death"

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me"

"you're just the girl all the boys wanna dance with and i'm just the boy who's had too many chances" "i don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it" "write me off, give up on me, cause darling what did you expect?"

Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows)

"we never stood a chance and i'm not sure if it matters" "i'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town" "i know this hurts, it was meant to" "it's mind over you don't, don't matter" "it must be said again that all us boys are just screaming into microphones for attention because we're just so bored" "we never knew that you would pick it apart" "i'm falling apart to songs about hips and hearts"

XO

"i left my conscience pressed between the pages of the bible in the drawer" "love never wanted me, but i took it anyway" "choose love or sympathy" "loose lips sink ships"

[thebookreader12345]

Career Decisions

Pairing: Kevin Atwater x reader

Summary: After Voight gives Kevin an unfair ultimatum about his career, and pressures Y/n into going against her morals, Y/n wonders if the Intelligence Unit is the right place for her

Requested: No

Warnings: mentions of racism, violence, and guns

Word Count: 1,621 Words

Note: The events mentioned in this fic are from the end of season 7 and beginning of season 8 of Chicago PD

"Hey, Kev," I greet my boyfriend as he entered my apartment. "You're late. I thought you just had to finish up some paperwork at the district?"

"I did. But I also had to have a conversation with Voight about all that stuff going on with the blue wall," Kevin spoke.

I frowned. "I thought all of that was over? I thought all of that stuff with you and Doyle was in the past?"

"It's not. In fact, it's only gotten worse. A lot of police officers heard that I wanted to go after Doyle, and now they're coming for me. For my job. They've done some terrible things, Y/n. They showed up to my house one night and parked up and down the street. The following night they jumped me when I got out of my car and beat me up. One of the officers planted dope in my car and then had some other patrol guys pull me over to try and find it. They even broke into my house and planted a bug," Kevin explained.

"Kevin!" I gasp. "Why didn't you tell me any of this? I mean, when I asked about the bruises, you told me you got them from falling off a ladder when you were doing construction at your house."

"I didn't want you to worry, and I definitely didn't want you involved in all of this. I talked with Voight tonight to see what I should do about Nolan, and he said I had two options. One, I get an official complaint put on my record, which means I can never be promoted to detective nor leave Intelligence. Or two, I lose my job," Kevin told me.

"What? That's ridiculous," I comment. "Those options are shit! You didn't even do anything wrong. Doyle was a racist son of a bitch who got himself killed for exactly that. That's the truth about what happened. You have every right to expose him for that."

"I know," Kevin confirmed. "And I didn't like those two options either, so I chose a third one. One I was happy with. I confronted Nolan and told him I'd come after him if he came after me again or anyone in the unit. I told him I'd expose everything he did to me, from the intimidation to the drugs."

"You're so brave, Kev. I'm proud of you," I praise and give him a big hug. "Now, I left your plate of dinner in the microwave. After you eat, want to do something to get your mind off of all of this?"

"Spend some time with my girl? I'm always down for that," Kevin responded and kissed the top of my head. "Want to watch that movie I've been telling you about?"

"I would love too," I answer.

..................................................

The few cases following Kevin and Voight's talk were difficult to get through, to say the least. The tension between the two of them was so thick it was hard to get work down. And the constant arguing didn't help. What I didn't think though, was that Voight would put all of the anger he had about the current situation towards the job.

"L/n, he's getting away. Take the shot," Voight ordered over the radio. I was positioned as a sniper on the roof of a building nearby while the rest of the team was on the ground, blending in at the meeting spot where Adam had set up a drug deal.

"Sarge, he's not armed," I notify my boss. "And we don't even know if he has any product on him."

"Did you not hear me? Take the shot," Voight repeated.

"Voight, I don't think I feel comfortable taki-"

"Take the shot, L/n! Now!" Voight demanded. I hesitated for a second, letting myself lose sight of the target. A moment later though, I re-aimed my scope before firing off one shot that hit our offender right in the leg. On the ground, I learned our offender was indeed unarmed, however, he did have product on him. Back at the district, I was sitting at my desk finishing up some paperwork from our previous case when Voight exited his office and leaned against the doorframe. "L/n, I need to speak to you for a moment. Come to my office."

"Boss, if you've got something to say to me, you might as well say it right here in front of everyone," I declare without looking up.

"All right. What the hell was that back there?" Voight implored. "I gave you the order to take the shot."

"And I did. Surgeons at Med are pulling a bullet out of our guy as we speak," I remind him.

"That man was a dealer who has killed almost a dozen teenagers because of his bad dope. If I tell you to take the shot, I don't want him down a leg. I want him on the brink on death," Voight announced.

"Yeah? Well I wasn't comfortable with taking that shot," I argue and set my pen down, finally glancing up to meet my boss' eyes. "He was unarmed, and he wasn't violent when we were doing our meet. You were asking me to go against everything I've ever been taught in the academy and on patrol. You were asking me to go against my morals, Sarge. What I believe to be right."

"You knew what you signed up for when you joined my unit. You knew how I ran things around here. If you didn't like how I ran things, you shouldn't have joined this unit in the first place," Voight stated.

"Maybe I shouldn't have," I retort. "You're not being a just cop, Voight. You're not even being a good boss. I mean, what kind of person orders one of their officers to do something their not comfortable with? More importantly, what kind of boss tells their officer that he either has to get an official complaint put on his record, meaning he can never get a promotion, or he has to quit. What it sounds like is that you're not standing next to Kevin when he needs you. What it sounds like is that you're taking the other side. You did wrong by Kevin, and now you're doing wrong by me. I don't think this unit is the right place for me anymore, Sarge."

"Y/n," Adam warned.

"No, Ruzek. Let her say her piece. Keep going, L/n," Voight urged. "If you're not in my unit, where are you gonna go? No one wants a cowardly officer in their unit, especially a disobeying one at that."

"I've actually gotten three offers from three different units in the past month," I announce. "I can call up any of them right now and have myself another job."

"Great. Then do it. I expect your transfer papers on my desk tomorrow," Voight spoke before disappearing into his office, slamming the door behind him.

"Y/n, what did you just do?" Jay asked.

"Wasn't it obvious? I just quit," I disclose and get up from my seat, swinging my jacket onto my shoulders. "We should all go to Molly's tonight and celebrate. One last hurrah, you know?"

"So you're just gonna leave us? What the hell, Y/n?" Hailey muttered and pushed past Jay to exit the bullpen.

"I'll go after her, talk some sense into her," Jay said and chased after his partner. I didn't blame Hailey for being upset. Afterall, her and Kim were two of my best friends. Kim got up from her desk next and pulled me in for a hug, squeezing me softly.

"I'm gonna miss you up here," Kim voiced. "Seriously. Who am I supposed to make fun of Adam and Kev with?"

"Hey!" Adam exclaimed. "The two of us are right here!"

"Don't worry, Kim. You're welcome over anytime," I assure her. "That goes for you too, Adam. And Jay and Hailey as well."

"And me," Kevin added and pulled me in for a side hug.

"You already have a key," I point out. "But yeah, you too. Well, I should get going since I technically don't work in this unit. I'll see you guys later. And I'll be by tomorrow to pack up my stuff."

"Y/n! Wait up!" Kevin called out and followed after me, stopping me at the platform past the first set of stairs. "Did you only quit because of what happened between me and Voight? I don't want you to leave if that's the only reason."

"Kev, I quit because this job is ruining me," I confess. "Sure, I also considered what happened between the two of you, but it was mainly because I felt like I wasn't myself when I was here. I don't want to be in a unit that turns me into a version of myself that I don't like. I'm uh, I'm really gonna miss working with you everyday. And I'm definitely gonna miss everyone else. They're my second family."

"I'm proud of you, you know," Kevin told me. "For following your heart. For doing what you think is best for yourself. I'm gonna miss you like hell up here, but I know that you're gonna do great things elsewhere."

"Thanks," I mumble and lean up to give him a quick kiss. "So, Molly's later. Don't forget. And tell Hailey and Jay for me, would ya?"

Kevin nodded. "Sure thing. Now, you know Platt is gonna go on a rampage when you tell her you quit, right?"

"Oh yeah," I confirm. "Trudy Platt will be pissed off, but I'm sure she'll understand. She always does. Speaking of her, I should go talk to her now. I'll see you later, Kev."

________________________

Taglist:

@prettypyschoinpink @securityfriendly-jay @scarletsoldierrr @lorenakaspersen @virtualreader @carnationworld @caitsymichelle13 @ncostin2001 @evangeline91 @just-arather-veryconfused-being @generalfarmmuffinagle @kaitlyn-marie-a @shywritermoon @jbbarnes212 @multifandom-loser @wanniiieeee @sesamepancakes @pinkbay-love

[minteafresha]

i put my movie logs in a spreadsheet.. The numbers are in..

2021--- 273 movies, 12 TV shows. First movie: Selena.

2022--- 182 movies, 15 shows. First movie: Looper.

2023--- 120 movies, 5 shows. First movie: Top Gun: Maverick.

This year my first movie was Stuart Little. I really liked it. Also i liked Selena.

the most-watched movie: Planes (2013). i've seen it 7 times. I've seen planes fire and rescue 5 times. Within the past 3 years i've seen strange magic 5 times. So I've probably seen it 7 or 8 times in my life.

honorable mentions: Kirby Buckets, The Bad Guys (4x), Jack and Jill (4x), Ice Age Collision Course (2x), and Kajillionaire (2x)

Also in October 2021 I watched Strange Magic twice and Because of Winn-Dixie twice, almost back to back. Fun stuff

My goal this year is to watch at least 151 movies, because that's halfway between 182 and 120.

[sherifftillman]

An Unambiguous Love [1/10]: First Day Out Front

:: 1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 ::

alternate AO3 link

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Eddie Munson x f!Reader

Genre: fluff

Summary: Your favourite customers really make it easier returning to the town you never went to school in. If only your friends at work would stop trying to play matchmaker between you.

Chapter 1 word count: 2428

A/N: Ahh, here it is! The thing I keep saying has been kicking my ass lately!! I really hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I've ultimately enjoyed writing it. Also big big love to @denim-mixtapes for beta-ing/de-British-ing the things I write.

“Heads up!” You look up at the source of the command you just heard to witness a paper ball leave your colleague Jesse’s hand, swing through the air as though in slow motion, and collide directly with your forehead. You give him a stern look, and he smirks while shaking with laughter. “I mean, I did warn you.”

You flip him off, “Way to kick off my first day on the shop floor.”

“I am your mentor out here, I need to prepare you for anything. Be grateful it wasn’t a figurine, that would have hurt,” Jesse points out. “Nah, it’s easy enough out here. You’ll even be able to run shifts all by yourself in no time.”

You hold up your index finger this time, “Correction, you could in no time. You know how many dirty looks I get just from saying the word comic in front of most men?”

He pulls a face. “I’m sure most of our customers are just like me, and I’m one of those female-ists! I let you join my D&D campaign, remember? That was great!”

You think back to the group containing mostly your fellow employees, and a couple of other guys around your age from Jesse’s past, who may not have directly said anything against you, but who certainly treated his poorly-written female NPCs far worse than his mediocrely-written male ones, constantly trying to pursue them until Jesse would throw a tantrum and refuse to “flirt'' with his players. Instead of arguing, you simply opt to look down so he doesn’t see the resigned expression that so badly insists on creeping along your face.

As you’re looking down, you notice the crumpled up paper isn’t just plain, it’s a half-written Dungeons and Dragons character sheet. Curious as to why it was abandoned, you unfurl it and read the first box.

Name: Steve Harr Bashemall

You chuckle at a half-orc fighter being essentially called "bash them all". You never really made any lasting friends before you moved out of Hawkins in your elementary years, and you and your family moved back just after you graduated high school, but this town's small enough that you know who Steve Harrington, King of Hawkins High is. He works at the Family Video right opposite your store, with the clumsy girl who you once literally bumped into on one of your trash runs after you had to deal with a delivery of misprints. She had at least helped you run around the blustery parking lot collecting them all back up again, and you'd sworn you could never show your face in front of him again after seeing the silhouette of his broad shoulders and swooping hair in the store window, clearly watching you run around like a headless chicken. 

Jesse sees you reading the sheet and chuckles. "Ah, is that Harrington's garbage? Yeah, I was here when he came in with that, uh… Trailer boy. Munson."

"You say that like I'm just supposed to know them," you retort.

Jesse shrugs, "Anyway, Munson got his wires crossed, thought it was last week that we were launching D&D supplies. Brought in his own blank character sheet to, what was it he said? 'Keep Stevie busy', or something." You allow yourself a small laugh at the nickname. "But obviously that was pretty short-lived. He kept trying to name his character real boring names like Brian until -" Jesse makes some kind of unintelligible groan. "Until I said it might suit him to play an unassuming human rogue with a deadly secret, but he called that “pretentious” until he started yelling "Bash 'em! I wanna bash 'em all! That's my character!" so Munson told him to write it down. I don't think they got too much farther with it. I only found it 'cause I realised just now I hadn't thrown it away, it was just trash."

You fold it away and tuck it into a drawer in your desk. There's a very brief character description, if it gets quiet you could always use some extra drawing practice.

The morning goes by pretty smoothly, the register is easy enough to use, the clientele haven't been too harsh. Which means Jesse has “decided” to let you fly solo until someone else takes over. "I can’t stay anyway, I, uh… I’ve told Cam already that I’ve got a migraine coming on.” If he’s telling the truth, he’s weirdly unaffected for someone whose symptoms are so bad he apparently can’t work any longer. “It's not like you're on your own, Tiffany's just dealing with this week's delivery out back, you can call on her if you really need anything!" he calls over his shoulder as the door hits the bell that dangles just above it.

Sighing in resignation, you shout out, “Tiff?”

“One second, hun!” The other female player in Jesse’s D&D campaign calls out.

“Oh, it’s all good as long as you can hear me. Just thought I’d tell you Jesse’s gone for the day. Says it’s a migraine.”

You hear the clatter of something being dropped and soon after, Tiffany rushedly appears at the back room door. “What a jerk! You want me to put a word in with the big guy about him?”

You shake your head. “I’ll be fine, I’m sure. Cameron’s in the office today, and I don’t want him to think I need my hand held all the time. Just wanted to check that you were within shouting distance if I needed you for something.”

Tiffany pads over and reaches around behind your back to give you a quick squeeze of encouragement. “I’ll always have your back here! Especially over my lame-ass brother,” she pulls a face and you laugh. Fresh into high school, Tiffany has all the nerdy know-how Jesse does, and thankfully a far more palatable personality. “And don’t be scared of Cameron. He’s cool when he wants to be.” 

“Yeah, I know. I just spent… So damn long in that back room. I don’t want to cause trouble on my first day out.” You sigh. 

“I’m gonna miss having my behind-the-scenes sister with me!” Tiff pouts.

You grin, “Just makes us the dream team now, right?”

“The face and the brains!” She mirrors your expression, pointing at you and then herself, and runs off before she can see your borderline offended look.

A little while after noon hits, after a dull enough morning that you’ve been spending your time absent-mindely drawing, the doorbell tolls. You look up to see the familiar silhouette of a stocky man with perfect hair, but this time you can see his warm eyes and chiselled jaw. He at first goes straight for the comic section, thumbing through different boxes with his tongue poking his cheek out and looking confused.

“Need some help?” You offer, and he gets snapped out of his trance to look at you for the first time. His expression when he locks eyes with you is so much softer than you were expecting from the charismatic reputation that has preceded him.

“Uh, yeah, actually, sorry. Friend of mine wanted me to pick him up a… number 200 Lantern? Said I should get here nice and early in case it sells out fast. Apparently it’s a big one?” he asks, blowing air through his lips in a rasp and holding his arm out in a half-shrug.

For a moment, you understand the power trip that knowing more than someone else can have, but you’re no Jesse. Instead, you nod understandingly. “Got it, Green Lantern #200. Yeah, it’s literally a big one. Poor Tiff’s been fighting with them all day back there,” you gesture with your head to the back room door. “They came in this morning, but they don’t hit the shelves until tomorrow. Same day the D&D stuff gets out, too. Sorry.”

He groans, “Stupid Dustin, getting the date wrong… Sorry for wasting your time,” he states as he wanders up to your counter. He notices that you’re drawing something and leans over to look. “I’m Steve, by the - oh,” he stops suddenly when he recognises the crumpled up paper you’ve been using for reference. “Is that -”

You don’t usually embarrass easily, but your cheeks do tint pink. “Uh, yeah, one of my colleagues used this sheet as a missile and I figured since I haven’t had much practice drawing orcs - or half-orcs, in this case - I could give it a go.”

“So this is what Bashemall looks like, huh?” he asks, swivelling himself around to angle his point of view to look at it from your perspective. “That’s amazing.”

“Well, ultimately only you know that. I’m just going by what little is written here, and some reference of my own knowledge of orcs’ anatomy. Um, you haven’t really said anything about hair, though, so I’m not sure what would look best on him…” you study your sketchbook page, tilting your head from side to side as you try to imagine different hairstyles on him.

“Well, I mean, I put enough effort into my own hair that I’d like to think it would look good no matter what kind of face I had, so… Maybe he could have hair like mine?”

You look back up at him, eyes narrowing as you study the way his hair looks for a moment. “Sure, I could do that,” you nod. “Mind if I use you as reference, or do you gotta head back?”

“Ah, Robin can cope without me for a few minutes,” he waves off before snorting a quick chuckle out of a half-smile. “She, uh, she’s the one who helped you whip the parking lot back into shape a couple weeks back.”

You raise your eyebrows at him. “Wow, so you are the one who just stood watching in the window! How heroic,” you smile sarcastically and he laughs harder. “Alright, well, I’ve been drawing this guy at a ¾ view so if you could just move your head…” you try and gesture with your hands how you want his head positioned, but he doesn’t seem to be getting it. Instead, you opt for using the end of your pencil to push his jaw up slightly, then across slightly until it’s angled just right.

“You need me to make a face for you?” Steve asks, immediately cycling through an array of facial expressions.

You giggle, “Not for the drawing, but for my own entertainment, sure!” He continues pulling faces until you’ve sketched a full head of hair. You hold your sketchbook up and he finally breaks pose to look at it in full.

His face is filled with admiration. “This is so good! Almost makes me want to pick it up. Almost,” he points at you, eyes wide. “But not totally. It’s still very much Munson’s and the kids’ thing,” he shakes his head. “I can’t wrap my head around it all.”

“Well, then, I’m super honoured that you entertained the idea of me drawing a D&D character that’ll never see the light of day,” you smile, before having an idea. Holding a single finger up, you ask, “Please hold just a second,” before slinking back to the back room.

You open the door to find Tiff backing away, far closer than she should have been if she were at her post. “Is that the Steve Harrington out there I hear?!”

“Yeah… Yeah,” you nod, half-distractedly. Despite the fact he’s only a door away, part of you just wants him back in your field of vision as soon as possible. Looking over at the manager’s office’s closed door, trying to stay out of its earshot, you ask in a hushed tone, “Uh, hey, I don’t suppose you could slide me a copy of Green Lantern a day early? I’ll make sure it all gets paid for, I jus-”

“Say no more,” Tiffany singsongs as she presses a copy into your chest. “Just remember to ask me to be your maid of honour.”

You roll your eyes at her as you head back out to the shop floor. You toss the issue onto the counter and gesture to it. “There you go. For being such a good model. Don’t go telling anybody you got it a day early, though.”

Steve gasps deeply, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Oh, I’m definitely gonna be Henderson’s favourite for this! Thanks, I seriously owe you!”

You narrow your eyes, “I literally just said this makes up for letting me draw your hair! You don’t owe me shit now.”

“Oh no, trust me, you have no idea what this is going to do to my reputation. I still owe you so hard,” Steve picks the issue up and tucks it beneath his jacket.

“Just… Maybe come back every once in a while? It’d be nice to have a friendly face around every now and again to chat to,” you suggest.

Steve salutes, “You got it…” He leans in to read your name badge and calls you by name. Huh, guess you forgot to introduce yourself. Maybe you should be doing that more. 

He rushes out of the store, back to his own workplace, and you step back to rap your knuckles against the back room door. “You can come out now, Tiff,” you murmur just loud enough to be heard on the other side.

Sure enough, Tiffany opens the door just enough to poke her head through the gap. “Oh my  god, he is so into you.”

You shake your head in disbelief. “Please, he’s just being friendly. There was nothing flirty about anything either of us said.”

“Exactly!” Tiffany hisses. “If I know anything about Steve Harrington, from what I’ve heard, he usually flirts so hard! You clearly make him nervous, he’s obviously intimidated by you. Trust me.”

“You want me to ‘trust’ what you’ve ‘heard’ about someone who graduated last year, before you were even at that school?” you ask in disbelief, shaking your head. “He just seemed like he was being nice. I dunno. It’d be cool to have a friend outside of here, too.”

“Well, I’m still gonna have hope,” Tiffany shrugs as she sneaks back to her work.

When your shift finally ends, as you get to your car you look up at Family Video one last time to see Steve at the window. He lifts his hand to just in front of his chest to give you a small wave goodbye with a soft smile to match. You wave back, feeling a sensation of warmth emanate all through your body.

[cheriboms]

BTTF Year-End Tag Game!

Thank you to both @bttf-dork and @future-boi for tagging me in this ;w; also pika ur comments about my art WAHHHH ILYSM <33 oTL

This year:

How many times would you guess you watched the first back to the future movie?

Since I only hopped on this time train towards the final third of the year lol: fully all the way through, at least 4! Otherwise I've jumped around a lot while looking for clips and references and stuff. So if I stitch all those together, then we'll say approx 5ish :) The first movie is my favorite one!

Did you get any sweet bttf merch? If so, what?

Noooo, I don't really have any merch for things I like, actually... it gives me too much anxiety to publicly show my interests ;w;

How many cans of Pepsi Free did you chug this year?

None LOL I don't really drink soda to begin with, but if I do, I prefer white (lemon lime) soda anyway :P

What was a favorite bttf fanfic you read this year?

I'm going to be honest, I... don't read fanfic very much. 🫣 I usually end up creating my own stuff (art/writing) when I have free time vs looking at other people's, which ik I need to get better at T_T So I don't have a loooot to rec... that being said I MUST shout out "Emmett's first weather expirement." by @alex-a-fans !!! <3 It is my greatest treasure of the year <333

I also really liked "incredible" by @penny-anna, which I read before I officially entered le fandom ;w; lone pine doc and baby marty my beloveds !!!!!

Finally, like basically all of the Doctober prompts from @doctorbrown *O* Days 8, 22, and 30 are some of my favorites, but I really recommend them all oTL theyre SOOO GOOOOOD !!!!!

A favorite bttf fanart you saw this year? (please give us a link, not a screencap/repost!)

See: everything I reblogged. Jk but fr, everyone is so so talented it's really hard to choose :'0 Here's a bunch of some of my faves in no particular order!!

[x] from @hearts-for-winona | [x] from @maxintime | [x] from @future-boi | [x] from @bttf-dork | [x] from @synthsays and @daryfromthefuture | [x] from @therobotwig | [x] from @22194isbestboy | [x] from @mythical-bookworm | [x] from @mkayeatsspaghetii | [x] from @tobytost / @tobytost-star

Did you create any bttf fanart or fanfic? If you did, what one(s) are you proudest of?

Yes I did !!! It is actually the most fan content I've ever made for a fandom since I was in... maybe junior high? So like YUH. Tbh, it's very difficult for me to find what you would call 'pride' in my art so ehh >_>; that being said, I do think that I had a lot of good IDEAS for Doctober (esp days 19 and 28), but my execution wasnt really the best. I would have liked to draw days 17 and 24 (+ time travel day) a little more properly too; like, I'm not as disappointed at how they turned out, but I still wish they were better and/or I could have given them more time. The ones I most actually-tried-and-dont-mind are days 7, 9, and 21 + under the sea dance day. (So many links was probably cheating but tbf I've kinda bent the rules for the past few questions so... whatevs lol). I've ALSOOO still been working on my godforsaken essay, it is 40 pages rn but even tho it's not done, I'm INSANELY proud of it Q_Q

How many times were you late for school this year?

None! B) For one thing I'm graduated lol, but also I'm typically early gang. I'm that person who'd sit in the classroom by myself for like 5 minutes before everyone else would show up LMBO ^^;

Did you watch any other movies/tv shows with BTTF actors in them?

Yess I did!! A... lot actually :0 Most of them were by chance/pre bttf era, but still :P Here is my list as well as I could find, sorry it is soooo long, but what are ya gonna do:

Star Wars/The Mandalorian; The Addams Family (1991); The Tale of Desperaux (2008); Cyberchase; & Clue (1985) -- Christopher Lloyd, havent rewatched the latter 3 since I was a kid and literally went :0 to learn he apparently was in them. Also Kings Quest (2015) which isn't a movie/show but I think it counts uwu

Stuart Little (1999) -- Michael J. Fox, which also rocked my world to discover O_O like hearing it now I'm like "yeah thats him alright" but as a kid I would never have been able to tell you that was the same guy from that time travel movie, despite watching both way too much LMBO

Elf (2003) & Last Vegas (2013) -- Mary Steenburgen, nothing much to say except that she slayed ^_^

Love at the Christmas Table (2012) -- Lea Thompson, I didn't care for it and was shouting "LEA GET OUT OF THIS MOVIE, UR BETTER THAN THIS" like the whole time lol.

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002) & Curious George (2006) -- apparently these have Donald Fullilove (Goldie Wilson) in them? Same w Jason Scott Lee (Whitey) in Lilo & Stitch (2002)??? And Star Wars/Kenobi show apparently had Flea (Needles)????? ...HUH.

I binged both the entirety of Law and Order: SVU as well as Seinfeld this year w my sister; apparently Mary Steenburgen, Lea Thompson, & Casey Siemaszko (3-D) are in at least one episode of the former, while Elsa Raven (Clocktower Lady) and Ricky Dean Logan (Data) are apparently in a random episode of Seinfeld each. So like, technically I saw them, tho I don't distinctly remember it :'D Also, I have been making my way through Little House on the Prairie recently, which has Matt Clark (Chester the Bartender) in a few episodes !

Finally finally finally, I watched I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore (2017), as well as the LOTR trilogy like. Twice? And they all have Elijah Wood of course >:3c

Was there a memorable moment you heard a Huey Lewis song this year?

None in the wild, no :P But I did end up being in the top 0.1% of listeners for Huey Lewis this year... so UHHHHH take that as u will LMBO

How many times did you fall down this year?

Hmmm idk?? Probably at least 1 I would think ???

Did you get to see BTTF: The Musical? What was your experience like!

Nooo, I didn't even know it existed until like October !!! It looks super fun but atm/last I checked it doesn't come to where I live so :( I should listen to the soundtrack soon!

How many times did your mom retell the story of how she and your father met?

At least three times, and then probably a few times I'm forgetting :P

If you could describe your year in a BTTF quote, which one would it be?

The year in general is definitely "Oh great, the atrocity channel!" LMBO (but when hasn't it been since like... 2020? 2016???). For me personally, I think it's either "I don't know if I could take that kind of rejection." or "Don't talk to anyone, don't touch anything, don't do anything, don't interact with anyone, and try not to look at anything." ^^;

⚡️LIGHTNING ROUND⚡️ Did you get to: go on any trains, skate on a skateboard, ride a horse, drive a Delorean, run in the rain, go to a dance, hang up a clock, play the guitar, pull an all-nighter, read science fiction, or drive thru Burger King this year?

Your future is whatever you make it! So what are you going to make of this coming year?

I think I'm going to try to post more of the things I make, like my art and especially my writing ;w; Most of the time I'm quite George-ish and am too scared to put any of my stuff out there, for fear that no one will like it, so... I need to get better about that. Also I'd LIKE to get a full-time job and my own place some time next year, but we will see !!!

Idrk who to tag :0 ik @brinkle-brackle @mythical-bookworm and @alex-a-fans have already been tagged but havent technically done it yet... maybe also @backintime @tobytost @ectojester @stillpreoccupiedwith1985 @itsthemorph @doctorbrown @knickynoo and @fourth-dimensional-thinker :) but no pressure to do it, just didnt catch if youd been tagged or not!

[queseraone]

Do all the ones you haven't gotten yet 😂🥰❤️ ilysm

OMG YOU BRAT

1. Which of your fics would you keep the basic plot of but rewrite completely? Um, probably my Linstead multi-chapter (I think you're familiar hahahaha), mostly because I had no plan in place and it became a total mess. So I guess I would rewrite it by... not writing it at all? Oh! But seriously I kind of wish I could go back and re-write this one. It was my first foray into writing for Chenford, and I've been thinking about a bunch lately for some reason (I think because it's vaguely related to another idea I have). I wish I'd kept it entirely canon compliant.

3. How would you describe your writing style? Lately? Nonexistent.

4. Do you have any OCs? Do you have a story for them? Original characters are TERRIFYING to me. There's a reason I write fanfic and not original fiction, coming up with characters (especially well-rounded, relatable ones that people like) feels impossible. So I just... don't. (To the point that I researched the names of every single referenced member of Metro so I could use actual character names and not make any up. I have the list if anyone's interested 😜)

5. What's a tag you never want to use for your works even when it applies? I find this question confusing. I never want to use MCD, but it shouldn't ever apply since I have no intention to write it. What a cop out of an answer, but I don't understanddddd. OH! I sometimes wish I could exclude relevant tags for the surprise factor.

6. What's your ratio for rating your works? What does this mean? Oh wait, I think it means in terms of T vs M vs E? Sex brings it to M, and porn is E?

7. Your favourite ao3 tag. Lately? Established relationship or missing moment.

8. How slow is a slow burn? So slow that they spend most of the story dancing around their feelings and only get together near the very end.

12. If you write in more than one language, what's the difference? Strictly English over here.

13. Rate your worldbuilding skills from 1 to 10. Uh... 1 or 2? Because I don't build worlds, I play in existing ones created by the show?

16. Are one-shots really underrated? Wait are they underrated??? WHY?? I LOVE a one-shot. Whether it's 500, 2000, or 10K words, I love being able to sit down and enjoy and fully fleshed out story from start to finish.

17. Past or present tense? Why? I used to write in past tense, but I think reading more present tense influenced me to do the same, and now I prefer present.

19. Share a snippet from a wip without giving any context for it.

“No!” she practically shouts at him. She takes a moment to school herself, exhaling slowly. “I mean, Tim, I say this with love, but if you don’t give me some fucking space, I will kill you.”

20. Do you work on a single project or many at the same time? How does that work for you? Many. Though it usually bites me in the ass because I end up stuck on something, and then something else, etc. So clearly it doesn't work all that well. But I think (unless I was on a total roll, which sometimes happens) I'd be stifled if I focused on only one thing. Plus ideas tend to multiply.

21. Can you accurately predict how long your fics are going to be? If you can, what's your secret? No, not really. I don't typically write anything super long though.

22. What is it about watching the same two idiots falling in love over and over again? I DON'T KNOW BUT I LOVE MY IDIOTS!!!!

24. Thoughts on flashbacks/flashforwards. Not really a fan, especially if they're super long. A couple of lines here or there are a-okay with me, but when you're italicizing half a chapter? Pass.

25. Is writing the whole thing beforehand better or worse than writing it as you go? As in, with a multi-chapter? I clearly suck at that, so I think I'd only ever do another if I wrote the whole thing in advance (or at least had a VERY clear plan in place)

27. Do you agree that one shouldn't start a story with a piece of dialogue? Nope, strongly disagree. Sometimes it just works to jump right in without preamble.

28. Any writing advice that works for you and you feel like sharing? Not really, but I'll take any advice you want to throw at me, because I am soooooo stuck.

30. Describe a fic that almost happened, but then it didn't. Well right now, every single one. Because I CAN'T WRITE 😩. Oh, but my Contractor Jay fic counts I guess? *Sigh* 10K words of nothing. IT HAUNTS ME

32. Do you have a word/expression that you always use in your writing? Fuck. And murmur. I looooove murmur, it's my favourite.

33. Give your writing a compliment. 😩 I... can... idk dude, I can't right now. How do you compliment something that doesn't exist?!?!?!? I'm going with my fallback -- I'm decent(ish) with words themselves, but ideas are my struggle.

34. Do you write to improve? Or is that not a concern for you? Do I sound like an ass if I say no? 😬 I write as a creative outlet, that's all.

35. Thoughts on writing challenges/contests. Contests, no thanks, I don't like the idea of pitting writers against each other (assuming that's what that means???). I'm all about celebrating other writers. Challenges, like #chenfordweek? YES, I wrote more that week that I had in ages, I apparently do well when there's a fire under my ass.

36. How do you come up with fic titles? What's the one you're most proud of? I ask you? 😅 And when I try by myself, I follow your lead of Taylor Swift lyrics. Fave of the ones I've managed to do on my own? I like this one best I think?

38. "This never happened" fix-it fics or "this happened but" fix-it fics?

As long as you fix it, I'm happy! (Yes Suz, I mean you specifically here)

39. Wildest AU scenario you have written? I've only written one, so I guess that's it -- paging Dr. Jay Halstead. I don't think any of the AU ideas I've played around with are particularly wild.

40. Write a 9-word fic. What the fuck is this question?!!? Tim Bradford loves Lucy Chen forever and ever. Amen. Nine words does not a fic make.

Thanks-ish, I love you and I hate you for this 💖

[nerflufser]

<casual questions PART TWO!!!!>

(5) what’s your art style?

(6) what’s a specific thing you can draw and never get tired of?

(7) do you o you have a favorite book/movie/show?

(8) yet not having any idols, are you a fan of many diffrent creators and take inspo of them? (You don’t have to awnser this one, you actually don’t have to awnser any of these btw.)

((THERE YA GO. >:3))

Oooo~ yay more questions :)) (sorry if my typing is a bit wonky I just woke up LMAO)

5) uhh honestly I dunno, people have said it's realistic with cartoony features other people call it a weird more cartoony form of anime, ig just my own style?? Cause I see where they're coming from I have taken inspo from all those things and shaped it into something of my own style:)).

6) Zip. She's pretttyyyy much the one thing I've been drawing since day one of digital. Now I did have this other OC I did draw non stop their name was like XZIRLIC?? (All caps cuz I'm sure that how I wrote it on paper 💀) I've been thinking of re-drawing them but they are a WILD OC I have. I also have this horse pony thingy I don't think I ever gave it a name 💀.

7) For books uhhh I haven't really read anything too new to me. But there was a book a few years back around the time covid stuck up that I got from target 💀 it was called' a wolf called wander/wonder (can't remember) ' it was about this wolf that left their home after their clan died from this other wolf clan past the mountains seeking haven. It don't think I ever finished it 😭 I was thinking about re-reading it but I do have another new book I got. Movie? Mhmm I have a lot of those ig mostly John wick movies, a little free guy is good to, another good one I recently watched was bullet train. (I'm sure you can see where this is going 💀💀) so mostly comedic violence (No this doesn't go for like SAW or some bs that shit is nasty AF man.) My favorite show of all time is the good place. Shocker ikr /sar I got into it about mid way last year and has watched it over and over again it's become a comfort show of mine. I also like the concept of it with all the plot twists but also teaching people about philosophy!? That's fuckin awesome.

8) pfft I am a fan of a lot of creators- I really like @/whoectypes stuff I really like their OC designs and how they're building a world, they are also a super cool person in general. I'm not close to them I wouldn't even call each other friends or anything, more of moots, we both support each other and treat each other with respect. For another person?? @/cupsie most definitely, they were actually one of my first followers. And then we became like besties cuz yk we simp for ray- I mean ram- I mean cause of a common interest. I really like how they use pastels and they doo rubber hose soooo gooooooddddd arugh I just start jumping up and down and flapping my lil silly hands when I see their art /pos. Now I don't take inspo from any creators that I remember seeing on this app (or at least not intentional) alot of my inspiration comes from dali. **Insert dramatic duh duh DUHHH here** yeah dali. I grew up with dali, now the real question is, "how can a cartoonist be inspired to start drawing from a surrealist?!" Actually surrealism and cartoonism is actually VERY similar, look at the colors look at how proportions aren't correct, don't look directly at the picture look at what something has to be deemed surrealism and cartoonism in a modern day conversation (omg me actually being kinda stupid and smart 🤯). Anyways before we get off track is the question ' how? ' the answer to the question is **drum roll please** colors :p. And the flowy-ness of his art, you can see a lot of different ways I use like smoke or water, that's from looking at dalis work, same with all his vibrant colors ugh I love it. I didn't study off of him, oh no. I just live a bike ride away to a museum that features his work so granted I would go there like every other month or something stupid cause of school or families in town, so I'm quite familiar with his art. So as DR. Seuss there's a mini art gallery again a bike ride away and they change out the paintings and sculptures like every other month or something. So you get more familiar with his work. Same reasons as dali too color and flow.

[sassybluee]

Dramas in 2023 roundup!

It's midway thru January, but it's never too late to reflect on the year before. I think I watched the most dramas I've ever had this past year, so I wanted to write a little roundup with my thoughts.

Here's an overview of the ones I completed!

Unchained Love (2022) ⭐️ 7.5

I've Fallen for You (2020) ⭐️ 8

Miss the Dragon (2021) ⭐️ 7

The Rational Life (2021) ⭐️ 9

Till the End of the Moon (2023) ⭐️8.5

A Romance of the Little Forest (2022) ⭐️ 7

Back from the Brink (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

The Starry Love (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

The Wolf (2020) ⭐️ 8.5

My Journey to You (2023) ⭐️ 8

Never Give Up (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

Ancient Love Poetry (2021) ⭐️ 9

Destined With You (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

Here are the ones I placed on hold/dropped

Legend of Anle

Love You Seven Times

Love in Flames of War

Only for Love (dropped)

The Snow Moon (dropped)

More detailed thoughts below the cut!

Unchained Love (2022) ⭐️ 7.5

Part palace drama, part comedy, this was a fun ride. I really liked watching the relationship between Bu Yinlou and Xiao Duo develop from friendship into romance. The comedy moments were really well done, and had me actually laughing out loud. The fight sequences were also really well done, and I liked the costumes. However, the last five or so episodes had such an abrupt tonal shift, and there were some questionable decisions made by otherwise smart characters, so it kind of fell flat at the end. BUT I would still watch it again, just maybe just skip the last eps.

I've Fallen for You (2020) ⭐️ 8

I didn't expect to like this one as much as I did. The basic concept is: childhood sweethearts try to find their way back to each other, end up married after a strange series of events, but they aren't sure their spouse is the childhood sweetheart they're looking for. It's silly, cute, and very good fun. I really liked the secondary couple as well. The ending managed to make me very emotional, which surprised me. And I enjoyed that the heroine was a fan of doing autopsies (something that does occasionally become plot-relevant).

Miss the Dragon (2021) ⭐️ 7

Okay, first off, I know this one has a reputation of being a bad drama. And tbh, I agree! Objectively, it's not very good. HOWEVER! The viewing experience? Was so fun. The characters? Very entertaining. The frenemy dynamic between the ML and 2ndML? Hilarious and also a bit gay. The FL is a bit flat, but she does develop more personality through her various reincarnations. My fave life of hers was the 3rd, I believe (the lady general arc). Wang Hedi's acting is not the best but I still think he's very cute lol and he's watchable! It's just maybe not what you'd expect from him if you saw CLJ or The Rational Life first.

The Rational Life (2021) ⭐️ 9

Yes, this was for a bit of a palate cleanser after the overall ride that was Miss the Dragon. I wasn't sure if I'd be into the modern cdrama genre cuz fantasy/historical is more my preferred vibe of media, HOWEVER, I wanted to give it a shot because I'd seen some cute gifs. I really loved it, far more than I expected to. Every character was really well done, and I really liked how the story was centred on women's experiences in various workplaces/times in their life. It also gave me age gap brainrot, I won't lie. I loved the gradual build from coworkers to friendship to romance with Qi Xiao and Shen Ruoxin. I will say tho... I would like to know what whoever dressed Wang Hedi in this show was thinking. Some of those outfits were... a choice lol.

Till the End of the Moon (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

Everyone has seen or at least heard about it at this point. Dare I say it's iconic? I won't lie, my rating upon finishing it was lower. I had issues with the pacing in parts and I found the last episodes difficult to get thru because they just didn't capture my attention the way the beginning of the drama did. However, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. Plus, the performances by Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu are amazing. And I really feel they embody the "enemies to lovers" trope better than anyone!

A Romance of the Little Forest (2022) ⭐️ 7

Tbh... this show deserves less than a 7, but I rated it as such because I love my queen Xinxin, and her chemistry with Zhang Binbin was good. I think this would've worked better as a 24-episode drama, as the last couple plot arcs felt kind of tacked on. It's great if you want to see Yu Shuxin in various adorable outfits and a fun fake dating plot, but maybe stopping midway is good enough. Fair warning, the second couple's storyline was awful on several levels. Essentially, the man lies about being in a wheelchair to garner sympathy with his crush, who herself is partially Deaf. Yeah, it's BAD. Just skip all their scenes.

Back from the Brink (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

I really enjoyed this, especially how silly it could be. They really amped up the humour, and to me that worked well. At the same time, there were also some very heartfelt moments that made me tear up. I really liked the side couples as well, they were all quite likeable. It was just a really fun show from beginning to end.

The Starry Love (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

I really enjoyed this, up until the last arc. I found after that, it dragged a bit. To be honest, it dragged a bit in earlier parts too. What saved it for me was the humour, the relationship between the two sisters, the Void Realm subplots, and the adorable Di Lanjue. Unfortunately, Yetan/Youqin didn't really do much for me, but I still found them enjoyable at times.

The Wolf (2020) ⭐️ 8.5

This was a surprise for me. I didn't expect I'd like it much going in, but I still wanted to give it a try for my guy Xiao Zhan. I'd tried watching it before when it first aired, but I found the first couple episodes too cheesy. I still found them incredibly cheesy this time, but after about midway through episode 3 when the main plot kicked off, I found myself really invested. Fair warning, Xiao Zhan only shows up in episode 11, so if you're watching it just for him, you may be disappointed. Fortunately, I found myself invested in all the characters quite a bit. If you like messy toxic bitches, this is the drama for you. Warning: there was an attempted rape scene I found quite uncomfortable (though it's not played as being romantic, thankfully). There are a couple other dubcon incidents I wasn't a huge fan of, and one character has a miscarriage. Just things to keep in mind before viewing.

My Journey to You ⭐️ 8

Where do I even start here? Once again, I probably should rate it lower, because the story itself is a mess. HOWEVER, the characters, aesthetics, and cinematography are all excellent. The characters are really what stayed with me the most, and the episode focusing on Yun Que was devastating in all the best ways. The beginning episodes were also fantastic, the way the story unfurled. It just became clear in the latter half of the series that the writer had written himself into a corner and didn't know how to get out. Frustrating, but I don't regret my journey with this show (heh, get it). It's for that reason I'm not sure I can ever rec it to anyone, but I'll gladly talk about it to anyone who will listen.

Never Give Up (2023) ⭐️ 8.5

This was a fun office sitcom-style drama that I really breezed through after the horror show that was MJTY. Lighthearted with short episodes, it was very enjoyable. If you've ever worked in an office, you can probably relate. Once again, I'd like to speak with whoever dressed Wang Hedi cuz they made some interesting choices lol.

Ancient Love Poetry (2021) ⭐️ 9

Another surprise for me. I had tried the first episodes a while back and found it a bit dense, but restarting it this year I found it a lot more interesting. Maybe having more xianxia general knowledge helped me out. It was a really beautifully done drama. The CGI and sets were all superb. There was a whole host of characters to get invested in as well. It was a truly epic story from start to finish.

Destined With You (2023) ⭐️ 7.5

The one Kdrama on this list! I really loved the two actors, their chemistry, and the plot in general, but the pacing in the middle took me out a bit. I would still recommend watching it, as there was lots to enjoy. The modern with magic elements were really intriguing, as was the concept of past lives. I also like that the ML and 2ndML work together instead of constantly butting heads once it becomes clear who the FL will pick. The flashbacks to the past life were also really interesting--I wish we'd had more of that tbh! I'll definitely be looking out for both actors in other dramas!

As for the shows I placed on hold, I will likely stop lying to myself and drop them. But I might give them another shot before doing so. I'm still really disappointed by Only for Love, but I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Not even the power of Didi and Bai Lu could make me do it. It just got too frustrating.

Now, I'm currently watching Story of Kunning Palace, Royal Rumours, and The Last Immortal. I'm not super sold on the last 2, but SOKP has really grabbed me by the throat (just like Xie Wei to Jiang Xuening) so I'm glad to be starting the year off strong!

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I haven't done lists in a while and there's a lot pilling up just this week so it's time to bring it back.

1. I'm revisting Old Hollywood again now that I've watched most of the films nominated for Oscar this year. The Be Kind Rewind youtube channel has been sort of the trigger for going back to the past and for that I have to thank @shimako for the recommendation 🩷 I've watched the 2 hour and a half video essays on the Valley of The Dolls and the behind the scenes story is far more interesting that the film itself.

Not to say that the themes addressed in the film wouldn't be, like disillusionment in Hollywood, personal grievances, what it means to be an actress and especially not a really succesful one. It reminded me of Didion's Play It As It Lays (which I think it's a better piece of literature although the film adaption seems to have turned into a failure?)

2. Anyway, that made me go down the rabbit hole and watch other essays on Ruth Gordon (amazing woman) and Katharine Hepburn.

3 . Speaking of Hepburn, I realized yesterday that I've only seen her paired on screen with Cary Grant and not with Spencer Tracy (I know!). So I rectified that mistake and I watched Adam's Rib (George Cukor, 1949) and I finally understood what all the fuss was about and I have some sort of theory. Grant and Hepburn together are like this very performative version of a couple in which the constant bickering takes center stage, but even when they do get together, it lacks something. A bit of authenticity. But with the Hepburn-Tracy duo, you can almost feel it. It's right there in the small, natural gestures. Instant chemistry and love. They work so well together. I guess the off screen affair of 26 years helped that as well.

3. I love Mommy Dearest and Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford. The screaming, the crying, the makeup, "No wire hangers!". Poor baby Christina. It's a shame though that Faye Dunaway distanced herself from it because of how "bad" it turned out, but I understand why she felt she had to do it.

But I also couldn't help but think of DeNiro in Cape Fear and his own campy performance in a very 90s ridiculous film that allowed Scorsese to try his hand at that type of thriller. DeNiro's career didn't suffer because of it, as opposed to Dunaway's version of camp, which I prefer actually. It may have been hated at that time, but Mommie Dearest is a cult classic.

*Bonus: Currently listening to another You Must Remember This podcast series. It's Gossip Girls: Louella Parsons and Hedda Hopper, aka the famous old Hollywood gossip columnists.

Now, for some ridiculous internet & showbiz drama:

4. People going conspiracy mode over Kate Middleton? Some of us lived months without any sign from Jimin. They could learn from that. But love the memes.

5. I feel sorry for those kids in Glasgow. They really experienced the effects of AI used by assholes who wanted to make some money. The lady in green hair has been all over twitter and whilst funny for us, it is shitty to be in her shoes. The Unknown! 🤦‍♀️

6. Who was an ass to Rebecca Ferguson on set? The consensus is that Jake Gyllenhaal was the culprit and I wouldn't be surprised. But it needs more investigating.

7. Over in K-Pop Land Karina gets a boyfriend, her fans are devasted and Koreaboo is pumping "articles" by the minute. What else is new?

8. Stans of all types are stanning and fighting. One day 🐥 girlies, the next day 🐰 girlies and all the other crazies all week long, no break. I do read the stuff in my inbox, but I'm really not in a mood to comment on every shitty thing that happens so often. I know that once I do it, then I just invite more and it's just pointless. There's no actual JM and JK which is frustrating enough and no travel show on the horizon and it's just too bleak at this point.

We're waiting, clock is ticking. At least release a travel show as a summer content, ok?

9. I did see that Billboard kpop 100 top. Yeah, I don't understand the logic of including individual artists if they haven't charted on their own. Don't these people have editors to point out the flaws in the listicles? It's just dumb.

[biitchcakes]

@gammaragee asked: 🎥 - What’s your favourite tv show/movie? // ( accepting )

Okay, strap in ⸺ this is gonna get long I can feel it in my bones HGFDSGK I cannot. . . not talk about both of these things in a stupid amount of detail. I'm literally gonna just go ahead and stick the keep reading here.

Favourite shows ! I'll start off with SCRUBS. Oh, how I adore this show with every fibre of my being. My stepdad, someone pretty important to me, worked in the emergency room, and actually started his internship within a year of Scrubs beginning. So, watching it with him meant it was always going to cement itself into a special corner of my heart, but even with that aside ⸺ the show is just damn good. It's hilarious, it's heart wrenching, it's got a killer soundtrack each and every season. The characters feel so real, no matter how goofy they or the situations their in are at times.

I simply just think of the episode My Screw Up or My Fallen Idol and I feel a pit in my gut, I tear up. Everyone always brings those episodes up when talking about Scrubs, but there's a reason for that. MAN it's some good T.V. I hardly ever listen to podcasts, but the Scrubs rewatch podcast was one I tuned in for.

The way J.D. sees the world, his little fantasy cutaways, his rambles ⸺ hate to relate to the man LOL but boy does that hit home here. I was thinking about including a favourite scene but I couldn't. The whole show is just everything.

Next up: SUPERNATURAL. Man. I actually haven't seen much of the show past season nine. And even then, I haven't watched seasons 8 or 9 since they came out about ten years ago. And there's 15 seasons in total. That said, the first five seasons of that show. . . Holy hell. I can't begin to get into the way that show makes me feel 😭 It's so nostalgic, it's like coming home after a long time away. My one and only tattoo ( so far lmao ) is from that show. I know it can be cheesy at times, but that adds to its charm for me. I love how of it's time the first few seasons are.

The visuals of it, it's so aesthetically beautiful. And God, when the emotional scenes hit. . . they HIT. They punch through to the depths of my very soul.

There are things about both the brothers I find relatable. They're comforting to me, they're like family.

Last but certainly not least, THE GOOD PLACE. I nearly didn't watch this one. I got into it around the middle of seasons three, but I only knew the premise of "woman who should be in hell ends up in heaven by mistake". Which, if you've watched to show, you know is definitely not the only thing that happens DHGKSJ

I won't go into detail because I always want to avoid spoilers about it where I can because the twists the plot takes throughout the seasons are a lot of fun to experience first hand. And, even if you do know, the show is still super worth it. It sent me down my own philosophy rabbit hole for months. Already interested in it before, I've kept up on it since, I watch lectures whenever they pop up.

The finale. . . UUGGHGKSJDHGKS. One of the best on television. That show fundamentally changed me. I am chronically bad at finishing things, but I have finished both Scrubs and the Good Place. Boy am I glad I have. Best finales ever.

Alright this got away from me very quickly HGSDJK

I'll be brief here fhdskjfds so MOVIES ⸺ my top 7 are:

Willow

Meet the Robinsons

Shawshank Redemption

Lo

Everything Everywhere All At Once

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Stardust

Here is my LETTERBOXD account.

A list of MY FAVOURITE FILMS.

( bonus ⸺ here are my favourite horror movies, as well as my ranking for animated Disney movies; I'm currently working on a list of Jessica's favourite movies for a post on here at some point. )