#but those cigarette burns when we were 16 feel like yesterday

[slutdge]

gay ppl love to put out cigarettes on eachother as a sign of affection <3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #359

“i’m only a crack in this castle of glass  /  hardly anything there for you to see”

Do you look better with your hair down or up? It's too short to go up. Has you mom ever directly told you that she favoured your other sibling(s) over you? Yeesh, no. Have you ever read The Outsiders? Seen the movie? Read the book, seen the movie. Adore both. What’s your favourite drink from Jamba Juice? I don't think we have those here. Can you stand eating the crusts of a slice of sandwich bread? I don't mind the crust at all. Do you do your homework at home or in class? Prior to college, I did my work right after getting home to get it out of the way. In college, I did it in-between classes or when waiting for Mom to finish class. Do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? Yes, I never do it. Do you get jealous if your boyfriend hugs another girl? I'm single, but hypothetically, I wouldn't... It's just a hug. At least for me, it's just a friendly gesture. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? A few things, yes. Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? Nah. If you had to choose, what color is your favorite? Baby pink. How many times have you dated the person you’re with now? I’m single. Has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality? Yes. Do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more? Chocolate. Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? Nah. What color is your toothbrush? It's a white electric one. Do you normally fall asleep fast or slow? Ridiculously slow. Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction? No. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? I'd love to dress up as like a Ms. Oogie Boogie and take some cool pictures, but I highly doubt it'll actually happen. What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Do you still look in the toy aisle, or do you pass it by? I walk past it. What are your summer fashion essentials? I don't have fashion essentials for any season. Do you have your own website? For my photography, yeah. Do you think you would be a good salesperson? Ha, no. I worked in retail before and I fucking sucked. Do you like candy corn? NO. Just colored wax, ugh. Do you like to wear skirts? I don't wear anything that shows my legs. Were you happy as a kid? Yeah. That, talkative, and hyper. Favorite store to browse but not really buy anything? Haha, I LOVE going on MorphMarket now and again to browse the ball pythons especially, but boy if I had the cash and space would I buy like fifty of them at once. I don't really know about a store I like browsing but not buying from. Skittles or Sour Patch Kids? Both are great, but I guess Sour Patch Kids. BUT, if you throw SOUR Skittles in there... then it's a war lol. If tattoos were free, how many would you have? A HELL OF A LOT. I wanna be just about totally painted. Do you wear a retainer at night? Not anymore. I had one, but I stopped using it. Are you afraid of dolls, puppets, or clowns? I'm not a doll person, particularly porcelain ones. When you’re in your room, do you keep the door locked? No. It's not even closed. Do you think your face is mostly symmetrical? Actually no, and I'm self-conscious about it. Stupidest thing you have ever said out loud? OH Christ, I'm not retrospecting on this. What’s your least favourite ice-cream flavour? That I've actually tried, strawberry. It's disgusting. What was the last good news you heard? I got approved for TMS therapy! Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? My friend Lyndsey. How did you meet him/her? World of Warcraft. She's actually my guild master, and she is the sweetest damn person. Have you ever learned any self-defense? If not, would you be interested in learning? I haven't, but yeah, I'd like to. When was the last time you took a nap? How long was it? Yesterday. For some reason, I actually slept a LONG time, like at least three, but probably close to four, hours. I mean I was tired, but I didn't feel THAT tired. Do you like Gushers? YAAAAAAAAAAS What would you do if you could do anything without failing? Actually get a degree for SOMETHING. What is your native language? English. Do you have a younger brother or sister? A younger sister. If so do/did they really get on your nerves? No. We were very close as kids, but we've drifted apart. Now, she absolutely doesn't get on my nerves. I'm so proud of her. Name something that happened to you that was completely unexpected. Uhhh I dunno. Do you judge people that have multiple piercings? Lol wtf? No. Do you watch the Olympics? No. What did you have for breakfast this morning? I had Kix cereal. Do you like orange juice? Yes. So long as it doesn't have pulp in it. Do you think it’s cruel to keep an animal in a cage while you’re away? It depends on the size of the cage as well as how long you're away. Do you have a pet gecko? No, but I'd love a fat-tailed gecko. Are you scared of reptiles? Not at all, I adore them. Is your car messy? I don't have my own car. Mom's kinda is, though. It needs a wash badly, but because of her bumper literally being zip-tied on, she doesn't trust going into a car wash. And neither of us are about to do it manually, lol. Have you ever seen the show 16 and Pregnant? No, fuck that show. Do you buy expensive clothes? No. Does death scare you? Not really. What are your current goals? Conquer my social anxiety, get a job, lose weight, do something to strengthen my legs... Those are the four biggies. Do you clap or cheer when at a concert? I did both at the one I've been to. Do you drink coffee? What brand? No. Do you use a comb or brush? A comb. When you were younger, did you ever do that exclamation point that looked like an upside down triangle and had a really big dot? No. I loved the cutesy girl handwriting though, haha. I just could never do it. You’re locked in a room with the person you last dated, any problems? Well yeah, we're locked in a room lmao. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed? It's perfectly fine, we're best friends. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you get mad when people smoke around you? Yes. Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah, more than once. When was the last time you were on a city bus? Never. Do you have a garden? Does it have flowers, vegetables, or both? No. Where do you want to raise your kids? Who said I even want kids? Have you ever been to Cracker Barrel? Yessssss, good shit. Have you ever seen a ghost? I think I have. Have you ever burned an ant with a magnifying glass? No. Have you ever been to craigslist.com? Yes. Have you ever used Nair? Yes, on my legs. It works, I just have stupidly hairy legs that need so much to get it all. How many tabs do you have open and what are they? Two YouTube tabs and then Tumblr. What browser do you prefer to use? Chrome. What room are you in right now? My bedroom. Are you excited for anything this month? 1.) I get my tattoo on the 19th, and 2.) I start TMS next Wednesday. What language course did you take in school, if any? I barely survived one semester of Latin, then I did all four available German courses. What language would you most like to learn? I'd love to improve my German. What would you like to get a degree in? Photography. What book are you reading, what genre is it and do you like it so far? Wings of Fire: The Brightest Night. It's young adult fantasy, I think. Did you ever sometimes flip through your text books even when you didn’t need to? Yeah, mainly to just look at pictures because I was that bored in class, haha. What types of magazines do you read? None. Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? Play a video game. What’s your current relationship like with the person you lost your virginity to and do you wish it was different? We don't have any relationship anymore. I don't regret losing it to him, if that's what you're asking. If you mean our relationship stance, it'd be nice to still be in touch with him, but I know it wouldn't be healthy for me. Have you ever felt responsible for someone’s death? Pets, yes. No humans. What was the last book you recommended to someone? Idk. What’s the most difficult thing you and your current or last significant other have gone through? Distance was very hard. What’s your best memory with your ex? I'm going to assume this refers to "the ex." In which case, we were "play arguing," and I came storming into the kitchen after him to make a point, and I slid mid-sentence, and he caught me. We just held each other laughing our asses off. It's the simple things, man. Who was the last person that asked to hang out with you and what’s the story of how you met that person? Summer. My little sister and her were in pre-k together and became friends, but I gradually became closer to her than Nicole did when we were teens. Has anyone ever asked you out and you turned them down? Yes. Is there something you generally always ask for help with? Yeah. Like recently I've been having apples and peanut butter a lot, and I ask my mom to cut the apple because I'm terrified of knives. Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh? NOPE. Have you looked at any old photos of yourself lately? No. In a relationship, have you ever been on and off with your partner? No. Do you consider cooking to be an art? Yes. Are you a fast or slow reader? I'd say I read at a moderate pace. Does it take a lot to gross you out? It depends on what it is, but I am actually more squeamish than I used to be.

[bangcrizpychan]

Tainted Daisies | iii. Click!

Chapters: | prologue | i | ii | iii  | iv | v | vi | vii | viii | ix | x | xi | epilogue |

Genre:  psychological thriller, angst, mystery, crime, rich kid!stray kids au, college!au, slow burn

Word count: 2.5k

Ratings: 16+

⚠WARNINGS: graphic gore, violence, blood, character death, mentions of drug usage, swear words

Note: Flashbacks are in italics. Also thank you @mikoto-ica-fics​ for letting me add you in this story as a character, wuv u <3

Tainted Daisies Masterlist

Tag list: @nightshade-minho @mikoto-ica-fics  @momochiiiiiiii@nowimyourdaisies @ravenlilshots @channiesmixtape @skzmnho​ @yutacchin​ @minnieflowers​ @xxbluestrifexx​ @mxxndreams​ @hshhj0620​ @kpopwritist​ (If you want to be added to or removed from the tag list, please let me know).  

You woke up in cold sweat, thirst burned your throat as you hurried towards the refrigerator, knees feeling like jelly. You gulped down the entire glass pitcher as you slowly slid down with your back against the fridge.

Everything seemed like a blur to you, confusion filled your mind as you finally realized that you were back home. You looked at the clock and it read '15:05'.

'Was that all just a dream last night?' You thought.

Your eyes traveled down to your wrists and they widened in horror, red marks that were clearly caused by friction were etched on them. You clutched your head as small pieces of memory started to form in your brain.

----

The feeling of nausea flooded you as you slowly opened your eyes, you wanted to hold your head but your hands seemed to be restricted. You waited for your visions to clear up and you saw that you were at an unfamiliar place, there was a raggedy old bed in the corner, a table next to it, a small television, and a pile of clothes by the door that was ajar. The place was small and the only source of light was the lamp hanging above you.

"You're awake," a raspy voice came from the door and you blinked many times to focus your visions.

A man emerged from the shadows and you felt like a bucket of cold water was poured over you. The clothes he was wearing was the same as the one you glimpsed at yesterday on the busy street, you felt tears trickle down your face as he walked closer, taunting you with every step.

He stepped into the light and you finally saw his face, it had a huge burn mark on the right side, he was smiling at you but he had a missing tooth on the front, although it was his eyes that sent shivers down your spine. It was empty, cold, but most of all, it had  a deranged look in it.

"Why are you crying? You knew that I will be coming for you," he said as he reached out his slender hand and touched your face.

"Please, why are you doing this?" You choked, tears streamed down your face as fear finally took control of your body.

"Oh, you are getting good at this," he said and released a maniacally laugh that echoed all throughout the room.

"Y/n!" your train of thoughts abruptly stopped when you heard your name, you looked at the distance and saw Seungmin, with Jeongin by his side walking towards your way. You quickly turned on your heel and scurried away from them, you thanked the crowd of students that drowned you. It was Saturday but you were required to come back to school for the freshmen orientation and introduction of different clubs and orientation, which made you wonder why they were even here in the first place.

You did not pay any attention to the orientation at all because you mostly found these kind of things tedious, when the president of the university finished giving off his closing remarks, you were instructed to go to the lobby and were encouraged to join clubs and organizations. You have decided to stay for a little while and tried to avoid your friends as much as possible.

As you were strolling around the lobby, taking a look behind you once in awhile, you suddenly bumped into someone and a sound books hitting the floor rang in your ears, you rubbed your head and looked at who you just hit.

"Oh, you're Rei, right?" you said at the girl, as you remmbered her as the one Seungmin mentioned yesterday.

"Um, yeah, and you're the new girl," Rei said, biting her lip and tucking a strand of her brown hair behind her ear.

"You're classmates with Sengmin, right? So that means you're not a freshman," you said as you helped her pick up her books.

"Yeah, we're in charge of the photography club so," she said, looking down, and you noticed that her shy demeanor was the sign that she no longer wanted to have a conversation with you.

You decided to not pry anymore and let her go as you handed her the rest of her books, she trotted away and you thought about checking out some of the other clubs. You felt an arm grab yours which caused you to release a yelp and follow your instincts by pushing the person away.

"Woah, it's just me," Chan raised his hands up in surrender and gave you a toothy grin that showed his dimple. You muttered an apology and took a deep breath to steady yourself.

"Are you avoiding someone?" Chan asked out of the blue which caught you off guard.

"No, why would you say that?"

"You have that look of paranoia written all over your face," he said and you couldn't help but release a laugh because you felt that you really were bad at pretending.

"Chocolate?" Chan offered you a piece and you gladly took it, you looked at Chan and the world seemed to stop around you, the shuffling of people were blurred and your focus was only on Chan.

You realized that you did not really take a good look at him during your conversation with him at Felix's party yesterday, but with him standing only a meter away from you, it was his eyes that caught yours. It was dark, cold, and mysterious, but it only made you crave to know him even more. You caught yourself thinking about how his eyes would ravish you and your cheeks turned crimson red.

"Your face is red, do you have a fever?" Chan asked as he raised his right hand to touch your forehead. You backed away and played with the hem of your shirt while biting your lower lip, you opened your mouth to say something but Jeongin's voice cut you off.

"Hey, Y/n," you looked behind you and immediately looked down, ashamed of what he would probably think because you avoided him and Seungmin the whole afternoon.

"I know you're avoiding us, if we ever did something wrong, I'm sorry for that," Jeongin said and guilt pervaded you.

"No, you didn't--"

"If you're ready to talk, just call us," he continued and showed you that cute smile you like so much. Jeongin was like a baby brother that you never had and hurting him in any way pains you as well.

"I'm sorry, I promise I'll explain it," you said and rubbed his arm as a sign of comfort, he nodded in response. You looked through the glass walls of the university and you noticed that it was already dark.

"Are you heading home?" You asked Jeongin just before he was about to turn his back from you.

"No, Seungmin and I are going with Rei to meet a reporter, she have to describe what she saw that night."

"Oh, I bumped into her earlier, I guess I'll see you on Monday," you said and the both of you bid each other goodbye.

"If only I know where to find her though," Jeongin whispered to himself as he continued his search for his friend.

"Why are you avoiding them?" Chan's question surprised you, you have forgotten he was there with you.

"I am going to kill you, Y/n, but not now. I still need you to restore everything that I have lost," your captor said.

"I-I don't know w-what you're t-talking about," you cried, struggling to get out of the ropes that were tied around your wrists.

"Don't even fucking try, you bitch! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!" He bellowed and threw a bottle against the wall which earned a shriek from you.

Your captor grabbed a knife from the nearby table and brought it over your face, the cold metal touching your cheek, he slid it down, and stopping at the crook of your neck.

"I am going to kill you in the most horrendous way possible," he taunted, pushing the knife a little deeper in your skin, nipping it. A thick red fluid flowed out from the new formed wound, making you hiss.

"And I will start by destroying those you hold dear," your captor finished before releasing a baleful laugh.

"Oh, it's nothing," you said, shaking off the memory and taking the last piece of chocolate from Chan. The both of you decided to call it a night and went on your separate ways.

---------

A cold breeze made Tanaka Rei shiver as she pulled her sweater closer in hopes of it keeping her body warm. Wisps of of silver grey smoke curled their way through the hazy air as it escaped the mouth of the young woman. Rei released a chuckle, imagining what everyone would think if they found out that the quiet girl in class smokes the hell out of her lungs.

She watched the city lights blare like fireflies, being on the rooftop at the extension building offered her some sort of comfort that she never found in anyone else. Rei dropped the remains of her cigarette and crushed it beneath her foot, smiling to herself before deciding to meet with Seungmin and Jeongin.

She turned away from the railings and was met with a pair of eyes, before she could react, Rei felt her body being thrown to the side. Blood spurted out her elbow as the skin scraped off as she hit the ground; she hissed as she held her elbow to her chest, checking her wound.

"Why the fuck would you do that?!" She screamed at the figure in front of her, the moon was the only source of light and no matter how hard she squinted, she could not figure out who her attacker was.

The attacker slipped their glove-covered hands to their bag, pulled out a razor-sharp knife, and walked towards Rei's defeated state with a cackle.

"No!! Please... I don't want to die," Rei pleaded as her attacker mounted themselves on top of her.

The knife plunged into her chest, causing her to scream out in pain as she tried to pry the attacker off of her. The sharp instrument met Rei's soft and pudgy flesh, again and again, making a satisfying squish as the knife went deeper into her skin. Thick blood flowed freely from her gaping holes, her whole body trembled, blood coming out of her mouth as tears streamed down her pale face. She saw what the secretary had seen that night; the same bloodlust filled eyes before her chest became as still as a monument and met her own demise.

"Hey! you have reached Rei, I'm busy at the moment so please leave a message after the tone," a beep followed the recorded message, causing Seungmin to grunt.

"Where are you? The reporter is waiting for us at the cafe, call me back." Seungmin slipped the phone back into his pocket and  started playing with his camera.

Seungmin sent Jeongin first to the cafe so he can entertain the reporter. The presidents of each club were almost finished packing their stuff which made Seungmin realize that it was already late. An empty can rolled to his feet and he quickly picked it up, he held it and went to give it to the janitor when a thought popped into his head.

"The extension building!" Seungmin said, dropping the can into the trolley, before sprinting his way towards the said building.

When he reached the door to the rooftop, his chest was heaving up and down from being out of breath. He swung the door open and was about to call out his friend's name when he saw something moving in a distance. Darkness filled the place and the moonlight did not really help his sense of vision, he walked closely towards it and the sounds of squishing filled his ears. As he got nearer to the object, the sound became louder and he could finally make out that the thing were two persons. His shaking hands reached to the camera that was hung around his neck, he pulled it up and snapped a picture.

*Click*

A flash filled the empty rooftop and the lifeless body of his friend was on the cold floor, her own blood making a puddle around her. 

*Click*

His eyes shifted the person who had their back against him, who had stopped with their bloody activity and slowly stood up to face Seungmin.

A series of clicks and flashes emitted from his camera as he backed away when he saw the attacker's face. Seungmin turned his heel and prepared himself to sprint for his life when a sharp metal jerked all the way into his back, he dropped to the ground, face first, and screamed in pain as the attacker pulled out the knife. He took this chance to kick the murderer which caused them to stumble backwards.

Seungmin fumbled with his camera and before he could stand up, the assailant grabbed his leg and he fell again, hitting his nose against the floor, the tang of his own blood filled his nostrils. He turned around and the attacker immediately straddled him, with knife raised to the air, ready to strike.

"Please, stop..." Seungmin pleaded as his eyes became blurry from his own tears.

He let out a guttural chokes mixed with an agonized cry as the razor teared his skin, he could see the shiny metal disappeared inside him and the black handle pushed against his broken skin. He felt the attacker's gloved hands grab his head and banged it against the ground while they released an animalistic roar that became muffled sounds to Seungmin as his  head was being repeatedly thudded on the cold stone.  

The banging stopped and all he heard was the sound of his camera hitting the ground,and its pieces scattering all over the place. Seungmin felt his consciousness slip in and out, the last thing he heard were the sound of sirens before darkness took over him.

-------

"Two people were stabbed at the rooftop of Yellow Wood University! And one of them was our key witness!" The chief of police yelled, sat down, and rubbed his temple.

"This damn serial killer is on the loose and we still don't have a single lead!" He continued as the young cadet, Changbin, stirred the cup of coffee and laid it down on the chief's desk.

"I'm sure we'll get something soon, Chief," Changbin said, fixing his uniform.

"One of the victims had a camera with him, I already had it sent to the forensics team," a woman's voice drew the attention of the officers.

She had her dark brown hair on a tight bun that showed off her physical features well, most importantly; her striking blue eyes.

"There you are, Mica!" Changbin said, giving the woman’s huge smile.

"That's Detective Lee to you, Cadet Seo," she said while rolling her eyes at the young man.

"Well, at least there's good news, thank you, Detective," the chief said and took a sip from his coffee.

"Just doing my job, Chief Wang,"

"Would you like a cup of coffee?" Changbin offered to which the detective politely declined. The YWPD became busier as the night progressed, trying to figure out who is behind of all of these manslaughter.

A person took off their bloody garments and gloves, leaving them naked and covered with blood that had become brown and dry. They put it inside a bag to which they intend to burn later, and stared at the mirror with a menacing grin etched on their face.

"It has begun."

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

An Ephemeral Eternity in Seven Parts - Steve Rogers x Reader.

MASTERLIST Warnings: Gifs aren’t mine. My English. Word Count~ 2.7k PART I PART II

Everywhere she looked she would see familiar faces but not quite known. She was always in a haze that blocked her from being herself... Well, not that she knew who that was. Starring out of her window and into the city, she realized how small she was, just a dot in an evergreen universe that expanded beyond her wildest fantasies. Maybe life wasn't for everyone she thought. Maybe she was failing it because she didn't know how to do it. How to function.  Since she could remember, discipline, austerity, punctuality, precision and discretion were all she was taught. Over and over again.  Back when HYDRA was being supplied women by Madam B., she had gained a lot of attention. Madam B. had seen potential and she insisted on ballet lessons. At first, she thought that ballet would be a way to exit everything but she soon realized that while indeed taking ballet classes she was been taught how to kill with the exact same moves. In the past couple of months, somewhere between Ultron and Rumlow, her fractured memories were falling to place, revealing all that horror of a past.   An especially bad memory, that had been followed by many others, was unfolding in front of her eyes while she was asleep. She faced her first victim. Murdered a young girl while being one. Courtesy of Madam B. She shot awake and run to Natasha, not even caring about the time. Sooner rather than later many of her victims showed their faces, each leaving her without breath. She had killed a lot of people. A lot of innocent people. And no matter how much she would try to redeem those actions, she was never going to be able go forgive herself. She had hit another level of desperation. She was no goddess. Maybe a monster, a lying one.   Of course it was doomed to end cruelly, why would she expect anything but? He was the sun, the God of everything good and pure. Gods were simply tragedies waiting to happen to people like her. She had realized that all the dark tales are true, that when sinners like her loved Gods, all that was left was their abyss and the burning embers of themselves. She closed her eyes and left the view from her not being able to look at it any longer.  Tiptoeing across the compound, trying to be as soundless as possible, she walked pass his room, the temptation much greater than her common sense, as she heard muffled words.   "I could already see it in the quick flash before she turned away onto that empty sidewalk yesterday. She always looked like she had learned how to handle herself a long time ago, but in the way children are forced to grow up too fast. She had always seemed so unwilling to show weakness, but I could see the tears that were waiting to fall and the kind of sadness that was so apparent despite her attempts to hide it and the kind of exhaustion that tells me that maybe she had just given up.  After so long, I still wish I had asked her how she felt. I hope she knew that I wanted her safe, that I cared. That I still do" Steve was whispering to someone, who did not answer. Her mind played games, making her hope for something only to have her be a wrecked mess later on. He would never talk about her like that, he would never feel like that for her. The truth was, she had already decided her future was going to be a mirror of her past, dark, cold and lonely. She never really gave herself a chance. How could she?   She forced her legs to move and take her away from there. Waltzing in the huge kitchen without turning any lights on, she reached for the top self of the cupboard above the oven. She enjoyed the darkness better; it was reflecting parts of herself that no one could ever see. She grabbed a shot glass and poured the vodka she found, downing it immediately to numb the frostbiting cold that grew inside her. She repeated that a couple more times than necessary. Anything was better than being in pain. She took out her tabacco smoke, filters and rolling papers and treated herself with a cigarette, lighting it up, inhaling the rich texture, downing the smoke and exhaling it.  "You shouldn't be drinking or smoking. You should be sleeping" his softly reprimanding voice startled her. She turned on the dim light above the oven, just so she could she him. There was moonlight in his eyes and stars that rested upon his lips. Constellations that fell for him after the sunlight dipped.   "It’s nights like these that are the worst; when I can’t sleep no matter how tired I feel and there are all these thoughts eating me up, wondering if I’ll ever be enough for someone to love, after all the things I've done" she finally admitted. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the smoke, maybe it was the late night hour. He was taken aback by her brutally honest answer. He ran his hands through his golden locks and she could only guess how soft they felt.   "You don’t owe anyone an apology but yourself. You have to let go" he said, stepping closer to her. He was tired, that much was obvious. But she was tired too. Pretending to be the girl they thought she was, trying to be better for him... She wasn't the little sunshine Sharon was. She was dark, broken and stained for life. She locked her eyes with his.  "Have you?" she blatantly asked him, already knowing the answer. He was still looking at her, eyes darting from her for a mere second, enough for them to understand each other. He took the bottle of vodka and placed it back in the cupboard above their heads while he put her cigarette out.  "You should rest. We have a long day ahead of us" he tenderly said. She smiled in a melancholic way.  "You shouldn't talk like that. Someone might think that you do care about me" she commented sorrowfully. He was caught by surprise but didn't fail to see her eyes looking at his intensely like they were waiting for a coherent answer. He sighted, defeated.   "That's the thing, doll. I do care about you" he breathed out with his eyes darting to her lips and back to her eyes. She nodded a bit heartbroken but she asked anyway.  "Then promise me that at some point you're gonna hold me in a way that will make all those broken pieces stick together again". And in that moment she let him see how damaged she was but he didn't turn away. She decided it was time to let him be and maybe even get a decent hour of sleep.   "Goodnight Steve" she bid him and walked away, leaving him completely stunned. He knew though, he would keep that promise no matter what. 

It had been all over the news. The Avengers had failed. Too many casualties. "Our people's blood is spilled on foreign soil. Not only because of the actions of criminals, but by the indifference of those pledged to stop them. Victory at the expense of the innocent, is no victory at all" the King of Wakanda said. She rolled her eyes at his statement. Wanda was the one who was affected the most. She had literally locked herself in her room watching the reporters repeating themselves. She had to hand it to them, they were excellent creating guilty consciousness. She wasn't shocked nor questioning her abilities. She was aware that every battle was going to have casualties, they weren't perfect but they were the closest thing this earth had to protectors. Since the moment her powers unlocked, she had become unstoppable.  She was indeed an Enhanced individual thanks to all those experiments, she had gained control over nature, she could manipulate the human mind and she was strong enough to send Captain America flying across the room with a single kick. Knowing that she was powerful enough to help everyone who wasn't made her throw herself in the game without even thinking about it. It was her obligation. Slowly but surely, he noticed the changes - they were small at first but they grew to be spectacular. He was impressed and inspired by her. She was about to enter Wanda's room when she heard his voice and halted.  "Rumlow said "Bucky" and . . . all of a sudden I was a 16-year-old kid again, in Brooklyn" he said defeated. She noticed that they were sitting next to each other and her heart squeezed.   "And people died. It's on me" he concluded but Wanda disagreed.  "It's on both of us" she told him. That was when she decided to step in and stop being jealous from the door frame.   "This job . . . we try to save as many people as we can. Sometimes that doesn't mean everybody. But if we can't find a way to live with that, next time . . . maybe nobody gets saved" he tried to reason with her.  "I didn’t know before that hope could be a person but that's exactly what we are doing Wanda. It's not on you. It's not on us. It's on those reporters trying to get to our heads. Don't let 'em" she said certain of her truth, which made Steve look at her in a new found admiration. If she had hope, no one had the right to give up he thought. Vision materialized out of thin air, startling them.  "Vis! We talked about this" Wanda softly reprimanded him, but there was something more to it, she could tell.   "Yes, but the door was open so I assumed that . . ." Vision trailed off as he gestured at the door.   "Captain Rogers wished to know when Mr. Stark was arriving" he continued, giving Wanda a sad look.   "Thank you. We'll be right down" he told him as he made his way to her.  "I'll . . . use the door. Oh, and apparently, he's brought a guest" Vision informed them and she knew that Tony was up to no good. She could sense something was off.   "Who did my father dragged into this time?" she sarcastically asked as she realized all eyes were on her.  "The Secretary of State". Fuck. She looked at Steve worried. It wasn't going to end well. Not even a chance. She chuckled darkly and turned hot on her heels. ...  "For the past four years, you've operated with unlimited power and no supervision. That's an arrangement the governments of the world can no longer tolerate. But I think we have a solution" Ross sternly told them as he placed a thick document on the desk and passed to Wanda. She picked it up but immediately passed it to her enhanced friend.  "The Sokovia Accords. Approved by 117 countries . . . it states that the Avengers shall no longer be a private organization. Instead, they'll operate under the supervision of a United Nations panel, only when and if that panel deems it necessary" Ross pointed out.   "The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place. I feel we've done that" Steve cut through his lies. He looked up and met her eyes, fierce and unforgiving to her father. He thought she would feel trapped but she had never made a decision with more ease in her life.   "Tell me, Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now?" Secretary Ross pushed back as she met his eyes and soft purple sparks flew from her fingers in anger, something that Steve saw and softly took her hand in his.   "If I misplaced a couple of 30 megaton nukes . . . you can bet there'd be consequences. Compromise. Reassurance. That's how the world works. Believe me, this is the middle ground" he continued without the slightest idea of how angry she was. And how dangerous.   "So, there are contingencies" James came to the same conclusion they had.  "Three days from now, the UN meets in Vienna to ratify the Accords" Ross told them and she glared daggers at Tony. He knew she was stubborn but he hoped she would side with him. She stood up abruptly and left the room. She was suffocating.

"Tony. You are being uncharacteristically non-hyper-verbal" Natasha commented dryly.   "It's because he's already made up his mind" Steve attacked back.   "Boy, you know me so well" he ironically told him off as he got up, rubbing the back of his head. He placed his phone in a basket and tapped it, a young man appearing.   "Oh, that's Charles Spencer, by the way. He's a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA. Had a floor level gig at Intel planned for the fall. But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul, before he parked it behind a desk. See the world. Maybe be of service. Charlie didn't want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do. He didn't go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor. Guess where, Sokovia. He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. I mean, we won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass. There's no decision-making process here. We need to be put in check! Whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept limitations, if we're boundary-less, we're no better than the bad guys." he felt the headache affecting his speech and he downed a pill with some coffee. She tuned out as they went on discussing and fighting. Her world was crumbling down one more time. She had grown tired of rebuilding her life every few years.   "So are you in my side? Cause if you're not... you can't stay here" he finally asked her, thinking that pressure was the best method. She closed her eyes for a moment and let go.  "Okay, fine. You wanna play dad to this kid? Go ahead. Be my guest. But let me tell you, dad, the monster beneath my bed was the monster called Childhood. It was ugly and hungry, just like me. I can remember the taste of nightmares. They are still on my tongue. I wasn’t prepared for this; blurry, swirly images of a world with an appetite for innocence. They were supposed to keep me safe, but instead they chewed me up and spat me out. I met evil when I was just a child. Pick a color, then a number, and I’ll tell you your future. Did I survive? I’m not sure. In the mirror, I see a half-formed creature. Shh. The knots in the wood beneath the kitchen table looked like screaming faces. I can’t remember the last time a house felt like a home. And now this. Tony, this not about you. It's about me, about my ideas and my beliefs. I am not siding against you to punish you. I am simply standing my ground. And if that means you don't want me to live here anymore... that's okay too. I don't have a shield or a suite to put down and stand back. I am the shield, I am the suite. I am not going to place myself in their disposal" she went on and on, making everyone look at her in a new light. She gave him a smile, a sad one and nodded as she realized.  "Bye dad" she whispered and left the room to pack a bag with few of her things. She would manage.   "I have to go" she heard him say but she knew she wasn't the one he was going after. After all, she had those damn powers. She knew a bit more than she ever let on. 

Taglist: @accio-rogers​ @coffee-with-orion​ @moli1497​

[charlotte-sloane-writes]

1 - A Wicked Little Thing

It’s finally here! Chapter 1 of this Zatanna Zatara x John Constantine fic has killed me for nearly a year. If you love it as much as I do, please reblog and comment. If you want to be added to the tags then send me a message, reblog, comment, just let me know! The chapter is under the cut, the taglist at the very end. Much love, Charlie.

“Anna,” Buddy called over to the young woman dressed in yesterday’s work uniform.

“Hm?” Anna turned her head and brushed out the earbud nestled to the side of her head, flicking a few strands of her black hair behind her to size up her boss who decided whatever he was about to say was more important than ‘We Will Rock You’ on its 3rd consecutive play.

Buddy recentered his balance on one hip and tilted his chin up, an unkempt not-quite salt-and-pepper eyebrow raised as he asked, “That thing ever run out of battery?”

“Trust me, Buddy, you’d know if it did.” Anna flashed him a saccharine smile and shoved the earbud back into her brain, moving on to the next room that needed cleaning, her cleaning cart’s loose wheel squeaking for mercy unheard over Anna’s playlist. 

Buddy scoffed behind her back, another attempt to connect with the twenty-something-year-old failed rather spectacularly on his end. He shoved the tickets to the local college’s ‘Battle of the Bands’ show back into his pocket and whistled to make himself feel like the exchange was done in total nonchalance with zero premeditation. Lifting his ‘Lagheur’ watch to his chest, he noticed the ticking needles of the ripoff luxury watch in a slight delay, taking maybe a half time longer than an actual second. Buddy once saw a movie where this happened to show time slowing down. He couldn’t place the actual scene anywhere, but it seemed funny enough to him that the science fiction promises of his childhood were echoed through the cheap realities of his adulthood. 

“Regina,” Buddy threw over his shoulder an aging rainjacket, once clear now yellowing around folds and stitches. Regina at the counter, a recent retiree with all the looks to take to Boca Raton but none of the self-awareness to stop working looked up at her boss from the dusty concierge seat. 

“Boss?”

“I’m out for a smoke, I’ll be back in ten. Anyone calls for me, take a message.”

“Sure, sure, if anyone calls.” Regina looked down at the answering machine behind her counter, fixing her coke-bottle glasses back up on the ridge of her boney nose. It was new twenty years ago when she last checked in at the hotel, sleepy and dazed children in tow, asking where their mother was. She’d never seen the light even flicker on that machine. 

Buddy walked across the populated lounge, tourists, and locals alike crowding the hotel to get out of the rain and have a drink. Some of them might get rooms by the look of it, though none seemed too eager to book one. Unlit cigarette stuck between his teeth, Buddy pulled his cap up over his head and walked out onto the back terrace. On stiller nights, the courtyard was a beautiful display of soft city nature and twinkling lights. Hopefully, he thought to himself, Anna will have remembered to cover up the sound system speakers hidden in some of the bushes. He wasn’t ready to shell out another grand to replace them. 

The lighter Buddy took out from his jacket pocket should’ve been replaced a week and a half ago. Swishing lighter fluid gradually making a crack in the plastic casing just a little wider didn’t bode well for Buddy’s innate flammability. The wrong swipe of a finger while lighting his cigarette opened up his thumb and Buddy- as he took the first draw of his cigarette- watched blood prick up from the fat pad of his digit, little globes of red sprouting along a visceral ley line down to the crux of the first joint. He’ll have to remind himself to throw this lighter out and get a new one when he gets the chance again. 

“You know,” He spoke to himself, more than aware he was alone on the creaky back patio “this place used to be the gem of Palo Alto, before Jobs and Wozniak, Amazon and Google. This place...I sound like my great grandfather. How did that happen?” Buddy scoffed and took a step forward, leaning against a beam at the top of the small stairs giving way to the waterlogged marsh of a luncheon garden. Before he could even take notice, the roaring gutter above his head flipped on itself, bringing forth a cascade of rainwater and grime down onto Buddy’s head. He didn’t even have it in him to curse. He just shook his head, bit the inside of his lip raw and flicked his dead cigarette into the rain.

__________

John Constantine wasn’t often seen in the kitchen for actual food, an old tome tucked under his arm with blue lettering of an ancient language only slightly obscured by the wrinkled sleeve of his dress shirt.

“Woah, careful, Johnny. You need help?” A young and dashing mop of black hair named Behrad Tomaz bounded into the kitchen with open arms.

John slightly wavered, eyes darting around as his cheeks reddened. He cleared his throat “I’m fine-,”

“-Dude,” Behrad took the wine bottle Constantine had been balancing on a multi-sectioned plate of what looked like saltine crackers, a hard-boiled egg, some fresh smelling garnishes, a small cup of applesauce, a mug of brothy soup with something bobbing in it, and a jar with pieces of fish floating around it. “I’m impressed you got this far with all this stuff.” Behrad looked at the wine label, wanting to discern a year but couldn’t read the letters on the label. He shook it off, blaming his dyslexia for the mess of shapes on the label “You heading to your room with this stuff?”

“Yeah.” John nodded, quieter than usual as he gave Behrad the gefilte fish jar and placed the plastic cup he had taken upside down on to the neck of the wine bottle.

“This stuff looks good.” Behrad looked over at John’s plate as they walked down the austere corridors of the Waverider, immune to the shock of the odd clicks and clangs.

“You don’t have to lie.” John scoffed a laugh, biting his top lip.

“Is it for a spell?” “Not really.”

“Munchies?” John turned to face Behrad, those innocent puppy dog eyes peering over John’s exclusively hard stare. “Thanks for helping me, mate. Cheers.” He managed to balance everything back into his arms and moved into his room, locking the door behind him.

Behrad stood there, perhaps a little too perplexed for his own good “Have a good time!” He called out, making his way back to the kitchen.

Sara Lance wasn’t expecting to have to get into John Constantine’s business again, but the idea of the mage acting shifty didn’t sit very well with The Captain. “What was that?” She asked Behrad, intercepting him before he reached the kitchen.

“What was what?” Behrad shrugged, crossing his arms with a dopey smile “I was just helping John get his food to his room.” “Uh huh.” Sara’s light blue eyes narrowed, nodding along with Behrad “What was he carrying?”

“I don’t know. Some fish, crackers, wine. Had this old book under his arm. You know John, can’t read if it’s not totally silent. He must’ve gotten hungry.”

“Yeah.” Sara nodded, the truth dawning on her with a small, easy smile “Okay, let’s make sure to leave him alone today. He’s clearly got something important to do.”

John took his time lighting every candle he had in his room, turning the lights off and letting the little flickering flames set just the right reverential mood he was feeling. There was stirring between his ribs. He got the feeling every time he took out the Haggadah. Opening the musty book brought back memories, ones he kept reenacting every Pessach. As beautiful as the book was, ancient binding and intricate hand-printed text, it would never replace the one he found when he was twelve in his father’s attic. He remembered climbing up the cobwebbed ladder, his older sister whispering a word of caution behind him. Cheryl never really understood it, why he climbed that ladder. She never understood why he would intentionally lock himself up there for hours among the beetles and dead pigeons. Among that pestilence and dust was a box marked ‘Mary Anne - Beth-Tikvah, LON’ in big block letters. When John’s father, a big burly man whose accent was the only thing thicker than his eyebrows, found him wearing his great uncle’s kippah with the edges clumsily touching his brow while he read his mother’s old ‘Elementary Hebrew’ workbook, tracing the lines of his mother’s juvenile scripture, Thomas left welts on the young boy’s thighs that didn’t abate until the next month. 

Thomas had thought he’d burned everything in that box that very day. He didn’t suspect or know to look for a pocketbook the size of a theater playbook, with flimsy blue binding and doubled text in every page. One side in English, the other in Hebrew. The one thing John managed to keep from that little book was the page-marker. A picture of his mother at her younger brother’s Bar Mitzvah. She looked to be about 16 years-old with boundless ringlets in her hair and a face-splitting grin. John felt it in his throat every time he looked down at that picture. He’d sob repeatedly, from the chest out, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He’d bang his fists, palm-upwards, towards his head as he let the remorse of a stolen childhood shudder his lungs with a force only a soul in desperate need of rest could offer. 

“Hi, mum.” John now whispered, taking the bookmark out of his over-compensatory Haggadah, letting it rest against two candlestick pillars. “Thought I’d read to you out loud this time.” His voice felt raw and crackling on his tongue like those lungs on anti-smoking adverts. “Happy Passover.”

Taglist: @golden-rosezz​ @smol-flower-kiddo​ @beepbeepyabitch @angel-hunter-winchester​ @groovinomicon​ @zatara-zatannas​ @fandomneeds​ @interstellarflare​ @eliotsbambimargo​ @aliypop​ @themanthemyth-thelegend​ @superrezzy00​ @fanficy-imagines​ @toomanystoriestoolittletime @starsscribble​ @addicted-to-dc​ @arkhamsdarkestknight​ @narnian-neverlander​ @thefastarrow​ @tgwltw​ @theliveshipparagon​ @deirdre-queen​ @writing-doesnt-discriminate​  @a-really-bi-girl​ @interstellarflare​ @soarocks​ 

[motherfucker-somewhat-limited]

1: Name

Sarah

2: Age

23

3: Fears

Everything, I have anxiety

4: 3 things I love

Dogs, weird movies, sunsets over water

5: 4 turns on

Long hair, facial piercings, good sense of humor, back muscles

6: 4 turns off

Poor hygiene, rude to service workers, adults who are still obsessed with Disney to the point where they make it a personality trait, Trump supporters (or the equivalent in other countries)

7: My best friend

@wanderingwondererofthings

8: Sexual orientation

Bi? I think? IDK not straight tho

9: My best first date

I’ve only ever been on one date in my life and the dude ghosted me afterward which turned out to be a blessing bc it was not a good time in my life to try to start a relationship

10: How tall am I

5′2″

11: What do I miss

Mental stability

12: What time were I born

3:45 am or thereabouts

13: Favourite color

black

14: Do I have a crush

celebrity crushes but I don’t really count those

15: Favourite quote

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

16: Favourite place

bundled up under a heap of blankets by myself in a dark room with good snacks and a good book/movie

17: Favourite food

chocolate

18: Do I use sarcasm

do i

19: What am I listening to right now

my housemate doing laundry

20: First thing I notice in new person

what they’re wearing

21: Shoe size

womens 7

22: Eye color

brown

23: Hair color

brown

24: Favourite style of clothing

love that goth shit

25: Ever done a prank call?

not that i can remember

26: Meaning behind my URL

adam darski’s true form

27: Favourite movie

Ink (2009) dir. jamin winans

28: Favourite song

UHHHHHHHHHHH

29: Favourite band

Eluveitie

30: How I feel right now

like shit lol

31: Someone I love

My friends

32: My current relationship status

single

33: My relationship with my parents

it’s good and i’m very grateful

34: Favourite holiday

the day after halloween when all the candy goes on sale

35: Tattoos and piercing I have

none

36: Tattoos and piercings I want

seriously considering getting my eyebrow pierced soon. if I ever cut my hair short i’ll pierce my ears

37: The reason I joined Tumblr

to follow an art blog that made amazing JTHM fan art

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

what ex

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yeah from my mom

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yeah it was my mom

41: When did I last hold hands?

yesterday with my grandma

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

takes me well over an hour to actually get up but then like 3o minutes tops

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

no

44: Where am I right now?

in my room

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

i’ve never been that drunk because i hate hangovers

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

reasonable level unless i’m at a concert

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

not anymore

48: Am I excited for anything?

sexy eggman is coming to san francisco

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

no

50: How often do I wear a fake smile?

basically whenever i have to talk to strangers

51: When was the last time I hugged someone?

yesterday

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

my mom is allowed to kiss other people it’s okay

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

i don’t think so?

54: What is something I disliked about today?

i’m tired of being tired

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

my soulmate

56: What do I think about most?

spirals of existential dread

57: What’s my strangest talent?

I have no talents lol

58: Do I have any strange phobias?

going down stairs. i’m fine going up them but going down them freaks me out

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

depends on my mood and whether or not i’m ugly that day

60: What was the last lie I told?

“I’m okay”

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

In person or don’t fucking talk to me

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes

63: Do I believe in magic?

idk. i believe there’s things that happen that we can’t explain yet so maybe that’s magic

64: Do I believe in luck?

i believe in good chances

65: What’s the weather like right now?

dark

66: What was the last book I’ve read?

The Habitation of the Blessed by Catherynne Valente

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

yes as long as i don’t have a headache or stomachache

68: Do I have any nicknames?

just dumb shit my mom calls me

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

worst acute injury was the time i tripped onto an outdoor heater in kindergarten and burned the shit out of my hand. i also have a stress fracture in my spine that will never heal from gymnastics but that happened over a matter of years

70: Do I spend money or save it?

i try to save but i spend a little too much

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

with a tongue? yes. with my tongue? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

my fluffy pillow

73: Favourite animal?

take a wild fucking guess

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

trying unsuccessfully to sleep

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

Columbus

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

That Time of the Month by Harley Poe

77: How can you win my heart?

be a dog

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

ceci n’est pas un corps

79: What is my favorite word?

sussuration or cathedral

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

this is the internet equivalent of the judgment of paris

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

eat the rich

82: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not currently

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

shapeshifting bitch

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

i’ll say anything on the internet i don’t give a shit

85: What is my current desktop picture?

86: Had sex?

no

87: Bought condoms?

no

88: Gotten pregnant?

no

89: Failed a class?

yeah, fuck ochem

90: Kissed a boy?

no

91: Kissed a girl?

 no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

no

93: Had job?

i’ve got one right now

94: Left the house without my wallet?

yeah lol

95: Bullied someone on the internet?

no

96: Had sex in public?

no

97: Played on a sports team?

i ran track for a couple years as a kid

98: Smoked weed?

yup

99: Did drugs?

no

100: Smoked cigarettes?

ew no

101: Drank alcohol?

yuppers

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

no

103: Been overweight?

no

104: Been underweight?

yes

105: Been to a wedding?

yes

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

only 5?

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

only 5??

108: Been outside my home country?

yes

109: Gotten my heart broken?

yes but not romantically

110: Been to a professional sports game?

many

111: Broken a bone?

nope

112: Cut myself?

not on purpose

113: Been to prom?

yeah and it sucked and i wish i hadn’t gone

114: Been in airplane?

yes

115: Fly by helicopter?

no but I want to

116: What concerts have I been to?

a multitude

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yeah lol

118: Learned another language?

can I give this one a half a yes?

119: Wore make up?

yup

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no

121: Had oral sex?

no

122: Dyed my hair?

yes

123: Voted in a presidential election?

yes

124: Rode in an ambulance?

no

125: Had a surgery?

do wisdom teeth count?

126: Met someone famous?

yup, holla atcha doug jones

127: Stalked someone on a social network?

no, i don’t care that much

128: Peed outside?

who hasn’t?

129: Been fishing?

no

130: Helped with charity?

i’ve donated some money

131: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah but a) I never actually asked him out, b) we were 12, and c) turns out he’s gay so like i’m not made about it

132: Broken a mirror?

no

133: What do I want for birthday?

a new laptop

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

why would i want kids

135: Was I named after anyone?

my great uncle and great grandmother

136: Do I like my handwriting?

i have no opinion on it

137: What was my favourite toy as a child?

legos or something similar you can build with

138: Favourite Tv Show?

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

139: Where do I want to live when older?

somewhere near the ocean

140: Play any musical instrument?

i wish

141: One of my scars, how did I get it?

i only have acne scars and those are pretty self-explanatory

142: Favourite pizza toping?

sausage, bell pepper, and onion

143: Am I afraid of the dark?

no

144: Am I afraid of heights?

sometimes

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

no, i’m a good girl

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end

yeah, FUCK OCHEM

147: What I’m really bad at

being a functioning human adult person

148: What my greatest achievments are

not killing myself in college

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

idk man i get upset by everything even when it’s not mean

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

pay off my friends’ and family’s debts, set aside a big chunk of money for grad school, maybe get my own place depending on how much is left

151: What do I like about myself

i have nice hair

152: My closest Tumblr friend

idk

153: Something I fantasise about

what don’t i fantasize about

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?

hey demons come and get y’all juice

[radiator-lady]

I’m doing it again and you can’t stop me 

1: Name: Mads

2: Age: 24

3: 3 Fears: A painful death, losing a loved one, heights

7: My best friend: Sarah<3

8: Sexual orientation: bisexual

9: My best first date: With my husband, we saw unfriended, got thai food, and got drunk in the park

10: How tall am I: 5′9

11: What do I miss: not being so fucking scared all of the time

12: What time were I born: noon apparently

13: Favorite color: mustard, black, grey

14: Do I have a crush: hubs

16: Favorite place: The forest by my old house I used to take my boyfriends, the park by my current house

17: Favorite food: pad see ew

19: What am I listening to right now: Just Like My by Homeshake

20: First thing I notice in new person: the way they talk?

21: Shoe size: 9 1/2 or 10

22: Eye color: dark greyish blue

23: Hair color: idk anymore, dyed brown over a magenta so it’s a reddish brown

24: Favorite style of clothing: slutty quirky edgy couch potato

25: Ever done a prank call? no too scare!

27: Meaning behind my URL: in heavennnnn everything is fiiiiine

28: Favorite movie: esotsm and it’s such a beautiful day

29: Favorite song: all I can think of right now is forced motion by pinback

30: Favorite band: pinback, tame impala, death grips, homeshake, etc

31: How I feel right now: hongry

32: Someone I love: my dad?

33: My current relationship status: spoused up

34: My relationship with my parents: love those guys

35: Favorite holiday: new years

36: Tattoos and piercing i have: four lobes, two cartilage, nipples, naval, vertical labret, septum, bart simpson on my shin, coffin on my thigh, lotus flower on my hip, barbed wire between boobs, symbols for the planets in the solar system on my bicep, smiley face by pluto, ouroboros around forearm, ufo on ass

37: Tattoos and piercing i want: burning church on back, ‘this is temporary’ on wrist 

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: my ex told me I couldn’t and he dumped me, so 

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I love him he probably still loves me too 

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? awwwww! no 

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? yeeees

42: When did I last hold hands? this mornin

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? two hours

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? yesterday

45: Where am I right now? bed

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? ma in law

49: Am I excited for anything? no

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? hubs

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? i work in retail

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? morn

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I’d be like hey buddy you better listen here 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? yes.

55: What is something I disliked about today? Had a panic attack helping a crustomer 

57: What do I think about most? death! I’m that bitch. And embarrassing things I’ve done. And driving. 

58: What’s my strangest talent? bendy

59: Do I have any strange phobias? hole clusters and loud chewing and movie rental stores 

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? bleh

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes double yes

64: Do I believe in magic? meh? I’ve tried it 

65: Do I believe in luck? no

66: What’s the weather like right now? a bit nippy

67: What was the last book I’ve read? dude and the zen master 

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? no comment 

69: Do I have any nicknames? Mads, bump, maddie

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? just a broken leg

71: Do I spend money or save it? both 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? i win the award for world’s shortest tongue I stg

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yee a slinky 

74: Favorite animal? pigeon 

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? sleep

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Lil fang by Avey Tare 

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? oh worm?

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? no?

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? The power to resist eating animal products

86: What is my current desktop picture? bill from it’s such a beautiful day

87: Had sex? suck a dick and sell drugs 

88: Bought condoms? my first bf used to steal them

89: Gotten pregnant? pass

90: Failed a class? no

91: Kissed a boy? ew but yeah

92: Kissed a girl? yeah

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? i think?

94: Had job? lol

95: Left the house without my wallet? i keep my ID and debit card in my boob

96: Bullied someone on the internet? bully is a harsh word but they deserved it 

97: Had sex in public? at night;)

98: Played on a sports team? i can’t do sports 

99: Smoked weed? hated it!

100: Did drugs? not happy about it!

101: Smoked cigarettes? now i just vape

102: Drank alcohol? now i want a drink:/

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? trying!

104: Been overweight? ya

105: Been underweight? am almost

106: Been to a wedding? my own lol

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? who hasn’t

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? yee

109: Been outside my home country? no

110: Gotten my heart broken? come back imy!

111: Been to a professional sports game? leggo rangers 

112: Broken a bone? see above question

113: Cut myself? wtf tumblr

114: Been to prom? god that sucked

115: Been in airplane? yes

116: Fly by helicopter? no

117: What concerts have I been to? rise against, mac demarco, homeshake, death grips, neon indian, AJJ, alex calder

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? yee

119: Learned another language? non

120: Wore make up? too much

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? sigh

123: Dyed my hair? call me clementine 

124: Voted in a presidential election? no fml

125: Rode in an ambulance? ya

126: Had a surgery? ya

127: Met someone famous? mac demarco and peter fucking sagar 

128: Stalked someone on a social network? YES AND SHE KNOWS AND I’M HAPPY ABOUT IT 

129: Peed outside? me in the city when I drink be like 

130: Been fishing? yes ew 

132: Been rejected by a crush? kr***ennnn

133: Broken a mirror? no?

134: What do I want for birthday? my permit 

[ladymadsen]

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? The last person to tell me they loved me, was my best friend / soul sister, Emmi. She definitely means it, as do I, every day that I tell her the same recurring sentiment. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

Absolutely freaking not. 

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Umm . . . aggravated and happy. I know I’ve felt it. Most likely with my ex? 

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do that almost every day.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I mean, possibly, but I doubt it. Men aren’t exactly nipping at my heels these days.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Hahaha, yep. “Soap” by Melanie Martinez made me think of a friend of mine I’ve been talking to. 

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

A tight black turtle neck underneath a black dress with roses on it. Definitely channeling the Audrey Hepburn vibe today.

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every time I’m alone. Whether it’s in the car, or with headphones, I’m always listening to music. Melanie’s album, “Cry Baby” has been on repeat, as well as a few singles by Cigarettes After Sex.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Black jeans.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?

God, I hope so. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life, outside of trying to stay ahead of my depression, figuring out how to record my next album, and not dating people who just seem interested in sex.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Eh. Depends on the damn day.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Yup. Yup. Yup.

13. What about ‘R’?

Mhmm.

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

Barely.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Eh. Yeah, I guess. Depends on the person. If I care about them it’ll hurt more, but if I don’t, I’ve grown a thicker skin, so it doesn’t hurt as much. 16. Are you going out of town soon?

Planning on it. 17. When was the last time you cried?

During a movie I watched about a beautiful life I will probably never possess. 

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Of course I have, what kind of question is this?  19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

No. My eye color matches my hair. 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes. My little brother William. 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I am completely uninterested and bored by the life I lead. 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Yes, because I don’t think men do that unless they are feeling an emotional attachment. In my experience, when my significant others have stopped doing this, I knew something was up. 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Nope. 24. What are you sitting on right now?

An office chair if you must know. 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

My friend Emmi. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

HAHAHA. Need I remind you of my unfortunate dating history? Next question. 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Greg. 28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Yes, I do. 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

This turtle neck is from Target. 30. Does anyone hate you?

I hope so, otherwise I’m doing something wrong. 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

Usually, but not since moving to Utah. Normally it’s empty wine bottles. 32. Do you like watching scary movies?

Yes I do. Ghost stories are my scary movie preference.  33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

Not particularly. 

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

As much as I would like to erase the past five years, I suppose living those years has made me a stronger, (or some other positive bull shit we tell ourselves). Whatever, I guess. No regrets.  35. Did you have a dream last night?

Yes I did. It was about Greg, actually. I also think my sister was in it, and I was drowning at some point. 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Like, “love”, love? Um. Not recently. 

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Jesus, at the rate I’m going, probably not. I’ve pretty much lost all hope. If I am lucky enough for that to happen to me, I am eloping. 

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know one person does for sure, but there are two others that are sort of on the “meh” scale. One of the two, lives far away from me, and we have a history, but he can’t seem to cough out the words, “I love you” to save his life. The other man is emotionally unavailable, so rather uninterested at the moment. So, sure? Maybe? Obviously, my love life isn’t exactly fulfilling. 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Perhaps, although I wouldn’t presume to think the thoughts are always good, or full of admiration. 

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

My day yesterday was “just a day”.  41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

I would hardly call the end of my former romantic interaction, a “relationship”. That would imply there was trust, love, and safety, to which there was absolutely none. So no. I guess I was in more of a deceitful, selfish, vicious cycle, with a man whom I once, at the very least, considered to be my friend; but who turned out to be nothing more than a dishonorable and scared little boy. 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

Yeah, probably. 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes, and it turns out they were lying through their serotonin soaked tongue. 44. What’s the best part about school?

Becoming exposed to other perspectives and opinions. 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

Was the author of these questions in their 40s?  46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Of course I did. I used to stick handmade letters in people’s lockers. 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Sometimes, but I noticed it was making me extremely anxious, so now I just let memories fade. What’s the point of recalling something that is just going to hurt you?  48. Were you single over the last summer?

If I had known better, I would have been. 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No. It’s better in some ways, worse in others. 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Working.  51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

Eh. Hate is a strong word, but I’m rather unimpressed with him at the moment. 52. Are you nice to everyone? I try to be.  53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes. Three times. My ex husband, a former client, and my last boyfriend. 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Yes. I do. I’ve done it. 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

If I don’t want you to know something, you fucking absolutely will not know it. 56. Do you think you like someone? Skipping this question. 

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

Um, probably. Can you tell I’m really invested in remembering this info? 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls. Boys just cause problems. They’re experts at blurry lines.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Too many, probably. 60. Do you hate anyone?

With how cynical I am being while answering these questions, would you honestly believe me if I said no? Of course, I do.  61. How’s your heart? It’s good, despite how I may feel about it lately. 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

** skips question **

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

I prefer to think about the moments I burned their photographs and threw out their things. 

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Most likely my parents, a few ex friends I’ve pissed off, my ex boyfriend, and my ex producer. Guess what, though? I could literally care less. 65. Are your toenails painted pink?

No, want to paint them? 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

With my luck? Probably. 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Eh. Makes me sad, actually. I don’t like watching people cry. 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

No, and if they have, I obviously don’t remember. 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

No idea. 70. How do you look right now?

Annoyed by this stupid question. 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

My friend Kelli is pretty wonderful, she lets me be myself apologetically.  72. Can you commit to one person?

Yeah, if someone would fucking let me.  73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Nope. 74. Have you ever felt replaced?

Does my ex husband running off with a 19 year old twat, count? 

75. Did you wake up cranky?

I wake up sad.  76. Are you a jealous person?

Jealous, no. Motivated, sure. 77. Are relationships ever worth it?

THAT IS THE ULTIMATE QUESTION, ISN’T IT? 78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

My sister, and male “friends” who aren’t really interested in being my friend at all. 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Sure. The man in my brain that doesn’t actually exist in real life.  80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Wake up.  81. Last person you cried in front of? A rather new acquaintance. I started crying when a certain song played, but I don’t think he noticed.  82. Is there someone you will never forget? A Thai female escort I met while working as a stripper in Los Angeles. She had the purest heart I had ever known. She was working so she could send money to her family. 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

I highly doubt it. 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Being held and feeling like I’m wanted / needed, would be a lovely change of pace.  85. Are you over your past? This questionnaire has proven that to NOT be the case. 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Yup. This question is boring. Next. 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Yeah, my friend Emmi. 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? God, no fucking way. My first love was an absolute loser. I deserve way better. Same goes for my first boyfriend, and husband for that matter. No. Thanks. 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

** shrugs ** that is the most unlikely thing that could ever occur. 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Oh, you mean my ex husband?  91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

GOD, RUB IT IN WHY DON’T YOU. 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Funny you should mention that . . . 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

I’m sure I have. 

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? Um, no. 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

I was falling in love with him.  96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

Unfortunately.  97. Who do you have texts from?

Who do you have texts from? Snoop. 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

“Big surprise, there! Have fun with that, and good luck!” 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes.  100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? Nobody. 101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

No. I doubt I ever will.  102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Of course, but that feeling is few and far between these days.

[artflacka]

Bullshit Sad Writing for the book So today I learned that the skin that covers me regenerates every 35 days, and I wish that everything in my body was all relative. I wish I could forget you existed or even broke my heart. But only the outside changes after you leave. 12:12 AM 3/2/17 Outside, under the Colorado sky, I witnessed the sun make something I already found beautiful even more so. The way the light would redefine your eyes, I found my personal heaven, what I wanted in life. I found myself not broken, but feeling alive. 7/31/16 written with Tyler Isch ❣️ My friend was asking me about colors to explain a person, and I thought of you. How you were black, shades of all the colors mixed. You were bright like yellow, illuminating the darkness in my body, you were the blue in me, making me sad here and there for your stupid decisions. You were the red, the anger that I had out of jealousy and fear of what you let happen anyway. You were black. 9:28 AM 3/7/17 Never had I been so empty and alone for a birthday of mine. It gets emptier as the years go actually, it might be emptiness aesthetics but that's what it feels like every year. It started last, when one of my dads left and I couldn't hear those three words from him. Or maybe it was my uncle leaving too. Every year someone left, and this year I had a family less. 4+ people, gone. This time it was my fault, because I'm such a fucking disappointment. And now I couldn't and wouldn't hear those three words from more people I loved. 9:37 AM 3/7/17 I remember a year ago I was going out for pancakes with my other mom. She took me out of school with pajamas on and my baby sister drooling on her shoulder. She went to go get my other sister too, both of us were supposed to be at the doctors but we went to go get free breakfast. I remember the day so perfect, we were sitting like a family drinking orange juice and stuffing our mouths. We laughed and we joked, it was something I missed dearly. And I fucked the whole plan up. I don't know how I could say sorry and make this day into a day of pancakes and orange juice again. But for what it's worth, I miss it. 9:44 AM 3/7/17 Everything seems so, changed. Out of place. They aren't friends anymore. He's not with his girlfriend anymore. I don't live there anymore. It all feels like someone came and rearranged everything and never put anything back to the way it was. It feels like life is a rubix cube, mixed up all the time and then eventually it all falls back into place when the right person comes to fix it. But then after they leave it's mixed up again. I guess that's how it is, when people come and go, things move out of place again and again until someone comes to reorganize. I guess I lack those skills. 9:33 AM 3/9/17 John Mayer still reminds me of you and those songs from our SoundCloud rapper friends and the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that one band I regret showing you does too. Sometimes I look at your Facebook and I repeatedly ask myself what I could've done better so you might've not left but I couldn't have saved us. You wanted to leave. You wanted to leave me with the judgements and the 'I told you so's, you left me with the memories that burn a hole in my heart every single time. You just left me with all the bad things and you took all the good. I don't write and I haven't cried for you ever but today I did both. As I looked at our old conversations and the pictures we took while we were together, I realized how much had changed. You weren't mine anymore and that killed me. It killed me to see you after 6 months with the girl my bestfriend could've had sex with at any moment. It felt like a soccer kick in the stomach, I knew I wasn't important anymore, I wasn't the love of your life and when you saw me you weren't gonna kiss me. God how I want you to kiss me and tell me why you left, but I'll never know because I've made a fool of myself after you left and you might've thought I was still fatally in love with you. I don't really know if I loved you because I don't think about you as much as I did with the first love, maybe I learned how to cope but very doubtful. I think I just realized you were the stupid one, that I didn't do anything wrong, that you couldn't have left for a reason that began with me. But maybe you did. And I always contradict myself about that. Maybe I was too skinny and you wanted a bigger ass or you wanted smaller boobs, I don't know. I still will never know the answers to the questions I have until I'm okay and ready to see the reason my family hates me and the reason I don't have a door. Nevertheless, I still love you. 1:20 AM 4/12/17 I really don't know why I'm breaking down. I feel weak and nothing is the same anymore. Look, I passed by my old world the other day. The park where we sat on swings together, the small lake where I used to walk around with you holding hands and the bridge where you wrote I love you on my hand, the hill I laid with you, the sidewalks that were marked with wheels from my rush of getting to school on time even though I never did. All my friends were still there, or I guess the people I used to know. They've changed now, I've changed now. We weren't the same anymore. I questioned if I should just leave this world behind me like how they left me in their 8th grade year. My mom always told me to let go but I never wanted to until I passed by the street that my dad would hug me in, the house where I had deep conversations with my step mom, the street where I fell because I refused to get off my board to kick it over. It hurts me so much and I wonder if it's because I never let it go. So I lit a cigarette and forgot. I forgot about that hill, that lake, that park, the schools, everything. And I blew out the smoke like all the memories were being exhaled out. 4/16/17 10:29 PM I saw you yesterday for the first time in what? Almost a year. I shook in disgust of you, what you said, how you were, what we did, you make me mad. Or nervous. Maybe the butterflies came up again, because honey you are so beautiful and I loved you once. They say you can't stop loving someone if it's true and I don't think I ever stopped loving you because when I see you, I shake like I did before. Before you said you randomly stopped loving me and it wasn't the same anymore but you still spoke to me, before the forehead kisses you were too embarrassed to give because of your hidden shyness, before I disgusted you, before you left me for her, before we laughed together for the last time. That laugh hurt, I never wanted to see your stupid smile again. But when I saw you yesterday it was plastered on your face even though you couldn't see it, it's all I did. I wish this was a movie, where you see someone and you just have a flash of all the happy moments, like when you comforted me when I got the flu on Valentine's Day, or when you'd take pictures with me, or when threw my phone at me trying to be attractive. Everything isn't the same anymore though. And you looked at me with disgust too. 4/27/17 I miss you a lot. I wish you weren't mad at me anymore, and I wish I could let go too. Someone told me that sometimes people need to process things but you've been processing for 6 months. I wish you could forget that I snuck that boy in and let him taste me. I know that you know he did that. I wish you could forget I loved to smoke the green of god. I just wish you would talk to me. I miss you. I want to sit on the couch and play video games with you. I want to talk about motorcycles with you. I want to hug you and love you. I want to analyze you again. I want to see you smile because of me again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made a mistake or two or the most you've ever forgiven. I'm just a kid. And I know you made mistakes too around this time in your life. But I miss you. And I wish I was welcome again, but I never will be. Why do you ignore me dad? Why do you act like I'm no one? Why don't you come at me with love and care and say it's okay? I'm sorry dad and I can't say that enough. And I wonder if you miss me. But it's okay, if you want to ignore me, do it. I know you're happier now. Inconvenient Fuck Up, Destany 4/30/17 Apple J, that sounds so good with you. A glass of apple j with you under the moon. I don't know why it's you that it sounds good with, after all you did fuck me over more than twice, but you just look so beautiful under the moon. Your eyes reflect so perfectly. I don't think anyone could look like that, so, put together. Like as if you were built to make people feel this way. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't spend some of my tv time with you instead before you left. And I realize it's too late because you won't come back to Colorado, you'll stay in sunny Arizona with your family until you make your dreams come true. You'll stay there with your drugs and your eyes and your hair you cut off after freshman year, you'll stay there. Then you'll leave to New York like you said and get an apartment in queens, I know you'll do it. And I'll see glimpses of your photography in my timeline, maybe you'll call, maybe you'll drunk text me again and say you're sorry for everything, or maybe you'll just fade away like before. It took me all this time to realize I miss your presence. I miss that day where we skated and stood on that hill while I smoked a cigarette, when we looked at the sky turn from black to lavender, when you held me last. I miss that more than I'd like to admit and that moment is why I think you, a glass of apple j, and the moonlight pair so well. 5/8/17 9:48 PM I think that I really was the one who fucked it all up. I know I tell you all the time that I hate you for messing everything up between us and that I wish you didn't lose my trust but in the end it was really me who fucked it all up. I started to be distant and I told you all this bullshit I regretted saying the day after. I really meant that paragraph I sent you a month ago, you do mean a lot to me and I never wanted to lose you. I only blocked you because you reminded me of the guilt I have for telling you I was basically having second thoughts on us. I do love you. I love you so very much and it kills me to listen to "My Kind of Woman" I don't like him, he just fills the space you left. I don't love the FaceTime calls between him and I as much as I loved ours. I don't like being called beautiful by other guys, I really wish it was you telling me that. And I tried to make things back into the way they were between us but you didn't want that. I'm sorry I fucked up the honeymoon period. I love you. I love you so much Eli and I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I don't know what I'm going to do if you move here and we never make use of the plans we made. Until another boy, I love you. 5/18/17 2:45 PM It's not possible to have the things you used to. Like love. You can't just act like nothing happened and that you love eachother again, you have to remember that you left or they did and things don't ever go back to the way they used to. It makes me sad that things won't be the same all because I said I didn't want you in my life anymore. I wish you would say I'd be your first art piece again. I want you to call me art again, I want you to have excitement for me. I just, I want you to want me again. And you don't anymore. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fucked it up I'm sorry i fuck everything up, i love you so much. 5-21-17 11:05 PM I'd love to call someone else my moon and forget you called me your shooting star but it was so much our thing that I can't make it into someone else's. You don't deserve to have my grief. You don't deserve to even have the name of my moon. You don't deserve it because you probably called some other girl your stars too, and you probably tasted the galaxies of her body. I'm sorry I couldn't be the milky way and that you couldn't travel my body because I wanted to be pure until I was ready to give myself to you. I know you left me for her, you didn't let me know just so you think you would get away with the secrets of adultery. But later on I found that I'd been right all those months. You cheated. And I know it wasn't my fault because I gave you all that I could. You're still empty trying to fill yourself with girls and you disgust me. Never again will I see you as the brightness to my dark, my moon. But you still own the rights to the name. And I sure hope you don't call another girl your shooting star too. 5/25/17 11:08 PM I can't and couldn't make things work between us. You were perfect and sweet, I wasn't ruined for once. And I was happy with you, I really was. Then a boy came along and I got to see him, feel him. He wasn't you but it was a person to love and touch. I couldn't do that with you, and I'm sorry I forgot about how I would've been touching you in a week or two. I'm selfish and scatterbrained, I don't know why I did that or do that. I ruin things that are good for me and I ruin people in the process. I keep sending you texts and I wish it was like before where you'd text me within seconds, I want you to text me back so bad but I feel like you found someone who is a better me, someone who isn't going to fuck things up because she can touch a guy. And I'm jealous. I wish I got a second shot, I sure would love it to be like that again. I love you so much. I don't know how I could love someone this much. But I love you. 5/30/17 12:26 AM I always tell myself I hate you and it's weird how in a way I do. But I mostly hate myself for ruining us. We had something so perfect and then things fell apart. It's weird how you're not in my life anymore, how you don't say the things that my new boy tells me now. It's all so different. I won't have you and you're gonna have some girl soon and I'll have this boy. Nothing is the same anymore, it sinks my chest. 6/8/17 2:36AM I think I finally know what people are talking about in those love songs like Ramona and My Kind of Woman. You make everything make sense. You'd make really great poems. You make me feel electric, important, confident. Your hands belong with mine and I long to feel them again. I love your smile, I love your big Brown eyes, I love you. I don't deserve you, no one does. I don't deserve to hear your gorgeous singing while you play guitar to some of my favorite songs. I don't deserve your views on music. I don't even deserve to see that smile that brightens my day. You're perfect and no one can compare. I finally have someone that makes me happy. Truly happy, not just me singling out the good things and pushing away the cons. No, you truly make me happy. You mean the world to me. You are the world. You're the stars and everything, all things beautiful. Te amo. 6/13/15 1:24 AM You wrote a goddamn song about me. I don't care. I don't love you anymore. You're so incredibly perfect but you're not who I want and I can't change that. Even if that song is perfect and even if it's special because I know you hate singing and writing songs. It's a great song by the way. It's called 'need'. And after you released it you text me and spilled all your feelings to me. That you think about ways you can make me happy and how you're so incredibly in love with me. And I'm sorry but I don't feel that way anymore. He came back into my life and I always told myself I'd leave you in a second for him. Because I just love him so very much. I felt like that for you for such a short time. I guess I never really loved you, or I wouldn't have left you. I considered it, but when you left my house that last time, I realized we weren't meant to be. Those kisses didn't make my lips tingle, they didn't make me smile in the midst of them and that's how I knew you weren't the one. The one I'd keep instead of my ex. My ex was ok with me staying with you after we declared our love for each other. He said "I hope he tells you I love you more than I did." That's the thing, you did. But I still didn't love you. And I couldn't say sorry enough. But at the same time. Karma. You know what you did. "your soul is so beautiful" -Destany 6/26/17 1:06 AM Confessions: 4/25/17 10:04 PM ~ sometimes I don't know if I really love you, sometimes I wish you'd just leave so things were easier again. 5/16/17 11:41 PM ~ i want to leave. leave you and all my friends, i want to start over because i fucked everything up and maybe this time i'll get it right. 6/26/17 12:53 AM ~ I know I always leave boys for other boys. I don't mean to break their hearts. But in a way I don't care about their hearts, they don't mean anything to me. It's just all dust on the ground that won't ever bother me, I won't feel bad.

Me the past months

[alicedoessurveys]

93 Questions

1. When did you last leave your house? Where did you go and why? Yesterday, I went to beckets to get birthday cakes for dad

2. Has anyone ever accused you of trying to steal their boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope

3. Does your best friend smoke cigarettes? Not that I know of

4. Did your last received text message have a smiley face in it? Nope

5. Have your parents ever tried to talk to you about things like sex and contraception? Haha nope they know I’m not doing any of that stuff

6. Find your last text message from the opposite sex. Can you tell us what it says, or is the content too personal? Last message from a guy was from Addison earlier this week. He said “my legacy is safe” .. its a long story :’)

7. How about your last Facebook message from the opposite sex, what does that say? From a family friend called Tom. He sent me one of those copy & paste messages that are going around at the moment

8. You find out that your last ex is in a relationship with someone else, and it’s very serious. In fact, they’re planning to get married. Your reaction? I don’t have an ex

9. Do you think you will kiss someone tonight? Nope

10. What was on your mind before you went to bed last night? And what was on your mind when you woke up this morning? All thats on my mind at the moment is wondering when we’re getting our foster placement

11. Do you have any possessions that you’re very attached to, and you’d be absolutely devastated if you damaged or lost them? I have a lot of possessions that would make me devastated if they were lost or damaged..

12. Think about the last conversation you had with someone else, face to face or online. Who initiated the conversation? What did you talk about? How did you feel while you were talking to that person? With my mom, she’s sat in the same room as me now. We’re organising collecting things we’ve bought for the kids room

13. Have you done anything in the past week that you’re now embarrassed about? if I have then I’ve wiped it from my memory

14. Has anyone ever told you that they would always love you? Do you think that person meant it? Only family & I believe them

15. Have you ever told anyone that you would always love them? Did you mean it? Again, probably family & yeah

16. Say you just randomly got bored of sitting at your computer and got up and went out, where would you be most likely to go? probably to take the dogs to the park

17. If the last person you texted was walking out of your life, would you chase after them? Yah, she’s my mom

18. Who was the last person to call you beautiful, sweet, or cute? Mom last night

19. Can you remember the last time you couldn’t have something you really wanted? What was the reason? Idk

20. What color are the eyes of the last person that told you they loved you? Blue

21. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it? Idk, I’m not very naughty haha..

22. Who was the last person of the opposite sex to make you smile? Are you attracted to that person? Idk probably dad or sis’ boyf last night at dad’s birthday meal. Nope I’m not cause they’re family

23. You’re awake at 2 am talking to someone, who is it? No one

24. Can I call you home dawg? if you really want to

25. Are white walls boring? Nope I like them

26. Are you sleep deprived? Not really, I slept a lot this morning. Probably will be soon if we get a baby

27. Do you like kids? Depends what they’re like. I cant deal with kids that scream constantly or have tantrums over stupid shit

28. Is your favorite sport to watch the same as to play? Dont like watching sports

29. If I touched the last place on your body you touched would it be awkward? Yeah, I don’t like people touching my face

30. What sound does a duck make? Quack

31. Do you know what literature device that’s called? Onomatopea..?

32. Would other people rate your looks significantly different than your rating? Probably not

33. Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex? Yup, rhys

34. Is it awkward when you run into your first ex? n/a

35. Was your last text message from a girl or boy? Girl

36. Who was the last person you texted? Mom

37. How do you feel about homosexual people? I have no opinion, its nothing to do with me how other people live their lives

38. Is your sister a slut? No

39. Your girlfriend/boyfriend buys you flowers, you say: Havent got a boyfriend, but if I did id say thank you

40. Can you play Guitar Hero? I have played it once ages ago, I liked it

41. Where is your biological father right now? At work

42. Can you whistle? Yup

43. Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yeah

44. Who were you last on the phone with? Rhys the other day

45. Do you like flavored teas? I don’t like tea

46. When you were younger, did you have a swing set or a playhouse in your backyard? I think I had a swing I can’t remember, I know I had a climbing frame slide things with a playhouse under it

47. Is your mall nice? its okay

48. What are you listening to? American horror story on telly

49. Do you burn incense? occasinally

50. Do you smoke weed? No, my neighbour does and it stinks

51. Do you like to post song lyrics for your Facebook status? No

52. Do you have a Sonic near you? If so, what’s your favorite drink from there? I don’t know what that is

53. Will you be voting in the presidential elections next time around? nope cause I’m in the UK

54. Do you go to the gym? Not anymore

55. Do you like Kid Cudi? Dont listen to him

56. Does being in love make you nervous? Never been in love so idk

57. Don’t you just love randomness? idk not really

58. Have you ever made a mistake in letting someone go? Nope

59. How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries? dont like the texture of strawberries

60. What was the last important thing that you thought about? probably Fostering

61. Did the last song you listened to hold any special meaning? Yeah, it was My Lighthouse by Rend Collective. It was always be special to me because its the song that I sung in my head to keep me calm during my driving test

62. Do you and your last ex hate each other? n/a

63. What’s irritating you right now? its freakin’ freezing in this house

64. Who was the last person you gave up on? Idk

65. Have you ever been so quiet that nobody noticed that you were there? Yeah, I make people jump a lot :’)

66. Did you ever stop having feelings for someone and then started having those feelings again for them? Yup :/

67. Do you stay home when you are sick or do you still go out? Stay home

68. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? Haha nope

69. What’s your current boy situation right now? no boyfriend

70. Do you hate the last guy you had a thing with? Not hate.

71. What’s your relationship with the person you last texted? Mom

72. Do you think that you’re a good person? I try

73. Have a best friend? Yup

74. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends at the same time? Nope

75. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Going to see the strictly come dancing live show :)

76. Are you in a good mood right now? not bad

77. What are you looking forward to in the next three months? Yupppp

78. Do you like your hair? since I got it cut, yah! Plus, I curled it yesterday so its nice and wavy today

79. What’s your most valuable memory of the first month of this year? Probably New Years day with my fam

80. Were you single for your last birthday? Yup

81. How’s your love life? Non existent

82. Could you date someone taller than you? Yes please

83. What’s the closest black thing to you? The keyboard on my laptop

84. Are you happier now or a month ago? probably a month ago because it was nearly Christmas

85. Have you kissed someone with braces? Nope

86. Do you ever wonder how other people see you? All the time

87. Does anyone have feelings for you right now? Doubt it

88. Will this weekend be a good one? Yah!

89. Who’s your favorite redhead? dont really have a fave redhead..

90. Does anyone disgust you? Terrorists and people who abuse animals

91. Is there someone that you used to talk to every single day but you don’t now? Yup..

92. Is this the best year of your life? Hope so

93. When was the last time you were sun burned? Can’t remember, I don’t really catch the sun

[gibsonsflowofthoughts]

Which moments in NFL history do you wish you had seen live?

The NFL has had some indelible moments throughout its nearly 100-year existence. The Immaculate Reception. The Music City Miracle. The Minnesota Miracle. David Tyree’s Super Bowl catch. Wide Right. The Catch. Kevin Dyson coming up a yard short. The Butt Fumble.

We’ve seen many of them live, either on television or in person. But for others, it only feels that way because they’re such a familiar part of sports lore. Maybe we weren’t born yet or were too young to remember. Or maybe we first caught the clip on Twitter or SportsCenter. But those plays were spoiled for us: we knew ahead of time that we were about see something special.

For some of us, we saw it on TV, but we wish we could have been there in the stadium and shared that experience with a large group of our fellow slack-jawed fans who were feeling the exact same amazement as we were.

Either way, you never forget what it’s like to watch something like that unfold in real time, transitioning from that “what just happened?” shock to the realization that what you just witnessed will go down into NFL history.

Here are nine moments — on the field and off, live on TV or in person — we wish we had seen when they happened:

We wish we had been there in person

2016 NFC Championship Game

Even though it ended in catastrophe, the 2016 season was the most fun I’ve ever had watching the Atlanta Falcons. They could score at will, play great defense in spurts, and were just a thoroughly entertaining team to watch.

I wish I was at this game just for one specific play.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched that play. It was a pure display of physical dominance by Julio Jones, a perfect throw by Matt Ryan, and a great play call by Kyle Shanahan.

There are few times when one football player is clearly one step ahead of his competition. This was absolutely one of those instances on one of the biggest stages the NFL has to offer. As the CEO of the Julio Jones Fan Club, I really wish I was there for this moment. - Charles McDonald

Beast Quake

The real appeal of seeing something live, in my opinion, is soaking in the moment with the crowd. There’s just nothing quite like over 60,000 people losing their shit simultaneously.

Probably my favorite NFL video of the last calendar year was the sideline view of Stefon Diggs’ miracle touchdown against the Saints in the playoffs. If a crowd going that bananas doesn’t give you chills or goosebumps or, at the very least, a smile, you’re just not enjoying sports right.

So with that said, I’m flying my time machine to Seattle in January 2011 when Marshawn Lynch ran through approximately 87 Saints tacklers on his way to a 67-yard touchdown that clinched the Seahawks an unlikely playoff win. It has since been dubbed “Beast Quake” because the crowd noise literally caused a small tremor that was recorded on nearby seismographs.

Watching videos online of that kind of collective explosion is fun, but I can only imagine how incredible it must’ve been like to take in the moment with Seahawks faithful. — Adam Stites

Randy Moss fake-moons Lambeau Field

“That is a disgusting act by Randy Moss,” Joe Buck said.

Actually, it was an amazing act. I yearn to have been there. — Alex Kirshner

The Minneapolis Miracle

This is such an easy choice for so many reasons. We can start off with the fact that I’m a Falcons fan that enjoys Saints pain. The other thing here that really anybody that’s not a Saints fan can enjoy, is that this was an absolutely ridiculous ending to a football game.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that nobody thought the Vikings were going to be able to pull that off. If you know somebody that claims otherwise, they’re lying.

Plus, if you could get Joe Buck to lose his mind like that without Randy Moss pretending to show his ass, you’ve really done something. Not to mention the range of emotions it put everyone else through. — Harry Lyles Jr.

X-Clown

Some plays are indelibly burned in your mind and feel recent, even though they were forever ago. It’s hard to believe it’s been 15 years since the Carolina Panthers went to double overtime against the Rams in the NFC Divisional Playoffs, but this feels like yesterday.

The game was a complete slugfest, and at the time the game was billed as the Panthers’ grinding run game vs. Marc Bulger and the Rams’ astounding air attack — but in the end it was Steve Smith’s walk-off touchdown that took it all home.

This play was so damn disrespectful for the time, and it was beautiful. Jake Delhomme was never an amazing quarterback — but he had this knack for making big time throws when it counted. Hitting Smitty in stride after the pump fake was pure beauty, and I lost it in the basement of my parents’ house when it happened. I wish I could have been there live. — James Dator

We wish we had been alive for — or old enough to appreciate

The Ice Bowl

There are approximately one thousand incredible moments that make up the Packers’ storied history, but few can match the rarified air of the 1967 NFL Championship Game — better known as the Ice Bowl. It was a balmy -15 when the Packers and Cowboys took the field in Green Bay, and wind chill made it feel as awful as -48 as Lambeau Field’s broken heating system left a slippery sheen of ice atop the turf.

What happened next was football as performance art. Neither team gained more than 200 yards, leading to 16 combined punts that kept the crowd wondering which would shatter first: the ball itself or Donny Anderson’s foot. The Packers trailed 17-14 with 16 seconds on the clock and no timeouts remaining when Vince Lombardi got bold, dialed up a quarterback sneak for Bart Starr, and punched his team’s ticket to a second straight Super Bowl.

Watching it on TV would be cool. Watching it at Lambeau would be legendary. Look at this photo of our collective grandpas, showing up 50,000-deep for a football game in a frigid town of 75,000.

via the Pro Football Hall of Fame

Stare at that picture and inhale deeply, through your nose. Do you smell it? It’s the smell of 150,000 brandy old-fashioneds and stale Lucky Strike cigarettes being slowly smothered by the cold. I want in. — Christian D’Andrea

T.O. celebrating on the Dallas star

For me, a San Francisco 49ers fan, there are some obvious moments. I was born in 1990, and therefore missed some of the greatest moments in franchise history. I was alive for one that doesn’t necessarily hold up to The Catch, but is still one of my favorite moments in football history: Terrell Owens’ celebration on the Dallas Cowboys’ star.

The reason that’s my pick is twofold: I obviously would have loved to be at that game live, screaming my face off at Cowboys fans and hoping they don’t beat my obnoxious 10-year-old ass; and also I would have loved to see the reactions on social media. At that time, Facebook was still four years away, while Twitter was a further two years out.

Don’t get me wrong — social media and sports is an awful combination pretty much 95 percent of the time. But the gloriousness that would come out of the reactions to Owens’ celebration on the star, Emmitt Smith’s retaliatory celebration on the same star, and Owens’ follow-up second celebration on it would be phenomenal. Of course, if Twitter existed, it hardly would have been suitable for 10-year-old me. Or perhaps I’d fit right in. — James Brady

The “Super Bowl Shuffle” phenomenon

Whether you were alive during the 80s or not, it’s the Potter Stewart obscenity case: you know it when you see it.

And if you’ve seen even a glimpse of the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” it’s about as 80s as it gets:

The production value of Sugarhill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight” music video. Awkward dancing. Even awkwarder rapping. Those closeups of the one guy in sunglasses. Sax solo — and oh wait, he’s wearing sunglasses too! A COWBELL.

This wasn’t a play on the field or really even a moment: It was an actual phenomenon. The song sold more than 700,000 copies in its first year, made around $200,000 for charity, the record went gold, the video was in heavy rotation at MTV, and it lost a Grammy to Prince.

So even if today it looks more like a parody, it was a legitimate hit then and people enjoyed it for any number of reasons — because the players were having fun, because they were trying to help feed the needy, because Walter Payton’s spitting rhymes like “Well, they call me Sweetness/And I like to dance/Runnin’ the ball is like makin’ romance.”

Other NFL musical efforts like “Ram It,” “Buddy’s Watchin’ You,” and “Living the American Dream” soon followed, but none of those could top the one that paved the way in December 1985.

That’s another point that could easily be overlooked now but probably wasn’t then: It was released almost two months before the Super Bowl. Were people charmed by the cockiness of it? How much outrage was there in a world before social media and Skip Bayless types were on TV spouting exhausting nonsense on a seemingly never-ending basis? Or, hopefully, did fans understand that these larger-than-life personalities were having a blast riding this once-in-a-lifetime season?

Luckily for the Bears, they went on to win their first (and still only) Super Bowl that January. But the “Super Bowl Shuffle” had much more entertainment value than their 46-10 blowout win over the Patriots.

Unfortunately for the Bears, like most things sports fans love, controversy followed. It still lives on today, even though we know an NFL team now would never and could never replicate such an iconic, goofy-in-all-the-right-ways sensation that transcended football and even sports. And that’s why it would’ve been, like, so totally rad to experience this little piece of pop culture-meets-sports history then. — Sarah Hardy

We wish we hadn’t gone to bed and completely missed this

The Seahawks’ goal-line play in Super Bowl 49

As 100 million Americans were sitting on the edge of their seats wondering why Russell Wilson was lined up in the shotgun at the goal line during the final seconds of Super Bowl 49, I was just hitting REM sleep in a London dorm.

When I woke up the next morning and turned to Twitter, I was thinking the same thing as everyone else: “Why the hell didn’t the Seahawks give the ball to Marshawn Lynch on the 1-yard line?”

Except, I actively made the decision to stop watching the game after the first half 14-14 tie. I say that with great shame, especially since one of my best friends is a huge Patriots fans and was, according to my sources at the bar, crying profusely after Malcolm Butler made the pick to seal the Patriots’ Super Bowl title.

I could give you a long list of excuses (some legit and others not so much) about why I chose to leave the bar, but I wouldn’t be doing myself any favors. Just know that I’ve learned my lesson: Under no circumstance should you ever stop watching the Super Bowl in order to get sleep. Never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of Tom Brady Super Bowl comebacks! — Isaac Chipps

Dope article from sbnation.com

[johnchiarello]

Kings 7

KINGS 7

Hebrews 8:5

Who serve unto the example and shadow of heavenly things, as Moses was admonished of God when he was about to make the tabernacle: for, See, saith he, that thou make all things according to the pattern shewed to thee in the mount.

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

 Kings 7- https://youtu.be/vV3VwRrY_0M

https://ccoutreach87.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/6-6-17-kings-7.zip

https://ccoutreach87.com/6-6-17-kings-7/

https://vimeo.com/221892931

Gary update- https://youtu.be/cKQlYzQFUfQ

http://wp.me/a4V5qQ-C1

 NOTE- Why all the video links? As I uploaded to Youtube- once again someone ‘hacked’ into my site- and changed the settings to private. I usually go to settings- and change them back. This time my access to Youtube was denied. So- that's why I added W.P. and vimeo. I haven’t commented on the media recently [ I made this post before yesterdays roll out- before I spoke about the crisis in Corpus Christi Texas- the corruption in the courts- judge Sandra Watts- Judge Loyd Neal not running again- the national media rebuking the CCPD for the famous Rosas case- Flash bomb- the national media questioning the shooting of Judge Tom Greenwell in the Nueces county court house- yes- I made this post before all of this- here’s the link- https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/06/16/friday-3/ ] but one of the big stories is the Comey leaks to the NY times. Ok- I find it funny- because Comey leaked his memos to the Times- because he felt he needed to get the info out. There have been other intelligence people who have done the same- though the leaks are illegal- they feel they are doing it for protection. Yet- the same government [U.S.] is going after Snowden- Assange- Reality Winner- for doing the same thing. Yes-we live in a day where social media- and ‘leaking’ play an important role- shining light. I just find it ironic that the ‘deep state’ leaks like a sieve - yet they also hunt down others who do the same.

 ON VIDEOS-

.Gary update

.Why am I still teaching Kings?

.Discipline to finish the job

.Many houses [Mansions]

.Solomon stuck with the pattern and built more than one

.Another Hiram

.More than enough

.Wisdom to build

.Global warming

.B.P. oil spill [Remember the video of all the ‘filthy oil’ spilling into the sea- that was unrefined oil meaning- it was nature- the oil was as natural as the salt in the sea- the sand on the shore- it came from under the ocean floor- a purely natural thing. Yet- in the minds of the public/media- they made you think it was like refined dirty oil spilling from some refinery]

.Don’t cut corners

.Free cigarettes!

.What day are the prophets speaking about?

.Wisdom from my homeless friend Albert

Zechariah 11:8

Three shepherds also I cut off in one month; and my soul lothed them, and their soul also abhorred me.

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

 PAST POSTS [These are my past teachings that relate in some way to this post KINGS 7-verses below]

KINGS-

https://ccoutreach87.com/1st-2nd-kings/

https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/03/29/kings-2/

https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/04/12/kings-3/

https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/04/27/kings-4/

https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/05/04/kings-5/

https://ccoutreach87.com/2017/05/25/kings-6/

Bible books I quoted on today’s video- here are my complete studies on those books-

https://ccoutreach87.com/john-complete-links-added/

https://ccoutreach87.com/hebrews-updated-2015/

https://ccoutreach87.com/james-2015/

(1055) 1ST KINGS 7- We have more details of what went into the building of the temple. The ‘foundation stones’ were large and costly. Remember, Solomon was said to have ‘largeness of heart’. In the New Testament the Apostles are called the foundation stones of Gods spiritual temple. Peter calls us living stones. Let’s do a little house cleaning; in all areas of church renewal/reformation, we need to be careful when handling the foundation stones. In some efforts to reform [Emergent] there is an attempt to return to the teachings of Jesus, as opposed to Paul. The problem with this effort is the historic church [and scripture!] teach us that Jesus appeared to Paul [Acts 9] and told him he would be a witness of the things that Jesus would reveal to him. So if the revelation/teaching from Paul on the atonement and the substitutionary sacrifice of Christ, if these teachings are things that were shown to Paul from Jesus himself [which I believe they were] then to ignore them would be like removing the ‘foundation stones’ of the temple. These are ‘large stones’ [doctrines accepted across the broad stream of Christian churches; Catholic, Orthodox, Reformed, Radical Reformers, etc...] large stones that form the foundation of all Christian truth, C.S. Lewis’s ‘common hall’ if you will [though Lewis himself said some shaky stuff on the atonement]. I want to restate that we sometimes confuse the foundational doctrines of Christianity with the limited practices of Christianity that have developed over the centuries. We need to understand/embrace the ‘faith once delivered to the saints’ while at the same time being flexible in the various structures that Christians have developed over the centuries to express their faith. As we challenge ‘high church’ [liturgical] structures, we need to be careful that we are not also challenging the heart of the gospel as well. I have heard/read too many statements from certain reformers that are way too pluralistic in their expression of the gospel. Denials of the Cross being the key mechanism that God chose to use to redeem man [foundation stones!] Or the mistake of thinking that the Cross was simply a display of the injustices of man, a challenge to unjust governments oppressing men. While the apostle Peter does teach us that the Cross was a display/example left to us on how we should react to suffering and oppression, yet it wasn’t ONLY that. It was also a redemptive sacrifice made on the behalf of sinful men; ‘Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures’ [Corinthians]. Well, lets just keep in mind that as God’s ‘living temple’ we are being built upon the foundation of the Apostles and Prophets [Ephesians] Jesus himself being the ‘chief corner stone’, be careful when messing with the stones!

    GLOBAL WARMING- I wrote better posts on this before- I can’t find them now. But being I spoke about it some on the video- I’ll paste them here. I wrote these years ago- but they still apply-

(1321) WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL COPENHAGEN!  Today the president jets off to Copenhagen for the closing of the world summit on global warming. He originally was going to go at the start but the politicos figured if he went at the end he might be able to undo the last failed Copenhagen venture- getting turned down for the next Olympic Games at Chicago. But what has happened instead is the summit has been a disaster. Why? First you of course had the nuts in the streets destroying stuff, but more importantly you had some major disagreements between the nations attending. The poorer nations actually walked out at one point because they want the industrialized world to fund them at 100 billion dollars for their part in cutting greenhouse gases, the rich countries are pledging 10 billion. China and India, 2 of the greatest polluters on the planet [they make up a total of 80 % of all the pollutants] are not willing to sign a binding agreement which can be verified. Why? These countries are at the beginning of their own industrial revolutions, they still have many years of rapid growth ahead before their overall population benefits from their growth. India has many people still in the extreme poverty class and for all practical purposes you are asking  them to trade much of the future of their country for a possible fraction of a degree of global warming over hundred a year period. I mean it’s really a cost/benefit scenario. Now, am I a global warming denier? No. the science seems pretty clear, the nations of the world have gone thru an industrial age and the effects of burning coal and other dirty energy have produced lots of green house gasses that get trapped in the atmosphere and cause the heat to stay in. Not too hard to understand. So what’s the problem, well we don’t really know for sure how much of an overall effect we can have over the long haul. For instance our planet has gone thru at least one ice age and we have only been keeping global heat records for a short time. We don’t know if the earth goes thru thousand year cycles of cooling and heating that we could have little effect on. For instance if we are on a warming trend, and say the planet is going to warm so many degrees over the next thousand years, well maybe our efforts at cooling it less than one degree in the overall scheme really doesn’t count for much. Then there is the real cost/benefits analysis- I’m not talking profits for industry, but real questions on whether or not the global community should sink trillions of dollars over many years into this project, which might not save too many lives; or sink the money into these 3rd world countries who have hundreds of thousands of kids dying because they simply don’t have the money to feed them or provide them with cheap vaccines. This same money today can save so many lives. A serious global warming believer has done the analysis and believes it simply is not feasible to spend the money on the global warming efforts. If we had the extra billions to spend, sure let’s do it. But if we are doing it at the expense of real time lives, then it’s simply foolish. Last night I watched a documentary on the logging business in the Amazon, how so many poorer areas have learned the trade of tree chopping and have lifted themselves out of poverty by cutting down the trees. Now lots of the Amazon has been destroyed and it is an environmental disaster to some degree. So they started this fund that pays the tree choppers more money to not cut the trees. As they interviewed this brother who seemed to be on the lower income scale of society, they showed you him with his used chain saw and his truck and all the ‘blessings’ he has reaped from his new found job; they asked him why he won’t stop chopping thee trees. He said they don’t want to get paid for doing nothing. Ouch! They rather cut the trees and feel industrious than take the free welfare money that the west wants to appease them with. What a lesson for the victim hood mentality of the west. The reporter drove down the road to an Indian tribal area that never cut the trees; they always respected the land and lived off of fishing and hunting. What did their chief say? That they are not getting money because they have always preserved the trees, therefore they will start chopping the trees so the west will pay them to stop. What’s going on here? We have many well meaning people on both sides of all these issues, overall we have to be realistic about this stuff. Poor countries are not going to sacrifice their people on the altar of global warming science when they are not sure their efforts will really pay off in the long run, many of them attended the summit because they were simply hoping the rich countries would give them money. Rich western nations can’t expect to impose these types of restrictions on developing nations, it’s just unrealistic. And last of all the president just told us the country will go bankrupt if we don’t pass the latest version of health reform; you know, the version with no public option, no Medicare buy in, no real control over what the insurance companies will charge us. This bill has now become a bad bill as far as I can tell, then what in the heck are we doing making the second trip to Copenhagen in the last few months? The president used to say he was not like the last administration, he could walk and chew gum at the same time- I’m beginning to wonder about that.

[parts]

Last night I had a rough night, I thought I would skip the Monday morning intercession time, I do pray regularly during the week and figured it would be no big deal. But when I got up [a few hours ago] I felt the Lord wanted me to pray, so I did the normal intercession thing [3:30-5-5:30]. I read earlier in Luke 11 where Jesus is accused of casting out demons by the devil, he then corrects the accusers and says when a strong man is in control of his house, his goods are at peace, but when a stronger man comes upon him and overcomes him, he robs him of his goods. During my prayer time I quote lots of stuff, one of the regular quotes is ‘strengthen the bars of our gates, bless our children within, let peace be within our borders and let out garners be filled, providing all manner of store’. I felt like the Lord was telling me that when we pray we are ‘binding the strongman’ and ‘our goods’ [the people/communities we are working with] experience peace. Jesus said when the leader is leading his ‘goods are at peace’ I thought this was interesting. I at first felt like I was the one who was being overcome by the strongman, having a tough day and all, but then I felt like the lord was saying ‘no, when you persevere in prayer, you are overcoming his goods!’ [The people he holds in bondage]. Jesus also gives the famous quote ‘a house divided against itself can not stand’ I think Lincoln quoted this during the Civil war. As of today [7-09] I feel this is a sad description of the political environment of our country. I am not a conservative per se, or a liberal! But as a Christian I think we should be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. I want national heal care! I don’t have any medical coverage for myself right now, so yeah, I want it. Our country is in pretty bad financial shape right now, don’t let the media fool you. We have sent representatives to China and other nations that lend us money, we have asked them to please not cut us off as borrowers, this my friends is not a good thing. California has the eight biggest economy, in the world! They are giving out i.o.u’s for heavens sake! I am not an alarmist, but you would have to be blind to think that things are all right, and yet the politicians are making decisions based on their political interests. I know our president means well, but it is simply irresponsible to try and initiate a trillion dollar national health plan at this time, he realizes this, but they still talk about it as a possible option. Or to be the only country that passes ‘cap and trade’ laws [cutting back pollution- or simply new laws to make more money for the govt.] as of now the bill has passed in the house, but is having problems with the conservatives in the senate [Democrats and Republicans]. Obama just went to the G-8 [meetings with the top industrial nations] and not a single nation would bind itself to any pollution control mandates. But they agreed to ‘try not let the world temperature rise by more than a few degrees over the next 50 years’ wow, what a deal! The whole point being these other industrial nations laugh at us for doing what we do. In a time of national economic crisis, you cant pass laws that would put an extra burden on any type of business in the U.S. Now, I believe the environment is important, but we our not ‘the globe’! Global warming is warming effecting ‘the globe’ if the other nations on the globe don’t give a rip, we are fooling ourselves by strapping our nation with restrictions, we cant change the global environment by ourselves. Now to be doing all this at a time where the world markets are thinking of raising our debt risk is truly irresponsible. Then why are  we doing it? Because the political wars are on and each side wants to score points with it’s base, truly sad. Lincoln quoted Jesus and realized that a nation divided against itself would not stand, I fear we are looking like that nation more and more each day.

  [parts]

 VERSES- [The verses I taught- or quoted on today’s post KINGS 7]

John 14:2

In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

Proverbs 24:3

Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

1 Corinthians 9:24

Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

Psalm 19:13

Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

Isaiah 43:13

Yea, before the day was I am he; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand: I will work, and who shall let it?

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

Psalm 118:24 [Full Chapter]

This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

James 1:5

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

In Context | Full Chapter | Other Translations

1Kings 7:1 But Solomon was building his own house thirteen years, and he finished all his house.

1Kings 7:2 He built also the house of the forest of Lebanon; the length thereof was an hundred cubits, and the breadth thereof fifty cubits, and the height thereof thirty cubits, upon four rows of cedar pillars, with cedar beams upon the pillars.

1Kings 7:3 And it was covered with cedar above upon the beams, that lay on forty five pillars, fifteen in a row.

1Kings 7:4 And there were windows in three rows, and light was against light in three ranks.

1Kings 7:5 And all the doors and posts were square, with the windows: and light was against light in three ranks.

1Kings 7:6 And he made a porch of pillars; the length thereof was fifty cubits, and the breadth thereof thirty cubits: and the porch was before them: and the other pillars and the thick beam were before them.

1Kings 7:7 Then he made a porch for the throne where he might judge, even the porch of judgment: and it was covered with cedar from one side of the floor to the other.

1Kings 7:8 And his house where he dwelt had another court within the porch, which was of the like work. Solomon made also an house for Pharaoh's daughter, whom he had taken to wife, like unto this porch.

1Kings 7:9 All these were of costly stones, according to the measures of hewed stones, sawed with saws, within and without, even from the foundation unto the coping, and so on the outside toward the great court.

1Kings 7:10 And the foundation was of costly stones, even great stones, stones of ten cubits, and stones of eight cubits.

1Kings 7:11 And above were costly stones, after the measures of hewed stones, and cedars.

1Kings 7:12 And the great court round about was with three rows of hewed stones, and a row of cedar beams, both for the inner court of the house of the LORD, and for the porch of the house.

1Kings 7:13 And king Solomon sent and fetched Hiram out of Tyre.

1Kings 7:14 He was a widow's son of the tribe of Naphtali, and his father was a man of Tyre, a worker in brass: and he was filled with wisdom, and understanding, and cunning to work all works in brass. And he came to king Solomon, and wrought all his work.

1Kings 7:15 For he cast two pillars of brass, of eighteen cubits high apiece: and a line of twelve cubits did compass either of them about.

1Kings 7:16 And he made two chapiters of molten brass, to set upon the tops of the pillars: the height of the one chapiter was five cubits, and the height of the other chapiter was five cubits:

1Kings 7:17 And nets of checker work, and wreaths of chain work, for the chapiters which were upon the top of the pillars; seven for the one chapiter, and seven for the other chapiter.

1Kings 7:18 And he made the pillars, and two rows round about upon the one network, to cover the chapiters that were upon the top, with pomegranates: and so did he for the other chapiter.

1Kings 7:19 And the chapiters that were upon the top of the pillars were of lily work in the porch, four cubits.

1Kings 7:20 And the chapiters upon the two pillars had pomegranates also above, over against the belly which was by the network: and the pomegranates were two hundred in rows round about upon the other chapiter.

1Kings 7:21 And he set up the pillars in the porch of the temple: and he set up the right pillar, and called the name thereof Jachin: and he set up the left pillar, and called the name thereof Boaz.

1Kings 7:22 And upon the top of the pillars was lily work: so was the work of the pillars finished.

1Kings 7:23 And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.

1Kings 7:24 And under the brim of it round about there were knops compassing it, ten in a cubit, compassing the sea round about: the knops were cast in two rows, when it was cast.

1Kings 7:25 It stood upon twelve oxen, three looking toward the north, and three looking toward the west, and three looking toward the south, and three looking toward the east: and the sea was set above upon them, and all their hinder parts were inward.

1Kings 7:26 And it was an hand breadth thick, and the brim thereof was wrought like the brim of a cup, with flowers of lilies: it contained two thousand baths.

1Kings 7:27 And he made ten bases of brass; four cubits was the length of one base, and four cubits the breadth thereof, and three cubits the height of it.

1Kings 7:28 And the work of the bases was on this manner: they had borders, and the borders were between the ledges:

1Kings 7:29 And on the borders that were between the ledges were lions, oxen, and cherubims: and upon the ledges there was a base above: and beneath the lions and oxen were certain additions made of thin work.

1Kings 7:30 And every base had four brasen wheels, and plates of brass: and the four corners thereof had undersetters: under the laver were undersetters molten, at the side of every addition.

1Kings 7:31 And the mouth of it within the chapiter and above was a cubit: but the mouth thereof was round after the work of the base, a cubit and an half: and also upon the mouth of it were gravings with their borders, foursquare, not round.

1Kings 7:32 And under the borders were four wheels; and the axletrees of the wheels were joined to the base: and the height of a wheel was a cubit and half a cubit.

1Kings 7:33 And the work of the wheels was like the work of a chariot wheel: their axletrees, and their naves, and their felloes, and their spokes, were all molten.

1Kings 7:34 And there were four undersetters to the four corners of one base: and the undersetters were of the very base itself.

1Kings 7:35 And in the top of the base was there a round compass of half a cubit high: and on the top of the base the ledges thereof and the borders thereof were of the same.

1Kings 7:36 For on the plates of the ledges thereof, and on the borders thereof, he graved cherubims, lions, and palm trees, according to the proportion of every one, and additions round about.

1Kings 7:37 After this manner he made the ten bases: all of them had one casting, one measure, and one size.

1Kings 7:38 Then made he ten lavers of brass: one laver contained forty baths: and every laver was four cubits: and upon every one of the ten bases one laver.

1Kings 7:39 And he put five bases on the right side of the house, and five on the left side of the house: and he set the sea on the right side of the house eastward over against the south.

1Kings 7:40 And Hiram made the lavers, and the shovels, and the basons. So Hiram made an end of doing all the work that he made king Solomon for the house of the LORD:

1Kings 7:41 The two pillars, and the two bowls of the chapiters that were on the top of the two pillars; and the two networks, to cover the two bowls of the chapiters which were upon the top of the pillars;

1Kings 7:42 And four hundred pomegranates for the two networks, even two rows of pomegranates for one network, to cover the two bowls of the chapiters that were upon the pillars;

1Kings 7:43 And the ten bases, and ten lavers on the bases;

1Kings 7:44 And one sea, and twelve oxen under the sea;

1Kings 7:45 And the pots, and the shovels, and the basons: and all these vessels, which Hiram made to king Solomon for the house of the LORD, were of bright brass.

1Kings 7:46 In the plain of Jordan did the king cast them, in the clay ground between Succoth and Zarthan.

1Kings 7:47 And Solomon left all the vessels unweighed, because they were exceeding many: neither was the weight of the brass found out.

1Kings 7:48 And Solomon made all the vessels that pertained unto the house of the LORD: the altar of gold, and the table of gold, whereupon the shewbread was,

1Kings 7:49 And the candlesticks of pure gold, five on the right side, and five on the left, before the oracle, with the flowers, and the lamps, and the tongs of gold,

1Kings 7:50 And the bowls, and the snuffers, and the basons, and the spoons, and the censers of pure gold; and the hinges of gold, both for the doors of the inner house, the most holy place, and for the doors of the house, to wit, of the temple.

1Kings 7:51 So was ended all the work that king Solomon made for the house of the LORD. And Solomon brought in the things which David his father had dedicated; even the silver, and the gold, and the vessels, did he put among the treasures of the house of the LORD.

 Zechariah 14:1 Behold, the day of the LORD cometh, and thy spoil shall be divided in the midst of thee.

Zechariah 14:2 For I will gather all nations against Jerusalem to battle; and the city shall be taken, and the houses rifled, and the women ravished; and half of the city shall go forth into captivity, and the residue of the people shall not be cut off from the city.

Zechariah 14:3 Then shall the LORD go forth, and fight against those nations, as when he fought in the day of battle.

Zechariah 14:4 And his feet shall stand in that day upon the mount of Olives, which is before Jerusalem on the east, and the mount of Olives shall cleave in the midst thereof toward the east and toward the west, and there shall be a very great valley; and half of the mountain shall remove toward the north, and half of it toward the south.

Zechariah 14:5 And ye shall flee to the valley of the mountains; for the valley of the mountains shall reach unto Azal: yea, ye shall flee, like as ye fled from before the earthquake in the days of Uzziah king of Judah: and the LORD my God shall come, and all the saints with thee.

Zechariah 14:6 And it shall come to pass in that day, that the light shall not be clear, nor dark:

Zechariah 14:7 But it shall be one day which shall be known to the LORD, not day, nor night: but it shall come to pass, that at evening time it shall be light.

Zechariah 14:8 And it shall be in that day, that living waters shall go out from Jerusalem; half of them toward the former sea, and half of them toward the hinder sea: in summer and in winter shall it be.

Zechariah 14:9 And the LORD shall be king over all the earth: in that day shall there be one LORD, and his name one.

Zechariah 14:10 All the land shall be turned as a plain from Geba to Rimmon south of Jerusalem: and it shall be lifted up, and inhabited in her place, from Benjamin's gate unto the place of the first gate, unto the corner gate, and from the tower of Hananeel unto the king's winepresses.

Zechariah 14:11 And men shall dwell in it, and there shall be no more utter destruction; but Jerusalem shall be safely inhabited.

Zechariah 14:12 And this shall be the plague wherewith the LORD will smite all the people that have fought against Jerusalem; Their flesh shall consume away while they stand upon their feet, and their eyes shall consume away in their holes, and their tongue shall consume away in their mouth.

Zechariah 14:13 And it shall come to pass in that day, that a great tumult from the LORD shall be among them; and they shall lay hold every one on the hand of his neighbour, and his hand shall rise up against the hand of his neighbour.

Zechariah 14:14 And Judah also shall fight at Jerusalem; and the wealth of all the heathen round about shall be gathered together, gold, and silver, and apparel, in great abundance.

Zechariah 14:15 And so shall be the plague of the horse, of the mule, of the camel, and of the ass, and of all the beasts that shall be in these tents, as this plague.

Zechariah 14:16 And it shall come to pass, that every one that is left of all the nations which came against Jerusalem shall even go up from year to year to worship the King, the LORD of hosts, and to keep the feast of tabernacles.

Zechariah 14:17 And it shall be, that whoso will not come up of all the families of the earth unto Jerusalem to worship the King, the LORD of hosts, even upon them shall be no rain.

Zechariah 14:18 And if the family of Egypt go not up, and come not, that have no rain; there shall be the plague, wherewith the LORD will smite the heathen that come not up to keep the feast of tabernacles.

Zechariah 14:19 This shall be the punishment of Egypt, and the punishment of all nations that come not up to keep the feast of tabernacles.

Zechariah 14:20 In that day shall there be upon the bells of the horses, HOLINESS UNTO THE LORD; and the pots in the LORD's house shall be like the bowls before the altar.

Zechariah 14:21 Yea, every pot in Jerusalem and in Judah shall be holiness unto the LORD of hosts: and all they that sacrifice shall come and take of them, and seethe therein: and in that day there shall be no more the Canaanite in the house of the LORD of hosts.

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[nisitime]

Random personal cause im bored

1. Name: Just call me Nisi <3

2. Birthplace: Portugal

3. Ancestry: nhé

4. Zodiac Sign: Gemini

5. Biggest fear: the dark

6. Strength/Weakness:im super patient / i cry easly

7. Worst habit:mumbling

8. Favorite holiday: hmmm...x.mas? idk i like free days in general

9. Ever been in a car crash:nop

10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: yes

11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: take my shoes off

12. Age at first kiss:14/15??? dont really remember CAUSE IT SUCKED

13. When did you fall in love for the first time: school

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: PFFF longest friends ahaha

15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: getting my sale site to work

16. What were you doing at midnight last night: working and talking with friends

17. When was the last time you laughed hard: right now

18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: my bf

19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: text bf

20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: hmmm walk in the park i think with my 1 bf

21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: never was but i loved my cusin’s wedding <3

22. Who did you see in concert first:my bf? idk

23. Who was your favorite teacher:UFF i have too many? but i like my actual museum teacher <3

24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day:my bf

25. Who do you think about most: my bf (fuck)

26. Is your ideal occupation? drawing memes

27. Beer, wine, or liquor? liquor

28. Favourite restaurant? the restaurant dont my street its called Pana Cota

29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? ALL OF THEM but maybe coffee

30. McDonlads or Burger King? Mac

31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Rock Lee and Nico (oh god)

32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? never

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? nothing

34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? Diana <3

35. How many pets do you have? none

36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? i fucking credit card

37. When was the first time you smoked? never

38. Who last sent you a text? my bf

39. Who did you last send a text to? my bf

40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? a boat, a map, food, those light guns for s.o.s

41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? my mom, my bf, my brother

42. Favorite song? dont have one but im super into Ken Ashcorp

43. Favorite movie? hmmm Spirited Away maybe? nostalgia is a fucked up thing

44. When did you last cuddle someone? yesterday

45. When did you last have sex? yesterday (making love tho)

46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? TURN OFF ALL LIGHTS

47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? not being ok anymore, i dont cause everything passes with time <3

48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? i dont know most of them :V

49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? my ex friend that still fucks with my head

50. Where would you take a road trip? hmmm Porto

51. How do Mondays feel for you? nhé dont bother

52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? DUDE HOW CAN U BE SO AMAZING

53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? buddy u ok also u cute and ull be fine <3 dont worry about your legs cause damn thighs

54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? being ok with myself

55. What scares you about your future? not finding a stable job, not getting a house or any money :c

56. Why does pizza come in a square box? cause square boxes are easier to make?

57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? i would do everything

58. How does it feel to be photographed? if i allow its amazing if not its awkward and upsetting

59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? the ones i crawled for my ex like a dog

60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? no, im to stressfull and have too much anxiety

61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? first one

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? be happy on my own house and drawing for fun <3

63. What are you thankful for, this moment? being happy and appreciated

64. Do you have same sex fantasies? not really ?

65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? i didnt

66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? yes before and after

67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? my bf he is only 4 months older tho

68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? my 1 ex with 6 months difference

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? none! but dominant is cool

70. How tall are you?  1.73M 

71. How much do you weigh?  60k  

72. What color is your hair naturally?   Dark brown

73. What size jeans do you wear?  40 and 42 (big legs and butts) 

74. What is your favorite color to wear?   to wear i like dark red or yellow but i love purple 

75. Do you have any piercings?    i wish

76. Do you have any tattoos?    no

77. Do you care how other people see you? alot   

78. Do you like sports?    i do

79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships?   if its not astonomic its ok

80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships?    i dont mind i love everyone <3

81. Do you believe in karma or fate?    i do

82. Do you keep a journal?    not anymore only when i was depressed

83. Describe the last dream you remember:   nazis bombing the place i was ...

84. Describe your favorite dream: i like those calm ones where im just chilling  

85. Where are some places you would like to visit?    japan and italy and france

86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?    fucking gorillaz but they dont come to portugal for 15 years

87. What music do you listen to when you are happy?    all kinds of music tbh

88. What music do you listen to when you are mad?    all kinds? im never mad

89. Do you like to burn candles or incense?    nah, they make my nose weird

90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?    hmm champagne?

91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages?    i dont really drink so i think i dont have one

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? none im an angel

93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there?    my bf cause he’s super happy for me to be me

94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?    yes

95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with?  oh god no! only if single

96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? on both

97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? i wish

98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? nop

99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? yes

100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? everyone is ok <3 i love everyone

101. How often do you brush your teeth? everyday

102. How often do you shower?  When was the last time you had a shower?day yes day no, yesterday

103. How often do you shave your legs? when i have to

104. Political affiliation? nop

105. Opinion on abortion? if ur not in condions to have a kid then do it

106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? if u need do it, just be nice to ppl

107. Should prostitution be legalized?    sure?

108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? i would ask

109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? sometimes we do stuff we dont like to achive something good!

110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? no more war pls

111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? drawing and hugs

112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? porto maybe!

114. Why are you the person you are? i dont fucking know!

115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? yes

116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? different conditions prolly

117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? fart in public

118. Were you happy when you woke up today? i guess?

119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? he loves me?

120. Want someone back in your life? yes

121. What are you excited for? new upcoming anime conventions

122. Are you scared to fall in love? nop

123. When is your next road trip? this friday to monday

124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? eat

125. Do you like to cuddle? yup loads

126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? nop

127. Plans for tomorrow? school and work

128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? too much unfortunatlly

129. How is life going for you right now? great yet stressfull

130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? sure?

131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? my bf

132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? doing it for 2 years now

133. If you could have one super power what would it be? supa fast so i could finish the fucking essay

134. Background on your cell phone? yes scott pilgrim foto

135. What are you thinking about right this second? about responding this

136. Last book you read? How was it? harry potter the number 6 loved it

137. What is the last thing you bought? food

138. Do you live with your parents?  yes

139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? not really

140. Have you ever met a celebrity? yes

141. What are you like when you’re drunk? i dont get drunk

142. What are you like when you’re high? i dont get high

143. Do you want children? yes

144. Do you want a church wedding? no

145. How many pillows do you sleep with? 1

146. Have you ever been scuba diving? no

147. Who was your first real crush? a stupid guy

148. What are you allergic to? spring in general

149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? yes gonçalo,henrique,mariana

150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? either is fine <3

151. How did you get your name? mom chose

152. Name one thing about your body you love? my cheeks and freckles

153. What is your biggest goal in life? getting money to live without help

154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? NOP HE WISHED

155. Do you think aliens are real? yes

156. What age did you start drinking? I DONT DRINK! its only on special ocasions

157. What do you think of President Obama? he cool and sweet

158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yes

159. Describe your dream girl/guy? girl-smaller than me or same high, short or medium size hair, dark brown hair (or ginger)and eye color, a lil curvy/chubby guy- talelr than me, big! like a bear! dark hair and eyes

160. Story of your first kiss?

he asked me if i kissed before and i lied saying yes we kissed LOL

161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? SAME THING

162. Story of the first time you had sex?

mutual concent with my bf at the time and we did it but as soon and i bled we stopped

163. When did you first have sex?

age 16? I THINK i dont remember dates!!!

164. First time you gave/ received oral sex?

same age

165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?

no

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)?

rock lee still best babe

168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? What about twitter/ instagram?

175 tumblr and 200 and something on twitter i think

169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook?

nop

170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person?

11º grade

171. Do you talk to yourself?

all the time

172. How old will you be on your next birthday?

21

173. How did you meet the last person you kissed?

twitter and memes

174. Do you have any hickies? not right now

175. Turn ons? gentle touches

176. Turn offs?stupid  jokes in the middle

177. What qualities did you get from your mom? nose up is my moms, im caring and loving and defend my loved ones

178. What qualities did you get from your dad? didnt had the chance to know but..im tall?

179. How many siblings do you have? 1 brother

180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? yes

[lalobalives]

*An essay a week in 2017*

I’m late on this one. I’ve been processing. I’m still processing. I just got back from Tin House where I worked with the phenomenal Lidia Yuknavitch. If you don’t know who she is, I encourage you to pick up her memoir The Chronology of Water (check out Roxane Gay’s review of it here). That book shifted me when I read it last spring. It gave me the permission to write my memoir the way I want to write it. (While you wait for the book to arrive, because I assume you’ve order it by now, right?, read her essay “Woven” in Guernica.)

Instead of telling you how fuckin amazing that workshop was (because it was so dope, amongst the best workshops I’ve ever had, and I’ve had a quite a few so that says a lot), I’ll show you something I produced, because, yes, Lidia didn’t just workshop the pieces we submitted beforehand, she had us generate work too. Thanks again Lidia! I love you. 

Lidia said: Locate a place where you came into consciousness. Pick one. Write about the placeness. What was it about your body that you knew you had a consciousness shift.

I wrote:

I’m in the backyard. I’m up in the plum tree. I look over at the junkyard next door. One of the feral cats has had kittens. I will go in later to catch them and play with them and pull the bugs off of them. Squash them between my thumb and index finger. The kittens will claw at me, scratch my arms. I will let them. They will learn that I will protect them and scratch them behind the ears. I will make them purr. Sneak them some milk in a bowl. Mom can’t see me. She’ll beat me if she does. Tell me she doesn’t buy milk for those malditos gatos.

I hear mom in the kitchen. I wonder when she will go out for a smoke or to El Faro, the supermarket down the block. She climbs out the window and goes to soil. I’ve seen her watching the yard. She was plotting but I don’t know what.

She looks up at me and sighs. “Te vaz a caer d’alli un dia. No creas que te voy a llevar al hospital.” Grumbles: “Machuda” befores she turns her attention to the ground and starts pulling at the weeds that up to her knees. She does this for hours, for days. When she finishes each day, her face and clothes are streaked with dirt and sweat.   

Mom will plant a garden in the yard that spring. She will grow tomatoes and peppers, eggplant and squash, spices like rosemary and cilantro.

I will watch as she treats those seeds and plants with a tenderness she rarely shows me.

She won’t let me help her in the garden. That is her space. Her project. I will watch from my branch in the tree. Mid-summer, I will pluck a yellow plum off a branch and chew on it as I watch mom. The bitterness will burn my tongue and make me wince. I will keep chewing, grab another and bite down. Let it burn me.

Lidia asked: What’s the story underneath?

She will ask for volunteers to read. I will look around the room. The other five writers are looking around the room too. I think: Fuck it. I’ll share. 

When I choke up when Lidia asks: What’s the story underneath. I know it, of course. The story underneath…

That I’ve always longed for and still long for my mother.

Later, when a writer apologizes for crying, Lidia will tell her never to apologize for her tears. She will tell us about her Lithuanian grandmother, who said “crying is the only language she trusted because it was the language of the body.”

***

Tin House Winter Workshops are held on Newport Beach, Oregon, three hours outside of Portland. The drive is gorgeous, through farm country and forest. And when you arrive, the Pacific greets you with all her majesty. Yemaya of the Pacific has a completely different energy than she of the Atlantic.

I’m processing quite a bit since returning from Tin House. I went into a story this past weekend that I’d willed deep into the recesses of memory. I’d never even written it down anywhere, not in my journals, nowhere, so I was shocked when it came barreling out. It made me realize a few things: 1. That I hadn’t forgiven the girl I was who broke her own heart so many times reliving the “love me, please love me” cycle I learned from my relationship with my mother, and 2. I carry quite a bit of shame around it. As I wrote yesterday and I shook and I cried, I knew I had to tell my partner. Why? She was on her way to pick me up so we could go food shopping, and she knows me so well, we’re so connected, that I knew she would pick up on my energy. I imagined sitting next to her as I penned the story. I imagined her walking into my writing room to check in on me like she does. I imagined her saying, “You okay?” knowing that I wasn’t. She always knows when something is off.

Telling her was the scariest thing. Scarier than exposing myself to the world. I worried: How will she see me? Will her feelings for me change? Can she, will she, still love me after seeing that kind of ugly? So, I told her. I told her minutes after she picked me up. I stared at the grey sky and told her. And she, in turn, held me and reassured me and reminded yet again, that I am safe with her.

Why am I sharing this? Because sometimes process requires that we move slow through the work. That we consider our lives and the people in it. That we confront these kinds of fears. That we let ourselves feel the stories and all that means before we share it with the world.

I keep thinking about what Lidia Yuknavitch asked us the first day of workshop: How many bodies have you been? I didn’t list the body of the girl I was who was so lost she did things that lost girls do. This weekend I learned that I have to forgive that girl. This is the journey.

***

You were 14 when he first said it: “When you’re 16, you’re gonna be mine.” Years later, this will make you tremble, but not in that good way it did back then.

You were 14 and you were fierce. You cut your eyes. You sassed. You said fuck you to the men on the corner who congregated by your grandmother’s apartment building in upper Manhattan. You loved to go there. Not for grandma. She was so much like your mother. When you angered her, sighed or gave attitude, she rolled up the thick Vanidades magazine she had stacked on her coffee table, and slapped you with it. Hard. She always went for your face.

But when you visited grandma, you got cable. There was no cable in Brooklyn then. You got cable TV and you got the boy-men on the corner who blew you kisses and winked and told you you were so so beautiful. And that made you feel special. Beautiful, even. It made you feel seen. All you wanted was to be seen. But you didn’t want them to know that. You didn’t want them to think you weak or fresca or easy. So you curled your lip, and when one of them, the most atrevido of them all, dared to touch your long hair and get too close, you told him off and pushed him away. They laughed. They loved it. And secretly, so did you.

You were 14. They loved the spectacle of you.

But him, what was it about him? He was no different from them. Early 20s. A drug dealer. He smelled of cigarettes and Heineken. They all did. But him. His smile, missing a front tooth. Imperfect like you. The way he looked at you through his thick glasses. The way he made you feel seen. He called you by your name. Vanessa. He walked next to you. Not too close though. He never dared get fresh. He never dared touch you inappropriately. The first time he kissed you, when you were 16, it was so soft. He was so soft. Gentle. Like you were a doll. You so wanted that kind of tenderness.

You gave him a chance because he was soft with you. Because he treated you like you were porcelain. A doll. At least at first he did.

What can you say about that relationship? About your first. He wasn’t your first love. If only you’d stayed with that boy who grew up down the block from you in Brooklyn. The one that was born two days before you. You fell for him when you were 12. You were with him until you were 16. Until the drug dealer. The one who took your virginity. The one they named after an amphibian, because of his bottle bottom glasses and scratchy voice that was like a rasp. But that bottle bottom glasses wearer was a man when he got you. 24 years old, he knew what to say. He knew how to say it. And he knew how to touch you. Where to touch you. He knew to go visit you in Boston where you were attending boarding school. Where you felt the loneliness in the marrow of your bones.

So you lasted years. Your senior year in high school. Your four years at Columbia. And one year after. Until you said: “Ya.” Until you claimed to have woken up. But you hadn’t. You just went on to the next emotionally unavailable man. But that man with the bottle bottom glasses left you scarred. It’s been twenty years since you left him. And still, when you see him, something inside you squirms. You can’t be around him for long without being disgusted. More with yourself than anyone.  

He tried to get you back years ago. After you had your daughter. You were single then. And you still wanted to be loved. Just not by him.

He tried to get you with the same game he got you with when you were 16. Except you were in your 30s by then. You were a mother. You were growing into your writer skin. You’d written a book where the antagonist Fabian was inspired so much by him. Fabian was a drug dealer too and had bottle bottom glasses too. He was vile. He was callous. Later your ex will claim that you wrote the book about him. You will laugh at this. You still laugh at this.

And that day when he cried to you, said he missed you, said you were the love of his life, you again laughed at him. You laughed at his tears. You laughed at him saying, “I can’t believe you had a kid. How could you do that to me?” You will look down at the overnight back that he brought with him and tell him in no uncertain terms: “You are so comin’ home with me.” The fuckin audacity.

You know that so much of what happened in that relationship was your fault. You wince as you type this, but you know it’s still true. Because you allowed him to treat you like that. You allowed all the women, all the nights he didn’t come home. You fought, you accused, you cried, but you stayed.

You will flash to the memory of a night you have tried to forget, and you did for so long, until Tin House, when in her craft talk Melissa Febos asks you to write a list of things you could never write, and then challenges you to write one of them. The memory comes out in the writing.

It is 1994. It’s the fall of your sophomore year at Columbia. You’ve been together two years. He is staying with you in your dorm. He always has since you started at CU. Your first year you buy a futon to accommodate both your bodies. You do it with your first credit card, thus beginning a history of bad credit decisions.

That day he comes home late. So late you have to go down to the front desk to sign him in.  This is before the guards know him so well, they just let him come up. 

You have class early the next morning. He knows this. He doesn’t care.

He will barely look at you in the elevator on the way up to the suite, where you have a single room in an apartment with five other people.

You watch him, your arms crossed over your chest, wondering what he’s done now. He’s already done so much.

You want to be close to him. You want him to love you. Want you. It’s all you’ve ever wanted. For someone to love you. For him to love you.

You smell her later. The other woman. Her perfume and the acrid scent of her body. He didn’t even shower after being with her. You wonder, think: I’m not even worth that?

You want him to think of you when he closes his eyes. Not her. Never her… So you do things with him. To him. As you smell her all the while.

You don’t leave. You will stay with him for another three years. There will be more women. You still stay.

Weeks later, on your way back to your dorm, you will be pulled over by the cops a few blocks from where your dorm is on Claremont Avenue. The cop will tell you to get out of the passenger side of your boyfriend’s green convertible Volkswagen rabbit. You shake in the cold as the officer questions you. His tone changes when you show him your Columbia University ID. You point up the road, say: “I live up there at 47 Claremont. We’re on our way back. I have class in the morning.” He will tell you both to get back in the car and have a good night.

When you park, you watch as the man with the bottle bottom glasses pulls something out from under the seat you were sitting in. It is brick, a kilo of cocaine. You will yell at him. You will rage. You will stay up that night as he sleeps next to you. You will think about how differently that police stop could have gone. How that could have fucked up your entire world. You know he has probably carried drugs in the car before with you in it. You know he will likely do it again. You still don’t leave.  

How do you come to terms with that girl you were who put herself in such danger? Who accepted such treatment? Who didn’t love herself enough to know better? To demand better?

Last night, I went out on my deck and looked up at the moon. I mouthed: I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. I almost believed it.

Relentless Files — Week 57 (#52essays2017 Week 4) *An essay a week in 2017* I'm late on this one. I've been processing. I'm still processing.