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mllenugget · 9 months

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Hello I mcyt fandom-ified la Team du Lundi members and wrote a shit ton of text about it

After exhausting myself on trying to catch up on the current QSMP lore I got a sudden craving for a more familiar and fast paced kind of minecraft content and ended up rewatching all the Team du Lundi's SMP best of's I could find

And while doing so with my brain still hazed in fandom brainrot, I started picking up on minor details or info the players casually dropped, and drew parallels to the French speakers' QSMP counterparts This is going to be a long wordy post I don't even know what I am rambling about and for. Three things you need to be aware of about la Team du Lundi before reading :

Baghera, Antoine and Etoiles are the only QSMP players that are part of la Team du Lundi

As far as I remember the only two elements that suggest that la Team du Lundi's SMP could be canon to QSMP are Antoine being pressured into building another Tower of Shit, and Baghera's infamous fountain being mentioned when she was asked if her character remembers anything from her past before the island

La Team du Lundi's SMP was NOT a roleplaying server, it was just a private survival server for a small circle of friends casually playing together. So whenever I quote someone in this specific post, it is the streamer : there is no character other than the persona the streamer is usually showing on stream, but I just thought it would be fun to interpret certain situations while keeping in mind the QSMP lore. And here goes :

Baghera claims that when she was a kid she strongly believed that she could breathe underwater. The others joke about her having fins

Antoine jokingly tells Baghera he doesn’t need oxygen at all

Antoine claims he will still be alive thousands of years forwards

Antoine’s voice shifts when he wants to appear creepy

Baghera built an aquarium at her place, then helped Antoine build one at his tower, then built a giant swimming pool, then a fountain, then a waterslide- do you see a theme ?

Baghera knows that her skin is actually that of a chick and not a duckling, and calls it so here

Chat said that Baghera has a middle child syndrome, justifying that she bullies Angle Droit because Etoiles bullies her in the first place (Etoiles has also called her « little sister » in a derogatory way)

Etoiles has repeatedly asked people to play Valorant with him at least once

Here's a clip of Etoiles getting languaged in french and owing "a gifted sub in the swear jar"

Unrelated random clip of Etoiles because it creates happy hormones in me brain

Etoiles is regularly refered to as "the warrior"

Etoiles guided the whole group during an expedition to the End and he was literally glowing doing so (enchanted arrows effect) Everyone called him "the guide"

Baghera was the one who gave the final blow to the Enderdragon (and died from magic right after)

Etoiles spent most of his time adventuring in order to bring stuff and gear back to everyone for their builds

Etoiles asked Aypierre for help in order to design a redstone door for his cave which could only open upon solving a puzzle (which was egg & arrow related) (Aypierre was not a member of the server)

Etoiles built a nightclub with the walls and ceiling covered in wardenblocks making it look like a starry sky. He also rehomed Allays holding golden apples inside claiming them to be the souls working for him and that they lived there peacefuly

Etoiles jokingly talks about Antoine acting jealous and violent towards him because Etoiles told him he wanted to go and visit Kameto (who also was not a member of the server)

Baghera (along with Horty) had a rivalry with Joueur du Grenier (host of the server with admin powers) after he decided to build a massive parking lot right next to their house. They countered by covering the whole thing with dirt, followed by JDG building a factory and the two parties went back and forth. Baghera argued that it was stupid because they didnt even have cars to begin with (which is a sentence she reused when talking about Forever's roads) Also she tells JDG that he could've built a seaport instead, which makes JDG contemplate the thought of building an airport (and though he ended up never building it, I am side eyeing the French's plane crash)

At some point JDG wonders about what a roleplaying minecraft server would look like (RPZ 2), to which Baghera replies that she has a hard time picturing the thing "We'd all just build things you see ? I don't think we'd create stories, we would all just be like "I'm a builder, ah you too ? Well awesome, builders, cool"" and I find this to be hilariously ironic (fun fact : Baghera had no idea that QSMP was a roleplaying server when she first joined and often claims she would've taken a different approach with her character had she known right off the gate)

As I was finishing to write this down, these fuckers (/lh) decided to host a closure night for the server as they've never really officially did it, everyone just sort of deserted the server after a while. Baghera, Etoiles and Antoine kept referring to QSMP throughout the night, mostly talking about how weird it felt without mods. Among other meta commentary things

They mentionned Cellbit and Bad multiple times as the group was trying to solve enigmas. Antoine talked about "the cultural sharing" between communities as he taught insults to each others with Mike, Roier and Maximus in their respective languages Multiple more players were namedropped (including eggs) while Antoine was talking about how the server functions

Yes, Baghera and Etoiles kept their QSMP skins. Etoiles with his code corrupted purgatory one, and Baghera with her fading pink disheveled hair (with the addition of her cubito wearing Horty's merch)

Baghera admits that going back to this small familiar vanilla server feels like coming back home to your family during the holidays

Team du Lundi's cameos in QSMP :

Though Pomme has never canonically met JDG (even though most of her parents have talked about him to her at least once), she occasionaly breaks the 4th wall to refer to him. She once compared one of BBH's "vacation" flower shirts with his, and when Foolish and Bad asked her to elaborate (obviously not getting the reference) she proceeded to play JDG's music theme with the flute instead (Also I really feel the need to once more point out how mindblowing it is for your average french speaking viewer to have JDG's intro theme being added to the mod they use in the QSMP because of how anchored it is within french internet pop culture. Like this shit has been existing for 14 fucking years, it's part of the childhood of a lot of us, so to find a clip of British hardcore player Philza peacefuly listening to Mexican egg admin Tallulah play this theme on her flute feels like a multiverse fever dream)

Horty has been on Quesadilla Island through cc!Baghera's account, but neither of them really wanted to justify it RP wise. Baghera just wanted to give her best friend a tour of the island. Horty only got to meet Richarlyson who gave her a tour of Cellbit's castle and made her pick a room (she chose Chaos). She also chatted with Etoiles who tagged along for a bit and (this is obviously justified by it being a one-shot out of roleplay filler episode kind of night) they both already knew each other and were on friendly enough terms to bicker with one another Also she was part of the French speakers Quackity reached out to to invite on the server, but she had to decline because she was very busy at that time (and also not interested) Also also she was Baghera's teammate for that Formula 4 event, and Baghera has discussed it and showed pictures to a couple of islanders, including Richas who was very hyped about it

Another player the viewers were hoping to see on Quackity's server is Mynthos. He exists within the server with the picture of him that hangs in Pomme's art gallery, the cursed animation video that used to play in La France, as well as with Aypierre's health potion factory that bears his name

Angle Droit and Zerator are sometimes namedropped when the French speakers talk with their chat. Angle Droit frequently raids Baghera's and Antoine's streams, and though it has never been confirmed, a lot of viewers theorized that she was the +1 player Baghera and Etoiles wanted to invite on the server had they won the elections.

As for Zera, Etoiles went AFK on QSMP a couple of times in order to test some of Zerator's TrackMania maps (which he later discussed with Pac). I also remember a very trivial conversation Etoiles had with Mouse and Aypierre where he laughed about hurting his back very badly after carrying a fellow streamer during a caritative event, said event was hosted by Zerator (he's also the one judging them with concern from his desk)

I'm done.

Bonus alternative design for Angle Droit because at first I thought she was a fox then it turned out she was a corgi but then she changed it again to a fox and woop

#I wrote down a whole other post just as long as this one to explain my individual thought process behind each designs #Took me weeks to write- had a couple of clips to back up my headcanons #but then I was reading the post again checking for mistakes before realizing #yo just #that is so many words and for what #just let your designs speak for themselves hey trust yourself let there be room for interpretation #if people turn out to be curious well i guess thats what ask box was created for leave it be thats enough #(not) fun fact : I drew those Baghera Etoiles & Antoine designs back in june and the files got corrupted and I lost a week worth of work #if we are mutuals on discord youve mightve heard me whine about this one #mcyt #team du lundi #qsmp #angle droit #hortyunderscore #baghera jones #zerator #etoiles #mynthos #joueur du grenier #antoine daniel #serveur du lundi #my art

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micahulrichdraws · 1 month

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Hey Micah, how were you able to find your audience I need a guide as an emerging artist. Thank you

I get this question a lot, and I think it's the result of how folks view audiences and art fundamentally. I'm typing this out on my lunch break real quick, so apologies for any incoherent rambling/typos. Long story short: your audience is everyone, make your art as accessible as possible, and artistic culture is a crab bucket. Short story long:

Audiences aren't pre-made: that is there's no preexisting fan club for what you're doing, until you've already created your art, put it out there, and left the folks who've seen it wanting more.

When I first started out, I put myself literally anywhere that I could, and linked back to my socials on every image possible. Mostly I just linked back to my Instagram, built a large following there, then branched out to other social media platforms. It's way easier to snowball success once you've had it, and it's the same for social media. Therefore, I decided to use my large Instagram following to help promote my art on Instagram, then promoted my Facebook (same parent company, so the risk of having organic reach throttled was low, and most people who have one have the other) then expanded onto Tumblr (super niche, but tightknit community) and Twitter (was good, now insanely hit or miss and slowly sinking). By targeting one social media platform at a time, it made it so that my marketing was controlled, and wasn't overwhelming.

As for where to put the art itself that links back to your socials, you want to sit around on content aggregation websites and put your work out there. Tons of professors/talking heads in the industry will tell you to put your work in gallerys/shows/art magazines/forums, and those people are insanely wrong. Your audience is the general public, and NOT OTHER ARTISTS. Other artists and your peers will find your work, because they're also on the internet looking at content aggregators, however the general public won't find your art easily in artistic spaces. Why? Because artistic spaces have absolutely ludicrous barriers of entry. Most spaces carry an assumed knowledge of the art, artistic culture, and artistic association. 99% of people haven't spent their time in art school, so they sure as shit ain't spending their time in a gallery that's open two hours a week. Which leads me to my next point: artists tend to have a ton of art already, aren't looking to buy art, meanwhile we live in capitalism so you need money to live, and living is insanely important to making art. The general public will give you actually useful feedback on your art: if a certain composition is a killer, then folks will be breaking down your door to get prints of it. If it sucks, you'll be made super aware. They don't typically have as much art and are looking to buy some.

Your target audience is everyone who sees your art.

Hope that helps!

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evelmiina · 2 months

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I'm going to be asking a lot of artists I follow this question, but how did you develop your style? It SEEMS like most people find their style and stick with it forever, just making improvements and iterations. I tend to work in a lot of different styles because I enjoy doing that, though I know there are things I gravitate towards as well. But I wonder what your journey was and how you got feedback and improved while staying true to what you enjoyed?

Hi, thank you for asking. Sorry I cannot answer shortly it is kinda big subject

My style is just tons of little and big things that add up at some point in a way that simply makes sense to me. It is kind of like a personal sandbox or garden I've built and I can see what I can do there, what to add or remove and what to improve on. In my personal work I rarely ask outsiders for feedback but I am lucky to have partner and friends who I trust give me well constructed comments. Less on the style side and more like "that arm is wonky, here's how to fix it". I've never really had problem of being too swayed or persuaded by someone else's opinion on style or visuals and in fact I used to be a bit bad at taking criticism. I'm really thankful to having received kindness and patience even when I'd get sulky and dramatic. I really started to improve faster when I started to respect fundamental drawing skills, and it didn't take anything away from "me" or "my style". On the contrary. It's not always enjoyable to do art. With any work there are parts that are just processes and execution and after the kind of honeymoon period of simply loving creating, or being energized by new project fades, it becomes more about being able to appreciate parts of it and accepting sometimes it's not very fun I think an artist can have multiple "aha" style moments in their life, where they feel like everything clicks and they want to stay in that sandbox for some time. Internet makes it seem like in order to be good/successful artist one has to be a brand and only do this one thing, but it's not the full picture. I follow many artists who seem content in making just one specific niche, but I don't know what other artistic pursuits they have outside internet. I don't know if that style is their heart and soul, or just something that pays the bills. I post variety of things and I'm aware some have much wider appeal and some feel more interesting only to myself. I still try to pursue what feels most honest to myself and it is sometimes scary not knowing where it goes, feeling like I should stay safe and only focus on the successful thing. But I want to incorporate new things and see what comes out.

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spaceorphan18 · 27 days

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The Lady Whistledown Papers: 1x06 Swish (Part 5)

Welcome back, Gentle Readers, to The Lady Whistledown Papers, where I’m taking an in-depth look at Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton’s character arcs and romance within the show Bridgerton!

For previous issues, follow tag : The Lady Whistledown Papers

Alright, let's wrap this episode up ;)

Letters

I want to know what book she's not actually reading. Also, picture of me every evening, if we're being honest...

She looks so cute in her fake sickness, I wanna just take all the screencaps!

So. Portia. She comes in going on about some dinner invitation that she's happy to have. Portia just thrives on being in society, and now that Colin and Marina's engagement has hit the ton, people are asking her to dinner all over the place. And, apparently Portia enjoys having spite invitations just so she can laugh in the host's face.

Penelope has other things to do. And she's got a very short amount of time to do it. So she fakes being sick to get out of social obligations so she can get some work done.

The timeline on this is interesting, though... The Featheringtons had dinner with the Bridgertons -- Colin told Marina give him a day. So, this is the next day/evening? So the end of this episode actually takes place on the morning after this one? So, Colin needed over a day for his plans to work out? Idk, time in this world is a little wonky sometimes, and I don't always feel like I know when I am.

I kind of love Pen's nervous determination. I love that she's sneaking around in her own home. She isn't sure exactly what she's looking for -- but she's gotta find something that'll stop this wedding.

Penelope is an adorable, yet terrible snoop. She goes through all of Marina's shit hoping to find.... something? I don't think she even knows. What she does find is Marina's suitcase packed and ready to go. And Penelope gets it -- she gets that Marina is going to run away with Colin, which makes her even more frantic. But girl... you gotta clean up your mess when you're going through people's stuff. She leaves everything everywhere -- Marina will definitely know something's happened in her room.

Anyway... what Penelope also finds is a bunch of letters stuffed in the back of her drawer, and upon looking at them, figures out that the one final letter sent by George is a forgery. I mean, I give this girl some credit, because that's some serious detective shit being able to figure that out based on one signature that's slightly off. But she is a writer, and there's a chance she's savvy enough to notice the content of the letter isn't in character, either.

Alright, so by the time Marina returns (from dinner?) Penelope has put Marina's stuff back in place. Good girl. Also, how long has she been sitting there waiting?

Anyway, so Marina is a little wtf about Penelope being in there and going through her stuff, but Penelope is so excited, she doesn't even wait for Marina to get done scolding her. She blurts out that the signatures don't match, and that she found a letter in her mother's handwriting to compare, to show that Portia was the one who did the forgery of George's letter.

Penelope is so excited about this development, she's practically bouncing. There is a way out of this mess without anyone getting too hurt! (I mean, technically, Colin's getting hurt but this would be less hurtful than what is going to happen, and way less than what would happen if he married Marina.)

And here's where the story really takes a turn. Penelope is excited, because she's found a way to save Colin, but also... she loves romance. And this proves that George never turned Marina away, that there's a possibility that George still loves her, that Marina can also get her happy ending with someone she actually does love. This development is important because it plays into what Penelope greatly desires herself - a great love story.

Marina is in shock, and really not accepting of all of this. She's skeptical of Penelope's claims, most likely because she's been coming to terms that George broke her heart, and has accepted that he isn't coming for her. And the practical side of her is winning out. George hasn't continued to write (though - would she know if Portia was keeping letters from her?) and Colin is a sure thing. And she just can't take that gamble. She won't take the chance on the possibility of love when she has security in her grasp.

And this just perplexes Penelope. She may be young and naive herself, but love is one of the most important things to her. Why would you not do everything you can to be with the one you love? Why would you not fight for your love? Why would you push it away?

Marina doesn't care. She still feels abandoned, and won't give up her one chance for a safe life. So, she burns the evidence, a symbolic gesture to the ending of that story.

And this is just too much for Penelope. Not only is Marina discarding her last ditch effort to stall the marriage, she's turning her back on love, and Penelope can't with that -- especially when she's in the process of trying to protect her own love from an unhappy life.

So, Penelope just blurts out that she knows Marina has a bag packed and assumes she's on her way to Gretna Green for an elopement, and for the first time, really starts to push back against Marina. What will she do when Colin finds out about the baby? How are you going to deal with the fact that you're really going to hurt him when he figures it all out?

Marina isn't necessarily concerned about that. She knows Colin will care for the baby, and won't kick her to the street, and that ultimately is what matters to her.

Penelope, rather emotional now, digs in. What of Colin? What of him and his feelings -- because they do matter, too.

Cause here's the thing about Pen. If this had been a sincere love match, I do believe she wouldn't have loved watching it go down, but she would have accepted it. She wouldn't have meddled. She's always felt that Colin would never pay her any real attention in the romantic sense, and she's come to terms with that. But this isn't a love match. And Colin is being actively hurt in all of this. And Pen can't help but stick on that point.

And... I kind of love this next beat. Marina stands in silence at Penelope's emotional outburst. The score comes in with its omniums score. Penelope's just showed her heart in a way that she hasn't before. Her love for Colin is a very sacred thing, but one that she tries her best to keep to herself, and it's finally burst through to someone.

(Granted, I'll argue they're all dumb for not noticing it sooner, but this makes for a lovely dramatic moment.)

All the pieces fit together for Marina, and she finally gets it, and says the quiet part out loud -- Penelope is in love with Colin.

The look of shock on Pen's face, though... She tries to reign it in, downplay it, be confused by the accusation. But Marina calls her out on exactly what it is. But this is going to be Marina's ultimate downfall.

Marina does not give Penelope an ounce of sympathy here. She calls Penelope's feelings a "childish infatuation" and an "unrequited fantasy". And believes, most likely because of the situation she's in, that she's more understanding of the world because she's lived more in it.

This conversation is so dense and complex. Do I think Penelope is young and in love with the idea of love? Yes. Do I think Pen's feelings should be dismissed? No. And this is where I think Marina doesn't get it. Because Penelope's feelings aren't entirely ungrounded. Not only has she lived with and managed her feelings for a long, long time, not only has she been realistic about her chances, her feelings aren't entirely unrequited.

Colin might be in his own fantasy land with Marina, but he and Pen have a very real friendship and a very real mutual caring for one another. It might not be in the same way, but it's dismissive not to acknowledge that.

And in a way Marina does, but how she does is actually somewhat cruel. She throws at Pen that Colin thinks of her no more than he thinks of Eloise... but she doesn't stop, she adds not even Eloise, but 'little' Hyacinth. Marina is throwing at her that Colin doesn't just think of her as a sister, but as a little girl who follows him around.

And to add salt to the wound, Marina says that Colin thinks of her as a woman -- as a sexual being as well as a partner, something that Penelope will never have (ha!). And it's just mean.

I get what Marina's doing -- it's part of the self preservation that she's being doing all along, because Marina feels utterly alone and if she can't save herself, no one else will. So she's being purposeful in her confrontation to Penelope. She wants to break Pen's heart. She wants Pen to feel defeated and give up.

And I have to wonder if some of this is self reflection on Marina's part. She feels so jaded and cold from what the world has thrown at her, she almost can't help but dish it out in the same way. It doesn't make it right, but you can understand why she feels the need to do this.

Well, Marina, you just fucked with Lady Whistledown and the man she loves, so you're going to get what's coming to you (which, i'll argue, is the better outcome for her, so it's not really that bad).

And here's where I'll stand up for Pen a bit. Because up until this point she's tried :

Encouraging Marina to keep up her correspondence with George

Appealing to Marina on an empathetic level

Helping Marina find another man who would still be a worthy choice

Going to her mother to try to persuade other options.

Going to Colin and attempting honesty about Marina's feelings for another man, but not spilling the actual pregnancy secret

Trying to prove to Marina that she shouldn't lose hope that the man she loves is actually still out there.

She has tried every avenue, and as I've said before, if Marina had had genuine feelings she would have stepped aside. But Marina has just been somewhat cruel in her actions. And yes, Penelope may be doing this out of her own feelings, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't care about Marina or her well being. Or that she hasn't been trying to help everyone in the situation.

So, Penelope flees, and goes off to write one damning Whistledown article. As Whistledown will say in season three -- when one loses hope, one becomes reckless.

Whistledown

The two plotlines of the episode -- Daphne and Simon's issues and the Marina story are going to collide thematically, and are tied together, rather brilliantly, in the Lady Whistledown voice over, that speaks to both situations.

The narration speaks of love and war and how the human heart is the most fragile of things. And I think, while it's definitely reflecting the intensity of the Daphne and Simon stuff, it hits differently when you know it's Pen. Marina did get to her. Her heart is really broken. But she's going to do what she feels, ultimately, is the right choice -- and reveal Marina's secret.

She knows what it's going to do to Marina, to her family, to Colin, and to the Bridgertons - whom she adores very much. The narration is unsure if it's the right choice, but it feels like the only choice.

This little moment of Pen and Eloise, it's always made me curious. Penelope and Eloise haven't had any kind of contact since their tiff a few episodes earlier, but that's the thing about best friends, is that they'll always be there when you really need them. And Eloise is there to console an utterly broken Pen. I do wonder what she said when Eloise inevitably asks what's wrong because. I wonder if she ends up telling Eloise the truth about Marina's pregnancy and the plans of elopement. Because at this point, that secret doesn't matter, Pen's already told the world.

I have to say, it's a nice little touch of acting that Penelope looks so young, really like a child, as she breaks down.

The Whistledown narration goes on to reveal Marina's secret -- letting the world know she was pregnant not only before she was engaged, but upon arrival to Mayfair.

And i love LOVE the composition of these scenes with the reveal. Colin is ready for his Romeo and Juliet moment, ready to go off and have this romantic adventure, live out his fantasy dreams. And the real world is going to come crashing in.

I kind of love the way Violet and Portia are just standing there, each waiting, each with their own complex looks on their faces as they've both read Whistledown and know. Violet is sad for him, but also frustrated and also a little of... I knew something felt off about this. Portia is just, disappointed and angered.

(Also the contrast of colors in the two scenes -- the Bridgerton blues vs the Featherington yellow/pinks, the lighting is so devastatingly gorgeous in both scenes, it really just amplifies the atmosphere of the moment.)

Colin's world is shattered. Marina looks resigned to her defeat.

And Penelope calls herself out in the narration (even if it's talking about Marina and Daphne as well) -- she knows that she crossed a line with this one. Knows that her actions may be seen as inexcusable. Was what she did worth it? Perhaps time will...

#bridgerton #polin #colin bridgerton #penelope featherington #penelope bridgerton #colin x penelope #polination #the lady whistledown papers #i know the simon/daphne stuff is bad -- it is #but i still think this is my favorite season 1 episode

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nekropsii · 3 months

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On the topic of Eridan Discourse (eridiscourse?) earlier, I typed up a very long ask this morning (brought to mind by the discussion) trying to pinpoint a specific thing about the way the fandom handles transfem Eridan headcanons that rubbed me the wrong way. Instead of sending it I spent the rest of the day pondering it. Because the thing that was nagging me wasnt "people do it in a mocking way" and certainly not "headcanoning characters as transfem is cringe" and I finally figured it out.

(it feels wrong to use he/him in this context/phrasing so she/her it is) I feel like a lot of transfem Eridan content treats her transitioning as a cure-all for her negative qualities (sometimes explicitly as a punchline to the joke! but a lot of the time more subtly too) in a way that doesn't even necessarily come across as transphobic so much as just plain old misogyny. And yes, if you want to explore something like "once she solves this problem for herself she's able to deal with resolving her harmful viewpoints" that's cool and I get it! I might be more onboard with the headcanon if I saw more content that took itself seriously!

But most of the time it comes across as a binary of "girl will not be as shitty as when she was a boy because that is how Girl and Boy genders work" in a similar way to some June characterizations that replace her character traits to make her fit a certain image of "Girl". Beyond that (even in tons of March Eridan doodles that aren't even straight up drawn in the mocking light of the original) I feel like that same issue comes up in a ton of transfem Eridan art--she's just so flattened and sanitized even by people who seem to be genuinely trying to portray her in good faith.

This also kinda brings to mind the occasional discussion I've seen of transfem Cronus which I believe you've commented on before. My guess for most content I've stumbled on of that (including stuff I've seen one of my good friends create!) is that it's a riff on the March Eridan stuff (which afaik is the reason transfem Eridan is popular in the first place) and not taking the implications/fulfilled stereotypes it brings up into account...which (once again) seems to usually be avoided by tidying up the character flaws and ignoring negative actions to create a Good And Proper girl character which. yeah, isn't much better.

Anyways WOOF that got long but hey I think it was somehow originally longer before it became actual analysis. idk, do you think this checks out? ( oh I added some formatting inspired by how you write posts in hopes it makes it easier to follow...)

Yeah, I don't tend to be a fan of transfem!Eridan works - and even some June works - because a lot of people handle it in ways I just find... Iffy. If it's not weirdly oversexualizing a 13 year old, then it's acting like Transition is a magical Cure-All for every single one of your issues as a person. I don't think it's valuable to pretend that realizing you're Queer automatically deletes any prior character flaws. It's harmful, even - plenty of people will discover their gender doesn't line up with what's been expected of them, or that their attractions aren't a part of the cisheterosexual norm, and... Believe themselves to have done all the legwork necessary to wash their hands clean of any other bigotries. Plenty of Queer people are bigots - be that lateral bigotries, or racism, or ableism, or what-have-you - it's more common than anyone wants to admit. There is a reason that the Progress flag exists, you know?

Eridan and June tend to get flattened down to very stereotypical ideas of the gender of "Girl". June's wildly out of character and portrayed more like fanon!Jade, than... Well, herself as she appears in the comic. Eridan's issues are sanded down to the point where all she is is an evocatively posed barely-teenage mannequin in a skimpy outfit. Both of them are regularly portrayed as having had their issues blip out of existence the second they realized they might not be guys. The transfem!Cronus headcanon will never make sense to me and never be morally okay to me. To say Cronus is Transfeminine is just outright violent Transmisogyny, no matter who it's coming from. That's not even a fucking conversation. It isn't a debate. That's not cute. Really? The guy who fakes minority statuses to try to sleep with people? The aggressive, hyper-bigoted sexual predator? The sex pest who isn't above repeatedly sexually targeting children, one of which he is related to? That? You saw that and thought "That's a trans woman"? Really? You're seriously saying that with zero ounce of shame in your body? Go to hell.

Back to June and Eridan - Part of the issue is Misogyny, yes, but I feel another issue coming to play is that a lot of Tumblr seems to view Queerness as inherently Virtuous, rather than a normal thing that people just happen to be sometimes. Tumblr's prone to very... Unwittingly Catholic mindsets, and Queerness being inherently Morally Cleansing is definitely one of them... And it goes... Extremely unchallenged, all of the time. It's pretty grating, honestly.

#homestuck #homestuck fandom #eridan ampora #june egbert #cronus ampora #cw transmisogyny #cw misogyny #nekro.sms

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moonselune · 3 months

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hiii it's revivify anon again (can I be 🐶anon?)

ahhhh your takes for the male companions reactions are so real!!

as a galemancer myself, I absolutely see him going the god route to bring them back. he's probably spin it as something like, "it was my ambition to bring you back. Therefore, i am allowed" (honestly, I could see him becoming so much darker if he brings back his fallen love. He'd probably keep them in a gilded cage of sorts. Always saying that he has their best interests at heart, that he's better and more reliable than all other gods. That no one, god or mortal, could love you better than him, so you should worship him just as much as he worships you... man... the potential.)

Thinking about astarion losing his love just hurts because like... they came and healed his heart only to shatter it all over again? If it was BEFORE the cazador fight, I think he'd definitely ascend himself. Why worry about losing your soul when you've already lost your heart? If it was after the cazador fight, I think he'd just kick himself for letting you convince him not to do it, and eventually circle back to the idea that he should've ascended. Maybe then, he could've saved you....

Oh, Wyll.... I get what you mean about not wanting to immediately go down that route of trading his soul to another Patron. I think if Mizora caught wind, she'd absolutely taunt him with it. Always hanging around like a bad smell, dangling the chance to bring his love back as long as he signs away his soul in a Pact eternal with her. I think as long as he had his friends around, he would be able to stand firm and remember that his lover would've shattered at the idea of him sacrificing himself. I'm not sure if I'm misreading his character or not, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't take another lover. He'd probably 1) blame himself for the loss of their life, and 2) think he isn't worthy of love again, and 3) probably love them until he dies tbh. He wouldn't want another lover, because they wouldn't be his lost love :'(

DARK HALSIN!!! Girl... your mind.... you are so onto something. I could totally see him going shadow druid tbh. He'd probably stop and be like, "you know what? Maybe they were right. Maybe I should've embraced the shadows. Maybe I still should..." or like, if people venture far enough into the woods, they might come across a corpse perfectly preserved as if theyre just sleeping, reeking of druidic magic. There's tons of plants surrounding the body. Some consider it a holy site, some consider it cursed. But all agree not to linger too long, lest the beast that guards it finds you...

CW: Dark Content

Of course 🐶 nonnie !

Oh my god yes yes yes yes, I have done a galemancy run and it was one of my favourites. The way this man would be like "I am doing nothing wrong" and there's just a pile of bodies behind him because he keeps messing up this necromancy spell that requires a sacrifice. Oh my lord and when it finally works and you are alive, back and well. He is overjoyed and is like my love! You have returned! Don't look at all the blood and bodies, just come this way my love! No the outside world will harm you, my love, just follow me! Look at this room it has all your favourites! Those windows have never opened my love, here's your favourite tea!

And he is NEVER going to let it go that he brought you back- ever. You are his masterpiece, the fruits of all his labor, the perfect embodiment of his ambition. He is your creator, you, the perfect creation. You belong to him. You will watch him ascend and you will take your place below beside him.

Resisting is pointless, you wouldn't want to go back to that cruel afterlife. Maybe if you are being particularly ungrateful, you would like a taste of what he rescued you from? Sending you into a spiral of nightmares until all you can do is cling to him in fear. He strokes your hair as you cry and murmurs how all he did was save you from this and you want to defy him? Hurt him by saying all those cruel words?

Well shit this is gonna end up as a fic isn't it?

YES, pre cazador, definitely would ascend and I can go see him going after people who look like you but as soon as they do/say something that is out of character for you, he just murders them. Justifying it by saying if you don't get to live, then neither do the poor imitations of you.

If he didn't ascend I reckon he would make a deal for him to get some sort of power, as you said, his heart died with you, what does he need a soul for? And then that takes us back to his ascended behaviour.

Oh baby boy Wyll, I agree, I do not think he would take another lover, but he would move on, I can see him becoming Grand Duke and shaping Baldur's Gate into a City that you would have survived in. He would name so many things after you, you liked books? He would build a library in your name? You always said you wanted kids or a big family, he builds an orphanage for you, telling the children stories of you. I think eventually as Wyll gets older and Mizora still tries to tempt him, he eventually enjoys her presence - as every time she tries to lure him into darkness, he can hear his beloved guiding him back to the light, and that he would never give up. Mizora is like wtaf, fine, you will never see me again, and then she's bored and shows up.

Dark Halsin !!! We love you !! He would have such a guilt complex about the shadow druids, how they were right etc. AND YES OMG you read my mind, parents warn their kids not to play too deep into the forest and for those wayward ones they come back, trembling with fear as they say how the beast roared and swiped its sharp paw at them. (Halsin would scare them away, I can never imagine him being violent with kids). But for those trying to prove their strength and valour by rescuing the beautiful maiden - they are never seen again.

Oooooo I cannot wait to sink my teeth into this!

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jeonscatalyst · 19 days

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Hi there

Sorry for any grammar or spelling issues English is not my first language. I was never a fan of bts I have heard about them bt was never really interested. So about a year ago or I think in the beginning of this year I saw a reel on YouTube abt TH and JK at the airport where TH was trying to hold JK hand and I didn't understand ppl where commenting abt how they were finally coming out and JK was shy or scared and all I could think abt was that JK body language was "the hell you trying to hold my hand for" that's what I got. Remember now I didn't know them didn't even know their names bt that reel was just cringe for me,and I didn't even know there was shipping going on in bts😩... Bt about 6or7 weeks ago a saw a funny video of them on insta and rm caught my attention so I searched their songs on YouTube became a instant fan bt then I got obsessed with jimin. Well suddenly all these tkk reels started coming on my tml and I was curious at first because there were so many tkk stuff and ppl always commenting under posts tkk is real I looked Into that first and I got to say I don't know how ppl can say they a couple bc I didn't even know abt jkk and those tkk stuff got me messed up coz when a saw a vmin reel I was like yeah they can maybe be a couple bt Def not tkk so I started searching jimin Omg that man is heaven Send... And low and behold jkk stuff popped up on my time line, my god when I tell you about the butterflies I felt when a saw that reel about 2018 where it looks like JK wanted to devour jm I knew a was at the right place.. Now I still don't know very much abt jkk I'm still looking into it bt for me who didn't even know bts or abt tkk, vmin, and jkk and learning about tkk before even knowing abt the other 2 bt saw at first glance that no a big hell No are the a couple, now for me that says alot because I would vmin a chance of being real before tkk. And can you maybe tell where and what I can watch to know more abt bts and jkk... I really love all 7 so much.

Hi anon.

No don’t worry, your English is fine and welcome to the world of BTS and shipping even though it’s crazy out here so buckle up lol.

I guess some people see something in taekook while others don’t and you happen to be one of those who doesn’t. For me, it’s always been clear that taekook are just friends not just because I couldn’t see anything beyond friendship but because all the evidence and common sense points to them being just friends but I guess not everyone sees things the same way and that’s why we still have tons of taekookers out there.

As for Jikook, they’ve always been the most likely pair to be real to me not just because of what I see or feel about them but because there’s been alot of that has strongly pointed to the possibility of them being more than friends over the years. I cannot swear that we are right about them being a couple because we never know but I know for a fact that they have and have always had an incredibly deep bond. Also, I am positive that taekook are nothing more than friends, no matter what taekookers would like to say about them and the solo era.

I would advise that you try to find and watch as much original content as possible. You can find some on Youtube, daily motion, weverse etc. Try to avoid youtube, instagram or tiktok edited videos because those tend to take out alot of context which makes you misunderstand alot of their interactions or moments. You can also check out @stormblessed95 blog. She has done an incredible job in explaining their dynamics and breaking things down. She is also the best person to go to if you need to find a specific content. To know more about the other members you can follow member focused accounts on any social media platform but make sure you are not following toxic or delusional shippers or solos because they could influence you to start hating on or being shady towards other members. Find content like run bts, In the soop, Bon Voyage to really get to know them. You can also watch their Vlives from weverse. Those are good places to start and you can always send in asks if you have questions about anything. Hope you have a great time catching up with content anon💜

#jikook #taekook #jimin #jungkook #my asks #jikook blog

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seyaryminamoto · 3 months

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COMMISSIONS ARE NOW OPEN!

Hello, everyone! My circumstances are getting a little bit more complicated and it's been fairly tricky to find a job over the past year (aaand it's only going to get worse...), so it's time for me to fully, officially, reopen commissions. Some prices have increased since the last time I did this, mainly in the hopes that this reflects my improving skills a little better. Some options are quite costly (particularly the animations and comics) because they demand a ton more work than one might expect. Terms are also more strict than they used to be in order to ensure a more professional dynamic between myself and anyone who commissions me.

Send me a DM if you have a commission in mind, but first, make sure to read through the Read More. I want to expand on what's stated in the final picture to ensure better clarity on the terms of my services:

I'm open to working with any fandom or OC, be it one I'm familiar with or not. I'm also open to working with crossovers, as well as making book/fic/album covers, and even drawing real people as characters of a fandom of the commissioner's choice.

I am open to drawing ship/romance content but, tied directly to the next point...

I reserve the right to refuse any commissions that make me uncomfortable in any given way. This does not mean that everything besides my OTPs and the headcanons I support is guaranteed to be rejected, but it does mean that, if the behavior of the commissioner or the specific subject of the commission does not sit well with me, for any given reason, I will decline the commission. I won't work on something that squicks me, nor with someone who displeases me. No artist should.

Animals, mythological creatures, gore and +18 requests are fundamentally valid but must be discussed thoroughly first. None of these areas are my forte as an artist, as much as I've dabbled in them here and there, so, in order to get it right, I may need extra time and I will most likely modify the base price for any requests that includes these elements.

Payments will be done through PayPal or Wise. The final, full-resolution piece will not be delivered until full payment is completed. Half payment is expected at the start of the process, the second half at the end. The client is entitled to two revisions of the art process to ensure expectations are met. If a piece does not match your expectations after the revisions, the commission will be considered cancelled and you won't need to pay the second half of the expense. Any commissioner who wishes to pay upfront from the get-go does so at their own risk. Revisions are always included, but there will be no refunds if the final piece is not up to the commissioner's standards.

The commissioner is allowed to publish and share the commissioned work across social media, provided it follows the rules of each site (as in, don't post any +18 artworks on sites that do not allow it, pretty much). I can offer basic Glaze and Nightshade in order to protect the artwork from AI theft, to no added expense. Credit MUST be given to me as the artist whenever commissioned pieces are posted elsewhere.

For anyone who wants a list of fandoms I'm better acquainted with:

Avatar: the Last Airbender

Legend of Korra

Bleach

Digimon

Code Geass

Inuyasha

Dragon Ball

The Mentalist

The Dragon Prince

Disney

My Hero Academia

Dragon Age

Hades (Supergiant)

Cowboy Bebop

Hollow Knight

Star Wars

Ghibli Films

Overwatch

Full Metal Panic

Artemis Fowl

LOTR

Farscape

Haikyuu

Fullmetal Alchemist

Naruto

Stranger Things

Spy X Family

Kaguya-sama

Chronicles of Ancient Darkness

Eragon

Thor

Harry Potter

Free!

ASOIAF

Shaman King

K-ON

Critical Role/Legend of Vox Machina

Dungeons and Dragons

Blue Eye Samurai

Arcane

Castlevania

Again, any fandom, character or OC is valid, but I'm far more likely to know what I'm doing and to have my own opinions, for better or for worse, when it comes to anything on this list.

If there are any further questions, feel free to DM me and we'll sort them out!

Thanks for reading so far, and I look forward to working with you!

#commissions open #art commissions #commission sheet #OC commissions #fanart commissions #commission info #ngl I don't even know what to tag I haven't done this in so long #I do feel like I've racked up enough EXP points lately to expand possibilities in commission work #but this is nonetheless a little daunting #how does one shake off impostor syndrome when it comes to pricing your own art #asking for a friend #anyway to everyone who ever cared about me or my art #I'd appreciate reblogs #because the wider the reach the better luck I'll have I hope #pretty please thank you I kind of may need this to get through life not even joking

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g0nta-g0kuhara · 1 month

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why do u think people r so ashamed of loving danron??

I mean, honestly, there's a lot of reasons, which makes it kind of complicated to tackle. I can list out a few from the top of my head, based on personal experience Feeling the shame and observation of other fans

•The problematic content in the games themselves. People feel embarrassed to like the other parts of the game because of the amount of bigoted moments (and sometimes whole characters) within these games. They don't want people to think they like those parts too, so they couch their appreciation in embarrassment.

•The reputation of the fanbase. On tumblr at least, things have normalized significantly and I find this fandom a very chill place to be. But the danganronpa fandom at its peak (2012-2016ish) was RABID. Like any major tumblr fandom, there was tons of drama, discourse, and toxic fan behaviour, but DR was genuinely on another level. This is especially true because of the young average age of members of the fandom at the time. Even though thats not generally true anymore on tumblr, this fandom still has that reputation to non-fans, and so people don't want to be associated with it.

•Cringe culture. At its peak, the DR fandom on tumblr was made mostly of teens, especially younger teens. I think the earnest way young teens participate in fandom led to it being seen as cringe, just like many other fandoms. Also, even outside of its problematic content, DR's plot can be weird and, frankly, even completely ridiculous. Similar to hom/estuck, I think this esotericness adds to people's kneejerk reaction to it when hearing about it second hand.

•The tendency of tumblr to turn on popular media when the magic is gone. This is something I've noticed with a lot of tumblr's number 1 big fandoms. Once a lot of people's interest in it starts wearing off, for some reason people will pivot to hating it. It happened with T/MA a little, it happened with Und/ertale, it happened with S/U, and so many other fandoms that tumblr went crazy over initially. Maybe its because these fandoms became so vocal they started to annoy those not participating, so they started to meme and make fun of it and its fans. Then, when people start to leave as their interests change, they join in on the teasing to displace the shame they might've felt from being teased. Eventually, people usually turn around and come to appreciate the piece of media casually again. That didn't really happen with DR... probably because of the other three reasons.

DR gained this reputation of being "irredeemable, problematic, cringe media" with a toxic fanbase and never shook it off. Before I played DR, I knew nothing about it except that tumblr hated it, for some reason. I had learned literally nothing else through fandom osmosis! And I think that general feeling, that Good People who like Unproblematic Things* (*requirement of being a good person) would never touch DR with a 10 foot pole outside of to make fun of it, sticks with people.

So when people finally check it out, usually through irony-poisoned letsplays of it, and end up actually liking it, they don't know what to do with themselves. How do you balance genuinely liking this piece of media with the site-wide perception youve grown so used to? With the idea that everyone will hate you if they know you like it, that you are a bad person for even posting about it? And thats how you get everyone's first DR post having a caption essentially communicating "im so sorry for posting about dr- I know its terrible and associating myself with this game makes me look disgusting- people who've followed me up until now, please dont hate me!"

#pluto answers #danganronpa #Im mostly cured of my danron shame but sometimes when talking to people I still really feel it #because there's also still that fear that because they have this perception of the game #they will genuinely think less of you for liking it #once one of my friends once started to tell a story about themself and cut themself off in embarrassment #and i was like ''hey im a dr fan- you're safe here''#and like. through this i got to hear so many silly stories about their time in previous fandoms #because they knew I wouldn't judge them!!#we should all have a bit more of an open mind. a critical eye. and be more willing to accept nuanced takes about flawed pieces of media

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mightymizora · 3 months

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talking shop: because it's been on my mind lately, and because I know you've been writing a lot lately! what do you do when you feel stuck on a project, or nothing seems to be working? I guess this is a question about "writer's block" but I kind of hate that term--what do you do when writing feels really hard?

So I have a couple of approaches depending on what it is!

So firstly, if it's fanfiction... remember this is FOR FUN. It's supposed to be fun! If it's not feeling fun you don't owe anybody anything! It's okay to take a break! I think we are SO conditioned to think of things as content and we forget that people used to release fic over periods of years around busy lives!

But as for concrete stuff when I want to do the work or it's for original fiction I follow these rules:

Demystify immediately. Writing is work. It's not a vision, it's not the idea. The idea is nothing! Writing is WORK. It's not the spreadsheet or the pinterest or the intention, it's sitting and writing and rewriting and editing! So you have to write, and it might be shit, but you have to do it! Don't wait for a muse, work it out.

I very often move to another part of the project. I'm not a linear writer, I go where the need is. I might have another scene I can try, or I might have another angle I need to look at. I might re-write a scene from another perspective, see if that opens up something.

I might try an exercise. Steering the Craft by Ursula K LeGuin is my favourite for this, but there's TONS of free resources on the internet. The British National Centre for Writing is an excellent place to start.

If really nothing is working, then I read. I might reread what I have done so far, I might look for something which is an influence. I have four reading lists - pleasure, research and nonfiction, language, and craft. The latter two don't have to be books on writing, they can be fiction that I'm rereading with a critical eye because I admire something, and those are the ones I go back to. Again, hyper-consumption means I don't think people re-read as much they maybe need to!

I try and write 500 words a day. Some of these are going to be original work, some fanfiction, some articles or contributions to other publications. I will give myself a day off a week, if I'm really too tired, and sometimes I really, really am too tired. If I can't physically write because of chronic pain, I might dictate instead, which isn't always the best for output, but it's about creating the idea that this is work for me. Because I want it to be! Sometimes I write a lot more too, but I try not to exhaust myself where I can.

But to circle back... if it's a hobby, it is completely, completely fine to put it down and find other joys. More than fine, it's revitalising. We need space to breathe, to think, to find joy and inspiration in the world too!

#writing tag

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tallerthantale · 1 month

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What Does Aziraphale Actually Believe Part 10: Returning to Heaven

If you are currently avoiding Good Omens content right now because of the allegations against Neil Gaimen, (which I personally find both credible and damning) consider jumping to the end note rather than skipping this post.

This is a series of my takes on what Aziraphale believes through the timeline of the show. It is all my personal interpretation, and I am happy to hear others. You don’t need to read them all in order, but know that I am coming from a perspective on Aziraphale’s machinations that can be difficult for people without a psychology background to follow without the first two as a primer. The quick version is that Aziraphale has a set of beliefs that exist in some form or another within his mind. However, at any given moment, only some of them exist ‘with awareness.’ The context of the moment will determine what lives on the surface and what stays buried outside of Aziraphale's experience of consciousness, whatever arrangement best prevents a threat to Aziraphale’s sense of self and makes whatever he is inclined to do feel right.

Season Two Begins

Aziraphale is still not really acting like someone who rebelled against heaven. He's imagining himself as having a polite dispute with his colleagues, they just don’t send him on missions anymore and don't want his reports. As far as he sees it, the library is still an embassy (independent), and he is still a representative of God (independent). He is trying to maintain a semblance of the habits and routines he had when he was avowed by heaven, the familiarity is comforting, but there are limits to how much of it he can recreate. Some of what he’s missing he gets from Crowley, giving him reports instead.

The sword of Damocles dropped, and Aziraphale remains ethereal. In many ways both he and Crowley are free to give up their tendencies to live double lives, but old habits die hard. During the lockdown, Aziraphale doesn’t want Crowley moving in, it doesn’t feel right yet. Crowley still feels a theoretical obligation to perform acts of demonic influence, even though he doesn’t actually want to. They have over 6000 years of earthly lived experience pushing themselves to go through the motions, and 4 years of something like freedom. They spent almost three times the time raising the wrong antichrist to write rude words on a description of a dinosaur.

Aziraphale has the tools he needs to create a belief that he and Crowley can carve out a life together, but he is still sorting out the details. We start to see it in ‘our car’ and the implied ‘our shop.’ The ‘our car’ was presumptuous, and Aziraphale does take Crowley’s willingness to cave for granted in ways that are concerning, but there are some points of context that add depth to it. 1) Crowley actively enjoys complaining about things he isn't really bothered by and they both know it. 2) Bentley is sentient, and clearly considers Aziraphale a co-parent. 3) Aziraphale claiming Bentley as a joint asset seems to have prevented demons from entering uninvited.

I do think The Ball was Aziraphale's version of a confession, hoping they would dance, and talk things through as they danced. It’s not the best plan, because there are a ton of built up conversations they need to have with each other that are going to be hard to do with a room full of people as a backdrop. Even so, it could have been starting point for those conversations. He really is trying to make something happen, and he’s going at the preparations full steam while Crowley is still in ‘it’s not like that’ mode. I read Crowley's confusion as him personally being veeery asexual, and assuming all along that Aziraphale was the same. IMO, he was completely oblivious to possibility that Aziraphale could be comparatively allo, though there are many open interpretations.

The big jumps forward with Aziraphale’s understanding of his relationship to Crowley, the universe, humanity, and the world do not erase his older beliefs. They add to his options. As we get to the end of Season 2, he’s got a lot of options. As I went into at the start of this rambling mess, in a way Aziraphale still believes everything he has ever believed, no matter how self contradictory that gets. Some things are just deeper in storage than others. That said, I think we can talk about what his recently active beliefs are through the modern events of Season 2. In my opinion, this is where things stand in the mind of Aziraphale:

Angels are aligned with good in the abstract, demons with evil in the abstract, and they imperatively should act in accordance with that, even if often they descriptively don’t.

This follows metaphysical (ethereal / occult ) categories, not professional roles, and therefore still applies to both Aziraphale and Crowley.

Crowley would be better off free of the obligation to be up to no good, and no longer being professionally a demon hasn’t done the trick.

God felled Crowley as a deliberate injustice in service of a bigger picture plan.

God plays games, but in the service of a greater good, and heaven ought to be aligned with Her purpose. Heaven is currently failing in that obligation.

Aziraphale still thinks he can intuit God’s will and is mostly aligned with it.

Heaven is being run by angels that are out of line with God’s will, but they retain their angelic nature because they are too ignorant to be responsible for their failings.

He was able to successfully convince Gabriel and Beelzebub to cancel the war.

The institution of heaven is powerful enough to crush them both if diplomacy fails.

The bookshop and car are mutually owned by him and Crowley. Their earthly existence is for them both to share, and they mutually committed to defending it.

Aziraphale and Crowley’s life on earth is unprotected under heaven’s current leadership.

Aziraphale and Crowley are the only celestials with actual knowledge of good and evil.

Having that knowledge incurs a heavy moral responsibility to choose good.

Crowley chooses good more reliably than Aziraphale does.

All of these play into the Final Fifteen.

Angelic Status

I believe for most of their time on earth, Aziraphale has stopped just short of pursuing a proper courtship with Crowley because of their professional and existential positions on ‘opposite sides.’ By the end of the botched executions, the professional role wasn’t an excuse anymore, but in the lockdown special he still wouldn’t let Crowley move in. The existential ‘sides’ still mattered. By the Start of modern Season 2, I think he finally let that go. He was finally ready to fully not care that Crowley was a demon. That doesn’t mean they were actually on the same page about it conceptually though.

Aziraphale has pretty consistently struggled to understand Crowley’s demonic status the way Crowley would see it. While to Crowley it is his assumed identity, and his former angel self is like a deadname, (or my favorite term for it, his ‘cis-sona’) Aziraphale understands Crowley to be suffering unjustly under the temporary state of being currently classified as a demon. Yes, there are many ways this is enormously dismissive of Crowley and insensitive to Crowley. But that isn’t all that it is. Aziraphale doesn’t think the fall was right, and he never did. Sure, that's like, a baseline expectation for having compassion for Crowley, but the implications for how Aziraphale sees things are huge.

There are a few options for how Aziraphale can process this opinion that he can roll through. I think sometimes he blames himself. Sometimes he just avoids thinking about it. Sometimes he thinks Crowley will just spontaneously go back to being an angel again, like it was a clerical error. Most of the time though, I think it’s about God playing games putting together the Ineffable Plan. Aziraphale has been no stranger to God allowing injustices, he considers the greater good, the end game.

If God is playing a game unfairly casting Crowley out, perhaps it’s to prove a point by bringing him back. Aziraphale thinks Crowley is the better of the two of them, and he knows he hasn’t fallen. Heaven sentenced him to death, and it didn’t stop him from being an angel. And yet Crowely, his better half, is a demon. Crowley has parallels to Jesus that are probably not lost on Aziraphale. Crowley coming back as an angel and being put in authority over nearly every other angel in existence the way Aziraphale imagines it would be a vindication of Crowley as the ultimate martyr, and a fuck you to all the angels who looked down on him. See end note.

The issue remains that it isn’t the framing Crowley would give himself, and it is alarming that Aziraphale fails to be aware of that. Aziraphale has spent 6000 years in a sort of solipsism, where his intuition is what he looks through for understanding everything in the world. Sometimes he understands that other people will see things differently, and sometimes that slips. Divining his sense of self through intuition has benefit as a tool to free him from heaven’s brainwashing, but it also carries a risk of arrogant superiority and blind spots. Aziraphale still isn’t fully at peace when it comes to accepting that Crowley’s demonic status is an avowed identity, not a transient trial. And as I said in post 3, when you try to run on intuition in an area where you aren’t at peace with yourself, that will fuck your shit up harder than a sideways pineapple.

The Final Fifteen: Return of the Mindfuckery

Aziraphale enters the conversation with The Metatron believing he wants to stay on earth, and that the leadership of heaven is not aligned with God's ineffable will. When The Metatron offers Aziraphale the position of supreme archangel, his belief that God is good and heaven ought to be aligned with God's will gets pulled to the surface, along with his conviction that he can intuit God's will, and confidence in his ability to make a difference, already inflated from setting in motion Ineffable Bureaucracy. That on its own isn’t enough. Aziraphale doesn’t want to leave his life on earth with Crowley behind, he has just started to be at peace building a life in Shades of Grey.

When The Metatron offers angelic status, it gives Aziraphale the option to believe The Metatron is endorsing Crowley as a vindicated martyr. It lets Aziraphale believe that the Metatron is on team Ineffable, and Aziraphale really will be given enough actual power to genuinely reform heaven. But it isn’t the only option it gives Aziraphale. There is a fork, and not just in the road.

When The Metatron offers to sanction his relationship with Crowley, he goes out of his way to bring attention to how unsanctioned it used to be, how long it was like that, and how serious it still is. By bringing up Crowley and Aziraphale’s full history, The Metatron is reminding him of all the thousands of years of fear of discovery and instability. They could have been executed for it, they nearly were, they could order executions again, and they might work this time. He didn’t need to point out how long running their collaboration was, and he didn’t need to refer to it as a de facto partnership either. Offering to let Aziraphale take Crowley with him could have just been about the fact that they are clearly working together now. The way The Metatron highlighted their history provoked Aziraphale’s fear.

Aziraphale may refuse to believe The Metatron really speaks for God, but he is afraid enough of him to get mindfucked about it given an attractive enough looking alternative. It is particularly telling of the level of mindfuckery at play that The Metatron describes Aziraphale as someone who is honest, and doesn’t just tell people what they want to hear, and Aziraphale accepts that. It would have taken work for Aziraphale to keep that red flag out of his awareness.

Where Aziraphale has resisted the mindfuckery of danger from The Institution of Heaven before, the alternative has been horrifying. Lie to thwart the archangels, or allow the murder of children. Defy The Institution, or participate in the destruction of the universe. He had no way forward that preserved his sense of self, and he took the least horrible of the options he had. Going back to heaven may not look like an ideal option, he doesn’t really want to leave the bookshop, but as the Metatron initially presents it, it's not conflicting with Aziraphale’s sense of self. Framed as an opportunity to reform heaven into his own ideal, it would conflict with Aziraphale’s sense of self to turn the offer down.

Aziraphale sees this as an opportunity to make the universe right. I don’t think he believes it will be simple, easy, or guaranteed to work, I think he feels obligated to do everything he can to try. If there is even a chance, no matter how small, he has to try. He remembers Crowley being happy as an angel, but not that it was God that took the smile away. He remembers Crowley looking for ways to avoid his evil missions and be kind under hell's nose, but not that God tasked hell's minions with doing evil in the first place. He remembers that Crowley often chooses to do good, but not that to Crowley, the choices he was making were choosing to oppose the system, not aligning with God. Aziraphale has been able to think of Crowley as aligned with God’s Ineffable will. He has been thinking it more and more into the modern era. He concluded long ago that God would forgive Crowley.

He forgot to consider that it is Crowley who would need to forgive God.

The Final Fifteen: Schrodinger's Threat

The Metatron has appeared before Aziraphale wearing dark colors, offering an oatmilk late, talking about experiencing the earthly world. This sets him apart from the other angels, it is a signal that he has also eaten the metaphorical apple, he is not naive to good and evil the way the other celestials are. Aziraphale's only points of reference for worldly celestials are himself and Crowley. He associates the knowledge and mixed black and white with the pursuit of nuanced ethics. He has no frame of reference for an entity that fully understands the nuances of ethics but chooses to impose dogmatic authoritarianism anyway.

The part of Aziraphale’s mind that lives outside of conscious awareness gets to decide between two realities. 1) The Metatron cannot be trusted, he is threatening him, plotting to destroy Crowley, nowhere is safe, there are no good options, Crowley won’t play along, ect… or, 2) The Metatron is actually aligned with God’s ineffable will just like he and Crowley are, and he and Crowley can fix heaven together and live happily and safely ever after. If your priority is picking the reality that is most palatable, that isn’t a hard choice.

Remember, it isn’t a conscious choice. Aziraphale is not arguing in an internal monologue with himself that he is better off deciding to believe the naive thing, the parts of Aziraphale's mind that are outside of his awareness are preventing his conscious mind from seeing anything other than the naive thing. Every reason he has to not trust The Metatron didn’t load into his conscious awareness and instead fucked off to the Bermuda Triangle. The evidence The Metatron cannot be trusted wasn’t rejected or discounted, it functionally does not exist. Every reason he had to know Crowley would never go along with the plan did the same thing.

Even his own memories of his own time in heaven fucked off. When Aziraphale said it would be “like the old times, only even nicer,” a lot of us had an initial reaction along the lines of, maybe it was nice for you, but not for Crowley. The thing is, that's backwards. The Star Queen was having a blast making the universe while Aziraphale was skittish and terrified. The good old times weren’t ever real for Aziraphale, they were what he had to imagine into existence to cope with existence. Aziraphale wants to put himself in a miserable position of responsibility that he will hate, in order to remake heaven into a place Crowley can be happy again.

Much of the theorizing I have seen around Aziraphale's behavior in the Final Fifteen assumes a dichotomy. As most people see it, the story must be one of two things, either Aziraphale sincerely believes The Metatron's offer, and sincerely wants Crowley to come back to heaven with him and be angels together doing good, and sincerely thought Crowley would go for it and be happy about it, OR he was so scared shitless by The Metatron that everything he is doing and saying is put on for their safety.

The horrifying truth of how our minds work is that there is no dichotomy.

Aziraphale sincerely believed in the plan, sincerely believed Crowley would happily go for it, and sincerely remembered being in heaven as nice, BECAUSE he was scared shitless by The Metatron and had to buy into it for their safety. He had to genuinely believe those things to feel safe, so he did. I don't think The Metatron made any explicit threats or coercions. He didn't need to. Aziraphale's existential terror did all the work on its own, and it did the work without leaving a trail for Aziraphale’s conscious mind to see.

The Final Fifteen: An Uninformed Decision

Aziraphale had not been told about the plans for Armageddon 2.0, or why Gabriel lost his memory, or that he was risking getting stashed in a heavenly closet after being mind wiped for refusing to go along with The Institution. I have been frustrated with Crowley for not bringing this up. While my frustration with both of their poor communication skills continues, I noticed that Crowley probably thinks that he did bring it up.

In the bandstand argument, Crowley twice tries to make sarcastic logical incisions to get through to Aziraphale. “You should kill him yourself then, holierly.” “ Unforgivable, that's what I am.” He is saying these things to deconstruct what Aziraphale said before, not as face value statements. Aziraphale ignores the argument inside them both, treating them as face value non sequiturs and offering his own.

In the Final Fifteen Crowley makes another sarcastic logical incision by saying “when heaven ends all life on earth, it will be just as dead as if hell had ended it.” Aziraphale picked a hell of a day to stop taking Crowley’s sarcastic incisions at face value, because as much as this is a sarcastic logical incision still, it is actually also face value this time. Crowley is telling Aziraphale that heaven is planning on ending all life on earth. Like, NOW. And given the way Aziraphale has interpreted him in the recent past, Crowley would reasonably expect him to follow along with that.

Aziraphale thinks if he is in charge, he can put in place the plan he expressed in S1E4, celestials keep the earth running so humans can keep having free will. Aziraphale is not happy about it when The Metatron mentions the second coming. But he still doesn’t know that he is queuing himself up for the same fate as Gabriel, since Crowley skipped that point in his understandable frantic distress. I really do think it would have made a big difference in how the scene went down if it had come up.

In this series I have described Aziraphale's choice as a mistake, but I want to clarify what I think the mistake was, because it wasn't deciding to go back, not really. The mistake was how he brought the situation to Crowley.

Had Aziraphale refused to go, both of them could have been rapidly removed from existence. There is a very compelling case to be made that returning to heaven and trying to dismantle the system from the inside while playing along on the surface is their best option. The end of the universe ends everywhere, they are attached to the earth, and even with the combo miracles Aziraphale wouldn't have it in him to wage full on war against heaven with a diplomatic offer on the table. It's possible Crowley could have been moved by that argument, or it could have prompted Crowley into sharing about the memory wipes.

Realistically the situation was probably moving too fast to put a real strategy in place, and I don't think Crowley would take the elevator up either way, but the most hurtful part of the conversation is how long Aziraphale goes still presenting a return to heaven as unambiguously positive news, seemingly oblivious to how Crowley would take it, and how Crowley does take it standing in front of him. As strong an argument as there is for them to suffer the hardship in order to strategically dismantle the system from inside as the least bad option of what's available, Aziraphale does not make that argument. Crowley can't strategize with the version of Aziraphale who thinks The Metatron is on his side. I still fault Crowley for leaving the conversation when he did, as much as I understand why he felt he needed to.

I’m not going to go through the whole argument line by line, but I’m going to do a brief review of my impressions of Aziraphale’s more ambiguous statements.

“You can be my second in command” They’re authorising me to be in charge, I will raise you as high as I can on paper, no one will be controlling you.

“Nothing lasts forever” I’m willing to let go of my attachment to this bookshop if it will secure us a safe future together.

“I don’t think you understand what I’m offering you” We can fully restructure the institution of heaven to be what we want it to be, for us and for the world we took responsibility for. You can have creative control over the reformation. We can be safe and together like we have wanted for 6000 years.

“Then there’s nothing more to say.” I respect your decision not to come with me.

“I forgive you” for leaving me with the responsibility to fix heaven on my own. (But it was almost ‘I love you.’)

The Final Fifteen: The Aftermath

After Crowley leaves, what Aziraphale can load into his mind shifts again. He can see his fear, and that The Metatron is the source of it. All the reasons he has to not trust The Metatron come back, as do all the reasons why Crowley would obviously say no. The cascade of expressions Aziraphale runs through between Crowley leaving and the Metatron arriving are us witnessing the beliefs, opinions, judgements, and memories that are present in Aziraphale’s experience of consciousness being reformed into a different set.

When the Metatron comes back, Aziraphale is functionally a different person, and this one doesn’t want to go. He tries very hard to soft no The Metatron. He really, really tries. It is the hardest part of the ending for me to watch by far. I don't think any instance of him was ever really ok with a version of events where he went back on his own. But I also think he fully expects to be smote on the spot if he actually says no, with Crowley smote soon after, and I don't think he is wrong.

For all the heartbreak of the ending, there are some optimistic points from across the span of my character study I want to highlight that I think are often overlooked.

Aziraphale ideologically split himself off from The Institution of Heaven before Crowley got involved.

He had a sense something wasn’t right even while the Star Queen was naive.

He found his own way to form opinions for himself in the midst of an all powerful, rigid, oppressive system.

He has played Crowley’s role performing political subterfuge temptation missions from hell who knows how many times.

His perception that Crowley might want to be an angel again, while willfully ignorant and galling, didn’t come from nowhere.

His tolerance and forgiveness of the other angels comes from infantilizing them, not respecting them.

He was noticeably upset when The Metatron mentioned the Second Coming.

Just as Aziraphale’s increasing stack of things he can believe doesn’t undo the imprint of his years of indoctrinated beliefs, The Metatron manipulating him into a disastrous mistake doesn’t undo the growth he has had, the tools he has developed, or the perspective he has gained. The last smile just as he steps into the lift is not sincere, and his stare inside at the end is a declaration of a kind of soft power war. We remember "but rescuing me makes him so happy," but the full line when Nina asks "Why don't you make your own plans?" starts with "Oh, I am."

Part 10/10

End note:

Due to a series of unfortunate events (or two), there was a considerable delay between the bulk of my "What does Aziraphale Actually Believe" series and the last instalment. While I initially felt very negatively about that, it also presented a particular opportunity, as I found myself reviewing the final draft details of The Metatron's manipulation tactics and how they messed with Aziraphale's mind at the same time as I was following the allegations against Neil Gaimen.

As things currently stand I find the allegations against Neil Gaimen very credible and very damning. Information is still coming out, but the odds of something being reviled that would change the gist of my opinion are very unlikely. I don't consider that to be cause to stop engaging with the fandom and analyzing the story. A lot of people who take that position frame it as separating the art from the artist. That is not the framing I use.

Typically I try to keep considerable distance between myself and anything that looks like psychoanalysing public figures. This because of a psychology ethics rule that I take on a broad interpretation of. The gist of it is to not form professional opinions about the psychology of specific people based on their public statements / works. Because what follows is skirting the edges of the spirit of those rules, I want to emphasise that it is my personal opinion, and I am coming at it more from literary analysis than any kind of Sherlockian attempt at deductive reasoning about the workings of a particular person's mind.

The narrative arc of Aziraphale's religious trauma, the way it plays out, the way his opinions bend and reform, the way he gaslights himself in the presence of The Metatron, the way The Metatron wields his power imbalance with a friendly disposition, the way the threats that are never framed as a threat mess with Aziraphale's mind, the way he convinces himself to be happy about what he is being forced into, the way his mind flips back and fourth based on the pressures of the people around him, the particular ways he is vulnerable to being subtly manipulated into appearing complicit in his own exploitation, the detail in how that plays out, these things were all written very well.

Or I should say, they were written very accurately.

The motivation I had to write the "What does Aziraphale Actually Believe" series was that a lot of the ways those features of exploitation were accurately depicted weren't picked up on by the general audience. Because they rang so true to life to me, but were not followed by so many, I sought to explain my understanding of Aziraphale's behaviour to people who weren't sure what to make of it. These mechanisms are often very counter intuitive, not understanding them is pretty normal, and the Final 15 stood out to me as having been written with a very unusually high level of understanding of how exploitative power dynamics operate in real life.

Which is to say…

If the author of Aziraphale's Season 2 narrative arc came to me, and told me that he just didn't realize how power disparities impact people, that he was trying his best and he just didn't understand, I would tell him to go fuck himself with a rake. I can get behind wanting more to be investigated, wanting more information to be corroborated, wanting to see the actual screenshots and emails. I have respect for people who still want more documentation. What I want to push back against is arguments from people who believe the conduct happened, but either think that it wasn't a big deal, that Gaimen could not have been expected to know better, or that he made an unfortunate mistake. Someone that oblivious would not have been able to write the story of Season 2. Someone getting called out for their abuse of power absolutely would claim they didn't know any better as an excuse, it's the most obvious excuse to make.

People who abuse power knowingly are often still able to create a pocket fantasy universe, conjuring sections of time during which they can believe their own lies. They can sit better with themselves and their own actions that way. That isn't the same as not knowing better, it is the most willful of all willful ignorance, and it can flip on and off like a switch. I haven't read Sandman, but the people who have may be able to say if it seems like the work was written by a person who understands that people can create their own pocket realities to live in, and jump into and out of.

One of the common things expressed by those coming forward is that they want people to know that they are absolutely confident Gaimen understood what he was doing. There was a moment in the "Am I Broken" podcast where the survivor made that point, and the host either didn't process what they were being told or dismissed it at the speed of light, pivoting to hoping this would be a learning opportunity for other clumsy people in power who are probably making the same mistakes. It was a very frustrating moment.

I understand it is confusing that the people who engage in serial predatory behavior can rationalize themselves into their fantasy narrative of events while simultaneously engaging in an intentional strategy. But it is what people do. Getting to believe they aren't doing the very thing they planed to do is part of the strategy, and part of how they are able to gaslight people so effectively. The answer to "do serial predators believe they are innocent or do they do it as a honed deliberate tactic?" is yes. Knowing that is key to spotting these patterns in real life.

#good omens #good omens meta #go meta meta #what does aziraphale actually believe #aziraphale #aziracrow #ineffable spouses #ineffable husbands #final fifteen #neil gaiman

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simping4villains · 1 year

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Here’s a part 2 of the Shigaraki oneshot I posted awhile back (since some of y’all were asking for it). I do have both parts posted on both my wattpadd and ao3 account under the same username (along with many other fics). I think i’m going to keep the story going, so check there for more regular updates! <3

~~~~~

Warning: Sexual content

It had been a couple of weeks since that night in Tomura's apartment. You'd been avoiding him, not responding to his texts and dodging his calls, but he started threatening to stop by your apartment or the elementary school you taught at to check on you, so you finally agreed to see him.

He asked you to meet up with him at the South entrance of the mall where you'd first met. He was wearing the same black hoodie he'd worn on that day. Originally, you had thought he was just introverted and anxious, but now you realized that he probably wore it in an attempt to hide his identity. He didn't want to be recognized in public and have the heroes called in.

God, what an idiot you'd been. You were too naive, too trusting. Now you were in too deep.

"Y/n," he smiled when he saw you. "I wasn't sure you'd come."

Neither were you.

"Of course. I'm sorry if it feels like i've been ignoring you lately, i've just been so busy with my students," you lied. "It's almost winter break."

Tomura had never shown any signs that he'd be violent toward you, but you still weren't sure what he was truly capable of. You'd tried to do research on him and his villain group, but the media didn't have a ton of information. It seemed like he hadn't had any sort of life before the league—not one that you could find, at least.

"It's alright," he said, though you weren't sure if he really believed you or not.

"So, what are we doing? Your text was pretty cryptic."

"I was thinking we could grab a drink and talk."

You were confused. You'd never known Tomura to have much of a taste for alcohol. "Um, I'm not so sure there are any bars in the mall."

"That's okay, I know a place." He turned and started walking down the sidewalk, glancing at you over his shoulder. "Come on."

Alarms were going off on your head. He wasn't giving you enough information. You didn't like not knowing where he was taking you. Then again, you weren't sure how he would react if you refused to follow him. What choice did you have but to play along?

He led you to a bus stop, which only made you feel even more unsettled. When the bud arrived, you took note that it was headed for the Kamino Ward. It wasn't a place you were very familiar with.

Walking through the streets, you tried to guess which bar Tomura was bringing you to, but he kept passing them by. Eventually, the streets became less lively and more deserted. Many of the buildings looked abandoned, including the one that he finally stopped in front of.

"Well, here it is."

"I don't understand, is it like a speak easy or something?"

He gave an amused laugh. "I guess you could say that."

He slipped through the boards that covered the busted door, urging you to follow him. Against your better judgment, you did. The room inside was battered and covered in dust.

"There's nothing here."

"It's downstairs."

You started to feel nauseous. Had his plan been to just kill you all along? Did he not think he could let you live now that you knew who he was?

"Tomura, it's getting late, maybe I should get going. I promised my aunt that I'd stop by tonight. I don't want her to worry."

It was another lie, but he didn't have to know that. You wanted him to think you had places to be, people who would notice if you didn't show up, didn't answer their texts and calls. Your aunt had met Tomura before, so she'd probably give his name to the police if you went missing.

Then again, what had the police been able to do to stop him up to this point?

His smile dropped. You'd never seen him look so hurt. "I knew it. You really are afraid of me."

"Tomura, that's not it at all."

"Then just trust me. Please. Don't leave yet."

You nodded. "Okay."

What else could you say? What else could you do? If he thought you were a flight risk, that might only cause him to kill you sooner.

The two of you crossed the room to a door, which he opened to reveal a closet. You braced for an impact, thinking maybe he would use your confusion as a means to distract you while he knocked you out. Instead, he reached out to the back wall of the closet and pushed it forward, revealing it to be a hidden door. Beyond it was a set of stairs that led to the basement. As soon as he revealed this secret entrance, he pulled a hand out of his pocket and put it over his face. It was part of his villain costume—you remembered the chills it gave you when you'd first seen it on that special news report.

You followed him down and were surprised to find that there really was a bar in the basement of this abandoned building. There were a few people in the room, but the person who caught your attention was the man standing behind the counter, polishing a glass. His body appeared to be made of smoke or something. He looked up at the two of you as you entered.

"Ah, young master Shigaraki, you've returned."

A man sitting at the bar in a skin-tight suit turned toward the two of you. "Yeah, and it looks like he brought a friend. Who the hell is this, boss?!"

The girl sitting beside him, who couldn't have been more than 17, tilted her head and smiled. "Is she a new recruit?"

Tomura shifted awkwardly. You could feel the way he tensed with embarrassment. "This is Y/n. We've been seeing each other for a while now and I thought it was time for her to meet you."

"The boss has a girlfriend? Get it, boss!"

The girl hopped off of the stool she'd been perched on, running over to circle around you and size you up. "What a cutie! I wonder what your blood tastes like?"

Tomura wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you against him in a protective manner. "Maybe this was a mistake."

The girl laughed. "Oh, don't worry, boss! We're going to be best friends." She beamed at you. "My name's Toga."

The man in the suit hopped up to join you all. "And I'm Jin. But my villain name is Twice because I can duplicate myself and make copies of other people! I don't know if i'm the real deal or just a clone!"

"Don't overwhelm her," Tomura warned, his eyes narrowing at them between the fingers of the hand he wore.

"Oh, no, we wouldn't want to scare her off," one of the other members piped up from the corner of the room, his tone sarcastic. "God knows how hard it is for you to get a date."

You hadn't noticed him before, which seemed shocking now that your gaze met his. His body was covered in what looked like burn scars and even from across the room you could tell he had the most piercing blue eyes you'd ever seen. His demeanor was fairly casual, but still conveyed that he wasn't someone you'd want to mess with. He was a bit terrifying.

Any embarrassment Tomura felt was quickly melting into rage. It seemed he and this other league member didn't get along too well. Despite whatever internal conflict you were facing, you couldn't help but feel bad for him in that moment. Your hand brushed the one he had on your waist, just long enough for him to understand that it had been on purpose and that you'd intended for it to comfort him.

"Just ignore him," Tomura mumbled. "It's what the rest of us do."

"So, what's your quirk?" Toga asked, trying to shift the attention away from the other man.

Twice cut you off before you could answer. "Are you going to join the league? You totally should!"

You looked between Toga and Twice. You had been ready for Tomura to kill you, but nothing could have prepared you for this. "Oh, I—"

"No," Tomura snapped. "She's just here to better understand our cause."

You could feel the silent rage radiating off of him. In his eyes, these two had crossed a line by inviting you to be a part of the league. If it was something you'd decided for yourself, he would have welcomed you with open arms, but he wanted to protect you, and he knew that you would be safest if the heroes never found out about you.

The man in the corner scoffed. "Of course she isn't joining the league. Look at her. She probably couldn't keep up with us."

Tomura's fingers dug into your hip. He was trying to hold himself back, to keep his composure. If this man had been insulting him, he could've just ignored it, or even come back with his own sarcastic retort, but when it came to you—well, it was harder for him to brush it off.

"Y/n," the man behind the bar called. "Come and sit. Would you like some tea? I've always got it ready for master Shigaraki."

"Tea would be lovely," you smiled, glad for someone to diffuse the sudden tension.

You took a seat at the bar, trying to ignore whatever lecture Tomura was giving Twice and Toga about the way they'd ambushed you. You wondered whether or not the other man would get a lecture too. He didn't seem like someone who would really listen. . . or care.

"Sorry about them," the man said as he pushed a cup of tea across the bar to you. "Some of the newer members are so full of charisma. And Dabi, well, he's. . ."

"It's alright. I'm sure they mean well," you replied, forcing a smile. "I didn't catch your name."

"It's Kurogiri."

"Kurogiri," you repeated. "How did you end up becoming a bar tender for the league of villains?"

He laughed. "I am not just a mere bartender. It is my job to keep Tomura Shigaraki safe. I am his sworn protector."

"I didn't think the leader of the league of villains would need protecting."

"There are plenty of people who want to see his downfall—heroes and villains alike. Most don't agree with his mission."

You were about to ask what his mission was when you felt three fingers gripping your shoulder, telling you that Tomura wanted to leave.

"Kurogiri, I'll be in my room if you need me. Come on, Y/n."

He led you through the bar and down a hallway, stopping at the very last door. His room at the league's hideout was smaller than the one in his apartment, and somehow even less decorated. It was very reminiscent of a college dorm, though he had a full-size bed. On his desk you noticed he had a photo strip of the two of you that you'd taken on one of your very first dates. Besides this, his desk was almost completely bare.

"I'm sorry about them," he said as he took a seat on the bed, removing the hand from his face and setting it on the nightstand. "Maybe bringing you here was a mistake after all." His fingers found their way to his neck, mindlessly scratching lines in familiar tracks.

You moved to sit beside him, gently pulling his hand away from his reddening skin to hold it palm-up in your lap. "Toga and Twice seemed nice."

"I just thought maybe if you met everyone then you would see that we aren't as bad as the heroes make us out to be. You'd see that you don't have to be afraid of me."

"I'm not afrai—"

"Stop," he said, his eyes pinching shut like the words pained him to hear. "I feel like you can barely look at me now. You think I wouldn't hesitate to kill you, that your death would be just as meaningless to me as those who have died as collateral—a small sacrifice for my cause."

You didn't know what to say. You had hoped you'd been convincing enough, but Tomura had seen through it. He could tell things had changed between you. Your heart was racing now, wondering what he would do.

He turned to you, his eyes soft and pleading. "I would never do anything to hurt you, y/n—and I would gladly kill anyone who tried. I couldn't forgive myself if anything happened to you."

You swallowed, searching his eyes for any sign of deception, but ultimately decided that this was the truth. He didn't bring you here to kill you, he just wanted you to understand him.

"Kurogiri mentioned that a lot of people don't agree with your 'mission.' What is it you're doing?"

"I want to destroy the world that we live in. You don't know what's going on, so you don't understand how wretched it really is. From the ashes, I'll build a new world—similar to what you believe ours to be."

You had never seen this side of him before. He sounded so. . . evil. "But why do you have to destroy things first? Why can't you just try to make things better?"

He shook his head, pulling his hand away from you. "Society is too far gone. There is no 'making things better' as it stands. We need a fresh start, and I can give it to us."

You nodded slowly, processing everything he was saying. "And what would this new world of yours look like?"

"No more heroes who are only after the pay and praise of a job well done. Just people. People allowed to live their lives without being forced to worship these corrupt imposters."

You thought of your mother, who had been a hero and had died saving others. Had she really been so bad? Had she done it for the wrong reasons? You'd be lying if you said there was never a time where you thought her sense of justice had been selfish. Because of it you had grown up without a mother, without a father, isolated from the rest of the world, discouraged from using and training your quirk. You often wondered how different your life might look now if she had picked a different, more sensible career path.

He continued when you didn't respond. "No one is born a villain, they're created—they're spit out and shunned by this cruel world one too many times. I just want to live in a world where everyone is equal, where no one is treated differently for their quirks."

"Well, I guess. . . I guess that doesn't seem so bad."

He smiled and rested his forehead against yours, bringing a hand up to cup your jaw. "I don't want to live in that world without you by my side. I really do love you."

You held your breath and closed your eyes, weighing everything that he'd said. The man you'd spent the past few months with, Tomu, was sweet, shy, caring. Tomura Shigaraki, the leader of the league of villains, had a reputation for being something else entirely—cold, ambitious, and merciless. Before, you couldn't have believed they really were the same person. Yet sitting here, listen to him speak, it all came together. And you hated yourself because, despite it all. . .

"I love you," you whispered, as if you were ashamed to say the words too loud, afraid that might somehow make them more real.

He pressed his lips to yours, winding his hand into your hair, always careful to keep at least one finger away from you. He'd missed you those past few weeks. He was worried he had lost you. He wanted you to know how much you meant to him—how much he needed you. He had been a mess without you, barely eating or sleeping. He would have fallen apart completely if you'd left. He needed you to know that.

"I thought i'd lost you," he whispered between kisses, his voice like a plea, begging you to keep proving him wrong.

Honestly, you'd thought he'd lost you, too. You had every intention of ending your relationship by avoiding him. Maybe it wasn't fair to do it that way given how long you'd been together, but after learning who he really was, you worried that if you met up with him to end things then he might overreact and become violent. You couldn't have predicted that seeing him would instead make you change your mind.

"I'm still here," you told him, feeling ashamed of yourself. What would Aunt Marci think if she knew you were in love with a villain?

He pulled you onto his lap so that you straddled him, wrapping his arms around your waist so you were caged to his chest. "Are you sure tou don't hate me?" He asked. "You aren't only here telling me the things I want to hear because you're afraid of me?"

You frowned. "I wish that were the case. It would make this all a lot easier."

"You don't want to want to be with me, right? To love me?"

"Right," you agreed, your voice barely audible. You were worried how he might react knowing you were so apprehensive.

His expression didn't change. He didn't erupt into a fit of anger. He brushed the tips of his fingers through your hair before ghosting them along your jaw. "Then i'll just have to keep giving you reasons to want me."

Your lips met again and you melted in his arms. He ran a hand up the back of your shirt, pressing four fingers into your back so that he held you closer. You gasped at his touch and he took the opportunity to catch your bottom lip between his teeth, lightly tugging at it. It was all a painful reminder that, despite everything, you still burned for him.

You were so weak.

He guided you back on the bed, spreading himself over you and bending to trail feather-light kisses along your neck. "I want to prove that you don't have to be afraid of me," he whispered, his breath tickling your skin.

"How are you going to do that?"

His teeth grazed along your neck. "I'll show you how gentle I can be."

"Tomura, I've already seen that side of you."

He lifted his head from your neck to meet your gaze. He was smirking. God, he was so beautiful. "Not like this."

You didn't even realize he'd grabbed your shirt until it disintegrated around you, flitting away from your body and leaving you feeling vulnerable beneath him, guarded only by the thin lace bra you wore.

He ran his fingers along the edge of it, humming to himself. "Pretty. I don't want to ruin it."

You frowned. "You know, I really wish you wouldn't ruin any of my clothes."

That made him laugh. He thought you were cute when you were mad. "I'm sorry, I didn't know it upset you so much. I just like giving you reasons to wear mine instead."

"I don't have a problem with wearing yours, I just don't want to have to keep spending money on clothes that actually fit me just for you to make them disappear in seconds."

"That's fair." He pressed his lips to your chest before trailing soft kisses down your stomach, stopping at the waistband of your jeans. "But it really is so much quicker to decay them," he said as he fiddled with your belt and zipper.

You lifted your hips to help him guide your pants off of your legs. You were surprised when he dragged your panties along with them, exposing you to him. He ran the tips of his fingers down your thighs before settling between your legs. Your breath hitched at the sight alone.

He wove his arms under your legs so that he could grip your hips, pulling you closer to him. Your heart raced as you felt his breath against your core.

"Are you gonna make it?" He asked. "You're looking a bit flustered."

"Will you quit teasing me?"

He flashed a devilishly playful smile. "I'm not teasing you. I fully intend to give you everything you want. It's not my fault if you lack patience."

He placed a gentle kiss on your clit, the rough cracks of his lips creating enough friction to make your toes curl, but it was the soft warmth of his tongue against you that finally drew a moan from your throat. He hummed his satisfaction, which only added to the sensations as he continued exploring your heat with his mouth.

"Tomura, fuck. . ."

Your hand moved to grip his hair, needing something to ground you in reality as pleasure overtook your body and clouded your mind. His tongue moved faster against your clit, rushing you closer to your orgasm. It wasn't long before you completely fell apart, pulling at his hair and crying out his name. Once you'd gotten past the peak of your climax, he moved to lay next to you. He propped himself up on his elbow and lazily ran a few fingers through your hair.

"I'm surprised," you said.

"What do you mean?"

"No games."

"I told you."

"Maybe you aren't so evil after all," you joked.

He laughed, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you closer. "Don't tell the others."

"I dunno, you might have to buy my silence," you teased.

"What's your price?"

You snaked a hand behind his neck and pulled him into a kiss, hooking your leg over his hip at the same time so you could press his body against yours. He smirked against your lips, chuckling to himself.

You broke away from him. "What?"

"Was that your answer?"

You avoided the question, instead tugging at his shirt. "This isn't fair. I'm practically naked."

"So that's a yes?"

"Will you just shut up and take your clothes off?"

He clicked his tongue, shaking his head at you. "So impatient. We'll have to work on that."

Despite his chastisement, he listened. He pulled his clothes off and threw them next to yours on the floor before reaching behind you to unhook your bra. His hands covered your breasts, careful as always to keep at least one finger off of you. Then, he leaned into your chest and replaced one of your hands with his mouth, sucking bruises on your skin and flicking his tongue against your nipple.

You bit your lip, trying to contain a moan, not wanting to seem anymore desperate, but it just became a whimper in your throat. You felt him smile against your chest and move his free hand down to between your legs. You were so wet that he slid two fingers in you like it was nothing. He scissored them back and forth, stretching you out as he continued toying with your nipples. You couldn't contain yourself any longer. You tugged at his hair as you moaned his name.

"What is it, baby?" He asked.

You grabbed at his hip, trying to pull him closer to you.

"You want something?"

"Stop teasing me. You said no games."

He feigned a sudden realization. "Ohh, you want me in here?" He thrusted his fingers deeper into you, making sure to curl them over your g-spot and drag another moan from your throat.

"Fuck. Yes."

He kissed your forehead. "Of course, baby."

With the hand that was on your chest, he steadied himself on the bed, and with the other he lined his tip up with your entrance. There were no games. He didn't tease you, he didn't make you beg, he just eased himself in until you were completely filled. You arched against him and dug your nails into his shoulders, loving the feeling of him stretching you out.

"Am I good to move?" He asked after a moment, gently brushing his nose against yours.

You nodded.

He slowly pulled his hips back before sinking into you again, repeating the motion over and over until he found a good rhythm.

His movements were different this time. Before, he had seemed desperate, slamming into you at a rough pace. Now, his stokes were slow, controlled, passionate—like he was using his body to show you all of the things he couldn't say out loud. He was begging you to stay, to love him, to give him a chance to be the person you'd originally thought he was.

And despite all of the alarms going off in your head, you knew you would.

You could feel the knot building once more in the pit of your stomach. He was pushing you closer to the edge with each languid movement, and you could tell by his breathing that he was getting closer too.

At one point he paused and grabbed one of the pillows from the bed, lifting your hips and setting you back down on it. The new angle that it provided was absolutely euphoric. He reached deeper than before, rolling his hips so that he hit all of the right spots.

"Tomura," you moaned.

"Does that feel good, baby?"

"Yes."

"Are you close?"

You nodded.

"You wanna cum with me?"

"Please," you begged.

"I gonna count you down, alright?"

"Okay."

"Five."

He moved his hand between you.

"Four."

He started drawing quick circles over your clit with his thumb.

"Three."

You could feel your pleasure coiling tighter and tighter.

"T-fuck-two."

You dug your nails into his skin, arching against him.

"One."

You both fell apart, panting and moaning as you let your pleasure wash over you. He caught your lips in a sloppy kiss before moving down your neck, trying to cover every inch of your skin. He wanted you to understand how much he loved you—how much he worshipped you. He wouldn't let you go so easily.

The two of you cleaned up and Tomura gave you another sweatshirt to borrow since he'd decayed your shirt. There was no bathroom attached to his room, so you had to go down the hall. You hadn't taken more than two steps on your way back to his room when you heard a mocking voice.

"Ohhh, Tooomura," He said in a tone meant to mimic your own. "God, it's fucking pathetic."

You turned to see the man from before—the one who'd been a jerk to you in the bar—leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. Your cheeks felt hot—a combination of rage and embarrassment. Had he been listening in on you two?

"It's Dabi, right?" You asked. "Look, I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but will you just leave me the hell alone?"

He kicked off of the wall, closing the distance between you and getting in your face. "My problem is you. I've got big plans for my future and the league can help me see them through, but not if you're here. You're too much of a distraction. You'll just end up making Shigaraki soft—him and the rest of the league."

"I'm not trying to be a distraction," you insisted.

"Oh, please," he scoffed. "It's only a matter of time before you brainwash Shigaraki into thinking that what we're doing is pointless. Love is like a fucking poison."

He shoved past you and disappeared down the hallway. You must've seemed off when you got back to Tomura's room because a look of concern quickly spread across his face.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"Fine," you replied, clenching and unclenching your fists as you kept your gaze trained on the floor. You were trying to keep your anger from bubbling over and causing you to do something stupid. How could Dabi think you were bad for Tomu? You wouldn't make him soft. You wouldn't make him give up on the world he was trying to create—a world where everyone was equal. Why would you?

"Are you sure?"

You finally looked up at him. Your determination was radiating off of you as you announced: "I want to join the league."

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