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writtendaydreamm · 3 years

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One Rule

Daniel had one rule he followed on race weekends. No sex.

Warnings: 18+, NSFW, smut

It was a Grand Prix weekend and the first one y/n’s been able to attend all season. While Daniel was excited to have his girlfriend cheering him on during qualifying today, he wasn’t too thrilled about what a tease she’s been as of late. She was proving to be quite the distraction. Not exactly what he needed leading up to a big race.

It was a bit out of character for y/n. She normally tried to be as unassuming as possible during race weekends. The last thing she wanted was to jeopardize Daniel’s focus or performance. She mostly stayed out of sight and out of mind allowing him to get into the right headspace. She understood being a driver’s girlfriend required sacrifice. Fortunately for her, Daniel never asked for much. He really only had one rule during race weekends. No sex.

Now, if you know Daniel, you know he’s not really a follow-the-rules type of guy. He was more of a rule-breaker if anything. So for him to even have a no-sex rule at all, meant it was something he took seriously.

This all started very early on in his career after a horrible performance during a race he happened to have sex prior to. Needless to say, that race was one of the worst he’s ever had. Whether that incident was a fluke or if the sex really did affect his performance, only God knows. Either way, since then Daniel made it a rule to never have sex before driving. Whether that be for free practice, qualifying, or the actual race.

In accordance with his no-sex rule, the couple kept it PG these past few days sharing nothing more than some chaste kisses. It was driving Y/n up the wall. This rule never really bothered her before. But it had been so long since she and Daniel got to spend any real time together. It’s probably been around a month since they last saw each other in person. Every part of her missed him. His presence. His touch.

If she weren’t so desperate for him, she’d be impressed by his willpower. If the roles were reversed she would’ve given in by now. Y/n was not making it easy for him at all. Teasing him every chance she got. But to no avail. Dan still hasn’t budged

Y/n was just about ready to accept defeat until last night when Daniel’s resolve started to show signs of wavering. In a last-ditch effort to try and turn Daniel on enough so he’d finally fuck her, y/n wore nothing more one of than his t-shirts to bed. She was hoping for the best, but not expecting much. Daniel was already settled under the covers, headphones on, and ready for bed by the time she got there. But around a few minutes after she joined him, he got up to take a shower. Odd, since he had already taken one just before bed. Then after hearing a faint but familiar grunt coming form the bathroom, it clicked. He was taking a cold shower to get rid of his boner.

So when Y/n got dressed this morning, she didn’t choose the skimpy summer outfit she was wearing by chance. It was a calculated decision. One that would hopefully break whatever was left of Daniel’s resolve so he’ll finally toss that no-sex rule out the window.

When y/n asked him to tie her top from behind, Daniel nearly lost it right then. All he wanted to do was pepper kisses all along her neck and shoulder. How he wished he could just turn her around and pepper kisses along her breasts that were supported by nothing more than this flimsy top. But remembering his rule, he took a deep breath and pushed those thoughts aside.

Today was qualifying and Daniel was determined to earn a starting position within the top 5. He needed to be laser-focused on driving his race car at its limit today. Getting everything he can out of it. He had half a mind to lock y/n up in his car for the rest of the day the way she was acting right now. She was being a total tease the entire drive from their hotel to the circuit. Doing all the things she knew would turn him on. Like playing with his curls. Lightly massaging that spot on the nape of his neck. Running her hands over his thighs. Hiking her already short skirt up even higher.

Daniel knew exactly what she was doing. It’s not like she was being shy or discreet at all. And as much as he wanted to give her what she wanted, to rip the delicate fabric off her and take her in the back seat of his McLaren right then and there, he couldn’t shake the thought of his no-sex rule from his mind.

Swallowing hard, Daniel used every last bit of his self-control to resist her. He was so tense, his grip on the steering wheel had turned his knuckles white. Relief washed over him seeing the circuit was only a few minutes away now. He wasn’t sure how long his will would’ve lasted.

When Daniel finally parked the car, there was no denying the very visible tent that had formed in his jeans.

“Y/n,” Daniel groaned irritatedly. There were going to be cameras everywhere. There was no way he could walk out of his car like this.

She quickly feigned innocence. “What?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “You know what. I can’t go out on the paddock like this right now.”

“Well all you have to do is let me help you take care of that then,” y/n pouted.

“Y/n, c’mon now. You know we can’t,” Daniel reminded her. His voice lacked any actual conviction though. “I just need a second to relax.”

Daniel closed his eyes, started to take deep breaths. In and out. In and out. It seemed to work as the tightness in his jeans started to let up.

That feeling didn’t last long though as y/n used this moment to feel him up through his jeans. Daniel’s eyes shot open as he inhaled sharply at the feeling. His hand gripped her wrist tightly but made no effort to remove her hand.

Y/n’s pussy throbbed at the feeling of how hard Daniel was for her and at how miserably he was failing to contain himself.

“The last time I fucked a girlfriend before a race I had the worst race of my life y/n,” Daniel warned her weakly.

“Well obviously, your ex wasn’t a good enough fuck,” y/n countered, her hand squeezing him through his jeans just a little. “If you won’t fuck me then at let me at least suck you off baby. How about that?”

Daniel couldn’t think straight. His mind wanted one thing, and his dick wanted something else. Her suggestion seemed like a good idea. It would be like a loophole. It wasn’t technically the same kind of sex that his rule referred to. A blowjob should be fine, right?

He took a glance around the parking lot to make sure no one was there. His McLaren was tinted pretty dark, but not dark enough to conceal them completely. A little part of him hoped someone would be outside so he had a reason to resist her. But a much larger part of him was incredibly eager to feel y/n’s lips around him.

“Fuck it,” Daniel grunted under his breath, throwing caution to the wind. He released his tight grip on her wrist and instantly took her lips in his for a hungry kiss.

Y/n smiled against his lips as she started palming him through his jeans. She pulled away, shifting in her seat to better face him. Her hands eagerly began undoing his belt and jeans.

Once she got them undone and Dan helped her pull them down mid-thigh, his dick sprang up. Wasting no time, y/n began pumping him with her hands.

Dan threw his head back in pleasure. He ran a hand through her hair, fingers lightly raking her scalp. As good as this felt right now, he knew how much better her lips would feel around him. His hand on her head began pushing her face towards his dick.

Y/n scoffed at his impatience but she figured she’d teased the poor guy long enough. Rather than fighting his hand, she allowed him to guide her head closer and closer to his dick. When she got close enough, y/n dribbled a little spit onto it.

“Fucking hell, y/n,” Daniel moaned. He may have controlled his urges for her all weekend, but it wasn’t easy. He was ready to let go and reach m the release she was about to bring him to.

When y/n finally wrapped her lips around him, he bit his lip hard to hold in another moan daring to slip out. She focused on his tip, swirling her tongue around it. Her hands pumping the rest of his dick her lips had yet to run across.

When she felt satisfied with the attention had given the tip of his dick, she released him from her mouth with a pop. The cool air from the AC still running was a stark contrast to her warm, wet mouth.

Her tongue licked a stripe from the very base of his dick, up to the tip before taking him in her mouth again. She did this a couple more times before finally sinking her mouth down on as much of his dick as she could handle. He gathered her hair into a makeshift ponytail so as to keep it out of her way and to give him a better view.

Daniel could no longer hold in his moans when he felt her start hollowing out her cheeks adding extra suction as she bobbed her head.

“It feels so fucking good, baby.”

Y/n began moving her head up and down faster at the praise.

“Yeah baby, just like that. Just like that,” Daniel instructed her, his voice hoarse and husky. Both hands were now on her head helping to guide her up and down at the exact pace he needed. He was getting close.

Y/n took her mouth off him, needing some air. Daniel let out a low groan as he saw what a wreck she looked like. Her eyes were tearing, lipstick smudged, saliva all around her mouth. What a fucking sight. With his hand still on the back of her head, he brought her face to his for a wet, sloppy kiss. Y/n kept pumping his dick with her hand as their tongues battled for dominance.

Daniel pulled away first, missing the feeling of her lips on his dick. Y/n went right back to sucking on him bringing him closer to his peak.

With both hands holding her head steady, he started moving his hips up into her mouth. Daniel couldn’t control himself anymore. It started off slow and steady. But quickly, it grew rough and fast. Y/n gagged a few times as he hit the back of her throat. Her hands were on his thighs bracing herself as he chased his orgasm.

“I’m close y/n, I’m so close,” Daniel groaned.

His hips were unrelenting as he fucked her face. The rhythm he had going turned erratic. After a couple of firm thrusts, he reached his orgasm coming in her mouth. A satisfied moan left his lips as his hands let go of her head. Y/n tried to swallow as much of his load as she could before bobbing her head up and down his dick a few more times for good measure.

“That felt so fucking good y/n,” Daniel said still trying to catch his breath. He stroked her hair lovingly, trying to tame the mess he created.

Y/n just pecked him on the lips before plopping back into the passenger's seat. After fixing themselves up, the couple walked hand in hand towards the paddock. They shared one last kiss before Daniel went off to prepare and suit up for qualifying.

Out there on the track, he was surprisingly the most relaxed he’s been in a long time. He was in tune with his car and making better decisions on the fly. His lap times decreasing with every lap he finished. At the end of the last round of qualifying, Daniel managed to secure the third starting position for tomorrow. The best starting position he’s had with McLaren so far.

Maybe that no-sex rule was doing more harm than good.

When he entered his McLaren motorhome he was immediately greeted with a big hug from Y/n. “You did so amazing out there Danny.”

“Reckon it had a little something to do with that mouth of yours aye,” Daniel said cheekily, running his hand along her back.

Y/n slapped his chest playfully. “Well, I mean at least now you know that stupid rule of yours was just bull shit.”

“Nah I’m not so sure,” Daniel started, before shooting her a wink. “I think we need to test it out again tomorrow before my race. See how well I perform then.”

#daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo smut #daniel ricciardo imagine #formula 1 smut #formula 1 fanfiction

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glowingbadger · 3 years

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Okay, so I had a thought for our dear fox boy, Kurama.... Imagine, "trying" to tease him by going down on him only to suddenly switch it up and go down on you instead, especially when you least expect it as revenge. You're on the phone with your best friend and suddenly he's there between your legs, but you can't say anything or let your friend know.

Oh-hoo, a most excellent concept, friend- and actually plays into a couple things I've written about Kurama before too, so I guess I should have seen this coming xD

Also this all just reminded me that I HAVE to do some sketches of the YYH boys in late 90's fashion. Ugh, what absolute icons.

Kurama (YYH) x AFAB Reader

NSFW 18+ v

Kurama's hair splays out across the pillow, making him look for all the world like a lounging ingenue in a romantic painting. Still, those emerald eyes level on you with a sharp cunning that tells you clearly where you stand. He wears a subdued smile that someone who didn't know him might find pleasant, charming- but you know what the grin of a fox spirit really means.

"Feeling rather bold today, aren't you?" he says, his tone light and conversational, even as your hands run down his chest and the toned contours of his abdomen from atop his clothing.

"Well, it doesn't seem fair for you to call the shots all the time," you reply from your position straddling his hips. You like to think you sound the part of the confident seductress, but your heart leaps every time you meet Kurama's calculated gaze. You may be in the "dominant" position, but you know you haven't nearly tamed him. For now, you'll just have to try to push him a bit further.

You kiss a slow and deliberate path down the center of his torso, undoing the buttons of his shirt one-by-one, and revelling in the feeling of firm muscle shifting and flexing at your touch. Kurama lets out an openly pleasured sigh, and doesn't shy away in the slightest as your hands reach the front of his jeans. With a playful little hum, you run your hand up along the bulge of his stiffening cock beneath layers of fabric. Very subtly, his hips shift up towards your touch, and you bite at your lip as your eyes flicker up to his yet unreadable expression.

"You must be much more sensitive than you let on, Kurama," you tease, tracing his length with a single finger, "You're already this hard, after all."

Just as you'd started to feel sure of having the upper hand, he props himself up on an elbow to observe you between his thighs. One hand reaches down to caress your cheek, ending at your chin, where his thumb runs the curve of your lower lip.

"Of course I am," he replies bluntly, "It's only natural when I desire you so ardently. Besides," he goes on, his grin curling into a smirk, "If your aim is retribution for all that I've done to you, then I imagine I have quite a thrilling evening to look forward to."

So much for flustering him, or even just getting him to act a little bit shy. Your cheeks burn hot, and you mumble,

"Should have tied you up. And gagged you, while we're at it."

"Hm. Perhaps you should have," Kurama replies casually.

This bastard. Is it really this impossible to gain the slightest bit of ground on him?

Impatient for results, you undo the front of his jeans, and tug them down with his boxers, freeing his impressive member from its confines. Kurama continues to watch you comfortably as you take the base of his cock in hand and slowly drag your tongue up the underside of his shaft. You can feel it twitching and swelling in your hand, hardening to its full size before too long. Frankly, you've half a mind to climb onto his lap and ride him then and there. He does so love to tease you- the chance to have him now without the usual exercise of restraint is undeniably tempting. For the time being, you satisfy yourself with gently licking and kissing his twitching manhood, letting the warmth of your breath and fleeting touches gently stimulate him.

He is clearly enjoying himself; aside from the soft murmurs of pleasure he grants you as your tongue circles the crown of his cock, his direct gaze hasn't wavered for even a moment. Still propped up above you, he absently strokes your hair in one hand as half-lidded eyes watch your attempts to provoke him.

"You mean to tease me, I see..." he says softly, his tone only hinting at his amusement. Even better concealed is the heady arousal building at his core- his desire to break this arrogant facade you've put on, to see you crumble back into obedience at his hands.

And as if by divine providence, his opportunity arrives.

The phone at the bedside table rings, and you pause to glance up at Kurama. Only the glint in his eye hints at his plan at first- but then, as you watch in disbelief, he picks up the phone before it's finished its third ring. He sits upright as he greets your friend on the line, and your body feels hot and cold all at once.

"Hm? Oh, yes- right here, in fact. One moment."

Kurama meets your eyes with a smirk and offers the phone to you with his hand cupped over the receiver. Your face is burning red, and you grumble near inaudibly,

"No fair!"

He gives a short laugh, tucking away his still-hard cock and then fixing his clothing with his free hand as he says,

"I apologize if I have ever given you the impression that I am 'fair' by nature." All at once, he catches you around the waist and pulls you down onto your back on the bed. You resist crying out in surprise, if only because when you look up at him and see the smouldering heat in his eyes, your breath catches in your chest. Then, without a word, he hands the phone to you. Biting nervously at your lower lip, you take it from him, clear your throat, and say,

"He-hey! How's it going?"

Your friend immediately launches into an excited ramble about the finale of a show she's been following obsessively for the last year and a half. Honestly, you should have expected this call- stupid of you to think you'd have the evening free with the finale airing. As she goes on about how "so many of her predictions were dead-on," Kuramas hands run indulgently down the contours of your body. Your heart races, and you can't help tensing, arching up against him just a little. Then, he's working your pants down off your hips, and you give him a pleading look that he meets like a stone wall.

"-- I mean, can you believe it?! It's like, exactly what I said would happen!!"

"Yeah, that's, uh," you struggle to keep up, but your eyes are fixed on Kurama lowering himself between your bared legs, "that's pretty wild..."

With a placade grin on his face, he kisses a trail down the inside curve of your thigh, his touches delicate and yet unreserved. Your eyelids flutter half-shut, but you force yourself to- more or less -follow the thread of your friend's rant. That is, until you feel the sting of Kurama's teeth at the soft flesh far up the inner curve of your thigh. He sucks a dark love-bite to your skin- one that you know will remind you of his presence there for days to come. Still, you manage to camouflage your gasp of shock and pleasure into a sudden cough.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, totally! Sorry, don't mind me- go on!" you babble out your reply in a hurry, knowing you won't be able to trust your voice when Kurama continues this torment. He chuckles silently behind his hand, and you pout uselessly at him. Rather than acknowledge this, he refocuses on his task as the phone rant continues. You do your best to keep a consistent stream of "Oh, yeah?" and "Wow, crazy!", all while elegant fingers spread your lower lips and warm breath teases your over-sensitive body. Then, without warning, his tongue glides firm across your aching clit. Your thighs twitch in around his head and you arch up from the bed.

"Woa--! That's... incredible!" you translate the gasp you desperately want to let out into a perhaps overly-enthusiastic reply. Fortunately, your friend is too caught up in her finale recap to police her own excitement, let alone yours. Still wearing that cocky smirk, Kurama pushes his hair back behind his ears, then returns to tease your clit with the tip of his tongue.

He doesn't let up after this, and frankly, your impulses are torn. Part of you wants to be as subtle as possible, to silently endure the slow, luxurious movements of his lips and tongue pulsing against your cunt and stiffened clit. Another part of you- the part you're fighting to subdue -wants to grab onto that silky red hair and grind against him, to rush yourself to your climax and to spare yourself further torture. But you and Kurama both know you won't be able to keep quiet if you do. So you fuss anxiously with the phone's tangled cord, shifting and squirming on the bed beneath him and biting back pleasured gasps and whimpers.

Your legs are trembling around him and you're positively soaked with your arousal and his saliva. Leaning back on the pillow, you scrunch your eyes closed and take a deep breath.

"Oh- you remember that one voice actor I told you about?"

"Yeah, uh," you struggle to pull your thoughts together, but Kurama nudges the flat of his tongue rhythmically against your clit, and your body is begging for release, "This show... was his first big on-screen thing, right?" you manage to choke out. As though pleased by your performance, your lover gives a soft hum that sends his breath fluttering over your vulnerable skin, then presses more firmly into you. His skillful tongue teases your entrance for a moment, rubbing into you while your muscles tighten, instinctively longing for friction, for something inside, for something to cling to. You're panting silently, biting at your finger to keep quiet while your friend tells you all about her latest celebrity crush.

So close. You're so dangerously close to the rush of your climax. But you hold on, every inch of your body aching with need and restraint. Kurama can obviously sense the desperate state you're in, and you know that he's savoring it. And yet, when you glance down to watch the erotic movements of his mouth, the way his eyes devour you, the way his hands grip at your hips- you realize that you don't have it in you to care about your pride anymore.

"Anyway, they're airing an interview with the cast soon, so I gotta go so I don't miss it."

The words are a beacon of hope, and while your friend apologizes for cutting out so suddenly, you assure her again and again that you don't mind.

"Really, you should... go- uh, go enjoy the thing!"

Kurama's lips seal around your clit and the dearly sensitive surrounding flesh. His tongue flicks across the hard little bundle over and over, his hands firm at your hips, holding you strictly in place. He's not holding back anymore. Your eyes roll back and your body burns, but you keep yourself silent. Just a little longer. Don't let him make you cum- not yet. He feels too good- and you know he wouldn't care if you screamed his name for your friend or anyone else to hear.

"Oh, also, we should totally grab coffee or something soon!"

"Yeah- that sounds really good-!" your back arcs up from the sheets.

"Cool! I'll call again soon, byeeee!"

You hear the click of the receiver on the other end. Your arms go limp, dropping the phone to the floor. Kurama leans over you, pushing himself against you while his tongue works your clit and you gasp aloud for him.

"Kurama! Ohhh... Oh, God- I'm-!"

A tingling, sparkling wave of pleasure explodes from your core and rushes across the surface of your skin. You can't remember the last time you came this hard, and you imagine Kurama can feel what he's doing to you. Your taste coats his tongue, one shaky hand weaves your fingers through his hair as your hips buck towards him. With one last desperate cry of his name, you relax back onto the bed, your boneless limbs making you feel like a puddle of mindless bliss.

Panting, practically gasping for breath, your unfocused eyes gaze up at the ceiling as the last tremors of your climax pass through you.

"Haa... Mm, Kurama..." you whimper out as he places one last kiss to your now soaked folds.

He crawls up atop you, and a gentle hand turns your face to him. His smile is warm and openly affectionate, and he caresses your cheek like a groom at the altar. Looking at him now, it's hard to imagine he's the same man who just put you through that unique form of torture. You're still catching your breath, and when he kisses you with all the tenderness in the world, you can hardly even reciprocate.

"Well done, my love," he says at last, "Do you think you can continue to behave for me tonight?"

Some distant part of your mind realizes that you've been manipulated- that he's utterly dismantled your attempt at dominance. You should be frustrated. You should try to regain the upper hand and show him that he doesn't always gets to be in control. Instead, your half-lidded eyes meet him and you murmur,

"Yes... I'll be good..."

#kurama #yu yu hakusho #kurama yyh #shuichi minamino #kurama x reader #yu yu hakusho smut #kurama smut #x reader #yu yu hakusho imagines

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yikesharringrove · 3 years

Text

Show Pony

Chapter one - Big Sky

Also on Ao3

Billy doesn’t give a fuck about the rodeo.

He doesn’t care about country music, or fancy horse riding, or the beauty queens, even the bull riders.

What he does give a fuck about it not being in his house today.

Not when his dad was obviously itching to pick a fight. Not when Max gave him such an easy out over breakfast.

“I saw a flyer for a rodeo. I think it’d be kinda neat.”

It was in town for four more weeks.

And Billy could tell the second he and Max bought tickets, he was about to be spending more time than he ever fuckin’ thought he would spend at a rodeo.

He based that on the way Max’s eyes lit up the second she stepped inside the big fairgrounds.

Not knowing that he was right. He was about to spend a lot of time at the rodeo.

But not for Max.

For himself.

And a pretty horse rider named Steve.

He didn’t see Steve that first day.

Was too busy shelling out his own hard-earned cash to buy Max sugary funnel cakes. Sitting next to her watching the poor suckers get bucked off their pissed-off bull.

But when Max was in the car she turned to him, the sun setting outside, eyes as wide as dinner plates.

“Can we come back tomorrow?”

And the tickets were dirt cheap. And Billy hates being at home.

So they did.

And they watched the rodeo queens.

And the team-roping.

But it wasn’t until the calf roping that Billy felt his heart sink.

Because he thinks Steve Harrington might be the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.

Tall and broad, smiling like sunshine at his gorgeous black quarter horse, patting her strong neck and leading her to the entry point of the arena.

His name was loudly announced after the event name.

Calf roping, with our very own Steve Harrington! Steve will navigate his beautiful June into the arena, trying to rope and tie down a calf as quickly as possible!

Billy had tuned out everything but his name.

Leaning forward on his bench seat to watch him lead June up to the starting line, give her a few more pats before swinging one leg up, heaving himself up and over her back, settling into the saddle with a grace Billy doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to describe.

Steve appeared to shake himself out, leaning forward over June’s neck to speak quietly to the sleek horse, wiggling his hips a bit in the saddle.

And then he sat back up, readying himself and waiting for the countdown.

He was off like a fucking shot.

Billy’s never seen anything fucking like it.

June kicked up dirt as she thundered through the arena behind a small herd of a few calves, Steve ducked low against her neck as he led her forward, his lips moving as he spoke quietly to her, egging her on and forward. He was clinging to her for dear life, his legs straining as he was tossed up and down in the saddle.

And then he let go of her reins, one hand reaching for the rope on his belt.

And it was the most hick shit he’s ever seen.

This flannel-wearing cowboy on his perfect fucking horse, roping a baby fucking cow.

He slipped the knot around it from his perch on the moving horse, lassoing it easily like that was a common skill, and with a fluid practiced movement, he tossed himself off the slowing horse, getting on one knee to tip over the calf and tie it up like it was second nature.

And maybe it was. Performing in a show like this.

That’s all it was, a performance. Practiced and rehearsed over and over for Steve and June.

It was over in a blink, Steve tossing his hands up to show he was finished, and the calf didn’t break its bonds.

The whistle blew and Steve’s time was read to the arena. Nine seconds. And apparently, nine seconds was a good time, judging by the way Steve’s raised his fists in the air, and patted June’s neck so gently.

He mounted back on his gorgeous horse as the calf he had roped was released by a few of the rodeo workers and the next guy took his position at the starting line.

Steve did a lap around the arena of June’s back, smiling and waving to the crowd.

And maybe Billy just has an overactive imagination.

Maybe his stupid gay brain was looking for something not there.

But he could’ve sworn he saw Steve grin just a little bit brighter in his direction.

There were a few riders after him. Competing to earn a faster score on the same track.

But Billy didn’t give a fuck about calf roping if he wasn’t watching Steve and June.

The sun was setting as Billy finally led Max out of the fairgrounds, one hand on the top of her head, steering her towards the Camaro.

“So, you think we can come back next weekend” Max was giving him a big shit-eating grin, powdered sugar all done her front from the final funnel cake Billy had shelled out to buy her.

“Don’t see why not. Get’s us outta the fuckin’ house, don’t it.”

“Plus, there are lots of good-looking cowboys, just everywhere. Did you see the guy doing the cattle roping, or whatever? He was cute .” Billy rolled his eyes. Max was just touching the age when she stopped thinking of boys as gross, saw them as cute, and whatever else she said. It also made her realize that having a gay brother apparently meant talking about nothing but boys. It made Billy wanna slam his head into the steering wheel. He grunted in response as she kept going on and on about Steve.

Like Billy didn’t see the way his thighs gripped the sides of his horse, like he didn’t watch as he hurled himself off June to tie up the fucking calf. Like he didn’t watch him take that fucking victory lap, shit-eating grin looking like home on his pretty fucking face.

“You gotta carry your own weight, you know that, right Shitbird? I’m talking, pay for your own damn fried shit.” He bets Susan would give him money for tickets if he acts real nice this week.

He can’t blow all his savings at the fucking rodeo of all things this summer. He’s got plans for the wad of cash burning a hole in the shoebox in the back of his closet.

Max huffed at him.

“What am I supposed to do? Get a job? I’m thirteen .”

“So? Babysit or some shit. Rob an ATM. Fuck if I care. Just quit stealing all ‘a my goddamn cash for your fuckin’ funnel cakes .”

“You’re just pissed off because you didn’t try one. They’re the best. You gotta have one next week.”

“I, unlike you, care about what I put in my body.”

“Yeah, because cigarettes and beer are so much better than fried dough .”

“Whatever.” The truth is, Billy’s gotta watch what he eats. Max didn’t know him when he was prepubescent and chubby. He can’t be sitting there shoving funnel cakes in his mouth and not expect it to all go to his gut. Not like her. There’s not an ounce of fucking baby fat on her. She’s positively scrawny. If anything, the funnel cake might help her out a bit.

“Yeah, whatever .” She huffed, slumping back in her passenger seat. “But can we come back?”

“Fuck, if you keep askin’ me, the answer’s no .”

She huffed again. She does that a whole lot when they talk.

“Don’t act like you didn’t like it. I saw the way you were watching Steve race. You were practically drooling .”

Billy clenched his jaw.

“Was not .”

“Was too .”

And Max had a knack of leading Billy into moments like this, childish little arguments that made him feel kinda weird inside. Made him feel kinda warm at how sibling it was. Like they hadn’t been forced together just a few years ago.

For all his bitching, he really did like the little spit. If he didn’t, he’d be a bigger asshole than she’s always accusing him of being.

“You don’t even know what I look like when I’m really eyeing a boy, if you think that was it. Just, you know. Respected his riding.”

“ Respected his riding. Yeah ‘cause you wish he was riding-”

“Finish that sentence and I’m pushing you out of the fucking car.”

“I’m right, though.”

Billy just reached forward to turn up the radio, letting Dee Snider drown out any other awful shit Max wanted to say to him.

Which was probably showing his hand too much. No direct answer pretty much means affirmative when it comes to Billy. And yeah, Max knows that. Judging by the way she’s cackling like a goddamn gremlin over the sound of the music.

He just pressed his foot down further on the gas pedal, letting them fly down the highway.

And he thought about Steve and June, thought about how fast Steve could press that girl to go. Thought about him leaning forward, flattening himself to the horse’s neck, gripping onto the reins and urging her forward, urging her faster.

And if he thought about those strong legs wrapped around him, if he thought about what Max was about to say, Steve riding Billy like he would that fucking horse, his hips flexing as he bounces up and down, well, that’s his business.

And the next Saturday, Susan slid him a crisp twenty-dollar bill to buy Max some lunch at the rodeo.

They took it more seriously this time, bringing water bottles, and Max slathering thick white sunscreen on her freckled skin.

Billy even wore shorts, some old jeans he sacrificed to the summer gods when he wore holes in the thighs and chopped pretty much in half.

And it was kinda fun.

He knew what to expect now. Knew the barrel racing was all women, all beautiful horses winding their way along clover-shaped tracks. He knew that the bull riding was a little more fun to watch with a shot in him, and that his fake i.d. could get him an alcohol wristband from the tent at the front.

Max sneered at him when he bought himself a beer later in the day.

“Uh, you know you have to drive me home, right? Like, and not crash your stupid car on the way home.”

“Fuck off. It’s one beer.”

“And also that shot earlier, and I know you have a flask.”

“Okay, what are you, the cops? I’m just tryna enjoy myself in this blistering fucking heat. I don’t exactly get my rocks off to any of this shit.” Which is a lie. He’s totally sold on every stupid fucking event at the motherfucking rodeo.

“Fine. You wanna get stupid and drunk? Then you have to take me to the pageant. I wanna watch it.”

“Since fucking when do you give a shit about the pageant .” Max glared at him. Her nose was beginning to get red.

Maybe if Billy were less of a shithead he would tell her to put some sunscreen on. But she was really testing his patience today.

And then her eyes went huge, and her jaw went slack, and Billy was just about to tell her to close it and quit lookin’ like a dead fuckin’ fish when he heard someone cough slightly behind him.

And when he turned, he almost made the exact same stupid dead fish face as Max.

Because gorgeous cowboy Steve was standing right in front of him. In another cracker of a flannel shirt, stupid blue jeans, and fucking cowboy boots, because yeah. He’s a goddamn hick that rides a horse and ties up calves in a traveling rodeo for a fucking living.

And God save Billy, because hot damn.

Steve had an easy smile on his face, a little bit lopsided, and perfect white teeth showing between perfect pink lips.

“Hey there.”

“Howdy,” Billy responded before he could stop himself, his face burning up.

He was hoping he was already sweaty enough Steve wouldn’t notice the flush.

But thankfully, Steve’s smile went wider, and he laughed, this gorgeous bright laugh, his head tossing back, and that thick hair flowing easily.

He had gold streaks in his hair, lighter browns tussled within the darker colors. Billy wondered if they were natural, days spent out in the sun on his horse. Part of him hoped they weren’t. Part of him hoped that Steve was that intentional with himself and his goddamn hair.

He smiled at Billy.

“I’m Steve.”

“We saw you. Last weekend,” Max blurted out before Billy could kick her. She looked shocked that she had even spoken when Billy turned to give her a death glare. But Steve just laughed his gorgeous laugh again.

“And what’d you think?”

“She wouldn’t shut up about you on the way home.” And Steve was back to looking at Billy, and his eyes are so fucking big, like, who’s eyes are just. Like that. Just fuckin’. Big.

“And what about you, uh-”

“Billy. And this is Max. My sister.”

“Well, Billy,” and fuck Billy nearly creamed himself at the sound of Steve saying his name. “Did you like my display of talents ?”

“Could say so. I don’t give too many shits about all this hick farm stuff. But I can respect it.”

“Well, that’s alright then.” And Steve reached out to pat Billy once on the shoulder. “I hope I see y’all around. I gotta head off, June needs some TLC before our time.” He smiled at Max, and her already red face flushed deeper, almost blending into the roots of her flaming hair.

And then he doubled back.

“You know what, I forgot why I came over here in the first place.” He was digging through his jeans, rummaging around in his back pockets.

Billy wanted to slide his hands in there, cop a feel while he helped Steve look for whatever he was going to offer Billy.

And then Steve brought out two white wristbands.

“They’re for, uh, VIP seating and stuff. If you’re interested. Gets you closer to the arena. That way I can just see what you look like after I’m comin’ off a ride.”

Hoo boy.

This little cowboy has some fucking charm.

And he knows it too, judging by his smug little half-smile he gave Billy while he fastened the wristband around his wrist.

He helped Max with hers, doing it faster than he had Billy’s, and with a lot less eye contact, which was a good sign. He’s not perving on his twelve-year-old sister. Which is cool.

And then he was looking back at Billy, and brushing his long fingers over the tops of Billy’s shoulders, his arms out in his shirt, the arms torn off an old Aerosmith t-shirt he found at the Goodwill last year.

“You should reapply sunblock. Don’t want you burning now.” And Billy’s sure if Steve was wearing a Stetson, he woulda tipped it at them. “Enjoy the pageant.”

And he was off, and Christ, those jeans. How did Steve even successfully ride his horse in those things? They were so tight, showed off his nice peachy ass as he walked through the fairgrounds.

“Wow,” Max said. And yeah, Billy felt the same.

“In case it wasn’t clear, based on the way he was flirting with me, and also that he’s way too old for you, but, uh, dibs .”

“Billy, you can’t just call dibs on a person.” Billy just laughed.

He knows that his twelve-year-old fucking sister doesn’t have a shot in Hell with Steve. Really, he doubts he even has a shot in Hell with Steve, but he also likes to spend his time making her life as difficult as possible without actually being a shitty person. So, he just riles her up. Says shit that’ll get her going. He wouldn’t be doing his brotherly duties if he didn’t say that shit.

Max calls it even by kicking him in the shin twice and making him watch the stupid beauty pageant.

Which, like, why the fuck are there beauty pageants at the rodeo anyway?

Turns out it wasn’t pageant at all, but the four previous Miss Rodeo’s all lined up and looking far too glammed out for this fucking heat.

Max faked being disgruntled by the disappointment, but Billy knows, somewhere inside that tough bitch little soul of hers, she’s glad she didn’t have to sit through a goddamn pageant just to make Billy miserable.

Besides, Billy had whipped out his flask a few times, and he was feeling alright. Just buzzed enough that the heat had stopped making him feel quite so disgusting.

But not too drunk to miss calf roping.

And yeah, maybe it was a little bit lame to make their way over to the VIP seating earlier enough that they scored the front row. But when Steve came trotting out, leading June behind him, Billy was close enough he could pick out the cluster of moles on Steve’s left cheek.

So, lame was not in Billy’s vocabulary today.

It was pretty much the same thing as last week. Steve made everyone in the arena ooh and aah with his riding, tied up the calf in less than ten seconds once again.

But this time, when he took that jaunty little lap around the small arena, Billy knows for a fact Steve grinned at him. Knows his stupid gay brain wasn’t making up the wink he tossed effortlessly in Billy’s direction.

And they left, just like last weekend, as the sun was beginning to sink below the horizon.

“Just, c’mon. Mom gave you money .” Max was whining for a corn dog, of all things. When they have perfectly good, not fried food, at home.

“Maxine, I swear to Christ, I’m fucking tired. Let’s go home so I can crash, and you can fucking drive Susan up the goddamn wall with your whining.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“I don’t know. He doesn’t seem too bad.” And Billy felt his insides curdling at that voice, felt himself wilting and shriveling because he would not be getting out of this day without one final, no doubt embarrassing, encounter with his gorgeous cowboy.

Steve was leaning against a booth selling chili fries, looking like a perfect picture of a Clint Eastwood movie.

Billy had never liked westerns.

But he was gonna go home and spend all night watching every one he could get his grubby little hands on.

Steve pushed off the side of the booth as Max found her words again.

“You don’t have to live with him.”

“And you don’t have to live with my folks. I’d trade you any day.”

And Billy nearly died. Right there. On the spot. Because. Holy shit. I’d trade you any day.

Billy was more than happy to follow this fucking hick around America, watch him ride his pretty horse before fucking him against the stable wall.

Or whatever. Do they have stables? Billy doesn’t know how a traveling rodeo works.

But like, they’ve gotta have stables, right?

“Nah, you’d get sick of him. He stinks.”

“Have you ever smelled horse shit? Because that’s the fragrance I wake up to every morning.”

And Max was laughing, and Steve was laughing, and Billy was trying to keep his hands as casually as possible in front of his slight chub.

“Will I get the privilege of seeing you two again?” And what a way to word it? The privilege. And then Steve was looking Billy up and down, and he was biting that perfect bottom lip and opening his mouth and “I could always give you my phone number. So we can. Meet up. Next time you’re here.”

“‘Course. You can give us the grand tour.”

And Steve was digging in those tight back pockets again, and shoving his phone into Billy’s hand, and he doesn’t have a passcode, but his home screen was a picture of him and his fucking horse which is, just about the sweetest thing Billy’s ever seen.

And Billy put himself in as Billy Hargrove , and then panicked because Steve doesn’t know his fucking last name. So he settled for Billy and then for good measure shoved San Diego after it because. Billy’s a common name, okay?

And Steve took his non-password protected fuckin’ horse girl phone, and Billy was giving him as charming a smile as he could muster with sweat on his upper lip and saying-

“You better text me, Pretty Boy. So I can save your number.” Billy shrugged, looking off to his left to try and seem. Nonchalant. “In case I wanna see you again.”

And Max was rolling her eyes, but she wasn’t stopping away. Wasn’t even whining at Billy, no doubt on her best behavior in front of hot cowboy Steve.

But Steve had a glint in his eye, and if Max wasn’t here Billy would be playing this all different, laying on the charm a lot thicker than he was.

But he can’t be a horny bastard in front of her. That’s just, like, gross.

So he settles for making a real show of licking his bottom lip, and maybe flexing his bare arms just a tiny bit.

“We should probably get goin’. Got a curfew for this one,” Billy jerked his head in Max’s direction. She huffed before she could stop herself. “See you around, Cowboy Steve.”

And Steve gave another one of his pretty ringing laughs.

“Come again soon, Billy and Max.” And again, Billy’s sure that if Steve were wearing a hat, he would’ve flicked the brim at them as he set off back into the rodeo, dodgin off the main thoroughfare.

“Wow. That was embarrassing for you.”

Billy whipped his head around to stare at Max, giving her the most disgusted look he could muster.

“The fuck you mean?”

“You were so obvious.”

“That’s the fucking point . We were flirting. It’s supposed to be obvious, you demon.” Billy shoved her once before stomping in the direction of the parking lot.

“Yeah but you were like, making these faces at him.”

“Shut the fuck up. I know what I was doing, okay? It was all very calculated . Let him know I’m down for it, and if he texts, then I’m good to go. If not, then I move on.”

And the thought of Steve not texting was kinda, disappointing. Because Billy really wanted him to text. He wanted to stay up late giggling at his phone and the dumb things Steve texts him and pretend they don’t make him flush like a fucking school girl.

He pointedly didn’t look at his notification when he reached the car, just shoved an old tape in and turned up Black Sabbath when Max wrinkled her nose at it.

They were both quiet on the drive back home. Something heavy unsaid between them.

And only as Billy was pulling into his spot in the driveway did Max suck in a big breath to actually put it out there.

“I won’t tell. About him. Not even Mom. Not even that I think he’s cool.”

“Thanks. Easier just to. Avoid at all costs.”

And if Billy were a better person, maybe he would hug her or something.

But they don’t do that. Instead he sighed and didn’t hip check her violently off the porch like his instincts were telling him. So really, he’s a fucking saint.

#yikes writes #rodeo au #show pony #steve harrington #billy harringrove #steve harringrove #thought i'd make a proper post with the story for ppl that wanted to read it here #i'm very proud of it!!#please read it!!

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mindibindi · 3 years

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Beyond disappointed in Ted Lasso. What were they thinking?!

The writing is a complete betrayal and insult to Rebecca’s character and Hannah’s skills as they’re being seriously underused. It’s also insulting Sam’s character.

Hoping someone pulls Rebecca’s head out of her ass tbh. Sam shouldn’t be getting caught in the crossfire of her looking for romance. I know he showed up at her doorstep but she still should’ve turned him away, and not even messaged him in the first place.

Hey, I'm with you, Anon, though we do seem to be in the minority. Sam is definitely not blameless here, he is also in the wrong. But if one of them is more in the wrong, it is Rebecca. I can't speak to whether her head has left her arse as yet because I have quit watching (at least for now). I hear she called it off with Sam in the most recent ep, though not because of any major crisis of conscience or because anyone in her inner circle expressed any reasonable reservations in response to her bad behaviour. And to be honest, I'm not sure we should need to hope and pray that Rebecca's precocious god-daughter, her slimy ex-husband, or the brutal British press will act as a moral compass on this ill-advised relationship. Both Rupert and the press have been set up to some extent as the villains of the piece. And a 14 year old should never have to school her elders on what is and isn't acceptable. Nora's needs have already been neglected by Rebecca for far too long.

If a moral position is to be taken on this, it needs to be taken by the show (because stance matters) and/or by its characters. But the show has for the most part depicted this relationship as ill-advised but ultimately hot, sweet, funny and romantic. As for the characters themselves, Sam has shown at least once that he has some moral backbone but seems to be adorably clueless when it comes to fucking his boss who keeps trying to set boundaries with him. Meanwhile, Rebecca's whole arc in s1 was about learning not to misuse her power for her own selfish ends. In season one, she misused her power within the club in order to exact revenge. In season 2, we have seen her misuse her sexual power, though I still cannot see to what end. I'm a bit at a loss as to what exactly she gets out of this 'relationship' but then I'm a grown woman so I have absolutely no interest in sleeping with a Harry Potter enthusiast barely out of his teens. I couldn't think of anything less sexy and more ick. I was certainly hoping for better character development for her this season.

As to what the writers were thinking, obviously I was not in the writer's room, but I would guess that they were thinking that any drama is good drama, people are stupid and fan devotion will trump any meaningful critique. In other words, they were thinking exactly how every other television writer thinks, despite the fact that this show posited itself as 'not like other TV shows'. This, to me, is where the blame really lies. Not with the characters or with the actors who are doing their best to sell this ludicrous turn of events. It must be noted, however, that both actors were completely blindsided by this relationship that had supposedly been so cleverly foreshadowed. Newsflash: if the people actually living these stories did not see this coming then you haven't foreshadowed shit. Sure, there were a handful of people that paired Rebecca with Sam but this does not constitute proof either. Fans have free-range to imagine and re-imagine characters. In some cases this may extend to imagining relationships between characters who have barely, if ever, interacted. There may be little to no evidence that these characters have even clocked each other's existence and some fans will still ship it. The existence of a handful of shippers does not legitimise such a problematic and divisive plotline making it onscreen.

But wait!, you might argue, this may not be a case of a popular show seeing just how far they can stretch fan devotion. This may not be a case of fan service to a handful of shippers. After all, the creators mapped out the entire three-season arc of Ted Lasso before they even pitched it to Apple. This was their brilliant plan all along! To which I would say: then maybe they should've rethought their second act based on people's strong reactions to their first. Ted Lasso was touted as the show we all needed in 2020. The writers and creators have all marveled at the chord it struck considering it was conceived prior to the pandemic and all the chaos it wrought. And while there is something to be said for having/sticking to a creative vision, there is also something to be said for being flexible and responsive to your audience and the cultural zeitgeist with which you're engaged. Season 1 of Ted Lasso told its story so gently, without creating distrust, division or unnecessary anxiety. It did not treat its audience like a gaggle of stupid lemmings to be led over a succession of narrative cliffs. THIS is what I mean when I say the show has broken with its brand. And look, this whole dark forest thing would be okay if the narrative arc was as well-crafted as s1. Season 1 gave us meaning, cohesion, comfort, sense in a senseless time. It was an almost perfectly crafted season of television. And I kept the faith for 6 episodes, despite the first half of s2 being pretty damn wobbly. But the follow-up to this stellar debut has been less than extraordinary so yeah, perhaps they should've thought a little harder about what made s1 so special before throwing it all out the window.

But wait!, I hear the faithful say, you don't know how things will pan out yet! Wait until the season is over and everything will make sense! But -- wearily and once again, I say -- we should not need to wait until the end of the season to understand what the hell is happening. By this point (over halfway through the season and show) we should have a v clear idea of the show's themes and the characters' arcs. And tbf, from what I can tell there are some fab things happening in other aspects of the show that I wish I could watch and enjoy. But my biggest fear at this point is that they are going to use Sam to solve Rebecca's childlessness. That, like Rupert (because the parallel cannot be avoided), she will become pregnant with a young fling and the show's attitude to this relationship will ultimately be: oh well, it was a bad idea and didn't work out for them but it was all for the best in the end cos who can be mad about a cute lil baaaayyybbbeeee??!! If they do go down this path then I will definitely be abstaining from the rest of the show. I will simply recall my repeated viewings of s1 with fondness tinged with regret at just how badly they fucked up a good thing.

Ultimately, Anon, I think this may be a case of there simply not being a diverse enough perspective in the writer's room. I am not saying that every single woman or every single person of colour will necessarily object to this relationship. I am simply saying that women and people of colour will be more sensitive to the issues of gender and race that are relevant here but that have not been fully or sensitively acknowledged in the writing of this plotline. Neither am I saying that Rebecca is the first woman to sleep with a man much (much, much, MUCH) younger than herself or indulge in an ill-advised relationship. But the comparison with Rupert both works here and doesn't because Rebecca is not being written like a white woman, she is being written like a white man. Realistically, only a white man can engage in this kind of hugely imbalanced relationship seemingly without any major moral qualms or societal ramifications. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this kind of relationship is reserved for all the Bills and Joes and Brendans and Jasons out there -- not for the Rebeccas and definitely not for the Sams. We are way beyond the point in feminism where we believe that liberation is simply the right for a white woman to behave as badly as a white man. The truth is that whatever wealth, power and privilege Rebecca has, the rules are different for men and women. She will not be treated the same as Rupert if and when this affair is uncovered. She will be treated far more savagely than Rupert ever was and Sam will be treated far more savagely than Bex was. This is not an argument for the equal treatment of these two relationships. It is an argument against how the relationship between Rebecca and Sam has been envisaged, i.e. through the wrong perspective. In writing from a 'neutral' white male pov, the show has invisiblised all the many issues activated by this storyline and revealed a blindspot that was always there.

As much as I loved and still love season 1 of this show, it has definite blindspots when it comes to representations of race and gender. There are at least two moments in s1 that stand out for me as being so obviously written by a man. Not necessarily because of what they do but because of what they don't do: what is missed, absent, unacknowledged. I was willing to overlook such minor failings in a debut season for many reasons. But s2 seems to have exacerbated these minor flaws rather than correcting them. And here I can't help thinking of Tina Fey speaking of the diversification of the writer's room at SNL during her tenure as co-headwriter. This notoriously male-dominated environment only began to shift and produce better work when a greater diversity of minds, voices and persepectives was allowed in the room. In this richer environment, she notes, different jokes played differently. Different sketches made it to air. Different perspectives were represented and different performers were celebrated. I can't help wondering if this plotline would have made it to air if there had been a female writer, a writer of colour or both further up the chain of command to challenge the ideas of the straight white dudes in charge.

One of the reasons I didn't think Ted Lasso was for me was that it centred a straight, white, cis-het, able-bodied man who rose to a position he didn't earn. That is just not a pov I would normally choose for myself, especially now that there is such a rich array of alternative perspectives through which to view the world. But I think the show won a lot of females fans with its first season largely due to its portrayal of Rebecca. She is the first person we meet. She is arguably the protagonist of s1. And while she would have been figured as a villain in previous pieces, the show never took that stance with her (because again, stance matters). Other elements like the depiction of female friendships, all centred around Rebecca, made this show female-friendly viewing. But imo, the major reason this show won over female fans (this one, at least) is because, in this post-MeToo, post-TimesUp era, it stood up and said: domestic violence is not okay, we stand with women and all victims of abuse, we will defend you, we know words can hurt, we know it can happen to anyone, we know all about toxic masculinity, we do not take this lightly and we will support you in your healing. Needless to say, this is how women hope men will act when they speak of their most difficult experiences but it is not how they always do.

The shift away from Rebecca this season has however meant that the white male experience is more centred than it was in s1. Rebecca's journey to recovery, health and happiness has been trivialised and sidelined, reduced to a highly questionable sexcapade. Meanwhile, we get overwrought manpain at every turn. We get Beard wandering around London (no, I haven't seen it and no, I don't need to. We've all been raised on white dudes thinking they're genuises when they have a figurative wank all over our screens). We get NO queer represention at all. And the only other female characters on screen are in care/service roles to men. The father/son, mentoring and toxic masculinity themes are all still there but they're no longer balanced out by ANY other competing perspective. One of the reasons I was okay with Ted failing upwards in s1 was that he used his power and privilege to lift up others. He was the one in service. He used his enormous privilege for good, as anyone with such privilege must. (Admittedly, it could be argued that this is just another version of a white savior narrative).

My point here is that I'm not sure that peeking behind the mask at the sad clown is as revolutionary as some might believe. We love it because it's familiar. But this is a narrative with a long and problematic history. Do I believe in tearing down toxic masculinity in all its forms? You bet. Do I believe that patriarchy traumatises men as well as women and every other minority in existence? I mean...nowhere near as much, but absolutely. Do I believe in men expressing their feelings and going to therapy? Wholeheartedly. But I am also aware that 100 or so years ago, we were in a very similar place with our narratives. Everyone is looking for a recapitulation of modernism and frankly, this might be an indicator of just that. Whenever women and people of colour have demanded rights and recognition, there has always been a resurgence of tales about just how frickin' hard it is to be a white man. Minority genders and non-white people have never in western history been as visible or vocal as they are now. So forgive me (or don't, I don't care) if I critique a show not only for centering fathers, sons, boys and men but for blindly and boldly writing one of its only female characters and one of its only black characters as if their gender and race just do not exist. There are many other power differentials at play in this relationship, including age, experience, wealth and position, but race and gender are the two that patriarchy is most invested in invisiblising. So I don't care how brilliant they think they are, I will not trust the writing of a bunch of white dudes trying to tell me that race and gender are irrelevant.

#ted lasso #rebecca welton #sam obisanya #ask #yeah this one got out of hand

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mintchocolatechipnut · 4 years

Text

the boys but they’re idols

ft. bakugou katsuki. midoriya izuku & todoroki shouto

Note: yes, I missed prime pun opportunity to write ‘the boyz’ in the title. Anyway, I’ll be general enough to not include any real-life names and music, but I’ll get specific about other details. (Besides, if you squint real close you can see where I got my references from.) I’m thinking of a follow-up part, but we’ll see. Hope you enjoy!

* These headcanons are detailing each of the boys as a member in a hypothetical idol group, and not that they’re all in the same group.

** For context: the difference between main and lead positions is that main is the position that gets majority of the activity e.g. song, dance, rap, etc. Lead is more of a supporting role, but still important nonetheless.

Tags: idol!au, no x reader for this one, unless??, as you can see from the word length I think you’ll know who I’m partial to

Word count: 3.3k

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

Obviously an all-rounder. He can sing, dance, and rap, though his forte is definitely dancing.

Bakugou obviously has some mad hand-eye coordination if he can play the drums, and I haven’t even brought in his utilizing it through his quirk and fighting talent. He’s also very flexible when twisting through the air and extremely precise with his explosions

Thus, I’d say that his moves are the most on-beat and precise. He’s got very solid moves when dancing; imagine his limbs cutting the air in sharp, refined movements, and his flexibility leads him to be an overall powerful dancer.

Bakugou is a HUGE stickler for technique. Sure, he’s not above improvisation, but technique’s where he excels the most. He’s looking far ahead enough to not want to jeopardize his health by doing some dangerous moves that could potentially hurt his body, so he always takes extra care when going about them, such as taking advanced dance classes.

He works wonderfully as a center, because not only does he have this charisma that makes people unable to look away from him, his perfected balance between his fierce dancing and his emphasis on technique lead him to be a picture of refined strength, and an absolute delight to watch on stage

His facial expressions are definitely the best when he’s performing powerful songs, probably because he’s naturally angry lol. His worst concept has got to be cute, but while he dreads doing it, it’s not like he can’t pull it off. He’s an idol, dammit.

Bakugou’s that one member who wears a headband or bandanna during cutesy performances and sticks with it, because that’s the closest the stylists are ever gonna get to his hair

God forbid if he ever has curly or straight hair

He’s not against dying it though, but he still cares about the repercussions it has on his body, so he tries to refrain from dying it too often. (Which could be inevitable if his managers require him to, I know that. But I’m going to give the boys a little more leeway here to showcase their personalities.)

Anyway, a bandanna suits him just fine, and now he’s the trademark member with the bandanna haha

Some things that don’t change from canon are obviously his schedule. Boy still wakes up at the crack of dawn, probably goes for runs or do sets in the gym, make himself a healthy breakfast, then get down to work

Now I’m conflicted as to what position he would take in a group; I’m leaning towards main dancer

Then again, he IS an all-rounder, so really you could get him to do anything and he’ll be just fine

It��s not in his nature to fail, after all

He can sing, but since his voice is kind of gravelly he’s not the first choice for a main vocal. Strong lead vocal material, I’ll bet, because his voice adds a lot of color and diversity. It’s not something you’d usually hear in a song, that’s why.

He can rap, but again, his voice is gravelly and hard to hear, so I don’t think it would be too good a fit for fast-paced raps. Though, throw him one or two iconic rap lines in his natural ‘I’ll punch you in the face’ tone and you’ve got yourself an icon (and a meme) for days.

I can also see Bakugou being leader of the group, since in canon he’s actually the oldest in class 1-A. One thing though is his outward persona isn’t all that pristine; he has trouble switching gears into idol mode. As we know Bakugou doesn’t lie, regardless of circumstances, and he’s not about to start doing that just to be liked better. If any of these extras are going to be his fans, they’re going to have to recognize real talent, without all the fake smiles.

But because he knows what it could do to the group’s reputation if he came out to look like a big bad bully, he usually keeps his mouth shut during publicity events

He’s probably one of the first idols to have a not-so-sunny media persona, but fans mostly see him as this brooding, sulky kid that’s prepared to put 100% into everything he does

Which is why they still like him

Suffice to say, his fan-base is very similar to the BNHA fandom lmao

Cue all the memes on him being a jerk and everyone liking him anyway, but they know he’s fully committed to the group and wouldn’t want to do anything to risk its image

But over the years, and with the amount of events he’s been involved in, Bakugou’s learnt to let out his true personality one step at a time

He’s considering things carefully because he doesn’t want his fans to be jarred by his personality change all of a sudden, and also because he’s tired keeping up appearances

Jokes on him because the fans already know how he is and are just waiting for him to be more comfortable around the group to showcase his true feelings

And you know what? It sells!

His members also see him as some inspirational figure because his determination and commitment is truly unparalleled

And while he isn’t the easiest to get along with, they know that he’ll do anything within his abilities to push the group to greater heights

While that’s cute and all, it also means they have to suffer at the hands of Bakugou’s tough love. Tough luck

Besides being leader, I could also see him having a hand in producing as well

Remember when I said he was a stickler for technicality? Well, yeah, exactly this

If he feels something isn’t up to par he’d rather do it himself. I think he’d dabble in mixing for a bit and realize he actually has an ear for it, to which he’d then go on to producing whole songs that just awe his members and they’d be like ‘yeah let’s go with this’

And one more thing. Bakugou’s actually got an eye for fashion

Yeah, gripe all you want because all this boy ever wears in the dorms is skull shirts and black tanks but seriously, when he gets down to it, he knows what looks perfect on each member and can make little adjustments to change up a whole style

Courtesy of having designer parents lmao

Overall Bakugou is nothing if not capable. While it means he could definitely go solo at some point, he’s formed bonds with his members and knows he’s grown as a person as a result. And at this point he can only get better

In a leader position, he’s got the charisma, and is not afraid to push for changes if he thinks the status quo isn’t doing enough to ensure the members’ well-being

His weaknesses are obviously teamwork and perfectionism, but he’s been learning how to get along with others better, that it’s not all just a rat race for fame and influence, and he’s able to form some pretty lasting relationships (see: Kirishima)

Not perfectionism, though. He sees it as a strength and not for one second will he compromise. He wants nothing but the best quality, not just for himself, but for the fans

MIDORIYA IZUKU

Looks like the maknae but isn’t. That’s it, that’s the post

He has a really sweet voice so I can see him going for vocals. So imagine when he turns around, holds a mic in his hand and starts RAPPING

You got it, he’s a rapper. Look at the speed that kid goes when he’s mumbling and muttering to himself all the time

Cue Deku’s origin story where he’s mumbling to himself on the street and a talent scout hands him his business card asbfajgfsa

His enunciation is also clear, and his sweet voice makes for a very refreshing rap. That and he also writes his own rap, because if he’s going to be saying anything on that stage, he’s going to want it to mean something.

His raps are always soulful, with hard-hitting lyrics that serve to encourage and motivate anyone who hears and vibes with them.

Basically, his gap moe game is STRONG. Dude be spitting fire up there on stage but once he’s come down, he’s a timid, sweet, shy boi, with overreactions and exaggerations that just make him all the more endearing

He’s also a big fan favorite because he nails every concept well, and has a very down-to-earth personality which he doesn’t hide from the cameras

You want him to act cute and youthful? You’ve got it. You want him to go for something sexy? Um yeah, he’ll have his reservations, but he’ll still do well. You want him to be angry and powerful? The strength in his gaze has got you trembling from the pit.

He’s not just a fan favorite but also that of the staff. Seriously Deku deserves all the love in the world and in this world, he’s going to get it

He’s in the position for main rapper, but I could see him going for lead vocals as well. He’s got a sweet, clear voice that immediately tugs on anyone’s heartstrings the moment they hear it, and he’s usually given more lines in ballads. His vocal range isn’t bad, he can reach moderately high notes, but sometimes his voice undergoes strain. He’s training for that, though!

As for his dance style, Deku probably goes for freestyle! He’s got this easy-going, totally relaxed style going for him that’s full of swag (omg outdated word alert) that makes his movements very smooth. He’s also reasonably flexible, though not as flexible as Bakugou or Todoroki, so he still can pull off certain dance moves.

Unpopular opinion, but it’s Deku, not Todoroki, who looks good in EVERYTHING. Literally his stylist is squealing backstage because they can go ham on dressing him. You could put him in a gold chain and ripped jeans OR an oversized hoodie and rompers, and it’d just go. The only thing is his hair though; he’s thinking of selling it as his charm point (not his freckles!) so he’d prefer if it could stay green. He doesn’t mind if they style it different ways though

The fans would go ballistic if they saw Deku with an undercut, and chances are they’re going to get to see it

He’s definitely one for improvisation! He’s very flexible with these changes, much like how he considers his growth in canon. He’s always looking to try out new styles or moves and see if it fits for him

Besides, I also see him producing! It’s because he’s so immersed in his idol career that he’s always studying new trends on the scene and making them into formulas for the group. He’s also thinking of marketing strategies in his free time

Everyone better be afraid of businessman Deku because he’ll be stealing those bucks from right under your nose

He’s also got mean leadership skills, but I don’t see him in a leader position

Rather, he’s like the second-eldest-but-co-leader kind of guy! He assists the leader in any way he can, and always serves to inspire and motivate the younger ones to work harder together as a team

Deku’s still got that shounen-protagonist charm, even in this world

But for all his good points, Deku still worries he isn’t enough

He knows how cut-throat the industry can be, having studied it inside and out, and he doesn’t want to lag behind

Cue him getting up at odd hours of the morning to use the practice studio (without waking up the others, of course) and other instances

Whenever his members realize he’s been overworking, literally everyone turns on him

He used to be the mom figure, but the moment he’s ushered into bed, a cooling pad on his forehead and thermos at his bedside desk, and the members even station one person to be in the living room so if he tries to leave his room to practice by himself they’ll see him

Jokes on them because Deku practices in his room

He practically moves in his sleep as if trying to get the muscle memory down

Precious boy must protecc!

In sum, Deku’s a great teammate to have and a valuable asset to the team

He’s also the best of friends and is never one to let a fellow member down

Probably the first to burst into tears if the group ever disbands

With his talent and fan-base, he could definitely go solo. But more than that, he wants to cherish the time he has with his members and achieve greater milestones with them every day

TODOROKI SHOUTO

High-key a visual. I mean, everyone wants to look like him!

Like. Everyone stops to look at him whenever he enters the room. Staff, producers, backstage crew, everyone. Even his members, sometimes.

Man’s just too pretty not to stare at

That's not to say he isn't talented, oh no. He's much like Bakugou, an all-rounder, but he's gone through rigorous training from when he was young to get there

Definitely not because of genes, no offense to Rei

As much as Enji is a major shareholder in the industry, anyone who sees Todoroki strut his stuff and still says he got in because of his father has got to be blind. Or deaf. Or plain stupid.

Sure, he had all that training courtesy of his dad. But the moment he enters as a trainee, it's all him from there and no one else.

He's a lot withdrawn at first, still is, but he's improved a lot from when he first joined. It's because of the support he's gained from both his members and fans that he's able to push himself to be the best version of himself everyday

He definitely doesn't come out and say it, but he's probably the most grateful for his fans. As in his family isn't the only lifeline left for him anymore

Todoroki has an amazing voice; while his speaking voice is low, he can reach higher notes without much difficulty. His tone is deep, somber and perfect for ballads, but the training he's undergone has made his technique immaculate. He's got excellent control, he can do runs and riffs effortlessly and he's even perfected his growl. Fans won't even see it coming

His dancing on the other hand is a lot about technique; but unlike Bakugou, Todoroki probably did classical and contemporary dance training as opposed to hip-hop or popping. Because of that, his movements are smooth and elegant, and he always carries himself with the grace of a dancer

That's not to say he cannot be an absolute beast on stage, of course. He's just more in his element when it comes to melancholic ballads, and he's had a hand in choreographing contemporary routines before

That experience and knowledge easily make him a capable choreographer for the group

After all those years of not being able to properly express himself, Todoroki learnt to let his dance tell a story in itself

He's also a fast learner, so any hip-hop techniques he easily picks up and incorporates into the routine

This makes me think he’s going to be a main dancer and a lead vocal, maybe even main vocal

I don’t see him in a leader position because while he has the charisma for it, I think he’d lack in communication, like Bakugou. They’re both a bit too used to doing things on their own that they 1) can’t trust anyone else to do it right and 2) as a result have never consulted other people about how they do things

The difference is Bakugou is a little more observant and far-thinking enough to be a leader, but it doesn’t make Todoroki any less important

If anything, he’s the mom friend, and always makes sure that the members stay in line and out of trouble

Also, for some reason, he's got exceptional charisma on stage and he doesn't even know it

Like, a sexy song comes on and then there’s Todoroki's smoldering heterochromatic gaze

Fans: omgomgomg how is he so hot what the—

Him: ??? This is my normal face tho

It's a strange feeling. One moment, he can be humping the floor and another moment he's got dimples in his cheeks from smiling. It makes him look like a totally different person, even though he's the same guy

His fans don't know why either

As much as he has a creative outlet in dance, Todoroki thinks he has no talent for songwriting or producing. He doesn't consider them his areas of expertise and if he was asked to write lyrics he'd have a hard time because he rarely expresses himself with words. He'd fret on it and eventually not get much done, so why try?

He does help out though, in offering suggestions on how to proceed, but he won't take the lead for any of these. Only dancing

That and his growing up with a businessman father leads him to also know the industry rather well, so he can offer some insights as to what image they could go for and how to market their discography

When it comes to styling, Todoroki is an absolute Mess. The things he likes and wants to wear doesn't suit him all that much, and the stylists usually have a hard time picking out clothes that really accentuate his look and figure. The myriad of colors in his hair and face lead to color clashes, but they find that red and blue are usually the go-to colors.

Did I mention that Todoroki doesn't mind dying his hair as long as they don't dye the white part? Enough said

They've done rainbow on him before!

He also doesn't cover up his scar, and over the years he's learnt to make it his charm point

It serves to make him a noticeable figure in the industry (as if his heterochromia weren’t enough) but it also makes him easily recognisable to fans

It’s not like he doesn’t like interacting with his fans, but sometimes some of them get a little too close, or ask questions that are way too personal

During those times, he’s at least got his members to relate and support him through it

The cutest thing about this man has got to be when he interacts with fans

Like, he’s pretty expressionless most of the time, but he always makes sure that his fans know that he’s extremely happy to have them here, and that he’ll continue doing the best he can for them

If you’re lucky and catch a small smile from him when you’re at a fan sign, I guess you could die peacefully

To summarize, Todoroki is a sweet bean but hardly ever shows it

When people praise his looks, he’s humble about them (though it’s more because he doesn’t know or think he’s attractive… baby just doesn’t see it)

And to top it all off, he’s a charmer on and off stage with his quiet, sensitive nature and calm demeanor

He’s also the one that’s most likely to have a modeling career outside of his idol work

He can’t act for the life of him even though he’s got the expressions right on stage

Like Deku and Bakugou, he could always go solo, but his reason for not doing so is mainly because he’s found a new family, here with his members, and he doesn’t want to lose it

He doesn’t even mind if they don’t produce music anymore. As long as everyone sticks together and has a good time, he’s willing

A/N: Thank you for reading! If you haven’t checked out my other pieces, you can find them on my masterlist; if you have, thank you for your support! I’m trying to post something new every week, so stay tuned :)

#bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #bnha idol au #mha idol au #bakugou katsuki #bakugou headcanons #midoriya izuku #midoriya headcanons #todoroki shouto #todoroki headcanons

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getitinbusan · 4 years

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VIP Room-

Jimin Smut

Happy Birthday to the sweetest Mochi.

Usually I have a hard time writing Jimin but this birthday smut came pretty easily after MOTS ONE day one’s red suit Filter performance.

18 plus: includes drinking, swearing, strippers, oral M/F, exhibitionism, fingering, swallowing. (It’s a covidless imagine) Use your judgement and we’ll all be fine.

“Happy birthday baby"

"What are we doing here?” he giggled as he stepped out of the car.

You shrugged nonchalantly, “I mean it’s obviously a strip club Jimin.”

He was flustered. “This doesn’t seem right, you want me to look at other girls?”

You kissed his cheek, “Come on, I promise it’s not a trap."

Grabbing him by the hand you pushed open the door and were greeted by the sounds of all your friends yelling "Surprise” and “Happy Birthday"

His face lit up, "You’re really cool with this?”

“Baby I’m the one who planned it.”

Your hands smoothed the black silk shirt over his chest.

“It’s rented for the night, non disclosures are all signed. I want you to let loose and do whatever makes you feel good tonight."

Jungkook snuck up behind you kissing your cheek. "I’m pretty sure you win the title of best girlfriend ever for doing this." He handed you both shots.

"I am pretty amazing. Now go, get drunk, have fun!”

Jimin was quickly swept away into the seats around the stage where full bottles and the brass pole waited.

Watching from the bar you had a few drinks and stood with the other girlfriends who had been brave enough to show up. It seemed everyone was having a good time but apprehension still hung heavy in the air.

Determined to make this a great night it was time to really start the party. Making your way down to Pervert’s row, your boyfriend’s grin was as huge as the protrusion in his pants.

“Is this seat taken?"

He shifted trying to hide his desire but it was no use.

"I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t be getting hard looking at another woman."

"Are you kidding? These ladies are sexy, I think I’m probably just as turned on as you are."

"Yeah?” his eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Hell yeah, but unlike you I’m gonna show them."

Pulling a handful of cash from your purse you summoned the nearest woman.

"Can we give the birthday boy a little show?"

Nodding she took the $20 and moved closer to Jimin.

"No love, you and me. He’s just gonna watch for now."

You could feel all eyes on you. Drinks were being white knuckle clenched in anticipation of just how far you’d take it.

"Am I allowed to touch?"

Taking your hands she placed them on her fleshy breasts. Her nipples hardened under the brush of your thumbs.

"You’re really beautiful, and your body is amazing.”

You tucked another $20 into her sparkly blue g string. “Can I have a kiss?”

Leaning back onto Jimin’s lap you could feel his cock twitching wildly under you. Her lips met yours, he had the best view in the house.

Watching, his breathing grew heavy as your tongues flicked in and out of each other’s mouths. Facing you she straddled your lap and moved her hips as her breasts pressed into yours.

Your mouth popped off hers and you licked your lips, “You want to try Chim?”

He was stunned. “She’s an amazing kisser."

He nodded quickly. His hands tentatively moved to her ass and he pulled her tighter against you as his mouth sought hers.

You were soaking wet watching him and you couldn’t help but spread your legs a little trying to get some friction as she rubbed herself over you.

"Jimin-ah”

You looked around, everyone had seemed to let go of their inhibitions. Jungkook was staring, his tattooed hand was slowly rubbing himself over his jeans.

“I think we should get a room."

You were led to a small VIP in the back. Standing outside of the door Jimin pulled you closer and kissed you feverishly before asking, "What do you want to happen in there, I need to know…"

"I want what you want, no rules no consequences.”

He pressed his forehead against yours, “I fucking love you."

Dropping your hand he slipped her a big bill, "Thanks, I think it’s just going to be two of us tonight."

He took a seat on the blue leather couch as you tugged the door closed behind you and twisted the lock.

He was drunk and spinning but the hunger in his eyes was accentuated by his open mouth and tongue that sought to moisten his plush lips.

"Are you ready for more?”

You knew he was, the bulge in his pants had been noticably present for hours.

Walking towards him you slipped your dress off your shoulders and tried to look seductive as you unhooked your bra and shimmied out of your panties.

His pupils were blown out and his hair was wild from running his hand through it.

“Baby you’re gonna make me cum in my pants”

“I promise I’m not going to let that happen.”

Turning and bending in front of him he had a full view.

“God, look at how soaked you are.”

His face moved forward and his tongue hungrily licked your saturated slit. It was good, so good, but this wasn’t your party.

“Jimin, this is supposed to be about you getting pleasured, not me.”

Grabbing your hips he growled, “Getting you off gets me off."

Pulling you backwards into his lap he wrapped your arm around his neck and his mouth took hold of you nipple. As he suckled, his middle fingers found their way inside you, "I just want to see you cum."

Rocking his palm over your clit the tips of his fingers curled into the sweet spot they knew so we’ll. Legs shaking you were so worked up you cried out loud as you squirted all over his hand.

"That’s my girl,” he stuck his fingers in his mouth and licked them off.

Dazed by your release you slid down his body and dropped to your knees. Undoing his pants, finally his erection was able to spring to its full potential.

“I love your cock,” you mewled.

Pressing your tits together and holding them tightly around him, you kitten licked his weepy tip every time it plunged back towards your lips.

Throwing his head back he moaned in time with the movement.

“Don’t tease me, I can’t take it."

"What do you need from me baby?”

He stood up, “Suck me.” His voice was deep and desperate.

As your lips wrapped around him he wove his fingers through your hair and began aggressively fucking your throat.

One hand around the base of his cock and one hand gripping his balls you could feel them tightening, ready to explode.

“Swallow, face or tits?” he asked hurriedly.

Looking up, stuffed full of his cock you stared at him with no answer. A second later he thrust as deep as he could, his hot cum spurting down your throat.

With a last suck to make sure you got it all you held out your tongue to show it was gone.

“Swallow it is."

Totally spent, he laid back pulling you on top of him.

"You’re really good at surprises.”

His chest heaved trying to regain his breathing.

Sitting up you kissed the spot on his chest that was pulsing where his heart raced. “Baby, the nights not nearly over."

He closed his eyes and shook his head with a grin, "I’m not going to make it to next year am I?"

#jimin #jimin smut #bts smut #park jimin #mochi #bts

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fluffyglass · 3 years

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THE MR. FUSSY A BITCH MASTERPOST

I essentially remade the Mr. Rude apologism masterpost but with Mr. Fussy this time, in an attempt to see whether my newfound disliking of Mr. Fussy is justified or not. I've watched every single Mr. Fussy segment and determined whether he's an asshole or not, simple as that.

Season 1

Mr. Fussy is in 42 episodes in Season 1.

In 8 of these episodes does he do something wrong.

Season 2

Mr. Fussy is in 39 episodes in Season 2.

In 9 of these episodes does he do something wrong.

Conclusions

In total, Mr. Fussy did something wrong in 17 out of the 81 segments he's in, which is 20%. Counting the 7 I was unsure about, that's 23/81. 28%. Welp, that means I proved my point in doing this in the first place, I guess! It's official! Based off of my own data, Mr. Fussy is technically a bigger asshole than Mr. Rude!

Am I gonna do every single character? Probably.

Here, take my episode by episode analysis.

Welcome to the Episode by Episode analysis! Same colors as last time, minus blue as. Obviously he can't yell at himself.

Yellow - Mr. Fussy does nothing wrong

Red - Mr. Fussy does something wrong

Pink - I have no idea what to put for this one lmao

SEASON 1

Flying - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just wants to know if the pillow's clean. Even if he's a bit of a dick about it. Mr. Grumpy's the one who . yknow. kidnapped Mr. Bounce

Music - MR FUSSY A BITCH! He unfairly blamed Mr. Rude when Miss Naughty's the one who ruined the first performance :(

Physical - He doesn't do anything wrong, he was just judging the physical performance in his first bit and just participating in the relay race in his second bit

Farm - He doesn't do anything wrong he just got yeeted lmao

Lake - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Scatterbrain is just a moron

Beach - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just got justifiably mad at Mr. Scatterbrain for being a moron

Booboos - He doesn't do anything wrong, he just helped out Mr. Nervous with his splinter

Mall - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy is just gross

Books - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Camping - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! Why the fuck did you invite Miss Chatterbox if you wanted silence, you fuck? She legit just wanted to tell him that she saw the bird :(

Science - Mr. Fussy a bitch to the frogs smh

Paint - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy just isn't very considerate :(

Jobs - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Tickle a dumbass

Trains - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! Mr. Rude was literally just living his life you stuck up prick

Hobbies - MR. FUSSY a bit of a bitch? Like, he could've told Miss Naughty in advance that her performance was cancelled :( also he was a dick about it

Fair - he doesn't do anything wrong Miss Naughty's just a bitch

Movies - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Dance - he's barely in it and he's nice :)

Amusement Park - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just a dumbass

Rainy Day - he doesn't do anything wrong, even if he insulted Miss Calamity for no reason. He's just a bit of a dumbass

Dillydale Day - his only real crime is that terrible musical number he's in

Games - fuck you Mr. Noisy

Hotel - I love this bit so much holy fuck he doesn't do anything wrong also hes GAY and its AWESOME

Chores - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just like that

Snow - he doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy's just not very considerate

Food - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He's mean to Mr. Messy :(

Wildlife - he doesn't do anything wrong, cause he didn't mean to call Mr. Messy a repulsive animal

Restaurants - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! I don't wanna rewatch this one it makes me sad :(

Bugs - he's barely in it and he loses his fucking moustache what the fuck

Circus - hes kinda mean to everyone but not enough for me to count it

Cars - I DONT EVEN KNOW MAN HE'S NOT REALLY BAD HE'S JUST FUCKING STUPID

Canned Goods - he's barely in it and just kinda. exists

Ships - he barely even does anything in the bit he has

Cooking - he doesn't do anything wrong ig

Collecting - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He stole Mr. Messy's shoes and then destroyed his stuff cause he thought it was gross :(

Heatwave - he doesn't do anything wrong mr messy is just mr messy

Sleep - he doesn't do anything wrong

Carwash - I cant say for sure, I refuse to watch this segment again

Sightseeing - he doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Messy is just nasty. He's kind of a dick to him though

The Dark - I really don't know on this one. He's kinda mean throughout it but not enough to count but also i kinda wanna count it?? cause hes mean to mr messy a lot??? its weird, he also didnt let mr messy back into his house when he was scared :(

Parade - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He made fun of both Mr. Rude and Mr. Messy's floats and made up a rule specifically against Mr. Messy which is super fucked up man

SEASON 2

Picnics - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn is just laughably stupid

Driving - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He didn't want to help Miss Chatterbox and Mr. Tickle, and even tried to ignore Miss Scary and Mr. Quiet rather than help them :(

Outer Space - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He asks Miss Scary and Miss Naughty "what's wrong with them" when they were just having fun, and doesn't believe them when the real aliens show up :(

Clean Teeth - does this even count as him being an asshole? like yeah he freaks out on Mr. Rude but he's kinda justified in doing it?? this shouldnt count as him being an asshole but I like mr. rude so. yeah, i'm biased. im not counting this one as mr fussy a bitch but im not giving it a yellow. like, he also calls him disgusting and is a dick the entire time but he's in the right so . ???????? he also calls mr messy gross at the end what am i supposed to do here

Airports - hes a bit of a dick but yeah he was gonna miss his flight thats justified

Shoes - he doesn't do anything wrong he's just trying his best

Arts and Crafts - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He's mean to Mr. Strong and Mr. Messy, and even calls Mr. Messy's art junk :(

Game Shows - he doesn't do anything wrong, he even makes Mr. Happy a quilt :) Mr. Stubborn is just a fucking moron NEVERMIND MR FUSSY STOLE THE FUCKING QUILT BACK???? RUDE

Garages - he's actually really really nice in this bit!! :D he let Mr. Messy keep his bike in his garage and put off mopping his floor to hang out with Mr. Nosey and Mr. Small :)

Eyeglasses - he's barely in it and is fine ig

Toys - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! oh my fucking god he was doing so good and then right at the end he had to go and be a sore loser, call Mr. Messy disgusting, etc. fucker

Hats - he does nothing wrong, he just wants a hat

Robots - he just lost his bread man

Parties - another gay icon segment! hes pretty poggrs

Up and Down - hes barely in it and hes good

Dining Out - hes fine ig? kind of a dick but not especially so

Gifts - is his fucking birthday hell yea

Telephone - once again i refuse to watch it, i'm assuming he's fine

Seashore - he just vibed the entire time

Washing & Drying - he kinda just existed

Sneezes & Hiccups - yeah. he yells at mr messy for something he cant control but. yehjv

Radio - miss helpful you dumbass

Supermarket - he just wanted some cereal man

Cinema - dude a bunch of gay men invaded his car

Getting Around - yeah

Pets - im getting tired of writing notes hes good ig

Dance Dance Dance - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! for one, he's mean to Mr. Rude the entire time, for two, he completely fucking drags Miss Scary's performance the entire time, and for three - he talks through it the entire time! fucker!!!

Library - just wanted his book man

Pirates - yeah

Goo - Miss Naughty you fucking bitch fucjk you fucky ou fuck you! FUCK YOU!!!!

Trains and Planes - he's kind of dickish but otherwise fine

Lunch - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! For one, why the fuck did you invite Mr. Messy if you didn't want "messiness" at your pristine fucking picnic, why the fuck did you invite Miss Chatterbox if you didn't want her talking, etc, but he's also very ignorant of Mr. Quiet's warnings of the bear ):(

Machines - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BUY MR. MESSY A MACHINE THAT CLEANS HIS HOUSE??? AGAINST HIS WISHES??? AND HE FUCKING SPECIFICALLY ASKS TO GET IT OUT BUT YOU DONT FUCKING LISTEN AND PROCEED TO CRITICISE HIM??? IT'S HIS FUCKING SPACE, FOR ONE, AND YOU KNOW CLEANLINESS MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE! YOU FUCK! im so fucking mad

Birds - he doesn't do anything wrong he gets fucking yeeted

Bath and Bubbles - this is the only Mr. Fussy bit where he's actually happy at the end and yknow what? boyboss moment

Sand and Surf - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! I know this is a trend but yes, he's a dick to Mr. Quiet and ignores everything he says.

Parks - MR. FUSSY A BITCH! He spends the entire segment bullying Mr. Messy and I am tired of it

Travel - hes kinda dickish the entire time but mmmmmyeah

Bad Weather - i didnt want to watch this one again cause it sucks, i'm assuming he's fine

If you've read to the bottom, then I'm sure you're actually interested in what I have to say about him/the other mr men and little misses. Because I'm definitely going to be doing more of these, please acknowledge going forward that I am one, singular teenager. A teenager susceptible to my own bias, especially when it comes to some of the "negative" characters. Don't take my percentages and data too seriously, as it's all technically based off of my opinions of each segment. Ok bye bye Mr. Noisy's next

#mr men #mr men and little miss #the mr men show #mr fussy #mr pernickety #mr persnickety

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zeta-in-de-walls · 4 years

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Hey guys. So in MCC you might have noticed that Dream got a little salty. This was a shame for me as it’s so much nicer to watch Dream whilst he’s in a good mood. For better or worse though, he’s super competitive.

Here’s a breakdown of how the event went badly for Dream and his team. It’s pretty long...

The event starts well; Skyblockle is an interesting, if stressful game, and they do pretty well for their first time. Not perfectly though and they recognise they could do better too - Dream’s already pretty hard on himself for any mistakes he makes. But it’s purely directed at himself and how he can improve - I think it’s pretty evident he holds himself to a high standard.

Bingo is next and he kinda doesn’t know what he’d doing and wastes some time. I feel like he notes it down too much to not knowing the game but it is pretty luck-based anyway. Also this was a really quick game as so many of the items were very easy to obtain in a very short time. Anyway, they didn’t expect to do well really and Dream’s in good spirits, looking forward to the other games.

Then Battle box comes... and it’s extremely laggy and even glitchy. The weapon choices of Wooden axes and tnt seem honestly pretty bad just in terms of gameplay and the tnt is outright gamebreaking with the lag. Despite this, Dream’s team is doing well, having won their first 4 games and they’re keen to win more. Dream’s even instructing Sylveey to wait on the wool in order to maximise kill points (you can see he’s taking this really seriously as he could sound a little nicer as she’s certainly trying to win too).

Anyway, the game needs to be restarted - some players killed themselves outside the rounds and that’s not exactly fair. For whatever reason, reviving them is not possible. The chosen solution is to restart the entire round which regretfully seriously inconveniences Dream’s team. He’s incensed at the perceived injustices. He feels that it would be better to push on without restarting.

The proceeding rounds don’t go nearly as well for them as the first play through. Many teams have now realised how effective rushing strats are for this map - the axe is too slow in pvp to meaningfully stop players from quickly placing down wool and the tnt is dangerous enough to scare people from the centre. It’s a legitimate strategy but feels rather unlike the traditional battle box which is usually the closest minigame to a straightforward pvp battle. While the lag is universal, it rather this strategy which goes against purple’s playstyle which includes maximised kills. Additionally, restarting gave a lot of teams the change to realise the potential of this rather cheap strategy which they may not have with only a single round of battle box as it would have been without the lag.

It’s not really anyone’s fault that the game messed up but Dream’s ire is now directed towards the organisers and he’s lost his good spirits.

Buildmart comes next and it’s not exactly one of Dream’s favourite games to say the least. Still, it’s long and a nice distraction from the mess that was battle box and Dream has developed some strategy with his team, even if it didn’t really work amazingly.

But then comes the audience takeover. Dream was really looking for parkour warrior - which he’s been really keen to play. He’s extremely fond of parkour and wanted to try out the new course - he and his whole team had practiced the old course a lot and were ready to crush the game. But it wasn’t one of the the options in the poll at all. Up to this point Parkour warrior hasn’t been an option at all and it is one the team has every reason to want to play.

Regardless, they soon settle on Hole in the wall - a gamemode they’ve played before and enjoyed. And yeah, the system messes up. Rocket spleef, which was Technoblade’s choice, narrowly lost the poll but gets selected anyway due to faultiness from the twitter poll. Needless to say, Dream is pretty annoyed. Given how the resetted Battle box earlier, he is of the opinion that they should switch in to Hole in the Wall to accurately reflect the audience vote. What he doesn’t realise is that this isn’t possible and the situation is less similar to battle box which only reset itself, not the game choice.

This is where Dream gets outright angry, even going as far to say he feels like quitting entirely. He feels like the tournament is working against him, which it kinda is, though it’s not in fact due to human design - just errors outside anyone’s control. That said, compounded with the mess that was Battle box earlier, Dream’s in a terrible mood, especially with his competitive nature, feeling like he’s losing due to circumstances outside his control rather than his own abilities. (When fans are saying rigged, I feel like many of them simply mean that the game’s working against him rather than that someone is actively sabotaging them (an incorrect definition...). It’s a minority that kicked up a large fuss as well, not that this excuses them or anything, or Dream for not realising the effect he’s having on his audience.)

His heart is simply not in Rocket Spleef, which seems to be a pretty tough game for newcomers to pick up anyway, while the other top teams, Orange and Green, both excel at this game mode. (And Krimson too maybe? I think I missed how they were doing in this game.) It’s a shame as he can’t allow himself to enjoy the game mode at all. It is an interesting one that he’s not amazing at but isn’t terrible at either, managing to survive longer than the rest of his team, who are all also doing lacklustre. Their performance has not been helped by everything that’s going on.

Then there’s ace race. It’s a new game and pretty different from the standard minecraft experience. It’s the first time for everyone so there’s probably a few kinks to be worked out etc. and Dream and his team find it interesting but they don’t exactly love it. It’s very different from the standard minecraft experience. Their strongpoints are definitely vanilla minecraft and they’re not too confident with elytras. I feel like if they weren’t in a dour mood they would have enjoyed it tons more. Two elytra heavy games in a row is unfortunate. Still, this game acts as a breather. The one issue is that parkour warrior is finally on the board and so they’re very keen to play it.

As the next decision dome comes up, Parkour warrior, Hole in the Wall, TGTTOS, Survival Games and Sands of time are all available. These are all probably Dream’s favourite games aside from Battle box (which obviously didn’t work out this tournament). Dream notes beforehand that the one game he’d really like to play is Parkour Warrior and the one he’d prefer to avoid at this stage is Sands of Time.

So naturally, Sands of Time is chosen. He’s a bit irritated. Fortunately, Sands of Time is awesome and his team is great at it. Single player survival stuff is what they excel at after all and they all perform. They take risks, make a lot of coins, get far and are among the longest teams to stay in, coming in second overall with both Dream and Sapnap doing really well. This game proves to be what finally cures Dream and his team’s mood. The game is also worth a ton of points for some reason, putting them in with a (still small but possible) chance of making the finals.

Last game and they really want Parkour warrior of course. Yeah, it’s not chosen. Instead we get hole in the wall. Some may joke that its good that the game finally got chosen but it’s obviously not the favoured choice for this team when Parkour warrior’s an option. Oh well though! They’re disappointed to miss out on it but they do like hole in the wall and they all have fun playing it, doing decently though not nearly well enough to do better than their rivals.

By this time they’ve regained their spirits and eagerly support Green Guardians in dodgebolt. It’s an intense match and they all thoroughly enjoy watching it, especially seeing Pete team clutch out the win after being down.

At the end, Dream finds that despite everything he’s still somehow managed to obtain 3rd overall on the individual boards, the same as last time, and he’s really happy about it. His team are pretty happy too with Sapnap also managing to get 8th place in his very first event.

Dream closes off the stream with an apology. You can see as it goes on how the frustration slowly melts away as he begins talking. At first still obviously still annoyed but soon confessing that he seriously overreacted and that he still loves the event and the team behind it and holds them to a very high standard. He offers kind words towards Technoblade and Pete too, noting that the rivalry is for show and he greatly respects both of them and encourages all his watchers to go and subscribe to them, helping Technoblade to hit 2mil. He notes that he’s really competitive and he really wanted it to go well - especially as its the only time he’ll be allowed to play with George and Sapnap and really wanted to win it with them. His sentiments feel real and he expresses interest in playing again while noting that he could see them also not inviting him back after his behaviour during this even and understands that.

Overall, game choices and unfortunate circumstances worked against Dream and his team and left him in a bad mood but once it ended, he did bounce back. It’s easy to see the contrast from the last event where he was annoyed he didn’t win but blamed his own performance - not the event and not his teammates - reflecting on how he can improve and do better. (He got temporarily a little annoyed at buildmart admittedly but it was purely his fans who blew that out of proportion, he quickly reassured George that it was okay and that it wasn’t his fault.) Dream is always very determined to improve and succeed or fail due to his own skills.

This turned into a long analysis of the event, wow. Dream’s perspective wasn’t that much fun to watch and it pains me to see how it all devolved. Let’s calm down and try not to blame the event, the other competitors or Dream too hard for any of this, okay? Things went wrong and it’s mostly outside of anyone’s control. I hope he’s in better spirits if he joins next tournament.

#dreamwastaken #sorry this was so long!#i guess I had to analyse the whole event #a summary of it from dream's perspective i guess #apparently techno's viewpoint was far more entertaining #this one left me feeling bitter at least until sands of time #his talk with techno afterwards was great though #best part of the event for me #post-end i know #i look forward to the upcoming manhunt and collabs #the dangers of tryharding #and the issues with having a large fanbase #i think he forgot he wasn't just talking to his friends #analysis

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define-deicide · 3 years

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CHAPTER I: Before & After

The broadcast came to life on the holo-viewer, flashing the Charys 6 News Report logo with flamboyant graphics and an assortment of mismatching fonts. The channel’s premier anchorman was as starchy and stiff as ever when his weathered face and silvered hair graced the screen. He performed the pick-up-and-straighten-the-stack-of-papers table tap and set them back down with practiced fluidity, prepared to give the report.

“Hello and thank you for tuning in to the Charys 6 News Report. I’m Ray Lundgren with tonight’s top stories,” he initiated in a booming, informative tone. The screen switched to a closer side shot of Ray as he swiveled in his chair to face the new camera. An info graphic displayed in the top corner of the screen showing an image of a planet-like structure with “ERESHKIGAL” in bold letters below it.

“This week Hydrangea Technologies plans to complete their newest project, the Ereshkigal Interplanetary Detention Facility in the orbit of the planet Gaia after five years of testing and construction. Company spokesman Siebold Luz is scheduled to host a ribbon cutting ceremony at the facility this weekend at an unspecified time, citing that Hydrangea Technologies wants to be certain that the facility is functioning perfectly before it is deemed complete. The CCCP plans to implement the facility in a new incarceration and internment program, which went largely unopposed when it was proposed by Hydrangea officials at last month’s Consortium meeting here on Charys. Charys 6 News attempted to get an interview with Mr. Luz but-“

Max shut off his viewer, officially sickened by the barrage of news reports on the corporate space station that had been looming in the atmosphere of Gaia for the last five years. He kicked back in his chair, feet up on the array of flashing and unnecessarily complex control panels that lined the cockpit of his own ship, which he called “the Heimdall.” It was bad enough that he flew a ship that was designed by Hydrangea, he felt he didn’t need to be thinking about what prison life would be like on their new pseudo-moon. Hydrangea Technologies had effectively seized political control of the entire Cosmos since their inception Before, which to Max was not unlike the days of Disney and Comcast, although he did realize how contrarian it was to continue flying the Heimdall. He even refused to purchase one of Hydrangea’s (almost) universally beloved and accessible “ENKIDU” mobile devices.

The holo-viewer had dissolved from the ship’s center console, and Max was now looking out at the landscape before his ship. Colossal tree roots sprawled across the land, forming hills of wood and dense canopies filled with nothing but branches, leaves, and the occasional family of tree-dwellers. Max liked to park the Heimdall here in the Grove, which was what remained of a country that had sort of self-destructed some time Before, leaving nothing but toxic spills and Mother Nature in its wake. Thankfully, much of the Grove had covered up the ruins and wreckage. The ship was nested in a small clearing on a cliff, providing a perfect view of the land’s natural beauty. It was one of Max’s favorite places in the Cosmos.

Max’s tranquility was interrupted when the overhead light began flashing red and an monotonous alarm sounded. The holo-viewer came back over the console and displayed a message: “IDENTIFICATION ERROR – EMERGENCY OPERATIONS INITIATING.” Max spun his chair around and rushed out of the cockpit. Ducking under pipes and hopping over technological fixings, Max attempted to reach the engine bay before it was too late. He felt the ship reverberate as it prepared to take off toward the nearest Hydrangea orbital station. Finally, he arrived at the engine bay door and threw it open. The engine bay was a closet-sized room, the engine filling it almost entirely from floor to ceiling, wall to wall. A computer console was nestled into the center of the engine, displaying the same warning message. Max slid the keyboard out and began typing frantically:

>EMERGENCY OVERRIDE

>IDENTIFICATION NO. 68106-402

>CUT ENGINE POWER

Having done this before, Max was able to work quickly and succinctly, and successfully shut off the engine before the take-off could proceed. This was a process that Max had to repeat about every other week, though what caused the error was a mystery to him. All he knew was that he’d rather deal with the temporary scare than try to take it to a Hydrangea orbital station and solve the issue. Though Max was unsure of how and why such a thing would happen to his own ship, he resolved the issue of his own accord and considered that to be good enough. The first time it had happened, Max sprang into action the same exact way, although figuring out the engine console took a little bit more time. How long ago was that, exactly? A dozen instances? Two dozen? Max couldn’t recall clearly. As the engine quieted down and the Heimdall returned to its resting state, Max heaved a sigh and strolled back into the cockpit, returning to his reclined position in the captain’s chair. All in a day’s work, he thought.

The holo-viewer reappeared a bit less urgently with a new message: Incoming Call from LETUS. Max leaned over the console and pressed a few buttons and switches, effectively accepting the transmission. His friend’s beaming face came over the holo-viewer, and he excitedly began speaking at breakneck pace as he usually did.

“Hey, man! Good to see you enjoying the views as per usual,” he started, “Did you see the Charys newscast about that Hydrangea shit?”

“Yeah, man,” Max said in a relaxed tone, “the usual corporate takeover bullshit. I’m real over it.”

“Me too, me too. Anyways, the boys and I are goin’ up to Lunar-12 tonight, you in?”

“Yeah, alright. What time?”

“Oh, probably roundabout six,” Letus tousled his own hair and fidgeted with his beard stubble as he paused, then continued, “Y’know, that girl Machiko will probably be there.”

Max rolled his eyes. “So?”

“You know why ‘so!’” Letus laughed. “Don’t pretend that doesn’t entice you, dude, I know you.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you then, man.” Max reached up and cut the call so Letus wouldn’t see his smug grin at the idea of seeing that girl again. Machiko was a girl that Max, Letus, and their friends had met at that very moon base, Lunar-12, about a month prior, and they’d seen her there every time they went since then. All Max knew about her, thanks to a brief and awkward conversation the first night they’d met, was that she was a mechanic that worked for Hydrangea. Though this generally would be much to Max’s chagrin, he couldn’t help but fall into the gravitational pull of a pretty girl who wanted to talk to him at a bar.

It then occurred to Max that he had a perfect chance at another conversation with her, A, and B, a chance to get her aboard his ship. If she was a Hydrangea mechanic, he could invite her to take a look at the recurring errors he’d been experiencing. Two birds, one stone. This newfound motivation shot Max out of his chair as he raced out of the cockpit toward the back of the ship where the captain’s quarters could be found. It was time to make use of the only button-up shirt he owned.

══╬══

Max arrived with the utmost punctuality at six o’clock on the dot, pulling his ship into the docking area of the Lunar-12 moon base, located on the grey, craterous surface of Gaia’s one and only moon. The entire base was located within one of the moon’s largest craters, and the docking area was positioned just outside of it, with a tunnel for patrons to pass through to and from the parking lot that drove through the crater wall. Lunar-12 was not only a collective of individual bars, but also hotel accommodations, a small water park, a few restaurants, and even a strip club. Its name was merely a shortening of its full designation: Gaia Lunar Operations Base No. 12. All of the other bases were out of commission, and even Lunar-12 had been fully renovated from its previous state as a military base before becoming a tourist attraction for denizens across the Cosmos.

The parking lot was rife with spaceships of all shapes and sizes, most of them parked dreadfully. Max parked as far away from the crater tunnel as he could, hoping it would prevent the Heimdall from being the victim of a hit-and-run. Though the parking spaces did indeed have designating lines, most of them went ignored by some of the massive ships that had obviously carried crowds of people, whether they were corporation flagships taking employees on a company retreat or just an exceptionally large family of some alien race famous for its hardy broods. Some still lingered in the docking area, eyeing Max as he made his way across the expansive lot.

Letus had messaged Max via his ship console again and the two agreed to meet at the southernmost bar in the base, the same place where they’d seen Machiko on every visit. Max couldn’t help but daydream about the conversation he’d have with her, imagining himself suavely inviting her aboard the Heimdall, desperately in need of a Hydrangea mechanic to check out his engine console. He thoughtlessly mouthed some of the words as he walked, earning even more confused glances from some of the passerby. He finally arrived at the gate to the tunnel, where two guards awaited him, having been watching him approach with his head so obviously in the clouds.

“Identification, please,” one of them said in an uninterested voice. Both guards were dressed in an over-the-top silver garb that shone in the light of the stars. A patch was featured on the chest, ‘LUNAR-12’ emblazoned across it in bold, yellow lettering. Max whipped out his wallet and produced his ID. The guard studied it briefly before handing it back to him and turning to open the gate. The massive panels of the gate slid open with a low roar, and the guards stepped aside as Max passed through. The tunnel was dimly lit with low-hanging light fixtures, and posters featuring some of Lunar-12’s “coming attractions” that never quite came were plastered on the walls. One teased a state-of-the-art movie theater, another showed off one of the highbrow bars that had already completed construction some years back. They were all very much in the same vein. It took Max a full ten minutes to cross to the other side of the tunnel, where yet another pair of guards stood before an identical gate. They needn’t ask for further identification, so as Max approached, they simply opened the way inside. Max nodded at them and passed through, his heart now beating out of his chest at the thought of his potential upcoming conversation with Machiko, who happened to be a female that also happened to have a pretty face, which was all very taxing on Max’s psyche.

Max followed the elaborate halls that interconnected the many facets of Lunar-12, every single one of them packed to the brim with both tourists and regulars. If not for the many directories and labelled arrow signs, one was sure to get lost in the sea of unbridled, drunken chaos. It was another twenty minutes of pushing past guests and wading through crowds before Max finally arrived at the south bar, where he immediately eyed a table filled with his friends. He waved to them, and they yelped out back to him, waving him over. Max could feel a few beads of sweat form on his forehead as the potential of spotting and/or being spotted by Machiko was now at maximum capacity. He took his seat as the already drunken Letus patted him on the back and welcomed him to the circle.

“Hey, dude, sorry we came a lil’ early,” Letus paused to burp, “We jus’ couldn’t wait to get th’ party started!” The whole table guffawed.

“No worries, man,” Max reassured him and the others. He could feel his eyes wandering around the bar. Every table and booth was filled with equally chaotic groups of friends. Every single bar stool was filled, with waiters and waitresses dashing between tables, bartenders running up and down the main bar. The funny part to Max was that it was a Thursday night. This kind of night was nothing to a business like this. It was then that it finally happened; Max spotted her.

One Machiko the Female was seated at the bar between two obvious Hydrangea employees, the company’s flowery logo printed on the back of their jackets. She wore one as well, but Max was liable to credit it to her potentially feminine personality had he not recognized the emblems. Letus caught Max looking off in her direction. “Go over there, man!” he encouraged, “We all see the way you look at her.” The other men at the table nodded and agreed with gleeful cheers. Max sighed, knowing that this sort of teasing would persist if he didn’t just rip the bandage off and go over there. And so, he did.

Max pushed once again through the crowd of patrons and reached the bar. The blinding overhead lights made him a little dizzy, or was it the nerves? Perhaps both. He reached the end of the bar where the three Hydrangea-ites were seated, and he reached to tap on Machiko’s shoulder. As he did, a massive, manly hand reached out and grabbed his wrist faster than he could react. One of Machiko’s coworkers had noticed his approach.

“Hey there, little man,” he said in a deep and smooth voice that seemed to cause Max’s entire body to vibrate, “got somethin’ to say to my girl?”

Fuck, Max thought. She’s taken. He urgently began stuttering out a response. “N-Not at all, I just have talked to her before is all, just wanted to say hi.”

At this point Machiko had turned around and was scolding her boyfriend. “Knock it off, Dirk, he’s a pal. We know each other.” She turned to face Max. “Hey, Max! How ya’ been?”

The beads of sweat were probably visible to anyone in Max’s immediate vicinity at this point. “Oh, ah, y’know, not too bad. Just getting by.”

“Oh yeah, I know how that is. Don’t I, Dirk?” she passed a jeer over to her man.

“Yeah, if anyone’s getting by, it’s you, babe,” he laughed and finally let go of Max’s arm, turning to finish the rest of his drink that was resting on the bar. The couple’s third coworker had yet to join the conversation beyond flashing a few glances at Max.

“Anyway,” Machiko seemed to be wrapping up already, “It’s good to see you, Max.”

“Y-Yeah, you too,” but just as Max began to turn away, his brain cells seemed to reform a fully functional brain and he spun back around. “Actually, ah, Machiko-“

She interrupted him, “Oh, call me Mai.”

By some supernatural occurrence, this token of seeming familiarity made Max blush. “Oh okay, uh Mai. I’ve got somethin’ I wanted to ask you.”

She sipped on her drink without saying another word, awaiting his question.

“See I actually fly a Hydrangea built spaceship, and, well, it’s got this error message that keeps coming up, something about identification, and I was wondering if-“

She interrupted again, “Oh, for sure! Yeah, Dirk and I can go look at it.”

This was about fifty percent of the response that Max was hoping for, but to him it at least beat a blank. He nodded, “Cool, yeah, if you just want to, uh, finish your drinks, I’ll rejoin my friends and we can all go look at it together.” Max considered briefly that Letus and Co. might make for some decent back up, and then recalled how absolutely trashed they were. As Machiko turned back around, Max sheepishly hurried back to his table where Letus awaited his report.

“So, how the hell did it go?” Letus asked earnestly.

“She’s in a relationship, man.”

The table got quiet. “Oh, bummer.”

“She’s gonna check out my ship, though. Y’know, that error message I was telling you about?”

“Oh yeah, that’s perfect! Get ‘er alone on your ship, dude! Pretty freakin’ sly.”

“She’s bringing her boyfriend.”

If it were fundamentally possible for the table to get quieter, it would have.

“Oh,” Letus finally said under his breath. After a few extremely awkward moments, the table went back to their raucous drinking and let Max bathe in his embarrassment before having to board his ship once again, hand-in-hand with girl who was hand-in-hand with boyfriend.

══╬══

“So what’s this guy’s name, anyway?” Letus asked in a hushed tone. He and Max walked together, just ahead of the happy couple, leading them across the Lunar-12 parking lot to Max’s ship. Max was relieved that Letus was able to find it in his heart to chaperone him, turning their awkward threesome into an awkward foursome. Their other friends were still at the bar, pounding away at an appropriately intergalactic rate.

“Dirk,” Max answered after a grimace.

“Dirk!? Jesus Christ,” Letus looked back at the couple briefly and gave an underperformed wave to cover his glance before turning back to Max and whispering, “Yeah he looks like a Dirk.”

They arrived at Max’s precocious parking space, boarding ramp lowering. Max ushered his old friend and one new friend too many onto the ship, crowding them into the the ship’s main corridor. Dirk and Max ducked under the piping and tubing that lined the ceiling as the happy group strolled on over to the engine room. He threw open the door, as he had many times, and introduced Mai to the console, pulling out the keyboard for her.

“Now,” he began to explain, “everything probably looks in order at the moment, but every couple of weeks my entire ship will go on the fritz and start heading off to the nearest Hydrangea station claiming that there’s an ‘identification error’ despite the fact that my ship doesn’t even record my identification, or at least, not as far as I know. It’ll just start taking off if I don’t come back here and override it.”

“That is strange,” Mai agreed, already tapping away on the keyboard and accessing the ship’s internal systems. Dirk and Letus were looking around in the main corridor, poking and prodding at random terminals and fixtures to appear occupied. Mai looked up from the console at Max, who realized in that moment that he was hovering directly over her as she worked. “Do you have your identification on you?”

“Yeah, duh. You have to have one to get into Lunar-12.” He fished his wallet out of his pocket once again and presented his ID to her.

Mai brushed her stark black bangs aside as she studied the ID. “Maximus Cellulie, huh? Well, there’s your problem.”

“That’s a problem?” Max asked.

“Yeah,” she returned her attention to the console, “Your ship is registered under an Auber Thomas.”

“Auber Thomas? I recognize the name, but, ah, I can’t put my finger on it. But what does that have to do with the error message? Like I said, it’s not like I have to present my ID to fly the ship.”

“That’s true, but remember, you’re talking to a Hydrangea technician here, buster brown,” she giggled and looked back up at Max. “These ships are high tech as shit. They know who’s aboard them and who’s not. Auber Thomas sure as hell isn’t aboard it. That’s why your ship is freaking out.”

“Wouldn’t it be doing it constantly, then?”

“Well, yes, ideally. I’m not sure why it isn’t. Old model, I suppose?”

“Old? It ain’t much older than me, though.”

This comment struck Mai as more confusing than anything else that had been said so far. She furrowed her brows and began working away at the console again. “Um, think again.”

“What?”

After a few more moments of surfing the systems, Mai pulled up a window and pointed to it. “See?” she said, urging Max to look. Max followed where her finger was now pointed and read the text: HYDRANGEA STARSHIP MODEL 6767 “TREKMASTER” OPERATIONAL SINCE 2158. “This ship is old as shit, my guy. It’s from Before.”

“What the actual fuck,” was the only thing Max could utter as he stared blankly at the screen, grasping what was being said to him.

“I’m thinking we need to take this bad boy to an orbital station after all if you want to fix this, don’t you think?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Max said, “yeah I do think.”

#story #scifi #fantasy #writing #writerslife

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kaitlyn-writes · 4 years

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Eddie Spaghetti

Eddie Spaghetti || Teen || 6,444

Overview: Richie Tozier wasn’t brave. He never had been. Not in fifth grade when he made it to third base with Jenny, not in eighth grade when they had fought IT, and definitely not now in his senior year, as he was forced to accept a secret he had kept even from himself.

A short R+E fic I wrote at three in the morning to ease my pain.

TW: Swearing, mentions of sex

“Eddie Spaghetti.”

“What, dickhead? And don’t call me that.”

Richie laughed as he pushed Eddie with his foot. He let himself fall back onto his bed from the force of the kick as Eddie’s tsks and tuts filled the space between them.

“As much as I love to sit in silence while you ignore me to make out with your schoolwork, I’m bored. Let’s do something.”

“Do what, bitch?” Eddie responded absentmindedly. He didn’t even bother looking up from his work. “I’ve got a lab report due next week and I’ll be damned if you make me fail it. Don’t-”

“E-d-d-i-e,” Richie annunciated.

The smaller boy drew his mouth into a thin line. In the fifteen years since they had known each other, this was one of the few times that Eddie held his tongue. He would never admit it, but the only time he ever did was if he already knew he would go along with whatever Richie proposed.

Richie had discovered that fact a few years ago. The only problem that came from knowledge that powerful was that it left Richie’s stomach in knots that he couldn’t quite explain. And that he couldn’t bring himself to fully take advantage of Eddie’s complacency.

So instead of saying, ‘Hey, my heart gets all funky when you scrunch up your nose and laugh at my jokes. I don’t really care what we do, I think I just want to make you smile forever.’ Richie proposed, “Let’s go get our dicks wet at the quarry.”

His voice came out much more confident than he felt.

“You want to go swimming in that dirty lake when we could go to Bill’s house and swim in his new pool.”

It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t a no.

“Obviously. That pool’s too tiny for my massive dong. I need room to breathe Eds!”

“You know you’re fucking disgusting.”

It still wasn’t a no.

Richie grabbed onto Eddie’s arm and pulled the best puppy eyes in the entire world. His lip quivered and he let his chest jump up in fake, strangled sobs.

“Ed, Eddie, please. Swimming!”

“Lab. Report.”

Eddie’s smile and his quick glance up to Richie’s face betrayed his reply.

“Swim. Ming.”

“Ming isn’t even a word, jackass. Fucking do your homework!”

Richie jumped from the bed with Eddie’s arm still held loosely in his grip. Eddie didn’t pull his arm back. He never did. That was another thing Richie had learned. He wiggled Eddie’s arm daintily, letting his grip loosen until Richie’s hand had moved to hold Eddie’s wrist.

Eddie was small. It was one of his most defining features. Right alongside being Too Fucking Cute and Really Fucking Annoying. Both in the best possible ways. But it was moments like these when Richie was forced to realize just how small Eddie actually was. With his fingers touching because his hands completely covered Eddie’s thin wrist. Eddie’s small smile tugged up to his small eyes, scrunched into a small scowl as he pretended not to want to agree with Richie’s request.

Eddie’s reply almost lost itself on its way to Richie’s ears.

“Hey, did you hear me? Or do I have to change my mind?”

Richie shook his head and dropped Eddie’s wrist. He moved his hand to his chest and bowed towards the door, drawing a sarcastic laugh from Eddie. Even that was enough.

They both took the steps two at a time, calling out to whoever would listen as they ran.

“Hey, going out for a bit, be back later. Don’t wait up and we’re taking our bikes! See ya!”

It wasn’t like anyone would have tried to stop them. Richie liked to think that his parents were just cool like that. And hey, maybe they really were.

Laughter filled the early fall air as the door snapped shut. Eddie, as reluctant as he was minutes ago, sprinted ahead of Richie and jumped onto his bike. He peddled across the sidewalk a few feet ahead by the time Richie made it to his bike.

If it was a race he wanted, by god, he’d get one.

The only problem with racing, they both already knew, was that they each knew every shortcut. They knew where the crowds were, where the path turned bumpy, where there was only enough room for one bike at a time. And if you made it to that part of the trail first, well, you pretty much won. But that never stopped them from trying.

By the time Eddie’s tires threw the dry earth into the air as he screeched to a stop, Richie had already leaned his bike against their tree. Yes, their tree. The winning tree.

Eddie’s bike fell into the dirt and he threw his hands into the air in defeat. His fingers spread to the heavens as his eyes rolled back in his skull. He opened his mouth as wide as it would go and shouted, “Un-be-lievable!”

He stomped forwards, letting his words get lost in Richie’s laughter.

“You almost killed that old woman! You know she probably dropped her groceries, might have even broken her hip. If she was a witch and she cursed me I’m taking you down with me.”

“Edward Sphaghettward, I curse he and thee-” Richie started.

He knew Eddie wasn’t actually mad, no matter how hard he tried to hide his smile. Even though Eddie wasn’t actually mad, he still grabbed onto Richie’s shirt and narrowed his eyes, backing them both to the cliff’s edge.

Richie didn’t exactly try and stop the advance, though. He walked backwards as effortlessly as Eddie pressed forwards. It wasn’t until they stilled a few steps from the edge that Richie realized he hadn’t finished his joke. He had started to notice that happening a lot recently. No matter how often Eddie stole the words from his mouth, Richie still found himself surprised by it.

He found himself wondering what it meant, too. What it meant for his loudmouth self to fall speechless. But that was always something he thought of later. Never in the moment. In the moment he thought about other things. Like now, for instance. With Eddie’s ‘angry’ expression staring up at him, inches from his face, as he gripped Richie’s shirt in his fist. Richie’s mind thought a lot of things.

Currently, his main thought was, ‘What would it be like if I hit my forehead against Eddie’s right now?’ Well, not hit, necessarily. If he just clunked his forehead against Eddie’s and let it rest there as they stared into each other’s eyes, what would it be like? He swallowed hard.

Richie opened his mouth again to try and cover the blush he thought he felt in his cheeks. He couldn’t believe his stupid brain still thought it felt embarrassed around Eddie. He’d never been embarrassed around Eddie in his life. So why-

“Shut up,” Eddie interrupted before Richie could even make a sound. “I hate you.”

Richie blinked. A smile spread across his face, but he wasn’t completely sure why.

“I hate you. I’m jumping.”

Eddie let go of his shirt, took two giant steps, and lept from the cliff.

Richie swore as he moved past him that Eddie’s face was covered in blush too, but it had all happened so fast that he wasn’t quite sure. Besides, he had been lost in his own head. He had blushed. He could have just imagined it on Eddie too.

What would that mean if he hadn’t imagined it?

Richie plunged down after Eddie. The water stung as he crashed into the pool but the feeling in his chest from the drop was enough to even out the pain.

“My dick feels so free!” he yelled as his head broke the surface.

Almost instantly, his mouth filled with water as Eddie splashed him for his comment. They both laughed, though. It couldn’t have been too bad.

Richie lunged forwards and caught Eddie’s shoulders, leaning his hair back into the water. It had already been soaked from the jump, but Eddie still pretended to be offended.

Time lost meaning as they swam. Neither noticed that their hands had turned to prunes or that their stomachs had shriveled to nothing or that the sun had started to caress the tips of the trees. They were too busy laughing. Too busy living.

Richie wasn’t sure how he managed to do it, but Eddie ended up on his shoulders at some point. No one else was there to play chicken with them. Eddie’s free ride was some sort of silent agreement neither of them were aware of making. But neither one complained.

In the end, Eddie was the first to point out the sun. The water had turned an even darker shade than normal as shadows crept over them. Richie had known for a while that they should have left—he was sure Eddie had known too—but he didn’t want to be the one to end their fun. Eddie could be the party pooper.

Reluctantly, they both pulled themselves out of the water and dripped their way back up the cliff.

“I can’t believe you didn’t bring any towels,” Eddie huffed.

“You could have grabbed some too, ya know. I’m not the only one with hands!”

“Yeah, but it’s your house. And it was your idea to swim and sabotage my entire future by skipping on my lab report.”

“Fine.” Richie stopped in the middle of the trail and hung his head, forcing Eddie to turn with a reluctant smile and watch Richie’s performance. “Eds, I hereby humbly apologize for ruining your whole future forever by forcing you to come on this epic day of fun instead of finishing your boring lab report a week and a half before it’s even due.”

“Come on, drama queen,” Eddie laughed. “If we hurry, I might be able to sleep over. I just need enough time to tell my Mom first.”

Richie’s insides flipped at the mention of Eddie’s mother. Or maybe it was from him offering to sleep over at his house.

“Oh, no need to tell your mom. She can come too. My bed might be able to hold us both. You can take the rug, of course.”

Eddie deliberately doubled back just to smack Richie on the back of his head.

They walked a bit more in silence. Richie found himself lost in his head again, thinking about the feeling of Eddie’s hand against his head. Thinking about what it might feel like if Eddie let his hand linger a moment. Thinking-

“Where’s your head at? You’ve been quiet for like, five whole minutes. That’s got to be some kind of record.”

Eddie’s voice snapped Richie out of his haze but left him somewhere worse. What exactly was he supposed to say? ‘I was thinking about your hand in my hand, Spagheds.’ Fuck no. That’s… weird. Eddie would definitely think so.

Richie never got to think of a reply before Eddie cut in again.

“What are you thinking about right now? I swear to god if you hesitate a second before you answer I’m throwing your bike in the water.”

“My massive dick,” Richie answered in a flash.

It was an obvious lie, that much was clear to both of them, but Richie would be damned if he lost his bike. No bike meant no riding with Eddie. Between school, their parents, the other Losers, and every other damn obstacle in their god-forsaken town, Richie wasn’t about to voluntarily let anything else take time away from his best friend.

“Then I’m thinking about motherfucking Ben,” Eddie snapped in response.

It was too dark to see Eddie’s face, but Richie didn’t need to see him to tell that he was pissed.

“Was- er, were you thinking about Ben?”

“Obviously fucking not, Rich.”

The sound of crunching leaves filled the now heavy silence between them. It was so sudden. So stupid. But of course, Richie’s stupid mouth fell quiet again at the worse fucking time. Always around Eddie. Always when he never wanted to stop talking.

“Hey,” Richie heard himself say.

He’d thought it—he’d thought out an entire conversation, actually—but he never planned on following through with actually saying anything. It was too late to turn back now, though. Neither of them stopped walking, but Eddie turned his head questioningly, expecting Richie to continue.

“I’m, uh, sorry if I did something. Or said something. And I’m not being weird, or, I’m not trying to, but- are you angry with me? And not like, playful angry, but actually snappy and pissed. I know this is stupid girly shit and it’s so weird that I’m even bringing this up because it seems like it happened so suddenly and maybe I’m reading too much into it but I don’t want you to be angry with me and we’re almost up the hill and then we’ll be on our bikes and if we’re riding we can’t talk and-”

Eddie’s sigh calmed the fear beating against Richie’s chest. “Fucking breathe, jesus christ.”

He did. It was deep and ragged and completely out of character. He drew in a breath and let it out as he fell silent again. He wasn’t a sap. That was Ben’s shtick. Bill too. But not him. He hated the way this felt in his head and his heart and his pulse.

They rounded the corner to the top of the cliff in silence. The silence held as they grabbed onto their bikes. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything. Richie swung his legs over his seat and turned to look at Eddie. It was a good thing he did.

Eds hadn’t gotten on his bike yet. Instead, he held it in a death grip as he stared at the ground. They were high enough now that the last of the sun’s rays danced across Eddie’s face, highlighting the lines of frustration that drew across his forehead.

Something inside Richie pulled him to ask what was wrong. To drop his bike and comfort his friend. But something else held him back.

They spent a few more minutes filled with silence before Eddie finally looked up. Richie’s heart skipped a beat as they locked eyes. Feelings were fucking stupid.

“Rich, I wasn’t thinking about Ben.”

“Yeah, we established tha-”

“You weren’t thinking about your dick.”

“It’s hard not to think about.”

“I will throw you back in the fucking sewer with that fucking clown I swear to you-”

“Okay, okay,” Richie laughed softly. “Look, I uh-”

“Do you think I’m brave?”

The question completely caught him off guard. How could he not be brave?

‘Eddie, loud mouthed, witty, unapologetic, I broke my arm, mouthed off to my abusive overprotective mother, faced every fear I’ve ever had, killed a fucking clown, ditched his homework to jump off a cliff into some dirty lake water, Kaspbrak. That fucking Eddie somehow thinks he’s not brave?’

They both sat on their bikes now, staring at each other. Eddie nodded his head thoughtfully and it took a second for Richie to realize that he had said all of that out loud. That definitely wasn’t what he had intended. How many times had he done that before?

Eddie eased himself onto his pedals and slowly pushed off from the ground. He crept by Richie as the sun fully dipped below the trees and said quietly, “I want to be brave.”

His soft voice left butterflies in Richie’s stomach. It was the stupidest fucking thing. He hated when that happened. Except he didn’t hate it. Eddie was so fucking brave. Richie on the other hand, he could act brave, but none of it was true. He was a coward, and of course, it would be Eddie who made him realize that fact.

Eddie. Who made Richie feel like the bravest and the most cowardly person in existence. Eddie, who tugged at Richie’s mind almost every minute of every day. Eddie, who- fuck. FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck. Shit.

Richie’s heart nearly beat out of his chest. His sweat covered palms slipped as he struggled to keep his grip on his bike handles.

What the actual genuine motherfucking fuck. Why did he realize this now? It took him four years. Four fucking years to come to this realization. It terrified him. Richie was almost scared to even acknowledge the thought. If he did, that might make it too real. He wasn’t brave enough for that. Fuck.

Richie bolted ahead of Eddie at top speed. He barely heard Eddie’s angry, “Hey!” called out behind him, but he didn’t stop. Not until they both rolled up to Eddie’s porch, panting and heaving.

Somehow Richie managed to even his breathing long enough to say, “Can’t stay over tonight, forgot, I’ve got a thing. Sorry. See you tomorrow!” and pedal away.

He left Eddie, soaked and panting on his front porch with no further explanation, but in the moment, he couldn’t have given one. And of course, he’d said, ‘see you tomorrow,’ because even in this mess, even in his fear, he couldn’t stay away. Fuck.

Somehow it felt like both an eternity and only a second had passed when Richie finally skidded to a stop outside Stan’s house. He tripped over his handlebar as he jumped from his ride and sprinted to the doorstep.

He took a second to compose himself, prepared his best voice and his most proper manners to convince Stan’s father to let him in, and knocked.

Shuffling came from the other side of the door after another eternity of waiting and it finally creaked open.

“Mr. Uris, hello. I’m sorry to bother you at such a late hour but I have to talk to Stan. Now.”

He spoke too quickly, too urgently, he knew that. But his mind was moving at a bajillion miles per hour and he couldn’t calm himself down if he tried.

“Richard, of course. I’m sorry, but it’s a school night and Stanley has already gone to bed. I’m sure your talk can wait until morning.”

He moved to shut the door, but Richie wedged his foot in the crack just in time to feel his toes crunch in his shoes. Mr. Uris looked shocked. Richie fought back a swear and forced a smile onto his face as Mr. Uris pulled back the door, releasing Richie’s foot.

“Please, I forgot we have a project due tomorrow and if I don’t talk to him now, I could realistically die. I’m completely serious,” he added after Mr. Uris gave him a strange look.

“I will make sure and have him up early, but I’m afraid tonight just won’t work. Goodnight, Richie.”

He cursed softly as the door fully shut and the hall light snapped off: A clear signal for him to Fuck Off. Or it would be if Richie didn’t know which window was Stan’s.

After a few minutes of waiting, or maybe it had only been a few seconds, Richie doubled back into the landscape and dug out the biggest rock he could find. He wound his arm back, aimed, and tossed it gently against Stan’s window. Except it wasn’t as gentle as Richie had anticipated. Actually, it wasn’t gentle at all. The rock completely shattered the window, spraying the room with shards of glass.

Richie cringed as he stared up at the mess. A war raged in his mind as to whether or not he should run. But before he could make the decision for himself, Stan appeared at the scene of the crime. He held the rock in his hand, aimed down at the ground below as a fire blazed in his eyes. He had been fully prepared to attack whoever had assaulted his window until he saw it was Richie.

Realizing it was his friend only made him want to throw it more. And he did.

The rock missed Richie by a few feet, but only because he knew Stan hadn’t aimed properly. He leaned out his window and half shouted, half whispered, “What the hell was that for?”

“I have to talk to you right now or I’ll die, and your dad wouldn’t let me in the house!” Richie shout-whispered back.

“So you break my fucking window?”

“I’m going to fucking die, man! Right now! Talk!”

“All you ever do is talk...”

Stain pulled his head back inside and disappeared. Richie tapped his foot impatiently. He rocked back and forth, spun in circles, paced. He did basically everything ever because Staniel was the slowest person on earth. But finally, the door creaked open, then shut, and Stan joined him on his lawn.

“What t-”

“Stan, I think I’m gay.”

The words fell from his mouth before he could even give them an ounce of thought. It was lucky he even managed to say it, but it hadn’t been far from his intended reveal.

“Okay...” Stan trailed into silence with a look on his face that screamed, ‘is that all?’ and frankly, Richie was offended.

“Okay? That’s all you have to say? Why aren’t you freaking out? I’m freaking out! I’m about to have a motherfucking heart attack on your lawn!”

Stanley’s face softened suddenly, and he cut Richie off before his rambling could go any further. That was part of the reason Richie went to him over any of his other friends. Stan knew how and when to shut him the fuck up.

“Wait, you’re being serious right now?”

“Yes, I’m being serious! I’m having a crisis, a gay crisis, and I don’t know what to do! I don’t even know if I am, but-”

“Oh my god. Okay, I’m going to bite my tongue on a lot right now but just let me get one thing off my chest.” Stanley took a deep breath and looked Richie dead in the eyes. A dopey smile plastered his face. “You’re just finding this out now?”

Richie’s mouth had already opened, anticipating nearly every possible response but the one Stan had just given. His mouth snapped shut out of confusion before he tried again.

“What do you mean?”

“Rich, you’ve been making googly eyes at Eddie for the past five years!”

“You mean goo goo eyes?”

Richie realized Stan’s bait too little too late. He had already fallen into the trap of asking, so that was on him. It was stupid. Barely even a joke. But it did help calm him, somehow.

“See! If it wasn’t true you would’ve thrown a joke there.” His tone suddenly turned more serious, though it still held the kind support Richie craved. “So, it is Eddie?”

“Yeah… I guess it always has been.”

“What made you realize now?”

A sigh escaped Richie’s throat as he tilted his head back, staring up into the stars. Where to even begin.

“I took Eddie swimming like, five minutes ago-”

“You realized this five fucking minutes ago?!”

“Shut up, I’m going through atonement here. Yeah. I’ve been thinking about stuff for a while. Not like, whether or not I like guys, but just the way Eddie makes me feel. It’s warm and jittery and happy and sick and all these weird conflicting emotions that ball up in my chest and my head and-”

“Rich.”

“Yeah, sorry. Anyway, we swam and Eddie asked me if he was brave. Then I thought a bunch of stuff in my head that I guess I accidentally said out loud. Nothing weird, just basically, ‘Yeah, Eddie. You’re super brave and here’s a ton of reasons why!’,” Richie said, accompanied by a terrible Eddie impression. He cleared his throat and continued. “That got me thinking about how I really do think he’s brave. But I’m not brave. But Eddie makes me feel like I’m brave, and I’m always thinking about him, and he gives me butterflies, and the best part of my entire day is getting to make him smile. It all just kinda hit me. I think I’m gay. And I think I have a crush on Eddie.”

Stan rested a hand on Richie’s shoulder. He understood. Aside from Eddie—which, now he was technically a crush, so could he really even count?—Stan was Richie’s closest friend. That meant they knew each other. He knew what Richie needed.

“It’s gonna be okay. Did you talk to Eddie about it?”

“Obviously not, that’s why I’m here or I’d be...”

Richie wanted to make a joke. He wanted to say, ‘Or I’d be back sucking his dick.’ but he had no clue how Eddie would react to Richie’s confession and it seemed wrong to joke about something that could potentially ruin his entire life. Richie wasn’t even sure himself as to what he wanted. He had liked girls in the past. Or at least, he thought he had. But now that this realization had struck him, there was no denying that he liked Eddie. He really liked Eddie. He just didn’t know how any of this worked. It sucked.

“This is going to eat you alive if you don’t talk to him.”

Stan interrupted Richie at the perfect time even when he was trapped in his own head. He almost wanted to hug him.

“Thanks, Stan.” Richie pulled his bike from the ground and jumped onto the seat. Stan’s confused expression drew a smile across Richie’s. “If I think too much it’ll never get it done so I’m going to go talk to him while I’m still riding the Stan high. Make sure tomorrow at school I’ve said something!”

“Wait, Richie, not tonight! His mom-”

“Yeah, I’ll confess my love for her too!” he shouted back over his shoulder.

Just like that, he was gone. He’d apologize to Mr. Uris about the broken window later. Now, he had more important things to attend to.

If Richie didn’t think Stanley would call him out in front of the rest of their friends for not talking to Eddie, he would have ridden straight home and panicked in silence for the rest of the night. But Stan would Absolutely do that. And Richie had promised. So here he was, stopped in front of Eddie’s porch, again, for the second time tonight. It couldn't have been much more than an hour since he left, but that didn’t matter right now. It couldn’t.

Richie’s heart pounded as he threw a pebble against Eddie’s window. He was careful this time not to shatter the glass, but breaking it proved much more effective. It took Richie nearly ten tries before he finally got Eddie’s attention.

He looked angry as he leaned out into the cool air. His freshly showered hair stuck to his forehead.

“What do you want? I thought you had a thing?”

“I did. Thing’s over now. Can we talk?”

Eddie’s face scrunched in concern. He almost pulled his head back inside but thought better of it. It was like a breath of fresh air and a punch in the git when he nodded hurriedly and waved Richie inside.

Scaling the tree that branched to Eddie’s window barely took a second, or maybe it took forever. Either way, once he finally stepped inside and Eddie quietly lowered the glass behind him, time stopped completely.

“How was your thing?” Eddie asked in annoyance.

“You know. It was a thing.”

Perfect. Eddie stole his fucking voice again. They stood for a bit in complete silence until they both rushed to speak at the same time.

“I thi-”

“Rich, I-”

They shared an awkward laugh. The next minute was spent arguing over who should talk first, until Eddie finally drew himself up to his full height—which barely reached Richie’s nose—and demanded that Richie talk. It was the first time he had ever heard someone ask him to talk. Usually it was the opposite.

“Okay,” Richie started with a shaky sigh. “I, uh, hate talking about feelings and junk. That’s girly and weird. And I’m not that, but I- I wanted to say that, well, to talk about- I wanted you to know that I realized, maybe, I think-” Richie swore under his breath and muttered, “God, I sound worse than Bill,” before he forced himself to continue. “Gay. That’s- I think I’m gay. That’s it.”

That wasn’t it. But even just saying that took too much effort. So for now, that was it.

Silence filled the room again. It grew heavier with every passing second, but Eddie never looked angry.

For the first time in his life, Richie stayed voluntarily quiet. To add another first, he prayed. He didn’t even pray that Eddie liked him back. Just that he wouldn’t hate him. That they could still be friends.

“What about Jenny? Sixth grade?” Eddie finally asked.

Richie couldn’t help but laugh. The outburst brought a smile to Eddie’s face and for a second, Richie let himself hope.

“Well, I liked her then. Or, I thought I did. I thought that was the best day of my life for a really long time-” Eddie’s face fell suddenly and Richie quickly changed the subject. “But now I don’t know if I actually did like her or not. It might have been an in the moment thing. But if it wasn’t- I don’t know if you can like both. But I know now I’ve got a crush on a guy. Like, it’s definitely a crush, and so I think I might be...”

He trailed off into silence again. Eddie sat down at the end of his bed and nodded his head slowly.

“You can like both, dipshit,” he said quietly.

Richie mimicked Eddie’s actions, nodding his head slowly. He barely registered the playful insult.

He guessed that made sense. You could like chocolate and vanilla, so why not girls and guys? That made sense...

“What were you going to say?” he asked eventually.

Eddie swallowed nervously and shifted his weight on his bed.

“I uh, I don’t like both. That’s what I was going to say. Guys and girls. I don’t like both.”

It took a second for Eddie’s confession to fully register. By the time it did, Richie had never been gladder in his entire life that he held his tongue. He might have confessed a dark secret and ruined their friendship, but at least he hadn’t admitted to having a crush on Eddie specifically.

After Richie failed to respond, Eddie finally broke the long spell of silence. “I only like guys.”

Richie continued nodding his head until Eddie’s words finally clicked into place. When they did, Richie’s entire nervous system shut down. He froze mid nod, his eyes staring at the carpet. His eyes shifted up slowly, afraid of what they might see. When gaze finally met, Richie saw nothing but warmth.

He found himself smiling without even having let it happen. A warm, nervous feeling filled his chest.

“Yeah?” Richie asked breathlessly.

Eddie laughed in response. “Yeah.”

“So, uh, how long have you known?”

“It was about five years ago when I really accepted it,” Eddie confessed. “But I think I knew when I was a lot younger. You?”

“About an hour ago.”

He hadn’t meant to admit that, but his brain wasn’t exactly working on his terms right now.

Eddie’s eyebrows raised in a crease, and he drew his head back in shock. His face had turned redder than a tomato. He tried to play it off by looking up at the ceiling and ignoring Richie. It worked about as well as he expected it to.

“I didn’t mean-” Richie started, but Eddie cut him off.

“You made me realize I was gay.”

Silence was the theme of the night. The only plus was that each time it fell over them, it felt better than the last.

“Really?”

Richie’s breathy reply filled with more hope than wanted to allow, but at this point he didn’t care.

“Yeah. It was that year when everyone hit puberty all at once-”

“Fifth fucking grade,” Richie groaned.

He nodded his head and closed his eyes. It felt good to fall back into his jokes.

“Yeah, fifth fucking grade is right. Everyone else got crushes and went off and had sex and… I just wanted to hang out with you. I was just, don’t fuck with me for this, I thought I was a late bloomer.”

Richie snorted but Eddie’s sharp glare set him on his best behavior. He threw himself onto the bed by Eddie’s pillows and propped himself onto his arm, ready to hang on Eddie’s every word.

“I thought maybe I was broken, or I hadn’t actually hit puberty. Then one day we had a stupid science project and we came here to work on it.” Eddie paused to deepen his blush. “We got it done really fast and I still wanted to hang out, so we laid around and read comics for a while-”

“Wait, I think I remember that-” Richie interrupted, but Eddie cut him off again.

“You got bored and you’re an asshole, so you gave me a wet willy and I wrestled you for payback...”

Eddie trailed off but he didn’t need to finish the story. Richie remembered exactly what happened.

He was bigger than Eddie, he always had been. So, when Eddie had tried to retaliate with a wet willy of his own, Richie didn’t shy away from proving his strength. Eddie had pushed Richie playfully into the wall, but he flipped their roles like it was nothing.

They struggled for a bit, but Richie only let it draw on so Eddie wouldn’t feel bad. Richie ended up on top of him, pressing his wrists down into the mattress as he let out a triumphant laugh. Eddie’s face had flushed red from the exertion of fighting him, but looking back, there might have been another reason for his scarlet appearance.

The electricity in Richie’s chest might not have just been from his victory.

“This one guy in our grade made me realize,” Richie sighed dramatically. He let a dreamy look fall over his face as his gaze rose to meet Eddie’s. He was surprised when he thought he saw Eddie’s face hold a glint of anger. “He’s about yay high-” Richie held his hand to his nose. “Dark eyes, darker hair, and the only wit in the world to rival my own. Oh, and he’s the cutest motherfucker in the entire world.”

Richie’s heart raced just having those thoughts rattle inside his head, let alone saying them out loud. An hour and a half ago he had forced himself to come to terms with the fact that he liked guys. That he liked Eddie. Now, somehow he found the courage to speak his heart. This was all way too much and he loved it.

“What the fuck, dick for brains?”

Richie snapped out of his euphoric daze and stared at Eddie in confusion.

“What?”

“Dude? I just confessed to having a lifelong crush on you and you sit here and tell me about some other guy that gave you a hard on? What the fuck?”

How on earth could he have fallen in love with the stupidest person in existence. ‘Love?’ That was a thought for another day.

Richie couldn’t help but laugh. He rolled forward and grabbed onto Eddie’s knee, pulling himself into a sitting position so he could lean against the wall. Really, he did it to lean closer to Eddie. Now, more than ever, all he wanted to do was be close to him.

“It’s you, Eds. You’re my fucking crush.”

His gentle voice calmed Eddie’s rage. It took a moment, but Eddie finally laughed. His blush turned soft as a smile stretched dimples into his cheeks.

Richie wasn’t sure how long they laid in bed and laughed. It felt like forever. Like no time at all. He never wanted it to end. But when it finally did, they were both leaned against the wall, an arm or hand keeping their skull from throbbing against the hard plaster. Their heads were close. Barely inches apart. That’s what finally stilled their laughter. Proximity.

“You smell like the fucking lake,” Eddie finally whispered.

Laughter was their new theme. It was much better than silence, but the threat of it never left. Richie held his breath as their giggles faded. It was his turn to break it.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.

Richie wasn’t brave. He never had been. But he was learning pretty quickly how to change that.

Eddie nodded without a moment’s hesitation and then they had both leaned in. Nothing existed but Eddie.

It was slow at first, both hesitant to move out of fear or nervousness or whatever the fuck. But the second Richie’s cold, chapped lips pressed against Eddie’s smooth ones, he felt starved. He needed to kiss Eddie, more than he had ever needed anything else in his life. And fuck, he was gay.

Richie pushed back against Eddie needily. He had barely enough sense to put his hand in Eddie’s hair before his head slammed into the wall. His hair was still damp from his shower, but it was soft and short and shit it felt so nice.

Eddie kissed him back just as hungrily. They pulled each other closer, nothing but a mess of limbs and tongues.

The second Eddie parted his lips and tugged at Richie’s curls; Richie was gone. His tongue pulled a moan from Richie’s throat. Eddie swallowed it as Richie tipped his head down and deepened their kiss.

Richie suddenly pulled back and threw his lips against Eddie’s cheek. Then his jaw, and his chin, and his neck. His fucking neck. He had to hold a hand against Eddie’s mouth to stop his moaning.

He could stay in this moment forever. Terrifying and new and fucking euphoric. But he knew he couldn’t let himself. Not now. As much as he wanted to.

Richie drew his tongue up Eddie’s neck, savoring his freshly washed taste and the sounds his mouth pulled from him.

“Is it okay if we wait?” Richie panted.

His chest heaved with every breath he took and damn if he didn’t want to keep going. But he needed to think. And Eddie needed to breathe. And they had all the time in the world.

“Yeah,” Eds responded breathlessly. “Yeah, whatever you want. Yeah.”

Richie leaned in and kissed him again, softly. He pulled Eddie down on top of him as they fell back into the mound of pillows.

They laid together in Eddie’s twin bed, holding each other close. Richie wasn’t going anywhere. And Eddie didn’t want him to.

Richie’s mind hadn’t been still since the second he had learned to think. But right now, in this moment, only one thought filled his mind.

‘Stan should have told me I was gay years ago.’

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tigerkirby215 · 3 years

Text

5e Seraphine, the Starry-Eyed Songstress build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Jennifer Wuestling. Made for Riot Games.)

I mean I’m going to have to build her eventually, right? Honestly Tasha’s Cauldron comes out tomorrow so I may as well take a bit of a cheat day and make a build for the new champ. I mean I still have to and pick out a bunch of spells so at least I’m doing that?

Samira build is going to come out sometime in the year 3587 lol.

GOALS

Lookin' for a song in everything I meet! - Seraphine is a stage performer, rallying the whole crowd into song to make it loud and proud!

You're all breathtaking! - Seraphine can unite everyone around her with shields and heals. COUGH SONA COUGH.

Sing it with me! - When the time comes Seraphine can bring the whole world closer together! Good thing she isn’t mute.

RACE

I would really love to do a funny joke and say that Seraphine is a Tiefling or an Orc or something but no: she’s a Human. I can’t even justify any of the Eberron races so we’ll just be going for good ol’ Variant Human.

As a human you can increase two ability scores of your choice: pump up your Charisma and Dexterity to keep fit and beautiful. You can also learn a skill of your choice and for hearing so strong you can hear the voices of a dying nation inside your special necklace take Perception proficiency. You can also take any language of your choice so I’d suggest one that fits with your group, or whichever one you think is Korean. Actually I think Seraphine sung in Chinese which also made people mad? Man Riot can’t stop making her controversial, huhn?

But of course the main appeal of Variant Human is the free feat at level 1. I think Alert is pretty good for mimicking super sensitive hearing. Along with a +5 bonus to initiative you can’t be surprised nor can you be snuck up on. Being able to hear everyone has its perks, huhn?

ABILITY SCORES

15; CHARISMA - If you’re gonna get the crowd to adore you you’ve gotta look the part.

14; CONSTITUTION - I don’t care if Seraphine is a squishy midlane mage we simply don’t need anything else more. Feel free to swap this out with a different stat if you want better roleplay but worse health.

13; DEXTERITY - You need to be able to keep your balance on a moving platform as well as be able to dance along with the K/DA crew.

12; WISDOM - Seraphine’s big thing is being able to hear the emotions of everyone. Knowing what makes people tick is Insight, which is a Wisdom skill.

10; INTELLIGENCE - Seraphine is just your average, everyday girl. Ditzy and a little clueless.

8; STRENGTH - Seraphine can best be described as “petite.” Muscles in the chest hurt your nice soprano.

BACKGROUND

Now you may not know this but Seraphine is a singer, which is a type of Entertainer. As an Entertainer you get proficiency in Performance (obviously) and Acrobatics as well as a music instrument of your choice (Indie Seraphine plays guitar so grab a Lute) and a Disguise Kit, so maybe you can disguise the fact that you’re a copy of So...

Being the premier superstar of Piltover means that you get to tour around a lot By Popular Demand. You can perform in exchange for a place to stay, and doing so will get people to notice you! "Music helps you keep your head up."

(Artist unknown. Blame LoL Wiki. Artwork made for Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - BARD 1

YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT SERAPHINE IS A BARD. As a Bard you get proficiency in three skills as well as three instruments! Choose whatever instruments you want (you mostly sing, and the majority of magical instruments are Lutes anyways which you’re already proficient in) (my secret advice? Pan Flutes and Horns have a few magic instruments) but for your skills take Insight to hear the crowd, Persuasion to rally the crowd, and Arcana to learn why your magic crystal is screaming.

You also get Bardic Inspiration! Seraphine talks about being inspired so she can inspire others, and you can inspire your allies with a d6 to add to Attack Rolls, Saving Throws, and Skill Checks!

But of course Bards are spellcasters with Spellcasting too! You can learn two cantrips from the Bard list: Prestidigitation will let you get some special effects on stage and Vicious Mockery doesn’t have to be mockery... It would just be a lot cooler if it was.

You also learn four spells from the Bard list: Comprehend Languages will let you understand everyone’s song, and Faerie Fire will let you light up their life. On the more unnerving end Dissonant Whispers will let folk listen to your crystal, and Detect Magic will let you tell exactly what kind of magic you’re hearing. That’s weird: why is the Hextech crystal radiating Necromancy?

LEVEL 2 - BARD 2

Second level Bards are Jack of All Trades, being able to add half their proficiency bonus to any skill check. Because you see the rhythm in everything! Additionally you get Song of Rest, helping your friends take a break and recover more health during short rests.

But most importantly you get another spell! Another way to cheer someone up is to give them a good laugh, and Tasha’s Hideous Laughter will make them do just that! Maybe they’re laughing about the fact that Riot keeps insisting your not a copy of Sona? Oh don’t worry the jabs at Seraphine as a character are just gonna keep coming.

LEVEL 3 - BARD 3

Third level Bards get Expertise in two skills: choose Insight to hear the souls of both cities, and Performance because... yeah duh. You don’t become famous in a day.

But much more importantly you get your choice of Bard College, and for the rich and fabulous the College of Glamour will make sure everyone loves you! You can now officially captivate the whole audience (up to your Charisma modifier) with your Enthralling Performance, charming them and making them idolize you and defend you on Twitter. To both shield your allies and speed them up with Surround Sound Mantle of Inspiration takes a Bonus Action to give them Temporary Hitpoints and let them take a reaction to move out of danger. Yeah this was pretty much on a silver platter for me so I figured I’d take it.

You can also learn another spell and for an effective Beat Drop take Hold Person, rooting them in place for long enough that your ADC can do their magic.

LEVEL 4 - BARD 4

4th level comes with your first Ability Score Improvement. Charisma is pretty much everything for us now so pumping that up would be helpful!

You can also learn another spell and another cantrip! For your cantrip Dancing Lights will let you light up your stage and also pulls double duty by letting your dumb human eyes see in the dark. As for leveled spells Suggestion is a more direct form of emotional manipulation, suggesting actions for the other person to take. These actions can’t be directly harmful or against what the character would normally do, but “you should buy my $30 release skin” is a fairly ordinary request, right?

(Picture from Seraphine’s Twitter. Yup Seraphine is definitely real.)

LEVEL 5 - BARD 5

5th level Bards get Font of Inspiration, allowing their Bardic Inspiration to come back on a Short rest instead of a Long rest. This is great because your Bardic Inspiration die also increases to a d8, increasing your Mantle of Inspiration Temp HP too!

You can also learn third level spells but the keyword here is can because I’m actually going to stick at second to take spells like Calm Emotions. Man you’ll never guess what this spell does.

While Calm Emotions is a nice spell feel free to deviate from my builds as you see fit. Like seriously a temporary ceasefire is nice but so is a huge Fear cone.

LEVEL 6 - BARD 6

6th level Glamour Bards can make people dance like they have a magical instrument from Ionia. Mantle of Majesty lets you Concentrate on a not-spell once per Long Rest and get the ability to cast the Command actual-spell as a Bonus Action for one minute. Command lets you make one word commands at your enemy as long as they can understand you and you aren’t asking them to do something harmful to themselves. So commands like “Dance!” “Sing!” and “Cheer!” are all viable (though perhaps not effective in a teamfight.)

You can also add another spell to your spell list but again the third level Bard spells aren’t too enticing to me, so take Enthrall to make sure they concentrate on you and you alone.

Oh and you get Countercharm, letting you use an action to give allies against Frightening and Charming effects. Or they could buy some Tenacity. Or you could get a Paladin.

LEVEL 7 - BARD 7

7th level Bards get 4th level spells and Confusion will get the crowd mixed up in the noise, resulting in a cacophony that would sound like unbearable noise to most. Because it is unbearable noise. But at least your friends can fight them in the madness.

LEVEL 8 - BARD 8

8th level Bards get another Ability Score Improvement. Do you know what’s helpful for a class based entirely on Charisma? Maxed out Charisma!

You know what else is helpful? Charm Monster, so you can talk to any crystal scorpions that might be looking for their family. I mean, assuming the Brackern speak human.

(Picture from Seraphine’s Twitter. Yup Seraphine is definitely real.)

LEVEL 9 - BARD 9

9th level sees your Song of Rest increase to a d8. Does this ability scale really poorly? Yeah kinda.

At least you get 5th level spells now. If you want some high notes that’ll dance around you Animate Objects will let you make a bunch of tiny objects to hit your foes! Honestly at this point all the Enchantment spells become uhhh... evil? So we have to go for a different school if we want “good” spells.

LEVEL 10 - BARD 10

10th level Bards get Expertise in two more skills: Persuasion will help you shift the hearts of a nation. Take whatever skill you want as your secondary one since it honestly doesn’t matter too much. (I personally opted for Perception.)

But more importantly it’s Magical Secrets time! This will let you get any spell from any class’ spell list and add it to your own! Most of the time when you get this feature you want to grab some stuff at the max level you can cast but I’m actually going to go down to third level for some support and buffs! For a healing aura around you take Aura of Vitality from the Paladin spell list. To quickly charm a crowd Incite Greed will force everyone to be charmed by you as they want to see your 50 dollar Brackern Corpse... I mean Hextech crystal.

Along with your two Magical Secrets you also get another cantrip. Message is always good to keep plans in team chat.

LEVEL 11 - BARD 11

11th level Bards get 6th level spells like Otto's Irresistible Dance, which forces everyone to get into the rhythm! It’s much harder to fight when you’re dancing: it’s like being stunned! Good thing only you can force a stunning dance on enemies.

LEVEL 12 - BARD 12

12th level Bards get an Ability Score Improvement but now that your Charisma is maxed you can grab Inspiring Leader to rally everyone together for an awesome performance!

(Artist unknown. Blame LoL Wiki. Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 13 - BARD 13

13th level Bards see their Song of Rest increase to a d10, and this is the point where I make a joke about Song of Rest scaling poorly.

You at least get 7th level spells, and because none of these really fit Seraphine I’m going to suggest Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion for a K/DA stage. But again I need to remind people that I’m picking options for RP and you’re welcome to build the character however you want. Take what you think will be useful and make your own song!

LEVEL 14 - BARD 14

14th level Eloquence Bards have Unbreakable Majesty! As a Bonus Action you can put on your Ultimate Skin to force enemies to make Charisma saves if they try to attack you. If they fail, they’ll target someone else! This is a great way to keep the damage off you since you don’t exactly have great HP or AC. Do remember that it only lasts for a minute though, but you can get it back at the end of a Short or Long rest.

Additionally you get two more Magical Secrets! If you want to sing to enemies far and long (but maybe not Wide) Gravity Fissure is a Dunamancy spell that forces everyone in a line to take a massive amount of damage and be pulled to the center of the spell.

Now that you got your ultimate the world is honestly your oyster. My recommendation to get a crowd to put their hands up would be Chain Lightning, but that’s more because the spell is good than because it fits Sera.

LEVEL 15 - BARD 15

15th levels get their maximum Bardic Inspiration die of a d12! This also means that your Mantle of Inspiration will now give everyone 15 temporary hitpoints! "Harmonize!"

LoL Wiki doesn’t let me link to voice lines anymore and that’s a true crime.

And hey; 8th level spells! If you want to make some Gamers™ mad about your “cash grab” Twitter account just inflict them with Feeblemind so they can spam pictures of Skarner like the marketing department gets to choose what the champion designers make. Because remember: even if Seraphine isn’t real the people pretending to be her are, so don’t be an ass please!

LEVEL 16 - BARD 16

Who likes ASIs? We haven’t used our hyper-sensitive hearing enough so take the Observant feat for a +1 to Wisdom and a +5 to passive Perception and Investigation. And the ability to pick up on lyrics by reading people’s lips!

Are there more useful feats? Yeah, but we build for character here. If you want a powerbuild check out Reddit.

(Picture from Seraphine’s Twitter. Yup Seraphine is definitely real.)

LEVEL 17 - BARD 17

17th level Bards get to pretend that Song of Rest is a good ability! It’s a d12 now so I’m sure it’s useful now that your party all have around 100 HP!

But you finally get access to your mythical 9th level spells! Honestly all the options are great for a girl who has everything, but I’m going to go for the fun Music Video option of True Polymorph. Turn Akali into a dragon! Turn Evelynn into a demon! Turn Skarner into a battery! The possibilities are endless! (Unlike the #BrackernRights memes.)

LEVEL 18 - BARD 18

18th level Bards get their last two Magical Secrets. This is also the last two spells you’ll be getting so better make them count! Of course the best way to make a spell count is to Wish for anything. With this you can finally unite Piltover and Zaun, as long as you believe enough! Or you can bring back Skarner’s family...

For something a little more in-character and a lot more immediately practical: Mass Heal is the perfect Catch-22 to negate any burst. A burst of 700 HP to everyone is never not useful for a bit of Redemption.

LEVEL 19 - BARD 19

19th level Bards get their last Ability Score Improvement: we have an uneven Wisdom score thanks to our last Feat so eh. May as well take Resilient Wisdom for better saving throws and even scores.

LEVEL 20 - BARD 20

20th level Bards have Superior Inspiration! When you roll initiative and have no uses of Bardic Inspiration left, you regain one use. That is literally how the ability is worded. I mean, okaaaaay? At least you can spam Mantle of Inspiration a little more?

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Whole world hears me now! - You’re a full caster with no multiclassing! 9th level spells: no strings attached! You’ve even got a nice spread between Concentration spells and Non-Concentration spells, as well as both utility and combat spells.

Everyone fights to be heard; I'll fight to listen - Being a Bard means you’re good at just about everything, and particularly good at a select few things. 29 Passive Perception? +17 to Persuasion?

We've only just met and I'm already inspired - Who would’ve guessed that a Support class built to support well would be a good support? You’ve got charms, heals, and CC a plenty along with Inspiring Leader to bolster everyone before a battle and Mantle of Inspiration to keep everyone moving with the music!

CONS

Stage fright? Never heard of it - A lot of your BADDEST™ toys are locked behind big spell slots. You’ve only got two 6th level slots, and just one 9th level slot despite having three different 9th level spells to choose from. Again feel free to build your spell list however you want as I just picked what fit in character.

Pretend it's a big rehearsal - Your DEX is meh, your CON is meh. 140 HP isn’t godawful but it isn’t great when you’ll likely have 14 AC at best with Studded Leather. You know what’s really hot right now? Tattoos. See if your DM’s a cool dude who’ll pass you a Rare Barrier Tattoo from Tasha’s to essentially get Medium Armor! Elven Chain is also nice and pretty.

Joy's too quiet without sorrow on the downbeat - I don’t want to make two points related to your stats but they’re the only thing that’s really hurting in this build. Your only good stat is Charisma: and everything else ranges from meh (+2 in DEX / WIS / CON) to bad (0 in INT, -1 in STR.) While you’ll still be able to roleplay with Jack of All Trades skills your Saving Throws hurt. Your concentration is bad and anything heavy will break your petite spine in two. Luckily INT saves aren’t common but anything Strength or Constitution based will quickly put an end to your performance.

Uniting the world in song isn’t easy, but if anyone can do it it’s you. Harmonize, move with the rhythm, and unite everyone through song. There’s nothing you can’t do, and no one can bring you down down down down down down. Well, except perhaps an angry crystal scorpion monster and his army of Twitter followers.

(Artist unknown. Blame LoL Wiki. Artwork made for Riot Games.)

#Free Skarner #Brackern Rights #dnd #dnd 5e #dnd build #dnd guide #League of Legends #League of Legends Seraphine #k/da #k/da more #k/da seraphine #dnd bard

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mermaidsirennikita · 4 years

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Any thoughts on the Golden Globes nominatios?

Honestly? They’re pretty bullshit overall lol

The biggest issue for me, OBVIOUSLY, is Jeremy Strong being snubbed. His show got nominated, which it should have; Kieran got nominated, which he should have; I’d even be good with Brian being nominated, IF Jeremy was nominated. Brian does great work, but in terms of having the MATERIAL and transcending it, Jeremy (and imo Kieran) out-acts him every time. Jeremy conveys so much in a performance. He’s got the tragedy, the comedy, it’s all there. I am glad that Tobias Menzies got nominated in that category as he ALWAYS fantastic and was truly amazing in The Crown… But then you have Kit on there? Come on now. I think Kit is talented, but he phoned it in for those last two seasons, straight through.

Then we skip over Florence Pugh for Little Women (AND Midsommar). I haven’t seen Little Women, but based on the buzz I’ve heard and what I know of Florence’s talents… that pisses me off. Like, I figured that Midsommar wouldn’t get anything because it’s a “horror” movie, but–to give Florence NOTHING over it? Please.

The Best Drama nominees kind of… are indicative of how boring this race is gonna be if that’s what we get for the Oscars, lol. I haven’t heard much about ANY of them aside from Marriage Story, which… we know how I feel about that. I’m looking forward to The Two Popes, but I don’t expect it to be, like, visionary drama lol. There’s just not a lot of creativity to these noms. Musical/Comedy has better nominees–I loved Rocketman, and Knives Out was FANTASTIC. Honestly? I’m gonna dark horse that one for Best Picture at this point. But I feel like everyone is trying to carve out a Once Upon A Time in Hollywood Oscar roll right now.

LOVE that Ana de Armas got a nomination for Best Actress. She was amazing in Knives Out, and I hope that she has a huge career ahead of her because the girl is stunning and she has the range. Not too interested in the other noms for women in the movies; for men, I’m happy to see that Taron and Daniel got nominated for Rocketman and Knives Out, I REALLY wanna see Antonio in Pain and Glory based off how much I loved his other collaborations with Almodovar, and I feel like Brad Pitt is trying so hard to get an Oscar this year lol. I….. dislike Brad.

Into the Unknown being pushed as Best Song over Show Yourself is a scandal.

Apple absolutely bought every single one of its Morning Show noms. That show is not good. Jennifer Aniston has moments where she’s good, but Reese Witherspoon–and I say this as someone who LOVED Reese in BLL–is not good. The show does not have quality, the critics and the public did not like it………….. Those are bought noms. SUCCESSION HIVE UNITE.

So glad that Fleabag got its noms, and the Andrew Scott nom was SO necessary. I feel like Best Actress in a Drama/TV is going to go between Jodie and Olivia, as Nicole already won a lot of things for BLL.

But uh… yeah. Overall, these are some fucked up noms?

#Anonymous

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thefilmsnob · 5 years

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Blinded by the Light: ***1/2 out of 5

Blinded by the Light tells the story of a British teen of South Asian descent whose passion for the songs of Bruce Springsteen inspires him to pursue his own—wait a minute…didn’t we already see this movie, called Yesterday, a few months back? And hasn’t there been a slew of these jukebox musicals within the last year, involving the music of icons like The Beatles, Queen, Elton John and ABBA?

Correct. Hollywood had its vampire craze then moved on to superheroes and now it’s capitalizing on the sweet tunes of the ‘70s and ‘80s (presumably to counter the sour tunes of the present). Whether this trend will fizzle out like the former or continue burning bright like the latter remains uncertain, but the film du jour certainly makes a case for the latter.

Obviously, it has striking similarities to Yesterday, but unlike that fantasy involving a musician who awakens following a crash to discover The Beatles don’t exist, Blinded by the Light is inspired by a real person’s incredible story. As a youth, Sarfraz Manzoor discovered the power of Springsteen’s beloved blue-collar folk tunes. Today, he’s a journalist, documentary maker and broadcaster; he even co-wrote this film with director Gurinder Chadha and writer Paul Mayeda, a project based on the memoir Greetings from Bury Park: Race, Religion and Rock N’ Roll written by, of course, Manzoor. That Springsteen fellow can certainly make an impression.

And our protagonist, going by the name of Javed Khan and played by the charismatic Viveik Kalra in his feature debut, really could use some inspiration. A British-Pakistani student, Javed lives in the rough and gritty Luton, England just north of London in 1987 when Springsteen had already passed his prime. Yet, Javed couldn’t care less because the music becomes an antidote to his dreary life spent in a cramped apartment with four other family members in a bleak town composed of mostly white people, many of whom are ardent racists.

The main source of his frustration, though, is his authoritarian father, Malik (Kulvinder Ghir), the stereotypical ‘man of the house’ who belittles Javed’s love of writing poetry and listening to rock music, believing his son’s main priority should be providing for himself and family. But, when Roops (Aaron Phagura), the only other South Asian student at school, introduces Javed to Springsteen, the boy experiences a newfound sense of liberty.

It’s so easy to share in the pure joy Javed feels while listening. We do so partly because we’ve been waiting to hear the music for at least a half hour but mostly because—well—the music is just so damn great. No one will accuse this film of being terribly original, but there are some neat flourishes that jazz things up, like when we hear The Boss’s music while the lyrics literally pop up on screen as if they’re thought bubbles produced by Javed’s sheer excitement. It’s this excitement, coupled with the encouragement from his teacher, Ms. Clay (Hayley Atwell), and a few others that leads him to recover his poems that he had thrown away as well as the motivation to continue pursuing his craft.

Of course, this enrages his father who, to add fuel to the fire, just lost his job. The uneasy dynamic between father and son forms the dramatic and emotional foundation of the film, and though it sometimes results in melodrama, it still works. For a while, Malik comes across as a one-dimensional stereotype, huffing and puffing about rules and priorities. But, the writers build this character into something more than a mere plot device, so we actually empathize with a man who can be such a curmudgeon at times. It would’ve been nice if the females around Javed were developed a bit more, namely his crush Eliza (Nell Williams), his mother Noor (Meera Ganatra) and his two sisters Shazia and Yasmeen (Nikita Mehta, Tara Divina).

Despite all the roadblocks, Javed continues singing and dancing all over with Eliza and Roops often tagging along. Now, make no mistake: this film is unabashedly corny and over-the-top, illustrated best in a sequence in which Javed sneaks into the high school radio station to play ‘Born to Run’ for the entire student body while the trio runs through the streets of Luton, stopping only to sing and dance with the locals. Some viewers will roll their eyes, but I suspect more will love it; if ‘Born to Run’ doesn’t excite you, I really don’t know what will. Yeah, it’s all cheesy as hell, but damn is it fun. Although, I could’ve done with fewer instances of characters incorporating Springsteen lyrics into actual conversations. It’s a bit much.

Nonetheless, the movie’s earnestness can be surprisingly infectious. That’s due in no small part to Kalra’s charming performance. He wins us over with those wide eyes and even wider smile, coupled with an almost limitless enthusiasm. It’s a joy to go on this coming-of-age journey with such a likable young man. At times, some bad people threaten to ruin the party in ways that feel pretty dark for a film like this, as in a neo Nazi rally near the end that isn’t so easy to digest. But, the optimistic spirit of this film usually wins the day, even if it comes in the form of easy answers and wish fulfillment.

Let’s be honest, our world is crumbling around us as we speak and it can be easy to despair, yet Blinded by the Light is sure to put a smile on the faces of even the most unwavering cynics.

#blinded by the light #movie review #bruce springsteen #jukebox musical

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maserati-yokota · 4 years

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AJW We Are Running Thru Korakuen Hall 5/26/91 Commercial Tape

This one has links! So you know I'm not making this shit up!

Suzuka Minami & Takako Inoue & Cynthia Moreno vs. Bison Kimura & Mika Takahashi & Miori Kamiya part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb9L6-ybHoc part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7Ok-L8g3Jc Kamiya gets to work tossing Suzuka around before getting piledriven into pudding. Moreno tags in and man it's a shame she was perpetually disrespected by this company. Moreno was a treasure, you rubes. Bison is in full beast mode and she doesn't even have the leopard-print yet! Takako is young and gets stretched a lot. Whatever happened to Kamiya you say? She's Cooga, ya dingus; the dullest part of any late-90s card. Takahashi gets tagged in, puts Takako in an upside down double-underhook STFU WITH A BRIDGE and goes back to her corner so Bison can dropkick some more. The 70s Miles Davis solo of tag-ins. Incredible. Suzuka does a gorgeous vertical suplex to signal to all of us watching that though this is a heatless spotfest, the spots are in season. So dig in. Suzuka's dropkicks are so snappy it's a wonder she didn't get CTE from them. Kamiya must've just been spent by the Cooga era because she busts out tons of fun stuff here. Youth is young on the wasted. Bison, sensing the lack of Classic Tag Match Heat, throws Moreno into the bleachers. Good on her. Takako wants revenge but eats a Bison Chop. This is an interesting era for a spotfest--ie the pre-CTE era--despite it still being built off of the video-gamey idea of "strong attacks wear down more HP". Everybody busts out the weirdest shit they can come up with in the hope something--anything--will do it. But I shouldn't complain much. This is heavy on action, light on pointless near-falls, the screwups are minor, and there are some really fun and odd spots I haven't seen before. And Kaoru Ito is there to moisturize the losers!

Toshiyo Yamada vs. Yumiko Hotta part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfHqj7TdoTY part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtYiI8pb5hQ Q: And kicks?

A: And kicks.

Yamada is as spry and bland as ever and Hotta is still pretending she isn't a violence pervert. But the crowd knows The Truth so Hotta gets 1000000 streamers. Yamada, mad at her comparative lack of streamers, comes out swinging, only to get swung. Hotta brings the UWF realism but Yamada is convinced the puroresu will WIN. One thing they can both agree on is KICKS. The first notable one busts Yamada's nose and we are off to the races--which is to say, we are witnessing the suffering of women who work for men and therefore are never encouraged to have healthily competitive relationships with their peers. Healthy competition comes from camaraderie and a sense of community. Bull Nakano spoke in interviews about how brutalized and casually despised she was by the other wrestlers when she started. The Crush Gals fucking hate each other irl. Aja Kong was made into a monster heel literally because she was biracial. These things and this match dynamic (hardway blood in basically a TV taping) are all symptoms of the same disorder: misogyny and the market sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Yeah, there's a ton of great work and powerful drama in this era, but how much of it was the inadvertent by-product of an unhealthy working environment? We'll never really know, since there was practically no other game in town--and what game there was (LLPW and JWP) was so consumed by the battle for market dominance, they could only mimic this model. AJW begat Rossy Ogawa which begat Arsion’s weirdly disjointed breed of misogyny which begat Stardom. “Send the girls out there and make them murder each other for the love of the fans! And fuck it! They're somehow also responsible for shilling all their merch, too, just to survive! And they’re little a nude sometimes! As a treat!” This match is pretty fun, don't get me wrong. But it's sometimes hard to distinguish a legitimately competitive match from all of what I just described. Did Hotta bust Yamada's nose cuz she was pissed about jobbing and there was no other outlet in the context of the company to properly express that frustration? Was that frustration even really directed at Yamada? Or was this more of a "Yoshiko shoot"-type situation, in which a wrestler makes a public display of frustration? Hotta turns the shoot into a work for good measure by attacking Yamada post-match. 1991 was 4000 years ago.

Aja Kong vs. Manami Toyota part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI746sByB-g part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnKy0Kp5_MU part 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gdv67lFa5M Two of the most compelling figures this era produced--both of whom took the weird and bigoted roles they were given and turned them into powerful characters that transcended that small-mindedness. Aja set out to be a fan favorite despite the booking and it fucking worked. Manami didn't want to just be a pretty baby-face; she wanted depth and conflict. She also trained Tsukasa Fujimoto and Tsukushi, who carry on her legacy of being weirdos with pin-straight hair who love punishment. Aja still sells at this point and Manami is such a string-bean it looks like her boots are weighing her down. Apart from that contextual novelty, this is pretty classic Kong/Toyota. Toyota gets tied in more knots than those catalogued in Moby Dick; eats every kick ever and even takes a headbutt to the lower back. But contrary to their later body of work, Toyota's hope spots don't pop the crowd as much since they're not yet sure she's capbable of fighting from underneath. They like it when she fires up, but they don't yet believe in it. In defense of Aja and Toyota, their work is just as compelling as in 93, 94 or 95, the bookers just didn't believe it yet. It would take the hair vs hair match and Aja's teary performance at the end of Big Egg to convince them of what everyone else on earth already knew. It's as thankless to be out-of-step with the times as it is to be ahead of the times. If you haven't seen this and you're familiar with their higher profile matches, you should. It's more than just a curiosity or a template for later and "greater" things; it's a sign they already knew who they were and how prepared they were to transcend management's expectations. Wild finish and a moving post-match moment, too.

Akira Hokuto & Sakie Hasegawa vs. Bull Nakano & Bat Yoshinaga (2/3 Falls Match) part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En6sdmXeMAY part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ2crxtgZhY Hokuto's legacy is equally massive but differently complex. Hokuto was never really given an explicit role other than asshole. An early injury earned her a reputation with fans as a wrestler who refused to lie down--despite the fact that breaking her neck and refusing to abandon the match was probably due more to how toxic the work environment was in AJW. Can't blame her, or really anybody under these circumstances. Christ, they all started training when they were barely teenagers; what other reality did they know? But because she was picked by the fans long before management knew what to do with her, she had a far different arc. In the ring, she worked from underneath, but as an asshole. Imagine if Muta was somehow Cactus Jack: a being who existed outside the bounds of normal human morality but also took such a colossal beating it made you feel bad for them. Only a tremendously charismatic, well-drawn performance could carry that off. Hokuto is so hard-headed in every sense it's impossible not to root for her; she refuses to know her own limits and, subsequently, refuses to acknowledge the limits of any of her opponents. Anyhow, AJW was hoping Bat Yoshinaga would be Lil Bull, even though that never panned out. Sakie is comically timid in the pre-match promo and Hokuto seems doubtful but down to clown as usual. Bull comes out in a feathery gown only to reveal a tattered tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt to let everyone know she a) likes to party and b) is ready for a call from Vince whenevs. Hokuto is fully on her Maeda shit: aloof yet nervy. She's still in her Marine Wolves colors, too. A woman without a country. Sakie looks literally terrified about what she knows is coming. Ten seconds after the bell, Bull clotheslines them both and powerbombs Sakie for the first fall. THAT'S how Bull do. Hokuto is having none of it and top-rope dropkicks Bat's clavicle into a billion pieces for the second fall. THAT'S how Hokuto do. Now it's Bull vs Hokuto, what the crowd was thirsty for. Hokuto gets thrown over the ropes onto the bare floor but rallies and comes back with a suplex and the same dropkick she gave Bat--proving her contempt for Bull. Double underhook driver for good measure, but Bull gonna Bull. Sakie gets a huge pop on the hot tag despite being the obvious Kikuchi in this setting. Bat kicks and stretches Sakie back into her place. In some ways its hard to tell if Sakie's time in AJW is compelling because she is obviously better than how she was booked or compelling on its own merits--and due to her repeated injuries and transition to trainer we'll never know. But either way, Sakie whips. Hokuto helps her get some good licks in on Bull to drive home that despite her crankiness she believes in this young upstart after all. Sakie capitalizes on this heat by delivering a gorgeous flying headbutt to Bat, following by a pair of god-tier heel-kicks. The crowd is SHRIEKING. Bull senses Bat is gonna whiff it, so bum-rushes Sakie to get Hokuto to tag in. Hokuto is rewarded with a German suplex to the base of her skull and a double-team. A few dozen harrowing exchanges later, Hokuto is back on top and Sakie is ready to die for her. Unfortunately, the moment Bull comes off the top rope with a legdrop, we all know the credits gonna roll. Bull leads the crowd in chanting "Bat-o, Bat-o, Bat-o" and it's a shame that never got legs. Bull feels bad about how things ended, so gives them another chance at a fall. Sakie and Bat slap each other instead of kissing.

Weird but fun card full of all your faves before their prime. Have at it!

Wait . Hang on. Plum Mariko vs Chigusa Nagayo (JWP, 2/11/94) is tacked onto this tape! Fuck YES. Lorefice: the beef been squashed. THANK YOU. (jk jk you're still a bigot)

Watch it here, with glorious pre-match training footage cut from the commercial tape: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQLWwEHP4FQ Plum comes out HOT and bloodies Chigusa early. Never seen Plum this vampiric and fired tf up. Chigusa is having none of it and Hulks out because she's deeply cynical about joshi audiences at this point in her career. She also doesn't mind getting blood in her eyes because, of course, she is still Chigusa Nagayo~! (*DVDVR shout-out interrobang) I've talked a ton already about how much Plum rules and how wistful I get seeing any of her matches. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable saying "the business killed her" so instead I'll say "the business let her die." (The business has let many die but few so blatantly.) Chigusa has yet to enter her dom stage so instead inhabits a kind of quasi-Dynamite Kansai persona appropriate to JWP. She kicks less often but smushes necks just the same. She also is 1000x better on the mat. The announcer mentions, in English (?!) this is a full house at Koruken Hall. Chigusa hits pause to talk shit and Plum is OUTRAGED. Chigusa is also rocking a tan that says "yeah, I took some time off to chill tf out, what of it?" Plum thinks she can restart the match with a respectable test of strength (this is Chigusa, she of fightingo-spiritu, after all) only to get immediately clowned by The New Chigusa. The Post-Crush Gal. Plum says "oh fuck that" and throws on the Stretch Plum and DDTs Chigusa thru the earth's mantle. Chigusa is takes a breather outside then demands Plum give her enough room to get back in the ring, thus going full southern heel. Plum caaaan't quiiiite sink in the Stretch so does a quick German for good measure. Chigusa fights from beneath but gets shut down QUICK. Weird that this legitimately feels like anyone's game, given Chigusa's legendary status. Chigusa sets the record straight by soccer kicking Plum's head into the Mir space station (topical). The crowd now hates her. Plum squishes her back to the mat where she feels safe and torques Chigusa's legs until she looks like Brian Yuzna's seminal critique of capitalism, Society. Despite the contortions, Chigusa chinlocks her way to a victory we all kinda knew was coming.

#joshi #joshi puroresu #all japan womens #ajw #1991 #jwp #toshio yamada #aja kong #manami toyota #akira hokuto #plum mariko #chigusa nagayo #vhs #wrestling tapes #sakie hasegawa

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