#by s5 he was not far from reaching that point

[myoonmii]

He watches him like a ghost

[confused-pyramid]

You're the Only One Who Knows to Slow it Down | s5

pairing: aaron hotchner x childhood bsf!reader

summary: Hotch and his childhood best friend working together at the BAU: a slow burn across the seasons.

word count: 16.2k

warnings: canon!typical violence, mentions of abuse, major character death, gun violence, drinking, specific episodes mentioned in this part are 5x01, 5x02, 5x06, 5x09, 5x10, and 5x21

a/n: This season was really hard to write at points (I think we all know which eps I'm talking about lol) but I'm looking forward to brighter days ahead:') Also we get some more tangible tension so yay! Title is from Look After You by The Fray

series masterlist

"We're not working a case," Derek states matter-of-factly when you arrive at the crime scene. You were woken up early the next morning after getting back from Canada, and on less than four hours of sleep, your brain is struggling to function.

"Why call us to a crime scene?" you ask, walking up to the front door of the house with the rest of the team.

He shrugs. "I was hoping you knew."

You look around, trying to find Aaron, but he's nowhere in sight. He had promised to put in the team request for a few days of leave, but you presume the call came in before he got a chance to do so.

The local police let you survey the scene, explaining that a Dr. Barton got a threatening letter that someone would be murdered everyday that he didn't give up his own son. Once you're done inspecting the body, you turn to JJ, lowering your voice. "Where's Hotch?"

"He's not answering his cell," she says, her lips thinning. "I assume it's on vibrate."

You nod. "I'll try him again."

You step away from the group and click his number in your speed dial, listening to the rings until it reaches his voicemail. It's unlike him to keep his phone on silent, but you know the previous night was tough on everyone. "Hey, it's me." You tell him the address you're heading to for the case, before turning towards the car and lowering your voice. "I know you're probably just asleep, but I don't know...I have that weird feeling again that you know I get...so please just call me back." You take a deep breath, hoping you're being overdramatic, and that you'll see him pull up in a few minutes. "See you soon."

When you get to Dr. Barton's house, he still hasn't called you back. You sit with the doctor, Prentiss, and Reid in his living room, going through his recent patient files, while Morgan, JJ, and Rossi head to the school to find his son.

"Something set this guy off," Emily explains as you start poring over the records. "Odds are it's in your files."

You manage to get through about a dozen before Dr. Barton stands up with a sigh. "My son is leaving school in five hours. There's no way we can get through all of these patients in time."

You check your phone again, mostly to see the time, but you also note that there aren't any new calls or messages. "He's right. We need more eyes on this. I can get Hotch and be back in a half hour."

"Keep us updated," Emily says, nodding at you. Concern flashes across her eyes for a millisecond, and you're sure it reflects the look in yours.

The drive to his apartment doesn't take long, and you stalk down the hall, all the way to the end, until you find his door. There's no answer the first time you knock, so you reach for the spare key he gave you, but before you can use it, you realize the door is already unlocked.

Your heart drops into your stomach and you pull your gun out, using it to push open the door carefully. "Aaron? Aaron, it's me."

When the door is ajar, the sight before you almost makes you drop your gun. There's a large bullet hole in the far wall, along with a patch of drying blood and bits of broken glass on the floor. His phone is on the ground as well, and his gun and holster are lying on his dining table.

You crouch down on your heels, trying to calm your breathing, as you take in your surroundings. You need to think logically about this, or you'll be no help at all.

A few things come to you as your mind clears.

His car is still outside.

No blood splatter around the bullet hole.

No drag marks.

You dig your hand around your back pocket and pull out your phone, dialing Garcia as fast as you can. "Overtime shift, Penelope speaking."

Her chipper voice usually calms you down, but right now you need to cut to the chase. "Garcia, it's me. Something's happened to Hotch. You need to get an APB out on him."

Her breath stutters. "What do you mean, something?"

"There's blood on the floor," you whisper, willing your voice not to crack as your throat thickens with tears. "There's also a bullet hole in the wall, probably a .44."

"I'll send the whole team," she says before you cut her off.

"No, don't call the team. They need to finish the case we were assigned. Just tell Emily, since she's expecting me back, but send every other agent in the vicinity."

"On it."

The line clicks off and you release your breath, before standing up again. While you wait for the crime scene techs, you poke around his things in the main area, trying to see if anything has been taken or moved. The only thing you notice before they arrive is that a page has been ripped from his address book.

"Agent L/N?" a voice calls from the doorway.

You lift your hand. "Yeah, in here."

They come inside and get to work immediately, so you step out, just in time for Garcia to call you back. "Y/N, I checked local hospitals for his name, and I didn't find anything at first, but then one of them told me something really strange."

"Garcia," you whisper through gritted teeth. You love her, but she needs to hurry up before you explode. "What was it?"

"Someone dropped off a John Doe at St. Sebastian hospital, and that someone's name was FBI Agent Derek Morgan."

Your vision turns black for a moment. He's back. Foyet's back.

You're rushing to your car before she has a chance to hang up.

***

He's still under anesthesia when you arrive at the hospital. He was stabbed nine times. That's what the nurse told you when you flashed your credentials and asked for any information she could give you.

Now, you're standing in his doorway, trying to build up the nerve to approach his sleeping form. Even with all of the bandages covering his arms and abdomen, he somehow looks peaceful. It's been so long since you've seen his brow unfurrowed, his forehead smooth, without the tension that invades his daily life.

After a few minutes, you take a step inside, then another, and suddenly you're right beside him, reaching out to clutch his hand over the bedsheet.

His skin is cold, and you wrap both hands around his to warm it up, if even by just a little. He's usually a furnace, generating his own heat even when it's freezing out, but whenever he gets hurt, his hands turn to ice.

After a minute, your phone buzzes in your pocket and you let him go to answer it. It's just Emily telling you that she's at the hospital with the rest of the team, and you walk out into the hall to talk to them.

Rossi is the first to reach you. He squeezes you into a hug before getting back to business. "You sure it was Foyet?"

"He had Morgan's credentials," you nod, rubbing a hand over the back of your neck. Derek glances at you then, and you press your lips together with a nod.

"Did they catch him on the security cam?"

"You could see him dropping Hotch off," you explain, trying to keep your voice steady, "but the camera's only on the entrance, so I have no idea what direction he went once he left the hospital."

Emily shakes her head. "It doesn't make sense for him to have brought Hotch to the E.R."

The nurse from earlier approaches you then, pulling your attention. "Agents, he's waking up."

You shuffle inside and take his hand again as everyone walks in.

His voice is soft when he opens his eyes. "Where am I?"

"In the hospital," Emily whispers, taking care to be mindful of her volume.

He shuts his eyes for a beat. "How did I get here?"

"Foyet drove you." Rossi doesn't frown often, but the lines of his face are clearer than ever. "Can you remember what happened?"

Hotch shakes his head, closing his eyes. "What did he take? The Reaper always takes something from his victims."

"There was an address page missing from your day planner," you whisper, finally finding your voice. "In the B's."

His eyes snap open and he tries to lift his head from the pillow, but he can only wince. "Where are my clothes?"

Emily hands him a plastic bag filled with his belongings, and he ruffles through them, until he finds his wallet. When he opens it, a photograph is stuffed inside, covered in blood spatter. Haley and Jack.

Your breath catches, and he seems to realize what it means at the same moment you do. "Haley's maiden name is Brooks. I always listed her in the B's in my personal information in case it fell into the wrong hands."

You squeeze his hand involuntarily, and he exhales sharply. "He knows where they live."

***

When the rest of the team rushes off to his old house, you stay with him at the hospital. You get a call soon from JJ that Haley and Jack are just fine, and you are finally able to breathe easy for the first time all day.

"They're okay," you tell him when you hang up the phone. "That was JJ. She said Haley was home and Jack's at a playdate, but Morgan is going to pick him up right now."

He nods slowly, his body relaxing into the bed. "Good. That's good."

"It is," you say, eyeing his movements. It's still enormously difficult to look at him like this, but you won't be able to move forward if you don't know the truth. "Aaron, what happened? What did he do?"

"I don't remember all of it," he says slowly, clearly taking his time with each word. There's no rush, and he knows it. Even if it takes him hours to get it all out, you'll still be here. "I remember him being there when I got home, after I dropped you off. He fired off a shot into the wall, and then I tried to tackle him, but..."

He trails off, and you squeeze his hand tighter, as though trying to tether him to the present moment. After a few shallow breaths, he continues. "I tried to tackle him, and I got him on the ground, but then he overpowered me." You can almost see it in your mind. The picture he's painting as he weaves over the details with startling clarity. "The first one hurt the most."

The first stab. Your eyes close for a beat, like you're trying to hide from his words. The first of nine.

"I don't remember much after that." You can tell he's leaving things out, but you also don't know if you'll be able to handle it if he does tell you everything.

"That's okay," you whisper as his eyes droop down. "You should rest."

He nods slowly as the exhaustion takes over and his grip loosens around your hand as he falls asleep.

You wait by his side for about a half hour, until you spot a familiar face (with a new haircut) dawdling in the hallway.

You stand up in a fervor. "Oh, thank god."

You rush over to Haley and pull her into a hug, which she returns just as forcefully. "JJ called us when she found you, but it's still really good to see your face."

"It's good to see you too," she says with an exhale before letting you go. You look down and see Jack standing next to her, his mouth downturned as his fingers twiddle at his sides. "Do you mind staying with him while I go talk to Aaron?"

You turn around and see that he's blinking his eyes open again. "Not at all." You take Jack's hand with a smile and lead him down the hall.

"I'm sorry if the big men scared you," you tell him once you find a few seats in the waiting area. "I know it was all very sudden."

To your surprise, his face breaks out into a big grin. "Uncle Derek let me turn on the siren!"

"Wow!" you smile, feeling warm laughter echo around your chest. "That sounds super fun."

He nods ecstatically, before leaning his head over to look back up the hall. "Can I see Daddy now?"

Your smile falls as fast as it appeared and you take his hand again, pressing his fingers between yours. "Soon, baby, soon."

***

He wakes up to the sound of faint talking. He can vaguely see you hugging someone, and he blinks a few times to clear his vision as you disappear down the hall.

"How do you feel?" Haley asks as she walks into his hospital room. She doesn't come further than the foot of the bed, but he's just glad to see her here, in one piece.

He clears his throat quietly. "I'm gonna be okay." She doesn't look convinced, but he doesn't want to focus on him right now. "Did they explain to you what's happening?"

She nods slowly, looking at him for another moment. "They said the Marshal's service is taking us straight from here and putting us into protective custody."

She looks upset, and it takes him back to the lowest moments of their relationship. "Haley, I'm sorry."

She looks down and the familiar urge to comfort her returns, even while lying in a hospital bed. "Do you know where they're gonna take us?"

"No, I don't." He tries to catch her eye but she won't look at him. "And that's the point. I can't know where you're going. If you have any contact with anyone, then he could track you."

She finally looks at him then, and her sadness is tinged with exasperation. "Jack has school. He has friends. I have a job now."

He doesn't know what else to say but: "I know. I'm sorry." He hopes he's conveying what he means, but it doesn't feel like enough. "We will catch him, and you'll come back, and I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you."

She nods minutely, and he takes the small comfort. "Are you sure that we're in danger?"

"Yes." There's little else he's been more sure of.

"And what about you?" she asks, her voice small. "Are you gonna be safe?"

He doesn't want to worry her, but he also doesn't want to lie. "He wants to see me suffer. Knowing that my son is out there and that I can't see him is better than killing me."

Her brow pinches and she pushes her short hair back from her forehead. "Jack wants to come in."

He tries to argue at first, not because he doesn't want to see him, but because it will only make it harder to let him go again, but eventually she convinces him to accede.

She leaves to go get him, and he leans back on the pillows, trying not to let himself sink inside.

~

Haley finds you in the waiting area, with Jack sitting on your lap, in the middle of a game of I Spy.

"Is he ready for him?" you whisper when you see her approach. She nods and you lift Jack off your lap and set him on his feet. "Off you go, buddy. Time to see Daddy."

"Yay!" he cheers before racing down the hall, you and Haley right behind him. She steers him into the correct room, and he jumps onto the bed before either of you can stop him.

There's a quiet chorus of 'be careful's before he grunts, "Don't worry. It's okay. The doctors made sure that I'm completely fine." He turns to the small boy with a smile you haven't seen in days. "Did Mommy tell you that you two are gonna take a trip?"

Jack nods once, moving his chin up and down dramatically. "Yeah."

"So I'm not gonna see you for a while."

Jack frowns. "Why?" The word sounds so small out of his mouth, and your heart cracks in your chest.

"Well, think about it like when Daddy goes away for work. Only this time you and Mommy get to go someplace."

Jack ponders this for a few seconds, before crawling up again and wrapping his arms around his dad's neck. "Are you okay?"

"I'm very proud of you." It's a father's answer. The kind of response that doesn't tell the truth, but hides the pain with love. "Every single day. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay."

Haley says another goodbye and grabs Jack's hand before leading him out of the room. She gives you another hug, squeezing extra tight for the last second. "It's not his fault."

"Of course it isn't," you whisper, letting her pull back.

"No," she whispers, closing her eyes. "I mean, don't let him blame himself for this."

He's one of the most stoic people you know, but he can also be so transparent sometimes. "I won't. I'll be here."

"He needs you," she says with a sad smile. "He's always needed you, but he especially needs you now."

She doesn't let you respond before she's tugging Jack down the hall. You watch as she exits the side door of the wing, and only turn back when you can't see her anymore. She's one of your longest friends, and you won't be able to see her or her son for god knows how long.

When you step back into the room, you stand at the foot of his bed, trying to gauge what he needs from you, but then you see his expression. Tears prick the corners of his eyes and his mouth twists as you rush forward and grab his hand, squeezing it between yours with the grip of someone holding onto a life preserver.

"They'll be okay," you whisper, trying to keep your own tears back. "We'll get through this."

He nods, his eyes still shining. You move to sit in the chair beside him, but he tugs you back, pulling you closer. You understand the desperate look in his eyes, the need for connection and comfort from someone you care about that you've seen in yourself on so many occasions.

Slipping your shoes off, you tuck the sheet into his side and carefully climb onto the little hospital bed, taking care to avoid any of the wires and tubes. Once you're sure you're not pulling on anything, you curl up beside him and wrap yourself around his arm. His skin is warmer than it was earlier, and you take solace in the fact that he's going to be okay. Maybe not now, but he will be.

Your breaths synchronize with his and you listen to the beeping of the heart monitor as your own heart rate calms down. There's a feeling tugging at your spine, filling you up and threatening to spill over, but you shove it down, knowing it will be too much right now. You don't have the words to describe the emotions circulating through your brain, so you stick with what you know. "I love you." It's quiet, barely a whisper, but you know he can hear you. "Thank you for staying alive."

"You're welcome," he whispers back, his voice barely audible over the monitor. "I love you too."

***

You leave the hospital the next morning with a plan. He's still asleep when you wake up, so you get up carefully and thank the nurses one more time before heading out.

You make two stops on the way to his apartment, and this time, you use your spare key to unlock the front door. The crime scene crew cleaned the blood off the floor, and you told Rossi to get them to spackle the hole in the wall, for at least a temporary fix, but there's still an air about the place. It was just starting to feel like his home, and now it's soiled, once again.

You shut the door behind you and drop your bags to the ground, surveying the place one last time for any damage or mess you missed earlier. When everything seems fine, you get to work.

An hour later, you slump back against the wall and toss the packet of instructions to the ground. In front of you is a freshly installed security system, with a door proximity sensor and keypad for when he leaves the house in a hurry.

You can already hear the arguments coming, but you don't care anymore. You won't be able to sleep knowing he's in here, all alone, without anything to keep Foyet from coming back and finishing the job.

For someone who has as little of a technical background as you do, you're impressed with how quickly you were able to get the system running, and you test it a couple of times, turning it on and off and checking the doors, before you finally pull his door closed and lock it behind you.

***

The doctors don't release him until the end of the week, but once he's able to walk again, he calls you to get him from the hospital. By the time he signs his discharge papers and makes the phone call, you're already almost there, and as much as he hates putting you out on a weekend, he can't help the satisfaction that rumbles through him.

The drive to his apartment is mostly silent, with him just trying to stay still as you take the turns carefully, and drive five under the speed limit. When you arrive, you hold the bag of salves and ointments for him as you take his arm, helping him down the hall and to his front door.

He moves to grab his key, but you stop him with a forceful "Wait!"

"I can unlock my own door," he grumbles, but you just shake your head, taking the key from him and turning it slowly in the lock. The moment it swings open, a loud beeping fills the air, and you rush forward to type something into the keypad by his door. Wait...keypad? "When did tha-"

"Before you argue," you jump in, clearly anticipating his disgruntlement, "it's for me, okay."

He raises an eyebrow and you glare at him, but there's no effort behind it. "I mean, it's obviously for you, but still...it's for my peace of mind too."

You're rambling makes him crack a smile for the first time in days, and he nods slowly. "Okay."

Your mouth snaps shut and you look at him with a meek smile. "Okay."

You help him get settled on the couch, and he waits there as you scrounge up some food from the kitchen. He's not sure he has anything perishable, but you manage to put together a comforting bowl of pasta with jarred tomato sauce that makes him feel a little more at home.

As the evening turns to night, he catches himself glancing at his watch more often than not, and eventually you catch on too.

"Is it time?" you ask, your voice gentle.

After a breath, he nods, and you reach across the coffee table to grab his bag of supplies from the doctor. You lay the salve and extra gauze on the table, and wait for him to make the next move, a decision he accepts gratefully.

He's been injured before. He knows how painful it is to sanitize a wound, and especially one as deep and grotesque as his. He just needs a few moments to accept the fact that he's...scared.

"I can do it," he says once he's ready, before reaching for the salve. The simple motion makes him wince and you jump in right away, grabbing it for him and undoing the top.

"Let me," you whisper, your words somewhere between a statement and a question. "Please."

He can already feel his stitches pulling, just from the simple act of swiveling his body to face you, so he gives in with a quick nod.

He doesn't look at you as he undoes the buttons of his shirt. He's not embarrassed - you've never pitied him, even at his lowest moments - but he needs the semblance of privacy as he exposes his injuries to the open air.

The air feels cold as he pulls his undershirt over his head, and you get to work immediately, peeling back the old layer of gauze as slowly as you can. The sections directly over his wounds stick slightly, and he grits his teeth against the pain as you gently tug them free, making sure to avoid pulling his stitches.

"Do you want a break?" you ask once the gauze has been fully removed. He shakes his head, needing this to be over as soon as possible, but when he meets your eyes, he sees them welling up with tears.

He glances down at his bare torso, his eyes darting over the jagged scars ranging from his stomach to his collarbone. Your breath stutters as you take it in with him, and he looks at you. "He made sure we'd match."

He sees you rapidly blinking away the tears that rush forward, and he wants to comfort you somehow, but he doesn't know what to do. You help him lean back on the armrest, so you can apply the salve around each of his injuries, and as your fingers press into his skin, he can't help but be reminded of his childhood. The pressure of your hands as you wrapped him with bandages, the warmth of your breath when you leaned in to inspect your work.

It's usually a sad memory when he thinks back to his childhood, but with you, it was always good. He watches as you slowly tape the new layer of gauze around his abdomen, and even as tears slide down your cheeks, the way you look at him doesn't change.

"All done," you whisper after pressing on the final pieces of tape. "How do you feel?"

Anxious. Terrified. Lonely. Guilty. "Good. Thank you."

***

"Hey, it's Emily."

"What's up, Em?" you say, your phone pressed between your ear and shoulder as you hop around, trying to get your shoes on before work.

"How was your weekend?"

You pause. "Fine?" The question isn't out of the ordinary, you're just not sure why she called to ask you that when she's going to be seeing you in person in about twenty minutes. "How was yours?"

"Oh, you know." She sounds distracted, and you feel a smile pull at your lips as you realize she's avoiding something.

"Em...is there a reason you called? You know, given that we're both on our way to the same place."

She clears her throat, and you hear the indecision in her voice, even over the phone. "I know this is kind of a weird question, but would you mind if I picked up Hotch for work this morning. I left late last night, so JJ was able to brief me early, and I figured he could use a headstart."

You stop your movements, straightening up and lifting your hand to your cell. It's not at all what you were expecting her to say, but that's not all you're confused about. "Yeah, of course. You don't have to ask me first, though. We're all teammates."

She makes an little noise that you don't recognize. "Yeah...but you two are different."

You don't know what to say to that, so you just wait for her to keep going. Emily was never very good at uncomfortable silences, so after a few moments, she's back. "Anyway...I'll grab Hotch and see you in 30?"

You try to hide your grin, even though no one can see you. "Sounds like it."

"Bye."

The phone clicks off, and you tuck it back into your pocket, still smiling. You're already in a better mood than normal, because after 34 days of medical leave, Aaron comes back to work today.

You finish clasping your shoe and head out the door, more relaxed this time. With Emily picking up Aaron, you're not in a rush anymore. You take the drive at a leisurely pace, and when you arrive at the office, you run into Spencer by the front of the building.

"Wait up!" you call out, jogging over to him before he gets in the elevator. "Let me get that." You slide the strap of his book bag off his shoulder and sling it onto yours. He nods in thanks and tucks his crutch under his arm as he presses the button for your floor.

"I thought I'd be used to the crutches by now, but I keep tripping over everything." You scrunch your brow with amusement as he frowns down at his leg. "The doctors say it's healing well, though."

The elevator doors open and you step in front of him to get the door across the hall. "Does it hurt?"

He shrugs. "It really only hurts when I think about it, which is pretty much all the time."

The statement isn't exactly comical, but his deadpan tone makes you snort as you hold the door, and he smiles as he passes by you. You follow him to Garcia's lair, and she perks up upon seeing the both of you.

"My babies," she grins, pulling out a chair for Spencer. "Sit, sit."

You let out a laugh as you place his bag on the floor next to him. "I'm older than you."

"Who's counting?" she throws back, typing something furiously into her computer. She turns around a moment later, just in time to swat Spencer's hand away from the tin of cookies sitting on her table. "No, no, no."

"What?" he complains, gaping at her.

She swats him again, before pulling the tin away from him. "Get away, you. These are for Hotch."

"Butterscotch?" you ask, glancing down at the box. His preference for butterscotch cookies was something you used to tease him about when you were kids. Butterscotch Hotch.

Penelope nods and lifts the edge of the lid, implicitly offering you a cookie. When you take one, Spencer throws his hands up into the air. "Why does she get one? I get shot in the leg and I still don't get any cookies."

You laugh and break off half of your cookie, which he takes from you the moment it's in your palm. He stuffs the entire thing into his mouth, not bothering to swallow it before he pipes up again. "You know he's gonna hate the attention."

"It's cookies," Garcia pouts, "not cake."

Spencer shrugs. "He's probably gonna pretend like nothing happened, anyway."

"Well, it doesn't mean we have to."

You don't know how to weigh in to this discussion, mostly because you know more about how he's feeling than they do, but also because the idea of speculating on his recovery without him here feels like a betrayal.

"What do you think?"

You look up and realize that Spencer was directing this question to you. Swallowing down the last bit of your cookie, you cough once to clear your throat. "I think he's been through a lot, but sometimes coming back to work is the best way to take your mind off of things. Foyet was in his home. I don't think staring at the same walls that used to have bullet holes in them is exactly healthy either."

Spencer and Penelope both stare at you for a moment, before nodding and looking down. They remind you of two children who have just been reprimanded, and you smile to soften the sentiment. "I love you guys for caring about this, but we just have to trust that he's okay."

"Yeah," Penelope nods, reaching forward to squeeze your hand. "Are you okay? This can't have been easy for you, either."

"I'm fine," you say too quickly. "Nothing happened to me." It's not a lie, exactly. You weren't the one who was stabbed. Nine times. "I've just been keeping him company after work, and helping with some of his post-hospital care checklist."

"He's lucky to have you," Penelope says softly, to which Spencer nods.

"He was great too after I got shot," you add, feeling oddly defensive of your friendship. "He stayed with me for a long time when my dad was gone."

She smiles at you sadly, before holding the tin out for you. "Want another cookie?"

You let out a weak laugh as Spencer chuffs behind you, and you shake your head. "No thanks."

"Do you think he'll like them?" Her voice sounds earnest, and you nod, knowing what it's like to want so desperately to understand someone who's as closed off as he seems at times.

"Spence, Y/N, there you guys are."

You turn around to see JJ, her face lined with tension. "Are you ready for us?"

She nods. "Grab your go bag."

***

He's been erratic all day. When he snapped at Garcia earlier for missing the antipsychotics link, you wanted to throttle him, especially when you remembered the cookies she had waiting for him in her office.

The thought that maybe Spencer was right keeps flashing through your mind as you watch him get frustrated with everyone, including himself. When you all arrive at the Darrin Call's father's house, where he and a young boy he kidnapped are waiting, Aaron instructs Emily to speak with the lieutenant on scene to figure out what you're dealing with.

"The kid's in there," you hear him say, "We've got this. Tactical teams are covering the exits. Call needs a distraction. He's focused on the old man."

Emily glances back at the house as she ties her hair back. "For now. But we're gonna have to figure out the safest way to get that kid out."

"I've got a team in the back and one on the way. We're going to infiltrate."

"You do that and someone else dies."

The man just shrugs. "Either Call or a child murderer...flip a coin."

"It doesn't have to end like that." You can see how hard she's trying to make the lieutenant understand, but sometimes the locals just don't listen. "We get a confession out of Jarvis and he goes away, and Call gets his answers. No one else has to die."

There's movement behind you and you turn around at the last second as Aaron stalks past you and towards the house.

"Hotch," you call out, but he doesn't look back. "Aaron. Aaron!"

He's almost at the front door, and your feet start moving without you realizing it. You make it within a few feet of the front gate before two pairs of arms seize you from behind, halting your momentum.

"Let him go," Dave whispers as he and Derek release you. "We have to trust him."

"He's not thinking straight," you grit out, unable to tear your eyes away from the closed door as you step forward again. He wasn't wearing his vest, and you can't remember if you saw his gun in his holster. You close your eyes, wracking your brain. Think, goddamnit.

Derek grabs you again as you try to make a break for it, anticipating your movements before you even know what you're doing. "Rossi's right. We have to trust him. We can't help him if we rush inside now."

"We can't help him out here either!" Your voice sounds frenzied in your ears, but he doesn't loosen his grip, even as you try to shove him off of you.

"You know we're right." He looks at you sternly, and your resolve diminishes as reason starts to set in. "Going inside will only make it worse."

Emily comes up from behind you and takes your arm, leading you back to the street in front of the house. You back up, but you don't turn around, ready to rush in the moment anything changes.

"What's he doing?" she asks Derek, her voice quiet, like she doesn't want you to hear.

"Stalling," he says simply. "He's got nothing to lose."

Your breath catches and you lift your hand to your chest, clutching the top of your vest like it's a lifeline. You want to scream at them, scream that he has everything to lose. He has a son, and an ex-wife who loves him, and he has you.

"You got the shot?"

"Negative."

He suddenly appears in the front of the door, but you can tell he's angling his body to block the visual of the shot. What is he doing?

The door opens for a split second, and the little boy runs down the porch and into the arms of one of the SWAT members. It shuts as fast as it opened up, and you only manage to see his face for a moment before he disappears into the house again.

For a minute, there's only silence, until the air is pierced with the sound of three gunshots, one after the other. Your body visibly flinches and you throw yourself forward and over the gate, pulling out your gun at the last moment as you breach the front door.

When you storm into the living room, Aaron is putting cuffs on Darrin. The father is dead in his recliner at the center of the room.

"What happened?" Dave asks from behind you.

He purses his lips. "I couldn't stop him." It's then that he finally looks up at you, but all you can do is glare. You don't know if you've ever been angrier in your life, and definitely not at him.

His brow dips with a mix of confusion and remorse, but you just stuff your gun back in its holster, spin around, and stalk out of the house. The fresh air outside feels like a welcome respite from the emotions swirling around inside of you, and you turn your face to the sky as your brain fires off millions of questions at once.

When did he get so reckless?

Is this all because of Foyet? The need to feel like he's getting something done, with his family on lockdown?

He comes out of the house then, and you're practically shaking from the relief that he is okay, but the anger isn't fading. You can feel it flooding your veins with each breath you take.

He hands Call off and approaches you slowly, stopping in front of you with a look you don't recognize.

"This is the job," he says simply, his voice almost cold. "You know what you signed up for."

"I know what I signed up for?" Your face twists with disbelief and you look at him with contempt. "Fuck you, Hotch." His face drops slightly and it only feeds your fight. You know him better than anyone else in this world, and that also means you know exactly how far you can push him until he cracks.

"This is what we do." His voice is tight, and you see your anger reflected in his eyes. "You knew that when you joined the team."

Emily and Dave exit the house, and you can feel their eyes flickering over to you, but you can't bring yourself to care right now.

"No," you grit out, shaking your head. "You don't get to be angry with me. You don't get to say that to me."

He looks at you for a beat before his face falls and you see all the fight leave him. He sighs, his brow pinching. "You're right."

You can practically see the war going on inside his head. The battle between fear and action, where there are no winners.

You nod as you look down at the ground, and he reaches forward to take your hand. He squeezes it tightly, before lifting it to his chest. "Y/N." I love you, I'm sorry.

You nod. "I know." I'm sorry too.

***

You've been looking at the text JJ sent you for the better part of an hour. Something's going on. Strauss was in Hotch's office and it looked bad.

You're reminded of his suspension and the two long weeks you worked here without him, and you internally resolve that it won't be happening again if you have any say at all.

The next morning, you're one of the last people to arrive, and you walk into a conversation that Spencer is having with Emily at his desk.

"You're not gonna believe this," he says, turning to you and lifting his hands dramatically. "Some moron just posted a blog called 'What would Carl Sagan do?' and it's completely illogical."

"L/N, what did I miss?"

You spin around to see Derek strutting into the bullpen, his phone held up in his hand.

"What do you mean?" you ask with a frown.

He looks at you expectantly, and you start to feel like you're on the outside of something you should know. "All the emails from Hotch..."

You yank your phone from your pocket and refresh your email. "I don't have any new ones."

"Me neither," Reid chimes in from next to you.

Derek doesn't wait another moment before he's barreling past you and up the stairs to Aaron's office.

"What was that about?" Spencer asks, a confused look on his face.

"I don't know," you say honestly, "but I think we're gonna find out soon."

~

"You wanted to see me?"

He nods and you step into his office, shutting the door behind you. Ever since his private conversation with Derek this morning, you've been obnoxiously curious about what's been going on with the team, but you also know when not to overstep your boundaries.

"Take a seat." He beckons to the couch on the far wall, and he sits down across from you when you plop down. "We have to talk about something."

"If you say Strauss suspended you again-" He cuts you off with a lift of his hand. You look at him sheepishly and nod. "You were saying..."

"This is going to sound odd, but just hear me out." You're starting to get worried, but he doesn't look anxious, so that's a start. You nod, and he continues. "The bureau thinks that my ability to lead this team has been compromised. They've been questioning me since Foyet's attack, and they're not entirely wrong."

You want to refute this, but you've also been questioning some of his actions as of late. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that you won't have his back if it comes down to it. "They can't fire you. The whole team will fight back if they even try."

He looks at you with something that resembles concern. Concern? "They won't fire me...because I'm stepping down."

"What?" you burst out, unable to help your volume. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm resigning as unit chief at the end of the week, but I'm not leaving this team."

You think you have an idea of where this is going, but his eyes are still tracking your movements, like they do when he's worried about how you'll react. You don't know how it could get much worse than this, but then you realize he hasn't told you who will be replacing him.

"I told Morgan to take my place until we catch Foyet."

There it is. You don't expect it to sting as much as it does. "Oh."

Your voice sounds small to your own ears, and you clear your throat to keep the emotion out. This isn't a personal decision, it's professional. If Strauss was telling you this now, it probably wouldn't faze you. So why does it hurt coming from him?

"Strauss wasn't happy with your decision to not take the New York position," he explains, his eyes finding yours. "You know I think you deserve more leadership roles. It was her that suggested Morgan for it, and I couldn't argue when she was already so unsure about letting me promote internally."

"I get it," you nod. Your tone a bit sharper than expected, even though you understand where the decision came from. Derek deserves this position too. "I do, I promise."

He raises his eyebrows with a check in, and after a moment, you finally nod. It's okay. We're good.

"I'll see you in the morning?"

You dip your chin. "Good night."

***

"I can't believe Hotch is stepping down."

Penelope, Emily, Spencer, and JJ are all unabashedly watching Derek as he briefs Strauss on the case he chose for today. You've been trying not to look, but every few minutes, something snags your attention.

"Morgan said it's business as usual," Emily adds, her brow furrowed as she watches them converse.

Penelope doesn't seem eased. "So we're just supposed to move forward without any discussion?"

Spencer shrugs. "After Foyet, I think we'd have to be ready for anything."

Derek finishes speaking with Strauss then, and you stand up as he asks Emily to call Rossi for the briefing. He looks official with his ironed button-down, and you can't help but wonder if he's trying to emulate Aaron.

You flash him a cheeky smile as he walks towards the conference room, but he just brushes past you. 

~

Derek steps into his new role effectively, and you even notice him provide extra feedback to everyone throughout the case. Hotch has a bit of a difficult time stepping down at first, but you know it comes from habit, not distrust.

When you're back at the office later that night, you look up to see that he is still in his office, furiously jotting something down, even though his responsibilities have been greatly diminished. You don't know why you expected the demotion to make him want to cut back a bit.

Derek is the only person still in the bullpen when you take a seat again. You finished up the last of your paperwork, so you start to pack up your stuff, but then your interaction from earlier crosses your mind again.

Latching your bag closed, you stand up and perch on the edge of Derek's desk. "Hey, boss, how's the responsibility feel?"

"Fine," he mutters, his tone snippier than you've ever heard it.

"A lot more paperwork than you were expecting, huh?"

He doesn't look at you, so you reach forward to tap the back of his hand. "Derek, come on, what's going on with you?"

You brace for him to snap at you again, but then he just sighs, setting his pen down. "You're not angry with me, right?"

"What?" You don't know where this is coming from, seeing as how he's been the one who's been avoiding you all day. "Why would I be mad at you?"

"Why?" he repeats, his face twisted with disbelief. "I basically stole this position out from under you."

You shake your head forcefully, putting your hand over his on the desk. "Not even close, hon. Anything on my end was bureau politics, but that's just one side of it. You deserve this just as much as I would have. You've even been at the BAU longer than I have."

He's silent for a moment, before he turns his hand under yours and clasps it gently. You give his hand a squeeze before bringing your other one up to his cheek. "You're doing a great job. You were an amazing leader out there today. Hotch picked you well."

Derek leans into your hand for a beat, before letting out another sigh. "Thanks."

"Seriously, Derek," you say with a smile. "This might have been one of his best professional decisions yet."

That makes him laugh, before shaking his head. "Nah, his best decision was bringing you to this team."

Your chest fills with warmth and you lean forward to pull him into a hug. His arms are strong as they wrap around you, and you settle into the hug, turning away from the office light upstairs and trying to ignore the fact that Aaron hasn't looked up from his desk since you started talking.

***

"Agent Hotchner, before you go, there's one final thing I'd like to share with you."

Karl Arnold, the Fox, has been taunting each of you throughout the whole day, and right when you finally thought you were done, he drew you right back in. You follow Hotch and Prentiss back into the interrogation room.

"So you think you found my admirer."

"No," Aaron says simply. "We found the killer."

Arnold grins. "With my help, of course."

"Your admirer is exactly like everyone who contacts you..." Emily sneers, "lost."

Arnold turns to her, and the look in his eyes makes your skin crawl. "My love, your guy is far from lost."

Hotch shakes his head, turning to the door. "We're done."

"So is he." All three of you spin back around, much to his amusement. "'Look at what I have done.' It's quite brilliant, you know?"

"We will find whoever sent you that."

"No, Agent Hotchner, I rather think he's already found you."

Aaron immediately starts flipping through the file on the table, shoving pictures and papers aside as he searches for something. Something about Arnold's tone sends your mind reeling and you grab the journal in front of you and start flipping through it as well.

"What's going on?" Emily asks, coming up behind you.

Arnold just laughs. "He's torturing him."

"Who?"

He ignores her. "It's great to see you squirm, Agent Hotchner."

You reach one of the bookmarked pages, and the symbol that greets you almost makes you drop the journal. "Aaron..."

His eyes snap to your hands as his skin turns white. "Foyet."

The three of you rush out of the interrogation room, accompanied by the disturbing sound of Arnold's laughter echoing behind you.

Just before the door shuts behind you, you hear his final words. "He knew you'd come."

***

The whole team spends days with only one goal in mind: find and capture Foyet. JJ works with you and Garcia to track prescription medications that he would be on given his self-inflicted injuries, and Spencer, Emily, and Aaron put together a geographic profile using the letters from the Fox and the proximity of nearby pharmacies. Derek's role as acting unit chief keeps him busy all on its own, but he manages to keep the team on track as he turns any new cases that come in to other teams.

When JJ returns from a local pharmacy with the discovery that many prescription meds have over-the-counter alternatives, the focus shifts. Garcia narrows down the list, and brings back a list of names that is way too long to feasibly question.

"153 names," you huff, leaning over her shoulder as she scrolls down the list.

Emily frowns. "Well, he's not gonna use his own name."

"What kind of aliases should we be looking for?"

You all consider this, before Derek chimes in. "He could have easily stolen someone's identity."

Hotch shuts that idea down immediately. "No, he's a narcissist in love with his own mythology. He'd use a name connected with the case."

"A victim, maybe," you guess, "or a cop?"

Garcia doesn't find anything on the initial search, but thankfully Spencer suggests another approach. "Guys, Foyet likes things to have meaning to him. The eye of providence, the addresses in blood he wrote on the bus that led us back to him. Maybe he's doing the same thing with the alias."

Emily frowns. "Like an anagram or something?"

Spencer walks over to the white board and writes out George Foyet, before fiddling around with the spellings of possible anagrams. You walk up behind him and follow his movements along the board. "You see something, Spence?"

He shakes his head. "Not yet."

"Spencer," you interrupt as the realization comes to you, "he named himself The Reaper."

He pauses for a beat, before switching over to scrawling out possible anagrams for The Reaper instead. After a moment, he's done. "Peter Rhea."

Penelope is already searching. "There's a Peter Rhea in Arlington."

Rossi nods, a satisfied look on his face. "We found him."

***

Garcia sends out the address of an apartment in his name, and you drive over with Hotch, who doesn't say a word the whole way over. You keep glancing at him, trying to be discreet, but the tension in his posture doesn't fade, even after the breakthrough.

The apartment ends up being empty, but when you all go inside, there's a laptop sitting on the center table. Emily dials Garcia the moment you realize that the files on it are being remotely deleted, and when she hacks in, she comes across a series of surveillance photos that make you gasp out loud. "Oh my god, isn't that-"

"That's the US Marshall protecting my family." His face looks frozen with stress as he dials Marshall Kassmeyer's number. When the call goes to voicemail, Aaron stalks out of the apartment and to the SUVs parked out front. He doesn't wait for you to get in, before he's already driving off.

"Where is he going?" Emily calls out as she exits the building behind you.

"Kassmeyer's house," you say, almost certain that you're correct. With the knowledge that his family is most likely in immediate danger, there is nothing anyone could do to stop him from trying to save them. "I'm gonna follow him."

"Here," Rossi says, tossing his car keys to you. You accept them gratefully and speed off down the road.

~

Kassmeyer is bleeding out when you get to his house. Aaron is already inside, trying to get him to explain what happened, and when he describes how Foyet taunted him and stabbed him, you resist the urge to take Aaron's hand.

"Sam," he says suddenly, leaning over him. "I need to understand. Does he know where Jack and Haley are?"

Your heart rate skyrockets as Kassmeyer mumbles another apology. If Foyet knows where they are, you don't know if any of you will be able to get there in time.

The paramedics rush in then, and they carry Sam out to the awaiting ambulance as he refuses sedation. Aaron runs out after them and throws himself into the back of the ambulance before you can catch up.

~

Without any new leads, there's nowhere for you to go, so you wait out front in your SUV as you wrack your brain for where Foyet would have told Haley and Jack to go. You don't know how long it takes until another agent calls you from the hospital with the news that Marshall Kassmeyer died in surgery.

The news hits you like a ton of bricks. One more body you can attribute to The Reaper. "Is Agent Hotchner there?"

The voice is tinny over the line. "He took one of the SUVs and left a few minutes ago."

"Where?" You can hear how frantic your voice sounds, but you don't care. "Where did he go?"

"I'm not sure," the agent says. "He sped away before anyone could ask."

You hang up the phone and turn the car on, before pulling onto the street and calling the team line. Garcia picks up on the first ring.

"Sam died in surgery," you explain as you turn at the end of the street. "Hotch is already gone, but I'm gonna go to the hospital now in case someone has more info."

"Okay, honey," she says, patching in the rest of the team. When they answer, she repeats your statement, before she gets cut off. "Guys, Hotch is calling Foyet."

"Patch us in," Derek instructs over the line, before going silent. You mute yourself as well, before turning back to the road.

"Agent Hotchner."

Foyet's voice makes you nauseous, and you can practically hear the grin behind his words.

"If you touch her..." Aaron doesn't even finish the threat, but you can feel the rage within it.

"Be gentle, like I was with you?"

Your eyes prick with tears as you remember the scars that are now a permanent fixture on his body. The matching scars. The idea of Haley ending up the same way, or Jack-

"What the hell took you so long?" Foyet complains, his tone playful. "I was beginning to think this phone was dead or something."

Aaron doesn't answer him, and the anger is almost palpable over the line.

"Why so quiet? You usually lash out when you're frustrated."

"I'm not frustrated," he finally responds. "You're more predictable than you think."

"Am I?"

He starts to recount the tale of Foyet's life, weaving in details that you didn't know from his childhood and the pain he was causing before he was even old enough to drive. You suppose this was what all of those late nights at the office were for. You hope they were worth it.

"That's the thing, George," he continues, his voice suddenly softer. It's like he's pleading with him. "This isn't a fairy tale. You don't have to write this story. Haven't you gotten what you wanted?"

There's silence for a few moments, and you can hear your heartbeat in your skull. Eventually Foyet comes back. "You know what I've been thinking? Haley looks pretty good with dark hair."

Your heart falls into your stomach. He has her. He already has her.

"She's lost some weight. Must be all the stress you caused her."

Just when you think that might be the worst of it, he continues. "Where's the little man? Oh. There he is. Does he like Captain America because of you?"

He has them both. You can barely see the road through the anger and fear that is coursing through your veins. Another phone rings and Foyet answers it, leaving his line with Hotch on as well. "Mrs. Hotchner. I'm here. Open the gate and I'll drive in."

You can't hear her reply, before Foyet returns to the call you're listening to. "Aaron? I really gotta go."

The call disconnects, and you can't breathe. Open the gate. The gate. What gate?

Think, think, goddamnit think.

The answer hits you like a truck. "His house. They're at his old house."

Emily whispers something that sounds like "shit" and you swerve across the lanes to make a u-turn. "I'm heading there now."

Assuming Aaron was already heading back after leaving the hospital, he would reach the house before any of you. You can only hope he'll be there in time.

Your knuckles have turned white from how hard you're gripping the steering wheel, and when Garcia patches you all in for another call from Foyet, the tears are already flowing down your cheeks.

"Aaron?"

It's Haley's voice. You gasp out loud from the relief that she's still alive.

"You're okay?" She sounds so scared, but at least she's alive. That's all you can focus on right now.

Aaron answers with a defeated sigh. "I'm fine."

"But...he said that..." The realization hits her, and she lets out a small sob. "Oh, Aaron."

"He can hear us, right?"

"Yes."

His voice is softer then, wet with tears. "I am so sorry. Haley, show him no weakness, no fear."

"I know." Of course she does. She was married to a profiler for years. She knows what all of this means, but she doesn't deserve any of it. "Sam told me all about him. Is he, uh..."

"No," he says gently. "Sam is fine."

Foyet's voice is like the hiss of a snake as it joins the call. "Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Is that why your marriage broke up, because you're a liar?" His voice is too close to the phone. You want to scream for him to get away from her, but you're not supposed to be listening, and your car isn't moving fast enough.

"He's trying to scare you, Haley." His voice is trembling, and you can hear the tightness behind each of his words.

When Foyet mentions the deal, your stomach roils with nausea. You can picture the exact look on Aaron's face as he blames himself for this entire situation, even though it's happening to him, not because of him.

"Don't react."

Haley's voice is shaking too as she whispers, "What is he talking about?"

"Tell Jack I need him working the case."

"What?" She sounds confused, and that's when you remember the signal he told you about. The words that only Jack knows that are meant to keep him safe from situations exactly like this.

"Tell Jack I need him working the case," he repeats, his voice steadier. But all of it goes away the moment Haley hands her son the phone.

"Hi, Daddy."

"Hi, buddy." His voice cracks and you feel your heart crack with it. The tears are rushing down your cheeks now, and you wipe them out of your eyes with the back of your hand as you get closer to the house. But not close enough.

Aaron tells him to work the case again, and he gives Haley a hug before rushing out of the room.

"He's so cute. He's like a little junior G-Man." Foyet chuckles, before yelling out. "I'll be right up, Jackie boy!"

Aaron ignores him, and you feel his focus return. "Is he gone?"

"Yes." Haley's voice is strong, and you release a single sigh of relief as you press the gas pedal down as hard as you can.

Aaron's voice returns and you can hear the anguish as he speaks. "You're so strong, Haley. You're stronger than I ever was."

"You'll hurry, right?" The fear in her voice breaks your heart, and you want to assure her that you're all doing everything you can, but you're still a few streets away.

"I know you didn't sign on for this."

Neither did you.

She echoes your thoughts. "Neither did you."

His voice breaks into a sob. "I'm sorry for everything."

"Promise me that you will tell him how we met and how you used to make me laugh."

"Haley..."

"He needs to know that you weren't always so serious, Aaron." Her words sound so final, and you can't imagine what Foyet is pointing at her right now, but you can only hope that Aaron gets there before it's too late. "I want him to believe in love, because it is the most important thing. But you need to show him." She sounds almost resolute, and your body floods with hope for a split second. "Promise me."

His breathing is ragged as he whispers, "I promise."

Three gunshots ring out and the wheel jerks in your hand as a painful sob wrenches from your throat. No, no, no.

~

You race out of your car the moment you pull to a stop in front of the house. There's only one other SUV outside, and you don't give yourself a moment to think as you rush inside, lifting your gun at the last second.

The front foyer is empty, but then a jagged thumping fills the air and you dart around the corner to find Aaron beating Foyet to a pulp. You can tell from where you're standing that he's already dead, but that doesn't seem to matter to him.

"Aaron!" you yell, hoping to break his reverie. His hands are covered in blood as he pounds the man's face in, and he doesn't look up until you grab him from behind and yank his arms back. "Aaron, he's dead. He's dead."

He stops moving, and for one single second, everything is still. Then his body pitches forward and he breaks down as he sobs, his hands coming up like he's begging for the pain to go away.

You clutch him as tightly as you can, like if you hold him close enough, he won't fall apart. You can hear the voices of your teammates as they enter the house, but then his head lifts and he pulls himself up, dashing down the hall. You follow after him, rushing past Morgan and Rossi, and you realize where he's going in real time as he runs into his office and kneels down beside his desk.

Please, please, not him. Just not him. He opens the cabinet and you all share a gasp of relief as Jack's little face peeks out, his skin unmarred.

"I worked the case, Daddy. Just like you said."

Aaron reaches in and picks him up, before squeezing him tightly, his little face glancing around the room in confusion.

"You did a great job, buddy." He releases him after a few moments, before handing him off to JJ to go outside and away from the carnage littering the house. You press a kiss to his forehead before she lifts him up and walks out of the room.

Emily looks at you then, concern flashing in her eyes, but you just nod, and she follows JJ, pulling the door closed behind her.

You turn back around just in time to catch Aaron as he collapses to the floor. The weight sends you both to your knees, and he crushes you to him as you hold him as tightly as you can. His sobs mix in with your own, and you try not to let your body shake from the force of your crying, because you need to be strong for him.

He buries his face into your neck, his tears mixing with the blood on his face as it soaks your shirt and vest.

"I'm so sorry," you whisper into his hair. It doesn't feel like enough, but there's nothing else to say. "I'm so sorry."

~

Derek and Emily come back with the paramedics eventually to take him outside to check for injuries, and you're about to follow after them when something catches your eye. A pair of feet invade your periphery as you glance through a doorway down the hall. Oh god.

Your knees buckle and Derek catches you before you stumble forward into her room. You fall to your knees beside her, and you vaguely hear Emily whisper something behind you before there's just silence.

Her eyes are already closed, and if you really wanted to, you could try to pretend that she was just sleeping, but there's too much blood. You reach out to push her short hair back from her forehead, so that you can see her face one last time. One last time.

A sob rips out of you and you take her hand, pressing it to your lips. The scene is suddenly too much, and you close your eyes before letting out a shaky breath. You don't know what your life is going to look like without her presence. What Aaron's life with look like, or Jack's.

You squeeze her hand again before laying it on her stomach, and Emily comes forward then to help you up. Derek holds the door open as she leads you outside, and helps you tear your vest off the moment you hit the fresh afternoon air.

You bend over, hands on your knees, gulping back fresh air and trying not to throw up. Emily pats your back as you take in deep breaths, rubbing comforting circles that help to calm down your heart rate.

When you look up, you spot Aaron sitting on the edge of an ambulance. The medics are cleaning his cuts, and one of them is holding an ice pack to his head, when you walk over to survey the damage.

He doesn't look up when you approach, instead staring at his bloody hands with a look you can't discern. You can't imagine what he must be thinking right now, but if you know him at all, you know that sometimes you don't need to talk.

You reach down and take his hands, holding them in yours with a tight grip that forces him to look at you. Neither of you says anything, but it's okay, because there is nothing left to say. There will be soon, but not right now.

***

"We'll be back in a couple of hours," Jess tells you as she slings her purse over her shoulder.

You nod at her as you pick Jack off the ground and swing him up into your arms. "Take your time. We'll be hanging out here."

Aaron beckons for Jess to walk out in front of him before he dips his chin at you. "Thank you again."

"Of course," you smile, shaking your head. They're going to make the last arrangements for the funeral, and the absolute least you can do is watch Jack while they're away.

"Can we watch cartoons?" Jack asks the moment the front door shuts behind them.

"Soon, baby," you laugh lightly, before placing him on the ground and leading him to the kitchen. "We gotta make lunch first."

You throw together two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bring them to the breakfast table, where Jack is obediently scribbling away at his coloring book. "Here you go, Jack-o-lantern."

He takes a massive bite before you can sit down, but over the next ten minutes, he only manages to finish about half of the sandwich. "I'm done."

"You sure?" you ask, scrunching your face into a playful frown. "I think you got at least a couple more bites in you."

He shakes his head forcefully, before dropping the sandwich onto his plate. You know he doesn't usually eat much, but he hasn't eaten since breakfast hours ago. "Come on, hon, at least another big bite."

"No!" he yells, pushing the plate away from him. Before you can stop him, he jumps off of his chair and races out of the kitchen, towards his bedroom.

You hear the door slam shut behind him, and you heave out a sigh before clearing away both of your plates and wiping down the counter. You don't fault him for anything, you just can't believe he has to go through something like this.

He's so young. Younger than you were when you lost your mom. There's some comfort in the fact that he likely won't remember this pain when he's older, but then comes the nausea. The sickening reminder that one day he'll forget about her. Haley, his mother, your best friend's wife, your friend.

You slowly make your way to his room, knocking on the door twice before calling out his name. When he doesn't answer, you twist the knob and gently open the door. "Jack?"

He doesn't say anything as you cross the room and sit on the floor in front of him. He's fiddling around with a set of colorful wooden blocks, and he only looks at you once you pick one up yourself. The edges have been worn smooth from being tossed around, and you run your fingers against them as you wait for him to speak.

"Did Mommy want to leave?"

You can practically hear your heart crack in two as the block falls from your hand. Tears spring to your eyes, but you blink them back, not wanting to scare him.

"No, baby, no," you say quickly, reaching forward to rub your thumb over his cheek. "She loved you more than anything in this world."

He still doesn't look convinced, so you rest your palms on his cheeks, trying to get him to look at you. "If it was her choice, she would have never left you."

After a moment, his lips jut out into a pout, but he nods once. "Is Daddy gonna leave too?"

The tears rush forward again. You want to tell him that Aaron would never leave him, that he may be gone most nights until after Jack is asleep, and sometimes even before he's up for breakfast, but he would never leave. But you also know that Haley didn't want to either, but sometimes the job takes more than you're willing to give. "He's not going to leave you. Not if he can help it."

That seems to calm him down for the time being, so you take his hand and lead him back to the living room. Once he's situated on the couch, you switch on his cartoons for him, turning the volume down low.

He settles into the cushion next to you, his arm resting on your thigh as he focuses on the screen in front of him, while your eyes wander down to the small tv stand. They land on a framed photo of Haley and Jess together, smiling at the camera as the sun shines down on their faces, and you lift your hand to your mouth to stifle the tears that rush forward.

When your eyes pan over to the photo of you and her, with Aaron and Jess right behind you, the tears stream down your cheeks, and you wipe them away quickly, trying to be quiet so as not to call away Jack's attention. But the cartoons are too quiet, and when a small sob escapes, Jack looks up, his brow furrowing with a look reminiscent of his father. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, baby," you nod, forcing a smile onto your face as you look down at him and press a kiss to his temple. "I just loved your mom very much."

***

The ground is still wet from the rain. It squelches beneath your feet as Jess clutches onto your arm, letting you lead her across the cemetery for the service.

You walk behind the pallbearers as they bring Haley to the top of the open grass and set her down carefully with a reverence that brings tears to your eyes again. You don't know if your eyes have been dry at any moment today, but the tears haven't spilled over yet. It's only a matter of time.

Aaron is ahead of everyone, looking down at the small sheet of paper in his hands, with Jack by his side. The young boy looks so small in his suit, and his eyes dart around the procession with a mix of confusion and sadness that pierces your chest.

When Aaron is ready to begin, Jessica lets go and walks up to stand on his other side, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. Your arm feels cold where she used to be, but it doesn't last long as another hand takes its place. You turn your head to see Spencer, one hand on his cane, and the other on your arm, as he holds you tightly to his side, his eyes brimming with tears as well. You don't expect that there's a dry eye in the crowd.

Aaron starts his speech with a quote, but the steadiness in his voice starts to waver the moment he says her name. "Haley was my best friend since we were in high school."

You remember how fiercely he loved her, even back then. The tenacity with which he pursued her when he realized that she was someone he wanted to spend his life with.

His voice continues as his eyes dip down. "We certainly had our struggles, but if there's one thing we agreed on unconditionally, it was our love and commitment to our son Jack." Your tears surface again, but you suck them back with a deep breath. "Haley's love for Jack was joyous and fierce. That fierceness is why she isn't here today."

Aaron looks up then, and his eyes land on the casket in front of him. "A mother's love is an unrivaled force of nature. And we can all learn much from the way Haley lived her life."

His hand flexes at his side, and you wish desperately that you were up there with him, holding his hand like he held yours when your mother died.

"I will make sure that Jack grows up knowing who his mother was and how she loved and protected him and how much I loved her."

His voice breaks and he reaches into his pocket for the scrap of paper he was looking at earlier. "I met Haley at the tryouts of our high school's production of 'The Pirates of Penzance'. I found our copy of the play and was looking through it the other night, and I came upon a passage that seemed appropriate for this moment."

The quote comes back to you as he recites it, and your mind flashes back to those adolescent afternoons when you would watch him make a fool of himself trying to impress Haley at play practice. You can't help yourself as the tears finally fall, and you feel Spencer squeeze your hand tightly, acting as the lifeline you so earnestly need.

When he finishes his speech, everyone comes forward to place white roses on her casket before it is lowered into the ground. You wait as the crowd slowly dissipates, as everyone heads to the repast, and you hold Jess's hand while Aaron picks Jack up, holding him tightly.

"Blow Mommy a kiss," he whispers, before leaning over to let Jack place a rose on the casket.

His brow furrows as he straightens again, and you watch as the familiar stoicism returns to his posture. He isn't pushing all of his emotions down, exactly. He's just tucking them away, so as to be there for his son, who needs a solid figure in his life, now more than ever.

And that's what he'll be.

***

The repast is bustling with people from all eras of Haley's life, and you sit with the team at a large table, staring at your plate of food. When Dave pulls Aaron outside to talk, you watch them leave, noting the stiffness in his shoulders as he's forced to leave Jack with Jess again. She has been nothing but grateful to see her nephew more often than usual, but nonetheless, he wears his guilt like a jagged scar across his face.

Penelope clutches your hand under the table and you give her a weak nod, unable to do more with all of the energy drained from you.

"It was a beautiful service," Emily says, her eyes big and soft as they look at you.

You nod again, before turning back to your full plate. You can't bear the thought of stomaching any food right now.

Then just when you think the day can't get any worse, Derek and JJ's phones chirp with a message at the same time. No. No.

"They can't be calling us in," Emily sighs, her lips thinning, "not tonight."

JJ shakes her head. "I'm on it." She returns from her phone call a minute later with a forlorn look. "There's no other team available."

Derek gets up with a sigh. "I'll get Rossi."

When he returns with Dave, leaving Aaron alone on the deck, you squeeze Penelope's hand before walking outside. The air is cold, and you wrap your shawl tighter around your shoulders as you approach him.

"It's okay," he says before you can open your mouth. "I'll see you when you get back."

Mind reader, you think for a split second.

He has already given you the blessing you assumed you needed when you came out here, but it still doesn't feel right. "I don't want to go."

"It's your job," he shrugs. Like it's that simple. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?" You won't be able to do your job with him here, but even less so if you're feeling guilty the whole time. "I can take time off."

"No," he says quietly, shaking his head. He looks out into the night air, and you take his hand, squeezing it between both of yours. "It'll be good for me to have some time with Jack."

You can understand that. You pull him into a hug, before dipping your chin into a nod and leaving him out there again.

***

His return to work hasn't been easy. When Strauss gave him the option to retire with full pension and benefits, it should have been an easy decision, but something was tugging at his gut, telling him that would be the wrong choice.

Now he's sitting in his office, and all of his recent life choices are swirling around him like a hurricane ready to close in. He misses Jack like he's missing a limb, and he feels terrible for how often he's been relying on Jess to take care of him, even though she readily offered her help.

His emotions are a tumbling mess, and he doesn't notice that his fingers have been tapping the edge of his desk until you enter his office.

"Coffee?" He looks up with a nod, accepting the steaming cup you hand him, before you flop down on the couch across from him. "What are you thinking about?"

He swallows back a scalding gulp that likely scorched his throat on the way down. He wants to push his emotions down and say something quippy that won't distract you for more than a few moments, but tonight he needs reassurance more than he's willing to admit. "Did I come back too early?"

He expects an immediate and bombastic denial, but you just sit there, stirring your black coffee as you tuck your legs under you. "I can't decide that for you."

It's a diplomatic answer, but he needs guidance, and he doesn't have anyone else to go to. Not that he would go to anyone else even if he did. "Do you think I'm jeopardizing the team by being here?"

This time, the answer is immediate. "Of course not. You've been doing your job effectively, and no one can say otherwise."

He pauses for a moment, ruminating over your words. He knows he's not asking the right questions. He's just delaying until he has to accept what he's feeling.

With a shaky breath, he sets his coffee down and looks at you. "Am I jeopardizing my family by being here?"

Your brows pinch. "Jack will be okay. He's young, and he'll miss you, but you're his hero, Aaron. He loves you because you keep him safe."

"But I'm never home." His voice sounds ragged to his own ears, and he's certain you can hear the pain clawing out of his throat. "How am I doing my job as a father if I'm never there?"

"Aaron," you whisper, drawing his eyes back to yours. "You're keeping him safe by catching the bad guys. He knows that. And that's what he needs." You fix him with a look that makes his back straighten. "Okay?"

After a moment, he nods. "Okay."

***

"Hi, Hales."

You sink down onto the bench in front of her headstone, before pulling the baggie of peach rings you brought from your pocket. They were the only candy you liked from your high school's vending machine, and the two of you would share them between classes during your senior year.

"I should've come sooner, but work's been really busy."

You've only visited her once since the funeral six months ago, and you wish you could've come by more, but sometimes being here is just too much. It's too stark of a reminder that she's never coming back.

You pop another peach ring in your mouth, before breaking into a grin. "Jack's growing up so fast. He's so resilient, it's amazing." He has already adjusted to living in his father's apartment full time, and he seems to like hanging out with you or Jess whenever he's stuck at work late. "I wish you could be here to see it all."

You wish for a lot of things these days. The loss seems to keep piling up, and you don't know what to do or how to feel most of the time, but time keeps passing. And with it, so does the grief.

"Aaron's starting to get better too." You don't know what you believe, but a part of you suspects she knows all of this already. "The transition back was hard on all of us, but he doesn't look as defeated all the time anymore." Your lip twitches. "He even smiles at my jokes sometimes."

You swear you hear her laughter over the rustling of the wind, but it's probably just in your head. "Anyway, I just wanted to come see you. Let you know how much we miss you."

You stand up, grabbing the bouquet from next to you, and walk over to the headstone. Without thinking, you reach into your bag of candy and drop a peach ring into the dirt. It feels juvenile, even as you're doing it, but you can't help yourself. She would find it funny. You know she would.

You tuck the rest into your pocket and walk across the grass to another row of stones. It's not a quick stroll, but it gives you enough time to take a few deep breaths before you face him again.

Jeff Adler. The letters jump out at you like flashing lights, and you blink a few times as the magnitude of your loss washes over you. So many lives, so much love and warmth gone from your life.

Bending down, you place the bouquet of carnations in front of his headstone, before kissing your fingertips and pressing them to his name.

***

"You've got to be kidding."

He just shrugs, but there's a small smile tugging at his lips. You make sure to keep your voice down as you toss your cards into the center pile and lean back against the bottom of his couch.

After putting Jack to bed, neither of you could think of anything quiet to do until Aaron pulled out a deck of cards from below the tv stand.

"I hate that you're so good at this," you grumble, watching as he deftly splits the deck and starts shuffling again. This being Go Fish.

"You're good, too," he concedes, flashing you an amused look that you don't share.

"Yeah, but you're better."

"As with most things."

You throw a card at him, but he dodges it easily. When he's finished shuffling, he deals out a card, before pausing. "We can play something else if you don't think you can beat me."

"Just deal the cards."

He lets out a low laugh and deals out another card, just as both of your cellphones chirp at the same time. You share a look before dropping the cards on the table. He stands first and gives you a hand up, which you accept.

"I'll call Jess," you whisper as he strides over to his bedroom to get his go-bag. You dial her quickly, and get the confirmation that she's coming over, before grabbing your own bag and heading out to his car.

***

"Sorry to ruin your night."

Everyone is in casual clothing when you walk into the briefing room with Aaron on your heels. JJ shoots you an apologetic look which quickly turns to surprise when Rossi walks in wearing a full tux.

"What, are you working on, wife number 4?" Derek laughs as he sets his bag down.

Dave just grumbles. "I see you people way too much."

"I hear that," you grin before taking your usual seat between Aaron and Spencer.

"Let's get started." JJ hands out the case files and clicks the screen on. "All right. Anchorage field office is asking us to investigate a series of murders in Franklin, Alaska. There's 3 people dead in less than a week."

You scan the file as fast as you can, but Spencer beats you to it. "For a town with a population of 1,476, that's fairly significant."

JJ nods. "It's their first murder investigation on record."

"Who are the victims?" Dave asks, his eyes darting back and forth between the file and the screen.

JJ looks down at her notes. "Uh, Jon Baker, a hunter. Dedaimia Swanson, a schoolteacher. Brenda Bright, the first mate on a fishing boat. There's a new victim every 2 days."

Everyone seems to be thinking the same thing, but Emily gives it a voice. "Any connections?"

"Unfortunately, in a town this small, everyone's connected."

When JJ finishes up the briefing, Aaron stands up and grabs his bag. "We'll fly out tonight. Everybody can sleep on the plane. Garcia, I need you with us."

She shoots him a confused look. "Sir?"

"I've tasked a satellite uplink and it's your job to keep us connected."

"Yes, sir."

"This town's already on the brink," he continues with a sigh, "and if this pattern continues, we've only got another day until the next murder. Let's finish this fast."

***

After barely getting any sleep on the plane ride over, and a long day in the cold, the team holes up in the lobby of a local inn, warming up around the fire.

"I'm gonna pull an all-nighter," Garcia announces when you stifle a yawn behind your fist. "I'll finish going through the town records. Should have background checks by sunrise."

"Good," Aaron nods, sitting up on the couch. "The rest of us should get some sleep, start fresh in the morning."

At his suggestion, the innkeeper steps out from behind her desk. "I've got four of the upstairs rooms available."

"Uh, 4?" Spencer squeaks, his eyes darting around the room.

"Come on," the sheriff sighs as he stands up, "that's the best we can do. Your team is double the size of my department." He glances at Aaron and they share a nod. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night."

The sheriff walks out of the inn and you lean back on the couch, turning your head to the side to look at Aaron. The question in your eyes is implicit. What's the plan?

"It looks like we'll have to double up," Emily answers for you, her lips stretching into a grin.

Derek speaks up immediately. "I'm not sleeping with Reid."

Penelope reaches over and grabs Derek's arm. "Dibs."

Emily and JJ stand together and head upstairs, and you glance at Aaron with a nod. "Let's find one of the double rooms before Emily snags it."

"Guess it's you and me, kid," Dave says to Spencer as you grab a key from the front desk and pick up your bag. The inn is so small that all of your rooms end up being in the same hallway. You leave the door open behind you as you step inside and toss your bag onto the nearest bed.

Aaron enters after you and locks the door, before wordlessly moving your bag to the other bed, away from the door. It takes you less than a second to realize why. His protective nature was always strong, but over the past year, it has kicked into overdrive, especially around you and Jack.

"Do you want first shower?" you ask as you unzip your bag and pull out a tee shirt and some sleep shorts.

"You take it," he says, shaking his head. The chilliness of the outside air hasn't left your bones, so you don't wait for him to change his mind before grabbing your toiletries and rushing into the bathroom.

While you're in the shower, Aaron takes his time fluffing out the comforter and pillows on his bed. The room itself isn't very spacious, but he doesn't mind sharing with you. The close quarters remind him of his youth when he would sneak into your room late at night to get away from his family. Just the sight of the lights through your bedroom window used to bring him peace. When he glances over at your side of the room, a tranquility washes over him, and he realizes that the feeling hasn't really gone away.

"Your turn," you say a little later when you emerge from the bathroom. Your skin is still slightly damp, and your cheeks are pink from the heat of the shower, and he has to tear his eyes away as he nods and steps around you.

The tiny mirror in the bathroom is still steamy when he shuts the door behind him and pulls off his shirt, and he lifts his hand to wipe it off, before pausing. His scars aren't something he likes to think about often, but after saving Jack, they took on a different image in his mind. He felt less like a victim.

He rubs his hand against the mirror to wipe off some of the condensation, and his reflection looks tense as it stares back at him. Back in the room, your presence felt warm and comfortable, but in here, with the steam fogging up the glass, and the scent of your perfume lingering in the air, something else roils in his gut.

It's a not-so-unfamiliar feeling that used to be commonplace when he was younger. It hadn't reared its head in years, but lately, it's been so much harder to push it down. When he sees how much his son loves you, how much he looks forward to finding you in his apartment when he gets back from a late meeting. It's been...hard.

He turns on the shower and steps in, letting the hot water wash away the notions tickling the edge of his brain. When he walks back into the room, you are tucked into your bed, the covers up to your chin.

"You look like a burrito," he notes with a small laugh.

You shrug, though it's barely visible from under the comforter. "I find this is the best way to keep out the Arctic chill that seems to have invaded our lodgings."

"Fair enough."

He slides into his own bed and clicks the switch on the wall to turn the lights off. He tries to sleep for a few minutes, but even though he's exhausted, it won't come.

It's dark enough that he can't see his fingers in front of his face, but the uneven sounds of your breathing let him know that you're still awake.

"You should really sleep," he whispers into the darkness.

"You first," you say after a moment, before your voice lowers. "How are you doing? How are you holding up, I mean."

"How are you doing?" he asks, knowing he's being unfair.

You don't let it slide this time. "You're deflecting."

"I know."

There's a pause before he finally concedes. "I think I'm okay. The normalcy is coming back, and Jack is doing a lot better, which helps immensely."

"Me too," you say after a beat.

He wants to let the subject go and try to sleep, but the words are pulling at his throat. "I miss her all the time."

"Me too," you repeat. You huff out a husky laugh, but there's no humor behind it. "God, me too."

There's a tinge of bitterness in your voice that he recognizes in himself, but it's not something he knows if he can explain. He remembers how a small part of you blamed Jeff after his death, but that's nothing like what he's feeling. He blames himself for everything but the act itself, knowing that if he had just gotten there quicker, or taken the deal, or taken the transfer-

His breath catches and he hears you rustle under your covers. He imagines you turning to face him, and as his eyes slowly adjust he sees that he was right.

"Do you remember that time in high school," he says suddenly, not entirely sure where he's going with this, "when I got detention."

"I'm gonna need you to be more specific."

He laughs, in spite of himself, and turns over to face you as well. You're so far away, but he can just barely make out your face from across the room. "When you broke me out."

Your laughter is sudden and it echoes around the small room as the memory hits you. "I do remember that. I told them your grandfather was in the hospital so that they would let you out. God, Mrs. Parker was so upset when she went to get you."

"I think my favorite part of the story was that both of my grandfathers died before I could walk."

You chuckle, your voice softer now. "I know."

His chest warms at the memory of the two of you running out to your car and driving to get a scoop of chocolate at your favorite ice cream shop. Even afterwards, you had driven around town for hours, without a complaint, and he hadn't mentioned the time once. It was so soon after his dad's death, and he hated going home for so many reasons. Sean hated him, and his mother was sad all of the time, and it was like you just knew.

"You were good at reading me," he whispers, almost to himself.

"Were good?" you ask with mock offense.

He snorts. "Fine, are good at reading me."

"That's more like it."

***

You drop your empty glass back on the table, feeling the burn of the liquor as you swallow it down. It's your second drink of the night, and while you usually don't indulge in more than one, you welcome the chance to let loose.

Everyone else seems to be in the same mindset, because JJ, Emily, and Penelope are in various states of drunkenness around the booth, and the men are either nursing a drink or driving.

"Let's dance," JJ shrieks, lifting her head off of Will's shoulder and pushing herself up from the booth.

"Hell yeah," Emily grins, pulling you and Penelope up with her.

JJ tries to corral the guys to join, but they all stay firmly seated. Dave and Will look content as they sip their whiskey, and Spencer doesn't budge, citing his leg hurting (a lie). After a bit of targeted shoving, Derek chuckles and gets up for one dance, following Penelope and JJ onto the dance floor.

"Aaaaaron," you slur, tugging his arm. He doesn't move even an inch, but the corner of his lip twitches when you don't give up.

"You used to dance in college," you point out with a frown.

Emily hoots as she saunters over to the floor. "This I need to see."

Aaron just shakes his head with a smile, and you eventually oblige, joining the ladies (and Derek) for a few dances. The dark atmosphere of the club has you feeling looser than you have in a long time, and after the next song, you join Dave over at the bar to get another drink.

You down half of it before you leave the counter, and by this point, JJ has coaxed Will out of his seat, while Spencer rushes off to find the bathroom. The tiredness hits you as soon as you finish the drink, and when you spot Aaron by himself at the booth, you glide back to keep him company.

He doesn't notice you at first as you walk over to him, and you can't help but register that he looks good in his undone button-down. You take another step forward and a thin glint of metal around his neck becomes visible. A jolt of heat shoots down your body and you set your glass down on a nearby table without looking as you approach him.

When you reach the edge of the bench, someone walking by bumps into you and you stumble forward. Aaron grabs onto you as you fall forward, and you end up crushed in his arms, your face just inches from his. Your thoughts cut out and you don't make a sound, your breaths coming out in quick spurts.

Neither one of you moves as you look at each other, so so close, so much closer than you've ever been, than you've ever gotten to be. The faintest impression of a thought - the thought - crosses the deepest edges of your mind as you lean in infinitesimally. He doesn't notice, and you barely register it either, but you can't help but notice how easy it would be to just close the gap and kiss him.

Kiss him?

Your brain short-circuits and you just barely manage to keep your eyes from widening. You have no idea where that came from, but then again, if you are honest with yourself, it has always been there, buried deep down beneath years of friendship and history.

The question invades your brain again, and this time, you're unable to stop it. What would it be like to kiss him?

You can't keep your breath from catching, and he pulls back immediately, tugging you to the side and depositing you on the booth beside him.

Your mouth falls open as you try to meet his eye. "Aaron-"

His head turns and he stands up, his eyes dark under the soft lighting. "I'm sorry."

Before you can get another word out, he's gone.

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[markantonys]

the good thing about the slog is that because such little of true import happens over such a long chunk of the series, the show is quite well-positioned to be able to tell the whole story cohesively in any number of seasons after 4. only 4 seasons would be tricky, but 5 or 6 would be just as doable as 7 or 8. (disclaimer that there has not been any news or speculation about potentially getting less than 8 seasons so don't panic haha it's just a topic i was randomly thinking about today! that being said, i do think 8 seasons is pretty ambitious in today's television landscape, especially if it continues to take 2 years to make each season, so while we're all hoping for the full 8, it's worth imagining how they could do it in fewer.)

i expect s4 to roughly coincide with the end of LOC, so, dumai's wells for rand and being raised amyrlin for egwene. perrin, mat, nynaeve, and elayne have more wiggle room in what they might be getting up to during s4 (it seems possible the ebou dar trip might be absorbed into tanchico in s3, and perrin may have to get an invented plotline or have a later plotline brought forward for s4 since he has so little in TFOH-LOC), so i won't guess at the endpoint for them beyond that it will likely leave them ready to kick into a fresh new storyline for s5. and nynaeve frankly doesn't have a book storyline after ebou dar (she's just supporting rand's & lan's storylines), so i'll ignore her in this post and just focus on the other 5 mains. fingers crossed the show will come up with more for nynaeve to do during this part of the story, but that's a separate topic.

after LOC, as far as i can recall, each of them only has 1-2 main things they strictly Must do before the last battle (obviously i've left out a bunch of stuff, but i'm thinking of just the absolute bare minimum essentials here):

rand: cleanse saidin (only requires 1 episode); reach his lowest point, then pull himself back up again, all the while simultaneously working to get as many nations under his banner as possible

egwene: unite the tower as uncontested amyrlin

perrin: finish wolf training; fold the whitecloaks into his army

mat: rescue moiraine (only requires 1 episode); get himself in charge of the seanchan forces

elayne: become uncontested queen of andor

so if s4 ends where i speculate, they'd all be perfectly positioned to spend 4-6 episodes of s5 doing these things, then the last battle for the remaining 2-4 episodes, and boom, we've fit all the most crucial things into only 5 seasons.

i know the instinct is to gasp and insist that they all have so much else to do, but.........do they really? everybody agrees that egwene & elayne & perrin only have 1 plotline during books 7-11 which is dragged out for more books than is needed to tell it, so mat and rand are really the sticking points. but if you think about it, mat spends this time repeatedly starting one plotline but then getting yanked out of it partway through to start a new one, so he doesn't actually accomplish that much story-wise. rand, meanwhile, is on a bunch of little 1-book quests (taking illian, seanchan campaign, hunting traitor asha'man, trying to meet with DOTNM) that could be cut for time or merged into his Darth Rand emotional arc from TGS. honestly, he's so emotionally stagnant for most of books 7-11 (he's either not present, dicking around doing nothing, or repeating emotional beats he already did in TSR-LOC) that i don't think going from dumai's wells straight to Darth Rand would be a bad idea at all, if the show had to; in fact, dumai's wells is kind of a perfect launchpoint for that arc, emotions-wise, and plot-wise, if they wanted to replace some of the arad doman events with some slog events, but just put the Darth Rand emotional spin on those slog events, they could easily do so (for example, him being reckless/arrogant with callandor against the seanchan and getting his own people killed could sub in for natrin's barrow in showing how ruthlessly Ends Justify Means he's becoming).

but anyway, these are imo the absolute most crucial pre-TLB plot points of the second half of the series (at least for these main characters, i'm not taking ALL characters into account in this post) and they could be fit into only 5 seasons without much trouble. now if you've got 6, 7, or 8 seasons, that gives extra room to expand these plot points and also add in some additional, not-strictly-required-but-nice-to-have plot points like more Little Rand Quests, elayne taking the throne of cairhien, egwene & gawyn hunting assassins in the tower, and the faile kidnapping plotline. (while making this post i actually had a wild thought of the faile kidnapping being perrin's s4 plotline followed by wolves & whitecloak stuff in s5 then into TLB, or alternately the whitecloaks being part of the kidnapping plotline as perrin's unlikely allies rather than the seanchan; could be a great structure for a 5-6 season scenario, but for 7-8 it would cause perrin to run out of content too quickly haha)

[raayllum]

6x05 Moonless Night Speculation

So 6x05 is called "Moonless Night" and it's ruining my life (affectionate), so let's talk about it.

Seasonal Placement

Something that's worth noting, I think, is that while episode 5 is undoubtedly an important episode in each season, as it marks the official "over halfway point" of the 9-episode assortment, thus far across the series it doesn't tend to hold the most plot compared to episodes occasionally surrounding it. Consider how 2x05-2x06 or 3x04-3x05 are grouped together as little collections, either grinding the plot to a halt to give flashbacks or to see Ezran leave his kingdom crownless and for Rayla and Callum to retrieve Zym from the wily Nyx. Even 4x05 and 5x05 aren't particularly plot heavy episodes, often getting the next segment of the story underway by travelling to a new location or having certain characters / pieces of information reconvene.

What episode five does tend to be are emotional turning points for characters:

1x05: This is the episode that makes the trio Friends, most notably allowing Rayla to open up to the boys about her parents and her fears, and having their togetherness reaffirmed. Unlike in the previous episodes, she's not hopeful or tolerating them anymore, and the boys have seen some of her more consistently good attributes / learning her behaviours too.

2x05: Callum finds the resolve to open the letter from King Harrow and we see where his mother, stepfather, and Viren felt about the mission that ultimately led to tragedy.

3x05: Soren chooses to do the right thing and stand by Ezran, and Callum and Rayla begin their romantic relationship.

4x05: Callum and Rayla deal with the lingering results of their fallout, even as Callum is able to admit that he is happy she's back, and we see how Rayla has become more jaded whereas Soren's gone in the opposite direction.

5x05: The group reconvenes to decide what to do for the rest of the season about Aaravos, leading to an interesting difference between the brothers. This one fits the pattern the least, arguably, but we'll talk a bit more about how S5 breaks patterns in a second.

As of course, TDP doesn't have to follow any previous seasonal notions. In every other season, Callum's arc(s) have always carried over into the season finale in some way—for 1x09 and 2x09, it's his relationship with magic, and for 3x09 and 4x09, it's his relationship with Rayla. Season five subsequently breaks convention as his arc is shored up by the end of 5x08, leaving 5x09 to give more room for Viren and Claudia's emotional arcs as well as a minor beat for Rayla's metaphorical/literal one with water. Season six could break previous patterns even further with 6x05 being a massive turning point.

With all that in mind, let's first examine what the Moon itself represents in TDP, and then what a night being moonless might mean before we get into plot and emotional arc speculation.

What does the Moon Represent in TDP?

One of the things that's nice about a series like TDP that takes its magic so literally is that we do have a handy list of things the Moon represents, at least tangentially. Callum's Spellbook reads, "Illusion, love, charm, private, deep, secrets, manipulation, death, reflection, appearances, and duality." Certainly seems like a very Aaravos-y star adjacent list, don't you think?

And we also get the explanation from Lujanne in 2x01, which is based off Plato's concept of the forms:

The arcanum of the moon is about understanding the relationship between appearances and reality. Most people believe that reality is truth and that appearances are deceiving. But those of us who know the Moon arcanum understand we can only truly know the appearance itself. You can never touch the so-called reality that lies just beyond the reach of your own perception.

For Lujanne, the philosophy behind the arcanum is rooted in the duality of truth vs secrets, appearances (and illusions) stacked against each other, and the nature of reality. However, we see other aspects of the Moon arcanum, such as Moonshadow form, be tethered to something equally involved in duality if perhaps more noteworthy for our purposes (Bloodmoon Huntress):

Moonshadow form is only achieved when we understand the balance between life and death. Balance is weight against weight, and to understand the weight of death, you must feel the weight and value of another's life. Think of those you love, those you hold dear. Now think of the souls who have touched your life. Understand that each time your weapon meets its target, each time we fulfil our duty, the potential for that life to change—to love another—is gone. We may remove hate, but we remove the potential for love as well.

Now, we can see how both of these may overlap with each other later — Harrow had the appearance of someone who posed a risk to the world but no longer did, and the vengeance declared was for an egg that hadn't actually been killed — but we'll get more to the other implications in the following section.

For now, I want to focus on examining the other less 'metaphorical' meanings and look at some of the more literal associations we have with Moons in the text. As we all know, there's been a prevalent light-darkness motif running throughout each season of the show that's only gotten more affirmed — and more linked to Rayla and Callum's relationship — as the show has gone on. (If you want more details, check out this tag.) We see this first hand in 2x02 "Half Moon Lies" where Lujanne also counsels Rayla through some Moon arcanum wisdom about her relationship with Callum:

L: And it is the same with you. There are parts you keep hidden. Real trust is about accepting even the dark parts we will never know.

By resolving to tell Callum about his stepfather's death, Rayla chooses to show her whole face — a full moon, if you will — and it's not the last time truth is associated with light in opposition with darkness either ("I finally see the truth. I find myself here at these horrifying crossroads because I have followed a dark path"). We even see this in the way the framing at the Nexus changes compared to before Callum knows the truth with Claudia, and after when he knows the truth with Rayla, with Rayla being framed in the light. The truth may be ugly, and Harrow's death darkens Callum's life, but just like each girl's hair being white and black at this point, Callum ultimately chooses Rayla when it matters here the most.

It is likewise not surprising that Callum's understanding of the Moon arcanum ("After all, we can only truly know the appearance itself" "Now you're starting to sound like Lujanne") evolves alongside his understanding of Rayla, knowing better how/what she hides in S3 and what's actually going on.

Then season four comes in very heavy handed with making Rayla synonymous with the moon pretty blatantly in a way she hadn't previously been afforded. Just having Callum looking at the moon is meant to represent his love and longing for her, after all, and she's framed as the moon upon her return as well, literally moving from dark (moonshadow form) to light.

This is a sort of association we've only thus far had given to characters like Janai with the sun. And then they have the association drawn through dialogue, too, just in case the Most Obvious Framing Ever wasn't enough.

Okay, so Rayla is a Moonshadow elf who now has the moon as a potential stand-in for her. Shocking, I know. But put a pin in it as we have one other blatant Moon symbolism thing to discuss, and that's Runaan and Ethari.

Now, the moon itself isn't super prevalent for Runaan and Ethari, per se. They're far more associated with circles/cycles (their family, the pendant, the shape of the lotus pond), weapons, and hearts — their goodbye dialogue for example. We do see two heavy Moon associations for them, though, both of which that is particularly apt for today's meta:

It also worth noting, of course, that neither of these things are exclusive either to Ruthari in the text. The notion of "Guiding Moon" and Ruthari's partnership is a consistent parallel to Rayla and Callum's evolving bond, as well as Rayla giving Callum the necklace with the same sentiments that Ethari did upon giving one to both her and Runaan.

With all that symbolism and setup out of the way, let's get into the biggest speculative question we have to try and answer:

Why is it Moonless?

Now, what you might've noticed in all our symbolism and setup is one main commonality: the moon, while tethered to duality, is usually seen as a more positive symbol than not having a moon. Light, or the light side of the moon, is better than the dark side or it being nonexistent. We can already see undercurrents in this given Callum's arc surrounding darkness ("In darkness, gaze upon a fallen star"): light, or the moon, is a Good Thing—most of the time. If you want more discussion on why Light isn't solely good in the series, check out this meta here.

What I'm getting at here is that Moonless Night almost undoubtedly refers to some kind of dark turn or tragedy. The only question is what/which one, and for that, I have three main thoughts:

1) Luna Tenebris

Luna Tenebris was the Queen of the Dragons after Sol Regem was disposed and before Avizandum (+ Zubeia) took over. She was also queen when humans were expelled from Xadia (known as the Judgement of the Half Moon) and mysteriously vanished circa 4x04's flashbacks, leading to chaos:

However, Luna Tenebris' disappearance is far more associated with a red Blood moon which doesn't bode well for the connection between blood-dark-star magic, and is most obviously associated with the Bloodmoon Huntress, Kim'Dael, as she and her kin were hunted under Luna's reign. So I'm not positing that Luna's death for her personally was a moonless night.

But it might be for someone else, who's been forced to live without her, and who vanishes shortly after she does.

Luna Tenebris' presumably 'unsuitable heir' (maybe the wrong kind of archdragon? Arcanum-less?) bears a striking resemblance to the dragon we see Rayla approaching (attacking?) in the S6 clip from the video game trailer:

We know that he's in a snowy place and we also know thanks to released screencap titles that Callum and — more importantly per the screencap above — Rayla are in snowy place from 6x03 "The Frozen Sea" onwards to presumably 6x05 "Moonless Night" at least, given that I can't imagine they'd always be at the infamous Starscraper (6x04) for just an episode. If Luna's heir is not an obstacle in 6x03 on their way to the Starscraper, facing him could be something they have to do — perhaps he's a nuisance to the Celestial elves or holds something they need, like a glowing crystal — in 6x05, as he's the result of well, a Moonless Night.

This is probably the most abstract of the few we have and the most entrenched in Just Plot (at least phrased/pictured as the above). The other two subsequent theories are much more in vein with an episode focus and/or the title maybe having multiple meanings (the above as well as one of the other two we'll detail down below).

2) Moon Fam Release

I'm prepared to eat my words but honestly, "Moonless Night" doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence for it to be a Moon fam heavy episode—at least not in a happy way. For starters, like I said before, there's all the negative associations with being 'moonless'. Even Ethari's vow amounts to "Myself and my love is with you even when there is no light/goodness/hope in your life." That doesn't exactly feel like a reunion vibe given that Runaan being released from the coins is surely something he will ultimately feel positively about.

Ethari's vow to Runaan is going to be harder to uphold if Ethari isn't there for Runaan's release. If Ethari is Runaan's guiding moon and it's a moonless night, then it doesn't seem like Ethari's there. Of course, he could be. I've speculated for a while that 6x02 will feature Rayla and Callum dropping off the Shadowpaw and making a pit stop at the Silvergrove, giving us a chance to catch up with Ethari; perhaps he'll even come along and has been left out of the (admittedly few) screencaps we have of Rayllum approaching the Starscraper for marketing seasonal secrecy purposes.

Another long held theory though is that whatever Callum has to do to ultimately set Runaan (and everyone else) free from the coins will not end well though.

If Ethari is there in 6x05, that makes me think the Moon fam will get out around the halfway point of the episode, they'll have like one (1) very happy scene, and then almost immediately major shit is going to hit the fan that becomes the focus.

Another add on reason is that I think if Moon fam are released and reunited in S6, the plot reasons behind it are 1) to give Callum a motivation to potentially go 'too far' (too fast?) in his quest to release him, and 2) to have Runaan there to encourage Rayla to kill Callum if/when he gets possessed again. There are many other reasons to love Rayla's parents, there are many other reasons to want them around, but from a structural/plot standpoint of being side characters, I do think that's the purpose they're here to serve in s6, with probably having an expanded role in s7.

For example, if we follow along the line of "Moonless Night" being a release episode with the meaning being largely related to Runaan and Ethari > the main characters, that means it would have to be about either how much Runaan missed Ethari in the coin (which we don't need to see to understand the coin is terrible, we know that) or two, Ethari not being there and Runaan not listening to whatever Ethari would want him to do (maybe not being upset with Rayla or angry at Callum?).

I just can't see an episode like "Moonless Night" ending on a good note for anyone while still having the name of the episode be earned unless we entirely go flashback heavy (Aaravos, Rayla's travels or whatever) or the Luna Tenebris heir route.

With that caveat in mind, I want to talk about what is the most likeliest reason behind "Moonless":

3) Aaravos and Callum

As stated before, the character most accordingly associated with the moon is Rayla. This association has become even more literal into arc 1. I think it's the association next to the Luna Tenebris one that makes the most sense.

While I could perhaps see a flashback or expansion on how she felt during her time away featuring into S6, I would question the validity of doing it at a location like the Starscraper where there is so much feasibly else to focus on in a very unique and special location where we're primed to be meeting new characters (possibly friends and foes from the celestial elves), getting lore drops, and stuff focused on Callum and Rayla's present emotional journeys. Something like that would make more sense on the way to the Starscraper where we're just killing travel time, the same way the S2 flashbacks were reserved for the two episodes where the kids are just stuck on a boat, or in S3 on the way to the Storm Spire.

The other thing that's worth noting is the way that Rayla is framed as the Moon in opposition to Aaravos' darkness. Callum worries he's on a dark path and Rayla reminds him that he can choose to take another way. Callum is gazing 'in darkness' at a Fallen Star and Rayla shows up haloed in light to literally turn him away from it. Like in 2x02, she's seen as the more positive, light side of the moon. And we know without a doubt that she will be at the Starscraper alongside her human fella. We know from S2 and S5 that Callum will go to "dark places" in order to help/protect her.

There's a few different ways this could play out. Maybe Rayla goes off on an agreed upon mini-quest to fetch something from Luna Tenebris' nearby heir to help free her parents, leaving Callum worried and alone at the Starscraper, and he's possessed in the interim. Maybe, as noted in Option 2), he frees her parents at great detriment to himself. Maybe she's threatened because the Celestial elves aren't that friendly or serve Aaravos.

If Callum only 'succumbs' to Aaravos' possessive / coercive control — a moonless night is total darkness — then the removal of light would be a reasonable step on the path to getting there. Threatening or fearing the loss of that light ("But the second you see that elf girl in pain, you completely lost yourself") in order to make it disappear, to let a "dark path" overtake Callum? It'd be a tragedy. It'd be moonless — and it would plunge Rayla's life into darkness as well, fearing that she might have to become the assassin both Runaan — as she carries his bow — and Callum — heart vs duty — have asked her to be.

Conclusion

Like I said, I think there are ways to overlap. Both Option #1 and Option #3 could be paired together if the heir puts Rayla at risk in her journey, or Option #2 and Option #3 if freeing the Moon Fam with all the coins' deep blood magic indicators are taken to the forefront (aka the symbol on the coins matching the symbol on Aaravos' book). It could be none of these things.

If 6x06 is indeed "Moment of Truth" as has been speculated, I'll assume de facto that 6x05 ends with Callum being possessed again (although again, the circumstances that lead to said event could take many paths) in order to nudge Rayla's arc ahead (whether Runaan is literally there or not, though I would probably lean towards yes and Option #2 for 6x05). It'll just be go go go plot and drama wise — and no matter what, I can't wait for it.

[thestrangestthing89]

Catching up on some of the behind the scenes stuff. My take on what we have seen so far...

Mike having a similar look to season 1 is so good for him. I think it shows he is more comfortable with himself. He's going back to his roots when he was the character everyone loved. So I think we will get a more authentic Mike and Paladin Mike back right off the bat.

I like the blue polo with the yellow collar. And it looks like his jacket is a little green in the video with him and El (like a sage green/greyish green color). It reminds me a bit of the color block polo he was wearing in S3 which makes me wonder if Will is going to have a matching one this season too.

Mike and El's relationship closely resembles Nancy and Steve's. El broke up with him with the From El letter and he knows this. I've written about this a lot so I'm not going to get into it here, but the fact that at the end of S4 shows a 2 day time jump and after this point Mike and El aren't even talking and they are rolling their eyes at each other is meant to indicate that something happened with them during that time jump that wasn't good.

The fact that S5 seems to pick up a couple years later (judging by El's hair) I think is further proof that they already filmed part of S5 back when they were doing S4. The part that picks up right where S4 ended I think was already done. So I think this is where we will get to see a clarification of what exactly happened during that 2 day jump and get confirmation that Mike and El broke up already.

Their relationship was defined as being immature and made both of them feel badly about themselves. They were already at a point where they wanted it over so there is no reason narratively why that needs to drag out over 2 years when neither of them is happy.

Especially considering Mike's new look where he is dressing more like himself. They have established for 2 seasons that Mike isn't himself when he is with El. So him acting more comfortable and looking more like himself all points to him and El having broken up a while ago. He had time to figure out what was authentic for him already over a time jump.

I think Mike and El's conversation has more to do with reestablishing a friendship. They didn't communicate well when they were in a relationship and El dismissed Mike's feelings a lot (the conversation about bullying being one of those times), so I think it's possible they drifted apart during the couple year jump because I think it's hard for Mike to trust her. I saw people comparing it to the train track conversation back in S1 and I think that's accurate. That conversation was meant to indicate the first time Mike started seeing her as a friend (even though they really didn't reach an understanding here the way he thought). But I think this time it actually will establish a real friendship in a way that was different than before.

I do think think it's likely Mike and Will are together at this point in the beginning of S5. But either way I think a lot of this conversation with El has to do with Mike telling her how he feels about Will and them being honest with each other for the first time.

Mike and El have very few one on one scenes together. I think I can count on one hand the amount of conversations they have had where it was just the two of them and a group wasn't around them. To me, this indicates that this conversation is actually important. Unlike a lot of their other conversations where they weren't communicating well or they weren't acting like themselves. But I think in keeping with the pattern the show has always had, this is likely the last one on one scene with them until the end of the season. They tend to not interact much in the middle of every season so I would be surprised if there was much more content with just the two of them.

This scene is very platonic just based on their body language. They aren't close or acting in any romantic way. And again, the fact that they seem comfortable indicates that they have had time to reflect on their relationship and heal from it. Mike is never comfortable around El in S3 or S4. He is never comfortable with her touching him or being close with her. So the fact that he is here, is further proof to me that it's already over. He isn't pretending anymore (I think he was done with this by the end of S4).

Another thing that makes me think they haven't spent much time together over a jump of a few years is Mike directly telling Will in S4 that he wished he spent less time with El and more with him. He already made the mistake of not spending time with Will and regretted it. He isn't going to do that again. So I think it's possible that he has been spending more time with Will to make up for it and ended up pulling away from El. And this conversation in S5 is meant to be an acknowledgement of that and the fact that he can have a romantic relationship with Will and a platonic one with El at the same time. Two people he has been struggling to have a relationship at the same time with since pretty much the beginning of the series.

Very curious to see what Will's look is because I don't think it's a bowl cut. I always thought that hairstyle was meant to indicate him holding on to his childhood and all of his trauma. If he has a new look I think it's a good hint that not only is he more comfortable with himself but that him and Mike are already together at the beginning of S5. The show has already established that the two of them are only comfortable with themselves when they are together. Mike being true to himself is a good thing. It shows he learned and grew from his immature behavior in the past few seasons. I would be surprised if Will's look doesn't indicate the same based on where his character arc left off at the end of S4.

[lover-of-mine]

I love hearing/reading your thoughts on all things 911 and Buddie … soooooooo …

What are your thoughts on the episode titles so far?

I think 8x03 No Place Like Home could see Bobby back at the 118. That or they really do the someone bumps their head and we get an AU type universe. Like the coma dream, minus the coma haha.

Hello baby 🩷

Okay, so, buzzkill, obviously the bees they've been hitting and Gerrard killing the vibe. Since we know the perfume launch is the pool emergency, I'm thinking about the sol de janeiro drama with the body butter that attracted spiders (unclear if it actually attracted spiders but it does make it for a nice plot for a drama) I'm assuming the perfume will attract bees and create problems, and as someone who unfortunately keeps attracting bugs, my perfumes are all fruit based, it's an actual problem lol, I hope I'm not right about that one because I hate calls with bugs lol, and the bees of it all is just a misdirect, like the blimp in s6, and we're going to get another major plotline probably more personal, like the Athena one following the blimp (fingers crossed for queer Eddie, but I like the madney wedding reception theories people have going around, let the Han throw a party, and I have henren theories), and no place like home, it feels too obvious but all cliffhanger points involve someone coming home, Henren getting Mara back, Chris wanting to come back, and Bobby getting the 118 back, so I'm betting we're getting at least 2 out of the 3, I don't see Gerrard lasting past the opening arc, so Bobby coming back, Mara going home, and maybe Chris giving some indication he wants to come home (I've been living in a buddie land where Eddie is questioning his relationship with Buck throughout the opening arc, since Eddie's queer arc makes more sense being about Buck, where they're having a moment, and Chris calls and says he wants to come back and Eddie kind of freezes, but Buck is moving around getting his keys and rushing to get out and he reaches the door before he notices Eddie is still in the same spot staring at his phone and Buck just goes "are you coming with me to go get him or are you just to stay there?" kinda teasing and Eddie is just staring at him like he's seeing him clearly for the first time before following him and the episode ends and we get something like 704 for Eddie's queer realization just because the show likes to mirror the 2 of them during 804, also because Buck is the only one who doesn't have a clear hook set up from s7 outside the Eddie and Chris of it all, so putting him in the resolution makes sense).

I keep going back to the 119 as a call to a set not an alternative reality, but I can see it being the thing with episode 2, because I'm more intrigued about the way we got the titles for episodes 1 and 3, but not for episode 2 and I don't know if you saw the way I was talking about the way s7 is structurally s2, there's even direct parallels visually from the scene with Gerrard to the scene where Bobby comes back in s2, so I keep going back to an arc that's going to work like the tsunami but follow s5 blackout rules, since s7 also has a lot of triggers that are similar to s4. Both sink or swim and desperate times have a certain intensity that I can see them trying to recreate and an alternative reality/coma dream/hallucination could be a way to add some that in. BUT there's the kid going missing aspect, and the council woman plot makes me 👀 at Denny. Because he's the only one of the kids who didn't have a major "I'm in serious danger" plot yet, May tried to kill herself and she also has the mayday plot, Chris was in the tsunami, Harry was kidnapped and closed into a wall, and I'm ignoring Jee because they wouldn't do that to a toddler. While he had the Eva plot, we know Eva wouldn't actually hurt him and he was unharmed during the lab explosion and with his father, and considering the amount of trauma they keep dumping on Chris and everything about Harry, they're not above hurting the kids and this is a situation that could bring Denny into the middle of the mess and the Mara storyline has a lot of opening to put henren in a similar position Buck was during the tsunami and Athena was during the blackout.

So, so far I'm thinking: Eddie questioning his relationship with Buck leading to a feeling realization because I don't think they'll make Eddie gay, I think they're just gonna have him acknowledge he's in love with Buck, Bobby and Athena dealing with the house burning down and getting Bobby back to the 118, Henren trying to get Mara back and maybe something happening to Denny to further that, and parallel to that, the Mara plot triggering a Madney second kid plot. I'm also thinking maybe they can use madneys backyard in the same way they used to use the Grant Nash one and have madney throwing a party. Is it a wedding reception? Is it celebrate Bobby coming back? The adoption going through? Who knows. And getting a parallel to May's graduation party where Madney leaves because Maddie figures out she might be pregnant with Buck and Eddie leaving to go get Chris in a similar vision like the one described up there.

[kazisgirlfriend]

Like Aunt, Like Nephew

I happened across @raayllum's meta here about Callum and Amaya, and certainly raises a few really interesting points about them that I wanted to touch on. Most notably, it demonstrates how their overall differences really stem from a simple difference in overall experience - at the end of the day, Amaya has potentially years if not decades of experience on a teenager Callum. So, when there are similarities between Callum and Amaya, they are as frequently about who Amaya WAS as much as who Amaya IS.

However, differences in experience do not negate parallels between characters. Just as Runaan is far more experienced than Rayla, that fact alone does not diminish the very clear parallels she has with her father figure. Similarly, the differences between Callum and Amaya do ultimately come down to a level of experience.

Prejudice

Callum and Amya's contrast in prejudice actually demonstrate how their level of experience influence their differences. Amaya had spent years at the breach, which solidified distrust and even hatred that she had towards elves ("I've slain monsters before").

Callum's prejudice, while relatively muted, is still there. Not only does he assume Rayla drinks blood, he initially refers to as a "creature" in the novelization, and later amends to thinking she's "one of the good ones."

As a sidenote, it's important not to dismiss Callum's prejudices as mere "misconceptions" simply because they are less intense. TDP is ultimately a story about overcoming prejudice, which is something that Callum does quicker than Amaya does. But this is ultimately the result of his prejudices being borne out of a lack of exposure rather than years of war like Amaya. Amaya has had years to let her prejudices fester, while Callum's simple ignorance gets dispelled rather quickly. But both Callum and Amaya demonstrate admirable open-mindedness in overcoming personal biases, even if at different paces.

The Test of Light

The other comparison is between how Amaya handles her test of light in 3x02 vs. how Callum handles his "test" in 5x08. This, I admit, was a peculiar test since whatever situation Callum was faced with in s5, it had nothing to do with purity. It was not a test of light.

Instead, Callum faced his test of light in s3, when he rode the Twin-Tailed Inferno-Tooth Tiger.

A creature that can sense the purity of one's heart (much like Pharos' staff), and a creature that Callum rode.

Instead the test that Callum faced in 5x08 was a test of darkness. Facing down his own dark side, and ultimately emerging triumphant, signified by the narrative rewarding Callum with the Ocean Arcanum.

Framing Callum's test as a defeat stems from a simplistic view of light and darkness as mutually exclusive. In truth, light and darkness exist in all of us, even heroes. Callum's realization that he contains complexities beyond his understanding is integral to his arc, not a failure. Everyone has a dark side, and it is this realization, that Callum has a part of himself he can neither fully understand nor control, that leads Callum to reach a breakthrough with the Ocean Arcanum. His eventual triumph would not be framed as such if he did not face this shadow side.

But as this lesson is one that is wholly irrelevant to s3, it raises the question as to why should we compare these two moments across two seasons at all. And the reason is that, if we were to compare the actual parallels this season, find that Callum and Amaya--as they both charge in to save their loved ones--are not so different at all.

In the end, their nuanced journeys demonstrate how light and darkness can coexist within us all. Comparing dissimilar tests obscures this meaningful complexity that makes both characters human. The distinction lies in understanding, not judgment.

Stronger Together

While Amaya's lesson to Rayla about being stronger together vs. alone is important, the reason this conversation never comes up between Amaya and Callum is because Callum already knows this. It is yet another similarity that he has with his aunt.

Even after the tribulations of 5x08, Callum is still the one to insist that the trio does everything together. Akiyu gave the group only one amulet, meaning that only Callum can theoretically go underwater after the pearl. In spite of this, Callum takes it upon himself to reverse-engineer the amulet to create magical gills for all of them. Far from insisting he should be strong alone, Callum acknowledges--much like Amaya did--that they are stronger together.

The writers convey Callum already comprehending Amaya's lesson through his own actions, rather than needing the moral spelled out for him. It's a great example of showing rather than telling. This creative choice highlights the strong unspoken bond and understanding between aunt and nephew.

The Canon of It All

Challenging the notion that Callum and Amaya are especially similar is a peculiar undertaking, given that the show spends a large amount of time highlighting their similarities.

I could show all the similarities between Callum and Amaya throughout the series, but rather than dragging out the meta any further, all I and anyone else have to do is merely point to the fact that their similarities are called out by the show itself. If the narrative is indicating its significance, then it's significant. Rather than denying the undeniable, it is more constructive to examine why this relationship is highlighted and what significance it may hold for future story developments.

After all, the writers make a concerted effort to draw connections between Callum and Amaya across multiple scenes and story arcs. Questioning why such focused narrative choices exist will likely offer more meaningful insights into their characters and bond. Challenging textual evidence risks missing the forest for the trees. If the show itself calls attention to a theme, then clearly it carries weight. The deeper question is what purpose these parallels serve in the broader storytelling. Their interconnected journeys likely foreshadow an integral joint role to come.

Conclusion - What does this all mean?

It's very rare for one to write a meta around the argument that the story beats and similarities audiences are noticing are actually not important, especially when the show itself expressly calls out these similarities and story beats in such a prolific way. So that really raises the question - what is this all about? What is the motivation behind the argument that fans are wrong for noticing the things the show explicitly draws attention to?

At the end of the day, what motivates disagreements about whether Callum is like Amaya isn't about objective scoreboard-tallying. After all, Callum's s5 parallels with Viren are only held together by one single utterance of "I'd do anything for X" from each of them in very different contexts and that hasn't deterred many folks.

Instead, it is an issue of bias. As I mentioned before, there is a certain stereotype about characters with nerdy interests, and Callum has been no exception. He's a human mage, and so it's frequently assumed that the only "proper" comparisons he can have are with other human mages like Claudia and Viren (which also leads to his depictions as morally dubious, since the only other human mages we've seen are morally dubious ones).

He also starts out the series as "bad at everything" and a bit clumsy. Rather than realizing he's simply insecure and inexperienced, the argument goes that actually his ineptitude is innate to his character. He's scrawny, weak, a pushover, someone who belongs on the sidelines and with his nose in his sketchbook. Unlike the strong, brave, tough, capable warriors like Sarai, Amaya, Soren, Rayla, and so on.

But when seasons 4 and 5 rolled out, when it was revealed that Callum was far from a pushover--that he is strong, talented, confident, tough, and brave--along with the explicit comparisons between him and Amaya, most fans I think realized and recognized who Callum really is now. But a few instead doubled-down, and saw the parallels between Callum and Amaya (which, again--cannot stress this enough--are called out by the show directly) as a threat to this initial takeaway back in s1.

Assumptions about "proper" character archetypes or stereotypes around nerdy, awkward characters can cause some to overlook Callum's growth. But his strengths as a mage do not preclude similarities to a warrior like Amaya. Wells-rounded characters defy singular boxes.

But that's neither here nor there. The most pertinent question here is not whether, but why the show so explicitly calls out Callum's similarities with Amaya. My guess is that it has something to do with seasons 6 and 7, about the kind of person Callum will become. That it has something to do with why Callum, despite Aaravos' insistence, is not destined to play right into his hands.

But that is a story for another time ;)

Postscript - Viren and Amaya

As a sidenote, there was some stuff about the ways Viren and Amaya were similar that I found interesting. Haven't forgotten about that, and wanted to address it, but I'll do that separately as I don't want to drag out this meta beyond what's reasonable.

[harrowharkwife]

the transcript for 615 isn't out yet so my sleuthing abilities are somewhat limited but i cannot believe how heavyhanded they were last night! about not only the running theme of eddie & time, but also the running theme of buck & luck.

we clocked (ha) the eddie & time theme awhile back, but if you rewatch s5&s6, there's a running theme of luck, too, and it's centered squarely around buck. it's a little quieter, sure, but it's absolutely there.

something about the way that eddie's root traumas all stem from the pressure he was under, this persistent pressure to grow up faster than he should have. an hourglass turned over and the sand running out, minutes and seconds falling grain by grain from cradle to grave. man of the house by age twelve, a husband and father and soldier by nineteen, a widow by twenty six. he's lived a remarkable amount of life in a remarkably short time, if you think about it. but he never had the time or the chance to point his life in a new direction, stuck on a set of predetermined tracks and speeding milestone to milestone through a life of inevitable conclusions and preset outcomes he never had the chance to choose, living his life for others instead of for himself, feeling like he's running out of time, like his window of opportunity to live authentically for himself is slipping out of reach. he's spent his whole life racing the clock, really- can i just get a little damn time?

something about the way that buck's root traumas all stem from this tumbling domino effect of misfortune, one stroke of horrible, tragic, no-good luck after another. daniel's leukemia, strike one. neither maddie nor margaret nor phillip being a match, one helluva strike two. baby buck's bone marrow graft, just...not taking, despite everything? strike three. he was born to be a 'miracle baby.' but that's the funny thing about miracles, isn't it? when you try to engineer them, all the luck runs out. so he grew up unlucky in love, unlucky in friends, unlucky in family. feeling, rightly or wrongly, like he was always the odd man out, always the one being left, always the one clinging to whatever good, bright, shiny, lucky little thing he can find, forever trying to make sense of his place in this world. of course he feels like he cheated death- in a sick, sad, tragic way, he was essentially born in a desperate attempt to cheat the looming spectre of daniel's. (of course it's understandable that parents will do anything in their power to save their child, of course the buckley parents should have gone about it better, these two things can coexist). when your life so far has been a series of unfortunate events, of course you're going to spend it chasing down every opportunity you see through your rose colored glasses to try and change that luck- even if it's too good to be true. even when the universe is screaming at you. even with a million red flags waving in the Santa Ana winds. it's a run of bad luck, but it'll turn around tomorrow. // feels like the bracelet didn't change her luck, it just made the bad luck more apocalyptic.

something about one in a million chances. something about beating the odds, surviving despite it all. something about the way that the tsunami AND the shooting AND the lighting strike are all the definition of simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

something about jinxes, and curses, and dumb luck. 'cause what is fate, anyway, if not time and luck intertwined?

now feels like a good time to remind ourselves of the last words buck and eddie exchanged before the shooting. before the moment where everything changed.

eddie: should have gotten here sooner.

buck: nah, that kid's just lucky to have met you.

something about all those funny little sayings we have about love - right person, wrong time (abby?). right time, wrong person (ali?). wrong person, wrong time (taylor?).

(only took three tries to get it right.)

and then maybe, finally, when the timing is right, if you get a little lucky-

right time, right person. and so much love.

[dotthings]

All right, here's the spn 5.18 rewatch Dean and Cas brainrot.

And this was only near the beginning of where that story's going to go!!

As Dean breaks, so shall Cas break. They're so entangled here and it's heartwrenching. Both of them have been moving towards despair most of S5, mirroring each other, both of them losing faith. Dean's losing faith in his brother, Cas losing faith in his father, Cas finds a liquor store and he drinks it, Cas losing faith in Dean is what makes Cas finally snap and temporarily go out of his mind.

The beatdown in the alley is exactly the wrong way for Cas to go about things, and that was the point. I can't cheer Cas on, and Dean didn't deserve that. It wasn't the way to reach Dean.

But I can feel how tragic this is. Seeing Cas spin out and break, and he has no precedent on how to handle the emotions coursing through him, he's still a semi-feral cosmic being, full of hurt and disappointment and anger. Cas's feelings are valid...but that doesn't mean every demonstration of anger is the right thing. While Dean is sinking into despair and we know he's feeling that he's disappointed Cas.

There's a bit of a Bobby parallel too--not that Bobby goes to the extremes Cas goes to. But Bobby's words as he snaps at Dean and tries to guilt him about giving up, is also a wrong approach with Dean. It's Bobby leaning on Dean so hard to be the repository of his hope, the keeper of his faith, and it's what Cas does too, and both lash out at Dean in different ways. So we can talk about Cas has a lot to learn and a lot more to go, and he does, I'm not saying Bobby is like Cas, but pointing out that even a middle-aged compassionate human with lots of experience with feelings like Bobby is imperfect. As is Dean. And Sam. And that's one of the show's long running themes.

I will point out Cas is holding back. Given his power levels what he does in that alley is incredibly dangerous, but the fact that he's snapping and yet will not actually do grievous lasting hurt to Dean. He never forgets who Dean is, he's dealing with all these feelings, hurt and disappointment, but not so far gone he forgets. And then he uncurls his fist.

Cas never does anything like that again, except when he is literally being mind-controlled, by a magic spell or angel brainwashing. S5 is the one and only time Cas lands a fist on Dean of his own volition. And let's not forget how Sam and Dean strike each other, of their own volition.

The Dean and Cas dynamics in this ep are also so utterly unhinged, from both sides.

"I gave everything for you and this is what you give me" actual canonical dialogue!!!

And Dean, who is lashing out at everyone he's close to in this episode, in different ways, with Cas he chooses a sexual taunt, he chooses to mock Cas flirtatiously.

"Well Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid" and then he winks. And it's not a reassuring wink, or a brotherly wink, it's a full on saucy come-on kind of wink. And the way Cas glowers at him and shuts the panic room door!!!!

Also when Dean kills Zach, he does it with an angel blade, which he would have gotten from Cas. And that after the alleyway, Cas tells Dean in calm words, that his faith in Dean has faltered, instead of doing it with violence. It stings, but it's progress, and he is there, standing with Dean, despite Cas's claims of losing faith, and risks himself to disperse the angels so Sam and Dean can rescue Adam.

This ep is some raw, emotional Dean and Cas and it's one of the Kripke era eps that rewired my brain on that relationship, like The End.

[kradogsrats]

oh hey out of nowhere it's 1500 words of Claudiangst, possibly some kind of spiritual sequel to that Viren one from pre-s5

—

Claudia sits on a stone beside the Sea of the Castout, and sharpens her knife.

It’s not quite dawn, and the coming morning promises to be bright and clear—she can almost imagine that it’s just another sunrise in Xadia, and the last few days were a terrible and confusing dream. Maybe even the whole month. The ruined stump below her knee, radiating the dull, persistent ache that was as far as she could reduce the pain with what she had in her satchel, destroys the shelter of that fantasy.

The repeated motion of the blade against stone helps a bit, like her calming mantra once did. There is no synonym for cinnamon, there is no synonym for cinnamon—every stroke a little sharper, a little clearer, a little more deliberate. The soft lapping of the waves against the shore might have done the same, once.

She’d almost drowned. Without the potion, her shifted form hadn’t lasted. She’d kicked desperately toward the surface with one leg while bitter seawater and blood rushed into her lungs. When she finally broke the surface, choking and exhausted, it took everything she had just to stay afloat. There was no way she could swim to shore—only drift, watching the sky slowly darken. At some point, the tears came, hot on her sea-chilled face. By the time she washed up on the rocky beach, she’d been incoherent with pain and grief.

The transformation was also the only thing that kept her from bleeding out—her pentapus limbs fusing back together as they returned to human form had mostly closed the wound. Terry had stripped her out of her soaked clothes and wrapped her in a blanket, her body shivering uncontrollably from cold and shock. He’d bound her leg where it was still oozing blood, and he and Sir Sparklepuff fretted over her late into the night as she alternated between chills and feverish delirium.

She holds the blade up to examine it in the pre-dawn gloom, tilting it to catch whatever light it can. It’s a good knife, slim and elegant and curved. It has always been, ever since she found it on the body of a Sunfire elf while picking through the abandoned battlefield. It's far from the least useful thing she's harvested from the dead.

Still, it's not sharp enough. For now.

Wracked with sorrow and fear and pain, she barely slept an hour. But she dreamed.

She'd been back at the center of the sea, standing above it as if it was no more than a puddle. The surface below her was smooth as glass, perfectly reflecting the sky overhead—so overflowing with stars that she couldn't tell if it was night or day. Blood seeped slowly from her leg and dripped into the dark water, lurid in the harsh light, ripples spreading out of sight.

Aaravos’s voice came to her, echoing from every direction. Soft as a whisper, but vibrating through her bones like thunder. We are all stardust, bound together only by love.

She spun, foolishly hoping to see him there. If she could just plead her case to him—she could do better. She would do better. She'd been foolish, thinking her old friends would understand her. Sentimental. She wouldn't make the same mistake again.

There was no one. She was alone between twin tapestries of stars, indistinguishable save for the red ripples that faintly disturbed the one below.

Someone once thought those words would comfort me. Do they comfort you?

“No,” she said. Her voice cracked. “They don’t.”

I thought not. Soft laughter, the kind of indulgent chuckle where it was impossible to tell if you were being laughed with or at—not cruel, but indisputably superior. They did not comfort me either, but I can give you something that might.

Her mouth trembled, eyes burning. She wanted so badly to be wrong, for him to have lied to her, for there to somehow be another chance. “You already said there's no way to bring him back a second time.”

All that could hold him here is cut loose. He is beyond your reach, now.

She couldn't stop her tears, but gulped in a breath and held it to keep from sobbing. It was her fault. She had failed. If she’d only—

If Ezran had just told her where the prison was—

If Callum hadn’t been so stubborn about bringing the baby Archdragon to Xadia—

If Soren had would have killed the elf back when she'd feigned sleep in that stupid, beautiful moonlit garden—if she'd made him, instead of indulging his stupid, childish sense of sportsmanship and honor—everything would be different. Everything would be fine.

She should have realized then that her brother wasn't on her side. Not really. Not like she'd been on his. Not like she'd always been on their family's side. She'd thought he loved her. She'd thought Callum had loved her, or at least liked her. Even Ezran had abandoned her, now. Everyone was gone. She only had Terry.

But I am not.

And Aaravos.

She breathed, shuddering inhales and exhales as she wiped at her face with her sleeve. "What do you want?"

I'm not the one you should be asking. Search your heart, child—there is still something you want very badly. Something that, with my help, lies within your grasp. If you are strong enough to take it.

She would already have everything she wanted, if she hadn't—if Callum and Ezran and that elf hadn't gotten in the way. If the boys she'd once thought of as her best friends hadn't left her for dead, choking and and bleeding and alone in open water. She'd done a lot of things she wasn't proud of—but she would never do that. Not to someone she cared about. They should have known she wouldn't actually hurt Ez.

She still didn't want to hurt him. Not much.

Callum, though—Callum she wouldn't mind hurting. The elf she'd cheerfully tear apart with her bare hands.

The sky continues to lighten, and she holds up the knife again. It's sharp now, like new—it will cut swift and clean. Traveling Xadia for two years, she'd learned a lot. How sharp a blade had to be, the amount of strength it took to sink it deep enough, where and how to cut. Back in Katolis, it had once sickened her to put her hands around a fawn's fragile neck to save her brother. She'd cried with frustration and shame as she struggled, trying to ignore the creature's panicked bleats and thin, flailing legs. Now, she could cut its throat before it even realized what was happening. Ruthlessly. Mercifully.

It can still be better. She returns to the stone.

Fortunately, you already have something that can give you that strength.

Aaravos had told her what to do. Then she'd been plunged into the blood-red water below her, dragged down into the darkness. She'd fought, reaching toward the receding surface, but she was so deep she couldn't even see the light from the sky. As her strength and breath ran out, everything fading away into a soft, endless black, she thought she felt the brush of fingers against her own.

Sir Sparklepuff had been crouched beside her when she started awake, pawing at her as he stared down into her face from the dark. "Blood!" he croaked, scampering away when she sat up. "Blood, blood of child, bloodied child!"

The eastern sky was beginning to pale by the time she'd dragged herself into her clothes and mixed herself something to bring the pain of her leg down to bearable levels. She'd levered herself upright with her staff, hobble-hopping to a nearby rock. The rocky sand shifted under her with each step, only the staff and her own desperation keeping her from falling. If she went down, she wasn't sure if she'd be able to get up again.

She finally collapsed on the rock, chest heaving with effort from having crossed barely ten paces of beach. Aaravos was right—between exhaustion, pain, and blood loss, she wouldn't be going anywhere without a boost.

Her eyes fell on Terry, a little line of worry creased between his brows even as he slept, snoring lightly. He cared for her so much it made her heart hurt, but so had Callum and Ezran, once. Now she saw that he would only ever hold her back. If she still had those coins, Moonshadow elf would be in the palm of her hand. Even tossing them into the lava beneath Umber Tor, though a waste, might have broken her enough to disrupt whatever sway she held over the boys.

It will be best for both of them for her to leave him behind. Maybe he'll hurt for a while, but he won't see how cruel she can be. How cruel she will be, once she catches up with her prey. Let him remember loving a girl who still hesitated.

The first glimmers of sunlight peek over the horizon, and Sparklepuff is at her side. He gazes up at her adoringly, head resting against her good leg, the pale violet stretch of his throat exposed. The blade is heavy in her hand.

Claudia's knife won't get any sharper. She cuts swift and clean.

[skylaryozora]

Power of Silence: Musa's Voice Loss Arc in Season 6

While rewatching Season 6 and getting to the episodes where Musa loses her voice due to Rumpelstiltskin, following Selina's command, I couldn't help but wonder if there might be a deeper meaning to this particular arc.

It's often said that when you lose something very important to you—whether it's your health, a loved one, or your fortune—only then you're likely to gain a new perspective on life. Events like these force you to take the time to reflect, become more perceptive, and reorganize your priorities.

In Musa's case, her voice, described as powerful and rare in nature, along with her perfect pitch I imagine, is likely something she can't imagine her life without. I dare say these two complement her as a human and a fairy. When she loses her voice, she's quite devastated, and feels vulnerable. However, she still manages to conduct an orchestra and create a magic shield powerful enough to protect her school, so it's obvious she can still thrive without being able to speak.

The voice loss arc turns out to be crucial for Musa and Riven. First, let me quote what Riven said:

Riven: Musa, that was incredible! I mean it! Even without a voice, you put on the most amazing concert. You saved Alfea. I just wish I could be half as remarkable as you. I wasn't able to save your voice, and I couldn't be there for you once it was gone. You deserve better. (...) Musa, there's something I've been meaning to get off my chest. I'm supposed to be there for you every day, to support you and protect you as a Specialist and as your boyfriend. But right now, I'm just not capable of doing either one of those things. (S6, EP23)

What I'd like to emphasize is that I can imagine Musa would have interrupted Riven right away in the past, expressing her unwillingness to see him or something. However, now she can't do that, and she's somewhat compelled to listen to what he's saying. This situation forces her to pause and listen attentively, gaining a deeper understanding of Riven's sentiments. Additionally, Riven might feel it's his opportunity to speak and convey his feelings, now that he has a chance to be heard. In this moment it's his turn to fill the silence with something he has to say. And what he says is connected to how he currently feels about himself as well:

Riven to Sky: I give up. You will always be the leader of the Specialists. And I will always be runner-up. (...) It's not just this match, Sky. No matter how hard I try, or how close I get, I always come up short. If I don't change something, I'll never reach the top. (S6, EP23)

Riven to Musa: I guess I just have to figure out a way to be a hero to myself, if that makes sense. You always got me, Musa. (S6, EP23)

I must confess, I was moved when Riven mentioned that he needed to find a way to be a hero to himself. This single line serves as further evidence of his internal struggle, where his ambitions clash with the deep-seated issues of low self-esteem and an inferiority complex. It seems that witnessing his girlfriend lose something precious, and being powerless to help her, became a breaking point for him. In the private moment they share, he admits that he is far from being the person he aspires to be—not just for her but for himself as well. This revelation underscores the depth of trust he places in her. He can reveal his vulnerability when Musa's around, so there is a profound beauty in that scene.

Despite the numerous plot absurdities, with the season feeling very disconnected from S5 or S4 as if the previous seasons never happened, and acknowledging that the arc itself could have been explored more effectively (I won't delve into the entire portrayal of Rivusa in Season 6 and its issues), the core concept of Musa losing her voice was still commendable and essential in my opinion.

[ssahopelessly]

gonna need this in a fic now ma'am (respectfully)

https://www.tumblr.com/ssahopelessly/720685489891540993/hey-everyone-not-that-it-matters-but-i-gotta

Link referenced here! And without further ado…

Pushed Back

Synopsis: Reader has a fear of Spencer’s forehead and it finally comes out.

Warnings: the 100-30 rule, couple cuddles, fear for loss of future, anxiety, angst, guilt, talks of physical appearance, reference to S5, reference to Mean Girls (2004), reference to S12 prison arc, talks of aging, crying / let me know any I missed!

Word Count: 2.1k

Masterlist

It was as close to a normal night as we could come by lately. While Spencer had found the new contingency to his work at the bureau restraining at times, I was just happy to know that for at least 30 nights, he would be home, safe and sound with me. And tonight was thankfully one of those nights.

It was still a work night for him though, as the local college had agreed to let him host a series of speaking engagements for the month. A crash course on Criminal Psychology and the Implications of Danger in a Digital World. A series he had given before but one he was still thrilled to speak on. Somehow though, he had found himself absolutely tired by the time he stepped into our home, immediately crawling onto the couch before even taking off his suit jacket for the evening. For as uncomfortable as I thought he would be, the pure bliss and state of relaxation smoothed over his face calmed any of my anxieties and as he laid between my legs, his back to my chest, I couldn’t help but run my fingers through his hair, combing it away from his face so maybe he could fall into sleep without a whisp tickling his skin. “I know what you’re doing.” He soon mumbled out, settling further into my body.

“What is that?” My hands didn’t stop, but his eyes soon opened to look up in an effort to try and find me.

“You’re trying to get me to fall asleep.” A smile spread over my lips at my Tired Genius Boyfriend and the way he seemed to keep up with my antics.

“Is it working?”

“Almost.” I couldn’t help but hear the hum he let out, one of his hands blindly reaching for one of my mine. With the only hand I had left, I let a finger start curling a small strand around itself, thinking how soft his hair felt then. It was one of the moments I wanted to keep forever. To stay there on that couch with him, safe and sound between my legs in a state of rest. One of the moments I would call upon the next 100 nights where he would be gone and cell phone unresponsive at night due to a case. But just as the hair slipped between my fingers, I could almost feel our future slip away. I tried to hide away the anxious train of thoughts that would start, and so far he seemed none the wiser. I let my finger twirl that strand as I tried to slow the thoughts, but I had been locked out from the conductor's box.

I tried not to think of how he hated the 100-30 policy but it was my saving grace. How every time his phone would ring, it felt one more ring closer to the end of it all. How I had once been scared of our future but now knew it was the one thing I was ready to fight for after so many had tried already to take it from us. How I wanted to see us grow old together, surrounded by the lives we built for the other. How at one point, I was scared the oldest I would see him age to was 35 and he would be forever stuck as he was in those terrible mugshots. One of the mugshots having been a thing made of my absolute fears and nightmares. The most epitomal nightmare fuel. “What are you thinking?”

“Hm?” I realised then, as his voice had tore through my anxieties and stopped that train, ripping daylight into that endless forest, that my hands had ceased fiddling, and if he was falling asleep, it was no more due to the sudden stop of my motions.

“That hand stopped while this hand,” he squeezed my one hand he hadn’t let go of, “has been straining my fingers for the last 37 seconds.” His amber eyes tried to look up at me then, albeit still upside down, but still at me. And while normally I would find comfort in them, I was scared to look in them. Scared he might see a brewing guilt in my iris. Somehow, he twisted his body from me and up so that he could sit next to me, all before moving my legs to drape over his lap. It was his turn now to move calming strokes over my skin, or in this case, a ghost of a feather touch to one of my ankles. It would’ve been as cold as his skin if not for the way the simplest touch always sent a current of electricity through the cells that dwelled at the sight. “What is it?” He cut through the dark again, his voice a calming clarity to the storm. But as they tried to rage on, I could only remember one thing. That stupid mugshot.

And then I realised how vain it must’ve sounded. How after all this time he might reconsider everything if I let this one sentence out. I was overthinking again. “You won’t hate me for saying this right?”

“What? You thought about dying my gray hairs again?” I tried not to laugh but gosh dang it if I hadn’t already let slip my silly concerns for the superficial points of our lives. “Tell me.”

“Years ago…” the eyes that only offered me comfort in the most chaotic of moments still held their own. His bottom lip had slipped slightly under his top as he waited for my words. Reaching for the hand not on my ankle, I began playing with our fingers again. “I used to have the biggest fear of your forehead.” The absolute smile that plastered itself to his lips took over his expression, his eyes crinkling in the corner as he somehow found something to be amused by in my statement.

“My forehead?” He asked through a breath, trying to suppress his laughter but it was already infectious, a chuckle slipping from my lips before the anxieties returned. “What’s wrong with my forehead?” He asked incredulously.

“Forget it.” Spencer tried to pull me closer then and try as I might, I was not as strong as him. He had successfully pulled me into his chest so I was not only forced to look up at him amidst my confession, but we were also now in a 180 of the position this had all started with. The back of his middle finger ran up my cheek bone in a soothing motion as his eyes continued to bore into me.

“Tell me? Please?” The hand that didn't let go of mine had pulled it to his lips so he could kiss it whilst whispering, “What’s wrong with my forehead.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your forehead!” I tried to explain without digging into my anxieties.

“Are you just scared of the brain it’s protecting?”

“You can’t be serious-“ I had started to roll my eyes, attempting to push him off of me. I still wasn’t nearly as strong.

“Then tell me!” He squeezed my hand then, trying to reassure me that anything I could say was worth his concern too.

“I was scared of a lot of things.” I had started, trying to ease into it. Moving my eyes away from his, I found a spot on the ceiling to focus on while our fingers fiddled with the other again. “I have this thing with receding hairlines, that dates back to middle school really.”

“Are you saying I have a receding hairline?”

“Hush.” He placed a gentle kiss to my forehead, and I tried once more to say what I wanted. But my eyes got caught on a photo of us from years ago. It was months after I had started at the bureau, and just after he got off the crutches and cane, he had somehow let me convince him to get a haircut. His hair was so short back then. But his style at the time perfectly covered the subject at hand. “You know in Mean Girls, the movie?”

“Sure?” It was a classic and I had tried many times to get him to watch it, but he always had more fun stopping the movie to either point out inaccuracies or discuss how certain elements of torment and bullying in a school environment could actually have devastating effects on the adolescent psyche.

“Well, Regina George at one point is taunting Cady, telling her to tell her boyfriend and Cady’s crush that his hair looks sexy pushed back.” I watched as his jaw opened, waiting for his response to spill out as his mind tried to remember the events.

“Okay?” Was all he seemed able to say.

“Well… for a time… your hair was not sexy pushed back.”

“Wait- for a time?” Body rolling myself over, I took to sitting criss crossed between his legs now, both of us leveled with the other. That way, no look we could offer could be misconstrued or not seen. That way, he could see me as I got to the next part. “What do you mean?”

“Years ago, sometime around prison, I really hated your forehead. Not for a receding hairline, not even for your beautiful brain.” Our hands were still except for his thumb rubbing comforting circles into the surface. “I hated your forehead for the wrinkles that had started to form. For the reminder that our youth was behind us and we were older and-“ the words were spilling out and it was only with the sudden tears that had started to form and pressure to my airway that I had stopped.

“And?” He tried to prompt me with a sense of hope in his eyes. Concern was also there, but I would never stop seeing the hope.

“And for the fear it showed me. Fear that we wouldn’t get to grow older. That-“ The moment a tear broke loose, Spencer didn’t let it travel far, the pad of his thumb immediately wiping it away. “That our lives could’ve ended in that courtroom. That you would grow old behind those prison bars and I wouldn’t be there to marvel or adore those silly little lines that started forming on your forehead. That somehow, the universe that never seemed to let you rest had succeeded in taking you from me.” My words caught in my throat again as sobs had started to rack my body. Spencer was quick to pull me into his chest, this time giving my tears a place to land against the heathered material. A soothing hand moved up and down my back and the sense of it all reminded me once how my parents would try to calm me. They had lost their magic touch before I had grown to know his, but this was something Spencer would always be great at.

My breathing started to match his movements and soon enough the cries had stopped as my face remained nestled against his neck. My hands had slipped under the jacket though, finding their home joined together on the small of his back. I gave his body one squeeze before a hand had slipped under my chin, gently trying to bring it out so my attention may be redirected toward him. With an ever gentle kiss to my forehead, Spencer ran his thumb along my cheekbone again, a slight moisture having gathered in his stare. “The universe could never take me from you. I wouldn’t allow it.” I wanted to argue. To tell him he could not make a deal with universal fate but something told me it would be a fruitless effort. “I’m not in prison anymore.”

“I know.” Was what I said instead, finding the strength once again to look into his eyes. “And I’m not scared of your forehead anymore.” Running my fingers through his hair, I smiled at the sight. “I don’t even hate it.”

“Tell me,” he started before using one of his own hands to push his hair away from his hairline. “Does my hair look sexy pushed back?” It was his best impression of the quote earlier, said with almost the same breathiness and cadence to match. I smiled then as my hands moved to the sides of his head, bringing his forehead closer to me so I could kiss the surface. My lips lingered in an effort to whisper a wordless proclamation of love before his hands found mine again, his head rising so he could look at me one last time.

“Yes. Your hair looks sexy pushed back.” I couldn’t help the laughter that filled my lungs and forced its way out, soon inhaled into his lungs and taking over him. Arms moving to secure around me, he pulled me into a hug before somehow wrestling our bodies to lay with the other on the couch.

I could’ve stayed in that moment forever. With Spencer safe around me, knowing the universe could not come for us on that couch. Not that night.

-

Thank you for reading!

Originally writter: June 20, 2023

I would leave a link to my asks box but it seems to be broken. 😔

[catt-leya]

Touch Me Pt.1 || Rick Grimes

First I wish @toxic-ink a wonderful birthday and love to post the fic you asked for 💗💗💗

I've been asked before for a fic with more than one part and here we have it 👉🏼👈🏼 I don't know yet how many it will be in the end, but you can count on a small series 👀

(I won't just post the fic though, I'll keep throwing in other fics 💅🏼)

Summary: You meet a group in the forest and learn what it means to meet Rick there. (S5)

I try to breathe regularly and not to stumble over some protruding roots as I make the sprint of my life.

Hectically I take a look back and fortunately I can't see him anymore, which doesn't mean that he might not reappear in a moment.

Again and again I dodge hanging branches until I can recognize a group of hopefully living people between the bushes. Briefly I stop and hear them talking softly, so they must be alive.

I realize that they must not be good people and I can really get myself into shit, but when I hear it crack behind me, I don't think any further and break through the bushes.

I am still a few meters short of the group and I notice most of them pointing guns at me.

I aim at the person closest to me and get over another meter gasping, "Help me please."

The fact that I can speak is the sign that I am not a living corpse, and the guy I throw myself at is so surprised that he drops the rifle in his hand and I pull him to the ground with me.

We both hit the ground thudding and the impact squeezes the air out of his lungs, but he catches himself surprisingly quickly and spins me around so that I'm lying pressed on the ground underneath him and I'm already regretting showing myself to the group until I look to the side and also see women in the group who don't look like they're being forced to be here.

Every woman I can make out is carrying weapons and one guy even stands protectively in front of a young woman.

The guy above me barks, "Daryl! Go see where she came from!"

A man with longer hair breaks away from the group and walks with a woman through the bushes where I ran through.

As they disappear, I look for the first time at the guy I picked up in my sprint.

With his weight he presses me to the ground so I can't move much more than my head and geez, probably would have been better if I couldn't look at him.

His face is extremely close to mine due to the interesting position and I can feel his breath on my lips. Although his mouth distracts me a bit, my eyes are fixed on his eyes.

In this dreary world, they seem far too blue and I have to blink several times before I can break away from his face and look down his body instead.

He kneels over my hip and presses my wrists firmly to the floor with his hands. Surprisingly, while he holds me firmly in place, he doesn't hurt me in the process.

I don't know how long we stare at each other silently, but in the background I hear this Daryl guy come back with the woman and says, "Don't know what the lady was running from, but there's nothing there."

Still staring at the guy above me, Daryl mutters, "Rick?"

Now I at least have a name to go with the handsome face, but still can't bring myself to say a word. Rick doesn't respond to his buddy either, which is why Daryl kicks him lightly in the leg and says, "Dude, what's up?"

This seems to snap Rick out of his thoughts and he hisses, turning to me, "You got any guns on you?"

When I used to read novels, I always wondered what the authors could possibly mean by bedroom voice, and now I'm pretty sure I get it, what they mean. That smoky undertone of his makes me sigh softly, but I bite my lower lip just in time to not come across as a complete idiot and answer truthfully, "Two knives on my thighs."

Hesitantly, he lets go of one of my hands and reaches for my thigh.

I completely blame it on the fact that it's been a long time since I've seen a man I found as attractive as the one above me, but my whole body reacts as his hand strokes my thigh and he removes both knives from their holders and hands them to Daryl before asking, "No guns?"

I shake my head, not really expecting him to believe me. I wouldn't believe me either.

That's why I don't bat an eye as he pats me down and, of course, finds nothing else.

Apparently I'm no longer an immediate threat and he sits up before getting up from me and holding out his hand for me to stand up too.

I proudly ignore his helping hand and hoist myself to my feet far more inelegantly than he did.

I get stares from everyone and feel the need to say something, "Thank you."

In a raspy voice, Rick asks me, "What were you running from?"

Unsure, I squint again at the bushes and then shrug, "There was some guy."

The young man who had earlier stood protectively in front of a woman breaks away from the group and takes a few steps toward me, "What guy?"

Again I shrug my shoulders, "I don't know. Just a guy."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Rick tilt his head, "So you ran away from some guy and then figured your best bet was to run into the next one and kiss the ground with him?"

With narrowed eyes I look back at him, "Exactly. I thought to myself: Great, there's a new guy. The best thing for me to do is test him out and see if he'll catch me if I run into his arms."

His eyebrows go up and I sigh, "My goodness. I was taking out some of the walking corpses in the woods and this huge man suddenly appeared. As far as I could tell, he was alone and at first he helped me take out the rest of the assholes. Then I went to ask him who he was and he tried to get in my pants. As you can imagine, it wasn't my dream to have sex with this guy and when he wouldn't let up I took off. Instead of letting me go though, he came after me and no shit, the guy made a move, I had to make 3 to keep up so he couldn't catch me. Then I saw you guys and thought to myself: A group with women might be better than falling back into the guy's arms."

I point to Rick, "That's why I fell into your arms and I have to admit I knocked you off your feet pretty easily."

Of course he doesn't take the teasing and asks, "What's your name?"

I tell them my name and look to Daryl, "Can I have my knives?"

He merely shakes his head and I look to Rick with a sigh, "I could have easily stabbed you when I ran into you."

The young woman mutters, "She's right."

Still, Rick, like Daryl, shakes his head, "No, you're not getting them back yet. We'll take another look around for your ominous colleague and then move on. By 'we' I mean you, too."

Immediately I raise my hands deprecatingly, "Noooo, you can forget that real quick. I thank you guys for your help, but I'm not staying with you."

Rick takes a step toward me and I'm too stiff to react, only flinching when I feel the cool metal around my wrist.

Hectically I look down at my wrist that is encased in one side of a handcuff and can't believe the other side is encasing Rick's wrist, "What did you do that for?"

Quietly he says, "I don't trust you."

In disbelief, I throw my free left arm in the air, "And you think that's a good idea?! What if I have a group out looking for me and then take you all down?"

Rick pulls on the handcuff and says, "You don't."

Slowly the group starts moving and I have no choice but to follow Rick, "How do you know?"

Looking over his shoulder at me, he says, "If you did, you would have run to them and not strangers."

In fact, he's right, and I really don't like him for it, even if his pretty face makes up for a lot.

Still, I don't let up, "And what if I was bitten."

Again he replies, "You weren't."

These smartass answers make my skin crawl and I hiss, "Nice to know you're omniscient."

I hear him laugh softly and, unfortunately, I can't stifle a grin either and don't ask any further questions.

Again and again, some of the people disappear into the woods and I assume they are scanning the area. They don't seem to find anything that calms me down and so slowly I also get used to the fact of being handcuffed to a strange man, except that the handcuffs rub against my hand with every step.

I look at Rick from the side and ask, "Is the handcuff really necessary?"

Silently, he nods, not even looking at me, so I ask the group, "How long have you all been traveling together?"

The young woman I've seen time and time again comes forward to join us and nods at me, "I'm Maggie and most of us have known each other for a long time."

I smile at her, "That sounds nice."

We talk some more and she introduces me to everyone in the group before she is called out by her husband (I'm told) and I'm alone again with Rick and my aching wrist, "Why don't you take this stupid handcuff off me?"

He brushes a few strands out of his face and says again, "No." That's when I groan in frustration, "Come on. My wrist is burning like fire."

I can see him roll his eyes and then take my hand in his. Nothing more happens.

He holds my hand in his and just keeps walking.

I'm also too surprised to say anything, but the fact is that the metal doesn't rub on my hand like that anymore. So I walk next to him holding hands.

The longer we walk silently side by side like this, the more familiar it feels, and as I yawn, I slide my fingers through his, which catches me a quick glance from him, but he just bites his lower lip and doesn't comment further.

I have no idea how long we go on until he says, addressing everyone, "This is where we will sleep."

Everyone immediately knows what to do and I can't help but be impressed with how strongly the group sticks together and works with each other. Even in this short time, I feel safe in their midst and although I miss my knives, I don't feel like they're throwing me to the corpses.

Rick walks with me to a tree and slides down it. Through our intertwined fingers, he pulls me along with him and I plop down on the ground next to him.

Lowly, I say, "I was so snotty earlier, but I meant it about being grateful to you."

Lazily he looks at me, "You're welcome."

A small smile forms on my lips and I slide around on my butt so I can look right at him, "I'd like to know what went on in that guy's head that he had to run right after me."

The sun is slowly setting and the light that falls through the dense canopy of leaves casts advantageous shadows on his already handsome face as he wearily replies, "Some people were sick in the head before all this shit. But to a certain extent, I can even understand him."

I frown and his gaze slides along my body, "You're really pretty, which of course is no excuse for what he wanted to do to you nor can it pass for an explanation, but I can understand that he was thinking about having sex with you."

And my mouth drops open.

Did he just shamelessly tell me he wanted to have sex with me?

I should be indignant and maybe even feel some fear because I'm tied to the man, but I'm not.

Instead, I cough, "Wait. What?"

He laughs softly and leans his head against the tree trunk, "Oh come on. I wouldn't touch you in my life without your consent, so just take it easy. You can't blame me, though, for thinking about it ever since you ran into me."

To be continued...

@hail-yourselves @bean-is-reading @chanlvr2 @criminalwalkingsupernatural @sunshinevirus @toxic-ink

[chirpsythismorning]

hi some twitter users are saying that the pre-production of st will start in late october :( we have to wait for so long…

Interesting...

Regardless of whether this is true or not, this is a possiblity. I'm like 50/50 rn, considering Netflix said they had 6 months of backlog at least, they’re presumably willing to hold out that far on their end at least.

Although even still, I have been cautiously hoping that the writers could reach a fair deal with the studios sometime in late July/August, but that’s still a best case scenario rn.

It’s possible the strike could end sooner than October, as nothing is set in stone obviously, beyond Twitter speculation.

The reality is, the writers have no intention of dropping all of their demands anytime soon if it means returning to work without any changes. That would make the strike thus far pointless. With how far they’ve come, it only makes sense to keep going and see it through until they get something fair out of it. And that could mean holding out for longer than any of us want.

It’s probably not sustainable for ALL writers across the board to strike for 6+ months, without pay, nor do I think the studios would be willing to have production halted for over half a year and potentially beyond that. This is why late October has always been a possibility, bc that is the 6 month mark. I think by then not only would writers be ready to make some sort of deal, but the studios would also be desperate presumably by that point, so hopefully by then they would be willing to get closer to meeting their demands so that writers can get back to work and do what they love.

If ST5 didn’t start filming until late Oct this year, that would mean filming would go until Oct 2024. This is because it was already stated by multiple sources that filming for s5 was originally going to be from June 2023-June 2024 before the strike, so a year of filming was already in the cards.

I know most fans hear one year of filming and freak out, without understanding what warrants that much time for filming in this case. This does not mean one full year of nonstop filming for every actor. It means that the massive cast will have to plan a schedule that allows their availability to align with the other actors, so that they can accommodate and make production go a lot smoother, throughout a whole 12 month period.

For example, while the Duffer’s did say Amybeth (Vickie) would play a major role in events to come, and so she will presumably have more scenes in s5 than she did in s4, that doesn’t mean she’ll have anywhere close to as much screen-time as someone like Millie. This means that Amybeth won’t need to be on set near as much as the main cast. All it means is that she needs to be available when the other top billed cast is available, specifically whoever she is slated to have scenes with. It costs money to house an actor for days, weeks, months at a time so that they can be near the production location(s). Someone like Amybeth who is based in London, is obviously not going to be in Atlanta the entire run of filming. From what I recall, when filming for s4 Amybeth was only in Georgia for like 2 weeks, and I’m guessing that she was only filming for half of that time.

It makes sense that the top billed cast, who needs to film the most, gets first priority, and as it goes down the line, the actors with less screentime are going to be working around that, also assuming they have much more open schedules because they're also not as high in demand as the top billed cast.

In a perfect world, if everyone in the cast was available at a moments notice, maybe they could film s5 in about 8 months. But adding another 4 months to sort of make up for holidays and other contractual obligations, like cons or any other filming/work priorities, makes up for all of those short and maybe even large breaks in between for certain cast members for various reasons. There's people like David, who has said he was going to have to film Thunderbolts simultaneously while filming ST5. So there we have the second top billed actor needing to make his schedule align in that regard. Then there's Noah who attends Penn during the school year, and while I think it's likely he was probably planning on taking classes online this next upcoming year, it's also possible they were making a point to rush him to start filming s5 as soon as possible so that maybe he could have more time off set later on (hence why he might have been one of the few to start in May).

All of those schedules need to overlap based on who has screentime together basically.

So while I'm not a Finn and Noah were 100% going to start filming in May truther, I don't think the arguments against it were all necessarily based in the reality of the magic of film.

The beauty of film, is that it makes its own rules. You you could literally have actors who are in the same scenes, not filming on the same day, in the case they’re not in the frame at the same time.

One example of this from Stranger Things is the reunion for Mike and El at the end of s2. The Duffers made a joke that they 'ran out of Finn time', meaning that he was unavailable to do those scenes when the time came, which meant they had to wait. But then Millie insisted they do it anyways because she was available.

Not to mention, again, you don’t need every actor available 24/7 to film, which is why Finn and Noah in particular filming in May, as they both said multiple times they would have started then, was entirely possible. They could have scenes together or on their own with no other actors, and it could have taken like 2 weeks to complete them, right in time for June when some of the other actors availability opened so they could then join the mix.

I just remember Redditors specifically getting all up and arms like it wasn’t possible for Finn and Noah to start in May bc certain other actors weren’t available, but that’s not how it works always. I mean, even with filming starting in June, Sadie was always going to be unavailable to film ST during that time bc she was going to be out of the country filming for a different project until July. That doesn’t mean the actors that are available couldn’t film some scenes that they have together and that don’t include her.

I think those fans just got upset bc the possibility of Finn and Noah filming on their own for a week or two, might mean they have multiple scenes alone with no one else, and that terrified them. It’s funny though, bc I’m certain that if Millie and Finn were said to start in May before the others, it would have been quite easy for them to consider the reality of what that meant, being that they presumably had multiple scenes alone together. But in this case, they weren’t willing to even consider it.

Basically filming is complex and to think that it should be done all at once with everyone present is not realistic.

So while I know the 1 year timeframe is daunting to many, know that it's for good reason. Actors don't need to be overworked, nor do those invovled BTL making it happen. The production value from s1-s5 is just not even in the same wheelhouse, so using past metrics from past seasons as to why s5 will be faster to film is not based in what is actually most likely to occur because of so many different factors that are out of anyones control rn (some factors however are...Netflix... PAY YOUR WRITERS!).

There is a light at the end of the tunnel with this news though, believe it or not.

With the strike going on, many fans have accepted that Summer 2025 is the most likely scenario right now. This means that even if filming takes a year after Oct, that puts us at filming ending and post-production officially starting in Oct 2024, which is the same time roughly that s4 filming ended (Sept 2021). And in that case they managed to have s4 premiere the following year with Vol 1 in May and Vol 2 in July.

So even with filming not starting until late October, we're still likely looking at ST5 premiering in summer 2025, maybe with a June/August release if it's two volumes. Or maybe just July/August with one season on it's own.

Right now, I think it would be wise of fans to think about what they want to be doing long-term. In the case that filming doesn't start until October, what do you want to be doing in the meantime while you wait?

You do not have to be here if you don't want to be. Fandom shouldn’t be an obligation. Take a break.! I know I should... But I don't want to, so... yeah.

ALSO I think that realistically, with the strike going on, there could be some stuff we as fans could focus on highlighting in that regard. I know we're not very united or anything, but I've seen fandoms like LOTR and OFMD and even more recently Julie and the Phantoms coming together to fundraise and support the strike. For those that don't know, Julie and the Phantoms literally got cancelled after like one season... So the fact that they're out here supporting writers while the ST fandom, with one of the biggest audiences in the world, is mostly silent beyond acknowledging the strike happening, is sort of embarrassing...

Now this is NOT me saying that each of us as individuals is bad or anything, we're all just existing and I do think that accepting whats going on as this sort of reality has been our way of coping with something we feel like we can't impact at all. And again, we're not very united, which I think is important if you want to see an impact at the scale we are capable of, but are not able to achieve for obvious reasons.

Still I at least wanted to throw this out there, that if we know we're going to be here for a while, might as well make the best of it and support the writers, so that when they do come back it will be a feeling of like relief and excitement to return to writing these characters and their endings, as opposed to like just disappointment from the literal biggest fandom in the world being mostly silent about it.

To be fair, the writers themselves have been very cryptic about it compared to other writers from other series. Of the two pictures we've got from them, they did not show their faces. We have not seen any of them at the picket lines, which is something that I think if they did do it would actually get fans hyped up enough to do something more substantial. I know it's complex, but it is sort of a confusing situation right now, with how they're handling it and how they presumably would like for us to handle it.

In the mean time, I'm just going to go with the flow and accept everything as it comes to us.

[miseries-mistress]

A WISP IN THE WIND | ANAKIN SKYWALKER

Synopsis: With the loss of Ahsoka, you and Anakin are left in turmoil, and amidst the hurricane of your unnavigated emotions, Ahsoka's words take root in your mind, placing the seeds of doubt within the Jedi order.

Warnings: gender-neutral reader, MAJOR CW S5 SPOILERS, angst, lots of angst, no fluff. W/C: 1757

Notes: i wrote this as i finished crying at the end of season 5. you're welcome :) (reposting this shit) (gif by mlmanakin)

star wars masterlist

You stared emptily at your bedside table while Anakin silently moved around the apartment. The tension was palpable, only growing with each passing minute. Finally, he emerged from the bathroom in a loose-fitting shirt, his hair messy from running his hands through it so many times before taking a seat on the bed next to you. His eyes flickered to your glazed stare before he joined you in gazing aimlessly at the floor. The tile was littered with footprints, a couple of garments lying around, nothing genuinely fascinating. However, it gave him room to think about the events that had transpired a couple of hours ago. 

Ahsoka was gone. 

Leaving the order was not only a massive blow to you but to Anakin. Ahsoka was your best friend. You two fought together, trained together, ate, explored, laughed– you shook your head, dispelling those thoughts to stop yourself from tumbling down that dark train of thought, but the one kept growing in volume and strength as if it was flooding every other thought.

She was right.

The order was far from what it used to be. You used to be able to say that what you did was for the sake of peace, helping others, and aiding the weak, but now you were regarded as an esteemed general who could make impossible choices for the sake of the Republic reaching their dream of winning the war, not as a Jedi who didn't need praise for helping others, offering a hand and protection to those who needed.

Why had the Jedi fallen so far? Most importantly, why had you allowed it to happen?

The Jedi, your family, had strayed from the ideals they once clung to, trading it for war and naming it a step closer to peace. And although you knew the Jedi weren't what they were, excuses for their behavior overwhelmed you. The Jedi are your family, your home. They wouldn't willingly engage in war. It was only due to the circumstances that they had to adapt and change in order to try to preserve the peace. 

Amongst it all, you were conflicted. 

You depended on the Jedi, clinging to a childish hope that, yes, they changed, but not for the worse because, in a way, you need them. You knew not of anything else besides the order and the Temple. You were nothing without the Jedi, simply drifting through the expansion of life without a purpose or a reason to go on. That dependence kept you from fully committing to the idea that the Jedi might not be the people you once thought they were and considering the possibility of leaving it behind. It was smart of them to make you rely on the Jedi to prevent you from ever abandoning them. 

"Do you think she was right?" You broke the silence, raising the question that had been stirring around your thoughts since Ahsoka told you of her departure. 

Anakin's head whips around to face you, and your expression makes his breath catch in his throat. It was too much like Ahsoka's when she told him she wasn't coming back. That memory, so raw and vulnerable, made his emotions bubble even closer to the surface. 

"She had a point." Anakin found himself saying carefully as if considering his own words. Truth be told, he was lost. Without ahsoka, he was lost. He was the master, yet he found her guiding him, keeping him from trouble and saving him from it. In that moment, he couldn't help but be reminded of his relationship with his mother. It was such an odd comparison that he found himself slightly complexed by it. He was like the parent, his mother; in this situation, he had to let go of who he felt was his child. He had practically raised Ahsoka, and now he had to let go so she could begin her own life outside of him and away from him, just like when Master Qui-Gon had taken him from his mother to start his life away from her and the life he once clung to. And although he knew that she was trading her old life for a better one, he still grasped at the faintest hope that she would be back tomorrow, ready with Rex and the others on another assignment. Just like his mother most likely had been when he left Tatooine's sandy dunes for the sacred Temple's crisp marble.

And now it seemed as if you were considering the idea yourself, and truth be told, that scared him. Anakin knew that he couldn't bear it if he lost you, which was one of the many complicated emotions he had to navigate through in his life as a Jedi. However, being torn apart by different beliefs? Out of all things that never how Anakin thought you two would part.  

Anakin's sure that you two wouldn't stop loving each other over your different views, but the distance would be unbearable. He knew that as time passed, you would see less and less of each other. Anakin being constantly ordered across the galaxy would leave you little time to keep the relationship thriving and healthy. You would have to find your own life outside of him to provide for yourself as well. Conflicting schedules, busyness, and exhaustion all spelled disaster for the two of you. Holocalls only can do so much before the distance would inevitably tear you two apart. 

It was a terrifying idea, but as much as he hated it, Anakin had no control over your life or actions. He only wished for you to be happy, and if that was outside of the Temple, outside of him, he would be useless to stop it.

"She does," you finally reply, and Anakin realizes how long you two have been trapped in your own thoughts. 

"Are you thinking about leaving the order?" The question sucks the air out of your lungs as your eyes find his. Liquid pools of shimmering blue that were his irises were glazed with a type of despair that slowly began to crack your careful facade of the unwavering general. 

"I don't know." It was true, you didn't know. There was so much to consider, so many factors that added to this equation you couldn't seem to solve. It all made your head hurt. 

"I see." A Lie. Anakin couldn't see how you could even consider leaving the order, the very thing you had been raised upon. Yes, it had its flaws, but so did everything else. He was better off here in the hopes of making lasting changes than abandoning his kin and meticulously constructed life. If he could be a part of ending this war sooner, preventing more lives than necessary from being stolen from it, then he would. Anakin couldn't do anything about the war, but he could try his damn hardest to help those affected by it. Leaving the order would do nothing besides allowing more people to be affected by it. 

You leaned your head on Anakin's shoulder, finding the floor once more as Anakin's arms encircled your waist, pulling you closer. Would you really leave the order? Leave Anakin? What good would it do if you left? It's not like the Jedi would miraculously stop behind soldiers, but if you didn't go, you could try to make changes and do something about it. 

Anakin. The word trailed softly through your force bond, and Anakin heard your voice cracking, the fear spilling endlessly into your bond. He felt your fear as if it was his own while his grip tensed, emotion building behind his eyes.

My love. 

Tears sprang into your eyes at his force signature's gentleness and unspoken words adding to your festering grief. You felt lost for the first time in your life, and you were swamped by the force of it. 

Oh, maker. You knew how Ahsoka's departure tore Anakin apart, but how would he be if you left him? What about Obi-Wan? Your friends? 

A tear rolled down your cheek, and you nestled your head into the crook of his neck. At first, Anakin tensed his arms stilling around you before he relaxed. 

"I'm sorry." You choked on your sob as Anakin's hand came to pull you tighter. You grasped the fabric of his shirt, each sob tearing viciously from your throat as fat tears streaked down your cheeks.

"I'm sorry," you heard him through your sobs, and his utterly defeated voice twisted your heart strings into knots. You listened to his broken cries as he gripped you tighter. You both sobbed in earnest. For ahsoka, for the order, for your love, and all things you couldn't control. Today was a day of recognition, and as heartbreaking as it was, it was a necessary truth followed by an even more critical choice you were now forced to make. 

"I can't lose you," he hissed through his tears. "Please don't leave me."

It was selfish of him to make your decision based upon him. He knew it, yet his heart cried for you, his mind twisting around your possible absence from his life. 

"I won't," you promised, and you two cried in tandem, your feelings muddled together through your bond. 

Today was a day of recognition followed by a vital choice the force faced you with. 

On this day of recognition, you realize that you could not live without Anakin's love, devotion, and passion that he embedded into your heart. It was vital to your existence, and as difficult of a truth it might be, you couldn't leave the order. Not while so many counted and depended on you. It was a faraway dream for another time when the war would cease. Then you could run away from the life the council had built for you, make one of your own designs with Anakin, and be eternally free from the shackles of the Jedi order. 

The fantasy of being liberated vanished like a whisp in the wind, leaving you with nothing but him, your only grasp at the unattainable freedom you so desperately longed for.

[variousqueerthings]

you know what, I actually quite like Curse Of The Black Spot

maybe the reason M*ffat kept returning to over-complicating Stuff was because people didn't give enough credit to a simple plot every once in awhile. this is a good breather! I like breathing! (you know who else likes breathing? Rory Williams)

sexism rank objectification (female character is ogled/harassed/turned into a sex joke by the doctor and/or a lead we’re supposed to root for and/or the camera): 7/10

sexism rank plot-point (lead female character is only there to serve plot, not to have her emotional interiority explored): 8/10

interesting complex or pointlessly complex (does the complexity serve the narrative or does it just serve to be confusing as a stand-in for smart, this includes visually): 9/10

furthers character and/or lore and/or plot development (broader question that ties into the previous ones, at least two of these, ideally three should be fulfilled): 6/10

companion matters (the companion doesn’t always have to be there, but if the companion is there, can they function without the doctor– and overall per season how often is the companion the focus or POV of the story): 8/10

the doctor is more than just “godlike” (examines the doctor’s flaws and limitations, doesn’t solve a plot by having it revolve entirely around the doctor’s existence): 10/10

doesn’t look down on previous doctor who (by erasing or mocking its importance, by redoing and “bettering” previous beloved plotpoints or characters, etc.): 6/10

isn’t trying to insert hamfisted sexiness (m*ffat famously talked a lot about how dw should be sexier multiple times, he sucks at writing it): 9/10

internal world has consistency (characters have backgrounds, feel rooted in a place with other people, generally feel like they have Lives): 8/10

Politics (how conservative is the story): 7/10

FULL RATING: 79/100 (if I can count….)

This is so funny, this is the highest M*ffat-era rated episode so far! and all you had to do was give Amy a sword and put Rory in jeopardy! Knocked the others out of the water (the water, get it? Pirate episode)

OBJECTIFICATION: I knocked it down a little point, juuuust because I think the casting and dressing of Lily Cole, because the pirates are meant to think this is a siren, is a bit of a reach

like I get it, she's meant to seem "sirenesque" but sirenesque could've been something incredibly non-human-looking, or a confused amalgamation of human-looking ooorrrr... like I see what they were trying to do here, but I think they could have been way more interesting than just "hot woman"

(notice though, Amy is finally free from this point! yes, she's actually not suuuper practically dressed, but it's a bit of a changeup in this season + she gets a longcoat)

PLOT-POINT: so this isn't a big "interiority" episode as suuuuch, but! but but but! we get more Amy/Rory that I actually enjoy!

we get Amy being possibly a tad jealous (although I think it was also a joke on her part) that hypnotised!Rory called the siren beautiful, and we get her being incredibly worried for his well-being

this is kind of like the flipside to the last episode (+ several episodes in s5) where it felt like it was heavily centred on Rory's concern for Amy, and yes, there was Amy's Choice, there was Cold Blood, but that's not concern, that's like... Dead dead Rory. he dies, there's nothing she can actually do other than be like "yo that was traumatic"

I think this Concern is more powerful to their relationship, than Death -- because I wasn't seeing the Concern much in s5, on Amy's side, and on Rory's it often felt quite... patronising.. in the way it was written

SO! like yeah, they're cute now. I know she has to sign a thing to show she's willing to sign him out and the episode ending kind of hinges on that, still don't think they're married yet in my internal "I'm changing the pacing" timeline. spins the "make up new hinge" wheel and goes she says she's married and Rory is like "yo you said we were married, that's so cool" (flipside to Vampires of Venice where they were engaged and she said he was her brother)

yeah, I like that

COMPLEXITY: It's super simple. there's a supposed siren that's after some pirates, except now we investigate and woops, she's actually a space!nurse-program who thought they were all dying, and now the pirates are flying through space

it's cute

CHARACTERS/LORE/PLOT: the aforementioned Amy and Rory dynamic is the main thing

also that mysterious woman in a hatch again... hmmm.... and the episode also semi-pointlessly reminds us that Amy is still schrödinger's pregnant

I also quite liked that Amy had a flashback to the Doctor dying, that weighs on her. we enjoy a bit of weighing. some things should weigh

COMPANIONS MATTER: AMY!!!!!! LOOK AT HER!!!!! SHE'S TAKEN TO THE HOLD and you're going "oh no, another thing where Amy is put aside and the Doctor saves things and then she gets let out again," but NO, she finds a sword, dons a longcoat and hat, and fights a bunch of pirates! good fun!

and then the Doctor asks her, shall we do this, you okay with that and it's her emotional connection to Rory that drives the plot forwards, and then she saves Rory's life

Rory is mostly there to damsel for once, and it's fine, because Amy has needed this her entire run, while Rory needs to understand that Amy cares about him

“GODLIKE” DOCTOR: useless bench, as is occasionally what's needed! like, still useful in some ways, but mainly just going "ah yeh, I was wrong last time." also a bit of a contrast to Vincent and the Doctor, where his not figuring shit out led to a creature being accidentally killed and there wasn't a lot done with that

PREVIOUS DOCTOR WHO: it's not Low, it's just like... yeah, doesn't matter in this one, it's fine. Pirates

“SEXINESS”: YOU KNOW WHAT I APPRECIATE? I APPRECIATE THAT NOBODY MADE A JOKE ABOUT AMY BEING A SEXY PIRATE! OR AMY MAKING A JOKE ABOUT FUTURE ROLEPLAY AS A PIRATE! YOU'D THINK THIS WOULD BE A LOW BAR, BUT IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED YOU KNOW IT COULD!

INTERNAL WORLD: simple. pirates. son stowaway. now, space pirates.

POLITICS: um. pirates? knocked it down a bit for the monogamy and aforementioned boring Siren who's just like... hot

FULL RATING: 79/100 (if I can count….)

So this episode is strong in that it's finally giving Amy perspective! and feelings that are about her, not about how others feel about her feelings! and a sword!

it's weaker in the story itself, especially the design of the creature-of-the-weak, and it's absolutely a simple little episode. In the grand scheme of Doctor Who it's not the Bestest Most Badass Episode Of All Time, but I think it's underrated, especially since it ends on Space Pirates and Amy has a sword