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hergrandplan · 3 months

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👀

Haunt Me

Hi! Thank you so much for sending this in.

Leave a “Haunt Me” in my ask, and I’ll write a drabble about one character watching over another [as a ghost, watching from a distance, or otherwise, feel free to specify.]

Send me a prompt and I will write a drabble fic

the 👀 makes me think you wanted angst but I got this idea and couldn't let it go... so how about some tooth rotting fluff and Wille being so in love with his boyfriend instead?

Or: Simon is on a world tour and Wille misses him. Luckily, there are always fans livestreaming the show. (This thing is heavily inspired by Taylor Swift, but I hope you like it anyways!) (rated T, 2.2k, nothing but fluff)

Wille lets himself fall down on the big double bed, still in his suit. The only thing he even bothered to take off are his shoes. He doesn’t have any energy for the rest of his clothes.

He’s been in back-to-back meetings all day, each one more pointless than the last. Sometimes, he feels like an overglorified (and overpaid) party planner, when he picks out the color scheme for another charity gala or decides on the menu for a lunch with the prime minister.

It’s moments like these where he thinks that Simon does have a point about how the whole monarchy is just a waste of money.

Of course, they’re not completely pointless – they get things done, things that matter to certain people (usually not to him, but to some people), so he just grunts and bears it and tries not to complain too much about it whenever he talks to Simon.

No matter how pointless the meetings are though, they still leave him utterly exhausted. Which is fine, most of the time, because most of the time Simon will be waiting for him in their apartment, and they’ll curl up on the couch together with takeout while they talk through their day, Simon enthusiastically talking about all the advances he made – songs he’s written, or a release date for his new album, and Wille will be content enough to just listen.

He loves listening to him, whether it’s talking or singing. He also loves the sparkle in his eyes, the way he rushes his words out and the stupid grin he gets on his face that Wille can’t help but kiss.

He loves all of him, and Wille can simply never get enough of him.

But today, Wille didn’t come home to the smell of arepas being made in the kitchen, or soft piano notes echoing through the rooms. He came home to a dark and empty and cold apartment, because his boyfriend is currently on a world tour, playing sold out stadiums night after night. And while Wille is so proud of him for doing that, he also misses him, especially on days like today when everything feels just slightly too much.

Wille reaches for his phone to check the time, holding on to the little bit of hope that Simon isn’t on stage yet and they can call, and he can hear his voice, even if it’s just for one minute.

They try and call as often as they can when one or the other is away, and when Simon’s on tour it’s usuallybefore he goes on stage. But when Wille looks at the time, his heart sinks with the realization that there’s no way he’s going to be able to talk to Simon before the show’s over – he will have just gone on, will have juststarted singing.

Having been at his shows more often than Wille can count, Wille knows exactly what it looks like when Simon comes on stage.

Wille closes his eyes, imagining the stage, lit up in purples and blues (Simon always seems to look extraordinarily beautiful under the purple lights). He imagines the band getting into place, fine tuning their instruments to make sure they’re ready for a solid two hours of playing.

Then, Simon will enter under the sound of shrill guitars and a steady drum. He will run out on the stage, mic in hand, and he will look out over the crowd as the music falls still for a second. His lips will quirk up into a smirk as the crowd holds their breath and then –

He kicks off, voice loud and powerful and filling up every inch of space no matter how big the venue. He has a voice, and he always makes sure it’s heard.

Wille will never tire of that moment. Especially when he’s there, watching him. Because when he’s there, Simon will find inevitably find him in the crowd time and time again. And every time, Wille warmth blooms in Wille’s chest. Because that’s his man, who has the crowd at his fingertips. That’s his man they’re screaming for. And at the end of the show, that’s his man he’ll be going home with.

Wille rolls over in their bed, the one that hasn’t smelled like Simon in a long time, and sighs. Fuck, he misses him. He misses his body pressed against him at night, soft curls tickling his nose. He misses his raspy voice when he’s just woken up, when his brain has yet to fully turn on and he leans in to kiss him, softly and tenderly and lazy in the golden morning glow. He misses their lazy morning kisses, Wille pressing Simon into the mattress, hands wandering everywhere. And yes, he misses the sex – his own hand just doesn’t quite cut it. They do have phone sex, and it’s hot and does the trick, but it isn’t the same. It’s not the same as Simon taking up all his senses.

Wille sits up again and leans back against the headboard. Lying here and missing his boyfriend isn’t going to magic him in bed with him, he knows that. So he does the next best thing, the thing he always does when he misses his boyfriend just slightly too much, like he does tonight: he grabs his laptop.

He watches this so often, that he doesn’t even need to type in SimonErikssonHockeyBro in the search bar anymore; the livestream is the first thing on his for-you page, the algorithm knowing him slightly too well.

One of the biggest perks about Simon’s fame is that he has so many fans that there’s always one or two people livestreaming his concert so that people who don’t have tickets, or boyfriends who just really miss their partner, can enjoy the show too. SimonErikssonHockeyBro, also known as Ryan, tries to find the best livestream every night so people don’t have to go to too much trouble to find one.

Wille initially didn’t tell Simon that this was a thing, that people were doing it. But one night, while they were on the phone after the concert, Wille had accidentally let something slip about the lights glitching, and he had been forced to come clean. (Simon doesn’t mind though, that people are doing this. He believes art should be free anyways, and that he’s glad that people who don’t have the money to see him can at least see it in some capacity. He even asked Wille to make a very sizeable donation to Ryan once, and Wille had made sure he was screen recording when Ryan received it so Simon could see how he almost fell off his chair once he saw the few hundred dollars come in).

Wille clicks into the live stream. Simon has just started on the third song on the setlist, a personal favorite of Wille’s called ‘All the Best’. It’s an electric song, something you can’t help but dance to, and that’s exactly what the crowd is doing. From his spot on the bed, Wille is nodding along too.

He’s doesn’t get up to dance though – no, because that would mean taking his eyes away from the screen when all he wants to do is watch Simon as he jumps around on stage while somehow keeping his voice as steady as ever, never sounding out of breath (Wille will always be in awe of his boyfriend’s talent to do that).

45 minutes pass while Wille’s eyes are glued to the screen. He laughs as Simon cracks jokes about the signs he sees and feels tears burn when Simon plays love song, and he swears he can see Simon’s eyes turn just a bit red too. All the while, he feels so, so proud of his boyfriend. He’s standing in a sold out arena in Paris of all places, the crowd singing along to every song at the top of their lungs. Simon looks so happy on the stage, smiling pretty the whole time as he looks out into the crowd time and time again.

He made his dream come true, and Wille was there every step of the way. And if that means that they have to spend time apart sometimes? That they have to spend entire weeks miles away from each other? Well, then so be it. Simon is living his dream, and that’s all that matters.

Meanwhile, on the stage, Simon’s band members have gone off, leaving Simon alone. The lights have turned warmer, into a soft yellow. The lights sharpen his face, and Wille is once again struck by how gorgeous he is.

There’s a piano on stage, and a guitar next to it. Simon grabs the guitar and walks back to the mic stand.

“Bonjour Paris!” he says, beaming while looking out over the crowd. “And welcome to the acoustic section!”

In the corner of his eye, the comment section of the livestream is exploding with guesses as to what Simon might play today.

The acoustic section is something he started doing a while back as a way to make every show slightly unique. He’ll play a song that’s not on the setlist, one on guitar, and one on piano, and bask in how the crowd takes everything in.

It’s Wille’s favorite moment of the whole show.

Simon launches into the first of the acoustic song, playing an uptempo tune as he sways along, completely taken over by the music. It’s a fairly old one, something from his first album, but the crowd still knows every word anyways.

After that’s done, and the crowd has stopped clapping and screaming, Simon goes to sit behind the piano.

“Now, this next one… this next one is a bit special to me. Well, I always try to make the songs special, try to come up with what I think you’d like to hear most of all. But tonight, I wanted to play something I haven’t sang in a hot minute, because I have yet to play this song without crying.” The crowd gives their sympathy with a resounding aww, and Simon chuckles.

“Don’t worry, it’s not a sad song. It’s a very happy song, actually. It’s about being in love and finding your person, the one you’d move heaven and hell for – and realizing they’d do the same for you. It’s about that moment where you realize that this, what you’ve got, is it. So this is for my person, who isn’t here tonight, but I miss him, and wanted to play it anyways.”

Simon plays the first notes, and Wille recognizes the song instantly. His mouth falls open as he keeps staring at the screen, watching his boyfriend lean closer to the mic. His voice rings out like an angel, soft and clear and tender.

Wille doesn’t hold back when the tears start to falling. He’s alone in his room so no one will see them. No one will hear him cry because Simon is playing the first song he ever wrote about them as a couple, a few months after they’d gotten back together.

The song he wrote one summer night, while Wille was sat there right next to him giving him feedback. He’s not credited on the track list, but they wrote it together.

This, more than anything else, is their song.

Wille’s so in love in this moment, as he watches Simon play, eyes closed, that he feels like he genuinely might stop breathing.

When the song ends, Simon throws his head back as the crowd erupts into the loudest cheer of the whole night, something that goes on for minutes.

But Wille sees how there’s a single tear rolling down his cheek, and now, more than ever, he wishes he could be there with Simon. That after the show, he’d be able to fall into him and fall into place with him and never let him go.

Wille is in a complete trance for the rest of the show, barely registering what’s really happening on stage, only marvelling at Simon. How did he ever get so lucky to spend the rest of forever with this angel? Who’s out there, singing that song on the night when Wille missed him so much?

It’s only when the show’s over, the livestream ended, that he jolts back to reality.

He needs to make dinner. He needs to make dinner, because he hasn’t eaten yet and he wants to do so before Simon calls him.

Because Simon will call him. Simon will call him as soon as everything’s packed up, and as soon as photos with some lucky fans have been taken. He will call him, and Wille will tell him how wonderful he was, how beautiful he looked, how much he loves him. Simon will say it back, will say how much he misses him too. He will talk excitedly about how great the show was, how thrilling the crowd, but how it would have been a million times better if Wille had been there.

While on the phone with Simon, Wille will text Farima to arrange a flight to Paris for the next day.

#if you catch all the taylor swift references #ily #young royals #yr fanfic #yr fic #yr fanfiction #young royals fanfiction #young royals fanfic #young royals fic #young royals archive #wilmon #wilmon fanfiction #prince wilhelm #wilhelm eriksson now?#simon eriksson

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angstics · 2 years

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the foundations of decay (2022) x vampires will never hurt you (2002)

FIRST SINGLE

Gerard Way: ["Vampires Will Never Hurt You"] will always be my favorite recording of the band, because it was the first. Having little money, or for that matter the songs, to complete a full-length album, we hopped in a van and headed to Nada Studios.

(may death never stop you booklet, march 2014)

["Vampires Will Never Hurt You"]'s recording was so passionate that, despite being intended as a demo, My Chemical Romance decided that they should use it on the album. It would go on to become the central cog of the record they were about to make, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love. It would be the album that launched their career.

(not the life it seems, sept 2014)

[Under the /audio tab on mychemicalromance.com, there is a table of titles and downloadablable mp3s. At this time, there is only one audio file listed for "Vampires Will Never Hurt You". Below the table, it reads: "From our forthcoming full length album on Eyeball Recordings, due out this summer. This is a rough mix of the song. The final mix will appear on a summer sampler and the full length. Recorded March 3rd, 2002 at Nada Studios in upstate NY."]

(mychemicalromance.com, arch. june 2002)

[Alex Saavedra] gives a lot of the credit to the influential local DJ and scene stalwart the late Mario Comesanas. He used his Under the Stars slot on the South Orange, New Jersey college-radio station WSOU to air "Vampires" for the first time. Comesanas, who was also first to play Thursday on the radio, remembered the response was overwhelming. ‘The reaction was ridiculous – I knew that there was something special here,’ he said. ‘When we counted the requests, there was so much more for them than there was for any other band at that time.’

(not the life it seems, sept 2014)

Frank Iero: I think the first time we really recognized the power of social media was right around the time Thursday was being signed, Midtown was signed. Basically, all our friends from Jersey and Long Island were getting record deals. And My Chem had really just started. We recorded one song because that’s all we had the money for at that point. And we put it up on Myspace immediately and were like, “Hey listen, we’re gonna do a record soon once we get the money. But this is like a sneak preview kind of thing,” and once we put that up, there were literally major label A&Rs calling the practice studio. How they got the number for the practice studio, I have no idea.

(stereogum.com, march 2020)

Frank Iero: This is just something we figured out like... last week when I was hanging out with everybody. The first song we ever wrote and put out on the internet, like, our first single was a song called "Vampires Will Never Hurt You" and it was a song we wrote at the practice studio and recorded and put it out. And we were like, "If people like it, then... they'll let us know through this song and we'll get enough money that we can record," right? So that's what we did. That song was six minutes long. And the last song we put out ["The Foundations of Decay"] is six minutes long. Kinda crazy.

(two minutes to late night, august 2022)

Frank Iero: No one has bigger balls than us right now… I pulled out songs that like… Can you rip a song like a song that we did in 2001 and never released? […] You feel like a badass when you can do that. You feel like a musician then. Like the musicianship and the artistry, that can’t be fucked with."

(one life, one chance, oct 2022)

"favorite" / "couldn't be happier"

(mikey way and frank iero on instagram, may 2022)

STORM

Gerard Way, about recording "Vampires": We started moving the drums out to the van and I was surprised to see what it looked like outside. The sky had become dark blue and jet black and the wind was so strong we thought Mikey was going to blow away. Trees were whipping around and a huge storm was rolling in, but it was strangely warm and felt very comforting. Then I knew my vocals were going to come out just the way I wanted, I could feel this weird excitement.

(mychemicalromance.com, arch. may 2002)

(foundations of decay, may 2022)

SWARM

What's all this nonsense about bats??? The band likes bats. Who doesn't? If you've seen the band live you might have heard Gerard mention something about turning into one or unleashing some sort of swarm of them. "Unleash the fucking bats" is something they say to each other seconds before starting the set to get themselves pumped up. This all started back in Jan '02 when the band finally came together and started playing together with an intensity none of them had ever known. That fateful night they rocked together so hard that a "rock portal" opened up and out flew a swarm of giant bats. No shit.

(mychemicalromance.com, arch. may 2002)

Some rumours I have heard is that you guys like Bats, what's the fascination with them, is it the Will Haven song BATS, or you just like the species? Gerard Way: Haha...the whole bat thing came about at an early practice when Mikey joined and we finally gelled. Our energy just came together and a giant heavy metal vortex opened up and out flew a swarm of bats. We all saw it. It was like an awakening. After that we accepted bats into our lives. It was also while we were playing "Vampires Will Never Hurt You" so it probably had alot to do with that.

(anemicmagazine.com, 2002)

So, the whole vampires, bats, bloody stuff. Where did that all come from? Gerard Way: I probably haven’t ever said this in an interview, but the whole “unleash the bats” thing came from a Birthday Party song called “Release The Bats.” [...] The whole vampire thing [came up when I thought], “Man, nobody writes songs about vampires. How cool would it be?” I thought it was kind of risky or ballsy to play a rock song or a hardcore song that was about vampires.

(starsandscars.com, april 2004)

(foundations of decay, may 2022)

#my chemical romance #mcr #mcr: 2022 #tho ive had this idea for a week but i constructed all the quotes and photos and Realizations last night #i didnt plan to color code her. but. well #mcr: research

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yoonyeon0 · 10 days

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another day, another general hcs 🥱

Hatsumi Sen General Hcs

let’s go!!

Hatsumi is another guy that can’t be bothered to make plans and if he does please feel honored! Your probably the only person he did this too 🤭

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Hatsumi can’t stand bugs. He finds them so gross and even if he’s a man, he’ll definitely scream like a girl and make anyone around him kill it.

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Hatsumi likes beer. I don’t know if this was obvious but he definitely drinks himself drunk whenever he DOES go out.

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Hatsumi doesn’t do skincare but somehow has the best skin ever. I swear, this man can do anything and everything to make his skin irritated but it just never happens.

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Hatsumi likes cats. Huge cat person over here. If he could, he would just be a cat dad and live in the forest somewhere.

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Hatsumi can definitely and will definitely play the flute. It’s a skill he picked up randomly and he’s gotten terribly good at it. (I don’t know where this came from but it’s been bugging me since 😭)

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Hatsumi can’t be faithful to anything; including women. If you give Hatsumi money and ask him to give it back, you’ll be waiting another 2 years just for 15 dollars.

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Hatsumi likes tattoos but is too much of a pussy to get one. If he wasn’t so much a pus pus, he’d probably get a four leafed clover. I don’t know why.

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Hatsumi is one of those guys that you can’t read no matter how good your intuition is. He is just unreachable in terms of dumbassery.

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Now, who would Sen listen to?

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Probably Sza and/or Jhene Aiko. He likes the way their voices sound smooth and how they’re so minimalist. He wouldn’t go to concerts but he has her SOS/Sailing Souls album. He also has a record player so he repeats their songs on it.

˗ˏˋ✩ˎˊ˗

That’s it!

i have a hate/love relationship with him.

𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙤𝙣! 𝘿𝙤 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙡, 𝙘𝙤𝙥𝙮 𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙢𝙮 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠.

#kengan ashura #kengan ashura imagines #kengan ashura x reader #kengan omega #headcanon #hatsumi sen #hcs #general #yoon0 #reqs open #pls reblog #pls request #I need some requests

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love-on-mars · 10 months

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Hi! I was wondering if you could do a angst fic abt mick (80s,90s era) literally could be about anything i just never see anyone base a angst fic around him and its always based around the reader so i was wondering if you could write one around mick! Sorry if this request kinda sounds weird ☠️

Hiiii! I’m so sorry if this one is kinda short, it’s also more of hurt/comfort so I hope that’s ok. I set this in the 90s when Mick was having it rough in the band, therefore; angst! Enjoy!

Warings: swearing: talk of chronic illness, sad Mick, angst

Worthless (Mick Mars x Reader)

You heard to front door swing open followed with a grunt and a sigh. Immediately you went over to see your husband of 10 years treading in, looking just as defeated as he has the last few weeks.

Neither of you had to say anything, it was almost funny how intuitive you bother were to each other. It was like you could read each other’s mind, knowing if something was wrong. You looked up at him as you helped him take his coat off, he looked at you with sad, tired eyes. He looked like a kicked puppy.

You pulled him further into your shared home and brougham him upstairs, hearing some soft grunts as he walked up. It broke your heart to hear him in pain, and you knew the AS was getting worse than ever. The worst thing about it is there’s nothing either of you can do to help him.

You offered him some food but he shook his head, opting to take a shower. You offered to help but he said no, he’s always insisted he can care for himself. You know this of course, but offer anyways like how he helps you.

As he came out he got dressed and lays down, a disgruntled sigh escaping his lips. He looked over at you, knowing you wouldn’t sleep until he told you about his once again terrible day in the studio.

“What did they say this time?” You softly asked him, wanting to be as gentle as possible. Recording Generation Swine was hell for him, the producer Scott Humphrey was a real piece of work. Never satisfied with what Mick had to offer, and turning the guys against him. He even said Tommy was a better guitarist than him, Mick had never been so crestfallen during his time in the band.

“What do you think?” He spat, “all I heard today was no, no, no and no. Nothing I contribute to this damn album is good enough for those assholes! Nikki seems to think I can’t play anymore, and said that I’ve always been terrible! They want to use John Corabi on guitar, but what about me?! Don’t I matter?! I’m the guitarist! If this is how they’re gonna be then I might as well just quit!”

You stared at Mick sadly as he ranted, unsure of how to help him. Mick has never been a particularly emotional man, the only time you’ve ever seen him cry was when he shed a tear at your wedding. As he vented you that tears had begun to form in his eyes, and as he finished he sobbed. He didn’t want to quit, he worked too hard to accumulate his fame and fortune. If he quit he would fade into obscurity based on the direction music was taking.

“My damn back doesn’t help. It’s so hard to turn, just putting my guitar strap on is hell. The guys don’t give a shit. They never have.” He sighs. He pauses before looking back at you, “why the hell are you even with me? Im worthless! What do you want from me? Money? Fame? I can’t imagine what else I have to offer you at this point…”

You straddled him and took his face into your hands, wiping away the tears he had shed in his sorrow. “Mick. I could never and will never use you like that, You know that. I married you because I love YOU, Everything that comes with you is just a bonus. You always make me feel happy and loved, no matter what. You’ve proven to be loyal and committed, no matter how tempted you were on tour. You’ve always treated me like the most precious thing on earth, and you listen to me. You aren’t worthless Mick, not to me.”

As he looked up at you more tears fell from his eyes, despite feeling relief about your relationship he couldn’t shake the feelings of inadequacy in terms of the band. The damage the producer and his bandmates were causing was too much. All he wanted was to feel he was still capable as a musician and a member of Motley Crue.

“I feel and look so old though…so worn…” he sighs, placing his hands on yours as he leans into your touch. “I don’t know what to do. All I know is I can’t take this anymore.”

“I know you hate confrontation, but if they are pushing you to tears then you need to say something. If you don’t go down there and speak up I will. I refuse to let them keep abusing you like this, you’re hurting enough as it is.” You say as you kiss away the remaining tears on his face. He chuckles at your bravery, but shakes his head.

“No need for that, Love. I’ll figure this out, somehow.” He gives you a small smile, he’s been through worse. He’ll get through it.

You nod and turn out the lights before laying down next to him and getting under the covers. You lay your arm across Micks torso to hold him close, he wraps an arm around you pull you into him. “Thank you baby. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mick. Everything will be ok.”

#mick mars #motley crue #mick mars imagine #mick mars x reader #motley crue x reader #1313 #team mick #nikki sixx #tommy lee #vince neil

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toxicanonymity · 1 year

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raider and lincoln x lana

I love getting song comparisons. 🖤 ik there are some i haven't posted bc i don't know them and wanna check them out first to add context like @javier-penas-wifexx420 has done here.

Raider Joel Joel saves you from his men but claims you as his own and takes you with him. Left in Lincoln (dbf x virgin) He's a neighbor your dads trust to look in on you while they seek treatment for Frank.

@javier-penas-wifexx420 asked:

DUDE ok so I remembered what someone said abt what lana songs the jolkemons are. I feel like specifically Raider and Lincoln are so lana coded. Raider is ultraviolence and Lincoln in honeymoon.

I feel like Raider being Ultraviolence is pretty understandable bc of how he his and how he treats the reader. Songs that really remind me of him are

ultraviolence- “he hurt me but it felt like true love.” “Loving him was never enough”

shades of cool- “I can’t fix him, can’t make him better”

Sad girl- “but you haven’t seen my man…he’s got the fire and he walks with it”

Pretty when you cry- OFC RAIDERS DACRYPHILLIA HE THINKS WERE SO PRETTY WHEN WE CRY

old money- “those summer nights seem long ago, so is the girl you used to call the queen of New York City” reminds me of how sweet pea is really disconnected from her old self and her old life, she belongs to Joel now so that’s like her only identity. Sad but also kinda hot🤪

“If you send for me you know I’ll come and if you call for me you know I’ll run.” Sweet pea is at the point where she’ll listen to anything he says and will do whatever he wants, she’ll follow him anywhere and honestly same.

And NOW, Lincoln and honeymoon. I feel like this one isn’t as obvious and some ppl might disagree with me but NO. Lincoln IS honeymoon. Honeymoon is one of Lana’s most treasured albums and if you really listen to it and focus on the subject matter it can be argued that it’s darker than ultraviolence. And while Lincoln Joel seems really sweet and loving, just like how honeymoon comes across, he’s actually really dark and just as dangerous, if not more than Raider. The album honeymoon describes intense and passionate love, kind of IRRATIONAL you could say. The album outlines just wanting to get away with your lover and be together forever *cough lincoln*

I feel like honeymoon displays a sort of desperation and a willingness to do anything one needs in order to be with their lover and I think that’s reflective of both Joel and peaches. Also in the music video for one of the songs on the album lana drinks kool-aid which is a reference to heaven’s gate and i feel like the whole expression of “drinking the kool-aid” is very accurate of left in Lincoln cause peaches is def drinking that fucking kool-aid.

Also honeymoon takes a lot of influence from older music styles, older aesthetics (the art deco aesthetic from the 20s) and in general older references and since Lincoln is almost 60 i feel like it fits him. Honeymoon is rlly jazzy and I’m p sure you said he likes jazz lol. Lana mentions Billie holiday in one of the songs and Joel would def play Billie holiday for peaches.

THE SONGS

honeymoon: “we both know the history of violence that surrounds you, but I’m not scared there’s nothing to lose now that I’ve found you”

Freak: “life makes sense when I’m with you. Looking back my past it all seems stranger than a stranger” THIS IS SO PEACHES BRO LIKE WHAT. Honestly freak is very much a left in Lincoln song. Anyway.

Religion: “you’re my religion, you’re how I’m livin…when I’m down on my knees you’re how I pray” very them, Joel is in charge of everything, peaches answers to him, looks up to him for everything. He’s her whole life now

The blackest day: “ever since my baby went away, it’s been the blackest day”

This song is one of the most left in Lincoln songs, I imagine this part references jessie leaving and her being all alone without him.

“Because I’m going deeper and deeper, darker and darker, harder and harder. Looking for love in all the wrong places.” After she was left in Lincoln™️ she was all alone and things got a lot darker, causing her to look for love anywhere she could find it.

24: “there’s only 24 hours in a day, and half as many ways for you to lie to me my little love” there’s a lot more lyrics in this song that are relevant but I think especially this one because it’s like wtf is Joel doing when he’s not with peaches?? And he’s obviously lying to her and I think she’s started to gain more suspicions (at least I hope so bc homegirl is IN TROUBLE)

Swan song: this one is the second to last song on the album and I think it is very relevant of left in Lincoln. The song basically says that all the two lovers need is each other. If you think about it, Joel just desires an eternal honeymoon with peaches, just the two of them together FOREVER

“Nothing could stop the two of us if that’s what we want, we could just get lost”

I feel like this could even be something Joel says to peaches. Like he’s just like as long as we’re together it doesn’t matter what happens. Also the “if that’s what we want” reminds me of Joel manipulating peaches and tricking her into thinking it’s all what she wants and she has a choice🤩

And I feel like a lot of the songs are very peaches coded: Terrence loves you, god knows I’ve tried, music to watch boys to, don’t let me be misunderstood

ANYWAYYYYY sorry for writing so fucking much I’ve j been thinking abt this for awhile esp the Lincoln honeymoon connection bc it’s so interesting and I love lana and your fics ❤️

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Toxic: This is amazing!! Thank you so much for the thoughtful analysis. 🖤 also it is killing me not to spoiler.

#lana del ray lyrics #lana del rey #lana #raider!ask #lincoln!ask #lana del slay

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lady-harrowhark · 2 years

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Locked Tomb Characters as Taylor Swift Songs

hey there tlt demons, it’s me... your local taylor swift girl. credentials include over 15 years of swiftie experience and a well documented primal urge to infodump about both the locked tomb AND taylor swift. more under the cut because this thing is a beast. let’s get into it.

(update: Spotify link added in the comments)

Gideon: The Story of Us. Listen. Gideon is a Speak Now girlie. I will die on this hill. Everything is so cinematic - the fireworks, the kissing in the rain, it’s just like her comic books! She will absolutely be singing this album in the shower. And if you have anything to say about it? Sucks to have shitty taste, my dude, sounds like you hate fun.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know Is it killing you like it's killing me yeah I don't know what to say since the twist of fate When it all broke down and the story of us Looks a lot like a tragedy now... next chapter

Harrow: Hoax. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “How dare you assign her a song not from Reputation?” And aesthetically, I hear you. She probably wants you to think that, actually. But while Harrow can identify with Reputation’s themes of the juxtaposition of public persona and private identity, she viscerally rejects the sweetness and vulnerability of Rep era tracks like Call It What You Want and New Year’s Day. But Folklore... Folklore is for abject despair. Hoax is Harrow crying into the mattress, remembering what she’s done. Hoax is “I still love you.”

My only one, my smoking gun, my eclipsed sun This has broken me down My twisted knife, my sleepless night, my win-less fight This has frozen my ground Stood on the cliffside, screaming, "Give me a reason" Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in

Ianthe: Better Than Revenge. We’re not supposed to like this one. In theory, the description of “Diss track about ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend, written by an 18 year old” doesn’t really hold any appeal for me. But when you listen to it, you can’t help but love it in all its nasty glory. Sometimes women are mean, and I need a song to scream to about it. (Ianthe thinks she’s doing Dress with Harrow. She’s not.)

I never saw it coming, wouldn’t have suspected it I underestimated just who I was dealing with She had to know the pain was beating on me like a drum She underestimated just who she was stealing from

Coronabeth: Mirrorball. Corona is an expert at reflecting back what people want to see. She studies military history for Judith, learns all about shuttles for a boy who wouldn’t look twice at her, she pulls off the long con of convincing the empire she’s a necromancer. She’s a mirrorball.

I'm still a believer but I don't know why I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try I'm still on that trapeze, I'm still trying everything To keep you looking at me Because I'm a mirrorball, I’m a mirrorball I'll show you every version of yourself tonight

Palamedes: Champagne Problems. Oof. You must have known this one was coming, right? Unlike most of the songs on this list, Palamedes is the subject of this song rather than the narrator. You know who the narrator is.

Your mom's ring in your pocket, my picture in your wallet Your heart was glass, I dropped it: champagne problems ... One for the money, two for the show I never was ready, so I watch you go Sometimes you just don't know the answer 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you

Camilla: I’m Only Me When I’m With You. A personal favorite of mine that doesn’t get nearly the love it deserves. If this isn’t her and Palamedes, I don’t know what to tell you. And after the events of NtN... um...

And I know everything about you, I don't wanna live without you I'm only up when you're not down Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground It's like no matter what I do Well, you drive me crazy half the time The other half I'm only trying To let you know that what I feel is true And I'm only me when I'm with you

Nona: A Place in This World. Nona Palona. Kiddie. Junior. No-No. Cutie Pie. Lil Bits. Was there ever any other choice for her? This song is the perfect blend of slice-of-life and the inherent isolation of Figuring Out What Your Deal Is. Some people’s deal is being the soul of a murdered planet in someone else’s body, you know? It happens.

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine Could you tell me what more do I need? And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah, but that's okay ... Oh, I’m just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Pyrrha: Right Where You Left Me. Look, I’m sorry about this one. But if you really expected me to pick anything else for the woman who’s spent the past ten thousand years watching every person she’s ever loved leave her behind in one way or another? That’s on you.

Friends break up, friends get married Strangers get born, strangers get buried Trends change, rumors fly through new skies But I'm right where you left me Matches burn after the other Pages turn and stick to each other Wages earned and lessons learned But I'm right where you left me ... You left me no choice but to stay here forever

Alecto: My Tears Ricochet. This song never fails to give me the chills when I listen to it in the car. Taylor’s ghost story metaphor for being taken advantage of by her record label until she was forced to leave maps on eerily well to John’s betrayal. I’ve been trying to be succinct in my lyrical excerpts, but fuck it, Alecto can have two stanzas, as a treat.

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring You know I didn't want to have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene You wear the same jewels that I gave you As you bury me

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same Cursing my name, wishing I stayed You turned into your worst fears

John: Dear John. Honestly, any number of characters could be the narrator here, but I’m primarily thinking of Alecto. Mercy was right about putting an age limit on the Lyctor trials: “don’t you think nineteen’s too young?” John is also getting two stanzas to better exemplify the extent of my rage here. Fingers crossed for Alecto shining like fireworks over his sad empty town in AtN!

Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame Maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand And I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said "Run as fast as you can"

You are an expert at sorry, and keeping the lines blurry Never impressed by me acing your tests All the girls that you've run dry have tired, lifeless eyes 'Cause you burned them out But I took your matches before fire could catch me, so don't look now I'm shining like fireworks over your sad, empty town

Kiriona: Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve. Right up front, I will acknowledge that this is a much different context than Taylor wrote this song about. However, the imagery is so spot on for Kiriona’s rage. Taylor was right to save this one for the 3 AM version of Midnights, not because it doesn’t deserve to be on the standard album, but because it would have completely overshadowed every other track with the rawness of her anger and regret. I feel physically ill every time I hear the line “Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first.” And Kiriona’s no stranger to giving someone your whole life and realizing they didn’t even want it.

God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind I regret you all the time I can't let this go, I fight with you in my sleep The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign I regret you all the time

Mercymorn: Anti-Hero. I feel this one so strongly that I have actually already made a separate post comparing the lyrics to specific Mercy quotes (and I kind of want to do the same for Kiriona… hmmm). Unlovable Mercymorn, critical Mercymorn... it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me At tea time, everybody agrees I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

Augustine: The Archer. You know, I almost gave him Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince just for the drama and scheming, but I think The Archer captures the genteel façade overlaying his true feelings. It brings to mind the conversation during Dios Apate (minor) where he says he wants to believe that he could’ve stopped Alfred if he’d had just a bit more time. Ouch.

All the king's horses, all the king's men Couldn't put me together again 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends Help me hold onto you

G1deon: I Knew You Were Trouble. We know it, we love it, we laughed ‘til we cried over the version with goat noises edited in. He knew he was playing with fire, and look how things ended up.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in So shame on me now Flew me to places I'd never been Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Wake: Cowboy Like Me. A country ballad? For Wake? It’s more likely than you think. Cowboy Like Me is the story of two swindlers who didn’t mean to actually catch feelings... sound familiar?

Now you hang from my lips Like the Gardens of Babylon With your boots beneath my bed Forever is the sweetest con I've had some tricks up my sleeve Takes one to know one You're a cowboy like me And I’m never gonna love again

Pash: philosophical exemption

Judith: Enchanted. I knowwww, it seems a little frilly and glittery for Judith, but hear me out. How starstruck she was over Marta, how working with her for the first time did absolutely nothing to change that. Thinking of no one else until she’s able to suggest her for her cavalier, secretly reading, ahem, “materials” and dreaming about making things different between them... Yeah, Judith was definitely enchanted to meet her.

This is me praying that This was the very first page Not where the story line ends My thoughts will echo your name, until I see you again These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon I was enchanted to meet you

Cytherea: Look What You Made Me Do. The old Cytherea can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Cause she’s dead! I love this for Cyth, not just for surface level content, which certainly fits, but for the context of the song. When LWYMMD was first released, the public consensus was that it was a response to the whole Kim/Kanye situation. In the years since, though, it’s become public that behind the scenes, Taylor was struggling to regain control of her work from her record label. With that context, much of the lyrics and music video reflect that conflict, rather than the one everyone assumed. In the same way, Cytherea’s motivation and actions look much different through the lens of what we learn throughout the next two books.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time I got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

Dulcie: Bigger Than The Whole Sky. This one hurts. In a series full of tragedy, the fact that this delightful menace never got to meet Palamedes and Camilla in person is enough to break my heart. Our sweet little malign fairy, who has never done anything wrong in her life.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye You were bigger than the whole sky You were more than just a short time And I've got a lot to pine about I've got a lot to live without I'm never gonna meet What could've been, would've been What should've been you

Abigail: September. Not a Taylor Swift original, but her folksy cover of the classic is so soft and cozy. Comforting, in that Abigail way. If she and Magnus danced to this one, I can’t blame him for keeping a scrap of her dance card.

Our hearts were ringin' In the key that our souls were singin' As we danced in the night, remember How the stars stole the night away

Magnus: Starlight. More songs for saving dance cards! I can imagine him both sweetly dancing with Abigail AND being a huge dork and embarrassing Isaac and Jeannemary to this one. (Noooooo Magnus, don’t dance to Taylor Swift!)

And I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous tune" It was the best night, never would forget how we moved The whole place was dressed to the nines And we were dancing, dancing Like we're made of starlight, starlight

Isaac and Jeannemary: Long Live. Because that’s what they should’ve been able to do, ugh. I sort of meant this as a joke but when I went to copy the lyrics over I started getting all teary-eyed, so, you know. It’s fine.

Will you take a moment? Promise me this That you'll stand by me forever But if, God forbid, fate should step in And force us into a goodbye If you have children some day When they point to the pictures Please tell 'em my name Tell 'em how the crowds went wild Tell 'em how I hope they shine Long live the walls we crashed through I had the time of my life with you

Cassiopeia: Vigilante Shit. I love the image of Cassy as a contract lawyer vigilante, but I also love the implications in this song that she was working behind his back with his wife Alecto. Gotta make sure she gets the Benz in the divorce, and if the FBI get involved? Well, that’s out of her hands at that point [sips coffee].

She needed cold hard proof so I gave her some She had the envelope, where you think she got it from? Now she gets the house, gets the kids, gets the pride Picture me thick as thieves with your ex-wife

Anastasia: Haunted. The church bells! The drama! So very Ninth. With Haunted, we get both her devastation at “misapprehending” the ascension process and her growing horror at the ways she’s begun to realize they’ve all been manipulated.

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong You're all I wanted Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Can't breathe whenever you're gone Can't turn back now, I'm haunted

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bottomless-brainrot · 10 months

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SALTBURN AS PORTALS ( melanie martinez ) SONGS

a/n | just a fun little rant and analysis of how specific songs on the album represent a character, their actions or emotions that I believe fit how I saw them within the movie. also i've never done a character analysis before so i will try to make my ideas clear for those of you who would like to read them.

a/n | also sorry if i repeat my points lol.

saltburn spoilers below

CHARACTERS

Oliver Quick - Tunnel Vison

yeah, you can look, but you can’t touch / i’m not just anybody

not the first thing i want to get into but i will be going through the songs line by line so here goes…

to start is the obvious ‘hands off’ rule that we find out is bestowed upon all of Felix’s ‘toys’ that he has brought out to Saltburn. Vague mentions of previous friends from Venetia, the hovering eyes of Farleigh for Oliver’s next slip-up and the instant anger Felix gets at Oliver for not understanding that he wasn’t for the other and just supposed to entertain him.

it was clear that the family seemed to be fascinated with him the same way people would at a zoo or an art museum, staring at the priceless treasures from a distance and never to get as close to them as a handler would

eyes on the prize,…that’s your demise, yeah, you hold me like you’re rushing to my thighs

Oliver’s weird sexual tension with Felix throughout the movie due to that white savior complex

his way in right from the start was Felix’s need to fix him; that power in knowing that he could make him happier than whatever Oliver had now.

honeysuckle and fresh meat / but i’m more than that

the Cattons never saw Oliver to be on their level. Oliver was always told who he was and how to act from the family so much so that they believed his innocent act up until their final moments. he easily weaved himself into a core front of the family in a matter of days really showing that he wasn’t to be underestimated…

playing house to distract me / but you’re no good at acting

thinking back to the scene where Felix is talking to Oliver and Oli mentions that his family has problems and Felix instant shift of posture and interest is such a dead give away

i mean it took Oliver one bat of an eye lash and a smile to find out each individual family member’s deepest darkest secrets and twist them into a control point for his own game.

seeing that at it’s core, the Cattons weren’t anything but forced smiles and money bags of a picture perfect family. such an old money move.

i make them tumble down the hill they climbed / i don’t regret it

using the family to slowly climb up the ranks and then getting rid of them one by one just so he could have it all to himself.

king of the hill moment

show me how far obsession goes / could have been more now we’ll never know

in the end, i am a firm believer that if Felix listened and forgave him then Oliver wouldn’t have given him the poisoned glass.

if he had mentioned that they were still friends but he needed some time to think, Oli would have definitely poured out the glass and un-pretend to be wasted out if his mind to have a better conversation and 'fix' things.

but anyway, Oliver spilling his guts to Felix and still not having that wholehearted love reciprocated really did a number on him which led to the killing no doubt. what they could have had together in the end was only left for one.

i saw a post on here earlier might link if i find it but it was something like “oliver having sex above his grave because he couldn’t ever do anything with Felix unless there was a distance between them” and i couldn’t agree more!

Felix Catton - Spider Web

flexing like pricks with their stolen power / they're just who the spider will eat

not that Felix was flaunting his wealth or his social status, but that was what made him a target to Oliver as well as his desperate need to 'help' him get away from what he thought was his hectic lifestyle

he was gullible enough to believe everything he was told over his own family countless times, and even after finding out the lies he still chose to hide the truth because he didn't want to be seen in a different light to his family.

thinking about that line "you’re kind about everyone, you can't be trusted." so heavily right now.

didn't ask for this dangerous visibility / i'm feeling too scared to sleep

the moment when Oliver spills his guts and tells Felix he did it all just for him. made himself into this character just so that he could get close to him and secure his spot within his life as a friend.

it left Felix visibly staggered as he thinks about everyone else who could have done the same; everyone else he's left high and dry for his attention and the possible lengths they went through to try and get it back in his past.

better off dead than stuck in a maze / the center may seem like a gift

Felix having sex in the maze believing no one would find him there because its a place he knows like the back of his own hand. however, Oliver's interruption makes it known that he is more exposed than he thought.

also to me his death being at the center of the maze and him being the dead center of the family as they all mourn him with such vigor and slowly lose their minds really gets to me.

up all night, bound to their addiction to it / lifeless eyes, they die in the pit of the spider web

Felix's premature death being the root to how Oliver get his 'in'. he was the hub of the web and after his death is when everything truly spiraled into chaos and one by one his family followed him to the grave.

Elspeth Catton - Leeches

leeches surrounded, conscience is throbbing

Elspeth my love you dissevered only happiness.

i think we could all agree that the wealth came from her as well as the family’s popularity due to her younger years in life with her career

Elspeth, as we come to find out, has met many influential individuals throughout her life as well as the free loaders.

we hear about the numerous people that have come to Elspeth for favors and help in their troubled time, that really only used her kindness to get into a life of luxury. ( not including pamela )

although it is draining for her, she never openly complains about how helping is a bother for her building up the exhaustion until someone else brings it up.

let all their friends in, the enemy's present

Felix gets his kindness from his mother’s side obviously, thats clear in how she is so inviting with Pamela and Oliver regardless of their circumstances.

i cannot stress enough how i feel like she would have ket Pamela at Saltburn if nothing was whispered to her about how ‘awful’ Pamela was.

she was drawn into the direction of who was the problem in the eyes of others but never her own. thinking about the dinner table scene after finding Felix’s dead body n how Farleigh called out to her to save him instead of pleading his case. he knows she would have saved him like she has before.

how much blood can you draw / with your claws from a flesh that's not yours? / my hands aren't yours, and / gnaw on my bones, no marrow left

honestly hate how Oliver played the long game with her

he found out her routine after Sir James’ death, stalked her, gave her a false sense of home after losing her entire family by his hands and then killed her off and stole all her wealth.

i believe she had the most tragic death and if you want to debate on the argument of ‘innocence,’ she really displayed no evils.

Venetia - Womb

oh the rant im about to do

a seed in mother and I chose that space for me / little does she know it's free, ooh, yeah

the moment i saw her on screen i just knew she had some sort of issue with her mother and boy was i so on the spot

its vague when Elspeth mentions it so i could be completely wrong but i believe Venetia ( and Felix ) was raised by her grandparent ( “my mother always said born masochist” )

i felt that Venetia has wanted to get a rise out of her mother with her sexual activities because she was never given that parental figure she wanted. never been disciplined the way she should’ve as a child or told good from bad.

how Elspeth just dumps out all Venetia’s dirty laundry the moment she meets Oliver and doesn’t seem to care that she’s flaunting herself to a complete stranger. almost encourages it!

its no wonder she’s so close with her brother because he’s shown true spine with her

and I know my brother / he'll make the journey later on / conversations in the cosmos, yeah

if you didnt pick up on the incestuous relationship between Felix n Venetia i don’t believe we watched the same movie.

a lot of what im saying is up for debate but i know that their parents took trips frequently. the casual mention of going to London for Pamela’s funeral was all by chance and if Elspeth hadn't said anything they would have left without a word, and seeing how okay with it Venetia and Felix were gave me so many thought on them.

just being stuck in all of Saltburn by themselves just free to do with the wealth and the space as they please alone together

for years it must have always been them, maybe Farleigh was there on occasion but most of the time its been them.

and i can see with Felix it’s beyond protective brother. no he’s made claim to Venetia the same way he’s done for Oliver and all his past friends.

“i’m used to it, honestly. he never liked sharing his toys. even the ones he doesn’t want to play with anymore.” oh im so sick

at first i had thought Oliver was replaced again but she was referring to herself in this moment and that did it for me.

Felix claiming his own sister for himself, she doesn’t need another males approval because Felix is all she has depended on for her every need why should she stop now even if he doesn't think of her in that way anymore?

why should she go for another when he’s still here? why go through that pain when he’s only ever showed her real happiness?

no one could ever be as impactful as him in her life and whenever someone gets close he cuts them off. i’m gonna climb the walls

feeling alive, the closer that I get to my life / i’m pushing out the center, the core / i’m sweating through the flower no more, no more

Venetia finding her control and power through the means of her own body is sickening to me.

like openly saying how she got molested and her own mother making a joke out of it and offering her to a stranger im so sick and furious right now.

sex being the only way she’s noticed, the only way people will listen to her the way she wants instead of being seen like some fragile beauty like her mother

all of the planning, yet I still feel unprepared / kick and screaming 'cause I'm scared, ooh, yeah

sorry to bring it back to the incest but my god you cannot tell me she doesn’t get at all Felix’s closet friends for the giggles

Venetia is sickeningly scared of losing the one person in the house she’s emotional intertwined to so of course she interjects herself into his relationships the only way she knows how — and it works every time.

getting with all of Felix's best friends to spend more time with Felix as the lover of his closest friends this girl was obsessed

she knows he’ll get mad and she knows she’ll get that parental chiding from Felix but he will never cut her off the way he does his friends because they only have each other in end.

the intimacy between them tells a story only woven by having to embrace one another on a different level then just siblings. they were naked in front of each other sunbathing unabashed like a regular tuesday for fucks sake.

and I know she suffers contractions of hell and death / eyes are bloody screaming out, ooh, yeah

thinking about her final moments with this

bathing in Felix’s bath tub, soaking in his soap, smelling his aftershave on Oliver’s face like second nature, seeing his clothes on another man and feeling so disgusted and yet its so inviting.

she kisses Oliver in the heat of the moment not because its him but because if she closes her eyes and forget for just a moment it would have been Felix.

but of course its not enough and its not the same as having him there alive so she chooses.

a life on earth that's a living hell without the man that makes her whole or to be reunited with him in death. she chose the latter.

Farleigh - Void

it's tastin' kinda lonely / and my mind wants to control me

the self-preserving outcast of the Cattons.

its clear in the script and Archie did such a wonderful portrayal of his emotions because that boy Farleigh was really there for himself.

he had his own back from the get go

he’d be present within all conversation but at the same time watching everyone, pinpoint each and every shift in the pecking order and making sure he doesn’t leave his place in the middle of it all.

no one here but me to judge me

whether it ever was a race thing or if it was just a status thing, Farleigh knew of his own worth and because of it he knew the other couldn’t ever understand him no matter how much explaining would need to be done

then comes in Oliver, the outcast with a need for a approval that he knows will overshadow his own

honestly i never thought he hated him per se, but he knew of his intentions from the start he just underestimated how low Oliver would go to maintain his own position

i’m tryin' to find the doorway / my eyes are starin' at me / and they seem so damn unhappy

his family struggles and pride being his greatest turmoil of all in the movie

seeing how easily the Cattons give away their wealth to complete strangers over their own bloodline must not have been easy, especially having to go and beg for it.

i believe he wanted a way out of it, to find some way to rely on himself to support his side of the family but that wasn’t something be could have easily obtained so the Cattons were his only real option.

pipe down with the noise, i cannot bear my sorrow

Farleigh being the first to notice Oliver for who he is the night of the death and the morning following hurt me so much

if he had more of a backbone to press into Felix and the rest of the family that this nobody can’t get close to them i feel like things would have been so different.

Felix was a family matter, Oliver’s presences wasn’t a needed one especially only having known him for a single term. it was just invading

in that moment of sadness is when it clicked for Farleigh, if not that Oli was the root of the problems at Slatburn he had to be a factor in them

but do to his own emotions he couldn’t find the right way to expose it.

look at the mess i've done, there is nowhere to run, yeah / holdin' a loaded gun, the void

Oliver outing Farleigh in the end to ensure that he was dealt with in his plan. i’m furious

not that anything he was doing the night of the party was right but he wasn’t the only one

the maids scrubbing cocaine from the toilets and tables highlights that plus Venetia and Felix were there too but Farleigh was only trying to fit in and keep his place in the close circle so he joins them. if he were reluctant to or chicken out then he wouldn’t be a toy anymore and that looming pressure of loosing his funding was already enough to keep him chained to them.

but it was never something he could have denied or challenged especially with his history so he had no choice but to leave all his life and behind and get replaced by a nobody.

Sir James - Battle of the Larynx

explained within duo expression.

Pamela - The Contortionist

twisted all my limbs for you / two of them in knots and two of them in loops

poor dear Pamela

she was the only normal person in the entire film with no grudge on anyone or ill intent. literally just need a place to stay to get back on her feet and that is what the Cattons offered but because she wasn't interesting enough to entertain them they tossed her away.

asking her to fetch a made as soon as Oliver enters as an excuse to get her to leave so the conversation could shift onto her

you can tell 'em what you wanted to

Pamela didn't live a life of lavish obviously by her proper nature ( the same persona Oliver pretended to play except you know a genuine one ) so of course the others treated her as entertainment.

Farleigh and Elspeth saying her looks were her only point just a dull flower in bloom

also Elspeth's comment about how she dropping so many hints before it goes so far really bugged me

like the only time they pressed for her to leave was at the dinner when she brought up having found a place and even then it was a half assed 'oh we'll miss you so much'

twisting all my bones like screws / stretching my self-worth, just like you usually do

i think Pamela thought of Elspeth as a friend helping out

then she's suddenly thrusted out of the house without notice, bags already packed and cab fare paid as if her new arrangements had been already settled.

i cannot begin to understand how hurt she might have been in that moment and what could have been the core drive for her suicide but her death really hurt me the most.

DUO EXSPRESSIONS

Oliver & Ventia / Elspeth - Faerie Soiree

mushrooms everywhere i'm turning / laced with love, intensive grooving / they said, they sail / i know how to make you go crazy every day

the spell he casted on both Elspeth and Venetia

had both woman hooked on him trying to draw that hidden side he only expressed to them in secret.

the Oliver that got Venetia to eat again. the Oliver that had Elsepth stunned at his forwardness and thinking of him even after the incident. the Oliver that would have had Farleigh under his thumb if he hadn't went for the kill so soon.

led me astray to the faerie soirée / alone, alone / now i wanna ride with the magic / lose sight of the gravity of home

he was a welcomed distraction to both of them. a change that they hadn't thought would be influential as he was.

given them both an individual false hope - for Venetia it was a man who showed initiative if only for a moment that could toy with her instead of the other way around; for Elspeth it was familiarity he would give her some sort of normal in the now hollow halls of Saltburn.

it is such a shame both couldn't see past the fantasy until it was too late.

Oliver & Ventia - Moon Cycle

...do I really need to explain?

But in all seriousness,

he bit the cherry down, he's delirious / seeing red figures in his mirrors and / acting like a real tough, furious

giving her a outlet for her parental issues

the first man in a while that showed her dominance in a way that had her changing her whole routine

he says he doesn't care, that he's into this / it happens every time the new season hits

Venetia thought Oliver would be different than Felix's other toys that come to Saltburn, but was disappointed once again.

now he kissing on the ground that i walk on / tryna get another taste, but I'm all cramped up

her dumping him right after Felix found out ( thinking Felix had a private conversation with her ) he was eager to fic things but she wasn't going to play a game with another coward of a man.

juice melting like raspberry pomegranate / it's so scary

" no, i wanted to look at the moon. it's nearly full. do you know what that means? " | " we're all about to lose our minds. "

oh the foreshadowing. Venetia you are too powerful

seeing that version of Oliver ( the one who had her delirious ) the day of the incident. piecing together everything in the end ( you disgusting little nobody. oh my god. you ate him right up. and licked the fucking plate. ) leaving her shocked and broken over what she's done. how close she got close to the cause of it all. frightened by everything

Sir James & Elspeth - Battle of the Larynx

i speak in cursive, i'm poignant, assertive / there's musical chairs in my teeth

Sir ' what i say must be the truth always ' James

thinking about how nothing happens unless he approves. how every order and command that was ever given had went through him first if it wasn't his command to begin with

deciding that Pamela needed to leave, lowering the amount Farleigh's mom gets, cutting Farleigh off after finding out about the drugs, bribing Oliver because he needed normalcy again

and it was all enforced with such urgency too, no question to any of it like he was a general to his soldiers

don't you battle with my larynx tonight / i'll wreck you if you chase me / but i'll be silent 'til you cross the line

Sir James had minimal lines within the movie but whenever he did it held authority.

when something wasn't going the right way he'll interject ( insisting to Pamela at the dinner table that her time was due ) other than that he was silent until called upon

and they talk without thinking / they bark while they're shaking / with teeth that are round and dull

he was the controlling factor within the family and to Elspeth

he knew what was best for her all the time, he knew what she needed all the time, he knew just what to say to get her to listen all the time

i will die on this hill. Elspeth would have let Pamela stay longer if he hadn't said anything to her and she probably would have overlooked Farleigh doing drugs the day of the party if Sir James didn't fight it.

but anyway, James wasn't someone that Oliver could have manipulated, not like the rest of the family so he had to buy time until his death which he got lucky for.

Saltburn would have been unattainable if Sir James hadn't passed really.

Farleigh & Oliver - EVIL

and it felt like bliss, used to miss your kiss / now i'm hop-skip jumpin' over narcissists / ... / now the role is reversed and told you i'ma switch / how you like my spit?

they should have fucked on screen at least four more times your honor

their back and forth. cat and mouse. push and pull. the tension of fighting for the center spot of attention for the family and fucking for dominance would have done it for me

but Oliver had to fuck that up with the email. he could have really controlled Farleigh, lulled him into thinking they should work together for what they want and then hung him out to dry but no Oliver was greedy

the panic in Oliver's eyes though when Farleigh admits to being invited to the party after he thought he got rid of him was priceless

just one foiled seduction after another with him

everything i expressed, i professed / it never quite made it through / ... / no, i won't defend you to all my friends / this time, i refuse

the quips at Oliver's pride. the mentions of getting bored and tossed aside. stating his claim on Saltburn and rubbing it in his face on his birthday. Farleigh played the game well even if he lost it in the end.

if you bite my hand again / i will never feed you, you can call me evil / take it to the grave if you wanna play pretend / i won't be mistreated, please call me conceited

Oliver finding out about Farleigh's private life and family issues and Farleigh's retaliation at karaoke with "rent".

Oliver pointing out their in the same boat offering the mic and how easily Farleigh accepts the mic just like how easily he accepts his role.

shows their difference in it really; Farleigh takes it as it is, he knows what his life has become and what could happen if it ends. and yet Oliver still saw himself as something more to the Cattons and especially Felix.

Farleigh & Ventia - Powder

don't wanna know where you go when you aren't around / i'd rather stay naive, too much to believe

it's past point of no return, when will we learn? / alert me when this shit is over

the acceptance they both have to face in the end. Farleigh in knowing he's been bested and that all his wealth is gone. Venetia seeing how Oliver got to consume her own brother's identity whole and take what was most precious to her.

show me a picture you paint of someone else / lived a double life, wish i was surprised

eyes rollin' back to your head, and i'm wonderin' how / i recognize your face, put it all to waste

will never be the same again knowing that these two died seeing the truth. all the fight was stripped from them piece and left vulnerable to the emotional pain Oliver put them through.

THE CAUSE AND EFFECT

Felix to Everyone - Nymphology

call me your nymph / praise me for martyr, praise me for sin / call me your muse / a sprite or an elf you cry to, then use

Felix was everything to everyone. he could do no wrong as he was the pinnacle; forced on a pedestal he never fought for or against.

everyone wanted Felix. be it to brag about the sex, to have the money or to just let it be known that they were in his circle.

and he lived it up.

he knew the power he had on people and used it how he pleased. ditching his hookups when he got bored, cutting ties with friends that weren't of interest to his close circle anymore.

he knew of the people's infatuation, but no one ever dared to over step a boundary in fear of angering their chosen so he lived like he was untouchable. believed he was on another level to all and got so full of himself he couldn't see the signs of wandering hands getting closer and closer to the unattainable.

i'm not crazy, i'm not wild, you're just stupid, little child / get your image off my back, i'll give you a heart attack

Oliver wanted Felix in both body and mind. the devotion he forced onto Felix, begging and pleading to be his henchman again after being found out.

Felix wanted none of it, the first time ever seeing someone want him on a level of desperate he's never seen and feeling revolted

but Oliver tells it to him the way no one else could, because that is his life. people treat him like a king on his throne and approach in a line offering whatever they can to get his approval. locked in the maze with no guards he was left to see it all as it is.

Oliver to Felix - Pluto / Light Shower but will not elaborate

I think that it's finally time pluto, destroy me / kill me off slowly / i'll bathe in my ashes / rise like a phoenix / show me who I am becoming

Felix bringing Oliver to the point of no return.

cutting him off with dignity for the sake of the family not knowing he made a mistake in judgement.

Oliver not being able to handle being seen, cannot cope with knowing that his infatuation sees his true colors

pluto, transform me / turn off my lonely / i'll sit with my silence / fix all my conflict / show me the demons I'm hiding

yet at the same time, he's free.

he has had his fill of Felix - his fill of the Cattons - whether he wanted to believe it or not.

he had gotten closer than his plan had assigned, so close he's hurt by his own action. crying and fucking his grave as one last show of his 'love' left soaking in the muck.

moving on with no regrets to the next phase of the plan.

Oliver to the Cattons - Milk of the Siren

strangle the fear of deciding / which one's deserving to drown

the montage at the end

Oliver's plan unfolding the moment he laid eyes on Felix. how he watched and waited, studied what would have made him noticeable. Found out his class schedule and he sabotaged his bike, weaved a lie so great that when it was found out he had to die.

tired of silence and being polite / your legs turn to shimmering scales in the night

Oliver hunting the Cattons in the evening. whispers to Elsepth, the peeping tom moments with Felix, following Venetia, fucking Farleigh.

all of it under the moons watchful eye.

don't feel bad when these fuckers all drown / let them drown / let them drown / let them drown

" and you made it so easy. spoiled dogs sleeping belly-up." | " no natural predators. " | " well... almost none. "

nothing wrong with a little havoc (drink from the leche of sirens) / it's fun when shit hits the fan

all the side notes in the script. ( he looks up to see Duncan’s silhouette staring down at him from the hill above. he can deal with that later. )

he had fun toying with them all and becoming the new king. putting all their wealth to a better use than he thought they could.

#please don’t perceive me #everyone in the saltburn tag brought this on and im sorry ( no im not )#just had to rant about it lmao #saltburn spoilers #saltburn #felix catton #oliver quick #farleigh start #venetia catton #elspeth catton #sir james catton #poor dear pamela #— to yearn : saltburn

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lissasmemes · 1 year

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𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬

from taylor swift’s 2022 album midnights. feel free to change pronouns as needed!

001. lavender haze

“meet me at midnight.” “you don’t ever say too much.” “you don’t really read into my melancholia.” “i’ve been under scrutinty.” “you handle it beautifully.” “all this shit is new to me.” “i’m damned if i do.” “i’m damned if i do give a damn what people say.” “they keep asking me if i’m gonna be your bride.” “the only kinda girl they see is a one night or a wife.” “they’re bringing up my history.” “you weren’t even listening.” “get it off your chest.” “get it off my desk.”

002. maroon

“we were cleaning incense off your vinyl shelf.” “we lost track of time again.” “you were my closest friend.” “how’d we end up on the floor, anyway?” “i chose you.” “ain’t that the way shit always ends?” “i feel you, no matter what.” “i lost you.”

003. anti-hero

“i have this thing.” “i get older but just never wiser.” “all the people i’ve ghosted stand there in the room.” “i wake up screaming from dreaming.” “you got tired of my scheming.” “it’s me, i’m the problem.” “it must be exhausting.” “i’m a monster on the hill.” “one day i’ll watch as you’re leaving.” “i have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money.” “she thinks i left them in the will.” “she’s laughing up at us from hell.” “everybody agrees.”

004. snow on the beach

“i saw flecks of what could’ve been lights.” “it might just have been you.” “life is emotionally abusive.” “time can’t stop me quite like you did.” “my flight was awful, thanks for asking.” “tonight feels impossible.” “to hide that would be so dishonest.”

005. you’re on your own kid

“summer went away.” “he’s gonna notice me.” “it’s okay, we’re the best of friends.” “i hear it in your voice.” “i waited ages to see you there.” “you never cared.” “you’re on your own, kid.” “i gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this.” “the jokes weren’t funny.” “i took the money.” “make the friendship bracelets.” “you’ve got no reason to be afraid.” “you can face this.”

006. midnight rain

“he wanted it comfortable.” “i wanted that pain.” “it was paradise.” “i broke his heart cause he was nice.” “he was sunshine.” “i guess, sometimes we all get just what we wanted.” “he never thinks of me.”

007. question...?

“i remember.” “i swear that it was something.” “one thing after another.” “fucking situations, circumstances, and miscommunications.” “i just may like some explanations.” “can i ask you a question?” “what did you do?” “did you leave her house in the middle of the night?” “oh...” “did you wish you’d put up more of a fight?” “do you wish you could still touch her?” “it’s just a question.” “you’re not sure, and i don’t know.”

008. vigilante shit

“you did some bad things.” “i’m the worst of them.” “sometimes i wonder which one will be your last lie.” “they say looks can kill, and i might try.” “lately i’ve been dressing for revenge.” “i don’t start shit but i can tell you how it ends.” “don’t get sad, get even.” “she needed cold hard proof, so i gave her some.” “she looks so pretty.” “the lady simply had enough.”

009. bejewled

“i think i’ve been a little too kind.” “putting someone first only works when you’re in their top five.” “by the way, i’m going out tonight.” “when i walk in the room i can still make the whole place shimmer.” “they ask ‘do you have a man?’“ “i don’t remember.” “i polish up real nice.” “i think i’ve been too good of a girl.” “i think it’s time to teach some lessons.” “i miss you.” “i miss you but i miss sparklin.” “some guy said my aura’s moonstone.” “you can try to change my mind.” “what’s a girl gonna do?”

010. labyrinth

“it only hurts this much right now.” “breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out.” “i’ll be getting over you my whole life.” “you know how scared i am of elevators.” “it can’t last.” “uh oh.” “uh oh, i’m falling in love.” “oh no.” “oh no, i’m falling in love again.” “oh.” “oh, i’m falling in love.” “you know how much i hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back.”

011. karma

“you’re talking shit for the hell of it.” “you’re terrified to look down.” “you wouldn’t know what i mean.” “karma’s a relaxing thought.” “i’m still here.”

012. sweet nothing

“i spy with my little tired eye.” “we almost forgot it.” “they said the end is coming.” “everyone’s up to something.” “i find myself running home to your sweet nothings.” “you’re in the kitchen humming.” “this happens all the time.” “you should be doing more.” “i’m just too soft for all of it.”

013. mastermind

“once upon a time...” “you and i ended up in the same room at the same time.” “i couldn’t lose.” “what if i told you none of it was accidental?” “the first night that you saw me nothing was gonna stop me.” “nothing was gonna stop me.” “what if i told you i’m a mastermind?” “no one wanted to play with me as a little kid.” “i’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since.” “this is the first time i’ve felt the need to confess.” “‘cause i care.” “i told you none of it was accidental.” “you knew the entire time.”

#rp meme #rp prompts #rp sentence meme #rp sentence starters #rp sentence prompts #lyric starters #lyric meme #lyrics: taylor swift

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therealcocoshady · 7 months

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It would be nice if he just flat out said he ain’t doing another album anymore but I honestly don’t think that’s his style. Partly because I don’t think he’s even sure of what he wants to do himself. Because he’s doing all these features but no album. Doing producer work but no album. But then he hat if he wants to make an album after saying he wanted to quit? Like I feel like maybe he’s unsure of himself and where he wants to go next, if he wants to go anywhere at all. But I can’t speak for him.

And yes a lot of people shit on us younger generations (me being included in that bc I’m 21) but like… we have done A LOT for the industry already. TikTok/social media is blowing people up and bringing all these old school artists back to life because of US. Because we using it like crazy, driving them sales, money, streams, deals etc. I mean take songs that blew up on tiktok for example. They skyrocketed peoples career, music, and numbers like crazy in days, months, and weeks like never seen before. Take streamers like Kai Cenat for example who literally reacts to music on stream then everyone goes and listens to that music. I mean the man literally had been asked by major record labels to make some sort of promotional deal because he’s helping them out so much by doing a simple and honest reaction… So to say that this generation doesn’t know anything about Hip hop, rap, the music industry, and should just shut up is crazy. 🥱💩. Like sweetheart, we’re the future. Then old heads can only keep you relevant for so long bedsore the next generation comes and names who’s hot and who’s not, who’s getting a Grammy and who needs to sit this one out. Like yes, you have the legacy, you know the game, but hey, you need to be able to keep up at the end of the day.

And Marshall did voice acting in 50 Cents game way back it was so cool and had a lot of traction. I think it’s a missed opportunity too and people would’ve loved it. I mean GTA6 is already deemed as a crazy game for its storyline and trailer alone and it hasn’t even be n released yet. I think he would been perfect for it. Especially since he almost was featured in one previously but it fell through.

Yes I agree ! I think he will still be producing for a long time (and I hope so because he is so good at it). When it comes to actually put out albums… I feel like the end might come soon. Idk why, it’s just a feeling I have ☹️. Hopefully he still has one or two albums in him. But no matter what, even if he stops putting out music for 10 years and decides to change his mind, people will be there for it ☺️.

I feel like both generations (old and young) have stuff to learn from each other and I am so tired of them being at each other’s throat. Also, GOATS like Em (well his team too) have stuff to learn when it comes to the digitalisation and platformization of the music industry, especially in hip-hop. Shady Records would do better if they actually put some effort towards that 👀.

#eminem #marshall mathers #slim shady #shady records

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cakejerry · 1 year

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Listen whatever is the deal with jungkook right now I just know that something seems very sinister. Like there is something very wrong happening here. Doesn’t he have any real friends to tell him to maybe not broadcast his quarter life crisis to everyone to see? And mingyu and eunwoo aren’t real friends by the slightest😭😭😭 where is his family? His brother? Anyone? JIMIN?? Like whatever road he is going on won’t end well. Trying so hard to succeed in Hollywood which is known to be the most toxic industry on earth and the people in control are willing to take everything away from you just so they can get their money. And he is with scooter Braun out of all people. Literally the worst. Like he is literally throwing temper tantrums. Boy this is the industry you chose. Like I understand you had to give up a lot but like he needs someone genuine in his life. Someone to guide him before he throws himself in some serious shit just because he can’t control his phases and wants to seek “cool”. Like bro we get it many people think your cool and have been thinking that since you debuted. Koreans and international fans alike.

I don’t know what his current relationship with jimin is and if they were even ever more than friends because he just seems like a very lonely person. I think ms will be a very big change for him. He needs to step off the limelight for a good while and reassess what he wants and who he is. Because it feels like he has been in a constant battle for quite a while now lol.

anon ily 😭😭 you're literally putting into words everything I'm too scared to because I don't want people to call me a hypocrite for judging JK but... it is, truly, 'sinister'.

I'm not expecting jimin to parent him or anything but do they even talk about the big things atp or do they just fuck? because how did jk not learn anything from him? has that man not conquered his public image perfectly? jk was literally in the studio working on face, was that not what that album was about? finding yourself???

I feel like his 'friends' and family all tell him 'what's there to complain about you're literally bts' and management only sees the media buzz of 'loving idol who meets fans frequently' and no one cares that he's obviously going through something in these lives? pointing a camera at himself saying "I'm just doing all of this naturally with no thoughts" but his brain is so scrambled up with thoughts that he can't go a second without contradicting himself. trying to make a coherent sentence but failing. doesn't know what to do with fans, doesn't know what to do with fame. he doesn't even know what he wants except MORE. just deep deep in some type of denial or just plain immaturity

he needs to be humbled, and quickly. looking at the average idol lifespan since literally the start of kpop, when jungkook debuted he should have been expecting nothing else but to be RETIRED by now. it was only through sheer luck that bts did what they did and are still even active a decade later I don't think he understands how close he was to being a failed solo singer turned gym instructor by now. all he ever knew was steadily going UP and now he's moved the goalpost so far for himself he can't see how ridiculous he's being. fucking scooter brown...

he himself is the sole argument we need against debuting idols underage because bro has internalized the panopticon and is struggling to grow up in every sense of the word and I feel bad for even being one of the eyes on him. he's a person for real but most people (including himself) only see him as our entertainment.

no matter how we look at it, the military will be a much needed reset...

#anon #rant

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fmdxsuji · 1 year

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summary: suji encounters a fan who tells her everything she’s ever wanted to hear date: around midnight promotions word count: 676 words ooc note: -

while suji doesn’t like to make very bold, definite statements, she can’t seem to hide the fact that midnight is her favorite album to this day. that’s why she was more excited than usual for her promotional round. of course, it wouldn’t last long just like her other solo promotions, but she was still glad to be able to share it with her fans.

fan signs were always something that suji looked forward to. while she was aware that getting picked could be difficult, and she’d love to change how they worked, she couldn’t just change the industry with the snap of her fingers. that’s why she tried her best to ensure that every fan who came got their money’s worth. no matter what others may think, she knew that coming to her fan signs was not an easy task for her fans, and she wanted to make them feel appreciated.

this fan sign hadn’t been all too different from her others. she put on some cute hats and props that her fans handed to her and made sure to look at all the cameras. she listened to all her fans, and she was excited to hear that they also enjoyed this album quite a bit. there were a few fans who were upset that she didn’t come out with a power ballad, but they also made sure to add on that they still loved the shift in sound that she managed to comeback with.

suji’s going on with the event when fan number 57 gets on the stage. she’s in the middle of posing with one of her gifted props when the female approaches. while she found it impossible to remember every single fan who came by, she was pretty good at noticing if someone was here for the first time.

“is this your first time here?”

the fan simply nodded before pointing down at the album. she flipped over to the page they had assigned and read the sticky note they put down and signed it to their name. seeing that they weren’t saying much, suji thought that maybe they were nervous or shy, so she continued the conversation on her own.

“did it take you a long time to get here? do you live far away?” looking up, the fan nodded before clearing her throat. she was getting ready to ask her another question to keep the conversation flowing when the fan spoke up. she quickly finished up her signature and looked up, making sure to make eye contact.

“i know you probably hear this a lot, but i want to tell you that you really changed my life. your solo debut came out when i was in my last year of high school and i wanted to give up, but then i heard big mini world and gained lots of strength.”

as the fan spoke, suji could see her hands shaking so she reached over and grabbed them before giving her an encouraging smile. “i don’t usually try for fan signs, but i really wanted to tell you this in person. i was pretty lucky because i only bought one album and made it. am i not allowed to say that?”

suji chuckles as she shakes her head. “it’s totally fine, and i’m happy that i got to meet you as well. thank you for telling me that. i’ll remember it forever, i promise,” she states before offering a pinky promise. her fan manager was telling them that the fan’s time was up, and so the fan quickly stood up.

this wasn’t the first time that she’s heard such words, but they never get old. it’s exactly the reason why she started making music, and she was glad that the fan mustered up the courage and told her about it, especially because it was her debut album, one that she didn’t love to go back and listen to because everything feels so amateur.

it’s reasons like this why she continues to write, and she really does think she’ll remember the fan forever.

#famedtask12 #( ♡ * // self para. )

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oneuldoh · 1 year

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06월 06일 2023년

Life Log — Entry # 03

I almost made a new account here on Tumblr. I deleted it after 5 minutes of signing up. I (again) wanted to make a separate account for personal stuff. I tried doing it four months ago and when I did, I stopped posting all together; thinking no one’s going to read it anyway. But that was the point though? I ended up deleting it and moving back to this account.

I just couldn’t delete this account mainly because I have followers here even though I haven’t interacted with most of them. Anyways! I decided to make a side blog instead so I could still access my main account. I made this private too so I could post at ease without having to worry about getting judged. Guess I’ll never be comfortable spilling my thoughts out in the open.

This week, dad and I are alone at home. Mom went to Japan and will be staying there for a week. Jan is at Boracay with Pau, babysitting. I’m doing my best to do house chores while getting my stuff organized.

These days I am trying to be productive by:

Cleaning up my socials. I set up my Letterboxd account! I also made a new YouTube channel because I felt like separating my fangirling account will make my life seem like it’s organized. I also cleaned up my Twitter accounts.

Applying to jobs. I’ve been applying to jobs since last year but I didn’t took it way too seriously. Now that I’m desperate for money, I’m taking it seriously by answering calls and attending those damned interviews. I really suck at interviews. I stutter a lot and I couldn’t make a cohesive sentence. Maybe it’s one of the reasons why I couldn’t get a job offer. Oh, I have a scheduled interview this Thursday at Makati near my old office. It’s an 8am-5pm job and I’m not sure if I’m ready to commute. I hope there’s a job opportunity where I could work from home.

Listening to kpop boy group discographies! These days I’m into EXO, BTOB, and Seventeen! I’m kinda giddy that I’m discovering these groups like I’m in my teens again. I can’t believe I only liked one boy group since 2007 and that’s Bigbang. There’s news that TOP is no longer with YG and Bigbang. GD’s contract ended, too. Well, Still Life felt like it was a really good bye but I was hoping it was a See You Again type of song. Anyway! I’m listening to all of these boy groups’ albums from their first album release up to present. I want to sincerely enjoy their music. I have been following EXO since 2020 but I haven’t had the chance to discover their old songs so I couldn’t say that I’m a solid fan yet. As for BTOB, I’ve known them because of Sung-Jae BUT it’s just this year that I wanted to dive into their fandom because of Chang-Sub. I would say he’s my bias. I discovered him thru his Youtube segment Jeongwaja in ootb studio’s YouTube channel (I’ve watched all of his videos! This week, he’ll go back to the military as a promise for reaching 500k subscribers haha!) As for Seventeen, I’ve been seeing this member on Twitter and he’s just handsome af haha! His name’s Wonwoo! Although I hate getting into boy groups with more than 10 members (my memory is frail plus I can’t remember who’s singing), this group may be an exception. Their albums and songs are all a bop (although most of it were kinda sound the same). I really liked it!

Here’s a song I recently discovered that I like:

Chanyeol launched his personal YouTube channel! He talked about the meaning behind his channel name and how he got it (thanks to Zzar!). Zzar stole the show here. She knows she’s the boss haha! Hoping to get to know more of Chanyeol through his YouTube! He’s my bias (just look at that face!!!!) and seeing him with Zzar made me fall in love with him more.

I know this is a distraction from SM Ent because of the ongoing lawsuit. I hope all members of EXO leave that shitty company and just make their own company. I’ll support them no matter what happens!

Photo credit of Chanyeol’s drawing

Anyway! I typed a lot which is new. Maybe because no one’s going to read about this? And I didn’t care about whether my sentences made sense or not. I just wanted to post something.

It’s currently 11:30pm and I wake up at 6am to drink meds. Oh, I finally finished all those big pills for treating TB today. I was taking 1200mg of meds in the past two months. I can finally say good bye to those big pills. Tomorrow onwards, I’ll be taking the small pills. Hopefully, my month 2 sputum result is negative. Lately I’ve been coughing again.

Anyways. Bye for now!

#Life Log #EXO #엑소 #Park Chanyeol #BTOB #비투비 #Spotify

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perpetual-fool · 1 year

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Old Music

I was looking up some of the music I used to listen to. It's unnerving how it still resonates with me. Like, I don't have a problem with something like Evanescence or Three Days Grace. Or even Relient K, which is sort of like clean version of Fall Out Boy ('Must Have Done Something Right' vs 'XO'). But, Jars of Clay, DC Talk, Thousand Foot Krutch, Pillar, Skillet, Red. Some of it is nostalgia, I'm sure. For instance, Jar of Clay was first album I ever listened to, and I still haven't heard anything else like it. But the Christian stuff is upbeat, hopeful in a way that other stuff just isn't. It's usually sex, heartbreak, pain, conflict. And sometimes love. But none of them are like 'this sucks, but it's going to be okay'. And yeah, that hope is a lie. I don't mean in the sense that there is no god. I mean in that religion sets itself up as the cure and the poison. 'All have fallen short of the glory of God', you deserve to burn, but god will forgive you, conditionally.

~Will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl?

Is there any real hope? 'No matter who you are, no matter what you've done, you are precious to me. You are not alone. We'll get through this together.' Where could that possibly come from? It could only be from each other. And I guess it's easy for me, sequestered in my little hole, to think people are fundamentally good. Which would sound strange to anyone who knows me. People's behavior appears to me to be insane and/or evil, and I've spent a lot of time trying to figure that out. But it doesn't make any sense to me, so I can't believe that. And it's easy for me to think that people who do harm are simply confused, barring a small number of exceptions. Like, even if someone genuinely doesn't care about the well-being of others, it should still be useful to act like they do. Or, capitalists destroying the world doesn't make sense, because that's where the money comes from. But to take an extreme example, could people have compassion for rapists and murderers? Not to forgive them, or to accept them in your life, but to think that even if they need to be contained for the good of others, they're still people. And people don't deserve to suffer. But maybe I'm just naive, never having been wronged like that. (And maybe I'm a bad person for not understanding how that feels.)

~You plead to everyone, "See the art in me"

And it's so easy to get right and wrong twisted up. Like, 'doing the bad thing is good actually, because blah blah the greater good. And it's harmful if you believe the wrong things, and it's harmful if you believe the right things but in the wrong way. And if you've ever made a mistake then you're a bad person. And doing anything good for yourself is bad because there are people who need things more than you do.' And I know I'm a freak. Other people do want vengeance, they do wish misfortune on those they don't like or think their enemy. And maybe they really don't care about the good of others. No one's going to think 'My enemy is my friend, and my friend has lost their way.' And maybe that's just not possible in this world, maybe scarcity, the mechanics of power, or the biases of natural selection just don't allow for it. And aside, 'lost their way' would probably imply that *I* know what's right and you should do what I want you to. Which really would mean 'what you are is not okay'. And my way is not your way, I have no right to tell you otherwise. Even with the obvious wrongness of religion and the concept of worship. People need love and acceptance, it's not their fault if that comes with fear and shame and hate. It's our fault for not providing something better. Even with UU stuff, there's still this reverence of the universe or whatever. Submission to a 'higher power', I think. As if that higher power is going to take care of you. It separates you from the thing, prevents understanding. But, if people can't look the abyss in the eye, if they need to believe that there's something out there taking care of them, then it would be wrong to try and take that from them.

~I wish you well, wish I could help, but I can't help you find yourself

This would all sound very strange to anyone who knew me in my youth. I went over this with a therapist once. When I lost my faith, I didn't just start over, tabula rasa. I flipped. All the same mechanisms remained, the condemnation just ran the other way. I didn't know what I was doing, but it was wrong to turn that on you. I'm sorry, Stevie. And I'm sorry I can't make it up to you. I would like to think, at this point, I could try to be that person. I could try to accept people for who they are, as they are, and do whatever good I can. I dunno, maybe get friendly with people at a UU place and ask if there's anything they need doing. Or see what kind of volunteer work might be in the area. But I still don't get along with people. Just asking people for what I need to understand them is enough to make them hate me. And anything I say gets twisted into something else. I still can't do anything right. I'm still a stupid piece of shit.

The only person I could do any good for is myself. This is a very strange feeling. People don't want you to accept yourself, do they? You're always supposed to feel bad about something or other. I cam imagine accepting someone else, and I can imagine telling them they should accept themselves. But turning that compassion on myself? I might tell someone else, you are not your mistakes. Hating yourself only causes needless suffering, being paralyzed by guilt only keeps you from growing. You don't have to be good enough. You don't need to deserve help. Bringing happiness would be the right thing to do whether you deserve it or not. And that doesn't change if that person who's suffering is you. You should do things just because you like them. You should try new things and make a fool of yourself. You should ask the stupid questions. And you should accept that there's some things you can't do. And that sometimes you may just not have the strength to act. And sometimes things are out of your hands. And still it would be no less right to ease your suffering, and add to your joy.

And I suppose I don't have an excuse as to why this wouldn't apply to myself as well. It's hard to change. I still don't want to be alone. I still want to connect. And this still means giving up on that, and accepting that everyone else is wrong. I had to burn through every possibility, every last hope to get here. If there was anything left that I could do to get someone to love me, I'd be doing that instead. And it's not like there aren't plenty of groups willing to trade acceptance for your soul. But none of them fit. I'm just built wrong, ya' know?

'I am alone. I look at the heavens and think them empty. And if not empty, I find the idea of worshiping whatever dwells there obscene. It doesn't change what's right. If there is nothing but what we make in this world, let us make good.'

- (https://youtu.be/a8ndQK9M--U)

There was one incident, a 'lesson' during youth group. The youth pastor was doing this demonstration with bite-size Snickers bars. He presented us with two, one still in the wrapper and one bare. He asked us to choose one, and the other would be thrown away. This was supposed to be a metaphor about our contempt for sinners and how we should tolerate them anyway, to phrase it as what it actually meant. But when he got to me, I chose the 'dirty' one. Someone said, probably jokingly, "Wow, A***** is more like Jesus than any of us!" But, I saw him unwrap it. I knew exactly where it had been. And the other one, still in it's wrapper, would still be clean when I pulled it out of the trash later. I could have both. That probably sounds like it spoils the metaphor, but I don't think it does. It doesn't make sense to me that people should be condemned for making mistakes or for being what they are. You shouldn't just be tolerated, you are not dirty.

~Unique voice among the many, in this choir. Tuning into each other, lift all higher

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