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apalapucian · 7 days

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in the universe where sirius is the first to find out that lily likes james — properly, seriously, undeniably fancies him — james has already expressed his desire to give up and move on and forget and other things along these lines. honestly sirius can't remember the exact details; he might have zoned out when the speech started to get a bit repetitive (which tends to happen during james's Lily Speeches TM). and, anyway, the relevant thing right now is just that at the end of that particular Lily Speech TM, james was like, no one remind me of her, okay, no one talk to me about her, i'm Moving On, i'm serious, which of course proceeded to derail them all because of course sirius had to go, no, i'm sirius actually. at that point the conversation had already gotten so convoluted and moot remus just opted to walk out, main point having been provided already (see: james is officially Moving On), dragging peter out of the room with him.

and, like, another factor to consider here, if you have a bit more time, is that the whole fucked up prank thing with snape is still kind of fresh-ish around this time. remus and sirius just started talking again. james is no longer looking at sirius with that gut-wrenching Look Of Doubt. (unbeknowst to sirius currently, this will be his brain's reference for vivid nightmares years later, when he's in azkaban and there's nothing else to do but bask in another fuck-up. the biggest one of his life. the Royal Fuck-Up, if you will, so big all his other fuck-ups might as well have not existed at all in their littleness.)

(but that's later.)

right now, post-prank, pre-james and lily dating and everything else that comes with that, the marauders are back to normal at last is what i'm saying. back to normal more or less. lessons were learned and lines were drawn and people are changed for the better, you know? and sirius will be the first to tell you now that what he did was fucked up, that he fucked up, and that at the core of that fuck-up was him being careless about a secret that was not his and had no business running his mouth around about. that is why, now, even though he's dying to, he doesn't tell james. it's not his secret. (and lily clearly doesn't want it shared.)

he doesn't tell james that the girl he's been in love with since forever has been looking at him A Certain Way for a while now, that she keeps ambushing sirius for half-hour interviews with questions like, what was he like as a kid? what's his favorite color? what does he like to eat for breakfast? like sirius gave birth to and raised the guy himself or something. (by the way: loud and rambunctious, gryffindor red, and, most recently, sunny side up eggs and applewood smoked bacon and buttered salt bread if he has time, just a banana yogurt drink if he doesn't. you're welcome.)

he doesn't tell james that lily evans cried for like three hours in that secret alcove on the astronomy tower when james kissed jeanne marchbanks in front of everyone at the slaghorny party (a stupid thing benjy fenwick came up with; supposed to parallel slughorn's party where most of them are not invited to), and the kiss was lasvicious and lasted long enough to be worthy of the stupid party name. horny slags alright. everyone cheered of course. even sirius, actually. just for, like, solidarity. and only for the first three seconds, swear. only until he noticed lily by the door, still dressed formally, just arrived, it seemed, and presumably just snuck out of slughorn's. she was wide-eyed and open-mouthed and ashen at the sight. then she was turning around, heading back out. the portrait door had already swung close after her and james's damn tongue was still down marchbanks' throat. so. you know. great. spectacular.

sirius grabbed as many beers as he could hold from the alcohol stash and gestured to remus that he would be out. remus seemed concerned and curious, but otherwise said nothing. asked no questions. just nodded.

ten minutes later (he had to use the map, because christ that woman could power walk), lily was crying on his shoulder and cursing like a sailor. i like him, what the fuck. what do i do now. this is terrible. what the fuck do i do.

and sirius didn't know. how the fuck was he supposed to know what to do. he could barely handle himself. he just kinda sat there and let her cry. offered her beer. opened the bottles for her. held the bottles for her when she kept doing these impassioned hand gestures as she talked, almost smashing one against the wall by her own head (very james of her, sirius noted). chanted not my secret not my business not my secret not my business in his head like a mantra.

the problem though, is that he's sure this is the girl james is going to marry. and it's not like, some corny gut feeling or some shit. i mean sure there's some of that, maybe. but most of it is proper evidence-based. like james and lily's mutual stupidity about being in love, and lily's easy dynamic with their silly little group, and sirius's unquestionable expertise in all things james potter. he's not gonna write a fucking essay about it, okay, but lily is definitely long-term, sirius is certain. and he doesn't want to just — do nothing.

so that night, on the astronomy tower, just for something to do, he asked lily, "hey, do you like dogs?"

and she's so surprised by the randomness of it she actually laughed, tear-streaked and all. "what?"

"do you like dogs?"

"yes...? who doesn't?"

"dunno. cat people?"

"ah, i do like cats, too. i like both, i guess."

"what if it's, like, a really big dog?"

"i — what are you talking about?"

he thought about it one last time. then, very seriously: "i can turn into a dog."

she blanked for a bit. then, "but that's — "

"illegal, yeah."

"huh." she didn't seem alarmed, or maybe she wasn't yet, then. she just seemed like — she was trying to figure him out. "why are you telling me this right now?"

"i thought it would... cheer you up or something." it suddenly seemed very silly. "never mind."

she laughed again, this time closer to not-gonna-cry-again territory. "you can't just tell someone about illegal shit and be all, never mind. that's crazy."

he shrugged. "i know you won't tell."

"how do you know? i'm a prefect. i could very well tell."

"because you're you. and it's me." and it's james.

"what does that mean."

"just take it as you will."

"i don't know how to take it at all."

sirius felt slightly annoyed then. "then don't take it. just forget it."

she was still looking at him like he's a jigsaw puzzle, and his pieces were all scattered about. but at least now she had officially stopped crying. thank god. "can you do it easily?" she asked. "turn and then turn back? or do you need time and stuff?"

"i can do it both ways pretty much on command now."

"you've been drinking though."

he returned the jigsaw puzzle look. it's — it was just such a lily evans thing to say, is all. it was very distinctly lily evans to consider that. "it's okay," he said. "should be fine."

she was quiet. she still wasn't crying anymore, but she was — she'd gotten contemplative. "padfoot," she said quietly after some time, more to herself than anything.

and he thought, then, that he should've known. that of course she would figure it out that quick. the nicknames become pretty obvious once you're in on one. he wondered if she was thinking about the rest of them, figuring out that it's not just him. wondered what she was making of moony. if she thought of them less. if — god — sirius had fucked up once again and just made her think of james less, which was really what mattered.

"it's just me," he said, scrambling, then instantly feeling stupid. yeah. nice save, dumbass. "i swear."

"okay," was all she said. and — she knew. she knew then, for sure. and sirius started panicking a bit. but then she smiled, and it was a kind, understanding smile, classic lily, and he's not quite sure how she did (slash does) it, but it was suddenly like it's perfectly alright that she did know, that he didn't have to elaborate or worry about anything.

(he knows because it's the exact same feeling, the same brand of magic as james opening his fucking mansion door summer previous, looking at the state of sirius and then saying, you look fucking terrible, come in, not questioning the bag containing his entire sorry life and taking him in, forever, like he's lived there all his life.)

(they both chase sirius's panic out, is the thing. so easily.)

then, she asked, "can you do it now?"

he choked on his drink, mid-swig. "now? like, turn?"

"yeah."

"why? you don't believe me?"

"no. i just thought you were offering. to 'cheer me up or something'."

"um. yeah, okay. sure."

not long after that, after laughing at the absurdity of the giant black dog suddenly in her presence, her chortles started morphing back into sobbing, in the way high emotions shift and blur into each other sometimes. he let her, curling up best he could in that alcove, and she cried, and held on, and — well, that's how the whole padfoot thing started.

as in this thing where james comes to dinner holding hands with jeanne tonight and lily drops her fork and looks at sirius dead in the eye, and just goes, right there at the gryffindor table in the great hall, sirius in the middle of chewing a mouthful of chicken, "padfoot, can i talk to you? now?"

and of course everyone is bewildered. no one calls sirius black that besides the boys. the last non-marauder moron who tried it got the worst of the Signature House Of Black Glares, the one that must be a nonverbal jinx by the way it leaves you jelly-limbed and dry-mouthed and unable to even glance at sirius's general direction for the next ten business days.

and lily evans just. so nonchalantly did it.

but even more bewildering to everyone, for sure: sirius looking right back at her, zero glare, taking his time swallowing and not fazed at all. then, after primly wiping his mouth with a napkin, he smiles, gets to his feet, and says, "alright."

—

for @jilymicrofics' prompt for may 3: map. except it's 1,700+ words lol so it's now for @jilymicro-oops :)

i realized there's also azkaban thrown in there, so it's also an advance entry for may 15. thanks for reading!

writing tag // ao3