#cause i wrote this then i relaized like

[kurosstuff]

Cassandra Dimitrescu x reader: Courting gone wrong?

Summary: Cassandra likes you, but with how she's "courting" you, you think she's constantly threatening you.

Warning(s): cassandra being a little feral shit, blood, violence, kinda detailed body detatchment(?), death(not readers), one or two dead animals, want to throw up(doesnt happen)

When you first became a maid you learned the rules fast, how to handle yourself around the Dimitrescu's sisters, to not draw attention.

All attention is bad attention no matter how you look at it.

Sure, being around Lady Bela is kinda safer then her sisters-she won't go around killing every maid in her way unless provoked. But even Bela is unsafe. That fact was proven once again when a maid spilt the mop bucket on her, she was shortly make into wine later on for the Lady of the house herself.

Lady Daniela was.. an interesting woman, but with how,, delusional she can be- she will attempt to recreate what she read but if you don't play along... well the mess left a stain for a month.

And the middle child- Lady Cassandra easily the most sadistic and purposefully dangerous of the sisters- be in the same room, possibility of survival is slim- look into her eyes? Speak a little louder then you should? Just sentenced yourself to tormented in a sick twisted game of hers, or if your lucky be personally dragged into the cellar for some wine making by Lady Cassandra herself. Of course it could be random as well-. So the one to look out for is Lady Cassandra from your own experiences with the sisters

Being the personal maid is usually fine as well, people say it's the golden ticket- it's anything but- especially if you so happen to be Lady Cassandra's personal Maid. Then no, it is not fine, out of the sisters-she has gone through the most personal maids, saying "Oh its fine! It's much more fun this way" or "they were far to boring to be my maid." And as her new maid. Well you accepted your fate soon enough, sad as it is- it's only a matter of time.

-

Cleaning her weaponry took longer then it usually does- seems like she had.. fun with her last playmate, the hand in the far back corner gave away the cleanup wasn't that successful. Drawing your attention back to dagger in your hand, a sigh escaped you, the bloody cloth drenching your apron in faded red as you scrubbed taking a moment or to as to wash the cloth in the bucket at your side. Soon enough the dagger looked almost as good as new- minus the damages to the handle itself the blade was shiny as ever.

Placing it down, as you moved to her- new favorite toy-a want to yell in annoyance filled your throat-but you gulped it down least you want unwanted company. A slight creek was heard behind you, looking back it was silent as it was in the room before, going back to cleaning a figure materialized behind you. Like a predator towards their prey, they crept up silently the bloody sickle by their side dripped liquid as they stalked forward, lifting the weapon up, slamming it down beside you- impaling the wood next to your head. A surprised squeak escaped you- a dark chuckle escaped the predator themselves behind you- revealing the one worse of any common predator. Lady Cassandra

"Aww little mouse. Did I scare you?" Snickering she stood back, watching you like a hawk, urging you to say something, all you did was stand up turn and bow not looking her in the eyes just yet- her smirk grew "well well, isn't this a sight. My lovely maid is all bloodied up." Looking at your apron in what sounded like fake concern

"no that will not do. Oh no not at all" Shaking her head slightly, Great seems like she's in a playful mood "the only one allowed to bloody you up is me. Not some dried up toy. Now go wash up" with a wave of her hand "then come back and wash my sickle"

"Of course Lady Cassandra" with that you hurriedly left.

-

Walking the corridors down to your room, was never fun, nor pleasant. Even now from your new room, all personal maids get their own room, sounds nice but not in the slightest. The room is near who they now belong to. Yours is infront of Lady Cassandra's room- something about how if she wants you to come to her, you won't take to long that way.

It's been- two months since you begin to be her personal Maid. One of the few longest who stayed Alive, even longer to not be hurt to much in Lady Cassandra's games. You'd say you'd be proud of it if you didn't want to jinx it. But as of late she seemed to find a new way to torment, one that didn't involve harming physically.

Opening the door, the rotten smell caught your attention first, the bloody mangled thing on your pillow. Your nose wrinkled at the smell- sighing as you walked towards the bed, at least the put the thing on a paper Towel- as if to not bloody your bed. Not sure why she cares now she's bloodied it before.

Grabbing a towel kept close for this reason you picked it up and went to the far garbage bin- looking at the thing in the bin. A cold shudder crept your spine- disgust filled you. If you saw this when you first joined you'd throw up- if not from the sight then the sickening smell.

It was a severed human hand

-

This wasn't the first time she's threanted you in this way, nor will it be the last time.

The first time it happened- whatever you'd wanna call it exactly. You assumed one of the sisters was upset with you. You almost screamed but stopped yourself. Anyone would if they opened their door and saw a dead tattered rabbit on the ground with a bloody letter saying 'Your eyes are pretty' not that great to wake up too. The letter itself also made your heartstop- the unsettling feeling of being watched didn't help either.

And it was a pain to clean as well- scrubbing the carpet until it left a faint pink mark, that took days to leave as well. The rabbit itself you buried in the backyard when you were able. Unknowing of the yellow eyes that watched you do so. The note itself if not bloody would have been sweet, but you threw it away right after, the unknowing threat creeped you out.

You assumed it was Lady Daniela who did this. Couldn't think of anyone else who would do such a thing. Imagine your surprise from the late, visitor that night

"I see the little mouse didn't like the present left for them?" A question made out to be a demand, sitting on your bed Lady Cassandra scuffed Glaring at you before bringing her attention elsewhere "hm. Your room is to boring. Put some statues in it- like the rabbit" She added fully aware of where it was kept

"Lady Cassandra- I'm very sorry. I didn't know it was you" you didn't wanna say it was a gift from her- cause- that'd be crazy- her of all people give a gift? No way, not in a million years. Even if you wanted it- which weirdly now that you think of it, you hoped it was. It would be much better then have it be some new threatening game of hers. Scuffing she stood, staring down at you before she could say anything-

Her mother called out to her- making her buzz off. Saved by the bell you guessed in a way. Switching aprons quickly you turned and went to your next job.

Cleaning the music room- not belonging just to Lady Bela but Lady Cassandra visits the room from time to time. She refuses to say why, but you have to guess she's good at music-or just liked to listen to it. The noises from the tightly locked room is always pleasant to hear. Luckily you don't have to go to far, opening the door you walked in closing it behind you.

"Well, hello little one." A voice called out, looking back you saw the only other Dimitrescu's who enters here the most- Lady Bela herself sitting at the piano, "Didn't expect to see Cassandra's pet entering here, much less looking healthy" She spoke mumbling the last part, not bothering to look up. She went back to the piano.

"Hello Lady Bela" you greeted before getting started to clean around, a hum was all you got, before a single piano key rung in the room stopping you for a moment, then another before a full on beautiful song started to play. Stealing a quick glance the Lady seemed to be in her element-not a blood filled one but and element anyways. Going back to cleaning all that left was the piano. You weren't allowed to touch the paintings or the music books littering the walls. So it doesn't take that long to clean thankfully

As the final key was hit Lady Bela stood with a silent hum, standing back for you to clean, watching you as you did. Brushing the towel over the keys as you sprayed, gently as to not push them accidentally. You closed of for a moment to clean the top seal of the keys before continuing

"Do you play?" Lady Bela asked suddenly, taking a seat beside you. Glancing at her quickly you went back to cleaning

"Not really my Lady. I've never played, never learned" you answered quickly, leaning forward she tried to catch your full attention.

"No? I can show you-" the door slammed open cutting her off, as a mass of bugs flew towards you both angrily

"What the fuck do you think your doing Bela." Cassandra spoke angrily grabbing you harshly pulling you up in a tight hold on your arm "this is my maid. Get your own damn maid." She hissed out pulling you along with her, once you both exited the room she glared at you- as if you really pissed her off, and in this case? You had.

" 'My Lady'" She mocked seething as she pulled you with her "what are you hers now? Don't like how I treat you so you go run off to the better sibling right?" Turning sharply she pulled you into a room. Her room. Letting you go, you rubbed your wrist slightly- the sight seemed to piss her off more "don't even try to lie to me either, I know it's true" she spoke her voice having a slight waver in it. You had to think quick- or this could be the last day on earth for you

"Lady Cassandra- I meant no offense I don't want to be her maid. I want to be just yours." Just yours, the words echoed in your mind, before you cringed at the thought. Would be disgusted if the younger you found out you'd later love the one who loved to torment you and the others. But luckily it seemed to please her, just a bit but enough.

"Good from now on if you are to clean when I'm in there. If you want to learn you will learn from me. Not some wannabe piano player. Got it" without waiting for a response-not that she'd need it she stalked forward caging you against the wall. "Now. You made me leave my meal behind. You wouldn't mind if I took a quick snack would you?" Lady Cassandra spoke leaning in close, her eyes narrowing as if actually waiting for consent. Nodding your head in agreement she smirked devilishly leaning close to your ear.

"I'll be gentle don't worry"

-

She was in fact not gentle at all.

She bit so hard and took so much you were on bedrest for a whole week- so weak to even stand up, it seemed like Lady Cassandra took pity on you as she carried you to your room, and actually tucked you in. Not before wrapping your neck surprisingly. With this- she was gentle, the blood drinking? No not at all. You were ordered not to talk in the meantime but you could tell she was- stressed. About what? You weren't sure

During the week of your recovery, you still were given threats. But not as bloody as the ones before. Just things made of bone? Or something. Or a random dead bird.

She still seemed to hate you even if she was caring for you? You assumed she was savoring her meal

-

When you were able to move around healthily again, you were given easier jobs for the time being. Just to follow your Lady around for the first part of the morning to cleaning her room. Then follow her to the music room. Then rest. And then repeat for the rest of the week

Lady Cassandra has been even more standoffish and quiet then she usually was. Even going as far as staying as far away from you as she can, even though she herself said you had to be near her when your out of your room. Huffing in annoyance as she fluttered away yet again, you knew where to find her around this time.

Her weapon room

One of the places she goes to most- especially if she feels upset or just wants to entertain herself for a bit. Her safe place. Quickly speedwalking there, you thought up a million things to say to her, to ask her whats the problem-hopefully you'll live, or you'll die trying to care.

Entering the words you rehearsed dried up as quickly as you figured it out. Gulping nervously, Lady Cassandra was currently stabbing a mannequin with her sickle-in a uncoordinated way. You called out to her causing her to stop for a moment. Letting her sickle go she let it stick in the mannequin as she turned to face you.

Guilt

Guilt on her face, not letting her look you in the eyes, the refusal to properly own up to her own personal mistake. She couldn't do it. She couldn't face you. Not look at the bandage on your neck- it was weird she could look at many inhuman horrible stuff and laughs-cause she causes it. But not this time.

Thinking quickly you decided to talk about random stuff that popped up in your head- moving around the room to clean as you did so. Slowly her eyes looked up over at you following you as you worked. "-and I thought it was kinda funny, how the man just gave his wife the animal as a gift and she just- left him? Like-" laughing softly. You gently wiped the scratched up table top. "Who even gives a dead animal as a gift though-?" Speaking the question aloud more so to yourself then the silent company in the room. Turning around back to the mannequin she finally spoke

"I mean. Giving animals and bones are pretty romantic right? Like that courting people do" Lady Cassandra awkwardly said her back turned to you. She seemed more tense then usual

Staying silent for a moment, you couldnt tell what she meant by that, but you assuned she was just confused or making a weird joke "I mean no one court's someone like that- that's for sure" you gave a soft laugh

She froze

"What..?" Turning to face you her face showed complete confusion, as if this was the first she's ever heard of such a thing. "You.. don't give dead animals to people you like for.. courting" She asked dumbfounded "or something like that of course" she hurriedly added.

"Um- yeah no. I'm not sure of anyone who gave such a thing to someone in a courting way" speaking you looked away to beginning cleaning again- failing to see Lady Cassandra's face paling even more then it already was "like for example, my father gave my mom some of her favorite flowers and books everytime he saw her." Explaining more in depth, Lady Cassandra looked more and more embarrassed the more you explained it too her

"Then what do you think I was doing this whole time" Lady Cassandra spoke before she could stop herself. Dropping the rag you turned to face her- seeing a red faced Lady Cassandra a shock too see but not unwelcomed "no. I didn't say that" pointing her pointer finger at you. She grumbled face deep red "no- i- stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"In awe at what I totally didn't say." Huffing she stormed up to you, standing before you eyes locked together once again. "Well? What do you have to say" breaking out of your trance you blinked looking at her before smiling

"Well if I'd known it was in a courting way, I'd tell you, I feel the same" your face felt warm, confessing in a room of weapons was the last thing you thought would happen. Much less to the person you just confessed too. Bringing her hands to your face she pulled you close to her gently, leaning her forehead against yours for a moment before speaking

"..can I kiss you" her voice surprisingly soft, ready to bounce back away if you declined all you did was nod in agreement. Smirking she leaned in-before freezing her breath on your lips. Then pulled away "wait. Hold on" zooming out dragging you with her she brought you to her room, then rushed to the bathroom. Coming back face fresh not a trace of dried or new blood, walking towards you again she led you to sit on the bed beside her. Waiting.

"Cassandra what was the book Lady Daniela gave you advice from?" You asked looking up in her arms, stopping for a moment, she shifted into a swarm of flies buzzing off but returning quickly with a blue book handing it too you. Opening the first page you froze, stiffening a laugh. "Is-is this the book? Are you sure?"

"I'd love to kiss you now If you'd like-" you spoke. Sparking new confidence in the woman who put her hands on your shoulder. Before stopping looking at you. Tilting your head to the side in, biting her bottom lip she moved forwards, eyes fluttering shut as yours did too.

Cold, practically ice cold lips were pressed firmly-yet in an unsure way, soft yet It still kept her rough nature in it. Cradling her face in your hands you brought her closer. Her lips warming up the longer they stayed against yours. A buzzlike pur vibrated from the back of her throat. Smiling against her your arms moved to wrap around her neck, her hands moved to your waist rubbing comfortably under your shirt a bit. Pushing you down gently, never once breaking the kiss she moved to straddle your hips biting playful at your bottom lip before pulling away, smiling in a uncharacteristically gentle happy way down at you

"That was lowly Lady Cass-"

"Just call me Cassandra. We practically made out so safe to say you can drop the formality" Cassandra snickered moving to lay next to you. An arm snaked under you pulling you almost on top of her-the other moved around your waist hugging you in a way.

"If I only followed that book Daniela gave me. Then we'd been here sooner" Cassandra spoke a buzz like pur escaping her throat as she did. Putting your head under her chin you smiled- but then curiosity caught up to you. Leaning back as much as she'd allow you looked over at her

"Yes. It is why. What's so funny?

"This is a book about how to see signs if a cat likes you."

[kajaono]

X men master post

I am allways a little bit surprised that the X-men movies are not more popular by „diverse“ people. I can understand why the MCU is favored by many white straight male persons but let me break down the XMCU a little bit for you and why it actually has a lot more depth and diversity then the MCU. And they did important stuff when it came to disability and female representation around 10 years before the MCU did it.

Diversity, with in the main cast:

Logan: While he first appears as a hot wet male dream his character actually has way more depth. He suffers from PTSD and amnesia. While in the MCU Tonys PTSD was (mostly) only discussed in Iron man 3 Logans PTSD is a constant companion in every story that features him. He suffers from sleeplessness and nightmares. He shows sign of affection towards the man who tortured him. And even long after he has got his memory back and found out why he sufferes from PTSD the triggers are still there. And they can be activated at any given moment. Like in Days of future past where one look at a young version of guy who will torture him some where in a distant future was enough to gave him a panic attack and flashbacks. And all of this (nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks) are happening in every movie and are making it nearly impossible for him to find a home or form stable relationships with other people.

Erik: A jewish man. And being jewish is a big and important part of the character. It is still a superhero movie so we never see him celebrating jewish holidays but he is constantly reminding the viewer that we never should forgot what happend back then in the KZ without reducing him to that. But actually showing how he overcomes his grief and anger by making it a constant companion of him. 

Charles: A disabled man. While his disability is never shown as something that stops him from doing stuff (because he has a fancy sci fi wheelchair) there is a whole movie that shows how he tries to accept his life in a wheelchair. And after he accepted the wheelchair it a constant companion of him so we see him going into fights with a wheelchair and noone finds anything “strange” about that (aka making comments about him). Actually people are more confused when he stays at home. But that doesn’t mean that his disability is ignored.

Rogue: A girl that can actually kill by touching other people. She is perfect example how being different scares other people and make you an outcast. Until that point where you are unable to love and accept yourself. And what i found so fascinating about her story. It showed that it is okay to give up. That we do not can win every fight. That giving up is okay when it is what makes us happy and gives us peace

Powerful female main characters:

In the XMCU women where allways part of the main cast. They were never reduced to love interests or sex objects. They were allways in the middle of the fight and kicking ass. Actually 2 out of 3 X men in the first movie are women. They wear the same outfits as there male comapnions and if your name is Storm you get an extra fancy cape. While on the other hand the women are diverse. They are not wet male dreams of hot women kicking ass but actually you have:

Jean: A doctor. Who is really calming. A loving teacher and girlfriend. Also a little insecure about herself. While also being one of the most powerful mutants around and kicking ass. And she is allowed to say: NO!” Something we rarely see in other superhero movies. In x men 2 she shows signs of attraction and affection towards Logan. But instead of cheating with him on her boyfriend she says: No, please do not let me do that.” Because women are perfectly functional human beings who can still decide against a guy when they feel attraction towards him, knowing it wouldn’t be good for her/or when she wants to protect her relationship with her boyfriend.

Storm: A woman of color. Sadly her character never really got fleshed out.... not like Jeans character. (She deserves a solo movie!) But she is this quiet cool woman who somehow manages to stay away from every relationship drama because she never gets a male love interested forced onto her. She is this kind of women who makes you hyped everytime you see her own screen just because her presence alone is so powerful

Rogue: Actually she is still a child and doesn’t know anything about fighting. She is super insecure. Is really closed off from the world (caused by her powerful mutation) But somehow she is allways in the middle of the battle and saving the world with small actions.

Kitty: While her character gets introcuded really late, and she is actually only a side chatacter, the whole plot of xmen 3 and days of future past would not have worked without her. 

Queer characters:

Nevertheless this is still a superhero and hollywood movie which means queer representation is of cource not present in text. BUT! That doesn’t mean it is not present at all. 1. The whole plot of x men 2 was a LGBTQ metaphore. There is this whole conversation in x men 2 where a mother sits down with her son after he says: Mum i have to tell you something.” Then he comes out as gay a mutant. Later the mother asked when he first relaized that he is gay a mutant. And if he ever tried not to be gay a mutant. Bouns point that actually this character comes out as gay in the comics. Also it has Ian McKellen who highly supports a gay reading of his character Erik.

Yeah Cherik:

From the very first moment they share a deep lovers to enemies relationship with eachother. Because no matter how much they fight against eachother. They allways end up together again, saving eachother, unable to let eachother go. Their relationship ended really tragical in the first timeline. But the new timeline with Fassbender and Mcavoy did not stopped that. They added 100% more homoerotic subtext. And then they wrote a whole movie for them only to explain how they meet and fall in love. And it was so gay that Fassbender and Mcavoy confirmed that FOX seperated them in later movies to reduce the gay subtext. BUT! that did not stop the writers from make it canon in the last movie. Yeah, it is still a Hollywood movie so not canon CANON but if you watch it you will see that it is canon. A little bit like good omens. They are moving in together and playing chess like they allways did... in Paris... the city of love... they couldn’t have been more obvious. Would have been openly queer representation even better? Sure. But with this little ending FOX XMCU achieved more then the MCU in the last 10 years.

The cinematography is perfect. Many may know the scene where Quicksilver is running through the kitchen in light speed listing to music. The movies have so much more of these moments. Also in the early movies where they had less money and CGI. So they need to invest a lot of time into planning how to film exciting scenes while still saving money and time. That resulted in absolut amazing scenes that make especially X men 2 a bless to watch. Also that most of the movies are PG 13 blood is only used where it is needed but then allways in such an aesthetical beautiful way that it is allways blowing my mind.

Body positivity: is a big topic especially in the first three movies. Sure the main characters are all perfect looking people but what matters here are the children. Most of the storyline is playing in a school and not a single one of the kids is a model type person. They are are super mixed, super chubby, super skinny, tall, small,  freckles, curly hair, flat hair etc. And they all dress as bad all children did that grew up in the early 2000s. I think that is especially important for the children that are watching the movies. Becuase they see that all the kids are looking like them and have super powers anyway, no matter what skincolor or body type, so they do need to stress about that

Sexual consent: Especially in the main movies there are never any out of the blue sex moments. And as i allready mentioned Jean says: No” to a kiss with Logan because she doesn’t feel good with it but i think even more important is the scene in x men 3 where Jean goes completly Phoenix and wants to have sex with Logan he first goes along happily because that is what he allways wanted. But in the moment he realizes that Jean is out of her mind and not really there he stop immediatly. He regnoizes her boundaries and says: Let us stop. And let us talk about it tomorrow again.” And i think this scene is so important. It shows the viewer that just because a woman wants to have sex with you it is not necessarily right to use her helplessness as an excuse to actual have sex with her. Instead you should try to get her sober/clean and bring her home. 

Up-to-dateness: Escpecially the older movies are still really up to date. There is this whole scene in X men 2 where police forces are storming into the mutant school by night and are arreasting little children by gun power. Just to imprison them later on, with out food, proper cloths or a lawyer. But also the realization that if you are part of a marginalized group you have to fight 10x times harder to be accepted, that you allways have to good, because one mistake and everyone will hunt you down and bully you again. That gets a nice addaition by the scene in x men 1 where Mystique says that she was afraid to go to school when you was young because of her beng different even though noone can actually see it.

Problems. of course there are problems. Here are the four main ones.

Solo movies: Everything i said about the x men movies does not necessarily have to apply for the solo movies. The Wolverine solo movies allways feature a quick female love interest and fights that get more brutal and bloody with every new solo movie released. They do not take their time to explore Logans PTSD and trauma even more and focus more on the action. And also the female love interest do not know how to fight, are weak, are needing protection and are getting killed off easily.

Storm. Her character was more of a side character from the beginning. She had not really much character development but all in all her character still got treated well (okay in x men 3). It gets horrible in the new movies. In days of future past she only appears because of her powers. She is just standing there and fights. She does not share more then one sentence with the three main characters. With all those characters she is actually really close with in xmen 1 to 3. While all “old” characater (those that allready appeared in x men 1 to 3 and survived) get a heartful goodbye she is excluded from it. Then her origin story happens in Apocolpyse. here she not only joins the bad ones first, she also get absolut sidelined again. Why she joins the good ones in the end is absolut unclear because she never says anything. And i do not even remeber if she even was in Dark Phoenix. Because IF she was in there she probably never said more then one word. We never got the Jean/Scott/Storm origin story we deserve

Rasism. For a movie that is so diverse it has surprisingly few persons of color. Beisde of Storm there is actually no POC in those movies. And let you only need to see above to see how bad she got treated at the end. And then there is still this cursed scene from X men First class where the bad guy says: “You can stay here and live like slaves. Or you can come with me and live like king and queens.” and in the moment he says: Slaves.” the camera focuses on the only black giy in the group who gets murder 5 minutes later. “Kings” zoom at the blond white guy who survives the movie. “Queen” focus on the latina woman in the group who joins the bad guys 5 seconds later and gets injured badly at the end of the movie.

Apocolypse. Actually everyting about this movie is horrible. F.e. while the other movies tried to show how Erik over comes his KZ trauma by making it a part of himself Apocolypse reduces being jewish completly to the KZ and kills off his whole family five minutes later... again. A forced straight romance that leads nowhere. Everything about Storm in this movie. This movie is just cursed.

Also x men 3 feels a little bit off sometimes but this is part of another post

So with the Xmen now joining the MCU i can highly recommend everyone to check out the x men movies. Especially the old ones from 2000 who still have the most depth and do not try to be a copy of the MCU.

So all in all i can highly recommend you to watch the X men movies. And the contunity errors that many MCU fans are laughing about are actually really helpful because it makes the movies more flexible then the MCU movies. And that avoid shitstorms and makes the fandom - most of the time - a really relaxed place to be in

[four-your-safety]

You plant flowers in my mind where my pain was...and i never spoke about my pain, you in the flesh was such a delight that, i had forgotten my rules i had put in place to protect you, but when we were alone In your room wanted you to remember me when i wouldn't be there and i even i forgot the golden rule to ask you if you even wanted me there but the way you said yes and rushed me up there in a heart beat was such a delight.

I hadn't been there before but i knew it was up stairs and the door on the left, it's like i knew where it was by all the times i would of been there.

I remember the day i saw the room that I'd only imagined I'd see, it was smaller then i excepted but posters or bands and fairy lights it was like hevean in her slice of hell and i was just killing time my brain thinking about all the things like oh this desk is smaller then i imagined and the books you had out but it shouldn't that i wanted to do in your room my heart racing my thoughts being stupid i was love drunk on the oder of you.

I started to play with your hair, i should of asked but i told you that your braces made it impossible to lip bite you, i should of asked before i started to man handle your lips, but they wanted you and it seemed so didn't mind where things went i told you that i was awkward especially well it's you the only thing I've ever wanted more then water or air.

I remember one time you told me that you liked lip bites and my brain said let there be blood and we both can be trumantised, i lip bite you as hard as I could and then i relaized what i did and you came back at me with a kiss, I stepped back because I relaized what I did and i forgot by then you were dating but i knew you could keep a secret like all the ones i had buried inside of me that was yours.

I'm glad you didn't come back towards me because I don't know what would of happened next but my adrenalin shaking that I'd do the things that might hurt you in your own safe place.

It takes a dive the next day was worse but you had to figure it out, you knew I was troubled, you knew something has happened but what you must of not realised to later that I was still a shallow of my shadow i was 19 stuck at 17 and i never brought up sex with you because I thought it would be trumantic so I never did but i had to get off some how and because I couldn't have you i had to use alternative methods and I was attracted to younger women for the first time falling for you.

And into the abyss of my mental health i swear I'd never tell you but you asked for my phone and anything I'd give you, if you asked for my heart I would tell you that you can cutt it out but before you do kiss me so it might hurt less as I suffer for you.

You didn't know my past, you only got fragments but it wasn't your fault I wasn't reday for anyone to go searching my memories and now that I am you can cause me pain and I will suffer for you to get your answers even in the build up to my breakdown in all the wrong ways.

This feels like a repeat of a repeat but I need to get it off my mind maybe soon your come back around, i still have some a little more time but for you I'd risk everything, even my mental stability.

I'm now in limbo about things but I'm glad I think your still my certainty. I'm sorry i had taken so long but you must of figured something wasn't right and truth be told i never got to the acceptance stage whenever I got low your shadow was right there reminding me of how much I failed you.. I pushed more than you would know but everytime i got close to breaking i thank you that i didn't self harm but I never made a crisis team because of that they never asked if i felt like it only if i would do it.

I wouldn't of done it but more than once i had felt like it but couldn't, because of you now they say things like i make letters because of grief and lost no I wrote because i wanted you to know that you we're on my mind and I'm supposed to channel my energy somewhere else, everyday since we met every post on my blog in some shape or form that i was that you knew i was alive you think i forgot you but your wrong.

I just didn't want to hurt you it didn't help you were anonymous half the time but i knew it had to be you, your words always seem to help me in those dark days even if i shut you out.

The darkness had consumed me but i pushed onwards to the future i wanted and ultimately even in my darkest hours before we talked i told myself I'd buy you a log cabin some how get a private investigator and let them make you sign to own it and I'll disappear into the wind.

I even called a woman's shelter to ask them how much their shelter would cost so i could provide you a safe place while i was going bipolar fighting my anti psychotics, they weren't strong enough.

But now I'm fighting and getting the help i needed all those years ago... Maybe soon.. With all the backlogs of people... I'll finally have a psych and some new meds... You must of only just found out this year I've been unmedicated and I told you that I'd teach you strength, i know your suffering but you can pull through this my dear.

As of right now..sorry i couldn't send you what would of been my extra money after my pay, if I didn't have my meltdown it would of paid for your surgery in full.

I have to packup my apartment remotely and put it into storage.

and then relook for an apartment i might be put into a temporary house with a family who had a son who was asd and help people get back on their legs, a social worker is investigating.

Start my mental health program at some stage unknown currently?

Maybe transferring teams in the new year? Or not?

Auckland or Wellington. Both have perks and cons but I'd take a bus Friday night and be tired just to fall asleep next to you and spend time with you for two days even if my mental health takes a hit, i don't care i have drive and now I've seen I've been stuck in my 4th gear stalling needing a pit stop...

I return to work maybe Tuesday next week.

I have some big meeting that i need to get back up to speed for the next week?

Try get back to what i do without cracking.

Hold my love in a jar for another day.

Save up for somethings.

Start rock climbing.

Start reading again...

Start writing again... Well not directed at making wrong letters.

And i don't want to put a strain on your sleep so I'm happy to fuck over my Saturday and Sunday for you but i don't want you to have poor mental health especially again, we both came back at the wrong time because we both needed each other.

I oh what else is happening oh yes i can't talk about that but maybe you had seen in the news.

I'm sorry $100 isn't much, but my questions should be how much is your student loans and other things that i can start to take care of but i don't think your going to like the answers.

The next thing is going to be compromises, beaches or mountains we may need to bounce around but i think it's all part of the journey.

I could be in the mountains but the time difference and ultimately the air might be difficult for awhile, the hardest thing might be your citizenships as much as mine.

I don't know it's almost 1am I'm rambling at this rate...

Northern downpour always sends his love.

The rain helps to wash us new my love.