#cause i’m physically incapable

[sapphosclown]

Cynthia didn’t want to talk about why she bailed on the play. She’s her fathers daughter, she grew up with basically four older brothers, feelings are not something she talks about, they’re not something anybody is supposed to know except for herself. As soon as she sees the pink ladies at her door, she goes to shut them down. She’s supposed to be alone, these are just some girls anyway, they don’t care about her.

Except they do. They push themselves inside despite her protests. That’s new. No one has ever pushed so hard to be there for her. But they are, and they’re listening. She said she doesn’t wanna talk, they said okay! They said let’s just chill and watch TV and be fucking happy for once.

That’s when Cynthia realizes she finally has friends.

They’re not the girls in her class who bullied her for grass stained skirts, they’re not the boys who- despite growing up together- disregard her constantly, they’re not her father offering her a beer when he doesn’t know what to say, and they’re not just the girl gang of Rydell. They’re friends. They notice her, they hear her, they want to be there for her.

Cynthia doesn’t talk about her feelings, but she knows she has people to lean on. That’s all she’s ever wanted anyway.

[cloud-based-and-rainpilled]

Michael Sheen playing Aziraphale as cockhungry as possible VS the Good Omens fandom and Neil Gaiman and the Lord himself screaming for Aziraphale to be asexual

[juniperhillpatient]

was debating posting selfies where you can see my sunburn & or the dirt & dust on my mirror but u know imperfections are human. or whatever lol etc idk ✌️

[chthonicgodling]

current state of Elysium and my brain revolving fully around a— certainly not a love triangle but. chaotic throuple. only for me to tend to my other social medias and see everyone dissolving over chaotic love triangle thing in that new movie challengers (I have not seen it) (I have seen one million messy throuple memes) (challengers??? challenging ME mor e like,)

[yourleftpinkytoe-blog]

So during freshman year whenever I was gonna draw I did this thing to warm up. I would draw myself doing something stupid. Idk it was an excuse to doodle something without caring about how good it turned out. Idk why I stoped because it was really helpful but I recently started doing this again. So here’s the first one I did and the most current.

2021:

2024:

[un-pearable]

google search how to get people in your life to take your suspicions of inattentive adhd seriously when you’ve been an anxiety-ridden overachiever your entire life

[child0fcain]

tutorial on how to be slightly normal about things and not feel sick to my stomach when someone starts liking my hyperfixation

[area51-escapee]

I need a way to fix every problem ever it is the only way to stop from feeling ill

[starsofang]

simon riley x blind!reader requested by @wareagleofthemountain <3 tw: none!

Simon never expected to meet you, nor was he remotely looking for somebody to enter his life and completely flip it around. He didn’t attach himself to people, and interactions with strangers with the intent of becoming more than that was a far-fetched idea for somebody like him. Being on his own was something he greatly preferred, and his task force were the only people he ever needed.

That was what he thought, anyway, up until you.

Even when you had accidentally bumped into him in the middle of a rundown convenience store late at night, you didn’t cower away from him. The sight of his mask didn’t cause you to turn away and mumble out a half-assed apology in order to leave his vicinity as quickly as possible, and at first, he didn’t understand.

That was until he noticed the furball standing next to you, staring up at him as if scolding him for getting in the way. The harness was glaringly obvious now that he looked at it, and he felt a bit stupid for not noticing it in the first place. You had a guide dog, with words boldly lettered indicating that you were blind.

“I’m so sorry!” you said, and he caught himself staring at you as you began rambling out genuine, sweet apologies, explaining that you didn’t mean to bump into him, that you hoped you didn’t hurt him by accident.

Simon didn’t get attached to people, no. But that didn’t mean he didn’t notice cute people who had hearts of gold that made his look rotten in comparison.

“S’alright,” he assured you, fighting so hard to push back the smile that threatened to curl up under his mask. Smiling meant he felt amused, and amusement meant he saw something in you that intrigued him. “What’s his name?”

When he asked about your guide dog, you practically lit up like a damn Christmas tree and oh, he was fucked. That smile wasn’t fair.

“Peanut,” you introduced affectionately, and when he glanced down at your dog, Peanut, the little thing looked almost prideful at that.

“Hm,” he hummed in acknowledgement, and before he could detach himself from the conversation, before he could bid you farewell and leave you behind for good, he found himself speaking once more. “And yours?”

Simon never expected to meet you, nor was he remotely looking for somebody to enter his life and completely flip it around. But you did, and he found himself so engrossed in you, he couldn’t ever imagine life without you.

He thinks fondly of the day you two met, where he was in a mindset of pushing everybody around him away. He’d never given himself an opportunity to live a normal life, then you came around and had him seeking out the future.

The future was never a possibility until you, nor was it a possibility without you in it.

Simon never made you feel incapable just because you were blind. You had worked your way around the world just fine before him, and you’d continue to do it during him.

That didn’t mean he never tried his best, though. In fact, Simon took pride in helping you out with things as his way of showing his undying love for you. He may not have been the most affectionate person physically, but doing things for you was his favorite form of care.

Cooking was one of many. Simon was naturally a lover of cooking, so teaching you how to do it was something he took to almost immediately.

When it came to chopping vegetables, he’d gently guide your hands with his own, closed around the kitchen knife and showing you how to chop away without nicking yourself. If it was an excuse to hold your hand and watch your joyful smile light up your face, he’d never admit it.

He’d explain every step of a recipe to you, wanting to give you your independence of cooking on your own while also involving himself enough to be useful. He’d explain in soft ways how to properly cook meat, how to make sure it’s not undercooked or overcooked, guiding you through every part of the meal and watching with pride when you’d figure it out after a few trial errors.

Simon had never thought a meal could taste so good until it was cooked by the one you adore.

Reading was something you could do on your own. Your entire collection were books geared towards your blindness to help make it more accessible to you, but Simon quickly found out that he specifically liked reading for you.

It became routine in your apartment, the one that he was staying in so much that it might as well had been his as well, for the two of you to snuggle up close on the couch with a book you mentioned hearing about in those silly videos you listen to on your phone. His arm would tuck you into his side while the other held the book he’d gone out for, venturing to find (even if it took going to multiple stores), while Peanut laid content at your feet.

The books might not have been his personal favorite, but he’d spend every night reading them to you, his voice soft and quiet as they executed every page. You’d listen with a smile on your face, head resting in the pit of his shoulder, allowing the warmness of his voice send you into a peaceful serenity that almost always had you falling asleep twenty pages in.

Simon never minded that you’d fall asleep, and with a sweet kiss on your head, he’d string you along to bed, bookmarking the book for the next night when he’d read to you once again.

Being blind had never bothered you, and it was something you were never embarrassed or ashamed of.

Simon aided you in whatever you needed, but never made you feel an inkling of being broken or unable. He was passionate in the way he cared for you, while remaining stern in letting you be your own person.

The one thing that did bother you was that you’d never be able to see Simon’s face for all the true glory it was. The man you’d come to love over the time spent together was so close to you, yet felt so far when your brain would remind you that you didn’t know what he looked like.

The more time went on, the more you failed to grasp on to those strings, enough for Simon to take notice. When you finally had the gall to express this concern of yours, he understood completely why you’d upset yourself over it.

Thankfully for you, Simon had an easy fix for that.

“No need to worry yourself over that, sweetheart. Here.”

You may not have been able to see him, but you could feel him. Simon took your soft hands into his own, gently guiding them to cup his face. He bore himself naked to you, adorning no mask, all scars and rugged skin on display.

Your fingers traced along every feature of his, taking it in and mapping them out. You felt the thickness of his brows, trailing down to the flutter of his eyelashes, gently swiping your thumbs across them. You felt every bump of old, healed scars that indented his skin, every prickly stubble of his unshaven face.

You may not have been able to see him, but you knew he was beautiful.

Simon didn’t rush you. He remained patient and willing, face relaxed as you felt every crevice and divot. Your fingers were so careful in the way you handled him, like dealing with fragile glass, that he could’ve easily fallen in love with you a second time.

“You’re pretty,” you breathed out, hands halting their movements to lay flat on his cheeks. You were holding the world in your hands, and after getting a feel of what lay beyond it, you never wanted to let go.

Your words had dazed him, and he felt his mouth go dry as he stared at you, sinking in your own lovely features just as you did his own.

Simon had no words to speak back to you, but you knew what he was thinking without him having to say it – he loved you, more than any word could express.

Simon might not have been the type of person to get attached. You were the last thing he’d been looking for in life, but you came rushing into him like a flood, engulfing him in a forever calmness.

His body was permanently sinking in a sea of passion, and you were the life vest keeping him afloat.

i promise i didn't forget about u lovie! work was a bit crazy and my brain was a bit fried but it's here and i sincerely hope u enjoy it! thank u for the request, i love soft simon sm

[nayatarot777]

Karma For Your Fake Best-Friend

• Pile One •

The first message that I’m seeing is that your fake best friend will have to give birth (figuratively) to a very difficult beginning. This is part of their karma because this beginning is full of Saturnian energy, and Saturn is the planet of karma. They will have to help other people with very difficult times in their lives which may be something that they didn’t do before because I’m picking up on a very selfish energy from this person. However, now other people’s situations and what other people have created for themselves and their lives will leave your best friend as the helper - which they’re clearly not happy about. I’m hearing that this person made their bed and now they have to lie in it. They’re stagnant. They feel restricted from creating anything new in their life. For someone in particular, I’m getting a very dark message and that’s about how your best friend could experience difficulty either literally giving birth or difficulty getting pregnant which will cause a lot of distress. The burdens that they are feeling from this karma are going to make them feel extremely aged. They are going to feel like they’re the one who is being forced to be responsible in comparison to everyone else - for the sake of everyone else - while they’re feeling like this should be in reverse. They feel like everyone else should feel responsible for them but that’s not going to happen.

They’re going to lose a lot. Their life is going to seem empty and bare. This could be about them losing possessions that they found integral to their identity such as clothing and jewellery, or they could lose their money which was a huge part of their identity. I’m just seeing this person really having to count their blessings and the little that they have left. I’m also hearing that this person is going to become physically sick due to anxiety and this will show on their face and in their body. They’re going to look physically unwell and that feeds into the message about them feeling like they’re physically and internally aging under this difficult change. One of the things that they are going to have to count as a blessing are the positive memories that they have from the past. They’re going to have to hold onto these memories quite tightly because they are incapable of creating new and positive memories for themselves again. They feel restricted from creating anything in their life. They’re not going to see a way out of their anxiety. They are constantly being placed in positions that confuse them. That make them worry and that leaves their minds incapable of interpreting what they need to clearly. They’re going to be trapped in their head and feeling like there is no way out.

For some in this pile, this fake best friend downplayed your anxiety or treated your anxiety as if it wasn’t a real thing or as if it wasn’t important, and now they’re experiencing severe anxiety that’s trapping them in a mental space that they don’t want to be in. There are three cards in total here about new life and new creation, so there’s a major emphasis on how nothing new will come into their life for a very long time because the energy of Saturn is very slow moving. It’s the one of the slowest moving planets in our solar system, so any karma - positive or negative - that we experience due to Saturn is prolonged for a very long time. This person‘s life will consist of the same-old stressful, burdensome routine. They have to watch everyone else around them in their life, moving onto bigger and better things. Moving onto new pathways and lifestyles that clearly fill them with inspiration and joy and happiness, but they’re going to be left out of this. This is definitely affecting their dating life too. They’re not going to experience meeting anyone new and their dating life could be something that they identified with. They could be very relationship-oriented people and they might feel like they don’t know what to do without a partner. Whether this is a committed partner or someone who is just entertaining them for the time being. Either way, they’re not going to experience any new flame or any new passions in the area of dating. This person is having to feel fragmented. There’s a lot of dissociation here. They feel like they can’t get up off the ground and they feel like they can’t move forward in their life because they’re plagued with a sense of weakness and fragility. Their mind is very fragile too. They feel like they are a very fragile person who’s easy to damage and break. They feel very broken. Especially mentally. Their intuition is also going to be damaged. Their perspective on people and things as well as themselves will also be very distorted. They won’t be able to see clearly in an intuitive way.

Extended Reading: How Do They Feel + What Do They Think About You/This Situation?

YouTube

Personal Reading Info

• Pile Two •

This fake best friend pretended to be innocent. They wore a mask of someone who was all about helping and healing, as if they were someone who couldn’t hurt a fly. But in actuality, they pretend to embrace and accept others for the sake of helping people who they’re actually leading to their demise. It’s almost like this person sees people as lambs who they lead to slaughter. They underestimate other people’s intelligence and it’s probably because they prey upon genuinely innocent and soft people - and you are most likely one of them. However, as their karma, they’re going to end up being seen as the innocent lamb being led to someone else’s slaughter house. This sounds very graphic because it is. It’s very sinister - just like their energy is. They’re going to be baited by someone who also portrays themselves as innocent, just like they do, and whoever this person is that meets your fake best friend, they are going to see your best friend as a genuinely innocent and unassuming victim of their’s. This person is encountering someone who is exactly like them and this is someone who they’ll be in a very strange romantic relationship with.

They are going to be drained by this person energetically because this person is a huge energy vampire and this person is also very possessive over this fake best friend. However, the possessiveness is overlooked by onlookers because this person pretends to be loving and innocent towards your fake best friend, but there’s something very strange about their relationship. This fake friend is clearly not happy in this relationship but they feel trapped. And they might not even know why because, on the surface, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong. But energetically they are picking up on the fact that this person that they’re in a relationship with is someone who is actually very dangerous for them to be around - although they can’t pinpoint why. This person who they’re with has a very good mask of innocence. It’s funny how this works because you’d think that your fake best friend (being a master of glamour magic to the point of being able to lure people in with an innocent facade) would also be good at pointing out another person’s fake and innocent facade - but they’re not. This fake friend will be trying to practice positivity but they’re going to struggle with this. They’re not going to see a happy horizon for them to move towards.

They are going to feel a sense of emptiness as if there are holes in their soul that they can’t fill. As if there’s a hole in their mind that they can’t mend. They’re going to feel like they can’t make sense of anything nor can they feel anything. This person is hitting rock bottom. There’s something about this person’s ability to learn being painful for them. This is a very painful learning experience for them. The lesson that they attract what they are. And that because of the fact that who they are is not a good person, they’ve attracted someone who is not a good person either. It seems like whatever they feel like they know about relationships or people or themselves is being shattered. They might have perceived themselves as a very intelligent person who could get away with anything if they were sly enough, but that ego is being shattered and it’s almost like they’re seeing the Uno reverse 😂. They felt like they were the one in control of others this entire time. When in reality, they’re the ones being controlled and encroached upon. People aren’t going to have sympathy for this person when they cry about how depressed they are. Nor about how much pain they are in. Nobody is going to have sympathy or empathise with them and that’s most likely because people can’t really see or feel the sinister energy from their partner like they can. I’m also seeing that people will dismiss their feelings and tell them to just be positive. Kind of like toxic positivity. Their anger and triggers in this relationship will also be downplayed and dismissed by their partner, so there’s an energy of them forcing themselves to pretend to be happy when they’re actually the complete opposite.

Extended Reading: How Do They Feel + What Do They Think About You/This Situation?

YouTube

Personal Reading Info

• Pile Three •

This fake best friend was someone who enjoyed invading your boundaries and violating your boundaries too. This is someone who tried to dominate. This is someone who makes people feel like they are vulnerable and powerless. This person brought a lot of death moments to your life. A lot of permanent endings. They could’ve tried to dominate your energy and your boundaries through clinging to you in someway or trying to always be around you, and this was the way that they tried to cause permanent endings in your life. By distracting you from the things that you needed to do or not leaving you with enough space and time to focus on yourself. They made you feel obligated to do this. As for their karma, they’re experiencing all of this for themselves. They’ve invaded someone else’s boundaries and that person is getting vengeance. Your fake best friend is going to feel the need to go into hiding. And this is some intense isolation which is something that they are not used to because I’m seeing that they are quite vampiric towards others’ energy. They feed off of other people. So this intense isolation will cause them to feel very alone and ignored.

I’m seeing a lot of paranoia for this person. They’re not going to let anyone in because they’re trying to get away from the person who is now trying to invade their boundaries - but this is someone who your fake best friend invaded the boundaries of first. This person acts like they’re not aware of how they hurt people, but this person’s karma is that they’re going to hurt themselves and not even realise it. They’re going to be blinded to the pain that they are causing themselves through this paranoia and through this overprotective energy that they have over themselves. This person is trying to find peace inside of that isolation, but this is out of reach for them because they know that someone is extremely vengeful and out to get them. Someone is looking for them and waiting to act on their vengeance and this fake best friend can’t relax.

Extended Reading: How Do They Feel + What Do They Think About You/This Situation?

YouTube

Personal Reading Info

[lostsometime]

ok but also like...

“god didn’t help me/my loved ones so now i’m mad at god” is a motivation that makes sense for people in our world

but in exandria, the gods are literally incapable of direct intervention due to an actual physical-metaphysical barrier designed to keep them from doing that

and the reason that barrier exists is as a response to the calamity - you know, the thing that was caused by people like ludinus da’leth who decided that killing the gods was The Thing To Do Now!

(and also the country that ludinus da’leth is (partly) in charge of persecutes and executes worshippers of unnapproved deities like the wildmother, so ludinus da’leth would himself have had bor’dor’s mother killed, just as a matter of principle!)

and like, obviously, grief is not rational, and it leaves people vulnerable to cult mentalities and manipulation, so it makes sense that bor’dor would end up in this situation!  he wants to blame somebody!  very understandable!  but once again, every single time we get somebody being like “well but what if the ruby vanguard are right?” it’s like... cool story, still a murder cult. 

[littleholmes]

I wasn’t going to cry because I saw the leaks and the fire it caused in the fandom earlier this weekend and I knew what was going to happen in the chapter this morning, and figured there’s likely a way Bakugo’s okay or will make it out of this, so I haven’t been too worried—but then I saw Aizawa’s face

I saw this look on Aizawa—who already screamed for someone to help his second problem child—now screaming again because his explosion son may very well have had his heart explode, and it was like being punched in the stomach and the air left me and I…

I’m…at a lost for words and feel grief for all of them, all of these kids and heroes, but especially for Aizawa who is sitting from afar watching this go down helplessly grabbing at his capture weapon because he can’t help his student, despite the fact that if he could, he absolutely would have. He’s screaming like a parent who helped all of his children before countless times (to the point of being physically incapable of helping the way he has before) but now no longer can as he watches the worst case scenario unfold before his eyes.

idk I’m rambling but this moment with Bakugo hurt but it hurt even more that we had to see Aizawa see something horrible happen to him and there was nothing he could do about it, while probably internally blaming himself that he wasn’t there to stop Bakugo from becoming another Shirakumo.

[five-flavor-soup]

I personally think that basing your interpretation of how Ursa treated Azula on Zuko’s memories shown in ‘Zuko Alone’ is kind… incorrect. You can obviously — they’re the only real images of their childhood we get in the cartoon, other than the tiniest of snapshots in sepia — and that’s fine, but for me personally I just don’t think they’re complete enough.

These memories are from Zuko’s perspective. Not Ursa’s, not Azula’s, not Ozai’s or Iroh’s—Zuko’s perspective, his memories. And they’re all about him and Ursa together: every one of these memories have Ursa at their centre. We see her protect him and be kind to him, see her be physically affectionate and gentle, see her encourage him to be kind to himself and to Azula.

They essentially tell us that Zuko is Ursa’s son first, Ozai’s son second. Ozai remains a hovering, intimidating shadow on the sidelines (we still don’t see his face, we don’t see him genuinely interact with his children, and we see him irritating his father while being a very hands-off kinda dad himself) but Ursa is fully present. And ‘Zuko Alone’ is about Zuko trying to figure out who he is: the memories show that he views being his mother’s son as an exceptionally important part of his identity, which means they are about Zuko and his relationship with Ursa alone.

They are not supposed to tell us that Ursa neglected or abused Azula emotionally—that she only focused on protecting Zuko, while leaving Azula to suffer in Ozai’s incapable hands. Sure, we see Ursa scold Zuko for acting like Azula and cuddle him right after, and we see her scold Azula for acting mean and not cuddle her right after, but the key differences here are that Zuko shows guilt after frightening the turtleducks and Azula doubles down on trying to scare Zuko. The behaviour is different and will be, by any halfway decent parent, treated differently. 

I’m absolutely not saying that Azula wasn’t abused, because she 100% was. She was absolutely abused by Ozai, and I’m not ruling out that Ursa didn’t have a hand in how Azula ultimately turned out. But my point here is: these memories are far too limited and narrow for the viewer to properly determine whether Azula was treated incorrectly by Ursa. 

Zuko isn’t going to remember an intimate, lovely moment between Ursa and Azula when all that’s on his mind is his identity, and how it’s entangled with his mother and what she may have sacrificed for him. Additionally, he’s not particularly fond of Azula at this moment in the show (she did kind of kickstart his being a refugee, disregarding how the audience sees this sequence of events having begun), so he’s not going to remember her fondly either. Why would Zuko try to remember Ursa’s relationship with Azula at that point, instead of his own?

(Small tidbit: we also... don't know if Ursa's last words to Azula were 'what is wrong with that child', disregarding the comics which completely ruin azula anyway. Again, the memories are from Zuko's perspective and therefore won't show any private moments between Ursa and Azula. We're not even certain whether Azulon actually ordered Ozai to kill Zuko, or if that is simply what Azula interpreted it as/thought would be funny to say--causing the sequence of events that ultimately put Ozai on the throne. But whatever)

[twyftwyt]

here’s a short Noah imagine i scrabbled in my notes app while rotting in bed, i’m wondering if i should write more.

…you have more pieces of me than the desert has sand

and i have less pieces of you than i can hold in my hand…

I knew we weren’t dating. I knew we were never gonna be together officially, so what was the point of fighting over it? What was the point of this whole thing, actually? I wasn’t his to claim and he, for sure, was not mine to call. He was gone almost 300 days of the year. He had gigs, festivals, signings, award shows, record meetings. And I had a 9 to 5 job. I went home, cooked, cleaned, went on vacation sometimes but my routine was way different from his.

So why were we sitting in his car, at 2 in the morning, fighting over “labels”?

“I’m not about to argue with a man who doesn’t even know what he wants.”

“Do you hear yourself? I don’t know what I want? Me? Is that how we’re turning the narrative now?”

“No, Noah. The narrative’s been the same this whole time. Just admit that you don’t want a relationship and we can call it a day and I can finally go home and sleep, cause I have work tomorrow.”

My eyes were burning and so were my cheeks. I was flushed with anger and I could already feel the tears coming.

“I never, NOT ONCE, said that I do not want a relationship. I am INCAPABLE of maintaining one. You wanna miss me for a month straight, see me for a weekend, travel the whole world to spend a day, maximum two with me in between shows? You want me calling you in the middle of the night, waking you up just because where I’m at it’s midday and it’s the only possible time for me to call you? You want to put us in a position where my trust will be questioned all the time? And you’ll be anxious if you see me with another woman just because I HAVE to work with her? You wanna go through all of this?”

“Seems like you don’t want to, so what’s the point of having this conversation? Please, just take me home.”

I couldn’t contain myself anymore and I felt the tears streaming down my face. I was starting to shake but I didn’t want to make a bigger scene than what this conversation had already turned to. I was spent. And hurt and tired. And he was just sitting in the driver seat, looking at me, not knowing what to do. He looked so pathetic, it was insane how much I allowed myself to fall in love with him. He was just. a. stupid. man. He never knew how to react properly and most of the time it was funny watching him struggle to pick the right words, but he was always big on physical contact, so he’d just pull me in his arms until I stop crying. He didn’t do that now though. He was just staring at me, blankly. I turned to face the window and put my legs up on the seat, curling into a little ball.

I heard the engine start and the radio came back to life with the most gut wrenching song Spotify could pick. God, I hate that shared playlist. And I hate myself for falling for him.

[crimsonwritings]

Flames in our hearts - Prologue

Pairing: Cassian x female reader

Summary: Cassian and Y/N both have to let their partners go.

Warnings: angst, some kind of panic attacks

Words: 2.4k

A/N: It’s finally here! The first part of my firefighter Cassian fic. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to post this earlier but I was overthinking which resulted in a writers block. I’ll try to post the next parts more regularly from now on. Hope you enjoy!

Masterlist | Moodboard

Y/N´s POV:

“So this is it then.”

Four years ago I would have never believed that him and I would ever be in this situation. Sitting in our small town café, nothing but an untouched glass of water in front of me, because I was physically incapable of consuming anything right now. Him being placed in the seat opposite of me, staring at the wall, the table and the wall again. Anywhere to avoid my gaze.

It probably looked like a break up scene straight out of a movie. Even the weather seemed to play along, as the sky was filled with dark grey clouds, rain pouring down to the earth. If angels existed I imagined those raindrops to be their tears as they mourned over the pieces of my shattered relationship. I wanted them to drown my emotions until I wouldn’t feel any of this pain right now. And if it meant that I wouldn’t be able to feel anything ever again so be it. I couldn’t care less.

“Yeah. This is it,” he answered. I knew that this decision wasn’t easy for him, could hear it in his silent, shaking voice. How much time had we actually spent together? One third of our lives? First as friends, before it had turned into something more, something intimate - something vulnerable.

He had been my first everything and oh, how I had wanted him to be my last. The one and only, like those fairytales always swoon about. Some part of me still wanted him to be just that. But fairytales aren’t real and my teenage dreams had to concede their space in my head to the cruel realities of this world.

“It used to be so easy with us but now…it just doesn’t feel like it did at the beginning. You became so distant and I know that to an extent it’s my fault but I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s frustrating me. I can’t live like this anymore. And it wouldn’t be fair to you either.”

How generous of him. Breaking up with me to spare my feelings. I didn’t know why it caused a rumble of anger to drive through my body. Didn’t I feel the exact same thing? Wasn’t it me who had questioned our relationship over the past months?

At least he was able to set me free. I on the other hand felt like a snake, meandering around his body and pushing my fangs in his skin, even though I knew I would poison him with my insecurities. I just couldn’t let go.

Because that was my greatest fear. Being left by someone I loved, someone who was supposed to love me back. It had made me doubt him at some point, when he had disappointed me one to many times with such little things. Suddenly I hadn’t been able to see the good things anymore, only the bad, which had resulted in me emotionally distancing myself, snapping at him when he told me I was a fool for doing so.

And now here we were, in the middle of that small town café, knowing that we weren’t able to make each other happy anymore. One side being controlled by her fears, the other driven by frustration, annoyance maybe. I couldn’t even blame him for feeling this way. For I couldn’t stand myself either. What used to be a loving relationship became a downward spiral pretty fast.

I knew that this was right. That I had to let him go to hopefully find his happiness, even if it meant that he would end up with someone else. If she could appreciate everything he had to offer then he was hers to claim, not mine. But why did it feel so damn wrong? Why was the thought of somebody else living my dreams with him worse than what we had now?

The merciless feeling of my panic rising up consumed me whole. I knew it all to well. It always started with that lump in my throat, swelling on and on until I feared I couldn’t breath anymore. It then resulted in a gag, as if my body tried to get rid of it by throwing up. Meanwhile I could feel the tears lining up, threatening to spill but never doing so, not granting me that sort of relief. I could feel the familiar cold running over my skin, causing me to shiver. My hands were already shaking so hard I had to grab the chair beneath me, so nobody would notice.

Calm down Y/N. Don’t you dare let them see your weakness. Nobody wants to see it.

But no matter how many deep breaths I inhaled to calm myself down, it didn’t work.

I wasn’t strong enough for this. I couldn’t let him go. Instead I needed him to take me in his arms, soothing me that everything would be all right, that he had overreacted and that we would work on it. Like we had promised each other so many times before.

My voice trembled as I begged him, “Please! I will become the girl you fell in love with again! All I need is time!”

Something deep down in me protested. Questioned why I had to beg him to love me. Why it was so important for me to be loved by him.

I didn’t listen. All I could hear were his final words.

“Stop making this any harder than it already is. You assured me of this so many times but I can’t believe you anymore. And it wouldn’t matter anyway. My love for you is gone Y/N. I feel nothing…I’m sorry.”

Something inside of me shattered at his words. Maybe it was the hope I still had left. To mend this. To get out of this nightmare. But now there was nothing left. He had made his choice and I could do absolutely nothing about it.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. Neither the beat of my heart getting painfully fast nor my breath being so flat that I feared I would faint. The tears started to run down my cheeks - finally - but it caused embarrassment to flow through me as I felt the stares of the strangers around me, starring and judging.

I almost jumped up from my seat and stormed out of the cafe, away from the pity and the pain.

He didn’t try to stop me.

~*~

Cassian’s POV:

“Say that again.” His words came out in a gasp.

He didn’t know how they had ended down here. Only a few minutes ago he had felt as if he could touch the sun! Finally, after so many years of pining after it, his life had become perfect, giving him wings of jauntiness! But it seemed like he had gotten to close to the radiant heat of the burning star, for now it felt like those exact wings had caught fire, causing him to race down towards the ground, to the predict of a devastating crash.

She alone could save him now.

But instead of throwing him something to grab onto in his fall she definitively shredded his wings to pieces, robbing him of any chance to survive.

“It’s over Cassian. I’m breaking up with you.”

There were no tears in her eyes as she said it. No signs of doubt on her face. She was sure in her decision and seemed utterly cold about it. Like an ice queen she stood in front of him, wearing the mask she had always worn to protect herself. Every time she couldn’t stand the overwhelming emotions around her. Cassian couldn’t help but find it majestic, how she stood her ground, watching him slowly crumble in himself.

The shock must have been evident on his face, he was sure about it. He felt like he couldn’t move. He wanted to tear his eyes from her icy stare but no matter how hard he tried, his body wouldn’t allow him to. All he was capable of doing was holding on to the balcony railing of his apartment.

In the corner of his eye he saw the lights of the city he called his home. There was a musician playing on the streets somewhere, he could hear the happy melody in the distance. Usually he would have loved it. It all seemed like a mockery to him now.

“But…I don’t understand! I thought we were happy!”

As the realisation started to settle in he could feel the panic rising up. The ringing in his ears became louder and louder and he had to resist the urge to shut them with his hands, even though he knew that it wouldn’t help one bit. Otherwise he would have missed her next words.

“Happy?! Do you really think I’m happy with everyone trying to change me the whole time?”

There was anger in her eyes now, a little spark that could turn into a wildfire if he didn’t take care. He had seen it a million times already. That fiery anger that threatened to eat her alive. It always resulted in her sending the flames towards her opponents, mixed with nothing but cold, brutal calculation.

“You know that it’s true Cassian. They all want me to be that cheerful little girl who loves to go on family adventures and gets along with everybody and keeps quiet about all the things that go wrong with you all. But I’m not. I hate pretending that I like them. And I most certainly hate that they only see Feyre’s sister or your girlfriend in me. Especially Rhysand!”

“He doesn’t do that and you know it! All he is trying to do is to integrate you. And if you wouldn’t be so god damn stubborn about it you would see it!”

Something had switched in Cassian, he didn’t even realise it. All of a sudden the shock had turned into anger. He stepped towards her, fists clenched and eyes squinted.

She didn’t back down. Instead she stabbed her finger in his chest and bared her teeth, ready to fight back. “You’re only proving my point! You’re doing it again! Defending him! It’s always like this, you’re always on his side!”

“Can you blame me? He is the only family I have left! I owe him so much, hell we wouldn’t even live in this apartment without him!”

“Should I be thankful for this now? It’s only a reminder that we are completely dependent on him. All I did over the past years was trying to match his expectations. I really tried, for you! But I can’t do this anymore! I don’t even know who I am anymore!”

“So the only solution for you is to break up with me? Throwing me away when I’m not of use for you any longer?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Cassian.” She turned around and stormed into their shared bedroom, Cassian right on her heels. When he saw all of her stuff packed up in some suitcases the panic returned. He could feel his heart beating rapidly and he had to hold onto the door frame as he slightly stumbled at the sight.

“Where…where are you going?”

“Eris offered me to stay in his family’s summer house. He’ll pick me up in a thew minutes and you won’t follow me!”

She had planned this then. Had made her decision, when exactly? Days ago? Weeks ago? Leaving him, without even giving him the chance to explain himself or making things right with her. He would change if he needed to. All she had to do was talk to him, telling him what he could do better. Yet all of it wouldn’t lead to anything, because she had given up a long time ago.

What hurt the most though was the fact that she trusted another man more than she trusted him. Of course Eris would have offered to help her. That viper had tried to lure her in even before she had chosen Cassian. But why did she ran into his arms when Cassian was right here, willing to catch her like he had done so many times before?

When Nesta reached the door again, he stepped in front of her. He needed an answer. He needed to know if there was even the smallest chance of winning, should he fight for her.

„Tell me Nes, I won’t let you go otherwise. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me anymore.“

One last time she looked up to him with those beautiful steel blue eyes. He desperately searched for any sign of emotion in them. Hell, he would even take all of her anger again. At least this would mean that she still cared about him. But it seemed like she didn’t feel anything anymore as she made his nightmare come true.

„I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye Cassian.“

There it was, that final crash. He had hit the ground now, forced to watch her pass him and leave the apartment, not able to reach out for her, even though an inner voice screamed for him to hold her back.

It felt like an out of body experience. He could feel everything. The tears that ran down his cheeks. His knees giving in, causing him to sink to the ground against the wall. He could hear his sobs and pleas for her to come back. Yet everything was distant, covered under a blanket of devastating pain.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, when he finally came back to his senses. All he knew was that he had to stop her.

He got up on his wobbly legs and hustled out of the door on the floor of the apartment building screaming with everything his shaky voice could offer: „Nesta! NESTA!“.

But it was to late. She was gone. She had left him, like everyone else had done. He was all alone again.

When the old lady, who lived next door stepped out of her apartment at his screaming he gathered all his strength and made his way back into his own flat.

Entering the living room he saw a small black velvet box lying on the bookshelf. She hadn’t found it like he had planned. She hadn’t looked for it.

He could hear the box giggle at his misery, mocking him. He knew it was all in his head but he couldn’t stand it anyway. So, as the anger boiled up in him again, he grabbed the box, stepped out on the balcony - and with a yell he threw it into the river down below.

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[gay-dorito-dust]

Some touch starved morpheus stuff cuz we all know he is and since he can’t ask for shit he’s gonna revert to cat form to get what he wants.

Morpheus is incredibly touch starved, this is what many would call an undisputed fact. He’s an endless and therefore means that there has never been a moment in his life where he was ever blessed with the sweet embrace of a tender, loving hug nor the comforting squeeze when holding another’s hand.

Needless to say that he was perplexed when he found himself wandering within the depths of his mind, craving in silence of its feel within your arms. Did you run cold? or did you run warm? Would you allow him to rest his weary head against the comforting counsel of your heart? Or would you prefer to rest yours upon his instead? Were you the type to snuggle closely so that every part of your body was pressed flushed against his own and yet crave to be even closer? Head pressed into the crevice of his neck, pressing featherlight kisses there on occasion to remind him of your presence.

Were you what humans called a big spoon or a little spoon? How that was related to cuddling morpheus had no clue and sometimes questioned humans for their…interesting choice of words for specific actions. They were…peculiar to say the least. Did you wish to be held or wish to hold him as you both laid comfortably beneath a cosy blanket as you fought against the weight of sleep weighing upon your eyelids gradually overtime, easing you into a vulnerable state of slumber.

These thoughts clouded the dream lords mind as he went about his tasks as king, disrupting him from his work that he would often remember old romance books he’s read during the height of their publication and replace the protagonist and their love interest with you and him without realising it until caught on the receiving end of an concern Lucienne’s gaze.

“My lord, are you alright?” She’d ask and each and every time was greeted with similar responses. “I’m quite alright, the state of my health isn’t of concern to anyone then myself.” Afterwards came Lucienne’s unconvinced stare but she knew firsthand how unbearably stubborn Morpheus is and decided that since he was a fully grown man capable of dealing with his own issues, it would be best if she left him to it and concentrate on her own pile of work to complete. Morpheus was incapable of asking for help or advice for the matter unless he was physically brought down to his knees due to his insufferable pride.

That pride had proven to be a hindrance on multiple occasions and that was no different when the lord of dreams and nightmares tried to muster up the courage in asking you for affection he desperately craved. Yet he’d always seem to backpedal from actually asking and instead waited for the moments where you were least aware of his motives that he thought were increasingly childish of a being such as himself.

Things such as holding your hand whenever crossing passable riverbanks, streams and small shallow lakes by broken bridges he had yet to repair sooner or later if you weren’t already invading every possible space within his heart, soul and mind at every given moment. Keeping his hand at the small of your back when walking through crowed spaces under the pretence that he didn’t wish for you to be swept away from his line of sight. To even his shoulder pressing against your own ever so briefly as you walked through the vast gardens of his palace together.

‘Innocent coincidence’ was what they were called but to you it sounded oddly as though he was covering something up you have yet to brush off the vail of mystery of. So one day as you sat beneath the shade of the palace, eyes just about ready to flutter to a close when a sound caught your ears, causing you to peel open your eyes wide enough to see what you presumed to be a cat like figure sat in front of you.

You’d say cat but this cat was bigger then any cat you’ve ever seen, the closest you could compare it to size wise was that of a main coon but even then that didn’t seem quite right. It’s fur dark was as midnight, it’s eyes glowed within the shade; giving it a more supernatural and or ethereal ambiance about the creature of unknown origin because as far as you were aware morpheus didn’t keep cats about the palace.

However your mind was too foggy to make sense of how the cat got here nor where it came from as you immediately drew the creature into your lap, not questioning how almost eagerly the cat seemed to respond to your actions and bundled itself against your chest, purring contently, as it’s eyes slide to a close and you swore that you could see it smile.

Again you were on the verge of sleep so it was hard to make out what exactly you were seeing constitutes as reality. Instead wishing to get straight to dreaming, unaware that you were holding the lord of dreams within your lap the entire time.

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