in my head and in my heart, i know for a fact that all 3 todoroki children have really unfavorable habits that they got from endeavor.
fuyumi is mean. just honest to god mean. she doesn't even mean it most of them time. just being everyone's emotional support all the time causes her to suppress her meaner emotions and when someone pushes, it all comes out. but there is nothing in the world sharper than fuyumi's tongue on a bad day.
natsuo, ever the middle child. always there and always forgotten. natsuo is quick to get physically aggressive. never on people, god no. but he'll punch through walls like it's nothing. he's had his fingers broken and set more times than he can remember. he hates this part of himself. he already looks so much like enji, does he need to have his father's destructive rage too?
shouto... where to even begin with shouto. the child kept under enji's thumb the longest. shouto is more like enji than he would like to admit. he eats his food the way enji eats his food, greens first then everything else. he does his morning routine a near copy of his father's. this is what happens when you spend every waking moment of the first 15 years of your life with your abuser. that being said, shouto, ignoring the ever present constant thrum of anger that hides just below his skin, shouts a lot when he's angry. it comes from the chest, booming and seething. it scares people. he knows this and he hates that he cannot stop himself.
they don't like thinking about but when it happens all of them can't help but think i'm just like dad.
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“I want you to touch me there
Make me feel like I am breathing
Feel like I am human.” — A Little Death - The Neighbourhood
cw — angst w/ comfort, gojo being vulnerable, mention of blood and violence
satoru gojo is a touch-starved individual.
it wouldn’t be your first thought when looking at him. he was so sure of himself. not a single sign of weakness in sight, at least not to the naked eye. if you dug deep enough, you’d see gojo for what he really was. tired.
he came home late one night, shoulders slumped and body heavy. the moon hung high in the sky, painting your bedroom in cooling white light. gojo had tried not to jostle you awake while he crawled into bed, but your pretty eyes peaked open to meet his. even when awoken from your warm slumber, you smile at him. no anger or hate behind your eyes. no depravity, no death. he saw your smile falter, turning into one of concern. your hand reaches up to cup his face, the wall of infinity no longer there. your thumb presses under his eye, tickling his eyelashes with soft swipes.
“are you okay?”
gojo began to crumble in that moment, something he hadn’t done in a long time. his bones gave way and he fell into your warmth. how could you be so warm? it was cruel to leave this warmth day after day.
you let out a soft oof on impact, opening your mouth to question him but shutting up at the soft sighs tickling your neck. you relax, shifting under his weight to get in a comfortable position. you slip a hand into his hair, nails trailing down over his scalp. he shivers, tingles traveling up his spine and through his shoulders. you pause for a moment, watching his back rise and fall. he shifts, head pressing into your hand, silently begging you to please keep going.
gojo had never felt more vulnerable in his life. infinity down, exhausted to his core. you could hurt him physically and emotionally in this moment. tear at his skin until blood coats the sheets, leaving him battered and scarred. you could do anything one’s greedy heart desired, but you didn’t. you couldn’t. instead, you hum softly at him, trailing loving hands over his scalp and back. a smile on your face.
in this moment, gojo was allowing himself to submit to love. to accept the love he never thought would be his and his alone.
to be yours and yours alone.
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the thing is that I'm completely aware of how unattractive I am but some idiotic part of my brain is still like "OK but what if someone liked you" well I would get so scared I'd start throwing up all over the place . I mean that like, if someone told me they genuinely liked me I would not know what to do cause I want it to be true soooo bad but also my brain has been artificially wired to believe anything like that to be a joke, so if I had to give ANY response outside of like changing the subject or smth like that I would rather be shot in the head. cause acknowledging it is basically giving people a free ticket to go "omg the ugly (INSERT R SLUR)(I FUCKING HATE THAT WORD SO MUCH IT'S UNREAL) thinks you're being serious ???!!!! everyone point and laugh!!!"
+ the fact that I get crushes super easily makes it soooo much worse cause someone just has to be like, consistently nice to me and I'm done for. but if they told me they liked me I would just think "oh this person wants to hurt me as much as they can" which means it's not that thing some people say happens to them where they only like the "crush" stage AKA them pining for someone and then are instantly turned off when that person likes them back cause they suddenly become unattractive or it's no longer "fun" or w/e cause for me it's like. well I could like someone a lot but if they tell me THEY like ME it means that they've figured out how badly I want a romantic relationship and want to exploit that because it's fun to watch me run around in circles and then pull the rug out from under my feet and laugh at me. which is objectively an INSANE thought to have because of how paranoid it sounds but it's literally Engraved into my brain to the point that I KNOW it's paranoid but also have had so many experiences that literally prove stuff like that can and will happen to me specifically that it doesn't FEEL like I'm being paranoid.
and it's all so stupid & frustrating cause like I said at the beginning I am aware that the possibility of anything like that is 0.00001% so I really have NO reason to worry about it so much but it's that 0.00001 that freaks me out so much & the only way to get rid of that sliver of a chance is to just remove it from my brain entirely. like I just wish I could take that specific part of my brain that goes "but maybe..." and pin it down and suffocate it til it stops flailing forever and I am NOT KIDDING!!!!!
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