#character background and try and work out my writing muscles again lol

[stereopticons]

An Addendum to Mournful Monday

So I’ve been reading everyone’s posts about their writing struggles and I found myself wanting to say two things: first, nothing you write is ever a waste, and second, your writing matters.

Sometimes you write things that you end up cutting or that don’t fit anywhere. Sometimes you write things that don’t get shared or published. But it’s not a waste. You still wrote! Writing is a skill, and like everything else, the more you do it, the better you’ll be at it. Sometimes, just flexing those muscles is enough. Sometimes it will even help shake loose the words you were hoping to write. I was struggling with getting the words to come out one time and the ever-wise @blackandwhiteandrose gave me a handful of random words and told me write 100 words using some or all of them. I wrote a 400-word ficlet that I’ve never published (maybe I will do that later, idk) but it made it easier to write the fic I was actually trying to work on.

When I was writing my dissertation, I had to cut huge sections because I ended up taking a piece out of the study that changed the background a lot. My advisor recommended that I never delete anything I write because you never know when you’ll need it again. So I created a file called trash (he objected to this title but i ignored him lol) and put everything I deleted in there. I’ve been done with my dissertation for a while but I have gone back to that trash file to use things I previously deleted. I also have a trash file for fic, for those sentences and paragraphs I love but can’t quite make them fit. It’s not a waste. It’s writing.

I think many of us are working with some degree of imposter syndrome. I would venture to say that probably the majority of people you think write the “best” (whatever that means to you!) have at one time or another, looked at something they wrote and said, “man, that is garbage. What is even the point”. For me, it happens at least once per fic. I call it my fic midlife crisis because it usually happens midway through writing. I start to doubt everything. The prose is clunky, the dialogue is out of character, the whole premise is flawed and doesn’t make sense. I usually message my friends and say, “can someone read this and tell me if it’s stupid” and they will usually read it and say something along the lines of “you’re overthinking this again, it’s great” and offer suggestions on where to go.

There are multiple posts floating around tumblr about how you can never see your art the way someone else sees it because you made it. My prose is always going to sound trite and overused to me because I wrote it and I’ve read it a thousand times. That doesn’t mean it’s bad or doesn’t have value. It just means I’ll never be able to experience it for the first time. But despite all of this, I guarantee that your fic has impacted someone somewhere. Maybe it made them laugh when they were having a bad day. Maybe you wrote a line that made them cry at their desk. Maybe you wrote something really hot that helped them discover something about themselves. It all matters.

[harringtonstilinski]

What Love Can Feel Like Pt. 1 - Mitch Rapp

Author: @stilinskiparker Characters: Mitch Rapp x Reader Word Count: 4,952 Warnings: fluff, angst, small mentions of t*rrorist attack,  Requested: Nope. A/N: Hi, friends! So, I was going through my drafts either on this blog or my main one, and I saw a prompt list, so I wanted to write something for it. I figured that I could write some one-shots and draft them (like I did with this one), and post them whenever I feel like I want something out. Does that make sense? ‘Cause it didn’t in my head, lol. So, if you like this please don’t hesitate to reblog, comment, send something into my askbox. As always, read at your own risk and enjoy 😊

“Why is it that when I like a guy… they don’t like me back?” I asked. “‘Cause I’m tired of getting the short end of the stick?”

I was sitting in Mitch’s room on his bed, tears coming down my face. Not like steady tears, but they were coming out slowly… if that made any sense.

Mitch moved from his desk to sit beside me, putting an arm around my shoulder to try and comfort me. You couldn’t tell that he was a little bit muscular, but his muscles were there. 

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay,” he said. “They’re just stupid and can’t see the awesome person that you are.”

I looked at him, nothing but honesty in his eyes. Smiling a little, I nodded my head and looked down, whispering, “Okay. Thanks.”

“You’re my best friend,” he said. “That’s what I’m here for.”

I looked back up at him, an unimpressed look on my face. “No need to get all cocky there, Rapp.”

He chucked again, pushing lightly on my knee, while saying, “You love it, Y/L/N. We both know it.”

“Do I?” I asked, narrowed eyes, but a playful look to my face.

“Yes, you do.”

I chuckled and leaned over the side of his bed, grabbing my bag and opening it, taking the notebooks and pencils out that I needed to rewrite my notes and to start on my homework.

A little background about Mitch and I; we’re best friends. Have been since about the third grade when my family moved from Florida to Massachusetts. We lived across the street from each other and have been inseparable ever since his parents came over with him and his brother to welcome us into the neighborhood. 

When Mitch’s parents died, he became distant even though he and his brother lived with us until he and I graduated from his high school; his younger brother, Steven, a couple years behind us.

Yes, Mitch did get kicked out of three boarding schools because of his bad behavior or “discipline problems”. Was I there by his side? No, not really. He got into fights and even initiated some of them, which is something the school didn’t tolerate. 

Anyway, let’s go forward to college… where we are now. Syracuse University! Mitch and I both had a pact to go to the same college when we started our freshman year of high school. We didn’t wanna be apart. When we both got our individual scholarships, we were both ecstatic; he got one for lacrosse and I got one for softball. 

Going to the same college as Mitch has had it’s ups and downs, but mostly it’s ups. We’re hard on each other about the classes we have together, and we hold each other accountable for the classes that we don’t have together. It’s weird, but just go with it.

I sighed as I stared at my homework, not wanting to finish it. Quickly glancing at Mitch through my eyelashes, I saw that he was deep in concentration with his own homework. So, I grabbed my laptop and opened it, working on a project that I started what seemed like forever ago, but was just a few days ago. 

“Why do you have your computer open?” Mitch asked.

I looked at him over the top of my laptop, confused as to how he knew that. “You’re not even looking this way. How do you know I have my computer open?”

Finally locking eyes with me for a second, he said, “I’m your best friend. I know your mannerisms. When you sigh while doing your homework like you just did, you always grab your laptop and start working on it, your mousepad clicking more than your keyboard.”

Letting out a quick sigh, I just looked at him before reaching over and grabbing a pen, chucking it at him, which garnered a laugh out of him. “You’re an ass, you know that?”

“You love it,” he smiled. Before he went to say something else, his phone dinged with a message. Watching as he read that message on the screen, I knew exactly what it was. Or rather who it was. 

“Hey, listen--”

“I know,” I said. “Katrina. Date night?”

Mitch sighed while placing his phone back down, nodding. “Yeah. She keeps rescheduling on me. Told me that tonight was the only night she had free, so she wants to go to dinner.”

“Fancy place, or a place where you can still wear your clothes from lacrosse practice?”

“The diner down the street,” he explained, packing his bag back up. “Want me to bring you back anything?” Thinking it over for a moment, I ultimately decided that I didn’t want to intrude on their dinner date, so I respectfully declined, letting him know that I knew where everything was in his kitchen and that I would be perfectly fine.

Mitch had a small apartment to himself that we both absolutely loved. I helped him move in, and I may or may not have a drawer in his bedroom dedicated to my own clothes.

He finally nodded while getting up from the foot of his bed that he moved to once we started getting to work on homework. “Alright, uhm… I’ll be back later. If you leave and go back to your apartment, just text me and let me know.” “Will do,” I saluted. “Have fun.”

Before he officially left, he walked over to me and placed a quick to my forehead, something he’s always done. It’s more of a “I’ll see you later” type of thing, nothing romantic at all about it.

After I heard the door shut and lock, I got more comfortable in the spot I claimed as mine on his bed, continuing my project. 

I’m not sure how long I worked on my project before I fell asleep. The only thing I knew was that when I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, Mitch was asleep on the couch, tv and table lamp on. 

After I did my business, I turned off the lamp and grabbed the remote, turning the tv off before waking Mitch up and telling him to come lay in the bed while I took the couch. Before I could lay down after he stood, he grabbed my hand gently and gave me those sleepy eyes that I just could not resist; those eyes telling me to just sleep in the bed with him, platonically, of course.

Now, the thing that most people don’t know is that I have a secret about Mitch that I’ve been carrying for years. One that Mitch himself doesn’t even know. I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now, but… I’ve had a crush on Mitch since high school. And-and-and, no. It’s not some high school crush. 

This is one that I’ve tried to act on, especially as of late. But when Mitch met Katrina, it was all downhill from there. Crush is still there, oh yes. But knowing that Mitch will never feel the same hurts.

So, laying here with Mitch in the dark, listening to him softly snoring put me in my feels very hard. Knowing that I’ll never get the chance to be with him for the rest of our lives, listening to him softly snoring every night, even in old age.

We’re getting sappy now, so we’ll just leave it at that as I cuddle a little closer to him, and finally fall back asleep.

~~~

When I woke up the next morning, Mitch was laying on his back while I was tucked into his side. Not wanting to lay here any longer, mostly because I had a morning class, I slowly and quietly slid myself from under his arm, and stepped onto the floor. 

After I grabbed my bag and put my laptop back in it, I put my shoes on, not hearing Mitch sit up. 

“Where are you going?” he asked, sleepily.

I sighed quietly and turned around to face him. “I have a morning class.”

At the look on his face, I knew he was thinking over his own class schedule, asking himself, “Do I have a class?”

“Yes, now get up,” I said. “I’m going home to change. When I get back, you had better had a shower and gotten dressed.”

Fake saluting, Mitch said “Yes, ma’am,” before I walked out of his apartment.

When I walked into my own apartment, my roommate and best friend, Lily, was sitting at the bar in our kitchen drinking some coffee while looking at something on her computer.

“Hey, Lill,” I greeted. “What’cha looking at?”

“Oh, nothing,” she sighed. “Just my schedule for the day.” Lily was very organized with her school and work schedule. “I’ve got a late morning class, then my afternoon class. Work after school, then nothing once I get back home. Speaking of, you never came home last night.” She gave me a look only a mother could give that immediately made me cave.

“Okay, so, I was at Mitch’s last night,” I began. “We were studying and then he left because Katrina asked about a date night or whatever, so he went and I stayed, then I ended up falling asleep and I was gonna take the couch and have him sleep in his own bed, but he gave me those eyes that asked me to stay and I did–”

“Y/N/N! Slow down!” Lily exclaimed. “Why do you keep torturing yourself by hanging out with him? I mean, I get he’s your best friend and forever crush, but I just don’t get it.”

Sighing, I set my bag down on the couch. “I don’t know, Lill. I really don’t. Every time I think about not hanging out with him for even a day, I get all sad.” My phone dinging got my attention, so I pulled it out of my bag and looked at the screen, seeing a text from Mitch.

From Mitch: hey, im ready. you coming back?

I replied to him, saying that I was and to give me a few minutes to get dressed since I had just gotten home and was talking with Lily. After she asked me who it was, I explained the text and she understood, telling me to get dressed and to head out so that Mitch and I wouldn’t be late for class. After changing my clothes and spraying myself down with some body spray, I walked out the door and went straight back to Mitch’s. 

The best thing about Mitch’s apartment is that it was close to our first class of the day. No, we didn’t have the same class. We were different majors; he was an international business major, and I was a communication, journalism major.

Once I got to his apartment, I let myself in with the spare key Mitch had made for me. “Mitch! You ready?” I asked, walking into the kitchen.

“Ow, fuck” I heard him say. I closed my eyes and sighed as I heard his footsteps and him say, “Yeah, yeah. I’m ready.”

“Good, let’s go.” I turned on my heel and walked out of the door, waiting for Mitch in the hallway.

Once he closed and locked the door, we were both on our way to my car to head to our first class. I parked as close as I could before we both got out and grabbed our bags from the backseat. 

“We still on for lunch?” I asked as we both rounded the car.

“Yeah, always,” he said. “Why wouldn’t I make time for my best friend?”

Shrugging, I looked down at the grass. “I don’t know. With you being with Katrina and all, it just feels like you don’t ever have time for your best friend anymore. But, I’m probably just overthinking it, to be honest.”

Mitch put an arm around my shoulders, bringing me into his side a little more. “I will always make time for you, Y/N/N.”

I chuckled. “Good. I don’t wanna have to kick your ass.”

Pulling me tighter into him, placing a platonic kiss to the side of my head after saying, “You wish.”

Laughing, I pushed him away, looking up at the building that held my first class of the day, wishing Mitch good luck in his. Once I saw Lily standing by the door, I waved to her before her and I went to our class.

When class was done, I called up Mitch, seeing if he was ready for our walk to our next classes, but he didn’t answer his phone. Not really thinking anything of it, I texted him, telling him that I was ready for our walk. He replied that he was already on his way to his next class with Katrina, since they had it together.

Lily saw the disappointed look on my face and looped her arm through mine. “Come on. Let’s go get a coffee.”

This brightened my spirits, my response of, “Ugghhhh, yes,” brought a laugh out of her.

“Every time you do that, it sounds like you’re having sex,” she said.

“A good, iced vanilla almond milk latte is better than sex,” I said. “Not that I’m having much of it right now, this schedule has me insanely busy.”

“But not busy enough to have lunch and sleepover dates with your guy best friend.”

I looked at her, brows furrowed. “That’s different. That's a habit.”

“Uh huh, sure.”

“Let’s go get this coffee. I feel like I’m gonna fall right here on this concrete after that class.”

~~~

As I sat in our normal booth at our favorite diner, I had most of my schoolwork in front of me, getting a headstart on the easier things while saving the harder stuff for when I was in more comfortable clothes lounging in my own bed or couch.

A body sat in front of me, fingers lacing together on the table. “Okay, so here’s the deal. You’re gonna come back over, but before you do that, you’re gonna pack a bag for at least a couple nights.”

Chuckling while writing out a draft for an assignment, I said, “Oh, yeah?”

“Yes. I have a test tomorrow and I need your help cramming for it.”

Looking up at Mitch through my lashes for a moment, I looked back down to my paper, responding, “Katrina can’t help?”

“Nah, she’s busy.”

I scoffed, not liking that answer. “So, I’m your last resort?” I asked, packing up my stuff, as to not be rude.

“No, you’re not,” he answered. “I figured you’d be busy studying for your own exams, so I asked her and she said she was busy tonight, so I went back to my first choice.”

“You’re confusing me,” I chuckled. “Let’s just eat. I went ahead and ordered for you.”

Mitch smiled, “You’re the best.”

“I know.”

~~~

“ ‘What are some of the problems that come up during international business negotiations? 25 pts for each one you put down.’, ” I read from Mitch’s study guide.

“Uhhhh,” he thought. “Payment issues, and…” He thought for a moment more as I checked off the answer he gave me. “Negotiations?”

“Negotiations in Home Country,” I corrected. “I’ll give it to you anyway. Just try to remember ‘home country’ if you wanna put that answer down.”

“Okay. Can we do at least one more? I’m getting pretty tired,” he said. “Kinda just wanna hang out now. We’ve been at this for hours.”

I nodded my head, giving my answer of, “Sure,” before I looked back down at the paper. “Alright, uhm…” I looked at the paper, skimming through for another question. “Oh! ‘What is international business?’ ”

“Shit, uhm,” he muttered.

“You’re thinking too hard about it,” I said. “Don’t think about it and I’m sure it’ll come to you. At least that’s what my dad used to say.”

Looking at me as if I gave him the answer, he said confidently, “International business encompasses all commercial activities that take place to promote the transfer of goods, services, resources, people, ideas, and technologies across national boundaries.”

I put the paper and clapped my hands once in excitement with a smile on my face. “You’re gonna pass your test!”

Laughing happily, Mitch twisted from his side to his back, putting his arms above his head. “Finally!” He turned his head towards me, asking, “What do you wanna do?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Watch a movie?”

Getting off his bed, I went into the living room where the movies were kept in a super big CD holder. I flipped through them, finding one that we both loved. “How about 21 Jumpstreet?”

“Let’s do it!”

~~~

“I know what you're thinking: angry, black captain. Well guess what? I'm black, and I worked my ASS off to be the captain. And sometimes, I get a little angry, so suck a dick!”

I was laughing so hard, I had Mitch pause the movie so that I could try and catch my breath. “That’s the funniest shit,” I laughed. 

“That got you belly laughing,” Mitch chuckled. “Was it that funny?”

Finishing up my laughing fit, I wiped the tears that started forming from my eyes. “Either I’m really tired or those lines just really got to me.”

At my yawn, Mitch let out a chuckle. “I think you’re just tired.”

Like a child not getting their way, I whined, “But we just started the movie!”

“And we can finish it tomorrow,” he said. Standing up, he took my hands in his, standing me up in the process. “Let’s get your teeth brushed and you in bed.”

“But I’m not sleepy.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

Laughing, he said, “Alright, Chip.”

I sent him a glare and a middle finger as I walked to his bathroom, yelling, “Fuck you, Mrs. Potts.” Standing in front of the mirror, I grabbed the toothbrush I always kept over here. After wetting the toothbrush and putting the toothpaste onto the bristles, I ran it back under the water and put the toothbrush into my mouth, turning it on. Yes, I had one of those fancy toothbrushes that pulsate.

Once my teeth were as clean as I was going to get them, I spit it out then rinsed, spitting out the water after. I walked out of the bathroom, turning off the light after drying my mouth with the towel sitting on the counter, seeing Mitch standing at the foot of his bed. All I could do was look at my best friend with a small smile on my face. Not because of the crush I had, but because I was proud. 

“Are you excited that you’re about to take your final exams in your college career?” I asked.

He looked up at me and smiled. “Yeah. Aren’t you taking yours, too?”

Nodding, I said, “Yeah, next week. But I know all my material, so.”

Walking towards me to brush his own teeth, he said, “‘Cause you’re smart as hell, but you’re still gonna study. Get into bed.” He kissed my head, like he always did before disappearing into the bathroom.

I chuckled to myself, shaking my head slightly. Hearing his phone ding, I went over and looked at the screen, seeing a text from Katrina. The smallest smile that I had on my face disappeared. 

Hearing the bathroom door open and Mitch’s sigh following, I let out my own sigh. “Uhm,” I said, clearing my throat and turning to face him. “Katrina texted you.”

“Did you check it?” he asked.

I shook my head, holding his phone out to him. “It’s not my business.”

The look on his face told me that he was confused by my actions. “You know you can just check it, right?” Giving him an unamused look, I deadpanned, “I don’t wanna see her tits or puss, Mitch.”

He chuckled, taking his phone from my hand, opening the text. “She, uhm, she wants to come over tonight.” Another ding and a frustrated sigh. “I told her you were staying to help me study.”

“It’s okay, Mitch. Really.”

A knock on the door caused both of our heads to turn towards it, my eyes closing in the process, Mitch’s name being heard faintly on the other side. I guess Mitch knew what my next move was because he walked over to me.

“Don’t move,” he whispered. He walked off towards the door, talking with Katrina. Faking like I was going to get some water, I walked out of the bedroom with the cup from Mitch’s nightstand, going to the kitchen. 

“Katrina–” Mitch said before he sighed.

“So, what’s the reason I can’t hang out with my boyfriend?” she asked.

Turning on the tap, I looked up at them through my lashes, Katrina and I locking eyes. I could feel the tension rising like a raging fire, so I turned off the water and placed the cup in the sink, trying to be slick with walking away from the sink. “Ya’know what? Imma go. You two obviously have some stuff to work out.”

“Y/N/N–” Mitch started as I walked into his bedroom.

“No, let her go, Mitch,” Katrina interrupted.

Walking out of the bedroom, I had my overnight bag hanging from my shoulder, my backpack hanging on my arm by the straps. While I walked to the door, Mitch followed me, saying, “Stay. Please, just stay.”

With my hand on the knob, I turned my body a little to face him. “Mitch, your girlfriend is here. Just spend time with her. We can hang out after graduation.”

“That’s in three weeks.”

I shrugged, whispering, “I guess I’ll see you then.”

~~~

“Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe we’re sitting here about to graduate,” Lily said, very excitedly. 

“I know,” I squealed, a smile on my face. “I’ve been waiting for this moment since the start of the year!” I felt my phone vibrate against my leg, my dress having pockets. Pulling it out, I saw that I had a text from Mitch, saying that he was in the stand with my parents. I looked up, trying to find him in the crowd. 

“Who are you looking for?” Lily asked.

“Mitch.”

“He’s not graduating?” she asked, confused.

“No, he did. It was a couple days ago.”

“Oh. Wait, I see him.”

I looked over to where she was waving, seeing him standing with my dad. How I missed his salt and pepper hair, I’ll never know, but I’m glad I saw him. 

Once the Dean came on stage and did the opening ceremony, everyone quieted down, listening to her. I looked over at Lily, mouthing the same words our Dean was as she said, “This is a great group of students we have sitting here this year. All of them are unique in their own way.”

When the Dean was finished with speech, our girl from our class gave the welcome address before we finally were able to get up and walk across the stage to receive our diplomas. Once I was called, I couldn’t hear anything or anyone… except for Mitch. I heard him holler over everyone in the auditorium “That’s my best friend!”

Once everything was done and over with, all the graduates went outside and waited for our friends and family to find us. When I found my mom, I smiled, extremely happy that her and my dad came. I knew they were coming, but it’s different when you’re holding an accomplishment in your hands. Big hugs for both my parents before I was quickly turned around by Lily, who also gave me a hug.

The last person who I really wanted the hugs from was Mitch, who had a big smile on his face. As he gave me the hug, he lifted me up a little, spinning us around a couple times before stopping, my legs bent at a 90 degree angle the entire time.

When we both heard camera shutters from my parents phones, he set me down, both of us laughing at the embarrassment we were sharing.

About a thousand pictures later, the four of us made our way to our favorite spot off the campus. All of my stuff was already packed and waiting for me at my new apartment. While we were sitting at the restaurant, I turned to Mitch, asking where Steven was, his response being that he couldn’t make it because of his own exam schedule. I understood, as I was just there myself.

A little while later with everyone standing around the car, ready to go, Mitch received a phone call, walking away to answer. Yes sirs and no sirs heard throughout the conversation before a “Thanks. You, too” was heard before he came back to the car.

“What was that all about?” I asked, strapping myself in.

“Travel agent,” he confirmed. “Just wanting to confirm a trip I booked with him.”

A little hurt as to why I wasn’t in the loop, I asked, “Oh. Where you going?” “Ibiza, Spain. Graduation gift to Katrina. But it’s–” he said, hesitating at the end before continuing, “An engagement trip… hopefully.”

My heart stopped in my chest, my breathing stopping for a moment. He’s proposing? In Ibiza? I guess he noticed my reaction because he put his arm on the back of my chair, leaning in a little closer to keep the conversation between us.

“Look, I know it was supposed to be our after college before real world vacation, but she was real adamant on going.”

I shook my head, looking down at my drink. “No, it’s okay. I get it. It’s a beautiful place. She’ll love it.”

His phone ringing again stopped his response from coming out. “Hey, babe. No, I’m at dinner. Yeah. Yeah, tomorrow. Pack mine, please. Thanks. I love you. Bye.”

“You guys leave tomorrow?” I asked.

“Yeah. It was the soonest the agent could get us out there. But, I’ll be back next week and we can hang out then.”

“Okay,” I whispered.

~~~

When you graduate from college, it’s supposed to be a while before you can get a good, decent job. Unless your father works for the local news station and can get you a job pretty quickly.

I had only been out of school for a few days before my dad told me he had a job lined up for me, and that all I had to do was go down to the news station with him and start my new job. That was all planned by him.

What wasn’t planned by him, however, was when a story was placed down on my desk for me write up for the news website about a terrorist attack in Ibiza, Spain. Once I read the gist of everything, I stood up from my chair, seeing Mitch and Katrina’s names, only hers had her birth and death date.

I couldn’t help the sad emotions that came over me that day. I know that Katrina and I didn't exactly see eye to eye when it came down to our time with Mitch, but overall, she was a very sweet girl and Mitch deserved her.

It broke me to write the story on the attack, but I wasn’t able to give it to someone else. But after I wrote it and sent it off to be approved, I went to my dad's office and asked if there was any possible way I could go see Mitch. He gave me the okay, and off like a rocket, I went.

Once I got to Mitch’s apartment, I knocked on the door, waiting for him to answer. I heard shuffling like things were being moved around before silence followed. I knocked again, saying his name and who I was, him probably having PTSD from overseas.

The door opening caught my attention after I walked a few away, and I took in his appearance; shirtless with a bandage on his right shoulder. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I placed a hand over my mouth. I guess this upset him because he just walked back into his apartment, going back to whatever it was he was doing.

I walked in, seeing that he had boxes scattered around. “What are you doing?” I whispered.

“Packing Katrina’s things,” he answered shortly. “Her parents want her stuff back. I’m packing my stuff as well. I’m giving my lease up.”

“You haven’t been here for a month.”

“It’s too big for just me. I found another apartment across town.”

I nodded my head, pulling the strap of my crossbody purse over my head, setting it down on the kitchen table. “Alright. I’ll help. What do you–”

“I don’t need your help. If I did, I would’ve asked for it.”

His answer had taken me aback. I didn’t expect him to be so short and hurtful.

“Are you sure you don–”

“I said I don’t need your help. Leave.”

Scoffing, I replaced my purse on my shoulder, looking at him disappointedly. “Look, I get what happened on the beach was a fucking horrific thing to experience, but that doesn’t give you the right to be such an ass.”

“That piece of shit took everything from me,” he sneered. “So go back to your perfect little life and stay out of mine.”

I was shocked at what just came out of his mouth. I couldn’t believe the words he just spoke to me, tears falling down my cheeks like a waterfall. “When you find my best friend, have him give me a call with an apology.”

“You won’t get one.”

I turned on my heel and stormed out of the apartment, not looking back for the next 18 months.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N 2: hi friends! i hope y’all liked this! it took me four and a half forevers to write, just because i had a hard time coming up with scenarios before the movie events of AA. if you saw this post, i know it says it’s coming in three parts, but i’m changing it to maybe more. i’m not sure, though. guess i’m gonna let the story take itself where it wants to go, lol. anyways, i hope y’all enjoyed this. pls don’t hesitate to let me know what you thought in the comments, reblogs, or even my askbox. 

Additional A/N: i know that in the movie, it doesn’t state whether or not the spain trip with mitch and katrina was a graduation gift or just a trip they planned / mitch planned for the engagement, so i added that in for sentimental reasons. part two will be out when i have it fully written.

~~~

Forever / Everything Taglist: @stiles-o-dylan24 @stixnstripesworld @fandom-princess-forevermore @quanticobae @mischiefandi @kellyashcroft @lauren-novak 

Mitch Rapp Taglist: @stixnstripesworld @fandom-princess-forevermore @quanticobae @loveanii​ @good-vibes-and-glitter​

If you’re tagged and didn’t want to be, please let me know.

~~~

*Please don’t post my writing anywhere else without my consent. The author of this work will always and forever be @stilinskiparker.

All characters, story lines, and plot aside from y/n and her storyline & plot, are all of the work of the creator of the late author, Vince Flynn. 

*These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited.

No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher.

Posted on March 22, 2022

[saladejin]

Lost & Found | Jimin (M)

Jimin x Fem!Reader | s2f2l au, (ex)-policeman!Jimin, vetnurse!Reader | fluff, meet-cute, (emphasis on) hurt/comfort, angst and heavy angst, found families, slight humour, mentions of other members

Summary: You’ve essentially spent your whole life working around dogs, through sickness and through health, but one memorable encounter at the park has you thinking ‘why not one more?’ 

Or, maybe it’s not the dog that needs help, but rather the beautiful yet reserved man with honey blonde hair at his side. Perhaps, rather than dogs and cats, you need to start learning how to heal people. Maybe then you can start to heal yourself too.

Warnings: tw // (mental health, descriptions of death - no major, descriptions of abandonment - not by main characters, absent parents) // Descriptions of traumatic experiences, mental health issues/struggles (depression, anxiety), minor character death, hurt/comfort, mental breakdowns / resolved breakdowns. Only the tiniest, vaguest references to suicide - basically nothing.

- semi non-descriptive smut, fooling around in the pool, kissing, touching, fucking ... plenty of cussing lol

Word Count: 18.6k (hahahha kill me) 

A/N: Okay so here is my entry for the Ghostie Network’s ‘Dynamite Dads’ event, and it’s a bit late oops! I wasn’t really feeling up to write Jimin as a dad with an actual human baby, but I did the next best thing and gave him a gorgeous pupper who he basically treats as his own child ... enjoy :)

The genre was FLUFF, and my trope was ‘found family’. I promise you there is definitely some fluff to pay off for the angst. I feel ok saying it’s nothing too extreme, 🥺 but please heed the warnings and don’t hate me too much for the pain hehe

There will be a sequel, so this will most likely end up being a two-shot. You’ll see what I mean :) 

<< masterlist

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵  

Jimin knows from the very moment he opens his eyes to the sound of 6 a.m. birdsong, that today would be it. His last day.

He drags himself from bed, all fluffed up hair and puffy eyes, shrugging on the same dark navy uniform he’s worn for the past five years. He blinks away the sleep clutching at his eyelids, trying his best to prevent the flashing colours behind them from focusing into memories. 

Perhaps they were a lingering dream, flooded with the distant sounds of wailing sirens and a snarling canine, but thankfully they vanish with one brisk shake of his head.  

Snarling swiftly changes into a gentle whine, and Jimin raises his head with a troubled sigh to see Mandu sniffing by his bedroom door. His best friend, his companion, and most of all his boy. Jimin’s cheeks lift in a small smile, and the dog with a pelt of rich fawn brightens instantly, tail thumping the wall in innocent glee at seeing his handler’s eyes shine.

“Morning, bud.” 

Not two hours later, Jimin’s sitting just outside the chief’s office. He waits with downcast eyes, fiddling with his fingers to ward away the nerves and anxiety causing his heartbeat to pick up speed. 

He knows how it looks; he knows that everyone there can see through him and his firm expression. He’s never been good at hiding emotions very well, despite society’s expectation that anyone working in the law enforcement sphere should. No, not him, and that’s exactly why he has to leave it all behind.

“Officer Park…”

The chief’s eyes are not upset, angry or surprised by the news, but rather concerned. Jimin swallows his guilt down heavily, knowing full well that he has every right to do what he’s doing. He fights the urge to comb his fingers through his soft honey blonde hair, or the instinctual need to scratch at his own neck from the sheer distress of it all.

“Park, is it because of yesterday?”

That simple phrase was all it took to send him reeling back.

Flashing colours and background noise burst into focus, and Jimin suddenly finds himself reliving everything. Heavy well-worn boots thudding against the road slick with fresh rain, the sound of shrieking sirens all around, piercing his eardrums like knives. His lungs constricting, burning, with need for air as he follows Mandu into the darkness of the alley.

“Jung! Jung, where-”

Jimin can barely hear himself think above the clatter, the vicious snarling and gnashing of teeth against flesh being the only sound keeping him grounded. He has a job to do, and he’ll see it through to the end even if it costs him his life. He cocks his pistol and carefully peers around the corner of the dimly lit alleyway, hoping that the pathetic cries of the criminal under attack means that the coast is somewhat clear.

Anxiety bubbles up in his chest, for his partner and his boy, but he knows he can’t let his worry for them cloud his judgement now, of all times.

“Drop your weapon now!” he shouts above the noise, rounding the corner to apprehend the man currently locked into a bloody fight with his K-9 counterpart, desperately kicking and shoving to try and escape the ferociously snapping jaw knocking him down.

To Jimin’s relief, the weapon in question had been thrown down with a clatter amidst the man’s struggle, the gun still rotating slightly in its place from the force of its projection.

Then his bones freeze up when he watches the shiny object come to rest by a steel-capped boot, a boot so familiar to his eyes because it’s the exact same one he wears.

It’s Jung. Slumped against the wall, unmoving, unseeing … blood pools everywhere around him, and the iron-tinged smell hits Jimin right in the face until he can barely stand to breathe. “H-Hoseok, no…”

Mandu’s growls bring him crashing down to Earth, and Jimin’s pulled the trigger before he can even think twice about his actions. In the back of his mind, he knows he’s trained unconditionally to aim for non-fatal points on the human body, but right then and there, through the crimson haze of his fury, he wished he’d been able to do it.

Avenge him.

“Park…”

“Officer Park? Are you with me?”

Jimin gasps lightly, blinking his eyes to chase away the all-too-fresh memory from his mind yet again. His bottom lip is clamped so hard between his teeth, he wonders if the iron taste of blood in his mouth had actually been more than imagination. The superior officer sat at the desk in front of him nods solemnly.

“Park Jimin, I understand completely. I can’t stop you…”

The chief’s voice fades into the background as Jimin lets his thoughts wander once more, but he soon feels the darkness eating away at him again. The inner demons, the pain and suffering, because everyone leaves you, Jimin. The cycle repeats, you let yourself love then you let yourself lose.

“The … adoption of ‘Mandu’ as you’ve stated here, has already been finalised. We’re glad to see a long serving canine of our force retire to a responsible home. Thank you, Park.”

“Of course, Chief.”

The older man sighs and gives Jimin a once-over, clearly recognising that the man before him needs time to heal, however long that may be. Jimin feels it too, deep within his heart, his mind, and his very soul. This was it. He could finally hide. He could finally stop inflicting all this pain on himself and push it back to the deepest corners of his mind, where it would remain untouched.

“We thank you for your service, please hand in your badge and equipment by the end of the week.”

  ~ three months later ~

 “That’s it for the day!”

Muscles aching and eyes watering from a yawn, you peel the stretchy gloves from your hands with a grimace. The sweaty feeling lingers on your skin long after throwing the disgusting things in the trash. It’s only after you shed your nurse scrubs and lanyard that you remember you aren’t quite ready to finish up.

“(Y/n), you just have to take Jessie out for a bit before you go,” your colleague calls, much to your chagrin at the reminder. It’s been a long day at the veterinary clinic, and even if vet nursing wasn’t quite as strenuous of a job as legitimate veterinarian work, it still sapped a decent amount of energy.

God, you just want nothing more than to go home to your warm bed, and your fluffball cat. Instead, you pack away your uniform and grab a leash to prepare for the walk.

“C’mon girl,” you coo gently to the old border collie resting in her cage. There was an immense pride in the way the clinic took care of its sick and injured animals, and that included exercising the dogs every single day without fail. You absolutely loved it, loved your job and everything it entailed.

Ten minutes later, you’re letting the gate to the local park click shut behind you.

The dog park is remarkably busy today, you muse after letting Jessie off her leash for a run. Inside the spacious area – fenced off nicely with grasses delightfully green from the Spring air – are dogs and puppies of various shapes, sizes and colours bounding around each-other like ping pong balls.

You can’t suppress a snort of amusement as a particularly handsome pooch catches your eye, something akin to a German Shepherd though not quite as large. Your eyes follow the energetic bundle of energy as he darts around the group of dogs, chasing them and nipping at their heels to keep them controlled, just how he likes it.

It was inevitable that Jessie would soon join in, and you can only let out knowing sigh at the sight of the beautiful collie’s eyes lighting up with that familiar fire; a flame that had remained dormant for many, many years within her ageing mind. She takes off and rounds up the strays of the flock, arthritis in her joints long forgotten as her instincts to chase and collect take over entirely.

“Mandu, why…”

A breathy sigh escapes the person standing barely a metre away from where you sit on the park bench, and you finally take a moment to observe the other dog owners milling around this sector of the park. Their eyes are wide in confusion as they witness the spectacle happening before them, but you’re brought back to the man closest to you as he lets out another disappointed click of his tongue.

“It’s normal with herding breeds,” you find yourself saying through a fond smile, though your socially awkward inner self wants to kick you in the ass for it. The man, who looks as though he’d been about to jump in to collect his zippy companion, falters in his motion to regard you in surprise.

“Yeah, uh, it’s just been a while since my boy’s done it.” He rubs at his neck self-consciously, eyes glancing around to see if anyone’s thrown him a dirty or judgemental look already. From your place on the wooden seat, you can easily catch the way the sunlight caresses the man’s unique features, the worn-out sneakers and running wear telling you that he comes this way often to exercise.

He clears his throat. “You…”

As he trails off, somehow losing confidence halfway through his sentence, you feel that familiar pang of embarrassment that comes with talking to strangers. “Mine’s the collie, so I know I should probably step in too.” You laugh quietly, instantly breaking eye-contact when he holds your stare for a second too long.

He was stunning, to say the least, with incredibly soft looking caramel hair swept back from his face, and pillowy looking lips that were large, but fitting when placed together with his smooth sloping cheekbones and an elegant jawline. His eyes, though, were tired. They were so tired, and you knew exactly what it felt like to leave home every day when you were … that emotionally exhausted.

At your comment, the man breaks into a grin, because well … you’re in the same boat here. He’s probably relieved that you hadn’t lectured him on dog behaviour or keeping his pet in check, or something like that. Nope, turns out you were just as liberal as he was.  

You get to your feet, trying to inwardly shake the tingling in your chest from the sight of his lips curling into a smile alone, and jostle the leash in your hand to try and get your playful lady’s attention.

When that didn’t work, you let out a loud whistle and hope that the slight burning sensation travelling up the back of your neck would fade away soon. Although, you knew that as long as the curious man kept his eyes trained on you, it would persist. “Jessie, here girl.”

The beautiful stranger follows suit, but to your shock he barely has to make any noise, just a simple gesture and briskly spoken word before his responsive dog is sitting to attention at his feet. Ears pricked and warm canine eyes focusing on his owner as if nothing else in the world would ever matter as much as he did in that moment. You quickly look up to catch a glimpse of the man’s face once more, and the love now swimming in his gaze as he ruffles the dog’s pointy ears was nothing short of breathtaking.

You should go now.

You utter a tiny ‘bye’ as you take your leave, not even sure that the captivating man is able to hear you over the way he’s currently trying to scold his tawny-furred dog in a soft, gentle tone. A stern voice that still made it obvious just how endeared he was behind the annoyed façade.

You glance down to where Jess pads quietly on the pavement beside you, her black and white wavy pelt somewhat tousled from the exertion and her tongue lolling out in pure elation after stretching her legs. Sunlight, a blinding smile, caramel blonde hair…

How were you supposed to think of anything else now?

~

Three days pass, and you’re back in the clinic. Work is piling up, and you’re basically booked out thanks to a spontaneous outbreak of ‘Kennel Cough’ throughout nearby shelters. How the infectious disease spread to not one, but two localised areas, nobody knew.

“Someone must have taken their dog to all of them, or maybe had it transferred mid-vacation,” you growl to Dr. Kim, lining the antibiotics up on the med table after checking the clipboard thoroughly. Healthy vaccinated dogs would be fine, perhaps a tad sickly for a week or two, but puppies and those with immune deficiencies? Out of luck unfortunately.

“I’ve scheduled the radiographs for the most affected,” Dr. Kim informs, and you’re in a right mind to believe he’s only trying to reassure you right now. He sighs and flashes you a weary smile, age-lines prominent around his kind features thanks to the recent months of stress. “Hopefully we can rule out any pneumonia. You’re free to go on break by the way, Nurse (L/n).”

At the word ‘break’, you feel dread crash through your body like a heavy wave. Shit, had you forgotten to bring lunch today? A wishful image floats through your head of the delicately tossed Greek salad you’d prepared the night before, only problem being that it was still wrapped neatly in the fridge at home.

“Damn it,” you mutter, planting a forced smile on your face when the older doctor eyes you worriedly at the soft outburst. “Sorry, I’ll need to head out today.”

You can’t stop internally punching yourself for being forgetful, knowing that it’ll cost you precious time to walk to the nearest eateries and back. Perhaps if you owned a car, you’d be able to savour those few extra minutes of relaxing during your break.

Nope, it’s walking for you now. Idiot.

So off you go. The route is pleasantly quiet for the most part, with the sun slowly beginning to warm the leaves on trees as they protect their newly forming flower buds. There’s the incessant yet melodic chirping of birds while they scourge the nearby plants for food, either for themselves or their young. It was easy to stop and appreciate the various signs of revival and rebirth around you, but maybe not today.

Today, you had too much to worry about and too much weighing you down. There were so many helpless animal lives that were going to be lost, all because of one person and their ignorance. You had to come to terms with death fairly quickly when entering this line of work, but that didn’t make it any easier as time passed by.

Especially for someone like you.

You come to a sudden stop and blink your eyes firmly. The painted sign that blocks your path display the words ‘DOG PARK’ in all capitals, and it throws you off guard completely. You’d … somehow taken this heavy of a detour? Well, you suppose it could be worse, and the park did have another entrance on the far side you can use to somehow shortcut your way into town, but you can’t shake your confusion until ah.

There he is. The dog park guy, standing slightly off the well-trodden path. He’s dressed in a casual grey tee shirt and comfy matte black shorts this time, effortlessly showing off the defined muscles of his calves as he bends down to retrieve a bright green frisbee. He then flings it so high into the air, you doubt even his wonderfully enthusiastic dog will be able to catch up to it.

But when the well-built canine does in fact manage to clamp his teeth down on the airborne toy, you only manage to pick your jaw up off the floor after a handful of shellshocked moments. Some special kind of training had become evident in the way the animal springs off its hind legs with such intensity.

Right, you should stop staring like a maniac and keep walking.

At this rate, you’re going to be late back to work, and with the sheer number of things left to do and problems to solve with the shelters and kennels, you know that’s not an option. Hell, you’re so swallowed by your anxiety that you break out into a slow jog to make it at least halfway through the dog park in time.

Don’t look at him, don’t.

You glance at the man as you pass him, hoping to dear God that he’s focusing on his dog rather than the strange pet-less woman running through the park meant for pets, wearing dark forest-green scrubs underneath her jacket because she was too stupid to remember her food for the day. But alas, he is looking at you too.

It’s a weird kind of energy you can’t place, as if some kind of invisible force is trying to slow your feet down. The air thickens in resistance, and it’s like you’re barging through it to continue forward on your path. Everything in your body screams at you to stop, to talk to him, to say ‘hello’ with a smile because he deserves to have his own friendly one returned in some way. Oh wow, he’s actually looking at you, isn’t he?

The thing is, in situations like this you get nervous. You and attractive guys? Not quite the match made in heaven you’d probably expect. He flashes you that smile, all pearly whites to accompany the recognition from yesterday glittering in his startled gaze, but all you can manage is a strained grimace-like grin in return with a tiny wave of your sweaty palm.

Great. Fucking great.

At least you’re already gone before you can wallow in the humiliation; before you can simmer in it like a fine stew. He’s probably forgotten you already anyway, but you can’t help looking over your shoulder to check regardless.

Checkmate, he’s watching you go. The smile is now amused, and his head is cocked cutely to the side in playful confusion. As his dog jumps all over him to try and win back his attention, you flip the hoodie of your jacket up and try to ward off the embarrassed onslaught of laughter that bubbles in your chest. It would take more than a few days to wipe the image of his crescent moon shaped eyes from your memory this time around.

~

Jimin wakes to a wet and uncomfortable sensation prodding his face, and if he didn’t already have an innate sense for his favourite living being in the whole world, he’d be on his feet and ready to fight in no time at all.

“Mandu you gotta let me sleep,” he groans out, voice deep and groggy from his slumber. A persistent whine dragging from the throat of the animal rouses Jimin further, and he slides up to rest back on his elbows, eyes squeezing shut and skin covered in the slightest sheen of sweat from how hot it’d been under the bedcovers.

His dry lips part in a yawn. “Fine, you hungry?”

Mandu pokes his snout into Jimin’s cheek once more, big gentle brown eyes urging him to get up and start his day. Jimin knows that without his best friend with him, he’d barely have any motivation to step foot outside his room, let alone head out for a run each day consecutively.

It helps that his buddy looks out for him as diligently and as loyally as he had back when they were in the force together. It’s like nothing ever changed, and in the back of Jimin’s mind, he knows that the sense of routine had most likely saved his life time and time again.

“Alright,” he grunts loudly, lips curving into a smirk as he cups Mandu’s furry face into his palms, squishing the doggy cheeks he finds there together until the dog squirms in his spot on the bed. It’s not until Mandu lets out a frustrated yet playful growl that Jimin leaves him be with one last ruffle of his dark pointed ears.

Yeah, he really was fucked without his boy reminding him to eat, walk and sleep every day. Jimin knew it was pathetic, and he’d never felt so useless in his whole life, but it was enough to get him through for now.

Jimin scratches at his bare chest, freezing on his amble towards the kitchen when he spots something. Mandu stops along with him, his nails click on the floorboards in impatience but Jimin’s eyes are intensely locked onto the photo frame perched on the living room cabinet.

Idiot, of course there was one left.

He slams the frame down, making sure he can’t see the two laughing faces for a second longer than needed. He realises with a frown that he probably forgot to remove it due to barely ever setting foot in the living room as it was. Up until now, for the last five years, he’d spent most of his time at the station or out on the field. Patrolling, tracking … even apprehending, but that simply meant areas of his home went essentially unused for months on end.

Things were changing…

“Hey bud, what’s for breakfast?” he hums to his pal softly, finding a small happiness in the way Mandu circles around his legs like a bothered child. He assumes that if the dog were human, he’d be sporting the mightiest of pouts right about now.

Ten minutes later, Jimin finds himself nose deep in a bowl of flavourless cereal. On any other ordinary day, he and Mandu would usually race to see who could finish their meal the speediest, but he’s not feeling it this time around. The fawn coloured dog seems to give him a judgemental stare, as if saying ‘what’s wrong with you, did you let me win!?’ to which Jimin looks down at him and lets a breathy laugh fall from his lips.

“Not everything’s a competition boy, grow up already.”

Mandu simply huffs and moves to lay down, resting his muzzle on his front paws in defeat.

“How dare you roll your eyes at me.”

A dismissive sniff in response. Jimin finishes his meal with a shake of his head, knowing that if anyone were to ever hear the way he spoke to his pet dog, he’d most likely get shipped off to the nearest mental institution available. The sudden dark thought earns a surprised raise of his brows, but as he rinses his bowl off in the sink, he knows he has nothing to worry about.

It’s only him and Mandu now, and nobody else mattered. Nobody else was allowed to matter.

Yet Jimin’s always one to wear his heart on his sleeve. Even if he tries the hardest he can to shut the world out, he’s continuously drawn to people. Drawn to seek company and validation, drawn to love others with his whole heart unconditionally. He could have it all, but all the world does is take from him.

He sighs and sits back at the kitchen countertop, head resting on his folded arms much like the sassy child sprawled underneath the stool right now. “Do you think we’ll see the pretty lady from the park again today?”

The dog’s ear twitches, then flicks as if bothered by an irritating bug of some description. Jimin doesn’t know how to take that, really. Was it a no? Did Mandu even want to see her as much as he did? He supposes not, considering the ex-police dog was trained to be protective, and was instinctively so in every possible way.

He belongs to Jimin, and apparently that means Jimin belongs to him too, no friends allowed. Something in the back of his mind shouts that he shouldn’t be wanting friends anyway, that they were something to be afraid of.

“Whatever.”

It was the next day when things turned sour. To Jimin’s slight disappointment, they hadn’t seen the pretty lady in strange green attire again, but something did go horribly wrong instead.

Jimin exits the bathroom with a snowy white towel draped over his head, hoping that somehow his laziness will be overlooked for once and the towel will simply dry his hair for him with no additional effort, only for the fabric to fall from his head once he catches sight of Mandu walking down the hallway. Only he’s not walking, but rather limping.

“Buddy c’mere,” Jimin calls, voice pitching higher than usual in concern. With fear and cold hard dread settling deep into the pit of his stomach, Jimin observes the dog instantly perking up at the sound of his voice.

Mandu lets out a small yelp of excitement, but still has a stiffness and slight limp to his gait when he makes his way over. Jimin crouches down and pets the canine fondly, the sinking of his heart telling him that his suspicions were right all along.

Something is wrong here. He has to know what’s up, has to make sure his boy’s alright.

Jimin’s bundled the both of them into the car before he can stop to even think straight, and Mandu is nothing but a ball of excitement – bouncing around and goofily grinning the entire time. It hurts to think he’s fooling the dog into believing they’re going on some sort of spontaneous adventure, but that wouldn’t be entirely wrong. It’s only around noon so the local vet clinic has to be open, right?

He’s not dying, you really need to chill out.

Jimin knows his inner voice speaks the truth, but he continues to justify his frantic driving with a carefully crafted self-assurance. He’s only making sure, he’s simply worried for his baby.

He doesn’t stop to think about the way his hair is still unpleasantly damp from the shower, having forgotten to actually dry it beforehand, or the way his socks had somehow ended up being odd colours. He hastily finds a park outside the clinic and attaches his leash to Mandu’s collar.

What Jimin doesn’t expect to see, when striding through the administration doors with the dog in his arms, is you.

Your expression matches his own look of astonishment, your beautiful eyes widening in recognition in the exact same split-second his do. If Jimin was being honest with himself, he could probably just stand there looking at you for the next thirty minutes or so, but a miniscule wriggle from the animal in his hold brings him crashing back down to Earth.

“Um, hi,” he begins awkwardly, paces enormous as he lurches towards the desk you’re bracing your hands upon, still recovering from the shock of seeing him again it seemed. “I have a problem…”

You clear your throat and try not to smile at the amusing sight before you. Jimin knows it can’t be the strangest thing you’ve ever seen here, but the openly scared and confused dog clutched to his chest is enough to make you bite your lip in an effort to restrain yourself.

“I can see that. Luckily, we’ve got nobody in queue so you can jump right out back with me,” you say with a kind lilt to your tone that Jimin can tell is part of the customer service sector of your job description. He doesn’t really mind, nor does he even care. Right now, his only concern is Mandu.

No pretty lady in green scrubs is going to distract him from his best bud right now.

Fifteen minutes pass, and Jimin is worrying the skin of his bottom lip with his teeth. His wide troubled eyes trail over every movement you make as you examine the incredibly stiff and uncomfortable dog on the sterilised table. When Jimin meets Mandu’s startled gaze, he tries his best to calm his best friend down in a familiar gentle tone he would use at home.

“It’s okay buddy, you’ll be alright. Good boy…”

If you’re irritated or weirded out by his vocalisations, you don’t show it. Your mind seems to be too wrapped up in gently working your fingertips into the back haunches of the dog, massaging in slow circles. Jimin’s drawn in by the way you handle Mandu with such care and precision, and he begins thinking that if you were to do that to him, he’d probably be relaxing in no time.

Weird thoughts, but whatever, I guess.

The same can’t be said for the dog, though, and Jimin can only pick up the intensity of his soothing praises once he catches sight of Mandu trembling in fear on the table. The dog’s elbows seem to want to buckle under the stress of the situation, and it breaks Jimin’s heart to pieces to see his pal all worked up like this. It’s lucky that the animal has been trained well enough to trust in his handler’s presence alone, otherwise this whole examination might’ve taken a … darker and more vicious turn.

“Do you know what’s wrong?” he asks you quickly, voice high and strained as he reaches forward to scratch behind one of the dog’s ears in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. Mandu licks his palm in return, and usually Jimin would recoil and protest loudly, but today he was fairly sure he’d let his boy get away with anything.

You sigh softly, and Jimin doesn’t know what that means at first, but then you peel the gloves from your hands and flash him a small smile. Everything starts to feel okay somehow. “You see, Sir, this is quite commonly seen in specific breeds of dog, including your German-”

“Belgian Malinois.” The correction is out before he can hold it back, and Jimin wants to slap himself for how snappy and rude it sounds, but you don’t take offense in the slightest. Instead, he’s stunned once more when you click your fingers with a light gasp of realisation.

“That’s what it is! I was trying to remember the name of this breed for days on end, after the first time I saw him in the park.”

Jimin raises his brows at that, feeling the last of his anxiety melt from his bones at the sight of your smile, which was slowly beginning to familiarise itself to him.

“Ah, well you could’ve asked me. I would’ve told you in a heartbeat.” He chuckles, though it’s somewhat dry from the raw emotions still running their course through his brain. When you let out a soft laugh in return, he forces himself to tear his eyes away.

“Oh well, anyway you can calm down a bit, there’s nothing life threatening going on here just yet,” you assure in a calming tone, and Jimin can easily sense how there’s more sincerity behind the sound compared to the voice you’d used earlier when greeting him.

“There are two things I can narrow down for you, taking into consideration the information you’ve given me so far. Commonly found in these breeds is something called hip dysplasia, where the hip joint undergoes abnormal development or growth. The other possibility for his lameness is a form of chronic arthritis called osteoarthritis, which deteriorates joint cartilage more commonly in older dogs like Mandu here.”

“He’s not that old though?” Jimin hums, brows furrowing in bewilderment at the news. He pats the dog’s head fondly, saddened but glad that he can breathe a little easier now that he knows what’s going on.

“Perhaps, but he’s lived a very active lifestyle, you see. Heavy strain and activity on the dog’s body can bring this forth quicker, much the same as it does in humans,” you explain with a sad sigh.

“I do recommend getting x-rays done to check out the full extent of the damage, as well as to check for any other abnormalities.”

You then take your leave to fetch the main doctor, and Jimin finds himself startled to discover you’re only a veterinary nurse here. By the way you were reeling off information from the top of your head, as well as the confident manner in which you examined and diagnosed his dog, he would’ve effortlessly assumed you ran the goddamn joint.

He waits in the administration area while Mandu’s getting his x-rays done, fingers fiddling with themselves from the trepidation building up inside him. He doesn’t even hear you enter the room, and can’t help his back going ramrod straight attentively when you clear your throat. Curse his years of training in the force.

“Hey, I can just see that you’re a little stressed out there. He must mean a lot to you.” You walk around the corner of the front desk and take your place one seat away from him. Jimin realises that you most likely keep your distance from most customers with an unmistakeable barrier of professionalism, but for him you seem to be stepping right out of your comfort zone.

He can tell by the unnecessarily chipper tone of your voice, and how your eyes flicker nervously to the side every once in a while. You’re good at hiding how anxious you are, he’ll give you that, but not good enough to escape watchful eyes such as his. Not when he goes through the exact same thing.

He finally musters the courage to respond after a few seconds of simply eyeing you in curiosity. “Yep.” He smiles tightly and returns his gaze to his interlocked fingers, knowing the expression wouldn’t reach his eyes. “He’s been with me through thick and thin. Almost like a little brother or son to me, as weird as that probably sounds.”

“I wouldn’t say weird,” you instantly oppose, laughing to brighten the sullen mood Jimin knows he’s bestowed upon you. “I think it’s sweet, and he’s a very lucky dog to have someone caring about him so much.”

Your sentiment melts the icy sadness around Jimin’s heart ever so slightly. The cold blanket encompassing him ever since his last loved one left his side. He hasn’t felt the urge to open up since, but he knows he sure as hell wasn’t going to start now. “I- thanks, I guess.”

Before he can continue on and ruin the somehow light-hearted atmosphere by telling you he wants to be alone, you’re suddenly speaking again in that gentle voice of yours. “It’s kinda funny how we keep running into each-other, don’t you think? I can’t help but hope you’ll both be at the park whenever I pass by…”

Jimin’s at a loss for words at your candour, looking up sharply to see the way you’re shyly tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and avoiding his eyes like the plague. It looks as though you regret the words as soon as they’re out in the open air.

But … he feels the same.

He can’t say it. He won’t. He can’t just let you in and create a space for yourself in his life, or heart right now. He cannot admit that you’ve lived in his mind for free ever since he saw you that second time, running past him with that smile on your face, confusing him with your antics to no end. Why do you keep getting under his skin in the best possible way?

“I mean, i-if you’d like to go out for coffee or something later on, I-”

He dips his head with a small sniff to attempt to cut you off in a somewhat polite manner. “Ah sorry, I’ve got a … funeral at two. Not really in the mood these days, but I appreciate it. Seriously, I do.”

He doesn’t wish to see your reaction to his less than eloquent rejection, but he catches it regardless. That wrenching moment you come to the conclusion that you read the signs all wrong. The glimmer of hope and interest in your eyes slowly flickering out like dying embers, although not completely, and he has no doubt it ever would.

You frown and instantly come through with a quiet “I’m sorry for your loss,”, but Jimin dismisses the sympathy with a tiny wave of his hand, claiming that it was a colleague and acquaintance rather than a close friend or family member.

It’s already obvious to him how much of an optimist you are. You’re holding onto that tiny shred of hope as if it were the string of a helium balloon, one moment of slack and he’d be floating away from you far out of reach.

“Right, sorry if I overstepped.”

He doesn’t know what to say. You’re way too considerate and understanding of him, and the painful burn that leaves on his conscious is so real. It reminds him of all the times his brother would tell him to never take people’s kindness for granted, but here he was shooting you down even though you’d never given him a reason to.

In fact, he likes you enough to go back almost instantly on his words.

“I really am busy, otherwise … I would actually love to, believe me.” He combs a hand through his hair in exasperation, inwardly cringing at the damp dewy sensation greeting his palm as he’s reminded again of his post-shower dilemma. You’re already chuckling at your newfound victory, and he’s pleasantly surprised at the sudden streak of mischief in your eyes.

“Let’s make it a date for Saturday then, see you at the park usual time? I’ll make sure to come out earlier so I don’t miss you again.”

Damn you’re assertive, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t liking it. Something in the way you so effortlessly drew him out of his shell was electrifying. Was he even in total control of his own emotions right now?

He’s left in a stunned silence, nodding in response to your question before you’re suddenly making your exit, uttering something along the lines of ‘best wishes for the funeral’ and ‘good luck with Mandu’, but he can barely hear beyond the rushing of blood past his ears. He’s a flustered mess of a man right now.

He only regains majority of his focus once he’s left the clinic with some anti-inflammatory and pain meds for his dog, a slight dent in his bank account, and a date.

~

Holy fuck. You really did that. You did.

When it came down to it, you just saw your shot and took it. Simple as that, really. When the attractive guy from the dog park had shown up at the clinic, piercing deep brown eyes full of purpose, you’d very nearly felt your brain short-circuit at the sight. However, as time went on you began to get a glimpse of his true self.

It took every ounce of strength within you not to openly coo at the way he soothed his canine friend, with gentle words of encouragement spilling from his plush lips like a steady stream of water. If you’d been blind, you might have even been led to assume he was speaking to a fellow human.

Jimin, he’d revealed as his name. He was so lost in his worry for Mandu you didn’t think he’d even retained memory of your own name when you’d given it, but in the end it didn’t matter. You now had a literal date planned where you could talk and get to know him even more! How you’d managed to force the bold question out, you’ll never know, but hey at least one of your spontaneous and stupid decisions had to go well once in a while, right?

You sink into your couch, a fluffy white cat curled up on your lap as you relive the memories from the day. The relaxing sounds of purring surround you as you massage your fingers into your cat’s thick neck fur.

“Oh Ghostie, what the heck am I gonna do?”

Right now you can only think back to the way his hair was a bit of a jumbled mess, evidently damp and sticking out in all directions cutely. The addicting scent of his body-wash, if the rushed situation and flushed complexion was anything to go by, and aftershave. The man had those butterflies swooping around in your stomach already, and you barely knew him.

Your cat growls in protest when you let out a tiny squeal and make a harsh grab for a couch cushion, effectively burying your face deep into it in pure unadulterated embarrassment and disbelief. After living life being perfectly happy and single, why was this one somewhat decent-looking man sweeping you off your feet?

And sweep you off your feet he would, because when you finally show up to meet him at the dog park on Saturday, you’re being harshly barked at and sent flying to the ground before you can even process what’s happened. The dull ache from the force of impact fades quickly, and you try to regain your bearings before anything worse can happen.

“Fuck, sorry!”

The sight of your freshly washed jeans, now sporting a lovely scuff, causes you to cringe slightly. You shake your head and lock eyes with the pointy-eared dog standing over your body. It strikes you as bizarre, seeing as Mandu’s not exactly attacking you, but he’s not all that happy to see you either. You’re locked into a stand-off, despite you currently being knocked onto your ass with your heart still racing.

“Get off her!” comes Jimin’s outraged yell, his eyes are wide in sheer disbelief and disappointment. You can’t help but laugh softly at his exasperation, the shock of the fall now trickling away at the sight of the familiar face, or rather faces.

“I’m sorry (Y/n), I honestly don’t know what came over him. We were waiting by the pond and he just … took off when you came around!”

You stand and brush your clothes off, feeling your cheeks burn at the fact that he had actually remembered your name from the clinic the other day. You try to tell him it’s fine, but he still scolds the now sheepish looking dog at his feet – albeit as gently as possible through his vexation.

“I couldn’t leave him at home,” Jimin starts, sighing and clipping a leash to the dog’s collar pointedly. “Told him to behave himself but yeah, that didn’t go down well.” He regards you with concerned eyes, and you feel your heart melt at how he tries to subtly check you over for any injuries.

“I’m fine, Jimin, trust me. Working at the clinic means I’ve had my fair share of body-slams. Don’t sweat it.” You wave your hands before squatting, lowering yourself to be face-to-face with Mandu who still seemed to be eyeing you warily.

You understood it. Here you were, nothing more than a stranger, trying to take his owner and favourite person in the world away from him. You had to somehow convince Mandu that you weren’t a threat to their little family of two.

“Hey, buddy. Remember me?” You slowly reach out a hand to pat the top of the dog’s furry head, eager to earn his trust. “I’m not gonna hurt either of you, promise.”

You miss the way something flickers in Jimin’s eyes after hearing you say that. A glazed look of predictability, of cold hard doubt … but it’s gone when you rise to your feet once more. The dog seems to have accepted you for now, averting his eyes from the direct and intimidating glare he’d had trained on you ever since he’d pinned you down.

“Shall we, then?” You find yourself saying, self-confidence shocking you both as you smile and lead the way out of the park and towards the middle of town.

It doesn’t take long to find a nice café to sit at, and it’s with reluctance that Jimin leaves Mandu tied up outside. However, he knows he has to tone down his attachment in view of the public eye, and you especially. He doesn’t know just how far you’re willing to go for him.

He was a closed iron door to the world, yet he was still somewhat intrigued to see your efforts in getting inside. There was no way he was going let it happen, not again, but … why was he here then?

After ordering the coffees, him taking his black after years of late nights on patrol and you filling yours with sugar, you both surprisingly hit it off well. You suppose that after noticing how heavily you could relate to him, and vice versa, it was easy to understand one another and fall into steady conversation.

“The police force, huh.” You sip at your drink with a drawn-out hum of confirmation. “I actually kinda guessed that.”

Jimin blinks in shock. “You did?”

“Yeah! I mean I’ve seen Mandu a handful of times now, and it’s in the way he’s thoroughly trained to listen to your every command, not to mention the way he moves. When I gave him the check-up at the clinic, I forgot to mention that I just assumed your occupation when I said ‘active lifestyle’ back then.”

There is no way you’re going to tell him that you’d also made that assumption based on the man’s incredible build and well-toned muscles as well. Best to keep your thoughts on the dog, and luckily for you Jimin turns his head to check on his companion resting outside by a bowl of water, allowing your eyes to roam freely for a decent second or so.

“Well, you’re more observant than I thought,” Jimin notes through a breathy laugh, fingers lightly tapping at his coffee mug in thoughtful contemplation. You can’t help getting lost in the sight of him yet again.

He’s an absolute vision right now even if he’s dressed casually, only foregoing the shorts and joggers for simple black jeans and flatform sandals. His hair looks as soft as ever, and though his eyes are still open windows that show he’s hurting inside, you can’t help finding the immense beauty behind the pain.

There’s a short, comfortable silence as you both nurse your mugs of caffeine, but you break it in fear of letting an awkward air settle in. Damn, you do love being a little socially inept sometimes.

“Why the name Mandu?” You think it’s an innocent question, but unbeknownst to you, Jimin’s thoughts spiral at the reminder. The memories and origins of his boy’s name that uncomfortably sting at his heart like nettles.

“Ah, it was my brother who named him … actually,” he reveals, wondering if the slight crack of his voice is noticeable as he smiles convincingly. If you see through him, you don’t show it. Instead, you register the hint ever so slightly and aim to avoid prying.

“You would’ve only had him for a few years, right?”

“I served for five, so yeah he’s only been mine for a few years, but I did meet him before that while we were both in training.” Jimin laughs at what seems to be a fond memory, pushing the other ones to the back of his mind for now. “I was a little obnoxious about it back then, because I had to be with him. I demanded it to the chief and everything, if I wasn’t getting Mandu then I would drop my application because we’d bonded so well.”

You giggle, and cough lightly to hide your embarrassment instantly afterwards. “I love that, it’s quite obvious to me that you two are meant for each other.”

“What about you? Got any pets?” he asks, eyes alight with a newfound interest. Catching the way he leans forward in his seat ever so slightly; you feel a familiar warmth bloom in your chest. Jimin was finally relaxing around you.

“Yeah, a cat.” You cover your mouth with one hand to suppress your amusement, waiting for Jimin to scoff at you or screw his face up in disgust, but he doesn’t. Rather, he looks upwards in thought and then shakes his head while chuckling meaningfully. “Mandu would hate you for saying that.”

“Not a fan?”

“Absolutely not. I’m impartial though.” He watches you over the rim of his mug when he lifts it, an amused glimmer in his eye.

“Good to know. Good to know.” Your eyebrows shoot up and you can’t wipe the grin from your face, absent-mindedly stirring your coffee with your spoon. It wouldn’t be long before the drinks were finished, but you didn’t want this moment in time to end.

The two of you chat for another half hour or so, but you can’t help noticing the distant look that surfaces in Jimin’s gaze whenever he brings up old memories of his family or brother. Your curiosity burns at this point, and you feel yourself wanting to get to know him so much more. He’s such an enigma to you. Watching the way he tries to let go and be himself, unapologetically, but holding back just as you catch an addictive glimpse of what that might be.

As you exchange more stories and memories, you can’t help but feel yourself digging a little deeper to uncover what’s tearing him down so hard. “You keep mentioning your brother, I’m guessing you guys are close?”

And ah, now you’ve done it. It hurts to see the guarded expression slam back down on Jimin’s features, but you knew it had to be done. You didn’t know if it were just you who could see it, but by repressing all his memories and feelings, Jimin was doing more harm than good to himself. Some internal part of you wanted to help him, because you knew exactly what it was like.

Though you weren’t expecting every dam to break just yet.

It takes a moment for Jimin to deliberate on his next words, but you wait out every second with him, patient and understanding. He notices this and decides that it’s alright for him to indulge just this once, to let someone in for just a single moment. “Not really, well … used to be. He, uh, he left town a while ago.”

Left?

You keep your tone quiet, not wanting to scare him away because he did seem like the type to take off at any given moment. “Sorry to hear that,” you murmur.

“It’s alright,” he says, wondering just how much he should give away. It’s the first time he’s met up and gone out with someone he’d consider a ‘friend’ of sorts in ages, so he’s not sure how much he should be disclosing right now, but something about you makes him want to let it all go. It scares him like nothing else.

“Honestly it hasn’t been … a great time for me since he left. Y’know, he was the only one that ever stayed, and things were tough being in the force and everything,” he offers through a dry laugh.

You want to reach out for his hand on the café table so badly, but it’s too soon to be that close. He’s testing the waters right now, showing you a vulnerable side that you can easily tell he doesn’t let out very often. It warms your heart, and all these broken feelings he’s showing you make everything feel so real. You can’t help but want to give yourself back to him.

“I can’t imagine it would’ve been easy. I know how it feels, actually.” You mentally prepare yourself to revisit a time you usually laid to rest, keeping the gentle smile on your face because even though these subjects were touchy and very meaningful to the two of you, you’d actually come to terms with yours years and years ago. Learned how to turn that pain and suffering into progress, self-growth.

“You do?” You can tell the sheer hope and relief in his tone doesn’t quite match the caution in his eyes, as if he doesn’t want to think that someone as bright and bubbly as you can ever have as many problems as he does, but you shut that train of thought down for him.

“Yeah, I … don’t have any family left either.”

He wants to know how, why, but he pulls himself back from the question almost instantly. Still, you can see it all on his features. He’s an open book for you to read.

“It’s okay Jimin, I came to terms with it a while back. I’m an only child, but my parents died when I was a teen.”

It hits him like a freight train then. The realisation that yes, of course there are other people in the world who have lost just like he has. The sad but forgiving look in your eyes just about breaks him. He’s been so self-centred the whole time, not even thinking that maybe you’re sitting across from him going through a life just as lonely as his own.

“I don’t know what to say.” To your shock, it’s him that reaches across the table to grasp your hand gently, and you hadn’t even realised it was shaking slightly until he’d steadied it with his own. There were no hidden intentions in his gaze, just a pained understanding. You’d both needed to simply tell someone.

“I promise I’m fine now. It was years ago. I don’t even know why I’m…”

You trail off with a shaky laugh, tightening your grip on his hand slightly in fear that he would let go of you. You were essentially strangers, but you’d both needed this. You needed someone to listen as you talked, to have that visceral sense for the pain rather than simply try sympathising with it. It was different when you knew the feeling.

After the sudden serious note of the conversation had passed, both you and Jimin felt a little weight taken off your shoulders. You’d both torn some walls down today, and that in itself was enough to garner bucketloads of respect and admiration on both accounts.

You part ways back at the park, a new kind of friendship blossoming that, if you were being honest, neither of you had seen coming.

~

A couple of months pass after that, and in between his regular walks and visits to the clinic, Jimin finds himself spending more and more time in your presence. He even jokes around with Mandu that he should walk just a tad more lamely so he can stay a little longer between check-ups. But at the end of the day he knows he truly wants his boy to get better.

The first time he steps foot inside your house, he’s instantly halted in his tracks by the fluffiest white cat he’s ever seen. After hearing you mention, ‘she hates strangers’, and ‘she’ll probably cuss you out straight away’, it comes as a surprise to both of you when Ghost wraps herself around Jimin’s leg and purrs needily. A louder purr than you’ve ever received in your whole ten years of being her owner.

“Stop whoring yourself out! He’s just here to pick up some worming tablets,” you tut in disapproval, earning a hearty laugh from Jimin at the snappy tone. Ghost narrows her green eyes at you and rubs her chin along Jimin’s pant leg one more time for good measure, proceeding to saunter into the kitchen utterly oozing with sass.

After a few more random visits, you stop beating around the bush and begin inviting Jimin over to either chill out or have dinner. Obviously, more often than not it turned out to be both.

You’d order something in and then joke about how unhealthy you were for being too lazy to cook. Jimin even gets so exasperated sometimes that he carts food over from his own home to cook up in your kitchen, funnily enough. It wasn’t your fault you never really had the time to teach yourself during your unrelenting years of university and work, and it wasn’t as if you had a parent around to help you learn as a child.

Jesus, way to be depressing.

It wasn’t uncommon for you and Jimin to find random spots of humour within your combined trauma and abandonment issues either, as unhealthy as that sounds.

You always figured that life was too short to be sad all the time anyway, and even though that ideology alarmed your newfound friend at first, he soon slowly began to see the appeal. He was kind of over being sad, honestly.

He remembers standing by the coffin at Hoseok’s funeral, the very same fateful day he’d encountered you at the clinic for the first time. He’d felt overwhelmed at the emotions threatening to pull him apart at the seams, but at the same time, he’d felt cold at the lack thereof.

That was the result of letting himself get close to someone again, even through work of all places. His partner with the sunny disposition and heart-shaped smile? Gone from this world in a single click of a finger. It was too easy, too much of a risk to get closer. Jimin remembers not even being able to bring himself to cry back then, but things are starting to change now that you’re in the picture.

He still has that lingering dread that you’ll leave him too, but try as he might to keep you at arm’s length, he simply can’t. You bring out the best in him, and you make him want to try harder, to try being better. In a sense, you’re like another Mandu to him. He can’t just ignore that.

He tells you about Hoseok one night, just because it comes up in conversation and he’s already rambling on before he can stop himself. He looks up at your crestfallen face, knowing your heart hurts for him even though he’s unable to muster the correct emotions, all thanks to the disconnection he’s forged from his dead colleague already.

He recalls severing himself from those feelings right as he died, and again when he stood by his body at the funeral, but then you went and somehow reconstructed that bridge without him knowing.

“You know it’s okay to miss people, Jim. To remember them for who they were, and what they meant to you. It’s okay to miss them because they’re gone.”

He cries in your arms until 1 a.m. that night.

After a while, he begins to let people see the true him, fed up with hiding and done with shutting the world out. He returns smiles directed his way in the street, he ventures out to do nothing but simply stop and smell the roses. It’s refreshing, and it’s as if he can barely remember what it feels like after years of being chained down by depression and self-loathing.

You did that, with your calming presence, your affirming words, your genuine care. He’ll never forget it.

And slowly but surely, Mandu begins to warm up to you as well.

“I swear he’s only squaring up just to show off or something,” Jimin snorts as he walks beside you on the concrete path, Mandu in tow on a leash now that you’re leaving the park.

“He’s asserting dominance.” You cast a glance behind you to see the dog glaring you down, just as usual.

‘Why the hell are you walking next to him when I’m supposed to be there? You’re just a lowly human who doesn’t deserve my dad’s time or attention. How dare you!’

You bite back a laugh when you imagine the thoughts running through Mandu’s head, and he sniffs and growls at the sight of you not taking him seriously. He’s a big bad wolf, fear him goddammit.

“I’m sure he’ll accept me into the pack one day,” you respond good-naturedly, earning an eye-roll from Jimin as he shoots a pointed look of warning towards his boy once more. He can’t help but feel tingles erupt across his skin hearing ‘the pack’ come from your mouth. You make it sound like an actual family, and for some reason he seems to crave exactly that. That’s what all of you are to Jimin, a little family.

“Sure, but good luck convincing him to accept Ghost. I’m sure he’ll be walking around with a ‘NO CATS ALLOWED’ sign hanging from his neck soon enough.”

The dog agrees.

The next day is when Mandu’s last check-up is scheduled, and you wait by the front desk nervously as Jimin discusses options with Dr. Kim in the next room over. It’s been several weeks since the dog’s initial diagnosis, and he’s had a slight improvement, but it isn’t enough.

You and Jimin have spoken about how worried he is regarding the dog’s rapid muscle loss, and your heart always constricts at the sight as well. There’s only so much medication you can give.

You already know that Jimin’s current status of unemployment means he probably doesn’t have the means to fund more than one surgery, that is if he wants to remain financially stable. You’d need another plan.

“Hydrotherapy?” Jimin squawks. He’s a picture of confusion right now, one eyebrow cocked and pretty lips parting in surprise. You can’t help laughing at his dumbfounded expression.

“Yes, Jiminie. Dr. Kim has asked me to explain it to you so we can work out when to schedule it. Basically, dogs with chronic arthritis need to be able to exercise their joints and muscles without the excess strain, so regular swimming sessions are perfect.”

“It’ll help him get stronger?”

“Exactly, and since he’s up to date on his vaccinations we can organise a session right away, if you’d like?”

Jimin can’t suppress a shit-eating grin at the formal tone you’re using with him. He’s so used to messing around with you and having general chatter that the sudden switch to your ‘customer’ voice, as he calls it, is now more amusing to him than ever. You grumble under your breath, knowing all too well that he’s making fun of you without actually saying it.

“Fine, when can we start then? I’ve only ever seen him swim once, and it didn’t go well for the bad guy,” Jimin acquiesces, lifting his brows once and smirking at you mischievously. You ignore him.

“That’s alright Sir, we can start this Thursday.” You smile in such a pretentious and artificial way that Jimin has to smother his offended gasp. Now you’re just being rude.

“Pretending not to know who I am? Damn, guess I’ll just throw that strawberry shortcake I bought in the bin when I get home…”

And he’s got you. Your eyes light up and your fingers curl into fists on the desktop. You swallow thickly at the thought of him eating one of your favourite desserts on his own, or even worse throw it out like the heathen he is, but you’re determined not to cave in.

“I’m sorry Sir, I don’t quite follow. Your unhealthy affairs have little importance to me.”

You’re putting up a fight this time around, and Jimin’s willing to play. He leans on the desk with his elbow, the suave and impish air he suddenly exudes makes you nervous on the other side of the marble structure. “In that case, can we make this quick? I gotta rush home and catch up on the last two episodes of ‘Anohana’.”

This time you can’t contain your sharp inhale. “You promised we’d watch that together.”

Jimin chuckles with glee, taking the easy victory with a cocky lick of his lips. You trail the movement with your eyes before glaring at him again. “I don’t even care, you’d better not.”

He enjoys riling you up way too much. “Or what?”

“I’ll literally bust down your door at 2 a.m. in the morning Park, don’t test me.”

He knows you’re only joking around, but hearing his last name uttered in such a grave manner shifts something within him. He’s suddenly transported back to the chief’s office, hands wringing together in unease. “Park, is this about yesterday?”

“Park! He ran over there, follow me quick!”

“Jung wait…”

He has to shake his head, the smattering of memories and thoughts filtering from his mind slower than he’d like. He needs to drown out the sound of the echoing gunshot with something else, something louder.

You’re watching him the entire time with an apologetic gaze, picking up the miniscule signs that tell you he’s had something from the past triggered and brought back up unwillingly. You don’t even know what it is that you said, but you stay quiet and allow him to regain his composure.

“You okay Jiminie?”

“Yeah, sorry. Just thought of something,” he hums, not bothering to try and pretend as if nothing happened. You both knew each other too well at this point, and you understood him enough to have learned it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Sometimes these things just happened.

“Thursday sounds great, (Y/n).”

“Of course, I’ll lock it in. How does catching those last few episodes tonight sound? We can ugly cry and eat ice-cream like the cliché we are,” you say with an enthusiastic clap of your hands, and Jimin smiles tenderly. You always have a sense for what he needs.

He inwardly thanks the heavens for your existence, because now he won’t be alone in the silence of his home, with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company. Even Mandu couldn’t help him sometimes.

“Lovely. It sounds lovely.”

You’ve changed him, and he wants to spend the rest of his life telling you just how thankful he is.

So when his phone rings one late night and he sees your name light up on the screen, he doesn’t hesitate to pick it up, even though his past self would have lethargically thrown it to the side while shrinking away from any kind of human interaction that wasn’t necessary.

“Hey,” he mumbles, eyes still squeezed shut from sleep.

Silence.

He’s startled into a more wakeful state by Mandu lifting his head suddenly from his lap, the attentive canine’s ears twitching as he bores holes into the phone in Jimin’s hand. Now worrying, Jimin says your name into the phone twice, eyes scanning the way his dog seems to be picking up whatever tiny sounds are coming from the speaker.

There’s a sniffle, and a tiny hiccup. “Jimin … I’m sorry. Can you come over right now?”

Anxiety flares up like some kind of wildfire within him, and Jimin’s rocketing from the bed before he can take the time to stop, breathe and think. Mandu follows, a bark of alarm leaving him as he dances around Jimin’s bare feet in excitement. He gets that the dog doesn’t know any better, but from the sound of your sobbing on the other side of the line, anyone could tell that something had gone terribly wrong.

He needs to be by your side now.

“Mandu stay,” he orders, not caring to use any proper commands due to the way his hands are shaking. His heart is hammering against his ribcage, just as it had way back when he’d rushed Mandu to the vet for a simple arthritis problem. Now, his next favourite being in the world was the source of his panic.

He’s thrown on whatever clothes he can find and tries to ignore Mandu’s flurry of whines and howls from inside the house once he’s settled in the car. You’re still on the phone, but he can barely get a word in when you’re crying and blubbering nonsense like you currently are. The most Jimin can do as he drives is what he would need in the stark moments of a mental breakdown, gentle words of encouragement and … a song.

He hates himself for it, but he remembers the lullaby his brother used to sing for him whenever he cried, and he hopes to dear God that he can calm you down with his voice just as Taehyung had when they were younger. The soothing notes fall from his lips, and the memories they bring hurt so much that he can feel himself choking up, but he tells himself that you matter more.

He pulls up to your house ten minutes later, your crying thankfully reduced to a collection of whimpers and sniffles. He doesn’t dare hang up, but barges through the front door without a single second of hesitation. He briefly glimpses the flash of a white fluffy tail disappearing down the hallway, the cat obviously scared out of its mind from the recent events.

Then he sees you curled up in the kitchen, and he just wants to make everything stop.

You’ve got your head in between your knees, tears falling freely from your cheeks as you cradle one arm in your other. Jimin notices with a jolt of shock that the arm you’re holding is all red and blotchy, and it’s clear to him that you must’ve burned yourself somehow.

He rushes to your side and holds you as carefully as he can, almost slipping on the pool of water and charred remnants of baking paper scattered on the tiled floor just beside you. “What happened?” he urges after trying to soothe your trembling form for ten minutes.

He has you on your feet now, arm in the sink as he runs icy cold water over the heated skin as gently as he can. He’s clumsier than you though, so even as he tries to handle your limbs with as much care as you’d once handled Mandu at the clinic, you still wince in pain every now and again. Guilt shoots through Jimin every time, but he knows you’ll forgive him.

You don’t speak until your arm is sufficiently treated and wrapped, thanks to Jimin’s courses in first aid that he can barely remember at this point, but it serves him well enough for now. Your eyes are downcast, and your lips are cracked from all the grief you’d caused them with your teeth. He waits for you to get it together.

“I’m … I’m sorry you had to come all this way-”

“Don’t say that, I’m so glad you called me (Y/n),” he cuts you off, leading you to the plush couch in the living room and sitting you down firmly. He kneels in front of your figure, now wrapped tightly in a blanket for security and comfort, and rests both of his hands on your upper arms.

“You need to tell me what happened, do you feel alright now?”

You nod your head, but he fixes you with strong disbelieving eyes and boom you’re weakened, shaking your head with a sigh. “No, I’m not.”

“How can I help? I’m not great at it, but I really want to help you,” he says earnestly, fingers pressing circles into your arms and calming you down enough to breathe evenly. Your lips twitch up into a nervous smile.

“That song you sang over the phone helped a lot, actually. I don’t know why.”

Hearing that causes Jimin to undergo a whirlwind of conflicted emotions, but he once again tells himself that you’re the only one that matters right now. He starts to sing again but you reach forward to ruffle his messy hair with a chuckle. “It’s okay, I’m just letting you know.”

Thank God, he thinks. Then again, maybe if he uses the melody and lyrics for good, those negative associations could be turned into positive ones. Maybe it was time to make the song his own.

He sees you struggling to think of where to begin and shifts to take a seat next to you with a smile. “Just start with what happened, yeah?”

“Okay.” You nod, combing back your hair with your fingers and wiping the last salty tears from your skin. “So I wanted to try baking something…”

You eye him with a glimmer of amusement in your gaze, and he instantly capitalises on it. “Well there’s your first mistake.”

You playfully wack him, feeling your spirits lift at the sound of his laugh and the sight of his crescent moon-shaped eyes. He really was your light in the dark right now.

“It was going well, actually, but then I heard Ghostie knock something over in my room and I went to check for … not even two seconds.”

Jimin knows that this is where it gets serious, your eyes glaze over again and he can see the recollection of the events flashing through your mind like a reel of film. “I left the baking paper out, and the space was way too messy, I-I definitely should’ve kept it cleaner. I came back and there were some things on fire, but nothing too bad. I just…”

You bend down to rest your face into your hands once more, and Jimin quietly rubs your back in concern. By the looks of it, you were able to put the fire out easily, so what exactly prompted you to break down like that?

You lift your head and keep your shaky hands clamped together by your lips, eyes stricken and weary from the onslaught of emotional stress. “There’s something I haven’t told you yet Jiminie, I would never hide anything from you, so I guess it just never came up. It’s … why I kind of lost the plot after throwing water over the entire kitchen like a lunatic.”

“You can tell me,” he soothes, brows furrowing in distress.

“It’s my parents. How they died….”

His throat tightens with apprehension at the topic, knowing it’s something you definitely avoid talking about whenever it comes up. It was always buried so deep, and Jimin can’t recall ever asking you about the finer details of what you went through.

He feels time slow to a halt as you utter your next words. “They died in a house fire when I was fourteen. Burned to death.”

Oh fuck. Fuck.

It falls into place now, and Jimin snaps out of his daze when he feels your shoulder shudder underneath the palm of his hand. He’s at a loss for words, the sight of how truly upset you are making his heart sink in sorrow.

He scoots over on the couch to hold you close and whisper soft calming words. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You’re alright, I’m here now.”

You know he has no idea how much it means to you, just hearing those simple words when the anxiety and fear continue to claw at your throat like hellish nails. You’re caught in its grip, the flashing images of flames and the sounds and smells of screeching, burning, crumbling to dust. It surrounds you, and you choke on the tendrils of smoke as if they’re really there, filling your lungs like a heavy sand. It stings, and it’s excruciating.

“Maybe I’d fare a little better … if I’d just stayed somewhere else that night,” you can’t help whimpering out, the memories resurfacing too quickly for you to have control over them.

“You were there?” Jimin reels. Hearing that you’d witnessed your own parent’s death was nothing short of devastating. That was way too much for a young mind to handle, surely. Could the world really be that cruel to one of, if not the most amazing person he’s ever met? He can’t help but cry for you in this moment, trying his best to stay silent as his tears soak into your shirt.

You both stay locked together for another hour or so, Jimin listening intently as you explain the story to him of what happened that night. It’s agonising to relive it, but you know he needs to hear it from you. There’s nowhere else he can hear it from, really.

“Y’know, working in the force meant I had to handle situations like that a few times. It was rare, but it did happen. I’ve seen the faces of the families; I’ve seen the damage it can cause. I just wish you hadn’t been alone, fuck,” he mumbles, hating that he can’t just go back and fix what’s unfixable.

You wave him off. “Jimin, you’ve done more for me tonight than … literally anyone’s ever done for me. Truly, I love you for that.”

His heart leaps in his chest.

“I don’t relapse too often,” you carry on shakily, “it’s just that the sight of a fire that’s out of control just … it just terrifies me so much. I see their faces in the flames.”

It’s so fucking messed up. He feels his entire being shiver in discomfort at the image you’re painting for him, but he only holds you closer. He wants to chase it all away, even though deep down he knows he can’t. All he can do is be here for you, with you when you need it most.

“That’s why I went into vet science,” you say, eyes growing brighter the longer Jimin embraces you. It’s like he’s physically holding you together, and it’s so very safe in his arms. “I had to come to terms with death as a concept, like properly. I wanted to save those who didn’t deserve it just yet, those who deserve to live longer lives just like they did. It’s my life’s purpose.”

Jimin comes to the realisation, right then and there, that he probably loves you.

You are, without a doubt in his mind, the strongest and most remarkable person he’s ever met. He wants to be around you all the time, wants to share your energy, wants to be half as amazing as you are – with every fibre of his being. It’s not like he can just say that though. Not right now, anyway.

He tucks the thought away for another time. A better one.

“What about you? Why did you want to become a police officer?” you ask, snorting once into a tissue to finally rid yourself of the snot and tears.

“Me?” Jimin chuckles. You’re always one to turn it around, never wanting the spotlight for more than needed. He fondly reaches up to run his fingers through your hair, grazing the skin of your cheek along the way and making you smile wistfully.

“Well, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why. It always comes down to justice, right? We all want to enforce that, protect those that need protecting, and saving lives as well. I’m very similar to you in that sense,” he starts, clearing his throat to lighten the atmosphere with a confident tone. You find yourself snuggling into his side, just longing to hear him talk for hours while you wrap yourself in the warmth of the blanket and his reassuring presence.

“My family left a while back, and my brother was the only one who stayed with me. Both of us had to fend for ourselves, and with me being the eldest, it was easy to fall into that father-figure kind of mould. I wanted to protect what we had, but it was pretty laughable when I was the smaller kid.” Jimin laughs, surprising not only himself, but you with the way he speaks about his past so openly and without any bitterness or animosity.

He was looking at it a different way, and he had you to thank for that.

“So I trained,” he continues. “I trained so hard and spent years proving myself. I came home to our tiny flat every night, prouder than I’d been the night before. And Tae-”

His throat tightens and he has to cut himself off, the syllables of his brother’s name dying on his tongue due to disuse. He hasn’t said it in years, and the feeling his name conjures is strange. There’s the ever-present cold hard hatred building in his chest, but in some wild and wacky way, it’s easier to move past it.

“Taehyung … he was so proud of me too.”

You lift your head from where it rests on Jimin’s chest, moving your hand to envelope his where it resides in his lap. His fingers grasp yours gently, a simple squeeze telling you that he’s alright to keep going. He’s got you so relaxed in his arms that you can almost feel yourself falling asleep, but you know you mustn’t. You have to stay awake for him right now, right when he’s opening up completely.

“Since you shared your story, I figure I have to share mine.” Jimin smiles, the expression not completely reaching his eyes. Both of you have made so much progress tonight, it’s not even funny. He knows that if he doesn’t tell you now, he most likely never will.

“We … fell in love with the same person, me and Tae. It got ugly, and we were super close until the countless fights and yelling matches tore us apart. Even after we both got over this person, we couldn’t stand each-other. We couldn’t make it through one day without a handful of painful jabs being sent back and forth. It was bad, so bad.” He takes a deep breath, and you sit up slightly to hold him closer. The positions were reversed now.

“I needed him, despite all that, I really did. He was the only one left, and I was too proud to just forget everything that’d happened to us. I got offered a place in an exchange program with a group of officers in my force, it was to Europe and it went for no longer than two weeks, but when I got back Tae was…”

“He was gone,” you finish for him when he can’t, raising your hand to wipe the singular tear cascading down his smooth cheek. Jimin sniffs and smiles at you, turning to bury his face into your hair and letting out a large, heavy exhale.

“I sold the flat after many nights of just crying and breaking down,” he mumbles softly into your head. “I still don’t know where he went, but I also didn’t want to exploit my access to citizen information to find out. I think that’s when my passion for the force started to die down, though it took years for me to finally have the guts to leave. Nothing’s fair in this godforsaken world.”

It was a harsh and negative outlook, but you found yourself agreeing to a certain extent. Here you were, the epitome of optimism and ‘bright side’ herself, wanting to watch the world burn for just a second. Just like your family had.

You cringe at your own line of thought. “It’s our job to make it better-”

“Don’t even say it (Y/n), I swear to God,” Jimin warns playfully, cupping you cheeks in both palms and squishing them until your lips open and close like a fish. His eyes sparkle with adoration, and you whine out in protest against his actions before you can get lost in them.

“I’m just saying!”

“Don’t just say! Let me be emo for once you fool.” He tackles you onto the couch, spirits steadily rising from the depressing venture into his memories. Feeling light and as unburdened as a feather, he pins you down and tickles your sides mercilessly.

You miss the warmth of his comforting hugs but can’t help shrieking in laughter as you let it happen. You’re happier seeing him happy anyway.

Before things can escalate further, a disapproving meow interrupts the two of you, and you both whip your heads to the side to see Ghost sitting in the middle of the room. Her tail twitches in annoyance, and her face seems to be screaming ‘are you lumbering idiots done yet?’.

“Wow, a whole mood-killer. Maybe we should clean up the kitchen, actually,” you suggest while trying to catch your breath, grateful for the reprieve. Jimin’s eyes flit back to meet yours, and you catch the dark look he’s giving you. He knows you’re just trying to escape him right now.

“Fine, but don’t go thinking you’re off the hook even for a second.”

~

Weeks fly by after your emotion-packed, train-wreck of a night. If anything, it only drew you and Jimin closer than ever. You now had another layer to your friendship, another reason to stick together through thick and thin.

Jimin had attended around three hydrotherapy sessions with Mandu, and to your delight, it actually seemed to be working well! The dog would definitely soon be right on track to return to his former glory, minus the slight greying around his muzzle from old age. There only seemed to be one problem though…

Mandu was shit scared of water.

Every single time, the poor canine would whine and yelp for his owner as if he were legitimately dying. You could only watch on in amused silence, pursing your lips to hold back a cackle as your best friend had to bend down at the pool’s edge in order to calm the dog down.

The staff members working at the specialist pool were understanding at least, but that didn’t stop Jimin’s cheeks from flushing with embarrassment every single time.

“Buddy please, you’ve literally chased down killers and jumped over an entire ravine before. Some water won’t kill you!”

It fell on deaf ears, and Mandu howled extra forcefully in defiance. You couldn’t hold back your snort of laughter this time, the scene of the heated argument between dog and owner way too funny to let slide. Jimin throws a betrayed look at you over his shoulder, grumbling something under his breath you can’t quite catch.

In the end, some of the more patient staff members manage to coax the shaky dog into the water, and it’s with great struggle that they finally manage to get him swimming properly. Jimin has to stay within the dog’s line of sight 24/7, even one moment away and Mandu would start thrashing about and yipping in a panic.

You laugh at Jimin the entire time as you stand back to watch, the looks he sends you in return having ‘traitor’ written all over them. If he didn’t have to stay dutifully by the poolside, you’d be in your right mind to believe he’d storm over and kick you into next week for being so bratty.

“You just need to practice. Get him used to it,” you tell him once you’re all leaving the facility, a freshly dried pooch trotting beside you with fur sticking up in all directions. You can’t help but think the dog reminds you of Jimin like this, back when he’d rushed to the clinic in all kinds of disarray.

“Used to it? Did you see him in there!?” Jimin splutters, squatting down to hold Mandu’s face sternly between his palms. The dog remains unbothered as he flashes you a side-eye for assistance.

“Yes I saw. I’m surprised police dogs don’t spend more time training in water, to be honest,” you muse thoughtfully, reaching down to ruffle Mandu’s ears in reassurance. “It’s okay baby boy, you’re not alone,” you coo, smiling when the dog’s tail wags twice in response.

“Baby b…” Jimin trails off, clearing his throat consciously after feeling heat crawl up his neck at the pet-name.

“Anyway, it’s been a few sessions and he hasn’t quite got the hang of it. Why don’t we try spending some time in the water outside of sessions too?” you suggest cheerfully.

“Where? I don’t have a pool.” Jimin cocks an incredulous brow. There’s no way any public pool in these parts would let some random dude and his dog splash around and dirty their space.

You step up and poke Jimin firmly in the chest with one finger. “Did you just never look out the back of my place?”

“You have a pool? What in the hell-”

Jimin’s mouth hangs open in outrage. Even after all this time, he really hadn’t noticed it even once? You had to be fucking with him. “No way.”

“Uhh, yes way? Dude all you had to do was look outside.” You rest your hands on your hips, definitely unimpressed right now but trying your best not to laugh at him too much. He’s already been the butt of all your jokes today. Every single one.

Jimin has to see it for himself to believe it, so the next evening he pulls up to your home with Mandu in the passenger seat. The poor baby is blissfully unaware of the fate that awaits him here, but Jimin only feels the sweet, sweet taste of revenge on his tongue at the notion. After the hell Mandu had put him through these past few weeks, it was time to get payback.

“C’mon boy,” he sniggers. An evil grin stretches across his face and figurative crimson devil horns poke out from his hair.

“How dare you take advantage of him and his inability to be human,” you drawl lazily from the now open front door, and Jimin jumps in his skin from the shock. He hadn’t even made it to the damn porch and you’d already heard him.

“He deserves the slander.”

You shake your head and lead the duo inside, instantly groaning when Ghost and Mandu begin hissing and snarling at each other like their toes have been stepped on. Your fluffy white cat has all her hackles raised in hostility, and the dog in return has his lips drawn back to reveal a row of sharp white fangs.

You’re at your wits end, and similar to the other few instances of Mandu and Ghost meeting, you stomp your foot and stand over the pair as menacingly as you can. “You two are acting like complete animals right now, calm down or you’re going into timeout!”

When the two pets actually shut up, Jimin guffaws with no restraint. You simply huff, as if expecting that your threats would work regardless, and gesture to the glass sliding door adjacent to the kitchen. “It’s out there, are you happy now?”

Jimin cranes his neck and lo and behold, there it is in all its glory. A fucking pool. And to top it all off, it’s even surrounded by a towering black metal fence and gate, as if Jimin didn’t feel stupid enough for not noticing it already.

“So who was wrong and who was right?”

“Shut up.”

The two of you get ready to begin your little ‘home brand’ hydrotherapy session, with Jimin already donning swim trunks in case he has to jump in and intervene at any point. The pool is already much deeper than he’d anticipated, considering the ones at the actual therapy centre were nice and shallow for the dogs in rehab.

You’re dressed in a similar manner, with small tight shorts and a black t-shirt that’s so long it almost hides the fact that you’re wearing pants at all. Jimin has to keep his gaze controlled from raking up the expanse of your bare legs. He wonders if you’d somehow planned to get him all hot and bothered, seeing as it was a warm Spring night that was perfect for taking a dip.

“Okay, well he already seems spooked at the sight of water. You’re going to have to get in,” you say apprehensively, eyeing the way Mandu is already shifting anxiously from paw to paw. You’re all stood beside the shallow end of the pool, the gate fastened shut in case the dog tries to make a break for it suddenly.

Jimin coaxes Mandu forward with soft words of support and praise, taking the steps one at a time. It’s obvious how much the canine is hating this, his ears are pinned flat to his head and his knees are wobbling from the fear. Your heart is shot through with pity for the animal, but he needs to get better at this.

“Here, I’ll help,” you mumble, getting to your feet and stepping into the pool behind the jittery dog. With Jimin pulling him forward by his shoulders, and you urging him onwards from behind, it doesn’t take long for him to start doggy-paddling around. You help Jimin monitor his movements, checking for any signs of discomfort but finding nothing as Mandu works to keep his snout above water.

“I think he’s less nervous because it’s just us,” Jimin comments, a wide smile on his face at seeing his boy paddle around calmly. No frantic thrashing, no barking, no outbreak of chaos as usual.

“Funny that,” you breathe out with a chuckle. The waterline comes up to around your chest at this height, and you shiver as the cool liquid brushes against the underside of your bra. “I can’t go much further, all my underwear’s gonna get wet.”

The innuendo is essentially fresh bait, and you already know you’ve set yourself up nicely just before Jimin chuckles. “Right, why don’t you just go back and take a cold shower then huh?”

“Literally fuck you.”

“I thought you didn’t want to get wet?”

You gape at his bold humour, not used to the suggestive way he’s eyeing you as he leads his innocent dog around in the pool. If you were being honest, the ideas he’s putting into your head are absolutely sinful to say the least.

“What if I do?” you scoff, and two seconds later you’re plunging deeper into the refreshing coolness of the water before Jimin can even clap back with something lewder. You’re completely submerged, and for some reason Mandu begins to panic slightly when you vanish from sight.

“Woah, it’s okay she’s not drowning,” Jimin hushes in a serious tone, making sure to support the dog’s body with both arms as the animal treads through the water with powerful kicks of his hind legs. You resurface further down, hair now completely wet and sticking to your head uncomfortably.

“Hey, he got scared for you just then,” Jimin calls out. You feel a tug on your heartstrings and swim back down to the shallower part of the pool.

“Aw, Mandu was worried for me? What happened to hating my guts for stealing Jimin?”

Jimin gives you a weird look at that. “Stealing me? Jesus, do I just exist to be passed around by you guys?”

“Maybe.” You giggle. Something about the assertive way you act has Jimin feeling hot all over, and he’s reminded yet again that it’s a quality of yours he’s come to find madly attractive.

Or maybe it’s just the fact that your basically halfway naked not even a metre away from him. He can’t even focus on the task at hand when he gets a full view of your soaked t-shirt, and how the outlines of your rounded chest are now completely visible to his watchful eyes.

He can’t help but gulp at the thoughts running through his mind. “Hey, how long has it been now? Think that’s about one session’s worth for today.”

“Right, it probably is. Good progress! I might stay out here for a bit though, it’s super hot and my air conditioner basically cracked the shits last night.”

Jimin climbs out of the pool, the hem of his shirt soaked but luckily everything above that dry as a bone. He grabs a towel and dries Mandu off, whispering praises of how well he did to swim properly today. Once he’s done, he opens the gate and lets the dog out to run around your somewhat spacious backyard. Jimin has to look away in disdain, because he knows it won’t be long before his buddy starts rolling around and making himself filthy again.

Jimin returns his gaze back to you, and he stifles a laugh when he sees you randomly floating on your back in the middle of the pool, limbs splayed out like a starfish. You look dead to the world, but honestly, he can’t blame you. It is rather hot for a Spring night.

He barely even thinks about his actions before he’s peeling the shirt from his back. His honey blonde hair becomes tousled from the movement, and he throws away the piece of clothing without batting an eyelid.

As for you, well, now you’re stressed.

Sure, you knew he was an ex-police officer. You knew he worked out daily and took care of himself unbelievably well. Sure, you were happy to just close your eyes and pretend like you weren’t ogling the heck out of him right now, but it just wasn’t happening.

He was absolutely beautiful; you could even say carved from marble and it wouldn’t be much of a stretch. It was difficult not to gawk at the smooth way his muscled arms and shoulders tapered down into a gracefully cinched waist, not to mention the nice set of washboard abs and delicious V-line that has your mouth very nearly watering. You remind yourself to ask him later what the large ‘Nevermind’ tattoo stretching along his ribcage means.

“Wow, you could have some shame.” He flashes you that shit-eating grin, but frankly, you’re just ecstatic that he seems to be so confident in his own skin. Once upon a time throughout your friendship, he would have never been this comfortable around you.

“What, am I not allowed to appreciate what you’re showing me? You could’ve easily just left the shirt on,” you complain loudly, rolling over to lay face down in the water in hopes that it would douse the heating of your rapidly burning cheeks. With your eyes and ears underwater, you only feel the ripples hit your skin as he jumps in to join you.

You lift your head and gasp for air, catching sight of him swimming towards you rapidly. “Wait, what are you doing!?” You barely get to shout before he’s picking you up and throwing you back down into the water with a tremendous splash, loud laughter booming from his chest as you scream and struggle in his grip.

“Jimin I swear-”

You cut yourself off by sweeping a massive wave of water in his direction with both arms, grinning wickedly as it smacks him straight in the face. He wipes at his eyes and shakes his head, much like a dog would, and you vaguely register Mandu’s barks of excitement from somewhere out in the yard.

“I’m getting you back for that,” Jimin grunts, and you feel your stomach squirm as he starts moving towards you again.

“No, no, no! Okay I’ll be good, leave me please!”

Your pleas are left unheard as you try to escape from his grasp, but he’s too quick and too strong to evade. Your legs kick up into the air helplessly as he dunks you again, and once you finally resurface, he’s already got you in his hold. “Stop, I can’t compete with you, you beefcake.” You purse your lips and blow a raspberry of pool spittle into his face, struggling within his arms in fear that he would start throwing you again, or even worse … tickle you.

Your loud wails and shrieks of laughter had filled the air for the past ten minutes or so, but you were obviously weaker than he was, and you both knew you were going to tire out much faster. So, to your pleasant surprise, he stops teasing you and simply holds you by the waist, high enough that your entire head and neck are above water.

“You’re absolutely ruthless,” you grumble, bringing your hands up to rest on his bare biceps for support. You marvel at the way the lean muscles flex underneath your fingers as he shifts you to be more comfortable.

It’s so very hot, and you can’t help but notice the heat licking at your abdomen the longer you stay locked in this position. Your legs wrapped around his torso, and his face is just above the line of your soaked chest. You just thank God you hadn’t chosen to wear a white shirt at this point.

“Yeah, well you’re just fun to mess with,” he finally responds after a few moments of slowly floating around the pool’s edge. You smile warmly down at him and use both your hands to comb back his dripping hair with your deft fingers. Once again, you’re stunned into silence at how attractive he truly is. Especially when he looks at you like that.

Wait, why is he looking at you like that?

His handsome eyes are dark, and lidded. He’s smirking at you just as he always does, but this time there’s something different. The air around you changes. It feels … charged.

He’s not done, shockingly, and he continues to back you up until you feel the edge of the pool press into your back ever so slightly. He then lets you down to stand on your own two feet now that it’s shallow, your toes brush the pool tiles suddenly and the feeling elicits a small jump of surprise.

He’s closer than he’s ever been, and you feel your breath hitch at the feeling of his bare chest brushing against the material of your saturated bra. His hands come up to trace the line of your waist again, and you have to remind yourself to breathe.

“Jimin,” you sigh, looking up at him through your lashes. Your hands have a mind of their own at this point, and they find themselves tracing the lines of his dripping arm muscles once more. His eyes are staring into your own, burning with a heat and a desire you know all too well.

He wants you, right now.

You immediately cave in, feeling your thighs squeeze together as he descends upon your lips. The kiss is somewhere in between sensual and ravenous, with both your lips parting almost simultaneously in pleasant surprise. He lifts one hand from your hips to tangle into the wet hair at the back of your neck, pulling you closer to him as he melds his lips together with yours.

God, you’ve pined after him for so long that you somehow forgot what the feeling was called. You moan softly into the kiss and feel his lips quirk into a smile. He immediately knows just how badly you’d been craving this, and honestly, he’s been thinking about the exact same thing for months now. You both just needed some kind of hot situation to force you together, to give you the confidence to finally take the chance.

“You don’t know how long I’ve just wanted to have you like this,” Jimin says in a low voice, pulling back to catch his breath and rest his forehead upon yours for a moment. Your heart is going absolutely crazy in your chest, and you bring both your hands up to cup his face gently.

“I’ve wanted you since we met in that damn park, can you beat that?” You hum sweetly.

His eyes widen immensely, but then soften in a warm realisation. “Okay, I think you got me there. It’s been a couple of months though. Wow, the park? Really?”

You nod, and he lifts his hand to cover yours over his cheek. His eyes are swimming with a love so deep and profound, you just want to kiss him silly. “Yeah, I mean I don’t think I fully realised it until later on. I was happy to just keep that crazy good friendship of ours, but then I knew all along I was in deep,” you say candidly.

Jimin kisses you again long and hard. “Shit, I think I’m gonna say it. I love you. God I love you so, so much.”

You could almost cry at the heartfelt confession. His smile is blindingly bright, and his eyes are positively gleaming with happiness. You realise then that they weren’t tired anymore. Perhaps they hadn’t been for a while now.

“You saved me, (Y/n). You literally brought me out of a dark place I never thought I’d get to leave.”

“Stop you’re going to make me...”

‘I’m serious,” he murmurs, lifting your face with his thumb and forefinger to catch your overwhelmed expression.

You peck his cute little nose. “I know you are, and the same goes for you! You were always there when I needed you, Jim. I love you so fucking much, it hurts.”

He laughs airily, chest feeling light and fit to burst from your requited affections. He can’t believe that for once, this cruel world had decided to give him something nice for a change. He was … actually allowed to keep you?  

At the same time, you’re positively brimming with relief and pure bliss. You jerk forward and catch him in a needy kiss mid-laugh, silencing all your nerves and disbelief as he returns it passionately. You squeak in surprise when he lifts your body – with ease, you might add, thanks to his physique – to sit up on the edge of the pool.

He continues to trail his lips along your skin as you hold him tight, and you love the way he handles you so carefully as if you’ll break in his palms if he’s somehow too rough. You simply can’t wait to see his face when you tell him you like it that way.

As he moves to your neck, you snake your arms around him and drag your nails down his back sensually, needing to feel him against you to prove that this is happening, that this is real and not some kind of dream.

“Fuck, you’re gonna be the death of me,” he groans, nibbling at the juncture of your neck and sucking harshly at the skin there. The contrast of the cool droplets of water clinging to your body as they meet his hot languid tongue has you shivering all over.

You can’t get enough of his lips, and you’re all but suddenly finding out just how skilled he actually is with his mouth. Tiny lustful whimpers fall freely from your throat as his hands move from your neck down to your breasts, and when he begins to brush his fingertips over your nipples through the shirt and bra with a broken groan, you just about lose it.

“Jimin, I want to feel you,” you choke out, pulling him as close as the edge of the pool will allow. Thankfully, it’s shallow enough on his end that he can still reach up to your face, and you instantly take advantage of your height boost to wrap your legs around his body.

You tilt his chin upwards towards you with one finger and part your lips, instantly feeling his tongue slide fervently past them into your mouth. It’s such a forward and sultry manoeuvre that you lose yourself in the pure unadulterated heat of the moment. God, you’ve never been so turned on in your life.

His hands, which had fallen to brace himself on the concrete tiles on either side of your hips, now find purchase on your bare dripping wet thighs. You can’t suppress a shudder when he digs his fingers into those too, tracing circles with his thumbs to let you know where he’s going with this.

You pull away from his irresistible lips with a gasp. “What are you..?”

He smirks, mouth all swollen from your teeth and tongue, eyes pinning you down with a dark gaze full of salacious longing. You don’t think you’ve ever seen anything hotter, until he growls, “I wanna take you right here, right now,” with a lick of his lips and downward glance of his eyes.

You’re left speechless, and before you can muster up anything to say in response, he’s hooking his arms underneath your knees and parting your shaky thighs slowly. He angles you closer to the edge of the pool, and you want nothing more than to just be under him. “Oh God. Jimin we should go inside.”

He looks like he’s about to argue, but then a flurry of wild barking and panting causes both of you to whip your heads around. There stands the source of the noise in question, all covered in grass and weeds from romping around your yard, and it bounds incessantly around the towering pool fence.

He’s watching you both excitedly and demands your undivided attention with another yap. If you had to take a wild guess as to what the dog wanted, it would be that he wishes to join in with his family’s little ‘wrestling’ match rather than being locked outside in the lonely backyard. You and Jimin exchange a look.

“Yeah, not in front of Mandu.”

“Never in front of him.”

You both grab your towels and scamper inside like two horny teenagers, very naked and afraid, but still laughing the entire way at your predicament.

Safely within your walls and locked away from the innocence of animals, you pick up where you left off beside the pool. The haphazardly tossed pieces of wet clothing and damp footprints throughout the house are soon forgotten when Jimin gets you in between your sheets. It doesn’t take long for him to have you screaming his name well into the night, and you’re sure that by the end of it, his lips and tongue have touched almost every inch of your body.

That’s not to say you didn’t have a fair go at him too, because when you wake in the morning to turn and see your hickeys scattered across his bare neck and stomach, you swear you’ve never felt more satisfied in your life. Yes, he’d proven himself to be quite a little switch in the making, and you feel positively giddy at the prospect of getting so much more time with him to find out exactly where that might lead.

He was yours and you were his. Together, you had something truly marvellous.

He turns his head with a grunt and catches you admiring his sleeping form. The resulting dazzling smile that splits his face leaves you positively breathless, just as every other aspect about him does.

“Morning,” you both mumble at the same time, and while you scrunch your face up in an endeared cringe, Jimin just laughs sweetly at the clumsiness between you. He moves over to plant the softest of kisses to your forehead, and you cuddle into his side like it’s your designated space to reside until the end of time.

In lieu of the family-shaped hole you’d been carrying with you your whole life, there now appeared a Jimin-shaped puzzle piece slotting into place.

And with that, you could ask for nothing more.

 ~

~

 Somewhere in the distant night, a young man taps his finger on the steering wheel of his car as he speeds along the eerily quiet highway.

The late hour does nothing to deter him, and he fights back the drowsiness threatening to pull him under as the road falls away beneath the tyres. He’s been driving for hours, but he persists without rest and soldiers on, full of purpose. Every time he feels a shred of doubt begin to linger in his mind, he glances over to the wrinkled photo resting on his dashboard and the initial burst of vigour returns.

He runs a hand through his long, curly black hair and eyes the photo again. The smiling faces look back at him, and he immediately wonders for the millionth time if he truly is doing the right thing here. The turn-off sign whizzes by his car window, and he realises that now is his last chance to change his mind.

He can keep living a peaceful life if he just continues straight past without looking back, but there’s no way he can do that. He can’t fail his only remaining family any longer.

He veers for the turn-off, taking a deep breath and reaching forward to brush a finger against one of the smiling faces in the roughly crinkled photo. It’s final, he’s made his decision.

I’m coming home. 

.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵  

TO BE CONTINUED

Copyright © 2020 by salade. All rights reserved.

[shinjukuspiritcommittee]

Top 20 2021

My Favorites (updated)

Hello my readers, it’s been a while since I just posted something not related to a headcanon and I am doing one right now. I just wanted to take a bit of a break to just get SOMETHING on here on my days off work. Plus I’m just trying to find my groove when it comes to writing again so hopefully this helps me just get back into the mood of making a post more often lol. I wanted to revisit this topic for a while just because we’ve had a lot more events and a lot more alts in the game were added. And I know for a fact LifeWonders reads these posts in some capacity because I have meme’d an AR into the game with my top picks from the last list I did for Christmas 2019. No I didn’t. I’m just joking around and I know LifeWonders doesn’t read this.

Anyways rather than just make up a list on the spot like last year I decided to use the Housamo Sortmaker (Link: https://club.housamo.xyz/sortmaker/ ) to try and make a list that’s more revealing to what I was thinking at the time. Since I talked about 20 characters ish last time I’m just gonna read from my 20th place to my 1st place spots and try to justify whatever I was thinking at the time. Anyways-

20: Marchosias and Susan: This one was a surprise for me if I’m being honest but I’m just gonna blame the fact on Shukou’s recent involvement with LifeWonders in the form of Live A Hero and how Ryekie and Mokdai live in my headspace rent free whenever I think about the characters in that game. Maybe we can see about getting some LAH headcanons since that’s a LifeWonders property too). So out of all the characters Shukou drew for Housamo why did I pick Marchosias? Easy, it’s been 4 years and this poor man has yet to receive a proper alt or any kind of skin for that matter and I think that it’s a crime. Sure he’s not my favorite but he’s definitely grown on me because he’s just a gentle dad kind of character and his design has grown on me over the years. I just hope he doesn’t get left behind since he has a lot of really interesting and potential things to look forward to in the future given how the main story has unfolded.

19: Shiva/Algernon: The helmet heads are together because DAI XT quickly became my favorite artist for Fire Emblem Heroes and I really just like their designs. DAI XT just knows how to draw robots, armor and muscles well. Also Chapter 11 with Shiva you can read into some interesting perspectives. I don’t want to spoil any of the untranslated content for anyone who’s waiting for the official english translation. But if you are curious Roureem has a blogspot where he posts summaries of the newly released events.

Link: https://housamosummaries.blogspot.com/

18: Cthugha: I love this goober so much. He’d constantly try to act super sentai just trying say good morning everyday. He may not be very bright but that just adds to his charm and honestly I enjoy how he always tries to play the hero in a lot of scenarios because it’s refreshing when they implement him after a bunch of heavy hitting story stuff. I’m not gonna spoil too much about it but I will say he’s more than welcome after everything Chapter 10 and 11 put the reader through.

17: Mineaki: I’ve made a post about him being one of my least favorites way back when I first started this blog and let me just say how times have changed and I’ve learned the value of not judging a book by it’s cover. I still think there’s something a bit off about Kowmei’s style for his characters, but Mineaki has definitely grown on me. He’s a caring instructor who does watch out for his students even if it’s not always in the most direct way possible. Not to get into too many spoilers he’s got a lot of intrigue around him as well and I am curious to see his role get expanded down the line.

16: Ded: Housamo is the reason I really like christmas. The Christmas stories despite following a similar structure to each other do tend to be my favorite stories. Ded himself is also just another good dad character. He’s also two guys for the price of one, so I mean… you know… you’ve got the forever ask your other dad situation. There wasn’t much thought put into this choice I just like santa as a concept because I think the outfits are cute, it’s always nice to get something for people you care about on Christmas and Ded is the perfect embodiment of both sides to Christmas.

15: Shinya: Everyone we need to manifest buff Shinya for 2021, this is not a drill. This is legitimate. We must make Taromati’s and my wish come true. To be more serious again he’s just a sweet and gentle character. He’s also drawn by my favorite Housamo artist. Their characters always just look so naturally good. I’m just surprised he hasn’t gotten much of an alt given he’s perfect material for Valentine’s day. He’s just a soft boy and I would love for him to be in more things because I just enjoy seeing him.

14: Jacob: I have to be honest Jacob is on here because every time I look at him he just gets more handsome to me. I wasn’t all that impressed with his introduction and we don’t know much about his background but I’ve just been drawn to him more and more. Maybe it’s just because he’s drawn by GomTang? I just like looking at him and I can’t help it. To speak a bit less crass he’s another gentleman kind of guy and those are always nice.

13: Shennong: Yeah I like the doc a lot. Firstly, I’m a huge sucker for big bulls and Shennong fits the bill. The white fur really adds to his appeal visually and the purple horns give off a bit of an unnatural appearance. Shen feels like someone who’s been touch starved and alone for a long time given how he acts as a character and when we actually hug him I just lost it. He always has others well being on his mind so he’s not afraid to jump in and help, or give a much needed lecture about when you need to take better care of yourself. He just comes across as very well balanced overall.

12: Heracles: I won’t lie- at first he didn’t interest me much. He looked incredibly plain when among the rest of the cast and he seemed like the typical “bait” character since the banner had Echo, Barguest, Gyumao and Snow. But after reading the translation for Valentine Time Slip I was taken aback at how much of a gentle giant he turned out to be and I just really liked his interactions with the others in that event. And honestly his special quest from that year was one of the more unique ones given the slower pace and more romantic vibe it had. After the event warmed my heart I did a complete 180 and I just knew I really liked him.

11. Yasuyori: Before I start praising him I feel I have to justify why he didn’t quite make top 10 and it will have some mild Chapter 10 spoilers. To be as vague as possible his resolution just didn’t vibe with me at the end of Chapter 10. Like it wasn’t a bad resolution and it was the right choice to make but in my opinion there really wasn’t a moment I felt was clear where he made a choice for himself. Everything just sort of happened around him and it felt like he didn’t really do much to improve his situation. To an extent I kind of see that being the idea given his origins and the story he’s based on and there is some semblance of him coming to terms with himself alongside his isolation being portrayed pretty well, but I just wasn’t satisfied with it as much as I would like to be. With that out of the way, oh my god I just want this boy to never stop smiling and I just want to give him hugs constantly please he just deserves to be happy!!! Yasuyori is a character who’s got a lot of baggage and he’s just trying to find ways to properly cope with his trauma and not repeat past mistakes and I just really like that idea. His role in Xmas 2020 (sorry I just forgot the name of that event, but its when he gets his alt) was a much better representation for his character in my eyes. I’m not gonna spoil anything like I keep saying but he isn’t one to disappoint in future appearances and I just hope this lovable lug keeps getting the support he deserves.

10: Hephaestus: A spicy way to start the latter half of the list. I just want to give this lad a hug and tell him he is worthy of love. But at the same time he is a little shit… and I love that. I can’t fully explain why I grow a paternal instinct in me seeing this grown man sob about his mother but I just do. I want to keep him safe and give him all the affection he wants. Though I am aware a lot of Hephaestus’s interest in his parental figure is… questionable. I am just gonna say I would accept his love for what it is and he just wants approval.

9. Shuten: I’ll be honest I have no proper reason for why I like Shuten so much. He’s just a cool and reliable guy. He just seems like a go with the flow kind of person most of the time and he’s a bit more direct than most of the characters which I always appreciate. Plus I have an unspoken bias for naop guys in Housamo.

8. Durga: While not number 1 on this list, I still really like Durga. She’s quirky but not to an annoying degree, she’s determined and definitely very confident in her own abilities. Her growing to be more sociable throughout her events is something I enjoy seeing because it really creates this sense of growth.

7. Kyuma: I get a lot of people don’t like Kowmei’s art but I really think we should look past it because Kyuma is one of the sweeter picks. He’s someone who just wants to prove himself for his own worth and not what David can provide, but David is part of him and it just creates the potential for a good arc. Plus this boy is unintentionally smooth and will just take your heart when possible. I honestly want to see Kyuma more in events because he’s honestly the jock that carries 3 of the 4 brain cells. He’s also the last one without an alt so I’m just hoping he gets one in 2021 because he really deserves one in my opinion. (Also fan art makes him really cute).

6. Tomte: Tomte is relatively new but honestly his event in 2019 really endeared me to him. I’m trying to be spoiler free because the best way to enjoy these stories is for yourselves but let me just say his arc in the event was really endearing to me and much more than I was expecting. His fan service is also incredibly hammy and I love it. Visually Tomte is one of my favorites, I love his multi colored hair and starlit pupils cuz it makes his otherwise more generic look have some flare. I knew I liked him out the box and when I read about him in the summaries and can’t wait to read the official translation for him. I was just very endeared.

5. Tetsuya: Tetsuya fucks. Moving on…

Jokes aside this one’s a bit simple. I have no shame in admitting I think he’s attractive and his whole resistance towards wanting a relationship is cute in a weird roundabout way. When he says no I just want it MORE. I just really like duo haired tsunderes.

4. Kengo: Kengo 3rd alt 2021. Please LifeWonders I need my favorite Summoner. He’s a bro and that’s what counts. Kengo has got your back, not afraid to rely on you, a very fun and dynamic guy. Sure he’s not that bright when it comes to making plans or any book smart, but there are times where he’s the best at being able to read the room or just understand what someone needs to hear even if it isn’t always what someone wants to hear. His bullheaded nature is actually one of his redeeming qualities because it’s nice to just not overcomplicate things and just understand what’s actually going on. Yes the early story didn’t do many favors for him but to me the events, especially the later ones, do much more work for his character. To me, at least.

3. Ashigara: Ashigara is best bear, and I will defend that stance in 2021. The main thing that draws me to Ashigara is that I can see a bit of myself in him. He gets very emotional when he gets left alone, he’s very loud when with his friends, has a tendency of speaking his mind- just someone who wears his heart on his sleeve. I also appreciate that in spite of the negative he isn’t someone who backs down when the going gets tough and in a few instances he’s able to hold his ground physically at least.

2. Wakan Tanka: Love at first sight. This ray of sunshine still persists as the number 1 husband, but number 2 character. Firstly I am a huge fan of the partial beast aesthetic. The buffalo ears and the horns  are absolutely adorable. Secondly he’s a perfect body type; he’s not too muscular but not exactly flabby. Third he is just so positive and I love that. He’s someone I admire and wanna hug.

1. Taurus Mask: The more things change the more they stay the same. I’m still a big Taurus Mask fan for all the same reasons as last time. I just… relate to this boy. He is an incredibly shy boy who uses his public persona for confidence. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but it’s like we’re soul bros!

So yeah, my tastes haven’t changed in a year and a half.

[wherevermyway]

step out! do what you want (chapter seven)

pairings: reader/bang chan, reader/han jisung side pairings: 
established changbin/minho, reader/bang chan/han jisung, possible bang chan/han jisung rating: explicit | 18+ warnings: graphic descriptions of violence, near-death experiences, discussion of death, drug usage to cope with emotions, profanity, discussion of pregnancy, drug dealer!au, organized crime!au. also: FEELINGS. word count: about 5,480 also can be found on my AO3 here! chapter/series navigation

chapter seven: before it breaks in half and then we bend it back again

recommended tracks: I’ll be your reason by illenium, in your arms by illenium, everything I wanted by billie eilish, when I was older by billie eilish, back to u by slander and william black, hope world by j-hope, slow dancing in the dark by joji, everything in its right place by radiohead, moon by krrum. playlist can be found here!

note: dunno about y’all but i'm still really upset over chapter six, so i’m sorry if you are too :’) there’s a lot of feelings regarding the death that I’m trying to wrap up in this chapter. couldn’t really make traditional Korean rites work the way they’re generally presented, so if the inaccuracy bothers you, I’m sorry! also I was a little baked writing some of these parts so if it’s too existential, my bad lol.

disclaimer: any reference to persons in this work of fiction are purely coincidental. the characters referenced from Stray Kids are interpretations loosely based on their personalities in the group and do not represent the real people behind the personas. if this, or any of the content included in the warnings above make you uncomfortable, please stop reading now.

side note: for the love of minho’s cats, don’t mix party drugs or drugs with alcohol.

There was one time, when you were seven years old, your mother had taken you down to Fukuoka to visit your grandparents. You were close to the harbour, slipping out of her vision for just a moment when the waves pulled up on the coast and sucked you in. The warmth that took over your body as you fell out of consciousness was welcoming, like receiving the deepest hug of your life. It had taken over you, from the tips of your toes and dissipating with a tingle in your forehead.

When you were pulled from the water, brought back from the entrance of purgatory, however, you felt miserable. You could have sworn you felt the oxygen enter every cell in your body, coming back from death. Everything ached and burned, abruptly springing back to life.

Your eyes ripped open, staring into the clouds above you. White flower petals were gusting along with the wind. The burning you felt in your chest and your arms was familiar to the time you experienced as a child: jarring, making you start to panic. It felt as though lava was coursing through your veins.

“- is too elevated, I can’t -“ a familiar voice travels around your head. You know the voice, but you can’t place exactly who it is. “- sats are - “ the voice cuts out as you notice someone stab your wrist with a branding iron, hot fluid burning its way up your arm. The voice says your name, it echoing around in the space between your ears for a minute. “ - alright, but it’s going to -“

The darkness envelopes you in an instant, drawing you back to the empty space in your head, where you’re not sure consciousness really exists. “You don’t want to be here,” a familiar voice whispers from in front of you. You’re unable to picture the shape that’s clouding your vision, still lost in trying to place the voice.

“Trust me,” the voice says again. You’re about to open your mouth to say something, but you find it impossible to get your muscles to move. “You don’t want to be here. Go back.”

You can’t help but think why you’re here, how you’re here. “I need you to trust me,” the voice says again, getting further and further away from you. “It’s not your time yet.”

Your eyes tear open again, and you’re now in a sterile, white room, the sound of machines humming and trilling in the background. Two weights pull you down on either side of you: Jisung and Christopher, each holding one of your hands, resting at your sides.

You make a pointed effort to shift your shoulders, muscles adjusting for what feels like the first time in ages. A deep, throaty groan comes up from your lungs as you shift, and it startles Jisung awake.

“Oh my god,” he sleepily breathes out, shaking his head as he grabs your face, “Bunny, you’re back, oh my god!” Christopher starts to shift, and Jisung slaps his shoulder a couple of times. “Chan, wake up! She’s back!”

Christopher wastes no time shaking himself awake, grabbing your shoulders and pulling you into him.

“Ow, ow, ow,” you grumble, unable to really express the burning sensation taking over your body. “Hurts, that hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Christopher gasps, releasing you from his grip. He stares at you with a look of disbelief and exhaustion painted over his face. “You’re finally back.”

“What are you talking about?” You shake your head, somehow pulling your arm out of invisible cement and gripping your hair. “What happened? Where am I?” Christopher and Jisung look at each other, Jisung making an effort to bite his lip and look back down to the bed.

“It’s been a month, baby.” Christopher interlaces his fingers in yours, reaching his free hand up to your face. “You’ve been out for a month and we had no idea if you were even going to come back.”

It had been a week exactly since Changbin took a bullet for you. Minho spent a lot of time on the couch, staring out the window and clearly contemplating life. He looked like he lost a couple of kilograms in just a few days, his cheeks sunken in and his face an ashy grey.  Felix came over a few times to try and get him to take care of himself, hooking him up to IV fluids every other day.

Minho would end up yelling at him every time he was hooked up to the IV. “I just want you to put me out and leave me alone,” he said, tossing a fistful of plastic packaging at his junior. “I’m tired of fucking dealing with this. Just keep me out until the funeral, alright?”

Felix would sigh under his breath, eventually pushing a couple vials of liquid into Minho’s IV, causing him to collapse within himself in seconds. “I can’t keep doing this to him, hyung.” Felix looked up at Christopher, his eyes clearly drained of energy and emotion. “It’s not ethical, for one, but it’s mostly not fair to Lee-hyung. He’s got to address this at some point. You know that.”

Christopher leans up against the wall, sighing heavily. “I know,” he whispered, “I’m thankful for all of the work you’ve been doing with him, though, Felix. You’re an asset to us.”

Felix dips his head in appreciation, but clearly still has something on his mind. “Hyung,” he presses, but Christopher waves his hand in the air.

“I know,” he says, walking to Felix and leaning down in front of him. “You’re absolutely correct. I need him at his best before I can figure out what to do with the family. It’s out of respect to Changbin; Minho knew the organization best after him, just because of his proximity. Once I can get that information from him, I’ll know how to handle this. All of this.”

Jisung shifts uncomfortably on the couch next to you, biting his lip. “Do you know what we’re doing with Hyunjin?”

Christopher opens his mouth to speak, but he interrupts himself before he says anything. Felix chimes in for him, however, “Seungmin has been handling him during the day. We got the location of a couple Triad hotspots in Seoul and Busan, but he didn’t know as much as we had hoped. He’s been really broken up over Seo-hyung, so he’s not talking much.”

Christopher rolls his eyes, scoffing. “I can’t believe the nerve of this bastard.” Felix nods, peeling off the nitrile gloves from his hands.

“I’ve got the propofol, I just need you to give the word,” the bleach-blond man says under his breath. You’re not sure if he’s serious, but the look that Christopher gives Felix as he says that makes your blood run cold.

“You’re too eager,” he simply says. “Hyunjin may have royally fucked up, but he’s still a brother. We decide what to do together.”

Jisung throws his hands up in the air, falling into the back of the couch and sighing in frustration. “We have two days, right? That’s when it’s happening?” Christopher nods his head, turning to look at Minho.

“Yeah. Minho said he wanted it on a Saturday, so that’s when it’s going to happen.” Christopher stands up, moving to cover Minho with a blanket and helps adjust him to a more comfortable position. “He’s been trying to get a hold of Changbin’s family all week, but no dice. Once we joined the family, he tried to distance himself as much as possible. He hasn’t even spoken with his sister in three years.”

Christopher sits down on the couch at Minho’s feet, right in front of Felix. “I wish he didn’t have to go through this. I know he’s been having a hard time with the family since the Shanghai incident, ready to leave everything behind just so he and Changbin could have lived a quiet life somewhere else.” Christopher lets out a soft scoff, then rubs Minho’s leg.

“He got really mad at me not long before I met you,” he says, looking at you with a half-smile, “Changbin was scolding me, telling me I was wasting my time in the family, that I needed to find someone like Minho so I had a reason to leave. We were at my apartment, laying on the floor in the studio and smoking a joint, recording some instrumentals that came to us. Then he just drops that on me, saying I should leave. We were too old to get any real benefit from the group anymore.

“He was upset, telling me that Minho wanted to settle down with him, but they were too deep into the family to really explore it as a real option.” Christopher continues to rub Minho’s leg, the younger man shifting in his sleep beneath him. “Changbin never let himself express emotions - especially not love - in front of anyone but me. He even had a hard time with me. I remember him telling me that he had fallen for Minho right after the Shanghai incident. He was pacing in my apartment for a good hour, working up the courage to tell me.

“I remember he panicked. He was pulling the hair out of his head, starting to tear up when he told me. ‘I’m in love with this guy,’ he said, ‘and I know it’s inappropriate and I know I shouldn’t, he took a fuckin’ bullet for me.’” Christopher smiles a bit, bringing his hand up to Minho’s face, brushing his hair to the side. “Changbin would keep panicking, telling me he was overthinking everything and he was convinced that there was no way Minho would even like him like that. But then, he started noticing. Minho would say things during recovery. He’d look at him for a moment too long, he’d touch him for a split second longer than he intended.”

Christopher smiles a bit wider. “Then it happened. Changbin had gotten Minho to walk a hundred metres. Minho collapsed in his arms, so excited over his achievement. He was so excited and happy, he didn’t care that he had fallen, because Changbin was there to help him. And Changbin just did it - he kissed Minho. Kissed him quite a bit, is what he told me.

“I remember he was so upset, because everything felt so right. But he got Minho back up to his bed and left him, too ashamed to show his face around him again.” Christopher runs his hand through his hair, still staring at the man below him with a smile. “Minho called me while Changbin was at my apartment, panicking - he always has really good timing. Changbin pretended like he wasn’t there, wasn’t watching my every movement and reaction as Minho talked in my ear.

“Minho was annoyed, but not surprised, ‘Changbin just does this,’ he told me. ‘Freaks out, then hides, and gets all embarrassed over how embarrassed he is. Bet he’s redder than a beet and freaking out over this.’ And he was right, Changbin was curled up on the couch, hands in his hair, face a real deep shade of red.

“He told me to tell Changbin to stop freaking out, that he had a feeling he was there and was pretending to blend into the background. He’d be waiting for him as long as it took, that he wasn’t mad.”

Jisung makes an effort to hide him rubbing his eyes, but you manage to see him out of the corner of your eye. You pull him into your chest and grip him tightly. “I was mad,” Minho sleepily grumbles, shifting from underneath Christopher. “I really was, though. Mad he kept it all in. Mad he didn’t trust me. Mad he kissed me and left. Mad he was going to shove his feelings under the rug again. Wasn’t fair to himself.”

“H-hey,” Christopher says, a look of discomfort passing over his face, “how long have you been listening?”

“Long enough,” Minho rubs his eyes, sighing, and adjusting himself to stare up at the ceiling. “I knew some shit like this was going to happen eventually. Bin was always stubborn when it came to you guys, saying you annoyed the shit out of him more than his actual family. Hell,” he scoffs, turning his head to look at Christopher, “you were his family, as far as he was concerned. I was always worried I was gonna lose him to you, that he had some deep-seated, secret crush on you.”

Christopher’s face shifts, probably understanding why Minho would feel that way. “He always said you weren’t his type and he wasn’t your type. That you kissed once when you got really drunk in high school together and it was weird and awkward. You’d swore to never talk about it again, but you loved him anyways. Always supported him.”

“Yeah,” Christopher says with a laugh as he rubs his eyes. “Changbin was always the best friend I never knew I needed. He never judged me or nagged me about dumb shit I did. He would say ‘just stay positive, it’ll work out eventually.’ And he was right, every single time. Man,” he reached out to Minho, grabbing his kneecap, “he loved the hell out of you, though.”

Minho scoffs, rolling his eyes, “Oh, I know. He always tried to act tough in front of you guys, especially when I was around, but when it was just the two of us?”

“He was totally different, wasn’t he?” Christopher says with a smirk.

“Yeah,” Minho nods, closing his eyes. “Night and day. It’d be just the two of us and he’d do the cutest shit. We’d curl up on the couch and watch old romantic comedies. He always made himself seem a lot tougher than he was, but he was always the little spoon when we’d cuddle up to each other. Always fell asleep with his head on my chest. Wouldn’t let me go to bed if he thought I was mad at him, because he always said it was important to never go to bed angry. He’d take up the whole bed and huff and puff until I reassured him I wasn’t mad at him.”

Christopher suddenly pulls Minho into his chest, holding him tightly for a couple of moments. It takes a minute, but you notice them both crying quietly against each other. Felix gets up, throwing his gloves into the kitchen rubbish before leaning over the sink. Jisung makes a pointed effort not to look at you as he digs his face into your chest, wrapping his arms around your ribcage.

The guys have a moment to themselves, letting them grieve however they felt the need to. It felt like the energy in the room was different. You finally understood just how close everyone really was to each other, that they really did view themselves as family, that it wasn’t just an empty title. Changbin was the one that brought them all together in one way or another, and now he was gone. Someone would have to fill those shoes eventually, but that wasn’t important right now.

Minho deeply inhales, lifting his head up dramatically, and looking at Felix. “Lix,” he says, motioning for him to come closer, “I’ve been horrible to you all week.”

“Yeah,” Felix sniffs, nodding his head as he walks to the couch, kneeling down in front his senior, “you’ve been pretty terrible, but I don’t blame you, hyung.”

“No,” Minho grumbles, grabbing his junior with a firm grip and pulling him into his chest, “it’s not okay. I’m really sorry for treating you so terribly when you’ve been taking good care of me. We’re lucky to have you. Changbin knew what he was doing when he picked you.”

Felix scoffs, then makes an affirmative nod. “Changbin was always good at letting me feel needed in the group. He told me a couple weeks ago that he was glad I joined up with everyone, that we needed someone smart and dedicated.”

“Yeah,” Minho laughs, “that time that you were training Sungie, though, that was great.”

Jisung perks his head up, pulling one of the throw pillows out from behind you, tossing it over at Minho. “Hyung!” He shouts, his face puffing up in frustration as he whines, “Why are you always so mean to me?”

Minho laughs, playfully tossing the pillow back at him. “You’re always comedic relief. If you don’t like it, stop doing silly shit.”

Saturday morning came faster than you anticipated. The day was supposed to be simple, just a celebration of life at Cheonggyecheon with you and all of the members of the family. It was to be low-key and subtle. Minho said he wanted it to seem as nonchalant as possible, that people walking by wouldn’t really pinpoint it as a funeral. “Changbin hated unwanted attention,” he said.

Minho kept a portrait of Changbin in the breast pocket of his jacket, only pulling it out for a brief moment when he was recounting Changbin’s life, keeping it only in his line of sight. Flowers were blooming all around the stream site, petals occasionally being lifted by the wind, dancing around your small group, decorating you all in white.

Everything was going as expected. You all looked normal, making sure not to stick out in any way, but you should have known that having a gathering in downtown Seoul was a stupid plan. When bullets started flying from the bridge across from you, you weren’t surprised. When you got shot a few times, you still weren’t surprised.

“Oh,” you remember saying as you collapsed into the ground. “Interesting.”

The pain was only there for a moment as you were pulled away from the brink of death by Felix, then it dissipated quickly when everything turned to black. That voice from earlier was talking to you again, but you couldn’t understand what it was saying.

“Who are you?” You had asked the voice that spoke to you. It was familiar enough for you to pinpoint it as someone you knew, but you couldn’t remember who exactly it was. “Why am I here? Why are you here?” You had said to the nothingness, not actually expecting a response.

“You know who I am,” the voice responded, “and I know that you don’t belong here. That’s what matters.”

“Why?”

“It’s just not your time,” the voice pressed, getting further away from you. “Tell them I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold on. It just wasn’t in the cards, I guess.”

“Tell who? What are you talking about?” Your voice sounded frail, weaker somehow. “I’ve been here before, haven’t I?”

“Yeah,” the voice calmly reassures you, “this happens when you’re at death’s door. You got shot a couple times. Felix was working on you, bringing you back. But you can’t seem to make up your mind, if you want to stay or if you want to go.” The voice scoffs, sighing in annoyance. “Make up your fuckin’ mind already, would you? Be glad you got the option.”

“What?” The voice was starting to make more sense, but somehow still drifting further off into space. Was that who you thought it was? What the hell was his name?

“Go back. Christopher and Jisung need you. Hell,” he scoffs again, “Minho could use you, too. He likes something about you. Told me you’d be good friends eventually. I can see it now, of course. But you need to go back. Get out of here.”

“Wait a minute,” you say, trying to reach your hand out into the darkness, but nothing happens. “I know you. I remember you.”

“Yeah, you do, but you’re running out of time. Get out of here. Seriously, stop coming back here before I kill you myself.”

The voice dissipates, and you gasp loudly, opening your eyes. You’re in a bright white room, the trilling and beeping of machines replacing the voice that was in your head. Christopher and Jisung are on either side of you, staring at you in shock. That’s when it hits you: you have been here before. You talked with the voice before, too.

“Oh my god,” Jisung gasps, tears falling from his eyes as he grabs your legs. “You need to stop doing this. I can’t handle you doing this anymore.”

Christopher sighs heavily, staring at the monitors behind you with determination before he grabs your face and stares directly in your eyes. “Please stop doing that,” he says, his eyes starting to water. “You keep dying on us and I can’t handle it, either.”

“What?” You blink your eyes rapidly, your body growing heavy as you come to. “What are you talking about?”

Christopher takes in a deep breath, and Jisung crawls up next to you on your hospital bed. “Sung,” he presses and grabs Jisung’s wrist, “let her rest comfortably.”

“No,” he says with a slight quiver to his voice as he starts sobbing and chattering uncontrollably, “I can’t handle any more of this. Changbin-hyung’s gone, we almost lost her, you’ve been shot enough already, and we almost lost Minho and Seungmin. I’m not going to sit idly by and watch. I can’t lose anyone else. I just can’t. So, I’m sorry if I’m not handling this the way you want me to.”

Christopher sighs, then reaches his hand out to stroke Jisung’s hair. “Fine, Sungie, that’s fine. Just don’t cause problems, alright?”

“So,” you say, enjoying Jisung’s warmth as you clear your throat, “what happened?”

You had woken up briefly before, a couple weeks ago. It was a month after you had gotten shot at the funeral site. Christopher had explained it before, but you started to decline within a few hours of waking up, slipping in and out of consciousness. There was a point where you were comatose and intubated. He mentioned there was a point where you were bleeding, but it all blurred together.

There were a handful of doctors and nurses that came in to check on you, taking care of you as you needed. Felix came in at one point, concerned about some of the things he had seen on your labs, mentioning that he needed to talk to you about the next time you were conscious - if you regained consciousness, that was. He was acting as a neutral proxy for your healthcare, since there was no one that could legally speak for you.

Jisung made an offhanded comment that Christopher had yelled at Felix for the way he was handling your care, but Felix was trying to be as ethically consistent as possible. His first priority was to do no harm, and then comforting the family would come second. Neither Felix nor Christopher were trying to be cold about it on purpose. Christopher had been on edge since you slipped from consciousness the last time, and was unfairly taking it out on the first person he could.

“It made me realize,” he said, pulling his chair up closer to you, as he grabbed your hand, rubbing it on his face. “I love you. I really, honestly do.”

Jisung lifts his head off of your shoulder, turning to look at you with wide eyes. “You what?” He turned back to Christopher, cocking his head in disbelief. “Did I just hear you say that correctly?”

“Yeah,” Christopher says, softly, as the tears threatening to spill earlier finally fall from his eyes. “I love you, alright? Losing Changbin, then almost losing you made me realize it. I thought I felt it the day we lost Changbin, but I really, truly realized it when we almost lost you.” Christopher rolls his eyes up to Jisung, sighing deeply as he closes his eyes. “I guess I love you, too, in some weird way. Maybe not in the exact same way, but, you know, that’s not what matters. You’re important to me. We can figure it out as we go, right?”

Jisung kind of short-circuits for a minute, his head cocking to one side, then to the other side. He sputters incoherently a few times as words try to come to him, but don’t quite make it to fruition.

“I’m glad,” Christopher starts to speak again, “that we worked out the way we did. I remember thinking it was a really stupid idea when you brought it up, that Jisung wouldn’t be able to handle it, that he would panic or something.” Jisung glares at Christopher, about to quip something in response, but he’s cut off as Christopher continues.

“Hell, I should have been worried I couldn’t handle it. You two work so well together,” he says, looking at you and smiling, “and being able to be a part of this, to be a part of what you have, is just what I needed. Changbin always told me I was too hasty and protective in relationships, that I would need someone who could handle that but still challenge me.”

He flits his eyes to Jisung, grabbing one of his hands, bringing both of your hands together. “I was really horrible to you at the beginning, wasn’t I? Treated you as if you were some threat to a piece of property I felt entitled to, which is completely inappropriate. I shouldn’t have acted that way to either of you. I’m honestly so sorry that I acted the way that I did. Can you forgive me?”

Jisung scoffs, “Yeah, you were pretty rude. But I knew that about you, I mean, I put it aside when we started with this relationship, didn’t I?” Christopher nods his head, kind of humming to himself as he gets distracted by a thought. “I forgive you, though,” Jisung continues, a serious tone to his voice. “I know you were just being you, hyung.”

Christopher is about to make a comment, but the door to your hospital room opens. Felix walks in, his face perking up as he sees you completely conscious. “Well,” he says with a laugh, “look who took long enough and finally woke up.” Christopher turns his head over his shoulder, looking at Felix as he walks in.

“How are you feeling?” Felix continues, walking up to look at your monitors, pulling the paper feed from your EKG. “You’ve been circling the drain for the past couple weeks. I’m surprised you pulled through.”

“Yeah,” you say with a cough, adjusting the way you were seated, “I feel pretty terrible, I won’t lie. I feel like I’ve been a science experiment: poked, prodded, experimented on.”

Felix nods, looking at you, before turning his shoulder to the men behind you. “I need to talk with you about something. Alone, preferably.”

“Come on,” Jisung whines, grabbing you a little tighter, “she just came back. What happens if she slips out of consciousness again?”

“It’ll only take a moment,” the bleach-blond man reassures Jisung, turning to look at Christopher. “I promise.”

Christopher sits up, clearly displeased with the situation. He takes a second, then stands. “Come on, Sung,” he says, offering a hand to his junior. “It’s only fair. If you were in the same situation, I’m sure you’d want to be afforded the same respect.”

Jisung pouts, but does get up. “Fine,” he says, taking Christopher’s hand and standing up off of the bed. “But only for a bit, alright? She just came back to us.”

Felix bows his head slightly as the men leave the room. “I don’t want to alarm you,” he says, crouching down to be at eye level with you. He grabs your hands to comfort you. “But something on your labs concerned me when you first got here. I had the nurses pull some more blood to confirm, but,” he trails off, looking away from you.

“What?”

“When you were first admitted, you had detectable levels of hCG in your blood.” It took you a second, but the realization hit you and it hit you hard. The way Felix phrased his sentence so carefully made you worry.

“Had?” You press, sitting up a little and grabbing Felix’s hand a little tighter. “Does that mean…?”

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking up at you and grabbing your hands a bit tighter. “I had the nurses run your labs again just to make sure because you started bleeding profusely after you lost consciousness the second time. It didn’t make sense, not at first. I’ve been able to keep it hidden from Christopher and Jisung, but I knew I couldn’t keep it from you when you finally woke up.” He says your name softly, giving you a weak smile as he grips your hand. “I’m so sorry to come to you with this so soon after you came back.”

The two of you sat there in silence, staring at the thin blanket covering you. It seemed like it was an eternity as the realization that you were pregnant, and then suddenly weren’t washed over you. You hadn’t noticed you were crying until Felix wiped your face up with a tissue. He apologized again, just as Christopher and Jisung walked into the room.

“Sorry,” Jisung says in his usual chipper voice, “I was impatient and… what happened? Oh my god, are you okay? Bunny?” He hastily makes his way right back to your side, grabbing your face.

“What happened?” Christopher says coming up to your side, right next to Felix. “What’s the matter?”

“Do you want me to tell them?” Felix calmly asks you, rubbing his thumb on your hand. “I can tell them for you, or we can just ignore it for now.”

Christopher clearly doesn’t like that response. He grips Felix by the collar of his shirt, pulling him to his feet. “What happened?” Felix bites his lip, looking at you over his shoulder. “You’re talking to me, now, Lee.”

“It’s not your decision, hyung,” he says, squinting as he knows he’s only fuelling the fire. “I’m sorry, but you need to respect that and-“

“It’s nothing,” you say, the words falling from your lips before you can even really register it. “I mean, it’s not nothing, it was something, and now it’s nothing.”

“What are you talking about?” Christopher releases his grip on Felix’s collar, looking at you with concern. “What do you mean it was something and now it’s nothing? Why are you crying?”

You look at Jisung, then to Christopher, and sigh. You close your eyes in defeat and tilt your head down, trying to shrink yourself to make this all seem so much smaller, insignificant. If you treated it that way, it would hurt less, right?

“I was pregnant.” The words just slip out, quiet and concise. They have a taste of sterility and have a foreign texture as they leave your lips. “And now I’m not. That’s all. Something, now it’s nothing.”

“Oh my god,” Jisung says, collapsing at the side of your bed.  Christopher’s face falls in disbelief, and he says something in English, something you can’t pick up, and he grabs your face, forcing you to look him in the eyes.

“What?” Is all you can hear him say before you slip from consciousness, sinking into his arms. You expect to hear Changbin’s voice again, but it doesn’t greet you this time. You’re only greeted with the black void and nothingness.

[petri808]

Hauntober prompt Ghost (sort of lol)

Bakudeku requested by @nona-inc Angst w/happy ending, AU modern times. Longer than I’d planned to write but stories go where they wanna lol.

Got the idea here

A Second Chance

In his adulthood, Izuku Midoriya did quite well for himself career-wise. He had a nice home and lived comfortably even though it was alone. Relationships had never really crossed his mind, which he chalked up to the turmoil of his childhood. It wasn’t a terribly horrible one but coming from divorced parents is never easy on young child minds. Why get close to anyone if they’ll probably leave eventually? That was a lesson bolstered by the end of primary school when his best friend ditched him for the popular kids.

It was Halloween night, and Izuku’s simply followed his normal routine after work consisting of dinner while watching a bit of television. Trick or treaters were a rarity in his neighborhood, so there was no sense in celebrating the holiday. As he waits for the news, he lets the current show drone on in the background while he scrolled mindlessly through his social media. He didn’t pay a lot of attention to what acquaintances posted and mostly looked for interesting or funny posts instead.

“Deku...”

Izuku’s brow furrows slightly at that ancient nickname. He looks at the television characters on the screen, had one of them said it? But instead of the tv show, he finds a fuzzy, staticky screen. He grabs his remote assuming something had gone wrong with the channel or service when...

“Deku, I’m sorry...”

“What the?” Izuku starts clicking the buttons and getting no response. The screen stays stuck, yet that voice... it was a familiar voice from long ago...

“...I’ve watched you from afar for all these years, because I could never admit how much I loved you and now it’s too late. I’m so sorry Deku. You’ll always be my only true love.”

Silence. Dead silence for a flash of a second when the television loudly blares back to life and startles Izuku out of his seat into a standing position. “What the fuck is going on?!”

The show had ended, and the news is now on in its regular-timed slot.

‘Breaking news, a major four car accident on the I10 highway has left 3 people dead and one in a critical condition. The victim identified as 37-year old K. Bakugou had been transported to the hospital for treatment. Police have closed off the highway in both directions, so anyone traveling in that area should use alternative routes...’

As he watches the footage of the accident story, Izuku’s hand unconscious covers his mouth and tears gather in his eyes. “Oh my gosh....” That was the voice he’d just heard! Of course, Katsuki was the only one who ever called him Deku.

He quickly calls one of the nurses at his hospital and they confirm that the man had in fact been transported there 15 minutes ago.

��Oh! Dr. Midoriya! We were just about to call you! Yes, patient Bakugou was brought in unconscious, lacerations to his arms and chest, broken leg, possible punctured lung, internal bleeding, concussion, and brain swelling which is why I was just about to call you in.”

“I’ll be right there.”

The entire way there, Izuku struggles to rationalize the message. If Katsuki was unconscious, how could that have been his voice? Then again that’s if you believed his television had somehow sent the message in the first place! Oh, this was entirely crazy! Izuku didn’t even know why his logical mind was allowing him to believe it had happened if not for the coincidence of the news coverage.

But as a neurosurgeon, he had to put all those questions aside and focus on the task at hand. The description the nurse had given him already indicated major problems, but it wasn’t until his own physical examination that determined the true extent of the damage. Primary surgical nurse Uraraka already had set up the operating room by the time Izuku arrived.

“The patient was revived once by EMTs in the ambulance and a second time in the ER after his heart stopped. Right now, the patient is intubated and prepped for emergency surgery.”

“Thank you, nurse Uraraka.”

Along with a fellow doctor, Izuku switched into a hyper focused mode. He works to repair the damage to the patient’s brain while the other doctor simultaneously focuses on internal chest injuries. Time was of the essence to stem the blood loss and mitigate further damage if they had any hope of saving the man, because even if he made it through the surgery, only a miracle would bring him back at this point.

It was now a waiting game. They keep Katsuki in a medically induced coma for the first three weeks as his body worked hard to repair itself. Once he was brought out of the induced coma, he still didn’t wake up, was breathing with the assistance of a machine, but at least the man’s heart was functioning normally. Surprisingly, Katsuki’s parents remembered Izuku and were grateful their son was in familiar hands. They’d initially flew in after the accident, but the cost to stay for such a long length of time would be too steep. So, after they returned home, he kept them up to date.

Each day that passed by, Izuku would check in on Katsuki’s progress like a normal doctor would, but at night he’d go home and ponder the ghostly message that had come through the television. He’d told no one about it because who would believe something so crazy? It just didn’t sound like the man, or rather child he remembered. Never once was there any indication Katsuki had romantic feelings for him, especially considering it was him not Izuku that ended their friendship. They saw each other in passing though middle, then high school and still nothing. So why is he now being told this?

Some say that when you die, any regrets you have must be released or your soul cannot ascend to the next plane. Izuku wasn’t religious or spiritual and before that Halloween trick he would have said he didn’t believe in anything beyond what he couldn’t see, touch, feel, and analyze. Ugh! Maybe that’s why this was all driving him so crazy. He wanted answers but the one person who could give it to him was stuck in a coma.

“Everything okay doctor?” One of the LPN’s asks Izuku. “I just need to check on the patients vitals.”

“Do what you need to nurse, I’m just visiting before I go home for the night.”

“Yes, doctor.” The woman makes her chart notations and leaves them alone again.

Because of Izuku’s standing at the hospital, he’d gotten Katsuki a private room. The man was taken off the breathing machine a week earlier and this way he could monitor the man without being pestered. There were times he would spend a few hours just watching the man sleep, trying to study what had become of his childhood friend. Through research, Izuku learned Katsuki had moved here around the same time that he’d started his internship at the hospital. Before that the man lived in the same town as the medical school he attended. It appeared Katsuki really was keeping track of Izuku, never married, and just worked in the marketing field.

Izuku squeezes the man’s hand with his eyes closed in a silent conversation. The only sounds being the beeps and noises of the machines to break the stillness. Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t know what to think, what to feel, just that this man was dredging up long buried emotions that part of him was afraid to open up. Hadn’t he built up a good life, albeit a lonely one, it was still by his own wit and merits whereas Katsuki always had it so easy. The man was a smart, handsome jock, popular, and had been on track to do great things. While he was the geeky kid with freckles and wild green hair who the popular kids teased.

They were so close as little kids, all through preschool and the first years of primary. Katsuki was the extroverted one pulling him along on make believe adventures to emulate a shared love of a comic book character. In fact, it was with Katsuki’s help that he’d weathered his parent’s divorce. He idolized the stronger boy and wished he was Katsuki, not a weak like little nerd... perhaps having his child’s heart broken, really was the reason he swore off ever caring about anyone else again.

Did he just?! Izuku’s eyes pop open when his hand squeeze is returned by a weak one. Katsuki’s eyes are still closed and nothing else seemed unchanged. Perhaps it was just a nervous tremor, they happen sometimes. But no there it is again! Izuku stares down as the weak squeeze slowly turns into a grasp of his hand.

“Katsuki?”

A third squeeze. That meant the man was alert enough to hear and understand! Friend or not, it was the kind of thing to get a neurologist excited! Izuku quickly moved into doctor mode again and starts checking all the stats as well as alerting the nurse on shift.

“Welcome back Mister Bakugou.”

The man squeezes his hand.

“I’m your doctor, Midoriya. You might remember me...”

The man squeezes again and tries to talk, but after being intubated for a long time the throat tends to be dry, sore, and the muscles weakened. All that comes through is so faint it’s barely audible.

“Mister Bakugou, you’ve been unconscious for almost two months now, please try not to talk just yet, everything will be fine.”

But that only makes the man angrier. Furious red eyes flashing, Katsuki grips harder to Izuku’s hand using what little strength he has to try and pull him closer. So, Izuku leans in. “Calm down, it’s gonna...”

“Ma—y...” angry growling noises. “Mar...”

Obviously, the man wasn’t going to stop until he gave in, so Izuku leans in even more until his ear is practically next to Katsuki’s mouth. “I’m sorry?”

“Marry me damnit!!”

Izuku shoots straight up. “What?!” Is the guy serious?! The first words out of his mouth is that?! Wow... Katsuki really hasn’t changed, feisty as ever even after almost dying.

“Pa-pa—per pen!”

“H-hold on, just try to calm down please! I don’t want you to strain your heart!”

Midoriya grabs the chart, flips the paper over to the blank backside, and puts a pen in Katsuki’s hand. He holds it steady as the man scribbled shakily. ‘No waste 2nd chance marry me Deku.’

“Mister Bakugou, this is...”

The man pounds his fist on the bed then scribbles more. ‘Stop call me that! nickname!’

Izuku sighs and squeezes his eyes closed for a second. He hadn’t used that name since primary just like he’d hadn’t heard Deku all these years. “Kacchan. Happy now? I-I can’t just say okay. You—y-you ditched me remember and now you suddenly pop up and expect me to marry you?! Kacchan you almost died, I get it, that’s a scary thing to deal with, but you just need time to process...”

Katsuki writes, ‘Nothin 2 think bout. No more regrets,’ Then he mouths out the rest in a whisper, “I love you Deku.”

Izuku sighs, “I’m not saying yes or no Kacchan. Just get well first okay, then we’ll talk about everything.”

“Fine.” The man closes his eyes again seemingly satisfied with the answer.

He squeezes Katsuki’s hand. “I’ll see you in the morning Kacchan.”

When Izuku leaves that evening, he couldn’t help but walk out with a flutter in his chest and a pang in his heart. There really was a lot he still needed to get off his chest, but... he felt the honesty from Katsuki. If his dying regrets had been strong enough to reach him via spiritual mail, and the first thing he wanted to talk about was love, then... ‘take the second chance Izuku.’ Not everyone gets one.

[fallingin-like]

november 27

thick skin, an elastic heart by @badacts ​ [requested by @foxsoulcourt​ and @sig66​]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

an incredible jerejean fic that focuses on jean’s transition to the trojan’s and how jeremy struggles with falling in love with him. this fic is funny and emotional and includes a lot of really interesting introspection.

this is an amazing amazing fic, i wish i had read it sooner (but i don’t read many jerejean fics). i was immediately invested and could not stop reading. you provide a lot of valuable insight, and it was really interesting seeing these characters that i’m not too familiar with interact and grow closer and further and closer. i love the song elastic heart and it fits the story you’re telling.

parts that stood out to me:

”it’s unspoken trojan policy that everyone keeps their doors open during the day” this is so interesting! no wonder the trojans work so well together. although i suppose the ravens have a similar rule, but for a different purpose

”while the trojans can be a little too much to deal with en masse, it’s better than the alternative” oh no are the ravens the alternative? jean, your standards are too low, that team was really messed up

”jean, rustiness or no, is very good at what he does” i bet he is, and i bet that, under these better conditions he will be able to grow and be even better than before

”your stamina needs work” interesting, i wonder how long he used to play with the ravens? i would have thought that the brutal practices were enough that jean has pretty good stamina (although game situations are often more intense than practices… well maybe not for ravens)

”he’d been bedridden for weeks after everything, and had spent most of his summer in palmetto running to get his fitness back” oh this is rough, at least jean has had time for a full recovery, likely a luxury he never had in the nest

”that version is a pretty sharp contrast with jeremy right now, though” woah for a second i forgot about the conversation that they were having, it was so easy to get sucked into jean’s thoughts along with him

”jeremy goes from flushed to dead white in a few seconds” LOL

”but had been heavy on the literal slavery” AHHHHHH JEAN

”jean is a survivor, but he was a rebel first” i wonder if jean considers surviving itself an act of rebellion?

jeremy blushing so hard and being so flustered is the biggest mood every

”less because of the obvious parallel, and more because of the fact that by now jeremy’s used to jean inviting himself straight in” oh i love the way you did this. it introduces the familiarity between jean and jeremy and that they’ve had this sort of interaction enough times that there’s an expected behaviour of jean

”they’re - friends, now. they’re definitely, definitely friends, after months of jean adjusting to the trojans and jeremy as his captain, hard-won and satisfying. though jean’s watching him right now from an angle like he’s doubting all of it” woah this is a great paragraph. has jean ever had friends before? surely teammates yes, but people he’s considered friends? not sure. also love the subtle pov change.

”jean, jeremy has found, has very little interest in the opinions of other people” INTERESTING

”jean’s stare is penetrating. jeremy has to wonder why he’s so intense. it becomes obvious when he says, ‘you’re being weird’” i like this. but have no reason (that i can put into words) why

”jean goes on like jeremy hasn’t spoke. jeremy feels it like a shot to the gut, and tries to keep that off of his face” oh i think i missed something. such an intense reaction

”just as jean claims to know jeremy, jeremy knows him back” !!!!

”’you’re imagining things,’ jeremy says, which is perhaps not the nicest thing to say to jean moreau, a survivor of years of gaslighting” oh

”who is still and stoic and takes every step forwards like it might be the one to send him hurtling back to a place he desperately doesn’t want to go” woah. imagine being this well read by someone, gives me shivers. also i love this description

THEY KISS AHHH

”it’s kind of hard to think when he’s getting so little oxygen to his brain” LOL

”the reason becomes suddenly and brutally clear when it swears in french and gropes for the phone, shoving it into jeremy’s chest” LOL

”jeremy feels cripplingly awkward by comparison, knowing that jean will leave and this will all be done” nooo jeremyyy ;-; (also, cripplingly awkward is what someone would say if asked to describe me in two words lol)

”but jean is so beautiful he swears his heart might stop at the sight” ahhhhhhh

i forgot that jean also has scars!! i wonder what jeremy thinks of them…..

”the trojans have their record of avoiding red cards because they’re smart, not necessarily because they’re nice” this is true. they are also one of the best teams, and you don’t get to that point just by being nice.

JEREMY KNOX JUST GOT A RED CARD OHMYGOODNESS

”he acknowledges them with a raised racquet, but jean knows without seeing his face that there’s no smile there. that’s less surprising than people might imagine it to be” i’d love to know what’s going through jeremy’s mind in that moment

on chapter 5: i love the way that you write this, how immersed i become in jean’s thoughts and how the game only seems to be going on in the background. the way that outside events happen (siren going off) and break apart paragraphs, but jean’s thoughts continue. it puts me in a certain mindset and establishes tone in a really interesting way

”his life really should have removed any idea of fairness from him, any concept of justice and valor. he can’t explain why it hasn’t” this is so interesting to me. in a way, i can understand this.

wait ohmygoodness, what number is jean on the trojans?

JEREMY MAKING MISTAKES AHH

love the lines you have on jeremy avoiding jean

SEEING WHY THE RED CARD WAS GIVEN AHHHH

”the feeling of losing a friend is unfamiliar” and “he shouldn’t really call the feeling unfamiliar, anyway. pain, for jean moreau, is anything but” broke my heart, how dare you write that

dang, i have never really thought about laila, but the way you write her, wow i love her a lot. knows exactly what to do “her voice is soothing, which is an indicator of how jeremy must look right now”, as a person with a negative EQ, i want to understand people like she seems to

JEREMY JUST BLURTING OUT THAT HE SLEPT WITH JEAN AND ALSO THAT HE’S BI I LOVE IT

THE CONTRAST BETWEEN JEREMY AND LAILA’S SOFT CONVERSATION THAT ENDS WITH HIM ASKING HER NOT TO TELL ALVAREZ AND ALVAREZ BARGING INTO JEAN’S ROOM YELLING IS AMAZING

”’please, keep yelling,’ jean replies without looking up from his book, voice dry as sawdust” ooo i like the way that you write jean

”he stands. his height and size forces alvarez back a step more by necessity than any actual threat, but she looks like she doesn’t like making the concession.” i’m really impressed by this because i could picture this so well in my head (doesn’t happen often) and not just the scene and the actions described, but the tone of their body language too, the way that jean stood up and alvarez moved

”it’s what he wants. just like her leaving is, just like her closing the door more gently this time than a wall-rattling slam is. it makes no sense that it makes him feel worse. or maybe it does. it’s been a while now since he really felt alone” uhm excuse me i thought you broke my heart before but now you really just took the pieces and smashed them up even morE. THESE PARAGRAPHS HURT TO READ

”jeremy has always had a little problem with acting first and thinking later - jean once unfavourably compared him to the foxes’ resident rebel, neil josten, which jeremy thinks is pretty rich but perhaps not entirely untrue” LOL and also i love the wording you chose here

JEREMY CAN PICK LOCKS WHAT ARE THE LONG LIST OF REASONS

oh, the nightmare scene is so perfect, exactly the kind of thing i like (not kidding, i live for angst). this part? “the lock reengages before he can get back inside his room. it’s like a gunshot in the quiet” oh it’s so good. both sides are so understandable. jeremy’s reaction, his desire to help and recklessness. jean’s mistrust, disgust, he’s so used to having his privacy disregarded and this time he thought it would be different but it’s not and that makes it even worse, especially after a nightmare

”that means jeremy has to obsess over the only things he can control - how he acts, and how he feels” this is a lot easier said than done (says me, a person who has spent a lot of time trying to repress their feelings)

”obviously riko is never going to play again” THIS IS THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY. RIKO IS NEVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING AGAIN (except maybe rot lol)

”maybe one day he’ll realise he’s playing for himself. maybe neil josten, another one of their kind, will teach him how” oh this is good

”jean is a survivor, but that’s muscle memory too, learned the hard way just like he learned most everything else. underneath it all, his natural tendency is not caution” wow, i don’t even have the words to describe these sentences. i’m learning so much about jean. i feel like often times he’s seen as in between kevin and neil (coward vs instigating coward), but i’m starting to appreciate more and more who he actually is. jean was playing the long game, and it looks like it’s starting to pay off

“it turns out that survival and rebellion have one intersection - they don’t produce nice people” this!!!!

THE SHOWDOWN BETWEEN JEREMY AND JEAN. definitely reminds me of the beginning of the series, with neil blowing out his arms against andrew, although this time it ends in success on jeremy’s part.

”then you’re nothing like riko moriyama… and don’t assume you understand what i’m afraid of, or what hurts me” THIS WHOLE SCENE IS AMAZING. jean has been through so much, i don’t think jeremy can even begin to imagine the suffering, the pain

”doing the wrong thing by you. hurting you. you hurting me. losing you” i think that jeremy should understand that being afraid of these things already makes him way better than riko and everyone who has hurt jean before

”’i’m in love with you!’ jeremy says, because he can’t listen to this, and because he’s always been terrible at restraining himself when he gets emotional” WHAT. EXCUSE ME WHAT

”jean pauses, almost a double-take” YEAH ME TOO JEAN

hello i cannot belieVe you ended the chapter like that!!!! how dare yoU

”do i seem like the type of girl who holds a grudge? honesty, my attention span is like twelve seconds long” ME TOO

alvarez!! i need someone like you in my life!!! “so tell me about your problems, white boy.” LOL

”it’s not jeremy he’s doubting” ooooooh

”don’t agree with me. prove me wrong” THIS IS GOOD

”jean forgets that, as part of the ‘perfect court’, he’s famous too” that is true. he’s mostly stayed out of the media’s eye, but he was just involved in everything as the rest of the ‘perfect court’

”i say that because you’ve been playing terribly and i was surprised” JEAN!!!! I’M LAUGHING SO HARD

”of jeremy saying, ‘you never cover your scars,’ and jean replying, honest, ‘i’m not ashamed of what people did to me.’” oh this is amazing

”’how do you know… that you’re in love’ ‘experience’” i have no words

jeremy waking up, it’s so soft ;-;

oh no jeremy is back to being terrible on court BUT HE’S SO HAPPY IT’S ADORABLE

”i do know what broken ribs feel like” ohmygoodness, jean, you’re killing me

”are you sleeping with a lamprey now?” I HAD TO GOOGLE WHAT A LAMPREY WAS BUT WHEN I SAW A PICTURE I LAUGHED SO HARD

the nightmare, jeremy comforting him, these boys are so good for each other :”)

LOL I LOVE THAT JEREMY KEEPS BRINGING UP HIS RED CARD

ah, i have read probably one jerejean fic before this (yeah yeah terrible i know) but i really should not have expected anything less than amazing writing from you. you did an amazing job balancing out the push and pull between jeremy and jean, the alternating support from the girls, and how long conversations and dialogue contrasted the action of exy. i am so impressed by your exploration of this relationship, and the detailed introspection you included. you were able to integrate the thoughts of jeremy and jean so well into the flow of the story and i learned a lot and thought a lot. there is still so much that i wasn’t able to cover in my review.

i loved the characterization, jeremy’s uncertainty and his blushing, jean’s somewhat stoic and confident on the outside appearance. the way that both their pasts shaped who they are and influences their actions and how they make decisions, and how their personality types affect those as well. it was so interesting for me to see such an in depth study of jeremy, his sweetness, but also thoughtful in a more serious way, how jean is so much more than what happened to him in the nest. that he is a rebel and isn’t afraid to stand up for himself after so long of not being allowed to do that. i laughed and i hurt and i was comforted. thank you so so much for writing this!

[irageneve]

I know that sometimes it is better to let your praise stand alone but I can't help but respond again. Because it is not just that piece I mentioned. You always produce such detailed artworks (even for free which is mind-blowing and making me wish I had enough money to pay you.). You invest so much time and love and it shows, each piece seeming to have a soul of it's own. May I ask how long you already draw? I would love to know about the road you've taken so far while pursuing your passion :)

you will literally make me cry you’re so so kind i don’t know how to thank you enough T__T feel free to come around and ask me anything, my heart is yours

story time, Ira’s art journey (it got way longer than I expected and I also got sappy lol, I’m sorry)

like any other kid I started to draw when I was little. I used to spend a lot of time in hospitals as a child so coloring books where how I was spending my time. after that I continued to draw just for myself, ugly drawings that back then were full of thoughts that I was proud of haha. besides that I was always drawing on something, notebooks, napkins, my hands, tables. even now I draw floating eyes and random hair shapes on my notebooks lol

I continued to draw by pausing different anime scenes on TV and drawing them on paper, trying to reproduce it as accurate as I could only by studying the paused episode. looking back I realize I was doing art exercises without even knowing what I was actually doing, back then I was just drawing what I was admiring (I remember even now the anime Slayers, I drew Lina one night and then I wrote down every one of her spells that I was remembering)

I was never the best at traditional art, I’m pretty clumsy, smudging everything or painting everywhere that shouldn’t have paint on it. watercolors hated me (literally, once I had a watercolor tube explode in my face when I tried to open it)

I started digital…12 years ago I think? I started in paint and for good years I mastered that. my first ever digital art was an anime schoolgirl I reproduced from the cover of one of my notebooks. I drew that in paint and I remember it took me several days to finish. and then after a while I discovered Paint Tool Sai

I kept drawing for myself and for my friends for the longest time, mostly my OCs and my own stories. after a while, with school getting stressful and losing motivation because I had the mindset that art is just a hobby and it won’t get me anywhere, because society and family and etc told me that, I stopped. for 3-4 years I haven’t touched anything art related (I used to draw with a mouse back then)

then, I got into mystic messenger where I met people outside of my group of friends. I started to want to draw again for that fandom and even if my skills were really rusty I was enjoying it. I started to post art online two years ago under the name of Cheebs. for a while everything went fine. I was drawing and a friend that I considered very close to me was doing the backgrounds, we called them collaboARTs. but when I started to feel art was more like a chore than a passion plus some other details that I won’t go into now (regarding the friendship between me and this person) I realized it was toxic for me. things went south, we “broke up” and that was the moment I decided to never leave my arts with a white background anymore. even the simplest backgrounds are fine, but no more lazy

around…August/September I think, 2018, I got my first tablet. man the difference between a mouse and a tablet is HUGE. I felt like I was rediscovering drawing all together

wanting more of my art I started to watch speedpaintings on youtube, to search for different ways to do backgrounds, how to make the composition in order to enhance your art and not to make it heavy, color theories, etc. I started working on my technical side, I always drew just how I felt like it looked good (I never got art classes, only in elementary school which were more to play around than to learn art)

my art improved in the last year while I realized I was drawing for myself and that it never should become a chore, more than the entire time before that. I worked on my fears of “what if” (what if won’t come out good, what if they won’t like it, what if someone will find this trash) and that helped me more than anything. I improved in anatomy, perspective, colors, backgrounds because I wasn’t afraid of failure anymore and I pushed myself to go out of the comfort zone. it really helped

now my next step is to make my art a bit more…lively. I love when I hear people saying that they are feeling things when seeing my art or my writing, cause that’s what I’m aiming for. but I feel like I don’t have the dynamic I want, I feel some of my pieces are…stiff. I want more fluidity in my art so lately I’m trying to draw in a different way, to use more lines of actions

and now because you mentioned the free art part, I’m going to be a bit honest: giving free stuff (art, writing, edits, readings, any free content) it’s always going to be tricky. there are going to be people who demand, who are pushy, who want things their way. I opened requests a while back because I wanted to get better and to draw more, and I don’t regret that, but it was hella stressful and it burned me out in half a year because I didn’t know when to tell them to stop. I was making full illustrations daily. then after I stepped up for myself and changed the rules I felt much more better and now I can do up to 6 requests per day. of course, not top quality, but that doesn’t mean I don’t put love in them. love, and time and thoughts

there are wonderful people coming into my inbox almost daily and I love to draw for all of them for free, but there are always people making you question your choice of doing it in your free time. this is why I always fire up when I see people being mean towards learning artists. no one just knows how to draw, not even pro artists. who says “do it” never ever tried to do it themselves

I like to say that creativity is a muscle, if you don’t train it and challenge it it won’t evolve. but the pace of doing that it’s different from an artist to another. who cares if a young artist doesn’t know how to draw latino characters but still wants to draw that certain person cause they like them? let them try, let them fail, let them learn

ahh this got off track but I got a bit sad and angry today because of this topic and some discourse, I guess I just had to let it out. I saw people bloom when they got a bit of support to start drawing, after years of putting it off because teachers or family told them they have no talent. they only needed a bit of push and while they aren’t Picasso they are drawing, it looks great and they are using their creativity. they are enjoying it. that’s all that matters

it’s late and idk why I’m sappy but I really hope people would start appreciating creativity more and would let people enjoy and discover the world without any labels or judgements or unnecessary drama. I’m so sorry if I bore you, thank you for your kind words and I’ll stop here before I’ll write a goddamn novel hahaha

much love to you anony, you’re truly an angel 🧡

[meny-sempai]

MO DAO ZU SHI IS A MASTERPIECE – part 01

OH MY GOD EP 15! That was so… UGH. I have so much to say, yet I’m speechless at the same time! Aaaaa! Ok, that’s it! It’s time!

The first season is over and I can finally talk about my experience with the piece of art that is Mo Dao Zu Shi. Yes, it is a piece of art and I will prove it to you in this short series of my thoughts about the show.

I just have to say – I’m not a native English speaker so bear with the mistakes I’m bound to make. I did read the novel, but only as far as the Exiled Rebels Scanlations translated it (thank you Rebels, you’re gods). I started reading the novel after the first airing of the third episode, so at the very beginning of MDZS mania – I went in blind and… it was FUNNY. I’ll talk more about that down below. And yes, I know a lot of spoilers, but I can’t say I know the whole story – If I start theorizing be aware that I’m just theorizing, I’m not actually telling the plot, but, just to be sure: SPOILERS ahead, I will use the facts I know for my analysis.

For the first two episodes I’m going to tell you my blind reactions and compare them with my impressions after finishing the season. My misinterpretations are hilarious and I admit I was really dumb. Enjoy my stupidity.

The rest of the episodes will have my impressions and analysis that I now have after finishing the show. There will be a few of these kind of posts on my profile because I can’t fit everything I have to say in just one. I don’t actually do analysis of shows here, because this is my personal art blog, but I sometimes make exceptions. As an animation student I just had to talk about Mo Dao Zu Shi. I want more people to see it. I want people to know that it is much more than BL.

So… Here we go!

INTRODUCTION – or, who the hell even asked for my opinion?

I’ve been a fan of anime/manga since I was 13, which was 12 years ago (I’m old, I know). Sure, I’ve watched Digimon, Pokemon, Bayblade and all that jazz when I was even younger, but that doesn’t count, because I had no clue about the concept of anime.

I’ve seen a lot of shit, I’m quite open to a lot of shit and if I’m in the right mood I can take a lot of shit, but I still regard myself as someone who has a good taste. The older I get the less time I have to take a chance at something I wouldn’t normally watch. Even if there is something I’d watch I usually end up not having time for it. Since I started studying and doing animation myself, my criteria for the quality skyrocketed. I long gave up on the three episode rule. One episode is enough to see potential if there is potential (some shows can still trick me – I’m looking at you Sirius the Jaeger).

Ok, ok, I’m not bashing on Sirius the Jaeger. I’m just saying the show had a lot of potential and threw it out of the window. If there was no Mikhail and Yuliy dynamics… Scratch that – if there was no Mikhail in the show, the story would have been completely empty. At least for me.

Since we’re talking about other shows, I’ll use this opportunity to declare Mo Dao Zu Shi as the animation of the year. Sure, the year’s still not over, sure I only watched Cells at Work, Free! Dive in to the Future, Sirius the Jaeger and BANANA FISH, but I still believe in what I say.

Sorry Cells, you’re cute, you make me care more about my body, you make me have weird feelings about Cancer (WTF). I wish I can show you to all the school kids in my country, but you’re not the best this time. Please, give me another season, thank you. Love the manga. Guys, please watch this anime!

Sorry Free, you… Pfff… Ok, yeah, FREE, I love you dude, thank you for all the sexy muscles and almost BL drama (and some actual deep moments). Thank you for all the Rin, we can never have enough of Rin. And thank you for Kisumi and Asahi – didn’t know I needed that. Thank you, but… yeah, know your place (hint: it’s right here in my arms).

Sorry Sirius, I wish you had more episodes to explore the story and the characters. Liked the OP and the animation.

Sorry BANANA FISH, oh god, I really am. Before MDZS I lived for you BF, I lived for you! I was an old fan of the manga and I was so hyped. I can’t say I’m dissatisfied with the anime adaptation. I liked a lot of things they did, the way they adapted stuff, added and changed stuff, but it was just too much plot for 13 episodes and the effects of it became clearer and worse while the anime progressed. I have no idea how MAPPA will handle the second season. My fingers are crossed. Guys, watch this anime. Even with all the flaws it’s worth your time. 

And yes, I watched Voltron and The Dragon Prince. This will be a really long post if I start on those, so I won’t.

So… YES. Mo Dao Zu Shi came out of nowhere for me and took the crown. Wow… where to start…?

How did I find this show…? Actually, how did this show find me? Well… It was my beta reader, I think. After 13 years of being a silent fan of Asian comics and animation, I decided to finally write a fanfiction. Surprisingly, it was for the small fandom of the Korean comic Noblesse (nobody cares, carry on). I don’t know why, but my beta told me about this new BL “anime”. When I realized it was Chinese I rolled my eyes. I’m an asshole, I know, but I just never liked anything I saw from the Chinese (I haven’t seen much, but what I saw was poorly animated/was in 3D and I’m not a huge fan of 3D). I also never liked the voice acting… Ok. OK, I admit! I never liked the language, ok? Shoot me!

Then… Everything changed when the Wen clan attacked.

Anyway… I was bored, I was lazy and didn’t want to do work for my university, so I said: “What the heck! Hit me with some Chinese BL.” I clicked on the first episode not even bothering to read the summary. Man… My expectations were the low of the lowest.

EPISODE 01 – or, what the fuck did I just watch and is there more of it?

Oh shit… I’m terrible at names, especially Chinese names! Am I supposed to remember all this, is this important? The clans, the wars, the titles? This is BL, right? Should I take out my note book? Fuck, pause it. Ok… Ok… I get it? Let’s just continue.

(When I look at it now it was pretty clear. I really am dumb. To be fair, you need time to get used to how they use names. And for someone who never watched Chinese animation seriously and doesn’t know anything about the culture it really was a lot of new information. But don’t let that stop you from watching it!)

Ughhhhh…. 3D… damn it. And it was going so well. Ugh, just look at those wings flapping! Are the wings broken? What the hell! Why do they do this?

(Lol, I was so triggered. XD The bird is actually fine. I like how the scene transitioned from the pupil of a scared man to the pupil of the crow. As if they were watching each other in the eye, only adding to the creepiness. The lighting is also great. Everything is dark and gloomy, fitting the “horror” atmosphere really well, yet at the same time the dark scenes are vivid and clear. It’s hard to make the misty night look clear and colorful. The flying is a bit iffy, but it doesn’t really matter because the effect of hundred birds covering the sky is strong and meaningful.)

Holly shit! This is amazing! Pause it! No, go back, I wanna see this again. Oh my god, that flute! The music is awesome, I’m having goosebumps. Ooohh, love the music, I never heard something like this. Oh, this dude is so cool. Red eyes and zombies and… What is this show about again? Zombie BL? Really? It’s not really zombies, right? Please don’t be about zombies, I hate zombies.

(Honestly, this scene is stunning. A really effective way to reveal a character. Especially a character that we are not sure whether he is good or bad. The most amazing thing for me about this is how they used music. It isn’t just the background music to accompany the atmosphere. It isn’t there just to tell something about the character and make him stand out (it’s not a character theme). The flute is not alone here, there are many themes working with it. Together they are not there to tell us “this is a scary action scene” so feel this, or “this is a sad scene”, or a “funny scene”. No. The music here is its own art piece. It’s actually there to tell us in its own language the story that we are seeing on screen. I don’t know how to explain it. For me, the way the music changed was perfectly synchronized with the way people were saying words, the way Wei Wuxian moved his head, the way the corpses stood up to attack. If I close my eyes I can see the scene by only listening to the music. This is something that regularly happens in this show. I don’t know how they do it, but I applaud to it. I can’t remember the last time the music left such an impact on me in the animation series. And this is just the first episode and the first scene. We have no idea who these people are. We are not expected to feel emotional for them. But I felt the connection. I felt like I was there and the corpses were about to get me.)

Ugh! 3D, you’re killing me! And it was such a cool intro! Ok, calm down, what are they saying? So… That’s the guy with the flute, right? No, it was Wei, but Wei Something else. No, wait, it has to be him. Go back. Yeah, it is him. What the hell is a courtesy name? Ok, never mind, try to remember.

Oh no…! More exposition, more names and clans! My brain is melting! Cool smoke/ink animation, though. Hmm, purple ring. Nice. That’s important, right? Oh! The amulet thing! Remember that. That’s gonna bite us in the ass later, ain’t it? Alright, so “Wei something” died. Killed by… shidi? So… the younger clan member? So…? This Wei also had his own clan? Am I getting this right? I’m probably not getting this right. Ugh, just watch the damn episode, quit pausing every goddamn second! It’ll explain itself.  

I like the OP! The similar smoke/ink animation and… Wow, ok, there are too many handsome guys here. I’ll have to focus. The music is catchy. I like the singer’s voice. Cool!

(I’m now quite fond of the 3D in here. The tortoise and everything. XD Also, in my defense - they have three names, like, come on. I didn’t see that coming. I don’t even have a middle name. Although, I do think having three ways to be addressed is pretty interesting. You can tell and convey a lot by just picking a name the character uses in his speech.

Fun fact no1. – at the time I couldn’t even recognition the names when they would speak. All of the words sounded the same to me, which was so unusual. I can now recognize a lot of words and phrases. And, I think… Well, you’ll see what I now think about Chinese and VAs. I’m just gonna say this: I’d like to learn Chinese just so that I can write a love letter to Guo Haoran.

Fun fact no2. – It took me 6 episodes to actually pay attention to the lyrics of the OP and ED and to realize that they are representing Wei Wuxian and Lan WangJi. That’s a really beautiful touch, very smart. And it brings so much meaning to the table when the ED changes. I don’t think I ever saw OP and ED used in this particular way.)

Well, this is getting really dark and interesting. This Wei may be a refreshing MC. Probably a good guy at heart, but shady as fuck and ready to kill. I do have another name to worry about, but Mo is easy to remember (“Don’t close mountain” – if you know what I mean :P). I wonder if Mo is important to the plot. I see potential for some twists here. 

2D animation is looking good so far. I like how they made us look from the protagonist’s POV. Really refreshing directing… hmm… Still not buying the Chinese, but Wei has a nice voice. The music is still great.

Bahahahaha! Scratch that, Wei is an idiot! Good to know that liquor is your priority, Wei! XD Omg the donkey, too, look at that face, look at the eyelashes!

The fuck is this shit? Are those people flying? While standing? Are they standing on something? What the hell? XD Man, that sky is nice. Oh! Oh, oh, wait, those guys! Those were the shadows I saw a scene earlier. Mmm… Attention to detail. Nice. Looks like I’ll have to pay close attention to every scene. Been a long time I had to focus so hard on an “anime”.

(10 minutes and I was already very intrigued. I didn’t know shit, but I was in. With all the pausing I probably spent 50 minutes on this episode, but it felt like barely 20 minutes had passed. At the beginning I paused a lot because I was too slow to read the subtitles (no, I don’t watch dubs, I’m just too used to Japanese and their culture references that reading subs is child’s play, but this was new territory for me). I also paused a lot because I felt I’ve missed something, or because I was surprised at how some scenes looked. 

I don’t pause that often now. Mo Dao Zu Shi trained me to see and hunt for detail. As I said, it’s been a long time since I had the need to carefully look at the backgrounds and pay attention to all of the characters’ expressions. Mo Dao Zu Shi tells a lot in silence and in small details. It awards you if you take time to look at the scenery. When I find something that I’d usually miss, I don’t necessarily feel smarter, but I feel the show is treating me as someone smart. MDZS respects its audience. It makes them think and remember. Which makes this show 100% re-watchable. I watched all the episodes 3 times. Some I watched even more – like episode 11. And I always have a new experience. I love coming back to it. Even when I work I play the episodes and listen to them. It’s interesting. Try it. Try just to listen to the audio. It has rare quality to it. The sounds and music are used wisely and a piece of music always has a legit reason why it’s played.)

Ok, this run is too slow. I get that he’s fat, but still, the foot exchange doesn’t fit with the distance he’s making. Also, the flying guys are not flying anymore. I got more info. And MORE NAMES. Kill me now. The info is interesting, though. Cultivators are Chinese exorcist, right? I really should have read the summery.

(I still think the running was not convincing. There are moments such as these in the show, but honestly, MDZS has fascinating animation and it only gets better in the later episodes (I’m not even gonna start with ep 11 – ep 11 will get its own post). The animators know what they are doing and the director knows how to make a scene work at full capacity.

Fun Fact no3. – D.Gray-man destroyed me. I now only know how to say “exorcist” the Japanese way.

MDZS also has a way of making seemingly stupid stuff look and be cool. Surfing on swords sounds pretty dumb, but when you actually see it and have it explained to you, when it has plot significance it becomes a fresh idea. I want to have my own sword to surf on!)

Well, hello… Lan… Jingyi ~ (How do you read this? O.O) Mmm… I’m digging the art style. Cute boys~

Also, Wei, you’re a fucking genius! XD The Oscar goes to you, my dude.

(… I still think Wei Wuxian is a fucking genius. I’m not gonna talk a lot about him right now, but I just gotta say that he is such a classic MC, yet at the same time he is so original. He’s just one of the proofs how great the writing this series has.

Speaking of writing – this show has some of the best dialog I’ve ever seen. Not only because of what is being said, but also because of the VAs, directing, music and animation. Dialog often has more than one meaning and always serves to deepen the characters and their relationships. I love how they use animation to show how the characters are truly feeling while saying something and what they actually mean when they say it. Everything they say has a reason and it makes you pay attention to other’s reaction to what is being said. I love how the character can say the same thing in so many different ways and that this is used to show his development and growth. I’m also amazed at how simple “hmm-s” and “mmm-s” mean so much in this show. 

I’m not saying character animation and rich expressiveness is something new, but it is rare and this show is really good at it. For example, quite a few characters laugh or cry but they all do it differently. They raise their eyebrows differently, they’re surprised and scared differently etc. This all sounds as a no-brainer, but it’s not so common. It’s difficult to pull off and I’m not saying MDZS is perfect, but it’s close.)

(Please… You think you can take down someone who spent his whole life perfecting the art of climbing up trees? Pff! You’re not Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan.)

(He looks so comfortable among corpses. It’s funny, yet so sad. These are all great hints for the mind-set of a character that you’ll miss at first watching, but you won’t forget about it. And when the memory clicks – it makes a loud click. Not a second is wasted in this show. Everything has a point. I’ll elaborate more on that with some examples in other posts.)

Bahahaha! I feel you bro! XD

But I feel you too. I mean, I don’t care about you, wench, don’t get me wrong, but it’s kinda sad. I’m liking these zombies. They’re my way of creepy and there’s potential for a deeper plot for them if it’s true that their personalities are still there somewhere. This just adds to the debate whether Wei is good or bad. The grey area… I love the grey the most. All 50 shades of it. And I’m enjoying the mystery vibe of this episode. Was there a mystery tag on this “anime”? Also, the fight scenes are not bad. And it’s cool how they all hate Wei but use his technics and knowledge. Realistic. Cool.

Oh my god! The colors! Whaaat? What the hell, look at that hair animation! And the music from that… string thingy- instrument – so cool. Ooohh, wait, this is the white dude, THE dude. Here comes the BL!

Ooohhh, I see what you did there. Kudos for you, director! Similarities and contrasts. Nice. And it’s over, I can’t believe it’s over! How can you cliff hang like that?! There’s a second episode, right? Mm, the ED is so pure. There IS a second episode! Well, while I’m here, don’t mind if I do!

EPISODE 2 – or, how I got everything wrong!

I bet he’s thinking: “The fuck is with this aim? The little shit almost killed me! I’m annoyed and amazed! Better play a fool and run for it.” But, seriously, that aim! Wei actually paused (love the little wobble effect on the arrow). And I have another name to remember! Ugh! And another color! Are they color coded? That could be helpful. Also, look at that tree. Wow… They’re blending the 3D backgrounds quite well with the 2D.

And Mo is important to the plot! Nice! So he has connections with the Yellow clan. The plot thickens.

I just gotta say – all of them have interesting designs. I wonder if every cultivator has his own sword. Bleach style or something. On the other hand, animators must be pulling out their hair because of all the details. XD

Cool little battle. Great camera work. They showed the difference between a student cultivator and an experienced one in an entertaining way. That soul summoning was nice too.

(This fight served as a nice show of power difference. It adds a lot to the future episodes where all of the main cast are students and have to face various trials. It gives us a hint at how powerful the clan leaders must be, it gives us a new perspective on the war and its casualties. We now get why many cultivators died so “easy”. It also hints at how talented students are different from the average which is an important detail in the plot. This little “unimportant” fight grounds it all and makes the levels in the clan system believable and palpable.)

This is really clever. Kudos for the reflection. Wei, haven’t you ever watched an anime? It’s clear the kid doesn’t have a mom. He probably doesn’t even have a dad.

(Ok… prepare for a full on fangirl attack.)

… My ears are tingling.

… This voice… Oh my ears, please calm down, something big is happening right now. Wait… Oh wow, he knows him! Look at the face he’s making, oh shit! And this new guy…! We haven’t even seen his face and he’s making threats! Hmm… Can’t say I don’t like that. Yeah, I like that… He’s gonna be the villain, isn’t he? I always like the villains and they always have the best voices. Well… if he’s a villain, let’s hope he’s hot-

Oh, wow, this is really good. The way the light appears, and that little shine of the… bell? Purple… Purple? The purple ring? Is this connected? Well, anyway, he has a pretty dramatic reveal and nice music – yep, he’s the bad guy. Let me see your face-

Wei… why are you so scared? They sure take their sweet time in revealing this guy. This may be more important than I thought. Don’t miss anything!

(Are you prepared?)

HOLLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE FUCK OH MY GOD WHAAATT??? Was he this beautiful in the OP? Whaaaatt? AAAAHHHHHH!!!! SCREENSHOT! WALLPAPER! GO BACK, REPEAT THE SCENE! YOU! YOU, MY BOY, HAVE ENTERED MY HAREM. Oh what a day to be alive! Mmmm, ok, calm down, we’ll draw him later, let’s try to focus. Jiang Cheng. Ok, it’s a more common name, I’ll remember him. Heh. Like I could forget this boy. Oh, no, not a boy, a MAN. This is a man. Uhuhuhu~

(Aaaand my mind was a bit hazy for the rest of the episode – you will see the results.

Fun fact no4. – Immediately after this episode I looked up MDZS on Tumblr and realized that the fandom is calling Jiang Cheng JC. Still under the effects of what I just saw I thought calling him God was quite appropriate.)

NICE PROFILE!!! Is he going to be the other love interest for the MC? Are we gonna see the cliché love triangle? If it’s with this dude, maybe it won’t be so bad~ Ok, seriously, watch the show!

Ok, the magic light here is a nice touch. This Jiang Cheng is a bit cold even to his nephew. He doesn’t recognize Wei, but that’s expected. Wei is strongly reacting to him. What’s the connection? Judging by the music – it’s sad? I expected something more, I don’t know, menacing? Evil? But it’s just sad. Maybe he’s not a villain. That… that could open so many doors… TO MY KOKORO.

“Feed your dogs.” Ouch, that’s dark. Someone really hates the “demon” cultivators.  

“Could this boy be…?” What? What is he? Want’s the connection? Should I know, did I miss something?

The white dude and my purple man clash! Holly, Jiang Chang sounds pissed (passive aggressive enough?), while White poster boy here doesn’t give a damn! XD Ahahaha! Could Jiang Cheng be the Chinese tsundere? No, no, no, let’s not call such a man a tsundere. It’s too early.

Oh, Uncle is the leader of the sect. Nice. How old is the Uncle? Is he married?

This obvious metaphor of concealing the light is distracting me from fangirling. It’s interesting how it connects with the Jiang Cheng reveal. I feel that… shit is about to go down.

I was right! He’s the ring! What does the ring represent? And he’s doing what I always do! I play with my ring like that all the time! Nice.

SCREENSHOT! Oh, but he’s pissed. Oh, but I love the way he looks at me~ I feel all mushy.

Ha! Interesting. He’s smart, he has some self-control. Refreshing. But don’t turn your anger at your nephew, please. Also, it seems like the white dude and the Uncle have some history. Hmm…

I thought so. The white dude was the one who killed Wei. The tragic love. I can already see it.

(Yep. I thought Lan WangJi was the Shidi who “killed” Wei Wuxian. You are allowed to face palm.)

Oh no… I know where this is going. And the music…

Oh man… It’s the second episode and I’m already having the feels. What happened, Wei?! I refuse to believe you’re a bad guy!

But, I get Wei’s reaction to Jiang Cheng now.

(I don’t know how it happened, but I was thinking… What if she was killed by Jin Zixuan’s sword? We know Wei Wuxian stopped using his. From this shot we know he wasn’t the one who stabbed her, so was it Wen Ning? It’s obvious he was involved in the tragedy. As far as I know SPOILERS Wen Ning killed Jin Zixuan. If the killer sword is the one we know – if it’s Jin Zixuan’s then Wei’s reflection in this episode has a deeper meaning.)

Bahahaha I feel you, honor student. I like the kids.

(Honestly, they balance the humor and the serious stuff masterfully.)

I died.

This is giving me Gantz PTSD. That shit gave me nightmares. Nephew is really bold.

(I believe Jin Ling has some of his Uncle Wei’s recklessness and hero complex, but he also wants to prove himself just like his other two Uncles. I’ll talk more about them in another post.)

Uuhh, Wei is playing the flute! Risky, I like it.

(Ok, people. Be prepared for the ultimate face palm.)

Oh my god! Don’t tell me he summoned his own body! This resembles the scene from the narration… and he’s wearing black!

I’m right! Nephew wants revenge! Great shot by the way. You can feel the rage in the movement.

(You face palmed yet?)

I really love the way they use the flute! It depicts the flow of the camera so well!

… Wen… Wen what? Wen Ning? Who’s Wen Ning? What? Wait, are they talking about the corpse? What’s going on??? O_O Who’s Wen Ning?! Did I miss something? What’s the full name of the MC again? Ugh… This is so tiring… Ok, never mind, enjoy the beautiful flute song.

Busted!

I swear to god, this guy is illegal!

Oh, boy he figured it out too and he’s… sadistically happy? Eh… But, I get it. If he believes that Wei killed his sister, I get it. And her husband? Did he “kill” the dad, too?

I can’t believe he has a whip AND a braid? And he’s purple??? Did someone look into my diary? Is it Christmas yet? XD Am I dead?

Did he just smile? Am I imagining things? XD I can’t figure him out!

Please! Don’t lie, white dude! “He’s path is uncommon”, yeah right, we all know what you want.

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I’VE SEEN AND HEARD IN MY LIFE.

(This would have annoyed anyone no matter who said it, but because it was Wei Wuxian, I think it was even more annoying in Jiang Cheng’s head. Wei Wuxian knows him too well. It’s even funnier when you know that JC is blacklisted. XD He’s no good even to the lunatic.)

And at this exact moment Wei knew he fucked up. XD This is golden. 

... Please DON’T turn into rape BL.

(It so DID NOT.)

Oh Wei, you’re no match for this guy! :D

Hmm, looks like we’re going back in time. I love me some juicy flashbacks. Can’t wait to see more.

... I can’t believe I actually like this zombie BL. I just hope they don’t fuck up the animation later on.

(And the rest is history. As you can see - I’m obsessed.)

-----

That’s all for today! Next posts will have more character, story and art analysis. Hope you liked this and please forgive me for making this so long. See you! 

[mentallydatingahotcelebrity]

My Friend Saw Ragnarok

Here’s her opinion on it. Warning: she’s a writer. She only has a “casual” interest in Marvel; ie she’s not a fan of Loki, is mildly interested in the MCU as a whole, and only talks about it cause it’s all I talk about outside of our writing. (We’re both writers.) Here you have it, an outside opinion of Ragnarok: 

(second warning: this is unedited except for some things I think would be hard for people to understand, which I revised to be understandable.)

LOL YES ugh. It was just bad. Okay, to compare, GotG was like that. I almost didn't like those movies the first time around because they're one of those movies where nothing is really explained, you just sort of have to go into it blindly accepting all of these random alien life forms we've never seen before and their powers and planets and scientific laws and such. It was hard for me as someone who likes a lot of reasons and lore for things, to just jump in and be swept into the current. But then they started to grow on me because once you watch them again, the nonsense of it makes sense. That's the point, that you're just suddenly joining this world that you've never seen before and just have to jump in feet first and go with it. Sakaar was like that in a bad way. The aesthetics were terrible, like I said. Literally Star Wars meets Teletubbies meets the Exodar (from World of Warcraft).

(there’s Exodar so you have a visual)

Oh and throw in some... I dunno, 70s space themes or something??? It was just BAD.

And the Exodar was BEAUTIFUL and I looove the Star Wars themes, Teletubbies, not so much LOL But mash all 3 of those together and it's terrible. Just terrible. None of those things belong together. It's like trying to put two magnets together, end to end. It's just a freakin mess and you just sit there, your muscles all locked up, trying to get it to work but it's just not happening.

And WHAT was that wretched prison/holding cell thing where the fighters were kept? That was just weird, and why did you only ever see TWO freakin gladiators?? And the rock guy was kind of cool, like you really wanted to like him but the rock appearance with his weird high pitched voice just wasn't doing it for me, and then that other alien guy who I couldn't even describe to you visually because we never saw him long enough to know what his features were. And obviously Hulk was living in the champion's bedroom, so that was that; but whyyyy did they put Thor in there with him?? It was such a bad plot point because it was just way too convenient. Like "This guy lost because we zapped him at the last second because [who knows why]. Let's throw him in the same room as our champion instead of tossing him back in the pen with the other 2 low-lifes."

There were so many other fighters outside the colosseum getting ready to fight; where WERE those guys?? We never saw them. This whole movie was like convenience to convenience. It was like reading an indie novel. Nothing extra is ever shown,only exactly what you'd expect and exactly what was needed for each scene. You might, if you're lucky, see a rare moment where a really neat plot point or worldbuilding things was implemented, but those moments were more like flukes than anything else.

The plot overall was "okay". I wasn't floored, but it had good substance underneath all that crap.

 Odin dying, Loki and Thor having to work together to defeat Hela, Asgard being taken over while Thor is stuck in some other planet as a lowly gladiator. It had good potential, but I dunno. It was one of those movies where you felt like you were always waiting for something that never came. And in the end you're not even sure what that one thing was that you were waiting for, but you finish the movie just feeling like you never got to see "it", whatever it was.

It's hard for me to judge or compare specifically because I never did see The Dark World and it's been yearrrs since I saw the original Thor.

I really liked that Hulk/Banner had a ton of screen time. I feel like he's sort of in the background of a lot of the Avengers movies, and he never did get his own movie, so it was neat to really see a lot of him. On the other side of that though, his arc was totally flat. There was nothing to it, there was nothing that made him grow or change. He was just Hulk, and then he wasn't, and then he went Hulk again in a little sacrificial moment and just stayed that way. His arc was like a really flat line with a tiny little blip in the middle where he saw Black Widow on the screen and changed back and was all confused and had that emotional moment. Then maybe another blip where he decided to go Hulk to save the Asgardians on the bridge.

Valkyrie (idr her real name) was okay. She had the potential to have a really cool arc too, getting defeated by Hela forever ago and just sinking into that abyss of being a random collector for the GM and drinking her memories away. But I felt like she stayed flat for a long time too, until finally her arc shot upwards at a 90 degree angle when she decided to help Thor after all. And after what? After Loki showed her her memories? That was it? Like she already KNEW all that, that shouldn't have been her major changing point. Also the fact that Thor just HAPPENED to find her armor on the orgy ship just FRIED me to pieces. It's those little things, guys, those little things. You can't just pull that stuff out of thin air. It's bad planning and makes the plot cheap.

Hela was another one that was just "okay." I kind of kept waiting for some real substance from her, but she just didn't have any. Once again, it was just sheer convenience that they find Odin, spend like 36 seconds with him, he tells them he's dying, Hela is coming, there's nothign they can do, he dies, she appears instantaneously and BAM. Everything is wrecked in one moment. And I felt like there was no arc for her either. I never really remember hearing about her previous to this movie, so suddenly Odin just comes out with the fact that he has a daughter that he locked away, etc etc. And we never got to see any backstory or anything on her. She just "was" and then at the end, she just "wasn't" anymore. Like she just blinked in and out. I know her story is part of the real mythology, but it felt like they were just like "Okay we have no threads left to play with from the previous movies, what else can we do?" and just pulled her out of the lore and plopped her in there. The only thing we saw of her story was when she went in the hall and broke the tiles off the ceiling and we saw the "ONE" picture of her and Odin side by side, and are basically left to imagine the rest in our heads. FLAT.

And the Odin thing felt weird to me too. It felt rushed and strange and so disappointing. I never saw TDW like I said, so I dunno what led up to that, but why was he in that "rest home" apparently? Sent there by Loki or something? And then they get there and the building is torn down? That made no sense to me. Maybe it would have if I had seen TDW. But then they find him out in Norway or whatever (I did really love the Dr Strange part) and there he sits in his terrible fashion, almost on the verge of going insane because he's so near death, but he didn't really look sick or weak, just hella old. And he's all "My time has come" and with no more warning or reason than that, he just disintegrates into nothing. Like I always expected that when Odin died, it would be this HUGE thing. Like I would expect some great moment with good music where everyone around him is all tearfully saying goodbye and then all of Asgard is mourning him. Not him going broken-glowstick on a cliff in Norway wearing horrible clothes with only Thor and Loki to see. And they didn't even seem that broken. Thor was more broken by Loki's death in IW (who he only likes about 50% of the time) than he was over his father's death who he loved dearly from what I remember.

And last but not least, Thor's arc itself was.... I dunno even. His was a weird one. His was kind of up and down. Like he lost him hammer, and I would expect some HUGE moment from him after that. Like tearing up or being angry or defeated or something but then they just shot him off to that trash planet and he was so caught up in all that weirdness there, that we never got a good moment from him. It just went like 70s hookah party so fast, that we never got any real emotion from him. And then he never had a moment of weakness. Never that "this is too hard, I'm giving this all up" like all characters have to have. He literally never lost his drive to fight, which would have been cool if there was some epic force behind that, driving him to keep pushing forward, but they really lacked on showing us why he wanted to rescue Asgard so badly. I mean he's Thor, he shouldn't need a reason, but they never let us see the emotion behind that, or let us see some tender moment where he's sitting there telling some story of Asgard and his father or Loki or his mother or anything, and talking about why it means so much to him. The only time he wanted to give up was when he went to fight Hela, and all she did was barely knock him around (less than what Banner did to him, might I add) and then suddenly it was "Poor me, I can't do this. This is too hard." They had it so backwards. He was all amped up and driven to fight her, and all cocky about it, and she smacks him around for a few minutes and suddenly he's like "I can't do this." It was just really weird placement for me.

Literally the ONLY person in the entire movie who had a good arc, was the Executioner. (idr his real name either lol) He shows up, sort of this irresponsible guy , just using his position to get girls and get "things", and then Hela comes and he has no real morales and is kind of a coward who doesn't want to stand up to her so he becomes her second hand guy. First you see him following her around like a puppy, and then he goes from that to actually carrying out her orders. (GROWTH. Even though it was in a negative direction.) Then there's that moment when Hela pulls that girl out of the crowd and tells him to kill her, and he actually hesitates for half a moment, which was SO GOOD because it made him deep. It made you realize he had regrets about it, deep inside. But then he pushes those thoughts away and goes to kill her anyway. So now you know he's totally sold out to the villain's side of things. Then towards the end, when Hela starts to lose, he goes coward, and hides away on the ship with the other Asgardians. (More change and growth, even though again, it was for the negative.) Then at the last minute, when their ship is being overrun, he makes that final decision to forget what Hela wants him to do, to forget his fears, and do what he knows in his heart is right, which was to save his people. And he does, and he dies for it. It was really brilliant. It was such a beautiful, full circle of a character.

Also he was the only one that had GOOD armor. I loved his costume and armor. Everyone else's was crap, but his was good.

I still didn't really like him that much, cause he was kind of cliche, but he was literally the best arc out of all of them, if that tells you anything.

Last but not least, they just tried waaay too hard to be funny. It was like watching some kids’ show, like Frozen or something, where all the sudden things get really meaningful or deep, and you start to feel that moving feeling in your chest like "Okay, I like where this is going." and then some random character pops their head in with some stupid comic relief and ruins the whole thing. The whole movie felt like comic relief to me. There were moments that felt natural and funny, like a few of the moments between Loki and THor, or Banner and Thor, that felt so original to the Avengers movies and I loved that. Avengers is supposed to be funny, because that's how they've always written it, but it's never just PURE humor like Ragnarok. Even Iron Man is more serious than that, and he's like the most humorous out of all of them. So I hated that they kept ruining these good moments with stupid quips or weird things.

You know what it felt like? It felt like if they let the Grandmaster actually write and direct the plot himself. "Hmm you know, I woke up this morning feeling like a public execution." And then he just does it, and what we're left with is Ragnarok.

Overall, it had such good potential but it just fell so flat.

[justaramblingromantic]

superheroes need childcare benefits too

Characters/Pairing: Kobayashi Rindou, Tsukasa Eishi, Tsukasa Hi’en (OC)/EiRin

Type: Superhero!Family!AU, Freestyle

Word Count: 3071

A/N: Inspired by this post. 

This drabble has been sitting in my draft pile for a couple of months already, I think? I was fooling around with the random super power generator and decided to write out something with the results I got, just for fun. Was also in the mood to write cute baby things...so there was that, too, lol. 

The thing about being a superhero was that the benefits suck.

There were no such thing as paid leave or annual bonuses and the nature of the work was akin to voluntary military service to the country so it wasn’t exactly very high paying in the first place, either. In fact, it was something like an anonymous, part time obligation to society on top of juggling a ‘normal’ day job and whatever life issues and familial commitments the ‘normal’ population had to deal with…only maybe with a bit more explosions and dangerous, life-threatening events randomly thrown into the mix.

You get to meet all sorts of interesting people with interesting abilities too, and then, depending on their intentions and alignments, you try your hardest to incapacitate, or outright kill, each other. Fun times.

Rindou quite enjoyed it, actually. The thrill of living a secret double life. The excitement and unpredictability that came with every mission. And who would not enjoy being a superhero? Her partner was something amazing too, and they worked together seamlessly. Their abilities complemented each other extremely well, and after all the years of being paired together, their teamwork was one of the best in the country, for their rank and specialty type, even.

That was just as well, since they were partners in every meaning of the word. They had known each other from a young age and had only grown closer over the years, from teammates to best friends to lovers.

Recently, they had also become parents. And with parenthood, came responsibilities that both were suddenly acutely conscious of, towards the tiny young life that they had made together. Being reckless for the sake of having fun was no longer acceptable. They had to be more careful during assignments now, and for the moment at least, they had also agreed that both should not be going on call at the same time – one would remain at home on baby watch while the other was out performing their civic duty.

“Rindou.” Eishi’s calm, smooth voice spoke over the comm earpiece that she was wearing. “Are you heading home soon?”

“Mm,” she replied distractedly, concentrating on focusing her powers and directing them to work as she intended. Her abilities had always been a bit on the wild side and not very easy to control, and she constantly had to work on them so that they would not get the better of her.

It was a simple rescue mission this time. There was a serious collision between two freight vessels off the shores of Tokyo, just sitting on one of the major shipping routes. She had been activated by the agency because her powers were probably the most useful to deal with an incident of this scale involving huge mobile constructs. The crews of both vessels had already been evacuated and airlifted out of the scene so now it was her turn to flex her muscles and get down to business.

“Can you swing by the store for some milk and eggs on the way back? We ran out.”

“’Kay~” Slit gold eyes grew unnaturally bright as she concentrated, willing all her energy into intense mental focus. Visualizing the bright, glowing rope of power in her mind’s eye, she proceeded to grab firmly onto it and give it a mighty heave.

Just like that, the atmospheric pressure dropped, and the energy around her shifted.

Hovering midair over the vast ocean, a mere fifty feet above where the partially submerged cargo ships were rapidly taking in water and about to sink right in the middle of the high sea traffic zone, the redhead watched musingly as a couple hundred thousand tonnage of steel and freight creaked and groaned ominously as the absolute laws of physics were exerted on them…in an entirely unnatural way.

“Is there anything else that you want me to pick up, dear husband?” she asked cheerfully. She was in a good mood today, and for obvious reasons. The sun was shining overhead, the weather was great. All in all, it was a really nice day to be out and about, even if she had to help haul back to the bay two huge ass ships.

There was a pause, and then her significant other remarked. “You’re just really happy to be finally out of the house, aren’t you?”

Before Rindou could respond, a loud, unintelligible squawk transmitted through the earpiece, followed by what sounded like awkward, unsteady flapping. Both parents winced at the ringing, pitched cry.

“Is that En-chan? What’s he doin’? He sounds energetic.”

“Our son is sitting on my shoulder.” Was Eishi’s reply. “I think he’s screaming for you.”

She could not help but grin at the mental imagery of her somewhat ruffled mate having to stay at home wrestling with their quirky and unruly offspring. The baby was barely six months old but the rapid manifestation of his unique abilities meant that his parents never quite knew what to expect next when it came to him. Regardless, Rindou still thought that her son was the best thing since sliced bread. Eishi more or less rolled with the lofty opinion because he largely felt the same way ever since they handed him the squalling newborn straight out of the delivery suite.

“Geeze, he’s probably just hungry again. Feed him well, Tsukasa~!”

The semi-submerged vessels were no longer sinking. If anything, they were expelling water at an incredible, exponential rate, and starting to recover miraculously from their previous, badly listing conditions. Rindou kept a halfhearted eye on the ships, but her attention was caught more by the slight commotion coming from the other end of the line.

Eishi muttered. “He doesn’t want his bottle. I don’t think he’s even interested in milk right now.”

More indignant chirruping and belligerent rustling could be heard from the other end of the line. The older of the two also seemed to be having quite a time of it pacifying the younger one. “En, settle down. I know you hear her voice, but your mother’s not here.”

There was a querying, unhappy cry of what sounded like a young eaglet. By then, Rindou could not contain her curiosity any longer. Her son had been a normal human baby (a super cute, chubby cheeked one) when she had left the house, but apparently that was no longer the case. She would have been more worried as a mother if not for the fact that this peculiar occurrence happened too often for her to be alarmed anymore. In their household, this type of situation was only normal, when one’s offspring possessed the rare ability to randomly shapeshift.

“Eh? What did En-chan become this time? How come all the interesting things happen only when you’re home alone with him? That’s hardly fair at all!”

There was a brief pause as her husband struggled not to share his actual thoughts on the matter, which more or less amounted to how he would rather have preferred not to have anything interesting happen at all when he was left in charge of watching their only child. Because Hi’en was still very, very young and had no control whatsoever over his powers, the infant often randomly shifted into supernatural creatures that had only been heard of and read about in myths and legends. The first time it happened, the boy was only a couple of months old when he abruptly turned into a phoenix chick, and when the panicked parents found the young creature floundering about in their son’s cot, they had initially thought that someone had stolen their precious offspring only to replace it with this strange looking…scraggly, angry baby bird of unidentified origins…and that which could also random burst into fire.

The problem with their child being able to shapeshift into random mythical creatures was that when he was in those forms, feeding and caring for his needs became a unique challenge. Sometimes Hi’en would stay in one creature form for an hour at most before popping back to his sleepy human baby self, other times, he stuck with whatever form he was most comfortable with for days on end and that was when his parents abruptly realized that (mythical) animal husbandry had also became an important prerequisite when it came to parenthood. This time was no different.

Eishi observed his awkwardly flailing son, all wings, talons, feathers…paws, claws and tail. The wings on the back were still small and not yet fully developed, the feathers all fluffy brownish-bronze baby down and not even molting anytime soon. The body was that of a very young lion cub; soft russet gold fur still speckled with camouflaging spots and clumsy, tapering tail fat and stubby from infancy. The front limbs ended in raptorial, razor talons and the back limbs in feline paws and equally sharp pinprick claws. A fuzzy, aquiline face with beady golden eyes and a sharp hooked beak paid rapt attention to his male parent, who was squinting at the youngster just as discerningly.

Hi’en let loose a series of demanding chirrups and clumsily headbutted his father for attention. Eishi plucked the youngling who had insisted on climbing precariously onto his shoulder when he heard his mother’s voice earlier and cradled his cat-sized child against his chest, barely even flinching when the baby dug his tiny claws into his forearms for stability. The white-haired man balanced the cellphone between his ear and shoulder, distractedly replying Rindou even as he padded into the kitchen with the fussing cub in tow.

“I think he turned into a griffin this time.”

“…Huh. What do those eat?”

That was a very good question, and one which the young parents found themselves asking almost every other week these days.

In the background, the massive constructs that were the damaged shipping vessels were now floating lightly on the shimmering ocean surface, delicate as a pair of drifting feathers. Thanks to her abilities to manipulate gravity and air, sending the ships back to the shipyard for repair would be a breeze. Pun intended.

“Think the packet of raw chicken sitting in the freezer will work?” Rindou asked as she started to gather and shape the climate to obey her will. Her gaze turned upwards, watching the gigantic nimbuses roll in and dim the skies overhead. The barometric pressure quickly dropped further, and the ambient wind speed started to pick up. The previously calm, tranquil waters became more restless, choppy, though not turbulent enough to send the ships back down to the bottom of the ocean. Rindou exerted her will and steadily pushed.

The two vessels slowly started to move, the howling gale and reduced inertia enough to set them both limping in the direction of port. Rindou trailed her responsibilities closely, making sure that they would reach their destination with no unforeseen accidents along the way.

Back home, Eishi obligingly popped open the door of the freezer compartment and pulled out the cellophane wrapped tray of chicken. He presented it to Hi’en, who nudged at the Styrofoam curiously with his beak before recoiling from it with disdain.

“No?” he asked the little griffin. His son peered at him briefly with his slit gold eyes before deciding that his father’s shirt buttons were much more interesting. He started to peck at one of them, trying to pry it off.

“I’ll defrost and cut the meat into smaller strips to see if he wants it,” Eishi spoke into the phone, shutting the freezer door and setting the packet of chicken on the counter to thaw. “I think we should find that anthropology professor at the university again and seek his opinion, just in case.”

Rindou grimaced at the thought of meeting the suspicious, twitchy man once more. She was pretty sure that the man was starting to suspect that something weird was going on with the overly insistent couple who kept asking him overly specific questions regarding the diets and behavioral patterns of legendary creatures that should not exist.

“Alright, if you feel that’s gonna help.” An excellent idea struck her. “Maybe En-chan would want fresh seafood instead. I can rustle up a waterspout and bring some catch of the day home!”

“…Please don’t do that.” Eishi was quick to shoot down the idea before his mate could run wild with it. The last time she did something similar in a misguided attempt at domesticity while harboring delusions of a homemade dinner, it rained fish intermittently over the city for an entire day. “The agency frowns upon that sort of power misuse and we don’t have enough fridge space.”

Rindou grumbled. What use were her powers even if she couldn’t apply them for little things like that?

“Come home soon,” Eishi continued. Their child lifted his head from where he had been gnawing at his father’s shirt and chimed in with an accompanying series of inquisitive peeps and chirps. “We’re looking forward to your safe return.”

Despite her disgruntlement, Rindou’s cheeks warmed happily. “Then I shall, since you asked so nicely.”

When two beings with the recessive mutated genome that gave them unique abilities produce an offspring, it is virtually guaranteed that their progeny would inherit the same metamorphosed DNA sequence as well. However, just because that peculiar gene had been passed down from parents to child did not mean that the latter would end up with the same type of ultra-abilities that either parental units had. As such, having children when one possessed superpowers was very much like entering a lucky draw.

There is an implicit understanding that there will be a special prize, but what it is exactly or how useful it will be is something entirely up in the air until the child’s powers finally chooses to establish themselves.

Even before the birth of their son, Eishi and Rindou had already decided on his name out of two reasons.

The first was for bond. Both parents were distinct air types and spent so much of their time in the skies that they might as well have been born birds themselves. They had flown together, fought together, courted, loved. Their mutual joy, their steadfast devotion to each other… Hi’en was the precious culmination of all this happiness.

The second was for blessing. It was the parents’ sincerest wish for their firstborn that he would always be able to fly as far and as freely as he wanted to, just like a brave and lithe swallow, unfazed and unhindered by all the challenges that he would ever meet in life.

When Hi’en’s powers initially manifested in an unexpected way that turned him into a firebird, his parents wondered if they had perhaps named him a bit too aptly. Even though the kanji ‘Hi’ in his name translated to ‘flight,’ it also shared the same pronunciation for the kanji that denoted ‘fire.’  

Regardless of the fact that their child’s abilities bore no similarities whatsoever with theirs, his parents remained endlessly delighted and fascinated with their strange little chick. All of his little milestones and progresses Eishi noted down meticulously and Rindou cheered for with pride and glee. Hi’en was developing physically and mentally faster than the average infant, though in all likelihood it was because he was switching forms so often. However, all that growing was exhausting for the young baby, and so he ate a lot, and then he slept a lot.

When Rindou returned that evening, it was to a quiet apartment with the lights dimmed. There was a flickering glow emanating from the living room, and when she exchanged her shoes for indoor ones at the genkan and went down the hallway, she discovered that the source of light was from the television, the volume muted so that only the images were playing across the screen. Eishi was sprawled out in the middle of the couch strewn all over with toys, his eyes closed, faintly, halfheartedly humming a lulling song. Curled against his chest was a little ball of fur and feathers, and the little thing must have tuckered himself out after running his father ragged all day, for he barely stirred even when his female parent approached and sank onto the adjacent cushions.

Eishi cracked opened one eye, sleepy lavender meeting quietly amused gold.

“…Okaeri,” he greeted his mate softly. He wasn’t exactly his usual neat, immaculate self. It appeared that even possessing the ability of accelerated thought process was no match to counter the sheer unpredictability of a small but determined infant. Eishi’s hair looked like he had run his hands through it several times that evening alone, his shirt was missing some buttons and partially untucked, and there were unidentifiable stains on his jeans and also on his collar. She thought that he looked manly and attractive all the same, exuding responsible daddy vibes, very irresistible.

“Tadaima,” she mouthed back. Her hand came up, fingers brushing over his crown, trying to help arrange the unrulier locks into some semblance of order. “Looks like you had a nice time with En-chan,” she drawled innocuously, trying not to grin at his visibly disheveled expression. She petted his hair affectionately, at the same time leaning in to brush her lips against his jaw. “You’ve worked hard today, papa~”

He silently tilted his head against hers, his arms already occupied cradling their child. Rindou’s gaze lowered onto where Hi’en was quietly sleeping. His fuzzy little face was barely visible, tucked under one downy front limb as he continued to doze, his little torso gently rising and falling with the cadence of his deep, steady breathing. Just looking at her son made her very happy, regardless of what form he chose to take. He was safe and protected, he was perfectly healthy, and he was growing up well. That was all that mattered.

“…Ah. I forgot the milk and eggs.”

Eishi’s eyes had closed again, and he leaned just a little more into her before she could move away.

“Let’s do that tomorrow… Stay.”

…So maybe she wasn’t the only one who felt a bit lonely now that they wouldn’t be able to take missions together, at least not in the immediate future.

She snuggled down beside him, this boy she loved first long before he gave her another to dote on and adore. Their family might be small and there were also times when it felt like they had no idea what they were doing, but to her, this was perfect.

“’Kay.”

Eishi: Accelerated Thought Process, Mid-Air Combat

Rindou: Gravity Manipulation, Primordial Air Manipulation

Hi’en: Mythical Bestiary, Electric-Fire Manipulation

Chouko: Faithifery, Existence Sense

[omg-kat]

25 Questions Tag

Thanks for tagging me @el-norawrites !!! ♥♥

1. Is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

I don’t update Eight. Sideways. as much as I should D:

2. What work of yours, if any, are you embarrassed about existing?

Uh... yes. That’s all you get lol

3. What order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favorite scenes first? Something else?

l generally plan things in order but I get ideas for things for later on so I copy those ideas down and plug them in when I get there. As far as writing goes, I have to go from the beginning, honestly. Too many things change as I’m writing for me to write future scenes. 

4. Favorite character you’ve written? 

Denne and the best part is that she’s SUPPOSED to be awesome, so I get to put all of the best traits into her character. She’s just so fucking cool.

5. Character you were most surprised to end up writing?

I can’t say the name because it’s supposed to be a surprise -- I’ve always loved a good tsundere (kinda like Zuko) and I never thought I’d get the opportunity to write one with such an interesting personality. I can’t wait for you to guys to meet this character, hate them, and then eventually realize that you’ve been falling in love with them the whole time :)

6. Something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

Never too late baby! That’s how I write anyway; first you build the skeleton. Then you go back and add some organs and muscles and fat. Then you go back again and you’re like “omg if I add some skin and eyes and hair I’ve actually proven that god exists and it is me. wow”

7. When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

Depends on who it is. Mostly I’m proud but I also don’t want to be “that person” who talks about their novel all the time lol

8. Favorite genre to write

fantasy is fun because I can do whatever I want :D

9. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

literally everything.

10. Write in silence or with background music? Alone or with others?

Music, and maybe a few people. Sometimes I’m in the mood for silence, though.

11. What aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

All of it? It’s crazy to read the stuff I wrote when I was 19 holy crap. It was good but now I’m... better?! whoa when did that happen???

12. Your weaknesses as an author?

The millions of ways to say one thing and for some reason I have to try ALL OF THEM OUT until I hit the perfect one lol It gets tedius

13. Your strengths as an author? 

Naming characters, worldbuilding, mythos, emotion, getting better at pacing too!

14. Do you make playlists for your work?

No my dudes I listen to LoFi hiphop radio 24/7 or some sort of vaporwave radio station lol It’s just really easy to write to

15. Why did you start writing?

I hate speaking. I never feel like I’m being clear enough, like nobody understands what I’m trying to say. But when I write, people just GET it. It comes naturally for me. I feel most understood when I write something out, rather than trying to verbalize it. That feels amazing. 

16. Are there any characters who haunt you?

As far as cringy shit, yeah probably earlier works about Pandora. she was pretty problematic lol Like me, though, she grew and learned and now she’s not so problematic anymore so I guess she doesn’t really haunt me...

17. If you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

holy crap, keep writing it’s awesome. you have no idea how much better you get just by writing as much as possible. ♥

18. Were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? What were they?

Like J. R. R. Tolkien, I’m going to describe the FUCK out of this mountain AND YOU’RE GONNA LIKE IT GOD DAMNIT

19. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

My google drive and I hope that never comes back to bite me in the ass omg :(

20. Do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

Both, just depends on how I’m feeling or what I’m up to that day

21. What do you think when you read over your older work?

Your heart was in the right place, kiddo. I like your moxie ♥ 

22. Are there subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

I can’t and will never write about rape. It’s just not a subject I’ll do.

23. Any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

I’m a barista and Mica was a bartender and I like to say barista and bartenders are like flavor engineers lol

24. Have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story? 

I guess I know more about MMA fighters and fighting styles now XD

25. Copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of.

Am I floating?

Mica felt herself spreading, flowing, souring. Bliss. She had never felt so free before. The void called to her. She tried to reach out towards it, but the weightlessness was fading. A different force was pushing her away now, too strong for her to fight. The pressure shoved her downward. Physical sensations began creeping back, but this time the pain was gone, replaced with strange cramped feeling, like putting on shoes someone else has worn in. It fit, but not in the right places.  

Awwwww yiss I’m gonna tag @adorhauer my tag game buddy ♥ and @youdontneedoxegyntoburn I’m gonna tag you again too XD

[slamsams-blog]

Goldfinger - #24WeeksofBond

We continue our Bond marathon with an absolute banger of a movie - Goldfinger.  When you think of James Bond, this movie might come to mind.  There are so many classic lines, scenes, and characters in this movie that it is really hard to make the case of this film not being one of the best Bond films ever.  In fact, until Goldeneye, this film was the bar when it came to James Bond.  The franchise saw many crests in its lifetime, but unfortunately, it would never reach this level of excellence.  Now a days, we have a few Daniel Craig movies to insert into the “Best James Bond Movie Ever” conversation in Casino Royale, and Skyfall.  This is Sean Connery at his absolute peak.

Honestly, I’m finding some difficulty in unpacking all of this because this film is just so precious that I don’t want to do this blog an injustice of underselling this movie.  This film has a wonderful, easy to follow plot, some cleverly crafted writing, and characters that have lasted forever.  In some ways, this film could be viewed as the Bond film that started Bond as we know it today.  Dr.No, and From Russia With Love hit a few singles for the franchise, but Goldfinger comes to the plate and hits a home run putting the Bond franchise in a very comfortable lead and giving it the momentum it needed to last as long as it has.  If not for Goldfinger, Bond could have only lasted for a few more years.

Sean Connery is hitting on all cylinders here.  He seems to have all the swag and confidence in the world, having played Bond twice now he really seems to have a grasp on this character.  Remember that Connery is the man who made Bond, Bond.  There was no man before him to learn from, only the fictional James Bond you would find in the books.  And for a relatively unknown at the time...that is quite the responsibility to take on a franchise that everyone is expecting to be amazing, when nobody knows who you are.  Well, Sean Connery did and now here he is at the top of his game.

Even starting with the pre-title sequence...a classic scene where Bond enters from the water in a wet suit and lays out some plastic explosives...only to take the wet suit off to reveal a white tuxedo that still has the steam coming off of it from the dry cleaners.  I mean, that’s Bond in a nutshell right there.  After this, we then move into the title sequence that would set a trend for Bond movies for decades - a title song.  Shirley Bassey sets the tone of the film with an intoxicating, and eerie performance of “Goldfinger” that kind of stays in your head for a few hours after hearing it.

The film opens in Miami where Bond is being put up in a high end resort to keep an eye out for a man named Auric Goldfinger (Gert Fröbe).  Apparently Goldfinger has sprung the curiosity of the British Government because of how much gold he is moving around the country.  Bond sees Goldfinger playing Gin Rummy with a guy, and finds his suite to discover that he has been cheating at cards with his paid side-piece Jill Masterson spying on his opponent.  Of course Bond breaks up the party and makes Goldfinger start losing which leads us to lovely Jill Masterson being asphyxiated by gold paint.  Classic scene...however I’m curious about the dig at the Beatles...(Just as bad as listening to the Beatles without ear muffs.). Oddjob must’ve been a Beatles fan which is why he knocks out Bond right after this comment.

After Jill’s death, M puts Bond on the mission to find out all he can about Goldfinger and to figure out what he is up to.  So Bond meets Goldfinger for a relaxing game is golf.  Man oh man do I love this scene.  A classic set up between Bond and villain where villain knows that this ain’t a coincidence so they both start trying to play each other.  Bond whips out his big gold bar and Goldfinger ups the ante to put it on the line, exercising strict rules of golf to give himself an advantage.  Bond expertly switches Goldfinger’s golf balls before the final hole, sealing the victory for Bond.  Just so simplistic, & fun to watch.  I love Bond’s relationship he develops with his caddy.

To spare you the lengthy, scene by scene description of the film, it turns out Goldfinger is trying to set off an atomic bomb in Fort Knox which would drive the value of his gold up by hundreds of thousands of pounds, all the while trying to set this up as a basic bank robbery.  Bond finds out about Goldfinger’s operation while spying on his facility late at night where he will eventually get caught and tied up to a table with a laser slowly moving up to his crotch.  Again, a classic scene where Bond says “You expect me to talk?” to which Goldfinger replies “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”.  You just can’t write that any better.

After Bond convinces Goldfinger that he is worth more alive, Bond is tranquilized and later wakes up to the site of one Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman).  She may be more famous by her name, but this is the first time we see a strong women who isn’t just good looks as the leading female.  This will also start the trend of naming female characters as puns.  (Holly Goodhead, Chu Me, Jenny Flex, Xena Onatopp, etc.). Not that that was a crucial part of the Bond franchise, but it definitely became a signature that was eventually smoked out come the Daniel Craig era.

Honor does a fine job here, I wouldn’t say her character is written the best or that her character is given the proper chance to shine, which is why I would say that her performance simply is remembered by her name alone.  Pussy Galore sounds ridiculously vulgar now a days, but back in the 60s it wasn’t.  Her originally name was supposed to be Kitty Galore, but they opted for Pussy Galore, because Kitty Galore was too vulgar...lol.  

What I REALLY love about this film is Oddjob (Harold Sakate).  Oddjob is the quintessential quiet muscle man of a henchman who has a signature weapon in his top hat.  He can frolf with his hat to kill people, basically.  Oddjob was an olympic weightlifter and professional wrestler named Tosh Togo.  He was stout, bulky, and stoic and really made you buy into the threat of his strength and frolfing skills.  This of course comes to a head in the end when Bond is handcuffed to the atomic bomb in the vault with Oddjob and they battle it out.  I love these old fight scenes where the only thing playing in the background is the sound of the bomb timer.  This gives the fight more urgency as it’s an added layer of danger.   

Another classic addition that would influence future Bond films is the Aston Martin car.  Q is unleashed in this film as the over worked and underpaid government worker who makes gadgets, and who doesn’t have time for Bond’s games.  Q tells Bond about his new car and lets him know there is an ejector seat to which Bond says “Ejector seat?  You’re joking!” and Q brilliantly says “I never joke about my work, 007″.  

I mean, everything I am pointing out here is groundwork for the future of the Bond franchise.  The exotic cars, the dangerous henchmen, the women who had jerks for parents in naming them, the theme song, the list goes on and on...Goldfinger, to me, is the bar as far as James Bond films go.  I love this film so much where it was very hard to say that any other Bond film was better.  This easily sits in my top 3 with Goldeneye and Skyfall.

This film would be the third and best film of the Sean Connery era.  Connery would still see success in his films, but tensions between him and the studio execs would start to mount as Connery was fearing the type casting that he might see because of his longevity with the character and getting tired of the grueling schedule. (His first three films came out in three years).  But despite all that, Goldfinger will live on forever as one of the best Bond films in the history of the franchise.

What did you think, and where does it sit in your top three?

Reviews from Friends:

Jamie Gray

Not my favorite Bond movie, but DEFINITELY my fav and the best Bond theme song except for The world is not enough. I said what I said.

24 Weeks of Bond will continue next Monday with - 

The Spy Who Loved Me

[deathtonormalcy56]

Full Circle

Prompt: “Nipples is not a name!”

Characters: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Fluff, literally just fluff

Word Count: 1375

A/N: This is my entry for Cam’s (@babypieandwhiskey) 200 follower writing challenge. It’s a little late, but thanks for being so sweet and working with me. (: This is also the first thing I’ve written in a while so please bear with me, my creative side has been getting placed on the back burner thanks to engineering stuff. It’s unbeta’d so any mistakes are mine. But yeah, hopefully this isn’t terrible lol. 

“Dean!”

“What? That’s totally an option.”

Your eyebrows scrunched together as you glared at the older Winchester boy. He had been your next door neighbor since you were toddlers, but as years passed and melded into the grandeur of being a teen, one thing had never changed – Dean was still a pain in your ass.

Shaking your head softly, you watched him shrug his shoulders. “I mean the thing has twenty of ‘em already,” Dean nudged the playground sand with the front of his boot, a puff of dust covering the weathered material, “Don’t see the big deal in giving it an accurate name.”

“She.”

He caught your eye as you swayed slowly on the rickety swing set, “What was that?”

“She,” you reiterated, “Not ‘it’, she.”

The squeaking of rusted bolts, and chirping crickets filled the thickening night air as Dean mulled over your response. His tongue grazed his bottom lip before his face lit up with a toothy grin. “Well she deserves a proper name,” he answered, emphasizing the pronoun, “and I already gave ya’ one.”

“Nipples is not a name!” you exclaimed before playfully punching him on his bicep. The action pushed his swing to the outer side, only for him to come back in and collide with you. Dean chuckled as you struggled to keep your balance on the plastic seat and regain control.

Easily he took hold of the metal chain and steadied your movement. “You didn’t have to do that,” you scowled at him, your cheeks flushed with embarrassment, “I was more than capable of doing it myself.”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart,” Dean snickered, bringing his hand back into the pocket of his leather jacket.

Glancing up to hide the small smile at the endearment, you scanned the sky. The night was quite clear, the ink colored background coated in sprinkles of white stars. From one end to the other the twinkling dots decorated the scenery, leaving just enough space for the full moon to illuminate the abandoned playground.

“It’s so beautiful out tonight,” you whispered, suddenly taken back by the spectacle.

Peeking towards you, Dean couldn’t help but notice the way your (y/c/e) almost sparkled in the moonlight. “Yeah,” he cleared his throat before kicking the sand once again, “A lot better looking than that mangy piece of fur snoozing away in that cardboard box.”

Scoffing, you rolled your eyes, “Her name is Bitsy.”

“Bitsy? That’s what you came up with?”

“It’s a lot better than Nipples,” you retorted as you slid off the swing. Ignoring the sand that magically seethed into your tennis shoes, you walked to the edge of the designated area for the swing set, where a small cardboard box was laid.

“And,” you grunted, leaning down to carefully pick up the tiny, black mass that was inside, “she’s not mangy. Just a little banged up is all.”

You made your way back to where you had come and plopped yourself onto the swing. Rocking yourself back and forth with your toes, not once did you let your eyes shift from the bundle that was cradled in your arm.

“Nothing a little love can’t fix,” you cooed as you ran your fingers through the tangled fur, “Right Bitsy?”

A set up bright blue eyes blinked back at you, followed by steady purr. “See?” you met Dean’s gaze with a bright smile, “She even agreed.”

It was then that Dean knew there was nothing getting in the way of you and that kitten, but he didn’t mind. You were happy – that was worth much more than the allergy medication he was going to have to invest in to hang around you from now on.

“Yeah,” he softly answered, “I guess she did.”

“Sweetheart?”

Dean gently squeezed your shoulder, jolting you out of your daze. Lightly shaking your head to clear your mind, you quirk your eyebrows at him, “Yeah?”

“You alright?” his forehead creased with worry as he began to swirl comforting circles up and down the curve of your arm, “You zoned out for a while there.”

Shifting on the park bench, you flashed him a slight smile, “I’m fine. Just reminiscing the good ol’ days.” Looking back to the playground that was erupting with small children, you nodded to the two-person swing set off in the far corner, “Think we could still sit on that thing, or would it collapse?”

“You? Definitely. Me?” Dean patted his stomach, “Not so much.”

You snorted and rolled your eyes. The two of you may have been heading into your thirties, but you both knew the only thing his flannel was shielding was rock hard muscle. Just as you scooted closer to his side to whisper a highly inappropriate comment, the moment was interrupted by a very familiar shrill.

“Mommy! Daddy! Look what I found!”

Whipping your head to the side, you were welcomed with the sight of your toddler practically sprinting towards your bench. You couldn’t exactly pinpoint what is was she had wrapped in her arms, but by the size of her gap-toothed smile, you knew it was something important.

“What is it honey?” you sweetly asked as she slowed in front of you.

“Look!” she squealed again before glancing down. Removing her left arm from the top of her other one, she revealed a ball of white neatly tucked into the crook of her elbow. “It’s a kitty, mommy! And she looks like Bitsy but white!”

You were speechless as you stared into the piercing, tiny blue eyes that peeked through the tufts of white. It had been almost a year since your beloved Bitsy had passed, but time never fully healed the wound her loss left behind.

“Where’d you find it?” Dean warmly smiled at his daughter, leaning forward to get a better look at the fur ball.  

“Behind a bush over there,” she pointed with her free hand briefly before staring back to her father, “Can we keep it, daddy? Pretty please?”

Tucking a strand of her dirty blonde hair behind her ear, Dean’s smile grew, causing the corners of his eyes to crinkle, “I don’t see why not, but let’s ask mom to make sure.”

Immediately she zoned in on you, still gaping at her discovery. “Daddy said yes, mommy, can we keep it?” Your daughter punctuated her question by wiggling on her feet and her signature puppy-dog face. “Yeah mommy,” Dean mimicked her tone perfectly, “can we?”

Your eyes darted between the two of them for a moment before replying, “Let me see it, Gaby.”

Not bothering to hide her hope, your daughter eagerly held out the kitten to you. Carefully you took it from her and placed it on your lap. Choosing to plop onto its side, it slowly closed its eyes and purred loudly.

“It likes you!” your daughter shrieked.

“She,” you muttered as you reached out to rub behind the kitten’s ear.

“What?” she asked.

Trying your hardest to suppress a laugh, you looked back at your daughter, “Not ‘it’, ‘she.’ And I guess we can keep her.”

You had never seen her more ecstatic in her life. Gaby promptly jumped and threw her fists into the air, followed by an impromptu happy dance. “Yay! Mommy said we can keep it! Did you hear that, daddy?” she shook Dean’s knees and beamed up at him, “she said yes!”

“Whoa now,” he chuckled before picking her up and placing her onto his lap, “You know, having a pet brings a lot of responsibilities. Think you can handle such a big job?” Without hesitation Gaby nodded her head.

“Good,” you answered for him, “The first one being giving our newest family member a name. Got any ideas?”

Her face scrunched together in thought for a moment, but it didn’t take long for her green eyes to light up, signaling her decision. “Nipples!”

“Excuse me?” you quickly replied, shooting daggers at Dean. He rose his free hand up defensively and shrugged.

“Nipples,” Gaby repeated again, completely serious, “she has them all over her belly, you know.”

Still bewildered at her name choice, you shook your head in disbelief. As you took in a short breath, you couldn’t help but break into a fit of giggles, “You are so your father’s daughter.”

Forever Babes: @skybinx-blog @winchesterhunters67 @ashiewesker @heaven-bound-angel @iwriteaboutdean @thegreatficmaster @destiel-addict-forever @too-much-winchester @thatshellfiredean @chelsea072498 @thewalkingmombie @fabulouslyboredeveryday @dumblefedoratheexplorer @kydamyankee @purgatoan @mysteriouslyme81 @fangirl1802 @chelsea-winchester @imanunbrokenfangirl @unkindnessphalanges @riversong-sam @notnaturalanahi @nephiliim @mogaruke @missmotherhen @adaliamalfoy @supernaturallymarvellous @hamartiamacguffin @feelmyroarrrr @arryn-nyx @super100012 @27bmm @ahnanamouse @mamaredd123 @bohowitch @love-yourself-first-tfw @cyrilconnelly

Dean Tags: @anokhi07 @sandlee44 @percywinchester27 @sevendevilsinmyimpala

Pond Tags: @aprofoundbondwithdean @manawhaat @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @nichelle-my-belle @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @bkwrm523 @salvachester @whispersandwhiskerburn @roxy-davenport @impala-dreamer @samsgoddess @frenchybell @for-the-love-of-dean @mysupernaturalfics @spn-fan-girl-173 @deandoesthingstome @cici0507 @fiveleaf @deansleather @curliesallovertheplace @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname @waywardjoy @mrswhozeewhatsis @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious @kayteonline @supernatural-jackles @wevegotworktodo @ilovedean-spn2 @jpadjackles @quiddy-writes @wi-deangirl77 @deantbh @supermoonpanda @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @chaos-and-the-calm67 @memariana91 @plaidstiel-wormstache @teamfreewill-imagine @fandommaniacx @writingbeautifulmen @revwinchester @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell @castieltrash1 @supernaturalyobessed @ohwritever @ruined-by-destiel @inmysparetime0 @winchester-writes @deals-with-demons @maraisabellegrey @faith-in-dean @winchestersmolder @bennyyh 

[canaryatlaw]

Feels strange writing this now that I finished recapping yesterday a few hours ago, but hopefully I won't be overcome with sleep halfway through this post, I don't think I have as much to say anyway. Today was fine though. I had a noon PT appointment so my alarm went off at 11:15 and I snoozed it till 11:25 because I'm lazy AF and knew I could do my make up afterwards. So I get there (on time of course, because even with my snoozes I am always timely) and end up with a different therapist for booking schedules or whatever, and she's fine, we run through the exercises and such and I think I'm doing them right. It's harder than the wrist exercises because there are a lot more muscles in that general area that can be used so it's more difficult to figure out if you're doing it right but I think I got most of it, and I remember them to do during the week. For now at least it looks like my pattern is gonna end up being on Wednesdays and Fridays, so I'll have to be good with the home exercises the rest of the week. Ended at 1, went home and got ready for oral arguments at school, suit and make up and everything, then walked to the train and got to school plenty early and just looked at my stuff for a while. Since the brief had two issues, with each side appealing one of them, we were working with a partner so one could argue the first issue and the other second, going up against two people on the other side. So adversarial of course, but not all that bad. I think it went fine overall, it's stressful when you go in having a game plan (and this kind of goes for trial strategy in general) and then when you get there it pretty much just goes out the window and you gotta roll with whatever happens, and I'm trying to answer questions about the applicability of the fourth amendments exclusionary rule impeachment exception to criminal cases versus civil cases (that was a real question, I didn't just through a bunch of confusing words together to exaggerate). But overall I thought it went well. They gave us feedback afterwards and they said my confidence started out really well and then kind of dipped in the middle but picked back up in the end, none of which I was aware of of course as it's going on because I'm just going. One of the judges was like "you got really passionate about that child abuse argument and you can really tell you cared about it, is that like something you're interested in?" So I laughed and was like yeah, I work in juvenile court, I could make public policy child abuse arguments for DAYSSSSSSS lol. So that made me smile. Afterwards I was of course happy to be done, so I went to Starbucks and got another unicorn frap because I'm a child and it tastes like sour candy and shit and I like it, okay? I sat there for like 10 minutes and just decompressed a bit before getting on the train and heading home. Got home and made some food, I tried to get kind of fancy and made this like roasted nectarine oatmeal that I just pulled out of my ass but it tasted really good! Lol and yeah, I also started doing laundry because I officially ran out of underwear that I can for sure know is clean, so that's kind of the limit. After not too long my roommate showed up and she was staying in for the night, so I suggested we start binging 13 reasons why since we'd both been wanting to watch it, so we did and got through the first 5 episodes. First background: I read the book shortly after it came out, circa 2008 or so, when of course I was highly suicidal myself, and I don't think it was super helpful to me in that area, but of course that was 9 years ago now and I'm in a totally different place now. I remembered the overall concept and such of course, but I didn't remember like, the individual stories or anything so that was cool to see again. First impressions: damn. Like I knew of course it was gonna be really, really heavy, but this is like, soul-crushingly agonizing to watch. Just, any time her parents are on screen I can just feel my soul aching for them as they so desperately try to figure out what happened that took their little girl away, and shit I'm tearing up just writing this because this exact subject just gets to me so much. I have images in my head of my parents finding my body after I would've killed myself and I just, they're screaming and sobbing and I can't think about it for more than a fleeting second without bursting into tears (I am full on crying now). Because it's just way too close to home. This could've been my story so easily. Seeing them, even as fictional parents, go through that just makes something in me want to scream and cry in rage that any parent would ever have to bury their child who took their own life, and how that was so close to being my story. I couldn't see it then, I really couldn't. But I can now. I can see how much it would've utterly destroyed my parents. I can see how, as much as my brothers abuse have caused me great pain, them carrying that with them, knowing they had been part of the cause of that (and I was going to make sure they knew) would just be something that would never leave them, a guilt they could never absolve themselves of. And my sister. Oh, my sister. My beautiful baby girl who kept me on this earth because I couldn't never possibly leave her here alone. I had to be here to protect her. If my life served no other purpose, I could at least keep her safe. Make sure she didn't suffer the way I did. To be a barrier between her and our brothers and any abuse they might inflict on her. I wouldn't let them do that to her. My precious, sweet little angel that God knew I needed, when I was just a little 6 year old praying for a sister, God knew I would need her to get me through this, that my love for her, in the end, was the one thing that kept me tied to this earth. I could never leave her. I could never hurt her like that. I could never cause her to suffer such a tragedy at such a young age. He knew. He knew all those years ago I would need her. So He gave her to me and I was the happiest 9 year old on earth knowing that God heard my prayer and actually answered me, with living, breathing proof- this was such a big request, I never expected it to be answered. But it was. Because He knew. So He gave me the most precious and important person in my life that I could never imagine my life without. I could never imagine getting through life without her. And I just......I'm so off topic, but apparently I needed a good cry on this specific subject. But the show, the way it captures her parents grief is just such a soul-aching pain for me. As for the rest of the show, the characters have been well-crafted so far, and they've done a good job showing the effects of bullying on people and how these things affect people- that what we say and do doesn't happen in a vacuum, but in a vast network that can get to anyone. Despite its other potential failings, which I'm sure I'll get to addressing as I go, I think it's doing a good job at really showing that actions such as bullying really do have consequences, what you think is just a joke is really at someone else's expense and that's going to affect them for longer than you know. From a cinamographic (that's not a real word, but go with it) perspective, establishing the cut on Clay's forehead as an easy way to distinguish between the flashbacks and the present was rather brilliant. I have to rant about the lawsuit subplot with the parents for a minute though, since it wasn't in the book. All was fine with it up until the end of the last episode I watched where they said the case was taking to trial and I was like BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. I'm sorry, I have a realism threshold, and that crosses wayyyyyyyy way over it. In absolutely no universe would a school EVER go to trial on a case like that. The merits of it don't matter for shit, what matters is that it would be a PR nightmare for the school. The school is fighting against the parents of a dead girl who was bullied by trying to say they weren't responsible? Nobody's gonna give a fuck about the truth of whether she was or not, they're just going to think the school as being absolutely terrible and like I said, PR nightmare. So that really got under my skin, lol, I know its a stupid little thing but I just couldn't get past it because it would just never happen. And yeah, we ended there and I headed to bed and here we are. I'm glad I can sleep in as long as I want (yay Saturdays) being that it's almost 2 am now. Tomorrow I'll probably try to do more laundry, and I gotta make a target run cuz this week I actually am running out of sodastream gas canisters (which of course we all know I need to live) among a few other random items. Then I can hopefully make a big batch dinner for use for packed lunches/dinners during the week, and also make some more progress on the presentation. I don't have to have the 40 page paper done till May 3rd, but I have the presentation that's supposed to be based on the facts in the paper on Monday, so I have to work on fleshing that out and come up with a game plan as to how I'm going to address it. I think I have a pretty solid idea and it shouldn't take too long to work out. So yeah, should be a good tomorrow. Eyes are tired now, and like I said it's almost 2 am, so I'll call it a night now. Goodnight angels. Stay lovely.

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye