#comforted considering the situation and how many people have died!!! ok!!! sorry!!

[autistic-britta-perry]

ok so *puts fanfic glasses on* to ME the best possible scenario would be one where Cellbit acts either 1) acts the way he did with bagi aka generally scary or 2) purposefully goes make me your villain and leans HARD into the queridinho and the cell references with Pac (and if he enjoys both of those's effect on Pac well... he'll never admit it) AND! This is the key for me, I don't think he'll act as if he's against Pac, I'm hoping he'll at the very least if keeping him in the dark he'd tell him he would never hurt HIM specifically (for conflicting pac emotions <3) but if he decides to trust him with the 'truth' he could also bring up Mike as a reason why they need to go after the federation and be ruthless and that would be SOO <3

[0097linersb]

Pink Lemonade

CHAPTER 3

Pairings: Jaemin x Renjun x Haechan x Jeno x Mark x Reader

Genre: Smut, Fluff, Humor (I guess), Slow burn af

Summary: The dreamies decide to spend some weeks at an Inn in the middle of the nature to relax and enjoy some outdoor adventures, far away from their crazy idol life. What they didn’t expect was the nice girl running said Inn.

Word count: 4.1k

A/N: hEy guys, I’m SO sorry for 1. taking so long for this shitty chapter and 2. I will no longer be tagging new people simply because I am so lost and I feel like I will miss half of the people who asked so I don’t want to make anyone feel forgotten or upset

THIS ISN’t PROOF READ I SUCK I KNOW I hate thIS STORY

☼  previous / next  ☼

The next morning you woke up before Jeno, you tried to silently sneak out to give him the chance of pretending nothing happened, in case he decided it had all been a drunken mistake and it should be forgotten. Your plan was proven kind of difficult with the whole having to untangle yourself from the man and unzipping the tent open situation, bright sun rays suddenly filling the space. You winced at the light and tried to quickly close the door back up, startled by a groaning sleepy Jeno who confusedly sat up and rubbed his eyes, “What’s going on?”

“Sorry, I was just trying to get out,” You apologized.

“Oh, ok. What time is it?”

“I have no idea, my phone died.”

The man searched for his phone among the covers and sighed when he realized he had run out of battery too. You awkwardly stared at each other, not really knowing if one of you should bring up what had happened or just casually move on.

“I don’t think the others are up yet,” You tried to start a conversation before the tension could swallow you up.

“Probably not. I’m still sleepy though, could go for a morning nap,” He smiled before lying back down, you were thankful he was trying to end the awkwardness too.

“I love morning naps.”

“Come join?” He asked with hopeful eyes and you nodded before practically throwing yourself back into his side, careful to not touch him in case he wasn’t interested and you didn’t want to impose yourself. You turned your back to Jeno and closed your eyes, ready to fall asleep in seconds, but was surprised when you felt the man’s arm silently wrapping around your waist and his chest pressing against your back before lazily whispering a “Good night” against the back of your neck. You smiled contently to yourself, hearing Jeno’s breathing get heavier and slower as sleep took over him, following his steps soon after.

The second time you woke up, was to a screaming Jisung. You and Jeno both jumped awake, startled, before running outside thinking there was a snake or something dangerous like that. The two of you were soon staring at the young boy judgingly, looking between him and the cockroach on the floor.

“Jisung, it’s dead,” Jeno sighed, trying to not get annoyed at the young man.

“It’s still moving!” He whined, still refusing to go down from the camping chair.

“They do that,” You sighed too, giving up on trying to make sense of the situation and approaching the boy with your hand out to help him down. “C’mon, help me to put the things back in the truck so we can go back to the Inn.”

Jisung reluctantly did as you said and Jeno started to wake up the others, everyone folded their tents and picked up the trash in silence, too tired and hungover to play around. If looked from afar, one might have you mistaken for extras on a zombie movie.

As you arrived back at the Inn, everyone crawled into their rooms without muttering a single word. You took advantage of the moment to take a shower since you were still in your bikins and Jaemin’s sweater, feeling completely disgusting after a day (mostly a night) of sweating. You were deep in your nirvana state of mind, enjoying the hot water relaxing your muscles and finally cleaning your hair of all that lake water, when you heard a bang at the door. You jumped in shock and looked over at the door instantly.

“Whoever is there, please let me in, I really need to pee!” Jisung screamed, fist still knocking on the door in urgency.

“You can use the bathroom downstairs!”

“Cockroaches,” He squealed before letting out a loud whine. “Please, I’m going to explode.”

You lightly groaned at the inconvenience before quickly shutting the water down and wrapping your towel around you, opening the door and signaling to Jisung that the bathroom was all his. He banged the door shut and you leaned against the hallway wall, waiting to return to your very good shower that you were missing very much after experiencing the chilly wind outside.

“Is there anything wrong?” Jaemin asked after opening his door, seeming like he had just woken up from a deep slumber.

You tried to act casually, like you weren’t standing around in just a towel, “Everything’s awesome.”

Jaemin had his mouth open to start saying something else when another door opened, an annoyed Haechan appearing behind it, “Who’s yelling and why?”

“Jisung needed to use the bathroom,” You explained, feeling way to exposed and embarrassed to elaborate.

“Can’t a guy ever sleep in peace?” Renjun’s suddenly appeared from his room, whining at his friends and rubbing at his eyes sleepily.

“Ok, can everyone please stay inside their rooms for the next 30 seconds?!” You requested loudly in frustration, kind of laughing internally at the way Jeno was midway through opening his door before muttering a sorry and closing it back in super speed.

“Yeah, sorry,” Renjun apologized before going back to his nap, but you didn’t miss the way he gave you a once-over first.

“Enjoy your shower,” Jaemin smiled at you before copying his friend.

Haechan simply stood there staring at you and you looked at him in expectation and a ting of annoyance. The man smirked at you before winking, “Looking good.”

“Yeah, and very much naked, so if you could like, just go inside for a minute,” You politely requested.

“But that’s very much what I’d like to see,” He playfully flirted with a low voice so no one would hear, slowly approaching you. He gave you no time to react as he looked down at your chest, right hand suddenly pinching your hardened nipple and you gasped in surprise, “Cold?”

He looked up at you with a teasing look and you nodded with furrowed eyebrows, confused as to what he was playing. Haechan whispered a “cute” against your ear before returning to his room with a smirk, right on time for Jisung to open the door, “Thank you so much! I’m sorry for interrupting your shower. I think I had the content of two whole wine bottles in my bladder.”

“It’s ok,” You assured him absently, still bothered by Haechan’s antics. You honestly had thought he was all bark and no bite, you two have been playfully flirting since day one and you had guessed it was just part of your friendship dynamic considering you both always laughed about it.

Well, you could do nothing about it except from seeing where life would take you two.

            _____________________________________________

After showering, you prepared some yogurt bowls with fruits and granola for breakfast, figuring you could all have a late lunch. Jaemin came downstairs after an hour and helped you out, stopping you from murdering another poor orange.

“Do you think everyone will be up for an activity today?” You asked, hoping they would opt for a more relaxing afternoon, as you were pretty much tired and hungover yourself.

Jaemin softly laughed, “If the activity is dying on the floor of the living room, yes.”

“Oh, thank god.”

“Slept late?” He raised an eyebrow at you and you almost dropped the knife you were holding.

Does he know?

“I went to bed right after you did, red wine is just not my friend,” You awkwardly laughed, trying to calm your mind down. He couldn’t have heard anything over the loud singing yesterday and Jeno probably didn’t tell him.

Jaemin said nothing to that and you both enjoyed a semi-comfortable silence until he offered, “Want me to teach you how to peel an orange?”

“Theoretically speaking I know how to do it, I just can’t make my hands actually work,” You laughed, but moved closer so he could show you anyways.

“I’ll teach you an easier way then, it’s not ideal but it’s better than losing half of the orange,” He teased and you glared at him. “You just have to cut it in half like this, and then like this. Actually you can cut it as many times as you want to. When they are in slices like this you can just use your fingers to pull the peel away.”

“Oh, I think I can do that,” You exclaimed in excitement, “Thank you.”

“My pleasure. Hey, do you by any chance have more of that pineapple cake?”

“Chenle finished it but I can go to town to buy some more when we’re done with this. You can come along if you want to, they have a lot of options.”

“That sounds great.”

The two of you managed to quickly finish decorating the bowl, even adding some pretty flowers Jaemin went out to pick on top of it. After placing it all in the fridge so it wouldn’t become a mess until the others woke up, you scribbled down a note letting them know you had gone to the city and would be right back before heading outside to the car.

“Can I drive?” Jaemin asked jokingly, knowing your car was very dear to you.

“If you crash it, you’re giving me that watch,” You rolled your eyes, throwing the keys at him, who looked surprised at your compliance but laughed excitedly when catching the keys. His watch was probably worth more than your car anyways.

You hesitantly climbed into the passenger seat and tried to not say anything as Jaemin left the property in reverse, you hated riding shotgun.

He did look kind of hot, though.  

“I know how to drive, you know? You don’t have to grip the handles so tight,” The man laughed once you were already on the road.

“I’m just not used to not being the one behind the wheel,” You apologized, forcing yourself to relax your hands on your lap so you wouldn’t offend a man’s driving’s skills. “Turn right on that street. Did you enjoy skiing?”

“I did, yesterday was just a fun day as a whole. You also looked really pretty in my sweater,” He looked at you softly and It took a lot of control for you to not melt into the seat.

“I’m giving it back as soon as I wash it, by the way. Thank you again for not letting me freeze.”

“Don’t worry. You can keep it, it looked better on you.”

“Jaemin, I know you’re trying to be a gentleman and all but that’s a Balenciaga swea-“

“And I’d like for you to have it.”

“I’m really living everyone’s fanfic’s dreams, aren’t I?” You giggled softly.

“Do you read those?” Jaemin chuckled.

“Of course. I live in the middle of nowhere, anything to pass the time. Follow that Sunny Mountain sign.”

“Ok. You should teach me how to find those, I’m curious as to what our fans write about us.”

“Uh, you really shouldn’t.”

“Dirty stuff?”

“Lots of it, probably.”

Jaemin laughed at that but said nothing more, deciding to pay attention to the road for once. You were distracted trying to find a cool Spotify playlist on your phone when you felt the man’s hand on your thigh, he didn’t move it and he didn’t look at you, just staring straight ahead with a casual demeanor like it was something you did all the time. You said nothing about it, just enjoyed the touch and followed his lead.

As you arrived at the city, you directed Jaemin around until you were parking right in front of the little traditional bakery.

“Good morning, Mary. Looking beautiful as always,” You complimented the old lady behind the counter, who you have known since you were a little girl. “Please tell me you made some pineapple cake.”

“My dear, if I didn’t I would run out of business,” Mary laughed. “I’ll wrap one up for you.”

“Thank you. Jaem, do you want to try something else?” You asked, pointing to the display in front of you full of a variety of cakes, which this region was famous for.  “This is a banana one, it’s so good. The wine one is also tasty.”

Jaemin shivered at the word wine and you laughed because honestly, same.

“The banana one sounds good,” He agreed.

“Mary, I’ll take one half banana, half peach.”

The boy looked at you surprised that you remembered his favorite fruit and you just smiled at him, showing you were also paying attention.

“On it. Is that your boyfriend? I’ve been praying for you to find someone to keep you company in that big old house for ages,” The lady started, taking the cakes from the displays to cut them for you.

“He’s handsome, isn’t he?” You joked, winking at Jaemin who gave you a teasing smile back. “But unfortunately he’s just a guest at the Inn.”

“Oh, that’s unfortunate, but it’s a pleasure to meet you anyways. Maybe it’s better this way, my Gus would be jealous.”

You laughed in joy at the mention of your childhood summer friend, “How is he? I miss him!”

“He’s doing amazing,” She answered with a smile when talking about her grandson, placing the cakes’ halves on a plastic plate. “He just graduated last year, rented me a fancy dress and all.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that! I need to congratulate him. When he’s back in town, can you ask him to drop by the Inn really quickly? We’re having some internet problems as always.”

“Of course, dear. He will love that, I bet he’ll come around by the weekend. Here’s your cakes! I’ll put it on your account.”

Jaemin helped you getting one of the boxes from the balcony and you got the other.

“Thank you, Mary! Have a nice day!”

“You kids too!”

You carefully placed the cakes on the back seats, wrapping the seatbelts around it so they wouldn’t move during the transportation as Jaemin looked around, appreciating the view.

“The city is pretty cute, right?”

“It is, actually. Is that an ice cream place?”

“Kind of. But they do have an ice cream buffet.”

“That sounds awesome, can we go there?”

“I guess the cakes won’t go bad in the car if we’re quick.”

“They won’t, it’s kind of cold today.”

“Right? I thought I was sick or something,” You complained, pouting at the temperature change.

“Here, let’s go freeze,” Jaemin laughed, wrapping one of his arms around your shoulders and leading you across the street.

                              ______________________________

You figured you liked Jaemin. As in, you really liked Jaemin. He was just so easy to talk to and a genuine funny caring guy – You didn’t see much of those anymore.

What was supposed to be a quick trip to the town turned into a 2 hour long tour around all the little spots the city had to offer, playfully taking photos of each other like you were in a romantic movie or something.  When you finally went back to the Inn, your heart was swollen and your cheeks were hurting from smiling too much.

“Be right back my ass,” Haechan welcomed you with a grunt.

“We took long but we brought cake,” You pinched his pouting face.

“Ok, I forgive you.”

“Are you guys hungry?”

“For cake? Yes,” Jisung excitedly exclaimed.

“I meant for real food, it’s past lunch time.”

“We actually just ate breakfast, Jeno is still sleeping,” Renjun informed.

“It’s ok, I’ll cook today,” Jaemin messed with your hair and you glared at him.

“No, you won’t. You’re a guest here.”

“And I’m a great cook, so get your ass back in bed and I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“That’s rude of you, Na Jaemin,” You joked.

“Learning from the best.”

You glared at him but decided to accept your fate. After your nap with Jeno and your shower, you were not sleepy anymore, so you decided to invite the rest to sunbathe in the lower deck by the lake. Haechan and Mark were happy to join and the three of you sprawled around under the blue sky after changing into your bathing suits. You were struggling to get sunscreen on your back and Mark silently asked for the tube in your hand, doing It for you as Haechan blabbed about League of Legends – It was really hard to hide the chills across your skin when you were wearing basically no clothes.

After Mark got over being awkward because of your exposed skin, he was actually one of the most fun people to be around that you had ever hung out with. He literally laughed and got excited over everything you and Haechan said and it made you feel special, you definitely understood his charms now. Also, with him being from Canada and all, you two had a lot more in common than you had imagined, which was revitalizing.

Soon enough, both boys started bickering over something and you just closed your eyes and tried to drift off, this was supposed to be relaxing time. But then again, it was hard to put relaxing and Haechan in the same sentence.

After what seemed like ten minutes of the men next to you arguing, you suddenly heard your name and opened your eyes begrudgingly with a “Huh?”

“Help us. Who’s right?” Haechan asked.

“I ain’t even listening, I’m sorry.”

“Haechan over here seems to think he has a bigger chance with you than I do,” Mark smirked and you chocked around air. What kind of demon possessed Mark Lee’s body?

“Of course I do, don’t I?” It was Haechan’s turn to smirk at you and you just stared between them totally lost. They were arguing about song lyrics a few minutes ago, what the fuck happened? “So? Who’s right?”

“Huh?”

“You heard me,” Haechan lifted an eyebrow at you in a challenging way.

“Let her speak,” Mark cut him off and you felt goosebumps up your body once again at his strict tone. Damn, that was definitely not expected from Mark Lee.

“This is very unprofessional,” You muttered in shock, not really knowing what to say.

“Oh, c’mon. You think I didn’t hear your little show with Jeno the other night?” Mark laughed darkly and you shrank into yourself.

“What? What happened with Jeno?” Haechan asked confused.

“Nothing,” You quickly inform, trying to end that conversation.

Mark tsks and softly put your hair behind your ear, looking at you with endearing eyes, “Our pretty Y/N had some fun times with Jeno in their tent, didn’t she? Tell Haechan.”

You gulped and turned to Haechan, only nodding in shame because you were not about to admit you sucked his friend out loud. The boy’s eyes only widened and you could see Mark’s smirk from the corner of your eyes, what a wicked man.

“Guess none of us have a chance, then. Since Jeno got to you first,” Mark played and you briskly shook your head, feeling how you were already pulsing between your legs. The man raised an eyebrow at your reaction, like it wasn’t what he had planned, “Oh?”

“Please,” Was all that you managed to let out. Too embarrassed to elaborate.

“Kiss her,” He ordered and you noticed he was talking to Haechan, who smiled widely before bending down to capture your lips.

His kiss was playful like his personality, his hand found its place behind your neck and he lightly nibbled on your bottom lip with his teeth, not allowing you to deepen the kiss like you wanted to. When you whined in frustration, you felt his smirk against your lips before he harshly grabbed your hair and pulled you closer, his tongue finally against yours.

Well, this was not how you expected your day to turn out.

You were so focused on how good it felt to melt into Haechan, that you jumped in shock when you felt Mark’s fingers playing with your bikini bottoms.

“Look how wet she it, Haechan,” He commented like he was hypnotized by the view and you two broke the kiss so he could look at where his friend was staring. Mark’s middle finger started to lightly circle your clit over the fabric and you moaned, hiding your face in shame. You were probably about to have sex. No, not sex. A threesome. With your guests!!!

“Y/N.”

“What?” You groaned.

“Y/N!”

You uncovered your eyes annoyed only to find Haechan and Mark staring at you weirdly, sitting up on their own beach towels like well-behaved boys.

“Did I fall asleep?” You asked confused.

“Yeah, we thought you were having a nightmare so we decided to wake you up,” Mark explained softly and you gulped.

“Thank you, it was horrible,” You lied, heart beating fast and chest heaving.

Mark and Haechan went back to arguing while you tried to recompose yourself, but as soon as Haechan shot you a knowing smirk, you quickly got up and left, figuring you could play cards with Renjun or something.

                                            ____________________________________

Jaemin didn’t lie when he said he was a good cook, and not only that, but he was also an organized worker, washing and cleaning everything right after using it. What a dreamy man. You were still too bothered over having a weird wet dream with your guests, who were right beside you, to think much about how amazing Jaemin was.

After everyone had lunch (and you decided to sit far far away from your sunbathing partners, safely cuddled between Chenle and Jisung at the end of the table), you washed all the dishes left while Jeno dried them, thankful that you two managed to not let things go south after your little encounter.

The Inn still had no internet so there was nothing much you could do with everyone being tired, so like Jaemin predicted, you all sprawled around the living room’s floor and played some games. After a few hours, you started getting tired of playing and turned the Tv on, trying to find the least terrible channel the Tv’s antenna could pick up, settling on a game show that got everyone pretty excited. Somehow you ended lying on Jaemin’s chest and you noticed Jeno giving you a look but couldn’t quite catch what he meant with it. He seemed normal with you after it, so you decided to let it go, realizing you were only overthinking things.

For dinner, you all had some leftovers from lunch and lots of cake. You had spent so many hours talking that you felt like you have known these boys since forever, or at least you wanted to. There was just not a moment around them when you weren’t laughing or smiling, and besides the obvious sexual tension moments, it felt really comfortable to be around them. Of course they could be annoying and inconvenient at times, they were men after all, but it was not hard to get over that.

Surprisingly enough, even after sleeping until way past noon, the boys were still tired and went to bed early with the promise of fun adventures for the next day. You and Renjun stayed back in the balcony talking about life and art, looking at the stars and drinking a glass of wine. It was nice sharing your deep thoughts with someone who matched your intensity and excitement, Renjun was indeed an artist and you loved experiencing the universe with him for a night.

When it was around 1 in the morning, the two of you said goodnight with a soft smile, knowing you two now shared a bond.

Entering your room and turning the lights on, you were surprised to find Jeno playing with his phone on your bed.

“Hey,” You offered confused.

He gave you an eye smile before dropping his phone on the bed, “Hey.”

“So, you’re in my room…”

“Just wanted to ask if I could sleep with you, it’s nice.”

“Oh, ok. Yeah, I’d like that. Let me just change,” You agreed and laughed at the way Jeno covered his eyes when you grabbed on the hem of your shirt and pulled it off, “I think we’re way past that, Jeno Lee.”

“Sorry, it’s automatic,” He explained as he dropped his hands back on the bed, watching you silently as you changed into your pajamas. You sleepily climbed into bed next to the man, both of you lying on your sides and staring at each other. “You’re so pretty.”

“Thank you,” You softly breathed out. This seemed all too familiar.

He delicately pressed his lips against yours, hand grabbing your cheek so his thumb could soothingly caress your cheek. You closed your eyes and enjoyed the soft touches, reciprocating the kiss with the same fluttering intensity. Jeno simply did that for a few minutes before breaking away from you and smiling, “Sorry, I just really wanted to kiss you.”

“It’s ok,” You giggled, content and in peace.

taglist:  @eggbutnotyolk @lauraneuuh @geeisaclown @jenotation @riemm @junguwuuu @prettychaeng @satanssugaraddiction @luvlyjaemin @sweetjaemss @oofimdumb @junglekooks @unknown5tar @rosedchae @deantrblismyhusband @yukheisworld @chippijunxiao @kkakkdugi @luvenshiti @sleep-is-all-i-seek @aka-minhyuk-kun @elithereal @jenniferecand @tacojisung @tiramisubox @hobicore-smut @renjunniex @markresonates @hufflepanda221b @ncttboo @neejaatjeh @heyyyun @yutaalove @iwishihadabettername

[in-my-feels-probably]

INEFFABLE - Kaz Brekker

Chapter Fifteen

If you would like to read this on Wattpad, it’s on there as well, my @ is in_my_feels_probably and there’s a few visuals and better descriptions and stuff on there. otherwise, enjoy, let me know what you think, and you can check out my masterlist for updates and more. don’t forget to read the prologue, it’s important to the story!

INEFFABLE - Kaz Brekker

ineffable (adj.) too great to be expressed in words, utterly indescribable; too sacred to speak of. 

Chapter Fifteen

Once all the attention was on the Darkling and the Fold, the Crows quickly lifted a cargo hold, scrambling below deck. The volcra could be heard in the distance, and it sent a chill down Elham’s spine.

Jesper was cleaning his revolvers, groaning. “This is a bad idea.”

Kaz sounded calm, but Elham could feel the worry in his tone. “I think it’s rather practical.”

Jesper scoffed. “What? Why?”

“I don’t see how we step off this boat without you pulling those guns. So, cleaning them is a good idea.”

A screech was heard in the distance.

Jesper chuckled, motioning from his guns to the skiff around them. “Oh, I don’t mean this. I mean this! We are in the worst place in the world on a ship full of people who want us dead, surrounded by monsters who want us in their gullets. I should have brought Milo.”

Inej was glancing around towards the upper deck. “Who’s Milo?”

“The goat!”

Elham rolled her eyes, chuckling. “Jesper, those guns, the goat, my powers, all of it doesn’t matter, it’ll do fuck all if the Darkling intends on using his powers against us. We get it, you miss Milo, and we’re all scared without any comfort, but your constant need to list off the reasons we’re in danger is no comfort to any of us. Do you need a hug or something?”

It was quiet for a minute. Jesper pondered for a moment, before standing and moving towards her. “Yeah, I do, actually. It’s been a shit day.”

Elham let out an actual laugh at that, wrapping her arms tight around his neck. She could feel his hands shaking against her back, and she squeezed him tighter. She put her hands on his shoulders, pushing him out and holding him at arm's length away from her.

“It has been a shitty day. But listen to me, we’re gonna be fine, yeah? Have you seen how many times we’ve all been in a situation where we should have died? How many times have we saved each other's asses? We’ll make it...well, at least Kaz will. He’s got the survival instincts of a cockroach, I suspect he’ll outlive us all.”

Kaz almost grinned, and Elham could feel the sarcasm laced in his voice. “Someone has to run the Barrel. Might as well be me. I’ll miss you all dearly, though. I’ll make sure to light a candle for you.”

Jesper seemed to relax, and Kaz nodded at him. “How many bullets do you have?”

Another screech was heard in the distance, this one closer than the last.

“Not enough.”

---

The Crows had been standing for a while, listening to the screeches in the distance, as well as the uneasy murmurs of guests on deck. All of a sudden, a giant rumble came from above, and a small light was cast over the slats in the ceiling. The Crows looked around uneasily, trying to gage what had occurred.

“So? What's our play?”

Kaz was still looking up. “We wait.”

“For what?”

He spoke like it was obvious. “For whatever the general has planned.”

“You figured him out?”

Elham scoffed. It would take a century to figure out the depths of the Darkling, and she suspected no one would still be around by then to pick his brain. No one except Alina, that is. She felt pity for the girl who would be the only person in their lifetime to live long enough to see the Darkling rise and fall.

Kaz just shook his head. “Not quite. Consider the scenario. The Sun Summoner fled from his palace, and now she’s tied to the deck. We’re sailing for a city where another general hired Arken to kill her. And I saw his face as he boarded. I know that look. He’s a man consumed with vengeance.”

Jesper scoffed. “See it enough in the mirror, do you?”

Kaz looked unamused, and Jesper continued. “So? What kind of revenge is he planning exactly?”

“We know it requires the Sun Summoner, which makes her valuable to us. She’s the one keeping everyone safe in here. If we have control of her, then we call the shots.”

Elham felt her stomach drop. “Kaz, what if he found a way to use Alina’s powers with his? Like how he would do with mine when I was at the Little Palace? That would mean--”

Kaz stiffened, slowly putting the pieces together. “...We need to threaten her life.”

Suddenly, Inej popped up from behind a barrel, holding a knife to a man’s neck and a gun to the head, exclaiming at the same time as Elham.

“What?”

The Crows quickly turned, moving to defend themselves. Kaz took a step forward, half shielding Elham from view. Still, Elham let flames pool in her palms while she stared, and she watched the man glance between the Crows and her hands.

Jesper leaned forward. “Who’s this?”

Inej responded. “A stowaway. Why pick this of all skiffs?”

The man spoke, raising his hands in surrender. “To kill the general and save Alina.”

Jesper cocked his gun, taking a step forward, his tone menacing, the most intimidating Elham had ever heard from him. Sometimes, she forgot just how ruthless the Crows could be.

“I’ll ask again. Who are you?”

“Mal Oretsev.”

Kaz eyed him, and then moved to stand in front of him. Elham and Jesper followed. Elham had let the flames in her palms die down, and instead, she had unsheathed her sword, gripping it in her hand.

Mal was still glancing at her. “You have a Grisha on your side? You’re sure she isn’t sworn to the general? Can’t be too sure these days.”

Elham rolled her eyes, lifting the tip of her sword to land under his chin. Mal swallowed, tilting his head to get away from the tip of her blade. She pressed further.

“And just when I was starting to like you. Yes, I’m a Grisha, but I’m a hell of a lot better swordsman. No, I’m not sworn to the general, I would rather die than swear allegiance to him, and I would kill him myself if I had the chance. Now, what were you saying?”

Kaz swung his cane to tap her leg, and she grudgingly pulled her sword to her side and stepped back next to Jesper. He gave her a glance, silently telling her to stay in line and follow his lead. He turned back to Mal.

“You know Alina?”

“I do.”

“Who’s in control of her?”

“The general I’m going to kill.”

Kaz cocked his head to the side, analyzing, before deciding. “Inej, give him his gun.”

She squinted. “Why?”

“Because if he isn’t with Kirigan’s crew, he’s with ours.”

Jesper holstered his gun, and Inej handed Mal his gun. Elham sheathed her sword, and Mal turned to her. “Sorry. Wrong impression.”

Elham let out a mix between a laugh and a scoff. “Don’t worry, love, you didn’t hurt my feelings. Maybe turned my stomach up a bit at the thought of joining the Darkling, but you didn’t hurt my feelings. I would watch how you talk to people though. Words like that around powerful people just might get you killed.”

He grinned at her, holstering his gun. “That would involve living long enough to make it to those people, and so far, I think I’m doing alright.”

---

The Crows and Mal spent as long as they could below deck, biding their time, when the screaming started. The sound of a whole city being swallowed by darkness and claimed by volcra was echoing in Elham’s ears, the screams on board deafening. Elham brought a hand to her mouth, holding in a scream herself.

Jesper leaned against Elham’s side, pulling her closer to him. “What now?”

Kaz turned to them, and he was almost as scared as Elham had ever seen him. She hadn’t seen that look on his face since they were in his office with Pekka Rollins, or when he broke his leg the night she first touched him. Still, he was unwavering.

“We wait.”

Inej stepped forward. “Kaz, you can hear him slaughtering a city.”

“So you understand the scale of his power, then? Good.”

Mal shook his head. “The bold move is to strike now.”

“And the smart one is to get clear of the damned Fold first.”

Msl nodded, heading for the stairs that lead to the cargo hold door. “I never said I was smart.”

Jesper scoffed, eyes wide. “Can you believe him?”

Inej shrugged off her coat, pulling out her knives. “I’m going with him.”

Before Elham could grab her, she ran up the stairs. Elham turned with desperate eyes to Kaz and Jesper, who didn’t look any calmer. They waited a moment, before Jesper groaned, throwing off his jacket and moving towards the door.

Kaz panicked. “We wait!”

Jesper shook his head. “The action’s up there.”

“They have the advantage.”

“Only because I’m not in the game.”

Elham shook her head, tears pricking her eyes. She felt more vulnerable than she had in a long time, and she hated it.

“Jesper, please don’t go. I can’t lose one of you, you’re all I’ve got. You know it’s a suicide mission.”

His eyes softened, and he sent a small smile her way. “I’ve got to, love. I’ll be ok.”

He rushed up the stairs, leaving Elham and Kaz alone. Elham turned to him, and he knew the look on her face.

“No. Not you too. I don’t care how good you are with a sword, or about your fucking powers, no.”

“Kaz, I have to! They’re not gonna get hurt, or Saints forbid, die, when I could have been up there to stop it. I’m going up there.”

Elham took a step up the stairs, when Kaz took a hold of her hand, holding her back. The look in his eye was unfamiliar, animalistic, and she felt her heart race. His voice was a murmur now, a desperate plea.

“Don’t. Not you too. Otherwise I’ll have no choice but go up there, make sure you stay alive.”

Elham scoffed, but she was all too aware of his gloved hand still clutching hers, holding her back, gripping her like she would crumble and slip away at any moment.

“Why won’t you let me go? Am I that important, above Jesper or Inej? If we survive this, I’m just gonna get handed over to Heleen, so why not let me go, let me at least try and do some good before I go out?”

Kaz’s face contorted into anger. “You’re not dying, and you’re not going to Heleen! Yes, you’re that important, so I have to protect you!”

Elham’s mind was reeling now, but she knew she had to say it. She had to know.

“Haven’t I been the one saving your ass all these years? You have to protect me, now? Because what, you always protect your investments? Your Valkyrie?”

No. Well, yes, of course he would protect her because of that, but that’s not what she is to him. Not entirely. Not anymore. She was so much more than that to him.

She was ineffable.

She was ineffable, and he realized that. And while now wasn’t the most optimal time to say it, he knew he might never get the chance to say it again. He took a deep breath, squeezing her hand in his.

“No. I protect my girl, El.”

Her eyes widened, and she felt a tear slip down her cheek. He let go of her hand, raising a gloved thumb to wipe it away. She gave him a nod, slowly reaching for his cane. He raised a brow, but let her take it. She tapped the base of it to his ankle, and he let the smallest of smilest appear on his face.

She handed it back to him, nodding towards the stairs. “I’m gonna be fine. We’re gonna be fine. We’re in this together, Kaz. Come on, we have to help.”

He could feel his heart beating faster than it ever had, but he just nodded, and they raced up the stairs into the chaos.

---

A/N - we're getting close to the end. i haven't decided if i'm going to do an epilogue chapter or not, i was thinking of marking this book as complete when it's done, and adding the epilogue in before i write the second book and there's more show content, or maybe i'll make this one long book and when i start writing for it again i'll just add it to this one and mark it as ongoing. that's all undecided, and not an issue for now, but i'd love any ideas or feedback about that. i hope you like this chapter, let me know what you thought. there's about half an episode worth of content left, a few more chapters, and Ineffable will be complete. thank you so much for the support!

[himooonlight]

who are you? pt. 1 (reggie x reader)

pairing: reggie x reader word count: 3k warnings: sad stuff i guess? this is mostly fluff though plot: you dream about reggie constantly and when you see him perfoming with julie, you decide to ask her about him A/N: english is not my first language and this is my first fanfic, so please, be nice ok? hope you like this. oh, and i'm thinking maybe 5 parts? who knows

- I know this is going to sound weird, but do you know any Reginald who likes country music?

The girl in front of me looks at me as if I have just said the biggest nonsense she has ever heard. Her smile fades and she checks around us as if looking for someone who had also heard my question.

Julie is an intriguing girl. She seems very understandable and kind, but I feel like my sanity is in her hands, which makes her figure weigh too much on me. I can't look away from her worried features, feeling bad for making her feel like this. I know she had a terrible year having to deal with her mother's death and all the block to play and sing, but I can't help it.

Not knowing the truth is going to consume me.

- What did you say? - She asks.

Julie and I have never spoken before. I am a year older than her and our school schedules have never crossed, even though I’ve seen her in the halls before. Everyone knows the incredible voice she has, the artistic talent that seems to run through her fingers - it would be impossible not to know about her reputation. What made me talk to her, though, was Reginald.

Reggie.

A boy I thought didn't really exist until three days ago.

- I asked if you know any Reginald who likes country music. - I repeat in a lower tone. - Do you think we can talk?

She doesn't hesitate to agree and soon steps forward to go to the music room. I only know about the existence of that classroom because some of my friends like to go there during lunch hours to sleep a little before afternoon classes. She opens the door, lets me go through, and closes it behind me, making sure we're alone.

We sit in the back of the room, near the windows. The horizontal blinds are open and the weather looks happy. The sun shines brightly and there are no clouds to tell the story of the crazy girl who has been dreaming of someone unreal for months and had fallen in love with a non-existent being.

It's funny how the figurative tranquility makes me uneasy. The day seems peaceful, serene while chaos is established inside of me. The blue, maroon and white paintings on the wall seem to make fun of my nervousness; the delicate yet majestic instruments seem to want me to leave considering that my madness is too much for anyone to bear.

Julie looks at me not knowing that she is my hope and that also makes me anxious. Possibly even more apprehensive than comparing my problems with the calmness of the place around me.

- I'm not sure where to start or if you're going to believe me, but I need you to listen carefully. If it doesn't make sense to you, if you don't know what I'm talking about, please just ignore it, ok?

Julie nods and moves her chair closer to mine. Her eyes look worried and I can see that she is an ordinary person. As much as many people have put her on a pedestal, she looks normal and comprehensive at close range. She doesn't look like someone who would be evil and bitter of her own accord and it's comforting to know that even if she can't help me, maybe she can understand my torments in some way.

I let the air enter my lungs, my shoulders going up and down slightly. She doesn't pressure me to speak even though I can interpret by her fingers tapping on her leg that she wants me to say something soon.

Without thinking too much about word choices, I open my heart to her because some things need to be shared.

Even when it's not easy to start.

- A few months ago I started having dreams with Reggie. He looks just like the guy you sing in that band with, the bass player. A friend of mine showed me a video of you a few days ago and I know it's him, it can only be him. - Without thinking too much, my hands reach for hers, as if begging her to believe me. Julie doesn't back down or make a move to start laughing and that encourages me to continue, with as many details as possible. - Do you know who he is? My friend said they are holograms, but probably it's inspired by some real person, right?

My speech starts to get tangled up and Julie continues with the same expression as when we arrived, just listening to what I have to say. I feel pathetic because I seem to be performing a show for something that in the eyes of others may be irrelevant. I wish I could explain to her that I am usually a very rational person. I like reasonable explanations, the feeling of being in control of where I am going, of having a detailed plan on how to achieve my goals. In general I know that unforeseen events can happen, but the relief that organization and rationality bring me is too comforting and important for me to be able to accept Reggie in my life under normal circumstances.

However, he quickly became someone important to me and it's scary how just the thought of him can make me feel nice and peaceful.

Reggie brought me peace of the kind that you often seek while sleeping or resting. Peace of the kind that we look for when looking at the sky, at flowers, at children playing in a park happily. He, someone I didn't know, offered me happiness by just appearing in my dreams, smiling at my sleeping version. It was something about his adorable smile, his small teeth, his upturned nose and expressive eyebrows. It was something about the way he made me laugh, how he had genuine intentions about everything, how his beautiful eyes lit up when he talked about something he liked.

- I don't know anything about creating holograms, sorry. - Julie answers, smiling weakly and clearing her throat. She looks uncomfortable, so I let go of her hand. - But if I find anything about it, I'll let you know.

- Julie, you really don't know anything about him? He loves pizza, has a very peculiar sense of humor and likes children and animals. He likes it very much. He is not very close to his family, but he regards his two best friends as if they were brothers. He is kind, understanding and real. I guess truthful is a better choice of words, cause I don't know if he really exists.

I know she can see my distress from the way I'm letting the words flow, but I can't help it. Reggie not only brings me peace but also a feeling of belonging that seems to go beyond the moment.

It's not like I'm getting to know him, it's like I'm recognizing him.

- Look, are you sure you are not confusing him with someone else?

Julie herself doesn't seem to believe or agree with her question. I'm being too specific and I know it. I know this because Reggie asked for my help on Thursday night's dream, saying that he didn't know if he could make it. I know this because he told me the name of his band. I know this because he said he didn't recognize me, but that he felt the same way about me, about us.

- Julie, I know about Sunset Curve. I looked them up and I know they died 25 years ago. - I answer, looking at my own feet. I don't want her to think I'm a threat and that I'm going to expose her secret. I just want answers, I just want a chance to understand my connection with Reggie. - I just want to know if you know Reggie. If there is anyone I can ask why he appears in my dreams, why I…

I can't complete it out loud, but mentally I say "fell in love with him".

I know why I fell in love with him, to be honest.

Reggie is physically familiar. More than that, it's like meeting someone special who means a lot to me. He's someone whose beauty comes from his smile. The kind of person who is always trying to see the positive in things. Who never believes that he has actually lost anything or that he is in the wrong place. He's the type to believe that every thing he dropped on the floor and didn't see, every umbrella forgotten somewhere, every delay unintentionally; everything means something. An arrangement so that he could be in the place he is in right now and that this place could not be a mistake. He's the type who doesn't bother with something that broke, with something unexpected, with something he isn't planning because he is convinced that maybe he broke a plate today so he could go to the market and find money on the floor or just feel how pleasant the day is. That maybe he was late because the bus he was going to take was going to break down halfway. He is the type who thinks that regardless of the situation, he is in the right place, where he should be.

Reggie has an engaging aura, as much as I couldn't even explain what exactly it means. He is affectionate, funny and I don't think I could ever create him.

- Why you…? - She insists.

- Why I feel this way about him.

Julie seems to think about what I said and I choose not to press her. I pay attention to the room, on how the sun comes through the window and makes me think of the day I met Reggie.

My first dream with him was at a book club. It was a friendly place that I had never visited before; a two-story white house with a big backyard. The meeting took place outside and the residence looked like it was turned into a cultural center. About five people had books in their hands and were talking excitedly about the story, going on about the metaphors the author had used to explain the parents' suffering when they lost their child. Near the boundaries of the place, three boys who seemed out of place were talking quietly. At their feet, boxes of instruments looked like misunderstood foreigners while snacks and sweets on the table near them were very much welcomed. The blond boy next to Reggie was talking to another boy about something I couldn't hear and Reggie seemed to shine.

It was late afternoon and the sun was passing through the trees in the yard. The white fence he leaned against contrasted with the black clothes he wore, while the darkness of the fabric contradicted with the gentleness of his face. He had caught my attention the minute my eyes met his.

Without saying anything, Reggie came towards me, making me nervous. In the dream, however, I was a man. As much as I was living and seeing everything from my point of view, my body was masculine and taller. My hands were calloused for some reason that I did not know and my clothes were extremely large, almost sloppy.

- Hi. - Reggie said, smiling as if he knew me. His eyes were shining and I was sure mine were too. - Do you have a name or can I call you mine?

We were not too far away from his friends for them not to hear us. Soon they started laughing out loud, embarrassed by the pick up line. I couldn't help but laugh, even though in some part of my brain I knew that maybe if the situation was rationalized, I would find it weird. However, I felt the same way about him. The desire to meet him, to know his preferences, to feel what his hand would be like in mine.

- Maybe I went too far with that one. - He said, giving me no chance to answer. - I think I have the right to remain silent.

- Reggie, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is capacity. - The blonde said, making the other friend laugh even louder. Some man behind us asked us to speak quietly and right then the sun stopped touching the man in front of me. It seemed that we finally understood that moment; seemed that the universe made sense.

Reginald was speechless, just like me. We looked at each other for a while, admiring each other's details. Because of that exact moment I would know how to point the timid freckles on your nose even with my eyes shut or on the way his eyes seemed to have at least four different shades of blue and green. At that moment I fell in love with his skin, his dimples, how well his hair was combed and how he smelled of jasmine.

- Hey. - I replied to him, holding out my hand. He looked into my eyes, then my lips and then took my hand in his. Time seemed to stop around us. - I guess you do have a name, Reggie, but can I call you mine?

Julie touches my arm, pulling me out of my memories.

- I don't know if I would have answers for you. - She says. - I'm sorry.

Julie gets up and goes to the door. I can't ignore the fact that my throat is dry and my hands are shaking slightly in anticipation of any more response that she wants to give me. Anything, any explanation that might justify how I feel about Reggie.

She suddenly stops and turns to me with wide eyes.

- You can't see, right? - She asks.

I don't know what she's talking about, so I just shake my head.

- Where's Reggie? - She talks again.

When I open my mouth to say that I don't know, he appears near the piano. His eyes are more intense than in my dreams and he does not smell of jasmine, but it's still him.

My Reggie.

I get up quickly and almost trip over the chair, making Julie look at me with even wider eyes. I look from her to him, repeating the process a few times.

He wasn't there a few seconds ago.

He appeared in the middle of nowhere.

Him.

He exists.

- What's going on here? - He asks Julie, but his body is turned towards me. I look him straight in the eye and walk slowly because I'm afraid this is a dream and I want to spend more time looking at him like that. - Julie, why does it look like she sees me?

- I see you, Reggie. - I speak softly, not diverting my attention from him. - You exist.

He opens his mouth a few times, not understanding what is happening and I feel the same thing that I felt in that book club.

Feels like I'm coming home, that I love him, that everything makes sense. I feel that there is too much of him in my heart.

- Can you see me? - He asks, walking slowly towards me. It seems the same distance from my first dream; the same strong feeling of belonging, of finding something that I had already given up looking for. - Do you really see me?

- I see you, I can really see you.

My vision starts to blur and I hear Julie talking in the background, but I can only look at him and ask myself if he knows who I am, if he feels the same. When a tear falls from my eyes, Reggie walks faster, ending our distance and extending his hand to touch my face. When I feel a shy and almost unnoticed contact, I close my eyes and throw myself into his arms, but I can't find his body.

Confused, I open my eyes again.

He's not there.

He disappeared in the middle of nowhere.

Him.

He does not exist.

- It's just a dream, isn't it? Is this my farewell to him? Will I never see him again in my dreams? - I ask Julie. I touch the piano that seemed so close to Reggie before and let my fingers roam the black top of the instrument. I just wish I could feel him the same way. - I could have swore that this is real, but I think I love Reggie so much that he made me like being asleep more than being awake. It is terrible to love him in my dreams and not have him when I wake up in the morning.

- You love me?

I hear his voice behind me and when I turn, he's there.

- Who are you? - I ask, like an idiot. I know who he is, but I need to understand a few things before I completely freak out.

Julie walks over to me and touches my wrist. She seems to be asking me not to scream or pass out. Something in Reggie's eyes is apologizing silently and I'm afraid of his answer.

- I'm Reggie. - He smiles weakly and it hurts me because it's a sad smile. - And I think you're my unfinished business.

[cherryrogers]

➸ call me baby {2/3}

SUMMER NIGHTS

pairing: bucky barnes x reader | biker au

warnings: swearing, violence, implied smut, mainly fluff.

word count: 7.8k

synopsis: Returning to Brooklyn for the summer after a year of travelling from city to city, you hadn’t expected to find your best friend, Peggy Carter, hopelessly in love with a biker. And when she decided to introduce you to the rest of his club, you hadn’t expected to fall for one either. That was until you met one with pretty eyes and a habit of calling you baby.

series masterlist

a/n: ok so this has turned into a three part series!! the next part will likely be a bit shorter, but i wanted to wrap up the story properly and i felt that needed it’s own separate part. i’m gonna post a masterlist for this series tomorrow, and i might write some drabbles for this fic to add to it once it’s finished if anyone has any hc/drabble ideas they’d like to send in?? i need to stop rambling so much lmao,,, please enjoy!!

Sunsets; consisting of an array of warm tones, reds and oranges bleeding into each other, casting a dim, natural light over cities before the artificial yellow beaming of street lamps lit up the world instead. A comforting reminder that every bad day eventually ends, but a sad reminder that every perfect day ends too.

In your case, they’d been unsettling ends to a continuous string of perfect days. And following those, a bright sunrise poured light through your windows every morning, indicating that you were one day closer to the end of the summer.

Currently, the deep, warm sky was the background of a blissful ride through the city. Perched on the back of Bucky’s motorcycle, your arms enveloping his waist, fingertips grazing lightly over his stomach through his shirt. No destination in particular; just an excuse to be close to one another.

Since the night at Wanda’s bar, the night where you simply let yourself begin to feel for Bucky, things had been different. Better.

Rides around the city were a frequent occurrence, usually happening when Bucky offered to take you home on his bike, but taking the long way back to enjoy the view and the feeling of you next to him for a short while longer.

It was therapeutic, tranquil. Well, until your road rage got the best of you.

“Dude, it’s a green light,” You shouted at the car in front you. “Green means go, didn’t you learn that in kindergarten?”

“Christ, you realise you’re yellin’ straight in my ear, right?”

“Sorry, Buck,” You patted his chest apologetically, before proceeding to yell once again. “Not my fault some people don’t know how traffic lights work!”

It was entertaining to Bucky, anyway. Even if it did earn you some middle fingers, which you gladly returned.

As the sky began to lose its vibrant hue, the two of you headed back in the direction of your place, definitely your least favourite part of the ride, but you savoured it nevertheless.

You were friends. Teasing each other incessantly because you just bounced off one another like that, but you often found yourself gravitating towards him. During meals at the clubhouse, you sat in the same spot as you did when you entered the place for the first time; right next to Bucky. While that likely meant for Steve and Peggy that they were in for a painful time, consisting of them slowly losing their patience with you both, they didn’t mind. Well, they did a little.

It’d been almost two hours since you started your game of Monoply. You weren’t sure if you were anywhere near the end of the game, but everyone was still pretty into it. Clint and Sam were paired up as a team, Steve and Peggy shared the little top-hat token, you and Bucky had the wheelbarrow, and Natasha had the car. She claimed she worked better when was on her own team, which was proved to be true by the fact she was winning.

It was Steve and Peggy’s turn to roll, and their top hat was moved to land on the ‘Boardwalk’ space.

“Oh, that’s our space!” You chirped. “Pay up, my dudes.”

“_____, you don’t have a house on that space.”

“Well, could you pass me one? I want this space.”

“You have to buy one.”

“Then I’ll buy one.”

Peggy sighed. “It’s not your turn, you can’t buy a house. Your token isn’t even on that space.”

You furrowed your brows, turning to Bucky. Maybe you should’ve read the rules before playing; you’d never actually played Monoply before. “Oh. That kinda sucks then.”

After a moment, Bucky reached over to the little bag of houses, picking one out and placing it on the Boardwalk space.

“Buck, that’s cheating.” Steve glared at his friend, who only shrugged innocently.

“She’s never played before, let her just have the damn house.”

“You’re only sayin’ that ‘cause she’s on your team, jerk.”

Bucky just shrugged again, turning to shoot you a wink as you smirked in satisfaction and placing your little house on the space, missing Steve and Peggy sharing a look of annoyance as they passed a pile of yellow bills over to you.

It was safe to say the two of you weren’t allowed to play as a team during board games anymore. Natasha always won the games anyway, so it’s not like you and him cheating made much of a difference.

You thought things were moving smoothly with Bucky. You knew that you liked him, and you wouldn’t be surprised if he already knew that — it was pretty fucking obvious at this point. But it would be a rather dumb move to escalate things even if you wanted to. The summer would be over in two months, one third of it was already gone, and you would be too by the beginning of September. Naively, you’d told yourself that you simply wouldn’t take things further. Easy enough, right?

Wrong; so very wrong. You’d proved to yourself that you seriously needed to stop acting impulsively on one fateful after a day spent at the clubhouse.

You’d been about to leave, but had decided to head off to the office where Bucky had been pretty much all evening while everyone else was out in the backyard, which was odd considering you would’ve assumed he’d be the last to not spend the night drinking beer and hanging out with friends over, well, anything else.

You knocked loudly on the door, hearing shuffling and the clicking of a computer keyboard before a quiet ‘come in’ followed. Furrowing your brows, you stepped into the room, eyes landing on the biker slumped in the chair at the desk, forcing a small smile. Did he really think your were that oblivious?

“You’ve been hiding in here all night,” You approaches the desk, crossing your arms over your chest. “Is there something you wanna share with the class?”

Bucky’s eyes flickered between the computer screen and your face, before he shook his head. “Just dealin’ with club stuff.”

“Hm, and what counts as club stuff?”

“It’s stuff you don’t need to worry about.”

You scoffed. “Huh, what happened to not doing stuff you shouldn’t be? Not getting into trouble?”

“Do you ever mind your own business?” Bucky questioned bluntly, though there was a smirk tugging at his lips.

Mirroring his expression, you leaned against the desk next to him. “Not when someone is clearly trying to hide something.

The biker bit the inside of his cheek, contemplating for a few moments. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust you. Sure, he’d only known you around a month now, but you were... his friend. A good friend. He just didn’t want you mixed up in anything dangerous. Steve wasn’t lying when he said that the club tried to stay out of trouble, because they definitely didn’t go out of their way to get into shitty situations. But if they needed to get their hands a little dirty to deal with clubs that thrived off trouble, then so be it.

Eventually, Bucky sighed, moving a hand back over his computer mouse and letting the screen light up again. Crinkling your brows, your eyes scanned the screen. He’d been looking at a map of Brooklyn, and the little red location pointer was pinned onto a warehouse downtown.

“Peter Parker, he’s just a kid. Parents died when he was barely five, lost his uncle a few years back. He lives at home with his aunt in Queens since he’s still in school, but we sorta took him in a while ago. The night after his uncle died, Tony found him on the sitting on the curb a few blocks away from here, completely distraught. He managed to talk him down though, and found out he was pretty good with engineering. We said if he wanted, he could help out with fixing bikes and cars at the clubhouse, and he comes by every so often since then.”

You didn’t know Tony that well; he was a little older than the rest of the club, and he lived outside of the clubhouse with his wife, Pepper. You hadn’t met Peter at all, but you trusted Bucky when he said that he was a good kid.

“Last week, he showed up to the here with a busted lip and broken nose. Said that Rumlow and his guys had jumped him, and that they wanted him to do a job for them — collect a weapon shipment from this warehouse.” Bucky nodded towards the screen.

At the mention of Brock Rumlow, you felt your jaw tighten. Thankfully, he’d kept his distance from Wanda’s bar since your last encounter with him, but you were still pissed off about the show he put on there, and there was nothing you regretted more than not jumping over the bar top and kicking him in the balls. Now he’d resorted to threatening a kid and making him do his dirty work?

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Peter’s meant to meet the guy delivering the weapons next week, so I’m gonna take Nat, Sam and Tony down to the warehouse and deal with any of Rumlow’s guys that are nearby.”

Upon seeing your face light up, Bucky chuckled, standing from his seat. “And no, you can’t come.”

“Bucky, I’m not a woman of many talents, but if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s handing people’s asses to them.” You lifted your chin confidently.

“Baby—”

You held a finger up to shush him. “Okay, I know I said that I liked when you call me that, but not now. Brock is the guy that grabbed me, Buck. And the guy that punched you in the face!”

“I know, and we’ll deal with him,” A smirk pulled at the corners of his mouth. “Besides, I thought you weren’t part of any club. Can’t do club stuff if you’re not a member.”

“Well, not that I want to... but how would one go about becoming part of your little gang?” You weren’t lying; you definitely did not want to be a damn biker, but you did want the chance to boot Brock Rumlow and his group of dipshits in the face.

“You could become an old lady.” The biker cocked a brow, and you chuckled heartily.

Not that you were up to date with the biker lingo, but you could take a good guess at what being an old lady meant. “Hm, if only there was someone that wanted me to be their old lady.”

Narrowing his eyes, Bucky glanced over your features, waiting for you to laugh and brush the comment off as a joke since the majority of your vocabulary was sarcasm, but you didn’t. The corners of your lips curled up slightly, not teasingly, but softly...

...Until you became painfully aware of the silence that’d fell upon the two of you, and let out a sigh to break it. It was already late when you were supposed to leave, anyway. Now, the dim moonlight was casting shadows outside of the office window, the only source of bright light being the yellow streams from lampposts dotted up and down the quiet street.

“Well, I should get going.” You reluctantly stepped back from him.

“You don’t have to go, you know. Peggy stays overnight when it’s late.”

You chuckled. “Yeah, cause Peggy has a boyfriend that she can share a bed with.”

“Hey, I’ve got a double bed.” Bucky teased, and you’d be lying if you said sleeping next to him in his bed didn’t make you feel a certain type of way.

Though, you definitely wouldn’t let him know that. “You’re stupid, Bucky.”

He shrugged, following you as you continued for the door of the office. “I mean, even if I had a single—”

“I would still not be getting in your bed,” You deadpanned, finishing his sentence for him and promoting the stupidly hot little smirk of his to appear again. “Okay, now I’m leaving. Goodbye, Bucky.”

“I’ll give you a ride.”

“No you will not,” You breathed out a laugh. “There are two bottles of beer on that desk and death isn’t on the cards for me tonight — can’t get rid of me that easily.”

A look of realisation washed over his face, a pink colour tinting his cheeks. Was Bucky Barnes blushing? That was certainly a sight, and what a sight it was.

“S’alright — I don’t wanna get rid of you,” The biker stepped in front of you, dangerously close as your back hit the door. “Not yet, anyway.”

You couldn’t lie; Bucky was hot, he was beautiful. Even when he was being a sarcastic ass, but he was just as much one of them as you were. God dammit, as much as you wanted to slap yourself for letting your insides melt for a guy you didn’t know all that well, you knew that if you didn’t fucking kiss him right this second that you’d regret the hell out of it later.

And so, you did.

You grabbed the collar of the leather jacket he never failed to make an appearance without— or perhaps he just had a lot of leather jackets, though leather jackets didn’t necessarily need washed so it was probably the same jacket— not the time, _____. Carrying on, you swiftly captured his lips with yours, relief washing through you as you felt him react almost immediately. Almost, he definitely wasn’t expecting you to do that.

The kiss was gentle; gentle enough so that you could simply savour the feeling of his lips on yours, the taste a mixture of smoke and minty chewing gum. It was slow, but quick. Bucky didn’t even have the chance to move his hands to your waist before you pulled back, raising your hand to trace his bottom lip with your thumb.

“You still planning on getting rid of me?” You grinned, amused by the biker’s dumbfounded expression.

He laughed breathily after a couple of seconds, nose nudging yours playfully. “Not if you keep kissin’ me like that, baby.”

“Hm, maybe you’ll just get lucky again.” You pushed at his chest softly, letting you step forward and open the door to leave the office.

Bucky let out a scoff. “You’re really just gonna leave? After that?”

You shrugged, cocking a brow. “I mean, I could stay if you let me come with you next week...”

“No chance,” He smiled smugly. “Shut the door on your way out, will you?”

“You know what? I’m never kissing you again.”

“Whatever you say, _____.”

You rolled your eyes at his cocky tone, turning to make your way out of the room. “And I’m leaving the door open!”

“Hm, get home safe.” He called back.

Trying to bite back a smile as you looked over your shoulder back at him, you mouthed a final goodbye and left the office, a rush of feelings suddenly emerging as you stepped out of the clubhouse and onto the street.

You’d just kissed Bucky. You had kissed Bucky. And he had kissed you back. Well, shit.

Did you need to talk about it with him? What it meant for the two of you? Did he just kiss you for the fun of it or did he actually have feelings for you? Ugh. You’d always hated serious conversations, because apparently using sarcasm to cover up actually talking about your feelings was inappropriate and unhealthy. That’s what Peggy always told you, anyway. Perhaps there was no conversation to be had. Bucky could be your summer fling; a couple of months of fun before you were off on your travels again. The only reason he kissed you back might’ve been because he knew you were leaving eventually, which meant he didn’t have to commit to you.

Whatever — you were simply going to go with the flow. If you and Bucky ended up becoming... something more, that would be great. If not, you’d be slightly disappointed, but you’d be out of Brooklyn soon enough to forget about it.

And now, as you tightened your arms around the biker’s waist, you just enjoyed the moment. As someone that rarely stayed in a city for longer than a couple of weeks, enjoying the moment was all that you could do.

* * *

“Pegs, I am working. You can’t just call and ask me this kinda stuff during a shift.”

“I certainly can, especially when I had to hear it first from Steve.”

A strained sign fell from your lips as you leaned against bar, checking that no customers were approaching the counter before you turned your back. “I was gonna tell you, I promise. I didn’t think Bucky was gonna kiss and tell as soon as it happened.”

“I don’t think it was exactly a kiss and tell situation,” Peggy chuckled over the phone. “Steve said it was written all over his face after you’d left the clubhouse.”

Feeling heat rushing to your own face, you lowered your head, hoping no one was observing the bartender getting all embarrassed. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to tell Peggy about your kiss with Bucky. She was your best friend, of course you wanted to tell her. But considering that you weren’t really sure what direction you and him were going in, you thought perhaps that it’d be better to just keep it between you and him, like a Danny and Sandy situation — if everyone had known about their summer affair, it wouldn’t have been the same.

“Can you... tell him to not question Bucky about it?” You asked. “You told me he’d never been in a proper relationship before and neither have I. I think we need to work out... whatever we are ourselves, you know?”

Since the kiss, you hadn’t had the chance to even see Bucky that much. Wanda had been asking you to work more shifts at the bar because one of your co-workers was going on vacation for two weeks, which you didn’t mind doing. Other than hanging out with Peggy and seeing everyone at the clubhouse, it’s not like you had much better to do. Plus, it meant more money to put towards your travels at the end of the summer. At the rate you were earning and including what you already had saved up, you’d be getting your dream London trip a lot sooner than you’d thought.

“Of course, I understand,” She replied. “_____, I— I don’t want to play devil’s advocate, but have you thought about what’ll happen when summer ends? When you leave Brooklyn?”

The thought had crossed your mind, yes, though it was also pushed to the back of your mind whenever it popped up. In all honesty, you had zero clue what’d happen when you left Brooklyn again.

“Nope,” You said defeatedly. “Do I need to think about that now? What if we don’t even last until the end of summer?”

From the pause in conversation, you could just tell that Peggy knew you were bullshitting. “Okay, I’m going to pretend you did not just say that. You don’t just kiss guys, _____. And Bucky doesn’t get all flushed from kissing any old woman. It’s obvious you two click easily, and I honestly don’t think it’s something that can just end once you leave.”

The girl was right, she was completely right, but you weren’t sure what the hell you were supposed to do. It’s not like you could stay in Brooklyn forever and abandon your travels. That wasn’t who you were; staying wouldn’t be you being true to yourself. You couldn’t throw that away for a man you barely knew, a guy that possibly may not want you anymore after the summer ends, though there was a large part of you that didn’t believe that.

“I can’t talk about this right now, Peggy, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the kiss earlier, everything is just... it’s just confusing,” You rambled, wanting to steer the conversation away from your love life for the night. It was nearing nine o’clock, and with an hour still left of your shift, you didn’t want to waste your energy on a conversation that could be had another time. “Anyway, how is everyone? Has Steve heard from Bucky?”

This night was also the night that poor Peter Parker was meant to be carrying out Rumlow’s dirty work, and Bucky was going to get his club to back off. Well, hopefully. He’d already been punched in the face by that bastard once, you hoped that he’d be able to avoid having that happen again. You’d texted him earlier, telling him to let you know when he was home and safe because you would, in fact, worry about him. He teased you for your concern, but you frankly didn’t care. The fact they were having Peter pick up a weapon shipment implied that they wanted to use them to hurt people, and opposing biker clubs seemed like the type of people they’d target.

“They’ve been out an hour, so they should hopefully be back soon,” Peggy assured you. “We haven’t heard from them yet, though.”

“Right,” You exhaled, a little upset that there was no update from them. The sound of the door opening a few metered behind you reminded you that you were still at work, and that you should probably say goodbye to Peggy for the time being. “I’ve gotta go, Pegs — duty calls. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Alright, darling. Be careful going home.”

With a quiet ‘will do’, you quickly ended the phone call and shoved the device into your jean pocket, turning around to identify the source of the footsteps getting closer to the bar. Well, fuck.

An ugly smirk, scruffy jaw, messy hair — Brock fucking Rumlow was standing right in front of you.

You could’ve laughed, in fact, you did laugh. He was back, even after the embarrassing show he put on last time he was at the bar, and this time, he was alone.

Putting back the glass you’d pulled out from under the bar on instinct, because there was no way you were serving him, you cocked a brow, waiting for him to make the first move.

He slid onto the stool in front of you, the same place he’d sat during his last visit. There was a short silence as his dark eyes roamed your face, before he exhaled heavily. “You not gonna ask for my order?”

“No.” You answered instantly. It looked like he was expecting the cold shoulder from the way he chuckled at your answer.

You wanted to ask what he was doing here, why he wasn’t down at that random warehouse making sure the teenager he manipulated was doing the job correctly, but you didn’t imagine it was a good idea to let on that Bucky was telling you about that sort of stuff. He’d probably try to hurt him as opposed to you, and you didn’t want to put Bucky in any unnecessary shit.

“You know, it’s against the law to refuse service to an innocent customer.”

Clearly, he didn’t know the law at all, but you found it awfully ironic that he was claiming that you were in the wrong side of the law. You cocked your brow higher. “And you’re always abiding by the law, Brock?”

“What makes you think I’m not?” The man narrowed his eyes.

“I don’t know,” You shrugged nonchalantly. “Last time you were here, you were the one assaulting an innocent customer, and me.”

Brock scoffed. “You’re calling Barnes innocent?”

You only stared at him, waiting for an elaboration.

“Do you know where he is right now?”

Yes — dealing with your bullshit and the rest of your gang.

“Enlighten me.”

“A dirty warehouse across town, meeting a dude that’s sellin’ him weapons. Rifles, pistols, you name it.” He leaned forward on his elbows, pursing his lips.

Chewing on your bottom lip, you met his eyes, dark and full of hope that he’d somehow miraculously turned you against Bucky -- he was going to have to try a little harder than that if he wanted to sell his lies.

“Where are the rest of you pals, Brock?”

He furrowed his brows. “Down at the warehouse, shutting down the deal.”

“And why aren’t you with them, hm? I don’t think it’s ‘cause you decided you wanted a drink over the chance to screw Bucky and his club over.”

The guy clearly thought you were oblivious, that you’d be naive enough to believe that Bucky was the one having Peter collect the weapons instead of him. Maybe he thought it’d turn you against him, and then you’d carelessly join Rumlow’s club without a second thought. Even if Bucky hadn’t told you anything, there wasn’t a thing that could come out of Rumlow’s mouth that could convince you Bucky’s club was doing anything of the sort.

Unfortunately, the comment seemed to tip the conversation in the exact way you hadn’t wanted it to.

Brock’s jaw clenched, eyes hardening as he sat up properly on the stool. “What’s he been tellin’ you, huh?”

“I think it’s time for you to go, Brock.” You glared at the man. There was no way you were letting him sit and annoy the shit out of you when you weren’t going to serve him.

“You see,” He laughed emptily. “If Barnes has been spillin’ things that he shouldn’t be, I need to know. Can’t have any false information spreading.”

“False information, right,” You muttered. In your defense, all you knew about his club was about them manipulating Peter. Though you could assume that wasn’t the only stupid shit they were doing, you didn’t know anything else for sure. “Well, you’re wasting your time. I don’t know anything, so get out of here.”

Brock tutted, rising from his seat and cracking his knuckles. “You’re a good liar, but I ain’t buyin’ it.”

“That’s not my problem,” You glowered, loving quickly around the bar to pace towards the door, opening it in an attempt to lure him out. “You need to go, or I’ll call Wanda over.”

Stalking towards you, the man shook his head. “If Barnes thinks he can tell his little girlfriend all of our business, he’s a fucking idiot,” He took a grasp on your wrist, his other hand curling into a fist. “Someone’s gotta show him what the consequences of that are.”

Anger flashed in your eyes as you struggled against his grip. “Get off me, dude. I don’t know anything.”

“Liar.” He murmured, before taking his fist and colliding it with your cheek abruptly.

A groan of pain left your lips as you stumbled back, the clutch on your wrist gone as Brock eyed you cautiously. Carefully, you brought your hand to where you’d been hit, blood quickly staining your fingertips as they grazed over the cuts on your skin from Brock’s rings. He’d hit you. That stupid, fucking son of a bitch had punched you. If there was any justifiable reason for you to kick him in the balls, this was it, and you were going to take advantage of the opportunity.

He definitely thought you were done with him for the night; you could tell by the way his chapped lips curled into a sick smile. He thought he’d won — how cute.

When your parents made you take self-defense classes ‘just as a precaution’ when you were a teenager, you thought it was unreasonable. Now, you’d never been more thankful.

Brushing your hair out of your face, your eyes flickered up to Brock, who was still staring down at you. Slowly, you moved so that your back was pressed against the closed bar door, clasping your hands around the long metal handle. The man assumed you were just catching your breath, and wasn’t ready for when you forcefully pushed your body forward, raising a booted foot and slamming it into his crotch.

A string of swear words fell from his lips as his upper body fell forward, Fuck it, you thought, striding over to his hunched over form and smashing your own fist against his cheek. He staggered back, just catching himself on the bar. Eyes wide, he raised his head to scowl at you, spitting blood from his freshly split lip onto the floor beside him.

From the other side of the bar, Wanda jogged over to the scene, an unimpressed scowl on her face. “What the hell is going on?”

The woman knew it wasn’t you causing the trouble, and there was even a smug smirk threatening to peak through her annoyed demeanor at the sight of Brock Rumlow with a split lip. She strode over to him, pulling him up harshly by the collar of his jacket.

“You’re banned from this bar. If I see you in here again, you’re getting a bullet straight through your gut, yes?” Wanda practically spat at the man, who nodded reluctantly and pulled away from her grasp. She turned to you, a small smile on her lips. “_____, you’re free to go early. Do you need...?”

Wanda eyed your cut cheek and bruised jaw, but you only shook your head. “Thanks, Wan, but I’ll just head home.”

The strawberry-blond nodded, sending a final glare towards Brock before heading back behind the bar.

Of course, your stubborn self wouldn’t let yourself leave without having the last word, causing you to approach him as he haphazardly stood from where he’d fallen. “If I ever have the displeasure of seeing you again, and you try to hurt me or anyone else, I’ll cut off your fingers and force them down your throat, you got that?”

Before you could wait for an answer, you were spinning around and heading out the double doors of the bar, ignoring the throb on the left side of your face as a satisfied smirk crept onto your lips. You’d never considered yourself to be a violent person, but when it came to assholes like Brock Rumlow, you didn’t mind getting your hands a little dirty. When you told Peggy about what happened, she’d likely scold you for even just mouthing back at him. You had zero regrets, however. You’d always wanted to experience a bar fight, and now you’d experienced one first hand.

As if on cue, your phone buzzed in your pocket. Stretching out your aching knuckles, you swiped it from your jeans.

Back at the clubhouse safe and sound. You want me to pick you up from work in an hour?

You chuckled under your breath, typing out a response.

Can you come up now? Wanda let me off early.

Sure, I’ll be there soon. Did you do something special to get off at this time?

Pausing, you debated whether to let him know straight away about the incident. You decided against it; when he saw your face, he’d figure it out soon enough.

Something like that...

After twenty minutes of aimlessly standing outside of the bar, the familiar roar of a motorcycle engine caught your attention. As the bike came to a stop, the beaming headlights had you squinting to even make out the outline of Bucky in the dark. However, judging by the speed at which he was dismounting the bike, you were sure that the light had allowed him to see the state of you.

“Holy shit, _____,” Bucky paced over to you, hands coming to your shoulders. “What the hell happened?”

You let out a hesitant laugh. “Uh, rough shift?”

Scoffing, the biker narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, looks like it. What— are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” You assured him, removing his hands from your shoulders and squeezing them comfortingly. “Trust me, you should see the other guy.”

“You were fighting?”

“Bucky,” You intervened, for now deciding against telling him that it was in fact Brock Rumlow you’d gotten on the wrong side of. It’d only result in him marching into the bar himself and starting another disturbance, and you wouldn’t be surprised if Wanda pulled out her pistol again. “C’mon, can we go? My house, the clubhouse, wherever — I’ll explain when half of my face isn’t aching like hell.”

The man paused, eyeing you cautiously before a soft chuckle left his lips. “You’re somethin’ else, you know that?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” You patted his chest, plastering on a smile. “Now come on; I didn’t wait this long to clean you up when you got decked across the face.”

With an amused eye roll, Bucky tugged on your hand and led you to the bike. He’d never seen someone so calm after getting a punch to the face, but then again — as cliché as it was — he’d never met anyone like you before.

Half an hour later, the biker had you sat on the counter-top in one of the bathrooms at the clubhouse, standing between your legs and gently dabbing at your cut with a wet cloth. The bleeding had stopped by the time you got to the clubhouse, but it still needed cleaned up. You were holding a cool ice pack to your jaw, watching him intently as he took care of you. Might as well take the opportunity to stare at the guy, right?

“I’m gonna put some antiseptic cream on the cut, just to make sure it doesn’t get infected.” He muttered, reaching for the tub of it in the wooden cabinet above you.

“Are you getting a sense of déjà vu too?” You quirked a brow, eliciting a smirk from him.

“Hm, a little bit; I guess we both just can’t avoid trouble,” Bucky cupped your jaw as he applied the cream, chuckling when you mumbled a ‘motherfucker’ under your breath at the sting. “You gonna tell me what happened?”

“Well,” You sighed. “Long story short... Brock Rumlow happened.”

Pulling back, Bucky furrowed his brows and waited for you to elongate the story, but you only shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. You knew that Brock being involved would only fuel a rage that he couldn’t relieve.

He bit the inside of his cheek, a frustrated laugh falling from his lips. “Rumlow did this to you? Why didn’t you tell me at the bar? Was he still there? I would’ve went in there and—”

“I know exactly what you would’ve done; why do you think I waited until now to tell you?” Though you were smiling, Bucky was still understandably apprehensive. Pursing your lips, you grabbed one of his loosely clenched fists and held it in your lap. “I meant it when I said ‘you should’ve seen the other guy’ — Brock’s face looks the same as mine and he got a boot to the balls. Plus, I think his ego was bruised enough without someone else going in there and knockin’ his lights out.”

Sighing, Bucky shook his head, unable to suppress a small grin. He never underestimated your power; anyone would be a fool to do so. When you were angry, you showed it. When someone hit you, you hit them back harder, metaphorically and literally. It wasn’t even that you had a short temper, you just didn’t put up with people’s shit, and Bucky highly admired that. “Well, I’m jealous of anyone that was there to see it — I bet it was damn hot.”

You scoffed, though seconds later you were shrugging in agreement. “It definitely was, you would’ve loved it.”

While he returned the first-aid stuff to their rightful places in the bathroom, you explained to Bucky what had gotten Brock so riled up. He wasn’t surprised that Brock tried to convince you that he was the bag guy in all of this; he’d tried to do it with Peggy too when she first started dating Steve. In his misogynistic mind, he thought that women were naive enough to be persuaded of anything that he wanted them to believe, and that by getting you on his side would mean he’d ‘won’ over Bucky. Perhaps he’d learned his lesson that night to not underestimate a woman’s power — dumbass.

Down at the warehouse, they’d managed to get Peter out of there before the person delivering the weapon shipment could arrive. There were one or two of Rumlow’s guys there keeping watch, but without him, they ran away like scared children. You teased Bucky about being a ‘big bad biker’ as he explained the night to you, but he insisted it was Natasha that had them crapping their pants; she never usually made an effort to hide the set of knives on her hip, and she apparently had a death-stare that could have anyone shaking in their boots. With him being banned from Wanda’s bar and unsuccessful with his plan of using Peter, they doubted Brock Rumlow would show his face around the area for a while. He’d only be embarrassing himself if he did.

Not long after your cut had been tended to and the pain in your jaw had subsided, you found yourself once again fighting the temptation to stay the night at the clubhouse — the temptation being a whiny biker named Bucky Barnes.

“But you’ve had a rough day,” He bargained, following after you as you made your way to the front door of the clubhouse. “It’ll save you the ride back if you stay.”

Chortling lightly, you turned around to face him. “A rough day? Buck, I gave an asshole a well-deserved kick in the balls, I’ve had a great day.”

“But what about your cheek? It might start bleeding again and—”

“Bucky,” You cut him off, biting back a smile. “Why do you really want me to stay?”

There was a short pause, heat pooling in the biker’s cheeks at the question as he raised a brow, silently asking you if he was supposed to actually answer the question. When you only quirked your own brow, he sighed, his lips curling into a fond smile. “...because I don’t like it when you leave? ‘Cause I like you a whole lot and I really wanna kiss you again?”

Slowly, you trailed a slightly bruised hand up his chest, stopping at the nape of his neck to tangle your fingers in the hair there. “You should’ve just lead with the kiss, biker.”

Before you could notice the doting grin on his lips, Bucky had looped an arm around your waist and pulled you flush to his chest, soft lips locking with yours tenderly. Your other arm was quick to wrap around his neck as you found yourself wanting to be impossibly closer to him. You tugged at his hair, eliciting a deep moan from his lips, and you pulled away with a satisfied smirk.

“So you’ll stay?” Bucky spoke against your lips, a hopeful glint in his eyes.

“If you keep kissing me like that.” You imitated his words from your last kiss, to which he shook his head and clasped his hand around yours, leading you out of the hallway and up to his room.

You hoped the rest of the club were asleep, because from the thump of your body being pushed against Bucky’s bedroom door after he’d dragged you inside and shut it, you were sure that they could assume who was causing the racket at almost midnight.

Bucky’s mouth was on yours in a matter of seconds, hands cupping your jaw, carefully avoiding pressing against the side that was bruised. Meanwhile, your fingers gently traced across the hem of his t-shirt, riding it up so that the pads of your fingers came into contact with his lower stomach, ghosting over the waistband of his jeans. He stepped back momentarily, shoving his leather jacket down his arms and letting it fall to the floor.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without your jacket,” You breathed. “It’s like you’re naked already.”

“Who said anything about getting naked?” He teased, hands coming to trace over your own exposed stomach. “Someone’s eager.”

“You’re stupid,” You rolled your eyes, unable to suppress a grin. “Coming from the guy who just said he liked me, sap.”

“Real mature,” He snickered, riding your shirt up to your chest and tugging it off when you raised your arms to aid him. His lips moved to the crook of your neck, trailing light kissed along the soft skin there. “I meant it, though. I really like you, baby.”

A whimper escaped your lips as his attached to a certain spot on your neck, your hand fisting his shirt in response. You didn’t even have to say it back; it was obvious that you felt the same way about him in pretty much every way. The way your body was reacting to his, the breathy way that his name was falling from your swollen lips, and the fact you’d kissed him the week prior was a good indicator too.

“And you said you’d never get in my bed.” Bucky smirked after helping you pull off his own shirt.

“Technically, I’m not in your bed yet.”

“Yet,” He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear before trailing his hand down your jaw, along the curve of your shoulder and down to the hem of your bra. “Can’t wait to have you there, moaning all pretty for me.”

Your face grew hot at his words, but his lips were on yours again too quickly for him to notice. When he eventually pulled back for air, you bit your lip in anticipation.

“Hm, let’s not wait any longer then.”

And he didn’t let you wait any longer, leaning down to kiss you with a passionate hunger as he dragged you by both of your hands to his bed. Maybe it was the way he didn’t rush, that he took time memorizing every inch of your skin with gentle lips and wandering hands. Maybe it was the sighs and moans of pleasure that he’d managed to draw from you so easily, or the way he whispered praises and sweet nothings into your ear as he positioned himself comfortably between your legs. But after the two of you had reached your highs and were left grinning like idiots and panting for breath, you realised how fucking hard you’d fallen for the damn biker who’d somehow gotten you in his bed.

* * *

Soft snores gradually drew you from your slumber, eyelashes fluttering against your cheeks before you eventually squinted your eyes open. It couldn’t have been any later than 5am; daylight was peaking through the curtains of the bedroom, but the world outside was still quiet. Quiet for New York, anyway.

Bucky had his arms tucked under his pillow, face buried into the cotton, lips parted, brown strands of hair falling in front of his face. Back muscles relaxed, shoulders raising slightly as he breathed quietly. He looked pretty like that, innocent even. Innocent in comparison to what occurred in his bed the night before.

As you idly observed him in his peaceful state, you couldn’t help but think about what Peggy had said to you earlier the prior night. She was right, as always. Especially after the night you’d just had with him, there was no way that your feelings for Bucky would just leave along with you leaving after summer. Perhaps sleeping with him was the stupidest decision you’d ever made. Perhaps it would’ve just been easier to not stay the night and pretend like you’d never kissed him in the first place. But you didn’t want that. You wanted him, even if you could only have him for the summer.

A muffled moan jerked your attention away from your thoughts and back to the man laying next to you, who was shifting as he began to wake, the muscles in his back flexing as he did so. It was a sight you could get used to for sure.

Soon enough, his baby blues met yours, a lazy smile overcoming his lips. “Watching me sleep?”

“No.” You denied, though he could see straight through the lie.

He hummed, reaching a hand out to trace over your bruised cheek. You leaned into the touch. “Still hurt?”

“Not really. Had a good doctor fix it up last night.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Uh-huh. I mean, he slept with me afterwards which I thought was a little inappropriate...”

The biker scoffed, enclosing an arm around your bare waist to pull you closer. Sloppy kisses were planted down your jaw to your shoulder, ghosting over the dark bruises he’d marked you with only hours ago.

“I’ll miss you, you know. When you have to leave.” Bucky murmured, pulling away and laying back down against the pillow, his nose grazing yours.

You smiled sadly, pushing some of the hair away from his face. “Do you think this was stupid of us? To start something that’s just gonna have to end in a month?”

“Maybe, yeah,” He mirrored your expression, voice still a little raspy. “But I don’t regret it.”

“Me neither,” You twirled a lock of his hair sigh your pointer finger. “What’re you gonna do without me, huh? You might have to find another girl to take rides with you at sunset.”

Bucky shook his head, squeezing your waist. “Nah, I think I’d rather ride solo. Won’t be the same without you just over my shoulder.”

“Even when I get road rage?”

“Especially when you get road rage.”

“Well, we should probably make the most of the time we have left,” You propped yourself up on one elbow, a smirk playing on your lips. “How about a ride while the sun rises?”

“Sounds perfect.” He loosened his hold on you, letting you roll away from him and swing your legs over the side of the bed.

“Mind if I take a shower first?”

“Mind if I take a shower with you?”

You thought for a moment. It’d be saving water, wouldn’t it? “Screw it, why not. C’mon, Buck.”

You scurried off to the bathroom, still naked as Bucky followed after you, suddenly not so tired anymore.

Perhaps the summer hadn’t went in the direction you’d been expecting, but you had no complaints about the turn that it’d taken. You’d never believed in fate or destiny, much like you’d never believed in love. However, you’d like to believe that you were meant to meet Bucky when you came back to Brooklyn at some point. You’d never met someone— someone so perfect for you, if you were being honest. He didn’t scold you for your sarcasm, or shame you for standing up for yourself. He responded to your teasing with his own, he knew how to make you laugh, how to make your cheeks hot and your knees weak. You were always on the exact same wavelength, always knowing how the other was feeling, being able to bring out the best in one another.

It seemed like a waste to spend the little time left at home thinking about summer ending, so you simply pushed it out of your mind. Enjoying the moment was something you’d learned to do over and over again, because that was all you could do in the life that you led.

The moments spent with Bucky Barnes were just going to be a little harder to let go of.

* * *

Taglist:

@domolovee @oplunket16 @barnestruck @igotkatiepowers

[rosieshipper]

A place to stay

Summary: After Rose and Ellie find out the truth of what happened with the fireflies, they both go their separate ways away from Joel

Dina was sitting alone in her living room watching a movie when she suddenly heard the sound of knocking at her front door. Pausing her movie, she slowly stood up and walked to the door. When she opened it, she saw her girlfriend, Rose, standing in the doorway. “Rose? What are you doing here so late? Shouldn’t you be back home?” She asked with concern when she saw her. But her concern only grew when she noticed Rose’s red puffy eyes and tear stains on her cheeks. “I know it’s late and I’m sorry for coming on such short notice but I need a place to stay. Home isn’t exactly where I want to be right now.” Rose explained as she wrapped her arms around her torso. “Of course, come on inside.” Dina told her as she opened the door further so that she could step inside

Rose muttered a quiet “Thanks” before walking inside. Dina ushered her into the living room and had her take a seat on the couch, fearing that she may pass out considering how pale she looked. “Is everything ok? You never come over unexpectedly like this.” She asked her softly as she rested her hands on Rose’s shoulders. Rose was quiet for a bit after that. She knew that she couldn’t explain the full extent of the situation to her because she had never told Dina about her immunity or her past with the fireflies. So eventually she let out a sigh and looked down at the ground. “It’s complicated Dina. But all you need to know is that me and Joel are no longer on speaking terms and I can’t stay in the same house as him anymore.” She explained with a deep frown

Dina frowned herself at that. She knew the situation was severe when Rose referred to Joel by his name rather than Dad. For as long as Dina knew her, Rose had always called Joel Dad. But now that she knew that Rose doesn’t even want to associate him as Dad anymore, she knew that Joel must have royally fucked up big time. With a sympathetic frown, Dina reached over and gently took Rose’s hand into her own. “Well, even though I don’t know the whole situation, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. But don’t worry, you can stay here as long as you need to.” She whispered to her before leaning up and kissing her cheek. Rose’s emotions began to overwhelm her once more and she found herself hugging Dina tightly as she buried her face in her shoulder and sobbed quietly

Dina didn’t say anything, she didn’t question anything. She just hugged Rose close and let her cry until she couldn’t anymore. After a few long minutes, Rose’s sobs eventually died down into quiet whimpers and she pulled away slowly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be dumping all of this on you out of the blue.” She said with a sniff as she reached up and rubbed away her tears with a clenched fist. “Don’t apologize for anything babe. You have nothing to apologize for. You’re clearly in a lot of pain because of whatever happened between you and Joel. I want you to know that I’m here for you.” Dina explained as she gently rested her hand on her cheek, wiping away one last tear with her thumb

Rose eventually nodded in understanding and let out a shaky breath. “Thank you Dina. You’re always so kind to me.” She whispered quietly before giving her hand a light squeeze. “You’re my girlfriend, it’s my job to be nice.” Dina told her with a small smile before standing up from the couch. “Now you wait here. I’m sure you must be hungry so I’ll go get you a snack if you’d like.” She offered as she looked down at her girlfriend. Rose nodded slowly, feeling her stomach beginning to ache from the lack of food she ate today. “Alright, I’ll be right back.” Dina hummed before walking out of the room and into her kitchen

As Rose sat alone in the living room, her mind immediately drifted back to the events that took place earlier that day. She and her sister Ellie had taken off in the middle of the night, leaving Jackson on their horses. They had traveled all the way to Salt Lake City all night to find the hospital that used to be the fireflies base. Leading up to that night, the both of them had had their suspicions that what Joel had told them about the fireflies wasn’t actually true. So they were determined to find out what actually happened. Once they made it to the hospital, Ellie had found a recorder that belonged to one of the fireflies, explaining that there was no chance to make a vaccine for the virus now because the two immune girls were gone and the only person that could have made the vaccine is dead

By the next morning, Rose and Ellie were outside of the hospital. They were listening to the recording over and over until suddenly Joel had come riding up to them on his horse. Jumping off his horse as soon as he could, he rushed over to them and hugged them both close, telling them about how worried he was. Ellie and Rose both didn’t say anything, they just moved out of his embrace. They both wanted to say a thousand things to him but the words just wouldn’t come out. Until finally Ellie finally spoke out, telling Joel to tell them what exactly happened at that hospital and that if he lied again he would never see them again. Rose wasn’t saying anything, her emotions were too jumbled for her to talk. But nevertheless after a few moments of silence, Joel finally told them the truth after so many years

There weren’t dozens of other immune people. Rose and Ellie were the only ones. And the surgery that they both would have had to go through would have killed them both. Joel didn’t want to lose both of them, so he went in and killed nearly all of the fireflies, including the only person who was capable of making the vaccine. The big reveal had hit both the sisters like a truck and they both began to break down. Rose was in complete shock and disbelief while Ellie was kneeling down on the ground crying uncontrollably. Rose had her back to Joel and Ellie when she heard Ellie snap at Joel, telling him that they’ll go back to Jackson but after that they were done

Rose heard her grab her bag and leave to get to her horse, leaving her with Joel. Rose was shaking as she bit down on her finger. She felt Joel place a hand on her shoulder and jerked away, looking back at him with tears in her eyes. She looked at the man she saw as her father and only saw a stranger. “How could you?” She murmured to him before immediately walking past him and grabbing her bag as well. She couldn’t bear to look at him any longer out of fear of breaking down completely in front of him. She climbed on her horse and followed Ellie all the way back to Jackson, not daring to look back. By the time they arrived back home, it was nightfall. And after dropping her horse off at the stables she made her way to Dina’s house, leading her to where she was now

“Rose? Did you hear me?” The sound of Dina’s voice snapped her out of her daze and she looked over to see her girlfriend standing not too far from her with a bowl of fruit in her hand. “Oh sorry, I was just lost in thought. Sorry.” Rose murmured as she watched Dina take a seat beside her. “It’s ok. I made you some fruit salad. It’s not much but it should fill you up for the time being.” Dina explained as she handed her the bowl. She gladly took the bowl from her and began to eat, finally getting rid of the hunger that she had felt most of the day. Once she was finished, she placed the food bowl on the table in front of the couch. “Thank you Dina. I really appreciate it.” Rose hummed before leaning against her girlfriend. “You’re welcome hun.” She told her in response and kissed her forehead lovingly

For the rest of the evening, Rose stayed curled up to Dina’s side as the two of them watched old nature documentaries to help take Rose’s thoughts of the events of that day. She really appreciated all the help and comfort Dina was giving her, even though she knew that she would never know the full extent of the situation, it was still nice to know that she wouldn’t question what had happened and would always be there for her no matter what. At some point during the documentaries, Rose had fallen asleep against Dina and she took that as her sign to call it a night

Switching off the tv, Dina gently picked Rose up and carried her down the hall to her now shared bedroom and carefully laid her down on the mattress. She then crawled into bed with her and pulled the blankets over the both of them before cuddling up with her. She knew that Rose was gonna be in a lot of pain for a while, but she was gonna be there for her no matter what

Tags: @astralshipper @aricka-and-her-fictional-others @magicalbunbun @recordplayershipping @journalofdeath

[sunsetsover]

"I swear half this fandom don't actually like Ben" lmao true! Thing is though he's not likeable all the time and he can be a right old dick. But personally even if I don't like him or his actions at certain times, I feel like the broader picture is still there and I root for him because I get why he's like he is? And I can see and appreciate the softer sides of him even if they're fairly well hidden at times.

I also think some people in the fandom intellectually understand that he's traumatised and a survivor of various abuses, and when that shows in certain ways e.g. like if Callum or Lola is comforting while he's crying. But when it comes to situations like this week with Jags and Whitney, I personally think some people have struggled to understand how his trauma connects to it because it's not as obvious as e.g. Whitney's fiance dies, Gray manipulates her, bish bash bosh hit and run. Even more broadly I think it's easy for the audience to underestimate how Ben's experiences have shaped him because there's a distance created by time, his criminal actions, his (un)likeability factor, not viewing Phil as an abusive parent etc.

I don't wanna say everyone criticising him is like that btw! I'm sure there's a few reasons but I think this plays a part tbh.

i get what you're saying but to me it's like.... why would you even waste so much time invested into someone you don't like most of the time. i genuinely don't get it. ppl tend to ship ballum but hate ben AND hate the majority of the sls lately and it's like.... it's 2021 bro it's not like gay couples are THAT rare anymore there is so much media out there if you're not enjoying what ee are doing then you literally do not have to watch. in fact im BEGGING you for your sake not to. literally just do not engage with media that you aren't enjoying. do not sit in your own negativity writing 20 posts a day abt 'why are they doing this? why don't they do that? if they did this i would enjoy it more' bc you're only making yourself miserable. like this goes for any type of media but literally just stop engaging w it if you're not enjoying it anymore. the think pieces don't help anyone. your opinions aren't universal and they aren't gospel. we all need to stop confusing our opinions w facts. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean other ppl aren't and vice versa. just bc i'm not enjoying smth doesn't mean that the thing needs to change. eg i hate the fact that callum is a copper and pray every day that something will force him out of it BUT it doesn't really affect my overall enjoyment of him as a character and it doesn't mean that the show has to make him quit just bc i don't like it. you (the royal you not u specifically anon lmao) might hate the fact that ben still does illegal stuff but that doesn't mean the show has to make him stop just bc you don't like it. if it affects how much you enjoy him as a character/ben and callum as a couple then maybe consider stopping watching. festering in the energy of 'i hate this, i hate what they're doing and here's 1200 words why' is unhealthy! i learned this the hard way !

i know this seems like an irrelevant ramble but i think i've realized that this is what my issue is. ppl not understanding trauma is frustrating and damaging and still pisses me off, but i feel like what actually pisses me off more are the ppl who just don't even attempt to be understanding bc underneath it all they're angry/frustrated at the show/sls and that's how it manifests itself. ppl don't like the direction ben and/or callum are going in and so the minute they (and it's usually ben lbr) step out of line they JUMP on that as an excuse to vent their frustrations and often end up saying shit that is ignorant or damaging or mean or just straight up cruel abt things that are so often symptoms of mental illness or trauma. so they're out here posting so many things and making these cruel little comments bc they can't just acknowledge that they don't actually like ballum anymore meanwhile ppl who are actually disabled/mentally ill/traumatised are sitting there reading all of these things and seeing all the people agreeing w them and it's doing real life damage to people.

is it on purpose? probably not. but that doesn't make the damage any less real. i have never forgotten or forgiven the way ppl reacted after ben went deaf. it was vile. as a disabled person who reacted very badly to being disabled just like ben did, it genuinely fucked me in the head seeing what ppl said abt him during that time. now i understand that it was partially ignorance but also a big chunk of it was ppl being unhappy bc they thought they wouldn't be able to enjoy their ship anymore bc ben was disabled (not that he hadn't been disabled before, but now it wasn't ignorable anymore).

idk there's more i could say but i feel like it's pointless. ppl don't care lmao all they care abt is their ship. which, ok fine whatever, but stop letting ur mentally ill/traumatised/disabled followers get caught in the crossfire bc you can't just admit you're not enjoying it anymore and feel the need to tear the thing down and rant about how it's 'bad writing' or 'out of character' etc etc. it's frustrating to read (which is why im never on here anymore) and speaking from experience it hurts YOU in the long run. negativity breeds more negativity.

you don't need to make excuses! just let it go! find something that does make you happy! you deserve that! and we deserve to be able to enjoy something without seeing ppl tearing it (or worse - us) down every 5 minutes !!

(edit - to clarify anon none of this was aimed at you i just sort of started ranting and didn't even really answer ur question im sorry !! i get what ur saying tho lmao 💞💞💞)

[taebear0801]

Nct Dream Reaction to scaring you or you flinching during an argument.

May consider sensitive content for some people and Mark is in dream again because it’s become fixed.

Mark lee

You were over at Mark’s room in the dorm after he invited you over last night. But today he was too stressed and crabby to deal with you.

“Mark?”

“What do you want now?”

“I was wondering if you maybe wanted to chill out and spend some time in the park” you try to reason but you voice is wavering, scared that Mark will be mad at you.

“NO Y/N. You don’t understand what’s its like to work this hard or be an idol. You’re too naive to understand my stress, go yourself” this out burst had you looking down at your hands frustrated but you can’t let him treat you like this.

“WELL, I’m trying to put in effort unlike you. You always think everything in the relationship is about you.” And when he turned around you knew that you fucked up. But whaat you didn’t expect was for mark to stand up and walk towards you threatening you.

“Don’t Ever Talk To Me Like That Again” articulating every word.

Already being smaller than him, the disadvantage of sitting on a bed so you put up your arms in defence. When Mark sees this action he realises how he must of scared you and you just wanted to spend time with him despite your earlier comment.

“I’m sorry Jagi.” He said softly waiting for you to look up at him before he continued, “I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” He would ask if you were ok before he touches you and would engulf you in a hug whilst both of you apologise many times to each other.

Hwang Renjun

Renjun has always been mouthy and sometimes he doesn’t know when to stop. But he’s got to the point of actually scaring you.

“I don’t have time to only play attention to you. The world doesn’t revolve around you sweetheart” he would say in an extremely sarcastic tone that really hurt you.

“Why would you say something like that. I’ve given up time for you” you would yell back, upset he talked to you like that.

He was trying to walk away but when he heard you, he stopped in his tracks and slams the door he just open while turning around. So when he sees you flinch initially he didn’t think much of it.

“You honestly think that you have given up anything in this relationship? I’m putting my career on the line, maybe you not worth it.” And with that you run out the door back into your apartment. You get some boba to chill you out but the whole time Renjun’s words ring in your ear. That night you put on one of his shirts and climb into bed all alone. You cry at the memory but unbeknownst to you, when you left the dorm, Jaemin heard the exchange and told Renjun that if he wanted to keep you, he would need to apologise.

So when he unlocks the door, he feels worse when he sees how alone you were on the shared bed you bought for both of you. He hears some stiffening and accidentally closes the door too loudly. This makes you flinch and he remembers how you flinched before. You guys would make up in the bed and he would apologise more for the words he said than his slamming the door.

Lee Jeno

Jeno is known to be scary with the members but you never believed it. He was always so sweet to you and even when he got annoyed in an argument he would be more frustrated but never seem intimidating. But when he dragged you back into your apartment after the waiter at the cafe recognised you and started, in his eyes, flirt with you.

“How could you have that guy all over you like that? Did you enjoy it? Like a fucking slut enjoying other men’s attention?” His words hurt. Sure you used to like the guy but now you’re with Jeno, so this situation didn’t make any sense to you.

“Like I said before, I don’t like him anymore”

“BUT THAT PRICK RUBBED IT IN MY FACE. He kept stating your past an how you used to like him”

“But-“ and before you could respond, Jeno slammed his hand on the table and walked up to you after saying.

“SHUT UP!”

You raise your arms in defence and he could see your tears building up in your eyes.

“I’m sorry for scaring you baby.”

“I can’t believe you would accuse me and call me a slut” you say softly but shaking from the tears falling. He just engulfs you in a hug stroking you to calm you down. He feels bad at the way he spoke and would spoil you for the next few days. He doesn’t what you to think of him as a monster.

Lee Donghyuck

It’s 3 am and you are in Donghyuck’s room whilst he plays video games. You kinda wished that he rested more but you also like the way he looks happy when playing.

“Go to bed with me donghyuck. Please”

“After this game. Go to bed first” He said for the 11th time.

“Why are you like this, you need to rest.” You start yelling.

“Just be quiet and don’t wake the others.” He said sharply.

You had enough and after he died in the game, you turn off the power button of the computer.

“What the-. WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM Y/N. Why did you do that?!” Donghyuck is turned around in disbelief.

“You died so I thought you were finished.”

This seemed to have triggered something and he walks toward you furiously, causing you to crawl up higher on the bed.

He yells, “What right do you have to turn off my computer despite if the game finished or not.”

But when he raises his hand, you shield your face and start crying, “please don’t hit me”.

With this, donghyuck is shattered. He doesn’t realise just how late or how tired you must of been to just want to cuddle with him.

“I just didn’t want to sleep alone” you cried as you continue to hid your face from him. “Im sorry if that’s selfish” and with that you roll off bed and run towards the door.

Donghyuck grabs you before you get the chance and gently back hugs you. “I’m not letting you out at 3am in the morning.”

“Why are you caring now suddenly” and you try to get to the door again. Donghyuck gets his opportunity to grab your wrist and pull you to him crying.

“Let’s sleep ok. I don’t what you to be scared of me.”

In bed he strokes your sleeping face thinking you are in deep sleep and says softly, “you know I would never harm you in that way. But I can’t believe we came to this.” But you heard every word.

Na Jaemin

Jaemin doesn’t like to fight and even if you guys do there’s usually the silent treatment and then a very cute date to make up. But today was different, Jaemin hasn’t yelled at you like this. He hasn’t been this aggressive. He’s upset that when you come to the dorms, you only interact with the boys.

“Would you rather date Renjun over me?” He would ask, “do you want him to fuck you?” His comments didn’t help the fact that you were wearing a cute skirt you bought a couple days ago to impress Jaemin. But when came to the dorms, Jisung asked you to get a stain out of his shirt then Renjun ask you to help him cook, which Jaemin did not take a liking to.

“Are you calling me a slut?”

“I don’t know but you sure like other men’s attention.”

“You know I only love you, Jaemin.” You try to reassure him but when you walk towards him, he adjusts his fringe and this makes you flinch.

You aren’t sure how long you both stood there but Jaemin was mad. He was mad you thought of him like that.

“Did you really think that or are you trying to get a reaction out of me” he would growl.

“What- now it was my reflex”

“I don’t care, but you damn well know that I would never hit you. I can’t believe you thought that lowly of me” he would exclaim.

You’re not sure how to recover from this but you head for the door and the boys hitting outside on the couch would look at you fully aware of situation. This would make you feel even worse and you would run out the door. I would take half a day to find Jaemin outside your apartment door with some flowers. And probably a roast from Renjun about his insecurity.

Zhong Chenle

Poor baby, you and Chenle would be the cutest couple and fights never really existed. But when you over hear Chenle talking to Jisung about how his mum found out about you and she doesn’t like you. His mum thought you were with him for the money and this breaks you. You have never benefited from Chenle’s income so none of this made sense to you.

“But why didn’t you come to me? Are you thinking about breaking up” you are on the verge of tears at the moment and Chenle would not know how exactly to handle this situation.

“No I just needed someone to ask, a guy in this situation.” the last thing he wanted was to break up. You were his rock and always there to listen to him at 2am.

“I only love you y/n really, I don’t care what my mum says.” He would get kinda frustrated that this wasn’t getting through.

So he goes to touch your face but he reaches too quickly and you flinch and clench your eyes before opening at the feeling of your soft fingertips grazing your chin.

“Why did you do that” he would be shaking.

“I don’t know your hand moved too fast.”

“Are you scared of me?” And this would be so upsetting but you had to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault. He would be more of a mess than you and you would need to comfort him instead.

Park Jisung

You and jisung, like some of the others don’t fight much. But something about him really bothered you lately. When he was alone with you he was a clingy, like a koala bear always touching you. But when you went to a restaurant with the boys he would not touch you or talk to you for long periods of time. So when you touched his hand or attempted to feed him, he would tell you to stop rather loudly in front of the boys. Embarrassed, you retract and don’t attempt anymore clingy actions.

So you confront him about this but he gets snapping and wants to end the conversation. But when you continue to push the subject he gets really angry.

“It’s not that serious. I really don’t understand why you are pushing this y/n are you trying to be difficult?” You reach for him but he slaps your hand away and now you’re frozen.

“I already told you I love you and I show you that in our free time, it’s just I don’t want to be teased.” And now he is walking towards you. Jisung is tall so he looks quite intimidating from your perspective, especially how you’re now holding your hand in shock.

“How dumb can you be huh?” He continues as you lower your head and start to hug yourself in defence. Your cowering form would be surprising to Jisung.

“What are you doing” but when he sees you crying he would panic and not know how to calm you down. He would give you some space and call him taeyong to ask for advice because he realises he scared you but he didn’t know what to do. It really didn’t hit him until Taeyong explained how you scary he can look to you but you would get a text from jisung to meet him at the food market and trust me he would cling onto you in public and take you to the arcade for a cute date.

[starcrossedyanderes]

Beauty and The Birds Part 9

Warning: This chapter contains former abuse from parents, religion (mostly cult-ish stuff), mentions of  ‘The Catholic Church’, and supposed witchcraft. A long with general harm of a person because of them being different. If any of this effects you I recommend possibly not reading this. If you are facing any of the above (except for maybe supposed witch craft) you can access this website for help https://www.thehotline.org/ this is the domestic violence hotline and are generally good for a lot of situations.

Disclaimer: I, as always, do not condone this behavior in any sense. A made up sort of cult-like religion is brought up that tries to hide itself as The Catholic Church. I have absolutely nothing against the catholic church as I am personally a protestant (but of course you know how us protestants feel) and I have nothing against what people believe in as long as no one gets hurt. This is based off of the sad incidents of exorcisms and how the are most commonly performed on regular children and how they quickly turn violent. Please, this is never acceptable. You should never be harmed by your religion or because of your religion.

~Previously on Beauty and The Birds~

“Isn’t that cannibalism?”

“Doggo!”

“Sheepies!”

“No. Other birds. I don’t think there’s another like me.”

~Back to Beauty and The Birds~

“It’s a uh.. long story that I haven’t shared with anyone. As you can tell I’m not exactly the best at communicating-“

He physically backed into himself with a blush on his cheeks and a hand rubbing his neck. You physically drooped as you started to walk away.

“Okay, I guess you don’t want to tell me-“

“NO!”

At seemingly the speed of light and a large ‘whoosh’ the bird man appeared right in front of you with his hands spread.

He had this deranged look on his face that seemed to become more and more common as the days passed.

He stepped closer to you with a shaky crazed smile on his face.

“No, no! I’ll tell you! I would tell you anything.”

He placed his hands on your shoulders to pull you in closer as his smile only widened.

“I would do anything for you. You just have to ask and I would tell you whatever you could possibly want to know. As long as you stay so couldn’t care less. It’s all worth it.”

Hm, he seems to show a lot of territorial behavior and desperation. Could this be part of a courtship sort of thing. He seems to be quite attached for only knowing you for what? 2 days? You’ll have to look into that later.

His smile and piercing gaze finally softened as he seemed to return to his normal self.

“I will admit this is a rough topic for me so I would rather if we could instead talk in the nest.”

You eagerly nodded your head as you gripped your discreet recording device as you were flown up to the top floor’s glass observatory.

It seems the nest acts as a comfort sort of place for him. Somewhat how some animals do during heats and pregnancy’s. From what you can tell he isn’t in a heat (although it could explain some things) and he certainly isn’t pregnant so it is quite odd behavior for a bird to exhibit.

~|~

You were currently perched inside the nest as you awaited on Avery’s return. He, to your annoyance, insisted on getting a few snacks

You irritably clutched on a corviknight plushie you found in the nest before it was quickly abandoned on Avery’s return. 

In his hands he carried various junk foods but there was an odd one that stood out from the rest.

Tater tots.

After putting down the foods on a little side table he quickly joined you in the Blanket Void TM and quickly into you. His wings wrapped around and whilst spreading sent a turtle duck plushie off of the bed. He quickly let out some gentle cooing as he nuzzled deeply into your neck.

“I’m ready to answer your questions now.”

“Alright, how about an easier question to start off. What’s with the tater tots?”

Of course this question was just a ruse to make sure your device was recording and genuine curiosity.

Avery’s head pulled away from your neck and a frown pulled at his lips. He then proceeded in what you like to call his ‘bby voice’

“Is there something wrong with them? They’re my favorite.”

That-that was not the answer you were expecting. Huh, that’s odd.

“Oh, nothing. Just genuine curiosity.”

Avery immediately relaxed back into your arms after popping a tater tot into his mouth. 

“Now, you say you don’t think there’s anyone else like you. Is it because you believe to be the last of your species?”

He stiffened up once again before digging himself more into you.

“Well no, I think. I don’t believe I am part of a species. This may take a while to explain and please bare with me. This is a rough topic that I haven’t really been able to share with anyone.”

You eagerly nodded your head and made sure to give him some headpats which only induced some coos to leave his throat.

“Well my family were rather wealthy and owned an airplane company and I think we did general logistics stuff. We were also rather catholic although now I think we don’t quite fit that term. At least hope not for the sake of people who are actually catholic.

My mother was the heiress and received a lot of suitors. She was supposedly cursed by one of her suitor’s mother after turning him down. We think this may have led to me.. being me.”

You felt rather disheartened but also even more intrigued by this information. So he doesn’t seem to be part of a species, but an odd mutation? (You highly doubted this is from some curse.)

“So where exactly is your family now”

After speaking you popped a tator tot into your mouth.

“I think about 5 years ago my parents, ironically enough, died in a plane crash. I was pretty much only allowed on the estate, the woods, and the church after my wings developed so I wasn’t allowed with them. That was probably a mistake on their parts.”

You waved your arms a bit.

“Hold up, you siad you weren’t allowed anywhere after your wings developed. Does that mean you weren’t born with them.”

Avery let out a reflexive chuckle.

“Ha ha, well I technically was born with them. I was a healthy baby but I had these bumps on my back. Of course everyone was concerned about these being tumors so I was tested frequently. Turns out they were merely bone and somewhat.. hollow. As I grew the bumps started grow into my wings today. The bone thing is also why I take a good bit of calcium since they’re so fragile.”

“But why weren’t you let anywhere after they developed?”

Avery let out a sigh as he mentally prepared himself.

“After the doctors kinda figured out I was somehow growing wings paired with my purple eyes my parents were very excited for me to be an angel like thing. Yeah, I don’t know their understanding either. Maybe consider me as a miracle of the lord of something? Either way they were rather hopeful of this and treated me like a regular son with giving me an education to run the business. But then I got my feathers. Their dreams of an angel were crushed upon seeing that were not pure white but instead a dark black. They became horrified and I was forced to spend a lot of time at the church and was forced to have exorcism after exorcism performed on me. It.. wasn’t pleasant to say the least. My parents quickly hated me and locked me away. But they still needed an heir and they feared to have another child so I was still given an education as I sometimes needed to appear to confirm that they were nice enough to keep me alive.”

You felt some water cascade down your neck as you could place your arms around him in a hug.

“A-Avery that’s awful. I-I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

Avery gained a small smile as he pulled away from you hug with tears still gliding down his face.

“Y-You’re the first person to every say sorry to me.”

“Oh, Avery. No one should be deprived of that.”

You forced a small grin on your face to try and cheer him up.

“Ok, no more hardcore questions. Stuff that shouldn’t make you cry now. Sorry to open those wounds like that.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I said I would tell you anything. And I’m honestly over joyed to share anything with you.”

How can someone say something so creepy yet sat at the same time? “Alright then, if you’re sure you want to continue. You’re able to communicate with birds from what I can tell. Do they see you as they’re leader or something?”

“Since I was only really allowed in the woods birds quickly became my only friends and company. Also I’ve done a lot of rehabilitation work that a lot seem to feel indebted to me. A lot of birds tend to follow the bigger bird naturally and they see me as a really big bird so they just kinda.. naturally do what I tell them. It also helps that I feed them too.”

“Makes sense, I guess. Like when I saw this heron in a pond one time and a bunch of ducks just followed him around. Last question for the day, alright?”

Avery nodded his head as he pulled you closer.

“I brought like 3 scarves here but I can’t find any of them. I have a slight feeling you may know where they are.”

Of course you couldn’t see it but a dark blush covered Avery’s face.

“W-well two of them are in the nest. I’m afraid that some of the birds got their hands on the other one somehow and are currently using it to snuggle. I’m working on getting them another scarf so you can get yours back.”

Huh, so he puts many different things in his nest. Also now you had to deal with the conflict of you taking a scarf from some cozy, snuggling birds.

“The birds can keep my scarf. I couldn’t just take it from them like that.”

Avery smiled against your neck and cooed.

“I’m sure they’ll be estatic for their cuddling not to be ruined. Now enough questions, more cuddles and movies.”

[bluemueana]

BTS as boyfriends (Hyung Line)

NOTE: Here, I haven’t put them as idols.

Kim Namjoon

How it started~

·        Your independent personality is what would have caught his eye.

·        And since then, he would always try to get your attention.

·        He would ask everything about you from this friend that you both shared.

·        He would ‘accidentally’ bump into you few times.

·        Everything would click instantly.

·        After 4-5 times of meeting and getting to know each other at cafes, you both would decide to make it official.

 What would he be like~

·        Late night (deep) conversations .

·        You both LOVE reading books together.

·        Your parents will love him and visa-versa.

·        You would teach him cooking on Sundays and the two of you would burst into laughs every time. “I don’t think I can cook y/n.”, he would say while laughing. “It’s ok love, I’ll teach you.”

·        He would give you small pecks here and there.

Fights :(

· Fights with him would be rare.

· A frustrated Namjoon from work would mostly be the reason for many arguments.

· But in the end you would calm him down and he would apologize for being rude.

· Apart from that, you both would argue over the most senseless and random things.

· “ Are you kidding me y/n ?! Crabs are the best, not your stupid cats!”

· *Gasp* “ Oh you did not just go there joon !”

· lmao but yes no fight has ever been big enough to damage your relationship.

 The first ILY~

·        He was longing for this moment since the first time he met you.

·        Would always think about saying it but didn’t want to say it too fast or make you awkward.

·        Even though he didn’t want to say it  this way, one day while talking he would randomly blurt it out.

·        You would giggle and say it back.

·        And when you did, he will laugh in relief and then give you a cute little peck.

·  He would say it frequently just to remind you how much you mean to him.

Kim Seokjin

How it started~

  ·   You were at a cooking fest held in Gangnam, Jin couldn’t take his eyes off of you. He was in awe with the way you were cooking and helping others.

  · Jin got some information from the owner of the event (*cough* Bang pd nim *cough*) about you and headed to your address.

· He was a master at cooking and you knew it, so when he asked you to teach him, you were surprised.

· “But you’re better than me at cooking”, you said.

· “Oh um, ya but that dish you made at the event, I was wondering if you could teach me how to make it.” (His lame excuse was accepted tho.)

· “Sure!”

·  And since then, he would come over all the time just to make dishes with you and you also had frequent visits at his residence.

· Both of you loved each other’s company.

· Every Saturday he would come over to cook, binge watch some series and spend some time with you. So, when he didn’t show up, you were worried. You called him.

·  “Jin? Why aren’t you hear yet ?”

· A cough from the other side of the line was what made your eyes widen.

· “Ah y/nie~, I may or may not be a little sick...”

· That was all you needed to hear, you rushed to his apartment.

· Once he opened the door, you saw him wrapped in blankets. You immediately hugged him, which sent blood rush up to his cheeks like always. You made him soup and a great meal for dinner. You took care of him for the rest of the day.

· “I’m sorry you had to look after me for the whole day.”

· “Don’t be, I wanted to take care of you.”

· “Then how about you take care of me for the rest of our lives ?”

· A small chuckle escaped your lips and you gladly accepted his offer.

What would he be like~

· ALWAYS taking care of you.

· Cooking with you is his favorite thing.

· Playing Mario Kart together.

· His dad jokes will lighten up your mood no matter how bad your day is.

· Romantic dates are just his specialty.

· “You look pretty today~”

· “More than you Jinnie ?”

· “Hahaha no”

· Then you would chase him around the apartment. You both would collapse onto the sofa after running for a while and laugh together, sharing sweet ‘I love you’s.

Fights :(

· Fights are just a no for this boy.

· Any situation, and you both would maturely handle it.

· Stupid little arguments here and there but after a few minutes you both would just laugh and make up.

The first ILY~

· You always made him feel happy. He thought the way you laughed could cure any disease.

·  He knew he was deeply in love with you.

· One night while taking a break from watching ‘Hotel Del Luna’, he gave you a sheet of paper and went to the kitchen to grab a coke. The letter was heart-warming. It perfectly described his feelings for you. When your eyes landed to the ‘I love you’ at the end of the page, you hurried to where he was.

· “I love you Jinnie, I love you so so much!” you said while running towards him.

· He hugged you and you both shared a passionate kiss.

· “I will always be there for you y/n.”

Min Yoongi

How it started~

· You were new in the neighborhood. And people weren’t too friendly here.

· One night, when you were sleeping loud music was being played next door. You had an exam the next day so this was pretty annoying.But soon enough the volume was reduced and a slower song was now heard, you went back to sleep easily.

· The next morning, after coming back from your college you saw two inspectors standing outside the house next to yours. Your neighbors were also crowding at the same place. You soon learned that your neighbors had complained about the music and the person next door was being asked to leave the house. You thought they were going a little overboard by forcing him to leave because he could just be a college student and being kicked out could effect him financially and mentally, so you stood up for whoever that person was.

· You didn’t know him/her but considering they didn’t even play anything for too long, you though it’s fine. The inspectors left when you asked them to, much to everyone’s annoyance. Your neighbors gave you a look and left.

· Soon you saw the person responsible for the chaos come out of his house with bags. He came up to you and introduced himself as Yoongi. He saw everything that happened. Yoongi was about to leave the place but saw you sending the inspectors back. No one had ever stood up for him and the fact that you helped him without knowing who he was intrigued him.

·Yoongi was looking at you and thanking you as if you just saved his life which made you smile.

· “Hey thanks for everything, I really appreciate it. And um sorry about last night, didn’t mean to disturb you.”

· “Nah it’s ok. I have faced similar people so I thought it’s best if I help you.”

· “ Well, can I at least treat you to lunch as a thank you ?”

· “ Sure!”

· You both talked for hours. Talking with him was the best thing, he understood you like no one else. He told you his troubled childhood, he doesn’t talk to anyone about this but he felt this need to tell you. You couldn’t help but do the same.

· You both already had a special bond.

What would he be like~

· Sleep dates. (a cuddle baby  🥺 )

· Would teach you the piano.

· At night, you both would sit by the window and talk silently.

· Whenever you are around he is happy, when you aren’t he’s a sad kitten.

· Even cooks special meals for you.

· Would laugh at you when you try to play basketball.

· Writes about you all the time.

· Can’t imagine a life without you. ( dis boi is in luv)

· “You’re amazing, do you know that ? “

Fights :(

· Mad Yoongi is what you avoid all the time.

· When he’s tired, he’s mad.

· But your aura just calms him down, so no big argument takes place.

The first ILY~

· HE WILL BE SHY

· It will probably be after two years of dating because he doesn’t want to rush it.

· He asked you to come over since he made a song for you. The lyrics would be filled with emotions. A special love song he made for you.

· After finishing it he says “ I love you, I really do.”

· “ Oh Yoongi, I love you too”

· His ILYs would be rare which would make them so special, his eyes would light up whenever you said it back.

Jung Hoseok

How it started~

· Your part-time job was babysitting and you loved it. One afternoon, you were asked to babysit at a place, and you would be standing outside the door of the house you would be in for the rest of the day; patiently waiting after ringing the door bell. Soon, the door would swing open to reveal the most beautiful human you had ever seen and somehow you knew he was feeling the same about you.

· “I’m Jung Hoseok and this is my little sister- Areum. Hope she isn’t much trouble today.”

· “She won’t be.”, you smiled reassuringly. Hoseok could swear he felt his heart skip a beat at your smile.

· When he returned, he saw you playing with Areum. He never saw Areum so happy and never had he seen someone as beautiful and as kind and caring as you.

· He would ask you to come over often for his sister, but that was just an excuse to see you.

· You both became best friends right away.

· Hoseok would make you happy like no one else could. And when he finally asked you to be his girlfriend, you couldn’t help but do you your happy dance after saying yes.

What would he be like~

· YOUR SUN.

· His comfort was your favourite thing. It was like you hadn’t been happy at all before you met him.

· He would never fail to remind you just how beautiful you were.

· At evening, he would come over and you would spend half of the time dancing to girl groups.

· Forehead kisses and piggy back rides are a must.

· No matter how bad your day was, he made you feel better; best actually. So you always looked forward to seeing him.

Fights :(

· NO. JUST NO.

· You think it’s possible ?

·  Even if you come back stressed from work, he makes sure you don’t get angry. And whenever he is stressed, you spend time with him and the rest of the day is better for him.

· You could consider this an argument :

“You are the sun y/n~”

“Yah! We talked about this yesterday, you are the sun. Not me!”

“ Oh come on!”

The first ILY~

· You would say it at the same time actually.

· It was when you both were walking in the park together.

· The ‘I love you’ were said at the same time and you both couldn’t stop laughing.

· He then placed a soft kiss on your nose and said “ I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Maknae line will be out on 30th December!)

~Lay

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 2/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

a/n: aaaa i’m so glad everyone liked the first chapter! i think this story will end up staying focused on gigi and crystal for the most part, but there is some (one sided) jankie in this chapter if you’re into that! also: just in case no one got the reference, the nickname crystal gives gigi, ‘georgia rose’,comes from the 1d lyrics “Said her name was georgia rose, and her daddy was a dentist” from their song ‘best song ever’!

gigi: are u okay :( ily crystal

crystal: yeah i just got picked on by this cheerleader that doesnt like me

Technically, she wasn’t lying. Crystal didn’t think it was too bad, considering she really only ever saw Dahlia in history class, but she still made it her mission to make that 45 minutes rough for Crystal whenever possible. This time it was pushing all of Crystal’s belongings off of her desk while she was leaving.

gigi: fuck. im sorry. 

crystal: it’s fine dskjdshjgkjf i wish all cheerleaders could take notes from you and jan

gigi: yaaas me and jan invented being nice

gigi: but i was wondering if maybe you could teach me about one direction later tonight?

Crystal had tried to convince the group earlier in the week that One Direction was the best boy band ever, and had only managed to get Jan to agree. She was glad that Gigi had finally come to her senses.

crystal: finally changing your mind? amazayn!

gigi: i regret asking now. take that pun back to 2011!!!!

The rest of the day went as normal. The chat was pretty active, but eventually died down at the end of the school day. Everyone seemed to have plans; Jan was studying, Jaida was going out to hang with friends, Nicky was sleeping, and Heidi was starting a new challenge on the Sims. It appeared to be just her and Gigi, alone in the group chat. 

Crystal decided to message Gigi privately, not wanting the rest of the girls to see her go into full stan mode. If someone asked Crystal about her interests, she could go hours before thinking of stopping herself.

crystal: ok miss gigi are you ready for your 1d crash course?

Crystal told Gigi everything she wanted to know and even more. A history of how they got together, way too much information on each of the five boys, telling her the best songs on each album, and making sure that Gigi knew ‘Midnight Memories’ was their best album. 

gigi: but ur @ is dedicated to made in the am?? fraud!

crystal: HELPFDFHBJ

crystal: mmcrystal sounds weird… like no thanks 

gigi: that was very interesting.. i’ll def listen to midnight memories in the morning <3

crystal: YAY! gigi 1d stan finally

gigi: no promises! :)

Crystal didn’t respond to that, not really knowing what to talk about now. Having a group of friends helped her be less awkward, but it definitely didn’t fix that problem completely. 

gigi: do u wanna play 21 questions or something?? to get to know eachother better???

Of course, Crystal jumped at the chance to get to know the other girl better. It started very innocently, asking about favorite colors and foods. Gigi quickly changed that.

gigi: uhh… have u ever kissed a girl?

crystal: sadly no.. my state is full of straight people

gigi: same.. ur turn

crystal: this feels awkward to ask but uhhh….

As soon as she hits send, she instantly regrets it. She backtracks what she had originally typed, desperately trying to come up with another question. Crystal was not able to think of anything else.

gigi: ????

“I guess I’ll have to do it,” Crystal says, talking to absolutely no one. She types it out again, looking away from her phone as she blindly tried to hit the send button, like it would help her situation be any less flustering for her.

crystal: how long have you and nicky been dating?

Would Gigi find it weird that she asked? Gigi was the one who brought up kissing girls, not Crystal, so it would be fine. Right?

gigi: CRYSTAL WHATBDGNHSDMFD

gigi: nicky and i are not dating omg im single

gigi: she’s like my sister. plus i would never do long distance

Crystal was so embarrassed. She was relieved this conversation was taking place through a screen, so Gigi wouldn’t see her blushing face. 

She was pleased that she was wrong about the two girls, but Gigi’s answer was upsetting to her.

They asked a few more personal questions before Gigi started asking Crystal would you rather questions instead. Crystal’s favorite out of them was if she would rather get a mullet or dress like a clown every day for the rest of her high school career. The answer was both, obviously. 

They spent the rest of the night sending each other stupid questions, giggling to themselves. The later it got, the more Gigi would flirt with her. At least Crystal thought it was flirting.

gigi: it’s really late and i have a test tomorrow so im gonna go to sleep. goodnight, babe

Gigi always would say ‘goodnight, bitch’, and this made Crystal even more confused. The ongoing joke that lesbians had the hardest time telling if a girl is into them or not was one of Crystal’s favorites, but now she couldn’t help but wonder if that was exactly what was happening to her. There was obviously a connection between them, but it was unclear to Crystal if it was just platonic. 

It didn’t hit her until later that night, while she was trying to fall asleep, but Crystal wasn’t entirely sure where Gigi lived. She knew they were in the same time zone, but wasn’t sure what state she was in. It was totally possible that Gigi lived in Missouri, but Crystal highly doubted it. Though Gigi obviously trusted Crystal enough to want to play 21 questions with her, she was still very private, and Crystal wasn’t too sure if Gigi would tell her what state she was in. 

Crystal fell asleep thinking about her highly unrealistic perfect world, where Gigi lived in Missouri and where Crystal wasn’t just another Nicky. 

-

Crystal got onto Twitter right after waking up the next morning, ready to ask Gigi if she happened to live in Missouri, but quickly got distracted with a very interesting conversation going on in the group chat.

jan!: now i may not be gay but i’m in love with a woman… 2 words jackie

jaida: i- that’s only one word

jan!: fuck

heidi: the way i can’t tell if you’re joking or not

jan!: the way i don’t think i am joking

gigi: YAAS about time u admitted that u like her

crystal: hold on i thought jan was straight?? who’s jackie???

nicky: do you really think a straight person would hang out with us?

crystal: good point 

jan!: I AM STRAIGHT! i think? i don’t know i’m so confused. 

heidi: jackie is jan’s local @ crystal

gigi: jan be like: im straight.

gigi: but also jan is like: wow jackie is so pretty and she’s so funny and smart i’m going to fail geometry so she can tutor me but no homo!

heidi: the delusion janice has…

jaida: not to be serious but if you think you like jackie, you probably aren’t straight baby. everyone else hush and let her talk

nicky: ^^ yeah jan what happened

jan!: first of all i did not fail geometry i just said we should study together so we did!!! and have been for months! but last night i couldn’t focus at all bc she’s so pretty all i wanted to do was k*ss her out of nowhere

In a way, Crystal could definitely relate. Gigi wasn’t her local, she still didn’t know what the girl looked like, but she still kind of wanted to kiss her. She couldn’t focus on anything besides Gigi sometimes, not like she would ever admit it. 

All of the girls had sent many comforting messages addressed to Jan, saying that it was okay, and she has all the time she needs to figure out her feelings. Afterwards, everyone had gone back to being playful. Gigi also tried to convince her to make a move on Jackie, which Jan refused.

gigi: if u talk to her u guys can get married <3

crystal: gigi you’re so stupid i love it

jan!: omg did someone say stupid love??? stream! 

gigi: crystal back me up :(

crystal: i might’ve found out who jackie is only 10 minutes ago but i will cry if jan doesn’t talk to her right now

jan!: better start crying bc i dont think i can even look at her now

jaida: that’s not saying much at all. you cried the other day bc gigi sent a pic of her dog

crystal: I AM A NANCY STAN FIRST AND A HUMAN SECOND!!

Crystal knew she looked like an idiot, walking to her locker with her eyes glued to her phone and a dopey smile on her face but she couldn’t care less.

-

The day actually went well for Crystal. The highlight of her day was finding out that the story she wrote for her creative writing class had gotten the highest grade out of everyone in the class, earning her a piece of candy. 

crystal: just got candy and a 99% on my story for class… i truly have the mind of a mastermind

jaida: beauty and intelligence in one combined!

Navigating through the halls was much more difficult when your eyes are glued to your phone, but replying to a meme Jaida sent seemed much more appealing to Crystal than getting to her seventh period without worrying about bumping into someone.  And bumping into someone, she did.

“What the actual fuck, weirdo?” Dahlia yelped, looking extremely offended, “Get off of your sad, cracked phone and watch where your dumb ass is going.”

Crystal just stared at her, frozen in fear. Dahlia taunted her daily, but this was very different from how she usually acts towards her. It was quite terrifying. 

“I swear to God, if you ever look at me, let alone fucking touch me again-” She continued, but before she could finish her statement, she was interrupted by her friend, Georgina running over and pulling her away. 

Crystal didn’t think Georgina shared Dahlia's hatred for her, and Crystal didn’t hate Georgina either. Georgina actually seemed very sweet besides the fact that she had never bothered to step in on the rare occasion Dahlia happened to target Crystal outside of class.

“Can you please leave her alone? We don’t have time for this.” Georgina groaned, looking back at Crystal, flashing her a quick smile, before turning around to escort Dahlia to what Crystal assumed was cheerleading practice.

“But she bumped into me!” Dahlia whined, not used to being interrupted like this.

“Really? Wow, funny. I don’t care.”

Once they were out of sight, Crystal was alone again. She pulled out her phone and went to check if anyone had said anything else in the chat; just Jan freaking out, because Jackie had smiled at her in the hallway.

heidi: everyone say i if you think jan should stop being a baby and ask jackie out

jaida: i

crystal: i

jan!: WTF

jan!: friendship ended with heidi, jaida and crystal. now nicky and gigi are my best friends

jaida: they would say i too if they were online and you know that

jan!: i don’t need friends! they disappoint me!

Crystal decided to not use her phone while she was walking home, not wanting to have a repeat of the Dahlia situation. Her after school routine changed a lot in the past week, making a rule to not check Twitter before completing her homework. Her Twitter addiction was getting worse, but since it was also causing her to be more productive with doing her homework, she saw no issues with it. Once she had finished, she picked up her phone to see that Gigi had messaged her less than a minute ago.

gigi: hey clown :) im done w practice

crystal: WHY AM I A CLOWNDFSHDM

gigi: u just have clown energy. i cant and wont explain 

crystal: honestly yeah i see it but can i at least be your clown wife or something

gigi: yeah <3 hey clown wife! i listened to most of midnight memories and it was really good! my fave song is u and i

If that’s not love, then what is? If that’s not friendship, then what is? Crystal had never been able to get anyone to listen to anything she recommended, ever. She was filled with glee, double tapping the message to heart it. It meant a lot to her.

crystal: YAYAYAYAYA im so glad but it looks so ugly when you spell it like that 

gigi: my fave song you and i* >:(

crystal: better 

gigi: if i have to stop spelling it as u to make you not divorce me i will

Crystal knew deep down it was just a joke, but it made her heart race. The feeling she got every time Gigi would flirt with her was very unfamiliar, but very nice. It didn’t help that Crystal thought ‘You and I’ was one of the most romantic songs One Direction had, she couldn’t help but make the fact Gigi liked it out of all of the other songs into something it was not.

This reminded her of her late night thoughts. She had completely forgotten to ask Gigi where she lived, but the idea didn’t seem the greatest now that she was fully awake. She was still curious though, so against her better judgement she asked, without a segway or anything.

crystal: i forgot to ask but what state do you live in? asking for science

gigi: oh i live in missouri

crystal: omg me too

gigi: i don’t wanna reveal where but this is amazing.. maybe we won’t have to break the distance at all <3

Pleased that she somehow got an answer, Crystal changed the conversation into a discussion of ‘Midnight Memories’, and if Gigi agreed with the opinions Crystal had shared the night before. She did, for the most part and before they knew it, it was time for Gigi to go sleep. Had they really talked all evening? 

gigi: i have to get up early so i need to go to sleep but im really glad jan added u to the gc

crystal: and im happy you asked me about one direction!

gigi: me too. ur cute when ur passionate. i hope we can continue to grow closer

crystal: i’d like that.

gigi: goodnight, my clown :)

crystal: goodnight, georgia rose

gigi: U DID NOT

gigi: my full name isnt even georgia and dad isnt even a dentist but i’ll allow it bc i know u think u invented comedy

gigi: ok gn now <33 luv u

crystal: gn!!! sleep well

Crystal wanted them to stay like this forever.

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: Forged Through Fire (2/13)

Summary: Amestris. Once democratic, now a military dictatorship. Prohibition is strict; personal freedoms curtailed. All alchemists must be state-licensed or face imprisonment. Foreigners are met with suspicion. It’s a grim place and a grim time, but there are some people able to bring a little light to the world. Behind an innocent-looking bookshop, speakeasy proprietor Chris Mustang has formed an unlikely alliance with unlicensed alchemist Van Hohenheim to provide alcohol to those who want it and medical care to those who need it. When Riza’s newly complete tattoo becomes infected, Roy brings her into this underworld, little knowing the way it will change their lives in the future – uncovering the secrets of the mythical Philosopher’s Stone and the schemes of a Fuhrer hell-bent on achieving immortality, all whilst navigating what they mean to each other.

===

Rated: T

[One] [AO3]

===

Content warning for this chapter: Discussion of domestic abuse – parent on child; implied self-harm and discussion of self-harm.

===

Forged Through Fire

Two

The phone ringing startled Roy out of the doze he hadn’t realised he’d fallen into, and he jumped up out of his chair, massaging the crick in his neck as he went over to the phone on the wall.

“Mustang.”

“Hello Roy. It’s Riza. Riza Hawkeye.”

“Riza.”

For a good long while, Roy had absolutely no idea what to say to her. He hadn’t seen her since the day that he’d finished his training under Berthold and passed his state licence exam, although they’d kept in touch with the occasional letter. It was the first time she’d ever called him since he’d moved out of barracks and got his own apartment with his own phone line, and the novelty of hearing her voice again after all the time that had passed was enough to render him speechless. Finally he regained his tongue.

“It’s good to hear your voice again,” he said.

“Yeah. It’s good to hear yours, too.” She sounded quiet, her voice low and measured as if she’d been crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“My father died.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you.” There was a long pause on the other end of the line. “The funeral’s on Friday if you want to come. Please don’t feel obligated. There won’t be all that many people there. He wasn’t exactly a social man.”

“I’ll be there.”

“Thank you.” The relief in her voice was almost palpable, even over the phone. “So… How have you been?”

“All right. Not doing much, we haven’t been shipped out anywhere yet so it’s mainly just paperwork and patrols.” God, this was the inanest conversation ever. He hadn’t spoken to Riza for a year and a half, and this was what he was finding to talk about? “How are you holding up?”

“I don’t know how to feel right now if I’m honest. Everything’s so… weird. It’s not like when Mom died. Everything was easy then. I was sad because she wasn’t there anymore. This time…”

Roy knew exactly why she trailed off. Receiving letters from Riza in the time since he finished with Berthold had always been bittersweet. He knew the situation she was in, and he had no idea how to help her out of it. Now, she was out of it more by luck – if death could be considered luck – than judgement, and he still felt a stab of guilt that he had not been able to do anything for her.

“Yeah. I understand.” Did he really? “Do you need anything?” He didn’t want to think of her in that ramshackle old house all by herself. “Groceries, company, anything?”

“I’m ok. I’ve got everything sorted. I think I just need to know there’ll be a friendly face at the funeral. Thanks.”

“Any time.” He was reminded of the time he took her to the bar after her tattoo got infected. “How’s your back?”

“Sorry?”

“It was a long train of thought. How’s your back doing?”

“It’s fine.” For the first time, he thought that she might be smiling on the other end of the phone. “I’ve not had any problems at all since Trisha and Hohenheim fixed me up.” There was a pause. “Are they still there at Madam Christmas’s?”

“Yep. I don’t think they’ll ever leave.”

Riza laughed. “Well, send my regards next time you see them.”

“I will. I guess I’ll see you on Friday.”

“Till Friday. Thank you, Roy.”

They said their goodbyes, and Roy stayed staring at the phone for a long time after he hung up. It was only now that he realised just how much he had missed Riza in the intervening time. Perhaps it was because they had never completely lost touch with each other that the separation had not seemed as absolute as it did now; she had always still been on the periphery of his world, even if she wasn’t regularly in it like Aunt Chris and his new friends and colleagues within the military. Now he realised just how long it had been.

She hadn’t changed at all, and when he saw her standing in the cemetery on the grey and miserable morning of the funeral, he was almost relieved to see that she was still just the same Riza. Although, that said, not exactly the same. There was something behind her eyes, a little bit haunted. Maybe it was just grief, maybe it was something far more complicated. She gave a wan smile when she saw him, making her excuses to the scant other mourners and coming over to him.

“Hey. It’s good to see you again.”

“Likewise. Are you ok?”

She nodded. “I’m getting there. It’s still all so surreal.” She glanced over towards the grave and the drab preacher getting ready to intone the service. “Shall we go? It shouldn’t take too long, I don’t think. I mean, what is there to say about him?”

Roy would have given her the usual platitudes about Berthold being a good man and a great alchemist, but whilst the latter may have been technically true, neither really rang true to Roy’s ears in regard to Riza. Berthold might have been the one to teach him flame alchemy, but he had also been the one to permanently ink that flame alchemy on Riza’s back and shape the course of her life forever. The words she had spoken to him on that fateful day when she’d shown him the array had always echoed in his mind. What’s done is done. Nothing could change the fact that the tattoo existed, and that Berthold had been the one to put it there. Nothing would ever erase that. Nothing Roy or anyone else could do would ever be able to make that better. Did that mean he didn’t ought to try?

The service was short, just the usual empty words over a plain casket, and Roy hung back as Riza received the well wishes of the few other attendees until she was alone with the headstone again.

Riza sighed. “Is it bad that when everyone says ‘I’m so sorry’, there’s a part of me – a large part – that thinks ‘I’m not’?”

Roy shook his head. “No. I don’t think so. I think given everything, that’s natural.”

“When I looked in on him that morning and found him… I thought I’d feel sad, or that I’d panic, or maybe that I’d just feel numb. But honestly the thing I felt the most was anger. Not because he was dead, that he’d been taken from me in that respect. I wasn’t angry at the world. I wasn’t even really angry at him. I was angry with myself, because I hadn’t done anything, and now he’s dead and I don’t have the chance to call him out for everything he did.”

“It’s not your fault. What could you have done?” He paused. “It’s everyone else who should have been doing something.”

“Hey, don’t blame yourself either. He had just as much of a position of power over you as he did me. In a different way, but I’ve heard cynics say that apprenticing under an alchemist is equivalent to selling your soul to them until you pass your licence.”

“Yeah. But after I passed my licence. Anyway, enough about me. Do you want to come somewhere and talk about it somewhere that’s not a very windy cemetery with rain threatening any moment?”

Riza nodded. “Yeah. I could really use a drink right now.”

Roy smiled. “All right. Come with me.”

It was a quiet and contemplative walk through the city towards the bar, and Roy couldn’t help giving the odd glance sideways over at Riza as they made their way through the damp streets. It had rained earlier, and the clouds were still hanging dark and heavy in the sky. In a way, the weather reflected the entire city – dark, oppressive, unrelenting; constantly hanging over their heads like the Sword of Damocles.

Amestris hadn’t always been like this, according to those who’d seen it in its heyday. Roy was still too young to remember a time before the Fuhrer had come to power and democracy had given way overnight to the grim dictatorship they’d now found themselves living in, but Aunt Chris and Hohenheim remembered it. They’d made the best of things in the best way they knew how – defying the law and doing what was needed anyway.

A part of him wished that they didn’t have to do it, that he could somehow come into a grand inheritance and set them up comfortably for the rest of their days, but he knew them both and he knew they’d still keep doing what they were doing even if money was no object. There were some things that were more important than staying on the right side of the law.

Still, just because they had carved out their own little niche in the new world they lived in didn’t mean that they couldn’t be nostalgic for better times. Aunt Chris wasn’t one for reminiscing, but he’d found her and Hohenheim sharing the good Drachman vodka more than once after last orders had been called.

His thoughts ended up coming full circle round to Berthold and the many arguments they’d got into over Roy’s decision to join the military. Berthold could remember the time before and held no love for the military regime he was now living under. Roy had never known different but knew enough to be well aware that he was becoming part of the problem. With a problem like this, though, with something so well-established and deeply ingrained, it was impossible to effect any sort of change except from within, and when he had first joined the academy, Roy had been naïve enough to think he could be the one to make that change.

Four years later, he was not quite as convinced, but his determination still held fast.

Vanessa was on duty in the bookshop today, and if she seemed surprised to see them coming in at four o’clock in the afternoon then she didn’t show it, simply waving him through without a word. She gave Riza a little more scrutiny, but since she was coming in with him, there wasn’t a lot of point in giving her the third degree. Of everyone who was involved with Madam Christmas’s bar, Roy was the one who was most aware of the need for secrecy. One of the advantages of joining the military and becoming part of the regular city patrols was getting inside knowledge on which premises were about to be raided as suspected liquor hideaways and being able to subtly clear the bookshop from the records. If it was an abuse of power, well, at least it wasn’t hurting anyone like most of the rest of the abuses of power that the military undertook on a regular basis.

Aunt Chris was behind the bar as usual when they got down into it, and she nodded over to a corner table, where Armstrong and Hughes were already sitting with Gracia. Roy turned back to Riza as Hughes waved him over.

“They’re friends and colleagues. We don’t have to join them if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine.” Riza smiled. “I think some happy company sounds like a good idea right now.”

“Roy!” Hughes grabbed the coats that had been holding the other chairs at the table. “Is this the girl you were telling us about?”

“This is Riza Hawkeye, yes. She’s Berthold’s daughter. Riza, this is Alex Armstrong and Maes Hughes, and Hughes’ girlfriend Gracia.”

“Actually, Gracia is no longer my girlfriend.”

Roy raised an eyebrow. Considering how giddy Hughes sounded, he highly doubted that there had just been a break-up.

“She’s my fiancée!”

Gracia gave a long-suffering sigh, but the smile in her eyes showed that she still found Hughes’ antics endearing after being with him for a year.

“Congratulations.” Riza took a seat beside Gracia and the two were soon deep in conversation as Roy went over to the bar to get the next round in.

Chris gave him a look.

“I’m glad you’ve turned up. He’s starting to be insufferable. Why did I let you persuade me to allow your friends in?”

“Because you love me.”

“Unfortunately, that’s true.” Chris peered over his shoulder at Riza. “How did it go at the funeral?”

“Much of a muchness, really. What can you say about a man who was a complete recluse dedicated to his research above all else, including his daughter?”

“Roy, you can’t keep beating yourself up about that. And for God’s sake, not now. She’s got enough on her plate; she doesn’t need to prop up your guilt as well. Don’t make her carry more than she has to. If she wants to be mad at you for not rescuing her then that’s her decision and she can do it in her own time.”

She continued to pour the drinks, and Roy leaned back against the bar, watching his friends.

“You’re not subtle,” Chris said behind him. “Who knows? Maybe now that you’re back in touch, you’ll finally ask her out.”

“Madam!”

“I call them how I see them, Roy-Boy. Remember you’ve always got the perfect date location right here.”

“Yeah, with Vanessa and Fiona teasing me every time I go in and out and you watching like a hawk.”

“Freudian slip there?”

“Shut up.”

He grabbed the drinks and brought them back over to the table, where Hughes was now expounding the current barracks rumour mill theory that Tim Marcoh had faked his own death and was now serving as personal physician to the Emperor of Xing. At least Riza was smiling, and although that tired and haunted look behind her eyes had not gone away, he could tell that the smile was genuine.

It was only later, once Armstrong, Hughes and Gracia had left them, that he could recognise the sheer exhaustion and the willpower it was taking her to hold everything together.

“Do you want me to take you home?”

Riza shook her head. “No. Not yet. I don’t think I can face that big empty house knowing that there’s no one else in it and there never will be again. And knowing that I’m going to have to sell it. It’s not the selling it that’s the problem really, I’m not so attached to it. It’s just all the paperwork involved.”

“Well, you don’t have to think about it right now. And I can always stay over if you want.” Riza gave him a sharp look. “I mean on the sofa!” He tried to backtrack. “So that it’s not so big and empty and lonely.”

She laughed. “No, I’ll be ok. I’m just not ready to face it quite yet.” There was a long pause. “Your friends are nice.”

“They can be a bit much, but they mean well.”

“I wasn’t being sarcastic; they really are nice. Although I think Alex’s goodbye hug might have broken all my ribs.”

“Yeah, he’s not good with ‘subtle’.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Riza sat back in her chair, looking up at the ceiling. “The weirdest thing is not knowing what comes next. I’ve never really had any plans. Well, I had plans but they’re not going to work out. I always just thought I’d end up keeping house for my father until… well, until he died. I just hadn’t reckoned on it being so soon. I’ve got my entire life ahead of me and I have no idea what I’m going to do with it. It’s scary, in a way.”

“What were your plans originally?”

Riza shook her head. “It’s stupid.”

“It can’t be that stupid.”

“Fine. I was going to follow in your footsteps. I wanted to join the military and help you do what you’re doing, trying to change the system from within. But then my back happened so that’s out now.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“I’m not really much good for anything else. What other careers require crack shot aiming skills?” Riza snorted. “Looking back I’m honestly surprised he let me near a gun. Maybe he was cocky enough to know I’d never turn it on him.”

Roy wanted to say something, the urge to apologise again bubbling up in the back of his mind, but he squashed it down. Like Chris had said, Riza was dealing with enough conflicted feelings of her own, she didn’t need his guilt as well.

They continued to drink in silence for a while, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Back when he’d first started learning under Berthold, they’d spent quite a lot of time together like this in the kitchen of the Hawkeye home, and it was surprising how easy it was to slip back into that familiarity despite the intervening years.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the drapes along the back wall twitching and Trisha coming out of the clinic. There was a flash of red lightning as Hohenheim transmuted the door into the wall, and then he came out too.

“We’re off,” Trisha said to Chris. “We’re not expecting anyone else tonight, but you know how to get hold of us if there’s an emergency.”

They left the bar hand in hand and Roy watched them go. When he looked back at Riza, her eyes were following them too, with a kind of longing. She had never given voice to anything, at least not in Roy’s earshot, but he’d often had the thought and he knew she must have had it too. Her back meant that she could never be intimate with anyone. Well, at least not without literally trusting them with her life.

“Roy… Would you do me a favour?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t agree yet, you don’t know what it is.”

“Ok. What is it?”

“Will you burn my back?”

“What?”

“I want to get rid of this thing.” Riza wasn’t looking him in the eye, just staring at the dregs in the bottom of her wine glass. “I want it gone so that I can have a normal life and do all the normal things I should be able to do. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of him having control over me even though I just buried him. It doesn’t matter that he’s dead, he’s always going to have this piece of me, and I don’t want it anymore. I just want it to be over.”

“Riza, maybe it would be better if you think on this without three glasses of wine in you.”

The thought of doing it made him feel sick. He was a state alchemist, and he was career military; he knew that he’d be called on to use flame alchemy on people in the future. He knew he would have to use it to kill people. He’d almost made his peace with that pre-emptively, knowing he would hopefully be able to atone for it once he’d worked to make everything better.

Burning Riza though, even at her own request… Hadn’t she already suffered enough at the hands of flame alchemists?

“It’s not a new idea, Roy. I’ve been thinking about it all week.”

“I still think this isn’t the best time to be discussing it. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll come over and we’ll talk about it then. Honestly, Riza, it’s a large area of skin and the damage I’d have to do to destroy it completely, I think it would kill you.”

Riza nodded. “I understand.”

There was a long silence after that, and in the wake of Riza’s request it was an unusually tense one; the uneasiness remaining long after Riza had changed the subject and they were talking freely again. By the time he was walking her back to the Hawkeye house, though, things seemed to have lightened, and Riza seemed to be feeling a little better.

X

Roy had managed to put the conversation to the back of his mind for most of the following day. He’d taken a few days’ leave for the funeral to be there for Riza if she needed him; she had no other relatives to help her out and she’d lived an isolated enough life not to have any real friends either.

It was only when the phone in the bar rang and Chris passed it over to him that he remembered with a jolt what Riza had asked of him, and his heart was in his mouth as he heard her quiet and hitching voice on the other end of the line.

“Roy, I need your help. I’ve made a massive mistake.”

[himooonlight]

who are you? pt. 4 (reggie x reader)

pairing: reggie x reader

word count: 4.4k

plot: you dream about reggie constantly and when you see him perfoming with julie, you decide to ask her about him

warnings: confusion? EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE THOUGH, I PROMISE

A/N: look who is back :) I wanna thank @i-should-be-writing-my-own-fic for being so sweet to me and giving me such a thoughtful feedback about the story. that gave me the motivation I needed to keep writing - so keep in mind that comments help the writer, ok? just hope I’m not disappointing anyone with this chapter by the way… and sorry again for taking forever to update.

here's chapter 1, chapter 2 and chapter 3

it’s @carolineeforbes' gif, by the way; I’m not sure how to add that “gif by…” at the end (cause I’m old and I know nothing about html)

As soon as the last class of the day ends, I make my way to Julie's locker so we can go to the cafe together. I haven't seen Reggie all day, but something tells me he's just as nervous as I am. Waiting for her, alone, I let my mind go to him, remembering his sweet smile.

  There's something about him that gives me peace. It's not explainable or rational; it's just there. An invisible feeling that makes me ecstatic, blissful because he exists. And if that's not love, if it's something else, I can accept and live with it knowing that he taught me how to feel visible, alive.

  Ironically, he is none of those things.

  - Y/N, hi! - Nick's voice greets me. - How are you?

  Nick is alone too. His blue eyes are darker than usual and his aura makes me shiver - more so than yesterday, his presence is heavy and disturbing. And I can't understand why. His clothes are darker than usual and even his cute freckles look more aggressive, if that's possible.

  Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, but I can almost swear I see the own devil in the smile on his face. His whole body looks stiffer and more brutal, making me step back mindlessly and look around for somebody that could confirm that his eyes are actually trying to hurt me.

  I'm out of my mind, for sure.

  - Hey, Nick. - I say. My voice is breathy and low, matching my demeanor. - I'm alright. How about you?

  I don't really wanna know about him and it's borderline annoying how my body is responding to the situation. My hands are shaking so much I have to hide them in my pockets. When my eyes start watering, I understand just how terrible the situation really is.

  - Why are you so afraid of me, hum? - There's an eerie glow in his eyes that can only be described as demonic. Nick is following my every move, almost like he is trying to control my actions or read my mind. When he gets closer to me and lets his thumb meet my right cheek, a single tear rolls down, to what he smiles. He's enjoying the situation. - It's just me.

  It's not him. It's not Nick.

  I don't know what is going on, but this person is evil.

  I can smell Nick's breath and see it too. It's purple and dense and I'm for sure out of my mind, because I can see it all around us as if trying to suffocate me.

  The purple mist swirls around my head and vanishes quickly while my tears dry. Nick's smile disappears and his stare holds something heavy like betrayal. He looks disappointed, annoyed, angry, all together.

  - I can't believe this. - He murmurs, stepping back. The boy is imitating a lost puppy or a spoiled kid that isn't getting what he wants. - Your soul is…

  Nick looks so shocked and that gives me strength. The sudden vigor allows me to break our eye contact and recompose myself, just in time to blink and get an image in my head like a daydream. But it wasn't a dream or my imagination; it feels like a memory, just like what I experience with Reggie.

  I see a big stage. The curtains are embroidered with CC's and everything is either black or gold. There's a tall man standing in the center, with the same aura as Nick, and the same expressive eyes. He's screaming for attention and validation.

  The man is wearing a velvet suit and sparkly shoes. I can tell he's narcissistic and have some kind of power over people, because nobody around the place is looking directly at him. They all look scared and conflicted; probably because he demands attention but makes them feel bad about it.

  Someone opens the curtain a little bit more and I can see a big glass box filled with water. Three assistants wrap his hands and feet with chains and when he sees me staring, a devious grin spreads across his face, making me shiver and get an urge to run.

  I manage to do that, going back to the school halls in real life, ignoring all that happened in my mind just seconds before.

  Nick is nowhere to be seen and my body is not shaking anymore.

  - Hey, Y/N. - Julie says. Flynn smiles at me and I try my best to do the same, but I'm still overwhelmed by the feeling of being controlled. - Are you alright? Not to be that person, but you look like you've seen a ghost.

  Flynn laughs while her friend winks at me, lighting up the mood. Still, I can't wrap my head around what just happened. I feel sick to my stomach, dizzy and they probably can see it in my face that I'm not fine.

  - Don't know if Reggie said anything to you, but they talked and Alex doesn't feel ready to go to the coffee shop yet. He's afraid that they're going to move on and disappear and he's not sure if that's what he wants now. - She explains. Flynn nods her head the whole time, agreeing with everything Julie says and making me wonder how much she knows. Probably everything. - But, really, are you feeling ok?

  - I think I just need to go home and sleep a bit. - After trying my best to assure them I'll be fine, I start making my way to the parking lot. We're not the best of friends, so I don't feel comfortable explaining anything, especially when Reggie's nowhere to be seen. - I'll see you tomorrow, ok?

  I can't find my sister's car when I get to our usual spot, so I just stand there, calming my senses and looking at the sky. It's a beautiful day with a few clouds and it's impossible not to find solace in the pretty blue infinity.

  The clouds are moving in all its glory. The cumulus clouds are very fluffy and not very high in the sky, letting me notice their cotton-like appearance distinctly. It's so peaceful that I can't stop my mind from wandering to Reggie and that same feeling of harmony and happiness that he makes me feel.

  - Julie told me you were not feeling well. - The boy startles me, making me jump and almost scream. - Did you fall? Did you eat something bad? Maybe you should go to the hospital. I should know that considering I died from a bad hot dog. What did you have?

  His wide eyes and fast words make me laugh, forgetting everything that happened previously. He tries to touch my hand and signs when that doesn't happen. I do the same, regretting momentarily the day I met him.

  I know I love Reggie. That feeling, however, is like getting tickled and laughing out loud. For someone just passing by, it might look like we're having fun, but it's also painful and excruciating. A smile doesn't necessarily means joy; sometimes it's just a mechanism to stay positive. And positivity is very important when the person you love is a ghost.

  - I'm alright now, don't worry. - In cue, Daisy arrives. - Wanna go home with me? - I ask, covering my mouth with my hand, pretending to yawn. He follows me without answering and the way Day looks at me as soon as I get inside tells me that she believes her little sister is simply happy with the tickling. - Hey.

  - Well, well, well. Look who is in love.

  Reggie sits in the backseat and it's inevitable to feel nervous. It doesn't really matter that Day can't see him; the only important thing is that we haven't talked about feelings yet and now he knows how I feel.

  He knows what I feel: love.

  Suddenly I am drowning in dichotomy, a bipolar feeling of relief and nervousness. 

  I am relieved that the "decision" is no longer in my hands.

  It's like that child's game, hot potato. The ball would pass in a circle and if the song ends and you are holding the object, the responsibility to run after someone is in your hands. Every time I held the ball as a kid, I felt excitement, anxiety and nervousness and yet I still enjoyed playing the game, even with the risk of losing. 

  Reggie knowing how I feel is basically that same feeling of not knowing whether I would have to run or be disappointed and relieved at the same time for not being chosen. The next step is his to take; to either stop the music or continue singing.

  - Sis? - Daisy's voice brings me back to the car and all the consequences. - Are you ok?

  - Yeah, yeah. Just a bit nervous about some school stuff.

  I met Reggie in school, so it's not exactly a lie. Josh's voice rings in my head saying "I ain't calling you a truther" and making me wish I could tell everybody about how I met Reginald and how much I like him.

  - We went from love interest to school project. Y/N, we really need to talk. - Reggie's remarks make me roll my eyes. - What am I to you? And you don't need to be nervous, darling. It's just me.

  It's just me.

  Same words that left Nick's lips.

  I feel shivers running down my spine, remembering everything. His gaze, the strong perfume and my own thoughts all over the place. What about my soul? What about me that scared him so much? And that stage? The magician?

  Too many questions for someone that just wanted a few answers.

  - Reggie, please, we'll talk later.

  Oh, no.

  Daisy is looking at me like I am crazy and she's possibly right. There's no way I am not losing my mind by now.

  - Who is Reggie?

  Oh, no.

  - Reggie?

  - Yeah, you just said his name. Is this part of your school thingy? - She bounces like a little kid, making me breathe normally. She's not about to ask if I lost my mind, great. - Practicing some of those insanely creative theatre games? How does this one work?

  Oh, yes.

  - I have to create this character, right? - Reggie scoots closer to listen to my explanation, sitting on the edge of the seat. I can see him through the rearview mirror and he has a curious expression on his face. A very cute expression that makes me smile. - For the whole day I have to talk to him, Reggie, like he really exists. - Daisy beams and that gives me courage to continue. - I get extra points if I get to make somebody else speak and interact with him, so do you wanna try?

  I really ain't a truther.

  The thing with my family is that they are incredibly supportive, especially Daisy and my dad. My sister's bad temper is not even half as intense as her supportive-big-sister-mode. Probably because of that that I don't have many friends - because it is very easy to get lost in my family's love. They make me feel like I don't really need other people, like nobody else would be as important as them, so why try? I've always had friends here and there, but opening up and trusting is a whole different story.

  Maybe that's why Reggie had such an impact on me; because he made me realize that the world is bigger than my little bubble, than what meets the eye.

  - I need to know a little more about this Reggie dude. Characteristics, please.

  - Reggie, what do you want me to tell her? - I look at him, turning my head to face his way and the view makes my heart melt: he's staring at us with thankful eyes.

  The boy is on the verge of tears. Happy tears, apparently. It feels so heartwarming to see his big white smile and his freckles from up close.

  - I… I don't know. What do you want her to know about me?

  - Well, Day is more than just my sister. - I reply while Daisy just smiles, keeping her attention on the road. - She's my best friend, so I'd like her to know everything about you. I know she'll like you anyways cause you're both sweethearts. You two like Star Wars and she says she hates puns, but that's a lie. And you're always making jokes and being adorable, so that's a start, right? You'll get along just fine.

  - What about appearance-wise? Is he cute? - My sister's question has Reggie laughing and blushing. Their interaction is so cute and the tears on Reggie's eyes say the same.

  - He has deep blue eyes, a pointy nose and some freckles that look like the galaxy. For all I know he could have the whole bear keeper constellation on his face, I swear. - The way he observes me speaking foolishly about him is encouraging and sweet. He seems to be admiring me too, intrigued by the way I describe his features.

  - Bear keeper constellation, hum? He should watch out for poisoning then.

  My sister giggles scares the hell out of me and by Reggie's silence and wide eyes, he's panicking too.

  - What? - I mumble.

  - Icarius? The wine story? - She tries explaining, but seeing my confused semblance, she continues. - Icarius died because some people thought he poisoned them with wine. They didn't understand alcohol back then and well, he died for nothing. Poor guy. After all, a god really did trust him with the wonders of wine because he was such a great person and he basically died for that. For being too good. - She shrugs like it's nothing, like I am not surprised and startled by the coincidence. I never heard that story in my life. - But what else? I wanna know more about him.

  Reggie shakes his head and closes his mouth, blinking a few times in the process. I take my time to study him once again, ignoring my own surprise.

  - He's funny, positive, loves animals and can be a bit of an airhead, but that's cause he's very creative and imaginative. He is a bassist, likes flirting and I'd say he uses jokes as a way to cope with sadness.

  I can't look at him while saying those things, so I fix my posture and stare at the car in front of us. It's too personal and I don't know how he truly feels about me and the way I read him. After all, I officially met him yesterday and every single dream could be wrong. My version of him could be wrong.

  I could only hope I was right and he would keep singing in that silent game of hot potato.

  - The only important question left is: what's his Harry Potter house?

  And that's how we spend the rest of the day watching Harry Potter, with Reggie sitting beside me with his eyes glued to the tv screen. When Chamber of Secrets ends, my parents get home and Day quickly explains that we'll be having company for dinner. Reggie doesn't leave my side for a second and even though I could speak to him when my sister was around, my parents might think differently, so I don't really hold my breath.

  - We have company for dinner, dad. - Daisy says.

  - Oh, really? - My dad asks. He's already in the kitchen, so we follow him there. Reggie sits on the counter while Day helps with the food and I just stand by the door, looking at my family. - Who is coming?

  Daisy does something funny with her eyebrows, teasing me, and I roll my eyes, because that's very rich coming from her. Reggie is silent, just studying our reactions and conversations, so I decide to imitate him, sitting by his side. I want him to feel included in the family, like he belongs there, like he is welcome in our house.

  - Dad, this is my friend Reginald, but you can call him Reggie. - I say, pointing at the boy next to me. I know they can't see him; it would be impossible considering he is dead. Reggie's eyes, however, beg for love and appreciation, so I don't mind making a fool of myself if that means I get to make him feel comfortable. - He'll be eating dinner with us tonight, if that's alright.

  - Well, sure. - My father answers, with a smile on his face and no second thoughts whatsoever. - We're happy to have you here, Reggie.

  Daisy winks at me and Reggie is astonished with my dad's answer, especially because he really is looking and speaking in his direction, to the place I pointed. That probably makes him feel alive, but I don't really have time to say anything else because soon enough my dad walks up to him and goes for a handshake. My dad doesn't wait for Reggie's hand to shake it, but the boy doesn't mind and lets his transparent skin go through my dad's solid body, trying any kind of connection he can.

  - Cold hands, hum? But are you really just friends with my daughter? Cause I don't recall any friends staying for dinner before.

  It's not really a surprise that my father would participate in any kind of experiment, project or whatever he thinks this is; his trust and love for me are the only irrational part of him and he is very good at that - trusting me with his eyes closed. As Daisy explains everything to him, his tired figure just keeps cooking dinner and making a few questions here and there. He starts with the basic "how was your day?" and moves on to "bassist that loves country music? That's new. I would like to listen to your music, Reggie".

  He's not weirded out by the situation and that makes me wonder if I should tell him the truth. Or at least half of it. Maybe he wouldn't understand everything, but at least I'd feel lighter. When he starts telling us the positive stories that he's seen in the hospital today, Reggie interrupts his monologue by leaving the kitchen, so I follow him.

  - What's wrong? - I ask, indicating my room. He goes in and I close the door. - Is everything okay?

  He doesn't answer for a moment. He just stands there, looking out the window. His torso is covered in the same black leather jacket that I've seen so many times before in my dreams and his hair looks perfect. He looks perfect. Even when he sniffs and starts crying.

  He looks perfect and I'm freaking out.

  - I am so sorry for today, Reggie. It was never my intention to make you feel bad, I swear. That doesn't mean you shouldn't feel whatever you're feeling; I'm just justifying myself really. - I start mumbling, letting the words come out of my mouth with no filter. - You don't have to stay, if you don't want to. You can leave and we can talk tomorrow... I don't know.

  He's not singing in our game of hot potato. Reggie's sad and it's painful to see him like that, crying, perhaps even regretful. After the heavy day, I can't stop myself from crying too, feeling unwanted, wrong.

  My heart hurts.

  My heart hurts for him, almost like we share the same body.

  - I forgot how much I missed being alive. - He says, letting his fingers roam his cheeks, cleaning any signs of tears. - It's not just about dying young, you know? It's like ordering a pizza that you know will never arrive, but you still don't order another one. You just keep waiting and waiting. And you can almost taste it; the cheese, the smell, the love in the shape of pepperoni… but it's still not enough. Being a ghost is not enough for me, Y/N. I need to make my own pizza or order something else.

  A glimpse of determination in Reggie's eyes makes me feel uneasy. If Alex said he didn't want to find out, "ordering something else" is off limits. Going alone to the cafe looking for answers could mess their friendship and hurt all of them even more.

  - Are you sure you can't wait a little bit more? We can wait together, if it helps. - My reasoning is not the best in the world; I am basically bargaining more time with him. - We can finish Harry Potter, I can show you some music. And, of course, you still have Julie and your friends, right? Maybe the pizza will arrive, Reggie. Have a little faith.

  He opens his mouth a few times, trying to say something, but nothing comes out. He shrugs and turns around, staring at the window again. Outside, the weather is the same and everything looks peaceful. But inside of him, things are different. His world is not the same as it was when he entered my house.

  He wants answers now.

  - What kind of music do you wanna show me?

  His smile is not reaching his eyes, but I take whatever I can get, grabbing my phone quickly and playing Taylor Swift. He falls in love with her banjo songs, like I knew he would, and then shows me some of his favorite musicians. We talk about movies and he's impressed to know that Back To The Future is a classic, considering that none of his friends liked it back then.

  It's so easy to talk to him. His overflowing attention and care is noticeable and heartwarming. It's not like he's just answering me, no, he's making conversation, showing interest and curiosity about me, about the things I like. And I do the same with him, because I wanna know everything there is to know, everything he wants me to know and love.

  With him so close to me it's very easy to forget he's not alive.

  - You know what I was thinking? - He asks with his face so close to mine that I can even count his freckles.

  - No. - I whisper and he chuckles. - What is it?

  - I really wish they could see me. Your family. They are so nice. I really wish my unfinished business involved them too so they could see me. - Reggie sounds sad again, so put my hand on his knee, not really touching him. We're sitting on the floor, with our backs resting on the wall and our legs close to our chests, looking like two lost kids. - At least I've got you.

  - Your parents probably miss you too, you know? Don't you think we should look for them? Do you think it would help?

  - I am not sure anymore. I think I want to know, but at the same time what if I get disappointed? What if they don't care about me anymore? Don't think about me at all? Or what if they do? What if they can't move on? - He touches my hand softly and I can tell he has to focus a lot for that to happen. - It's also scary to see what they've become. To see what my future could've been.

  He doesn't say anything else after that. His thumb tries stroking my skin and it takes a while until he finally succeeds. My heart is about to get out of my chest and I stay still, afraid that he'll run away like he did the night before.

  - You are not your parents, Reggie, just as I am not mine. As much as they are responsible for us to some extent, it's not as if we are a property being marked by our last name. Our family is not our whole world; if anything, they're the cheerleaders who stand outside the field cheering for us. Well, - I feel his gentle touch more prominently so I turn my gaze to our connected hands. - at least it should be like that. But anyway, I'm very proud of you. You are a beautiful, loved human being with an incredible capacity to love others. Alive or dead, you're full of life and that's amazing.

  I don't want to extend the topic too much, just in case he's not ready for it, but I know that our parents also lost individual characteristics when they became parents. They didn't have their own names anymore; they were "my father" and "my mother". It seemed that they were less their own and more ours, as if their value was linked to their children in some way.

  - I… thank you. - Suddenly I can't feel his touch anymore. Disappointed, we stand up at the same time and again, we're so close I can memorize the exact shape of his lips. - You have no idea how much I… I needed this. Needed you. How much I need you. I'm happy we found each other, Y/N. I really am.

  - Me too, Reggie. I just wish our timing was a bit better, you know?

  - Yeah… I mean, the world is so old, right? At least we got some time here together. Let's just enjoy it from now on. Like it's now or never. - He smiles brightly again and I imitate him. - That's one of our songs, by the way. You need to hear -

  The doorbell startles us. Reggie and I laugh at our own reactions and I go get the door. When I open it, Nick is there, with arrogant eyes and an infuriating smile.

  - Hey, Y/N. - He says. - I think we need to talk. Now.

  - Honey, who is this? - My mother asks me. Just like Daisy, she has that pretentious grin that tells me she thinks we're more than friends. - Is this Reggie that your dad was telling me about? Come in, sweetheart. Dinner is almost ready.

  Mom runs to the kitchen, probably to tell the others about the news, and I'm scared again. If looks could kill, I'd be just like Reggie now.

  - Oh, so Reggie is here too? Good, that way we can kill two birds with one stone. - Reggie comes to the rescue, but he looks just as conflicted and confused as me. - And just so you know, you're one of the birds, Y/N, and I won't let you escape again.

  - What is this little dude talking about? - Reggie asks.

  Nick's head turns to Reggie's direction and I feel sick again. It's hard to breathe and the purple mist coming out of the blonde's mouth is scarier than before. He's standing at my door, invading my house and threatening me. Everything is too much, my own body, my own thoughts and the house feels smaller and smaller.

  - I am talking about you, your friends and this rat right here. I've been looking for you for two lifetimes already and I'm not letting you go again. Not without getting my revenge first.

taglist: @revolutionary-werewolf-ghosts

[heart-eye-harrington]

gwen stacy

Summary: Steve always hated how Spider-Man couldn’t save Gwen Stacy, but what will he do differently when put in the same situation?

Word count: 6.3k

Warnings: Mild swearing, brief mentions of blood/injury, my not 100% accurate retelling of Spider-Man lure

A/N: Hi! I’ve loved this concept for so long that I really wanted to write it! It’s a bit lengthy but didn’t feel right to break it up. Let me know what you think! okay hope you have a good day, i love youuuuuuuu

⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆★⋆

Peter Parker - the nerdy wallflower with a heart of gold. Greatness was thrust upon poor Peter when he was bitten by that radioactive spider. But what did he do with this greatness? Did he use it for his own benefit? No. He used his powers to help others, to protect the neighborhood, to look out for the little guy. He fought the evil in the world as one of the greatest heroes of all, but came home and was back to reality as plain Peter Parker again. There was still a boy under the mask; and a girl who loved him, with and without it on. He’d save the city, save civilians, and he’d save the girl; consistently proving that good would overcome evil and be rewarded. But that wasn’t always the case in life, even for Spider-Man. The fight started like many others, the bad guy had taken Spider-Man’s girlfriend and put her in the middle of the fight to slow Spider-Man’s attacks and distract him. Both powers found themselves falling into the routine brawl, until Green Goblin pushed Gwen Stacy from the top of the Brooklyn Bridge. Spider-Man shot a web in a desperate attempt to save her from the fall. Despite his efforts, she died, snapping her neck from the sudden shock. A deafening snap heard, dashing all hopes of her survival. Good had lost. Peter lost his first true love. Gwen was gone despite it all. 

The story of Gwen Stacy always infuriated Steve. When he was young and read the comic he was baffled. How could Spider-Man let that happen? He could save everyone and still lose one of the most important people in his life. It just wasn’t fair. Steve swore he would never let that happen to him, he would fight harder than anyone, even Spider-Man, for those he loved. 

As he got older, the childhood vow drifted to the back of his head. King Steve took its place. Basketball, girls, and kegs took its place. He was your average teen, prioritizing what you think will help you fit in and make you likable. 

His vow resurfaced when he found Nancy at the Byer’s house that November night. Carol and Tommy struck a match when they struck a nerve. 

Tommy tossed him a coke, letting him knew he owed him a buck fifty. Steve scoffed, because of course Tommy couldn’t just get him something without having to pay him back. Steve places the can to his injured eye, savoring the cool on his skin. The thumping in his head disappears for just a moment before being replaced with another, Carol and Tommy’s cruel jokes. Normally Steve would nod and laugh along, but this time something felt different. He really listened this time, to their claims that Jonathan killed his brother, that Nancy was a slut, and it just rubbed him the wrong way. It was as if they held a match, and he was the striker paper. They had rubbed so many times but this was the moment the match caught aflame.

“Carol, for one in your life can you shut your damn mouth?” Steve was shocked at the ease of his outburst, but not ashamed of it. It felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders. It felt good to get them to stop for once. 

“Hey, what’s your problem man?” Tommy demanded, he and Carol both taken aback at his sudden opposition. But the fire was burning and Steve had no intention of extinguishing it. 

“You’re both assholes, that’s my problem.” He saw he had befriended the heartless villains he swore to defeat, and worse, allowed himself to fall under their influences. He had to get as far away from them as possible and get back to the good in his life. He realized he needed to fight for good again, and that meant fixing his screw up with Nancy. She might be his Gwen Stacy, and he couldn’t sit back and watch as she slipped through his fingers. He messed up, and had to make things right. So he hopped in his car and sped off to his first crime of the day. After a few hours of scrubbing the paint on the marquee and volunteering to help with other odd jobs at the theatre, he sank into the driver’s seat and sighed. He knew what his next step needed to be, but just because you have a plan doesn’t make it easy. He turned the key, flicked on his headlights and headed to the Byer’s house. Tommy’s words echoing in his head, fueling the fire. 

“That’s right! Run away Stevie boy! Run away! Just like you always do! That’s right Harrington! 

Run away!” 

While Carol and Tommy may have struck the match, seeing the flickering lights inside the Byer’s house poured gasoline on the small fire in him. It burned through and melted the hard outer shell he had developed, and exposed the hero his younger self always thought he was inside. The brave boy who fought to protect those he loved. He ran into the house and helped Nancy and Jonathan. After that night, he became his very own Spider-Man. 

Time passed, but that night stayed with him. He kept his younger self in his mind more prominently. He did his best to be the best boyfriend he could be to Nancy, because that’s what she deserved. He did what he could for her, helping her with Barb and reminding her that none of what happened was her fault. Despite his best efforts, she slipped out of his grasp. Maybe it was all bullshit, but damn if he wouldn’t fight for her. He did fight, but not how he imagined. He had to grab his bat again and battle extra-dimensional creatures to protect kids he barely knew. He had a responsibility to protect them, something he quickly accepted and even embraced. He was their hero, fighting the monsters and evil. But, a reward didn’t come in the end. Nancy wasn’t his. He realized she never truly was. It took a while, but he accepted it, came to terms that his first love may have never loved him back, but that’s ok. She’s happy now and that’s all he could wish for her. With the gate to the Upside Down closed, his hero mask was hung up and bat hidden behind old clothes in his closet. Life went on. He graduated high school and got a summer job. Scoops Ahoy wasn’t a part of his ideal hero’s journey, but it paid the bills. 

🕸 

The last few cords of Queen’s Radio Gaga flow through the summer air before Steve turns the key, turning off his car. His chest rises and dramatically falls for no one but himself to see. He mustered up his energy before stepping out of his car. He blinked in the summer sunshine, taking a moment to enjoy how it warms his skin before being trapped in a prison of florescent lights for the next few hours. He drags his feet the entirety of the parking lot before reaching the doors. He adjusts the bag on his back containing his stupid sailor outfit as he makes his way to Scoops. He enters the ice cream parlor and heads to the back room. Just as he’s about to reach the door, it slams open in his face. Pain rushes to his nose and he’s doubled over, clutching it as a few choice words fall from his lips. The open door reveals you, grasping your own face in shock. You kneel down beside Steve, one hand delicately on his shoulder, not sure exactly what to do but wanting to comfort and help him. 

“Oh my God I am so sorry!” your voice coming across breathless in your startled state. Steve lifts his head just enough to let his eyes catch yours. There’s a moment of silence where you’re searching each other’s faces. Something washes over you, but you weren’t sure what it was yet. He sees your worry and distress and can’t help but feel sorry for you. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I’ve been knocked in the head so many times, this is nothing.” he chuckles, but his words didn’t put your guilt at ease. 

“Please, let me help you. I know first aid.” Steve can’t find himself to say no, letting you guide him into the backroom to fuss over him. You lead him to the small table, guiding him to sit. As soon as you’re satisfied that he’s comfortable, you turn your back and scramble to get the supplies for his bleeding and probably bruised nose. He didn’t need to be coddled his much, but part of him enjoyed it. A small smile sneaks onto his face as you run a cloth under cold water, the first-aid kit tucked under your arm. You pull up a seat next to him, a serious and concerned look in your eyes. You lightly remove his hand from his nose and place a hand under his chin, turning his head better assessing the damage. 

“Do you feel any blood going down your throat?”

“No”

“Good. Then it’s only an anterior bleed. Posterior bleeds are typical for people who have had head injuries in the past and are a bit more serious. I was worried after you said you’ve gotten hit a few times in the past. I’m just gonna put the cold cloth over your nose, can you pinch it? You should be fine after about 10 minutes” You eyes examine his face to see if he understands, and can’t help but blush at sudden realization at how close you are.

“You weren’t kidding when you said you’re trained in first aid” his laugh is a bit nasally considering his plugged nose, causing your laugh to shake your chest a bit harder.

“What can I say? I thought it would be good with all the babysitting I did. But the kid I watched doesn’t need a sitter anymore, so here I can scooping ice cream.”

“Well, I guess this is one way to be introduced to your co-worker” 

“What can I say? I make a strong first impression.” You chuckle, but it’s short-lived as guilt pools in your gut. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

“Look, it’s fine, you fixed me up. So, what’s my nurse’s name so I may properly thank them?”  He extends his free hand, an olive branch. A playful smirk plays your lips, giving him your name and a proper handshake. 

From that moment on, there was an unspoken bond between the two of you, and you looked out for one another. Steve felt a sense of protectiveness over you, to make sure you were ok. It was always little things like making sure you took your breaks, shooting mean looks at creepy customers, or slipping you a banana when he knew you hadn’t eaten in a while. You’d do the same for him, telling Robin to give him a break after an exceptionally terrible attempt at getting a date or packing doubles of your lunch for him after seeing him eat smushed PB & J’s for the millionth time in a row.  

“Aww, did your mommy pack you apple slices? How cute.” Robin’s joking condescending tone brought a grin to both her and Steve’s faces. 

“No, they did.” He gestures to the counter where you stood scooping ice cream while your coworkers took a quick break. It was slow, so you volunteered to ‘man the ship’ so Steve and Robin could sit in the back room. They both peered at you through the crack Steve left in the sliding window. You were patiently listening to a little girl stumble through her order, sending her reassuring nods and smiles. You radiate positive energy like the sun, washing everything you touched in a warm light. Even from the brief interaction little girl felt it, Robin felt it, but Steve felt it most of all. The simplest actions would cause warmth to spread through his chest, occasionally rising to his checks if he thought about it too much. 

“Earth to Romeo, you’re staring” Robin’s words pull Steve from his trace, the familiar warmth amplified by her words. He ducks his head in a vain attempt to hide it, but he knows nothing gets past Robin. She glances back to you, oblivious to the situation happening behind you. She shakes her head and chuckles, deciding it would be more fun to watch the former king of Hawkins fumble over a girl than call him out. So she simply stands, giving him a small pat on the shoulder on her way out the swinging door open to join you at the counter. She gives you a hip bump, drawing a laugh, and sending Steve back into his trance.

“So, how’s the ship sailor?” 

“She’s in tip-top shape captain,” you tell Robin, saluting her and sending the two of you into giggles. You take a second to relish the moment. You would have never thought a summer job would give you two of your best friends. You’ve never laughed as hard as you did when at the ice cream parlor. You’re drawn from your thought when the bell on the counter rings. You turn to see three young teens staring intently at you. 

“Is Steve here?” the boy with black hair and pale skin asks. 

“He’s in the back on break. You guys ok?” you ask, seeing the discomfort on the youngest’s face

“Will scrapped his knee on the bike ride over and we just need a band-aid” the third boy, who you later learned was named Lucas responded, pointing to the youngest boy, whose name you learned was Will. 

“I can help you out! Come on.” You gesture for the three to follow you into the break room. You get Will to sit, and you squat before him and examine the injury. It doesn’t look bad at all, but there’s probably some dirt in the scrape. Your eyebrows knit together as you think of what to do, making sure to wipe them away before meeting Will’s eyes.

“I’m gonna get some hydrogen peroxide, just be sure it’s clean. We’ll get a band-aid on it and you’ll be good as gold.” Will’s expression relaxes from your comforting words. You rub his arm before going to grab the first aid kit. You hear Steve making small talk with the boys, asking them about what they’ve been up to and when Dustin will be back from camp. You feel your heart flutter at the tone the boys use, all so comfortable with each other. Hearing how good Steve is with them almost makes you sigh with joy. You turn back to Will, supplies in hand. You make sure you’re quick with your work, knowing the hydrogen peroxide doesn’t exactly tickle. Smoothing out the band-aid on his knee, you give a content exhale at your handiwork. 

“There, all better. But you know what makes everything better? Ice cream! You guys want some?” the three teens cheer, which you take as a yes. You share a look with Steve, neither able to deny the joy they boys spread. You bring them to the front, give them their orders, with a little extra for Will, and send them on their way. You smile to yourself seeing the three joke around, and can’t help but wonder what adventures they’d get into. Little did you know you were about to be sucked into an adventure of your own. 

“TOUCH MY BUTT I DON’T CARE!!!” 

“Uh, Robin? What’s doing on?” You timidly ask, taking slow steps into the backroom.

“I’m gone for two days and suddenly this is happening?” you gesture to Steve pushing a kid’s butt into the air vent. 

“Yeah, it’s a long story” Robin chuckles and her eyes remain glued on the scene playing out in front of her. 

After Steve and the boy, who introduces himself as Dustin, get down from the vent, the trio fills you in on what happened.

“You guys are crazy. Really? Russians in Hawkins? Why?” You cross your arms in disbelief. Do they really think you’re that gullible? Well, apparently you are. 

“We don’t know, but we have to find out,” Dustin explains. You lean back, curiosity getting the best of you. Here goes nothing.

“Ok, I’m in. What’s the plan?” you lock eyes with Steve, sending him a small nod. That’s the moment the seed of doubt was planted in his mind. Deja vu flooded through his veins, making this body tingle. He had no idea how big this thing was. What is there really were evil Russians? What if people got hurt? What could he do to keep people safe? He wasn’t sure, but he knew he was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you all made it out okay. 

He kept his vow the best he could. When trapped in the elevator, he stayed up all night trying to find a way out. He lead the group around the base, making sure he was in front, the first line of defense. Seeing the guard in the communications room sent him into overdrive, charging and taking him out. He cleared as many obstacles as he could to leave a clear path for you all to follow. He did all he could until he was cornered. 

The Russians banged on the door after chasing the group into a room. He screamed for the kids to run, to just go. In his efforts to save the kids he forgot about you and Robin beside him holding the door. It all happened so fast. The floorboard closed atop Dustin and the door behind him flew opened, pushing him, Robin, and you to the floor. That’s when time stood still. His breath hitched in this throat as his hands came up in surrender. The guards took you first, kicking and screaming in a last-ditch attempt to break free. When you turn to see your coworkers, tears streaming down your face, your gaze holds Steve’s in a vice grip. His heart shatters at the fear in your eyes and worse, the pleading. Before he can react, the metal door closes with a deafening thud. 

He’s taken next, and the interrogation is hell. Yeah, the punches hurt, but they replaced the ache in his chest with another. He took it all he could until he couldn’t, succumbing to the pain. When he finally came back to, he hears Robin’s yelling and feels the vibrations from behind him. He only has the energy to stare at his lap, before he sees a yellow sneaker out of the corner of his eye. A familiar warmth fills his chest, the same one he felt anytime he saw them. They carried you throughout the store, often skipping or dancing to the beat of whatever song you had stuck in your head that day. He musters up whatever strength he has to follow the line of your body. There you are, eyes closed and body sprawled on the floor. Fear flashes through him until he sees your chest slowly rise and fall. You look unharmed, further comforting him. He didn’t fail. You were all still safe. The relief wasn’t long-lived, as a familiar fire made a home in Steve’s chest. He was going to fight tooth and nail to make sure you all made it out, he couldn’t lose anyone. 

Erica and Dustin were able to rescue the three of you and get you out of the base. They sat you three in a movie while they got help. Steve and Robin went to get water while you stayed in the movie, too freaked out to leave. You rejoined the group when the movie was over, eager to leave Star Court. Your dreams were dashed when you saw the Russians checking the moviegoers. Steve’s first reaction is to grab your hand, dragging you out of your daze and away from the evil.  You stumble over your own feet as you run, still not fully aware of what’s going on. It wasn’t until you saw their guns that the panic made its way to your legs, carrying you faster and closer to Steve. The five of you hide under the counter of Great Cookie, ragged breathing echoing in your ears. You wrap your arms around Steve’s bicep, clinging to him and burying your face in his shoulder, desperate for any comfort he can provide. You focus on his breathing, familiar scent of hairspray, vanilla and cologne, and the comforting heat of his skin. His free hand comes up to clutch your head, doing whatever he can to keep you close to him. The steps get closer and you squeeze your eyes shut, bracing for the worst. But it never comes. A loud honking and the crunching of metal filled the air instead of bullets. You lift your head to share a puzzled and relieved look with Steve. You take a moment to enjoy the closeness before turning to look above him, only to find find a group on the balcony. You recognize some of the faces, but not all. 

While the drugs had worn off, you still felt like your head was whirling when you learned a girl flipped a car with her mind. The group obviously knew more than you did and you did your best to quickly absorb as much information as you could. In your whirlwind, you notice El stumble away from the group. You begin to follow her as she covers her ears.

“Hey, are you ok?” the second the question leaves your lips, she hits the floor. The group all turn their attention to her and you run to comfort her. You reach her first, kneeling beside her and fanning her face. 

“My leg, my leg” she whimpers, pain evident in every muscle of her body. Someone unwraps the makeshift binding on her leg to reveal what looks to be an infected cut. Your suspicions are beyond confirmed when something begins moving under her skin. Training kicking in, you know what has to be done. 

“Hey, someone grab a knife from the Chinese restaurant and heat it up to disinfect it. Grab something for her to bite. Get gloves too! Quick, please!” You do your best to remain calm for the girl, but need to relay the urgency everyone knows is needed. After seeing Jonathan run in the direction, you turn back to El.

“Hey, everything’s gonna be fine. You’re doing good. Just keep talking to us ok? Deep breaths.” She nods, sobbing as she waits for Jonathan to come back. You feel a hand on your back, turning to see Steve right behind you giving you a reassuring nod. He squats next to you, now putting his hands on your shoulders. It was like a chain of support, him for you, you for El. Jonathan comes back and does his best to get whatever it is out of her, but she insists on doing it herself. Everyone winces as they watch, you included, and you burry you head into Steve’s chest as he holds you close. You hear glass shatter and flinch closer into him. Everything’s silent for a moment, and you lift your head to see the chief of police, Mrs. Byer’s, and someone else. You look to Steve with bewilderment, and all he can do is shrug. He helps you up and the now larger group convenes. You’re mentally exhausted, once again finding yourself hanging off of Steve as you take everything in. You put together the pieces from the three groups and it makes just enough sense for you to follow along. 

Once a plan was made, you see Robin eating out of the corner of your eye. You nudge Steve, a silent invitation to follow you. Robin throws you both something to have. You didn’t realize how hungry you were till you tucked in. It was the first moment of normalcy you’ve had in a while, and you savored every last second of it. It was just like the three of you in the breakroom, laughing, joking, being normal teens. Dustin runs over, excitedly holding car keys. 

“Guess who got us a ride?” He beams. Steve gives him a puzzled look.

“Where are we going?” 

“We have to go to the radio tower I set up. They need us to navigate them around the base to close the gate.” 

“Okay, but what about El?” you question. She still looked to be in pretty bad shape, and you knew you were her best bet if her leg started causing her trouble again. A wound like that could easily reopen. 

“They’re going back to Murry’s, and Hopper wants you to stay with El. Will told him about how you helped him that day in the mall, and he wants you to look after her. ” Dustin informs you. You nod, 

“Ok, tell him I’ll go with her.” You say, Dustin nodding and running off the tell Hopper. Steve looks at you for a moment, realizing what you’re doing. For the first time in days, you won’t be at his side. He won’t be able to make sure you’re ok, and it scares him. 

“Hey, don’t you think you should come with us?” he pleads, gently rubbing up and down your arm. You sigh, wanting so badly to give in and go with him, to follow him where ever he goes, but knowing you’re needed somewhere else. 

“I’ll be ok. Don’t worry about me.” you send him a sympathetic smile, trying your best to convince him and yourself. Deep down you were terrified to be away from him, but you both had obligations now. You had but put your own interests aside and do what was best for the collective good.

“Promise?” Steve’s voice sounded as if it would break. In a spur of confidence, you cup his face in your hands.

“I promise, Steve.” There’s a gleam in your eyes, and Steve takes his hand from your arm and places it over yours.

Dustin returns, throwing the cars at Steve and basically dragging him away. Steve’s eyes stay on yours as you send a gentle wave to the group. You watch your friends until they round the corner, and sink into yourself. Your safety net was going to be driving far away, and taking your heart with it. You shake your head, clearing the thoughts like an etch a sketch. You make your way over to El, wrapping one of her arms around your neck as the group makes their way out of the mall. She groans and you can see she’s losing more blood. 

“Hey, once we get in the car I’ll take another look at it, okay?” all she can do is nod. You situated the two of you in the back of the car and hear the engine sputter. You overhear Nancy and Jonathan say the ignition cable is missing. Before you know it Billy is revving his engine across the lot. You scrabble to get the kids out of the car and back into the mall. Once back inside, you lay El down and redress her wound. It’s not as bad as you thought it would be, but you know your efforts are helping. You reassure her that she’ll be fine and properly fixed up soon enough 

In the distance you hear Mike calling to the “Scoops Troop”, and while in any other circumstance you would laugh at the name, you silently pray that they hear you and rescue you. While you were one who could normally save themselves, you were never trapped in a mall by a possessed Billy. Just as things were starting to look up, you notice Max and Mike looking up at something. Mike screams for his sister as the monster breaks through the mall ceiling. You grab Mike Max and El and hide under a food stand. You pull the three as close to you as possible and shut your eyes, a single tear streaming down your face. 

From the radio tower, Steve can’t stop pacing. He knows that something’s wrong and it’s eating him alive. It’s like he has a sixth sense and it’s going haywire. His mind is going through every bad possibility. What if you got into a car accident on the way? What if the Russians were waiting at the secret safe house? What is none of this would work? He rakes his fingers through his hair in an effort to self-sooth. He looks to the mall and sees the lights flickering. He’s taken back that November night outside the Byer’s. Fear’s icy grip takes hold of his legs, freezing him in place. He hears Dustin to your group over the radio. After the first call goes unanswered he’s on edge. After the second he’s panicking. After the third is answered with a monster’s screeching, he’s near hysterics. Before his mind can keep up with his legs, he’s running down the hill. He had to get you guys out of there. He barely hears Robin’s labored breathing behind him as they both scramble to the car. A fire is burning inside him and he was prepared to fight like hell. 

In the mall, you’re shaking, holding onto the kids like your life depended on it. You barely knew them but felt a responsibility to protect them. Mike wiggles out of your grip to peer over the stand. He hatches an escape plan to go up the stairs. Max reminds him that El is in no condition to do that, to which you nod and agree. That’s when you remember the way through the Gap. The four of you make a mad dash, you clutching El and giving her quiet reinforcement as she hobbles. Someone knocks something over in your haste, alerting the monster to your location. You once again scamble the kids under a counter and shield them with your body. The mind flayer gets distracted, and you guide the kids from the store. 

As Steve turns into the Star Court parking lot, his adrenaline is thumping in his ears. He didn’t know what he was expecting, but Nancy shooting at a car charging at her full speed was not it. His knuckles turn white as he grips the wheel, speeding full force into the other car, causing both to spin out. He catches his breath, looking over to make sure Robin is ok. He lifts his eyes to see the Mind Flayer crawl along the mall roof. Nancy pulls up next to them, telling them to get in. For once he wanted things to slow down, but they’re being chased by the fleshy monster. As soon as it turns around, he thinks to take survey of the car. When he sees fewer people than he’s expecting, he’s near tears. 

“Where are the others?” His voice is barely above a whisper, as if he doesn’t want anyone to hear and confirm his worst fear. 

“Where are the others?” Robin echos his question, but loud enough for the whole car to hear. All Jonathan and Nancy can do is exchange concerned looks. Steve’s hands fly to his hair, unable to process what is going on. You’re not there, which means you’re back in the mall with that thing and Billy. 

“Drive!” He screams, unable to do anything else. Words echo in his head “That’s right! Run away Stevie boy! Run away! Just like you always do! That’s right Harrington! 

Run away!” 

He wasn’t gonna run away this time.

“You’ve got this El. You’re so strong, you’re such a fighter.” You reassure her as the four of you make your way out of the mall. Just as the cool night air hit you, you see Billy emerge from his car. 

“Shit” you whisper, directing the kids back into StarCourt. You follow close behind, acting as a buffer between them and Billy. Mike finds an elevator and desperately tries to push the buttons to get you away from your stalker. You hear the metal door open and know he’s right behind you. Before you can do anything, Max tries to talk to him, but he slams her against the wall. He turns his attention to you, Mike, and El. You push the two behind you, trying in vain to hide them from him. 

“Billy. Please. They’re just kids. Please don’t do this.” He stares straight into your eyes and yet past you. Next thing you know he grabs your head and throws you into the wall. 

As soon as the car stops outside the mall, Steve charges in as quickly as he can. He’s got tunnel vision and finds himself on the balcony with Robin and the fireworks. He looks down just in time to see you run out of scoops. You stop a moment and look up, locking eyes with Steve. A shiver runs down his spine. You avert your gaze to El laying on the floor, motionless and seemingly unaware of the huge monster crawling toward her. You rush to her side in an attempt to pull her away, but Billy intercepts you. 

          It was a routine fight that started like many others

Steve grabs a firework and throws it as hard as he can, hitting the flesh monster and making it cry out in pain. He’s doing everything in his power to distract Billy and the Mind Flayer. The fire inside him burning so hot he can feel in on his skin.  

          The bad guy had taken Spider-Man’s girlfriend and put her in the middle of           the fight to slow Spider-Man’s attacks and distract him. 

Billy grabs you by the neck, lifting you into the air, choking you. You kick at him and scratch at his hands, tear streaming down your face. You give breathless pleas, but know it’s no use. His grip is too strong. He won’t stop 

          Spider-Man shot a web in a desperate attempt to save her.

“ROBIN! I NEED MORE!” Steve held his hand back, awaiting the reload of him ammunition. He was gonna hit that son of a bitch with everything he had. The now-familiar weight fell into his hand, and he launched the firework through the air. He swore he threw his arm out but he didn’t care. He was gonna fight harder than anyone. The fire had made its way to his eyes, burning so hot tears streamed down his face. He saw the monster flinch. It was working, it would all be over soon. His arm hurt so much but he wouldn’t stop

          Despite his efforts, a deafening snap was heard, dashing all hopes of her survival. 

Billy mirrored the monster’s pain, twitching with each impact from the fireworks. He let go of you. You fell to the ground with a deafening thump. Steve felt his entire body go numb. A heartwrenching scream raked through his body. It was a cry that could make anyone grasp their chest as if the pain shot like shards through the air. 

          Good had lost. Peter lost his first true love. Gwen was gone despite it all. 

From somewhere behind him he hears Robin over the radio tell Dustin they’re out of time. Boy, ain’t that the truth. He closes his eyes and remembers. Remember the first time you met, and hand coming to feel the bump on his nose. He remembers how alive you were, always singing to songs stuck in your head, helping others, doodling on your yellow shoes. The kind glances you’d give, quick remarks he’d counter, the way you made him feel. He felt the fire inside die, replaced by a glowing ember. The glow you’d carried now living in him. 

Robin nudges him and he looks down, only to see the monster attacking Billy. Any trace of anger or a revenge plot melting away at the sight. No one deserves that pain, not even Billy. Suddenly the monster begins to flail, Steve and Robin stumbling back from the rail as it falls into it. The pair jump back to their feet and peer below. A fire burns, scorching the monster’s motionless body. Mike rushes to El, wrapping her in his arm. Max stumbles to Billy, sobbing over him. Before Robin can stop him, Steve is rushing down the escalators to you. His feet can’t carry him fast enough, so he slides down the center. When he reaches you, he collapses to his knees. Steve cradles you in his arms, sobbing into your hair. His hand supports the back of your head, holding you close to his heart. 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he repeats, placing kisses on your head. 

“I tried, I tried. I fought as hard as I could”

He’s rocking back and forth, trying to soothe himself and you. He screws his eyes shut, taking you in one last time

“Steve?” the voice was barely audible. Steve almost didn’t hear it

The voice comes again, groan follows, then a cough. He carefully moves your head from his chest and it met with the kind eyes he loved looking back at him. A sob crawled its way out his body as you smiled at him. A reassuring smile. You place a hand on his cheek, and he quickly pulls it to his mouth, planting a kiss on your palm. 

“I thought I lost you” his voice coming across breathless in his startled state. There’s a moment of silence where you’re searching each other’s faces. Something washes over you, but this time you’re sure of what it is. You see his worry and distress and can’t help but feel sorry for the pain you caused him. 

“You can’t get rid of me that easily” you grin, you words causing a choked chuckle and tears to flow from Steve. He pulls you close again, fully sobbing into your hair. You wrap your arms around him in a tight embrace. He savors the feeling. 

Good had won. Steve saved his true love. You were here despite it all.

[jeasthetic]

May 2019

Deolinda Kalila,

A girl with a beautiful face, who if you look from the outside will look fierce, arrogant, and also harsh. But if you know her more deeply, you will see her gentle and tough nature. So tough, that no one could match her toughness. A quiet girl who doesn't have many friends, also doesn't have many memories. Her life isn't full of happiness, but she never complains of circumstances.

Deolinda Kalila,

The girl who has been teaching the meaning of life, where you shouldn't complain just because of circumstances. If you feel desperate for your life, look back, see how many people were struggling to survive. Look at those who have so many burdens, but never complain about circumstances, never blame God.

The girl opened everyone's eyes, that the real world is not as cruel as people say. It's just about perceptions and presumptions. If you always think that the problem is too big, then that's how you will feel. Let us consider all problems small, because every problem must have a solution. It's all about timing, and how we live it. Stay optimistic, and always give thanks to God. Surely God will bless our every step.

Deolinda Kalila,

Her name has stuck with me, in the depths of my heart, filling every empty space in me. The girl who was strong was incessantly floating in my mind. Her is funny, sometimes spicy, but motivating chatter always rings in my head.

I feel like crying when I remember the memories we have spent together. Kalila is strong, who always looks tough, who always advises me, always supports me, and teaches me about the beauty of being grateful.

However, it turns out that Kalila isn't that strong, she isn't an incarnate angel, she's just an ordinary human. Someone who is already within her limits. Kalila is tired. Not tired in heart, but body.

*** *** ***

October 2018

The stars scattered in the sky indicate that the weather is sunny tonight. I invited Kalila to see how beautiful the scenery in the sky was. The stars still look beautiful even though we only see them from behind the window. Well ... Kalila's health isn't very good, she isn't allowed to go out at night, so I think this is the only way to comfort her when she is missing her parents.

"Kal, someone said if there is a shooting star, we can ask for one request and be granted," I said to Kalila.

"It's a hoax. The only one who can grant our request is God." she said seriously. Huh, even though I'm just kidding.

"If God gave you one wish, what would you ask for?" I asked.

"I want to live a little longer," she replied with a smile.

I shuddered in horror, "it's not like your age isn't that long. Anyway, no one knows how old you are."

"It's not that long," she replied lightly, "I don't know how old I am, but with my condition like this, the possibility of living a long life is very small." she continued.

I was stunned, I think her words were too .. too much.

"How bad is your pain?" I asked a little annoyed.

"Um ... btw, isn't it ridiculous if I ask to stay alive when it's time to go?" she asked back without heeding my question earlier.

I sighed heavily, "It's ridiculous, but 'how about it? Everyone has their own reasons why they want to live longer, including you." I replied. Forget my question earlier, Kalila won't want to answer it.

"Yeah, I want to be successful and be happy for Grandma, as well as the people around me." she said. Yes, it's that simple the reason.

"Nice." I gave a faint smile, lightly patted the top of her head. "Btw, it's already at this hour. I'm home, huh? Afraid that my mother will be angry." I say goodbye to Kalila.

Kalila just nodded limply with pursed lips.

"Alright, don't be sad. Don't cry anymore, your mom and dad need prayers, not tears. Okay?" I said.

Kalila nodded again, "be careful on the road."

***

Kalila absent from class for one week, without explanation – alpha. This certainly makes me anxious, I'm worried about the situation now. The reason is, Kalila is completely unreachable, and her house is always empty. Where it is now, I don't know. Even if I want to search, I don't know where to look, there is no clue at all.

All I can do now is visit her house every morning and after school, to check whether she and her grandmother are home or not. Even though I myself don't know whether they left to come back again or ... ah, I don't know. Besides, this is the only way I can do it.

I walked along the path to Kalila's house, hoping that this time I could meet her. When I almost arrived, I saw from a distance an old woman had just gotten out of a taxi and walked towards her house. There's no mistaking it, it's Kalila's grandmother. I immediately approached Kalila's grandmother, who was now at the door and prepared to open the doorknob.

"Excuse me, Grandma." My greetings to Grandma Kalila, make her fail to open the knob.

"Ah, Jeno-ya." she said, her expression sad and tired.

"Grandma, where is Kalila?" I asked without preamble.

"Ah, Kalila ..." Kalila's grandmother's sentence was interrupted, the sad face became more visible.

"Grandma?" I took Kalila's grandmother's hand, then held it.

Grandma Kalila cried, "Kalila..." she muttered a little sobbing, "Kalila is hospitalized."

I was flabbergasted, "Hospitalization? What disease does she have, Grandma?"

"A lot, kid. The virus is running rampant now." replied the grandmother between her tears.

"What? What virus?" I keep asking, really, I don't understand at all. What's going on here?

"Looks like it's time for grandma to tell you the truth, son." she said, I was just speechless.

Grandma Kalila told me everything about Kalila that I didn't know at all so far. She was really telling the truth, it made me disbelieve. Kalila, who has been looking tough all this time, turns out to be bearing a lot of burdens, one of which is to bear the disease she is currently suffering from. And how shocked I was when I learned of Kalila's illness.

Kalila contracted the HIV virus from birth. The doctor said, this was a fortune because Kalila was still able to survive today. The reason is, Kalila's father died after several years of contracting the virus, as well as her mother who died after giving birth due to an indirect infection from the HIV virus.

So far, Kalila has to take ART drugs or antiretroviral treatment, to prevent the virus from multiplying, and stabilize her condition to stay healthy. But lately, she didn't consume it due to cost issues. So that the HIV virus is increasingly spreading and causing various kinds of complications.

Kalila's grandmother's statements were so stifling, they filled my eyes with tears, which I just spilled. My heart feels very sick, really can't accept the harsh reality. In fact, from the start I thought that Kalila was indeed a HIV sufferer because some of the symptoms she had had did refer to the disease. But I always deny it, I always hope that my guess isn't true. And the worst will not happen.

"Why did you just say it now? Why did Kalila never tell the truth?" I asked in a slightly choked up voice, my tears have broken now.

"Sorry, son. Kalila didn't allow me to tell anyone about her illness. You must understand Kalila's feelings."

"But this is me, Grandma? I'm her best friend."

"Precisely because of that, Kalila doesn't want to lose her only friend. Kalila is afraid that you will stay away after learning about her illness."

Alright, so that's the reason. I don't understand why Kalila thought that I would leave her after knowing the illness she was suffering from. I'm not that bad, no thoughts of leaving her, at all. I thought Kalila was very familiar with my nature, but not. A little angry, but much disappointed.

"Grandma, I went to the hospital, right?" I asked Grandma Kalila.

"Yes, son. Jeno, wait here first, I wants to take Kalila's needs."

**

Kalila is lying weak with an IV in her hand and various kinds of tubes stuck in her body. Her body was too weak to simply change her sleeping position. Looks very tired, but still awake from sleep. I hold Kalila's left hand - the hand that is free from the IV - intending to strengthen it.

Actually I was angry and also disappointed, considering Kalila's attitude was so closed to me. But I don't have the heart to take it out on Kalila. She's too weak to argue with. So, I tried to throw away my anger, and excused Kalila's actions.

We haven't said anything since I came. Though usually she was very enthusiastic about welcoming me, even though she was sick. Kalila continues to daydream while staring at the hospital ceiling. Many times I called her name, but there was no response at all. And maybe she also didn't realize that all this time I was holding her hand.

"Jeno?"

Finally Kalila opened her voice. She called out my name without taking her eyes off the ceiling.

"W-what?" I stammered, a little surprised. I guess she didn't even notice that I was here.

Kalila turned to me, "when I go, you will not forget me, right?"

I rounded my eyes, "What are you talking about? Where are you going? You're still here." my pressure.

Kalila shook her head limply, "no, Jen. I took what I said yesterday, when it's time to go, I won't have much hope."

"Kal–"

"Please promise me, Jeno."

"W-what?"

"Don't ever forget me, even though I'm not beside you anymore." said Kalila, her eyes filled with tears.

"Never. I'll Never forget you." I replied firmly while holding Kalila's hand tightly, trying to look fine.

"And ... You have to visit me often, even though you're already married. Invite your little family to meet me, OK?" she said again.

I smiled bitterly, "Yes. But later, in a few years. Because I don't want you to go out anytime soon. I'm not ready. And again, what the heck, married ?!"

Kalila chuckled, "ready or not, have to be ready .. Ah ya, one more thing."

"What else?" I asked embarrassedly.

"Please take care of my grandmother." said Kalila with a sad smile, making my heart feel sliced.

"Yes, I will take care of your grandma. Your grandma is my grandma too." I answered.

"Thanks, Jeno." Kalila smiled again, "Thank you for accompanying me for this one year. You're my best friend, not because you are the only one, but because you are really valuable." My feelings warmed after hearing the words that Kalila said.

"Thanks also to everything you've taught me, Kal. Including about how to respond to a world that is sometimes not on our side. So far, I have learned a lot from you. I feel ashamed if I remember what I was, why I was so easy to give up, even though my burden isn't much. And since I know you, I feel like a stronger person. " I replied.

Kalila nodded with a shady smile, tightening her hand, "I love you, Lee Jeno." she said, then she closed her eyes.

"Kal!" I screamed. I immediately stood up, then checked her breath and pulse. My breath was caught, my body suddenly felt weak, my legs felt numb. I lowered my head to face Kalila who was helpless.

"Kal ..." I groaned. I closed my eyes, squeezed my chest which felt so sore with the tears pouring down.

"I want to go to Cambridge, the best university in the world."

"I want to be a successful person, Jen. I want to make you happy."

"Don't be stupid, your future is still long, Jeno!"

"Your parents must be fine, don't be sad."

"Don't be afraid to face problems, problems won't kill you."

"You have to promise, you can't even try to commit suicide again."

"You have to be strong, Jeno. You're a boy."

The sentences that have been spoken by Kalila ring in my head, as well as the sweet memories we went through together. Which now feels so painful. I hate this goodbye, but I never regretted our meeting. Met, then separated. Isn't that a natural thing?

As much as possible I try to let it go, even though it's so hard. But I also don't want to add to Kalila's burden, she has to go quietly. The struggle has been quite up to here, it has reached its peak.

Kalila's suffering in the world is over. Finally I have to let it go, because then Kalila will leave in peace. Hopefully she will always be well. I don't need to worry, because there will be many angels guarding it.

Goodbye, Kalila. May God reunite us in His heaven later.

END

© Story by: najaesthetic_

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