#confronting abusers

[furiousgoldfish]

The first rule of the abusive parents is that they never believe they're doing anything wrong.

The second rule is, that you were just too sensitive to take it and also maybe you imagined it and it didn't happen at all.

The third rule is that it 'wasn't that bad', and even if it was, you deserved it.

The fourth rule is that they were great parents and you need to be grateful for the roof over your head and for being fed.

The last rule is that you need to keep quiet about it.

_________

Deconstruction:

If a child comes to you after gathering courage to confront you about something you did to them and how much it hurt them, that's how you know you did something wrong. They already know they hurt you, so by the time you come to confront them, they've already decided to either play dumb and pretend they 'didn't know and still can't comprehend it and will never be able to learn', which is, they expect you to believe they're stupider than a 5yo. Yes they know they did wrong, that's why they're acting with such determination and covering their tracks and super intent on hiding and covering it up.

All children are sensitive to abuse. Adults should not risk doing anything to a child that might end up in a child getting traumatized. They not only took that risk but repeatedly did things to their children that would traumatize adults and now have the gall to pretend the children 'should have taken it better'. They themselves would go insane if they were treated like that. No you were not too sensitive, they're downplaying the abuse to look less guilty of it. Also telling you that you 'imagined it', or it 'didn't happen', is gaslighting, and they would not be doing that if they did nothing wrong.

Yeah it wasn't 'that bad' for them. To them abusing you was just a little hobby they indulged in for fun and recreation. If you come and tell them it was bad - that's how they know it was bad for you, but they already knew that, didn't they? They took pleasure in hurting you, they knew you were in pain. You feel hatred while you're being abused, and they know they directed that hatred at you. You did not deserve it. No child deserves that. No matter what.

You do not have to be grateful for the roof over your head or food or clothes. The alternative would be to kick you out on the street (illegal), starve you on purpose (illegal) or keep you without clothing (illegal). They're telling you that you have to be grateful that they didn't commit crimes against you and for not killing you on purpose. They're pretending that we live in a world where it's a normal thing to kill off a child for fun so you have to be grateful that didn't happen to you, they're warning you they could have done that. What they're saying is a threat. We could have hurt you worse, be grateful we didn't kill you completely. That is not parenting. That is blackmail and terror.

You don't owe them silence. You have full rights to talk about your experiences. If they 'did nothing wrong', then surely they will not mind if everyone else finds out about it. You do not have to take on the shame and the guilt for what these people did to you when you were defenseless and clueless, your brain and body not even formed enough to fight back. They were adults. They were supposed to take care of you and keep you safe. If they didn't, if they hurt you instead, the shame and the guilt for torturing a child should haunt them forever.

[rosesartcorner]

I've been through a lot recently.

[krasnyel]

the weak dogs

[podcastenthusiast]

The way BG3 approaches revenge is so interesting. It never says anyone is wrong to kill someone who's done them harm, but it does say that doing so alone won't fix the trauma.

Aylin just feels empty after killing Lorroakan. Astarion admits killing Cazador didn't feel how he expected it would either; he feels numb for a while and it changes his perspective on things. Karlach kills Gortash and it isn't satisfying, because he never felt sorry for the life he took from her and now she has to grapple with how little she has left.

Again, they weren't wrong to crave that catharsis and the safety it brings them. But revenge is never the end of healing. It's only the beginning. Choosing to live again is maybe the best revenge there is.

[pathetic-gamer]

[satiricaily]

girls when they notice the same patterns of mental illness between carmy and his mother

[springtrappd]

You said in one post that the author of Solar Lunacy is ableist. Could you explain how they're being problematic? I know almost nothing about them or the story itself, so I wouldn't know if they've said or done anything sus. Also, thank you for actually criticizing the Daycare Attendant stans, almost nobody in this site does that.

thank you for asking! it's rare to see, you're right, but it's also rare that people are willing to actually engage with that critical posting, so -- again, thank you! as for your question: oh boy, can i!

first: the basics. dissociation is a psychological response to overwhelming stress wherein the brain... disassociates from itself, placing a barrier between itself and the harsh reality. the most famous dissociative disorder is dissociative identity disorder (DID), known formerly as multiple personality disorder (MPD) or split personality. did occurs when someone without a fully-formed identity (read: a child) undergoes such severe stress that the 'brain' dissociates from its identity itself, creating alternate identities (personalities) to deal with the things they can't. these alternate identities work together to form a system. it's way more complicated than that and you can read more on it here and here but that's the bare minimum for the ignorant in the audience. we all caught up? good! moving on.

now, the question of whether or not the daycare attendant is a system is a touchy one. i've seen multiple different stances on the matter, seen a lot of arguments, and typed (and deleted) several hundreds of words about it, and the answer that i've come to is that, for the sake of this argument, whether the dca is a system in canon doesn't matter. what matters is how bamsara treats them. how do they handle the characters, how do they frame the switches in personality, the confusion, all the parallels to real-world symptoms -- how do they expect the viewer to feel, what do they pull from the cultural lexicon, yadda yadda. does bamsara -- regardless of their intentions -- depict the dca as a system, and if so, how do they handle it?

the answer is that they depict the dca as experiencing altered identity states, switching (and even blurring) between identities, and even repeatedly acknowledges them as a plural entity.

and it is these behaviours, specifically, that are used to make the dca scary. bamsara's daycare attendant is scary because they experience altered identity states. because they blur identities. because they are a plural entity. because they display the textbook symptoms and behaviours of a disorder most commonly caused by childhood sexual abuse. and it is the fear that this is inspires that makes them (but especially moon & eclipse) sexy.

now, one can argue that this is simply in line with existing horror media, and they would be correct: most pop culture depictions of dissociative disorders are extremely ableist, and have real-world consequences! but what makes it really, really shitty is that... i don't want to think about this stuff. i don't come to fandom to be reminded that people are terrified of what they don't understand, and that that very very often includes the mentally ill. i don't want to be reminded that there are people who don't believe dissociative disorders exist at all. i don't want to reminded that they -- the sick, the survivors, the unlucky 140 million -- are spoken of in the same way as monsters. i don't come here for harsh realities. but solar lunacy is the most kudos'd fnaf fic on ao3, and we all have to live with that.

if you liked solar lunacy or bamsara's content or... whatever, i don't particularly care. i'm not mad about people thinking evil alters are sexy, or engaging with horror content that says shitty things about systems -- it's your life, live it how you please (and i've got a vanny icon so who am i to judge lmao). sometimes the things that make us happy are kinda shitty, and that's okay! our views are shaped by the society we live in, and there is no society on earth that is kind to the mentally ill -- there's no way to undo that, to stop that from influencing you in some capacity. but... all i ask is for you to think about this stuff, and try to educate yourself on the topic. there's nothing wrong with making a mistake, or having flaws -- but there's something wrong with making a space that feels unsafe, that reflects some of the more uncomfortable aspects of our society, that unintentionally hurts people. it's just up to you if that something is something you care about.

i hope that answers your question, anon (and anyone else who's curious). take care, mate!

(edit 13/01/2023: due to some technical difficulties on tumblr's end, the notes aren't quite showing up properly, so here's the link to bamsara's reblog chain if you can't find it.)

[zukosdualdao]

also if i see another “zuko was actually very weak and cowardly for only confronting ozai during the eclipse” post, i am going to explode, actually.

y’all get that you are saying exactly what ozai said, right? you are using the same rhetoric ozai, as an abuser, was using to attempt to manipulate and berate his son.

zuko is protecting himself from ozai here. he has been in physical danger from ozai at least two other times prior to this. (three, i think, if we’re counting comic canon, but i know that’s contentious.) he is taking necessary precautions. acting like that is a bad/weak/immoral thing for him to do is abuse apologism, there’s literally no other word for it.

[hella1975]

it's been pointed out on here before that a lot of terf arguments are actually rooted in sexist idealology that feminists fought and died to unnormalise decades ago and that's its own kettle of fish but one thing i also find very frustrating about this so called 'radical' feminism is that it's so... defeatist? like the moment you categorically label an entire section of society as Bad and Inherently Evil then there's also the implication that nothing can be done about it, and it completely takes all accountability away. saying all men are evil is just another way of saying boys will be boys. he raped her because he's a man. he hit her because he's a man. he didn't listen because he's a man - it's almost offensively oversimplified. there's no point trying to fix this issue in society because men are just Like That, okay! so now what? it's not like they're going anywhere, so you just accept that 50% of the population are evil and will forever treat you terribly and there's nothing to be done about it bc they're biologically predisposed to it? like is that fr the argument here? you're soooo radical for that

[pespillo]

Won't do no good to go no distance The space between us is as boundless as the dark Won't do no good to throw no fist, boy You can't intimidate me back into your arms

My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me.

[furiousgoldfish]

for the abused children life is just being tortured and broken for most inane things like being sad or needing attention or making a face someone doesn't like, and then when you despite all efforts grow up, you're supposed to suddenly know how to stand up for yourself?? you're supposed to negotiate your salary?? tell people OFF?? without feeling like you will be crushed to the inch of your life if you even look at someone wrong?? what on the gods good earth

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

Pure suffering is loving Harley Quinn and hating that 90% of her new iterations are so reworked/gutted/flanderized that they aren't even Harley. And despite that, the main reasons people hate her all reek of misogyny. Harleen I'm so sorry, once I get Paul Dini's contact info we'll break into DC's editorial department and free you one day

[zu-is-here]

Let's end Mermay on a more positive note (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)♪ With someone playing the mating game exceeding his authority (ﾟωﾟ)

Leviathantale by @skumhuu

Cross by jakei95

Dream by jokublog

Killer by rahafwabas / rahaf-wabas / rahofy-sketch

[moxley]

"You just KNOW that if Cazador was even remotely hot you would never see the end of people shipping him with Astarion"

he... he is hot? pretty, at least. i feel neutrally about him. there's not a single physically unattractive character in this game. because i'm an adult who goes outside i feel comfortable saying that a character who does repulsive things is physically attractive.

the reason there's not much ship content for him is because he's astarion's abuser and the storyline is explicitly about abuse. like, the storyline is well-written and never confuses or conflates the two things. i need you to have more faith in the idea that people do actually understand the media they're consuming.

[primus-why]

This gave me similar vibes to:

Bonus: glowy "cracks" forming on someone's face.... hmmmmmmmmm