#congition

[wisemonjr]

Thomas's update video gave me a PLETHORA of ideas for sanders' sides' hats. gimme 4ish hours

[chronicswitch]

why do people not stop emailing. HANG ONNNN HANG ON IM WORKING ON IT

[sophsweet]

Diversifying my video making skills - Screensharing

Breakthrough in versatility for video editing and recording slide deck from Canva template over Loom from a Zoom call

I cheekily presented a slide deck I’d made in Canva from a template and uploaded my own images and found it on Lucy Griffith’s archives. Loom allows you to share links to videos in Loom, which is really useful for quickly showing someone how to do something. That is something I have an interest in doing. Screensharing is something I’ve been trying to do since 2020 when I signed up to Test.io to…

[damn-joker]

ren messed up sae's congition by telling her about the bathhouse scene

[anti-terf-posts]

Still find it fucking wack that queerphobes always cry "but the children, think of the children, protect the children!" and then turn around and send trans kids death threats, advocate for policies that put kids in more danger, and have whole accounts dedicated to shitting on queer people 24/7.

Genuinely unhinged behaviour, and somehow we're the crazy ones in their minds, I want to study this level of congitive dissonance under a microscope

nah frr like we're the crazy ones?? are you sure??

[genshingorlsrevengeance]

(Persona 5) Ann, Makoto, and Haru reaction to S/O's Palace/Shadow/Treasure

Quoth the Akihiko: "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS"

Playing Royal on my Switch has made me in a very Persona mood so happy to oblige!

I know a lot of writers in the P5 community has done this topic, but hopefully this will still be a good read for you guys!

Post Edit A/N: Wow, Ann got an all star-treatment unintentionally. Well this is awkward since her part is the size of a freakin' essay versus Makoto and Haru. I hope Ann fans will be happy lmao

Ann didn't know what to say when she discovered S/O had a Palace. Her mind was going through so many emotions as she stared at the Metanav app. S/O had been distant sure, but she never would have suspected their troubles ran this deep.

She first investigates the Palace by herself, only staying near the entrance. After looking around as much as she could from the exterior, Ann went to find Akira.

After the group unanimously agrees to infiltrate and help Ann, she remains completely serious, her light-hearted quips and positivity being completely absent during the heist.

While she is grateful for their help, in all honesty she wishes she could have infiltrated alone. This was far too personal to involve the entire group.

Regardless, nothing could be done about it now. She would just have to grit her teeth and bare it. At least that's what Ann told herself.

Palace Infiltration

Akira led Ann, Ryuji, and Morgana down the hallways of the Palace.

Peeking around the corner, he only saw one shadow.

(Akira) "Oracle, is there anyone else in the vicinity?"

(Futaba's Voice) "Hm...No, the room's empty, barring the one there."

(Ryuji) "Ready on your word, Joker."

(Morgana) "Panther, you good?"

(Ann) "...Yeah."

Akira nodded and the four crept closer to the room, realizing the hallway was slowly turning something akin to a bedroom.

What stuck out the most was that it looked normal, just a regular bedroom.

And now they got closer, the shadow they saw wasn't a shadow at all.

It was Ann. Or what appeared to be a S/O's cognitive Ann.

(Akira) "Oracle, you're positive no one is nearby?"

(Futaba) "Affirmative, Joker."

Ryuji and Morgana turned to Ann, who was still shocked to see herself.

In hindsight, maybe she shouldn't have been.

(Akira) "Panther, I'll leave this decision to you. What do you want to do?"

(Ann) "I...I want to talk to her, see what she knows."

Everyone nodded and let Ann go first.

The three of them stood back, ready to jump into the fray in case talks go south.

The Congitive Ann's eyes widened when they saw the group approach, jumping back in surpise.

(Cognitive Ann) "OH MY GOD, who are you guys?!"

(Ann) "W-We're not here to hurt you, please calm down!"

The first thing Ann noticed was just how normal she looked. There wasn't any exaggerated clothing, it was just her in her casual clothes.

The second thing was how she spoke. It sounded...pretty much just how she was in real life too.

(Cognitive Ann) "Those masks...Wait, are you guys the Phantom Thieves?!"

Ann looked back to Akira who was nodding in response.

(Ann) "...Yeah, we are."

(Cognitive Ann) "Ohmigosh, I am SUCH a big fan! You guys helped me and so many others when you brought Kamoshida to justice!"

It seemed like S/O wasn't aware that Ann was actually part of the Phantom Thieves.

It was unsettling to the group how normal the Cognitive Ann was acting. What was the catch?

(Ann) "We're glad to have helped."

(Cognitive Ann) "That being said, what are you guys doing here? Don't the Phantom Thieves just fight bad guys?"

(Ann) "We're not here to fight. Just ask a couple questions about S/O is all."

(Cognitive Ann) "S/O? What do they have to do with this? H-Have they done something wrong?!"

(Ann) "No! Of course not!"

Her voice started to shake a little, making Ryuji step in.

(Ryuji) "Sorry, what my friend here is wanting to say is we want to help them. You mind if we ask you some stuff?"

(Cognitive Ann) "If it'll help, sure thing."

Ryuji put a comforting hand on Ann's shoulder.

She gently brushed it off, but nodded in affirmation.

(Ann) "Thanks, Skull...So, what is this place?"

(Cognitive Ann) "Uh, I think it's some kind of cell."

(Ann) "Cell?"

(Cognitive Ann) "Yeah, it keeps me from interacting with S/O. Something about 'not wanting to get me involved' or...something."

This wasn't making any sense. Usually cognitions of other people were hostile as soon as they saw the Phantom Thieves. This cognition of herself was startlingly accurate.

Which made the next thing she said hurt all the more.

(Cognitive Ann) "Oh, I remember what they said to me now. They wanted me to stay happy and said I didn't deserve to be dragged down into their troubles."

(Morgana) "That's why this version of Ann is so normal. It's like she's a haven they wanted to keep safe."

(Ann) "..."

S/O had come with Ann to help Shiho. encourage her during her Model shoots, and listened intently as Ann complained about whatever.

They had always been there for Ann. Never once have they brought up their own troubles.

(Ann) "Why would S/O do that...?"

(Cognitive Ann) "It's stupid, right?"

(Everyone) ?!

(Cognitive Ann) "I told S/O so many times that they can come to me if they ever needed help. Instead, they go and try to keep me out of it. I swear, if I get out of here, I'm gonna give them a nice long talk!"

Ann couldn't help but chuckle.

That's exactly what she would have said under normal circumstances.

(Ann) "I know you will. And, one last thing. What do you think of S/O?"

(Cognitive Ann) "I think S/O is an idiot for letting this happen, bottling all their troubles up."

Ryuji, Akira, and Morgana were taken aback.

Ann was less so, as she couldn't help but agree.

(Ann) "Yeah, that sounds about right."

(Cognitive Ann) "But...They know I love them. I guess they were afraid I wouldn't if they told me."

It amazed Ann as much as it hurt how they kept her intact and didn't see her through rose tinted glasses.

If they could see her like this, why didn't they do the same for themselves?

(Ann) "We'll get S/O to you. You have our word."

After speaking to her cognitive self, she's filled with more determination than ever.

Shadow Fight

The Phantom Thieves after searching throughout the Palace and sending the calling card realized what the Treasure was this entire time.

It was the Cognitive Ann.

Taking her away from the group and ready to fight, Ann steps forward to try and reason with her S/O.

(Ann) "S/O! Please, we don't have to fight!"

(Shadow S/O) "You will NOT take her and drag her down to my level! I don't deserve it-"

(Ann) "Bullshit, you know Ann would say otherwise! We're not letting you go down on this self wallowing pity party anymore!"

(S/O) "The Phantom Thieves should be focusing on someone else, not me! Why the hell do you care?!"

Ann reached for her mask and pulled it off, Carmen being summoned right behind her.

(Ann) "BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, YOU IDIOT!"

(Futaba) "Energy levels rising, get ready for a fight!"

(Akira) "Panther!"

(Ann) "Right...Let's do this!"

At first, she doubted herself if she could fight her S/O's shadow.

But now, any doubts she had rocketed away.

If she had to beat the sense back into them, then so be it.

...

Treasure

S/O's shadow turned back to normal as they knelt on the ground, defeated.

Ann stepped forward, her mask still off as the other Phantom Thieves stood back to let her handle this.

The Cognitive Ann stood with the real Ann, letting her do the talking.

(Ann) "S/O...You should have just told me..."

(S/O) "I see that now...I'm so sorry, Ann."

She shook her head as she hugged them.

(Ann) "Don't apologize. Just...promise me you'll talk when you're ready."

(S/O) "I promise."

They slowly disappeared into blue light, with the Cognitive Ann glowing.

(Cognitive Ann) "So, the real treasure was me all along? Psh, talk about cheesey!"

Both Ann's had tears in their eyes, the real one wiping it off.

(Ann) "I know right? But...I'm glad we were able to help S/O out in the end."

(Cognitive Ann) "Yeah...Hah, to imagine that I was a Phantom Thief. We make the outfit rock, by the way."

As she began to disappear, the Cognitive Ann put her hand into the real Ann's palm.

(Cognitive Ann) "Make sure to show S/O this, okay? And thank you guys too."

She waved goodbye to the Phantom Thieves as she slowly faded away into a bright object into Ann's hands.

Ann smiled as she put the object in her pocket.

...It felt like she was forgetting something.

KABOOM!

...Oh god that's right, the Palace Collapse.

(Akira) "Time to go, MONA!"

Mona quickly transformed into the bus as everyone jumped in.

When they all escaped back into the real world, everyone took a deep breath.

Ann reached into her pocket and everyone looked to see what the treasure was.

It was a picture of her and S/O, smiling and eating some dessert stand in Shibuya.

You couldn't even tell S/O was hiding anything in the picture. The two of them together looked so happy.

Ann has the original photo in her phone, but seeing it take a physical form felt...different somehow.

(Ann) "Thank you guys so much for helping me."

As she wiped away the tears, everyone else smiled too.

(Akira) "Of course. We're here for you."

(Ryuji) "Make sure you go easy on S/O, alright?"

(Ann) "Right."

After seeing everyone off, Ann took a deep breath as she pulled up her IM's.

Ann: Hey, busy?

S/O: No, what's up?

Ann: Mind if we meet up somewhere? I want to talk.

S/O: Sure. I actually wanted to talk to you about something too.

Ann: Cool! Let's meet at the Park.

Taking another look at the photo, she couldn't help but smile.

This was their treasure?

No, if she learned anything from their Palace, Ann was their treasure.

Makoto was saddened, but not surprised by her S/O having a Palace.

If Sae could have one, and someone like Futaba used to have one, who's to say her S/O couldn't?

She sits on the information for a day or two, not sure what to do. Should she go by herself, or should she ask the others?

After all this wasn't an evil CEO or abusive celebrity. It was her S/O.

Makoto couldn't help but feel somewhat responsible for a palace forming. Was she too harsh on them, or was she not there for them enough?

She calms herself down, there's only one way to find out.

Makoto: Is everyone free at the moment?

Akira: Here.

Futaba: yo >:3

Ryuji: Wassup?

Ann: Something wrong?

Haru: I am.

Yusuke: I happen to be free, yes.

Shadow Fight

The Phantom Thieves found the treasure and secured their escape route.

What the treasure actually was however, no one could tell. It was locked inside a small vault.

But, S/O intercepted them, predictably.

(Shadow S/O) "You thieves think you can just steal from me?! Whatever happened to punishing people who deserved it?!"

Makoto steps forth as her fists clench, ripping off her mask.

(Makoto) "This isn't a punishment, this is an intervention S/O!"

(Shadow S/O) "Makoto?!"

(Makoto) "If you refuse to see yourself the way I see you, then I'll just have to show you!"

Johanna appears underneath her as she revs the engines, the other Phantom Thieves joining in the fight.

She doesn't hesitate to fight her S/O's shadow.

She was going to make them listen, no matter what.

Treasure

When the fight was over, Makoto left her mask off as she knelt down with S/O, taking their hand into hers.

(S/O) "...I never thought I was good enough to be with you."

Makoto didn't say anything, only squeezing their hand tighter.

(S/O) "I'm not smart enough, I don't have anything special about me compared to everyone else you could have been with I'm...I'm not important enough to be part of your life, with everything you have to keep in mind."

(Makoto) "You're wrong. You've always been important to me. Now, and always."

She gave them a tight hug as they smiled, slowly fading into a blue light.

The vault Akira was carrying began to fade away as well, letting a small round object fall into his hands.

Knowing the moment wouldn't last, she turned around and turned to Mona.

(Makoto) "Get us out of here, the Palace is going to come down any second!"

Leaving before things got out of hand, everyone got out with their breaths and heart rate still normal, surprisingly.

(Makoto) "Akira, may I see what the Treasure is?"

Akira nodded and gave it back to her, everyone politely giving her some space.

(Makoto) "T-This is...!"

It was a small Buchimaru keychain Makoto had given to them.

Makoto gave it to them as a birthday gift, wanting it to be something from the heart.

So she gave them something that she held onto as a kid for so long, as a way to remember her.

She had a bittersweet smile as she held tightly onto the keychain.

(Makoto) "I cannot begin to thank you all enough for today."

(Ann) "Come on, senpai. It's the least we can do!"

(Haru) "Yeah, if you need us again, please let us know anytime!"

(Makoto) "That won't be necessary, at least for now. I'll handle things from here."

Getting her phone out, she texted S/O without hesitation.

Makoto: I know this is sudden, but I would like to visit you, if that is alright.

S/O: Oh, sure. But is everything okay?

Makoto: It is. Don't worry, you're not in trouble. I just wanted to tell you something I've been meaning to for a while.

She puts the keychain in her pocket as she makes her way to the train station.

Haru's hands tremble when the Metanav pings back a result when she types in her S/O's name.

Every instinct in her roars at her to go find her S/O right now and hold them tightly.

But she knows that won't help.

She knows the method that will, but Haru is afraid.

After what happened with her father, she couldn't go through the loss of a third person she loved again.

Haru brings it up to Akira when she calms down. The Phantom Thieves gather almost instantly and are ready to help her on the same day.

They're even more determined to help than before. It may not have been their fault Okumura died, but they refuse to let Haru suffer anymore than she already has.

Haru adjusts her hat and mask as she walks with the vanguard into S/O's palace.

She's going to get to the bottom of this, no matter what.

Throughout the Palace, she is fighting with such ferocity that many shadows are stunned with fear.

Even her teammates take a step back every now and then.

Shadow Fight

Stealing the treasure was no easy task.

It was a massive tube containing some sort of plant, though it was alive and actively snapping at them.

When S/O's shadow, got in the way, Haru did not hesitate to step forward and remove her mask before S/O could say something and a fight would break out.

She gently held her hat as she stood in front of the group.

(Yusuke) "Noir!"

(Haru) "Please...Let me handle this."

(Shadow S/O) "H-...Haru?"

(Haru) "I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now. How...alone you feel."

(Shadow S/O) "Why...why are you here?!"

Haru didn't raise her voice, instead calmly speaking.

(Haru) "Because I want to tell you, you're not alone! We're here for you...I'm here for you! So please, tell me why! Why didn't you come to me?"

The tears in her eyes made S/O stand down, much to everyone's shock.

(Shadow S/O) "You told me yourself, so many people want to use you just for your money. None of them care for you like the way I do! That's why... I can't go to you, Haru."

They looked down in shame, everyone sensing their will to fight going away, Haru stepping closer.

(Shadow S/O) "You've already gone through so much these past few months. Your father, the company, everything...I shouldn't be adding even more on top of your worries. You deserve so much better than that."

(Haru) "..."

Everyone was anxious seeing Haru getting so close to S/O's shadow, but she simply held out her hand with nothing to fear.

(Haru) "May I hold your hand, just for a moment?"

S/O's shadow stared at her for a moment before obliging, letting her hold them.

She kissed the tips of their fingers before looking back at them.

(Haru) "Thank you for thinking of me. It makes me so happy to know that you care."

Slowly embracing them, S/O's shadow was taken slightly aback.

(Haru) "I know you'd never do anything to hurt me on purpose. But, that's why I'm hurting right now. You can't sacrifice your own well being just for me. You deserve to be happy, too."

She stepped back and put her hat back on.

(Haru) "I want you to rely on me, just as much as I rely on you."

Treasure

S/O's Shadow looked down, away from Haru for a moment before nodding.

(Shadow S/O) "...Okay. I don't know if I can make it work, but-"

(Haru) "I know it will."

As they slowly faded away, they turned to the rest of the Phantom Thieves.

(Shadow S/O) "Please take care of her too, okay?"

They disappeared, and Haru took a deep breath.

(Haru) "Let's go."

Everyone left the Palace as it collapsed, making it out to the real world.

(Haru) "Thank you all so much for-"

(Ryuji) "OWOWOWOW! SHIT THAT HURT!"

(Morgana) "Ryuji, really?-HOLY CRAP!"

Ryuji held in his hands a small potted cactus. That somehow fit in his pockets.

Haru gasped when she saw that was the treasure.

In the rooftop garden at Shujin, she grew a small cactus for S/O to keep.

She remembered telling them that it was a little gift, something they grew together to represent their relationship.

She wanted to give them a particular flower that symbolized love better, the cactus was something very easy for them to take care of.

Haru managed to hold back her tears as she took the cactus into her hands.

(Haru) "My apologies for making you hold the treasure. In hindsight, maybe I should have."

(Ryuji) "Owowow...D-Don't worry about it. Good job today, made S/O back down without a fight."

(Haru) "As much as I could and would have fought S/O's Shadow, I'm glad it didn't have to come to it today. I should probably be going, thank you all again! But first, let me make sure nothings stuck to you, Sakamoto."

After ensuring there was no injury, Haru brought up her phone as she held the potted cactus in the other hand.

Haru: If you are free, can you come to my place? I wish to give you something.

S/O: Sure, I'll be over in an hour. Is it alright for me to come, aren't you busy?

Haru: For you, I can make the time.

[lasnevadaslaborunion]

I was formulating an essay-style response to that steaming pile of garbage in my head while I watched it but then I realized I'd rather enjoy my holiday and stop thinking about that bastard forever

If this is really his last word on the matter, we're probably never going to get the whole truth, but this whole debacle has confirmed just how miserable his fandom was for me - if not forced by outsiders to apologize for shit that does not matter and that you had no part in, then you're surrounded by people spreading some of the most vile victim-blaming rhetoric you've ever seen for a guy who does not and cannot care about them individually no matter how much he presents himself otherwise.

I won't forget seeing "she was 17.95 so it doesn't matter" from someone I thought was a friend. I won't forget the cutesy little nicknames you came up with to avoid the congitive stress of your precious guy being an accused groomer. I won't forget the harassment you little shits openly confessed to with no remorse. I won't forget how you laughed at victims for being emotional about a potential betrayal, or dictated what a real victim should look like. I won't forget and I'm certainly not ready to forgive. I'm not forgiving the people who mocked and belittled you for harmless fun once, either; they're as much responsible for the sour state of things as the man they hated before they were given a viable excuse. Whatever the reason, this place became a black hole and I don't want to even be close to it.

It's not worth it. I'm done. I'm not talking about that motherfucker ever again, and please, hold me to that this time.

[squidhominid]

Man. This sucks.

Man.

I know the guy who plays Gyatso in the Netflix ATLA adaptation. It sucks seeing people trash on it. It REALLY sucks seeing people trash on it for good reason.

The congitive dissonance and emotional baggage of like... Knowing someone who worked on something, seeing how excited they were about it, knowing him and his wife are fans of the original show... And then seeing the public reaction to the missteps in writing and presentation by the people writing and directing the show.

It sucks.

It sucks a lot.

I guess the best I can really say is, like. Don't typecast the show as 'made by people who hate ATLA'. These are actual other humans who worked on this, and some of those people actually care quite a bit for the source material.

I agree it's kinda shitty that they just, plonked episode 12 into episode 1, and insist on telling, not showing, and undercutting all of the emotional tension of the original show in favor of weird VFX fights between people we have no attachment to.

But like. Man. I just.

I dunno, guys.

I just want to be able to be excited about this and excited for my friend, but instead it's turned into this being like, the popular hate-watch of the moment, and this whole situation just kinda sucks.

[ablednt]

I don't get gatekeeping cripple from people tbh

"If they're just ND and not also physically disabled they use the term but are sometimes ableist" implying??? That physically disabled people who reclaim cripple aren't often blatantly fucking ableist as well?

Idk like it's not that I don't get the frustration when mentally ill people who aren't visibly physically disabled don't take the time to actually listen to us and say stuff like "you wouldn't do this to a wheelchair user" about stuff that happens to us constantly

But as a mentally ill person who's also physically disabled there is just as much ableism against me in the cripplepunk communities from disabled people who consider themselves NT. Like if that's the logic we're going by then only people with both "physical" and "mental" disabilities could use cripple because plenty of y'all will be violently ableist to people with stigmatized illnesses.

"You can't use cripple you're not physically disabled" what are you? A fucking cop?

1. How are you defining physically abled because the vast majority of mentally ill people I know also have a lot of physical symptoms. It can be difficult to tell between anxiety or a stomach disorder and heart problem, depression and chronic fatigue, or adhd / dissociative disorders and brain fog. Half of the fucking time someone you think isn't physically disabled actually is.

2. Are we really going to pretend that the ableism faced by the mentally disabled community is any different than the physical one? Deaf people get called retarded, congitively disabled people and people with severe ptsd get called crippled, etc.

3. When you try to make rules for a punk community around reclaiming a slur you sound ridiculous lol. People are going to do whatever they're going to do. You can call them assholes if you don't like it but you don't get to make decisions for the whole community.

Like I get "y'all are reclaiming cripple but still being ableist" but the answer is to attack the actual ableism instead of focusing on whether or not they have enough marginalized points to use a word.

Just oh my god shut up thats not how punk movements work ND people belong in the community they just have to accept that if they're ableist they're getting called assholes and people aren't going to like them. Punk movements aren't psrsonal vetted spaces when you try to decide for others whether or not they belong you sound stupid.

[methed-up-marxist]

Reich says the masses weren't decieved but it seems quite obvious what adorno means by deception is precisely the complete restructuring of the experience of congition itself that reich has it mind when he is talking about character formation being intruded upon by sociological questions

[flicker-confessions]

im back to posting confessions, but with minor changes!

First of all, im not going to add the 'blog runners note' section all the time to confessions anymore. im still gonna write them down if i feel as if i have something of minor value to say! but if i dont or if im just too lazy i wont add it

Im not going to write down the submission date of the confessions anymore.it feels useless and tiresome. but! confessions feel empty without it- so i shall replace it with something else

and that is - 'hot take ratings'!

basically itll look like this

hot take rating: warm - spicy - hot - dangerous

warmmeans something mild or even agreeable

im sure everything else is comprehensible enough to the average individuals preception and the average individuals congitive abilities but if it requires any form of detailed explanation i shall provide it

ik it seems very silly and useless but eh

[spikemuthtoothfairy]

Growing up alongside an empathetic psychic type meant that James was keenly aware from a young age of just how intelligent Pokemon are. While it is true that certain Pokemon are less bright than others, they're all ultimately individuals with just as much congition as a human being.

Being able to speak to Fairy types the way he can now has only made that even more clear.

[neuroticboyfriend]

is it wrong for me to talk like this when no have ID or something... altho Do have congitive disability. this genuinely easier. i dont know why. i know can talk with so called proper grammar (for lack of better word) if put in effort. dont wanna. seem like mimic disability that i dont have. just wanna not spend so much time and energy on tumblr post. or communicate in general =/

[nerdydowntherabbithole]

Though considering how social and intelligent scugs are it is possible that they will move away from that more or less, if they develop into more complex societies and higher congitive abilities

PRECISELY MY THOTS

[busyfish]

i'm just journaling here so i'm going to just talk a lot under the cut

i cleaned the bird area and the cages and stuff tonight.

it's legitimately interesting to me to see like the areas of the cages where the birds are the most.

i know that ori's old cage is now the social area. they can all fit on the same perch in there. so like allll the poop is there. and the food area has some poop and obvi the food the falls to the floor.

the second cage is truly like the food area though. it seems to have near zero poops on the right side and only really a little poop near the food bowls. it is nearly just food that fell to the ground.

it's neat to be able to see the social habits of my birds just by cleaning after them.

-

it's a weird time for me.

it's 9 degrees right now and it's noticable that days are less bright too.

i feel like it's some-what better for me and i feel just a little lighter today even though i was so low energy i mostly just did bed all day.

i have been strongly and consistently depressed since June.

and when Ori died it made things so much worse.

and just July being July and me feeling like that was a time when my eyes got opened to something so hurtful, it just seems to like be "oh yeah it's time for that".

and of course being in the hospital recently.

right now i feel like i should be happier but i'm not.

the madoka movie trailer sort of got me off track of my like cycle i guess?

it's really like not something i want anymore.

it's not exactly just that i don't want to get over them or whatever.

i just feel like i can't.

i feel like i don't have much else to focus on when i feel lonely or i feel like i need some comfort and love and kind words or just someone telling me i'm cute and look pretty.

and it's not that i need the words. the words themselves are meaningless.

it's just having so much in common and feeling like we were kind of just meant for each and to be friends and on top of that having the words.

it's hard to replace that but also it's just hard knowing no one even really wants to replace that.

i'm not upset at anyone or anything like that but like no one really has time for me. we're at this point in life where everyone has their friends already, they have their busy lives, people work, most people function correctly.

i'm too much work and a hassle anyway.

-

i've really gotten into Kelly Moran lately.

she did a split with Prurient and i knew of her but didn't actually like look her up and like immerse myself into her works until very recently.

her regular piano stuff is cool but i wasn't aware she's a huge prepared paino composer.

which is juts amazing to me.

John Cage has always been a huge influence on me and when i heard that aphex twin album with all the prepared pieces on it i was like just in love in love.

it's something i've always wanted to do but never have had a lot of access to.

i've played prepared intrustments a bit but pianos are just so expensive and it takes a lot of work to prepare one properly.

one of these days maybe?

-

i have felt a lot of creativity inside of me lately.

there are things i want to express and perform and just geto ut of me.

but this depression i've been going through has juyst sucked the soul out of me and i find it hatrd.

i also just have gotten so fare rom like i guess, everything? i'm losing track of so many things now.

i forget to eat (because i don't get hungry) and i just don't take care as muic h as i should.

lately too my dyslexia has goten a lot worse nad also like dyspraxia has been hard to deal with,

there's also ust me having issues with words and stuff

there's just a huge like uh

i give up a lot of "necessary" congitive function to just pure survival but also i guess my mind sees and hears a lot of things that are expressive and creative instead.

and also just focusing on the liek special interest stuff.

so i feel like i am losing hte ability to keep myself like tangible to most people and it feels hard to me feral but also be like "please i need someone in my life"

i really do.

if only for a little bit.

just someone who can be there for me most days for just a little while.

keeup up with me and help me remember i am not lost.

i want to feel warmth and interest from someone.

i want to feel like i am a priorty and i matter al ot to them.

i don't know. it's asking a lot i guess.

people are either married or in romantic relationshops for that.

i'm never going to be married or have a romantic partner.

so i guess it's just not for me. i don't deserve those things.

but maybe once i get out of this depression i'll finish writing this thing i like a lot.

maybe i can draw it well enough too.

[abyssus-aeterna]

Enneagrammatic Alchemical Symbols

Upon reading this write-up made by RafflesiaArnoldii (kendrixtermina) I was inspired to symbolically represent the Enneagram types in an alchemy-esque manner.

Centres of Intelligence & Underlying Fixations

Gut / Impulsive → Anger

Heart / Emotional → Shame

Head / Mental → Dread

Either fixation can manifest in a three-fold manner:

Exteriorised { anger / shame / dread }

Centralised { anger / shame / dread }

Interiorised { anger / shame / dread }

Note. In hindsight, my symbols for 3 centres of intelligence are akin to how 4 congitive functions are represented in Socionics (〇 for sensation, △ for intuition, □ for thinking/logic, ∟ for feeling/ethics).

Object Relation Triads

Rejection / Transactionalist / Relationist → “Sulphuric”

Attachment / Pragmatist / Adaptive → “Saline”

Frustration / Idealist / Utopian → “Mercurial”

Hornevian Triads

Assertive / Aggressive → “Idic”

Withdrawn → “Egoic”

Dutiful / Compliant → “Super-Egoic”

Note. This is based on the theory of scrambling of centres. In hexad types (1/4/7 & 2/5/8), the secondary centre is in service of the primary, whilst the tertiary is (mostly) taken out of the picture; in triangle types (3/6/9), it’s their primary centre that is walled off from the secondary & tertiary centres.

Harmonic Triads

Positive Outlook / Reframing → “Sublimating”

Competency / Procedural → “Dissolving”

Reactivity / Expressing → “Præcipitating”

Note. Out of the multitude of alchemical processes to represent the harmoning triads I have chosen the following three: sublimation, dissolution, & præcipitation. This was done on the basis of their metaphorical meanings that are in common usage but which have been ultimately derived from their respective primary (al)chemical significations.

to sublimate (← Latin sublīmō “to raise, elevate”)

(alchemy & chemistry) to change directly from the solid to the vapour state without passing through the liquid state

(psychology) to divert the expression of (an instinctual desire or impulse) from its unacceptable base or primitive form to one that is considered more positive or socially or culturally acceptable

Types 2/7/9 cope with an adverse situation by shifting away from it, reframing it into sth positive, habitually searching for silver linings, &c. Thus, they sublimate.

to præcipitate (← Latin præcipitō “throw down, hurl down, throw headlong”)

(alchemy & chemistry) to cause vapour to condense and fall or deposit; to separate a substance out of a liquid solution or suspension into solid form

(common usage) to bring about a certain condition, especially abruptly, sudddenly, and quickly; to fall headlong or act with violent or unwise speed

Types 4/6/8 have an immediate, intense, flaring response or even an outburst to an adverse situation. Thus, they præcipitate.

to dissolve (← Latin dissolvō “to loosen up, break apart”)

(alchemy & chemistry) to disintegrate into a solution by immersion into a liquid or gas

(obsolete usage) to solve; to resolve; to clear up

Types 1/3/5 tend to cope by finding rational, logical solutions. Verbs solve, dissolve, & resolve share the same root. The image that comes to mind is this: analysing the situation at hand (i.e., dissolution) and coming up with the most suitable course of action to deal therewith (i.e., (re)solution).

Constructing an overall symbol (ligature) for each Enneagram type

It is possible to construct a cumulative symbol for each type by combining their respective triadic glyphs into one ligature.

Thus, the Hornevian Triad glyphs for each type would become the base to which the rest of the glyphs would be adjoined.

Then, for hexad types, one would append the respective Object Relation Triad glyph (sulphur for 2/5/8 or mercury for 1/4/7) on top of the base; for triangle types, the salt glyph (for 3/6/9) would instead go underneath.

As for the respective Harmonic Triad glyphs, those would go below everything: the dissolution glyph (for 1/3/5) would be inverted for the purposes of visual congruity; the glyphs for sublimation (for 2/7/9) & præcipation (for 4/6/8) would be used as they are.

Instinctual variants

It is also possible to represent the dominant instinct by adding one of the following to the overall symbol for any Enneagram type:

[ * ] Self-preservation instinct

[ ** ] Sexual instinct

[ *** ] Social instinct

Note. These can be either asterisks or small dots and can be added onto any side of the main symbol. To represent all of the instincts from the dominant to the blind-spot, one can simply stack the asterisks or dots on top of each other accordingly.