#conquer self-sabotage

[draftscyrus777]

Conquer Self-sabotage: Overcome self-defeating behavior

Feeling like your own worst enemy? Conquer self-sabotage and unlock your full potential with divine guidance!  Do you procrastinate, struggle with self-doubt, or keep falling short of your goals? You’re not alone. Self-sabotaging behavior can hold us back, but there’s hope. You can finally conquer and break free to achieve your dreams through the power of angelic intervention. Content…

[world-prayers]

Conquer Self-sabotage: Overcome self-defeating behavior

Feeling like your own worst enemy? Conquer self-sabotage and unlock your full potential with divine guidance!  Do you procrastinate, struggle with self-doubt, or keep falling short of your goals? You’re not alone. Self-sabotaging behavior can hold us back, but there’s hope. You can finally conquer and break free to achieve your dreams through the power of angelic intervention. Content…

[princesssarisa]

In the past I've shared other people's musings about the different interpretations of the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. Namely, why Orpheus looks back at Eurydice, even though he knows it means he'll lose her forever. So many people seem to think they've found the one true explanation of the myth. But to me, the beauty of myths is that they have many possible meanings.

So I thought I would share a list of every interpretation I know, from every serious adaptation of the story and every analysis I've ever heard or read, of why Orpheus looks back.

One interpretation – advocated by Monteverdi's opera, for example – is that the backward glance represents excessive passion and a fatal lack of self-control. Orpheus loves Eurydice to such excess that he tries to defy the laws of nature by bringing her back from the dead, yet that very same passion dooms his quest fo fail, because he can't resist the temptation to look back at her.

He can also be seen as succumbing to that classic "tragic flaw" of hubris, excessive pride. Because his music and his love conquer the Underworld, it might be that he makes the mistake of thinking he's entirely above divine law, and fatally allows himself to break the one rule that Hades and Persephone set for him.

Then there are the versions where his flaw is his lack of faith, because he looks back out of doubt that Eurydice is really there. I think there are three possible interpretations of this scenario, which can each work alone or else co-exist with each other. From what I've read about Hadestown, it sounds as if it combines all three.

In one interpretation, he doubts Hades and Persephone's promise. Will they really give Eurydice back to him, or is it all a cruel trick? In this case, the message seems to be a warning to trust in the gods; if you doubt their blessings, you might lose them.

Another perspective is that he doubts Eurydice. Does she love him enough to follow him? In this case, the warning is that romantic love can't survive unless the lovers trust each other. I'm thinking of Moulin Rouge!, which is ostensibly based on the Orpheus myth, and which uses Christian's jealousy as its equivalent of Orpheus's fatal doubt and explicitly states "Where there is no trust, there is no love."

The third variation is that he doubts himself. Could his music really have the power to sway the Underworld? The message in this version would be that self-doubt can sabotage all our best efforts.

But all of the above interpretations revolve around the concept that Orpheus looks back because of a tragic flaw, which wasn't necessarily the view of Virgil, the earliest known recorder of the myth. Virgil wrote that Orpheus's backward glance was "A pardonable offense, if the spirits knew how to pardon."

In some versions, when the upper world comes into Orpheus's view, he thinks his journey is over. In this moment, he's so ecstatic and so eager to finally see Eurydice that he unthinkingly turns around an instant too soon, either just before he reaches the threshold or when he's already crossed it but Eurydice is still a few steps behind him. In this scenario, it isn't a personal flaw that makes him look back, but just a moment of passion-fueled carelessness, and the fact that it costs him Eurydice shows the pitilessness of the Underworld.

In other versions, concern for Eurydice makes him look back. Sometimes he looks back because the upward path is steep and rocky, and Eurydice is still limping from her snakebite, so he knows she must be struggling, in some versions he even hears her stumble, and he finally can't resist turning around to help her. Or more cruelly, in other versions – for example, in Gluck's opera – Eurydice doesn't know that Orpheus is forbidden to look back at her, and Orpheus is also forbidden to tell her. So she's distraught that her husband seems to be coldly ignoring her and begs him to look at her until he can't bear her anguish anymore.

These versions highlight the harshness of the Underworld's law, and Orpheus's failure to comply with it seems natural and even inevitable. The message here seems to be that death is pitiless and irreversible: a demigod hero might come close to conquering it, but through little or no fault of his own, he's bound to fail in the end.

Another interpretation I've read is that Orpheus's backward glance represents the nature of grief. We can't help but look back on our memories of our dead loved ones, even though it means feeling the pain of loss all over again.

Then there's the interpretation that Orpheus chooses his memory of Eurydice, represented by the backward glance, rather than a future with a living Eurydice. "The poet's choice," as Portrait of a Lady on Fire puts it. In this reading, Orpheus looks back because he realizes he would rather preserve his memory of their youthful, blissful love, just as it was when she died, than face a future of growing older, the difficulties of married life, and the possibility that their love will fade. That's the slightly more sympathetic version. In the version that makes Orpheus more egotistical, he prefers the idealized memory to the real woman because the memory is entirely his possession, in a way that a living wife with her own will could never be, and will never distract him from his music, but can only inspire it.

Then there are the modern feminist interpretations, also alluded to in Portrait of a Lady on Fire but seen in several female-authored adaptations of the myth too, where Eurydice provokes Orpheus into looking back because she wants to stay in the Underworld. The viewpoint kinder to Orpheus is that Eurydice also wants to preserve their love just as it was, youthful, passionate, and blissful, rather than subject it to the ravages of time and the hardships of life. The variation less sympathetic to Orpheus is that Euyridice was at peace in death, in some versions she drank from the river Lethe and doesn't even remember Orpheus, his attempt to take her back is selfish, and she prefers to be her own free woman than be bound to him forever and literally only live for his sake.

With that interpretation in mind, I'm surprised I've never read yet another variation. I can imagine a version where, as Orpheus walks up the path toward the living world, he realizes he's being selfish: Eurydice was happy and at peace in the Elysian Fields, she doesn't even remember him because she drank from Lethe, and she's only following him now because Hades and Persephone have forced her to do so. So he finally looks back out of selfless love, to let her go. Maybe I should write this retelling myself.

Are any of these interpretations – or any others – the "true" or "definitive" reason why Orpheus looks back? I don't think so at all. The fact that they all exist and can all ring true says something valuable about the nature of mythology.

[flowersforchoso]

—Bi-han courting you ᥫ᭡

it's hard to imagine this blizzard of a man ever falling for someone, but he does, and he falls pretty hard when it happens although it's like, an extremely rare occurrence.

it's the classic love-at-first-sight scenario. you're at the restaurant, conversing with madame bo from a distance, when you catch his attention. he likes what he sees, and like the typical man, he discreetly stares until you're out of sight

he doesn't think much about you afterwards, but the seed of attraction has already been planted and soon grows.

somehow, coincidentally, he meets you again at the same place (fate perhaps?) but this time, it's different—you're both face-to-face and introductions ensue.

since the lin kuei trio occasionally unwind at the establishment after a mission, and you're a healer who madame bo often consults, it's no surprise your paths cross

bi-han is laser focused on you as the said woman introduces you to the group, observing you like a specimen: your physicality, mannerisms, demeanour, and finds himself magnetized by your graceful aura

but he doesn't speak to you at all while pleasantries are exchanged, making him the odd one out. however, his assessment of you is positive indicating a romantic interest.

despite the brief interaction, you leave a lasting impression on him and have begun to take up permanent residence in his mind.

but it doesn't end there; he sees you quite often due to your affiliation with the old woman, and each time he does, his heart skips a beat; he's emotionally incapacitated, rendered powerless (proximity to him is the only way anything can happen tbh)

he represses this newfound emotion until he's unable to resist, ultimately surrendering to it. and believe it or not, he makes the first move. surprisingly

i know the consensus is that he's pretty much inexperienced in romantic relationships and hence wouldn't approach, but for a man of his calibre, there's no way he hasn't been in a committed relationship, even if short-lived. moreover, he goes after what he wants, romantic matters are no different; the only issue is it'll take him forever to get to it.

he has to first wrestle with himself over his feelings towards you. and once he overcomes this internal struggle, it'll take your sustained absence to propel him to finally pursue you out of fear that you might slip away from his grasp.

while he won't directly approach you, he communicates his interest via subordinates, which leads to unexpected appearances—a blue-clad ninja at your doorstep bearing gifts

you're very confused, but they explain they've been sent by their grandmaster. it is then you come to the realization that the standoffish, intimidating man you encountered at the restaurant has taken a liking to you! but wait- how does he know where you live? (he's gathered bits of information about you)

in his quest to conquer your heart and claim it as his, he first aims to impress. expect to be bombarded by gifts or flowers every fortnight. he also does this for ego reasons, to flaunt his status before eventually requesting a date—through a mouthpiece, of course.

the occasion is quite awkward, overly formal, with you doing most of the talking because he wants to know all about you like the back of his hand

if you attempt to redirect focus on him to satisfy any curiosity you may have, he basically shuts it down by saying something along the lines of, "i lead a formidable warrior clan, that is sufficient enough." you can't tell if he's just reserved or severely lacking in social skills, but if you peer hard enough, the lines are blurred.

he is actually very mindful of his words and respectful towards you. he is aware of how blunt and abrasive he can come across and doesn't want to scare you away; that would undo all his efforts and bring them to naught, and he isn't going to self-sabotage, not after coming this far

he's gentlemanly, and its obvious from his body language and actions he's infatuated with you. but being a conversationalist and showing affection aren't his strong suits, so this is where you come in. the ball is in your court to steer the budding relationship forward otherwise it'll stagnate

[moonastrogirl]

Mula nakshatra

Credit @moonastrogirl

Ruled by Kali, the destructive goddess bringing darkness to make one face their fears and limitations so they can grow into the best version of themselves. Or to make someone face the consequences of their wrong doings so they can face divine justice.

Mula natives grow in the darkness. Darkness is their territory and they made it their kingdom. They face many internal battles no one knows about. Fighting inner demons, inner restrictions or inner self or collective beliefs daily. Having a mula moon in a chart shows a mind full of chaotic energy that can be channeled only through self mastery and self control.

Mula is the epitome of female rage once its destructive energy is released. The same female rage that helped so many women free themselves of the chains of oppression crafted by patriarchy. The same female rage that created feminism and is fighting for women’s rights around the world.

When this energy is used correctly and mastered by the native, they become great advocates of women’s rights. They stand up for women, mothers, girls.

Rage and anger are powerful emotions that can make someone transformed themselves and become solid like a rock in the middle of a storm.

They also have great wisdom. They are Sagittarius after all. And who is more wise than a Sagittarius ruled by Jupiter the planet of wisdom, knowledge and expansion ? They can make great mentors once they master their inner self.

Mula natives gotta embrace the inner storms that rage inside of them and use the energy to transform themselves to become who they are supposed to be.

And who will they become ? They will tap into the next nakshatra energy. The conquering and victorious purva ashada nakshatra ruled by Venus (The commander in chief of the asuras).

Once I asked a mula dominant who was working in a higher position in a big company how they manage to handle people who are jealous of their work and try to sabotage them in the work place ? Because I saw how much of a hard working person they were and they did what it took to get there. They answered me « I don’t care ». And that’s exactly how mula natives are.

They don’t care about the outside influences. They only care about the inside influences (their close friends and family). As they should because it’s best for them to focus on themselves to grow. And they know the biggest storms in their life come from the inside so that’s where their focus is at all times.

Mula natives are powerful people ruled by both ketu and guru (Jupiter). Guru is the adviser and ketu is the army. The moves they make are always calculating and well thought of. Ketu ruled people are also quite versed in spirituality. Mula natives are the masters of it. Finally they rarely lose any confrontation and are fearless opponents.

This post wasn’t easy for me cause mula and Sagittarius energy is in my 7th house so it’s my subconscious mind that I needed to tap into but hopefully I know enough Sagittariuses who helped me tap into my inner strength and resilience just like they do daily.

If you resonate with this post, please feel free to like, comment or reblog it. Thank you for reading me 💜

Credit @moonastrogirl

[agentmarcuspike]

frankie morales x dominatrix (+ ex!reader)

synopsis: after breaking up with you on a self sabotaging whim, frankie finds his way back into familiar arms to cope content warnings: mentions of drugs and addiction, sub!frankie, destructive and avoidant behavior, sex work, joi (jerk-off instructions), masturbation (m), degredation kink, vague descriptions of dissociation, dom's name is jessica (after my hero @hier--soir), cum, some pain and tears related to jerking off (stop if it hurts, guys!), military related trauma, very brief attempt at aftercare word count: ~ 2.7k a/n: my first frankie fic! thank you, han @swiftispunk, for proof reading af, for encouraging me to conquer my p0rn shame, and of course for writing such an inspiring sub!frankie. we love him (and u)

Frankie knew it wasn’t fair to you. He knew he’d cause you pain by ending things after twelve amazing, promising months. But compared to the inevitable pain he was doomed to bring everyone he loved and cared for, it was nothing. 

He’d been clean for a mere week when you met, and the rush you gave him had been enough to replace the rush of a high. For a while. But when the withdrawals and unrest returned, and the butterflies could no longer keep the cravings at bay, you’d held him through the tremors, wiped the cold sweat off his forehead, and at no point had you judged him for his past or his way of coping. You’d loved him. 

And you still did. 

Did he love you too? Most likely. Probably. Yes. Which was why he had done what he had. Because you deserved someone better for you. Someone without his history, his trauma, his wounds. No matter how much he loved you for tending to them, you shouldn’t have had to. And that’s why he’d left, on this gloomy Sunday evening, with no other explanation than, “I’m sorry.”

It’s also why Frankie finds himself roaming the chilly city, street lights blurry, all noises softened by a thick layer of apathy. He has no idea how long he’s been walking, no idea whether he’s tired or not. He feels like a shadow of himself, with no wants or needs, no ambition or goals. Just a body moving, constantly moving, to avoid having to think or feel. But as a bicycle quickly swooshes past him on the sidewalk, almost knocking him over, he stops in his tracks and looks around. 

He finds he’s made his way to the other side of town. The air is thicker here somehow, heavier with desperation than in the area he'd tricked himself into thinking he'd belonged in for the past couple years, amongst white picket fences and successful neighbors.

Here, the atmosphere is familiar. People seeking shelter between dumpsters, some asleep, some chasing relief in a fashion Frankie is all too acquainted with. A single buzz goes off in his head when the urge comes back to him. It would be so easy. He knows where to get it, knows how it works. Where to go, who to see, what to say. It would give him the energy to do whatever he could to keep this heartache away. 

So he sets his legs back in motion. At the end of the street, they make a conscious right, a left, and then his mind is wandering again, off in a different direction than his feet. And then his feet stop. He’s standing outside of a regal looking building. Off-white stone façade, adorned with French balconies and decorations, art deco mascarons staring down at him with empty eyes.

Two white columns frame the heavy front door he’s walked through so many, many times. Not since you, though. Frankie has not had the need to visit this place since you first locked eyes with him. 

Without a second thought, before he can change his mind, he rings the doorbell and he’s buzzed inside. With every heavy step up the marble stairs, echoing off the shiny walls, the lights in Frankie’s brain turn off one by one. As he reaches the fourth floor, he’s merely a shell of himself, a puppet on a pair of floppy strings, longing for someone to take control.

He stands still on the landing for a minute, breathing slowly, deliberately, waiting for his arm to rise and knock on its own. It doesn’t, so he orders his hand to place three quick raps on the door.

A few seconds later, a woman comes out. Her hair is tied up, haphazardly moved out of her face and neck with an elegant claw clip. The hand she’s not using to hold the door open is placed in front of her, fingers in a fist clutching the two sides of a silk robe together, careful not to expose more of herself than what’s already poking out from underneath the short covering.

“Frankie…?” she asks, brows raised in surprise. 

He gives her a nod and a weak, “Hi” in response, clearing his throat and repeating the greeting. “Jessica,” he mutters. 

The woman takes a step over the doorstep, pulling her robe tighter around herself.

“I didn’t expect you! We didn’t have an appointment today, did we?” Her voice is slightly panicked, worried she’s forgotten, her eyes darting quickly down to the non-existent watch on her wrist.

Frankie shakes his head. “No.” He shifts his weight from one leg to the other, opening and closing his fidgety hands. “I just…” His voice cracks, he swallows and tries again. 

“I just need two minutes.” 

Something in his core refuses to let him look at the woman in front of him. 

He knows her well, knows she’d never judge him. She’s seen him in much more vulnerable positions than this, and yet, something about being so emotionally affected in front of her has him staring at the floor.

She leans down, bending at the waist and tilting her head to find his eyes, making him look at her. When he does, his voice is weak, but assured. He knows what he needs. “Please.”

The plea is enough. Jessica gives him a subtle nod before stepping aside and letting Frankie in. 

He automatically kicks off his shoes and parks them by the door. Straightening back up, arms fixed by his sides, he awaits further instruction.  

“Clothes off, sweetie,” Jessica commands softly. “And wait right here for me. Be right back.” She disappears from the hallway and into the living room, leaving Frankie alone to undress. He makes quick work of it, not bothering with all the buttons, careless about whether they end up inside out or not. 

He sheds his clothes like he wants to shed his skin and grow a new one. A brand new layer, thicker than the one he has, one free of marks from your bruising touch.

On autopilot, he drops to his knees on the tiled hallway floor, hands clasped behind his back, easily and comfortably slipping back into the familiar cadence of compliance. 

The hard cold surface keeps him from crashing into the floor, from falling through it, by burrowing into his knees, stone against bone. He forces all of his attention to the sensation; the dull ache in his kneecaps, the strain in his thighs. The feeling of staying in position despite the discomfort fills him with a sense of pride and control only certain things can give him. One of them is playing the part of soldier, fighting on someone else’s behalf. The other is this; surrendering completely to someone else’s needs and wishes. 

Jessica is back a quick minute later. 

“Come in, Frankie.” 

Hands on the floor for support, he rises and follows her. 

The room isn’t new to him. He’s seen it before, but only in passing, on his way to her bedroom, to the bathroom and back again. But he’s never spent time there, or had the opportunity to really see her private space. It’s a stark contrast to her cold and minimal bedroom. The space isn’t big, so the green velvet couch placed in the middle of the room instead of against a wall is a bold choice. To the left and right of the sofa sit two small side tables, the floor space covered by a massive persian rug. 

Jessica gestures to this rug as she sits, legs crossed and arm thrown casually over the back of the sofa, causing her robe to cleave at the top, showing off her clavicles. 

Frankie finds his place in the middle of the carpet. He should feel vulnerable, fully naked in a new environment. But Jessica’s mild authority, untroubled by the situation, keeps him calm. 

“You just need two minutes, you said?” 

Frankie nods. 

“Very well, then. Two minutes is what you get,” she declares. And then, demanding:

“Kneel.”

And Frankie does. One knee at a time touches the soft carpet beneath him. His hands come down to support him before he sits back on his heels, head bowed, only looking up at her through his lashes when he hears her shuffle.

From the side table to her right, she picks up a round egg shaped gadget and turns the top and bottom halves in opposite directions. For a second he thinks it’s gonna vibrate, until he hears the ticking. Jessica puts the kitchen timer back down on the side table.

“Those are your precious seconds, big boy. You better start touching yourself.”

Frankie’s hand automatically shoots down to palm himself, already half hard from excitement, but seeing his hesitant movements, she clarifies.

“Two minutes to come for me, or you’re not gonna be allowed to come in a very…,” She drags out the pause between the words, “...Very long time. Understand?”

Frankie nods. 

“Use your words, baby.”

“Yes, ma’am.” His voice is hoarse with anticipation. “I understand, ma’am.”

“Good boy.” She gives him a wink. “Now go on, make yourself come for me.”

Her command, combined with the ticking sound of time passing, has him quickly tugging at himself, eroticizing anything and everything he can see around him to get there; Jessica’s toned and shiny calves, the way a stray piece of hair has escaped her claw clip and softly caresses her cheekbone. His hand is tight around his cock as he fists himself frantically. Precum starts to gather at his tip, glistening in the soft lighting, and he smears it over his length.

Jessica spreads her legs on the couch in front of him, making Frankie groan with impatience, but she quickly places a hand in her lap, blocking his view.

“Look at you. So needy, so whiny.”

Frankie moans, not meeting her gaze, the quick pumps of his wrist making him sore and frustrated and he can feel something building, but he’s not quite there yet.

“I haven’t even undressed and you’re all worked up.” Her voice is soft and obnoxiously affectionate. “How pathetic.” 

He finally looks up at her face, his sad eyes begging for more; Frankie wants her to look at him too. Wants her to see him. But she doesn’t pay him any mind, she’s only eyeing the ticking clock. 

“One minute now,” she tsks. “It’s all the time you deserve, to be honest.”

And now she looks at him. Her gaze is sharp and domineering, but there’s something round behind it. Something in the shape of worry. It quickly disappears when she speaks again.

“You’re not worth any more of my attention,” she continues. “A disgrace, that’s what you are. Just a dirty, filthy masturbator.” 

As she shifts slightly in her seat, her robe slips off of one of her shoulders, exposing more of her skin and chest. Frankie swallows harshly at the sight. 

Mouth agape, tongue poking out to wet his lips, he squeezes his eyes shut, focusing only on the command, his one objective: come. The soft hairs of the carpet are starting to feel like knives, boring into his skin, a welcome pain were it not distracting him from the task at hand. He shifts ever so slightly from side to side, relieving his knees from the hurt in turn.

Jessica must sense his discomfort, because she purrs, 

“You’re not gonna come all over my carpet, are you?”

Frankie shakes his head frantically and begins to walk on his knees towards the shiny hardwood floor. 

“I’d have to make you clean it up,” Jessica continues.

Tears are pushing behind Frankie’s eyes as he nears release. His toes curl, and he grits his teeth, trying to block out the timer’s insistent ticks. 

“10 seconds, now,” she informs him. He squeezes his cock even harder, pumping himself with short quick strokes. Blood rushes through his ears, muffling Jessica’s voice as she counts down.

“Five, four…”

He’s outside of his body. His breath hitches.

“Three, two–”

As the room fills with the shrill of the alarm, Frankie’s cock pulses in his hand, spurting thick ropes of hot cum onto the floor. He keeps going, using his own spend as lubrication, choking his hard length until he’s shuddering, hunched over, sweaty and teary eyed. 

Frankie’s body slants forward. He steadies himself with his hands on his thighs, blinking slowly as he concentrates on catching his breath, returning his body. Jessica is patient. She waits until his chest fills and empties itself of air at a reasonable pace, and then she stands up and walks towards him. 

His head shoots up when she reaches him, but she places herself behind him, a comforting hand on each of his shoulders, and bends down to kiss his head.

“Stay,” she whispers as she gets back up and moves to leave the room, Frankie left on the floor with his thoughts and his mess. He wonders if he should clean up–even if he had managed to avoid the carpet–but he doesn’t have time to do anything before Jessica is back. She’s carrying his things, his shirt hanging over her arm as she works to turn his other clothes right side out. 

Slowly, carefully, she helps him back into what he’d been wearing when he’d arrived. One hand through the sleeve. Then the other. Stepping into his underwear, then his jeans, one leg at a time. She saves his hat for last. Before placing it over his messy head of curls, she cups his face with the palm of her hand. 

She leans in, placing a delicate kiss to his cheek, lips barely brushing his skin. Frankie blinks. Accepting softness from Jessica isn’t new to him, but the words she gives him after take him by surprise.

“I’m proud of you, Frankie.” 

Her eyes are earnest, open, genuine. He almost finds it in him to believe her, and allows himself to lean into her touch, resting his heavy head on her palm for a second shorter than he’d like to, breaking away when the darkness behind his closed eyelids makes way for pictures of you holding him, him leaning back on you. 

He quickly reassesses, telling himself this is your job, that he’s a customer, that he hadn’t even made an appointment. He should tip you at least 200%. Shaky hands dig into the pockets of his jeans, pulling out no more than two twenties. 

Swearing under his breath, Frankie starts to panic. 

“I– I didn’t…” he begins. “It was so spontaneous–”

She shushes him. “Don’t worry about it.” Her smile is heartfelt, which embarasses him even more. “I’m just glad you came.”

Frankie shakes his head. “No, I wanna pay. I mean, speaking of coming, let me at least wipe my cum off your floor.” He gestures to the sticky mess slowly coagulating on her floorboards. 

Jessica snickers.

“Do you do the dishes when you’ve eaten out too?” She raises her brows, and he chuckles, shaking his head quietly. 

“It’s all part of the service, baby. Come on, let me walk you out.”

On the doorstep, he gives Jessica a quick kiss goodbye. He thanks her again, and she thanks him back, though for what he’s not sure. Visiting? Choosing her? The company? Either way, he takes her gratitude and shoves it in his pocket with the twenties. When he reaches the lobby, passing a wall full of mailboxes, he quickly locates hers, and swiftly shoves the two bills into the mouth of it. 

Frankie’s feet start moving down the street, and his head absentmindedly follows. His skull is no less heavy, the feelings just as painful, and pictures of you still project onto the insides of his eyelids every time he blinks. But a lightness now coats his mind. A sense of victory. He resisted the easy way out. He chose to stay sober, even though he could’ve so easily gone back to his old ways of burying any unwanted feelings in torrents of snow. 

And with that feeling of achievement, of growth and gain, he realizes where his feet are taking him. The tall buildings turn into houses, the shop windows into white picket fences. In the distance he makes out the house you’ve made a home together. He prays you’ll open the door. That you’ll give him some time. He just needs two minutes.

i have a feeling tumblr is limiting my posts or something, and i don't have a taglist, so here are some absolutely no pressure tags for people i think might enjoy this/who have liked my previous fics?? let me know if i'm wrong!!

@joelsversion @joelscruff @missredherring @iamasaddie @toxicrecs @eupheme @sweetercalypso @mrsmando @lunitareads @amanitacowboy @tieronecrush @psychedelic-ink @perotovar @thetriumphantpanda @joelsgreys @undercoverpena @pedgito @wannab-urs @gasolinerainbowpuddles @thelightsandtheroses

[elicathebunny]

Self-doubt or self-sabotage?

Conquering the fear of being seen so you can achieve your dreams.

Historically, humans lived in small, close-knit groups or tribes, typically consisting of about 150 individuals, known as Dunbar's number. This limited number of social connections was manageable for our brains, allowing us to form meaningful relationships and navigate social hierarchies effectively. Today, we are constantly exposed to a vast number of people through social media, where we can have hundreds or even thousands of connections. This can overwhelm our brain's capacity to manage social relationships. Early human survival depended heavily on being part of a group. Being accepted by the tribe meant safety, resources, and cooperation. Rejection could lead to isolation and danger. In modern settings, being authentic in front of many people, such as on social media or in public speaking, can feel like facing a large, judgmental audience. This can trigger anxiety as our brains interpret this as a potential threat to our social standing. Authenticity often involves expressing opinions, emotions, and personal stories. The fear of negative reactions, criticism, or misunderstanding can make us feel exposed and vulnerable.

Here are some common examples of self-doubt:

- Impostor Syndrome - Fear of Failure - Comparison to Others - Negative Self-Talk - Perfectionism - Limiting Beliefs - Seeking External Validation - Setting Unrealistic Expectations - Fear of Rejection or Criticism

How to overcome self-doubt:

1. Recognise and Acknowledge Your Feelings

Start by acknowledging and accepting your self-doubt and fear of being seen. Understand that these feelings are common and normal, but they don't define you.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself by examining the evidence that supports them. Question the validity of these thoughts and replace them with more realistic and supportive ones.

3. Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when facing self-doubt or fear. Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself in a gentle and encouraging manner, as you would to a friend in need.

4. Embrace Imperfection

Accept that it's okay to be imperfect and that making mistakes is a natural part of growth and learning. Embrace your flaws and vulnerabilities, as they make you human and relatable.

5. Set Realistic Goals

Set realistic and achievable goals for yourself, taking into account your abilities and limitations. Break larger goals into smaller, more manageable steps, and celebrate each accomplishment along the way.

6. Focus on Your Strengths

Identify your strengths and talents, and focus on nurturing and developing them. Remind yourself of past successes and achievements to boost your confidence and self-belief.

7. Exposure Therapy

Gradually expose yourself to situations that trigger self-doubt or fear of being seen. Start with small, manageable steps and gradually increase the level of exposure over time. Each successful exposure will build your confidence and resilience.

8. Seek Support

Reach out to supportive friends, family members, or a therapist for guidance and encouragement. Share your feelings and experiences with someone you trust, and allow them to offer perspective and support.

9. Visualise Success

Visualise yourself overcoming self-doubt and fear, and imagine yourself succeeding in situations that challenge you. Visualisation can help boost your confidence and reinforce positive beliefs about yourself.

10. Take Action Despite Fear

Take action despite feeling afraid or uncertain. Recognise that courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to act despite it. Step out of your comfort zone and embrace new opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

11. Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques

Practice mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, or other relaxation techniques to calm your mind and reduce feelings of anxiety and self-doubt. These practices can help you stay grounded and present in the moment.

12. Celebrate Your Progress

Celebrate your progress and achievements, no matter how small. Acknowledge your efforts and accomplishments, and recognize the courage it takes to face your fears and self-doubt head-on.

[wanderingswampbeast]

Long Post: Why I Don’t Like The Drow

I’ve been ranting about this to a friend on discord (a lot of points I make will come from him) but I’ve finally figured out what my issue with the drow is outside of inherently evil groups being dumb.

The drow are boring. Drow lore is less of a dive into a unique culture and more of a list of fucked up things they do. Like, I cannot name a single interesting aspect of typical drow society that does not directly involve murder, sexism, or slavery, or Lolth. And even then, most of those things are written about in an incredibly bland fashion with them.

The Drow don’t really have much depth to them, and are just kind of evil for evil’s sake (or “because Lolth said so”). They do slavery, but the only real purpose of doing slavery for them is “because Lolth said so”. It isn’t for cheap labor, it’s to be more evil. They betray each other purely because that’s what evil people do. They’re misandrist, not for any real societal reason, but because Lolth hates men. There’s none of what would make slavery an interesting topic or story element, no justification for why they should be allowed to commit one of the worst injustices possible, no real economic reason for it. They just do it because Lolth says they should, and from a writing perspective it hammers home the fact that they’re evil. They aren’t evil because they enslave and murder, they enslave and murder because they’re evil, if that makes any sense.

Them being written as comically evil as they are also hurts them from a worldbuilding perspective. They’re so reliant on slaves for menial labor that the lower class of their society struggle to get jobs. Drow culture so obsessed with betrayal and dumbass house wars that even when actively under attack from the outside they sabotage each other. They’re so decadent that their buildings are held up with magic and semi regularly collapse when a spell fails. To put it bluntly, drow society feels like one that should have collapsed in a few centuries, which, funnily enough, is way longer than D&D elves live.

Their culture being so monolithic also makes writing anything about them difficult. Every drow antagonist is going to have near identical motivations, methods, and ideologies as every other drow antagonist. Every drow protagonist is going to ultimately feel very similar to Drizzt, because leaving their fucked up society to become a do-gooder is such a common backstory element that they added a whole extra god just for doing that. In fact, you can divide 90% of drow characters from any official materials into these categories:

Manservant

Ambitious male, usually a wizard (5 bucks says he has long hair and a widow’s peak)

Dommy Mommy Warcrime Woman

Drizzt Do’Urden or one of his many duplicates

Self-loathing and/or resentful Drider

And finally, their existence almost purely to be humanoid enemies you can fight at nearly any levels is just kind of lazy. This is a problem that I have with the “evil races” of a lot of fantasy but having a group that’s evil by birth just feels like an excuse to not have to write actual motivations for your antagonists. It’s the difference between “go attack this camp of soldiers because they’re part of the SkullMurder army and their general wants to use our land to build a dread fortress” vs “go attack this camp of soldiers specifically because they’re drow/goblins/orcs/the dreaded peepee-poopoo folk”. Using stuff like this just feels like an excuse to not have to write an actual antagonist since it comes pre-written in the group’s lore. This has the side effect of whenever such a group is the antagonist of the plot, the players or audience know near exactly what to expect. The orc is here to conquer, the goblin is here to steal, and the drow is here to enslave or do some dark ritual.

I’ve legitimately heard people say “well if XYZ can’t be inherently evil anymore, who will we use as bad guys?” It’s very simple: whoever the fuck we want. Write an evil queen, or a scheming wizard, or an underground slave trade network. For God’s sake, anyone can be evil, you don’t need to tie that to a specific ethnic group and write it as “they’re just like that”. Write an actual character for your antagonist.

[astroyongie]

Stray Kids April Reading 2024

note: please take my words with a grain of salt

Bangchan

Love: It does look like Chan was able to get closer to his crush and that things have been developing so far, however there’s still a lot of miscommunication and not enough emotional connection between the two. Chan might be trying too hard as well, and not listening to his crush's need before engaging themselves in a possible relationship. it feels like his crush isn't in a relationship anymore and be might the reason why 

Career: there’s a lot happening in their career, either the preparation of new music, preparations for new tours, ect that is putting Chan in a more complicated position because he lacks some foresight in some situations. he has been having a hard time adjusting to everything that has been happening on his life. he also wants to stay o the same path instead of trying new things like some members have been asking for 

Self: he is doing okay, both physically and mentally. he has been working  a lot on his inner self and on his self worth and trust. At the moment he believes that he is able to conquer anything and despite these initial fears. Chan has also been turning more into faith when it comes to managing his fears of the unknown 

Minho

Love: Boy is frustrated as hell. I believe that he is still in a  relationship with their partner but that things haven't been the same since september. they haven't seen each other much outside of their work which also makes things complicated (due to the lack of time). His partner is also putting a lot of red light on Minho’s actions, which makes him hasty in a sense. there’s high chances the relationship won't work 

Career: at least in his work space things have been doing well and more healthy. Minho has been helping his teammates a lot and he has finally found a healthy way to cope with everything while being productive. he is also happy with how things are turning out of the group. he got especially close to the younger members 

Self: I still believe that he suffers a lot with his mental health (and his relationship also doesn't help him at all). he is in a vulnerable position emotionally and he gets easily overwhelmed and sensitive. there’s way too much grief he needs to work on 

Changbin

Love: single as always, not looking for any relationship at the moment changbin is already battling against his own mind and his own self. He was however a lot of inner turmoils because it feel like he does have a crush on someone but he isn't exploiting it because he understands that he isn't on a good place to engage relationships 

Career: Things are complicated as well. I don't think Changbin has been having the best relationships with his teammates but also with the people he has been working with. That is because his relationships are usually filled with jealousy and sabotaging from other people and it has impacted a lot on his capacity of trusting people around him. I believe at the moment, the environment he is in and the career itself is the most toxic place for Changbin to be which is really sad

Self: without any surprise, hsi mental health hasn't improved. I sense some depressive energy around him, but also more of dark energy and thoughts surrounding him this probably linked to his work , his self worth and an overall burnout). JYP should pay more attention to him and allow him to rest

Hyunjin

Love: Okay so lmao this is a huge thing but take it LIGHTLY!. It does seem like Hyunjin and his crush have finally parted ways. To prove his point hyunjin is currently seeing someone else (it looks like this person is an idol as well) and they have been trying to get something out of here. now in my opinion, he doesn't have feelings for this person but that is probably trying to move in by using this person while also showing his crush that “he doesn't need them”

Career: career wise things seem to be going well for him. one a first instance his relationship with the members seem to be going well and also his sponsor has been also to get him another exclusive contract (so there’s chances to see Hyunjin from April-June to travel somewhere for his endorsement or for some type of public appearance). he getting the bag and the connections 

Self: Despite all of it, I think Hyunjin is also in a dark place at the moment. Firstly because he is trying to portray himself as someone he isn't and also because he is using his wealth to protect himself and to create an image that doesn't suit him. but he is hungry for change in his life which is making him take reckless decisions 

Han

Love: the relationship he had in September is finished now. things didn't work well and the co dependency was becoming toxic and his partner took the decision to call it quits. however Han is upset about it and isnt accepting the break up very well (he probably still is in denial about the whole thing as well)

Career: he has been feeling lonely lately. there’s a chance that Hna has been self isolating himself from the members and also has been procrastinating when it comes to work (like for example husband been writing his music or hasn't been contributing a lot artistically speaking) because he just isn't feeling the spark on it lately

Self: Emotionally there’s a lot happening and i think that Han needs to work on his emotions and also let go of things that isn't serving well (and in this same case, accepting that his relationship wasn't going to work no matter what he did). he is probably very dispirited and struggling to push forward 

Felix

Love: Listen y’all.. this guy is also in a very new relationship that started very recently. I have no idea who the person is and how the relationship is going exactly because I didn't get much information. All I can say is that Felix seems to have switched his whole personality (this person isn't the type of person i ever thought he would go for) so I wonder if this is an experiment or if in contrary there are really feelings here.

Career: He hasn’t been talking much with his members either, and has kept an introverted self around them mostly because there’s some members he doesn't want to talk with (cough cough). in any case i believe that he is overwhelmed and way too overwork to actually focus on things properly 

Self: Everything that he has been speaking on social media is a simple side of his idol image. It does seem like Felix is refuging in his idol image because it's the only thing that has been protecting him from the reality of his life. his self expression feels pushy and fake and i wonder if his love life, his whale drastic change is due to something hat has happened this last weeks

Seungmin

Love: Seungmin is still dating the same person however it does seem that lately he has been rather moody about his love life. that mostly because he has a sense of extreme jealousy toward his partner and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Instead of communicating he has been lashing out and just is unrealistic with his own thoughts. there’s the need of him to come down from his delusions 

Career: There has been a conflict between him and another member (I couldn't figure out who) which has provoked some tension in the group. although the problem as been fixed by the management team, Seungmin still holds a few grudges that he hasn't processed 

Self: Other than that, he is doing okay emotionally and physically. he is happy with the life he has and despite the stuff that sometimes happen he is able to regulate his emotions well. he just needs sometimes, a little time to figure it out 

IN

Love: still single and still enjoying his life as a boy of his age. Jeongin isn't interested in anyone, he has a lot of flings opportunities and people around him love him easily. honestly he is just a young boy who is living a life of a person single of his age which is actually healthy 

Career: Boyis thriving on his career, he has the good people around him and he has also a good relationship with everyone he works with. his sponsor is also doing wonders when it comes to Joenging’s lifestyle which is a good thing. he is overall happy with his career life 

Self: He has been doubting a little about the honesty of some people around him but he tries to hide it. I think Jeongin is also going through some sensitive stuff and things that make him a little more immature and emotional but this is also linked to his young age and lack of experiences.

[impossiblesuitcase]

Levana has two core tenets that drive her entire personal philosophy, both actively damaging and sustaining her: her need to be beautiful and her need to be loved. They are irrevocably intertwined and are ultimately her undoing.

Two people in her life dictate these notions--Channary and Evret. Channary implanted the desire to be loved and the necessity to be beautiful once Levana is disfigured. Without any willing participation from Evret, Levana carries over these insecurities, needing to be loved by him when Channary fails her and needing to keep up her glamour to feel beautiful. If Solstice is the only woman he can see as beautiful, that's what Levana must become. She sabotages her relationship with him after she shows him her true appearance; she refuses to be loved for her true self, and once he sees it, he must be disposed of. Evret lives on in Winter, who reinforces that Levana cannot ever control them as she wears her three uniform scars with pride.

With the death of these two motivators, she feels free of the burden of needing them. But the demand to be beautiful and loved is indefatigable, so she replaces them with an unearthly, ethereal glamour in her quest for vanity, and the contrived love from her citizens to feel wanted. These are both fundamentally artificial and never satisfy her, so she must always strive for more. Her body, face, voice 'improve' countless times over decades, as she is never sure that they are perfect enough. Her armies become fiercer, her inventory larger, and she sets her sights on the largest territory to conquer--Earth--all in the name of supplying her people to buy their love. Levana could have at any point abandoned her course of tyranny and used her circumstances to reform herself and her country's systemic disparity. She chooses every day to reject these opportunities and each action deepens her need to maintain the façade of love and looks. She is to be pitied, but not to be pardoned.

In order for Levana to be defeated as a villain, she must not only die, but must have her philosophy completely overturned. Kai takes the place of Evret and she replays her manipulation in the same way on their wedding day. But when she marries Kai, glamouring as his lover as she did to Evret, he dismantles her beauty, stating that she will never be as beautiful as the glamourless Linh Cinder. This directly mirrors Evret's loyalty to Solstice and it hurts Levana--not because she loves Kai in any way like she loved Evret--but because the message lives on in him. She is always inadequate.

Her glamour and her loyalties fall in one fell swoop. Her people come to her door to kill her, and her true face is blown up in the sky, permanently tainting her image. With her vanity blighted, all that's left is the fundamental nucleus of her problems: her relationship with Channary. It is the chief relationship in her life, even posthumously, and is the very cause of her perverted worldview. Levana never killed Channary and that is her greatest regret.

When Cinder arrives--Channary's near reincarnation in appearance--Levana has her second chance. It is particularly imperative to her to eliminate Selene because Levana was never loved by Channary, while Selene was. Her existence is a mockery of Levana's pain because it clarifies that Channary was capable of love and actively withheld it from Levana. However when Levana burnt Cinder alive, she levelled the playing field. She assigned Cinder a life of enduring the same prejudice and inadequacy that she faced. Therefore in their final battle, Levana likens Cinder to herself and her need to be desired. By killing Selene, she will finally prove that she has killed her need to be loved by Channary.

To do this, she sets up the perfect replica for this prophetic revenge. Cinder's friend will betray her as Channary did Levana, and Cinder will retaliate as Levana herself wished to do. It is particularly powerful that it is not Kai in the room at this final battle. Romantic love is irrelevant now. Instead it is Thorne, whom Cinder loves as family. Their almost sibling-like dynamic is now reflective of Channary and Levana. Levana asserts that this kind of love is false. But Cinder and Thorne demonstrate their loyalty to one another--even when Thorne is manipulated to hurt her, Cinder attacks Levana, not him. He proves his love in his sobs and apologies as his body rebels. Levana's final desire, to prove that love is merely a conquest and a war, is dashed.

In the end, Levana stabs Cinder, but it doesn't matter. Her worldview is shattered, her tenuous beliefs severed. That is where Levana is defeated. The final shot that kills her is simply to finalise the matter. Her tenets die with her and can be replaced with the true forms of beauty and love. Cinder and Winter, disfigured and scarred and unashamed. Kai, who loves Cinder and loves her appearance because she gave him good reason to, and never through manipulation. Cinder, who attains loyalty from the citizens of Luna and Earth alike through her action and compassion.

Love is not conquered, love is not a war; it is earned.

[honeym4rk]

skinship - kisses

in a relationship where your boyfriend finds physical affection rather awkward, you’d best believe it would’ve taken some time for him to warm up to the idea of skinship- skin to skin, a hand on his, cheeks crashing together as close as possible. but the patience comes at a good cost- mark has several ways to close the distance between you.

previous (lightswitch)

summary: it shouldn't be this hard to go about kissing mark.

-

something you never expected at the start of your relationship was mark’s initial hesitance to kiss you.

of course, naturally, it takes some time for two people to cross their own boundaries of comfort, to enter, invade, and conquer another’s territory of personal space. some people forego this careful caution in a budding relationship, and dive right into one another. neither you or mark are some people. 

and it’s not that you think mark is particularly bold: you know he isn’t very upfront and confident in expressing his feelings for you. you’ve known this from the very start, when his friends had to literally push him to ask you out, and the very awkward first conversation you had. you know he can get a bit shy, but part of you always thought, that every now and then, he’d have bursts of the courage that he has when he’s on stage. mark can definitely be suave, and cool, and charming, but mostly when he’s in his element and knows exactly what he’s doing.

right now, in this moment, he has no idea what he’s doing.

the credits of the Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle are starting to roll, and you’re stuck frozen in the burrow you’ve made in the fold of the sofa, head resting on his shoulder as his arm is wrapped loosely around your side. it’s been holding you like this since the halfway point of the movie- you didn’t notice, but he let out a sigh of relief and satisfaction when he succeeded in placing it there. he stretched, arms going as high as they possibly could, before his limb wandered and found its way pulling you closer to him. cliche, he knows, but a win for him nonetheless. he had to hold back his grin when you leaned into his body.

at first, you could feel his fingers ghosting the frayed threads of your jean shorts, like his wrist was stiff and his hand was afraid to open up so his palm would make full contact with the skin of your thigh. but as the movie progressed, and he constantly broke into his cute, little, hearty giggle that somehow sent his entire body into motion, his hand started to ease, fingers drumming on your supple skin, drawing circles on it, accidentally hitting it when he laughs a bit too hard.

he gulps, and breathes, “wow, that movie was not as bad as i thought it was.”

“yeah, it was pretty good.” neither of you make an effort to move out of the position. a slight shift could mean this rare moment of comforting proximity that you waited so long for would vanish in an instant, like a bubble popping after floating around in glee. so you force your head to continue facing the screen, eyes boring into the tiny, white words that are scrolling away. 

before you know it, even the credits have finally come to a close, and your eyes are fixated on the next netflix recommendation, Jumanji: The Next Level that’s about to play in 5, 4, 3, 2, 

your head snaps up to turn, still balanced on the ball of his shoulder. when you face him, you’re staring right at him. he does that stupidly attractive thing where he turns his head towards you before his eyes land on yours, and your eyes are now locked on his. you bite your lip to ease just a little bit of your restlessness, and this movement causes his eyes to dart to your lips for just a split second. 

he gulps again.

screw it, you’re gonna have to say something.

“are you gonna kiss me?” oh my god. not that. stupid, stupid, self-sabotage.

his hand flies away from your leg, retreating back to him so he can make huge, sporadic gestures that speak for his panic and awkwardness.

“uhhh, i-” his hand is rubbing at his nose, and though it’s dark and his head is turned away from you once again, the light from the television lets you see the pink tint that begins to dust his cheeks. “i mean, if you, if you, um, want me to,”

you don’t know why you find this so cute- you literally felt just as awkward as he does a second ago, but seeing him freak out somehow fortifies you to prod at him a little more. besides, you realise that if you don’t make a move now, after at least a month and a half of going out with him, mark’s probably never going to. 

your face scrunches up into a chuckle and you don’t take your eyes off him- “well, do you want to?”

“i mean, i-i totally do want to,” his hand is on his chest, and it comes down as he points at you with his thumb, “i’m just really scared that you- don’t? i don’t know,” mark leans forward from the couch to run his fingers through his hair, and you tug at his shirt sleeve multiple times to pull him back.

“i do, mark, i really do.”

“um, okay! great. cool,” he squeaks out, and his movements to almost close the gap between your faces are so mechanic, and panic settles onto his mind and his features, “oh, but i, uh, sorry if i’m a bad kisser or anything, i don’t really get much uh, practice in this, haha.”

you have to turn your face away to hold back a giggle at this cute, shy mess of a boy, before you finally compose yourself, and let one hand gently cup the side of his jaw, and reassuring, “it’s fine. sorry if i’m no good either.”

you smile, and plant the briefest kiss on the corner of his mouth. then you let go. 

“now, how was that?” 

“t-that wasn’t even a kiss!” 

“really?” you laugh, bringing your legs up onto the couch to kneel and face him completely. this time, you hold both of his cheeks in both of your hands before closing your eyes and pressing your lips on his, for a while longer now, and you’re just about to pull away when you feel fingertips ghosting up your jaw, and feel him tilt his head so that his mouth fits perfectly in the crevices of yours. 

“what about now?”

“better.”

he shifts his body to fully face you too, and your mouths meld together just a few more times, and the feeling of his fingers gripping at you, lips chasing after yours, drowns out the background noise of kevin hart bickering with dwayne johnson. you’re melted into this moment, and you don’t want it to end.

-

another thing you never really expected from mark was- well, his fear of sudden pecks, those that catch him off-guard, those that come when he least expects them to. they don’t give him any time to react, or prepare, or take a breath so he doesn’t combust when your lips touch his skin.

you’ve made out a few times with him so far in the couple of times you’ve seen him since that very night, and so you thought that he’d appreciate the quick, little kisses, but you probably shouldn’t have assumed.

he’s getting ready to leave your apartment after another movie night, and just before he walks out the door, he hugs you goodbye, and before he can pull back, you sneak a kiss on the tiny corner of his mouth that’s turned up into a smile. or at least, you try to.

he flings himself out of your grasp, head jerking back so fast and hard that you almost tumble into him from the momentum, and both of you stare in complete shock at one another.

“oh, ummm, sorrysorrysorry, haha, awwwkwaaaard!” your hands fly to the air in surrender as if you’ve been caught red-handed, and your feet take slow, tiny steps away from him.

“that’s my bad, oh my god i’m sorry,” your words are drowned out by his, and every cell in you is cringing from embarrassment and from worry and fear that you’ve done something wrong, something you shouldn't have done, did you go too far? are you stupid for thinking that would be okay?

“sorry, i, uh, i think it’s like, muscle memory to move away because haechan and the guys, well, mostly haechan, always tries to do that kinda thing. i-it’s not you! i swear! you’re great! haechan, not so, you know what i mean? like i wanna kiss you too but in that moment my body prepared for fight or flight, you know? oh my god i’m so sorry.” he’s doing that thing with his gestures again, frantically waving his hands to ensure you visually comprehend that it’s not your fault.

this revelation comes like a knife slicing through the tension that once was, and you hide your face behind your hands in relief, giggling at the stark weirdness of it all, but you also can’t shake off the tinge of sadness from the rejection. it wasn’t directed towards you, you know, but you just can’t help but feel a little taken aback by what happened. 

he grabs your wrists, pulling you towards him, and encouraging you to try again.

“okay, go on. i’m ready now. sorry. just not used to this.” his cheeks are a deep shade of red, and his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

you’re smiling throughout the entire, brief, kiss goodbye.

nearly six months have passed, and you try to give him a peck every now and then, just to see if he still retracts in fear, and you can see him tense up every time you try. 

so you stop. 

the last time you’d tried was right before he left for tour, and in your endless contemplation of your relationship (you had way too much time on your hands not to fall down the rabbit hole of thinking), you come to the conclusion that maybe it’s just something you don’t have to do to mark. with mark, for mark. besides, there are other ways to express your love for him anyways- he doesn’t cringe when you run your fingers through his hair, or when you wrap your arms around him in a bear hug from behind. probably because he doesn’t mind when his friends do it too. and it’s not like you can’t kiss him entirely, you just have to make sure he’s fully aware of the sparks that are about to fly when your lips touch, instead of the little zaps of static that come when he least expects them to, the ones that he shies away from.

-

it’s been a week since he’s returned. a week since your suffering has finally come to an end, a week since the longing that filled your entire being to the brim finally drained out when your body collided into his when you embraced after what felt like an eternity. it took everything in you not to jump at him when you saw him at your door, so instead of fighting against your growing excitement, you run straight into his arms, hopping as his hands link together to prop you up. 

it’s hard not to tear up- the sight of mark in the flesh is overwhelming and sensational and you’re burying your face into his neck, hands playing with the hair at his nape. what used to be short, clipped ends that pricked at your fingers have now grown into something like a mullet- you remember when you saw photos of him online the other day and started crying because it was a reminder of just how much time was passing without him around. you’re crying, now, too, and mark starts to giggle you can hear just how tired he is from the grogginess of his voice- “aw, babe, are you crying?” 

“no.” he tries to nudge at you so you can pull your head back, but you stick to him like a koala wrapped around a tree until he lets go of your legs and tries to tickle you.

“awwwww, nooo! you’re making me want to cry too!” he whines, and you wipe your tears away on the sleeve of your sweater before finally looking up at his face through your glossy eyes. his face has changed, too. his eyebags are puffy, his cheeks are sunken in the slightest bit, and his jawline is more prominent than you remember it to be. his face feels just a little smaller in your hands when you hold him, and you’re staring, wondering if it’s been so long that you’ve simply forgotten the tactile sense of touching him, feeling him.

before this can spur any more tears from escaping, you’re sent into overdrive, since he crashes his lips into yours. the initial shock flickers out and you take in the jolts of electricity coming at you, the storm of repressed zeal and yearning unleashing between the two of you. it’s been so long and yet you can still remember how mark kisses- when he turns his head to nip at more of you, his arms link around your shoulders, and then the next time one hand cups your face, his thumb trailing up and down your jaw, and eventually his mouth strays away from yours, and he plants kisses all over your face, trailing down to your neck, and then… he doesn’t have to tell you he missed you for you to know.

you’ve seen him almost everyday since he’s come back- he likes to come over just to catch up on sleep in your room as you study. just so you can spend a little more time in your day with one another. there have been more cuddles, more back massages (you even gave him one this time), more sitting in his lap, and he even tries to pick up the skill of braiding your hair. so far, you’ve stuck to your resolution of not stealing pecks out of the blue- so the only thing there isn’t more of is kisses. it’s good, you think- you let him initiate and then you return, so you’re sure you don’t have to take him by surprise.

tonight, you’re in the middle of submitting an assignment, when you hear your phone ping from across the room. then it pings, again and again, in succession, and you’re about to go over and read the messages before it blows up into a full phone-call, the marimba ringtone blaring through the speakers. 

it’s johnny, and in the split second before you answer the phone, you can only assume the worst has happened- you know mark’s with him, they had a company dinner to celebrate the end of their tour- what, did he get into an accident? did he pass out? did he-

“hello? y/n?” there’s a sense of urgency in his voice, and the curiosity is really starting to eat you alive.

“hey, john, what’s up? is everything okay?” you hear a groan in the background, and it turns into a long, howl-like wail that subsides into sob.

“yeah, uh, not really. you heard that? that’s uh, it’s mark. i think he’s had too much to drink, and it’s not like he’s never gotten drunk before, he’s definitely had more before, but i’ve never seen him this, uh-”

“is that y/n?!” you can hear mark hiccup, “y/n! baaaaaaby babe y/n!” he’s still crying, and you’re so worried. mark hasn’t really expressed much sadness ever since he returned, and most of the time he’s very frank with his emotions- so if he was ever sad about anything, you’d think you would’ve heard about it by now.

you can hear someone else shushing him, and johnny continues- “i think he really wants to see you right now, so can we just drop him off at yours? you can just text me your address, i don’t think he’s in a state of mind to give directions right now.” the sobbing is still ongoing, albeit a tiny bit more muted than it was before.

“um, yeah. of course. i’ll send it to you. is.. is he alright? what happened?” 

“well, i’m not very sure, actually. he was fine at the start, and then started to get all giggly like he normally does when he’s had a few glasses, and then he had a tiny bit more, and got all sappy. and now we’re uh, we’re here. he does keep mentioning that he misses you, though. which i don’t get- since i’m pretty sure he spent the entire week with you, so….”

“right….okay. thanks johnny. has he like, thrown up or anything?”

“uhh, nope. don’t think so. hopefully he doesn’t. or hopefully he does. he’ll probably feel better after.” 

“yeah. you can call me when you get here, i’ll buzz you in. see you!” 

you hang up, and are left alone only with the many questions you have, and wow, you’ve never felt more nervous in your entire life. not when you did that interview for a scholarship, or when you had your finals, or when you drove for the first time. this imminent fear is much more terrifying- especially because you were under the presumption that you knew exactly what was happening. in everything else you feared the unknown, the uncertainty of it all, but this, you feel like you were supposed to know- you thought there was nothing between you and mark, thought he was just as transparent as you had been with him.

this week had been complete bliss for you, having him in close proximity again. you’re treasuring every moment with him much more now, holding everything right to your heart, actively storing every scene of him in your hippocampus for later viewing. what could’ve gone wrong? was that not enough? what’s changed? you can only wander around your apartment as your mind runs wild. is he stressed? is this some cathartic release? does he suddenly hate what he’s doing? 

the wait is painfully long- almost making the four months without mark cease to nothing, and you try everything not to think about him. you submit the assignment, you try to beat your record on minesweeper, you watch a couple of youtube videos but lose interest, and text a close friend for emotional support. before the soul-crushing impatience can actually kill you, you hear the ringing on your intercom, and you’ve never pressed the accept button so fast. 

you don’t even wait for them to ring your doorbell. that would just cause more delay. you open the door right away, and peek outside, and the lift doors burst open and mark’s whines reverberates along the tight corridor. johnny’s carrying him piggyback, and the sight of him like this makes you so, incredibly sad- it pulls at your heartstrings and you feel suffocated by the tightening hold that it has on you. if he wasn’t so upset, maybe you would’ve laughed at how cute and snug he looks stuck onto johnny’s back.

mark’s face morphs into a giddy smile when he sees you, letting out a garbled call for you, and you greet johnny as he slips his shoes off to carry him into the living room and plop him onto the couch. you begin to untie his shoe-laces so you can get his shoes off, and you sigh, “thanks so much for your help johnny. do you need anything? need a glass of water… or?” 

“no, i’m good. taeil’s waiting downstairs, anyway.” 

you walk him to the door with mark’s shoes, placing them right at the entrance. “right. well, um, thanks again! hope you guys get back safe. i’ll see you around.” 

“yup, see you. hope he’ll be okay.”

the door is shut, and you can finally focus all your attention on the boy that’s caused you so much concern in the past thirty minutes. you sit right by his head on the couch, and when you try to get rid of the denim jacket he’s wearing, he stirs.

“baaabe?”

“hey, markie. what’s got you all upset?” you kneel on the floor so you can slip the jacket right off of him, and his swollen, tear-filled eyes are following you as you move. when you get close enough, you’re taken aback because he smooches you, missing your lips completely, and the sweet, gentle kiss lands on your chin. 

it’s the first time he’s ever done that- first time he’s ever gone in for a kiss without you looking- and you have to sit and blink to try and figure out if you’re imagining things.

his hand reaches out for you, lips still puckered as he tries again and again to kiss you anywhere on your face, and as intriguing as it is, it’s more concerning since it’s mark. your mark- the one that didn’t really seem to like it when you did this, the one who pretty much repelled away from any of the sudden pecks you gave him. 

you sweep his hair to the side, and before you can even try asking again, his hand falls limp, and he drawls, “you don’t wanna ki-kiss me anymore.” tears are starting to well in his eyes again, and you have to force yourself not to give up on how confusing this entire situation is.

“what? babe, who told you that?” you’re chuckling, but trying not to, because he’s literally about to cry ohmygodwhat. 

“yoooooou,” he whines, “you haven’t kissed me since i, i got back!”

you brush a tiny droplet from his eye with the pad of your thumb, and then go back to stroking his hair. you try not to show your incredulity, but it’s a little hard when you have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. “but i have! we even kissed yesterday, mark! remember?” 

“yeaaah we kissed! but i kissed you.” he’s so funny- even as his eyes are closed and he faces the ceiling, he still has to point at himself and then at you when he says this, and then he pauses and continues, “you haven’t tried to kiss me since i left. like, reeeaaally tried. and i can’t figure out whhhhhy.” 

oh. what? 

“well, markie, right now i don’t really wanna kiss you since you’re kinda stinky,” you try to joke, but his eyes shut even tighter and he’s about to burst into tears again, “noooooo! i’ll go brush my teeth-”

“but didn’t you say you’re not used to it? i didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable. you didn’t seem to like it very much.”

“but i diiiiiid! i missed you so much when i was away,” a hiccup. “and then i felt so sad,” another hiccup. “because i remembered how sad you got the first time,” and another hiccup. “and then when i got back i was soooo excited for you to do it, so i could do it back to you, and you never did.” his mouth turns into a pout, and his nose sniffles.

this is what he was upset about? no way. there is no way he got so sad because you decided not to kiss him out of the blue anymore. it makes your heart swell in confusion- because, what the hell, mark is just, for the lack of a better word, so darn cute. you can’t believe that this, out of everything you could’ve had a miscommunication about, is what he was hiding from you. 

“awwww, i’m sorry babe. i really thought you didn’t want me to.” you coo, and lean in closer to press your lips to his forehead. “look! i’ll give you sooo many right now!” you kiss him all over his face, and the corners of his mouth turn up into a smile, and he starts to giggle, complaining that it tickles. 

“but why didn’t you tell me? i would’ve done it if you’d asked.” you begin to trace your finger all over his features, stopping at his nose to boop at it. 

he heaves out a sigh, and you can tell he is a mere minute away from dozing off to sleep with how slowly he speaks, “i dunno, it just seemed silly to tell you. but this, it’s probably even sillier.” 

you pinch at his nose. “yeah, i’m glad you know, mark.” 

you know you once said that a small peck on the lips didn’t mean much to you, but right now, it’s your favourite way of showing him you care. just the thought of both of you unknowingly reciprocating the exact same yearning for each other is so amusing, and it gives you butterflies to know just how similar you are to one another. it’s more than simple skin on skin- it’s when two lines, so parallel and alike, tend towards one another and meet in an oblique. and though these lines have to part afterwards, they curve, bend, and loop to find their way back. you’ve never believed in infinity- it’s stupid to think that anyone or anything is completely limitless- but in this moment you can only wish for your lines to join and travel endlessly.

when you return with a face towel to wipe his dried tears and snot away, you give him your sweetest, last kiss goodnight.

-

a/n: ahhhhh lol sorry for taking a while for this update (if anyone's been waiting hahahah) i was busy with exams and decided to finally take a break to finish writing this! i've started to realise that every time i start writing i feel so accomplished, and then by the time i get to the end i just feel like the end product is disappointing aaghdaghag lol

[angel-and-serpent]

That Kiss scene

Since none of us will be able to get that scene out of our heads until season 3 is released, here's something to think about.

Aziraphale and Crowley will always complement each other's natures and actions, no matter what. They're the perfect counterpart in all situations, including moments of self-sabotage, unfortunately.

So when Crowley planted that kiss on Aziraphale, it was the parallel of Aziraphale taking off his halo.

Both were trying to protect innocent parties from danger that they inadvertently brought down upon themselves.

Aziraphale was trying to protect Nina & Maggie, after she accidentally invited the demons to come over the boundary. She had good intentions, and wanted to look brave in front of her potential love interest, but had no idea of the disaster she'd caused until it was too late. With no other moves left, Aziraphale had no choice left but to reluctantly use his precious books reveal his halo in order to eliminate the threat against them. By doing so, he made an open declaration of war upon Hell, and invoked the Wrath of The Powers that Be, both from above and below. Just as Maggie hadn't intended to summon the demons into the bookshop, Aziraphale hadn't meant to draw them in, either. It was the only ace left up his sleeve, and we've all seen how well he practices magic.

Likewise, Crowley had also revealed himself to be a (once) powerful angel to others, under equal duress. First Hell thought they had the right to invade the bookshop, now Heaven thought they had the right to invade their new lives. They were an open threat to Their Side, and had wormed their way through to Aziraphale, appealing to his benevolence. One thing Crowley knows, is that sometimes the most difficult thing that he has to save Aziraphale from is Aziraphale himself. The offer from the Metatron is a classic case of Divide & Conquer, and he managed to do just that by swaying Aziraphale into returning to Heaven with a promotion, no less. What else could Crowley do? Therefore, by him giving Aziraphale that kiss, and revealing his feelings for him - something he'd also kept hidden in plain sight for a millenia - Crowley, declared war on Heaven in return.

Such a pity that Aziraphale didn't see it that way...

But I have the utmost faith in these silly sods to work things out and get back together. Not just out of fan service, or even out of plot formula (this is the Bandstand all over again, folks). No, it's because of the undeniable chemistry and deeper loyalty that they have to one another. Aziraphale has made a deal with the Devil Metatron, but his intentions were hardly self-centred. The kiss that Crowley gave him was not a last hurrah, but a last ditch effort of assurance. Both of them wants to protect the other out of love, even if it means subjecting themselves through pain and humiliation. Even at the very end, as heartbroken and betrayed as Crowley felt, he still let Aziraphale walk away to do as he wished, despite not agreeing with his reasoning. Aziraphale did the same in return, with both probably still determined to continue protecting the other, albeit from afar. Is there any greater show of love than such selflessness? They're still in love, even if the big daft babies don't know how to put their Big Feelings into words (or dance) yet.

[taylortruther]

I know ttpd (the song) is pretty clearly a MH song but I do see some similarities to renegade and wondered if anyone else felt them too. Particularly the lines

"but you're in self sabotage mode/throwing spikes down on the road/but I've seen this episode before and still loved the show"

and

"but you awaken with dread/pounding nails in your head/but I've read this one where you come undone"

And for me, it's almost like this song is about MH but right here she's comparing how he is to how it was with Joe - "i've seen this before but I still loved the person. I've read it before but this time it can work"

idk it's giving me very oven to microwave and I feel that so many of the songs are mixed like that

it's giving "i think i've seen this film before, but i didn't like the ending" or "if the hero died then what's the movie for?" and "this is why they shouldn't kill off the main guy" and "tried to change the ending, peter losing wendy."

i see the connection, in that they describe moments where she is trying to love someone through their worst.

they differ because to me, ttpd sounds like the willful denial you employ when you enter a relationship against your better judgment lmao. like, that song reads to me (and would, even without context) as a sweet moment in a relationship with deep pains she's covering up with the power of love: you wake with dread, you're coming undone, you self-sabotage, you're trying to romanticize this thing that you shouldn't, we're in a messy whirlwind, i wonder if you're going to screw this up, we're clinging to it with our fingernails, we're crazy, you're making these gigantic promises, you're tortured, but who else gets you like me, babe?

LIKE!!! lmao and it's a feeling taylor has described many times (hoax comes to mind, but so does much of her earlier discography), and harkens back to what i said a few days ago about how straight women are conditioned to believe love means pain, sacrificing yourself and your needs, love conquers all, etc.

without knowing anything about her life, i would say the songwriter sounds like someone who's fallen for that, hook line and sinker. songs like the archer, peace, etc. speak to some growth, though, and the progression of ttpd the album show her trying harder to unlearn it.

[lotusmi]

He who will not live by love must be subdued by fear

📚PART 3: He who will not live by love must be subdued by fear

read more of my summaries | full post on reddit ⬸ [go to PART 2, "Let go of control, and control Self" ]

You can remove ALL your fears if you do what you want in your mind.

"He who will not live by love must be subdued by fear."

This is absolutely true. If you are not doing what you LOVE, you MUST be subdued by FEAR. Fear will eventually, even if it is slow, conquer you, if and only if you are not filling your mind with what you love. If you do not choose LOVE, you must be subdued by fear.

The first manifestation of fear is within the body. The body becomes afraid, the gut tightens and the muscles tense. Breathing becomes shallow and frustrations start to form. These irritations then come back to the mind and the mind naturally starts to think of things it dislikes. Fear bears fruit of guilt, paranoia, uneasiness, sabotage, rage etc. But the ROOT is FEAR.

So the goal is to NOT change each and every fearful thought. It is not to argue and contemplate on the fear. However, doing that is not in itself harmful, but it is more of a detour. To get to the true heart of the issue, we must REMOVE FEAR ENTIRELY.

The ONLY reason you are even thinking fearful things is because you FEEL fear. If you did not feel fear, you would not ever think fearful things.

"how does one overcome their fears?"

It is by understanding the fears are within us. They are not in the world but within. And [when] you remove the outer-world, you will start to feel a sense of power within.

NEVER BLAME YOURSELF FOR FEARFUL THOUGHTS. Never blame, only resolve them within. You have the power to resolve to what you want. Don't waste that power on blaming yourself.

YOU ARE THE CREATOR. This means you are creating that fearful thought. When the fearful thought comes up, take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for it! See it as your creation! This means you are ALWAYS GREATER than what you are creating in your mind. The fearful thought is only there because you created it to be there. It has NO power of its own. It is truly all your dream. Feel the words, "I am in control, I am in control. I am the Creator here." You DO NOT have to justify why are you not feeling fear, why are you choosing to feel Love. You can just feel it and intensify it. No need to rationalize, just FEEL.

Second, when you take responsibility for that fearful thought as your creation, ask yourself this simple question, "What is it that I would LOVE to think?" From here as the Creator, you can start to go towards LOVE. LOVE is the most powerful "thing" if you will, within you. Why? Because it never fails to TRANSFORM "SELF." Fear can stagnant, but LOVE TRANSFORMS.

Why is this important?

Remember the reason we are doing this. We are NOT trying to manipulate reality or force some change upon this physical world. That will happen NATURALLY. Why? Because your world is REFLECTING SELF [!].

Since it is reflecting "SELF," then how can we transform "SELF" in the most efficient and best way possible? Through LOVE. By actually going within our minds and doing what we LOVE, having what we LOVE. This changes us at our very core.

From this new feeling of freedom and love, you will find it incredibly easy to think what you want. You will even find it harder to feel fear. This ease and love starts to become your natural State. People will start treating you in a better way. You won't even have to imagine every little thing going your way, it just will. Things you wanted months ago, start appearing in your world. Things that bothered you deeply, literally has no effect on you anymore. Why? Because you are no longer DESIRING, no longer FEARING. You are living in FULFILLMENT. Fulfillment in Love. You are actually living what you LOVE within, and this love expresses itself without.

"To repent to simply man's ability to entertain the nature of the opposite."

Can you entertain the opposite of the nature of fear? Can you entertain Love? Is that not what you want?

This whole terrible mindset (I was like this before) of "I must do SATs correctly or else. I must read this book and do these self-help actions. I must understand this perfectly. I must find the missing key to manifesting."

Don't you get it? YOU ARE THE MISSING KEY. "SELF!!" IS THE MISSING KEY! CHANGE SELF BY DOING AND HAVING WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR MIND. 

Once you do this, you will start to see how silly things are. I admire the dedication, but is that what you want to do? Do you honestly think that if you ran in the morning, you will get what you want? Or if you do SATs 5 times a day, you will get what you want?

Do you not realize you only get what you want when you give it to yourself?

"God gives man what man first gives himself."

If you do not believe me, try it. See what happens when you remove your fears for a bit.

[go to PART 4, "Inner Self Must Be Exalted" ] ⤑

[loganlermanstanaccount]

idk why people are going ham over the new chapter 😭😭

it's a direct push between the readers trust in miguel. not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship in the chances of been cheated on/hurt again.

and for miguel actually cheating, i theorise it was more spur of the moment, or during a toxic relationship or even after a traumatic even. needing to find a distraction from the pain/toxicity. being young and stupid, stubborn and spontaneous. i feel like he definitely regrets the fact now.

BUT ANYWAYS, even if my theories are wrong, miguel is a cheater in the comics anyway so like.....

I just want to make it clearr im in no way mad at the reactions!! I love it when ppl interact and eventhough I got a few nasty ones, the vast majority of ppl are being respectful - just a lot more shocked than I was expecting 😭😭

I need mig to have bright red flags so its more satisfying when he gets that redemption. He improves because someone like reader shows him he can, that he deserves love and happy things, and can achieve it through hard work and effort and the conscious will to change!! unfortunately, I'm not a love conquers all type of person. need him to work for it 🤞🤞

mig to me is a textbook self sabotager. I think he is whatever the opposite of a martyr is, like in atsv - obsessed with making the hard decisions and painting himself as the villain bc that's a reflection of his whole life. a parentified kid (abusive dad, conchata.. yeah I have some thoughts abt conchata in the og run), young teen dad - I think he has really a really skewed vision of love and intimacy.

with how the cheating actually happened, you are pretty close, anon (although I won't spoil). I think shifting focus from the fact that he cheated to why he cheated may give some of y'all a different perspective <3

[xvxnux]

` ♡ ~ message for u moment ~ `

` pic one ,

you're about to go through a very good moment in your life, a very important event or you are about to go through it. in fact it is something good and that makes you -or will do- very well. but here i see a lot of resistance or even an energy of the type "i wonder if i deserve all this?" or even "how long will this work?" and then it feels like you start to enter a cycle of self-sabotage causing good things and celebrations to come to you. you may even be controlling yourself not to enjoy this moment for fear that it will end.

advice: as advice i say, enjoy the moment and these things that are happening or are about to happen are your things, your merit, your worthiness! you will have reasons to smile, celebrate and celebrate with special people!

alert!: i tell you to be careful with arguments and conflicts, this is your moment just enjoy it and make it stay good and light.

` pic two ,

here i see that you’ve been thinking a lot about a specific situation, it’s a question that at first wasn’t worth your energy but it seems that this situation made you have many doubts and even unanswered questions in your head. you’re definitely in doubt, and here it seems to me that it could even be someone else’s opinion that hurt you and made you think too much about it. do not do! this is tiring you and leaving you without strength, in case for you it’s a matter of something they said about you and it hurt you, let it go! other people’s opinion of you is their problem.

advice: i tell you, i ask you, i beg you: destroy this thought and this feeling that hurts you so much and that makes you think and think so much! the time has come for you to continue what really matters, your plans, goals… you!

alert!: as a warning i tell you to avoid looking for approvals from other people, don’t you realize that this only makes you feel bad, needy, lost? if you are going through a relationship and you see that this person is not for you just walk away! your intuition does not deceive you and you know the truth about this person, follow your intuition!

` pic three ,

i see that there are so many good things and even things you want, a goal of yours about to be conquered. shows me that you may be planning something with other people or even you have friends with common goals and you are working on it at the moment, but it seems to me that something has made you close down and even start to distrust. if you are discouraged please don’t be. regain your strength, it is not a time for you to go into solitude. if you close yourself off to everything you plan so much, i see that it will be in vain, you will probably get in your way!

advice: i ask you to be patient and not be inconsistent, don’t throw all your effort in the trash! let go, the madman is literally asking you to go relax!!!!!!!

alert!: as a warning i tell you about not turning to the people who are on your side, they want you to get there.