#coping with tumblr in the meantime (suffering)

[cheemaws]

HYPMIC AHOGE HCS PART 1

this was made like, weeks ago but i just remembered this site existed so i hope you see my vision. also side notes, halo for the divinity motif for jakurai, the 7 being more prominent on dice for his number, a question mark for the mysterious gentaro yumeno (added wispy hair to fit more to his title) and moon motifs because. well jyushi, but its not as prominent as i expected (almost died drawing his hair)

[mollydollyjournals]

Thursday 7th January, 156lbs

I can't remember if I started writing this earlier or not...if I did I didn't finish. Anyway, I can't necessarily rely on that weight because of dehydration. But my period finally kind of started so maybe I didn't gain a massive amount after all? I don't know.

It's the end of the day now. You know the thing where you binge and you can't look at Tumblr because you're ashamed...yeah. I get hella cravings at the start of my period, and there's such massive family drama happening right now, and the news of the US, and how I live in the most infected country in the world...I lost myself. I've also been hungover. I think that's all it is, I think it's not going to develop into proper sickness. So I'm glad. But I've definitely been hungover today. And I slept worse than ever last night.

What's weird is that today after a day of binging and at the start of my period, at the end of the day, I weighed myself just now and I'm 157.2? I checked twice. I feel like I should be about 159. I feel so fucking heavy. I went to make herbal tea after that so I'm drinking that now and that might raise it a bit, but also I won't be sleeping for a while yet. So I don't really know. It's making me even more suspicious of my scales. But I think I can't really be sure until the end of my period, at a time when I haven't had alcohol or anything else that could cause fluctuations.

It implies that I'm going to be an okay weight at the end of my period. Like 153 or something. Maybe less if I magically feel able to work out. But that just seems too good to be true. I don't know.

I have some more appointments coming up to check out my liver and get a more accurate look at it. I don't know when exactly. Probably a while, given the state of the NHS and all. But hopefully I can see what's actually up with it. In the meantime I still have to try to drink as little as possible. I will definitely feel more motivated if my weight is actually going towards the lower 150s. But I'm also really stressed at everything going on. Watching the state of the US even though I don't even live there. Hearing the updates on how England is handling the pandemic (ie fucking atrociously). In maybe an hour, my mum will get home from work and see the messages between me and my dad in our group chat, where I told them my brother is relapsing. She'll be upset and call me and that'll all be something to deal with. Then there's the way that all actually plays out with my brother.

And of course, there are so many other things to stress me out. I can suffer through it up to a point. Logically I know that drinking makes things worse eventually. Just sometimes it's really too much and everything is so overwhelming and I just can't cope.

Until I saw the news yesterday, I wanted to get a 3-4 day break between all alcohol, and always keep the drinking to really small amounts. That way I could give myself a break every few days but without going overboard and maybe my body and mind would get used to it. Then all the stress happened and I drank. I want to say I'll do that 3-4 day break now...I also don't want to set myself up to fail, at a time when everything is shit and I'm more likely to feel the need. Idk.

If nothing else, I need a break from stress long enough to feel better physically, be able to work out, and maybe get to a point where I can work out to deal with stress instead of drinking. But that would take so much healing. Ugh.

Idk. Anyway I have no idea what my body is doing. I know I fucking binged like I haven't in a while. I know it's my period. I know I feel huge. I also know none of it is stable right now. Drives me out my mind not knowing. I'll just have to be patient.

[asking-jude]

I have a terrible fear of new people I meet, they scare me and I shake and want to cry and it’s hard to breath, and when I’m nervous I scratch my new and arms please help me

Hi love, 

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I can definitely understand this feeling. Doctor’s offices, among many other things, give me a lot of anxiety. I cannot give an official diagnosis, but it sounds like you are suffering from social anxiety. 

Social anxiety occurs when a person has symptoms of anxiety or fear in the presence of other people. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, some symptoms include: 

Blushing

Sweating 

Trembling

Rapid heart rate

Feeling their “mind is going blank.” 

Feeling nauseous or sick to their stomach

Show a rigid body posture

Making little eye contact

Speaking with an overly soft voice 

Finding it scary and difficult to be with other people, especially those they don’t already know and have a hard time talking to them even though they wish they could 

Being very self-conscious in front of other people and feel embarrassed and awkward 

Being very afraid that other people will judge them 

Staying away from places where there are other people 

You can learn more about social anxiety from the links below: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoiOxyEm3qI&t=3s 

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness/index.shtml 

https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-social-anxiety-disorder 

I highly suggest you talk to your loved ones about how you have been feeling and then consult a mental health professional to help give you a diagnosis and better direction of what to do next. Social anxiety is treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both. It seems like this is taking a major toll on your mental health, and consulting a therapist will help you get on the path to recovery. In the meantime, here is how you can deal with your symptoms and feelings now. 

Try alternative treatments such as yoga, deep breathing exercises, or acupuncture, all of which are known to reduce anxiety. Similarly, you can also make minor lifestyle changes such as eating a balanced diet, exercising for 30 minutes, and avoiding caffeine to decrease anxiety. 

As far as scratching your arms goes, here is a list of coping skills that have helped many people find distractions from self-injury. 

http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/documents/distraction-tech-and-alts.pdf 

Exposure therapy is often successful for people with social anxiety. Practice being social. Greet people on the streets, smile at them or even try making small talk if you’re comfortable. Taking baby steps to help you get comfortable will slowly help overcome your fear. Know that you are not alone. There are so many people who relate to your situation and are often uncomfortable with crowds. If you’re worried about what to say, remember that the other person might be doing the same thing and not thinking about judging you at all. Here is a resource where you can find peer support for everything you’ve been dealing with: 

https://18percent.org/ 

Remember, the people and the world might seem scary, but you are not alone. There are many people, including Asking Jude, who are always here to help you navigate these situations. You are strong, and you got this. 

Wishing you all the best,

 Manisha 

Asking Jude will continue to offer free peer counselling services on askingjude.org—a faster, more efficient alternative to Tumblr. Please, create your account and receive 24/7 support from the Asking Jude Team and fellow community members. Support our breathtaking transformation!

[kindar-life]

<h1>The problem with Crossing the Border (09-01-19)</h1>

The problem with Crossing the Border (09-01-19)

Or an alternate title: I have ADHD, Big Surprise Out of curiosity, anyone has border crossing stories? They don’t have to be horror stories; they can be good. I’m mainly curious how it’s been for other people. So this week could have gone great, and for one the problem wasn’t on my company’s side. We did everything right, it’s the shipper and the border who dropped the ball. So, did the delivery on Monday and as my manager is on vacation, St-Germain was the one handling it, and before they were done unloaded, I had my next assignment. a pickup, 5 hours away, for Wednesday morning. If my manager had been handling it, I wouldn’t have found out until later on Tuesday, forcing me to rush there, his justifications would be that he was looking for something better in the meantime, which is BS, since that shipper is about the only one we have in all of BC anymore. I only drove an hour, I mean, what’s the point. I’m on eastern time, so 3 hours ahead of them, and going to be a day early. Also, Hwy 3 from Hope to Grand Forks, is horrible and there is no way I want to do it in the dark. It was still dark by the time I left on Tuesday, but was light before I hit the really tight curves going up and down hills. It’s the summer, so it wasn’t as bad as it could be, and I was empty, but I’ve done them in the winter. I never look forward to driving on that road. Made it mid-morning for them, checked in, pointing out I was a day early and they said to drop it, their shunt driver would put it in a door within minutes and within a couple of hours it would be done. Which was great news for me. If I could get in the US a day early, I’d be able to take a two-day weekend. Remember that ‘IF’. The trailer is ready in three hours, but it takes another hour for me to find out because I was looking at the wrong drop lot. I decided to go in and get an update and, on the way, I saw it in the opposite drop lot. Got my papers, confirmed I was good to cross the border and headed to the Laurier crossing. I like it because it isn’t busy and the road on the US side is nice, even if it’s a 2-lane highway. No big hills, few tight curves and only a handful of towns. There is Spokane when it reaches I90, but I found a way around it. It’s a little longer, than driving through Spokane, but a lot easier. Get to the border, go inside. It’s so quiet they don’t have truck booths. I hand in the papers, the officer looked in his is system and asks. “Where’s your permit?” “I’m sorry,” I reply, “What permit?” “your permit to cross here.” Here is the thing. We’ve been crossing at this border for eight months. And we’ve never been asked for a permit. It turns out that no officer should have ever allowed us to cross there, but they weren’t doing their jobs properly. The reason we don’t have a permit is that the shipper never added us to the list of approved Carrier to cross there with their product. I did not know there was such a situation possible. So I turned around, stopped in an aside in the hopes it was an easy fix and called the shipper. Only to find out the person who deals with the border had already left for the day (it was 4pm locally, in the mood I was in, I wasn’t thinking good thing about a person who didn’t have to work until 5pm like all office workers.) I called dispatch to advise them. Drove back to the shipper to park for the night, they are only 10 minutes from the border, another reason I like crossing there. Next morning, 9am their time, noon mine, I go in and find out there’s nothing to be done about it, they can only add a carrier to their list once a year, in December. The closest crossing that is a ‘Commercial Crossing,” is in Ossoyoos, two hours west, over all those horrible hills and turns. Tell dispatch about it, get told it can’t be, we cross at Laurier all the time. I tell them, yes, but we can’t anymore, check with the shipper if you believe your driver is so determined to drive over horrible hills. By the time I bet close to Ossoyoos, I still don’t have my papers so I park at the truckstop there. Only have to wait an hour and I do. I have to drive later than I prefer but I make it to Post Falls, ID, where I like to park anytime I have to cross at that border. My 2-day weekend is gone, but I can take it easy, there’s plenty of time to get to Laredo. Or not. Friday morning my manager, the one who is on vacation, calls me to ask when I’m going to be there. I tell him something on Tuesday. I’m not concerned since it doesn’t need to be there until Friday. He starts asking why so late, it need to be there ASAP. I tell him I need to do a reset (not true, technically, but don’t tell him that) I tell him that the best I can do is be there Monday late afternoon, and he asks why? I have plenty of hours and it’s a holiday on Monday so I need to get there earlier so I can get a load. And here I need to pause. The earliest I could be there, pushing as hard as I legally can would be Sunday, and the office there is closed. If it’s closed on Monday too, what does it matter if I’m there on Monday? If there is a load there for me to pickup on Sunday, it’s still going to be there on Monday. I still don’t budge on my reset. I have stopped caring about them changing delivery times after I’ve done my pickup a long time ago. If I’m given inaccurate information, it is not my problem. He grumbles and tells me to be there Monday without fault, as if I told him I might not make it. So I had to drive a little harder but I got her on Saturday, and rested. One of the things I did while I waited for all that was get more writing done, so you get five chapters of Taking the Line, Chapters 44 to 48. If there is the usual wait time in Laredo, the last five chapters should be done next week. Chapter 16 of Blind Spot is written, and I finished book 5 of LRK’s origin story. 13 chapters. The longest one to date, I hope the longest period. So I’ve started the newest Going Home, which will explore McKannon, the industrial sector of Tiranis, as well as Eric finally making contact with one of his relatives. if you want to read all that, it's only 1$ on my Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/29632610 Another thing I did is take an ADHD test. There’s a warning about how it isn’t a medical tool, but if you score about a certain point, you really should talk to a doctor because, really, you have ADHD. And I do. I didn’t go in hoping I had it, but I strongly suspected I was somewhere on that spectrum. On the lower end, but on it none the less. There someone called ADHD Alien on Tumblr, and they post comics about how ADHD affects their daily lives and quite a few of them resonated with me, but one of the reason I never looked at the condition was that I was successful in school and the stereotype of someone with ADHD as that they aren’t good at school. Things is plenty of people with ADHD are good in school because it’s fun, there’s a lot of new things to learn and we soak up that knowledge easily, so easily most of us never have to bother studying, so we never learn how to study, and then when we hit college, of in my case the last two years of secondary school(I was in Quebec, they have their own system there) things start going badly. I was able to finish Secondary, but College was a bust. I just couldn’t figure out how to study and the concept I now had to deal with were so complex I couldn’t simply absorb them. I mean, I’m bright, but not that bright. So I dropped out, hit the work force and never regretted it. I was also lucky that my parents didn’t have expectations of me going to university and becoming a BIG SHOT™. They were surprised when I dropped out, but it was my life and they let me live it as I wanted. I love them for that. I love them for letting me screw up, then offering to help me up with a “See, that didn’t work, you might want to try something else, I can offer suggestions if you want but that’s up to you.” My mom picked up quicker than my dad that the suggestions that worked best were the kick in the ass kind of things and to then let me assimilate them and proceed. My mom told me months before I did it that I should write in the morning, that’s always been when I was at my best and I snorted, yeah right, mornings, who’s functional then? Eventually I ran out of things to try and did that. When I told my mom that she was right about it she smiled and said “I know.” But yeah, back on the ADHD thing. Learning that it was possible to succeed in school because you had ADHD and then fail for the same reason realigned my thinking. And add to that, that for the few things I can focus laser like on, like my writing, there are tons of them I am incapable of staying focus on. No matter how badly I want to learn them. So, yeah, I have ADHD. Will I seek treatment? No. for me to consider treating any condition I have, it has to either affect my ability to earn a living, or my health(and to be fair, when it comes to my health the potential down side have to be bad for me to even think about talking to a doctor about it) I can do my job without problem; I can do my writing without problems. The rest? Frankly, nothing else matter to a level I am willing to put those two at risk. I don’t Suffer from ADHD, I simply have it. I built my coping mechanism even without knowing I had something. Being Scatter brain? I either write it down, or accept that I will forget about it, and if I forget about it I accept the consequences. I don’t make myself a mess over forgetting it. I fix the problem it caused and move on. I do know now why Minecraft is such a trap for me now. It pulls at my focus by giving me things to do, always more things to do until I reached the point where I’m near panic because I can’t do all of them and I push it away. Until I’ve calmed down. But Minecraft commits the Sin of interfering with my writing by taking over that mental space. It’s why I no longer play it. It’s also why the craving is always there, but me and cravings are old friends. I have no issues staring him down. Okay, this is way longer than I expected so I’m going to pass on the movie and book review this week. You' all have fun, and come on, talk to me. Ask me questions, share your stories, it gets lonely talking to the void<chuckles> And that’s it, so I’ll see you on the next one.

Posted using PostyBirb

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

[classicwisdom]

‘Remember today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.’ - Dale Carnegie. Most of the things we worry about will never happen. Look back at the worries that kept you awake, which ones became a reality? And of the ones that did, were they as bad as you anticipated? ‘Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.’ - Marcus Aurelius. You are stronger than you realise. You can cope with reality. It’s the imagined fears we struggle with. Suffering in advance steals time from the present. ‘We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.’ - Seneca. Measure your worries of the future with your experiences from the past and present. Appreciate the strength you have now, build on it - take it with you into the future. ‘It is likely that some troubles will befall us; but it is not a present fact. How often has the unexpected happened! How often has the expected never come to pass! And even though it is ordained to be, what does it avail to run out to meet your suffering? You will suffer soon enough, when it arrives; so look forward meanwhile to better things. What shall you gain by doing this? Time. There will be many happenings meanwhile which will serve to postpone, or end, or pass on to another person, the trials which are near or even in your very presence. A fire has opened the way to flight. Men have been let down softly by a catastrophe. Sometimes the sword has been checked even at the victim’s throat. Men have survived their own executioners. Even bad fortune is fickle. Perhaps it will come, perhaps not; in the meantime, it is not. So look forward to better things.’ - Seneca. There is no need to suffer twice, first in anticipation and then again in reality. Things are never as good or as bad as we expect. #worries #today #tomorrow #yesterday #future #present #strength #reality #suffering #anticipation #good #bad #motivation #motivationalquotes #inspiration #inspirationalquotes #books #words #of #wisdom #wordsofwisdom #book #bookstagram #quotes #quotestagram #newbook #bookrecommendations https://www.instagram.com/p/CUL6bU0PdtS/?utm_medium=tumblr

[wanderingxstars]

Social Anxiety

One of the reasons I joined Tumbr in the first place was because I was experiencing  things that I didn’t understand and that no one I told in real life understood either. On Tumblr, it’s a lot easier to find relatable quotes and others who feel similar to how you feel. At the time I thought I was just shy. Time and time again I was told by teachers, friends, family, even parents of friends that I was shy and that eventually I would ‘grow out of it’, I’d ‘come out my shell,’ I’d stop being so shy and for a while I believed them.

I can’t remember the exact time where I thought ‘no hold up, something is wrong, i am not just shy,’ and I don’t think there was a specific event that triggered me off into thinking I wasn’t just shy, but I think that over time and as life became more and more about social interactions, I came to realize that how I was feeling, I didn’t want to feel anymore. 

I was fed up of always having to force myself to make conversation with people because I was too scared to actually talk to people, I was fed up with only having one-worded answers to say, I was fed up of not being able to survive a driving lesson without bursting into tears, I was fed up of my voice shaking and my heart bounding so loud you could probably hear it while I was giving a presentation, I was fed up of feeling so overly awkward and out of place and like no one liked me and that people were judging me. I was fed up of always thinking I was going to say or do the wrong thing, or embarrass myself. I was just really fed up.

At this point, I was annoyed that I thought everyone was moving on in life and becoming their own person and gaining their own independence, while I was still a nervous wreck that would probably cry if you spoke to me. I remember when my ex-boyfriend past his driving test and although I was so happy for him I was also so annoyed at myself because I couldn't even get in the car without crying. The stupid thing being I wasn’t even scared about driving a car, I was scared about my driving instructor talking to me and NO ONE understood that. At the same time I was so stressed about uni application because I was convinced uni wasn’t for me because I was too shy and wouldnt make friends and wouldnt be able to cope on my own as I was. At uni open days I mentioned to different people how I felt and a lot of them told me to go talk to my GP about it. So I booked an appointment with my GP, told her what was up and she basically said she wasn’t going to diagnose me with anything because it’s not about the label, it’s about trying to treat the person. In a way I agree with this, but how current systems work, not having a diagnosis makes some things a little difficult later on, but I’m not gonna talk about this too much.

Anyway, I was put on a 6 month waiting list and so in the meantime, I told the head of sixth form and had counselling from the school. I loved my school counselor. She was hilarious and listened to me and actually gave me so much advice and filled me with self-belief. People even started commenting on how they could see a change in me and I was so happy. I saw Lynn as more of a friend and with her advice and coping strategies I actually somehow managed to pass my driving test first time^.^ Also, one of the main things I really wanted to be able to do was to just get up and dance at a family party. Lynn encouraged me and we made it our mission to get me dancing. And I did. I had a 70th family party coming up, I put on one of my favourite outfits and suddenly I was able to dance. It sounds like such a small thing but it was something I always envied other people of being able to do so easily. oh and just to clarify, not everything happens this easily, there are still things i struggle with to this day that I have been working on for years, but I’ll discuss this more later. 

As exams approached, I decided to stop having sessions with my counselor and to focus on exams. This was my decision as my education is very important to me, but looking back, I wish I had taken more care for my mental health during exams and kept having sessions. PLEASE REMEMBER YOUR MENTAL HEALTH ALWAYS COMES FIRST.<3 

Nearer the end of exams, the 6 months were up and  I started CBT. CBT is great and I have absolutely nothing against it, for some people it 100% can work. I just really didn't get on with the woman I saw and nothing was explained properly to me. I had 7 sessions and then the woman left and I felt even worse than I did before I started the sessions. So I was left to flounder on my own over the summer holidays and then I started uni in September and I was terrified. 

Which brings us up to today. I am currently at uni and still overcoming social anxiety. I haven’t really spoken in too much detail about my experiences with anxiety in the past and although I want to and will at some point, I really want to reflect on how I am feeling right now.

When I first got to uni I had mental health appointments every week, I was getting referred to different places and so I was constantly having to talk to people about it. I found this made my anxiety worse as it was always at the front of my mind and I felt labelled. I felt like everything I did was a result of anxiety or that everything I was feeling wasn’t normal and that no one else was feeling it. In actual fact, uni is a massive change for so many people and feeling nervous to go to your first lecture, or scared about meeting people or feeling homesick are perfectly valid feelings that most people felt. I am in no way trying to disregard how for people suffering with anxiety, this all feels 100 times worse and panic attacks are a thing, but whatever emotion you are feeling is valid.  

Once I stopped having appointments, I felt like I felt better. I had one anxiety assessment and I couldnt think of any examples to tell her and I thought I was better. In reality , I just hadnt left my room or put myself in a situation that would trigger my anxiety. By living on your own at uni it becomes very easy to avoid situations you don’t want to be in and as i hadn’t made any new friends at this point I wasnt actually socialising with anyone anyway. It sounds bad, but I only realized this yesterday. Since then, I have done things that would have triggered my anxiety, I didn’t force myself to do things quickly, I just stopped saying no to so many things and started giving more things a go. 

For my own benefit, so I can look back one day, I’m going to list some examples: 1) train by myself - I first used to get the train one way, so I would either get the train home from uni and mum would bring me back or I would get the train back to uni and mum would pick me up to take me home. Now, I can get the train both ways and I am super proud. I still feel anxious if I am going somewhere new on a train, like when I went to Birmingham, or when I used mobile tickets for the first time, but I don’t avoid doing things that make me anxious anymore. 

2) Saying yes to nights out - this goes back to the dancing thing. I love a night out and I find I don’t get anxious on the night out anymore. I do get anxious beforehand and I’m not gong to lie I have rang mum in tears because I am so scared but I haven't turned down a night out and I’m learning to enjoy it and let go. 

3) This one is really strange but i would have acted so differently in the past. As part of my access statement, I am allowed to pick the group i work with during groupwork and for presentations. So I chose to be in a group with Katie for Report 3. Then when we changed groups and the tutor told me I could pick a group, instead of just saying ‘okay,’ I asked If i could stay with Katie. It sounds weird I know but I really just wanted to say okay but I really wanted to make sure it was okay if i stayed with Katie.So i am proud i asked.

4) Talking more. I find it easier to talk to family now, like I can actually hold a conversation. I find it difficult still to make friends and to talk to people that aren’t close family, or family in general. I would love to be able to talk to Katie and Alex as if I have known them my whole life and I have faith in myself that one day this day will come haha :’). 

I am still working on myself and still trying to better myself. I really want this to be taken as a little encouragement thing,to show that things can get better. Things may not be perfect and exactly how you want them to be but be proud of what you have achieved. You Got This <3 

[b8rack]

Today a young woman jumped to her death in the middle of OSU’s campus. A group of students worked to stabilize her before the emergency services could arrive, but it sounds as though there is little that anyone could do. There has been no official announcement from the university, no mass messages to students beyond some tweets by the Lantern; after a few hours they released her name, Madison Paul, and a little personal information. I doubt I’m the only one who considered looking her up on Facebook, both out of morbid curiosity and to see if we had any mutual friends, but I decided that I don’t really want to explore that. In just a couple months I will be graduating from college, and lately I have spent a lot of time reflecting on this particular time of my life. Perhaps that is the reason, when processing today’s tragic event, that my thoughts turned to the specific stresses of college: being away from your friends and family, the work, the pressure to succeed, having to take care of yourself in new ways, even just the increased understanding of the world and its troubles. I don’t want to suggest that any of these were the cause of Ms. Paul committing suicide, but I don’t want to dismiss them either. Almost everyone I know in college has had a crisis at some point that has pushed them beyond the limits of their ability to cope with stress and anxiety, including me. At the same time, it seems that many people will often either dismiss mental illness or at the other extreme say, ‘Oh, this happened because of mental illness’ and end the conversation there. I can’t help but think that, for most people that are truly unhappy, it is because of some mixture of both external and internal forces. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 8 years old, and spent about 5 years really battling it; throughout my life, there have been periods where I have fought overwhelming anxiety and depression. However, in general things have gotten better as I have gotten older, to the point that I no longer have to confront my diagnosis on a day-to-day basis; I have been lucky. Because of the personal, internalized nature of mental illness or the lack thereof, I have found it all-too-easy to assume that everyone else- the entire world, therefore- is following this same, linear track towards ‘better.’ Improvements in mental healthcare and medicine as seen over the past decades could serve to reinforce this, along with general strides in technology and our appreciation for human empathy. I have lived most of my life believing that we are heading towards a world where not only my friends suffering from mental illness will find permanent relief, but so will everyone else, and that things like suicide will someday be a thing of the past. However, considering happiness and functionality as a complex result of both mental health and external forces, suddenly this seemed to fall apart for me today, and I was struck by a profound sense of... mortality. I remember a teacher explaining that he felt the term evolutionary ‘tree’ is wrong, and that an evolutionary ‘bush’ is much more accurate, since they grow in a much more haphazard, horizontal way; furthermore, we are likely to assume that evolution is actively pursing a singular ideal and that our present state is the end-all, be-all, as opposed to just a series of random happenings acted upon by external forces. Perhaps to some extent this can be applied to all humanity; we like to think we are getting better, that we are solving all of our problems, yet perhaps we are just moving from state to state, propelled or bound by random ideas or new pressures. Things don’t get better, things change, and just sometimes that makes them better when looked at in a certain way. And sometimes, it doesn’t. I am both a problem solver and an idealist. My approach to everything that I do is to sincerely aim for perfection, while preparing to reconcile myself to not quite making it. The hope is that by doing so I will push myself- and others- harder, settle for less, and make more genuine progress. At the same time, with an end goal in mind, the tinniest baby steps are acceptable, as long as they’re clearly pointing towards the dream, and there is some chance of them stacking up. Both as a designer and a human being I spend a lot of time imagining pieces of the perfect world, and dreaming of a time when I get to live there. As a result of all of this, the possibility that the world will not get objectively better- in my lifetime, or maybe even ever- led to a sharper recognition that someday I will die more than almost anything else I have experienced. However, even after considering the world in this way, I decided that my usual methodology is still the best- for me- to take towards humanity. Even in a random, chaotic, universe, I believe it is important to keep in mind a world in which no 19-year-old has the desire to kill themselves and aim towards achieving that goal, 100%. There is a lot that goes into creating that, a hell of a lot, and yet I can’t think of any reason why it is impossible to get there. However, as much as I hate to admit it, as with everything else I, personally, will probably have to settle, someday; if I’m lucky, though, this will only happen at the exact moment when I don’t have the physical strength to continue living anymore, and that there will be others who will keep working on it. In the meantime, though, this is a moment to remind ALL of you that if you EVER have any suicidal thoughts, do not hesitate to reach out to me or to anyone else. tumblr was invented for social networking, connecting people so that they can appreciate and help each other; while this sometimes gets lost under layers of... whatever the hell all of this stuff on here is, ultimately this is what made pretty much everyone get an account in the first place. With that, I love you all; take care of yourselves, and have a good night.

[mightbedamian]

#TMIishTuesday #46 - The Trumpet - But why?

Hey there mighty people of the internet! And welcome to issue #46 of #TMIishTuesday - my weekly Tumblr post about what goes through my weird mind and what you guys want to know more about. It can be something very personal, it can be something political, it can be completely pointless - but in 99.9 % of the cases, it involves opinions. And mine as well. // Last week I talked about make-up. On girls, but more about it on guys: Society's general perception of it, some male YouTubers who look ACE with make-up, and my opinion on whether or not men should or should not wear make-up. Not telling you to read it, but… YOU SHOULD! // Disclaimer: I can't treat certain people the same as everyone else. People who just disrespect of groups of people for one, and only one, reason: Belonging to this group. And by saying this, I do exactly that, I know... And I’m still gonna do it. You know, if they were at least a little bit open-minded or didn't treat people like they're sh*t, I'd respect that. I wouldn't cheer for them, but everyone has different opinions - and that's awesome! But I won't respect people who hate on others for having one attribute that the haters don't like: Gender, sexuality, race, color of skin, this list goes on and on. Okay, so if you're not living on the Moon (and even then), you'll most definitely have noticed that the U. S. have a new president. For the reasons stated above, I will not call him by his name, but rather refer to this person as "the Trumpet". Not much of a difference anyway, right? And now you know who I'm talking about, we can start this post. Did I mention that it's about reasons why this person could even become president? Oh, I didn't? Well… Now you know! There are obviously lots of reasons why the Americans eligible to vote voted like they did. I pick three that seem most important to me.  1. The devil vs. the deep blue sea With the elections coming up one thing that I read a lot in polls and assessments of the candidates is: "I can't possibly choose between two inacceptable candidates." As expected, Democrats and Republicans had voted two extremely opposing candidates to go for president - Clinton: the impersonated establishment who still lives on her father's achievements as president and who is rather conservative for a Democrats candidate. And - the Trumpet: the impersonated American dream: business man, self-made millionaire, the exact opposite of the establishment, who bluntly told his opinions on basically everything, even when not asked about it. And I had the impression that people didn't feel that ANY of the two would be a good president. But given the American political situation, with only these two parties standing a real chance to win the election, most people did choose to distribute their votes between the devil and the deep blue sea - or simply didn't turn up to the polling stations. 2. Jobs vs. trade There is a common misconception that many Europeans might have fallen for: The Trumpet's only focus seemed to be on immigration politics. Constructing a wall at the U. S.-Mexican border and getting rid of TPP* and TTIP* trade agreements, before the latter was even signed. These seemed to be the Trumpet's only political goals. At least if you believed European media. Oh my, were we wrong! The Trumpet actually got lots of votes in the Mid West states promising people to get jobs. Of course that's part of the getting-rid-of-TPP-and-TTIP deal. But that's not what was the most important aspect of this issue. The U. S. still suffer from the global economic crisis that was sparked by the failure of the banking industry in the late 2000s. The most important promise of the Trumpet was jobs. Jobs, jobs, and more jobs. And, please correct me, if I'm wrong, dear Americans, but to me it looks like most Americans don't bother too much about what is going on in the world, if the U. S. is not involved. Am I wrong in assuming that? And to be honest, it's looked to me like that over the last few years/decades. Rather, you guys are more focussed on your own country. You know, I'm not a big fan of overly demonstrated patriotism. But it makes sense that you voted the Trumpet then: He promises to get you all into jobs again. Sure, that will work. But there'll also be massive inflation, if he basically closes down foreign trade and goes back to producing everything domestically. But people don't seem to see that. Or they ignore it. Well, if you don't see it, let me give you a quick tour, okay? The Trumpet wants to put import tariffs into place again against any country out there. Sure, most still have import tariffs - the EU certainly isn’t the norm - but over the last couple decades there has been worldwide understanding that we should thrive for lower tariffs and less trade restrictions. In 1947 32 nations signed the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT) which wanted to "reduce tariffs and other trade barriers" among the signing countries. Over the years, with globalisation hitting in more and more, more nations joined the agreement and tariffs and trade restrictions got less and less. Based on the work that had been done under the GATT framework, the World Trade Organisation (WTO) was established by 123 nations in 1995. A huge part of this hard work is at stake now that one of the biggest economies of the world threatens to leave the WTO. As I'm typing this, the Trumpet has just announced that the U. S. will not ratify TPP. A small step for a Trumpet, but a huge one for humankind. Anyway, I'm drifting off. And the effects of the U. S. leaving the WTO and other international trade policies could fill another #TMIishTuesday. Let me know, if you are interested in that! * TPP - Trans-Pacific Partnership * TTIP - Transatlatic Trade & Investment Partnership 3. Ego vs. opinions This might even be the most important factor that got him the crucial votes in the swing states* which ultimately led to the Trumpet winning the entire election. All the way during his candidacy - in the internal Rep duels as well - he has been very straightforward about basically anything he represented. He made clear his goals basically on day 1 of the Rep internal campaign and, from what I can tell, he sticked to them. All this "The U. S. don't need any foreign trade" thing, all this "I don't give a f*ck about minorities" hatred, all this "I'm the king of the world" behaviour - it was there from the very beginning. And even if Clinton didn't change her campaign too much, too - just by not letting anyone exert ANY influence on his campaign, the Trumpet really presented the "I am me, I won't change for others" attitude. When most candidates try to take on some viewpoints of the other candidates of their party to rule out competitors, he didn't do that. Cause he didn't need to. The whole "I won't change for others" thing was already bearing fruit. Many Americans are apparently still looking for a father figure to look up to. And that's EXACTLY what they got. ...Although you might argue that someone, who is as bold as the Trumpet, is not exactly a father figure… Granted, but he's definitely "the strong man" the people were looking for. And I guess the Americans just thought Obama didn't take measures drastic enough to cope with the (perceived as well as existing) problems the U. S. were faced with. * swing state = "a state that could reasonably be won be either the Democratic or Republican presidential candidate" Finally: Judging from the younger history, it just made sense that a Republican was elected president: The last three presidents all took two terms in office - and after each 8 year period a president of the other "big" party - Democrats and Republicans - was elected into office. Right, I'll leave you with that. This post turned out way more subjective than I planned to. But I never promised that. And remember how I started this post? "Disclaimer: I can't treat certain people the same as everyone else." I guess, that's exactly what's happened now. Sorry not sorry! :P Before I go, please let me know what you thought of this post and what your thoughts on the new president are. Do you hate him, do you respect him, do you like him? Place a comment, tweet me, dm me, or do anything else you can think of to get to me. Oh and today's TMIish Queer Shoutout goes to: Anyway Köln TV, the queer YouTube channel of youth centre Anyway in Cologne. I stumbled across the their YouTube channel last week and really liked the videos in which the team took to the streets to interview the people of Cologne on queer topics: Can they tell who identifies as straight, lesbian, or bi just by appearance? Does it work better when the choices are straight, gay, and pansexual? What do you imagine gay sex to look like? And the one that I liked best: How do people react when they are asked to film two guys for a minute and suddenly one proposes to the other right in front of the Cologne Dom cathedrale? Their videos are well thought of and, most of the times, involve strangers they meet on the street. If understand German, check them out and drop a sub! As always: Next #TMIishTuesday next Tuesday. If you have any questions in the meantime, just ask away. Whatever you’re curious about - I don’t bite. :) Until then: Stay mighty! Linkage: - Wikipedia on TPP: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans-Pacific_Partnership - Wikipedia on TTIP: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transatlantic_Trade_and_Investment_Partnership - Wikipedia on swing states: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swing_state - Anyway Köln TV channel on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/AnywayKoelnTV - Anyway Köln website: http://www.anyway-koeln.de/ Oh, and here’s some self-promo: - Last #TMIishTuesday: http://mightbedamian.tumblr.com/post/156001271441/tmiishtuesday-45-guys-cant-wear-make-up - More #TMIishTuesdays: mightbedamian.tumblr.com/tagged/tmi - Poll to decide next week's topic and more very cool stuff: www.twitter.com/mightbedamian - Even more very cool stuff: mightbedamian.tumblr.com

[classicwisdom]

'Remember today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.' - Dale Carnegie.
 Most of the things we worry about will never happen. Look back at the worries that kept you awake - which ones became a reality? And of the ones that did, were they as bad as you anticipated?
 'Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.' - Marcus Aurelius.
 You are stronger than you realise. You can cope with reality. It's the imagined fears we struggle with. Suffering in advance steals time from the present.
 'We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.' - Seneca.
 Measure your worries of the future with your experiences from the past and present. Appreciate the strength you have now, build on it - take it with you into the future.
 'It is likely that some troubles will befall us; but it is not a present fact. How often has the unexpected happened! How often has the expected never come to pass! And even though it is ordained to be, what does it avail to run out to meet your suffering? You will suffer soon enough, when it arrives; so look forward meanwhile to better things. What shall you gain by doing this? Time. There will be many happenings meanwhile which will serve to postpone, or end, or pass on to another person, the trials which are near or even in your very presence. A fire has opened the way to flight. Men have been let down softly by a catastrophe. Sometimes the sword has been checked even at the victim’s throat. Men have survived their own executioners. Even bad fortune is fickle. Perhaps it will come, perhaps not; in the meantime, it is not. So look forward to better things.' - Seneca.
 There is no need to suffer twice; in anticipation and reality. Things are never as good or as bad as we expect. #fear #worry #worries #tomorrow #today #yesterday #anticipation #future #reality #quotes #wordstoliveby #wisdom #words #quoteoftheday #quotestagram #quotestoliveby https://www.instagram.com/p/CPMfbNYjvo7/?utm_medium=tumblr