#covid really just?? fucked me over esp over the summer

[uselessimpulses]

if you wanna help a disabled lgbt sw haha

update: i have a roof over my head thank god, im just working towards being able to take care of long overdue medical debt so that i can hopefully see a doctor and get at least some part of my health looked at as a start!

this is really hard for me to do, but i cant afford to stay at my apartment any longer and staying here has tapped out my savings. my medical bills have been on the backburner so i can keep a roof over my head which is coming to rightfully bite me in the ass, and i havent been able to afford to go see any doctor for my declining health, not even have a chance to call my heart surgeon because of my debts.

ive only gone to the hospital or a doctor for absolute emergencies that i couldnt ignore or treat on my own with what i had currently available and, being a sw/str!pper, ive gotten injured more at work especially lately since we have to work outside in the midwest hear. the bruising ive gotten lately is abnormal and so concerning that i havent been able to work like i usually do, and im doing what i can to work and keep a roof over my head but i really need help.

even if its just a share i would really very much appreciate it, asking for help like this is one of the absolute hardest things ive had to do and ive put it off thinking i could handle all of this on my own but i really cant...

this was immediately after a shift, pole kisses are thing but this is way more severe than it should be,,,,,

[unbridgeabledistances]

ian + mickeys neck (was thinking of the drunk ian fic and wondered if you would be interested in pursuing this idea further?) <3

anon i am CRYING thank u so much for this!!!! i have been feeling like i need to make my contribution to the “mickey’s neck” discourse for a while lmao and this is my opportunity (esp bc ian holding mickey in the 11x12 stills wrecked me)

in the spirit of following up 11x10 i decided to write this based on an amazing post @mickey-millagher made/a prompt that @pombby sent me about ian teaching mickey to swim at a public pool during lockdown at some point early s11- i hope u enjoy<3

(this is the tiniest notch steamier than what i usually write but it isn’t smutty fyi- tw for descriptions of choking😌)

--

There was no one at the park— the air hung heavy and humid over the empty picnic tables and wooden benches that punctuated the fields of dying grass. As much as people on the Southside were definitely not taking any part of this lockdown shit seriously, it didn’t surprise Ian how silent the public park was— there was still a scarcer number of people out on their stoops or lounging on street corners this summer. Ian guessed that the few people who didn’t think that this was a hoax realized that this COVID shit was serious enough that they couldn’t afford healthcare if they got it, or whatever— but regardless, that meant that this Southside summer was weirdly stagnant somehow, and felt different from the noisy and crowded rhythms of summers past.

It was the late morning, just as the air started heat like a convection oven as the sun rose over the skyline— and Ian had his heart set on teaching Mickey to swim today. The conversation had come up last night at dinnertime, when Debbie was complaining about the heat wave— and they had all started reminiscing about the rickety, tin-sided pool they used to put up in the backyard years ago until Carl had taken a hatchet to it when he was 11 when he was trying to tear it down. Sitting next to Mickey at the kitchen table, thighs pressed where their chairs were scooted close together, Ian had suddenly remembered his words from their road trip to the border, years ago now:

“You could try swimming across the border.”

“I never learned how, man.”

And he’d immediately opened his mouth, not catching the words before they moved from his brain to his mouth, and asked Mickey in the middle of the dinnertime chatter: “Hey Mick, did you ever actually learn to swim?”

It was funny, and arbitrary, and stupid; they were married now, but for some reason this small fact about Mickey, the fact that he used to not know how to swim and by now he might have learned without Ian’s knowledge, made something warm pool in Ian’s stomach. He’d known Mickey, and had been itching to be closer and closer to him, for a full decade—and there were still so many things that he didn’t know. And this was proof, this question that Ian still didn’t have the answer to about some weirdly fundamental aspect of Mickey’s identity— he was always going to want to keep asking things about Mickey. And he was always going to get to.

Mickey had looked him with daggers in his eyes, then flickered a defensive glance at all the smirks growing on Ian’s siblings’ faces. “Fuck you. I was doing plenty of other shit in Mexico, didn’t really get the chance to lounge on the fucking beach.”

Ian had reached under the table and placed a hand on Mickey’s knee—a peace offering, an apology for whatever Mickey-can’t-swim quips Carl and Lip would inevitably think up as a low blow the next time they all butted heads at breakfast time— but as the chatter about backyard pools and heat waves continued at the dinner table, Ian felt an idea stirring.

Which is why the next morning he’d woken his husband up by pressing a tender kiss to his jawbone, both of their skin damp and clammy from the heat in the stuffy bedroom, and whispered into his neck:

“I wanna try something today.”

Mickey’s mind had immediately veered in… other directions, his eyebrows raising in vaguely disappointed disbelief when Ian had explained his idea to go to the public pool and teach Mickey to swim with an exuberant grin on his face; but after some very enticing morning persuasion that had a lot to do with the fact that Mickey was still half asleep while Ian had pressed kisses down his spine and dragged him out of bed and handed him a pair of swim trunks, now they were at the public pool in the nearest park at midday, with Ian leading the way and Mickey dubiously and sleepily straggling behind him.

Ian slid open the lock on the chain-link fence that surrounded the pool, the same pool that was usually crawling with groups of teenagers smoking weed and toddlers in floaties who were sticky with melted ice cream on a summer day like today. And maybe he was just all hopped up on nostalgia, but Ian was feeling cheerful— there was a lightness to the blinding summer sunshine, radiating through him as it pooled on his skin, that made him feel weirdly exhilarated and giddy about teaching Mickey to swim in this grimy Southside pool, just because he could.

“I still can’t believe you never learned how to swim.” Ian said it over his shoulder as he strode through the gate, holding it open for Mickey.

Mickey just flipped him off, following behind him and setting down two towels and the 6-pack of beers he’d grabbed from the fridge as they’d shuffled out the door minutes before. Ian grinned. He knew the beers would be warm and syrupy in minutes—the air was muggy and humid, without any hint of a breeze for relief. Ian could already feel the sweat dripping down the back of his t-shirt; he peeled it off as he walked over the sunwarmed concrete towards the pool’s edge, crumpling the shirt and throwing it on top of the pile with the beers and the towels. Mickey was hesitant, not following Ian to the border of the water just yet.

“Seriously. I can’t count the number of times I was shoved into our bacteria-infested backyard pool when I was a kid. I’m pretty sure that Frank tried to drown me in there at one point.”

Mickey just shrugged noncommittally, his fingers slack around the bottom hem of his shirt and his eyes zeroing in on the pool of water. Ian thought Mickey would say something in reply— but the only sound in the air was the faint shouting of kids playing a basketball game the street over.

Holy shit. Ian had been so buoyant and excited about his nostalgia-fueled idea of going to the public pool on a summer day and teaching his husband to swim, dragging Mickey out of the house without a second thought, that he hadn’t realized it until now— Mickey was scared.

Ian swallowed down the grin that was threatening to overtake his face— one he knew that Mickey would immediately notice and hate, because he it drove him crazy when people gave him shit in vulnerable moments like this, when Mickey couldn’t do something. So instead Ian kept talking, hoping his chatter would loosen some of Mickey’s nerves.

“Didn’t you and your brothers ever go down to the other pool over on Trumbull?”

Mickey met Ian’s eyes then, raising an annoyed eyebrow. “Clearly not.”

And, okay. This was understandably bringing up some childhood shit. Ian tried to snap Mickey out of his head— he strode over to where Mickey was standing, a good six feet from the poolside, and snaked a hand onto the back of his neck, squeezing gently in what he hoped was a grounding and comforting touch that would drain the trepidation from Mickey’s defensive stance.

“One summer Debbie was so afraid of getting drowned at the public pool that she learned how to hold her breath for 4 minutes.” Ian grinned at the memory of Debbie dunking her head in a tub of water in the kitchen, making him and Lip time her. “Honestly, it was probably for the best you never went to the public pool. It was a shit show.”

Mickey scoffed, but the lightness was back in his eyes. “If I knew how to swim back in the day I probably woulda been the one doing the drowning.”

Ian barked out a laugh— and why did he immediately turn back into his 15-year-old self, with a god-awful crush on Mickey Milkovich, whenever Mick said shit like that? He pressed his lips into a smile, squeezing Mickey’s shoulder once more for good measure.

“Yeah, yeah. Okay, king of the Southside. You ready to get in the water?” Ian’s hand trailed down from its grasp on Mickey’s shoulderblades, dropping to encircle Mickey’s wrist and guide him towards the water.

Mickey immediately recoiled, yanking his hand from Ian’s hold and taking a step back, squinting and holding up a hand to block the bright rays of sun out of his eyes now that he wasn’t standing in Ian’s shadow.

“Fuck d’you mean? I’m not just gonna fucking hop in there and drown. You gotta show me what to do.”

Ian grinned again, without being able to hold it back. He knew what Mickey was like when he was afraid of something— defensive and grumbly and avoidant to touch. He rolled his eyes. “Can’t really teach you to swim when we’re not in the water, Mick. C’mon.”

Ian walked over to sit on the edge, then slid his torso down into the pool. The water was lukewarm and tepid, barely providing any relief from the sticky air— but it felt nice. Ian let out a little breath of relief from the heat as he waded over to the shallow end. Mickey was still standing by the mound of the towels the ground, watching him warily. Ian raised his eyebrows.

“You coming?”

Rolling his eyes, Mickey aggravatedly pulled off his shirt, tossing it behind him— sunrays bounced off of Mickey’s pale skin, owing mostly to the fact that Mickey had barely left the house in the last few weeks because of their prolonged “honeymoon.” He slowly walked to the very edge of the pool and, in a movement that made Ian’s heart grow ten sizes, hesitantly dipped a toe into the water like a cat trying to paw at something. A corner of Mickey’s mouth flickered downwards almost imperceptibly, a worry line sprouting on his forehead.

“I don’t know, man.”

Ian breathed out a laugh. Leave it to Mickey Milkovich, shit-talking king of the Southside, to be afraid of the shallow end of a public pool. Ian reached out a hand in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, still smiling like a sappy motherfucker at his painfully endearing husband.

“C’mon Mick, just stand here with me first.” Ian was waist-deep in the shallow end, the water pressing against his upper thighs— he knew that at this height the water would be at Mickey’s waist, right where his swim trunks met his hipbones.

Mickey’s brows furrowed from where he was still perched on the concrete lip of the pool ledge, his two feet firmly rooted. “Explain what I gotta do first. To swim, or whatever.”

Ian blew out a breath, still grinning like an idiot. “It’s not that hard, Mick. You just gotta circle your arms and circle your legs. But you have to get in the water first.”

Ian treaded over, pushing through the water to where he could rest his upper arms on the edge of the pool beside where Mickey was standing, staring up at him with what he hoped was a convincingly pleading face. Mickey’s eyes were still fixated on the water, lapping at the pool’s edge from where Ian had rippled through it. And suddenly Ian had an idea.

With a teasing grin, he reached a wet hand out from the water and encircled it around Mickey’s ankle, splattering the concrete with drops of water. Mickey immediately jerked like an electric shock had jolted through his body.

“You gonna come in, or do I have to make you?”

Mickey tried to shake his ankle out of Ian’s grasp, but Ian had hold of him with an iron fist. Mickey leaned over and tried to swat at Ian’s arm without losing his balance on the pool’s edge.

“Cut that shit out right now, Gallagher.”

Ian just grinned, squeezing Mickey’s ankle like he was about to tug him in. “Come on, Mick.”

Mickey’s eyes widened and, just as Ian had imagined he would— he started to freak the fuck out.  

“Ian stop that shit right now, I swear to god I will fucking murder you if you—”

They were at the 6-foot marker in the pool, right where it was deep enough for Mickey to stand on the very tips of his toes; and with this knowledge, Ian tugged at Mickey’s calf— causing him to falter, his arms circling like a cartoon character before he lost his balance and crashed into the water on his side.

Ian immediately placed his hands on Mickey’s hips, standing him upright before his head even fell under the water— but Mickey was still sputtering and splashing, like the drama queen that he was. Once Mickey regained his composure and realized he was easily standing on the bottom of the pool, his head bobbing just above the water, he swiftly splashed healthy burst of water into Ian’s face, the chlorine stinging his eyes and nose.

“Fuck you, Gallagher!”

Ian coughed at the water that had shot up his nose, but immediately splashed Mickey back—and then, because there wasn’t any way this whole pool situation was going to go anyways, he and Mickey were immediately engaged in a life-and-death splash battle, circling each other in the middle section of the pool.

Ian was laughing so hard he felt a stitch in his side— and Mickey was finally grinning again, water dripping down his cheeks and clinging to his hair. After a few minutes Ian threw his hands in the air in surrender, the water cresting at his shoulders.

“Truce!”

Mickey splashed one more surge of water at Ian’s chest for good measure, grinning like a kid in a candy store— then he took a step closer to Ian, eyebrows raised.

“Truce.”

Ian beamed down at him, pressing a quick peck to the top of his damp hair. “Sorry for throwing you in the pool.”

Mickey rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

“But in my defense, it had to happen eventually.”

Mickey shoved him squarely in the chest, taking a step back. “You ruined the fucking truce.”

Ian gave a smug smirk. “Do you wanna learn how to swim, or not?”

Mickey flicked another burst of water at him, just enough to cast a slew of droplets onto Ian’s cheeks. “Alright. Get coaching, Michael Phelps.”

Ian hadn’t really considered how he was actually going to teach Mickey to swim— but it couldn’t be that hard, right? He tried to think back to when Lip had taught him how to tread water, on an equally as sweltering day in the backyard pool, when the yard was packed with lawn chairs and drunk neighbors and smelled of ashy barbeque smoke.

“Okay. So you’ve gotta move your arms in circles, kinda, to stay floating. And your legs too.”

Ian swam over to the deeper end of the pool, just an arm’s length away from where he and Mickey’s feet could touch, and tried to demonstrate how to tread water. “I feel like the easiest way for you to learn is just by doing it. C’mere.”

Mickey looked at him reluctantly, brows furrowed again in an outward display of his bundled nerves. “No fucking way.”

Ian sighed in exasperation. “C’mon, Mick. I’ve got you. I’m not gonna let you drown, you can hold on to me the whole time.”

Mickey raised an eyebrow— but then hesitantly took a step towards Ian, the water reaching up to the bottom of his chin.

“Alright, good. Now step where you can’t reach and try to tread water like I did.”

Mickey stepped forward again, then started to circle his arms under the water— and he was doing great, for a second, before he seemed to get too in his head about the mechanics and started to grit his teeth.

“Little help here, Gallagher?”

Ian grinned and stepped forward. “Here, you can hang onto me.” He stood where Mickey could reach and grab onto his shoulders if he needed to— but Mickey seemed to regain his confidence, and was starting to steadily, if a little bit clumsily, tread water.

He kept it up for a while, until Ian could see that he was overexerting himself— waving his arms under the water with a little too much gusto, brows furrowed and his teeth digging into his lower lip in concentration.

“Mick, you’ve got it. Chill out for a sec.”

Ian reached an arm out, a branch for Mickey to grab on to— because he had been joking before, yes, but he really didn’t want Mickey to fucking drown— and when Mickey grasped onto it, Ian pulled Mickey towards him in the water, kicking backwards so they were suspended in the deeper end of the pool with Mickey clinging to Ian’s neck.

Mickey looked nervous as Ian veered them towards deeper waters, his eyes darting from side to side where they were floating, his fingers digging into the back of Ian’s neck— and Ian smirked at how freaked out he seemed, standing only a few feet from where they could both confidently stand on the tiled pool bottom. But Mickey didn’t resist, or try to propel himself back into the shallower waters— he let himself cling on to Ian, fingers interlaced behind the tops of Ian’s shoulders, as he kept them afloat. Ian laughed softly in a warm, wet gust across Mickey’s cheek. “You okay?”

He could feel the heat radiating off of Mickey’s body, squeezing up close against him— and Ian couldn’t help it, the wave of fondness that came over him as he looked down at where Mickey was pressed against his chest; trusting Ian to keep them above the water, trusting Ian enough to go along with his stupid plan to teach him to swim in a public pool on a random morning just because Ian wanted to. Ian couldn’t help but feel warmth in his stomach at this simple moment, at the two of them bobbing in the pool— at teaching his husband to swim, something Mickey’d never gotten to do as a kid but something that they had the rest of their lives to do together.

“Maybe we could teach Franny to swim next summer. If we have our own place.”

As he said it, Ian hoped that Mickey could see the flood of hopes that he had for them in his eyes— that he wanted a place with a pool, and a balcony, maybe a backyard, and maybe even a fucking garden—he’d always wanted to grow tomatoes. More than anything he wanted to build something sturdy, that could stand up to whatever ground would inevitably shift beneath them in the years to come— he’d been thinking about that a lot these days, especially with all of the pandemic shit that had pulled a rug out from under this entire neighborhood.

Mickey’s gaze flickered up from where it had been boring a panicky hole in Ian’s sternum, meeting Ian’s eyes at the phrase “our own place”— and Ian instantly knew that he got it, that he could see the dreams that Ian was building for the two of them right in front of their eyes. That after months and years of obstacles and chaos and other voices infiltrating their heads, now it was just them— now it was just Ian and Mickey, clinging to each other and drifting through the calm, chlorinated waters.

And maybe it was their proximity, or the intensity Ian knew he was pouring out in his gaze, but instantly the air between them shifted as Mickey looked up— starting to hang heavy like the press of the humidity in the air. Their faces were centimeters apart— and Mickey’s lips parted slightly, his eyes now cast downward at Ian’s lips. Ian could smell the sweet, warm beer on Mickey’s breath, mingling with his own; he looked at Mickey, whose arms were still wrapped around his neck, water dripping down his face from the hair that was fanning over his forehead—and Ian just had to pull him in, had to place a hand in the damp hair at the nape of Mickey’s neck and tug him closer, backing them against the tiled wall of the pool.

Ian could taste the faintest bitterness of chlorine on Mickey’s lips, from the water droplets lingering there, as he took Mickey’s bottom lip between his teeth. Mickey’s hands were still limply wrapped around Ian’s neck, keeping himself afloat— even though Ian had backed them against a wall in the shallow end of the pool again, and Mickey could probably touch his toes to the ground if he wanted to.

Ian raised his hand from under the water, wanting Mickey closer— he pressed a hand to the side of Mickey’s neck, slick with water, and slid a thumb over Mickey’s collarbone, pressing down with the pad of his fingers.

And Mickey gave a little involuntary noise from the back of his throat, sending a jolt down Ian’s spine.

Ian’s hands circling Mickey’s neck was definitely not a foreign concept while they were kissing—  it was something they did a lot these days, especially as their hours in bed had taken a turn from the crazed, I-missed-your-body-so-fucking-much sex they were having in the beginning days of being in prison together and those early months after Mickey had gotten released— but both in prison and during this fucking quarantine, they’d gotten a bit more experimental, and a bit more reckless—especially before Ian had gotten his warehouse job and they were still on their structureless “honeymoon,” spending entire days lounging in bed.

It was those days of lazy, languid kisses, after years and years of already knowing each other, that Ian realized that he was maybe a little bit obsessed with Mickey’s neck. He’d always joked about liking Mickey’s legs, and that was true too (if he was being honest, there wasn’t a part of Mickey’s body that didn’t make his blood run hotter)— but the first time Mickey had grabbed Ian’s hand and put it up to his neck while they were tangled together, pressing down until Ian’s hand covered most of his throat, Ian knew that they’d opened Pandora’s fucking box.

By this point, Ian’s hand was pretty much always on Mickey’s neck at some point while they were fucking or even just making out— if he was being totally honest, Ian’s hand was on Mickey’s neck more often than not in lots of contexts these days, once they realized how much they both loved it. But there was something about this current moment, of Mickey wantonly desiring a point of contact there, right now, while they were very randomly and decidedly making out while floating in a public pool on a lazy weekday afternoon, that made Ian’s blood run hotter than usual, and rush quicker through his veins.

Ian let the pads of his fingers creep up the velvet skin of the side of Mickey’s neck, pressing a little deeper, a prelude— he could feel the vibration of Mickey’s heartbeat starting to flutter from where Mickey was still pressed against his chest, still clinging to his neck in the water.

They’d already extensively discussed limits and everything, Mickey would tap his wrist twice if shit got too intense— but even with that in mind, Ian pulled apart from Mickey for a second, trailing ghosts of kisses up the side of his neck and nipping at the underside of Mickey’s jaw. Mickey stretched his neck back and gave a little involuntary sputter of a moan, bubbling out of his mouth before he could stop it. He fisted a hand in Ian’s hair, at the nape of his neck, and leaned forward again to press their lips together with more fervor.

Ian pulled back again, his upper back resting against the concrete lip of the pool. Mickey looked disheveled and wrecked, half-dry chlorine-crusted hair sticking up from where Ian’s other hand had been cradling the back of his head, his blue eyes gleaming and catching the over-bright summer light. Mickey was still clinging his arms around Ian’s neck, holding on— they were in a fucking pool, and Mickey still couldn’t really fucking swim yet— and even though they were standing in a place where Mickey’s toes could certainly touch the ground, the whole thing felt weirdly insular and intimate, like they had to cling to each other.

Mickey raised his eyebrows at Ian, like he was daring him to keep going.  

Ian leaned forward, breathing heavily into Mickey’s mouth, but not pressing their lips together yet—and he reached a hand up again, against Mickey’s tender skin. Mickey’s legs were wrapped around Ian’s hips now, locked like a vice to keep himself upright in the water— and he pressed a little harder, gently pulsing at the sides of Mickey’s neck, in tandem with their lips pressing together over and over again as the warm waters surrounded them—the whole thing, the whole combination, made Ian feel indescribably floaty and weird and warm and blissed out; his skin stinging like ice and fire at every point of contact, electricity  zapping his nerve endings wherever his fingertips met Mickey’s skin. Mickey fisted his hand harder at the back of Ian’s hair, nodding slightly—and they were definitely not going to fuck here, in the filth of a Southside public pool, but this insular closeness, the knowing what they both wanted to right now, was equally as thrilling and fulfilling to Ian in the moment. He could almost feel his own heart beating, reverberating as it pressed against Mickey’s chest, vibrating straight through Mickey and back to him as they clung to each other in the water.

Mickey’s body was thrumming, letting out little gasps of breath between kisses and touches—and Ian pulled back and dragged his lips down the side of Mickey’s neck, inhaling the sunwarmed skin. Fuck. He was never, never going to get enough of this.

**

Later, they’d dragged their water-heavy limbs back through the still summer streets to the Gallagher house, their skin pink and their bodies exhausted from soaking up the sun— and they’d collapsed into bed, feeling the dried chlorine coating their skin.

Ian reached a hand up, rubbing a thumb over Mickey’s cheek, their bodies pliant and fatigued— and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Thanks for letting me teach you how to swim.”

Mickey had smirked. “Yup, that was definitely the only highlight of today. Swimming.”

[ttlmt]

Bee, how are we meant to process this!?!?! I'm so furious on his behalf that he got jerked around by YouTube for so long, it's so disheartening and unfair and yet he's still there. Picking up the shattered pieces and figuring out how to fit them back together again. Just listening to his voice for an hour and a half straight (or well gay) has made something resonate deep within my chest and I didn't realise how much I missed him before I was reminded of all that he is. (Also, hello, I hope you're doing well, love!)

i think you can see me have a rollercoaster of a breakdown over the past like three hours on this blog cxlkjcdhg its so much to process

i missed him SO much just today my friends and i were joking about dan coming back and then BOOM here he is. i loved listening to his voice and his humour and wisdom and he always knows just what to say when i need to hear it. always sends me in a spiral but knows how to pull me out.

(edit: i've decided to put this under a read more because a) it got way longer than expected and b) its not all coherent and well-spoken like i wanted it to be but here it is)

first of all, i love dan's journey to accepting his past and appreciating it for what it is because thats a similar journey that i've been on recently and im glad he never doesn't acknowledge that there was good in it. it was good. it was important. its just not what he needs now. and nuance is something this phandom i find always struggles with, but dan is so good at it. there was good and bad parts to all parts of his career, but he ends on a positive note because he knows we're like him and we worry and thats where he is now and just yeah i love him

dan being so hard on himself about being a creator and whether or not he deserves this and that he firmly believes he's not good enough? i FELT that. like it doesnt matter what other people say, sometimes you just dont believe the good and you just need to operate like that. and it SUCKS. but you still do it in hopes that maybe one day you'll see what they see. also all that esp after knowing all the shit he went through in the past year? im about to throw hands with dans brain

BURNOUT. god as a media student just personally this hit. like its not an industry you can be neurodivergent or mentally ill in. you're expected to be working 24/7 and you're supposed to be happy about it because you're doing what you love. everything is your job, but its what you wanted right? creative control? its so fucked up and dan explained it way better than i have ever heard someone say it. im so glad hes prioritizing getting help to work on stuff like we're a collaborative species we're meant to work together and im so glad it seemed with this video already he has found people he likes working with

i'm gonna fucking fight youtube. like i figured it was bad behind the scenes but i did not in any universe think it was That Bad. i just assumed things got cancelled cause of covid. the way they treated dan is so fucking unprofessional (but also not unheard of in the industry which is more fucked) and i hope they receive backlash for this but also YTO is gone now so theres nothing really to do and i also dont want it to reflect on dan. in addition to that, i can't imagine going through this with a partner who has the same employer and needs to work with them too. like phil had to watch yt do this to dan all while still working with yt cause its his job. they love and care about eachother so much and im glad they had eachother but jfc they shouldn't have had to go through that.

i'm so glad dan is taking control of his narrative and doing stuff for himself now. im soooo excited for tour. im so happy ttlmt (the video) is getting the recognition it deserves. i hope this shuts everyone up who shit on dan over the past 2 years.

also hellooooo i'm doing alright! i just got back to my parent's place for the summer so i'm adjusting to that and starting my summer course so i'm a bit overwhelmed but im overall okay. all this happening right after i say im back with gifs is so funny dlkjfdg

[katierosefun]

oh golly gee, somehow january has already flown by (happy first month of 2022!), so we’re back with a wrap-up on whatever the heckity heck i consumed over the past month. my break went on a bit longer than it did in past years, so i had plenty of time to watch and read more stuff than i usually would...so hold onto your hats!: 

kdrama: 

happiness 

i started this show in december, stopped watching because of finals, then finished it during my last two weeks of winter break...and absolutely adored it. basically, this show is about sae bom (han hyo joo) getting fake-married to her friend yi hyun (park hyung sik). both work in different branches of the police force (sae bom as specialized police, yi  hyun as a detective), and they get fake-married in order to live in an apartment...except not everything is at seems. basically, there’s something new breaking out--tentatively called “madman’s rabies”, but really...guys, this is a zombie story. 

and yet. take it from me, someone who’s terrified of zombies (like. for some people, ghosts scare the living fuck out of them. for me? it’s zombies), this show is so much more than a zombie story. there’s fake marriage, yes, and there’s also found family, and also just overall what does it mean to be happy? and so what the fuck did we learn from covid anyways? and also all the wonderful messages about social class that we like from a survival story. 

god. ugh. this show just hit all the marks. the romance was so...i enjoyed it so much more than i thought i would, and the found family dynamic was so!!!! (god.....god sae bom can you be my big sister please) also, just like...i was so fascinated by how this show discussed covid? i actually didn’t think i’d want to watch a show that was set so closely near the pandemic, and yet...the theme of the chaos in the pandemic alongside...a zombie story...was so well done and cleverly thoughtful that i was able to watch it and feel like i was watching a real story about coping with the traumas and fears that we are unfortunately still going through today, esp. with omicron numbers going up. 

basically...i rather enjoyed this show. it’s only 12 episodes long, but weirdly, the episodes feel incredibly short, and just. overall. a very satisfying show. 

our beloved summer 

man...i haven’t watched a kdrama in primarily pastel-y/washed out/soft colors in so goddamn long, i almost forgot they existed. admittedly, i’ve watched quite a few darker korean dramas for the last few months, so i think a part of me was actually relieved to watch something that wasn’t about murder or death or zombies or the like. i watched this show while it was airing, and to be honest, i didn’t think much of it at first, but like a lot of viewers, i wound up feeling a lot of bittersweet things regarding the story. 

basically, this show is about old sweethearts yeon su (kim da mi) and ung (choi woo shik), who only started dating after being paired up together for a documentary project. now, a few years after their rather miserable breakup, they are to be in yet another documentary together as a “ten years later” sort of project. of course, now they’re at both pretty different paths: ung is now an artist, and yeon su works in a company. on paper, i think they’re both pretty successful, even despite their own challenges--but they are also both absolutely miserable, and as you might guess it, it’s because they both rather terribly miss each other. 

i really didn’t expect to actually like this drama? i like both actors, but i didn’t know that after months of really heavy and fast-paced plots, i wouldn’t know how to handle something that’s more centered on real life . . . and yet funnily enough, that was the charm of the show because even though i’m nowhere near the same place in life as our characters, the emotions were very real. i dunno how many people relate to the feeling of the one that got away or feeling still rather hung up on someone they once deeply, deeply loved--but this show was kind of a soothing balm for those feelings. very charming, very real, complete with all the slow bittersweet-resentful-but-still-loving feelings that you might expect from a show like this. if you want something soft but also something to pluck at the heartstrings, this is the show. 

all of us are dead 

i hate zombies so much, so i don’t know why i watched two zombie things in one month, but i did. 

anyways, this show is based on the webtoon of the same name--and even though i heard the webtoon’s much better and that there are significant differences from the webtoon itself, i personally thought this show was . . . hm, well, i had mixed feelings for this show. i think that in terms of zombie flicks, it’s fantastic bc it’s got the gore, the very real fear, and this themes about well, what do we do with / about kids anyways? and we have to stay hopeful and friends are important were done decently. (other themes . . . not so much, in my opinion.) 

but basically, this show is about a high school being ground zero of a zombie outbreak. there’s a pretty big cast, all of them filled with relatively new actors (which is so exciting, i can tell some of these kids are going to grow into incredibly big stars, if this series isn’t already kinda launching them into that path)--and despite my personal issues with some of them, i did like them, mostly because they were all trying so hard to live. like, idk about you guys, but i feel like if i were in their position, i would have just turned into a zombie right then and there. but like! they were trying so hard, whether it was in the act of fending off zombies or comforting each other around a campfire. seriously, i adored those moments the most. 

overall, i think this show is something that people who really love zombie stories for the horror might enjoy. there’s some frustrating plot points, and there’s some even more frustrating characters (not just in the “oh, they’re the worst” kind of way, but more like in the “? ? ? what’s their point?” kind of way), but ? ? ? y’know, it was fun to watch. (however, massive trigger warnings for implied s*xual assault, h*zing, su*cide, gore . . . there’s so much of it, and some of the gore stuff especially gets kinda brutal.)

tv shows: 

the haunting of hill house 

you know. . .i started this show in december and paused it for a while because my headspace wasn’t really able to handle the themes at that point, but around middle january, i picked up this show again and i am very glad that i did. not just because i felt like my mental health was better, but also because i thought . . . while the first half of the show was brutal (which was also what i watched during december), the second half of the show was . . . god. no words to describe how beautiful it was and how it really nailed the overarching theme of the show and how once again i am hit with the idea of horror and ghost stories as love stories and healing and god oh god 

but anyways. i. i feel like i’m late to this train but for those who don’t know, this show is about the crain family and a terrible tragedy that happened to them while the parents were trying to fix up the old hill house. now the crain siblings are all adults, but they’re still plagued by the trauma of that one horrific night and the strange happenings of the house--and it takes off from there. 

god. this show . . . i really can’t go too deep into this show without feeling like i might get perceived, but it was so beautiful and so compelling and so wonderful to me in terms of what it means to really live and also what it means to be a family, and how sometimes being a family is so complicated and messy and painful, but there is also something really lovely and sometimes there is happiness and joy and also there really is something unique about sibling bonds and also there is something so heartwrenching about loving someone who might slowly be falling apart before your eyes and oh god oh god oh god. i finished this show after i got my booster shot, and i cried so hard my fever respiked, so that should . . . that should give you an idea of the emotions i was going through. a solid show. 1000/10 would recommend, i even think i like it better than bly manor, which is saying something.

movies: 

okay....so i tried to watch this back in december, and i got through maybe 80% of it before going “you know what? now would be a fantastic time to chop of my hair with safety scissors. why not. why not!” and then proceeded to do so. because that’s kinda how this special makes you feel. (and not just bc of bo burnham’s long hair. just like. in general. desire to do something within your control.) 

that said! i really . . . is enjoyed the right word? i definitely thought inside was good, in that it really captures the whole . . . mood these days. or at least, my mood. it’s understandable why this special appealed to so many people when it first came out, when everyone was still trying to get used to the first few months of the pandemic. 

if i’m about to be honest, now that we’re officially in 2022, i suppose . . . seeing this comedy special really just made me. sit for a while and contemplate the state of the world. truly the epitome of “ha ahahaa . . .  the world is . . . not great right now but here’s some funny songs to go with it! :)” which. you know. you know. that said, my favorite songs are probably content, comedy, welcome to the internet...and look who’s inside again, all eyes on me, goodbye. (basically. the whole tracklist is fantastic.) 

given this comedy special was released . . . almost two years ago (huh) . . .i would be surprised if others hadn’t already watched this, but! i do recommend it--just maybe. make sure your head’s in a marginally okay place right now lol

the tale of princess kaguya 

i watched this right after watching inside, which was a really good idea because this was one of those movies that reminded me that, as the movie suggests, we are born to truly live. 

for those who aren’t quite as familiar with this studio ghibli movie, the tale of princess kaguya is based off the japanese folk tale the tale of the bamboo cutter. in this movie, a bamboo cutter finds a little child in a flower. this child grows quickly to become the most beautiful in the land, and given her funny “birth”, the bamboo cutter is convinced she was sent from the heavens to become the princess. i won’t go too much into detail with the plot other than that, because i feel like this is one of those movies that you should really go in blind--just as you should with quite a lot of studio ghibli movies, honestly. 

that said: i adored this movie. the only studio ghibli movie i’ve actually watched fully is spirited away and the secret world of arrietty, and i’m trying to remedy that. i initially chose this movie because it looked like it was just beautifully animated (and it is! look at this gorgeous frame!), and ofc, i came for the animation but stayed for the genuinely beautiful, fairytale-esque storytelling, the lovable protagonist kayuga, and the themes about sorrow, parent-child relationships, and what it means to truly live. what a good movie. stellar. i cried, just as i expected. 

the world of us 

you know when you stumble across a movie, show, book, whatever that is very good but also hits a little way too close to home? and so you finish it and feel empty but also healed but also just kind of like. someone patted you on the head and saw you for who you were and you feel a little terrified but also this bittersweet knowledge of being known? because that was how the world of us was to me. 

basically, this movie is about a young girl named sun (choi soo in), who’s an outcast in her school. then a new girl named jia (seol hye in) moves to the town, and she becomes quick friends with sun. for one blissful summer, they’re closer than close in the way that all childhood friends are. but then the school year starts again, and jia becomes quickly sucked in with the popular girls of the class, effectively leaving sun alone again. what ensues is mostly a lot of the bitter, very childhood-typical-esque passive aggressive bullying that would make any formerly bullied child want to crawl under the covers. overall though, it’s . . . such a touching movie. don’t be fooled by the pastels--this movie doesn’t pull back the punches on the hard-hitting themes of friendship and adolescence and all the saddest, messiest things that come with that. 

anyways. ‘tis a good movie. i felt so much during the first 30 minutes, and the next 60 minutes were somehow even better and more feels-y. 1000/10 recommend, and if you were a former bullied kid/had scarily similar experiences with sun, also be prepared to feel a lot of compassion for kids who are just Going Through It. 

joan’s galaxy 

i mean, technically, joan’s galaxy is a television episode, but it’s about an hour long and it’s a part of an anthology series, so i’m going to call this a movie. but basically, joan’s galaxy is about a world in which some people can live up to 100 years, while others can live up to 30 years because of a fine dust disaster. one day, a young woman who might have been able to live for 100 years learns that she’s actually one of those types who can only live up to 30 years. she winds up meeting someone with this same condition, and they bond over the course of about 50 minutes. 

this was just one of those rather simple, but rather lovely films that made me feel satisfied. it was a sweet love story more than anything else, and it made me feel a bit bittersweet towards the end, but oh...what it means to love someone, even if only for a brief moment. 

kiki’s delivery service 

you ever just watch a movie about burnout and suddenly feel better? because yeah. for those who don’t know, this movie follows the little witch kiki, who, now at 13 years old, is off to fly to some new city so that she can  become the local witch. she winds up starting a delivery service, and the movie kind of takes off from there and explores how she navigates her new life. 

y’know, as a kid, i could never finish this movie because i would always get stumped right around seeing kiki unable to fly/being terrified of losing her witch powers. even though i knew studio ghibli movies mostly had happy endings, something about that scene just always unsettled me. but this time, i finally finished the movie, and i’m very glad i did, because y’know. this movie really said that sometimes you just need to rest before finding your magic/spirit again, and that’s so touching. highly recommend. a really stellar studio ghibli movie, i think everyone should watch this at least once in their lives. 

what a man wants 

. . . the things i watch for shin ha kyun. the things i watch for shin ha kyun--and the things shin ha kyun makes me watch--

well. anyways. this movie is about two married couples who live (. . . together, i think? or like their houses are connected i think) and how the men are cheating on their wives. it’s all very much so a comedy, with some pretty . . . idk how to describe it? some of the twists were actually rather funny, and i actually laughed a bit in the hahaa!! that’s what you get, stupid cheater! 

you know, kinda iffy premise aside though, i weirdly liked this movie? like. it was funny but funny in the “oh dude you’re just digging yourself an even deeper grave and you deserve absolutely every bit of it” kind of way. also funny in the “oh geez y’all suck and i’m going to watch this trainwreck of your life and laugh” kinda way. maybe funny in like . . . reverse midsummer night’s dream kinda way? (idk where that comparison came from, but it makes sense in my head lol) 

tbh, would i recommend this movie? uh. idk. not really? i mean, i kinda liked the conclusion of the movie--kinda--and i thought there was some lesson and some takeaway in the movie (ie. don’t cheat on your partner! at the end of the day, you need to remember who you actually like/love!), but i also feel like if i didn’t already like shin ha kyun and song ji hyo, then i would have never gotten through this movie. so, i’ll leave it at that! 

the prince of egypt

maybe cheating because i’ve watched this movie many times before, but man . . . i was listening to this while waiting for an email from a law school i applied to back in november, and needless to say, i was incredibly stressed out. so i dunno. i decided to watch this movie because you know, there’s something incredibly significant about hearing how can you tell where your value lies and there can be miracles when you believe and i suppose i’ve just been feeling very down lately. so this movie was . . . a really beautiful reminder to me that it’s so impossible to judge the value of your life through only the present moment--and i suppose, as someone who’s religious myself, this movie really deeply moved me, and i kind of remembered through this movie oh, that’s what’s comforting about my own faith, even if i’ve felt angry and distanced from it these days. but you know, i think the creators of this movie were brilliant in making this movie so touching for people of the 3 main faiths that are aware of this story (judaism, christianity, islam) . . . like, oh. idk. i have more thoughts but i’ll write them down later.

music: 

to the island by ahn ye eun

oh my god. i just love ahn ye eun’s voice so much. i was already familiar with some of her past songs, most notably night flower and chaanggwi, but then this month, she also released haechi (which made me go insane...beyond evil fans know why), and so i decided to go into her ep which was released last year...and i regret not knowing about this ep sooner, because it was so beautiful? for those who aren’t aware, ahn ye eun is an incredibly unique korean indie songwriter and singer for specifically for how she comes from the very traditional korean music scene. her use of traditional korean instruments, as well as her incredibly unique voice, has been used for a number of saeguk (historical) dramas, and it’s easy to see why--she’s just so good at capturing so many emotions and also bringing in a musical vocal tradition that isn’t mainstream at all. 

even if you don’t understand korean, i highly recommend you give her songs a listen. i would recommend night flower and haechi first, just because those are my favorites--but this whole ep is such a gem. (or, if you’re just looking for incredibly emotional music to listen to without getting caught up in the lyrics, ahn ye eun is def. worth checking out too. i love this woman, and i can’t stop refreshing her spotify page to see if she’s releasing anything new.) 

the man upstairs by robyn hitchcock

you know, the first time i ever heard robyn hitchcock was through the ghost in you when i first watched amazon prime’s the wilds. and anyways, i dunno why (maybe nostalgia for that time), i decided to give the whole album a listen because i needed something quiet in the background . . . and oh man. oh man, this album was so great. it really is all quiet music, very minimalist with cello and acoustic guitar and vocals, but they make me feel very happy. my favorites are still totally the ghost in you and san francisco patrol. 

this empty northern atmosphere by gregory alan isakov

like the man upstairs, this album is incredibly quiet, although i would say gregory alan isakov—at least in this album—is more in the folk tradition than robyn hitchcock (who i would say is more singer-songwriter than folksy? although those genres kinda mix). but anyways, gosh. i adored this album. i got into it originally because i adore if i go, i’m goin’, which was the last song playing in the haunting of hill house. i found that the entire album is just as lovely, with really beautiful, homey sounds and comforting lyrics and just like. you ever feel like the sun’s rising or quietly summer-setting when you’re listening to music? because this is the type of music you play when the sun’s rising or when it’s summer and you just hear cicadas and you see fireflies buzzing above your head and you watch pink clouds roll by and this music would be playing in your head and you roll over on your side to reach for your sibling or your lover or your mom or whatever. that’s the kind of music in this album, and i adore it.

allegiance

you know, i had no idea this musical even existed until i heard it mentioned in a moth story by annie tan called “drumstick, please!. tan mentioned it as one of the only (if not the only) broadway musical featuring asian americans (her specific words being “people who look like me”), and so i gave it a whole listen immediately after. guys, i cried at least 3 or 4 times while listening to this relatively short musical (about an hour of songs). 

so even though i haven’t actually watched the musical, i think that, judging by the songs, it’s about a japanese-american family during japanese internment back in world war ii. for those who aren’t aware of this point in history, basically after the japanese bombed pearl harbor in hawaii, president roosevelt executed order 9006 on feb 19, 1942, effectively putting largely japanese americans into camps. it’s a bit of history americans don’t really like to acknowledge or go too into detail--but the trauma of that one bit of history still has impacts on so many japanese-american families today, and this musical really kinda goes into that. even though i’m not japanese-american myself, i did very strongly relate to this unspoken urge to present myself as American As Possible so that White Americans Could Accept Me or At Least Tolerate My Existence--which i think is a pretty common thread for lots of americans who come from immigrant families. so like. all the characters felt real and sympathetic, and by the end of the musical, you kinda come to the conclusion that a) family is important and b) dude, it fucking sucks that american society is structured in a way that it makes its immigrant children turn their backs against their own families. overall a stunning musical, really lovely. my favorite track probably has to be higher and how can you go?, which made me cry way too many tears.

[mariaiscrafting]

tommy got covid I guess. I’m not suprised since he has been travelling all around England with various people. Hope no one else in the group got it though.

sigh

as much as I love the irl content lately and as much as the vlogs have helped me when I'm anxious/depressed, I really fucking wished CCs would stop being incredibly irresponsible rn. like, usually, esp during karl traveling era, I'm mostly against CCs travelling and broadcasting it publicly bc they set a very bad precedent for their audience to follow, akin to the effect la influencers had last summer. but it's so much fucking worse when someone actually gets covid, christ. like, do y'all realize this isn't a game, or some thought experiment, or a matter of moral supremacy/virtue signaling? no matter how invulnerable you might believe yourself to believe, that's not how the reality of this virus works.

you can take measures to lower the probability of contagion, but that's all you're doing- not guaranteeing the possibility is non-existent. if you wear a mask everywhere you go, you're lowering the probability. if you get tested before hanging w/people and they get tested, get vaccinated, hang out outside/socially distanced, etc., that's all you're doing- lowering probability. and on the flip side are the variables that will heighten the probability- every single person you see increases the probability, even fractionally; every person you hug or take a picture with; every person you talk to without a mask. you're just playing with probabilities, and responsible citizens should be doing everything in their power to lower that probability to an acceptable risk. if that means not hugging and taking pictures with fans you don't know are vaccinated or not, not pulling your mask down your nose when interacting with randos, not seeing over 50 people within the span of a few days, not eating in restaurants and in indoors facilities without a mask; well, that means you have to be fucking responsible.

anyways, i love tommy /parasocial, i love the vlogging gang, but jfc does their behavior lately and that of everyone in the uk and the us rn frustrate me to no end. stop being a blockhead, for fuck's sake. i'm begging y'all to stop doing this shit just bc you "feel" that it's fine now. stop travelling recklessly, stop eating inside, stop going to crowded indoors events, stop meeting with multiple households of unvaccinated people, stop being reckless because you're not just playing with your own life; you're playing with the lives of every single person you have interacted with since contracting covid.

tommy has seen so many fucking people lately, he's traveled around and exposed who knows how many randos for his vlogs, fans, etc. i can only pray he didn't get anyone else sick, hospitalized, or god forbid, dead.

[vtforpedro]

medical update and stuff. trigger warnings in tags I’m extremely frustrated. it’s been 15 months of frustration lol so so so sick of doctors, so sick of living through this. I am tired and getting no relief you might remember, but I was given a ‘possible’ IIH diagnosis in October. we’ve been treating it like it is IIH, which means everything has always been real etc etc and the treatment is weight loss. started my ‘better eating habits’ on nov 1st. then I immediately had the thing with my chemo pill packing on a ton of excess fluid, worsening my head to the point of ER and calling my neurosurgeon, getting taken off my chemo pill, and it wasn’t until mid-december that I actually started to see any fucking weight loss cause of that my pcp told me 5lbs a month. so I’ve been right on track with that despite wishing I could lose 10 a month but that’d be starving myself so lol I’ve lost 15lbs but now something exciting is happening again!! I am retaining fluid and I have NO idea why. which means my head is now as bad as it was last summer when everything was at its worse. constant all day long, pills barely doing anything for me, vision issues, pain issues. it feels like something broke in the base of my skull/neck because I get the scariest sensations there. it’s horrible. no human being should have to live this way and I do it every single day, numerous times a day anyway I had to go to the ER last thursday A G A I N because a doctor sent me. my pupils were noticeably two different sizes. I’d noticed three days beforehand and convinced myself I was imagining it cause it wasn’t a huge difference. finally took a picture and no, def not the same size and my eye looked like it was going inward? anyway, called my pcp, they had me come in that day, he saw it from a foot and a half away, sat back, and said I need you to go to the ER, you need your brain looked at. so again, I’ve been seeing this for three days while my head has been 10/10 extreme due to pressure in it. I get there and have to wait a while but less than two hours later when they finally looked at me? gone. pupils back to normal. doctor talking down to me like I was just an anxious mess and not that another dr sent me cause he saw what I did lol and his notes were in my chart. so, wasted visit and they put a covid patient 15ft from me and intubated them, so get to remember what that sounds like forever and ever (covid patients are supposed to be separated from other ER patients). now I’m doing a 10 day quarantine while I am so severely disabled I cannot bend over to take care of my cats food/litter/etc and it’s why my mom half lives with me but she can’t right now :) getting a covid test in three hours and it’s been eight days with nothing but head issues + fluid retention so hoping it’s negative the fluid retention I had before was a side effect of my chemo pill. I don’t know why this is happening. I should be 17lbs down now and I’ve actually gained weight despite being on the same diet that lost me the 15. I’m back to 13lbs down. this makes me feel like I might be carrying 4lbs of water weight. let me break this down because yesterday a PA told me my symptoms were too ‘ambiguous’ to say if fluid retention is happening or not - fluid retention from the chemo pill was ALL felt in my stomach. it was distended and bloated like I’d eaten at a buffet every single day - head got massively worse, enough to go to the er, doc and I agreed the fluid retention causing me to fluctuate between 15lbs was making the IIH worse - not urinating often despite drinking a normal amount - got on a diuretic, seven days later the weight was gone, head was better, started losing weight this is what I’m experiencing now - fluid retention that is causing my stomach to feel very bloated and look/feel distended - head has gotten massively worse, enough to send me to the ER - should be losing weight, have actually gained weight on a low fat, low calorie diet - the only difference this time is that I am dehydrating myself (yes I know, bad, but it is literally saving my life) because I experimented one day with half my water intake and my head was miles better. still experiencing a terrible head episode once or twice a day but it’s not 10/10 constantly - and the second difference is despite not drinking enough water, I am actually urinating more often and it’s a lot more clear than it should be, the color I expect when I’m hydrating well I consider this ^^^^^ to be a good case of why I think I have fluid retention but being told my symptoms were ‘ambiguous’ and throwing me to my neurosurgeon instead is HNNNNG (esp because diuretics are known to help IIH symptoms FOR THIS EXACT REASON) I have VERY recently had my sugars checked a few times, glucose is normal. VERY recently had an abdominal CT, also normal. it’s not diabetes, it’s not something happening in my abdomen. they hear abdomen vs legs swelling and think it’s GI because doctors never fucking listen and actively put their patients in danger but o h w e l l, I guess anyway as it’s been for 15 months, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I go this way and experience agony, I go that way and experience agony I need extra hydration for weight loss, leukemia, being obese. I need less hydration because it worsens IIH to the point of 10/10 I want to die (which makes me heavily and actively suicidal. doctors see I take anti-depressants and assume idk I’m being dramatic but no, it’s really this fucking bad. I would rather die that moment than keep feeling what’s happening in my head) there’s like no middle ground and my body and these doctors are making it impossible to figure this shit out. my mom had to come over at 1:45 AM last night (hasn’t had to rush here since april 2020 cause that’s just how bad it is) because I lost my balance twice and was lucky I had something to catch onto or I would’ve been on the ground (neuro symptoms which could be IIH, could be chiari, could be stroke) and my speech got SUPER bad almost immediately. scared the hell out of me, I have never in my life lost balance that badly before things are going downhill and I would’ve thought losing weight they’d start improving but when has my body ever made this easy lol meeting a new neurologist on monday who works in the same building with my neurosurgeon. I’ve been avoiding them cause every single one of them told me I was just anxious despite specific physical movements causing an episode lmao but hopefully this guy is better and he has access to all of my neurosurgeon’s notes and stuff. I can’t keep dehydrating myself but at the same time I can’t let my head get so bad I make a farewell note for my mom, you know? it’s just been really bad and I don’t know how to get people to listen to me. I have a 99% diagnosis and they still don’t take me as seriously as they should. this has ruined my quality of life and they would have you believe that doctors take that seriously but they do not neurosurgeon wants me to see an ophthalmologist again cause of my vision issues and to check for specific things that relate to IIH. he wants another MRI done in early may cause it’s been a year since my last one by then (actually a month later, my last one was in april, but I’m curious if the neurologist will order one sooner) to check to see if anything has worsened so yeah living in absolute hell again and don’t know if I can just get a simple one week diuretic to get this fluid out of my body. what the FUCK else can it be when I’ve experienced this exact thing twice!! before. it happened to a much, much lesser degree the first time I got on the chemo pill. but the same shit :) hanging on by the thinnest thread guys and 15 months of feeling like I’m going to die almost every single day through that has destroyed my psyche. destroyed me as a person. I don’t know what to do anymore sorry this is all a lot of Bad™ but it’s been a lot of bad for 15 months. if I can keep going, I hope one day to be able to give an update of improvement love you all

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

[humanemotionssuck]

Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

wanted to pick your brain to some q’s about this situation. don’t mean to play 20 questions w you but I would rather read an intelligent and thought out answer than listen to the insufferable trolls on twitter.

- do you think this decision has been coming or was it made recently?

- do you think zck was blindsided by the demotion because he had always gotten away with stuff before?

- why do you think z was only was only demoted instead of being fired/terminated?

- will it affect b/sarah’s friendship with kala/z? (maybe not because they were just together for kala’s birthday)

- how difficult do you think the decision/conversation w zck was for b?

- do you think this will weaken b/zck friendship?

- will b ever realize how toxic this friendship is and walk away? or will they always have a friendship in some form?

i think it’s been in the works a while.

i bet he’s surprised that he got consequences.

he’s been b’s friend for 15 years, (a) best friend even for much of that time, and i think he’s one of the guys that b changes who he is around to the point where parts of that become him (the mask, at some point, becomes who you are). i also think b really rebels against being told what to do, as he’s said before, so anything that goes against that mormon upbringing, he runs towards, and zack generally represents the antitheses of it to him (it being forbidden by the church, makes it desirable to him). (the false but omnipresent dichotomy, esp in the states, of religiosity vs hints of the vegas strip as a kid/porn/liberalism, a particular view of sexual and other freedom based in snubbing one’s nose at religion when said view of sex is actually based on/dependent on religion’s vision, paring down and definition of sex is related heavily to this and plays out with b i think eg porn must be good because it’s a fuck you to religion, when really, porn looks as it does precisely because of religion.)

kala, zack, b, and sarah are all friends and that would make things even more awkward if they fired him outright to boot. 

there’s been posts on nicole’s, kala’s, etc instagram of them still hanging with him through this summer so... i’m not sure it did. it’s hard because there is a massive rumour mill going around with diff celebs this summer and so i think it reached the point where there’s automatic distrust for anonymous drive-by and delete allegations (which frankly, should be subject to factchecking were possible and not automatically believed if anon shortlived accounts are all/almost all there is). there’s also the massive pileon on b that started about a month after firezackhall/dismisszackhall did, which was mostly taking things out of context, very very implausible sexual assault & harassment allegations, & as things went on, more and more flat out false or made up out of nothing (there’s been several accusations that i have no idea where they come from eg that ggb is about him wanting to “turn” a lesbian straight, him using the word dyke as a slur, forcible rape, regularly exposing his genitals on stage, etc)

with zack, it mostly wasn’t anonymous, but it was still more obscure twitter accounts (eg we don’t know the real life person behind the account even if it is an account that’s been around a while), aside from breezy, dallon, and in recent days, ian (and his sister, two ex girlfriends also said their experiences with zack were unpleasant to him being insulting about ian to sexist/harassing of them). i got the niggling feeling that b’s stream brushed aside b, d and i’s disclosures (focused clearly on fan disclosures/experiences), but that may have been because he’s addressing them privately/in person/one on one.

i think it was really difficult for him. i also think some of the things brought in weren’t... bad and i think muddled the process too (eg him pushing the girl that was running full tilt at b was justified imo and shouldn't have been used to say he should be fired, even how the one where b and zack were mobbed at the airport while b had a panic attack was used... inappropriately?, some of the stuff was just his brusque humor and not bigoted, i thought what he said about taylor swift was ok and not this big predatory “he’s a danger to her how could b let him be in the same room with her” thing, the fact he said that fan drawing wasn’t good but could only get better was fine by me not him being this big meanie).

i also think that second society article from nov 2 was really unethical and gross. and i don’t like zack overall (breezy, zack, ian, some of his tweets eg the drawing saying that girls control males from toddlerhood through our vaginas/vulvas, his use of nonconsensual porn inc screenshotting fans nudes on instagram and turning them into nonconsensual porn by saving them and reposting them/making the wallpaper, calling that poor girl blow job girl not just once, but telling others and calling her it again). but it was a hit piece and really inappropriately used his criminal past of over 20 years ago, including when he was a homeless teenager, most of which were poverty-driven crimes (theft, larceny, break and enter, driving violations, he’s also admitted to drug dealing/consumption, and he also drove/bodyguarded women in escort prostitution, although based on what he said, this wasn’t pimping aka taking a large portion eg 40% plus of their earnings) and not directly violent against others. there is one assault charge that we know of, from over 20 years ago, and we don’t know the context. shameful even of them to use his past like that.i would also like to remind people going after zack for this past and thinking it reveals something dreadful and evil about him that *brendon* used to not only use (hard drugs too), but be the delivery boy for weed, and later deal drugs (eg percocets). (b’s talked about this for years, most recently on twitch, and zack’s discussed his past on kala’s podcast.)

most of what zack’s done and been accused of (as in, while with panic, the sexual harassment, mocking disabled people, sexualized misogny, etc) is within the realm of normalized, widespread male behaviour. finding fault with his behaviour with/treatment of others would mean finding fault with most men and aggregate (average/overall) male behaviour. including in what some of what b has done (some of which is speculative on my part, some of which is known eg violent sex comments, misogynist slurs, online porn consumption). 

i don’t know the inner workings of their relationship, and am only going on some hints. what breezy said in that comment months ago (that zack is a bad influence on b, has cost b good friendships) says a lot to me and she liked a post recently where another expressed shock/anger at b still being friends with zack. but i don’t know if i would consider b a victim of zack  he does seem to be gaslighting him to a degree, although it also has to do with what i said above about it being in the realm of normal and him being drawn to what zack is and represents (rebelling against shoulds and oughts and mustn’ts... eg swearing is bad according to the parents and church, so all "bad words” must really be good/desirable/said). he’s also got anxiety, depression disorders which play into fears, isolation, plus the covid lockdown of this year which isolates him even further. i do believe the four of them (b, zack, sarah, kala) are living together now with the lockdown? correct me if i’m wrong; i’d have to rewatch lockdown streams. 

the fact ian also came out about zack on top of breezy and dallon has me wondering why b was and is such good friends with him. why does he like him so much? i admit, i used to like him a lot of the time in streams even when he was an acquired taste (eg he jokes around a lot, is rarely serious, a lot of sarcasm, being sardonic, deadpan, honesty and not lying but to the point where it can be a little much), some of his twitter but considering what those three alone have said... does he feel that isolated without him? the fact zack is bisexual may also play a role in their friendship (eg he has other nonstraight male friends, esp when he was younger i don’t think b had many straight male friends and had more female friends), but that’s speculative and i don’t think that’d play a big role. 

i’m not sure what b has taken in/seen, what he knows from before, what he knows now, what he knows to be true, what people have told him directly and is credible, so i don’t know if this will change things/make him see him in a different light. like what did he know about zack’s dynamic with and treatment of dallon and breezy before? what did he think of it then? what does he know now? what did breezy and dallon tell him at the time? did they tell him anything recently? show him?

[soundsosweeet]

okay so this is just a rant and i’m posting here bc the least amount of people know about my account lol so feel free to skip (it’s more for myself anyway bc it’s so hard for me to discuss with other people since my sister is home all the time)

so i guess this all started this summer (well not technically but that’s when things started to actually happen)... we have a family groupchat on imessage with me, my sister, and laura’s (my sister’s partner) family (laura is white and so is her immediate family...) and this past spring it was brought to the gc’s attention by my sister that people were basically stocking up on guns and ammo as a response to covid by trump supporters bc he called it the china virus. laura’s dad, of course, who tries to avoid conflict at all costs, tries to change the subject to be more lighthearted and one of his other children, laura’s younger sister notices this and acknowledges it in the gc. later on that morning, my sister made a very important observation and brought it to the gc. i have pointed out before that 3 out of 5 children in this family are with asian people to laura and she expressed that the thought didn’t even cross her mind. the other two siblings are 1) not in a relationship and 2) with another white person. anyway, how do you not notice something like this?? something so blatantly obvious. and it’s not like they all JUST got with these people. they’ve been together and/or married for YEARS.... anyway my sister basically said all of this in the gc, and pointing out how laura’s dad was trying to deflect and change the subject. she pointed out how it must be easier for them to not talk about racism, esp towards asian people. laura kinda backed her up but of course, the bare minimum support. she never says anything to her family esp her parents about anything serious ever. unless my sister points it out to her bc laura is just so oblivious. they’ve been together for what like 17 years and my sister only started to speak up about her negative experiences with laura’s parents a few years ago but she has had to endure racist comments a lot over the years. she has told me this and has expressed her frustration to me about laura and her family. i think she started to talk to me about this bc she knew that i’d understand and she wanted me to help her put these things that she was feeling and experiencing into words that would help laura and her family (mostly her parents) understand what they’ve been saying to her these past several years at times were very offensive. going back to the story in the gc, laura’s younger sister backed up their father and was basically trying to say that he wasn’t trying to go against my sister at all, he was just trying to avoid the subject bc of very stupid reasons in my opinion, she said her father was trying to “steer the conversation away from stockpiling ammunition and general doomsday predictions. This is undeniably bringing out the worst in humanity, but we as a family don’t need to be feeding each others’ fears about it.” like okay.... i’m sorry you’re uncomfortable???? but my sister is right. they never talk about these things (as expressed by laura after having to be asked by my sister) and they need to. it’s long overdue. this was the first part of laura’s sister’s message to the gc in response to my sister, before what she said about steering the convo away from the guns and ammo: “We’re all frustrated right now and it is boiling over. Racism is unjust and sometimes fatal and  it’s absolutely justified to be mad as hell about all of this. And you’re right that sometimes we all avoid the topic of race and racism because we can’t find the right words to skillfully address them or we just don’t try hard enough to. I’m very saddened to hear that on top of everything else, some people are having to fear racially motivated backlash right now and in general.” i really don’t think they’ll understand or ever truly try to understand.. they don’t even want to talk about it!! that’s where my other frustration comes in. with laura. i get that in her own way she’s been trying to help my sister and get her family to talk about all of this but in my eyes, it’s not enough. my sister always raves about how laura is this nice, caring, and understanding person. but i feel like that only is true for things that are directly related to her, or things that are only within her comfort zone. and this kind of conversation, esp with her family, outside of her parents, is outside of her comfort zone. she has also expressed that doing these kinds of things (like having serious conversations) brings her great anxiety which is understandable, but in my eyes, she is using her anxiety as an excuse rather than an explanation. idk if that makes any sense but in other words, i feel that she is using the anxiety that this situation brings her as an excuse not to talk about it or have the least amount of involvement in it. but my sister believes that she is the key to open up the conversation that needs to be had, with her family. i think my sister is right. look how quickly they shot my sister down. they’re not going to listen to her. but they will listen to their beloved daughter. so she needs to create that bridge. and she says that she is trying and i guess she is but i feel like again, it’s bare minimum, if that really. anyway after that comment by laura’s sister, my sister left the gc and the convo in the gc was normal by the next day. same old lighthearted photos and comments and white people humor that i never seem to understand. and just recently, laura’s dad added my sister back to the family gc like WHAT LMAO. i just don’t get it. i mean i guess i do bc to them it doesn’t directly affect them, so they don’t care as much but fuck dude, like this family’s shit!!!! i hate it here lol. 

related but also different story, time, place, etc. so we’ve been living in this house for about 6 months now. this city, as big and diverse as it is, we i guess got stuck around literal trump supporters lol like just my luck really. how do we know that?? well when i look at all the wifi networks, “Trump 2020″ comes up as an option. and it is still there even though he lost. anyway. another example, well idk if they’re trump supporters but i’m making an educated guess bc our neighbors across the way have this huge lit up US flag. like it’s the US flag made up of lights and they turn it on every evening since we got here.... in september. idk how long they had it up before we moved in but man, it’s literally been up and lit every night since we moved in in september like ???? i thought they would take it down after christmas like bc it would make sense, bc they were gonna take down their christmas lights anyway but nope. they took everything else down but the flag!!!! not our whole neighborhood is like that though, or it doesn’t seem to be. you know those yard signs (i know this is bare minimum too but it kinda gives me hope after the whole wifi and flag thing) that are like “love is love, black lives matter” and all that?? omg i found it, it’s this:

anyway so i see these around too, in addition to american flags and shit. but i was walking my dog one day in broad daylight, i think it was like around 3pm. i was on my own street like on the way home, and i had just crossed the street bc we live on a main street i guess and there are a lot of side streets, so i was just crossing one of the side streets but still stayed on the same side and everything. this car pulls up to the stop sign that i just passed, and by back is facing them, and this guy that sounds about my age like early twenties maybe a bit older was like “HEY LADY WHY ARE YOU WALKING YOUR DINNER. WHY IS THE DOG EATER WALKING HER DOG. WHY ARE YOU WALKING YOUR MEAL.” and just a bunch of variations of essentially the same thing. i know they were trying to get me to turn around when they just kept on going, repeating basically the same phrase. the guy even yelled at me to turn around but i didn’t. the whole time i was looking forward and just kept walking. i also believe he was in the passenger seat but that’s just the way the car was facing like the passenger seat would’ve been the closest to me. i think i heard whoever was in the driver’s seat like chuckling after the guy’s first sentence. i was so scared. i was so scared they were gonna follow me home. i was almost home like i was already on my street!! luckily they didn’t follow me home, and they turned left after they were done harassing me. if they turned right though, then i would’ve been even more scared that they would stop the car and try to hurt me. this old guy who was in front of his house heard everything that happened though and i think saw the guy who was yelling at me and the car that they were in. as i was passing his house, he asked me if i was okay, and of course i lied and said “yes i’m okay, thank you” and kept walking. what else was i supposed to do. idk. i rushed home after that though. this car even drove by me and stopped just ahead of me and i thought they came back but i think they were just lost bc as i was approaching the car, they drove off, probably looking at directions or something. so how this is related to what i was talking about at first... laura told her family about this. her parents and her younger sister (the one that defended her dad earlier). all they had to say was “i’m sorry that happened to you” essentially. like i grocery shop for her parents bc they’re old and you know less exposure and i don’t mind it at all, but anyway when i was dropping the groceries off at their house, laura’s mom asked if i could talk for a minute on the porch and i said yes and she was basically like “laura told me about what happened to you last week” and i was just like “oh” bc i knew that laura told them but i wasn’t expecting either of her parents to actually talk to me about it bc ya know like they always try to avoid talking about serious shit. but she was like “i’m so sorry that happened to you. that’s horrible. there’s still terrible, incredibly racist people out there.” and i was like yeah bro i know in my head lol like ???? there have been many incidents recently that are much worse than mine surrounding asian people esp the elderly, and she never mentioned any of that. just what happened to me. idk it just bothers me that they only really “care” when something happens. i mean they never actually do anything after the fact but they only say shit like that or wanna talk about it when something bad happens to me?? fucked up.

also just some other problems i have with laura (i’m copy/pasting from my notes app lol and adding stuff to it if i feel like it needs more context or whatever):

(i guess this is more about my sister and laura’s relationship and not just laura...) how do express that i’m not part of their relationship. ofc i wanna help my sister bc i know she has a hard time explaining these kinds of things bc she’s explicitly told me and bc i know she’s had to keep quiet or felt like she’s needed to keep quiet for a long time but i’m not part of their relationship. i shouldn’t have to be this person in the middle trying to relay what my sister is feeling to laura so that it’s clear and easy to understand for her white ass fucking brain. bc also the truth is that laura should already know. she’s only ever been with women of color that i know of and i know she’s not oblivious about the history this country has with people of color. she must know something at least but when it comes to her family making weird remarks about asians, she either doesn’t catch it or doesn’t defend my sister. only recently has my sister been comfortable telling laura that these things happen, that she feels uncomfortable with some of the things laura’s parents say whether they’re directed at her or not. and my sister even left the family groupchat bc she tried to say something to the whole family specifically something laura’s dad said about asians being targeted for “causing covid” (not just her parents but the extended family, two of her siblings are also with asian people) but got a negative response (from her dad and her sister) and so she felt the need to leave. they’ve been together for so long like 17 years?? and all of this is just being addressed now but my sister feels that laura isn’t doing enough to make her parents understand the things that my sister has gone through throughout her life and the racism she’s faced and now the heightened amount of racism other asian people are facing. and she’s also scared bc she’s not straight, obviously she’s with laura but laura’s white. and ofc she’s not straight either but she’s still white and that will always come first bc it’s what people are able to see. so when my sister is “being paranoid” about the people who live around us finding out about them because laura’s parents want to give them my sister and laura’s info just in case something happens, laura can’t quite explain my sister’s reasoning to her parents the way that she wants her too. she thinks that laura is sugarcoating these things for them and she doesn’t know why - does she think they won’t understand?? is she just protecting them?? who tf knows. but my sister knows for sure that if they aren’t told straight up why my sister is so scared, then they’ll never understand and they’ll keep trying to do things like this. and ofc i get why my sister is scared, ofc i don’t fully understand but i can imagine why. 

also i just believe that laura is ignorant (and chooses to be). which really sucks, again bc from what i know she has only been with women of color, her ex and my sister. at least those are the only two relationships that i’ve heard of. but i know she also graduated undergrad with a degree in sociology. i know times have changed and that she might not have learned all of the things that i have learned in my sociology classes but fuck man. she’s really gonna limit herself to learning about these things in a classroom esp when we already know our education is targeted towards and favors white people (esp back then, like early 2000s)?? yikes. i don’t understand how one who is not only with someone esp for this long but also got a degree in this kind of stuff just isn’t interested in keeping themselves informed and educated. like just bc you’re with a person of color doesn’t just give you this pass or all the knowledge that you need to know bc guess what, my sister doesn’t even understand all the things that we do (like at this summer, at the peak of the blm protests, my sister asked me “what about asians, why aren’t people talking about how asian people have suffered during the pandemic”). but i know my sister is at least kinda trying. she reads things every day to keep herself informed and also attends virtual discussions. laura does not. my sister has even told me. she works and that’s it. and she says that she understands that laura has anxiety and that these sorts of topics make her really anxious. but i think she’s just scared. i mean i don’t want to undermine her anxiety at all. that’s not what i’m trying to do. i just think that she’s using it more as an excuse rather than like an explanation, if that makes any sense. i just don’t know what to do bc this really frustrates me. and i feel a lot of pressure bc my sister has no one else to talk about it with. and i obviously want to help her and she talks to me bc she knows that i know these things and can help her put these things into words for her so that she can explain everything to laura. but laura gets reeeeeally defensive. and that’s also really annoying. she just shuts down and closes herself off. bc it’s like she doesn’t even try to understand and that’s what i don’t understand about her and this whole thing about her being “nice” and supportive or whatever. this is what my sister has told me and my cousins. that laura is the nicest person in the world. and she’s the one who has told me many times that “anyone can be nice.” and i’m not saying that laura isn’t nice, bc i think she is but i still think that she keeps that kindness and generosity and caring/compassion within her own circle. like she doesn’t necessarily try to do anything for people that aren’t directly within her circle of things she cares about or directly relates to her. she will only donate to organizations that she has a connection to but not the ones that don’t necessarily relate to her like literally anything that involved black people this summer. it didn’t even seem like a possibility to her. it just angers me so much that she’s painted as this really nice, caring person but she doesn’t even care enough to really understand her own partner’s struggles and stand up to her parents for her when she needs her to without being asked. i know it takes time to notice these things especially as a white person bc it’s not really stuff they’re used to noticing or whatever but shit. it’s the least she can do. really. like it’s about time. 

and an update from the present bc the points i made above were from january (right after the incident walking my dog). laura has a new position now at work. she’s the temp assistant nurse manager bc someone left so they asked her to take on the position. she’s only temp bc she technically could be the permanent one but she doesn’t want to do it since they apparently don’t do as much hands-on patient stuff and that’s what she likes to do i guess. it’s more paperwork i believe than she’s used to with her regular position. anyway, before she took on this new position, my sister told me she talked to laura about how even before, she didn’t really help around the house at all. like she’d come home after work and just sleep or dick around. meanwhile, my sister also works all day, cooks, cleans/does laundry (for the house but also her own AND laura’s which i’ve told her more than once is ridiculous.. that she does laura’s laundry), does grocery shopping, etc. like basically everything else, in addition to me, bc i also do a lot of stuff around the house. i also cook, i clean, and i take care of the dog, and go grocery shopping w my sister too sometimes. but the only thing laura really does (and she doesn’t even do it anymore since she started with this new position) was walk the dog. truthfully, i haven’t had the courage to go out again by myself to walk the dog since that happened to me. and i feel like i eventually will but idk. so my sister basically told her if you take this position, you need to promise me you’re gonna try even harder to help me/us around the house. bc her shift time has also switched like instead of coming home around 8pm, she now gets home around 3pm, so much more daylight and time in general to be helping around the house. but guess what. nothing has changed. i haven’t spoken to my sister about it or how she feels, whether or not she thinks that laura is getting better about helping around the house but at least imo, nothing has changed. if anything she sleeps more bc she gets up so early for work now so she naps when she gets home, and nothing gets done bc she has such a hard time getting up after she takes a nap. annoying. 

and an addition to what i was saying about how laura completely shuts down when we talk about her and her family, like how they don’t do shit about anything: when we were talking a couple weeks ago about what happened last spring in the family group chat, laura said that she had texted her sister about the situation to get her honest opinion about what happened and ask her why she responded in the way that she did (defending their dad). my sister and i kept asking laura to tell us exactly how their convo went. and she would look at her phone and tell us pieces. i could tell she was leaving stuff out bc while she was looking at her phone, she’d pause and not say anything, as if she was reading and not tell us bc it would upset us, and then continue on a couple seconds later about the stuff she thought was okay to say. she just didn’t want us to shit on her sister. i could feel it. i even asked her if i could just read the text convo rather than her “reading” it to us, bc she wasn’t actually reading everything and i thought it would be easier than her trying to explain everything they had already talked about. she hesitated then said no, she didn’t want me to read. my sister asked why and she just stayed silent. laura always says that she says to her family and feels that she “just wants to open up a conversation.” okay then what is this?? she’s not even telling us everything!! my sister asked her again why she doesn’t want us to read the texts. she asks “are you afraid we’ll get mad at her (her sister)??” and laura replies yes. my sister says why?? give us a summary of what she said if you don’t wanna read word for word. laura says her sister is just defending their dad and is angry towards my sister, targeting her anger towards my sister bc of what she said in the gc. laura’s sister feels that my sister was specifically targeting her anger at their dad at the time and she was still mad about that. do you see what i’m saying?? this family is fucked. laura does not want to open up a conversation from what i’m seeing. when we’re against her and her family, she doesn’t wanna talk. if we wanna talk generally about racism and homophobia, she’s okay with it. how can you say you wanna “open up a conversation” and not converse or only talk about the stuff that isn’t as difficult to talk about???? but my sister tried to get laura to tell us more by adding that if she told us, we could help her formulate a response she can send to her sister to help her understand where my sister was coming from. laura still refused to tell us. and i still haven’t seen those texts yet and i don’t think i ever will. and i don’t think laura will even talk to us about their conversations anymore. she’s too scared. and that’s all i can think of rn lol. i might update this later but yeah..

[intoxicatingswift]

the 1:

God the line if my wishes came true it would've been you OK THAT HIT

this feels like a iftye but like folklore version

UGH THE BRIDGE ACTUALLY HIT why was this my exact mood yesterday I already called it I knew I needed this album

cardigan:

can i just say im here for taylors lower tone

A FRIEND TO ALL IS A FRIEND TO NONE ok facts

the Peter losing Wendy line really got me cuz that used to be a thing w me n some1 *cries*

chasing shadows in the grocery line nooo

this is like an other side of the door but folkmore IDK IT JUST REMINDS ME OF IT

the last great american dynasty:

god i had to restart it 3 times my fam r so noisy pls.

i really feel like the stripped back style of production really allows taylors lyrics and storytelling within songs to shine. like ive got the maddest mental images of screaming matches between Rebecca and bills family and small town style rumours passing from someone to another

mental music video basically and also u can see the strength of rebecca which is only paralleled by smth ive experienced from books/TV? imagine the skill it takes to tell such a story in a few minutes that people see in 358 pages or 12 1hr installations

EXILE YES BON IVER:

can u tell im excited for this one

ughhh his harmonies are always *chef's kiss*

side note this rly is pushing me and giving me a better sense of identity for the sort of music I want to make thank u Taylor 🥺

god taylor urs and bon ivers voices go together so beautifully u both know how to make a harmony so good

the metaphors are so.... UGH I LOVE

my tears ricochet:

im in love with the vocalising in the intro omg

if I'm on fire you'll be made of ashes too yes hunger games let's go (no for real I just re read it and loved it again so)

ok no the lyrics on this one just HIT me particularly even tho I'm gonna say that on every song OK

I feel like theres a lwymmd ref in here 😶

the line I didn't have it in myself to go with grace spoke to me like i feel like that was extracted directly from my brain

still can't believe we actually got a whole album wth

mirrorball:

MIRRORBALL U COUNTRY BEAUTY

this song just feels like calm vibes as a blanket, stolen kisses

bro.... i literally wrote half a song with the lyrics that have the same gist of the bridge the whole idea of the circus no longer existing and yet u still feel like u have to perform for that one person cause u need to prove that they made the wrong choice leaving i

seven:

God her voice is hauntingly beautiful here

and though I can't recall your face I still got love for you what a beautiful way to express that you're always loved by someone even if you're no longer close, you live in memories and that's 100% enough and you're enough

THE ENTIRE SECOND VERSE IS ME AND MY FRIENDS AS TEENAGERS? God that hurt especially bc the sentiment of my prev things applies to those same people

SHOUT OUT TO INDIA TAYLOR I FEEL SO SEEN RN LMAO

august:

ahhhhh we had cruel summer and now we have august

"lost in the memory" is one of my favourite lyrics anyway and now taylors used it i

did taylor find out like the story of my life 2016- present bc like this seriously hits the "you were never mine" and the emphasis on August i

OK THE BRIDGE WAS MEEEEEE OH MY GOD how do i write my shitty album when this *gestures to entire folklore aggressively* exists.

oh the outro :( whoever said this is taylors melodrama was onto smth fr

this is me trying:

just looking at the lyrics is this ootw; the next chapter 👁️👄👁️

this is so beautifully sad

you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town okkkkkkkkkkk wow 🥺

illicit affairs:

why do i feel like this is joe and tays story post met gala👁️

YOU SHOWED ME COLOURS IS SUCH A METAPHORICALLY DEEP AND BEAUTIFUL LINE HI OOTW REFERENCE

invisible string omg OK I claimed this one pre listen:

oh crap the colour references already spoke to me bc long ago I had a concept to link songs to colours

also the idea of storybook romance as well with the "used to think I'd meet somebody there"

i love the invisible string theory also oh my god

BAD BLOOD OMG this is such a random detail abt how Joe heard bad blood the first time he was in LA and I love it

LMAO not taylor getting recognised on their anniversary trip 😭

also can i just say the plucking strings keeping the same rhythm/volume the way through somehow contributes to the invisible string theory i loooooveeeeee the lyric/music matching here (did i just somehow compare this to vq matching? think so ok maybe there's hope for me as a medic yet 💀)

taylor rly said fuck adam tom and whoever else Joe is it

OK THE REFERENCES TO GOLD HI DWOHT

ALSO PURPLE PINK SKIES HELLO INTHAF AKA MY STAN SONG WHICH EVERYONE SLEEPS ON

safe to say i made a correct choice stanning this song pre listen ahahaah

mad woman:

the chords on this i am in love, the chaos of the string instruments yessss

here for the strength lol

this is i did something bad but quiet scary angry version

CALLED IT HELLO IDSB REFERENCE

ugh the delicacy in how the words are pronounced in the second chorus shows how hurt and strong u can be simultaneously

mirrored ofc by the soft piano and percussion of hand claps ugh taylor im so happy u made this album

epiphany:

im getting let it all go vibes from this also bon iver

oh it's coronavirus :( yeah

side note wear a mask this seriously was unprecedented and ik at my work (icu) while I was FT we had a couple boxes of antiviral ppe and I did a shift just as things got bad here and it was all completely gone. at the time we'd only had a couple query covid cases so pls. WEAR A MASK ESP U LOT ON THE TUBE/TFL RAIL

i feel like this song reflects how slow the pain can be when ur losing someone like literally watching their breaths slow and also the emotional pain.

betty:

omg this is one of the teenager love story three aaahhhhh it's so cute BUT I SERIOUSLY REMEMBER THE TEENAGE ANGST oh man i Really do

also hello country tay

ugh all ur stupid friends it seriously sounds like 17 year old boy 😭

peace:

LOVE THAT GUITAR RIFF YES AM SO HERE FOR THAT

I made good choices in the songs I chose pre listen all of this is literal poetry and I'm so glad I can focus on the lyrics more because of the production yes i know I already said that

DREAMSCAPES I LOVE THAT WORD I WAS JUST THINKING I NEED TO INCORPORATE IT INTO A SONG

the i-i-id in I'd swing with you for the fences, the delicacy in "give you a child"

now I see your brother as my brother hello paper rings reference (it's not even but yall know)

the rain (paps/media) can well and truly fuck off

"would it be enough if I could never give you peace" actual poetry.

hoax:

i love the dainty piano ugh that HIGH night

the octave differences on the chorus

don't want no other shade of blue hello paper rings

OK this one has a lot to unpack tbh i probably will pore over this like the English poetry i missed out on by choosing stem

also fuck kimberly lmao

[selfcareparker]

hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)