#creating this has been a RIDE

[captainshadowgirllostfan]

I'm definitely going to have to finish Black Sails especially since Once Upon a Time has been completely disappointing in terms of pirate materials

[darkmagenugget]

Over 9 years ago, I started playing ffxiv. 7 of those years Been in the same free company. (Awesome people, by the way.) Started getting a little nostalgic and realized SO MUCH has happened in that time, and tge me of 9 years ago would NEVER believe all of it or where we ended up so far.

Here's all that's happened in that time (in terms of life changing events and self discoveries)

- I have gone through several jobs

- Moved many, many times

- Came out as trans

- Made a whole webcomic series

- Made more friends through those webcomics

- Figured out I am extroverted not introverted. (That was a shock)

- Got a wonderful girlfriend

- Realized I was plural through help of friends

- Realized not only do I count as a furry, but also therian through the help of friends

- As a result of all of that, I am now a Fennec Fox Kitsune, and a shapeshifter, sharing a body with a transformation witch, a gremlin, a crystal fairy, an elf, and gentle buff woman.

It sounds crazy. It probably is. But gods it's a result I wouldn't trade for anything. And this journey of realizations started with making my character and meeting friends.

Every journey starts with a step, and that was mine.

I don't think the dork who drew this at the time would realize...

This is how it turns out in her future and is happier for it.

[campbyler]

WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM

[fierykitten2]

Pointless playlist of the day: Maybe someday I’ll listen to these feat No Surrender by Judas Priest and Can I Play With Madness by Iron Maiden

[hiratelier]

Many thoughts running through my head as I prepare to upload my last UTAU cover of the year because I'll barely touch the silly singing robot program next year when I have more exciting things to work on...but even then it feels like you're saying goodbye to a close friend you've been with for almost 9 years

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

people in bad's chat were saying it's a really popular theory..... .and also including the grieving arc as if it was all one post but thats NOTTT my words that's @/kadextra's we just got reposted together ....... im being so dramatic on purpose but this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me fandom-wise and it deserves to be memorialized.

[stealthnoodle]

Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist Characters: Persona 5 Protagonist, Akechi Goro

Additional Tags: Post-Canon, The Elevator Game, Rough Sex, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Consent Play, Choking, Breathplay, Gun Kink, Switching, (But in This Case Mostly), Unhinged Bottom Persona 5 Protagonist, Concerned Top Akechi Goro, Getting the Sex and Death Wires Crossed, Attempted Consensual Temporary Murder, Consensual Temporary Murder Blue Balls, Top Drop, Aftercare, Resolved Trauma That Whoops Isn't, Duelling, discussion of mental health issues, Referenced past suicide, Shadow Operative Akechi Goro, Career-Repulsed Persona 5 Protagonist, Second-Hand Cameos of Characters from Earlier Persona Games, Chatting & Messaging, Quarter-life crises

Series: Part 4 of Demolition as a Love Language Summary:

Ren watched closely, trying to commit the sequence to memory. Four, two, six, two—

Goro caught him staring and broke into an unpleasant grin. "By the by, I wonder which of us has more digits of pi memorized? I'll start. Three point one four—"

Ten. When Ren tried to cover his ears, Goro used his free hand to capture one of Ren's.

"One five nine, two six five, three five eight, nine—"

Five, one. That seemed to be the end of it, or at least another break to avoid the elevator stopping at floors out of order. The first number had been—

"Seven nine three. I'll confess that I'm not confident after the fifteenth digit. Your turn."

Four, two... three? Fuck. Ren blew out an annoyed breath before replying, "I dunno, I always used twenty-two over seven."

The Shadow Operatives have been investigating an elevator that connects to another world. While Ren has no interest in joining the team, he has plenty of interest in his boyfriend's invitation to sneak in and relive their glory days in the Metaverse. And he's definitely not trying to avoid dealing with any difficult feelings about where he is in life right now, not one bit.

[psuejo]

❥ tied him down to my queen bed!

“fuuuck, baby—”

never in toji fushiguro’s thirty-eight years of living has he let himself get tied up. not during jobs, always too quick and nimble to even let them get close, nor when he was sleeping around. he was always on top, always the one tying them down and fucking them silly.

yet here he is, thick wrists and ankles bound to the posts of your bedframe, legs spread just for you. he can’t help it, not when you’re bouncing on his dick like a see-saw, a repetitive up and down that has those lightning veins dragging through your gooey insides.

“mmmgh, s-shit,” he moans, and it teeters off into a breathy chuckle, practically drowning in feigned confidence. even now, toji still wants to save face with that wobbly smirk on his face, though you definitely know better.

god, he feels like a teenager again, balls heavy and aching cock sensitive to every slight flutter and suctioning clamp of your sweet pussy. it’s like you’ve cast a spell on him, made him weak to your soft touches, the gentle bat of your long lashes, the feeling of your reverent lips peppering his face in endless kisses whenever he returns from a job.

that’s precisely how he ended up like this, tied down to your bed with just a small pout of your glossy lips and a few low, choice words whispered into his ear that’d had his pants instantly growing tight.

it hasn’t even been ten minutes, and toji’s ready to cum. you see it in the way his eyes keep fluttering like he’s having to fight the urge to let them roll back, how his hips don’t stop bucking up into you, shoving his dick in deep enough to create that perfect, cylindrical bulge in your tummy that has him drooling with endless moans and barely bitten off whimpers.

“c’mon, doll, un... mmf— untie me.” his hands flex, testing the barely sufficient restraints. “lemme f-fuck you right. that’s what ya want, y-yeah? jus’ untie me, baby, hah—”

you shake your head, hands on his chest as you up your pace, a familiar pressure building low in your spine. “you p-promised, toji.”

he did promise, he knows that, and he hates breaking them, but with the way you’re now swiveling your hips in torturous figure-eights, snug cunt milking him for all he’s worth, he is genuinely not gonna last.

“baby, pleaseee? you feel s-so fucking good, toji, god—” your voice is as sweet as ever, making the thick walls around toji’s mind melt into goopy, lovesick puddles and his balls draw up tight.

he doesn’t mean to cum before you, honest, but when you’re talking to him like that and riding him so good, he can’t help but pump thick, hot ropes of cum right into your womb, jaw slack for a long, whiny groan.

you don’t even get the chance to process the tears in his eyes before the ropes snap, two big hands coming down on your waist and flipping you right onto your back.

“toji, hnngh, wait—!”

your boyfriend just gives a rough shake of his head, the ropes sliding free from his wrists and ankles as he hikes your legs around his waist. his dark fringe falls in front of his face, and, for a foolish moment, you think he’s going to listen.

but toji has never been good at being submissive for long, even with you.

with a rough snap of his hips, he slams home, pushing that previous load of cum even deeper. “n-nah. ‘s my turn now.”

[holeforzenin]

˖ ࣪⭑ BEING NEEDY AND WAKING TOJI AT NIGHT <3

Tw - slight somno in the beginning, kinda mean toji. Not proofread as always.

It’s what, 1 in the morning? And he’s suddenly jolted awake, panting. His broad chest is glistening with sweat and his eyes are all blurry and tired. He had to go to bed earlier than usual because he has to be up around 4 am to get a head start on his new mission in the morning.

But you’ve been abruptly woken up from a wet dream— needy, aching, and desperate for some relief that only Toji could grant you. Your fingers moved instinctively, teasing your clit and dipping them in your drooling hole, searching for that familiar wave of pleasure but it just wasn’t enough.

It didn’t feel nearly as good as when Toji’s cock is stretching you open and ruining you. But then you remembered he was lying right there beside you so why not???

He lets out a deep groan from the feeling of your cunt suddenly fluttering around him as you sink down on his length. Your warm, wet cunt squeezing him in a way that yanks him out of his half-asleep state. His brow furrows together, lips parting as he grunts, still surprised and dazed.

“The fuck…?” His voice is hoarse, thick with exhaustion but there’s no real bite to it— just confusion as his calloused hands instinctively find your hips, holding you firmly in place. His fingers twitch like he’s debating whether to stop you or help you.

“Toji”, you whine softly, slowly rolling your hips. Your hands rest on his chest, feeling the heat of his skin under your fingertips. “Need you so bad”.

He sighs, head lolling back against the pillow. “You gotta be kiddin’ me”, he mutters, voice still laced with sleep. He’s so fucking tired. He should be scolding you and flipping you over, making you wait till morning like a bratty slut like you deserve. But the way your tight little cunt clenches around him, sucking him in deeper, quickly made his body betray him. His fat cock twitches inside you, growing fully hard and stiff despite his obvious exhaustion.

“Fucking horny slut”, he grunts, rubbing a rough palm down his face before roughly gripping your hip. His other hand slides up your plushy thigh, fingers digging into the soft flesh. “Can’t even let me sleep in peace, huh?”.

You swiftly shake your head, biting your lips and bracing your hands against his big chest as you rock against him, dragging his cock against every sensitive spot inside you.

“M’sorry, I tried” you admit breathlessly, cheeks flushed. “But my fingers weren’t enough”.

Toji exhales sharply through his nose. You’re gonna fucking kill him one day, he swears. He slides a hand up your back, forcefully pressing you down against his muscular chest, making you gasp as your nipples graze against his warm skin frictionally.

“Greedy fucking thing” he murmurs, lips brushing against your temple. “You wanna get fucked that bad huh? How bout you do the work then”.

His hands leave your hips as he leans back, resting his arms behind his head like he’s getting comfortable. A smirk tugs at his lips despite the sleepiness in his eyes.

“Go on, baby. Ride me since you’re so fucking eager.”

You wanted to protest, whine like a baby, and tell him he’s being too mean but yet you're rolling your hips on top of him— bouncing slowly at first, dragging his thick cock in and out of your soaked pussy, savoring the delicious stretch that’s he’s creating.

He lowly hisses, sharp jaw clenching as he watches you use him for your own pleasure as if he’s a fucking human dildo. Your little whimpers had his veiny cock pulsing inside you because of how cute you sound.

But soon, your desperation takes over. You grind down harder and faster. Your pathetic moans growing louder as you shamelessly chase your high. Toji watches through hooded eyes, groaning low in his throat.

“Tch. Look at you,” he rasps, gripping your waist when you start to tremble and your thrusts get sloppy. “So fucking dumb and desperate. Can’t even wait till morning for some fucking cock”.

You let out a choked moan as he suddenly thrusts up into your hole, meeting your sloppy movements. The force knocks the air from your lungs, your fingers involuntarily digging into his pecs.

“Toji—!”

He grins lazily, voice thick with amusement and lust. “Shit, if you’re gonna fucking wake me up dead at night like this, might as well make it worth it for myself, right?”.

And that’s all it takes, his exhaustion is suddenly forgotten as he grabs the fat of your ass, fucking up into you with fast, deep strokes that have you seeing stars.

Your moans grow louder, pitchy, and more desperate as Toji's thrusts overpower yours. The punishing abuse of his mean cock bullying your hole has tears welling up in your eyes from how intense it is. He’s dragging his shaft along your compressed walls in a way that has you trembling.

Your fingers claw at his chest. Legs shaking as you struggle to try to keep up.

“You wanted this so fucking badly, yeah?” he taunts. “Fucking yourself on my cock like some needy little whore while I’m sleeping— now look at you”.

You whimper, trying to move your hips faster but his grip tightens on your waist, holding you still. A low whine leaves your lips, frustration bubbling up when you realize he’s stopped letting you move altogether.

“Tojiii” you mewl, trying to push against his firm hold.

“What?” he mockingly drawls, smirking up at you menacingly, eyes heavy-lidded. “Something wrong?”.

You huff in frustration, glaring down at him with annoyance. “Let me move,” you demand, squirming in his tight grasp.

Toji purposely clicks his tongue, eyes darkening as his smirk widens. “Oh, so now you think you’re the fucking one in charge here, huh? Do I need to remind you of your place? Slut”.

Before you can even respond, he’s manhandling you onto your back in one swift motion, knocking the breath from your lungs. A gasp rips from your throat as he presses you into the mattress, slotting himself between your trembling legs. His heavy cock is still buried deep inside you, and the new angle has you crying out.

“You woke me up”, he irritatedly mutters, pressing his full weight down on you, completely trapping you beneath him. “Dragged me outta a damn good sleep cause you can’t stop fucking thinking about dick.” His tone is low, almost scolding as his lips brush against your ear, sending a shiver down your spine.

His big hand wraps around your throat— not squeezing, just resting there. Seems to be his reminder of who’s in control. His other hand grips your thigh, hiking it up higher around his waist before he pulls his hips back and rudely slams into you in a harsh motion.

A choked sob leaves your lips as he sets a brutal pace, fucking into you with deep, deliberate thrusts. His cock stretches you open, hitting that spot inside you that has your toes curling against his huge back.

“Toji— fuck, s’too much”.

“Oh, so now it’s too much?” he scoffs, his grip on your throat tightening just slightly, enough to have your head spinning. “That’s funny, ‘cause a minute ago you couldn’t get enough. So needy and desperate to have your pussy stuffed and fucked like some horny bitch in heat. What happened, baby?”.

You’re barely able to answer, your mind going hazy from the way he’s cruelly pounding into you. From the way his lengthy cock drags and throbs along your sensitive walls, making you a pathetic mess beneath him.

“You wanna act like a spoiled little brat?” he growls, his teeth grazing the shell of your ear. “Fine. But you don’t get to tap out on me now.”

He reaches between you, long fingers finding your swollen clit, rubbing tight circles that make you jolt and quiver beneath him. Your body’s already overwhelmed, teetering on the edge and oh he knows it.

“That’s it”, he mutters, watching your face contort in pleasure. “Cum for me, baby. Cum on my cock like the fucking slut you are”.

His words pushed you over the edge. Your whole body tenses as your orgasm crashes over you, your walls squeezing his cock in rhythmic little pulses. You sob his name, gripping his beefy arms, nails digging into his skin as the pleasure flows through you.

Toji groans at the warm feeling, his brutal thrusts growing sloppier as he quickly chases his own release. He presses his sweaty forehead against yours, loudly panting. “Fuck— gonna fill you up, baby. Gonna make sure you remember who this pretty fucking pussy belongs to”.

With one last deep thrust, he buries himself to the hilt, groaning as he spills everything inside you. His warm seed completely flooding your overstimulated walls. He stays there for a moment, catching his breath before he finally pulls out, watching the way his milky cum slowly drips out from your swollen, used cunt.

You’re completely gone, body trembling, eyes hazy and filled with lust. Toji chuckles at your fucked out state, pressing a lazy kiss to your forehead. He always takes pleasure seeing you like this, knowing that he’s the reason why.

“Next time”, he murmurs, brushing his fingers through your messy hair to move them away from your face, “wake your old man up at a decent hour, yeah?”.

But even as he says that he’s already pulling you close, letting you bury your warm face in his chest. His rough hand rubbing slow circles on your back as you both drift off once again because despite all his old man grumbling, you both know he’d definitely let you do it again.

[olasfamily25]

Please Give me your attention 💔

Please read this as if i were a member of your family. Maybe your sister, your daughter or your friend. As if my family who is going through difficult circumstances is your family.

Hello, I'm Ola, a graduate student from the faculty of science - Al-Azhar University in G@za P@lestine. I truly appreciate you taking a moment to read my story. As you reading my message, myself and my family, “my mother, father, three sisters, and my little brother,” are trying to survive under all kinds of suffering including but not limited to fear, instability, and starvation, thirst, and poverty in northern G@za.

After 508 days of suffering, I am writing to you today with a heavy heart, in desperate need of your help. I can't describe how harsh the situation we are living in is. My family is suffering from the biting cold of winter, and we are facing a severe shortage of food and clothing. Every day feels like a lifetime, and every moment makes me feel helpless and hopeless. 💔

After the prices went up so crazy, I created this campaign to help my family provide food, water and essential needs. I know for sure that you can't help all families that want your help but at least you can help those who come across your life.

Every simple thing makes a difference in changing the situation we are in. So please don't hesitate to help us 🙏💔

It's your time to help and make a difference, Will you?!

Thank you for taking a minute to read this.♥️

My campaign has been vetted by:

@90-ghost here, @northgazaupdates here, and @el-shab-hussien and @nabulsi 's spreadsheet of vetted campaigns #205.

Please share my post:

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[classyrbf]

dad bod!toji who’s still the big, muscular man he is but you can tell he’s gotten older and his metabolism has slowed down a little bit. He’s gotten chubbier in his arms, thighs, tummy. Not to mention, he’s started to gray and grow stubble on his face, the perfect salt and pepper mix. Toji says he hates it, always moaning and groaning about needing to hit the gym but you…? You fucking love it. It takes everything in you not to ravish his right then and there, wanting to pounce on him every second of the day. You’re always kissing up on him, grabbing on him, dragging him to the laundry room while the kids watching tv so you could have a quickie. And he’s so confused on where all this extra energy and affection has sprouted from, but he loves it. You’re always so eager for him, fucking your self on his cock, him waking up to you kissing his neck and stroking his dick, dropping to your knees and giving him head without his asking. He wonders what he’s done to deserve all of it.

He’s standing in the mirror one late night with his shirt off, examining just how chubby he’s gotten. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little insecure, thinking how gorgeous you are and how you shouldn’t settle for him. “I’m losing myself,” he grumbles. “What’s going on, baby?” You walk in the room, a smile immediately on your face when you see his shirt is off, definitely a sight to see. “I need to head to the gym is what’s going on.” He flexes his muscles in the mirror. You giggle and walk up behind him, snaking your arms around his waist. “I think you look so handsome with a little weight on you,” you whisper in his ear. “Does something to me.” You nibble on his ear before trailing kisses along his jaw, and that’s when Toji realizes why you’ve been so affectionate with him, like a lightbulb going off in his head.

Just mere minutes later, you’re riding him like your life depends on it, slamming your hips down on his, creating a sticky mess between you two. “S-shit,” he pants, “slow down, mama—fuck!” His bruising grips on your hips only tighten the faster you ride him. Your pussy sucks him in with each thrust, clenching around his throbbing cock. “I can’t…you get so me so hot and bothered, baby.” You grin, running your hands down his chest.

He swears he could cum right then and there, with the way you were riding him and that look in your eye, he was ready to give you another kid. And now you were kissing his neck, moaning and whimpering in his ear. “You’re so perfect, Toji,” you mewl. “Fuck me.” His eyes roll back before fluttering shut. “Keep going, yes, yes, just like that, mama. You’re gonna make me fucking cum,” he groans. You keep that same rhythm, squeezing your pussy around him, milking him. He suddenly wraps his arms around you, holding you in place as he thrusts up into you, the sound of skin on skin filling the room. “Ah, fuck!” You cry out, your cum dripping down his shaft. His thrusts grow sloppier and harder and next thing you know he’s filling you up, pushing his cum deeper inside of you with slow thrusts. Laughter erupts from your chest as you catch your breath, kissing him slowly and passionately.

“Mmm, goddamn,” he huffs, pulling you to his chest. “Now I finally know why you’re so goddamn horny all the time,” he chuckles. You blink up at him with a small smirk. “Can you blame me?” You trace patterns on his skin. He can see the look in your eye, that hungry stare you’re giving him, wanting more. “What are you thinking about, hm?” He caresses your cheek. “Oh nothing…just how badly I wanna give you some head right now, but I’ll wait.”

[gallusrostromegalus]

A friend of mine has been reading The Locked Tomb trilogy aka descended into Lesbian Necromancer Hell . He's having a great time, and been sending me reports from the pits.

Now I know that in the context of the story "DEATH TO VULTURES AND SCAVENGERS FIRST" is very poetic and badass, but taken with the context that this is the motto of the bone-manipulating guys, the motto sounds slightly less badass and more like they've been having an ongoing problem with Lammergeiers.

Thing is,

A Lammergeier is like, the single most badass familiar an osteomancer could have. Fuck off huge raptorial bird that is either black and white or black and blood red so either way it goes with your goth-ass aesthetic and is extremely easy to train to bring you fun and interesting new bones? Why does the ninth house NOT have these?

Oh right. Jod.

Anyway, this combined with a previous idea I had about Truly Awful Bird/Mammal combinations for The Worst Gryphon Ever, and you know what? Some fuckass idiot in that universe WOULD make a Lammergeier/Spotted Hyena Gryphon. Now that's a creature made to fuck over necromancers six ways from Sunday.

Eats flesh AND bones.

Constantly scream-laughing.

Terrifyingly intelligent.

-And then whatever idiot created this abomination made it big enough to ride and drool corrosive venom because everyone in that universe automatically doubles down on any bad idea they have.

Harrow is sobbing at it's mere existence.

Gideon is trying to cradle it in her arms. This is their daughter now.

"Daddy harrowhark put a bone in mommy griddlecakes and she made Princess Bonefucker Ultraviolence 9000 and birthed her with her own womb-" Gideon is saying aloud in the most babytalk voice possible to the gryphon, who is rolled over on its back and entirely agreeable with being smothered with affection, because if the Gryphon has a sole redeeming feature it's that it possesses the zen like chill that comes from the bone-deep knowledge that it is at the absolute apex of the local food chain.

It's also wearing Gideon's sunglasses.

They do not fit.

Gideon may spoil Princesss Bonefucker Ultraviolence 9000 but that animal is OBSESSED with Harrow. It's a real Daddy's Girl kind of creature, and it will attempt to eat the face of anyone that so much as looks at Harrow without her permission. Harrow isn't sure about this thing until it takes an actual shilouette-altering sized CHUNK out of Ortus' ass, and then she becomes very fond of Daddy's Special Little Apex Predator. She deigns to give it one (1) headpat, and is treated to Princess Bonefucker's "Happiness Noise", which sounds like someone threw a handful of gravel into a running garbage disposal.

"Why..?" Harrow asks, feeling the remaining edges of her sanity start to melt.

"Why not?" Asks Gideon, accurately reporting the entire thought process that went into the creation of this horror.

[voyaging-too]

I know that the nitpicking over why the Fellowship didn’t just ride the eagles to fly directly to Mordor has been talked to death, there’s more than enough answers. The Doylist answer is that would stop the whole book from existing, or replace it with a wholly different book all about eagles. The Watsonian answer is that a) the eagles are a noble independent people not a taxi service, b) the quest is a stealth mission and huge massive giant eagles are not stealthy, c) Mordor has air supremacy and the eagles could only fly to Mount Doom after Sauron was defeated and the Nazguls all gone.

But just now, option d) occurred to me: do we really trust the eagles to withstand the ring? If it tempts Gandalf and Galadriel, surely it tempts Gwaihir the Windlord. Do we want to create the Dread Lord of the Skies? He would wear the Ring on his lovely sharp claw! He would fly higher and swifter than the winds of the world! He would build a magnificent nest from the broken timbers of Edoras! He would eat so many people! All elves and men would be forced underground!

[hballegro]

i did my penance please leave me and my family alone you're scaring us

[nesmamomen]

I want to keep a simple memory of me with you if I die in this war. I may not be a professional artist, but I want to give you something that expresses my deep love for you. In many moments, sadness and despair filled my heart and I wished for death a lot, but your support and embrace of me was a beacon of hope for me. Israel killed a person I loved and adored and built my future with, but it compensated me with you (I am not exaggerating or flattering you), but you are a family to me. You may not consider me as such, but I consider you family and friends to me. If I die in this war, know that you have made me very happy with your support. Goodbye my friends. You are the most beautiful thing I have gotten in this war. This is the fundraiser I created to save my family. If you want to support me, donate to me and my family. I love you all.

Forgive me if I have saddened any of you.

•My campaign has been verified✓✓

@\nabulsi here @\el-shab-hussein here

@fancysmudges @brokenbackmountain @aleciosun @fluoresensitivearchived @khizuo @lesbiandardevil @transmutationisms @schoolhater @timogsilangan @appsa @buttercuparry @sayruq @malcriada @palestinegenocide @sar-soor @akajustmerry @annoyingloudmicrowavecultist @feluka @tortiefrancis @flower-tea-fairies @tsaricides @riding-with-the-wild-hunt @visenyasdragon @belleandsaintsebastian @ear-motif @kordeliiius @brutaliakhoa @raelyn-dreams @troythecatfish @theropoda @tamarrud @4ft10tvlandfangirl @queerstudiesnatural @northgazaupdates2 @skatezophrenic @awetistic-things @camgirlpanopticon @baby-girl-aaron-dessner @nabulsi @sygutka @junglejim4322 @heritageposts @chososhairbuns @palistani @dlxxv-vetted-donations @illuminated-runas @imjustheretotrytohelp

[teaboot]

This is gonna sound rather conceited but I feel like it highlights an issue we have in Art.

I'm good at art. I've never had a hard time making art. I started using crayons before I could walk. Painting, Beadwork, sculpture, sketching, stippling, whatever- once I have a feel for the material, it doesn't take long to start doing what I want with it. It's been a common theme my whole life.

(Y contrast I'm awful at things like dancing, performance, sports, etc- in all things there is balance, right?)

Now, I've taught myself to use so many artistic mediums now that I KNOW how to most efficiently integrate them into the brain database. Once you really *understand* a material, it's much like memorizing the layout of your house, or flexing a muscle, or something in-between- it becomes PART of your brain in a way I cant quite articulate. But to get there involves just fucking around for a bit doing nothing in particular.

And I've found, especially in group settings, that nobody seems to be able to see you make something badly and leave you alone. Even if you say you're fine, you don't want help, you're happy, you're having fun, it's fine, they gotta ride your ass and hover.

I was at a class the other day for something I hadn't done before. The medium was one I've never used, so once the instructor told us the basics I started experimenting with weight, gravity, texture, viscosity, saturation, temperature, etc. The instructor had given enough info to know what was dangerous and what was safe, and beyond that I just wanted to absorb what I could about it.

And no insult to the instructor, but they kept checking in. Which was fine the first few times.

But then, without asking me what I was trying to do, started giving tips. That I told them I was grateful for but didn't really need just yet. If I had a question, I'd ask.

But they kept coming over. And touching my shit. And manipulating my project. And touching my hands. And using my tools. Without fucking asking.

And this happens every time. EVERY TIME. And by now I know the best way to get them to fuck off is to make something way beyond their expectations so they know I'm capable, then go back to doing what I want.

So I did. I wanted to keep having fun and learning, but instead I made something beautiful that I really didn't want to make, and wasted my time, and really didn't learn what I wanted to learn at all. I knew the formula to create a beautiful thing, so I followed that formula the same way I have a hundred times before, and didn't get to try anything spontaneous or ugly or exciting, just so I could be left alone.

And I know when I was a kid, I was aware aware people saw me puttering alone on something ugly assumed I had a special issue and treated me like I was stupid because of that. (I was neurodivergent.) And at at time I knew that I could do a neat trick for them like a trained pony and they'd go, "Oh, surely they aren't defective if they can do something like that!" And piss off.

But what if I hadn't known how to do that?

What if I hadn't been talented, or "special"?

What if I'd been just any other average kid trying to learn, and I couldn't pop something pretty out of my ass to get them off my back?

My problem my whole life has been that I haven't been allowed to make anything ugly in peace. I'm capable of beauty, so I have to make beauty, or get stepped on. And once people see what I can do, they get loud about it. "Look at this! Look what they did! We all know who the best is, don't we?". And that used to feel good, but it's tiring.

And how many people like me just wanted to play? Just wanted to have fun and experiment? Who were having fun with no goal in mind, or just took longer to learn, who gave up because of all the obnoxious helpers breathing down their neck with no way to shake them off?

How many of us are made to feel defective because we aren't doing things beautifully?

I have a lovely piece of art I didn't want to make.

I think I'm gonna frame it.*

(*I think I'm gonna burn it in my yard.)