#cuz my opinion doesnt matter at all and im never talking about this ever again lol

[nora-ren]

Why do you dislike them? I'm not going to type out the ship name because I don't want this to appear in their tags, but i'm talking about the first one you mentioned

(Since i got 3 different asks referring to this, i’m gonna answer to this one hoping it satisfies curiosities. lmao. .. Also, im answering to this particular one because the other two included the ship name and i dont want this post to end up in their tag. Qr/ow/in shippers, pls dont read this ! - i 100% respect you all. but you probably wont like or care about my opinion. And also im not looking for any form of debate/argument, i swear lol. I hate drama and I probably wont ever talk about this topic ever again after this post. As a massive Renora shipper, i know that i really hate reading posts (even respectful ones) that say negative things about my OTP lol. it really makes me bummed. So, i dont want anyone to feel bummed over reading my silly opinion on this ship.. my opinion doesnt matter.) 

I just.. :P idk. its more like.. many little reasons put together, rather than one big obvious “NO”, ya know what i mean? The biggest reason the ship makes me cringe is because of how .. almost gross Qrow behaves towards her? Teasing her, messing with her, how she is obviously v tired of his shit because its not the first time she has dealt with him like this. i think he even kinda gets her into trouble at one point… but i dont remember that episode too well. i could be wrong on that last bit. ehim just not a fan of the whole  “guys pick on girls because they like them!” perspective. I mean, get it. Some people like that in ships. They like that about this duo. I just… i don’t. i’ve been on the teased end before, and i found it kinda.. embarrassing? demeaning? to be honest i just wasnt comfortable with it. Some personalities like the teasing. Some dont.. and idk, I dont see Winter as someone who would be comfortable with being messed with in the way that Qrow has messed with her. Maybe another girl (or guy). Maybe another personality. i dunno lol. but Winter specifically doesn’t give me the vibe as someone who likes such behavior. On top of it all, he’s pretty much a 40 year old drunk … and considering how it’s evident that Winter’s mother is also an alcoholic, I just… gosh.. no thank. its kinda.. nooooooo  ? ?  idk ,,, Winter could just go back home if she wanted to deal with a drunk adult or something??

i guess the “possible age difference” is a thing that turns me off a bit too. a lot of people pass it off and headcanon Winter as like 25-30 and Qrow as like 35 or something lmao but i just … ehh, no. in the Schnee family portrait, Winter doesn’t even look five years older than Weiss. and even if Winter is 5 years older than Weiss.. that would put her at like, 22/23?  which is ……. my age.

and Qrow is definitely about 40. (17 starting at Beacon, 21 from graduating Beacon, I assume there might have at least been a year or two before Yang was born? so like…. 22+17= 39…. and now with the vol4 time skip. 40, ig ?)

i just………….. asdflkjhdlkfdsfjka

i mean, shes is an adult, so i guess this last reasoning isnt as “relevant” as the others? She can definitely do whatever she wants at this point lol. She can legally date some 70 year old if she wanted lol idk. But i just… yeah no.. being 23, I myself wouldnt ever date someone that much older than me, let alone ship Winter with an alcoholic who teases her and seems to “hold power over her” (if that makes sense.) it just feels wrong for me, i guess. especially not with her having shitty experience at home with a garbage father and drunk mother.so yeah.. like i said… there are no big srs “100% NO!!!” reasons against this ship. Its not like shes a minor; or its not like the ship is incest or anything. Its still a reasonable ship for sure!!! I see why people ship it. I see why people like it. I don’t think people are weird for liking it at all!! Its totally okay and i dont like.. judge anyone or turn people away if i see someone likes this ship XD My priorities when befriending people aren’t ships, theyre whether or not said person is a good human ^_^ tl;drit’s just not my cup of tea.and its really not a big deal at all! p.s  pls dont read this as if im someone who hates qrow or something bc i really dont haha i love qrow actually ! ! ! ! like a lot. i just dont like him+winter as a ship 

[bloodbenderz]

Can I ask what your season 1 Lok reboot looks like?

this is about 3k words i checked lmfao dont say i didnt warn u

a key part of the whole thing is that korra gets way more perspectives and more experiences representative of like, normal people in republic city bc i think something that really defined what a good avatar aang was was how many people he met and got to know and how he didnt exclusively or even mostly associate w cops and bureaucrats and leaders. so mako and bolin. well first of all their backstories are a little more fleshed out and we get a less black and white view of the “triads” (lol) and mako and bolin’s experiences w them. cuz the show very much does the whole thing of like Criminals Bad but dont worry even tho mako and bolin did commit crimes theyre not Criminals!! so just a little more nuance on the alleged gang problem and the poverty in the city

korra does start out very naive w very black and white ideas (ex. “you guys are CRIMINALS?”) i think a really good way of developing her away from her sheltered naive worldview is putting her in whats clearly an incredibly complicated city w an absolute cesspool of political conflicts, ethnic tensions, the lasting effects of colonization, etc and having her try and understand the needs of “the people” in a more complicated way than “i have to save the good guys from the bad guys” ykwim? and i think the absolute WORST way to do that is what they did. bc we get mako and bolin who could contribute genuinely compelling thematic elements to the story: one parent who was indigenous and one who was from a colonizer background in the decades directly following the end of the war, kids who grew up in poverty apparently without any familial support, and who now are trying to be “respectable” members of society (especially mako). and then most of that is pretty much tossed aside bc asami swoops in w her capitalist dad and her piles of money and the class issue is just never talked about again.

so the way i’d fix all that is like. introducing more, like, normal people. some nonbenders, more workers, more immigrants, etc, to show what daily life is actually like for people. because. we dont know! we dont have any context about whether the nonbender oppression thing is actually an issue bc we dont KNOW any nonbenders with normal lives! and spoiler: the nonbender oppression thing is not an issue. bc it doesnt make historical sense. lok is set 7 decades after the end of the war. that is not by ANY stretch of the imagination long enough to heal from the scars of imperialism, ESPECIALLY not when lok is also set in a settler colonial state. like that fact should have featured PROMINENTLY in the political and social setting! realistically, nonbenders arent an oppressed class, earth and water nation people are, regardless of bending status! as in all settler colonial states, the colonizers and their descendants (in this case fire nation people) retain most of the financial and political capital, leaving the colonized and racialized immigrants (in this case earth kingdom and water tribe people respectively) generally impoverished and politically suppressed. like aside from the fact that theres no way toph would have become a cop, it’s so ridiculous to think that an established privileged class of fire nation colonizers would EVER accept being policed by earthbenders!

imagine how much more nuanced and interesting it would be to set republic city as a remnant of a colonial past still fraught w the violence and tension that colonialism and the associated ideology imposed?? instead of some vague ideas of criminal who wear 1920s outfits and harass shopkeepers think about why extralegal and violent groups like that might form! earth kingdom people trying to push for the reclamation of their land? ethnic groups protecting themselves against corrupt cops? ESPECIALLY w the history that the fire nation has of SPECIFICALLY jailing and killing earthbenders and waterbenders BECAUSE of the potential they have to resist against fire nation imperialism like it just makes no sense at all that earthbenders would be privileged on land that, 70 years ago, they would have been imprisoned on! like these various paramilitary groups falling along these different ideological or ethnic lines, fire nation or earth kingdom or water tribe, pro colonization or anti colonization, pro cop or anti cop, pro immigrant or anti immigrant, and then you juxtapose that w depictions of a govt thats failing to keep this all under control w tenzin trying desperately to keep it together despite the fact that it’s becoming increasingly obvious that the state has no interest in taking the conflicts seriously and would rather just point vague fingers at criminals and gangs? and THEN you bring in korra, who has no idea about any of this and thinks that all its gonna take is kicking some ass every couple days, meeting normal people who offer all kinds of different opinions abt the efficacy of the state and the different violent or nonviolent groups and ideologies clashing in the city and the way all this shit is affecting people’s lives and livelihoods and relationships w other citizens??

theres so much good shit there so many incredible things u could do w that like Where do we go after colonial atrocities? is it possible for a settler colonial state to take revolutionary or indigenous ideas seriously? is liberal reform enough in a state like this? and then all the growth that korra could do going from a simple black and white life about mastering the elements to this messy complicated sociopolitical knot of a city? and all the different kinds of characters u could introduce in this city? like why would u EVER think that the most interesting characters that this story has to offer is a police chief a congressman and a billionaire????

but anyways. that’s what the Setting of my idealized version of lok is. as for the actual plot, it is as follows

it starts out similarly as the show. republic city is MUCH more fraught w political tension and violence and korra knows this but assumes that it’s just a matter of throwing a few gang leaders and corrupt officials in jail. tenzin manages to come see them in the south pole and intends give korra real lessons while he’s there but they receive news of a terrorist attack in republic city only a few days after he gets there so his family has to pack up and leave again.

korra stows away to republic city (katara catches her leaving and gives her blessing im a SUCKER for that moment). she does have a hard time adjusting but she doesn’t do what she did in the show lol the first person she meets in the city is this older woman who works on the docks, directs her to a place where she can eat and gives her a roof to sleep under for the first night. so korra’s first exposure to republic city is just about forming connections w ordinary people like ship workers and a family owned restaurant and people practicing their bending in the park. and by the time she reaches air temple island a day or so later her head is spinning w all this new information and the way that nothing is really what she expected it to be. tenzin gives her his own perspective on everything and pema gives her her own perspective on everything and even those two seem wildly different from all the people she’s already met. and so korra starts to get a kind of outline of the conflicts plaguing the city as extremely complex and a lot more influenced by older ideas of fire nation imperialism and earth kingdom land reclamation than she had any idea about.

mako and bolin are still pro benders but not like. super famous like they are in the show. korra’s picked up a couple friends by now and one of them takes her to a gym where a lot of amateur pro bending (is that an oxymoron? lol) matches happen and thats how she meets mako and bolin and joins their pro bending team. Unfortunately for korra, this gym is run by lin beifong, and also has the distinction of being one of the most notoriously anti settler state organizations in the country. lin beifong is NOT a cop but she runs this gym (and the pro bending league) as a way to offer support to local earth kingdom/water tribe youth, teach self defense skills, a center of community organizing, and sometimes to act as a front to hide revolutionary/combat organizing against the pro fire nation paramilitaries/police force. tenzin is DISTRAUGHT that korra does this and this is where the friction btwn them comes from bc (from tenzin’s perspective) she does things like this without thinking or even fully understanding the context behind them and tenzin will have to deal w the political fallout of the avatar openly aligning herself w a very divisive figure in the community and (from korra’s perspective) tenzin is too unwilling to take sides in a conflict that’s claiming lives and when the state is clearly not taking sufficient steps to protect people well then why the hell shouldnt she align herself w lin beifong, who IS taking steps to protect and support people?

as korra more fully integrates herself into the city and learns more abt how different people think abt everything going on this is where the real exposition abt the equalists begins. they’re a paramilitary group w an ideology thats gaining increasing support among middle/upper class fire nation people, esp nonbenders. on the face theyre abt putting checks on “bender oppression” but really it’s an excuse to persecute and surveil earthbenders waterbenders and airbenders, bc fire nation people have all this leftover fear about benders who arent fire nation Rising Up Against them and these people who r using their Savage Excuse for Bending to terrorize good innocent (fire nation) people. theres all too frequent terrorist attacks that the equalists claim credit for mostly against monuments to earth/water/air nation people and earth/water nation community centers (one like it was the event that forced tenzin back to republic city) but also like the govt doesnt take a lot of these seriously or if they do only a couple people are charged without doing damage to the entire organization

this is also around the time that they meet asami and she becomes part of their friend group. asami likes pro bending but her dad HATES it so she sneaks out to watch matches at lin beifong’s gym (korra says ironically like don’t u know how ~divisive~ that is and asami answers that the only reason its Not divisive is that gyms like beifongs are the only place where nobody recognizes her). and asami alongside korra is also kind of developing a more nuanced perspective on the city that she lives in cuz obviously the only worldview she’s ever been exposed to is her father’s right? and she keeps pushing it off making excuses not to bring mako and bolin and korra around to her house or even not to be seen w them in certain neighborhoods until they call her on it and she’s like Well honestly my dad might do something awful to u! and i dont wanna risk it!

and as time goes on we see more abt asami’s home life like her father’s hyper conservative politics and asami keeps these secrets abt her hobbies and her friends from him but she’s still clearly under his influence and mako bolin and korra r getting increasingly worried abt it cuz like...asami seems to tend to make excuses for him so that she wont have to be drawn into conflict and originally they think its just her being privileged and thats def part of it but the more they find out abt it the more they realize what a tight fucking grip he has on her and the way that like. asami sneaking out once or twice a week is the Only thing she does for herself. and it really starts freaking them out how influential this billionaire is and all the information theyre getting from asami abt what a piece of shit he clearly is. and so that whole plot thing comes about and shows us how deeply embedded these “equalist” ideas are in conservative republic city politics and how much influence theyre actually having in policy making and law enforcement.

asami suffers in the aftermath of this like being forced to truly confront the harm her father is doing both to the city and to herself. and she ends up leaving home when this discovery really breaks. but bc of the deep corruption in govt and police sato isn’t really....dealt with? like this big story breaks and everyones like Oh, My God! Hiroshi Sato Is Funding An Illegal Paramilitary Group! and theres all kinds of inane political discourse about it and he’s arrested but he bails himself out immediately and his finances are examined but he maintains control over them and after a few weeks the gang (bc they Have become close among all this w much less interpersonal drama lol) has to admit that this news story hasnt done what they thought it was going to it hasn’t dealt the equalists a real hit its just given them a very high profile ally

and this is when things really start to ramp up in terms of action like up until now korra’s daily activities are mostly like hanging around in the city w her friends  (which in part entails doing little avatar stuff that people dont feel comfortable going to police with, like Can you help me my ex husband wont pay child support or Please help i got robbed and i really needed that money for rent next month or Help my son keeps skipping school can you talk to him cuz im worried abt him being safe and doing well in school) and pro bending and airbending lessons (which i know ive neglected this part of the story in terms of her whole spiritual/physical conflict but it’s more of a subtle thing like it’s one of tenzin and korra’s more frequent arguments like tenzin says she needs to focus on spirituality and korra asks why she even needs to bc republic city is a sociopolitical problem not a spiritual one) but now the equalist threat seems to really be looming on every level of society like the storyline of equalists preventing pro bending matches happens here and everyones just at a total loss of what to do next. plus increasing and scary rhetoric about tenzin and his family that destroying the last airbenders is necessary to preserving the integrity of the united republic

and so theres the equalist takeover of the city. the people who are mostly resisting this are lin and ragtag group of people who have been resisting colonial rule for a long time (including suyin, who is part of a communist anti colonial community outside the city, because i said so and i think it would be fun), people who have been visiting her gym for years, members of her amateur pro bending league, plus asami and korra and tenzin. korra and tenzin have a sweet moment (bc they do genuinely care abt each other a lot even if their relationship has been marked w a lot of tension and arguing) where tenzin says like you know i think that ive lost focus on the kind of spirituality that might actually help you. korra says what do you mean? and tenzin kind of gestures to where theyre sitting with people buzzing around organizing to take care of innocents and civilians and to fight the equalists and he says this is a kind of spiritual too, isnt it?

and something something plot plot blah blah i havent decided on the details of the plot climax yet but that’s the climax of korra’s character development and what helps her connect w her spiritual side in order to protect the city: the realization that community is its own kind of spirituality. and it kind of represents the real development that i want her to have going from somebody who thinks that the world is divided into criminals and victims and she has to save the victims Into the kind of avatar who understands the people that she’s bound to serve. she becomes an avatar of the people!

and then happy ending lol korra and asami get together lin and tenzin reconcile after years of being at odds the show ends on a hopeful note that the inhabitants of republic city and the united republic as a whole Can move on from the scars of colonialism by reckoning w the remnants of fire nation colonial ideology and reparations to the earth kingdom people whose land this is and destruction of colonial systems that have maintained and enforced colonial violence all these years

[normal-thoughts-official]

About the Jace hate, I do get your point and it’s valid, Jace is an ass and arrogant and Clary makes some really stupid decisions.

In the first books they were pretty stupid but I do feel there’s quite a lot of character development for the both of them. I’m talking about The Dark Artifices series and not The Mortal Instruments of course. They grow up and they become adults with an institute to run so they have a responsibility now.

Jace is less arrogant and he kinda settles down with Clary because to him there’s nobody else anymore besides Clary.

The Alec hate I do not get at all. I mean, I know he gets the stereotypical jealous part but again, in the later books he’s just a badass. The whole red scrolls of magic and lost book of the white is just Malec being BAMFS. And Alec becomes Consul which makes him so powerful and he uses the title to change the Clave for the Downworld and for all the Shadowhunters like him.

Book and show Malec are just * chefs kiss *

i mean, look, ur entitled to ur opinion and all, but i rlly dont think this is something ur gonna change my mind on, so id rather not get into that discussion tbh 🤷 like u wont change my mind (and thats fine, like ive said before, my opinion doesnt actually matter unless u choose to care about it and that's why i throw it around) and i probably wont change urs, so

with that being said im gonna reply to ur points anyway because i cant fucking help myself and well, it is my blog after all. i tried to not be aggressive but i do have pretty strong opinions on this topic so there's that

u dont have to read it cuz like i said i dont think we'll change each other's minds and i think we're just gonna end up upsetting each other tbh, so im putting it under the cut

idk about becoming less arrogant but to me what drives me crazy about both jace and clary is that they are selfish and self centered and i just cant stand that. and the fact that there's no one else for him but clary is pretty much an extension of that. to me their relationship is just them joining forces to become an unit and be self centered together lmao

and the fact that they're running an institute doesn't inherently change that at all. tbh even if it did, giving them an institute to run when they are only learning to be responsible for other ppl is exactly the kind of shit i hate and can't stand about the both of them and cc's writing. if they aren't responsible enough, they should never have gotten it, and the fact that they did and accepted is just more proof that they only care about themselves and are entitled and have everything handed to them on a silver platter

as for alec, he became consul because jace nominated him, so i dont see that as a point in his favor. and even in the later books he is constantly incompetent at basic things and that is used as the butt of a joke, like him being literally unable to speak in other languages because he gets too nervous and doesn't know which language is which or that whole bullshit "hero of the war coming through!" "oh it's not jace herondale, it's just some guy" or alec's own kid liking jace more than alec himself lmao. and there's more i don't remember but like... i dont think book!alec is a badass in any way shape or form, he is incompetent and keeps being carried on everyone else's shoulders and also has positions i dont think he deserves or ever did

also him using his position to help downworlders and everyone loving him for it is a white savior narrative so it's gross for entirely different reasons, and the fact that that's pretty much all he has going for him is proof that cc can only make a gay character relevant if its a result of his whiteness (or in that case shadowhunterness which is really just magical whiteness), which circles back to other anon's point about her rep being terrible

most importantly tho, even if book!alec were a badass i still would never like him or book!malec solely because of the way he treats magnus

im not even just talking about the whole "trying to take magnus' immortality away" bullshit (which in and of itself is a complete dealbreaker for book!malec for me. they could have the best relationship in the world other than that and i still would never ever ever be able to ship a couple in which one of the parts is so openly selfish and disregards the other part's consent and literal LIFE like this. idc how young alec was, he was old enough to know exactly what he was doing, and if he's too immature to respect his partner he shouldn't be in a relationship, full stop) but also... everything else. if i wanted to see a white gay man being biphobic and racist to his brown bi partner i would simply go check out the closest abusive relationship in my area. the constant jealousy slutshaming and overall immaturity is just gross and annoying and the fact that magnus puts up with that shit at all makes me sad for him, even if he's also a creep so i don't really care about him either

and like this is not a book vs show thing, it's not a competition and in most fandoms of adapted works ppl like both and merge both together. i would be perfectly capable of liking both, and tbh the only reason i even tried picking up the books at all was because i liked the show and wanted more content. i don't hate the books because i like the show, i hate the books because.... of the books igrsssfhh

[buckyskorpion]

A). I didn't meant to be rude w the caps lock message about dsbt. Yes, I hit anonymous button but cuz I'm too scared of even write an ask to anyone (I hope u understand it, from what i see of your posts you deal with anxiety too). I'm sorry, truly, if I sounded rude or bad to you, never was my intention. I never knew it has some time since you wrote it cuz I've been following you for little time. Like a few weeks. And unfortunately, we don't exactly get the timin of the uploading of the posts +

B). I thought it was a recent fic and freshly new and I thought you'd be writing through time or had more chapters saved or anything, already pre scheduled to update. Not trying to impose anything, just expressing how my trail of thoughts were working. I know, I truly know, u share the stories because u want to share it and not for our satisfaction. And that's how it's suppose to be, imo as well. The thing with asks tho is that it gets very misunderstood how we all view them when we get them. +

C). I did caps lock with the only and unique intention of expressing excitement over it. Not to be rude, not to yell at you. Just to express how excited I am towards the next chapter, whenever it comes out. I felt bad how you and some of your followers thought of how that sounded and I'm sorry. I never intended to be rude. Ps: I did A, B & C so you can follow the asks, not to impose anything of like "first of all", don't get me wrong again please xx

D). I read the other ask you answered about how bad you feel. I'm truly sorry I made you feel that way. Truly. I read all your vents about your bad days and it makes me sad you deal with it. I have 3 personality disorders and it's horrible how we process things in our heads. Not trying to victimize, just trying to explain I know how awful our own brains can be to ourselves when it comes to process social interactions (asks, even. +

E). Again, I'm so sorry) without any mental issue or whatsoever. I want to add I'm excited for any work you do in the future and again, I'm sorry for failing showing it.

thank you for messaging me! believe me, i understand anxiety so thats fine and i also understand that you didn’t meant it in a rude or bad way - i did say that because i know most people dont intend to come across in a bad way. i admit that i responded quite emotionally because of a build up of similar messages i had gotten. however, in my opinion it doesnt matter what the intention is when you say something that hurts someone, because no matter how nicely you meant to say it (and i do understand you said it out of excitement! i really do) it still hurt. ya know? like i get that you meant it in a nice way but i still had a negative reaction and thats still valid. i hope that makes sense!

as someone who has anxiety as you have said, i would hope that you understand how a message like that - well intentioned or not - would trigger my anxiety and make me feel very pressured, stressed, and upset. and i understand that using anon protects you and helps ease your anxiety so i didnt mean to offend you by saying that, im sorry.

im grateful that you started following me so recently and are enjoying my fics. im not expecting everyone to understand that i took four years off tumblr and originally posted that fic in 2016, i understand people just come across my fics and dont read my blog so thats not what i was getting at. what i meant is that it doesn’t matter if i posted the fic last week or four years ago, if i have a posting schedule or not, if i posted the last chapter yesterday or months ago -- asking writers when they’re going to update and demanding new chapters is very upsetting to a lot of us!! and it is rude, whether its intended or not! not just you, but literally everyone who message me or any writer about updates. i dont know if i am getting my point across properly but im trying to say that i would never ask someone when they plan on updating a fic no matter the circumstances because i understand writing and posting is a very subjective, emotional, and mentally draining process. at the end of the day we are posting free content and its nobody’s business whether i post back to back updates or take years in between, because im doing it FOR FREE and owe nothing to no one.

at the end of the day this is also just tumblr, its just fic, and i dont want to come across super aggressive or mean. im just trying to get my point across and im glad you messaged me to get your point across too! we are all allowed to disagree and exist on the same platform. i am truly grateful you enjoy my writing, thats the reason why i write so i dont want to deter you from enjoying anyones fic or anything. im just trying to explain to not only you but anyone reading this why demanding updates makes me wanna die haha

im truly sorry for what you have to go through with your diagnoses, i know how difficult mental illness is and nobody deserves it. i really hope you’re doing ok and this interaction hasn’t upset you too deeply and i havent made you feel bad. if i have i truly am sorry. we’re all just trying to make our way in this shitty world and we gotta help each other when we can. if you ever feel confident enough to come off anon, or even if you want to continue sending me anons, i would be happy to talk to you if you ever need it - im always here for you! i used your ask as an example for the many people who message me similar things and maybe i shouldn’t have done that because that’s not fair to you, so im sorry. 

thank you so much for these messages, you really sound like a very mature and lovely person and im deeply sorry if this situation has caused you any pain. i hoep we can be friends! and i hope you keep enjoying my writing and i can keep providing things you like to read!

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[thetragicescape]

I know no one asked for it buttttttt

This is my blog and I feel like venting. So here we go. More spun thoughts. I feel... hmm. I feel bittersweet. I miss my old roommate. She is honestly not a friend to me, she's a sister. That's how close we were. We hung out 24/7 during our freshman and sophomore years of college. Well, the half of sophomore year before I left. We knew everything about each other and made so many unforgettable memories. Her friendship has been invaluable to me, and we spent so much time together that she was more family than my blood family. She did have strong opinions about certain things, and that's why I hid my drug addiction from her. Her twin sister is addicted to the same drug. I constantly heard her talking shit on not just her sister but meth addicts in general. She was always saying how nasty it was and how bad tweakers were and stuff. I stayed silent the whole time or joined in on her shit talking to cover my ass, never wanting her to know that I was the very thing she despised. I thought that if she knew she would be angry, yell at me or say horrible things to me, or- worst of all- stop being my friend. And I absolutely could not lose her; she was a sister to me. I was confident that I could hide it well enough that she would never need to know, but we can't all be so lucky. The day before I left school, my ex (the one who would rob me the next day) ratted me out to her. I was both furious with him and scared that I was going to lose one of the best friends I ever had. What happened next was miraculous. Something I never would have expected in a million years. She didn't hate me, she didn't stop being my friend, didn't even say one rude word or remark. She was a little upset that I had hidden it from her for so long, but once I explained that it was because I valued our friendship so much and was terrified to lose her she seemed to understand. She even gave me a hug! I was so touched I was near the edge of tears- she knew the worst thing about me, that I was addicted to meth, yet she loved me all the same and was still like my sister. I was about 90 percent sure she would hate me for this, yet she accepted me fully for who I was, faults and all, when for so long I was terrified she would hate me if she knew. I only felt luckier by the second that she had reacted completely opposite of what I thought and that I had her. That night was the last time I saw her. I left college to run away with my ex, he ended up robbing me and my amazing best friend and his wife took me in and let me stay with them. I think of her a lot every day though and miss her. I felt bad leaving her alone there cause we were all each other had. At the time though I thought she would be okay. I mean, for as long as I've known her ive been secretly jealous as fuck of her. She was perfect in every way, and I wish I could say I was exaggerating. She was seriously perfect and I wanted to be her so bad. Honest to god I still do, and if you knew her you'd wanna be her too. She's skinny and absolutely drop dead gorgeous, not to mention amazing with make up. Guys were practically tripping over themselves for a chance to get at her when I was lucky if a guy so much as glanced my way. Getting love or sex or any male attention to her was as effortless as breathing. That wasn't even what I was the most jealous of though. I envy the fuck out of her magic social powers. I can think of another way to put it. It has to be magic cuz I sure as hell couldn't do it. She has some insane power of getting people to take interest in her without trying, and friends flock to her like a moth to a flame. Especially in her home town (when I went to visit her over the summer)- she was popular as fuck. Without even trying, she had more friends than she knew what to do with. All my life id been a near complete loner and desperate for friends, for connections and relationships. No matter what I did, my peers still hated me and I remained a loner. I went straight home every day after school and didn't leave my room cause I had no friends. She, on the other hand, never had to be lonely for a single second- hell, I didn't think she even knew what loneliness MEANT! Without even trying, she had what id wanted so desperately all my life- tons of friends, no loneliness, popularity and guys drooling over her. Over breaks when we went home, shed be having a total blast partying with tons of different people, while I sat alone in my room on the verge of tears because I was so damn lonely and wanted so bad just to have someone to hang out with. Sometimes it was hard not to snap out of pure envy- once she complained to me that she got invited to too many parties. Inside me I was ripping my hair out- like why the fuck are you complaining?! Hers was a "problem" I could only dream of having. Of course if she asked I said I hung out with friends over break because I was embarrassed to let her know how truly pathetic I was. I felt for so long that something was wrong with me and I didn't fit in with humanity because I was so fucking lonely, but she could get everyone in the world to be her friend by fuckin blinking at them. Also her parents were incredibly chill and not strict or controlling at all, the exact opposite of my dad. They cared about her, more than just her grades, they brought her self esteem up instead of crushing it, and they talked to her as an equal human. Which I couldnt pay my dad to do; to this day he talks to me as though Im an idiotic young child or an extension of himself. Never an equal. Hell, I was jealous of her for having grown up with her mom still alive- I lost mine when I was 7. Anyway. At school we hung out only with each other, so I felt very close to her. We tried many times to make friends with other people at the school, but everyone at that school was an ultra religious Jesus freak prude, so not our usual type. Still we tried. We learned pretty early on that people didn't like us for some reason. They got weirded out by us after hanging out with us once or twice and then magically disappeared, never talking to us again. Now i dont know if this is just a paranoid tweaky thought, but I think the word "us" isnt exactly accurate when placing the blame on why nobody wanted to hang out with us. I think the us is actually me. I was what chased everyone away. She has such an incredible talent at making friends that there was no way they didn't like her. I was what they didn't like, and I was always hanging out with her, so if they were chilling with her they were chilling with me. I dont know what about me did it- I seemed to have the opposite abilities of what she did. I suspected that I was the reason since last year, but what's happened in the last couple weeks only makes me think more and more that I was the reason we were so lonely. Since I have left the school, she has instantly made a whole group of friends. She's getting a house with them her senior year and everything. Without me to get in the way, her natural charms were uninterrupted and she found friends almost instantaneously. Nothing like that ever happened when I was around her. Im really happy that she has moved on and found friends so she Wont be lonely, on the other hand it made me sad she moved on so fast. I know that's not fair of me- I cant just expect her to never chill with anyone ever again because I was gone- but still i feel it. That tiny heart ache. Im quite replaceable I think, and Im glad she found her people and not loneliness. I mean it with all my heart, I want her to be happy because she deserved it. Ive experienced more than my fair share of loneliness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But love is about appreciation not possession, and what matters is she is happy and has people to support and love her, whether i am included in that or not. Just like you trim weeds to make the garden flourish, my absence has helped her become the socialite she always wad again. I am sad that we are separated (and honestly jealous of her ability to attract people to her without conscious effort) but happy that she is happy. She's quickly moved on and Im sure that in time she will forget me completely. The thought hurts but I need to accept that it might be a possibility. I chased friends away from us, why would she want to remember that. I miss her to death but without my weirdness chasing her social life off, she is much better off. She's in her element again, a social butterfly spreading her wings and flying out into the world. I wish I knew her secret on getting people to want to be her friend or boyfriend or whatever , but ill just have to accept I never will. Even she doesnt know, its an instinct to her. I never was lucky enough to have that gift but oh well. That's life. It is what it is. I really hope that this is just the drugs and the paranoia talkin, that it wasnt my fault we had no friends and she also played a part in chasing them away. I hope with all my heart it isnt true, but deep in my heart I worry that it is. I guess ill never know the truth and Im honestly kind of glad, cause Im not sure I could stand to hear it if it had been my fault. I accept that ill never know. I still miss her though. Even if she forgets my name, ill remember her and her friendship and cherish the memories we made for my whole life. If she wants to continue being my friend, which there's a decent chance of because she still hits me up on Facebook occasionally to check on me, I will be ecstatic. Shes like my sister that came out of a different vagina 😂😂😂. Whatever choice she makes is hers though and I will have to accept it no matter what. Her happiness means so much to me that if she slowly forgot about me, id know at least she is doing well, uninhibited by my weirdness and free to put her social talents to use again. If our friendship does end (which is painful to think) I will hold onto the good times. Ill try not to cry because its over but smile because it happened. I would appreciate that I had such a close bond with her that saying goodbye was sk hard. If saying bye is hard you know it was a good friendship and a blessing that I had it..... Okay, rant over Holy fuck I sound like a weirdo. Tina makes me rambly. Then again this was so long Im sure most of u got bored and didbt make it all the way to the end 😂 I dont blame you its pretty long. This is probably mostly for me to read when I sober up and laugh at myself. If you did stick thru to the end, thanks ❤ weird tweaky rant over!!

[zayadriancas]

Dnc season 3 thoughts warning spoilers ahead also very long and messy

I want to write my thoughts I have so many That was the most amazing season since season 12 in my opinion I don't know where to begin This is probs gonna be out of order because I watched all 10 episodes straight through no break only paused to type a post a few quick things on here •Maya's plot was by far my favorite I could relate to it so much, the suicide attempt was exactly how I attempted to, I didn't OD as badly as Maya but I took a lot that made me feel sick for days. The scenes with her mom especially where she threw the mirror made me cry. I've had so many similar outbursts like that. And feeling like no one was there for her. I understand why people shut her out, Grace was disturbed by the photos and Zig is basically Esmes property (not talking about the kiss but feels like he's not even allowed to talk to Maya because of Esme smh) I'll get to that later but like I've felt like that too like no ones here for me kike I only have one friend and I know he can't always be here for me but I feel like I'm not important to him and he knows I'm suicidal and depressed and I'll tie in what Lola said that I can relate to SO much, "It's like we have pain but we can't talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable" and I think that's how I make people feel and it sucks. Not that Maya really talked about her pain but she felt like no one cared. She even said "I feel like Tristan's there(hospital) because I exist" after bringing up Cam's suicide and Adams death (so glad they added him in there too because I found it weird that Maya was in a band with him and she wasn't at the funeral/bonfire or even mentioned it before) but anyway like idk where I'm going with this Maya's whole plot this season was so relatable and gave me so much tears The fact that she broke her wrists too omg 😭😭😭 but the most disturbing was the roof scene like the writers said it would be, omfg I'm so glad Esme and Zig found her and saved her I'm glad Katie made an appearance I wasn't ever the hugest fan of her but I'm glad she was there for Maya I already said this earlier but I cried when she performed the song she wrote for Zig And omg the way he tickled her was so cute THEY CONTINUE TO MURDER MY SOUL AMD I CANT BELIEVE MAYA KISSED HIM AND he finally learned his lesson to pull away when he has a girlfriend but he couldn't do that when he was with Maya UGHH I already said this but I hate Zig/Esme as a couple. I would even take Zace over this. She's so rude to everyone and I feel bad for her for what happened to her mom it's so fucking sad and I'm glad they finally told us her backstory. But the way she treated Maya, shay(especially shay but I'll get to that later) Miles, and just how she acts towards people in general. Every time Zesme kisses I cringe. I hate how she bumped Maya on purpose. Like Maya probably wasn't even aware Zesme was an official couple she knew back last season they were hanging out but it's not Maya's fault and I'm just so upset for Maya this whole season. I felt all of her pain She looked so gorgeous though I love her hair and her wardrobe this season •I love that they did a period plot. It's so realistic and relatable. I got my period at school before and bled over the back of my pants and didn't notice till way later and no one told me. Just laughed. Esme was such a bitch about it god when will that girl just shut up. Tiny was so sweet to buy Shay tampons but he shouldn't have given them to her in class lol. But I loved Frankie and Shay being there for each other this season and all their conversations. •Hunters plot I thought was gonna be lame but it actually was so funny. "Let's just agree for now that boners are funny" lmao and "we were gonna watch porn" and them all sitting there awkwardly lol •I normally don't like Zoe but I LOVED her this season and I'm so proud of her for being so confident and being open about her sexuality without caring what anyone thinks. Her and Rasha are great together I love them and I also love the Gracevas renewed friendship. ITS SO FUCKING SAD ZOES MOM KICKED HER OUT I HATE THAT BITCH. I'm so glad Grace is letting Zoe stay with her. •Like I said I loved Lola's line about her having pain but not being able to talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable like I said I can relate so much. I hate myself but I didn't hate Lola/Miles I just wish it hadn't been while he was with Tristan. But I did like their friendship a lot. I also love that Yael and Lola became friends. And I'm so glad they went in depth with the abortion plot it's so important and I'm glad everyone supported her. •Graces plot was so sad but IM GLAD SHE GOT A PLOT ABOUT HER ILLNESS and although it showed her friendship with Jonah it was all from her POV and although I suspect feelings (and I actually do ship them quite a bit tbh the scene on the golf course was so cute) it wasn't all about that it was about Grace choosing to take a chance no matter how risky and trying to live life to its fullest and I am so glad she's become the Grace we know and love this season. It made me sad when she blocked Maya's number but I understand why she did it. •Tristan at the end well throughout the whole episodes typing in his computer was so heartbreaking but I'm so glad he is awake and I'm so glad we got to see his mom finally. TBH the play the acting was so forced and had no emotion it made me cringe but I'm glad Miles told Tristan the truth. And Tristan typing into his computer "can we get pizza it's been 6 months since I've had pizza" omg •everyone there for Maya at the hospital in the end was great too even Zoe and Miles im so glad she has support. When zig said "I told her to leave me alone today" reminded me of when he said "I told cam to go away and he did" but I'm so glad everyone knows it's not their fault. I'm so so relieved and glad Maya's gonna make it and that she's gonna be okay. (Physically I mean) I know mentally it's gonna take time but I know she'll make it through this. •I don't care about Fronah but I feel bad for Frankie. What she did was wrong reading his messages but I can tell throughout the whole episodes especially when she told him in the car she wanted a break she was trying to be mature about it, I think aside from the message reading she handled herself fine throughout everything and as always I loved her friendship moments with Lola and Shay. •Miles's speech at the beginning about wanting to take someone's pain away from them and give it to himself made me cry so hard. As always, Esme pissed me off with how she treated him. Like I understand she was upset by the pictures but she should know better than anyone what it's like to go through seeing someone she loves going through pain and Miles was trying to cope in the only way he knew how. I get the pictures were triggering for the class and i get why it was asked to be turned off but to make him feel bad about it idk where im going with this im tired but anyway the whole thing just made me tear up •The whole zig/Esme sex thing and shit and every time they kissed made me wanna barf. Zig looked so hot though throughout this whole season. IM SO GLAD WE FINALLY KNOW WHERE ZIG LIVES AND OMG SAYING HE DOESNT HAVE A Family made me so sad. And like I already mentioned Esmes past shocked me and I feel so terrible for her. •Maya giving grace her ring I wanted to cry. Also when Grace said Maya was a crappy friend made me feel so upset like I get Maya kept bailing on plans but it was clear Maya was going through something. But it was clear Maya felt bad when she found out what grace was going through. Maya looking at the pics in her room made me so sad. I can't wait until she is happy like that again. She deserves so much happiness and love. •also I hope Jonah gets a plot about being in narcotics anonymous next season I'm glad they gave us something about him like we knew he had drug debts before but I thought they'd never bring it up again I'm glad they did even if it was briefly • shiny was adorable even though they kept fighting but they were able to make up which im happy for aside cuz from Zasha and the possibility of Grace/Jonah happening they are the only canon ship I care about. Well not the only one but the only one I believe will make it at this point I honestly thought Zesme would be done by ep 10 but they're still going strong and next season which is the seniors final season Maya will be recovering and Zig seemed to be over her this season and I just feel so sad I wanna have hope for Zaya but I feel like it's pointless. Of course what's most important is Maya is happy and healthy again and if she graduates happy that's all that matters to me. But Zesme being endgame terrifies me. I mean I love that zig and Maya interacted but zig mostly just seemed so wrapped up in Esme now and he had every right to move on but it still breaks my heart 😭😭😭💔💔💔 Anyway though aside from Zesme this season was amazing, totally amazing and had great plots in every episode and I was so hooked and it was definitely the best Next Class season so far. I can't believe all my faves will be leaving next season😭😭. This season was deff in my top 5 1: Season 4 2: Season 7 3: Season 12 4: DNC season 3 5: Season 11 So yeah I can't wait to see gifs of this season lol I wanna gif but I'm too tired. I wanna screencap but I'm so tired. After I sleep maybe. I'm emotionally drained from that amazing season

[shapeshifting-arch-mage]

9/23/2018, Part 1

We are now running through the forest, huffing and puffing, trying to catch up to Baku.

"Temmie... why are we-"

"i gota get to Baku! i gota get to Baku!"

"But wh-"

"i gota tell him wy i havent ben goin to hapy fun raevtime!1!"

Against my wishes, we continue to run toward the oasis.

[Baku] After leaving the haunted house Baku found himself wandering toward the oasis, he had heard about this place in the past and wanted to check it out himself. It was much warmer here and quiet. "Well that was an adventure."

[Sirius] Sirius would soon pop out of the ground, attempting to shake off the frost on his petals. “Yeah...” He would start thinking about what just happened, and spaced out due to it, deep thoughts. Why didn’t he get fear? He has seen far worse though, mostly monsters beating each other, yet he felt no fear from that either, and only recently he figured out he could dislike or like something... was that technically fear? Over the fact he disliked so much of his home and the haunted house? Right, Baku mentioned not being able to feel much either, should he open up? Hell if he knew, something told him that he shouldn’t, but he didn’t honestly care either way, maybe he should... but not right now he’s in hecking space-

[Baku] Baku chuckled. "Yer a serious space case ya know, what's on yer mind anyway?"

[Rave Witch Temmie] pant... pant... pant... We just make it to the oasis before our legs give out and we collapse. We lay face-down on the ground, panting hard.

[Sirius] Upon hearing Baku’s voice, he fell out of space and looked at them, deciding to tell them the truth, as he felt that would be something he would do. “Oh... uh... I happen to not feel much either... I mostly think on why I don’t feel anything.. other than likes and dislikes...” He wasn’t sure if the other would believe him, but it was possible, all the other Floweys he met could feel some things, but him? No he wasn’t like them...

[Rave Witch Temmie] pant... pant... pant... We weakly lift our head and pick up our hat, which fell off when we landed on the ground.

[Baku] Baku chuckled. "Yer different than most o' yer kind aren't ya?" At that Baku sat down next to the flower and grinned. "Fer my kind not having emotions is normal, we're born wit out 'em."

[Rave Witch Temmie] "...huh??" Temmie is curious. We prop ourself up on our belly and listen in on the conversation.

[Sirius] “Yeah... I’m pretty different... I heard the others don’t feel love and compassion...” He would blink, looking at Baku again. “So you’re pretending too?” Now he has found a lead, maybe his condition has something to do with this skeleton... and their kind... although he didn’t know what Baku meant by... their kind... was there another type of skeleton? He thinks, trying to prevent himself from spacing out, but doing that was difficult for him, he had nothing else to focus on after all.

[Baku] Baku laughed. "Yes, in a sense. I mean we can learn emotions by watchin' others or learnin' about 'em as we go through life. Then again most o' us aren't liked much so few o' us live long."

[Rave Witch Temmie] "b-but i liek u!1!"

"Temmie!" I think, "Don't interrupt! They're having a private conversa-"

"i liek yu a lot!1!! ur my fav dj!!1!"

[Sirius] Sirius was about to say something, but then he heard Temmie speak up, he would look over, possibly staring into their soul on accident, then he spoke up. “Lucky... I have watched others too, and I still feel nothing.” He would just continue the conversation as normal, because he couldn’t care less about Temmie being there. More like he didn’t mind, it was only one other person... not like a lot of people were listening in.

[Baku] Baku looked over when he heard the familiar voice of Temmie and chuckled. "Appreciate dat chica, but others don't share yer opinion." With that said he turned his attention back to the flower. "I ain't lucky, I still don't fully understand emotions myself but in all honesty I don't really wanna, they seem like more o' a hassle than an asset if ya ask me."

[Rave Witch Temmie] Others don't share her opinion? The heck's he talking about? At least, that's what Temmie's thinking. I know exactly what he means by that, but all Temmie can do is cry out in confusion, "w-w-w-waaaaa???"

We try to stand up, but just end up falling back on our belly again. "oof!"

We pant a few more times, and then say, "wh-wh-who dont like u?? wy som1 dont like u?? ur da best dj!1!" Wait, I can answer that question for her. In our minds, I replay the memory of my first meeting with Baku...

"...oh ya, her..." She still doesn't understand what there is not to like about Baku, though. "but wy peeps dun like u??"

[Sirius] “Feeling nothing isn’t the best way to go... that’s how I feel anyway, you can’t make friends all that well, and the people you should care about the most... they end up leaving you at some point, or constantly worry over you until you end up pretending that you care, it’s... so empty.  I dislike it.” Sirius would look at the water, sighing. “It’s like... hell? I guess...? It’s... hard to explain...”

[Baku] "I disagree, I've seen what havin' emotions can do ta a person an' I hate it." At that his aura seemed to darken a little. "Emotions only hurt ya in the long run so they're funking pointless, at least without 'em I can live freely doin' my own thing, never havin' ta hurt because someone else decided I wasn't worth their time."

[Rave Witch Temmie] We finally manage to pick ourselves up from the ground. We start to waddle closer to Baku...

"Baku, wat u talkin about? wat u mean u dont liek feelins??"

"Temmie, please, don't..."

"i liek feelins! dey feel gud! u make me feel gud! u da best! an-" I finally manage to take control of our mouth for a second and get my own words in.

"nnnnNNNO!1! hes NOT da best!1!! hes NOT nice!!1"

"...awawawa?? hooman?!? i tot u likd him to!!1"

[Sirius] “...there’s a contradiction in that second sentence. When you cant feel emotions, there is no happiness, there’s nothing, I know that first hand, having been there as an Asriel, watching my family, they looked so happy, and I was never happy with them. It... makes you not want to live, I don’t even know why I’m still here. Because it’s pointless. I tried so hard to feel something, anything, and all I have found is that I can like, dislike, and want something. That’s it.” The more Sirius talked, the more dead he sounded, his eyes were empty voids, he was surely showing a point. “Even if feeling something can hurt others, it’s worse feeling absolutely nothing. Because you can’t care about the people you want to care about, you can’t ever be happy.” God this got dark fast.

[Rave Witch Temmie] "i didnt say i didnt like him! i sed hes not nice!"

"but he gav me pretty glow necklas!1!"

"yea, but just cuz hes nice to you doesnt mean hes nice to every1!"

"wy not?"

"cuz hes bad at it!"

"wat yu mean?"

"hes just nice to you cuz you... you..."

...How do I put this without hurting her feelings? I want to tell her that, the reason Baku was nice to her was because she's such a kiss-up, but that wouldn't be a nice thing to say... and the last thing I want to do is sound like a jerk to Temmie. I'm not a jerk, rather, the one we're talking about is the jerk...

[Baku] Baku chuckled darkly. "That is where our opinions differ my man. I live freely an' do what I want, there's no void in my life, just fun." At that he grinned and looked to the sky. "I get ta party an' have a blast without a care in the world."

[Rave Witch Temmie] I decide to just drop the issue. Hearing Baku mention partying reminds Temmie of why she wanted to follow him here in the first place. We walk over to Baku's side. "hey Baku, uhhhh..."

[Sirius] “Well... you can feel joy... it seems. So you only want to feel joy? Happiness? That’s different compared to nothing...” Sirius wouldn’t press more on the issue after this, in fact, he didn’t want to for once. Ooooh another lead! Back into space he goes.

[Baku] "Eh maybe, don't really know don't really care, I like things as they are." At that Baku laid down on the ground, watching the sky. "I live my life as a DJ an' I'm fine wit dat."

[Rave Witch Temmie] "Temmie, I think he's busy-" 

"hey Baku, uhhh... im sorry i couldnt go to ur raves, cuz ive been livin wit hooman, and she doesnt kno were ur raves are, so we couldnt go..."

We press our paws together anxiously. "ive been wantin to go but i couldnt cuz of hooman... im sorry..."

[Sirius] Sirius would stay silent, now he listens in, he didn’t know what else to say on this matter, other than an “ok” or “mhm” god conversation is hard.

[Baku] Baku grinned at the Temmie. "Hey no worries chica, ya don't have ta show up at every single one, just try to make it ta the ones ya can."

[Rave Witch Temmie] "i-i wannaaaaa..." We frown. "but human is- mmmmf!" There I go slapping our paw over our mouth again. But this time, Temmie manages to remove it and continue speaking.

"i wana take human to ur rave!1! i told her shes gota go somtime!1 its da best rave evr!11 but shes scar-mmf!" And back over our mouth the paw goes...

...but only for a second. "hooman, wy yu keep doin dat?"

[Baku] Baku smirked. "I know exactly why she's doin' it, she doesn't want me ta find out who she is even though I already know exactly who she is, ain't dat right Cookie."

[Rave Witch Temmie] Upon hearing that last word...

...

...We freeze.

All we- or I- can do, is s t a r e, wide-eyed, mouth agape, like we've just seen a ghost. But, if I'm being honest, seeing a ghost wouldn't have been nearly as scary as what I just heard Baku say right now.

H o w d i d h e f i n d o u t ? ?

[Baku] Baku laughed. "Did ya really think I wouldn't notice, actions speak louder than words ya know. The constant stopping of Temmie every time it was even remotely possible she could give ya away was a red flag sweetheart, I'm no fool."

[Rave Witch Temmie] "h-h-hooman...???" Temmie thinks, my fear rubbing off onto her, "h-how does Baku no about... cookys??"

"THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO- wait, cookies??"

"ya, cooky poshin!1! remembr?? were gona make cooky poshin!1!"

...The cookie potion. That's right... I had completely forgotten about that. Temmie must have mistakenly thought that Baku was referring to the magic cookie potion we still haven't made, and not to... well, me...

...Which gives me an idea. In a last-ditch effort to save face, we ask,

"...w-w-w-what cookies?? i dont got any cookies..."

[Baku] Baku grinned. "Really you're gonna try an' pull dat shiz wit me, what part o' I'm no fool do ya not get hm? I know it's you sweetheart stop tryin' ta hide."

[Rave Witch Temmie] "i dont got no cookys1!1"

At this point, this is kind of both of us saying this. I never actually told Temmie that I call myself Cookie, since I never felt the need to (and also to prevent her from spilling the beans to Baku about it). So, she still doesn't realize that Baku is talking about me, and not the magic potion we've been wanting to make. I, meanwhile, am just denying that I'm Cookie. Because I never told Baku that I call myself that. And yet he still found out.

[Baku] "Eh whatever suit yourself sweetheart, but trust me yer not very good at hidin'." At that Baku stood up and stretched. He then turned to the flower who was sitting there spacing out once more. "Well anyway I'm gonna go walk around, follow if ya want my petaled bro but otherwise I'm ditchin' this place." At that he turned to leave the oasis.

[Rave Witch Temmie] Normally, Temmie would have wasted no time following Baku wherever he was headed, but right now, we are in too much shock to do anything but stand there, like a deer in the headlights.

"hooman... howd Baku no about cookys??"

"He wasn't talking about cookies, Temmie. He was talking about me."

"waaa?? but ur not a cooky!1! ur a hooman!1!"

"Yes, I am. But... I like to call myself... Cookie..."

[Sirius] Sirius would have followed Baku, only because he wanted to leave as well, this was odd, not like he knew how this skeleton was... it was more like he was interested in how he worked, how he was able to be happy despite being born without them, that interested him the most, how was that possible?

[Rave Witch Temmie] "Soft Cookie. I call myself Soft Cookie. It's not my real name; it's actually the name of one of my shape-shifted forms... but I like the name. It has a nice ring to it. But how in the world... how did Baku find that out?!? I never told him... I made certain not to ever tell him. So how he found out... it makes absolutely no sense that he found out! Unless..."

"...ya?"

"...Someone else told him..."

Continuing to stand out here in the forest isn't going to do us any good, though. We should probably head back to the resort. We begin to make our way out of the forest.

...Slowly.

We walk through the forest, and back to the resort; our looming sense of dread never leaving us.

[ravings-running-rampant-blog]

Wtf m8....

So one thing i know i could talk for days about is people. I watch more then i ever chose to interact. I dont know if it was fear of not fitting in or knowing i dont fit in and hoping desperately to be able to relate anyways. Recently ive felt a strong desire to write something that will outlast and outlive my life on this planet. Ive been trying to figure out what would still be usefull in terms of knowledge i can pass on and ive only come to one conclusion, my experience. After im no longer a part of this physical world i can still share my mind with many others. Ive gone through some rough shit to get to where i am today and id like to preface this by saying im still a work in progress and hope it stays that way.... Throughout the entirety of my life one thing has remained true, i wake up and i try each day to be better then i was the previous day. No matter how big or small, i wasnt satisfied till i thought i was doing something to better myself. Hindsight 20/20 i can honestly say that even though the path was treacherous i wouldnt have done things differently, i like where my head is and i like whats ahead of me. That doesnt mean it didnt start out rocky. Before the age of 5 id known the loss of a father figure and id lost close relatives as well. Id seen my mom deal with life-changing events, i got to watch how she coped with it all and i got to understand growing up in the 90s without a positive male rolemodel. I had a abusive childhood, no real dad so i kept trying to find something i could learn from and someone to look up to. Everywhere i looked i saw deadbeat dads... my own father i cant even be sure is my father cuz he was on too many drugs to impregnate my mom, she was sleeping with a sperm donor at the time. Honestly the man i call dad is who i believe to be my dad....weve got too many things in common. Ive got too damn many of his bad habits i need to break and its wierd but ya know when you wear a hat on your head long enough it smells like you? My hat and my dads hats smell the same, he smells like me. He wasnt much of a dad to begin with but he was definitely my dad... he drank excessively, smoked way too much weed, did one too many lines of blow and smoked cigarettes like a chimney. He used to recycle his own shells, for target practice, so he had a smell of gun cleaner and lubricants attached to him no matter where ya found him but if he wasnt workin then youd find him at the billiards hall playin pool or back home sleepin. He owned an old airstream trailer that he had renovated and added onto, he had two lots to begin with, one was an enclosed workshop mainly for his carpentry and the other was the trailer and addons. I remember when i was still very young and we would take trips in the old chevy from Vancouver to squamish and back. I remember how i would curl up between my mom and dad and sleep the whole trip, i remember when that changed and my father became the one who looked at me as a waste of his time too.... It was progressive, it wasnt like anything happened quickly, but it was noticeable. One week hed be excited and mostly sober, hed have something for us to do and then one week id be forgotten...id have to get to the house on my own because he forgot where he was picking me up. The less i saw of him the easier it became. I could forget i even had a dad, i would forget too.... by the time i was two years old my mom had nearly gotten herself and me on our feet without dad. Got a place for the two of us and liked her job, blah blah blah. I was an independent individual even at that age. Ask my mom and she will tell you stories of my intelligence even at a young age. She will tell you how i knew 100 words at the age of 1, how i used to recite everything i heard as i fell asleep, How when she opened the fridge id start listing everything i could see and knew the name of. I dont believe it....it could be possible but likely? I leave my momma to her stories, all mommas got em. After we moved into our new second floor appt things calmed a little, until the car accident, it changed everything for everyone. My mom was in the back passenger side i was up front and my grandma was driving, it was supposed to be bday dinner for me to clelebrate with my family.. i was supposed to be turning 4 that year. We collided head on with an oncoming vehicle, they drove on the wrong side of the highway so there was no avoiding it. After the initial impact we were battered on all the remaining sides by 4 other vehicles and found out that we couldnt move. The firefighters had to use the jaws of life to peel the roof off just to get everyone out safely. My mom suffered 12 fractures on her left side which was damn near crushed and my grandma died in a coma six months after the accident. I remember my moms tears, i remember grammas passing was right after my mom came to see her in the icu. My mom had 6 months of PT and when she could move again she went to see her mom and tell her its ok and that she was safe. I was mute for 6 months while i stayed with my dad, said nothing. I still feel for that little kid, if i could remind him life isnt always comfortable i would. While my mother was staying at the hospital i was stuck at my dads and i hated it. I hated feeling like it was my fault, i hated how he didnt know how to talk to me or even check on me at all. I did more for him then he really did for me, i fed myself and cleaned up after myself. I wanted him to be my dad, i wanted to be taught how to be a better man. I didnt wanna have to run to my mom to get all those questions answered...moms and dads do shit differently, different timing and scheduling. A moms idea of whats best for a boy to learn while becoming a man is different then what dad thinks and i was lacking alot of the male side of things. When i needed a role model it was already too late, i needed alot of guiding. I needed someone who would have been able to call me on my shit and make it difficult for me to get away with whatever i wanted. By the time i was old enough to understand that sometimes we grow up too fast most of what still made me innocent was no longer important to me. I had just uprooted my life to move half way across a country to live with a family i barely know and to start over in a place we would be able to get the help my mom really wanted. I felt out of place and i truly havent felt belonging since we landed on july 16th 2001... turns out even tho they call themselves family they are just related acquaintances.... we were closer before moving and when we actually needed help from them well it was always conditional and instead of handling it like family everyone dealt with it like their opinion matters most. We dont talk anymore, i havent heard from them in at least ten years. Its always just been me and my mom on our own and instead of turning that into what it could have been we caught ourselves up in what the 'Right' thing to do or the best thing to was and we were wingin it. Its hard always knowing what the best or smartest choices are but its not hard to figure out which choices will benefit you short-term/long-term. In all honesty we came at a time when things were changing worldwide, we saw the worst things bringing out the best and worst of everyone. I remember walking into my private school on 9/11 and being utterly confused at the importance of those buildings and why this was even on tv let alone holding up everyone from daily curriculum. I remember the way everyone kinda huddled together, as if the proximity to more people would make em stronger. Like if we shared in this moment we could instantly bind our fears and strengthen our resolve, together. It actually worked for a little while too but the thing about fear is that its always there somewhere, lurking. We became bound as one nation, bound by an act committed against not who we are but also what we stand for. Bound by such as weve never seen, my heart goes out to all affected and those still suffering, god bless you. 9/11 was trying to undo everything this country stands for and everything that makes america great, 9/11 was fed to the dissolutioned masses as a way to unite the people under a single banner. We needed a cause and used it to fuel a fire that spread fast and far. We were in need of a leader whos decisions were for the betterment of our country, we got a daddys boy playing whitehouse instead. I dont have many nice things to say about the way this country was and is run nor do i have anything bad to say about it either but one things for damn sure.... i think everything is coming to a head.....an ugly ass greygreen mess of a whitehead ready to pop and spew its poison deeper into the world as we know it. I think things have been leading towards an upheaval of some sort, a revolt of some kind, for at least ten years now.... we live in a pocket of reality where its easier to buy and own a gun then it is to keep food in your family's bellies. We live in a country whos figurehead is a man made famous by broadcast television and whos admittedly a womanizer and racist..... immigrants are what made this country and now these people we made it so easy to accommodate for have run out of their own usefulness. I cant possibly be the only person whos eyes are open enough to see the truth, im not the only one who is experiencing things like this am i? Now i understand that because im not born here you may think my opinion means less and i understand that if i have a problem i can just go back to canada but what if i dont want to? What if im so far from what i know that everything has started to look to me like this shit is just the new normal? Anyone else seeing the problem there???? I guess our idea of what is and isnt normal is so skewed now everything just seems....caddywompus... its gotta be easier to ignore what they feed you when it looks like something your used to eating.... Every day is designed to break down our barriers and make us search outside ourselves, we are simultaneously pushed into finding someone to use and sacrificing them for our own personal benefit.... we meet new people each day and somehow we understand that these people are supposed to mean nothing, they are replaceable...somewhere along the line the message got skewed tho cuz not a single person alive right now is replaceable and everybody has meaning to someone. This country will chew ya up and spit you right on out if ya aint watchin.... at the worst of times life keeps growing like a tumor and at the best of times its flooding the halls with the scent of fresh cut flowers. Am i the only one who can see just how convoluted the future is going to be? Almost like the farther along we go in this pregnancy, the more likely the kids gunna pop out with a vestigial tail or some shit. This is america, im learning you either embrace the change or get thrown out with the rest of the trash. Till next time. =)

[theangstbrigade]

-- impenetrableVitality [IV] began pestering estrapadingTrueblue [ET] at 20:13 --

IV: i need to talk to you

ET: Im sure you do.

ET: The fuck is this about?

IV: you said a lot of stuff last night

IV: your and colt's thing is your thing but

IV: what did i do to make you hate me so much

IV: it's fine that you do i'd just like to know why

ET: Not to sound sardonic but are you referring to recently? Or in general.

IV: let's do both

ET: Yeah cool. Because either one is relevant.

ET: Youre an idiot and I fucking hate seeing you make the same mistakes over and over again. Cuz for whatever reason you never learn from em.

ET: And somehow. It never fails but you always manage to make shit worse for you. Worse for everyone.

ET: Now theres a kid involved and we come back to the initial point.

ET: Youre an idiot.

IV: okay and you're always as vague as possible

IV: what same mistakes am i making exactly

ET: Why are we talking about this like it aint the most obvious shit in the world dude.

IV: because i don't know what the fuck i keep repeating

ET: You dont know how to take care of yourself so you take care of everyone else.

ET: You try but what the hell is the point??

ET: Youve never even liked you???????

ET: Real great example youre gettin ready to set onto someone whos got no way of formulating her own opinion about you.

ET: Its just the fucking worst reason to take in a little girl. To gratify all your own stupid fucking shortcomings.

ET: I hate it. And I hate you. End of story.

IV: that's a real nice story for someone you don't know anymore

IV: i mean i'd hate me too if any of that were true to who i am now

IV: what perspective are you looking from like 3-4 years ago

ET: I dont have to know you any more than you have to know me.

ET: Christ.

ET: Youre THAT predictable.

IV: i can admit i don't know who you are

IV: maybe i did when we were kids but people change and you changed and i changed

IV: i'm not fucking incompetent joel

ET: Still doesnt justify anything.

ET: Why you stayin with Colt huh? Do you not have a plan for her? You?

IV: i have a plan for her not being shoved around foster care like she would be if i hadn't taken her

ET: Thats your self righteous bullshit.

IV: so you're saying i should have left her but you would still hate me just as much wouldn't you

ET: Thats the general thing I was referencing to yes.

IV: because you see people as you want to see them regardless of anything else

IV: i'm finally at a place where i can admit that i've found a much better balance

IV: i can take care of other people and myself at the same time

IV: but you don't want to see that at all

IV: you want to hate me so you keep your reasons

IV: we were friends joel what the hell happened

ET: Whats a friendship if I aint ever been able to depend on you dude.

ET: You know what we talk about when we talk? You.

ET: Maybe Im fucking sick of it.

ET: Thats what the hell happened.

IV: then why didn't you tell me

ET: You didnt deserve to know.

IV: great

IV: perfect

IV: fuck

IV: look

IV: i know i was fucked up

IV: i know i was hurting other people when i was trying to be helpful

IV: like really hurting other people

IV: i have most of it under control now

ET: Well hey. Theres a point in your favor.

ET: Congratulations.

IV: do you know why i did what i did

IV: why i freaked out all the time at everyone and tried to do everything possible to make sure nothing bad happened to them

ET: No.

IV: are you going to let me tell you or will it be a waste of time

ET: Doesnt matter what I think.

IV: well it's not going to change the truth so let's give it a shot

ET: For fucks sake.

IV: ever since i can remember i couldn't stop thinking about everyone around me dying in horrible terrible but possibly preventable ways

IV: especially people i cared about

IV: i didn't want to think about it okay like

IV: but i could imagine it in my head all the time

IV: i found that there were certain items that i knew could help me in certain situations

IV: my backpack

IV: everything in my backpack i counted 3 times every day to make sure i had everything possible to do what i could to make sure no one else died

IV: it took over my life

IV: if i didn't have my backpack then i was too careless then all of those images would be right at the forefront of my mind again

IV: i remember being over at your place and the first time you got a cut all i could see was it getting infected and you dying

IV: it was awful i hated being so paranoid and neurotic all the fucking time

IV: i hated chasing you away

IV: and you're right yeah i hated who i was

IV: and it got to the point where i had somehow convinced myself i was the main problem

IV: i would lead everyone around me to their deaths because of how much my helping didn't actually help

IV: that's when the whole woods thing happened

IV: that's when i got diagnosed

IV: i got medication i got help i learned other methods to keep that stuff out of my head

IV: it didn't always work but

IV: surprise i'm sick

IV: officially fucked up

IV: and i'd like to think i've gone forward from then

IV: now you know

ET: Still dont see the point of you trying to level with me.

IV: if you want proof i'm not the same person

IV: ...

IV: fight me

ET: Bitch what.

IV: you've always wanted to

IV: i never let you

IV: so now i am

ET: Yeah okay.

ET: Time to fuck off Finn.

ET: Go home.

IV: i'm serious

ET: Yeah. So am I.

ET: This conversation never happened.

-- estrapadingTrueblue [ET] ceased pestering impenetrableVitality [IV] at 21:50 --

IV: no

IV: it doesn't work like that

ET: Maybe not to you. But listen.

ET: This isnt working out.

ET: You need to quit while youre ahead and figure whether any of this is actually fucking worth it. Because Ill tell you. Its not.

ET: Live your life and forget I ever expressed some disagreeable opinion about your choices.

IV: i can't forget and i'm not going to forget you or what you say

IV: because you were always family to me too

ET: Then thats your problem.

ET: Im done with you.

ET: Bye Finn.

IV: even if now it's like an estranged cousin that hates me

-- estrapadingTrueblue [ET] ceased pestering impenetrableVitality [IV] at 21:55 --

-- estrapadingTrueblue [ET] changed their mood to OFFLINE --

[normal-thoughts-official]

Spare opinions and headcanons on trans magnus

[cracks knuckles so hard they all break]

okay honestly there are always new trans magnus headcanons to be had but i was talking to kinkym and i realised i never said anything about magnus' transition so

okay so like. magnus knew he was trans ever since he was a kid and that was fine mostly. stepfather was a bit of a dick but he was fine. but because of his stepfather and some other ppl being kind of dicky, magnus started considering trying to change his overall appearance and body. also he already kind of had an interest in medicine/chemistry and he prolly studied a lot about plants' and animal parts' natural properties. he didnt go very far with that regarding his transition but it solidified his interest in related things which would help him later.

so once he started learning to get ahold of his magic, both before and after asmodeus, he started using that. Ive said in another ask that i think magic works like both a sense and a limb in sh lore. so he started using it to kind of try and understand the workings of his body better, you know? and with that he slowly learned how to make changes. and then when puberty started to kick in he noticed the changes in his blood and yeah, that's how Magnus figures out hormones on his own (im not gonna say he discovers it cuz like other warlocks probably already know and i would bet good money that other cultures had already figured this out before modern western did - that only happened in the first decade of the 20th century btw - but you know, he figured out magic by himself, so he's self taught on that department). and so he starts making adjustments on his hormone levels so his puberty is different. but that's kind of a pain, specially because theres such a delicate balance and hormones actually have a very complex self-regulating system (I SWEAR IM NOT MAKING COMPLICATED RESEARCH FOR THIS I ALREADY KNEW THAT I JUST WANTED TO PUT A SOURCE BECAUSE I LIKE SHARING INFORMATION) so what the fuck is going on, right? so he uses magic to study these relations between hormones, and figures out how they relate to each other and where they all come from - so then he just goes on and makes some changes in his adrenal glands and voilà, natural testosterone production + basically a degree in endocrynology at this point. that is why he has a flat chest, is tall and etc; he basically took self made puberty blockers and T because hes a small baby genius who loves science and has a deep liking for chemistry and relationship with nature and ugh im so emo about little scientist magnus

once he joins the warlock community he shares his findings with other warlocks and he is delighted to learn all they know about every subject as well - that's when he falls in love with physichs and starts his portals project, but thats another topic i have way too many headcanons about so lets leave it at that. for a while hes just deep into studyings of science and magic and how he can use them together - wait i said i would move on. fuck. shit. i fucked up. fuck

and like again warlocks are super cool about him being trans, again warlocks dont care about gender and know its all fake anyway, so do seelies - also considering seelies have an even deeper relationship with nature and magic he could also learn so much with them, fuck - vampires are kind of whatever, depends on when they were born really, so his environment is pretty chill when it comes to that. also, hes enby, plus for many years men wearing makeup and "feminine" clothing was perfectly normal and it kind of balanced out his super masc body because he wanted a little more of a mix. but mundanes were shit, so in his mundane life he had to hide most of the time. but look, trans ppl have always existed, and there was something of a queer scene ever since, well, queer expression started being repressed lmao. so what im trying to say is that he met other mundane trans kids and being the sweetheart serial adopter that he is, he not only took them under his wing and tried to protect and help them (with whatever; safe binding, finding a job, struggling with having to hide, the whole shebang, he had enough experience to have useful insight on pretty much any topic) when he met someone who was dysphoric or wanted particular changes in their body he just. secretly did it. like he would "feel" their organism's workings with his magic and just casually adjust some stuff and suddenly they were growing T/Estrogen and becoming more androgynous and wow, what gives? theres kind of a rumor that gets spread that this one bar has magical transitioning properties and it kind of becomes a hot spot for trans youth after that. and that's super cool, so they make the most of it and slowly a trans community starts growing there, with ppl helping each other ge away from abusive environments and housing and protecting other ppl from violence and shit like that. and it's just. an amazing thing that Magnus kind of started and got to be an active part of building and making. ugh im so emo.

and as the 20th century nears those just keep spreading, and magnus is so happy to see that these mundane kids now have something similar to what he has in the warlock/seelie community - a place where it doesnt matter and theres active solidarity and support. Ive already said that i think magnus was at stonewall helping protect the rioters about a million times so i will refrain from saying it again but i will say i headcanon that Magnus was good friends with Sylvia Rivera - an amazing, bisexual latina trans woman who fought to end prison and for queer liberation. ggghhhhhhhggghhh and okay that's what i have so far because every time someones like "hey do you have any thoughts about [subject i have a lot of thoughts about]" i immediately forget all my thoughts but, uh, hmu with more trans magnus questions lmao i live for that shit