#d feel bad if i died.. but genuinely i get very little joy out of living the only time im happy is when im high n when im getting positive a

[gumdecay]

.

[badass-at-fandoming]

Just Little Ventrue Things ~

I finished a Camarilla Ventrue run of VTMB. Mostly, the only thing Ventrue these days know how to do is Dominate, run screaming, eat hot chip, and lie, and [high falsetto voice] here’s a list of other nonsense I discovered:

PC’s name is Christina; she’s a Dominatrix because I’m bi. Her sire was one of her clients, and she’s actually very, very angry about his death. She doesn’t mind being a vampire. She’s Wiccan and part of a coven

In this Camarilla run, I decided I would only do quests given by Camarilla members. My justification was that, while Christina is intelligent and curious about lore, she focuses on tasks that immediately relate to her and her goals. She’s not curious about others; won’t go out of her way to talk to them. She’s not a bleeding heart, like my other PCs, and she believes in the Camarilla’s laws. She just hates LaCroix for killing her sire. Her plan during the game is to curry as much favor within the Cam as possible and cozy up to LaCroix so she can stab him.

Enough backstory

Nonsense time

Smiling Jack laughs at you if you don’t eat a rat in the tutorial. LOL. The Ventrue dialog is like “I could barely choke down the homeless man: please don’t make me eat a rat!”

The blood in the Santa Monica haven’s fridge is now blue blood. Does regular blood make Ventrue sick? I was too scared to experiment.

[spots Mercurio] I am going to steal that ghoul

Rosa: The people you’re looking for are up there. Christina, assuming Rosa is a Cam agent: Okay, thanks, bye

Never spoke to the Thin-Bloods again (sorry Lily baby ;-;)

Everyone except Julius still leaves when the PC reaches Hollywood

If you try to feed on Julius, he WILL kick you in the head and you WILL glitch into the fire, be on fire; run away screaming in Prada

You can skip the whole basement of the Ocean House Hotel if you manage to jump over the hole in the staircase???? Like?? You mean the spookiest fucking level has been optional this whole time I”M

[ghost appears] [Christina smacks it with an axe] None of that.

Club girls speak to Christina and I’m on the FLOOR

Therese “kills” Jeanette, even though I had enough oompa to make that not happen.

Therese joins the Camarilla and says she’s in good position to be the next Prince??? Hello??? Where is our Prince Voerman ending????

Went straight to LaCroix, called him “sir,” and he name-dropped Napoleon.

LaCroix tells Christina to go visit the Anarchs. She blows the Anarchs off (Nines made a growly face, Damsel dialog yowl-exited out after I asked if she wanted to join the Cam; Skelter threatened to murder me twice). When LaCroix told Christina that, while he admired her Cam loyalty, she must listen to her enemies to understand what they wanted, it felt like he was actually being a good sire and mentor.

That’s weird.

When Christina asked for his history, he very carefully explained his lineage, like the important part of Ventrue culture it is.

Overall, I found LaCroix-being-nice-to-me extremely unsettling.

Sir. Stop smiling at me, sir. Stop being impressed I don’t ask for money. STOP MAKING ME UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE LIKE YOU, SIR.

In contrast, LaCroix sounded genuinely betrayed at the end

Also made it more obvious when he started to lose track of his marbles

Ventrue PC seems juuuuuuust tall enough for her forehead to glitch into the ceiling of literally any confined space

The dirty Elizabeth Dane policeman didn’t psspspspsp at Christina so the whole ship was 15 white-knuckled minutes of making police dance and scuttling about

There is!!! A lot less!!! Talking in this game!!! Than I remember!!! She is only good at talking and ordering people around i am bEGGING

All EXP goes to Dominate and making Christina extremely charismatic and buff.

Ventrue himbo????

Beckett un-himbo-ifies her

She insults Beckett on their first meeting, spitting out “What do you want, wolfie?!” I thought this was appropriate because she died like, 4 times on that warehouse mission and was Extremely Stressed And Under Duress

Beckett’s response of “Oh, you’re too young to have mouthed off to the truly old ones yet.” makes his later snide remark of “the young ones are so temperamental” 900% funnier. Yeah, LaCroix! Beckett thinks I��ve grown and am now more mature than you! XD

Missions involving sex workers hit different when you’re a sex worker.

Christina was incandescent with rage at the Brotherhood

Grout’s mansion mission was a lot of “I have no interest in this nonsense.”

For the first time ever, I didn’t kill anyone during the Museum quest! This is because Christina ran very fast and Dominated every guard as quickly as possible. Every single fucking guard knew she was there, but could do nothing about it, because they were dancing. The door to the sarcophagus locked (it will do this if too many guards are agro), but locked doors are no match for noclip hack.

Entertaining image of a tall woman absolutely blasting into this museum room and Beckett tackling her to the floor like wait! I must snark at you! You are legally obligated to speak with me!

Isaac is still somehow a pretty chill guy to work with if you’re Camarilla.

Christina didn’t visit VV or Ash. Interestingly, Ash didn’t show up at the hunter monastery later. Did he just die in his club? Is he still there, waiting, deciding?

Christina @ Andrei: what the fuck is this shit

“I don’t care. It’s ugly. Clean it up.”

SEWERS.

Not as bad as I was expecting

Did take shortcut, run away from fights, ducked out in the middle for a snack, and bring 7 blue blood packs tho

Gary threatened to shred her face with a cheese grater, which I thought was Toreador only dialog?? It must be connected to the Appearance Stat. Which Christina has maxed out.

When Heather became Christina’s ghoul, I was delighted because I thought this meant Christina would always have fresh blood.

No

If you ask to feed on her too soon after the last time, Heather says she feels light headed and wants to lie down. The dialog exits out

I love you, Heather bb

Perfected the art of nudging NPCs into corners

Mitnick’s quests now feature Enforced Nap Time for all guards

Seriously, Dominate is ridiculously powerful, hooooly shit. I get why people like it. I also like it when people do things I ask them to do.

Christina can’t sneak, but she CAN strongly encourage everyone to choke on their own tongues.

Very high contrast in the beginning of the game: 2 punches would knock her over, but anyone she spoke to would obey immediately and without question

Chinatown goes by ridiculously fast if you can’t sneak and don’t do any sidequests besides Mitnick’s.

For the first time ever, Zhao survived! This is because Christina made him take a nap.

He just told her to leave

You’re welcome, my good dude

IDK if it’s a game glitch, but Christina would vocalize? In battle, she grunts with effort and pain.

Got to the point where I kept expecting Dominate dialog in every interaction and would get disappointed if it didn’t show up. What do you mean I have to actually convince people? That’s lame.

Christina was polite and charming to Ming Xiao, who also conveyed a deeper betrayal than normal at the end. ;-;

I promise to give you a Ventrue boy toy soon, Xiao

Finale arc quests went by VERY FAST because Christina can’t sneak for shit. Just run in, Dominate blazing

You can skip the outside bit of the Hallowbrook Hotel if you find the open door on the top level what the fuuuuuuuuuCK

[“A Little Party Never Killed Nobody” plays while Christina wipes out the Sabbat in 10 minutes]

Andrei disappeared mid-fight and didn’t come back until I complained that only I was allowed to run away from boss fights

I’m categorizing “triggering the interaction to save Heather” as something quite difficult to do. The timing has to be just right. I’ve missed it twice now. BUT hacking into the game to save her is easy.

I love you, Heather bb

Final Beckett talk had the vibe of “You’re a very different person than me, but you’re also High Humanity and trying to do good. You don’t deserve to die.”

Damsel threatens to kick the shit out of Christina and is extremely reluctant to tell her where Nines is

“Out of all people, they send you? All right, let’s just talk terms.” - Nines because Christina was short with him one (1) time

WEREWOLF HARD

You can just?? Walk out of your haven?? Without speaking to Jack at all???

I didn’t do that

But I could have

[”Dust in the Wind” plays while Christina kills entire Camarilla hit squad in 3 minutes]

You can visit Mercurio and Trip on your way out of Santa Monica??

Mercurio makes no comment on the blood hunt. Business as usual with him. This is fine.

Christina: I’m SO going to adopt that ghoul. And perhaps Isaac can be convinced to part with Romero...

(For the first time ever, my PC boinked Romero. Twice, to receive the break up email)

This is definitely a glitch, but Christina brushed up against Caine, and a worried voice said, “Are you all right?” It sounded like the same voice actor, but a higher pitch?

Always nice to think about Caine demonstrating care

Christina asked Caine who he is, and Caine replied that he “gets people where they’re going. [He’s] a driver,”  which is a nice nod (lol) to both his literal job as a driver and as a shepherd/creator/god to Kindred. Caine creates and makes fate.

Caine triple checks with Christina that she’s sure Strauss won’t betray her. Thanks, Vampire Dad. :’D

For some reason, only other Ventrue guarded LaCroix’s tower. I wonder if this is intentional. Like all the other Camarilla Clans backed Strauss and left? So only LaCroix’s Ventrue lackeys remain? Anyway, it created some weird moments where Christina fought her double.

KILL YOUR DOUBLE

Sheriff laughed in haughty joy that he was to kill Christina. I don’t remember him laughing in other playthroughs.

Christina ruining Caine and Jack’s prank oh noes

[dreamersscape]

In Which I Attempt to Wreak Havoc Upon Panharmonium's Heart. Or Something.

Because I am an awesome friend, clearly, and possibly making people sad/verklempt is definitely an excellent way to (belatedly 😔 but I did start before the 15th!) celebrate Kakashi's birthday, right? ;)

I will admit up front that this is nowhere near as deftly structured and compiled as your Kakashi fanmix, @panharmonium, but that is precisely why I'm not even going to try to organize all these songs into individual playlists. Yet. Plus, I have a tendency to over-explain so this way I can better expound on why certain songs remind me of certain characters. Sorry that I sorta went a little... overboard?

Everything--except a few that aren't available on spotify, I'll link to them directly--can be listened to HERE.

What I'm Looking For - Brendan Benson | Kakashi → I may be a little biased with this one because it fits SO many of my favorite characters so well, somehow, but there's just something about the upbeat/tongue-in-cheek musical cues/delivery of lines such as 'I visit hell on a daily basis, and I see the sadness in all your faces' that just feels so Kakashi to me.

Happy Ending - MIKA | Kakashi → This is presumably a breakup song, but I enjoy it so much more in a non-romantic context (and the song itself isn't really boxed in with overtly romantic framing, so I appreciate that!). Anyway, some very important instructions IMO for listening to this with Kakashi in mind: everything before the bridge is about Kakashi up through his ANBU years, but when you get to the 'little bit of love' refrain, picture Kakashi meeting Tenzo, and then becoming Team 7's sensei, opening back up to Gai, adopting all the other leaf genin, assimilating Sai and Yamato into Team 7, and it keeps building with Kakashi gaining more and more loved ones to fill the hole in his heart, and then cry tears of joy with me! Just my personal suggestion. :D

Light - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi & Team 7 (/all his kids)

with every heartbeat I have left I will defend your every breath

→ I've seen this song used for ship vids and I'm all ????? about that because this is clearly a song about the love you have for your child! But I suppose if one of my favorite pastimes is aggressively re-interpreting love songs in non-romantic ways, I can't begrudge the opposite process... too much, lol.

Heroes - MIKA | Team Minato

your blood on me/and my blood on you/but to make you bleed/the only thing I wouldn't do/.../I wish there was a way/to give you a hand to hold/'cause you don't have to die in your glory/die, to never grow old

Long Lost Friends - Transit | Kakashi & Obito

how long/do you have to say that/this is not the person I used to know/you are not the person I used to know/.../because lately, you've been looking at me like you've seen a ghost/and isn't it obvious who's been missing who the most

→ What the heck! What the heck! What the heck! What the heck! What the heck!

Against the Voices - Switchfoot | Kakashi

'cause everybody knows/the hardest war to fight/is the fight to be yourself/when the voices try to turn you into someone else

Out of the Darkness - Matthew and the Atlas | Obito? Yamato? Kakashi? Itachi & Sasuke? Naruto & Kurama? → I'm a bit undecided about this one, or if I should just not worry about choosing one character and just let myself feel all the "inner darkness is not an innate characteristic, Danzo! They're just grieving/in a lot of pain, and they can find their way out of that dark place!" feels.

Save A Place - 1969 | Kakashi & Sasuke

so I'll keep away and save a place for you/and I'll only make the same mistakes as you/.../when all the blood all over your fingers is dried up/the pain will still linger

→ I'm not uber-confident in picking out really fitting Kakashi & Sasuke songs yet, but I hope this hits a lot of the right notes for you. :)

Thrive - Switchfoot | Kakashi

I'm always close, but I'm never enough/I'm always in line, but I'm never in love/I get so down, but I won't give up/I get so down, but I won't give up

→ See, it says right there that he's never in love! Not the crux of the song, and he's not always 'in line' either, but still! :)

Disarm - The Civil Wars | Kakashi & Obito

the years burn, burn, burn

→ I don't know how I keep collecting fictional relationships that work so well for this song, but literally every single line of this song hits so hard for these two?? Will never recover from this. (Also, I usually disregard when 'my love' pops up in the last line of the chorus, as the mood dictates. :) It's pretty incidental as is IMO.)

Renaissance - Paolo Buonvino & Skin | Sakumo & Obito & Kakashi & Naruto

let me show you one last time/let me show you one last sign/you can find it/I can't say that I can change the world/but if you let me, I can make another world for us/let me suffer all for you/make this vision all brand new/we can fight them/I can't say that I can win it all, [but] come with me and I will make my words stand tall

→ Okay, this is a very odd choice given that it's actually the theme song for a different show about the Italian renaissance (if you happen to see this, Mirjam, don't hate me!), but this could be IT! The "those who break the rules are scum, but those who would abandon their friends are worse than scum" anthem that's all about building a better world based on these principles! I really hope our sharing-a-brain talent translates to listening to this song in this way because I am feeling SOME KIND of way about this!

The Lament of Eustace Scrubb - The Oh Hellos | Kakashi → I really liked the song you chose from this album for your fanmix, so now I've feeling a tiny bit too on-the-nose with my choice, but I guess this is just a Kakashi album all around. 😆

Glass Heart Hymn - Paper Route | Kakashi(+ Obito) & Sasuke(+ Itachi)

memories as heavy as a stone/ I am empty, in my end you are my beginning

This Is Home - Switchfoot | Yamato & Kakashi (+ Team 7)

and now, after all my searching/after all my questions/I'm gonna call it home

→ All finding-where-you-belong songs are actually Yamato songs. True story!

Faust, Midas, & Myself - Switchfoot | Obito

you have one life left to leave/you have one life left to lead

→ Could this be any more perfect for Obito? It even has creepy-old-man!Madara!

Pluto - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

Always Gold - Radical Face | Kakashi & Obito/Sasuke & Itachi/Naruto & Sasuke

all my life, I've never known where you've been/there were holes in you, the kind that I could not mend/and I heard you say, right when you left that day/does everything go away?/yeah, everything goes away/but I'm going to be here till forever/so just call when you're around

→ ...but mostly Kakashi & Obito because 'there were holes in you' 😭😭😭

Lemon Boy - Cavetown | Yamato & Kakashi → You already know the delights of this song of course, but I gots to be comprehensive. :)

Everywhere I Go - Lissie/cover by Sleeping At Last | Kakashi & Team Minato

danger will follow me now everywhere I go/angels will call on me and take me to my home/well, these tired eyes just want to remain closed

→ I chose the Sleeping At Last cover for maximum angst, 'cause sometimes it be like that.

Uneven Odds - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

maybe your light is a seed, and the darkness the dirt, in spite of the uneven odds, beauty lifts from the earth

→ ...just like an earth style: mud wall :') Okay, okay, bad jokes aside, the seed metaphor of course makes me want to associate it with Tenzo, but this is clearly a Kakashi song!

Twenty-four - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Obito

life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago/and I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago/still I'm singing spirit, take me up in arms with you/you're raising the dead in me/I wanna see miracles/to see the world change/wrestled the angel for more than a name/for more than a feeling, for more than a cause/I'm singing spirit, take me up in arms with you/and you're raising the dead in me

I'm Still Here (Jim's Theme) - John Rzeznik | Kakashi

and how can they say I never change?/they're the ones that stay the same/.../they can't tell me who to be/'cause I'm not what they see/.../and their words are just whispers/and lies that I'll never believe

→ Yeah, I might've accidentally imprinted on Treasure Planet as a 14 year old, and then someone made sure this song would forever live in my heart by making a fanvid of it with my favorite character from my robin hood show, but! He's still here!

See You Again - Wiz Khalifa (feat. Charlie Puth) | Kakashi & Obito/Team Minato

how can we not talk about family when family's all that we got?/everything I went through, you were standing there by my side/and now you gon' be with me for the last ride

→ I am being very unoriginal here, and there are in fact already fanvids made for these relationships set to this song (along with many others featuring different Naruto relationships), but I don't think I'll be able to rest until I translate the movie playing in my head whenever I hear this song now into an actually watchable format. After all, they have come a long way from where they began, and I intend to make that both as touching and ironically hilarious as possible!

Goodnight, Travel Well - The Killers | Kakashi → Admittedly, I got this idea from a magnificently crafted fanvid done for my robin hood show, but I genuinely think it would be really interesting to make something similar for Kakashi centered around the time he technically died but got better? I don't know how to explain it, but I think it fits quite well.

30 Lives - Imagine Dragons | Kakashi & all the people he's loved and lost → can be listened to here.

A Pound of Flesh - Radical Face | Kakashi

then today I wake up feeling easy/and find I'm on more familiar roads/I got a darkness wrapped inside me/but now it ain't so hard to let it go/so keep a candle burning in the window/I'm almost home

Hold Back The River - James Bay | Kakashi & life getting in the way of him being with his precious people (you may be sensing a pattern here) → @the road of life: Let! Kakashi! And his People! Hold! Each! Other!!! Also, 'tried to square not being there, but think that I should have been' is absolutely about Sasuke's defection and Kakashi adding it to his long list of undeserving self-recriminations.

The Fall - Imagine Dragons | Yamato & Kakashi → 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

Shadowman - K's Choice | could work equally well for Kakashi or Obito, I think

any time tomorrow a part of me will die/and a new one will be born/any time tomorrow/I'll get sick of asking why/sick of all the darkness I have worn/any time tomorrow/I will try to do what's right/making sense of all I can/any time tomorrow I'll pretend to see the light/I just might/.../and doesn't it make you sad?/to see so much love denied/see nothing but a shadowman inside

Paint - The Paper Kites | Kakashi & Team 7

still there's a wound and I'm moving slow/though it don't show, though it don't show/I've got a hole where nothing grows,/how little you know, how little you know

→ A song for just how much Team 7 doesn't know about their sensei.

Always Find Me Here - Transit | Kakashi → ...most likely at the memorial stone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (why am I like this)

Taste - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

it’s bittersweet, it’s poetry/a careful pruning of my dead leaves/it’s holy ground, a treasure chest/I'm on my knees and only scratch the surface/like fists unraveling, like glass unshattering/we’re breaking all the rules, we’re breaking bread again/we’re swallowing light ’til we’re fixed from the inside

Help - Hurts | Yamato & Kakashi

take my hand and lead the way/out of the darkness and into the light of the day/.../'cause I know what I've been missing/and I know that I should try/but there's hope in this admission/and there's freedom in your eyes/.../I can feel the darkness coming/and I'm afraid of myself/call my name and I'll come running/'cause I just need some help

→ NO ONE TOUCHE ME.

Your Soul - RHODES | A mish-mash of Kakashi & Tenzo and Rin & Obito & Kakashi and Gai & Kakashi vibes? → So like, 'oh you know when you're alone/I'm holding on and on and on and on/to your soul' reminded me of your 'when you're all alone...the only thing you really think about is dying' 'but when there are two of you...the only thing you can think about is surviving.' and now kakashi - who just saved his life - is asking him 'did you want to die' and yamato is saying 'no' there are two of them and yamato wants to SURVIVE. tags as well as Gai's steadfastness as a friend, and 'I just wanna hold your hand' made me think of Rin's "Well then, I'm just going to have to connect the two of you." while holding their hands, and the sunlight/'soul shine'/'your light' motif is just A Lot in this song!!

7 Years - Lukas Graham | Kakashi → Alright, yeah, there are already approximately a gazillion pre-existing Naruto AMVs for this song and even one or two focusing on Kakashi, but they don't capitalize on all the angst possibilities in many of the lyrics or reach the fluff potential of 'will I think the world is cold or will I have a lot of children who can warm me [when I'm old]' and I cannot abide that!

Putting The Dog To Sleep - The Antlers | Kakashi & Sasuke → Okay, on one hand, this song is One Big Oof. But I do like the (potentially odd) way I've conceptualized it for Kakashi & Sasuke? Like, the first half is Kakashi going through all the tragedies in his life and getting lost in ANBU, but then in the second half it transitions to him wanting to prevent Sasuke from having to be as alone as Kakashi once was and they can face life together? It makes me emotional!

Trust Me - The Fray | Kakashi & Obito

I found a friend, or should I say a foe?/said there's a few things you should know/we don't want you to see/we come, and we go/here today, gone tomorrow

→ There are a few lines that call Tenzo & Kakashi to mind, but mostly it's Obito & Kakashi.

The Lightning Strike (What If This Storm Ends?) - Snow Patrol | Kakashi → I had to, right? My mindscape is a little murky/scattered about what specifically I want to think about when I listen to this, but obviously it has to do with Kakashi in one way or another.

Kettering - The Antlers | Team Minato(???) → Honestly not sure if this will make any sense, but yeah, vague team minato vibes?

Swans - Unkle Bob | Kakashi & Obito/Rin/Minato/Kushina/Sakumo → They should be by his side always!!!

Looking Too Closely - Fink | Kakashi → I honestly feel rather ambivalent about this one too, but I can't deny 'truth is like blood underneath your fingernails/and you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself/looking too closely' always destroys me because... well, you know. I love suffering. :(

Souvenirs - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Obito & Rin

wolves - Switchfoot | Kakashi

snowfall for the battlefield/roses for the father's sons/see them red on the ground:/bleeding/when the revolution came/we were more than hungry men/we were hoping for more:/bleeding/end. begin again./all of my world is collision and spin/hope is a world that has yet to begin/awaken, oh sleeper/awaken, oh sleeper/a new day begins

→ I wanted a wolf-related song too. :)

PRODIGAL SOUL - Switchfoot | Obito, Itachi, & Sasuke; just all them wayward Uchiha boys

Coming Down - Dear Euphoria | kid!Kakashi & his relationships

the shell/that I wore/it wasn't for fun/it wasn't to make you/stick around/it was for survival/it was what I've learnt/it was for the sun/.../our love has grown/our love has flown

→ Another one I'm a little unsure of whether it makes sense outside of my head or not, but I like the vibes?

Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford & Sons | Kakashi & Yamato? → Hmm, can I maybe submit this as a Kakashi-&-Yamato-just-need-to-mske-it-through-this-war-so-they-can-have-a-bright-bright-future song?

All Is Well (It's Only Blood) - Radical Face | Kakashi → ...he said as he's bleeding out or after he's thrown himself in the line of fire protecting someone he thinks is a better person than himself...

Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons | Kakashi

when the hour is nigh/and hopelessness is sinking in/and the wolves all cry/to fill the night with hollering/when your eyes are red/and emptiness is all you know/with the darkness fed/I will be your scarecrow/you tell me to hold on/oh, you tell me to hold on/but innocence is gone/and what was right is wrong

→ In a similar vein to the previous song. But goodness gracious! Were they NOT straight up describing Kakashi here?

Amaryllis - Shinedown | Yamato & Kakashi → Just tossing this one out there, not sure if it will make sense or if it's a reach... but I like it?

lost 'cause - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Sasuke

are we a lost cause?/or are we just lost 'cause/we won't be the future we refuse to see?/and if I'm your lost cause/it'll be your lost 'cause/you won't see me as I am, the possibility/that I'm not the enemy

→ 214 feels. (And before and after that, but yeah.)

Through the Ghost - Shinedown | Kakashi & Obito

so many silent sorrows/you never hear from again/and now that you've lost tomorrow/is yesterday still a friend?/.../everything that mattered is just/a city of dust/covering both of us/did you hide yourself away?/I can't see you anymore/.../did you hide yourself away?/are you living through the ghost?/did you finally find a place/above the shadows so the world will never know?/the world will never know you like I do ... like I still do

Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men | Kakashi → Just Kakashi having little chats with his ghosts, totally the most heartwarming way to conclude this section. 😅

Sleepyhead - Passion Pit | Kakashi → Just kidding! Here's a slightly less morbid song for the Most Tired Boy Of Them All.™ (Random aside: this was my customary song to listen to on my walks to 8AM organic chemistry classes; I found it strangely soothing! On a different occasion, after a particularly long day for her, one of my roommates didn't have the energy to make it to her bed but nevertheless requested a lullaby from us. So I obliged by playing this song for her, but she didn't seem to gain the same peace of mind from it as I did. 😄 I know it's not my place to propose anything like this, but it does amuse me to imagine bookends!Kakashi in these situations, even though it's not OChem classes he has to go to.)

General/Miscellaneous:

Rise Above It - Switchfoot | Ensemble

don't care what they're telling me/we can be what we want to be/.../just because it's law doesn't mean that it's fair/.../don't believe the system's on your side/.../the curse is spoken/the system's broken; rise above it

→ I mean, how could I not think about Naruto when this song also has the lines 'hear us sing tonight like the last night on earth/we will rise like the tide/like dead men coming back to life/we are rising, rising'? It's fun to be literal sometimes!

Doorways - Radical Face | Allllll the traumatized children → Someone has to put all those tragic childhood flashbacks to good use, after all.

Ghost Towns - Radical Face | take your pick of Itachi, Sasuke, or Post-Kannabi-Bridge!Obito

there's no comin' home/with a name like mine/I still think of you/but everyone knows/yeah everyone knows/if you care, let it go

Blinding Light - Switchfoot | Hey, Hiruzen? You may have coined the phrase, "children are the king" but I don't think you truly understand it... (insert Princess Bride joke here)

hey boy, don't believe them/we're the nation that eats our youth/.../still looking for the blinding light/still looking for the reason why/still looking for the sun to shine/all my life I've been living in the darkest night/still looking for the blinding light/to take me higher and higher

Brother's Blood - Kevin Devine | EVERYONE → ...but certainly so much you could do with Itachi & Sasuke, Obito & Kakashi, Shisui & Itachi, even Hashirama & Madara! Sakumo's teammates turning their backs on him and saying 'I don't know one thing about my brother's blood'?!?! There are SO MANY ideas I have for this song! It gives me chills and makes my brain scream.

We Need Each Other - Sanctus Real | Ensemble → Already mentioned this one to you, but I have to include it here for thoroughness' sake!

Whispering - Alex Clare | the Hidden Leaf's lost/ostracized children/orphans

who will care for the falling?/who will care for the falling leaves?

So this is probably a strange concept to come up with and apply to this song, but the 'whispering, whispering, whispering' parts brought Konaha's virulent gossiping/passing judgement about others and often kids they don't even know problem to mind, too, and yeah?

The World You Want - Switchfoot | Ensemble → If I were to make a fanvid set to this song, I would definitely keep a broad focus, but I can't deny that the lines 'you start to look like what you believe, you float through time like a stream, if the waters of time are made up by you and I, I could change the world for you, you change it for me' FOR SURE has strong Obito & Kakashi/Kakashi & Tenzo vibes.

Red Eyes - Switchfoot | Ensemble, but definitely many dashes of Uchihas 😄 → I would like to thank Masashi Kishimoto for creating a world where red eyes are a Thing of Importance so I can one day make a fanvid using this song in not just the tired or teary bloodshot-red eyes way, but in a very literal sense too.

TAKE MY FIRE - Switchfoot | The Will of Fire → 'Cause I think I'm sooooo clever. 😄

Above The Clouds Of Pompeii - Bear's Den | various parent & child relationships → This obviously derives from the not-caring-about-your-female-characters problem, but it always gets me that all the single parents in the Naruto universe are almost invariably the fathers! I guess sometimes you can safely guess that the mothers are still alive/exist, but either way we hardly ever get to see them. :/ The one exception I can think of right now is Kurenai, but maybe I'm forgetting another conspicuous single mother. Anyway, I don't know if this helps or hinders more a potential Naruto fanvid for this song, but regardless, it still gives me feelings?

Who We Are - Switchfoot | Ensemble → It just makes me inordinately happy that the chorus for this song starts with 'who we are (in the fever of our youth)', you know? :D

Brother - Kodaline | all the friendships we can stuff in here and then some → Quite a well known song I'm pretty sure, but I love how many dynamics one could showcase in a potential fanvid of this. And, not gonna lie, 'oh brother, we go deeper than the ink beneath the skin of our tattoos' deserves to be used in some sort of Tenzo 'n' Kakashi or Team Ro fan creation!

Special Bonus:

Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine | Kakashi & Obito → I'm not sure whether I would have realized how well this works for Kakashi & Obito on my own, funnily enough, but then I found this fanvid of it (containing only scenes you've seen naturally!) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's so well done!

[libraryofloveletters]

Rating CM Couples Because I’m Bored

*I think I put everyone that I can remember in here but if I'm forgetting someone, let me know!*

A/N: these are in no specific order and yes I know you didn’t ask for this but too bad :) also spoilers are in there if you have’t seen the whole thing!

----

Aaron and Haley

The high school sweethearts storyline was cute 

Great parents 

I still think she was cheating, it was a little shady that her phone rang right after he got off the landline 

“Make sure he knows you weren’t always so serious” or whatever she said was sweet

Her death didn’t cause tears but seeing Hotch cry out her death did cause tears

Feel like her storyline could have ended better, they didn’t really need to kill her but they did it for the ✨razzle dazzle✨ 

Maybe they could have gotten a divorce and been great co-parents 

Overall: 8/10 (her dying was a shitty end) 

Gideon and Sarah (the lady from the cabin) 

Very short storyline

She made him happy 

The dance scene in the cabin in Fisher King pt.1 was adorable  

Would have like to seen more of her 

Overall: 10/10 (they were the least problematic couple)

JJ and Will 

Love them 

Will is non-problematic (stan him for clear skin) 

Their family is adorable 

He’s a great father (literally put his job on hold and moved states for her to continue her job after Henry) 

She could have definitely treated him better 

Could have included their other kid more, it’s always about Henry

Will is always about JJ, JJ tends to wander ? (the je*d situation) 

Overall: 7/10 (cause of the je*d situation and they could have made the storyline better) 

Spencer and Mauve 

Again, short and shitty storyline 

There was so much more that could have been done here (like maybe let him be happy for once??)

In suspense for the longest time about the secret phone calls and when Mauve was finally introduced, we got like 2 minutes of proper screen time with her 

Their little dance was cute 

Her death was absolute bullshit 

She tells Spencer that she loves him on the phone and he's in shock so he doesn't say it back, then she hangs up 

When he finally sees her in person, she’s minutes away from her death 

He had to tell her that he didn’t love her even thought he did (at least it seemed like he did) 

Bringing her back in season 15 was nice so we had some closure ?? (but why was she blonde ? they have hair salons in heaven ??)

Overall: 6/10 (hated the way it ended :( )

Derek and Savannah  

Savannah was the perfect woman for Derek. She’s smart, has a good job with a weird schedule (like his), not to mention gorgeous 

But making him settle down with the first woman he really showed interest in, didn't make sense 

If he had a previous relationship that didn’t work and then introduced Savannah, it would have made sense 

They were well suited, personality and looks wise 

Would have liked to seen their wedding  

He got married and we didn’t even get to see it :( 

The way their storyline ended was a mess ??

He gets kidnapped and when she gets him back, she gets shot and they almost lose the baby, then Morgan almost gets himself killed again and barely got back in time for the birth 

Overall: 8/10 (could have been better written but they were cute) 

Matt and Kristy 

Unproblematic favs 

King and Queen shit 

Great parents 

Love love love their storyline, from CMBB to CM, it was all around good 

They’re both hot and educated 

I don’t understand where they had make to make a 5th kid when he’s never home, she’s a lawyer (that has to be time consuming) and 4 children to take care of 

Their love as always on display, seen the rawest version of it in 13x19 

Overall: 10/10 (love them)

Penelope and Kevin 

The shower scene when Rossi went to her apartment was the peak scandalous moment for them 

Her wants and needs were too much for him to handle 

She was super independent and he wanted her to do what he wants in a way 

The whole marriage plot was dropped real quick 

He wanted a farm ?? (if I remember correctly) and she didn’t want that 

The end of their relationship was weird 

They had that moment at JJ and Will’s wedding and then that was it ?? He kinda just vanished after ? 

Overall: 5/10 (average couple)

Derek and Penelope 

Top tier 

Would have be a power couple if they got together (already a power couple but would have officially been one) 

The way they look at each other

The way the protect each other, especially him with her 

They’re in love you can’t tell me otherwise 

If they weren’t in love, why would he come back to the BAU and only see her ? 

They probably hooked up on the lows 

There was a lot of potential here

“You’re my god given solace” 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Overall: 10/10  (my favourites!!) 

Spencer and Derek 

Cute cute cute

That’s been there since day one

They always had a playful relationship but Derek was always protecting him, no matter what 

Although Spencer wasn't physically capable of defending, he still tried in his own way 

Their relationship has grown a lot since season 1 

“we’ll be bound together through space and time and some day, in another life, we will meet again” “I'll be waiting for you” like come on, in love. 

there was a lot of potential here too 

Overall: 9/10 (-1 cause it didn’t actually happen) 

Aaron and Emily 

Could definitely see the tension between them 

There was 100% chemistry there 

They both think alike, they’re very critical thinkers which for obvious reasons wouldn’t have works

Would have been cute tho 

In 4x03, you could see the worry on his face when she was inside. It was more than a boss/subordinate worry, he genuinely cares about her 

Overall: 7/10 (could have been better) 

JJ and Spencer 

Would have maybe made sense if they introduced it season 1-2

Didn’t make sense after she was married and had 2 kids 

The confession she gave him felt forced (under the circumstances, they were but still) 

The awkwardness after was weird, like you’re telling me the team and Will didn’t pick up on it at he wedding ?

Overall: -1/10 (je*d)

Tara and Daryl 

The moments they had were sweet afterwards like their hug 

They both had grown a lot since their marriage 

It was very mature of her to be happy for him after they split (she’s cool like that) 

Very short storyline 

Overall: 6/10 (they were very normal) 

JJ and Emily 

Elite 

Would have a power couple if the writers had actually put them together

should have confessed to Spencer that she loved Emily and not him 

All their moments were adorable 

Hot moms and Co parent Will (would have been so cute) 

Overall: 9/10 (power couple) 

Emily and Andrew 

Short storyline

Kinda pointless ? 

Felt super last minute and rushed 

Their dinner date was cute 

Overall: 5/10 (they were eh, could have been written better) 

Luke and Lisa 

They were cute

Again a very short storyline 

She was very determined to make Luke talk about his feelings (kinda pointless ?? he’d talk when he as ready) 

Should have called it quits after Phil died 

Wasn’t needed to drag it along, but they did and we didn’t even see her?? They just kept mentioning her 

Overall: 6/10 (average couple) 

Luke and Penelope 

Adorable 

Would have loved to see this storyline start earlier 

Maybe get to see the date ?? 

Their little flirting/bantering was cute 

There was definitely chemistry there 

Overall: 8/10 (super cute)

Spencer and Max 

This felt so rushed 

She was there for 2 episodes 

Dragging her into the Cat plot was shit 

It was nice to see him happy tho 

Would have liked to seen her nephew again, he was funny 

Overall: 5/10 (didn't really like this) 

Aaron and Beth 

This was cute 

They made each other happy 

She was good with Jack 

Understanding about his job (unlike miss haley 🙄)

Would have to seen this go somewhere else 

Her taking the job in Hong Kong was just a shitty end for their relationship 

Overall: 7/10 (could have ended better, at least she didn’t die) 

Rossi and Carolyn 

This was sweet 

Her death was sad, it was clear he still cared about her 

She was only there for like 2-3 (??) episodes

Overall: 6/10 (unproblematic but normal) 

Rossi and Hayden 

This was also cute 

Joy was the only good thing from this marriage ?? 

Them dating for like half a minute was weird 

Making Rossi say that racist ass comment after he was literally married to beautiful woman of colour was stupid 

Overall: 6/10 (average couple) 

Rossi and Krystall 

Loved them together 

Their little sneaky links were hilarious 

Miss Krystall is a bad bitch 

She’s super supportive 

Overall: 8/10 (my favourites out of Rossi’s wives) 

Rossi and Strauss

Hilarious together, it was cute

Rossi was always on her ass, he did what he wanted 

Her death was kinda shitty, Rossi cared about her tho 

Reid and Garcia bumping into him and then seeing her was funny 

Overall: 6/10 (ended badly)

[obeymeluv]

Diavolo as a Dad

I just want to take a sec and thank everyone for the attention this blog gets. I’m always surprised at how many notes and reblogs there are. Seriously! I have, like, 16 posts and somehow I have 400 followers?! It’s really nice (つ´∀｀)つ

I like it best when there’s comments. It makes me happy ＼(^o^)／

I saw a comment on “The Bros as Dads” post asking for Diavolo as a dad, so here you go. I tried to tag you, but your handle didn’t come up :/

Hopefully you guys like this. I feel like Diavolo’s character is very vague.

This kind of turned into general Diavolo headcanons + Diavolo as a Dad. My b.

 General Diavolo Headcanons:

I headcanon that demons have a natural attraction to humans not only because of whatever energy they could provide, but because there’s something innate that makes them want humans. Maybe like an ancient call to their corruptibility or something. Or simply a predator coaxing prey into the den.

Diavolo is especially susceptible to this because he’s the prince. The higher up in the demon hierarchy you are, the more you want humans for their spirit, purity, the soul contract, and just some kind of satisfaction only they can give

There’s probably a forbidden fruit element to it, too. Demons were harassed by humans and angels alike to leave them be, and that just made them more attractive 

He genuinely wanted to befriend humans and knock down some old walls and superstitions, so he made the exchange program. A lot of times the sheer excitement of making it happen is enough to take the edge off his demon side. Ignore the whispers saying the little human would be such a treat, like a little lamb in the palm of his hand...

Diavolo’s a pretty outgoing and friendly guy who’s been trapped in a castle of propriety and demands. This human is also his chance at escape, to learn more than books could ever teach him.

At first he’s worried about seducing them (like the old call demands) but when he realizes the human has a crush on him without that influence, he’s stoked.

Pure and perfect, right? THE example of what his program was trying to achieve!

The dates start off innocent and cute--studying and tea in the castle, a small brunch here and there. Diavolo has skipped out on several duties because he simply must treat you to Devildom cuisine! If he didn’t, they wouldn’t get the full experience now, would they?

Barbatos has had to hunt down Lord Diavolo more than he cared for. If you end up convincing Diavolo back to the castle, he respects you. He appreciates the extra babysitter.

You bring a joy to Diavolo’s lavish monotony and he wants the Devildom and human world to know he’s serious about forging better bonds, so he asks if you want to make a pact.

That’s what he says, but it’s so much more than that. Diavolo couldn’t put it all into words and you probably don’t have the lifespan it would take for him to explain (if he could).

At most, there’s something warm and giddy and pulsing in him at the thought of being so close with you. Two souls sharing a bond. Being looked at with such love and adoration...

His pact mark is large and elaborate, and he takes great joy in hiding it from the Devildom, relishing the rare mornings where he helps you dress. He doesn’t regret bonding with you, but he doesn’t want to draw unsavory attention. 

Diavolo as a Dad (when you’re pregnant) :

You realize you’re pregnant before Barbatos and Diavolo do, neither one of them very familiar with how humans carry the pregnancy or change throughout.

There’s subtle signs about how your skin is changing, the way your hair looks, and how you smell different. It’s firing off in Diavolo’s brain, tickling at the edge of it, but he can’t figure out what it is.

Barbatos consulted Solomon and got extra suspicious. When you realize he’s starting to put it together, you do the reveal.

You write a note and draw a picture of the pregnancy test, mixing it up in the papers he has to review. Then, just to be extra cute, you busy yourself about the castle to “give him private time”.

Diavolo is handling his paperwork, per usual (it’s almost automatic). The unofficial form catches his eyes since it’s more a note than anything. He reads it and suddenly the WHOLE CASTLE is up in arms with joy.

Doesn’t matter what room you’re in, you heard him. That big, joyful laugh that works his whole chest.

The Little D’s of the castle are skittering around and whooshing through walls to help him find you. You can hear him flying around and calling for you, and it’s like the times you’ve played hide and seek.

The second Diavolo finds you, he crushes you to him and smothers you with kisses. His eyes sparkle as he snuggles you, big purr rolling through his chest. He’s asking a million questions about human children

The two of you take classes together. He studies up on humans and you learn about how to care for demon babies.

Barbatos cries inside at the thought of baby-proofing the castle. He gets the bright idea to hire a bunch of moms and they do sweeps of the castle, tidying up and making lists of what needs to be put away or added to make it safe

You’re given a special brew (exclusive to the royal family) and drink it daily. It fortifies your body to deliver the child and gives the baby its royal heritage (basically makes sure Diavolo’s genes and the demon side comes out a bit stronger).

Even though it tastes good and something in it makes you want to drink it, you’re sick of it by the second month. Barbatos and Diavolo continue to insist that you do. The child should be at least half-demon and will need to be recognized as next-of-kin for ruling.

Diavolo would love to take you out to socialize and attend public classes, but he’s busy and you’re in a delicate state. The royal physicians say the brew does a lot internally so it’s best not to stress you too much (If he’d done The King’s Brew ritual before you were pregnant, the baby would’ve been 3/4th demon and you wouldn’t have so many restrictions. Who knew?)

There’s a lot of private dates around the royal gardens and any beautiful sight he can give you. If you want company, he invites people to you. You want exquisite food? Barbatos can cook, but if you don’t want his cooking then Diavolo can have it delivered. The castle is spacious enough for you to get your daily exercise with simple walks. 

He adores seeing you in the royal colors and is constantly sharing visions of diaphanous gowns and anything that can make you comfortable to the designers. Always gushes when he sees you in something new.

Being an old-fashioned demon prince, he does a series of small oil paintings instead of maternity photos. When you explain that maternity photos are more of a human thing, he books a session so the child can see both (the oil paintings are tasteful and appropriate for the castle but they all end up in his study).

Is totally on board with helping you dress (or laying in bed with your huge baby bump when clothes seem a bit hard for the next 5-10 minutes), and taking long, relaxing baths.

Takes his paperwork to bed so he can watch you sleep. You might snore, and the bed is almost comically huge, but you look so relaxed that Diavolo swears you lied to him about being purely human

His favorite thing to do is rub ointments and tinctures on your belly to help your skin. Loves to give you shoulder kisses while he does.

When he finds out you’re having a boy, he commissions tiny matching outfits. He doesn’t know if he wants to gush over the details or cry (”Barbatos, how inconceivably tiny! Isn’t it amusing?”)

Diavolo as a Dad (for real) :

Has to be given very explicit instructions about age-appropriate play because the minute the kid is crawling Diavolo’s going to want to play with him like a toddler.

Lets him teethe on old antique gold stuff that gives Mammon an aneurysm when he realizes what the kid’s doing (and how expensive the thing is in his hands).

Had a treasure chest-style bassinet comissioned because his kid is his treasure. One of the two--two and a half, with Barbatos--greatest treasures in his castle.

100% uses the kids to shirk his royal duties, but you and Barbatos keep him on a tight leash. Literally. He has a coupon allotment for the week (if you didn’t do the coupon thing he’d NEVER get any work done).

He LIVES for the skin-to-skin contact and is very disappointed when he has to put clothes back on for guests or meetings. He’s just doing what’s best for his son, okay?

That child is going to be spoiled AF. Always wanting to be held or next to his papa.

Diavolo isn’t allowed to do the chest carrier because he gets so excited about stuff he might sling the kid around on accident (Barbatos banned it after he held the baby through some paperwork and spent half the time playing with his feet).

Can never get over how tiny his son is, or how he can hold him in one hand. Somehow works it into every conversation.

Will work his kid into every conversation. Has pictures to go along with it.

His official Devilgram is 80% his kid or you (or both), 5% Barbatos, 5% other people, and 10% bad shots he doesn’t know how to delete.

Almost all of his Devilgram videos were taken by Barbatos because Diavolo absolutely loses it when the baby speaks gibberish. He dies laughing and just can’t hold it together. The video is just shaky and blurry otherwise. 

You’d think every time he sees him is the first time because Diavolo is so smitten and amazed

The Little D’s of the castle are always giggling to themselves and racing to tell you that they caught Diavolo peppering kisses on his little baby forehead or fists.

He’s a really involved and happy dad. Childlike and joyful by nature, he’s super invested in his kid. Sometimes it’s like you have two, but Diavolo means well.

Decent at all reverse psychology ploys. Kid doesn’t want mommy’s affection? More for him! Kid’s not hungry? He’ll eat it, then (and the dessert that they totally can’t have now)!

Can’t really discipline. Feels too guilty. Threatens the child with Barbatos or you.

Is really surprised when the kid has a ‘mom day’ where it seems like he doesn’t exist but totally understands (”Your mom has that affect on me, too.”)

Hope you liked it :)

[jarofstyles]

Fan Club II

A/N: Let the tension begin to build 😈This part is a little shorter than the others but it’s a necessary step - n + d

send feedback and requests here

masterlist

pairing: Harry Styles x Reader

warnings: angst, anxiety attack, and tender moments

word count: 3.5k

Harry was confused on all levels. Y/N was in his brain like a damn worm and didn’t seem to ever be coming out of it. That was the most frustrating part. It had been about a week, his second bakery visit being short and sweet with another hug and asking for 2 more lemon squares, but he had been a bit bland with texting back. He was trying to distance himself. Not fall for the good girl next door act. 

“Harry, please at least make this believable tonight. I’ve seen a few tweets talking about you going to the bakery so someone must have been a fan in there, so make sure tonight you’re a gentleman to her. People are watching.” Jeff Warned. It wasn’t like Harry sat around and complained about her. He barely said a word. He did tell Jeff he didn’t trust her, but he had restricted any social media usage because he knew the moment he found Y/N’s pages he would stalk her for a while. He would need to make sure it didn’t happen. 

They were sharing a car to the restaurant, and everyone knew the secret so when they pulled up to Y/N’s place, Harry felt a little more relaxed. Jeff would take over until showtime at the restaurant. There would be paparazzi by the time they left, but going in would be far easier.

Y/N was nervous to say the least. This would be her first time being photographed officially with Harry, holding hands and everything. It was a big deal and she wanted to look nice. She had done her whole routine, showering and smelling nice, doing a light makeup that she saw all his past girlfriends do, and changed into her outfit. She felt sexy but still fashionable, definitely not too expensive. Just the right amount of everything. 

When she got the text saying the car was there, she knew it was game time. Y/N made sure to bring her keys, her phone, and wallet, putting it all in a small fashionable blue over the shoulder bag before walking to the elevator and making her way out to the car. 

“Hey.” Y/N smiled as she opened the door, climbing into the car and buckling up. God he looked delicious. His hair was all floppy, his outfit matching hers in a strange way. The two of them together looked good, she couldn’t lie. “You look nice.” She said once again, but she really did mean it. “Smell nice too.”

They both sat in the back seat, Jeff and his wife in the front. Harry smiled lightly and nodded. “Uh, thanks. You too.” He went back to his phone. Honestly, if he didn’t? He would have died. Honest to god died. Her tits looked immaculate. Harry hadn’t seen them like this before but he was nearly choking on the way he wanted to bury his face between them. The first he had dated weren’t really all that big in that department— nothing wrong with that. But she had the perfect amount. Perfect handfuls. Something he was positive would be lovely to suck on. Fuck— fucking hell. 

He had to look at his phone or he would get hard. Y/N smelled good too. Like coconuts, vanilla. He wasn’t sure if that was a perfume or a bakery thing but he enjoyed it thoroughly. They kind of matched, too. which was weird. They hadn’t discussed it. 

Y/N sighed a little, not really knowing what she was expecting considering they were in private. She would rather spend no time with him in private if this was the case. She went all out to look nice for him to just say, ‘you too’? God this would be hard. 

“Hi Jeff, hi Glenne, it’s nice to meet you.” Y/N spoke sweetly, “I’d give you a hug, but you know.” She chuckled and sat back, trying to ignore the fact that Harry was ignoring her. What a terrible fake boyfriend he was, really wasn’t into the whole method acting thing. 

“Hey!” Jeff greeted. “Are you ready for the first pap run?”

“You sound so cheery about it.” Y/N laughed, “I guess I’m ready.” She shrugged and pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear. “I reckon dinner will be fun, bit more excited about that. Get to chat with you all a little more.” It was the honest truth. She wanted to spend some quality time with Harry and with Jeff and his wife. If she was going to spend a full year knowing them? Hell, she wanted to make the most of it. She didn’t just want to fake being friends with them.

Was she serious? Harry thought. Come on. That wasn’t real. There was no way she actually thought they would buy that excuse. She didn’t give a fuck. No way. But of course— both of them bought into it. It was like Harry was the only one who could see that this was sketchy. That it wasn’t what was right. She was too sweet for her own good and that alone had Harry very, very suspicious. He listened to them chatter and took glances at her every so often. This would be torture for him. The whole thing. He was so physically attracted to her that he was worried that it may show when they weren't supposed to be acting. Y/N seemed to get along with them great. It was another thing that made him want to pull his hair out. She had to be bad in some way. No one was genuinely this nice and sweet without having a bad side. Gorgeous or not.

Jeff and Glenne were genuinely nice people, and Y/N was thankful that at least they were being open. Then again, Jeff was Harry’s best friend, then surely there was just something wrong with her. It had been a few days since they met and Harry wasn’t letting up no matter what she did. It would be a slow burn she assumed. She looked over at him, catching him already looking at her with a small smile. Y/N turned her attention back to the front of the car, watching as Jeff pulled up to the restaurant. 

It was go time. Y/N walked out of the car after Harry, moving her hand to hold on to his bicep as they walked towards the restaurant. She didn’t really have a method to her acting, she simply did whatever felt natural. Let herself go whenever they were out in public.

Harry placed his hand over hers and squeezed. He could tell she was nervous, and regardless he didn’t want her to be nervous here and feel upset. Especially when they’d be looked at and photographed. 

When they walked into the place, he looped an arm around her waist and let her lean into him. He felt a small hand on his jacket lapel and let her play with it as Jeff took care of the reservation arrangements. They’d been sat outside at a nice place with those bulb string lights, lots of plants. They’d be sat facing people so photos could be taken— but the people wouldn’t know that. He’d have to keep a good face this whole time. It was going to be a new challenge but part of him was giddy to be able to play it up and touch her during this time.

Y/N’s nerves weren’t really that noticeable, but to anyone else it would just seem like she was nervous because she was on a date with Harry. It was a normal reason to be nervous and frankly, she felt it made her seem more relatable. Despite the fact that Harry and Y/N were acting, they seemed to flow quite naturally and easily off of one another. It didn’t take a lot of effort, she just leaned into him whenever he touched her and vice versa.

“Ooo this is nice.” Y/N commented on the look of the place. She had obviously never been here before, but it looked like it would be good. The smell coming from the kitchen was incredible as well. “Thank you again for inviting us out..” Y/N said to Jeff, purposefully saying us instead of me so anyone who heard knew they meant Y/N and Harry as a pair. She scooted her chair a little closer to Harry, making sure there was enough space for them to have subtle touches if need be. Y/N wasn’t sure what Harry would want, but she wanted to have their options open and ready. She had never seen him actually interact with a woman like this except for when he was with Kendall and those photos leaked. She wondered how he would act when he meant for people to see.

Harry felt the pressure but also knew he was lucky Jeff was here to keep the conversation going. He was feeling a little awkward but fell into his conversation relatively easily. 

“So the bakery... Harry said it’s lovely. That the lemon squares are amazing.” Glenne broke the ice, opening up her menu. It was a midrange pricing so he was hoping that she wouldn’t freak too bad. Money really wasn’t an object to Harry. Granted, most of his clothes were gifted to him and he didn’t pay for much luxury items because they were sent for promotion, but he didn’t mind spending if it was for a good time. He had millions. 

“They are very good. I like them a lot. All of the things are great, though.” Harry complimented sincerely but she wouldn’t know that. His arm hung over the back of her chair, subtly showing ownership. that’s what it would come across as anyways. Most people wouldn’t know this about Harry but he was possessive, jealous, and pathetic when it came to his lovers. He didn’t like sharing. He loved being alone with them and being in their own worlds. He hadn’t had a perfect fantasy of that yet but he figured he may as well get out his affectionate wants when it was supposed to be shown. Pass it off as acting.

Y/N smiled brightly when her bakery was mentioned, her pride and joy. She was just about to speak when he complimented her baking even more. That was cute. Too bad it was all acting. She needed to get out of that mind frame though and really sink into the character. She’d deal with her emotions at a later time. 

“That’s sweet, thank you.” Y/N smiled over at him, setting her hand on his thigh and rubbing her thumb against the fabric of his pants. “But yeah, my sister opened it up 5 years ago and I co-own. We have a solid flow of customers. It’s really fun, we’ve been saving to get it refurbished.” Y/N explained, also looking down at the menu. She quickly decided on the grilled miso salmon and carried on speaking. “I want to buy the upstairs bit as well. Want to open it up to local musicians to have gigs there and stuff. Also possibly wanted to do a kids baking class. Lots of ideas.” Y/N smiled, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear. She was really ambitious and career driven, always wanting to improve. It was something she took pride in and hopefully Harry would come to admire about her.

Harry was impressed. She had ideas and they didn’t seem to involve being famous, so to speak. She seemed to want her bakery to do well but anyone who had a business desires it to thrive.

“That’s a lovely idea, pet.” His hand took purchase on her shoulder then. It was bare, jacket off so he ran his thumb over the softness of her skin there. Absolutely delicious. Y/N had to know that she was fucking gorgeous. That she had inspired many a man’s fantasies. He could see down her shirt slightly and had to adjust slightly, knowing he would get a stiffy if he continued. Harry was watching for any telltale signs she was lying but from what he could tell, she really did want to do that to her bakery. And that was pretty admirable. 

It took a second for Y/N to relax into Harry’s touch, not having expected it. The feeling of his rough calloused fingers caused butterflies to erupt in her tummy. She could only imagine how good they would feel on her clit— fuck she had to stop. 

“Lots of musicians in the town would thrive off of it. A little bit of exposure and a place to play goes miles for people who aren’t very hopeful.” Jeff confirmed. “You’ll have to ask Harry for opinions when you do that. He’s good at that stuff— the stage design.”

Y/N hummed in response, “I’m sure Harry could come up with some brilliant ideas, always does.” She complimented, sending him a small wink just to keep the ball rolling. It was nice to be able to flirt and know that it was meant to be reciprocated. Maybe this whole acting thing wouldn’t be too bad? She could just live out her fantasies like this. 

The waiter came and brought over a bottle of wine for the table and took all of their orders. Though the restaurant was mid range, she still had a feeling that this was a place posh people went. She’d have to get used to that as well. Y/N felt too normal for places like this, but then again, Jeff was really good at making her feel comfortable.

To Harry, the dinner was weird. Not in a bad way. But he had found that their chairs had gotten closer during the meal. They’d touched each other a bit— not sexually. Or trying to be sexual, he should say. He had been living out part of a mental fantasy, letting her hold his hand and play with his rings when they waited for the food to come. Y/N hadn’t gone for the most expensive thing— rather a cheaper item and he had tried coaxing her into getting something a bit more, but she said no. It was weird that she was acting like money didn’t motivate her. Isn’t that why she took the damn job? But they’d been touching subtly and talking, Harry smiling down at her pretty little face. He had an urge to kiss her too— which had scared the fuck out of him. He wanted to swoop in and taste her gloss before it went away but he couldn’t. When they finished though, Harry looked at her and began to talk. 

“Listen— May get intense, yeah? Lots of cameras flashing. Just hold on to my hand and don’t let go.” He was serious. There were a lot of cameras and a lot of flashes and he didn’t want her to freak.

This part did make Y/N nervous. The cameras. She had seen pap videos previously and they always made her uncomfortable to watch. It was scary having people say things to you whilst bright cameras were flashing. 

“Okay, I trust you.” Y/N told him in a soft voice, giving him a small smile that really was only meant for him. Part of her didn’t want this night to be over, she wanted to hang out with him some more and chat with him. It was her day off tomorrow so she didn’t mind staying up late and going home if that’s what he wanted. She doubted he would want her to stay the night.

Harry held her hand and as soon as they stepped out, the cameras flashed like crazy. Asking Harry to look at them, to say who his girl was. Who she was. How old she was, what’s her name. Were they dating? But Harry got irritated when he felt her move behind him, seeing someone had pushed her slightly and she had stumbled. He stopped in the middle, gently grabbing her hip and pulling her to walk with him. 

“Be careful, mate.” Harry said to the pap, brows furrowed. “Alright, love?” Y/N looked flustered, but nodded. So he continued on, lifting her by her waist and putting her in the car before climbing in behind her. Genuine concern took over when he saw her breathing heavier, face knitted in concern as he gently pulled her over and let her hide her face in his neck. His glare was actually visible to the outside where people took photos through the windows before Jeff sped off. “Hey.. Y/N? You okay?” Harry spoke, pulling her back.

The experience was something Y/N couldn’t explain. As a person who had mild anxiety, she thought that she could handle a situation like that but it was intense in a way that she truly didn’t know what to explain to anyone. You really just had to experience it to know. When she was pushed it really sent her into a small panic, trying her best to hide her face a little now that she’d felt what paps could really be like. Harry came through though and genuinely helped her. She was so thankful for him and for him sticking up for her as well. It meant a lot. It went by so quickly she could barely process it, a bit shaky and out of breath. Going off instinct she nuzzled her face into Harry’s neck, taking deep breaths to calm herself down and relax. It was over, she had jumped the first hurdle and things would get easier from there. At least that’s what she told herself. 

“Y—yeah, I’m okay... that was just.. a lot.” Y/N told him in a soft voice, still close to him but she wasn’t sure if that was okay. Y/N decided that it would be more hurtful if he moved her off than if she moved herself, but she really couldn’t do that right now. “I’ll be okay, just need a second..”

“It’s okay.” Harry rubbed her back a few times. He wasn’t a complete asshole. She was obviously shaken and he couldn’t even blame her. He wasn’t sure why so many had popped up— he was positive they’d only called for 3 but, that’s a later question. “You’re alright? Yeah? Shit’s scary sometimes but you made it through.” He didn’t know why he slightly melted but seeing her in genuine fear and feeling her shake slightly against his body made his urge to protect her come right to the front. “Jeff, drive around for a bit, yeah? Pop into Waitrose and get her a drink.” He could tell that she was going to be okay but needed a little coddling. He continued to rub her back and let her hide in his neck. Her breath was hot against his neck, and he felt her start to calm down.When Jeff came back, Harry gave her the drink and gently peeled her away, letting her stay seated close to him. “Slow sips. Just relax. You did great.”

Y/N kept herself nuzzled into the crook of his neck while she waited, finding that to be the safest place on earth. She relaxed just by taking in his scent and feeling his heart beat through the pressure point that beat against where her nose was. That combined with his hand on her back was doing the trick. This wasn’t acting and she knew it wasn’t. It gave her hope that he wasn’t in fact a shit person, he was concerned and cared enough to ask Jeff to drive around some more and get her a drink. She really did appreciate it and him. 

“Thank you.” Y/N said quietly, taking the bottle into her still slightly shaky hands and took a small sip before taking another slow one. Y/N did do great, she knew she did. She had seen enough pap videos to know how to elegantly carry herself, but there were way too many paps there. She’d never seen that many. Maybe people were just that excited to see Harry have a girlfriend.

Harry knew later on he wouldn’t regret being kind to her right now. She was genuinely terrified and he didn’t want that for anyone. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe she didn’t want fame, but that didn’t mean he could trust her. Maybe he could be nicer. But he had to keep a distance because his cock was not on board with that. It wanted to bury itself in her plump little ass. But whatever— he could use that visual later. 

“You’re alright, Y/N.” Harry watched her carefully. “Didn’t know that many were going to be out there but, don’t worry. We’ll make sure we do our very best so that doesn’t happen again.” She wouldn’t get away from paps— but having 20 flashing cameras blinding her and pushing? That wouldn’t ever happen again. He was willing to risk his career on that. No human decency. 

“Now, let's get you home.”

--------------------------------------

[part 3]

A/N: H is soft, he cracks under pressure 🤧- n + d

let us know what you think! 

masterlist

[the-hidden-writer]

A Second Chance: Chapter 2

An Ace Attorney fanfic. Read on both AO3 and FF.net!

Summary: Miles learns the identity of his "dead" mother, and the aftermath of that revelation is a tricky one. Especially when his newfound little sister is trying to turn him into a spirit medium.

AKA Miles is a Fey. Miles also doesn't really know how to family properly.

[Chapter 1] | [Chapter 3]

Comments make my day! :D

The Sisters

Straightening himself and brushing non-existent dirt off his coat, Miles knocked on the door of Wright & Co. Law Offices. There was a buzzer, but Phoenix had requested him to knock instead. That way he wouldn’t freak out at an unexpected client.

It also meant he could take his time to answer the door.

Miles would never admit to being impatient… okay, he was. But this time he wouldn’t mind stalling. He kept his gaze on his shoes and tightened the grip on his briefcase.

He’d called in sick that day (per Gumshoe’s very adamant request) and had spent the morning thinking and composing himself. Also, he had been trying to work up the courage to come here. Once he’d made up his mind (and hadn’t changed it on the way to the car), he hadn’t bothered changing into something professional. So there he was in his white shirt, black overcoat, and brown trousers (he’d called them as such in front of Wright once, and the man had exclaimed “Jesus how much more British can you get?!”... he’d felt self-conscious about them after that). He felt like wearing his prosecutor’s suit may ruin the image of an older brother.

An older brother.

He couldn’t help but feel agitated, knowing he was the only one who knew the secret thus far. Well, apart from Gumshoe, but he hardly counted. He’d already spent too long thinking about Maya and Phoenix’s reaction that he didn’t want to waste any more of his heart going down that road again.

Finally, Phoenix answered the door. “Hi Edgeworth!” He said, with that charming smile he always seemed to wear.

“Good afternoon, Wright.”

He noticed that Phoenix look him over. He’d never come to their office in casual clothes before. He tried not to shuffle awkwardly, but thankfully Wright invited him in before he got the chance.

He had never been very good with people.

“What’s up?” Phoenix asked, once inside. He motioned for Miles to take off his coat, so he did and handed it to him.

Damn. This wasn’t the time to blush.

“Hey, are you okay? You look exhausted even for you.”

Wright looked genuinely concerned.

“I’m fine, thank you. I was working until rather late last night, that’s all. I’m not working today though.” Miles added after Phoenix raised his eyebrows.

What he couldn’t tell him was that he hadn’t slept a wink last night. He’d shooed Gumshoe away almost immediately after he’d calmed down, but it took a lot of convincing to get the detective to trust him to be alone. Every single second, right until morning, was spent thinking about his life, how it would have differed if he’d known the truth, and how he was supposed to announce the news that he was Misty Fey’s son.

“Wanna go get coffee or something? Or we could watch something, I’m not that busy.”

“Actually,” He said apologetically when Phoenix gestured towards the scruffy blue couch. “I’m here to talk to Miss Fey.”

If Wright tried to hide the disappointment on his face, he didn’t do a very good job.

“Oh… sure! She’s in the room over there.” He pointed to one of the few identical white doors. “I’ll come with you.”

“Um, actually,” Miles hated to break the man’s heart like this, but it was necessary. “Could we have some privacy? It’s rather important.”

Phoenix looked at the briefcase, and then back at Miles.

“That important, huh?”

A deflated Phoenix Wright was a scary thing.

“Sure. I’ll be here I guess… let me know if you guys need anything.”

Miles shot him a look of sympathy. “Thank you. But I’m warning you that it might take a while.”

Phoenix just nodded, that familiar smile returning, and then turned to continue… scrubbing the floorboards? Was he really that addicted to cleaning as the rumours said?

He took it as a sign to leave.

Gathering all of his courage, he entered the room.

Maya Fey was sitting at a small wooden table, engrossed in her work arranging… Limited Edition Steel Samurai Season 2 Silver Trading Cards?! He sincerely hoped his jealousy and awe didn’t show.

Alas, it did, and his eyes lit up. He had to refrain himself from asking about them.

Maybe this whole sibling thing wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“Hey Edgeworth! What are you doing here?”

Maya was always so positive and cheerful. Miles had an awful feeling that he was about to shatter all of that.

“Good afternoon Miss Fey.” He replied, and suddenly the finalized speech that he had spent all night learning (yes, there had been many drafts) disappeared from his mind.

He blanked. And panicked.

With a deep breath, he knew he would have to improvise. He was a prosecutor for goodness sake, he knew how to think on his feet!

“I, um, came to talk to you about something. It’s important.”

The difference with improvising in court is that he could feign confidence. For some reason, he couldn’t do that here.

Luckily for him, Maya took the hint.

“Oh… okay.” She said, her smile wavering ever so slightly. She motioned towards the chair opposite to her. “Here, you can sit down if you want.”

“Thank you.”

As he sat himself down, he carefully placed his briefcase onto the table. Maya watched his movements like a hawk.

“So, er,” He began cautiously, “we searched Misty Fey’s residence.”

“Yeah, I heard.” Was all Maya said, then suddenly she opened her mouth in confusion. “Detective Gumshoe already brought me a whole box full of stuff this morning!”

He couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at that. This may be the first time the detective acted so quickly. Well, the first time he ever succeeded in doing so.

Flashbacks of the horrid crunch of a car crash over the phone came to mind. He cleared his throat to try and rid himself of those particular memories. “That wasn’t the only box he found.”

“Really?” Maya’s eyes lit up. “What else is there?”

Miles sighed. It was now or never.

“Before I tell you, I would like to ask: what do you know about your father?”

This obviously took Maya by surprise.

“Oh… pretty much nothing, I guess. My Sis didn’t really remember him that well and said Mom never talked about him either.” She looked at him with a sudden determination. “Why? Is it to do with him? Do you know who he is?!”

“I-” He wasn’t sure how to answer. “He died. A long time ago. Not long after you were born, I’d imagine.”

As quickly as it arrived, Maya’s excitement died. Just perfect- he’d managed to crush the spirits of Phoenix Wright and Maya Fey in the span of 10 minutes.

Maya looked more miserable by the second. Time to move on.

He opened his leather briefcase. “Here, I’d like you to have a look at this picture.”

After warily taking out the picture of his- no, their parents, he handed it to her.

He hadn’t brought the entire box since he wasn’t ready to share that with the world, however, he’d brought certain items that would have served as evidence for his speech. But since the speech had been abandoned…

“That’s Mom!” She exclaimed, and he understood what she was experiencing. They’d lost their parents at a young age, albeit by different methods, and when Miles had first seen that picture he’d immediately focused on his own father. After having a very limited collection of photos to look at over the years, any new ones became a treasure.

Then Maya’s focus shifted onto the other person in the picture.

“Is that my Dad?” She asked quietly.

Miles nodded, preparing himself for that dreaded conversation. He may have forgotten his speech, but he’d faced worse in court. He could do this.

“Woah, he’s so handsome!”

What.

“Mom had good taste at least. I bet she was so sad to have to send him away!”

Maya’s enthusiasm had returned full swing, and she was practically clapping her hands with excitement.

“I, er-”

“They look so happy together!” She continued, oblivious to the heat in Miles’ cheeks. “Aw, this beats anything I could’ve imagined!”

Finally tearing her gaze away from the photograph, she looked up at Miles to see if he was sharing her joy. He wasn’t. He was confused, mostly.

Then Maya’s jaw dropped slightly. She looked down at the photo, then back at Miles. Photo, then him. Photo again, Miles again.

She laughed. “He looks a lot like you, y’know!”

Miles held his breath as the penny dropped.

Her head snapped down to study the picture again, and her grin began to wobble. “Wait is that…”

He stayed silent.

“H- That’s why he looked so familiar…” she whispered. “I remember that picture.”

Knowing exactly what picture she was talking about, Miles shuddered. It was the only photo she could have seen. The photo of his father's corpse, lying in that cursed elevator, blood streaming out of his gunshot wound. The photo that still haunted him to that day, despite knowing he wasn’t the cause of it.

Now it would haunt Maya too. He suddenly felt cruel.

She eventually looked back up at him. “My dad is Gregory Edgeworth?”

He nodded slowly.

“But that would mean-”

Miles brought up a finger to shush her. “Hold on a moment.” He said as he rummaged through his briefcase for the other photograph he’d brought, before handing it over to let her examine it.

It was a smaller photo that had been lying underneath the letter, so he hadn’t discovered it until later on the previous night. It was a picture of Misty Fey nursing a sleeping baby boy in her arms, with a young brown-haired girl peeking curiously over her shoulder. Though the baby seemed content enough, Misty had tears rolling down her cheeks. And yet she still had the small trademark Fey smile on her face.

Her expression was one that Maya wore now.

“Sis is way too young for that to be me. Is it…” She waited for Miles to finish her thought, but when he didn’t she continued. “...you?”

“I believe so, yes.” He said, voice breaking. Damn it, he was getting emotional now.

Maya leaned back in her chair and sat still for a few moments, mouth open and eyes wide. Her tears had stopped, but they had left their marks on her face. Miles felt anxious about her response but knew that it was his responsibility to tell her the truth. Especially as her-

“Oh my god, YOU’RE MY BROTHER!” Maya squealed, and he could hardly process how quickly she’d jumped out of her seat and ran around to squeeze him, and he flinched at the unexpected contact.

Almost straight away, she pulled back, as if realizing what she was doing. “You’re my… brother.” She repeated quieter, presumably as the implications sank in.

“I am.” He confirmed. She looked up at him.

“I just don’t believe it. All along! I wouldn’t’ve thought you were such a jerk if I’d known!”

Miles cocked his head. “Thank you..?”

Gently, he pushed her away from his side. “Now listen Miss Fey, I understand if you don’t want anything to change between us. We don’t even have to tell Wright. After finding out that you’ve lost your father, it may be better just to carry on as nor-”

“Are you kidding?!”

Miles blinked. “No?”

“Dude, you’re my brother! All this time I thought I was alone. My sister was murdered and then my Mom was murdered- I never even thought about my Dad really- and then I find out I still have a brother! This is awesome!”

Whatever reactions Miles had predicted in his mind, this was not one of them. Why was she being so supportive?

“Why are you so supportive of the idea? I tried to get you convicted for murder!” He exclaimed, genuinely shocked.

“‘Cause you’re my brother, duh!”

He wasn’t sure when the roles had swapped, but now he was the one who had eyes brimming with tears. It was contagious, and soon she began to sob again too.

When she hugged him again, he didn’t pull away. Instead, he held her tightly, if somewhat awkwardly, and genuinely didn’t want to let go.

This was his little sister. The universe definitely tried hard to take everything away from him, but it failed. Oh goodness, it failed. And at that moment, that one blissful moment of siblings embracing, he felt calm. Everything was going to be okay.

Maya jerked backwards suddenly. “I have to tell Sis!”

“Wait, what-”

“Hold on I’ll channel her, you need to tell her too!” She cried.

“No! There’s no need! She’s resting, leave her be!” She was dead, but that's the same thing, right?

But Maya wasn’t listening, she had already crossed her fingers and furrowed her brows in concentration. The Magatama thing around her neck started to glow.

Miles began to panic again. He’d only thought about Maya, and not even considered Mia Fey at all. Cursed spirit channeling!

He turned to look at the door and wondered if Phoenix was listening in. Probably not, since he’d been very interested in his own chores, but he couldn’t help but wonder nonetheless.

He’d planned a different speech entirely to tell Phoenix.

“Edgeworth?”

That wasn’t Maya’s voice.

He turned again to see a familiar face in Maya’s clothing, looking at him in confusion. He frowned- the last thing he wanted to do was to go through that entire conversation again.

“Hello, Miss Fey.” He said, shaking slightly. Though he’d seen this practice in court before, he doubted he would ever get used to the concept of spirit channeling.

“What’s going on? Maya didn’t leave a note, so I’m a little confused.”

She looked more than a little confused, but Miles wasn’t going to point that out.

“After searching your mother’s house, we found out that your father is my father, and I’m your mother’s son. I’m your brother.”

Wow, ripping the bandaid off in one go really does make it easier.

Mia appeared sceptical. “What?”

“See for yourself.” Miles replied, gesturing towards the pair of photographs on the table.

Mia pulled them towards her and studied them, her face scrunching up slightly as she did so.

She gasped. “You’re… you’re our brother?”

Her reaction was definitely less emotional and dramatic than Maya’s, but Miles could still sense the shock coming from her.

“I am.” He nodded, feeling a sense of deja vu.

“Oh… Oh god, I shouldn’t’ve said all those shitty things about you after our first trial!”

Like sister, like sister, even at his own expense. Wait…

“OH!” He shouted suddenly as he brought up a hand to cover his mouth. He looked away in shame. “The horrid things I called you… even in court…”

Mia raised a hand. “An eye for an eye. Never mention it again?”

He copied her action. “Agreed.”

And then they both laughed. And, for the first time in a while, Miles felt safe. It all felt unreal. This wasn't him, this couldn't be happening. It was probably a dream, so he'd enjoy it while he still could.

“I can’t believe it…” Mia said after they’d settled. “I knew our Dad was a defense attorney, and I’d even researched Gregory Edgeworth once I became one. God, it all makes sense! That’s why Mom agreed to help, and why it was such a big deal to her.” She held her head in her hands, and her stolen black hair fell in front of her face. “I’m so stupid,” she muttered, “I should’ve put two and two together!”

“In your defence,” Miles responded, “I didn’t either. And it is rather obvious now.”

“My Dad was a Brit.”

Miles chuckled again. “He was.”

Without warning, Mia’s embarrassed expression turned into one of sympathy.

“I’m so sorry Miles.”

Now it was his turn to be confused. “Why?”

“We all lost our father at a young age, but Maya and I never found out, and we didn’t really mind since we still had our Mom. But you had no-one…”

Miles was about to argue that he had Von Karma, but decided against it. It wasn’t the time to bring him up. It was probably never going to be, either.

“There’s nothing we could have done.” He said sadly.

Mia scoffed. “Yeah but…” she cut herself off with a smirk. “You’ve got a little sister to take care of now.”

“I already have a little sister-” He argued instinctively, then cringed. He shouldn’t have said that to his dead biological older sister.

Still, Mia seemed to show understanding. “Franziska Von Karma, right? She’s still your sister, just as much as Maya is. Maybe even more than her. But I'm warning you, Maya is a hell of a lot clingier.” She paused. “How did she take it?”

Of course, Mia wouldn’t know since she was busy being dead. “Not how I’d expected, but good. I think she’s happy.”

Mia smiled. “Good.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, in which Miles wished he could have properly met Mia Fey while she was alive, but it was eventually broken by Mia herself.

“You should tell Diego.”

The happiness and warmth that Miles had felt began to dissolve.

“Wh-What?”

“Diego Armando. He told me he worked under Gregory Edgeworth briefly, and he never had a bad word to say about him. I think he deserves to know.”

Diego Armando was a defense attorney that he had faced off against in court a few times but never had the chance to meet properly in person. Even Miles struggled against him, though he would never admit it. The man was poisoned by Miss Dahlia Hawthorne and was in a coma for 5 years. When he woke up, he disguised his identity under the name “Godot”, and was recently convicted for…

A shaky hand was brought to his mouth, and he felt sick to the stomach.

“H-He murdered our mother…”

It was the first time that fact had really sunk in, and Miles hated it.

All of a sudden his shoulders were being gripped tightly. He was forced to look into Mia’s eyes.

“Yes, he did kill our mother.” She stated, matter-of-factly. “But he also saved our sister, whether that was his intention or not. He also mourned me, Miles. He may be a criminal, but he is nothing like Manfred Von Karma. Don’t you dare compare him to him. Deep down, he's a good man.”

“I-I won’t.” Miles replied and for the first time in his life, he genuinely felt like a little brother.

Releasing his shoulders with a satisfied look, she stood up and made her way to where Maya had originally been sitting.

“I’ll let Maya come back now. I’m sure you both have a lot of catching up to do, and I presume Phoenix doesn’t know yet either. You’ll tell Diego, won’t you?”

“You have my word.” Is what he said, but he still felt very hesitant.

“Good.” She said firmly. “I hope to speak to you again soon, Miles.”

Averting his eyes as her figure began to morph into Maya’s, he glanced at the door again. Mia was right, he was yet to tell Phoenix. How would he react, finding out that two of his friends were related? Would he break ties with him? Go into denial?

“Edgeworth!”

It was his turn to smile. This had all gone far better than expected. “Miss Fey.”

Maya (she was back to Maya now) frowned, and Miles immediately took back that last statement. “Dude, we’re siblings now, if you call me Miss Fey again I will end you.”

Once he was certain she was joking, he let himself laugh a little. Perhaps his little sisters weren’t that different after all.

“Alright, Maya.”

It felt strange on his tongue, but he could get used to it. Hopefully.

“Right, what are you up to?”

Both siblings’ heads snapped towards the door, where Phoenix stood with his arms crossed playfully. The pout looked quite authentic though…

He realized that the scene he'd walked into must look very odd, with one friend laughing hysterically and the other letting out a rare chuckle, both with tear tracks on their cheeks.

Now he had another hurdle to cross. Luckily he’d remembered his speech for Phoenix. He would have to be gentle in his delivery and be certain he had the correct order of facts. Reaching out to pick up the photos, he stood up and took a deep breath. It was time.

“We-”

“Guess what Nick?!" Maya yelled, startling him. "Edgeworth’s my brother!”

Oh.

Oh no.

[unexpectedreylo]

Here It Is:  My Spoilerific Review/Post Mortem of TROS

When I saw The Last Jedi two years ago, the movie haunted me for days, for weeks, for months.  It inspired the imagination, dragging me into the world of Reylo and reassuring whatever reservations I had about the post-Lucas sequel trilogy.

The Rise of Skywalker haunts me too but more in a “Demon House” kind of way.  It fires up the imagination, but more in the sense that it keeps you up at night thinking of all of the ways it could’ve been better.

This isn’t to say I hate the movie.  I don’t.  It’s not even entirely or mostly bad which is what makes it extra frustrating.  You can laugh your way through a total disaster like “Cats” or “The Room” but a movie with plenty of promise and of talent behind it that makes some bad decisions is tragic.  Especially since this is the closing chapter to a trilogy and the saga itself.

You can see there are bones for what could’ve been a really good, maybe even great movie.  One of my favorite parts was the opener where Kylo Ren literally descends into hell/the underworld to confront the devil for no other reason than he didn’t even want Satan above him, a man who serves no gods or devils.   (That right there is a classic Byronic hero.)  Exogol is a great haunted house/spooky setting.  The revelation that it was Palpatine manipulating him all along was a shocker and makes Ben’s story that much more poignant.  I also really liked the contrast with Rey’s introduction, a beautiful shot of her in the verdant forest floating among rocks as she’s meditating.  She is Persephone in her element (which makes the ending all that more baffling but don’t worry, I’m getting to that).

This sets the stage for the revelation that the two are part of an intriguing concept, a Force dyad, kind of a Star Wars version of soulmates maybe even twin flames.  The two just had to acknowledge the feelings between them, reunite, and take out the Sith trash while Rey finally confronts her own dark side.   I don’t mind the latter concept at all because with the trilogy’s thickest plot armor, I think it’s valuable to put her in some peril and to have her better understand Kylo/Ben.

Abrams also wanted to recapture the feel of 1980s blockbusters like the Indiana Jones films or The Goonies, both made by his old mentor Steven Spielberg.  That’s most palpable when the Space Scoops Troop, er “trio,” falls into quicksand and pokes around an underground cave looking for one of the film’s many MacGuffins.  Abrams does good set pieces and powers them along with snappy dialogue.  Like TFA, it’s peppered with some genuinely funny scenes.

If nothing else, you can’t blame the cast for any of the film’s problems.  Everyone does the best they can with what they’re given and the long-standing chemistry between various pairs (Adam and Daisy, John and Oscar, Adam and Harrison Ford for example) do a lot to serve their scenes.  I think Oscar’s best scene was when he confesses to Leia lying in state that he doesn’t know if he can be the leader the Resistance needs.  It’s an honest, human moment.  Daisy continues to infuse Rey with her natural luminance.  I particularly liked the few quiet moments she has, such as meeting the children on Pasaana or healing the snake.  It shows her compassion and foreshadows healing Ben.

Daisy does pretty well with what she is given about struggling with her dark side.  (Remember, she didn’t write her own screenplay.)  Maybe it’s unpopular to say this but I kind of liked her brief turn as “Dark Rey.”  I have no doubt had she turned dark she would be pretty scary.  Her desire for revenge and fear of her own nature--driven by genetics or not--were intriguing concepts and I thought she tried to make the most of it in her performance.

Ah Adam Driver.  God bless that man.  He brings his considerable A-game 100% of the time no matter what and it shows.  He could sell sand on Tatooine.  I have no idea why they put the mask back on him other than a marketing department decision as I suspected, but taking it off when he’s making his appeal to Rey before she leaps out to the Falcon carries a gravity few people can pull off.  His reconciliation with Han was one of the film’s highlights.  For once the repetitive nature of the script actually worked in TROS’s favor, as Kylo retraces his steps in that fateful scene from TFA and finds a way to clear his conscience.  I also think this was originally meant to help the audience forgive him, especially since right after this he renounces the dark side.  Which makes later choices baffling, which I’ll get to.  Driver’s shiniest shining moment though is when he is once again Ben Solo.  Deprived of dialogue for the rest of the film other than “ow,” he nevertheless manages to convey a different personality that is very much Han Solo’s son.  His fight scene is right out of a 1970s martial arts movie, imbued with determination and sass.  I want to see a trilogy about THAT guy.

The Reylo scenes are, well, until it goes south, wonderful.  Some of us would’ve  preferred a lot less fighting but I see it as mostly Rey trying to deny herself and Kylo not being sure if he really wants Rey to turn to the dark side.  (On that note, I wish we’d seen Rey’s vision of sharing a throne with Kylo rather than just hear her talk about it.)   As I predicted, the turning point of the relationship came after the lightsaber battle on the Death Star wreckage.  I find it interesting that Kylo hesitates to kill Rey--partially because of his mother’s influence--and it’s she who could’ve killed him.  She immediately recognizes the dark side was turning her into something she didn’t want to be and nearly costs her the man that deep down she loves.  She heals him completely and along with her confession that she would’ve taken Ben’s hand, his soul is nearly healed by the power of love alone.  Which makes the film’s later choices baffling.  If you think about it, Ben’s turn is even more dramatic than Vader’s.  Vader chose his son over the Emperor at the last minute, some inkling of his light still there shining through at the right moment under duress.  Ben flat out rejects the dark side of his own volition.  That is pretty powerful.  Which makes the ending far more painful.

Rey and Ben’s one big romantic moment was tender and sweet and that was a pretty good kiss.  We finally get to see Ben’s big toothy grin.  Even though we all hate it, Driver did an amazing job conveying first his sorrow over Rey, then his relief, his joy, his love, and finally his strength leaving him.

Visually, the film looks great.  I think J.J. did an even better job shooting this film than TFA.  Adding to the visuals is the fabulous art direction.  They hired supervising art director Paul Inglis immediately after his previous flick Blade Runner 2049 came out, and that decision paid off.  This leaves the film with a number of beautifully-rendered scenes, whether it’s the haunted house scary underworld beneath Exogol, Kylo Ren’s starkly white quarters, the landscapes of Pasaana, the stormy seas around the Death Star II’s wreckage, the shot of Rey hesitating in the Star Destroyer’s hangar before leaping out to the Falcon, or Rey meditating among the floating rocks during her introduction.

I liked D-O and Babu Frick.  I even liked the lady who complimented Kylo’s helmet.  

Where do I start having problems?  The first time I saw the movie the scenes with Leia didn’t bother me but the second time I saw it, it was far more apparent they wrote around the bits of footage they had left.  It was a valiant effort to make Carrie Fisher part of the last film she never had the chance to perform in but it didn’t feel organic.  Since Leia dies during the movie anyway, I don’t know why having her pass away offscreen in between TLJ and TROS is less merciful to the audience than having her body lie beneath a sheet for half the film.  No wonder Billie Lourd skipped the premiere of this flick.  I couldn’t take it if it were my mother either.

On my second viewing, the Resistance base scenes started to get on my nerves.  Maybe it’s because I got tired of looking at the same group of like 10 people over and over.  Maybe I was annoyed that the only purpose of those scenes was to earnestly spout exposition.  Now, exposition is important.  I’m surprised Abrams, notorious for not bothering with it even if it’s necessary, even did this much.  But there was something about George Lucas’s Rebel base scenes that made these people look and act like guerrilla soldiers.  Maybe it was Lucas’s experience shooting films with Navy guys as a student, or his documentary style.  Abrams’s Resistance behave more like college students and activists than soldiers.  

But TROS’s biggest problems lie in its breakneck pacing and its writing.  Parts that should’ve had greater emotional resonance don’t because it moves along too fast.  I would’ve sacrificed one of the set pieces/action scenes or chuck one of the pointless new characters for the sake of deepening the relationship between Kylo and Rey or showing us more Ben Solo.

Some of the characterizations seemed off.  I know a lot of fans are deeply unhappy Rose Tico didn’t get to do much but I was surprised to see her in it even to the degree she was there.  What gets me about the whole Rose thing was her relationship with Finn is totally forgotten FOR NO REASON.  Really, why drop it?  There was no narrative purpose for doing so!  

General Hux is totally wasted in this film, reduced to little more than a cameo.  Sure it might be a surprising twist that “I am the spy!!!” (LOL) but his reasons for it are totally OOC.  He might despise Kylo Ren but to the point of helping the Resistance?  This is the guy who cheerfully blew up the Hosnian Prime system and wanted to blow up more.  He’s evil, a psychopath, a true believer in the First Order.  He might give the Resistance a tip that would result in embarrassing Kylo Rey and use that to start a coup against him but just helping the Resistance out of petulance and spite?  Nah.

Poe tries in this film to be a combination of rogue and deadly earnest idealist, but you generally don’t find those two qualities in the same person.  One second he’s talking about smuggling space dope, the next second he’s saying stuff like “Good people will fight if we lead them!”

Finn, God love him, is reduced to largely running around yelling, “Reeeey!” and eagerly trying to tell Rey something but the film never really got around to what it was.  It wasn’t until a Q&A session that Abrams revealed Finn was trying to tell Rey he was Force sensitive (something that should’ve been developed over the course of the trilogy).  Abrams had time to show us a random lesbian kiss for representation points, but no time for Finn to tell Rey he was Force sensitive?  Huh?

The story not only contradicts the previous films--I wonder if Abrams even saw his own movie TFA much less anything else besides the OT--it contradicts itself throughout.  Palpatine’s return is never really explained and his motives with Rey keep changing.  MacGuffins are added on top of MacGuffins with side missions thrown in.  Chewbacca is blown up then he’s miraculously alive on another transport we didn’t see.  Abrams and Chris Terrio didn’t just add to Rey’s origins, they blatantly spackled over it and TLJ’s overall message.  Discovering one is of evil origins is a gothic storytelling trope but really, it should’ve been developed since the first film so it doesn’t feel like whiplash from something else.  Everyone keeps telling Rey don’t be afraid of who you really are, but Rey ultimately does nothing but run from who she really is.  With each reversal, retcon, or contradiction in the film, it leaves a mess.  We’re supposed to believe Rey was better off sold to Unkar Plutt than be with her not-so-bad parents?   Who the bloody hell had sex with Darth Sidious?  You mean to tell me Luke and Leia knew all along Rey was a Palpatine but they never bothered to say anything and somehow they had more confidence in her than in their own flesh and blood?  Oh while we’re at it, I noticed the second time I saw the movie they straight up gave away Ben’s death before it happened!  WTF?  “Leia saw her son’s death at the end of her Jedi path.”  It seems like Luke and Leia were resigned to Ben’s fate as some horrible destiny that couldn’t be changed but Rey was still an open book to them.  That’s so stupid and really fellow OT fans, how does this respect our childhood faves?  Han comes off as the only decent person in this thing.

Rey and Ben taking on the Emperor was a great applause moment, the dyad unified against the ultimate evil.  For the most part it was fantastic...until The Yeetening.  Two things annoy me about the remainder of the conflict against Palpatine.  One, Rey and Ben should have destroyed Palpatine together.  If Rey could do it on her own then what the hell did she need Ben for?  He could’ve sat out the rest of the movie at Starbucks and remained alive while Rey killed Palps on her own.  There’s no point to their combined power because it wasn't necessary.  Two, while poor redeemed I-turned-back-to-the-light Ben was crawling up the pit with no help from anyone, every good guy we ever knew of in Star Wars, even from the cartoons, is giving a voice over pep talk to Rey.  (It seems cheap too since we don’t see the characters.  Avengers Endgame did this kind of thing far better.)  How about if the pep talk was given to the BOTH of them?  That Anakin Skywalker, the man Ben had idolized, had time to say “wakey-wakey” to his tormentor’s granddaughter and not his own grandson is appalling.  The third thing is while Darth Vader defeated Palpatine with the love for his son and his long-gone wife, Rey defeats Palpatine simply with power.  Rey and Ben’s love for each other could’ve been the force that defeats the Sith once and for all but for some reason it doesn’t occur to Abrams and Terrio.

I could’ve forgiven most of this--the jar of Snickles and all--had they got the resolution right.  But they didn’t.

ROTJ and ROTS’s endings were masterful.  ROTJ gives you an idea of what trajectory our heroes were likely to follow:  Han and Leia were going to end up together, Luke was going to bring forth the next generation of Jedi.  ROTS sets up Obi-Wan on Tatooine, Yoda on Dagobah, Leia on Alderaan, Luke on Tatooine, Darth Vader on a Star Destroyer, and poor Padmé on her way to Star Wars Heaven.  I have no idea what happens to Finn.  Maybe he’ll train with Rey.  Maybe he’ll go to college.  Maybe he’ll backpack through Europe.  I have no idea.  His story just stops.  Same deal with Poe.  Aside from getting shot down by Zorii, what’s he going to do?  The film gives zero indication.  It goes from the Free Hugs session to Rey squatting at the old Lars homestead.

The biggest crimes though occur to Ben and Rey.  Ben’s death sucked all of the air out of the film.  Yes, it’s beautiful that Ben loved Rey so much and so selflessly he was willing to surrender his life for hers.     It’s beautiful that it never mattered to Ben who Rey was, whether it was “nobody” in the last movie or the granddaughter of his tormentor/enemy in this one.  Had the Palpatine concept been there all along, there would’ve been something sweet about healing the rift originating in the prequels.  But I wanted Ben to live.  I wanted for once for someone to address the issue of atonement but Terrio and Abrams were too lazy to bother.   If The Grinch could be redeemed AND find atonement with those he wronged in a 30 minute Christmas special with commercials, then why not Ben Solo in a 150-minute movie?  

I could have lived with a sacrifice arc though had it been handled correctly.  But they flubbed it big time.  The sacrifice isn’t honored at all.  He just dies, he vanishes as Leia’s body vanishes, and he’s “never to be seen again.” Or mentioned.  Rey barely reacts on camera.  It’s as though reviving Ben from certain death, choosing good over evil, making a valiant attempt to save his girlfriend armed only with a blaster, and giving his life for hers weren’t valued by anyone.  The movie didn’t give a damn.  When Vader died in ROTJ, he at least had final words with Luke who then burns Vader’s remains on a pyre.  We see Anakin restored to his true self join the Force Ghost crew at the end of the movie.  We got none of this with Ben.

It’s also the most frustrating and disappointing disruption of a romantic arc since 1980′s “Somewhere In Time.”  In that film, Christopher Reeve travels back to 1912 and finds true love with Jane Seymour.  Everything is going great and Reeve’s character has made the choice to stay in that time and marry Seymour.  Then he pulls out a 1979 penny and is sent “back to the future” as Seymour screams.  At least that film though had the decency to reunite the love birds in the afterlife.  Which might explain why the movie still has a cult following to this day.  Tragic love stories always make sure there’s some kind of catharsis for the audience.  Rose takes Jack’s name, lives her life as he asked her to do for him, tells his story, and reunites with him when she dies.  Romeo and Juliet are united in death and the healing of their respective houses begins.  Even Padmé got a state funeral and had the legacy of her children.  There was no such catharsis for Rey and Ben.

Rey ends up right where she started:  alone and in the desert.  She got the Dorothy ending, there’s no place like home.  But the difference is Dorothy is a child not yet ready for the big scary world and the answers to her problems weren’t out there but right where she was.  Rey is a grown woman.  She should’ve been treated like one.  Instead she is deprived of her lover/soulmate and while such a separation should have been painful, it doesn’t even register.  She has a “found family” but they’re not there with her.  She’s in a home others tried to escape from, haunted by ghosts instead of being among those she loves.  Taking the Skywalker name seems tacked on, as though they realized if the name is to live on somebody needed to take it.  Why not then just have made her Han and Leia’s or Luke’s daughter in the first place?  It’s worse when you remember it’s a Palpatine who’s usurping the name.  Or when you realize she’s still hiding who she is.  

Here’s what would’ve been better.  Rey tells the Resistance about the pure selflessness of the Skywalkers and she wants that to be the core value of the new Jedi going forward, where every new student was going to learn their story.  Then we see her anywhere but Tatooine, happy and surrounded by students of all ages.  Maybe Finn training too.  She sees the approving Force ghosts of Leia, Luke, and Anakin.  Then Ben, clearly a different entity, materializes beside her.

Or something, anything other than what we got.

It’s as though they kept making story decisions without giving any thought at all to their implications.  They tried to do too much while being lazy about it.  They went for expedience--copy pasting ROTJ when convenient--over meaning.

The ending accomplishes what no other Star Wars film has done to me in 42 years of being a fan...it broke my heart and fulfilled my worst suspicions about where the ST was going to end up, largely due to its deflating ending and terrible denouement.  It leaves for me and many other fans a big gaping open wound, not closure.  

Ultimately the sequel trilogy’s biggest flaw is that there clearly was no plan.  What we got was a billion dollar game of exquisite cadaver with no real design for characters, their arcs, the story, or even what message these films are supposed to have.  Every decision was based on the director’s own ideas along with corporate meddling.  So we get conflicting ideas and blatant spackling over what the last director didn’t like. Was Kylo Ren meant to be a guy we love to hate or a lost boy we want to come home?   Was Rey a heroine we can all aspire to be or a lost princess of darkness?  What the hell was the point of Finn or Poe?  What does this add to the saga overall aside from more stuff?  Who are these films even for, old OT fans or young fans?  I believe it’s this lack of a plan that has generated so much confusion and bitter internet wars among fandom.  

[wetookanoath]

This is probably the last one I make of these, so let’s enjoy The Demonic Curse of Annabelle the Doll ~

Fun fact: I’ve been wanting for them to do this one for a very long time, since I started to watch the show almost two years ago. It’s a wonderful time of the year.

I’m absolutely here for these looks, especially Ryan’s hair. In the pics we have seen so far, he looks either okay to MESS. So I’m looking forward to him losing his shit at some point, we all know our nervous wreck.

BITCH, the way they are looking at each other, skjdnskdj. They are so gonna mess with the other in this, Shane is really like :D!! knowing he can fuck up Ryan a bit with this stupid doll. I love them. I’ve missed them so much.

Another little fun fact, I’m so so so so excited about this ep-- This is probably no longer a spoiler since this fic will never be finished at this point, but in Dive, there was a cameo of the late Lorraine Warren and they went to the Warrens’ house/museum for a little scene. This is a great visual for that.

Shane already messing with Ryan is my aesthetic.

This is getting very long, so under the cut, more:

They really got their entire old team for this one, I just remembered that and I’m...... crying. I really hope it’s as iconic as it seems to be already.

"It's a demon" "That's fine", Shane probably knows this bitch already, he aint' having none of its shit.

Shane ready to die already, that's The Mood as always.

YO, I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN OF THE WARRENS. Don't ever talk to me about them because I'm not going to shut up about it ever, I'M SO HAPPY THESE TWO ARE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT THEM.

Bitch, I got a doll from my mom on my 18th birthday. A toy she never got me when I was little, it was a nostalgic thing. Of course, I don't think this mom was thinking "oh yes, let's give te demon doll to my daughter".

"I might... not like them". Here's a little thing, never live with Shane because he is going to take your shit and put it in different places and make you believe you are being haunted, lol.

Ah yes, necessary kiddy laugh track.

Shane fucking Madej, I'm going to murder you myself if you keep giving permission to bad enthities to enter your body/harm you.

"I'd feel bad for her", RYAN. "I'm gonna trap her in there!" "A Shane prison", SJNB SNJDNDSND. THESE TWO.

What the fuck are you doing Ryan????????

*Little girl voice* "Hey, I love you" DHHJDSDNDJSDNF BYE, SHANE.

THE HAIRY CHEST GRAPHIC, ASJDNSJDNSJDNJD BYEEEEE

Yeah, Ryan has a point. I mean, If we are talking about this being real-- It means that something from another place of existence is controlling this doll, so of course the thing could actually do shit an object could not.

Shane going to say that shit to her isn't it? *five seconds later* Called it.

Ryan's face as Shane says it would be crazy if he died is me. Jesus, I would be slapping him.

"What if I creep HER out and she is afraid of ME?" SHANE MADEJ, STOP.

"Yeah, same, me too" why is Shane such a fucking mood all the time? These two are so stupid, I love them so freakin' much.

THE WARRENS HOUSE. OH MY GOD. I'M GOING TO CRY.

"You have that look in your eyes again", you guys that gif better do that sweet, sweet parallel gifset with the "you look so brave, but your eyes betray you" thingy lol.

Shane actually sounds excited about the doll from the With trailes like a good history nerd. Same.

Bitches, one of my biggest dreams is to go to that fucking place. I want to, I need to know that place.

It's their love child, the devil thingy.

"Hey, lady" SHANE IS SENDING ME.

Wow, how much time they spend standing there talking to that? Also, Shane talking about the comodities of getting him possessed is the worst thing in the world, oh my God.

"Oh God, why would you say that, man?" HE SOUNDS SO STRESSED. And the way Shane immediatelly palms his shoulder like trying to calm him down, asjndsmasjdfnkdj. Oh man.

SHANE!!!!!!!!! Ryan immediatelly taking his hand, JESUS FUCK.

Te Shanester, LMAO. "I do not respect you", Shaneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sTOP.

Ryan is genuinely nervous, my poor guy. KDNFIWNIEN LOOK AT HIM PLAYING WITH HIS HOLY WATER.

"That's always a joy to see". OH MY GOD, ANNABELLE WANTS TO MURDER THEM, SJDDSNKDNSKDFNDJSDNF. BYE.

Shane's head camera is so tall, Ryan looks tiny lmao.

"I'm alone in the Warrens' house, surrounded by the world's most haunted items." CRYING.

Bitch, every sound is going to make Ryan want to die, awwwwn dnssnjdnsdfj.

SHANE'S HAIR. OKAY, THAT'S VALID.

Oh God, Ryan, my baby sdjfndsjdndsjdnfdj. Shane saying Ryan is messed up more than he has been in a while, yeah. He is.

"Your time is up. You didn't expect me? It's just me." *sighs deeply*

"I'm going to be so pissed if we die", Ryan sjndsmkdmndsdjf. 

[pastelwitchling]

25 Days of Fluff Day 1

The ship of today: Max x Alex (Enes)

***

“Max,” Alex blinked. “Well, this is a surprise. “

“Sorry to bother you, Alex,” Max tilted his hat to the airman, his other hand on his belt as Alex gestured him inside. “We’ve been hearing about a lot of disturbances around this area, and I thought I’d check on you.”

“Disturbances on Christmas Eve?” Alex mused. “Maybe it’s Santa.”

Max huffed a chuckle. “Yeah. Maybe.” He looked around. He had not expected Alex Manes to be the holly jolly type, but there was a tree in the corner, decorated with bright red and green lights, candy canes, gingerbread men, and little ceramic doves. The walls glistened with mistletoe, lights, and wreaths, there were two stockings hanging over the fireplace, and as Alex’s beagle stared up at Max from her master’s side, Max saw that she was wearing a Christmas sweater with the words ‘Happy Howlidays’ stitched across in cursive lettering. The sight warmed his heart, and made him want to laugh. He refrained.

“Have you heard anything? Seen anybody around here?”

“No one ever comes around here,” Alex said, and Max watched as he leaned against his couch’s armrest. Alex’s condition, what he’d lost during the war, it was no secret.

“What about you?” he asked. “You okay?”

Alex scoffed. He seemed to realize Max was watching his leg, and he stood. Max tried to tell him he didn’t need to put any weight on it, but held back. He didn’t think Alex Manes was the kind of man that appreciated being told he could rest. Not by a stranger, at least, and Max reminded himself that was what he and Alex were; strangers.

“You sound like Guerin.”

Of course. Even if Max and Michael didn’t have the same last name and weren’t raised by the same family, they were still brothers. Of course Alex would see Michael when looking at Max. It left a sort of sting in Max’s chest that he didn’t know what to do with. Did he just feel bad for Michael, unable to be here because Alex couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore? Or did he feel bad for Alex, left here in this hunting cabin, no one but the Sheriff to ask him how he was.

“You know, Michael doesn’t know I’m here,” he said, not knowing why he felt the need to say it. Maybe he just needed to prove to Alex that he had people who cared about him. Maybe, a small part of him wondered, it’d be kind of nice to be Alex Manes’ friend.

Alex raised a brow. “Would it have made a difference if he did?” Max didn’t say anything, and Alex nodded, understanding. Max felt bad. He wished he had some better news.

“Alex, I…” he trailed off, and sniffed the air once, twice before he asked, “What is that?”

“Hot chocolate, I’m making a batch,” Alex said, the hint of a smile at his lips. “Why? You want some?”

Max opened his mouth to answer, then looked in the direction of where he assumed the kitchen was, then back at Alex. The airman laughed. “Don’t you have rounds to make or something?”

Max waved him off, looking back over his shoulder, and thoughtlessly said, “Eh, I only really cared about checking in on you.” As soon as the words left his lips, Max blinked, and looked to find Alex staring at him with furrowed brows, his smile dimming.

“You know,” he said with a casual tone that did not match the strange jump in his chest. “Michael would kill me if anything happened to you.”

Alex’s eyes fluttered, as if the mere mention of Michael’s name was enough to jostle him out of his thoughts. “Right. Yeah, uh, let me – let me go get you a mug.”

He pressed his lips together in an attempted smile, but Max could feel the tension. His brother was there, at Alex’s side, even when he wasn’t. The fact that his presence seemed to dim Alex’s spirits though – well, Max didn’t know what to make of that.

               Alex’s beagle suddenly started barking at the window. “Hey,” he frowned. “Girl, what’s wrong?” he checked the dog’s collar – Buffy, it read – and scratched her ears. “Buffy, what is it?”

               Buffy kept barking, her eyes seemingly focused on something outside. Max followed her gaze and saw a figure among the forest trees, and his hand went to his gun. Max’s frown deepened as the figure stepped into the moonlight.

“Oh my God,” he breathed.

“What’s wrong?” Alex appeared, and squinted at the scene outside. He blinked. “I-is that a –”

“Reindeer,” Max said.

“I’d say you just found your disturbance.”

Max agreed. “What the hell’s it doing here?”

“Well,” Alex said, “it is Christmas.”

Max snorted. “Ha ha.”

               Neither of them said anything else, and Buffy calmed as Alex scratched her back, his eyes still on the animal outside. After a moment of staring, the two burst into laughter. The reindeer seemed to be minding its own business, unaware of the trouble it caused, and for some reason, Max found that even funnier.

               “Shouldn’t we,” Alex shrugged, “do something?”

               Max’s laugh died to an amused chuckle as he pulled out his phone. “On it.”

               They straightened and Alex held out a mug of steaming hot chocolate for Max to take. He closed his eyes as he took a sip, the warm liquid warming his entire body. He found himself wishing he could stay here a little longer to enjoy the Christmas lights and the warmth of the fireplace, which was weird because he was Max Evans, and this was Alex Manes, and he didn’t usually like being around strangers longer than he had to. Especially not strangers his brother was in love with.

               He cleared his throat. “Uh, thanks.” He used his mug to gesture at the door. “I better go – uh – wait outside for animal control.”

               Alex’s smile faltered, and Max saw the instant in which the airman’s defenses came up, his smile as polite as always. But it was too late, he thought. He’d seen Alex’s genuine laugh, seen Alex smile, seen the way his eyes light up in the firelight to gold, and even if it was brief, he didn’t think it was right that the airman would have to hide that joy away so quickly. Maybe it was knowing that that made Max say his next words.

               “U-unless you wouldn’t mind if I just waited in here? It’s kind of freezing outside, and I might need another cup of this.”

               Alex raised a brow, his smile turning kinder, more amused, more real. “Sure, Evans. You’re the Sheriff.”

               Max smiled to himself as he took another sip. He was just glad to be heading somewhere with Alex for Michael’s sake. That was all. He was doing his brother a favor, and nothing could be more gratifying than that.

               “Uh… Sherriff?”

               “Hm?”

               “The reindeer’s gone.”

               Max nearly choked on his chocolate. “What?” he squinted at the outside, and found nothing. He and Alex hurried out into the snow. Alex had nearly stumbled on his prosthetic, and Max caught him. “Be careful,” he’d told him as his hand lingered on the airman’s waist. He hastily pulled away.

               They looked around, but even Buffy couldn’t seem to find the missing animal. Then Max’s eyes caught hoofprints on the ground, and he pointed. “Look. A trail.”

               They surveyed the prints, and frowned. “This can’t be right,” Max said. “They just stop here, in the middle of nowhere. How did he just disappear?”

Max offered Alex his arm as he leaned down to check the trail himself. “I’m no reindeer expert, but you see these hoofmarks here? They’re messier than the ones behind them.” He stood, dusting the snow off his pants. “The reindeer had to have dug its hooves into the snow pretty hard before it vanished.”

“Which means,” Max’s brows furrowed. “It either jumped and disappeared, or…”

Alex swallowed. “It flew.”

After a moment of silence, Max inhaled deeply. He saw no sign of any reindeer anywhere, the trail had completely vanished, and through the window, he could see his and Alex’s steaming mugs just sitting on the windowsill, waiting for them in the warmth.

He exhaled on a laugh. When Alex turned to him, he shrugged. “Maybe it was Santa.”

Alex scoffed, surprised. “Yeah,” he said slowly, shaking his head at Max’s silliness. Max found that being thought of as silly wasn’t too bad if he could make Alex laugh like that. “Maybe it was.”

***

Happy December 1st everyone! I’ve been waiting for this day just so I could finally turn on the Christmas music, start watching Christmas films, and just get into the Christmas spirit. I feel like this little one-shot is very Christmas-y, and I had a blast writing it.

If you guys do end up reading and liking this work even a little bit, please remember that reblogging helps get my work out, helps me as a writer, while pressing the like button only tells me that you’ve read it, and helps my work in no way. Yes, I will be posting these reminders every time I post a story. No, I don’t care if it’s obnoxious.

By the way, I’ve finally decided that the max x alex ship name is Enes (pronounced eh-nz. Like ends, but without the ‘d...’ the irony of that is not lost on me.)

[ablueeyesangel]

The Gift

Pairing: Ivar x Reader.

Word Count: 1.525

A/N: I hope you all will like it. I let me know if you want a part2 :)

Part2

There she is, she looks so ... good. No, good is not a good enough word to describe her. Beautiful? No. Ravishing? Yes, that's the one. Ivar thought as he watched you serve the people across the room. He knew he shouldn’t stare someone for so long, it was not polite. He just knew your name, never talked to you. He wouldn't even know what to say.

 "Do you see something that you like?" Aslaug's soft voice asked, causing him to look away from you quickly. Ivar looked like a child guilty of being caught up doing something wrong.

"I was just looking," he said almost quietly as he averted his eyes to his glass before taking a sip of his drink.

"Oh we noticed," said Ubbe, his voice dragged and his cheeks red with alcohol.

"We couldn't help but notice, he does not take his eyes off her," Hvitserk said with a laugh.

Ivar felt his face burn with embarrassment at being caught. You were just a thrall, but still he could not stop looking at you like you was the most precious thing in the world. He knew better than to act like that.

"She's just a thrall." He spat the words out in anger and an attempt to appear indifferent.

"She's a hot thrall," Hvitserk said thoughtfully.

Ivar clenched his hands into fists as he watched his brother. Deep down he knew that if any of his brothers were interested in you, he would have no chance. Who did he want to fool? Thrall or not, you'd never want to be with a cripple.

The conversation died and Ivar felt his thoughts torment him. He couldn't stop making assumptions about a future where you would be present in his life. As you approached to be coming to the queen's table, you felt everyone's eyes on you. Hvitserk smiled as he looked at your body blatantly. Now watching more closely in an attempt to find out what had managed to catch the attention of his younger brother. Ubbe nodded politely when you finished serving him. The queen just smiled patronizingly as ever, but this time you felt something else behind her smile. It made your skin shiver. You approached Ivar to serve him, but he did not even look at you. You didn't understand why he always ignored you, maybe he didn't like you or didn't think you were good enough to deserve his attention. As soon as you finished serving them, you walked back to the kitchen. Your work was tiring and there was no time to think about princes that you would never have. You were never beautiful as Margethe, who without any effort conquered all Ragnarsons at once. There was a time you still had hopes, Ivar was not yet wrapped in her webs. But days ago you'd discovered that Margethe had slept with him too. Ivar had even paraded with her through the great hall. You definitely had no chance of being noticed by any of the princes, let alone by Ivar who seemed to dislike you.

                        ×××××

The next day, as soon as you awoke you were called by the Queen. Your heart pounded in anticipation and fear. Aslaug was not a bad queen, in fact she had always treated her slaves very well. But she could also be very strict if someone made mistakes. Had you done something wrong? Had she noticed that Ivar didn't like you? Oh Gods! What would become of you.

"My queen." You bowed in a bow before her before approaching.

"Look at me, Y/n." Aslaug said in a firm but sweet voice.

You raised your eyes to look at her, surprised that she remembered your name. "How can I help you, my queen?" You asked apprehensively. Never before had you been called by the queen, you had never left your work zone.

"I'd like to change your functions," she said as she rose from the throne and walked over to you.

"Did I did something wrong?" You asked in surprise. You couldn't think of being demoted. Working in the kitchen and serving in the great hall during the parties weren't easy jobs, but there were worse.

"No, on the contrary." Aslaug smiled at your confusion. Clearly you were oblivious to the events. This made the queen even more certain of her decision. "I wish you would become Ivar's personal thrall," she explained quietly. Your heart pounded in your chest. A mixture of good and bad emotions mingled in your mind. As much as you were intrigued by the younger prince, you were not sure if that was a good idea.

"I'm sorry, my queen, but I do not think that's a good idea," you whispered sheepishly, hoping the queen would not take your words as an insult. When you saw the look of disgust on Aslaug's face, you quickly tried to mend the confusion that had begun. "I guess Ivar doesn't like me," you said quickly before facing the ground. Aslaug giggled before getting closer to you.

"My dear, even if that were true, it wouldn't matter," she said before reaching up to your chin and lifting it up, forcing you to face her. But of course it didn't matter, you're a thrall. Her sweet tone was pure formality, in the end her choice would always remain. And now you would belongs to Ivar for him to do whatever he wants. This was the first thought in his mind when his mother had told him what she had done. And it was a dangerous thought.

                        ×××××

The next day you moved your few belongings into a room next to Ivar's, as the Queen had asked. Even knowing that your work would now be relatively easier, you still felt worried. Never in your life have you been a personal thrall. What would he ask you to do? Could you fulfill all your tasks?

That morning before your arrival, when Ivar had discovered that you would be his personal thrall, he was happy. But his joy lasted little, Sigurd who always arranged a way to torment him, told Ivar that you didn't want to be his thrall. He stated in lying details that he had seen you beg the queen not to give you this function. The discussion ended with Sigurd with a cut on his forehead and Ivar angry.

Then later, when you arrived with your things, all he wanted was for you to disappear from the front of him.

"Get out!" Ivar shouted as he saw you standing in the doorway of his room. The sudden noise made you jump with fright. Not knowing if you should really leave, you looked around trying to think of something. "I told you to leave," Ivar yelled again, getting even angrier when he realized that you didn't move.

"D-did I did something wrong, my prince?" You asked in a shaky voice as you tightened your fingers nervously.

"You don't want to be here, why don't you leave then?" He asked with a cynical smile in an attempt to mask his anger.

"It's not like I really could choose, my prince," you whispered sheepishly as you stared at your own feet. "I told the queen that this would not be a good idea, because you don't like me, but she does not-"

"Why do you think I don't like you?" Ivar asked with genuine confusion. He thought it was more than obvious when he looked at you everywhere, everyone had noticed. How could you not?

"You always ignore me when I'm around," you whispered timidly, hoping the sentence would not make it seem as lacking in attention as you felt.

"That doesn't mean I don't like you," he said simply. You looked at him expecting an explanation, but realized you would not receive it so you faced the floor again.

"So you did not beg my mother so she would not put you on as my personal thrall?" He asked, staring at you suspiciously. You just nodded in negative, feeling too intimidated to form any phrase.

Ivar's blue eyes burned in you now. He studied every detail of you, from the tips of your feet to the hair that fell loose on your face. A small smile formed on his lips as the infamous thought returned to his mind. You were his now.

"Why are you so nervous?" He asked now, looking less suspicious. You raised your eyes to look at him. You could almost hear your own heart pounding against your chest. Your hands were trembling and cold. There was no denying you were nervous.

"I've never been a personal thrall before. I don't know what to do." You said sincerely looking at him timidly. Ivar smiled before motioning for you to approach. You entered the room and approached the bed, standing in front of him.

"You just need to take care of me and make me happy. Would you do anything to make me happy, y/n? "He asked with a smug smile on his lips.

"Yes, my prince," you said quickly in anticipation.

Ivar could not be happier to have you as a gift.

[sage-nebula]

for the HC meme: odd numbers for keith, evens for lotor :D

I’m going to answer for Paradigm Shift because it’s far better than and preferable to canon, and I’m also just going to do all of them for both of them since that’s easier than hopping back and forth, haha.

1.) Their physical weak spots:

Keith: He’s very ticklish behind his ears. It’s not a spot many people know about for obvious reasons, but Lotor discovers it accidentally while kissing, once, and never lets him forget it after that. On a less happy note, Keith has a scar on the back of his neck where Acxa dug out his Revender chip with a knife, and while that healed all right for the most part, it’s still indented, a bit sensitive to the touch, and aches a bit when he’s stressed.

Lotor: Whether it’s something genetic, or whether it’s what years of being dragged around by your hair in your childhood by your various diaks will do to you, the top of Lotor’s scalp is randomly painful to the touch. Often times it’s fine, but then other times the slightest brush against it will make it sting like it’s newly injured. Similarly, “tutoring” sessions with his diak often had him chained him with weights on him, which is what led to him dislocating his shoulders over and over and over again in his childhood. The last few times his shoulders didn’t heal quite right, or maybe this is just what happens when your shoulders get dislocated that many times, but either way he can dislocate his shoulders at will now, though it still hurts like nobody’s business (although he’s also used to the pain to a degree, so …). Other than that, he doesn’t really have any—at least, not any that he’d willingly divulge.

2.) Their emotional/moral weak spots:

Keith: Due to the traumatic circumstances in which he ended up at Revender, Keith can’t remember anything about his early childhood before ending up there, and isn’t even 100% sure that “Keith” is his real name (because the first name he remembered upon waking up there was “Kolgan,” and he went years without hearing his actual name, and had to really think on it when she asked him what it was). He’s a bit sensitive about this aspect of himself and his history (as seen when he snaps at Zethrid for asking if he made his name up), even though he mostly tries to focus on the present and therefore the future. He also, due to being discriminated against and abused for it for all of the life that he can remember, has a few bristly spots regarding his half-galra heritage—namely, that he makes sure everyone knows that he is part-galra instead of letting them put him in one box or the other (e.g. when he snapped at Hunk for calling him “Galra Keith”), and that he’s not going to shy away from, hide, or feel ashamed of this fact. He’s part-galra, and so is their entire team, and so are all the auxiliary teams, and they’re all going to change the universe no matter how many people hate them for that, because people hate them anyway just for being born so they might as well just lead a successful revolution while they’re at it, to hell with anyone who tries to stop them.As far as moral weaknesses go, Keith’s actually pretty ruled by what he feels internally as being Right, which means that he could well show mercy to someone who’d just sold them out so long as that person was a civilian also in bad circumstances. He’s far from afraid to do what he has to so that they survive / their mission is completed, meaning that he has killed Empire soldiers and will do so again (and if another reality-crossing happened absolutely would kick the shit out of every single canon Paladin without flinching if it came down to it, no mercy given), but there’s a reason that Acxa privately deems him “soft” the night they leave with Lotor, and that reason is because Keith is more willing to trust or offer mercy than most. He is, point blank, the second nicest person on their team. (The first nicest is Narti, and even she will fuck you up if it comes down to it, so … don’t mistake kindness for weakness. Not even once.)

Lotor: Oh boy. Well, to start with he has a myriad of trust issues. Lotor faced abuse (often under the guise of “education”) for pretty much his entire childhood up until the point he left with Keith and Acxa when he was thirteen, on top of assassination attempts (none too few of which came in the guise of food, which is why the first and only time Ezor ever tries to pull a food prank on him, it does not go well). Since he never had a trustworthy person in his life until he met Keith and Acxa when he was thirteen, and wasn’t even sure he could trust them right away (and tbf they had made a private pact to ditch him at the first sign of shadiness so he wasn’t exactly wrong), Lotor has an immense amount of difficulty trusting people, and usually doesn’t. On top of which, betrayal is something he takes immensely seriously and, perhaps understandably given who his enemies are, doesn’t forgive. On top of which, while Lotor knows that Haggar = Honerva = His Mother, he likes to pretend that Honerva died and was reincarnated as someone else—that, had his mother lived, she would have loved him. This is something that he works through, albeit with Keith’s very tough love (which in turn amounts to enough of a fight between them that the girls start wondering if they’re going to break up, which leads Zethrid to say, “I had to sit through three friggin’ decaphoebs of that will-they-won’t-they bullshit. They sure as hell better not break up after all that,” and Acxa to reply, “You’re complaining about three? Try six”), but even after he comes to accept that Haggar = his mother just as much as Zarkon = his father, the whole issue of his parents being abusive, genocidal tyrants who quite literally want him dead (or enslaved, or lobotomized and then enslaved, and really, is there much difference?) is still a sensitive topic even though he likes to say it’s not. And as a final note, he’s very sensitive to the idea of losing what he’s worked so hard to gain for himself: a home, a family, and love.

As far as moral weaknesses go, oh boy again. Lotor genuinely wants peace. He genuinely wants to create a universe where all planets rule themselves, where people can live happily, their unique cultures thriving, without the fear of losing their children overnight. But Lotor also doesn’t take betrayal well, as mentioned. If a civilian sells them out, and then that civilian is predictably going to be captured, tortured, or killed by the Empire as well, Lotor’s more than willing to let that happen because the civilian sold them out, whereas Keith’s the one who wants to go back to help the civilian no matter how much of a jackass they were. Lotor’s the one who will gladly throw Throk under the bus to take the fall for something Lotor and the team did, whereas Keith would rather let Throk screw himself over, as Keith is sure he will inevitably do (and Lotor agrees tbh), rather than setting it up. They don’t always agree (the civilian traitor issue is a big one they will never agree on, especially since Keith risks his own life trying to help that civilian out, which Lotor feels is unforgivable x2 on that civilian’s list of crimes now), but in many ways Keith is the one tugging Lotor back when Lotor starts to get too close to that line. Keith brings out the person in Lotor, and grounds him, as AJ once said.

That said, if Zarkon, Haggar, or anyone else ever succeeded in killing Keith? On their own heads be it. 

3.) Scars:

Keith: As you could expect from someone who has spent most of their life fighting (and fighting in a war, at that), Keith has a lot of scars. Notable ones are the one on the back of his neck mentioned earlier, where Acxa dug out his Revender chip with a knife, same as he did for her. As I mentioned before, that one aches a bit when he’s stressed and is a bit indented. He also has a little scar on his bottom lip from where an opponent in the Revender arena bit him when they were fighting; their fang went all the way through his lip and left a scar there. There are plenty of others, too, but those are the most notable that I can think of right now.

Lotor: Like Keith, Lotor also has a lot of scars, albeit pretty much all of his are in places easily covered. He has scars around his wrists and ankles from these bracelets / anklets his diak made him wear during “tutoring” sessions when he was young, which would deliver harsh shocks whenever he got an answer wrong, tried to argue something he was taught, et cetera. Originally the shocks would just leave weals, but after enough layering eventually the skin there just scarred. Similarly, the stunt he pulled in the Revender arena the day he met Keith was enough of a transgression to earn him a punishment in lashes from his diak, oversaw by Zarkon and Haggar to make sure it got done, and so he has scars all down his back from that, too.

4.) Best places to kiss on their body: 

Keith: Lotor likes to kiss Keith behind his ears, given how ticklish Keith is there, but Keith’s preferred spots are on the corners of his mouth or eyes, or on the palm of his hand. The palm kiss always makes him melt a little.

Lotor: Lotor likes it when Keith kisses him down along his neck and across his shoulders. He’s also very partial to Keith placing kisses between his shoulderblades when they’re lying in bed at night.

5.) Guilty pleasures:

Keith: For the most part, the idea of feeling guilty for liking something is foreign to Keith. There’s so much to be miserable about in the universe, given that the Empire rules it, so why should they make fun of the little joy they have? The closest he gets is when Kolivan gives him the yupper plush he had as a child, and the nostalgic scent (that he doesn’t even remember the reasoning behind) makes him hug it without thinking. That’s embarrassing, and even more so when Keith realizes how comforting the smell and feel of that plush really is. Other than that, though, no guilty pleasures.

Lotor: Keith is a lightweight, and he’s also very giggly when drunk, and so sometimes Lotor likes to persuade Keith into drinking just so he can see Keith get very giggly and silly because it’s endlessly amusing to Lotor. It’s a guilty pleasure because he knows he shouldn’t, but … he just wants to see Keith say “cash cache” and then fall into uncontrollable giggles because in that one, intoxicated moment, it’s the funniest thing Keith has ever heard in his life.

6.) Their vices (physical or emotional):

Keith: Whether it’s with one of the pod ships they have, or a hoverbike, or even the Black Lion, Keith loves flying as fast and as recklessly as he can. He’ll take ships out on test runs through asteroid fields, dodging and weaving around them, because the rush of adrenaline is intoxicating. Even when he crashes, provided he’s not unconscious or dead afterward, he’ll end up laughing because of the sheer rush of it all. This counts as a vice not only because of how dangerous it is, but also because pretty much everyone hates that Keith does it because of how dangerous it is to his health and safety. (One time Keith wrecked a hoverbike he’d been testing so badly that he had to fly a pod ship back with a broken leg, several splintered ribs, and a dislocated shoulder, and Lotor just about had apoplexy.) 

Lotor: This will sound silly at first, but—gossip. Not harmless, middle school gossip, but Lotor likes scoping out information on others (his enemies, namely) that he can pocket and use for later, usually in ice cold revenge dishes. He’s not only always listening no matter the situation he’s in, but he also utilizes information networks in his spare time in order to get whatever intel he can for later use. Even the most trivial thing, like how one of Zarkon’s commanders hates another, high-ranking commander, could come in handy someday, and so Lotor grabs whatever seemingly petty gossip he can. (Also, sometimes it’s just funny. He’ll admit to schadenfreude where other people’s embarrassing secrets are concerned.)

7.) Their tickle spots:

Keith: Behind his ears, as mentioned.

Lotor: None, actually! He’s not ticklish at all.

8.) Bad memories/experiences:

Sadly, given the lives they’ve led, it’d be easier to list the good memories / experiences.

9.) Humiliating memories:

Keith: Once everyone finds out from Kolivan when Keith’s actual, exact birthday is, Ezor rounded up everyone (meaning their team, plus the auxiliary teams) to sing a happy birthday song to Keith on the day of. He had to endure a roomful of people singing to him at once, all eyes on him. It was awful, and he made sure it never happened again.

Lotor: Soon after they met Ezor and she joined the team, she decided to pull a prank on Lotor by putting something super spicy in his morning cereal. Because Lotor had many experiences in years prior to that with people poisoning his food for a variety of reasons (“lessons” from his diak, people actually trying to kill him, et cetera), the taste of a flavor he was not expecting and that shouldn’t have been there triggered him pretty badly. He wasn’t at all at fault for this (and believe me, both Keith and Acxa chewed Ezor out over it) and has no real reason to be embarrassed, but to this day he still looks at that loss of control as a pretty embarrassing memory.

10.) Fears/phobias:

Keith: Keith doesn’t have any phobias, and on the day to day he doesn’t consciously fear anything, because unless something is happening right in that moment, he doesn’t see a reason to fear it. In other words, if they have some downtime and everyone’s safe, he doesn’t consciously think about how he’s afraid of his friends (his family) being captured by the Empire and tortured to death. But if they all were captured, then yeah, he’d be afraid of them being tortured to death, but even that would be kind of muted because he’d be more focused on rescuing them and getting them back. Fear isn’t something that rules Keith, or something he dwells on. He doesn’t see much value in sitting around scared; he’d rather do something to eliminate the threat.

Lotor: The idea of facing his father in one-on-one combat is something that scares him. Being anywhere that’s open and exposed without a weapon close at hand makes him feel anxious. The idea of there possibly being a leak in security in his ranks is enough to make him triple check every precaution he’s taken to make sure there isn’t. In contrast to Keith, who is a very much “we’ll deal with that problem when we come to it and otherwise not think of it” type of person, Lotor is fully aware of the things that unnerve him and takes active precautions to make damn sure it never “comes to that.” 

11.) Bad or petty habits:

Keith: Keith bites his nails, and scratches at itchy scabs, and when someone is bullshitting he never lets it go. The fight Keith and Lotor have about Lotor accepting that Haggar is his mother that I mentioned earlier? The reason that was so prolonged is because Keith brought it up at every single opportunity. Lotor would walk into a room and Keith, without looking up from the tablet he was reading, would ask, “So, accepted that that witch is your mom yet?” He finds ways to reroute conversations right back to the point he refuses to let go, pushing and pushing and pushing until the person admits the truth. Again, Keith did that to Lotor out of very tough love (because if Lotor didn’t accept it in a safe place surrounded by people he loved, odds are he’d have to accept it when in a bad situation with Haggar herself, and that would be ten times worse), but it nonetheless can seem pretty petty to everyone who’s not him.

Lotor: It’s not uncommon for him to fall asleep in full armor, which in turn becomes pretty grody from sleep sweat. He also doesn’t always remember to take his dishes back out to the kitchen and so it’s not too uncommon to walk into his room and see a collection of used mugs and glasses over at his personal desk. (Smh, that’s how you get space ants, Lotor.)

12.) Grudges and vendettas:

Keith: Keith doesn’t hold grudges. Legitimately, he just doesn’t. He’s very much a, “we’ll deal with it in the moment and then be done with it” kind of person. If he has a problem with you, you know it because he’s told you. And you either settle it and he moves on, or you refuse to change your ways and he accepts that and still moves on, just while liking you less as a person. Of course they’ve made enemies of the Empire, but that’s not really a grudge or a vendetta. That’s, “they’re killing innocent people and also want to kill me so we’ll take them out of power first” type of deal. Sort of a whole different situation.

Lotor: On the other hand, Lotor remembers everything that has ever happened to him or the people he cares about and he never lets it go. He has a mental list of people who have wronged him or his loved ones and how, and should the opportunity ever arise to pay back one of those on the list, he does so and with interest. Throk was a racist, backstabbing traitor? Well, send him to the Ulippa outpost to rot with the ice worms (at least until the opportunity arises to frame him for further treason in the Empire, at which point do that so Haggar can torture him instead). Ezor’s mother abandoned her as a child and then only took interest in her again once she realized that her daughter had grown up to be a Paladin of Voltron? Well, once Ezor has realized her mother for the opportunistic vulture that she is, arrange it so that the woman is sent off to a different corner of the universe where it highly unlikely she’ll ever be able to attempt to leech off the daughter she cast out ever again (and where although she is surviving, she is not thriving), and so on. Lotor never forgets anything and there is no statute of limitations on these grudges, so it’s really in everyone’s best interests to never cross him or those he cares about. Sooner or later, it won’t end well for those who do.

13.) What gets them flustered:

Keith: Compliments. He is awkward as all hell when being complimented, particularly if he’s complimented by Lotor given the feelings he has for him. Remarks about how he is invaluable short-circuit his brain, but even smaller compliments like how he is an ace pilot are enough to make him start blushing and deflecting. He just can’t take a simple compliment from the one he loves without getting all embarrassed. He’s a mess.  

Lotor: There’s not really a concrete way to get Lotor flustered, because catching him off-guard is no easy feat. That said, blunt, honest admissions of how much one (particularly Keith) cares for him are definitely a way to do it. Keith does not play games, nor does he beat around the bush, and this way of his of just stating exactly how he feels gets under Lotor’s guard and skin. Examples can be seen here and here. 

14.) Ingrained habits/forces of habit:

I feel like I just answered this one in 11, haha. The only thing I’d add is the routine checking of security systems and the like that they both do, but otherwise I already talked about their habits.

15.) What it takes to make them cry:

Keith: At this point, the death of someone he loves. Pain, even extreme, generally doesn’t make him cry. The thought of his own death doesn’t. Unfortunately, the Empire being what it is, he’s seen so many innocent people killed by the Empire that that doesn’t drive him to tears, either. But if he lost someone he loved? Yeah, he’d cry then. That would do it.

Lotor: Pretty much the same, although I think his tears would be more from fury than grief, and followed by a scorching wave of vengeance in their name. He wouldn’t have tears to spare for grief, though, because on some level he’d reason that he should have expected this to happen. The moment he finds any happiness for himself, Zarkon and Haggar rip it away. Isn’t that how it goes? (Doesn’t mean he won’t make them pay for it with their lives, but still.)

16.) Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’:

Keith: I think the closest Keith has is that promise he made with Acxa the night they agreed to leave with Lotor, that they’d take him down and bolt at the first sign of shadiness. This is especially because it was his proposal; Acxa was reluctant to trust and go with him, but Keith pointed out that if it came down to it, it was two vs. one and they could take him. That was what got her to agree. The thing is, as the years go on Keith forgets about this promise entirely, so it’s sort of like shroedinger’s skeleton, in a way. Is it really in his closet if he’s forgotten it’s there?

Lotor: Mmm, I don’t know if this really counts, but when he was younger and still under the “tutelage” of his various diaks, it was common knowledge to those in the circle (including Lotor himself) that he was expected to shape up and become “good enough” not only because he was Zarkon’s biological son and therefore the crown prince, but also because he was intended to be betrothed to Sendak when he was of-age, given that Sendak’s bloodline was exceedingly pure, he was of a high-ranking noble class, he was pretty much the apple of Zarkon’s eye, and so on. Of course, the fact that Lotor was half-altean was not something that thrilled Sendak, but again, Lotor was the crown prince. The idea that Zarkon and Haggar had was that once Lotor and Sendak wed, Sendak would act more as emperor than his true role of emperor consort, making Lotor little more than a figurehead. Naturally, once Lotor fled Revender with Keith and Acxa in tow those plans were pretty much nixed (and Lotor was never into the idea anyway), but it’s still something he remembers that he never shared with the others. (And note that no swords were exchanged, so they were never officially betrothed. The swords would have been exchanged when Lotor came of age, but since he ran away before that happened, it was never an official engagement. Just a plan he did not agree to but was set anyway because none of the others involved cared about his consent.)

17.) Regrets:

Keith: He regrets any life he took outside of those that were Empire soldiers actively trying to kill him. Accidental kills in the Revender arena, any civilians caught in the crossfire . . . Keith doesn’t dwell on it, because dwelling won’t do any good, but he regrets each and every one.

Lotor: Lotor regrets telling his diak about a servant he befriended in his childhood due to the execution that resulted, although that’s yet another thing on the long list of things he intends to make his parents (and said diak) pay for down the line.

18.) Things they’ll never admit:

Keith: Keith is pretty honest about most things, so he doesn’t have a lot of secrets. That said, after he finds out about his true heritage (that his mother was one of the agents of Marmora, that he lived there until he was kidnapped at age three), there are nights when he wonders---and in a way, kind of longs for---what his life might have been like had he grown up there all along, but then he immediately feels guilty because it means he might never have met Lotor, Acxa, or the others. So he’ll never admit to feeling that way. Also, he and Lotor have made out in the Black Lion, multiple times, but he’ll never admit that to anyone, either.

Lotor: That he’s afraid of facing his father in a one-on-one duel. That he’s afraid of discovering through multiple-reality research that perhaps his mother would have always loathed him, even if she’d never “turned into” Haggar. That when he learned of Keith’s true heritage with the Blade of Marmora, for a split second he wished something would blow up the primary base so that there’d be no risk of Keith leaving him for them.

19.) People they’ve hurt or indirectly killed, and how it affected them:

Keith: When he was nine he was transferred into the weapons’ testing division at Revender, which essentially consists of two primary components: There’s taking a weapon through obstacle courses of cannons and poison gases and whatnot to see how effective everything is, and there’s taking weapons into a combat arena to test how effective they are there. Keith always tried to avoid killing his opponents---usually he’d knock them out---but the first time he accidentally killed someone, it was because they were holding him down, choking him, and he flailed out with a dagger in his hand and put it right through their throat. Their blood ended up all over him, and he was returned to his cell like that, to sit silently through the night as Acxa told him repeatedly that he did what he had to do and it wasn’t his fault. He was ten. He didn’t sleep that night.

Lotor: When he was very little he befriended a servant. It was slow, at first; this servant knew the risks of so much as looking Lotor in the eye, much less talking to him, but Lotor hadn’t picked up on any of his father’s classism, and so he persistently tried to talk to him until he opened up. He was kind to him; she told Lotor stories about his life back home, slipped him candies and such when he could. After one particularly harsh lecture from his diak, Lotor exploded that his servant friend (he used his name, obviously, I just don’t have one for him yet) never treated him this way. The diak reported this to Zarkon and Haggar, and they had the servant executed. Lotor was not notified until after the fact. He blames himself for it to this day.

20.) What-ifs/Alternate Timelines:

I mean, the show’s reality is an alternate reality for these two here in Paradigm Shift. There could be others, too. There’s that one Keith speculates about, where he did grow up among the Blade and never went to Revender, never met Acxa or Lotor that way. There’s one where the war never happened, where Lotor was raised properly as a prince, where perhaps the Blade of Marmora never formed and maybe Keith was never born at all since Krolia would have no reason to go to Earth, then. There’s an infinite number of possibilities and realities. So many exist. But as Lotor says, the only one that matters to them is this one right here---the one they’re living, where they’re together. 

21.) Turning points in their life:

Keith: Well, being kidnapped and taken to Revender for one, albeit he doesn’t really remember that. He just woke up there one day with no memory of where he came from, how he got there, or what was going on. Meeting Acxa was another, because she reminded him that he was a person outside of the identification the Revender soldiers and scientists gave him, and she also gave him companionship in there, just as he gave to her. Then there was meeting Lotor, since he gave them a method to escape, and hope of revolution, too.

Lotor: The death of the aforementioned servant, having everyone in the Revender arena reject his ideals and facing punishment for what he did there, claiming the Castle of Lions and realizing that his revolution truly was possible for the first time, and so on.

22.) People who’ve influenced them greatly:

I’m a firm believer in the idea that everyone we meet and regularly interact with influences us in some way. Therefore, I’d say that both Keith and Lotor have influenced each other greatly, but on top of that, they’ve each been influenced greatly by Acxa, Ezor, Zethrid, and Narti as well. (And later on down the line, Kolivan, too.) They all influence, learn from, and grow with each other. It’s part of what makes them and their relationships with each other so strong.

[moistwithgender]

Monthly Media Roundup (April 2019)

April was a bit of a disaster month for me, and as such I didn’t get much of anything finished. Old wounds got reopened, I was sick all month, I had an unavoidably bad birthday, and a lifelong pet died. I didn’t engage with a lot of things, and mostly slept. I did play a lot of Breath of the Wild, but seeing as I didn’t finish that, I’m not including it yet. Here’s the things I did finish:

Games:

Blaster Master Zero (Switch): I actually first bought and finished this two years ago, and since the sequel has come out I decided to replay it with the Shovel Knight DLC character. While I genuinely like this game (I 100%’d it both times), I was not really in a good spot to enjoy this playthrough, and just kinda mindlessly pushed through it for nine consecutive hours, beating it in that single sitting. Playing as a DLC character removes the story, which is fine since they’re intended for replays, though I wonder if it added to my emotional disconnect. SK doesn’t receive fall damage, and so the precariousness of navigating the world outside of the highly-mobile tank doesn’t exist nearly as much, though the trade-off is that SK’s combat abilities in dungeons are hindered by an overall lack of range. The game is still rather easy, though, so I can’t say any particular level cadences or combat scenarios carved their way into my memory.

To the game’s credit, though, the things that are good about it are still good. If you have an attachment to the original NES game, or an interest in retro properties, or just want a nice, breezy platformer, it’s very good. It’s interesting in how it repurposes the altered plot of the US version of the original game (where it was its most popular), including even the plot of the little novelization that came out because Gotta Get Those Video Game Kids to Read Something. It has a fake out ending, and if you 100% the maps it unlocks a final map that is genuinely surreal enough to be the highlight of the game. Despite my sighing, it is a genuinely good time, and I’m very curious to play the new game, somewhat hilariously titled Blaster Master Zero 2.

Anime:

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I chewed through the last four episodes of this so that I could say I finally finished the season. I didn’t watch the post-season recap episode. TenSura (the abbreviation of the Japanese title, which I will use to refer to it because satisfyingly abbreviating the english title is impossible) is not a very good show, but for about half the length of the 24-episode first season, it fascinates due to how it functions at all. TenSura is an isekai show, much like the other isekai shows, where a person dissatisfied with their life is brutally murdered (usually by a truck. USUALLY by a truck) and is reborn in a fantasy world that coincidentally gives them an absurd advantage over other people, allowing them to live out all the decadence they felt they deserved in the real world. If this sounds like the most boring kind of wish fulfillment possible to you, that’s because it is. It’s also extremely popular with consumers. Which is interesting! I think the isekai boom is indicative of how late-stage capitalism everyday people the world over, that we envision or escape to worlds where your efforts actually return appropriate reward. A bonkers concept, to be sure.

In TenSura, the formula doesn’t stray much. The main character is a man in his 30s (?) who has never fucked and gets knifed to death while HEROICALLY saving a coworker from a plot-irrelevant stabber dude who was running down the sidewalk with his knife out for no reason besides Main Character Needs an Inciting Incident Now. It’s actually pretty weirdly violent for the start to a show that is almost entirely light-hearted. Dude dies, his coworker dumps his hard drive in the bath out of respect (lol), and he wakes up in a fantasy world that works on videogame logic, including loot, skill trees, and class upgrades. He is reborn as an adorable slime a la Dragon Quest, but the personality traits he had in his previous life (and I guess his choice of dying words) scan to obscenely convenient passive abilities that ensure he’s not only invincible, but will never stop experiencing exponential power growth. Also he immediately makes friends with a final boss-level dragon and then eats him. That’s how he makes friends in this sometimes.

I’m being very cynical here, but the core narrative loop (and it IS a loop) of the series kept my interest for longer than I expected. Rimuru (the name of the reborn protagonist) goes somewhere he hasn’t been, astonishes the nearby (sometimes violent) inhabitants with his overpowered abilities, makes friends with them, and then improves their lives with community. Goblins, direwolves, orcs, demon lords. It stacks and builds upon itself to absurd degrees but it’s interesting that in a genre loaded with very problematic stories of disenchanted dudes finally getting the underage harem they’ve always wanted (aaaaAAAAAAAAA) that the main concept of this series is improving the lives of others and giving them closure for the ways life has hurt them. Even if. Sometimes that hurt was the main character’s doing? Like Rimuru absolutely decapitates a direwolf leader and then adopts the pack who from then on absolutely LOVE the dude. Also one of Rimuru’s abilities is that if he gives a monster a name, it class upgrades, which is generally and reasonably seen as a life improvement. Though, these class upgrades are almost always decidedly “less-tribal” or outright human, which smacks of some imperialist thinking. It’s also something I’m sure I never questioned in old videogames growing up. Meanwhile, there’s also a bit with a woman who came from Japan during that one really bad war, you know the one, and the closure she’s given as she’s dying is handled with actual delicacy. It’s a weird series! It’s only a shame to me that after most of the first season, there was less to talk about. Sometime after the halfway mark, you realize the show is never going to maintain tension for more than half an episode, that all problems are solvable (yes, even terminally ill children), and that the show isn’t going anywhere you can’t predict. It’s a checklist show, and the plot points are a list of achievements being checked off one episode at a time.

I don’t think I would actually recommend the show to most people, despite how popular it is. It’s not a great show, but it does weird enough things for a while that it generates conversations. Which is honestly pretty okay. It’s a pretty okay show. Also, Rimuru is effectively nonbinary (with he pronouns), and that’s… somethin’! (24 episodes, finished 4/17/19, Crunchyroll (Funimation also now has the dub I think? Clips I saw were pretty weird, Rimuru seemed to be characterized differently.))

Manga:

Nejimaki Kagyu Vol 1: You would think a manga that immediately starts with a reference to Phantom Blood would be, well, at least interesting.

Okay maybe invoking a beloved work doesn’t actually mean anything. I just wanted to share this blatant callback. Nejimaki Kagyu is a seinen manga about a highschool teacher whose tragically cursed to, uh, have all teenage girls fall in love with him. And the highschool-age childhood friend of his who has spent her whole life obsessed with him and learning super martial arts to defend his chastity. Her supers make her clothes explode.

…

I take no joy in this travesty.

Anyway, uh. The biggest tragedy here is that the art is actually really good, though the paneling is regularly squished around to hilarious degree. Let’s look at some pages and then forget this manga exists forever.

That horror face is how I feel the entire series should be portraying itself. The manga has a distinct lack of self-awareness.

The fan translation for this series appears to have dropped off halfway through and hasn’t been picked up for years, and based on reviews I saw on MAL talking about the directionlessness of the later volumes, I wonder if the translator got fed up with the series. Oh well!

Kyou no Asuka Show Vol 1: Oh god damn it I just got done with talking about a series about ogling the youth.

BLEASE STOP

Okay so. Kyou no Asuka Show, or “Today’s Asuka Show” is an older slice of life manga by the same author I mentioned previously who is doing an edutainment series about people working in a condom factory. Innocently-minded women in comedically lewdish situations appears to be his whole bag. I think Asuka is pretty charming, but I also know she’s designed to appeal to my monkey male gaze. Obliviously sexy is very much a mood, and in a more adult context I would be all for it. There have been a few chapters where I find myself at odds with the wisdom the author is attempting to impart, sometimes through Asuka’s father, who works as an adult photographer, and doesn’t want his daughter involved in anything that could cause her to be ogled. Like, that’s already something that requires a lot of unpacking in the modern day. Aforementioned wisdom sometimes takes the form of Asuka doing something stupid and innocent and ripe for objectifying, like wearing a school swimsuit in a rainstorm. Or she’ll work a job as a cute girl courier and inadvertently turn a shut-ins life around. Situations where, if it were in real life, I’d think “wow that’s weird and charming,” but by being a work of intentional authorship, it inherently loses some of that innocence, and becomes something well-meaning but problematic. Is that the second time I’ve used the word “problematic” in this post? Is this 2014?

I may continue reading this, but I really can’t recommend it to most people I know in 2019 without several disclaimers and also without probably getting some side eye. I think it’s worth a couple chapters to feel out what its doing before you decide whether you can siphon the charm from it, or would rather move on to something else.

Me enjoying myself when this manga tries to suddenly get up to some shit.

Blue Period Vol 1: This is the last thing on my list, because I don’t want to expand this list beyond the three mediums I’ve already assigned to it. Also, I actually finished this May 1st, but I wanted to talk about it now.

If I had the power to actually get people to engage with a specific work once per month, Blue Period would easily be the one I pick. That doesn’t mean as much when all the other things I finished this month were conflicted experiences, but I really think everyone would benefit from this series. Or at least anyone with even a passing interest in visual arts.

Blue Period (named for Picasso’s Blue Period) is about a highschool delinquent who has a knack for studying, a safe social life, and no interests in pretty much anything. He’s on the road to do fine in his life, and he doesn’t question it much, but that’s it, until he discovers art and realizes it’s the only way he’s ever been able to truly communicate his feelings. It changes everything about him, for more emotionally satisfying reasons, but also riskier ones. He only has one year of highschool to go to decide what he’s doing with his life, and Japan has a very strict education system. You’re not really allowed to just “get around” to things.

Apologies in advance if you’re tired of me spamming full pages but I really do wanna show this off. This is another series with an educational angle to it, though the emphasis is definitely more rooted in a personal narrative of growth. The explanations of art practice and the functionality of exercises and tools are both very informative and relevant to the characters, never feeling like the story is taking a backseat to explain. The characters are, hilariously, everyone I’ve ever met in an art class. There’s the kid who would rather exclusively draw the things they like, there’s the kid who likes art as a hobby but haaaates being given a project, etc etc. There are students who have an innate grasp on how to draw but haven’t internalized the Why of the exercises, and students who are receptive to the lessons but don’t have the ability to match. The narrative is extremely even-handed towards all of these different levels of skills, and places a lot more importance on why, emotionally, you should totally care about drawing apples and water pitchers for five hours at a time. It’s GREAT and I want to force it on every creative I’ve ever known.

Another thing I appreciate about this series so far is that while there has been something resembling sexual/romantic tension, it’s kind of not like that at all? In the first volume I haven’t been able to pinpoint where a potential relationship subplot would go, if at all. Two possibilities are this girl:

...who is a very likable character but surprisingly doesn’t fit into that box of “standard love interest”. The protag’s interactions with her have been exclusively respectful and admiring, which doesn’t even necessarily imply a romantic subplot, but would be pretty cool if it did? And the other girl:

...who is featured in decidedly more sexual tension-y contexts, is actually TRANS. The manga actually portrays them so uncompromisingly feminine that I didn’t realize they were crossdressing (the term used in the text) until the author’s notes at the end of the volume. I will partially blame this on me being out of it this month, since I just went back to their introduction and yep, they got misgendered and contested it. Given how the character is regularly framed (confident, attractive, skilled, nonstereotypical), I’m… pretty okay with this! If a romance blooms between a delinquent boy and a trans girl, that’s amazing.

I hope y’all understand where I’m coming from in expecting a shoehorned romantic subplot. I’m not hoping for one, I just know the product by now. And if it happens, the options are considerably more interesting than usual.

These are pretty good kids.

Manga licensing is a lot better nowadays than it ever was before, with lots of obscure series being picked up, old series getting re-localized, and translations being better than ever. I really really want this series to get licensed so someone can be compensated for it, and so more people might read it. Until then, I think you should look up the fan work.

---

So that’s all for April. If these posts included live-action movies, I’d have talked about Endgame, but I also don’t want to go spoiling anything for someone who still wants to go see that (it’s probably one of my favorite MCU movies, though). I read most of 1970-71 in Marvel comics, or at least most of the issues on my reading list, but I semi-liveblog about those, so you can just search my “curry reads comics” tag for that. Here’s hoping I have more interesting, more positive things to say about May in a month. I expect to finish Breath of the Wild by then, so I’ll finally talk about that. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Go check out Blue Period.

[mystery-salad]

WELL ... u said u have 38 kiddos and theres 26 letters in the alphabet soooo because i'm extra and love reading about them i think u should do one letter for 26 characters of ur choosing (as long as u choose tvelle for one of them) :-) Don't have to do all the questions for each letter, just whichever excites you most!!

Well…THIS is going under a cut for sure lol, that’s gonna be a long-ass post! I’ll try to include pictures of everyone I choose since I know y’all haven’t seen all my kiddos. Instead of answering one letter for 26 kids, I answered all 26 letters for one kid each! Same number of answers, but a little more variety~

TAOMESIN

A: Aptitude

1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young?

They’re naturally nimble and light on their feet, very manoeuvrable and can get to just about wherever they want to!

2. what activities have they participated in?

They used to love holiday activities so much~

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for?

They have worked hard to become a phenomenal sniper so that they can also attack from afar instead of only using close combat.

4. what things are they bad at?

Social interactions and caring

5. what is their most impressive talent?

Their ability to react fast in battle even if things have gone disastrously. They’re incredibly logical and level-headed.

RIEFT

B: Basics

1. what is their hair color?

Light, vibrant green!

2. what is their eye color?

It varies from gold to emerald, colorful flecks and streaks everywhere~

3. how tall are they?

5′8″

4. how old are they?

To current day, she’s 7 years old!

5. how much do they weigh?

Roughly 150 lb

MINT (on the left)

C: Comfort

1. how do they sit in a chair?

They like to curl up with their legs pulled close, nestled as far back as they can be!

2. in what position do they sleep?

Curled up tight, preferably with Azin’s arms around him while they hold onto him.

3. what is their ideal comfort day?

A day where Azin is home all day from work so that the two can simply cuddle and be together while they relax~

4. what is their major comfort food? why?

They love ice cream, the cold numbing feeling inside their body is actually very nice and welcome to them on some level.

5. who is the best at comforting them when down?

Azin is the only one who can comfort them at all.

BODACC

D: Decoration

1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name?

It’d be a mess, scattered parts all over the place, mid-build machines sitting on every elevated surface! Lots of benches and tabls, a couple cleared off for guests but ultimately it’d look like a workshop.

2. how would they decorate their child’s room?

She’d never have a child, but if she were to decorate a child’s room she’d fill it with small animatronic toys and puzzles to ensure the child stays thoroughly entertained!

3. how do they decorate their own room?

It’s overcrowded with nicknacks and spare parts she accidentally carried to her room when tired. The bed is constantly messy and she curls up in a next of blankets and pillows in the center of her mattress.

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear?

Lots of tight clothing that can’t snag easily on tools or gears. She’s really fond of pink so a lot of her clothes are in pink tones. She tries to dress nicely to impress other asuras.

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends?

Nope! No makeup or beauty trends for her, it’d just get messed up from her work within the first hour anyways.

TVELLE

E: External Personality

1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality?

Absolutely! She’s eager and so enthusiastic and excited, she’s constantly bouncing around or hanging off of her friends talking about things excitedly.

2. do they do things that conform to the norm?

Not by asuran standards for sure! She holds no concept of superiority over others, doesn’t particularly care for traditional learning or sitting at a desk or in a workshop for any amount of time.

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing?

Definitely does her own thing! Whatever makes her happy is good, and she doesn’t really care if it’s not on trend or fashionable.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads?

She’s not at all, though the younger recruits she trains sometimes try to catch her up on the fads around Tyria. She good-naturedly pays attention when they all tell her something at least.

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own?

She’s very outward in her personality, what you see is 100% what you get with her. It throws most people for a loop at first, a lot of people think she might tone down more if you get to know her better, but nope! She’s just genuinely that exuberant. 

IMEKAARI

F: Fun

1. what do they do for fun?

All sorts of things! Go out to explore the town, meet new people, invite a friend to a new restaurant, learn a new hobby, relax at home with a good book, etc…he really enjoys getting the most out of life.

2. what is their ideal party?

Lots of new people to talk to, well lit and music’s quiet enough to hold casual conversation. Good food, good drinks, and of course a nice place for games or dancing if it comes up!

3. who would they have the most fun with?

He has the most fun with his three closest friends: Io, Lace, and Trahearne!

4. can they have fun while conforming to rules?

Yup, he’s actually very on top of following rules himself, but he’s having a grand time!

5. do they go out a lot?

All the time! Whenever he has a break from work in a new location, he goes out at least a few times to explore. He also tries to get the others to go out more by inviting them places with him.

KVOLD

G: Gorgeous

1. what is their most attractive external feature?

He has gorgeous eyes, a deep blue brimming with excitement!

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality?

He loves playing around with others and goofing off~

3. what benefits come with being their friend?

You’ll always have someone excited to hang out with you anywhere you want to go!

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike?

He likes his hair a lot, he missed it dearly when it grew in as vines while he was stressed. Since it’s grown soft and leafy again he’s worn it differently every day!

He doesn’t like how he seems so naive to people, he knows he can handle himself really when it comes to anything except the Court.

5. what parts of others do they envy?

He envies that others had the chance to grow up normally.

CHERIE

H: Heat

1. do they rather a hot or cold room?

He likes it warm!

2. do they prefer summer or winter?

Prefers summer, but winter snowball fights and hot drinks are delightful~

3. do they like the snow?

Yes!!! He was so excited the first time he saw it.

4. do they have a favorite summer activity?

He loves beach parties or hiking!

5. do they have a favorite winter activity?

Snowball fights!!!

AQUN

I: In-the-closet

1. what is their sexuality?

She’s pan, but leans more towards girls

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality?

Nope, she was pretty confident from the start!

3. have they ever questioned their gender?

She did for a while wonder if she was a different gender, but after a year or two of exploring she settled back to female pronouns.

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT?

Her family supports her but really hopes she at least adopts a child to carry on the family name.

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out?

She never made a big announcement, and doesn’t care to. Those who would need to know already do.

TOJOLL

J: Joy

1. what makes them happy?

She loves the thrill of adventure, and a good beach party!

2. who makes them happy?

Her girlfriends do

3. are there any songs that bring them joy?

She loves good bar songs about victories in battle

4. are they happy often?

Almost all the time, she’s doing very well!

5. what brings them the most joy in the world?

Hanging out with her girlfriends

ILLIADDE

K: Kill

1. have they ever thought about suicide?

Yes, she’s thought of it several times but has about as much reason to kill herself as to not. Meaning none.

2. have they ever thought about homicide?

She’s committed homicide many times and will many more times, without so much as a thought one way or the other.

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who?

Lace

4. who would miss them if they died?

Strair

5. who would be happy they died, anyone?

So. Many. People.

EMBRANT

L: Lemons

1. what is their favorite fruit?

She loves plums and apricots a lot!

2. what is their least favorite fruit?

Kiwis and Pineapples, too tart for her taste.

3. are there any foods they hate?

She’s not a fan of figs or peanuts

4. do they have any food intolerances?

Nope! She’s not got any

5. what is their favorite food?

Cupcakes! Preferably funfetti

LAIGHE

M: Maternal

1. would they want a daughter or a son?

She has a daughter, but would be happy with either

2. how many children do they want?

One at a time is honestly enough

3. would they be a good parent?

She really would be, and she was, when she wasn’t so weighed down by her job. A lot has happened since then.

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter?

She’d let them pick their own name, considering it’d probably be another sapling.

5. would they adopt?

That’s about all she’d do lol

AEZLIN

N: Never Have I Ever

1. what would they never do?

Say anything remotely self-conscious

2. what have they never done that they want to do?

Nothing at the moment, he’s got everything he currently wants in life. Though I’m sure that’ll change off and on as it does.

3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do?

Fight extraneously. Getting sweaty? Chance of injuries? Gross

4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done?

By his standards? Nothing of course. He’s perfect.

5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do?

“completed” his wyld hunt…in a way…

ENNRECK

O: Optimism

1. are they optimistic or pessimistic?

Optimistic for sure

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others?

Not particularly, he’s pretty laid back and chill. 

3. are they good at giving advice?

Yup! He likes to help where he can, he just doesn’t run into many people very often.

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them?

Nope, he lives a relatively solitary life, which he enjoys~ He goes to see people when he wants to socialise.

5. were they always optimistic?

Nope, he grew up pretty unhappy in traditional charr life as someone who was pretty non-confrontational.

REGNIETTE

P: Personality

1. what is their best personality trait?

They’re full of determination! If they set a goal, they’ll reach it.

2. what is their worst personality trait?

They’re far too stubborn for their own good

3. what of their personality do others love?

It’s never boring with them, they’re impulsive and always come back with an interesting story.

4. what of their personality do others envy?

They’re very good at loopholes

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

They hate when people are cowards or show no initiative.

ELAPHURUS

Q: Questions

1. do they ask for help?

Yup! They always ask for help when they need it.

2. do they ask questions in class?

If they were in class, they’d be that student with a question about almost every topic.

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable?

They would, but they’d look awkward during it.

4. do they ask weird questions?

So Many weird questions. They’re pretty new to the world.

5. are they curious?

They’re incredibly curious! About everything! Especially other sylvari.

STRAIR

R: Rules

1. do they follow rules?

Fuck no

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent?

They’d be a Terrible Parent

3. have they ever faced a consequence for breaking a rule?

Nope, they’re very good at fucking talking their way out of a situation!

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking?

Nope, they have zero regrets in their life. None at all.

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous?

Absolutely, some laws are just ridiculously constraining or restricting or specific. They’re not about that shit.

MATTHIAS

S: Streets

1. are they street-smart?

He’s very street-smart!

2. would they give money to someone on the streets?

No, he got the money himself, he’s not giving it to someone else.

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets?

Ooooooh so many times in his youth

4. has anything happened to them on the streets?

Considering he grew up among bandits, a Lot has happened to him. He’s still looking over his shoulder for some people from his past.

5. are they cautious when out?

If he’s out without his team, he’s on guard constantly.

NIXXTE

T: Truth

1. are they honest?

They’re as honest as their job requires, they write honest reports after missions.

2. can they tell if someone is lying?

Usually yes, they’re part of a spy organisation and can spot a lot of tells now.

3. is it obvious when they’re lying?

Nope, they can lie blatantly and it’s pretty much impossible to tell. That’ll happen when half your face is missing and you sign to speak.

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about?

Nope! No lying remorse

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will?

Nope, they don’t talk about anything unnecessary to say unless among people they trust.

NIKLAE

U: Underdog

1. have they been bullied?

Yeah, one or two saplings who weren’t so nice would bully them sometimes. Thy were a skittish and twitchy target who can’t see what’s coming.

2. have they bullied anyone?

No, they don’t socialise much if thy can help it. Positive or negative.

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully?

Yuuup

4. have they ever been doubted?

No, they don’t regularly voice an opinion to others. They just pretty quickly rebuff most people.

5. have they surprised people with being good at something?

Over the years they’ve gotten used to being blind, and good at maneuvering around the world seamlessly.

THALE

V: Vomit

1. do they vomit often?

No, they’ve got a relatively strong stomach

2. do they get lots of stomach aches?

Sometimes they do. There are days where they don’t eat and those can hurt pretty bad.

3. are they good at comforting someone ill?

If they knew anyone they likely would be very attentive and accommodating when the person is ill.

4. what do they like as far as comfort goes?

A nice, warm and cozy corner to curl up in with a blanket~

5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting?

They burp and cough some. They don’t hiccup much!

TIRS

W: Water

1. do they drink enough water?

She does!

2. have they learned to swim?

She can swim very well, loves spending time in a nice lake when it’s hot out~

3. do they like to swim?

Yeah, it’s tons of fun, especially deep dives!

4. can they dive?

She isn’t particularly graceful, but she can dive competently enough

5. can they swim without holding their nose?

Yup, thanks to the breathing filters Tyria has!

CUE (right)

X: Xylophone

1. what is their favorite genre of music?

He enjoys just about everything to an extent, he’s not too picky. He really enjoys upbeat dancing music though.

2. do they have a favorite song?

No particular favorite, it changes day to day depending on what he’s feeling!

3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer?

If you walked up to him and asked him what band he’s listening to, as he’s listening to a song, he’s shrug and say he just enjoys the song.

4. can they sing well?

Nooooope, he’s mediocre at best.

5. can they rap?

Definitely Not.

ODOLLUMN

Y: You

1. how old were you when you created them?

I was 20 I think!

2. what inspired you to create them?

Frilly/Lacy Pastel Goth was the goal back then

3. were they different when they were first created?

Oh yeah she was so different, she was gentle and kind and beautiful and elegant. She’s still beautiful, but now she’s unsettling and emotionless and a bit menacing.

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?

Not more than my other favorites, but Odollumn is definitely way up there for me!

5. what’s your favorite thing about them?

She’s a challenge to give motivation for since she’s so apathetic, but it’s a really interesting challenge to be honest.

ENVERT

Z: Zebra

1. what’s their favorite animal?

She loves fern hounds, they’re particularly hardy and survive a lot of physical stress.

2. do they like animals?

She loves animals! They’re so convenient.

3. cats or dogs?

Dogs are easier to trap and handle.

4. what’s their dream pet?

She’d love to one day get her hands on an electric wyvern.

5. do they have any pets at the moment?

She’s currently got several ‘pets’, yes!

[daeneryses]

I’ve been reflecting

I’m not angry or sad anymore (i am a little sad im ngl), i’m genuinely confused at how d&d chose to end the series. All jokes aside, these men are not stupid, I mean they created the most successful show ever and did it gracefully for the most part. I have had issues with it ever since s5, but the GA seemed to love it MORE every year. Each year the show grew larger, more ambitious, more successful. And welp, by s8 it was a full blown cultural phenomenon that we haven’t seen in a while. And honestly, the story was right there, fleshed out for them, esp bc the mainstream audience doesn’t spend hours analyzing every detail of foreshadowing, and lbr, GoT has been more spectacle than substance for a while now. Why not have the long-awaited NK-jon confrontation, and some grand sacrifice by dany in order to win the war which leaves the throne free for jon (IK ITS GROSS BUT DO U THINK MOST CASUAL FANS WOULDN’T SCREECH WITH JOY? DANY DIES A HERO AND JON GETS THE THRONE, OR HAVE IT BE THE OTHER WAY) and there u have your bittersweet ending. It’s quick, it’s easy to follow, most people would be happy.

why on god’s green earth would these two men who were clearly tired of the show go out of their way to create this needlessly contrived plotline that, ultimately, left everyone unsatissfied in some way? d&d aren’t the best writers out there, but whenever thay changed martin’s plotlines they simplified things, they never made it more complex. 

and the actual ending. god the actual ending. did anyone get closure? there was no closure. it all felt so hollow (maybe daenerys was the heart of the show hmmmm)

so yeah idk, im just so confused by their choices. listen im ngl and say that I now despise GoT and that I regret watching it bc it isn’t the case. I’m very easy to please lmao, and I made peace with the show being a totally different thing than the books a while ago, and I also made peace with the fact that ever since season 5-6 the show’s been mere spectacle, and I didn’t really mind bc I still loved those characters, I was invested in whatever story they were trying to tell, and as long as it was somewhat believable and was compelling I didn’t have a problem... but I, for the life of me, cannot comprehend how they thought that what they did this season was compelling. Do they really think audiences are stupid? Did they believe no one would question why euron greyjoy (OF ALL PEOPLE) shot down a DRAGON? also, what’s up with all the things they chose NOT to show? arya and sansa’s reaction to jon’s parentage? The actual aftermath of the Long Night (which rly just lasted one singular night I-)? SOME OF DAENERYS’ SUPPOSED DESCENT INTO MADNESS? how missandei got captured? what happened after jon killed dany? why did greyworm let him live? where are the dothraki? what do the lords and ladies of westeros think of the events in KL? WHO REPAIRED THE WALL? that’s just the tip of the iceberg, there are so many unanswered questions, and that’s just plain bad stoy-telling :/

and lbr, the storytelling has been bad for some time now, but this was their final season!! they had to go out with a bang!!! and they didnt!!! it’s literally the worst ending i have ever seen!!! of any show!!! (granted i dont watch many shows but eh) and that makes me incredibly sad, bc up until last episode I was willing to justify MANY things, to suspend disbelief as much as I could, but there’s a limit u know?:/ when your finale leaves more questions than answers, you know you did something terribly wrong.

And I, for the life of me, cannot wrap my head around the fact that a whole writing team came up with that and said “ah yes! perfect!” like these men were comparing it to the BB finale (THE DISRESPECT) I- I don’t have words.

Maybe this is Martin’s ending, but if it is then I hate the fact that they followed it. That doesn’t mean that I will hate his ending, but GoT parted ways with ASOIAF since like season 3; they should have known they wouldn’t be able to deliver the same ending in a satisfying way, simply because it is a different story. The characters are different, so many plotlines have been merged, simplified or just completely ignored, and that’s okay, but don’t try to copy an ending and force it onto a storyline that you haven’t been following. I love both for different reasons, GoT became its own thing (for better or for worse), and it should have continued to be its own thing till the very end.

my blog is a stark blog rn bc that’s the one thing that I didn’t LOATHE tbh. sansa’s ending mostlty. bc arya, jon and bran got mediocre endings for such amazing characters. but they are still alive, which is something that cannot be said for the female protagonist of the series (a big YIKES). i love dark!dany, if we get to see the creation of a villain while being in her head and rooting for her that’d be incredible, but jesus did they butcher it on the show. my poor girl couldn’t even die with dignity, she couldn’t get a proper burial, she never got a trial, she wasn’t avenged, she didn’t fight, she just DIED. and she died a fucking boring death like at least let her embrace her “madness” and take the world down with her. 

so yeah, idk where im going with this, im just very confused atm bc they complicated a very simple story (GoT became fairly simple last season) RIGHT AT THE END..... Y I K E S

In fact, the stoy became so simple that I was worried abt a cliche ending...u know, all the supposedly good guys were at WF ready to fight ice zombies!!! and big ol’ bad cersei was at KL!!! there weren’t many ways to finish that story... god what i would give rn for a cliche ending lmao

I guess i was s u b v e r t e d

in their attempt to pull off martin’s twists they DESTROYED their narrative and I am just so so sad lmao

don’t get me wrong, I still like GoT, I am rewatching the entire series and it will always hold a place in my heart, but I can’t help but feel cheated

[its-just-like-the-movies]

Date Night!: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Back when the swell fella who would become my boyfriend and I were in one of those strange middle grounds where we were on our way to becoming a couple and very, very aware of it, our first sort-of-date was when Tommy invited me to go see Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice on its opening night. I, of course, accepted, somewhat reluctantly. I can’t remember if I was expecting the film to be good or bad, though I’m sure before then some of its abysmal reviews had been public. I was also nervous about the whole “oh my god this is probably sort of a date isn’t it”, especially since at the time I didn’t know him all that well. This would be the first of many dates at Ze Cinemah, although after this we’d be perfectly, happily aware that they were all dates. Even better, I think, is our immediate discussions after the film is over, and how eager we are to talk about it and discuss what we’ve just seen. We’ve seen plenty of films together, and maybe I’ll talk about other ones we’ve seen someday, but I can already feel a pit in my stomach drop at having to talk about this stinking pile of steamingness. All said, Batman v Superman is one of those truly atrocious films, like The Judge or The Danish Girl, that works like so much manure and makes me start sparking and frothing with how horrible they were. It’s an energizer more than it is a depressive, though it for sure is both, and there is one thing about our date in particular that haunts me every day. It’s not even something the film did, but something I did, or almost did, but could have done more of. Something that perhaps could have changed the screening for the whole theater, or as Anthony Hopkins keeps saying in the trailers for the new Transformers movies “change the tide of human history itself”. I wonder about it every day and every night, as I sleep and as I wake, and especially as a type this story to you, The Void, and now I must share the tale of my screening of Batman vs Superman with you to get it of my chest, to free myself, and to see where the tides of human history itself shall take me. Also: I’m going to be very mean to this film, and am very not interested in hearing about how wrong I am from random eggs as I and many others I know have been on Twitter. I hate it, don’t care if you love it, for fuck’s sake leave me alone.

It didn’t take the two of us long to find a pair of seats, though we immediately moved to the row behind us because our view was partially blocked by the structure of the stairwell. We warned the couple who ended up taking those seats about it, though I can’t remember if they moved too. And the film starts. Zack Snyder has the gall to open the film by reminding us that Batman’s parents died in front of him during a robbery gone wrong. He also seemingly cannot hire Jeffrey Dean Morgan to do much beyond die in the openings of his films, though I remember he had more to do in Watchmen. The visual of Martha’s(!!!) pearl necklace snapping in the gun’s safety as the trigger is pulled is sort of fascinating but also pretty grotesque, all things considered. Batffleck is saying something, though I cannot remember what. We see the funeral, little Bruce running into the woods in sadness during the procession, only to fall into a well or pit or some such hole in the ground. The score, I’m sure, was going crazy.

And then, it happens. Baby Bruce is levitated out the pit by seemingly hundreds of bats flying around him like a tornado, floating him towards the light. This is how we are abruptly told that this is a dream sequence, and reader, I laughed. Not the cackle it deserved, but I couldn’t stop it from escaping completely. I chuckled, giggled, whatever; I’m pretty sure Tommy hit me on the arm to calm me down and get me stop but I’m not quite sure. The giggle is what counts, though, and it haunts me. What if I had just burst out laughing at a moment that the whole theater was palpably flummoxed by? Batffleck wakes up but I am still reeling from the horseshit prologue we have been subjected to. It is not the most nonsensical thing we are going to see in this movie. It is not even the least plot-relevant indulgence that Zack Snyder will take us through, nor the least inexplicable jump of energy or plot logic that we’ll be forced to sit through. Academy Award winner Holly Hunter will be forced to stare dramatically, in close-up, to a jar of piss before she and dozens of other people are killed in an assassination plot meant to frame Superman, whose own close up registers at the subtle, bottomless despair and discomfort of sitting on the can and realizing you’re not quite done shitting, except Henry Cavill also registers as remarkably bored. Jeremy Irons reads every line as Alfred Pennyworth with such bitchy, subtly nasty inflections that I actually found the character an unwelcome presence, though if anyone found this a life raft of something enjoyable happening on screen, particularly Irons, then by all means savor him. Amy Adams will throw a Kryptonite spear into an underwater pile of rubble and, with no indication that Lois Lane has been told why the heroes need it to vanquish the rock monster that is Doomsday, dives into the water and nearly drowns recovering it. Batman slaughters - in fact, he often guns down - dozens of criminals on screen, brands sex offenders, had one montage that’s just him training to become even beefier and another, completely bizarre dream sequence that may also be a warning from another dimension’s Flash where Superman is technically Hitler, and Barry Allen screams about Lois Lane before Batffleck wakes up at his desk, which is meant to convey that this May Have Been A Dream Or Is It Ooooooh. This scene has no narrative impact and is never referenced again, though it is not as patently stupid as is the sight of Superman, wielding that Kryptonite spear, deciding to kamikaze himself by killing Doomsday with the knowledge that he cannot survive any assault the giant may bring on him while he is in such close proximity to said spear, ignoring the two superheroes who have been helping him fight Doomsday this whole time.

There are plenty of other absurd, delicious, amazingly shitty one-offs. Michael Shannon is credited for appearing in the film for the three seconds General Zod’s corpse floats in the remains of his spaceship. The President of the United States decides to nuke Superman in the middle of his fight with Doomsday after the latter threw the Man of Steel into the Earth’s orbit (a safe enough distance to nuke him, I suppose). Diane Lane is duck taped and tied to a chair, threatened to be burned alive as Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor throws photos of her with “Witch” written on her face, and all of this is tied into some mythological asinine crap that is Luthor’s motivation for wanting to kill Superman and create Doomsday in the first place. Eisenberg spends the whole film as some combination of Edward Nygma and a meth addict’s impersonation of Heath Ledger’s Joker, and it is by far the biggest trainwreck in the whole film. I think I also resisted laughing once “MARTHA!!???!?!?!?!!!” happened but in truth, I blocked that out of my memory. The sheer joy of seeing Wonder Woman, and hearing the score come alive as she roars into battle, literally, at some points, is all that is keeping me from giving this film an F grade, though perhaps I just can’t rate an Amy Adams film that low. Gal Gadot is at least enjoying herself, which is in even bigger contrast to the stark constipation that Cavill and Ben Affleck are constantly exuding. The film has ideas about literal hero worship, about what Superman could mean or stand for, and wants to have real conversations about his necessity, but it jerry-rigs them through Christic imagery and working hard to undermine the criticisms of genuine challengers and the critics themselves. Bruce’s hatred and suspicion of the Man of Steel seems completely arbitrary, banking on the fear of Superman turning on humanity in spite of his big coming-out party as a global entity being the eradication of his home species for the sake of mankind. Horrific as the collateral damage was, it’s not in line with anything Superman does in the film, is shown as doing, or is framed as doing by Synder himself, who doesn’t pretend for a moment that there’s actually anything wrong with Superman. He’s content to make the man a misunderstood martyr, a golden boy whose death inspires the formation of The Justice League and the warming up of Batman’s glacial, inherently distrusting heart. Superman is basically fridged on behalf of Bruce Wayne, and it’s clumsily executed as Smallville himself is. 

There are so many vile, absurd, abstracted, unnecessary, horrific moments in this film and yet, I still wonder how much that night would’ve changed had I actually burst out laughing at the beginning of the film. What would’ve changed for the whole theater if some jackass sitting hear the back-left had cackled as a small child is literally lifted out of a scene the filmgoing public had seen at least seventy-eight million times by now, one that kicks off an indefensibly ghastly excuse for a Hollywood spectacle lit worse than even the lowest budge episode of The X-Files and colored like it’s scared that bright shades will deflate how Dour and Serious this Cinematic Experience is? Recounting many of the set pieces I’ve already mentioned back to my sister afterwards I couldn’t help cackling at some of them, though I did so far more angrily with Tommy immediately after, baffled not just that I had paid for this film but that it even existed, that anybody who made this gigantic dumpster fire thought that it was in any way a competently crafted, psychologically or emotionally coherent picture. Could we, as a crowd, as a community, have laughed at this horseshit for what it was? I love that in horror movies the audience always make the pact with itself that fine, this is a lot, you deserve a good scream. This picture was even more upsetting, and perhaps if I’d laughed, having taken the piss out of it so goddamn early, we wouldn’t have had to just sit there and take it. We could’ve fought back and laughed at it (with it?), openly railed against it, or just fucking not be quiet throughout this whole ordeal. I will always be haunted by this inaction on my part, and to this day it shames me.

He did try to defend parts of it, but not much, and for sure stole my comments about how Eisenberg wasn’t even playing Lex Luthor when we starting talking about the film to our RA Josh and fellow hallmate Dylan in the hall that same night. Josh peddled the theory that Marvel people had paid off critics to hate on DC’s live-action features, which I challenged by asking why Marvel would even need to do that. It’s not even that DC’s films are so drastically worse than any of Marvel’s features, but Marvel at least has a brand formula at work. Their knock is never that their bad, just predictable and uninspired, though they’ve been getting a little better at going against both those counts lately, with the Guardians films at least. And I will say this for Batman v Superman: It’s awfulness has staked a far larger claim on my mental landscape than The Avengers or Deadpool or most Marvel fare ever has. I liked Man of Steel fine, was particularly impressed by the early minimalism in portraying Superman’s powers, especially his x-ray vision, and was even playing devil’s advocate with family members I saw it with. I’m semi-interested to return to it, but not passionately so. You for sure couldn’t call this film formulaic, perhaps unworthy of all the bombast it’s applying to itself but worthy of notice the way a burning car is, or how Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern are seemingly in awe of that giant pile of shit in Jurassic Park. As dubious as literally every aspect of this film is, the sheer magnitude of its awfulness is compelling in such a way that I became anticipatory of the film’s eventual Rifftrax takedown as I was watching it. I don’t know how soon into it this idea started, but once Amy Adams dived in to get that spear I could already hear the befuddled joke about Lois Lane: Plot Psychic that Kevin Murphy would probably hurl at the screen, and it made this mess a little bit better.

All things being honest, I am absolutely going to see Justice League with my boyfriend, though I wonder how much more excited he is than I am. I loathed Suicide Squad but thought it was so poorly edited I stopped caring and would up having something of an okay time, appreciating Margot Robbie trying to find a character in Harley Quinn and relishing that Viola Davis actively seemed to want to be there a little as I did. Of course I’ve seen Wonder Woman, a step above most recent DC efforts in that it’s compelling, competently told and emotionally resonant, though it really shows Gadot isn’t much of an actress. There’s a lot about it I questioned in the moment but I am so, so appreciative of Wonder Woman as a film that exists, and one I mostly enjoyed seeing even as I actively wished for a better version of the film while I was watching it. Maybe I should just not see these given how much I end up railing against these projects, but I love watching movies with my guy (who I also love) and they are great conversation fodder. Plus, we watch lots of better movies together! Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was the first of many, many delightful date night movies, and we weren’t even dating yet! My guy was easily the best part of the film, though it’d be a discredit to it say that it wasn’t a memorable experience, future boyfriend or no. I truly hope I never see it again, at least not sober, but I got a great story out of it, and a great man too, which is more than a lot of movies have ever given me. And at the end of the day, it’s that the biggest reward a person could get? It’s not like this makes Batman v Superman anything more than a gray, ugly, violent, gross, despicable, unpleasant, misogynistic, time-wasting, utterly horrendous, steaming pile of shit. But hey, it counts for something.