#dani and her boyfriend in the bear suit

[cowboycannibalism]

just want someone who's going to dress up as horror couples with me for Halloween 🥺👉🏼👈🏼

[vampiricegirl]

just rewatched midsommar and gotta say... anyone who says this is a "good for her" movie totally misread the movie and i wanna talk about my rewatch and some things ive noticed

movie spoilers under cut and trigger warnings for SA talk, suicide and violence

upon rewatch i found that i was drawn to pelle so much more. his mannerisms, subtle nods towards dani, looking at only dani in a room of other people. even in shots where he is a background character, his eyes are on dani. he is smiling at dani. he is happy for dani when she integrates and its fairly obvious to me, she was his goal all along. i genuinely think he orchestrated her parents / sisters death for his own gain. everything from the subtleness of the sisters positioning to the actual method of suicide. shes found laying on the ground limp with her eyes open and dazed. with a tube DUCT TAPED TO HER HEAD. imagine trying to duct tape a tube of exhaust to your head? now imagine trying to do it with only a few seconds of oxygen? and the way shes laying in front of the computer with Dani's chat box open seems Oddly Convenient. it almost looks like she was surprised, turned around and was drugged with something. something that would leave her eyes open... similar to christian in the bear suit at the end of the movie. it just fits so perfectly and allows pelle to "relate" to dani and create an opening of trauma to insert this feeling of belonging in someone who clearly lacked it even before her parents and sister died. dani is a victim and so is christian. yeah, was he winning the boyfriend of the year award? NO. but was he consistently trying to make up for his failures and do (somewhat) right by dani? yes. he came over and held her when her family died. he was constantly asking her if she was comfortable. he was aware of her limitations and tried to accommodate for them as best he could. when he forgot her birthday he tried to do something to make up for it. he was cold to her at times, and clearly felt burdened. which is shitty. but he knew to a degree how shitty that was and was trying to do right by her anyways. do i think this couple should have broken up? yeah. do i think she should have blamed him for being sexually assaulted and had him sewn into a bear suit to be ritualistically burned alive? no. midsommar is a great fucking movie. it shows how easily trauma is taken advantage of. how easily people with trauma are manipulated. how easy it is to fall into a cycle and victimize others because you yourself were victimized. but it is NOT a "good for her" movie.

[mebiselfandi]

People who think Midsommar is a ‘good for her’ movie go to show just how excellently executed the concept of cults and spiritual abuse was done in the movie.

SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE

The movie is meant to placate you till the absurd seems reasonable. By the end a lot of audience viewers forget that Dani has in fact been indoctrinated into a cult that she had no intention of joining(and I think we can all agree cults are bad, to put it lightly).

I think the reason why so many people think it’s a good for her movie is because by the end her boyfriend(Christian) dies and truly by all accounts he was a terrible borderline abusive boyfriend. But people also block out the fact that he was not only drugged but r*ped by one of the girls in the cult after she assaulted him by spiking his drink with her pubes and period blood. However Ari Aster and the scriptwriters are geniuses and by that time majority of the audience is caught up in the euphoria of Dani getting ‘everything she wanted’. This is not the case.

Dani’s has a new family, her ‘evil’ boyfriend is getting his just desserts and she’s being crowned mayflower queen. She has a community that loves her and she’s surrounded by people who grieve with her when she catches her boyfriend ‘cheating’ on her. So when Christian gets burned in the bear suit it’s a sort of dark justice moment but we are also being lulled into a cultist mentality. That only they can love you and protect you from the evil of the world. This is easily corruptible as can be seen manifesting within the movie as the rituals, assault and violent acts of murder which are sometimes seen as gifts from god.

The story is largely told not from Dani’s viewpoint but from a sort of spectators view. We know things Dani doesn’t. Such as the murders and Christian not being a willing accomplice in the cheating. However despite us knowing these facts beforehand we still have a lot of people cheering on for Dani by the end even though her friends were murdered possibly even her family too and her identity has been stolen and regurgitated back into her as part of a cult hive mind.

We as the audience have already accepted the fact that this is a cult and so we are given the same brainwashing as someone like Dani who does not know this is a cult in a different form. We know by the end everyone will be dead so when we realize Dani is not going to die and she’s in fact the ‘chosen one’ we are happy for her because she survived. This blocks out the fact that she’s now part of a cult from the audiences mind. However to Dani, these people aren’t evil just ‘traditional’. They’ve been nothing but kind to her and she has few reasons not to trust them. However this is also of their doing because they have spent the entirety of the movie sewing seeds of destruction within the visiting group of friends, preying upon their weaknesses and breeding suspicion and a lack of trust. By the end all the positives that were missing in her friend group (trust, companionship, loyalty, devotion,etc)are found within the cult and they are magically forgiven because they ‘love’ Dani. But the love a wolf has for a lamb is not love at all.

Anyway, everyone sucked in their own ways in the movie and the movie does a wonderful job of turning the mirror back at the viewer and showing them how easy it is to be drawn in by a false sense of security and understanding even if the problem makers are the ones comforting you.

[silver-bunny6958]

Day 21: hollow

Danny told her that he didn’t hate her for it, but she always felt guilty. After a while her guilt turned into this hollow feeling as Danny’s grades declined, and his dreams were squashed right before his eyes. She did everything just shy of doing his homework for him to help, and while things got better during sophomore year, it wasn’t enough.

Sam watched one of her two best friends fall into misery as the hollow feeling deepened. After she graduated college she started to make connections with the other elites of the world, one Bruce Wayne- a man about her age at the time (25-26) who had a rather powerful company and a sense of justice she’d only seen in Danny- was her ticket to making it up to Danny, Sam was sure of it.

And a year after meeting the man and moving to Gotham at the behest of her aging parents. She found the opportunity to introduce Danny and Bruce.

It was a beautiful day, Bruce had just adopted a boy named Dick Grayson after the Hayley tragedy four months ago, Danny had made Vlad finally give up on the whole son thing and settled on naming him his scusser and leaving him alone after a cloning attempt that landed Danny with a seven year old child that looked like a mix of Danny and his current boyfriend (a dark skinned kindly man), and Sam had invited to two budding families over for lunch.

The first to arrive was Danny and Benn, with their pair of young ones a now 14 year old Ellie, Dani changed her nickname a few years ago, and 7 year old Jamey, the family of four arrived through the back garden- a permanent portal courtesy of Jazz, who learned the magic side of things later in life, sat in the backyard for Danny to come and visit as he pleases- and Sam was happy to see them.

“Auntie Sam! It feels like it’s been foreeevvvveeerrr!!!” Ellie was the one to start the hellos as she ran to hug sam.

“Hi to you to Ellie.” Sam gladly took the hug and turned to Jamey, “Nice to see you again Jamey.” She bent over and held her hand out for a high five which Jamey shyly gave.

“Hi Sam.” Danny smiled opening his arms wide to give Sam a gentle bear hug- he’d taken on his fathers frame as he gained muscle mass and had a few inches over the old guy, he also grew a beard, which, with him and the rest of his family wearing flannel, definitely fed into the friendly lumber jack look.

Sam turned to Ben and smiled, “Hi Ben, how's dad life treating you?”

“It’s alright,” he turned his eyes to watch Ellie and Jamey play around in the garden with Danny and smiled softly, “honestly feel lucky I found Danny- he’s such a caring guy.”

“Yeah,” Sam softly sighed before continuing, “ welp let’s go inside, there’ll be more people arriving soon that I want Danny and y’all to meet.”

“You go ahead, I’ll round them up before they get dirty.”

“Thanks.” Sam smile and left the back garden through the house to the ground door, where. right on time, the doorbell rang.

She got the door to see Alfred first.

“Good day, Alfred, how’s life treating you?”

“Very well, miss, the manor has been quite lively with the new addition.”

“I’d bet. He seemed rambunctious when I met him.” Sam watched as Alfred turned to the side and Bruce approached with a curious but cautious Dick close behind.

“Good to see you, Sam!” A warm Hello from Bruce and a second soft bear hug of the day and he turned toward the nine year old, “you remember Sam, right chum?”

Dick hesitantly nodded and Sam ushered the three of them inside. As they walked down the entry hall toward the living room they talked.

“So, Sam, you said you had invited a friend of yours I just had to meet, wouldn’t happen to be the untapped genius type like your other friend Tucker?” Bruce gestured lightly with his hands as he talked and walked.

“Well, he’s like Tuck in the sense of how I know him and that he’s my best friend, but he has a day job that suits him quite well already. So, to you? No. But!” She raised her right hand and pointed up to signal her point, “I think you and him will get along great, though I have already talked about you with him before. So he might know more about you then you know of him.”

Bruce chuckled, as if to doubt her words while the four of them entered the living room. Where one of the loveseats was taken up by Danny and his boyfriend while Ellie had gotten comfortable reading a book to her younger brother on the couch near their parents. Danny stood upon noticing them and approached with Ben not far behind.

“Danny, Ben, this is Bruce.” She gesture between them as she talked, “Bruce, this is Danny and his boyfriend Ben.”

The two started talking as she brought a tentative Dick over to Ellie and Jamey, “Dick this is Ellie and Jamey, Danny’s kids. Jamey, Ellie, this is Dick, Bruce’s son”

The adults got along great, well, Ben was a little awkward, but Bruce and Danny got along great. And the three kids quickly started to act like close siblings or cousins.

At the end of a good uneventful day, Sam sighed and smiled to herself with hope.

Maybe now the hollow feeling will go away soon.

[bestiesenpai]

what do u think the jjk characters would be for Halloween, I think gojo wouldnt buy a costume he would just wear a casual outfit with like demon horn headband or some shit but somehow get the most compliments from girls(and boys👀) even tho he has the most underwhelming costume at the party, we all know what his complimenters want tho🤞

Gojo: does what Karen smith in mean girls does and dresses very scandalously and tacks on a pair of cheap mouse ears

Getou: is the slutty cat to Gojo’s slutty mouse OR he’s dressed as a traditional vampire because he wants to flex on everyone and wear a suit

Yuta: why do I imagine him dressed as a mailman😭 or like a farmer

Itadori: he dresses as a ghostbuster and has a jar of marshmallow fluff he made himself

Megumi: bitch im a cow

Nobara: she’s Jessica rabbit but quickly gets flustered in the costume

Nanami: he said he’s not going to dress up but then why did he come dressed as guy fieri with a ‘mayor of flavortown’ name tag?

Choso: he would be a convict because life is a prison, plus he doesn’t get to wear orange often😂

Mahito: Dani from midsommar OR her boyfriend in the bear suit

Inumaki: hes dressed as the pope because his word is law

Maki&Mai: both unknowingly come dressed as kinda sexy/provocative policewomen or doctors and then get in a big fight about

Toji: he’s wearing tiny little underwear and some suspenders and calling himself a fireman

Todo: of course he’s dressed as his favorite idol!!

[bartholomewmacmillan]

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[martianarctic]

Midsommar Review

The way our world works these days, if somebody makes something, and then that thing makes money, they are strongly incentivized to try to do it again.

I am strongly biased against second projects. With a few exceptions, since the dawn of the internet, informational efficiency, and ease of consumption of media, these second projects are usually rushed, unworthy, too risky, too safe, typically fail to leverage the prior success in any useful way and just in general, are not usually good.

So, I went into Midsommar with low expectations, creating the conditions for one of my very favorite things: this obstacle being absolutely annihilated.

Everything that usually works against second projects worked in favor of Midsommar: The director truly showed up in terms of effort, pushing extremely hard to take a standard genre and build it into something he could relate to personally and in doing so creates a really unique and entirely original second project. He takes a premise that has been done- rural horror/exploitation- but builds it around an personal emotional event. The director & producers took bigger risks (ahhaha what do you even market this thing as? horror obviously, but as I will get into, it isn’t really a horror movie in the jump scary way- more of a texas chainsaw massacre type horror), but didn’t squander our attention or lean on prior success in any way. The director created a film with what I feel is an extremely clear and resonant emotional core, makes no compromises in presenting it, asks everything of the cast in being authentic on that presentation, and them responding to that call, lead by an incredible performance from English actor Florence Pugh. 

This was a central feature to Hereditary- this emotion- and its presentation by the cast- and it is again present in Midsommar and is the thing that keeps us on the edge of our seats. The opening scene of this film, roughly 20-30 minutes prior to opening credits- is going to go down I think as one of the best openings of the 2010s. Absolutely haunting, horrifying, and flawlessly executed in terms of filmmaking, it sets the emotional tone of the film with what you expect initially to be grief, partially because that was the central theme of Hereditary.

However, the protagonist Dani, moves on past her grief...pretty god damned well, if you ask me, but is marked by it... taking us to the true emotional core of the film, which is rejection. And I mean a specific kind of rejection- not when somebody refuses to go on a date with you. Not when you date somebody for a few dates and then that fails to turn into a relationship, but the one after that- rejection from the type of relationship many of us encountered as our first serious one, where we are brought together with our partner by the strong forces of young infatuation, and then are, perhaps 1-3 years after that, torn apart by the stronger force of reality and adulthood.

That is what the opening of the movie is- it’s reality. If you are with somebody long enough, eventually something very real is going to happen in their life, or your life. For me personally, in a prior relationship, it was my partner losing a parent. And you might be thinking, wow, that is a little too real- no wonder you connected with this film. And that is one of the things that you get from building yourself into your writing, as this director has in both of his features- is you get the opportunity to connect with people on a truly visceral level.

While rural people are chopping up city folk (blunt force trauma seems to be the murder method of choice amongst the Hagra) , the film keeps returning to some of the important touchstones of this emotion, which is also a process: isolation, panicked feelings of inadequacy, infidelity, new people, deep guilt, final acceptance, and then, moving on.

The film making is outstanding, if perhaps a bit too raw and unedited towards the second and third acts. The movie is beautiful, the score is even better than Hereditary, based strongly on romantic string style harmonics, think Ralph von Williams or Gustav Mahler. The beauty of the film as well as the comic relief provided by a great cast of university students and creepy swedish commune members forms a great counter-force to the ultimately very depressing emotional core of going through a breakup as somebody with extreme mental challenges. Dueling graduate anthropology students, people’s faces falling off, bear suits, funny drug trips (I counted 3 different entheogens used), keep you chuckling a little bit through the brutality.

These jokes not only provide needed comic relief, but also help underscore the indifference of modern life- something I’ll get back to at the very end.

Star Florence Pugh absolutely nails the depressed/anxious about-to-be-ex girlfriend, lovable, complicated, scary, establishing herself as my new favorite “Smart Scream Queen” in the tradition of Mary Elizabeth Winstead or Maika Monroe. The final act of the film is the final act of the breakup- the boyfriend is gone for good, and the new boyfriend is substantially worse- but one scene in particular, I have to talk about in greater detail, because it is one of the most powerful shots I’ve ever seen. The Hagra, the rural clan/cult in the film, have a habit of the group empathizing with an individual member with ... “vocalizations” and dance-like trance movements. If, say for example, a member of the clan were to jump off a cliff and not die instantly, instead writhing on the ground in pain,the community pantomimes writhing around in pain, showing that they, as a collective, feel their pain too.

^ Just kidding, this is not a still from the movie, actual Midsommar celebration.

What draws people into cults? What do people who join cults have in common? Pain. Isolation. Fear. Loneliness. Well, the worst cults manufacture their own misery and then provide the solution to that, which is being a member of the cult and sacrificing your life for it. The Hagra definitely do this to Dani, so they are far from being virtuous, despite what comes next.

After manufacturing a climax of personal shame and fear and isolation and inadequacy in Dani, they come together to heal her pain. As Dani collapses and cries in the throes of a severe anxiety attack, rather than stand with crossed arms or disgust or calling the police or the crazy wagon, as people normally do in such a position-

They join her. The young women of the cult get on their knees, cry, gasp, sob- and put her hands on her, and as this happens, she looks up and sees that she is not alone. In their quest to imitate her, they lift her up and bring her into the community.

Ultimately, this establishes the cult as Dani’s rebound boyfriend yes, but it also connects the concept of a rural murder cult, which is pretty standard horror fare, with the emotional core of the film (rejection), and also gives us a pretty good idea of why the rural murder cults exist in the first place, which is as a reaction to the cold impersonality and rejection of modern mainstream human existence. Human beings are not a product to be rejected. Human relationships are not something you acquire, use, and then throw away.

If nothing else, cults appreciate that fact. Everybody is important. Everybody’s pain and loneliness matters.

​

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

[daenyara]

spilled | danyara

pairing: Daenerys Targaryen x Yara Greyjoy (highschool AU); implied Sansaery

words: 1.5k

prompt: white party (day #27 of @ibwhellospring​ )

synopsis: Dany has an interesting encounter at a party.

a/n: I’m blaming @polar-biscuit​ and this absolute work of art

Missandei’s eyes lit up with excitement as she grabbed her best friend by the hand, trying to convince her to get away from her laptop. “We should go! Oh, it’s gonna be so much fun, and everyone’s going to be there.”

Daenerys pursed her lips, trying not to sigh. She didn’t want to let Missandei down, but still, the last things she needed right now was a distraction. Not with all those college interviews coming up. 

“I don’t know... I still have a lot to do, and-” she tried to reason, but she was immediately cut off by her friend. 

“Aw, come on!” Missandei stared at her with pouty lips, and Daenerys cursed to herself, knowing that nothing she could say or do was going to be enough against those dark puppy eyes. “Dany, you’re my best friend. I hate seeing you like this. You’re exhausted and you haven’t left your room in two days,” lamented Missandei, and behind her pleading, Dany could see that she looked quite concerned.

She wasn’t lying, of course. All the extra assignments she was working on had kept Danerys pretty busy, those last few days. But she couldn’t give up, not now that she was so close to realizing her dreams, or her ‘vision’, as she liked to call it. Dreams were for children, after all. What she had was a plan to make the world a better place, and to do that she had to be perfect. It didn’t matter to her that she had to sacrifice a party or a comfortable good night sleep, she knew it was all gonna pay off, in the end. The hard part was explaining it to everyone else, especially her friends.

Dany took a deep breath. “I need that interview to go well, Missandei. It’s Harvard we’re talking about! I don’t have the time to think about parties. I have a goal, I can’t just expect things to turn out well on their own.”

Missandei’s expression melted into an encouraging smile. “And you’ve been working hard since forever to achieve those goals. You deserve some time to enjoy yourself, don’t you think?” She could see the hesitation in Dany’s eyes, so she gave her a little smirk. “It’s just one party, not the end of the world. Tomorrow you’ll go back to being a wonderful warrior queen.”

Daenerys finally let out a laugh, her silver hair fluttering as she threw her head back. “Maybe you’re right,” she admitted, right before glancing at the glass vivarium on her desk, where three full-grown crocodile skinks were sleeping peacefully. One of them – the biggest one, with black and red scales – cracked one eye open and stared back at her with interest. Dany smiled. “I earned a bit of freedom, didn’t I?”

The lizard chirped, on cue. Missandei clasped her hands together, giggling.

“See? Even Drogon agrees.”

“Fine, then. But if the party isn’t as amazing as you promised...” began Dany, pointing a threatening finger at her friend.

Missandei nodded eagerly, before concluding the sentence for her, “...We’ll leave and you will go back to your flashcards and college brochures.” With that she jumped on her feet and grabbed the purple box she had brought, handling it to Daenerys. “Here.”

“What’s this?” asked Dany, eyeing both her friend and the box in suspicion.

“I took the liberty to pick an outfit for you.” Missandei flashed an innocent grin at Dany. “Didn’t I mention it? There’s a pretty strict dress-code... We’re going to a white party!”

*****

Dany huffed, smoothing the creases of the fabric with a nervous motion. She had to admit it, Missandei’s fashion eye had been impeccable as always. The dress she had chosen for her was simply perfect. Elegant with a bold twist, but still it didn’t make it seem like she was overdressed. And most importantly, it was of the same shade of pearly white as her hair. Somehow, wearing it made her feel powerful – and dangerous.

“They really went all out, huh?” she commented, raising an eyebrow while she gazed at the giant pool where people where sipping cheap bear with their clothes still on.

When there was no reply she turned with a frown, just in time to see Missandei’s eyes falling to the ground, blushing. Following her gaze, Dany saw a cute guy with dark eyes and a brooding expression that seem to melt away every time he glanced in their direction.

“Missandei?” called Dany, a mischievous grin spreading across her face.

Her friend quickly raised her head, looking startled. “Y– yes?”

“You should go talk to him.”

“Talk to- Who?” marvelled Missandei, but when she saw the glint in Dany’s eyes she realized there was no point in hiding it. She exhaled, suddenly sad. “If he wanted to talk to me he would’ve done it by now.”

She didn’t even know the boy’s name. She had heard his friends calling him ‘Grey Worm’, though she wasn’t sure how he got to deserve such a nickname. All she knew was that she frequently caught him glancing at her from a distance whenever they were in the same room, quickly averting his gaze as soon she noticed. They had two classes together and he still hadn’t talked to her.

“Excuse me? Have you seen the way he looks at you? In my book, that usually means he’s interested,” chuckled Dany, knowingly. She had her share of romance and boyfriends, and although she hoped that Missandei would be luckier than her in that department, she sure could read that guy’s expression. “Trust me, boys are easy to read,” she sighed, almost with disdain.

Missandei chewed on her lip, pensive. “Isn’t it too forward if I make the first move?”

“Love rewards the bold ones,” shrugged Dany, before nudging her friend jokingly. “Go, or else I’ll push you into the pool and then he’ll have to save you.”

They both laughed. Missandei raised her hands in defeat. “Okay, alright, I’m doing it. But can I at least drink something before? ”

“Let’s go find you some liquid courage, my friend,” said Dany in a mock pompous voice, as she locked her arm with her friend’s.

They had just grabbed two cups of kombucha and were heading back to the pool, when someone suddenly collided with Daenerys, spilling a drink over her dress.

“Hey!” she shrieked in protest, scowling as she looked down at her ruined clothes.

“Fuck, sorry! I didn’t see you there,” she heard a voice saying, and she looked up with a furious frown.

“Well, then maybe you should watch where you’re go-”

Dany’s words died on her lips as she sized up the girl in front of her. 

She was way taller than her, towering over her petite figure, and her ocean blue eyes sparkled with mischief. Clearly, she wasn’t one to stress over dress code, and her black t-shirt stood out beautifully in the sea of white all around. She was pretty, maybe a couple of years older than Dany – even though she could’ve sworn she had never seen her at their school. Dany’s eyes ran down from the girl’s arm, hovering over her sleeve tattoo of what appeared to be a Kraken tearing a ship apart. There were some words written right below the creature, but Dany couldn’t make them out. 

Daenerys blushed, realizing she had been staring, and gazed up to the girl once again, who was checking her out appreciatively. She offered Dany a sheepish smile and a napkin.

“Here. Wouldn’t want you to ruin your pretty dress, would we?” she said in a velvety voice, and Dany couldn’t quite decide whether she was teasing her or not. Nevertheless, she grabbed the napkin and started drying her dress.

“Thank you.”

From the other side of the back yard, a guy called, “Yara, you coming or what? Robb just challenged me to a beer pong tournament, I need you on my team so we can wipe the floor with his ass.”

The guy, noticed Dany, looked a lot like Yara. They had the same cocky grin and eyes like salty water. Next to him stood a tall, pretty girl with auburn hair, who was glaring at Daenerys, and – sitting in her lap – a cute brunette with rosy cheeks and an amused smile.

“Coming,” yelled back Yara, her eyes never leaving Dany’s face. “Everything okay, princess?”

The pet name shook her out of her daze and she cleared her throat, her brows furrowed. “It’s Daenerys.”

“Heh. Princess suits you way better,” shrugged Yara with a wink, before turning on her heels to leave. “See you around, gorgeous,” she shouted, waving her hand.

“Oh. My. God!” hissed Missandei in excitement when they were out of earshot. She handed her drink to Dany. “Take it. You need it more than I do.”

Daenerys stood there in stunned silence, her eyes set where a moment before she had seen Yara’s back disappearing into the crowd.

[thadelightfulone]

What's A Valentine?

So, here is my submission for the With Love, From Wakanda Fic Fest hosted by @hoopshoney and @purple-apricots. This is definitely me trying something new, so I hope you all enjoy it. My prompt - “Can somebody escort the 30-year old having a temper tantrum out of the building?”

Running her hands down her dress, Danielle gave herself one last look in the mirror.  “Come on Dani girl; I know you ask why you do this year after year, but it is a small price to pay. We can do this and then go back to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.” Smoothing out her favorite long-sleeved empire waist high-lo dress in black that shows off her thick milk chocolate legs adorned in her light purple Maryjane 4-inch stilettos; she inhaled deeply calming her nerves. She finished the look off with her silver hoops and amethyst pendant. She hears a faint ringing sound and walks over to the comm by her bedroom door, “Yes.”

“Miss Danielle, he’s here.”

“Thank you, Sergio. I’ll be right down.” Walking over to her dresser Danielle picks up her clutch, double checking the contents and pops her lips in the mirror to blend her purple lipstick again. “One night, that’s it.”

—

He was rushing so that he was not caught in the LA traffic with everyone trying to make it to the fanciest of restaurants for their reservations. Grateful that he had the flowers delivered to his office before he left. It had been a long day of meetings, but he could not wait to see her.

Enjoying the view of passing trees, he didn’t realize how much he missed her, and he wanted her to know. It was time for him to stop hiding. He messed up years ago and knows he should have handled things differently. He is only hoping he isn’t too late.

He pulls up to her building and parks in the structure underneath. He grabs the flowers, removes his tie, and quickly glances at himself through the window. “Ok, it’s now or never. She needs to know that you are serious. Tonight is the night.” Approaching the concierge at the front desk, he notices a man overloaded with all things Valentine-related. “You need some help man?” Reaching for the stuffed bear that was about to fall out of the guy’s arms.

“Yeah, thanks, I appreciate it.” He lifts himself back up to his full height and sets the rest of the items on the counter. Pulling a small box out of his jacket pocket, and opening it quickly. “I just needed to make sure I had this on me.”

“She must be a lucky woman.” The stranger passed the bear over to him, and the other guy put it in front of the ridiculously huge bouquet of red and pink roses, and the box of candy on the counter. It looked like the bear was supposed to hold that. “Big night ahead?”

“Yeah, this is the night. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now, and I can’t think of anyone else I want to spend my life with, ya know?”

“That’s beautiful man. She must love Valentine’s Day with all you have here.”

“Oh, does she! That’s what makes her perfect for me.”

Nodding in response, he leans over and speaks with the concierge, “Could you call up to Danielle George’s apartment.” The gift-baring gentleman next to him stops what he is doing.

“Ahhhh, I would sir, but she is already on her way down to the lobby,” Sergio replies. Nodding, the stranger looks towards the elevator.

“So, you know Danielle?”

“Yeah, we grew up together in Oakland.”

Eyeing the flowers in the other man’s hands, black and purple roses wrapped in a silver ribbon. He continues to stare the man down as he takes in his slightly disheveled yet professional look, a black tailored suit, unbuttoned shirt, and expensive loafers. “You must be Erik.”

“Do I know you?” Erik asks, trying to think where he would know a guy stupid enough to carry all that shit instead of having it sent to his girl. He shakes his dreads pushing them off to one side of his head.

“No, but I know about you. Dani speaks of you often.” He straightens up and holds his hand out. “I’m Shaun, her boyfriend.”

Erik takes his hand and shakes it, “Nice to meet you.” They are similar in height and skin tone but not in build, although Erik had his military career to thank for filling him out. Erik cannot imagine how Dani ended up with a guy like this. Goofy is the only word he can use to describe the nigga in front of him.

Shaun is looking at the flowers in Erik’s hands again and rolls his eyes, “You know I have to ask. Why would a guy send his best friend black roses or dead flowers for Valentine’s Day? That just doesn’t seem appropriate or loving for that matter.”

Releasing a hearty laugh, “It’s a joke between friends. I have been doing it for a while now, so it’s automatic. If she asked me to, I would stop.”

“So, what brings you by this year instead of the usual delivery?”

“I’m in town on business and thought I would bring them to her in-person. It’s been a while since we’ve hung out.”

The elevator chimes letting them know that someone came down. Danielle steps out of the car looking to see Shaun with his big stupid grin and whatever lovey-dovey gifts he brought, but stops short when she sees him standing next to Erik. She hisses, “Shit, goddamnit!” Speaking so no one else can hear, “Deep breaths, Dani girl. It’s fine, everything is fine.” She smiles and waves at them. Counting to slow down her erratic heartbeat before she walks towards the waiting men.

Shaun steps back allowing Erik to greet her first. He walks forward to meet her halfway, holding the flowers up in front of his face to hide his smirk. She snatches the flowers from his hand and inhales their scent before speaking, “Mr. Stevens, and to what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?”

“Miss George, or is it Mrs. now?” Squinting her eyes at his statement, Erik continues, ”Well, I am in town and wanted to deliver them to you myself. Although, I was not expecting this.” His hand follows his eyes as he takes in her outfit from head to toe. “Guess, I got the flowers right this time,” he winks at her, flashing his gold canines.

Shaking her head, “I’m not…nope,” she walks over to Shaun with Erik on her heels. “Hey baby!” She pulls him in for a big hug and pecks his lips. “Is all this for me?” Her face drops, but she recovers quickly. “Thank you.” Turning back to Erik, she goes on, “Did you meet Erik?”

“Yes, I had the pleasure.” He pulls her close to him, wrapping his arm around her waist. She rolls her eyes but keeps the painted smile on her face as the two men silently standoff.

Erik shakes his head, “Dani girl, is there something I am missing?”

“E, don’t start, please. Can you just text me and we can plan lunch for another day before you leave?”

“D, it’s me. I won’t be mad but come on now, you dressed for a funeral to go out.”

“Really nigga? I am not doing this right now,” she huffs. “And definitely not with you.”

“Dani, relax sweetie.” He squeezes her waist. “Erik, I am not sure what you want from her, but we have plans for the evening,” Shaun eyes his inner jacket pocket returning his gaze to Erik, “And I need them to be perfect, ya know what I’m saying. So, just ease up, ok.”

“Yeah, I know, and that’s why I am doing this. Danielle, tell the truth because you look mad uncomfortable and I know it ain’t because of me.”

“What do you want me to say? You want me to tell him that I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY! Well, there it is…I said it, you happy now E?”

Shaun’s arm drops from her waist, “You what? That can’t be right because I think I would have known if the love of my life hated my favorite day of the year.”

Dani turns to look at him, placing her hand on his chest, “I’m sorry, but it’s true. I do not like this day at all. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

“How? Why? Who doesn’t enjoy being pampered with love on this day? Who hurt you?” Danielle looks down at her feet avoiding Shaun’s pleading eyes. “Dani, please. Look at me baby, tell me something.”

“Dani girl,” Erik starts.

Looking up at Erik, “No, you don’t get to call me that. You don’t get to come here making requests of anybody. I am happy, and here you come trying to ruin shit like this wasn’t already your damn fault anyway.”

“What? Danielle, you cannot be serious right now? I thought we were over that and had moved on.”

“Moved on, who moved on Erik? You?” Stepping away from the both of them, “You want to know who hurt me and why I hate this fucking day? Fine.”

Shaun looks over to Erik who shrugs at him while looking at Dani.

“Picture this, 15-year-old Danielle who had never been kissed or had any kind of relationship. Rumors flying around about who she may or may not like, but no one really knew. She decides that Valentine’s Day was the perfect day to reveal her crush because hey, who doesn’t want to find out someone is digging on them, ya know?” She shrugs stepping forward poking Erik in the chest and staring right at him. “And you know what he says to her? He looks her dead in the face and says that he isn’t feeling her like that and just wants to remain friends.”

“D,”

“No, you want me to tell the truth…be honest and shit, right? I am, so let me finish. I buried my feelings and didn’t tell anyone that I told him or what he said. I went back to just being his damn friend until I couldn’t.” Looking down and away, she looks over to Shaun. “The bastard didn’t even tell me that he got early acceptance to Annapolis and was gone three weeks later. Just dis-ap-fuckin-peared without a word, no goodbye, no letter, nothing. Until my first delivery of black and dead red roses after I graduated from college, only one person would know that this day was ruined for me. I knew then who it was and I let it be what it was because I still had my friend,” she shrugs. “But now, I have you, Shaun.”

Erik cringes seeing the tears that had started to blur her vision. 15 years later and the girl, now a grown ass woman, he left behind is still hurting over him. He rubs his hand through his dreads wondering if this was even a good idea anymore as he watched the two of them together.

Shaun steps forward to grab her hands in his own. “Baby, why didn’t you tell me? You know how much this day means to me.”

“Is this a sticking point for you? Seriously? I am the same woman you love.”

“It’s my mother’s birthday and my parent’s 50th anniversary. You knew today was important and you couldn’t just keep this in for one more damn day.” Shaun exclaimed while running his hand over his head.

“Muthafucker, I am down here and dressed the fuck up. I didn’t do this shit for me. I would rather be in my comfy sweats, eating ice cream and watching horror flicks.” Dani screams as she wipes at the tears that started running down her face.

Shaun continues, “Today! Tonight! All I wanted is one fucking day, and you couldn’t even give me that.”

Erik watches the bickering couple go back and forth about a stupid day. He looks over at Sergio who is just as confused by them. “Yo, can somebody escort the 30-year-old having a temper tantrum out of the building?”

“Which one?” Sergio snorts looking between the two animated people drawing attention from other residents. “This is a mess and in the middle of the lobby, too. It’s killing my vibe. It also sounds like something more than just today.”

Erik nods his head in agreement, “I. Got. Her. You just worry about his crybaby ass.”

“Yes sir.” He picks up the phone, “Grover, can you come to the lobby, please. We need a situation handled. Thank you.” Sergio replaces the receiver, offering Erik a piece of gum while they wait.

“And what was I supposed to think, you accepted all the gifts I ever gave you. You took them, but you hate what they represent. Make it make sense Danielle!” Soft whimpers come from her as she looks away. Shaun notices the death grip she has on Erik’s bouquet. “WAIT! You trash them as soon as you get them inside, don’t you? Fresh flowers that should last at least two weeks and I never see them again. But those fucking black roses or dead flowers are showcased on your mantel.” He steps back from Dani as the Security guard walks up.

“Is everything ok here?” Grover interjects, “I am going to have to ask the non-resident to leave the premises now.”

Shaun looks at Danielle who can barely keep her eyes on him and throws his hands up. “Yeah, no problem. I’m out.” She tries to grab his hand, but he pulls out of her grasp. “No, I just need time Dani. I can’t do this tonight. I gotta go anyways.” He turns and lets Grover lead him to the front door.

Bumping Dani’s shoulder, she is reminded that Erik is still there. “Asshole!” She says just loud enough for him to hear. Walking over to the countertop, “Sergio, if it isn’t a delivery person with my food, then do not bother calling me any more tonight. I have had enough excitement for the evening.” He nods silently at her. She turns back in time to see Shaun exit the building, “And throw all this shit away.” Running her hands along the counter, she shakes her head and briskly moves toward the elevator.

Erik grabs her arm before she pushes the call button. “Dani girl. Look at me.” She stops and slowly turns towards him. He freezes as her big brown bloodshot eyes look up at him. Inhaling deeply, he completes his train of thought, “Join me for dinner. You can’t let that outfit to go to waste.”

Pulling away from him, she wraps her arms around herself. “Are you asking me out? And on fucking Valentine’s Day?”

“Nah, I would never. But I’m saying you gotta eat, and I gotta eat. There is no reason that we have to eat alone since I am here.”

“E,” she drags out fumbling with his bouquet.

“Come on D. If you really want the ice cream and horror flicks; we can do that, too. But let me feed you a decent meal.”

She grabs his handkerchief out of his jacket pocket to dab at her eyes. “You know that I hate you right?”

Walking forward to link her arm with his offered one, Erik smiles down at her, giving her a peck on the cheek. “I know you do, Dani girl.”

“But you are right about this dress; I look too damn good. So, come on.”

Leading her through the lobby towards the front door, “Besides, we have a few things to discuss Best Friend.”

Can We Talk

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 100!

I just kept scrapping along. I had my new job, and my ear infection was starting to heal after weeks of self remedying with vinegar. I felt sick at the end of the night, in that weird off putting lighting they kept in the dish pit. I could hear the conversations of the hostesses up front – generally gossiping about one another in a negative fashion, or else talking about their boyfriends or their make up routine. And in the back I could hear the kitchen staff talking about going home – generally to their lonely apartments they were staying at if they were single, and their houses if they were married, like Levi. But all of them wanted to drink and play video games. In fact, I thought it was strange how resigned everyone was, like this was the best life would ever be for any of them.

I found it sort of twisted in funny in a sense. Granted, some of these guys had had brutal upbringings I would come to find, emancipation, homelessness, drunken abusive dad's who made my dad look like a father from a fifties sitcom  - but I had in all earnest worked so hard to come to a place where I was washing dishes in a full serve restaurant – something seemingly so humble, but something I felt grateful to have everyday, and furthermore, I often saw this as a breeding ground for my personal development and just the beginning of moving up in the world. This was not a dead end for me. I had to reteach myself (though some might argue I never properly understood), the art of communicating with strangers. I had lost fifty pounds. I was somehow still standing after my romantic and personal life had been devastated, my sanity was in question, my dog died, and it was starting to feel like friends and family didn't want me anymore. But even as I would sometimes get very distressed and down, I also could feel this sensation within me that I was strong and I was still standing even if no one understood that but me, and I was going to do big things with my life and live a full exciting life where I didn't deny myself anything.

And these kitchen men, most of them just a few years older then me, they were bored, drunk and empty. They were a generation of seemingly lost individuals. The more I looked around, at the guys in my age bracket in particular there was this hazy lost avoidant aspect to them all. They might avoid themselves and the world by nerding out on games or television, or they might drink excessively – or both, but they all seemed rather directionless, and when you stripped them from the futility of their ego and frustrations, they all seemed very lost and miserable and by the end of the night as we were all closing our shifts, in the undercurrent of laughter and jokes you could feel the sadness radiating and bouncing around the building. They all thought they needed to be dating a supermodel, but didn't need to put in the effort personally (nor did they think about the limited supply of super models). So instead of having girlfriends, most of them were alone, and when they did hook up with someone and it became a thing sort of, it was like they were afraid to be open and actually care about their girlfriend, and so they instead talked trash about them with their workmates. Some of them had kids they wouldn't bother to go and see, and wouldn't pay child support on behalf of until the state forced them. And they would whine about it – like some evil woman had forced them into servitude against their will. Some of these guys were in their fifties and still had notions that some teenage girl was going to ask them out on a date. And regardless of how crummy each of them were, I got the feeling that most of them were loyal to one another in a way they wouldn't be towards women, regardless of how nice they seemed.

It made me feel disappointed about men in general. They were all very nice to me. Sarah alerted me one morning that they were hitting on me. I honestly could not tell. I was so used to being teased from school, and my ego just sucked in any attention mindlessly – and I would smile and be friendly in return – not certain if I was being picked on, being innocently amiably conversed with or something else, it didn't cross my mind that there was any motive behind any of the guys' intent when they joked around with me. I guess I was the only girl back there so there was a primitive drive among them to be my favorite – at least with some of the more desperate fools. I was like the girl Smurf – the only viable and available girl in their general proximity. But clearly, I only liked Levi and only in this very defined outlying way, and since he wasn't an option I wasn't particularly interested in anyone. I felt this need to fall in love again. I think psychologically it needed to happen. I had to cover up the stained carpet of my previous and pathetic attempt of being in love with Zack to be covered up by some kind of new rug to hide my blemished ego – a new person. And honestly, there was no one. So I would go around and feel this strange sensation of falling in love at times, being giddy and sort of euphoric, but it was probably the upside of my mood swings and it was probably because I needed to get whisked away into something new as soon as possible.

I hated to admit it to myself too, but I couldn't really see myself with Levi, even in the alternative universe where he was single and liked me. I already knew that was not a thing. I was complex, and for me, part of love was painting an interesting tapestry of dialogue. Levi didn't do that kind of chit chat. There was something special about Levi, and I think he sensed stuff about his surroundings, but he wasn't very interested in being philosophical or playing mind games as a means of fun, and I knew myself well enough to know that I would challenge him and he wouldn't like it. I would want to change him and it would ruin the good things about him – if it even got that far. He was meant to have a family and a home with someone like Dani. He was meant to be a provider and a caregiver to either a traditional family unit, or else he was made to lead a group of hooligan men and bring out the best of the group towards victory. My path did not converge with his. I would look myself in the mirror, and I was not a homemaker. If anything, people might call me a possible homewrecker given my smitten feelings. I was meant to be alone in a way that a lot of people find difficult. I needed someone who understood me and my complexity and my playfulness enough to take care of me, but also was an equal I could bounce ideas off of and be taken seriously when I needed a colleague. So every time I found myself admiring him, I also felt incredibly silly. It was ill suited, like a flamingo falling for a rabbit  or a bear or something.

Allison meanwhile was spending a lot more time with Whitney and Josh. While I was at work she would now go out and visit Josh and Whitney at their parents' house. Allison would tell me about the drama – one part of the evening they would talk about Whitney's setbacks, and then turn on Josh, and then everyone would just dance and it was more or less this silly weird night where all manner of catharsis was reached with tears, and laughter and thought provoking ideas. Generally speaking, I found myself somewhat jealous that I was closing the dish pit while most of these fun nights took place. I was always invited, but my work schedule wasn't working well with their days off so I would just have to feel jealous for a little bit longer.

I rarely went out with Sarah and Zack anymore. Sarah seemed to think I still had feelings for Zack, and to her credit I might have pretended I did. I don't know why. They were too boring. I thought their relationship was depressing. The best it ever got with them was being on the brink of falling asleep. It seemed strange to me that the best part of the relationship was when the two closed their eyes and stopped really connecting to each other. But of course I could have seen this coming had I not painted Zack into some demigod that I had once believed him to be. I do remember one very absurd even though that I still feel extremely uneasy about. Sarah, Zack and I were driving to the store, probably to pick up a few groceries. It was a short trip that I chose to accompany them in. Maybe I was getting picked up from work – who knows. I was looking into the sky, it was later on in the evening when everything takes on an orange glow but it's not dark yet, and the clouds above us began to cluster together in this very distinct way. It was like they were moving together, and before I could even believe my eyes, the clouds had written the word LOVE in the sky. I pointed it out to Sarah as fast as I could so that I didn't feel entirely crazy, and she saw it too. So did Zack, who of course decided it was God's will.

It didn't stay that way very long, but for a moment it was so unmistakably clear and baffling. It hadn't been written by an airplane or anything either. The clouds had temporarily formed the words. I suppose in the history of cloud formations on our planet, words have been spelled – but how often, and how often does it show up that clearly? I won't even venture into the territory of their having been an author. I really don't have words to say about the reason why I saw this happen, only that I did. It didn't last much longer. As we continued driving I turned my back and watched with dismay as the words melted away. I can't say I got much from the statement itself. It gave me this really warm feeling, but the concept of love was relative and I wasn't about to drop my guard and take it as some meaning that I was to lay my life out for Zack and Sarah – like Zack would have me believe. Love is the best thing in the world, and I do live for it, but love comes from, and manifests itself in so many different ways for different people, places, ideas, times and activities. Maybe I was meant to love myself? Or maybe if lets venture into the territory of saying that it was created by the universe with intent, perhaps there was some other happy couple who had seen it, and us three fools in the car had just lucked out and had been at the right place at the right time. It's hard saying.

Eventually I did end up going to some of these parties with Josh and Whitney. I remember showing up before Josh and Whitney did, and meeting Josh's mother Theresa, for the first time – at least one on one. When Theresa was sober, she was very quiet, and was looking relatively young considering the life of drinking and sadness she had undergone. It was just Sarah, Allison and I at the table and at first we politely chatted. Theresa began drinking beer, and soon she was weeping and telling us her life story and about how Josh was her little baby. She began crying on me, and begging me to date her son. She was desperate for him to have grandchildren for her. She said I was beautiful, and only I could make Josh happy. Then she seemed to forget she had said that to me, and she went to Allison (who was mind you, fifteen), and begging her to date Josh, who was going on thirty. Then she went to Sarah. Theresa was a desperate sort. There was no easy way to explain her level of ridiculousness. Because then she started talking about how she was watching the history channel and the show was on alien abductions and she believes aliens abducted her because she was watching the show later that night. Then she put on The Church's 'Under the Milky Way' and slow dancing and crying about mysterious sensitivities she felt within herself. Of course, it goes without saying that absolutely nobody took Theresa seriously. She didn't seem to notice, but if she did she only saw it as a dramatic element to cry about for a moment before moving onto the next thing.

Sarah and I had done some talking. Things had changed for us so much, and at least for myself in particular, I really wanted to get to know people. I didn't like just having casual back and forth with people. I felt like, between Sarah and I we could sort of interview the people we met in life, people at work, people at the party, and we could ask revealing questions and get people to tell us their life story. We called  our project, Project Life Story. It didn't end up going to far, but we ended up asking Josh his life story one night as our first person. I don't know where we were going with this exactly. It seemed meaningful and fun, and that was something Sarah and I have going on very much anymore.

Josh seemed a little bit nervous that night. We were sitting around the table talking at the parent's house. Whitney was there but I believe she got bored and sat in her old bedroom. Josh was drinking a beer. It was strange because he could at time be super vulnerable and absurdly outgoing – but then at times he could come off as stuffy, eccentric and socially anxious. He seemed withdrawn and anxious, but he agreed to tell us his life story just the same after drinking a few beers.

Josh had been raised in Kendrick, same as me, only he was about eight or nine years older than me. He had gone to the same school that Sarah and I went to – knew most of the people my sisters hung around to some extent. He was born two months premature., was the eldest of four, and he was the only boy out of four siblings. When Josh was young, his family had owned a lot of farmland, and he had grown up believing for much of it that his destiny was out on a farm as a farmer. He had spent a lot of time alone in the fields in the rural parts of the hills growing up alone, contemplating life and reading more than most kids his age. I think on one hand he liked the secluded life out in the fields. On the other hand he wanted to have a different life that involved traveling the world. He had a friend for awhile who also lived in the hills, but his best friend had drown in an accident when he was seven, and other than that, Josh didn't have a lot of close friends – even as he was generally liked by most of his classmates and teachers.

Josh's mom and his father drank a lot and in the early part of Josh's life, they did a lot of drugs around him. Josh grew up listening to classic country music. His father was a serious, and violent, abusive man with drug issues. He also had this strange way of never working. What his father had figured out how to do, was to continuously trade smaller cheaper objects for more expensive objects. Everywhere Josh's father went, he asked people if they would barter their stuff to him – and this sort of kept him afloat. His uncles were very backwoods. When he misbehaved he would be tied upside down from a tree and shocked with a cattle prod until his father and uncles were satisfied that Josh had been thoroughly punished.

This struck me as cruel and sadistic, and it hurt to even think about such a small boy being abused, and when I told Josh this he shrugged it off nonchalant and humorously, claiming he could be hard to deal with when he was young and it made him tough. He remembered these things without much personal pain by memory association, and I thought that was strange, and sort of intriguing about him. He didn't react to his own abuse the way people typically do. He joked about it. He saw it from painful perspectives. He toyed with the concepts involved with the crimes committed.

Josh jumped out of a moving vehicle when he was four years old – because he was curious and prone to taking dangerous risks with his own life. He had to relearn how to communicate which took about a year. Eventually he picked it back up again and nobody could tell that there had ever been a problem. There is speculation of course, that the head injury might have effected him in some fashion that was permanent, but as to what that was it's hard to say.

His father  was particular for meth, and it wouldn't be uncommon for Josh to wake up in the dead of night to his father picking him up by the neck from dead sleep and being thrown in the bathroom with bleach demanding he bleach everything perfectly. As Josh told us this, I imagined a little Josh on his hands and knees scrubbing the floors while his sadistic father screamed at him. My father wasn't/hasn't been perfect to me, but I couldn't really imagine what that must have been like. To a boy no older than seven or eight. Mind you, Josh didn't tell me this part of the story, his mother did.

Not only this, but every pet Josh managed to get – namely cats but some dogs as well, every summer when Josh was sent to do work in his uncle's and grandfather's farm, Josh's father would take his rifle out and kill Josh's pets. It almost seemed like he was targeted by his father really. Like his family was trying to mold him into something. Still, Josh found ways to amuse himself. At a young age he took serious interest in karate. He read a lot of books regarding fighting technique and eastern philosophy at a very young age. By second or third grade he had taught himself to use DOS computer program. His teachers considered him a genius and when he was tested in high school, he had the IQ of 143. Him and his grandfather were very close while his grandfather was alive – so he enjoyed hanging out with him. All in all, I thought Josh sounded like a hyperactive, but thoughtful boy. And while a lot of Josh's early life was tarnished with abuse, Josh wasn't really defined by the abuse he went through – or at least he tried very hard not to let himself be (he rarely told anyone the stuff he told us that night), and I thought it was fascinating.

It was as though he developed some quality that had forced him to catapult over misery itself. Obviously, he hadn't truly escaped his childhood. To a degree nobody does. But all in all, to most people who had abused him, he became an empty husk that they beat on and the joke was on them – mentally Josh floated away into greatness that went unrealized to most people. There was something beautiful about that to me. And in that catapult over the moon he was made more aware of how hazy reality actually was – something I had become privy to in the recent years. Which, has always made me kind of wonder about some things related to childhood trauma and what we become aware of and sensitive to as adults. Clearly some trauma makes development in children shut down or become stunted. There can be no arguing this. But can certain kinds of trauma and anxiety actually open us up in some strange way? Because with Josh, and with myself I saw that to be kind of accurate. We had been sitting at the table for twenty minutes by this time, listening to Josh and asking the occasional question. I felt this really meaningful kinship with Josh. I didn't know what it meant, or how to

When Josh was nine, he was molested by one of his father's friends at gunpoint. Josh eventually admitted this to his parents. His father didn't believe Josh, and punished him for trying to get his buddy in trouble for no reason. His father saw it as Josh's attempt to ruin his marriage with Josh's mom. Josh maintained it was true, and eventually this lead to the final straw between his mother and father's relationship, as Josh's mother did believe Josh's story, though they managed to stay together for a few more years it seemed until it really hit home.

Josh was always a straight A student. Teachers loved him. In junior high he started the wrestling team, the chess team and the debate team. He was very ambitious and had a way of hanging out with a lot of different people, the jocks, the drama kids. He ended up having this weird situation happen which involved him falling in love with a girl who had babysat him growing up. I didn't understand this story the first time Josh' told me, so I asked him to explain it to me a second time, but he was drinking that day and the details were confusing. Essentially, this girl was a few years older than Josh and one of his creepy cousins/relative of some sort took this girl in as their girlfriend when she was a teenager, got her addicted to drugs, and then she ended up dying in a car accident due to this creepy relative. Josh was twelve at the time.

The second girl Josh ever was taken in by was none other than my eldest sister Maria. Maria is two years older than Josh, but the fact that she wouldn't do any of her schoolwork at all, the fact that she would tear up her papers in every class and smoke and sleep with whomever made her intriguing to Josh. So for about a year, he would follow her around. Maria laughed at him and never took him seriously. He was two years younger than her for one, small and geeky. He would tirelessly write her love letters and put them in her locker. He bought her stuff. He offered to go with her places. She went camping with him once, but nothing ever came of it. Eventually she quit school and he moved on. To me, it's strange and funny to think that this was all happening while I was five years old – clueless that any of this would ever be told to me in my early twenties. The fact that we were sitting at the table in this dimly lit house far away from that version of Kendrick we both grew up in, talking about these stories – something felt really odd about Josh in relation to me.

Josh ended up dating a girl named Tara from Roxanne's class, which was two classes lower than his. I knew her t be very preppy. She was also my first grade teacher's daughter. They connected because they were the only two atheists in the school and Josh staged a debate about the existence of god in her class. Josh had grown up being raised as a god fearing republican cowboy, but he had begun to question that pretty early on. He also had secretly been teaching himself to play guitar. His family would have flogged him had they known, but he had hid a very cheap guitar that someone at school had sold to him in an unused barn on his grandfather's property miles away from home. So when he wanted to practice, he walked out there and played secretly in the barn. Nobody ever taught him to tune the guitar, or what heat or cold could do to a guitar, or even how to play chords. So mostly he just tinkered around with it in secret for hours he could escape unnoticed and didn't really learn to play much until he was much older. Still, there was something very beautiful about the idea of that.

Josh's father became sort of sadistically certain that him and Josh were to be at odds. He felt there could only be one 'man' in the house so he made Josh sleep out in a camper. And then when Josh's dad and mom were fighting, Josh's dad ended up hitting Theresa, and Josh attacked his father, which ended up in Josh's dad leaving for good. I didn't get the details, I just know that it's what happened.

Around this time, Josh's uncle came up with this new idea about farming and rotating crops (something that is now used in certain situations, but I know nothing about since I don't really get into farming technique), and in order to make his idea work, he had to borrow money against the land itself with the bank. And that year ended up being one where there was too much rain or heat, I can't remember which, but Josh's uncle's idea didn't pan out and they ended up losing the land. So Josh wasn't going to be a farmer after all. They moved down to Kendrick for a time. Josh and Tara stayed together for two years in high school, and Josh had just graduated. His plans with Tara were for them to both become very educated. She wanted to teach English overseas, and Josh wanted to become a professor of psychology – and they were going to travel the world and lead an exciting life.

At this point in the story, Theresa drunkenly had joined the table to listen. She started chiming in that Tara's family had always looked down on Josh, that he had never been given a fair go. She started screaming and crying about it, as though Tara's family had broken Josh in some permanent way. In any case, Josh shrugged and argued that Tara's family had been very fair to him, and Tara had every reason to leave him when she did.

So Josh was nineteen and he started college. He had waited for Tara so they could both go to college together and pursue their dreams. But it didn't work out. Josh started at the University of Idaho, and while he was there, he didn't feel smart anymore. He felt average at best, and socially anxious. Even as a lower end genius as he was, he felt outclassed and outshined by a lot of the students. He expected a lot from himself – probably that he would be one of the greatest students there. And something in him was starting to break. The things in life that had kept him sane were starting to disappear from him. So he quit college, and then tried again another semester but the psychological issues were only getting worse. This time, in his Psyche 101 class, he wrote his professor a personal letter in with his assignment and asked for advice. I don't know the details of what his professor told him, but it was very insightful to Josh. But it didn't stop Josh's breakdown.

Meanwhile, Tara was doing very well in school. And Josh felt like he was lagging behind and wouldn't be able to meet the goals that they had agreed to in creating a life together. I guess it comes down to a certain sense of yourself in the world. When you are stripped of a self esteem at an early age, left to your own devices you fall apart. Rebuilding something that resembles what a normal person with an okay upbringing has takes years. Tara came from a good home. She was confident and certain about what she wanted in life. Josh was not confident, and was become increasingly more and more uncertain about everything.

After trying for a third time to make college work, Josh randomly left Tara, and didn't contact her for four months. He freely admitted it was a cruel and shitty move on his part. He went back to Kendrick. He found people he had loosely known in Kendrick who did drugs,and he started to do meth with them. Whenever Tara tried to find him, he ducked out. Eventually he came back to her and they tried to make it work. He suddenly became obsessed with trying to get back on track and get back to her. He walked twenty miles in a snow storm to knock on her door to give her a love letter. There was an element of intensity to Josh, and I imagine it was hard for her to turn him away after he had done something that reckless on her behalf. He attempted to go to university one more time. But things weren't the same. He was high all the time, and a bunch of different women who he knew from partying all had interest in him. At a drunken party, Tara dumped him, and he hooked up with this other girl at the same party. Later on, Tara begged his forgiveness, and he got back together with her. He woke up the next morning and he had peed himself and it had gotten all over her. He decided to leave her for good this time. It had gotten too gross and too messed up at that point.

He decided the next week in one fleeting moment to go back to Tara. He explained he was sitting in the grass, looking at world, and suddenly he had this strange sense that everything had altered. His personality had altered. Something wasn't right – and he had to get back to Tara, as she was probably the only stabilizing force in his life. Josh explained it as a paradigm shift. He explained this in much greater detail than I am now. It took him about four or five hours of talking to tell us his story mind you – and what I convey is a very condensed version. I also fail to bring in his wit or sense of humor – something my writing skill isn't all that equipped to do. Josh is devilishly sarcastic. Even people who don't like him have difficulties not being entertained by him. But what really struck me as odd was just how much of what Josh talked about that felt like he was explaining the symptoms of my own life to me. Granted, Josh and I were very different in many ways – I probably wouldn't have started the chess club or started using meth per say. But certain things had started to link up – certain facets, micro elements to his story that felt weirdly like he was reading my mind. That crazy stuff I had been feeling that winter? He knew what that was like. And all the strange connections we had to things and places and ideas. I wondered distantly if I had always been on his trail, and hadn't known it. That maybe in some strange way, I was years behind him but had never been quite as alone as I had thought in my experiences.

So Josh, in this frantic realization ran back to where he and Tara had been staying. He came into the house, and she was with someone else. She had been cheating on Josh with this other guy. Josh ran away from the house and it was officially over between them. Tara went on to marry the guy she had been cheating on Josh with, and together they did end up traveling the world and teaching underprivileged children English and being this major power couple that Josh had failed to live up to.

Josh meanwhile dropped out of college for the final time. He went back to using meth. His personality changed. And he spent years living this way. He lived with his mother when he could, but they didn't get along well. Theresa slept with a lot of Josh's friends during this time, and it became a gross hangout because Theresa was so easy to sleep with. And she was miserable. She talked about killing herself all the time. This was what Melissa in my class was most likely having to deal with all the time. Josh was homeless much of the time. Melissa – who is Josh's youngest sister, idolized him. His other two sisters got married and went on to lead very normal lives, but Melissa and Josh were somewhat alike in personality.

Josh had some extremely odd and disturbing experiences during this time. There is rumors in Kendrick, or at least there were about twenty years ago, that some racist Nazi guy who had killed some black people in a church in Texas during the sixties or seventies and had gotten away was living in the woods around Kendrick, that he had family who had let him survive on their land, and the government suspected he was there but didn't care to catch him for whatever reason. Well, Josh lived in a cabin that was on this same land with one of his drug buddies who was related to the family. They would just stay there and play video games for hours on end. They saw signs that this creepy racist guy was living out there, but they never looked into it.

One night, Josh and his friend were in the cabin, when they heard gunshots. They were high and paranoid, but they decided to go investigate. They listened and they heard and saw what looked like a guy named Cody who went to school with Josh and my sister Maria driving away. And then a few days later it came to light that a boy they went to school with had disappeared. He had been extremely stupid. Josh and his buddy never told anyone what they had seen, and Cody moved to California for a few years before returning. Here is what happened. Cody had been attempting to be a drug pusher for some big guys from Spokane. He had given this dumb kid ten thousand dollars worth of drugs to sell, and this dumb kid had decided to take all the drugs himself. Cody risked being injured or killed if he didn't take action, so he killed this poor fool instead, and then fled to California. A lot of people in Kendrick knew what had happened – word did get out. But there was no direct evidence and a body was never found. Josh and his pal did hunt for the body out in those woods. They could smell it, but they could never find it.

I think it was weird that Josh didn't turn it in. I guess there is a good chance the cops would have botched it anyway. As it was, nobody seemed to care this teenage boy went missing. His family didn't care. The town didn't care. It reminded me of the movie 'River's Edge' sort of, only there wasn't a body. I asked Roxanne about this guy's disappearance years later. She was even friends with this person, but as soon as he went missing and nobody immediately found him, there wasn't any more talk about him. It's like he never existed. And it freaks me out, not only the reminder of how fragile our existences are, but how narrow minded humans can be. There is a strange cruelty to it. And I guess it happened around the same time that Chuck Palahniuk's dad got murdered in the same area, in an entirely unrelated set of circumstances, and what my bus driver in elementary school got in trouble for. There was a lot of murder in the 90's in Kendrick, and people forgot about most of it rather quickly – which, you would think they would be remembering this stuff for years considering how boring it is in Kendrick Idaho but no, they bury the real stuff – it becomes whispered legend and perhaps a few people retain a memory about it, but most people pretend it never happened.

Josh from there ended up moving in with this chemist in a small town called Troy that is in between Kendrick and Moscow. Josh and this other friend of his lied and claimed they knew more about science than they did – though Josh did know enough from his own curious endeavors and reading to trick this guy. The guy let them both live there for free in exchange for them helping him set up a laboratory, which never ended up happening. Josh and his friend did meth all day of course, and this guy more or less just wanted company I think. But after awhile, this man ended up being very creepy. He started revealing more and more to Josh and his friend about his interests. Eventually, it became apparent what this guy was into. On the black market, there are women in impoverished and hopeless situations, younger women generally – and men I assume as well, who end up being either diagnosed with a terminal illness, or their circumstances are so dire and hopeless they don't care if they live or die. And they sell themselves to be tortured to death for snuff films which rich and disturbed individuals buy on the black market, and sometimes they sell up their flesh to be eaten, or their bodies to be used as decorative art photographs. In any case, this guy was into that. He was into the photography, but he spent a wild amount of money to have these nudes taken of dead women who had terminal illnesses and had given their lives up for a little money to give to their family after their death.

Josh suspected this guy was into buying human flesh from these same women as well. He was particular about these steaks that he insisted Josh and his buddy try. They ate with him a few times, not realizing the implications or knowing anything. But eventually they caught on. There were certain key things that were said in conversation that made it all seem real. This guy was sexually gratified by buying nude pictures of these women and then eating parts of them. So Josh and his friend left one night without explanation. I asked Josh why he didn't turn this guy in or say something to authorities. Josh shrugged. He was high. He was definitely bothered, but it was hard to truly care about anything but the next fix. Plus, small town cops wouldn't have believed him.

Josh ended up living in a tent behind his mother's house. And this is where he met Whitney and Zack, through Melissa. And from there, after Whitney pursued him for a year and a half, he finally caved in and started dating her. And Zack was dating Melissa (and of course secretly messing some former preteen version of me's life up by telling her he loved her over one hundred times a day). Whitney cheated on Josh over thirty times in the course of their relationship, and had thirty proper boyfriends in between dating Josh. It was at times ambiguous if they were dating or not, and everyone around them questioned what 'stage' they were in. I think it was even more strange when their mom and dad decided to start dating and marry while their children were together. The whole family was really very strange. In a way, I had to say that they had a strangeness that made certain traits of my own family seem normal. And on top of this, it seemed reckless that Josh would put himself through dating Whitney through all this. Josh was obsessed with Whitney, it was an obsession I was sort of curious about.

As I was told, when Whitney and him had started dating,  he had been sleeping in his own bedroom and had been awoken with Whitney, hysterically crying in his doorway. It was alarming. She looked at him, and she said 'JOSH! I AM SICK IN THE HEAD! I WILLDO FUCKED UP HORRIBLE THINGS TO YOU! I WILL DESTROY YOU. BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME EVEN WHEN I DO THESE THINGS!! YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ME NO MATTER WHAT JOSHUA!! YOU HAVE TO PROMISE YOU WILL BE WITH ME FOREVER!' and Josh agreed to it. I guess it was alarming. Maybe Josh didn't see anything else in his life worth living for. In any case, he did everything in his power to maybe believe that there was a version of Whitney under the layers who was self aware and appreciated his resolution to stay by her side through thick and thin. For Josh I think it was like Eternal Sunshine For the Spotless Mind. But their relationship crippled the both of them – made them both manipulative. It made them dependent on strange and disturbing things that the other person possessed. Neither Josh nor Whitney had normal requirements in a relationship.

I heard more about the details of Josh and Whitney's relationship later on, but that was where the story mostly ended that night. Josh had gotten clean after three more years of on and off meth use. He eventually had nowhere to go – and couldn't hold a job for very long – but had quite a few over the course of a few years. He lost his mind after Whitney cheated on him yet again. He attempted to commit suicide, and was put into a mental institution for a month. All I was told at the time was that he was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. When he was released he hitchhiked to Lewiston. He was staying with Randy and his mom temporarily, trying to get his life on track – who had just gotten married, and he was watching this cable guy climb the poles and work outside. He went out and talked to this cable guy about the job. As it turned out, a cable man had just died in an accident, and there was an opening. Josh would have to pass a bunch of tests and classes, but he stood a good chance of getting the job. It was the kind of thing he could do very well at. So he set himself down and applied himself in a few weeks time and he got the job. He was a cableman. It gave him money, and the incentive to get an apartment, and clean up. He quit using drugs – only drinking on weekends, a family habit – and maybe smoking weed a few times a year if he felt he could get away with it. And all his old friends stopped hanging out with him.

And his relationship with Whitney hadn't been working anymore as it had. There had once been an unhealthy symbiosis in their unhealthy relationship. They splitting up and coming together didn't excite either one of them anymore. Josh was beginning to get to a point where he wanted something more real, and Whitney didn't feel like she possessed Josh like she had. She didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore, but they were both trying to convince themselves they were still playing this game with one another when it was clear that neither one of them even cared anymore. They had broken their own innocence and each other for cheap thrills and now what was left was what Sarah, Allison and I had all stumbled into. All because Zack had fulfilled 'the prophesy' of returning to my old home.

We had to get back. It was late by the time Josh finished his life story. On the way home, my heart hurt like it never had before. I felt understood in a way I hadn't realized I could be understood. I wanted to tell Josh at times that what he was saying linked up with my life in certain ways, but it would have seemed crazy to say anything. I felt like I understood Josh.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I felt comfortable calling him a friend just yet, but I had honestly never been so drawn in and felt so personally close to someone so intimately and so immediately before. It's like, there is a loneliness you get when you are very young, five or six. It comes from the realization of mortality and the ending of everything. I think a lot of children get it. You feel your aloneness in your own perceptions, in an indifferent universe. And suddenly, I felt this knowing sense that in some form I had not been quite so alone. I was sitting in the back seat as we drove back to Lewiston that night, and I started crying. And I didn't why.

PART 99 - https://tinyurl.com/y8afyex7

PART 98 - https://tinyurl.com/y7pjvn95

PART 97 - https://tinyurl.com/ybvlfusf

PART 96 - https://tinyurl.com/y8cm6pdy

PART 95 - https://tinyurl.com/ybxq2o5j

PART 94 - https://tinyurl.com/y8k7mwq4

PART 93 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8mae7e

PART 92 - https://tinyurl.com/yb7bwsuw

PART 91 - https://tinyurl.com/yar8e8rp

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-90 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

[sarahhsaritaa]

stills of fire pit bit.

the initial plan was to stop motion animate the daisy growing out of the pile of the flower bags’ burnt remains. but fires are unpredictable; the fire burnt the bag too quickly for me to film the beginning stages and it was too hot afterwards for me to go in and do the stop motion. even still, i like the outcome and how the daisy continues into and links the next scenes. 

the fire is another take on the idea of ‘twin flames’ and perhaps another side of the earlier candle scenes. here the fire is shown on its own; the twin flames have become one. the bags from the kiss have been burnt and the flame is acting as a fresh start. this is a trope commonly used in film to symbolise rebirth and purification. in Ari Aster’s ‘Midsommar’ (2019), the image of fire is powerful. it is one of my favourite scenes, i was left with my jaw on the floor as it played out. Dani (played by Florence Pugh) wins the title of ‘May Queen’ when she attends the midsommar festivals with her boyfriend and friends. the festivities turn sinister as sacrifices and cult related rituals take place. Dani witnesses her boyfriend Christian (played by Jack Reynor) having sex with another woman after she gets crowned the May Queen. it is grotesque and incredibly twisted. Dani then has to choose one person to join others in a sacrifice where they burn in a hut; she chooses Christian. he is paralysed, dressed in a skinned bear suit and is placed in the centre of the hut. Dani watches, mortified as the hut is set up in flames, her boyfriend the central piece. her face of horror transforms into an ominous smile. it’s as if this is what she has been waiting for; she is able to start a new life without her somewhat abusive boyfriend. the fire is consuming and overwhelming, so i tried to recreate these ideas on a smaller scale. the end shot is such a powerful scene and it really changes everything you thought about Dani up until that very point. i think i laughed when i watched it after i got over the sock of what was happening. it is a beautifully composed shot that i also tried to replicate in my end scene. millie and rosie are wearing the bags and it’s a close up shot. then they are shown without the bags, smiling with a yellow glow colour grade that serves as a reminder that this is the turning point of their relationship. the use of flowers in Dani’s May Queen crown and gown help to summarise her experiences. she is engulfed by the flowers, as she is with the cult she has found herself being a part of. the colours are vibrant, as they are in the whole film and roughly 10,000 silk flowers were used (designer. Andrea Flesch).