#depression fail on my part

[sysmedsaresexist]

Me: ask me what kind of dog I am

Them: o... kay? What kind of dog are you?

Me: DEPRESSO CANARIO

Them: do you mean... the presa canario?

Me: shit, why am I so bad at this

[bonefall]

Are you going to keep Goosefeather's curse? If so are you going to change anything about it? From my memory the book was... depressing.

It will probably get rolled into Pinestar's Crusade, building it up into an SE rather than just a novella. There's actually a lot going on in that specific moment, and it makes sense to go over it all at once.

So to answer your question, yes, most of Goosefeather's Curse is staying. Most of the Crusade Generation have depressing stories to tell. If the Thistle Period is defined by the fact that Thistle Law metastasized and went terminal, and if the Campaign Era was when it was newly born, then the Crusade Era was when it was first conceived.

I've been thinking about Pinestar's Crusade idly and mentioned it a few times, but here's my fragments so far;

PINESTAR'S CRUSADE (Fuses Pinestar's Choice and Goosefeather's Curse)

We start in the Crusade Era; there is now more focus on 3 major characters, though it's still built around Pinestar as the POV

Pinestar, Goosefeather, and eventually Pinepaw's apprentice Speckletail.

Pinepaw is born into the start of the Crusades, a bloody period where the Clans are invading Chelford and brutalizing cats in the hopes of appeasing StarClan. He only begins to learn the full story of what happened in Darkstar's Commandment once he begins going to Gatherings as a warrior

The truth being that Oakstar came up with this idea because he couldn't take an L

But even as an apprentice, it becomes quickly apparent to him that what they're doing is evil. They were brutalizing kittypets who aren't trained to fight back.

During his first raid as an apprentice, he allows a ginger-and-white mother and her kittens to escape

This came back years later, when that queen, Crystal, forms BloodClan in response to the Crusades.

Pineheart watches Oakstar die barely a year later to the queen he saved, using early claw extenders to cut right through him. Even if he hadn't been on his last life, it would have ended him.

But, Crystal lets Pineheart go, recognizing the Clan cat who had saved her life.

Watching his dad die along with several friends, and countless more innocent Chelford, plus being released by Crystal, is a Formative Moment.

Doestar continues the Crusades in the name of revenge for Oakstar, but now that BloodClan exists and is ARMED, the easy raids become bloodbaths.

They slowly peter out, not with a bang but with a whimper. She never announces an official end, eventually she just stops organizing them. No one gets closure, especially not Pineheart.

But the 'peace' doesn't last. Just before Heatherstar takes power from Smallstar and begins the Campaign to take the Mothermouth Moorland, ThunderClan deals with the Great Hunger

Pineheart and Goosefeather become very good friends, part of a little buddy group that also included Tawnyspots and Pheasantfeather (who will become One-eye later)

Pineheart was given his first apprentice, a rowdy little one and the niece of Doestar, Specklepaw. He's tasked with helping her fill the pawsteps of greatness she's destined to walk in.

Just like canon, Goose predicts the Great Hunger... though, he is an adult this time around because of some timeline changes.

And, like canon, it fails. They couldn't stockpile enough food to last an entire year of famine, a scorching summer and a frozen winter, they end up losing a huge stock of their food as if it was destiny.

Goosefeather was forced into a role he hates, given horrible visions of the future, and argues ferociously with Pineheart; if they hadn't tried to stockpile, they wouldn't have lost all that food to begin with.

It is in this moment, he comes to realize that every time he's fought back and used his visions like a warning, it's backfired.

So, perhaps, they are instruction.

But, meanwhile, Pineheart can't loose his apprentice or his friends. While others were hunting desperately, he was keeping cats alive through scouting for grubs, foraying into other territories, and...

Every bite of kittypet food he took for himself was a morsel in someone else's mouth. But this... this he kept quiet.

It started a "bad habit" he could never break.

Having lost the previous deputy to starvation and on her deathbed, Doestar nominates Pineheart to the position. He was shocked and upset by this, but he was the obvious choice.

Son of Oakstar, Hero of the Hunger, the cat who had kept Specklepaw alive when all the other kits and apprentices starved.

But, Pinestar took the helm to extreme controversy.

Everything Pinestar's ever done that worked was nonviolent. He's never seen battle do anything but bring harm, and the thought of leading people into war... it makes him feel sick.

But the rest of the Clan can't see what he sees. They yearn for the glory days (even though they were not glorious at all), itch to die for a cause, and leave this old, disgusting subsistence survival behind them. ThunderClan wants blood and Pinestar just wants peace.

Taking back Sunningrocks is an example of this. To avoid losing Clanmates, he proposed to Hailstar that they would have a Joust, instead.

ThunderClan's strongest against RiverClan's strongest. Adderfang vs Mudfur.

It didn't go well.

The problem with those sorts of situations is you have to abide by the deal. RiverClan took Sunningrocks for 6 months. It was humiliating for ThunderClan.

Even the cats he'd saved from the famine were furious with him

The only things that DID seem to please the Clan was when he would throw them fully into battle. Such as Goosefeather's prophecy that WindClan's herbs needed to be destroyed...

Every time a situation like that happened, where Goosefeather would phrase things as a Holy Struggle, Pinestar was thrown right back to the Crusades

Terrified eyes, screeching, cats begging for mercy, his father dead at his paws and feeling horror and relief swirling

Sitting vigil for old friends killed in these horrible fights, like Moonflower, it made him feel like how he felt the day he buried Oakstar.

And the bile rose in his throat, remembering that Oakstar was not there at his Leadership Ceremony, damned to the Dark Forest.

A thought was born, here. What does StarClan truly want? What do they expect of him? If they will send the architect of the Crusades there...

What of a cat who stayed fed on human food and fed grubs to his Clanmates? Or a leader who never knows the right thing to do?

When Mumblefoot retired and Sunfall became deputy, the Clan seemed to love him more than Pinestar. He found himself just... sitting back, and allowing Sunfall to call the shots.

It was towards the end, when Leopardfoot proposed an Honor Siring. He was from a glorious legacy, she wanted kits... and on his end, he wanted the peace that raising kittens could bring.

The warmth of human dens was calling him, but perhaps the warmth of love for children could keep him home.

UNLIKE CANON; Nothing about Tigerkit was born evil.

There was no StarClan vision of Tigerstar; Goosefeather knew full well that Thistlestar was the Leader of Prophecy.

But Pinestar would never give Thistleclaw an apprentice in time. Nor would he ever give his own little son to a cat as vicious as him.

Goosefeather never hurt anyone... but Pinestar just needed a push.

Pinestar was already anxious, unhappy, clinging to the goodness that was his little kits. Even as two of them were lost to minor illnesses, shortly after receiving their names.

It wasn't a lie. It was just half of the truth.

"Pinestar... you have a choice to make. StarClan has given me a vision of blood and war, and Tigerkit will have a role to play in it."

He DID have a vision... of Thistlestar. Not Tigerkit. But that was enough for Pinestar, his fear and trauma took the helm from there.

He'd seen his friends, his apprentice, the kits who had been born and died in his rule, all of them turn into the monsters Clan Culture demanded

Nothing he did ever seemed to work, why would THIS moment be different?

How could he prevent Tigerkit from becoming like that too?! Was StarClan telling him to KILL his son??

Pinestar's never had a vision from StarClan. He doesn't have the aptitude like a Cleric... what he has is a nightmare, of Tigerkit growing so large he crushes the whole camp under his claws

After a week of agony, Pinestar unknowingly creates a prophecy of his own,

"Can only the death of a child break fate?"

Sensing he was close to victory, Goosefeather dipped his head, not denying his question.

And it's the last straw.

And that is the climax of Pinestar's Crusade. Broken from his experiences, every turn taken for peace causing him more pain, the idea that he might have to hurt his own son plaguing his mind, he makes the choice to leave.

It wasn't hard, he'd still had that old bad habit of taking bites of kittypet food, a couple friends on the other side. But what he doesn't know is that by leaving with his life... he prevents Sunstar from acquiring his own.

Sunstar had ONE single life, StarClan was not able to give him more with the previous leader still alive. For leaving his Clan, for unknowingly preventing the transfer of power, and for dismissing the Warrior Code, Pinestar is sent to the Dark Forest after his death.

He can choose to walk there, or spend time in the mortal plane as just a spirit, but StarClan offers him no place in the cosmos.

[lunarharp]

qifrey's birthday and silly stuff

[the-adventures-of-dave]

Unaware of the horrors (the Last of Us Part II)

[br1ghtestlight]

big bob and lily w/ bob in my fanfic 😭😭

[wereh0gz]

Idk what's going on with me rn but. Idk what to do with a bunch of my sonic ocs anymore. Specifically ruby, their parents, the cat fam, and nox. I just don't feel like I can tell their stories at all. But I don't want to retire them either. But I still feel like I'm slowly growing. Detached?

Idk what I want to do. Maybe a revamp or something? I was already considering redesigning the twins but maybe I need a complete rewrite or something. Idk when I'd get to it tho. I've been in an art rut for a bit now. Haven't felt like drawing at all and I don't feel satisfied with the one thing I tried to make recently (which, ironically, involved ruby and the twins).

Idk what to do.

[uncanny-tranny]

No question. I am informing you that your musings on doing things "half assed" are VERY limited in scope and applicability, especially in the context of interpersonal relationships. Turning comments off will not save poorly thought work from criticism, please think harder before you hit post.

So, reading this came across (to me) as either bad faith or projection, so I looked for entirely too long to try finding this post, but... no, I think this is projection.

I appreciate that not every post of mine is applicable to every situation, but this really comes across as needlessly antagonistic. My comments are unavailable to anybody who is either a brand-new follower or hasn't followed me - they are not 'turned off' unless you are either of these two.

[blackwaxidol]

it was a clear day today but. sunset is nevertheless at 4pm.

[forcedhesitation]

I finished act 2 again, but properly this time. and I cannot even begin to put into words how satisfying and beautiful all of that was. I loved act 2 the first time I played, but figuring out how to save the last light this time, properly completing halsin's quest, storming moonrise towers with jaheira and her harpers, seeing aylin reunite with isobel...all of it. I love it even more. and the beginning of act 3 feels all the more rewarding, having fixed my past errors.

[soldier-poet-king]

What to do when you want to *** but you're "not supposed to" drink yourself silly BC it's 11am, and also you can't leave your room without running into family and also you are useless and pointless and can't do anything right and that's just. How it's gonna be forever.

[fluffypichu876]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

not my sunbro...

damn you miyazaki...

[reginaofdoctorwho]

had another cardiologist appointment this past monday (actual cardiologist this time not np/pa) went as follows:

acknowledged that the meds are helping me a lot

said "no, nausea's not part of POTS. you have to talk to your primary care physician about that because that could be something else". 1, it is a symptom of POTS, and 2, it's listed as a symptom of POTS on the information YOUR OFFICE SENT ME

he acknowledged the meds are helping me and wants me off them in 6 months, or at least decreased

he said that there was a mayoclinic study where the majority of POTS patients grew out of that. 1, that was pediatric diagnosed POTS, 2 they had been treated for 5 prior to the data collection, and 3 only 18.2% actually "grew out of it" and fully recovered. 50-ish% percent did have better health/fewer symptoms but they still had pots. and that still leaves about 30% unaccounted for who either dropped out of the study, stayed the same, or got worse

said he tries to lower meds for his other POTS patients and it usually doesn't work. i can't even say i asked him that he just straight up volunteered it

i had an ecg at this appointment :) he came in to talk to me after and had it pulled up on his screen :)) days later it's available on the website and gives the time of him interpreting and signing it as after my appointment time. admittedly i would not give a shit about this but i was normal sinus rhythm on other ecg's in the past and now have "incomplete right bundle branch block". this was not mentioned to ME. we even had to call the office after to get my meds refilled because forgot to at the appointment and it wasn't mentioned. the FUCK does that mean for me???? internet says either not dangerous or sign of dangerous "depending on signs of presyncope and chest pain" which i already get with my POTS

listened to my heart over my sweater even though i had a tank top on underneath and said as much. the FUCK do you plan to hear that way, jackshit??

[applebunch]

wait hey i just realized that greater boston has 5 seasons like the 5 stages of grief. hm. oh no. i kinda wanna see if there’s actually anything there, so im just gonna speculate...

season 1: denial. leon’s ghost isn’t yet confirmed to truly exist, so his haunting is much more... metaphorical in tone. there’s a seance made in an attempt to speak to him and a persistent theme of michael claiming/believing himself to be haunted by leon’s ghost, saying he’s still there, helping him, which sounds pretty denial-y to me. (yes, even though he was right. he was both right and also in denial. you understand.) (chelmsworth tries/succeeds at starting red line, and leaves before he can become mayor. michael tells him that there will be consequences, and chelmsworth ignores him.)

season 2: anger. red line is officially a thing, and so is leon’s ghost. i don’t remember a lot about what specific events occurred in season 2, actually, other than that there definitely was anger, i think? the anger isn’t exactly unique to this season, tho, there’s a lot of anger in season 1. emily feeling angry about her marriage, isabelle, angry about injustices, nica, angry about being abandoned, lashing out at complete strangers all of the time.  i guess anger might be the driving point of season 2? it’s why emily is even a problem, and why nica stoops so low. (one thing that IS unique to season 2 is that this is where EVERYONE starts being angry at CHELMSWORTH for leaving them behind,)

season 3: bargaining. (chelmsworth comes back, with the intentions to make amends!! he even offers gifts!! he is turned down. hard.) michael gets to talk to leon again and michael pleads with leon to play chess with him, forgoing sleep and food. one game? it’s just good to hear your voice again... and leon, at first, relents, but once the game is done, leon tells michael that he needs to let him go, once it’s obvious that this isn’t good for him. again, michael’s pleading- no, he’s bargaining, that there’s so much value in the way that michael’s person-hood is being overwritten with leon’s own, in the way he’s losing himself in leon’s thoughts, his feelings, his memories. leon’s a CHARACTER again, and his friends are looking for him. sure, leon’s a ghost, but he’s right there! within arms reach and not behind the inconceivable barrier between life and death! it’s almost like he never died! ...but.

speculation:

season 4: depression. it’s not safe to hold on to leon that way. as evidenced by michael and poletti, talking to leon is too dangerous for most people. it hurts them. badly. deeply. leon is dead. he killed himself, and his return as a ghost doesn’t change that. everyone has to move on, for their own sake and his. leon hasn’t exactly “come back to them.” not by choice, anyway, and he’s leaving once he gets the opportunity to do so. that’ll probably be pretty disappointing, and, y’know, really depressing.

season 5: acceptance, leon doesn’t want to roam this world as a ghost anymore, and wishes to return to his rest. he needs help to do so, and he’ll most likely need it from those who loved him most. they finally let him go, and accept that, this time, they’ll really never see him again.

[squeakadeeks]

i thought my mid 20's would be like: "yes I am flourishing in my well established career" and instead its like: "whats the appropriate level of detail to share while live-tweeting my entire life's demise that has the most comedic impact without getting institutionalized"

[butwilltherebealcohol]

idk

that feeling when you meet someone new, for any reason, and they first see your scars. and even if you’re lucky and they don’t explicitly say anything or make any big deal over it you notice. you see that little flick of their eyes to your wrist(or where ever) and then away for a minute, almost embarrassed, and a quick shift in their look that’s so quick you’d think you were imagining it if you didn’t see it every time this happens. pity? fear? disgust? confusion? regret they’re talking to you at all? something there just for a heartbeat and then it goes away and they seem to act like nothing happened but you know from that moment on they won’t ever look at you quite the same

[yaminerua]

at this point idk what it is specifically but I don’t think there’s a single neurotypical person living in this house and the state it’s in shows that

if you walked into this place you’d immediately stage an intervention bc clearly none of us are able to get started on what needs fucking done let alone maintain it to an acceptable level jfc