#derealized as all get out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anxiously-going · 1 year

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Maybe I'm not actually real.

#screaming into the void #derealized as all get out #saw my reflection in the window and got super dizzy #wasnt aware that was a thing for me #half feel like a self aware movie character or like the character who's aware their in the wrong story but everyone keeps treating them #like the mc so they have to play along without getting caught or else #or like the charact who has to pretend they dont have sever retrograde amnesia and they totally know whats going on

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zebratimw · 1 year

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#svsss #scum villains self saving system #shang qinghua #how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg #I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg #how nice it would be to not exist #everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate #time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times #I haven't felt real in most of those years either #Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times #tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias #I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it #but at the same time I really want to do more too #I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person #and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig #I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg #priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore #idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things #like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing?#Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything #I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me #I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha #ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so #chug chug going along #I also have to make wushi before I die. haha #god my life is so empty #what am I even doing #I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this?#so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much #I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more

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theres-whump-in-that-nebula · 17 hours

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Interesting. Don’t necessarily think I’m autistic but I have more going on than just ADHD and I’m not sure what that is.

#I’m not even sure if the ADHD is actually ADHD either or if it’s just technology addiction #Gonna get a REAL neuropsych evaluation at some point out of sheer curiosity as to what the fuck is wrong with me #I relate to a lot of autistic things and I relate to a lot of ADHD things; but I don’t entirely relate to the majority of either population #and I don’t relate to people with both enough to think I have both #I’ve begun treating myself as if I am autistic just for Kicks and using things that help them and it’s helping in some ways #but I know it’s probably not autism because even though I struggle socially; it’s not because of the same reasons #I understand social cues; I was only accidentally perceived as rude as a kid (and most kids are kind of blunt)#(Mostly a moderate amount of “Stop correcting me! It’s disrespectful!” from my parents)#And nowadays because of how much psychology and acting I study; I can perceive shrimp social cues #And I’m purposefully doing all the right things but it still feels like I fail social interactions because of my lack of assertiveness #which I KNOW come from being raised in a cult #so perhaps my odd social behavior is from CPTSD from being raised in a puritan doomsday cult as an only child #Because I was NOT introverted or sensitive to others as a child #I did not have routines as a child and the ones I did have were for fun and did not distress me if I strayed from them #But now I need structure as an adult because I don’t know what else to do with myself if I have nowhere to be #But at the same time everyone feels worse when they have no routine or expectations #And is it actually inattentive ADHD or severe derealization and an itch to do as many things as possible #because I spent my childhood being raised in a boring doomsday cult by disabled older parents who couldn’t physically do much?#(And I don’t fault my parents for being disabled but I do fault them for the whole doomsday cult thing)#So I spent my whole childhood doing mentally tedious things when really I’m more wired for physically spontaneous things #Because I was not allowed to walk around the neighborhood alone until I was sixteen #And I couldn’t hang out with friends I wanted to hang out with because they were bad association #So of course I got really good at drawing even though I don’t even like drawing that much #Of course I got really good at writing even though I don’t like writing that much #Now that I don’t need to escape from anything I find I actually hate drawing and writing because it’s such a chore #they make my heart rate accelerate in a way I don’t like to feel #(I hate writing less than drawing)

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thriftdyke · 3 months

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u ever jump to a highly specific but batshit insane conclusion about something that literally anyone else in the world who does not have your specific trauma and experiences would not have jumped to in a million years and you just kinda have to sit with that like damn that was a really in-character moment for me and I don’t like it

#p #got an email that for some reason was addressed to my friend’s first name and my last name #and my first thought was not the logical reasoning of like #‘maybe this has something to do with the fact that I used her account for this website one time’#but instead immediately went to #‘what if my friend isn’t real and she’s just an alter ego I created for myself and all my memories of our interactions are fake and #I’ve actually just been talking to myself this whole time’#like girl.#get it together #we get it you had a major derealization crisis in 2020 and thought you were god in a bad way #we’ve moved past that now chill the fuck out

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screamingnonsenseintothevoid · 7 months

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bbqhooligan · 8 months

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ok im putting this on tumblr cuz where else does it go i have a super hot int law professor shes REALLY like. hot late thirties woman who knows it i was watching her disgusting evil ass class but i was suddenly struck by how hot she was and like no joke for a single second i was out here praying she wasnt married THE FUCK are you even on bro. you were closer to writing 10k student teacher smut than you were to even THINKING about you and her in reality. WHAT!!!

#mypost #im so removed from this life its not even funny. i live in escape wdym i have never enjoyed the thought of myself with anyone #depression detachment escape maladaptive daydreaming derealization ace spectrum neurodivergence dysphoria FIGHT #<- string of words that makes anyone wanna kill you #its ok its not pathologizing if it all boils down to measuring the conditions of your existence and your mental wellness and reporting back #with like: i am not well not okay and not alright chief 👍👍👍#maybe one day existing wont be so difficult and painful and ill get my head out of my ass and feel comfortable in my own skin?#hm?#if this body wasnt so uninhabitable (itself its ties and its life)#then maybe i wouldnt be so. unliving

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mingirn · 2 years

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seasonal depression 0… mars 1

#every single post on here im like ’’im going through it’’ and i know its getting annoying but #im going through it 😂#i want it to be april so bad so i can get my old job back #this winter has been so miserable. mental illness is at an all time low and my mom is at an all time worst (she is not kind to me)#and both my grandparents have faced health issues #and im in a constant state of dissociation/paranoia/derealization/depersonalisation #ive been having such a hard time reaching out to ppl or responding to things #its so bad. its all so bad. well #this wasnt supposed to be a vent i was just gonna show u guys that i started learning crochet like 3-4 days ago and i made this bookmark -#and this star :)

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bibiana112 · 11 months

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I'm going to draw wktd fanart (to cope with a highly specific situation) while I still have the time for it (looming employment) and that is a promise to myself (I probably have something else I said I'd work on but whatever)

#I strt at the end of the month and I'm #I'm not even gonna say I'm scared I'm not I'm just not quite excited either? I'll pull through #and hopefully eat better and be able to buy fun things thaNK FUCK #however also taxes. I am not looking forward to taxes #like it's literally an ideal position if I don't manage it for whatever reason that'll be uh. something big for me to find out limits wise #but it's whatever I'm curious and I gotta try #and like I said god I'll be so happy to be able to afford hyper specific autism approved food that's gonna make everything so much easier #oh also the hyper specific situation? don't worry about it. just know I'm going to cry into whatever I draw for that game atm #I mentioned it in the post I made about it these days I literally skimmed through lines of one of the endings and immediately cried a single #Annoying tear. I feel like I don't cry about life things as much as would be healthy to and when I do I don't cry right #so I just get so annoyed at these sudden single tear moments when I'm not even putting effort into anything they just leak out #because something on a screen hit too close to home in an instant but I can't even properly Feel it because I'm focused on something else #and the thing in question has well been Acknowledged and rendered Irrelevant #it's not satisfying like crying for being engrossed on a story and/or characters and I absolutely hate how idk picturesque? it feels #people criticize drawing crying with a pretty single tear all the time it feels so fake and forced to fit the medium in a way that's still #appealing and consumable but I'm just a person with depersonalization issues. reverse derealization. everything's real except me #anyways I wasn't spiraling I will continue to not spiral about that at this moment but that's constantly there in my brain #and I'm going to draw the body horror lesbian polycule about it #Void fala aí #oh yeah I promised field sib content uh I can easily do that as a warm-up on a work day obviously pfft #''end of the month'' she's so pretentious you mean next week

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ihaveab0y · 1 year

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.

#man do u ever feel like you just #feel too much #love too hard #god just #i feel like that taylor swift song ‘out of the woods’#everyone else is living in black and white and im living in color #but not in a good way #all thr colors are fucking neon #and i just want to see the world everyone else does #i put in so so much and i just feel useless sometimes #god and it all comes back to my psychosis doesnt it? i couldnt deal with the world so my brain said ‘heres smth u will like!!!’#and some days it just gets - loud #vent #sorry lmfaoo #not mlm #dereality #<- just in case

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lago-morpha · 1 year

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do you ever feel genuinely revolted upon seeing a mirror not because you're ugly or anything but the fact that you look like that? the version that exists of me in my head is so different from my physical appearance sometimes

#buzgie ❁#personal post #or the fact that i have a body at all #sometimes real people interact with me and i kind of get startled at the fact that i must be real too if real people talk to me #because i mostly depersonalize over derealizing #thats why i like to talk to people constantly when i get like this #other people reaching out to me wouldnt make sense if i wasnt a human being #its awkward though because i have visible mental illness so most people dont bother

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buysomecheese · 2 years

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Fellas, tell me-

Is it very ESTJ, 6w5, 269 tritype of me to kin Upside Down & Inside Out (OK Go), Humpty Dumpty (AJR), Belonger (Maxton Waller), It’s Called: Freefall (Rainbow Kitten Surprise), Northern Attitude (Noah Kahan), All’s Well That Ends (Rainbow Kitten Surprise), Upside Down (Jack Johnson), I Won’t Let You Down (OK Go), Real Men (Mitski),? Is it?

#anyways if you know anything about enneagrams or grottoes or mbti please. tell me about myself (/nf)#(/nf)#the rest of my tags are venting feel free to ignore those #I’m not going through anything rn #I’m feeling totally fine #(I want to Punch some Certain People in the ducking stomach)#(I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in Months and I’ve been literally feeling entirely fine and I’m healthier than ever otherwise so-)#(- I’m worried about that. I think English is incredibly fucking stupid as a class. I cannot Wait until college. this is such a period of-)#(- growth and change for me. I’m getting a job. I might ask someone out. I still can’t drive and I’m upset about that. I know who I want-)#(- be friends with now. things are coming together and I am weeding out things that are bad for me. I’m so derealized half of the time and-)#(- it contradicts with everything else going on so strongly. I wish people would own up to their faults and not take on more than they can-)#(- handle. I have so much confidence in myself and my abilities but I don’t think I’m worth anything. I know what I deserve but that’s-)#(- the bare minimum and nothing more. I know that if I Left today I’d believe that everyone would love on within the week but I also know-)#(- there are people and organizations that would Not work the same or nearly as smoothly as they do now. I don’t know what to do with-)#(- myself but I have Everything planned out. maybe I just need to work out and be active idk I’ve been in a car all day.)#estj #6w5 #269 tritype #what is a #tritype

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nexus-nebulae · 2 years

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:[

#low health #unreality tw #dereality tw #paranoia tw #delusion tw #idk what tags apply to this so im adding a lot #every time something changes or i find out something new about the world around me #i always get more and more convinced that im not in my original universe #like i keep going to alternate universes that are slightly different from the one im from #and its just subtle enough for me to not notice when it happens #i feel less and less like i have a grasp on the world around me every day that passes #i cant explain all these subtle differences logically #like one of my fucking t-shirts changed colour and i genuinely have no explanation for it #i dont know #right now i cant find a picture i know for a fact that i saved #and i know for a fact that i saved it because i have seen the picture dozens of times within this specific folder #and now it's suddenly gone #it's not in the recycle bin so it wasn't deleted #and it wasn't moved to any other folders #it's just gone #and i don't know why #there's no trace of it #and the only thing my brain is saying is that it was in my last universe but not this one #... i don't know

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mental-skillness · 6 days

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im just screaming into the void

#stuck in a loop of #'my life is falling apart im fucking everything up im throwing away my life before it's even begun'#and like i cant even ARGUE bc YEAH im severely addicted to cigarettes and vapes and weed #im literally doing irreperable damage to my lungs and heart and circulation and brain development #and it's not like im about to stop #im the kind of person who skips class to hang out w my pets and leaves the homoerotic social function early bc im overwhelmed #like i just #gah #but it's okay to be damaged #it's okay for ME to be damaged #i spent my childhood suicidal and trying to fix myself #and then as soon as i started to become myself my cousin died and my aunt shot herself and i went to school and became a druggie #and im just now coming back to myself after being semi derealized and in a major depressive episode for the better part of two years #and the only way i learned to manage my emotions was by repressing them #and it MAKES SENSE #that i am scared all the time and leaning heavily on bad coping mechanisms and shutting down in the face of stress #it is okay that i am stressed and it is okay that my brain gets overwhelmed and doesnt know what to do except try to escape the situation #and i will get better at learning to have emotions without running away from them #because it is okay to feel bad #and it is ok to be doing bad

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teethcore · 2 months

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i'm so jealous of everyone online who describes having breakthroughs while tripping and coming out of it with significant mental health improvements and whatnot. i feel very hopeful and confident about my future if i start introspecting while i'm actively high but it all goes away after.

#sounds like i have to start bingeing amirite /j #no i have had some mental health improvements that i feel i can certainly attribute to this drug. like for example my distress around dp/dr #-symptoms has all but fucking evaporated. both because i know associate some of those experiences with a sense of light-hearted giggly-#-drunk stupid euphoria and because i have this super intense thing to calibrate against. it's like my day to day feelings of dereality have #-nothing on what it feels like to trip so it's like whatever to me now lol.#and i feel my memory has improved though that's probably more from quitting my meds that were giving me brain fog than the drug itself.#AND ALL THAT IS WELL AND GOOD OBVIOUSLY.#BUT I WANT THE MAGICAL DEPRESSION CURING BREAKTHROUGH.#instant gratification without the work pls?? pls???#god i'm such a lazy sack of shit loser lmao. jesus fuck.#i probably feel so bad because i was kinda doing the high-value putting this guy i'm friends with on a pedestal thing. but then he kinda-#-brushed me off when i said something vulnerable and it hurt like a mf so i'm kinda crashing.#idk i keep reaching out and trying to build a support system outside of my angel to hopefully have means of getting out safely and it keeps #-not going so well so. it's making me pissed and depressed and it's kinda confirming my whole ''you can't trust or rely on anyone but-#-yourself'' worldview that is supposedly so terribly irrational.#idk probably just gonna self harm then try to do some chores i'm neglecting that usually makes me feel better.#at least the afterglow makes me calmer and less manic and intense about my negative thoughts and feelings.#that's better than nothing.#bite.txt #—peter #—kieran

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 5 months

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the ONLY reason i have not written a william wisp fic yet is because he activates such a specific emotion within me that i cannot accurately put into words without exposing all of my own mental health issues

#-> critically avoidant of all his issues -> tries to laugh off topics about himself when theyre brought up by force #-> derealization beam -> invisibility beam -> forgettinf youre a real person -#> feeling so very separated from everyone around you because of your specific circumstances #-> things get really sad and awkward really quickly even if you wanted to bring up your own issues #so you stay quiet about them in order to not scare or hurt anyone else -> extreme jealously beam #-> being petty and mean about the extreme jealousy thing -> the only thing keeping you from totally snapping and becoming a villain #is one other person/thing -> constant guilt and shame over things you cannot control #-> being broken out of a really bad spiral by someone you love yelling at you (not angry) and giving you a hug #-> being a FUCKING COWARD about EVERYTHING #anyway. reading myself for filth. im not joking when i make wow hes just like me fr jokes

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riverlet-arboreal · 10 months

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Starting to feel like I don’t want anything to do with him anymore

#it’s not roleplaying when you’re literally having out of character conversations #fuck it was almost a fucking year #literally ten months #at some point I got the dates wrong and thought it was eight #but it was ten #I was looking at uni’s in the area he lives in #fuck this messed me up #I still can’t build up the guts to just block him #I can’t believe I ever thought what we have is real #I mean #he did tell me he loved me constantly #and I did the same #and now it’s been a couple months since I realized it wasn’t real #and he said we’d talk things through to clear stuff up and get closure and all that #but fuck a couple months is a long time to put off a fucking conversation #I’m so fucking drunk #rant in tags #personal #disassociation tw #derealization tw #drunkposting #I’m not sure how long l #I’ve been looking at the blue ovals and words on the grey screen #I’m just exhausted #with everything #I wish we could at least talk #I don’t wanna loose that friendship

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