#did I succeed? who knows.
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I don't like this place. It's turning everyone edgy and sad.
FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT
MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)
#undertale#deltarune#crossover#utdr#crossover comic#twin runes comic#twin runes au#my art#art#susie deltarune#chara#this will ignite the “chara did nothing wrong” vs “chara is a murder hobo” debate I just know it#fact is they gave up everything for their plan to succeed and asriel blew it#HOWEVER they were also forced to watch asriel die and they could do nothing about it#so what does a dead child do for who knows how many years all alone with no one else to talk to?#they rethink everthying that went wrong#guilt is a weird thing that lingers and festers in your mind#no matter how much you're actually at fault#I mean come on... they were an abused kid#all they wanted was to not hurt anymore and return the love they were given no matter the cost#but now they are CONVINCED it was their plan that kickstarted this whole mess#and it's eating at them#you can see it because they actually used contractions for once#i love subtle stuff like that#also hey#susie's feeling remorse for her whole “chara offed asriel” comment#the two are more alike than she thought and now she feels bad#out of all people she should know what it's like to be falsely accused
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“We need more morally gray characters” you guys can barely handle topaz and jade.
#yeah I said it#hsr#Honkai star rail#topaz hsr#topaz and numby#jade#jade hsr#hsr Jade#hsr topaz#like they’re not good but their not mustache twirling villains y’all#yes topaz did mess up by not telling bronya the actual success rate if she accepted the deal#but you have to remember she was indoctrinated since she was a kid that the ipc was good and that those who surrendered to its power will#succeed and thrive#hell they may have used examples like boothills home planet as warnings#of course she would think the ipc is good and will#help jarillo#her home planet was on the brink of collapse when the ipc came and it was quite literally life saving#even though it did mean robbing the future of a population to work for them topaz so grateful for the ipc and sees it as a way to pay back#you guys are forgetting that she was willing to sacrifice her position and that she was happy the planet could be independent#now we don’t know much about jade but she doesn’t go seeking out desperate people#those people come to her and accept those deals knowing full well every detail and it’s cost#she may get some pleasure from it sure but she’s just doing business with people#and yet I see people view them as villains and yet not call out aventurine with helping the ipc take control of penacony#he’s a victim yes but so is topaz when it comes to the ipc manipulating them#topaz has good Intentions and is just following what she has been taught since childhood#look I love aventurine I really do but he’s not pure and at the end of the day both him and topaz are people they are flawed#they’re not completely bad or good#sorry it was mainly about topaz we don’t know much about jade and I might change my mind on her when we do
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every time i see a post saying that kim dokja exists only in the "third" round because he dies on the subway in all the other rounds i want to scream. he doesn't die on the subway. SP cannot find him there because in every other timeline kim dokja does not make it to the subway at all.
#I FEEL CRAZY LIKE. DID I READ A DIFFERENT BOOK OR SOMETHING??? AM I GETTING THE EVENTS WRONG???#LIKE. idk.#i feel like everyone knows that kim dokja is suicidal. and the only thing that kept kim dokja alive was WOS.#but then people fail to take that one step further to connect it with the fact that#in the other rounds where WOS isnt a thing...kim dokja succeeds in his second attempt. he does not make it to the subway.#like. not to get Very Personal in the tags but as someone who has Been suicidal it's an important character distinction to me#that This Is The Reason Why he's not there when SP checks the other rounds#ky speaks
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in terms of my other hobbies, I feel like every warm sunny afternoon finds me with my forehead pressed up against my back window, muttering ".......planting time? time for plants? plant?????" to myself as I stare at my empty tomato cages.
#you know. like a weirdo.#that said I did manage to successfully propagate my pothos plant! I've got weird glass-like roots sprouting#so thanks to the folks who suggested that; it's been satisfying.#(well. frustrating. but now satisfying that I have some evidence I might succeed!)#a couple weeks ago my mother and a friend of hers stopped by my apartment after their day in the city#and her friend called me a ''renaissance woman''#and it was a bit of a surprise but also....yeah. actually yes. renaissance woman.#I do lots of interesting things; even if they're just interesting to me.#celestial emporium of benevolent knowledge
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#ffxiv#gpose#ryssrael#femroe#that's not the mob i planned on using but where are the other terminus mobs in there. who knows. not me!#also. celebrating finally finishing that port omg#it was the first one i ever tried and it took like 4 tried to succeed#on the plus side i did it easily this time. progress!
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Albus CoS:
Hm... I don't have many DADA teacher options this year... I can't ask the Ministry to supply someone, they suck - and I can't ask the Governors to pick someone, they're headed by Malfoy...
Well, I suppose could spin Gilderoy into a good learning experience for Harry: After his burst of fame last year I worry he might grow a big head, like I did after my first year. I can't teach him that lesson... it must be scared out of him early so it doesn't fester.
Gilderoy makes Severus look exceptionally good, which is necessary. It will teach Harry which adults he can trust, since he struggled with that so much last year...
I wish he would trust me but I can't force that. I must give him space and try to foster it slowly. Besides, it's for the best if I don't start to care for the boy on a personal level. That has never ended well.
I'll keep my distance, but make sure to tell him he can share anything with me, that he is a good boy I support - and that help will always come to him if he asks for it. To talk to the teachers he trusts. To know that he is supported even if I am not here.
That should do.
He wishes to be a little independent... but last time I let that independence truly flourish in a boy it went quite badly.
This time I will put more pressure upon relying on others.
-- He comes back to the school to find out Harry didn't seek any adult help - planned to get Minerva's help but TURNED TO GILDEROY INSTEAD, Went off on his own to face certain death WITH GILDEROY AS A PRISONER
All because he had a feeling 'he was the only one who could'
Then, right after this traumatic experience, still covered in blood and slime - he wants to go and do something cheeky to Lucius Malfoy - a man that outranks Albus in most ways --
Albus outwardly: "Well I'm glad it all went well in the end. Now don't take too long and forget about the feast, alright?"
Albus inwardly: Holy shit this kid is so fucking cool. How does he do it? How does he defy every expectation I have? How does he do the opposite of what I think is best and thoroughly prove me wrong? FUCK he's cool. He's like me :^) But BETTER than me. WOW. He doesn't even have that big a head about it. Astounding.
...He really needs a role model who can show him love, he isn't learning this 'please for gods sake trust adults sometimes' lesson - I gotta take the risk and go find Remus for next year...
#people have this idea of Albus that he plans everything always#Because he does - he does plan everything always#but it quite rarely all goes to plan - especially when Harry is involved.#Albus is plotting and manipulative and clever but he is also more often than not thrown into the deep end by shit going wrong#just because he plots and plans and is usually on some level correct doesn't mean he succeeds in his manipulations#CoS is a good showing of that - where he was quite powerless and pretty much everything he did went completely wrong.#Did he have a single success that year...? No I don't think so - I think everything he tried didn't hold.#Harry really just went and succeeded all by himself#and part of that is that Albus has key misunderstandings of who harry is - he is projecting himself onto him and making poor assumptions#because he doesnt know harry is is scared to know him - scared to love him#so what does he do next year? 'Remus please harry really needs someone who will love him and I cant do it please please please come'#hp#albus dumbledore#chamber of secrets#harry potter
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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So your other blog says "temporary haitus" and i read it as haikus the first time I saw it and now every time i check that blog i get this image in my mind like what if there was a temporary haiku curse where everyone has to talk exclusively in haikus just imagine
So I am on break,
Couldn't talk, couldn't listen
It takes time to heal.
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started watching another home makeover show and it hit me once again how much I want an AU where George and Sapnap are the hosts of a 'siblings getting their own rooms' show (they compete on which room suits their respective kid best) and Dream is one of the cameramen who ended up commenting out loud about something so he ends up being a faceless fan favorite. George does flirt with Dream a lot. Sapnap is very tired of it. They also compete about which room Dream would like the best, which is not the point of the show but in their hearts it is.
#it'll be the kind of show no one expects to succeed but dream's clip goes viral#literally he's not even supposed to be part of the show but everyone wants to hear what he has to say#and it works out well because george and sapnap are obsessed with getting his approval#dream does not have interior design background so he honestly has no idea why anyone listens to him#what he doesn't know is he is VERY GOOD at knowing what the kids want because he's good at listening and also figuring out what they NEED#like there is an episode where this girl wants generic princess stuff but it turns out she just really looks up to her big sister#so dream finds out she likes art and building things with her own hands and there's a whole segment#where you just see his back while this kid is teaching him how to build a castle#and you see george watching from the side COMPLETELY BESOTTED#I NEED TO WRITE THIS FIC#these men in the car makeover show keeps on bantering i feel like it could be flirting#i need to use this energy into something less crazy (dnf is less crazy than these people)#like why did this man program his droid to answer the question 'is donny cute' 😔 and it answered yes but only when he is not talking#boi u just called the beefcake who kept hugging you cute#how am i not supposed to think about dnf
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.
#goddamn i love when i have a good interview 🥰#happens more often than not at this point in my career but man#i dont know if i ever would have gotten to this point without a piece of advice i read a few years back#no idea where i saw it but it literally changed my life lmao#but here it is: when you're in an interview...#you are already at an advantage#because the person interviewing you doesn't want to continue to have to interview people...#they want YOU to be the one they're looking for#they WANT to like you#just think about that for a second!!!!#and of course this is assuming that they dont already have someone else in mind and are just interviewing by obligation#but you didnt stand a chance for that job anyway so... might as well assume that you have the shot#i swear this whole idea changed my entire perspective once i really internalized it lol#ESPECIALLY after i started giving interviews myself!! (if your job ever gives you the opportunity to give interviews TAKE IT)#because i had PROOF of the concept lmao like it was really fucking true!#i really did want every person i interviewed to be The One!#like we had a problem: need to hire a person#every interview was an opportunity for that problem to be solved#it's not like school where no one cares if you do well because it's ultimately your business#like when people are trying to hire they WANT YOU TO SUCCEED IN THE INTERVIEW#REMEMBER AND INTERNALIZE THAT!#unless you get saddled with a gatekeeping dickhead in which case you're dodging a bullet anyway#because a company who will put the gatekeeping dickhead in interviews is either evil or stupid lmao
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post office task complete despite everything.
#lays on the floor. sobs#i. did not succeed in going by myself like i wanted. i wanted to be so brave. but i did fucking sob when dad came to help with the car so#he did not exactly want me to have to deal with it myself aiusdhaliushd which is fine. i was upset in the moment but now i'm glad he came#he was literally just there for moral support i'm still the one who talked to the post office people by myself#this post office was very nice they weren't as overly friendly as my therapist and the reviews described#but they were extremely patient with me when the first thing i said was 'i've never done this before and don't know what the process is'#and they did make sure everything was in order for me and kept things as simple as possible for me#and also their gift shop is nice dad bought gummy bears and shared with me#the car is not entirely fucked like i was terrified it might be#it's just weird. dad's not sure how to fix it yet#but we just need to get my fob working again and i can make sure the car doesn't Scream at me for existing#even if the base problem is not fixed#my horrible piece of shit hunk of junk. love this car so much but holy shit dude
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look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair (or, i showed this to a guy and its "demonic" energy was so potent that he promptly fell out of the chair desk he was sitting in and toppled it over with a loud noise)
mnm yaoi
#art#artists on tumblr#my art#traditional art#shitpost art#so i went to a school club with my friends and they gave us fun size m&ms for snacks#the packets have the mascots printed on them#red and yellow are always paired together in the ads so i thought why not ship them to annoy my friends#so I kept chanting m&m yaoi to them and making them groan on purpose#then everyone attending got told we would be doing an icebreaker activity#we would write something about ourselves on an index card - ball it up - throw it onto the floor - pick one up that wasnt ours#share as a club what we got - then collectively guess what card belonged to who#and since me and my friends and the people we happened to know were about half the club (since we'd been before)#i took this as a chance to forcibly expose them to no longer verbal but now visual m&m yaoi >:-}}}#sadly my plan did not succeed because no one i knew groaned when they opened the card they got#the toppled guy did not get my card then btw#I don't remember if the girl who got my card reacted to the drawing#though my friends stared meaningfully at me when she read it aloud#then i got my card back from the girl and showed it to everyone i knew and those who dubiously agreed#this is when the guy toppled over totally on his own#I am very proud of myself.
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Love the idea here that the other rebels' problem with Saw is just that he blows shit up and not the whole "torturing prisoners and endangering civilians" thing
#the death stars were both military targets the only people killed in those explosions were military personnel#whereas saw and the partisans have demonstrated multiple times that they have zero regard for civilian life#they got a bunch of civilians at a festival killed on inusagi just to kill one imperial governor and put civilians in danger on jedha#he interrogates people with a telepathic squid monster that mind rapes you and leaves you insane#either that or he electrocutes you and threatens to shoot the queen egg that can save your nearly extinct species#and for every time he gets results there's also an instance of him accomplishing absolutely nothing#he bombs tarkin's base on eriadu and doesn't even succeed in killing him or any of the other officers#he just killed a bunch of easily-replaceable stormtroopers#and if tech really is dead then the only actually noteworthy person he got killed that day was someone that was technically on his side#even if he did kill tarkin or krennic or hemlock they can also be replaced cause everyone in the empire is expendable except palpatine#the empire has no shortage of other officers like them that could continue their work#saw just wants to hurt the empire right here right now and doesn't care about the consequences#he says sacrifice is required for the greater good which isn't wrong but doesn't care who makes those sacrifices for his cause#and no i'm not saying he's some evil monster with no redeeming qualities#we know his backstory we know why he is the way he is and i do think he's sympathetic#but i also think the whole mentality that he was Always Right Actually and the other rebels are hypocrites for no approving of his methods#is really fucking stupid#of course this all stems from tumblr logic that you can't have any characters who fit the ''well-intentioned extremist'' trope#cause if you have a character who has good intentions but goes about the wrong way#then according to tumblr that automatically means you're Demonizing Violent Resistance#even though the characters who disapprove of those extreme methods are in fact ALSO violently resisting#they're just not committing war crimes while they do it#i didn't think these tags were gonna be as long as they were but yeah#bad batch spoilers#in the tags#shut up tristan
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Making a scheduled post in case anyone is like, "WTF happened to tumblr user musical-chick-13, why did she disable asks, why does her bio say that now."
And the answer is that, in addition to Complicated Personal Shit, I simply cannot hear about US politics anymore as they are discussed on this site, it is genuinely making me miserable, and I have started to have panic attacks again. I may show up for two-minute chunks occasionally to post singing and/or fics, but for a little while...yeah, I'm not gonna be on here.
PLEASE vote for the fucking Democrats in the November election. Do NOT let Trump win.
#scheduled post#I tried to find a way to make this sound like. Not Cringe. but I did not succeed and I am too tired to fix it.#but there are people I know who primarily (or exclusively) contact me through here and I didn't want them to be wondering what tf happened
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#lore olympus#lo persephone#lo hades#this is nice#i like how Persephone really wants to try things on her own#all she wanted was to be treated as a adult and be able to make her own decisions regarding her own self#now she's able to that by first buying property and who knows what else she'll do in the future#even if it seems stupid and doesn't work out at all#Persephone wants to try and whether she fails or succeeds at least she did her best
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nunny!! what are you really into writing at the moment
Honestly?
Having fun writing some seriously fucked up and deranged modern AUs at the moment. I don't plan to post them, I don't think most folks would get them or enjoy them, but I need a vent valve somewhere and Catra is the unfortunate blorbo suffering through it lol
#recent hits include: Adora mindlessly ends up watching a YT prison video and Catra is in it after cutting in solitary#Catra plans and almost succeeds in jumping off a bridge but Prime catches her and drags her back over the edge#(he was there specifically to stop a suicide if there was one that day to get someone who feels indebted to him)#Catra is Adora's crazy ex who is stalking her and manages to protect Adora from a much more violent stalker#so now she's dealing with the guilt of what she did before they reconnected#and Reverse Werecat where Weaver cursed Catra to be in cat form 24/7 except during the full moon and everyone thinks she ran away#so nothing that I would qualify as Good or Shareable (werecat maybe someday)#but I'm getting to be depressed anxious and violently deranged in a fictional setting which is saving my bacon atm#plunking away at the off the wall modern AU but don't know if I want that silly or sad yet#re-reading colony and pretending I'm going to get my act together to finish it for posting :)#also super refreshing to get an ask that wasn't someone trying to scam me lol! sorry the answer is so depressing?? but! thanks for asking!
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