#director's cut meme

[caiusmajor]

for the Director's Cut meme: how about "To Make Clean, To Wipe Away"? I'd love to hear you talk more about Kersh/Bethesda.

Oh man. Putting this under a cut because of the nature of the fic. Fic is here if anyone wants to follow along.

Title: basically this is the dictionary definition of "absterge".

I don't write fic in first person often, but Legion of the Damned has little bits in first person from Kersh's POV, and that was the voice it made sense to me to write this in.

(There's an earlier, unwritten, version of this that is Bethesda's POV and goes more into her upbringing on Eschara; but that didn't seem like what Cody was looking for, so I wrote Kersh's POV instead.)

Bethesda is described as small and scrawny in Legion of the Damned -- I suspect she was undernourished as a kid, and is going through puberty late, at least by 21st century US standards.

"generative organ" -- my answer to the question of what Zachariah Kersh would call his penis. It kind of gestures at "reproductive organ" without actually saying that, because Kersh's reproductive organs are in his chest and neck.

"since I was less than a century old" -- Kersh is an old, old man, even by Space Marine standards.

"donning Dorn's mantle" and "achieving endorphic communion" -- both lovely phrases, both directly from Legion of the Damned.

"no words for this" -- yeah, at least in this fic, Katafalque wrote an entire guide to sadomasochism without once mentioning that it might be sexual. Imperial Fists be like that.

Bethesda in Kersh's bed -- yes, she has a giant crush, but also the poor girl has no privacy. She and her brother and father live all together in a tiny room next to Kersh's. Sometimes sleeping on a stone slab is worth it to get away from your dad and brother for a few hours.

"I dream that I am a man, and I hold my wife in my arms, as a man would." -- Kersh isn't a man, but he is kind of a gentleman, with some traditional ideas about men and women. If lying with Bethesda isn't unthinkable and impossible, then they could only be doing it as a (human) husband and wife, clearly.

"As Scourge, I have my own washroom" -- this is prior to the whole Stigmartyr debacle, so Kersh is still in favor with his chapter and no one has put him in a box yet.

Bethesda's breast-band -- I was imagining something more like a Roman strophium than a modern bra, if that makes sense. Also, given what we know about Bethesda's build, she probably doesn't have a lot going on there, either because of the delayed puberty I mentioned above or just because she's built like that.

"checking to see if I am looking" -- she's flirting SO hard right now.

"but I am capable of shame" -- Cody pointed this one out, and I like the dichotomy of Kersh's nudity being completely unremarkable but Bethesda's being special and private. Usually when a someone is unconcerned about their nudity in front of a servant, the implication is that the servant isn't really a person, but for Kersh it's the reverse -- he's not really a person, but Bethesda is.

"To me, you are a very attractive man." -- Bethesda is trying SO hard.

and it works out for her!

happily ever after, at least until the grimdark catches up with them.

[notasapleasure]

fanfic director's cut: only ever just one night!

ohhhh hohoho careful what you ask for my friend. But thank you <3

Only ever just one night - director's commentary meme

And while I'm here, a HUGE shout out of thanks to @weirdsociology-writes for reccing this fic!

BACKGROUND The first SW fic I've written in….five years! I've been noodling around very small fandoms since then. I mean like…under 20 fics total on ao3 for the main one (a Georgian film about gay dancers). And a 1980s band AU of a 1960s book series about a sixteenth-century Scottish mercenary where we call ourselves 'tiny fandom' for a reason. So it's both extraordinarily lovely to have so much engagement with this fic and also kind of alarming. To enumerate my alarm: (1) What if I haven't researched the world coffectly (see: misspelling 'caf' as 'kaf')? (2) What if my first fic for this fandom is my best and I have no other ideas to explore coherently? (3) What if I want to write more and it Grows Plot and I end up with just another perpetual WIP trailing its innards all over my ao3 dash? (4) What if I fluked out and wrote something people vibe with while in a trance, but my justification for my actions has bad vibes? However, I try not to cultivate shame, so Andor fandom, specifically Brassian fans: know that you are lovely and it's making Not Looking Down easier.

CONCEPT The fic ambushed me in a back-alley when I was still trying to work through what I did and didn't like about the show (having been immersed in Jyn/Cassian fic and Rogue One backstory when I last did SW fandom). But I knew that what I very much did like was that hug in Rix Road. I am an absolute sucker for second-fiddle characters who are just quietly waiting for an opportunity to fuck shit up on behalf of the skrunkly little creatures we call main characters. Thankless and loyal, competent and smart - not a himbo, but someone who's watching their friend get into trouble and rolling their sleeves up to wade in and help without being asked. The ones you trust to help you hide a body. Also for characters who seem…I don't know, too good to be true on the surface, but have deep reservoirs of potential for darker emotions. I could also have just said I like broad-shouldered black-haired guys who give the best hugs (Brasso. Irakli. Jerott.)

Anyway, I find the best way to explore the relationship between two characters I like is just to make them fuck. I'm being a bit flippant, but only a bit. Communication - spoken and unspoken - is key whether it's good or bad, and you can do a lot with a character's idea of themselves as well as their idea of the other person. It's a performance, it can be about getting a response, and there can be a lot of motives at work. So I wrote this fic to work out how I saw Cassian and Brasso's friendship through a long-term lens - the trust, but also the distance Cassian keeps. Brasso's concern for him, which is overlayed by his frustration at Cassian not telling him everything. Brasso going into these interactions with eyes wide open and still finding it worthwhile, because although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets. Cassian actually relying deeply on Brasso as a constant in the turbulent life he's made for himself and feeling something almost like guilt for letting himself rely on someone that much. But needing that little hit of stability too much not to keep coming back.

FIC

It's in the present continuous because I was possessed by brain worms and they insisted. I literally haven't written anything in that tense for years so…?

Well, I had to try to replicate that hug. Turning favoured scenes over and over with new words is a fun exercise. And while I am very eyes emoji at the idea of Luthen/Cassian I'm also into the idea of Cass having One Place he knows he can always go back to for safety and comfort without any sort of judgement, and that place being wherever Brasso is. Hence also the idea that, although Cassian claims it's for Brasso's safety that he won't say where he's been or who he's working for, there's also an element of Cassian preserving his bolt hole. If he keeps this relationship separate from the Rebellion then whenever the work he does becomes too much, he can always go somewhere that feels like away from the Rebellion. Which isn't exactly fair if Brasso might choose to be involved in the fight himself, were he given all the information. And is something I want to poke at properly if I can sort out the right kind of Macguffin for the plot I have in mind following up from this fic. It would encompass, in theory, Cassian moving from a state where his work for Luthen feels still like a kind of ownership/debt repayment/self-flagellation towards the kind of responsibility and service he treats it as by the time of Rogue One, where I don't think he has any kind of release valve or bolt hole or temporary place to escape/experience respite from The Cause.

All this is bound up with the idea that Brasso sees Cassian in a way many others on Ferrix don't. I think Maarva sees him, but she's too close to what she did and all the guilt and resentment around her just taking him from his home for that understanding to come without massive strings attached. And Bix, similarly, I think she understands Cassian perfectly well and she's made the conscious decision that That's Not For Her. For all the telling the series does about their previous relationship, the showing doesn't involve much pining (from my perspective), or inclination to get back together, just two people who know each other too well to put up with the other's bullshit. Brasso has that too, but with what the series gives us there's not the same kind of caveats to his understanding of Cassian. At least, that's how I see it.

Connected with 'although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets', I wanted to keep the two of them isolated from the other Ferrix survivors here. Cassian's in too vulnerable a place to face up to them all together - what's that trope, where a shapeshifter gets confused by being presented with too many things to change into? I think that would be Cass trying to maintain his armour around Bix and Bee as well - lying about the jobs he's doing and where he's been to them all together it too likely to leave him exposed. He can be selective with his information around Brasso, and he can tell when Brasso knows he's holding out and would rather he didn't, but Brasso's also not going to push too hard, because he knows that just gives Cassian an excuse to leave.

'Brasso merely nods - it's only ever just one night. The first time it happened he believed those words and afterwards, ablaze with memories of that one night, he had come to regret agreeing to it - he'd burned through the long sleepless hours between the first time and the second, convinced that he'd just learned what it was he truly wanted only to be denied any repeat of it. Then there had been a second 'just one night'. A third. Brasso had begun to understand that just one night actually meant something else when Cassian said it. It meant I trust you. I need you too much to ruin it by staying longer. I'll be back. I'll always need to come back.'

Of course, in trying to figure out how this would go as something established, I backed myself into a corner of wondering how it might have started - hence Counting on you (ugh I really wish I'd had the patience to think of better titles for these two fics). But I like the idea of seeing how this relationship came into being without ever really having been talked about, just changing bit by bit to incorporate more - as I was saying to @elwenyere, it's a ship of Theseus kind of deal, where both physically and emotionally they're scoping each other out and building on each encounter, as well as on the friendship they had anyway, but really it's just 'yes and-'ing each other without addressing their feelings directly.

I'll admit to taking a deliberately contrary stance to what I expected to be the default take on this ship - that Cassian would be more experienced, more likely to make the first move. I just prefer a dynamic in my ships where they're differently experienced and both invested in making the other feel good, so there's always a bit of a wrangle over who's initiating what. From the way Brasso meets Cassian's improvised alibi to the way he knows exactly where to find him with Maarva's message, I don't believe for one second this is a man who's shy about using his initiative. And like Cassian is, I think he's highly conscious of how people view him and his body and has learned to manipulate expectations around that - either to make himself seem less threatening or to do the opposite. It's something that's part of what they both get out of being together - no facade, Brasso doesn't need to make himself seem smaller or less threatening (he defaults to bumbling when confronted with Imperial patrols, it really takes a lot to get him swinging that brick on Rix Road) because Cass doesn't find him threatening, and Cassian doesn't need his sharp edges, or to make himself seem small in the way he does, too (I keep thinking of how those two Corpos talk about him in the bar in episode 1).

In the end, I think Cassian does believe he's not coming back. Whether because he won't last that long, or because he can't keep this reminder of life outside the dirty work of the Rebellion without the contrast hurting too much/compromising the armour he needs to do his work. And yes, a lot of this comes from pondering Cinta's attitude to her and Vel's relationship - again, if I manage to write more, expect them to be there and that to be part of it. So while it becomes clear to Brasso that Cassian thinks he's not coming back - in a different way from all the previous 'not coming backs', I think that catches Brasso off-guard. Because I think Brasso...wants to believe he would be more honest about how he feels if he really could grasp the idea of it being the last time he sees Cassian. He'd go all in if it was his last chance to do so. But without time to prepare? I think he's made too much of being the one who can let Cassian go (cf. Bix - he's always leaving) and that that's what lets him keep coming back. If you never give something a beginning how can you give it an ending?

A question I find myself confronted with regularly, 50k words in and utterly lost. Stay tuned?

[rekishi-aka]

⭐️ for the Director's Cut ask game

Thank you anon!

I finally have time for this and I thought about it, because I have lots of things I want to talk about - also from fics I haven't even posted (yet?). But I want to talk about something from The Long Thoughtfulness of Night

"Let me protect you sometimes," he added and let his hand fall away from Wei Ying's face, even though he wanted to wrap him up and never let go. "But Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said with a strained laugh as he turned back towards him, "you protect me all the time!" Just not when it really counted. It was uncharitable, and Lan Wangji pushed the bitter thought away. He had accepted Wei Ying's decision not to come back, after all. Keeping his voice even, he said instead, "I would do it more often." Those must have been the wrong words, because Wei Ying's expression turned serious. At least he had yet to let go of his hand. "Lan Zhan, I don't want to ruin your reputation. Last night you burned almost all your bridges. I don't want you to do that, not for me." What had that reputation ever done for him, Lan Wangji wondered. When was the last time he had cared for it? That Lan Wangji was harbouring Wei Wing was tarnishing his reputation. That Lan Wangji was touching Wei Ying like this, when his feelings ran so deeply, was inappropriate. He was beyond caring though, and xiongzhang had not even assigned Wei Ying separate quarters — even though, from a political point of view, agreeing to this was at best unwise. "It is my decision." He shook his head and when their eyes met and locked, something swooped and pricked in his chest. He took a breath. "I will walk with Wei Ying on the single plank road into the night." He had said the same words last night, echoing Wei Ying from the last time they had spoken before the siege of Nightless City. Unlike last night though, it failed to make Wei Ying laugh in relief. Instead, he stared at him, lips slightly parted and muscles tense. Lan Wangji could only return his gaze and try to smile, even as his heart clenched painfully in his chest just like this morning when he had watched him lie unconscious. He wanted... many things. "Lan Zhan." Wei Ying licked his lips and something had shifted in his expression. Relief? Joy? "How long?" The words were so innocuous. How long had Lan Wangji been loyal to Wei Ying? How long had he wanted to protect him? But the question in his eyes was a different one, and Wei Ying was right that they knew each other. How long had Lan Wangji felt for him this way? The answer was easy. "Long enough."

This was my first foray into The Untamed fic, which I needed to get a handle of (do I still have 72k unedited? yes. I even have title for that one! anyway, moving on).

I didn't want to (for reasons of more or less hitting the tone of the show) voice the feelings outright. But LWJ is so tired of it all and he has WWX back after sixteen years or them being separated by death and he has grieved and raised their son and kept grieving despite everything. He wants WWX in his life, and he doesn't care about his own reputation, although he has to. Because part of their safety hinges in LWJ's reputation and on the protection of his brother.

WWX is more than aware of this. Both, because he tarnished his own reputation pretty well, but also because of the precarious position he was in in his first life and is now. If the sect leaders had gotten their way the night before, he would be dead. LWJ protected him, and he knows - at least in this fic - at this point that he loves LWJ.

And they never would have voiced their feelings outright (and couldn't in the show for censorship reasons anyway). So both of them need some plausible deniability in this scene and I'm so proud that I managed that here.

At the same time, I remember writing this a few years ago, in the throes of the pandemic, I posted this January 2021. Writing was one of the things that still worked for me at the time and it was such a weird feeling back then, sort of dreamy, sort of feverish (I didn't have covid), trying to find the right path and the right words early mornings and late evenings while pushing work forward, and...yeah.

It was a weird period, but I loved writing this fic so much. Is still do. It's hopeful, it's quiet, it gives the characters what they want but doesn't absolve them from putting in the time and the energy, but it gives them a reprieve.

And it also introduced me to Chinese poetry, which is a perfect source for titles for C-Drama fic. (God I really need to finish that last one, it will otherwise be haunting me one day.)

Thank you for the ask!

[charlietheepicwriter7]

Director Commentary on the Komeada reveal? ;)

YES! *super excited*

So, it's pretty obvious that I was intending for Kaede to be Makoto and Togami's adopted daughter. And Shuichi was still going to be super upset about her keeping things a secret, but it's more so that she knew more about the killing games than she told him.

And then I thought... that's not a good enough excuse. This needs to be a secret that breaks Shuichi's trust in her. So I went the exact opposite way.

There were people in the comments who thought she'd be Junko's daughter, or Sonia's daughter, and while that is creative, it breaks my established timeline I have for the Tragedy. The NDRV3 crew was during the Tragedy, and I doubt any of the ladies, Junko included, could keep themselves from terminating the pregnancy while in despair.

Kaede's twin sister, Kaori, was actually adopted by Hagakure and his wife, completely separate from Kaede, and the two only discover this by accident when they are eleven.

If and when Kaede mentions her cousins, she means the kids of Class 77.

I actually have a draft of how Hajime and Nagito adopted Kaede written down, but since it contains mild spoilers, I'm not going to write it for a while. Let's just say acquisition was entirely Nagito's fault, but the reason why they keep Kaede comes from Ibuki.

[gerec]

⭐Star!⭐

Oh thanks for giving me a chance to talk about An End Comes to All Good Things!

I recently got a new comment on this story, which reminded me how much I enjoyed writing it and how proud I am of my writing here - imo it's one of my strongest works. I love writing / reading 'getting together' fics, but I also REALLY wanted to write a break up one that wasn't necessarily about the beach divorce, so I came up with the idea for this fic and it's turned into a personal favorite. It doesn't have as much as reach as some of my other fics (understandable given the subject matter of Charles and Erik breaking up, and Erik cheating on Charles) but I'm always hopeful more people will give it a chance :D

Anyway, I keep thinking about a time skip forward from the ending of this story, where Charles finally packs up and leaves and Erik moves on (and in) with Shaw. I'm not really interested in the obvious follow up plot points - i.e. With Erik, where we watch him slowly realize what a mistake it was to fall for Shaw and get involved with him regardless of his feelings for Charles, and then the inevitable fallout where Shaw kicks him out of the firm and he's left with nothing. And with Charles, where we watch him run away to another country and take a job at Oxford U so he doesn't have to ever deal with seeing/running into Erik, and just losing himself to alcohol and bad choices. What actually interests me the most is writing them slowly climbing their way out of rock bottom and coming to terms with their respective mistakes and shortcomings, and healing and moving forward. THEN bringing them together again and exploring what happens - have the ugly feelings from that fallout really gone away? What about the love they used to share? Can they ever learn to trust each other again? Are they better off apart, even if they learn to forgive each other? Maybe sometimes, things are irrevocably broken and can't be fixed no matter how hard you try...

Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut

[specialshinytrinkets]

Daniel: 🍩

Seven Seven: 🍀

Seraphet: ✂️

Candy Raptor: 🧠

^w^!!

🍩 - Who is Daniel's arch-nemesis/rival?

Daniel: I don't have arch-nemeses. My life is already hectic enough. Unless you count my government, but it is against me, not the other way around.

🍀 - What originally inspired Seven Seven?

This color palette!

And the fact that 7 is perfect suit collar material lol. And characters from children shows with seemingly silly superpowers that can bend reality (Umizumi I'm talking about you)

✂️ - What is one of Seraphet's worst memories?

Seraphet, physically aged 9: Hmmm... When I was eight, I really, really wanted a doggy, but my Dads didn't allow it, cuz "Messire lets you pat his dog", and "we already have Behemoth bringing in dirt and soot", and all that. So one time I saw this hellhound and I tried to pet it — it was on a leash, I thought it'd be fine — but it bit me! It hurt a lot and I cried.

Aged 17: I guess the worst time I've had was when I ran away from home at 14. I was in my rebellious phase, and it's hard to have a rebellious phase when your parents figure out solution for anything. So in the moment, I thought... Why not run away to Heaven? I really wanted to make sure Dads knew why I was leaving, so... I don't know why I told them that. I was mad attached and didn't realise. At least they didn't worry as much? Either way, I went to Uncle Samael, and he got Gabriel to get me up. And that gave me an advantage, cuz he gave me permission to be There. Otherwise I would die. But I still struggled from headaches and sore muscles, because the magic inside of me was suppressed. So I couldn't really do as much as other angels could. And I got really homesick. In the end, I lasted a week and ran back home in tears. I guess the only good thing was the Archangels telling me about Dad. Most of it I already knew, but, y'know, it was nice to hear they cared about him.

Aged 37: ... I knew this boy, when I first visited Moscow. He was a sweet kid. We played a lot and I managed to convince him that I, Dads, Behemoth, Hella and Messire were imaginary, so he didn't tell anybody else about us. I visited him every time I had the chance to. I watched him grow old, forget me... Last time I saw him, he was in his bed, barely moving. The day I stayed nearby. I held his hand. His old, bony, veiny, covered in moles, colored of clay... He went cold at night. I wished so much Samael would take him. But Gabriel came instead. And so, he said last goodbye... I cried a lot that night, holding his lonely hand.

🧠 - What do you like most about Candy Raptor?

The fact he pushed me out of my comfort zone!! I made it my goal to make an eyestrobingly bright OC, and while he's a lot more pastel than I envisioned, it's still a success to me!! And he's just a very simple guy based on me nibbling chocolate so there's that lol

[mandalorianbrainweasel]

Would you be willing to do a directors cut on your story Log Report? I remember reading it for the first time and it was so interesting!!! With Kix and Hardcase having been on track to be commandos and how other clone troopers viewed the commandos, it grabbed my brain and ran off with it!

Log Report!!! Yes I love my commando drop outs. I’d had thoughts about Kix being a commando drop out as far back as before TCW Season 7 aired. Hardcase was a bit different: he’s one of the clones that has explicitly referred to having a designated trainer! In legends, only the commandos had designated trainers—the others were said to be flash training and sims only iirc. Do I agree with this? Nah. But I also decided there should be a difference between designated trainers and general trainers.

Kix’s trainer was obviously Doctor Mij Gilamar, my favorite CVD member. I figure he trained a lot of the medics anyways.

I decided to make Hardcase’s trainer Fenn Rau for a couple reasons. One) Hardcase is a Kiwi nickname iirc, and thanks to Jango I associate the Kiwi accent more with Concord Dawn and 2) Hardcase is really good at piloting and of the Concord Dawn confirmed trainers Fenn is the pilot.

I really wanted them to kinda be. Not at odds with the other clones, but for it to be something that when revealed made them at odds. In Legends it’s usually the commandos who have issues but not all of them. It’s not something either of them regret, either doing or leaving. Or they didn’t, anyway. And then the story took over.

[abubblingcandle]

⭐ ⭐ ⭐

So this is going to be more of a stream of conciousness about a potential upcoming fic than a directors cut of an existing fic BUT here we go.

Cause I am contemplating doing Febuwhump if I finish whumptober in the next month to encourage myself to keep working on my whumpy multichapters and cause I work better with challenges. On the Febuwhump list is Time Loop. Now I have wanted to write a time loop for ages but have never settled on an idea I think that I could see through enough bad times itterations ... until today. And that is a Strike Back S6 Ep8 Time Loop (putting the rest under the cut incase people don't want spoilers)

For me there needs to be three things for an effective time loop:

Something that is initially obvious as the "thing that needs to be fixed"

Multiple different ways that could be fixed

Things that could go to shit around that central thing

And if you focus in on Saving Will Jensen's Life then there's so much to play with in that shitshow of a day. That's the concept of this fic - Gracie Novin wakes up in Jensen's hospital room as he sleeps ... but she's already lived this, Jensen is dead at the hands of their boss and the terrorist threat is resolved. Then she finds out it isn't and she's living that fateful day again. Novin believes that in whatever fever dream this is she needs to save Jensen but that's not the whole story. Like in one loop she keeps Jensen in the hospital but not having him on the comms for Mac and Wyatt his unintended consequences on their mission etc.

So yeah, that's my idea that I wanted to talk about from today 🙈

[music-class-quotes]

cellist: how do we know if we've made pit? band director: have you been told that you didn't? cellist: no band director: then congrats you made it in

[herblacktights]

director’s commentary on little beast!

omg thank you so much for asking. so little beast was originally going to be a long one-shot that was just about em finally hooking up, with a vague gesture toward the future. but once i started writing the intricacies of their dynamic, i got really fixated on giving them a real happy ending. it felt like they deserved it.

originally i was planning a way more in depth plot with kenny ackerman -- namely that he was also responsible for the death of mikasa's parents and that was related to levi taking her and eren in. but once i got toward the end, i realized i really wanted to focus on just eren and mikasa.

in my original version of the first chapter, they just kissed when he found her in his bed. this version kind of worked, but i could tell there was something i was holding back. when i changed it to him catching her masturbating, that's when the story really got going and turned into what it is today. before that, i was really stumped. another good reason why you should go with your first instinct!

also a lot of details about lb!eren come from my bf's high school sketch-head days lmao. mostly the stuff about smoking weed and doing stupid stuff with his friends. he is a very nice man now so i'm glad i can use his experience. :)

[ridiasfangirlings]

For the fanfic writer ask: I had just realized you wrote a sarumi fic I enjoyed several years ago on a binge lol. In "Make a Shadow", what does Fushimi's soulmate tattoo look like? I kept reading the description in the story but somehow it's difficult for me to imagine. I've always wondered what it looked like though. Thanks for writing it, by the way! It was a fun read.

I did this really quickly but I imagined it as something like this:

[afterdeck-ace]

"It's an endless, aimless tale of laughter"

[bropunzeling]

dvd commentary of your favorite scene in the girl!leon verse, AND/OR, any of the ducklings frat au from sonny milano's pov

ok in trying to pick a scene that was not. literally just pornography (lmao) i have selected the party at rob's, featuring the one and only captain brady

Leon sticks pretty close to Connor’s heels as they walk through the living room, nodding to guys she doesn’t know, chatting briefly with the ones she does. The one thing about being a little late to the party—and the drinking—is that everyone seems to accept her presence without question. All most of them want to talk about is whether they’ll be around next week or heading home; if they’re going to the lake at all before they have to report to camp. Leon nods her way through, but spends most of her time with her head on a swivel, on the lookout for broad shoulders and curly hair. [i have noticed that like. i love to have a scene of people going to parties and being on the lookout for someone else. it's just an emotion i associate really strongly with being twenty-something and pining and horny and having lots of big feelings. it's also good i think for like, showcasing the loneliness that comes with being in a crowd. i also liked this part because it's a little moment of like, Leon is part of this scene and this league, but also a bit a part from it. she's not someone who trains with scary gary, she's not someone who is going to be doing small talk with these people, and part of that is personality, and part of it is feelings, but also part of it is that boy's club vibe, you know?]

Eventually she gives up on staying inside. It’s too warm, has too many people she isn’t really interested in talking to. She leaves Connor with Zach, [i kept meaning to put more zach in because it seems like they're buddies! which was something i found out late in the process. sorry zach. see ya next time.] who they found by the table with the chips and dip, and heads out towards the patio. There’s still plenty of people in the back, but at least she’s outside, and there’s a bit more air, and she can grab another beer.

“Hey!”

Leon turns around, only to find herself facing Brady Tkachuk, double fisting a pair of Molsons. Brady Tkachuk, who’s smiling genially at her with an expression that makes him look unflatteringly like a cross between a chimpanzee and a baby [i know i say every joke is my favorite joke, but this may be my favorite joke. sorry brady. love you brady.] . Brady Tkachuk, who she’s only encountered sparingly, mostly when she’s trying not to get bulldozed by him and get the puck out to Connor or Kailer. [he is SUCH a wrecking ball lmao] Brady Tkachuk, who has no idea that she was fucking his brother for two and a half years. Or at least, she hopes so. [okay so my personal head canon (which, i guess it's my fic, so it's canon?) is that brady has suspected that matthew like. has had SOME sort of secret romantic thING going on, just because like, matthew is good at keeping secrets but also brady is his brother and like, matthew has had a LOT of feelings going on that will come out. but brady figured it was some normie and matthew wasn't telling him because he'd only want to say if it was ~something serious~.]

“Draisaitl! Didn’t expect to see you here,” Brady says, beaming at her.

“Uh,” Leon says intelligently. “I was in town, and Connor. You know.”

“Gotcha,” Brady says. Damn, he’s tall. She’s going to get a crick in her neck trying to maintain eye contact. “Well, good to see you. Even if Matthew might kill me for talking to you; he complains about playing against you a lot.” [matthew: gotta keep my secret not-a-relationship secret, because i said i would, and it's casual. also matthew: god leon draisaitl is so fucking annoying and skilled and keeps scoring fucking hat tricks and is so hot ]

Leon tries valiantly not to choke on her own spit and barely succeeds. “Oh?” she manages to get out. [leon the bad liar appears again! any time she has a real feeling she can't keep it off her face]

Brady laughs. “Well, guess all that doesn’t matter now. He'll have to hate Stammer instead.” He takes a sip of one of his beers, then continues, “Okay, so I know this is random, but do you mind giving me your number?”

Leon stares at him as her mind whirs, trying to catch up. “What?”

“Well, Jimmy Stu—sorry. Timmy, you know, Timmy Stützle?” Brady’s broad accent mangles the poor kid’s name; Leon winces, but he doesn’t notice. “He’s a huge fan of yours. Literally will not shut up about you, it’s kind of embarrassing—but he’d totally die if I gave him your number.” [timmy stu absolutely has an idiotic and horrible crush on leon that he will get over when he actually spends a weekend with her. timmy stu ALSO has an idiotic and horrible crush on his own captain that he will not be getting over any time soon.]

Leon has a fuzzy memory of watching the 2020 Draft and texting her dad about the kid from Germany who also went third. She knows she’s played against Stützle, obviously, but clearly his face hadn’t stuck with her. Doesn’t matter. She can be nice. “Yeah,” she replies. “Yeah, that’s—I can do that.” [i think one of the things i liked playing with here is leon being a mentor/leader -- obviously she has that with Kailer and her other teammates; in the secret future i have not written she definitely has this with rookies on her future team (esp esp if they're also girls in the league); she wants to be able to pay things forward, especially for people she feels similar to in terms of not being offered the same kind of respect and deference as other players]

“Sweet.” Brady beams at her again; Leon’s still reminded of monkeys, but in a more endearing way. [there is a line in an eva ibbotson book that describes someone's smile as a mix between an angel saying, behold! and a monkey offering someone a nut. anyways. i think about that in relation to brady] Maybe Matthew was right when he said Brady grows on people. “Thanks, Drai. I know it’ll mean a lot to him.”

“Leon,” Leon says, as she accepts the phone Brady manages to pull out without spilling his beers and starts typing in her number. “Just call me Leon.” [one thing that was fun to play with in this fic (less apparent right here but) was nicknames! obviously we now know that "only my friends call me drai" but for this version of leon, i liked having a team nickname (leo) and a family nickname (leonie) and what opponents call her (draisaitl) and then what matthew calls her (leon)]

“Leon it is.”

“Here you go.” Leon hands back his phone, then takes a sip of her own beer. She’s starting to get nervous again, which isn’t ideal. Maybe another sip will help. “Tell him I’m happy to talk.” A third sip. “Oh, and congratulations,” she adds. “On the engagement, I mean.” [god the engagement really was so perfect for this story. thank u brady for ur contributions to the narrative]

“Thank you,” Brady replies. He’s so fucking smiley; she wonders if his face has ever gotten stuck that way. "We're really excited to celebrate with everyone, you know?”

“Sure,” Leon says. She takes another sip of mediocre beer, but it doesn't make her feel better [listen. i just know in my heart that leon is a total beer snob in each and every universe, but in the way of like, she's still gonna DRINK it, she'll just complain about it.]. Brady takes her engagement comment as permission to tell her all about it.

It strikes her, as Brady starts talking about wedding planning and she nods along, that if she and Matthew were still whatever they were[she still can't say they were in a relationship yet because she is TOO NERVOUSE], if Leon hadn’t ruined everything, she already would’ve known everything Brady’s going to say. She would’ve heard about the proposal, the ring, the date, the venue options. She would’ve heard Matthew complaining about how it’s the only thing anyone will talk about, even though it’s only been a few weeks since Brady popped the question. She would’ve had a hundred texts on her phone and laughed at each one while being secretly grateful that Kim’s years away from her own wedding. The whole thing would’ve been funny, rather than jarring a sore spot between her ribs.

If she hadn’t fucked things up so badly, she might have even ended up on the fucking guest list. [leon does go to the wedding. she wears a suit. she gets trapped in conversation with some of matthew's aunts and great-aunts and various shirt-tail relatives and has to beg for freedom by staring desperately at matthew in the receiving line. half the nhl player guests aren't really sure why she's there. timmy knows, which is good, because she's seated at the sens table. taryn makes her do the macarena and then she and matthew have a lot of bubbly and sneak away to go make out.]

Jesus, she needs to get over herself.

Leon manages to check back into the conversation when Brady’s voice changes, and he waves so enthusiastically with one of his beers that she has to dodge to the side to avoid being showered in shitty Canadian lager. “Over here!” he calls, loud enough to make her ears hurt.

“Chill out, Brades,” says a familiar voice, and oh fuck, oh fuck.

She turns, and sees Matthew for the first time since they were shaking hands in the Saddledome. It steals the air out of her lungs. [hahaha girl u r so FUCKED]

Fuck, she thought she was ready. [this is obviously reflecting a motif in the previous chapter, but i think also like, isn't that so universal? you think you've managed to figure out your own feelings, figured out the logical way to get through them and react exactly how you want, and then it's like NOPE] But as she takes Matthew in—still tall enough that she has to tilt her chin to maintain eye contact, still broad, still horribly handsome—she has to admit she absolutely wasn’t. Maybe it’s yet another sign of how she hasn’t been thinking straight, but she wasn’t prepared to see Matthew and immediately want to have his skin under her palms again, to feel him laugh against her mouth. To have so much longing hit her in the gut that she can’t do anything but stare.

Judging by Matthew’s wide-eyed expression, he’s equally at sea. So that’s—that’s something, at least. [hahahaha boy u r so FUCKED] [genuinely though matthew is like, truly freaking the fuck out here. he also has been trying to get over leon, and has been kidding himself that he's succeeding at it (he reacted sooooo normally when she called him out of the blue! he did the emotionally responsible thing! he's taking care of himself and going to florida and gonna be Just Fine) and now here she is to prove that he hasn't. and even worse, she is standing next to his brother, the person who maybe knows him best after his mom.]

“Hey,” Brady’s saying, which snaps Leon back to the present, as he wraps an arm around Matthew’s shoulders and shakes him slightly. “I was just telling Leon about the wedding stuff.”

“I—oh,” Matthew says, and Leon really knows she’s fucked now, because even hearing him say that much makes her palms sweat. “Like you haven’t been doing that every day since you proposed,” he chirps weakly. [brady loves love, god, matthew is SUCH a cynic]

“Rude, Matty,” Brady says. His eyes flick between them and his forehead creases; Leon hadn’t wagered that Brady would be all that perceptive, but clearly she’d be losing money right now if she had. [the shoe has dropped for brady that there may in fact be a connection between "matthew almost definitely has some kind of secret situationship that he isn't telling me about" and "matthew did not shut up about leon draisaitl during most of the bubble season"] “Here, you can have this,” he says, pressing one of his beers into Matthew’s hand. “I’m gonna go find some food. You good if I leave you together? I mean, it’s not like you’re rivals anymore.” [obviously captain brady can tell when he's gotta give people can space! genuinely tho i think brady while bombastic and a big personality also obviously clearly has a pretty fine-tuned people sense]

“We’ll be fine,” Matthew says, still staring at Leon [he is soOoOoOo into her. he absolutely has not gotten over her but has told himself that, like a liar. rip]. Leon nods in agreement.

“Cool.” Brady nods, then gives Leon one last grin. “Nice talking to you, Leon.”

“You too,” Leon manages, and then it’s just the two of them. [:))))))))]

[istadris]

⭐

Could have used a specific fic ToT

Let's go with Bend or Break, and something that I pointed out in the notes but maybe it wasn't noticeable :

“Come closer.”

The human didn’t move from his spot.

Bowser narrowed his eyes.

“I won’t ask again.”

The human relented, slowly climbing the steps toward the thrones, his hands clutched to his chest, his shoulders hunched, trembling more and more with each step, until he stopped on the last one, his eyes downcast and closed as if expecting to be torched on the spot if he breathed in the wrong direction.

Then,

“Come closer.”

This time, the human obeyed right away, stepping forward as if in a daze, his haunted eyes fixed to the ground, until he was standing right in front of Bowser.

Then,

“Now leave. Take some rest.”

This time, the human hesitated before moving.

With each reiteration of the order, Luigi's and reluctance to approach Bowser is eroding : first trying to disobey the order and only following it out of fear; then obeying it out of reflex (because not obeying it means Threat, Pain; Luigi is barely holding it together and he's starting to bend so he can avoid the Pain); then resisting the order again, but this time because Bowser has proven to be a Comfort he's afraid to leave.

But there's also non-verbal orders through touch : Bowser pulls Luigi closer when he has his breakdown (and Luigi manages to pull away for a bit when he stops crying, but can't break free of Bowser's hold), holds up his chin, caresses him, breaks the touch. He's been leading the encounter the whole time, and in time Luigi will come to associate his touch with safety and comfort, and obedience with happiness.

*

ask for the “director’s commentary” on a particular story

[gerec]

Director's cut for Legacy of Sin and in particular for the character of Jacob whom I personally adore. Then there are two other fics of yours that I'm particularly fond of: namely Trust Me (At Your Own Peril) and Wicked Vice, Secret Indulgence.

Okay you're going to get sick of me talking about my fics lol!

For Legacy of Sin:

Okay so while Shinobi is obsessed and Wanda is conflicted, Jacob is just a bad, bad, bad seed lol. I considered writing some redemptive qualities in him for about a hot minute and immediately decided against it. He's much more interesting as a true foil for Erik and Shinobi (and Wanda to a lesser extent) now that Shaw is gone, and he's going to cause a lot of trouble for the family in the coming days. I'm undecided at this point whether I want to kill him off and who would do the deed (maybe Erik for maximum angst, because he's forced to choose between Jacob or saving his other children).

For Trust Me (At Your Own Peril):

Imagine the bright and eager Charles in XMFC and even XMA but not knowing that underneath, he's actually a power hungry, megalomaniacal mutant supremacist who freely uses his powers to manipulate people and situations while putting on that wise 'Professor' facade for the world to see - that's the Charles in this fic. And Erik slowly falling for that image of Charles not realizing he's entirely under the man's spell without a shred of telepathic manipulation required. :D

For Wicked Vice, Secret Indulgence:

Just an excuse for dirtybadpornz LOL. I'm sure I'll eventually write that 'party' scene Stryker mentions in the first chapter for all his human allies and I'll put Erik through the absolute wringer :D But before then, I might introduce Victor Creed as another of Stryker's employees that he brings in to 'train' Erik on his stamina...

Thanks for your ask, darling!

Fanfic Writers: Director’s Cut

[kuradoberijam]

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Five stars for a five star writer whose head I'm dying to see the insides of!

To make things fair i’m going to be showcasing old fics for this ask meme as well and decided to go for a classic so here’s one part of Bury the Hatchet I still like.



While the grammar is off for sure, the reason I am still very much proud of this part is because I love getting to write Jin sinking further and further into his own delusion. I wanted so desperately to be able to nail down that excitement and that disappointment all at once. 

He’s excited because now he thinks Ragna finally sees him. Finally understands, but he’s disappointed because every single display of weakness Jin has been taught to hate is exemplified in Ragna sparing him.

Jin slowly has to come to terms with the fact that his brother isn’t as strong as he thought and it kills him because the longer the both of them stall on fighting to the death the more Jin will have to eventually accept that Ragna never understood him in the first place and that all of his assumptions were a lie he created in his own head to protect himself.

Every other month I say I’m going to rewrite this fic and every time I end up accidentally proving myself to be a goddamn liar. But if someone help me accountable I absolutely would rewrite this fic because it holds a special place in my heart.