you remind me of a time i wish i could go back to; a time in which i would obsessively read and keep reading about anything that interested me slightly. i would stumble into entirely new ways of thinking with all the delicacy of a bull in a china shop, and learn to engage with it on its own terms. the ability got lost somewhere in the haze that was school and uni and people and work and now i’ve… lost the ability to think on my own. it comes maybe twice a month, in random bursts, and i fucking hate that i don’t have access to it continuously anymore. i hate that now when i’m bored i can’t think up stories in my head and chew on ideas in my free time. i see you and i’m so happy and so envious; i wish for my thirst for life back. i’m so tired. i’m saying this to you because, of all people, might be able to see it clearly. i respect the fact that you managed to retain it to adulthood or beyond is so much. you don’t know how much that means to me, as a young adult.
If it helps, I don't read nearly as much as I did as a kiddo. Like, not even remotely close. Quite frankly, I've only recently gotten back into reading lit, after years of only reading comics and manga, and not nearly at the volume I did before.
But! There are all sorts of opportunities to engage with stories and ideas and reconnect the synapses that spit where they used to spark. Once, in the throes of a heavy and prolonged period of uncertainty, I was gripped by the color of spray paint on the sidewalk on the way to pick up an espresso while sleep deprived. I consciously chose to stop and appreciate it.
Which is to say, I also get exhausted and burnt out and go through periods where I wonder if I've lost some fundamental part of myself. But then I rest or I change my routine or I receive an affirmation I didn't realize I desperately needed, and my verve returns, as it does. I think having pediatric onset bipolar disorder has advantaged me in this regard because even when I feel like nothing, I know that the intensity will return, and that it will continue to ebb and flow like the tides. I used to dread the ebb, but the ebb has its own value, too; in the ebb is where I nurture roots.
But to my earlier point, there are lots of stories and ideas buried in all sorts of moments. We can imbue meaning in the things we do as an observed ritual until it becomes habit until it becomes sincere. And for the periods in which we can't, it's worth remembering that the winter solstice is the longest evening of the year, but the sun will come back because it always has. In the meantime, you can stoke a hearth and sip on coaxed together warmth while tucking into your memory this grief so that you will recognize what you've been missing when it returns, so that feeling excited is remarkable enough to cut the present ennui. In time, you'll start to feel substance in the contours of the grief, too, because to be exhausted and numb and tired means that you exist enough to be anything at all.
And, if you're too untethered from yourself for even that, find something mundane and look for a glimmer of anything worth observing. If you can't find anything, choose to give some facet of what you see meaning anyway.
(It's not that the sidewalk was purple. It's that I chose to see that it was that particular, beautiful shade of purple rather than remain adrift into my own ether and, in doing so, tethered my intangible enormity in something tangible enough for me to stoke while I weathered the season.)
If you practice enough, this becomes muscle memory. Same with thinking on your own. I don't think reading is ever enough on its own anyway; sometimes, we mirror ideas and mistake them for our own. Or we encounter ideas but don't allow ourselves to be changed by them.
It's why it's important to engage intentionally, and it doesn't have to be with text. It can be with movies, art, those around us, our environment, our own understanding of the world, the condensation on a window. Mindfulness helps, but so does adopting the mindset of a toddler and asking why? Constantly. Again, it may begin as a rote exercise, but the more you do it, the more it becomes muscle memory. If you think you know something, consciously stop and ask why? Where did you learn that? What assumptions does your conclusion rely on? Could there be another explanation? Pretend you're someone else for a moment, a favorite character or historical figure or loved one. What would they think given the same facts? Also important is saying, like a toddler, because I said so! as the only reason you need. Try things for the sake of having not tried them before. There's a reason why Lao Tzu advises being like a newborn baby, soft boned with a strong grip.
There's very little I do, read, watch, or consume that I don't think about applying elsewhere, too. This is sometimes exhausting. But it's also where I get my well of passion. Because there's always an opportunity for meaning, my life bursts with it.
This doesn't mean I don't still have rough weeks or months or years. I have bipolar, adhd, cptsd, and social phobia; I have frequent insomnia and sleep paralysis, etc. etc. But I look forward to what I might learn next, and there's purpose and intention to how I experience even my lows. The life I'm currently living is so unlike where I came from, in part because I decided I wanted meaning and purpose. Before I knew what that was supposed to look like, I picked a direction and strove for it, feeling out what I couldn't see. I still do, when necessary. It will always be necessary.
So, while I don't know if what works for me will work for you, I can promise that something will excite you again, eventually. Adulthood isn't a linear decline or a separation from yourself. It's variable and dynamic, and you have agency in what you do with that. There isn't any objective meaning or purpose to be assigned, so you get to choose it for yourself, and it can be as variable and dynamic as you need it to be. So, if you don't want to grow into someone who can't think on your own, you don't have to. If you don't like your current state of mind, you don't need to settle in it.
tl;dr: It's not what I've retained, it's that I've ebbed and flowed and changed, and given myself the space to clumsily stumble towards what I want and what I value, even if I'm not always sure what those are. I'm letting go of the construct that I have to be anything, and I emphatically choose not to be lots of things. It's a process, and it's nonlinear. But nothing is, and there's grace in the inevitably of ebb.
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Supplements - Health
Pineal XT: A Gateway to Enhanced Wellbeing and Limitless Earning Potential - My Personal Experience
For years, I struggled with a nagging feeling of stagnancy. My health wasn't terrible, but it wasn't optimal either. I felt sluggish, unfocused, and lacked the drive to truly push myself further in both my personal and professional life. Then, I discovered the life-changing combination of Unlock Earnings! and Pineal XT.
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Supercharge Your Income and Wellbeing with Unlock Earnings and Pineal XT!
Having recently embarked on a journey to improve both my financial security and overall health, I've been thrilled to disc... Draft 2
Supercharge Your Income and Wellbeing with Unlock Earnings and Pineal XT!
Having recently embarked on a journey to improve both my financial security and overall health, I've been thrilled to discover the incredible impact of Unlock Earnings! and Pineal XT. Let me share my experience with these life-changing products!
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For years, I struggled with maintaining a healthy balance between my physical and financial well-being. I felt sluggish, lacked focus, and the constant financial pressure wasn't helping either. Then, I stumbled upon the life-changing combination of Pineal XT and the Unlock Earnings! program.
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Pineal XT: A Gateway to Enhanced Wellbeing and Limitless Earning Potential - My Personal Experience
For years, I struggled with a nagging feeling of stagnancy. My health wasn't terrible, but it wasn't optimal either. I felt sluggish, unfocused, and lacked the drive to truly push myself further in both my personal and professional life. Then, I discovered the life-changing combination of Unlock Earnings! and Pineal XT.
Unlocking a Sharper Mind and a More Energized Body
I started with Unlock Earnings!. This comprehensive program provided invaluable guidance on health and wellness optimization. The easy-to-follow tips on nutrition, sleep hygiene, and stress management were a revelation. I learned how to make small but impactful changes to my daily routine, and within a few weeks, I noticed a significant difference. My mornings were brighter, my energy levels soared, and I felt a newfound mental clarity.
Introducing Pineal XT: A Supercharge for Cognitive Function
Fueled by the positive changes brought on by Unlock Earnings!, I decided to explore the Pineal XT supplement. This natural, scientifically formulated product specifically targets cognitive function. The results were nothing short of phenomenal. My brain fog vanished, replaced by a razor-sharp focus. I could concentrate for extended periods, recall information with ease, and felt a surge of creativity I hadn't experienced in years.
Enhanced Wellbeing: A Catalyst for Limitless Earning Potential
The newfound vitality I gained from Unlock Earnings! and Pineal XT had a profound impact on my professional life. My improved focus and mental stamina allowed me to tackle complex tasks with greater efficiency. My ability to learn and adapt to new situations skyrocketed. This newfound confidence translated into tangible results, leading to increased productivity and a significant boost in my earning potential.
More Than Just Supplements: A Holistic Approach to Success
Unlock Earnings! and Pineal XT are more than just supplements; they're an investment in your overall wellbeing. The program's holistic approach, coupled with the powerful cognitive boost provided by Pineal XT, has empowered me to reach new heights in all aspects of my life. I now wake up each day feeling excited and energized, ready to conquer whatever challenges come my way.
A Recommendation from a Satisfied User
If you're looking to unlock your full potential, both physically and mentally, I wholeheartedly recommend giving Unlock Earnings! and Pineal XT a try. This dynamic duo has been a game-changer for me, and I'm confident it can be for you too.
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