#dispirited

[tenth-sentence]

In his late twenties, brooding and dispirited, Galton consulted the London Phrenological Institution.

"In the Name of Eugenics: Genetics and the Uses of Human Heredity" - Daniel J. Kevles

[zu-is-here]

Dream & Reality

Flighteningverse by @dragon-tamer-1

Dream & Nightmare by jokublog

[vickyvicarious]

Last night the Count asked me in the suavest tones to write three letters, one saying that my work here was nearly done, and that I should start for home within a few days, another that I was starting on the next morning from the time of the letter, and the third that I had left the castle and arrived at Bistritz. I would fain have rebelled, but felt that in the present state of things it would be madness to quarrel openly with the Count whilst I am so absolutely in his power; and to refuse would be to excite his suspicion and to arouse his anger. He knows that I know too much, and that I must not live, lest I be dangerous to him; my only chance is to prolong my opportunities. Something may occur which will give me a chance to escape. I saw in his eyes something of that gathering wrath which was manifest when he hurled that fair woman from him. He explained to me that posts were few and uncertain, and that my writing now would ensure ease of mind to my friends; and he assured me with so much impressiveness that he would countermand the later letters, which would be held over at Bistritz until due time in case chance would admit of my prolonging my stay, that to oppose him would have been to create new suspicion. I therefore pretended to fall in with his views, and asked him what dates I should put on the letters.

Not to quote almost the entire entry at y'all, but... Last night, the Count asked this. So the evening of the same day that Jonathan viewed the broken doorframe and found absolute proof that his fears are indeed true, that his sanity is intact and the nightmare is real.

I made a somewhat premature post yesterday talking about how it was sad that Jonathan's words about "acting accordingly" with this confirmation are disproven or at least made very sad by the long gap following this entry. That it proves he can't think of any safe actions to take in the face of this increased threat, that he hardly even tries out of fear of making things even worse, and so his only possible action is to wait. But I'd somehow forgotten this entry happened immediately after, and it makes the buildup to that decision even worse.

First and most obviously, in that it gives Jonathan a definite timeline. (Well, as definite as can be, if you subscribe to him losing track of time - that would make things even worse for him.) On the one hand, he can presume that hopefully he will live that long, but on the other he's almost guaranteed not to live beyond that time, at least if circumstances don't change.

But also... last night. Jonathan didn't even get a single day to consider a new plan of action before he was forced into another tense moment of having to decide 'play along or not'. And he hesitates this time! This newest demand is so blatant and so huge that Jonathan almost breaks! This is apparent both in the "I would fain have rebelled..." line but also in the line following Jonathan's justifications for not rebelling in the end. I've bolded it above. Dracula starts to get angry.

Dracula started out this conversation in his "suavest tones." He usually gets extra charming when trying to get Jonathan to agree to some new restriction, so that's nothing new. And usually Jonathan plays it smart and goes along with it. He did now too, in the end. But he hesitated this time, probably wrestling back his fear and outrage long enough to think through all the reasons he gives above not to speak up. He waits long enough that Dracula starts to get mad. He knows Jonathan knows, and knows Jonathan knows he knows. That's been true since the beginning, and usually the layers of fear and knowledge are fun for Dracula to the point that he seems to savor them. But this time he saw that he had almost pushed too far too soon. He saw Jonathan teetering on the edge of ruining everything, of admitting the truth and forcing an end to this delicious anticipatory game, and he started to get pissed off about it. Sure, he carried on through the conversation, kept assuring "with much impressiveness" but the fact that he had to annoyed him greatly. He knows Jonathan knows, which means that Jonathan should know better. The whole fun is that he does know better usually. Dracula doesn't want this to end, was very firm just a couple days ago that he isn't done with his Jonathan yet; if Jonathan were to say "no" to him that would end it, and he would immediately take out his anger and frustration on him. (Dracula voice: "no one takes my Jonathan time away from me. I'd kill anyone who tried, even Jonathan himself!")

Jonathan is able to read the signs appropriately; and honestly, I think that he very definitively saves his life by agreeing. I think that if he had refused to write the letters, or even resisted a bit longer, he would have been a goner. I think that he is well aware of that too.

Dracula's violence threatened to turn on him today, more so than ever before. Immediately after Jonathan confirmed the Count is his only safety from the vampire ladies threatening him elsewhere in the castle, it almost ceased to matter as he nearly failed to adapt fast enough to avoid this threat. And then he has to salvage the situation, and he does, but the risk is so huge. The sense of barely-averted danger (death) so strong.

If Jonathan were in a different headspace, if he'd been given more time to prepare, maybe he would be able to sneak in some kind of cry for help into his letters. Sure, they're not going to be posted until the relevant dates so it might not matter anyway, but it would be worth a try and I think he would try. But right now? I'm not sure that he would have the ability to think clearly enough, filled with panicked adrenaline and fear as he must be. And Jonathan doesn't mention it, but I feel it quite likely that Dracula would insist on him writing the letters right then, under his watchful eye. Jonathan might be too afraid to push his luck enough to even try anything beyond using a different tone than usual (short, to the point, just what Dracula wants but nothing more).

And again, this is all right on the heels of confirming that he isn't safe anywhere here, not even when Dracula is gone. The Count is in fact keeping him safe from greater dangers. His enemies have quadrupled in number (at least, who knows if there are even more monsters here). They all have a variety of supernatural abilities he doesn't know how to counter. They want to drink his blood. He hasn't really had time to process any of this.

If he isn't safe when alone (except partially during daylight), then he can't explore freely. If they can move through windows and break doors, their strength and magical abilities mean he can't barricade himself away from them anywhere. If he displeases Dracula then he is lost. If he acts out he will displease Dracula. Even if he isn't setting his sights as high as escaping anymore, even if he only wants to learn more to record in his diary. Right now, Jonathan is having trouble thinking of a way to even do that much safely. As far as he can see, there's nothing he can do but wait for some kind of opportunity.

And he can only wait so long. He now knows the span of his life.

[goldfishpudding]

mn.

[nyoomerr]

i've gone this long without locking my ao3 account - i really, really do want my fics to be available to as many people as possible, and i do appreciate the anon/guest kudos and comments i receive - but it feels like every other month there's a new reason to consider locking all my fics up anyway ;w;

i'm going to keep it unlocked for now, still, but... idk. please, if you don't already have an ao3 account, sign up for one! it usually only takes a couple days to receive an invite after asking for one, and having an account lets you bookmark fics, create a marked for later list, and favorite tags to easily go back to them.

and, most critically, having an account will let you access the growing number of fics by authors that are scared of having their passion projects scraped by AI training tools, apps trying to turn a profit via ads, and tools of questionable faith like the one circulating now.

[maddie-grove]

Personally I think reworking one’s fanfic into original fiction and getting it published used to be the province of the grandiose and the shameless, but (after the first few of them made bank) it’s now the territory of the simple hustler. For better or worse, it’s an economically rational act.

[realkaijuhavecurves]

Are there cis men out there who value intellectual companionship and -exchange just as much as sex in a relationship with a woman? Or is it just a bit of spice, a plus but not a must? Are their minds constantly on the possibility of sex first and foremost?

Because, being on the same wavelength intellectually, valuing meaningful conversation on interesting topics is a prerequisite for me to experience any form of attraction towards a potential romantic partner. If the guy, for instance, asks me for my snap but isn't interested in the art of conversation, as it were, then I'm out. I want him to be just as, if not more, interested in my brain and my personality, as my body.

What I'm wondering is, do cis men like that who are attracted to women exist? Or are they all the undiscerning horndogs that people like Andrew Tate and evolutionary biologists claim they are?

[cloud-somersault]

Soul anon here

Just saying it would be the funniest fucking thing ever is you changed the chapter count on the epilouge and dropped one absolutely massive final chapter. I'd wait and then give a dissertation of a comment.

Speaking of, (this is gonna get ramble-y so please excuse how unstructured this is, and forgive any spellling errors because I'm on mobile)

Holy shit I love the epilogue so fucking much. We didn't see too much of Mac's thought process in Constellations but with the epilogue I feel like you've read my fucking mind.

Like Wukong getting to spend time with Mac in the here and now, wistfully thinking at the beach about how things could have been different as his attempt at a subtle apology for what he ruined vs Mac can't even daydrean of it because he lived through the cold harsh reality of death, how he can't ever forget what Wukong did to him and yes, granted Wuking was tortured, but it wasn't death. It wasn't near the amount of suffering that Mac went through and continues to go through. Mac taking Wukong's wistfullness of what could have been as an insult (which is how I see it but may not be what you intended) is extremely fitting and very compelling. Wukong is genuinely trying to reach out, knows Mac the best out of all the characters, and still doesn't see how it comes off is very insightful into his thought process. In my view, Wukong is coming a bit from a place of privilege, his punishment while harsh, does lead him to becoming a heroic legendary figure while Mac is...not really well known in the story of LMK itself.

So of course Mac is going to be angry when Wukong says what he does, Mac never got the chance to have a fraction of the peace, healing and resolution and respect that Wukong got. Adding in with a lot of the shit talk Wukong gives him in S1 and S3...how can Mac take the chance that Wuking actually means what he says? Wukong has burned Mac not just once, but verbally several times in the show and granted that in S3 Mac is very much trying to help the crew from the other side...man. and that's not including that Wukong deliberately went against Mac's wishes in regards to talking about heaven and asking about the curse being removed. As much as I get where Wukong is coming from and why, it still does show that Wukong can and will cross Mac's boundaries because he thinks he knows better. I'm not decrying Wukong's action to help as bad, merely that he IS disrespecting a boundary Mac made crystal clear. Wukong is really going to have to prove that he's got good intentions here, and I can't blame Mac for being distrustful.

All that said, I love the epilogue and everything it's doing. I am eating so GOOD with everyword!!

WOW thank you so much for this ask, it's beautiful 🥺💞💞 I love all your thoughts and insight into their relationship! You're right about practically everything LOL but there's some key things in this ask that I'd like to touch on.

In regard to Wukong's reminiscing being taken as an insult, Macaque absolutely took it as an insult. There was no sensitivity to how Macaque sees their past and his feelings about it after everything. Wukong was also pointing all that out to show how much he's changed, but in doing so, he revealed how much he changed, and Macaque's mad that Wukong didn't show restraint or mercy or anything when they were fighting.

Macaque has a hard time (with good reason) moving past that. He says himself that this is going to be a huge blockade to them becoming friends again. But he's trying, despite Wukong's failed attempts and insensitivity.

And Wukong really is trying to do everything he can to make Macaque see that he's different now, but he hasn't done enough thinking on how Macaque is feeling. And, granted, Macaque hides his feelings and isn't as open about them as Wukong is, so Wukong has to try his best to discern how Macaque feels. That's why he's taken to asking Macaque directly what he's thinking so he can get a clear answer (and also because he just wants to know).

The mention of Wukong coming from this place of privilege (ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON) is so important!! There is a fundamental lack of understanding of what Macaque went through. Wukong has never asked (because he's terrified of death) about Macaque's experience with death and he's never given Macaque a space to vent or sob or whatever he may need to do. Wukong isn't offering that comfort because of his fear. So it comes off to Macaque as him slightly not caring or just outright ignoring Macaque's feelings about the complications of death and resurrection.

Again, Wukong is denying things or turning a blind eye to them because he doesn't want to confront them. We saw him do this for various things in Constellations (Not saying Mei/Tang/Sandy/Pigsy's actual names, not mentioning Little Star or what happened to them, not thinking too hard about MK's origins, not thinking about his punishment, etc.) so this isn't new for him. There is a sort of lack of vulnerability on Wukong's account. Like, he's being honest and introspective and self-reflecting and voicing the results of his reflection, but he's only allowing himself to be a shoulder to cry on in some aspects. Which is fine, in general, but when it's about the SUPER BIG ISSUE THAT TORE HIM AND MACAQUE APART, he might need to do a listen. I dunno.

oh, also, when it comes to Macaque not having much of a story in comparison to Wukong, that's something I touch on later. Wukong does come from a place of privilege because of his journey and being given the chance to improve and change. Macaque wasn't given that chance. And Wukong is revered and worshiped and remembered, and Macaque is left in the dust. There's definitely resentment and envy and jealousy there, and Wukong needs to recognize that, too.

And Wukong breaking Macaque's boundaries -- this is going to be a point of contention continually in their relationship because Wukong just has this drive to fix things, to shoulder things on his own. He's operated on his own for so long, it's hard to unlearn that. He trusts in his own abilities because he's prevented catastrophe's and saved lives countless times just on his own.

And he believes without a doubt that he can save Macaque. He believes he can get rid of that curse. It's just another "Monkey King problem fixed" for him. And he's aware of Macaque's boundaries and he knows he should do better and communicate and respect them, but all that consideration goes out the window when it comes to Macaque's well-being. Because Wukong absolutely wants Macaque to be okay again. He wants to get rid of this curse so Macaque stops suffering.

And he actually truly does understand that this doesn't make up for him killing Macaque. Like, Wukong gets that, at least. He just doesn't like seeing his mate in pain. And if there's a way to fix it, he wants to find it. But Macaque has expressed his boundaries and he expects Wukong to respect them. This constant disrespect is not okay to him, because he's aware that things could go awry.

But that's just one facet of them getting to an okay-ish place. They've got their whole punishment and separation, they've got the curse and how to get rid of it, they've got training MK, they've got Little Star, they've go the monkeys of FFM, they've got residual feelings for each other. There's so much that goes into their relationship that trying to fix it is a huge mountain of issues that they have to tackle.

And that's why the epilogue is so long. Because it takes time to build trust and talk things out and apologize and make mistakes and share feelings. And as each chapter comes out, you can see subtle changes, you can see them take a step forward, but there's inevitably going to be times when they take steps backward.

progress isn't linear. and they've got a lot of baggage. but they decided to try together. they each have a want deep inside them to fix this. And whether that's because Wukong is alone and hurting and desperate for affection and love and friendship or if it's because Macaque is hurting and feeling unlovable and unwanted and teetering between two very different desires. They keep meeting up and going on walks together.

Because every step is important because it speaks to the effort being made. It speaks to the intent change things. It showcases a desire for improvement. They both want something to change on some level. And I think that story, is incredibly interesting. It's been really fun writing it out to see how everything unfolds.

[howifeltabouthim]

He went to the National Gallery, hoping to be somehow tranquilized by art, and devoted some time to two of his favourite paintings—The Fighting Temeraire and The Rokeby Venus—but they both made his spirits droop in different ways. They spoke of loss, he supposed. National pride, the soft naked flesh of a woman. Very different things, but both seemed equally out of his reach.

Kate Atkinson, from Death at the Sign of the Rook

[ragewrites]

@obsceneic showed me a lovely picture of two horses embracing...and we have a lot of foals playing by the river this year, so. well. hi hello <3

[greater-than-the-sword]

aaaaaand it's back to the "searing being dissolved from the inside" ones

[eldritchdyke]

I keep alternating thinking of putting together some intro to marxism + indigenous/anti imperialist thought for 'leftists' who might wanna put their money where their mouth is and become an actual socialist but then I see another completely nonsense post by some electoral political addled loser stanning the democrats and still calling themselves a 'leftist' and I just delete the whole thing cuz why bother

[naamahdarling]

.

[zeromorph]

okay I feel like my vet med posts are usually annoyed or stressed so here is an incomplete list of fond memories from work

the stray dog found across the street from my second internship, who came in trembling and shying away from anyone who looked at him, and became a different dog in the span of three hours--once we cooled him down, got a meal in him, and shaved out the most painful sections of matting, he was cuddling up to us. he got adopted by a friend of the person who found him and came back to us a few weeks later for vaccines with a proper haircut and wagging his tail on the way in.

the pit who took four people for an ear cleaning--one holding her hips, one holding her chest, one furiously rubbing her face to distract her, and one doing the actual ear cleaning--not because she was aggressive or hated having her ears touched but because she was so overwhelmingly excited to meet new people that she could not stop wiggling. like, whole-body, bang-her-hips-into-your-legs wiggling. while trying to lick our faces. she was a pain in the ass and I loved her so much.

the old lady parrot who stayed at my hospital for about two weeks and was very cranky but also loved being pet--she would make a big show of holding your finger in her beak before asking you to scratch her neck.

the baby deer at my first internship who was born healthy but too short to nurse and had to be bottle-fed. it was touch and go initially but once she started putting on weight I swear she got bigger and lankier by the day. my last day at that internship was the week they were preparing to reintroduce her to the herd--I wish I'd gotten to see that, but I'm told it went well <3

we stay close to our animals' heads when they're coming out of anesthesia so that we can extubate them immediately if they wake up dysphoric and try to thrash (which can damage their throat if the tube is still in). occasionally, the first set of things that particularly sweet dogs do when they wake up is open their eyes, see us standing right there, and start wagging their tail.

the silk-soft tripod cat whose meow could be heard across the clinic. not a scream or a yowl, her normal everyday meow. three of us heard her and immediately pulled out our phones for video.

resuscitating neonates after a c-section is about 2% getting their airways clear and 98% harassing them into actually breathing. it takes forever and you have to keep at it for a while even after they're moving, until you're sure they won't crash if you let up, and at least this early in my career, it's scarier than CPR in some ways. they're deathly still for far longer than it seems like they should be, and the first time I did it I was terrified that I was doing it wrong and the puppy would never wake up. but then she yelled up at me with this piping little voice and I could have cried out of relief-affection-delight. it was an honor and I love her and I hope she's having just the absolute best time being a puppy out there.

[stevetown]

On The New Tumblr Desktop Dash

I've been using the new Tumblr desktop dashboard for a few days now and I have some Thoughts that I thought would be useful to put out in to the wild. Most of the reaction I've seen has been...abnormally harsh about this UI update, so I think it would be interesting to actually go through the changes and point out what I like, what I don't, what I think could use some improvement, and maybe break down a little about why those Twitter comparisons are way off the mark.

More below the fold, but the tldr for me is - I think it's great! At the end of the day, I feel like I use the desktop version of Tumblr more and more since the change. Whereas before I used to just pick up my phone and refresh the app, now I get a hit of dopamine flipping over to the Tumblr tab when I need a work break.

The change is clean and logical, and as someone who came to Tumblr a year ago and still never quite grokked what all the icons at the top meant, having them spelled out is much nicer than guessing what they mean, even for someone who has become more familiar with the site. And to be clear, from what I can tell that's the goal of this change - to make it easier for newer people to use Tumblr and find their way around. Despite all the hate this change is getting, that is an unabashedly good thing.

The Left Nav

It's really, really clean. The old dash had a lot of unused space on the left, it makes sense to carve some of that out to have a menu that actually lays out what each icon means. The font size and style is comfortable without overcrowding. It just feels more...confident? Like these are the features Tumblr has. Use them! It's also just a more familiar web browser experience for anyone who has been using web apps since the dawn of email.

The badges also fit much nicer with the left nav. They don't float above an unclear icon, they're right next to what it says on the tin. You got 20 new posts to read, buddy. 5 new notifications. 1 anon ask. It's just better on my eyes.

I do understand the gut reaction that things are "too" cluttered. One of the first things I did was snooze Tumblr live and that helped me out a lot. Just removing all of the noise of live tags and loading-in thumbnails of people I'm not interested in watching went very far. It brought the post content further up on the screen.

A little before and after snoozing Live:

Explore

I didn't even know what Explore was used for before. It was a compass icon. I think I thought it was some kind of search? I can't remember if I ever clicked on it before. Explore is much more interesting to me. It makes me curious. For a site that struggles with getting new users to find new content, it's a beacon that says "Find some cool new stuff!"

My problem with Explore is that clicking on it...doesn't get me much. The landing page just takes me to a feed from @todayontumblr that almost never has any content that I'm interested in. The "For You" tab on my regular dash is where I go mining for new blogs, along with "Your Tags." If Staff finds this change leads to more Explore click-throughs, I'd love if the tab itself get some love and made it a hub for finding new content easier. Maybe mixing up a feed of any tags you're following, trending posts, and other algorithmically sorted goodies that I'll want to take off the shelf and put in my chronological dash. I want it to be a place with the goal of encouraging me to follow new blogs.

Live

The transition to the Live page doesn't feel good to me. You're taken to a totally different kind of page, and the UI jumps all the way to the left. It feels like you're going to a separate site. At least when you snooze Live it also removes the menu item. That's really nice! But I'll save Live thoughts for another day.

Activity/Messages/Inbox

I never knew how much I suspected these things were a bit redundant, but I'm glad now that they're separated and labeled correctly. I don't have to remember what the face icon/mail/lightning bolt all mean or why they're different. Things are much cleaner in that regard.

I don't really care for the popups when you click on them. Those do feel cluttered to me, like I'm going to lose sight of my dash, or the notifications. I don't have much UX advice here, other than to say I think I prefer how the Inbox is handled, where you're just taken to a full page view of the page. However maybe another solution would be how the Account and Settings icons are conducted...

Account/Settings

This is the section that sold me on the new dash. On the old dash, I found navigating the Account and Settings options...ephemeral. I was afraid I was going to lose my place if I didn't find the menu I needed. Here, having them slide out as a drawer, keeps me in place and lets me orient myself easier. It's made exploring settings overall frictionless. I've changed dash palettes like ten different times just because I could and it was easy to find. Maybe something similar for inbox/messages/activity would make the UI feel more consistent and less overcluttered-feeling?

I do notice that the Account dropdown adds a new scrollbar which makes things like the t logo and badges jump to the left. That can be a bit disorienting.

TumblrMart/Get a Domain

The Get a Domain menu item is fine, but TumblrMart feels like it needs some love. On a new refresh, clicking the icon loads for a total six seconds before the mart pops up. By this point, if I wasn't intentionally testing, I would have just moved on. Again, I also just don't like pop-ups like this. Feels loosey. Much prefer the full-spread domain page you get.

Create

This is maybe my least favorite change. Every time I switch to my Tumblr tab, I see it in the bottom left and think it's the "Where were we?" button. When I do want to create a post, it feels like I have to travel far to get to the button, and then I have to travel again when the dots come up to select what type of post I'm making.

I wonder if just tucking it at the bottom of the menu under "Get a domain" would be better? Or at the top of the menu? Not sure. I feel in my jellies there's a better spot for this one.

On Twitter

If I can address the most frequent criticism I see on this site, which is that @staff are trying hard to "ruin" Tumblr by "turning it into Twitter," I understand that gut reaction.

But I'd encourage folks to think about that for a minute. UIs change, and a left-aligned nav is extremely common for a reason. Since the dawn of email, menu navigation has been relegated to a left sidebar. Twitter is not "burning to the ground" because their nav bar was on the left. Having a left sidebar means literally nothing in the grand scheme of what makes a website what it is.

What, truly, has this nav update changed? It does not change the functionality of the site at its core at all. It doesn't change what you can post, how you can post, what content you find, reblogs, or tags. For a site that struggles with new users "getting" the site and finding their way around, this nav change makes it much easier to settle in with something a bit more ubiquitous to the modern browser-viewing experience.

Thus leading me to believe the only reason people hate on this change so vehemently is they don't want to see new users or any effort at all to attract them at all, and I think that's exclusionary crap. Knock it off.

Change is Scary!

That said, the change is scary! Having your muscle memory interrupted isn't fun and can take a while to get used to. Every change has a growing period. I get that. For me, I got over that period fairly fast, but I recognize this process is different for everyone, especially those who have been around here for a lot longer than I have.

The change is also open for valid criticism. There are usability and likely accessibility concerns for sure. Staff needs time to iterate, and they need to know what problems are actually worth fixing and addressing. "I hate it turn it back" doesn't help anyone - it doesn't help Staff, and it doesn't help new users who are trying find a new place on the internet to call home after *shakes fist at the rest of the internet.*

I really like this change as a starting point, and I can't wait to see it iterated on further.

And on a small end note, if you also have thoughts and opinions that you want to tell Staff, please, please, please remember there are other human beings on the other end of line.

[darchildre]

It's really a terrible thing when you and one of your least favorite library patron have extremely similar taste in movies.

Something interesting shows up on hold for somebody and I think, "Oh, I should check that out myself when this person is done!" And then I scan it for the hold and realize that it has been requested by one of the worst people I know.

It shouldn't, of course, but it always has the effect of making me less interested in the movie in question, solely out of a desire to have less in common with this terrible dude.