#does anyone who lives in england relate to this???

[kanaiow]

Someone tell me why the fuck tma mentioned where i fucking lived PLEASE IM SCARED.

[samwisethewitch]

Homemaking, gardening, and self-sufficiency resources that won't radicalize you into a hate group

It seems like self-sufficiency and homemaking skills are blowing up right now. With the COVID-19 pandemic and the current economic crisis, a lot of folks, especially young people, are looking to develop skills that will help them be a little bit less dependent on our consumerist economy. And I think that's generally a good thing. I think more of us should know how to cook a meal from scratch, grow our own vegetables, and mend our own clothes. Those are good skills to have.

Unfortunately, these "self-sufficiency" skills are often used as a recruiting tactic by white supremacists, TERFs, and other hate groups. They become a way to reconnect to or relive the "good old days," a romanticized (false) past before modern society and civil rights. And for a lot of people, these skills are inseparably connected to their politics and may even be used as a tool to indoctrinate new people.

In the spirit of building safe communities, here's a complete list of the safe resources I've found for learning homemaking, gardening, and related skills. Safe for me means queer- and trans-friendly, inclusive of different races and cultures, does not contain Christian preaching, and does not contain white supremacist or TERF dog whistles.

Homemaking/Housekeeping/Caring for your home:

Making It by Kelly Coyne and Erik Knutzen [book] (The big crunchy household DIY book; includes every level of self-sufficiency from making your own toothpaste and laundry soap to setting up raised beds to butchering a chicken. Authors are explicitly left-leaning.)

Safe and Sound: A Renter-Friendly Guide to Home Repair by Mercury Stardust [book] (A guide to simple home repair tasks, written with rentals in mind; very compassionate and accessible language.)

How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis [book] (The book about cleaning and housework for people who get overwhelmed by cleaning and housework, based on the premise that messiness is not a moral failing; disability and neurodivergence friendly; genuinely changed how I approach cleaning tasks.)

Gardening

Rebel Gardening by Alessandro Vitale [book] (Really great introduction to urban gardening; explicitly discusses renter-friendly garden designs in small spaces; lots of DIY solutions using recycled materials; note that the author lives in England, so check if plants are invasive in your area before putting them in the ground.)

Country/Rural Living:

Woodsqueer by Gretchen Legler [book] (Memoir of a lesbian who lives and works on a rural farm in Maine with her wife; does a good job of showing what it's like to be queer in a rural space; CW for mentions of domestic violence, infidelity/cheating, and internalized homophobia)

"Debunking the Off-Grid Fantasy" by Maggie Mae Fish [video essay] (Deconstructs the off-grid lifestyle and the myth of self-reliance)

Sewing/Mending:

Annika Victoria [YouTube channel] (No longer active, but their videos are still a great resource for anyone learning to sew; check out the beginner project playlist to start. This is where I learned a lot of what I know about sewing.)

Make, Sew, and Mend by Bernadette Banner [book] (A very thorough written introduction to hand-sewing, written by a clothing historian; lots of fun garment history facts; explicitly inclusive of BIPOC, queer, and trans sewists.)

Sustainability/Land Stewardship

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer [book] (Most of you have probably already read this one or had it recommended to you, but it really is that good; excellent example of how traditional animist beliefs -- in this case, indigenous American beliefs -- can exist in healthy symbiosis with science; more philosophy than how-to, but a great foundational resource.)

Wild Witchcraft by Rebecca Beyer [book] (This one is for my fellow witches; one of my favorite witchcraft books, and an excellent example of a place-based practice deeply rooted in the land.)

Avoiding the "Crunchy to Alt Right Pipeline"

Note: the "crunchy to alt-right pipeline" is a term used to describe how white supremacists and other far right groups use "crunchy" spaces (i.e., spaces dedicated to farming, homemaking, alternative medicine, simple living/slow living, etc.) to recruit and indoctrinate people into their movements. Knowing how this recruitment works can help you recognize it when you do encounter it and avoid being influenced by it.

"The Crunchy-to-Alt-Right Pipeline" by Kathleen Belew [magazine article] (Good, short introduction to this issue and its history.)

Sisters in Hate by Seyward Darby (I feel like I need to give a content warning: this book contains explicit descriptions of racism, white supremacy, and Neo Nazis, and it's a very difficult read, but it really is a great, in-depth breakdown of the role women play in the alt-right; also explicitly addresses the crunchy to alt-right pipeline.)

These are just the resources I've personally found helpful, so if anyone else has any they want to add, please, please do!

[penvisions]

garnish {chapter 10}

Pairing: Chef! Joel Miller x Bartender! Reader

Summary: Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it does make the heart grow fonder. You find yourself missing Joel, too stubborn to reach out but Ellie is tired of seeing you both pinning as she navigates classes with you and her homelife with Joel now that she's back in the city.

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: canon typical language, reader is a dumb dumb, reader is stubborn and heartbroken, mentions of reader's past, trauma, complicated family dynamics, stressful family dynamics, reader mourns her past relationship with father, verbal abuse (past tense), ellie being a scheming lil shit, language, sexual content, references to sexual relations (past tense), smoking, cigarettes, nicotine, drinking, consumption of alcohol, melancholia, manic depressive internal monologue

A/N: WE DID IT, we made it to the end!! i've never finished a fic before so this is all so exciting and a little terrifying, to be honest. i hope hope hope that i've done this lil au justice, with it growing a mind and story line of its own i never even planned for somewhere around chapter five. but we did it and i am proud of this lil one and maybe self-indulged a lot with my own birthday on the 17th! please tell me your thoughts!! a HUGE thank you to everyone that interacted with this. y'all made this possible by engaging with me and inspiring me to continue on even when my own brain was working against me ♡

i would love to take prompts for these two dummies to expand their universe and story in the future if anyone is interested? but i'm still getting used to having what little attention my fics are getting and i dunno if that would be something people are interested in ♡

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist || ko-fi

“Well, you certainly have the enthusiasm, Ellie.” A smile passed over the desk, fingers curled over her application and subsequent documentation. She had already graduated from her Boston school at the end of the previous spring semester, already set up to TA for a favorite professor of hers in the new year after a successful first year of doing so for another. But she had a pending application for a secondary degree. One here in Austin. 

Her life laid out in front of you once she had begun school, having applied and gotten into an art program in England right out of high school, something she had gushed about excitedly for a few moments when you asked her about it. Sure, you had talked about it in passing over shared meals both in the comforting environment of father’s home and while out getting coffee that had developed as a regular occurrence any time she was in town.

She was only four years younger than you, both her and Sarah. So driven and excited about this time in their lives. Sarah having relocated to work for a company that fought for her attention and hire after a phenomenal performance in communications and social work out in California. Both supported and shown love in a way that used to make anger and jealousy flair up in you, but that you now saw as a blessing for those who had that kind of nurturing environment to flourish in.

“I just…the perspective of art and language of art you’re trying to explore is really fuckin’ interesting. I know it doesn’t necessarily fall in line with my focus of studies, but-“

“Classes that interest you are just as important as those that help along your degree.”

“And dad said that I could go for it, said if it’s what I want, he’ll help me in any way he can.”

“Ellie, it would be a pleasure to have you take part in the program. There is a two semester commitment, I will remind you. And the application you submitted for Austin is still pending. But if you’re on board, I can sign my approval and walk it over to the admissions office when we’re done here.”

“I was…actually going to see if you could give me a ride back to the house…dad was in a hurry when my car wouldn’t start, and I left my keys with him so he could take a look at it.”

“Oh,” Your bottom lip was between your teeth, nervousness taking ahold of you. “Um, well-“

“I totally understand not wanting to, but I would feel better going with you than taking a bus or somethin’.”

“It’s okay, I can. But let’s walk this over to admissions and see what we can get in the way of aid first, yeah?”

“Fuck yeah, thank you so much!”

Your class sessions were at nine and lasted for two hours every Tuesday and Thursday. Not wanting to over log the students with a long block of class time on top of all the reading you did end up requiring of them in order to participate in the discussions. Only two days a week to allow for some leeway with the readings on top of the other responsibilities you were all to familiar with. You had explained to Ellie once her application had been switched over from pending to accepted.

You did miss the social aspect of working at the restaurant, the different foods and drinks you could try on a whim, the ability to get as much or as little human interaction as you wanted. But…you had made a choice to leave it behind. For good. Focusing finally on the things that you wanted to do for the rest of your life and a plethora of memories and stories of a time now past.

And Joel….you missed Joel.

But you were stubborn, sure that the man wanted to wash his hands of you after never getting a response.

Ellie was banging her head along to the tape that had been stuck in the trucks deck for years now. An old one from your childhood, one of the only things you father had intentionally gifted you. His love of music something you shared despite the rift and space created between you both. Your birthday up until you moved resulting in a gift card to the local record shop and a few tapes or CDs he wanted to share with you.

The younger girl belted out the lyrics, the loose strands of her hair whipping around from the cracked windows. You sang along with her, though not as loud, indulging her despite the ache that had settled in your bones. Having overthought yourself into a weird mood before class.

Suddenly the music faltered before the warbling completely as the ribbon inside began to loosen from the spool and hang out from the deck.

“Shit, that’s not good.” Ellie lamented as she reached forward to push the play button in to pause the music. She hit the ejection button and carefully pulled the tape from the mouth of the player. Her charcoal stained fingers spinning the spools one at a time to wind the ribbon back where it should be. A few moments later and she was reloading it and pushing play but the speakers only crackled before the tape ejected itself.

“Damn, it died.”

You didn’t say anything, thoughts a whirlwind as you panicked over loosing the last tangible connection you had with your estranged father. If she picked up on your tense silence, Ellie didn’t comment on it, leaving the tape hang half out the deck and moving to use the radio for the remainder of the ride.  

The house looked the same, Joel’s house, nestled to the side of a small cul-de-sac. The neighborhood calm and quiet in the early afternoon.

The graying curls you would recognize anywhere peaked from where Ellie’s care was being inspected by Joel laid out on a roller underneath the carriage. The hood was propped open and a giant tool storage cabinet had been wheeled closer to the opening of the garage. She bounded up to him, talking too fast for you to make anything out from the curb.

But Joel must’ve been able to decipher at least some of it because his gaze turned to you, oil staining one of his cheeks and his chest puffing up with a deep breath.

You felt your own breath catch low in your throat, a lump of air making it hard to breathe.

You drove off with your heart hammering in your chest.

It was now February, the dreaded holiday of the month approaching and your birthday right along with it. A shame, that such a day overshadowed any plans you had once made. The holiday taking precedent with prefix menus that brought in generous tips from happy couples and friends. But this year, this year you could do whatever you wanted.

Stay in, go out, order takeaway, drown yourself in fancy truffles. Whatever you wanted. But the weight in your heart didn’t have you all too keen for the day to arrive. Wondering what Joel had decided for his special menu, the drinks Millie worked with Mary on to pair alongside it. Maybe….maybe you could snag a seat at the bar and indulge?

You let the thoughts trail off and focused on grading the papers in front of you. Needing to get them done before your attention was pulled by a movie night with your friends.

You were up at exactly one minute before the clock stuck midnight. Bleary eyes watching the progression of the last sixty seconds before it was officially your birthday. Your phone buzzed with two texts immediately, all camps too much to handle in the early hour. Turning it to silent mode, you turned over and listened to the faint sounds of Sweet Pea playing with a bell down in the living room, hoping sleep would come back to you.

Waking up for a second time was a whirlwind, snooze allowing for you to sleep in until the absolute last minute before you had to get up. Shoving the tube of fabric that was a simple, off the shoulder dress over your head and fluffing up your hair with dry shampoo and you were out the door and headed to the campus.

“Alright, everyone, since I’m feelin’ a little generous today!” You clapped your hands once, noticing Ellie slink in at the last minute before you typically announced the beginning of class. “I’m gonna play a documentary for today- but!”

You interrupted the happy chuckles from the group of about thirty or so individuals you had interviewed and approved for your program. “I will need a paper on the methods used to help identify the remains and artifacts, with your general interpretation of the cultural basis hypothesized from them due next class!”

“Professor, c’mon. It’s my birthday, it’s your birthday: let’s all just take it easy.”

A chorus of, “Is it really your birthday?! Why didn’t you tell us!” rang out across the room. Certain individuals looking genuinely upset that they had missed out on a chance to let you know how much they appreciated you and liked you. It made the ache in your heart lighten just a bit, weird mood about the day waning slightly in their unabashed openness. Ellie was oddly silent, normally one to engage loudly and enthusiastically, her phone in her hand, fingers a blur as she fiddled with it.

“If you really want to do something for me, please, concentrate on the documentary!” You turned your back to the class, booting up the video on your laptop and tugging down the projector screen that was closed and stored up above the whiteboard. Turning the lights off, save for one in the back for them to take notes with, you pressed play and offered one last tidbit before the opening credits rolled, “But it doesn’t hurt to bring a gift card for any local coffee shops.”

“Need a ride today, Ellie?” You asked the lingering girl, slow to pack her bag up once the class had ended and hesitant to disembark from the campus altogether. Her car was in the shop, something needing repair that was beyond Joel’s skill set. As well as a new set of tires they were waiting on to get delivered before installing them. The ones she had for the more intense weather seasons of Boston worn down over the years and needed replacing. You didn’t mind totting the younger girl around, offering her help with proof reading papers and going over terms that didn’t easily stick. Talking about nothing in particular, though Joel had been diligently inside the house or away each time you dropped her off at home, no more awkward glances since your little display of speeding off the first time.

“Was gonna offer to get you a coffee,” She wouldn’t look directly at you, setting you on edge. You were about to ask her if everything was okay when she suddenly swung her bag on her shoulder and faced you. “I’m helping at the restaurant today, assumed you wouldn’t be cool with dropping me off there.”

An hour later, you were both loaded in the car with too expensive coffee drinks and pulling up to the front of the restaurant. You didn’t want to test if you had clearance to park in the employee lot, not sure what would hurt more. The denial of your code beeping or the approval of your code chirping and opening the gate. Sighing, you put shifted into park and let the engine idle.

Ellie seamed to be taking her sweet time once again. Moving slow to collect her things, having hesitantly showed you the project she was working on for one of her art courses. The bell above the front entrance sounded as the door opened and your head snapped up to see Joel walk through it. He paused, holding the door open beside him as he gave a small wave to Ellie and a somber nod to you.

Yous lips lifted at the corners as you noticed the stain of what had to be beets on his otherwise pristine apron, the white of it displaying the dark red in a disturbing way. His other hand was behind his back, shrouded in the shadows of the interior. He shared a hushed work with Ellie as she finally exited the truck and slinked past him with a last wave toward you.

But Joel didn’t follow her inside.

He stepped outside completely. The door closing behind him with a soft thump.

He was walking toward the truck, the passenger window down all the way as Ellie relished in the fresh air before knowing she wouldn’t leave until well past midnight after the rush of the holiday. 

Your fingers dug into the skin of your thighs, dress having ridden up during the drive to expose the tops of them. The sun warm on them as your nails made crescent shapes in their softness, making your anxiety for the world to see. You were otherwise frozen, unsure of what to say, how to talk. He looked so good. Longer hair slicked back, sliver glinting in the sunlight at his temples and in the scruff of his face. A vaguely heart shaped patch where it didn’t grow in too tempting of a sight as you recalled the way it felt to pepper kisses there.

Joel’s eyes flickered down to your mouth as your tongue swiped out to wet your suddenly dry bottom one, his hidden hand finally shifting from behind his back.

You couldn’t help the little gasp that pushed from your chest as a boquet of flowers was revealed to be in his grip.

The colors of it shades of orange, gold, and yellow. A mix of chrysanthemums, sunflowers, and peonies all wrapped in a delicate tissue paper with a white ribbon holding it all together. In the middle of the front of it, there was something shiny.

“Thought it was an emergency, when she started blowing up my phone a few hours ago.” He finally spoke, stepping off the curb and up to the passenger side of the car. He extended the bouquet to you, hiding his face from you for a moment. You were able to make out the shiny thing in the middle.

It was a copy of the tape that had died the first time you had given Ellie a ride home. The one you couldn’t find anywhere online. The one you had almost just ordered a CD or digital version of. The one you had almost reached out to your father to ask about. It was impossible to find, to replace. But it was there, in the middle of a beautiful arrangement of flowers.

A sob suddenly wracked through your body, hands coming up to cup your chin and hold any others in as fat tears fell hot from your eyes.

“Oh no, no – this – this was supposed t’make you smile, darlin’, not burst into tears.” Joel quickly lowered it, moving it out of view of the windows frame and pulling it back behind him. “I’m so sorry, I – I was just trying to do somethin’ nice for ya on your special day.”

You hiccupped as you reached out a hand in a weak wave, wiping at your cheeks with the other.

“No, Joel, it’s…it’s really sweet of you to do this. I just…I don’t deserve it.”

“Of course you do, you deserve everythin’, darlin’.” He reached through the open window and gently placed the bouquet down on the passenger seat. Molasses eyes catching yours as he offered you a weak smile and a nervous display of his fingers slinking his hair back. “Just wanted to do somethin’ for you today. I didn’t know last year and well, this year I do.”

“Joel…”

“Don’t need anything from you, really. They’re for you and that’s that.” He shuffled on his feet, watching as the breeze ruffled your loose hair and the fabric of your dress, sleeves flowing in the wind, the shine of your necklace in the sunshine.

“Thank you, really. I- I appreciate it.” You reached over to tug the cassette from its secure spot. Turning it over in your hands, taking in the scratches on the plastic of the case. The memory of looking over the massive collection he had displayed in one of the guest rooms, the small shelving unit he had made himself to store all the tapes he had previously kept in boxes in the garage. “Joel, this is from your collection, I can’t-“

“You can ‘n I wanted to. Ellie told me yours got ate and I don’t listen to the tapes much these days, just the vinyl.”

Voice gone and heart beating fast, you nodded. Feeling the urge to lean over and pull him into the truck to drive around for hours and listen to the reverent offering in your hands. But he had a holiday menu to get back to and you had a new recipe to try out. Each on their own and in different worlds.

He patted the window sill twice with a wide palm before he was turning away and disappearing back inside. You watched him go, heart urging you to call out to him while your mind told you it wouldn’t ever be that simple again.

Friends had come and gone, sharing dinner and gifts with you. Crappy movies and good liquor, laughs abundant and feelings so alive. The kind of day that reminded you that you were alive and well. The kind of day that made everything else worth it, small moments tiding you over until you could feel like full and bright again.

You stared at the flowers until the alcohol in your system blurred them, the colors running together and dimming as sleep pulled you under in the late hour. The tape playing through to the end before the machine finally shut off, blanketing you in your passed out state.

You would stare at them, as if they were pulling your attention every time you were in the kitchen or the living room. Choosing to hide away in your office or upstairs when you were home where they were out of site. When they began to wilt and dry up, you moved them to the back patio, not able to through them out but not able to reach out to the man who had gifted them to you.  

Finally removing them from the vase and cleaning it out. You bagged them up and left them on the counter to deal with after class. One that went by in the blink of an eye, almost like the day was rushing toward something. Rushing you toward something. The slow thrum of…something deep in your bones as you engaged in the discussion, leading it back to the focal point if it got too off tangent.

The routine of giving Ellie a ride one that hadn’t been prevalent lately since her car had been fixed and the middle of the semester rolled around. But today it seemed to be one of the things that time was ushering you toward. Driving Ellie home with post class treat of milkshakes this time, the weather beginning to inch toward the dry heat that was prevalent most of the year.

“Thanks again! See you Thursday, professor!” Ellie hollered over her shoulder as she all but tore out your truck and ran towards the front door. By passing the scene of Joel stood in the driveway, garage open behind him once again.

“I better! You have a midterm!” You hollered after her, no real malice in your voice.  

She whizzed past Joel who was stood at the front of her car, hood open and engine block exposed to his perplexed expression. His hands were on his hips, a wrench in one and a screwdriver in the other. He was looking down into the exposed parts with a look you couldn’t quite read from the curb but when he spotted Ellie he called after her.

“Babygirl, I don’t see anything wrong with it. You said it was making a rattling sound, yeah?”

“Oh, yeah! A rattling sound.”

“From…where, exactly?” He turned a furrowed brow to her but she was determined to get away from his prying gaze, scurrying off without any more words. Her bag thumping against her shoulders as she rushed toward the door.

You had been so focused on watching her nearly trip over the steps leading to the front door that you didn’t notice Joel rise from his spot tinkering with something on her car and approach the side of yours.

“Hey there,” His cautious voice greeted you too close through the open window.

“Oh jesus, fuck! Joel don’t do that!” You startled so bad the seatbelt locked up and tightened around you, preventing you from taking a deep breath to calm yourself.

“Shit, sorry. Thought you saw me comin’ over.” A sheepish rub of his hand along the back of his neck, had your eyes roaming over the picture he made in the frame of the open window. Perfectly fitted, as if he should be on the inside of the truck beside you instead of standing outside of it. Close, but not close enough.

Quiet fell over the both of you, Joel looking into the cab of the truck, grease and oil marring his beautiful skin and white t-shirt and you gazing just to the right of him, not able to directly do so now that his attention was focused. The words shared between you both, all of the good, all of the bad, and all of the confusing floating in the heavy air between two people who had lived far too much in such a short amount of time. Echoes of everything passing in the charged air between you both.

Your name being uttered had your eyes glancing at his, the sun lighting them up into a bright hue and your heart fluttered in your chest. You held his gaze for a few seconds, heat creeping up your neck from the pulse of warmth that only he could cause filling your chest.

“Alright, well…thanks for bringing Ellie home.” He reached a handout to pat the side of the truck before shoving away.

“Hey, Joel, wait…” You leaned over, hoping that the words in your throat didn’t get stuck. When he turned quickly back to you, there was a hopeful pinch to his features, lips pursed as he waited with bated breath for you to continue. Taking a deep breath, you locked eyes with him again, keeping up the connection. The hope that glinted in them helped the words to flow from you in a quick push.

“Do, um, do you want to grab a coffee sometime?”

previous chapter || end

taglist: @hiddenbabynyc @jessthebaker @clevergirl74 @anavatazes @samiamproductions @76bookworm76 @tuquoquebrute @sarap-77

dividers by the lovely @saradika-graphics

[bonefall]

Better Bones AU Masterpost

Last Update: 8/23/23, Version 1.0

"What is the Better Bones AU?"

I'm so glad you asked, convenient question-speaker!

Better Bones (BB) is a full-series rewrite project that seeks to have a more conclusive stance on anti-authoritarianism, revamp the bonds and beliefs of individual characters to make more interesting drama and politics, and overhaul the progression of morality and history throughout the timeline to make the society of the Clans into a living, changing culture.

To do that, we've got 5 goals;

Fix the tangled family tree and give it clearer rules, expanding on kinship between cats while not neglecting friendships

Make the environment accurate to northwestern England, including education on how different biomes are managed and lists of local flora and fauna, to understand how environment has impacted Clan culture.

Build out technology by giving the Clans tool use and food preparation, additional traditions and customs, their own language, and medicinal treatment guides from sniffles up to HRT.

Change the themes of canon by addressing its problematic elements, giving the cats consistent politics and making the narrative conclusively anti-authoritarian.

Be cool as fuck, with wilder deaths, more clanborn villains, bloodier battles, and even MORE complicated innerClan drama

BB is told in notes and outlines, with the "end point" being a full skeleton for the entire series complete with chapter-by-chapter notes, which anyone would be able to write out fully, just as if they were a ghostwriter being handed a draft.

This project is open-source. I encourage you to take any inspiration from this AU that you'd like, or use the Clan culture expansions for your own projects. They don't HAVE to be warriors-related, we have a few folks who like to apply parts of this project to Rainworld! Go bananas.

I only ask that you don't steal any drawn art (as seen in the fanart, character summaries, and culture expansions) to pass it off as your own. Please respect the contributions of these artists.

"Boy howdy! Where do I start?"

WOWZERS another perfectly timed question I'm proud of you

HISTORY LESSON. This is a "brief" summary of the ENTIRE history of BB, breaking down each block of history into Periods, divided into Eras. It sprawls from the founding to the most recently completed arc. NOTE: BB does not cover arcs until they are complete. ASC has not been completed at the time of this post.

Character Summaries Every character gets a redesign and a summary, covering who they are, their role in the story, and their connections to everyone around them. NOTE: You are encouraged to put your own spin on the designs if you'd like! I do not design with genetic accuracy or MAP-friendliness in mind, so you have my blessing to alter them or request a modification for an animation.

Clan Culture Expansions Crafts, Herb Guides, the flora and fauna they encounter on a regular basis, and the Clanmew conlanguage is all in here.

Family Tree Overhauls This is almost done i swear

Fragment Bin This is where I'm going to eventually be putting everything still "WIP" material. I call these "fragments" because the full story isn't planned yet, but I talk about the little 'pieces' that I want to shuffle around. If you're new around here, basically I just sorta babble about a wishlist and then work through it with ask/reply suggestions.

FAQ I'll need this too at some point im sure

[beyondflashpoint]

Yoooooooo.

I’ve been bitten by the bug, and ye olde nostalgia got me thinking about Danny Phantom again, so I decided to play into that. I recently found the Show’s Pitch Bible, and it got me thinking about how I’d handle the reboot. On top of tweaking Jack and Maddie to make them less bumbling morons and more eccentric geniuses, I’d be aging up the crew, and settling Amity Park in Arkham County up New England way.

Danny, as you can probably tell from his human design, would be somewhat milquetoast, with grungy alternative leanings. Good at science, bad at math. Danny is, at his core, a good kid who loves his family. But he is still a kid.

I’ll probably go into them more as I work on the other characters, but I want to give Tucker, Sam, Jazz, and the Fenton parents more to do, even if it is just in the background. But for now, the Fenton parents definitely have only recently started Fenton Works. It’s been a lifelong dream, and between the two of them they’ve reached a point with their savings that it’s now a possibility. Maddie is a respected physicist, and Jack is… a bit of everything really. Test pilot, super spy, but mostly he’s an engineer. Maddie figures out how a thing works, and Jack can build it. The world of academia was… shocked when the most prominent scientific super couple announced they would be devoting the rest of their lives to pursuing superstitious pseudoscience, and this announcement has called their previous credibility into question, but no one can deny that Dr and Mister Fenton get results, if anyone can prove the existence of the supernatural, it’s the Fentons. Both are haunted by a supernatural experience from their youth.

Tucker Foley would probably have escaped the nerd label by his sheer programming and tech repair skills alone, if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s also a total anime geek, and a self proclaimed furry. Tucker is an unabashed nerd, and not the suave tv friendly type. Cosplays, ttrpg, mmos, comic and action figure collecting, you name it, he does it. Proudly. And he’s been Danny’s best friend since they were in diapers. Inevitably some of that has rubbed off on Danny.

Sam Manson is relatively new in town. She moved in with her grandmother midway through freshman year after things finally came to a head with her super conservative parents. Falling somewhere between socialist and anarchist, classic goth and punk, Sam is a rebel, an activist, and everything your parents warned you about. She’s also the coolest person Danny and Tucker know. Sam has a borderline obsession with the occult, ghosts, demons, witches, you name it, she can’t get enough of it. Which may or may not have something to do with a family secret relating to why certain members of the Manson family have purple eyes?

Jazmine Fenton is Danny’s smarter, prettier older sister. Fascinated by psychology, and obsessed with figuring out the inner workings of the mind. In high school she was a geek. In college she is thriving. Fortunately, Fenton Works is close to the university she’s attending, and that means she’s never far from home, and more importantly never far from her family. Though her relationship with her parents is rocky, she’s been trying to mend fences after getting some perspective on the world. She and Danny were close growing up, and shared everything, so his recent trend of playing everything close to his chest is unnerving for her. She doesn’t understand when she stopped be Danny’s best friend.

That’s alls I gots for now. Maybe I’ll play around with writing a fic, or maybe a comic or something. We’ll see how this all develops.

[imagopirateversion]

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales; Why It Shouldn’t Exist

Or how I invested time and energy into an analysis of a relatively dead franchise instead of doing it for my actual media analysis university course.

An essay by: a bitter and obsessed PotC fan since they were 7, with a lot of free time.

Lads, this is going to be long. You have been warned.

The Beginning

At the very beginning of the movie, we see a young Henry Turner looking for his dad.

Now, we're not talking about characterization problems or how likely it is that a ten-year-old child would risk his life to look for a man he technically only saw once; we're talking about plot problems, actual logical fallacies. My questions are:

How? The Flying Dutchman is a legendary ship, impossible to be found unless She wants to be found. The only reason we see Her in Dead Man's Chest is because Davy Jones himself is looking for Jack to collect his debt, and in that occasion the Dutchman's captain wasn't even doing what he was supposed to do, so he was most definitely in the living world. Will otherwise, he's doing the job Calypso gave him, so he's constantly in between. Is the movie trying to convince me that a kid was able to do something no one in the history of piracy was ever able to do? And even if he did, why hasn't anyone explained me how? He simply looks at a map and throws himself on the bottom of the ocean. How did he know The Dutchman was there? How did he know it would've come to surface?

Where is his mom? We got to know Elizabeth in the first three movies; we know she's a smart woman and we can assume she's an attentive mother. She didn't notice her son preparing himself for a trip in the middle of the ocean to go look for his dad? Was she distracted? Was she outsmarted by a 10ish-year-old? Or is she just not contemplated in this scenario?

Why does Will look like that? Will is doing his job, so... why does he look like he's slowly corrupting? That kind of corruption is the punishment Calypso reserves to The Dutchman's crew when the captain fails her, which isn't the case. Did they forget about it? Was the idea of putting algae on Orlando Bloom's face just impossible to resist to?

Alright, this isn't actually from this movie but it's bothering me, so I have to write it; also, it would make this whole movie unnecessary, so it's somehow related to it. Why (and I can't stress this enough) can't Elizabeth be on the Dutchman? Why can't they do the job together? Is it because she's not a pirate? I'm pretty sure se actually is. Is it because she's a woman? Last time I checked she was the KING. She wants to stay with Will forever, Will wants to stay with her forever, they can literally live forever on the same ship. Why aren't they?

Whatever the Hell Happened to Jack Sparrow

Imagine creating a character that is so iconic whenever you ask a person who was a kid in the early 2000 to imagine a pirate, they imagine said character.

Now imagine fourteen years pass and you decide to ruin that character by making him the most hideous, annoying, idiotic person in the whole saga, and we're talking about a saga that has Philip the Missionary in it. Why? Jack Sparrow is THE anti-hero. Never on the right side, but never on the wrong one. You can tell he's doing something morally questionable, but you still find yourself rooting for him. He's stupid enough to make you laugh, but he's secretly clever enough to always get away with it. Now he's just... drunk. And that's not even an excuse for this horrendous new characterization, because he was always drunk. The guy FORGOT HE WAS ROBBING A BANK, the same guy just one movie earlier was able to escape from the King of England's palace and steal a lady's earring (by pretending to be a literal slut) in the process. He just switched from the iconic drunk bi bestie everyone loves to my cringe uncle that drinks too much at Christmas parties and makes everyone uncomfortable. Please, if the risk is ruining an entire generation's beloved character, either don't make the movie or find a better explanation than "Bad luck dogs you day and night".

The Pearl in The Bottle

So... what you're telling me is that Jack Sparrow, the guy who was able to defeat Hector Barbossa, Davy Jones and Blackbeard thanks to his slyness, and who loves his Black Pearl more than anything else in the world, had said ship in a bottle in his pockets for FIVE YEARS... and he never thought about breaking the bottle to free Her. That's what you're telling me. This is the pivotal point upon which the entire Jack's plot hinges. I... I don't even know what to say. Was this supposed to be funny?

What an Incredibly Lucky Coincidence

A guy needs a treasure to save his father. To find it, he needs the help of a notorious and legendary pirate. He looks for him everywhere, sailing on dozens of ships just so he has the remote chance to stumble across the pirate. The last ship he's been on has sinked, he's the only survivor. He's been found in the middle of the ocean and someone brought him to the nearest city. Which city? I mean, the one that has both the pirate he was looking for and a lady who's the only person in the whole planet who's able to find the treasure he was looking for! And, oh my... he finds the both of them! In that same city! Without even LOOKING FOR THEM! A hell of a coincidence, if you ask me. Also known as lazy writing.

What's Wrong With the Guards?

Now, I know Pirates of the Caribbean isn't exactly known for its accurate historical reconstructions, but why are the guards in this movie acting like they're some sort of hellhounds ready to kill anyone in sight? Even pirates and traitors as Jack and Henry were supposed to stand trial before being sentenced to death. It would've probably been an unjust and barbaric trial, but there should've been one. We literally saw it, in the previous movie. Why's Jack been sentenced to death for simply existing here? He gave pirate vibes and they decided that was enough?

Paul McCartney

This is not an actual point of the analysis, I just wanted to remind people that Paul McCartney is in this movie and that's the only valid reason to watch it.

Salazar

I am confused. Once again, I have questions.

El Matador Del Mar was so good at his job he had almost defeated piracy. "The last ones joined together to try and defeat me". The last what? Pirates? There were no pirates left? This happened when Jack was young, so a lot of time before the first movie, right? Where were, I don't know... Blackbeard? Davy Jones? Barbossa? All the other Pirate Lords? I might be wrong, but I guess Salazar didn't kill them, did he? Why weren't they there during that "last battle" in which "the last ones joined together"?

The Devil's Triangle. I just don't understand what's the logic behind it. So, this is a cursed place. Whoever enters there, can't get out. One would think it means that if you get there, you die; and Salazar does die, but he somehow also becomes a ghost whose only purpose is to find Jack Sparrow and have his revenge. So, do people become ghosts when they get in The Devil's Triangle? We have to assume people have gotten stuck in there before; otherwise, there wouldn't be legends around the place. So why isn't it like full of spirits ready to haunt people? Why are Salazar and his crew the only ones?

Poseidon or Calypso?

What's the Trident of Poseidon? Does Poseidon exist? Isn't Calypso the Goddess of the sea? Breaking the Trident, you break all the curses of the sea, so the Trident must be more powerful than Calypso, which leads to a question. Where is she? She IS the sea, right? So she must have known someone was about to find the Trident and brake all curses, including her one. She just decided it was okay? It really feels like someone decided to suddenly change the world's mythology without giving explanations.

The Compass

This is possibly the most blatant plot hole in the whole saga. Probably the most blatant plot hole I've ever witnessed, and man, I watched all the Harry Potter movies. In Dead Man's Chest, Jack meets Tia Dalma in her "shop" and he tells her he's looking for the Davy Jones' key. She asks him "The compass you bartered from me, it cannot lead you to this?", making another pivotal point of Dead Men Tell No Tales factually senseless.

That man couldn't have given his compass to Jack, because that wasn't his compass.

So either Salazar is lying while telling his tale or they forgot about that line in the second movie. Anyway, let's pretend that line doesn't exist; even if that captain gave Jack his compass in that exact moment, why would it be the key to free Salazar, exactly? How is the compass in any way related to The Devil's Triangle or to Salazar? In the movie, they try to explain it with a sentence: “if you betray it, your greatest fear comes true”. So, is Salazar Jack's greatest fear? I really doesn't seem right, Jack almost didn't remember Salazar when Henry mentioned him. To Jack, he's only a guy he outsmarted decades earlier. Also, Jack technically already gave the compass away, twice: to Elizabeth in Dead Man's Chest, to make her find the chest, and to Beckett in At World's End, when they're negotiating.

That's... That's Just Body Shaming, Mate

Let's talk about her. So, the woman's ugly. It can happen that a woman is ugly. Was it necessary to build an entire scene around some blatant body shaming? This scene wants to mimic the similar scene in Dead Man's Chest: Jack's on an island, running from the main villain, and he's forced to do things he doesn't want to do until someone saves him, then it was Will, now it's Hector.

Except in Dead Man's Chest it was LITERAL CANNIBALISM he was facing, and yet he looked LESS TERRIFIED and DISGUSTED. What's exactly the message here? Lads, is marrying an ugly woman worse than cannibalism? I don't know... that was just bad.

Justice for Hector Barbossa

If you know me (you probably don't, but if you do) then you know about my obsession with Hector Barbossa. I truly believe he's the best written character in the saga, and he's in my top five of the characters I love the most in all media. I watched The Curse of the Black Pearl when I was seven and I am autistic, so I had all the time to develop a literal relationship with these characters in my head. As much as Geoffrey Rush's interpretation was impeccable, as always, it really hurt to watch Hector in this movie. He just doesn't sound like him. First of all, why isn't he on the Queen Anne's Revenge? Why's he letting someone else sail around on his ships? He would've never. Why's he just sitting on a throne and shooting musicians instead of, I don't know... being a pirate? Being a pirate is the only thing that matters to him. He says it at the end of On Stranger Tides, and he even says it in this movie, to the witch. "I'm a pirate. Always will be".

So, why isn't he pirating? What happened to him? And what about the pact with the witch? He made her curse all his enemies; that's honestly the most out-of-character thing he could've done.

Seriously, watch this movie, and then The Curse of the Black Pearl and tell me he sounds like he's the same character. Then there’s his death... was it necessary? And I don't mean if it was necessary to the plot (it wasn't), but the way he died, did it make sense? He takes the sword and sacrifices himself to kill Salazar, but WHY? Salazar was back a mortal. They could've brought him to surface and then shoot him. What was the point of his death, Disney? I will never forgive you.

I would've preferred if they never showed him again. He's alive and living his best life in Tortuga, if you ask me.

How does Carina Smyth exist?

Let's do the math. Carina Smyth has approximately the same age as Henry Turner, who was born around nine moths after the end of At World's End. At the end of that movie, Barbossa once again stole the Black Pearl (he's iconic we stan a legend), so we have to assume it is during that time (between the At World's End and On Stranger Tides) that he conceives Carina. He stays with this woman during the whole pregnancy, bacause he says he was there when she died. So nine months, at least, right? Except; Jack makes it clear that he and Barbossa met Carina's mom, Margaret, together.

When, exactly, did this happen? It can't be between On Stranger Tides and Dead Men Tell No Tales, because Hector himself says only five years passed between the two, and Carina doesn't look like a five-year-old;

it can't be between At World's End and On Stranger Tides, because we know Jack and Barbossa weren't together, and Hector was too busy losing a leg and planning his revenge by working for the King of England; it can't be during At World's End, because Barbossa was too busy rescuing Jack and then slaying (literally and metaphorically) Beckett's men to save piracy; it can't be during Dead Man's Chest, because he was dead; it can't be during The Curse of the Black Pearl, nor during the ten years before it, because he was... he was a skeleton, I hardly believe he could reproduce, despite what’s written in some fanficions; it can't be before, of course, because Carina would be too old. The only chance, but it's a stretch, is that Hector and Jack met this Margaret Smyth years and years before, and that at a certain point (while he was still busy slaying, losing a leg or planning his revenge), for some reason he decided to come back to her and accidentally had a daughter. That would mean that Jack remembered Margaret Smyth's name DECADES after he met her.

The Post-Credit Scene: What?

WHY'S DAVY JONES BACK? The Trident technically broke all the curses of the sea. He is THE cursed man of the sea. AND HE'S DEAD. The only answer I was able to give me, is that the moment the Trident broke the curses, the curse that said if you stab his heart he dies was also broken, so he technically didn't die, but it makes even less sense, because if the curses just aren't real anymore, then a man shouldn't be able to... carve out his heart and put it in a chest, right? (Which by the way, makes Will Turner being alive senseless as well). Even if so, Davy should've come back as a human.

My conclusion is that this movie should not exist, and we, as a community, should pretend it was never made. Hector is alive. Bye.

Imago

[scotianostra]

On 27th March 1625, King James VI died.

James Charles Stuart has many facts, myths and urban legends surrounding him, this is just one of them.

Rumours have abounded for centuries that James was a homosexual, I'm not saying he wasn't but at very least you might call him bisexual, he did after all father seven children to his wife, only three of whom survived. Known for writing poetry, there is little doubt he loved his wife, Anne, and wrote many poems and love letters to her throughout their marriage. Most of the rumors of James’ sexual orientation came from Sir Anthony Weldon, who was a bitter enemy of the king, whose writings were published long after James was dead.

One of the most amusing quotes from King James regarding marriage and women was when, at the Hampton Court Conference, the Puritan leaders complained of a line in English wedding vows where the groom says to bride “with my body, I thee worship.” James’ response was “If you had a good wife yourself, you would think all worship and honour you could do her, were well bestowed upon her.”

James supposed lover was George Villiers was a courtier who became a favourite of King James I. The King became infatuated with him and made him Viscount in 1616, Earl in 1617, Marquis in 1618 and Duke of Buckingham in 1623. Outmanoeuvring his rivals the Howards, Villiers was appointed Lord High Admiral in 1619. He manipulated the lovestruck King James to gain unprecedented control over royal patronage, rewarding himself and his family generously. He married his relations into the most important families in England. His own marriage was to Lady Catherine Manners, only daughter of the wealthy Earl of Rutland. Was their friendship more than platonic? To coin a Scottish phrase, "

Mibbes aye mibbes naw."

James had a deep and terrible fear of witchcraft and personally oversaw many witch trials while ruling in Scotland. He saw witchcraft as a branch of theology and even wrote a famous treatise titled Daemonologie, in which he dealt with sorcery, magic, and even vampires and werewolves!

James had a relatively peaceful reign, except for the infamous Gunpowder Plot, and kept taxes low. He was known as both the British Solomon and was called “the wisest fool in Christendom” by the King of France. James was both a brute and a gentleman, a sloth and a scholar, a boor and a poet, paranoid and cunning.

Perhaps we should look at his mother's French Emissary Monsieur de Fontenay who had the following to say regarding the young James’ character and traits:

“I have been well received by the king, who has treated me better in reality than in appearance. He give me much credit, but does not show me much kindness. Since the day of my arrival he has ordered me to live in his house along with the earls and lords, and that I shall have access to him in his cabinet just as the others have… .

To tell you truly what I think of him – I consider him the first prince in the world for his age. … . He apprehends and conceives quickly, he judges ripely and with reason, and he retains much and for a long time. In questioning he is quick and piercing, and solid in his answers. … He is learned in many languages, sciences, and affairs of state. more so than probably anyone in his realm. In a word he has a miraculous wit, and moreover is full of noble glory and a good opinion of himself.

Having been brought up in the midst of constant fears, he is timid and will not venture to contradict the great lords; yet he wishes to be thought brave.

He hates dancing and music in general and especially all the mincing affectations of the court … .

From want of proper instruction his manners are boorish and very rough, as well in his way of speaking, eating. dress, amusements and conversation, even in the company of women.

He is never at rest in one place but takes a singular pleasure in walking; but his gait is very ungainly and his step is wandering and unsteady, even in a room. His voice is thick and very deep as he speaks. … He is weak of body … But to sum up, he is an old young man. …

He misunderstands the real extent of his poverty and weakness; he boasts too much of himself and he despises other princes. In the second place, he disregards the wishes of his subjects; and lastly, he is too idle and careless in business and too much addicted to his own pleasures, chiefly hunting. … He told me that he really gave greater attention to business than he seemed to do for he could get through more work in one hour than others could in a day. …"

James ruled Scotland as James VI from 24th July 1567 and, as you might recall from my post a few days ago, ruled in England, Wales and Ireland as James 1st from 24th March, 1603. He died 27th March, 1625 at Theobalds House, and his remains lie in the Henry VII Lady Chapel in Westminster Abbey.

The third pic shows James's body next to Henry VII and his queen in the vault

[lestatslestits]

Ok ill bite. What is broadchurch

Broadchurch is a British crime drama that ran from 2013-2017, with a total of three seasons. It’s about police officers in an insular coastal town in England that gets completely rocked by the murder of a young boy named Danny Latimer. Anyone and everyone in town could be a suspect. Right around the same time, Detective Sergeant Ellie Miller gets looked over for a promotion. The job is given to Detective Inspector Alec Hardy, who has transferred to Broadchurch after some Trouble that took place at his old job (yes what happened does ultimately get explained). The murdered boy was also her son’s best friend, so she’s kind of having A Week. Murders get investigated while she and Alec (who are wildly different) come to terms with each other, and while Alec’s past comes back to haunt him.

It’s twisty as hell and goes in some interesting directions! The seasons build on each other to some degree (seasons one and two, especially, are very related).

Everyone should watch it because Alec Hardy is the guy of all time, the most pathetic dude who has ever lived. Very grumpy and sad. Ideal man tbh.

He’s like if a wet cat were a guy. With lots and lots of secrets. And a Scottish accent.

Anything else is spoiler-y but it’s very emotional and good and I am obsessed with Alec and Ellie. I know it’s gonna sound like I’m overemphasizing how much Alec is a pathetic little weirdo (affectionate), but if anything I’m downplaying it. I would die for him.

Oh also there’s an American remake called Gracepoint that is not very good imo, and the whole entire cast is different except David Tennant is still there.

(This is Emmett Carver. He’s like if Alec Hardy had a Tethered)

Also Skyler White Anna Gunn is on Gracepoint

(Pictured above: Emmett and Ellie. Pictured below: Alec and Ellie. Olivia Colman my beloved.)

(RIP to Anna Gunn but Broadchurch Ellie is superior in literally every way.)

Oh also Arthur Darvill is there as this little hipster-ass priest who I long to place in a terrarium and study like an insect.

Anyways that’s basically all I’ve got, but it’s crucial that you know that Alec has these lil glasses that he wears sometimes and not a day passes that I don’t think about them.

Anyways he’s my wife thanks for coming to my TedTalk

[thethirdromana]

If you think about it, both Dorian and Dracula were ruining/taking lives while maintaining/regaining youth. Though there's no portrait in Dracula's case, unless you count his oldness going to youthful Jonathan.

You're right, the more you look for parallels the more considerable they become.

Going to pop the rest of this under a cut for Dracula spoilers and discussion of suicide.

While Jonathan doesn't explicitly age like the portrait does, he undoubtedly looks older once Dracula has finished preying on him than he did at the start, as well as the other ways in which he and Dracula swap places (e.g. Dracula going out wearing Jonathan's clothes).

Association with both of them is damning too. In Dracula's case literally, as the people he feeds on become vampires in turn. In Dorian's case because he drags his victims down with him. Sometimes that is also literal: it includes two deaths by suicide, namely Alan Campbell and "that wretched boy in the Guards", and suicide is traditionally a mortal sin.

There are parallels in their victims. Dorian makes use of social convention to avoid the consequences of his actions, particularly as an upper-class man who preys on lower-class women (among others); an affair with him is socially ruinous for women but he comes out nearly unscathed. Dracula doesn't choose his victims quite as deliberately, but his choice of Lucy has the same effect. For instance, when Dracula lures Lucy out of the house in Whitby, Mina's first priority is to keep that a secret for the sake of her reputation.

They are both at their most powerful in their own spheres: Dracula in Transylvania, Dorian among London high society. They struggle when they step outside those spheres: the people in the opium den come much closer to recognising Dorian for what he is that anyone from the upper classes; Dracula is foiled by travelling to England. We don't see Dorian leave the country (we know he goes on holiday, but that doesn't really count) but I feel like if he went fully out of his sphere, he might be more readily identified. (A factor here is that Bram Stoker is more willing to demonise a foreigner than Oscar Wilde is willing to demonise the British upper classes).

And writing this has made me realise that pop culture Dracula - suave, sexy, encouraging people to lose their inhibitions - actually resembles Dorian quite a bit more than actual Dracula.

There's also at least one difference where you might expect a similarity. A key theme in Dracula is the relationship between the generations: Dracula is old age eating youth, Van Helsing is old age guiding and advising youth.

Meanwhile, something that strikes me about Dorian Gray that it's oddly timeless; we get told that twenty years have passed, but there's never much of a sense of that beyond everyone else looking older and Dorian remaining unchanged. No one has children, no one dies of old age, society and technology seem much the same from the start of the 20-year span of the novel to the end, despite the significant changes of the late 19th century.

And that timelessness, I think, is part of how little the novel is interested in the relationships between generations. There's not much sense that Dorian is now a middle-aged man (by Victorian standards, don't get annoyed with me, I'm in my 30s too) acting out a young man's role. There could be, it would be consistent with the plot, but that's not something that Wilde explores. There is a very strong message that Dorian should be a better person but not that he's behaving in an age-inappropriate way.

(I wonder if this relates to the novel's autobiographical elements. It can be fun and sexy to think of yourself as debauched and evil and corrupting but not so much as someone who's just been acting like a teenager for a decade too long).

This plays into other things as well. Dracula is a deliberately modern novel: it has telegrams, typewriters and trains. It's the battle of the modern against the medieval. Dorian Gray doesn't have any of these things. The conversation in chapter 3 about Americans is very much of its time, but there's not much else that places the action anywhere in the 19th century in particular. Dorian Gray is captured by a portrait, not a photograph. And he lives an oddly old-fashioned life, in some ways, for someone who is supposed to represent the Spirit of the Age. That's not a criticism of the novel, but it feels notable. It makes me wonder how Dorian Gray might have differed if Dracula had been written first and Wilde had read it.

Anyway, that was probably more rambling than you wanted, anon, but thank you for the ask, it was fun to consider :)

[theluckywizard]

Lucky's Writing Masterpost

Hi I'm Lucky! I'm a writer and an artist, 41 years old, living in New England. I started writing Dragon Age fan fic in January after decades of original fiction hell where I never finished a damn thing. My main OCs are Rose Trevelyan and Garrett Hawke and I love them very much.

The Long Fic

In the Shattering of Things,

Explicit, WC: 300K + (WIP), fluff, angst, smut, all of it New chapters every Sunday/Monday

My Dragon Age Inquisition long fic featuring Rose Trevelyan, my "level 1" archer Inquisitor, my playful, optimistic OC who learns to be fierce on the fly and dodges death as she fumbles her way across Thedas but does it with heart. As her journey deepens, she starts to realize she's tangled in the center of machinations she barely understands. She romances both Cullen (slow burn) and my other OC, a very charming, very silly warrior!Hawke (fast burn). (Rose POV)

Many more below the cut:

In the Shattering of Things related One Shots

The Protestations of the Commander's Bed, Mature, WC 1348, Fluff

With her hands on her hips, Rose stares at Cullen's bed, his cursed bloody bed. “We meet again,” she says softly, snorting to herself. Rose and Cullen attempt to enjoy some personal time. His bed has other ideas. (Rose POV)

Good Old Garbolg, Mature, WC 1462, Fluff

Hawke's heard about all these weird bottles of booze the Inquisitor's been picking up in her travels. He particularly wants to try Garbolg's Backwater Reserve because... well, why wouldn't he? He's Hawke. Besides, any excuse to sneak off to a dark and cramped corner with the flame-haired imp he's hopelessly in love with is a good thing. (Rose POV)

Fractures, Explicit, WC 3660, Smut/Whump/Pain

Cullen has been recovering from severe injuries after a catastrophic encounter with Samson in Emprise du Lion in Inquisitor Rose Treveyan's quarters. Rose has been nursing her anger and anguish for weeks. Amid the necessary care and closeness of his convalescence, it all comes spilling out at last. (Rose POV)

Pull Me From the Dark, Mature, WC 2107, Flangst

The Inquisitor arrives in the Western Approach and Hawke's been waiting three infernal weeks to see her again. There are a couple emotions Hawke hasn't felt in a long time and he's about to experience both of them. (Hawke POV)

Contact, Gen, WC 427, Flangst

Bethany Hawke has lovely dreams of her childhood home where she often looks inside Father's little chest for the curiosities that lie within, memories of the entire family she's lost- Malcolm, Leandra, Carver and Garrett. The Fade is nothing if not surprising. But today she gets a little more of a surprise than she bargains for. (Bethany POV)

Some Kind of Witchcraft, Explicit, WC 2213, Fluff Smut

Inquisitor Rose Trevelyan is away clearing rifts along Sulcher's pass but she leaves plenty of reminders behind for Cullen to find while she's gone... and after she returns! (Cullen POV)

Together Alone, Teen, WC 1578, Angst

Knight Captain Cullen Rutherford can't afford to screw up the apprehension of Garrett Hawke's apostate sister. Even as he wrestles with his actions he reminds himself that this is right. Bethany Hawke has been bracing herself for this visit since she first arrived in Kirkwall. In some ways she feels that this is for the best. But she can't help the spark of indignance the slips out as she faces her destiny in the Circle. (Cullen & Bethany POVs)

Proper Provocation, Explicit, WC 2250, Fluff Smut

Rose and Cullen renew a war room debate that quickly devolves into a spirited attempt to spank each other which quickly devolves into smut. (Cullen POV)

Unrelated One Shots

The Boy Who Talked too Much, Explicit, WC 2373, Fluff Smut

Elissa has been coming to Alistair's tent for a week now for cuddles before anyone else is up. But they'd never kissed. Today is different. Alistair is a nervous nelly and can't seem to stop talking (or thinking for that matter!) (Alistair POV)

Unvarnished, Explicit, WC 3636, SMUT

Clinging undergarments and more proximity than they've ever had sparks an unexpected blaze between Rose Trevelyan and Blackwall and unleashes parts of the impostor Warden he thought he'd long buried... (Blackwall POV)

The Firmness of his Resolve, Explicit, WC 2166, Fluff Smut

In which Cullen just wants to finish some vital work and Inquisitor Theresa Trevelyan has other ideas. How an under the desk act turns into a (very) friendly competition. (Cullen POV)

Long Fic Excerpts and Companion Pieces (spoilers!)

Cullen Presents a Training Plan, Gen, WC 1538, Flangst

Rose Trevelyan can hunt and ride and possesses a host of other skills a Lady of Quality might need. But the Herald of Andraste needs combat skills and Cullen has a training plan. (Rose POV)

An Inexplicable Pull, Gen, WC 1504

It's only been a week since Rose Trevelyan stumbled out of a rift in the temple ruins above Haven. She may come from a privileged, sheltered background but she's applying herself to her training admirably. There's something willful and impish hiding under that polite veneer. And something else. He can't stop looking her way, trying to puzzle it out. Perhaps he should try talking to her. (Cullen POV)

Into her Hands, Teen, WC 1334, Fluff

Watching the Inquisitor read the book he'd picked for her across the mess tent in camp in Crestwood, Hawke decides to grab the book she'd picked for him and join her. Sitting beside her on the damp ground he feels an awakened sense of possibility. (Hawke POV)

The Commander, the Tevinter and a Bottle of Lightning, Teen, WC 3,325, Fluff

It starts as a professional favor to Inquisitor Rose Trevelyan, taking the Stick in the Mud out, drawing him away from the work he clings to so desperately. But what she doesn't know is that Dorian has positioned himself to be double wingman extraordinaire and Cullen is about to be utterly boiled in the bag. (Cullen POV)

The Gift, Teen, WC 1,249, Angst & Fluff

Waiting to receive word from the Inquisitor from Crestwood, Cullen's feelings wrestle out of his grasp. And Maker why are there so many entrances to his office? Rylen arrives just in time to help his friend sort his thoughts out. (Cullen POV)

Point, Teen, WC 1,224, Action and Angst

Hawke takes on the bandit leader's second in command at Caer Bronach, a shockingly large bruiser before discovering that Inquisitor Rose Trevelyan isn't anywhere in sight. (Hawke POV)

The Coldest and Warmest Dawn, Teen, WC 3419, WIP, Angsty

The attempt on the Breach approaches with agonizing speed. The amplified magic of three hundred odd mages will channel through Rose Trevelyan and her marked hand. And in all likelihood, it will claim her life. Cullen finds this unacceptable. He recruits a crack team of Dorian, Vivienne and the dangerous Tevinter prisoner in the Chantry's cells to find a way to save her. (Cullen POV)

Bumbling Hearts, Gen, WC 2372, Fluff

Inquisitor Rose Trevelyan is just learning to control the dangerous new feature of the Anchor- discharging accumulating power by opening a rift in Veil- the mark of the rift. She enlists Cullen as back up and as is tradition, much awkwardness ensues. (Rose POV)

Dead Draw, Gen, WC 1574, Angst and Whump

After the catastrophe between him and the Inquisitor earlier in the morning, Cullen expected Dorian's confrontation. He just didn't expect it to arrive so soon. (Cullen POV)

The Map, Teen, WC 1089, Angst and Whump

Rose Trevelyan awakens standing over her desk, quill in hand, a kind of wildly drawn map beneath her. She doesn't know what's happening and she wakes Cullen to help her sort it out. But he doesn't react the way she needs. (Rose POV)

Rumors, Teen, WC 2189, Angst

Returned to Skyhold from Crestwood, Hawke's been dogged the whole way back by rumors about the nature of his relationship with Inquisitor Rose Trevelyan. His old friend Leliana wants to know what his game is. (Hawke POV)

A Sense of Duty, Teen, WC 2220, Angst

As commander of the Inquisition forces, Cullen needs to have a chat about tactics and protocol with his old acquaintance, famed warrior Garrett Hawke after spurious reports come in from Crestwood. The mountain of history between them and the salacious rumors about Hawke and Inquisitor Rose Trevelyan make this conversation more intense than he expected. (Cullen POV)

Thirst, Mature, WC 6450, Angst and Whump

Commander Cullen Rutherford has had a shit few weeks. Headaches, tremors and memories dog him. His romantic hopes have crumbled. His blood feels empty and thin. With so many cares weighing upon him he's been wondering if he's still fit to serve, if he ever was. He should resign, shouldn't he? But perhaps it's not that complicated. Perhaps he's just one bottle of blue away from feeling right after all. (Cullen POV)

[hyacinthsdiamonds]

Butchered Tongue has completely shattered me. The slow, painful erosion of culture and language, of identity. The faded memories of those who came before us. The desperate yearning for a past that you don't remember because it was ripped from you long before you ever came to be. It makes me think of my great-grandfather, who left to work in America and who only returned, decades later, in a coffin. I wonder if he ever sat in some random Irish pub and simply listened to those around him, hoping to find a connection, for a glimmer of familiarity in the faces and voices of strangers. I think of my granny's cousin, the spit of my uncle, who embraced me and held me close as we said our goodbyes. He never lost his mother tongue even after decades of living far from home. He may have made a life on a foreign soil but home remains the quiet Irish village where he was born and which he might never see again. It's the stack of old photographs sitting in the attic, photographs from all over the world, that are all full of smiling, happy faces but there is not soul left who can name them. All we know for sure is that they were once cherished and that has to be enough. It's the names on headstones, of the many souls buried under names they never used in life, anglicized even in death. Síle became Cecilia, Máire Mary, Dónall/Domhnall Daniel, so on and so forth. It's the words my granny used to use, we don't where those words came from, whether it's older Irish words passed on to her before they faded to the sands of time or words lost in translation through learning English words from various relations returning home after working in the fields or in construction in Scotland, Wales or England for a season or if it's one of those unique sayings, the amalgamation of sayings and inside jokes every family has and that are unique to each individual one. We'll never know which, the knowledge passed with her. We still use those words, carry our memories with us but we feel that loss of history and their true meanings. How does anyone carry the weight of all that loss, all of that heartbreak, all that visceral grief? And how do we prevent more loss, how do we keep the fire burning, keep the glowing embers of our past alive? Keep them from fading into the darkness, never again to warm the heart? This song is beautiful and haunting and it's never going to leave me alone.

[yesimadeanotherblogfuckoff]

GO S2 OPENING ANALYSIS PT 1 (also Potential GO spoilers idk)

I haven't really seen anyone go in depth on the opening for season two yet so I'm making to this to point out all the things i spotted and some theories this is SUPER LONG POST SO BE WARNED

Crowley crawls up while Aziraphale floats down which is fitting but there's also storm clouds in the distance so there might be a scene after the flood or it's a sign of impending doom

right after crowley and aziraphale go through that dark tunnel Gabriel(?) can be spotted with that infamous box

they're in the middle of a scorched village and crowley sets goats on fire which pretty much confirms that they are somehow going to be involved with the story of Job if not directly involved

here we have that Gabriel statue from the trailer and a gravestone with "EVERYDAY" written on it, the reoccurring song that somehow related to the mystery

here's another gravestone with something written on it, this was the best photo i could get and i tried lightening it but i can't figure out what it says so if anyone has any ideas feel free to share

gravestone with jane austen on it, this author has been referenced quite a bit from the info we have about s2 so far and is on the cover for the episode "The Ball" so looking forward to that

"HERE LIES THE FORMER SHELL OF BEELZLEBUB" so i guess that's Neil's explanation for them having a different actor? Beelzebub molted? gross but very creative

also im pretty sure that bottom one says "Here Lies ADAM" as in antichrist Adam? oh man i hope he isn't dead he was such a sweet kid

there's a guillotine in the far back during their walk through hell hope that isn't foreshadowing anything 0-0

they also have this office on a pillar above the fiery pit of hell which i find very funny but this could also maybe be related to Shax? where she used to work maybe??

a sign for an underground train station so i guess we'll be expecting a train station scene of some kind?

the group walks through this gate with "GENTS" at the top no idea what that implys but i'll put it here anyways

there's a "WINGS FOR VICTORY" sign on the side of this bus which is a reference to British saving campaigns during WWII so confirms more WWII era stuff with aziraphale and crowley

there is this poster for STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN and my first thought was the LED ZEPPLIN song but actually it's a reference this 1946 movie

in which a British wartime aviator who cheats death must argue for his life before a celestial court, hoping to prolong his fledgling romance with an American girl

so thats INTERESTING and COOL and totally doesn't imply ANYTHING about aziraphale and crowley's relationship or (potentially) maggie and nina's

but there is also a Zeppelin (it looks more like a blimp but whatever) and later on they go into a theater which looks very similar to the album cover for Stairway to Heaven

so I'm not gonna rule it out

there's a poster that says "THE FABULOUS LADIES OF CAMELOT" which is probably the group name of the show girls we saw in the trailer it says they are performing at the Windmill Theatre in London which is real and very famous for its Windmill girls who performed as nude living statues

i think this box is part of that saw a person in half trick and i can't wait to see Aziraphale attempt this trick and miserably fail like he always does, lot of laughs for sure

here's aziraphale on stage in his magician's outfit from the trailer but crowley is there as well so maybe he's his assistant? if so thats super funny and explains why crowley is not a fan of his magic act later on

very cute moment of crowley and aziraphale twirling around each other in the stars (this could be a nod to that moment that people spoiled for the first two episodes will know what im talking about )

this bridge they're walking on could potentially be the Humber Bridge near Kingston upon Hull, East Riding of Yorkshire, England (?)

or just a random ass bridge lol i do love to theorize tho

this airplane has "THY KINGDOM AIRWAYS" on its side very funny gag

these cotton candy hearts appear to be raining from the sky which im not sure what that implies but this season is focusing more on romance so it fits (also crowley and azira sitting together on the roof cute <3)

here we have maggie's record shop and nina's cafe right next to each other with record banners on the street, maybe a promotional party for the store? there's also a jukebox with records stacked in front of it. there's a promotional image of aziraphale holding everyday on vinyl (that i can't find sorry) so maybe he's gonna use this jukebox to play it?

i believe this is Gabriel(?) holding the package and going down an elevator from Heaven so he wasn't lying about needing to deliver something to Aziraphale something must've happened to him on his way over

one of the group is holding a sign for the "The 2nd Coming" as in the second coming of Jesus Christ?

A bar called The Dirty Donkey, new location for aziraphale and crowley to dine at? there's a smaller sign there but it's impossible to read HOWEVER

it looks like a holy figure standing in front of the opening of a cave, maybe an angel? considering the clothing maybe Jesus Christ?

I'm at my limit for photos so I will continue this in my next post!

(edit: here's the link for pt 2)

[ukrfeminism]

Domestic abuse soars by nearly 50 per cent after the England men’s football team win a World Cup game, according to a new study.

The research, carried out by Warwick Business School, discovered abuse and violence by partners increased by 47 per cent on the day England won a World Cup or European Championship match.

The study found domestic abuse remained higher than average on the day after a match win, with reports of cases involving alcohol 18 per cent higher than average.

Domestic abuse organisations frequently warn that while neither alcohol nor the World Cup create or excuse domestic abuse, they can exacerbate pre-existing patterns and provide perpetrators with an opportunity to ramp up mistreatment.

Researchers, whose findings were released in the journal Social Science and Medicine, analysed a decade of crime statistics from West Midlands Police stretching from 2010 to 2019. 

Anna Trendl, a researcher at Warwick Business School, said: “It is important to recognise that for victims, domestic abuse does not occur once every two or four years following a football match. It is a lived experience of constant fear. 

“However, our results provide a deeper understanding of the environments that could increase the likelihood of that manifesting itself in alcohol-related abuse. 

“These football tournaments are often characterised with high levels of optimism, expectation, and yearning for the glory of England’s victory at the 1966 World Cup.”

Dr Trendi said that meant an England win can have a substantial impact on fans’ alcohol consumption during nationwide celebrations after a match, which raises the chance of domestic abuse. 

“We found no evidence for alternative explanations, such as increased policing on match days leading to higher detection rates, or awareness campaigns before a tournament leading to higher rates of reported domestic abuse,” she added.

Researchers found the increase in reports of domestic abuse started during the three hours of an England football game, before "peaking" in the three hours afterwards.

The rise in reported incidents predominantly involved cases of violence and abuse perpetrated by a man against a woman.

Elaine Yates, chief executive of Coventry Haven Women’s Aid, said: “It is well known that incidences of abuse and violence increase when teams lose, but there are also more reported incidences when they win. 

“For many existing victims, these tournaments create a period of more intense control and fear from their partners, exacerbating an already existing problem.”

She said they were especially worried this year as the spiralling cost of living crisis was keeping victims trapped living with abusers because they can’t afford to flee.

Ms Yates: “Add to this that year on year, our organisation also sees that many women choose not to leave over the festive period ‘for the sake of their children'. All of these factors make for a perfect storm.”

It comes after The Independent reported on concerns that incidents of domestic abuse will increase during the football World Cup as fresh data showed a surge in inquiries about children enduring violence at home in the last tournament.

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) issued the warning after research discovered thatcontacts about domestic abuse to its helpline soared by a third more than the monthly average during the 2018 World Cup.

Anyone who requires help or support can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline which is open 24/7 365 days per year on 0808 2000 247 or via their website https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

[bethanydelleman]

In Trade and Of Trade

The Bingleys are the Gardiners, in Pride & Prejudice, while both being associated with trade, are pretty clearly not in the same station in life.

We are told that the Bingleys have a habit of “associating with people of rank”. Which means that people of rank have agreed to associate with them.

Mrs. Gardiner admits, “We live in so different a part of town, all our connections are so different.” They are not associating with the same people as the Bingleys.

The Bingleys live as if they are gentry class, “but as he was now provided with a good house and the liberty of a manor“

The Gardiners live as people who work “lived by trade, and within view of his own warehouses”

All of the Bingleys have a gentleman/woman’s education, the sisters “had been educated in one of the first private seminaries in town”

Mr. Gardiner might be able to put his children in a similar position, but Mr. Gardiner is engaged in trade and works.

Bingley himself has never worked a day in his life, he lives off the income of his inheritance. “Mr. Bingley inherited property to the amount of nearly a hundred thousand pounds from his father, who had intended to purchase an estate, but did not live to do it.

Also, Mr. Gardiner was born “middle class” (I know that’s not exactly a class at this time) to an attorney. The Bingleys might well be from a lesser branch of a gentry family, as we hear, “They were of a respectable family in the north of England; a circumstance more deeply impressed on their memories than that their brother’s fortune and their own had been acquired by trade”. The Bingleys are going to remember something high status.

I also get the feeling that things are much more fluid, in Jane Austen’s works, than modern people like to portray. in Emma, Emma is a massive snob and happily snubs the Coles, but she accepts Mr. Weston as an acceptable person to visit. Mr. Weston, “quitted the militia and engaged in trade”. And yet, once he purchases his small estate of Randalls, Emma will visit him and happily see her former governess married to him. Emma also teaches us to fake it till you make it, “There can be no doubt of your being a gentleman’s daughter, and you must support your claim to that station by every thing within your own power, or there will be plenty of people who would take pleasure in degrading you.” It’s very possible that the Bingleys have made it past a Emma-style gatekeeper and now are accepted into the high class circles.

I also have no doubt that the Bingleys would never tell anyone about their unfortunate relations who remain in trade. They have left that world behind and do everything they can (such as paying for education) to make themselves look like gentry. Mr. Gardiner, on the other hand, is not doing that. And Elizabeth, unsnobby as she is, does not ignore the parts of her family that are below her class. We know that Lucy Steele, when she marries in Sense and Sensibility, actually cuts all of her lower connections.

[thesaleswhisperer]

B.S.ers Are SOL in Copywriter Jeff Putnam's World

Professional Sales Tips you'll learn today on The Sales Podcast ...

Listen to Jeff Putnam’s first interview on The Sales Podcast, episode 510, back on June 23, 2021, and see the change he’s made

Deep down, he always wanted to be a writer

He did a project as a kid on Ernest Hemingway and saw a picture of him smoking a cigar and hunting a shark with a machine gun that lit a fire

In December 2018, he got the idea for Rugged Legacy and launched it in early 2019

He didn’t want to work for anyone else

He had to learn copywriting so his business wouldn’t die

Then, he started teaching people how to do it

Wrote two books, and he reads all the time

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Working on a novel and is about 1/3rd complete

Most people suck at writing so they pay him to write

Now 99% of his income comes from writing for others

He focused on Twitter rather than building a “personal brand”

He got so busy with work that he didn’t have the time or interest in building a brand

He no longer promotes himself online

People know who he is

He has a great network now

He has some coaching clients

He wakes up at five am, takes his huskie for a walk, gets some coffee, reads for four hours, then starts his day writing for clients

Vince Flynn/Mitch Rapp series

Jack Reacher series by Lee Child

Loves Musashi by Eiji Yoshikawa

Will reference a business book but doesn’t sit and read them

Does not like the appeal of the “digital nomad” lifestyle

He doesn’t want to live out of seven suitcases

He spent nearly five years hustling and grinding and perfecting his writing craft

A customer of his asked him if he’d help with their website, and that became his first paying copywriting client, but he was visible and active online and on Twitter, so they knew him

He Googled typical prices for copywriting and added 20% to that

Then he raised his prices until people balked, and then he dropped his prices 5%

He’ll include three revisions, but the fourth is 50% of the original invoice

He doesn’t design websites, but he writes the copy

He loves writing long-form content like 80-page white papers

He’ll write 16k-20k words every ten days or so

Many people confuse niche and industry

He can research any industry and write about it

A Web 3 startup paid him $60k upfront ($5k/mo) to do all of their content, and he had no experience in that space

The Web 3 client saw an article Jeff wrote on marriage and reached out to him

If clients are jerks, he cuts them loose

He charges 6-7 cents per word

He just does words

He uses AI as a style guide by uploading something like a five-paragraph description the client provides

“Additionally…in a fast-paced world…”

He loves 3-piece suits

Anchoring…

He’ll sometimes wear his suit to write to anchor himself

“Okay”

Zuby

“I’m a serious Catholic”

Adoration and Holy Hours and Mass

He carries his rosary always

He has Catholic cigars, Incensum Cigars

He converted to Catholicism last year

There are only 450 TLM churches in the U.S.

His wife is Hispanic who grew up in New England and is Catholic

He spent 18 months writing a book on Catholic masculinity

He decided to go to Mass May 7, 2023, which was two months after he launched the book

His wife was a lapsed Catholic, but now they go weekly

He’s in RCIA and entering the Catholic Church fully this Easter

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Check out The Sales Podcast's latest episode

[cuti-romeros]

A lovely anon in my inbox yesterday mentioned that Gary went on a political podcast earlier this week, and as ever, Jamie came up several times

(Separately, Gary is a magnetic speaker and it was fascinating listening to the full interview, so I would highly recommend it to anyone interested)

But I’ve listened to the full two hours in case you don’t plan to, and here are the carraville bits you came for:

-

On being nervous to be on a political podcast (21:35)

MNF in particular, that minute or two before we go on air. It’s live, four hours…You certainly don’t know what’s going to come out of Carragher’s mouth next. And absolutely, he doesn’t know what’s gonna come out of his mouth next. So you’re always a little bit on edge, thinking you’ve got to be ready. And I think it’s a good thing sometimes.

On growing to like London (25:40)

I spend a lot of time down here now. Actually, I stay at the Corinthian, just around the corner... Me and Carragher. I mean, honestly... [host interjects something] I know, Carragher, he's drinking red wine, he writes for The Telegraph, he's staying in Whitehall. Fucking hell. He's from Bootle!

On whether people he's played football with share his political opinions (33:10)

Take Carragher. I mean, to be fair, I didn't like the guy at all when I played against him. And now, to be fair, we've become really good friends.

On joining the Labour Party (36:41)

I thought, to be fair, I was shouting my mouth off that much. And Carragher goes, "What are you fucking up to—" [to the interviewer] Do the Carragher accent, I can't do the Carragher accent. [interviewer does a not great impression of Jamie saying, "What are you doing? You can't talk about Labour without joining, of course you can't."] So I just thought I'd put my money where my mouth is.

On the interviewer asking, "Do you have [political] conversations with Carragher?" (53:01)

(Under a read more because there's still a lot from here)

(chuckling) You can't, can you, really? Difficult, that. [interviewer: "well I got the impression that he was quite Labour"] He is, he is very much. Very much Labour. Very much. Yeah. Absolutely. Can't not be, can he, from where he comes from. Also, I mean, you think about the way in which, sort of, the city of Liverpool and Merseyside view the Conservative Party. Phew. But do you know something, they aren't wrong are they, at times... They're wrong about a lot, but— (chuckles) No I don't have this type of conversation... He's furious as well. He's furious as well. He doesn't speak about it as much, not publicly either. But yeah, he's not happy. He retweets a lot, he posts out a lot. I think he went for Johnson last week, didn't he.

On him and Jamie calling out Partygate on Sky (54:04)

Yeah, it was FNF. We got a right bollocking for that. We have about a thousand complaints from Ofcom every fucking week. The amount of people who complain about me and Carragher, it's unbelievable honestly. It's fantastic. If we mention politics, we get a call, usually from the hierarchy at Sky... You never get a call to say, "well done, great show yesterday". But to be fair, they do get that many complains, the Ofcom then maybe get involved. We'll be told, you know, "make sure you're balanced"... We don't push it, because we accept it's a football audience that are, if you like, tuning in… We should, in our everyday lives, not be ignoring what's currently going on. We should be able to relate to it, particularly if there's a big event. I mean, if there'd been a no-confidence vote on the night of MNF, I don't we'd have come out alive, me and Carragher. I don't think they'd have let us on, I think they'd've cancelled the game!

On why England's Golden Generation failed (1:04:37)

When I look back then and think, the division between us—you know, me and Carragher, for instance... There were cliques.

On someone in football that's like Boris Johnson (1:10:49)

I've never met a guy like him in my life. I've never met—I've met some arseholes, don't get me wrong. I work with one regularly on Sky. (chuckles)